Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 17

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Dick: This episode is brought to you by Audible. Go to for your free audio book download.

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyy! What's up, buddy?!

Maddox: Hey.

Dick: Happy to be here.

Maddox: Like always.

Dick: It starts out the best part of the week for me and it ends up, after an hour, the worst part of the week for me (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You know, Dick, I was thinking about the podcast recently, and there's something we haven't really done in a long time, which is just kind of tell people exactly what we're doing. Just as a reminder, we are ranking all the problems in the universe. Everything from ants to AIDS.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: So we're gonna cover the entire spectrum. So…if this is the first episode you're listening to, that's what we're doing here.

Dick: Well, and, the surprise…the experiment that we're conducting here is really to crowd source what the biggest problem in the universe is. I am consistently surprised at what's the biggest problem in the universe according to people.

Maddox: And…I am not. (mutters) Yeah. (chuckles)

Dick: Alright. Well, how did we do last week?

Maddox: So…the first problem last week ranking number one…was…"Cooooooold Lasers"!

Dick: Yessssssssssss!!! Yes.

Maddox: Congrats, Dick. You know, I…

Dick: (interjects) Hahahahaha!! (cackles)

Maddox: Why is it...why do you gloat like such a…like a happy idiot?

Dick: Because! It's…I'm the little guy here!

Maddox: Awwww.

Dick: You…you've got everyone voting for your horseshit video games, and when I finally plug a problem up to the top of the hill, man, it's great for me!

Maddox: It's a good problem. I thought that was a really good problem. Because that shit is outrageous. And after the episode, I had all these fans sending me pictures…because they were all getting therapy…they were all sending me pictures of their lasers. And I'm like yeah…that…that just looks like LED display.

Dick: It is!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they're all getting it too.

Maddox: Yeah, it's pretty hilarious.

Dick: That's like… I don't know. Millions of dollars in people…

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah.

Dick: …Sitting in medical offices having flashlights shone on their extremities.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is medicine.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'd rather go back to leeches.

Maddox: Well….I don't know. Uh…then followed by "Game Post-Purchases", then "Game Pre-Purchases", and then your bullshit non-problem that Dick thought of on the way in to record the podcast, "Missing Your Fantasy Football Draft".

Dick: (laughs) That's a big problem, man.

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah…ohohoho yeah.

Dick: I'm suffering bad this week.

Maddox: According to everyone, it's almost the lowest problem that we have on the list.

Dick: (clears throat) Well, they don't have my fantasy team.

Maddox: Apparently. Apparently YOU don't have your fantasy team. The Dad Slayer. (laughs) Uhh…we've got some comments.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: I have one from Scott McGregor. He says, "Female genital mutilation is a bigger problem than male genital mutilation because women love their vaginas and men love vaginas…No one loves Dick. Except maybe his mom. His mom loves Dick." (laughs) (laughter in background)

Dick: Oh. That's great.

Maddox: That's a good comment, Scott.

Dick: Uhh...I've got one. Kyle Belmont. "Making most of my emails a simple sentence has really improved things. Thanks for saving me time." One of my first problems, as you know, was long emails.

Maddox: Mhmm. (skeptical)

Dick: And it sounds like I'm making the world a better place.

Maddox: What's that guy's name?

Dick: Kyle Belmont.

Maddox: Kyle. Kyle…you're not saving time if you have to go back and explain something because you didn't do a good job the first time.

Dick: Kyle, you nailed it. Ignore him. Here's one from Chris Davis. "I've got to call Maddox out. He hates conspiracy dipshits, but makes a conspiracy theory by saying that hackers can find out where you live by where you pre-order your game." And I got this…I heard a lot about that one.

Maddox: Really.

Dick: What the hell is Maddox talking about, finding out where you live by pre-ordering a game?

Maddox: Okay. You know…not the STRONGEST part of the argument, but not the entire argument either, dickheads! By the way, it's still possible. (excited) And I'm not saying it's a conspiracy that this is happening. I'm saying it's plausible. It's a possibility that it could happen. Okay. Whatever.

Dick: Get your tinfoil hat out, buddy.

Maddox: Go to Hell. Idiots. Um…I got a comment from Noah John. He was commenting about the steak episode where I said that you could get a cheap steak and cheap wine and be fine. He says, "A date with Maddox sounds like a blast. Shite steak, shite wine, Maddox bragging about how only idiots would spend more and endlessly repeating that the entire spread only cost 20$. Then a weird long awkward pause followed by Maddox suggesting he is a serial killer." (laughs)

Dick: And sound effects. Don't forget the sound effects.

(buzzer sound effect)

Maddox: There's a sound effect for you. Dick Noah.

Dick: What is a date with you like?

Maddox: It's great. It starts with a bang and ends with a ….(laughs) (Dick laughs)…ends with a bang. My dates are a blast.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah. You know, I am a great dater. I really am. Even a shit date, I can turn a shit date around. I know how to turn that ship around.

Dick: Like a shit date, like what? Like she's not into you…or she's just boring…

Maddox: Hey, no. They're all into me. Alright? No. Just...uh…a shit date, like 'Oh man, she's a dud' or she's just kind of weird, or she's had a long day and she's not talking or whatever. I can turn that shit around.

Dick: (interjects) Yeah.

Maddox: I can make that date…

Dick: (interjects) How? What's your secret?

Maddox: Oh, I leave. (laughs) (Dick and Sean laugh) Um, I've got one last comment. This Is from Kristen Moose Rider, and…so…this is in relation to the ad. This is the first episode we actually had the ad at the top.

Sean: (interjects) Wait…Kristen Moose Rider? (incredulous)

Maddox: Rider, yeah.

Sean: Like a moose rider? Like…

Maddox: Oh. I didn't even read that. Yeah. Kristen Moose Rider. Like a moose rider, I guess.

Sean: Strange name. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Strange name! Pretty cool. My fans have all sorts of cool, and ALL REAL names. So, Moose Rider here says…um…so we were talking about the advertisement we were going to do a couple of episodes ago. We finally got Audible on board, which is great. And it's a very nonintrusive ad, and we like the company, so this is what that ad is going to help support. Kristen says "I completely agree and would also like to directly donate. I've been interpreting the show into American Sign Language to my deaf boyfriend. We both love the show and would appreciate equal access for the rest of the deaf community." So people are not only doing this, they're offering to help out. Now we can actually pay some of these people to transcribe episodes.

Dick: Great. We're saints.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…I got a comment for you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: From Mr. X…and then Mr. X, like a happy face guy. "Hey Dick! Awesome show you three have. Would you mind asking Maddox if we can expect a new article every time one of your problems bombs voting-wise? I'd appreciate it. Thanks. Steve" If you remember, Spider-Woman's ass was a problem you brought into the show, and I think it got summarily trounced by all the other problems.

Maddox: I'm not…I'm not sure about that…we'd have to go back and check the records…

Dick: But! Then you turned it into an amazing video.

Maddox: Yes! I did.

Dick: How's it doing?

Maddox: Uh...incredible. So, normally, my videos, I expect to get around 120,000 views within a week. And this video, within several hours, was already near half a million views. And the latest I checked, it was near about a million views already, and it's only been up for about three days. So I basically expanded that rant I did on the show and put all the stuff…'cause I did waaay more research…here's what the listeners probably don't even realize. That we do HOURS of research…well, I do hours of research (Sean laughs)

Dick: Yeah, I do a good, like, 10-15 minutes.

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah…I'm not counting the drive in, Dick. Um, but yeah, I do hours of research for the show, and I don't even get to all of the points I want to make. So that's why I said, you know, I still have so much ammo here for this fucking Spider-Woman issue, I need to bring this in…

Dick: (interjects) And it got beaten really hard. That probably stoked a fire in you, too. (Maddox laughs) 'cause it got fucking hammered.

Maddox: No, you know what? It SHOULD have got…that's the point though! (excited) It should have gotten beat. It's a non-issue. So my fans listened and they know what the message was. And they voted it down. It's a non-issue. So I'm actually happy that…

Dick: (interjects) You're happy that you lost.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, so you won. That's a victory for you.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. That's exactly what I was going for.

Dick: Great. (laughs) Yeah, you'd be a great dater, man.

Maddox: Hey, real quick. (laughs) Real quick, one last commenter. My mom called me the other day (laughs) and she said she's been listening to the episodes.

Dick: Cool!

Maddox: Uh…yeah. (coughs/laughs)

Dick: Hi, Maddox's Mom!

Maddox: Yeah. Hi Mom! So, she said…here's some notes. She gave us some notes. You ready for this?

Dick: (breathes deeply) Yeah.

Maddox: The first comment she said "Listen, I really like the problem you guys brought in about the militarized police."

Dick: Cool! That was me!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: All me!

Maddox: Yeah! I didn't know that was even something on my mom's radar, or something she thought about, but she actually really liked that problem. Then, she said "Too much fuck". She says I "say the fuck word too much." And that's how she said it, too.

Dick: (interjects) That was a problem of mine too! (exclaims)

Maddox: (laughs) Dick, great. You and my mom have that in common. What else do you and my mom have in common?

Dick: We should go out, man. We should see what's going on.

Maddox: Yeah, no. Gross. (laughs) So, "too much fuck word". And then she says "Why are you so mean to your friend?" And I said "What do you mean?" and she said, "Well, you're always saying 'Dick, Dick, Dick'" and I'm like "Oh, oh that's his name, Mom." (laughs) So she wants me to stop calling you "Dick". And then the final note that she gave me is we talked about going out on dates and how I will never call a girl back or give her a second date if she doesn't at least make an offer to pay for something, right? She says "You're right, Maddox. Don't pay too much for a date, because then you're just paying for sex."

Dick: Wow!

Maddox: Yeah. Sound advice from Mama Maddox.

Dick: Uhhh....I mean, that's why I like doing it.

Maddox: You like…you like paying for sex.

Dick: Yeah, I would rather just, look, I'm putting it out there. This isn't like a weird communist dating dystopia where we're both bringing an equal share to the table. I'm bringing money, you're bringing sex! Perfect. Great. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Great, Dick. Yeah. A date with you sounds awesome. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Uh, can we get to the problems?

Maddox: Do it.

Dick: My first problem is "Shitty Road Trip Passengers".

Maddox: Oh, okay. "Shitty Road Trip Passengers". Big problem.

Dick: It is. So I drove up to…I went to Burning Man last week, which you know.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And uhh…I offered to take this lovely Korean girl up there with me. She didn't have a ride.

Maddox: I think I know who you're talking about. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. So I was expecting…I don't let women drive, first of all…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh Jesus, Dick.

Dick: If we're going on a road trip. Oh no no no no! It stresses them out too much!

Maddox: Meh.

Dick: The last thing you want at the end of a road trip is a stressed out woman. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Oh, sure.

Dick: Plus, I don't want some fucking woman driving my truck.

Maddox: You know, you could have just started with that and ended with that. That's totally reasonable, but you went right for the unreasonable at first.

Dick: Yeah, well. Anyway. I expected like 12-15 hours of her dicking around on her phone, playing Sudokus, like (Maddox: Mhmm.) hearing half of a conversation as she fights with people over email. But this girl was like, looking up directions! Looking up coffee! I mentioned that I would like some coffee and she's on Yelp finding nearby coffee spots!

Maddox: Oh no!

Dick: No, it was amazing! (exclaims)

Maddox: Oh, okay, great, yeah.

Dick: It was amazing! I'm saying that my experience with her made me realize how every other person I've ever been on a road trip with is a total fuckin' asshole!

Maddox: Yeah! A total douche!

Dick: Sitting on their phone…

Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Dick: Dicking around with whatever.

Maddox: I used to have a girlfriend who would infuriate me while we were driving because I'm battling traffic, I'm trying to find the destination, I'm doing the best I can, I'm trying to beat the clock, and I also have to pull over and look up directions on my GPS, and meanwhile, I look at her…ahhh, preening herself, you know, looking at herself in the mirror, umm, just dicking around on her phone, checking texts. I'm like "Hey! Are you part of this transaction, or do I have to do everything myself? Can you help out?"

Dick: Is this a bus? Am I a chauffeur?

Maddox: Yeah. Why do I even have to ask? I'm not your fucking chauffeur. Why do I have to ask?

Dick: What's up, Sean?

Sean: Well to be fair, it is really hard on a bike.

(Dick and Maddox crack up)

Maddox: Ahhh, fucking Sean.

Dick: Ohhhh, gotcha. Uh, so we pull over to get…after Burning Man, we pull over to get Indian Tacos.

Maddox: What…what are Indian Tacos?

Dick: Indian Tacos. It's a…it's like a deep fried tortilla or pita or something?

Maddox: A scone, yeah.

Dick: No - a scone? What the hell…

Maddox: (interjects) It's a Navajo…Navajo Tacos, that's what you're talking about, right?

Dick: Yeah. That's called a scone? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah. They're scones.

Dick: Is that a…what about the things at Starbucks?

Maddox: Those are…those are different kinds of scones. Navajo Tacos do a fluffier, doughy scone, but anyway, yeah…

Dick: Okay, yeah. So you know what I'm talking about.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's a scone. A weird, not Starbucks scone.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Full of, like, taco meat and fixin's. So I order like three of them.

Maddox: Oh my God.

Dick: 'cause I'm starving. We get in the car, and I'm thinking…I'm looking at this smorgasbord of meat and cheese, and I'm thinking "I might as well just throw this all over the car". (Maddox laughs) Right? 'cause there's no fuckin' way I'm gonna be able to eat this and drive at the same time, and I'm sure as shit not NOT driving.

Maddox: You're not NOT driving.

Dick: Yeah. I'm going.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm eating on the road. I'm not sitting there staring at my car, watching it do nothing while people are whizzing down the highway on their way home, right?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why…why would you do one thing fast and efficiently, when you could do two things slow and badly?

Dick: Yeah! Exactly. You know what I'm talking about!

Maddox: I know what you're talking about.

Dick: So, this girl. We get in the car, and I'm right about ready to just pour it all over myself and see what gets in my mouth across my fingers.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: She grabs my food and arranges it into, like, an edible cone, and hands it to me one by one! And then eats her food after I'm eating!!

Maddox: Oh my…who is this…

Dick: (interjects) It was unbelievable! I know! (yells)

Maddox: Who is this saint you went out to Burning Man with?

Dick: I think…I think it was a hallucination.

Maddox: Lemme see your hand, man. You got a ring?

Dick: No.

Maddox: You fucked up! You should marry that woman.

Dick: Yeah. Well…

Maddox: That's amazing!

Dick: No, I know it was amazing!

Maddox: Nobody does that.

Dick: No.

Maddox: Nobody's that considerate. Nobody offers. (disgusted)

Dick: You know, your story about your girlfriend reminds me…I had this long relationship with this girl. And the only...pretty much the only thing I remember…I remember two things about her. One, she had enormous cans.

Maddox: (laughs) Great.

Dick: And two, one night, these guys, their car was broken down or something, so I pulled my car over and helped them push it to like, a gas station.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Thinking…I was young and stupid, and I thought maybe she would jump over into the driver's seat and like, drive down the road to catch up with me.

Maddox: Uh-huh. No.

Dick: No. I walk the quarter mile back to the car, and uh…she's on her phone playing Snake.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: 'cause this was back in the day…

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah.

Dick: When there were no cell phones…no internet on the phone, even.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Just playing Snake.

Maddox: Playing Snake. The old, LED, like, the black and white cell phones without even color screens yet.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'cause that's the only fucking thing that they can have to distract them and take them out of reality.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So she's sitting there playing Snake while you're doing a good thing and helping these dudes out.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And that's all I remember.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Is how much of a shitty passenger she was.

Maddox: Yeah. I've had those too. I remember in Utah, I think this was in Utah, or maybe it was more recently…but I was on a date and I was doing the gentlemanly thing, 'cause it was very cold outside, and I opened the door for her first and let her into the car. Then I'm walking around the other side to the door and I have to brush snow off of my door handle, and I'm fiddling with the keys, and the door lock is jammed with ice. And what is she doing?! Sittin' in there, lookin' at her naiiiiiils. Playing Snake. Or whatever the fuck. Not reaching over to unlock the door for me! God forbid. Because apparently you're entitled to having the door opened and it's just something that guys have to do for you, right? And then we just have to stand out there…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, who knows how door locks work?!

Maddox: Ugh, yeah. Yeah.

Dick: You know? You gotta have the key…maybe…(sarcastic)

Maddox: Ugh…every car is different. Who knows. (sarcastic)

Dick: The alarm might go off and that would be embarrassing (sarcasm continues)

Maddox: Plus, sometimes when you reach over, the brake might jab your ribs a little bit, so you don't want that.

Dick: Yeah. You'll flash too much skin.

Maddox: Might flash a little bit of skin. Too much. So, so…Dick. You're talking…you've talked about a REALLY good road trip partner.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But, you haven't mentioned a bad one.

Dick: All of them. All of them except her are bad. Now I'm judging everyone based on this. If we're ever driving somewhere…

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah.

Dick: And you pull your phone out, I will smash my car into the side of the fucking road.

Maddox: (yells) Me pulling my phone out! You're the one with your fucking phone out all the time, text text text! With your emoji!

Dick: Yeah but I'm driving, so it's okay. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: You make me so mad with your stupid emoji!

Dick: This girl wouldn't even sleep! Like, I was just…like, just stayed up talking!

Maddox: Yeah. Here's what I do. Okay? Here's what kind of driver I am. When I'm trying to get someone somewhere fast and I need to get them there, if it's a long trip, sometimes it's a four-hour road trip?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I'll bring a bottle of Tabasco with me and I'll start drinking it. If I'm starting to feel drowsy? Because I'm on a mission and I'm gonna get us there (Dick laughs) and I'm gonna get shit done. And if I'm starting to nod off, I'll just choke down that Tabasco and I'll be choking on it and I'll just have a runny nose, and I'll be sweating and miserable and my eyes are red and bloodshot and I'll fucking get us there alive, bitch!

Dick: Doesn't it reek of Tabasco sauce the entire way?! (laughs)

Maddox: Oh, yeah. The car reeks. I have also carried bottles of water on me and I just pour it on myself. I just start pouring water on me.

Dick: (laughs) What?! (incredulous)

Maddox: To keep awake. Yeah.

Dick: It sounds like you're being driven around by a trash man. (Maddox cracks up) Like you're soaking with water? What a disaster!

Maddox: But. The car smells like vinegar. So there's that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, no, the Tabasco thing. That's actually why I can tolerate a lot of heat when it comes to spicy food. People used to joke - actually, Tucker Max did an interview one time about the "Real Maddox" and he says "Yeah, in real life he's not really as aggressive and he doesn't really drink Tabasco…" and I'm like "Wrong, bucko, I actually do drink Tabasco." And I started doing that just to stay awake on long drives, because nothing else would keep me awake. Rolling the windows down wouldn't. Listening to the radio wouldn't.

Dick: Weird, man.

Maddox: What?

Dick: It's just. It's weird that you discovered your lust for drinking Tabasco sauce because you had to drive around at night so much.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I wouldn't say a lust so much as a crutch, I guess. But uh, you're setting the bar pretty high there, buddy, with that Korean chick. I mean, you're not gonna find another one of her. I'm a great…I'm a great passenger. I help. I look things up on GPS. I look up alternate routes. I look ahead to see where traffic is to route us around!

Dick: Here's where you are wrong. You are also a huge asshole…

Maddox: (laughs) (laughter in background)

Dick: …and criticizing someone's driving all the fucking time.

Maddox: Hey, it's constructive!

Dick: Like, how come you're not going there? How come you're not going there? Honk at this guy…YOU'VE HONKED MY HORN AT SOMEONE in traffic! (Maddox cracks up) Do you know what an egregious move that is? I would rather you cop a feel on a girl I'm going out with than honk my fuckin' horn!

Maddox: Ohhhh, excuse me! You know what, I had to move a layer of dust before I honked your fucking horn, because you're such a pussy when you drive! There's…you NEVER use that horn! That's the first time you've heard your horn in your life, buddy! And I helped you do it!

Dick: No, I sit there and jam out on it sometimes…what's up, Sean?

Sean: We have established that Maddox is a road rager from a previous episode. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Yeah! Yeah, we have! You honk other people's horns, dude! That's crazy!

Maddox: Sean, you mean "a road rage". (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, he's a road rage.

Sean: Oh, that's right, it was…yeah, you are a road rage.

Maddox: I am a road rage (laughs)

Sean: Maddox IS a road rage.

Maddox: (laughs) Still. It's not aggressive! I'm saving lives! I seriously am! I seriously am! (excited, yelling) I was in an intersection, I kid you not, a couple of months ago. This guy started going through the intersection during a red light. I was behind him and I started honking my horn and he slammed on the brakes before someone turned into him, and backed up!

Dick: Yeah, that's the correct usage of the horn. You don't usually use it like that, though.

Maddox: Dick, you don't even understand the difference between an aggressive honk and a courteous honk.

Dick: (yelling) That's 'cause it's ONE HORN! There's NO INFLECTION!

Maddox: No!!!

Dick: (yelling) It just goes BEEP!!

Maddox: There is inflection, dude! A little "beep!" That's, that's a "Hey, I'm here!" or a "Hey, go!"…versus "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP!" That's like a "FUUCK YOUUUUU!" That's the difference.

Dick: Can you imagine, if like everybody had a bunch of different horn sounds, like emoticons in their car?

Maddox: Yeah. Oh yeah.

Dick: Emoticons, which you hate, but I think you would love different horn frequencies.

Maddox: Oh yeah. Of course. Well, I think you would, 'cause I know how to use one horn with different inflections. (jeers) You apparently don't. You think it's all aggressive all the time.

Dick: Well, it depends what you're doing.

Maddox: You're projecting.

Dick: Yeah, alright. Um, well that's my problem.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: I think everyone can identify with that. I rewarded that girl, by the way.

Maddox: Which one?

Dick: Uh, did I tell you this? The Korean girl.

Maddox: Oh. How did you reward her?

Dick: So, she wanted some McDonald's on her way home.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: And my truck was like, packed up like the Beverly Hillbillies, right? So it wouldn't fit through the drive through, and the inside was closed. So I walked up to the window and I'm like "Hey, truck won't fit through. Can I get some food?"

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: And she goes "No." And I said "Okay, well I'll tell you what then. You see that truck? I'm gonna drive it THROUGH the drive through until I get food." (Maddox cackles) So I backed it up. She's like "Oh, what did they say?" and I said "Don't worry about it. They said come and get it" (laughing) (Maddox and Sean laugh) I said "Wait here. Wait out in the street." So I backed it up and drove through, you know those clearance signs?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Knocked the shit out of that.

Maddox: Good!!!

Dick: Went up to the little ordering booth and starting ordering and like, gunning it to get through the thing...

Maddox: ((interjects) Yeah…(laughs)

Dick: So all this lumber that I'm hauling is, like, creaking and cracking.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And the manager comes on the box and goes "Sir! Sir! Back up! We'll give you food! Just stop doing what you're doing!" (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: So you're like a drive-through terrorist! (laughs)

Dick: (laughing) So I went back out where she was waiting. And she was like "Did you get the food?" and I was like "Yeah, you gotta go up and get it, though. 'cause they've seen enough of me for today."

Maddox: Uh-huh. Great. Great. Yeah, of course. (laughs) You know, I'm on board. I support that dickish maneuver.

Dick: Yeah, man!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Everybody's got their skill.

Maddox: Yeah, good job, Dick.

Dick: I'm getting McDonald's at 1 AM no matter what. Go ahead, what's your problem?

Maddox: Mmyeah. Well, that's when you lose when you win. Anyway, (laughs) my first problem this week is "Nepotism"!

Dick: Ooh.

Maddox: Big problem. Big concept. So, for people who don't understand worse with syllables, nepotism is (laughs)…is when you favor somebody you know, friends or family, for, say, a job, or some kind of better placement in a line, or entry to a place that is closed off for special members, or whatever. And that's…that's what nepotism is.

Dick: Wait a minute. I thought nepotism was only family based. I thought cronyism is when you do it for friends and family. Or does it not matter anymore? It's just a word.

Maddox: Yeah…you know. It's in the same universe. Same concept applies. Cronyism versus nepotism is just semantics, but the problem is that you're favoring people you know, or friends and family. Cronyism. Nepotism. Good distinction. Um, so…here's…this is straight up from Wikipedia. This is some nepotism in politics that goes WAY back in our country's history. Around 30 family members or relatives of president Ulysses S. Grant prospered financially in some way from either government appointments or employment. Did you know that?

Dick: No, I assume that 100% of people in politics are just…like, I look at politics like a business. It's like a family business that one family passes down to the next one. So I absolutely…that doesn't surprise me.

Maddox: Yeah. John F. Kennedy made his brother in law, Sargent Shriver, the first director of the Peace Corps, and his brother Robert F. Kennedy, Attorney General.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And to this day, we still have a legacy of Kennedys in office. Well, wait. Maybe…did the last one die? I dunno.

Dick: I dunno.

Maddox: Did they all die?

Dick: I dunno. (laughs) I don't know anything about politics. I only know headlines from the Drudge Report.

Maddox: Well…oh...great. Well, we here at the Biggest Problem like to be accurate, so maybe they're all dead. Um, you might want to check that. So anyway, this is from the Washington Post. So, there's a family called the Kulle family. K-U-L-L-E. Kulle family. And here's the number of people that they hired for the airport authority of Washington. Ann Kulle Helms, the son-in-law, Douglas Helms, the son Albert, daughter-in-law Michelle Kulle, and Michelle's brother, Jeffrey Thacker. They all worked for the Metropolitan Washington Airport Authority. All at the same time.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's like an entire generation, or two, of family members who worked for this family.

Dick: Yeah. Uh…wouldn't you do that, though? Like if you had to hire somebody for a position, what are you gonna do? Are you gonna go out and run an ad on Craigslist? You're gonna hire your buddies, right? 'cause you know them, you can work with them.

Maddox: Yeah. I've been thinking about this, man. What do you do? Because if two people came in…both…Here's the thing. If two people came in, both equally qualified, I would probably be friendly to the person I know. I wouldn't pretend like I don't know them. Right? You have to.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You…you have to…ethically, what you should do, is recuse yourself. So say, "Hey, I know this person. I shouldn't be involved in this decision-making process."

Dick: I've got too much shit to do to do that. To be ethical.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, that's…everybody does, though! I'm saying, like, you run your t-shirts. You sell your t-shirts, right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: So you need help doing that. Somebody you know is gonna come help you out.

Maddox: I mean, I guess…

Dick: If you were running…let's say you were running…uh…what is that? The government. Instead.

Maddox: (laughing) Right.

Dick: Somebody's gonna come in and help you out. Right? I'm gonna come in and say "Hey Maddox, uhh…you've got all this alcohol and tobacco and firearms stuff you gotta deal with. Lemme take it off your hands. Don't worry about it."

Maddox: Yeah. But, I mean…it doesn't always happen that way and it shouldn't happen that way. Because, what happens is…more often than not, you're not hiring the most qualified candidate for that job. You're just hiring your buddy. And, I used to…when I used to work for the telemarketing company, one of the guys who had the CUSHIEST job in the entire fucking company, he made well over six figures a year, and his job, entirely…well, you would think his job was to golf. But his job is to scout for new locations to open up facilities. We opened up a new facility mayyyybe once every couple of years. And his job (laughs) full time, was to go around looking for locations. And these locations he looked for happened to be right next to golf courses. Almost every single time. Every single one. Yeah, you're nodding…

Dick: (interjects) He's a smart guy!

Maddox:'ve got that shit-eating grin! Why are you so happy? (Dick laughs) Why does that make you happy?!?

Dick: I don't know…it's like winning the lottery whenever I hear about stuff like that. I'm like "Yeah, I hope that's me someday."

Maddox: (sighs) …Dick.

Dick: What is your real problem with it, though? And Unqualified people are hired?

Maddox: Well, so, it goes on. Yeah, of course. And it creates a legacy. So, even the Bush family. Look at George W. And senior Bush.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? He got…he's…where did he go, to Yale, right? Bush went to Yale?

Dick: What, George Senior?

Maddox: Well, they both did. They both did. So he got in through this legacy and displaced somebody who may have been more qualified. Which, in Bush's case, is probably everyone! Uh…

Dick: Ohhhh, boyyyy, here we goooo.

Maddox: (laughing) Look…

Dick: (interjects) Like you would have done any better!

Maddox: In Yale?!

Dick: No, as a president.

Maddox: (cracks up) I would have been…

Dick: Oh, come on!

Maddox: Oh, you come on! I would have made a great President! First of all, no bullshit. I'd have a no bullshit policy. Big sign on the White House.

Dick: Here we goooo! (laughing)

Maddox: (laughs) No bullshit! I'd tear down the gates...

Dick: That's how you know you're getting bullshit, is somebody says "I'm not bullshitting you!"

Maddox: No…Aaaaghhhh….that's not…get out of here! (laughing)

Sean: Obama said it was going to be the most transparent administration, and it certainly hasn't turned out to be that.

Maddox: No no, he had been completely transparent bullshit. (laughter in background) So there's that. Yeah. I'm not…I'm not defending Obama either here, so let's get things on the record. So, anyway, yeah, I'd have a 'no bullshit' policy. I'd tear down the gates on the White House, and be like "Hey, you guys wanna fucking snipe me?! You wanna assassinate me?! (Dick cracking up) Come on in, buddy!!!

Dick: (laughing) This is your presidential action?!? Tear down the gates and come and get some?!?

Maddox: Yeah! I'll be….

Dick: (interjects) Like a WWF Superstar?!?

Maddox: I'll be in the front yard with my shirt off ready to fucking fisticuff anyone who comes in!! (Dick laughing) Let's have a fistfight right fucking now!!

Dick: Alright. Fuck policy! Let's just start fistfighting. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You know, honestly, dude, I have been thinking about this ISIS shit. This...these motherfuckers piss me off so much. I am like…so close.

Dick: What's ISIS?

Maddox: The Islamic terrorist group that has filled the vacuum of al-Qaeda in Iraq.

Dick: Ohhh! Yeah. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Which didn't exist before…like, pre-Saddam, but they came in, they funneled in through Syria, because that SHIT was a mess that no one took care of or intervened with. Anyway, (excited), so that's the…these are the fuckers who are assassinating Americans and cutting off their heads and stuff. I'm so close to just putting out a fucking call to arms and saying "Hey guys, I'm gonna be in Iraq in this-and-this location, this GPS location, be there. 2 o'clock. Let's just have a fight. Let's just fucking duke it out." And then…not show up and just bomb the shit out of it when they do!! (cracks up laughing) I…I guarantee…I know my fans would be on board with this!! (excited)

Dick: Yeah…

Maddox: They would get my back! They would come out there and fight with me! I'd be like "Look, here are the rules."

Dick: (interjects) Well, they'd come out and not fight with you. You said you weren't gonna show up.

Maddox: Yeah, you know what though? I actually may. (Dick laughs) So, here are the rules.

Dick: You better tell the bomb guys which one for sure!

Maddox: Yeah…we'll figure it out. We'll figure it out. So, I'll show up there. Here are the rules: Fist fights and swords. Swords are allowed. 'cause swords are cool as shit, right? No guns! Guns are chickenshit, right?!

Dick: I don't think so. I think guns are awesome!

Maddox: Ughhh…they're such chickenshit! You know what it is? It's remote control death. It's for pussies. For lazy people. Everyone who owns guns…

Dick: Guns are science, bro!

Maddox: (laughs) Guns are not science. Swords are science!

Dick: Yeah they are! They're weaponized science!

Maddox: Ehhhh…

Dick: Swords are just pointy sticks!

Maddox: Look, guns were invented in China like a million years ago. How scientific could they be?

Dick: Ugh. They…they've come a long way.

Maddox: Yeah…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah…I think guns are for lazy people who don't want to get up and kill somebody. 100% of gun owners are fat. That's a fact. (background laughter) (Maddox laughing)

Dick: Do you think these…do you think ISIS deals with nepotism? Like do you think the terrorists are like…(laughing)

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah! (yells)

Dick: They're like "Aww, man, like…"

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah! They'd be better terrorists if they didn't! If they didn't hire their buddies…their fucking terrorist buddies…so, anyway, man. I won't go on. The…the nepotism thing.

Dick: I wanna hear more about your platform! Um…oiled wrestling in the White House lawn (Maddox laughing)…duping terrorists into showing up like, for Candygrams and shit, like a Looney Tunes cartoon? And then you bomb them, I guess…

Maddox: Alright, dude…

Dick: To have a platform, you need a third thing.

Maddox: I wanna talk about nepotism in entertainment. (laughing) Susan Sarandon's daughter…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: …Eva Amurri, has been hired in Californication, House, How I Met Your Mother, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The list goes on. So, listen to this one. First of all, did you know Nicholas Cage, huge actor…

Dick: (interjects) Greatest actor of his generation…possibly of all time.

Maddox: Yeah. Do you think he has been helped out by nepotism at all?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Yeah! I know his whole story.

Maddox: Oh, you know his whole story? Great. Great, Dick. Well, for the benefit of people who don't, um…he's…he's from the Coppola family.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? So, the Coppola family includes many distinguished filmmakers and actors. The careers of Sofia Coppola, Nicholas Cage, and Jason Schwartzman have been attributed to aid by director Francis Ford Coppola, who cast his daughter Sofia in the Godfather Part III. Cage changed his last name in order to distance himself from such charges. So he…he benefited from this, but then he just changed his last name so it wouldn't seem like there is impropriety going on, but there is.

Dick: Don't they all do that? Like, doesn't everybody in Hollywood do that?

Maddox: Some of them do. Like, here's another example. Meryl Streep's second daughter, Memie Gummer. So, she appeared alongside her mom in the movie Heartburn and she was uncredited in the film to avoid media scrutiny.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. And then Clint Eastwood's son, Scott Eastwood. Lenny Kravitz's daughter, Zoe Kravitz. Jean Claude Van Damme's daughter, Bianca Van Varenberg?

Dick: So…so what do you want these people to do? Not put their kids in stuff?

Maddox: I dunno, man.

Dick: You gotta put your kids in stuff!

Maddox: You don't have to!

Dick: You gotta put your buddies in stuff. Yeah, you dooo.

Maddox: No, 'cause what you're doing is you're just giving them a silver spoon! Here you go, you don't have to earn anything, I already did it for you! Here you go, buddy! Why don't you just…here. I'm just gonna lift the fence for you, you don't have to climb it!

Dick: So what if your kid wanted to write. You wouldn't give him a link on your website?

Maddox: Fuck no! You have to earn that shit. (Dick laughs) Yeah! You have to earn that shit.

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: 'cause if they don't, you're doing them a disservice! They didn't earn it. They didn't suffer like you did, for your art. They didn't struggle. So if they want to do it, they should earn it, right?! Why…why would you…

Dick: Because that's just not the way people work. They wanna help out their tribe.

Maddox: Dick.

Dick: They wanna help out people who are related or people who are similar to them.

Maddox: That's not an explanation of anything.

Dick: That's an evolutionary explanation! You want to help out people who are similar to you! Because they will do the same thing for you!

Maddox: Great. So maybe we should just create little cults of, like, black people helping black people, Koreans helping Koreans, Jewish people helping Jewish people, and we all become these insular little pockets of society where we don't…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, become?! That's what we are!!

Sean: (interjects) That's how it is!!

Dick: That's how we are!

Maddox: Yeah, that's a problem! That's a problem! (yelling) You don't think that's a problem?!?!

Dick: I don't know that it's a problem…

Maddox: Ugh. You make me want to barf.

Dick: Yeah! (laughs) Well you, uhh…

Maddox: I'm…here's why I'm gonna win this fucking debate, right? I'm gonna bring this in, 'cause it's very hot right now…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Here's some nepotism that pisses everyone off. As far as gamers go. Gamer Gate. Do you know what this is?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Gamer Gate. So this is a huuuge story in video games right now. There this huge scandal and people have been begging me to talk about this. This guy, basically…he broke up with his girlfriend because she cheated on him. And he wrote this looooooong exposé about all the different guys that she cheated with. Turns out…turns out there were five different guys that she cheated with.

Dick: God, that sucks.

Maddox: Look, man. Yeah, look. You got cheated on. It's your personal life. It's her personal life. Don't air out your dirty underwear. It's nobody's business, right? Except for one instance that one of the people she cheated with…she happened to be a video game developer and one of the people she cheated with is a journalist for a video game company. Er, for a video game website.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And, he…it's kind of controversial right now…he may or may not have given her a soft review. Like, a very beneficial review because he was bangin' her.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Or at least…at the very least, liked her before…

Dick: (interjects) Sure.

Maddox: Yeah. Before this game came out. So there's some nepotism that's working in their favor, and it's outraged the gaming community, because there's been censorship going on, and then on the other side of the coin, people have been attacking this woman. Just hateful threats and shit like that. It's been going back and forth as this big, ugly, drawn-out mess, but ultimately, it comes down to nepotism.

Dick: What, this game…video game soap opera?

Maddox: That's what's pissing people off, yeah.

Dick: They're pissed off because they had a soft review on a fuckin' video game?! Who cares!!! They're all soft!

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, that's not true.

Dick: Do any of those reviews mean shit? All I ever see is like, '9, oh my god, it's amazing! Wow, the graphics are so great!' "Was it fun?" No, probably not.

Maddox: What video game websites are you reading?

Dick: I dunno. All of them. I always assume they're all just fluff pieces. Otherwise they're not gonna get the free games!

Maddox: Yeah, you know…I…so, here's an example of nepotism that I didn't take part in. A video game company contacted me a while back, and they said "Hey Maddox, we'd like to send you some free games." I said "Uhhh, that sounds great. Yeah, send me free games." They sent me, like, nine free games, and they were awesome. Most of the games were pretty great. But I told them… I said, "Look, you can send me these free games. But I'm not gonna talk about it on my website. I don't do that. And if I did, I would fully disclose that you guys sent me these games." That's what you have to do. That's the ethical thing to do. Because then it takes that little inkling of doubt in the back of your mind out of the equation. Did this person genuinely like this game, or is he getting bribes? Like…that's what essentially this comes down to, right? It's a form of a…almost like a…

Dick: (interjects) Like a sex bribe?

Maddox: (laughs) No, it's not a sex bribe.

Dick: This girl that was cheating on the guy.

Maddox: Oh, the girl cheating on the guy?

Dick: Cheating on her boyfriend, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah! Possibly. Like, who knows, man. Her personal life is nobody's business but hers and the person that she fucked over. She might be a terrible person. She sounds like an awful person. But, that's irrelevant only insofar as she benefited from her sexual deeds for better video game reviews.

Dick: Yeah, umm…I dunno, man. Your whole nepotism problem…I think I might be pro nepotism.

Maddox: Yeah, of course you are, Dick. Why would…

Dick: (interjects) 'cause it saves time! Like, what are you…you're just gonna go interview some other jackass who probably sucks at the job just as much as your friend does. Just hire your friend!

Maddox: Okay. Well, let's say you live in a country…

Dick: (interjects) And your friends are less likely to screw you over, because they know you personally.

Maddox: No! They're MORE likely to screw you over, because they'll take advantage of you.

Dick: Your friends?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: You think I'M more likely to screw you over than a random guy in the street? And I'm kind of a bad guy!

Maddox: Yeah. I guarantee you're screwing me over right now (Dick laughs). Like, there's three fucking ways you're probably screwing me over! I just know it. So, yeah. 'cause your friends are going to be inept and incompetent, whereas a stranger, who you're paying…who has no affiliation with you, is not.

Dick: No! Absolutely the opposite.

Maddox: No!

Dick: If you hired a stranger versus a friend to ship your t-shirts…Dude. You are losing like 10% right off the top. They're stealing merchandise. They're stealing money. They're stealing everything they can get their hands on.

Maddox: Dick. Always looking at the best in humanity.

Dick: That's what people do!!

Maddox: Yeah. That's what bad, shitty people do if you don't screen them well! If you don't try to read them and get a feel for them…

Dick: (interjects) Nobody's that good.

Maddox: (interjects) I'm fucking great.

Dick: (interjects) Eventually everybody steals.

Maddox: No. No!!! What do you mean, eventually…

Dick: (interjects) Eventually every employee grifts off the top.

Maddox: What are they going to do, walk out with my t-shirts? I'll put in…

Dick: Yeah! They're gonna shove 'em down their pants and walk out with 'em.

Maddox: (interjects) Well, then I'll have to…

Dick: (interjects) They'll ship them to the wrong people. They'll ship them to their friends…

Maddox: Then I'll tell my guard towers to keep an eye out (laughter in background) with their sniper rifles. (Maddox laughs) They'll be fat up there, too. (laughs)

Dick: You gotta trust your friends more, man.

Maddox: You know what, dude? Yeah, I get it. You know, I get it. In certain instances, you might want to benefit your friends, but where it 'causes a problem is if you are outside of that circle, that social circle.

Dick: Fuck you!!

Maddox: No, what do you mean, fuck you?

Dick: You'd better find your own circle, fast, man! If you're outside that one!

Sean: You'd better go to USC.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: That's the best in the world, man. There is no alumni program like they have. If you are in the neighborhood. Like, I mean, if you're barely competent, but you went to USC, and like, the person hiring you went to USC, you're in, man. You'll bypass a thousand people. And every USC grad knows that. And that's why they go there.

Maddox: Right. You know what that leads, to nepotism? Genetic retardation. That's nepotism.

Dick: (laughing) Here we go with the conspiracy!

Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Dick: (interjects) Genetic retardation. We've been doing this for our entire existence, though!

Maddox: Yeah! So? We've been doing lots of shitty things for our entire existence, Dick! Like, if you're going to just continue making this insular little pocket of the same fucking people, same family members, only your buddies…You know, go to Sweden! In Stockholm, you know who the property owners are? They're all the same fucking families. There's like a handful of families who own property in Stockholm and it's just generation after generation after generation passes that down! And you keep talking about "Oh, well, you know…the wealth gets out there and people earn it, bla bla bla." No. I think upwards of 30% to 40% of the top Fortune 500 companies are people who inherited their money.

Dick: Wait, wait. Here?

Maddox: Yeah! Some or all of their money! Not the companies, rather, but the top list of billionaires. They're people who inherited their money. So if you're just passing wealth on…you're passing jobs on, you're passing opportunities on, just to people you know…and it's so arbitrary! (yells) We didn't pick our families! Go back to Episode #1 and vote up families, guys! That's the biggest problem!

Dick: See, this is some kind of a weird…this is exactly like your Families problem and your Marriage problem. You have a problem with fundamentally the way evolution has made people. 'cause you didn't win the lottery! That's why. If you had…if you were next in line to be president of the United States…if you were Jeb Bush…

Maddox: (interjects) (laughing) Ohhohoho…

Dick: You'd love it.

Maddox: Yeah, that…dumbass. No, dude. Whether or not I hit the lottery. I would at least realize that I have these benefits and advantages. Right? I would at LEAST realize that and acknowledge it, and not gloat so much and say "Oh…I won, I earned this." 'cause I didn't. You didn't. If you benefit from nepotism, you didn't earn your credit. That's what Nic Cage has done. That's what Sofia Coppola has done…

Dick: (interjects) He…Nic Cage has earned his stardom.

Maddox: (interjects) Has he, though?

Dick: He's earned that castle!

Maddox: Mhmm…oh, then why did…

Dick: (interjects) Did you see Con Air?!? (Maddox cracks up) He changed his name because…first of all, because it sounds cool. Nic Cage sounds way better than Nicolas Coppola.

Maddox: Yeah, but you know what sounds cooler than Nick? Fuckin' Power. Why didn't he call himself Power Cage?

Dick: Power Cage?

Maddox: Yeah. Huh? Power Cage...that's like…

Dick: Then he can't be, like, a romantic lead, man.

Maddox: No, he could be a president and have an arm wrestling contest on the office lawn. Would be pretty rad. President Power Cage. Hey! So, Nic Cage had to change his last name, but he did that because he wants to remove doubt in people's minds. Because he knows, deep down, that the insecurity exists. With everyone who benefits from nepotism, that insecurity exists. I have this friend who is pretty high up in the improve community in Los Angeles. And there was one point, his girlfriend was trying out to be on the team. He was one of the judges on the team. And you know what he did? He recused himself. He said "Guys, I'm too close to her. I can't put my opinion in on this."

Dick: Yeeaaah…he probably did that so he didn't get bitched out at home. (Maddox laughs)

Sean: He was avoiding a huge fucking fight.

Dick: Yeahhhhh, exactly.

Sean: There's no doubt about that.

Dick: Again, more self interest.

Maddox: Why are you guys so cynical?! (cracks up)

Sean: Wait, but Maddox. Can't you differentiate between the person who…obviously, people are given jobs unfairly. They bypassed a lot of people. But don't you think people who stay in that industry, like, can be there of their own merit after that? Like, that doesn't negate everything that they do after, does it?

Maddox: You're right, Sean. No. You're right. You're absolutely right. But just that seed…that kernel is enough to put a little bit of doubt in people's minds. I personally would feel like shit if I thought maybe I got a little bit lucky. Maybe somebody pulled a lever for me and helped me out. I mean, you know what? Here's the thing. I'm kind of a hypocrite, 'cause I'll take advantage of nepotism sometimes. If I walk up to a bar or a club or something and there's a big, long line, and somebody there knows me and they're pulling me in, fuck yeah! I'm in. But it's unfair. And I realize it's unfair.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. What's your…well, before…before we get to the next problem…

Dick: (interjects) Before we move on, I just wanna mention that this episode is brought to you by Audible! Go to for your free audio book download. Do you know about Audible?

Maddox: Yeah. Audible does the audio books. They provide audio books for people.

Dick: In fact, they have over 150,000 titles to choose from in every genre, Maddox. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Very smooth.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, I'm actually really genuinely pleased that we got Audible. This is actually going to help out a lot, guys. We're gonna have, you know, the transcriptions on the episode, and may be able to do a live show soon. And we're still talking about doing that bonus episode, too! So, yeah. Thanks to our very first sponsor, Audible.

Dick: Can I tell you that I bought my dad Audible one time, for like, Father's Day?

Maddox: What did you…

Dick: (interjects) 'cause you know how dads are impossible to buy stuff for?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Do you buy stuff for your dad?

Maddox: No, I just stopped trying.

Dick: Yeah man. Pretty much me too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But he had a long commute. He had, like, a two-hour commute every day.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I got him an Audible subscription. And it was like, the one…the feeling of buying your dad a gift that he actually USES…is unlike any other feeling, I think.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: It's not like, that good…it's just different. It's like…it's kind of, it's good, but it's also, like, "I got you, you bastard. Take that. You're gonna use my gift..." (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. It is pretty cool. Uh, especially because I feel like my dad is just a self-made man and he's so self sufficient. He NEVER wants anything. My dad especially. I've never seen my dad listen to music. He doesn't watch TV. He doesn't do anything except work. His favorite thing to do is chop down trees. Like, he likes to chop down trees, and weld, and build stuff. And there's nothing I can give him, 'cause he has every tool in existence. So if I find that thing for my dad…

Dick: (interjects) Try Audible! (Maddox laughs) That's what I'm saying! Do you realize what I'm saying? I'm saying try…try…throw an Audible at him.

Maddox: You know, my dad's partially deaf. He probably wouldn't be able to hear it. However, he could read the transcriptions of our episodes! So there's that!! (laughing)

Dick: So you get a free audio book download.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When you go to this URL. So I looked up some of the titles, right? To see what I wanted to listen to?

Maddox: (laughs) Okay.

Dick: Uh…one I thought would be cool…The Bully Pulpit, which is Theodore Roosevelt's story.

Maddox: Oh, wow. Yeah, that is…

Dick: That's cool.

Maddox: Theodore Roosevelt was a badass.

Dick: Yeah. I don't want to read that. But I'll listen to it.

Maddox: You should read the Theodore Roosevelt chapter I wrote in my book.

Dick: Alright. You could read it to me.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: I'll give you a call later (All laugh) I also thought Augustus The First Emperor of Rome. That might be a title I wanna get for free by going to Audible. Right?

Maddox: Alright. Dick. (laughs)

Dick: Right? That sounds interesting. Here's the one I ended up on, though. I think I'm gonna get this one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Milked at Her Uncle's Farm, Volume I: Vanessa's Dairy Farm Training and Erotic Lactation Story. (everyone laughing) It's a real book! You can download it for free, man! Just go to There you go! ( audience laughter sound effect) I'm really gonna download that.

Maddox: Oh, I know you will. I know you will, Dick. Actually, we should bring in excerpts of that for next week's show.

Dick: Alright. You want my problem? We gotta move it.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Jennifer Lawrence's Tits!!!

Maddox: How…how are they…how is that a problem, Dick?!

Dick: You know…the big scandal happened, whatever they're calling it…

Maddox: What's the scandal? Let's get people up to speed.

Dick: The scandal is a bunch of hackers got into these celebrities' accounts and they, surprise, surprise, they've all got a bunch of naked pictures of themselves up there. Jennifer Lawrence is one of them, along with, like, Kate Upton and a bunch of other broads.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: And when it came out, I kind of didn't really care. Like, I didn't wanna see her tits that bad, because it's always disappointing. Like, celebrity tits are always disappointing to me.

Maddox: Ooooh. Wrong.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Explain.

Maddox: So, when Scarlett Johansson's…I'll give you an example, and a counterexample. When Scarlett Johansson's came out, uhhh, someone sent it to me. I saw them. And they were pretty disappointing. I don't know what I was expecting…

Dick: (interjects) Very disappointing. Yeah.

Maddox: I don't know what I was expecting. But, but but…to be fair, they were these private photos taken not necessarily in the best light, or angle, or whatever, and they were stolen from her, so maybe I just didn't see them presented how they would want it presented.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: But, uhh…yeah. I saw the latest ones, and I was not disappointed, my friend.

Dick: You saw Jennifer Lawrence's tits?

Maddox: I did, yeah.

Dick: Well, then, my friend, you are committing a sex crime! So, I didn't really give a shit about it until I saw, ALL OVER THE INTERNET, that it's MY fucking fault that she feels violated about this. ANYBODY WHO LOOKS AT THEM is committing a sex crime!! (yelling) Top of Forbes! A magazine that I always thought was in my corner!! Not anymore!! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Why is Forbes in your corner?

Dick: 'cause it's about business.

Maddox: Ohh, pfff. (laughing) Oh, yeah, sorry, I forget. Business Dick. (laughter in background). Over here. All business.

Dick: Yeah! I just think the whole Internet's gone insane about this. It's funny. Celebrities fucked up. There's a bunch of naked pictures of them out now! Uhh, oh, heaven forbid that someone sees your bare boobs! Oh no, it's a fuckin' sex crime!

Maddox: (interjects) Uh…

Dick: So then I wanted to see 'em. What were you gonna say?

Maddox: Yeah. This is…this is…exactly the Barbara Streisand effect. In action. And I'm going to be talking about that as well. So, do you know what the Barbara Streisand effect is?

Dick: Explain it.

Maddox: Barbara Streisand, a long time ago, someone was creating…he was documenting pictures of the coast. The California coastline. And was putting them together on a website or something so you could go up and look at the coastline. Well, Barbara Streisand's house in Malibu is right on the coast. It's just right there. So, she sued this guy. She sent him a cease and desist. And the guy said "Uh, no. This is…that's insane. I totally have the right to take a picture of the coastline. Fuck you." And she wanted her house censored from this. So there was this big lawsuit, and he got…

Dick: (interjects) Just put a big asshole, right over her house.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Just a picture of her face and a big ass. So, she tried to get this guy shut down and she sued him, and he went to the press with it, and he said "Hey, Barbara Streisand is suing me for this ridiculous bullshit!" Every news outlet picked up the story and it was blown waaaaaay out of proportion. So had she shut the fuck up, no one would have even known that her pictures was on this rinky-dink little website.

Dick: Who, Jennifer Lawrence, you're saying? Is this…

Maddox: No. Barbara Streisand.

Dick: Barbara Streisand, okay.

Maddox: Yeah, Barbara Streisand. Yeah, this is the Streisand Effect. So, so, by simply going after it and making such a big stink about it, everybody saw it! And now it's impossible to remove and it's completely pointless. But the media outlets who were complaining about this are doing the exact same thing with Jennifer Lawrence.

Dick: Dude, they've successfully removed these pictures from the Internet. Basically. Like, I popped it into Google, you know, who is now an accessory to my sex crimes (jeers) (Maddox laughs) And I could not…all I found was, like, pages and pages and pages of news articles about how horrible I was for trying to look at them.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh, you know…Jennifer Lawrence is everyone's darling. She's the world's darling. She's the Internet's darling. She's America's darling. Everybody loves her. I think the outrage here…you know, I see more Jennifer Lawrence in the headlines than Kate Upton, who was one of the biggest targets of this.

Dick: Yeah, and her pictures were great! (Maddox laughs) Right?

Maddox: Yeah, whatever. Everyone's got a body. Who gives a shit? Like, whatever. It's all genitals.

Dick: Well, that's what I'm…So, I mean, I just came back from Burning Man. I spent half of that naked! I don't care! (yells)

Maddox: I don't care.

Dick: Yeah!! You (laughs) definitely don't care. What is the big deal? Like, the only reason it's a big deal to her is because she could charge for it. Right? The ONLY reason it's a big deal when this celebrity gets busted being naked and stupid is because it's costing her money.

Maddox: (interjects) No…

Dick: (interjects) That's my premise.

Maddox: Well, you're wrong.

Dick: No, no! I totally think…like, it's a black mark on her image.

Maddox: Well, of course!

Dick: Like, I…I absolutely think that it translates into a direct dollar amount of, like, less, whatever. Money for her next movie.

Maddox: Well, as a businessman, Dick. (clears throat) You know, Forbes in your corner and everything. Wouldn't you…isn't that counter to your argument? Aren't you saying, then, essentially, someone has done monetary damage to Jennifer Lawrence. If you're saying her…her naked body does have value, which it does, clearly. She could sell those photos if she wanted to. Which I don't think she ever would. 'cause it would also hurt her career if she did that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But it does have value.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Easily upwards of tens of millions of dollars. If she wanted to do a spread for Playboy, you don't thin they would pay that in a heartbeat?

Dick: I do.

Maddox: Of course they would. But she is denied that opportunity now, because these photos are out. So, someone has done monetary damage to her. You don't think that's a problem?

Dick: I think it's a crime called hacking. I don't think it's a sex crime.

Maddox: Well...

Dick: I think it's a bunch of personal data that was stolen and the IDEA…this, this is the idea that upsets me. I'm reading these stupid journalists telling her that she shouldn't apologize for it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But she should feel bad for being stupid.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Yes, she should! If you don't want the pictures out there, don't take 'em and put them on your fucking phone!

Maddox: Hey. Why is she culpable for being stupid, and not fucking Apple with their bullshit iCloud service with your stupid iPhones, you idiots.

Dick: This is exactly what I'm talking about! What you said is exactly what I'm talking about. Assume that everyone is going to fuck up except for you! That's the lesson of this story! If somebody…if it's supposed to be secure, it's not gonna be.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: If you tell a guy not to show these pictures to everybody…as soon as he gets them, they're going to everyone in the fucking world!

Maddox: Well, sure, Dick, but also, with this iCloud service, it's automatically enabled, and unless you go through all these hoops and try to specifically opt out of this iCloud service, which is next to impossible for the typical Mac user, let alone someone advanced like me. It took me fucking two hours (laughing) to install iTunes, because I specifically tried to uncompress iTunes, the installer, the package, and install only the pieces I wanted. I didn't want to install their bullshit service that updated every fucking five minutes. I just wanted iTunes just to be able to check metrics. And it took ME like an hour to two hours just to unpack that executable. To find out how exactly to do that. You're expecting the typical…

Dick: (interjects) I can get my parents to come over and show you how to install iTunes.

Maddox: Ugh. (sighs)

Dick: They did it no problem.

Maddox: Yeah. Well maybe they can learn how to hit that toggle. The two-speed toggle, too.

Dick: Oh man! My dad heard you talking shit…

Maddox: (interjects) Ohohoho!!! (laughing)

Dick: He was pissed!! Oh boy.

Sean: That's just payin' it forward for throwing me under the bus so quick. Your dad.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: They just jumped on me. Sean fucked up the audio…

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: On purpose, no less. Look, what I'm saying is…here's…lemme read this quote. One second. Um…"It's not their responsibility..." this is what people are saying. "It's not their responsibility to protect their own property from theft by not creating said property or storing it in a specific way, more than it is any woman's responsibility to dress a certain way, travel in groups, wear special nail polish…" they're making it ridiculous, right? It started out like good advice, but then it got stupid. "…wear special nail polish or what have you to lessen the chance that someone will attempt to assault them." Newsflash! Yes it fucking is. Look out for yourself, because the world is fucked! Nothing works! None of your devices will ever work properly and people are CONSTANTLY trying to fuck you! It is absolutely your responsibility to protect yourself. That's what I'm saying. That's the problem with Jennifer Lawrence's tits.

Maddox: Yeah. Okay. Great, Dick. But here's the thing. You can do due diligence. That's what you're required to do, is due diligence. You try. You make your best effort. But nobody and nothing is completely unhackable or completely secure.

Dick: You know what is?

Maddox: What?

Dick: Not taking a bunch of nude pictures of yourself and putting them on the Internet!

Maddox: No, that's stupid. What, who are you, the fucking terrorists?

Dick: You need that?! You really NEED to take a bunch of nudes of yourself (yelling) that aren't very good, by the way, and put 'em on the Internet?!?!?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, is that, like, a need that you HAVE?! I don't compulsively have that! I'm sure my mom doesn't compulsively fucking' have that!

Maddox: Why not!? Why not!? Who cares? Who gives a shit? You can do whatever the fuck you want with your camera, and you shouldn't be expected for everybody in the world to see. You have a personal bank account. You have personal bank records.

Dick: Yeah. Sure.

Maddox: All that shit's available. It's accessible somewhere. Somewhere online. Someone has it. So if you get hacked because somebody was determined enough. If you are valuable enough of a celebrity, Dick, you would be a target and people might hack you and they might find your financial records, or who knows what?

Dick: Can you imagine that? What if pictures of my dick were all over the Internet?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Would you look?

Maddox: Of course NOT. So…actually, I have a theory. I have a theory.

Dick: Yeah? What is it?

Maddox: I've been actually working on this for a while now.

Dick: Do you understand what I'm saying? That it's your personal responsibility?

Maddox: No, no, I get it. I get it, Dick. I think that personal responsibility…you're only so culpable. After that…look. The company also failed here. Let's not just assume that this was just failure of passwords. It wasn't. There were a number of different hacks that they used to get this information. But here's what I'm proposing as a solution to this. And I actually may create this website. It is going to be like a Yellow Pages of nudity. Every single person on Earth needs to upload a picture of themselves completely naked. And you can just go to this website and look anyone up, like in a directory, and see what their genitals look like. Because the number one thing that everybody is afraid of when they lose their cell phone or their account gets's like, oh my god, my nudes!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who gives a shit? Everybody's got em! Just post it online, get it over with, and then that way you're deflating this bullshit. No one cares about nudity anymore. Sex has so much fucking power in this country. And we need to deflate that. And the way to do that is to create a Yellow Pages of everyone's junk.

Dick: So, like, not Facebook? But like, Dickbook?

Maddox: Junkbook.

Dick: Junkbook?

Maddox: Junkbook. Yeah. That's what it is. It's Junkbook. So you go to this, you just type in, you know, you type in the first three letters and it brings up anyone. Like, you could even see your mom. Everyone's on there.

Dick: I don't wanna do…

Maddox: You have to.

Dick: No, this is a…Is this your third point of your platform as president?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Number one…greased up wrestling. Number two, zany antics with terrorists...and number three, everybody has to take naked pictures of themselves and send them to you so you can have a database.

Maddox: Yeah. Sounds about right.

Dick: I'm so sick of it! I'm so sick of hearing how I'm a fucking asshole because I want to see s a celebrity naked. It's funny. You fucked up! I wanna see it. I gotta see it! I just gotta see it. I wanna be a part of the fun.

Maddox: You know. Whatever. It's there. It's out there.

Dick: You fucked up! Not me.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I mean, it's out there. And, yeah, I dunno. I think the only way you're actually perpetuating this is if you share or pass on those photos. Or if you create the demand and somehow…I guess if you create the demand and somehow go to these websites and they're making ad revenue from your views, then you're contributing to the problem.

Dick: I mean, what's the loss? Like, feeling ashamed? It's not a real thing.

Maddox: No…

Dick: (interjects) What you're saying is that sex shouldn't be such a big deal…

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Shouldn't that mean nothing really is happening here? Victimless crime?

Maddox: Dick…you…no. It's not a victimless crime. You agreed that there are monetary damages done against Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton. Kate Upton especially! People have been wanting her to do a nude spread for years and years.

Dick: I have.

Maddox: Well, of course! Now, that value has lessened because so many people have seen it out there.

Dick: Yeah. I would pay for it again, though. If I'm being honest.

Maddox: Well, fine. Fine. But you might not pay as much, because you've already seen it.

Dick: That's my problem, buddy.

Maddox: That's a show. That's a ticket to a show that you didn't pay for.

Dick: You know what? By the way, I don't even really want pictures of tits.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Sent to me. I want real tits! If you're gonna send me phone pictures of tits, just bring your tits over.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: I'll check 'em out…you know.

Maddox: What if they're in another state, Dick? What are you going to do then?

Dick: What am I doing texting broads in other states?

Maddox: I don't know, man. Look, Dick speaks for himself. Send me all the tits. Yeah. No, um…

Dick: You got anything else to say on this thing?

Maddox: Uh, one thing I wanted to add to your celebrity tit problem…

Dick: What?

Maddox: Do you remember Gawker Media? Do you remember a long time ago, when the Hulk Hogan sex tape was released? Do you remember that!

Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah. Here's something kinda interesting. This is an actual title from Gawker. They said "Even for a minute, watching Hulk Hogan have sex in a canopy bed is not safe for work, but watch it anyway."

Dick: Oh. OH!

Maddox: Ohhh.

Dick: So you're allowed to watch Hulk Hogan be naked…

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: But not Jennifer Lawrence.

Maddox: And here's the title they released for Jennifer Lawrence's sex tape. This was on Jezebel, which is part of the Gawker network, I believe? They said "Did someone just leak nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence? Updated." And of course, they're spreading it. 'cause they're playing coy. "Did someone?" Oh, like you don't fucking know?! Why don't you do some journalism? Why don't you answer your own question, you shits? And don't fucking report on it if you don't want the news story to spread so much. But of course, they want the clicks, too. Their righteous indignation. These hypocrites. They're still getting paid. They're making money from the nude photos indirectly!

Dick: Yep!

Maddox: They're fucking hypocrites. And here's another title from Gawker. This is also from Gawker. It says "A judge told us to take down our Hulk Hogan sex tape post. We won't."

Dick: Great.

Maddox: That's an actual quote from Gawker. And then, in the meantime, here's the one from Jezebel. "Porn site won't take down J-Law's nudes until she proves she owns them." So they had a huge problem with that.

Dick: That's fair.

Maddox: Well, but…(laughs)…but still, on the other hand, on the flip side, when Hulk Hogan's sex tape came out, it's hilarious!

Dick: Everybody laugh your ass off!

Maddox: Which, by the way, it was. Did you ever see it?

Dick: Yeah! Yes. It was great!

Maddox: Ugh…so gross. And that guy is fucking packing, too.

Dick: Oh, it's just such bullshit, man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's such bullshit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't even know what to do about it!

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I guess nothing. 'cause who cares? It's just tits and ass. You know what? If you guys seriously have a problem with celebrity nudes getting leaked, then next time it happens, don't comment about it. Don't mention it. Don't link to it. Don't check any news stories about it. Go about your day like nothing happened. Because this is the Barbara Streisand Effect. It's spreading shit around WAY bigger than it ever would have had you just shut the fuck up about it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's why I don't…so, I hate to mention this, even now, in this context, but that's why I don't talk about PETA anymore. You know, the animal rights…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, because it gives them attention. I feel like they're dwindling. Like, I fee like everyone thinks they're a joke now.

Maddox: They are a joke. Even animal rights activists who contact me…I just have to mention PETA to them and they just roll their eyes and they say "Look, we're sorry about PETA. They're insane. They're out of their fucking minds. We don't want to be associated with them." Even animal rights activists don't want to be associated with PETA.

Dick: So don't talk about it. Just, uh...go on over to and download yourself a book!

Maddox: Dick! (laughs) Well shall we move on to the next problem?

Dick: Well, yeah. Yeah, sure.

Maddox: Alright. My next problem is the Parent Television Council. You know what this is?

Dick: No.

Maddox: The Parent Television Council is this organization that has been trying to censor the news…well, they're trying to censor TV by creating these robo-mailers. So, there's only about...I think around 12,000 members in the Parent Television Council; however, when there is an offense that happens on TV, like, you remember the Superbowl Janet Jackson…the…what do you call 'em…the wardrobe malfunction? Right, you remember that?

Dick: Yup.

Maddox: Congress was inundated with mail, and flyers, and letters. Millions of them! From only about 12,000 or so people. And it turns out, it's because they send out these robo-mailers on behalf of people who don't even exist.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah. They bombard…

Dick: (interjects) That's nice of them.

Maddox: Yeah. They bombard Congress to create legislature to…they're the ones who helped push the V-chip through television. They made your TV sets more expensive. The V-chip is something that lets parents tune out things that are above a certain rating in content and maturity. What's that, Sean? You were nodding. You were gonna say something?

Sean: No, I was gonna say, it's just like voting in this country, then.

Maddox: What's that?

Sean: I mean, just thousands of votes from dead people or people who don't exist, or whatnot.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Sounds conspiratorial, but…(laughs) it happens on both sides.

Maddox: Yeah! That's what these guys are doing. And they have such a weird puritanical view about everything. The guy who founded this is an extreme, like, Christian dude, and they have all sorts of problems. They have problems with language. They have problems with nudity. They have problems with things that are suggestive! And now they're extending their reach to the Internet. Did you know this?

Dick: No!

Maddox: Yeah! So, they had a huge problem. They said…this is from E Online. They said "The conservative watchdog organization is calling on the network to rethink its decision to post an uncensored version of a Saturday Night Live skit on both its website and YouTube. This is a new low for NBC, PTC president Brent Bozell said in a statement. Clearly, the network will stop at nothing to find loopholes for its indecent programming to reach the public!" A loop…they're calling the Internet a loophole.

Dick: What are they trying to censor? What is the sketch they're talking about?

Maddox: It was the "Dick in a Box" sketch.

Dick: Ohhhhhhh, man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, they wanted…you remember…that's a good sketch.

Dick: It's a great song, too! They want that stricken from the Internet as well?

Maddox: Well, yeah. They wanted…first of all, they wanted the word "dick" censored. The song is called "Dick in a Box" and they wanted the word…Dick, I wouldn't even be able to say your name right now, if they had their way!

Dick: No good. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. So they wanted that censored not just on TV, but on the Internet as well. On YouTube.

Dick: How do they expect to do that?

Maddox: I dunno. I'll tell you what they CAN'T do anymore. They can't pay for it. Because in the most recent…this is from AdWeek…"So why is the PTC getting bent out of shape over this? Well, it could be because the organization has logged something of a precipitous decline in donations over the last few years. The most recent form 990 available has the organization bringing in 2.7 million dollars for 2012 and with a little more than 2.5 million dollars coming in from donations. So as recently as 2008, the organization was seeing about 4 million dollars in donations and the thing that keeps the watchdog groups funded is presence in the public eye." They're actually declining. They saw a year-to-year decline of 26% in their funding.

Dick: Good.

Maddox: Yeah! 'cause people are tired of their bullshit!

Dick: Well, can they even function anymore? Like, with everything moving to Netflix and Amazon, or Hulu, or whatever? How the hell…the government can't tell them what to play.

Maddox: Yeah…well, that's their concern...this is like their last gasp. This is their death rattle. They reduced their staff by 38%. They reduced their funding by 26%. Because funding isn't coming in anymore. People are watching less TV. Thank God, this bullshit organization is going to go away.

Dick: Sounds like this problem is taking care of itself, buddy!

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah. You know what, though? It's just a matter of time before…they're…they're actively seeking legislation to try to get YouTube to have a rating system that is enforced that they can then control and have some say in it. Which leads to more censorship!

Dick: Man, I'll tell you what. When YouTube got rid of the anonymous comments, I felt that this was where we were going. Like, as soon as you were no longer allowed to comment anonymously on YouTube videos, I felt like the next step, or the eventual step was a full-on rating system. Full-on censorship.

Maddox: I'm okay with the YouTube commenting system. You can still comment anonymously. You can create and account, if you wanted to, that isn't your real identity. And a lot of people do.

Dick: Yeah. Of course. Of course.

Maddox: Here's something from the New York Times. They said that…you know the show Shit My Dad Says?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Based on the very popular Twitter account, Shit My Dad Says? And they said that..."declaring on September 17th that it would not rest, the Parent Television Council would not rest until the network changed the title or the show was cancelled." (incredulous)

Dick: Well that problem fixed itself too.

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah, I guess it got cancelled.

Dick: Did you ever see that show?

Maddox: No. That's with William Shatner, eh?

Dick: Yeahhh, and it was like…imagine Married With Children with William Shatner as Al Bundy instead of Ed O'Neill? It was like…way too over the top. There was nothing…it wasn't like a depressed curmudgeon who was giving advice. It was like, this goofy character. 'cause I loved that Twitter!

Maddox: Yeah, the Twitter account is very funny. Um, I feel like William Shatner has become a caricature of himself, specifically since the Hotline commercials…errr…the Hotwire…

Dick: The Negotiator?

Maddox: Yeah. What's the website? Priceline, yeah. Priceline. Since the Priceline commercials, he has become a caricature of himself, and now he does this weird, fat, William Shatner kung-fu thing. And I feel like that's just him all the time.

Dick: Yeaah.

Maddox: Maybe that's just always been him and now he's just allowed to play himself.

Dick: Could be. Seems like fun.

Maddox: He's a real cocky dude, too.

Dick: Yeah. My mom hates him.

Maddox: Why does your mom hate him?

Dick: Uhh…I think that's part of the reason. And I think there's, like, some controversy over how his wife died?

Maddox: How did his wife die?

Dick: Like, she drowned in a pool, and there's, like, some kind of…some people wonder what he was doing.

Maddox: Hmmm. What, was he eating a steak or something?

Dick: I dunno. When an adult drowns in a pool, I think you got some explaining to do.

Sean: Well they said that he can't swim. I don't think people were buying that.

Dick: Ohhhhhhhh.

Sean: Like he didn't go in to get her out.

Dick: That sounds fishy.

Sean: I don't know if the man can swim or not, but that was what I heard thrown around.

Maddox: So…so his wife was drowning in a pool, and he couldn't save her, ''cause he couldn't swim?

Dick: I guess, yeah.

Maddox: So what did he do, just stand by the sidelines and just scream and say "Ohhhhh!!"

Dick: I think he tried to drink the pool (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah. Looks like he was at least half successful. The side of a barn, man! That guy…he wouldn't have to swim. He'd just jump in and displace all the fucking water.

Dick: Yeah...(Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Maybe his wife was a baby and he just left her in the tub to go answer the door or something. Like, what happened? I'm really curious about this now.

Dick: Me too. But that's all I know.

Maddox: Huh. Yeah, that's interesting.

Dick: So what happened with Shit My Dad Says? It eventually got knocked off the air and these guys are happy?

Maddox: Yeah. They're happy. Uhh…it got cancelled. The show got cancelled. But, yeah. That's that. Parent Television Council. They used to have more pull with Congress and legislation, but I am so glad that television is finally going away. This dying medium. It's in its death now. And people are moving towards the Internet where these shitty organizations like the Parent Television Council. Which…

Dick: (interjects) They have no power!

Maddox: Yeah, they have no power. But they're trying with every ounce they can. And guess how they're doing that? Nepotism. (laughs) Yeah. They've got buddies in Congress. They've got senators under their belt.

Dick: Yeah. Weren't you saying one episode that Netflix takes up 30% of Internet traffic and you had a problem with that?

Maddox: Something like that, yeah.

Dick: But then, it seems like it's defeating problems like this. Putting everything on the Internet, where it's like the Wild Wild West.

Maddox: No, I don't have a problem with Netflix using up bandwidth. Like, if people are moving towards Netflix at the sake of TV, traditional television, I'm okay with that. The problem I had with that specifically was that this 4k resolution is giving us resolution that our eyes can't even perceive, and that's what's taking up the bandwidth.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. We don't need 4k resolution, my friend.

Dick: So, why…why does this tactic that they do with the robo-calling…how does it possibly work. Like, who's sitting there getting automated complaints and saying "Well, guess we'd better do something about it. I got all these automated complaints!"

Maddox: Oh, I'll tell you what. Because then some lobbyist group will look at the statistics and not delve into it. And they'll say, "Oh, well, we received 1.3 million complaints or received 3 million complaints for the Superbowl, so we need to do something about this!" They'll present that to their Congressman. The Congressman, of course, is an idiot, and a robot, and just getting money funneled in through these lobbyists. So they say, "Well our constituents are complaining about this! This is a big, big problem!"

Dick: How do they not know?! Even I knew this. I knew this before you brought it in. That it's…that all they do is fake complaints. How does…not everyone know this?! (excited)

Maddox: It's selective blindness, Dick. They're having selective blindness to information they don't wanna see just so they can continue getting paid by these lobbyists.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Have you ever been in Washington, D.C., by the way?

Dick: Yeah, I've been there.

Maddox: Have you been to Dupont Circle?

Dick: I don't know what that is.

Maddox: Dupont Circle is kind of the central area where there's a whole bunch of restaurants and shops and things like that. There's a subway stop there. It's very central. It's probably about 5, 10 minutes away from the White House. It's just right there. You can walk around the corner and get to the White House. It's right next to all the action in Washington, D.C. Very central, commercial area. Almost every single restaurant there is a five-star restaurant. Just, with through-the-roof prices. I have NEVER seen anything like this. Every…

Dick: (interjects) Get some good steaks there, I bet.

Maddox: (laughs) You know what Dick, you can, 'cause I've had some excellent, excellent food there. But you walk in and the menu items start at 80$, 90$, 100$. I look at this, and I think, this is not America! Who can AFFORD this shit?! 'Cause you know who can?

Dick: What do you mean? What do you mean, it's not America?

Maddox: That's not America.

Dick: 'Cause it's pricy?

Maddox: You go ANYWHERE else in America, you're not gonna see those prices!!! (yelling)

Dick: What if you go to Beverly Hills, walk up and down! Ruth's Christ is right across the street from Morton's, isn't it?!

Maddox: Beverly Hills is a tiny little pocket, and by the way, you can get cheap meals in Beverly Hills. I don't see any of that shit in Dupont Circle. It's all fucking high-end restaurants. Look, the number of restaurants in Beverly Hills where they have outrageous prices is, what, maybe like, 5, 6? This is every restaurant in D.C. is like this.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Every restaurant is expensive as shit. And this is not…this is not America. This is a different economy. The economy of scale here is totally different. This is more expensive than New York. This is more expensive than San Francisco. Than Chicago. Every big city I've been to. This is insane. And you know why? Because lobbyists are paying for that. And Congress members are going to eat there. And senators are going to eat there. And they're getting paid from the Parent Television Council and all these other lobbyists. That's who is funding this.

Dick: How do they get money?

Maddox: Oh, through donors. They send out fliers to their mostly Christian constituents.

Dick: And dipshits who don't like Dick in a Box are writing cheques to these buttholes so they can ruin the Internet?

Maddox: Yeah. Seth McFarlane had a really good comment about them awhile back. I'm just paraphrasing here, but he called them "The worst human beings" and "total dicks" and just "scum"

Dick: Like, they kind of are, right? You're just ruining everyone else's fun for no reason, really. You don't like bad words? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah, you're imposing your belief system onto other people. They had a HUGE problem with Nicki Minaj's new Anaconda video.

Dick: I don't even know what that is.

Maddox: Nicky Minaj came out with this video. It's actually pretty great. It's for a music video called Anaconda. And she mixes an old Sir Mix-A-Lot song into it, and talks about uhh…butts. And whatever. She's basically twerking and showing off her ass, which is fake. She has a fake ass.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah. Um, and anyway. They have a huge problem with this. A huge problem with this sexually suggestive…and they didn't want it aired during the MTV…VMA awards.

Dick: So who's their watchdog, who's like the closet pervert, who like spies all this stuff and then reports it? Is that how…do guys get caught in these circles doing stuff, and then they're like "Oh, just researching! We hate it now. Let's get it off the Internet. I gotta watch it a couple more times first though."

Maddox: Brent Bozell.

Dick: That's the guy's name?

Maddox: That's the guy's name. Yeah. He's a pretty far Christian dude.

Dick: Hmmm.

Maddox: Has a huge problem with this. I think he's doing God's work. God would want him to watch a lot of hours of tits and ass and Dick in the Box.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: For the sake of us. For the sake of his flock.

Dick: Yeahhh.

Maddox: His sheep. (laughs)

Dick: Let's review the problems.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I had…I had..."Shitty Road Trip Passengers" and "Jennifer Lawrence's Tits".

Maddox: And I had "Nepotism" and "The Parent Television Council". Big, big problems this week. So go to the website,, vote on these very important…and we will be discussing which ones won next week.

Dick: Yep! Thanks for listening.

Maddox: Thanks guys.