The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 5
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyy, buddy! How ya doin'?
Maddox: Pretty great...doin' excellent.
Dick: Dude, who wrote that theme song? I feel like we should be thanking them.
Maddox: Brett Mann! Actually, I just added him to the 'Who' on the website. So if you click on the 'Who' portion of the website -- the 'Who' link at http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com, you can see the guy who made it. He's awesome. He's actually done a lot of music for my uh, my YouTube shows.
Dick: Cool, man!
Maddox: He made the "Maddox Metal Riff," which is BADASS. Uh, he's a very talented dude.
Dick: Yeah, and he likes fuzzboxes! (sexy tone) Me too.
Maddox: Is that a...euphemism?
Dick: No, that's a musical term. (cracking up)
Maddox: Oh, okay. I don't know.
Dick: That's that sound, that 'ehh-eh ehh-eh ehh-eh ehhhh'! (imitating theme riff's electric guitar)
Maddox: (chuckling) Alright. Cool! Well, I thought it was, um...like a -
Dick: (interjects) What'd you think I was talkin' about? (grinning)
Maddox: Just like, box.
Dick: What could "fuzzbox" mean?
Maddox: Well -
Dick: (interjects) When I say "I really like fuzzboxes," what do you think I'm talkin' about?
Maddox: Like, a fuzzy box. (laughs)
Dick: What do you wanna say, Sean? With us as always is Sean, our audio engineer. That's why this sounds halfway decent.
Sean: Thank you, thank you. Uh, Maddox, you will be pleased to know that there is a fuzzbox called a Big Muff. (Maddox snickers) For real.
Dick: There you go. (amused)
Sean: Been around since the '60s.
Maddox: Oh, it makes my, uh...my immature self so happy.
Sean: Wanted to make your day complete.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You could never be a musician 'cause you'd be up there giggling about the parts the whole time.
Maddox: Oh yeah, I got yelled at when I had to sing something in...in elementary school.
Dick: Oh!
Maddox: Probably turned me off to music forever!
Dick: What did you have to sing?
Maddox: "Coming to America" by Neil Diamond. (everyone laughs)
Dick: And when you say "have to sing," what do you mean you had to sing? Who was making you sing it?
Maddox: It was just...it was just me, I was singled out. (smiling) Uh, it was my -- no, it was my third grade teacher. We had to sing it for the governor, and my teacher was SO pissed because we fucked up during the song and we started giggling. (cracks up) And she came back, her face was RED, furious!
Dick: Oh!
Maddox: And she said, "You guys make me wanna CROAK." (grouchy voice) (both burst out laughing)
Dick: Ohh, eff you.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Alright, how'd...what do you got?
Maddox: Yeah, let's get to the board. So last week we had the problems Guys Who Need to Get Laid...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...College, Expensive Steak, and Dogs.
Dick: So let me just say before you read who's in the lead that I don't care (Maddox snorts) about the voting.
Maddox: Lies.
Dick: That means nothing to me, that you always win.
Maddox: Lies, those are lies.
Dick: I don't care... (stammers) Everyone can suck it! Doesn't matter to me. But go ahead, read the stupid voting results like always.
Maddox: Mmhm. Okay. Well, coming in at number one is Guys Who Need to Get Laid.
Dick: Yeheheheheahahahaaahh! (gloating) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)
Dick: Alright, good! That's me!
Maddox: Well, well, well. Surprise, surprise. You...
Dick: First place! (grinning)
Maddox: ...you finally ranked. And then number two -
Dick: (interjects) What's second?
Maddox: The second problem is College.
Dick: Ohohohohoooh, TWO! (loudly)
Maddox: Which...okay, and then -
Dick: (interjects) Two, and they're both for me, dude!!
Maddox: Yeah...
Dick: You got skunked! Eff you!!
Maddox: Yeah, well, eat a dick. You know why? It's because -
Dick: (interjects) OHHH, I am the winner!
Maddox: No, you're a loser!
Dick: I am the winner.
Maddox: You are the KING of the losers. Because you know why? You know why, you know... (trails off laughing)
Dick: (interjects) I'm the king of the losers, that's right! You are Loser Number TWO. (taunting)
Maddox: The reason people voted Guys Who Need to Get Laid is because...like, 100 percent of those votes came from guys who need to get laid.
Dick: Yeeeah, that's right!
Maddox: Losers! You're the king of the losers.
Dick: Yeah, whatever!
Maddox: And then -
Dick: (interjects) I'm the North, you are the South, buckaroo. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical) And then College, you just got a bunch of like, frustrated college votes. Great. (sarcastic) Way to -
Dick: (interjects) I am SEAL Team Six, you are Osama bin Laden. (Maddox laughs) I just annihilated...I just smoked your ass.
Maddox: Yeah, you're SEAL -
Dick: (interjects) Woooooo!
Maddox: You're... (cracks up) You're SEAL Team Pander. Um...
Dick: Oh, man. That's great! (sarcastic)
Maddox: And then, uh...and then comes in Expensive Steak. And then dead last is Dogs, because everybody has an ADDICTION to dogs, which just proves my point! Thank you for voting it last, 'cause you guys just proved my point.
Dick: No, your thing with dogs was weird, 'cause you've never had a dog. So you don't understand why they're cool.
Maddox: So what?? You don't need to have a dog to understand!
Dick: Well, I guess everyone disagrees with you.
Maddox: Yeah! No, it's because...it's because people have dogs and they can't...uh, they can't feel threatened. They can't feel like they can agree with somebody even though they have a dog.
Dick: Alright. I don't care! I won.
Maddox: Whatever.
Dick: That you're just jealous, because...if there was a chick in here she'd be like, "Ooo, Dick! Look at you with all the votes you got! That's so sexy and manly and funny! Then what about this guy over here with no votes?" (high-pitched girly voice)
Maddox: No. Chicks...
Dick: "You look like garbage!" (cracking up)
Maddox: Chicks actually are very turned off by Dick Masterson. (Dick guffaws) I've gotten several -
Dick: (interjects) Ha! False.
Maddox: Nope! I've gotten several -- there's a comment right now on my Maddox wall...
Dick: Why? (amused)
Maddox: ...that says "I don't like Dick Masterson." 'Cause -- what do you mean, "why"?! (laughs)
Dick: Why?? What's her...why not?
Maddox: The constant onslaught, the on-...the barrage of like, anti-women and stupid theories that are all bullshit...and the desperation to get laid. I think that's why. Um...
Dick: I don't care! (Maddox laughs) That's not an insult to me! Yeah! (grinning)
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: I'll -- look, I'll take it if it's easy, and I'll work really hard for it! Doesn't matter to me.
Maddox: You guys are just feeding him. Okay, so let's, uh...a couple comments I wanted to read from last time. The first one comes from (attempts Belgian accent; slightly high-pitched) Dam-...Damieen. (switches to normal voice) He's from Antwerp, Belgium. He says, (returns to goofy accent) "Ze college and steak problem seem more of a problem in ze U.S. than a problem of the universe. Neither of those issues apply to me as a European. What changed? The other ones were universal."
Dick: Is that how people from Antwerp sound? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah! (through giggles)
Dick: Like...like they have their nuts in a vice?
Maddox: Yeah, Damieen, that's...yeah, that's Damieen. He's "European." (goofy accent) Uh... (cracks up)
Dick: So he doesn't think it's a universal problem?
Maddox: Yeah, I guess in Europe they don't have steak, right Damieen? Is that what your problem is? And they don't have...uh, what, dogs in Europe? What exactly don't they have in Europe? How is that not a European problem?
Dick: They have guys that need to get laid, though! Yeeeahh! (gloating)
Maddox: Yeah, mmhm. Yeah, I guarantee -
Dick: (interjects) Hmhmm, winner!! Chicken dinner!
Maddox: I guarantee Damieen needs to get laid. His...his profile picture is like, some stupid, goofy cartoon character.
Dick: You say it...you say that like an insult! We all need to get laid, dude!
Maddox: Eh, it's... (dismissively)
Dick: Get over it.
Maddox: I don't NEED to. Come on. It's not a problem here! Um, the next comment is from Nicholas from Olin, North Carolina. He says, "I'm with Maddox on the steaks. Also, Dick's debate method is to simply repeat his rebutted argument; this does not further his point, nor in any way validate it. I do agree with Dick on the college issue, though." So there you go.
Dick: Great, so I made my point there.
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic) So you got a...you got a frustrated college loser.
Dick: Oh. (dismayed)
Maddox: Well, he's not a loser. He agreed with me. Alright, Nick.
Dick: That's hurtful.
Maddox: Nick's...Nick's on my side.
Dick: He could probably sing Neil Diamond songs. (chuckling)
Maddox: Nick? I don't know about that.
Dick: For the governor, yeah.
Maddox: I don't know about that. Let's get to the -
Dick: (interjects) Let's get to the problems, pleeease.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Number one this week, you go.
Dick: Uh, I get to go first because I'm the winner. (Maddox laughs) Right?
Maddox: Just go, go first. You're the biggest loser, go first.
Dick: I'm the BIGGEST, though.
Maddox: The king of the losers.
Dick: We can agree that I'm the biggest and the king. (Maddox snorts and laughs) Here's my first problem: table nazis.
Maddox: Table nazis, what is that?
Dick: Okay? So, I'll tell you what it is. Um...I went to Stout Burger last week. You know that burger place?
Maddox: Well -
Dick: It's like a delicious...it's, it's not the best -- it's like the BEST burger place ever, man. It's like, all the waitresses are hot...
Maddox: Well... (skeptical)
Dick: ...and like, some of them are not a bitch, (Maddox chuckles) and the burgers are...they look like they came right out of a commercial. And they're all -- it's all high-quality, like, crispy prosciutto and this sauce that I don't know what it is, but it tastes amazing.
Maddox: Yeah. Does it have the Roquefort cheese on it?
Dick: Uh...yes. They have that cheese on it.
Maddox: That bullshit cheese?
Dick: And they've got like a hundred beers on tap and it's out on a patio, it's outside. It's really nice. Like I'll plan a whole day around just going to Stout Burger.
Maddox: Sure!
Dick: My buddy will call me up like, "I'm getting off of work early, I'm coming over and let's go...run up like a 300-dollar tab at Stout Burger."
Maddox: Yeah, I believe it.
Dick: So I go in there, and um, I wanna get a burger. The girl won't let me sit at a two-person table because there's only one of me! (indignant)
Maddox: So where are you supposed to sit?
Dick: (stammers) In the...on the toilet?? In the bathroom, I guess? She invited me to sit at the bar.
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: I was like, "Uh, no, I would like to sit at the table like a HUMAN."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "And not like a depressed alcoholic sitting at the bar by myself, hunched over a bar with my feet dangling off a stool like a child." (irritated) (Maddox laughs) "I'd like to sit like a man at a TABLE." So I'm immediately...incensed. Right? Uh, I think about leaving, but I really want the Stout burger so I'm like, "Well, what's...what are you talking about?" She's like, "Well, you know, they don't want...they don't want you to sit at the table if there's not the full amount of people to fill up the table."
Maddox: Well, how busy was the restaurant? Was it pretty full?
Dick: Does that matter?!
Maddox: Yes, it matters.
Dick: What the he-...you too?!?
Maddox: No, it -
Dick: (interjects) So now I'm pitching myself to you in restaurants that I should be able to sit and eat like a human?!
Maddox: They're running a business, not a therapy session! They don't give a shit that you don't have friends!
Dick: Yeah, here's the...here's the 'they' part, 'cause this is not what pisses me off. I get running a business. It's not THEY telling me I can't sit there, it's this WOMAN who's supposed to be a hostess telling me I can't sit there.
Maddox: You say "woman" so...uh, with so much venom.
Dick: (chuckling) Well... (Maddox laughs) That...that's what it was!
Maddox: Was she hot?
Dick: Uh, no, or else I don't I would've been as pissed off. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs loudly)
Maddox: Of course! 'Cause then you woulda sat at the bar like a little lapdog and then flirted with her, talked to her!
Dick: No, I woulda invited her to sit with me. Um, but here's, here...okay, here's really why it pissed me off. This is why it's a problem: because people don't, like, don't ask...they don't just sit there and think to themselves, "Gee, what do you wanna do...what are you tryin' to do here and how can I not get in the way of you doing that?"
Maddox: Hmmm. I...you know, I personally do the opposite. (cracks up) I look and see what you're tryin' to do, and I'm all about obstruction, baby! 'What are you tryin' to do? I'm gettin' in the way!'
Dick: Are you tellin' me you've never gone to a restaurant and been denied it? Like if there's one four-seater table left, you walk in with two people; they're like -- they don't give you, uh...they don't give you guff for wanting to sit at the four-person table? Instead of being like, "Oo, I don't know! Gosh, if YOU guys sit there maybe a party of four'll come in and then we're out two precious diners!!" (mocking)
Maddox: Well, it...no, it depends!
Dick: "God forbid!"
Maddox: No, it depends. If it's a really busy restaurant and it's a very busy night -- like it's a Saturday night, somethin' like that? I'm going to...yeah! You know, I get it, they're running a business and I'm not gonna take up a giant fucking -
Dick: (interjects) How do you understa-...how do you GET that??
Maddox: (raises voice) Because look at the flipside, Dick! If you show up at a restaurant with your four friends and there's one loser bozo sitting at a four-person table, and you're just sittin' there waitin' around with your dick in your hand 'cause that guy wouldn't sit at the bar! Sit at the bar, dude!
Dick: You know what?
Maddox: (interjects) You don't have to take up a giant fuckin' table! You don't need that much real estate for one person.
Dick: Get a bigger place!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay! (sarcastic)
Dick: That's the solu-...it's not my problem! (yelling) My problem is not table logistics! My problem is getting a burger and 50 dollars of beer in my stomach as quickly as possible.
Maddox: (sneering) Oh, and it -
Dick: (interjects) THAT'S what I'm thinking about.
Maddox: Great, and it's interesting that that...that you're suggesting they get a bigger place. What Dick failed to mention is that this burger joint, this burger establishment, is in the HEART of Hollywood. Like, one of the busiest places. So if they DID get a bigger place it would cost more, and those costs would be passed on to you in terms of the burger.
Dick: I don't care!!
Maddox: I know you don't care, BUT you also wouldn't go to the burger establishment! Because in order for them to find a bigger place it would probably have to be outside Hollywood. You would have to drive further -
Dick: That is... (disdainful)
Maddox: - you'd have to go further!
Dick: First of all, Stout DOES have a location outside of Hollywood.
Maddox: I know!
Dick: And it's not as good.
Maddox: (stammers) They have one in uh, Santa Monica, yeah!
Dick: It's weird. It's like, in a parking lot, like the...
Maddox: What?!
Dick: ...in the Hollywood one, the patio is on the street and you can look at people goin' by.
Maddox: Mmhm.
Dick: But in the other one it's like, the patio's in a parking lot and it feels...it feels too ghetto.
Maddox: Dick, you've never been to a restaurant in Asia, have you? You've never been to an Asian restaurant.
Dick: *In* Asia?
Maddox: Or Italy! Have you been...you've -- you've been to Italy!
Dick: Uh, please. (derisively)
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Uhh, I've been to Italy more than you, bucko.
Maddox: Mmm, I dunno. I dunno about that.
Dick: But, yeah. (sneering)
Maddox: So in Italy, I went to this really -
Dick: (interjects) What the HELL...no, I've never been to a restaurant in Asia.
Maddox: Okay. So, in...in Asian restaurants, like in Hong Kong, if it's very busy -- if it's a very popular place -- you show up and you sit down where they tell you to. You sit down, you might have to split a table with some strangers.
Dick: Cool!
Maddox: And I did...I did the same thing in Italy when I went to this really fancy -- like one of the most, uh, renowned pizza joints in all of Italy. It's so busy, they don't have time for your precious manners and your precious little etiquette and your table nazi rules. You sit down where they tell you to, and you might have to split a table with some strangers.
Dick: Will you have to sit at the bar?
Maddox: They didn't have a bar at this place.
Dick: Mmm.
Maddox: But who cares?
Dick: Mmhm. (sassy)
Maddox: Oh, no! (mocking) Wahh!
Dick: So what? So what. That's, I'm being...I'm being a princess because I wanna sit at a table and, and...?
Maddox: (interjects) You're bein' a HUGE princess. Yeah. Because who cares? Just sit down and get your fuckin' burger. (chuckling) Especially -- also, if you're sitting at the bar -
Dick: (interjects) (yelling) I don't wanna sit at the bar and jab DUDES with -- look, I'm a big guy! I don't wanna jam a bunch of other idiots in their ribs while I'm trying to eat a delicious hamburger.
Maddox: That is lies, there is plenty of space in between the seats! I've seen the bar stools at this restaurant -
Dick: (interjects) You are ab-...wait a minute, wait a minute.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: I will bet you that there is not space at that bar.
Maddox: PLENTY of space.
Dick: There is...NO. Absolutely not.
Maddox: And I've sat...I've sat at the bar before and I sat next to chicks! And guess what? We TALKED, and it was awesome.
Dick: No, it was all dudes there when I was there though.
Maddox: Yeah...
Dick: Look, I -- you know, I don't always wanna...sometimes I just wanna sit down and eat the damn burger! And I don't want some HOSTESS telling me, uh, where I can sit! Where I can and can't sit. That's the issue.
Maddox: You just wanna walk in like you own the joint, sit wherever you want! (chuckling)
Dick: Hey, I don't need her at all!! She doesn't need to be involved in the transaction! I can just walk in and sit down. A sign that said, "Hey Dick Masterson, go FUCK yourself" propped up at the front of the restaurant would've been more useful than that girl. That's all I'm saying.
Maddox: Yeah...I dunno. I think they hire a hostess because they want to maximize their...and you know what? I'll give you this -
Dick: (interjects) They hire the hostess to make you feel welcome! (yelling)
Maddox: Yeah, she made you feel welcome to go -
Dick: (interjects) She made me NOT feel welcome. (cracking up)
Maddox: - go sit at the bar. (Dick laughs) Go sit -- go feel welcome at the bar. Again, I wasn't there so I don't know how busy the place was, but if it was really busy I get where they're coming from.
Dick: Ugh, man. (exasperated)
Maddox: If it's not busy, sure! You should be able to sit wherever you want. I don't care. I've gone to restaurants where it was dead, and I just sat at a booth for eight people. Like, who cares?
Dick: I can't believe you're cutting them this much slack.
Maddox: Eh, I get it. They're runnin' a business!
Dick: So what would you do? Just eat at the bar like a sucker and hang your feet off?
Maddox: I HAVE, and it was great.
Dick: Alright, well...that's my problem!
Maddox: That's your non-problem. Non-problem. Okay, so Table Nazis -
Dick: (interjects) That's a universal problem, too! I bet that happens in uh, Antwerp. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: In Bel-...oh yeah, we'll...we'll make sure that uh, Damieen (in goofy Belgian accent) chimes in and lets us know if that happens in Europe. Damieen, we don't know that. Um, okay. Let's get to a -- let's get to a real problem here, man. My first problem this week is marriage. (slowly) (Dick smirks) Marriage.
Dick: That's a...are you looking for a sound clip?
Maddox: No, I don't have...I don't have -
Dick: (interjects) You know what? I dunno, in my head I expect the theme song from Married with Children to start playing when you say that. (smiling)
Maddox: Ah, that's a great theme song. Oh, and speaking of that theme song, you know on Married with Children, the DVDs? They didn't include that song.
Dick: Yeah! They changed it.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah, it's horrible.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay, marriage...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um.....yeah, that's a big problem.
Maddox: Yeah, it IS a big problem. So first of all, let's look at the statistics: 50 percent of marriages end in divorce. Right?
Dick: Okay. (Maddox cracks up) I don't know that that's true, but I don't care either way.
Maddox: (laughing) It is...it is true!
Dick: Like, I'm sure it's...that sounds about right.
Maddox: So, here's something kind of interesting: since the recession hit in the last, uh, 3-4 years...well, before the recession, the marriage -- er, the divorce rate had gone *down.*
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So during recessions, the divorce rate goes down. Why do you think that is?
Dick: Wait, wait. DURING a recession...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...there's less divorces.
Maddox: Right!
Dick: Probably because...people can't afford to live on their own. Like, it's a lot scarier to try to -- if you don't have a job to try and survive on your own, so it's just better to stay with whatever jerk you're...sticking it to.
Maddox: That's *exactly* it! That's exactly correct. Here's actually a news clip. [plays CBS news clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wF1CNRZuVyI]
Female Interviewee: During the recession, a lot of people felt so financially strapped that they couldn't even figure out a way to split up. According to the University of Maryland, there's 150,000 couples that waited until economic conditions got better.
[clip ends]
Maddox: Isn't that depressing?
Dick: Why?
Maddox: Like if you were...if you're in a miserable relationship -- first of all, you know that Lewis Black [Louis C.K.] clip where he says that when somebody says they're getting a divorce, you should congratulate them because no good relationship ends.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: Right?
Dick: I guess, okay.
Maddox: So...so you are in a miserable relationship, and you can't even get out of it because you can't afford to. Isn't that the most depressing thing that you can think of?
Dick: Not really.
Maddox: Okay. (laughs)
Dick: That...who cares?
Maddox: What do you mean, "who cares"?!
Dick: 'Cause they're just a buncha idiots who are together 'cause there's nothing better. Isn't that what a marriage is, basically? Like there's nothing better for you, so you gotta stick it out with this jerk that, like, fails you every day in a new and unique way? And you're like, "Whatever, I'm just too tired to go look for anything better than this." (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Dick, you...like, talking to you (Dick laughs) makes me feel like -- I see the world grayer after we have a discussion.
Dick: Yeah! (grinning)
Maddox: Everything's a little bit more bleak, everything's a little bit more depressing...I feel like I have less to live for after talking to you. (cracking up)
Dick: That's why I don't think it's a problem! It's like, people get married and you're like, "Yeah, okay. I'm sure your relationship sucks. You're all fun and games on your wedding day, but I know..." Like, who's that good?? Who's really that good, that you wanna stand there in front of everybody and be like, "Ooh, I really love this person!" (stupid voice) (Maddox laughs) Like, okay, whatever. (cynical) I'm sure they're a jerk.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Just like everybody else. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah. Buncha jackoffs, gettin' married. "Oh..." (mockingly sentimental) And you know what? I'm getting to the -- so I'm past the hump now; I'm, uh...I'm past the hump where all my friends were getting married.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And NOW I'm getting to the point where all my friends are getting divorced. (cracks up)
Dick: Do you tell 'em "congratulations" when they do?
Maddox: Uh, not always. I'm pretty supportive. However, I did have a friend recently who did get a divorce and had a divorce party!
Dick: Oh, that's cool.
Maddox: And it was...yeah! It was -- I mean, it was kinda weird, I didn't know what to expect. But uh, they were both there and it was...you know, just this supportive environment. They, they -- the reason they got divorced is because they said they're taking different paths in life, and they still love each other but they don't wanna be...you know, they need to like, go their separate ways. And I get that. But, again -
Dick: (interjects) You get that?
Maddox: No, I get the reason for the divorce.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Not the reason for the marriage. I don't see any...I feel like...so this is a thesis I've been workin' on for a long time, uh, I may be writing about soon. But I feel like there's no better way to tell somebody that you don't trust them than marriage. Than to insist that they marry you.
Dick: I guess.
Maddox: Right? Because if you say to somebody, "Hey, I love you, I wanna be with you, I wanna spend the rest of my life with you," and then they say, "Well, why don't you - "
Dick: (interjects) "On one condition." (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Uh, and they say to you, "Well, why don't you take the next step and why don't we get married?"
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's saying that they don't really trust you! They're undermining your, your...your vow to them.
Dick: I think you're thinkin' about it like a computer, though. (Maddox snickers) 'Cause...like, people just get emotional and they want it. They wanna make...people like making proclamations like marriage.
Maddox: Dick, how is that at all rational?! Like, that is the *opposite* of a rational decision. Why would you make an emotional decision?
Dick: (yells) What's RATIONAL about plugging a piece of your anatomy into a broad?? Like, none of it's rational! What are you TALKING about?
Maddox: Of course it is, you have to reproduce! That's why we have that drive. We -
Dick: (interjects) That's not rational!!
Maddox: Reproduction is rational. You have to, otherwise we die. That's the end of it.
Dick: So you're...so you're saying that the reason you wanna bone chicks is, like, this global meta-sense of needing to propagate the species?? That's retarded!
Maddox: That's...
Dick: It's just a biological impulse! You just WANT it, man! 'Yeeeah!' (raunchily) Like this! 'Yeeeeah!' (laughs)
Maddox: No, you're not explaining... (both laugh) Dick was making a disgusting hump motion.
Dick: Everybody knows what I was doin' with that sound. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's... (grossed out)
Dick: Ooohoohoo, yeeeah! (sexy tone)
Maddox: Oh my gosh. I wanna like, wash my ears right now. Um...no, the reason -- you're not explaining WHY, you're explaining WHAT. You're just explaining that there IS a biological response, but not why. The reason is -
Dick: (interjects) Impulse!
Maddox: No! It's... (cracks up) What?!
Dick: It's a biological impulse!
Maddox: Again, that's what, not why. What's the 'why'??
Dick: What the hell are you talkin' about?!
Maddox: You're explaining what, not why. Tell me why.
Dick: That's like explaining why you have two arms! You just do. You EVOLVED with it. Like, it's an evolutionary trait!
Maddox: Okay...
Dick: (stammers) What's...what more do you want than that?
Maddox: Because it increases our chances of what?
(brief silence)
Dick: (chuckling) It's how life WORKS!! What the HELL are you asking?
Maddox: Dick, we evolved two arms and opposable thumbs because it increases our chances of what?
Dick: Survival!
Maddox: EXACTLY. And that's probably why we also feel this -
Dick: (interjects) That's not a logical choice!
Maddox: What do you mean? What's not a logical choice?
Dick: Evolving arms to survive is not a logical choice.
Maddox: Well, I -
Dick: (interjects) Neither is wanting to bone!
Maddox: I mean, it's not, it's not...what do you mean?? What are you talking about?
Dick: You're not making the CHOICE to have arms or wanna bang broads, or wanna get married. It's in your DNA!
Maddox: (chuckling) Wha...whooooa! Okay, okay. To *want* to and then to execute -- are you saying it's the same thing? To want to have sex.
Dick: To want to bone...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...is a biological impulse.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Yeah, there's no reason for it. You don't need a reason for it, it's in your DNA.
Maddox: You DO! It's for reproduction. Okay, I don't...there's nothin' to argue here, you're just wrong (cracks up) and we're goin' around in circles.
Dick: Okay. So, what's wrong with marriage then?
Maddox: What do you mean, "what's wrong with m-..."?! Okay -- first of all, it wastes so much fucking money. Right? How much money have you wasted just going around to marriages?
Dick: Oh my god... (exhales thoughtfully)
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: ...a lot.
Maddox: Yeah! And you gotta dress up, and it's the same song and dance, it's the same jerkoff: we're standing around saying, "Ohh, my god! Oh, it's so lovely, it's so beautiful."
Dick: Yeah, and you never get laid.
Maddox: No! Nobody -
Dick: (interjects) Like, the return of getting laid to going to a wedding is...is like, lower than Vegas.
Maddox: Well, it's -
Dick: (interjects) Right?? You can't...right? You cannot get laid in Vegas. That's a marketing ploy to get people to go to Vegas. Nobody gets laid in Vegas!
Maddox: Yeah, Vegas is bullshit. I hate Vegas. Um, what -
Dick: (interjects) And weddings are one step below it.
Maddox: Yeah! I think -- I think you have a less...you have a lower likelihood of getting laid in a marriage...or in... (cracks up)
Dick: At a wedding.
Maddox: (chuckling) At a wedding...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...than in Vegas. And also in marriage! Like, a lot of marriages end because they become these long, boring, sexless relationships.
Dick: Yikes. (quietly)
Maddox: Yeah! Terrible.
Dick: So you were saying, before we got into the biology thing...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...you were saying that it's not logical to wanna propose to somebody?
Maddox: There's...the only -- the only reason I can see, the only rational reason I can see to want to get married is if you're ready to have kids. Because then it just makes things less complicated; it makes hospital visitation rights easier, it makes a bunch of things easier. You can...you can worry about the name thing easier. There's a lot of uh, a lot of things that it makes less complicated if you're ready to have kids. However, outside of that there is NO FUCKING reason to ever get married. And every time I ask one of my friends and I ask them, "Why are you getting married?" They say, "Oh, well, you know, we just want to make a public vow that we love each other." I'm like, "Then DO it! You don't need to...you don't need to get married to do that!"
Dick: Yeah, I... (stammers) I think you're...I think you're looking for too much logic in this. Like I hate marriage and weddings...um, but still, I think it's just built into people. It's like a fun pretend time that they get to -- like, "Oh, look at all this dumb stuff we're doing and saying, and everyone believes it! Whoooa, we feel so good!" (dreamy voice)
Maddox: Yeah, but you're not explaining why. Again, you're explaining the 'what.' Uh, all you're saying is it's...it's this thing that we do, but the reason we do that is...this tradition is steeped in -- uh, in like medieval times, when they wanted to make it easier for property to be handed down from generation to generation. Like, that's all it was.
Dick: Well... (sighs)
Maddox: It was like...it was a way to create treaties and allies. That's all it was.
Dick: I feel like I'm making your head explode with this explanation I keep giving you, and I'm trying to figure out why. 'Cause it makes sense to me, but it seems to...like, I can see veins... (Maddox chuckles) I think steam's gonna start shooting out of your ears.
Maddox: So angry. (muttering)
Dick: I definitely think there was an analog for marriage before the Middle Ages. Like, I'm sure they had some stupid ceremony dating back to the beginning of civilization.
Maddox: Are you sure?
Dick: Where people would be together forever.
Maddox: Yeah. I, I mean...
Dick: Yeah! Sure.
Maddox: These are always steeped in some kind of political thing, or... (stammers) ...some property thing -
Dick: (interjects) You're saying poor people didn't do this? Like are you saying poor people didn't sit there and say, like, "We'll be together forever?"
Maddox: They -- the landowners had a vested interest in making sure that their...uh, their servants, their subjects, stayed together. Because it made their kingdom more stable, it made their...it brought more property value. It brought more wealth in.
Dick: So you think everybody is brainwashed to wanna be married??
Maddox: (raises voice) Yes, because there's no point! You can be in a relationship as long as you want, you don't need to be married! I was in a relationship for over 7 years one time, we didn't get married.
Dick: Oh my god! What is this, talkin' about our feelings and...? (Maddox laughs) No, I'm kidding. Um, dude, that's...no! I don't...I can't believe I'm defending marriage!!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: To you! It's...
Maddox: Who the hell am I doin' this show -- what has happened?
Dick: It's not...it's not logical!
Maddox: Bring back Dick.
Dick: (chuckling) It's just not SUPPOSED to be logical! Like, it's retarded!
Maddox: No, that's my point. If it's not logical, then we shouldn't...it's this...first of all, I don't have a problem necessarily with doing things that are, uh, purely emotional. *I* don't do them, 'cause I don't have any. If you do -
Dick: (interjects) Any...emotions? (amused)
Maddox: Any emotions.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: I'm dead inside. So...but if you...if you also do something that's emotional that costs your friends and family tens of thousands of dollars and then you piss away tens of thousands of dollars on ONE fucking night, on some bullshit party, when you coulda put that down as a down payment for your house or traveled the world or put it towards college or ANYTHING, then that's when I have a problem with it.
Dick: Yeah, I'm with you on that. Uh, the fact -- like, people have weddings and they act like they did you a favor by inviting you.
Maddox: Oh. (exasperated)
Dick: But they should be apologizing. Like, "I'm sorry I made you blow a night..."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "...coming here, I'm sorry I made you spend all this money..."
Maddox: Oh, and the worst is a holiday wedding! Right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They think they -- like they'll lump it into Labor Day or Memorial Day or, you know, whatever...whatever day off. Like Thanksgiving - "Oh, we're havin' a Thanksgiving wedding! Everybody already has it off, it's convenient!" Yeah, it's convenient for YOU, dickhead. 'Cause then you're gonna go on your honeymoon, but the rest of us wasted our vacation time comin' to see you bozos get married. And then, of course, get divorced four years later.
Dick: Yeah. Uh, I'm with you on all that normal stuff, like it's a ripoff and it costs -- like dude, I've probably spent a couple grand on destination weddings this year.
Maddox: Oh, easily.
Dick: Already.
Maddox: Yeah. I -
Dick: (interjects) And they're just always...like even at their best, they're just like, "Yeah, it was a wedding." (flatly)
Maddox: I had -
Dick: (interjects) "That's what I did." But still, I think your reasoning for not...for thinking it's a problem is like, a little...like I can imagine you explaining that to your girlfriend. Like, "Look, the reason why I won't get married is because there's no logical reason for this." (stiff voice) (Maddox laughs) And I start rolling my eyes immediately 'cause it's like, do you never want a blowjob again? Why would you ever say that? (grinning)
Maddox: Oh my GOSH. What? (smiling) Dude, do you let girls hold blowjobs hostage to *marriage*?
Dick: It is -
Maddox: (interjects) Do you just tell them that you...do you string them along with the promise of marriage so you can get blowjobs?
Dick: Um, it is the only important thing -- it's the only thing that matters to me in the world, is getting blowjobs. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs) So I will do...WHATEVER to get them.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Dick: Including -
Maddox: (interjects) GREAT.
Dick: Whatever it takes!
Maddox: Sad. Just, again, the world is grayer.
Dick: How is that sad?!
Maddox: Because you shouldn't have to! Like, the girl should WANT to. Every girl I ever -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah! Oh, they want to. (Maddox laughs) Yeah! (provocatively) 'Cause that's the only time it counts, when they want to. Get outta here. (smiling)
Maddox: Um, I once talked to a friend who was defending marriage, and he said that the reason marriage is a good thing is because...he said, "You know sometimes when you're in a relationship and you have a fight with a girl, and - "
Dick: (interjects) (annoyed) Oh, I've heard this stupid...I've heard this response from a lot of guys. Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So you have a fight with a girl, and you...you know, rather than storm off and end the relationship, if you're in a -
Dick: (interjects) Like I do! (Maddox cracks up) Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: Right, like you do, 'cause you're VERY emotional. (Dick laughs) Uh, rather than storm off -
Dick: (interjects) I stormed outta Stout! Like, "THAT'S IT!!" (snapping) (Maddox laughs) "I'm outta here!! How dare you treat me like this!" (pretending to get hysterical)
Maddox: In a tizzy. (Dick guffaws) With your skirt... (laughs)
Dick: And then I got on the Internet and complained about it! Ohh, no! (self-deprecatingly)
Maddox: Yep...yup!
Dick: Aaaoohh! (groaning)
Maddox: Princess Masterson. (smiling)
Dick: Ohhh, I've become my dad.
Maddox: Yeah. So, so... (laughs) So rather -- so he's makin' the case, he says rather than just storm out of a relationship if things go bad, if you're in a marriage it forces you to...to have a cooler head, to calm down and try to work things out.
Dick: Yeah... (unsure)
Maddox: However, the flip side of that is, marriage also prolongs a bad relationship!
Dick: Well, the -- my first response to the first part is like, "What are you? What, do you have another chick lined up that you're gonna go bang?" (cracking a grin) Every time I've ever heard that from a guy, I'm like, "You have no play! What are...you're just here because you need to bang! Like, it'll be YEARS before you bang another chick if you're not here! What are you talkin' about??" (switches to a stupid voice) "Oh, marriage is good 'cause we can fight and then in the morning..." Like, neither of you are goin' anywhere!!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: (laughing) You don't have any other opportunities!
Maddox: Buncha -
Dick: (interjects) THAT'S why people get married!
Maddox: Yeah, buncha dead-enders.
Dick: They're terrified!
Maddox: Yeah, they're terrified.
Dick: That they'll never get to bone again.
Maddox: AND it's almost exclusively a thing that the girl's pushing for. I've rarely ever met a guy who's like, "Yeah, I really wanna get married. I really...like, this is my goal. I wanna get married."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Anyway, that's marriage.
Dick: So, your problem is...marriage *and* gay marriage, basically. We can say that Maddox thinks gay marriage is a problem. By extension. (Maddox laughs loudly)
Maddox: Oh, very...very nice.
Dick: What are their divorce rates?
Maddox: Very nice. Gay...gay divorce rates -
Dick: (interjects) Is it the same? Is it comparable?
Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) I don't know, but I'd imagine...I'd imagine it's comparable. I know in, uh, lesbian relationships, I've heard that, um...
Dick: (interjects) I've heard that they bring a U-Haul to the first date. Is that accurate? (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: What, just move right in?
Dick: Lesbians, yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: Uh, you -
Dick: (interjects) I dunno, that might've been a joke.
Maddox: Well, we should probably...
Dick: But no one's laughing, so you can't tell. (laughs)
Maddox: We should probably... (breaks down laughing) We should probably check Wikipedia. (chuckles) It's probably on there. Uh, no, I've heard a lot of lesbian relationships go stale much...uh, much sooner than straight relationships. I have heard that.
Dick: Ohh. (quietly) (smirks)
Maddox: But I dunno. I imagine, like, gay guys have it all figured out. Right?? Like you know, they're the ones who get married, and usually they... (stammers) A lot of my gay friends who are married have been together for like 20-plus years.
Dick: Hmm...yeah.
Maddox: So, you know. They're happy, whatever. But the gay guys who aren't married probably have the *best* lives! 'Cause they have the sex drive of a man, and then they have -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait... (cracks up) Okay.
Maddox: Right?
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: They have the sex drive of a man, and then the dating pool is all other men. All other gay men, yeah.
Dick: I don't know. You know, I think about...'cause it's easy to say that, but then if I'm like, "What if I...?" Like the only reason that chicks I'm dating really piss me off is 'cause I want...like, I want to bang them more. I want things out of them that I don't want from my friends. Like with you guys, I'm just like, "Okay, whatever. That was dumb, I gotta get outta here. I'm gonna go play video games."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So. But with a chick, it just...it annoys me 'cause I have to sit there and try to bang her, so it's like getting hammered in the head by the annoyances. I feel like maybe gay guys are like that too! Like maybe they sit there and they're hitting on a guy and it's like, "Oh, god! This guy's really drivin' me nuts with this BS, but..." (gritting his teeth)
Maddox: No, no, no!
Dick: "I gotta bang him!"
Maddox: It can't be, no way.
Dick: Maybe it's the same!! What if it's the same? That's all I'm sayin'. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No, I, I think that...I think that gay guys...uh, from what I've seen, they're way more straightforward; if they wanna have sex, they just walk up to the dude and say, "Hey, let's go have sex," and...
Dick: That seems a little stereotypical. (chuckling)
Maddox: No no, I'm sayin' I've SEEN this. I've actually seen this.
Dick: You've seen...
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: ...gay guys approach...?
Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah! Totally. I've seen it...I've seen it happen. You know, they're...you know.
Dick: Wow! Alright.
Maddox: And it's all across the board; you have the gamut. You have people who flirt -- like, gay guys who flirt with each other and try to pick each other up, and then some guys who are very straightforward. They just say, "I just wanna have sex." That's where Tinder came from! Uh, the gay app Grindr!
Dick: Grindr, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I know. Um...
Maddox: Which is brilliant!
Dick: Are you -- did you get all your weird marriage stuff out? What else do you got?
Maddox: You know, I got enough out. I'm gettin' pissed. I'm, like, too sweaty right now. (Dick laughs loudly)
Dick: What else do you have?!
Maddox: Well...
Dick: I'm not tryin' to be obtuse about the biological thing, I'm just saying that it's not logical! Like, you're lookin' for logic and it's a thing that's not logical. It's like looking for logic in why someone likes music. They just do!
Maddox: (hesitates) No, there's...there's probably a scientific explanation for why we like music. There's probably some evolutionary reason for it. Um...so, marriage...I mentioned marriage prolongs a bad relationship. Also, after a divorce -- this is kind of interesting -- a woman's income goes down by about 40 percent, and a man's income goes down by about 25 percent.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So you both stand to lose, right? And after divorce, you're entitled to your ex-spouse's Social Security benefits.
Dick: Ugh. Alright.
Maddox: If you don't remarry. And then anything you make during your marriage is susceptible, so you have to give up like 50 percent of everything you make, essentially, during the marriage. I can't think of anything more vulgar than two people...well, there's a couple things I can think of that are more vulgar than what I'm about to say. (cracking up) However, uh, when two people are in love, and they like each other, they're spending good time together, they're happy, they're best friends...
Dick: Uh-huh. Best friends??
Maddox: ...they say -
Dick: (interjects) Whoa!
Maddox: Well, I mean...you know, an ideal relationship.
Dick: That doesn't happen.
Maddox: Whatever. Um, so -
Dick: (interjects) That's just something that...that's just something people say. (smiling) "Oh, we're best friends!" Like, no one EVER means that they're really best friends with their wife, do they? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Again, grayer and grayer. This is just the most bleak...
Dick: (laughing) Like, you call your wife - "Oh, you gotta hear this story! Uh, Sean was drivin' home, we saw this Mexican guy kick a soccer ball under a bus, and then this other guy shit in his pants!" Like, you're...THAT'S what I tell my best friend. You're gonna call some wom-...you're gonna call your *wife* and tell her that story? About a bum shitting in his pants on the street? Yeah, right! (laughs more)
Maddox: Yes!
Dick: They're your best friend? (sneering)
Maddox: Yes!
Dick: Get outta here!!
Maddox: I have dated many women who are like that to me.
Dick: Who are your best friend?! (screeching through giggles)
Maddox: Yes!!
Dick: Ohh. (derisively)
Maddox: Absolutely.
Dick: Oh...oh, get outta here! (Maddox laughs) Just get right outta town!
Maddox: Maybe I'll go to Stout. (both laugh loudly) I'll sit...I'll sit at -
Dick: (interjects) Well, I'll go with you just so you can get a table, and then I'll LEAVE...so, joke's on them! So you'll be sitting there at their PRECIOUS table by yourself. (spiteful)
Maddox: That's a hilarious joke. (mocking) Um...yeah, anyway. So uh, so there's nothin' more vulgar than...well... (searches for words) Okay. It's not -
Dick: (interjects) Two people getting together...
Maddox: Two people getting together and then saying, "Let's involve the government. Let's bring the government into this union."
Dick: Well, I agree with you big time on that.
Maddox: Yeah. It's disgusting! Why...why do we need to document this officially with the government? Why does the government ever have to come into any of this? You know what I AM in favor of, though? Marriage for scam. Like if you're gonna do it for health insurance, or if you're gonna do it for tax reasons, I'm all about it. 'Cause the government's lookin' for EVERY opportunity to screw you, so you should also...
Dick: Wait a minute.
Maddox: ...return in kind. Yeah.
Dick: Is this...are you propositioning to me 'cause you know I have health insurance? Is that what this is? (slyly) Is this an elaborate con to...so I will wanna marry you (Maddox cracks up) to share my health insurance with you, you scumbag? Is that what you're doing here?
Maddox: Wooow.
Dick: (chuckling) I see what's goin' on!
Maddox: Wow, you saw right through it. (dryly)
Dick: I'm on to you!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: I'm on to you.
Maddox: No, I don't wanna get married. (suddenly excited) Is that YOUR elaborate way of asking ME to get married?
Dick: Lemme think about it. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: It might be!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic)
Dick: That's a...it's a big problem.
Maddox: It's a big problem!
Dick: Marriage.
Maddox: Marriage. Let's move on to yours...your second.
Dick: (sighs wearily) Car insurance.
Maddox: Car insurance!! (growling) Oh, wow! I am so glad I didn't...I was thinkin' about bringing that problem in today.
Dick: Car insurance, today?
Maddox: Yeah! I was thinking about car insurance.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So, thankfully -
Dick: (interjects) Lemme tell you...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...lemme tell you what happened to me. I wrecked up my car. Little bit.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: Um...a lot.
Maddox: (sound clip of man saying, "Well, that's unfortunate.") (laughs)
Dick: I ran it into a...this, this is what happened. I hit an unavoidable natural obstacle... (slowly; cautiously) ...water, in the rain, and hit a curb. That's what happened, let's just leave it at that. (Maddox splutters and laughs) Okay? THAT'S what happened to my car.
Maddox: Well, uh, there are alotta questions I have, Dick. (knowingly)
Dick: No there's not! (Maddox laughs more) That's the story, that's what the insurance company knows happened...
Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)
Dick: ...that's what's on the accident report.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: So shut the hell up about what happened to my car. (Maddox laughs) And it looks like...it looked like Paul Bunyan hit the front right tire with an axe. That's how it looked. So basically, like...destroyed.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So I take it -
Maddox: (interjects) Paul Bunyan would fuck up a car, right.
Dick: Oh yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You better believe it. So I took it in to get repaired, right? And I've been paying car insurance for whatever...however long I've paid it for.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Never used it.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I get in there, and they're both -- the mechanic and the insurance company are like, "Don't worry, we'll take care of it." So they're going back and forth, fixing my car for me, figuring out what gets fixed and what doesn't need to be fixed. And I'm sitting there on the sidelines getting an update every couple days, going, "Wait a minute! No one in this equation gives a SHIT about me!" Like these guys are fixing things and basically getting approval from the insurance company, who doesn't care, and the body shop sure as hell doesn't care! They just wanna get it out the door. (annoyed)
Maddox: Are you looking for that personal touch in customer service? Like, what's... (cracks up)
Dick: No!! There's...there's no one for me to STRANGLE and say like, "Hey, jackass!" Like, they're...at the end they say, "Um, well, we can't match your rim. Your rim...that rim doesn't get made anymore, so do you want us to just approximate it?" I'm like, "No! I want you to fix...I want to have four matching rims! You know, like a real car!"
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "Like everybody else. I want it to look like you would want YOUR car to look like, you stupid jerk. That's what...that's what I wanna do in this equation." I want that person to be involved, and they're not!!
Maddox: Right, so they would either have to replace all four rims so they match...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...OR pull out their big guns and go to a junkyard or check eBay and find a rim. I guarantee they can find that rim somewhere!
Dick: Right?? So I was gonna do that, but the... (stammers) ...so I'm like, "Just let me get my car and I'LL do that. I'll fix it CORRECTLY."
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And they're like, "Well, what are you gonna drive it on? You got no wheel." So I'm like, "Okay, dude! Uhh...yeah, I guess I'm totally screwed here! What am I gonna do, go get a...a placeholder wheel, drive it to the auto body shop, then drive it away and start doing...??" Meanwhile, I'm out a car by 3 weeks, so I'm totally hosed. So I'm like, "No, you know what? Just do whatever you want." So they negotiate with the insurance company; now I'm stuck with Persian rims. (annoyed) (Maddox bursts out laughing) Like Persian racing -- like, the guy...I pick it up and the guy goes, "Hey, what do you think, bro? Pretty cool!" (imitating a Persian accent) (Maddox laughs more) I'm like, "Uh...yeah, dude. Ya NAILED it. It looks exactly like it looked before. THANKS." (heavily sarcastic)
Maddox: Oh, sounds pretty cool, bro. (teasing) Those Persian rims sound like they're number one. (smiling)
Dick: You would love them. (laughs)
Maddox: Number one racing rims, my friend. (Persian accent) (laughs) You...it sounds like you got an upgrade, my friend. (laughs more)
Dick: He wheeled out the old rim -- it was this beautiful black-spoked rim -- he wheels out the old one and he's like, "What do you think? Pretty good match!" I'm like, "Yeah, it's a pretty great match, except the one you put on it has all this god damn writing on it that says, like, how much RACING that I do!" (Maddox laughs hysterically) "Thanks a lot! You -- it's *exactly* perfect."
Maddox: Ohh. (worn out from laughing)
Dick: (yells) You're telling me they don't have any blank rims? Like, they didn't have ONE blank black rim?!
Maddox: This makes me happy. (smiling)
Dick: Oh my GOD!! (screaming)
Maddox: Why don't you just sand it off if it bothers you that much?
Dick: Sand it off. (sneering) What the heck are you talkin' about?
Maddox: Come onnn.
Dick: That's THEIR job!! That's what they were...THEY shoulda sanded it off!
Maddox: Hey, it sounds like he got you a pretty cool rim, my friend. (laughs)
Dick: You know what? You know what, and when I went in there, I said that you referred me to them. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs hysterically) Like, thinking I might get some kind of...discount. (grinning)
Maddox: (yells) You know, I am SO tired of this bullshit! (Dick laughs) It's not just you, all my friends use me for the Armenian card. They're like, "Oh..." They go to an Armenian mechanic and they're like, "Well, my friend, uh...you know, my friend is Armenian."
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: "You know, you should come in, and..." (cracks up) I've actually gone to a mechanic shop with my friends -
Dick: (interjects) Who knew you? (laughs)
Maddox: No!! Because...
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: ...because my friend's like, "Oh, this guy's Armenian. Why don't you just hang out here? Maybe he'll give me a discount." And so of course I go there and I have to like, schmooze with them and, you know. They see...immediately when I walk in they see me, and they're like, "Ohh." They know what's goin' on!!
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah, they know what's goin' on.
Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) Uh, well, I needed you, buddy.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: (suddenly yells) Oh no, I probably woulda got even WORSE rims!
Maddox: You woulda got... (laughs)
Dick: They're like, "Oh no, these rims aren't cool ENOUGH! Go back and...go to the catalog and find some *better* rims."
Maddox: Yeah, you woulda gotten even BETTER racing rims. Persian racing rims! (laughing) By the way, what IS that? I don't even know what Persian racing rims are.
Dick: Tell me -- when you see them, tell me that that's not the perfect description of them.
Maddox: (chuckling) Persian racing rims?
Dick: Persian racing rims.
Maddox: What are they, like, turquoise and gold? And... (laughs)
Dick: Yeah, you'll see them -- you see them and you'll think... (stammers) You saw my old rims.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You know what my old rims looked like. Did the words "Persian racing rims" ever enter your mind?
Maddox: I'd...I would say your whole car is Persian racing. (laughs)
Dick: Get the hell outta here, you son of a bitch. (seething) (cracks up) How DARE you.
Maddox: It's not an insult. What YOU'RE doing is offensive; I'M not insulting. That's a -
Dick: This guy. (muttering)
Maddox: - that's pretty... (laughs more) That's pretty cool.
Dick: So, um...check this out. I got a stats for you. The average person pays 94 grand in car insurance throughout their life. (slowly for emphasis)
Maddox: That's bullshit.
Dick: Yeah!! Is everybody out there bashing up 100,000 dollars worth of car?
Maddox: No, never!
Dick: NO!
Maddox: And I'll tell you what the problem is with the insurance companies. The reason that you -- okay. So you have Aflac, right?
Dick: You could buy a CONDO with that!
Maddox: Sure!! That's a...you could pay for college with that! Uh, say you have...so you have the Aflac duck, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: The mascot of Aflac.
Dick: Yes.
Maddox: You have the Esurance cartoon girl...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...you have Flo -
Dick: (interjects) She's hot. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Not Flo...whoa whoa whoa, that's not what I was saying. (Maddox chuckles) I was saying the *cartoon* is hot.
Maddox: Sure. (dryly)
Dick: Not the fatso. I'm not a WEIRDO.
Maddox: Well... (skeptical)
Dick: Go ahead. (laughing)
Maddox: I dunno. I think you'd do it. (smiling) If she was...if there was any hope of you gettin' a blowjob, you would definitely hit Flo. Uh, you'd hit Flo real heavy. Um, there's the... (cracks up) ...there's the Geico gecko, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Do you notice a theme with all these...with all these different mascots? With the potential exception of Flo.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: They all are appealing to...younger -
Dick: (interjects) Retards.
Maddox: (chuckling) No. Younger...younger people.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: They're appealing to a younger demographic.
Dick: Yes.
Maddox: And that's because the biggest market where they...where they increase their, uh, their customer base is people who are just turning 16 and need insurance for the first time.
Dick: Yeah! You wanna know who else does that??
Maddox: Hm?
Dick: Cigarette companies!
Maddox: Yup! There you go!
Dick: That's -
Maddox: (interjects) You got the camel, Joe Camel!
Dick: Yeah. If you're doin' stuff that's, like, what other people do who are dickheads?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You're a dickhead yourself. That's MY motto.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I don't need to see...I don't need to know what's goin' on here, but if you kinda look like yourself that *you're* being a dickhead? You're a dickhead.
Maddox: How the fuck does everybody have a problem with Obamacare, and NOBODY bitches about the government-mandated regulation that we have to have car insurance?
Dick: 'Cause we lost that battle a long time ago. It was in our lifetimes, too. That that was a...that that became a thing, and it was like...and it was horrifying at the time that it -- that this would be a real thing for us. Here's the result! The result of losing that battle is me and my Persian racing rims. (Maddox snorts and laughs)
Maddox: Which makes me, again, SO happy. (grinning) This is like, the one argument for insurance I can see.
Dick: (excited) I could've -
Maddox: I mean, it's hilarious. (about to laugh)
Dick: - I coulda not paid any insurance and got a...like, a brand new car. With whatever rims I wanted, if I coulda just done it myself.
Maddox: That's true! Well, okay. So what about this? So, Tracy Morgan is in the news recently because he had that huge, horrific car accident in...uh, in New Jersey.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: There was a 6-car pileup, and the truck driver fell asleep, and they're...they're potentially gonna press, uh, murder charges against him.
Dick: Mmhm.
Maddox: So, what do you do in that kinda situation? You know, just to play devil's advocate here. What do you do if you are responsible for a 6-car pileup? I mean, that's more than 100,000 dollars, potentially. You're looking at millions of dollars of...of damages on the line. So what do you do in that kinda situation?
Dick: I...would never be responsible for that.
Maddox: (mocking) Oh, no! Not... (Dick laughs) ...not Careful Dick!
Dick: That's...that's what would happen. (cracking up)
Maddox: Not Rain Slick Dick! (laughs) That's what I'm gonna call you from now on! Rain Slick Dick. (through giggles)
Dick: (sneering) That's cool. Um...
Maddox: Hittin' immovable objects. (smiling)
Dick: So what? A guy caused...a guy causes, like, a million dollars of damage to all these cars, and...
Maddox: Yeah! I mean, you know, accidents happen, so what do you in that situation?
Dick: (talking over Maddox) I dunno! Then you go to...you go to jail. I guess.
Maddox: I guess!
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Right? So...okay. So the insurance thing -
Dick: (interjects) I'm just saying, I'M getting screwed here.
Maddox: I think there should be...if the government regulates and mandates that we buy car insurance, there should be -
Dick: (interjects) Already a problem.
Maddox: - a LOT of...a lot of oversight on the insurance companies, and there ISN'T. They're charging hand over fist -
Dick: (interjects) No, dude. No oversight! It's too...it's too expensive. Then we're payin' this girl at Stout to go do a job that...they can't do?
Maddox: What the HELL are you talkin' about?
Dick: Having people oversee *anything*?
Maddox: Yeah...
Dick: Like, you know people! (Maddox cracks up) They're incompetent!
Maddox: I do know people. (laughs)
Dick: They can't do anything right! (smiling) Sorry, I...go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: With the oversight thing.
Maddox: No, I... (stammers) There could be potential...there could be oversight. Like, the problem with...with government is lack of accountability. Right? And the, the -
Dick: (interjects) No, I'm not WRITING that. (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: Okay!
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: You don't think -
Dick: (interjects) What are your...
Maddox: You don't think that's...? Alright. Okay, then I'M going to say that a problem with the government is...is lack of accountability.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: And that...uh, by extension, has filtered down to the insurance companies. I've read that the insurance companies, by the way, have SO much money on hand; they have SO much revenue that they could, they could poten-...they could withstand somethin' like 30 Hurricane Katrinas, and not even put a dent -
Dick: (interjects) Really?!
Maddox: Oh, yeah. They're -- it's INSANE how much money they're making. They're just RAKING money in hand over fist.
Dick: You know what? Here's what I would do if I caused a pileup like that: I would have a deal with these guys that gave me the Persian rims, and I'd give them a little bit of money and be like, "Hey, if I ever cause a big pileup, you guys just fix the cars. Go give everybody some new rims." (brief silence) How 'bout that?
Maddox: What, you just...you just -
Dick: (interjects) I would pay them in advance.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like a...dude, you know what I was...you know what I was thinkin'?
Maddox: Hm?
Dick: Okay. So, you pay insurance...to prevent, like, a life-ending, catastrophic financial disaster from happening.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Right? Like that pileup. However -- and that's SMART. It's smart to pay 200 bucks to keep yourself from having to pay 6 million. Right?
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: BUT, it's stupid for some reason to pay a dollar in the hopes of winning the lottery! Which is exactly the same thing! Isn't it?? But in reverse?
Maddox: Hmmm. (inhales thoughtfully) Oh boy, I think you just made the first... (cracks up)
Dick: Isn't that right?? (excited)
Maddox: ...rational argument for a lottery. (amused)
Dick: Is that how this feels, to make a rational argument?
Maddox: I guess!
Dick: It feels gross! (Maddox laughs) I feel like a scumbag! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, I guess! I mean...essentially, you're gambling. That's...that's what the insurance companies are doing too.
Dick: Right?!
Maddox: The insurance companies are making a bet, and they...the house almost always wins in this case. They're making a bet that whatever you're gonna pay, they're gonna pay less. So that -- I mean, otherwise they wouldn't make money. They wouldn't EXIST. If the insurance companies existed to make your life easier, or to pay out anything, I...it's a big threat. It's a big gamble that you're hoping that you're not gonna on the hook for one of those 6 million-dollar accidents.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: However, those are exceedingly rare. So you...you could mitigate your risk, potentially. But what about...what would you say -- again, playing devil's advocate -- what would you say about, um...other insured...other uninsured motorists? So, sometimes you can pay for coverage that will cover for uninsured -
Dick: (interjects) That's code for Mexicans, by the way.
Maddox: Woooow.
Dick: I'm...dude, I'm Mexican! I can say that.
Maddox: Yeah, well...I mean, you are, but you're so white. (chuckles) You're the white -
Dick: (interjects) So, what do I think about uninsured...?
Maddox: Uninsured motorists.
Dick: There's uninsured motorist insurance.
Maddox: Yeah, that's what I'm saying!
Dick: Dude, you know what I...if I get hit by an uninsured motorist?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Whatever! I'll get a new car, 'cause I'll have saved 100 grand not paying insurance!
Maddox: Eh, I guess! I mean, would you actually put that money aside? For car insurance? Or would you just spend it on stuff?
Dick: I have a credit card! I don't care. I'll get a new car.
Maddox: Well... (pensively)
Dick: I have great credit.
Maddox: Well, I guess this is "The World According to Dick!" As long as YOU got it covered, it's not a problem for anyone else. (teasing)
Dick: Yeah!! Yeah!
Maddox: What about people who...who are maxed out on their debt, on their limit? Their credit limits?
Dick: What do you mean? What if...what if THEY need a car?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Fuck 'em! Take the bus! (Maddox scoffs) (laughs)
Maddox: "Fuck 'em, take the bus." (cynical) "Fuck 'em," - comma - "take the bus."
Dick: Take the bus!! (laughing)
Maddox: Your solution. (dryly)
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Dick Masterson for president.
Dick: That's a pretty good problem! (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical) It is a good problem, but not for ANY of the reasons you stated. (cracking up) (Dick laughs) I wish I would've brought it in.
Dick: You gotta see -- I shoulda taken a picture of those rims, man.
Maddox: Yeah...
Dick: Ohh, gosh. (groaning)
Maddox: My next problem...is conspiracy dipshits.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: You know the type. Right? You know...like, everybody has a conspiracy -- they know a conspiracy dipshit. And the newest one, unfortunately, is STILL this fucking 9/11 Truther shit. This guy -- there's this new guy who comes out who's saying that the 9/11...that the planes who hit the... (cracks up) ...World Trade Center -- I can't even say this with a straight face -- were *holograms,* and it was -
Dick: (interjects) Whoa. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, and it was a CGI...it was a CGI glitch on video that you're seeing. Um, the -
Dick: (interjects) Cool!
Maddox: Here's a little -- yeah. Here's a little excerpt from his...from his little conspiracy video. And by the way, this has over 2 MILLION views on YouTube, and it's gaining steam -
Dick: (interjects) I'm gonna go watch it! That sounds awesome!
Maddox: Oh, you don't need to, man. It's...it's fuckin' stupid. Here's an excerpt from it. [plays clip from "100% Proof Holographic Plane" video]
Male Narrator: The second impossibility is in plain sight.
Maddox: [pauses clip] Listen to the...listen to what a, like, nasally nerd this guy is too. Listen to this. [resumes clip]
Male Narrator: In fact, I can't believe it took me over 12 years to see. Let me show you a still of this video. I've highlighted a building that's CLEARLY behind the South World Trade Center Tower.
Maddox: [pauses clip] It's not. It's not, by the way. Salon just wrote an article about it. They showed a Google Maps image. He said it took him 2 seconds to just pull up a picture of New York; the building is CLEARLY in the foreground.
Dick: And he got attention from Salon for doing that?
Maddox: Because it's gaining speed! It's gaining momentum! This guy said that his...one of his friends who's a "Normal" -- quote, a "Normal" -- posted this video.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And his friend is rational, he has a good job, he's not an idiot. And he goes, "When the Normals start to pay attention to us - "
Dick: (interjects) Like me! You're describing me, right?
Maddox: Well... (skeptical) (Dick laughs) Uh...
Dick: Okay, "when the Normals start paying attention..."
Maddox: Yeah, when they start paying attention to this shit, that's when it starts to become a problem. So he just wrote this article about it, about how we ALL have a personal responsibility for debunking this bullshit. So uh, listen to the rest of this clip. Here. [resumes clip]
Dick: 'Kay.
Male Narrator: Yet when we pay close attention to the video, Flight 175's wing should appear in FRONT of the building, not behind it.
Maddox: Wrong. (buzzer sound effect) (Dick laughs)
Male Narrator: This is a layering CGI glitch, and this proves that this video is a CGI rendering, thus it's NOT an amateur witness video.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Male Narrator: It's a fake.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
[clip ends]
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Wrong. IDIOT.
Dick: I get it, I get it.
Maddox: Moron. It's a fake, it's a fake video...so he's suggesting -- like, if you... (stammers) I'm going to...I'm going to -
Dick: (interjects) You're gonna have an aneurysm.
Maddox: (stammers) It's insane, I don't even know where to begin. I'm gonna beg all you conspiracy dipshits who are listening right now -- and by the way, we will lose fans today!
Dick: Why?
Maddox: Because these guys are so staunchly...STUPID that they will...they are so staunch and so ideologically driven that they will refuse and reject ANYTHING that challenges their world view.
Dick: Yeah, but don't they like that? Like, don't they like getting persecuted 'cause it makes them feel more right?
Maddox: They get off on it, but uh...but also, they, they...they're very staunch! Like, they will actually -- you will lose...you will lose people. Um -
Dick: (interjects) And they make you SO mad, though!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause I know you got a problem with these conspiracy guys, like you've written it before. I just feel like...I feel like it's watching an adult beat up a kid, watching you prove them wrong. 'Cause they're...there's something wrong with them. ALL of them. Right?
Maddox: You know what, though? It's... (stammers) If they were just sitting there spouting nonsense, I don't really mind so much. But these guys are, are...insulting the fucking victims. Okay? Let's just look...let's start -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, you're takin' the moral high ground, you a-hole! (cynical)
Maddox: Of course!
Dick: That's not why it pisses you off! Shut up! (smiling)
Maddox: Of course! That's ONE of the reasons!
Dick: Sh-...okay. (sneering)
Maddox: No! No, of course. Come on.
Dick: I'm...that's probably like Reason 47 on the list.
Maddox: Get outta here. You don't even know. (Dick laughs) No, it's insulting the victims. They don't have an explanation -- they have an explanation for the hologram technology and the CGI glitch that supposedly took place, right? And this video has been propagated to EVERY news outlet in the WORLD, and they all simultaneously agreed to air the same fucking video on the same date, with NOBODY talking about it, no leaks, no -- like, this is the best-kept secret in the universe!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They can't even keep fucking Pentagon secrets, they can't even keep the NSA secret, and then yet, this is the best-kept secret in all the world, in all the universe! Every single news outlet simultaneously aired this, and they can't even BEGIN to explain what happened to the victims who died that day. Where are they?? Huh, asshole? You wanna go tell that to somebody who lost a family member? That "Oh, hey, it was a hologram. Your family member's alive."
Dick: Maybe the FAMILY'S a hologram. (slyly) (Maddox bursts out laughing) Maybe we're all a hologram!
Maddox: Again, conspiracy dipshits. You're one of them. (Dick laughs) Uh...
Dick: No, I...I do find them entertaining, they don't anger me like they anger you.
Maddox: You know -- okay. Well, so that one...and that one actually does anger me. Um, one of the worst -
Dick: (interjects) They all anger you. Get outta here.
Maddox: Ehh, no. I mean, there's some REALLY crazy ones out there that, uh...you know, they're not harming anyone, but they're fucking BONKERS. Like the Hollow Earth theorists? Have you ever heard of these people? Or the Reptilian, uh, conspiracy theorists?
Dick: Yeah! Yeah, I've heard of those guys.
Maddox: They're people who believe that the earth is hollow! And that there's another culture, there's another civilization that lives inside the earth.
Dick: Does it really bug you about the victims? Is that really what bugs you the most about it?
Maddox: Absolutely, because it's a big "fuck you" to them.
Dick: (hesitantly) Yeah...I don't know.
Maddox: Absolutely.
Dick: I'm lookin' at you and I'm tryin' to get a...I'm tryin' to get a read on you to see if that's the real reason. That's the real reason why?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Okay! Alright.
Maddox: Absolutely! Absolutely. Because ultimately, that's what...and you know, if it's not hurting anybody, I don't give a shit. It also pissed me off with the Boston Marathon bombing, when everybody was speculating about the government doing it, or the mercenary groups doing it, or Blackwater, whoever it was.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That pissed me off too! Because again, there are actual real-life victims who are suffering right now, while you dickheads are sittin' there on your fuckin', uh, forums, coming up with these INANE theories.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So. But you know, then there's the...then there's the, um, the less offensive ones. The ones that -- like, have you heard of the Raelians? You know who the Raelians are?
Dick: Yeah, I've uh...I've MET a Raelian. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Well...
Dick: That's real. I really did. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah. Well, according to the Raelians, we all have. There's actually a video on YouTube -- and this is not just a video, it's a website, and it's a movement; they're trying to actually create, um...an embassy for the Raelians to come visit Earth!
Dick: Isn't it crazy how otherwise normal...how many otherwise normal people believe this shit?
Maddox: Oh, yeah!
Dick: Like, you'll talk to 'em -- you'll know 'em for like, a long time, and all of a sudden they'll be like, "Well, yeah! It's because they're Raelian." You'll be like, "Uh, I'm sorry. Excuse me? What was that part about the Raelians?"
Maddox: Yup! Out of nowhere one day they're just 'poo poo, pee pee,' bonkers. (cracks up)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Like, it's just...nothing. Nothin'.
Dick: It could be anyone!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It...YOU might even...I've known you for a long time, and maybe *you've* got a conspiracy thing in there.
Maddox: Well, let's not speculate. (both laugh) Uh, I have this video from...this is an excerpt from the video where they're asking people to build an embassy.
Dick: M'kay.
Maddox: This is the introduction about what Raelians are. [plays clip from Raelian Embassy video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bW805IZVSt4]
Female Narrator: Hundreds of thousands of people around the world believe, as all Raelians do...
Dick: Oh.
Female Narrator: ...that we were created by advanced scientists from another planet who made us in their image.
Dick: That could be!
Maddox: Sure! (laughing)
Dick: You don't know that!
Female Narrator: These extraterrestrial creators, mentioned in the Bible as the Elohim, have continued throughout history to monitor our progress.
[clip ends]
Dick: Cool!
Maddox: Yeah. They're just sittin' there watching us. They're just monitoring us. Like, "Oh, what are the humans up to? Oh, fuckin' around? They're, they're..." (cracks up) "2 Girls 1 Cup? Alright, cool."
Dick: Cool!
Maddox: "We'll check in..." (laughing) "We'll check in in a couple of years."
Dick: I mean, that's what I do all day, pretty much monitor everybody! Like on YouTube, I'm like, "What's this guy doin' over here? Alright."
Maddox: Yeah. Like a creeper. Okay, what is the number one motive for most people? Well, other than...other than getting -
Dick: Getting blowjobs! That's what it is. (grinning)
Maddox: - other than getting blowjobs. Uh, you know what? You're not gonna give me the right answer. It's money. I'm just gonna say... (both laugh)
Dick: Money! Money is an abstraction to get blowjobs.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, there you go. Uh...which, actually, I'm kinda on board with.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: How, uh -
Dick: (interjects) So why, you think all these people are tryin' to dupe people out of money?
Maddox: Well, listen to what their end game here is. This is the Raelians. This is their -- they're sayin' this is the incentive you have to build an embassy in your country. [plays second clip from Raelian Embassy video]
Female Narrator: The country granting the necessary extraterritoriality and authorization for the embassy to be built within its territory will not only benefit financially, but enjoy the protection of the Elohim. It will become the spiritual and scientific center of the planet for millennia to come (Maddox snickers) and happiness will prevail within its borders. This can be YOUR country.
[clip ends]
(Maddox giggles quietly)
Dick: Cool! Isn't that the same pitch that they gave for the atomic bomb? Like, "If we pursue this technology we'll be safe," and...
Maddox: Yeah, it sounds like when she was talking she couldn't even keep a straight face. (cracks up)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Like, "We don't believe this horseshit."
Dick: So why is this a big problem to you? 'Cause this is very different than...like, you can't claim that 'victims' shit for this.
Maddox: No. There's no victims for this. Except for the -- actually, there are! The financial suckers who are put on the line.
Dick: Eh, f-...
Maddox: So they're bilking people out of money for this.
Dick: Fuck them. They didn't need...what are they gonna do with that money?
Maddox: Come on. These are sick people who need that money for medication. (cracks up) Right? Essentially.
Dick: Why do you -- seriously, why, what...what is the problem with these guys? To you?
Maddox: It's dishonest! They're looking for money to build this embassy. They're...the embassy's never gonna fuckin' be built! (laughing) It's not an embassy, it's not a thing! (Dick sighs) It's just a bullshit CGI video and a website with a WordPress front end. Like, it's just some bullshit website; they're just tryin' to bilk people outta money. They're sc-...they're con artists.
Dick: So, those people giving the money...like, you see them give the money, you tell them it's dumb, they still do it. Don't they get a big kick -- it's like goin' to Disneyland for them. People getting bilked, as you claim?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: They're getting something out of it.
Maddox: No, 'cause I'll tell you what. I know people in real life who...who are very susceptible to conspiracies, and they get very worked up and they're very emotional, to the point where they become...they get -- they start to develop a mental illness. They feel very conspiratorial, they feel like everybody's watching them all the time, and it's...it's uh, it starts to interfere with their day-to-day functions. Their day-to-day lives. Like, they tend to not go outside the house, and they might be constantly paying attention to someone that, you know, might be following them or listening in on their conversations. It makes them sick and paranoid! It is actually causing real-world problems to people who get really, uh, wrapped up in this stuff.
Dick: Well, that's true.
Maddox: These things. Uh, one of the worst -
Dick: (interjects) Look at you, lookin' out for all these people that need protecting. (smiling)
Maddox: Hero!
Dick: Here comes Maddox!
Maddox: That's right, hero.
Dick: (parodying Maddox) "Don't get duped! Stop right there!!" (Maddox laughs) "They don't need an embassy! I'll save your money." (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, give me your money, I'll take care of it. Uh, one of the worst...one of the worst offenders of this is Alex Jones. You know who Alex Jones is?
Dick: Is he the guy that flipped out on Piers Morgan?
Maddox: That's the guy!
Dick: That was a GREAT interview, man.
Maddox: He's an idiot. He's a hothead idiot.
Dick: That was a great clip, though. Come on, give the guy THAT.
Maddox: Oh, it was a great clip...
Dick: Yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: ...not for the reasons he thought. Um, there's a video on YouTube that's "42 Stupid Alex Jones Predictions," and... [ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZwURLwd8pEA]
Dick: We don't -
Maddox: ...that are false.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: These are predictions he's made. He ALWAYS makes predictions that are ALWAYS wrong. He's a fucking blowhard.
Dick: He should do what, uh, Stephen Hawking does and just predict 'em 1,000 years out in the future so they could never be wrong.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Well, he's not that smart. (Dick smirks) Uh, here's one of his predictions: he made this in February of 2010, I believe. [ plays clip from Alex Jones predictions video]
(dramatic background music)
Alex Jones: In the next 16 months -- this is what they're planning right now -- they're gonna bring in a new total financial collapse, they're gonna bring down at least 15 European nations...
[clip ends]
Maddox: 15! 15 European nations. (chuckling) (buzzer sound effect) Wrong. Never happened.
Dick: So...okay. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. It's fulla shit! And of course, I argued with these dipshits -- actually, some of 'em were on my fan forums for a long time.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They were arguing that Alex Jones was correct, and that all these conspiracies were gonna happen. None of it ever happened. Here's another one. [ plays second clip from Alex Jones predictions video]
Alex Jones: I want you to listen carefully. In the next 2 years, they're gonna devalue your currency by at least 50 percent.
Dick: Ohh.
Alex Jones: You're so STUPID when the government tells you it's not devalued, you still won't know it's devalued.
[clip ends]
Dick: I'm stupid??
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Also? Man, well, I gotta buy this guy's book! (cracks up) Or whatever...what is he sellin'?
Maddox: There you go! (laughing)
Dick: So, lemme ask you something. Um, do you find...do you think that this stuff is different than, like, religions? Like a, like a...normal religion? Like giving money to these con artists is different than giving money to like, an established religion?
Maddox: Well, it's a little different in the function. Like, these guys aren't, um...they're not telling you that...well, I dunno. I -
Dick: (interjects) These guys are just tryin' to make you panicked. I would say religion probably isn't. Probably tryin' to get you to chill out.
Maddox: Yeah. (unsure)
Dick: Relax, have a better day.
Maddox: Yeah, probably. I mean, at...at least most religions have some message of peace, some message of, "Hey, do good will towards your fellow man." Plus there's Christmas, which is fun.
Dick: Man, we're...
Maddox: (interjects) Conspiracy theorists -- if they had a Christmas...
Dick: ...a couple of great, kindhearted guys.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: That's what this podcast is all about. (cracking a grin) Protecting people...
Maddox: Warmhearted.
Dick: ...protecting people's tables...
Maddox: Mmhm.
Dick: ...protecting people's money.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What was your first problem?
Maddox: Marriage.
Dick: Protecting people's...
Maddox: Sanity.
Dick: ...getting blowjobs?
Maddox: They're, they're -- protecting people's...(cracks up)
Dick: Sanity?
Maddox: Uh...uh, non-celibacy. Their ability to get laid. Which diminishes significantly when you get married.
Dick: I don't know that that's true, but I doubt it, man.
Maddox: I know very few people...actually I only know one couple of mine who are married -- one couple friend, uh, that I know -- who are probably having regular sex, and it's because they're both really hot. They're just, like, really hot people, and I just figured, "Ehh, yeah, they're probably bangin' all the time." But other than that, I just can't picture very many of my married friends...banging.
Dick: Oh, they do.
Maddox: Ever. No! (scoffing)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No way! How do you know??
Dick: I think they do.
Maddox: You don't know!
Dick: Well, so they'd be together. (Maddox snorts)
Maddox: 'Cause they -- yeah, 'cause it's a pain in the ass to get divorced!
Dick: 'Cause it's expensive to get divorced? Yeah.
Maddox: It's expensive to get divorced and we're in a recession.
Dick: Eh, you're right.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Alright. Uh, you got any more for conspiracy theories?
Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) Uh, nah. That's...you know, I got the Raelian shit.
Dick: It really bugs you when people get taken advantage of, doesn't it?
Maddox: Of course!
Dick: Like that.
Maddox: Oh, I do actually have one! There's one about the 'giant' conspiracy? Have you, you've...I think you've heard of this, I sent you a video a while back.
Dick: There's giants??
Maddox: Oh yeah, these people believe that there's giants, and there's a huge coverup!
Dick: Let's hear it.
Maddox: Listen to this one. [plays clip from documentary on giants]
(mystical-sounding background music)
Male Narrator: A local legend says the temple was built by the giantess Sansuna.
Dick: Why does it sound like Lord of the Rings? Like, why are...?
Maddox: [pauses clip] This is from, like, a documentary. They're trying to make it sound more legitimate than it actually is.
Dick: They failed.
Maddox: Yeah! (laughs) Yeah. [resumes clip]
Male Interviewee: The blocks are so huge, so heavy, that no normal human being could have moved it.
[clip ends]
Maddox: "These stones were so huge, no *normal* human being could have moved it." (mocking) So -
Dick: (interjects) I wish I could play that clip every time I unzipped my fly. (cracking up) (Maddox giggles) It's like, that guy: "These stones are so huge, no normal human being could lift them."
Maddox: Oh, man. I'm sure they could use that mud, or whatever the Egyptians used for their stones. Which, by the way, is...is, you know, a very simple, reasonable explanation for how the pyramids got built. They, you know, they just wet the sand and they just pulled heavy stones across it. (chuckling) No normal human could've moved it, except for the Egyptians with wet sand.
Dick: Or...it could've been aliens!
Maddox: Or giants.
Dick: They were all in the same latitude of the earth!
Maddox: Maybe it was a... (laughs)
Dick: That's weird!
Maddox: Maybe it was Alex Jones with the sheer power of the...of the bullshit coming out of his mouth.
Dick: Eh.
Maddox: The sheer force. The shockwave of bullshit coming out of his mouth.
Dick: Alright. What do we got?
Maddox: So again, uh -
Dick: (interjects) Let's have another Dick victory this week.
Maddox: No. (annoyed)
Dick: Yeeeah!! (gloating)
Maddox: No Dick victories.
Dick: Yeeeheheheahh!
Maddox: We don't need to, we don't... (cracks up)
Dick: I'm the Alex Jones to your Pierce Morgan, dude! (grinning) (Maddox laughs loudly) You LOSE! I embarrass your shit online, yes!! (laughs)
Maddox: Oh, if you think that's how that went down, then yes, absolutely. Absolutely.
Dick: It was great!
Maddox: Yeah, well, it was great, but it was great *theater.* That's all it was.
Dick: Yeah!!
Maddox: Alright. Let's not reward Slick Dick over here with... (cracks up)
Dick: My problems were...Table Nazis and Car Insurance.
Maddox: And my problems were Marriage and Conspiracy Dipshits.
Dick: I have a feeling Marriage is gonna win.
Maddox: Marriage IS gonna win.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: It's a huge problem. Anyway. (closing riff starts) That's it for this time. Until next time, check out http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Don't forget to vote! Thanks.
Dick: See ya.
(closing riff)