The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 36
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audiobook download.
(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy? How's it goin'?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back, folks.
Sean: Hey guys.
Maddox: Hey Sean. So we had a big week, Dick.
Dick: Who won?
Maddox: Uh, and the fans, the fans were really confused. So this is a...this is kind of a confusing one.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Because Manspreading Discontent got the most votes.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Followed by Satire, with -903.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And a lot of people were confused whether or not a vote for Satire meant that you were making a satirical vote, or if you're voting for the actual satire being a problem...in effect, meaning that you didn't understand that the Satire problem was itself a satire.
Dick: Are you tryin' to asterisk this one?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Is that what you're doin'? Are you tryin' to say that you won somehow? I think that's what you're tryin' to do. However, I will say this: I know what you're talkin' about.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause everybody downvoted Satire as a problem...
Maddox: Right.
Dick: ...and that was your intent, I believe.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: HOWEVER...however, Manspreading Discontent got more upvotes than Satire got downvotes. (Maddox laughs) So I'm absolute value-ing this one. However, since there is fuckery... (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: ...I'm not gonna play my song. I'm gonna do something different.
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic)
Dick: This week. This is what I...do you remember, uh, what you said about the movie Titanic?
Maddox: Uh, somethin' about it bein' shit.
Dick: And that you'd never watch it.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: You've never watched it, and you're never *gonna* watch it.
Maddox: Oh, you motherfucker, I know what's coming!
Dick: So...so NOW, every time you lose, I'm gonna bring in 30 seconds of the movie Titanic. (Maddox laughs) That you have to watch. Sean, can you crank the volume? 'Cause this is a very...this is a very soft intro. Setting the tone.
Maddox: Son of a BITCH. (under his breath)
Dick: I've got it on my iPad right here. [plays first 30 seconds of Titanic]
(sad music with strings and an ethereal-sounding female singer begins to play)
Dick: Do you hear it, Maddox? (mischievously)
Maddox: Yeah, I hear your BULLSHIT! (Dick giggles) I hear your shenanigans!!
Dick: Look at these pictures.
Maddox: I'm not going to! (angrily)
Dick: It's a bunch of sepia shots of the Titanic. If you're not gonna watch it, I'll explain it to you.
Maddox: You...yeah! You can explain it all you want.
Dick: People...people that are never gonna come home, on the Titanic...
Maddox: I fucking hate you.
Dick: ...are in sepia, waving to their friends and families.
(sad music still playing)
Maddox: FUCK you, Dick Masterson! (Dick giggles more) I'm tired of this SHIT!! I'm TIRED of this! I'm NEVER gonna watch Titanic.
Dick: Isn't it wistful? This song? Is it romantic? (grinning)
Maddox: I'm sweating, I'm so angry.
Dick: Here you go!
Maddox: What is...this has gotta be a record! Like 24 seconds into the episode, I'm already sweaty.
Dick: Wait wait wait, this is the part -- this is the part you have to watch. See the ocean?
Maddox: I'm not...I'm not watching! I'm looking away.
Dick: Nonono, watch the ocean.
Maddox: I'm looking away, I'm lookin' at myself.
Dick: Ohhh. "Titanic." It says "Titanic." That's the title card.
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick. (muttering) This is BULLSHIT.
Dick: That's it!
Maddox: This is bullshit! (cracking up)
[Titanic intro ends]
Dick: Okay, that's it.
Maddox: Good. You know what? I'm gonna contact my lawyers to have them sue me! (both laugh) For copyright infringement.
Dick: Well, there you have it! That's one win out of -- it's a 3-hour movie...
Maddox: 'Kay.
Dick: ...so that'll take...uh, 6 hours to get through? 600 podcasts to get through? 600 losses?
Maddox: Great.
Dick: And you'll have watched the whole thing.
Maddox: And it's important to note that no one wins or loses on this show. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Matt Alegrete says, "Satire being a problem is Maddox's arrogant way of showing that even when his problems gets trounced, he still wins since it was a sarcastic problem in the first place. The true test is whether it has more downvotes than Manspreading Discontent does upvotes." Well, I guess it -
Dick: Yeah! There you go!
Maddox: - I guess it passed the true test, uh, didn't it, Matt? So I guess according to yours and Dick's weird, austere rules of this show, I "won," quote? It's bullshit. Anyway.
Dick: I got a voicemail for you. About satire. [plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail: Hey Maddox, back on your Halloween episode I sent you an email that said that your Predator costume looked like a homeless guy that passed out in an Olive Garden dumpster. (Maddox laughs) Uh, that was satire. I just wanna apologize and throw myself to the mercy of the Thought Police.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Hey, thank you!
Voicemail: And fuck you, Dick!
[message ends]
Dick: Oh. Well...
Maddox: Great! Uh, you know what? I will take that into consideration for the apology. I have a comment from Nathaniel Watkins. He says, "Man, people just have no idea what to do with the 'satire' problem. Is it satire? Should we vote it up ironically if it is? Or should we take it straight?" Hmm. Well, looks like I -- I think most people got it. It got -903 votes.
Dick: Enough people got it.
Maddox: Enough people got it, yeah.
Dick: I got a bunch of comments about -- I got more hangover cures, like more than I know what to do with, and they all contradict each other. Here's one. [ plays second voicemail message]
Maddox: MORE hangover cures!
Voicemail: This is some hangover advice for Dick Masterson.
Dick: Yep.
Voicemail: I've done it just like Maddox, I never get hangovers, but uh, my girl's real susceptible to them.
Dick: Hilarious. (Maddox chuckles) Great.
Voicemail: Susceptible, sorry. And uh, she finds that three things help: lots of water in between every drink...
Maddox: Yup.
Dick: "Lots of water." (chuckling derisively)
Voicemail: ...vitamin B12, like you guys already said...
Maddox: I said.
Voicemail: ...after a meal and before you drink, and furthermore, don't eat when you're drunk because once the alcohol is in your system, the food soaks up the toxins and that releases them into your system and makes the hangover inevitable.
[message ends]
Dick: Yeah, I...yeah yeah yeah.
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: So don't eat, and drink, uh, 2 gallons of water after every beer. That's great advice. (sarcastic)
Maddox: Yeah, what if you eat something that doesn't absorb anything, like a whole buncha jellyfish or squid?
Dick: Dude, it's...it's all bullshit!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I woke up this morning with my SHOES on in bed!
Maddox: Hmm.
Dick: Am I eating...is a magical cheeseburger gonna fix that?? Is water gonna fix that problem? No.
Maddox: I dunno, I think a lot of psychotherapy maybe, Dick. (Dick sighs) (Sean chuckles in the background) Um, I got a comment from Brian Leong: he says, "So Manspreading Discontent is basically a subset of Shy People/Introverts." Go vote up Shy People and Introverts, people! Because that's exactly what it is, it's a buncha PUSSIES who are too afraid to speak up! Hey, you wanna show people that you're strong and powerful and equal, and blah blah blah blah blah? If somebody's doing something you don't like, speak the fuck up and tell them to stop! Otherwise, shut up! (yelling)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Like, don't...don't do this passive-aggressive social agenda where you have the MTA system do your dirty work for you with a buncha SIGNS that you go through the long arm of the law to post around the subway system! FUCK you!!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Anyway.
Dick: What's next, "No Farting" signs? On the subway?
Maddox: (grinning) They actually have that in casinos. When I was a kid I'd go to arcades, and it said "No El Fumar" or whatever in Spanish.
Dick: That means "no smoking," shithead.
Maddox: Ohh, fuck! (groaning) (everyone bursts out laughing) Really, is that what that means?!
Dick: (giggling) You thought that meant...you thought it was especially targeted to Mexican people?
Maddox: Mexican... (laughs hysterically)
Dick: "Don't fart"??
Sean: He thought it was such a huge problem! (Maddox and Dick lose it) Like RAMPANT problem, it gets posted everywhere!
Maddox: Seriously?
Dick: Episode's over!!
Maddox: Oh, my GOSH.
Dick: Yes, it means "don't smoke"! Did the picture of the cigarette next to "No Fumar" clue you in?? (Sean laughs uncontrollably in background)
Maddox: There was no cigarette! I don't speak Spanish! (Dick cackles) How the fuck...I'm a KID in an arcade, 'cause my parents have a gambling addiction. (Dick laughs harder)
Dick: Well, we've covered some major addictions already on this show.
Maddox: Great. I'm PISSED OFF already. Um -
Dick: (interjects) Shawn Thompson says, "How can Dick drink a glass of water every 3 drinks? Doesn't that caller know there is a fucking drought?!"
Maddox: Yeah! (chuckling) (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Yeah, it's true!
Maddox: Water zealots. Canon Manley says, "Dick, enough already. You don't have to explain the genius behind Maddox's problem. You're like the guy at a party who explains jokes after they're told. [...] On a second note, I don't know if Satire being in the negative votes means that the listeners actually get it and are in turn being satirical, or they're complete idiots." Uh, Canon, I believe it's a mix of both, and probably more likely the latter.
Dick: Yeah, you do have to explain things.
(brief pause)
Maddox: Okay. (both laugh) Well, I guess there's that!
Dick: Uh, let's see. Oh, um, I got one from Robert...Robert Araujo. I dunno how to say it. "Hey Dick - " So, we talked about Charlie Hebdo.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Last time. And I made a...a point that uh, yeah, they're using satire as a weapon. Right?
Maddox: Right, right.
Dick: Against people who use guns as weapons.
Maddox: Satire as a weapon, that's SAW. They're using SAW as a weapon.
Dick: Yeah! They're using SAW. Um, so this guy says, "Hey Dick, freedom of expression is protected BECAUSE it can be weaponized. That's the fucking point. People decided it was important to be able to express ideas contrary to those or instigative of other organizations with the reasons and means to quell them, like terrorist groups or governments. This is why when you say 'they're using satire as a weapon to provoke this exact kind of response' [...] you are called a victim blamer. Because you are. A fascist, freedom-hating, victim blaming Dick."
Maddox: Hm.
Dick: Uh, "P.S. Sean please don't delete this too. P.S.S. - " Er, P.P.S., he did that wrong. " - Dick, go fuck yourself." Yeah! Um, I guess my point is, don't bring a pen to a gunfight.
Maddox: That's your point, Dick?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay. (amused) It's a sentence long. Um, I have one final comment from John Puckett. He says he's a...he's 4 months away from completing his degree in Music Composition. And then he corrects you, Dick: he says, "While you are correct that in the Key of C, A would normally be diatonically minor...you are playing power chords. None of the chords are minor (or major). So if any of you want to play the song Dick wrote, but doesn't know how to explain, the chords are in fact: C5 G5 A5 F5." (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Oh, god. (disdainful)
Maddox: And he just goes on with a whole bunch of music jargon.
Dick: Ohh, that's the kinda musician you would be if you were a musician. (Maddox laughs) Just nitpicky, and...that's the...Sean and I used to play out a lot as a band, and the worst part of it -- it wasn't that no one would come see our shows, it wasn't that it makes no money, it wasn't lugging all the equipment around; it was talking to musicians.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause they're ALL...horrible.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like this guy. It's a...it's a punk song! Everybody knows punk songs are power chords.
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: That's the str-...I was just saying the structure, in case you wanted to cover it on anything else.
Maddox: That's a punk song?
Dick: Yeah yeah yeah! That those guys played.
Maddox: Alright!
Dick: My victory song.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You know what song I'm talkin' about, right?
Maddox: (yelling) Yeah yeah, I know the fuckin' song, Dick! (Dick cackles) We don't have to... (buzzer sound effect) NO.
Dick: Where is it? (through giggles)
Maddox: Okay, here we go.
Dick: Oh, it's too late. Shit.
Maddox: Let's uh, let's get to the problems. Speaking of shitty musicians and shitty sounds...
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: ...my first problem this week is loud muffler douchebags.
Dick: Oh!
Maddox: (clapping sound effect) Yeah. Loud muffler douchebags is my problem. So Dick, I think that it's important to note what the definition of a muffler is. Okay? (Dick laughs) This is literally from the dictionary: it's "a tubular acoustic device inserted in the exhaust system that is designed to reduce noise." (slowly for emphasis) So by definition, any time a car or motorcycle sounds loud, their muffling system is defective!! It's supposed to suppress sound by design, you fucking tools! (yelling)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's why it's called a "muffler"! It MUFFLES NOISE. It has ONE job to do, and if you disable it or modify it so it no longer works, congratulations! You no longer have a muffler. It doesn't take a genius to modify a car to sound louder. Case in point, Dick: there's this guy on YouTube...it's a video called "Drilled holes in muffler." [https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y8TBE-VhRTY] (laughs) 'Kay? It's a guy who owns a 1998 Ford Escort, and he's tryin' to make it sound louder.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: The description of the video reads -- and I'll be reading this to you with all the typos intact...
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: ..."I got tired of hearning nothing..." (Dick and Sean laugh) "I got tired of hearning nothing but engine so i devided to drill holes in my muffler. Its alot cheaper than putting an exhaust system on." 'Kay?
Dick: (chuckling) That's true, there's not much cheaper than...drilling a hole in things.
Maddox: Yeah. Here's an excerpt from the video. [plays clip from muffler video]
Man filming: (in Southern accent) I have holes drilled into my muffler. (sniffs loudly) For louder...loudness. Um, it's cheaper than goin' and spendin'...you know, 250 dollars on a, you know, exhaust system.
Maddox: "Uhh, you know, uh..." (flimsy, dumb voice)
Man filming: You can get, you know, in your front...
Maddox: "You know..."
Man filming: ...or back yard. ..
Maddox: "Ehhh..."
Man filming: ...dependin'...you know.
Maddox: "You know."
Man filming: Where you park your car, and uh...
Maddox: "Ehh..."
Man filming: ...you know, it takes but you know, only like 20 minutes if you...
Maddox: "You know." [clip ends] (laughs) And the video looks like shit. He's under his car showing his muffler, it just looks like SHIT.
Dick: Is that an instructional on how to drill holes in your muffler? (amused)
Maddox: I guess! It doesn't even show him drilling holes in the muffler. Here's another excerpt from the video, listen to this. [ plays second clip from muffler video] This is what it sounds like.
(sound of car starting and engine idling)
Maddox: So why is this a problem, Dick?
Dick: It's 'cause it sounds like my apartment.
Maddox: (chuckling) Your...
Dick: It's all -- yeah!
Maddox: ...your apartment sounds like this?
Dick: Yes! I live right off Hollywood, it sounds awful.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: This is what it sounds like.
(man in video starts revving his engine, drowning out Maddox and Dick's voices)
Dick: Between these assholes, with this...
Maddox: I'm sorry! (pretending not to hear)
Dick: ...cruising up and down -
Maddox: What??
Dick: - all day, and the -
Maddox: I can't hear you!
Dick: - police showing off their stupid helicopters all night!
Maddox: What??
Dick: It's impossible to sleep! (revving sound continues) (raises voice) I've had chicks not wanna come over a second time -
Maddox: WHO?
Dick: - because of how loud my apartment is. This fuckin' horseshit!!
Maddox: WHAT? (laughs)
Dick: When my...it takes my dog like a week to normalize when she comes over to my house.
Sean: THAT'S the reason they don't wanna come over a second time? (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Shut the fuck up, Sean. At least I don't reek like weed, you asshole.
Maddox: Whoa! (laughs with Dick)
Sean: I haven't smoked in years.
Maddox: Oh. Sean's fired!
Sean: I...I quit and it was stored in an improper area. (Dick and Maddox laugh harder)
[muffler video stops]
Maddox: Sean, Walter White over here. Yeah...yeah Dick, that's why this horseshit is a problem. You can't fucking hear anything, chicks won't come over to your apartment, you can't get laid or procreate!
Dick: Whoa whoa whoa, I can get laid.
Maddox: Well. (skeptical) (both laugh)
Dick: Settle down. (smiling) Um...there's a worse version of this, though.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: You think you hate these guys?
Maddox: I do!
Dick: There was a trend a while back where guys would put whistles on their mufflers.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Did you ever see that one?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, they'd put...it was like a giant metal reed that they would attach to the end of the muffler, and it would be like 110 decibels, something ridiculous like that.
Maddox: Yeah. Right. You...congratulations, you made noise.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Something that BABIES do, literally day one of their life. They make noise. This guy goes on, Dick. This guy's a real moron. Listen to this guy. Listen to the way he...he talks. Listen to this. [plays another clip from muffler video]
Man filming: Press the 'like' button down at the bottom, and uh...if I get, you know, a good amount of views, likes, and subscribers, I'll uh... (sniffs loudly) I'll upload some more cool tricks that you can do to your car...
Maddox: Oh! (flatly)
Man filming: ...and some other cool videos.
Maddox: Don't forget to like and subscribe!
Dick: Like speed holes?
Maddox: Yeah. Listen to this part.
Man filming: I uh, got alotta ideas that you can do... (sniffs loudly) ...with, uh... (sniffs) ...some car, you... (hocks phlegm and spits onto the ground)
[clip ends]
(Maddox giggles)
Dick: Oh, god. (disgusted) (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah! "So if you guys, uh, if you guys like this video..." (pretends to hock and spit) (laughs more) "Don't forget to subscribe!"
Dick: Vote it up.
Maddox: "Vote up! Hold on, let me get some phlegm out of my mouth." (Dick giggles) IDIOT.
Dick: Yeah. They want attention, right? Is that what it is? They just want attention?
Maddox: I...I guess!
Dick: They're not...they're not clever enough to get it like you do.
Maddox: No!
Dick: They have to do -
Maddox: (interjects) With a podcast.
Dick: They have to have loud...yeah. They have to have loud mufflers.
Maddox: And can you believe that that costs less than 250 dollars to install? (mocking)
Dick: Drilling holes in your car? (Maddox laughs) Yeah!
Maddox: Drilling holes in your car... (cracking up)
Dick: I can believe that. (grinning)
Maddox: In your...
Dick: That seems like a lot!
Maddox: ...1998 Ford Escort. Hey, um, here's some -
Dick: (interjects) Pretty big problem!
Maddox: Yeah! Pretty big problem, right?
Dick: It's a pretty big problem, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! And anyone who doesn't think so... (plays sound of engine idling from video) ...just needs to talk over this horseshit! (Dick cackles) Any time you go to a restaurant or cafe, you're havin' a nice conversation, and some guy with a small penis drives by in his Harley...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...revvin' up his engine! Okay, we get it, guy! We get it, cowboy. Here's the thing: you're drivin' by at fuckin' 50 miles an hour with your loud horseshit motorcycle, no one knows who you are, no one can see you; all we see is the back of your stupid skullcap which, by the way, offers minimal protection to your dumbass head! (engine sounds still playing) Because apparently there's nothing to protect in the first place.
Dick: Ehh... (skeptical)
Maddox: These morons!
Dick: Wearing helmets sucks, though.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: Wearing a helmet sucks.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)
Dick: Feels good not wearing a helmet.
Maddox: Okay, Dick.
Dick: Feel the breeze in your hair.
(engine starts to rev loudly)
Maddox: I'm sorry, what?
Dick: Feel like Major Kong -
Maddox: Huh??
Dick: - riding the bomb into Russia.
Maddox: WHAT? (laughs) I'm sorry, some IDIOT was driving by with his...with a small penis! (engine sounds continue) I mean, listen to this!!
Dick: It's really annoying. (engine sounds finally stop)
Maddox: Yeah. It's super annoying. I was gonna play that on and on. I got like 2-3 minutes of that, but it annoys me so much. Um...Dick, here's some statistics.
Dick: Oh!
Maddox: Zero percent of chicks think your economy sedan wins races. (cracks up) Because it's loud. (Sean laughs in the background) Zero percent!
Dick: Wait a minute!! Wait a minute!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um...I remember a study that found how much...how turned on women get (Maddox laughs) depending on what engine they're listening to!
Maddox: What?!
Dick: This was a real thing! And Maserati won. And I don't think Maserati did the study, but they compared, like, luxury cars?
Maddox: Uh-huh. (skeptical)
Dick: So I don't know if what you're saying is factual! I think -- I don't know where you got that survey that said zero percent of chicks think, uh...are turned on by these cars, but I think they might be!
Maddox: Dick, where...? This sounds like bullshit, this study. What would they do, just like -
Dick: (interjects) It's just something I remembered!! I don't know where it was!
Maddox: Ohokay! (laughing)
Dick: It was on the Internet, it was interesting! I was like, "Huh! Maserati. You don't say."
Maddox: Yeah. Sounds as reliable as a Truther. What do they, go around with cotton swabs and dab their panties after they listen to engine noises?? Like, how the fuck can they tell how turned on a chick is?!
Dick: That's a good question, I don't know.
Maddox: How...by the way, how do you tell in general? I don't know! (cracks up)
Dick: Yeah. (smirks) (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: I have no fuckin' idea, man. It's like a...just a black box. Um, here's more statistics: you can modify your Honda Civic to go faster than a stock BMW. This is something that Civic owners ALWAYS say: (stupid voice) "Oh man, my...my, uh, modified Civic goes faster than a stock BMW," or Mercedes or whatever, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Whatever sports car you want. But zero percent of people who can afford a luxury car give a shit, because their car is worth more than your entire fucking house. Right? They could simply buy the stupid car that you have AND the mods if they wanted to. Newsflash: they don't! (yelling) You don't see Richard Branson driving around, Elon Musk, or Notch driving around town in shitty modified Honda Civics! They don't give a fuck, because they can afford to buy real sports cars.
Dick: Yeah. What are your thoughts on muscle cars? Like classic cars, then? 'Cause they're quite loud.
Maddox: They're loud!
Dick: And showy.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: But they're AWESOME! I hate these little rice rockets too, but I *love* American muscle cars, dude.
Maddox: (chuckling) Rice rockets. So a buddy of mine -
Dick: (interjects) Is that not...is that an offensive term?
Maddox: Yes! (laughs) Would you call a Mexican-made car a "bean rocket"? (Dick laughs) Or uh, a Thai-based car a "coconut rocket"?? Like, what would you...where do you... (cracks up)
Dick: I mean, I...I WOULD. Not on this podcast. (both laugh more)
Maddox: I think you just did, buddy. Um...yeah, dude -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, get over it!! Is that...is that that bad? (grinning)
Maddox: No, I'm just bustin' your balls.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: 'Cause I don't give a shit. Um, listen, man. Muscle cars, yeah. They're...they're loud -- look, they don't have to be so loud and obnoxious. I think that by design, if that's how they were built? Fine! If they didn't have the muffler technology back then, which they probably didn't, 'cause there are a lot of defects in muscle cars. Like they're powerful cars, sure!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: But they're not as efficient in MANY ways, especially fuel efficiency.
Dick: Eh, I like the sound though.
Sean: Well, back in the day they didn't have catalytic converters.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: Those choke off alotta sound too.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, that's true! That's true, Sean. I dunno, yeah, I guess they're cool.
Dick: What do you want, everything to be electric? Driving around like "vrrrrrrrrr..." (imitating quiet hum of an electric car) Nobody can hear anything?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like some weird, uh, little kid's playset?
Maddox: I mean, that'd be ideal, yes.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah, you...next time you have a mid-life crisis and your penis is too small, don't make us listen to it.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's all I'm asking.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So you can sit at lunch and brunch, and have your tea and peace and quiet. (Maddox chuckles) And have a good conversation with NOT me. (laughs with Sean)
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. What, what, you're saying I'm some kind of a snob because I want to enjoy my lunch without this? ( plays sound of engine idling from video) (Dick cackles) Constantly in my fucking ear?? Rattling my fillings in my mouth? Is that what you... (cracks up) ...what you're suggesting, Dick?
Dick: It is comforting! It's starting to get comforting, this sound.
Maddox: Great! I'll play it the rest of the fuckin' episode.
Dick: Well...
Maddox: You know what? We're gonna play it the rest of this fuckin' podcast! Every single episode from now on. Sean, I'm just gonna send this to you. Just loop it into everything. (engine sounds still playing) There you go, Dick. Enjoy. Play it right over everything Dick says from now on.
Dick: Ha!
Maddox: Shit drives me nuts. (engine sounds stop) Fuck off with that noise. (muttering)
Dick: Do you have a lot of them over here? On this side of town? Do you have a lot of those guys?
Maddox: Not as much, but occasionally. And it's usually right when I'm saying something important during lunch. (Dick laughs)
Dick: What??
Maddox: They just...they have this way of knowing right when I'm comin' to the THESIS of what I'm saying. Right?
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: 'Cause I'm always orating. At lunch -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah. No, I know. (teasing) (both laugh)
Maddox: What a smug fuckin' smartass attitude you got here, Dick!
Dick: 'Cause it's like...you're describing, like, a sitcom.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Where you reach the end of your, um...I think maybe they heard you and they're just like, "Alright, just shut up. I'm tired of this oration."
Maddox: Oh, and they just drive by and just rev their engines for me, huh?
Dick: Yup.
Maddox: I even watched -- there's a YouTube video of a loud muffler contest, and all these Harleys and, you know, motorcycles are lined up, and the announcer is getting visibly annoyed by these assholes! They keep revving up the engines while he's giving instructions on how they should rev up their engines!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And then he'll wait because it'll take a minute, because one dickhead will rev it up and ANOTHER dickhead has to rev it up, 'cause it becomes this giant fuckin' audio pissing contest! (yelling)
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: "Oh, vroom vroom vroom! Here we go!" (Dick laughs) "Let's all...let's all fuckin' rev up our engines!" And then one person dies down and another person revs up, it never fuckin' ends! Then 2 minutes later the announcer goes, "Thank you for that." (Dick cackles loudly) 'Can I just explain the fucking rules??' It's a 6-minute video for like, a 10-second contest. (Dick laughs more)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: 'Cause of these MORONS. (switches to stupid voice) "Huh-huh! Huh, yeah! Huh, LOUD! Whuuuh, LOUDER! HUUUUH!" Idiot. (Sean chuckles in the background) There's a website called Moneysupermarket.com, and it's actually surprisingly well researched. There's a ton of info on this. The most common reason people modify their cars is not to make it more functional, such as installing sunroofs or air conditioning, parking sensors, et cetera, but for performance and aesthetic reasons. Modifications to engine and mechanics can increase your insurance rate by up to 160 percent, Dick. And all aesthetic modifications combined, including tinted windows, spoilers, and bodykit panels, can increase your insurance by as much as 334 percent! [ http://www.moneysupermarket.com/car-insurance/blog/car-modifications-car-insurance-prices/ ]
Dick: Well, you know I hate car insurance!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, it sounds like car insurance isn't the problem necessarily. I mean, it's exacerbated by body modifications.
Dick: So what should these guys do? How are they gonna deal with their tiny penises though?
Maddox: I suggest they fuck off.
Dick: Well, alright.
Maddox: They should start fucking off and then KEEP fucking off.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: For the rest of their lives.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, I dunno, man! You're born with a small penis, do you have to announce it to the world?? (Dick laughs) Every time you drive by? So, the most modified cars -- I just have a couple of stats here, and then I'm done.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: The most modified cars: number one is the Mazda RX7, and the things that people modify the most are alloy wheels and the exhaust system. Toyota Supra's number two, number three is the Nissan Skyline, and number four -- this is one I didn't suspect, but it's the Mini. And they're all alloy wheels -
Dick: Huh!
Maddox: - number one, and exhaust, number two.
Dick: Was the Scion on that list?
Maddox: No, the Scion was not on this list.
Dick: I find those things repugnant. Scions.
Maddox: Yeah, they're ugly cars. I almost bought one even though I hate the way they look and function, because they get REALLY good gas mileage. Those stupid boxy Scion xB's or whatever?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They have a lot of storage space, and they're really...they get really good gas mileage because they're very weak engines. I almost bought that because when I was shipping a lot of stuff through my online store, I would take packages to the airport or whatever, but.
Dick: I did know that about the Skyline, 'cause that was my car for uh, Grand...uh, Gran Turismo? Remember that game? Gran Turismo?
Maddox: Yeah, I remember Gran Turismo, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, I had a real suped up Skyline.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: It was badass.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I would sit in my apartment, turn up the speakers and rev it up. (Maddox laughs) "Rrrrr-rrrrr-rrrrr!" (laughs) Put 'em against the walls. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Well. (plays sound of engine idling from video) There you go, Dick.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Real cool! (sarcastic)
Dick: Are you done? That's a good problem!
Maddox: Yeah. Loud Muffler Doucheba-...LOUD MUFFLER DOUCHEBAGS. (raising voice over engine sounds)
Dick: I think I gotcha beat, though!
Maddox: Yeah, what's your problem, Dick? (engine sounds stop)
Dick: Jury duty.
Maddox: Jury duty! (chuckling)
Sean: Hmmm. (from the background)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Alright. Why is that a problem, Dick?
Dick: Look what I have in my hand.
Maddox: You got a jury duty summons!
Dick: I got a jury duty summons.
Maddox: Wow!
Dick: Yeah, why do we have to do this?? Why do I have to deal with this now?
Maddox: Because it's your civic duty...
Dick: Ohhh! (derisively)
Maddox: ...as a citizen, to go down...
Dick: Come on, with the civic duty shit!
Maddox: Well...
Dick: You know how many people they call in and USE in jury duty?
Maddox: How many?
Dick: 20 percent.
Maddox: So, they -
Dick: (interjects) So 80 percent of people are getting called in, sitting around, and then just go home. It's a HUGE waste of everybody's time.
Maddox: Well, Dick, I was about to shit all over your problem, but that's exactly the problem I have with jury duty so I wholeheartedly agree.
Dick: Yeah! It's a big waste of time!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I mean...okay, civic duty is their answer, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Why don't they just let...like, it should be yes/no. "Hey, you have jury duty. Do you wanna do it?" "No." (Maddox chuckles) And then you could stay home!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Because I guarantee you, 20 percent of people want to go be the executioner for someone in court.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: You know what I mean?
Maddox: Like your buddy. You have a buddy who's like this.
Dick: My life coach, you mean.
Maddox: Yeah, your life coach, the gun guy. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um, did you know he was on a jury? Did I ever tell you about his experience as a jury foreman?
Maddox: You did, but we should definitely tell this story on the podcast.
Dick: Oh...uh, okay. Sean, have you heard about this one?
Sean: Nope. (from the background)
Dick: Ha!
Maddox: So your friend...
Dick: My friend gets on a jury, and uh, it's a simple case. Three dudes knocked over a...some kind of convenience store. Or some kind of, like, everything store down in -
Maddox: (interjects) They robbed it.
Dick: They robbed it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, they robbed it. They stole a bike. They were caught red-h-...they walked in, blatantly stole the bike, and they were caught like a couple of blocks away. So my friend finagles his way up into the jury foreman position, and it takes him like a week and a half. He meets up with me after the case and he's like, "Hey hey hey, Dick, I gotta tell you about the case." I was like, "Well, what happened?" He explains it to me, and he's like, "Yeah, this poor Mexican store owner gets on the stand, and like, English -- he's not very good with English, so he's trying to describe how these hoods stole a bike from his shop. Right? But he doesn't speak English."
Maddox: He said "hoods"?
Dick: No... (stammers) He barely spoke English!
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: He was using like, two translators...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...and he's getting, uh, torn into by the...by whatever, the attorneys.
Maddox: The prosecution. Right.
Dick: Yeah, the prosecu-...well, no, the defense.
Maddox: The defense, okay.
Dick: Yeah. Uh, so he's struggling with his story, and my buddy basically "12 Angry Men"-ed these guys (Maddox chuckles) to being innocent! Even though it was like -- he explained the story...he explained...the log line for the story is, these three guys stole a bike from this poor, uh, immigrant who can't speak English.
Maddox: So he browbeat the other jurors... (Dick laughs)
Dick: Like, with logic! Like, "Well, uh, you know, his testimony was slightly inaccurate, and it wasn't really very clear if this was -- if he assaulted them or made a move to attack them." I'm like, "Who the fuck CARES? Did you think they stole the bike? Throw them in jail!!"
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: What do the specifics matter?! They robbed a bike!! PRISON!
Maddox: Hey Matlock, shut the fuck up!
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Let's put these dickheads behind bars!
Dick: Right!!
Maddox: Let's get a couple of bike thieves off the streets.
Dick: So this is...these are the people who *want* to go to jury duty.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: By the way. 'Cause he loved it.
Maddox: You know what? These are like...these are junior deputies. These are volunteer deputies, the same people. Right? They're just like, chomping at the bit! They wanna get in there, they wanna get a little bit of power, a little bit of authority. You know, Dick, I have a jury duty story. I got summoned the first time a long time ago to jury duty, and I showed up and there was a room full of about 200 people, and I thought, "Well, this is weird!" 'Cause I see juries, and they're usually made up of what, 12 people? Maybe 11? I dunno.
Dick: Yeah, and why is it 12?
Maddox: Eh, I dunno.
Dick: Why isn't it, like, 3?
Maddox: So you can't have a hung -
Dick: (interjects) Why you gotta waste everybody's time?
Maddox: I think it's an odd number so you can't have a hung jury. I believe.
Dick: No, it's an even number.
Maddox: An even number! So you CAN.
Dick: So you can...you CAN very much have a hung jury. I think it's 12 because of Jesus.
Maddox: Yeah. Well -
Dick: (interjects) I think it's 12 because of the Apostles, I really do.
Maddox: Okay. (amused) Well, um...made-up theories aside. (both laugh) So...
Dick: Why is it 12??
Maddox: I don't know, Dick!
Dick: Ah!
Maddox: But you just made that up! I don't know.
Dick: Ahh, sounds good though!
Maddox: Could be any reason. So I showed up and there were like 200 people sittin' around, and I didn't bring anything with me. First of all, the line to get into the courthouse is *atrocious.*
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I had to wait 40 minutes just to get in through their SECURITY checkpoint! I'm like, "What am I...what am I, bringing bombs into this thing?? I don't give a shit! You're calling ME, assholes! I didn't call YOU. I don't wanna be here!"
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "What am I gonna bring in with me?! A fuckin' samurai sword? I don't have anything on me! I didn't even bring my cell phone. I'm fuckin'..." They're like, "Oh, you can't bring any devices in here." So...and then they didn't even provide parking, so I had to PAY to do jury duty! I had to pay all day long for parking just to get into the fucking courthouse.
Dick: Yeah. No, it's ridiculous!
Maddox: It's absurd. Then I get in and I'm sitting, and WAITING, and WAITING, and WAITING on these plastic, hard, fucking uncomfortable seats while everyone around me has books and laptops and stuff, and I didn't know you could bring this!! (yelling) So everyone's sittin' around with their laptops, "Ohh!" Havin' a good -
Dick: (interjects) I didn't know that either.
Maddox: Yeah, they're havin' a good old time! Playing video games, and reading, and whatever because apparently they don't give a shit about doing work or being productive. *I* do! But I didn't have anything with me so I sat there twiddling my thumbs, lookin' at the stupid propaganda posters about all these celebrities who do jury duty. "Ohh, so-and-so...Tony Danza did jury duty, so you should be happy to do jury duty!" (heavily mocking) (Dick laughs) I'm like, "Fuck you!! Gimme Tony Danza's life, I'll do jury duty! SURE!"
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Bangin'...bangin' Samantha? What... (cracks up) ...what's her name, on Who's the Boss?
Dick: Mona.
Maddox: Mona! (laughs)
Dick: Mona, you're thinking of Mona.
Maddox: Not... (through giggles)
Dick: Mona was the hot one.
Maddox: No! (Dick and Sean laugh) No, she wasn't. Maybe for you, buddy!
Dick: No, I'm pretty sure. I'm pretty sure it was Mona. (smiling)
Maddox: Alyssa Milano, that's the hot one.
Dick: And they pay you...what do they pay you, 15 bucks a day in California?
Maddox: I don't know, somethin' like that.
Dick: They don't even pay -- they don't pay you the minimum wage that, like, everyone else makes. For your time.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: For showing up, they don't pay you minimum wage. It's their minimum wage! They made it up. Well, why are we not getting that?
Maddox: You know, Dick, while I was standing in line for jury duty, I remember I was FRANTICALLY Googling "how to get out of jury duty."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And all I had on me was my cell phone, and I was just looking desperately for any way to get out of this. And I learned that...uh, that, you know, a lot of people are saying, "Well, you shouldn't get out of it because it's your civic duty, and society would fail, blah blah blah blah blah," and I thought, "You know what? That's fine. I buy that argument." If you need me to do jury duty, call me down and I'll do jury duty, but don't FUCKING waste my time.
Dick: Yeah! That's what -- you mean, you would do it if you just went down and were able to do it?
Maddox: Gladly.
Dick: Why "gladly"?
Maddox: Because...why not? You hop on, you do your part -
Dick: (interjects) Got stuff to do! It's like 5 days of your life? Fuck that!
Maddox: Well, potentially. Potentially maybe longer, maybe less, but I think -
Dick: (interjects) I think the average is 5. I brought -- I did bring in a stats for you.
Maddox: Well, I wouldn't mind...I wouldn't mind doing it if it was just every now and then. Maybe once every 5 years, and enough people went through it. Yeah, sure!
Dick: So you wouldn't mind?
Maddox: Occasionally, if they actually used me! If I came down and they made use of my time rather than made me sit on a fucking plastic chair for 8 hours...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...only to dismiss me, not even give me lunch?? I had to go to this shitty chicken place!
Dick: I think a lot of people are like you, though. And that you would say "yes" on the form if it was just "check yes or no," like, "Do you like me, Superior Courthouse? Check yes or no." You'd check "Yeah, sure, I'll do it."
Maddox: What do you mean, "do you like me"?
Dick: So just let...er, "Do you wanna do jury duty?" (Maddox chuckles) "Check yes or no, and send it back."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You would probably say "yes"!
Maddox: If they would use my time efficiently...
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: ...every now and then I wouldn't mind. Yeah.
Dick: That's a perfect system.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I would check "no" every time.
Maddox: Great. They should drag you kicking and screaming.
Dick: Oh yeah, that would...that would make me a real great jury member. (sarcastic) (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: You know -
Dick: (interjects) Some poor bastard is gonna have me on their jury potentially. Can you imagine that? (laughs)
Maddox: Well, if you were on the same... (cracks up)
Dick: "Stats? You guys got stats?!" "Nope! Save 'em. Don't care."
Maddox: Yeah. "What...guys, what do you think? Do you think they did this 12 because of Jesus?"
Dick: Probably!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) Great, Dick. What are your stats?
Dick: Yep. The wage thing pisses me off, though.
Maddox: Yeah, the wage thing's bullshit!
Dick: 'Cause they know...they know how much money I make, so why don't I just get credit on that on my taxes? Like if I gotta go down there for a day, can't I just write off a day?
Maddox: Because, Dick, here's -
Dick: (interjects) Like, "Hey IRS, gimme a day of taxes...back."
Maddox: No, here's the problem with that. So, supposedly everybody is in the jury duty pool. Right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: From CEOs to...
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: ...people underneath the poverty line. Supposedly. And -- although I believe that most really rich and powerful people find a way out of jury duty. But -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, you just don't go!
Maddox: Yeah. But the people who are really rich and powerful, if they came down -- like, say you're a CEO of uh...I dunno, Walmart. You're one of the Waltons, whatever. And your daily salary is somethin' like 100,000 dollars. What's the government just supposed to compensate you that much money?
Dick: Yeah, it's called a write-off. You don't have to pay taxes for that day.
Maddox: Yeah, and then it just...then it just lowers the entire tax pool. That doesn't make sense.
Dick: Yeah, then stop asking!
Maddox: H'okay. (chuckling)
Dick: You know? Then stop making so many things illegal!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Stop making drugs illegal. You'll need a lot less jurors. How 'bout that?
Maddox: Yeah, Dick, I dunno. I...I think that uh, I think it's more... (sighs)
Dick: Stop writing so many parking tickets!
Maddox: Yeah, there are a lot of bullshit laws. I think it's more important to...to go to jury duty every chance you can get to really push the jury nullification clause.
Dick: What do you mean, "push it"?
Maddox: Like, just to -
Dick: (interjects) You wanna explain what that is?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I know what that is, but a lot of people don't.
Maddox: Yeah, this is a really important thing, 'cause we've talked about this, Dick. Jury nullification is one of the most powerful things that you have in the country, which is you can sit down on any jury and no matter what the evidence is; no matter what the law is; no matter who they bring in, what they say; no matter what, you can always reject anything you want and just...make somebody who's guilty walk free as being innocent. Say, for example, in chickenshit drug convictions for marijuana, or...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...victimless crimes that they wanna lock someone up for. You can have jury nullification and get someone off the hook. I think it's important to do that.
Dick: Yeah, and you can say, "I don't agree with that law."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "So I'm...they're not guilty of anything to me."
Maddox: If you find a law unjust, you have the power as a jury member to nullify that law.
Dick: Here's a guy from, uh...a guy from Slate wrote this up. [ http://www.slate.com/blogs/moneybox/2012/02/27/why_are_people_so_averse_to_jury_duty_.html ] "I struggle to understand America's disdain for jury duty. I've been called twice, and both times was happy to go." You agree with that?
Maddox: Mm...
Dick: "All things considered, I'd much rather do my regular job day-in and day-out than do jury duty, but I do my regular job every day. I find that taking a day or two or three off every few years to go do something different is pretty fun." (mocking)
Maddox: Oh. (annoyed)
Dick: Can you fuckin' believe that somebody wrote "jury duty is pretty fun"?
Maddox: Fuck off. (Dick laughs) He probably wrote this ON jury duty. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Dick: I dunno. (amused) Um...yeah. [continues quoting Slate article] "For salaried professionals, jury duty is a paid vacation. What's not to like?" What a...what an idiot.
Maddox: What an asshole.
Dick: Yeah, this is who you're getting on your jury, by the way.
Maddox: Yeah. (sneering)
Dick: Not me!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause I'll avoid it like the plague. There's NO way I'll get on a jury.
Maddox: And you know, writers can do their job from anywhere, so this Slate dickhead probably just sat around in jury duty, sitting around MAKING MONEY. Unlike all these poor schmucks who have day jobs, who actually have to be there and work their jobs, and maybe they're...they're clerks somewhere, and they're losing their salary. And this guy's, "Ohh, it's a vacation! It's a paid vacation!" Sure! Why not, dickhead? (cynical)
Dick: 32 million people in the U.S. are summoned for jury service every year.
Maddox: Oh, that's it?
Dick: Yeah. 32 million? That's a lot!
Maddox: That's like, what, 1 percent?
Dick: That's like 10 percent of the country.
Maddox: 10 percent? Eh...
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: I dunno, man. What's our...what percentage of our population is in prison? It's somethin' absurd, like 10 percent. Right?
Dick: Yeah, I don't know.
Maddox: Wait a second...
Dick: That's a lot.
Maddox: ...10 percent of our population serves jury duty, 10 percent of our population's in jail...hmm? 1-to-1?
Dick: What are you getting at?
Maddox: Every jury -- every juror who goes to jury duty convicts a prisoner.
Dick: Oh, that's your...that's your platform?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Oh. Um...estimated number of summonses returned as undeliverable: 4 million. Uh, the people who just don't show up: 3 million. 3 million people just don't show up.
Maddox: Really?
Dick: So I think I'm...I'd be in good company if I just didn't go in. Right? 3 million people!
Maddox: 1 percent!
Dick: Nobody's gettin' busted for it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, that's pretty good.
Maddox: Uh, pretty good problem, Dick. What else do you got? You got anything else?
Dick: No, no, no. That's it.
Maddox: Alright, man. Let's get to a real problem this week. (laughs)
Dick: M'kay. (amused) Oh, I got some funny excuses people have used.
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.
Dick: Um, a woman explained that she couldn't serve on a capital murder trial because she had been a previous victim of murder herself. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: She was a victim of murder? (cracking up)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Oh. Okay. Well, that's a big problem. I mean, I do not want a ghost serving on my jury. You know what you could do during jury duty though, Dick? You could listen to some Audible books!
Dick: Oh, yeah! Today's show is brought to you by Audible. Please visit http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audiobook download. Maddox, you know all about Audible, right? They have 150,000 titles to choose from?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Every genre, Audible has it covered. You get a free Audible book when you sign up today! Uh, they've got over 1,000 science and technology books, and over 1,100 science fiction and fantasy titles. And uh, you know what else they have?
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: A bit of erotica.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uhh, what do you mean, Dick? What kind of erotica do they have on Audible? (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Well, I picked up some, uh...I picked out some titles that you might be interested in.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, "Poorly Made in China." (Maddox cracks up) That book I referenced a couple episodes ago? You can download that on Audible.
Maddox: Great. (laughing)
Dick: Yeah! So you can educate yourself.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: About China.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, "Politics" by Aristotle...
Maddox: That's a...that's an erotic novel?
Dick: No no, that's not an erotic novel. (chuckling)
Maddox: Oh. (laughs)
Dick: Neither is "Poorly Made in China." These are just...
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: ...these are just things you can listen to. (grinning)
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Oh, I thought these were all erotic novels.
Dick: No! (laughs loudly)
Maddox: Okay, you're just proselytizing for previous problems, Dick! I have actual -
Dick: (interjects) No, I'm reading the ad!
Maddox: Oh! (laughs)
Dick: "Politics" by Aristotle...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...so you can pretend to be a greater mind.
Maddox: Sure. Pretend. (under his breath)
Dick: And this one... (cracks up) ...I really will download this one: "How Smart is God?" (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Uh, they did a test? They asked him? They did an interview?
Dick: I don't know! I wanna find out. That's the book, though.
Maddox: Well, you can also ask him about the jury duty question. "Why is it 12, God?"
Dick: And of course, my favorite...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...um, "Milked at Her Uncle's Farm." I actually brought in some clips from that one.
Maddox: Oh, did you really?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Finally! Okay, let's hear this.
Dick: Yeah, I'm gonna...no, I'm gonna play 'em at the end of the show.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Just in case Audible listens to the ad, and... (both laugh)
Maddox: I, uh...there are some books I found on Audible. (cracking up) There's one called "Caught with the Dildo and Taken From Behind" by Dawn Devore... (smiling) There is "Fill Her Up," "The Afternoons of a Woman of Leisure"...
Dick: Oh!
Maddox: Yeah. These all sound, uh, these all sound like things I'd wanna listen to while I drive. Anyway, Dick. Uh, great! So, http://audiblepodcast.com/...what is it?
Dick: http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest , for your free audiobook download.
Maddox: And guys, it really helps the show. Thank you so much for supporting the show. We're able to pay our transcribers, and...people to do thumbnails, and all these things to help free up time, 'cause this shit takes fucking forever every week. (chuckling)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Anyway man...let's get to a real problem, Dick. My second problem this week is non-porn porn!
Dick: What the hell is that? Like Cinemax porn?
Maddox: No!
Dick: Like softcore porn?
Maddox: No, I wish! I would settle for softcore porn. Here's what non-porn porn is: it's food porn. Have you heard of this expression?
Dick: Ohhh, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: These fuckin' ass-...now there's food porn, space porn -
Dick: (interjects) What's space porn?
Maddox: It's just pictures of galaxies!
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: It's just a bunch of assholes who sit around giggling and saying, "Oh, look at this galaxy! Oh man, it's...PORN! It's po-...it's SPACE porn, 'cause look at -- oh, I love these galaxies! Oh, I can't get enough of galaxies!" (stupid voice)
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: "Oh man, look at that Milky Way!" I'll give YOU a Milky Way, right across your face. (Sean laughs in the background) Um, swarm porn...you know what swarm porn is?
Dick: SWARM?
Maddox: Yeah, swarm.
Dick: Like bees??
Maddox: Yeah, like bees, except it's birds! They...people like big swarms of birds, and they call it swarm porn!
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: Then there's bacon porn. I'm so FUCKING sick of it.
Dick: Yeah, I'm really sick of bacon. I don't even like eating it! It's so bad, like it's affected my enjoyment of eating bacon.
Maddox: Yeah. They've hurt you personally!
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: With bacon porn. Breakfast porn! Again, it's just...eggs and bacon! It's a superset of bacon porn. There's cheddar porn -- did you know this is a fucking thing? (yelling) If you search Google Images right now for "cheddar porn," you'll find pictures of baked potatoes, grilled cheese sandwiches, cheeseburgers, mac and cheese...just people who fucking get off on fucking pictures of CHEDDAR and FOOD!
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: Get a fucking life, losers! So there's cell phone porn, design porn, library porn -- not to be confused with LIBRARIAN porn, which is hot as shit! Now there's just library porn. Search Google right now for "library porn," and you're going to find just pictures and pictures of libraries! Not librarians getting stuffed, just libraries!
Dick: With SafeSearch off.
Maddox: With SafeSearch off, of course.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: There's destruction porn, just...you know, people destroying things.
Dick: Ooooh, wait a minute.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: That sounds pretty cool.
Maddox: Yeah, sounds pretty cool. You know what it is? Destruction.
Dick: Yeah...
Maddox: It's not porn!
Dick: Well...
Maddox: Just call it "destruction"!
Dick: Yeah, okay.
Maddox: There's beer porn...and this is from Reddit, this is one of the threads. There's a subreddit with beer porn, and I think there's like 24,000 subscribers to it?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: This is a...this is a title of one of their posts: "Home brewed mosaic single-hop IPA," and it's just a picture of it and some idiot drooling about it.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: There's car porn, furniture porn...it never fucking ends, man! Now here's the problem with non-porn porn, Dick. The problem I have with it is the same problem I have with the word "epic": it's cheapening the word "porn." If you just apply the word "porn" liberally to non-sexual hobbies, it makes it harder to find REAL porn that you masturbate to! (Dick chuckles) Here's a general rule: if you don't masturbate to it, it's not porn! If you actually masturbate to pictures of bacon or space, you're an asshole. You're not sexually attracted to space, FUCK OFF!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: The real problem with non-porn porn is that it slows you down while you're searching for porn, which means you spend more time masturbating and less time doing anything else! That means you start your day later, go to work later, get your job done later, which kills productivity and lowers the national output, eventually bringing the economy to a grinding halt. Next thing you know, the jobless rate skyrockets, people move to slums, and everyone dies in a giant race war! All thanks to non-porn porn. It's the biggest problem in the universe, vote it up! (yelling)
Dick: Yeah...eh, I think the cause of this is kinda related to my Fireball Whiskey problem.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: You know? Well, because there's this, like...there's this desire to be immature. There's this desire to...use immature words, like use juvenile words for things, like "porn." You know? It's very...like, you don't think that's juvenile, the word "porn"? Like you get...the time of your life when you're excited about porn, when it's new to you, is when you're a teenager. Right?
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know if it's juvenile so much as a race for hyperbole. Like people are running out of ways to express themselves in more and more extreme ways, so they have to say...they can't just say, "I like pictures of space," "I like space photography"; they have to say, "I'm into space porn."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They have to suggest that there's some sexual connotation going on, like their...their clits expand because they look at a picture of a galaxy.
Dick: Hm! Yeah.
Maddox: They get erect, they get AROUSED because they're seeing a planet.
Dick: Is it...OR, or -- I'm gonna take the other side -- is this the first step to porn being integrated into everything? Like...naked news, topless newscasters. (smiling) You know what I'm talking about?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like Idiocracy, where *everything* is sexualized. I wouldn't mind that!
Maddox: I think that's a solution!
Dick: Cheddar porn, with like a bunch of naked chicks on it? Like, "Okay." (nonchalantly)
Maddox: Buncha cheddar...stuffed in...
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah. I don't think so, Dick. I'd say that's pretty gross. And you know, if it was that, Dick? I wouldn't have a problem with it, but it's not. It's becoming...you know what they're doing? They're sanitizing Google searches! You used to be able to search for "(anything) porn," and then something that was nude or obscene that you wouldn't wanna show your mom would come up.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: NOW, I could pull up... (stammers) ...any kind of porn, and just show my mom! "Here you go, Mom! Here's library porn. Look at a bunch of fuckin' libraries!" (Dick laughs) "You -- oh, what do you wanna see, space? Lemme look up space porn!" (yelling) "What do you wanna see, birds? Bird porn. Here you go."
Dick: My 2-year-old nephew is addicted to train porn. (Maddox and Sean laugh) That's all he wants to watch, is backhoe loaders...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...and dump trucks. And trains.
Maddox: Ah, I wanna watch some backhoe load porn. Yeah.
Dick: Construction equipment porn, and um...and train porn.
Maddox: Yeah. I'd backload a ho. Watch some porn of that. (slyly) (suddenly raises voice) You know there's even -
Dick: (interjects) Why are you using Google for your porn needs? Like, haven't we evolved past that?
Maddox: You know, if I'm in a -
Dick: Just go straight to...
Maddox: - if I'm in a quick search -- look, Dick, that was my point! It's slowing us...slowing us down to do a porn search. I shouldn't have to go to a specialized website to look up porn to jerk off! I should be able to jerk off any time I want anywhere, buddy!
Dick: Do you really use Google to look up porn??
Maddox: If I'm in a pinch!
Dick: (chuckling) Well, what do you mean, "if you're in a pinch"? Describe me the scenario where you need to use Google to look up porn. I'm genuinely asking.
Maddox: Okay.
Sean: Stuck in traffic. (Dick bursts out laughing)
Maddox: There you go. Thank you, Sean.
Dick: Stuck at jury duty. (grinning)
Maddox: Stuck in traffic, my MP3 player just ran out of batteries, I can't listen to the erotic lactation story from Audible. (background laughter)
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And then I just...I need to look up porn, I might have a laptop handy or something, you know? I need to look it up! I might be in a library. Here's an actual scenario.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: You're at a friend's house, and you want to use their computer. You're there for a few days, you forgot your laptop or whatever, and you wanna, say...I dunno, rub one out real quick. (Dick snickers) So you hop on their computer, you hop onto Google, you open up an incognito window...
Dick: (laughing) You have to use your friend's computer to jerk off? Is your imagination that broken?
Maddox: I don't...I don't HAVE to, Dick, I GET to. It's not that I need it; I WANT it! (growling)
Dick: In your friend's computer chair?? That's kinda...like, you're both using the same chair to get a hard-on?
Maddox: No!
Dick: That's weird!
Maddox: Whoooa, Dick, hold on. You've never heard of the spank bank? Come on, buddy. I'm not gonna jerk off in your chair!
Dick: What do you mean, "spank bank"?
Maddox: Spank bank! You see somethin', you put it in the spank bank, you make a deposit, and then you make a withdrawal later when you're, uh -
Dick: (interjects) No, I don't...I don't feel comfortable with this idea. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: What??
Dick: You're coming over -- do you do this at my house? You come over and sit in the chair I use to jerk off, and look at porn on my porno machine?
Maddox: Hold on... (laughing)
Dick: That's weird. And wrong.
Maddox: Not always! Well, did you see anything suspicious in your history browser? Of course not!
Dick: Nah, I don't look.
Maddox: Because I used...I used an incognito window and Google search, buddy.
Dick: Do you do this, Sean? Have you ever used my computer to jerk off?
Sean: No, never, but I thought about incognito.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: I was like, "That would be a good way to do it."
Maddox: As soon as I said "incognito," Sean was nodding like a hyena. He was like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah!!" (eagerly) (laughs with Dick) Yeah, there's too much of this bullshit non-porn, man. There's even child porn! Did you know... (breaks down laughing) (Sean laughs uncomfortably in the background) Just pictures of babies!! (laughs more)
Dick: So you're searching for that on my computer too? (cracks up)
Maddox: Just your computer, buddy. Um...and while we're at it, you're not a sapiosexual. Can we talk about this? Huh? A sapiosexual -- do you know what this is, Dick?
Dick: Yeah, I learned about this recently.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Since my Tinder experiences, I learned what a sapiosexual was.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: And that everybody's...chicks who I am never gonna bang in a million years are all that. (cracking up)
Maddox: Yep. Buncha fuckin' assholes. A sapiosexual is a trendy, humble-brag way of telling people that you're smart.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Oh, wow! So you're so intellectual that you're sexually stimulated by intelligence. Cool! (heavily sarcastic) Let me know when you're intelligent enough to know that human physiology is basically the same, and you can't fuck a GPA. (Dick and Sean laugh) You might find smart people highly appealing, but you can't grind your vagina against their I.Q.! You can hump someone's forehead all you want, but dumb people's foreheads are virtually indistinguishable from smart people's when it comes to smashing your genitals against them.
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: In fact, I'd argue that dumb people may even be better to grind your genitals against because their foreheads are more sloped. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Hm!
Maddox: How 'bout that, Dick? You ever thought about -
Dick: (interjects) I never thought about that!
Maddox: Yeah!!
Dick: Well, I...does that apply to women as well, or only men?
Maddox: What? I don't know, man. I've never grinded my penis against a dumb woman's forehead. Well...
Dick: Oho, really? (teasing) (both laugh loudly)
Maddox: Oh boy, man. That's a whole new episode. Anyway, dude.
Dick: Yeah, it's...it's pretty obnoxious.
Maddox: That's my problem.
Dick: I messaged this, um...this "sapiosexual" girl -- the last girl I talked to was that -- and within 2 messages, she managed to get into an argument about Neil deGrasse Tyson with me.
Maddox: Great. (dryly)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. (surly) Wow, what a sapiosexual.
Dick: Yeah. It was re-...it was a real blast.
Maddox: Yeah. I bet all the -- I bet people are just POUNDING down Stephen Hawking's door to bang him, huh?
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: (stupid voice with lisp) "Oh, you're so smart! Can I bang your GPA?"
Dick: I mean, kind of! Considering the handicap that he has, both literally and metaphorically, that guy has gotten a LOT of ass, and like.....um, scandalously!
Maddox: Really?
Dick: Like he banged his nurse -- oh, yeah! I think he married his nurse, I think...
Maddox: Yeah, that's true.
Dick: ...she was his nurse while he was married, or something like that. I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, he banged his nurse.
Dick: I'm not Wikipedia.
Maddox: Yeah. But I think that's more -- that has more to do with him just being in close quarters with someone. Look, if you're in close quarters with someone long enough, you're eventually gonna bang.
Dick: Really?! (Maddox laughs) Even if you can't...even if you sound like a computer?
Maddox: Dick, that's why we cut this... (Dick laughs) ...this podcast off at 1 hour ON THE DOT every week! We can't! We just can't.
Dick: So...so we don't bang? (smiling)
Maddox: We don't bang! (laughing)
Dick: We don't bang accidentally?
Maddox: The sexual tension in the room after every episode, man. It's...oh, you could cut it with a knife! (Dick giggles)
Dick: Are you done?
Maddox: Yeah, Non-Porn Porn. That's my problem.
Dick: Non-Porn Porn...yeah, I do feel like it's in the same vein with the "I Fucking Love Science"...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...shit that I know you hate.
Maddox: I do. What's your uh, what's your next problem, Dick?
Dick: What do you want them to call it?
Maddox: What, non-porn porn?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: How about just the thing that you're searching? Instead of "bird porn," "birds." Instead of "space porn," "space." Instead of "bacon porn" -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but how do they differentiate themselves from, like, exceptionally good pictures of birds? You want them to say that?
Maddox: Well, they're...first of all, when you search for "bird porn," you're not gonna find exceptionally good pictures of birds; you're just gonna find a BUNCH of pictures of birds.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Anything anyone considers a picture of a bird is going to come up in a search for "bird porn."
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: And similarly for bacon, or anything else. It's...it's just a cute way of doing -- you know what, how about this, Dick?
Dick: You don't like cute stuff.
Maddox: No!
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: How about just "bacon enthusiasts"? How 'bout that? Oh, is "enthusiast" too hard to type? (heavily sarcastic) "Porn," 4-letter word.
Dick: Yeah, it's kinda tied into, like, the "x-treme" marketing thing?
Maddox: Which I also hate.
Dick: Like, everything has to be extreme now?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I know, man! I heard a...I heard a Tecate commercial...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...last week, and it sucked hearing it because I'm a big fan of Tecate. Um, where they...it was all about like, "mansplaining" and "manterven-..."
Maddox: Oh.
Dick: It was all this "man" shit, and I was -
Maddox: (interjects) More sexist agenda.
Dick: I was so sad about it that I...like I almost wished I had not started doing that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Back, when, like 10 years ago? When that was kind of new!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: To throw "man" on everything and do, like, that extremely masculine advertising.
Maddox: Well, now it's a derisive way to diminish something, or to use it as -
Dick: (interjects) It's condescending!
Maddox: Yeah, it's very condescending. It's a way to just attach gender onto some concept that they want to make...gendered, and push a social agenda where there is none.
Dick: Well, it was a beer commercial. I don't know if they were pushing a...social agenda, but...
Maddox: I dunno, man.
Dick: ...yeah. (cracks up)
Maddox: Anyway, dude. What do you, uh...what's your next problem?
Dick: Alright. My next problem is a big one.
Maddox: 'Kay.
Dick: I've been saving it up for a while, too.
Maddox: Alright!
Dick: You know. My problem is...changing your sheets! (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: (crickets chirping sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: It's a big problem!
Maddox: Is it? (giggling)
Dick: Have you ever had to change your sheets, Maddox?
Maddox: Uh, yeah, dude! Every time I...I wash them.
Dick: EVERY...every time I change my sheets...first of all, it's impossible to do right. (Sean smirks in the background) You feel like an IDIOT, because I will put it on -- somehow I managed to put my fitted sheet on wrong five times. Every time I change my sheets. There's no... (stammers) There's no way to tell which is which!
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom shouting, "You dumb shit!")
Dick: Which angle is which! Which, uh, corner is which. Do you know what I'm saying?
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "You are a jackass!") (laughs) How...Dick, you just...how do you put it on wrong FIVE TIMES?
Dick: I don't know!
Maddox: If you flip a coin every single time, you have a better chance of success than the way you did it.
Dick: You'd think so, but it just doesn't work like that. You put it on right the first time every time?
Maddox: Every time! You know why?
Dick: How do you...how do you do that?
Maddox: You look at the seams, and one side is ruffled and has fabric hanging out -
Dick: (interjects) NO, not inside out!! I mean I put it on, like, the wrong rectangle! I put the short side on the long side...
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: ...and the long side on the short side.
Maddox: Well, what, do you just get plain -
Dick: (interjects) So it doesn't fit!
Maddox: My sheets always have stripes on them so I know! The long way goes towards the long side of the bed, end of story!
Dick: Oh, you son of a bitch, that's pretty smart! (astonished)
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I don't want chicks to feel like they're in a prison when they're in my bed, though.
Maddox: No, no, no! They're very subtle. They're...it's like a two-tone...it's a very subtle two-tone sheet where the stripes are very, very -- you know, it's like a pinstripe suit, Dick!
Dick: I...I know what stripes are. (both laugh) That's pretty smart!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: You always got a solution for everything. Did you do that on purpose?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah?
Maddox: Yeah, I...
Dick: Huh!
Maddox: ...'cause I remember, I had this problem a long time -- actually, I didn't. When I was living at home -
Dick: (interjects) So it was a big problem for you at one point.
Maddox: No, I thought about it before I bought it at, uh...I think it was at Bed, Bath and Beyond or something. But at my parents' house, when I still lived in my pussy bed, I had a queen, right?
Dick: Excuse me?
Maddox: It was a pussy bed.
Dick: Why is it a pussy bed?
Maddox: It was for...pussies.
Dick: (stammers) What do you mean? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: It means everything you probably want it to mean. (Dick laughs) It was like, just...
Sean: It was a car, wasn't it?
Maddox: (laughing) No! What are you talkin' about?
Dick: It was a queen-size bed -
Maddox: It was a queen-size bed!
Dick: - that was for...what do you mean, it was "for pussies"?
Maddox: Well, queen-size beds are for pussies.
Dick: Oh, 'cause they're not big enough for you?
Maddox: They're not big enough for me, AND for *pussies.* (sexy tone)
Dick: Oh, I see. Okay.
Maddox: 'Cause I just banged a lot. (everyone bursts out laughing)
Dick: Another "bags of sand" comment from you! (laughs uncontrollably)
Maddox: FUCK you, Dick!
Dick: You bang a lot, you call it a "pussy bed"?? (squeaking through giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, man! It's my pussy wagon! (both laugh more) Hop...
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: ...hop in my pussy wagon!
Dick: And now you have racing stripes on your bed.
Maddox: They're not racing stripes, asshole!
Dick: So what would you do with your queen-size bed?
Maddox: Well, with that you don't need to, 'cause it has a very obvious longer side to it.
Dick: No, it's not obvious enough!! Look, I struggle with it -- every time I have to change my sheets, I feel like a stupid idiot...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...by the time I'm done with it, and I'm a sweating mess. Like, I have to take all of my clothes off and wrap a towel around my forehead like a turban every time I change my sheets.
Maddox: Oh, dude. GREAT.
Dick: That doesn't happen to you?!
Maddox: No! I'm not an idiot.
Dick: No, it...it's EXHAUSTING.
Maddox: Dude, if you put it on wrong once, just remember which corner was which and rotate it 90 degrees in ANY direction.
Dick: Yeah... (stammers) I understand that. But it just doesn't work like that. I don't know!
Maddox: It does!
Dick: I don't know what to tell you.
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's mom yelling, "This guy is STUPID!") Yeah.
Dick: It's awful.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: It's a huge pain in the ass.
Maddox: Yeah. I don't think so, Dick.
Dick: And -- AND, it's not necessary to do! The only reason you change your sheets is because you're gonna bang a chick...
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: ...and if she's already in bed, she's not gonna leave just 'cause the sheets are dirty!
Maddox: Well, she's not gonna stay!
Dick: Oh, that's...no, no, no. (derisively) She's already...she's already hooked in.
Maddox: (raises voice) Dude, I'm not...if I was a chick and I was over at your place, I'm not hanging around in your fucking disgusting beds with chili stains, and... (Sean laughs loudly in the background) ...pizza, like -
Dick: (interjects) I don't eat soup and chili and pizza in bed!!
Maddox: (laughing) I don't know...I don't know what you're doin' in your bed, dude. You're runnin' around your house wearing a turban, naked! (Dick cackles) The fuck are you talkin'...? Who the hell...I don't know what's going on in your house, in your life, man!
Dick: Well, it sounds like uh, the apocalypse outside, with all the helicopters and guys bumping their mufflers, so. (chuckling)
Maddox: (plays sound of engine idling from muffler video) Here you go, you don't think it's a problem! There you go, Dick. ( engine sounds stop) Anyway, man. Not a problem at all... (breaks down laughing) So stupid.
Dick: It's a problem. I had to change my sheets three times this week.
Maddox: Augh.
Dick: It's a nightmare.
Maddox: Why have you changed your sheets three times, Dick? What has been so disgusting in your sheets that you had to change...?
Dick: 'Cause this girl was coming over. Right?
Maddox: Same one?
Dick: Um...hold on. What do you mean, "same one"?
Maddox: Same... (chuckles) Oh, different girls every time?
Dick: No no, settle down.
Maddox: Okay. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Alright?
Maddox: What's goin' on, buddy?
Dick: I mean, I might not have a pussy bed like you. (both crack up) So calm down!
Sean: But I DO have girls who listen to this podcast. (Maddox and Dick laugh loudly)
Dick: So, girl was coming over. And I'm like, "I'm gonna...I'm gonna change my sheets. 'Cause it's been, uh, probably..." I dunno. Probably...I'll say a month and a half, but it was probably like 3 months. You know? Let's be honest.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So I change sheets, and they're awful.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So we sleep in...but like, she...they're so bad that she says how awful they are the next morning.
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: I was like, "Man, these...I don't think these sheets are...they're supposed to be flannel but they're, uh, they're really uncomfortable." She's like, "Yeah, it's like sleeping on a burlap sack."
Maddox: Oh, man. (exasperated)
Dick: So I'm like, "Alright." (sighs wearily)
Maddox: That's how much texture there was and grime on your sheets, that she said it felt like a...?
Dick: No, it was the MATERIAL! It was like a bad, coarse flannel. What do you...?! It wasn't like SAND. I don't have sand in my bed.
Maddox: I dunno, man. (skeptical)
Dick: So I change the sheets. She comes over next time...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...bang again, of course.
Maddox: Of course. (mocking)
Dick: And this girl is like, crazy in bed, so...sheets are soaked afterwards. Right?
Maddox: Ughhh. (shuddering) (Dick cackles)
Dick: So I'm like, "Fuck, I gotta change these sheets." Right? "This...what if another girl comes over?" (Maddox laughs) "I don't wanna have these, like, soaked...these sheets are ruined. I gotta throw them away." Right?
Maddox: Yeah, throw your MATTRESS away, buddy. (Sean cracks up)
Dick: There's more DNA in these sheets than there is in...in my body.
Maddox: (laughing) Gross!
Dick: Right? Like, counting all the cells. (smiling)
Maddox: Gross, man.
Dick: So I change the sheets...coincidentally, run into the same girl at a bar, bring her home, and I'm sitting there banging her again on brand new fresh sheets going, "Why did I change these sheets...again?"
Maddox: Because you're not a slob. Maybe that's why you change sheets, Dick.
Dick: It was a huge hardship for me. That's what I'm trying to get across.
Maddox: Oh, I'm sorry you went through... (giggling)
Dick: And it is for everyone out there as well. Changing your sheets.
Maddox: Sorry you went through such a hardship, Dick. (dryly) Sounds...
Dick: I got some stats.
Maddox: ...sounds real tough. Oho, you got some stats? Let's hear these!
Dick: Yeah. Um, 37 per-...if I have to change those sheets again this week?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I'm just gonna call the cops. (Maddox laughs) Just say, "You guys do it." I'm gonna be one of those YouTube 911 callers that's like, "Uh, officer? I need you to change my sheets."
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: "Right now."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 37 percent of people change their sheets every week or every other week.
Maddox: Hm!
Dick: That sounds like a lie. Can you imagine that hell? Changing your sheets every *week*?
Maddox: Well, every other week is men; every week is women.
Dick: Every other week?! Every WEEK people are changing their sheets??
Maddox: I know a -- I know a chick who changes her sheets probably once or twice a WEEK.
Dick: Oh my god.
Maddox: CONSTANTLY, laundry! (laughs)
Dick: How often do you change 'em?
Maddox: Mine?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Don't worry about it. (everyone laughs)
Dick: Well, you can just lie!
Maddox: Eh, a couple times a week. (smiling)
Dick: Okay. (chuckling) Sean, how often do you change your sheets? (Maddox keeps laughing) Do you even have sheets? I think you might just sleep on the floor, like some weird...monk.
Maddox: He sleeps on piles of weed. (laughs with Dick)
Dick: He sleeps sitting up! (guffaws) He sleeps on money!!
Maddox: On bales... (cracks up) ...bales of money and weed!
Sean: Jesus CHRIST.
Maddox: Drug lord! (through giggles)
Dick: Oh my god! That reminds me, I have an update on my man.
Maddox: Okay. (still laughing)
Dick: Sorry -- Sean, how often do you change your sheets?
Sean: I couldn't tell you exactly. I don't know. Probably not every two weeks, but...
Dick: Probably? You feel safe saying that? (grinning)
Sean: Depends on the...I'm constantly hot, so it's a lot more often in the summertime. But the thing is, is that...
Maddox: Hubba hubba! (Dick laughs)
Sean: ...usually like, a sheet... (raises voice over giggling) Usually a sheet or the, uh...or the fitted sheet doesn't make it back onto my bed all the time. Like, it's like I just can't -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, you sleep on the mattress?
Sean: I have before for like a week, and then I'm like, "Ah, I gotta put that thing back on there." But I have before -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's depression. That's what that's called. (Maddox laughs loudly)
Sean: Well, yeah.
Dick: I've gone...I've gone through a couple months of having no fitted sheet on the mattress. Those were dark days. (grinning)
Maddox: Yep! That is depression, I've been there, buddy! (Dick cackles) I've been there.
Sean: I got a trick, though! I got a trick to...so you can put the thing on right.
Dick: Okay, let's hear it.
Sean: You just have to remember where the *tag* is on it.
Dick: Ehh...
Sean: And remember that corner.
Dick: Yeah...I think I had that, but that's how I end up putting them on wrong five times. 'Cause I don't remember it right, and I'm like, "Well, just turn it 90 degrees," but I'm like, "Well..."
Sean: Yeah, but where's the fifth corner?
Maddox: What fifth corner?! What are you...?
Dick: I'm sure I just put them on -
Sean: (interjects) No, why did you do it... (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah!
Sean: ...wrong five times?
Dick: Because I put them on EXACTLY the same way every time. I'm sure. 'Cause I wad them all up, 'cause I have gigantic parachute sheets for my Cal king bed or whatever it is.
Maddox: Dick...
Dick: And it looks like a SQUARE. (annoyed)
Maddox: Dick, um, Sean hasn't been recording this episode. This is actually an intervention. You're an alcoholic.
Dick: Ha!
Maddox: We need to talk... (cracks up) We need to talk to you about...you can't even put on SHEETS on your fucking bed!! (Dick cackles loudly) You're -- this is a problem! It's become a problem.
Dick: I would...man, I've never tried doing it drunk. Putting sheets on my bed?
Maddox: That's a lie.
Dick: 'Cause it's like math! It's like math to me. No, I'll just sleep on the...on the couch.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: Or you...you might do it right the first time!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You guys are right, I should try.
Maddox: Hm.
Dick: Uh, yeah. 37 percent -- so, neither one of...both of you guys are taking the Fifth on how often you change your sheets? Is that what I'm hearing?
Maddox: No, you know, a couple times a month. Hey, so real quick, you had a story about your man!
Dick: A couple times a month! (scoffing)
Maddox: What...people were asking what happened to your man.
Dick: Oh, yeah! Somebody...somebody asked in the comments.
Maddox: And let's recap for those who haven't listened to that episode way back when. Dick went to Burning Man and brought back something worse than an STD, which is a live-in guest. I -
Dick: (interjects) I might've brought back both!
Maddox: Well, that's true! (laughing)
Dick: I still haven't got tested.
Maddox: Ohh, man.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Get your... (Dick laughs) I'm going to...FUMIGATE this apartment after you leave.
Dick: Okay, yeah. So I brought back this guy...my man. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Like, my Race...my Race Bannon. That was his name, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like my, uh...my valet.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's not a gay thing. 'Kay? It's just a guy. My man. (Sean giggles loudly in the background) And he occasionally imparts words of wisdom to me.
Maddox: Oho!
Dick: You know? (stammers) Just every once in a while!
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: So it's not condescending, but just if I might need them.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: He's there to look out...to look out for those moments. Right?
Maddox: Like a shitty drunk Yoda. (Sean giggles more)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: 'Kay. (amused)
Dick: Yeah, I guess -- yeah! That's a pretty accurate description.
Maddox: Yeah, and what does he...what did your "man" say?
Dick: Well, I'm not gonna tell the whole story now, 'cause I don't wanna...I don't wanna tell tales out of school on this one specifically.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Um, I get a text from him. He moved -- he stayed with me for a month.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: In my apartment, being my man.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And doing man stuff.
Maddox: (chuckling) Okay.
Dick: And then I, uh...he left. He had too much. He couldn't find a job. LA wasn't the answer for him.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Alright? So he moved up to Mendocino. Um...
Maddox: Where's Mendocino? What is that?
Dick: Uh, Mendocino, California is in the middle of like, weed county?
Maddox: You know anything about that? [to Sean] (brief pause) Anyway. So...
Dick: So everyone there is, uh...let's just say, a shady character.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So I get a text -
Maddox: (interjects) A good place for somebody who's havin'...who's down on his luck to move.
Dick: Yeah! Yeah. (smiling) So I get a text from him: "Hey, uh...hey Dick, how's it goin'? So, this guy..." Oh gosh, I don't know what to call...what to call this guy. I know him! He's an awesome guy.
Maddox: Call him "Chuck."
Dick: Nonononono, I mean I don't know how to describe what he does. He...he provides, uh, medicinal marijuana for people, I think! (cautiously)
Maddox: He's a dealer.
Dick: Uh, I don't know!
Maddox: M'kay. (chuckling)
Dick: I...I think the word is "kingpin." (Maddox laughs loudly) Not "dealer."
Maddox: He's a kingpin!
Dick: So my man says, "Hey, he wants to kill me."
Maddox: What?!
Dick: (cracks up) Oh yeah.
Maddox: He's got...
Dick: And then I'm like -
Maddox: (interjects) He's got a kingpin after him?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Trying to kill him??
Dick: And he goes, "And he wants to kill you too."
Maddox: Wow!!
Dick: This was a text. I was like, "Oh! Well, good to hear from you."
Maddox: Well, good job, Dick! (Dick laughs) Great, you got a kingpin after you. Anyway, uh...so my problem this week is... (laughs)
Dick: Wait a minute, wait a minute. 29 percent of people change their sheets once a month.
Maddox: M'kay.
Dick: And 34 percent...uh, at least more. More than that.
Sean: I don't believe that, though.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, everybody's lying!!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: I'm the only one here that told the truth about it!
Sean: Yeah, because nobody wants to be considered...
Dick: Gross!
Sean: ...like, a total slob or disgusting, yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: A couple times a month. That's me, for real.
Dick: That...really??
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Eh...
Sean: I might -
Maddox: (interjects) It's easy!
Dick: I don't wanna...I don't wanna test it. We could set up a whole test, but...we gotta set it up in secret.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, we're not doin' that. (Dick and Sean laugh) So anyway...anyway, Dick, my problems this week were Loud Muffler Douchebags and Non-Porn Porn.
Dick: Okay. My problems are Jury Duty and Changing Your Sheets. (closing riff starts)
Maddox: So don't forget to vote on these problems at http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. Check out Audible, our sponsor this week. Thank you for supporting us! Thanks for listening.
(closing riff)
--------------------
Dick: I'm gonna play some, uh...some erotic stories for you. It was hard to put this together, 'cause as I was listening to it I kept, uh, kept having to jerk off and take a break. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Well, thank God you were able to find it!
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling) Are you ready for an erotic experience?
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.
[Dick plays first clip from erotic lactation audiobook]
Female Narrator: "Milked at Her Uncle's Farm: Vanessa's Dairy Farm Training." (Maddox laughs)
Dick: See, the voice could be sexier.
Female Narrator: By Lia Milken.
Maddox: I dunno, it's doin' it for me.
Dick: Pretty clever! [referring to author's name]
Female Narrator: Chapter 1: Vanessa Takes the Bus to Her Uncle's Farm.
Maddox: Sounds like a sapiosexual. (Dick laughs)
Dick: What were you gonna say, Sean?
Sean: No, it sounds like a computerized voice or something like that!
Maddox: Yeah. It's kinda weird.
Dick: (laughing) Yeah! Well...
Sean: It doesn't sound human. It's weird.
Dick: This next part is gonna... (cracks up) ...uh, give you some more evidence for that.
Female Narrator: Sexy Latina Vanessa was on the bus on I-35 in Texas to her uncle's farm south of Nuevo Laredo...
[Dick pauses clip]
Maddox: Wow!
Dick: Sounds like a GPS, right?
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Still hot! [resumes clip]
Female Narrator: Tamaulipas, Mexico. She could not believe that her family was forcing her to go to work for him in Mexico for the summer.
Maddox: "In Mexico." (robotically) (Dick laughs)
Dick: Anything goes in Mexico.
Female Narrator: Yes, sure, she got into some trouble in college and flunked a class...
Maddox: This is not a robot, but it SOUNDS robotic, right? It's kinda weird.
Female Narrator: ...but did that mean she had to go work on a farm? A FARM? Really? Her mother told her it would make her appreciate the opportunities she had in college.
Maddox: Wink, wink! (laughs with Dick)
Female Narrator: The hard manual labor would make her wish she could go back and study.
Maddox: Wait, did she say...does it say "hard manual labor" or "hard MANUEL labor"? (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Female Narrator: It was already working. This five-hour bus trip was never ending, (Dick laughs) and all she could think of were the sisters she had left in her sorority, all the hot guys she had hooked up with. (Dick and Maddox burst out laughing) Vanessa enjoyed playing the field...
[clip ends]
Maddox: That's what I'm thinkin' of when I'm goin' to Mexico for hard labor. (Dick laughs more) All the hot guys I've hooked up with! (sexy tone)
Dick: I got two more. I only got three clips from it. Uh, this...this particular clip struck me as weird while I was listening to it. I listened to it once for enjoyment...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...and then a second time, um...
Maddox: For more enjoyment.
Dick: ...to bring in -- yeah, for more enjoyment. Then a couple times later, I got...I brought it in for clips. Here you go. [ plays second clip from audiobook]
Female Narrator: She refused to totally give up her city lifestyle for the Mexican farm, (Maddox chuckles) so she kept her Kindle Fire HD and her iPhone 5...
[clip ends]
Maddox: HA!!
Dick: Awfully specific. (laughs)
Maddox: Very specific.
Dick: I don't know! It's erotica for women though, right? All erotica is for women.
Maddox: Ehh...what?
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, all erotic literature is for women.
Maddox: If there are no pictures, then yes.
Dick: If this was erotic literature for men, it would be 7 minutes long.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And it would just be descriptions of tits.
Maddox: And it would be written in a way so that the...the text itself formed pictures.
Dick: And there would be a guy grunting in the background.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Constantly. Alright, here's the last...the last clip. Because this -- I'm trying to like, think of what...what women wanna hear in their erotic literature. Alright? [plays third clip from audiobook]
Female Narrator: If the guys on this bus were any indication of the farm hands, she believed she would have everybody wrapped around her finger before bedtime.
Maddox: Whoa! (quietly)
Dick: Yeah.
Female Narrator: Already she had had one guy pay for her lunch, while another bought her a soda at the last stop.
Maddox: Sucker.
Dick: It's a fantasy!
Maddox: Yeah. (both laugh) Guys buyin' you sodas, payin' for your lunch!
Female Narrator: All that for just a tiny smile and a couple of words. She hadn't even had to flirt or put out at all. (everyone laughs hysterically)
[clip ends]
Maddox: Oh, man!
Sean: She's been on the bus like 25 minutes, right??
Dick: She hasn't had to put out yet!! (screeching through giggles) (everyone laughs more)
Maddox: I wish there was some statistic to see how many women stopped right there to finish masturbating. "Oh man, I didn't even have to put out! This guy bought me a Coke, what a sap!" (more laughter)
Dick: Well, she gets hers. That's all I've got...that's all I've got from Chapter 1, but she gets hers eventually.
Maddox: Great. I got a quick voicemail.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: I don't know if this is, uh... [plays voicemail]
Voicemail: (stupid, aggressive voice) Uhhh, derka derka! Uh-derka derka derka derka. Uh-derka derka derka derka derka derka derka, uh-derka derk -
Maddox: [cuts off message] It just goes on for like 30 seconds like that.
Dick: Yeah. You forgot the "Mohammed jihad" parts.
Maddox: Yep. And, one more. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail: (in a fake Korean accent) Herro, Maddox!
Dick: Huh?
Voicemail: This is the president of North Korea, Kim Jong-un.
Maddox: Oh, it's our friend Kim Jong-un!
Voicemail: I've been listening to your podcast lately, and I caught something interesting. You said you were against satire. "Satire is the biggest probrem, people should be jailed for satire." Yeah, I agree witchu.
Maddox: Oh!
Voicemail: I'm right there with you. You're so right, Maddox. You're SO smart.
Maddox: Yeah!
Voicemail: Now, alotta guys say that they're good at giving oral sex; guys like you and me, we're good at RECEIVING oral sex.
[message ends]
Maddox: That's a fact!
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling)
Maddox: That's a fact.
Dick: That's...great call-in.
Maddox: Yeah. (everyone laughs)
Dick: I got one more. [plays last voicemail message]
Voicemail: Yeah, when are you assholes gonna get around to some real problems? (Maddox chuckles) Fuckin' talkin' about satire being a problem is not even close to a real problem.
Maddox: Oh! (flatly)
Voicemail: Have you ever fuckin' put on a pair of tube socks?? In your entire fuckin' life? (yelling angrily) That is the fuckin' worst thing that you can fuckin' experience next to WET tube socks! (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Wet tube socks.
Voicemail: (yells louder) Wear wet tube socks, and you ru-...your WHOLE FUCKIN' LIFE is just out the goddamn window! (everyone laughs) What do you...fucking address the tube socks before shit gets serious! It's fuckin' awful, and it's gone on for too long! Why do we...WE LIVE IN A FUCKING FIRST-WORLD COUNTRY! And we're getting fuckin'...Chinese tube socks shipped over by the boatload, probably! I have no fuckin' idea. (Dick and Maddox keep giggling) But they're a fuckin' problem. The only thing a fuckin' tube sock should ever be used for is stuffing into the end of a Molotov cocktail to BURN DOWN A FUCKIN' TUBE SOCK FACTORY! (everyone laughs loudly) Fuck you both!! Get to addressing the tube socks.
[message ends]
Maddox: Why do I get the feeling that that guy made that voi-...that phone call on speakerphone with a bottle of whiskey in one hand and a gun in the other? (everyone laughs)
Dick: And a bunch of...tube socks with holes in them?
Maddox: A.K.A. you, Dick. Did you call in?
Dick: No. Alright! That's it. (fades out)