The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 4

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy! Happy to be here! With you!

Maddox: Happy times.

Dick: So happy. (Maddox laughs) SO happy. I forgot how *happy* it makes me to talk to you.

Maddox: (chuckling) Are you sure?

Dick: For an hour.

Maddox: It doesn't SEEM like you're happy.

Dick: (sighs) Ahh! There should be a pre-podcast for this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The Biggest Problem in the Universe. Like, the hour leading up to it...

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: ...with the pains in the ass...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...and the fumbling around with sound effects and papers.

Maddox: Well, you know. What Dick's referring to is we had a false start because everything doesn't work. We have the exact same setup week after week and suddenly everything stops working. So, let's go to the board. Let's just get right to it. Right? Uh -

Dick: (interjects) I wanna know how you're doin'!

Maddox: I'm doin' great!

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Doin' good, yeah!

Dick: Let's get to the board. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Got a new pop filter. So if you guys notice an appreciable increase in the fidelity of this podcast, it's because I spent 6 dollars on Amazon.

Dick: It's not because of Sean, our audio engineer?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Who works...

Maddox: Mm-mm.

Dick: make the show as good as he can?

Maddox: Ehh...I mean, I'd say that's like 3 percent of the audio fidelity. The rest -

Dick: (interjects) And you're 110 percent. Right? (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: 110 pop filter from Amazon.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Let's check the board. (Maddox laughs) We had a great set of problems last week. Um, I can't wait to see -- I think I have a good chance of winning this one.

Maddox: Yeah? Alright!

Dick: Yeah. With Tesla. Because everyone hates those stupid electric cars. That's what I'm predicting.

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: Over all the other ones, it's gonna be Tesla.

Maddox: You wanna put a wager on this?

Dick: Yeah! If I lose, I get to punch you right in the mouth. (Maddox giggles) That's what I'm wagering.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: And if you win...

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: ...what do you want?

Maddox: I get to punch you right in the dick.

Dick: That means...

Maddox: That means I gotta get -

Dick: (interjects) I'm confused.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I confused myself.

Maddox: I gotta get a monocle. Alright.

Dick: Who won?

Maddox: That's what that means. (cracks up) (Sean laughs in the background) Uh...alright, let's start. Back to the board. Last week, the number one problem from the problems we had last week was Other N-Words. (Dick sighs in disappointment) That's right! People think this is a big problem!

Dick: You know what? Um, speaking of other N-words, did you see Jonah Hill getting busted?

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: For using the F-bomb...

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...the slur for gay people?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Oh god, I love that.

Maddox: And he went on this apology tour. And here's the thing: I don't...nobody believes he's a homophobe!

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: No one... (stammers) No one in their right mind believes he's a homophobe! Of course, like, these guys goaded him and they got the clip out of it, and they're making millions of dollars off of Jonah Hill's suffering and misery.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Nobody believes he's -- you know, Jonah Hill, stop apologizing, we don't...nobody -

Dick: (interjects) We don't believe the apology either! (Maddox laughs) Like, this LAME ASS apology these celebrities come out with!! Like, "Oh, you know...oh god, I would never say that!" (dopey voice) Like yeah, you obviously do say it.

Maddox: Well, yeah.

Dick: You obviously say it all the time when you're pissed off. (grinning)

Maddox: You said it.

Dick: You just messed up.

Maddox: Right, well...and of course, like, who cares? I mean, he's not, he's not...he's not a homophobe. Like he's not an a-...he's not a bigot.

Dick: Well, I mean, I don't KNOW him. I...I don't know, he *might* be.

Maddox: He's not a bigot, dude. Come on. That guy's not a bigot.

Dick: Why "come on"? 'Cause he's famous? I don't know that he's not a bigot!

Maddox: No, 'cause he's just like, a know, he just...he doesn't, he's not -

Dick: (interjects) I don't CARE if he is either way, 'cause...what does doesn't affect me at all! I'm just saying, I don't know that he's not!

Maddox: I can't say I disagree with that. Alright. Number two on the list is Everyone Needs to Lose 20 Pounds!

Dick: YES!!

Maddox: Hey! (cheerfully)

Dick: Second place, man!

Maddox: Yeah, second place!

Dick: Second place.

Maddox: This is the first time!

Dick: First loser!

Maddox: First... (cracks up)

Dick: I'm number one at being the loser this week. (smiling)

Maddox: Hey, that means you're still number one.

Dick: Um...

Maddox: According to my book! I actually wrote about that in The Alphabet of Manliness.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Number two is awesome! Yeah! Second place is awesome.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: I'm a number two New York Times bestseller.

Dick: Are you really?

Maddox: You bet!

Dick: Oh, alright!

Maddox: Number two!

Dick: So we're both number one losers.

Maddox: Number one losers. (smiling) Uh, then comes Monkeys...some people thought this was a problem!

Dick: How many votes did that stupid problem get? (annoyed)

Maddox: 6 votes!

Dick: 6 votes. (grumbling)

Maddox: 6 votes. Well, dead last came Tesla. (Dick sighs) You lose... (breaks down laughing)

Dick: That's...not a surprise.

Maddox: Yeah. (amused)

Dick: How many negative votes did that get?

Maddox: -132.

Dick: That's a record!

Maddox: That...may be a record! That actually might be the lowest problem on the list. Actually, I think the last time I checked it was Maddox, another problem that you brought in during the first episode.

Dick: I feel like people are not listening to my compelling arguments about why these are big problems.

Maddox: Oh no, wait! Actually, you're right! That is a new record. Uh, that is THE lowest problem on the list, Tesla. On the overall all-time record of lists...uh, record of problems.

Dick: That's two wins for me this week, dude!

Maddox: Eh, that's not a... (cracks up)

Dick: One win for you, two wins for me. That's more wins! I win! (smiling)

Maddox: What?! (chuckles) That's not...what are you even talkin' about? That's not a win. Um...and besides, all I ever do is win. We have a couple of comments on the board...which uh, you know, your favorite, Dick. 'Cause they're usually -

Dick: (interjects) No, I hate comments.

Maddox: Yeah, I know.

Dick: I don't read them.

Maddox: I know. 'Cause they're usually, they're...'cause they're usually saying -

Dick: (interjects) No, let me tell you why I don't read comments.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Because if you read the comment?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: They win. Like, all they wanted to do was waste your time by writing garbage. So if you read it, they wasted your time and they win. If you don't read the comment, then YOU win!

Maddox: Okay. Let me read you this comment, and you tell me whether it's a waste of time or not.

Dick: Okay. YES.

Maddox: This is from Christian... (laughs) This is from Christian. He says, "Eating monkeys causes prions disease and probably the origin of HIV."

Dick: Is that true? Probably, right?

Maddox: It doesn't cause HIV to eat a monkey. But I think what he's trying to say ham-fistedly is that eating monkeys causes prions disease. Maybe, I don't know. I haven't looked it up. And he's also trying to say that they're also probably the origin of HIV, which is actually true.

Dick: Oh, I see what you're doing here. You wanted to mention last forgot to mention that monkeys cause HIV, so now you picked a comment so you can work in your reasons why monkeys suck. I see what's goin' on here.

Maddox: Yeah. Whatever.

Dick: Very clever! (grinning)

Maddox: Uh-huh. (laughs)

Dick: Very clever, what he's doing here!

Maddox: You saw RIGHT through me.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Whatever!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Monkey lover. (Dick laughs) (monkeys whooping sound effect) Great. Make out with your stupid monkeys.

Dick: What's the next comment?

Maddox: Next comment. This is another guy piling on to the cacophony of, uh, of interruption! He's uh, Horatio -- or Horatiu...I think it's Horatiu, is the guy's name. He says, "Jesus Dick, just shut the fuck up. You're yapping worse than a woman. Let the fucking man speak his idea, then go on blabbering." What do you have to say to Horatiu?

Dick: Um...

Maddox: He's a software developer!

Dick: ...does his mom know that he's using these obscenities on the Internet?

Maddox: Well, Horatiu? Does she?

Dick: No, I get...look, if you wanna talk like you're passing a baton back and forth, uh, run for office.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles) Alright.

Dick: I guess. That's just not how I talk. Sorry.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Sorry that it bothers everyone so much that I interrupt your precious train of thought. (derisively)

Maddox: Mmm. (skeptical) Yeah, well, then the other comment we have is, uh, is somebody defending the Family -- they say they don't understand how you have a problem with the concept of a family being a problem. Because if you think about it, the family is the base unit of society, and -

Dick: (interjects) Of pretty much everything that we know.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So if that's bad, then you have bad people. It's like the root problem of...pretty much everything!

Dick: So you just cherry-picked comments -

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: - that prove what you're saying is right?

Maddox: Of course! (amused) Yeah!

Dick: To re-argue something you *already* argued.

Maddox: Correct.

Dick: Again, I'm so thrilled to be here with you. (Maddox laughs) So typical of a Maddox conversation. So, what, he's -- he's saying that families are...

Maddox: Yes! Right.

Dick: blame for everything in society? All of society's ills?

Maddox: Yeah. You know, Dick, YOU could also cherry-pick your own comments and bring them in.

Dick: Then they win! (Maddox stammers) They win!

Maddox: They're not terrorists!! This is not...terrorism. (smiling)

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: I mean... (cracks up) Okay.

Dick: I'm not reading them.

Maddox: Okay! Well -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I have new problems to get through, man! Out with the old, in with the new!

Maddox: Let's get to it.

Dick: Um, my first problem. And I think, I want...I want you guys to explain to me why it's SO fun to screw with me while I'm trying to talk to a beautiful lady. What is it about me that makes it so delightful to *fuck* with me while I'm trying to get laid?

Maddox: Wait wait, is this, uh...what's your that your problem?

Dick: I'm getting to it.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: The problem is...the problem is guys who need to get laid.

Maddox: I agree -- guys who need to get laid, I agree! I was actually just talkin' about this this weekend!

Dick: Yeah. Well, I was LIVING it this weekend. know him. A friend of ours who looks like Baby Huey?

Maddox: Okay. I know EXACTLY who you're talkin' about.

Dick: You know who I'm talking about?

Maddox: Yeah. This guy looks...he's like a giant...

Dick: Doofus.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) Well...he does look like a big baby. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah! So, um, the guy needs to get laid. He gets drunker than hell, and he proceeds to go on a...a campaign of game-ruining (Maddox snickers) against ME, talking to this hot girl. This is -- and this is literally what happened. Okay? I'm at the point in the conversation where I'm like...where I say -- the words come out of my mouth, "So what's your dad like?"

Maddox: What??

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Wait wait, you were asking the girl "what's your dad like"?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Ohh, boy.

Dick: You gotta know!

Maddox: Whoaaa boy. (groaning)

Dick: You gotta get right into the dad stuff. (smiling)

Maddox: No.

Dick: Yeah! Sean's givin' me a thumbs up!

Maddox: No, Sean!

Dick: This isn't...yeah!

Maddox: Two single guys -- two single idiots say... (stammers) You think this is good game? You think you should talk about the girl's dad? (incredulous)

Dick: Uhh, yeah!

Maddox: 'Cause guess what?? If the girl's dad's an abuser or not in the picture, she's suddenly depressed.

Dick: And she wants to BANG. (Maddox giggles hysterically) She wants to bang that depression right out of her system. That's how it works.

Maddox: You are so hopeless! (Dick laughs) This is...

Dick: What?! (screeching) How is that hopeless??

Maddox: 'Cause you want a girlfriend potentially, and this're just gonna get these busted-ass women!

Dick: Look, want...whatever I want is irrelevant. I'll take what I can GET.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles more)

Dick: And that's what...what I'm getting is a conversation that's very naturally and very smoothly leading to, "Oh yeah? So what's your dad like?"

Maddox: M'kay. (about to laugh)

Dick: Then, suddenly, this dummy lumbers over...

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: ...reeking of day drinking...

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs more)

Dick: ...uh, and immediately starts salting the earth! That's my problem with this. Okay? This is my whole problem with the thing.

Maddox: 'Kay.

Dick: Guys who need to get laid just walk around all day and night, salting the earth so no one gets laid. (Maddox inhales thoughtfully) They're like zombies! Like, they multiply. They don't get laid, so then NOBODY gets laid. (Maddox cracks up) And then nobody's getting laid, what's a bigger problem than that?! That's a HUGE problem! (yelling hysterically)

Maddox: Oh my god. Alright. Where do we even start here? First of all, this guy in particular that we're talkin' about -- Baby Huey, we'll call him -- um, he doesn't care. His modus operandi in life is just to have fun. He doesn't give a shit. I was actually with...I was actually with him just this last weekend at a strip club for a bachelor party!

Dick: Did anyone get a lap dance in that strip club or did he ruin everyone's...?

Maddox: Yeah! Bunch of people got lap dances.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I mean, I...I guess. I didn't see anything, I don't know any names, I don't know anyone. But people may have gotten lap dances.

Dick: (chuckling) What's...what is that?

Maddox: I dunno.

Dick: Is that like a...

Maddox: It's the bro code. (Dick giggles) The bro code!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So, anyway. And Baby Huey actually did get a couple lap dances! But we were at the strip club, we were sittin' at the front, and know, whatever, fuckin'...who cares. Strip clubs are weird, I'm not a fan. I'll just go there -

Dick: (interjects) Really?!

Maddox: Yeah! I'm not a fan. What do you do at strip clubs? I don't MIND, I'll go! I'm not OPPOSED to them.

Dick: Here's -- okay. Here's...let me give you a tip on how to enjoy strip clubs more. 'Cause I *love* strip clubs.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I really do.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Um, you try to get stuff for free.

Maddox: Yeah, well that's exactly what I did!

Dick: How is that...that's great! That's fun!

Maddox: It was great, I didn't spend a single dollar all night! It was...except for the fucking drinks I didn't know were 20 -- uh, 10 dollars a bottle of water. That's not bullshit, they were charging 10 dollars!

Dick: Who's drinkin' WATER at a strip club?? What are you, on a health regimen? What are you...

Maddox: No, I was drinking alcohol, but some of the other people were sayin'...

Dick: Were drinking water?

Maddox: I said, "Hey, what do you want?" And they said, "Just get me a water," so I would go up and they'd give me a bottle of water; 10 dollars.

Dick: I think that's a bigger bro code violation than saying somebody went to a strip club, saying they got WATER at a strip club. That's...weak!

Maddox: No, 'cause they...they getcha drunk, and that's how they rope you along. "Oh hey, how 'bout a lap dance, big boy? Let me...let's go back in the champagne room." (sexy voice) Which is bullshit. But I didn't pay a single dime the entire night. So, anyway. We're sitting at the stage, and -

Dick: (interjects) That's how they rope you in. All these naked broads (Maddox laughs) get you drunk, and then get naked on you and dance. That's how they SCAM you, Sean. That's what I'm learning here. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Go ahead. So what did Baby Huey do?

Maddox: Yeah, you'll leave a couple hundred dollars lighter. With...

Dick: Eh, whatever.

Maddox: ...with blue balls.

Dick: They need it!!

Maddox: Enjoy it.

Dick: Those girls need it, dude! They got no other skills!

Maddox: *I* need it! Oh, come -- oh, wooow! No other skills! (jeering) That is -

Dick: Oh, you think they like to be there?? If one of them...if they could type, they would not be at a strip club.

Maddox: Oh my -- wow, that is unbelievable! That is egregious.

Dick: Why?!

Maddox: I have stripper friends! They, they...some of my stripper friends strip because they LIKE it. It's a fun job for them.

Dick: Ohokay. (disdainful)

Maddox: Some of 'em don't. Some of 'em have, like, kids and bills and shit like that, but some of 'em strip because they like it! Yeah, it's -

Dick: (interjects) Absolutely false.

Maddox: Okay. (cracks up)

Dick: That's RIDICULOUS. What else do...are they tryin' to sell you a bridge, too? That's not true. They're just sayin' that to...

Maddox: Yes, Dad.

Dick: ...'cause they feel bad.

Maddox: Yeah. (amused) Yeah, they're tryin' to sell me a bridge. Uh...anyway. So, we're sitting at the stage...yeah, lemme finish this. We're sitting at the stage, me and Baby Huey...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...and this girl's dancing. She starts...she starts twerking.

Dick: How, how uh...what did she look like?

Maddox: Hot.

Dick: I mean, you know, what was...what was her ethnicity?

Maddox: Big thighs. (Dick cracks up)

Dick: What did she look like? "Hot"?? "She had big THIGHS"?

Maddox: Big thighs. (sexy tone)

Dick: That's the order you go in?!

Maddox: Sexy...'cause I'm getting to -- I'm telling you as I recall this moment. The thing -

Dick: (interjects) You like big thighs! (surprised)

Maddox: No, the thing I was looking at was her thighs because her...she was bent over doggy-style in front of us. So, you know, that's her thing!

Dick: Alright, alright.

Maddox: Well, okay. Well, you asked for the details! Don't "alright" me! So she's sittin' there dancing, she's doin' the twerk. She's doin' the butt clap. And... (cracking up)

Dick: Oh, that's a good move.

Maddox: Yeah, it's a good move!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And Baby Huey goes, "Uh, it's not that impressive. I could do it." (deep voice) (both laugh)

Dick: Augh!! Salting...dumping salt allll over the stage.

Maddox: No! It's BRILLIANT, because the girl started laughing. She stopped dancing, she started laughing, and then...and then doubled over, and she turned around and she goes, "I like you guys. I wanna talk and come hang out." And she did after she got offstage! She came and hung out with us. And guess what? Instead of getting some, like, transaction with a stripper, suddenly she's sittin' next to us broing out with us! Like, who cares?

Dick: How is it weird??

Maddox: (stammers) Like, know -

Dick: (interjects) Are you one of those...are you, like, you think it's weird to pay a stripper to do something?

Maddox: I don't -

Dick: (interjects) Do you not like that? 'Cause I -- that's part of the fun for me. Like the fact that I'm paying for it, I like even more than *getting* it.

Maddox: No, that's, that's...that's weak sauce. I don't pay for sex. I just don't!

Dick: (chuckling) It's not SEX, it's just dancin' around!

Maddox: Any kind -- no, it's just, it's whatever. I don't want there to be a money thing.

Dick: What do you mean, "you don't pay for sex"?! Yeah, you do!

Maddox: Eh, okay. (dismissively)

Dick: Everybody does!!

Maddox: Well, the long con, sure. But I'm not gonna pay for it outright. I'm not gonna say, "Oh yeah, you wanna sit on my junk and grind and gimme a lap dance? Here's 20 dollars." That's vul-...that's vulgar!

Dick: Yeah, that sounds like a good deal!

Maddox: No, that... (breaks down laughing)

Dick: That's vulgar??

Maddox: That's vulgar! Yeah!

Dick: Oh boy, oh boy. (grinning)

Maddox: It's vulgar. Yeah!

Dick: Look at YOU! Prince Charming over here!

Maddox: I am! (smiling)

Dick: Doesn't pay for sex -

Maddox: I don't!

Dick: - 'cause he respects strippers SO much.

Maddox: No no no, it's not out of respect! 'Cause I don't DISRESPECT them. I don't disrespect what they do, I mean, it's fine!

Dick: Look, if you don't disrespect them, then you respect them.

Maddox: Uh, yeah! Sure.

Dick: So profound, it has blown your mind. (cracking up)

Maddox: No, I didn't...anyway. So uh, yeah! So she -- instead of paying for these strippers to give us a lap dance and there's this weird transaction, then we're like...these gardeners and these landscapers who were in there. (laughs) Like, tryin' to get their -

Dick: (interjects) Excuse me?

Maddox: It's most...most of the clientele, uh, at some of these strip clubs are just like, land--

Dick: (interjects) Gardeners and landscapers.

Maddox: They're just...mostly gardeners and landscapers! (chuckling)

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: So rather than lookin' like them with our -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's...that's weird! What are do you know? Are they in like, their...did they bring trash bags full of lawn trimmings inside with them? (Maddox laughs) How do you know they're gardeners and landscapers? (chuckling)

Maddox: Eh, you know. They're comin' in with their weed whackers. (smiling) I don't know, they just look know. They've done some hard labor.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Yeah. They're kinda rough men.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. So anyway, the salting the earth thing, it -

Dick: (interjects) And they're all gardeners...rough men are all gardeners and landscapers.

Maddox: No, sometimes they drive trucks!

Dick: Okay. Sorry. So what did he do? So what did you do?

Maddox: Just hung out with this...with a couple chicks all night! And they just came and sat and talked to us, and it was awesome. And then, you know, when they were...when it was goin' to time for them to make money, they went to find some...bozo (cracks up) who was willing -

Dick: (interjects) Like me!

Maddox: Yeah, some -- like you! "Oh, there's a...there's a mark! There's a sucker, let's go get some money out of his pockets."

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Meanwhile, who's gettin' a lap dance? Me. You guys are talkin' about their problems.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't...

Dick: Who's the sucker? Who's the real sucker here? You.

Maddox: We're not talkin' about problems, we were talkin' about video games.

Dick: Well, I mean, you got Baby Huey on a good night then.

Maddox: He was great! (smiling)

Dick: 'Cause he was,, he tried multiple assaults on my game. And finally the chick told him to buzz off...

Maddox: Wow!

Dick: ...the third time. That's how I knew I *really*...had somethin' goin'!

Maddox: She's like, "Hey...hey, buzz off, I gotta talk to him about my dad. This really depressing story about my dad." (Dick laughs) And by the way -

Dick: (interjects) I can't believe you think that's weird!

Maddox: It's a not -- that's a terrible question to ask.

Dick: Maddox, that's my...that's a standard play in my game!

Maddox: Oh, I know!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah! Eternally single. That's you. 'Cause you -- 'cause that's your standard -

Dick: (interjects) How is that a bad thing?!

Maddox: Uhh...well, yeah, you got me there.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're crazy if you don't think the daddy issues are, like...a never ending gift to guys. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs) Like's a gift that keeps on givin', man.

Maddox: You're sick, man! What... (stammers) ...what do you hope to get out of that, other than potentially laid with a broken woman? Like, you need to calcul--

Dick: (interjects) Yeah! No, that's the...goal!

Maddox: Oh, that's it. That's your goal. Okay. (amused)

Dick: So, look. That's my problem, Guys Who Need to Get Laid. Uh...they just, they make everything worse, they cause fights all the time...same guy that I'm talkin' about has just walked around clubs running into guys, 'cause he can't bang a GIRL. (Maddox smirks) He can't get laid with a girl, he's like, "Well, I'm gonna touch somebody, so it might as well be a guy." (Maddox laughs quietly to himself)

Maddox: Uh, it sounds hilarious.

Dick: You're laughing 'cause it's true!

Maddox: (stammers) I...this is hilarious.

Dick: Listen, you know what? I was dating this girl for a while, and before we would go out with her friends, 'cause they were all pains in the ass, she would have sex with me just so I wouldn't be an asshole at dinner. And it worked every time. Like it annoyed me a little bit because it worked, because I would just not pay attention at dinner. I was like, "Eh, I don't care. Like, say whatever you want. Whatever, I just got laid." (Maddox scoffs and laughs) "These things don't annoy me." And she totally had it clocked, too!

Maddox: Yeah. She had your number.

Dick: Yeah! I think if...if that just happened *more,* the world would be better!

Maddox: Okay, I agree.

Dick: If guys just got laid more...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...everything would be better.

Maddox: I agree, but I would extend that to women too. I feel like women need to get laid. And they look at it as...they are gatekeepers. So they are the ones GIVING sex, rather than it's something that they receive.

Dick: Yeah, they are.

Maddox: No...well, no, I mean, that's...that's how they view it; that's not the case.

Dick: That's how I view it too. (Maddox laughs) What the hell are you talking about? They do give sex. (chuckling)

Maddox: *I* give sex.

Dick: Oho, you're outta your mind, pal.

Maddox: No. No, baby. Women line up around the block for some of this. (grinning)

Dick: Yeah, uh, that sounds familiar. "Women line up to date guys like me." (suggestively)

Maddox: Oh actually, yeah! That's said that on, uh, Dr. Phil!

Dick: On Dr. Phil. (smiling)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And the lady said, "Well, I'd be at the back of that line."

Dick: She still would be. (wryly) (Maddox laughs) Um, did I -- yeah, that's...that's my whole problem.

Maddox: Well, okay. So -

Dick: (interjects) And by the way -- and girls...girls do not need to get laid too.

Maddox: Of course they do!!

Dick: They don't...they don't chill out afterwards.

Maddox: Eh...

Dick: They're the same pain in the ass they were before.

Maddox: You know, I've been with women sometimes when they're in bed and they get all uppity, and they just won't..."Nyah, nyah nyah nyah nyahh!" (nasal, nagging voice) And then I'll bang 'em, and then they'll go to sleep! And I'm like, "Thank God, now I can get up and go to work."

Dick: That.....really??

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I thought that's what...

Maddox: I just wanna get my work done.

Dick: I thought that's how chicks worked.

Maddox: Yeah, that's what I thought too, until I realized, "No, this actually, I'M the one...I have shit to do, and she's - "

Dick: (interjects) So you just bang them like a fireman? (Maddox laughs) You hose out that fire and then you get back to work? (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Ha! Alright.

Maddox: Yeah, exactly! I hose 'em out and get back to work. (smiling) So um, so the reason I agreed with you at the outset of this is because over the weekend, I was...uh, with a girl, and she -

Dick: (interjects) I knew it.

Maddox: Yeah. Well...

Dick: Yeah. Look at that smile.

Maddox: Well, whatever. (sheepishly)

Dick: Look at that smile. He's got...

Maddox: Whatever, yeeeah. You know, you should see the smile on HER face! So, uh... (cracks up) So I was with this girl, and she had two male suitors who were tryin' to get her to come hang out with them.

Dick: Prince Charming! With the "male suitors." (Maddox giggles) "I was with a debutante, and she had a number of male suitors." (snooty voice with English accent)

Maddox: Whatever. So, anyway. These two guys were tryin' to get her to come hang out, and this one guy was REALLY laying on the guilt trip. He said, "Well - "

Dick: (interjects) Ooo!

Maddox: Yeah! He was, like, tryin' to guilt her.

Dick: I mean, that can work! I've seen it work.

Maddox: Yeah, it works for pathetic people and broken women.

Dick: Yeah, but they got it all...they got it figured out! Like, I can't do it. I've tried running that game and it does not work for me. I don't know how they do it.

Maddox: Yeah, but don't you want some fuckin' self-respect? Don't you wanna be able to look in the mirror and like who you see? Do you wanna look in the mirror and see some pathetic, groveling dipshit? "Oh, please...please gimme some of your pussy, please? Come over -- oh, you...why can't you please come over and just hand me some...just put a little bit of vagina on me?" (frail, whiny voice) Come on! It's pathetic!

Dick: Yeah. (unsure)

Maddox: Stand up straight!

Dick: I don't know. It's's not very pathetic if no one knows about it, I guess, is my philosophy on it. (Maddox laughs) Like I agree with you, I like to sound like a cool guy too, but...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...if it worked and I knew how to do it, I would do it.

Maddox: (groans) It's SO lame. And it doesn't work, 'cause it just comes across as desperate.

Dick: So what happened? What happened with the girl?

Maddox: Yeah, so he kept, like...he kept, uh, he kept saying, "Oh, please just come out! Oh, I thought we were friends, I thought we were gonna come out," whatever. Just tryin' to manipulate her...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...into coming out and hanging out, and of course she said, "No! Fuck off! Like, that''re a loser! Why would I wanna hang out with someone like that?" Nobody wants to hang out with someone desperate!

Dick: So, what, did that...? That sounds like it made you look good then.

Maddox: Well yeah, of course.

Dick: 'Cause he's obviously the guy who didn't get laid.

Maddox: He didn't get laid!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But that's a problem because there's...and it wasn't just him, it was his friend and his friend.

Dick: And you know what? She woulda gone over there, not had sex with him, not had sex with you; NOBODY'S havin' sex! It's a huge catastrophe. (Maddox chuckles) That's what I'm saying.

Maddox: Well, that's not how it turned out.

Dick: Right! BUT...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...still a problem.

Maddox: It is a problem. I'll give you that.

Dick: 'Kay. What's your...what's your first problem?

Maddox: Let's get to my -- yeah. Let's get first problem this week is dogs. (dogs growling and barking sound effect) (laughs)

Dick: With the sound effects. (cracking up) Such...such jackassery.

Maddox: I got a request for more sound effects, actually.

Dick: From...from who I think you're talking about?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Mhm!

Dick: Good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm glad he's...I'm glad he asked for more sound effects.

Maddox: Great! It's not just -- it's everybody. Everybody loves the sound effects. So, dogs are the chicks of the animal kingdom. (cracking a grin) Right? And if you think about it...just listen to this. Listen to them. (sound clip of a dog howling) Listen to that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who would want anyone or any kind of animal, any thing, any person in their lives...Sean, you look like you're -

Dick: (interjects) Sean wants to say something. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He looks like a dog about to pounce on a big juicy steak over there.

Sean: I can't it let it pass, because this is exactly what you said about monkeys last week! (Maddox laughs)

Dick: It is! It is.

Sean: You said MONKEYS were the chicks of the animal kingdom. (in unison with Dick)

Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)

Sean: "Listen to them!"

Dick: Dogs. (laughs)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Sean: And then you played a sound bite.

Maddox: Yeah. (monkeys whooping sound effect)

Dick: Well, I guess we got your template down!

Maddox: Yeah. You got monkeys and dogs, are the chicks of the animal kingdom.

Dick: So what...why are they the chicks of the animal kingdom, because they...are loud?

Maddox: They're emotional!! They're the most emotional animals out there! You can't leave a dog alone for 5 minutes, otherwise it'll get sad and depressed! You have to walk it every day. You have to -- you can't leave it in your car!

Dick: Yeah...

Maddox: Right? Like, you can't -

Dick: (interjects) Well, you -- no, you definitely can't leave it somewhere where it will DIE.

Maddox: You can leave a child in the car! (laughs)

Dick: You definitely can't do that.

Maddox: I mean, come on. (giggling) You can... (stammers) A child knows to crack a window. Dogs are stupid. (Dick scoffs)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Come on. (cracks up) Right?

Dick: So, they're needy?

Maddox: They're needy, they're emotional, they get...they get SUPER sad and SUPER happy over nothing! They're just -- they're like these stupid, emotional, uh...weathervanes! That's what they are. You know, they blow in the wind. The winds of emotion.

Dick: They can be neurotic? Is that what you're saying?

Maddox: They're VERY neurotic. They -- dogs shit everywhere!

Dick: Did you grow up with dogs?

Maddox: Uh, no.

Dick: Okay. That...that explains some of your misperceptions about dogs, I think. They're not all like that! Just dogs raised by crazy people are like that.

Maddox: Well, okay. So I've seen the 3 types of dogs. There are the dogs that are very -

Dick: (interjects) Big dogs, (Maddox chuckles) little dogs, and medium dogs.

Maddox: And medium...medium-sized dogs. The -- no, the dogs...I've seen some really friendly, you know, family-type dogs that are, know, moderately active. They'll play catch with you, and they'll kinda chill the fuck out when you go to the park. (Dick smirks) Then I've seen the dogs that are...almost dead. Like, why are you keeping that thing alive? (clears throat) Excuse me. Um...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It is just, it's on its last legs...

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox:'s hobbling around, it's fat, it smells, its hair is matted; it just makes me depressed. And then I see the dogs that are -

Dick: (interjects) Well, you know, 'cause...'cause they love it. (Maddox cracks up) That's why they keep it around. Just to answer your question. Just so you know it's not a rhetorical question, that's why it's around. (cracking up)

Maddox: But wh-...why? Why -

Dick: (interjects) Companionship.

Maddox: Great! Why don't you just keep a fucking ball of yarn? An old, ratty, smelly ball of yarn around? Like, what's the point? The dog doesn't do anything! It doesn't DO anything!! It's just there! It's like havin' a pet snake!

Dick: Have you ever had either a pet dog or a pet snake?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I had a dog for a night. (Dick smirks) It was a Pomeranian. (cracking up)

Dick: What was her name? (rimshot sound effect) (giggles)

Maddox: Alright, Dick. (grumbling) So I had a dog for a night, and it was, uh...I was sleeping in my front yard in a tent.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And all of a sudden, in the 3 AM, this -

Dick: (interjects) How old were you when you were sleeping in the tent?

Maddox: Uh, I was probably about 11.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: This dog ran into the tent, and -- it was a teepee, actually. I set up a teepee on my lawn. It was super cool.

Dick: THERE we go.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)

Dick: So ya set up a teepee -

Maddox: A teepee.

Dick: - when you were 11, because you wanted to see if all, what, the stuff about teepees was true?

Maddox: What stuff about...? No! I was just hanging out, like, camping out in a teepee!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah! So this dog ran into the teepee and scared the shit outta me, but it was a very delightful dog. It was very smart, very friendly...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...and this dog immediately took to me and just wanted to sleep next to me.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: It was an awesome dog. Sure! know, I get it. Dogs are cool.

Dick: And THEN what happened?

Maddox: Well, I...I found its owner and returned it to the owner.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah! That's that. But uh, you know, dogs are cool, they're fine, but they shit everywhere! The reason I don't have a dog is 'cause they shit so much. I don't wanna...I don't wanna deal with it, and I don't wanna have to -

Dick: (interjects) No, that's a big...that's a big issue.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Cleaning up dog poop is a big issue.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: I don't know if it's the biggest problem in the *universe,* though. We're're just sayin' dogs are...dogs raised by crazy people are crazy?

Maddox: Well, there are -

Dick: (interjects) The owners are worse than the dogs!

Maddox: Well, I agree, yeah!

Dick: 'Cause you can't hit the owner when nobody's lookin'. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs) No, that's horrible. I don't mean that.

Maddox: (giggling) Yeah, wellll... (Dick laughs) You know, there's 83 million dogs in the U.S., and there's 95 million cats. I can tell you, I've stepped on dog shit at least 20 times in my life. I've stepped on cat shit NEVER.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And there are more cats out there.

Dick: So poop the problem, or is it dogs?

Maddox: (brief pause) Uh, it is...

Dick: What else you got? Besides the poop.

Maddox: Yeah, the dog owners! Well, they're so...and people -- here's my number one problem, I guess, with dogs.

Dick: Yeah. Okay.

Maddox: Is that their owners can't shut up about their dogs.

Dick: Mm. (inhales thoughtfully)

Maddox: Like, dog people JUST become people. Like, that's IT. They - "Oh, how old is he? What's his mix? Where's he come from? Oh, how...let's see his teeth. Let's...can he do any tricks? Oh wow, she's really cute! She's really sweet!" (fussy voice)

Dick: You know what? Uh, you're right. I think that should love babies. I know, I think -- and I'm not sure if you hate babies or not, but babies totally put an end to the type of dog relationship you're talking about. Like when someone's way too into a dog, a baby comes and they're like, "Dog who?" That -

Maddox: (interjects) (baby laughing sound effect) I'm not sure if they do actually put that into it.

Dick: Babies are the kryptonite for dogs.

Maddox: Are they?

Dick: OH, yeah.

Maddox: Ehh... (unsure)

Dick: Yeah. Soon as that baby...uh, arrives, dog's out the door.

Maddox: Well, so, because this symptom...them -- people not being able to shut up about their dogs is the symptom.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: And the problem manifests itself to the point where you can't even tell whether or not people are talking about their dogs or their children! So I actually have a game, uh, that we can play today. I brought in a bunch of headlines.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: (light game show music starts in background) And, uh...yeah, we got some game show music this time, too.

Dick: (cracks up) Okay, GREAT.

Maddox: So, I got some headlines that are...dogs or children? What are they talkin' about, dogs or a child?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So I'm gonna read the headline -

Dick: (interjects) Can Sean play too?

Maddox: Sean's playin', you guys are both playing.

Dick: What do we win?

Maddox: Uh, you win a punch in the dick. (cracking up)

Dick: Alright! That sounds like a pretty good prize.

Maddox: Oh yeah. Okay. First one is, "Boyfriend Charged With (Blank) Abuse After (Blank's) Death." Is that a dog or a child?

Dick: Oh, a dog. I'm going "dog."

Maddox: Sean?

Dick: 'Cause it wouldn't be in the paper if it was a kid, 'cause it happens all the time.

Sean: That...that could be either. But, uh...

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: So you win a punch in the dick either way.

Maddox: Yeah. Sean... (buzzer sound effect)

Sean: Yeah, exactly. (Dick giggles) Well, that's what I'm going for, yeah.

Maddox: Sean, I'm sorry, that's wrong.

Dick: That's wrong! (laughing)

Maddox: And Dick... (buzzer sound effect) Also wrong.

Dick: Oh, it was a kid?

Maddox: That is a child.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: "Boyfriend Charged With Child Abuse After Toddler's Death."

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay. So, number two is -

Dick: (interjects) So, not a good trick question.

Maddox: Not a good, not a... (laughs)

Dick: Right outta the gate. (grinning)

Maddox: Well, you got it wrong, so that IS a good trick question!

Dick: (chuckling) Oh, god. Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. That was uh, "23-year-old boyfriend of Merissa Anderson was arrested on child abuse charges on Saturday, just hours after an Orange County judge increased Anderson's bond to 80,000 dollars."

Dick: Ah, that's...what's the next headline?

Maddox: Next one. "Police Officer Saves (Blank) from Vehicle Submerged Underwater."

Dick: Dog!

Sean: Yeah, I'll agree. Dog.

Dick: Yeah, dog.

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Correct! That is a dog.

Dick: Good job, Sean.

Maddox: Good job. Uh, okay. Next one: "(Blank) Dies After Being Hit By Car."

Dick: Dog!

Sean: I'll go "child" on this one.

Maddox: Ohh, Dick! (buzzer sound effect) I'm sorry.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: And Sean... ('ding!' sound effect) It IS a child. Good job, yeah.

Dick: It feels like...but it feels like it could be either one in all of these headlines.

Maddox: Yeah! That's the...that's the point of the game! That's why it's the... (cracks up) It's a fucking game! That's why I was saying, you can't tell -

Dick: Yeah, but the headlines...

Maddox: - if they're talking about the dog or the child!

Sean: No, I read that story. The...the kid was running across the street to sniff a poodle's butt. And got hit by a car.

Dick: See, that's funny!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like if you had said, "(Blank) Runs Across the Street to Sniff A Poodle's Butt" and had us guess THAT, that would be a better...headline.

Maddox: Well, that wasn't the actual headline though.

Dick: Right? 'Cause you'd think it was a dog, and it was a kid.

Maddox: That is pretty funny. (smiling) That is pretty funny.

Dick: Yours is just like... (laughs)

Sean: Maddox is so honest. (Dick laughs more)

Maddox: I got -- you know, Sean, I wish I had that. That's actually true.

Dick: Your game is just like, 'A Guy Beat His Girlfriend's (Blank) to Death.' Like, "Oh god! I don't know, that's...horrible! It could be either one, though."

Maddox: Yeah, exactly! That's the point! Okay. So, here we go. Here's the next one. "(Blank) Left Home Alone Escapes Fire."

Sean: Uh, dog.

Dick: Dog. (grinning)

Maddox: Mm... (buzzer sound effect) (Dick laughs) I'm sorry, it's "child." (cracks up)

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: You idiots. (laughs)

Dick: It could probably be more than just a dog or a kid too, if I'm honest. Go ahead. Read the next one.

Maddox: Mmm no, not really.

Dick: Go ahead!

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Let's see. Let's find out. That's the game.

Maddox: Okay, let's find out! Let's see, fine!

Dick: Let's find what else it could be.

Maddox: Fine. Great. "Ask (Blank) Lady Column: Dinner Game May Have Gone Too Far." So this is an advice column -

Dick: (interjects) What's the "blank"?

Maddox: Okay, the "blank" -- I'll read it again. It's "Ask (Blank) Lady Column: Dinner Game May Have Gone Too Far." So it's the name of the column -

Dick: (interjects) Dating advice. That fills the blank. "Ask Dating Advice Columnist: The Dinner Game May Have Gone Too Far."

Maddox: "Ask Dating Advice Lady Column"??

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: "Dinner Game May Have..." No, that'

Dick: It works, it fits!

Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) It does not. (buzzer sound effect)

Sean: No, it's...

Dick: "Scientist"!

Sean:'s "kid."

Maddox: It's "dog."

Sean: It...this is "dog"?

Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) You guys are all idiots. Um...

Dick: So she's -- what, she's giving dog advice for dinner parties?

Maddox: Yeah!

Sean: How did this game end??

Maddox: Dog advice for...I don't...I don't know! It's just an advice column. It's for dogs, I guess.

Sean: I'm so confused.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You got -- we gotta stop playing this game.

Maddox: Nope. We got a couple more.

Dick: (chuckling) There's too many...dude, a couple more?!

Maddox: You suck! You guys suck! You're terrible.

Dick: This GAME sucks!

Maddox: YOU suck!

Dick: This is a horrible game. (cracks up)

Maddox: YOU'RE a horrible game. Alright. (laughs)

Dick: Can...

Maddox: Wait wait, you'll get this one.

Dick: your problem is dogs?

Maddox: No no, hold on! We're gettin' to it.

Dick: How about shitty game shows? That's a pretty big problem in the universe.

Maddox: How about shitty co-hosts? How 'bout that?

Dick: Okay, what's the next one?

Maddox: "Cultures Clash Over Forced (Blank) Marriages in Pakistan."

Dick: Kid!

Sean: Yeah, that's "child."

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Correct.

Dick: Oh my god! What... (cracks up) Now you're just reading headlines...

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: ...of arranged marriages.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. Well, you got that one.

Dick: Okay. I got a headline for you.

Maddox: You got a...? Yeah.

Dick: "(Blank) Prodigy Plays at..." um, "...Carnegie Hall." (brief silence) Child. That's the answer.

Maddox: Great. (flatly) (crickets chirping sound effect)

Sean: I thought for sure it was "dog" on that one.

Maddox: Good joke! Good joke, Dick. (sarcastic) Alright. (game show music stops) We have, uh..."World Cup: Here's What It Would Look Like If We Sent (Blanks) to Play in Brazil 2014."

Dick: This....."dog."

Maddox: Sean?

Sean: Yeah, it's gotta be "dog." It's gotta be like, a .gif or something.

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Correct! "Do Not Give Your (Blank) Ibuprofen."

Dick: Dog.

Maddox: Sean?

Dick: I'm gonna go "child."

Maddox: It is "dog"! ('ding!' sound effect) I'm sorry, Sean. (buzzer sound effect) You're an idiot. Uh, and then this -

Dick: (interjects) Classic dog advice.

Maddox: The final one -- so, you would know that being a dog owner.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. The final one is, "(Blank) Hit and Killed By Garbage Truck in Tooele."

Sean: What was the last word?

Dick: Kid.

Maddox: It's the name of the city. Tooele. You say "kid," Dick? Sean?

Dick: Well, I mean it's happens all day every day!

Sean: Yeah, I'll go "dog."

Dick: Either one happens!

Maddox: Well, that's -

Dick: (interjects) You're just randomly picking one.

Maddox: No. Let's, uh, let's hear the clip. [plays news clip]

Male Correspondent: A 5-year-old boy was killed in Tooele this afternoon when he was hit by a garbage truck while riding his bike.

[clip ends]

Dick: Alright. (Maddox snickers) This was a kid!

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) (buzzer sound effect) I'm sorry, Sean. That was a kid. Well, the score is: you're both at zero.

Sean: That's not true! (Maddox laugh)

Dick: I feel like we all lost anyway.

Maddox: Sean's 3, Dick's 2.

Dick: So, what's the problem with dogs? What is your...what is your real root problem with dogs? Is it the people? (Maddox inhales thoughtfully) People have a weird...people are narcissistic and they brag about their dogs all the time?

Maddox: People are...people are obsessed with their dogs, they bring them everywhere, and here's the thing: I see dogs in Target, I see dogs in grocery stores...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...I see dogs in malls, and people bring their dogs like they're...they're family members! They're NOT, first of all.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And second, people have allergies to dogs. So when you're bringin' your little mutt with you everywhere you go, you're not taking into consideration other people might be having a really shitty time because your fucking little, uh, mangy mutt is with you.

Dick: Eh, I guess so. But not a lot of people have allergies to dogs, do they?

Maddox: Does it matter??

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Does it matter how many people have allergies to dogs?

Dick: Yes!

Maddox: How do you know? You might be -

Dick: (interjects) Because it's like, that's the same thing that annoying parents say about, "Don't bring...peanut cookies into class, because *my* kid has a peanut allergy."

Maddox: No, that's not the same.

Dick: "Ohhh, everybody stop..."

Maddox: Not everyone's carrying peanut cookies with them to the mall and grocery store! (annoyed) This is DOGS, okay? inconsiderate do you have to be in order for you to say, "Um, okay. I want to have my pet with me, therefore I don't care that you're miserable"? Like, it's THE most inconsiderate thing. You don't think that's a problem?

Dick: Nah.

Maddox: Okay. (laughing) Well...

Dick: Not really.

Maddox: There's no reasoning with Dick!

Dick: I just don't think that dogs are that big of a problem. They're cool.

Maddox: Great. So your rebuttal is, "I don't think dogs are that big of a problem," comma -

Dick: (interjects) Well I agree with you about the narcissism.

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: Like, I agree with you that it's annoying that people brag about their dogs. But if it wasn't dogs, it's anything else. If it -- they talk about themselves when they're talkin' about dogs, they talk about themselves when they're talkin' about babies, they talk about themselves when they're talkin' about music! They talk about themselves when they're talkin' about movies. It's all "me me me me me me me."

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah!

Dick: That's a pretty big problem.

Maddox: Right. But uh, this is a very specific one. Them bringing their dogs everywhere they go.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Yeah. That's my problem.

Dick: I'm on board for that.

Maddox: Okay! What's your number two?

Dick: Uh, college. Okay.'s worthless.

Maddox: (inhales) I would agree with that! ('ding!' sound effect)

Dick: It's just about drinking. It's about -- it's drinking and drama.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's college.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That's what it teaches you to do.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: And here's a stat for you: the price of college has increased by 1200 percent in 30 years. More than anything else.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Has the value? No.

Maddox: No! The value has gone down, because college diplomas are easier to get than they've ever been. So people are...they're printing them -- you know, it's like a false currency. They can print them as many as they want, there is no...uh, fed that's going to regulate it, there's no inflation to college degrees...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: they just print them out! Now a bachelor's is basically worthless. It's like a high school diploma. If you don't have a bachelor's, know, you're worthless.

Dick: No, that's true!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's a good point. Like, you...people think that you might not might as well not even apply for a job if you don't have a college degree.

Maddox: Right!

Dick: And it doesn't teach -- like, you don't come out of college with any skills.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: People don't...they don't even know how to write!! Like you don't even know how to write papers. It's like, "Oh, I wrote one 30-page term paper, and it was nearly a life-ending crisis to do so."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "That's what I did in college."

Maddox: Right! I...I totally agree.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: College...uh, people ask me a lot of times, they say, "Hey Maddox, what should I take in college? Uh, what should I go into?" Or, "Should I even go to college?" And I tell them...I ask them the following question: I ask them, "Are you driven, and are you self-motivated? Do you have any aspirations? Do you have anything that you want to do in life? Because if you DO and you're good at it, then do it! Otherwise, if you don't, if you have no direction, if you have no idea what you wanna do, then go to college. Why not? 'Cause you might -- you WILL get exposed to a lot of, fields, and a lot of different disciplines. So..."

Dick: Is that a good thing?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Getting exposure to different fields?

Maddox: If you don't know what you're doing, then absolutely, yes.

Dick: Yeah, I don't know about that. Is it...should it cost...does it need to cost your parents, like, thousands of dollars every year for you to kinda poke your head into a -

Maddox: (interjects) Whoooa. Uh-uh, no. It shouldn't cost your PARENTS anything! You should pay for it -

Dick: (interjects) Parents are paying for college.

Maddox: No! I paid for every...dime of my college out of my pocket.

Dick: Everybody else's parents are payin' for college.

Maddox: Well, then...buncha slackers!

Dick: Well, yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So that's a pretty big problem.

Maddox: I guess!

Dick: I mean, you' the way, YOU'RE paying for this problem too, 'cause if everybody paid for their own -- if everybody had to pay for their own, it would be a lot cheaper.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: But you're getting nailed 'cause parents are footing the bill.

Maddox: Oh yeah, sure.

Dick: So you're having to pay parents' rates.

Maddox: Yeah, I didn't go into any debt when I went into coll-...when I went to college. I worked about 60 hours a week at my shitty...uh, job at a telemarketing company, programming, and then I also put my way through college, yeah! I paid for all of it.

Dick: Yeah. Was it worth it?

Maddox: Um, no. (both crack up) I...absolutely not. I have nothin' to show -- I am within one test of graduating with a math degree.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: In college.

Dick: And your life would be no different.

Maddox: No different!

Dick: If you had that degree.

Maddox: Yeah! People ask me all the time, they say, "Hey, why didn't you go back and...and take the test?" Well, first of all, I have. I've taken the test 3 times. The first time, you know, I came within 1 point of passing, and it was heartbreaking, and then the second time I came within 2 points, and the third time I came within 3 points. So, you know. I can see the downward trend, I can see the pattern, and I realized that, uh...I changed careers and I'm a writer now. I'm a New York Times bestseller, so what do I need a math degree for?

Dick: And you don't have a writing degree for that. So the...

Maddox: I DON'T have a writing degree for that. In fact, they put me in the most remedial writing class in college! When I took the test, the writing placement test? They put me in the LOWEST writing class that I could possibly take. (chuckles) And ironically, I learned more in that class than anything else I learned in college, which is...fascinating, because my teacher almost got fired because he refused to follow the curriculum. And that's the only reason I learned anything, is because he taught us things that he felt that we needed to learn, like critical thinking.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Rather than just writing.

Dick: And editing, I would think.

Maddox: Mmm, no.

Dick: Don't say a bunch of stuff that's not necessary.

Maddox: Oh, concision.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um...I don't know where I learned that, but it wasn't that class.

Dick: Oh. Well, here's my problem with it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think...I think that colleges have's basically like, they've convinced everybody that if they don't get their kid a college education, then their kid's screwed. It's like feel-good insurance for your kids. Which is very manipulative, if you think about it.

Maddox: You think it's manipulative for parents to tell their kids that they are gonna be well-off if they go to college?

Dick: Yeah, because the only...the only stat, like the only anything I could find in support of colleges, the only reason that they say to go, is that you'll make a million dollars in your lifetime. Like, you make a...people with degrees make a million dollars more than people without degrees. So they're basically saying, "Look, until college costs a million dollars, you gotta send 'em!"

Maddox: Here's the thing: if parents...if you knew nothing else about your child...

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: ...about your child's future, you wanted that child to have the best possible outcome; you would probably send them to college.

Dick: But why? What can we do to stop that? 'Cause I don't think it's necessary.

Maddox: Well...I don't know! I, I think -

Dick: (interjects) People laugh at you if you suggest otherwise. Like if you're like, "Well, why don't you send them to a trade school?" They're like, "Oh my god, a plumber! I don't wanna...I don't want my kid to have PLUMBING skills."

Maddox: Yeah, basically.

Dick: "I want him to have an art history degree."

Maddox: Look, there's a way out...there's a way into success without, uh, college. And the way to success without college is, you gotta work your ass off and teach yourself something. Like I taught myself programming for the longest time, and then actually I got the, uh, theoretical education as well in computer science in college. I was a computer science major for a long time.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: Um, that helps, but if you're not driven and motivated by yourself then yeah, you probably should go to college. 'Cause otherwise you're gonna be, what? A fuck-up. You're not doing anything.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: So it' is for some -- I would say college is good for some people. I don't think it's this necessary requisite for all people. In fact, um, I went to college with the guy who created Winamp. He was in my computer science class, and the guy should not have been there. It was VERY clear. He was CONSTANTLY correcting our professor in, pointing out errors in his syllabus, and the lesson that he was teaching us. He...our professor didn't know very basic things about C++.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And this kid was constantly raising his hand. And he wasn't doin' it to be a snot, he was just like, "No, that's...that's just incorrect information. You're misleading everybody in class." And he was tryin' to teach us -- and so he would finish his assignments within, I don't know, 10 minutes of the class? And the rest of the time he would write 3D models, and work on Winamp. It was incredible! So, people like that should not be in college. I would...I would even argue that people like me, after a certain extent -- after 2 years, I didn't get anything out of college. But when I went to college the way I, uh, took my classes was to...take things that were genuinely interesting to me. And that's why I took a lot of physics and things like that, that I didn't need to take.

Dick: But -- and it's would write it off 'cause the cost is outrageous.

Maddox: The cost is...yeah.

Dick: Like, you could spend an hour on Wikipedia and get the same "exposure" that you get at a college.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That you get at a university. Yeah! It's a big joke. Big scam.

Maddox: Yeah, I agree.

Dick: And it takes everybody in their prime, right when they're, like...18 to whatever, and just lets them sit in a babysitting campus instead of working.

Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) You know, that...that said, I would still say about 60 to 70 percent of the population should probably go to college.

Dick: Really?!

Maddox: Yeah. 60 to 70 percent.

Dick: To what end?? Like, what do you really think they get out of it?

Maddox: Well, they might get exposed to something that they didn't know beforehand.

Dick: Like what??

Maddox: Well, for example, I was in a college bookstore...a university bookstore one time and I came across this book that seemed fascinating, and I looked into it and it was a course that I'd never even heard of. It was called Family and Consumer Studies, and it was all about, uh, consumerism and the sociological aspect of consumerism. And I took that class just because the book seemed interesting. I would've never been exposed to that school of thought and that ideology had I not been in that bookstore and not gone to college.

Dick: There's, um...there's a fallacy that's called...what you're doing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, where...because you experienced something, it's worth it? Do you know the name of that fallacy?

Maddox: Mmm...

Dick: 'Cause that's what it is.

Maddox: There's a lot of fallacies.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't know what that one is. But, I mean, am I wrong?

Dick: Yeah! (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: How am I wrong?

Dick: Yes, because it's like saying that you were exposed to something 'cause you did something, doesn't mean you shoulda...doesn't justify doing the thing. 'Cause you're exposed to things all the time.

Maddox: Yeah, but how else would you be exposed to an experience that's good? Like, that -

Dick: Just by, like, you know...

Maddox: - that specific experience.

Dick: ...going to w-...having a job?

Maddox: (hesitates) No, no. I had a job for 9 and a half years.

Dick: You didn't get exposed to anything while you were workin'?

Maddox: Well, a few things, but they were all very tangentially related to my job! Or very...very *directly* related to my job, rather.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Um, how do you get exposed to something that's completely, like, a different trajectory from what you're learning? What your...what your education is?

Dick: You hit "random article" on Wikipedia.

Maddox: Nyeah... (skeptical)

Dick: 10 minutes. "Random article," "random article"...

Maddox: Then you're reading...yeah, then you're reading about like, some squid somewhere. Where does that get you?

Dick: Well, that's my problem.

Maddox: Not a problem. Uh, let's get to a real problem. And uh, Dick, I know you will disagree with me on this, 'cause we've had this argument in real life.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Uh, this is...this is a big problem, and...some of this problem was made up by my last problem! But uh, here it is. My problem is expensive steak. ( plays clip from the song "Eat Steak" by Reverend Horton Heat, overlaid with sounds of cows mooing)

Dick: Steak. (amused)

Maddox: EXPENSIVE steak.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Expensive steak.

Dick: What's expensive steak?

Maddox: I'd say anything north of about 30 dollars.

Dick: Okay! I wouldn't say that, but go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah, I know you wouldn't! So uh, and I -- what's that in euros, like 20?

Dick: I don't know!

Maddox: I'm guessing it's like 20 euros.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Somethin' like that. Yeah! So, expensive steak is a ripoff. Because I've had lots of steak, and I've had some really expensive steak and I've had some cheap steak, and I've had everything in between. And the best steak I've ever had...uh, was probably about a 110-dollar steak. 110, 120-dollar steak.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: The SECOND best steak I've ever had was 30 dollars!

Dick: (smirks) Okay.

Maddox: And it was incredible. I still remember that steak! I remember both steaks, they were both really good.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But 110 dollars to 30 dollars. I'll take the 30-dollar steak over the 110-dollar steak ANY day.

Dick: So what's your problem? That...restaurants are charging too much for steak that's not as good as the 30-dollar steak you had?

Maddox: Yeah, restaurants -- just in general, it's just, uh, this false market. People are wasting money on steak.

Dick: Wasting money on steak. So if I'm going to the Pacific Dining Car for, like, a 60-dollar baseball steak...

Maddox: For those -

Dick: ...I'm wasting money?

Maddox: Yes. For those who don't know, the Pacific Dining Car is a very expensive, 24-hour steak restaurant in Los Angeles.

Dick: It's great! ALWAYS great.

Maddox: It's -

Dick: (interjects) They got a million-dollar meat locker in there. Did you know that??

Maddox: Yeah... (skeptical)

Dick: They got a meat locker that's got a million dollars worth of meat. How 'bout that?

Maddox: Oh, I'm sure...I'm sure they *think* it's worth a million dollars. I'm sure they'll tell people it's worth a million dollars. Do you know what steaks are? Steaks are the diamond of the food industry. They can make up the rate, they can make up the cost, they can tell you it's worth anything you want, and then you pay 100,000 dollars for your steak and you can't sell it for anything, nobody wants it. Nobody else will pay for it, it has zero market value, it's not fungible. It's just a piece of meat that you bought that somebody ascribed a price to, and you're just paying it like a sucker.

Dick: Mm, no.

Maddox: Yeah. Why don't you go to...go get a steak and then get a lap dance? That's just like -- that's like, the perfect sucker night out.

Dick: So...going to a fancy restaurant and paying a premium for a steak that you know will be well-made...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: YOU, is a problem?

Maddox: Mhm! Right, of course.

Dick: What part of that is a problem? What are you, what's...what would you rather it be? Like, randomly go around and pay...$10.99 for a steak and just cross your fingers?

Maddox: No, you don't have to pay a lot of money for a good steak! You can can -

Dick: (interjects) You do if you want one reliably!

Maddox: No...

Dick: Yes, you do!

Maddox: won't...there's no "reliable." There's no could make your OWN steak.

Dick: There absolutely is!!

Maddox: Noo. (dismissively) Here's the thing: the restaurant -- like, unless you go to a *really* high-end restaurant where they're goin' to the butcher and picking out the steaks, you know, the chef is doing that...from a really good butcher. Which, by the way, there's no guarantee you're gonna get a good cut of meat just because they bought it grass-fed and free range and all that other bullshit.

Dick: But that's what the money's for! Guaranteeing that you get a good steak experience.

Maddox: (excited) No, but...but there's a cognitive bias going on. You see, you're PAYING a lot of money -

Dick: (interjects) THERE we go.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Uh-huh!

Dick: Here we go! (smiling)

Maddox: So you're paying a lot of money, and then because you paid a lot of money you think you're getting the value. But that's not the case! That's not necessarily the case.

Dick: So what're saying is that I don't know what I'm talking about when I'm paying a lot of money for a good steak. Basically I'm so stupid...

Maddox: Yes. (grinning)

Dick: ...that because I dropped the 100 dollars, I will never admit that the steak wasn't as good as what it could be.

Maddox: Right. Because you would be a fool *not* to.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's the Ben Franklin effect.

Dick: So there's no possible way for that to be disproved? Just throwing that out there.

Maddox: Well...

Dick: 'Cause no matter what I say about the quality of the steak, I'm saying it 'cause I paid a lot of money for it.

Maddox: Yeah, you have to believe that!

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Maddox: You CONVINCE yourself that it's a good steak because you PAID a lot for it. Otherwise you'd be a jackass!

Dick: I think if you reliably ate expensive steaks, you would not think that anymore.

Maddox: (splutters) You can't possibly know, because it's possible that every single expensive steak you've ever had, you've *thought* was good because you paid so much for it.

Dick: Yeah...nahhh.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I'm tryin' to get to the bottom of what you're...why you think this is a problem.

Maddox: Sean, did you wanna chime in on this?

Sean: Do you think that no one has ever sent an expensive steak back?

Maddox: I'm sure they have, yeah!

Dick: Why do you think they sent it back?

Maddox: Eh, status. Pompousness. (Dick laughs) They're at a meeting.

Dick: So, does anybody -

Sean: (interjects) Yeah, I was just curious.

Dick: Yeah. Good question. Does anybody do things for genuine reasons in your mind? (amused)

Maddox: Sure they do, but not when there's money at stake! If -

Dick: (interjects) But not if they have money. (smiling) That's the root of this. You just don't like rich people.

Maddox: No, I didn't say that! If there's money if stake, if they have a financial incentive, then you have to question their motives.

Dick: So in your mind, uh, a 10-dollar steak would be horrible. Right? You wouldn't wouldn't order a 10-dollar steak, would you?

Maddox: Uh...sure! Why not?

Dick: In general, you would go to a order a 10-dollar steak, it comes back as, like, an 8-inch thick piece of crap with fake charbroil lines on it?

Maddox: (excited) Wait wait wait! (laughs) That's not what you described! You just said an 8-dollar, 10-dollar steak. If you describe a shitty steak like that, then yeah, that's gonna be a shitty steak.

Dick: That's what you should be expecting if you order a 10-dollar steak.

Maddox: I've had...I've had great cheap steaks.

Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) So in your mind if you see steak on the menu, $10.99, and you order it, you think, "Well, this could be the most amazing steak I've ever had, or it could be horrible. Equal chance of both! 50/50! It's a coin toss."

Maddox: I don't know that it's 50/50. Like, I wouldn't trust necessarily that a steak coming from Sizzler know, like an Olive Garden-type place is gonna be a good steak. Yeah.

Dick: Uh-huh. On average, would you say...what would you rate it? If you were to pay $10.99 for a steak?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just on average, what number would you give it on a scale of...0 to 10, 10 being delicious?

Maddox: Well, I don't know! Does the...depends! Does it come with a side of fettuccine and shrimp? (cracks up)

Dick: Just a steak.

Maddox: Um, I...on a scale of 10?

Dick: 0 to 10.

Maddox: I would guess it'd be about a 5.

Dick: About a 5!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. So if you were to pay 20 dollars for that steak...

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...what do you think it would come in at? Or let's go with 30.

Maddox: Um...

Dick: What would you expect?

Maddox: I would expect about a 7.

Dick: You would expect about a 7?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: And if you notice a trend here? That as the money...

Maddox: Well, two does not make a trend.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: That's -

Dick: (interjects) What if you paid 50? What would you expect?

Maddox: Eh, still about a 7.

Dick: Still about -- so no once it hits 30...

Maddox: It plateaus.

Dick: So you th-...there is no way to expect better than a 7 from a steak restaurant? (chuckling)

Maddox: No. Not unless it -- not unless you know the reputation of the place, or you know that this place has...I dunno, they're doin' somethin' special to the steak. Look, there's basically -

Dick: (interjects) And if you know all that...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...shouldn't you pay for it?

Maddox: But you DON'T -

Dick: (interjects) If they've established a reputation, shouldn't you have to plop down another 20 bucks for it?

Maddox: But go back to the steak that you're spending so much money for.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Say you've spent 80 dollars on a steak.

Dick: Oo!

Maddox: And you say, "Wow, that's a great...that's a great steak!"

Dick: Probably delicious.

Maddox: If, if -

Dick: (interjects) Probably got some Roquefort cheese on there, and a little...

Maddox: Ugh. Cheese? Get outta here, man! Why would you want cheese on your steak? It's a steak!

Dick: It's good!

Maddox: Get outta here. It's not -- it's a steak, it's not a piece of fuckin' garlic bread. Get out. With your fuckin' cheese. (muttering) Gimme my meat.

Dick: So then what?

Maddox: Yeah, I don't wanna get constipated. So, you get your steak; you don't know if they...if you had bought, say, I dunno, paid 70 dollars for that steak, if you would've gotten an equal quality steak. Or 60 dollars, or 50 dollars. My theory is, around...after 30 dollars, you will not see an appreciable difference in the quality of the steak. 'Cause meat -

Dick: (interjects) I don't even know how to wrap my head around that! I've just -- like, if you can't expect more than a 7, why are you, what are you even going for? I want a 9, man!

Maddox: How can you...

Dick: I want a great steak! What am I supposed to do?

Maddox: But you -

Dick: (interjects) If I want a 9 or a 10?

Maddox: How can you, how can you be assured... (cracks up) See, you're...everybody's kind of like, pulling the wool over your eyes and telling you like, "Hey Dick, come into our restaurant! Buy our 80-dollar steak!"

Dick: I know what a good steak tastes like, jackass!

Maddox: No! You THINK you do! (yelling)

Dick: No, I definitely know.

Maddox: Because you've been TOLD this is a great steak! "Hey, pay lots of money! We'll give you a good steak. Oh, you want a good steak, buddy? Come right in." (Dick sighs exasperatedly) You might be eating SHIT your whole life, you don't know because people have been telling you it's good!

Dick: You don't think I just won't go -- you don't think I won't just go to another good steak restaurant??

Maddox: Yeah! And who's...

Dick: Like, "That one was horrible, I'm gonna go to another one!"

Maddox: And who's saying it's good??

Dick: By the way, ME! I'm saying it's good!! (yelling)

Maddox: No, the restaurant owner!

Dick: I'm saying I like Pacific Dining Car over Mastro's!

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, okay. (sneering)

Dick: 'Cause I like...I like the QUALITY of the steak there. It's slightly different!

Maddox: Yeah. Mhm.

Dick: They're both just as GOOD as one another, and I would pay 60 dollars for both, but I *prefer* Pacific Dining Car.

Maddox: Great. And before you went to either of those restaurants, they had an out-of-this-world reputation, didn't they?

Dick: I don't know, I don't...yeah, of course!!

Maddox: Of COURSE!

Dick: They've been around for 100 years!

Maddox: Alright, they have that reputation! And guess who made that reputation?

Dick: (yelling over Maddox) Everything -- you think just everything is a scam, don't you?

Maddox: Not everything!

Dick: Everything is a scam.

Maddox: Not everything, but who created that reputation??

Dick: THEM, by making amazing steaks.

Maddox: Mmm...or them by putting out ads.

Dick: Marketing?!

Maddox: Exactly.

Dick: So in your mind, McDonald's could start a marketing campaign about the quarter pounder being the most delicious Angus beef in the world, and in a year or so I'm so stupid that I'll think it's true and go plop down 70 dollars for a Big Mac?

Maddox: Hey, who -

Dick: (interjects) Is that possible in your mind?

Maddox: Well, not 70 dollars, but they could increase the brand value of their Big...of their food, yeah! McDonald's actually tried this with the Arch Deluxe menu. They failed, but they TRIED it. Uh, different companies have tried that with different brands, and they've tried to make premium brands and they try to create, you know, luxury!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Apple is a luxury computer product! Same with De Beers -

Dick: (interjects) Apple's great!

Maddox: No, it's GARBAGE.

Dick: Apple's better than PCs!

Maddox: No, it's not!!

Dick: They always work!

Maddox: It's garbage! No, it DOESN'T always work! (groaning)

Dick: Get outta here. (surly)

Maddox: YOU get outta here! We always have problems with our Apples. Every single Apple I've -

Dick: (interjects) Who's "our"?

Maddox: Well, in here! We're usin' Sean' know, Sean's -

Dick: (interjects) What problems do we -- no, the only problem we had today was your jackass soundboard on your piece of shit netbook, neither of which was made by Apple!

Maddox: Well...

Dick: Everything else works great!

Maddox: Nah, your...your phone battery's always dyin', you have to go the Apple store every time your battery...with your tail between your legs, you gotta get your battery replaced. You know what?

Dick: Let's stick to the meat.

Maddox: Yeah, let's stick to the meat. It's like the diamond industry. EXACTLY like De Beers. De Beers created a false market for diamonds; they inflated the value of diamonds by creating artificial value, and that's exactly what they're doing with steaks.

Dick: Comparing steak to diamonds...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: fuckin' retarded. (Maddox laughs) It's not anywhere NEAR the same thing!

Maddox: You know, the only time a steak could be worth anything more than a normal kind of meat -

Dick: (interjects) Than 30 dollars.

Maddox: Yeah. If -

Dick: (interjects) Which, by the way, is...a completely arbitrary value based on YOU.

Maddox: It's based on my...considerable life experience.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Empirical evidence. So, uh, I've had lots of steaks; I've had very expensive steaks and very cheap steaks. Around 30 dollars, you're not gonna see much of a difference. Um, so unless they did something special to the uh, Kobe beef. Which, by the way -- oh, and here's one for you: Angus beef! It's pure marketing!! There's no such thing as Angus beef! They just put the word "Angus" on it.

Dick: (talking over Maddox) They're not selling Angus beef at expensive steakhouses. It doesn't say "Angus beef baseball steak" at the Pacific Dining Car.

Maddox: Then what is it, Kobe? Is it Kobe beef?

Dick: No, it's aged!!

Maddox: Oh, AGED, of course.

Dick: There's all kinds of stuff that goes into making a good steak. Are you kidding?!

Maddox: Yes, but age -

Dick: (interjects) That's why they got a million-dollar meat locker!

Maddox: But age -- oh, your million-dollar meat locker!! (sneering)

Dick: I'll be damned if I'm gonna sit here and let you, uh...

Maddox: You sucker.

Dick: Go -- what, Sean?

Sean: I was just gonna say, it''s dry-aged USDA Prime.

Dick: Yeah!

Sean: Which is a government stamp they put on it. I mean, Choice and then Prime is better than that.

Dick: Right.

Sean: And then they dry age it for...

Dick: There you go.

Sean: ...28 days, or whatever.

Dick: They dry age it.

Maddox: And guess who's...

Sean: Blah blah blah blah blah.

Maddox: ...guess who's on the USDA board who developed that stamp and that certification process?

Sean: So it's all...yeah, it's...

Dick: So you think there's a meat conspiracy?

Maddox: No, it's not a conspiracy!

Dick: Like, this is getting bigger.

Maddox: This is not...this is not secret!! It's public knowledge! This is what they do! They go to the government and they say, "This is what we certify as this cut of meat." And aged meat? Like, what's the big deal? I've had aged meat, it's fine. It tastes good, sure!

Dick: Dude, can you...wait a minute! Can YOU tell the difference between a good steak and a crummy steak?

Maddox: Why don't you test me?

Dick: Well, that, that would...

Maddox: We can have a test, yeah!

Dick: You've had all these steaks, what do you mean? Can't you just tell me?

Maddox: I would love...

Dick: Can you tell what a dry-aged steak tastes like compared to a regular steak? 'Cause it tastes different.

Maddox: Yeah, I know it tastes different.

Dick: The meat breaks down.

Maddox: I know. (annoyed)

Dick: The enzymes break it down, that's why it's better. It's more tender.

Maddox: Don't condescend to me, you fuck. I know what dry-aged beef is.

Dick: That's what you're payin' for!

Maddox: Yeah! Well, you can get that at a cheaper steakhouse.

Dick: They don't age beef at a cheap steakhouse.

Maddox: You can get aged beef -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you have to keep it refrigerated.

Maddox: Yeah, they have refrigerators at cheap steakhouses. Every steakhouse has a refrigerator.

Dick: I can't believe what I'm hearing!

Maddox: Yeah! There's nothing special -- there's no magic in that fridge!

Sean: It's's more like a humidor.

Maddox: Okay!

Sean: With the temperature control. Because you have -- you can't just put it in, like, a really dry thing. You can't let the moisture leave too quick.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: It's not like a Corona locker.

Maddox: Right. (amused)

Dick: It's not like a cooler that they keep in the back, they just throw some more meat in!

Maddox: Yeah. You think it has to have this REALLY expensive price tag on it in order for it to be...oh, because -

Dick: It's not...

Maddox: - it's such a labor-intensive process to put a piece of meat into a humidor and then just walk away from it! Oh, god! That's gotta cost at least 100 dollars. (sarcastic)

Dick: Maddox, it's not that much more expensive. (cracking up) It's another 20 bucks.

Maddox: Well, that's 20 -

Dick: (interjects) That turns a 30-dollar steak into a 50-dollar steak.

Maddox: Mm. So, almost a 100 percent increase in price.

Dick: It's not that much! (Maddox laughs loudly)

Maddox: 100 percent!!

Dick: 20 dollars! 20 dollars...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...turns a piece of garbage, a 7, into maybe a 9!

Maddox: I've had dry-aged beef for 30 dollars that tasted great! It was fine! I don't need...

Dick: I think a meat man hurt you one day.

Maddox: No.

Dick: And you' you're bitter about it.

Maddox: No. I would love to see the comments on this one. I wanna see where people stand on this. I think that...that steak is a bullshit industry, uh, just like diamonds is a bullshit industry. More than 30 dollars, I think it starts to plateau. You're not gonna get much're not gonna see a cost-benefit return much beyond 30 dollars, I don't think.

Dick: Do you think this about all restaurants that charge, like, more than 30 dollars for food?

Maddox: No, absolutely not.

Dick: So there are some food items that you think get better as the money climbs?

Maddox: Yes. And for 2 primary reasons: one, the ingredients used. If they're really rare or really hard to come by, then yeah, I understand why it's expensive.

Dick: You don't think the process has any -- like, the reliability of the process has anything to do with it? And that's what you're payin' for?

Maddox: Well, potentially, but you can't -- that's not a guarantee. And then number two is the preparation.

Dick: That''s a guarantee when you're *payin'* for it.

Maddox: No, it's not!

Dick: That's the point!

Maddox: That's not a guarantee, though!

Dick: Otherwise you send that back!

Maddox: I've gone...I go to restaurants; there's a restaurant I like in particular that uh, that creates these awesome Mexican moles.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And it's, it's...renowned, and that's the one, like, chefs go to if they wanna have mole. It's a really good restaurant. I've been there probably...I dunno, 100 times. And of those times, I would say about 75 to 80 percent of the time it's been great; the rest of the time it's been kinda shitty, because who knows what the...what the chef, you know, different pinches of ingredients go into what mix to make the mole at the time, or whoever -- you know, whatever the chef's temperament is that day. You don't know! You can't guarantee consistency. Unless you're McDonald's.

Dick: There's a middle ground.

Maddox: There...okay, go on.

Dick:, no. I've, uh, I've made that point.

Maddox: No.

Dick: That you're paying for consistency of a delicious steak.

Maddox: You're *hoping* to.

Dick: (chuckling) Yeah! That's what the money's for.

Maddox: Yeah. It's... (stammers) You're also paying for the consistency of the haircut, but unless you have -

Dick: (interjects) I think you're, I think you're more...I think you're more, uh, focused on people getting duped. Like, I think you think people are getting duped by 50-dollar steaks. And they're not! They taste better! They're more reliably better.

Maddox: Uh...I mean, there's no -- there's no qualitative way you can measure that.

Dick: Yes, it exists! That's the qualitative way. People will pay money to get that steak.

Maddox: (excited) No no, that's...that's a cognitive bias! That's all that is. You pay more, so you think you're getting more.

Dick: I don't know, I guess we gotta test it. (smiling)

Maddox: They've done tests, there have been studies where they take the exact same product, charge twice as much -

Dick: (interjects) Product, not steak.

Maddox: No. (stammers) Look, it' doesn't matter what the product is. It could be steak, it could be...jam, it could be shoes. It could be whatever. They take the exact same product, re-label it, change the price, and then ask customers about the satisfaction before and after they purchase. Customers OVERWHELMINGLY feel more satisfied with the more expensive product than they do the cheaper one, even though it's the exact same fucking product!

Dick: I woulda believed this with water.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, if you had used water for this. Yeah, you too. [to Sean]

Sean: I've seen it with water.

Dick: Yeah, I've seen it with water.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: And it was all filled up out of a, uh, garden hose.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: And then they put a spider in the bottom and said it was like, the most expensive thing.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Sean: This was like, a few years ago, and it...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yep.

Sean: Yeah, but the water was just tap water.

Maddox: Ergo, your steak.

Dick: But not steak.

Maddox: Why not?! What's diff-...what's magic about steak?? What's precious about steak? Why do you think steak is immune to this cognitive bias?

Dick: Because it SO OBVIOUSLY tastes better.

Maddox: (splutters) You don't know that!! You're already tasting it, so you're biased!

Dick: Yeah, but I've had steak that I made *myself,* and I can taste the difference between a poorly-made homemade steak and a well-made...homemade steak.

Maddox: Oh, you're a fuck-up! If you watch -- Gordon Ramsay has a video on YouTube, a 2-minute video, "How to Cook the Perfect Steak." It's impossible to screw up. Like, you just...follow the instructions! What is there to it?

Dick: That's it?

Maddox: Yeah! Have a hot pan!

Dick: So there's just one type of...I think you're underestimating what goes into making, uh, steak.

Maddox: There's multiple ways to make steak, I'll give you that. But it's not that hard to make a perfect steak.

Dick: Alright. Well, I guess I'm a sucker then.

Maddox: You ARE a sucker!! (smiling)

Dick: I don't think this is a big problem.

Maddox: Well... (skeptical)

Dick: I'm a sucker, eating my amazing Pacific Dining Car steaks and uh, paying for lap dances. And that's the problems for this week.

Maddox: Glad we agree. So, we have Dogs, Expensive Steak...

Dick: Uh, Guys Needing to Get Laid...Guys Who Need to Get Laid. I'll phrase it like that.

Maddox: Guys Who Need to Get Laid.

Dick: And College. 'Cause it trains everyone to be, trains everyone to think in a way that I don't think is good for them.

Maddox: Uh... (exhales, unsure)

Dick: You know? Like, they're focused on training you how to think, and...I don't think they're doin' a good job.

Maddox: I don't know if they're...they're training you how to think necessarily. Like in college, I learned how to do critical thinking. That's not teaching you how to think, it's teaching you how, solve problems, I think.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which is different. Do you think that college indoctrinates -- okay, wait wait wait, hold on. I think I got somethin' here. Do you think colleges indoctrinate people politically?

Dick: Um...yeah, I think they indoctrinate people to be pro-college. Extremely pro-college. If that's politically, then sure.

Maddox: Well, I'm not sure that's a political...point of view.

Dick: Might as well be.

Maddox: To be pro-college. Well, uh, so there you have the problems, or non-problems as, uh, in Dick's case of College and Guys Who Need to Get Laid. Although I do agree with the guys not getting laid. That is a huge problem.

Dick: Yeah, it's a bigger problem than STEAKS.

Maddox: It's pathetic.

Dick: Than you... (cracks up)

Maddox: No. Steaks, come on!! Steaks! (closing riff starts) Anyway. That's it for this time. I'm Maddox.

Dick: Go vote on the site!

Maddox: 'Til next time.

(closing riff)