The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 7

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy, what's up, buddy? YOU have had a banner week!

Maddox: I have!

Dick: Can I bring this up first?

Maddox: Let's do it!

Dick: Your new video, uh, the "Life..." What did you call it? "Life Hacks..."?

Maddox: It's "Things you're doing wrong every day: everything." You're doing EVERYTHING wrong, every day.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it's all about life hacks.

Dick: And if I could summarize real quick, it's basically shitting on life hacks.

Maddox: Right!

Dick: Because they're all stupid and worthless, and I never realized how much I hated them and how much everyone hates them until I watched your video. I love it! I think it's my favorite video of yours that you've ever done.

Maddox: Yeah, thank you! It's actually gone, uh, it's gone really popular. It's...I'm not gonna use the word "viral," 'cause it pisses me off when people do it and I'm not even gonna say it. (irritated)

Dick: I'll say it! It's gone viral.

Maddox: H'okay. (laughing)

Dick: I don't mind.

Maddox: Thank you. Thank you for sayin' that. Um... (both crack up) It has, in less than a week -

Dick: (interjects) Such a weirdo! (through giggles)

Maddox: I just hate it so much. (Dick laughs hysterically) Like, it makes my skin crawl. It makes my DICK shrivel.

Dick: Yeah! (grinning)

Maddox: Augh.

Dick: It''s gross!

Maddox: It's gross.

Dick: It's funny.

Maddox: But the video, in under a week, has gotten over 600,000 views. It's bein' linked everywhere. In fact -

Dick: (interjects) YEAH!! (smiling)

Maddox: So, I was shitting on this website called Foodbeast.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Uh, 'cause they have all these shitty life hacks, and they even tweeted at me (cracking up) and they said, "Hey, we're big fans!" (laughs)

Dick: Yeah! But I feel with you, you're like an insult comic? Like if you shit on something I did, I would be SO happy.

Maddox: Oh, you're gonna be -

Dick: (interjects) That's how you know you've made it!

Maddox: You're gonna be real happy in just a minute, buddy. (giggles)

Dick: Oh, okay. Well... (dismayed) Just wanted to start things off nice, and uh...

Maddox: Thank you! Thank you.

Dick: ...compliment you on the cool video, but go ahead and whatever you were gonna say.

Maddox: Thank you, yeah. And you know what? Let's also mention that, uh -- so I promoted the podcast on the front page for the first time, and even in spite of that the podcast is hugely successful! We have over 52,000 downloads in just over a month.

Dick: Cool!!

Maddox: Which is an insane amount for a newly launched podcast! So, you know, this is great! Keep it up. Keep listening to every episode.

Dick: Thanks for listening!

Maddox: Yeah! So uh, let's look at the board from last time. We had...

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So the first problem, the number one problem from last week, is People Who Can't Eat Spicy Food. CLEANED house. (Dick sighs disappointedly)

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: And you know, I just wanna say one thing about that. I didn't even get to this point last time I wanted to make.

Dick: Here we go. This is like your victory lap. (Maddox laughs) Every week...EVERY week you win, and every *effing* week you take a victory lap and shove it down -- what else?! What MORE reasons do you have to be in first place?

Maddox: No, I didn't even get to this last time. I just wanted to say that other people's inability, or unwillingness...let's say unwillingness -

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: - to eat spicy food affects me, because then it causes restaurants to dumb down their spiciness. So if you order 'spicy,' they think, "Oh, this is a pussy who can't handle it, just like every other customer." So they -

Dick: (interjects) So they give you mild.

Maddox: Yeah, they give you mild!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So I can't get real spicy food because of these idiots.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So, anyway, I wanted to add that. So after that is Non-Apologies, and then Condoms -

Dick: (interjects) Non-Apologies?!?

Maddox: Yeah, Non-Apologies! Huge problem!

Dick: You know... (exhales frustratedly) (Maddox smirks) I gotta...I gotta pay you another compliment, which I hate to do, especially this early, but your problems REALLY pissed me off last week.

Maddox: Yeah! You -

Dick: I don't know why.

Maddox: - you mentioned that! (amused)

Dick: I went home, and I -- when we started this podcast I was like, "Okay, just don't...I'm never gonna let these dumb problems get to me." But after the last episode I went home, I fumed about it, I was thinkin' about it all night...I don't know why. I don't know what about that non-apology thing pissed me off, but it really does. It STILL does.

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, well -

Dick: (interjects) There's something...there's something you think about it that everyone does, and it -- then it pisses me off. And I don't know what it is.

Maddox: Well, we have some comments, actually, about your perspective on non-apologies.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Uh, so this is from David Razi. So, he quoted you -- you said in the last episode, "Sorry is a magic word that you use to make people stop talking." And he said, "These are the words of a sociopath." (smirks)

Dick: What is he, like, a psychologist?

Maddox: I don't...I mean, he looks like he might be a psychologist. He's wearing a tie. Uh, and then (cracks up) from -

Dick: (interjects) I doubt it. (Maddox chuckles) I doubt that he knows whether or not I'm a sociopath. I HAVE emotions.

Maddox: Yeah, too many! Too many, I would say.

Dick: I am experiencing rage right now. (Maddox laughs heartily) And then sometimes I experience a distinct lack of rage.

Maddox: Yeah...those are two emotions.

Dick: Those are two very clear emotions.

Maddox: Well, he's got ya there, David. What do you have to say about that?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, and then this one's from Menso Posthumus Mey-...Meyjes. I don't even know how to pronounce this. Uh, he says, "I think Dick wins this round..."

Dick: YES!!

Maddox: "...just for this gem of a line: 'What does sincerity have to do with it?' As there is just undeniable proof that he doesn't get the first thing about the point of apologizing." (both break down laughing)

Dick: Look! I really think I'm right on this stupid apology thing, and that's what upsets me so much! (gritting his teeth)

Maddox: Everyone disagrees. So, uh...

Dick: Hey, I got comments too.

Maddox: You got some comments. Yeah, let's hear 'em.

Dick: Okay, this is from @JtheSpartan on Twitter. Uh, "@dickmasterson Loving the show. You're bringing the balls to it every week. Maddox must have stuffed his in his ass." (Maddox snorts and laughs) Wait, he continues: "To each their own." (both burst out laughing) Take THAT!

Maddox: Thank you -- what was his name?

Dick: Uh, JtheSpartan.

Maddox: JtheSpartan. JtheSpartan, I want you to eat a dick. (Dick guffaws)

Dick: Nah. So, uh...I may not have won the votes, but I guess I'm bringing the balls to the podcast, man. What can I say? (breaking into a smile)

Maddox: "Bringing the balls," please. (disdainful)

Dick: Uh, I got another one too. I think this guy's, this guy's also shitting on you. Uh, Matt...Matt Tamasi, or something. I didn't write his last name down.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, "Maddox, if you hate monkeys so much..." Which was one of your problems.

Maddox: Hate monkeys.

Dick: "...why did you choose one to co-host your show?"

Maddox: Ohohoho!

Dick: So, he's got you there!

Maddox: Whooooa! (sarcastic)

Dick: 'If you hate monkeys so much, why do you...?' He's -- I think that's on my side.

Maddox: Uhh, I think he's...he's aping on you. I think that's what... (laughs)

Dick: Whoooa. Boo.

Maddox: (monkeys whooping sound effect) (laughs harder)

Dick: Boo.

Maddox: Yeah, not a fan of monkeys. Um, I got an email from somebody; I'm not sure if he CC'ed you on this or not, but this is from Miguel and he says he's a sex worker.

Dick: Ohh! (intrigued)

Maddox: Um...yeah, I mean, not a... (cracks up) Not a sex worker. Um, he works in the, you know, sexual -

Dick: (interjects) Sex industry?

Maddox: Sex -- I guess.

Dick: What do you mean? What does he do?

Maddox: He says... (laughs) Okay, I *totally*...I totally misrepresented him.

Dick: Is he a phone sex operator? (chuckling)

Maddox: No. He says, "As a worker in the health sector..." (laughs more) So I took -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, so he could be, like, a doctor or a nurse.

Maddox: He's probably a doctor or a nurse, yeah.

Dick: And you're presenting him like a prostitute. (amused)

Maddox: As a prostitute. (laughing)

Dick: Like a male prostitute.

Maddox: So, this hooker emails me.

Dick: Okay. (grinning)

Maddox: And says that... (breaks down laughing again)

Dick: 'And here's his name.' (teasing)

Maddox: Here's his name: Miguel. (Dick laughs) And he says, "As a worker in the health sector, I have something to say about not wearing condoms to Dick Masterson."

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: [email continues] "Since he likes brief emails, I'll write a short response - "

Dick: (interjects) Already too long. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: He says, "I'll write a short response and a long response. The short response is: Shut the fuck up, Dick Masterson. And the - " (cracks up)

Dick: (interjects) Why?! What did I DO?

Maddox: Well, that's in the long response. He gets into it. It's actually *really* long, and I -- like, this is even long -

Dick: (interjects) Is it pro-condoms?

Maddox: Yeah, it's pro-condoms.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: But he essentially -- this, I wanna read this first sentence, 'cause I've been thinking about it a lot.

Dick: Okay. (wearily)

Maddox: This actually makes sense. "Being healthy is not a black-and-white thing; it's within a spectrum. You can do things that will increase or decrease your chances of being healthy, so you can reasonably be assured that they'll make you healthy. For example, the only thing that would absolutely assure that nobody got lung cancer was if you had no lungs." Right? But since that's -

Dick: (interjects) I guess...yeah, okay.

Maddox: Right! But since that's ridiculous, then what you can do is, like, improve your odds of not getting lung cancer. So. Uh, I think that's what -- that's the case he's making about condoms.

Dick: Yeah, I read a comment where a guy said it's, uh, what did he call me...I wrote it down. Um, lemme find it...

Maddox: A sociopath?

Dick: No no no, it wasn't the sociopath one or the monkey one -- oh yeah, here we go. Justin from New Jersey says, "Suggesting people not use condoms is irresponsible and stupid." (Maddox snickers) Like, you know, I... (stammers) I just wanna say, everybody already hates them!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It doesn't matter! I'm not -- I'm just saying it's a big problem.

Maddox: You know, we didn't even mention pregnancy? So, there's that. (both laugh)

Dick: Yeah...

Maddox: Well, let's move on. (laughs more)

Dick: I'm just sayin' it's another base!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you got the bases, right?

Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah.

Dick: You're comin''re makin' a home run, man! You're sliding into the plate...

Maddox: Yep.

Dick:'re scoring; the catcher drops the ball, and then the umpire goes, "You're out! You gotta wear a condom!" So NOW, now the bases are...when you're scoring, you gotta stand up and argue with the umpire!

Maddox: Mmm.

Dick: For ten minutes. (Maddox inhales thoughtfully) And pretend like you're not arguing with the umpire about whether or not you have to wear a condom. Do you see what I'm saying?

Maddox: Crystal clear. (sarcastic)

Dick: Do you really see what I'm saying??

Maddox: Absolutely not. (laughs)

Dick: Sean, do you...? Sean, the audio engineer -- thank you for all your hard work -- do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand what I'm saying, that a condom is like adding an extra base after home base? Or between third and home?

Sean: I do, but I think I picked the wrong time to tune out. (Maddox bursts out laughing) (Dick sighs exasperatedly)

Dick: Alright, I'm done talking. (frustrated)

Maddox: Let's get to the problems.

Dick: I'm done talking.

Maddox: Let's get to the problems. Alright, what do you got this week?

Dick: My first problem is armchair psychologists.

Maddox: Ohoooh! Wow, very apropos!

Dick: Yeah! Because that guy -- and that guy, David, is the one who set me off on this. "'Sorry is a magic word you say to make people stop talking.' These are the words of a sociopath."

Maddox: Is that REALLY the problem you brought in today?

Dick: Yeah! That's really the problem I brought in today!

Maddox: Oh, that's amazing!!

Dick: Because I got SO pissed off last week from your problems that I decided, "Fuck it, I'm already pissed off. I'm gonna read the comments."

Maddox: Great! (smiling)

Dick: And I found that one and I was like, "Wha...??" (spluttering) This is what, this is what everyone does now.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you say ONE thing say one, like, honest thing...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...and you're a 'sociopath.' (scathingly)

Maddox: Well...

Dick: Like, it's like everybody's living in an episode of Dexter now. They're running into sociopaths and psychopaths ALL DAY, when in reality they're just ASSHOLES. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Who's assholes, the people...?

Dick: *I'm* an, I'M -

Maddox: You're just an asshole.

Dick: - in this case, I'm just an asshole.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, I'm not a sociopath with a misconfigured brain who can't function in society! I just -

Maddox: (interjects) Well, sociopaths are usually highly functional. Right? Like, the...

Dick: I don't know!!

Maddox: ...the highly functional sociopaths?

Dick: I'm not a psychologist! (cracks up) (Maddox laughs) I'm not an armchair psychologist.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: That's my point.

Maddox: Well, that's fair. Uh...okay, but to play devil's advocate here, I don't think -

Dick: (interjects) Ohoho, okay! (Maddox chuckles) Go.

Maddox: I mean, you *might* be. (teasing) No, but that's, what I wanna say is,, he probably wasn't seriously -- this isn't an actual diagnosis. He's not actually saying, "You're a socio-..." He's saying it as an insult, like as a 'fuck you.'

Dick: Oh, that's the new version of "asshole"?

Maddox: Yeah, that's a new -

Dick: (interjects) Is calling someone a sociopath?

Maddox: Right. To give them an armchair analysis, I think.

Dick: You see.....I think that you mean what you're saying, and it's probably true in some cases.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But I think...I think the majority of people actually think that they're armchair psychologists. Like, I think it gives them some sick power to sit on their high horse and assign these, like, quasi-medical designations to people that piss them off. Like calling them, like, "Oh, she's just co-dependent," or "Oh, she's SUCH a narcissist," or "Oh, this guy's a psychopath!" (mocking) Like, "THAT'S why he got so pissed off when I dented his car door at Fatburger, 'cause he's a PSYCHOPATH." (Maddox chuckles) Like, "It was a TRIGGER." It's not just, like, "No, I'm pissed off 'cause you weren't paying attention and you dinged my car!"

Maddox: At Fatburger. (wryly)

Dick: At Fatburger! (cracking up)

Maddox: What an asshole.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah, you know what though? But, here's the thing: you can't, with any accuracy, diagnose somebody without being a psychiatrist. Like, without ANY expertise -

Dick: (interjects) Even then!

Maddox: Even then! Exactly.

Dick: Even then.

Maddox: So that's my point. That's actually -- you're makin' my point for me, is even psychiatrists sometimes get it wrong. But they just look for a series of signs, a series of symptoms, and then based on that they contextualize it and say, "Well, you MAY...there's a probability that you may have this thing." Why can't normal people -- just to play devil's advocate -- why can't people normally, from day to day, make those analyses and make those assumptions?

Dick: 'Cause it's annoying. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: So, your problem is...well, okay! You know what? I can't argue with that! It is annoying. It bugs me.

Dick: It is!

Maddox: Yeah. And I mean -

Dick: (interjects) It's like their way of shutting down the conversation.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, um...

Maddox: It's dismissive!


Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's why -- and it's dismissive, and it seems like they''s like a brainy way to dismiss somebody.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, why don't you just say "Shove it up your ass"?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, okay, at least you're being honest.

Maddox: "Hey, shove it up your ass!" (wise guy voice) (laughs) Uh, yeah, it is dismissive. It's a pretty big 'fuck you.' It's like in Dave Chappelle's Block Party...uh, did you...I don't know if you ever saw that movie, but he says in that movie that the most, the WORST thing you can ever say to somebody -- worse than "I hate you" -- is "You're crazy." Because that is the most dismissive thing. That's like, you're not even going to consider their thoughts because you have dismissed them as somebody who's COMPLETELY irrational.

Dick: Right. Yeah, I think that's true.

Maddox: Yeah. And essentially, that's what calling somebody "crazy" is; you're making a psychoanalysis about their mental state and deciding that... (cracks up) ...that none of their -- nothing they're saying makes sense, and they're not worth listening to.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, that's what annoys you about it.

Dick: Um.....I don't know what annoys me about it, actually.

Maddox: Hm.

Dick: It annoys me because I, this guy in particular: "Oh, you're a sociopath." Every time I hear somebody say "Oh, he's such a narcissist" or "sociopath," it's like, "Well, THEN what? What do, just, you're writing off the ENTIRE communication? It's just, it fits into this neat little box, and that's it? You don't have to think about it anymore?"

Maddox: Yeah, but you can call somebody an asshole and then mean it in that instance, but not also dismiss their entire BEING. Like, you might do something that's narcissistic, and someone might say, "Oh, he's a narcissist," but they don't necessarily mean that *everything* you do is narcissistic.

Dick: Uh, yeah, I feel like they do, though.

Maddox: Yeah. (unsure)

Dick: Well, it really pisses me off 'cause I think it permeates, like, every part of -- I think it's uh, I think it's a prevalent problem, or 'the biggest problem in the universe'...(jokingly provocative) (Maddox laughs) ...because it's like, it's like SATURATED the way people interact now. Like, um...oh god. The last girl I dated would, like, look for 'triggers'?

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Like when she pissed me off, she would call them "triggers."

Maddox: Ohh, I HATE that WORD!! (groaning) I -- that's gonna be one of my problems one time!

Dick: You see??

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But you see what I'm saying? You see why it's so upsetting?

Maddox: Yeah...

Dick: And I can't put my finger on exactly why. But it's like she's sitting there and she's pretending to be a psychologist, and I'm like, "No, I'm pissed off because you just, you PUT the McDonald's -- the medium McDonald's Coke -- on my table, and everybody knows that medium McDonald's cups bleed through!" (Maddox chuckles) "And get RINGS all -- first of all, you're not drinking all the diet soda." (annoyed)

Maddox: That's very specific, by the way. Why medium? Is it only the mediums? The large -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah yeah yeah, 'cause the larges don't leak! Right? [to Sean] Yeah, yeah.

Maddox: Sean's nodding.

Dick: Sean knows what I'm talking about!

Maddox: The hell are...? (puzzled)

Dick: Everybody who regularly drinks McDonald's soda knows what I'm talking about! The mediums leak like a sieve, and everything else doesn't. 'Cause the medium has, like, that waxy...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...that waxy cup.

Maddox: I dunno, I guess I thought they all were -- just stop goin' to McDonald's, first of all. There's your problem.

Dick: No, McDonald's has the best Diet Coke on earth. (Maddox scoffs)

Maddox: What are you TALKING about?! (laughing) It's fucking...syrup! They mix it, it's pre-regulated -

Dick: (interjects) The way they mix it, first of all -

Maddox: (interjects) Even Sean's agreeing? What -- what, Sean?

Dick: No! They have the best...they have the best mix on earth because they mix it with *love.*

Maddox: Oh my GOSH, get OUTTA here!!

Sean: I don't know why, but I believe that, and I hear that from so many different people.

Dick: Yeah!

Sean: They say, "McDonald's has the best Coke," or Diet Coke. It just must be must be the mix!

Dick: It's the way they mix it. ABSOLUTELY.

Sean: The way they mix the carbonated water with the syrup. I know, it should in theory taste the same everywhere, right?

Maddox: Do you think it's -

Dick: (interjects) You don't think so?? [to Maddox]

Sean: As long as they mix it right? But it doesn't, it tastes different!

Maddox: Do you think it's some kind of potential selection bias because everybody's saying that? And also that you're eating greasy fucking food and it's coating your throat with grease, so it might -

Dick: (interjects) NO. No.

Sean: No, because I don't eat McDonald's.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: So what do you, just go there and get their sodas? (incredulous)

Dick: I do.

Sean: I have, if I'm in the area and I'm like, "I'm thirsty"!

Maddox: Get outta here, Sean!! (exasperated) You just walk into a fuckin' grocery store, or -- a gas station's infinitely faster than a McDonald's!

Dick: No, I will -

Sean: What if I'm right there??

Dick: I will do a taste test for you, and I will pick out the McDonald's Diet Coke.

Maddox: Oh, YOU'RE ON!

Dick: Yeah! Bring' em in!

Maddox: Next week, we're havin' a McDonald's...

Dick: Bring 'em in!

Maddox: (cracks up) ...Diet Coke taste test.

Dick: Test-OFF.

Maddox: Yeah, a test-off!

Dick: I will bet! Figure out what you wanna bet -- what you want me to bet on that.

Maddox: 25 dollars, that's my standard bet.

Dick: Naw, put something funny on it. (Maddox snickers) Put something funny on it. (smiling)

Maddox: Okay! You shave -

Dick: (interjects) Think about it! Think about it.

Maddox: Yeah. It's, there's gotta be some kinda shaving involved. (mischievously)

Dick: What were you gonna say, shave my pubes?

Maddox: Shave your -- nooo, gross.

Dick: Are you -

Maddox: (interjects) 'Cause I will NOT check. (Dick laughs) That's a...that's a trick! 'Cause you're just gonna flash your dick at me.

Dick: Yeah. (amused) Um...

Maddox: Like usual.

Dick: Yeah, but she didn't -- she put the McDonald's cup on...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...and I'm like, "It's not a 'trigger.' This is not a 'trigger,' it's YOU being careless. Okay?"

Maddox: That's careless, yeah! I agree.

Dick: "This...psychology doesn't need to enter this. It's - " There's too much psychology!! (suddenly yelling)

Maddox: Well, how did you respond to her? Did you snap at her?

Dick: No! I just said, "WHAT THE EFF IS THE MATTER WITH YOU?!? WHY WOULD YOU PUT...?!" (screaming) (both burst out laughing)

Maddox: Very calm, uh, rational response.

Dick: No, I'm pretty sure I said, "Uh, hey..." Um, I try to let them volunteer the information?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know, I like to treat women like I'm their parent.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I'm like, "Uh, hey, I know that - "

Maddox: (laughing) Very... (Dick laughs) First of all, women LOVE that. Not condescending at all. (grinning)

Dick: Well, I don't tell them that. (cracking up)

Maddox: Oh, of course!

Dick: But, like, I'm looking at what I -- how I do it, and how I treat them.

Maddox: Sure. (sardonic)

Dick: And I'm like, "Hey, uh, I noticed that there' *appears,* it appears that..." (Maddox sighs knowingly)

Maddox: That's the worst. (under his breath)

Dick: "...some CUP has leaked onto the table. Do you know anything about that." (snidely) "Darling." (both laugh)

Maddox: Dick, if you said that to me, I'd be SO pissed, 'cause I know exactly what you're doin'! And say, just fuckin' spit it -- and you're doing the exact same thing (Dick giggles hysterically) that YOU hate when I do it to you! Like, you know, if I send you an email like, "Hey - "

Dick: (interjects) I don't do it to you!

Maddox: No, *I* do it to you, and you hate it.

Dick: And I hate it, yeah. (amused)

Maddox: But you do it to chicks, and -

Dick: (interjects) I do it to chicks!

Maddox: Huh...? You did it to your ex! With the soda.

Dick: No I do, I DO do it to chicks, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, why? That's terr-- that's...

Dick: I'm agreeing with you!

Maddox: Oh, okay. So you're agreeing that you're being a DICK.

Dick: Hey, look...I mean, that's my coping mechanism. That's how I've learned to deal with women. I don't know what to tell you.

Maddox: Ohh, listen to this bullshit! "Coping mechanism," that's a psychological -

Dick: (interjects) OH MY GOD, I'M DOIN' IT!! (hysterically) Yeah!!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: See?! It's a big problem, dude!

Maddox: Yeah, it... (cracks up) I guess, in your universe! 'Cause you -- you're part of it! You're part of that problem! (chuckling)

Dick: I'm not saying I'm not guilty of this.

Maddox: So, what are the ramifications here? What are the repercussions of people...?

Dick: The repercussions are, er, why this is the biggest problem is nobody's talkin' the same language anymore. We're just throwin' out psychology terms that WE think mean something, but no one's a psychologist, so no one one has any idea what they actually mean! (flustered)

Maddox: Well, some people are psychologists. (chuckling) I mean, I'm sure there are *some* psychologists out there. At least one.

Dick: Yes, 93,000. (Maddox groans loudly and laughs) I looked it up, 'cause you always bitch at me for not having stats. (grinning)

Maddox: (sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.") (laughs more)

Dick: Yeah! That's the problem. No one's speaking the same language, and we're not resolving anything. It's like everybody's in, like, a big corporation.

Maddox: Mhm. (amused)

Dick: Like, we're all answering to HR by using these stupid psychology terms, and I hate it.

Maddox: Yeah, well... (pauses) Okay!

Dick: Well, you know what? You know what, actually? Let me tell you, actually, a real problem with it. You know how every time there's, um...there's like, a big school shooting?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And everybody's like -- yeah, this is gonna get -

Maddox: This is gonna get... (laughing)

Dick: - this is gonna get dark really quickly.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Uh, and everyone's like, "Oh, you know, it's...they had a mental illness! Like, they're clearly some kind of a psychopath," or something.

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: It's like, "Well, you know, maybe not!" Like -

Maddox: (interjects) NO!

Dick: Maybe -- "no"?! -- maybe something's wrong with them that could be looked at and addressed! Like, they're not -- making them a monster doesn't help work out this problem. I really think that.

Maddox: Okay, Dick. I actually made that case on my Facebook page a while back. I said that one hundred percent of mass shootings -- of random mass shootings, like at schools and malls and things like that -- are by people who have a mental illness. And the ONLY thing you need... (Dick sighs skeptically) ...the ONLY evidence you need is that they committed a mass shooting! Because that in itself is...should speak to some kind of mental disorder. Rational people don't do that!

Dick: (talking over Maddox) But then you're just saying, "Problem solved!" That's like, "Welp, there you go! I've identified - " That's like Captain Hindsight in South Park. Then you're just saying, "Problem solved. Welp, he was a...he was a psychopath!"

Maddox: No, problem isn't solved! The problem solve that problem, you have to give greater awareness to mental health issues. And, you know, some of these different websites -- like, fuckin' Upworthy's the *worst.* They try to say, "Well, they're all men, " or "They're all WHITE men." They love to just throw "white" in there.

Dick: Ohh!

Maddox: Yeah, they make it a race thing every time. And then some other people say, "Oh, well, they were all taking prescription drugs," or whatever. But the only common thread, really, is that these people all had mental illness! A diagnosed -- like, every single time, EVERY single time a shooting happens, I just scan the headlines and I scan the articles for "he was seeing a psychiatrist," "he was seeing a therapist," or "he was on some medication..."

Dick: Yeah, but lots of people do that stuff and DON'T shoot up schools!

Maddox: Yeah! I'm not saying *all* people with mental illness...shoot people.

Dick: I think that's what the headlines are saying when they do that!

Maddox: No, they're -- but they're not, they're not doing that. They're saying it's 'guns, guns, guns.' (Dick inhales thoughtfully) They're blaming guns every single time.

Dick: Well, I'm blaming armchair psychologists. (Maddox cracks up) That's my problem.

Maddox: For...for mass school shootings. (laughing)

Dick: No, no, no. I don't wanna say that.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: 'Cause it's not funny enough. (Maddox laughs more)

Maddox: "Funny ENOUGH." (through giggles)

Dick: Uh, go ahead.

Maddox: Alright. My problem. My first problem this week is.....shy people.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Shy people!

Maddox: Shy people.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I want to add to that: introverts. I -

Dick: (interjects) Shy guys! (smiling)

Maddox: Shy guys... (cracking up) I wanna add introverts to that too, because -- so, at first I was under the impression that shyness and introversion were the same thing. Do you know there's a difference between a shy person and an introvert?

Dick: No, 'cause I'm not a psychologist. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Great. Well, I read it. You can READ things. Psychologists learn from books, so I read it, and I LEARNED it.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So...

Dick: What's the difference? (amused)

Maddox: The difference is, uh, an introvert actually likes to be alone and likes to be by him or herself, whereas a shy person doesn't necessarily want to be alone; they just are afraid to have social interactions.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So, I guess that makes sense. But let me tell you -

Dick: (interjects) What's wrong with shy people?? I feel like they suffer enough! They're tryin' to put it out there...

Maddox: No, they're not!

Dick: ...they can't, they get all "Hlllllgh!" They get all tied up, and they...just screw it up!! (tensed up voice) (both laugh) "BLAAAAGH!"

Maddox: No, that's the problem! So, so I -

Dick: (interjects) Have you ever been shy?

Maddox: YES! That's what I'm getting at! I used to be really shy! I used to be really closed off, and uh, afraid of talking to people, afraid of -- the first time I ever had to give any kind of, like, public speech or anything like that was when I did my first book signing event in Salt Lake City, Utah. And that was *terrifying* for me. I had... (cracks up) I had NEVER done anything like that before.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: Uh, so I stood up in this room full of like, 70, 100 people, whatever, and I had to give this speech.

Dick: (interjects) Can I ask you something first?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Did much preparation did you put into this speech? 'Cause YOU prepare a lot.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I know you as a preparer.

Maddox: Yeah, I did. I did. Probably about 2-3 hours, at LEAST. At least 2-3 hours of preparation, and then...uh, you know, trying to remember all of the things I was gonna say and everything like that. So.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I was nervous! If -

Dick: (interjects) What was the turnout? And this was, this was when? This was when your first book came out?

Maddox: My first book came out, yeah, The Alphabet of Manliness. That was in 2006. The turnout -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, man! I remember, that was so exciting.

Maddox: Yeah! It was...

Dick: When you got like -- 'cause I didn't know you at that time. Like, I only knew you as a fan.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, and when you, when you got that book deal it was FELT like a turning point. Like for some reason, I dunno why, it was like, "Yeah!! This guy got...!" (excited) Like, now that I know about books?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like, I don't...everybody kind of reveres books, and it was like, "This guy's finally made it."

Maddox: Made it. Yeah.

Dick: "Maddox is finally gonna stick it to somebody."

Maddox: Yeah, that's cool, thank you!

Dick: Yeah, it was! It really was.

Maddox: Yeah. So, the turnout was pretty good! It was, uh...I didn't know what to expect, but there were about 70 or 100 people, I think. I remember. And it was WAY more than I expected. I expected maybe like, you know, 10 people, and most of them bein' my family members. But, uh... (Dick laughs loudly) (Maddox cracks up) It was a great turnout, and I was SO nervous, but uh...

Dick: Did your family come?

Maddox: ...I overcame it. Yeah! They did, and they kinda, like, stood off in the back. They KNEW not to come over and like, talk to me or anything -

Dick: Oh, wow!!

Maddox: - 'cause they were like, "Ohh, no, no. We're not gonna embarrass him." (amused) Uh, but -

Dick: (interjects) Oh, that's...nice of them!

Maddox: Yeah. So, that was the first -- and the first time I went on book tour, the ENTIRE time -

Dick: (interjects) Well, wait a minute. What happened...I wanna hear about the first book signing thing.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I really wanna hear more about it! Like, what was...? Because your fans bring, like...they want you to kick them in the face?

Maddox: Right. (chuckling)

Dick: And like, write obscene stuff on your book and other people's books?

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah.

Dick: Was that a surprise? Did you think that would happen?

Maddox: Ohh, it was absolutely insane. Like, it was insane! Every single book signing I had, something weird happened. First of all, I had all these rules on The Alphabet of Manliness website, like "If you come to my book signing, you have to have proper attire; you have to dress in a suit. Don't look me in the eyes." (Dick sighs in amazement) Uh, "Keep at all times a 1 1/2 to 3-foot distance from me..."

Dick: Crazy!

Maddox:, you know, and "Bow before you leave, and bow before you enter." And SO many people did that! (cracking up) And people were, like, on the ground groveling, and people were asking me to draw dicks on them, and know, sign their breasts, and slap their asses, and like all sorts -

Dick: (interjects) Men AND women probably wanted you to sign their breasts.

Maddox: Yeah...come on, guys. Get your shit together. (under his breath)

Dick: No, I love it! I love those rules of yours.

Maddox: So anyway, I went on this -- the first time I went on this book signing tour, I was absolutely shy and a wreck.

Dick: M'kay.

Maddox: And every time I went to any signing, I insisted on being there an hour early so I could prepare!

Dick: So you could pace and sweat...

Maddox: Yeah, pace and sweat.

Dick: ...and, like, change your clothes. (teasing)

Maddox: Mmhm. Exactly. Um...the SECOND time I went on book signings, something happened; I took some improv classes, actually, because I wanted to get out of my shell a little bit.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And the best way to do that is to be able to stand in front of a room full of strangers and have nothing to say. And that...nothin' will force you out of your head faster than being able to do that. So, uh, that changed everything. So I put -- so the message is, I put *work* into it. 'Kay?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: This is what pisses me off about -

Dick: (interjects) But you're shy, NOT introverted.

Maddox: That was -

Dick: (interjects) That's what you'd say. 'Cause you like people. I know you like going out there and, you know, being among people.

Maddox: Well, I do NOW, but at the time I would say I was also introverted.

Dick: Oh, boy.

Maddox: I was fine staying home and playing video games! I was shy AND introverted. You can be both.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So, that was -- and then that changed, I forced myself to change. Like, I *wanted* to change. Because I know it's a problem, and here's why: so, there's this web comic that went viral a while back -- and I HATE that word!! (growling) But it went viral a while back. It's called "Dr. Carmella's Guide to Understanding the Introverted." [ ] Have you seen this?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Okay. So it's this web comic where there's this guy in a hamster ball, and he says, "This is what it feels like to be an introvert."

Dick: Oh, god. Yeah, I don't read that shit.

Maddox: Yeah. (wearily)

Dick: Like, when I see...if it starts like that? 'CLOSE.'

Maddox: Yep. Well, I gotta, I gotta check it out., it says -

Dick: (interjects) You like upsetting yourself. (Maddox sighs) Like, you really...something will read it even if you know it's gonna upset you.

Maddox: Yeah. You gotta know what's out there.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I mean, what I do is social criticism, so I have to know what's popular. And my rule is this: I ignore it three times, and if I see it again then I have to read it, 'cause it's popular.

Dick: Okay. (amused)

Maddox: Um, so it says, "What is introversion? Introverted people live in a human-sized hamster ball." And then in parentheses, "(Not really, but you know what I mean)." No, I DON'T know what you mean. The fuck are you talking about? So, he says, "The major trait of a true introvert [...] is how they gain their energy."

Dick: What?

Maddox: Yeah!! Exactly! "How they gain their energy," how does that make you feel?

Dick: Confused?

Maddox: Exactly. What the fuck are they talkin' about, "how they gain their..."? [continues quoting comic] "Extroverted people gather their energy from their surroundings." Bullshit. (buzzer sound effect) "They absorb the 'good vibes' of the people around them and thus need a LOT of social interaction." Is that how you get energy, uh, Dick?

Dick: No, I get energy -- like honestly, I get energy through, uh, liquor.

Maddox: Food, liquor...calories.

Dick: Yeah, but like, I feel like after a couple drinks I really loosen up, know, I'm ready to go.

Maddox: M'kay, but you're not gaining literal energy. That's bullshit. That's a bullshit term, what are you talkin' about?

Dick: No, no -- from *people*? Like, what, just enjoying... (sighs hesitantly) ...being...? I don't know! This whole thing sounds like -

Maddox: Okay, let me continue. Let me continue.

Dick: - it's just, like, geared for weirdos to spread.

Maddox: No, it's -

Dick: (interjects) Like, it just sounds like it was written specifically to dupe dummies into spreading on their Facebook accounts. Right?

Maddox: No, 'cause INTROVERTS send this -- they post this. So it says, "Introverted people make their own energy and, rather than taking it from others, GIVE it on social contact. This means that they naturally find most interaction exhausting and need time to recharge." (cynical tone) Aww. Wahhh.

Dick: Yeah, and nail yourself to your cross. That's...

Maddox: Jesus. (disdainful) Oh, you need time to re-...?

Dick:'s not a hamster ball.

Maddox: It's ex-- I'm sorry it's so exhausting to TALK to me, dickhead! I'm sorry I'm EXHAUSTING you, you fuck. Like you're doing me a favor by listening to me?? Get lost! Get the hell outta here.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What are you, doin''re *deigning* to talk to me? I got shit to do! I got other people to see, I don't NEED to be spending -- MY time I'm spending on YOU is charity. Alright?

Dick: Yeah! (playing along)

Maddox: I'm doing YOU a favor.

Dick: This is a tax write-off!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah. I got stuff -

Maddox: (interjects) This is a social tax write-off!

Dick: I got stuff to do! All these great stories I'm tellin' you??

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: For FREE?

Maddox: Right!

Dick: I'm doin' all the work here!

Maddox: I'm doin' the heavy lifting, fuckface! (angrily) Why don't YOU do somethin'? Why don't you say something??

Dick: Why don't you listen a little...why don't you smile a little bigger?!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: You know? Gimme a laugh every now and then!

Maddox: Yeah! Why don't you look less bored?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: 'Cause everyone else likes this story! YOU'RE the dickhead! (chuckling derisively)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Jesus! And he says, "Because this energy is a limited resource, they tend to see extroverts as obnoxious predators out to steal their sweet, sweet, energy juices." (heavily mocking)

Dick: Ew. (giggles)

Maddox: The fuck...?! (cracking up) We're...we're having small talk in a fucking bar, we're not milking your udders, your prostate, you asshole!

Dick: Ohh. Oh! (grossed out)

Maddox: Jesus! And so then it has these rules, and this is -- it's ALWAYS endemic -

Dick: (interjects) Wait, what is...what was your juice? What kind of juice?

Maddox: Uh, "sweet, sweet energy juices."

Dick: Energy juice? (amused)

Maddox: Yeah. (snidely)

Dick: Ehh...

Maddox: What is that?

Dick: That's gross, man!

Maddox: It's SUPER gross! So then he says, "Here's how to interact with an introverted person: Just because someone is introverted doesn't mean they don't like company." Great. "Interaction is just expensive and they don't want to spend it on something annoying (read: wasteful)." Oh, I'm sorry that you're WASTING energy on me, asshole!

Dick: Is it the day really that long for them?

Maddox: Oh, they must have -

Dick: (interjects) Like, they can't sit around and have a conversation with somebody without...

Maddox: Yeah! They must have exhausting lives! (sarcastic)

Dick: ...their energon?

Maddox: And by the way, EVERY single time it shows a picture of someone introverted, it shows them reading a book. (Dick laughs loudly) Because that's what makes them happy, right?? They're just fucking intellects, moving society forward! (derisively)

Dick: Yeah. (grinning)

Maddox: And moving forward literacy, because they're sitting home READING! They're reading their *tomes* of literature!

Dick: Ohh, they've got so much to think about! (jeering)

Maddox: Yeah! Ohh!

Dick: It's like the weight of the world is pushing on them! They can't make one little screwup, or else... (jokingly anxious voice)

Maddox: Oh, they have such limited energy, they can't spend a single atom of energy on you! On your conversation! They're busy, uh, thinkin' about PHILOSOPHY.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right? These assholes. (Dick laughs) So, it says "Just because someone is introverted doesn't mean they don't like company." Great. So, "What you do: Say hello, be polite and relaxed..."

Dick: What?! (laughs hysterically)

Maddox: And then, "Show..." (cracks up) "Show - "

Dick: (interjects) That's -- "Say hello"?!?

Maddox: Yeah! And -

Dick: (interjects) Who is this...who is this guide written for??

Maddox: Introverts! Er, no, this is written -

Dick: (interjects) People DEALING with introverts.

Maddox: Well, yeah, and it's -

Dick: (interjects) So it starts out by saying introverts are great, and this is how YOU, as an inconsiderate jerk who's wasting their energy juice...

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...should treat them.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: By saying "hello"!

Maddox: Yeah, listen up, jerkoff! Here's how you should 'treat' introverts [continues quoting comic]: "Say hello, be polite and relaxed," and then this is the part that pisses me off the most, "show that you recognize and approve of their presence."

Dick: What??

Maddox: Yeah! Why should I SHOW -

Dick: What does that mean?

Maddox: - and recog-...I don't know!! How can you possibly show somebody that you approve of their...?

Dick: Of their presence?

Maddox: Now we have to *approve* of their presence?!

Dick: I think you just offer to buy them a drink!

Maddox: Or how 'bout offer to tell them to fuck off? Like, I shouldn't have to approve anything!

Dick: Yeah, that's weird, man!

Maddox: "It is important..." It goes on. "It is important for introverts to feel welcome - they won't spend their precious energy..." And it says -- these are his words -- "their precious energy on someone who doesn't want them around." Well, guess what, dickfuck? We don't wanna spend OUR energy on someone who doesn't WANT to be around.

Dick: Yeah, what, Sean? Are you an introvert? Are you jumping in to the defense of introverts? (amused)

Sean: No, I'm just, I'm just thinkin', this guy's talking completely about himself!

Dick: Right?! Yeah! (giggles loudly)

Sean: Right?

Maddox: Right.

Sean: I mean, like, as I psychoanalyze...

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Sean:, somebody. But holy shit, no! He's...he's talking about no one but HIM.

Dick: So like, I was gonna say, imagine this is -- if it hadn't gone viral?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, is this just something he's writing for his friends? (cracking up) So they know how to deal...

Maddox: I guess, yeah!

Dick: Like, what happened in this guy's world that caused this? (smiling)

Maddox: It's a passive-aggressive way -

Dick: It is!

Maddox: - of telling all his fuckin' friends -- his loser friends -- like, "Hey guys, just 'cause I don't wanna go out doesn't mean should still invite me! Blah blah..." (stupid voice) No! NO!

Dick: I mean, that's what...that's what people say about my website. (chuckling) Like I've, that's -- I've heard, "What, did you just write this to piss off your mom?" (Maddox laughs) I'm like, "Uhh...I don't think so!" (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah,, they nailed you, dude. (grinning)

Dick: What? (laughing)

Maddox: Now, uh, so it goes on, there's a little bit left. It says, "Now the introverts know that you are friendly and open to interaction..." So, after you've said "hello" and APPROVED of their presence. "...but will not push them into spending energy if they have no need to." So, "Remember: [...] Don't demand to have energy spent on you when it's not particularly needed, and don't take silence as an insult - it isn't!" (buzzer sound effect)

Dick: It's not an insult, it's just, like, boring!

Maddox: Yeah! We don't want you around if you're not gonna say anything, dickhead!

Dick: I don't know, I don't mind...I don't mind people not sayin' things.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Like, the worst...the WORST thing to me is having to listen to a bad story.

Maddox: Sure!

Dick: Or like, someone who feels like they're obligated to talk, to fill space?

Maddox: Well, if you're on a date, say, with an introvert...

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: ...and this has happened to me, where they don't SAY anything...

Dick: It's brutal!

Maddox: It's brutal.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I can do all the heavy lifting; I can carry both sides of a conversation, but I don't WANT to. (Dick laughs)

Dick: I think you do. (Maddox laughs) Let's be fair. (grinning)

Maddox: No, 'cause then I -- what the hell am I doin' on a date?? Like, why would I wanna hang out with you, jackass?

Dick: No, I think your best -- I think your ideal date is someone just parroting your own opinion back at you.

Maddox: Nuh-huh, no! (laughing)

Dick: Let's be fair! Be honest! Be honest.

Maddox: No, absolutely not. I am TOTALLY honest. I went on a date a while ago, and the girl was...almost exactly like me. Like, *scary* exactly like me. Like I could...I -

Dick: (interjects) Physically? (Maddox laughs) That would be scary.

Maddox: No, I'd be married right now if she was. Uh... (everyone laughs) No. Uh, she,, I could predict her thoughts. I knew what she was gonna say, I knew what she was thinking about everything.

Dick: Whoa!

Maddox: Yeah, and it was boring!

Dick: True love, man!

Maddox: No, it was absolutely boring.

Dick: You let that girl slip away!

Maddox: Nope. It was boring to me, because I want to be challenged! I actually like being challenged.

Dick: You know what? I retract my statement. You do.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You get off on someone criticizing you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You do!

Maddox: I love it. (breaking into a smile)

Dick: I'm the opposite.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I would like to hear what I think parroted back to me.

Maddox: Ohh, so you were projecting just now. What's that psychological term...there's some -- I'm sure there's something.

Dick: Look, I just made a mistake! (Maddox laughs) It's not projecting, I JUST made a mistake. (annoyed)

Maddox: Yeah. That's, uh, that's psychoprojection, buddy. (teasing)

Dick: Um... (Maddox laughs) So, what's wrong with shy people?

Maddox: Shy people -

Dick: (interjects) Like, they're not -- not all shy people are that jerkoff -

Maddox: No.

Dick: - that was tryin' to write's like, almost a suicide note, basically.

Maddox: Right. So on, uh...on xoJane, this feminist website, they also talk about how to deal with introverted people. [ ] And they say here that, uh, "Don't be offended when your introvert friend doesn't want to hang out. Just don't." So they're not saying WHY you shouldn't -

Dick: But this is introverts!

Maddox: - and they're not saying HOW you shouldn't. They're just saying, "Don't do it."

Dick: Your problem was shy people.

Maddox: Okay. Well, shy, they're saying -- I read a couple things, uh, psychologically, that say shyness can be overcome -

Dick: (interjects) 'Psychologically.' (amused) What a...what a weird coincidence, that we brought these in.

Maddox: Yeah. Super weird. (smiling)

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: It said that shyness can be overcome with therapy. Um, so -

Dick: (interjects) Therapy?!?

Maddox: know, if you have to talk to somebody and get over your fears of being shy and rejection, then so be it! But with me, for example, I WORKED for it.

Dick: You just do it!

Maddox: Yeah, I just did it!

Dick: Uh, this therapy shit? I don't think...I don't think they fix anything.

Maddox: Well, says YOU. (chuckles)

Dick: Like, I think people like it, but I think it's just -- all these headlines are meant to gin up business for psychotherapists.

Maddox: Yeah, ehh... (skeptical)

Dick: That's what I really think.

Maddox: Do you think there's a big psychotherapist lobby that's putting out these...? (amused)

Dick: Look, from some guy who's accusing the MEAT industry of inflating the prices of steak? (Maddox laughs) You don't think psychoanalysts can build up their profession with this shit??

Maddox: I mean...

Dick: I absolutely do!!

Maddox: I guess. But you...that's not the only way to overcome it, as I am proof of that!

Dick: I don't think that's ANY way to overcome it!

Maddox: I did overcome it!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: And I worked towards it! That's my problem with shy people and introverts, is you can DO somethin' about it. You know it's a problem, you know people think you're an asshole, you know that people are tired of your shitty attitude and tired of you always saying "no" and staying home! You know what? Fuck off! Why don't you move to the MOON, asshole? (Dick laughs) You hate people so much, just fucking move to the moon! Stay home! (angrily)

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: Oh, and read your fuckin' philosophy books on the moon, dick! And then this other web comic I saw, this girl says, "Well, sometimes shy people just like the silence in a world that talks too much." [final page of this comic: ] And then the last panel shows her standing next to a windowsill all alone in her house, and a little bird chirps up next to her. (breaking into a grin) Oh...! (mocking)

Dick: (interjects) Being annoying?

Maddox: No no, that didn't annoy her!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Because of course she's tranquil, she's one with nature, and she reads a lot. (cynical)

Dick: Man. (under his breath)

Maddox: Every shy person, right? But shy people are really sittin' home, eatin' a personal pizza like a fatass, and then doing nothing but flippin' through channels!

Dick: I would like, uh...I would like to see that rant done like a Scared Straight program with you on, like, Dr. Phil (Maddox snickers) addressing a panel of shy people. Just screaming obscenities at them. (Maddox laughs harder) How they just need to get out there, and... (cracks up) ...then have it take, like, that really personal turn where you're like, "I'M TELLING GOOD STORIES HERE! I'm telling good stories, and you're not doing ANYTHING!!" (hysterically angry) "We'll be right back with Maddox, the..." (laughs)

Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Yes sir! Absolutely, I'll scare them straight. So, one last thing I just wanna add. This is -

Dick: (interjects) I don't think it's a big problem in the universe, though.

Maddox: Well -

Dick: Like, some people are quiet. What's the big deal?

Maddox: Okay! Okay -

Dick: And there's annoying viral pieces. So what?

Maddox: Yeah, okay, Dick. It may not be the BIGGEST problem in the universe, but this is a show where we rank all the problems, so we have to discuss all of 'em eventually. Everything from mice to...AIDS. Eventually. So I just... (cracks up)

Dick: That's a cop-out. (both laugh)

Maddox: It is. (giggling) I do want to add one thing, though. This is from It says here -- they did a study about this!

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Maddox: About, uh, introverts. It says, "Human faces may hold more meaning for socially outgoing individuals than for their more introverted counterparts, a new study suggests. The results show the brains of extroverts pay more attention to human faces than do introverts. In fact, introverts' brains didn't seem to distinguish between inanimate objects and human faces." []

Dick: Ohh!

Maddox: Isn't that interesting?

Dick: That's kinda...yeah, that's weird.

Maddox: Yeah! So they could look at a shelf, and then they could look at you, and kind of have a blurry distinction! Like, "Well, that's just another thing!" They objectify -

Dick: (interjects) I don't -- I still don't get why shy people upset you so much though. Do you think that they think they're better than you? I think that's it.

Maddox: Because they're lazy! And inconsiderate.

Dick: Ohhh...okay.

Maddox: Right? They're lazy!! They're just sitting around and waiting -- like, how are we -

Dick: (interjects) What if they have that gripping fear, though? Like, you' overcame it.

Maddox: Shy people? Yeah, shy people have that gripping fear.

Dick: You overcame your shyness.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: But you're like, you know...MADDOX.

Maddox: Right!

Dick: Like, not everyone can be you.

Maddox: But nobody forced me to do this! I CHOSE to, because I recognized the problem! If you recognize a problem with yourself -- "Hey, I'm overweight." By the way, that's another fuckin' problem I overcame! I was overweight and I lost 80 pounds. Guess -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, "overcame"? I would say you''re *dealing* with it. (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing) I wouldn't say "overcame." (grinning) (both laugh more)

Maddox: Yeah. (amused)

Dick: Alright. Can I do my second problem now?

Maddox: Yeah. Do your second problem.

Dick: I don't think yours's definitely not the biggest problem in the universe.

Maddox: Well.

Dick: And I am gonna be pissed off if that shitty problem outranks Condoms.

Maddox: Well, you know what to do, guys!

Dick: If -

Maddox: (interjects)!

Dick: Yeah! (sneering) Go blow up -- go blow Maddox's ego more, and have this shitball problem outrank my good problems. Uh, here''s a problem that's WAY bigger than shy people.

Maddox: 'Kay.

Dick: The movie Frozen. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)

Maddox: Alright. Sure.

Dick: Do you you know about this movie?

Maddox: Never seen it! I know everyone keeps singing that fuckin' song from it.

Dick: Yeah! That's... (laughing) Well, that's pretty much what triggers -

Maddox: (interjects) That's the whole thing?? (laughs)

Dick: Oh! Dude, it's like, it's just in my head.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I had to watch it with my niece, er, my cousin...whatever it is when it's your cousin's kid. Um...

Maddox: Nephew?

Dick: His daughter was.....nononono, that's your brother's kid.

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: Um, my -- little girl. Let's just call her my niece. She was in town and she watched Frozen over and over, and that effing song has been stuck in my head for a week. Like, I's the song I play in my head when I'm jerking off. (Maddox snickers) It's like, I can't get it out!

Maddox: Why...what, uh....?

Dick: And I don't know what to do.

Maddox: That, uh, that "Let It Go" song, right?

Dick: "Let it goooo, let it go..." (background sounds of Maddox searching for clips) What are you doin'? What are you doin' over there?

Maddox: Well, I was gonna pull it up, but fuckin' YouTube has ads on it.

Dick: You think you're...(laughs) You think you're doin' sound effects on the fly over there?

Maddox: Yeah, I was.

Dick: Yeah. Um...'cause usually I sing, like, the Super Mario Brothers theme song in my head when I'm jerkin' off. (Maddox chuckles) Just 'cause it's stuck in my head!

Maddox: You know, it's interesting you mention... (cracks up) Because a long time ago when I first, uh, started masturbating, I was around...I dunno, 15, 16 years old. And I didn't -

Dick: (interjects) Ha, wait a minute. (Maddox laughs loudly) Wait a minute! (cracking a grin)

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I got a LOT of questions.

Maddox: Allllright.

Dick: "When I *first* started masturbating..."

Maddox: Yeeeah...

Dick: How did THAT go?

Maddox: Well...

Dick: How did that did that dance go? (amused)

Maddox: That's another story, my friend. That's a weird one.

Dick: Hoho, that's the one we're telling! (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, no, that's uh...that's a weird one. Uh, I'll get to the -

Dick: (interjects) How weird?

Maddox: I'll get -- wellll, it's pretty weird.

Dick: Gimme a teaser!

Maddox: Eh, it's -

Dick: Gimme a teaser.

Maddox: I didn't even know what masturbation was.

Dick: No! We didn't -- well, we never do!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I didn' one told me...well, we didn't have the Internet. Do kids know now what it is? 'Cause we had no idea!

Maddox: I, I -

Dick: (interjects) It's like, all of a sudden, "This feels good and I don't know what it is."

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: And you don't find out 'til years later that it's masturbating.

Maddox: Well then, that -- okay. Then fine, that's...that's kinda normal then. That's the experience I had.

Dick: Oh, that's VERY normal.

Maddox: Oh yeah. I thought I broke my dick, uh, essentially. When...when that happened. So -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you were getting a hard-on, or...?

Maddox: No! (laughing) I've always gotten hard-ons! I was born hard. Um...

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: But anyway, I wanna -- I just wanna say this real quick.

Dick: That's cool. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Uh...I didn't have porn. So I grew up in Utah, and porn in Utah is really hard to come by. Especially, uh, REAL porn, 'cause it's all censored. I don't know if people know this, but genitals in Utah are censored. So -

Dick: (interjects) Wow, like Japan!

Maddox: Yeah! Like Japan!

Dick: Wooow.

Maddox: It's weird! Um...

Dick: That IS weird.

Maddox: So, I was forced to draw my own porn... (cracking up)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Mario Paint. (laughs) So I have this weird Pavlovian response -

Dick: Of the Mario Paint theme song! (astonished)

Maddox: - every time I hear the Mario Paint theme song. (grinning)

Dick: Ohh, wow!

Maddox: I get a boner! It's weird, it's the weirdest thing! (laughing)

Dick: That is weird.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: What did you draw?

Maddox: I drew a girl, uh, doggy style with like, Mario on top of her? Like, because you're... (both laugh hysterically) Because I had that 'Mario riding Yoshi' stamp, and I was like, "Well, I'm gonna use this!"

Dick: Oh my god!! (through giggles) Okay!

Maddox: Yeah, and I was like, "Well, I'll be Mario." And then, you know, he's doin' this chick doggy style, and she's like "Ohhh!" (imitating a girl moaning) And uh, yeah. That was...

Dick: Um, can you recreate that picture?

Maddox: Oh, absolutely.

Dick: Somehow?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Please. And post it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Please do that.

Maddox: So, back to Frozen. You were saying.

Dick: Uh...

Maddox: It's that stupid song, you were... (cracks up) jerk off to that song. Weird.

Dick: I can't get it outta my head! Like, I try other songs! Everybody has, like, a song that gets stuck in their head when they're jerking off, right?

Maddox: No. (smirks)

Dick: Really?!

Maddox: I don't...not No. Right? Sean? Do you??

Dick: Sean?

Maddox: Sean's noddin' 'no.' No! This is a weird thing.

Dick: No, I know Sean does. There's no -- really?? (brief silence) Oh.

Maddox: Yeah! Why, why...?

Dick: I just can't it outta my head, I don't know!

Maddox: No, that's weird, dude!

Dick: There's no way that can be weird. Like, there's -

Maddox: (interjects) Why...why during jerking off? Like, why wouldn't you -- why not, like, during cereal or whatever? Like while you're eating cereal or goin' to the bathroom or somethin'. Why jerking...why do you go to jerking off? (chuckling)

Dick: I don't know!! It just happens! Like I get songs stuck in my head all day, but it's somehow...always then. OH -- well, anyway. If that's...if nobody else does that then I guess it's just a weird thing! Um, so here's what this movie's about.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Frozen.

Maddox: Yup.

Dick: It's...two chicks who are fighting.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: And they're -- no one's the bad guy. Like, there's no bad guys in this movie. It's just two sisters who are, like...kind of not really great at dealing with the world? I don't...I don't know! I don't -

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, would you say they're introverts?

Dick: Yeah! I guess -- well, one is and one isn't!

Maddox: Well, well, well.

Dick: One is and one isn't.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: The ice one is an introvert, I guess?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: 'Cause the parents were...listened to parenting advice from some trolls?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: So they raised her poorly.

Maddox: She's an ice queen?

Dick: Oh, yeah. I get it now.

Maddox: Interesting. Interesting that they would make the ice queen an introvert, sure.

Dick: So she, like, runs away and then the other one chases her down, and never in this movie is there a bad guy!

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: Like, never is there a guy that -- like a fire guy who tries to light things on fire? That's what I need in a movie. Alright?

Maddox: Yeah. A fire guy.

Dick: Yeah! I need, like, a Jafar...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...or, uhh, who was the bad guy in, Toy Story? Was there a bad guy in Toy Story? (quietly; to himself) That guy next door! That kid that lit all the toys on fire.

Maddox: Mmm...

Dick: What are you doin' over there?

Maddox: Nothin', don't worry!

Dick: Oh, alright.

Maddox: Uh, no, I don't -- the bad guy in Toy Story was the bully kid, right?, it had like, KIND of bad guys. It didn't have an overarching bad guy. Except for the, uh, the third movie, it had the bear. The whatever bear -- the purple bear?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The bad guy.

Maddox: And he was kind of -

Dick: (interjects) Frozen, no bad guys.

Maddox: Nyeeah, but he was kind of like, not really a bad -- he was a bad guy, but not really. That's...okay, so it didn't have any bad guys, but weren't the sisters bad guys?

Dick: Uh, I don't know. Uh, they -

Maddox: (interjects) Why, wha...?! (stammers) Wait, wait, whoa! Let's back up -- why did you see Frozen??

Dick: I told you! 'Cause my niece was there watching it -

Maddox: Ohhh! (exasperated)

Dick: - so I'm sitting there with her and watching Frozen. I'm like, "Oh, okay! This movie's huge." Like, Disney movies are always good! They always are. There's always a good story!

Maddox: Oh, my -- NO.

Dick: Yeah they are!!

Maddox: No!

Dick: They're good stories!

Maddox: Let's back up -- no, they're not! No!

Dick: WHY?

Maddox: I watched, I FINALLY watched -- so, I've heard about Lion King my whole fuckin' life. It was like, "Ohh, Lion King, Lion King, Lion King."

Dick: That's a good movie!!

Maddox: That STUPID song everyone sings - that, uh, "Hakuna Makata," whatever bullshit -

Dick: (interjects) "Hakuna Matata," you know what it is.

Maddox: Oh, who cares. (annoyed)

Dick: Don't pretend like you don't know what it is.

Maddox: I DON'T! I honestly don't. So, I saw Lion King for the first time last year. In my life. So I thought -- yeah! It's because Disney re-released in 3D or whatever, and it was at the fuckin' Pantages Theater, so I was like, "Alright! I'm gonna go see Lion King, see what all this fuss is about." And it's about 15 minutes of story with a bunch of SONGS in between! Like, I don't...why are they singing?!

Dick: 'Cause it's a musical.

Maddox: Why?!? What's the...why...? It's so WEIRD! Isn't that jarring to you? I'm watching this movie, and all of a sudden someone's playing a song?? What's going on? I'm lost!!

Dick: That's what a musical is!

Maddox: No! (stammers) So is it a good movie or not?? Like, the story's 15 minutes long! This kid gets born, the dad gets betrayed, and then it's like a 5 -- it's like an Aesop's Fable stretched into a movie! What -

Dick: (interjects) So what do you want, like, a 3-hour movie? Like uh, the Transformers one where it's just like --okay. This is my problem with it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What was...did you see Godzilla?

Maddox: Sure did.

Dick: Not enough Godzilla.

Maddox: Not enough Godzilla.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Imagine no Godzilla at all!

Maddox: That would piss me off.

Dick: That's Frozen.

Maddox: (chuckles) That is Frozen.

Dick: That's what happening! It's all these dumb little stories, these human stories; no bad guys!

Maddox: Yeah. This is the song, by the way. Right? This is the song that you have a problem with? [plays clip of "Let it Go" from Frozen]

Dick: I mean, I don't think...I...

Elsa from Frozen (singing): I don't care what they're going to say...

Dick: [over clip] Yeah.

Maddox: This is the song that -

Dick: (interjects) That's not what I think about while I'm masturbating.

Maddox: That's...that's sick, dude.

Elsa from Frozen (singing): ...let the storm rage on...

Dick: I can't get it outta my head!!

Maddox: You can't get this... (laughing) Ha! You -

Dick: (interjects) I can't get this stupid song outta my HEAD! It's a big problem!

Maddox: You were with your nephew!

Dick: NIECE!! (Maddox laughs loudly) Get it straight! [music still playing in background]

Maddox: Ha, "niece"!

Dick: Are you listening to the story or not?!?

Maddox: No...kind of, vaguely. [stops clip]

Dick: Yeah! Pay attention! (annoyed)

Maddox: Yeah. (sneering) What, that's...that's weird, dude! Why... (cracks up)'s only -- is it the biggest problem when you're masturbating or is it all throughout the day?

Dick: That's not...what do you mean?

Maddox: Like, you're hearing the song all throughout the day. It's haunting you.

Dick: Yeah, kinda! I think it's haunting everybody.

Maddox: No...I, I guess. I mean, you know, I didn't watch it. And even if I did -- if I was gonna take my niece or nephew to see this movie, I would be tuned out. Was this in a theater?

Dick: No, it was sitting around on the couch.

Maddox: Oh, so you had a phone on you, presumably? With apps and, say, a web browser? And work to do, potentially?

Dick: I'm sitting around with my niece!

Maddox: Yeah! Doing something -

Dick: (interjects) Well, I'm not surfing around on my phone like a JERK.

Maddox: Yeah, but your niece is checked out, so what do you...?

Dick: No! Kids -- that's not how kids watch movies. They're in and out.

Maddox: Really?

Dick: Yeah. They, that's why the songs exist!

Maddox: Why don't you take your -

Dick: pull them back in.

Maddox: Why don't you take your niece to the park or something?

Dick: We did that.

Maddox: Be like, "Hey, you know what? We're not gonna - "

Dick: (interjects) Whatta...what are you?! (Maddox laughs) You don't have -- you have NO idea what it's like hanging around with kids!!

Maddox: Yeah! So I'm the expert. (smiling)

Dick: Look, it's a big problem. So, this girl movie...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...has taken over; nephew's there, sittin' there. What's he learning?

Maddox: Well...

Dick: What's there for him? Absolutely nothing! It's a whole movie for chicks.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No one's punching anyone!

Maddox: Yeah. Shitty movie. Um, I would say REALLY, really low on the problem list.

Dick: Okay! Enjoy your Godzilla-less Godzilla then. (Maddox laughs) 'Cause that's what this is!

Maddox: How dare you. (playfully) Um, okay. Let's get to my last problem...uh, real quick. My last problem is the Resolution Race.

Dick: What's that?

Maddox: So, what I'm talkin' about here is the CONSTANT race for the highest resolution. So uh, you know, we had 720, we had 1080; now everyone's pushing 4K! Have you heard of this? You know what 4K is? 4K resolution?

Dick: Yeah. Uh, can I say something about these resolutions?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When you watch, like, movies in 120 Hertz -- is that a resolution?

Maddox: No, that's a frequency.

Dick: Oh. They all look like dog shit. Like, they all look like they were filmed by...they all look like student films. They all look like home movies. Have you ever watched Star Wars in 120 Hertz?

Maddox: Yeah, but -

Dick: (interjects) It looks like garbage.

Maddox: 120 Hertz is more for video games, 'cause you need the higher refresh rate. Um, so the resolution is more -- but yeah, people were complaining about that with The Hobbit, because they shot The Hobbit, I believe, in 4K.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And the resolution was so crisp that it was off-putting! Like, people was taking people out of the movie because you were noticing details that you normally wouldn't. You don't need to see the grain on a branch that's passing you by. You don't need to see -- so, there's this website. Uh, I believe it was...oh, it's Ars Technica. And they talked about the size increase, from going from like 720 resolution -- 720p, that's the resolution that most of YouTube is in -

Dick: Mmhm.

Maddox: - up to 1080. And of course, file sizes are gonna increase. Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, one of the biggest traffic draws on the Internet today is Netflix. And Netflix is starting to push 4K. So suddenly, we're going to get...right now Netflix, during peak times, is pushin' -- 34 percent of ALL Internet traffic is Netflix. And even more now because they're gonna start offering 4K resolution. Why do we need 4K resolution?? It's impossible to edit! Every...EVERY machine I've used, even machines specifically *built* for it, choke on 4K. And there's -- now they're comin' out with 8K resolution! Have you heard of this?


Maddox: Yeah! They -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, I don't think, like, you have to HEAR of it. It's just gonna keep going forever.

Maddox: But what's the point?! So, I read -- this is, this -

Dick: (interjects) To sell TVs.

Maddox: Well, exactly. But, but...practically, there's no point. On Wikipedia it says, "One advantage of higher resolution displays such as 8K is to have each pixel be indistinguishable from another to the human eye from a much closer distance. [...] This effect would be achieved in a distance of 20 inches." [] So 1 foot 8 inches. So, what...?

Dick: Yeah. That's me. (mischievously)

Maddox: If you were standing a foot away from your TV -

Dick: (interjects) 1 foot 8 inches. (Maddox laughs) That's... (cracks up) That's how big my dick is. (grinning)

Maddox: No, we gotta convert that to metric, and then...

Dick: Still big!

Maddox: ...nanometers. Nope! In nanometers., if you were standing a foot away from your TV, and that's the distance you would need to stand to notice *pixels* on your TV? Fuck off.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright? You're being an asshole. Sit back! Calm down! Just watch the fuckin' show, and shut up.

Dick: Yeah... (unsure)

Maddox: 8K resolution's ridiculous. 4K resolution is ridiculous! We don't NEED it! 1080 is fine, end it at 1080. We DON'T need higher resolution. (chuckling derisively) Everything looks great, all the time now. Same with video games! I'm tired of this, like, constant race for resolution and frame rate. Everything looks great already! STOP! Stop! Just, like, focus on making shit better and don't worry about making labels more...more legible, in TV shows.

Dick: Yeah, I would rather play, like, a good game of Pac-Man than any of these licensed video games that come out these days.

Maddox: People play Tetris! People played Tetris on an old-school grayscale Game Boy for YEARS! And people STILL prefer to play Tetris. It doesn't matter what resolution it is; you play a good game, it's a good game.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Same with TV shows!

Dick: So, is your problem that the quality of the thing in entertainment is suffering, and too much emphasis is being put on the technology around it?

Maddox: Yeah! And it's...and it's going to clog up the Internet, because the more we push -

Dick: (interjects) Clog up the Internet? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: What do you mean, "clog up the Internet"??

Maddox: Well, Netflix accounts for 34 percent of traffic, as I mentioned, and in 2014 -- this is from Wikipedia -- "Netflix began streaming House of Cards, [...] and 'some nature documentaries' at 4K to compatible televisions." [] So -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but what's it gonna clog up?

Maddox: The bandwidth. It's gonna take up bandwidth 'cause everyone's downloading 4K to see their stupid fucking...

Dick: Orange Is the New Black. (smiling)

Maddox: ...Orange Is the -- yeah, do you really need high resolution to watch, uh, House of Cards?? What do you wanna see that's high resolution in that show?

Dick: Um...I can't remember if there's boobs in that show. YES, there is!! (suddenly excited) Yes, there is boobs in that show! Uhh, the hot -- the reporter. Have you seen...have you seen it? You haven't seen House of Cards, have you?

Maddox: I've seen it.

Dick: Remember the hot chick in the first season?

Maddox: Did she show her boobs?

Dick: Yes! She shows her boobs...uh, when Kevin Spacey is, like, going down on her in that WEIRD apartment scene?

Maddox: Whoa! Gross.

Dick: You remember that?

Maddox: No...huh.

Dick: Yeah, you got boob action there, buddy!

Maddox: Yeah, whatever, dude. I'll download high-resolution boobs. And by the way, I don't *want* high-resolution boobs; you see pores and shit. It's gross. Like, you just want -

Dick: (interjects) I don't know!! And now I'm thinkin' about it, I kinda LIKE high-resolution boobs!

Maddox: Ohh... (disgusted) No, Dick is gettin' a boner, and he's thinkin' of the Frozen song. (smirks)

Dick: You don't?! You don't like seeing the high-resolution...?

Maddox: Yeah, in real life! It's called "life," and I just...grab 'em. But, like, (cracks up) I don't need to see it on my TV, I don't CARE! How...I'm not gonna -

Dick: (interjects) You know, you've talked me into high resolution! Like, I was really anti-high resolution when you started this, but now I'm thinking...

Maddox: Ohh, my gosh. (exasperated) Unbelievable.

Dick: ...of that scene, and I'm like, "Wait a minute! Yeah, I COULD tell the difference!"

Maddox: Stupid. (under his breath) No. What's...? No! It's weird, and you see like, know, every time I think of high-resolution boobs -

Dick: (interjects) You see, like, those little hairs?

Maddox: Yeah, peach fuzz!!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: I was thinkin' about peach fuzz, yeah!

Dick: That's hot!

Maddox: I guess! In real life, but not -

Dick: (interjects) That's a real woman, Maddox.

Maddox: I know -

Dick: Maybe you're used to your...

Maddox: Oh, let me tell you about real women.

Dick: ...plasticine models. (jeering)

Maddox: Mmm.

Dick: But real women have a little bit of hair on their boobs!

Maddox: Yeah. Sorry that the supermodels I'm dating don't stack up to your hairy... (cracking up)

Dick: You're're so fulla SHIT. (chuckling derisively)

Maddox: ...your hairy-chested... (laughs)

Dick: You're so fulla shit! You always say this shit on this show. You're SO fulla shit.

Maddox: Not.

Dick: With the 'supermodel'...

Maddox: Absolutely not.

Dick: ...the Tinder -- the hottest girls on Tinder that you're dating. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah. They're all hittin' me up, buddy.

Dick: What supermodels??

Maddox: All of 'em.

Dick: What supermodels are you dating?

Maddox: All -- you name 'em.

Dick: You're such a liar! (laughs)

Maddox: You name it, I'm datin' all the supermodels. Yeah. (playfully gloating)

Dick: Oh, you're such a liar.

Maddox: So, anyway, dude. Yeah, I -- it's fine in real life. (Dick laughs more) I don't need to see, it's not ADDING anything! I'm not thinkin' about peach fuzz when I'm jerking off! It's just -- I'm just not! I'm sorry that you're dating all these hairy-chested women -

Dick: (interjects) It makes it better!

Maddox: No. (annoyed) These -

Dick: (interjects) What are you talkin' about, "hairy-chested women"? See, you always -- you clown on me with this dating shit! (Maddox laughs) I'm telling you, looking at high-resolution boobs is better than low-resolution boobs.

Maddox: Is it? (skeptical)

Dick: Yes!!

Maddox: Why?

Dick: That's what I'm saying!

Maddox: No! Because what they do in magazines -- like Hustler, Playboy, Penthouse -- they airbrush the boobs, SPECIFICALLY to get rid of imperfections and details!

Dick: Yeah, that's because it's an image though! This is...this is a big difference between image porn and video porn.

Maddox: Okay, I got ya, dickhead. 'Cause you know what they do with -

Dick: (interjects) Hold on!! I'm not done!

Maddox: Okay!

Dick: Don't you DARE interrupt me when I'm talkin' about porn!

Maddox: Oh! (disdainful) Oh, I'm sorry, did I interrupt you? (sound clip of Dick saying, "Can I interrupt you for one second?")

Dick: Image porn, you need to have it all...perfect, because your eyes are taking it in. And if there's imperfections you'll focus on it. But VIDEO porn, it's always moving around, so it's about immersing you in the visual! Which means: don't fuck with it, it's gotta be as natural as possible.

Maddox: Dick, I want you to gather your crew -

Dick: (interjects) No, no! You think about that! (angrily)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Don't respond right away!

Maddox: No, I...

Dick: You just think about what I said.

Maddox: I did, I did. I listened quietly, and I know what I'm about to say, and I -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, you just listened quietly until I was done so you could start talking! (taunting)

Maddox: No, I know -- no! I'm, I -

Dick: (interjects) GODDAMMIT, I'M SO UPSET! (screaming) (Maddox bursts out laughing) I'M SO UPSET AGAIN BY YOUR PROBLEM! Go. What?? WHAT.

Maddox: Ohh, this is a psychological disorder, my friend. (teasing) (Dick laughs) Uh, so, I want you to gather your crew and prepare -

Dick: (interjects) My CREW?!

Maddox: Yeah, I want you to prepare to evacuate your battleship, 'cause I'm about to sink it. (Dick laughs more)

Dick: Go.

Maddox:, most editing software that you use for 4K and above has specific filters to soften skin. Because they know it's a problem. And it just, it's turned on -

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, "they know it's a problem"?

Maddox: Because you don't...there's so many skin imperfections at that high resolution that you're sitting there looking at monsters on TV! 'Cause you're just looking at every wrinkle, and pore, and drop of sweat, and...and ZIT, and everything -- it's just gross!

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: They...they cake on makeup on newscasts because everything's in HD now, and that -- if you see them in person, they look like mannequins. 'Cause they have so makeup on, because they're covering their imperfections! AND, the cameras have -

Dick: (interjects) I don't care about the news! I don't watch the news.

Maddox: Well, that's fine, but I'm just telling you: in movies, in TV, in film, everything high resolution has skin filters. They soften the skin...the skin tone.

Dick: So you're telling me in that scene in House of Cards, when that reporter takes her top off, that has, like...editing done to it?

Maddox: Yeah, everything goes through post!

Dick: I don't know, man. That chick's really hot.

Maddox: know, you're probably thinkin' that because they softened her skin a bit! Who knows, man?

Dick: Ohhh! (annoyed) No!

Maddox: No?

Dick: I'm gonna give it to her. She deserves it. (cracking a smile)

Maddox: What?!

Dick: NO, no!! I'm giving it to her, like, (Maddox laughs) I think she's that hot.

Maddox: Oh, I thought you were going to do her the favor of sex. (amused) (laughs harder)

Dick: No, it's never a favor when I'm doing it. (laughs)

Maddox: No, I know. I know. They're not -- yeah., dude. You're wrong, man. We don't need this high resolution.

Dick: I think -

Maddox: (interjects) And it's clogging up the Internet! (yelling) Everything's gonna be slower.

Dick: I don't give a shit about the Internet thing, though! Our Internet always sucks! It's always gonna suck in America.

Maddox: We...NO! Wrong!

Dick: That's the thing.

Maddox: WRONG.

Dick: It's gonna get worse.

Maddox: Yeah, because of fuckin' 4K and 8K resolution!

Dick: Ehhh... (dubious)

Maddox: This resolution race! It's a race to the bottom.

Dick: Google will figure it out. Google and Netflix will figure it out. We'll be fine.

Maddox: Ohh. I can feel my head just like, throbbing. Just angry.

Dick: What do you doubt...?! Like, why do you need all this bandwidth so much anyway? What are you DOIN'? What are you downloading all the time?

Maddox: I just want -- I type in real time, 'cause I use Linux through a shell connection. And so I like to type in real time, and I like there to be no lag when I'm tryin' to send text! BITS of text! (yelling) I don't want you clogging up my bandwidth -

Dick: You're...typing... (incredulous)

Maddox: - with your fucking 4K resolution hairy tits that you're downloading on Netflix! (cracking up) I don't CARE about your hairy tits. I wanna get my work done. That's what I care about. Alright? That's why I need fast Internet.

Dick: So everyone's gotta suffer...

Maddox: No!!

Dick: Everyone's gotta see crappy-resolution boobs (Maddox snorts) 'cause you're, what, writing...writing an OPUS on... (Maddox sighs exasperatedly) ...why Lifehack is shit? (smiling)

Maddox: You know -

Dick: (interjects) THAT'S why? 'Cause you can't be bothered with the -- you can't write, like, with a pencil or paper, or locally? What, Sean?

Sean: Sounds like an introvert.

Dick: Yeah! (Maddox laughs) Sounds like a real introvert! (grinning)

Maddox: Fuck you, Sean! (amused)

Dick: Sounds like a real introvert.

Maddox: You guys are assholes. No.

Dick: I can't believe you've talked me outta something! Like I thought high resolution was stupid, but now I'm totally on board.

Maddox: Well, you guys are idiots. I don't know what else to say.

Dick: They -

Maddox: (interjects) High resolution's a waste of time. That's why The Hobbit was so off-putting!

Dick: Yeah, but there's...

Maddox: I mean, there is no more...what else do I need to say? The Hobbit was off-putting.

Dick: I think it was just boring. But there has to have been some jackass who was saying this about color movies, right? And you certainly -- you don't think COLOR movies are dumb, and black-and-white movies are better, do you?

Maddox: No, 'cause color adds a lot to a film. And sometimes, sometimes it doesn't!

Dick: Well, what is...why doesn't the resolution, then?

Maddox: Because -

Dick: (interjects) I see, those boobs look better in high resolution!

Maddox: How do you -

Dick: That's a FACT, Jack!

Maddox: Okay. When I... (cracks up) What...? Jesus. When I was a kid I would go to my dad's store with him and I would sit around, and I'd be bored outta my mind. And he had this old, shitty TV that got...uh, that had rabbit ears and we got BARELY any reception, and I remember I would watch anything that was on TV. Any kind of movies, anything. And sometimes a movie would be on like, know, Friday the 13th or an alien movie or something. And I would watch that thing, and at first you notice how shitty the TV looks, but after like 5, 10 minutes you get kind of inv-...

Dick: Hypnotized.

Maddox: ...yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You get kind of sucked into the movie -

Dick: Right.

Maddox: - and the movie becomes this thing that you see in your mind's eye. And then I realized like years later, after I watched the same movie in theaters, that same effect happens to me in theaters. The bigness of the screen kind of fades away, and you get kind of sucked into the movie 'cause you're there living that experience. So the size of the screen doesn't matter that much, the resolution of the screen doesn't matter that much. That's why people are able to watch movies on their phones and they're not complaining. Nobody's like, "Oh, we need bigger phones! We should make 'em BIGGER! Gimme a bigger tablet!" I mean, SOME idiots are, but you don't *need* it. Because you -

Dick: (interjects) It just seems arbitrary, then, to decide that right now whatever we have is all we need.

Maddox: Do you see pixels when you look at your screens?? Like, do you see -- does that really *bother* you? Is it that jarring, that you see pixels?

Dick: Well, I do, but that's 'cause I pirate everything.

Maddox: Okay...well, stop downloading shitty pirated copies of... (cracks up) ...stuff, and then download -- if you watch a normal 720 resolution, uh, feed of ANYTHING, is it really that jarring? And isn't it insincere, this whole resolution race? You yourself said it right at the top, it's -- they're doing it to -

Dick: (interjects) It's for selling TVs!

Maddox: Yeah! It's to sell TVs!

Dick: Yeah, but then I thought about that black-and-white and color thing, and I', when they went from black-and-white to color, it looked shitty. But now, color's way better! Like, what if...look, in order to get to like, cool holograms, where I wanna see -- like Godzilla's like, "WHOOOA! It's a hologram, it's comin' outta the screen, cool!" In order to get there, we gotta up... (Maddox sighs irritatedly) You gotta keep uppin' the resolution!

Maddox: No. (annoyed)

Dick: You gotta just do it! That's called progress!! That's how it works.

Maddox: No, that's LATERAL.

Dick: It doesn't always make sense.

Maddox: That's a lateral movement, not a vertical one. That's just moving forward in the resolution race; that's not moving forward technology, Dick. That's just saying, "Hey! Let's make -- you know this thing that we already have? Let's just make this thing that we already have better!"

Dick: Better!

Maddox: They're not sayin', "Let's make a new thing." That's...that's different! People are working on hologram technology, but they're not -- so, this was...the same thing kinda happened -

Dick: (interjects) This is how it works.

Maddox: No, the same thing kinda happened -- they're always trying to come up with some new gimmick to sell you something. The same thing happened with 3D TVs. Remember 3D TVs?

Dick: Oh, god. (exasperated)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I HATE 3D so much.

Maddox: It's pretty much...pretty much dead.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Here's a...this is from, uh, a clip I have here. Um, this is from...oh shit, I'm not even sure. I'll put the link on the website. Here. [plays clip from France 24 International News:]

Male Interviewee: 3D was exciting three or four years ago when we came out with it. Now we've moved on to newer and exciting things, like doubling the resolution or the new technology of OLED.

Dick: [over clip] I don't think it's that exciting.

[clip ends]

Maddox: No, it's not exciting! But that's what he's...this is the DICKHEAD who's selling you new, higher, high-resolution TVs. THAT dickhead is selling you TVs. "Oh, now we've moved on to double resolution!" (idiotic voice) What do you need double resolution for?! What do you need 3D for?? It's bullshit!

Dick: Then why not cut it in half? You don't make any sense.

Maddox: 1080 -

Dick: (interjects) Why not just cut it in...why not cut it in half from there? 'Cause you don't like it then?

Maddox: What?

Dick: Why not just have half the resolution that we have, then?

Maddox: I think the resolution we have is fine. We already have retina displays and OLEDs...uh, monitors, that you can't distinguish pixels. How much better can it get?

Dick: For a guy who wants to like, go to other planets?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: This is like a real anti-science...

Maddox: No.

Dick: ...problem.

Maddox: No! We're done! We're done. don't need high resolution! You can make -- here's the thing: there's a limit to the resolution that the human eye can see, and we have EXCEEDED that resolution at 4K!

Dick: Yeah...I don't know.

Maddox: So we're just -

Dick: (interjects) That's probably true.

Maddox: We're just adding -- you're just putting bricks on bricks! Like, you're just building to nowhere. You', you're building extra floors -

Dick: (interjects) But doesn't it add up? Like, doesn't the detail add up?

Maddox: No! It doesn't!

Dick: You can't tell the difference, but surely there must...there might be some cumulative effect.

Maddox: Well, no, NOT surely.

Dick: On your eye.

Maddox: That's...there is no cumulative effect! You CAN'T see that resolution.

Dick: Ehh...

Maddox: It's, it's THERE -

Dick: (interjects) I think I can sell that though. Like, if I was trying to sell a TV, I think what I just said would sell a TV.

Maddox: Yeah, to some...some idiot. THAT bozo. You'd be sittin' there with a suit and tie on...

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: some convention, at CES. Like that dickhead.

Dick: Yeah. Sellin' TVs? Sellin' TVs. (mischievously)

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) Like a used car -

Dick: You think Frozen's good NOW...

Maddox: You look like... (taunting)

Dick: ...wait 'til you see it on 8K, or whatever. (grinning)

Maddox: You are such a used car salesman, man. (Dick laughs) That's what -- yeah, that's what you are.

Dick: Everybody's selling something, Maddox.

Maddox: Oho. (chuckling) Well, I guess!

Dick: But have -- that's advice for you. (teasing)

Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)

Dick: From... (cracks up)

Maddox: Thank you. From Dick. Advice from Dick.

Dick: Um, alright. Can we sum up the problems?

Maddox: Let's do it.

Dick: Armchair Psychologists and.....The Movie Frozen.

Maddox: Mine are Shy People and Introverts, and The Resolution Race.

Dick: Are you going with Shy People AND Introverts?

Maddox: You know, I'm gonna put it as "Shy People/Introverts" on the website.

Dick: Like it matters, you're gonna win!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: 'Cause everyone just loads your votes up.

Maddox: No. (annoyed)

Dick: Such HORSESHIT! This voting is such bullshit!! (snapping)

(closing riff starts)

Maddox: It's not bullshit.

Dick: At! (Maddox laughs) Go there and vote for Maddox's problems, like every week!! (yelling)

Maddox: Do it!

(closing riff)