Problem: Human Robots [00:21:11]
Problem: Man Buns [00:45:01]
The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 72
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock and Laurie Foster
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe from Ants to Terrorism. With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back, guys.
Dick: Hey, I think the guy who came up with that bit deserves some credit, by the way. I don't know if you ever mentioned this on the podcast, but I was cruising the problems list on our website.
Dick: http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com , and I saw a guy list a whole bunch of these intros.
Maddox: Yeah. Right.
Dick: Like "(blank) to (blank)."
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. I...
Maddox: First of all, I'm the guy who came up with the bit.
Dick: Okay. (chuckles)
Maddox: Second, those ones that he listed?
Maddox: When I first mentioned it on the podcast, when I used one of his, I gave him credit.
Maddox: Yeah, I did.
Dick: I didn't know that.
Maddox: Several times! I've used...every one of his that I've used, I gave him credit. But yeah, thanks! They were...a lot of those were really funny. (Dick scoffs and laughs)
Dick: That sounded like a sarcastic "thank you."
Maddox: No, I liked 'em! Yeah.
Dick: Oh, okay. (smiling) Anyway, how'd we do? What did we find out? What did we discover? What did we learn about our fans last week?
Maddox: Well, we learned that they're idiots. (drumroll sound effect) Stonewalling Vegans came in the #1 problem from last week, with more than...more... (Dick sighs) ...a bigger problem than Paralysis!
Dick: Guys, you disappoint me. (wearily)
Maddox: And me too! Look guys, I know...I'm not disingenuous when I say this. I absolutely believe that paralysis is a bigger problem -
Dick: (interjects) Is a...WAY bigger problem.
Maddox: Yeah, than stonewalling vegans. And then the Artificial Scarcity of Pretzel Buns -- uh, fuck off with that problem. I don't...that shouldn't even be on the list. Who cares? But paralysis legitimately is a bigger problem than the minor inconvenience of being annoyed when you go to dinner. (chuckling)
Dick: I don't know. This is what...this is who we are when we're invisible. Right? Like, everybody can get on TV and say how much...and get on Facebook and say how much they wanna support paralysis and ALS and whatever, but when they're...when they're in the voting booth, when they've got their vote to give, they vote, "Eh, stonewalling vegans...I haven't even run into one, but Maddox's story annoyed me so much that I'm upvoting that."
Maddox: Yeah. It was a good...it was a good tag team effort, that last episode.
Maddox: Stonewalling vegans, huge...huge problem! But paralysis is way bigger. WAY bigger.
Dick: This guy says, "Hey Dick, regarding your paralysis problem, my mom was a physical attendant for a school friend of mine who had muscular dystrophy." Uh, this is Sergeant Bravo. "It's a muscle disease that weakens the mu-..." uh, "...the musculoskeletal system and hampers locomotion. He was literally skin and bone and was physically unable to do many things, like lift his head up. While he was able to enjoy life to the best of his abilities, I can't even imagine how much of a struggle it was for..." (trails off) Yeah, this is...did we not make...does this point need to be made?! Does everyone not know how horrible it is, that it only gets 500 votes?!?
Maddox: No, it got about 9-...as of this recording, 924 votes. It's not that far from Stonewalling Vegans. But guys, you know what I've noticed about our fans, Dick? Is...and this is something that really annoys me personally, is I see the problems that consistently get upvoted in the section, sometimes over bigger problems -
Dick: (interjects) Annoyances. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, are personal annoyances and minor grievances.
Maddox: Like for example, the...uh, Death vs. Hoverboard Hoaxes thing. Like...
Dick: Ohh, no, no, no. (cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah, it was...yeah.
Dick: Okay. (amused)
Maddox: No, for sure. For sure!
Dick: (stammers) But...yeah... (hesitant)
Maddox: (raises voice) You don't...YOU don't believe that Hoverboard Hoaxes is a bigger problem than death. YOU don't believe that. Nobody believes that!
Dick: Yeah, but death is not nuanced enough.
Maddox: Yeah. (irritated)
Dick: Like, death is way too big. 'Cause you can't have meat without death, and meat is one of your biggest solutions!
Dick: You cannot have meat without the death of animals.
Maddox: Right. But you can't -
Dick: (interjects) So...but there you go!
Maddox: But Dick, you don't have to make that case with every fucking thing! You don't have to...I don't have to come out and make the case that death is a bad thing, 'cause it affects people...everyone can think of at least one aspect of death that's good and one aspect of death that's bad. (Dick scoffs and laughs) Even Hoverboard -
Dick: (interjects) That's why it doesn't get votes!!
Maddox: Even Hoverboard...even Hoverboard Hoaxes, dickhead! Hoverboard Hoaxes was good in that without it, we wouldn't have had that episode. There you go, dickhead. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Dick: Uhh, no. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, fuck off! Yeah, it's the same thing! (annoyed)
Dick: Uh, I guess it...it's the same thing. You're right. (grinning) It's exactly the same.
Maddox: No, everything has positives and negatives, man! That's why I brought in Dumb People during a solutions episode -- it got downvoted -- because there are some advantages to dumb people. It's good to have a, uh...an intelligence deficit, because without it, those people wouldn't be doing their jobs that we rely on!
Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)
Dick: I'm getting too confused. (Sean laughs in the background) But this guy goes on. Unfortunately, his friend died in his early 20s due to choking on phlegm. (Sean grimaces) Have you...is that a worry for stonewalling vegans? You ever gotta worry about choking on phlegm 'cause you have no, uh...you can't handle...you can't control your throat muscles? "His death hit both my mom and me very hard. I totally agree that paralysis is a huge problem, and I have trouble understanding why Maddox thinks it's a bad idea for charity to gain more attention and support than other charities. Regardless of which charity gets more support, the support is going toward a positive thing." Is that...?
Maddox: No, that's stupid.
Dick: That's part of it!
Maddox: That's stupid.
Dick: You were also shit-talking my paralysis problem!
Dick: With your hard-on for shitting on Superman.
Maddox: No, it... (stammering)
Dick: That's part of the problem too!
Maddox: This has nothin' to do with...no, this has nothin' to do with Superman. I specifically...so Dick, I was trying to look this up, and you wouldn't let me. You, uh, you wouldn't let me bring this up in the last episode.
Dick: Well, what's "this"? What's "this"?
Maddox: This stat that I posted on the website.
Maddox: Did you see the copy that I wrote?
Dick: Well, I saw your bullshit.
Maddox: No. It's not bullshit. I posted a graph; it was from http://www.vox.com/.
Dick: You gotta give some context to this though, 'cause the argument was over what charity g-...what disease gets more funding.
Dick: That was the argument, and I said cancer gets billions of dollars.
Maddox: It doesn't. It doesn't. It's not...
Dick: Absolutely does!
Maddox: It doesn't. Not...I mean, not according to this. According to this, it says "Where We Donate Vs. What Diseases Kill Us."
Maddox: And #1 -- the #1 foundation, the #1 cause of donation -- is breast cancer. By far.
Dick: Okay, cancer...
Maddox: It's #1, followed by prostate cancer. Okay?
Dick: So, cancer also. Alright.
Maddox: Right, right.
Dick: This isn't looking good for you!
Maddox: Well, it hasn't...
Dick: Throw more in the cancer bucket.
Maddox: It hasn't added up to a billion. First of all, Dick, even if it is...let's say 2-3 billion. That's a drop in the bucket.
Maddox: It's not...it's NOTHING. It's nothing.
Dick: A drop in the bucket of what?!
Maddox: Of the amount of money that we should be spending to eradicate this disease!
Dick: Well, how much you wanna spend? 20 billion?
Maddox: Pretty much! As much as it takes, because it's killing so many people. I mean -
Dick: (interjects) But what do you mean, "as much as it takes"??
Maddox: Dick, let me finish this point here. 'Kay?
Maddox: Then if you look at the deaths, the number of deaths? The #1 killer: heart disease! And by the way, that shows up #3 on the list.
Maddox: Then, after...like right after heart disease is the ALS/motor disease...motor disease challenges. Like, that's...that includes any kind of, like, paralysis, ALS...
Maddox: All these, like, motor disease challenges?
Maddox: Motor neural diseases, is what they call them.
Maddox: So that came #3, and the number of deaths that that causes is the bottom of the list. It's, like, dead last.
Maddox: But that got WAY more donations, way more charity than, uh...AIDS research, uh...
Dick: Yeah. (hesitant) Just for that one year though, right? You're not...
Dick: That's not every year.
Maddox: Uh, I don't know. I mean, it's that one year.
Dick: Of course it's that one year.
Maddox: We only...but we only have one data point.
Sean: These stats are all per year?
Maddox: This is -
Dick: (interjects) That was...this is a stat that's been ginned up to prove what he's saying about ALS.
Maddox: It's not ginned up!
Dick: Like, that's not...yeah, this was made specifically for the year of the huge Ice Bucket Challenge.
Maddox: But it's not just that, Dick. It also shows you other diseases that kill us, and where our money goes relative to the number of deaths.
Sean: Well, you know, find a narrative and then...
Sean: ...cherry-pick your facts to support it. (chuckling)
Dick: Cancer: billions of dollars every year. Obesity, heart disease: billions of dollars.
Maddox: It's not. No.
Dick: All that anti-smoking adv-...what do you think that...how much do you think that runs up? How much do you think anti-smoking money is? How much money do you think they spend on anti-smoking?
Maddox: I don't know.
Dick: Hund-...gotta be hundreds of millions. All those ads??
Dick: All this research?
Dick: All this...?
Dick: That doesn't matter to you?
Maddox: It's...it's not enough.
Dick: That's heart disease...
Maddox: Look man, just look at this graph. It's really simple to look at. Just look at the number of deaths that we have and where our money is spent! It's not proportional. Breast cancer is the #1 charity right now. Like, m-...and it doesn't affect -
Dick: (interjects) Cancer! Cancer.
Maddox: No, breast cancer specifically.
Dick: Yes, but cancer research isn't like, "Well, we solved breast cancer. Fuck all the other cancers." Like, surely when they address some cancer concerns, there's overlap in their research.
Maddox: Dick, do you understand that breast cancer, prostate cancer, ALS...uh, suicide; every single thing that kills us combined, COMBINED, is still less than heart disease?
Maddox: Like, heart disease is the #1 thing! As far as I'm concerned, heart disease should trump breast cancer, prostate cancer, ALS challenge, suicide research; everything that...everything, because it's killing so many people! That's not where the money's going.
Dick: But how much money goes into making people live healthier? Like, how much money is spent on trying to get people to eat healthier and exercise more? There's only so much you can...like eventually, you have to move your fat ass to fix heart disease!
Sean: That's a good point.
Dick: Like, you can't swallow a pill and get rid of heart disease! You have to live healthy! You can get chemo, you can get irradiated to fix some types of cancer, but you can't...you can't rewind the clock on 50 years of living like a fuckin' slob!!
Sean: The perception is, people think heart disease is more preventable than cancer.
Dick: Yeah, so what are you gonna...what am I, gonna spend money on fixing something that some shithead's been building up for 50 years of drinking and smoking like Don Draper?
Maddox: Right. It's...but...
Dick: Like, you can't do that!!
Maddox: ...but you're oversimplifying the heart disease problem. Heart disease doesn't just affect people who are chronically obese or excessively obese. There are a lot of obese people who don't get heart disease. There are a lot of skinny people who DO. Heart disease is, uh, is a condition that a lot of people have. It's a...it's something that can strike anyone anytime, regardless of your lifestyle. So that's why it's a big problem.
Sean: A lot of it's hereditary too.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Uh-oh. Somebody had a solution about that once. Alright! What do we... (Maddox laughs) Do we got any... (cracks up)
Maddox: I got another comment. Um...
Maddox: This one's from Deyan Ruggs. He says, "Christopher Reeve didn't give a shit about paralysis until it happened to him." (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Oh no!! (laughing)
Maddox: "You guys didn't give a shit about paralysis (as a problem) until Maddox brought it up last episode." Hmmm? (smug)
Dick: Oh yeah? (smiles)
Dick: Well... (shrugging)
Maddox: I'M the hero.
Dick: You're part of the problem then!
Maddox: I'm the hero!
Dick: 'Cause you're bringin' up things.
Maddox: Noo, I'm...look, you're... (stammers) That undermines your argument that you just made, right? (Dick scoffs and laughs) It's all research and all money that we spend towards good, right?
Dick: I don't think I'm tryin' to make an argument! I'm just saying billions of...eh, it doesn't matter. I got more, uh, more advice on getting girls off.
Maddox: Oh yeah? (chuckling) Let's hear this.
Dick: Uh, yeah, from Will-...William Surrett. I'm not even gonna read it. I'm gonna read one from Laurie Foster. "Listening to men give general advice about how to make women cum is hilarious." (Maddox snickers) This is from a woman!
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: By the way, guys, who I agree with...uh, and who's hot, which matters. (Maddox chuckles) "Every woman is completely different, and general advice is horseshit. It's pretty fucking simple. Just ask the woman you're with how to make her cum." Nah, well, she's wrong about that.
Maddox: No, that's absolutely true! I agree with that!
Dick: Nuh...h'oh. (laughing)
Maddox: I agree! Every woman's different! Like, you gotta ask...I mean, they're not ALL different, but generally, some women get off certain ways, certain things do it for them...you know.
Dick: Yeah. (skeptical) "She'll tell you. You'll do it. She'll help. She'll cum. :P" Well, there you go. Yeah, I think if a guy has, like, this real specific advice on how to get girls off, he's probably not been with a lot of girls. Right? 'Cause like, he...when they say it, I'm like, "Okay, so how many girls has this worked on for you?"
Dick: "Like, be honest! 3?"
Dick: "Maybe 3 or 4? Eh."
Maddox: No, there's certain girls...like, I've been with...I've been with girls. Like, one of the few girls I've been with who was never able to orgasm, I...at one point, uh, I asked her! I said, "Well, what would do it for you? What, uh, what do you like?" And it was a conversation. It was something that was, like, so specific to her...
Maddox: ...that -
Dick: (interjects) Well, wait, what was it?
Maddox: I'm not gonna get into details. Uh...
Dick: Ugh, can't you just change -
Sean: (interjects) Had she never had one?
Maddox: No, she'd never...she'd only had like one or two in her life. One was through masturbation, one was through sex, but it was...uh, really rare. She says it's...it's only happened two times in her life, and so she told me what the specific thing was, but it was so specific to her -
Dick: (interjects) Was it something on her body? Like, that you had to touch?
Maddox: Uh...no, it wasn't...it was a s-...it was a certain set of conditions. I'll just say that much. It was a certain set of conditions.
Dick: Like, it had to be a full moon? (smiles)
Maddox: Kind of!
Maddox: Not quite like full moon, but yeah, it was -
Dick: (interjects) Did it have to be nighttime? Like a time of day?
Maddox: Yes, it had to be nighttime. But that's all I'm gonna -
Dick: (interjects) In the morning?
Maddox: That's all I'm gonna say. I don't wanna get too specific, 'cause I don't -
Dick: (interjects) Why?!?
Maddox: In case, uh...
Dick: In case somebody learns how to get this poor girl off?? (Maddox laughs) Come on!! They're not...there might be a lot of this girl!
Maddox: No, I don't wanna get into the details. But suffice it to say that some girls have specific things, and I agree with Laurie's advice, which is...*ask* them. Why not?
Dick: Eh, too much talkin' already. (Maddox snickers) Uh, is it your co-host? Oh my god, tell us more about HER.
Maddox: My co-host? (laughing)
Dick: On your game show!
Maddox: This is my second week of production, and...
Dick: How is it goin'?
Maddox: Uh, great. It's a lot...Dick, I am working with, uh...every day with like 15 to 20 people, and legitimately, I don't have a problem with any of them. And this is the first time I've ever worked on anything, ANYTHING with this amount of people, where everybody gets along, everybody does their job, everybody does their part, and we all like each other and no one's a pain in the ass and there's no drama! It's like...
Maddox: It's a miracle! I love it so much.
Sean: Well, if you don't know who the asshole is... (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly)
Maddox: We've had a pool on the, uh, on the show, on the set...
Maddox: ...this last week. This guy was like, "Hey, I think I'm gonna go carb-free to lose a little bit of weight," and this girl -- one of the producers -- says, "Hey, you know what? To show you solidarity, I'm gonna go in with you on this pool." Or "I'm gonna help you...I'm gonna go carb-free." Then another guy said, "I bet I could beat all you guys and be carb-free for the end of the week!" And then I o-...that's the last thing I heard, and I just said, "I'm in!! Whatever it is, I'm in." (laughs) And so I threw myself into this stupid fucking pool where we're all going carb-free and we're all betting on who's gonna eat carbs first, and so the producers are starting to fuck with us now. Like yesterday for lunch all we got were hamburgers, onion rings, French fries. Nothing we can eat! So... (giggles)
Dick: That's all carbs?
Maddox: It's all carbs!
Maddox: And the day before they got Thai food, and they had 3 dishes...excuse me, 4 dishes. 3 of them had rice in it, so it's specifically they're fuckin' with us. They're getting stuff we can't eat to see who'll break first.
Maddox: And we're all...we're all miserable, we're hating it, and we're, like, munching...I'm FORAGING. I'm just putting fistfuls of mixed nuts in my mouth, and... (laughs) ...and I'm just eating jerky whenever I can. I'm eating anything...and then, uh, they've made an exception for alcohol, thank GOD, but that's it. Yeah, it's been...that's been a pain in the ass, but other than that, it's been good.
Dick: So did you win?
Maddox: Uhh, we know...
Dick: The carb contest?
Maddox: We know who l-...there's a guy who ducked out early.
Maddox: He had to leave for one day early for production.
Maddox: We're like 99% sure he ate carbs. (grins)
Dick: How can you tell? You gotta smell their farts, right? You gotta smell each other's farts. (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Maddox: Uh, I don't -
Dick: (interjects) That's the only way to know for sure. (smiles)
Maddox: I'll tell you this, man: when you start cutting back on carbs, you will see a difference in your poop.
Maddox: It's all, like, no-wipers for me.
Maddox: Yeah. Alright.
Dick: Uh...alright, what else do we got? I got more from the, uh, the terrorist guy that wrote in last week.
Maddox: Oh, let's hear...yeah, okay. Let's hear his rebuttal.
Dick: Well, he said that...I don't know if it's a rebuttal! A lot of people would consider this educational. Do you think it's, uh...?
Maddox: I thought it was really interesting that he wrote in. However, there was one big fact that he got wrong last episode, and he was saying...he said that there's no evidence that terrorism occurs in the countries with poor economic development and high poverty, et cetera, et cetera.
Maddox: Well, I looked at the...where terrorism is affecting the most people, and it's all countries with poor economic development and high unemployment. They're...I mean, that's pretty strong evidence.
Dick: Yeah. (hesitant) Well, he said that, um...the US supporting bin Laden himself is a myth. "The US supported parts of the anti-Soviet resistance, and bin Laden was a part of that resistance."
Maddox: Exactly! That's my point!
Dick: "Using that as evidence that the US supported bin Laden himself, though, is a fallacy of composition as a leap in logic."
Maddox: Oh my gosh. Oh. (sarcastic)
Dick: "The US funded native Afghan groups - "
Sean: (interjects) That's a little bit of a semantic argument.
Dick: Really?! You think so?
Maddox: It's very semantic, yeah.
Dick: Funding the group? Alright!
Maddox: We funded a gr-...like, look man, if you fund -
Dick: (interjects) You guys are gonna get on this guy's list. You better watch it.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: Alright. That's a...that's what he had to say.
Maddox: It was interesting! I'm glad he wrote in. Uh, Dick, I got a new bit. I don't know if you're gonna like it. Probably not. Uh...here it is.
Dick: Is it more "gotcha"?
Maddox: Eh, yeah, it is. (laughs) Here it is. [plays intro]
Maddox (goofy voice): Dick Masterson... (laser firing sounds) ...Instant Amnesia!
Dick: Mm. (irritated)
Maddox: So I got this new bit called "Dick Masterson: Instant Amnesia."
Maddox: This came from Episode 33, Dick. I don't know if you remember sayin' this. Listen to this. [plays first clip from Episode 33]
Maddox: I mean, it's hard to make the case that, uh...just in general, as a blanket statement, all products that come from China are crap. Because we -
Dick: (interjects) I'm not saying it's all!!
Maddox: Well, I...how -
Dick: (interjects) That's...I mean, admit that I'm not saying it's all!
Dick: Yeah, sure.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Okay, and then here is, uh, here's what you said...a mere, I think, 35 seconds earlier. [plays modified clip from Episode 33]
Dick: I do think that everything comes outta there that we get access to is garbage.
Dick: Yeah. (shrugging)
Dick: I do think that everything comes outta there...is garbage. (voice pitches down) That everything comes outta there...is garbage.
(pitches down again)
Dick: ...is garbage.
(pitches down again)
Dick: ...is garbage.
Maddox (goofy voice): Dick Masterson... (laser firing sounds) ...Instant Amnesia!
Dick: Yeah. (amused) (Maddox giggles) It's hard to get...it's hard to even move my emotional needle on these. Like, it's hard to get upset about them. Because you know that if I were to say all of it is crap, you'll say, "No, no, no! Some percentage of it..." All these little percents, but you kn-...you get something that says "Made In China," it's crap.
Maddox: No. (annoyed)
Dick: I...yeah, it's -
Maddox: (interjects) You're using an iPhone that you love, and it's made in China. You're using an iPad that you love, and it's made in China.
Dick: See, this is the thing. And then those guys have to go through incredible manufacturing leaps to make their stuff usable. Like, that quality doesn't apply to everything made in China. Walmart's not over there crackin' the whip on their crappy products that they're selling for bargain prices. You know?
Maddox: Yeah, but when China's producing, like...what, 60-70% of the world's manufactured goods, you know what?
Maddox: Some of that stuff is obviously pretty good, 'cause we're...we're buying it. We KEEP buying it.
Dick: I dunno.
Dick: I think it's part of their...their business culture, too. They establish themselves as the manufacturer and then they try to cut costs by cutting corners as much as possible.
Dick: Like, that's the way they increase profits.
Maddox: That's the way WE increase profits.
Dick: Eh... (hesistant)
Maddox: America does the exact same thing. That's why we outsource to China. In fact, that's... (cracks up) ...exactly why we are doing it, is to cut costs.
Dick: Yeah, I don't...I don't think you're right about that, though. Like...
Maddox: Well, how is it different?
Dick: The way American Apparel cuts costs is not by making shittier products, like using less stitches, using lower-quality materials. 'Cause we have, like, direct access to the manufacturers here.
Maddox: Well, you're talkin' specifically about American Apparel, and they are famously an American-made brand, but...
Maddox: ...most brands are not. Like most brands they sell at Macy's and, uh...like Nordstrom, all the brands they sell at those clothing stores? They all come from China. They all come from pretty much the same factory. They just change the, uh, the stitching and the label. Pretty much.
Dick: Well, I made my point about China. You disagree. (Maddox scoffs and laughs) That's fine.
Maddox: Hah, alright.
Dick: Um, you wanna...?
Maddox: Yeah! Let's...
Dick: You wanna get to a problem?
Maddox: Oh wait, Asterios -
Dick: (interjects) Oh no, this is a rough episode, man! Rough start.
Dick: I don't know, it's very rancorous.
Maddox: Well... (shrugging)
Dick: I don't know what the deal is.
Maddox: Asterios bit!
Dick: Oh, you wanna do an Asterios bit?
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, let's hear it.
Dick: Alright. Here you go. [plays first Asterios bit]
(dramatic news theme music)
Asterios: Bringing you the biggest problems from the distant future, this is News from the Year 3000.
(more theme music)
Asterios: This week saw the release of a new type of drone: the Hooker Drone. The introduction of these precision-guided prostitutes has caused men to feel a wave of paralyzing confusion, as they're not sure whether to shoot them down or have mind-blowing sex with them. In a press conference, Emperor Trump's VP Dick Mastersonson said...
Dick: Oh, cool! (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: ...quote, "They fly around and watch you, which is bad. But if you give them a $20, they (bleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep)... (Maddox and Sean laugh) ...until you're covered in chocolate sauce. And that's good!" (Maddox and Sean laughing loudly) To solve the conundrum, VP Mastersonson urged all men everywhere to drink until they thought of something.
(dramatic music turns back up)
Dick: Huh. (laughs with Maddox) That was pretty good.
Maddox: Yeah, that was good! (smiling) [music stops]
Dick: I wanna hear what's under that beep, though. He better have written something.
Maddox: Yeah. We, uh...yeah, we... (laughs) We gotta get the uncensored clip.
Maddox: Yeah. No, that was good! He even -
[Dick interrupts with second Asterios bit]
(news theme in background)
Asterios: A legion of horse-riding, gun-toting monkeys stormed into Congress and demanded that monkeys be given fair and equal access to their own Ghostbusters movie.
Maddox: Mmhm. (smug) (Dick and Sean guffaw)
Asterios: The upstart apes pointed out that we've had Asian Ghostbusters, Trans Ghostbusters, Mentally Challenged Ghostbusters (everyone laughs loudly) -- who were not good at busting ghosts, but they got medals anyway -- and even the self-hating Ghost Ghostbusters, but no Monkey Ghostbusters.
Dick: Ahhh. (amused)
Asterios: Production on "Ghostbusters Go Ape" starts next Trumptober. (everyone laughs more)
[second bit ends]
Maddox: "Go Ape." Oh, man. (smiling) Yeah, it's a...it's just a matter of time before we have an entire Ghostbusters...you know, why don't we just pander -
Dick: (interjects) Mentally Challenged Ghostbusters. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah! Why don't we just pander to all the different groups out there? Let's just have a buncha trans Ghostbusters...I mean, we talked about this.
Maddox: Yeah, it's so annoying.
Dick: I'll do one more. [plays third Asterios bit]
(news theme in background)
Asterios: AT&T Mobile-SprintRizon announced its best deal yet... (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: "SprintRizon." (laughing)
Asterios: ...on the latest model of Android Nut-Hugger. (Maddox and Sean laugh) It's got an incredible data allowance of 15 kilobytes a month. That's enough freedom to view almost an entire photo of your ex-girlfriend on Facebook...every month! And if you hit the data cap, you can now plug the phone directly into your arm and pay for more data with convenient blood!
(dramatic music turns back up)
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Ah, I love it! (giggles to himself) [music stops] Ah, good job!! Good job, Asterios.
Maddox: Thank you from the year...hailing from the year 3000! What other podcast brings you news from the future?
Dick: I don't know!
Maddox: News that hasn't happened yet!
Dick: Bring us a problem from the future.
Dick: Right now.
Maddox: Yeah. You ready??
Maddox: Alright man, here's a problem from the future! Good transition, Dick.
Dick: Well, it WAS. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah! No, I agree! (Dick and Sean laugh) That's what I'm sayin'. Human robots!! (laughs smugly) How's that of a...how's that for a problem from the future?
Maddox: Human robots! And when I say "human robots," Dick, I'm not talking about actual...androids. I'm not talkin' about -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause those wouldn't be a problem.
Maddox: No, that wouldn't...
Dick: That's what we all want.
Dick: We all secretly want sex robots. Right?
Maddox: Oh, th-
Dick: (interjects) That's all we want.
Dick: Want 'em now.
Maddox: Yeah. Eh, that's what Oculus Rift is, man! It's a...we're gettin' there. That, uh, Oc-...that digital singularity is comin' sooner than you think!
Dick: You know what? I've been meaning to talk to you about that too. I saw some weirdo having sex with, like, an Oculus Rift online this weekend for some reason. I dunno, I th-...it was posted somewhere. And I realized that your...that should've been your entire argument for the Oculus Rift.
Maddox: Well, I know that means a lot to YOU, because the sex thing. But for me, I like -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!!
Maddox: I like to experience...first of all, Dick, every single experience you can have in real life -- and I mean EVERY -- is better inside the Oculus Rift. You can have a better experience watching TV, goin' to Paris...
Maddox: ...doing homework; whatever you want to do, you can do it better inside virtual reality.
Dick: Yeah, but you could have sex with your wife and put an Oculus Rift on and make it, like, the hottest chick...ever.
Dick: That's...stop right there!
Maddox: Well, that...I would've gotten your, uh, your...I would've curried your favor a little bit more.
Dick: Yes. Yes, yes.
Maddox: So yeah, Dick, I'm not talking about actual robots; I'm talking about people who act robotic. Like they've had a set of instructions...
Maddox: ...a set of rules, and they can't fucking break them or bend them at all because they've been programmed to do those rules. Like...I gave this example a long time ago about a girl who was going through airport security, and the lady at the front was saying "Go through the first class area." And she said, "But it's first class," and she said, "That's fine, I'm letting you go through," and she said, "But it's first class."
Maddox: And she said, "Just fucking go." I get...remember that story I told?
Maddox: Yeah! So that's...that person has been so programmed rigidly to not break her code, her instructions, that she's become a fucking robot. That's... (stammers) You brought in a problem very similar to this, Dick. It's the Nuremberg -
Dick: (interjects) Nuremberg Defense.
Maddox: Nuremberg Defense. Right?
Dick: And it's way up there.
Dick: It's like #9.
Dick: On the list.
Maddox: It's essentially in that, uh...I don't know which is a bigger s-...if it's a superset or a subset, but it's related to that problem. Dick, um...so coming back to LA from Vegas, I have been taking a bus because it allows me to get some work done. I can just pull out my laptop and they have outlets, they have Wi-Fi; it's kinda nice! I spend 4 or 5 hours in a bus working, rather than...you know, having to worry about my commute or going through airport security and all that st-...
Dick: Yeah, sure.
Maddox: It's kinda nice.
Dick: How's your book goin'?
Maddox: Uh... (sighs)
Dick: You writin' your book on there?
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah I am, actually.
Dick: Can people ride the bus and read it over your shoulder? And get, like, a sneak preview?
Maddox: Uh, I've been watching that. (belches) I've been... (cracks up) I've been watching that, buddy. I pull out my phone and I turn on the camera mode so it looks like I'm taking a selfie, but what I'm really doin' is seeing if they're -
Dick: (interjects) Do you really??
Maddox: I do, yeah! (both giggle loudly)
Dick: You're nuts! (laughing)
Maddox: Uh, I feel like s-...I feel like people peer over my shoulder sometimes! "Hey, what's that guy doin?"
Dick: Yeah. Uh-huh. (grinning)
Maddox: "More interesting than what I'm doin'." Everyone's doing some stupid shit! Oh my gosh, this woman eating Funyuns the other day. This woman on the bu-...! (yells) She's just eating Funyuns for...it seemed like 2 or 3 hours!
Dick: Yeah. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Just eating the same bag of Funyuns! I'm like, "FINISH THE FUCKING FUNYUNS ALREADY." And she's, like, spilling them on herself, and... (stammers angrily)
Maddox: And she's munching them like a rabbit. Have you ever seen a rabbit chew a carrot??
Maddox: Like "nyeh-nyeh-nyeh-nyeh" with her teeth? She was doin' that with her Funyuns. AGHHH. Anyway, man. So I go to get on the bus, and I walk up to the bus that's parked at the location. Right? It's not the location that it says on the map, but it's like 4 blocks away. I walk up to the bus and I start gettin' on the bus, 'cause it's right fuckin' there. I've already purchased my ticket, I'm ready to go. Let's do this, right? This guy comes up. He goes, "Oh, uh, excuse me sir, you have to go inside and talk to the driver. You can't get on the bus." I said, "Okay." So I went inside lookin' for the driver. Of course, you know, it's, uh... (stammers) Everyone in a bus terminal looks schlubby. So no name tag, no nothin', right? So I couldn't figure out who the bus driver was, so I just waited outside the bus. And it's 15 minutes before departure, and the guy finally comes out of the...the thing, doin' whatever it is he's doin'. Taking a dump or eating...eating, uh, Funyuns. Whatever it is he's doin'. He comes up to me and I said, "Hey, this is the bus goin' to Los Angeles, right?" and he said, "Uh, yeah, but you have to go to the boarding location," and I said, "But this is the bus, right?" He goes, "You have to go to the boarding location." I said, "But this is the BUS I'm supposed to get on, right? What difference does it make?" And the boarding location is 4 blocks away! He just wants me to walk 4 blocks, for what??
Dick: Well, that's where you board. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: You f-... (giggles more) (Sean laughing in the background) (buzzer sound effect) NO!! WHY...why? Why, guys? Why?? Why are you bein' such a fuckin' stickler?
Dick: Yeeeeeah. (smiling)
Maddox: Who cares?! (Dick stammers in protest) It literally got him nothing!
Dick: Yeah, you know what though? Lemme tell you this. 'Cause I am in support of your problem, human robots. I don't think this is a great example. I'll tell you why. 9 times out of 10 he lets some dipshit get on that bus in the wrong place? You are gonna walk on that bus, take all of your clothes off and shit in the aisle. (Maddox laughs) And then how is he gonna explain that to his manager? Like, "Well, how did this guy get...well, how did this happen? Why didn't you tell him to go to the boarding area where we keep an eye out for stuff like this?"
Dick: And he's like, "Well, I don't know. He looked like a...he looked like a nice guy."
Dick: "You know."
Maddox: Or you know what you do?
Dick: (interjects) "He was takin' pictures of people lookin' over his shoulder with a camera." (grins) (Maddox and Sean laughing) "He looked like he was interested in secure...personal security."
Maddox: (sighs) Or you know what you do, man? You just let the person on the bus. Who fucking cares?
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: It costs you nothing. Just fucking do it. And if the...let's say the worst-case scenario happens, Dick. Everything you just said happens.
Maddox: I get on the bus and I'm a crazy person. I shit in the aisle.
Maddox: You know what? I would rather take the fall and clean up that shit. I won't tell my boss! I'll just clean up the shit and take care of the problem, and then, uh...you know, and then still let the next person on, because that's unlikely. (Dick laughs) That's really unlikely. And also I don't look like a homeless person who's gonna go just shit on the bus. The -
Dick: (interjects) You're riding a BUS from Vegas to LA.
Dick: You can't be too careful.
Maddox: Well... (Sean chuckles in the background) It wasn't a Greyhound! It was actually Bolt. BoltBus. And I'm specifically naming the brand, the name of the company, because I...oh, I got some stories about this Bolt experience.
Dick: Good ones or bad ones?
Maddox: Uhh, mixed. Mixed. Mostly...
Maddox: Like, the actual bus itself is really nice. But, uh, back to this guy for a second. So he was bein' a real hardass about it! Like, "Oh, you have to go to this boarding area that's 4 blocks away," and it's fucking Vegas. If you guys...anyone outside the US, or anyone in the US who's never been to Vegas, it's like 120 degrees. What's that in, uh, in Celsius? What's that, like, uh...60? Something? (cracks up)
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: It's not 60. It's like 35, 38? It's ridiculously hot.
Dick: Wait, what is it in real human degrees?
Maddox: About 110 to 120 degrees!
Maddox: And so...and the bus stop, the pickup location is just in between two chain-link fences!
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling)
Maddox: There's just two chain-link fences! There's no -
Dick: (interjects) What do you want?!
Maddox: There's no...there's no canopy for shade. You're just standing there under the fucking hot sun. People DIE out there, guys. (Dick scoffs) This is 120...like 110- to 120-degree weather!! You can't stand around in that! They...and then I -
Dick: Yeah, people can work in that, in fact!
Maddox: N-...no. No one's working in that shit. Not unless you're completely staying hydrated. So this guy just, you know, made me walk 4 blocks, and I thought about it. Right, Dick? I thought, "What possible rationale could this guy have to make me walk?" Right? And I thought, "Well, maybe it's because there are people who have reserved seating, and he should let them on first." But I knew, because of the time of departure, that it wasn't gonna be a full bus. It was may-...and I was right. At most, it was 15 people, plus I was one of those people who had reserved seating!
Maddox: He was just bein' a dick for no fucking rea-...he's bein' a human robot!! "Oh, those are the rules. You have to buhbuhbuhbuh..." (idiot voice) (Dick laughs) Shut the fuck up, man! Just let me on the fuckin' bu-... (stammers angrily) I can step on the steps here, or I have to walk 4 fuckin' blocks?? What is this, Simon Says, dipshit?! Just let me on the fuckin' bus!
Dick: Yeah, okay. Lemme give you a similar example. How 'bout, uh...going into Dodger Stadium with a beer, and the guy's like, "You can't bring that beer in here." "Well, why not?"
Dick: Is that a human robot to you?
Dick: 'Cause then you start letting people bring beer in where they're not supposed to have beer. What does it, what does it...does it turn into mass chaos?
Maddox: It's not.
Maddox: I don't think so! I think the...yeah, if someone brings in a beer...first of all, if they're doing open carry and they can see it, their supervisors might be watching and they can enforce that, right?
Maddox: But if they're searching your shit and they're being hardasses and they're being, "Oh, you..." They found your hidden flask, or they found your binocular beer?
Maddox: Fuck off, man. Just let the guy bring their beer in. We don't wanna pay...we don't wanna get gouged for your beer.
Maddox: Which is always a ripoff! Right?
Dick: Well, yeah.
Maddox: What is a...what is a regular beer at Dodger?
Dick: I think it's like 12 or 16 dollars now.
Maddox: 12 or 16 dollars??
Dick: It's outrageous, yeah. It's more expensive than, uh...I think it's more expensive than jet fuel and bull semen. (Maddox spits out laughing)
Maddox: Bull semen. (grinning) Um, and printer ink!
Maddox: Like, one of the most expensive...Dick, have you seen that video online of, uh, of the guy buying a large beer at...um, at a...it was a stadium. He bought a large beer and then he bought a small beer, and the cost difference was almost double. So he then took the small beer, emptied it out, and then took the large beer and poured it into the small cup, and it's the exact same amount.
Dick: Oh, that's too bad.
Maddox: Yeah, because they changed the rim size, so one looks a little bit bigger than the other...
Maddox: ...but they're the exact same amount.
Maddox: Yeah. HUGE...I think it was a hockey stadium, where they did this.
Maddox: Anyway man, one of the worst examples -- this is just a quick problem -- but one of the worst examples of this is...uh, parking attendants. Parking meter...like meter maids, when they give tickets?
Maddox: I was...I witnessed this one time. There was a guy who had his hazards on, and he had a permit to park in the neighborhood that he was in, 'cause a lot of neighborhoods in Los Angeles are permitted, right? So this guy was running in and out and moving. He was moving his mother, he said. This parking attendant comes up and starts writing him a ticket, and he said, "Why? I have a permit!" and he said, "Well, the permit license number doesn't match your driver's license..." Er, excuse me, "...your car license, so I'm gonna write you a ticket." He said, "But it's my mom's car, and I'm helping her move, and this is just temporary. You can see I'm running in and out of the place!" And the lady's like, "I'm still writing the ticket. Sorry, I already started. I can't stop." Which is bullshit, by the way! (Dick scoffs) That's a -
Dick: (interjects) No, no, that... (stammers) What do you mean, "bullshit"?
Maddox: If they've started writing a ticket, they can't stop?! That's fucking bullshit!
Dick: Well, what do they, have to explain...?
Sean: They have to account for every number.
Dick: Yeah, that's...the rea-...no no, that's a good law though. Like, I know it seems like a bad law, but the last thing you want is a cop or a parking attendant with the ability to start writing a ticket and then starting to barter with you whether or not you get out of this ticket.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) And I'll...wrong, and I'll tell you why.
Dick: Not even one thought about that?
Maddox: (yells) No, 'cause I know it's wrong, and I'll tell you why!! Because Dick, if you start writing a ticket and you accidentally type in the wrong number or the wrong name, you're telling me that they have to just keep typing that fucking ticket for the wrong number or wrong name? That's bullshit!
Dick: I want it to be a huge problem if they fuck up writing 7 numbers down on a piece of paper.
Maddox: No, if they...if they mistype one number, they can go back and erase it, and guess what? They can erase all of them.
Dick: But they don't...okay.
Maddox: They can!! They can! They simply can, and they're choosing not to. And I know they can, because I've dealt with parking attendants, meter maids. Very rare, but sometimes they're like, "Okay man, yeah. Just be more careful next time. I know you're a minute over."
Maddox: "Go have...have a nice day." It's like one in a million. Uh, but they...that does happen, and I don't see why not. I'm asking for a little bit of empathy. You don't have to be such a fucking robot. So this person moving his mom's stuff out of the apartment, he started getting teared up. He's like, "Look man, this is a 70..." (Dick laughs loudly)
Maddox: He's like, "This is a $70 ticket. I can't afford it right now. I just lost my job. I'm helping my mom move. She's sick. Let me just take the stuff out, just for a MINUTE..."
Dick: Helping people move, big problem!
Maddox: Yeah, well...the bigger problem here is this robotic attendant with absolutely no human emotions and just the inability to empathize on any fucking level. (yelling)
Dick: Yeah. (unsure)
Sean: Well, you...we all have experience living in Los Angeles, right?
Sean: And, like, these permitted neighborhoods, we all have experience in. A full 20% of the revenue generated by the city of Los Angeles comes from parking infractions. We've talked about that. So it's absolutely just a cash grab.
Maddox: It's a cash grab. That's exactly the same thing with the beer at the stadium! They don't want you to bring beer, 'cause it's a cash grab!
Dick: Ehh, you...yeah, that's a different problem, though. This is...these robots that you're talking about, these specific examples, you gotta keep one thing in mind: most of the time, people take advantage. Like, if everybody goes to that separate location to load up the bus, all the sudden you got a separate load-in zone. You know? People aren't capable of getting an inch of courtesy! You know?
Maddox: Well, that...that does -
Dick: (interjects) They take a mile! This is how...this is how people are. This is...what exists is because we made it this way.
Maddox: It's a slippery slope argument, man. You can't say, "Oh, if we do one person, then everyone's gonna do it!" That's not always true! I mean, one person here and there, who gives a shit? Sometimes I...you do it, I do it. We talk about -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I'm the WORST person that you want...parking wherever I want, taking advantage of things constantly?! Like, those rules exist because without parking laws, we'd just park in the middle of the street!
Maddox: Well, that's a straw man argument. I'm not saying that parking laws shouldn't exist, and I'm not saying that meter maids shouldn't exist. They absolutely do enforce laws sometimes that are necessary, because people do take advantage, but this was clearly not that example. This was a guy helping his mom move.
Sean: But now you have to screen each person for judgment.
Sean: Like, you -
Maddox: (interjects) No, you don't! No you don't, Sean. You just have to USE your judgment, because...that's another -
Sean: (interjects) What if they have bad judgment? Lots of people have poor judgment.
Maddox: Well, exactly. Then... (stammers)
Maddox: That's this problem. It's these, uh, robots who are just con-...just programmed to do this, because they get kickbacks too, Sean. Let's not say that this is, like, just them being good at their job.
Dick: Wait, who gets kickbacks?
Dick: That bus driver gets a kickback for...
Maddox: No, not that bus driver.
Dick: ...not letting you board early?
Maddox: Not that bus driver, but uh, the meter maids. The bus -
Sean: (interjects) The meter maid? I would like to see some...
Sean: I mean, I'm...you know nefarious shit goes on, but I think that's a little bit of a bold statement.
Maddox: No, no! This was a big scandal!
Sean: That, like, you know that's true.
Maddox: No, I know that's true! LA Weekly did an article about this. They said that some of these meter maids were making 6 figures, 'cause they were getting kickbacks 'cause they hit their goals. They have quotas. They a-...
Sean: Yeah, that could...that could be.
Dick: Well, I don't know if that's a kickback.
Maddox: No, they hit...they get bonuses. I mean, what's the difference?
Dick: Yeah. (shrugging)
Maddox: What, you call it a bonus, call it a kickback; they're getting kickbacks for writing tickets. So, um, another time I was out at this Indian restaurant, and this guy ran inside just for...it couldn't have been more than a minute.
Maddox: He parked in the red zone right out front, left his hazards on, left his car running, his door open. He ran inside, grabbed the food, came back outside; someone was writin' him a ticket.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: And he's like, "I just ran in for a fucking SECOND. Are you kidding me with this shit??" and they're like, "Well, you're parked in the red." And then I looked over and this moron, this robotic idiot fucking subhuman piece of shit, was also parked in red to write the ticket! Hey fuckface, you can't be...you can't have a double standard!!
Dick: Like, they're the law! What do you mean, "they can't have a double standard"?
Maddox: What do...no, they can't park in red! They're not emergency vehicles. They can't park in red EVER.
Dick: Oh, meter maids can't?
Maddox: Meter maids can't, no!!
Maddox: There's no double standard! Meter maids can't park in red. If the r-...the red zone is there...the argument there is that the red zone is there for our safety. You're not supposed to park your car there. So if this meter maid was making that case that you're not supposed to park in red, why is she parked in red?
Dick: Uhh, I don't know! So lemme ask you a question. Would you just prefer everyone to use their own judgment? Like, is that honestly what you'd want?
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, not...not everyone all the time, but generally, yes. The only time I want people to follow the rules to the tee is when it comes to life-and-death situations. If you are on an airplane, and...and even then, there can be some scenarios where there can be exceptions.
Maddox: But if you're on an airplane and, uh...it's your responsibility to open the emergency door, follow the rules. I'm not saying you should put a little spin on it. (chuckles) Don't...you know. Those are the only times I...that generally, follow the rules. But other times, yeah, use your judgment! Why not? Why's that...why is that a bad thing?
Dick: Because...people are opportunistic and sue-happy, and...this is what it creates.
Maddox: So you think that it could've opened him up to a lawsuit had he let me on 4 blocks earlier?
Dick: Well, it's just...yeah. Yeah, because what happens then? Who's...
Dick: Who else do you have to let on? I'm just... (stammers)
Maddox: There was already one person on there!
Dick: You know, I don't care if he lets you on early or not. I'm just explaining why I think we're at this point.
Dick: I think there are a lot of better examples of human robots, too.
Maddox: Gimme an example. I'm sure you have one.
Dick: All politicians? How they all sound like a computer reading a teleprompter? This is, uh...these are the people running the world? The fact that we think this is good? We watch these people recite essays written by think tanks, and this is...this is somehow good to us.
Maddox: Yeah...well, how...? I mean, it's not...what's a specific example of somebody who is following the rules to the tee, and...to the detriment of other people?
Dick: A human robot following the rules to the detriment of other people?
Dick: I can't think of one off the top of my head. What did I bring in for the Nuremberg Defense? People at Comcast?
Maddox: Comcast...uh, yeah, because that's... (mumbles)
Dick: I think a lot of ju-...oh, I think mandatory sentencing is a version of that. I think a lot of judges follow this to a...and, uh, ruin people's lives.
Maddox: Yeah, anyway, man. Human robots, that's my problem.
Dick: You got any more examples? I feel like it's a great problem but it's not getting a fair shake, 'cause I totally agree with you that people are on autopilot. Even their, like, reactions to things are all robotic.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, uh...
Dick: Just a...it's a society of robots. Like, the vision of...everyone's vision of reality that they have in their head is what they live every day, and if you don't...whatever exists around them means absolutely nothing to that. Like, they're gonna treat you and respond to every stimulus they get in accordance with their version of reality. That's very robotic to me, and nothing will sway them from that. You know what I...you know what I mean?
Maddox: Yeah. I wish that they had a version of reality and then adhered to it, rather than whatever programming or instructions that they got. I mean, that's essentially the Nuremberg problem. This whole problem of just "do what I say no matter what"...appeal to authority, listen to authority. That's what causes, uh...
Maddox: ...the rise of Nazis. That's what causes that, uh...what's the...the Milgram experiment, right? The Milgram experiment?
Dick: Is it Millican? The...the prison camp experiments where they electrocuted the pe-...
Maddox: No, no, not...
Dick: They told people to electrocute people in the other room.
Maddox: Yeah, that's the one.
Sean: Right, right.
Maddox: It's "Milgram," right?
Dick: "Millican" or "Milgram"?
Sean: I don't remember.
Dick: "Milgram"? I don't know.
Maddox: That experiment is a perfect example of human robots, because they're instructed to do something and in spite of their better judgment, they keep doing it because they are appealing to authority. They're just...and I'm not using that in the fallacious sense. I'm saying they're appealing to authority, doing exactly what they're told no matter what. That's a huge problem.
Sean: I think this is one where it's hard to come up with specific examples all the time, but I think it's one that everybody out there relates to.
Dick: Yeah, but everyone out there also is. Like, I'm sitting on a...I'm driving a bus, getting chewed out for minor infractions, and somebody comes up saying, "Hey, can I board here instead of over there?" I'm like, "Oh, fuck you. Leave me alone. I'm just tryin' to sit here eating my Twi-...eating my endless bag of Funyuns and drive this bus." (Maddox snickers) "Go wait with everybody else. You don't like it? Manage your time better." You know?
Maddox: I showed up early! (Dick scoffs) I thought that was the location!
Dick: Well, that's your first fuck-up. (laughing)
Maddox: I showed up early. I thought that was the location. Oh, and then this guy...oh, man. So we're loading our luggage onto this bus. He just stands there, watching everybody just load it... (Dick chuckles) It's like, "You have one...it's your fucking job, man!" And even if it's not...let's just say it's not in your job description.
Dick: Uh-huh. (smiling)
Maddox: Because every other bus I've driven, they help you load your stuff on and off, because you shouldn't have to manage other people's baggage! If you put your bags on in the bus on the...in the far back? Because it's all...it's all, uh...it's like a queue, right? First in, last out. If you put your bags in, then someone puts their bags in front of yours, you have to move their bags.
Maddox: Well, you shouldn't be touching other people's belongings! You shouldn't be rearranging their bags, because then you're fucking liable for it instead of this shithead bus driver who's not doing a damn thing. He's just standing around lookin' at his cell phone, bein' an asshole. And then like halfway through the bus ride, someone's text messages kept going off or something. And he came on the intercom, just BOOMING, like, louder than the voice of God that you see in movies. You know that voice you hear?
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Like, that thunder-...? It's louder than that. He's like, "Whoever's cell phone that is, turn it on silent." (angrily) Like...
Dick: Wait a minute!! That's great!
Maddox: Yeah, well -
Dick: (interjects) You wanna go on a whole bus ride with some obnoxious bitch's cell phone blingin' off the whole time?! Or obnoxious man.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: You know, could be either one, I guess, if we wanna live in a fantasy world. (Sean guffaws in the background) (giggles) If that's...I'm...that guy's a fuckin' hero!! Give him a sash! Give him a medallion!
Dick: Give him a Nobel Peace Prize, 'cause he just prevented someone from getting murdered!
Maddox: Dick, maybe...maybe my opinion of this man has been soured because he's such a BITCH.
Maddox: That's my point.
Dick: Hey, today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase. I know 100% that the code works. We know 100% that the code works. Stop saying that it doesn't work. Go to the site and use it. You get $5 off your first order.
Dick: $5 off your first order.
Maddox: It's... (both laugh) It's a good deal! I got an email, Dick, from somebody about Harry's. He said, uh...
Dick: Me too.
Maddox: He sent them an email. He said, "I've made a huge mistake." (Dick chuckles) This is to Harry's.
Maddox: "Well, 'huge'..." -- and he puts it in quotes -- "...might be a slight exaggeration, and depending on your economic background, might be considered an extreme one."
Dick: Long email already.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Oh, it's a long one. He says, "Regardless, a mistake was most certainly made by yours truly. Let me explain. I listen to a podcast called 'The Biggest Problem in the Universe.' I listen to it every week since it first aired. Before each episode one of the hosts, one Dick Masterson -- whose name is definitely not real..." (laughs)
Dick: Uh, what?!
Maddox: "...mentions that your company, Harry's, is the principal sponsor and he seems pretty excited about that fact, frequently encouraging his listeners to purchase your items because they're just so good. He's always telling and retelling the story about your company being so impressed by a razor manufacture plant in Germany. Y'all bought it to use as your sole supplier. Cool, I guess."
Dick: You know what a fuckin' ad is. (Maddox giggles) You don't have to...you don't have to read them the Wikipedia of what is an advertisement.
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean giggles in the background) (cracks up)
Dick: Like, what are you...where are you goin'?
Maddox: So he said, "I recently purchased..." uh, "...two of your Truman kits, one for my beautiful face and the other one for my girlfriend's beautiful legs and things..."
Dick: Alright. (both laugh)
Maddox: "This is where the mistake was made: I forgot to enter the promo code."
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: "Now, I know what you're thinking. 'Tough titties, dude. You already checked out.' First off, rude. Second, really? I guess I'm just asking for my $5 discount, but now that I think about it, that seems kind of silly. Or maybe not. Honestly, that's for you to decide, but $5 is a burger and a soda at In-N-Out, so consider that while considering my plight."
Dick: It's good. That's a good burger, too!
Dick: Two ads in one today!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) It's a good burger. So Harry's replied to this... (giggling) ...this guy. They said, "Hi. I don't normally do this, but given the effort in that email, I will refund you." (laughs more)
Dick: Ohh. (smiling)
Maddox: "I'll refund you. You should see $5 pop back into your account within the week. If you have any follow-up questions, please let me know. I'm happy to help in any way. Happy shaving! All the best, Harry's."
Dick: What a great company.
Maddox: Yeah. (about to laugh)
Dick: First of all, lemme say this: the phrase "I don't usually do this"?
Dick: "I don't do this all the time"?
Dick: Means exactly the opposite of that. (Maddox laughs) It means "I always do this."
Dick: So I guess if you ordered without putting the promo code in, send 'em a WAY too long of an email.
Maddox: You know what, man? That's...Harry's is exactly the example...the counterexample of what I'm saying! They are NOT human robots. They're like, "You know? We're gonna bend the rules a little bit. Okay, we liked your email. It's cheeky."
Maddox: "Here you go. Here's 5 bucks."
Dick: They're human humans.
Maddox: They're human humans!
Dick: What if their policy is to always give a refund though? Then they're...
Dick: ...then they're robots. (smiles)
Dick: Hey, um...yeah, go to... (chuckles) Go to http://harrys.com, use promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase. Alright! You wanna get to my problem?
Dick: My problem is man buns.
Maddox: Man buns!
Sean: Hmmm. (from background)
Maddox: How is that a problem?
Dick: We all know what man buns are, right?
Dick: The greatest, the best-looking...look...
Maddox: No. NO.
Dick: ...hair look for the most sexual of men?
Maddox: No. (irritated)
Sean: It looks like a f-...
Dick: (interjects) They are... (cracks up)
Sean: It looks like a fuckin' loofah on the back of your head.
Dick: It's a s-...it's a symbol of power. I think we all agree. Like a samurai warrior. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: It's a symbol -
Dick: (interjects) Except with a dick for a sword.
Maddox: Ye-... (snorts and laughs)
Dick: Right? Is that what we all know man buns to be? (grins)
Maddox: Yeah, your noodle. (stammers) It's not a symbol. It looks like you're a genie. I just see a buncha genies running around.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Dick: And I'm gonna make all your wishes come true, ladies. That's what a man bun says.
Maddox: Yeah, I wish that...
Dick: I'm a genie. (grinning)
Maddox: ...man bun would go away. How 'bout that? (belches) (both giggle)
Dick: All your worries are gonna be like Robin Williams: totally dead. (everyone laughs) Speakin' of genies.
Maddox: (audience laughter sound effect) (laughs more) Ohhhh. (worn out from laughing)
Dick: I got about, uh...I got about 100 emails. I got 100 emails this week; 50 of them were making fun of me for the recent Rick and Morty episode...
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: ...with guys with tiny faces.
Maddox: That's...I saw that.
Dick: So fuck everyone who sent me that.
Maddox: It's funny.
Dick: The other 50 were how man buns apparently... (inhales) ...cause baldness.
Dick: Traction alopecia.
Dick: Traction alopecia.
Maddox: Traction? Isn't it torsion?
Dick: Uh, it's...
Maddox: I thought it was torsion.
Dick: Well, the article I read says "traction."
Sean: Nah, I think I was wrong on that.
Maddox: It says "traction." Okay.
Dick: 'Cause torsion is like a twisting. Traction is...
Dick: ...pulling, right?
Dick: Like a tractor. "Traction alopecia is hair loss that occurs after persistent gentle pulling on the roots over several hours or days."
Dick: Yeah. "Unlike a hair pluck, which is painful, persistent gentle pulling may go unnoticed until bald spots, or alopecia, start to appear."
Maddox: So is this, uh...Dick, is this a problem unique to men? Because if you think about it, women do this all the time with ponytails and pigtails.
Dick: Well, that's what pissed me off first about this. When I first started twirling my hair up into a little man bun, right? Before it had -
Maddox: (interjects) Beco-...yeah.
Dick: Ye-...well, what? Go ahead.
Maddox: Becoming a woman, yes. Go on.
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox giggles) Uh, before it had caught on, right?
Maddox: Yeah. It...oh, f-... (scoffing)
Dick: Like, I'm always at the front.
Maddox: Uhh...mmm... (skeptical)
Dick: Of these...what? Go ahead.
Maddox: It's been a thing for like 6 years, man! You didn't have that that long.
Dick: 6 years?? (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah! Hipsters in Silver Lake's been rockin' a man bun for...
Maddox: ...for a while!
Dick: Maddox, don't say these crazy, embarrassing things. (Maddox chuckles) Fashion trends do not last 6 years. Alright? Let's start there. Facebook rises and falls in 6 years.
Maddox: Yeah. (muttering)
Dick: Man buns been around for...a small amount of time in the zeitgeist. Anyway, when these girls first started doing it to me...'cause when you have long hair, girls always wanna touch it.
Dick: They wanna touch it, they wanna do it, they wanna put it inside them...you know? (Maddox snorts)
Dick: They wa-...they WANT it. They want it. They... you know, not necessarily that way. They wanna put it in their mouths as well.
Dick: Yeah. So... (Maddox snickers) They would wrap...they would wrap my hair up in these impossibly tight buns.
Dick: And I would say, "What the hell are you doin'?" Right? This can't be good. This can't be good for you.
Maddox: Right. Yeah.
Dick: So I'm like, "Darling, this is way too tight. Right? This can't possibly be..." She goes, "Oh, you guys! You're always so sensitive about your hair." (high-pitched) Right?
Dick: That's the line I always hear. We're like, "Yeah, because it's like, um...it feels like Russian roulette every year that it doesn't fall out." Like, 'cause I ne-...I WANT it. I don't want it to go. I don't wanna upset it. It's like a...it's like a harvest god.
Maddox: It's not so bad.
Dick: Your hair. For men.
Maddox: It's not so bad.
Dick: Maddox, have you seen yourself?? (everyone laughs loudly)
Maddox: You...you know what?! Fuck you! (buzzer sound effect) I don't need this shit!! (Dick still laughing)
Dick: It is!! You're, like, worshipping a fertility god! Like, "Please! Please, I don't know what you want me to do. If you want me to sacrifice a virgin, you want me to kill a bunch of cows; whatever you wanna do, I'll do it. Please let me keep my hair."
Maddox: Ohh no dude, you're so fuckin' off on this. Look man, given the option I would rather have hair than not, because then I can always have the option to NOT have it. 'Cause I can always shave.
Dick: Uh-huh. (about to laugh)
Maddox: BUT, not having it is still fuckin' cool. Look at, uh... (stammers) It's a...uh, men who are bald or balding look powerful. That's a fact. Look at, uh...
Dick: What do you mean, "it's a fact"?
Maddox: Like Captain Picard! They actually did a study where they showed a bunch of people...different, uh, different hairstyles on men, and consistently across the board anyone who was bald, they were like, "That's authority." They'd just look at it as a -
Dick: (interjects) What?!?
Maddox: Yeah! Author-...it's, uh, very authoritative.
Dick: Who put on this study?
Maddox: Bald men. (laughs loudly)
Dick: Yeah! (laughing)
Maddox: No, uh...yeah! No, look into it! I...they look at different hairstyles and stuff. And they especially analyzed, like, presidential looks. Um...it's because they were looking at Obama's hairstyle versus Bush's versus Clinton's, and so on and so forth.
Dick: They all have hair, though.
Maddox: Yeah, they have hair.
Dick: Who was a bald president?
Maddox: No, but Obama...Obama has a very, like, short cut. But again, the example Bruce Willis...uh, famous bald man; Captain Picard, famous bald man; what's his name, um...Patrick Stewart, the real guy?
Maddox: Yeah. And what's his name, the, uh, the guy...the transporter dude?
Dick: Jason Statham?
Maddox: Statham? Yeeeah! That's what I look like. Jason Statham. (smug)
Dick: Yeah. Well, John Wayne Gacy, did he have hair?
Maddox: No, he had plenty of hair.
Dick: Oh, o-...
Maddox: (interjects) He had a man bun.
Dick: Oho, he did?
Dick: God dammit.
Maddox: Yeah. (smiles)
Dick: Uh, I got some...I got another study about...speaking of looks.
Dick: Here is a survey of women asked what they think about man buns. Uh, 27% hate them. That's a lot.
Maddox: 27% of women hate man buns?
Sean: I thought it would be higher.
Maddox: Yeah, that's what...that's a...
Maddox: That's wi-...way off.
Dick: Well, hold on.
Maddox: Way off. It's 100%.
Dick: 3-... (cracking up) Don't like them: 35%. So now we're well above 50. Like 'em: 24%. Uh...
Dick: Really like 'em: 14%. But you know, you ask women, "Do you like...what do you...do you like guys?" (Maddox smirks)
Maddox: Here we go.
Dick: And they're like, "90%: No." (Maddox laughs) "Don't like."
Maddox: I mean...
Dick: Like, come on!
Maddox: That's a...that's a h-...
Dick: Who can trust these...who can trust these numbers?
Maddox: No, that's accurate too! It's 100%. 100% of women don't like guys, and 100% of women don't like man buns.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: They just don't like anything that guys can rock. (stammers) Okay, what do you wa-...how do you wanna defend this, Dick? Why -
Dick: (interjects) Have you ever worn a wig?
Dick: What do you think about...how did that go?
Maddox: It was fuckin' cool, man! I have this wig that I wear. I got it a long time ago, because I needed...it's a big afro, and I got it -
Dick: (interjects) God dammit. (chuckling)
Maddox: I got... (cracks up) I got it a long time ago.
Dick: That's not what I meant!! Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah! No, I wear it out sometimes! I -
Sean: (interjects) Did you mean to hide his baldness?
Maddox: Oh. (annoyed)
Dick: Yeah, I meant, like, a NORMAL wig.
Maddox: Like a toupee??
Maddox: Nooo! Fuck no. But I got this afro -
Dick: (interjects) You don't think...you're not interested? That would be funny!
Maddox: Nooo! (irritated)
Dick: Don't you think??
Maddox: They all look fake, man. They all look goofy. And also, I'm comfortable with who I am and I'm comfortable with my hairstyle.
Dick: Ah. (smiles)
Maddox: Or lack thereof.
Maddox: But, uh, I got this afro a long time ago, 'cause I needed pubes for a costume, so I just snipped off some of the hair and I used it for pubes. And then I had this afro laying around the house, and I thought one day, "Ah, I'm gonna wear this out. You know, whatever, fuck it." And it became my party w-...my party 'fro, because every time I go to parties I wear this thing. And you've seen me, Dick! You've seen me wear this thing to parties, right?
Dick: Yeah. (sneering)
Maddox: I show up and people...it looks... (Sean and Dick laugh loudly) What's that "myeeeeah"?
Dick: I mean, I...
Maddox: What?! (snapping)
Dick: I don't know, you got all these props for parties.
Dick: You need a big afro wig for parties?
Maddox: I don't NEED it! It's a fun... (stammers) It's a fun enhancer! That's what it is!!
Dick: That's a lot of...it's a lot of attention for one person.
Maddox: It's a fun enhancer, and I usually wear it to parties where other people are dressed up. (Dick restraining laughter) So I wear my party 'fro, I got my cape; look like a fuckin' badass. I'm go-
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. (scoffing)
Maddox: Every time I go to one of those parties, I make a stop on...at, uh, Pussy Town on my way home. (Dick laughs quietly) That's right. (cracks up) That's right! Population: me and the BABES.
Maddox: "Babes." Multiples. (silence) (Sean guffaws) Yeah.
Dick: Well, that's my problem. It's pulling out...it's pulling out hair! How can you...and how could you not have such a beautiful look that will also pull out your hair? It's like the ultimate catch-22. (Maddox sighs exasperatedly)
Maddox: No, it's not, Dick. (cracking up) 'Cause one of those...one of those presumptions is false; it's not a beautiful look. It looks kinda...it's just a goofy, stupid trend. G-...how long are you gonna rock this thing?
Dick: I don't know. I, um...
Maddox: Are you...and -
Dick: (interjects) I'm workin' on somethin' with...you know Justin, the guy who directed our live show?
Maddox: Yeah! Justin Donaldson, he directed our live show. He also runs the Tournament of Nerds show at UCB Theatre with Hal Rudnick. It's a really funny show. He's, uh, one of our good friends. So you're workin' on somethin' with him, so you have to keep the man bun?
Dick: Yeah, and then I'm gonna cut...yeah, then I'm gonna cut it.
Maddox: And then you're gonna cut it?
Dick: They gotta cut the hair. It's fu-...
Maddox: It's unwieldy!
Dick: ...a real pain in the ass.
Maddox: Yeah, here's what a pain in the ass it is, Dick Masterson. You have pins in your hair!
Maddox: Like the bobby pi-...bobby pins!
Dick: No, I don't have...it's a...it's just a hair tie.
Maddox: Or what is it, scrunchies? Hair ties?
Dick: It's not a scrunchie. (chuckling)
Dick: It's like a piece of elastic. (Sean laughing loudly in the background)
Dick: It's not... (breaks down laughing)
Maddox: I find, like, scrunchies...no, you've had...
Dick: It's not a scrunchie!
Maddox: I've found your fuckin' scrunchies, dickhead! I've found your twi-...your...your hair pulls.
Dick: Maddox, this is not a SCRUNCHIE.
Maddox: I know. Maybe not what you're currently wearing, but you have worn scrunchies.
Dick: I do n-...! (laughing)
Maddox: Ohh, yeah. (sarcastic)
Dick: I have not worn a scrunchie that was mine.
Dick: That I n-...that I didn't get that night from some girl. I do not have a scrunchie in my apartment.
Maddox: Well, maybe not now, but I have found scrunchies here.
Dick: Do you know what is a scrunchie?
Maddox: Yeah, I know what is a scrunchie.
Dick: What is it?
Maddox: It's a...a little hair tie! Er, a hair pull.
Dick: But it's puffy!
Maddox: Like a ru-...oh no, okay. Not that. What am I talkin' about? The hair band.
Dick: You're talking about just an elastic band.
Maddox: But what are those things specifically called -
Sean: (interjects) With the two little beads on it?
Maddox: No, not that, Sean. (everyone laughs) Although I'm su-...you -
Dick: (interjects) Telling everybody I wear scrunchies. (disdainful)
Maddox: It...what's -
Dick: (interjects) You don't even know what it is!
Maddox: What's the one that's not fluffy, it's just a band? A hair band! Right?
Maddox: Yeah! And I see those around my apartment, I think, "Aw man, my ex-girlfriend leaving..."
Dick: Those are not mine!!
Maddox: "I'm still finding..." They're yours, dude!
Dick: Why would I have hair ties at your apartment?! I have one on me!
Maddox: I've found your hair t-...this was a long time ago. This was actually even before the podcast era, uh, I think about a year and a half ago. But I found some, and there were bobby pins and hair things. And the girl I was dating at the time, I said, "Hey, what the fuck? Don't leave these around my apartment. It's a huge pet peeve of mine," and then she's like, "It's not mine!" And I was like, "It's fuckin' Dick's!!"
Dick: Oh... (stammers) Maddox, she's lying.
Maddox: No, it wasn't.
Dick: Of course it's hers!
Maddox: It was where you were sitting!
Dick: Of course it's hers.
Maddox: It was where you were sitting, dickhead! I remember! (smiling)
Dick: She FRAMED me. (Maddox scoffs) She put them over there to leave them...to spite you, 'cause she knew it pissed you off.
Maddox: Bullllllshit. Bullshit, man.
Dick: Alright, anyway, that's my problem. (muttering)
Maddox: It's a goofy...look, when you started rockin' this thing, Dick, I thought, "Huh, that's interesting. Why?" Were you...like, if we were in the '70s, I feel like you would be wearing bell bottoms. You said earl-
Dick: (interjects) Uh, yeah, of course!
Maddox: You said earlier -
Dick: (interjects) Bell bottoms are awesome.
Maddox: You said earlier that...that, uh, style trends don't last more than 6 years. Is that what you said?
Dick: Yeah, they...like, they come in on a burst and then they taper out, and then they come back in 20-30 years.
Maddox: Right. But they usually last for a decade, and that's why decades have their specific looks.
Dick: (chuckles) Sorry, wait. What?
Dick: They usually last for a decade?
Maddox: Yeah, about 8 years. It takes the first 2 years of a new decade for that style to catch on, and then it, uh, it hits its peak about 3 or 4 years into it. Then it's on its decline, and now that's what you're seein' right now is that the hair bun's goin' out, and you're movin' on to the next thing. But that's what happened with the...in the '90s with flannel, that's what happened in the '80s with big hair and fluorescent...
Maddox: ...and that's what happened in the '70s with bell bottoms. That's what happens. That's what's happening right now with hipsters! And skinny jeans, and man buns! You're seeing the decline, and that's why these articles are comin' out and now it's not gettin' cool, so you're gonna move on to the next thing.
Dick: No, I'm gonna move on because of safety.
Maddox: Because of safety. (snickering)
Dick: That's why. Because of health reasons. Alright, you got another...? Eh, we're already at an hour.
Maddox: Well, um... (sighs)
Dick: I wanted to b-...you know what? Oh, sh-...
Maddox: Yeah, bring it up.
Dick: I don't know if w-...what do you got? You got somethin' good to talk about? 'Cause I really wanna...I wanted to talk about knee-jerk reactions that we saw a lot of this week. I wanted to talk about the pope coming in to our government, our Congress, and telling us how to run our shit.
Maddox: Well...uh, my problem's long, so do...do another one.
Dick: Nah, my problems are long too.
Maddox: Okay, well, do one...
Dick: It's just...
Maddox: You teased the...the Trump thing. Do you wanna talk about...?
Dick: Oh, FUCK! You wanna hear about Trump??
Dick: Okay. Do you have the clip?
Maddox: I do.
Dick: Okay. So my life coach calls me out of the blue like a month ago, and he never has something that must be done. Like, he calls me urgently.
Dick: And his...the only other time he's called me this urgently was when we had to buy AR-15s that were on sale. They were on sale...
Dick: ...$700. A great deal for an AR-15.
Dick: And January 1, California was starting to register long guns.
Dick: So we had to buy them immediately.
Maddox: It's urgent.
Dick: It's urgent! So he's like, "Meet me at Turner's gun store after work. We gotta buy these AR-15s."
Dick: And he was totally right!
Dick: Great life coaching.
Dick: Right? Now we both have AR-15...now we have matching AR-15s.
Maddox: You guys go on a date together.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Take your AR-15s, go to an open carry event, annoy everyone... (Dick starts laughing) Do...you know, do it up. Go to a Starbucks and harass people.
Sean: Leave some bobby pins.
Maddox: Yeah, leave bobby pins around everywhere.
Dick: Ohh, fuck you, Sean. (smiling) (Maddox giggles) So he goes, "You gotta buy this...you gotta buy a ticket to this Trump event."
Dick: Right? It's 100 bucks.
Maddox: H'oh boy.
Dick: It's..."oh boy" what?
Maddox: That's...this is the urgent thing he's calling you about? To buy a ticket to this Trump event?
Dick: Yes!! But it's... (stammers) That's...Maddox, you gotta act fast!
Maddox: Yeah. (sarcastic)
Dick: This was aboard the USS I-...this was aboard a battleship.
Dick: You know, Trump...Trump usually speaks to, like, hundreds of millions of people.
Maddox: A noted warrior. He's doin' a speech on a battleship, yes.
Maddox: Go on. (chuckling)
Dick: And this is an event where you can talk...where you can be one of a thousand people!
Dick: You know? This is...please!
Maddox: A thousand! (cynical)
Maddox: It's a...Trump's pullin' a thousand people? Holy shit.
Dick: No, that's the ca-...that's all that...are you fuckin' listening to this at all?! (Maddox laughs) Or are you just drawing caterpillars?
Maddox: (yells) Don't worry about what I'm draw-...you draw...you doodle all the time too!
Dick: Not while you're talking! This is the only time you can see him in that small of a group, 'cause that's all the people that can fit on the battleship.
Dick: So, of course I'm on board.
Dick: And because, you know, it's a military charity that was later found to be... (cracking up) ...uh, dicey?
Maddox: Uh-huh. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Like, somewhat fraudulent? (laughing)
Maddox: Which one was it?
Dick: As in...uh, I don't know. Stuff like the Veterans for a Strong Militar-...
Maddox: Wounded Warriors or something? Yeah.
Dick: Nonono, it's not one you've ever heard of, 'cause it was only, like, run by one guy.
Dick: As it turned out.
Dick: And I don't know if it was a real charity or not, and I don't give a fuck. So...the day rolls around, the Trump rally rolls around. Right? And we already have our Trump hats.
Dick: Our red and white matching Trump hats.
Maddox: "MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN."
Dick: Of course.
Dick: All in caps.
Dick: So it's unreadable. (sighs)
Maddox: 'Cause America's a real shithole. We gotta make it great again.
Dick: Maddox, it's full of militarized police...
Dick: ...and slacktivists, and human robots...
Dick: ...and, uh, gourmet dog food?
Maddox: Mhm. (chuckles)
Dick: It's a horrible place.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) Okay.
Dick: (cracks up) Um...so we show up about...you know, couple hours early to start drinking.
Dick: Down in San Pedro, where the USS Iowa is.
Maddox: I mean, you have...yeah. You have to if you're going to a Trump rally.
Dick: Yeah, I...I THINK so. Are you being sarc-...? You're being...you're not being sarcastic, right?
Maddox: (hesitates) I mean that in that you have to be drunk to endure him.
Dick: Oh. Why? What do you...?
Maddox: But you were drinking to party.
Dick: Who do you wanna...who do you wanna endure? Who do you not have to be drunk to endure? Like, who's giving a speech where you're like, "I really wanna be sober so I can take in these talking points!"
Maddox: (shrugs) Ross the Boss Perot, buddy.
Dick: Yeah, alright. (sneering)
Maddox: If he came back, yeah.
Dick: We're gonna be outside. We're gonna be outside in the sun, so we're like, "Might as well have a 6-beer, 7-beer buzz on." Right?
Maddox: But this is like a party atmosphere for you, right? You're goin' in...
Dick: Oh, yeah!
Maddox: You're goin' into...okay, yeah.
Maddox: That's why.
Dick: So we hop in the Uber to get to the USS Iowa, and what do I see on the horizon? A shitload of protesters. (ominously)
Dick: So I'm like, "Oh boy. Hey, dude, drop us off in the middle of the protesters." (Maddox laughs) Right? (grins)
Dick: And my life coach is like, "Uhh, are you...are you sure about that?" and I said, "Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah! I wanna get in a fight with one of these protesters."
Maddox: Okay. (about to laugh)
Dick: So the Uber guy's laughing now, and I said, "Hey hey, Uber guy: if the news interviews you after this, tell 'em the last thing I told you was, 'I'm gonna go get into a fight with these protesters.'"
Dick: Right? So he's like, "Alright, alright. Great." So we get out, get in the middle of these protesters, and...immediately, the whitest guy in the world comes up to me and starts screaming about how I'm a racist and a bigot.
Dick: Right? Like, a guy with a -
Maddox: (interjects) How did he know you?! (everyone laughs)
Dick: Rolls right off...the accusation rolls right off your tongue!
Dick: That's the world we l-...right off your tongue.
Maddox: I'm so tired of that, man.
Maddox: I'm so tired of just, like, the blanket characterizations of all conservatives as being racist, or the blanket characterizations of all liberals being, uh...what, communists, or whatever -
Dick: (interjects) Pussies.
Maddox: Yeah. Big pussi-
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. Money-grubbing, gun-grabbing...
Maddox: I'm so tired of...it's just such a lazy argument. It's just, IMMEDIATELY hurl "racist"..."racist" and "bigot" towards...just 'cause they're conservative.
Maddox: And, a l-...I mean, you know, if... (laughs) If the conservative...the far extremes of those movements, like the Ku Klux Klan, white nationalists? They do generally tend to vote conservative.
Dick: The Nazis were liberal!! I mean, let's not...let's not say any party has a, um...monopoly on bigotry and racism!
Maddox: I...I think it's too simple to just say Nazis were liberal or conservative or whatever. They had a mixed...they were kind of a mixed...mixed bag.
Dick: Socialist. National Socialist Party.
Maddox: They hated socialists! No, were...they hated socialism. The Na-...the fascists?
Sean: What, Nazis??
Maddox: Yeah, they hated socialists.
Sean: It was called the "National Socialist German Workers' Party."
Dick: "Socialist." Yeah.
Maddox: Right, but they hated...they hated, uh, communism, right?
Sean: No, they...yes, they hated COMMUNISM.
Dick: Socialism was...big thumbs up.
Maddox: Social-...yeah, but socialism... (stammers) Anyway, it's complicated. We're gettin' into...anyway.
Dick: Okay, so I'm walk-
Maddox: (interjects) But I hate what they did to you. That's what...yeah.
Dick: Oh yeah, it's great. And I'm...
Dick: ...I'm laughing hysterically, 'cause I know this can only go one way.
Dick: Right? This can only go, "You are..." (chuckles) "You think you're a good person, and you're ready to start beating someone 'cause they don't agree with you."
Dick: Like, I win!
Dick: I win. You can't beat it ou-...you can't beat that win out of me.
Maddox: Yeah, it's -
Sean: (interjects) Who's half Mexican.
Dick: (excited) Yeah. Yeah, that's the...that's the greatest part!!
Sean: Would he have said that if he knew you were half Mexican?
Dick: Ohhh, of course not.
Maddox: But racists can be Mexican. The racists can be black. Racists -
Sean: (interjects) Well, of course, but a white person isn't going to do that.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's funny.
Dick: Mexicans can't be racist. How dare you say that. (Maddox laughs) So we're going through, and all these protest-...most of these protesters are having a good time 'cause they're paid to be there. You know what I'm saying? Like, all their signs are perfectly, uh...kerned and illustrated.
Maddox: Oh, hold on. That's a conspiracy theory. Who's payin' them to be there?
Dick: The...group for illegal immigrant advocacy.
Maddox: You think?
Dick: They p-...yeah! They...because when they get those protesters on the news?
Dick: They get an ad for their advocacy group to bring in more revenue.
Maddox: Do you...is this a theory of yours or do you have any evidence for this?
Dick: I didn't even know this...there was a question! I thought this was common practice in politics.
Sean: No, it's...yeah, it has been for a long time.
Dick: Yeah, I didn't...I didn't even know they were secretive about it.
Dick: It was just comical to me to see all the people, like... (stammers excitedly) Like, you imagine a protesting group, you would imagine, like, kind of a...like a rebel alliance group? Where it's like there's a ragtag group of people who maybe came out after work and cobbled some signs together.
Dick: But these people look like...they look like the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders.
Dick: Like, they're immaculately...all their shirts match, all their signs match. It's...it's bullshit.
Dick: Like the controversy, the protest, is bullshit.
Dick: They're all paid to be there, to me.
Dick: So I'm havin' a great time, right? (brief pause) Whatever. Um, we get up there. Wink Martindale, as I said, introduces Trump...
Dick: ...and on cue, the protesters come up and start screaming.
Dick: Once we get on the ship, we find out that, uh...a lot of the seats were 1,000 dol-...there was, like, $1,000 seats?
Dick: And $100 seats?
Dick: So I wedge in and force my way up into, like, the…
Maddox: The thousand?
Dick: Yeah. The thousand-dollar seats.
Maddox: Yeeeah!! (grins)
Dick: And I'm, like, straddling this…straddling a bunch of veterans to try to get, like, a good, you know.
Dick: View of Trump. Alright. Um…so Trump comes on. And he does his thing. And I start the Trump chant.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Well, which one?
Dick: You know, just, "Trump! Trump! Trump!"
Maddox: Trump. Trump. Okay.
Dick: I totally started it.
Dick: It was awesome. And people were on board instantly, right?
Dick: So, after…after the speech. He's in and out. He's got a big debate to prepare for. Uh…he's doing his little circle of the dais. My life coach wants to bone outta there right away. He's like, "Alright, I'm done. We gotta go drink."
Dick: We gotta start walking to the bar, because we got about 20 minutes on this buzz. We need to get there in order to drink. Like, just time…good time management.
Dick: Good…good buzz time management.
Sean: I'm starting to see the world as it really is.
Dick: Right! We gotta get outta here.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. (grins)
Dick: We gotta get outta here.
Sean: This is terrible.
Dick: And I'm like, "No, we can push the time. We can risk it. I gotta do something."
Dick: I gotta do something. I gotta…something else is going on here. I gotta fuck with something over here. So I go…I see Trump walking around the stage. I so I plant myself on the opposite side of the stage, like, you know. Like a sumo wrestler.
Dick: Right? 'Cause there's…he is getting MOBBED by reporters.
Dick: Like, just a SICK amount of reporters.
Maddox: I bet not Univision. He had them all escorted outta the premises.
Dick: He threw 'em right off the side!
Sean: I don't think he let Fox News out there, either!
Maddox: Fox, really?! (incredulous)
Sean: No! He's been at WAR with everybody on Fox News!!
Dick: Yeah, yeah. He's not…he's boy…
Sean: From Megyn Kelly to the other guy…
Maddox: Oh, that's true, yeah.
Dick: He's got a boycott on Fox News.
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: So I plant…I plant my feet down there, as he comes around.
Dick: And, sure enough, people are…you know, bouncin' off me, trying to get their nipples in on the action.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)
Dick: No way, buddy, not these nipples. Right?
Maddox: No. So you're, like, fighting these poor veterans, who are there…who, like, genuinely…
Dick: No, they're reporters!
Maddox: Oh, reporters.
Dick: They're all scumbag reporters!!
Dick: Yeah. So Trump crosses in front of me, and he's talking to this woman.
Dick: And I'm like, just biding my time. I have my hat.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)
Dick: My hat. My beautiful, white, Trump hat that just got back from Burning Man. So he's…the second he's done talking to this woman, I go, "Hey, Mr. Trump!" and hit him with my hat. (Maddox laughs) Mr. Trump! Can I get your autograph? And he's like, "Yeah…", he nods. Signs it. Gives it back to me, I said, "Hey. Hey. You better win." (Maddox and Dick crack up) You better win!! And then I…so then, right after that, I get mobbed by reporters.
Dick: The same reporters. Now that they…now they want a story, because I'm the only person that's under, like, 105.
Maddox: Yeah. Right.
Dick: At this event, right? So they're like, "Who the fuck is this guy?"
Dick: Okay. So here's where…
Maddox: (interjects) I saw…I saw this vi…the picture of the event and some of the people there. It looked like…it looked like it was a Cryptkeeper let them in.
Dick: It look…(Sean laughs) It's like the Cryptkeeper's uncle military dad.
Dick: It's like the Cryptkeeper meets…not GI Joe.
Dick: 'Cause they're all, like, old veterans.
Maddox: Yeah. And people show up to this event, and you're like, "Huh. I didn't know people from THAT war were still alive." Like…(laughs) It's like…you know. Civil War era. (Dick laughs) They're wearing their Confederate outfits and shit. Yeah.
Dick: Uh…they're so old…so, I was…I was perched up in the $1000 seats, right?
Dick: Like, right on the edge, adjacent to the $1000 seats.
Dick: And one of the event organizers runs over, and she's, like, on her tiptoes looking around. So I'm like…during Trump's speech. I'm like, "What are you looking for?" She goes, "Oh we have an empty seat. I wanted to get a veteran in it." So I was like, boom, gotcha. And I'm like, now I'm feeling helpful for some reason, today.
Dick: So I turn around and spot a guy who's…he looks…he looks like he was dead, like, but he's obviously a veteran, 'cause he's got, you know, so many medals on him.
Dick: Right? So I'm like, "Hey, you. You get a seat. Up here."
Dick: "You get a seat." Right?
Dick: And he, uh…he shakes his head and points to his oxygen tank.
Dick: Meaning he…I said, "A seat for a veteran. We got a seat for a veteran right up here, get up here."
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Dick: And he points to his oxygen tank and he just, like, shrugs. And he's like "No, don't worry about it."
Dick: So then I hear…I turn back around to say, like, "Nevermind" to that woman…
Dick: And I hear, "I'm a veteran. I'll take that seat." And a guy…maybe a 7-foot tall black guy…
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)
Dick: Who is, like…sounded exactly like Cool Sean.
Maddox: Uh-huh? (grinning)
Dick: Just struts out from the crowd…(Maddox laughs) like a superhero and makes, like, an immediate left. And I was like, "Hmm." Well…
Dick: That kinda backfired.
Dick: But, uh…anyway.
Maddox: Well, if he's a veteran, he should have the seat!!
Dick: No, no, no. I agree. I agree.
Uh, so play the clip!! After I get the hat signed, I'm getting mobbed by these reporters, and here's the interview.
Maddox: Okay. This is from a Fox affiliate. Here's the clip:
Male reporter: "The Trump campaign taking center stage in front of this veteran's group, representing hundreds of thousands of vets who are now
endorsing Trump as he pledges to reform the VA."
Trump: "The Veterans are going to go to private doctors, private hospitals. (crowd cheers)
Dick: That's pretty good.
Trump: "Public hospitals."
Dick: That's pretty…no, keep going. I'm just saying. That's a pretty good plan, right?
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Sounds just like the plan we already have..
Trump: "We're gonna reimburse those doctors and those hospitals."
Dick: You can't go private.
Maddox: You can go to private doctors.
Dick: And get…get it paid for?
Dick: You totally cannot.
Maddox: With your insurance. You can have whatever insurance program you want, Dick. It's just…now that…now you can't get turned away for insurance.
Dick: No, not insurance program, buddy. Veterans cannot…
Maddox: Oh, veterans. Veterans.
Dick: Veterans can't go…veterans are slaves to VFW. They get totally fucked over.
Maddox: Don't…no, they don't. My dad's a veteran. My dad…
Dick: My grandpa's a veteran!!
Maddox: Okay. My dad's a veteran, and he's…he goes to the VA hospital, and he's always gotten great service. He's not getting fucked over.
Dick: I've had the opposite experience. Like, he doesn't…my grandpa doesn't even go anymore, 'cause it's so bad. (stammers) That's another time. Go ahead.
(starts clip again)
Trump: "And you're gonna get the greatest service of any veterans in any country, because you deserve it. " (cheering)
Male reporter: "Trump, in his speech of more than 20 minutes, under the huge, 16-inch guns of the USS Iowa…"
Male reporter: "Again, firing on a familiar campaign theme."
Trump: "We're gonna build a wall…." (crowd cheers) "And Mexico's gonna pay for the wall."
Maddox: Yeah. Sure…
Maddox: We're gonna do this thing and Mexico's gonna foot the bill.
Dick: (laughing) Yeah!!
Maddox: Alright. Yeah.
(clip starts again)
Male reporter: "…Immigration reform, not only talking to this crowd, but it seems, at times, to the crowd of protestors dockside."
Trump: "When a woman who's nine months pregnant walks across the border, has a baby, and you have to take care of that baby for the next 85 years…" (crowd boos)
Maddox: Booo. (laughing)
Dick: I dunno if I booed that.
Maddox: Yeah. Women walking across the…nine months pregnant women are just WALKING it across the desert!
Dick: Maddox, it happens all the time.
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cracks up) (Sean laughs) Oh, that's what…that's exactly what's happening. In Trumpland. (Dick still laughing) Alright.
(clip starts again)
Male reporter: "All this before a standing room-only crowd, some paying as much as $1000 a seat."
Dick: Not me.
Male reporter: "Most getting their first look at candidate Trump."
Male crowdgoer: "I came to see…uh…what all the _____ was about. And, uh…he delivered better than I expected."
Male crowdgoer 2: (Latino accent) "Mr. Trump is the person that America needs the most!"
(Dick cracks up laughing)
(Maddox and Dick laugh)
Maddox: That guy!!! (fake accent) Meeester Trump is, uh…dee person dat America needs de most!! (Dick laughs) Yeah, really? Did you hear what he just said, like, three seconds ago, idiot?
Maddox: That guy sounded…he was….Hispanic.
Dick: Oh, you think that guy's pregnant? (Maddox laughs)
Sean: Ees my check in de mail?
Maddox: Yeah. Meeester Trump is de president. Okay, here we go.
(clip starts again)
Female crowdgoer: "Are fabulous for our country."
Male reporter: "That, as Trump works the crowd, more than leaving his mark here."
Dick: Here we go!!!
Dick on the footage: "He looked me in my eyes, he didn't say anything to me… (Dick cracks up) but he gave me an affirmative nod, like he was confident about his performance tomorrow night. It gave me a sense of pride. (cocky)"
(Dick and Maddox crack up laughing)
Maddox: Awww. (sighs)
Dick: So I had been interviewed by, like, three papers before that?
Dick: And they all wanted to know, "What did Trump tell you?" "What did Trump tell you?" so by the time I got to the news camera, I was like, "Oh baby, this is gonna be so good." Like, every interview I gave, it was a little bit stupider.
Dick: The stuff I would put on.
Dick: So by that one, I was like, "I'm really gonna go for it." But don't fuck around, 'cause then they're not gonna play it.
Maddox: Right. Right, right.
Dick: Right? And this is drunk. So…
Dick: I was gonna say I was working at a handicap, but that probably was in my favor.
Maddox: You seemed…you seemed drunk. Uh…(Dick giggles) We're gonna post this clip on the website. Uh…it's pretty….it's pretty incredible. It's fun to watch, Dick. But it's a performance piece, yeah?
Maddox: Are you…are you actually, like, into Trump? I can't…I can't even tell anymore.
Dick: Oh, well, let's talk about it next episode!!
Maddox: Okay. Alright, guys.
Dick: Let's talk…yeah. Alright. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. Great clip. Great story. We're gonna post it on the website. Alright. This…this episode is getting a little hairy. We should probably call it there.
Maddox: My problem this week was Human Robots.
(closing riff starts)
Dick: My problem was Man Buns.
Maddox: Man Buns. Alright. Don't go bald.
Dick: Here's Asterios' news from the year 3000.
(clip starts, news theme)
Asterios: Services at the Church of Degrasse Tyson were interrupted this morning (Dick laughs) by an unknown man who rushed the altar and screamed that he does not, "Fucking Love Science"! (Maddox laughs) The madman, who claimed science was fine, but shouldn't be used as a status symbol by dumbasses, was quickly annoyed by the weak punches of the Tysonites and exited in a huff. (Maddox chuckles) What a monster.
(news theme continues)
Asterios: The federal government passed a ban on spicy foods today.
Asterios: Delighting citizens from Pussyton (Dick and Maddox crack up) all the way to New Pussyberg. The law was pushed through by bland food activists who were tired of experiencing what they call "the mouth ouchies". (they all laugh) In his statement, Emperor Trump reaffirmed his call…
Maddox: Emperor Trump. (grins)
Asterios: …for all citizens to hunt down the last remaining spicy food holdout, the jetpack-wearing sky pirate known as Armenian Blackbeard.
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, that's me, with the Crown Jewels!! Ahh, I can't wait.
Dick: Alright, last one.
Asterios: And finally, some quick stories off the wire. (Dick laughs) Bestselling video game of the year 3000 is officially "Cut Scene: The Game". (Maddox groans) Congratulations. The seventh division of the Social Justice Warriors launched their biggest ever macroaggression against men who hold doors for women. Ten were killed. Corporate ass-farming is becoming so large… (Dick cracks up) that some family-owned ass farms are going out of business. (they all laugh)Consumers from coast to coast are complaining that Apple's new iAsshole is "way too itchy." (Maddox giggles) Still a bestseller. Hanes has finally answered consumer demand for a pair of men's shorts that's so big, it blots out the sun. (Maddox giggles) And, 2,985 years later…(Dick laughs) Burlesque Dancers is still at 0, at http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
Dick: It's true.
Asterios: Leading to an all-out civil war between people who think Burlesque dancers are just fat strippers with… (Dick cracks up) Gender Studies degrees…(Maddox laughs) who don't actually take their clothes off, and people who are wrong. (they both laugh)
(Sound effect: Clapping) (Dick laughing his head off)
Asterios: Until next time, this is Asterios Kokkinos reminding you that I'm a digital cyberdemon, and I'll never die.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Oh, great.
Maddox: I love that.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: What a great bit!
Dick: What a great bit.
Maddox: Asterios…hailing to us from the future. One minor correction there. They've already made Cut Scene: The Game. It's called Heavy Rain.
Maddox: Yeah. I wish you guys knew at all what I was talking about.
Dick: No, I watched that game. I watched some Let's Play of it.
Maddox: Yeah. There's no let's play. It's just turn it on and watch a movie.
Dick: It's bullshit.
Maddox: Anyway, guys. And I've actually heard that about Metal Gear Solid V, too, that there's an hour-long cut scene that you can't skip before you even start the game. An hour of my life, I've gotta sit and watch a movie before I play a game?!!? FUUUUUUCK YOU!!! Are you kidding me with that shit?
Dick: What else?
(file cuts off)