Problem: “Wash Me” [00:19:38]
Problem: Guardians of the Galaxy [00:27:19]
Problem: Losing Your Cell Phone [00:52:32]
The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 47
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy? (smiling)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: Episode 47. Welcome back, guys. So, um, so Dick, last episode the problems we brought in were...Vine Stars, that was my problem, and the BBC. And Vine Stars CLEANED house, buddy.
Maddox: Yeah! You made an impassioned case for hating the BBC, and yet -
Dick: (interjects) (stammers) I brought...I did research, I did a ton of research this time! (yelling)
Dick: I brought in good, well-reasoned arguments, and I made a passionate, um...claim on my issue! I mean, I reasoned passionately with my well-researched statistics, and I got SHIT all over. So what does that tell ya?? I'm not bringing in stats ever again! (Maddox laughs) Fuck it, I'm not doin' any research. It's just gonna be what I see on the walk in here. "Uh, BIRDS. Uh, sky. Sky is a problem. Clouds are fuckin'..." I brought... (suddenly calm) This organization, the BBC, killed Top Gear.
Dick: This is... (stammers) Easter is a recent thing that happened. This is what it was...they killed Jesus! (Maddox chuckles) This is...
Maddox: They did NOT kill Jesus.
Dick: ...they killed Jeremy Clarkson. (yells) I'm the guy saying, "Look, these...these guys killed...they killed Jesus, they're BAD! Ahh, come on!!" Who killed Jesus, by the way? Was it the Romans?
Maddox: I...yeah, it was the Romans, I think. Right?
Dick: It was the Romans?
Dick: THESE ROMANS ARE BAD! Come on!! Band together with me! I've got all these stats...
Maddox: They are... (cracks up)
Dick: Help me take them down!! No, I just get made fun of. (angrily)
Maddox: They are literally not Romans, Dick, and usually you DO just bring in a problem on your...like, whatever you think of on the drive over here. (laughs) It seems. Uh -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, well, I'm goin' back to that!
Maddox: Oh, "back"?
Dick: 'Cause I got no reward for bringing in the BBC.
Maddox: Dick, you argued that passionately, and what's another word for passion? "Emotion."
Maddox: You were emotion-... (Sean laughs in the background) No, you were emotional when you were arguing that. Um -
Dick: (interjects) Hey wait, can I ask you something?
Dick: Uh, is this episode gonna have, like, a 2-minute sandbagging of me before that I can't respond to? (Maddox laughs loudly) Before we get too far into it?
Maddox: Hey, I called you on the phone, buddy! I was like, "Hey, I'm gonna do this thing. What do you think?" and we went back and forth.
Dick: I said, "I don't know Serial. I don't get it." (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah. Well, maybe listen to it, fuckhead! Like, it's the number one podcast of all time! Maybe you should listen to it and just see what else is out there. You know, what else is in this industry that we're in, maybe? I don't know! Research?
Dick: Yeah, okay. (sarcastic)
Dick: I know all you fuckin' hipsters love your Serial and your NPR.
Maddox: I didn't! I thought...I mean, it's a well-produced show, but it went nowhere. It was a boring listen. The first episode was fine, but uh, it went nowhere. Uh, speaking of going nowhere, that's the end of that sentence. (laughs with Sean) Anyway man, Vine Stars cleaned house, and -
Dick: (interjects) That's stupid.
Maddox: You know, Dick? Based on your comment starting this show -- you were saying that you did all that research and everything?
Maddox: It was a very impassioned argument, but I got a comment from Magnus Olsson. He says, "Hey Dick, do you know why Top Gear can do what they do and piss all over cars they don't like? Because the BBC doesn't depend on advertisers. Ford, Mercedes or Toyota can't threaten to pull their advertising if Clarkson shits on their cars. The reason your news channels in the U.S. are such complete pussies and never hold any politicians accountable is because then they lose access, which damages their bottom line. They don't even dare to investigate journalism about corporations doing heinous shit. The BBC doesn't have to worry about any of that crap so they can hold politicians accountable, which they DO. The fee is specifically a license and NOT a tax..." (Dick laughs loudly) "...so that they are not under the foot of the government."
Dick: Okay. (amused)
Maddox: No, it's a fee and not a tax! Because you don't...it's just like car insurance, Dick! You don't HAVE to own a car, but -
Dick: (interjects) You have to have insurance, though!
Maddox: Yeah, but you don't have to own a car!
Dick: Okay. (dismissively)
Maddox: So that's why it's a fee and not a tax. So, they are not under the foot of the government when it comes to holding them accountable when they do their budget every year. The politicians can't threaten to defund the BBC because of their licensing scheme.
Dick: Yeah. You get an allowance from your parents? You're accountable to them. They let you wander around and make mistakes, you're accountable. Who's feedin' you? The government is.
Maddox: Yeah. And yet, a show like Top Gear was able to be created on the BBC...
Dick: What does that mean?
Maddox: ...because of the very nature of the network that it's on. You would never see a show like Top Gear in the U.S.
Dick: There is a Top Gear U.S.
Maddox: What is it?
Dick: It's called "Top Gear U.S.", shithead.
Maddox: Oh, Top Gear U.S.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Well, it's syndicated. It came from...it was originated in the BBC!
Dick: So you're saying there's no way...you're saying it's IMPOSSIBLE. It's impossible to be critical of ANY company unless the government pays for your show. Is that what you're saying?
Maddox: No, it's not...no, it's not impossible!
Dick: Why can you not have a show like Top Gear in America? (sneering)
Maddox: Well, because you have advertisers and you shit all over advertisers. It's the reason Idiocracy...there's a movie called "Idiocracy" by Mike Judge, the creator of Beavis and Butt-Head and...
Maddox: ...King of the Hill, made this movie called "Idiocracy," and it shit on SO many corporations. It shit on Burger King, Fuddruckers, Starbucks...
Dick: So you're saying that's impossible to have?
Maddox: Well, they buried it because there were too many corporate interests!
Dick: They buried it?! (scoffing)
Dick: I love that movie, but...you watch it, you think about it critically and you're like, "Yeah, there's no way this is gonna be a huge hit. It's too high...it's too think-y."
Maddox: Dick, they didn't even release it in a wide enough theater...they released it in literally, I think, two theaters in Texas?
Dick: Ahhh. (frustrated)
Maddox: The weekend of its opening, they buried that movie because they didn't want to piss off the corporations.
Dick: I love that movie; as much as I love that movie, it's destined to be a cult hit. There's just no way that...like, I don't think that's a bad business decision. Not releasing that movie wide?
Maddox: But what are the interests?
Dick: The interests are...putting another movie in the theaters that could be a huge commercial success?
Maddox: Yeah, but they didn't...they didn't even give this a chance. They released it in literally TWO theaters, and they're just swallowing millions of dollars that they invested in this because they -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, well, that's...that's called "opportunity cost." Like, you have a limited amount of theaters that you put your movies in, you pick the best ones that are gonna get...that are most likely to get commercial success.
Maddox: Right. You don't think it has anything to do with the fact that he shits on corporations?
Dick: I don't.
Maddox: Okay. Well, as a person who shits on corporations all the time, I'll tell you firsthand it's REALLY hard dealing with corporations, because they don't wanna work with me 'cause they know that I might shit on, uh, on their brand, on their image!
Dick: Yeah, well...
Maddox: They turn away from...advertisers turn away from people who are hostile towards corporations. And that's what that movie Idiocracy is, and that's why the BBC is able to create a show like Top Gear where they're not afraid of losing car sponsors.
Dick: What was that guy's name?
Maddox: That guy's name was...Magnus Olsson.
Dick: Magnus Olsson, go fuck yourself. I got some, uh, voicemails.
Dick: From the last show. Or did you have more to talk about?
Maddox: No, go...I mean, I have more comments, but go ahead.
Dick: Okay. [plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, hey Dick. Listen, Dick. I'm right there with you on the whole Top Gear thing.
Dick: Thank you.
Voicemail: I really am! But you don't have to be such a whiny bitch about it, okay? (Maddox laughs) Pop culture? It comes and goes! Try being an anime fan (Dick guffaws) and see how quickly your favorite series gets killed. Top Gear died, it happened. Just let it go, Dick. Goodbye. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: (yells) I'm not takin' life advice from someone who admits they're an anime fan.
Maddox: I'm an anime fan! (Dick scoffs)
Dick: Hoohoohoo, boy!
Dick: Well, I don't take advice from you anyway.
Maddox: You should! Maybe you should, man. Maybe Top Gear would still be on the air if you listened to me more. Um... (cracks up) I got a comment from Sophie Wood. She said, "Am I actually hearing Dick slagging off the BBC on behalf of the whole of England, just because he once banged a chick whose parents were too poor to pay the license fee?" (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Dick: Not once! I didn't ONCE bang that chick, I banged her a bunch.
Maddox: A bu-...okay. (laughs) Whoa! Uh, "And worse, he's doing it because they pulled a show he loves - THAT THE BBC FUCKING MADE - and he can't even see how retarded that is." (cracks up)
Dick: Mm. (annoyed)
Maddox: "This is how I defend the BBC." So... (stammers) Anyway man, she just goes on and on for paragraphs. I got another comment that was similar to that. Um, but Dick -
Dick: (interjects) You're better at shitting on my problem than you are at explaining your STUPID Vine Stars problem.
Maddox: Yeah, that's 'cause you kept cornering me with your straw man attacks, like into defending...into, uh -
Dick: (interjects) What's a straw man attack?
Maddox: - attacking Vine. You made me, uh...it made it sound like I was shitting on Vine, which I wasn't as a platform. In fact, I listened back to the last episode...
Dick: Me too.
Maddox: ...and I edited it. You know, I removed some parts, but there was no fewer than -
Sean: (interjects) I'm sure you did!
Dick: Yeah, I'm sure you did.
Maddox: Well, yeah! Because it was over 100...uh, an hour and 18 minutes! That's a long episode.
Dick: Ohhh, okay. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah, so I was trying to pare it down, and I removed some parts during that episode where...3 times during that episode I said, "I'm not attacking Vine; I'm attacking Vine STARS." Vine Stars is my problem that episode.
Dick: Yeah, you said that the platform is built to be condescending to the audience, or some...something like that. Or, uh, you said that the platform encourages the artist to be whatever towards the audience.
Maddox: It's a...it...the platform -
Dick: (interjects) So that's attacking the platform. That's why...I'm just explaining why I thought you were attacking the platform when you said, "THE PLATFORM DOES 'X'."
Maddox: No, I didn't say "the platform does 'x'." I believe I said that it discourages criticism. It's not a platform that encourages criticism for their creators, and because it's such a disposable platform they make it so easy to post and not easy to edit. That's why it's a disposable art form that nobody really puts enough time or effort into, to creating anything...
Dick: Have you ever used it?
Maddox: ...watchable. I've never used it, but I've watched a lot of Vines. Believe it or not, I've watched a lot of Vines -
Dick: (interjects) I stopped at "I've never used it," 'cause that invalidates everything you just said.
Maddox: Well, I've used it through other people's accounts. I don't have an account.
Maddox: Yeah, I've USED it.
Maddox: Yeah, I've used it with... (suddenly yells) Lots of friends, every time...every fuckin' 5 minutes, if someone's on Vine, they'll come up to you like, "Hey, uh, can you record me? I'm doin' this Vine." I'm like... (splutters) "WHAT?? What? What do you want me to do? What am I, just a fucking, uh..."
Maddox: What is that, a tripod?
Dick: A grip.
Maddox: Yeah, a prop??
Maddox: "What are you, objectifying me?" (laughs)
Dick: I got...you know what, I did get a lot of love from people from Scotland who felt that the BBC was biased...
Maddox: Well, there you go.
Dick: ...uh, against -- what do you mean, "here you go"?!
Maddox: I know what this is!!
Dick: So, THAT'S crazy. (yelling)
Maddox: Let's hear it!
Dick: The idea...what?? Go ahead!
Maddox: Your people from Scotland...
Dick: What? What do you know what it is? What do you know what it is?!
Maddox: Are you gonna talk about -
Dick: (interjects) Say it already!! Say it already.
Maddox: Are you gonna talk about Robinson and, uh, Salmond? How he misquoted him on...the Scottish first minister?
Maddox: Okay, sorry. Go ahead.
Dick: Okay. (Sean giggles in the background) The vote for Scotland to be independent was 45 percent "yes," 55 percent "no." Alright?
Dick: That's pretty...that's a pretty close race, you would say.
Dick: For a COUNTRY to be independent.
Dick: And they felt that the BBC had a biased...um, biased coverage of whether or not Scotland should be its own independent country! Robert Hall says, "I'm personally only interested in this due to the fact that I believe that if it weren't for the BBC's biased reporting that my country of Scotland would likely now be independent, governing itself with its own best interests at heart." That is...does that mean anything to you? That an institution funded by the government might have an interest in keeping an entire COUNTRY as part of the union?
Dick: Scotland. Scotland's part of the UK; they wanted to be off on their own.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. No, that's a good theory, Dick, except the BBC is NOT funded by the government. (Dick scoffs hysterically)
Dick: HA! So who collects the fee?!
Maddox: The BBC -
Dick: (interjects) Who are you afraid of paying...who are you afraid of when you have to pay the fee?
Maddox: The BBC has their own...
Dick: Nobody? (incredulous)
Maddox: ...internal investigation. They send out letters, and they say... (stammers) Honestly -
Dick: (interjects) Who are you afraid of?
Maddox: Dick, they have no enforcement. They just kind of keep people in check by these threatening letters, and last episode you talked about those, uh, those vans they send out? Those detection vans? It's all a myth. It's all bullshit. In fact, that guy -
Dick: (interjects) It's an ad campaign!
Maddox: That guy that you linked to? That @BanTheBBC Twitter account, whatever?
Maddox: I really read up on him, and I checked his videos and I checked all this stuff. You know, some of his gripes are legitimate, BUT, those va-
Dick: (interjects) Not mine, though.
Maddox: Those vans... (laughs with Sean) Those vans and those detecting kits are bogus. In fact, if they come to your door you can simply just say, "You're, uh...you can't come in," and then that's it! They can't force their way in, they can't DO anything. They have no authority.
Dick: So that's it? (skeptical)
Maddox: The government isn't behind the BBC! The BBC holds the government accountable. (Dick laughs derisively) And yeah, they're not perfect, and yeah, they might be biased sometimes, but guess what Dick?
Maddox: What's the alternative, Fox News? Look at corporate news! You think corporate news is better than this fee...fee-based news?
Dick: Shhh....shut the fuck up. (smiling)
Maddox: Okay! (laughing)
Dick: I'm SO sick of it.
Dick: I'm so sick of this shit.
Maddox: Well, uh -
Dick: (interjects) You're an idiot. (both laugh)
Maddox: Dick, I have a...I have a song to play. This was sent in by...
Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)
Maddox: ...Timothy J, or @tweetsecrete on Twitter.
Sean: Ew. (from the background)
Maddox: Um, he sent me this song. It's got... [plays "One of These Things Is Not Like The Other" spoof] ...kind of a long lead-in.
(upbeat '70s-sounding flute, xylophone and bass guitar)
Maddox: But, um...I think you'll dig this.
(Female singer: One of these things is not like the others...)
Dick: How long is the lead-in?
Maddox: About 20 seconds.
Dick: Ugh, that's a long lead-in.
Dick: 5 seconds tops with that.
(Female singer: ...one of these things doesn't belong.)
Maddox: Dick, you'll appreciate this, I think.
Maddox: This is a new take.
(Female singer: Can you tell which thing is not like the others...)
Dick: What is this song from?
Maddox: You said this back in Episode 30. Listen to this.
(Female singer: ...before I finish my song?)
(Female singer: Now, I'm gonna sing. You look.)
[clip from Episode 30 starts; music continues in background]
Maddox: I read a lot of different news sources.
Dick: Like what?
Maddox: Like the BBC...I read right-wing -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, that's...yeah, they're good.
Maddox: Yeah, BBC's really good!
Dick: Yeah. I'll give you that one.
[Episode 30 clip fades out]
[clip from Episode 46 starts]
Dick: How much censor-...how much censorship would it take on the part of the BBC for you to see it as a problem?
(audience laugh track)
Maddox: And this was the last episode.
Dick: Lemme ask you that.
Maddox: If there was censorship -
Dick: (interjects) Any!
[clip fades out; different clip from Episode 46 starts playing]
Maddox: So this sounds like a lot of, uh...what was it, sour pussies? Sour grapes for, uh...just 'cause they canceled your show, Dick.
Dick: I got it! (annoyed)
Dick: No, I think they're a bad...I think they're a legitimately bad organization.
[clip fades out]
Dick: You understand...you understand that I only started looking into it when Top Gear got killed.
(music still playing in background)
Maddox: That's it?
Dick: Yeah, I didn't know all this. That licensing fee shit was a surprise to me.
Maddox: So you didn't have a problem with them before they canceled the Top Gear show?
Dick: I didn't know what they were all about, Maddox! I figured it was just a channel like the rest of them. I didn't know how it worked over there.
Maddox: But you had a positive... (cracks up at singer's goofy voice) This fuckin' song.
Dick: (screams) YOU KNOW WHAT?? (Maddox laughs hysterically) [song fades out] You know what I love about these Dick Versus...these chickenshit, nutless Dick Versus Dick out-of-context horseshit bits that you do? You're like a FUCKIN' child...you're like a fuckin' child busting your dad's balls. That's what this is!! It's SUCH horseshit!
Maddox: (applause sound effect) Yeeeah. Oh, man.
Dick: FUCK you!!
Maddox: (baby laugh sound effect)
Sean: He's got a vein goin' too now!
Dick: (still screaming) OH MY GOD!! (Maddox laughs more) I'm SO PISSED OFF!!!
Sean: I can see it! (laughing)
Dick: I'M SO PISSED OFF BECAUSE THERE'S NO TOP GEAR!!! IT RELAXED ME!! For two months every year the Top Gear...just it existing would bring my blood pressure down, and I don't have it! I don't know what to do!!! (Maddox laughs more) I CAN'T JERK OFF ENOUGH TIMES IN A DAY TO GET RID OF THIS RAGE!
Maddox: Ohhh, man. It's just that and alcohol, the only two things that calm you down. (smiling) (Dick exhales frustratedly)
Dick: Uh...a hot chick agreed with me in the comments though. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay, what'd she say?
Dick: Uh, Ca-...Callie...Callie Corov-..."The BBC problem really IS a problem." Then she went on but I stopped reading it. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Hot chick agrees with you, you win, as far as I'm concerned.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: I got another...I got somethin' else here. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): (monotonous voice) Hey yo Maddox, what's goin' on? This is Chad. I'm an editor at Men's Fitness Magazine. How's it goin', bro?
Maddox: Oh. (laughs)
Voicemail: I understand that you're in fact the inventor of leg day. ..
Voicemail: ...and I gotta tell you man, I was blown away (Maddox and Sean giggle) when I heard your lower body routine: squats, and then more squats, and then nothing else. (everyone laughs) It just really revolutionized leg day at the gym.
Dick: Yeah, it would! (grinning)
Voicemail: Uh, we'd like to work with you on an article for our... (inaudible under Dick and Maddox laughing) You can reach me at 866-...Dick, go fuck yourself.
Dick: (screams) Ahhh, DAMMIT!!! DAMMIT. (Maddox still laughing) What did you -
Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of Angelo's Mom saying, "This guy is stupid!")
Dick: What did you do those squats with? 50- or 100-pound weights? Was that what you said? (cracking up)
Maddox: Dude, I do a lot...I do a lot of, uh, leg exercises. I ride my bike everywhere.
Dick: I just want the list 'cause I can...I can rattle 'em off no problem, 'cause I DO them.
Maddox: (yells) I don't know the name! You know trivia, yeah!
Dick: Okay, how do you brush your teeth?
Maddox: With a toothbrush.
Dick: No, just do the steps of brushing your teeth.
Maddox: I grab the toothbrush and put toothpaste on it...
Dick: There you go!
Maddox: ...and then put it in my mouth.
Dick: You can rattle it off, 'cause it's something that you do regularly.
Maddox: Okay. (smiles)
Dick: You can't rattle off a leg day 'cause you don't do it!
Maddox: Here's leg day. (yells) Dick, uh, I don't need...I don't need disparaging remarks from Toothpick Legs over here! I do leg...I am the INVENTOR of leg day!
Dick: Excuse me?!?
Dick: "Toothpick Legs"?!
Maddox: Yeah, I... (cracks up)
Dick: Look at the size of these thighs, Maddox! You could roast this thigh and eat for two weeks off of this thigh.
Maddox: Yeah, two MINUTES. Two minutes, maybe. Uh, Dick, if you're such a leg day guy, how come you can't even keep up on a bike?
Dick: On a bike?
Dick: 'Cause I don't ever do it! (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Dick: I don't ever ride a bike.
Maddox: Don't you think that's part of a leg routine, is to be able to do -
Dick: (interjects) First of all, I...first of all, when you and I went biking that one time -
Maddox: (snickers) One time.
Dick: - you gave me a busted-ass bike to use.
Maddox: Oh, really? (sarcastic)
Dick: That was not... (stammers) I think that was a chick's bike.
Maddox: Ohhh! (taunting)
Dick: That was not a real bike.
Dick: Secondly, I bike for an entire week at Burning Man, no problem.
Dick: So, have you ever biked for an entire week? No!
Dick: No, you haven't! You haven't.
Maddox: I bike for months, Dick. Yeah, at Burning Man when you're high outta your gourd and you're riding around in the desert with sand and you're not really going anywhere.
Dick: And drunk!
Maddox: (cracks up) And drunk, so you can't even...okay. (dismissively)
Dick: So I'm IMPAIRED and I'm still doing it.
Maddox: Well, based on the testimony of a drunk, I guess you win this argument. Um, I got one more comment -
Dick: (interjects) That's all I got.
Maddox: I got an email from this guy...I'm not gonna say his name because he might get in trouble, but he says, "Maddox, the problem is worse than you imagined." He's talkin' about Vine Stars. He says, "I work at a Pittsburgh area hotel, and Vine star Carter Reynolds held a 'concert'..." -- and he put that in quotes -- "...at my property. I have seen hell, Maddox. First of all, this arrogant motherfucker had the nerve to charge 75 dollars for admission, or around 125 dollars for a VIP ticket. Parents also had to pay to go. Now remember, this is a hotel ballroom for a Vine star. I've paid similar amounts to see Depeche Mode live." I'm sorry about that, actually. Um, "The parents were miserable, the kids were annoying, and Carter himself seemed shocked and insulted when I had no idea who he was and didn't want an autographed picture." (Dick laughs)
Dick: And *didn't* want one?
Maddox: No, he didn't want one 'cause he's like, "Who the fuck is this guy?" So, uh -
Dick: (interjects) Who offered him one?
Maddox: (stammers) The guy!
Maddox: Carter, yeah!
Dick: (cracks up) "Hey, do you want an autographed picture with me?" And he said no?
Maddox: Yeah, he's like, "No, I don't...I don't - "
Dick: (interjects) He's gonna sign the phone? (incredulous)
Maddox: "I don't care." Yeah, he's like, "I don't...I don't want a picture. What are you, kidding me? I don't want some, like, fuckin' 12-year-old's picture."
Dick: That sounds weird, yeah.
Maddox: So I looked up this guy Carter Reynolds; he has somethin' like 8.4 million followers on Vine. This kid makes a healthy living just doing Vine stuff, and he goes around the country doing tours and stuff. I have not heard of this guy, and even when I was at that age where I would be kind of familiar with certain Vine stars or, uh, teen idols? You know, like on Tiger Beat Magazine...
Maddox: ...and Teen Bop and all those things?
Dick: Yeah, we all know...we're all familiar with those. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Of course. Which I still occasionally buy now, for research. But, uh... (laughs with Dick)
Sean: I think Seventeen is the least biased.
Maddox: The least...?
Sean: The least biased.
Dick: The least biased news source?
Maddox: The least biased? Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, I agree with you. They should get a big subsidy check too.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, maybe when they create your favorite show Top Gear you can shit on them for canceling it. Um...so this guy, this Carter Reynolds guy -
Dick: (interjects) Top Seventeens? I would watch THAT show.
Maddox: He seems like... (cracks up) (Sean laughs in the background) Well, there you go! They have a magazine for that. It's Barely Legal. Um...
Dick: Ahh. (amused)
Maddox: This guy...doesn't even seem like he has the amount of celebrity to match up to the, uh, the worst of the best back in the day on Kid Bop, Tiger Beat Magazine, whatever.
Maddox: Nobody...NOOOBODY has heard of this guy, except for apparently all these little fuckin' 13-year-old girls.
Dick: Well, they're people.
Maddox: Yeah. (flatly)
Dick: Is that it??
Maddox: Yeah! (Dick stammers in protest) He's just reinforcing how entitled, what an entitled shithead...this guy thinks he's so high and mighty. He's just, like, offering you an autograph? No thanks.
Dick: Oh, so what? I got one from Mateo, uh...Hrastnik. "Maddox drives like a samurai - an Asian from the 8th century who never saw a car." (Maddox laughs) That's true.
Maddox: Yeah, you dipshit. I'm talkin' about the samurai ethos, not an actual living samurai.
Dick: Johnny Davis says, "Isn't comparing pure length of work as a metric stupid? I mean, that's like saying some dude who has written millions of words in Twilight fanfic is a better writer than Harper Lee." That's true.
Maddox: Yeah, that's true. That's a good point.
Dick: That's your argument for Vine Stars though, why they're so stupid 'cause their works are short.
Maddox: Dick, that's not why the...that wasn't my main argument for why Vine Stars were obnoxious.
Dick: Oh, it's 'cause -- yeah.
Maddox: But I will cede that point; it's, uh, it's irrelevant how much an auth-...
Dick: Alright, I... (sighs exasperatedly)
Maddox: ...a creator produces.
Dick: I'm sick of summing up this past shit.
Maddox: Great! Let's move on. What's your problem, Dick?
Dick: My problem today?
Dick: "Wash me."
Dick: "Wash me."
Maddox: What is -
Dick: (interjects) In quotes, "wash me." You know what that is? "Wash me." What does it conjure up in your mind?
Maddox: Like when someone writes with their finger on a dirty car, "wash me."
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: That's what you're talkin' about?
Dick: Yeah. So I got out of my car... (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: M'kay. (laughs)
Dick: Just... (everyone laughs)
Maddox: Another problem you thought of on the way in!
Dick: Just now on the way in. (grinning)
Dick: And I see that some asshole has drawn a cock on the dust on the hood of my car!
Sean: There's another one of YOU running around? (Maddox giggles)
Dick: Do you wanna see...? Sean! (annoyed) Already??
Sean: You have a doppelganger. (Maddox laughs more)
Dick: Do you wanna see the picture of this cock that someone drew on my car?
Maddox: Yeah, let's see it.
Dick: Motherfuckers. (under his breath) Look at this cock! (shows Maddox photo) (Maddox laughs hysterically) Not only...so not only is the cock short... (goes to show Sean) You see this? (Sean laughs loudly in the background) Alright, yeah. Thank you, Sean. Not only is the cock short -- it's the same size as the balls -- either that is a short cock or it's a limp cock, both of which I'm offended by that someone would draw this on the dust on my car. (Maddox still giggling) SECONDLY...secondly, they put the pee-hole in AND the head! (yelling)
Dick: So they really...'cause you do one or the other if you're drawing a cock, right?
Dick: Either the pee-hole...
Maddox: Or the head.
Dick: ...or the line for the head.
Maddox: Yeah. (smiles)
Dick: This guy has done both, so he really sat there taking his time like a serial killer drawing a cock on the hood of my car. (angrily)
Maddox: This guy's an experienced cock-drawer! What does he, just run around town drawin' cocks on people's cars? Um... (sighs) Yeah, that's a lot of attention to detail for a little cock drawing on your...on your car.
Dick: A man's car is his home.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: He's defacing my home.
Dick: He's basically just gone into my home and thrown shit everywhere. (Maddox sighs) Writing "fart" on the wall, drawing cocks everywhere?
Maddox: Uh, Dick, I have some breaking news for you.
Dick: What? (snapping)
Maddox: *I* drew that cock on your car. (cracks up)
Dick: (screams) WHAT?!? (Maddox and Sean laugh) (sighs angrily) Maddox, you dickless piece of shit.
Maddox: (applause sound effect) (giggles hysterically)
Dick: You drew a cock on my car?!
Maddox: ('ding'! sound effect)
Dick: You motherfucker!
Dick: You know that scratches the paint?
Maddox: That's me! I did it very lightly so it didn't scratch the paint. That's why -
Dick: (interjects) I don't think you CAN do anything lightly.
Maddox: That's why...no no, I did, I did. That's why I didn't draw a *giant* cock on your car, 'cause I was like, "Well, I'll scratch the paint." And I did that little, uh... (suddenly yells) And I drew that like two weeks ago!! You finally found it?
Dick: Yeah. (surly) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I drew that...yeah, I drew that like two weeks ago! I think you were on a date.
Dick: So I've been driving around with a cock on my car for TWO WEEKS?!
Maddox: A small cock.
Dick: You motherfucker! Are you serious?? (seething)
Maddox: That was me! (giggling)
Dick: I wanna fuckin' strangle you right now.
Maddox: Yeah, well, there's a table in the way. (everyone laughs)
Dick: Yeah, um...well, why doesn't someone draw a cock on your fuckin' face?
Maddox: Yeah. You know, that actually happened to me! I went to Mexico... (Sean bursts out laughing in the background)
Dick: Good! Good.
Maddox: Nonono, not my...not my face. Not my face, not my face. My car!
Dick: Everyone, if you have the opportunity, draw a cock on Maddox's face.
Maddox: (yells) I draw the cocks, buddy! People come to my book signings and they wait in line for me to draw cocks on them. You're welcome!! That... (cracks up) That cock is valuable! You could sell...that improved the cost of your car, I bet!
Dick: NO. It didn't.
Maddox: That and the Persian racing rims. (grinning) Yeah. So I, uh, I went to -
Dick: (interjects) Now I got TWO Persian works of art on my car. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: (baby laugh sound effect) Dick, I went to Mexico about, um...I wanna say about 4 years ago. I parked my car -- I drive down to Mexico, drive through Tijuana, go down like 45 minutes south...
Maddox: ...and I park my car at this hotel resort thing, right? It's a guarded hotel, it's in Mexico, there's not a lot of Americans down there 'cause this is the height of the drug scare and everyone's a fucking pussy, so I'm goin' down there and just reaping the benefits of everyone being a coward!
Maddox: So I'm havin' a good time down there, right?
Dick: Always an angle.
Maddox: Yeah. (both laugh)
Dick: Always somehow, you're better than everyone.
Maddox: Yeah, of course. (grinning)
Dick: Yeah. Go ahead.
Maddox: So I'm there...I'm there for a couple days, and I come out to my car at some point expecting the worst. I'm like, "Oh..." It was the first time I'm in Mexico driving down; I'm expecting my car to be broken into, whatever. It wasn't! It was a safe resort, everything was fine. However, someone had written in the dust in my car, "U..." -- the letter 'U'...
Maddox: "...R..." -- the letter 'R' -- "...GAY." (Dick cackles) Giant "U R GAY" on my back window!
Dick: Fuck that person!
Maddox: Yeah!! And, and... (stammers)
Dick: Literally. (Maddox laughs) You should find them, track them down and say, "Yeah, I'll show you who's gay!"
Maddox: What if it's a hot chick?
Maddox: That's a win-win!
Dick: Yeah. (sexy tone)
Maddox: Yeah? The hot chick gets laid? (smiles)
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah, man! Um -
Dick: (interjects) That would even be a worse punishment coming from you.
Maddox: What, the uh...?
Dick: Getting lai-...the hot chick getting banged by you.
Maddox: No, that's a reward, buddy.
Dick: Okay. (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah. That's the ultimate reward. If I held a contest, that's the implied reward every time.
Dick: You know, now I get why this cock is so small! (Maddox laughs) 'Cause you...that's what you think a cock looks like when you drew it, didn't you?
Maddox: A 3-centimeter one! (Dick laughs) We discussed that last episode. Anyway Dick, is that your problem? Do you have any stats? Or any... (cracks up) Anything other...?
Dick: Yeah, 100 percent of my cars have cocks on them. (Maddox giggles more) "Wash me," it's not funny! It's not funny, it's not...'cause now I have to go wash my car!! And I'm not going to, so I'm gonna be driving around for weeks with a COCK on my car, still.
Maddox: Little cock. (wryly) Yeah, well, that's uh...that's a shame, Dick. Yeah, get that -
Dick: (interjects) An eye for an eye is not strong enough for this.
Dick: You need...this is a cock for a cock. You've, you've... (Maddox laughs) You've opened up a Pandora's cock box. A cock of...a can of cocks.
Maddox: A dick in a box.
Dick: This is a cock war!
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: I'm gonna get you back for this.
Sean: This is a guy who drew dicks on every one of the pages of my brother's French book when they went to school together.
Sean: Like a brand new French book, and he's like, "I gotta turn this in!"
Dick: Oh, yeah. I did do that. (smiles)
Sean: (laughing) He drew di-...fuckin' dicks on every one of the pages.
Maddox: Sounds like someone drew a big pile of karma on your car, Dick. (laughs)
Sean: So what I'm...no, what I'm saying is...
Dick: God dammit, they did.
Sean: What I'm saying is, you might be in for it.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, you know what?
Dick: (interjects) We were out at lunch...you know, me and the gang from high school, and I found a French workbook in the back of my friend's car.
Dick: And I knew it was his and that it would have to be turned in, so I drew...I went through the French workbook (cracks up) and drew dicks on ALL of the...you know how they're always like, "Oh, vous je voulais, uhh..."
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: "Uh, je voudrais, uh, some...a sandwich."
Dick: Or something, and they got the little drawings of the people interacting?
Dick: So I went and drew cocks on all the guys and all the women in every pose, like, of their interactions. (giggles)
Maddox: That's hilarious.
Dick: And he...we got back from lunch and he grabs his books to go to class and he's like, "Uh, Dick, what the fuck?! I have to turn this in!!" And I'm like, "Yeah, that's why it's...that's why I did it!" (Maddox laughs loudly) "Yes, I know!"
Maddox: Ahh, that's hilarious. Well Dick, uh, sounds like -
Dick: (interjects) (shouts) But it's not funny when it happens to me!!
Maddox: No. (Sean giggles in the background)
Dick: That's the point!
Maddox: Okay. Of course. (grins) Well...
Dick: You're in for it, buddy.
Maddox: It's a dick war, you're on! Dick war -
Dick: (interjects) Oh yeah, you're...it's a dick war alright.
Maddox: Alright. (giggles) Ah, you're goin' on...you're steppin' into the ring with the best. The best of the best.
Dick: Oh, you are standing on the edge of the dick abyss, my friend. (smiles)
Maddox: (yells) DICK -
Dick: (interjects) And the dick abyss is staring back into you.
Maddox: Oh, really??
Maddox: You're looking into the pee-hole of the dick that's gonna fuck you! You...okay, right now -
Dick: (interjects) You're the hurricane of dicks and I'm looking into the hole? (cracking up)
Maddox: You're lookin' into the pee-hole of the hurricane of dicks that's coming your way.
Dick: Uh-huh. (sneering)
Maddox: A fuckin' TORRENT of dicks! You have no idea, Dick.
Maddox: True or false? True or false: I have at least 20 pictures of dicks on my phone right now. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Dick: Probably more!
Maddox: Yeah, probably more!! That's absolutely true. I've been doing this for fucking 20 years! (yelling)
Maddox: I've been sending dick pics to people.
Dick: ...I have a record for "most dicks drawn in a minute." (smug)
Maddox: I don't know about that!
Dick: That is a real record that I set in high school.
Maddox: Oh yeah? (laughs)
Dick: 72 dicks drawn in one minute! You have no idea. I can...I'm so fast, I could draw dicks...before you can even count to 3, I could draw...I could draw 100 dicks all over the place. Like Muhammed Ali.
Maddox: Okay, Dicasso. You got anything else? (Sean laughing in the background)
Dick: No, go ahead.
Maddox: We, uh, we goin' here? Alright.
Dick: What's your...what's your stupid old man problem this week? (Maddox laughs) What are the kids doing that's pissed you off? (smiles)
Maddox: Guardians of the Galaxy!
Dick: Oh, here we go! (scoffing)
Dick: One of the greatest movies...
Maddox: Ohh. (disdainful)
Dick: ...of this decade!
Maddox: Boo. ('boo' sound effect)
Dick: A movie so good that I went home and immediately pirated it so I could watch it again. (Maddox chuckles) What do you have against that?
Maddox: Well, you uh, you liked this movie so much that you wanna support it by pirating it. Not that it matters, it made so much money. Um, Dick, it's stupid. It's a stupid, simple movie...
Dick: Oh, man. (under his breath)
Maddox: ...for stupid, simple people. So maybe that's why you like it! I don't know, Dick, I've called you simple in the past. (cracks up)
Dick: You just don't understand love. It's a love story. It's a space opera...
Maddox: Oh yeah? (sarcastic)
Dick: ...it's a love story, and you don't understand love.
Maddox: No, I understand it. That's why I hate it! See, I understand the threat, the fear... (Dick laughs) ...that I have for love.
Dick: That's not understanding. (giggling) Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah, it's VERY understanding. Almost everything about this movie is wrong, poorly thought-out, derivative, unfunny, arbitrary, or tired. Right? That's not to say that the entire movie is shit! Like, there...it had its moments. There were a few good parts, like undigested corn in actual shit.
Maddox: You know, like...if you're gonna eat shit, the only part you have to look forward to is the corn.
Dick: Oh, I see.
Maddox: I'd IMAGINE.
Maddox: Yeah, it is gross. (chuckling) It IS gross. It's a very apt analogy for this movie. Buncha shit with corn in it.
Dick: Are you gonna go through all those one by one? All those accusations you just laid?
Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah! I'm going through...I'm laying out a tapestry here, Dick, and I'm starting...
Maddox: It's my thesis!
Maddox: (chuckles) No, it's not a crapestry, it's a TAPESTRY. I'm laying out my thesis and I'm gonna go into detail for every single one of those accusations. And there's no better place to start than the beginning, and I'll explain why this deserves to be on the list of the biggest problems in the universe. The movie starts out with some kid that I immediately don't like because he seems like a spoiled, disinterested asshole. You know? So you remember the first scene of the movie, Dick?
Dick: Yeah, when the kid's mom is dying of, like, cancer or something?
Dick: He seems like a disinterested asshole? (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah! The kid's mom is dying of cancer and what's he doing? He's sitting there listening to his Walkman! Couldn't be more disinterested.
Dick: He looks sullen and unable to cope with the tragedy that's about to happen!
Maddox: He looks -
Dick: (interjects) That's a very moving scene!
Maddox: He looks BORED!
Dick: (groans) Ughhh. Ay ay ay!
Maddox: He looks like a bored, disinterested asshole! (yelling over Dick)
Dick: That scene needed "what this kid is feeling" subtitles, I think. This is...that's not disinterested. (disdainful)
Maddox: He seemed bored. He was sittin' there fiddling with his Walkman. Hey asshole, your mom is dying! These are her last moments on Earth. How about taking off the fucking headphones and listening to what she has to say? It might be important! It might be about your father who's half alien, you fucking idiot!!
Dick: Ahh, that's...okay. Go ahead.
Dick: It's a...he's a kid. (growling)
Maddox: Oh, HE'S half alien. So-
Dick: (interjects) He's a kid!!
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: He's a KID.
Maddox: (stammers) Oh, kid. Okay. So he's -
Dick: (interjects) Hard to deal with things like that.
Maddox: Sorry, man! Sorry this kid's not infallible, I guess. Then... (laughs) Then when she finally dies, he loses his shit and then runs outside where he's abducted by aliens.
Dick: Yeah, exciting!
Maddox: Oh, okay! That's what...out of fucking nowhere, plot point!! Aliens come down -- this is like the first minute...what, 60 seconds of the movie? He runs outside from a hospital from this very, like, dramatic scene, and they don't explain anything! Just aliens come down from the sky and just... (stammers) Sure, fuck it!
Dick: Did you not understand what was happening?
Maddox: Yeah!! Aliens abducted him, apparently!
Dick: There you go!
Maddox: Oh, great! Yeah, I mean, why not? Sure, have him fuckin' be abducted by aliens after witnessing his mother die of cancer. How...why -
Dick: (interjects) Get him into space!
Maddox: Why stop there, Dick? Why not have him stumble upon a seance and just talk to spirits? I mean, why not just have him discover Bigfoot or win a lottery while we're at it, since random fucking things just happen to him for no reason in this universe.
Dick: It's a...it's a pretty specific thing, though, that sets up the rest of the movie.
Maddox: Oh, I understand!
Dick: Like, random things don't happen for the rest...one random thing starts a story, like finding a cock on your car. (Maddox laughs) That starts a series of events that escalates in a huge dick war!
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: One random thing is good to start a story.
Maddox: Very satisfying closure to that dick war story.
Dick: Ohohohoho, you have no idea.
Maddox: Oh, bring it buddy. (smiles) Yeah man, so I went back and I thought, "That's such a weird thing," and I guess there was a little bit of foreshadowing 'cause his mom said, "Your father will come down from the heavens like light" or whatever, so it's kinda metaphorical. It's a throwaway line. That ONE line in the movie sets up the entire fucking movie, that plot, where aliens just come down and abduct him? Are you fucking kidding me? They don't explain...and then guess what? The next scene is 26 years later!
Maddox: Okay! Well, I guess this guy was just abducted by aliens! They don't explain his upbringing, they don't explain how...who raised him, and apparently later on in the movie we find out it's just a bunch of fuckin' space pirates. These, like, marauders raised this child. Sure! He has no issues. He's just totally fine, well-adjusted and affable -
Dick: (interjects) He's not well-adjusted!
Maddox: What's not well-adjusted about him?
Dick: Uh, he's a criminal! He's like a bounty hunter criminal that, uh...what do you mean, "what's not well-adjusted about him"? He's a scumbag.
Maddox: He's a treasure hunter. (Dick laughs)
Dick: No, he's a scumbag!!
Maddox: Yeah. He's a criminal like Indiana Jones was a criminal. Was Indiana Jones a criminal?
Maddox: Was he, uh... (cracks up) Okay.
Dick: He almost got his dick cut off in, like, Madagascar. Remember that one?
Dick: When they were gonna cut off his hand and he's like, "Well, it wasn't my hand, but let's not talk about that." (grins)
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Real funny line. (sarcastic)
Dick: Yeah, it was!
Maddox: So yeah, then uh... (sighs) So then we get to the first plot point of the movie, uh, in Guardians. He goes to some planet to get some super powerful orb that's sought after by everyone in the fucking universe, apparently! Everyone wants this orb!
Maddox: "Ohh! Oh god, this orb, this orb!" Yet somehow it's just sitting there out in the open in some unguarded cave where NOBODY detected it for years, and then suddenly when a fucking dipshit hero shows up, this...this other group of bandits shows up RIGHT at the same time. Coincidence! I guess they were tracking him, right?
Maddox: Because they knew...they knew that he would find the orb somehow.
Dick: Well, that's exactly what Belloq did!
Maddox: Who? What's...what's Belloq?
Dick: Belloq, the bad guy from Raiders of the Lost Ark?
Dick: Tracked Indiana Jones, 'cause he knew Indiana Jones could figure out where the thing was, so he was like, "Well, I'll just track this asshole and when he gets it I'll take it from him."
Maddox: Oho. (chuckling)
Dick: That's a classic bad guy move!!
Maddox: So you're saying...so, thank you Dick! Thank you for bringing that up, because you just helped make the case that this movie's derivative of Indiana Jones.
Dick: (shouts) That's...that's real life!
Maddox: Oh really, real life? At what other point in life do we send scouts to follow an explorer, like the people who discovered King Tut's tomb? Do we send, like, bad guys who are sittin' there -- "Okay, as soon as they discover it, we're going to pounce." No, because in real -
Dick: (interjects) Cops do that all the time!! Cops send in little bad guys to catch big bad guys. It's how we hunt!
Maddox: Yeah, but that's...they're working in cooperation with the cops.
Maddox: They're not just, like, finding some random dude.
Dick: Not always!
Maddox: Well, they...look man, they might have moles in the forest. That's what you're talkin' about?
Dick: No, I'm talking about they look where drugs are going, they follow the drug dealers back to where they're congregating, and then that's where they start the -- whatever. I don't wanna derail your Guardians of the Galaxy rant. Please continue.
Maddox: Yeah Dick, the only difference is these aren't drugs, and these guys are just...uh, based on what, a hunch? Well, you know what? The fact that we have to debate this so much tells you how poorly the movie's written, because we don't know! We don't know.
Dick: No, it says that you're fuckin' crazy, but go...go ahead.
Maddox: Okay. Alright. (sneering) So yeah, anyway, he goes into this unguarded cave where nobody has detected it for years, and yet somehow Quill...that's his name, right? Peter Quill?
Maddox: Star... (scoffs) Oh, Star-Lord, oh fuck! (mocking)
Dick: Yeeeah. Star-Lord, man. (smiles)
Maddox: Oh, excuse me all to fuck. Um, it's -
Dick: (interjects) Get it right.
Maddox: Yeah, STAR-LORD... (Dick giggles) ...uh, gets... (cracks up) The most original, creative name, by the way. Star-Lord goes to this cave, and suddenly just detects it. We have no explanation as to how he knows, why he knows, and suddenly he just finds it. And it has...this orb has the Infinity Stone in it.
Maddox: Which is a big pile of WHATEVER. Uh, it's -
Dick: (interjects) Why do you need all this shit explained? Like, how long...in your movie, how long would it take to get to this point? You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: You -
Dick: (interjects) Like, you're saying none of this is explained. Like, good! I'm so sick of explaining everything in movies. Just get to it. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Okay. (dismissively)
Dick: (yells) Spiderman's got spider powers! I don't need to see him getting bitten by a radioactive spider 600 times!! He's just a guy that shoots jizz out of his fingers and swings around on buildings! (Sean laughs in the background) Great, got it. Go fight bad guys.
Maddox: Yeah, that's because Spiderman and Superman are ubiquitous. Guardians of the Galaxy is like, "Who? What?" Nobody fucking knows Guardians of the Galaxy except for deep-trenched comic book nerds who have read the Infinity Stone series. What's the, uh...The Infinity Wars?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: They read that and they...it's got the tie-in with Guardians of the Galaxy. (Dick laughs) Guardians of the Galaxy's not a well-known property like Spiderman. It wasn't at least before this movie came out.
Dick: So they don't...but they still didn't explain any of this!
Maddox: No, they didn't explain it.
Dick: 'Cause it was a good movie! They told it visually.
Maddox: It's not a good movie. (Dick scoffs) Uh, I'll tell you why people liked it though. So these Infinity Gems -- these Infinity Stones, whatever.
Maddox: It's like Kryptonite for the Marvel Universe, except there are six of them. You know, Kryptonite's some mystical stone that has some fucking arbitrary power. I hate in comic books, and I hate in comic book stories, when they imbue some mystical stone with some mystical property, because it is SUCH an arbitrary, contrived plot device. Totally arbitrary, totally contrived. And everyone's just searching for this mystical stone.
Dick: I don't know if I think it's so arbitrary.
Maddox: What's not arbitrary about it?
Dick: Like, they're...I think they're interesting metaphors. Well, the Infinity Stones specifically, they're... (stammers) Sean, I'm...do you know anything about Infinity Stones?
Sean: I can't say that I do.
Maddox: Yeah, 'cause Sean...yeah.
Dick: Okay. So in the Marvel Universe, in the entire cosmos in the universe or whatever, there's these, like, seven stones?
Dick: Six stones, and they all represent a different part of...the universe. There's like a power stone, a time stone, and like a soul stone -- they're like Captain Planet's rings. You remember Captain Planet?
Sean: Yeah, but these are in all the different comics that Marvel does?
Dick: Yeah, it's like the one thing that binds the whole universe together.
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: I think it's interesting!
Maddox: It was contrived to sell comics. They were trying to make a big crossover, a big comic thing.
Dick: Yeah... (skeptical)
Maddox: Yeah, great.
Dick: You hate that! You just hate the idea of...of that.
Maddox: No, I don't. I found the comic books kind of interesting to read.
Maddox: I read the, uh...parts of the story of The Infinity Wars, but it wasn't...it's just, it's contrived. Let's not deny that it was contrived. It's a contrived plot device.
Dick: How is it contrived?
Maddox: It's just...okay, it's like, "Superman needs a weakness." "Welp, there's this STONE that makes him weak!"
Dick: Yeah, but it's from his home planet. It's not realistic. It's like a piece of his home planet hurts him and kills him. It's a metaphor! Like, it's interesting...the reason that it's lasted for 50 years, or 80 years, is because there's an element of magic in it that speaks to us as humans.
Dick: That pieces of his home planet KILL him.
Maddox: Wow. (flatly)
Dick: And his whole thing is that he has no home!
Dick: Like, he doesn't fit in!
Dick: That's why it resonates with people. Do you und-...do you see what I'm saying?
Maddox: Do you think adopted kids have no home too, Dick?
Dick: I think that -
Maddox: (interjects) Because that's a really a metaphor for adoption. Superman.
Dick: It's not a metaphor for adoption! It's about not fitting in, and I do...I would IMAGINE adopted kids do feel some sense of not belonging, whether or not they're happy or not. They feel something that I can't identify with, I'm SURE.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, that's a beautifully-said soliloquy, except that Kryptonite is everywhere in the Superman universe. (Dick sighs exasperatedly) It's not just on his home planet; it's on Earth, their entire planet's made outta Kryptonite, there are asteroids with Kryptonite, there's Kryptonite in the bottom of the ocean, there's Kryptonite in mountains...there's fuckin' Kryptonite everywhere, they're makin' it in laboratories, Kryptonite's everywhere! (yelling) Oh, it's a piece of his home? You know what's a real weakness for Superman? This is a missed opportunity in the Superman movie, which I FUCKING hated. I'll bring that in as a problem sometime. But there was a scene where he...where the bad guy...uh, who was it? Uh...
Dick: Lex Luthor?
Maddox: No no, it wasn't Lex Luthor. In the latest Superman movie it was the Emperor...er, the General Zod, I think?
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: There was a scene where he was threatening to eradicate Superman's memories...
Maddox: ...and then there was another opportu-...there was another part where Lois Lane was in danger. It would -
Dick: (interjects) That's Superman's other weakness. Pussy.
Maddox: Exact-...that's... (both laugh) That's his REAL weakness, right? It would have been interesting if instead of this arbitrary Kryptonite that they just invented, his weakness would've been "save your father's memories, or save Lois Lane's life."
Maddox: Instead of doing that, they just had the memories just be arbitrarily destroyed, like by a missile or the plane crash or somethin' like that, AND he also saved Lois. So this opportunity to show a true, genuine weakness for Superman, this one man who's basically infallible -- he's immortal -- they could have shown that you have to make a decision and give him a real human consequence, and they didn't do that because they have Kryptonite! That's why the stupid gems are arbitrary.
Dick: Yeah, but that's...that's poor writing. Like, I... (Maddox splutters and laughs) But I thought that -
Maddox: (interjects) There you go! That's my point!
Dick: No. The devi-...the idea of the things can be used well or it can be used poorly. That's an example of where the thing is used poorly. But go...go on.
Maddox: Yeah. (sneering)
Dick: I don't wanna slow you down.
Maddox: Sure. Um, so another thing that bugged me in the movie -
Dick: (interjects) We're only in the first 5 minutes of the movie. (chuckling)
Maddox: I know. Yeah, already I have so many problems with it. Um, he's still listening to his Walkman 26 years later on those double-A batteries. Where's he finding double-A batteries in this universe?
Dick: Anywhere! (Maddox snickers) A double-A battery's easy to make.
Maddox: Oh. Oh, is it? (amused)
Dick: Yeah, it's one-and-a-half fuckin' volts. You think he's screaming around the cosmos and he can't figure out how to put one-and-a-half volts in a cylinder that's as long as this cock you drew on my car? (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Yeah. (cracking up) Yeah, this -
Dick: (interjects) I think he could figure that...I think he could knock that one out.
Maddox: This kid -
Dick: (interjects) Pretty handily.
Maddox: This kid who was abducted by aliens, who is so smart and intuitive that he couldn't even tell...his dying mother is sitting there and might die at any minute, he's sittin' there listening to his fuckin' pop songs. (yells) This kid, this moron, this dumbass who couldn't even take a few minutes to talk to his dying mother? THAT guy figured out how to make batteries? Fuck you!
Dick: He's a kid. (Maddox laughs) Kids do that. (smiles)
Maddox: He's a kid -
Dick: (interjects) Kids do that!
Maddox: Kids what, make batteries?
Dick: They don't know how to cope!!
Maddox: Okay. (dismissively)
Dick: With...ugh. (scoffing)
Maddox: GREAT. Then -
Dick: (interjects) I would love to see YOU as a kid.
Maddox: Yeah, I was a gr-...I was a fuckin' badass. Except I was born an adult, so. Uh... (cracks up) So then the -
Dick: (interjects) Like Jesus! Do you know they couldn't represent Jesus in the medieval age as a baby? They had to draw him as a full adult...as a baby-sized full adult?
Maddox: No, I didn't know that. Really?
Dick: Oh yeah, go look at...like, the reason Jesus always looks stupid in medieval photos is because they weren't allowed to paint him as a baby.
Maddox: Oh, really?
Dick: So that's why there's always these little homunculus men, like in Mary's arms. (Maddox laughs) You're like, "What the fuck is THIS?!" (giggling)
Maddox: That's how I was born. Like, just that -
Dick: (interjects) That's how you were born, like Jesus. (laughs)
Maddox: I was born an adult, but just like a little homunculus, yeah. (smiling) Anyway man, so the bad guy...after he's in this cave, you know, the bad guy sends a bounty hunter after him.
Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah, oh, wow! (mocking) So uh, Star-Lord is, um..."Star-Lord!" (obnoxious voice) He's going to this planet to...he's basically going to a pawn shop. That's the whole plot of this movie.
Dick: Yeah, sure.
Maddox: He finds this junk and then he goes to a pawn shop to sell it. And by the way, Dick, this guy doesn't even know. Star-Lord, at the start of the movie, doesn't even know that the Infinity Gem is in this. He just knows that the orb is valuable supposedly, but he doesn't know *why* it's valuable? Like, that's like...that's like saying -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause of money. What do you mean?
Maddox: Yeah, of...no, but why is it valuable? Like, it's a -
Dick: (interjects) He does this shit all the time.
Maddox: Well, yeah! He does that shit all the time. That's established, but he doesn't know why it's valuable. Anyway, man. He finds this orb, he takes it to a pawn shop on this planet, and then the bounty hunters find him immediately, of course. They're just TRAILING him.
Maddox: They're always one step behind him. I don't know why they -
Dick: (interjects) He's gettin' wrapped up in somethin' bigger than him, man!
Dick: That's exciting!!
Maddox: Yeah. (sarcastic)
Dick: All these players entering the field!
Maddox: Yeah. So then he gets arrested on this planet where he goes to jail, and the movie becomes every clichéd prison break movie ever made. There's literally a TV trope called the Great Escape, or the Alcatraz Plot?
Maddox: Where this, uh...there's this prison scene. This prison scene comes, like, almost directly from it. Here's a direct quote from the page TVTropes.org. Have you seen that website?
Maddox: It's really interesting. They said, "Prison movie protagonists are almost always the new guy..." So that's, you know, the new crew that's arrested.
Maddox: Quill, Gamora, Rocket, and Groot. "...who on his first day does something to gain a lifer's trust." [ http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/GreatEscape]
Maddox: Drax. Drax is the, uh, the one who's supposedly rational.
Dick: Drax was the...the meathead.
Maddox: The meathead, yeah.
Dick: He wasn't rational. He's very literal.
Maddox: Yeah, he's very literal. Couldn't understand...
Dick: Yeah, you probably love that guy. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. He was one of the highlights of the movie. Him and -
Dick: (interjects) "Nothing goes over MY head." You remember that?
Maddox: Yeah, that was a funny line!
Dick: That was funny! (smiling)
Maddox: You know what, it -
Dick: (interjects) Funny movie!
Maddox: You know, Dick, there were a few funny lines in that movie like that which I genuinely laughed at and I thought was really good, but it felt like someone took this shit mediocre script and then punched it up. So they got a really funny writer to punch it up and add a few jokes in there, like that one?
Maddox: And there was that scene where he said somethin' about...you would have to take a black light in his rocket ship to find all the cum or whatever. I don't know, there was some stupid shit like that.
Maddox: Anyway, man. Um, so... (brief silence) So they -
Dick: (interjects) Prison break.
Maddox: They're in this prison break, right? And they have to gain a lifer's trust, which Drax does immediately after Gamora -- Gamora's the green alien chick.
Dick: Oh MAN, that chick was hot.
Maddox: Yeah. So immediately Drax trusts that chick after she tells them she betrayed her boss Ronan, one of the most powerful leaders in the galaxy. (yells) So let me repeat that, Dick: she convinces a prison inmate that she just met, a prison inmate whose entire personality is defined by being literal, that she will help him get out of prison and catch her boss based on a 2-minute conversation right after she revealed to him that she betrayed her boss!
Maddox: So why should this guy trust her? "Hey man, I'm a huge liar and I'll stab you in the back. Uh, how 'bout this negotiation? How 'bout this deal?"
Dick: Your problems with this plot are VERY nitpicky.
Maddox: Oh, is it? That's nitpicky? (skeptical)
Dick: It's a quick conversation to say "the enemy of my enemy is my friend." Like, good! Skip this shit, skip this boring...like, you coulda done that, sure. They could've taken 10 minutes to establish their trust, but they got a long...they got alotta stuff to do in this movie.
Maddox: Dick, they could establish trust WAY more easily, and it doesn't take 10 minutes! In fact, it would take 30 seconds. Drax could be in trouble, she could save him. BAM! How's that for trust?
Dick: You don't think THAT'S contrived?!
Maddox: Well, of course it's contrived, but at least it makes sense! Logically it's consistent in this fucking made-up BULLSHIT-ASS universe!!
Dick: Ehh. (dismissively)
Dick: Yeah... (smiles)
Maddox: Fuckin' hate this. (angrily)
Dick: Right? You're shakin' your head. Sean, did you see Guardians of the Galaxy?
Sean: Yeah, I saw it -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, you loved it.
Sean: It is what it is! Can't you just have fucking FUN? (Maddox and Dick laugh loudly) For once?? It's unbelievable! Like, you are the death of all fun!
Maddox: Oh, I got -
Dick: (interjects) You and the BBC should team up.
Maddox: Yeah. I got more, buddy. (grinning) So they're in there, this ragtag bunch of misfits -- that's another trope -- using a combination... (Dick giggles) ...of poorly-guarded escape routes, the stupidity of the prison guards and some grit and *just* a little bit of luck, they might just have a shot to break out of prison! (mocking)
Maddox: So they're sittin' there around this table, you know, like, um...hatching this plan, and then of course something stupid happens, like Groot trips the alarm while they're hatching their escape plan. This plot device is called "Spanner in the Works," (Dick cracks up) which is when a stupid character, Groot -- which is basically just a Pokemon at this point!
Dick: Ohh, god. (under his breath)
Maddox: He just says his own fucking name the entire movie, which kids delight at!
Dick: Also contrived, right? (smiles)
Maddox: No, that's not contrived!
Maddox: Well, it's derivative! It's just stolen from Pokemon. So, he's "capable of derailing the most ironclad plan by [...] relying on a Contrived Coincidence and the assumption that nobody would push the Big Red Button." [ http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/SpannerInTheWorks] That's from TVTropes.org. Literally, there is a button in the background! It's a big glowing yellow light.
Dick: Yeah! Funny!
Maddox: Groot hits it.
Dick: Yeah. I remember it! I've seen that movie a lot, I have it on my computer. (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah. I've seen that movie a lot too, Dick. It's been done in a billion movies. The scene culminates in the control tower where they sneak up on the master prison guard, who slowly turns around to see the guardians standing there. Remember I bitched about that?
Dick: Yeah, but what do you...?! That's contrived too, it's on TV Tropes?
Dick: That's it?
Maddox: Nonono, it...I mean, I've seen that scene a billion times. It's BORING.
Maddox: It's unoriginal, it's uninteresting, it's boring. And -
Dick: (interjects) They put a little spin on it.
Maddox: This is...this is when -
Dick: (interjects) By not taking it so seriously.
Maddox: No, that's not the spin.
Dick: That's the feel of...that's the tone of the movie.
Maddox: Yeah, I guess. (skeptical)
Dick: Not taking ourselves too seriously. That's why people liked it.
Dick: It's like a superhero movie, but we're not -- that's why the Walkman's there, that's why the dialogue is so snappy. We're doing all these tropes, and we're doing them blatantly and obviously.
Maddox: Dick -
Dick: (interjects) And we're not takin' it seriously.
Maddox: Spiderman also didn't take itself too seriously...
Dick: It did.
Maddox: ...uh, Hellboy didn't take himself too seriously...
Maddox: ...Fantastic Four didn't take themselves too seriously; I've seen this movie a billion times, it's boring. And so during that guard tower scene everyone loses their shit in the audience like they didn't see it coming the SECOND they were sent to prison. You know that scene existed shot-for-shot the second they get arrested, yet everyone still delights like it's some ultra-satisfying "fuck you" to the control guard who's just doing his job, trying to keep prisoners in check!! (yelling) Some of whom are implied rapists, by the way.
Maddox: Right? This is who the audience is cheering against! They're cheering against the control guard, who's doing his fucking job. Then there's that wide shot -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, fuck that guy. (both laugh)
Maddox: Then there's that wide shot you've seen a billion times where they throw him out of the control tower...
Dick: Yeah, funny.
Maddox: ...which is conveniently also a rocket ship. Awesome. (sarcastic) "Wha...hlluuuhhhh!" Just jerk off, they'll cum all over my face. Oh, wow.
Dick: Jesus Christ!! (giggling)
Maddox: Such a GREAT scene. And then there's another spanner in the works when Drax invites Ronan...so Ronan's the main, uh, one of the main bad guys. Right?
Maddox: So he invites him to the planet where the Infinity Gem is at like a total fucking idiot.
Maddox: Seriously? Like, we're expected to believe that these guys are so competent and badass that they were able to break out of prison? Escape from the prison that they were in for two minutes after they were arrested, but they keep doing stupid shit like calling the main bad guy to come find them with his entire army, which means he's either stupid or selfish.
Dick: Well, he's both!
Dick: That's established.
Dick: But you know, there's a balance, 'cause he's also very powerful. That's what you gotta deal with.
Maddox: Who, Drax?
Maddox: He's just, like, a wrestler.
Dick: Well... (stammers) He got the nickname "The Destroyer" from somewhere, I'm assuming.
Maddox: Yeah, the -
Dick: (interjects) Like, they set it up so he's a powerful guy. Okay, this is the only point I'm gonna make on this.
Dick: In a million years with a billion dollars, you could not write or make a better movie. That's my challenge. (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: You're on!
Maddox: Gimme a billion dollars.
Dick: It was fun...
Maddox: Gimme a million dol-...what?
Dick: It was fun to watch, Guardians of the Galaxy. It's fun and it touched your heartstrings, man! In an age where everything is SO cynical, they managed to put an honest and a, um...an emotional love story in this movie. Great movie. Probably too...the Walkman probably pissed you off immediately.
Maddox: Walkman was a terrible movie too.
Maddox: But for different reasons. At least the Walkman was competent, it was just boring. Um, then there's that scene where he called that main bad guy to the planet that -
Dick: (interjects) You're just goin' through scenes, like, nitpicking plot points though! What's your...what's the reason that you...'cause we're runnin' outta time! What's the reason you really hate this movie?
Maddox: Okay, so... (sighs) Yeah, I don't have a ton of time here. I'll just say two more things that REALLY pissed me off about the movie. So near the end of the movie, the uh, "Star-Lord"... (mocking)
Maddox: ...dances some more, which is like the dumbest, laziest comic relief in every single romantic comedy, but for some reason the audience for Guardians just eats it up. And then this jewel that's so powerful that...that's powerful enough to destroy an entire galaxy?
Maddox: With billions of people in it? But it can be neutralized when just 5 people hold hands in a prayer circle. (cynical tone) So -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but they explained that.
Maddox: (yells) Yeah. So look out, everyone! All it takes is dance to distract the stupid bad guy, and then just hold hands and you can stop the threat!!
Dick: You've never seen dancing distracting a bad guy, have you? That was new! Like, you've never seen in movies where, like, "We're all gonna die! Oh shit, this maniac's gonna kill everybody." The hero just says, "Hey, what about this?" and then does a dance. Have you EVER seen that?
Maddox: Mm, nothing comes to mind off the top of my head.
Dick: There you go. If they even contributed that one original thing, that's...I'm impressed by that.
Maddox: (sneering) Well, you're -
Dick: (interjects) Which they did! The thing that comes closest to that is doing a jig in The Last Boy Scout. Remember that? When John McClane...er, uh, Bruce Willis did the jig after he saved the day?
Dick: On top...eh, whatever.
Maddox: He did it *after* he saved the day. Anyway Dick, um...whatever, that's fine. You're, uh, you're... (sighs) You're allowed to like this simple movie. Um... (Dick scoffs and chuckles) But by far everyone's favorite scene in this movie is during the credit sequence when Baby Groot dances to Jackson 5's "I Want You Back." Remember that?
Dick: Uh-huh, yeah.
Maddox: Which, first of all, is a song from 1969 that happens to be a big hit with space aliens! Everybody in space just happens to love this fuckin' contrived bullshit-ass song. (cynical)
Maddox: Everybody in the audience sits there guffawing like IDIOTS. (Dick laughs) While it plays. And you know what else dances to music, Dick?
Dick: Huh? (amused)
Maddox: Big Mouth Bass. That stupid little talking, like, dancing fish that you press the button and it just kinda wiggles its tail?
Maddox: Or that stupid dancing flower toy called "Rock 'N Flowers"? Remember that?
Dick: I had one of those, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! It's a dancing flower toy that literally dances to any song you play. Their favorite scene in the movie was ripped off from a dancing flower toy. A 12-dollar animatronic toy made in China.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: THAT'S your favorite scene in the movie! It doesn't take a 196-million-dollar blockbuster to entertain you idiots; apparently all it takes is a toy that literally costs less than your ticket price! These morons would be just as entertained buying a 12-dollar toy and streaming Jackson 5's "I Want You Back" on Pandora.
Maddox: That's my problem with the movie, Dick. Idiots!
Dick: That's a horrible problem. I hope this gets downvoted to hell. That was a great movie.
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic)
Dick: It was a great movie, and um...you grew up in the wrong country, man. You belong in, like, Siberia. (Maddox laughs) Where there's no fun, there's no color, there's no dancing anything. It's just...it's just snow and gray.
Maddox: I had a lot of fun, Dick, watching The Raid: Redemption. That's a great movie. Go watch that.
Dick: What's that about?
Maddox: It's...it's, uh -
Dick: (interjects) It's about a guy who rips on pop culture? (cracking up)
Maddox: No. I had a really good time watching Attack the Block. Go watch that movie. It's a BRILLIANT movie.
Dick: Last problem -
Maddox: (interjects) Anyway, man. And that has aliens in it too!
Dick: Do I have time for my...?
Maddox: Yeah yeah, what's your problem?
Dick: My problem is losing your cell phone. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Okay! Okay, Dick.
Dick: I didn't lose my cell phone. I've never lost a cell phone.
Maddox: You've never lost a cell phone?
Dick: No. Although I still wanna...I still wanna defend Guardians of the Galaxy.
Maddox: Well, go for it!
Dick: No, nononono. Uh, losing your cell phone. Americans lose 30 *billion* dollars worth of mobile phones in a year. Is that...could that possibly be true? That's what these stupid newspapers are reporting.
Maddox: So we dickhead Americans are just going around LOSING 30 billion dollars out of our pockets?
Maddox: Every year?
Maddox: That's insane.
Dick: Uh, it costs Americans -- 113 cell phones are lost or stolen every MINUTE.
Dick: Yeah! Can that be right?
Maddox: That sounds reasonable. Out of like...
Dick: Out of 300 million people?
Maddox: ...a population of 200 million?
Maddox: Right? That sounds about right.
Sean: More like 315 million.
Maddox: Well no, but not all...I'm saying...
Sean: Oh, sure.
Maddox: I don't think MOST Americans...I don't think all Americans have it. I'd say about two-thirds of Americans do.
Sean: This is true.
Dick: Some Americans have *two,* though.
Maddox: Uhh, that's true.
Dick: You know.
Dick: Players. (sexy tone) (Maddox laughs) One in five children age 8 to 16 has had their mobile phone stolen, often by another CHILD or group of children. (incredulous) One in five?! Are you kidding me?
Maddox: Yeah! Don't give your kids cell phones.
Dick: You wouldn't?
Maddox: Well, I would give my kid an emergency cell phone and then that's that. They can't install any apps on it, they can't do any games, they can't text; it's just for 911. There you go, idiot.
Dick: Ugh, what a night-...well, your kid is gonna be, like, the greatest hacker in the world shoving those chili peppers up your ass. "Oh really, Dad? I can only use this for 911? Okay!" (Maddox laughs) "Well, uh, lemme show you...lemme draw a cock right on your face with that one."
Maddox: Yeah. Well, here's your -
Dick: (interjects) You think you can enforce that with a kid? Good luck.
Maddox: Yeah. "Here's your Nokia 6083. Enjoy, buddy." (Dick laughs)
Dick: "Oh, thanks Dad! I've got my, uh, my invisible hologram phone actually, though."
Maddox: "With what allowance, shithead? You're grounded!" (Dick giggles)
Dick: Ohohohohoo, man.
Maddox: "Go to the dungeon." (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. Start with the arms race early. Um, people are most likely to lose their phone at night; 67 percent between 9 P.M. and 2 A.M. Americans lose on average one phone a year.
Dick: The average American.
Dick: I've never lost one, so that's...how long have I had a phone, 15 years? There's 15 people that's lost TWO a year, then.
Dick: You ever lost a phone?
Maddox: I have once. It flew out of my pocket on a roller coaster, so. (Dick giggles hysterically) Not really my fault, I don't think.
Dick: Yeah, it is! Did you...did you get it back?
Maddox: Uh, no, man! I went back and I told them. I'm like, "Hey man, my cell phone flew out of my pocket. I can...I'm pretty sure I know the trajectory of where it went." (Dick laughs more) "Can I go out there and...?"
Dick: Did you say that?!
Dick: Ohh. (laughs more) Okay! Okay.
Maddox: And they even had a...they even had a ne-
Dick: (interjects) Professor! (Maddox cracks up) Go...please map it out.
Sean: Use a word like that, they gotta call the manager.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. "Huhhh, sorry!" (stupid voice) "I'm gonna call my manager, Star-Lord." Um, they... (cracks up) They even had a net to catch, uh, loose items like that.
Dick: Idiots' items?
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: Who didn't put their stuff in their pockets correctly?
Maddox: It was...I had very, uh, very deep pockets, and...no, they were very shallow pockets, rather, and it flew out of my pocket on this STUPID roller coaster. (yells) I'm telling you, the roller coaster was designed poorly! (Dick laughs) 'Cause it hurt my neck! It gives you whiplash!
Dick: Okay, alright.
Maddox: Normal roller coasters don't do that. This is the worst roller coaster I've ever been on in my life, and I've told people ever since. Not just because of the things that fly outta your pocket, but because it's an awfully-designed roller coaster. It just...
Dick: Which one?
Maddox: ...breaks your neck. It's, um...I forget the name of it, but it's just a giant loop that goes around and it's just poorly designed, unfun...it's like the Guardians of the Galaxy of the roller coaster universe.
Maddox: Not fun, boring, unoriginal.
Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) 95 percent of the time, people who find lost smart phones try to access sensitive data, research shows. How 'bout that?
Maddox: Of course! Yeah.
Dick: Have you ever found a cell phone?
Maddox: I have.
Dick: Did you try to access the sensitive data?
Maddox: Uh, no. I'm pretty good about that. I've found...I have found at least 4 or 5 cell phones and returned every single one.
Maddox: I even went out on a date with someone because I returned a cell phone. (smiles)
Dick: Oh, what a scumbag. (Maddox laughs) What happened?
Maddox: It was this girl from Sweden...er no, Switzerland, who was visiting, and I found her cell phone and I...it was really hard tracking her down. I was goin' through her recently contacted list and I found the hotel, and I'm like, "Yeah, I found this cell phone. Can you please leave a note?" And she went...she happened to go to the hotel and ask the lost and found if anyone found it, and they said, "Well, this guy called," and she goes, "Oh my god!" So a few minutes later I get this phone call from this panicked girl. She's like, "Oh, all my contacts! Everything's in there!"
Dick: Ohhhh, YEAH. You got her right where you want her!
Maddox: No, get out! Get outta here. (grinning)
Dick: Ah-hahahaaaah! (suggestively)
Maddox: I was just bein' a gentleman.
Maddox: And then she said...and then she said -
Dick: (interjects) "Right up the ass, Gentleman." (both laugh)
Maddox: (fart sound effect) (laughs more) Yeah, she said, "Uh, can I take you to dinner?"
Maddox: "Can I take you to lunch?" And I'm like, "Alright! Alright." (Dick laughs) "I'll see what, uh...I'll go to lunch." So uh, yeah!
Dick: That's it?
Maddox: I'm really good at returning -- yeah, I just, uh...that's it. I'm REALLY good at returning cell phones.
Dick: 70 percent of people don't use password protection either, apparently. Cities; here's the 5 most likely cities you'll lose your cell phones. San Francisco, Philadelphia -- that's a surprise -- Seattle, Oakland, California...uh, Oakland...excuse me. Philadelphia, Seattle, Oakland, Long Beach, and Newark. Newark, New Jersey.
Maddox: Wait, why did they count...?
Sean: There's a lot of theft in most of those cities.
Dick: Well, yeah.
Sean: Big time.
Dick: Yeah. So apparently cell phones are getting lost and stolen. More stolen, it sounds like. Ulgh. (grimacing)
Maddox: Well, why did they count Long Beach and California separately?
Dick: Uh, I misread it. For some reason they put the states on some of them...
Dick: ...and not all of them. I got the...I mean, what other Oakland is there? Stupid newspaper. (muttering)
Maddox: Yeah. You know what the problem is with, uh, with stats like that sometimes is they don't...when it's just a flip little stat that nobody really cares about, it's not really going to affect legislation and, uh, and anything important. What they -
Dick: (interjects) Legislation?
Dick: On losing cell phones?
Maddox: I mean, I can't imagine what legislation that would enact, but...
Dick: It's illegal to lose your cell phone? (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah, there you go.
Dick: Why not?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, the problem with stats like that sometimes is they don't control for population. So recently they did a study at, uh...or they did a survey and they found that people who went...who owned iPhones went to more prestigious universities, or somethin' like that?
Maddox: But they didn't control for population, so it just means, "Okay, well, there's more iPhone users in populous cities. You didn't prove anything."
Dick: Alright. Here's the 10 most likely places you'll lose your cell phone. You ready for this?
Dick: Your purse. (Maddox laughs) That's the top place. This is TIME. TIME Magazine's sayin' this.
Dick: Stupid. Chance of recovery: 100 percent. Yeah.
Maddox: (sighs) Good job, TIME.
Dick: A restaurant or bar - number, uh, number two. Roof of your car...
Dick: ...changing rooms, airport security -- oh, those motherfuckers. I bet they are stealing your phone. (under his breath)
Dick: Schools, buses or subway, airplanes...um, blah blah blah, airplane taxis, swimming pools. Look, this is gonna...do you know why this is a big problem? This is gonna be around for long after all these other things are fixed.
Maddox: What, losing your cell phone?
Dick: Losing your cell phone.
Maddox: I don't think so, 'cause I don't think cell phones are gonna be around.
Dick: Okay... (sighing)
Maddox: You're not gonna need them anymore in the Oculus Rift! (smiles)
Dick: Oh, GOD. You are so crazy with your techno fetishes.
Maddox: You know, Dick, have you ever used Google Glass?
Dick: Uh, no, 'cause I hate them and I think that people who use them are stupid assholes.
Maddox: But you've never used them?
Maddox: I always thought that they were kinda stupid and hokey-looking too.
Maddox: Everybody looks through that thing and they have that Segway effect. That Segway response, which is like, "Oh, this is dorky."
Maddox: So I went to a YouTube event where they had Google Glass demos, and I put it on and IMMEDIATELY I got it. I'm like, "Oh! Okay, I see the reason - "
Dick: That sounds right.
Maddox: (cracks up) "I see the reason for this technology existing, I see the need, I see that it will change everything going forward." And so Google I think has put a hold on the Google Glass technology.
Maddox: Yeah, but a lot of companies in Japan and China are working around the clock to make their own versions of it, and they are HUGELY popular over there. Everybody has 'em.
Dick: Well, I hope Godzilla kills all those people. (Maddox chuckles) Uh...
Maddox: That's hateful!
Dick: What is?
Maddox: Hoping that Godzilla kills them?
Dick: Yes, that is ab-...that is...I mean it out of hate. (Maddox laughs) I would like anyone promoting the Glass technology to be KILLED. Yeah, absolutely.
Maddox: Godzilla wouldn't do that.
Dick: Because I hate them.
Maddox: Godzilla would wear Google Glass.
Dick: You know what? The worst thing about that Glass thing was the smug look of satisfaction those Glassholes would get when people would ask them about their Google Glass.
Maddox: Glassholes. (under his breath)
Dick: Like, if you've ever broken your arm and you walk around in a cast, people ask you what you did, and by the third time you've told the story you're like, "Ah fuck, man. Can you just fuck off? Like, I broke...I broke my arm."
Dick: "What...WHAT? What else? Like, don't make me tell the story again." Those Glassholes, no matter how many times people ask them about their stupid Google Glass, they're like, "Ohohohohoo, I can't WAIT to tell you about the Google Glass!" (stupid giddy voice)
Maddox: Look, I'm lookin' at Sean! Nothin' from Sean? No, uh, no shitting on Dick for killing fun here?? (stammers angrily)
Dick: They're not fun!
Maddox: (yells) They ARE fun! They're incredible to...they're fun and practical and useful technology! (Dick scoffs and laughs) "Oh, look at...oh, Dick hates Google Glass! I'm sorry I'm havin' so much fun with my technology and I'm enthusiastic about it, fuckhead!!" You wanna just kill my enthusiasm with the Google Glass and virtual reality! FUCK YOU!
Dick: Fun AND practical? (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah!! (both laugh)
Dick: Sounds...it sounds like a toothpaste commercial. "The World By Maddox: Fun AND Practical!" Fuck off.
Maddox: At least it has a utilitarian function!
Dick: Sean, Google Glass, thumbs up or thumbs down? To settle this debate.
Sean: I don't give a shit.
Dick: Great. Alright, that's my problem, Losing Your Cell Phone. We're outta time.
Maddox: Losing Your Cell Phone. (snidely)
Dick: Losing Your Cell Phone.
Maddox: Yeah Dick, uh... (sighs) Pretty -
Dick: (interjects) It's not as impassioned as your, uh, RIDICULOUS claims about Guardians of the Galaxy, but...
Maddox: Reasoned, level-headed, even-keeled criticisms of pop culture that's garbage. And yeah, every single person...every single friend of mine who liked Guardians of the Galaxy, just buy 'em a Rock 'N Flower and call it a day. That's your favorite part of the movie, you FUCKING morons.
Maddox: That's all they liked. They like the dancing flower at the end, the dancing Groot.
Dick: You can't write a better one!
Maddox: Baby Groot.
Dick: Write a better movie. Go ahead.
Maddox: I will not write a movie for the Hollywood industry. (Dick laughs) It's -
Dick: (interjects) What about for people?
Maddox: I mean, possibly.
Dick: You can write a better space adventure that's heartwarming?
Dick: That's *heartwarming*? For all audiences, not just maniacs?
Maddox: Dick, you are defining a good movie in such a narrow term, (Dick scoffs) that it has to be heartwarming for all audiences?
Dick: That's all of the world!! (yelling) I'm defining it as a...the MOST general terms.
Maddox: Ooh! (mocking)
Dick: ALL of the world, that you could bring your date, your wife, your family to see this movie and it makes you feel good.
Dick: Not all movies have to be a weird cynical statement about life.
Maddox: Not all movies have to make you feel good! Not every movie has to have a love interest! Not every movie has to have this contrived, derivative bullshit! Not every movie has to have that stupid scene where the truck flips forward. I'm so tired of seeing that scene, I'm so tired of these movies. They're ALL the exact same, Dick, summer after summer after summer. There's over 42 superhero movies slated for the next 3 years. 42 of them!!
Dick: I know, and I hate them. I hate superhero movies, but I loved Guardians of the Galaxy 'cause it was good!
Maddox: Yeah Dick, I'll tell you a, uh...
Dick: 'Cause it wasn't full of, like, stupid technology MacGuffin devices. It was a good story about...humans!
Maddox: (yells) The whole MOVIE was MacGuffin devices, and there were only two...there was only...
Dick: Yeah, but they weren't the focus!
Maddox: There was literally only one human in the movie!!
Dick: Nyeah. Nah, you...
Maddox: Or what, three?
Dick: ...you're nitpicking again.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Dick: It was the...the green broad's thing, with the body?
Dick: Her story was very human. Uh, the stupid raccoon's story was very human. "I get it! Uhh, he was an animal," (stupid voice) but his story was human. So was Groot's! They were all...they had very...they were very human, and that's -
Maddox: (interjects) Groot?! Groot had no character! He was literally wooden!! (laughs)
Dick: (chuckles) Ah. There you go.
Maddox: He was LITERALLY wooden.
Maddox: That's the guy you're saying was heartwarming? There was only one supposedly "heartwarming" scene in the entire movie, and that's when Groot sacrificed himself. That was...justified.
Dick: What about when Star-Lord put that broad in his, uh, his little space ship? That was pretty good!
Maddox: Okay! I'll give you two. There you go.
Maddox: Okay, heartwarming. Big fucking deal! You know what other movie wasn't heart-
Dick: (interjects) What about when Rocket gets drunk?
Maddox: What about it??
Dick: And says that everyone treats him like shit all the time?
Dick: That's heartwarming, man. (softly) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Look at that depressed, broken drunk who says he has no friends. (grinning) (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: I really identified...I really identified with that scene for some reason. (giggling)
Maddox: Oho, yeah! Surprise, surprise. There was another space adventure that wasn't heartwarming, Dick, and that was Star Wars. The original Star Wars movies?
Dick: It was heartwarming!
Maddox: That wasn't heartwarming. No, it wasn't.
Maddox: It had moments, but I wouldn't define the movie as heartwarming! (yelling) "Hey, what'd you think of that Star Wars movie?" "Real heartwarming!" You know? (both laugh) You fuckin'...when he chopped off his, uh, his hand? When he gets his hand chopped off at the end?
Dick: That was The Empire Strikes Back, you FUCKING poser.
Maddox: That's what I'm talkin' about!
Dick: (stammers) Star Wars?
Maddox: The original three Star Wars movies. Those weren't heartwarming.
Dick: You're talking about all three?
M: Yeah! Those weren't heartwarming.
Dick: The third one was heartwarming as shit! With all the Ewoks going around everywhere?
Maddox: Dick, just because it had a heartwarming MOMENT or two, doesn't make the movie heartwarming.
Dick: Oh, stop. (exasperated)
Maddox: That's a movie that had a lot of dark moments.
Dick: The pedantism is way too... (Maddox sighs) The force of the pedantism is strong in you today. (Sean laughs in the background) You wanna wrap it up?
Maddox: Yeah. My problem this week was Guardians of the Galaxy.
Dick: My problems were "Wash Me" and Losing Your Cell Phone.
(closing riff starts)
Maddox: Alright guys, don't forget to vote for Guardians of the Galaxy at http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com, and -
Dick: (interjects) Out on BluRay now. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick! (giggling)
Dick: Thanks for listening. (smiles)
Voicemail (male caller imitating Kermit the Frog): Hello, Kermit the Frog here again. (Maddox laughs) I wanted to ask again what Maddox's problem actually was! You see Maddox, you rambled on for so long that I forgot what your problem was to begin with. (Maddox chuckles) Was it Vine? Was it Vine STARS? Was I hearing it THROUGH the grape vine? Was it the North Star? (Dick giggles) I don't know, because I just heard this guy rambling on about all kinds of random shit and it didn't make any fucking sense.
Dick: You don't wanna ramble when you're criticizing someone for rambling.
Voicemail: Sean, since you like my Kermit so much, why don't you shut the fuck up while I'm doing it so everyone else can hear it? Huh?? Is that somethin' you can do? Dick, did you have sex with your man yet? Ehh?
Voicemail: YAAAAY! (Dick and Sean laugh) Go fuck yourself.
Maddox: (yells) Go fuck YOURself, Kermit! I don't need shit... (Dick cackles) ...from a puppet with a hand up its ass. Alright? You're LITERALLY gettin' fucked up the ass! Fuck you, Kermit. I'M FUCKIN' TIRED OF KERMIT! Cancel Kermit!!
Dick: Well, that's none of my business. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, do you know how I know that Utah is in the Midwest? 'Cause you're from there and you have that gay-ass Midwestern accent (Dick snickers) where you say "asshole" like an "ayass-hole." Fuckin' idiot.
Dick: That's...is that true?
Maddox: No -
Dick: (interjects) You do say "asshole" weird. A lot of people have commented on that.
Maddox: How do I say "asshole"?
Maddox: Like real nasally? Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're saying that's a Midwest accent.
Maddox: Is it? I don't...
Dick: That's what they say! I don't know!
Maddox: IIIIII don't know, maybe! But here's the thing: in the Midwest...well, in Utah, growing up, nobody really said "asshole" except for me.
Dick: Oh, no.
Maddox: I do like to say "asshole" that way because it does sound a little bit more, uh, condescending.
Maddox: "Ayass-hole." (nasal voice) (laughs)
Dick: Here's that same voicemail. [plays message from same caller]
Voicemail: Hey Maddox, do you know how I know I...ah, FUCK. (everyone laughs) Delete this one.
Dick: Alright. That's it.