The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 3
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey!! Maddox -- I'm gonna get it right this time -- author of The Best PAGE in the Universe and The Alphabet of Manliness, your bestseller. I'm Dick Masterson, author of Men Are Better Than Women. Right?
Maddox: Hey, we nailed it!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Perfect!
Dick: Good job.
Maddox: Excellent.
Dick: Uh, I've got...do you mind if I launch into something? I have to...I have some chewing out to do.
Maddox: Oh, boy.
Dick: At the top of the show.
Maddox: Alright, let's hear your chewing out.
Dick: Sean, our audio engineer, I have a big problem with you. Okay? So last week, we did the podcast. Sean takes it, he sends it back; I listen to it when it goes online, and I notice that Sean has cut out a bunch of my hilarious jokes! (Maddox laughs) So Sean, I don't know where you get off thinking that you can just go through and edit things out that I say. I really appreciate you helping us with this, but I don't know what you think you're doing! Cutting out things I'm saying that I think are really funny.
Maddox: Dick, are...are you sure, uh, Sean cut those out?
Dick: All I know is I...we do the podcast, and then when I listened to it...
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: ...stuff that I'm -- who else would do it?
Maddox: Oh! You know, uh, I did actually make some edits to the podcast. (smiling)
Dick: Oh, it was you?
Maddox: Yeah, it was me. (laughs) Ohh boy.
Dick: Sean, I apologize.
Maddox: Oh! So I guess Sean, uh, Sean wasn't a problem at all, huh?
Dick: (inhales) No, the problem again is you.
Maddox: It was me.
Dick: Speaking of you being a problem, let's go to the...the board.
Maddox: The board, okay. So last week, our problems were Horoscopes, The Plastic Bag Ban -- those are my problems -- and then we had Tinder and Long Emails, were the 4 problems. And ranking in number one, at the highest problem -
Dick: (interjects) Here we go! It's me! (Maddox chuckles) Here we go! Tinder and Long Emails. It's gotta be Tinder and Long Emails.
Maddox: It's Horoscopes. Horoscopes is number one with 36 votes. (Dick sighs in disappointment) Number two is The Plastic Bag Ban, number three is Tinder and number four is Long Emails. However, they came pretty close.
Dick: So you're telling me that my problems came pretty close to each other, both in last place?
Maddox: They both came in last place. However, on the overall -
Dick: (interjects) Okay, eff...eff you. (Maddox cracks up) Don't give me the condescending, "Oh yeah, mine both won but yours both tied for last. So, good job."
Maddox: Yeah, they did tie for last. However, your...the highest problem of one of yours so far is Guys Asking Other Guys About Their Dogs. That's uh, that's in the positive territory. So I guess -
Dick: (interjects) Good, 'cause I think that's the worst problem I've come up with so far. Um, Tinder actually screwed me over again this week. Do you wanna hear about that?
Maddox: Yeah, what happened with Tinder?
Dick: Okay. So I match...I match the girl.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And she's like, "Let's go out and, you know, bang. Or whatever." (Maddox scoffs)
Maddox: Is that what she said? (amused)
Dick: No, but that was the subtext.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Dick: So I'm like, "Oh, cool. Um, you know, where? Where do you live? I'll come...I'm a romantic guy. I'll come bang you in your territory first. 'Cause I don't want you to know where I live."
Maddox: It's like Shakespeare I'm listening to.
Dick: Yeah! I am.
Maddox: Right. (amused)
Dick: So she goes, "Hawthorne." And I said, "Ugh. God dammit." For those of you who don't know, I live in Hollywood, so Hawthorne is about...I think it's about 2,000 miles away from Hollywood. It's like a 40-minute drive. So I'm like, "Alright." So I go drive to meet her at this bar, first of all, so she can find out that I'm not...a weirdo.
Maddox: Well, okay. That's debatable.
Dick: Anyway. (Maddox snickers) I'm outside the bar, and this chick is smoking outside the bar and I'm like...
Maddox: Cool.
Dick: The girl's late, so I'm like, "Hey, what's goin' on? How you doin'?" She's hot!
Maddox: Mhm. This is not the girl you're meeting, another girl's smoking? Okay.
Dick: No, this is another girl. I wanted it to be that -- I was wishing it was that girl.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And I told her that, which was a great line. She ate it up. So I'm like, "Look, how much of a creep would I be if I asked you out while I'm waiting for this other girl?" And she's like, "Not...not creepy enough!" Like... (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Good...good sign.
Dick: So she gives me her number, and I'm like, "Awesome! Where do you live?" "Santa Monica."
Maddox: Ha!
Dick: So Tinder is setting me up...now I've got...I've gotta drive an HOUR for the first girl, and now I'm meeting a second girl that's, what, 40 minutes?? I'm spending my whole day in the car! (yelling)
Maddox: That's outrageous! How dare women live far away from you? (teasing)
Dick: You know what I'm saying. (annoyed) It's unnatural. I meet a girl at a bar, she lives right around the corner.
Maddox: Yeah, not necessarily. I mean, you met this girl, she lives in Santa Monica! Which is, what, 45 minutes away from where you were. What was she doin' out there, by the way? Maybe on a Tinder date.
Dick: Nononono, no. Hawthorne and Santa Monica are very close.
Maddox: Oh, I didn't know that.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Eh, well, there you go.
Dick: Let's not rehash it.
Maddox: Hey, uh, real quick! We do have some comments that I wanted to uh, that I wanted to mention. One of 'em...one of 'em is from a guy named...Talusin, and he said that "Only superficial people with total lack of deep perception concern themselves with proofs, statistics, evidence, and other assorted superficial nonsense." And then he cited a book called "How to Lie with Statistics" by Darrell Huff.
Dick: Hey, that's in support of me!! Right?
Maddox: Eh...
Dick: 'Cause I hate statistics too!
Maddox: Well, okay, but listen to his next line. He says, "Go get some real problems, gals."
Dick: Uh...what's his name?
Maddox: Talusin.
Dick: Talusin? You're in luck, because we've got some *real* problems today. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Well, they're -- you'll like this next comment too. One more comment. This one's from Handy...the guy's name is Handy. Uh, this is -
Dick: (interjects) That's not a real name.
Maddox: Well, it's on Facebook, it's gotta be. Uh... (cracks up) He says, "Nice podcast. Dick, just a couple of notes: You need to interrupt *more,* because you're fucking hilarious."
Dick: Hey!! (cheerfully)
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Alright! Thanks, Handy!
Maddox: Yeah. Up yours, Handy.
Dick: You can handy me anytime. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah, oh...okay. Why don't you guys go give each other handys. Let's get to the problems!
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Uh, Dick.
Dick: I'll go first. Um...oh man, I have so much more that I wanna talk -- so much more weird stuff that I wanna talk about here. (inhales thoughtfully) But let's get to the problems. This is a show about problems, finding the biggest problem in the universe. Let's go. Um, Tesla. The car.
Maddox: Tesla...Tesla Motors, or just the, the...? Well, I guess it's the same thing. The car?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: There's nothing more to Tesla Motors than the car.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Tesla the car.
Maddox: Tesla the car. Why Tesla?
Dick: Um...'cause it's a lame car.
Maddox: What's lame about it?! It's like, the most cutting-edge, high-tech car that there is!
Dick: No it's not!
Maddox: What's a more -
Dick: (interjects) You only think that because of the press!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: It is DEFINITELY not. Look, look, look. This is like a...the electric car field is, like, brand new...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...technology.
Maddox: Eh, not really, but... (brief pause) Okay, it's new, sure.
Dick: The combustion engine is, like...that's like a race car. Like, there's billions of dollars going into it. THAT'S cutting edge! The Tesla is just a bunch of laptop batteries attached to a gigantic remote control car.
Maddox: No, laptop batteries didn't exist 100 years ago! The combustion engine's been around for almost 100 years now.
Dick: Alright, but that's not why...that's not why it's the biggest problem...in the universe.
Maddox: Okay, why is it the biggest problem?
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: 'Cause they're cool cars.
Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) No, they're not. They're lame. And I'm gonna get to why you think they're cool.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: Um, it's also not...that...it's subsidized...it's like a gamble by the government, which paid off, which means they're gonna do it again. Right? So the government dumps 500 million dollars into making a Tesla.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Then they pay the loan off, so the government's like, "That's win-win! We could do this all day!"
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: "It's a money machine."
Maddox: Alright. What's wrong with that?
(brief silence)
Dick: It's -
Maddox: (interjects) It made money. The government invested -
Dick: (interjects) It's a gambling...it's a gambler's fallacy. That's what's wrong with it.
Maddox: Well, no, but they...that's a measured, uh, risk that they took. They invested in this company, they got a return on their investment -
Dick: (interjects) You don't want the government doing that with your money! (chuckling)
Maddox: Don't tell me what I want the government to do with my money!
Dick: No...okay, fine. (Maddox cracks up) You're right! You're right.
Maddox: I want the government to invest... (laughing)
Dick: You're right. Everybody wants the government to be gamb-...I don't -- why don't you just send...send the government a plane ticket to Atlantic City. They can go sit with your money at a slot machine... (Maddox laughs) ...and pull until another Tesla pops out.
Maddox: That's gr-...that sounds awesome.
Dick: Yeah. Okay. (annoyed)
Maddox: (audience laughing sound effect) (giggles) I like that...I like that idea a lot.
Dick: Um, here's the real reason why it's the biggest problem: it lets...it lets guys who don't know anything about cars finally feel like men for the first time in their lives.
Maddox: How so?
Dick: Because, like, it's...it's a good feeling to talk about something that gets you around! It's like having a superpower. Like, having a car is like a real version of having a superpower.
Maddox: Uh...
Dick: You can go a hundred and...whatever you wanna go, you feel like you're flying, you know? It's a powerful thing that you wanna bond with other men about. But this whole generation of guys who've grown up on computers and don't know how to get their hands dirty...don't know how to talk about cars!
Maddox: Hmm... (skeptical)
Dick: So here comes a Tesla, here comes a Tesla and lets them live out these fantasies of talking about their car with other nerds.
Maddox: Yeah. You know what? I'm on board with this. This is cool. Because guess what? The old, the -
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, "it's cool"? You're on board with what I'm saying? You think it's cool -
Maddox: (interjects) No, I'm on board with the g-...with the nerds (Dick sighs) who are feelin' like men now, 'cause guess what? It's the changing of the guard. I can finally have one up on my dad! My dad, the old, uh, war vet! The old badass. He knows everything about cars! He can build an engine. He HAS built an engine. He's an awesome mechanic. And now finally, it's the changing of the guards. Well, well, well. Welcome to MY territory, Pops! (smiling) You don't know computers? (switches to frail voice) "Oh, I don't understand! My fingers are too big!" Or whatever the excuse is. Now *I'm* in control. I'm the powerful one, baby.
Dick: You'd put wheels on your computer? (flatly)
Maddox: I'd put wheels...yeah!
Dick: Congratulations. (dryly)
Maddox: Great! That's awesome! Computers are GREAT. You know what? And they're...and Google just came out this week, I think, with a new driverless car that doesn't even have a steering wheel. Doesn't even have BRAKES. It just has a stop button if you need to stop, but that's it. You're in complete...you're, uh, out of control. You're out of the loop.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: From this driving process. It is -- it does have some chilling potential here, because if there was a high-speed chase or something they could just shut you down, and who knows, I mean...
Dick: What do you mean, if you were the bad guy? You phrased that -- that's a chilling... (Maddox laughs) ...consequence? If you're being chased by the police, they can just shut you down.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: Okay! You're...now you're playing into my argument.
Maddox: Hey, just 'cause the cops are chasing you, doesn't mean you're the bad guy. Think about it.
Dick: Yeah!!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: So I want, like, an internal combustion engine that's not...in the grid in any way, that I can have like, a tank of gas and be totally on my own and self-reliant.
Maddox: Yeah. (unsure) I dunno, man. I feel like, I feel like this...again, with the... (stammers) Back to what you said earlier too, with the government investing. So what's the alternative? With every step of one of these problems, that like, "Oh, we can't have the government investing this money in this tech company." Like, what was that...uh, Solyndra! Uh, we invested in Solyndra, the -
Dick: (interjects) Is that the solar power one?
Maddox: That was the solar power one!
Dick: That went bankrupt?
Maddox: Yeah. Huge...huge -
Dick: (interjects) Blew a bunch of money.
Maddox: Yeah, huge controversy.
Dick: Burning it.
Maddox: However, what's the alternative? Uh, where would you have the government spend that money? Like, not spend it on -
Dick: (interjects) Give it...give it back to me!!
Maddox: Give it back to you? (cracking up)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: And what, and -
Dick: (interjects) I'LL go gamble it!
Maddox: Yeah. And then, and then -
Dick: (interjects) At least I have fun gambling then!
Maddox: So, so then -
Dick: (interjects) Not WASTING it on a dumb laptop with wheels! That's my money!!
Maddox: Yeah. Well, so then the hope is that somebody just, uh, magics upon an industry...
Dick: No!
Maddox: ...that gets us off -
Dick: (interjects) The hope is nothing. I don't care! I don't want an electric car!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I'm fine with a COOL car...
Maddox: Yeah. (unsure)
Dick: ...that uses gas!
Maddox: Yeah, and then we gotta dick around in the Middle East for it.
Dick: I don't know, is that true that we have to do that?
Maddox: Well...
Dick: Do we really need the gas that bad?
Maddox: Yeah, man. It's a limited resource.
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: Like, uh...yeah! I mean, it's...you know, what are you gonna do?
Dick: Look, you know what? I don't really know why I dislike them.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: I think it's because I know...I think it's because I know, like, I know both parts of it and I'm kinda like, "Ahh, you guys, you're so excited about the electric car 'cause you finally can talk like men about your cars, but...you coulda just put a little time into learning the other way."
Maddox: Yeah, well, I think you should understand both. However, I do like being in control, and I'm going to fully embrace this new revolution. I can't wait.
Dick: It's not a revolution, though! It's inventing something we already had...with different technology.
Maddox: Yeah, but it's technology that the old guard doesn't understand! I can't WAIT to be standing in a mechanic shop with my dad, or in his shop working on something, and we open up the hood and he just kinda scratches his head and he's like, "I don't understand!" (frail voice) And I'm gonna step in and show him how things are done. Huh? (cocky)
Dick: What are you gonna do?
Maddox: Fix the car like a hero, that's what I'm gonna do.
Dick: How?
Maddox: Just with my...knowledge.
Dick: Okay. (muttering)
Maddox: My smarts. Yeah.
Dick: Alright, do...do your problem.
Maddox: Alright, let's get to a real problem here. Alright? My problem -- my first problem today, and this is a big problem, is monkeys. ( monkeys whooping sound effect) (both giggle) Monkeys! Okay. Let's talk about the elephant in the room here. Alright? Monkeys are dead weight. They're holding us back. And I'm not talkin' about just monkeys or chimpanzees or apes, I'm talkin' about the whole thing. Primates. Primates are dead weight. What can you do with them?
Dick: Is that...wait, is that people also?
Maddox: No, I don't consider people primates.
Dick: Does science consider them primates? (Maddox snorts)
Maddox: Who cares what science thinks? (laughing)
Dick: Okay. Alright.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So you mean...uh, hairy, like, hominids that are walkin' around that are not human beings?
Maddox: Non-human.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Non-human primates is what specifically I'm talkin' about. You can't eat them! Right?
Dick: Monkeys?
Maddox: Right! You can't eat them.
Dick: I don't WANT to, no.
Maddox: Nobody wants to! 'Cause they're just, you know, it's...you feel kinda guilty 'cause they're kinda smart. They can like, solve a Rubik's Cube that has like 2 sides on it. Like, what...you know, it's...what would that be, just a coin? (cracks up) Monkeys...monkeys are dead weight, and I en--
Dick: (interjects) Why are mon-...what's not dead weight to you?
Maddox: Humans!! Humans are the only thing on this planet that are moving things forward. Like, when's the last time you saw a monkey build a Walmart? Or an oil platform?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Or a -
Dick: (interjects) So these are, what, moving...moving things forward to what? To what end?
Maddox: So we can get off this planet! You know this earth is doomed, right?
Dick: You know what I get?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: This is...okay, I don't...I don't get this about you people. (excited)
Maddox: M'kay.
Dick: You tech nerds.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: It's all you Tesla people, too, that are always on about colonizing the universe. Why?? Why do you want to get off the planet so bad?
Maddox: (raises voice) Because this planet is fucking doomed!
Dick: So what?
Maddox: In about a billion years, it's -
Dick: (interjects) So are you!! Hey, here's a newsflash: you're gonna die first! So who cares?
Maddox: No, not necessarily! I -- see, humans are...are solving this problem of mortality. I WILL overcome mortality eventually. I suspect the second I die, I'm gonna wake -
Dick: (interjects) This sounds like a supervillain speech. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I think it...like, 80 percent of the things I've said today sound like a supervillain.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: But, uh, monkeys...monkeys aren't doing anything.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) So, wait wait wait wait wait. You wanna get...your goal is to have your brain...I'm just, I'm extrapolating based off of what you just said.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Because I think I get, like, the...I think I get what you guys are goin' after. You wanna put your brain in a computer -
Maddox: (interjects) Don't "you guys" us! Okay?
Dick: I'm sorry. I get what you PEOPLE are after. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Don't "you people" us! (giggling)
Dick: You wanna put your brain in a computer...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...so you can live in, like, a fantasy Matrix world, and then you want this...uh, let's just refer to it as a "thought virus," scattered all over the universe for no reason. So you can live in a virtual world where you sit on your couch arguing with people over the Internet. Over the virtual Internet all day.
Maddox: Thought virus? What, are you talkin'...are you calling humans a "thought virus"??
Dick: No! I'm... (stammers) Yeah.
Maddox: (excited) You...
Dick: Yeah! I guess, yeah.
Maddox: Okay, there's an article that came out in...I think it was like Fizz.org, that talked about how they believe that matter may...that life might be a form of matter. So there's solid, liquid, gas, plasma, and then they're sayin' another form of matter might be life, because they're starting to create, uh, nanotechnology that -
Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: This is getting too science-y.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I just wanna...I just wanna ask...
Maddox: Right.
Dick: I just wanna know, is that the goal? To get yourself immortal in a computer and get off the planet?
Maddox: I'm not gonna be in a computer, but I will get off the planet, yes.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: We HAVE to! We have no choice BUT to get off this planet. This is a doomed planet. Everything and everyone on this planet -
Dick: (interjects) But *why* does it matter...why is it important to you that we colonize other crap?? That's what I'm asking. Why is it important to get off the doomed planet?
Maddox: Uh, is that a serious question?!
Dick: YES!
Maddox: Listen to the sentence you just said! It's a DOOMED PLANET! What else is there?
Dick: I don't know, other doomed planets?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Who cares?
Maddox: So we just use the resources, we jump from planet to planet using them up as much as possible! But back to monkeys for a second. Monkeys are like the chicks of the...the animal kingdom. Right? Have you ever listened to the maddening screams...? Listen to this. ( sound clip of a chimpanzee screeching wildly) Isn't that -
Dick: (interjects) The way you phrased that, I think that you jerk off to sound clips like that. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I'm not gonna -
Dick: (interjects) "Monkeys are the chicks of the animal kingdom"?
Maddox: Yeah, they're the chicks -- they scream! They just scream all the time.
Dick: Okay. So their sounds annoy you?
Maddox: Their sounds annoy me, and there's only two cultures on earth, really, that eat...uh, eat monkeys at all! Like monkey brains. Which, by the way, can give you spongiform encephalophagus, whatever the hell...uh, the bovine, um -
Dick: (interjects) I think it's "encephalitis." It's not a mup-...muppet. Alright? (Maddox and Sean laugh) Uh, so... (chuckling) Yeah, but I think...I think your main point, though, is this progress thing.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, I *really* think...I think that you believe humanity is somehow, uh, moving technology forward.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And that's just a good thing.
Maddox: It's great.
Dick: Like, you got a goal of getting off Earth for no reason.
Maddox: Mhm. (suddenly excited) No no, NOT "no reason"! This is a doomed planet! Like if you were standing on...on a platform that was dissolving, and you knew there was lava underneath you -- and by the way, this is...the analogy here is lava is the sun, so literally lava. Uh, and you saw the platform dissolving -
Dick: (interjects) You're asking me this?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: If you saw the platform dissolving, wouldn't you move? Wouldn't you step off that rock?
Dick: Well, where, where...where? Where am I stepping to?
Maddox: Step off the rock!! We're goin' to Mars! We're gonna terraform Mars, baby!
Dick: No, what...
Maddox: Let's do it!
Dick: Don't...don't break your own analogy. Where am I stepping to?
Maddox: Mars is the next rock.
Dick: I'm stepping to Mars? (skeptical)
Maddox: You're stepping to Mars.
Dick: Lemme explain how an analogy works.
Maddox: Okay, okay! (laughs) Well, no no -- okay. That's...that's the step analogy, but if you were stepping off that platform that's dissolving, you would step onto another one.
Dick: Ehh...
Maddox: And of course, that one's dissolving too!
Dick: Nah, you're putting...I don't know know that I would! What's over there?
Maddox: What are you, just gonna die?! (Dick searches for words) What's the point?
Dick: I'm dying before the platform dissolves. Am I gonna go jump on the other platform?
Maddox: You don't know that, dude.
Dick: Die over there?
Maddox: You don't know, the platform could disintegrate any second.
Dick: I just want one of you guys to explain why it's so important to colonize outer space! I don't get it!!
Maddox: Because... (stammers)
Dick: I really don't get it!
Maddox: Again, all of humanity, every species that has ever existed, every tree, plant, and animal; everything on this planet will be engulfed inside the sun! In about 4 billion years.
Dick: Dude, in...yeah, 4 billion years!! Like, you guys...I think this is what it is. I think you guys wanna feel like you're saving -- like, you all think you're Techno Jesus, so you wanna feel responsible for like, saving everyone from the sun being a supernova. (mocking) But in reality, no one gives a shit.
Maddox: (yelling) No one gives a shit about the planet?!? Are you kidd-...there's so many fucking environmentalists and hippies!
Dick: (talking over Maddox) Sean, do you care about the sun going into a gigantic supernova that will kill everyone on Earth? Do you really?
Sean: I do not.
Dick: Yeah. I don't either.
Maddox: Great. Great. (annoyed)
Dick: No one cares.
Maddox: Buncha idiots. (buzzer sound effect) There you go. (audience booing sound effect) Losers.
Dick: But you know what I do like? I like goin' to the zoo and I like lookin' at monkeys!
Maddox: (groaning) Ohhh, BOO! Eff you! (sound clip of chimpanzee screeching wildly)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Here, scream. (screeching sounds continue) Yeah, there you go. Why don't you hang out with your dumbass monkeys? ( monkeys whooping sound effect) (imitates sound effect) "Hoo! HOO! I'M STUPID! Hoo!"
Dick: How many sound effects do you have over there? (amused)
Maddox: I got a bunch. I got a buncha sound effects. Yeah, why don't you hang out with your dumbass monkeys in the zoo while the sun engulfs this planet? Meanwhile, I'm gonna be -
Dick: (interjects) In 4 BILLION YEARS.
Maddox: Yeah, great! And I'm gonna be banging Mars babes.
Dick: I love this. This is a guy...tell me that you've done your taxes ahead of time every year.
Maddox: Almost never.
Dick: Almost never! So you're planning...you don't plan your TAXES, the most important thing in the year, on time, yet you're thinking ahead by 4 *billion* years.
Maddox: Yeah. The key words in that sentence are "thinking ahead." Right? Because here's the thing: taxes don't matter!
Dick: (talking over Maddox) It's not thinking ahead, jackass!
Maddox: No... (annoyed)
Dick: Yeah, your taxes definitely matter.
Maddox: Taxes don't...they don't matter if the earth...if the platform dissolves! You don't KNOW -
Dick: (interjects) A parking ticket matters more than something does in 4 billion years.
Maddox: Okay. We have way less than 4 billion years. We have about 1.5 billion years according to NASA's estimates, and even less than that. Some people say as little as 5,000!
Dick: What is the difference? (exasperated)
Maddox: Well, exactly! We're...we're doomed. This is a doomed planet.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: We need to get off of it.
Dick: WHY?!
Maddox: Everything...everything you've ever known relies on us getting off this dumbass planet. And monkeys -
Dick: (interjects) I don't know that I like everything I've ever known that much!
Maddox: Well, great! Then leave...leave behind the shit that you don't like! It's fuckin' awesome! It's like movin' out after a breakup.
Dick: Okay. Who's payin' for this?
Maddox: We...
Dick: Who's paying for sending everybody all over the universe?
Maddox: Nobody! It's all fucking...look, there's no such thing as money! We just CONJURE this bullshit. Everything we have -
Dick: (interjects) No such thing as money. (smiling) (Maddox cracks up) You're this guy? There's no such thing as money, he's gonna be immortal...and, uh, the earth is doomed.
Maddox: Look, let's say, let's say Earth...
Dick: Classic supervillain speech.
Maddox: ...let's say Earth is this spotless, pristine marble. You just come over, plop some humans on it. Right? Where's the money? How are they gonna pay for things?
Dick: Wait, what?!
Maddox: Oh, I don't know!
Dick: (laughing) Hold on. What?
Maddox: Like, you know, populous.
Dick: "Let's say the earth is a..." (still laughing) Why are we saying the earth is a pristine marble?
Maddox: Okay. Just -- let's just say...
Dick: Walk me through it.
Maddox: ...someone came over -
Dick: (interjects) Pretend that I'm a stupid idiot.
Maddox: Okay. (bursts out laughing)
Dick: Walk me...walk me through it! (chuckling)
Maddox: Oh, this'll be a stretch. Alright, here we go. So there's a pristine marble, it's just living...it's just floating around in the solar system.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: You come down, you plop some humans down, and then you say -
Dick: (interjects) You just said the same thing but...slower.
Maddox: Yeah! I'm tryin' to explain!! (excited)
Dick: Why are we plopping anyone down on it?
Maddox: No, I'm just SAYING... (cracks up) I'm trying to explain why money doesn't matter. Okay? (Dick laughs hysterically) So you put down...you put down -
Dick: (interjects) Okay. You're never gonna explain THAT. (grinning) (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: You put people down on this planet, and you...and then you come over to them and say, "Hey guys, by the way, there's a ticking time bomb. This planet's gonna self-destruct in about - "
Dick: (interjects) Am I one...am I one of the people?
Maddox: Who are on the planet?
Dick: Do I get to be on the planet? Yeah.
Maddox: No, you plopped down the people onto the planet. You're -
Dick: (interjects) Why would I do that? (laughs)
Maddox: Because we're doin' this experiment and you're on my rocket ship, for some shitty reason. I haven't kicked you off yet. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: (cracking up) Well! Probably 'cause I can fix it. (Maddox bursts out laughing) Probably 'cause I...probably 'cause it has a gas engine, like any good rocket, and it doesn't use a bunch of dumb BATTERIES.
Maddox: Oh... (worn out from laughing) (baby laughing sound effect) There you go. You get a baby laugh.
Dick: You know what? That's...hold on. Let me say...back to the Tesla thing.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: We need more jobs like that. Like, we need more...guys -
Maddox: (interjects) More mechanics. Who are...
Dick: Yes! More mechanics, more manual laborers.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: We need more plumbers.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: We don't need more...we don't need more bad laptops on wheels.
Maddox: Let's get some more TV repair shops goin', huh? Let's get some appliance repair centers. (cynical)
Dick: I don't think we need... (chuckling) I don't...okay, wait a minute. Let me -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah. Let's regress a little bit! Let's make TVs less efficient, let's go back to the fuckin' Stone Ages when we were...when we were takin' our...hauling our giant, heavy Magnavox and RCAs down to...or Zeniths down to the repair center to have some IDIOT who smells look at -
Dick: (interjects) Uh, you got...you got me there.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You got me there.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: You're...you're layin' it on a little thick.
Maddox: Hero. (Sean laughs in the background) I'm awesome. Alright. What's your second problem?
Dick: Did we get...was that..."monkeys" is your problem?? (cracking up)
Maddox: Monkeys! There's 424 species of monkeys! (yelling) You know what -
Dick: (interjects) He's got all these...he's got all this stuff written down that he didn't get to get to.
Maddox: Yeah, whatever!
Dick: All these stats, I know. I can... (grinning)
Maddox: Who CARES.
Dick: ...I can tell.
Maddox: It doesn't matter. (Dick laughs) I got...you know what? I got my problem out. Alright? And it's a big problem. Monkeys are holding us back. They're dead weight, we can't eat them.
Dick: So monkeys are keeping us from...wait a minute, why are they holding us back from exploring the universe?
Maddox: Anything that's not helping us is hold-...is in the way!
Dick: JESUS! You...everything you say sounds like a supervillain!! (Maddox laughs) What you're saying is called "eugenics"!
Maddox: No, I'm not suggesting we wipe them out! They can, they can hang -
Dick: (interjects) When you say "them," do you mean monkeys or do you mean people who are not working together to explore the universe? (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: No, the monkeys.
Dick: 'Cause it kinda sounds...
Maddox: I feel like people -- so, I used to...my, uh, thought process has evolved here. I used to think -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, hohohohoh! (jeering) (Maddox laughs) Go ahead.
Maddox: I used to think that people who worked at menial jobs -- menial labor, manual labor, uh...you know, fry cooks and things like that, people who worked as janitors, so on -- weren't contributing as much as people like me, geniuses. However, I changed my mind because they're doing an important function -
Dick: (interjects) Uh, hold on. You gotta leave...you just really...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You...this is a trick you do.
Maddox: Mhm.
Dick: You say something that's totally false, (Maddox laughs) and you're able to slam the next thought in real fast before anyone can disagree with it. I love it! I respect it.
Maddox: 'Kay. (chuckling)
Dick: As a...as a duplicitous person, I do.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But I also know you're doing it. What do you do that's better than a janitor?
Maddox: I'm a cultural critic. I'm an author, baby! That's what I do.
Dick: That's what I thought. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Keep going.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I help enlighten people. Which is probably the most important task there is, next to bein' a rocket scientist.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) I think you said it. You don't need to overexplain how important you are. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Keep going. (cracking up)
Maddox: Uh, I CAN'T overexplain how important I am. (Dick laughs to himself) So, anyway. We have all these people who do these menial jobs, and I used to think that I was above it...which I am!
Dick: (interjects) Menial... (sighs) Service industry.
Maddox: Service industry, sure!
Dick: Let's not use "menial."
Maddox: Well, some of it's menial. I've seen some...so, anyway. They're, uh, filling an important role and function that I'm not willing to do. And I used to think that those people were worthless and they're not contributing. However, they are! Because they're doing...they're doing a task and they're doing a job...
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: ...that frees up other more important and smarter people to sol-...to work on problems to get us off this planet.
Dick: "Smarter." (disdainful)
Maddox: Unlike fucking monkeys, who are sitting there eating their own SHIT. Have you even seen a monkey lately? That's all they do!
Dick: They don't eat their own...shit.
Maddox: They eat their own shit! I'll send you a video. There's a 5-minute video, it made...it almost made -
Dick: (interjects) I can send you a video of a couple GIRLS eating their own shit too. (Maddox bursts out laughing) That doesn't prove very much. So, back to the uh, the janitors thing.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Let me just present this...just one thing as evidence.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Um...not that you're ABOVE the work, but perhaps that you would instantly be fired in any of these jobs. I'm using the fan as an example in this room. Maddox has a fan in this room where -
Maddox: (interjects) Well, you could say I have a couple of fans in this room. (smiling)
Dick: Couple of fans. The one that I'm sitting directly under...where, instead of fixing the motor of the fan because the switch that turns the fan part is broken...am I explaining that correctly?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You can't pull the chain to stop the fan part.
Maddox: There is no chain.
Dick: So instead of fixing THAT, you've removed the blades from the fan. (slowly for emphasis)
Maddox: Right.
Dick: So that the motor is continuously on...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...and it's impossible to ever turn off.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: So that whoever moves in here next will have (cracks up) a fan that's on all the time.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Can you imagine if a janitor ran their job that way?
Maddox: Oh yeah. Well, you know, I don't care. That's the, that's the big...the big, uh -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you got more important things to worry about, like getting everyone off of the earth in 4 billion years. I understand.
Maddox: Yes!
Dick: I get it, I get it.
Maddox: Not 4 billion -- it's less than 4 billion. Like maybe 1 billion. Or 5,000 years, potentially. So.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: It's a ticking time bomb.
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: Alright, dude.
Dick: No, I get it!
Maddox: Yeah, that... (stammers) It's a huge problem.
Dick: I get it, I get it.
Maddox: And you idiots better vote for that shit. Alright, what's yours?
Dick: You mean...?
Maddox: The monkeys! Monkeys are a huge problem!
Dick: On our website or in the government?
Maddox: Yeah, on our website. http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
Dick: Okay, yeah.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Yeah, vote there! If you're gonna vote on that, vote on the website. Where it doesn't matter. (cracking up)
Maddox: And... (laughs) ...our government. Alright, let's hear it. What's your second?
Dick: This is my...this is my next problem. I don't know how to phrase this exactly either. I'm debating on which way to phrase this. Um, the biggest problem in the universe is...everyone needs to lose 20 pounds. (Maddox snorts and laughs)
Maddox: Alright. What about, uh...okay. Immediately you're wrong. What about anorexic people?
Dick: Uh.....I don't know.
Maddox: Oh! Okay. Question mark.
Dick: Just... (stammers) Really?? Are...do anorexic people... (searches for words)
Maddox: What? Do they what? Do they...what are you gonna say?
Dick: They don't count.
Maddox: Okay! (cracking up)
Dick: Okay?
Maddox: So should we revise your problem?
Dick: No! You know what? No!! (Maddox laughs) Because people who think...'cause people...there are people who DO need to lose 20 pounds who think they're anorexic! So everybody just...everybody needs to be engaged in the process of losing 20 pounds. People who are actually anorexic are already doin' it. GREAT. (Maddox laughs) So, nothing wrong with it! Nothing wrong with that. EVERYBODY...
Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused)
Dick: ...needs to lose 20 pounds.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know about that. Okay, why do you say...why is that...first of all, why is it even a problem? Why is that...I mean, for people who are really obese, they need to lose clearly more than 20 pounds to be healthier.
Dick: No, that's...no, but then they use that as an excuse. I'm tryin' to stay realistic here.
Maddox: 20 pounds is...I can lose 20 pounds overnight, dude! I take a shit in the morning, that's like 4 pounds right there. Are you kidding me?!
Dick: Yeah, you got 16 to go! (Maddox laughs) What else are you doin' today? How many times are you jerkin' off to lose that 16 pounds? (chuckling)
Maddox: Oh man, we can get rid of a couple ounces. (smiling)
Dick: Wow. (grossed out) Um... (Maddox laughs) Look, they're like...I think they're gonna kill the healthcare system! How 'bout that?
Maddox: They're going to kill the healthcare system? (flatly)
Dick: I can't even say that with a straight face. I don't care. (Maddox bursts out laughing)
Maddox: There we go!
Dick: I don't care about the healthcare system.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um...
Maddox: Well, no! Actually, I'm glad you brought that up! I actually AGREE with that. So, should weight be regulated? And I know...I know your stance on this.
Dick: Well, tell me.
Maddox: You're a firm ‘no.’ Yeah!
Dick: Oh yeah, of course not! No.
Maddox: I think you're a firm ‘no.’
Dick: No.
Maddox: Well, okay. So...
Dick: But I'm also a "yes" out of spite because I can't smoke and drink as much as I want.
Maddox: (groans) Ah, I was gonna get to that!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So smoking is regulated, right? Because it affects other people.
Dick: I guess.
Maddox: Well, why shouldn't...why shouldn't obesity?
Dick: It makes everyone a lot cooler. (chuckling)
Maddox: No, it doesn't make people cooler. It just makes 'em smell more.
Dick: Eh, that's true. Uh, okay. Let me get to the real reason why...
Maddox: Okay. (amused)
Dick: ...everyone needs to lose 20 pounds. Okay. The average...the average woman's weight is 156 pounds.
Maddox: For what height?
Dick: Doesn't matter. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Maddox: Of course it matters!
Dick: No, it doesn't.
Maddox: If she's 5'0", it's...
Dick: It doesn't matter.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: (excited) What is with the...everything is like a huge extreme for you! "Lose 20 pounds!" "Uh, what if you're anorexic?"
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Like, come on!
Maddox: You always look at the extremities, like on a chart, on a graph!
Dick: No, you don't! (annoyed)
Maddox: Yes!
Dick: You look at most people. It's "The Biggest Problem in the Universe," not "The Biggest Problem For A Couple People." Look -- okay. 156 pounds, right?
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Would you bang a woman that was 156 pounds? Be honest.
Maddox: Of COURSE!
Dick: Would you...would you *want* to?
Maddox: Yes!
Dick: You would?!
Maddox: Depends on...depends on her proportions, man! If I'm attracted to her, if she's got a hot face...BBW!
Dick: Are you serious?
Maddox: Yeah, sometimes! (Dick scoffs)
Dick: 156 pounds. Do you know how heavy that is?
Maddox: You think 156 pounds is f-...? Well, hold on. Is she 6'0"? 'Cause that's normal for a 6'0" woman!
Dick: I don't, I don't even understand what you're...
Maddox: A leggy, 6'0"...
Dick: What are you thinking in your mind?
Maddox: A 6-foot-tall woman? 156 pounds is pretty normal, dude! About 150 is -
Dick: (interjects) How many 6-foot-tall women have you banged?
Maddox: A couple!
Dick: How many do you run into around town?
Maddox: Uh, I would say at least 3 or 4 an hour. (both laugh) You know, a couple times a day I'll see a really tall woman.
Dick: Yeah, but the average weight for them is gonna be more than 156 pounds. Do you see what I'm saying with "average"? You understand how -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, but you also -
Dick: (interjects) You love statistics.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: You like...so you understand that the average also means the average height.
Maddox: No -- okay, but factor in the height! What is the average height?
Dick: It's like 5'4", dude. It's like 5'4" or 5'5". It's short.
Maddox: 5'4", 5'5"?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay. And...and if she's muscular -
Dick: (interjects) 156 pounds.
Maddox: Eh, you know, it's a little heavy.
Dick: Muscle?! How much muscle's..."a little heavy"? (incredulous)
Maddox: If she's muscular, that's a little...you know, that's not too heavy. But if she's NOT muscular, if she's not toned and she weighs 156 pounds, sure. That's a little heavy and she could probably stand to lose like 20 pounds to be a little bit healthier.
Dick: Imagine if she was...listen.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Imagine if she was 136 pounds.
Maddox: 'Kay.
Dick: WHOA. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Maddox: "WHOA." (mocking)
Dick: That's way better.
Maddox: Well, I mean, depends.
Dick: Imagine the motiv-...imagine...can you imagine walking around the world with...*all* women have lost 20 pounds?? (Maddox laughs) Do you know how much motiva-...look, if that happened? Guys would be building spaceships left and right!
Maddox: What are you talkin' about?! No one would be building spaceships! Everyone would be screwin' their brains out all the time!
Dick: No!! 'Cause they would make you work for it. They would make you build a spaceship. The only reason guys do anything is to get laid! They would have to work a lot more to get these...skinny girls! Right now it's kinda like, "Uhh, I guess. I don't really wanna build a spaceship. Like, what do I got to win? I'm gonna go nail some 156-pound girl outta this?" (Maddox bursts out laughing) "Come on. I don't need to get off Earth THAT bad."
Maddox: Yeah. Well, okay. You're...you've only been talking about women. Why do you think guys also need to lose, uh, 20 pounds on average?
Dick: I don't give a shit.
Maddox: Okay. (about to laugh)
Dick: About that.
Maddox: You don't care.
Dick: I just didn't wanna say...
Maddox: You just think women should.
Dick: I'm sure there's a reason!
Maddox: You didn't wanna sound SEXIST. (teasing)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's why.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: I think I succeeded.
Maddox: No... (laughs) Nope!
Dick: No, you know what? Actually, I was gonna go with both, but then I looked up...I looked up, like, a study? 'Cause I was like, "Okay, I bet fit guys make more money," and it turned out that guys who were 20 pounds overweight made like 8,000 dollars *more* than skinny guys. (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: And it's the reverse for women. I don't know why. I can't imagine why that might be.
Maddox: Oh, wait a second, that's interesting! So guys who were 20 pounds overweight made, on average, 8,000 dollars more per year?
Dick: I mean, yeah, I didn't really read it that closely, so those might not be the right numbers. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Maddox: Okay! Okay.
Dick: But...it's somethin' like that.
Maddox: No -- okay, so based on "somethin' like that," let's -
Dick: (interjects) It's the right orders of magnitude.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's...that's what I remember.
Maddox: Okay. Uh, so, you haven't quite made a strong case, or I would say ANY case -
Dick: Are you KIDDING?!
Maddox: - for why this is a problem. Why exactly again is this a problem? That women are, on average, 156 pounds.
Dick: Um... (sighs) 'Cause...don't you ever just see a girl and you're like, "Come on, man. If you were just..." (both crack up) "If you were just like 10 pounds lighter, you would be SO much hotter."
Maddox: Yeah, if I wasn't attracted to the girl then I wouldn't date them. Like, that's...that's that. And I just move on! I find someone who I AM attracted to.
Dick: Yeah, there's not enough.
Maddox: What's the problem?
Dick: There's not enough fish in the sea. That's what I'm sayin'.
Maddox: Not enough fish in the sea, huh?
Dick: Everybody's gotta be skinnier.
Maddox: Eh, I dunno, man. I think instead of...instead of expecting people -- 'cause I've dated girls before...I've dated, actually, a BUNCH of girls -
Dick: (interjects) WOW. Can we get like, a...extra-extra newsflash to that? You've dated girls before? (rimshot sound effect) (both laugh) Alright, go ahead. Go ahead.
Maddox: (giggling) I've dated girls before where I...I felt that, um, I would be way more attracted if they had lost a little bit of weight, but you can't ask them to! I mean, if you don't like someone the way they are, you gotta fuckin' move on! You can't ask them to. Um, and -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's true.
Maddox: Yeah. So I HAVE moved on. And rather than expect them to lose the weight and improve THEMselves for me, *I* improve MYself for the higher class of women that I am attracted to: the really attractive girl who's fit and funny and has a good personality. I make *myself* more attractive and attract those types of women.
Dick: (stammers) I have to ask you a serious question.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Do I sound like you sound like right now when I talk about women?
Maddox: How's that?
Dick: Like a complete douchebag? (both laugh)
Maddox: Uh, yes. I think we both in this case sound a little bit like douchebags. (Dick sighs)
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, okay, so it's a problem because...so let me recap this: it's a problem because there's not enough fish in the sea...and you're not procreating? Is that the problem?
Dick: (chuckling) No, that's not a problem. Are you crazy?
Maddox: Well, yeah... (skeptical)
Dick: Get outta here. Dude, I was at...I was at Disneyland today.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And um...the thing was like, there were more Rascals than there were not Rascals.
Maddox: Yeah. But that -- isn't that a scam? Isn't that just a scam to get on rides?
Dick: No, no no no no! It was definitely not a scam.
Maddox: To get sympathy? Won't people, like, let you cut lines if you come up with a Rascal?
Dick: No, 'cause they're all on Rascals!
Maddox: Everyone's on Rascals?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Eh, that sounds like...that sounds like it's kinda fun. You're takin' a ride to the ride. What's the problem?
Dick: Um...
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Good question.
Maddox: If you could ride a golf cart around everywhere...right? I would ride a golf cart from my bed to the bathroom if I could. And I would take forever.
Dick: Wait a minute, you CAN. You definitely can. Get a Hoveround!
Maddox: A hover?
Dick: A Hoveround.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: It's like a...it's like a scooter that you can ride around your house.
Maddox: Oh, really??
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: I would totally get one!
Dick: You can ride a scooter from your...your bed to the bathroom.
Maddox: I...when I used to live at home, I would call my mom from my bedroom in the living room to ask her to bring me some corn, or whatever. Like if I wanted a snack or something, uh -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you're so exhausted thinking about how to save the human race... (Maddox laughs) ...from extinction, that you need your thinking corn.
Maddox: Yeah... (laughs more)
Dick: As quickly as possible. (grinning)
Maddox: Need a little bit of fuel, baby! (yells) "Hey Mom!! Moooom!" She can't hear me yelling, so I gotta get on the cell phone! And then when I used to -
Dick: (interjects) You call your mom in your own house to bring you *corn*?
Maddox: I mean, you know, whatever it is I need! Maybe it's...
Dick: What else do you need? Name three things that you would ever have needed in this scenario.
Maddox: 'Kay. Corn...
Dick: (cracks up) Okay, two other things.
Maddox: Soup...
Dick: (snorts) Basic-...basically corn. Okay.
Maddox: And then, uh...you know, sometimes I...oh, my mail! Like if I got a package... (Dick laughs hysterically)
Dick: "My correspondence!" (Maddox laughs) "Mooom! Bring me my corn and my letters IMMEDIATELY."
Maddox: And my soup!
Dick: "I need my PC Magazine!"
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, what's the problem? That was when I lived downstairs -
Dick: (interjects) It's just, it's extremely bizarre! That's what the problem is. (chuckling)
Maddox: When I lived downstairs in my parents' basement, that was a big thing. 'Cause I didn't have a broom...I would sit down, my chair was so low to the ground that I wouldn't be able to reach the ceiling to...to pound on the ceiling to get Mom... (cracks up)
Dick: WHAT the HELL?! (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Why is it so weird to you?? You never asked your mom for anything?
Dick: I don't ask her with a BROOM!
Maddox: Well, you don't have a basement! You didn't have a basement growin' up, did you?
Dick: This is like...no, this is like one...one little tweak away from being, um, like the...the Addams Family! What you're describing. A weirdo in the basement who lives off of corn and mail? Hammering with a broom to attract his family to come down and feed him?
Maddox: Well... (laughs more) Well, eventually -- when you put it that way, dickhead -- eventually I got a megaphone. And that solved a lot of problems. (both laugh)
Dick: You're totally telling the truth, aren't you? You're not exaggerating this!
Maddox: (laughing) Of COURSE I'm tellin' the truth! I got it from RadioShack!
Dick: What kind of insane arms race are you...living in?! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: It was gr-...I still -
Dick: (interjects) In this basement??
Maddox: I still wish I had that megaphone! It's the great-...I can use a megaphone all the time. I find SO many uses for a megaphone. It's incredible! You've never -- so, here you are on your...on your, uh, monument of judgment, sitting there casting stones at me, yet you've never tried... (stammers) ...a megaphone, or -
Dick: (interjects) You know what? I was just about to compliment you.
Maddox: Not. (muttering)
Dick: But because you're about to keep insulting me, I'm not gonna do it. Go ahead! Keep going.
Maddox: Aww. (mocking)
Dick: About my monument of...judgment.
Maddox: Your monument of judgment, yeah. Your towering, teetering monument of judgment. (sarcastic)
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: Throwing stones at my brilliant -- okay, well, yeah! The megaphone, you have to be on board with that. Right?
Dick: No!! A megaphone?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: No, I feel like it's cheating. I feel like -- and actually, um...
Maddox: Oh. (annoyed)
Dick: No, I really feel like it's cheating. I feel like if you -
Maddox: (interjects) Says you. (chuckling derisively)
Dick: If you can't get your message out with your own natural voice, then...you just, you don't deserve to be heard.
Maddox: Hey, Dick, it IS my natural voice, just LOUDER.
Dick: No, you're...
Maddox: It's fucking awesome!
Dick: ...you're using science, it's cheating.
Maddox: Oh, okay. Well. (disdainful) You know what? It's the closest thing -- it's more close to bein' a...to havin' a superpower than driving a *car.* (cracks up) Which is what you said earlier.
Dick: Kinda is! That's true.
Maddox: Alright. Let's get to my next, uh, my next problem. Um, my second problem, second-to-last problem for the day, is...other N-words. 'Kay? So you got the N-word -
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, "other"?
Maddox: Other... (laughs) Well, you just have the one that you use. Um... (clears throat) But no, there's uh, there's other N-words. So you have the classic; it's the...it's *the* word. The N-word is the worst word. There's no other word...like, everyone...and everyone is trying to glom on -
Dick: (interjects) I'm shocked you would pick this as a problem. Go...okay.
Maddox: Uh, yeah.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Well, so there's all sorts of different words. So, I'm gonna go down this list here. I'm gonna see how many of these you can get. Have you ever heard of...the R-word? You know what 'R' stands for?
Dick: "Retarded person"?
Maddox: "Retard." Yeah, "retard"! So, um -
Dick: (interjects) Is this just a list of offensive words that people use?
Maddox: No, no, I'm gettin' to it!
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: I'm gettin' to the problem!
Dick: Nobody says "the R-word"!
Maddox: Yeah!! There's a big fucking meme goin' around on the Internet that says, "Hey, uh, do you want to use the word 'retard'?" And then there's a flowchart. It says, "Are you trying to offend somebody?" Then they say, "Use another word," and then it says "If you're NOT trying to offend somebody, use another word." So essentially they're calling for the outlaw of this word! Like, "Let's just banish this word! We're not gonna say it anymore."
Dick: No... (unsure) Uh, yeah, okay.
Maddox: I mean, yeah, it's an offensive word, of course!
Dick: Only a-holes use it.
Maddox: Only a-holes use it, I agree.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Sure! So, okay. So there's the R-word; there's -
Dick: (interjects) It...well...yeah, I use it when I'm talking to my friends, but I don't...
Maddox: Of course!
Dick: ...I don't use it, like, with people I've only met once.
Maddox: Yeah, you gotta meet 'em -
Dick: (interjects) Unless I've been drinking.
Maddox: Mmm'kay. So when you're drunk, you become an a-hole. Um...okay.
Dick: (chuckling) That's my superpower. Go ahead.
Maddox: Yep. (amused)
Dick: What's the next...what's the next word? (smiling)
Maddox: Uh, more appropriately, your stupor power. Um, so we have... (cracks up) Right? We have the C-word -
Dick: (interjects) Wow. (surly)
Maddox: Come on, "stupor power" is pretty good.
Dick: The C-word is...?
Maddox: The C-word is..."cunt." Right?
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: And people have a huge problem with the C-word!
Dick: I'm...I'm uncomfortable by it. I'll be honest with you, I don't use it.
Maddox: You're uncom-...?! Wait, here's the problem with the word "cunt"! First of all, it's not offensive to everyone! It's not even offensive in the countries of New Zealand, Britain, and Australia. It usually can -- this is from Wikipedia -
Dick: (interjects) He's got this written down!
Maddox: Yeah, of course!
Dick: Like, where...you wr-... (stammers) Go ahead, sorry.
Maddox: Yeah! So, "it can convey a positive sense of the object or person referred to." [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cunt] So there's a book called "Glue," and on page 266...it's by Irvine Welsh. He says -
Dick: (interjects) I'm sure he's thrilled to be mentioned in this context. (smiling)
Maddox: Eh, sure. It's on Wikipedia. I read this. It says, uh, "Billy can be a funny cunt, a great guy..." [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cunt#cite_note-Irvine_Welsh-8] Right?
Dick: Yeah, okay.
Maddox: So when you say that the word "cunt" is always offensive, what you're doing is you're forcing an American perspective on the world.
Dick: Okay. (protesting)
Maddox: It's offensive to Americans, sure, but it's not offensive in Australia and Britain! People say "cunt" all the time! "He's a cunt of a guy," "she's a cunt of a girl." It doesn't matter! It's not used as an insult always.
Dick: Well, here's the problem with that, Mr. Roboto.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: That...being offensive is dependent on the context you're using it in. So if someone's telling you you're being offensive for saying "cunt" a bunch of times in *America,* you're being offensive!
Maddox: Oh, but yet, there's a double standard! 'Cause we come down on Muslim societies for having burkas -
Dick: Oh my GOD!! (chuckling derisively)
Maddox: No, of course! We come down on Muslim societies. We judge their societies for having -
Dick: (interjects) For having burkas.
Maddox: For having women wear, uh, burkas and cover up and have...and like, have their traditional, uh, their customs! (Dick inhales thoughtfully) Right? We come down on them and say, "Oh, that's unfair! That's...that's so, you know, oppressive!" And yet, here we expect -
Dick: (interjects) Well, it's like, it's also kind of...dumb.
Maddox: Well, I agree.
Dick: Like, don't you wanna see what's goin' under there, man? (suggestively)
Maddox: Of COURSE I do.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Sure! Sure. BUT, the point is that you can't force your culture and perspective as a universal norm. That's what we're doing with the word "cunt." So, let's move on. Um... (Dick laughs) What about -
Dick: (interjects) No, hold on! (laughing)
Maddox: There's nothin'...what?
Dick: Okay, alright.
Maddox: Alright. The M-word. 'M'. What is the M-word?
Dick: "Magician."
Maddox: "Mormon"! Did you know "Mormon" is offensive?
Dick: What?!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: No, it's not offensive. (dismissively)
Maddox: "Mormon" is offensive!
Dick: Yeah, but if...you can...anything can be offensive if you use it in an offensive WAY.
Maddox: No, that's not true. Uh, "Mormon"..."Mormon" is a pejorative...Mormons have a problem with it because they say that you're supposed to say "Latter Day Saint," "LDS." "Latter Day Saint" is the name of the church, the belief. Right?
Dick: I...okay.
Maddox: So they say that "Mormon" is offensive! It's NOT -
Dick: (interjects) That sounds like a branding thing.
Maddox: Yeah, well...
Dick: Like, they're tryin' to be...they're tryin' to...
Maddox: I'm from Utah, man! I talk to my friends, they all get, uh, uppity if you call 'em Mormons! Um...okay. So what about -
Dick: (interjects) Uppity? (amused)
Maddox: They get uppity!
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: What about the I-word? What's 'I'?
Dick: "Indian."
Maddox: Nope! Ille-...
Dick: (interjects) (excited) No, no! Don't...
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: ...don't give this stuff away!!
Maddox: Alright, let's hear it. Yeah, yeah.
Dick: So...this is a fun game!
Maddox: Okay! Yeah, what's the I-word?
Dick: (sighs pensively) Il-..."Illegal alien."
Maddox: Close, yeah. "Illegals."
Dick: (yells over Maddox) No no!! Okay...okay.
Maddox: Yeah, alright.
Dick: Yeah, "illegals." Alright, alright.
Maddox: Yeah, "illegals." You got it. Uh, "illegals"! So there's a campaign called Colorlines, and they're trying to drop the I-word. It's the campaign to stop using the word "illegal" in the immigration discussion.
Dick: I wish we had like, a game show music for this.
Maddox: Yeeeah! That'd be...
Dick: Like, "Guess the...Guess the Offensive Word"?
Maddox: Yeah, we can dub that over. Um...okay, so "illegal" is...there's the I-word. We're not supposed to use the I-word. So are you keeping track? We got the I-word, the R-word -
Dick: (interjects) No, I'm not keepin' track.
Maddox: Okay. So, what about...the G-word? (Dick inhales thoughtfully)
Dick: Okay...
Maddox: You will NOT guess the -- you will not even *believe.*
Dick: 'G'...
Maddox: Yeah, the -
Dick: (interjects) I feel it has something to do...can I get hints in this game show? Guess the Raci-..."Guess the Epithet," is the game show that we're playing.
Maddox: "Guess the Epithet."
Dick: 'G'...
Maddox: What's...what's the G-word?
Dick: Do I get any hints in this game? Do I have lifelines?
Maddox: You get...okay, you get -- what's the lifeline? What's this shenanigans?
Dick: Well, Sean's the lifeline.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: But I need to get like, a...I need to get a 'yes or no' question from you.
Maddox: You get two 'yes or no' questions...
Dick: I get two 'yes or no' questions.
Maddox: ...and the lifeline is Sean.
Dick: And the lifeline is Sean.
Maddox: Our engineer Sean, audio engineer Sean. Yes.
Dick: And I get to ask Sean what...if he thinks what I think it is is right.
Maddox: You can just ask him what he thinks it is.
Dick: Yeah, but I don't wanna make him say words he doesn't wanna say.
Maddox: Alright. Okay. So go ahead.
Dick: G-word...
Maddox: Mhm.
Dick: (sighs) Does it...does it have to do with women? I think.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Oo man, that doesn't help. (under his breath) Um...is it a pejorative term for women?
Maddox: (pauses) Oh, it's hard to answer that! Uh, no!
Dick: It's not a pejo-...but it has to do with women...
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: ...and it's not, it's not "bossy." I know that's...you can't say that on the Internet anymore. Like, you know.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah.
Dick: Uh, okay. Sean, do you think the G-word...that has to do with women but is not a pejorative term *for* women, is g-....."gay"? (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Oh, so close. No.
Sean: I don't think it's "gay."
Maddox: No, it's not "gay."
Dick: Okay. Well, you tell the answer. (muttering)
Maddox: Alright. The answer is "girl."
Dick: WHAT?!?
Maddox: Yeah! "Girl" is now offensive! It's the G-word! And it's because the BBC -- this just recently happened -- BBC...this is a headline from dailymail.co.uk: "BBC bans the G-word." "Broadcaster Mark Beaumont, 31, joked after being hurled to the floor" -- this is during a documentary -- he was "hurled to the floor by a judo champion." He says, "I am not sure I can live that down -- being beaten by a 19-year-old girl." [ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2638404/Now-BBC-bans-G-word-Sports-reporter-joked-hed-beaten... ] Now that expression the BBC deemed was offensive, and they censored it from the documentary! "The athlete herself Cynthia Rahming left bemused," and she said, I quote: "I wasn’t offended – I didn’t find it sexist." And then -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, it is...it's like, a surprise when a girl beats up a guy.
Maddox: A 19-year-old girl beat up a 31-year-old guy.
Dick: Yeah, that's... (chuckles)
Maddox: It's surprising. Right?
Dick: ...that's a surprise!
Maddox: Yeah! So, the show -
Dick: (interjects) That's the headline. (smiling)
Maddox: Right. The show was edited and rebroadcast to remove the word. Now, there's even a feminist novelist, her name is Kathy, uh, Lette -
Dick: (interjects) Okay, but hold on. Hold on, hold on.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: We're getting off track. Your problem is, if I can summarize...what? Like, thought police? There's too many...
Maddox: Censorship.
Dick: Censorship?
Maddox: Well, yeah.
Dick: There's too many words being...? You know -
Maddox: (interjects) Everybody has a word...everybody is offended now, everybody wants to be overly sensitive, and we can't say...we're BANNING words? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah, it's thought police! That's bullshit!! You can't just banish words! But this feminist author, Kathy Lette -
Dick: (interjects) Hold on. Somebody figured out...whoever figured...whoever called it "the N-word" the first time, like, invented a really horrible thing! By letting people continually say *the word* without saying it! Like, I don't, you don't use...you don't use the term "the N-word." Right?
Maddox: When I'm insulting somebody? (cracks up)
Dick: It's just a way of...no, EVER!! Like it's not something you just say, unless you're like, "Oh, that guy said..." You know.
Maddox: "...the N-word."
Dick: The N-word!
Maddox: Right.
Dick: BUT, it's become like a TOOL for people on the news and media outlets to say the word without having to say it!
Maddox: Yeah... (unsure)
Dick: Right??
Maddox: Nah, I...you know what? When they do that, usually they try to censor the word -
Dick: (interjects) (excited) But they don't...that's not...they don't need to say it! Like, they could just say, "He...said a pejorative term."
Maddox: You know what? I just thought it in my mind...
Dick: Right??
Maddox: No, it's not the same. I just -
Dick: (interjects) WHY?
Maddox: Because that word is so loaded. It has so much power. But wait, wait. Let me get back to this, real quick. Um, this is the last thing I wanna say about this...the G-word. "Feminist novelist Kathy Lette, 55, however, said: 'If the athlete didn't find it upsetting why should the BBC mount their politically correct high horse and gallop off into the sanctimonious sunset?'"
Dick:
Yeah.
Maddox: This, from a feminist. And she's saying...even SHE wasn't offended by the G-word. And yet, here's the BBC trying to come in like some fucking white knight trying to save everyone.
Dick: So why is this a big problem? You wanna keep using swear words?
Maddox: Uh, no, this isn't a swear word...! This isn't...we're starting to just banish words? Are you kidding me? I want to be able to speak my mind freely and not have to worry about whose toes I'm always stepping on. We have the N-word, yeah. It's part of...it's part of culture and part of society. We can't get rid of it. BUT, when we start introducing these other words suddenly...I went through the alphabet, there's almost a "word" for every single letter! And the last one I wanna end on is this. And you already mentioned it earlier, but it's 'B'. You know what 'B' is.
Dick: "Bitch"? (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: No, but...
Dick: "Bae"?
Maddox: ...that is actually -
Dick: (interjects) Hold on! "Bang"? I could come up with a 'B', do NOT give...do not blurt it out.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Uh...
Maddox: But "bitch" is one of 'em, but it's not the word I'm thinking of.
Dick: "Boogers"?
Maddox: No. (cracks up)
Dick: Um...
Maddox: Okay, you got it. (smiling)
Dick: Uh, "boner"?
Maddox: Mm, nope!
Dick: Um...uh, b-... (sighs)
Maddox: You said it earlier!
Dick: I'm...uh, "bang"? No, that's already a 'no,' right?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Um...
Maddox: The B-word.
Dick: Ba-....."Babe"?
Maddox: I'm just gonna come out and say it, 'cause we're short on time.
Dick: Gimme a hint!
Maddox: You said it earlier! That's your hint!
Dick: Gimme a better hint than that.
Maddox: It's a word for...bossiness. (cracks up)
Dick: "Bitchy."
Maddox: It's "bossy"! (laughing)
Dick: Oh. Nice hint.
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Way to...way to play the game. (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: We're runnin' out of time. Let me...let me just get to this -
Dick: (interjects) We're running out of time on a podcast... (Maddox laughs) ...on an imaginary clock on a PODCAST. We don't have time to play these GAMES. I need to read my manifesto!
Maddox: Well, okay. So you mentioned earlier, "bossy." "Bossy" is the other one.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) What do you got, a "saving the earth" meeting to get to after this? Do you... (grinning)
Maddox: Oh, Jesus. I got so many...I gotta yell at my mom...
Dick: ...put your tinfoil hat on and go in the garage and...?
Maddox: With my megaphone.
Dick: Build your spaceship? (laughing)
Maddox: Eatin' corn...it's gonna be great. Okay. So "bossy," "bossy" is the other one. And I wanna play this...this uh, this clip -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but wait. Okay, dude...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...you're ge-...this is WAY too much.
Maddox: We got one more after this! You know what? Yeah.
Dick: No, hold on. Who CARES about this? So make new offensive words.
Maddox: No -
Dick: (interjects) Don't use the R-word anymore. Uh, call them "exceptionally abled." Like, "Wow! That was a really exceptionally abled thing you did today. Idiot." (both crack up)
Maddox: Hey, you just used...
Dick: And then eventu-...
Maddox: ...the other I-word. Excuse me, I take offense to that.
Dick: I'll replace that one too.
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic)
Dick: Uh, "You did an exceptionally abled thing today, MADDOX." (laughs)
Maddox: Okay. Great, thank you, Thought...thank you, Thought Police. (Dick laughs) Here's...here's the actual problem! Let me get to this.
Dick: (yelling over Maddox) Yeah, but that happens!! It happens!
Maddox: Let me get to this!
Dick: No, you're gonna play a clip, you're not listening to what I'm saying. It happens! You lose words.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm TELLING you why it's a problem! Here, listen to this clip. This is why it's a problem.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: So, this is from ABC News. Here we go. [plays ABC News clip: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TBykQXkdgxI#t=40]
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg: We are 50 percent of the population; we are 5 percent of the Fortune 500 CEOs. We are 19 percent of the U.S. Congress.
Dick: Retards?
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg: That's not enough for 50 -
Maddox: (pauses clip) No, she's talkin' about...
Dick: Is that who she's talkin' about? (grinning)
Maddox: She's talkin' about, uh, women. (cracks up) She's talkin' about women, and she's -
Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute. (still grinning)
Maddox: Okay. (apprehensively) (laughs) Bravo. Here we go. So she's talkin' about women, she's talkin' about the problem of using the word "bossy." This is, uh...what's her name, the COO of Facebook.
Dick: Okay. Now that I understand what it is, I'll sit and listen QUIETLY. (cracking up)
Maddox: Oh, thank you. (dryly) Alright. So, uh, here we go. I'll just...I'll start the clip over. Okay, so this is... (restarts clip)
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg: We are 50 percent of the population...
Dick: No, don't start it over! Start in the middle!
Maddox: There you go.
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg: ...we are 5 percent of the Fortune 500 CEOs. We are 19 percent of the U.S. Congress. That's not enough for 50 percent of the population.
Diane Sawyer: Why does it happen? (Maddox and Dick snort and laugh) She says it all comes back to "bossy."
[Maddox pauses clip]
Dick: (laughing) Did you hear the...? "WHY does it happen?" (exaggerating upward slide of Sawyer's voice) Like, she sounds like Dr. Seuss! (both giggle more)
Maddox: Well...blame ABC News! Alright, here we go. (resumes clip)
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg: I was called "bossy" when I was in 9th grade. My teacher took my best friend Mindy aside and she said, "You shouldn't be friends with Sheryl. She's bossy."
Dick: Ooo.
Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg: And that hurt!
Diane Sawyer: So she's launched the "Ban Bossy" Campaign.
[clip ends]
Dick: Ohh, wow.
Maddox: So she was called "bossy" -
Dick: (interjects) Why did she start with this?
Maddox: Okay, because I was building up to it, Dick!
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Yeah! (annoyed)
Dick: You took too long to build it up.
Maddox: Yeah, alright.
Dick: You spent too long reading your offensive words list. (smiles)
Maddox: Well, too many...you wanted to guess the fuckin' B-word after you already said it.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause that's a fun game!
Maddox: Alright. Well, there's one letter you can still guess. Okay, but "bossy" -- so, here is the problem: she's blaming cultural...she's blaming the fact that there aren't enough women on the Fortune 500 list, or female senators, on the fact that we use this one fucking word! (yelling) This one word is *oppressing* women! This is the word that's holding women back? Are you KIDDING me??
Dick: "Bossiness"?
Maddox: "Bossy"??
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: They launched a campaign to strike this word from our vocabulary! They want to ban it in schools! They don't want kids to call each other "bossy," they don't want teachers to use it. Ever! But what if a kid is bein' a little dictator shithead? 'Cause I've seen both boys and girls do that. They yell orders out at people...that's not leadership! That's not strength, that's not courage!
Dick: That's what we're callin' it now, then.
Maddox: What's that?
Dick: You can't use "bossy"; let's call it, "He's being really leader-y today." "He's being really leadership-y today."
Maddox: That's actually what they say in this...in this campaign, yeah!
Dick: Huh!
Maddox: They actually say that.
Dick: Fine! You know, here's...here's why I don't think it's a problem: because I can ruin a word faster than they can ban them. (Maddox laughs) You guys...you thought "bossy" was bad? Wait 'til the w-...I'll come up with a way more hurtful word than that!
Maddox: (clapping sound effect)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Bravo.
Dick: You KNOW I can, too.
Maddox: I know you can! That's pretty cool! (smiling) Okay, the last word...that's just part of this game. Uh, guess. It starts with 'Y'.
Dick: 'Y'. Uh...
Maddox: You'll NEVER get this. I'll give you two lifelines.
Dick: Every...every time anyone says 'Y' I immediately think 'W'.
Maddox: Yeah, well, don't.
Dick: 'Y' is...okay, does it...is it against women?
Maddox: No. One more question.
Dick: Is it against a race?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Oo, ooo. Um...Sean? Do you think the word...it's against a *race*...
Maddox: And I'll even add this: that 3 people were arrested for using this word. Or they were charged for it anyway, yeah.
Dick: A w-...I mean, I...I don't even think this is a racial term, really, but..."yellow"?
Maddox: That IS a racial term, but no, that's not the word.
Dick: Is it... (stammers) Eh, okay. Hold on.
Maddox: "Yellow" is definitely a racial term that you shouldn't...you shouldn't use.
Dick: Why? I thought it was a term for cowardice.
Maddox: Yeah, but it can also apply to a certain race.
Dick: I love that your problem is thought police and you're censoring me actively, telling me I shouldn't use a term that I don't mean in a racist way...
Maddox: Well, if you don't -
Dick: ...because it COULD be racist.
Maddox: No, you'd go ahead and use it!
Dick: Do you realize that, you friggin' hypocrite?
Maddox: You can USE it! I'm just saying, if you want to not offend people you shouldn't use it. Right.
Dick: Do you know me?
Maddox: Yeah! (laughs loudly)
Dick: Is...does that rank high on my priority list? (cracking up)
Maddox: Not at all. I, uh, I recant that.
Dick: What's the word?
Maddox: "Yid."
Dick: Oh, that's HIGHLY offensive.
Maddox: Yeah! Well, 3 people were, uh...I don't know if they were charged or arrested. It says here -
Dick: (interjects) Were they murdering someone who was Jewish while they did it?
Maddox: No, this was just during a soccer game, or "football" if you're in the U.K.
Dick: Oh yeah, okay. Yeah, I know about that law.
Maddox: Right. Yeah, they threatened arrests, and -- this was in October: "Metropolitan police warned supporters in early October that they risked warnings or arrests for using the word 'Yid,' even if it was in the context of supporting their own team." (chuckling) 'Hey, way to go, ya Yid!' Right?
Dick: Is that in there, or are you ad-libbing that?
Maddox: I just ad-libbed that. "While the..." Which I can't even imagine -
Dick: (interjects) Did you really?!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Did you really ad-lib that? (grinning)
Maddox: I just ad-libbed it! (laughs)
Dick: Did you think people needed an EXAMPLE? (giggling)
Maddox: Well, how can you possibly use it in a...in a supportive context? I can't imagine!
Dick: I noticed that, 'cause you don't read as well as you come up with stuff off the top of your head. (still laughing)
Maddox: Okay. (amused)
Dick: It's just like, "Well, there's no way that was in there."
Maddox: Well, thank you! I'll take that as a compliment. So, I can't even imagine how you could use that as a compliment. Unlike "cunt," which you can call somebody "a funny cunt." So, uh, they say it's..."'Unacceptable language' might lead to banning orders or criminal prosecution." [ http://www.dailymail.co.uk/sport/football/article-2543402/Saddened-not-surprised-Spurs-fans-trust-di... ]
Dick: Did you say you don't know how people could use that as a compliment?
Maddox: "Yid"?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, it's only ever used as an insult, I THINK.
Dick: Yeah, but the N-word's used as a compliment, isn't it?
Maddox: Uhh, no.
Dick: I mean, I don't see how, but it's like...
Maddox: No, I don't think so.
Dick: Alright, I don't get it. Alright.
Maddox: No, I don't think so.
Dick: So, thought police, thought crimes, the words; I don't think that's a big problem, dude.
Maddox: Banishing...?? Well, here this lady is making the case that women are being held back because of one fucking word. Yeah, it's a problem! If you want to start banishing these words, sure! Where do you stop?
Dick: Why is it a problem? Is it a problem because you want...you don't want women held back, or is it a problem because they'll just come up with another word to get on TV?
Maddox: They'll come up with another word. EXACTLY.
Dick: Fine! I don't care.
Maddox: Where do you...where do you draw the line?? Where do you say, "Okay, no more words, ladies. You have enough. These are the words that we've banished."
Dick: You don't!
Maddox: We can't call people "Mormons" anymore, that's offensive. Don't use the word "girl"! Don't use the word "cunt." Don't use...don't use the word "illegal." Are you kidding me?? Like, where do you draw the line?
Dick: Uh, I don't know. You don't.
Maddox: Are words...are words offensive, or are *ideas* offensive? I can give you a sentence that is more offensive than ANY word you can think of.
Dick: Really?
Maddox: Absolutely.
Dick: I can think of some offensive words.
Maddox: I can just...I mean, there's SO many offensive concepts. Like, racist thoughts -
Dick: (interjects) I just see how pissed off you are about it.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm sweating.
Dick: I wanna know why THAT is.
Maddox: I'm already sweating. I got my, uh...my angry sweat.
Dick: Like, I think...I think that YOU don't like the idea that you might accidentally say one of these words. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Maddox: I...
Dick: And that you won't know it was offensive.
Maddox: (annoyed) No! I just hate the fucking tear-fest that comes after every word. Like, "Hey..." You know what I'm tired of, is this new group coming along, wagging their fingers in my face and telling me what I should and shouldn't do. Let's hear more fucking, uh, lecturing, like they're my mothers. I already have a mother who tells me what not to do. I don't need a billion of 'em on the Internet also telling me.
Dick: (cracking up) There's not enough brooms in the world for you to handle that many moms! (Maddox laughs) THAT'S why you wanna get off the earth, by the way. To get away from your mom. I finally figured it out.
Maddox: You know, I -
Dick: (interjects) That's why you people are obsessed with getting off the earth. (grinning)
Maddox: Don't "you people" me! (yelling)
Dick: 'Cause you wanna get away from your moms.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: That's why.
Maddox: I've already -
Dick: (interjects) I don't care about...I love my mom, I don't care about getting off the earth. Sean, I don't wanna know what your opinion is on this. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, GREAT. You can stay here on the earth with your...
Dick: Okay, let's wrap up the problems.
Maddox: ...STUPID monkeys. (monkeys whooping sound effect)
Dick: I think these were all shitty problems. (Maddox snorts and laughs) Um, Tesla, the car...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...which I hate.
(brief silence)
Maddox: It's, I mean...you know what? I'll give you this: I think the drivers are smug as shit, and I wanna punch them all right in the mouth. But other than that, they're kinda cool cars.
Dick: There you go. Never...he'll never help you right away, but in the end he's a good guy.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, Everyone's Gotta Lose 20 Pounds!
Maddox: That's not true. I think, Dick, by far this might be your worst problem. (cracking up) (Dick sighs exasperatedly) Guys Asking Other Guys About Their Dogs...I mean, maybe it's a tie. Let's see -- I'm curious to see how this ranks next week.
Dick: You tell me -- wait a minute. You look at that list and you tell me, with all these problems, the one you wouldn't want...if you had one wish to fix, wouldn't be "everyone lost 20 pounds."
Maddox: Well... (skeptical)
Dick: Yes, it ABSOLUTELY would.
Maddox: That's not fair. But that's not...that's not a problem! These aren't personal gripes!
Dick: It's the BIGGEST problem in the universe. (Maddox laughs hysterically) It would...if you had to fix ONE, it would be the FIRST.
Maddox: No, it's not a thing you fix, it's a thing you *change.* You're not fixing anything, you're changing something.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) Let me...wait a minute, let me pitch this to the voters, okay? That means if you're married, your wife will instantly lose 20 pounds. Or your husband! Or whatever!
Maddox: That's unfair.
Dick: That's a good pitch!
Maddox: Okay, that is a good pitch, but that's unfair. Also, you're not fixing a problem! Again, you're only CHANGING the state of something. That's not...that's not fixing a problem.
Dick: What??
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: What's the difference?
Maddox: "Oh..." (stammers) "Oh hey, I think it's a problem that your house is red. Let's make it green."
Dick: Light it on fire!
Maddox: "There you go! Biggest problem in the universe."
Dick: Oh, well, that's...
Maddox: "Let's just solve that!" No, that's stupid! You're not doing anything, you're just changing the color! It makes no difference.
Dick: If this...go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And your problems are...
Maddox: My problems are Monkeys...
Dick: Stupid.
Maddox: They're just in the way, and you can't eat them. Uh, and my second problem was Other N-words. So everybody's got one, and they're blaming serious societal problems on them.
Dick: Oh, I think we coulda spent a lot more time on the Other N-words one.
Maddox: Other N-words is a big one, yeah. (Dick sighs) You had to dick around with monkeys. I just wanted in and out! Monkeys, here we go! Boom!
Dick: Are you listening to all the sexual stuff that he constantly says with monkeys??
Maddox: What are you talkin' about?
Dick: I had to "dick around with monkeys"? You just wanted "in and out" with monkeys? And you don't even notice you're doing it! I...it's, it's...this is the only topic I've ever heard you talk about where it's a CONSTANT stream of innuendos that you don't realize you're doing. (chuckling)
Maddox: No, Dick! (frustrated) See, YOU'RE the sick one, because it's like a child who says innocent things like, "Hey Mommy, can I...breastfeed?" And you're like, "Oh, did you hear that kid? He wants to suck his mom's tits." (stupid voice) But it's innocent coming from a child, 'cause he doesn't INTEND for it to be. You're sittin' here, like, with your PERV mind, thinkin' about monkey anus. (laughs)
Dick: Again!! Again, "monkey anus"!
Maddox: Innocent! I meant just, how beautiful it is... (breaks down laughing) Like an orangutan's...by the way, the most disgusting ass in the universe is an orangutan's. (Dick scoffs)
Dick: That you've compared monkey asses to know this is more weird monkey fetish stuff!
Maddox: Or baboons! No, it's baboons. Baboon asses are the worst! The worst asses. Like, wouldn't you love to never see a baboon's ass again?
Dick: Alright. Uh... (Maddox laughs) This has been The Biggest Problem in the Universe.
Maddox: Thank you. Uh, don't forget to vote on these on the website, http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.
Dick: And go to worstmonkeyasses.com to vote on which monkey has the worst ass in the universe. (closing riff starts)
Maddox: It's the baboon, for sure. Anyway. This is Maddox.
Dick: This is Dick Masterson. Thank you for listening.
Maddox: 'Til next time.
(closing riff)