The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 53

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

(Theme riff in background)

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by our own bonus episode!

[montage of clips from Bonus Episode 7 plays]

Maddox: Everybody is dumb compared to me.


Maddox: I got a comment from Chael Greer...whatever. Why don't you guys get simpler names?? (Dick giggles) Huh? "Chael"? How the fuck...


Dick: 'Cause you value pride above anything else. (Maddox and Sean laugh) That's why! You value pride above time, friendships, relationships, people's health, your own health...

Maddox: Yeah!

Sean: Look out, you're pullin' his covers! (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeeeah.


Maddox: Yeah, they had milk privilege.

Dick: Okay.

Sean: Were those the 2 percenters? (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly)

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) (rimshot sound effect)


Dick: You know why I have that book? 'Cause I'm gay.


Dick: He's like the black Orville Redenbacher.

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)


Dick: I learned it in Rush Hour 2.

Maddox: Oh, great. I bet you did.


Maddox: That's what you are. You're're a douchebag enabler! Go to Portland, go to any coffee shop. There's another fuckin' handlebar moustache dipshit in his jorts! (Dick laughs) His pulled-up jorts and his loafers with no fuckin' socks on!


Dick: This is the wrong show! This is the Solutions show!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: All of these are problems!

Sean: Talk about a 180.


Maddox: Sorry I blew your fuckin' minds. (Dick giggles) I'm sorry I'm so smart. Everyone's dumb compared to me.

[montage ends]

Dick: Now available at

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. And with us today is our very good friend and comedian, Ron Babcock!

Ron: Hey guys.

Dick: Hello, Ron. (smiling)

Ron: Hello!

Maddox: Welcome to the show, Ron. We know Ron through the comedy scene in Los Angeles. Very funny guy.

Dick: Oh, you sound like such a douchebag when you put it like that. (Ron chuckles)

Maddox: I know. Yeah, I didn't wanna say...I don't know -

Ron: (interjects) I do hang out in the scene! (Dick laughs) I am a comedy scene guy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I guess. What else would you call it though?

Dick: I have seen Ron play...I think the funniest thing I've seen you do is play Jefferson Davis.

Ron: Oh yeah, for the Tournament of Nerds?

Dick: In an arguing contest, yeah.

Ron: You know what I found out? That was for the...when the Veep...the cast of Veep was judging that show?

Dick: Yes.

Ron: And Joe Starr was helpin' me out, and they said that they wanted to give us the win but they didn't want it to get out that the cast of Veep voted for Jefferson Davis.

Dick: Ohhh.

Ron: You know, 'cause he was the president of the Confederacy? So they were like, "Yeah, so we didn't give you the win." And I'm like, "Meh, that's kinda better."

Dick: That sucks.

Ron: Yeah.

Dick: It was that you had had a leaf blower...

Ron: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...and toilet paper on a stick, toilet paper rolls on a stick.

Ron: On like a plunger, and then we came out to Kid Rock' know that "Bawitdaba"?

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: And my friend Joe was dressed behind me as a juggalo holding a Confederate flag that said "redneck" on it, and we just kinda sprayed that. So the whole thing was like, you know, Jefferson Davis is just this piece of...he was actually an awful president too for the Confederacy. He was TERRIBLE.

Dick: Well, but he was...he supported states' rights.

Ron: Yeah, states' rights! That was the whole argument, states' rights.

Maddox: Alright, here we go. What is this? (Dick laughs) Sean, what's this a record for the libertarian agenda? (giggles)

Dick: The ingenuity of the toilet paper cannon is great. (Ron laughs) I was like, "That's amazing! That should be a lifehack! This should be on the Internet!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: You turn on the leafblower, the toilet paper goes crazy.

Maddox: Yeah, that's a real lifehack. Real useful. (Ron snickers)

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: "Oh man, I can't get this toilet paper off this roll fast enough."

Dick: Already in a bad mood. (grinning)

Maddox: No! I'm happy, I'm super happy. In fact, let's go over the voting from last episode, Dick. (menacingly) (Dick laughs)

Ron: Ooo!

Maddox: #1 problem from last week was Armchair Economists! (clapping sound effect) Yeah, that's right!

Dick: Oh my god. (under his breath)

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Smart. Brilliant. GENIUS. Maddox.

Dick: Ron, do you know what we do on this show?

Ron: Yes, uh...and by that I mean no. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Okay, so we bring in...we bring in problems...

Ron: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...and we try to present our case as to why it's the biggest problem in the universe.

Ron: Okay.

Dick: But every once in a while...Maddox did something interesting last week. He brought in a problem, and then he WAS that problem as hard as he possibly could be. (Maddox laughs) He brought Armchair Economists last week, and then proceeded to be an armchair economist for half an hour so bad and so hard that a doctorate...a doctorate of, uh, economy...I don't know.

Maddox: Oo! (sarcastic)

Dick: What is... (cracks up) What is he?

Maddox: Oh, this sounds like somebody I will respect! Even though I...I basically spent the entire hour shitting on economists, how they're basically just glorified clairvoyants. What did this, uh, what did this -

Dick: (interjects) After taking one college course in economics.

Maddox: Yeah, and what did this psychic say?

Dick: A PROFESSOR of economics...

Maddox: Uh-huh?

Dick: ...took time out of his very busy and...

Maddox: Yeah. (dryly)

Dick: This is a learned man who has a PhD!

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Not a Ph-Nothing like you!

Maddox: A Ph-

Dick: (interjects) A PhD in economics.

Maddox: Yeah? Does it stand for... (laughs)

Dick: He took time out of his day to write a 3-page response to your asinine comments about armchair economics.

Maddox: Why didn't I see it? Where...where is it?? Why didn't I see it?

Dick: Well, I brought it in.

Maddox: Great!

Dick: I'm gonna read you...I'm gonna read you passages from it if you want.

Maddox: So Ron, let me get you up to speed and anyone who hasn't listened to the last episode yet, which was probably one of our best ever. It's one of my personal favorites. Um...the premise of the problem I brought in, Armchair Economists, was because someone called me out for this thing called the broken window fallacy, (Dick sighs) which is basically...if you break a window, it's not a good thing because the argument is made that it could stimulate the economy, right?

Ron: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So people say, "Well..." (Dick scoffs and laughs) " have to replace the window, so that money that you would spend on replacing the broken window could be spent on something else that you're now not spending it on, so therefore it's a's a null contribution to the economy." That's the entire fallacy.

Dick: Ron, lemme ask you this. Broken window: bad or good?

Ron: Uh, I'd say it's bad.

Dick: Yeah, there we go.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah -

Dick: (interjects) There we go, more qualified than you. (laughs)

Maddox: And yet, AND YET, I just wanna make this point. You know what's ironic is that very same episode we got a package from our good fan Butt Sanchez where we had literally broken bottles in it, which made for a way better episode, added a significant amount of value to this show's lore, and that we will be talking about forever! Dick, you yourself said it couldn't have turned out better.

Dick: Yeah, you're right. (amused)

Maddox: Yeah!! So there you go! Our own fuckin' episode disproved the fuckin' bullshit-ass theory.

Ron: And so...and his name was Butt Sanchez?

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, we got a big fan. (laughs)

Dick: This guy...

Ron: That's awesome.

Dick: I mentor him in ways, in life ways.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And love ways.

Ron: My dad was a, um...a professor of economics at the University of Scranton in Scranton, Pennsylvania.

Dick: That's true?!

Ron: He was also associate dean of the school of management there, which is nationally recognized. So just on a matter of principle and in honor of my father who, yes, has passed away, I'd like to be against Maddox's argument. (Dick, Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: What an unfair horseshit argument. (Ron snickers) And I'm sorry for your loss. (laughs)

Dick: Well, here's another... (cracks up) Here's another professor of economics who supports you. He says, "Dick and Maddox, love the show. I'm a recent PhD in economics and I'm starting as a professor at Northern Illinois University in August. I heard Maddox's TERRIBLE..." (laughs with Ron)

Maddox: Why did you...why did you emphasize that? Was that in quotes?

Dick: Uh... (stammers)

Maddox: Was he being sarcastic?

Dick: I, no. (Maddox laughs) That's just what it says. "...TERRIBLE attempt at trying to justify the broken window fallacy and I couldn't resist sending this." That's how it starts.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: 3 pages long. I'm not gonna...I'm not gonna read all of it. We -

Ron: (interjects) Dude, he worked on, that was his whole morning was composing this email.

Dick: So, I think we have to post it!

Ron: Oh, yeah!

Dick: Like, this is a...this is a white paper!

Maddox: I'm happy to see it! I'm happy to see it. Here's what I'm going to propose, okay? This is no joke. I want the biggest, baddest awesome economist out there who's listening to this show...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: That's professors included, okay?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: If you guys wanna nominate this professor to challenge me to a debate, I would love to have a fuckin' debate with this guy, specifically about the broken window fallacy because I don't know shit about economics.

Dick: Anything!

Maddox: I'm not an armchair econ-... (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah. (grinning)

Maddox: Shut the fuck up, Dick! (Dick laughs) My problem was voted high! Your bullshit Bicyclers problem? Downvoted into negative territory.

Ron: Wait, bicyclists in general?

Dick: Yeah! Bicyclers.

Maddox: BicyclERS is what you call them.

Dick: "Bicyclers."

Ron: Bicyclers.

Maddox: 'Cause he... (laughs)

Dick: I have a big problem with bicyclers.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're a pain in everybody's ass.

Ron: Oh, you mean just people -

Dick: (interjects) They're like the hemorrhoids of traffic.

Ron: So just any dude on his bike, you're not into it?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Big problem.

Ron: Oh god, I hate both these problems.

Maddox: What a stupid asshole. (Dick scoffs)

Dick: Well...

Maddox: Okay. Ron, this is no joke. When I was taking the advanced math portion of the GRE test, some kid walked into our testing room and he said, "Is this, uh, is this econ advanced study?" and we're like, "No, it's the room next door." And after he left someone blurted out...he's like, "Economics? Is there a wrong answer?" and everybody busted up laughing. It's like the butt of jokes in the mathematics field.

Dick: Is that a math joke?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, wow. (laughs with Maddox)

Ron: Dude, super...super hilarious. (Dick and Maddox laugh harder)

Maddox: Hey, we're math majors!

Dick: Asymptotically approaches "not funny."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is the limit of -

Ron: (interjects) That joke has such a common denominator. (everyone laughs)

Maddox: Ron, you fucking...that's not even nerdy! That's just, like...

Dick: Dr. Holt, the doctor of economics, goes -

Maddox: (interjects) This is the guy?

Dick: Yeah. Goes on to say...

Maddox: Great!

Dick: ..."First of all, I should point out that these clunky regression models Maddox criticizes are exactly the same clunky regression models he used to justify the lack of a gender wage gap in last month's video."

Maddox: No, that's not true.

Dick: Well, that's what the doctor says! Who...are you -

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, actually...actually, hold on, hold on, hold on.

Dick: Actually yes? (smiles)

Maddox: No no, uh, specifically one of the studies I referenced did do a regression model to figure out the wage gap. That was the American Association of University Women, not the Bureau of Labor Statistics study.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This...I'm gonna skip to the most important part, 'cause we're already runnin' late.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Dick accurately summed up the broken window fallacy by stating PRECISELY what Bastiat meant when first stating it. We see the effects of the broken window on the shopkeeper's wallet, but what we do not see is the money that would have been spent elsewhere." Precisely!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I precisely stated something that a respected economist said!

Maddox: You precisely -

Dick: (interjects) Off the top of my head!!

Maddox: No, you didn't.

Dick: I'm like a prodigy of economics over here.

Maddox: You simply cited the fallacy word for word. You just repeated yourself, which is what every single person who's been arguing with me has done. They have not addressed my arguments.

Dick: What -

Maddox: (interjects) Let me ask you this, Dick.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Let's say... (Dick laughs) Let's say this is not a hypothetical situation.

Dick: Everyone hates this conversation, by the way.

Maddox: I know.

Dick: We got so much hate mail about the economics problem.

Maddox: Just real quick! Just real quick.

Ron: No man, this is so awesome. I love it. (chuckling)

Maddox: I have two things I wanna say, okay? Two quick little examples.

Dick: One is "I'm sorry." (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: I'm NOT.

Ron: And the other is "I'm wrong." (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Okay Ron, I'm editing these episodes. I'm gonna use that out of context, you better believe it. Um, so here's... (everyone laughs) Here's the thing: there's, um, there's a...let's say there's a 3D modeler, somebody who models...does 3D modeling on their computer, right?

Dick: Nerd.

Maddox: That's something that requires a lot of rendering and computational power, right?

Ron: Yeah.

Maddox: So if your computer is, say, 5 years old -- which mine has been in many instances in my life, 5 or 10 years old -- and that computer is insured under renter's insurance, which covers computers, DVDs, power tools, et cetera, that computer gets destroyed and you replace it for the cost of value. Right? That, uh, the cost of the purchase? Then you buy a modern-day computer that increases your efficiency.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: So your productivity has now increased, hasn't it?

Dick: Oh god, I got that sound in my brain. That "EEEEEEEEEH" sound, listening to this.

Maddox: Yeah. No rebuttal!

Ron: Despite the time you spent not having a computer.

Maddox: Well, that's trivial.

Dick: It's trivial. (grins)

Maddox: You could buy it the same day if you wanted to.

Dick: It's trivial to not have a computer, Ron.

Ron: I mean, yeah. I mean oh, apparently your insurance company's really good. They cut you that check pretty fast.

Dick: Yeah! (laughing) They never fuck with you at all.

Maddox: I mean, that's arbitrary. That's an arbitrary argument. You could say it's a day, you could say it's a week, you could say it's a month. Like, whatever. I mean whatever that time is, yeah, you're correct, you would deduct that from it, but it would depend on how quickly they returned it. But no rebuttal I'm hearing.

Dick: No, 'cause it''s stupid.

Maddox: Dick, if in the earthquake they built something, say like a power reactor that, uh, in place of some of the broken hovels and houses...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...that then generated funds in the future. Would you say that that's a positive benefit from the earthquake?

Dick: From the earthquake?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't know. What if two people met and fell in love because of the earthquake?

Maddox: No no, this -

Dick: (interjects) "Oh, sorry all the hundreds of thousands of people that died."

Maddox: This isn't a "what if." Like, what if they...I mean I'm asking you, if that actually happened would you say that's positive?

Dick: Would I say it's positive that they built a reactor?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just tell me what you wanna say! I don't know what...I don't know what the hell you're thinking.

Maddox: You won't answer. You don't give me a straight answer.

Dick: No, because building a reactor?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: You need power plants!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What do you mean, "it's good or bad"? You need them!

Maddox: Say -

Dick: (interjects) If you had a working one -

Ron: (interjects) You're basically making the same argument as Gary Oldman did in The Fifth Element.

Dick: Yep!

Ron: When the priest...he's talking to the head priest and he's like, "Chaos is good because you have to have all these little toys and these workers and these manufacturers to help clean up the chaos."

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: But what Gary Oldman didn't realize was that it was almost too much chaos. It would've brought, know, you could have a little bit of chaos and it was for economic activity, but too a huge earthquake that would dismantle all of our systems?

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: We wouldn't recover from that quick enough.

Dick: Hm, yeah.

Maddox: Interesting, yeah.

Dick: That's Jean-Baptiste Emanuel Zorg, bitch. What do you have to say about that?

Maddox: Yeah, well I have this case study from 1976.

Dick: Oh god, nooo! No! (laughing)

Maddox: The Tangshan earthquakes, dickhead. You know what happened? They rebuilt the entire city more modern, widened streets, greater property value, AND they built a power reactor that was the biggest power reactor in Northern China. And guess how they paid for it? This totally shits on your fuckin' fallacy because they didn't go into debt! They paid for it with future profits from the power reactor that they built, so fuck you!

Dick: Bro, it's Nepal.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: They're like the poorest country on Earth.

Maddox: Look, I -

Dick: (interjects) They don't have these options.

Maddox: Correct. I already ceded that the broken window fallacy is accurate in some instances.

Ron: Dude, this is gonna be so ironic when you die in an earthquake. (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: I may!

Dick: And he's gonna put his funeral on a credit card. (everyone except Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Why are you all laughing?

Dick: Maddox, a famed economist! (laughs more)

Ron: Oh, god. He's gonna crowdfund his own funeral costs.

Maddox: I'm your FRIEND. (Dick and Ron cackle) This isn't funny.

Dick: So you wanna argue, uh, an said you wanted to argue an economist, or you wanna debate a...bring the best one you've got.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: That's what you said.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's like Scrappy Doo challenging Mike Tyson to a boxing match.

Maddox: You realize, Dick Masterson, when you search for the broken window fallacy, there is an entire section on Wikipedia that just says...that's entirely criticisms, and there's a study in the Journal of Economic Inquiry, Volume 40, Issue 4 that specifically shits on this fallacy? You realize, like, this is not just me conjecturing here. This is actually other learned men, in use your parlance, (Dick scoffs) have shit on this fallacy as well.

Ron: I think what you're tryin' to say is that you can make the best out of a bad situation.

Maddox: Correct. Sometimes.

Ron: You know? BUT...

Maddox: Sometimes, yes.

Ron: ...sometimes, that's the thing.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: 'Cause not know, people, know, sometimes people spill some milk. Look at Haiti!

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: Look at Haiti.

Maddox: Yeah, Haiti's -

Ron: (interjects) I don't have anything else to say besides that, but look at Haiti.

Maddox: Haiti's a good example of this not working.

Dick: I got an, I got a voicemail for ya. [plays first voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Maddox, you sanctimonious piece of shit. (everyone laughs) I can't fucking believe that you sat on this fucking podcast and all you talked about was how good war was for the economy. It killed tens of millions of people!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Voicemail: How the fuck don't you understand that? (Maddox chuckles) "The economy is so great! Oh, war helped the economy!" What about the tens of millions of people who are FUCKING DEAD?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Eh, I don't know.

Voicemail: You fucking idiot!! (Maddox laughs) Fuck!

Maddox: Yeah, sometimes it's not all good.

Voicemail: That's it.

[message ends]

Maddox: Um... (everyone laughs) But in! I admit...I admit that.

Dick: Here, I got another one for ya.

Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Yeah Maddox, you forgot about the broken HYMEN fallacy, where we speculate that you go fuck yourself. (everyone laughs) But you can't because you're fucking free flowing outta your vagina. (Maddox guffaws)

[message ends]

Dick: Yeah. (amused) We got another one. [plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, I just wanted to let you know that the assumptions you used to criticize the broken window fallacy included some assumptions of your own.

Maddox: "Wuhhh..." (stupid voice)

Dick: Yeah.

Voicemail: Like money sitting in the bank is bad?

Maddox: "Uhhh..." (Dick giggles)

Voicemail: Money sitting in the bank reduces the cost of capital...

Maddox: "Reduces." (dopey)

Voicemail: ...and then people can invest in things like research and development.

Maddox: Yeah.

Voicemail: (coughs) (Maddox and Ron snicker) You also...assume that spending is inherently good for the economy.

Maddox: No.

Voicemail: If I give you 20 dollars to eat shit, (Maddox giggles) and you turn right around and give ME 20 dollars to eat shit, the economy grew by 40 dollars but we both ate shit for nothing. (Maddox and Ron laugh) And Dick, roads were built to accommodate -

Dick: [cuts off message] That's a good point!

Ron: Dude, that guy's great. (everyone laughs more)

Maddox: Why don't you put the joint down, dickhead? Next time you call into a professional, nationally...worldwide-syndicated radio broadcast. Er, podcast.

Dick: Alright.

Ron: You never put that joint down, man! (laughs with Maddox)

Dick: Scott Miller says, "Sanchez, you imbecile, do you know how many people you could have helped in Nepal if you sent them this barbecue sauce?" I don't know if he does or not.

Maddox: Probably close to zero. I got a comment from Zachary Jensen. He said, "Funny seeing Maddox get called anti-fun in the intro when Dick's problem is fucking Bachelor Parties."

Dick: Eh.

Maddox: That was from a couple episodes ago.

Dick: Oh, please. Oh, you're tryin' to turn this around on me now?

Maddox: You're anti-fun. (Dick scoffs and laughs) Yeah!

Dick: Okay, Starlord. (Maddox laughs) Whatever you say.

Maddox: I got another comment from Derek Hart. And you got called out on this a lot, Dick, in the comments, but he said, "Dick, a tight end does not run the ball often unless it is a trick play. On the goal line a hand off usually goes to the running back or full back." What, you...?

Dick: Here, I got a voicemail. I got a great voicemail on that one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause I...I try to bring in voicemails that shit on me...

Ron: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...but last week there was only two. (everyone laughs) 'Cause Maddox made such an ass of himself.

Maddox: Yeah. [Dick plays next voicemail message]

Voicemail (male caller): Yeah, I don't know what the "bags of sand" equivalent is for football, but hand it off to the tight end at the 1-yard line? You're a fuckin' idiot. (Dick and Maddox laugh)

[message ends]

Maddox: I'm so glad that people called you out on football, because I don't know shit about it.

Dick: No, well... (sighs) No, I knew I screwed it up as I listened back to it too. I was this guy, this fan...this fan packaged like 400 dollars worth of hot sauce -

Ron: (interjects) Was it Butt Sanchez?

Dick: Yes.

Ron: Okay.

Dick: Butt Sanchez packaged like 400 dollars worth of hot sauce and, um...and like, and toys and a statue of Ash from Army of Darkness.

Maddox: A limited edition out of 150 of them.

Ron: Whoa!

Maddox: And I saw one going on eBay right now, like today, goin' for 400 dollars.

Ron: Jeez.

Dick: Yeah. So he packaged all this stuff up for us as a present for our year anniversary, right?

Ron: Holy shit! Yeah, that's awesome!

Dick: And he's makin' a big deal out of it, but there was this whole thing...he didn't use any packing peanuts or anything. He put, like -

Ron: (interjects) He just put it in the box?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Basically.

Dick: Basically. So all the barbecue sauce -

Ron: (interjects) Does he not understand how things work? (Maddox laughs)

Dick: I don't think so.

Maddox: Well, that's why he's asking Dick for advice. Obviously not. (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: Augh.

Maddox: Which, by the way Ron, again ended up being way better for the show than had those broken...those bottles not broken, so fuck you again with your broken fallacy horseshit. (Dick laughs)

Dick: So, uh, I was trying to...I was trying to teach the lesson of "look, when you're at the 1-yard line, you carry it across."

Ron: Mhm.

Dick: Like, you put the packing peanuts in. You make sure you do everything. Don't get distracted, don't start celebrating early. Right?

Ron: Uh-huh.

Dick: That was my point. I stupidly said "you hand it off to the tight end" when you never -

Ron: (interjects) Ohh, what a fuckin' IDIOT.

Maddox: Idiot.

Dick: Right. Right, right.

Maddox: That's what the...that's what the Seahawks did in the last Super Bowl, right? And they fucked up!

Dick: Well, they threw it...they threw it to the tight end instead of just handing it off to Marshawn Lynch.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The running back.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But I got my metaphor all confused 'cause like, "Wait a minute, the quarterback's not gonna run it in."

Ron: Yeah, but I also feel like your listening audience is very understanding whenever you make a slight mistake.

Dick: I made a mistake.

Ron: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm saying I'm wrong.

Ron: Okay.

Dick: It's very easy.

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: Very easy to do.

Maddox: I don't...

Dick: Maddox, just saw that, right?

Maddox: I've never said those two words consecutively in my life. Um... (Ron laughs) Anyway, this guy just ends a comment with "ESPN reporting, I'm Dick Masterson. Dick Masterson, sports reporter." (laughs)

Dick: Mhm. Great. (chuckling)

Maddox: Um, I don't...yeah, you got another one?

Dick: Go ahead. Oh, I do have one!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh...I do have one, and this is a topic I really wanna talk about but it's gonna be...there's gonna be a lot of acrimony brought up when I bring this up.

Maddox: Ohhhh.

Dick: And there's gonna be a lot of...tempers are gonna flare, accusations are gonna fly...

Maddox: Ohh!

Dick: I'm gonna bring it up now, but I don't wanna talk about it in front of our guest.

Maddox: Hm.

Dick: I don't wanna talk about it while we have company.

Maddox: Okay. Let's keep this polite.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Like usual.

Ron: Right now I feel like the tone in the room is like when you go to your friend's house in middle school and his dad, like, hits his mom?

Maddox: Yep! (laughs with Dick)

Ron: Like, there's just this really weird energy right now and I'm not sure what to do.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Who's who? Who's the dad?

Ron: Um, I think we know who's who. (laughs with Dick)

Maddox: Don't fuck this up, Ron.

Dick: That's such a chickenshit answer!

Maddox: Yeah, fuckin' diplomacy.

Ron: You're obviously the woman, okay? (cracks up)

Dick: Lucas Lestrom...Lucas Lestrom says, "Didn't Sean say he'd bring a problem for the 52nd episode?" And he did! We did say that!

Sean: You're baiting me and I'm not going to do it. (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: Oooo.

Dick: Alright, we're gonna talk about it next week. (smiling)

Maddox: That's some 5 o'clock foreshadow. (laughs with Dick) I got a comment from Joseph Forsythe. He says, "Dick considers bicyclists a problem..." and in parentheses he says "(they aren't)"...

Dick: Okay. (chuckling)

Maddox: "...and says that they are more likely to get prostate cancer and health problems from pollution? Wouldn't that mean more bicyclists are likely to die from these problems, and thus there would be less of them?" And then he says, "It doesn't really matter anyway, because if you're sitting in a car, you're also increasing your chances of developing cancer." And then he posts a link to, where it says that women who sat for 6 or more hours daily faced a 37 percent greater risk of death as compared to those who sat for 3 hours or less, and for men the increased risk of death for those who sat at least 6 hours a day was 17 percent, and those who did not exercise regularly and also sat for long periods faced even greater mortality rates...

Dick: Dude.

Maddox: ...a startling 94 percent higher for women and 48 percent higher for men. Fuck you.

Dick: We gotta talk about the numbers. You get three numbers, then you gotta stop and summarize.

Maddox: Yeah. (flatly)

Dick: I don't know what the hell any of that was. I couldn't follow it.

Maddox: I'm sorry, Dick. Maybe go back to kid prison and pay attention this time.

Dick: What was the point of that? I'm wrong somehow?

Maddox: 94 percent higher rates of mortality for people who don't exercise and who sit for more than 6 hours a day, and 48 percent higher for men!

Dick: For people sitting?

Maddox: Yeah! Sittin' in your car with your air conditioning and your -

Dick: (interjects) People are sitting for 6 hours in their car? What is that, a study on truck drivers?

Maddox: No, it's...

Dick: Probably a study on office workers.

Maddox: It's a study of people who sit in traffic every day and then sit at their desks at work.

Ron: There's alotta standing desks in the office I work at.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: Like in the past year, and it's so weird because you'll be at your sitting desk and then the guy next to you gets a standing desk, and then he's just literally standing over you while you're sitting next to him. It's just this...and the whole office is currently being switched over, but it's the big thing. Standing cars, that's what we need.

Dick: That is what we need! That would be great!

Ron: That actually would be really fun, to stand and drive a car?

Dick: They have standing bicycles. They're called...

Ron: Like a podium?

Dick: ...racer scooters. (Ron laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. I was gonna say they have those, they're called scooters.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Talk about lookin' like a dipshit while you're traveling. And they have Segways too, I guess that's a standing car. Literally.

Ron: Yeah, I guess you're right. Eh, that's not as cool as I thought it was.

Dick: Standing car, it'd be a bus.

Maddox: Um...

Dick: You can stand in a bus.

Ron: I wanna drive it, though.

Dick: Alright, are we ready to get to problems? That's enough screwing around.

Maddox: We sure are, Dick.

Dick: Uh, big problem!

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Bad blowjobs...

Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)

Dick: my problem.

Maddox: Bad blowjobs.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why, uh, why is that a problem? (snickers)

Dick: Guys, I have an announcement to make.

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: I had an amazing blowjob this weekend.

Ron: Whooooa.

Maddox: Whooooa! Who's the...

Ron: What's his name?

Maddox: ...who's the guy? (laughs) (Sean chuckles in the background)

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, good one. (sneering) Gay jokes!

Maddox: Ron and I simultaneously, we're like...

Ron: Yeah, we both simultaneously took the...picked the low-hanging fruit.

Maddox: Yep!

Dick: Gay jokes, great. And it made me realize how awful bad blowjobs are.

Ron: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, bad blowjobs are awful.

Dick: So awful that I think they really could be the biggest problem in the universe.

Maddox: Hmm. Uh, well, you're wrong, but go on.

Dick: Why? Wrong already.

Maddox: Well, because it doesn't kill anyone, doesn't affect anyone, doesn't injure anyone, doesn't cause property -

Ron: (interjects) Yeah, no, it does kill someone. It kills boners like crazy. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Like crazy.

Ron: Do you know how awful it is to get a bad blowjob but then you still have to be like...kinda positive?

Dick: Yep!

Maddox: Yeah!

Ron: Otherwise you just make them feel bad, so you're like, "No, it's great! It's awesome!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: And meanwhile you're trying so hard just to maintain a boner...

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: ...and you're just like, "How do you have that many teeth in your mouth right now?" (Maddox laughs) "Like, it's not pleasurable at ALL."

Dick: You really have to dig deep.

Ron: 'Cause you take something that should be awesome and then all of a sudden it just makes it, like... (stammers) I've had blowjobs where I just couldn't wait for them to end, and that's a terrible way to go through a blowjob.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they don't prepare you for that!

Maddox: No.

Ron: No!

Dick: You think once you get 'em in bed...

Ron: This is gonna be -

Dick: ..."Oh man, this is all smooth sailing."

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: "Oh, it's gonna be so much fun!!" And then you...ugh.

Dick: It's like, it's like...I mean, it's like 3 outta 4! 3 outta 4 times it's just like, "Why did I even do any of this? Why did I - "

Ron: (interjects) You gotta be like a Little League coach. You know? Where you're like, "Go, keep it up! Good job, good job! Good eye, good eye!"

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: I've started coaching them. One of the best blowjobs I've ever gotten was, uh, was this girl who, like...just seemed dirty. Uh, she... (cracks up)

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: She just seemed, like, TOO dirty.

Dick: Like Pigpen?

Maddox: Like, too good at it...huh?

Dick: Like Pigpen? The Peanuts...? (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: No no no, not like Pig-

Ron: (interjects) Oh, like a blowjob so good you're like, "Man, how much practice have you had?"

Maddox: Yeah!

Ron: 'Cause that was aloootta practice.

Maddox: Exactly, one of those. Like, too much practice. It's like a porno blowjob.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And I'm like, "This is...this is nuts. Stop it. I feel like, I feel..." I started to blush during sex! (laughs)

Dick: Oh, awesome. (sarcastic)

Maddox: Is that a "bags of sand" comment?

Dick: Yeah! (everyone laughs)

Maddox: Whatever!

Ron: I just, like... (giggles) The idea of you putting your hand up to your cheek...

Dick: "Heeheeheehee!" (high-pitched)

Ron: ...and being like, "Oh my!" (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Dick: What made it so great?

Maddox: Um...well, do you want me to talk about the actual technique?

Dick: I wanna know to you what made it great.

Maddox: Okay, there's this's -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause that's the big question online. I punched in, uh...

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: ..."what's the deal with...?" Like, "What's the deal with blowjobs?" online, and it's a bunch of women...or probably teenage girls, 'cause I imagine they don't really care if they give shitty blowjobs after they're 23, but just a bunch of girls going like, "What's the trick?"

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: "What do you do? What are the techniques?"

Maddox: It's intimate knowledge of the...of the wiener, and enthusiasm. Those two -

Dick: Eh, okay!

Ron: (interjects) That is the biggest thing for me.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Ron: It's always like, "What's the trick?" To just enjoy it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: That's how, is to actively enjoy the process. 'Cause I've gotten those, like, "you earned it" blowjobs, and there's nothing worse... (Maddox laughs)

Dick: It's insulting!

Ron: ...than getting a, "Well, I guess I gotta do this."

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: It's just like, "You're not having fun..."

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: "...I'M not having fun." (in unison with Dick) And 'cause I, uh, I like reciprocating.

Maddox: Sure!

Ron: And I actively enjoy it, and so it's like it's not -

Dick: (interjects) Sometimes.

Ron: You know? I mean, I...okay, well, I'm a creepy dude. I like it. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Alright! Alright, alright. (smiling)

Ron: Yeah, I know?

Maddox: Yeah, man! It's, uh, it's fun. It's fun.

Dick: Well, I got some stats for you.

Maddox: Oho, great.

Dick: Well, you you're saying, they've gotta love it. Right?

Ron: The worst is, like...the worst, though, is when they give it to you and they're not into it, and then they're like, "Why aren't you cumming?" and you're like, "Do you really want me to answer that question?"

Dick: Yeah, 'cause this is a charade! (Ron chuckles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's why. Um, "I love..." A survey out of Esquire -- women who said, "I love it," that was their response: only 30 percent!

Maddox: Only 30 percent of women...

Dick: Only 30 percent!

Maddox: ...said they love...

Dick: Said they love doing it.

Maddox: ...the peen?

Dick: That was their response to this survey, is "I love it." They had the choice between "I love it," "I like it 'cause he likes it," "I do it but I don't like it," which is like a prison sentence...

Ron: Mhm.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: bed, and "I won't do it": 5 percent!

Maddox: 5?!

Dick: I can't even imagine that!

Ron: That's a weird conversation. You know? "Hey, can I, know that...would you ever consider, you know, letting me put my penis inside your head?" And her just drawing the line like, "I don't do that."

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: And it's like, "Well..." That to me is just being like, "No, I don't like to make my partner feel good."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right??

Ron: You know?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: I guess I would ask, "Well, why? What' know, have you had a bad experience or something?" You know what I mean? I feel like there's a lot more subtext under a statement like that.

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: Yeah, I've met a lot of girls who...well, a lot of 'em will say, you know, it's kind of like a little bonus. They'll say "I'll swallow," and I say "I don't care. Uh, do what you want with it. Once it leaves my body, it's no longer mine and I don't feel it."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "So if it's goin' down your throat and it's doin' somethin', I don't know." (chuckling)

Dick: "I'm done, you're done, whatever. It doesn't matter to me."

Ron: I prefer if you go outside and spit it into my garden, (Maddox and Dick laugh) 'cause I actually hear it's really good for the plants.

Maddox: I don't care what you do with it, can fertilize plants, just don't fertilize your ovaries.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: And please don't get it on my sheets. (Maddox snickers)

Maddox: That too. (laughs more)

Ron: 'Cause I...actually, it is a big pet peeve of mine. I'm like, "Great, now I gotta wash 'em again!" 'Cause I'm, you know, pretty Type A.

Dick: And changing your sheets is a big hassle, isn't it? (Maddox groans)

Ron: Oh yeah, changing my...yeah.

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: And that's, many dudes who don't get laid, I'm just like, "Just change your goddamn sheets." Like, you finally get a woman into your bed; first of all, your mattress is on the floor. Do you think any woman is excited about that possibility...

Dick: No.

Ron: ...when she goes into your room, sees your mattress on the floor? And then you have these dirty, crusty sheets. It's like all she's doing is just like, "I shouldn't be doing this!"

Dick: Mhm. (Maddox chuckles)

Ron: Like, just spend more than 18 dollars on sheets, change 'em once every two weeks. I'm not saying anything crazy right now.

Dick: No! No.

Ron: So many dudes don't do this and then they wonder why they never...

Dick: 'Cause it's a big hassle!

Ron: ...they never get laid, and it's like, "Because you live like a hobo." You know?

Maddox: Yeah, Dick Masterson. (Dick laughs)

Dick: What are you talkin' about me for?!

Maddox: Chili sheets.

Dick: I don't...oh, Jesus. (Maddox laughs) He made up this story that I have chili on my sheets for some...

Ron: Chili?

Dick: ...for some reason.

Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)

Dick: Yeah, chili. I don't know.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: Is that what you call it? Chili? (Maddox chuckles)

Dick: Yeah. (sighs) Spicy.

Ron: "Babe, you want some of my chili?" (cracks up)

Maddox: Gross.

Ron: Just please say that all the time.

Dick: So, 30 percent. You're lookin' at 70 percent of the time, you're getting a shitty blowjob, man. That's 70 percent of life that's basically not worth living.

Maddox: Yeah. Man, uh, you find a partner that you're with for a long time who gives great blowjobs, and you''ve got it made, man. You're golden.

Ron: Uh, yeah.

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: I think -

Maddox: (interjects) But I'm's the thing: I think the problem here is society, because...

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: ...especially the media.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: TV at large, entertainment -- the entertainment industry -- has sold this...two great myths: first of all, that guys want sex all the time, and second is they want blowjobs all the time.

Ron: Yeah, I'm in my 30s, man. I don't want sex all the time.

Maddox: Yeah, and...I mean I do to an extent, but it's not with anyone, anywhere, anytime; it's like, "Hey, when I'm ready, I'll let YOU know."

Ron: Yeah, no, but there are definitely nights where I'm like, "We could seriously just watch Game of Thrones and I'd be totally happy."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, that is a very 30s thing that you just said.

Ron: Yeah. No, I'm deep in it.

Maddox: Yeah. Um...and then the other thing, the blowjob thing, which is...which is like we're always supposed to want and expect blowjobs. I'm okay with not getting them, unless you want to.

Ron: Yeah! Yeah no, that's what I'm sayin'.

Maddox: Again, it's like, "I'm not gonna force my wiener in your mouth." Like, that's the thing.

Dick: But you could talk me into it.

Maddox: What? You specifically, Dick?

Dick: No, to a girl.

Maddox: I could talk a girl into it?

Dick: No, but she could talk me into it. (chuckling)

Maddox: YES, correct. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. I don't want...I don't wanna necessarily.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: But if you're lookin' for, uh, if you're lookin' for somethin'...

Ron: I think it really just comes down to, like...

Dick: If you're lookin' for a run at the snack bar...

Ron: ...enthusiasm. You know?

Maddox: It is.

Ron: If it's something that you wanna do, it's like, "Oh, does this turn you on? Oh, absolutely I wanna help out with that!"

Dick: Yeah. There's no moves.

Ron: Yeah.

Maddox: No.

Dick: It's like professional wrestling.

Ron: But then do you...I mean, of course, what do you think about guys who won't go down on women?

Maddox: Stupid. Idiots.

Dick: Eh... (sighs)

Ron: I think it's -

Dick: (interjects) I think I'm...I could fall into that category sometimes.

Maddox: Huh!

Dick: 'Cause different women'll bring it outta you.

Ron: Well, I think I just...I've always enjoyed it, but I think if she's goin' down on you, it' can't be one of those dudes who's like, "Yeah, I don't do that." (dumb voice) 'Cause then you're just as bad.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, you don't have to say it. You just have to not do it. (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Dick, that...

Dick: Big difference.

Maddox: ...that's the same thing, and then they get in that headspace where they're like, "Well, can I ask him for that special favor?"

Ron: "What's wrong with me?"

Dick: Yeah, maybe it wasn't good enough. Then they get to thinkin' like, "Oh, next time it'll be better and I'll get it."

Maddox: No man, I'm okay. I'm okay with, uh, with either one. If they're...if they're down, I'm down. 'Cause I'm down to chow. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. (guffaws) That's gross.

Ron: I hate when people do the, uh...I hate those, like, whenever a woman says, "Oh, you, you did that really nice thing, you came out with me and friends from high school. You're gonna get a blowjob later." I hate when people use sex...

Maddox: YES.

Ron: this, like, reward or this treat.

Dick: Me too.

Maddox: Abso-...Ron, yes.

Ron: It's like, just fucking do it because it makes your partner feel good!

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: Like, why...

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)

Ron: Why do you have to, like...did I win?

Maddox: Ron, I...uh, yeah. (Ron laughs) That is the 'ding' of success. I've been working on a thesis about that specifically for a long time. It's something that -

Dick: (interjects) A thesis?! (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah! It's something that, uh, that is so pervasive in entertainment, that sex is this reward, which is really perverse and disgusting.

Ron: It's fucked up!

Maddox: Yeah. It's basically -

Ron: (interjects) Just do it because it's the person you love!

Maddox: Yeah, it's not supposed to be a barter system. If you're not into it, I'm not into it.

Ron: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah, end of story. Like, if you don't wanna have sex with me, alright, peace out!

Ron: Nothin' like turning sex into a transaction, you know? To really, like...

Maddox: Ugh.

Ron: ...heighten the mood.

Maddox: Well, what do you...yeah, what do you give me? What's, uh, what's for barter?

Ron: Mhm.

Maddox: Stupid.

Dick: Yeah. Well, that's my problem.

Maddox: Alright, Dick. Um...

Dick: I got the worst...I remembered the three worst blowjobs I've ever had. You wanna hear those?

Ron: Yeah, I kinda do.

Maddox: I kinda wanna hear a little bit more about the good one too! What's, uh...?

Dick: What do you wanna hear about the good one? Nobody wants to hear about good sex. They wanna hear about the awful stuff.

Maddox: Alright! Let's hear it.

Sean: Wait, were they from the same person?

Dick: No. "Woman," no. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: Did you just call Sean a woman??

Dick: No, I'm saying not "person." "Were they from the same woman?"

Maddox: No no, I think "person" is correct.

Dick: No. (Maddox laughs)

Ron: Was her name Jeremy?

Dick: Uh, no. No, it was not.

Maddox: Alex?

Dick: No. (sighs) One was, um...

Maddox: Zandor?

Dick: was was about 2 pumps in, and she says to me, "Is it good? A lot of guys say that, uh, I'm...I give the best blowjobs they've ever had."

Maddox: Agh.

Ron: Ugh, I hate that. (Dick laughs) I hate that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: First of all, you know what? If...if you give the best, you don't have to say that if you do!

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: You know?

Maddox: You'll know.

Ron: The proof is in the chili, you know?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Gross. (smiling) (Sean chuckles in the background)

Dick: Yeah. So, uh, I had to...I had to end it.

Ron: I never trust any girl who ever says "I'm really good at blowjobs," 'cause I'm like, "First off, if you were that good you wouldn't need to say anything, 'cause you would already have your self worth just from being fucking awesome at it. You wouldn't need to express it to anybody else." Same thing with guys saying like, "Oh,
I'm great at goin' down on chicks." Um, no you aren't. If you don't ever talk about it...

Dick: Huh!

Ron: ...then you are.

Dick: No, totally. Let's see, the second one was...the second one was a girl punished the...well, she was trying to do, like, a sword-in-the-stone thing but in reverse? (Ron snickers)

Ron: Jesus Christ! (Maddox and Sean laugh uncomfortably)

Dick: know? (cracks up)

Ron: That sounds so painful!

Dick: The sword...yeah, it was very painful.

Ron: What do does that work?!

Dick: Well, instead of trying to pull the sword out of the stone...

Ron: Uh-huh?

Dick: ...she was trying to cram the sword INTO the stone, if you catch my meaning.

Ron: Oh my gosh!

Dick: Right? Just as hard as possible, like, "I'm sure this thing will fuckin' fit if I just hammer it a little more."

Ron: That sounds awful. (cringing)

Dick: And I'll tell you the worst part: she loved it. (Ron gasps) So I had to adapt this treatment again and again and again! 'Cause what are you gonna do, say no to that??

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know? I'm not crazy.

Maddox: Poor guy!

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox chuckles) And the worst one was, uh, this girl says, "Do you have a condom?" And I just...I started laughing. (Maddox and Sean laugh) I was like, "For a blowjob?! No!" (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, no. (buzzer sound effect)

Dick: "Nevermind, we're done."

Maddox: Nooo. Condoms with blowjobs are stupid, unless you got bumps on your dick, which I don't. (laughs)

Dick: I got one more stat. Um...

Maddox: Sean's shakin' his head. (grinning)

Dick: 23 percent of men refuse to date women who will not give them blowjobs.

Maddox: That should be 100 percent. That's a huge problem.

Dick: Now, that's what I thought too!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But let's...we've got 4 guys here in this room. Uh, Ron?

Ron: Yeah?

Dick: Are you a "yes" or "no"? Do you agree or disagree with that? Girl says no; what do you say? "Hit the road, sweetheart"? "Hit the road, Jacqueline"?

Ron: I don't know if I'd say "hit the road." I would try and find, like, "Why? Talk to me about it." Like...

Dick: So you're hooked right there.

Ron: Yeah.

Dick: A "why" is in.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: That's a foot in the door.

Ron: I'm...I wanna hear the reasons -

Maddox: (interjects) Those are sales questions!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Mhm! Those are buying questions.

Ron: I mean, but there's...I mean, if she got some big old titties? (underhandedly) I mean, there's other factors in my...

Maddox: Alright.

Ron: You know what I mean?

Dick: Mm, that's true! That's true. Maddox?

Maddox: The women in this, uh...I think the women of this episode are loving this, by the way. Um...

Ron: Do any women l-

Dick: (interjects) Why? We're givin' them good tips!! (Maddox scoffs) According to the Internet, this is what they search for!

Maddox: Yeah, a little Dick tip. I think that if the woman is, uh, is abjectly opposed to it, then I would say "No, hit the r-..."

Ron: (interjects) Like if a blowjob killed their father?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, o-...I mean, there are exceptions. If a blowjob killed her father I'd give her an exception, but you know, I'd...that would be...I'd have to hear the story, really, to judge. Yeah, if the chick's not into it that's a different story, but if she just absolutely refuses out of principle, I'd say, "Okay, see ya. You're not interested in...I mean, you're not open-minded at some point." That's -

Dick: (interjects) What if she doesn't tell you and just never does it?

Maddox: Uh...I don't know.

Ron: But it's also like, a blowjob isn't a crazy thing.

Maddox: No.

Ron: If a girl's like, "I don't like anal," it's like, "Oh, okay."

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: "Okay, I get that. Like, okay! Fine, I understand. It's not comfortable and you don't enjoy it."

Dick: It's traumatic.

Maddox: And then you spend the rest of your life just tryin' to persuade her to, uh, to open up that b-hole! (fart sound effect)

Ron: Yeah. (laughs with Maddox)

Dick: It's fun.

Maddox: Yeah!

Ron: "Come on, it's my birthday." (dopey voice)

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: "Come onnn."

Dick: Sean? You're the last one. Yes or no? (smiling)

Sean: I don't know what I'd say. It's never happened to me.

Dick: Ohhh. (disdainful)

Maddox: Ohh, fucking cool, Sean! (laughing)

Sean: No, I'm serious!

Dick: Fuck off.

Sean: I've never dated a woman who...

Maddox: Yeah. (sarcastic)

Sean: ...who wouldn't! (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Sean. (amused)

Dick: Welp... (sighs) Then...thanks, guys. That... (scoffs)

Maddox: What about the hypothetical, Sean? If a girl was refusing at the outset -

Dick: (interjects) If a girl walked in here right now with an itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face and she said, "I don't suck dick"...?

Sean: I mean, I'd probably look for somebody else.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Okay! Fair enough! And how about you, Dick? What's your final answer?

Dick: Oh yeah, of course! God, yes.

Maddox: Okay. 'Kay, sorry Ron, you... (cracks up) You're the guy gettin' the lemon in this deal.

Ron: Ah, that's alright.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright. Thank you for being our guest this week, and we should mention your website's, which we'll plug in at the end, but it's really funny. There's this sketch that you just put up there.

Ron: Yeah! You're -

Maddox: (interjects) That I'm in!

Ron: You're in!

Maddox: I have a cameo. I haven't even seen it, and I asked not to see it until after this episode.

Ron: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: Well, that's good.

Maddox: Okay, so -

Dick: (interjects) Why did you put him in a sketch?

Ron: 'Cause I needed someone, and I, uh...I texted him and he was like, "Yeah, I'm down!"

Dick: Alright, yeah.

Ron: And so I was like, "Sweet, let's do it."

Dick: How would you grade his acting?

Ron: Um...

Dick: Is it better than his economizing?

Ron: MUCH better.

Dick: Okay, great.

Ron: Abso-...astoundingly better.

Maddox: Fuck... (Dick laughs) Fuck you guys! (buzzer sound effect) I'm so p-...okay, you know what? Let's skip Ron. Uh, let's go to my problem. (Ron laughs) Ron, what do you got this week?

Ron: Alright, my problem is, um...automatic dispensers in airport bathrooms.

Dick: That's very specific.

Ron: Yeah.

Maddox: VERY specific.

Ron: You know the, uh, the hand and the soap...and honestly even the toilets. It's, um -

Maddox: (interjects) So automatic sensors, right?

Ron: Yeah. Automatic sensors, basically.

Maddox: Automatic sensors, okay.

Ron: Okay, remember when airports started getting these motion-controlled faucets?

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: Do you remember the first time you saw that? Like, I had...I remember seeing that and I had such high hopes for the future.

Dick: I thought it was cool.

Maddox: Yeah!

Ron: I remember I was like, "Oh my god, finally. This is it. Like, the future is now." And know, I was like, "Okay, just a few more years and we'll have the flying cars and the hoverboards..."

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: "...and like, space ice cream will be everywhere."

Maddox: It's a little cocktease of the future.

Ron: And it was just great, and I...but I remember it was, uh, but it was a little bit weird. You know? They didn't quite work but I was like, "You know what? That's okay, 'cause it's a new technology and I understand that when new technology happens it's a bit wonky."

Dick: Mhm.

Ron: "It takes a couple years to iron that out. I'm not ridiculous, I understand that. It's not perfect, that's fine." But it's been 10 YEARS and it's still wonky, alright? Kinks abound. Every time you try and use an automatic dispenser, it's like when four cars pull up at the same time to an intersection.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: You just don't know who to go, and there's this hemming and hawing, and there's wasting of water during an epic drought, you know?

Dick: Yeah, well...

Ron: And also, this is like...they're pitching us the idea of self-driving cars and the hyperloop and the Oculus Rift and robot limbs, and all these things where we're giving robots, like, control over vast parts of our lives. And a lot of people are nervous about this, and rightly so because they can't get fucking automatic soap dispensers right in airport bathrooms! I mean, if your kid can't make toast, you're not gonna let him make breakfast. Alright?

Maddox: Right. (chuckling)

Ron: In this scene, the automatic soap dispensers...well, I guess the hyperloop would be like the bacon, and the dispensers would be like...not even the toast. It'd be the napkin that you use to wipe your face.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: You know? And they just...if they can't get that right, I don't trust them with anything else.

Dick: There's no possible way!

Ron: Yeah!

Maddox: I wouldn't...I wouldn't let a kid make me breakfast, but I'd MAKE him. So, it's a very subtle distinction there.

Dick: Mhm.

Ron: So you would order him to make you breakfast?

Maddox: Yeah. Unless he wanted to, in which case I'd say no. (Ron and Sean laugh) It's a control thing. Um, yeah -

Dick: (interjects) Just like blowjobs.

Maddox: No... (laughs with Ron) No.

Ron: I only want a blowjob from a girl who doesn't wanna do it. Is that what you're sayin'?

Dick: It's...yeah. Now that they're 10 years old too, all of it's fallen into disrepair. Like, you go to use those soap things, you put your hand under there, it does nothing, you assume it's broken; you take your hand away, it shoots out a bunch of pink goo, and you look on the floor and there's like a swamp of pink goo. And you're like, "Tremendous."

Ron: It's supposed to make things efficient. Like, my mind was blown when I saw that one part from Garden State when Zach Braff walked by all the...the faucets, and they all go off as he's walking by?

Dick: Yep.

Ron: And in my head I was like, "Well, we gotta fix that, 'cause that's just a huge waste of water." And we still haven't quite fixed it, and I don't understand how we can shoot thousands of satellites into space and we can't get one of those teams to, like, crack this code on their lunch break to finally make a decent sensor so that this shit just works.

Dick: Yeah. Uh, the toilets don't work, the soap doesn't work...

Ron: Oh, the hand thing? When you wave your hand in front of the paper towel dispenser?

Dick: You know what the worst fuckin' thing about that is? It only shoots out like a third of a serving...

Ron: Mhm.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: ...then it shoots out like 3 of those, like a whole serving, and you still need one more to dry your hands properly.

Ron: So you do it again, and then it just -

Dick: So you do it again...

Ron: So we've turned going to the bathroom into this, like...kind of a stressful experience.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: Like, it should be this part where you go in, you relieve yourself, you have a moment of calm. You're already in an airport, so you're already kinda heightened.

Maddox: Drop a deuce.

Ron: And nothing they're doing...and it doesn't even help them! 'Cause they're like, "Oh..." It makes things more messy -

Dick: (interjects) It gets water everywhere!

Ron: You get soap everywhere, the toilets are always going off; it's just, like...

Maddox: Or never!

Ron: the fuck haven't we fixed this yet??

Maddox: Yeah, no, the oth-...the flip side of that is sometimes you take a real nasty growler in the airport toilet, and it's know, it's one of those, like, event horizon breakers where it's comin' out past the water? (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: You know what I'm talkin' about?

Ron: Mhm.

Maddox: And for some reason or another the fuckin' sensor doesn't detect, and you get up and you look around desperately for...and it's eliminated courtesy flushes!! I've been in toilets and had, like, MASSIVE diarrhea where it's just, like...just coating the bowl in yellow slime, and I... (cracks up) (Sean grimaces in the background)

Ron: Ugh, yellow?!

Dick: Jesus.

Maddox: I turn... (giggles)

Ron: Specific color!

Dick: Why is it slime?

Maddox: I chose yellow. (grinning) Uh, I turn around lookin' for the flush, somethin', desperately to help out my fellow man.

Dick: Yeah, you can't.

Maddox: Of all the courteous things you can do in life, the courtesy flush is #1. And I'm lookin' desperately, I'm feelin' around for buttons or anything, like pushin' things and squeezin' things and undoin' the fuckin' toilet seat desperately, and I'm like, "I'm sorry!! I'm sorry! I'm sorry my shit stinks so bad!" (yelling) "I ate something wrong! I'm in an airport."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "What do you want me to do?" And I'm just sitting there SWEATING. Just sweating cold...sweat.

Ron: You always have to search for the button, too. There's always a button.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: You know? They hide it, and you gotta search for it. It drives me fuckin' crazy.

Maddox: You know what? You know what I'm wondering? This is kinda tangential to the Conspiracy Dipshit problem. It's top 10 on the list right now by the way, I believe, or top 20. Anyway, those sensors are essentially cameras. They're infrared cameras. (Dick laughs)

Ron: Really?

Maddox: Yes! And I don't know why conspiracy dipshits haven't glommed onto this one, because essentially anyone...someone could tap into that network of cameras and see everyone's junk everywhere!

Dick: No, they're la-...they're lasers and photoreceptors. They're not...they're not cameras.

Maddox: They're infrared!

Dick: They're not CCD cameras, though. They're probably just like a photocell.

Maddox: But they're infrared. They work by comparing two scans of the same image within a certain, uh...

Dick: I don't think you're right about that.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I don't think it's an...I don't think it has a, a CCD chip in it.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Like, it's just a...have you seen a photoresistor?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like a little wafer that just tells changes its resistance whether you cover it or not, where it's dark or not?

Maddox: Oh, so if it...if the signal's broken, that's when it...that's when it checks?

Dick: Yeah. When it gets dark, the resistance drops and it flushes.

Maddox: Ohh. Yeah, you may be right about that.

Dick: That's why if you lean forward in...they didn't equip toilets with video cameras.

Maddox: Well, I guess...but they could! It's pretty simple. It's not a stretch of the imagination know, it is a conspiracy dipshit thing, but they could put actual photo cameras in those.

Dick: Well, they're made in China. I don't know, Chinese -

Ron: (interjects) And then you see a bunch of buttholes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Ye-...uh, yeah!

Ron: Or I guess you'd have to put the camera inside the toilet so...nah, they probably... (trails off)

Dick: It really frustrates me that technology has made our lives so much worse.

Ron: Well, I just love, like -

Dick: (interjects) In this specific way.

Ron: When I get super pissed off is, you know, when they bring out a new phone and they're like, "Oh, it can do this, it can do that," and I'm like, "Can't you just make this shit work on my old phone? Stop introducing new bells and whistles."

Maddox: Hmm.

Ron: "Just make the things we already have work."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Ron...

Ron: THEN I'd be happy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What kind of phone do you use, Ron?

Ron: Shut the fuck up, Maddox. (cracking up)

Maddox: Ahh, Ron uses an iPhone, and he's kinda upset because the new iOS always makes your old iPhone kinda crippled, doesn't it? Kinda like a reason to go out and buy the new iPhone, the new model, because the new OS keeps adding layers of complexity that they don't need to, overhead in RAM and CPU usage...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: it cripples every new...every last generation of phone. Try running the iPhone 4S right now with the current...with the modern operating system. You fucking can't! It's garbage!

Ron: You know, you're completely right.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, he's completely right, but this is also a man whose phone is so unreliable that we can no longer text. We have to email important things because texts might or might not come through on his phone. Is that...Maddox, is that a true statement or not?

Maddox: (sound clip of man saying, "Well, that's unfortunate.") (laughs with Ron)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: It is absolutely true. I fucking hate my phone right now.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It is awful.

Ron: Dude, I just wanna get, um...I just wanna get a box of flip phones and then just walk around town and just stand outside of subway stations and just be like, "Go! Now!" and then break the phone and then throw it in the garbage and run onto the subway, just to freak people out. (Dick chuckles) Just 'cause I feel like that's what you always see, like people break a phone and throw it away.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like Walter White.

Ron: Yeah. I just wanna break flip phones all the time.

Maddox: Alright Ron, good problem. I will say this, though, in defense of automatic motion sensors. The one technology I've seen that works really well and I fucking love it is at airports, some modern ones, especially like in Tokyo and Hong Kong, they have these toilet seats with plastic wrapped all the way around the seat.

Ron: Oh, yeah yeah yeah yeah.

Dick: What?!

Maddox: Uh-huh! Yeah.

Ron: Those are so cool.

Maddox: And you sit down on it, and it senses...I think it senses your weight differential, and so when you get up it automatically slides the plastic around the seat so you never have to touch it or change it.

Dick: What??

Ron: First of all, I guess what I shoulda meant my problem to say is that this is strictly an American thing, because I have taken some of the most GLORIOUS dumps of my life in Japan, where you poop in like a f-...a closet!

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: It's like a room! And there was this, um, almost like this was like a bidet and then it had all these buttons on it. I mean, it was incredibly complex for a toilet, and you just got...I mean, it was awesome! It was the most comforting and relaxing thing where, know, American, we have the...'cause I think they want it so people don't do drugs, but they have those doors with that half-inch gap...

Maddox: Hmm.

Ron: ...where someone can just peek in.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: And I -

Dick: (interjects) That's why? It's because of drugs?

Ron: That's what someone told me! He was like, "Oh, it's ' people don't do drugs in the bathroom." And I'm like, "How many - "

Dick: (interjects) I hope it's not that r-...I hope it's because of its precision.

Ron: How many people are doin' fuckin' drugs? No, makes no sense!! We make cars. Like, we can' is it precision? We can't put two doors together? We haven't figured that out at the bathroom door-making factory?

Maddox: It could be for any -

Ron: (interjects) It makes no sense!

Maddox: Yeah, it could be for any number of reasons, like people having sex in the bathroom, homeless people shooting up, uh...yeah, well that...I guess that is drugs. And then -

Ron: (interjects) I think it's 'cause they don't want you to have that level of privacy, which I hate.

Dick: Why are we proud of ourselves in America at all?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If we...why are we...why do we walk around pretending to be tough men when we have no regard for our own bathrooms? That's...this is a travesty.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: I really...isn't it? It's disgusting.

Ron: How many times have you taken a piss next to someone where there's not even, like, a know how there's a little wall usually between urinals?

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: But then a lot of bathrooms just won't have that, and I'm like, "Why do people think that I wanna pee, like, with a bunch of other dudes all the time?" I want my own little space to pee.

Dick: And how much would it cost? 100 bucks?

Ron: It doesn't cost anything! I don't understand!

Sean: What about the troughs?

Maddox: The troughs are awful.

Sean: What about the troughs? They don't -

Dick: (interjects) I actually love troughs.

Maddox: Why?!

Dick: I like getting...I like getting guys in a little sword fight.

Maddox: Alllright. (Dick laughs)

Ron: Actually, the only time I like troughs is when it's one of those, like, downtown LA 1930 bathrooms?

Dick: Yeah, yeah. (smiles)

Ron: 'Cause I feel like I'm peein' in a time machine.

Dick: Yeah! (laughing)

Ron: I kinda like that. That's how my dad peed, you know what I mean?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What do you mean? You get in a sword fight with other dudes? You're just sittin' there...

Dick: Yeah. Like, "Hey dude, sword fight? Ehnenenene?"

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: You kinda throw a lure out.

Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's Mom saying, "And who are you, GAY?!") Alright, guys.

Dick: It's not different 'cause she's sayin' it. That's basically you sayin' that.

Maddox: Yeah. I mean, it's gay. I'll say it. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: It's pretty gay. Um...

Ron: Actually, it is the definition of kinda gay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: I mean, if you wanna...touch your penis to other men.

Dick: Well, hey!

Maddox: Like, literally gay.

Dick: No, not your penis, your pee streams! Like lightsabers!

Maddox: Yeah, but here''s -

Dick: (interjects) You know? Like your pee have to keep your pee stream goin'...or whosever pee stream wilts first, they have less power than you. (Ron snickers)

Maddox: So... (cracks up)

Dick: That's the defini-...duh! That's a sword fight. Everyone knows that.

Maddox: That's...

Ron: You dipshit! (everyone laughs)

Maddox: That is a -

Dick: (interjects) And then sometimes you make the sounds, "bjooo, pshooo, pshooo!" (lightsaber noises) while you're doin' it.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, that's, uh, that's a...

Dick: What are you guys... (cracking up)

Maddox: ...a pissing contest, for real.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's cool!

Maddox: My friends and I actually used to have pissing contests in grade school. We'd walk home and we'd climb up my neighbor's tree on the way home 'cause he had a very climbable tree, and we'd get on the furthest branch out that was -

Ron: (interjects) Climbable tree, bro! Nice!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was very climbable. (chuckling) We'd get up in the furthest branch that was near the street and we'd see who could pee further. (Dick laughs) And, uh...yeah! It was just a piss contest we had every day.

Ron: We used to do that where we would start peeing in grade school, and we'd start taking steps back from the urinal...

Dick: Yes! Yeah!

Ron: see who could get the furthest arch.

Maddox: Oh, that's cool, yeah.

Dick: Yep, and then you'd piss all over the bathroom. (smiles)

Ron: Yeah, 'til -

Dick: (interjects) And you never even thought it was bad as a kid. Now you're like, "Why did I do that??" (giggling)

Ron: No, you were just like, "Whateveeeer!" And some poor guy in his like 30s and 40s was like, "These fucking kids." (growling)

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: "Always p-..." You ever know the best was when you were at camp or somethin', or on a hike, and you just...I mean, it's still my favorite thing to do is just to pee from high up.

Dick: Yes.

Ron: That's the best.

Dick: Absolutely.

Maddox: YES. Peeing from the highest-up place ever.

Dick: So that it splatters into a mist before it even hits the ground.

Ron: Yeah, it just evaporates.

Dick: Like throwing your own ashes off of a cliff. "Pshooooo." (pitching downward)

Maddox: My dad...we went to the Grand Canyon, and there's this part that's kind of, like, roped off away from tourists 'cause it's this really, really thin walkway that's on this tiny little ledge, ALL the way out in the,'s a decent amount into the canyon!

Ron: Mhm.

Maddox: And my mom's screaming at him, saying "Don't do it, don't do it!" My dad's like, "Ahh, shut up!" and he climbs over the fence and he's walkin' down this tiny little walkway. At some point he had to put one foot in front of the other to get to the end of this thing...

Ron: Ohh.

Maddox: ...and as soon as he got out to the very end, he just took his dick out and took a leak. (Dick giggles) Fucking awesome. I was so proud of my dad.

Ron: And I was like...yeah, I was like, "Uh, that's gotta be...oh, what's the coolest thing my dad has ever done?" Like... (laughs with Maddox) You got your story locked and loaded.

Maddox: Oh, there's a bunch, buddy. Alright, let's get to the real biggest problem in the universe!

Dick: Can I say something first?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I got so much hatemail...I got more hatemail for our last episode than any other.

Maddox: Good.

Dick: People saying how the economy problem was so boring that they couldn't take it.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: They're like, "I'm ready to shut the episode off..."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "...'cause it's too...there's too much debate and too many figures, and blah blah blah." Okay, you guys have gotten an episode with blowjobs and pissing on stuff. Are you happy now?

Maddox: Yeah. Well, uh, then let me apologize in advance...

Ron: Augh.

Maddox: ...for my problem, my next problem that I'm gonna bring in, because I hope it's not too close to economists.

Dick: Oho, god.

Maddox: But it's psychics!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah! (sound clip of Angelo's Mom saying, "Go to hell and stay there!") (laughs with Sean)

Dick: Don't put the real one in.

Maddox: Wrong button.

Dick: That's the...that's the button. (smiles)

Maddox: Whatever, I don't give a shit. Economists!

Ron: I can't remember the last time I've seen a psychic, like, store. Are there...?

Maddox: They're everywhere!

Dick: Oh, they're all over in LA.

Maddox: They're all over!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There's probably like 3 on this street right now.

Dick: Yeah. (Ron snickers)

Maddox: And they're open 24 hours too, these fuckin' psychic shops. They're always tryin' to hustle you in. Psychics -

Dick: (interjects) You mean psychics, not didn't have economy in there for real, did you?

Maddox: I did put in economists. (cracking up)

Dick: Yeah, but is it psychics or economists?

Maddox: "Psychics" is my problem.

Dick: Okay.

Ron: Okay.

Maddox: But they're...but it's a very fine line between psychics and economists.

Dick: Oh, fuck OFF. Alright.

Maddox:, economists are the psychics of the mathematical world. (Ron cackles) And... (cracks up) And psychics are the economists of the spiritual world.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: They're people who think they have an extrasensory perception, right? ESP. To be specific, the ability to perceive information not gained through physical senses. So it violates the principles of basic science, like the ability for the past to transmit information to the present. That's a thing. Oh, and you can do goofy shit like the psychic ability to smell. Did you know this, guys?

Ron: No.

Dick: No.

Maddox: Yeah, until I started looking into it I didn't realize how goofy all this psychic shit was, but there's...there is a psychic version of every normal sense that we have.

Dick: Huh!

Maddox: So, um -

Ron: (interjects) So you could, like...know what you're gonna smell? Like, in the future?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I feel...I feel... (cracks up)

Dick: Or you can smell someone's future?

Maddox: I feel somethin' brewin' right now in my stomach. You guys are gonna smell somethin' in the future. Um... (laughs with Ron) This, uh, I went through the list of all the different kind of psychic senses. This one's called clairsentience, and I started...just for fun, I added the words "or penis" at the end of these descriptions, but feeling or touching with the mind is clairsentience. So you can feel someone's soul...or penis.

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: Uh, that's...yeah, the clairsentience, and then there's clairaudience: hearing with the mind, which is actually how you hear. Uh... (chuckles) And what they mean is usually to talk to the dead or talk to paranormal spirits, or to hear their voices.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Or penises. (smiles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, funny. Little joke. Um, and then there's clair-...I think it's clairalience? Clairalience: the ability to smell psychically. You can smell a really smelly ghost penis with that one.

Dick: What do you smell for real though? What do they say that you smell if you're a psychic?

Ron: "Ohh, I smell strawberries." (mysterious tone)

Maddox: Yeah, I have no fuckin' idea!

Dick: Oh, okay.

Ron: "Ohh, you're going to the farmer's market tomorrow."

Maddox: I think it's a less common one, the clairalience. And then there's claircognizance; it's knowing something psychically, primarily by means of intrinsic knowledge. The knowledge you get psychically has no physical explanation by definition.

Ron: So that's the one that we kinda think of when we think of psychics.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: Like, I don't...I've never gone to a psychic and been like, "So what am I gonna smell in the future?" (hushed voice) (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Ron: "I gotta know!"

Maddox: I think that would throw them for a loop. And then the final one is clairgustance; it's tasting psychically. Yeah, that's a thing.

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: People with the power of clairgustance claim to be able to taste things without putting them in their mouths. I couldn't think of a penis joke there. Uh... (laughs with Ron) But uh, yeah, those are the 6 psychic versions of senses that we actually have.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Total bullshit. Um, there' there are these cards that were invented in like the 1930s; they're called Zener cards, and you've seen these! These were used in Ghostbusters. Remember the very first scene of Ghostbusters?

Dick: Mhm.

Ron: Mhm.

Maddox: Where they're testing the...what's the, um...

Dick: Venkman.

Maddox: Venkman, yeah. Venkman's testing the guy. The symbols on the cards are circle, square, wavy lines, cross, and star, and 5 cards are in a pack of 25. So this botanist from Duke University became interested in testing psychics, so he created Zener cards to test them. He didn't want to be associated with seances and hauntings, so he coined the term "parapsychology." This was the guy! And so they started doing -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, he...there's a real parapsychologist?

Maddox: Yeah! It's -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, that's funny.

Maddox: Yeah! He coined that term because he started...he was the first one to really start testing these kooks...

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: ...and say, "Okay, well, let's do a somewhat scientific approach to this weirdo bullshit."

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: Yeah, what did he -

Dick: (interjects) Is it...what's the problem?

Maddox: I'll tell you what the problem is, Dick.

Dick: This is a real problem.

Maddox: Have you ever known someone who seriously relies on psychics?

Dick: Bro, uh... (sighs) (Maddox laughs) I don't know how seriously you want -

Maddox: (interjects) Yes, bro? (laughs more)

Ron: Whenever he starts a sentence with "bro," I just know I'm gonna get some knowledge dropped on me. (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Maddox: Go on, bro!

Dick: Listen, bro. (Ron cackles)

Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)

Dick: More...I think more people than you...I think you'd be surprised at the number of people you know who slightly rely on psychics.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, the number of people who just kind of buy into it a little bit?

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: The kind of people who, like, do it to make themselves feel better a little bit every once in a while?

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: Well, to me it was that thing you did when you went down to the Jersey Shore and you'd be like, "I mean, whatever! Let's just try it!" (dumb voice)

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: And like, it's that thing you do once in 8th grade and you're like, "This is bullshit!" But then she says somethin' to you like "You're gonna marry a woman named Jamie," and then every Jamie you meet, you're like, "Maybe this is the one!" (dumb voice)

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Ron: Like, there's always that gnawing sense. It doesn't do you any good. All it does is just give you a voice in your head.

Dick: It's fun though!

Maddox: Oh, Dick... (exasperated)

Dick: It is fun.

Ron: It is fun.

Dick: It is fun!

Maddox: It's n-...okay, it's fun...fine, fine. You wanna call it fun? So are drugs, until it becomes a problem. Then -

Dick: (interjects) Well, okay. Yeah. (cackles)

Ron: But man, you know, like...I know so many friends ADDICTED to psychics.

Dick: Yeah! (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, well...

Ron: "Give you 40 bucks, man! I gotta know what I'm gonna smell next week!"

Maddox: I'll tell you -

Dick: (interjects) "I'll suck your dick to tell me what I'm gonna do next!" (Sean laughs in the background)

Ron: "I'll suck your dick to tell me the next time I'm gonna suck your dick!" (cracking up)

Dick: That's right now! (laughs)

Maddox: I'll tell you when it becomes a problem, is when you have people who become desperate. They're in desperate places in their lives, and they turn to psychics for help. They ask psychics what they should do with their lives...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...and the psychics, who are basically just pulling shit out of their asses, are guiding these people into making really bad decisions sometimes! I've had...I've known people who have moved cross country based on the advice of a psychic. I've known people who have gone into really shitty relationships and stayed in them for years, abusive relationships, because of the advice of a psychic.

Dick: (scoffs) I'm sure they were wrecking an amazing life.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)

Dick: Someone who would take advice from a psychic. By the way, I would love for you to just replace "God" with "psychic" in everything that you're saying, 'cause isn't that the same thing?

Maddox: No.

Dick: People go to priests for advice, they seek counsel from some kind of spiritual authority, and those people are just pullin' shit out of their ass too.

Maddox: No, but priests and rabbis, when you go to them and confess they don't tell you, "Here's what you should do to fix your life!" They tell you, "Go say ten Hail Marys and, uh, have a nice day."

Dick: "And fork over the cash."

Maddox: No. It', they... (cracks up) Have you ever been to a church? That's not what they do.

Dick: They charge for weddings!

Maddox: Well, sure they do, and that's a fuckin' scam. Especially -

Dick: (interjects) Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, so psychics...psychics do cause real harm to people. I've I said, I've known people who have gone into really shitty relationships and gone out of great ones and gotten, you know, moved cross country based on the advice of a psychic, and what they do a lot of times is they take...they rope you in for A LOT of money. Um, so I went through a list of some of the famous psychics throughout history. In 1877 there was this guy named Edgar Cayce. People were skeptical of his ability to do psychic healings, he was called a fraud, and he was kind of upset because he said that his work in, uh, psychic spirituality was taking away the attention from his work in psychic healing. He was... (cracks up)

Dick: Oh, yeah. (cynical)

Ron: Oh, man.

Maddox: Yeah, he was upset about that. Uh, in 1911 there was a guy named Peter Hurkos. He failed to predict accurately the date of his own death. (chuckles) Although he prophesied that he would die on the 17th of November in 1961, he did not die until June 1st, 1988.

Ron: You know what pisses me off is the guy who, um...the one who forecasted the end of the world, and he got all -

Maddox: (interjects) Nostradumbass?

Ron: Uh, no, the dude from a couple years ago. Like, he got -

Dick: (interjects) He was recent, yeah.

Maddox: Oh, yeah!

Ron: He got all those people to spend their retirement money on billboards, and then it didn't happen and he was like, "Ahh, I...I fucked up the math! It's gonna happen!"

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: And then he...and there's problem with that is there's never any repercussions.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: Like, you could just say the end of the world's coming and all these people spend their savings, and then it doesn't happen and then you're like, "Alright." You know? "Oops."

Sean: Well, that's the second time that guy predicted it too.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: Exactly, yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: He was wrong before.

Maddox: He was wrong before.

Ron: I think we should...if you do something that big, I think...and it doesn't happen, we should...I don't know, take a finger. Somethin'. (Dick laughs) Like, we all get a finger. And then we share it, but just something so that people don't do that stuff lightly. 'Cause that's the thing, you could make the wrong...psychics, I guess, could make the wrong call, and what's gonna happen if they're wrong?

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: You know? You're just like, "Meh."

Maddox: They're just a bunch of charlatans who will take you for what you're worth. They'll bring you in, they'll give you this prediction. I've had...there are phone psychics, and actually there was this girl on YouTube who started out a WAY long time ago, and she got really popular and, like, lost her fucking mind. Or maybe it was gone always to begin with, but she was this girl...uh, I forget her name. It was like Kaylee, Kylie, whatever? She gave sex advice, and her whole gimmick was she had these thigh-high rainbow socks that she wore, and she would just sit there...

Ron: Oh, I...

Maddox: ...kicking her legs back and forth...

Dick: Alright! (sexy tone)

Ron: Good lord.

Maddox: erotically. And she just kinda played it off like, "Oh, I'm just be-...I don't know what you guys like about this, blah blah blah," (ditzy voice) but... (Ron snickers) She was giving sex advice, so everyone's all horned up and just...everyone's just, like, diddling their bean and rubbin' one off while they're watchin' this chick, right? (Dick giggles)

Dick: Okay.

Ron: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Then she got into some weird high school drama bullshit in YouTube comments with YouTubers calling her mean, whatever, and she lost her fuckin' mind, moved cross country, married, all this crazy shit. This the way, this isn't my account or my accusations. This is what I've read.

Ron: So your crazy shit is someone who moved and married?

Maddox: Nonono, I'm not...yeah, I mean, that is crazy. But, uh... (Ron laughs) Here's where it gets, like, crazy: she tried to start making money by doing psychic healings remotely. Remote psychic healings.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And, uh, and so people were sending her money, and she'd say "For one hour it costs 135 dollars," or whatever. I'm, like...I'm paraphrasing here.

Ron: That's kind of a good price, if you think about it.

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: Like, remote psychic healing, buck-35? Probably write that off on your taxes.

Dick: That's a good deal!

Maddox: Yeah, and the sad thing is people were paying this woman for this remote psychic healing. And where it becomes a problem, Dick, specifically this, is if they -- and religion can be a problem too in this very same sense -- is if they...if they turn to psychic healing or prayer in lieu of actual medicine, that's when it becomes a problem.

Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) Yeah.

Maddox: There are people who will go towards this alternate medicine, it's not even medicine. Let's just call it what it is. It's -

Dick: (interjects) Quackery.

Maddox: Yeah, it's quackery.

Dick: Yeah, a scam.

Maddox: There is a woman...uh, Sylvia Browne. She's one of the most famous -

Dick: (interjects) Angels!

Maddox: What's that? Is that her book?

Dick: That's a...yeah, no, she writes all about angels.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, how everyone on the planet has a whole planet full of angels just for them.

Ron: Are you fucking serious?

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: Cool!

Dick: Oh, it's quite a world she lives in. Quite a universe she lives in.

Ron: So I have a whole planet of angels just for me?

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: Alriiiight!

Maddox: Sounds kinda like...there's kind of -

Dick: (interjects) And they all look exactly like you.

Ron: No way! That sounds like an awesome planet.

Dick: I don't know if that' I'm adding to the...I don't...that's not canon.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, she was convicted for fraud.

Ron: Aww.

Maddox: She sold gold mining securities to a couple... (chuckling)

Dick: Ohoooo.

Maddox: ...for 20,000 dollars. Convicted of fraud!

Dick: Why did she do that??

Maddox: She and her husband.

Dick: She was makin' so much money with the book!

Maddox: Was.

Ron: I don't understand when people do that. I understand when people wanna, like...they steal from Walmart or Target or Best Buy.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: I get that. You know? I get it 'cause it's kinda like this faceless corporation.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: But when you're doin' somethin' where it's like there's a person, you're looking at 'em and you're just directly fucking them over?

Dick: Mhm.

Ron: I don't get how people can do that. That to me is, like...

Dick: I think that...I think part of her thinks she's telling the tr-...she's actually psychic.

Ron: She believes it?

Dick: Like, she believes it. Or either she's brainwashed herself into thinking it, or maybe she really does, imagine...there's so many people who are ready to buy it. Some of them have just gotta turn it on and say, "You know what? I actually am psychic!"

Ron: Well, there's...

Dick: Like, they make enough predictions -

Ron: (interjects) Anyone who's goin' to a psychic is obviously, like, searching for something. They feel...

Maddox: They're unhappy.

Ron: They're looking for some kind of guidance.

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: You know? They're trying to fill some...something inside themselves that's empty. Or for me, it was kind of that momentary fun, you know?

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: Like, "Look at this fuckin' weird thing. Let's do it."

Dick: Yeah.

Ron: But there are people who, uh...I mean, I remember that...remember Miss Cleo?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: "Call me now!" (Jamaican accent) Like that?

Dick: She got screwed over in that whole deal, I think.

Ron: Wait, wh-...?

Dick: Yeah, she was running...she was running it for a big company...

Maddox: Mhm!

Dick: ...that would run these psychics like telemarketers. Like, they spent -

Maddox: (interjects) Harris! Harris, I believe, yeah, is the name of the company.

Dick: Do you have that on your list?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Oh, go ahead.

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: Well, understanding was that they would run these psychics, like if they took...if they didn't get enough money out of somebody, they'd get reprimanded for that. They'd have all these metrics they had to hit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they'd develop relationships with 'em.

Ron: I just remember in college all my friends and I would be like, "Call me now!" (Dick laughs) Like, we just never got tired of doin' that.

Maddox: Yeah, she was active in 1997, mostly. When Miss Cleo...the FTC charged her with deceptive advertising, billing and collection practices.

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: Yeah! They're, uh, they're all kinda...they're all charlatans. Here's the thing though: you know, Ron, you mentioned stealing from a big company like Walmart, Best Buy, whatever. A big faceless corporation that makes billions in profits. What I really despise about psychics, though, is that they often prey on the weak and vulnerable: people who are depressed and broken and sad and dispirited, and they turn to these psychics. And rather than these psychics coming clean and saying, "Look, it's really simple to prove that all this...everything we're saying is horseshit and we're...we can't help you," they give them false hope and tell them...give them bad advice a lot of times. Like, at least if a psychic had a degree in clinical psychology and at least advised them towards a direction that a clinical psychologist would based on whatever, you know, qualifications that they have, at least then they could do something. That should be something, a parapsychologist!

Dick: You know, you're...go ahead.

Ron: Well...listen, bro. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Dick: Yeah?

Ron: I feel like these same sad and depressed people occasionally have to travel, and when they do travel they use bathrooms. (Maddox chuckles)

Dick: That's true.

Ron: And these bathrooms are filled with sensors that aren't optimized, and so it's just a thing...a psychic, they may go to, like...I mean really, let's talk about numbers here. How many people really are going to this level, you know? And those people who go to psychics, if it's not psychics it's gonna be somethin' else. They're gonna find somethin' to go crazy over.

Dick: Yeah!

Ron: 'Cause deep inside, they're broken. But soap dispensers are something that we ALL deal with.

Dick: That's a good point.

Ron: Men and women, okay?

Dick: That's a good point.

Ron: 'Cause bad blowjobs are only something that men deal with.

Dick: Well, let me...let me stop you right there.

Ron: What's that, bro?

Dick: First of all, women have to deal...bro. (cracks up) Women have to deal with bad blowjobs too, 'cause they're the ones givin' 'em! They're feeling bad for doing it, and you can buy -

Ron: (interjects) Wait. Wait, what? They feel bad for -

Dick: (interjects) They feel bad for giving a bad blowjob!

Ron: But they don't know they're giving a bad blowjob, 'cause you can't tell them they're giving a bad blowjob!

Dick: Eh, they...they feel it.

Ron: Then you won't get ANY blowjob!

Dick: They feel it, though.

Maddox: Yeah. They feel it with an emptiness in their mouth.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And that emptiness they're missing is some chili.

Dick: We can fix the automatic hand dryer stuff. Let's just ask Japan.

Sean: But you can't fake a boner.

Ron: Mhm.

Dick: We can fix that with money, but we can't fix bad blowjobs with money.

Maddox: Did you hear what Sean said? He said you can't fake a boner.

Dick: That's true!

Maddox: Yeah, that is true.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Bros...bros, listen. Um...Ron, before the show you mentioned how much -

Ron: (interjects) Instead of "bro," can we just start saying "brother"? (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Like Hollywood Hulk Hogan?

Ron: Yeah! "Listen, brother." (laughs)

Maddox: "Brother!" (gruffly) Uh, before the show, you mentioned how much you like specifically automatic hand dryers.

Ron: Oh, yeah! I'm not a big fan of, like, deforestation. It's just not my bag. (Maddox snickers) But if you guys are cool with it, I mean, we could talk about it.

Maddox: I LOVE deforestation. Is that what you're talk-...?

Ron: Oh, is that what you...are we...?

Maddox: Oh, you mean automatic hand dryers?

Ron: Yeah, I looove automatic hand dryers.

Maddox: Okay, that...I brought that in as a problem, Ron, and you seem to be under the impression that automatic hand dryers are more sanitary than paper towels!

Ron: Oh, are you gonna go with the whole...the fact that the air is full of microbes and they get blown onto the hands? Is that where you're goin'? Is that what you're walkin' through?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Yeah. The facts, yes.

Ron: you don't know, like, the new hand dryers with the level of microfiber purifiers they have (Maddox scoffs and laughs) that actually clean the air to 99.9 percent?

Dick: Oh, wow!

Ron: Or are you usin' the old-ass hand dryers? I don't -

Maddox: (interjects) Are you talkin' about the Dyson Blade? Is that what you're talkin' about?

Ron: Uh, the one where you dip your hands in and secretly I just wanna put my penis in it?

Maddox: And you have to... (laughs)

Ron: Ah, I'm sorry.

Maddox: And you have to play fuckin' Operation and not touch the sides because other people's disgusting hands are -

Ron: (interjects) Oh yeah, well, I'm like a human man who can control my body (Dick cackles) so I don't have this weird fucking, like...I don't know why you think it's this game of Operation that you just can't handle. (Dick still giggling)

Maddox: I'll play Operation with you right now, buddy! I bet you'll hit the sides left and right!

Ron: Yeah, 'cause it's a game of Operation! I'm talkin' about a hand dryer that has, like, a chasm of space for you to dip your hands and quite possibly your penis if no one's looking.

Maddox: Uh, Ron, if you're putting your...first of all, you have to do that stupid, like, fuckin' you're a coat hanger, a human fucking coat hanger putting your hands down!

Ron: "Zzzzzzzzzz!" (high-pitched) I like to pretend like I'm getting ready for surgery, and then I put my hands in and then I take them out.

Maddox: Yeah, like Operation! That's exactly what it's like, like Operation! That kinda surgery. And you're putting your hands down this, like, filthy trough. Guess what? Those drippings -

Ron: (interjects) Filthy trough?! You're not touching anything!

Maddox: You THINK that, but those drippings -

Ron: (interjects) I KNOW THAT! I'm not touching anything!! (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Ron, it...well... (cracks up)

Dick: They're not like this ghost I'm fucking putting my hands in! (laughing)

Maddox: When those fucking hand...those Airblades are blowing, what they're doing is they're blow-...they're creating, like, a circular vortex that's going down inside that oval shape that they have, and those drippings that fall from your hands sit there collecting moist, warm bacteria!

Ron: Oh, so your whole thing is -

Dick: (interjects) You got him on the ropes. He starts usin' big words when you got him on the ropes.

Ron: Okay, so you...

Maddox: What was the big word I used, "bacteria"?

Dick: "Circular vortex."

Ron: Here's the thing: every guy who gets into this right now, I'm gonna take a look at your bookcase right now, okay? I want you to watch my finger. all this fucking dust. (Maddox and Dick laugh) That just...I could write my name in your bookshelf, and you're talkin' to me about germs?!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah, I'm not...I'm not -

Ron: (interjects) And microbes??

Maddox: I'm not drying my hand with it!

Dick: And you're talkin' to me about chili sheets?

Ron: I mean, look at what...look at this!

Maddox: It's...yeah, I don't -

Ron: (interjects) LOOK AT THIS!

Maddox: I'm not...I'm not drying my hand in this fuckin' room! It's just fuckin' dust!

Ron: You're just livin' in it. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Ron...Ron has the neatest, tidiest apartment I've ever seen in my life.

Ron: It is called havin' your shit together.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: OCD is just another way of sayin' I get -

Maddox: It is! That's what it is, it's O-fuckin'-CD! (laughs)

Ron: Yeah, it's's a "get shit done" disease. (Maddox laughs harder)

Maddox: Oh, that's true. Okay guys, so that's my problem: Psychics!

Dick: Well, wait a minute.

Maddox: Yeah, what?

Dick: Wait a minute. So, what's...well, you know, I have a prob-...I have trouble just accepting this as a problem, because I see it as...

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: ...a lot of people just having fun and looking for guidance, and um...that's it! Like, needing a boost in their lives and they just, they have to pay some pittance to get it. I get that every once in a while people run up enormous credit card debts on it, or maybe they take the wrong advice...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...but, uh...

Ron: I think most times psychics just tell you what you wanna hear, you know?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah, they do.

Dick: That's's like going to a, you know, psychologist. (chuckling)

Ron: It's like goin' to a really good friend.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um...

Dick: That you have to pay for.

Maddox: Okay. Well, that's why I don't ask friends of mine who are really close to me or like me for their...for honest opinions on stuff. I have a group of friends...I have people who I use as a barometer. And Dick, you're one of them!

Dick: Oh, great.

Maddox: I know every time I ask this group of friends, they have a consistent style of response to me. (Ron chuckles) For example, I have this friend who -

Ron: (interjects) Dick's his...listen, bro. (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Maddox: Bro. (grinning) Uh, I have a friend who specifically hates everything I do, and -

Ron: (interjects) Really??

Maddox: And depending on the degree of hate, like if he absolutely hates goes a low as 14, like -14 on the scale for him. And he hates pretty much everything I do, and if he doesn't absolutely hate it at the -14 level -

Ron: (interjects) That's interesting.

Maddox: Yeah!

Ron: You know you got something kinda good?

Maddox: I know I got somethin' kinda good!

Ron: Ohh, okay!

Dick: Why 14? Where did that number come from?

Maddox: Uh, 'cause I...'cause I thought...he hated somethin' of mine a lot one day and that was like, "Well, that's a 10."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And then he hated something even MORE than that, so I thought, "Oh, I gotta lower the scale!" (Ron cackles)

Dick: What did he...what did he hate even more? What was the thing he hated the most?

Maddox: Oh man, I don't even remember.

Dick: You gotta remember what he hated the most. That's...

Maddox: It was -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I wanna know what this guy hates.

Maddox: I dunno, he hates so much that I do. So anyway, I forgot.

Dick: Ahhh. (disdainful)

Maddox: It'll come to me. And then I have another friend who is kind of ambivalent towards my stuff, so based on his response, on his little's like between 1 and 3, and I go into decimals with him. Dick, your -

Dick: (interjects) I bet that's Roger.

Maddox: No, it's not Roger.

Dick: No? Alright.

Maddox: Roger Barr...Roger Barr is very honest and gives it to you straight. I do like that guy.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: He gives good advice.

Ron: Yeah, Roger...he does give it to you straight.

Dick: So he's like a 0 to 10?

Maddox: He's a 0 to 10, yeah.

Dick: Oh, wow!

Maddox: You, Dick, you give...when it comes to criticizing my stuff, you give really good advice sometimes. However, when it comes to life advice I know to do the opposite of what you tell me every single time, because your advice always tends towards chaos. The most chaos! (Dick chuckles) You always suggest...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause I know what you're thinking, and I'll -

Dick: (interjects) It's fun!

Maddox: Right before I send off an email, I'll have a friend in the room. I say, "Okay, well, I'm gonna ask Dick what his opinion is, and I bet he's gonna respond this way." I'll send it off. Within minutes you'll write back; you're like, "Yeah, do it." And I... (laughs) And I'll think, "He told me that because he thinks it's fun and he just likes to sit there and watch the world burn." (laughs more)

Dick: Well, that's part of it. I can't responsibly say that that isn't it, but here''s my philosophy on that.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: You've already experienced what you're experiencing, so why not just totally mess it up? (Maddox laughs)

Ron: WOW. That is...

Dick: Then you get something totally new! I mean, aren't you, like -

Ron: (interjects) Oh my god, that just...augh. (cracks up)

Dick: I got it!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I got what this is!

Maddox: That's Dick, that's Dick! That's the way he thinks!

Ron: Why don''ve already experienced what you're experiencing...

Dick: Yeah!!

Ron: why don't you just mess it up?

Dick: Yeah, just totally change it! (Maddox laughing) Then you get to see all new things!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's great!

Maddox: Yeah! No, I know! I -

Dick: (interjects) It's like a snow globe! Life is like a snow globe, except every time you shake it, it might turn into something totally different.

Maddox: Dick, you are -

Dick: (interjects) Like a rabid weasel. (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: When it comes to this philosophy, you are so consistent that I can use you as a barometer, and that's -

Ron: (interjects) Do you know, if you were a psychic, you would be the worst psychic ever. (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: "Life's like a snow globe, man! Just shake that fucker up!!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who knows what could come up?

Ron: "That'll be 65 dollars."

Maddox: No, I guess this...this hits me personally, this Psychics problem, because I know a lot of people who are really depressed.

Ron: Have you ever been to one?

Maddox: Uh, no. I've, well...I've been to one with a friend. Oh no, I did! I did go to a psychic, 'cause I went...I snuck into this fuckin' bullshit-ass party for Halloween. Tickets were like 80 dollars. I thought, "There's no fucking way I'm payin' 80 dollars for anything!"

Dick: At the Magic Castle?

Maddox: No, it wasn't at the Ma-...

Dick: No?

Maddox: It was, like, some downtown fuckin' warehouse. I snuck into this party, and I was bored to tears. There was nothing going on at this bullshit-ass party except for a bunch of fatties. (Dick scoffs) It was like...kind of like a Ren Faire but around Halloween.

Dick: Oh my god.

Maddox: So it's just a bunch of fatties tryin' to, like, hook up with each other. So I snuck in and I was bored and there was this line to talk to a psychic, so I sat down and talked to this chick, and uh...she told me a bunch of bullshit and she was really inexperienced. And I started quizzing her on stuff and I gave her the wrong information to see if she would correct me or say, you know, "No, you're actually this sign, or this whatever," and she didn't.

Dick: Well, of course not!

Maddox: No!

Dick: She's not... (laughs)

Maddox: She's a psychic!

Dick: Why would you do that?!

Maddox: Were you about to say she's not a psychic?

Dick: No! She's...of course she's not a psychic, Maddox! (Maddox laughs) None of them are psychics!! It's a game that they play! They wanna, like, have a little fun conversation with you! Why would you test her on something you know she's not? (yelling)

Maddox: Yeah, I...I don't know. I was just, uh, I was bored. (Dick giggles) So, um...'cause, you know, I wanna take a little bit of a scientific approach towards psychics. (Dick laughs more) That's why, Dick. Why is that so fuckin' funny?

Dick: It's just so funny that you would go to a psychic, who you know is a complete know that, right? And you would engage with her by giving her false information, and then you get off on watching her humiliate herself by giving you predictions based off the false information.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You don't think that's funny?

Maddox: Well, Dick, I...I still wanna test my beliefs! Even though I do believe that and I have no evidence to believe in psychics, occasionally I still wanna test it. I wanna test it! I mean, why not?

Dick: How much do you not believe in psychics? 100 percent?

Maddox: 100 percent, yeah!

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Yeah!

Ron: What about, like, um...what about all that, uh, astrology stuff?

Maddox: Nohoho.

Dick: Oh, he already brought that in.

Maddox: ABSOLUTELY horseshit.

Ron: Yeah, I can tell. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maddox: Horoscopes. Um, one other thing: there's a, it wasn't a study. It was a test, a psy-...I think a psychologist did in, uh, in a class a long time ago, I think in the '50s or '60s. He handed out, um...I think horoscopes for everyone in class, and told them that they were for whatever sign they were, whatever Zodiac sign?

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And he said that, uh...he asked the class, like, how accurate they thought their reading was, and the majority of the class, I think somethin' like 80-90 percent, said it was very accurate, that it specifically described them.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then he revealed to the class that he gave everyone the exact same reading.

Dick: Well...

Ron: Ohh.

Maddox: Yeah! Shat all over it. Anyway, it's a buncha horseshit. Psychics, that's my problem. Psychics/Economists, same thing. So, uh, that's my problem.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: What do you...what do you got this week?

Dick: Bad Blowjobs!

Maddox: Bad Blowjobs, and Ron?

Ron: Automatic Dispensers in Airport Bathrooms.

Maddox: And check out the sketch that, uh, that Ron just posted on, and have an Instagram too, right?

Ron: Yeah! @Heyron.

Maddox: @Heyron, and check out Ron's Instagram. He posts some steamy pictures on there. (closing riff starts) Thanks for listening, guys. Don't forget to tune in next week. We got a lot of exciting stuff comin' up. (Dick chuckles)

Dick: See you next Tuesday.

Maddox: Ah, jeez. (cracking up)

(Theme riff)


Voicemail (male caller): Hey yo Maddox, what's up man? This is Brad. I'm an editor over at The Economist. (Maddox laughs) We're over here working on an article on Alan Greenspan for our newspaper. (Maddox laughs more) Uh...anyway, I was just calling to request permission to reference your podcast in our article, your opinion that Alan Greenspan is a good economist because he's conservative, and he's cautious, and he's conservative, and nothing else. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Fuckin' asshole.

Voicemail: It's a revolutionary point of view towards his legacy. Uh, gimme a call back. My number is 866-9-...

[message ends]

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: No no, he -

Dick: Shit! How are we gonna give that guy permission?

Maddox: Was that...that wasn't a real number? He was gonna say -

Dick: (interjects) No. It was only 4 digits long, so no, it definitely wasn't a real number.

Maddox: You didn't cut that off?

Dick: No! (chuckling)

Maddox: That fucker! (Dick giggles) He sounds just like the editor from Men's Health Magazine. Sounds suspiciously like the same guy!

Dick: Oh, yeah!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: The guy...the guy at Men's Health magazine wanted to run a column about Maddox's leg day, (Maddox and Ron laugh) which consisted of...which consisted of doing squats with either 50 or 100 pounds, and that's it. Similar call!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Similar...similar framework to that call.

Maddox: We talked about...we talked about leg day at the beginning of this episode, before we started recording, and how I don't know the names of the exercises, but that's irrelevant.

Dick: Well, it's irrelevant 'cause you don't do them and you can't describe them.

Maddox: Of course I do them! I can ride my bike longer than you. How come you can't ride a bike?

Dick: Go ahead!

Maddox: Yeah!

Ron: Just be like the chef cooking without knowing the names of the ingredients.

Dick: Well, it's like saying to a chef, like, "How do you make popcorn?" and he's like, "I don't know! I can ride...I can eat more popcorn than you!" It's like, "Alright, well, calm down."

Maddox: No, it's not! It's like, "How do you make popcorn?" and you just say, "I don't know, I just put the bag in the microwave," or "I put the kernels on the stove. Like, what do you...?" (Dick laughs)

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Is that a "bags of sand" comment too?! (angrily)

Dick: No! Do you you want another shot at leg day? Do you want a redemption to tell us about your leg day?

Maddox: I will...I will never learn the names of those exercises, 'cause I don't care.

Dick: You don't have to know the names! Just describe them!

Maddox: Oh, okay. They're mostly just squats and lunges and crab walks and sumo squats. Like, all these -

Dick: (interjects) Those are a bunch of names!!

Maddox: Okay! I...but I don't know the technical name. I'll tell you, like, the motion and what I do, but I don't know the technical name and I'll NEVER learn them.

Dick: I think you looked those up after that podcast.

Maddox: No. It -

Dick: (interjects) And brought them in to this one. I think, uh, shaped the conversation after that call...

Maddox: Ohhh!

Dick: you could bring up these leg exercises that you looked up after the fact.

Maddox: Ohoho, yeah!

Dick: I'm onto you.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: I have a psychic feeling about this. (Maddox and Ron laugh) I got one from Butt Sanchez too. [plays next voicemail message]

Maddox: Okay.

Butt Sanchez: Hey guys, this is Butt Sanchez.

Maddox: Hey, Butt.

Butt Sanchez: I just heard what happened, and like, if you want somebody blame, it's completely my fault. (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: Yeah, we...we know!

Butt Sanchez: And I'm really fuckin' sorry that, like... (Maddox and Dick laugh more) I thought it would be fine, but apparently no, it fuckin' caved, and it's completely my fault, dude. I'm so sorry, guys. Um...

Dick: Awww.

Ron: Aww.

Maddox: Oh my gosh.

Butt Sanchez: I'm gonna try to do something cool in the future, and next time I'm gonna wrap it up right, guys, and thanks.

[message ends]

Ron: That's so sincere! (Dick chuckles)

Maddox: Butt...listen, Butt. Man, went way overboard with this gift to begin with. You didn't have to do any of that. You don't need to apologize for delivering us a gift that we...that you weren't obligated to deliver. Thank you for even sending it, and as Dick mentioned in the last episode, it turned out way better than had those bottles arrived intact! Because -

Ron: (interjects) Kinda was a happy accident.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah, happy accident.

Maddox: You can say that it's, uh, the broken fallacy...the broken window fallacy in reverse.

Dick: Oh, god.

Maddox: Yeah!

Ron: You're really still coastin' on that whole broken window fallacy.

Dick: [Dick plays "Maddoxnomics" song]

(goofy tuba background music)

Maddox: Let's get to the real biggest problem...

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: the universe, this week at least.

Dick: Somebody sent this in.

Maddox: What is this?

Maddox: Armchair Economists! (Maddox and Dick laughs) I'm not an armchair economist!

Dick: Go ahead!

Maddox: Yeah. (background laughter) 'Cause I'm not makin' economic theory -

Dick: (interjects) Just curious.

Maddox: Every time an earthquake strikes, go look at the stocks. (Maddox laughs) Go look at the stock prices of companies that produce lumber, that produce housing materials; they skyrocket.

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: That stimulates the economy!

Maddox: It does.

Maddox: That stimulates the economy! (Maddox laughs) That stimulates the economy!

Maddox: I hate this song.

(gypsy-sounding strings and cymbals kick in with tuba)

Male singer (goofy voice): Goooo fuck yourself.

Maddox: That stimulates the economy! (Dick giggles)

Male singer (goofy voice): Go fuck yourseeeelf!

Maddox: I took classes in economics. (Maddox starts laughing)

Dick: How many?

Maddox: One. One.

Male singer (goofy voice): Idioooot, idiooooot! (Ron starts laughing too)

Maddox: I'm not makin' economic theory. The entire field of economics is one big gambler's fallacy...

Maddox: It is! (giggling)

Maddox: ...and only occasionally does anyone get it right!

Maddox: You fuckin' idiots!

Maddox: It's like wine tasting but with mathematical models that sometimes occasionally get it right. That's it.

Male singer (goofy voice): Maaaaaaddox, you're a moron. (everyone still giggling)

Maddox: Economists largely agree that World War II stimulated the economy and got us out of the recession. Uh, economists are full of shit.

Male singer (goofy voice): What an asshoooole!

Maddox: One. Yeah, but it's not like that money was just sitting around waiting for us to spend. That's just money that...actually, you could make the case that earthquakes are a good thing.

Maddox: Yup!

Male singer (goofy voice): Please euthanize yourseeeeelf. (more giggling)

Maddox: And I'll tell you who the armchair economists are. I'm not an armchair economist!

[song ends]

(Maddox still laughing)

Ron: Man, that was a sick beat.

Maddox: Yeah! Good song. I LOVE that song. That song is...I'm gonna listen to that song...I'm gonna set that as my ringtone.

Dick: Great. (laughing)

Ron: I don't know how anyone could ever dance to that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: That was like slow motion.

Dick: "Duh, duh duh-duh-duh duh, duh..." (mimicking tuba) You can only walk to that.

Maddox: You'd have to be an elephant, yeah. (Ron laughs)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah, well, um...sorry dickhead, go look up that 1976 Chinese earthquake, because -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, stop! STOP WITH THE FUCKIN' ECONOMY! (Maddox laughs) You don't know what you're talking about!!

Maddox: I -

Dick: (interjects) A doctor told you you don't know what you're talking about! (screaming)

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: That's it! That's the end game!!

Maddox: He's not a doctor. (laughs)

Dick: It's...only if God came down and said you're wrong is it any higher than a PhD of economics!!

Ron: I just wanna...uh, *recent* PhD.

Dick: A r-...are you saying that's good or bad?

Ron: Eh, like, he's a recent PhD. You know? I mean, he...he said "recent PhD," and that -

Dick: (interjects) He's a professor!

Maddox: Yeah.

Ron: But that perked my ears, like, "recent PhD."

Dick: Ron...

Dick: He's a rookie! He's a new guy on the force!

Dick: Ron, on the tip of my cock. (Ron laughs) That was you punching right on the tip of my cock while I got him.

Maddox: Yup! (smiling) (Dick laughs)

Ron: I just like to...I like to punch on both sides.

Maddox: And, uh, I cited TWO PhDs -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, STOP!!!

Maddox: Yep! Two to your one, dickhead! And they're published in the Journal of Economic Inquiry. How many journals has your dickhead professor been published in? Probably jack shit!

Dick: 25.

Maddox: Yeah, BULLSHIT! (Dick laughs) That sounds like an economist's answer to me!! Fulla shit! Psychics! Ha, idiots. (giggles) Haaah, winner. (laughs more)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Wooo, so proud of myself! What a winner! (still laughing)

Ron: I don't know how you guys do this every week. It's so emotionally exhausting.

Dick: Ahaha, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. (grinning)