Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 22
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyy, buddy! How's it going? Happy to be here.
Maddox: Great! And as always, Sean, our audio engineer.
Dick: Hi, Sean.
Sean: (in background) Hi!
Maddox: So, uh…Dick. Last week, we had our guest Asterios in the studio, and he brought in our third ever guest problem. Did pretty well. My problem trounced everyone else's…(cocky)
Dick: (laughing) God.
Maddox: "Anti-Vaxxers". And it's almost in the top ten already.
Dick: Well, good for you, man. (reluctant)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Good for me indeed.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: Way to appreciate your guest.
Dick: He was a great guest. Everybody loved him.
Maddox: Everybody did love him, but I do appreciate my problem more than anything else. But Asterios actually…we got a lot of praise for that episode. People really, really liked Asterios. They said that he matched our angry, frenetic energy, and yelled about as much as we did. Some people commented that it was our angriest episode yet.
Dick: You know, that's what I like about Asterios' comedy, and that's why I was excited to get him in here. He's a very funny guy, but there's always that Care Bear of hatred in him.
Dick: That you and I share…where you can just…he always posts these jokes and they're always very funny, but every once in a while…
Dick: …He'll slip one through the goalie that's not even a joke, it's just, like, a bunch of hate.
Dick: And I'm like "YES! That's how I know you're a guy!"
Maddox: Yes! Exactly.
Dick: That's how I know you're a guy.
Maddox: I know he's on the right side! Right?
Maddox: He'll mention those. He'll slip those in. I'm like "Okay, I get it. I'm reading between the lines, buddy."
Maddox: I'm on your page. 10-4.
Dick: I think he had a good time, too.
Maddox: Yeah, no. It was a really fun episode. And we…and I keep telling people in real life. I did a talk today for about three hours at this industry workshop and people were coming up and praising the podcast, and I told them that basically, when it ends, we don't stop. (laughing)
Dick: Oh, no. (smiling)
Maddox: The podcast ends, but we still bitch at each other for hours afterwards.
Dick: Well, I don't know if you remember this, but when we were talking about getting this started, I refused to argue with you anymore at lunch until we were doing a show about it. Do you remember that?
Maddox: I don't…only because we still argue at lunch.
Dick: Yeah, well, now…I'll start up with you again. I think we were fighting about Bitcoins, or something?
Dick: And I was like…you know what? This is too much work for not putting it down somewhere. Not getting it out…(mutters)
Maddox: I mean, I do this all the time regardless, but uh…you're right. Okay, so we got some comments. What do you have this week?
Dick: I got a voicemail. It's about Asterios' problem. If you want to start with that.
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Yeah. Actually, it's about all the problems. This guy…well, this guy shits on you for bringing in basically a problem that's a derivative of something you've discussed before…
Maddox: Oh, great. (sarcastic)
Dick: Which is true. He has a point.
Maddox: Monkeys?! 'Cause every problem's derivative of monkeys.
Dick: No, no, no. Well, I'll let him…I'll let him tell it.
Voicemail: Hey guys. Love what you do. My name is Mark. Dick, your problem of "Android Fanboys" as a continuation of Maddox's "iPhone problem"…it's pretty obvious that you guys are still funny…
Dick: I don't know if that's true. Continuation is like the opposite.
Maddox: Yeah, the exact opposite, actually.
Voicemail continued: Maddox, your problem of "Anti-Vaxxers" is a continuation of your other problem of "Conspiracy Dipshits", so your guest, "Boisterous Coconuts" or whatever the fuck his name was…(Maddox/Dick laughing) is the only person who actually had a real problem that episode…
Dick: Alright, did you catch that? (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, okay. What did he call him? Boisterous?
Dick: Boisterous Coconuts.
Maddox: (laughing) Boister….(laughing)
Replays voicemail: "Your guest "Boisterous Coconuts" or whatever the fuck his name was… (Maddox/Dick laughing again) is the only person who actually had a real problem that episode, so I guess he should win with Toms Shoes, which are pretty shitty, you guys are right. Keep on doing what you're doing. Love you guys.
Dick: Yeah, so.
Maddox: Hey! You're doing everything wrong. Keep on doing what you're doing!!! (grinning) What was that guy's name?
Dick: Uh, it wasn't Boisterous Coconuts.
Maddox: Boisterous co…
Dick: (interjects) I think it was Mark.
Maddox: Nah, I'm gonna call him Boisterous. Boisterous Mark.
Voicemail: "Boisterous Coconuts"? (Maddox laughs) "Boisterous Coconuts?"
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Is that a sound pull you got?
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm pulling sounds now.
Maddox: That's great.
Dick: I got a comment from Laurie Foster, as well. You remember we were talking about the transcripts?
Maddox: Yes. Laurie has been so graciously transcribing these episodes, along with Megan Pennock. Yeah. What did she say?
Dick: She says, "Thanks for the shout out, guys. J Dick, I would be happy to also read the transcript in my best phone sex voice and record it for you, if you'd like. :P"
Maddox: Oh man. You get boners for the emoticons.
Dick: Yeah, I love em. Yeah.
Dick: We gotta do that.
Dick: We have to do that. Please, Laurie…please anybody, do that. Anybody with a sexy voice who is a woman, please do that.
Maddox: Ummm, I will extend that to men. It would be just for the sake of comedy. Someone sent us a…(laughing)…we're gonna do this in a future episode, though, but a little transcript of Asterios and I nerding out about our Android phones and it did…just reading the transcript does look a little too sexy.
Maddox: So we'll be bringing that in. I got a comment from Matt Temasi. He says, " Maddox, out of all the things that make iPhones shit, I can't believe you haven't mentioned the fact that Apple has an overall fascist ideology, and that alone is enough to never buy their products."
Dick: Jeeeeeeeeeesus CHRIST!!! (yells)
Maddox: No, wh…example, Dick. (disgusted)
Dick: Like the Nazis?!? Apple is like the Nazis?!!?
Maddox: Hey! Let me finish!
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Let me finish. They BANNED my website in their stores, dickhead. They banned the Blockchain Bitcoin app soon after they patented something called "iMoney." Fuck Apple. They don't treat their customers like adults. They ban adult software. They ban adult things and they banned this Bitcoin software, now. And they've BANNED ME from their stores!!! What more is there?! You guys wouldn't even be able to listen to this podcast if you all had iPhones and went to Apple stores! They ban people! They're fascist! That's fascism!
Dick: Uhh, you can…it's not fascism. You can listen to our podcast on iTunes, though. So…go subscribe to it. I'm not talking about iPhones anymore. There's too much iPhones.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. I agree. I agree.
Dick: Too much.
Maddox: I agree. But that was a comment someone posted.
Dick: And it just HAD TO GET READ!!! (laughing)
Maddox: Subscribe on Stitcher. Subscribe on Stitcher instead. I fully support Stitcher, SoundCloud…okay, what do you got?
Dick: Here's, uh…here's another voicemail. It's actually germane to this conversation we're having right now.
Voicemail: Hey, Maddox. My name is Dominic Mizzone. You're a fucking idiot.
Dick: That's it. (laughing)
Maddox: Oh. Great. (sarcastic) Dominic? Donnic? I'm gonna say Donnic.
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: What a moron.
Dick: Well, then he goes on to, here, I'll play the rest of it.
Maddox: Oh, so there is more. Okay.
Dick: Yeah, but it's…he tried to record the podcast in the middle of being played, on like another speaker.
Dick: You can't do that.
Dick: So…(tries to play more of the voicemail and it's garbled) Yeah, I think…right?
Maddox: Yeah, that sounds like garbage.
Dick: No, no. You can't do that, man.
Maddox: Yeah. Sounds like you tried to record a drive-through, you moron.
Dick: Quit while you're ahead. Just drop the idiot and leave.
Maddox: Or just don't call. Uhhh, I got one from Ivan Sutalo. He says "iPhone users lie more about how much sex they have? Not surprised."
Dick: You got me.
Dick: Oh, I got…oh, here, actually. I'm gonna read you a very special email that I got.
Maddox: Okay. Great.
Dick: Okay? No more cheap shots.
Maddox: Oohhh, okay. (laughing)
Dick: We're done with comment cheap shots this episode, you fucking asshole.
Maddox: Oh, here we go. No more cheap shots? Alright. (laughs)
Dick: So, do you remember…I think it was about 15 episodes ago, or so, when I said that a great line is to ask a girl what her father's like. You know, just, like, throw it out there. Hey, what's your dad like?
Maddox: And I said that was a TERRIBLE idea, because there's an abusive relationship, or he's not in the picture…
Dick: Okay. But let me just say…
Sean: (interjects) He sees those things as good.
Dick: Well, I just don't see anything else. I mean, to be fair…(Sean laughing)…Anyway. A guy sends me an email:"Hey, so Dick, I used that…" This is from Butt Sanchez. (Sean laughs) I don't think that's his real name. "So I used that "What's your dad like?" line on a chick, and dude, you were absolutely right. Banged her shortly afterwards."
Dick: From…Sean. So I said, "Hey, what happened? Tell me the story." Right, so I'm doing a new…
Maddox: Ugh, dude. What are you doing, jerking off while this guy writes you the story?
Dick: Well, not yet.
Maddox: Ohhh, man.
Dick: But I'm starting a new segment today.
Maddox: Okay. (skeptical)
Dick: I'm gonna read you the email…the story that he sent me.
Dick: Here's the intro:
(Raunchy porno synthesizer theme: "The Biggest Problem in the Universe Presents: Erotic Stories from Real Men")
Dick: How do you like that? (grinning)
Dick: Alright, lemme read you this guy's story. "Alright, I know you hate long emails, but it's a story, so you gotta deal. I get a message from a girl on OkCupid. We talk for, like, a half hour. Then she's like "Well, what are you doing tonight? My parents took my kid to Florida. I've got my first night without him in years. Blablabla."
Dick: Pretty good, right? (leers)
Maddox: Is that…I love the dialogue to this porno a LOT. (Dick laughs)
Dick: "So I'm like, 'Cool. Single lonely mom who needs some young lovin'."
Dick: "She's 29 and I'm 24. But this broad is smokin' hot. A little on the chubby side…"
Dick: "But in a good way." (using sexy voice)
Dick: Chubby is fine if they've got big titties and big ass.
Maddox: And big ass. Singular.
Dick: You know. "But yeah, a couple of minutes in as I come by, she's like "If you're looking to get laid tonight, that's not happening. I'm not that easy."
Maddox: Ohhh. Oh.
Dick: So this guy's got a night ahead of him.
Dick: Yeah, sure. "So we go out to the bar. We get tipsy. Bartender's hitting on her the entire time, but it gives me a platform to spit my game. And in a way, he's my wingman without realizing it. Also, he keeps giving her free drinks, so that's less money I gotta spend." (leery voice continues)
Maddox: (chuckles) Alright. Great. This guy sounds like a real peach. A real salt of the Earth. (Dick laughs)
Dick: This is a real man, Maddox.
Dick: Real men don't have women throwing themselves at them all the time, alright, you spoiled prick?!
Maddox: (laughing) Sounds like a real desperate man. Okay, what else?
Dick: Yeah. We gotta work for it.
Dick: Go ahead.
Sean: All I heard was "Baby" and "Florida". And it's like "Yeah, that's all you need to know.", I think.
Maddox: There's just so many…
Dick: That's the real fucking world. Deal with it.
Maddox: Dude. This guy's not dating a chick. He's dating a land mine.
Dick: Oh, okay. Hold on. "So we're outside smoking a cigarette and she's like 'Oh, I'm having so much fun, but don't let that go to your head.'"
Dick: Mhmm. "So I dropped the dad line." That was my advice, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Great, Dick.
Dick: "And she starts talking about how she's adopted."
Maddox: Ohhh! Wow.
Dick: "And her initial shield starts to go down. We go back to her place and she's like 'Wanna get in the hot tub?'" (Maddox laughs) "And I'm like 'You got a hot tub? I don't have a bathing suit.'" (grinning, sexy voice)
Maddox: Ugh, what an idiot! (laughing) The answer's always "Yes", you moron!!!
Dick: "And she's like 'Let's just get in naked.'"
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: "So we bang in the hot tub. No rubber."
Dick: "Fucking awesome."
Maddox: Whaaaaaat. (disgust)
Dick: "So thank you for getting me laid with that hot MILF."
Maddox: Great. You mean the hot…
(Raunchy porno theme starts playing again)
Maddox: Oh, God. (Dick and Sean crack up)
(Music continues, "You've been listening to a presentation of "Erotic Stories From Real Men", brought to you…)
Dick: (Music cuts off) Alright. You hate that.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: No. I think it's hilarious.
Dick: So that's good ADVICE!!
Maddox: No, dude! He banged a single mom!!! She's already had…popped a kid out. Who knows how many guys she's lured into that hot tub babymaking cesspool of hers…
Dick: The point is, my advice works. True or false?
Dick: True or false?!!?
Maddox: Yeah, but…
Maddox: You don't want…okay, Dick. Fine. Alright? If that's the quality of…you know, you're picking up the fruit that's fallen off the tree.
Dick: (laughing) STILL DELICIOUS!! (yelling) Still delicious fruit!
Maddox: Mmmmmmm…it's a little bit off. It's a little bit off.
Dick: Oh, man. (laughing) Mister Supermodels over here.
Maddox: Single mom!? Come on!!
Dick: You wouldn't date a single mom!?
Maddox: Uhh….that's a…I don't know, man.
Dick: You wouldn't?
Maddox: I've considered it a few times. I've considered it a few times. But I'm not ready to be a father, man. Get out of here! Are you…oh, I know you are! Your fucking ovaries ache for that shit, but not me, man!
Dick: Well, I'm just sayin'!
Maddox: Yeah, I KNOW you're just sayin', Dick! I know you're just sayin'!
Dick: I don't know. No rubber, hot tub? No rubber? That sounds like a good night. All thanks to me.
Maddox: Dick, you…this is like…a…every single bad decision is just being compounded here. She's a single mom. It's in Florida. No rubber. The bartender's buying her drinks all night. (Dick laughs) And she sounds like a real…like, this guy's a moron, too. Like, (silly voice) "Oh, well, I don't have a bathing suit…what do I do? Well, I forgot my underwear. What if I take my pants off?"
Dick: How…how dare you say that about my friend Butt Sanchez?! (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Sorry, Butt Sanchez. Okay.
Dick: You ready for a problem?
Maddox: Yeah, let's get to the problems. Oh, but before we do, we have a quick announcement to make. So, because a lot of people have commented in the comments about advertisements versus bonus episodes, we've decided to do both. We want to offer a bonus episode that's a little bit different than the problems we normally bring in, but it's still similar to the show, because we don't want people to have a separate set of problems to vote on for pay episodes and whatnot, so we're going to be…we're just announcing that. It's coming soon. I think you guys will be really excited about it. It's something Dick and I are super excited about.
Dick: Yeah. I love doing this show. If we can sell a bonus episode and make some more money to do the show with, that would be just really fucking awesome.
Maddox: You betcha. Alright, what's your problem?
Dick: My problem iss………."California Drought Dickbags".
Maddox: Oh. (Sean laughs) Okay. If I…if it's going where I think it is, I'm 100% on board, Dick. What is it?
Dick: I think…I think you'll be 100% on board with this. I really do.
Dick: And I brought in a shitload of stats.
Dick: So you'd better get a clean pair of underwear.
Maddox: Oh man. I can't wait.
Dick: Okay. So, uhh…this is why it happened. And keep in mind, if you live in LA, if you live in California…every asshole you know will talk to you about the drought whenever they want.
Dick: It's..(stammering) It's everybody's crusade out here. They just want to remind you.
Dick: It's as if seatbelts were just invented and everybody is just reminding you to buckle up. It's just "save water, save water, save water."
Dick: So, ummm…I was at this party with my…that guy that I brought back from Burning Man.
Dick: My man.
Maddox: Dick, you gotta mention…you can't just, like, gloss over something like that. This is a big nugget of information our listeners need to know about.
Dick: Okay, so. You know how…I brought a man back from Burning Man…(Maddox laughs) who saved me from getting chlamydia, by the way.
Dick: This is the story I was eluding to last week.
Sean: He didn't rape you?
Dick: No, no, shut up, Sean. (Maddox cracks up) So I was at Burning Man and I meet this guy. He's a hell of a guy. Nice guy, right?
Dick: And his life isn't going…he lives in Oklahoma, he's from Oklahoma, and his life isn't going like he wants it to be.
Maddox: Mmhmm. (skeptical)
Dick: Uh, he just found out that his girlfriend is cheating on him with, like, three guys.
Maddox: Yeah. (trying not to laugh)
Maddox: One of whom was his best friend.
Dick: One of them was his best friend from when he was a kid.
Maddox: Still is.
Dick: Still is. Yeah, I don't get that, but some guys…
Maddox: These are the guys you're advising, Dick! These are the guys who are taking advice from you, and look at their lives!
Dick: These guys need my advice!
Maddox: (laughing) No, they don't! You're the LAST person who should be giving anyone advice, let alone people who are broken!
Dick: No, no, wait a minute, why? Explain that! 'Cause I totally disagree with you.
Maddox: Oh, my…Well, Dick, first of all, your advice is chaotic. You always tend towards…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!
Maddox: So, I have a group of friends who I trust. And you're one of them, because you're consistent!
Maddox: Your opinions, your advice, are consistently bad! Like, I know you're always gonna give me the suggestion that is going to tend towards the most chaos, the most mischief, and the most fun. That's what you do, Dick! (grinning) And that's the same advice you're giving to Butt Sanchez. Poor Butt Sanchez.
Dick: That's what these guys need! Okay?!
Maddox: (laughing) They don't need that.
Dick: They need to mix things up. Every once in a while, you gotta do a pattern break with your life…
Dick: And do the complete…the most ridiculous thing you can think of.
Maddox: Alright Dick, I'll bite.
Dick: And in this case, it was "Look, dude." I was like "Don't go back to Oklahoma. Just come to LA. Come live in LA with me. Get a job in LA."
Maddox: (laughing) Sure! Yeah.
Dick: Fuck your ex-girlfriend! You show her who's cool and who's living in LA!!!
Dick: Getting shitfaced and living with me! That sounds awesome, right?
Dick: And the next day, he was like, "Was that you? Or was that the drugs talking?" and I was like, "That was fuckin' me! Come live with me. You're my man now." (Maddox laughing) You know, like…like…what is his name…Rayce Banyon? What was his name, in Johnny Quest, that, like, bodyguard that just, like, lived with them?
Dick: And it's like what…what is it, what do you, pay him? No! He just lives there. And takes care of stuff.
Maddox: Okay. Alright.
Dick: So that's this guy.
Maddox: So you brought home a dude from Burning Man.
Dick: Well, but he saved from getting chlamydia, and not by not banging me either, Sean.
Maddox: Yeah, but he…you avoided chlamydia, but then you brought home something worse. A live-in guest who just, like, hangs out all the time. (laughing)
Dick: That's fun, man.
Maddox: Okay. Alright.
Dick: Like a guy, to have some funny conversations with.
Maddox: Mhmm. (laughing) I bet you guys had some funny conversations.
Dick: Yeah! Just a cool guy to hang around with. What's wrong with that? Like Bert and fuckin' Ernie over there. (Maddox giggles) Look, a guy saves you from getting chlamydia, and you own him.
Maddox: Alright. I mean, you…no one forced you to have sex with someone who had chlamydia, which, of course, everyone at Burning Man does!
Dick: Well, I didn't know that!
Maddox: Yeah. Mr. No Condom, over here.
Dick: That's what…that's how he saved me. So, he saw me going with this, like, little raver slut, out into the…sorry. I think that's what they want to look like, though.
Dick: Like, they dress, like, as provocatively as possible.
Dick: I don't think that's a pejorative, is it? They look like crazy little raver sluts. Whatever. I'm going out into the desert to bang one, and my man says, "Hey, take some condoms." Right? As a joke. Because he happened to bring a shit…he happened to bring 1000 condoms to Burning Man.
Maddox: He brought a suitcase of condoms to Burning Man.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. 'Cause there was a mistake at work. So he brought a bunch of condoms out. So she…I say "Eff you." She takes them. And I'm like "Oh great, buddy. You just screwed me on this, didn't you? Now I'm gonna have to power my way through this fucking condom." It all works, right?
Dick: I get back. On a Saturday night, at like midnight. I get a call from this girl saying "Hey, umm…you might want to get yourself checked out, because I got chlamydia."
Maddox: Oh mannnn.
Dick: And I was like "Ohhhhhh!" I started laughing, 'cause it's gross, and it's happened to me before, so it's like "Oh, it's funny." Go ahead, what?
Maddox: Sean and I just looked at each other, like we just bit into a bad burger.
Dick: (laughs) WHY?!? What's the big deal?!
Maddox: 'Cause you're banging chicks who have chlamydia. Don't you worry about that shit? I mean, even if you have a condom on, it can still get to you.
Dick: Well yeah, but what is it gonna do? It's not even harmful for guys.
Maddox: I don't…I don't know.
Dick: No, it doesn't do…it only hurts women.
Maddox: You…you don't want chlamydia, Dick.
Dick: You can easily fix it though, Maddox!
Maddox: Well, you know, you can avoid it more easily than getting it and then fixing it.
Dick: By what?
Maddox: By not…by having sex with condoms! How about that?
Dick: Well, thanks to my man, I did!
Maddox: Yeah. Why do you keep calling him your man? (scoffs) I get this imagery of you just, like, farting out condoms while he's over at your place in the morning. (Sean cracks up) (laughs) Oh, my man. My man.
Dick: Anyway. (Maddox and Sean laugh) I was at a party with my man.
Maddox: Yeah. (still laughing)
Dick: And he's being a nice guy. And he's washing dishes at this party. He's washing his dish that he was eating some stuff on.
Maddox: Nice of him.
Dick: Yeah, it is nice. He's a nice guy.
Maddox: He's a nice guy.
Dick: Nice guy.
Dick: Turns around to grab someone else's dish, 'cause it just happened to be sitting there. As he turns around, the faucet is running.
Maddox: Oh, Jesus.
Dick: This fucking dickbag walks over, and goes, "Hey man, don't you know there's a drought?"
Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaahhhhh. (annoyed)
Dick: And MY jaw hit the fucking floor. I felt like I had just…I felt like I had just watched someone walk out of a supermarket as, like, the millionth customer…
Dick: …And I was the next customer, and I was like "Fuck, that could have been me."
Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause then they cock the gun, and you can fire.
Maddox: I get it.
Dick: Because if they go from zero to insulting you…
Dick: You can't possibly…you can't do anything!
Dick: You can't even make up for it. Because you can't go from…you can't do an infinity increase from 1. You know what I mean?
Maddox: No. (laughing)
Dick: That logic makes sense to you, right? The…right?
Maddox: I think so. I think we're on the same page. You WANT them to insult you so that you have ample opportunity and reason for rebuttal. Is that right?
Dick: Look. I'm just saying, if you are so unconscionably rude to me…
Dick: I can say anything I want.
Dick: Because I didn't start it.
Maddox: No, I agree. We're on the same page here.
Dick: Right. Yes. Okay. So, whatever. Uhh, my man doesn't say anything, 'cause he's a good guy. He's at someone else's house. He doesn't want to cause problems. He doesn't want to get kicked out. Whatever. But I was imagining…what if it was me? Why do I have such a problem with these dickbags?
Dick: Right? Because I don't think their…I don't think their crusade is doing jack shit.
Maddox: It's not.
Dick: Like, I'm like…with this guy, like, what is this, your water? Did you pay for this fuckin' water? Do you throw in for the bills here? Are these your dishes? Fuck you!! You don't have any say in this, so why, in your brain do you think you do?
Maddox: No, no, no, Dick. It's not about that. Their logic is this. Right? It's a non-renewable resource that they…this is their words. Their claim. It's a non-renewable resource. Oh man, I'm so fuckin' fired up about this. I have argued with so many of these, like, fuckin' water zealots. That's what they are, they're water zealots. And they turn off the water in between the time it takes to lather your hands and then put it under the sink again. They'll turn it off! You know how many…so, I argued with a friend of mine to the point where I tenured our friendship and said to her…(laughing) I said…she came back with a statistic that said "You waste up to 1.6 gallons of water for every minute you leave the tap running." And then I thought, "Wow, that's a lot less than I even imagined! Than I even expected!" So, if you leave the water running for an entire minute while you wash your hands, that's only 1.6 gallons, right?
Dick: That's nothing.
Maddox: It's nothing. It's a drop in the bucket. People, you don't even use enough water to make a difference. (riled up) If you completely stopped existing…and by the way, if you have such a fucking problem with this drought, move out of California, dickhead, no one's forcing you to live in the desert, where it's unsustainable. You're living here just like everyone else!!!!!
Maddox: You can do more to save water and you're not doing it, fucko!!!
Dick: Yeah. Move to…move to Minnesota.
Dick: Move to Indiana.
Maddox: Fuck off in Minnesota.
Dick: They have shitloads of water there.
Maddox: Right. Shitloads of water and nothing else! You know what they need? More of you deadbeats. Get out of here.
Dick: Well, you know what it is? And it's all over California now. Like, it's on our freeway signs.
Dick: It says, "Don't be a fuckhead, save water."
Dick: Like, you're always, ALWAYS fucking up! It's just an excuse for everybody to act like an authoritarian dick to you…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah.
Dick: …All the fuckin' time. Because you can't EVER possibly do enough to save water.
Maddox: Right! Right. And that's the thing that's mind-boggling, Dick. Here's the thing. I get bitched at for running the tap a little bit longer than I should, or whatever…but the thing is, I GUARANTEE I use less water than most of these zealots! I guaran-fucking-tee it! First of all, I take cold showers. That means the water heater doesn't have to heat up gallons of water for me.
Maddox: I brush my teeth twice a day, I do laundry twice a month, and these people…they, they…I don't even use dishes! Most of the food I eat are just hand foods!
Dick: I guarantee you that I use 100 times more water than you. (Maddox laughs) So what's the fuckin' point?
Dick: I'm NEVER gonna stop. I'm NEVER gonna conserve a single fucking gallon of water and I will get to why. 'Cause I have a shitload of actual stats today. Not fuck-around stats.
Maddox: I would love to hear it. Let's hear it.
Dick: Alright. Ummmmmmmm, so. I picked up the man. Here we go. My next problem with it is that it's all about these tattling apps. Have you seen these…these tattletale apps?
Maddox: No. What are these?
Dick: Oh, dude. Yeah, I'm just setting the stage for what this problem is. There are apps on your phone that let you report your neighbors…
Maddox: (interjects) Wow….
Dick: …directly to the fuckin' government.
Dick: Because people are getting fined for this shit now.
Dick: People are getting fined, like 50 bucks, 500 bucks, whatever. I think it's 500 bucks in LA. It's like, 50$ in San Diego or something like that.
Maddox: Well that's…that's one of the few ways you can actually try…you can actually save on water, is by going to a big…telling somebody to start watering their lawn. If you really cared that much, you'd have to get in their face about it.
Dick: Telling someone, yes. Reporting it to the fucking government? No! Because THAT'S 1984! Do you remember a dystopian, hellish future?
Maddox: Sure. Yeah.
Dick: Where there's no line between government, media, and neighbor?!?! That's what you're doing!!!!
Maddox: I agree.
Dick: You're being a part of that system.
Dick: And that's…that's what really pisses me off. Like, deep down, it's not the hypocrisy of this, which I'll get to…it's that it's playing on everyone's fucking vanity and their need to be an authority on something that makes them behave like total fucking assholes!
Maddox: Right. As if their shit doesn't smell. As if they can't do more to cut down on water. Here's the thing. Here's my one question I want to ask every single one of these water conservation dickheads. Could you do more to save more water? Right? The answer is always yes.
Maddox: So, if you can do more, worry about you and I'll worry about me! (yells) Okay?
Dick: And it's worse than that. Uhhh, my buddy comes over. I walk into the bathroom and I find that my toilet is full of piss.
Maddox: (scoffs) Great.
Dick: So I come back out and I said…"Uh, excuse me. Are you aware that you've left a bunch of a piss in the bathroom without pressing this little lever I have on my toilet that will get it the FUCK out of my apartment?
Dick: And he's like "Well, you know, if it's yellow, let it mellow."
Dick: So I said, "Get the fuck outta here, dude."
Maddox: Get the fuck out of my apartment. (laughing)
Dick: I'm not sitting around in acrid piss.
Dick: To do what? He's like, "Well, to conserve." You know, the big question mark, to conserve.
Dick: So, I looked it up. I looked it up, right?
Dick: Here's the stats. Um…water reduction.
Dick: It's been from anywhere to about 10% across the board for, like, residences, for like, California residences, because of all this bullshit. 10%.
Dick: You know how much percentage of water we use in California as residences?
Maddox: What percent?
Dick: Okay. Urban use in California is 20%. 20% of the total water use in California is used by…
Maddox: (interjects) Is urban use! Exactly.
Dick: People. People.
Maddox: It's industrial. Industrial use.
Dick: No, no, no, no, no. 75% is used by agriculture. (incredulous)
Dick: 10% of our water is used by almond farmers.
Dick: Okay? So…so…lemme get this straight! (yelling) I'm sitting around my apartment soaked in piss, now. People are replacing their lawns with PLASTIC grass that gets shit on by animals and stays there forever.
Dick: Everything looks like a dystopian hellhole so the world can have ALMONDS?!?
Dick: FUCK almonds! I am not reducing my water footprint ONE FUCKING GALLON while everybody is sitting in their pools all over the world munching on California almonds.
Dick: Fuck you! It's not my problem! You know what else it's for? Uh, what does this say. Alfalfa, I think? It's not almonds.
Maddox: Yeah. It's mostly agriculture.
Dick: Alfalfa hay. Is 15% of the water supply! That we ship to Japan!
Maddox: Right. Right. It's agriculture. It's industry. That's what I keep telling people, especially…not just with water, but with recycling. Um, if every single…I read this statistic somewhere a long time ago, where if every single American recycled 100% efficiently. We're not even anywhere close to that. Most people are less than 40%. Right? But if we did 100%...guess what percentage of waste we would reduce completely?
Dick: 5%. Great.
Maddox: FIVE PERCENT. (incredulous) We're not even anywhere near that. At 40% efficiency, we're like 2% waste. That 5% is nothing, idiots! It's a drop in the bucket! Similar to these drops of water you're saving here and there! We don't use enough water to make a difference. A water main broke in West Hollywood.
Maddox: Yeah. UCLA.
Dick: 10 million gallons.
Maddox: Yeah. 10 million gallons. And then another something like 60 million gallons broke in West Hollywood just a few weeks ago!
Maddox: And I saw that! I saw that happen, because I saw a leak in the ground that they never fixed. They just put CONES up. And of course, it's just deteriorating, the ground underneath and it's gonna create a giant sinkhole and the water main's gonna break, and millions of millions of gallons…I think it's more than 10 million, too, Dick. I believe it's upwards of 100 million. It's a ridiculous absurd amount of water.
Dick: So this is the cut, right? Imagine you have 100$ bar tab.
Dick: At the end of the night. Right? It's 100$. You say, "Oh, okay. Who's gonna pony up to pay for this bill?"
Dick: Uhh…agriculture comes in and says, "Oh, we'll take 75 bucks off the tab." Right?
Maddox: Okay. That's fair.
Dick: So that gives you 25% left over. Right?
Dick: Um, 20% of that is used for toilets. 20% of that is used for showers.
Dick: 20% for leaks. And like 40% for yards.
Dick: So…not flushing the toilet, we've reduced 10% out of 20…we've reduced our usage by 2% overall?
Dick: We're fuckin' fighting…we're being assholes to each other…we're narcing on our neighbors for 500$ over what amounts to a couple of dollars on a hundred dollar bar tab?!?!? Fuck you, man!
Dick: Fuck "Drought Dickbags".
Maddox: Yeah. Fuck "Drought Dickbags". I agree, Dick. That's a great problem this week. And, you know, these…so let's say we collectively save this water, this whatever, 2%, or whatever. What is…what is the end result here? Okay? If you calculate the total number of gallons you save in a day just by being an asshole and shutting off the faucet obsessively and freaking out about that shit, and just…you know, building up this FRENZY that you built in your life, like just being NERVOUS about everything all the time, right?
Maddox: Let's say you do that. At the end of the day, the only way that would POSSIBLY make any fucking sense…(yelling) is in this doomsday scenario where someone, somewhere in the desert opens a faucet and it's running dry and just a few drops of water come out into his cup, and it's those few drops of water that you saved, dickbag! That's you. You just saved that guy's life. That's a fucking INSANE made-up scenario! Your few drops aren't gonna make a fucking difference! Whatever water is on Earth will always be here. It's the same water we've been drinking for centuries and decades! It's the same fucking water. It's just gonna evaporate and go up into the sky and come right back down! And if it doesn't come down over California, guess what, guys? Climate change! We've gotta move! Yeah. Humans adapt and the Earth's climate changes. We've had Ice Ages. We've had hotspots. We've had deserts. The Earth doesn't stay the same. If we go through this loooooooong period of drought and it never starts to rain again like it normally does, well, pack up your bags, gotta move!
Dick: No. Build a pipe! You figured out how to do it with oil. Why don't you build a fucking pipeline from wherever there's water and bring it out here, 'cause we're not the ones using it. It's people growing almonds!
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: The real-life scenario is not that we're all gonna die of dehydration, it's that these motherfuckers can't sell almonds. We supply like 80% of the world's almonds.
Dick: So, California just doesn't wanna lose all that big almond money.
Maddox: Oh, so economically speaking, Dick, that is a pretty significant chunk of California's revenue and income, is agriculture. Almonds…over 80%. That's an actual statistic I just learned, too, recently. I think it's like 80% of the world's almonds come from California.
Dick: Yeah. I just said it.
Dick: You just learned it from me, right now.
Maddox: (laughing) No, I heard it before that, Dick.
Dick: You just learned it from me.
Maddox: Dick! I didn't learn it from you!! You're not the source, okay?! (angry)
Dick: Yeah, alright.
Maddox: Anyway, anyway. Over 50% of the agriculture for the entire United States comes from California. So….
Dick: That's not my fuckin' problem.
Maddox: Well, then what? What do we do, Dick? If… I mean, that's a significant amount of food that comes from California.
Dick: Charge more for the water, then.
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: I don't know. I don't care.
Dick: Build…use all your fuckin' almond money and go build a desalination plant.
Dick: Not my problem.
Dick: I take 90-minute showers. I need it. I'm hung over. (Maddox laughs) I need the fuckin' noise. I need the steam. I don't give a fuck about almonds!
Maddox: Ughh. Your shower sounds awful, with the rancid piss just sitting there and your steamy 90-minute showers.
Dick: Don't forget the maybe chlamydia.
Maddox: And the maybe chlamydia. And the fart condoms. Yeah, great problem, Dick. Do you have any more stats? You said you have more stats.
Dick: I dunno. I write 'em down and then I, uh…I lose track of 'em.
Maddox: Yeah. So. That's what pisses me off, Dick. It's not just…anyone who has any kind of, like, moral crusade like this, where they say "Hey, you could be doing more." You know what, dickhead? We could all be doing more always. If you really, really care about water conservation, commit suicide.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Honestly, that is the best way. The NUMBER ONE way to conserve water is to commit suicide. And in a way where they won't find your body, so they don't waste any time, energy, and resources at the funeral, 'cause I guarantee they're gonna be handing out tap water at your funeral. Well God forbid they do that. You'd better kill yourself in a ravine where they won't find you. Make sure the animals get you first.
Dick: Here's a…
Maddox: (interjects) Hey, there you go. There's recycling.
Dick: Here's a fun stat for you.
Dick: The biggest water wasters in California. They're all council members.
Maddox: Ahhh, of course!
Dick: They all used about 10 times the normal usage. This guy, Mike Sobeiros, used a million gallons…3,000 gallons each day.
Dick: He told this news team that to cut back on his sprinkler use would mean that his expensive lawn would almost immediately turn brown.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Sean: It's always those guys. Remember when Al Gore's monthly electric bill was published? It was like 17,000$ per month.
Maddox: Wowwwwwww. (incredulous)
Dick: Yeah! Doesn't this…doesn't this tell these…(stammers) but I don't understand what gets…strike that. I do understand what gets in their brain. They just want to be a big shot. Like this asshole that told off my man at the party. They just want to act like a big shot. Like they're an authority on somebody and on something, and that's what they get served up on this platter.
Dick: Here! Here, you be…you be this…you make a difference!
Dick: And go harass people about their fuckin' water usage. You make a difference!
Maddox: You know, if I had to title these people, if I had to give them a name, I would call them "You know, actually…" Right? That is their fucking name! (yells) You know, actually…that's bad for you. You know, actually…that's wasting water. You could do better. You could conserve more. It's just like "Nya nya nya nya" (nagging voice) Nagging. All the fucking time. It's just like having a mom follow you around to fuckin' parties and tell you to do better. Like, fuck off, that's why I moved out of the house, so I can be my failure self on my own. (laughing)
Dick: Yeah. Here's a good quote from a guy. "We're cutting back on showering and watering our lawn, so it looks crappy right now." Said Gerald Jackass, an East Palo Alto resident, who is determined not to waste water during the drought. So we're all sitting around not showering, steeped in ceramic bowls of our own piss…
Maddox: Hey…hey, Dick. Speaking of not showering, my first problem and only problem this week is "Hippies".
Dick: (scoffs) Okay.
Maddox: Speeeeeaking…oh, Sean's happy. (grinning) Here we go. Speaking of not showering. I am so fucking tired…'cause here's the thing. A lot of what you said today IS the hippie ethos. Right? Hippies are supposed to be the Earth's caretakers. (sarcastic) Right?
Dick: Are they?
Maddox: Yeah…are they? Good question.
Dick: Well, I'll let you define what a hippie is.
Maddox: So, there's a website…there's a website called Wikihow, and they have a list on there that says "How to be a Hippie". Okay? And here's…I'm gonna read some of these rules. Number 1, the first rule is, "Feel groovy". Okay?
Maddox: You gotta feel groovy. Second rule is "Play it Forward". "Being a hippie is all about openness and embracing what's good, as long as you can dance to it."
Dick: (laughs quietly) Okay.
Maddox: Bunch of assholes. Yeah, yeah. Tell that to a guy in a wheelchair, dickhead! Who came back from Vietnam!
Dick: (laughing) Yeah, alright.
Maddox: Yeah. Three: "Get counter-cultured". "Learn how to howl". Uh-huh.
Dick: You have to learn how to do that?
Maddox: I guess. I guess you need to learn from our teachers, you know, wolves. Packs of wolves.
Maddox: Idiots. Number Four: "Follow hippie ideals". "Contribute as little to pollution as possible. Hippies love Mother Earth and do all they can to keep it well. Learn to barter. Trade or barter rather than use money." Barter. Barter.
Dick: So avoid paying taxes?
Maddox: I guess. No, you don't pay taxes on turnips, Dick.
Dick: Well you don't pay taxes on bartering.
Dick: If you can successfully barter, you don't have to pay shit in taxes.
Maddox: Right. There's no taxes on combs and turnips and paper clips, or whatever the fuck these hippies are bartering. Can you imagine if Wall Street decided to go off the barter system? "Hey, I'll trade you a sack of potatoes for a couple shares in Disney, I guess." Oh, here you go buddy. You know what? No contract necessary, friend. (laughing) Yeah. So, if they bartered on Wall Street. (starts to yell) The economy would come to a grinding halt if hippies were in charge of it!!
Maddox: China would invade us today.
Maddox: If hippies took over our economy.
Dick: I don't think they care about that.
Maddox: No, they don't care about anything. Number Five: "Get the Clothes". Right? Now, here's something that really pisses me off. According to Britannica; I actually went to Britannica instead of just Wikipedia. The old school encyclopedia. One of the…
Dick: (interjects) Did you have to load up, like Internet Explorer 3 to do that? (Sean laughs)
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah. Here's some of the characteristics of hippies. Right? Long hair. So I'm out. I'm mostly bald.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: I can't…I can't fucking be a hippie if I wanted to. I can't grow my hair long, idiots. Oh, you got…they're fucking discriminatory, that's what this is.
Dick: Well, yeah it is. It is discriminatory, 'cause they do also think that their way of thinking solves everything.
Maddox: Oh, of course. Of course they do.
Dick: It's very…what's the word when you're like ideologically obsessed? Like, you think your way of doing everything is the right way?
Maddox: Fascism. (Dick scoffs, laughs) They promote openness and tolerance as alternatives to the restrictions and regimentation in the middle class society. And yet, Number Four…excuse me, Number Five on this list is "Get the Clothes". Because…sounds like a real open lifestyle when you have to wear a uniform.
Dick: Yeah. (cracks up)
Maddox: Right? These fucking hippies are so open and anti-establishment, yet you have to wear a uniform.
Maddox: 'Cause if you don't LOOK like a hippie, then you're not a hippie! (exclaims) You gotta wear…you gotta dress the code, right? You gotta fit in. You gotta conform.
Maddox: Tell me all about your anti-establishment views while you're making all your followers conform to your ethos, you fuck!
Dick: Yeah. You mind if I interject something for a second?
Dick: Um, I hate to mention Burning Man again.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Speaking of hippies. (laughing) Let's hear it.
Dick: No, I'll get to that. But they threw the biggest shit fit when Grover Norq…when they found that Grover Norquist was going to Burning Man.
Maddox: He was like an old governor of California or something?
Dick: He's like a…no, he's like a libertarian-ish financial advisor, like, director…he just…he comes up with ways that the market should sustain society. Right?
Dick: So, because he has anything to do with money, they just hate him. Because he wears a suit every day.
Dick: And, like, deals with Wall Street. And, like, values money.
Dick: There was this outpouring of snark and vitriol. It was really disgusting.
Maddox: Yeah. They're all about individual freedoms and individual choices. Live your life how you want, mannnn. (hippie voice) Be groovy, MAN. Except, if you want to wear a suit, MAN. 'Cause you can't fucking grow out your hair and live like a fucking hippie! You have to dress the uniform!
Maddox: You can't look like a square, supposedly, and still fit in to your fucking hippie bullshit lifestyle? How fucking tolerant are you if you're rejecting all these people, MAN. (sneers) Number Six on this list. Listen to this. "Make the world better. Stand against anti-life things." So I guess hippies are anti-abortion, right? They say stand against things that are anti-life.
Maddox: So they must be anti-abortion.
Maddox: Sure. Free love, fuck it. Someone'll pay for it, right? Number seven. "Let your freak flag fly. Grow your hair out, again." Again. Some of us can't. (Dick giggles quietly) Number Eight: "Go GMO-free". "If the ingredients look confusing to your eyes, then they're not healthy." (Dick cackles) Uh-huh. Uh-huh. If it's confusing, then we should FEAR it. If it's something we don't understand, we should fear it.
Dick: Oh, that's true.
Maddox: They're going back into caves, these guys. Right? They're afraid of lightning and thunder. They don't know what it is!! Let's go hide in caves. It can't be good for you. Number nine: "Go to farmer's markets". Going to farmer's markets is also a hippie thing. No, it's not. Farmers aren't hippies. Farmers toil under the hot sun in fields all day long to bring you that food to the farmer's market. Just because you can buy beads and trinkets there that some hippies found a way into finagling some poor guy out of a…out of a booth…doesn't mean that farmer's markets are hippie joints.
Dick: Well, it also means you have to be rich. So you not only have to be rich, but you also have to not look like you're rich.
Dick: It's very vanity…it's a very vanity-obsessed culture.
Maddox: Yeah. Be rich.
Dick: And you always have to say the right things and think the right things.
Maddox: Of course. Of course. And then number ten on this list is: "Study chakras".
Dick: Oh, man. (disgusted) They always sneak that one in.
Maddox: Of course. Study chakras. (laughing) There it is. You gotta have a religious element to it. Don't be Christian. Don't be Muslim. That's not cool.
Dick: 'Cause those are stupid! (jeers jokingly)
Maddox: Those are stupid. Don't be Jewish. (jeers)
Dick: But you do have seven magical cruxes in your body that govern your future.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh. (skeptical) Christianity is so un-hip, man. (Dick laughs) Jews are out. Muslims, boo. Chakras, in. Yay! Astrology. Now, here are the characteristics. Here are some more of the characteristics. According to…
Dick: (interjects) I don't know if this governs all hippies, by the way. But I…that…the look…not having the look seems to be a big part of it.
Maddox: Mhmm. And here's…again, it's more about the aesthetic here. "Casual unconventional dress, including tie-dye and psychedelic colors". And I put psychedelic in quotes here, because who the fuck knows what that is.
Maddox: Long, flowing, granny dresses. Okay? This is part of the uniform that you have to wear in this nonrestrictive lifestyle that lets you be what you wanna be, man. (hippie voice)
Maddox: Rimless granny glasses for both men and women. So, they're getting rid of sexes.
Dick: So, like, John Lennon-style glasses?
Maddox: John Lennon glasses, yeah.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Which I feel like you'd think are cool, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, but they look weird…'cause I've got a big head, so those glasses look stupid on me.
Maddox: Yeah. They look goofy…you know, some people just don't have the genetics to be a hippie, guys. You have to adopt a vegetarian lifestyle. Right? 'Cause they're healthier. These are healthier people, right? They don't eat GMO. They adopt a vegetarian lifestyle. They also practice holistic medicine, which, by the way, has been usurped. It's a term that used to mean something. Now it just means alternate medicine! (upset) That's not what it meant. So, it's not to be confused with the treatment of the whole person. This is the actual definition of holistic. It's the treatment taking into account mental and social factors rather than just the physical symptoms of the disease. That's what holistic treatment USED to mean.
Maddox: Now it means psycho voodoo bullshit.
Maddox: That's what…that's what it means. "Eat unprocessed foods". Kay?
Dick: Well, that's good for you, though. 'Cause processed foods are fucked.
Maddox: Sure. I agree. I don't eat a lot of processed foods. I agree. But these are…these hippies think that they're so healthy because they practice alternate medicine, they're vegetarians, etc, etc. Let me…let me read you a list of some famous hippies. Okay? Janis Joplin.
Dick: (trying not to laugh) Died of what?
Maddox: Died of a heroin overdose…(Dick cracks up)
Dick: No GMOs in shitloads of heroin!!
Maddox: No GMOs in that, no! That was FDA approved, right? (Dick laughs) Possibly compounded by alcohol. "Joplin had accidentally been given heroin that was much more potent than normal."
Dick: Instead of what? Sorry, go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah, that's because heroin isn't regulated by the FDA, you fucking idiots! Of course you're gonna die taking heroin. It's an addictive…what is it? Substance 1 narcotic?
Maddox: Yeah. These are the same people who are telling me not to eat GMOs and unprocessed foods, and then do the purest heroin? Is that…
Dick: (interjects) Well, doesn't the drug abuse kind of speak to extreme selfishness?
Dick: Because if you're abusing drugs at that level, you just care about feeling good.
Maddox: You want to obliterate your senses and then just tune out of the universe. You're not contributing.
Maddox: And here's the other thing that kind of pisses me off, too. The use of marijuana and LSD as a way of expanding consciousness is condoned in a hippie lifestyle. This is according to, I think, Britannica. So, what great hippie scientific minds do we have? Hmm? These are people who are expanding consciousness!! Right? So what do we have to show for it? What have they done? What result do we have? What car? Show me a car invented by a hippie. Show me a scientific discover. Show me a man who stepped on the moon because of a hippie.
Dick: Because of drugs?
Maddox: Because of drugs "expanding our consciousness". And I put that in quotes here.
Dick: Yeah, I hate that too.
Maddox: "Expanding consciousness". Right? And then, here are some more famous hippies. Um, Charles Manson. He found acceptance with the Aryan Brotherhood in jail, where he became a sub to a sexually aggressive member of the group. Charles Manson, healthy lifestyle. Jerry Garcia. Dead. 53. Jimi Hendrix. Choked to death on his own vomit after heavy drinking and raking nine Vesparax sleeping tablets. That's 18 times the recommended amount. Sure. Be a vegetarian. Avoid GMO food. (Dick laughs) Die on your own barf. (Sean laughs) Bob Marley refused to amputate…so, he died from cancer. It's pretty tragic, actually. But he died from cancer. He refused to amputate his toe due to personal and religious beliefs, right? So he tried the Issels Treatment. Have you heard of this?
Maddox: That's because it's quackery. (scoffs) It's considered ineffective against cancer by the American Cancer Society. Patient's are asked to remove any teeth containing metal fillings…
Dick: (whispers) Ugh…
Maddox: To follow a strict diet, and to eliminate various substances, such as alcohol and caffeine, which are considered harmful. You know who else followed a regimen kinda similar to this and died?
Maddox: Nope. Steve Jobs.
Maddox: (laughs) Even worse!
Dick: Didn't Jim Henson do that, too? Didn't he, like, not believe in doctors or cures or something like that?
Sean: I think he was a Jehovah's Witness or a Christian Scientist.
Sean: I can't remember which one, but yeah, he didn't believe…he got, like, a cold that turned into pneumonia, I think.
Sean: And just refused treatment, 'cause…
Dick: Probably had a frog in his throat.
Sean: Oh my.
Dick: Uhhh, so what's your problem with hippies? I feel like they're on the way out.
Maddox: They are…
Dick: Or are they not?
Maddox: No, they are. This is…this is great. So, I actually wrote this down. This is…this also, I think, was in Britannica. It says "Hippies waned in the 80s. The alternative lifestyle to hippies became yuppies."
Dick: Oh. Yeah.
Maddox: That's right. People who were intent on making careers and starting businesses. They got tired of your hippie bullshit. They decided they don't like the smell of patchouli and B.O. because all you use are fucking natural soaps that don't work. And, by the way, everything is natural. I'm so tired of people saying, "Oh, what chemicals are in it? What chemicals are in it?" Water is a chemical! Hydrogen dioxide, guys. Water is a chemical. Everything is a chemical. Everything has chemicals in it.
Maddox: There's this meme going around talking about this NATURAL weed killer that you can make using dish soap and vinegar, or something like that. And someone went through…a chemist went through and put together the compounds, the chemical composition of this weed killer, and it is WAY more toxic than commercially-bought weed killer! (laughs) It's stuff that just sits in the environment and doesn't go away because it alters the structure of the detergent when you mix it with vinegar.
Dick: Hmm. (interested)
Maddox: Yeah, it's gonna kill weeds. It's gonna kill everything, you fucking morons. You think it's natural just because you can buy it off the shelf and you understand it? Go back into your caves!
Dick: Yeah. I feel like you hit something with the look. Honestly?
Maddox: Yeah. Okay.. (scoffs)
Dick: Because I…it had never occurred to me before how restrictive the counterculture movement is when it comes to clothing.
Dick: Like, it's always…it's ALWAYS about the clothing.
Dick: And it seems like a natural response, to like, their parents, who wear Don Draper three-piece suits every day.
Maddox: Yeah. These are…these are actually…so, being a dropout and not being able to hold a job is one of the characteristics in the Encyclopedia Britannica, of a hippie.
Dick: I feel like just some asshole wrote that, though. Like, what are your…(stammers), like WikiHow. I don't give a shit…WikiHow to fold a dollar bill.
Maddox: Sure. Sure.
Dick: What do YOU know about hippies?
Maddox: I'll tell you what I know.
Dick: 'Cause I think you might be talking to one.
Maddox: Dick, I am so…oh, fuckin'…alright, here we go, Burning Man. (Dick laughs) Listen to this. I am so glad you asked that question, because I brought in this problem specifically this week because I had a run-in with a belligerent, fuckass hippie.
Dick: Here we go. (smiling)
Maddox: Right? My neighbor. My neighbor is batshit crazy, out of her fucking mind.
Maddox: She's a straight up, 1960s hippie, aging, bitter, angry, insane. She's a crazy cat woman who yells at EVERYONE. EVERYONE passing by. If you're standing on the sidewalk just saying hi to the mailman, she'll come out and yell at you. She's like "Someone's inside sick! Someone inside is dying!" You know…Sean…
Sean: I saw her halfway under her car the other day.
Sean: Getting a cat out.
Maddox: Yep. That's her.
Sean: I know this lady.
Maddox: Yep. She's literally a crazy cat lady.
Sean: Yeah, she looked at me like she wanted to kill me.
Maddox: Oh yeah, she's out of her fucking mind.
Sean: As I drove by. Like "What the fuck are you doing on my street?" It was crazy.
Maddox: Yeah. This woman of tolerance.
Dick: Maybe you ran over her cat.
Sean: Well, there was that.
Maddox: You know what? You would be doing those cats a favor by running them over. I'm gonna do that right after this show. I'm gonna run over all her fucking cats. (Dick laughs) They're starving. They're emaciated. She doesn't fucking feed them.
Maddox: Right? Or maybe she does and she feeds them fucking vegan chow or whatever bullshit that cats can't eat and they're malnourished. They come over to my house and they just hang out, like, fuckin' looking for handouts. Like hippie…she's turned her cats into hippies!
Dick: How do you know she's a hippie?
Maddox: I'll tell you how. 'Cause all she does is listen to Janis Joplin, right? (Dick snickers) Right?
Maddox: Who's dead, by the way. Let me point that out again.
Maddox: And wears her twirly, loose, stupid pants. And her car has her windows down all the time. She doesn't give a shit about anything.
Maddox: Least of all…and she's…by the way, this hippie is ALWAYS, every fucking day, outside watering her lawn! (exclaims) Watering her lawn with a hose. And it was one of these instances…so, I came home the other day. I was driving some place and I forgot something, so I turned around, pulled into my neighbor's driveway, the duplex, right? My neighbors are really cool. Not her, she's out of her fuckin' mind, but she shares a fence, right? With us. So I pulled into the neighbor's driveway. My windows are down. I'm gonna be gone…I'm gonna be inside and out of the house for less than 30 seconds. This bitch is standing outside on her lawn watering it during a drought, right?
Maddox: This careta…this caretaker of Earth.
Maddox: Is watering during a drought. And I notice she's walking towards my car a little bit with her hose, and I thought to myself just for a split second, I thought…"Nah, there's no fucking way she's gonna spray inside my car." (Dick chuckles) I mean, the bitch has gotta be out of her fucking mind if she did that, right?
Maddox: I go inside, come out 10 seconds later…(Dick chortles) Spraying inside my fucking car. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Wait a minute. Like, jamming it in the window and directly spraying it? Or just kind of, like, hitting it as she's wiggling her hose around?
Maddox: It wasn't casually. It was inside my driver's side window!
Dick: Like aiming?!
Dick: Like she's at a carnival?
Dick: Shooting one of those balloon things?
Maddox: Yes! She drenched my fucking front seat. And my passenger seat.
Dick: What the hell did you say?! (incredulous)
Maddox: And I'm cell phone. I said…I said…"What the fuck are you doing?" I started yelling at her. It's like "Are you out of your fucking mind?" And she said, "What?" I said, "You heard me, bitch. Are you out of your fucking mind, spraying inside my car?" She said "I didn't hear you!"
Dick: Oh, no. Is she that senile, or is she just screwing around? What's…
Maddox: You know what? She's part senile. She's belligerent. She's actually confronted me one other time when I was standing out and having a good night conversation with a friend.
Dick: With a lady friend?
Maddox: Oh, maybe, I dunno, a couple. (laughs) So, she came out and she said, "Can you guys move your car here?" By the way, there was a car parked on the street waiting for a friend right in front of her house, and she came out and told them to turn off their engines. And I told her "Go back inside your house. This is none of your business." Because they had been arguing back and forth, right? I said "Don't worry about it, it's none of your business. Mind your own fucking business."
Dick: You know, I think we might have brought in the same problem this week.
Dick: 'Cause I got a lot of "mind your own business" on my end. You got a lot of "mind your own business" on your end.
Maddox: Yeah. Mind your own fucking business, bitch.
Dick: You got people spraying water in cars.
Dick: I got people yelling at guys for doing dishes.
Maddox: Yeah. If I'm out back…if I'm out back in my backyard just talking on my cell phone, that's too loud for her. She'll yell across the fence and say "Shut up!" This is this tolerant bitch, right? And yet, when I come outside my front door, I can hear her hippie music BLARING on my PORCH! She's two…she's like a house and a half down from me and I can hear her hippie music.
Dick: Yeah. She's spreading the love.
Maddox: Yeah, oh yeah. Spreading the love. So I march over to her and I say, "What the fuck are you doing?" And then she's starting to cower, right? At this point. She walks over.
Maddox: And, uh…I walk up to her…she's hiding behind the tree now because she knows I'm fucking pissed, right? (Dick cracks up) I mean…I wish…I wish, I wish, there was some kind of witness there or something like that, 'cause she assaulted me with that hose, right? She sprayed ME with the hose, too!
Dick: When did she spray you with the hose?
Maddox: When I was…(stammers)
Dick: You skipped that part!
Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah! Okay, yeah, so…
Dick: (interjects) So, she's putting water in your car…
Maddox: She's putting water in my car…(angry)
Dick: And you come out yelling at her like a WWF wrestler.
Dick: Like "What are you doing?" "What are you doing?"
Dick: She, what? Turns the water on you?
Maddox: Then she turns the water on me.
Dick: (laughing) Ohohoh, my God!!
Maddox: So I am LIVID. Like, (stammers) I'm not even sure a drop of water landed on me because it steamed off from heat! (Dick laughs) Right? I was LIVID. So I walk over there and she walks up, being all nonchalant, like, watering her plants like nothing happened right?
Maddox: I'm like "No, bitch!" So I walk over to her, I say, "What the FUCK are you doing?" And I walk up to her and she goes, "Oh, I didn't see you." I was like, "You fucking did. You sprayed me. I'm wet. You sprayed inside my car." And she goes, "Oh, what are you gonna do about it?"
Dick: Oh!!! (shocked)
Maddox: Yeah. So I turned off her hose, took it out of her hand, threw it on the ground. Man, I wanted to clock her so bad, but I was like "I'll go to jail". I mean, that's that. She's frail.
Maddox: I mean, I would break something. But man, I fucking hate her. And I fucking hate all hippies.
Dick: And that was the end of it?
Maddox: Yeah, I walked off. I mean, what am I gonna do, man?
Maddox: I told her I was gonna call the cops, 'cause she assaulted..that's assault, right? That is assault. You can't just spray someone walking by…
Dick: I dunno. I think the cops would laugh at you if you called them up and said "An old lady sprayed me with a garden hose."
Maddox: Well, what if an old lady punched me in the chest? 'Cause she also did that. On my way out, she punched me in the chest. I'm like "Well, that's my justification to punch back." Cause I'm a feminist, right?
Dick: I don't think…oh, yeah…I don't think you're gonna get away with it.
Maddox: I'm a feminist. I want there to be equality. Of course I'm not gonna get away with it. (upset) Of course. (Dick laughs) 'Cause society is stacked against this kind of horse shit!! All the fucking time, I get slapped, punched, whatever. Can't hit back. 'Cause if I do, I'm gonna look like the bad guy. There's no fucking bruise on me, I'm invincible. But if I hit her, she's gonna fucking have a bruise.
Dick: Yeah. I think you even look like the bad guy just being involved in it.
Maddox: Yeah, of course.
Dick: Like, even though you didn't retaliate, you still look like a bad guy just for saying "What the fuck are you doing spraying a bunch of water in my car?!" (incredulous)
Maddox: I know!
Dick: That's my car!!
Sean: Why did she do that?
Dick: Yeah! That's what I wanna know too!
Sean: Why did she spray your car?
Maddox: She's just a bitch. She's just an awful, awful human being. Selfish, inconsiderate, hippie. She's lived her whole life for herself and she's continuing to. She's just bored. She's looking to stir the pot a little bit.
Dick: For fun? For laughs?
Dick: It would be fun to just, maaaaah, spray a bunch of water in somebody's car, I guess.
Maddox: Well, sure. It would also be fun to clock her. Um, so, so then, I told my neighbors about it. I said, "Look, I gotta be outta here. Keep an eye out on my place. This bitch is out of her fuckin' mind." Right?
Maddox: So then, she took a whole bunch of garbage and threw it over the fence into the neighbor's…into my neighbor's…my poor neighbors who aren't even involved in this altercation; however, they've had their own run-ins with her. When I moved into this neighborhood, I'm not exaggerating, seven or eight people came up to me and warned me about her.
Maddox: She's so out of her fuckin' mind. So, so yeah. This happened. And then I told her I was gonna call the cops, but of course, cops aren't gonna do anything.
Dick: No. Don't bother them, please, with this.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, yeah. The cops are too busy. They can't even come take a burglary report, those fuckin' fatasses! So then, the next day, this made me happy. I was walking home, and I think she's afraid of me now, too. Which is great. 'Cause she saw I was pissed, man.
Maddox: I mean, I had that look in my eyes where, "Yeah, I'm not sure, I might punch you." So, I'm walking on the sidewalk and I look on her car, and there was this big bag of doggie poop right on her hood. And I thought "Ah, that's funny."
Dick: On her hood.
Maddox: On her hood. Yeah.
Maddox: I don't know! So I went to my neighbor's, I said…'cause I told them about the altercation and everything, and they've got my back. They're great.
Maddox: And I said, "Did you guys leave some doggie poop on her hood?" And they said, "No, it wasn't us." And I asked my other friend, and my other neighbors. Wasn't anyone I know in the neighborhood. She's pissed off other people.
Dick: So you can do whatever you want, because she has so many enemies, you can get away with this. It's like who shot Mr. Burns?
Maddox: Yeah. Right. So, um, these are these free-loving, "Do your own thing, man." Easygoing, just go with the flow, groovy, vibing dipshits who are fucking spraying the inside of my car!!
Dick: (laughing) I'm glad we did get to the root problem of your problem this week. (Maddox laughing) Your neighbor. Hey, I've got some…you know we had Asterios Kokkinos on the program last week and everybody loved him so much.
Dick: A lot of people said, "Make him a permanent part of the program." So, we asked him to put together some bits for us. You know…
(Sound effect: Asterios yelling "'CAUSE I'M A DIGITAL CYBERDEMON!")
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) He lives in New York. We would have him in here whenever he wanted if we could.
Dick: But he sent us…he sent us some stuff. I want to play it for you.
Theme trumpets...carnie voice says:
"Welcome to the Biggest Problem in History: Taking the Pisstory out of History. In this segment, we will examine the worst things to ever occur on today's date. (Morse code beeping sounds) October 14th, 1918. Corporal Adolf Hitler was wounded in a mustard gas attack during World War I. Why is this a problem? Because he didn't fucking die! (Maddox laughs) Mustard gas, you had one thing to do that day, and you fucked it up! What saved Hitler? Ironically, his Hitler mustache!"
"Before World War I, Hitler had a full, curly mustache. Yes, Hitler looked like a hipster, only far less evil. But Hitler's commanding officer ordered him to trim his mustache so his gas mask might better seal his face!"
Dick: How about that?
Maddox: Ugh. Wow.
"And it's that tight seal that kept Hitler from going kaput! From saying Auf Wiedersehen! From heading to that big Oktoberfest in the sky! From doing scat porn in Hell! (Maddox laughs) What was then known as the toothbrush mustache is now known as the Hitler mustache. If only Hitler had succumbed to the British Army's prim and proper mustard gas, World War II might never have happened and our listeners would still have access to that sweet, sweet mustache. I mean, seriously. Even Michael Jordan can't pull it off and he won six goddamned NBA Championships." Theme trumpets)
Maddox: That's true, man. Wow, I didn't know that. So Hitler's mustache saved his life.
Dick: Yeah. And the mustache came about by saving his life.
Dick: That's pretty interesting.
Maddox: Yeah. Interesting. That is interesting. So why isn't the mustache the problem?
Dick: Uh, mustache is never the problem. Get the fuck out of here, man.
Maddox: That was a trick question. That was a trick question. Alright, great.
Dick: What do you think? You learn something from that?
Maddox: Yeah, actually I did. I didn't know that mustard gas…that he was gassed with mustard gas. And he was wearing a gas mask; that's why he didn't die.
Dick: Yeah. He wore a gas mask.
Maddox: 'Cause he had trimmed his…you know what? If they attacked in modern day Brooklyn, Williamsburg, all the hipsters would die. They can't wear gas masks with those hipster mustaches. Those handlebar mustaches. Which, by the way, when I created the thumbnail for last week's episode, when Asterios brought in Toms Shoes, I found…(chuckles) the perfect, most shitty, douchebaggiest pair of shoes, I think, in history. I don't know if you can top this. It's a pair of Toms that have a handlebar hipster mustache on the side.
Dick: Oh, god. (disgusted)
Dick: Uh, he sent us another one. Wanna hear it?
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Theme trumpets, Morse code beeps sound again.
"October 14th, 1994. Pulp Fiction debuts. A brilliant film that wins the hearts of audiences and ruins everything else. Think about it. If there was no Pulp Fiction, there'd be no John Travolta resurgence. No Scientology resurgence…"
Maddox: That's true. He's got a point.
"And most importantly, no Boondock Saints. Yes, a decade of Tarantino rip-offs like Suicide Kings, Snatch, and Smokin' Aces would have been avoided had only Quentin not tried to make art. Which is why we, at this show, implore our listeners to never follow your dreams! Just stay inside listening to episode after episode of The Biggest Problem in the Universe and leave your inheritance to yours truly! (Maddox and Dick crack up) "That's all for now. Until next time, this is Asterios Kokkinos saying…"The past can go a-fuck itself!!!!!" (reverb) (theme trumpets)
Maddox: That's great. Boisterous Coconuts.
Maddox: That's great.
Voice mail clip: "Boisterous Coconuts?" (Maddox laughs)
Dick: So thanks, Asterios.
Maddox: Bravo. Yeah, thank you Asterios. We'd love to have him on again and the listeners loved it too. Yeah, so great problems this week. So what's your problem? How are you phrasing it?
Dick: "California Drought…" What did I say? Dickbags? "California Drought Dickbags"?
Maddox: Okay. And my problem, very simply, is "Hippies", and it was inspired by my bitch, nasty, ugly, old, piece of shit, worthless human being, mean, selfish, senile, neighbor hippie.
Sean: Won't it be great when she finally breaks her hip and you can just lay there all day listening to the screams?
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Sean: When nobody comes?
Maddox: Yeah. So, I don't know…I don't know if this is going too far, 'cause I was talking to my neighbors, who love me, and I said…and they mentioned how she drives drunk to the liquor store all the time to buy more wine. And I thought, "Wow, there's a silver lining here, right? Maybe she might end up wrapped around a telephone pole." And uhh… I dunno. I got off on that imagery.
Maddox: But uhh, I think…(inaudible)
Dick: I feel like I would mount a defense for hippies, but I don't think has anything to do with hippies. I think this has to do with your crazy fuck neighbor.
Maddox: Ohh…and all the other stuff I mentioned, that's not a problem? How hippies are astrologists and into just specifically Eastern meditation and Eastern religions, and they have a uniform, and they're…
Dick: (interjects) The uniform is. The uniform is. You got me on the uniform.
Maddox: Mhmm. Yeah. They're very…they're very strict and regimented as far as…as much as they like to say they aren't.
Dick: Well, but here's my thing. Every…every…every group believes in some shit.
Dick: Right? Everyone has their fucking uniform.
Maddox: By definition…well. No. I don't. I dress whatever. Yeah.
Dick: I mean, that's your uniform, dude. You wear, like…you got video games, and like, references on your shirts. It's Godzilla, Contra…that's your uniform.
Maddox: No, that's just awesome shit, man.
Dick: Goofy fucking shirts. Yeah, it's awesome shit to you.
Dick: Like, you see the difference in those things, but…I just see…yeah, it's Maddox in one of his fucking Maddox shirts.
Maddox: What are you talking about?! Yeah.
Dick: Like, I would never wear, like, a Jack-O'-Lantern T-shirt? An orange Jack-O'-Lantern T-shirt?
Dick: I wouldn't be caught dead in that.
Maddox: That shit's cool as shit.
Dick: (laughing) Yeah. That's your uniform.
Maddox: That was an impulse buy.
Dick: That's your uniform.
Maddox: That's not a uniform! I wear plaid sometimes. I wear dress shirts sometimes. I have plain shirts. I have tank tops. I have the Puerto Rican flag tank top. That's pretty cool.
Dick: Now you're getting back into your…uniform.
Maddox: That's not a uniform, man!! (incredulous) You can't…okay. If you want to say I wear a uniform, you have to go sooo general that you are breaking the definition of a category.
Dick: Maddox. You are currently wearing a Dreamcast T-shirt.
Maddox: Oh, so I am.
Dick: A T-shirt that has a video game system that came out in what, 2001?
Dick: And no one blinked. What would you say if I was wearing that T-shirt?
Maddox: I'd be like, "Wow."
Dick: It would be a surprise, wouldn't it?
Maddox: I'd be like, "Yeah, cool shirt, Dick. Finally."
Dick: (laughing) Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. First time ever.
Dick: You're wearing the uniform.
Maddox: It's not a uniform, man. Look, just 'cause you have a style, doesn't mean it's a uniform.
Maddox: No, no, but this is…the hippie aesthetic is pretty specific. You're…you have to generalize so much to the type of stuff I wear. I mean, you could just go through my closet right now.
Dick: Well, I disagree, but I do think they are aggressive about enforcing their aesthetic.
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: And I don't think you are. Like, if you talk to a guy in a suit, I don't think you would necessarily think he was a douchebag.
Maddox: No. I don't give a shit.
Dick: If he was wearing a mustache on his shoes, you would think he's a huge douchebag, though.
Maddox: Uhh…yeah, of course. Of course. 'Cause that's a doucehbag move. But I was wearing a suit the other day. I was wearing a tuxedo. I mean, I can pull it off. I don't think hippies can pull of tuxedos or anything…they still just look like hippies in that thing, right? 'Cause they have long hair…uh-oh.
Dick: I know. That's why I think…that's why I feel like I need to offer a rebuttal.
Dick: 'Cause I got long hair. I go sleep in the back of my truck in the desert for a week and a half and do a shitload of drugs and maybe get chlamydia.
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: So maybe I am a hippie. I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah, you're a huge hippie, man. Big problem. Dick's the problem, guys. Go vote up "Indignant Co-Hosts". (laughing) You know, Dick, it's telling that you would go straight to hippie with your long hair rather than barbarian. That's what I would say if I had long hair. Or any hair. I would tell people I was a barbarian. But not you.
Dick: Eh, you got me again.
Maddox: Why don't you go marry my neighbor? (Dick cracks up) Why don't you go bang her in a hottub? Make an ugly child.
Dick: Alright, everybody. (grinning)
Maddox: That's it. Vote on these problems. http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com/ We'll be back next week. And, uh…stay tuned for the BIG bonus show that's coming up, probably in the first week of November!
(Closing theme riff starts)
Dick: Thanks for listening.
(Closing theme riff continues, trails off)