Problem: Anti-Intellectualism [00:22:12]
Problem: Free Water Cups [01:07:33]
The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 58
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "biggestproblem" to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from ants to AIDS, with over 3.2 million downloads. This is the only show where YOU decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey!! What's up, buddy? (grinning)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Sean: Hello!
Maddox: Welcome back.
Dick: That was perfect!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: You timed it right along with the music and everything.
Maddox: Uh, I think we got it down after 58 episodes.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing) It's about time.
Maddox: Yeah, guys. (sighs) Um, let's just get this out of the way. Last week, the problems, the ranking of the problems...coming in first was Social Justice Warriors.
Dick: Ohh, yes. (smug)
Maddox: Dick climbed the ranks so high...
Dick: So fast and so hard, man. I'm like the Chuck Yeager of this show. That problem just shot straight into outer space, man.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: What are you typing at? What are you doin'?
Maddox: I'm just looking at the master list of problems here.
Dick: 4,000 votes in a couple days! People hate Social Justice Warriors.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Hate 'em!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: For good reason!
Maddox: Well...
Dick: For good reason. They're like the anti-slacktivists, somebody said.
Maddox: No!
Dick: Because they're... (stammers) What do you mean, "no"?
Maddox: Well, some people...I read in the comments the opposite. I read that it was an extension of slacktivists.
Dick: No, nonono. I disagree, because slacktivists feel that, uh, they feel that...that positive feedback? They feel it when they just click 'like' and then they're done and they don't hurt anybody. (Maddox scoffs) They're not hurting anybody; they're just getting themselves off. They click a 'like' button to get off, that's fine. I go look at porno, it's the same thing. Social Justice Warriors are HURTING people. They're costing people their lives, their jobs. Their lives, man!
Maddox: Mmm, I don't know.
Dick: And they're infecting others! It's a race to the bottom with them.
Maddox: I don't know that they're affecting people's lives, Dick.
Dick: You want an example? I brought an example somebody sent me.
Maddox: Sure! Let's hear it.
Dick: We can get to it later if you want.
Maddox: Yeah, no! No, let's hear it, since we're talkin' about it.
Dick: Here we go. "Hey Dick, I just wanted to share with you a story I just heard about yesterday. I live in Iowa, far away from the liberal bastions of LA and New York." Right? You wouldn't think, um, Social Justice Warrioring was out in Iowa.
Maddox: Oh, Iowa's pretty liberal, surprisingly. You would think they are not, but they're one of the first states that passed gay marriage laws.
Dick: Well, here we go. "I'm a few years out of college, but I still keep in contact and live near a professor, a mentor of mine." I think I was supposed to keep this guy's name anonymous, so we'll bleep that out. (Maddox laughs) Uh, "He's been telling me of a particular student in his Law & Politics course who has been taken under the wing of radical feminists on campus. She's often spoken of 'microaggressions' coming from the professor and has also taken up spelling 'women' like W-O-M-Y-N."
Maddox: And is that so that they don't have the word "men" in there?
Dick: No, I think it's actually 'cause they're retarded.
Maddox: Okay. (Sean guffaws in the background)
Dick: I think they think that's the correct...no, you're right. Yeah. (Maddox laughs) It's to take "men" out. Anyway, "This professor may face disciplinary action from a complaint from her..." -- from this "womyn" chick -- "...on behalf of some women's group on campus based on what he thinks stems from classes about rape cases," in a law and politics course. Uh, "She claimed that he was incredibly insensitive regarding rape."
Maddox: Hmm.
Dick: "He would go on..." Uh, "He would in no way be terminated, but he may be forced to sanitize his class if he were to be ruled against." How 'bout that?
Maddox: What does that mean, to sanitize a class?
Dick: Not discuss issues.
Maddox: Oh, yeah yeah yeah.
Dick: Not discuss rape cases in a class about law and politics.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know. I mean, that does sound like the effects of Social Justice Warrioring, but I don't see how it's taking people's lives. Their livelihoods maybe, but not their lives.
Dick: What's the difference?
Maddox: Well, the difference is pretty big, Dick. If you lose your job it's not like losing your life.
Dick: It's a, uh...it's on the way to losing your life.
Maddox: It's on the way, yeah!
Dick: Well, 'cause they're -
Maddox: (interjects) It's awful.
Dick: They can't kill you.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: They can't...like, they would love to just kill you. They would love to have a vote where the government comes and kills you for saying something they don't like.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But the best they can do is take away your money, which is the same thing to me.
Maddox: No.
Dick: Like morally, I think going after someone's job and their money, and the way that they support themselves and the way they feed themselves, morally to me is exactly the same as attacking them physically.
Maddox: It's in the same...it has the same flavor, but it's not quite the same. I think the distinction is important. So I wanted to mention, Dick, I was pulling up the website to see the biggest problems, the big list of problems. Social Justice Warriors is #11 on the big list of problems. Guys, it beat out Hunger. Oh no, it's ABOUT to beat out Hunger. It beat out Obesity, which is a bigger problem than Hunger!
Dick: Nah.
Maddox: It's a big problem, obesity.
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox chuckles) I get it. Very good. Alright. (smiles)
Maddox: Then, uh, followed by Shitty Dads last week.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Dick, your, uh... (cracks up) Your...
Dick: Shitty problem?
Maddox: Your sentence that you brought in about Shitty Dads.
Dick: It was Father's Day!!
Maddox: Yeah. I got a comment here from Kirsty Chapman. She says, "Shitty dads are a huge problem, but I'm not sure you've thought this through. Since it's your opening line to broads, surely less shitty dads = less broken women = less sex for Dick?" Dick, didn't you say that shitty dads were great...it's a great pickup line, opening line to talk to a chick and ask her how her father is.
Dick: That doesn't mean he was shitty!
Maddox: Well, you're saying -
Dick: (interjects) It's not dependent on him being shitty.
Maddox: You're saying that the ones who have the shitty dads...I said it's a problem to open up with that line because if they had a shitty father, then they're suddenly thinking about all these bad emotions and bad feelings, blah blah blah...
Dick: Yeah, but he-
Maddox: ...and you said that you like that because you use that...their broken father, their shitty father, to your advantage.
Dick: I didn't say that last part. But here's the thing... (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: People with shitty dads, a lot of times -- I would say most of the time -- don't think they're shitty. Like, they look at their upbringing and say, "Oh yeah, that's totally normal" or "He was doing his best," and as an outsider you can say, "No, that was...that was very much a shitty dad move."
Maddox: What are you basing that on, Dick?
Dick: Like, stealing...what do you mean?
Maddox: I think people who have shitty dads know their dads are shitty. You look on TV and you see sitcom dads and how cool they are and then you look at your abusive, shithole dad who's never around. I think people know their dads are shitty.
Dick: Yeah, but you're picking, like...you're picking, like, a trailer trash abusive dad. There's a big gray area where some dads are just shitty without being so overtly abusive about it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Surely you can say that exists. Like, it's not a cartoon out there.
Maddox: Okay. Alright! Well, then I wouldn't describe those dads in those absolute terms as shitty. I would say my dad's "meh." Mediocre. In fact, I have a comment here, Dick. This one's from......Sasha Woods. (Sean giggles in the background) No, whoops. (chuckles) Wrong one.
Dick: Whoa, why are you laughing?
Sean: I was gonna say, why did it take you so long to pronounce that? (everyone laughs)
Dick: "Woods"?
Maddox: No, I was lookin' for the comment.
Sean: "Sasha...Wwwoods."
Maddox: No no, she brought in another comment I'll read in a second, but no, I read a comment on the, uh, the forum. I didn't bring this comment in, but someone commented and said that, uh...that perhaps a bigger problem than shitty dads are dads who are just mediocre. I think that's what you're talking about, Dick.
Dick: I don't know, man.
Maddox: The middle ground.
Dick: What are you, mincing wor-...like, the word of "shitty dad"? Are you tryin' to bust me that, like, a...one is a shitty dad and one is not quite shitty? I don't understand what you're tryin' to say.
Maddox: Can we...let's just agree that it was a shitty problem. (Sean chuckles in the background) And then speaking of shitty problems, Soy got, uh, got trounced in the voting. You guys didn't think soy was a big problem. 'Cause a lot of you said that, "Hey Maddox, I like to put soy sauce on my fried rice," and I replied to these idiots and I said, "Guys, it's fine for occasional use. If you eat soy a bite or two here or there it's not gonna kill you, but if it's a staple of your diet like most vegans and vegetarians make it, then it can start to cause problems."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Makes you grow tits!
Dick: Yeah. Here, I got a voicemail about vegans. [plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): I've got a riddle for you. If somebody is a vegan and they're into CrossFit, what do they talk about first?? Ha ha! Ohh, that is rich. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Go fuck yourself, Dick. (more laughing)
[message ends]
Dick: Get it?
Maddox: Ah, I kinda like that joke!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: He, uh, he undersold his own joke.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: By overselling it.
Dick: Yeah. We got some fan art. You wanna talk about this?
Maddox: Yeah! We got some -
Dick: (interjects) This rad comic that got sent in? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: We got this comic sent in by a fan. His name is James Callan, and I posted it on my Twitter page. It's @maddoxrules, I think is my Twitter. I don't even know my own fuckin' Twitter. Anyway, he made a comic about...it's called "Mad Maddox: A Road Rage."
Dick: Yeah. (Sean cracks up) I'm not gonna read the whole thing, but uh...it's pretty great.
Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty hilarious. I look like a samurai.
Dick: Here you go. Here's you driving down the street flipping everybody off, screaming obscenities and honking constantly. That's...that looks about right. Right?
Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty accurate.
Dick: It's pretty accurate, I would say.
Maddox: Did you read the panel about, uh, about the samurai ethos?
Dick: Here we go. Here's...no, THIS is way more accurate. Sean, wouldn't you say that's a more accurate representation of Maddox, with that smug-ass look on his face? (Sean laughs)
Sean: Yeah. (from background)
Maddox: What smug look?
Dick: That. (smiling)
Maddox: Oh yeah, that smug look. (everyone laughs) Read the -
Dick: (interjects) You're saying, "Actually, I drive like a samurai, the aristocratic warrior class of feudal Japan. We follow Bushido, a code of honor, discipline, and aggressive driving."
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: "Actually, they're more mediocre than shitty." (smug voice)
Maddox: Shut up, Sean! (Dick and Sean laugh) Gettin' shit already!
Dick: Yeah, I don't know why people picked on that shitty dad problem. It's about establishing intimacy. It's not about taking advantage of a bad dad.
Maddox: Oh, jeeeez. I also -
Dick: (interjects) You brought it up!!
Maddox: Okay! (laughing) I also got a tweet from...some more fan art. Someone corrected this, uh, this picture, Dick. He sent a screenshot of the live show of you holding a mug, and he said he enlarged your face!
Dick: Yeah?
Maddox: It still looks really tiny. (cracks up) He said he made it bigger. His name is Mr. Gobun. I linked to it on Twitter. We'll put it on the, uh, the page for http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. Go to the website, vote on these problems, guys. Don't forget to vote on these problems.
Dick: I don't have a small face. (Maddox laughs) I hate that stupid picture. I don't have a too small of a face for my head.
Maddox: I know, that's what he's sayin'!! He's sayin' he enlarged it for you!
Dick: No, I don't ha-...I get the joke. He made it extra small...
Maddox: What? (still laughing)
Dick: ...like the size of a mouth on my head, on my actual head. (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) I don't have a too small of a face. And I really don't like that the way I find out about this shit is ex-girlfriends texting me that picture in the middle of the night and me saying, "Where the fuck did this come from? You don't know how to use Photoshop."
Maddox: Yeah. Oh man, it's so good. I said that -
Dick: (interjects) She's like, "Oh, Maddox just tweeted it." I'm like, "Oh, GREAT. Great."
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. (grinning)
Dick: "20,000 people are laughing about this right now? Super."
Maddox: Pretty fuckin' funny! Um...
Dick: I don't have a too small a face. (irritated)
Maddox: Dick, what is your problem with definite articles? (laughs)
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: You have a serious problem with definite articles. It's not "a road rage." (Dick laughs) It's not "a too small of a face." (giggles) Anyway. Dick, I...last episode I also mentioned that I started a Twitch stream.
Dick: Oh, god.
Maddox: Which, uh, which has... (cracks up)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Which has really taken off. I got a comment from Pamela Yachouh. She said, "Keep streaming, Maddox. I actually enjoyed your Alpha 2 stream last night." I've been playing Street Fighter Alpha 2 on my stream.
Dick: Oh, really?
Maddox: Uh-huh!
Dick: To practice?
Maddox: No, not...I don't need practice.
Dick: So...before Matt Bahr kicks your ass?
Maddox: I don't need practice. Dick, I've been using an emulator, an online emulator, 'cause you pretty much have to. I don't have an arcade cabinet. And the controls I'm using is a keyboard, and a lot of people say, "Maddox, uh, why are you...why don't you play online? Why are you so afraid of cheating?" (stupid voice) And the problem is with an emulator, when you play online you can use a keyboard mapper, which is what I use...
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: ...to map my keyboard inputs to a controller. You can define macros, and you can define shortcuts and all sorts of scripting and programs and things so that you can press one key and it'll do a special move.
Dick: Can you define "chicken"?
Maddox: Yeah. (annoyed)
Dick: 'Cause this is the definition of chicken. You're talkin' and all I hear is, "Bawk bawk bawk bawk baaaawk!"
Maddox: Yeah. I think you're thinkin' of swingin' from my chicken. That's what's goin' on.
Dick: (smiles) Go ahead! What? And you can define keystrokes that what?
Maddox: You can define a macro that's a special move!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So you press one button, and it's going to do a hurricane kick or a fireball or whatever! It's cheating!!
Dick: Oh. Alright!
Maddox: It's super easy to cheat! And I told you this last night, and do you remember what your answer was, Dick? Your response?
Dick: So cheat! Do it, yeah!
Maddox: You say... (laughs)
Dick: So out-cheat him then!
Maddox: Yeah, okay. Great. It'll be a Street Fighter 2/cheating contest.
Dick: Alright, so Maddox is practicing for the big fight, the big Street Fighter fight.
Maddox: Not practicing.
Dick: What is your Twitter...er, your Twitch stream called? Is it Twitter, or...
Maddox: Twitch.tv.
Dick: Twitch/ImNotWritingMyBook.com? (laughs)
Maddox: Okay. Speaking of, Bryan Jacques says...Jacques? Says, "Wow, Maddox wants to avoid writing his book so badly he started a Twitch stream that nobody wants to watch." (Dick and Sean laugh) Not funny.
Dick: Uh, well, E3 happened this week.
Maddox: E3 did happen! I just got back from E3, and I posted my E3 roundup.
Dick: Oh!
Maddox: Yeah! I do a wrap-up every time I go to E3. Actually, except last year I didn't because there was...it was SO disappointing. There wasn't even enough footage to talk about. But yeah, this year I did my E3 wrap-up, and it's already got like 80-90,000 views...
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: ...since yesterday.
Dick: What's the point of goin' to E3? Like, don't you just hear all that shit online?
Maddox: Yeah, but you get to play...you get to play alphas and pre-builds. You get to play the game early, you get to see where the game's coming from, and other times too you get to see games that then get canceled later on down the line.
Dick: Oh! Alright.
Maddox: So that's your only opportunity to play that game, like The Last Guardian? A long time ago, it was announced at E3 4 or 5 years ago.
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: Then the game was canceled. Now they're bringing it back, so people who got to see it and play it way back in the day are the only people in the world who ever were able to.
Dick: Seems like a huge cocktease.
Maddox: It is.
Dick: Like, it seems like you're paying to go get advertised to.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, if you pay to go to E3, it's kind of a ripoff becau-...I mean, it's not kind of; it's a HUGE ripoff.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I met Anita Sarkeesian there! You know who she is?
Dick: Ohh, yes! Did you spit in her mouth?
Maddox: No... (laughs) No.
Dick: Oh. (smiling)
Maddox: No, no, no, Dick.
Dick: I'd Kickstart that.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: Yeah! (giggling) (Sean laughs) Kickstarter for Maddox to spit in A-...go ahead.
Maddox: You know what's interesting, is a lot of people who are outside of the gamer world have no idea who she is. She's this much-reviled feminist blogger.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: Feminist...she makes a bunch of videos. Whatever! I don't...I think what -
Dick: (interjects) She's a non-gamer that picks on gaming. Like, she ju-...and I'm gonna give this example specifically 'cause I saw it recently.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: She was talking about the new Tomb Raider game...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...and her comment was a very snide, snarky comment about Lara Croft wearing a snow jacket in the snow, and she's like, "Oh, it's about time that this buxom heroine of this video game was wearing the appropriate clothing for her environment."
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And it was just hundreds of people posting pictures of all the previous games, how all of her clothing was accurate. Like, she's ALWAYS had a jacket.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: She's always had a...pants.
Maddox: So here's the thing about Anita Sarkeesian, and this is probably the only time I'll ever talk about her specifically because I don't want to give her the spotlight. She is not the voice of gamers, she doesn't represent anyone except herself, and I believe what she is doing...if you look at her Twitter stream, most of the comments are negative. Negative about video games, complaining about the violence in Doom...
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: ...complaining about Tomb Raider. She even complained about her badge at E3! (Dick chuckles) The E3 badge came with a little paper foldout thing for Persona 4 of this...
Dick: Sexist.
Maddox: ...cute...of this cute little girl wearing a skirt or whatever. Like, obviously too young to be sexualized, even...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And she wasn't sexualized! It was just a girl in a skirt, and she said, "Well, this is the picture they chose. Of all the pictures they could've used, they chose this one." Like, she's LOOKING for reasons to be offended. She is this outrage porn that we talked about, that Ryan Holiday talked about.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: She is this person who is looking for reasons and excuses to complain, and that's why I don't want to give her the spotlight and the focus, because I think she's disingenuous. She has to do this to continue...her outrage -
Dick: (interjects) To live!
Maddox: To live!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Her outrage is lucrative, and if she doesn't continually feed that beast then people will forget about her. She has to find something to complain about, which is like...I know it's really a fine line that I'm treading here -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause we do that too.
Maddox: You would think!
Dick: You do that too...
Maddox: You would think.
Dick: ...but you don't!
Maddox: Well, you would think, but I don't look for reasons to complain. These are things that just genuinely annoy me.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: I'm not looking to be annoyed.
Dick: You liked Mad Max!
Maddox: Loved it!
Dick: You wrote a glowing review of that.
Maddox: Yeah, great movie!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! I don't need to find things to annoy me because things naturally annoy me so much, but I don't believe that anyone in this world could be that annoyed by so little! So little! These things...video game -
Dick: (interjects) By a little girl on a badge.
Maddox: Yeah, a little girl on a badge? Man...
Dick: Well, it also speaks to how she thinks. Like, if she really thinks that's sexist and offensive, then she must assume men see that image and are sexually stimulated by it.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: I mean, if she's, like...if she's putting herself in all these imaginary guys that she's blaming for whatever... (stammers) I don't even know what the reason is that there's not more women in video games, then she's putting that on us! Like, "You see this picture? You guys are sexualizing this little girl in a skirt," and I'm like, "Uh, bitch, I'm not doin' that."
Maddox: We're not.
Dick: We're not.
Maddox: It's a fucking...
Dick: It's just a little girl in a skirt.
Maddox: It's a badge from a video game, and it's not even an actual little girl. It's a -
Dick: (interjects) And it's...
Maddox: It's a depiction. It's a drawing.
Dick: And it's an interesting ad because when I think video games, I think of some stupid swo-...like, a big giant hulking sword fight.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And now I'm thinking like, "Oh, what's this little girl doin' here?"
Maddox: Well, and they were promoting a dancing game. It was for Persona 4 dancing something or other, which was, uh...man, just so lame. I saw people dancing to that game. But also, one other...one final point I wanna mention, and this'll be the last I'll ever talk about her, but she raised over $100,000 to create a series of videos about, uh, about sexism in gaming, and I watched all of them as part of my research. I've seen almost every single one of her videos. It's part of my...
Dick: Wooow.
Maddox: ...part of the research I do, right?
Dick: Dedicated.
Maddox: She -
Dick: (interjects) Dedicated man.
Maddox: (chuckles) Right! She complained about not enough women in video games. You know what would help introduce more women to video games, is taking a $100,000-budget and then putting that towards developing a video game.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: How about that? Would that introduce more women to video games? Yeah. I think so!
Dick: I don't even understand that complaint. There's tons of women in video games.
Maddox: Of course! Of course.
Dick: I mean, that's...it's like, it's so ubiquitous that it's not even weird to see a female heroine.
Maddox: No.
Dick: Is...is it?
Maddox: No, and I pick them in my video games. I don't think of my video game character's gender when I'm playing. I don't CARE.
Dick: And they're all beautiful. Like, they're all physical specimens. The men are, the women are; that's the whole point of a fantasy.
Maddox: Well, can you imagine if Mario...like for example, one of the big criticisms is Mario is the power player in his games and the princess is the damsel in distress. Well, can you imagine if the situation were reversed and you played the female heroine like you do in Metroid, which nobody cared about the gender.
Dick: No!
Maddox: It's not about the gender. For all intents and purposes, I thought Metroid was a robot the first time I played it. You don't even learn the character's gender until after you beat the game!
Dick: Until the very end!
Maddox: And then -
Dick: (interjects) And then it's like, "Oh, huh! How 'bout that?"
Maddox: Yeah, "Huh! How about that?"
Dick: That's what I thought as a kid. I was like, "Oh hey, it's a chick. How 'bout that?"
Maddox: But here's how people like, uh...people who look for reasons to be offended can turn it around. If the situation were reversed and the princess was trying to save Mario, then people could simply say, "Oh, well, you are controlling a female character in a video game, taking away her agency..."
Dick: Oh, god.
Maddox: "...and you're in control, and it's a man's control. It's a man's industry, and blah blah blah blah blah." Just...there's always some angle to complain about!!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Man! Anyway. Yeah, so E3.
Dick: Well, speakin' of E3, we sent a correspondent there.
Maddox: Yeah Dick, I partnered up with a blogger, Tom Phillips, over at http://gameobliterator.biz! Have you heard of that site?
Dick: No. It sounds like a fake site, in fact.
Maddox: No, it's... (cracks up) Dick, it's not a fake site! (Dick laughs) http://gameobliterator.biz!
Dick: It doesn't sound like a fake...it doesn't sound that crazy, it just sounds like a piece of shit. Dot biz? (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Maddox: No. (Dick laughs) It's a good site! My buddy Tom Phillips went to E3!
Dick: Alright, let's hear some from Tom Phillips at E3.
Maddox: Alright! [Dick plays Tom Phillips E3 intro]
(techno beat in background)
"Tom Phillips": Thanks Dick & Maddox. I'm Tom Phillips, junior editor at GameObliterator.biz, and here's the latest video game scoops on E3's hottest indie titles. (Dick and Maddox giggling)
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
[intro ends]
Dick: Oh, there's the shouting. (both crack up) Alright, let's hear something from Tom Phillips.
Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays first Tom Phillips E3 bit]
(techno beat in background)
"Tom Phillips": The Nintendo eShop gets a great new RPG with "Chrono Trigger Warning." Now, a trigger warning for this review: it will contain trigger warnings, so if you're triggered by trigger warnings, you may want to stop listening. (Maddox laughs) Also, if trigger warnings ABOUT trigger warnings are a trigger for you, we completely respect that, unless respecting your feelings is a trigger, in which case, we don't. (everyone laughs) Anyway, this game sucks, don't play it.
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
[bit ends]
Dick: Ohh. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah! No, Tom does some really good journalism here.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay, one more?
Maddox: Yeah! [Dick plays next Tom Phillips E3 bit]
(techno beat in background)
"Tom Phillips": Put the pedal to the metal in the all-new kart racing game, Speed Racist. (everyone laughs) You play the world's fastest racist, battling against legends like Racer Malcolm X, and the Affirmative Action, Action, Action! team. Get behind the wheel of the Mach Things Were Better In 1955, and race your way up to grand wizard. Sounds like a great game!
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
[bit ends]
(Dick guffaws)
Maddox: Great!
Dick: One more. [plays next Tom Phillips E3 bit]
"Tom Phillips": Maxis Milwaukee pulled the curtain off SimGentrifier, the new city-building game where you get to push the poors out of town as fast as possible. Build a Food Truck Festival, an organic cookie bakery, a Starbucks across the street from another Starbucks, or a mixology academy called "Stirrin' Up Trouble." Whatever you can dream, you can do...to these poor blacks and Mexicans. (more giggling) Win the game, and you'll get to build a three-story Whole Foods! A dream come true for whites. (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly)
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
Dick: That is a dream come true! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeeeah! Oh man, can you imagine all the, uh, the tempeh they sell there? That four-story Whole Foods? (cracking up)
Dick: What's that? What's tempeh?
Maddox: Tempeh? It's another fuckin', uh, thing. It's just a bunch of beans.
Dick: Like quinoa?
Maddox: Eh, it's just a buncha compressed beans and shit. Yeah, it's grains and shit.
Dick: You better watch it, man! (grins)
Maddox: What?
Dick: You might get on a list sayin' words like "tempeh." (Maddox laughs) You're one of them now. Alright, let's do some problems.
Maddox: Alright, let's get to the problems.
Dick: I'll bring some more of those later.
Maddox: Dick, my first problem this week is anti-intellectualism.
Dick: Well, you're right. I'm already very upset...
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: ...by your problem.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: I'm already in a very foul mood.
Maddox: I knew you would be, Dick!
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: Anti-intellectualism, ('an-tee') or anti-intellectualism. ('an-tai') However they like to pronounce it.
Dick: Anti-intellectualites. Is that what you would call us?
Maddox: I guess.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Or 'intoolectualism.' What did...how did I mispronounce it a couple episodes ago? You guys had such a good time makin' fun of me 'cause I misspoke! (angrily) (Dick laughs)
Dick: Yeah. Uh, I don't know. You wanna recreate it, just dump a bunch of marbles in your mouth and try to say it again. (Maddox laughs loudly)
Maddox: 'Intooalectual,' I think is how I pronounced it. Anyway -
Dick: (interjects) Go ahead.
Maddox: Anyway Dick, it's, uh...anti-intellectualism is the embrace and celebration of ignorance. It's putting stupidity and ignorance -- which aren't the same thing, by the way -- on a pedestal. Right? It's cool to be dumb in this country. Dick, I...we talked about this yesterday. You know that, uh...there's a thing going around on the Internet. I saw this on the front page of Reddit. There's the "80 miles per hour" question.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Right?
Dick: Yeah, if you wanna have a fight with your girlfriend or wife, go ask her this question.
Maddox: Yeah, it's a great way to have a fight. Sean, do you know what this is?
Sean: No, I haven't heard of it.
Maddox: Okay Sean, if a car is traveling 80 miles per hour, how long will it take that car to travel 80 miles?
Sean: 80 minutes?
Dick: Ohh...
Maddox: Nooo. (smiling)
Dick: Oh nohohohoho! (laughing)
Maddox: Okay. So -
Sean: (interjects) If it's 80 mi-...wait! Oh, to travel 80 mi-...oh, what?
Dick: Ohh, no!
Sean: I'm sorry, one hour.
Maddox: One hour, yeah!
Dick: Okay, yes.
Sean: Jesus Christ, yeah!
Maddox: Okay -
Dick: (interjects) Jeheeheesus Christ, is right! (grinning)
Sean: Hey, I've been up 'til like 4 in the morning. Like...
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: Sean, you could be dead and you should still get that right immediately.
Sean: Yeah, if you're...
Maddox: Well, okay, so here's the thing, Dick. I have -
Sean: (interjects) Jesus.
Maddox: I have a suspicion that that question itself is a little bit of a trick question.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Because it seems so simple that people overthink it.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Right?
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: But I do genuinely also believe that the other side of it is a lot of people are really just fuckin' dumb, and they...
Dick: Don't understand.
Maddox: They don't understand, and they also...they think that it's uncool to know and be versed in math. To even be able to answer that question correctly right off the bat is uncool.
Dick: Well, that part's a bit of a leap for me. What, Sean?
Sean: Can you have acute stupidity? That's what I'm blaming it on.
Maddox: Acute stupidity?
Dick: Acute stupidity.
Sean: Acute stupidity, yeah.
Dick: Like momentary flashes of stupidity?
Sean: Yeah, what I just did.
Dick: Sure! Yeah.
Maddox: Sean, you're not a stupid person. You had -
Sean: (interjects) I didn't THINK so, until now. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: No. No Sean, I think that you are in the latter camp where you over-...overthunk it and tried to, uh...I don't know. (stammers) You have hiccups, sure.
Dick: People ask you a question and you think they want more thought than is required.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: If somebody asks you something that's obvious, you think, "Well, why are they asking me? It must be trickier, especially 'cause they got this stupid smug grin on their face that I wanna knock through the back of their head."
Maddox: Right. So Dick, I wanna talk about specifically, though, the people who embrace dumbness, and this is one of the clips. This is one of the videos that's floating around on the Internet. I saw this on the front page of Reddit, and it's one of these videos where people record their friends trying to answer this question.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Listen to this. [plays clip from "80 mph" video]
Girl asking: ...80 miles per hour, how long will it take you to go 80 miles?
(brief silence)
Girl answering: Whaaaat? (other girl giggles)
Dick: "Whuuuuiiit?" (ditzy voice)
Maddox: "Mlehhh?"
Girl answering: Okay, if you're going 80 miles per hour...
Girl asking: Mhm.
Girl answering: ...how long will it take you to go 80 miles?
Girl asking: Yeah. (laughing)
Girl answering: I don't understaaand! (both girls giggle)
Dick: No?
Maddox: "Euhhh!" (whiny voice)
Girl answering: Okay, 80 m-...so do I, like, divide something?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "Euhhleh!"
Girl asking: No. (giggles)
[clip ends]
Dick: Well, that's misleading. You definitely divide.
Maddox: (ditzy voice) "Mehh, I don't understaaand! Eheheheheh!" IDIOT. These fuckin' morons think it's cute to be dumb. They embrace it! They love it. Newsweek did a poll, Dick, of 1,000 US citizens and found that 44% couldn't define the Bill of Rights! 73% couldn't say why we fought the Cold War.
Dick: The entire Bill of Rights, or they couldn't...they couldn't say what it is?
Maddox: No, they didn't know what it is. Yeah.
Dick: Well... (scoffs) I don't know. Is that anti-intellectualism's fault?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, I don't know that I could list all 10 of them.
Maddox: Well, but you know what the Bill of Rights are, right?
Dick: First 10 amendments of the Constitution, right? That guarantee personal freedoms...
Maddox: Right.
Dick: ...that get chiseled away at every year. Right?
Maddox: (laughs) Okay. You gotta wedge in your little, uh...
Dick: By a Nobel Prize-winning, uh, peacemonger.
Sean: Say it! (Dick laughs) Say it, Maddox.
Maddox: Libertarian agenda!!
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Sean: There it is! (laughing)
Maddox: You were waiting for it. I'm givin' you blue balls, Sean.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uh, Representative Paul Broun... ('broon') Broun? ('brown') Whatever, from Georgia says evolution and the Big Bang theory are lies. Listen to this. This is a clip from a congressman!
Dick: Okay. [Maddox plays Paul Broun clip]
Broun: (thick Southern accent) All this stuff I was taught about evolution and...embryology and the Big Bang theory, all that is lies (Dick laughs) straight from the pit o'hell.
[clip ends]
Dick: I'm so glad he has that accent!
Maddox: Yeah. "Liiiies straight from the pit o'hell."
Dick: Yeah. Fuckin' magnets, man. How do they work? (smiling)
Maddox: Well, apparently they don't! They're lies, Dick!
Dick: Lies?
Maddox: They're lies from the pit of hell.
Dick: Well...
Maddox: The pit of hell! The very d-...the very bottom of hell. So clearly, not only are these lies straight from hell, but they're from the WORST part of hell, supposedly.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I mean, if hell's a bad place, the pit of it must be even worse!
Dick: The traitors. That's where the traitors go.
Maddox: You wanna be -
Dick: (interjects) Judas, Cassius. (Maddox chuckles) The ci-...I'm serious!
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: The pit of hell?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You wanna be at the top of hell. If you go to hell, you wanna be, like, in the clouds.
Dick: Limbo.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: The very top, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: The unbaptized children.
Maddox: Well, that was a congressman. Here is a senator, Senator James Inhofe. He brought a snowball to the Senate floor. (Sean chuckles in the background) To disprove global warming. Listen to this. [plays James Inhofe clip]
Inhofe: You know what this is? It's a snowball, and that...just from outside here, so it's very, very cold out. Very unseasonal. So here Mr. President, catch this. Mhm! Um...
[clip ends]
Maddox: He threw a snowball... (Dick guffaws)
Dick: What a jackass. (laughing)
Maddox: ...on the Senate floor, to disprove global climate change. (incredulous) Meanwhile, by the way, last year was the hottest on record, directly in line with predictions of climatologist models.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: Yeah. Um, so -
Dick: (interjects) So this...wait, wait, wait a minute. You got a buncha stuff going on here already.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You got a little girl who's too stupid to do basic math...or who doesn't understand the question. Right? (Maddox starts to protest) She's either stupid or she got duped into saying the wrong thing, let's say.
Maddox: Yeah, but it's not just her, Dick. There are so many countless examples of people online who think it's cool to be dumb.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They really...they think it's...they think that, uh, that learning math is uncool, that learning...anything, science is uncool, they think that, um...and that's kind of why I think there's a backlash to it. That stupid "I Fucking Love Science" Facebook meme?
Dick: I hate that thing.
Maddox: I do too!
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause it's NOT science.
Maddox: No, it's not!
Dick: It's just pictures.
Maddox: It's science tourism, and it's not helping this problem at all. It is anti-intellectualism, because it's, um...it's almost like the slacktivist version of interest in science, because you're not doing the work. You're not doing the research, you're not reading the studies; you're just looking at pictures. You're lookin' at pretty pictures of things.
Dick: Yeah. Well, when you say "intellectuals," when you say "anti-intellectualism," what I picture in my head is some tweed-jacket-wearing, mustachioed snob that called themselves an intellectual so they could feel superior to everyone else and to manufacture authority for their stupid opinions. When I hear "intellectual," that's what I think. I don't think about a reverend trying to sell the Bible to his constituents. You know? Like that guy who said the Big Bang is a lie. Like, of course you're gonna say that! You're selling to a bunch of die-hard Bible-thumping Christians. That's the line! You know what I'm saying? I don't know if that's, like, if that's intellectualis-...if that's anti-intellectualism rather than slavish religious devotion.
Maddox: Well Dick, that, uh, that slavish religious devotion...look man, there's nothing inherently wrong with, uh, with...my philosophy on religion versus say, science, for example. There's nothing inherently contradictory between the two because science is equipped to answer the questions "what," "how," "when," and sometimes "where." Those are the questions that science can answer.
Dick: And "why."
Maddox: No! Science can't answer "why."
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: "Why"...
Dick: Energy.
Maddox: Hold on, lemme explain.
Dick: Yeah?
Maddox: "Why" is a philosophical question, Dick. "Why" is in the realm of philosophy. And when I was 7 years old, I was kinda curious about religion and I looked up in the dictionary the definition of "religion," and it said...very simple definition. It said it's a group of people who share a common philosophy, and I thought, "Okay, well, then a lot of different groups of people who have a common philosophy can be defined as religious," right? And I believe that modern secularism, like say on Reddit, r/AtheismPlus or whatever? It's almost become its own secular type of religion because they share a common philosophy, and religion is trying to answer that question "why." Like, science isn't gonna say WHY the Big Bang happened.
Dick: Well, but it's gonna say why did the ball fall out of the sky? Gravity.
Maddox: That's HOW. That's not why.
Dick: Ah, okay.
Maddox: Right?
Dick: Well, whatever you're...I don't know. If it's a saying you're trying to make, then fine. I'm -
Maddox: (interjects) No no, it's a really important distinction, Dick! "How" and "why" are s-...HUGE, hugely different questions. There's a huge chasm of knowledge in between the two. You cannot...science can never answer "why"! Science is not equipped to answer "why," because that is in the realm of philosophy.
Dick: Eh, alright.
Maddox: And that's why I don't have an inherent problem with people who have a philosophy, be it religion or something else, as long as you're not being anti-intellectual about it like this dipshit senator...this congressman was.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Dick, back to that Newsweek article. "Poll after poll shows that voters have no clue what the budget actually looks like. In 2010, a World Public Opinion survey found that Americans want to tackle deficits by cutting foreign aid from what they believe is the current level, at 23% of the budget, to a more prudent 13%." What do you think about that?
Dick: Cutting foreign aid?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I'm for it.
Maddox: You're for it?
Dick: Yeah, of course.
Maddox: Why?
Dick: 'Cause it's...I don't wanna give them my money.
Maddox: Wh-...well, do you think that it's too much? We're giving them too much foreign aid?
Dick: Of my money? Yes.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Anything more than zero is too much.
Maddox: Anything more than zero?
Dick: Of my money, yes.
Maddox: Okay Dick, what do you think the actual percentage is of foreign aid that we give to, uh, to other countries?
Dick: As a percentage of what? Taxes?
Maddox: As a percentage of our...let's see...
Dick: GDP?
Maddox: Yeah, of our budget. Of our national budget.
Dick: Probably extremely small.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So -
Dick: (interjects) What, is it in the...is it in the billions, that we give in foreign aid?
Maddox: Well...
Dick: Is it in the tens of billions?
Maddox: Well, that's, uh...that's not a very helpful number, because it's...we're talking relative budgets. Like, $16 million is nothing to a government budget, right?
Dick: Well, but -
Maddox: (interjects) That's a drop in the bucket, but it's -
Dick: (interjects) If trillions is the amount that we're getting in taxes, then tens of billions means something.
Maddox: Well, it's -
Dick: (interjects) It's a fraction of a percent.
Maddox: Exactly, so we're talkin' about percentages. It's less than 1%.
Dick: Fraction of a percent, yeah!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's what I thought.
Maddox: Less than 1%. So it's kind of like trying to say, "Well, I'm gonna save money, so I'm gonna stop buying toothpicks," where the majority of your spending is going towards gambling or alcohol or some other wasteful spending. Right?
Dick: Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Maddox: It's kind of like -
Dick: (interjects) Do you have a problem with what I just said? That I don't...that my estimates of how much we were giving...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...were exactly right, AND I had a problem with giving it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Do you have a problem with any of that?
Maddox: (chuckles) No. No, you bully. (both laugh)
Dick: I'm just curious, 'cause you asked me those questions and they were in line with what your research says, so I thought the point would be that I didn't know what I was talking about.
Maddox: I thought -
Dick: (interjects) Or these people didn't.
Maddox: I thought you might be, in this specific case, one of these people, Dick. Because you...I hear a lot of libertarians say, "Well, we should cut foreign aid. We should cut foreign aid, it's wasteful spending, blah blah blah," but it's not. It's less than a drop in the bucket, where the majority of the spending, Dick...this is, um...here, I'll continue reading this article.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: It says here, "A January 25th CNN poll, meanwhile, discovered that even though 71% of voters want smaller government..." Did you know that, Dick? 71% of voters say they want smaller government.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "But the vast majority of them oppose cuts to Medicare (81%), Social Security (78%), and Medicaid (70%). Instead they prefer to slash waste, a category..." (Dick laughs loudly) Yeah! "...a category that, in their - "
Dick: (interjects) Ahhh. Yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: "...in their fantasy world, accounts for 50% of the spending, according to a 2009 Gallup poll." So people think that the majority of our money is being wasted on foreign aid when it's not!
Dick: Wait a minute, I agree with those numbers though! I'm one of those -
Maddox: (interjects) Okay, here we go! (chuckling)
Dick: Well yeah, because I think that the, um...with the government supporting health care, it artificially inflates the cost of health care. I wouldn't be surprised if that artificial inflation was 50%, if 70% of the value of soy comes from subsidies. That's a 70% percent waste! If you wanna knock that down to 50 for health care, I wouldn't be surprised by that.
Maddox: Dick...
Dick: I don't think that's...I mean, I don't think that's outta line.
Maddox: Dick, wasteful spending is defined more like pork barrel spending. Spending on projects that don't go anywhere, dead-end projects. Like say China, for example, and it's...and you can make the case that this is something that they do to stimulate their construction sector, but they build buildings and then destroy them, and then build buildings and then destroy them. They just keep doing this over and over again to keep these, uh, keep these people employed. That's...I think you could make the case that that's wasteful spending.
Dick: Sure!
Maddox: But wasteful spending, Dick...but -
Dick: (interjects) Obvious wasteful spending!
Maddox: Right, right, right, but that...it doesn't account for 50%.
Dick: Well, but this is a poll. This is people...this is asking people how much of the money do you think the government wastes?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: 50%. I would say...yeah, I'd say you could do everything you're doin' for half.
Maddox: Okay. Well, that's you, Dick, not based on any qualifications or...
Dick: But that's the...that's the poll you brought in. Isn't it?
Maddox: Yeah, most people think that it's around 50%, but it's kind of like people who cry and scream and bitch about welfare when it's less than a percent...what is it? Like less than 2% of the budget, somethin' like that, where the majority of the spending is going towards military, and we have...uh, we have TONS of antiquated and deprecated military equipment that we just sit on and stockpile year after year after year, and we keep planes in budget...we keep these extremely expensive planes manufactured because the manufacturing comes from every different state in the Union, right?
Dick: Sure, yeah.
Maddox: So canceling that project would be extremely unpopular for the constituents. That's where the waste is coming from, when we are funding these deprecated technologies...
Dick: Sure!
Maddox: ...when we don't need to.
Dick: That's wasteful as well!
Maddox: Well, that is the majority of the waste. If you're talkin' about waste, Dick, buying toothpicks isn't your problem; you need to stop gambling.
Dick: So do you have a problem with me not wanting to buy...like, I have a problem with toothpicks AND the gambling. Stop both of it! And -
Maddox: (interjects) Oho, sure! (sarcastic) Stop both of it! No, the problem with that, Dick, is if you put the equal amount of attention toward stopping both, you're neglecting the more important problem. Right? Right now I have my taxes due, but also my house is on fire. Well, I'm gonna pay my taxes and put my house on...put my house out, right? No! You put the house out first because that's the important one. You take care of the big problems first! You tackle the big problems and then you look for what's left after the details.
Dick: I don't think you're gonna get buy-in on tackling the big problems though. Like, I think a lot of America supports that enormous military-industrial complex.
Maddox: A lot of Americans are ignorant and they don't even realize that it exists, according to these polls.
Dick: Uh, could be. I don't know. That -
Maddox: (interjects) I mean, how else can you -
Dick: (interjects) People are very fearful.
Maddox: Well, sure!
Dick: Like, having a big military makes 'em feel safe, I think.
Maddox: Yeah, I guess. Dick, I want to, uh...I want to read a little bit more from this Newsweek article.
Dick: Sure, go ahead.
Maddox: So in their fantasy world, these people think that 50% of our spending is wasteful, right? And these are the same people who want smaller government and yet don't want to cut Medicare, Social Security, Medicaid, et cetera. Right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So, "...politicians pander to them anyway and even encourage their misapprehensions. As a result, we're now arguing over short-term spending cuts that would cost up to 700,000 government jobs, imperiling the shaky recovery and impairing our ability to compete globally while doing nothing to tackle the long-term fiscal challenges that threaten our ability compete globally." That's the problem with worrying about this 1% of our budget that's going towards foreign aid.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Because that's what they cry the loudest about, and the politicians pander to these...to their constituents! They say, "Okay, well, you guys, uh, you guys don't want us to give foreign aid. Let's cut foreign aid, let's cut these..." uh, welfare and all these other social programs that are drops in the bucket compared to the majority of the spending that we are wasting on...on excessive military surplus and deprecated technologies.
Dick: Yeah, I, um...I don't know if this anti-intellectual though, 'cause a lot of it's political. This is...a lot of these examples are very political, and when you talk about politics, when you bring up anything political you're talking about, like, people's basest fears and beliefs that are going into a lot of these decisions.
Maddox: Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Dick, because anti-intellectualism is essentially ignorance, and ignorance leads to racism, and there's a very popular story in the news right now about a guy who shot up a church, a black church in South Carolina. Right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So anti-intellectualism can lead to racism, which can sometimes result in tragedies that happen like in Charleston. 9 people were killed because this dipshit read some right-wing conspiracy websites about how blacks and Jews were a huge problem, so he took it upon himself to start a new race war. And he failed.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: The response from the blacks that he killed was forgiveness.
Dick: Mm.
Maddox: His goal was to start a race war! You know what inspired this guy, this gunman, to, uh, to kill these black people?
Dick: What?
Maddox: He started Googling -
Dick: (interjects) Dukes of Hazzard?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Not Dukes of Hazzard. (Dick cracks up) Are you talking about the Confederate flag on their car?
Dick: Uh, the TV show.
Maddox: Yeah, no, I know, but because they have a Confederate flag on the car?
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: What's that car called?
Dick: Um...General Lee.
Maddox: General Lee, that's right. No, it wasn't the Dukes of Hazzard, Dick. Thank you for guessing.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Um, it was... (cracks up) It was, though, the Trayvon Martin case. Trayvon Martin, for those who are not in America, was this kid walking through a neighborhood with a hoodie on, and he was followed by a neighborhood watch.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Like, this guy who was a self-appointed neighborhood guard, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And the guy started following this dude, this kid walking through the neighborhood wearing a hoodie 'cause he's this black kid...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...walkin' through kind of an affluent neighborhood, and so he thought, "Well, I'm gonna see what this guy's up to," so he called the police and he said, "Hey, I'm following this guy."
Dick: All legal. So far.
Maddox: Well, the police told him...the police told him that, uh, to stop following him.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Because...well...
Dick: Just a suggestion.
Maddox: ...as history plays out, it's a bad idea to confront people because you're not a police officer. This kid...so he went up and tried to confront this kid and the kid's like, "Back the fuck away from me."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Right? As he should, because you're not a fucking police officer. You can't stop people, you can't detain them, you can't interrogate them, you can't ask for anything, and no fucking crime has been committed. Fuck off!! People have a right to walk wherever the fuck they want, and it doesn't matter if they're black or wearing a hoodie and they look sinister to YOU, dickhead, but you can't stop them because you're not a fucking cop. Fuck off!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: What happened after that is that the kid got in a confrontation with this guy...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...because the kid said "fuck off" and doesn't wanna be hassled, because he's a black kid and probably, you know, it may have happened a lot to him.
Dick: I'm sure it did!
Maddox: So he didn't wanna be...he wanted to be left alone. The guy wouldn't let up so they got in a confrontation, and George Zimmerman...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...the guy, the neighborhood watch, pulled a gun on the kid and shot the kid. Shot him dead. Didn't have to happen! Cops told him -
Dick: (interjects) Didn't they get into a fight too?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Cops told him to l-...to back off and stop following the guy. He wouldn't! Dick, I've seen cars driving drunk and I've called the police to report them, and the police tell me...the first thing they say is "don't follow them," 'cause they know -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, you can get hurt.
Maddox: Yeah. And also, Dick, I sincerely do have a problem with neighborhood watches because I used to live in an apartment complex that was ruled by a homeowners association, and we had a huge uptick in crime and their response was not to hire a security guard and not to put up cameras, but to instill a neighborhood watch. (Dick laughs) Great fucking policy.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, guess what? This neighborhood watch policy of theirs was instilled one month before the Trayvon Martin case, and I laughed so hard at their fucking stupid policy because I saw somebody walking out of my apartment complex with a bike, and he looked suspicious. He may have been stealing the bike! And I thought for a second, "Well, this neighborhood watch is in effect. Maybe I should go confront this guy," and then I realized, "I'm not going to put my life on the line to confront somebody because I don't have a gun on me, I don't have a weapon on me, and I'm going to put myself in harm's way for what?"
Dick: A bike?
Maddox: "To save them money??"
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: "And besides, it might actually be his bike! I might just be goin' up to an innocent person and interrogating them for what reason?"
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "It's a lose-lose situation. If he's stealing it I might get attacked, and if he's not stealing it I look like an asshole." Neighborhood watches don't fucking work! You call the police, end of fucking story! Or you hire private security that know what the fuck they're doing, not this dipshit George Zimmerman. So this George Zimmerman case happened, right? This kid, this Roof kid who shot up this black church, was inspired by that guy.
Dick: Huh.
Maddox: He started Googling black-on-white crime, because he thought, "Well, what's the big deal?" So this kid who shot up this black church started Googling this and he thought, "Well, I don't see what the problem is. I don't see what the big deal is. They got in a confrontation, the kid got killed. Well, what about black-on-white crime?" And he started Googling, and he went to this conservative...this far-right website that was, uh, that was talking...that showed a whole bunch of cherry-picked instances of black-on-white crime and he said, "Well, blacks are the problem," and then he started looking at some white nationalist websites and he found that...he started looking at websites about Jews and about Mexicans, and for some reason left Asians out of this equation, but he was...he read these bullshit websites, these shitty news sources. They're not news sources, by the way. They're alternate news websites. They call them "alternate news," and they create a fear of the mainstream media by just castigating the mainstream media as being corrupt and being a shill of the government and being lies and being corporate interests and et cetera, et cetera, et cetera. Right? They create this fear, and then they post this unresearched, unsourced bullshit and then these kids...people like this kid read this website and then got inspired and tried to foment a race war.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's what happened. It's ignorance! The root of this is ignorance. This is from Psychology Today; they wrote an article about anti-intellectualism recently. They said, "America is killing itself through its embrace and exaltation of ignorance, and the evidence is all around us. Dylann Roof, the Charleston shooter who used race as a basis for hate and mass murder, is just the latest horrific example. Many will correctly blame Roof's actions on America's culture of racism and gun violence, but it's time to realize that such phenomena are directly tied to the nation's culture of ignorance. [...] An anti-intellectual society, however, will have large swaths of people who are motivated by fear, susceptible to tribalism and simplistic explanations, incapable of emotional maturity, and prone to violent solutions. Sound familiar?"
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: That's people.
Maddox: That's ant-...that's what anti-intellectualism causes.
Dick: How does intellectualism fix that? Like, so this guy who wants to start a race war, that screams that he wants to be, like...he's so narcissistic and megalomaniacal, he wants to be the cause of a momentous race war. Like, I don't think learning things and reading books is gonna fix that. That's INSANE. To think you're so important that you need to be the cause of a race war? That's insanity!
Maddox: That's a good point, Dick. It is insanity, and that's a larger argument that I'd be making about gun massacres. Large mass shootings?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: If you want to blame mass shootings on guns or culture or video games or violent movies or anything, what you're essentially doing is trying to find a rational reason, a rational explanation, for an irrational act.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You can't.
Dick: No!
Maddox: It's an irrational act. If you are trying to say that "because of blah blah blah, 'X', 'Y', and 'Z', this irrational act happened," you're wrong! There is no rational explanation for doing a mass shooting, killing innocent people.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: There's no rational explanation for that.
Dick: Yeah, and I think it's gonna get worse, to be honest. Like as our lives and technology become more interwoven, random acts of sporadic, desperate acts of violence will fade away, but I think these psychopaths, like these lunatics, have easier access to kill people. You know what I mean?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause technology makes it easier to kill lots of people, but it also...it lessens certain violence, but it opens the door for stuff like this. I think that's just the way it is.
Maddox: Well, it's not...it doesn't have to be. I think that the solution here is a greater...a greater focus on mental health, not just in this country but around the world.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: If we started focusing a little bit more on mental health, remove the stigma of talking to a psychiatrist or getting therapy when you need it, then maybe we can start to see a drop in these type of violent incidents.
Dick: I think you're right about that, the stigma especially. Lemme take it back to that George Zimmerman thing.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Because last...two Christmases ago, we had a ton of shit get stolen. We had Amazon deliveries get stolen off of people's doorsteps. Right? That's a -
Maddox: (interjects) At your apartment complex?
Dick: Yeah, at my apartment complex.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: That's a play that, uh, that burglars make around Christmas time.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause everybody's getting a ton of stuff shipped to their apartment...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...and, um, they just walk by. People think nothing of it, they walk by, grab it, leave, fence it; I don't know what they do. So after that, somebody got a bicycle stolen off of my apartment floor, which is very, VERY difficult to get into.
Maddox: And it's a bike. Was it assembled, or, uh...?
Dick: Oh, it was a full-on bike!
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: So they...this person got into my apartment complex through our moats and our gates and whatever...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...went up to my floor, grabbed a bike and just left!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, this...if there's an altercation in that case, if somebody tries to stop them from stealing their bike?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: That could end in a murder!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That could end in an assault; it could end in anything.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: It's like an element of danger and chaos. Ever since then, ever since that happened and probably for the rest of my life, when I see people who are in my area who I don't know, I make a point to say "hi" at least and "Where are you...where are you in the building? Who are you here to see?" In a friendly way!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: In a friendly way. "Hey, how's it goin'? Oh, what floor are you goin' to? What floor are you..." and if they start stammering and getting weird, then I think, "Ahh, I gotta look for security."
Maddox: Hm.
Dick: "At least I know this guy's face." Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Now, I don't have a gun. I'm not looking to cause a fight.
Maddox: Of course, yeah.
Dick: If I see people skulking around, I wanna know what they're doing.
Maddox: That's fair, and the way you approach it, Dick, is a very, uh...it's a very good way of doing it because you're friendly and non-hostile, unlike George Zimmerman who was...he was looking for a fight.
Dick: EXACTLY, and that's the...his insanity is that he wanted to be the hero. I don't wanna be a hero.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I just wanna know who this is so when there's a...now keep in mind, the same guy who was going around all the apartment buildings close to me got into a fight with somebody 'cause he jumped over...he jumped into this chick's apartment. Like, he jumped over their balcony?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And there was a fight! There was an assault, he knocked a couple girls over, he broke up their apartment. He got arrested after that, but the point is there's a gray area between minding your own business and walking around your town like you're Wyatt Earp.
Maddox: I agree.
Dick: Right? Alright.
Maddox: I agree, and the way you're doing it is correct. If people deescalated situations...first of all, that's a skill that not a lot of people have. If you see someone who's agitated or upset or becoming agitated by what you're doing or saying, there is quite a skill to have to be able to deescalate that situation.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And the way you're approaching it, Dick, is non-hostile and it's non-threatening. You're doing it just the right way, and your approach afterwards is to contact security. Great!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's a model...that's a model citizen. That's exactly what you should -
Dick: (interjects) I'm...I am America. (both laugh)
Maddox: Dick, I just wanna end on this one last point.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: And I know this has been a long problem, but -
Dick: (interjects) Well, it got big!
Maddox: Yeah, it is.
Dick: I thought it was just gonna be about you feeling smarter than everyone else again.
Maddox: No. (laughs)
Dick: Your intellectual shit, 'cause I think...I don't like intellectuals.
Maddox: Oh. (amused)
Dick: I don't like Neil deGrasse Tyson. I think it's a name that they call themselves so their opinion is inherently worth more than everybody else's.
Maddox: Dick, what is -
Dick: (interjects) You know?
Maddox: What is in-...what is an intellectual?
Dick: An intellectual to me is somebody whose hobby is consuming what they consider smart materials. Like, enriching their mind, so to speak. But it's the same as, like, a CrossFit person. An intellectual to me is like a CrossFit guy but with books.
Maddox: Yeah, no...okay, that's your definition of it, and I... (chuckles) I regret asking. Uh... (both laugh)
Sean: That term, the term "intellectual," is usually applied...by the person s-
Dick: (interjects) As a pejorative!
Sean: Well, no...well, but...
Maddox: No, it's not. (disdainful)
Sean: It's usually given to the person by that person.
Dick: Yeah, exactly!!
Maddox: No, it's not.
Sean: Isn't it?
Maddox: No!
Dick: Who describes somebody like, "Oh, they're a real intellectual"? You say like, "Oh, they're very smart," or "they're very wise," or "they're very well-cultured," or "they're well-learned."
Maddox: Because, Dick, the concept of intellectual...if somebody's truly intellectual, they're usually pretty smart, right? And part of being smart is also having an element of self-cognizance and self-awareness and realizing how coming across as an immodest douchebag can make people like you less. And by the way, I don't fit in that category, 'cause my Twitter account right now, my profile says...here, I'll read the actual quote.
Dick: "Visionary"? Something like that?
Maddox: Yeah, it says... (cracks up) It says here, "Intellectual heavyweight." (laughs) "Thought leader. Genius."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's me.
Dick: Prick.
Maddox: Yeah, but that's me!
Dick: Smug prick. (both laugh) That's what an intellectual is! An intellectual to me is, like, someone who was born beautiful and is always lording it over everyone else. It's like, "Yeah, congratu-...like, you like this shit."
Maddox: Nooo.
Dick: "You like reading stupid books the same as every other intellectual, every brainiac who likes to pretend that their mind was opened by reading about how big the universe is. Why don't you shut up and come help us dig some holes out here?"
Maddox: No, Dick. An intellectual is just somebody who rea-...you don't have to just read "smart" books. You don't have to read Top 100 books, or you don't have to read Dickens all fucking day to be an intellectual. You can read whatever you want to be an intellectual, but part of the element that makes you an intellectual is critical thinking.
Dick: Oh, god. (under his breath)
Maddox: Alright? Yeah. Yeah! I'm tying this in with that solution! Go vote it up, people!!
Dick: I thought it would be more about these...like, this culture of embracing ignorance, like what these little girls are doin'.
Maddox: Oh, it is! This all has to do...I mean, this is a big problem, Dick. I know we, um...there's a lot to cover here. I just wanna end on this one last point from Psychology Today. They said, "Some will point out, correctly, that even educated people can still be racists..." That's true!
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: "...but this shouldn’t remove the spotlight from anti-intellectualism. Yes, even intelligent and educated individuals, often due to cultural and institutional influences, can sometimes carry racist biases. But critically thinking individuals recognize racism as wrong and undesirable." And this article goes on. I didn't bring in the rest of the quote. Uh... (chuckles) There's one page left on my printer at home, but... (both laugh) But I did leave it off there intentionally because that last sentence is really important. You know I talked about critical thinking as a solution...
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: ...in the solutions episode, right? They said here, "critically thinking individuals recognize racism as wrong and undesirable." Why? Why is racism wrong and undesirable? You ever think about that, Dick?
Dick: Like, to me personally or in society as a whole?
Maddox: In society as a whole.
Dick: Well, it breeds discontent.
Maddox: Yeah! It breeds discontent.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's exactly right. So I talked to this friend of mine one time who had this professor in college who taught a course, and he was making a case for blacks being intellectually inferior. He said that genetically...and he, like, cited a whole bunch of really dubious sources.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: But he said intellectually, blacks are genetically inferior, and I said, "Okay. First of all, you sound like a racist douchebag." This professor does, right? And he said, "Well, but look at the research and blah blah blah blah blah," and I thought, "Okay, well, what I'm doing now is an ad hominem attack."
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: "If I don't consider the ideas of the person saying it, then I'm just being an ad hominem douchebag." Right? So I thought, "Okay, let's assume that everything this person is saying is correct about blacks being..." Uh, let's say in this fantasy world that you can make the case for blacks being intellectually inferior.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Um, how is that information useful?
Dick: Yeah, doesn't matter.
Maddox: For public policy? Say you wanted to create some public policy based on that knowledge. Do you think that blacks are just gonna sit back and say, "Okay! Well, I guess the fuckin' research is there, so let's go ahead and discriminate against us." It's going to foment racial discontent, and it's going to cause MORE problems, not less. It's not solving ANY problems.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Even if it were true, it's not even useful! And it's not true, by the way. But it's not even useful!
Dick: I still think that racism is more culture-based than anti-intellectual-based, 'cause, like...does it happen as often where people are spontaneously racist in environments where they're not raised that way? I feel like it's passed on from generation to generation. You slowly have to quell it out of the mindset, you know? I don't think it's about being educated.
Maddox: It could be part of the human condition to relate to...'like' likes 'like', right?
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: We identify with people who look like us, and therefore give them benefits and...it may come back to some basic instinct of tribalism. Who knows?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: There may be...you know. Who knows? It could be somethin' like that, but I think that ignorance is at the heart of this and I think anti-intellectualism is at the heart of it. I think people who read more are smarter, I think people who do math more are smarter.
Dick: Mmm. Yeah.
Maddox: The neural pathways in their minds get built and reinforced the more they use it, and the less they use it the more likely they are to read these Infowars and stupid bullshit conspiracy websites and alternate news websites without thinking critically, without questioning their sources, without looking into anything that they're ingesting into their minds. That's why these dipshits, this anti-intellectualism is a huge problem. Vote it up.
Dick: Well, if you're so smart, why aren't you rich? To everyb-...all these intellectuals. Right? They -
Maddox: (interjects) Well, because not everyone values money, Dick.
Dick: Well, okay. (sneering) Uh, whenever I think of intellectuals, I think...who was that asshole that posted a video of his Lamborghini in his garage and then he was like, "But that's not what I really value in this garage." (Maddox chuckles) "I value all these BOOKS, 'cause I'm sooo smart."
Maddox: Ohh, alright. Sure. (groaning)
Dick: That's an intellectual! Somebody who...
Maddox: (interjects) That's a smug prick! No, he's not.
Dick: ...brags and prides themselves on their ability to fuck books. I mean, read books.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)
Dick: That's an intellectual.
Maddox: No, that's not an intellectual.
Dick: It's not...you're not saying a lack of education...like, racism is this problem you're bringing in. I don't think it's based on anti-intellectualism though.
Maddox: Of course it is!! It's ignorance! It's the embrace of ignorance, and the dumber we are as a society, the more likely it is for racism to exist.
Dick: Well, you know what ignorance I do wanna solve?
Maddox: What's that? (smiles)
Dick: Uh, the ignorance of not getting a great shave. (Maddox spits out laughing) Because this episode is brought to you by Harry's! Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "biggestproblem" to save $5 off your first purchase. I use my Harry's razor all the time. I don't know how they're making any money because I've been using the same set that they sent us months ago without needing a new one, so it'll last you forever. Uh, if -
Maddox: (interjects) Well, if you were to buy a new set, Dick, is there some discount or...?
Dick: It's only 15 bucks.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: And you get $5 off when you put in our first...our promo code "biggestproblem". With that $15, you get the razor, 3 blades and your choice of Harry's shave cream or foaming shave gel. Look, if you didn't get your dad a Harry's razor for Father's Day, you fucked up.
Maddox: Oh man, did you ever.
Dick: But there's still time! Dads will take late gifts.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: They're not like...you know, they're not like a wife or a girlfriend with their anniversary. You could miss Father's Day, get him the present a week later...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...he's still gonna appreciate it.
Maddox: Yeah, that's right. He'll especially appreciate it when he sees the quality of these blades, man. Like you said, Dick, my blades still...I still haven't thrown them out. They still work great!
Dick: Yeah, plus they look cool.
Maddox: Yeah, they look really cool.
Dick: You got a girl over, she's gonna go snooping through your medicine cabinet. They all do!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What's she gonna find? A boss-ass razor sittin' there.
Maddox: Mhm.
Dick: And she's gonna get horny as shit. (both laugh)
Maddox: She's gonna wanna shave her legs!
Dick: Yes. (grinning) Um... (both laugh again)
Maddox: By the way, Dick, this isn't just for guys! Get Harry's for your legs, ladies!
Dick: Really?
Maddox: Yeah!!
Dick: Oh, I...they don't need different ra-...? No, you're right!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Women use shitty razors for their legs!
Maddox: They're shitty ra-...yeah! And I remember one time I was dating this girl, and she saw my razor in the shower, whatever. She's like, "Well, can I use that?" I'm like, "Uh, you better! It'd be better if you used that," and so she tried it and she said, "This is the best...the smoothest shave I've ever had." I'm like, "Yeah!"
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "Guys know a thing or two about shaving!"
Sean: There was an article about that where they say women should be using men's razors...
Maddox: Yeah!
Sean: ...because they're superior.
Maddox: Oh, absolutely.
Dick: Oh, that's sexist. (Maddox laughs loudly) Don't let Anita Sarkeesian hear you say that.
Sean: No, because guys shave every day!
Dick: Yeah, that's true.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Alright, go to http://harrys.com, promo code "biggestproblem". Save 5 bucks off your first purchase.
Maddox: Hey man, if I was gonna use a tampon, I'd buy a chick brand. Chicks know a thing or two about tampons, probably. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Uh, you wanna hear more of -
Sean: (interjects) "You offer the Buster's brand?"
Maddox: Bust-...?
Sean: You have, like, Buster's? You know...
Maddox: Buster's tampons?
Sean: Homegrown tampons?
Maddox: Garbage!
Dick: Yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: I don't want Chuck's or Larry's tampons either.
Sean: Okay.
Maddox: What's that, Dick?
Dick: You wanna hear more of...who...what was the name of our stupid correspondent for E3 that's not Asterios Kokkinos?
Maddox: It's my buddy Tom Phillips!!
Dick: Tom Phillips, right.
Maddox: From http://gameobliterator.biz! Come on, Dick. [Dick plays next Tom Phillips E3 bit]
(techno beat in background)
"Tom Phillips": Thanks Dick & Maddox. I'm Tom Phillips, junior editor at GameObliterator.biz, and here's the latest video game scoops on E3's hottest indie titles.
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
"Tom Phillips": Capcom North-North-SouthEast announces "Street Mediator II." Sit down around the community garden and just hash out all this street fighting already. C'mon, M. Bison, wouldn't you rather launch a flaming human torpedo...of mutual respect? (Maddox laughs) E. Honda, trade that hundred hand slap...for a hundred high fives! Help Ryu turn that haaduken into a haadu-i-can...forgive my enemies and myself. (Maddox laughs more) Coming soon to the Playstation 4 -- oh no, no it's canceled. It's already canceled.
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
[bit ends]
Maddox: (still laughing) Tom Phillips!
Dick: Maybe you should play Matt Bahr at that. Street Mediator. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Street Mediator?
Dick: Instead of Street Fighter.
Maddox: Yeah, he'll probably cheat at that too. (Dick laughs) [Dick plays next Tom Phillips E3 bit]
(techno beat in background)
"Tom Phillips": CD Projekt Red delivers again with "The Witcher 4: It's Just Sex Scenes This Time." (Dick and Maddox laugh) The controls are simple: every time you press B, Geralt has sex with another hot elf, princess, centaur, or manticore. It's not out 'till next year, but it's somehow already sold over 600 million copies. Could a sequel be far behind? No, it's not: stay tuned for "The Witcher 5," the first game ever to come with lube.
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
[bit ends]
Dick: Is that game really that full of sex? The Witcher?
Maddox: The Witcher? Uh, there's a bunch of sex scenes in it, yeah.
Dick: Should I get it?
Maddox: I mean, you can do it to a prostitute. Hm?
Dick: You go to a prostitute in the game?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: There are a lot of really funny Witcher 3 clips online of the game glitching during the sex scenes, (Dick cackles) so the processor -
Dick: (interjects) Why would they put sex scenes in a game??
Maddox: It's stupid.
Dick: Stupid. (laughing)
Maddox: Just a bunch of...'cause the kids who are buying...the people who are buying this are in their, like, late 30s. That's the demographic for these video games, and they're not sitting there jerking off to video games like we would when we were 16 maybe.
Dick: Yeah, and like, I don't wanna see a bunch of Legos having sex. Like, it doesn't look real.
Maddox: I mean, eh...it's better than your imagination. (laughs)
Dick: It's definitely not. I would rather just read, like, a box that popped up and says like, "And then they banged."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Instead of seeing a bunch of polygons rubbing -
Sean: (interjects) What if the Lego woman was pregnant? (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Sean! (annoyed) More... (buzzer sound effect) (Sean laughs) Fuck you, Sean. (quietly) (Sean still laughing)
Dick: Let's see here... (smiling) Here's the last one. [plays next Tom Phillips E3 bit]
(techno beat in background)
"Tom Phillips": Fans at E3 thrilled to the all new Steam exclusive, "Turns Out, YOU'RE The Nazis!" (Maddox and Sean laugh) The whole time you're playing the game you think you're the good guys, but it turns out you're the Nazis. You hear that small explosion? That's your mind being blown. See Dad, video games can be art. The game makes great use of the Wii-mote for the stage where you break down crying in the shower. Four stars, out of like a hundred stars.
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
[bit ends]
Dick: Ha! There you go.
Maddox: I love that guy, uh, Cocon-...I mean, Tom.
Dick: Tom Phillips is his name?
Maddox: Tom Phillips, yeah. Mhm.
Dick: I do like the sound...I do like it when he's not shouting.
Maddox: Yeah, not Coconuts.
Dick: Alright. We got time for my problem?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Jeeesus Christ. (Sean laughs in the background) We're already at a minute-10?
Maddox: An hour-10.
Dick: An hour-10, excuse me.
Sean: (interjects) Well, Maddox had to pontificate for a while on his...
Maddox: Ohhh.
Dick: You did go on.
Maddox: Oh, I'm sorry. (sarcastic)
Dick: That was a long problem.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: I just wanna hear more about what you specifically think about kids who are anti-intellectuals. Like, the racism thing was a big leap for me. I know there is a trend of anti-intellectualism...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...and I'm on board with it, because I see intellectuals as that asshole with the Lamborghini who's also saying "look at all these books that I have."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But I wanted to hear what you think about, like, KIDS being anti-intellectual, 'cause I'll tell you another type of anti-intellectualism...
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: ...that's rampant: people being proud of their ignorance about sports.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, every time you hear "sportsball," it's like, "Oh, congratulations, you smug asshole. You're so learned and smart. You're so busy thinking about how to solve all the world's problems on the Internet that you can't even learn how to say 'football.'"
Maddox: Yeah, I'm -
Dick: (interjects) "Good for you. You're SO fuckin' smart."
Maddox: I'll give you that. I'll give you that, Dick. That is annoying. I used to be one of those guys! I used to, uh, I used to shit on football a lot. I'd call it "sportsball" and joke around. You know, I don't respect it, but I do respect certain aspects of sports, which is the amount of thought that goes into the strategy that they employ...
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: ...for different plays, and also the business of it. The business model is brilliant! They are making...it is the most lucrative pastime, I think, in this country, right? Sports. Or in the world!
Dick: I mean, I...I don't know. How do you define "pastime"? Probably aviation might be a bigger lucrative pastime.
Maddox: Well, something that people just do recreationally. Sports, right.
Dick: Mhm, yeah.
Maddox: There is no...
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: I mean, other than the players who are doing it for their jobs.
Dick: What about the training? You don't respect that at all? The amount of training that these athletes put themselves through?
Maddox: Uh, to an extent, because they do select people who are genetically predisposed. Like in basketball, they select the tallest people in the world. By the way, I heard this, I think, on either This American Life or Radiolab. They talked about how people who are above 6' 5" in society -- 6 foot 5 inches...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...are so rare, and 17% of them in the WORLD are in the NBA.
Dick: Huh!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's interesting.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: So if you're born over 6' 5", you've got a 1 in 5 chance of being a professional basketball player?
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, basically.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, but see, you say that they're genetically predisposed to sports, but people who are intellectual are genetically predisposed to reading books and...
Maddox: Well...
Dick: ...soaking in information. Like that broad in the video you played, she doesn't get anything out of a book when she reads it. It's just words that are bouncing off of her stupid brain. You know?
Maddox: I disagree. I think -
Dick: (interjects) She'd have to work INCREDIBLY hard to understand how stupid she is to not know immediately that the answer of "If you're going 80 miles per hour, how long does it take you to go 80 miles? An hour." She'd have to work very hard to understand that, whereas you wouldn't. Genetically.
Maddox: I don't know that genetics have to do with it, Dick. I remember in 3rd grade I hated reading books, and that was the turning point for me, when...in 3rd grade my teacher instilled a love of reading in me because she forced us to read so many books, and eventually I read one or two that I liked and I thought, "Okay, this is...I get it."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "This is kinda cool." So maybe it's a matter of parents not really tamping down on their kids and ask-...and forcing them to do what they need to do in school.
Dick: Alright. I'm gonna save my problem for next week, 'cause it's huge.
Maddox: Hoooh, boy! One problem... (laughs)
Dick: I'll bring in another problem. Um, the free water glasses! You know? You go to a fast food place...
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: ...and you ask for water...
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: ...and they say, "Oh, do you want bottled water?" and you say, "Yeah, but I don't wanna pay for the bottle of water. I want you to shove it up your ass."
Maddox: H'okay. (chuckling)
Dick: "Because it's just overcharged tap water."
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: "Er, it's overpriced tap water..."
Maddox: It is.
Dick: "...so give me a glass so, like a human, I can go drink some free water because you get it for free."
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Right? To the re-...and they give you this shitty little clear plastic glass.
Maddox: Yeah. Mhm. The cup of shame!
Dick: It's a shame cup.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And they say, "Here you go, sir. Here's your thimble. Here's your plastic thimble that will disintegrate if you use...if you touch it wrong."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "If you have a tighter grasp than, like, a baby infant, than a baby child, it will destroy itself. Here. To your heart's content, go get 2 ounces of water..."
Maddox: Mhm!
Dick: "...with this glass, because you wouldn't pay $1.50 for a grown-up glass."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Right?
Maddox: It's almost as if they are annoyed by your request, so they're going to annoy YOU with their cup.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: And you know what the -
Dick: (interjects) And...go ahead.
Maddox: You know what another problem is with those cups? They dissolve! I like to put lemon in my water, and if I...sometimes I'll squeeze the lemon and I'll notice there'll be some lemon juice on my hands.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: So I'm carrying the cup from my...from the time it takes to take it from the drink fountain to my seat, and I put it down and it sticks to my hand! The cup is sticking because the acid in the lemon -
Dick: (interjects) I didn't know that. It leaks through?
Maddox: Yeah, the acid in the lemon dissolves it! So I'm drinking the fuckin' plastic or whatever the shit is.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: These toxic chemicals I'm ingesting because I put -
Dick: (interjects) Which are also feminizing chemicals!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Anything that's hard plastic. Is it hard plastic or soft plastic?
Maddox: I think it's soft plastic.
Dick: Yeah. It's got chemicals in it that fuck up your DNA so you're more, uh, chick-like.
Maddox: Yeah! They talked about that...I think that was the premise of the movie Children of Men.
Dick: Oh, really?
Maddox: Yeah! So in Children of Men, they didn't really talk about the explanation of why people stopped having kids. It's a great movie, by the way. Go watch it if you haven't, this movie called "Children of Men." Suddenly all the people...all the women in the world stopped having kids because men started becoming sterile and they couldn't figure out why, but the genesis of that explanation, the science behind it, is that over time the more estrogen and things that we don't filter out of our water supplies -- because there are so many pharmaceuticals in our water supplies that we're not filtering -- they have a cumulative effect on men, and then it hits a tipping point where men become sterile, so that was the premise of that movie.
Dick: BPAs, man.
Maddox: BPA, yeah.
Dick: So you get this melting glass, 'cause God forbid you should take a lemon.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Right? Over to your table, and you swig it down in about 2 bites and then you gotta walk over and get more wa-...just give me a regular glass. What is the purpose of the clear glass? Don't say it's about cost, because you have to make an entirely separate type of glass just for water. Just give me the ones that you have. There's no way you could save money by making a separate shitty glass. You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Just use the ones you already have! Is it clear because you think I'm gonna steal some of your precious Coke?
Maddox: Ohh, that's what it is!
Dick: And you wanna see and make sure I'm not...?
Maddox: Uh-huh!
Dick: If you see me filling this up with Coke, there's gonna be two options. Option A: I'm sober, in which case you're gonna have a big fucking problem on your hand, 'cause I like to argue when I'm sober.
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: And I'm not gonna be told I can't drink soda out of a soda fountain just because the glass is clear.
Maddox: I can tell you were sober during my problem today. (both laugh)
Dick: What, you think I argued too much about that one??
Maddox: No no, I'm just bustin' your balls.
Dick: Option 2: I'm drunk!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And I got a glass and decided I wanted some soda and put it in there. There's gonna be...if that's a problem, you've got a way b-...if there's gonna be a confrontation over getting 2 ounces of soda, you've got a WAY bigger problem on your hand. You've suddenly got a way bigger problem on your hand.
Maddox: And then some restaurants put up those threatening signs around everywhere too where they threaten you with a fee, a penalty, if they catch you putting soda in your water cup. Guys, it's less than a penny worth of fucking syrup!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Shut up! Like, some people...if one person buys a drink -- the person behind me in line buys a drink or the person in front of me -- he's paid for the next 10 people. Shut up!! Who cares?! It's fucking syrup! It's sugar! I'll bring a fuckin' packet of sugar and throw it in your face. There you go!
Dick: Just give me a real glass.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I don't want this...you get this little glass, you put it in your car...
Maddox: Mhm.
Dick: ...you put it...you TRY to put it in the cupholder; immediately spills everywhere.
Maddox: No lids! No lids for those.
Dick: So that's my problem this week.
Maddox: I think you touched on it, Dick. (Dick laughs) I think it's so they don't... (cracks up) So they don't -
Dick: (interjects) It's so they can see what you're doing, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like bus windows, how people say that bus windows are gigantic so cops can spy on minorities, which sounds...which is stupid to me, but...
Maddox: What?! Who said that?
Dick: Idiots. Like, activist idiots.
Maddox: Dylann Roof? (laughs)
Dick: No, they say...you've never heard this?
Maddox: No.
Dick: People say that the windows on buses are so big so, like, poor people aren't...people who have to ride buses who are, you know, more...usually lower-income.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So cops can see what they're doing.
Maddox: Huh!
Dick: That's like... (chuckling) Maybe it's just because it's a nicer environment to let the sunlight in.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So it doesn't feel like an apocalypse bus.
Maddox: And maybe it's because sometimes you spend up to 2 or 3 hours on a bus and you get depressed if you don't sit next to a giant window.
Dick: Yeah, or maybe if there's a bus crash it's easier to get people out of gigantic fucking windows that can be popped out easily than, like, cutting through steel.
Maddox: Or maybe it's because those giant windows let more air in when you open them. Maybe there's a bunch of different rational explanations other than your stupid racist theory, you non-bus-riding fuck.
Dick: Yeah, it's crazy.
Sean: Yeah, there's some newer buses with really dark tinted windows. They're really hard to see in from the outside.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: But it's probably cooler inside, so it is about the passengers' comfort.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Those are safer -
Sean: (interjects) Not necessarily the...
Maddox: Those are those new, uh, safe minority buses, Sean. (Sean laughs)
Dick: Oh, minorities aren't allowed on them?
Sean: Minority-friendly buses? (smiling)
Maddox: No, they're minority-friendly.
Sean: No, so the cops can't see 'em.
Maddox: There's...yeah, so the cops can't see 'em. Uh-huh.
Dick: Oh, they're crime buses.
Maddox: They're crime... (cracks up) They're crime buses.
Dick: A lot of gambling...illegal gambling's going on, and...
Maddox: Oh, yeah. (smiling)
Dick: ...cockfighting.
Maddox: (chuckles) Illegal horse bets. (both laugh) Well, good problem, Dick! (laughs more)
Dick: Yeah, there you go. Hour-20 already, man.
Maddox: Dude, did we get any, uh...? We didn't even do any voicemail or anything this time.
Dick: I'll play you some voicemails.
Maddox: So Dick, my problem this week (Dick giggles) was Anti-Intellectualism. (closing riff starts)
Dick: My problem's Free Water Cups.
Maddox: Free Water... (laughs) Free Water Cups. Thanks for listening, guys.
Dick: See you next Tuesday.
(theme riff)
--------------------
Voicemail (male caller): Hi Maddox, hi Dick. This is Conor calling in from Germany. Just lettin' you know, love the show and think that this podcast should definitely be on (inaudible) list. And also, along with spicy food and attractive women, keepin' a well-kempt beard is very important to me. So the fact that I'm so fucking close I could fuckin' hop the fence and steal the razor blades makes it that much more annoying that Harry's doesn't ship to Germany. Just fuckin' hand it out the back door to me!
Maddox: Wooow.
Voicemail: So for once, Harry's, not Dick, go fuck yourself. Bye guys.
Dick: Ohhh, no way.
Maddox: Ohhhh, Harry's doesn't ship to Germany!
Voicemail: Please tell Sean not to delete this.
[message ends]
Maddox: That's 'cause they don't even need to ship! You could probably just walk into the factory!
Dick: Yeah, that's on you, idiot. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: Did he just say "Sean, don't delete this"?
Dick: Yeah, he did.
Sean: Oh, fuck. (irritated)
Dick: Uh, let's see. I got a bunch of presidents.
Maddox: Alright, let's hear. (laughing)
Dick: Hilarious. (sarcastic) (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Let's hear a new president. [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): (loud, droning voice) Hello Dick, this is former -
Dick: [pauses message] Oh wait, guess who that is first. Let's see how good these impressions are.
Maddox: Alright! Alright.
Sean: It's Kennedy.
Maddox: Uh, I'm gonna guess it's a Bush.
Dick: No. (laughing)
Maddox: So who is it? [Dick resumes message]
Voicemail: - president John F. Kennedy.
Maddox: Oh! (laughs)
Voicemail: I currently am in the grave, but I'm calling you from beyond it to let you know that I might have a hole in my head, but you can go fuck yourself. (Maddox chuckles)
Dick: Yeah. Great. (annoyed)
Voicemail: I am John F. Kennedy, and this is how I talk. (Maddox laughs)
[message ends]
Dick: Perfect.
Maddox: Sounds like it! Well, from, uh, from beyond. [Dick plays next message, a clean-sounding recording]
Male voice: Hello gents. This is former US president Theodore Roosevelt.
Maddox: Okay. (amused)
Male voice: Known for speaking softly and carrying a... (zipper sound effect) ...big stick.
Maddox: Ohh, boy. (uneasily)
Dick: That's... (laughing)
Male voice: I'd like to take this opportunity to talk with you...
Dick: Very scatological, these presidents. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah.
Male voice: ...about a problem from the last episode. You see, boys, it's in the opinion of this Rough Rider that if you're going to center a problem around one word, you should learn to correctly pronounce that word.
Dick: [cuts off message] Oh, fuck OFF!
Maddox: Ohh, boy.
Dick: No, I don't care. I don't care. (angrily)
Maddox: Well, what word was it? What was he talkin' about? (Dick sighs and groans)
Dick: Ughhh! Here. [resumes message]
Maddox: Oh, the...teleology.
Male voice: So it's without further ado that I present to you the word "teleology."
Maddox: Yup.
Dick: Yeah. (sullen) Google fucked me!
Male voice: "Teleology." (brief pause) "Teleology."
Dick: [cuts off message] Okay, three's enough. (Maddox laughs) Three strikes and you're out, asshole.
Maddox: Ahhh. (smiling) Which president was that? Teddy Roosevelt, huh?
Dick: That was Teddy Roosevelt.
Maddox: Huh!
Dick: This guy's pickin' on the way you talk.
Maddox: Okay. [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, do you know, you say "man" more than anyone I know, I guess...or, uh, can name. And what's interesting is that I'm a musician. Do you understand? Like, the people I know say "man" like a lot, and most of them are stoned as shit half the time. You say "man" more than ALL of those people.
Dick: Is that true?
Voicemail: So, uh...
Maddox: Yeah. (shrugging)
Voicemail: ...(unintelligible)...or some...I dunno. Anyway, fuck off.
[message ends]
Maddox: That's my favorite word, favorite gender, baby! (Dick laughs) Never gonna stop sayin' "man"!
Dick: Oh, I got a Street Fighter callout too.
Maddox: Oh great, more fuckin' Street Fighter rookies! (annoyed) Don't know shit about Street Fighter. [Dick plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Man, I fucked up that last voicemail.
Dick: He did.
Voicemail: What I'm proposing is that Maddox, if you lose at Street Fighter, that you watch Titanic and give everybody proof that you watched it, and also let that guy on the, uh, show to propose a problem. And then if you win, I'm interested as a listener to hear what the stakes are. Like, what do you want to win? Um... (Maddox belches) So...yeah, talk about that.
[message ends]
Dick: What do you wanna win if you beat this guy? That's a good point! There's gotta be some stakes.
Maddox: Hmm. You mean actual stakes?
Dick: Yeah, of course. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Uh, I don't know. I'd have to think about what I want to win. Maybe...maybe nothing. Maybe the satisfaction of winning is all I need.
Dick: Oh, like Ryu?
Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)
Dick: You're no Ryu. What do you really want to win? You... (cracks up)
Maddox: You know what? Uh, I get a night with the, uh, the loser's girlfriend. (both laugh loudly)
Dick: Ohohohoooo!
Maddox: Yeeeah!
Dick: Ohohoho, that's a good prize! (grinning)
Maddox: How's that for stakes?
Sean: What if he's gay?
Maddox: Well, I get a night with his boyfriend. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah! Same...same thing! Uh, that guy did remind me though, I forgot to play Titanic last week and I almost forgot it again, so here you go, Maddox! Enjoy. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Oh, fuck!! This is BULLSHIT! (Dick laughs) [Dick plays next 30 seconds of Titanic]
(Bill Paxton talking on TV in movie's background)
Dick: Remember this old lady?
Maddox: No! (annoyed)
(Bill Paxton: ...the secrets locked deep inside the hull of Titanic.)
Maddox: I've never seen that old lady! I don't know what this...
(Bill Paxton: We're out here using robot technology...)
Maddox: ...what you're referring to.
(Bill Paxton: ...to go further into the wreck than anybody has ever done before.)
Maddox: James Cameron's such a tool.
(Fake female reporter: Your organization is at the center of a storm of...)
Maddox: Terminator -
Dick: (interjects) She's about to fall down!
Maddox: The Terminator movies are...weak.
Dick: You know, watching Titanic in 30-second increments has...uh, taught me a lot about how he makes these films, too.
Maddox: Yeah. (dryly)
Dick: Like, there is a hot...this hot chick leads every scene with this old lady. Like, every 30 seconds, they cram this hot chick with her in.
(Bill Paxton: ...a piece of paper that's been underwater for 84 years...)
Maddox: Well, he has to, man!
(Bill Paxton: ...and my team were able to preserve it intact.)
(dreamy-sounding music)
Dick: See that?
Maddox: Such bullshit.
Dick: Look, she's about to see tits! THERE'S TITS RIGHT THERE! Look at that!! Look at that.
Maddox: I'm not!!
Dick: There is for-real tits!
Maddox: NO.
(Old lady: I'll be god damned!)
Maddox: They're not real ti-... [Titanic clip ends] This is bullshit!
Dick: You got a swearing old lady! You never -
Maddox: (interjects) I glance at the screen...you tricked me into glancing at the screen and it was a SKETCH of tits. (angrily)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: It doesn't count. (Dick cackles)
Dick: Ha-haaah, you watched it! You can't un-watch it.
Maddox: I got better tits on my notes right here. I drew...oh man, I drew such a good tit right now.
Dick: Alright, let's end on some more of Tom Phillips' bits.
Maddox: Yeah, my buddy Tom! [Dick plays next few Tom Phillips E3 bits]
(techno beat in background)
"Tom Phillips": Coming to Steam, we've got Religious Argument Simulator II. All the fun of Thanksgiving with your family in a mobile game. (Maddox and Sean laugh) It's got five new playable characters, including your cousin who won't shut up about atheism, your weird aunt who says she's always praying for you, and your dad who just wants to eat some goddamn turkey, can we please say the stupid prayers? It's not fun, don't play it. (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly)
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
(techno beat comes back in)
"Tom Phillips": Tablets gets a new sim with Rollercoaster Maintenance & Safety Inspection Tycoon. Visit real rollercoasters from across the US and make sure that the employees who service them are accredited. You don't get to build or ride rollercoasters, but you do get to ensure that their restraining bars are up to code. (Maddox chuckles) No matter how well you do your theme park goes out of business, because people really can’t afford theme parks anymore. It's sad.
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
(techno beat comes back in)
"Tom Phillips": E3 was buzzing about the upcoming PS4 action title, Escape From The Friend Zone. (Maddox laughs) Nice Guy Terry's always there for his female friends. From picking them up at the airport to listening to them complain about their boyfriends, there's no inconvenience Terry won't endure for all these girls who see him as a weird fat doormat. (everyone laughs) Can you send enough drunk texts to escape the friend zone? Probably not. (Dick cackles loudly) Find out December 13th.
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
[bits end]
Dick: "Can you send enough drunk texts?" (laughing)
Maddox: Oh man, I remember those games at E3!
Dick: All the...oh yeah?
Maddox: All those games, yeah! They're awful. [Dick plays Tom Phillips E3 roundup outro]
(techno beat in background)
"Tom Phillips": Well, that's it for my E3 roundup. This is Tom Phillips saying video games can go...and you can buy them, because they’re great! (Maddox laughs) They're great. And Dick, you can go fuck yourself.
(explosion sound effect)
(Deep voice with reverb: Indie Game Roundup!)
[outro ends]
Maddox: Ohh man, I love Asterios...I mean Tom.