The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 34

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

(Theme riff in background)

Dick: Today's show is brought to you by...our own bonus episode!

[montage of clips from Bonus Episode 3 plays; theme music continues in background]

Maddox: Rude people! That's the biggest solution in the universe: it's ME. You're welcome, buddy. (jeering)


Maddox: If more people drove like me, there'd be no traffic!

Dick: Yeah, 'cause everyone would be dead. (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing)


Maddox: The first person to dance is the best person at the party! Except -- I mean, if you like to dance, which I don't, which is stupid as shit! But at least... (Dick laughs hysterically) At least someone's doing it!

Dick: (giggling) "At least someone's..." Is that how you, is... (laughs more) Is that what you do??

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: "At least someone's doin' it! I'm out here dancing by myself!" (sounds crazed)

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: "Tryin' to kick...get things started!"

Maddox: (yelling) I've done it before! I fucking hate dancing, but I get up on the dance floor! (Dick giggles hysterically) 'Cause like, this fuckin'...uh, dipshit wedding I'm at, no one's dancing 'cause they fuckin' PLANNED it shitty and they...they invited a buncha shitty coward guests who aren't dancing! I'LL fuckin' get up there, I'll dance! GREAT! Here's your stupid fuckin' song!! Here's my stupid dance.

Dick: (squeaking through laughter) There's Maddox, out there by himself BEFORE the bride and the groom at their first dance 'cause he doesn't understand wedding protocol! (Maddox laughs hysterically) Dancing some...weird Middle Eastern dance!! (cackles loudly)

Maddox: Oh... (worn out from laughing)

Dick: Screaming at the band to play and that they're all cowards! (gleeful) (everyone keeps laughing)


[clip montage ends]

Dick: Now available at

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Hey!! What's up, buddy?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Gentlemen!

Dick: (chuckling) Hey, Sean. Is that your thing now? You say "gentlemen" now?

Sean: I don't know what else to...I don't know what else to say.

Dick: Okay. (amused)

Maddox: Sean, I've been there. 'Cause I, that's -

Sean: (interjects) To quickly address the both of you. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: That is...that is the mark of a guy who's thought about it.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Right? That's the sign of a guy who's thought about it. 'Cause I've done that too! I'm like, "What do you say at the top of the show? Who knows?"

Dick: Yeah, I don't know what that's like. Uh... (Maddox chuckles) That's why Sean is never gonna bring in a problem. (Maddox laughs more) 'Cause he's gotta think about everything SO fuckin' much.

Maddox: Sean's a thinker!

Sean: That's...that's probably true.

Dick: Yeah, you -- I think you'll think yourself out of it. Like you'll come up with a problem and then figure it out, by thinking about it so much? You're like, "Well, I guess it's not a problem after all."

Sean: It's a curse.

Maddox: It's related to MY problem today, Dick.

Dick: Huh!

Maddox: Um, so...Dick, last week...let's get this out of the way. Um... (Dick cackles loudly, gloating)

Dick: AhahahahahaHAAAAAAH!! Get WHAT out of the way?

Maddox: Just the voting. The voting!

Dick: The 'whatever problem won'? (grinning)

Maddox: It's...NO problem wins, Dick! (Dick laughs) That's, dude, in the comments people are startin' to say things like, "Oh, Maddox, can't believe you brought in that lowball problem just to get votes, blah blah blah!" (stupid voice)

Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)

Maddox: Or they'll say, "I'm voting specifically for Dick just to hear the song," or whatever.

Dick: Ohhh! (slyly) What...

Maddox: That's not what this show's about.

Dick: ...which song? (laughs more)

Maddox: Look, guys. I'm curious...I'm genuinely interested in finding out what the biggest problem in the universe is based on your votes. So please take that into consideration when you vote. And apparently -

Dick: (interjects) And what was it?

Maddox: You know what, Dick? I actually agree with the voting last week!

Dick: Oh! (quietly)

Maddox: It was...Made In China was a bigger problem than New Year's Resolutions.

Dick: Ohhhh! (mischievously) [plays his "Maddox Lost" song] (both burst out laughing)

(drums and electric guitar)

Dick (singing): Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! 'CAUSE HIS PROBLEMS FUCKIN' SUCK!

Maddox: (over song) Okay. (tiredly)

Dick: Ahhh! (satisfied)

Maddox: Yep.

Dick (singing): Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Diiiiiiiiiiick is the winnerrrrr!

(song plays out with more drums and guitar)

Dick: That part takes like half the song. [song finally ends]

Maddox: Oh yeah, I know. (playfully annoyed) (Sean laughs)

Dick: The "Dick is the winner" part is like, half the time of the song.

Maddox: (booing sound effect) There you go.

Dick: Ahhh. (pleased with himself)

Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's Mom yelling, "You so arrogant!")

Dick: Yeah...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Feels good! I'm getting trained like Pavlov's dog with that song. (cracking up)

Maddox: Yeah. (dryly) Me too. I veins start bursting as soon as I hear it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Anyway guys, um, yeah! know, I would agree with that, Dick.

Dick: It didn't get a lot of votes.

Maddox: No, it didn't.

Dick: It didn't win by much.

Maddox: It didn't WIN -

Dick: (interjects) Or it didn't get outvoted...

Maddox: There you go. (chuckling)

Dick: ...or whatever you wanna say, by much. Um...yeah, there was a lot of -- there was a lot of interesting commentary about it in the comments this week.

Maddox: Um, go ahead, Dick. I want you to start with the comments, 'cause my comment is going to lead into my problem. So however you want to leave off, let me know and then my last comment is gonna lead into my problem.

Dick: This -- oh, okay. This was my favorite: Jon Bromley...uh, he posts this gigantic and very interesting comment about being a fabricator? Who like, oversees production in China?

Maddox: Oh, yeah!

Dick: That's his job.

Maddox: Oh, interesting.

Dick: He's an American who goes over there and like, tries to fix up the process.

Maddox: Great! What does he say?

Dick: Basically he's saying that...he was saying that it used to be like that, but it's less of a problem now. Uh, and he gives reasons why. It was an interesting comment. (cracks up) And then one guy, David Lugo, just responds: "So it's your fault the monster truck didn't work." (everyone laughs)

Maddox: Great, that's -- I'm glad that that's what you took from it. (sarcastic)

Dick: I...our fans are just really funny!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, the Korean girl that I took to Burning Man? The Shitty Passengers girl?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: She was...I was talkin' to her yesterday. She's like, "You got...all of your fans are really funny. Like all the comments is just people *constantly* fucking with you..."

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: "...fucking with each other, like it's just...that's the atmosphere that you guys have created. It's hilarious. It's great, I love it."

Maddox: (talking over Dick) Yeah, buncha assholes! Buncha assholes. When people try to -- sometimes people sign me up for shows, to be guest appearances or you know, blog... (Dick laughs) ...a guest blog writer, or whatever.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I will warn them ahead of time. I said, "Look, if you want me to promote this through Maddox, you're asking me to open a can of worms here. My fans are assholes. Just know what you're gettin' into."

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: EVERY time. I have to prep them and warn them, and actually I've dissuaded probably about 50 percent of the people. (chuckling)

Dick: I love it! It's like a Pandora's box, getting you involved.

Maddox: Oh yeah, I've dealt with this my whole fuckin' life, man! I know these...these guys. These knuckleheads.

Dick: Uh, @TheRafture on...@TheRafture on Twitter says, "@dickmasterson Got into argument w/ dad at Xmas dinner, told me about some study he read, I inadvertently blurted out 'I got a stats for ya.'" (cracking up) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: (sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.")

Dick: Yeah, that's pretty funny. (grinning) Uh, Kevin Flanagan says, "I didn't realize it was cool to send gifts. Expect a box full of AIDS in the next couple days."

Maddox: Great! (sarcastic)

Dick: I guess, uh...that's cool.

Maddox: What does that look like?

Dick: (laughing) I dunno.

Maddox: My mom would probably know. She's wished that upon me, so. (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick: Really?!

Maddox: Oho, yeah. (Dick and Sean laugh hysterically) Oh yeah, that's a whole story, buddy. I got a, that's a...that's an episode. Maybe I'll bring it in for a bonus episode.

Dick: Bring it in for Mother's Day! What's up, Sean?

Sean: Your mom gets worse every week! (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Oh, yeah!


Maddox: Oh, this isn't even the tip of the iceberg, buddy! These are just like, the Cliffs Notes!

Sean: Wishing AIDS on her kid??

Maddox: Oh yeah! Oh yeah. It's uh, it's up there, man. That's up there.

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: I could go, I would have to do like, a 4-part miniseries of just stories from my mom.

Sean: I guess!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 4 parts? You could cram it all into 4 parts?

Maddox: No. (amused) These are...these would just be the highlights.

Dick: Would it be like Lord of the Rings, Part... (cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick:, parts?

Maddox: Yeah! (laughing) These would be the lowlights of uh, stories from my mom. (Dick laughs) Anyway, what -

Dick: (interjects) Uh, Brian Tougas says, "People need to vote Maddox's 'Resolution' problem up. His points were solid, and he actually gave great advice for breaking down difficult goals into manageable chunks."

Maddox: Yeah, I read that comment! Thank you, that was a really insightful comment.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The guy got what I was trying to say!

Dick: He said, "If you're so emotionally fragile that you need to wait until a 'special day' to take action towards an important goal, you should probably just give up now."

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah... (unsure)

Maddox: Don't even start. You know, Dick, I -- something kept resonating with me after last episode.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: You know? Because I'm not a disingenuous person when I argue. When I...because that's why sometimes I'll mention stats that will be in favor of YOUR argument.

Dick: Yeah, you're...

Maddox: Even though I know -

Dick: (interjects) You're very even-handed. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah! (laughing)

Dick: I get it. You're great. (dryly) (Maddox laughs harder) What...what do you want? What's the point?

Maddox: Even though...even though I know it may help your argument. So last time when I mentioned that, said, "Well, aren't people more likely to accomplish their goals if they make resolutions?"

Dick: (interjects) Well...wait, can I interrupt you for one second?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It makes for a more interesting show. 'Cause...I think that's what you're saying when you say it's not a contest?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, if you bring in stats that are *interesting,* you might "lose," whatever? It might hurt your case, but it makes for a more interesting show.

Maddox: Sure! Of course. And so, I...last time you mentioned that you're more likely to accomplish your goals if you make New Year's Resolutions. And according to that study it was 10 times more likely that you would accomplish your goals if you made resolutions, which STILL only amounted to an 8 percent increase of you potentially making your goals. So it's basically 10 percent of nothing.

Dick: I got a voicemail about that. You wanna hear it?

Maddox: Or 10 times nothing, yeah.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. Here you go. [plays first voicemail message]

Voicemail: The problem that I have with Maddox's assertion is that eight percent...let's round up to 10 percent...

Maddox: No. (annoyed)

Dick: Well... (nonchalantly) (Maddox chuckles)

Voicemail: one of your fingers being cut off of your HAND.

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: Sure. (under his breath)

Voicemail: That is NOT infinitesimal, as you said in your last episode.

Maddox: Nooo, dickhead. (exasperated)

Voicemail: RIDICULOUS.

Maddox: Ohh, no.

Voicemail: Eat...ALL of the dicks in the world. (everyone laughs) Love, Brian. (surly tone)

[message ends]

(both keep laughing)

Dick: Welp, there's no 'fuck me'? Oh, okay! (quietly; amused)

Maddox: No, what's...what's infinitesimal isn't the 8 percent; it's the likelihood that makes it 10 times more likely that you're going to accomplish your goals.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: THAT'S still infinitesimal, because it only amounts to an 8 percent increase. So it's basically 10 times 1 percent, which is infinitesimal.

Dick: Ehh... (stammers) Alright. Yeah, but your problem with it -- people, like, with jobs and kids and responsibilities?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's nice to have a day that they can...make a resolution. It's not as easy as you're making it seem.

Maddox: Oh! (mocking)

Dick: Like, 'just be better any time.'

Maddox: Yeah Dick, I'm AGREEING with you, and that day is *today.* (Dick scoffs and laughs) Don't fucking wait until the New Year, don't wait until a solstice, don't wait until your birthday; make it fucking today. Because if you don't, you're NEVER gonna accomplish those goals. Take the first step NOW.

Dick: Okay. (dismissively)

Maddox: Right after you listen to this podcast.

Dick: Alright, Dr. Phil. (Maddox laughs loudly) Let's...calm down. Jon Clancy...uh, this is directed at you, Sean! This guy's disappointed. (Sean laughs) We posted a bunch of behind-the-scenes photos at our last podcast.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Do you remember that? 'Cause we opened a bunch of presents.

Sean: I saw that.

Dick: Yeah, and it was the first time that YOU were featured. Were you happy with the picture? 'Cause I was NOT happy with the picture of me that got posted. I look like a fat idiot.

Maddox: DICK... (annoyed)

Sean: (interjects) I think it was just a shot of me from the side. I'm opening the uh, Butterfingers, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah. (smiling)

Maddox: Sean, I picked the most flattering photo of you. And Dick, you as well. (Dick laughs hysterically) You had...there was a picture of you wearing the Toms shoes; I thought, "Well, this'll ruin his career!"

Dick: Oh. (exasperated)

Maddox: "I don't wanna do this to him."

Dick: Did I look good in that picture?

Maddox: No, you looked terrible wearing the Toms shoes, 'cause Toms shoes are terrible shoes!

Dick: Well, Jon Clancy says, "I was picturing Sean to be fatter."

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: [comment continues] "I dunno, he just kind of has a fat voice."

Maddox: Yes!

Sean: (laughing) I have no idea what a 'fat voice' is, but...

Dick: Me either!

Maddox: *I* do! (Dick laughs) I've heard...when I talk to people on the phone sometimes, especially customer service, I know within probably a 98-percent degree of accuracy how fat they are. (Dick and Sean laugh)

Dick: Is there, like, a tuba playing in the background or something? (Maddox laughs) Why is it...

Maddox: 'Boum, boum, boum, boum...' (mimicking up-and-down tuba notes)

Dick: ...why do you know how fat they are? (laughing)

Maddox: No, because you can hear the heavier breathing, and the tenor of their voice...

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Like, you KNOW a fat person. You know they have a fat voice. And they're -

Dick: (interjects) Maybe they're just a psychopath!

Maddox: No! Psychopaths don't sound fat!

Dick: When they're on the -- they're like... (imitates creepy heavy breathing) Right? Like the guy in Scream?

Maddox: Oh, no no no.

Dick: No?

Maddox: No, that's a pant. It's more like,'s just more like a heavy breathing, like almost -- they're sighing in between breaths.

Dick: Hm.

Maddox: You know what I mean? And that's like, a fat sigh. They're just like, "I'm fat." (low-pitched; taking effort to get the words out)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Anyway, it's hard to explain 'cause you've never *been* really fat.

Dick: No!

Maddox: I was a fat guy, so I know...I know a fat voice! 'Cause I used to have a fat voice.

Dick: Let's see, I got some more voicemails here. This one was a...this one was a weird one. [plays second voicemail message]

Voicemail: Dick Fucking Masterson.

Dick: Yep. (Maddox laughs)

Voicemail: The guy who in one episode will point to his ridiculous libertarian principles...

Maddox: Yup.

Voicemail: ...and then in the next episode will point to how China makes shitty products because they have less regulations.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Well... (doubtful)

Voicemail: The principle there being that regulations are *good,* and that we would make better products because we have more strict regulations.

Maddox: Mmhm.

Voicemail: You know, those things that libertarians wanna get rid of.

Dick: Is that what you got out of what I was saying?

Maddox: Abso-fuckin'-lutely, Dick! That's why I... (stammers)

Voicemail: Sooo, fuck you Dick. Have a good day.

[message ends]

Maddox: It was BOGGLING my mind -

Dick: Well -

Maddox: - because you have these, like, staunch libertarian views, and then you're admonishing China for having...uh, you know, no regulations and making products for as cheaply as possible!

Dick: First of all, I.....I like to take things in moderation.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, some things. Not liquor, but some things. (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh... (stammers) Regulations like you have to show what's in the product you're buying, like food? I don't mind that.

Maddox: Oh, okay. (amused)

Dick: Is that like, is this...? Do people think that libertarians are just, like, anarcho-capitalists? Like, "Whatever goes! Whatever it takes to make a buck, that's what I want!"

Maddox: I mean, that's a -

Dick: (interjects) "Roll over people with a steamroller, I don't fuckin' care." (mocking)

Maddox: Yeah!! Yeah, that's a moderate view of libertarianism.

Dick: Eh... (protesting)

Maddox: By the way, Dick, you remember a long time ago we got in a debate over email, and we had this exact same conversation and I called you "Anything-For-A-Buck Masterson."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I sent you a photo of a guy who had his eyes blinded with dollar bills and then a whole bunch of like, sweatshops and shit like that. You remember that?

Dick: I remember that.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Uh, sometimes I look at the emails you and I send back and forth and I think about, like, the Jefferson-Adams papers? (Maddox giggles) Like, letters that these learned men of history wrote to one another, and I'm horrified imagining that like 200 years in the future ANY of our email chains will come out. (about to laugh)

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: People would be like, "This is how these fuckin' idiots talked to each other?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And who -- and by that point, it might actually SOUND learned!

Maddox: Yeah...yeah.

Dick: You know? And like, that might be a sophisticated level of discourse. Well, you brought up the whole capitalist thing too. This was my point with China: over decades of currency manipulation, which I never got into, they've established themselves as a global addiction for manufacturing. You see what I'm saying? Like their entire industrial base serves to make goods, some of which are shitty, for the whole planet. And by this point, even if they are recovering, there's no escaping that.

Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) Well -

Dick: (interjects) And that's, that's...there's nothing libertarian about a country manipulating its currency to the detriment of their own poor people.

Maddox: Um...

Dick: Like, do you understand how currency manipulation works?

Maddox: Yes, Dick, of course. I -

Dick: (interjects) That's not a...that's not a trivial question!!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Because it's confusing! It's like, how does a currency become less valuable?

Maddox: The way China does it is by not floating their currency. Most currencies are pegged to the dollar, or pegged to the pound -- excuse me, pegged to the pound or pegged to the euro; China's isn't floating. China's is fixed at...I think it was like, 8 yuan to the dollar, somethin' like that. That's how they manipulate the currency. However, Dick, it's always a two-party system. It's similar to the argument that people make that immigrants are "taking our jobs." I always like to point out that, hey, they're not "taking" our jobs; companies are GIVING them the jobs. Right? It's a two-party system, you can't just TAKE something. So if China becomes the cheapest manufacturer in the world, isn't the culpability also on America and Europe and the rest of the Western societies to not use it if they feel that the way China's manufacturing products is, uh, untenable or immoral?

Dick: But here's the thing. (clears throat) And here's why I think capitalism or libertarianism or whatever is getting -- money's getting blamed for this when it's not money's fault.

Maddox: What? (chuckling)

Dick: When you fix...when you fix a currency, when you are...when you're taking money and buying imaginary money from the U.S., right? So China's taking their dongs or their yuans (Maddox and Sean laugh) or whatever they have, and they're saying, "Give us treasury bonds."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: "We don't care, just take your money back."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because they...when they do that, they prevent the people in these factories from getting more money to a point where it would be too expensive to manufacture there. (slowly for emphasis) Do you see what I'm saying? So by doing this, they ruin the entire POINT of what the market would protect them from. Does that make sense?

Maddox: Uh, well, Dick...yeah, I hear that, but the -

Dick: (interjects) Because they can't increase their wages!

Maddox: Right. I, I -

Dick: (interjects) Because they're being artificially lowered.

Maddox: No, but that's, that' the argument, Dick, the reason they're doing that -- and this is like, sound economic theory -- is that they are doing that to create a manufacturing base in their country, so that -

Dick: (interjects) The GOVERNMENT is.

Maddox: The government is.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: So that once...once they get to a sufficient level of economy, once they raise their economy to a sufficiently large enough size...

Dick: Right.

Maddox: ...THEN they can turn around and float their currency again, and then they'll say, "Okay - "

Dick: (interjects) Which they are doing!

Maddox: They are doing, of course! 'Cause there's enough pressure from NATO and a few other, know, what's that, G8 countries -

Dick: (interjects) Internally as well, people are goin' fuckin' crazy!

Maddox: Well -

Dick: Because investors...investors don't like currency manipulating, 'cause they can't invest their money. Only manufacturers do.

Maddox: Well...sure, sure, but let me finish this point.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: When they have, uh...when they have established enough of a manufacturing base, then they float their currency again. Then China's gonna turn around and be on top, because guess what? They already have the manufacturing base AND they have the strong economy, so that's China's strategy. I'm not sure if it's right or wrong or whether it's gonna work, but that's at least a sound economic theory.

Dick: No one is doubting that and I'm not doubting that. However, the only reason I'm bringing it up is because it's not the people doing this organically; it's the government saying, "This is our strategy."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And THAT, that's as anti-libertarian as it gets. I'm not saying that it's even a good...libertarianism is a good philosophy. I'm just saying to this guy who said 'how could I knock China for this strategy?' It's...their strategy is a bunch of dudes sitting around, thinking what's best for people while they're starving and committing suicide in their fuckin' factories. I'm very against that!

Maddox: Well, then why do you own an iPhone manufactured in one of these factories?

Dick: I'm against it so far as I have to suffer for it. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Okay. (grinning) (Sean laughs in the background) Alright.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So you personally don't want to be in one of these factories, but you're okay with paying somebody else to do it.

Dick: It doesn't -- what I'm okay with is irrelevant. (Maddox bursts out laughing) Where I spend my money is...what my money-spending says is that I don't give a fuck.

Maddox: Exactly!

Dick: Just like EVERYBODY else.

Maddox: Just like most of America!

Dick: Just like everybody else.

Maddox: Therefore, it's a two-party system. America -

Dick: (interjects) But it ends with...go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah, America's enabling China to do this by paying these manufacturers to produce these products at any cost.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And you're culpable by buying these products!

Dick: No!

Maddox: You can't complain about it and then still BUY them.

Dick: I can complain -- when a monster truck breaks within 10 minutes of opening it, that's, this fuckin' guy tried to fix my problem. Listen to this. [plays third voicemail message]

Maddox: Oh, Dick. (annoyed)

Voicemail: Hey, this is Jordan from Bountiful, Utah. (Maddox cracks up) I can't remember if I already left this message.

Maddox: My hometown! Yeah.

Voicemail: Just in case, but this one's for Dick. Um, I noticed that uh, your problem 'Made In China'...well, there's a pretty easy solution to it: check the reviews.

Maddox: There you go! Yeah.

Voicemail: In this day and age, you have to check the reviews for anything you buy.

Dick: Anything?

Maddox: Pretty much! (chuckling)

Voicemail: Um, otherwise you might end up with a shitty product sooner or later.

Maddox: Takes a second!

Voicemail: So, sorry man, but that one's on you.

[message ends]

Maddox: Yeah, dude! And also, Dick, another thing: have you ever bought a product from a company that you trust that ended up failing?

Dick: What do you mean? Yeah, of course.

Maddox: Of course! Right? Like for example, we were buying hard drives a while back for the live show and I said, "Uh, let's stay away from Western Digital because they have a higher fail rate recently." Western Digital used to be a great company, but the fail *rate* is just that: it's a rate, it's no guarantee that you're going to get a failure every single time. So what...who's to say that the monster truck that you bought isn't just a fluke? You have a test sample of 1 rather than testing 3 or 4 different monster trucks made in China. You could've bought a good one! I'm sure that they're not ALL failing. There's gotta be a fail rate that -- and they have a tolerance for that. Even Apple products have like, a 15 percent fail rate, somethin' like that.

Dick: That's...absolutely not true. 15 percent??

Maddox: Or no no, I'm sorry. That's...I'm thinking of Beats.

Dick: Maybe under 1.

Maddox: Beats by Dre.

Dick: Oh, Beats by Dre have a 15 percent failure rate? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah, that's...that's what I read, uh, I think a while back.

Dick: Hey, by the way, I talked my brother-in-law out of buying some.

Maddox: Great!

Dick: Uh, when he was out here, he was lookin' for headphones.

Maddox: Then your brother-in-law is the proud...

Dick: What is he, the benefactor -

Maddox: ...the benefactor!!

Dick: - of your glorious advice. (dryly)

Maddox: YES!!

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: (yelling) Finally, getting some credit! That's what I DESERVE!!

Dick: Alright. (amused)

Maddox: Thank you!

Dick: You wanna do your first problem?

Maddox: (clapping sound effect) Yeah, but before -

Dick: (interjects) I'm tryin' to educate you about global economics. (everyone laughs)

Maddox: Oh Jesus, Dick. (playfully annoyed) (Dick cackles) Thank you, Dick Masterson. Mr. DNA Pajamas. Um...

Dick: What?!

Sean: (in the background) What?!?

Maddox: Uh, it's from the bonus episode.

Dick: Oh, hey!

Maddox: A reference from our bonus episode.

Dick: Here's a reference to the bonus episode: I kicked your ASS at a wine tasting competition.

Maddox: (shouting over Dick) FUCK you, did not! You did not -

Dick: (interjects) I TOTALLY did. (grinning)

(talking over each other)

Maddox: Okay, that's...BULLSHIT. (annoyed)

Dick: Don't get into...don't get too far into the specifics, because I don't wanna spoil it for people.

Maddox: No, of course not! (yells) You guys go to the bonus episode page, even if you're not subscribers, look at the contest, look at the results -- you'll see how Dick fucked up! Alright. Anyway, Dick. I have a comment here -

Dick: (interjects) Nailed it. (smug)

Maddox: Yeah. (sneering) You GOT nailed, buddy. Um, I got a comment here from Scott Miller.

Dick: (interjects) Shot a cork right up your ass. (slyly) (Sean laughs in background)

Maddox: DICK... (annoyed)

Dick: What? What's your comment? (smiling)

Maddox: (laughing) Let me get to the fuckin' comment! (Dick giggles) With your horseshit! I got a comment from Scott Miller. And this comment is gonna lead into my problem, but I'm's a long one, and I'm gonna read the whole thing.

Dick: M'kay.

Maddox: Scott Miller says, "For FUCK'S sake. [...] I want to get a scarecrow and put Dick's face on it so Maddox can make s̶h̶i̶t̶t̶y̶ crummy straw man arguments against it..." (Dick laughs) "...rather than his poor co-host."

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: "We get Dick vs. Dick, where Dick contradicts his own points in different episodes, but we lack a Maddox vs. Maddox, in which Maddox violates his Holy Principles..." And he has an asterisk here: "...*in the same g̶o̶d̶ ̶d̶a̶m̶n̶ gosh dang episode he proselytizes them.* He scorns 'lording knowledge over people' and then looks down on 'idiots' and 'dipshits' who don't know the same s̶h̶i̶t̶ stuff he does."

Dick: (laughing) Wow, this guy's got your number!

Maddox: Ohoho, yeah. (sarcastic) (Dick laughs more) It SOUNDS -- it sure SEEMS that way, doesn't it Dick?

Dick: Him and your mom should team up. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, I'm sure. She'd LOVE him. Why don't they get married? Idiot. (Dick keeps laughing quietly) Um, "He makes sweeping generalizations and then gets after Dick for saying 'all products made in China are bad' when that wasn't even what Dick was saying!!" And he put two exclamation marks.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: "He said *relative* to American products, Chinese products will be shittier more often than they will be better. That's all. And that's fucking true." H'okay. (chuckling) Thanks for setting the record straight, Scott. (disdainful)

Dick: Yeah, thank you.

Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical) "So you beat this defenseless straw man to death, and then move on to say that even if Chinese products are s̶h̶i̶t̶t̶y̶, poopy, it doesn't matter." And by the way, he's replacing a lot of the cuss words in here because we used Cuss Control last episode.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He said, "'We're trying to find The Biggest Problem In The Universe, Dick.' As I understand it, the show is an infinite series of episodes in which you order all of the problems in the universe relative to one another." That's right, that's what we do. "That means you'll get to them all, right?" Yeah!

Dick: Yeah, sure.

Maddox: "So yeah, let's have pedophiles and audiophiles, let's do Christmas sweaters and female genital mutilation, but don't f̶u̶c̶k̶i̶n̶g̶ fudging try to disqualify one problem for being too small (especially without citing any *evidence* of its significance, as though that's even possible)." So, he's winding down here. It's almost to the end here. He says, "I would have left a voicemail but I feared Maddox would b̶i̶t̶c̶h̶ whinge about the quality of my phone..." (Dick laughs hysterically) "...or the sound of my voice instead of addressing what I was saying because that's how he 'wins' the show..." (Dick laughs harder) "...he says has no winner."

Dick: Oh, that's great! Alright, now is it my turn? (amused)

Maddox: Nope! One more... (Dick cracks up) One more, uh, one more paragraph here. He says, "Dick, don't go f̶u̶c̶k̶ eff yourself. You buoy the show by not stooping to Maddox's morally reprehensible..."

Dick: Ohohohoooo! (giggling, surprised)

Maddox: "...(and worse, intellectually slothful) methods of argument. Maddox, in the words of The Dude: you're not wrong, you're just an a̶s̶s̶h̶o̶l̶e̶ ornery person." Which...(cracks up) ...which I have heard so much.

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: And I...*love* it. I revel in it. So Dick, this comment -

Dick: (interjects) Wow!! That's a doozy!

Maddox: It IS a doozy! And I wanted to bring the whole entire thing in because I wanna show people I'm not afraid of jack shit. (in a low voice; menacing) (Dick scoffs)

Dick: Well...

Maddox: I...this comment leads me to my problem this week, which is...lesser minds. (Dick and Sean laugh)

Dick: Oh, BOY.

Maddox: Uh-huh! (pleased with himself)

Dick: You're doubling down, then. (amused)

Maddox: Ohh, boy!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Boy, am I ever! Lesser minds is my problem. Okay?? The signs of a lesser mind...the first sign of a lesser mind is not providing examples.

Dick: Mm.

Maddox: When you say I scorn people -- specifically audiophiles -- for, quote, "lording knowledge over people" and then you say I do the same? You know what would really drive that point home? Examples! You provided nothing. You have no examples. Isn't that a really -

Dick: (interjects) The 'audiophiles' wasn't the example?

Maddox: No, he REFERRED to it. I'm not going to ASSUME; I'm not going to predict what he was trying to say. I'm *guessing* that he was talking about the audiophile episode because that -- I believe that that's the only episode that I've used the word "lording" in, and it was the audiophile episode.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: He left it up to me to guess and INFER what he was trying to say. Guess what, dipshit? That's sloppy debating; I'm not gonna do it.

Dick: Well, I'm sure you've DONE that, though.

Maddox: What?

Dick: Don't you think? Lord-...uh, you have a problem with people lording things over you? Wasn't that the entire argument with Christmas sweaters?

Maddox: No!

Dick: And, um...

Maddox: Not at all. But the closest it comes to is in the audiophile episode. See, here again we're speculating rather than him giving a crystal clear example, and then me being able to rebut it.

Dick: Well... (pensively)

Maddox: Instead, he chose the lazy route. He chose the "intellectually slothful" route. (spiteful)

Dick: Alright! (quietly)

Maddox: To use his own phrase. Here's the second sign of a lesser mind, Dick: not being able to distinguish an inquiry from a challenge! When Dick made the generalization that products from China are usually more inferior, if you paid close attention, I didn't disagree with him! (raising his voice) I didn't agree, either! All I did was ask *questions.* It's the mark of a lesser mind to view an inquiry as a challenge! I generally like to gather facts before I make a conclusion. It's called "making an informed decision"! (slowly for emphasis) Alright, dipshit? I didn't think that the concept of asking for evidence would be such a firebrand. And it was! It shouldn't be such a revolutionary idea to you!

Dick: What's that? Is this a slam on me or him? I think went onto me.

Maddox: Little bit of both. (laughs)

Dick: Uh, yeah. That's what it seems like.

Maddox: Yeah, I didn't think it would be such a revolutionary concept, Dick, to ask for evidence of a claim.

Dick: Yeah... (pensively)

Maddox: And by the way, Dick, I happen to agree with you! I think the majority of products from China are probably crappy. (Dick bursts out laughing) But I'm not going to...

Dick: Yeah, like iPhones? (grinning)

Maddox: But that's my...but that's my *opinion*...

Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)

Maddox: ...and I'm not going to make that claim as a fact.

Dick: Mmhm.

Maddox: Because that's just my opinion based on MY empirical knowledge. Uh, but I have also seen quite a fair...I have a fair amount of Chinese products that are high quality.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: My comic books were produced in China! And I know the factory and I know the PERSON who produced them. And they're gr--

Dick: (interjects) You know the guy at the factory who produced them?

Maddox: I know the guy at the factory! I know the CEO -

Dick: (interjects) How is THAT? Oh, the CEO. I thought you meant the guy on the assembly line (Sean laughs in the background) like, stapling pages together. (Maddox laughs) Sending you secret notes in your comic book or something like that. (cracking up)

Maddox: Yeah. No, they're really high quality! In fact, um, I don't know...a lot of my listeners may have the comic, maybe not, I don't know. But the comic book that I produced in China is full color front and back, glossy pages; inside, glossy pages, black and white; very high-quality print; came with a backboard and wrapping...and it was all produced for a really good price, and highest quality I could possible imagine. I was...overwhelmingly pleased with the product that I got from China. And it all came because I put the care and effort into contacting the right person and making sure that he was going to deliver a quality product.

Dick: Man, this is a real 'you are great' problem, isn't it. (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing) It's just, every single fuckin' one is...there's many levels to the greatness, alotta twists and turns...

Maddox: Yeah. (smiling)

Dick: ...all roads lead to Rome, though.

Maddox: Ohh... (laughs self-consciously)

Dick: The empire of you. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah. Dick, you uh, you really just, uh...I think you really summarized the spirit of this problem. (Dick cackles)

Dick: Yeah, I think I...I think I got it pretty quickly!

Maddox: Well, Dick, I have one last sign of a lesser mind. This is the third and final sign that I have of a lesser mind.

Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)

Maddox: It's not being able to discern an argument from blind criticism. So, a common criticism I get is that sometimes I don't address what the person is saying and instead focus on something like, quote, "the quality of the phone call," or the sound of your voice.

Dick: Yeah, well, those are funny.

Maddox: Yeah, of course it's funny! But it's a common criticism I receive, and it's usually only when I ignore people calling me an idiot (Dick laughs) or criticizing me for being "stupid" while doing something stupid themselves! (yelling)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right, fucknuts?? For example, in Episode 28 -- that's what he was referring to! In Episode 28 we aired a voicemail from a caller who called me a "fucking retard" (Dick and Sean laugh) for not using certain features on Facebook. The reason I made fun of his call, DUMBASS, rather than addressing what he said is because he had no MERIT, and I thought it was obvious to our listeners! Clearly I gave you too much credit. If somebody's just calling me and calling just to...just to say "you suck" or "you're an idiot" or...

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: ...whatever? Those are hollow statements! That's your opinion; there's no MEAT to that criticism. A long time ago, someone posted on the I Am Better Than Your Kids website...this guy -- I think his name was Tim or Tom or whatever -- he said that I wasn't funny. (Dick laughs) And he said that "I know Maddox isn't going to respond to this."

Dick: Why?

Maddox: And... (stammers) Well, because he thinks that I'm afraid of that criticism.

Dick: Ohh, no, that's...that's weird. I've seen that before. That always...

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: ...that's always just... (searches for words)

Maddox: So, you know -

Dick: (interjects) That's definitely the sign of a lesser mind, I guess.

Maddox: Yeah! You know, Dick, in the 18 years I've been writing -- I think it's...almost 18 years now that I've been writing -- I had never responded to one of those messages, and I decided to respond to him and explain WHY I never respond to those messages. It's because your opinion is invalid! It doesn't matter, it's not qualified. 'Kay? In order for your opinion to matter on whether or not you think somebody is funny? You have to establish yourself as somebody whose opinion is trusted, and we have to know what kind of humor you actually like!

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: For example, that's why people respected Roger Ebert's opinion when he was alive; it's because his opinion was backed by a body of work. And you'd know if Roger Ebert criticized a movie like Army of Darkness for being a shit movie, you'd know to take that with a grain of salt because that's not the type of movie that Roger Ebert likes!

Dick: Right.

Maddox: This guy who criticized me as being not funny, or this guy who calls me a "fucking retard" -- I don't know anything about this guy. So for his opinion to matter, I have to know who he is and what he believes and what he likes.

Dick: Who ELSE does he think is a "fucking retard," for example? (grinning) (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Exactly!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah! Um, that's why I don't respond to criticisms like that, because they're hollow. Give me some MEAT! Some red meat! Which, by the way, Scott...if that IS your name...uh, (cracks up) your comment actually did have some meat. At least you *tried* to give me some actual criticism. You failed in a lot of it, but you actually tried to give me some criticism. That's why I don't respond to bullshit-ass comments from people who call me a "fucking retard." What am I supposed to say to that?! "Uh, that's your opinion, dude! Great! Next caller." What else am I supposed to do??

Dick: I dunno, let's...let's try it right now and see what happens. (slyly) [plays fourth voicemail message]

Voicemail: (slow, sleepy-sounding voice) Hey Dick Masterson. (Maddox and Dick crack up)You must have a lot of dicks in your mouth because... (both laugh harder) sound like the biggest pussy in the universe. (everyone laughs) Um... (long pause, everyone still laughing)

Dick: Um, it's still playing.

Voicemail: I dunno, I just, I think you're a pussy because didn't wanna, you know, defend, you know, freedom of speech and... (Maddox laughs uncontrollably)

Dick: Yeah, that's what...that's what I'm against!!

Voicemail: ...and like, you wanna look like a bunch of pussies, um...

Dick: The guy who's been BANNED from the Internet.

Voicemail: Maybe you should go back to France or wherever your...pussy ass is from. (Dick and Maddox laugh more)

Dick: "Go back to France," did you hear that?

Maddox: Yeah. (amused)

Voicemail: Um, Maddox, you're the best. Peace.

[message ends]

Dick: So, are we not supposed to make fun of that guy's voice? Are we supposed to respond to his criticisms of me being the biggest pussy in the universe? (about to laugh)

Maddox: Yeah, that's a good point! That's exactly what I was getting at, Dick.

Dick: 'Cause his voice was kinda funny.

Maddox: His voice was hilarious! (Dick laughs) He sounds like he's asleep or on, uh,, what is he, uh...what's the tranquilizer...?

Dick: Methadone?

Maddox: Methadone? Is that...?

Dick: It's one of them.

Maddox: Oxy--

Dick: (interjects) What do you want, how high do you wanna get?

Maddox: Oxycontin?

Dick: Tell me that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What kinda high are you lookin' for? Oxycontin?

Maddox: Like that kinda high.

Dick: Yeah, Vicodin?

Maddox: He sounds like a Benadryl high, maybe?

Dick: Benadryl? Okay.

Maddox: Vicodin? Yeah! Yeah. I could make fun of that guy's voice for the rest of this episode!

Dick: Yeah, I think you, you focus a lot on, uh...on, you know, stats and shit like that though. You do like your stats.

Maddox: Yeah! (chuckling) It's, it''s the only, LITERALLY the only evidence that we have to back up our points. (Dick laughs) And the guy -- some guy was backing up your argument last time too. He was like -

Dick: (interjects) What argument?

Maddox: EXACTLY! (laughs) Exactly! He was sayin'... (giggling) He was sayin', "Well, Maddox, rely too much on stats where people can doctor information and..." (stupid voice)

Dick: Yeah, it's true!

Maddox: "...uh, come to any conclusion they want!" Yeah Dick, but guess what? If you discredit ALL studies, then we have nothing!! Progress stops! (yelling) We're just gonna go back to fucking living in caves!! (Dick laughs) Like MONKEYS! (roaring) (Sean laughs in the background) VOTE UP MONKEYS! ( monkeys whooping sound effect)

Dick: You are so passionate about...studies. (grinning) (Maddox and Sean laugh) And horseshit.

Maddox: Yeah Dick, I just -- you know, I just wanna end on this quote. Look, you know -

Dick: (interjects) You tried, Scott, but you f-...uh, sorry.

Maddox: What?

Dick: I was gonna say, he didn't put enough things -- you didn't get the evidence in there that you needed to.

Maddox: What, Scott? Yeah.

Dick: He almost made it. Yeah.

Maddox: Well, he made an effort. He made -- he gave it a good college try.

Dick: What could he have had in there?

Maddox: I'll tell you!

Dick: Those three things? Okay.

Maddox: See, this is why I feel like I'm the...I can debate myself. And it comes down to -

Dick: (interjects) Everyone wishes you just WOULD debate yourself. (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing)

Maddox: Is that that more verbose way of tellin' me to fuck off? (Dick laughs loudly) Go fuck myself? Listen to this, Dick: um, know on Facebook they have the section for quotes and whatever?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I don't...I fucking hate quotes most of the time. I keep a handful of 'em around 'cause some of 'em are good. This is one quote I happen to really really like, and I like to think about it *all* the time. It's from Aristotle: it says, "It is the mark of an educated mind to be able to entertain a thought without accepting it."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I wish more of our listeners would FUCKING do that every now and then.

Dick: Oh, I think our listeners are pretty sharp. (Maddox scoffs and laughs) They're funny.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're really funny.

Maddox: Oh, they're funny. (sardonic)

Dick: You gotta be smart to be funny. I think that's true.

Maddox: Yeah, I'm not sure that...some of 'em -

Dick: (interjects) You gotta be able to hold it all in your head to make a joke. To see the whole...the whole tapestry of life and to point out something that's unique and interesting.

Maddox: Yeah, I'll give you that. We got some...we got some smart and funny listeners.

Dick: Ohh, yeah.

Maddox: Some real dumb shits too, though.

Dick: Well... (unsure)

Maddox: Real...real morons. Real apes. (Sean smirks) Real numbnuts. (Dick and Sean laugh) Real dullards.

Dick: You done?

Maddox: A couple knuckle draggers. (Sean laughs)

Dick: So you're asking people to vote against *themselves* in this problem?

Maddox: Mouth-breathing...

Dick: Is that what you're... (breaks down laughing)

Maddox: ...dumb shit, Neanderthal Luddites. (Sean laughs) Fucking toolbags. (Sean laughs again) They're tool FACTORIES, that's what they are.

Dick: Oh, god. (chuckling)

Maddox: The entire factory of TOOLS. (Sean guffaws) That's what our listeners are. (Dick cracks up) A big fucking Costco of tools.

Dick: Oho, man.

Maddox: Just tools falling off the shelves. (cracks up) All tripping over your tools -- they're tripping over themselves!

Dick: Wow! So Scott really got under your skin, I guess. (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) This guy -- you printed it out, you've been thinkin' about it for a week... (smiling)

Maddox: Oh, no, no. (dismissively)

Dick: ...and you dedicated 15 minutes to talking about it.

Maddox: Dick, my problem is lesser minds, and Scott's not the least...of the lesser minds. He's just one of them.

Dick: Sounds pretty...he sounds pretty smart!

Maddox: Eh, he tried. He gave it a college -- oh, so you asked me what would be a better criticism of me?

Dick: What could he have done?

Maddox: Well, I would have to go back and listen to my own episode and see what, uh, what holes I could poke in my own argument. Which, by the way, it's easy to do!! Very few people, people rarely poke holes in my argument in a cogent way. They're always just trying to attack me personally by calling me...uh, you know, a dickhead or an assface or a dipshit.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Like these are things that the people say, but um, I don't...GIVE a shit. Like, that's not...that's not criticism of me.

Dick: No -- oh I'm, I'm with you there. When I get, like, a hatemail?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or something on Twitter? I just went through like 6 pages of girls calling me know, every name in the book on Twitter.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm always like, "Aw, come on. You can do better than that."

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, you gotta really dig -- make me FEEL somethin'. You know? Give me what I want.

Maddox: Make me -

Dick: I wanna feel...*anything.*

Maddox: Make me feel bad.

Dick: Yeah!! You gotta dig WAY deeper than that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I've been getting death threats know, since 1995 or 1996! Like, step up your game.

Maddox: My mom wishes AIDS upon me!! (Dick and Sean laugh) What do YOU got? (yelling)

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: Huh?? You think you're gonna beat my fucking mom?! Get the fuck outta here! She's the...she's the PRO at makin' me feel like shit. She's the expert, she's been doin' it her whole life! She's been doing it since I was *born.* (laughs)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: You got NOTHIN' on me, buddy! And I can do it WAY better than you. I am my own worst enemy. (low, ominous voice)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You should get in my head, battle MY demons!

Dick: thank you. (chuckling)

Maddox: Alright. That's my problem, Dick. Lesser minds.

Dick: Alright! My problem is WAY worse. (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)

Dick: Hangovers!

Maddox: Oh, okay! (mocking)

Dick: Happy New Year, buddy.

Maddox: Yeah, Happy New Year to you, Dick. (sarcastic)

Dick: Hangovers. I'm...I'm still hung over.

Maddox: I can tell!

Dick: From New Year's.

Maddox: Yeah! (brief silence) (laughs)

Dick: This is a...this is a long one.

Maddox: What, uh...?

Dick: This is a long hangover.

Maddox: Dick, it's been 3 days!

Dick: Yeah. I still feel really hung over. I think I broke my brain!

Maddox: Uh... (cracks up) Oh. (amused)

Dick: Like I think about it in, like, Star Trek terms?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or whatever? I think I lowered all the shields (Maddox laughs) and now it's just raw brain being exposed.

Maddox: Ew...yeah.

Dick: So I feel like it's just chipping away at...the brain. The gray matter.

Maddox: Yeah, you might wanna get Lieutenant Geordi on that.

Dick: Yeah. I don't know if there's any, uh...any stats that that's how the brain works or whatever, but that's how it feels like to me. So I *did* find a study you might find interesting. (Maddox snickers)

Maddox: A study on...uh, YOUR hangover?

Dick: On hangovers!

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: No, I have, I have...I also put together stats on MY hangovers.

Maddox: Great!

Dick: Yeah. The average British person spends a year of their life hung over. (slowly; incredulous) According to this study.

Maddox: (chuckling) A year?

Dick: 315 days spent battling nausea and sickness and whatever, and headaches.

Maddox: That's more than an average -- that's like...that's what, how many, uh -

Dick: (interjects) It's an entire *year.*

Maddox: Yeah, that's an entire year, but how many days per year is that?

Dick: (chuckling) Uh, 365! What do you mean, how many days per -- no, cumulatively!

Maddox: Cumulative over their lives.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maddox: So divide that by 70.

Dick: So if you...I think it was, I think it was, um...oh, just do the math. It was like, the outliers were like...some people would have 3,000 hangovers in their lifetime.

Maddox: Yeah, that's 5 days per year of their life if they live to 70 years old. 5 days a year of their life.

Dick: Well, but it was only...the survey was between 20 and 65.

Maddox: Oh wow, that's even -

Dick: (interjects) So you got about 45 years...what's 315 into 45? That's how many days.

Maddox: It's...

Dick: And this is the AVERAGE person.

Maddox: ...7 days out of the year they spend completely hung over. That's an entire work week!

Dick: And that's...yeah! That's the -

Maddox: Plus weekends.

Dick: - *average* person! The outliers were 3,000 hangovers! And I thought, "That's 5 years!"

Maddox: Holy shit, that's cool. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, so the cooler you are...if you're a cool guy, that's 5 years of your life spent with a hangover.

Maddox: Those are some fun dudes, man! This is in the UK?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: That's where I'M goin'. They know how to fuckin' drink over there, buddy. You've been to've been to London, right?

Dick: Yes, I have.

Maddox: It''s great! One of the best drinking towns. There, and uh, Budapest is incredible, Prague is cool...but yeah man, they drink over there, and they go on pub crawls, and they don't give a shit 'cause they got subways and everyone's just jolly all the time. It's great.

Dick: Well, I have no reason to believe it's different over *here.* If we're just speaking, like, numbers-wise? A year of your life, that sounds about...normal. For anywhere in the civilized world.

Maddox: A year of your life?

Dick: (stammers) Yeah, total. Over your entire lifetime, a year is spent hung over. Like 315 days spent hung over, whatever the number you said -- what was that, 7 a year?

Maddox: 7 a year, yeah.

Dick: That seems even LOW to me, but you know, look who you're asking.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It' seems like everyone spends a year of their life hung over as shit!

Maddox: Yeah, I know, Dick.

Dick: It's a big problem!

Maddox: I can count on one hand the number of times I've been hung over. Well...nope, two. I've been hung over, I think, about 7 times in my life. I RARELY ever -

Dick: (interjects) Are you serious?!

Maddox: Yeah, I rarely ever get hangovers! I'm just awesome as shit.

Dick: So let's take the average just between us, then. You've had 7 hangovers?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright, I did the math on mine. Just 'cause I was interested to see how it lined up with Britain.

Maddox: Hey, uh...yeah. What, the way, Dick, I learned a new phrase recently. (cracking up) Like if you...if you have a hangover but you also hooked up with someone, the next day it's called a "bangover." Have you heard that one before?

Dick: Ah, that's cute.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: No, I haven't heard that before.

Maddox: I just learned that phrase recently.

Dick: It's pretty good.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) Alright, what are your stats? What numbers do you got?

Dick: Here's what people are missing -- oh, mine. Uh, I would say, I would say I spend -- I get a hangover every 3 days.

Maddox: That's about right, actually. (chuckling) (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: So that's 125 days a year.....right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But then I calculated it out to just 5 hours worth of hangover.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Out of that day. From like, like, 2.

Maddox: Mmm...

Dick: Does that sound right?

Maddox: 10 to 2...

Dick: 10 to 2 -- maybe 6.

Maddox: Yeah. 10 to 6, okay. And that's if you amortize the time over the course of, what, all the hours in a week?

Dick: Yeah, 'cause this study just did the whole day.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And like, I can function after like 2 or 3.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Right? So that's, let's -- if we go with 6, that's -

Maddox: (interjects) Debatable, but uh, yes.

Dick: Well, I mean, you know. Let's Scott said, let's not get too bogged down in the specifics of the stats, alright? (Maddox giggles) So what's 6 times 125? What is that, 750? You got a good calculator on you?

Maddox: I sure do.

Dick: So what's 750 times 45 years of that?

Maddox: 33,750.

Dick: Wow, that's a lot of... (cracking up) That's a lot of days. (Sean chuckles in the background) That's a lot of time -- oh, divide it by 24 for days.

Maddox: Oh, okay. That's...1,406 days.

Dick: 1,406 days...

Maddox: And a quarter of a day. So plus 8 hours.

Dick: That's like, 3...that's like, 3 years.

Maddox: Yeah! 3 years -- wait, here, I can tell you exactly how many years. (pauses to calculate) It's 3 years...3.85 years.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: Almost 4 years you spend of your life hung over.

Dick: So on average, let's average...let's do our two averages.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)

Dick: That's, uh...that's 1.8 years that you and I spend hung over. That's -- we got a problem. (everyone laughs)

Maddox: Don't "we"! (Dick cackles loudly) Don't lump me into this, dude! (laughing) With my 7 days in a life!

Dick: What, what? [to Sean]

Sean: Somebody is not pullin' their weight. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Yeah, you better, you better...look, according to these stats, I'm an *expert.*

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)

Dick: On being hung over.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: 'Cause I have over 10,000 hours of doing it.

Maddox: Uh...

Dick: I'm like a concert pianist of being hung over. (smiling)

Maddox: Dick, I don't think they call alcoholism "expertise."

Dick: Well... (amused)

Maddox: Like, this is... (cracks up) You're not, uh -

Dick: (interjects) It's a marketing problem.

Maddox: Yeah, no, it's definitely like a...a psychological problem, I think.

Dick: Here's what's what this study said. Uh, here's what people are missing because they're hung over. Okay? That's why it's a big problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, 1 in every 13 people surveyed said they missed a first date because they were too hung over.

Maddox: Oh, that's hilarious.

Dick: Yeah! 1 in 10 said they missed a job interview. (chuckling) That's pretty bad.

Maddox: Wooow!

Dick: 8 percent of people surveyed admitted they had missed a WEDDING thanks to a hangover.

Maddox: Yes!! (smiling)

Dick: And 6 percent said they missed a FUNERAL! (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: You know, that's the one understandable one on that list. If you're depressed and you're just drinking, like, I get it. You're too hung over to go to the fuckin' wake.

Dick: Yeah! Yeah, well, that's true.

Maddox: Which, what are you gonna do when you're there anyway, man? Just drink more. Eh.

Dick: Just console loved ones, you know. No big deal. (Maddox bursts out laughing)

Maddox: You know, um, my funeral's gonna be fun. I'll talk about that in another episode.

Dick: What is your funeral gonna be?

Maddox: Oh, I'm gonna have a nacho dish in my stomach. I'm gonna have my stomach emptied out, and a big -

Dick: (interjects) In your excavated stomach? Like a mummy?

Maddox: Uh, yes.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I'm gonna have, uh...I'm gonna have, um, bikini dancers? Like, you know, like the Hawaiian dancers? Uh...

Dick: Sure, like a luau.

Maddox: A luau! Yeah, it's gonna be like a luau.

Dick: Luau funeral!

Maddox: Yeah, it's gonna be fun, and I'm gonna have a...probably a mariachi band or some tiki music going at all times. Plus I'm gonna have myself with a little voice box inside with red flashing eyes, and any time someone walks by, kinda like those uh, motion detection lights that come on automatically?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: It'll play a tape that says, "Thank you for coming to my wake!" (imitating an automated voice)

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: So like, a goreish nightmare. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No!!

Dick: Like, somethin' like that.

Maddox: No, it's gonna be fun!! Just imagine -- like, 'cause while people are standing around mourning after me, I want them to be able to eat chips and salsa.

Dick: Wait a minute, who are these people? (wryly) (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Okay. (annoyed) (Dick laughs) Alright, Dick. You know what, Dick? I imagine I'm gonna have a few people at my funeral, if they can find enough pieces of my body parts to reconstruct me.

Dick: (chuckling) They'll all be lesser minds, I guess. (Maddox laughs) I don't know if they'll get the...the subtle nuances of your funeral theme. (sardonic) (Maddox laughs more) Like the mariachi and the stomach chips.

Maddox: Yeah! What's a... (suddenly yells) You're shitting on my fuckin' funeral! (Dick cackles) I, am is this fucking fair, man? I...look, it's my funeral and that's what I want. That's what I want. I want people to eat chips! I want them to be HAPPY when I', when they're standing around crying after me.

Dick: Is that really -- is this your funeral fantasy?

Maddox: I would LOVE...

Dick: This is what you want?

Maddox: Yes. I want there to be chips and salsa -

Dick: (interjects) I would have pegged you as...sorry, go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah. Chips and salsa in my stomach with guac, and know, give people somethin' to do while they're mourning.

Dick: I would've figured you for one of these assholes that wants to get, like, shot into space or something. So aliens could find you or resurrect you...

Maddox: Well...

Dick: ...or some stupid god complex thing.

Maddox: (smiling) I do have...I do have alternates. And that is one of 'em, yes.

Dick: Okay. (grinning) What else?

Maddox: Yeah, cryogenically frozen is another one.

Dick: So you can be brought back to life?

Maddox: Yes. I imagine the second I die I'll immediately get resurrected in like, the year 38...3800, 3850, somethin' like that.

Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)

Maddox: And then the other one is to be launched out of a cannon into a brick wall. (background laughter) Which, uh, if I live to the ripe age of 60, I imagine that's about when I'll uh, I'll...concede.

Dick: Of a heart attack. (smiling)

Maddox: No!! Not from a heart attack, being launched in a cannon into a brick wall!

Dick: You mean you'll do it while you're *alive*?

Maddox: Yeah, man!

Dick: Just to check out? Like uh, Soylent Green style?

Maddox: Yep! Uh -

Dick: Like, "I'm...I'm done"?

Maddox: "Peace out, everyone!" That'll be my last update. "Peace out!" (imitates cannon blast) (Dick and Sean laugh) Right into a fuckin'...wall.

Dick: I can't wait. (smiling)

Maddox: Or into the sun! Like I said a long time ago, old people should be launched into the sun. I'm not a hypocrite; when I get to that age, you know, if my functions decline to the point where I can't -- I'm senile, I can't control myself, I'm shittin', pissin' myself all the time...

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: ...fuck it, I'm goin' to the sun.

Dick: You're launching yourself into the sun. (skeptical)

Maddox: Yeah, doin' everyone a favor.

Dick: It'd be expensive!

Maddox: (chuckling) I don't give a shit, I'm not footin' the bill.

Dick: Could we just tell you we're launching you into the sun and then just throw you in the garbage? (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: At least make it an incinerator so it FEELS like the sun!

Dick: Ah, you know. (smiling)

Maddox: You know? And by the way, I want there to be transparent glass on the, uh, on the coffin or whatever capsule I'm in? So you can see me banging - "Ahhh! I changed my mind, ahhhh!" (Dick laughs) Wouldn't that be hilarious?? (giggling) Oh, man. (Dick laughs harder) My skin's melting off, "Ahhhhhh!"

Dick: Hilarious! (giggling on each syllable)

Maddox: Okay. Anyway Dick, what's your uh, what's your problem?

Dick: Hangovers. (grinning) (everyone laughs) It's hangovers.

Maddox: Alright Dick, is that, that all you got?

Dick: (talking over Maddox) People are missing out on romance and jobs and shit!

Maddox: I guess it's a big problem, Dick. I'm not going to shit on this problem, I agree.

Dick: There's...there's no cure for it, Maddox!

Maddox: Oh, really? 'Cause I might have one. It's my next problem, Dick.

Dick: You have a cure for a hangover? (incredulous)

Maddox: Maybe!

Dick: Nonononono. Everyone always says they do, but I'm an expert.

Maddox: M'kay!

Dick: There's no cure.

Maddox: There's no cure? Actually, you know why I don't get a lot of hangovers, Dick? I think it -

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you're a liar. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: No, this is my theory: um, either I get them and I don't feel them, but uh...I believe it has to do with the amount of nutrients in your body. So, you remember they made this chaser pill a while back? It was this pill you're supposed to take before you start drinking, the night before.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And you supposedly don't get a hangover.

Dick: Mhm.

Maddox: So I took a couple of those pills one time and I thought, actually worked, I didn't get a hangover the next day, 'cause I drank very heavily. And I looked inside the ingredients and it was all a bunch of, like, vitamin B12 and ginseng and a bunch of other bullshit. But it's mostly B12. And that's all it is! If you have a lot of B12 in your body, you'll be less susceptible to hangovers the next day.

Dick: My friend gets a shot of B12 in his ass when he gets really hung over.

Maddox: Yeah! See? That's all it is!

Dick: He says it works, but I...I don't know. I don't buy it.

Maddox: I think so! I think so.

Dick: I don't buy hangover cures.

Maddox: I think so, 'cause I rarely ever get hangovers and I'm very nutritionally...I have a nutritional surplus.

Dick: My dad says that, though!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like, he always says that he never gets hangovers. He says he's only been hung over twice, and both of them were with me.

Maddox: Yep. (laughs) Yep! I've only blacked out 4 times -- 4 or 5 times while drinking in my life; 4 of them have been with you, Dick. And I think 2 or 3 out of the 7 hangovers I've had were also with you.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But yeah, your dad's a smart guy. I believe him.

Dick: That's the event horizon of my alcoholism. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs loudly) You passed too close to the black hole. (grinning)

Sean: Mmhm! (from the background)

Maddox: You get sucked in! (Dick laughs) Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright Dick, good problem. I -

Dick: (interjects) Pretty good problem, man!

Maddox: I agree, actually.

Dick: More -- it's worse than Slacktivists!

Maddox: Uh...

Dick: What's more annoying, a...

Maddox: No. (chuckling)

Dick: ...a year of your life spent with a hangover, or just not...or Facebook?

Maddox: Or a lifetime of shitheads on Facebook telling you to click 'like' on whatever stupid bullshit cause that they want you to support each week! (irritated)

Dick: I guess so.

Maddox: I think Slacktivists! But you know what, Dick? Um, hangovers *are* a...a problem. I agree.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah. But uh, there might be a solution to this, Dick. And maybe not, I dunno! My problem this week, my second problem, is...detox diets.

Dick: Oh!

Sean: Hmm. (from the background)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So THIS is a solution that's touted as...for hangovers and many other things! But according to NBC News, experts say that there's little evidence that extreme regimens such as the Master Cleanse or Fruit Flush do anything more than lead to unpleasant, unhealthy side effects like...oh, I don't know, DIARRHEA. *Constant* diarrhea. Do you guys know what detox cleanses are, by the way? Before I get ahead of myself. You guys know what this is?

Dick: I just -- it's like a weird diet where you just eat juices and...or olive oil, or something. That's all I know about it.

Maddox: Yeah -

Dick: It's a very restrictive diet.

Maddox: Yeah, basically. They're starvation diets. This is from NBC News: they say, "These super-restrictive eating plans are hotter than ever, thanks to being linked to lanky celebrities including Gwyneth Paltrow and Angelina Jolie. Beyonce Knowles attributed her 20-pound weight loss for the movie Dreamgirls to the Master Cleanse -- a starvation diet whose adherents swallow nothing but a concoction of lemon juice mixed with maple syrup, water and cayenne pepper..."

Dick: Ew.

Maddox: " well as salt water and a laxative tea for 10 days." [ ]

Dick: That same friend who does the B12 does this shit!

Maddox: Ohh, no. Really? (exasperated)

Dick: Yeah! Yeah, that's what you were starting to sound like that with your charcoal thing and your nutrients thing! I didn't wanna say it.

Maddox: What charcoal...? Oh,, it's just -

Dick: (interjects) Charcoal pills. Or your hangover pills, whatever -

Maddox: (interjects) Chaser.

Dick: Chaser, yeah.

Maddox: "Chaser" is what it's called. Yeah, it's just B12. I mean, it's just vitamins, man. But yeah, this fuckin' horseshit...I know so many people...I don't know if this is just a side effect of knowing people who live in California, but there's SO many people who do this ALL the time, and they damage themselves. Or at best it has no effect, other than they lose some temporary weight, and at worst they damage their kidneys. (cracks up) Here's some of the problems with these cleanses, these detox...cleanses, right? [continues quoting NBC News article] "Vitamin deficiencies, muscle breakdown, and blood sugar problems -- not to mention frequent liquid bowel movements. [...] [Because the crash diets] can upset blood sugar, potassium and sodium levels in the body, people with diabetes, heart or kidney disease or women who are pregnant" are especially vulnerable. Which, uh, I'm okay with the last one.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: Um... (laughs)

Dick: Surprise, surprise. I'm surprised you're not okay with ALL of this!

Maddox: Yeah, well...

Dick: It's idiots putting shit in their body to make themselves sick. Fuck 'em. (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: Yeah, but I wish they weren't idiots. I wish they would just do a little bit of research...uh, you know, have a steak, shut the fuck up. That's what these people need to do. That's the solution to the detox diets.

Dick: Next thing, you're gonna be sayin' that smoking is a problem.

Maddox: Uh, it's comin'! It's comin', buddy. [continues quoting NBC News article] "'Long term fasts lead to muscle breakdown and a shortage of many needed nutrients,' says Lona Sandon, a Dallas dietitian and spokesperson for the American Dietetic Association. Depriving the body of the vitamins and minerals we get from food can 'actually weaken the body's ability to fight infections and inflammation,' she says." So these dipshits, these morons (Dick smirks) who are doin' these diet detoxes, right? These detox cleanses?

Dick: Right.

Maddox: These are the same people who a lot of the time adhere to other celebrity horseshit, like...uh, I dunno, anti-vaxxers?

Dick: Alright. (under his breath)

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So they're weakening their immune system, NOT getting vaccinations, getting more diseases, and then spreading them around in a perpetual cycle of idiocy...and lesser minds.

Dick: Hm. (Sean laughs in the background) You're building a real, uh... (Maddox laughs) You're weaving a real rich tapestry of celebrity worship here.

Maddox: Yep! Yep, it's all related, man! This is a quote from Dr. Nasir Moloo: he says, "And by attempting to flush out the 'bad stuff' from our intestines [...] you're also 'flushing out the good bacteria that keep the intestines healthy.'"

Dick: Yeah, you know what I found out about gut bacteria too??

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: Uh, well, a couple things. It um, it changes your MOOD.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Your gut bacteria. So if like, if your gut bacteria's offset...they did this thing with mice where they took gut bacteria from asshole mice and put them in regular mice? (Maddox and Sean laugh) And the regular mice turned into assholes.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: This is a real study!

Maddox: Oh yeah, I read -- I saw that! And also NPR talked about this too; if you eat just one type of food all the time, it changes your mood. It changes the way you THINK, your...your actual physiology, your mind physiology changes based on what you eat.

Dick: You know what you should do? This is -- I'm gonna bring this in as a solution for the bonus episode. You should sell your gut bacteria (Maddox gasps) to fix all these lesser minds that you keep complaining about. (background laughter)

Maddox: Ohh, MAN!

Dick: Like Maddox-style microbes...

Maddox: I don't -

Dick: ...a billion little Maddoxes swimming around in your stomach. (smiling)

Maddox: See, I don't know, Dick. I don't know if people could withstand my gut bacteria! My gut bacteria are fighters. They're all fighters, man.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's like unleashing World War III on your gut.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: 'Cause you remember our hot sauce challenge where we both drank that shit? I had no problem -- I just went right to sleep when I got home. You called me up, you're like, "Maddox, I'm never doin' this again!" (laughs)

Dick: I'm never doing that again, it was awful! I felt like I had a football of vinegar in my stomach.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, man. I just uh, went home, rubbed one out and played some video games and I went to sleep.

Dick: Hm. In that order?

Maddox: Um, no, I played video games then rubbed one out.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: Um... (laughs)

Dick: That makes more sense.

Maddox: Went to sleep, rubbed one out, played video games, went to sleep again, rubbed one out.

Dick: I also read that you -- if you live with someone, your gut bacteria starts getting...uh, like intertwined, like mixed up. I don't know if that's true, but that's what I read.

Maddox: Well, it depends on how much you French kiss, I think.

Dick: Is that true?

Maddox: I don't know, that's just conjecture.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: I imagine! 'Cause else could you get someone else's gut bacteria into your stomach, unless you're makin' out with their tonsils?

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: That's a gross thought.

Dick: I don't know how they work.

Maddox: OR if you're into like, spitting? That's pretty gross.

Dick: Well, yeah, maybe. Or you eat the same things? You start eating the same things and you're in the same environment...

Maddox: Oh, yeah!

Dick: ...and it changes your...stomachs?

Maddox: That actually... (cracks up) That actually is uh, is probably pretty -

Dick: (interjects) Probably much smarter. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Than what you said.

Maddox: Uh... (Dick laughs) What, French kissing?? Come on! (laughs more) Doctors did a study on French kissing! So Dick, a lot of times these people who do these detox diets are doing it to lose weight, but they said that "While people can lose 5 to 10 percent of their weight in the first few months of a diet, up to two-thirds of the people regain even MORE weight than they lost within four or five years, the researchers found." [from NBC News article]

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Then finally from NPR...or actually there's uh, there's one more source after this. But NPR says, "'The body has its own amazing detoxification systems: the liver and the kidneys,' says Ranit Mishori, a faculty member in family medicine at the Georgetown University School of Medicine who has reviewed the medical literature on colon cleanses. 'Unless there's a blockage in one of these organs..." (both laugh) "...that do it day and night, there's absolutely no need to help the body get rid of toxins.'" [ ] Which, by the way, what are all these fucking toxins we've accumulated in our bodies??

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: It seems like some mystic mumbo jumbo! When they say "toxins," I imagine something like from the movie Spirited Away -- or uh, Princess Mononoke, where it's like this dark sludge.

Dick: Those worms?

Maddox: Yeah! Those like, wormy, dark sludge things that climb through forests. I think that people who are trying to rid themselves of toxins...visualize those toxins as these black sludges that are climbing through their body! Like, what -

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: - what else are toxins?! What are those?

Dick: I have no idea!

Maddox: No one does!!

Dick: I know that there are free radicals, but I don't know what they are. I know that when you get a massage they always say you gotta drink water, and...sweat to get the toxins out of your body.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: But I have no -- like, I know there's a thing called lactic acid that makes your muscles sore...

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: I assume maybe there's other things like THAT.

Maddox: But that's not something that's...that's foreign to your body. That's something your body produces, and those aren't necessarily... (stammers) Any toxin -

Dick: Still toxic.

Maddox: - any toxin that your body produces -- like, say, I don't know, pee or poo -- is something that your body already has a mechanism of dealing with! It's called your asshole. Or peehole.

Dick: What about boogers? You gotta pick THEM out.

Maddox: (chuckling) No, not always!

Dick: They don't come out on their own!

Maddox: You know what I found? If you eat enough spicy food they'll just run all over your mouth.

Dick: Oho, great. (sarcastic) (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: You'll get a big drizzle! That's how your body protects itself, man! And by the way, you don't need to get rid of boogers; your boogers are there to collect, uh, bacteria and spores and other shit that you're not supposed to swallow.

Dick: Quotable quote! (Maddox laughs) "You don't need to get rid of your boogers." - Maddox. Put that on your Facebook quotes. (grinning)

Maddox: Look man, if you leave 'em alone long enough they'll get big enough and they'll fall out on their own.

Dick: Oh, god. Alright. (grossed out)

Maddox: That's a fact! That's a fact. Here's another -- here's my final source, from Alternet: it says, "Some web sites claim you will actually excrete up to 2,000 gallstones with this flush. As it turns out, you won't excrete gallstones at all, although the flush will cause you to excrete what looks like little green 'stones.'" And they're talkin' about this uh, this -

Dick: (interjects) What?!

Maddox: Yeah, this green fruit flush? Or -

Dick: (interjects) What does "excrete" mean? Where are these green st-...where are these little emeralds coming out of me?

Maddox: Presumably your butt or your peehole. [returns to Alternet article] "So what are they?"

Dick: (interjects) It's a big difference! (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, this is... (everyone laughs more) Hey man, not on chicks! That's like a quarter of an inch difference. Come on. (smiling) Um, so they're saying -- this is a diet cleanse that they were talkin' about that requires you to drink, like, gallons of olive oil and...I dunno, like, green leaves and shit?

Dick: Yeah, that's the one I've heard of too.

Maddox: Yeah, it's a bunch of bullshit. "So what are they? 'Saponified olive oil,' answers clinical herbalist Rosalee de la Forêt. Remember, you just drank a large amount of olive oil and lemon juice, and it has to come out the other end. The olive oil actually turns into soap inside your body." (both laugh) "The soap absorbs bile, turning it green -- although it's been shown that when someone drinks red dye along with the liver flush mixture, the stones will be red on the inside." So these...these MORONS are just swallowing gallons of olive oil and lemon, and it just turns into SOAP inside your stomach! That's what you're excreting, you dumb shits!! (yelling) (Dick laughs) It's not gallstones, ya fuckin' morons!

Dick: So they could just be shitting in their designer soap dishes? (amused) (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Is that the solution? We get all these bored housewives...guzzling oil and shitting out designer soap?

Maddox: Yeah! There you go, idiot! And -

Dick: (interjects) A soap that you can't use?

Maddox: Yeah, soap that you can't use.

Sean: If we're gonna recycle, let's get serious.

Dick: Yeah. (grinning) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. And by the way, when you drink large quantities of oil or eat a large quantity of oily food, that does shit to your colon! You can't keep it in; it just kind of leaks out. You remember that, uh, Xenical? I think it was Xenical, or what's the...there was, Fen-Phen or some diet pill that you took that -- basically there was this class of diet pills that came out in the mid-'90s that made it so that your body would not absorb oil. And so -

Dick: (interjects) And you leak it out your asshole.

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What happens is what -

Dick: (interjects) It was a chip. It was Olestra.

Maddox: Olestra! That's the one.

Dick: Wasn't it?

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Is that the one? I think it was.

Sean: Yeah. Olean was the trade name and Olestra was the substance.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Olean!

Sean: I love how they show a guy in a commercial floating down a river in an inner tube. (Dick and Maddox laugh) 'Cause that's about the only way you're safe. (Dick laughs more)

Maddox: Yeah, it's, it's...

Sean: That stuff, you'd step off a high curb and shit yourself. (Maddox and Dick burst out laughing)

Maddox: And by the way, that's're gonna leave an oil slick behind you, too.

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: I actually have this clip from my own website from a long time ago. [] This is from...I believe is -- oh, it was Xenical or Celebrex. Listen to this. [plays clip from Xenical commercial linked in his article:]

Male voiceover: You may experience gas with oily discharge, increased bowel movements, an urgent need to have them, and an inability to control them. (Maddox chuckles)

[clip ends]

Dick: Hey, that could apply to hangovers too. (Maddox and Sean laugh) To be fair.

Maddox: Yeah, to be fair. (sardonic) Um, yeah. This, this is what you're doing to yourself by taking all these cleanses that don't do anything,'re essentially producing soap in your bowels, ya dumbasses.

Dick: Well, the body is not like a carburetor.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Right? Like, it's not like a mechanical thing that we made. It's, uh, it can't be -- it doesn't need that kind of cleaning. It doesn't need a tune-up. Right?

Maddox: Doesn't need a tune-up, no. Don' don't need an enema, you don't... (cracks up)

Dick: No! (chuckling)

Maddox: don't need to flush your system. Your body doesn't leave big hunks of shit in its colon! (Dick laughs) Ya shit it out, guys.

Dick: Yep! (squeaking through laughter) Like cavemen are goin' around, it was like, "Welp, got too full of shit! We had to leave him behind!" (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) "Too slow! He had all this...POOP in his bowels!"

Maddox: He had a buncha turds up there.

Dick: Not a very good design. (amused)

Maddox: No. No, that's why we need cleanses. We need colon cleanses. (dryly) And we survived tens of thousands of years with, uh...without colon cleanses and diet detoxes...

Dick: Yeah. (laughs)

Maddox: ...just fine. And now suddenly because Beyonce and fuckin' Gwyneth Paltrow is gettin' her ass flushed with oil? (Dick cackles)

Dick: Ooo!

Maddox: And it's kind of related to these oil pullers. Have you heard this, Dick?

Dick: Oil pullers?

Maddox: Oil pulling, yeah! Do you know what this is?

Dick: It sounds like jerking off.

Maddox: Yeah, it sounds...

Dick: What is it?

Maddox: Yeah, it is! It's a big jerkoff that you do in your MOUTH. (Dick scoffs and laughs) Um, what people do (cracks up) is they...there's this big trend -

Dick: (interjects) Jesus CHRIST! (laughing)

Maddox: It is, man! Wait 'til I...wait 'til you hear this! This was big on, uh, Huffington Post -

Dick: (interjects) I think I've heard enough! (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: This was big on Huffington Post and a lot of, like, women's websites, like Gawker and all that shit. They were talkin' about this conc-...this thing that people do; it's related to diet detoxes, but it's oil pulling. And what they do is every morning they wake up and they put a spoonful of coconut oil in their mouth, and they swish it around for 20 minutes. And it's supposed to, of course, "leach toxins" from your mouth and your body and whatever. It's supposed to make your teeth whiter, and this and that, but there is no evidence. People have found in studies that if you do an oil pull with coconut oil OR you do an oil pull, say, with just water -- so just a water pull...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: has about the same effect, because you're swishing around your mouth some liquid for 20 minutes and of course it's going to get rid of some of the gunk in your mouth. But who has -

Dick: (interjects) That's weird!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Do they just want the taste of coconut in their mouth all day, or...?

Maddox: No no, they -

Dick: (interjects) Do they brush their teeth? Could we just do that?

Maddox: (chuckling) Yeah. Brushing your teeth also works.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Guys. (annoyed) But they think that because when you put, uh...say, like a clove of garlic into olive oil, the oil kind of saps the flavor of the garlic.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So they think the same theory applies to your teeth. So you're basically marinating your mouth with coconut oil that you spit out every day, and it's supposed to make your teeth whiter or some...I dunno, man.

Dick: Do you remember the guy that turned himself into a Smurf?

Maddox: Someone was tellin' me about this. I think it was you.

Dick: Oh GOD, it's the funniest thing! Any time any of these like, bullshit detox things comes up -- Sean, you remember this guy.

Sean: Yeah! He took like, a bunch of silver.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Or something like that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He thought silver...

Sean: He's fucking BLUE, for life! He's blue!

Dick: He's, he's...he's blue, and he has a big white beard and a big white, like, pompadour or whatever? He looks like Papa Smurf. Like, he is...he is blue as a smurf, dude. Look it up.

Maddox: Eh, I will, but you know what's kinda cool about that, Dick, is uh...if he starts some foreplay with a chick and she changes her mind? Hey, you can't really tell if he's got blue balls! (Dick scoffs)

Dick: Oh, wow. (under his breath) Yeah. (background laughter)

Maddox: That's all I got -- I don't know, man! (Dick laughs) Whatever.

Dick: I guess that's true!

Maddox: Do you have another problem, Dick? What do you got? Cuss Control over here?

Dick: No, it's gettin' too long.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: I do wanna read some stuff outta this Cuss Control book, though.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Do you mind?

Maddox: So for those who don't remember, if you haven't listened to the last episode, Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock sent us some Christmas gifts, and one of them was this book called Cuss Control...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...about how to curb your...your cursing.

Dick: Way back when, I brought in Too Much Swearing as a problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, and this was my...this was my source of information, the Cuss Control book. So they sent it in. It's THE greatest and funniest book. I've only read two paragraphs in it (Maddox chuckles) and I've already laughed hysterically TWICE. I can't say that for any other book I've ever read. Lemme read you something out of the chapter called "Ways To Avoid Anger." Uh, presumably, being angry causes swearing.

Maddox: Uh...I don't know, man. I swear when I'm happy, too.

Dick: Well, you know. (stammers) I don't know.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is just -- that's why it's in the book.

Maddox: Let's see what he says, yeah.

Dick: That's why it's in the book. So, number two: this is how...this is a way you can avoid anger. "If what you heard is true, decide if anger is the right reaction." (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)

Dick: 'Kay?

Maddox: 'Cause anger is uh, one of those things that you *decide* beforehand. (amused)

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, decide if it's the right reaction, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, is this...are you the Incredible Hulk? Do you need to get angry so you can save the earth from an invading alien species? Maybe! (mocking)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Here's the flowchart: uh, step number one was "Get the facts before you get mad."

Maddox: (smirking) Yeah, sure.

Dick: So now we're on step number two.

Maddox: That's what mad people do, is they stop and think about it...

Dick: What?

Maddox: ...and then they get the facts. They control themselves.

Dick: Just tryin' to help ya out, here!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, here's the scenario: "Decide if anger is the right reaction. If your daughter was drinking when she totaled the car, your anger might scare her into never doing it again. But did you tell her that you are glad she didn't get hurt?" (slowly for emphasis) (Maddox and Sean laugh) "Your boyfriend DID kiss another girl, but will he want to salvage his relationship with you if you threaten to *castrate* him?" (Maddox laughs harder)

Maddox: That's what he goes to!

Dick: Yeah! That was the first thought. (grinning)

Maddox: That's the first thought! It's like, "I'm gonna cut your dick off!"

Dick: Uh-huh! "You thought you did a good job on that project, but now that you have the boss's perspective, can you make it better? Disasters do happen, but look at each occurrence to determine if it really qualifies as a disaster." So that was it. That was...a drunk driving accident, uh, you wanna cut your boyfriend's dick off... (cracking up) ...and uh, 'did you do a good job at work?'

Maddox: Yeah! Real, uh, real even-keeled. I like his examples. (mocking)

Dick: Yeah! (quietly; about to laugh)

Maddox: Of castration.

Dick: Uh, you can's "Forget Anger and Go For the Laughs": "You can get bogged down struggling to control your anger. A different or supplemental approach is to find the humor in annoying situations while they are happening."

Maddox: Hmm!

Dick: So this'd be good for you.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't think so. (laughs)

Dick: Well..."When you do something clumsy and others laugh, laugh WITH them rather than be incensed." (grinning) (everyone laughs hysterically) Who is this for?? (squeaking) Guys are tripping and just immediately blowing their stacks?!

Maddox: Yeah! (laughs more)

Dick: And people laugh at them?? So now when they fall over or spill something, they're just going, "HA HA HA HA!! I THINK IT'S FUNNY TOO!!!" (crazed voice)

Maddox: "AAAAAHAHAHA! I FELL! Hey, look at me, everyone! I'm an idiot!! AHAHAHA!" (trails off laughing) Who the fuck is this...?! He wrote this for cartoon characters. (Dick and Sean laugh hysterically)

Dick: It's the best book ever! (squeaking through giggles)

Sean: It's for Donald Duck!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: The whole book is like it!! It's great! They're good tips. They're good tips, I don't wanna only mock it.

Maddox: Like, give me one...what's a good tip that they have in that book? Do you have any?

Dick: Uh, lemme see. "Off-color humor can ease tension, or cause it." Oh, wait a minute. I thought it was gonna... (cracks up)

Maddox: Oh. (chuckling)

Dick: ...I thought it was gonna be a good tip.

Maddox: It kinda -- I mean, that's true! It CAN ease tension amongst racists, or cause it amongst non-racists! (laughs)

Dick: I'm lookin' for one..."Communicate more clearly. What does it mean to say something looks like shit?" (brief silence, then everyone explodes with laughter)

Maddox: I mean...

Dick: Remember, this is how not to cuss. (smiling) (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So what does it really mean to say something looks like shit?

Maddox: I know EXACTLY what that means.

Dick: "Suppose you are talking about a house. Is it brown? Poorly designed?" (Maddox laughs hysterically) "In need of paint? In disrepair?" (cracks up) "If you refer to someone as an 'asshole,' will others know what you mean?"

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: YES. (background laughter)

Maddox: Exactly!

Dick: Most definitely, yes.

Maddox: 'Hey, what do you guys think of Randy?' 'Oh, he's a...he's an asshole.'

Dick: 'He's an asshole!' (about to laugh)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Really??' 'No no, he's a FUCKIN' asshole.' (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: 'Wait, wait, do you mean he's a puckered-up piece of the body that excretes, uh, soap sometimes?'

Dick: Fuckin' asshole, he'd be unpuckered. 'Cause he'd be getting fucked. (grinning) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Oh, a "fucking asshole."

Dick: I'm just being, you know, semant-...literal.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Like the book intends. Alright. What are, uh, what are our problems?

Maddox: So our problems this week, Dick -- mine were Lesser Minds and Detox Diets.

Dick: Mine was Hangovers. (brief silence) (Maddox and Sean laugh) Oh, I got some fan art too! Do you wanna see that?

Maddox: Yeah, let's see some fan art!

Dick: I keep meaning to bring it in. [reading text at top of fan art] "The Biggest Problem in the Universe: Tactical Problem-Solving..."? I think it says. Metal Gear Solid...

Maddox: Oh, I saw that.

Dick: art? Do you remember this one?

Maddox: I do, yeah.

Dick: Take a good look at that.

Maddox: Yeah, I see that. They drew -- the guy drew me as a chick! (annoyed) (Sean smirks in the background) Which pisses me off.

Dick: Pretty cool! I got guns, I look like a spy of some sort. He's got "fuckery" on the box, that's funny.

Maddox: [plays sound clip from Metal Gear Solid]

(dramatic synthesizer string music)

Col. Campbell: Snaaaake? SNAAAAAAKE!

Dick: (over clip) You got a monkey over here, though.

[sound clip ends]

Maddox: (laughs)

Dick: You like that?

Maddox: Oh yeah, he drew that little monkey in there! Look guys, um, you guys didn't think that Snakes were a problem, you don't think that Monkeys are a's all gonna come back and bite you right in the ass! (shouting) You'll see!

Dick: Well. (quietly)

Maddox: One of these days!

Dick: There ya have it!

Maddox: Anyway guys, that's our problems this week. Those are our problems, rather, and uh...don't forget, the live show's coming up. It's gonna be online, you'll all be able to see it. (closing riff starts) It's awesome, and again, vote for the problems on I'm Maddox.

Dick: Thanks for listening.

Maddox: Thanks, guys.

(closing riff)

Voicemail: (in an Irish accent) Happy New Years, you fuckheads. I'll tell you what the biggest problem is. And yes, this is me calling from Ireland. Well, this is pre-hangover, when I'm drunk. (Maddox laughs) The biggest problem is people falling asleep when...they're fucking drunk (Maddox laughs) and not being able to handle alcohol and saying they'll do something, like, let's say, make a pizza. And they become completely unresponsive, so you have to make your own pizza and end up making a mess. (everyone laughs) Anyway guys, Happy New Year. Fuck off. Bye.

[message ends]

Dick: You end up makin' a mess! (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah. (amused) What'd he, try to make a pizza drunk?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Well...

Voicemail: Hey, this is uh, Thilo from The Second Biggest Problem in the, Second Biggest...Best Page...fuck! (under his breath)

[message ends]

(Maddox laughs loudly)

Dick: Yeah, I love those. (grinning) I love those. This guy tried to call up and call me retarded THREE TIMES and he fucked up the voicemail every time. (Maddox laughs) I gotta bring 'em all in next week.

Maddox: That's hilarious. Uh, yeah, let's play a big string of fuck-ups. (Dick laughs)