The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 38
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
(Theme riff in background)
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by...our own bonus episode! http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com/bonus-episode-4/
[montage of clips from Bonus Episode 4 plays; theme music continues in background]
Maddox: My mom...doesn't quite understand the Internet. (Dick laughs) And/or credit cards. And payment systems. So she'll never buy these bonus episodes. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you the story! (Dick laughs loudly)
Maddox: Lesbians! (Dick cackles) Huh?? (cocky)
Dick: Okay. (laughing)
Maddox: THERE'S a solution, buddy!
Maddox: Knees and ankles were hot shit way back in the day when... (Dick laughs) ...people wore those...the godawful one-piece swimsuits from the '20s? You remember those?
Dick: No, they weren't!! They weren't hot shit! Knees and ankles?
Maddox: Are you kidding me?! If you've never seen a knee or an ankle and you see it for the first time, you're gonna jerk off to it, buddy!
Dick: (laughing hysterically) I'm gonna jerk off to a KNEE?!
Maddox: I'll jerk off to a knee! (yelling) (Dick keeps laughing)
Dick: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: You know, if you put two knees next to each other they look like a bum.
Dick: Okay. (cracking up)
Maddox: Fat knees look hot! Anyway...
Dick: MY lines are like plutonium. Go -- but please, continue.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. No, they're Kryptonite. Is that what you meant to say? They're definitely Kryptonite.
Dick: They're like Red Kryptonite. (smug)
Dick: That's a different kind of Kryptonite.
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: That makes Superman go horny as FUCK. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
[clip montage ends]
Dick: Now available at http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey!! What's up, buddy? How's it goin'? (grinning)
Maddox: Oh, great. And Sean, our audio engineer.
Dick: Hey, Sean.
Maddox: Welcome back. Another great episode, DICK. (annoyed)
Dick: We had a great episode yesterday! The bonus episode. It's a good one.
Maddox: Yeah, the bonus episode's awesome! Uh...
Dick: Lotta laughs.
Maddox: (chuckles) A LOT of laughs.
Dick: Uh, for...for those of you who haven't listened to it yet, we played a rousing game of Biggest Problem Bingo...
Maddox: The bingo!
Dick: ...in the bonus episode.
Maddox: Right, the bingo card that we posted on the website last week, on Episode 37, we played it live during the show, which was incredible. You will probably never...you know what? I would put money on it. If you haven't listened to the show, you will never guess who wins.
Dick: That's fair!
Maddox: And, AND...
Dick: That's fair.
Maddox: ...there is a winner.
Dick: There is definitely a winner.
Maddox: There's definitely a winner!
Dick: Of that.
Maddox: Yeah, of THAT.
Dick: Unlike our problems! Who didn't win last week, Maddox? (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. Not a contest, Dick! (annoyed) (Dick laughs gloatingly) Alright, Dick! The No Fun League... (Dick cackles) ...came in as the biggest problem in the universe. I don't know how, 'cause I don't even know what that is.
Dick: I'm surprised.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm surprised too!
Dick: Well, there's a lot of, uh, secret knowledge about that problem, The No Fun League, that you don't know about. 'Cause I didn't come up with that. That, uh, that phrase. The "No Fun League"?
Maddox: Yeah. I know!
Dick: Everybody calls the NFL the "No Fun League."
Maddox: Yeah, I -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause they do stuff, like, they're screwin' with kickoffs so there's no more kickoff returns. The -
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, MAN. It sounds like a grandpa came up with that name, Dick. Such an old dad term. You know what? I'm so...I'm so tired of you NFL crybabies! (yelling) I uh, I actually brought in a song, Dick, to commemorate your problem coming in the highest last week.
Maddox: Here you go. I made this just for you. And all the NFL whiners. [plays NFL parody song]
(dramatic NFL theme music)
(sound of a baby crying plays every time cymbals clash)
(Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Ohh. (amused)
Maddox: (yells) Buncha fuckin' crybabies! EVERY WEEK it's something with the NFL!! "Oh, this guy hit some woman! This guy killed a dog!" (Dick and Sean laugh hysterically) There's always some fucking shit! ALWAYS drama in the NFL!
Dick: "This guy beat his 4-year-old son!" (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah!! I'm fuckin' tired of it! And you...but now you whiners crying about the dance celebration, you whiners crying about touchdowns, controversy with the referees bein' fired? I don't give a SHIT!
Dick: Guys talkin' to the media after the game?
Dick: More controversy? (grinning)
Maddox: Just -
Sean: (interjects) "Ehh, Ray Lewis stabbed somebody!" (whining) (Dick cackles loudly)
Dick: See? It's exciting!! (Maddox scoffs) It's like the WWF, except it's REAL and people are really going to jail for some of that stuff. (cracking up)
Maddox: Always crying! Crybabies.
Dick: Yeah, um...
Maddox: Followed by...The Travel Bug. Our guest's problem scored pretty well. (yells) And then everyone voted down Overpriced Vintage Clothing, because I guess you guys were confused about whether the problem was the vintage clothing being overpriced, or moths, or whatever! Doesn't matter, I brought in -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, there was a lot of confusion. (chuckling)
Dick: From the audience, from me and Sean, and I think a lot from *you* on what the hell that problem was.
Maddox: Well, I guess...I can't help it that you guys are too dumb.
Dick: Well, I brought in some comments about that. But FIRST, I wanna get to my victory celebration.
Maddox: Great. (surly)
Dick: It may be banned in the NFL, but it's not banned on this show. As everyone knows, when I win...
Maddox: You didn't win.
Dick: ...I play 30 seconds of the movie Titanic, because Maddox has sworn that he would never watch it. (smiling)
Maddox: And for those who haven't listened to the bonus episode yet, uh, I guess Dick gloated about having his solution come up before mine, so he played an extra 30 seconds. So if you guys wanna listen to that HORSESHIT, listen to the fuckin' bonus episode.
Dick: That's right! Thank you for reminding me, 'cause I have to set up where we left off in the movie.
Maddox: Oh, great.
Dick: We had just discovered *something*...
Dick: ...deep under water. We don't know what it is yet, but there was a diving crew -
Maddox: (interjects) My eye is twitching.
Dick: (cracks up) There was a bunch of robots with spotlights that spotted something underwater. So Maddox, can you put yourself back in that frame of mind yet?
Maddox: I'm not even gonna put my headphones back on. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: (laughs) Get ready to experience the romance and the adventure...
Maddox: Yeah. Let me know...I guess I'll see you guys in 30 seconds! (Dick laughs)
Dick: ...that is Titanic.
Dick: Here we go. (hushed tone) [plays next 30 seconds of Titanic]
(foreboding music in background)
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's Mom yelling, "Go to HELL, man!") (Dick laughs)
Dick: What is it? That's Bill Paxton! (jokingly dramatic) See that? You like him!
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's Mom yelling, "How dare you!")
Dick: What's Bill Paxton looking at, Maddox?
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's Mom yelling, "Shut the hell up!") (drowns out movie's dialogue)
Dick: (pauses clip) Alright, wait a minute, wait a minute. (Maddox laughs) If you're gonna step all over these lines that these guys are giving...
Maddox: (yells over Dick) No, no, no!!
Dick: This is...Bill Paxton does not sound like Angelo's Mom. (Maddox laughs) I'll rewind this...I'll rewind it a minute and a half, and make you watch all of this again. (Maddox groans)
Maddox: This is worse than sittin' on my balls.
[Dick resumes clip]
(submarine and walkie-talkie sounds)
Dick: They're going over the bow of what? What could it be?
Maddox: This has gotta be illegal. (both crack up)
Dick: What? What I'm doing? And playing the NFL theme isn't??
Maddox: No, it's a remix!! (laughs)
Dick: Look at that bow.
Maddox: I'm not gonna look.
Dick: Look at that bow!
Maddox: I will NOT look.
Dick: It's the very front of the boat. It's gonna come into play later.
Maddox: Great. (annoyed)
Dick: In the romance. (smiles)
Maddox: You've seen this before, haven't you?
Dick: Yeah, I've seen it!
Maddox: What a pussy. (muttering) (Dick laughs)
(music gets more ominous as Titanic wreck comes into view)
Dick: Ohh, look at that. Look at that. (hushed)
Maddox: I will never look at...I'm not lookin' at the screen!
Dick: It's a relic! [clip ends] It's a relic from back in time, Maddox, that these guys are...that these scientists are uncovering. That's it. That's it.
Maddox: Yeah this...this BIT'S a relic from back in time. (cracks up) (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Alright. (chuckling)
Maddox: I have a comment. This one I have to read anonymous, because it's a guy -- he said he's not representing any players in the NFL; however, he is qualified to be an NFL agent. And he has some inside information about the salaries of NFL players.
Dick: Wait, what...wait, he's qualified to be an agent?
Maddox: I dunno. (Dick laughs) He was tryin' to be vague...
Dick: Okay! (mocking)
Maddox: I'm not gonna give his NAME.
Dick: (grins) I mean, I don't want his name! I don't give a FUCK about this guy. Go ahead.
Maddox: You don't give a fuck about this guy?! (Dick laughs)
Dick: Well, wait...
Maddox: He gave us some valuable research!
Dick: Ha, okay. (giggling)
Maddox: So we were...there was some controversy about how much players make, and we were sayin' it's not that much. The league minimum for a first year player is 420,000 dollars.
Maddox: The salary cap is roughly 130 million, and top players are making close to 20 million. So the average player makes about 2 million per year!
Dick: (cracks up) Oh, thanks for that inside information, Jerry Maguire.
Sean: No, that's..that's weighted, though.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sean: You just averaged all those numbers together. That's not -
Maddox: (interjects) Well, of course. Yeah.
Sean: The upper echelon makes the big bucks.
Maddox: Right, but 420,000 dollars isn't nothin'. I mean, that's...
Sean: No, no, that's good.
Dick: It's substantial.
Maddox: That's half of what the CEO of Goodwill makes.
Sean: But it's not 200,000 per *game.* Like, you're...
Maddox: No, it's not per game. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But still, a 10,000-dollar fine for someone who makes half a mil a year? It's nothin', man.
Dick: It's a lot!!
Maddox: It's nothin'! (stammers) If I made half a million a year, I would jerk off into a wad of 10,000 dollars.
Dick: God, I pray every night that one day you make that much money so you know how hard it is for these people. (Maddox scoffs)
Maddox: (laughing) "How hard"...?!
Dick: And you can stop with your shit about income-based fines, and...
Maddox: Ohh, these CRYBABIES.
Dick: You're gonna work your whole life and you're gonna finally make that much, and you're gonna have some asshole in his 20's and 30's going, "Yeah, well, why don't you give ME some of that? I don't wanna work! Maddox, give me some of your money!" (obnoxious voice) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Is that what it is, Dick?
Dick: Yeah. That's your penance. (smiling)
Maddox: Just a bunch of whiners and crybabies sittin' around? Is that what it is?
Maddox: Yeah, there's a Dick Versus Dick, because you were in favor for income-based fines when it came to dog shit, but not for the NFL, your PRECIOUS fuckin' crybabies!
Dick: I lost my temper. I'm... (Maddox and Sean laugh) I'm done talking about the NFL. Here's, uh, I got some...lemme read a comment for a sec. Oh, um, you know what? This guy said...from Louis BC: "Hey Dick, you selfish asshole, why don't you let the guest talk for once? You asked Buckley about his live tweets and then talked about yourself for 2 minutes." (Maddox laughs) Yeah, that's because when I asked him and Maddox what their favorite tweet was of his, both of them sat there like deer in the headlights with dumb fuckin' looks on their faces! Neither one of them could think of a favorite live tweet! Buckley's entire DAY is tweeting hilarious things, and we get him on the show, "What's your favorite tweet?" He goes, "I dunno." (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, you know what, Dick? In improv, that's called "pimping." You put us on the spot, dude! You can't just be like, "Hey, uh, you read this article. Really? What's the source? Tell me exactly right now where you read this article, when you..."
Dick: I'm asking him the favorite *joke* he ever said! He's a joke writer!! (yelling)
Maddox: Why don't you tell ME your favorite joke right now, Dick?
Dick: I actually brought 'em in! Because I'm a professional broadcaster.
Maddox: (laughing) Oh, you motherfucker. What do you got?
Dick: Here...here, because you assholes wouldn't do it, here's a sampling of Buckley's jokes. @duplicitron on Twitter. [ https://twitter.com/duplicitron]
Maddox: Oh. Well, that wasn't my question, but let's hear some. Yeah. These are pretty funny.
Dick: Here's one of 'em: "Well it took forever but I just paid the pizza guy entirely with the quarters I found behind his ears." @duplicitron. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Like a magician.
Dick: "A little..." Yeah, that's pretty funny. "A little about me: my favorite song is happy birthday and my favorite band is just my mom singing it." (Maddox laughs) There you go. "The ocean is a huge waste of water."
Maddox: Yeah, it is!! (Dick and Sean laugh) See? I'm fuckin' on board with that! I had a tweet the other day that said "Mountains are stupid." He and I! Blood brothers.
Dick: Mountains are stupid?
Maddox: Mountains ARE stupid.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Uh-oh, spoiler. (mischievously) (laughs)
Dick: Uh, "Whoops looks like I got a little too much beauty sleep." (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: He is a handsome dude.
Dick: "I was huffing gold spray paint and got some on my face and now everyone in this alley thinks I am rich." (Maddox chuckles) I guess! Third-world problems.
Maddox: Pretty funny!
Maddox: I like that guy. Um...alright Dick, uh, do we have any voicemails?
Dick: Yeah! Here's one, since you wanna talk about the NFL so much. [plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail: (gruff, jocky voice) Hey, Maddox! This is your old high school quarterback calling! (Maddox chuckles)I was just listenin' to the podcast. It's good to hear that you're still such a DOOOOUCHE! (Maddox laughs) Hell yeeeeah!
Dick: Yeah. You remember that guy?
Maddox: Is it really...? I... (stammers)
Dick: He said it was!
Maddox: What was the area code? What was the area code on that phone number?
Dick: I don't check that kinda thing.
Maddox: Shit, I wonder. I mean, it could have been! I don't know, man.
Maddox: I'm always shittin' on those jocks.
Dick: Here's, uh...here's one about the CEO of Goodwill. You had a problem with him.
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic)
Dick: Alright. [plays second voicemail message]
Voicemail: Hey Maddox, just because some asshole at your old company got paid a bunch of money to go to golf courses, doesn't mean that the CEO of one of the biggest companies in the world should work for free. That doesn't make any sense.
Maddox: Yeah. (sneering)
Voicemail: And by the way, you already told that story before about the guy who goes around and goes golfing, you dumb fuck. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Oh, I'm sorry! (heavily sarcastic)
Voicemail: Dick, go fuck yourself. Bye.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: This guy who ends his voicemail with the exact same sign-off of every other voicemail is criticizing me for telling a story twice. (Sean chuckles) Get FUCKED. And here's the other thing: I'm not saying CEOs shouldn't make any money, but this is a nonprofit! If your goal as a charity is to help people, right?
Maddox: If that's your goal, then you should help people. You shouldn't pocket it. You shouldn't try and make yourself as rich as possible. And by the way, when this came out... (Dick scoffs and laughs) When this whole scandal came out with the Oregon CEO, or the Oregon president of uh, of Goodwill -
Dick: (interjects) Scandal!
Maddox: Yeah, it was a scandal.
Maddox: Yeah! Watch, uh, Watchdogs.org did a piece on it.
Maddox: When this came out, he agreed to a 25 percent pay cut! He voluntarily agreed. Why would you do that if what you're making is justified? It's like those dipshits, those politicians in Bell, California a while back, who were raking in over 800,000 dollars and then they got caught and they were like, "Oh, well, uh...well, you know, we des-...we, uh..." (stupid voice) They scrambled and they tried to cover their asses. That's what they're doin' right here!
Dick: They do it for PR.
Maddox: Yeah, PR, but if you were just in...look, if I'm making my money and I EARNED it, you come to me and say, "Hey, you're makin' too much money," and I'll show my fist to your mouth.
Maddox: Like, that's my fuckin' money, I EARNED it!
Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)
Maddox: I'm not gonna kowtow! I'm not gonna say, "Oh, I should take a 25 percent pay cut" if I feel like I deserved it!
Dick: Yeah... (unsure) The problem with that is the CEO's *job* is to increase the reputation of the company. So, punching reporters in the mouth (Maddox laughs) is kind of...not doing his job right. He can't punch a reporter in the mouth and say, "I'm a good CEO!" (Maddox laughs more) Doesn't work like that.
Maddox: Yeah, 'cause he's not a fuckin' badass wrestler like me.
Dick: This guy agrees with you. Danny Price: "I was at Goodwill the day before I heard this podcast and was outraged..."
Dick: "...at how overpriced the shit I bought was."
Dick: "Especially when I compared the prices to how much they were at the general store down the street. Cheese grater: $5."
Maddox: 5 bucks for a cheese grater?! Get fucked! You can buy a new one for FREE!
Dick: No, that *was* the new one. (Maddox laughs) Uh...I'm sorry, "Cheese grater: $5 [at] Goodwill - $4 new." That's...
Dick: ...that's RIDICULOUSLY overpriced. (chuckling)
Maddox: (yells) It is ridiculous, Dick! That's, like, over a 400 percent markup on a cheese grater! You should be able to buy that thing for a -
Dick: (interjects) 400 percent?? It's a...
Maddox: For a DOLLAR! It's a dollar -
Dick: (interjects) It's a 25 percent markup!
Maddox: It's a used cheese grater, man! (slowly for emphasis) No no, I'm sayin' it's, it's...over 400 percent of where it SHOULD be.
Maddox: It should be, it should cost a dollar for a...would you pay more than a dollar for a used cheese grater?
Dick: You should be the CEO! You know how to price everything, and you'd work for free. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Dick, as a charity... (stammers) (Dick laughs) I wanna fuckin' scratch my eyes out right now with my pen, I'm so fuckin' mad! (yelling)
Dick: Yeah, I know!!
Maddox: Look, someone sent me a link -
Dick: (interjects) Then you'd REALLY be the CEO, 'cause the CEO of Goodwill's blind! Did you know that?
Maddox: Is he really?
Dick: So you picked on a blind guy for, uh, 20 minutes last episode. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Is he really blind?
Maddox: I guess that's cool that they have a blind CEO.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) REALLY blind. Yeah!
Maddox: What does that mean, "really blind," Dick? (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Like, his eyes are pointing in...opposite directions. (smiling) (Sean laughs more)
Maddox: Oh, that doesn't nece-... (cracks up) What, is he wall-eyed? Is that...? That's a different condition than blindness.
Dick: No, no, no, man! Like...nonono, like, he's really blind.
Maddox: Oh, okay! Well, that's not -
Dick: (interjects) Go look at his picture. You'll know what I'm saying.
Maddox: I guess it's nice that they gave a blind guy the CEO job. Alright? There's somethin'.
Maddox: Right? That's ni-...that's nice! You don't see a lot of blind CEOs. And they don't see a lot of... (breaks down laughing)
Dick: Butt Sanchez wrote in. (Maddox keeps laughing to himself) He wrote in with some future Maddox problems. You remember Butt Sanchez, right?
Maddox: Yeah, Butt Sanchez. You're butt buddies. (annoyed)
Dick: "Expensive shoes, expensive ties, expensive pants..." Is that...is that gonna be one of your problems?
Maddox: Could be!
Dick: "...expensive seafood..."?
Maddox: I dunno, what are you gettin' at, Butt Sanchez?
Dick: "...spending money." That was the last one. (amused)
Maddox: Oh, that's...those are my problems?
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic) Butt Sanchez, here's your problem. (Dick cackles) 'Kay? You don't have the nuance or the mental facility to even comprehend the amount of GENIUS that goes into my problems! Like when I brought in Satire as a problem and that problem itself was a satire? Brilliant!
Dick: Yeah! (about to laugh)
Maddox: Blew everyone's FUCKING minds. (Dick laughs loudly) Everyone DIED who listened to that episode.
Maddox: Died from aneurysms.
Dick: That was a good one. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah! Uh, one other thing I wanna mention about that, uh, vintage clothing thing? Someone sent me this podcast from WNYC in New York. They did a piece on vintage clothing the day before our podcast came out, and they talked about how it's changed the entire landscape of vintage clothing and charities. They're starting to cater to high-end consumers at vintage clothing shops. And this lady said that in her neighborhood, she would watch family after family of poor people come in, look around, everything's too expensive and they leave empty-handed, whereas she said in the past they would come in and buy bundles of clothing. Now it's become this huge business where they buy pounds of clothes and then resell them on Etsy and eBay and...high-end thrift shops.
Dick: Puttin' America to work. Sounds great.
Maddox: Yeah, puttin' poor people in the poorer bracket.
Dick: Oh, stop. (dismissively)
Maddox: Yeah. (surly)
Dick: They go to Walmart. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: (scoffing) Great. (laughs)
Dick: Alright! We ready for some...I got some more stuff here, but I wanna save it.
Maddox: Alright, Dick.
Dick: I got some, uh...I got some stuff to promote the live episode that's coming out, uh, this Thursday.
Maddox: This Th-...? Oh shit, really?
Maddox: This...I gotta edit. (laughs loudly with Sean)
Dick: Two days. Spent so much time watchin' the Super Bowl this weekend, you didn't edit the episode, huh? (wryly)
Maddox: Oh yeah, big big fan of the Super Bowl. (sarcastic)
Dick: Of the "big game."
Maddox: The big game?
Dick: You can't call it the Su-...have you noticed that?
Dick: I know you're not a sports fan, but have you noticed how everybody has to call it "the big game" on commercials?
Dick: Ah, it's so...it's so annoying.
Maddox: Why, 'cause they can't use the words "Super Bowl"??
Dick: Yeah. Right.
Maddox: FUCK the NFL! I'm so tired of these fucking crybaby pieces of shit! (yelling)
Dick: No Fun League!!
Maddox: Why doesn't just someone burn that shit down? You know what? Did you know that if in the...the NFL, if you get 3 or more players together -- I guess, I think it's 3, is the number -- in a photo, they have to pay royalties for that? Like, if you...if they wanted to pose with fans on Facebook or whatever, they...you have to pay royalties. The NFL wants a cut of that!
Dick: Maddox, this is the No Fun League! Speaking of cuts, they fined, uh, Marshawn Lynch for grabbing his crotch, calling it "an excessive celebration"? They are SELLING THAT PHOTO online! You can buy it for like 150 bucks.
Maddox: Oh, so they're okay...they're okay with selling it and making a profit off of it, but they're not okay with him doing it. They're okay -- they just wanna make...they wanna make money by fining him, they wanna make money by selling it. They're a bunch of fuckin' hypocrite douchebags, and *you're* a hypocrite douchebag for supporting this SHIT industry.
Dick: I BROUGHT IT IN AS A PROBLEM!!
Maddox: No! YOU brought in -
Dick: (interjects) That you shit all over!!
Maddox: You brought it in... (stammers) Do you honestly think the NFL's a problem, Dick? Are you gonna boycott the Super Bowl?
Dick: The No Fun League is a problem! (Maddox scoffs and laughs) I think they can fix it.
Maddox: DICK... (protesting)
Dick: I don't wanna throw the baby out with the bath water! I think they just make a couple tweaks...
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: ...and we'll all be happy. Alright?
Maddox: I'm okay with throwin' out babies. (slyly)
Dick: Alllright. Speaking of throwing out babies...are we ready for my first problem?
Maddox: What's your problem, Dick?
Dick: Ghostbusting the Patriarchy.
Maddox: (laughing) Okay, GREAT.
Dick: You guys know what ha-...what is happening with Ghostbusters? Sean?
Maddox: I sure do!
Dick: Are you up on your Ghostbuster news?
Sean: Is the -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I sure am, and I am sure pissed off about it!
Sean: The cast is all women, right?
Dick: It's all women! Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah. Why does it...okay, Dick. I believe that you are gonna come across like an ass...
Maddox: ...and I...I'm also pissed off at it, but not for the same reasons. I'll come across as very moderate. So go on. What is the reason -- what is your problem with this?
Dick: Well...look, I love women. (Maddox laughs) Okay? Lemme start there.
Maddox: ('sproing' [boner] sound effect)
Dick: Alien...Alien, Metroid, Tomb Raider?
Dick: Alright? I love intellectual property with women. I've jerked off to all those. (Maddox cracks up) Okay?
Maddox: Very respectful, Dick.
Dick: Amélie, 30 Rock...
Maddox: You jerked off to Amélie?
Dick: Yeah! 101 Dalmatians... (laughs)
Maddox: I mean, she's basically a corpse. 101 Dalmatians? (cracks up) That's not even human!!
Dick: Cruella de Vil!!
Maddox: Oh, is that the one?
Dick: She's the star of the movie! (yelling)
Maddox: You jerked off to Cruella de Vil?
Maddox: Not even one of the female dogs? I mean, they...Disney does a good dog.
Sean: I remember when Dick said the princess on Mario Kart had a hot ass.
Dick: Yeah! (Maddox laughs) She's designed that way, to entice you while you're playing Mario Kart.
Maddox: No, she's wearing a giant fucking boof-...boofy dress! You can't see anything.
Dick: Eh, you can tell.
Maddox: Is it...does she wear shorts in the episode? Whatever, I'm... (Dick laughs) I don't wanna think about Princess Peach's ass right now! (Sean chuckles) And you jerkin' off to Cruella de Vil.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) Look, so I just wanna say that I love women in things. Okay?
Maddox: I don't think so.
Dick: That didn't...?
Maddox: Okay, but go on.
Dick: I woke up...man, I woke up this morning. So the news came out recently.
Maddox: (cracking up) Wait, does Dick love women? "Yeah! I jerk off to women all the time!!" (Dick giggles) "Love 'em!" (laughs)
Dick: I think they're great, and that's... (trails off)
Maddox: Go on.
Dick: I wake up and I see, after this was announced, that it's an all...all-female cast. And I see -- the first thing I see on Facebook is, uh...a guy on my feed saying, "Oh, it's nice to see all of the hate-mongering horrible misogynists out who have a problem with this movie."
Dick: Right? INSTANTLY. I just turn on my phone...
Dick: ...and I'm already a hate-mongering misogynist because I think this is a dumb move!
Dick: And I don't like it!
Maddox: Why don't you like it?
Dick: Well, for a lot of reasons that I'll get into. Um, part of it is that it seems like a shameless cash grab. Or not even a cash grab! It seems like a shameless pandering.
Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) It is.
Dick: Because it is NOT Ghostbusters.
Dick: Ghostbusters is about plumbers and garbage men busting ghosts.
Maddox: You know, Dick, I don't understand how they can even make them women, 'cause one of the original Ghostbusters was a gorilla!
Dick: (cracking up) Oh, yeah. (Maddox laughs) Yeah.
Maddox: No, but all joking aside, I had that same problem. I got in an argument -- so I posted this tweet on Twitter, and I said essentially...I was breaking down the Hollywood trends by decade. And in the '80s, it was to take one of 'em and make 'em black. Right?
Maddox: In the '90s, take one of 'em and make 'em gay. Every sitcom had to have a gay character.
Maddox: And in the...the '00s, the turn of the century -
Dick: (interjects) Which is fine! Which is fine.
Maddox: Sure! Of course.
Dick: I'm fine with those.
Maddox: Yeah, whatever! It's just a trend.
Dick: It's cool! Whatever.
Maddox: And in the '00s they said, "You know what? We're outta ideas, let's remake them."
Maddox: And NOW the trend is, "Let's remake them with women."
Maddox: That's all it is! Evil Dead, uh, they decided to make Ash a female.
Maddox: (chuckling) Yeah, dude! That happened like 2 years ago.
Dick: Oh, I didn't even see that one. The remake?
Maddox: The remake.
Dick: No, I didn't see that one.
Maddox: Ash was a female.
Dick: No, because it's not...it's not, uh, it's not Bruce Campbell! If it's not Bruce Campbell, it's not the Evil Dead.
Maddox: You know, it was fine. It was a...I saw it and it was okay. It...I didn't *hate* it, and I ended up not being totally disgusted by it. I thought it was okay. It was an okay movie! It's no Bruce Campbell, but Bruce Camp-...but that's, uh, that's the problem that I think most people have with this franchise is that they're changing something fundamental about it. Like, they already did this, Dick! Do you remember the Real Ghostbusters cartoon?
Dick: With the wheelchair guy?
Maddox: They remade it with Extreme Ghostbusters. (Dick sighs) No one can even remember a single one of their fucking names!
Dick: No. Look, I like...I like the 'make one of 'em a black guy.' 'Cause it's a different perspective! You know what I'm saying? It's like, "Yeah! Okay, I see the Ghostbusters, now one of 'em is a black guy. Cool! I get to see that perspective on this." You know what I'm saying? Doesn't need to be 4 white guys. It's enough... (stammers) I get enough of that perspective with 3. Right?
Maddox: Alright, Dick. I mean, I'm on board -
Dick: (interjects) Is that a problem? I mean, what do you think...?
Maddox: Yeah... (hesitantly)
Dick: It's...it's shameless and it's pandering, but as an audience member it doesn't offend me. Okay?
Dick: Okay? Make one of 'em a gay guy. Same thing. Alright! As long as the point is...as long it's not the point IS that he's gay, it doesn't bother me as an audience member, as a consumer of this medium. Right?
Maddox: Sure...uh, okay.
Dick: But this is...
Maddox: Uh, I'm not buyin' this argument at all, but go on.
Dick: Really, no??
Dick: You're not?
Maddox: I'll tell you why.
Maddox: I got in an argument with uh, a Facebook Feminist, and...I think that's what I'll call them now, because they're not real feminists. These aren't -
Dick: (interjects) "Tumblr Feminists," they're called.
Maddox: Yeah, Tumblr Feminists. Yeah, that's what this was. Or Fa-...I like "Facebook Feminist." I like the alliteration there.
Maddox: But, uh -- because it was on Facebook. And this girl was talkin' about, "Well, um, aren't you interested in having someone who's not white, male...uh, be represented in movies and TV shows? We need more diversity, blah blah blah blah blah," and I said, "Yes, I agree that we do need more diversity. I'm interested in more diverse points of view. However, I don't think there's anything inherently unique or interesting about casting someone as a woman, as someone who's gay, as someone's who's black. I think what makes us unique is our personal experiences in life, our points of view, and our life experiences. And unless they have that, I don't give a shit what genitals they have, I don't care about their skin color, I don't care about their nationality, I don't give a fuck about anything! I think that a PERSON makes a person. Right? It's not the color of our skin, it's the content of our character that matters, isn't it?"
Dick: In real life, but I don't think that -
Maddox: (interjects) In movies too!!
Dick: Yeah... (unsure)
Maddox: Why...?! If they took all of Dan Aykroyd's lines, and they just remade Ghostbusters and then put a woman in there, do you think it would make a difference?
Dick: It makes a huge difference!
Maddox: Well, sure!
Dick: Yeah! Because, um, for the same reason that this is not...this is no longer a Ghostbusters movie! Because the perspective isn't a blue-collar trash man...
Dick: ...schlub, anymore. Because only -- and I looked this up. I got a stats for you. (Maddox smirks) According to the Census, the Bureau of Labor, 1.5 percent of natural resources, construction, and maintenance occupations are women.
Maddox: So only 1.5 percent of construction workers are women.
Maddox: So, it's unrealistic -- you're not going to have that blue-collar perspective of these women necessarily in the new Ghostbusters. Is that what you're saying?
Dick: Yeah! That's what I'm saying.
Maddox: Yeah, I agree with that.
Dick: I'm saying that...that it's one out of 99 percent.
Dick: So it is no longer a movie about trash men fighting ghosts!
Maddox: Yeah, there's something about the 'everyman' -
Dick: (interjects) It's a movie about WOMEN fighting ghosts. Which is fine! I'm fine with. Okay?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: But it's not the Ghostbusters!! (yelling)
Maddox: It's not the Ghostbusters. Call it something else, guys.
Dick: And... (splutters) Since it's not the Ghostbusters, keep in mind this is a movie that as a man, I have been supporting for 30 YEARS.
Dick: And this is why I'm really upset about it. Because I watch that goddamn movie probably 4 times a year. Right?
Maddox: I watch... (cracks up) Yeah.
Dick: At LEAST.
Maddox: I watch it...I watch it, no joke, probably once every couple months.
Dick: Yeah!! And I...there's a TON of guys who do.
Dick: So, this is like a -
Maddox: (interjects) And people, and women! Like, everybody watches that movie. It's a great movie!
Dick: FALSE. I do not think the split is like that.
Maddox: Okay, well, do you have any evidence? (chuckling)
Dick: What would you need? I mean, what would...you wanna search, like, Facebook likes for Ghostbusters?
Maddox: I think...
Dick: Do you really think...what do you think the split is on the audience for Ghostbusters?
Maddox: I think it's probably about 40/60, with men in favor. I think that, uh, Ghostbusters is a pretty universal movie. It's a great movie, I think a lot of people liked it. It was a huge blockbuster, you can't -
Dick: (interjects) Maybe...go ahead.
Maddox: You can't have a huge blockbuster of that size without also getting the women audience.
Dick: Yeah, but I'm...I'm talkin' about, like, die hard fans. Like I think as you approach watching it like 20, 30, 50 times over your life? Somebody who, like, downloads the cartoons?
Dick: And watches -- like that gorilla joke?
Dick: What do you think the spread's gonna be on who gets that gorilla Ghostbusters joke that you told?
Maddox: Old people. Um, here's... (cracks up) Here's the thing, Dick.
Dick: What is the men...what is the male/female split gonna be on the gorilla joke?
Maddox: Male/female split? Oh boy. I've...I mean, it's all speculation, I don't think it matters. But if I had to guess, I would say 20/80.
Maddox: But, uh...but here's the thing, Dick: the people who were sayin' that the people who have a problem with this are misogynists -- which, by the way, is just a LAZY fucking copout, guys.
Maddox: Stop using that word. (yells) You don't HATE women because you don't want to see Ghostbusters recast with women! That's not equivalent! You fucking MORONS. Listen, what this comes down to is keeping true to the franchise. I wouldn't wanna see an Aliens movie if they cast a man in the role of Ripley!
Dick: It wouldn't be Alien!!
Maddox: It wouldn't be Alien! I wouldn't wanna see a movie...I wouldn't wanna see Tomb Raider with a guy in there!
Maddox: It's not true to the original!
Dick: It's called "Uncharted" and it sucks.
Maddox: It sucks!! It's a piece of shit! It's...I've never been able to play through to the first save point in Uncharted. I keep falling asleep, it's that fuckin' boring.
Dick: No, 'cause you can't play that game. It's a movie.
Maddox: No, I know!
Dick: It's just a...it's just a movie where you press 'A' to go to the next scene.
Maddox: It's awful. Although you -
Dick: (interjects) It's like a broken DVD player.
Maddox: Although some could argue that...that uh, Tomb Raider is Indiana Jones with a female lead. But it's a little bit different. It's more about the -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, 'cause there's...there's puzzles.
Maddox: Yeah, it's more about the puzzles and things.
Dick: And Indiana Jones was a movie.
Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) Yeah. Um...yeah, I wouldn't wanna see female -- I wouldn't wanna -
Dick: (interjects) Plus I've never jerked off to Indiana Jones! I mean, that's a big difference.
Maddox: Well, that's your problem. Uh... (cracks up)
Dick: I have to Tomb Raider.
Maddox: What about, uh...what about, uh, what's his name, Top Round?
Dick: Short...Short Round, is his name.
Maddox: (laughing) Short Round... (Dick laughs) I was thinkin' of -
Dick: (interjects) Not "Top Round." (grinning)
Maddox: I was thinkin' of Top Ramen.
Dick: No. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Uh...yeah, here's the thing, Dick: I wouldn't wanna see any female franchises recast with men. I wouldn't wanna see Thelma and Louise with guys...
Dick: What about...what about the other way? What if they recast Pretty Woman and they put, like, Patton Oswalt in, in Julia Roberts' role? (Maddox chuckles) That's the same movie, right?
Maddox: Same movie! Same exact movie.
Dick: Yeah, you're uh...what is the opposite of a misogynist, if you're against that? Are you a homophobe? If you think that's retarded? (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, I -
Dick: (interjects) "Richard Gere and Patton Oswalt, Pretty Woman 2!"
Dick: "Come see it!"
Maddox: You know, it's -
Dick: (interjects) "Or you're a hate-mongerer."
Maddox: You know what the...you know what the most damning thing about this whole thing is, Dick? Is that they are exploiting women, and they don't even -- the women don't even realize it yet. Somebody commented this on my Facebook page, and I thought it was a really astute, uh, insight. But they said that probably 10 or 20 years from now when we have enough perspective to see what was going on in this era, they're going to probably look back and...and see this movement as "femsploitation." Like, just like they did -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, that's funny!
Maddox: Yeah! Just they did "blaxploitation" in the '70s.
Dick: Huh! Yeah.
Maddox: And uh, and made all these movies pandering to the black audiences. Now they're doing the exact same thing with women, and women are, uh...not all women, the dumb ones. The ones who are embracing this as a triumph...
Maddox: ...aren't really seeing it for what it is. You're being exploited! This isn't a triumph, idiots. This is exploitation, you're being exploited. And this isn't about men versus women! I don't give a fuck! I'll see lots of...I'll see any movie with a female lead, as long as it's a good movie. I don't give a shit. Don't change something for no reason other than a cash grab.
Dick: It just makes no sense to me. Like, the whole movie's about guys doin' dumb shit with science. You know?
Dick: I know alotta guys, and they're all dumb. And they all do dumb shit with their technology.
Dick: You know what I mean?
Dick: Went to school with engineers. You know what they wanted to do with their technology? They wanted to make, like, an Internet toaster. That's what they wanna do.
Dick: That's like, that's...that's idiotic! And I've never heard something that idiotic in that specific way from a girl. And that's what Ghostbusters is about to me! This is...I have no idea what this movie, what this remake is.
Maddox: Uh, are you gonna see the movie and give it a chance, or no?
Dick: FUCK no.
Dick: No, I'm...I'm *boy*cotting that movie. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Like they boycotted us.
Maddox: Well, I'm gonna MANcott this one. Uh, yeah, man. This uh, this movie just stinks. It sounds like...it sounds like it's a cash grab. It seems like it's...it's really offensive. Like, it's pandering. Right?
Dick: And it's worse; imagine the Ghostbusters 3 we coulda had.
Maddox: Uh, I think that -
Dick: (interjects) Like with...
Maddox: You know, I think that ship has sailed too, because half the cast is dead or not...not talking to each other. That's gone. It's gone! It's a dead franchise, I think.
Dick: They coulda rebooted it with, like, Chris Pratt? From Guardians of the Galaxy?
Dick: And like, Magic Mike? You know? That guy with Magic Mike, with the...the delts and the penis? What is his name? (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Maddox: You just wanna see a bunch of handsome dudes. (both laugh) Yeah.
Dick: And...and Glover's kid? Who's that guy? The Amazing, uh...Porno, or whatever his name is? Gambino?
Maddox: Gambino -- oh!
Dick: That guy as Winston?
Maddox: Donald Glover?
Maddox: Yeah, that guy's great!
Dick: That woulda been a GREAT Ghostbusters 3.
Maddox: That's a GREAT guy.
Dick: And Melissa McCarthy coulda been Slimer! (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing) Or Slimer's mom, whatever! Whatever.
Maddox: You know...and you know, all these feminists who are saying, like...you know, "health at any size," and uh, and "love your body," and all this; isn't her whole schtick, essentially, is like one big fat joke, right? Like, she's like...
Maddox: ...she's like the John Candy...
Dick: She's on Mike and Molly, which is a show about two fat people that are, like, making fat jokes.
Dick: It's like Two and a Half Men, but with fat jokes.
Maddox: Yeah. So, I guess they're okay with that one. Uh, which I imagine that's all it's gonna be in Ghostbusters, a bunch of fat jokes. Which I liked the original Ghostbusters for *not* doing that. You know? I guess...I guess Ray was a little bit overweight. He was a little bit pudgy. But uh, they made him a caricature in the new cartoons.
Dick: Well, he also dreamed up the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man, right?
Maddox: That's true!
Dick: That was a joke on his fatness.
Maddox: That was a joke on his fatness, I guess. Was it? No, it was also a joke on his innocence.
Maddox: It was a very naive thing.
Dick: I suppose so.
Maddox: Anyway, man -
Dick: (interjects) Yes, it was...it was subtle! That was why it was great.
Dick: It wasn't hammering 4 broads into your eyeballs.
Dick: Like uh, A Clockwork Orange.
Maddox: Alright, Dick. Should we get to a real problem this week?
Dick: 1.5 percent. That's a pretty good stats! (Maddox chuckles) Isn't it??
Maddox: (sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.")
Dick: Are you impressed that I looked it up?
Maddox: That was a good stats, Dick. Good job on your... (cracking up)
Dick: I got more...I got more, uh, more on there too.
Dick: But I don't wanna bore you with too many stats.
Maddox: Well, let's hear, let's hear one more...let's hear a dynamite stat before we move on to a real problem.
Dick: Okay. Hold up, hold up, hold up. Oh yeah! So, if they're 1 percent of the construction force, right?
Dick: It's like making a movie about Ghostbusters, except they're all billionaires. Would that be weird? 'Cause it's just as likely!
Maddox: Yeah. (unsure)
Dick: You see what I'm saying? The top 1 percent of earners in America? Now THEY'RE Ghostbusters. So it's 4 billionaires.
Maddox: Well, then you're just watchin' Batman. Except there are 4 of 'em.
Dick: Another movie!
Maddox: Another Batman.
Dick: 4 Batmans!
Maddox: There you go, 4 Batmans. (smiles) Which is uh, what, Avengers.
Dick: Alright, go ahead. You think I'm gonna look like an asshole on this one?
Maddox: Yeah, dude. You always look like an asshole on these. (laughing) I get all these emails and messages from women, they're like, "Ah man, Dick's such a dick." Um...
Dick: I mean, if they're Gho-...if they are Ghostbusters fans, I don't see how they could support this.
Maddox: Uh, a lot of 'em don't, and I think it's really insulting to the intelligence of...of uh, women in general for these people who are coming out and calling people who are...who have a problem with this "misogynists." That's a really disgusting word. You can...you can dislike something for a reason other than it being a hatred for an entire gender, which is FUCKING insane.
Maddox: I mean, I want to see...I'll see any movie. Like, I...again, I don't wanna see Alien recast with a man! I don't wanna see any franchise that is cast with a woman being recast with a man, or vice versa. I just don't! I mean, I saw Evil Dead, and it was okay. It's just not the original. It's not as good as the original. It was fine! It was fine, but it was a different thing. And this was -- I suspect that the Ghostbusters movie...look, it's a competent cast. I like, uh, what's her name, the blonde one from SNL, and she was in...ah, man.
Dick: Yeah, she's so great, you can't remember her name.
Maddox: No, I'm totally blankin' on it because it's late -
Dick: (interjects) Kristen Wiig.
Maddox: Kristen Wiig, yeah! She's great! She's really funny. Um, I think that she's...she's gonna do a great job in the movie, and some of the others ones, maybe. But it's gonna be a different movie than what I expect, and I don't want that.
Dick: Fuck it, don't see it. Go ahead. What's your problem?
Maddox: Black unemployment disparity!
Dick: Oh my GOD. (chuckling)
Maddox: There we go! BOOM!
Maddox: Biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: Well, I feel very uncomfortable even talking about it.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Nailed it. Um, so... (cracks up) So this is from CNN, Dick.
Dick: Like the original Ghostbusters. One Winston and three white...that's what you're talkin' about?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, and actually Winston...Winston's lines in those movies were supposed to be -- he was supposed to be a huge part in that movie, and they...he got cut and reduced like the night before.
Maddox: Yeah. They reduced -
Dick: (interjects) I didn't know that, that's awful.
Maddox: Yeah, they reduced him almost to a page, and I think he's made...like almost no money on that movie. I think he made somethin' under like 200,000 dollars for the entire movie, throughout the entire franchise. He got cut and minimized from that movie.
Maddox: Uh, I believe because Bill Murray and...and what's his name, who played Egon, were deciding against...
Maddox: I think he wanted to hi-...to get Eddie Murphy in there originally, and Eddie Murphy couldn't do it -
Maddox: - so they just got this guy, and they just cut him out.
Dick: Oh. Well...keep goin'.
Maddox: Which is a shame, but he's a really humble dude. Anyway. Speaking of uh, black guys not makin' any money...here's what the average white family -- white families have accumulated far more wealth than black families, according to a new Brandeis University study. 265,000 dollars for white families, and the average black family: 28,500 dollars. [ http://money.cnn.com/2013/02/27/news/economy/wealth-whites-blacks/]
Dick: Hoho, wait wait, what??
Dick: 260,000 versus what?
Dick: Okay, order of magnitude.
Sean: Wait, accumulated over how long?
Dick: Couple weeks, right?
Sean: No, there's no way that the average white family -
Maddox: Yeah, this is, this seems...
Sean: - gets 265,000 dollars in a year.
Dick: Over a lifetime.
Sean: Over a *lifetime*?
Sean: But 26,000 for a black family?
Maddox: No, this is...this is over 25 years.
Dick: 25 years, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Over 25 years, is 265,000 versus 28,000.
Maddox: Over 25 years, so a quarter of your life. That's how much money you would...you would accumulate.
Maddox: And there's actually another stat, um...
Sean: That's still doesn't sound right.
Dick: No, that's...it's probably right!
Sean: 28,000 over 25 years?
(recording briefly cuts out)
Maddox: Okay, we're back, and actually what happened is -- this is a first...one of the first times we've ever had to pause the show, because I just read a stat on air about the black income disparity that was so outrageous that Sean simply couldn't believe it, and I went and checked; it's actually even worse, Sean. Um, this is from CNN: "Over the past 25 years, the wealth gap between blacks and whites has nearly tripled, according to research by Brandeis University." [http://money.cnn.com/2014/08/21/news/economy/black-white-inequality/]
Maddox: The median household wealth for whites is 91,405 dollars, and for blacks...6,446 dollars.
Dick: What does that mean, those numbers you're reading? What do you mean, 91,000 and 6,000? What is, what is...what is it?
Maddox: Well, that's their median house wealth.
Dick: What is "wealth"?
Maddox: Uh, that's in large part..."That's in large part because home ownership among blacks is so much lower. Housing is often Americans' greatest asset and a major component of their overall wealth." So a lot of black people just simply don't own houses.
Dick: Well, yeah.
Maddox: So they're paying...they're paying rent, they don't have a lot of assets. You know when you take out a mortgage on your house, or you can take out a mortgage loan on your car...you can, uh, you can remortgage all those things. That's...those are things that black people can't do.
Dick: (hesitates) Well...okay. Well, those are things that people who don't own houses -- they can't take out loans against their houses. Yeah.
Maddox: Exactly, and that's what they're talkin' about, "wealth." So, accrued wealth. All your assets; what are you worth? You're essentially worth all the things that you own.
Dick: They don't own houses.
Maddox: They don't own houses, yeah.
Sean: Now that first stat makes more sense.
Sean: I misunderstood, uh, "accumulation." I thought that was like, earnings. You know what I mean? Like a...
Maddox: No, that -- yeah, that's...that's accumulation.
Dick: No, it's what they split up when you die.
Sean: No, it's more like savings.
Maddox: Yeah. So I looked into why this is, and this article goes on. It says, "Income gains are also a major differentiating factor, even when whites and blacks have similar wage increases. Whites are typically able to put more of their raises towards accumulating wealth because they've already built up a cash cushion. Blacks are more likely to use the money to cover emergencies." So black people are just barely gettin' by, and if they have any kind of catastrophic illness or a hospital visit, that'll wipe out all their savings and all their funds.
Dick: Yeah. To be honest I would rather see this, like...as a function, instead of race, as of like...where people live. (Maddox chuckles) Like, do they live in the ghetto?
Maddox: Uh-huh, well... (cracks up) First of all, that...
Dick: Like, who are...you know what I'm talking about? I mean -
Maddox: (interjects) First of all -- yeah.
Dick: Like, it's...there is a ton of white people who've been here for a long time. They have a huge leg up when you're talking about like, wealth accrual.
Dick: So I would like to s-...like...well, I mean, keep going, but.
Maddox: Well, it's interesting -
Dick: (interjects) I think it would be a better stat without, like, leaving people who came over on the Mayflower as part of this.
Maddox: Well, that's uh, that's actually the next point I was about to read, Dick. It says, "Inheritances also make it easier for some families to build wealth."
Maddox: "Among the families studied, whites were five times more likely to inherit money than blacks, and their typical inheritances were 10 times as big." So Jon Stewart had Bill O'Reilly as a guest on his show recently, and Bill O'Reilly simply could not acknowledge -- and I hate this expression, 'cause it's such a...uh, it's overused, whatever: "white privilege." I think it's...it just makes me cringe because so many people use it for the wrong reasons and in the wrong way. However, Bill O'Reilly could not acknowledge that he, as a white person, had ANY benefits whatsoever in society. And Jon Stewart simply pointed out that in the '60s, when...the community that Bill O'Reilly grew up in, blacks were not *allowed,* period. They kept it a white-only community. It was a nice gated community, it was...I'm not sure if it was gated, but it was a nice, clean, safe, private community, and you see this all around the country. I went to Omaha recently, and in Omaha, I believe the, uh...what is it, uh...that's the main city, right?
Dick: It's a big city, yeah.
Maddox: I think it's...it's either Lincoln or Omaha. Anyway.
Dick: Lincoln's the capital, but Omaha's a big city within Nebraska, yeah.
Maddox: There is a very -
Dick: (interjects) That's where you fly into.
Maddox: There is a very big divide between where the whites live and where the blacks live. And you can almost see it down the streets where the whites and the blacks are separated. The black side looks like the houses are a little bit shoddier, and they're closer together, and they're denser...and uh, it looks like the streets are not as well-kept versus the white side. You can see this, and it's not necessarily that there's some kind of...institutional racism that's going on *today.* However, the remnants of the institutional racism that was in the past are still there.
Dick: Yeah! Sucks.
Maddox: Yeah. And uh, the stats go on: "When it comes to education, black graduates are often more saddled with college loans, making it harder for them to start socking away savings than their white peers. Four in five black students graduate with debt, compared to 64 percent of whites."
Dick: Yeah, man! (brief pause) Um...there you go! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: It's a pretty big problem! Dick...Dick is speechless, everyone in the room is bummed out...
Dick: Well, it's not... (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: ...this is the biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: It's just like, what am I...I'm just gonna say the same thing over. Is it race or is it poverty? Like at this point, what are you gonna do? Like yeah, it sucks that you come from nothing and you got... (chuckles uncomfortably) You have no wealth in your family to, like, fall back on and to help you out on. It's...it's a bummer, man!
Maddox: Yeah! (chuckling) It's a bummer. Anyway, let's go drink. (laughs with Sean) Like, what are ya...? Yeah, it is a bummer. Uh...so, people who argue against things like affirmative action -- which I have mixed feelings about. Because on one hand, if I was a black person and I got a job somewhere, I'd wanna know that it was because I was the most qualified person for that job, not because of my skin color.
Dick: I wouldn't give a FUCK. I would just be glad I got a job.
Maddox: And then you have the Dick Mastersons of the world.
Dick: Yeah! 'Cause who cares? It's your life. Take every advantage you can.
Maddox: Uh, I... (stammers) ...you know.
Dick: I mean, the problem I have with it is that it's the government coming in and telling you that, uh...who to hire to be an audio engineer. That's a much bigger problem to me.
Maddox: You think we should hire a black guy and fire Sean? Sean, take off your cans. (laughs)
Dick: I mean, that's what it is! Like, incentivizing you to hire someone you wouldn't normally hire, which...I guess if you wanna play social engineer, be my guest. Go nuts. But...I don't like it.
Maddox: Yeah, well, you don't have to like it. However...what's that guy, the Donald Sterling guy. He's the guy who got busted for saying all that racist, heinous shit a while back, right?
Sean: Yeah, he was forced to sell the Clippers.
Sean: By the league.
Maddox: He was forced to sell the Clippers, and what was -
Dick: (interjects) By the league, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, by the league, right. Which is a private organization. I don't think that...that's wrong. They can do whatever they want!
Dick: Makes sense.
Maddox: Right. Uh, Donald Sterling -
Dick: (interjects) Well, they CAN'T do whatever they want.
Dick: But they can force him to sell.
Maddox: Okay. What is it, the No, uh, Ball League? What's a "No Fun..."
Dick: No Fun League.
Maddox: No Fun League, but what's the basketball equivalence?
Dick: Um, I don't know. I don't watch basketball.
Maddox: Yeah. Whatever. (muttering)
Dick: But what's your...what's your point with Donald Sterling?
Maddox: Anyway, Donald Sterling...people think that that's the worst thing that he did. This isn't...you know, that was all theater. What Donald Sterling said, the racist shit that he said, was all theater and inconsequential compared to what he actually *did.* He was a slumlord. What he did is he created a really significant divide in racial discrimination when it came to housing. You know that housing -- that racial discrimination law that's on the books? Well, Donald Sterling bought a whole bunch of buildings and properties that he would not rent to blacks or minorities or low-income families at all. And he forced them out into these, uh, so-called "ghettos" that you described, Dick, and forced them into these...these poor living conditions and living places where they built entire freeways to go around them. Jon Stewart talked about this a while back, too. But it's a really depressing fact, because he's essentially created these poor conditions that keep CREATING poor conditions for blacks to grow up in, and then...you have the decks stacked against you. And that's essentially what happens, is after a while you look at the unemployment rate...for whites -- this was a while back -- I think the white unemployment rate was 6.6 percent; blacks, 12.6 percent. You look at these stats and you think, "Well, shit, why should I even try? Everything's stacked against me." They have a much higher incarceration rate...and then you see things like, things go down in Ferguson -
Dick: (interjects) Make drugs legal then!
Maddox: Okay, fine! But making drugs legal isn't going to solve this problem. It's...there's SO many -
Dick: (interjects) It's gonna get alotta people out of prison!
Maddox: Well, that's true, it will get a lot of people out of prison, but how do you solve the problem with, uh...of black people getting incarcerated at much higher rates across the board for all crimes?
Dick: I mean, I... (stammers) I don't know. Dude, what...what, do you want me to play devil's advocate for this problem? Like, I'm not really that in-...
Dick: I don't feel comfortable arguing the opposite side of that.
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah.
Dick: I don't know...I don't know all these things that Donald Sterling is doing.
Dick: I would way rather see all of these stats from a perspective of like, socioeconomic diversity than race! 'Cause I don't see what the hell any of this does to fix the problem. Like, I honestly don't. It's a more interesting stat from a position of socioeconomics than it is race to me.
Maddox: Well, so I took a class in college; this was the last class I ever took in college, and it was called "Education and Society." And my teacher in that class, I think her name was Reid? GREAT teacher. Incredible. She was teaching the class in such an interesting pedagogical method that she was making it seem like we were leading the discussion, but she had a very direct message and education and syllabus that she was teaching us. Anyway, in this class one of the writings that we read was this, uh, this guy named John Ogbu, and he's a black literary professor or somethin' like that. He had, um...he came up with this racial theory that he's been writing about for years about how he believes that sometimes black people who live in affluent neighborhoods, their kids do poorly in school regardless of their familial life at home. They have good parents who are taking care of them, who are spending time with them, who are giving them the tools they need; however, they still perform poorly in school. And the reason is, he believes...you know, back to hearken to your sociological point, Dick...
Maddox: ...is that because they had this history of slavery in our country, that they are rejecting our assimilation. They see that performing well in school is assimilation, cultural assimilation. Which is why sometimes you see black families who have names that are wildly different than whites, is because they are rejecting cultural assimilation and they view it as some type of enslavement. So until you can disengage that philosophy, that ideology, to make them feel like they're not being imperialized anymore, maybe this problem won't go away.
Maddox: This is the biggest problem in the universe, Dick. I think that this should unseat, probably, Female Genital Mutilation.
Dick: Uh, no, you mean Slacktivism? (Maddox laughs) I love that...I love that people are complaining that the last episode didn't have real problems, and yet the biggest problem in the universe according to this show is people on Facebook, basically. Slacktivists are people on Facebook who pretend like they're helping out.
Maddox: Slacktivists are a big problem, Dick!
Dick: It's not at all!
Maddox: Oh, I...I'll tell you why! Because I would rather have somebody not do anything than to SAY they did and not do anything.
Dick: It's a mi-...it's an annoyance.
Maddox: (excited) No, it's an annoyance -
Dick: That's what it is. (smiling)
Maddox: But it's al-...it also prevents action down the line! 'Cause if you do some slacktivist thing, you feel *good* by doing nothing, then you have even less of a chance of ever accomplishing anything good.
Dick: Yeah. Uh...
Maddox: Which sounds like a contradiction to my argument about New Year's Resolutions, but it's not and I'll explain it in another episode.
Dick: It sounds like something I would say. Uh... (Sean laughs in the background) So this is...what, yeah, black guys got, uh...get screwed outta the gate? Kinda true?
Maddox: Black guy's getting the shaft.
Dick: You know? Yeah.
Maddox: Anyway, man.
Dick: You got any stats on other minorities in there?
Maddox: No. They, blacks...
Maddox: Blacks, across the board, are the worst. Which, by the way, every time I hear some feminist complain about the wage discrepancy, et cetera, et cetera, they don't really talk about -- they're always talking from the perspective of a white female. They're not talkin' about the black female, which has the lowest...across the board, black females have the lowest income across the board. They have the lowest employment rates across the board. It's...it's really pathetic. It's really sad. But that's what they're always focusing on is white females, et cetera, et cetera.
Dick: Well, there you have it.
Maddox: Biggest problem in the universe, guys! I think this should actually legitimately be voted up. And by the way, dickheads, is this what you want?? Are you happy now? You got a real problem! (yelling) Bumming the show out. There you go.
Dick: Yeah, it really is. Just because I...I would rather hear a black guy talkin' about -- or a woman talking about it.
Maddox: Alright, well, we'll bring one in. (grinning) (laughs)
Dick: I mean, what do we have to offer on this other than like, stats off the Internet? You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Well, you know -
Dick: (interjects) Like, I don't really have a perspective to bring to this other than, like, things that I don't have to live with.
Maddox: Sure. Well, the alternative to not talking about it as white guys is not talking about it at all.
Dick: Nah, you bring in a...you bring in a black guy to do it! Or a black person to do it.
Maddox: You know what? We'll do that. We'll do that sometime, and maybe we'll have an addendum to this problem or have something tangentially related to it.
Dick: We can do...we can bring in problems twice? I got some on there I wanna bring in again.
Maddox: (chuckling) Okay. Great, Dick.
Dick: Like the No Fun League. (wryly) (Maddox and Sean laugh) Alright.
Maddox: Alright, Dick. What's your next problem?
Dick: No, I got...I got a thing before that. I brought in -- so when we did the live taping, everyone had to fill out an application to be an audience member.
Maddox: Oh yeah, that's right!
Dick: Remember that?
Maddox: Yeah, we asked people why they felt like they deserved a ticket to the live show.
Dick: Yeah. I wanna read some of the answers that these people gave. Uh, this was why they deserved a ticket.
Dick: Okay? Ron Sanchez...this is what he put on his form: "Because I hate hippies too and Dick is a huge cunt." (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Bravo. ('ding!' sound effect) (clapping sound effect)
Dick: Rourke...Rourke James Smith...uh, here's why he deserved a ticket: "Because fuck Dick Masterson." (cracking up) (Maddox and Sean laugh) Christine Plisky: "I got written up for work for listening to this podcast on the clock, and now I think I should take a day off to see it live." She did, too!
Maddox: Yeah! I remember, I think I...we met her, right?
Dick: Uh, here's one from Denzel Walkes. Um...
Maddox: He was a black dude! I remember him!
Dick: Yeah, you shoulda had him in for this problem.
Maddox: Yeah! We'll get Denzel in on the show. (chuckling)
Dick: "I deserve a ticket because I'm the shit and I'm 1 of 5 of your black male listeners. Race card cash-in." That's funny.
Maddox: You know, he was really proud of that, but we had one other one show up too that day. Another black guy!
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah! He wasn't 1 of 5 -- yeah, well, no. We got a bunch.
Dick: Well. Um...John Soto -- this is my favorite one: "Give me a god damn ticket." (Maddox laughs) I think he got in with that.
Maddox: Why did we let him in (Dick cackles) with that fuckin' bullshit?
Dick: It's funny!
Dick: It's funny.
Maddox: (booing sound effect) Alright Dick, what's your...what's your next problem? Let's hear this horseshit. What do you got?
Dick: I got a problem that also, um, affects black people more than anybody else. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Maddox: Oh yeah? What is it?
Dick: Yeah! Type 2 diabetes. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: What?! Type 2 diabetes??
Dick: Yeah! Or "diabeetus," if you prefer.
Maddox: Yeah, I DO prefer.
Dick: But only the type 2. Not the first one.
Maddox: Dick, is this really your problem? We usually discuss these problems a little bit before we come in to the show, ahead of time.
Dick: Yeah, I told you about this one, didn't I? Didn't I tell you about this?
Maddox: No, I don't think so, Dick. I'll pull up my text messages.
Dick: 29.1 million people in the U.S. have diabetes!
Maddox: 29.1 million, huh?
Dick: Yeah! 8 million of them are undiagnosed and unaware of their condition.
Maddox: Then how do they know they have 'em?
Dick: Um, 'cause they got God to do this study.
Maddox: Statistical...statistical data, okay.
Dick: No no no, I...uh, in adults 20 and older, more than 1 in every 10 people suffers from diabetes. Did you know that? And in seniors, uh, that figure raises to 1 in 4. 29 million people, Maddox, have diabetes type 2!
Maddox: Yeah, man. (sighs) I dunno. I hear all these like, 1 in 10, 1 in 5, 1 in 6...sounds like 100 percent of people are suffering from somethin'.
Dick: 100 percent of people have...are...might *possibly* have type 2 diabetes. (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing)
Maddox: Dick, fuck you!
Dick: They might get it! They might get it.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: Uh, in uh...here we go! Cases of diagnosed diabetes cost the United States an estimated 245 BILLION dollars in 2012.
Maddox: I dunno.
Dick: Oh my god, that figure is expected to RISE... (jokingly dramatic) (Maddox laughs)
Dick: ...in the future. (smiling)
Maddox: Dick, you were looking at... (cracks up)
Dick: That's what it says! (laughs)
Maddox: You were looking at your paper when you said that line, "oh my god"! (Dick keeps giggling) Does that...is that what your news source says? What sour-...where's your source for all these, by the way?
Dick: Oh My God News. (Maddox cracks up) Oh My God...it's Ohmygod.gofuckyourself.com.
Dick: 245 billion dollars, Maddox!
Maddox: Yeah, that sounds made-up.
Dick: Yeah. You know what the risk factors are? Why...how you might have this?
Maddox: Uh, just bein' obese, right?
Dick: Yeah, bein' a big fatso. That's why.
Maddox: Bein' a big fat fatty.
Dick: Yeah. Not even hugely fat!
Maddox: Yeah. I think 10 pounds overweight increases your risk of diabetes by somethin' like 50 percent, right?
Dick: Yes!! (excited) This is...one of the stats was if you lose...if you lose 10 pounds you indefinitely, um, protect yourself from diabetes type 2. And yet still, spiraling out of control!
Maddox: Yeah. I don't think a lot of people lose 10 pounds and keep it off.
Dick: Yeah. The study showed that, uh, 5 to 7 percent weight loss slowed the development of type 2 diabetes, indefinitely prolonging it. Eh, how 'bout that?
Maddox: Yeah! Then uh, that means ME, man! I lost alotta weight. I lost like 70 pounds!
Dick: Yeah, you were probably at risk for type 2 diabetes!
Maddox: Oh, I'm pretty sure I was! I had high blood pressure, I had cholesterol, I had baldness...I still do! (laughs)
Dick: Did you have blurred vision? That's one of the symptoms.
Maddox: No, I never had blurred vision.
Dick: Oh. Did you have increased thirst? Oo, I might have it.
Maddox: Uh, I was...I was thirsty for alcohol a few times.
Maddox: But no, not other than that. Mostly alcohol.
Dick: Yeah, well, there you go.
Maddox: Yeah. So -
Dick: (interjects) The WHO anticipates -- the World Health Organization -- anticipates that worldwide deaths attributable to diabetes will *double* by 2030.
Maddox: Yeah, you know, diabetes is a piece of shit disease. That's the one where if you don't get it under control, if you don't get it in check, you could lose an arm, right?
Dick: You could lose everything. Everything from the neck down.
Sean: Yeah, the little capillaries or the smaller veins, the smallest veins, die first. That's why you can, like, lose toes and stuff. That's why you go blind, 'cause you're not getting any blood flow to those parts.
Sean: So they have to like, amputate toes, and then you amputate feet, and then you amputate...from the knee down, so.
Maddox: See, this is how you can tell a robot wasn't...didn't design humans. Because if they did, you would shut down different priorities, right? If I was going to lose body parts, I would put a li-...I would make a list of which one is priority.
Dick: Oh! This is, this is your...the argument you're making now is why...is the argument I have against intelligent design! (cracking up) (yells) You look at this body and you think this was designed INTELLIGENTLY?? (Maddox laughs) You know how many fuckin' failure points are on this thing?! WHY DO I HAVE ONLY ONE DICK? (Maddox laughs more) If it's the whole reason I'm alive??
Maddox: (chuckling) Well, it's not the whole reason, Di-...oh, maybe YOU.
Dick: Yeah!! All of us.
Dick: Intelligent design, my ass.
Maddox: Yeah. So, too many failure points. That's your problem, huh?
Dick: No, my problem is type 2 diabetes.
Maddox: Oh. (laughs) Okay.
Dick: Did I ever tell you about the bet I made with my life coach about whether or not he was pre-diabetic?
Maddox: I was THERE, buddy! I remember this! Go on, tell it -
Dick: (interjects) You were?!
Dick: Okay, we never...we never settled that bet, 'cause I refused to pay him.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)
Dick: I bet -- he's a big guy. I bet him that he was pre-diabetic.
Maddox: Pre-diabetic, I remember this! I was in the car, and this was during opening day...on our way to opening day at Dodger Stadium, I believe! And we were talkin' about drinking and eating steaks and all that, and you were like, "Oh, you're a big fat..." Yeah.
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I'm like, "You're definitely pre-diabetic."
Maddox: And, and -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause it's like an increased blood sugar or something right after you eat.
Maddox: But the controversy here was that his wife's a nurse...
Maddox: ...and she was going to take his vitals, and you didn't trust his vitals. Right?
Dick: Well...well, the controversy is also when you make a bet like this, for like 300 bucks, right?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: You make a...you sit down, and it's a whole...it's a whole courtship. There's a whole process to it. You make...you make rules, and you set timelines. Like, I don't want him going off into the woods and exercising for 4 weeks (Maddox laughs) like Rocky IV, and suddenly come in -
Maddox: (interjects) No, why would you want your FRIEND to get healthier? (cracks up) Even in spite of a bet.
Dick: AFTER I take the money, I want it.
Dick: So, I... (stammers) This whole thing needs to play out! Right? This whole pageantry of making the bet needs to play out!
Dick: And he robbed me of that, because the next time I saw him he just goes, "Yeah, wife says I'm not. So pay up."
Maddox: Yeah, okay. (laughing)
Dick: I'm like, "What is this, a shakedown? What do you mean, 'wife says I'm not, so pay up'?"
Dick: "I'd like a second opinion!"
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: "And by the way, wife, I'm tryin' to get your husband here to lose some weight! What are ya DOIN'?"
Maddox: Yeah, why don't you just say -
Dick: (interjects) "Look at the long con here!"
Maddox: Just say "yes"!
Dick: Yeah!! Just say, "Yeah, of course!" Fudge the results, lie!
Maddox: Uh, I went out on a date with a girl who was, uh...you know, a little thick. Uh, and it would really piss her off...I thought I was doin' her a favor, but it really pissed her off when we were at a bar and she wanted a Jack and Coke; I'd go go up to the bartender and say, "Jack and Diet." (both laugh) She overheard me one time, she was FURIOUS.
Dick: "And I'd like a harpoon to give it to her." (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: "I'm doin' you a favor, dickhead!!"
Dick: Yeah, that's usually a mistake.
Maddox: Alright, Dick. (wearily)
Dick: You're doin'...when you think you're doin' someone a favor, that usually means you're goin' the wrong way.
Maddox: Yeah, alright. So speaking of timelines, we gotta get movin' here. Let's -
Dick: (interjects) How big was she?
Maddox: Uh, not...not BIG, but you know, I'm just doin'...I'm helpin' her out a little bit! Pushin'...I'm just edging her in the right direction. Like, um, what's that...curling!! The Olympic sport of curling? They're basically just massaging the ice to get the big, uh, the big shuffle to go down in the right direction.
Maddox: That's what I was doin'! I was shuffling -
Dick: (interjects) Ohh, like when they unbeach a whale! Like, they make it wet and then like, shove her back into the ocean. (Maddox laughs loudly) Right?
Maddox: Yeah, exactly like that, Dick.
Maddox: Alright, asshole! Let's get to a real problem. (cracking up) Another real problem. I honestly think that the black discrepancy thing is the biggest problem in the universe, BUT -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, it's like...you'd have to dig so far into stats to get any other comparison than that out of it.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, here we go. The second biggest problem in the universe, for real...automatic hand dryers!
Dick: Yeah, that's a big problem.
Maddox: (clapping sound effect) ('ding!' sound effect) Yeah! Automatic hand dryers. Big problem, Dick! Why? Well, this is according to WTOP.com News: "Scientists from the University of Leeds found that high-powered 'jet-air' and warm air hand dryers can spread bacteria in public restrooms. Also, airborne germ counts were 27 times higher around jet air dryers in comparison with the air around paper towel dispensers, researchers found." [ http://wtop.com/news/2014/11/hand-dryers-spread-germs-in-bathrooms-scientists-say/ ] And guess what? They don't even dry your hands that well!
Dick: They don't dry 'em at all.
Sean: They don't stay on long enough.
Dick: Yeah, that's true.
Sean: And they also tout them as being MORE sanitary than paper towels, which sounds like it's bullshit!
Maddox: No, it's far less! Because they're blowing it straight down to the ground, where there's a bunch of bacteria and germs and bullshit and people's drippings and snot and boogers and spit and cum, and whoever knows what else!
Maddox: And it's...well, I go to some seedy bars, buddy! And it's blowing all that shit straight down, and then bouncing off the floor and getting right in your fuckin' eyes, in your...in your nose, in your throat!
Sean: And they're loud as hell.
Maddox: Yeah! They ARE loud, Sean! Good point! I looked it up. Guess how loud those XLerator, those like ultra...jet engine fucking things are? The ones -
Dick: (interjects) 105 decibels.
Maddox: Close! It's about...it's anywhere from...well, their website says 70 to 80, but I looked up a more reputable source other than their website. It says at LEAST 90 decibels.
Maddox: So for comparison, a gas mower is 95 decibels. That's like putting a mower up to your ear!
Maddox: A lawn mower!
Sean: Each 10 decibel increase? It means double the loudness.
Maddox: Double the loudness! A -
Dick: (interjects) That's like each...each 10 pounds is like double the 'ew.' (Maddox and Sean laugh) Like, 10 pounds is like, "Ohhh!" (grossed out) and another 10 pounds is like, "OHHHH, God!! Oh my god!"
Maddox: You know what? Make that a Diet Coke and Diet Coke. (smiling) (Dick chuckles) Uh, keep the Jack. Um, a leaf blower's about 115 decibels, an ambulance is 125, jackhammer is 125, chain saw - 115, rock concert - about 115...these are like, damaging ear levels. A firework or a gunshot is about 145, and up at the very top is a 12 gauge shotgun... (cracks up) ...at 165 decibels. And the only thing louder on this list that I have is...a rocket launch. (laughs)
Maddox: So you could even...you could either put a 12 gauge shotgun -- anyway, man. You dry your hands enough on these bullshit-ass dryers, you're gonna go deaf!
Maddox: How's that...that's the biggest problem in the universe!! No one can hear anything 'cause you're dryin' your hands all the time!
Maddox: Yeah! Big problem! [continues quoting WTOP.com article] "The germs lingered in the air beyond the 15 seconds it takes to dry your hands -- sometimes lasting more than 5 minutes after you leave the restroom." So even if you go -
Dick: (interjects) They're just floating around, like in a fog?
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, like a big soupy mess of bullshit that you're gettin' in your eyes and throat and nose.
Dick: That's gross.
Maddox: I bet you would see a lower...you would see a lower incidence of the flu if people stopped using these hand dryers.
Maddox: And now they have those Airblades! Have you seen those things? Where you have to play Operation puttin' your hands down these fuckin' things??
Dick: Or else you scrape the side and you're like, "Welp, that's ruined! I gotta go re-wash my hands!"
Maddox: "Gotta wash my hands again!"
Dick: "I got the fuckin' charley horse!"
Sean: That FUCKIN' asshole Dyson, with the vacuum cleaners.
Maddox: The Dyson!
Maddox: Those Airblades, those Dyson Airblades are pieces of SHIT. You're playin' Operation putting 'em down there. The sensors never work, so you gotta bang your hands around, touching the disgusting sides of... (stammers) It's just like, mildewy, gross sweat and other people's...DRIPPINGS.
Dick: And it's plastic, so it can never be cleaned!
Dick: It's just porous and gross.
Maddox: And they never clean them!! You know they never clean them. Can you imagine a cleaning lady going into the bathroom and going through the proper procedures to clean this thing? Of course not! Because you would have to turn the machine off and THEN clean it, because if you sprayed any cleaning materials in there while the thing was on, it's gonna blow those into your eyes!
Maddox: Those things never fucking work! My hands are ALWAYS wet, and then I grab the door handle with my wet hands, which is just gonna be like a SPONGE for disease and bacteria! You can probably get diabetes that way!
Dick: You probably can, I don't know. I didn't do any additional research on diabetes.
Maddox: Yeah, look it up!
Dick: Um, I really hate those things, and I think...I remember thinking this when they previewed them. Like the news, local news was doing a hot tech preview?
Dick: Of these "amazing new hand dryers," and they're like, "Actually, uh, they dry your hands 100 times faster than with a towel!"
Maddox: Bullshit. Bull fuckin' shit!
Dick: And I remember watchin' this guy, thinkin' like, "You're...you're, like, a bad person."
Dick: Right? Like, your job...you're selling these...stupid, um, hand dryers that everyone's gonna hate.
Maddox: Glorified air dryers. You know...and you know what else I hate about those, Dick? Sometimes you walk into a bathroom because you're having an emergency. Maybe you have a bloody nose, uh, because you just got punched by me, and you're walkin' in looking for some paper towels or somethin' to clot it up; no fuckin' paper towels! And all you have is that single-ply, bullshit, pre-Soviet toilet paper that fucking cheap restaurants use.
Maddox: 'Cause they're saving literally a BUCK. And you walk in there, you just have to use that shit! And then I sometimes dry my hand with that because I feel like I...I need to get my hands really dry, or I have something disgusting on my hands, some oil, some dirt, something! I can't use the fuckin' hair dryer that they have there. What if you have an emergency? You gotta walk in, you need some paper towels for something! Blow your nose?
Dick: No, that happens...that happens to me at the gym a lot. Like I'll scrape my shins deadlifting or something?
Dick: And, uh, I got nothin' to do.
Dick: I gotta, like, go home.
Maddox: Yeah! (amused)
Dick: Like, "Welp, I gotta take my shirt off and dry this blood off my legs, and then go home!"
Dick: "Cause there's no...I'm not using this toilet paper..."
Dick: "...this translucent toilet paper, to do it."
Maddox: The toilet paper's awful!
Dick: "And there's no towels."
Maddox: Yeah, or if you're sick and you go into a restaurant, or you stop by someplace, you gotta blow your nose...there's NOTHING in there. And then if you...if you DO make the mistake of using that godawful toilet paper, it just breaks apart in your hand. You can't get that shit out of your hair. I have hairy knuckles, man!
Dick: Here's why it's a big problem: because technology is slowly making all of our lives worse. (Maddox chuckles) It really is! This is technology. They couldn't have built these dumb things like...50 years ago.
Maddox: You know...
Dick: Right? The components and the circuitry and the dumb motion detection?
Dick: You couldn't have built that 30 years ago!
Dick: You couldn't have built it 20 years ago and installed it in bars all over America. But now you can, and it's made all of our lives worse. Because the alternative is this stupid little motion sensing thing that spits out about 2 inches of paper towel.
Maddox: Yeah, that's...that's pretty shitty too. I mean, they've taken something that was so simple and a non-issue and made it into a problem. The biggest problem in the universe. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Anyway Dick, those are my problems this week: Black Unemployment Disparity and Automatic Hand Dryers.
Dick: Mine are Ghostbusting the Patriarchy and Type 2 Diabetes.
Maddox: Don't forget to vote on these problems on the website, http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. (closing riff starts) Black Unemployment Disparity might actually be the biggest problem!
Maddox: Thanks for listening.
Dick: Oh, I got, uh...no, I got one more thing from...Tim Johns! Check out this spicy, erotic audiobook clip he sent us. (Maddox chuckles) Featuring Dick and Maddox, as narrated by the lady at Audible with the milking story. (sexy tone) Yeah, play it.
Maddox: Oh, this sounds hot!
[audiobook parody begins]
(flat, computerized female voice narrates)
Narrator: Dick Masterson and Maddox in: Changing the Sheets. Chapter 1. (Maddox chuckles) This story takes place on a warm August evening back at Dick Masterson's apartment in Hollywood, California at 7:42 P.M.
Maddox: Got it right! (Dick laughs)
Dick: Like Law and Order.
Narrator: Dick and Maddox are sitting in Dick's living room watching Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights on the television set. (Dick and Sean burst out laughing)
Maddox: Okay... (chuckles)
Narrator: Dick reaches for the remote control to pause the program and asks Maddox if he would like a refreshment from the kitchen. (Dick laughs hysterically)
Maddox: Okay. (apprehensively)
Narrator: Maddox replies with, "Yes, a cold drink at this time would be most exquisite." (Dick giggles)
Narrator: Dick then goes into the kitchen and proceeds to make Maddox the most potent Rum and Coke that Maddox will ever sample in his life to date.
Maddox: Yeah. (surly)
Dick: That's true!! (screeching)
Maddox: Probably roofied. (smiles)
Narrator: Dick returns to the living room and serves Maddox his stiff cocktail. (everyone laughs) Maddox takes a sip from his glass and immediately notices the considerable strength of his drink...
Maddox: Well, that's happened, actually. (amused)
Narrator: ...but does not pay much thought and continues to chug away at the tall glass of rum. (Dick and Maddox laugh) One drink led to seven...
Dick: Oh, wow!
Narrator: ...and about 2 and half hours later, Dick starts to take notice that Maddox appears to be quite tipsy from all of the heavy alcohol consumption.
Maddox: Is it gonna be a rape fuckin' fantasy? (Dick laughs more)
Dick: Fantasy! (sexy tone)
Narrator: At this point, Dick finally decides to make his first bold move of the night.
Maddox: Oh, boy.
Dick: Oh, wait a minute. I haven't listened past here.
Narrator: Dick sits next to Maddox and says, "Hey man, you are in no shape to drive home while in this state." (everyone bursts out laughing) "I care far too much about your well-being."
Dick: Oh, god!! FALSE.
Narrator: "Why don't you sleep here tonight?"
Maddox: Yeah. (grinning)
Narrator: "There is plenty of room on my Cal king bed in the other room." (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) Maddox replies to Dick with, "Okay Dick, that sounds like a splendid idea." (more laughter) Then the two of them proceed into Dick's bedroom.
Maddox: Alright. (uneasily)
Narrator: As they approach Dick's bed, Maddox stops dead in his tracks and says, "There is no way that I am going to get into this bed, at least not until you change those filthy chili-stained sheets, you silly goose." (both laugh uncontrollably)
Maddox: "You silly goose!"
Narrator: Dick says, "Fine," and then cracks open a brand new package of sheets to put on his bed.
Dick: Not even washed?
Narrator: Dick pulls the dirty sheets off of his mattress...
Maddox: I'll take it over your chili sheets.
Narrator: ...then proceeds to put the fresh new pair on, but then abruptly stops.
Dick: Oh my god! (squeaking)
Maddox: Dumbass. Can't even get laid with your best bud.
Narrator: At this point, Dick looks very perplexed. Maddox asks Dick, "Well, why did you stop? Are you going to put on those new sheets or what?" Dick replies to Maddox by informing him that he wasn't sure which corner of the fitted sheet matched which corner of the mattress...
Dick: Still erotic.
Narrator: ...because his man that he brought home from Burning Man used to take care of such chores. (Dick cackles) Maddox just shakes his head and calls Dick a fucking retard... (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Ohh. (dismayed)
Narrator: ...and tells Dick to just hand him the sheets and that he will make the bed himself.
Dick: H'okay. (chuckling)
Narrator: Dick gives Maddox the sheets and Maddox starts to make the bed. As Maddox is putting on the sheets, he is bent over the bed and Dick takes notice. (both laugh)
Maddox: Oh, jeez. (giggling uncomfortably)
Narrator: Dick starts to salivate at the mouth like a rabid animal...
Dick: Ugh, god!! (disgusted)
Maddox: Gross, man.
Dick: Is this almost over?
Narrator: ...and gets the biggest erection in the universe as he strongly gazes at Maddox's backside. (Sean chuckles in the background)
Maddox: Oh, boy.
Narrator: At this point he rips off his shirt like a WWF wrestler (everyone bursts out laughing) and jumps onto Maddox's back and pins him to the bed. He tears off Maddox's pants and then says, "Hey Maddox, I have got a Dick Tip for you." (more laughter) And then Maddox says, "Oh man, I cannot hardly wait. Please show me your stats. Oo baby. Oh baby. Oo baby baby."
Dick: "Show me your stats!" (giggling)
Narrator: Then Dick says, "Good, because I've got a hard stats for you..." (both groan in disgust) "...my Armenian cuddle bug." (more laughter) Meanwhile out on the fire escape, Boisterous Coconuts peers into Dick Masterson's window while vigorously jerking off, screaming "I am a digital cyber demon!"... (everyone still laughing) ...taking full advantage of the free show going on inside.
Narrator: Throughout the apartment and onto the fire escape, the three friends shared a special bond together that went on into the Los Angeles after hours. It was a night that they would be sure to never forget. (both crack up)
Narrator: To be continued.
[audiobook parody ends]
Maddox: Oh, GREAT. No! Augh. (laughs)
Dick: No, it's not gonna be continued at all. How did YOU escape that, Sean?
Maddox: Yeah, Sean was...Sean was watchin' through the window.
Dick: No, it was Asterios!
Sean: I was with Bill Cosby.
Dick: Oh, sure. (chuckling)
Maddox: Oh, okay. Great. (sarcastic)