Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 20Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
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Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyy! What's up, buddy? Happy to be here!
Maddox: And joining us as always, is Sean, our audio engineer.
Dick: Alright. Who won?
Maddox: So, the winner, predictably, I think, last week, was "AIDS".
Dick: You gotta be fucking kidding me. (Maddox cracks up) AIDS?! How did AIDS beat…what were my problems? How did "AIDS" beat "Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey"?!
Maddox: Everything beat "Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey". Nobody thinks it's a problem. ALTHOUGH, I got beat up in the comments about it!
Dick: You got lit up like a Christmas tree in the comments.
Dick: Can I read them?
Dick: I brought in some.
Maddox: Oh, let's hear these bullshit comments. (Dick cackling) Hold on. Let me get my buzzer finger ready.
Dick: This is the first week where I've read….every comment.
Dick: 'Cause usually, I'm getting my ass torn up, but you got fucking torn to pieces this week! (laughing) (reads the first comment) "Fireball fucking sucks. I'd rather drink, well, dog piss." From Ryan Mason. Ray Alanis says: "Fireball is a good sipping whiskey? Maddox, I hope Johnny Walker comes back to life and punches you in the ovaries." (background laughter) Garth Ste-Rose: "Fireball is like AIDS to whiskey." Which is true. I also brought in a voicemail about it. You wanna hear that? (laughing)
Maddox: (laughs) Let's hear the voicemail.
Voicemail: "Hey Maddox. I've got a question for you. If you're gonna drink Fireball whiskey, why don't you just go back to your fucking sorority with your sorority sisters and go to your book club and read Twilight and discuss your feelings and uh…talk about which anti-itch ointment feels best on your vagina?" (laughing)
Dick: (interjects) He's only halfway through. (Maddox laughing)
Voicemail: "Real men, like Dick and myself. We drink real liquor. Whiskey. And you know what? We drink whiskey like some kind of bare-chested pugilist with a handlebar mustache."
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!
Voicemail: "The kind of guy that when he's done with the bottle, eats the glass bottle."
Dick: (interjects) I don't know about that.
Voicemail: "That's the kind of guy that you need to aspire to be, instead of drinking this bullshit Fireball nothing."
Maddox: Oh my God. (Sean laughing)
Dick: What do you think about that? (smug)
Maddox: What's that idiot's name? I shouldn't call him an idiot.
Dick: I don't know! They never leave their names!
Dick: I don't know what these voicemail…like, don't these people hear voicemails on talk shows, you say, "Hey, this is somebody from somebody" and then you do your thing.
Maddox: Yeah, sure. Hey, Dumbass McDumberson. Let's call him that. While you're sitting there chewing your fucking glass bottle like an ape, I'm sitting here sipping Fireball Whiskey like the delicious beverage it is, like a chill motherfucker. Look, this guy, Dan White, he says, "Fireball over the rocks. That's possibly the least manly thing Maddox has ever said." To which I replied…
Dick: (interjects) It is.
Maddox: To which I replied, I say, hey, you see a guy drinking a cold glass of Fireball Whiskey in the bar? That's me, not giving a fuck. Right? That's what a real man does. He drinks what he wants to. It's not a popularity contest. I'm not sitting here caring what you yentas gossip about in the corner while you drink your fucking boot water. I don't give a shit...
Dick: (interjects) Uh-huh.
Maddox: …about your smoky, bullshit, cigar-blowing, you two idiots sitting on each other's laps. (background laughter) I don't give a shit about your fucking bullshit. I'm gonna drink what I want and not give a fuck. That's what a real man does. He doesn't care.
Dick: Yeah. (skeptical) I read another comment on there that said, like "Yeah, you can say that while you're blowing a bunch of guys, too. Good for you for not caring." (Maddox laughs) I think this is a moral win for me, 'cause I know Fireball Whiskey got nailed in the voting, but I feel like the Bad News Bears. Right?
Dick: A moral victory. Not by the numbers…but, fuck the score. Nobody will remember the score. Nobody cares that AIDS won. Uhhhhhhhhh. Big fuckin' deal.
Maddox: Wow. Listen to Rudy over here. Nail you to a cross. And then "Flat Tires" came in second place. Both your problems got trounced. Your stupid "Redskins Controversy". Which, by the way, was…again…like, one of those things. I got an email from somebody. People take this shit SO seriously. I got an email from somebody who was like "Hey Maddox, huge Redskins fan. Should I listen to this episode or am I gonna get pissed off and stop being a fan?" I wrote back and I'm like "I don't give a shit. Either way." This is such a stupid, bullshit non-troversy. And I'm so glad South Park…did you see South Park's episode?
Dick: Yeah, of course I saw South Park. But I think I failed to make one point crystal clear to you.
Dick: Okay? What if…what if people were offended by you, which they are. So the government came in and said "Okay, now anybody can use the name 'Maddox'."
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Once 'Maddox' becomes a racial epithet, maybe that argument will hold some weight.
Dick: I'm just saying. I'm just saying.
Maddox: So, I got a comment from Justin Tribuna. He says "Dick, when you say that having a team called the Blackskins or the Yellowskins would never happen, you're pointing out why there shouldn't be a team called the 'Redskins'. You can't tell me that two of these names are racist, but one isn't."
Dick: Okay, lemme ask you something. Uhh…Red Man Tobacco? Did they lose their trademark, too? Since it's so offensive to call anyone "red", and have, like, a little mascot of an Indian guy?
Maddox: I dunno, man. I've never even heard of it.
Dick: No, no, they didn't! Red Man Chewing Tobacco? You've never heard of Red Man Chewing Tobacco?
Dick: Maddox, what do you chew?
Maddox: I don't…(laughing) I don't chew anything.
Maddox: Not glass, like you idiots!
Dick: Yeah! This…did they lose their trademark? No! No. Because they're not getting enough attention.
Dick: That's my whole point! This is all…it's all bullshit.
Dick: If it was, like…if it was actually what's offensive and what's not, and they all decided that the classification of "red" was now a racial epithet, then go after Red Man Tobacco.
Maddox: You know, Dick, one of the…one of my friends sent me a survey from right after his episode aired. He was all pissed off and he sent me a survey and he said, "Hey, 90% of American Indians don't give a shit." Or, Native Americans don't give a shit about this name. It doesn't offend them. Right?
Dick: Sure. Yeah.
Maddox: But the survey's from 2004. That's the survey that everyone's referring in every news article. Is from 2004.
Dick: So what?
Maddox: You don't think that opinions and attitudes can change over the course of a decade? In 2004, the majority of people were opposed to gay marriage. Today, for the first time ever in history, more people are in favor of gay marriage than against. So, should we just repeal gay marriage based on 2004 statistics?
Maddox: Yeah. (smug)
Dick: Yeah. I think 10 years…I don't wanna go over it anymore.
Maddox: Gotcha, fuckup.
Dick: Alright, you got me.
Maddox: What's your next comment?
Dick: Uhh…my next comment is…lemme see here. Oh yeah! Okay. Charles Fairchild…remember how my phone went off…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah.
Dick: …A couple episodes ago?
Maddox: Uh-huh. Like an earthquake.
Dick: I had it in "Do Not Disturb" mode.
Maddox: Mmkay. (smug)
Dick: I told you I did, and you fucks didn't believe me. Right?
Maddox: Mmm. Yeah, because…I didn't believe you because it went off! (yelling)
Dick: Okay. So. Apparently, on the iPhone, even if you have it in "Do Not Disturb" mode, if the screen is on, it will still vibrate.
Maddox: Oohhhhh. Okay.
Dick: So. So. So, you have to go in and say…because I use my phone as the timer…
Dick: …for this show.
Dick: So generously I give of myself and my equipment here with my phone being on the whole time…(smiling)
Maddox: Wow. (sarcastic)
Dick: Because I have it on, it went off. That's why.
Maddox: You're using a dual-core processor there as a kitchen timer, essentially.
Dick: Look, whatever. That's why it went off. It wasn't my fault.
Dick: I'm saying…I should…I'm…It wasn't my fault.
Maddox: Sounds like it's Apple's fault for making a shitty phone. I have got a comment from Tobias Lövgren. He says…this isn't funny. He's just kind of making a good point about this Redskins controversy. He says, "Would it be racist to change the Washington Redskins' name to the Washington Natives or perhaps the Washington Braves? You could keep the logo that way." What do you think?
Maddox: Why not? (snaps) What do you lose by changing it to the Washington Natives or the Washington Braves?
Dick: I think that's up to the people who own the business.
Dick: I think that's…if they decided to do that, that's fine. That's up to them. I just don't want the government forcing them to do it. I don't want the government forcing people to…
Maddox: (interjects) Nooo one is forcing anyone to change anything!
Dick: Yes they are! By removing their trademark, they're preventing them from making money on it!
Dick: That's the whole point!
Maddox: That's all it comes down to, is money.
Dick: They're ruining the business!
Maddox: Nope. They can keep using it. They just can't use the racial epithet for a trademark.
Dick: That's so…it's…fine. Let the market determine it. Don't let the government determine it. That's what I'm saying.
Maddox: Alright. Well, the market is determining it by making their own knockoff products, which is great. It makes me so happy.
Dick: Is that really happening?
Maddox: Uh…yes, actually. Look for my Washington Redskins shirts in my Maddox store, coming soon!
Dick: Ugh…South Park beat you to that.
Maddox: Yeah. That was a hilarious episode. I got a comment from Cabot Roth. He says, "Dick, you're a dumbass."
Maddox: "Classic Speedy Gonzalez cartoons from the 1940s haven't been shown on television for more than a decade because people woke up to the fact that they were incredibly racist in their depictions of Mexicans and Latinos in general. Every one of them, save for Speedy, were either stupid or asleep, the implication being that they were constantly stoned."
Dick: And then what? They brought 'em back, right? Mexicans said, like, "We like them. Bring them back."
Maddox: Yeah. Did you read that in the comment?
Maddox: Alright. I read that too.
Dick: I read it! See, I read all the comments this week!
Maddox: Yeah. I didn't fact check it though, so that might be bullshit. Alright, what do you got?
Dick: I got another guy who hates me. You wanna hear another voicemail?
Maddox: Oh, let's hear it.
Dick: Alright. This was about your "Flat Tires" problem.
Voicemail: "Hey Dick, everything you say makes me want to body slam you through a table. You just gotta be contrarian to everything Maddox says. Of course tweels…of course it's a conspiracy. Shut up!" (Maddox laughing)
Dick: So he…he agrees with you. There's a vote for you.
Maddox: (laughing) Uh…thanks? I guess. He said of course it's a conspiracy?
Maddox: Yeah, well, you're not helping my cause, buddy. But, yeah, Dick, why you gotta be such a contrarian? What else…you got another comment?
Dick: Ummmm…yeah, here's one.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: This was on…on Twitter.
Dick: "@maddoxrules, I listen to your podcast every chore day. Thanks for making laundry folding suck way fewer balls. Love, your biggest Canadian fan."
Dick: Did you see this girl?
Maddox: I did, yeah. What's her name?
Dick: Yeah. Not kiddin' around.
Maddox: What was the Twitter handle on that?
Dick: Oh man. @notkiddinaround. Is this what life is like for you?
Dick: Just these hot broads telling you how much they love your shit all day?
Maddox: Yeah. It's pretty great.
Maddox: Pretty great. Um, I wake up and I just…start my day with hot broads and end my day with hot broads. (laughing) Okay, I got one from Brock Hanley. He says "Liqueurs are not manly, Maddox. I know you like cinnamon, but drink that at home in the dark. In shame." Thanks, Brock.
Dick: Hey, um…I got an AIDS voicemail, and then I'm done with comments.
Maddox: Yeah. Let's hear the AIDS voicemail.
Dick: Here's your victory voicemail.
Voicemail: "Hey Maddox. I'm glad you brought up the AIDS issue, because, you know who spent, like a ton of money trying to fight AIDS in Africa? Is your best friend, George W. Bush. So, suck on that."
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughing) So you guys are on the same side on something.
Maddox: Great. I actually don't have a problem with that. So, this one…here's a comment…this one came in email. By the way, we got a lot of comments this week, so that's why this is a little top heavy…
Dick: You really fucked up that AIDS one, though.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm getting to that. Okay, so…(everyone starts laughing) So this one…Dick, during that episode, when I first introduced the problem of AIDS, your first…the first thing you said is "Why is AIDS a problem?" (laughing)
Maddox: Which is maybe, of all the 20 episodes we've done so far, the dumbest thing you've said.
Dick: I thought you were getting to what YOU fucked up on!
Maddox: No no. I will. I will. I'll get to my fuckup in a minute. I'm still talking about your fuckup.
Dick: Oh, okay. (grinning) It's a fuckup sandwich.
Maddox: So this one…this person wrote me…Njaal Sand says…in an email, says "Why AIDS is a problem. You get it by having unprotected sex with strangers and it's contagious. Also, people die from it."
Dick: Well, okay. That's…you could have said that. Instead, you pulled out wrong statistics.
Dick: One in six people have AIDS!
Maddox: Ohhhhhh. And by the way, that pissed me off! Did you see the infographic that I referred to from AIDS.gov?
Dick: (laughing) Yeah. It looked like garbage!
Maddox: It's a GARBAGE infographic!
Dick: (yelling) That's where you're getting your stats from, though!
Maddox: Yes! AIDS.gov. That seems like a reliable source. And it is. It's just broken up with this shitty infographic. They need to fire that guy.
Dick: You just gotta pay attention.
Dick: Across a page.
Maddox: I guess.
Dick: Wikipedia, man.
Maddox: Yeah, because people naturally read sentences with giant graphics in between. (sarcasm)
Dick: Wait a minute! This win has to have an asterisk by it! Because you won with false stats!
Maddox: No! People knew…
Dick: That is a false stat!
Maddox: But I posted the correction immediately underneath the problems…the votes.
Dick: Naaaaaaaaaah, what are you gonna read AND listen now to votes? Get outta here!!! (yells)
Maddox: Yes, Dick. You actually have to be informed.
Dick: You should be disqualified for bringing in bullshit information. I can't come in here and say "Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey" killed 20 billion people last year!
Maddox: Dick, I fucked up with the "AIDS" problem and that's why it only has 852 votes as of this recording. So what does it say, if my limp-dicked attempt with AIDS still trounced your bullshit problems?
Dick: Ha….(trails off)…what, you want to win TWICE?! (yelling) Is that what you want here?!? You want TWO wins?!
Maddox: (laughs) Yeah. That's what I want. Okay, so Scott Brooks emails me, and he says "Maddox, the flippant treatment of AIDS was infuriating and wasted an opportunity." So, I gotta be honest. When I started doing research for that problem, it was overwhelming. It's almost imp…the scope and the breadth of that problem are so big that you can't possibly do anything in any kind of cohesive manner in about 15 minutes, which is what we had on the show. So, uhh…it was a big problem to tackle and cover, but he…he actually said, "Here are two details about AIDS that you could have mentioned that would have enabled you to make a much stronger point. The first is 'HIV and AIDS gets passed on from pregnant mothers to their offspring.'" So, that's actually something that I didn't consider during the episode, which is true.
Dick: Okay. (grinning)
Maddox: Makes it a bigger problem.
Maddox: You're just grinning! Why?
Dick: (yelling) Cause you already fucking won!
Dick: And you're bringing in more stats to win more!
Maddox: It's not to win more, it's to inform, Dick. That's what we do. We inform.
Sean: Doesn't it…doesn't it beat him making a follow-up video, though? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Shut up, Sean!
Dick: Yeah. Is there gonna be an AIDS video?
Maddox: Yeah. It's gonna be Sean's Ass video. Is an amazing big deal.
Dick: I mean, herpes still gets passed on from a mother to the kid too, doesn't it?
Maddox: Yeah, but it doesn't kill at the same rate!
Dick: Well, so…Mmmmyeahh….
Maddox: Ugh. Okay. The second pointed he wanted to bring up is that there is a myth in certain countries that having sex with a virgin will cure AIDS, or presumably, any illness. Now, this…this is really depressing, but…"individuals affected with AIDS frequently seek out children and even infants and rape them in order to be cured. In 2001 alone, in South Africa, there were 21,000 reported incidents of child rape and it is estimated that only about 1 out of 35 instances get reported."
Dick: Yeah. I actually knew about that, but I didn't want to bring it up last week.
Dick: Cause it's depressing, that's why!!!
Maddox: Of course it's depressing…
Dick: (interjects) It's gross.
Maddox: But it's a stat and it's building the case for AIDS! Oh man, that's the last time I post any link to support any bullshit argument you bring it. Which Dick NEVER does, by the way! He NEVER sends me any links! I have to do research for him and me!! It's insane. Alright. Anyway, that was from Scott Brooks.
Dick: Asterisk. That win has an asterisk on it to me, just like steroids and baseball…
Maddox: Yeah. (sulking)
Dick: …for bullshit statistics!
Maddox: I'm gonna punch you in your asterisk.
Dick: Speaking of punching, can I do my first problem?
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: "Transgendered MMA fighters".
Maddox: So…what's the story? Let's get everyone up to speed. I think I know what you're talking about.
Dick: Yeah yeah yeah. So, this week, there's a little bit of a controversy over this transgendered, what do you say? How do you phrase it if it was a man that became a woman? Is it a transgendered woman? Or is it a transgendered man?
Maddox: If it's a man who's become a woman after operation, it's a post-op trans woman.
Dick: Okay, so I'm gonna say transgendered woman.
Maddox: Yeah. I think you can say "trans" woman too.
Dick: Trans woman? You can say that?
Maddox: I think so. I think so. Yeah.
Dick: Alright. I don't wanna have a Redskins…a Washington Redskins on my hands here.
Dick: So, a trans woman…
Dick: Is apparently an MMA fighter.
Dick: Did you know about this?! Did you know about this before this week?
Maddox: I had just heard about it this week.
Dick: Yeah. I think that's it for me. I think that's the last stop. I'm just done. I'm done with everything. There is now…there is a woman. A trans woman who used to be a man…
Dick: Who used to be Navy man, to be specific. Who paid for his surgery by driving a truck. By being a truck driver. Right?
Maddox: Okay. Mhmm.
Dick: This person is now legally beating the shit out of women. Like, natural genetic women.
Dick: That's it for me. That's it. This is…and this is sanctioned (voice cracks) by California Athletic…whatever…licensing bodies and Florida licensing bodies.
Dick: So the reason it's a controversy right now is because there's been some shit talk between this trans woman, Fallon Fox, and the current female MMA UFC champion, let's see, where did I get her name? Rousey.
Maddox: Rhonda Rousey.
Dick: Yeah. Rhonda Rousey.
Maddox: Oh, he…she…beat up Rhonda Rousey?
Dick: No, no no no no. She's trying to like, do the…you know, like the Rocky III, with Mr. T?
Dick: Where they show up at the press conference and talk shit…
Maddox: (interjects) To shit talk.
Dick: To try to provoke…so apparently this trans woman is trying to provoke, I think. Trying to provoke, like a title match out of the current champion. But…just, just listen to this. Her last fight, the woman who got trounced by this trans woman fighter, Fallon Fox, suffered a broken orbital bone and needed seven staples in her head. And may have had a concussion.
Maddox: Uh-huh. And I heard she broke her jaw as well.
Dick: Yeah I didn't hear about that.
Maddox: Yeah. Supposedly, she broke her jaw and her eyeball. She has, like, a sunken eyeballs.
Dick: Yeah. This is where we're at, man.
Maddox: Yeah. And everybody cheered, by the way. So, the NFL does it a week prior. What's his name, Rice? Ray Rice?
Dick: Ray Rice.
Maddox: Yeah. Knocks his wife out in an elevator…
Maddox: Everyone is appalled…and yet, this…man-now-woman…
Maddox: A trans woman.
Dick: A trans woman.
Maddox: Right? A trans woman. Has essentially the strength of a man.
Dick: Well, now, lemme stop you there. I'm gonna let you run with it, because I have some interesting information from, like, a scientist about muscle mass and bone density that I can talk about in a little bit…
Maddox: Sure, let's hear it!
Dick: No no no, keep going with your train of thought.
Maddox: Okay, well, so essentially he has the strength of a man and he was put in the same weight class, the same class…the same gender bout as this woman, and totally trounced on her. Although, although, Dick, lemme play Devil's advocate here just for a second.
Dick: Oh, you know how much I hate Devil's Advocate…
Maddox: I know you do. I know you do. Who was her opponent?
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: Who was Fallon Fox's opponent.
Dick: I think from her record, I think she's had like seven fights, and she actually got her ass kicked once, which is great, but…uhh, no, just some woman with a losing record who's not in the UFC.
Maddox: I mean, it was her choice, right?
Dick: The other woman's choice?
Maddox: The other woman's choice to fight Fallon Fox.
Dick: Sure. Yes.
Maddox: Okay. So, is there a problem?
Dick: Is there…the problem…okay. The problem to me is not that this trans woman is walking…running around beating up women in MMA rings. The problem is that we all have to pretend that we're okay with this.
Dick: Okay. That's it for me. I…(stammering) I'm gonna tell you honestly. I don't care about…it doesn't bother me that anyone is getting any kind of gender reassignment anything.
Dick: Or that anyone wants to be anything.
Dick: Not because I'm all for equal rights or anything like that. Just because it doesn't affect me. I don't care.
Dick: I really don't care. I'm thinking about my own shit. All the time. Whatever, you wanna do? That's great.
Dick: Right? I think we can both agree…that I think that.
Maddox: (laughs) (Sean laughs) I think I would agree that you think that, yes.
Dick: Yeah! Now, if you're for it because you want people to be fulfilled and feel good about themselves, and get over whatever, like, psychological things they need to do that gender reassignment thing? That's cool too. Alright?
Dick: Whatever you wanna do.
Dick: But now we're at a point where the pursuit of being happy with yourself has crossed the line into, well, wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute. You need to be…it's okay that you want to be a trans woman, but you also need to be an MMA fighter? This is what we all have to be on board for?
Maddox: Well, are you saying that a trans woman can't be an MMA fighter?
Dick: That's what I'm saying.
Maddox: You're saying they shouldn't be.
Dick: Yeah. I'm saying that I don't want a future where women's MMA championships are like 12 guys…12 drag queens beating each other up.
Maddox: Yeah. (pensive) So, Dick, you brought in a really…I'm gonna give you a real backhanded compliment right now. You brought in a…
Dick: (interjects) Your compliments are always backhanded! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: This one's especially backhanded. Um, you brought in a really interesting problem this week…
Maddox: That is way more interesting than I think you even realize. (laughs)
Dick: Okay, great.
Maddox: (laughs) How's that for backhanded?
Maddox: Sean's shaking his head. Sean grimaced. Um, so, this is…this is super interesting because a while back, I got in an argument with a bunch of people…a bunch of trans people who invaded my Facebook wall.
Maddox: I don't know why, still, exactly to this day, but I guess they took issue with something I said a long time ago in an article about video games, and I was talking about video game female developers, and I included a whole bunch of them, and one of them I included, I was basically shitting on the games and saying they're all…they're mostly boring. Um…
Maddox: Most of the games that have been developed. And one of them was a trans woman who made a game called "Dysphoria", and I said that…there was some throwaway line I had in there as a joke saying something about guiding some tits through a maze. And then I got into this long discussion with them and they were saying that if I referred to her as a man in any way, then I am denying her her own agency to refer to herself in whatever gender she chooses.
Dick: That…there. That's what I'm talking about! That's when it crosses the line…like, that's when it crosses the line into, "Well, I guess you're an MMA fighter too."
Dick: I…I don't know. Like…what do I have to do to make you happy, here.
Maddox: Well, so you've seen…you've seen all these different gender classifications that Facebook has introduced, right? There's over 50 of them.
Dick: You know how disappointed I…like when I heard that announcement, that Facebook let you pick your gender? I hopped out of bed, and I ran over to my computer, so I could make my gender "Sailor Man".
Dick: And I got, like…I clicked the box to get the dropdown of all the genders? And it looked like gibberish to me.
Maddox: Oh yeah.
Dick: Like, I had never…I didn't know what a "cis" was. Like, a "cis" man.
Maddox: That's…white male, straight, capitalist, privileged, dick.
Dick: That's, like, a normal guy, right?
Maddox: Oh yeah, that's…
Dick: (interjects) Like a cis man.
Maddox: Yeah. So cis-gendered means that you are born a male who is straight or born a female who is straight and also align with your born, predisposed sexual orientation.
Maddox: That's what that means.
Dick: Yeah, I remember that day. Which is fine. I don't care!
Maddox: Right. Right.
Dick: I don't care if that's what makes you happy.
Maddox: So, I…so there's this huge kind of…befuddled, weird, ambiguous thing going on right now with gender. It's becoming almost like a spectrum where people can…here are all the options. You can be born a man and identify as a man, and also be straight. Right? But you can also be born a man…
Dick: I mean, you can be, if that's your thing, but, who…let's be honest, who's really that? Come on. (sarcasm)
Maddox: Who knows. So…so…um, you can also be born a man and identify as a man sexually and be gay. But you can also be born a man and identify internally as a woman.
Maddox: And you don't necessarily have to have that surgery. That post-operation surgery.
Dick: Oh, that's a different gender too?
Maddox: That's a different gender, yes.
Dick: What is that?
Maddox: I don't know. (laughs) I honestly don't fucking know. And…and then, to even try to address this person as a man or a woman…
Maddox: Because if you talk to somebody who is pre-op who is a man, for example, who is pre-op, who identifies as being female, but for whatever reason chooses not to go through with the operation, then do we then allow this man, who identifies psychologically as female, to compete in MMA women's wrestling…err, women's fighting?
Dick: No! No!!. Okay, lemme…you know how you mentioned strength? Because that has a lot to do with it, I think.
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear this.
Dick: Uhhh, lemme, so…so, this jackass, Dr. Vilain, the Director of the Institute for Society and Genetics at the University of California, blablablabla. He had this…he gave his opinion to Time Magazine. And he says. Apparently because there's, like, a gender assessment criteria.
Dick: Since the Olympics in the sixties where everybody thought that the Russian women were actually men, they started genetic testing. And the waters are very murky when it comes to genetic testing. Like you…it's not just…you have a Y chromosome or no.
Maddox: What, are they taking leaks in these troughs?
Dick: They're doing everything.
Maddox: (mumbling) You know, murky waters? Alright.
Dick: Uhh…they do flash cards, like shoe sales, one of them? And they got their brains hooked up…(Maddox cracks up) they show, like…
Maddox: To see any spikes of dopamine?
Maddox: Shoe sale?!
Dick: Basically, they just throw out of a bunch of shoes, and if they get in a fight with each other, then they're women and they can compete in the female Olympics.
Maddox: Babies. (creepy tone)
Dick: So, there's like, a lot of grey area and it takes a lot of analysis to get through these. And what this…what this jackass says is "Male to female transsexuals have significantly less muscle strength and bone density and higher fat mass than males." Right? So he's saying they're actually…he's saying that they're at a disadvantage.
Maddox: So, by becoming…going from male to female, they lose muscle density.
Maddox: Is that correct?
Dick: That's what he's saying. And the rules are that they have to have completed the surgery two years ago.
Dick: They have to have been on hormones for two years, and then they're okay.
Dick: Then he says they suffer a loss of muscle strength and bone density. But then, listen to this. Listen to this quote from this woman that Fallon Fox, the trans woman, beat to hell. Listen to a woman that got beat to hell by a trans woman. "Her grip was different. I can only say I've never felt so overpowered ever in my life, and I am an abnormally strong female in my own right. Her grip was different. I can usually move around in the clinch against other females, but I couldn't move at all in Fox's clinch."
Dick: What does that sound like to you? It sounds like man hands to me!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Can you…does that…do those go away? From what I've heard, they sure don't!
Maddox: Yeah, lemme tell the women listeners of our audience right now that once you get man hands, you always have them.
Maddox: They're never gonna go…my hands are always man hands.
Dick: That's a real thing!
Maddox: No, I agree. I agree. My hands are pretty muscly, and…but, the only evidence you need…the smoking gun here is that she has a broken ocular cavity, a broken jaw, and what else, needed what, seven, eight stitches?
Dick: Seven stitches. Yeah.
Maddox: Seven stitches? Does that…is that normal in an MMA fight? How often does that happen?
Dick: I mean, it happens.
Maddox: It happens, sure. But does it happen to this severity.
Dick: Yeah. It'll happen.
Maddox: So what's the issue, Dick? (cracks up) You just avoided your own argument.
Dick: (yelling excitedly) The issue! The issue is that I don't want the...look, look! Women need their own thing! Okay?! Let 'em have it. For God's sake! Just let these women have their women's MMA! Can we do that?! Can we just let 'em have it!? Do we have to cram trans women in there?!
Maddox: Yeah. You know, so, what about this? What about this, Dick, as a middle ground? What if you have a new class, where it's…it's non…I hate to even use this stupid prefix, I'm so fucking tired of it, but non-cis-gendered people, so any kind of trans woman, trans man…all the trans, it's a trans league.
Dick: You know what? I love it.
Dick: I love it. Let's do that.
Maddox: Why not? That would solve this problem.
Dick: Yeah, and I would watch the shit out of it!
Maddox: Of course. I would watch that! I would make that my priority to watch.
Dick: Let's start that league.
Maddox: That sounds fascinating. 'Cause here's the thing…like…suddenly, if I came out today and I said, "Hey guys, psychologically, I identify as a woman, so you have to call me a woman. I get to use women's restrooms." I haven't had the operation or the surgery yet.
Maddox: Right? Nobody should be allowed to doubt my sincerity. And yet, we can. Right? Because if some guy did that and tried to fight in the women's league, then he might just be some dickhead who's trying to pass off as a woman, and he's like, "Well you don't know what's going on inside me."
Dick: Yeah. But they've got the rules. They've got that two years of hormone thing.
Maddox: The two years of hormone. Okay. Alright. Well that would solve that. Alright. Well, there should be…maybe just a trans league. Maybe that would solve that problem.
Dick: A trans league. I'd be happy with that. I just want…I just want these women to have their thing. Is that so wrong?
Dick: You know me. I love women!
Maddox: You do.
Dick: I just want them to have their stupid thing.
Maddox: (cracking up) Spoken like somebody who loves women.
Dick: And for it not to be a problem for them. I don't want them to have to worry about these gigantic trans men beating their eyes out, trans women, excuse me, beating their eye sockets in?
Dick: Listen to this…you wanna hear some of the shit talking that Fallon Fox has been doing?
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Uhh…she posted this on Facebook. "I'm quite sure that there are quite a few female MMA fighters who have the guts to fight another skilled woman without peeing in their panties and saying 'No, I wouldn't fight her.'" Does that sound like something a woman would say? Let's be honest.
Maddox: Uhhhhh, well. I mean…the panties line, yes. And also peeing, 'cause I think as a guy, I would say "pissing".
Maddox: I'm pretty good, actually, at being able to tell whether a writer is female or male based on his or her writing.
Dick: Really? Why? What do you look for?
Maddox: There's subtle differences in language, man. Like, I wrote this article a long time ago for Cosmopolitan Magazine and I turned it in and I thought to myself, there's noooo fucking way they're gonna publish this. 'Cause there were all sorts of inappropriate jokes about balls and shitty dates, and everything. Turns out they did publish it, but the article that they changed…they changed so much that it was unrecognizable from what I turned in, and they changed all my language. Subtle things, like, I never call girls "chicks", or…I mean, sometimes I do, but…like, I never call guys "dudes" when I'm referring to them in third person? Like…
Maddox: Talk to your "dude" and tell him this. I'm like uuggh, that doesn't sound like me at all. Uh-uh.
Dick: No way.
Maddox: Anyway. That's one way you can tell. Also, exclamation marks.
Dick: Oh, they use a shitload of those.
Dick: Yeah. Uhh, let's see if I have anything else about this. "I fought a lot of women and I've never felt strength like that. I can't answer whether it was because she was born a man or not, because I'm not a doctor." That's where we're at. Need a doctor to point that out.
Maddox: Yeah. (sighs) So this, uh, Fallon Fox lady. She's been on hormone therapy for two years?
Maddox: And yet…I mean, I've seen her, she looks like a giant.
Dick: Yeah. Um, yeah. Here's how the decision committee should work on that. She comes in, and if I'm running it, I say "Uhh, you know, no offense, but she looks kind of masculine. Can we get a genetic test done on this woman? To make sure that she's like, eligible to fight other women?" And her trainer, whoever, would say, "Oh well, you know, actually, she used to be a man." And it's like "Okay, then denied."
Dick: This is a dream you can't do.
Maddox: Well, you can, you just have to fight in your own league. I think if you're not born…if you don't identify with the gender you were born with, then you shouldn't be able to fight other people of other genders, necessarily…
Maddox: Unless. Unless there's some kind of equivalent weight system or something going on. 'Cause I feel like…I feel like Rhonda Rousey…"Row-sey", or "Roo-sey"? (background: "Row-sey")
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Rousey. Yeah. I feel like Rhonda Rousey could probably take on a lot of guys. I mean, she's a kickass fighter.
Dick: Yeah. Sure.
Maddox: So where do you…I don't know. Where do you draw the line? 'Cause if you want to allow Rhonda Rousey to fight guys, then why wouldn't you allow this lady to fight Fallon Fox?
Dick: Look, there…they can do it…they're gonna do it, I just don't want the future to be that.
Dick: I just don't want the future to be a bunch of trans women fighting each other.
Maddox: Well Dick, you're in luck, 'cause it doesn't have to be. It's the present. (laughing)
Dick: You know what the problem is, I think, for me, really, is that it's…is it her dream to be an MMA fighter that we can't crush? Is that what we collectively won't do?
Maddox: I guess, yeah. You don't want a little kid in kindergarten to grow up and say, "Hey, can I be a post-op trans woman MMA fighter…"
Maddox: And you don't want to say no to that.
Dick: Is that the line now?
Maddox: I guess.
Dick: That you just can NEVER say no? If someone wants to do it and…ohh, I guess. Yeah.
Maddox: Well, she did it. And she's there.
Dick: She did it.
Maddox: I'm not actually sure what the problem is (laughs) to be honest, Dick. So, every argument I tried to use to support you sounded like it was kind of shot down, so.
Dick: Well, I know it bugs me.
Dick: You wanna do your problem?
Maddox: Something weird about it. Yeah. My problem…
Dick: Hey wait a minute, wait a minute. Before you do your problem, lemme remind you that this episode is brought to you by Harry's! Go to https://www.harrys.com/ and enter promo code "BIGGEST" to get 5 dollars off your first purchase. Maddox, do you know? Do you know what Harry's is?
Maddox: Yeah. It's the shaving company.
Dick: It's the shaving company. They…you can order a shaving kit. Lemme tell you some stuff about them.
Maddox: Which, by the way, I used just this last week.
Maddox: Yeah, we got, like a sample kit.
Dick: For many of us, shaving is a pain, alright? It sucks. It's uncomfortable. It causes nicks, cuts, scrapes, and razor burns, and razor blades today are outrageously expensive.
Dick: Alright. With Harry's shave kits, on average, an everyday user, an everyday shaver saves 150$ per year on blades. Satisfaction is guaranteed and here's something: They own…their high-quality, high-performing German blades are manufactured in Germany in a factory they own.
Maddox: Yeah. They've bought the factory, actually. I read this about Harry's. Yeah. They were testing out a bunch of different blades from different factories and stuff, and they liked the blade so much from this factory in Germany, they bought it, and that's the factory that manufactures all their blades now. And they're…I'm not even saying this…bullshit, like, they're really great.
Dick: So we got…we got shaving kits.
Dick: From them. To try them out.
Dick: What did you think?
Maddox: I loved mine. I liked the shaving gel. It's really high quality. Shoots out like a rocket!
Dick: It does shoot out like a rocket. (laughs)
Maddox: (laughing) You will poke your eye out with this shaving gel. Uh, the speed at which it comes out. But it's a really good gel. The blade, I'm really impressed with. It feels like…it's really sturdy.
Dick: It's heavy.
Maddox: It's heavy.
Dick: Like a gun.
Dick: I liked it.
Maddox: Yessss! Like a cobalt steel gun, right?
Dick: Yeah yeah yeah yeah. It's like an expensive watch or a gun.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Dick: The razor's heavy. I really liked that.
Maddox: Yeah. No, it's nice. It does feel like a good piece.
Dick: So go to https://www.harrys.com/ and enter coupon code "BIGGEST". You get 5 dollars off your first purchase starter set. It's an amazing deal. It's like 15 bucks. You get a razor…moisturizing shaving cream and three razor blades.
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Thank you, Dick.
Maddox: And that would really help out the show. By the way, the transcripts are up. Now we're able to pay for transcriptions for this. So thanks for supporting the show, guys. So, my first problem and only problem this week, because we're running short on time. I've actually brought in…this is a lot of research on this problem. But, it's the iPhone 6.
Dick: (breathes in audibly) Oh boy.
Dick: Heeeeeeeere we go.
Maddox: Great, Dick. What do you have to say about it?
Dick: Nothing! (yells) I actually, I think my response is gonna surprise you.
(Voice clip of Dick: "You know what? Maybe I am a fuckin' idiot.") (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Dick: When did I say that?!
Maddox: Yeah, I don't even know. A listener sent that in to me. Reverend Scott. He sent that in from Twitter.
Dick: Oh. (dejected)
Maddox: So funny. Um, so the iPhone 6. Alright? I'm just gonna go out on a limb here and say that it's a big piece of shit.
Maddox: No, no. I retract that. It's the biggest piece of shit. The biggest piece of shit technology. First of all, there's no storage expansion on this phone.
Maddox: Still. STILL. No storage expansion. When did the first iPhone come out? What was it, 2003? 2004?
Maddox: I think it was 2003, right? Still. In over a decade, they still haven't put in an expansion slot. You only have the options of 16 or 64 gigs, or 128 gigs. So this is what Apple thinks. So, the base model is the 16 gig one, right?
Maddox: That one costs 300$. So, to get four times more storage, to go from 16 to 64 gigs? That costs 100$. Apple is saying "Fuck you. We think that a 64 gig memory card costs 100$." An SD card.
Dick: Oh. I didn't think of it like that. But yeah.
Dick: Okay, that's kind of a rip off. (laughs)
Maddox: And then, if you want 128 gigs, guess what? You're only getting two times more, but you're still paying an extra 100$!
Dick: Yeah, I'm with you on that.
Dick: That's a pretty big "Fuck you."
Maddox: Yeah. So you're paying 200$ to go from a 16 gig drive to a 128 gig drive. Which is essentially just two SD cards. Two 64-bit SD cards. Which cost nothing! Every iPhone looks like a shattered piece of shit? Huh? Have you ever noticed this?! Every one of your friends has a shitty, shattered piece of shit iPhone?
Dick: Nooooo. But I've seen shitty shattered Androids, too, haven't I?
Maddox: No! They're all iPhones!
Dick: Nobody has a shattered Android?
Maddox: Oh. Occasionally, you might come across one by a real moron who probably owned an iPhone before.
Dick: I feel like that's…your first one was better.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Dick: 'Cause they both shatter. Everything shatters.
Maddox: Seriously. I'm not bullshitting you, dude. There are just as many Androids out on the market, if not more, and I rarely see a shattered Android. I ALWAYS see shattered iPhones.
Dick: Oookayyy. (skeptical) What's your next?
Maddox: So. The screen can crack from heat while charging. Did you hear about this? This is a problem that's not even in the news yet. This is like, breaking news stuff right here on the Biggest Problem in The Universe. Okay? My friend on Facebook posted that she was just charging her iPhone and the heat from the battery caused the screen to crack.
Dick: She didn't sit on it on accident?
Maddox: No! It was sitting on a table. She didn't sit on it!
Dick: (laughs) Alright. I mean…
Maddox: Yeah. And then…and then, I read on forums this is happening all over the place. People are having their screens shatter just my charging. The heat causes the screen to crack.
Dick: I want you to have, like, a science lab that's solely dedicated to shitting on the iPhone. Like where you have all these experiments going to fuck around (laughs). Like a fake console in a car that you have, like, an iPhone plugged into to see when it catches on fire.
Dick: Like, if you charge it wrong?
Maddox: Oh boy. Um…that would be a neverending job. All the problems with iPhone. The material they use to make the case is too thin, right? These shitty phones are bending.
Dick: I saw that.
Dick: Oh, that's bad.
Maddox: You know what the problem is? It turns out that bullshit is not that flexible.
Maddox: They need to stop using so much of it in the case. So, they have a lower screen pixel density than most Android phones. Most modern Android phones. So…what that means..
Dick: (interjects) Nah, I don't care about that.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Well what that means, Dick! Is that when you're running your grubby fingers across your disgusting iPhone, it's less responsive! It's 326 ppi. Pixels per inch.
Dick: Uh-huh. (skeptical)
Maddox: Which is less responsive than most modern Android phones.
Dick: Yeah, but here's the thing. Okay. Here's where I'm coming from.
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Dick: Because usually…no no no no, I want you to continue this, because it's interesting.
Maddox: Oh, I will.
Dick: But just for some context. I usually defend the shit out of iPhones.
Dick: Because I have one and I like it. And I almost upgraded to the iPhone 6, like, the day it came out. Like, I was up at midnight when it was launched and somebody texted me and said "Hey, make sure you get your upgrade before it sells out." And it was like holy shit, I really fuckin' want this iPhone, I better do it right now, right? But then I thought about it and I'm like, you know, I'm not really that happy with my iPhone anymore, and all the things that Tim Cook's been doing have been kind of pissing me off. I don't like….
(Voice clip of Dick: "Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am.") (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Maybe…what is that?
Maddox: (laughing) Just another clip he sent in.
(Voice clip of Dick: "Maybe I think I'm a lot smarter than I am.") (They both crack up)
Dick: Look, I'm proving your point!
Dick: I think I'm kinda ready to switch. Like, ordinarily, I think a lot of your concerns about the iPhone are kind of, like, stupid.
Dick: Like the storage expansion? Like, who gives a shit? What are you gonna, what are you walking around with, like, a plastic Ziplock bag full of memory cards in your pocket that you need to switch your albums out?
Maddox: You know, everyone always says that!! (yelling) I say, yes, if I'm gonna carry around an extra SD card, I CAN. I have the option to! Every fucking…that's the DEFAULT argument of an iPhone user. "Oh, I wouldn't use that anyway." Well guess what? You can't. They've taken that option and ability away from you. If I WANT to, I can, and sometimes, I might. It's (stammers) it's like oh, tell that to Nintendo with the Nintendo DS. The most successful, the most popular handheld video game system in HISTORY. Everyone walked around with little game cartridges, didn't they? Nobody complained about that! But yet…
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, everyone? Like…children.
Maddox: People who owned them.
Dick: It's video games for kids. (laughs)
Maddox: And 30-year-olds, sometimes. (cracks up)
Dick: (laughing) How many video game cartridges would you walk around with!?
Maddox: You know, like three or four if I'm going on a flight! They're as thin as a penny!
Dick: Yeah, okay.
Maddox: You carry around a couple quarters? You carry around a couple SD cards. It makes no difference.
Dick: Alright, but here's the thing. It's still…an iPhone is still nicer to use. Here's the thing you're gonna miss. (Maddox sighs, disgusted) This is the thing you're missing that all of us iPhone users know.
Dick: Your connection with the device is better on an iPhone than it is on an Android. The user experience of using an iPhone is just better than the clunky, shitty Android where nothing makes sense.
Maddox: Dick, how well your mouth forms a suction over the iPhone's dick is none of my business. (Dick laughs) Right? 'Cause guess what. The iPhone is STILL. STILL not waterproof. The newest Nexus 5 is. You can put that thing right under a fucking swimming pool. No problem.
Dick: Wait, can you really?!
Maddox: Yes!!! People have thrown that thing right into a pool while it works. They worked it underwater.
Dick: And it still works!? (incredulous)
Maddox: Still works. It's completely waterproof.
Dick: Look, I'm telling you. I'm telling you flat out.
Dick: If you convince me, I will switch to the fuckin' Android.
Maddox: You know what, Dick? I don't want you to switch to Android.
Dick: No no! I'm…this is a challenge for you.
Maddox: No. I don't want you to.
Dick: Okay, well, maybe I'll just get an iPhone 6.
Maddox: Good. Good. Stay…stay with your…
Dick: Maybe I'll get the 128 gig model, too. (grinning)
Maddox: Good. Stay with your shitty ecosystem. Why don't you put…wear your fucking weird cult clothes and go into your Genius bar with your tail between your legs every time you gotta get a new battery, 'cause you can't replace your own battery with iPhones.
Dick: I'm just saying!!
Maddox: Like a fucking dunce.
Dick: That waterproof thing was kind of titillating.
Maddox: Yeah. And, it's dustproof. Because it's waterproof, it's also dustproof.
Dick: Who gives a shit about dust?
Maddox: And iPhones aren't. 'Cause dust gets under your screen and it looks like shit!!! (yelling) Mr. Burning Man!
Dick: UNDER your screen!? (incredulous)
Maddox: Yes! You should…you…I mean, you're lucky yours doesn't, because at Burning Man with all that dust with the hippies dancing around. Like you would have gotten a storm under your iPhone!
Dick: I don't carry my phone around at Burning Man. What are you talking about?
Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause you don't want dust in it.
Dick: You know what Burning Man's about. It's not about phones. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: So, no wireless charging. Still. On iPhones. Did you know this was a thing?!
Dick: Ehhh, I don't care about that.
Maddox: See?!?! iPhone users…..(frantic) cause you don't know it exists!!!!!!!!!!!
Dick: 'Cause you have good reasons, but then you have all these shitty pros, too, like wireless charging. What am I, a superhero? I gotta walk around, like, collecting energy from…it's just…wireless charging works…you just set it on a pad, right?
Dick: So, just plug it in instead. Like I need a fucking pad sitting out looking stupid in my apartment all the time.
Maddox: If you have a pad, it's just something you place anywhere you go. You don't need to carry extra shit with you all the time, like cables! You know what, Dick? No. You're not a superhero with wireless charging…
Maddox: You're a slave without it. Because what you do…every single iPhone user carries around their charger and they plug, they're tethered to the wall, like a slave.
Dick: So wait a minute. You're saying that at, like, a coffee shop, they'll have a charging pad that (Maddox: Yes. Yes.) you just come in and plop it down?
Dick: Does that actually exist?
Dick: Or at a bar?
Maddox: Yes. At kiosks.
Maddox: They're doing this. This is something that iPhone users are missing out on.
Maddox: So you don't have to carry around a bunch of BULLSHIT with you to charge your phone all the time!
Dick: Look, you got me on two things now.
Maddox: Mhmmm. The battery life is horrible. On an iPhone 6. This is something that iPhone users cannot cede to because they love their stupid phones and their stupid cult so much. But it barely lasts a day with just average use. It's only 1800 milliamps. The Galaxy S5, released five months before, is 2800 milliamps.
Dick: What the fuck does that mean? How many hours does it last?
Maddox: A third longer.
Maddox: So, if an iPhone lasts a day, the Nexus 5…or, I'm sorry, the Galaxy S5 would last a day and a third longer. Like an extra eight hours.
Dick: No no no. I'll tell you how that translates to me. My iPhone is always running out of batteries right at the wrong time.
Maddox: Yep. Right. Oh, I know, Dick! It's always fucking off! You're so unreliable. I can't get a hold of you! You could…you barely have enough juice to run this kitchen timer that you're running over here. Which, by the way, has lit up the room like a lightbulb. So…
Dick: So if I had a Nexus…a Galaxy…what is it called?
Maddox: The Galaxy S5, a Nexus…any…and you could use ANY charger…
Dick: Yeah, but here's the problem. Which one is it?
Maddox: Any of them.
Dick: Yeah. But which one.
Maddox: Get the M8. The HTC-One M8. Get the Galaxy S5. Get the Nexus 5.
Dick: No. This is again, another Android fuckup. It's overwhelming to have to choose between a bunch of different models. 'Cause you know you're getting fucked on something.
Maddox: Dick, what you're getting fucked on is your main phone. Your main communication device. By getting an iPhone 6. 'Cause it's bending in your fucking pocket! (yells)
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: It's a piece of shit! And then the guy who bent the phone just as a test, tried to bend it back and it cracked his screen. (Dick laughs) Garbage. And then Apple's doing a bunch of damage control by saying "Oh well, here's our testing lab and here's what we do." And they have all this high-tech machinery. Guess what? Why don't you just get a dipshit hipster with some skinny jeans in there? By the way, Dick, that other dumbass who called in at the beginning of the show saying that he's drinking his fucking regular whiskey with his handlebar mustaches, I bet that hipster iPhone user has skinny jeans.
Dick: Well, I don't know.
Dick: We'll have to call him. I got his number.
Maddox: Yeah. I'm sure you got his number. So, this is from Wired. Wired Magazine. They're writing this review, kay? This guy loves sucking iPhone's dick so much. Listen to this. (Dick laughs) He says "Other than Lumia 1020, I've never managed to take such great photos and videos with a phone." That's what he says. So, he says here…so he just said that, right?
Maddox: He said "There's nothing bad to say about this camera. The camera hardware and software represent a new gold standard. Everything about this phone is, at first blush, a new gold standard."
Dick: Mmmm…that's a little much.
Maddox: So he…yeah. He just admitted that the Nokia Lumia 1020 phone camera is better than the iPhone's. Which it is!
Maddox: And it came out, I think almost a year ago.
Dick: Oh that's another phone?
Dick: The Lumia whatever?
Maddox: The Lumia 1020.
Dick: Okay. Is that an Android?
Maddox: No. It's a Windows phone.
Dick: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Maddox: Oh no. Not more choice! Not more options! Dick wants just one restaurant to go to.
Maddox: Spaghetti Factory for Dick. (background laughter)
Dick: I don't even want a restaurant. I just want a box of food to show up at my door every day. (laughs) Like in prison.
Maddox: There you go. There you go, idiot. Here's your Taco Bell. So, yeah. The Nokia Lumia 1020 phone, which came out, I think almost a year before the iPhone 6, still the most advanced, the most incredible camera on the market. This phone is…I mean, the camera is just mind blowing.
Maddox: It's more advanced than most point-and-shoot cameras. So, this guy…just a paragraph later, he said that it's a "new gold standard".
Dick: The iPhone's is?
Maddox: Yeah. (incredulous)
Dick: It's got a pretty good camera.
Maddox: Yeah. Sure. Just not the best. And it's not a gold standard.
Dick: Yeah. Alright.
Maddox: Yeah. So the Nokia Lumia came out in September of 2013. Here's another quote from this Wired article. It says, "After four days, I have a slightly bent, slightly scratched phone." (laughs)
Dick: (laughs) I read this article, man.
Maddox: Just four days.
Dick: No, I know. And this is why I'm on the fence.
Dick: Like, I never thought I would not have an iPhone.
Dick: 'Cause I've got all these FUCKING apps.
Maddox: They're all on Android!
Dick: Yeah, but I gotta buy them again!
Maddox: Well, don't…you know what? You buy one Android device, you're part of the Android ecosystem. Everything is backed up immediately…
Dick: Neeeeeehh, this sounds like…this sounds like a con.
Maddox: This sounds like an iPhone, right? Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. This sounds like a sales pitch. Get the fuck out of here.
Maddox: No, you know, I regret saying it.
Dick: Say it right.
Maddox: I regret saying ecosystem.
Dick: Say it with more swearing.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay. So you get a fuckin' iPhone…you get an Android and everything is backed up on the contact list. I've NEVER had to export my contacts from one phone to another. If I LOSE my phone, I don't give a shit. Everything is already backed up. Everything's going just fine. I never lose contacts. I never lose calendar syncing.
Dick: I don't lose that shit.
Maddox: Yeah, well now, 'cause Apple followed Google's lead…which, people don't even know. The notification bar on an iPhone is so obfuscated because they've been trying to copy Android's. And by the way, I'm gonna give credit where credit is due here. Right? Android copied a lot of shit from iPhone.
Dick: Yeah, everything.
Maddox: A lot of things.
Maddox: Which pisses me off, because they copied a lot of stupid shit that drives me nuts. iOS is a shitty operating system.
Dick: Look, I'm concerned about my apps.
Dick: I'm telling you I'm not upgrading to an iPhone because I'm thinking about going Android. Alright?
Dick: Don't get pissed off at me! This is your dream!!
Maddox: I don't give a shit! No!
Dick: You don't give a shit about people switching from iPhones to Androids?
Maddox: No!!! That's the difference between people who use PCs and people who use Macs! People who use Macs are in a cult and they care a LOT about you switching! (yells) It's like people who live in New York! They want you to move to New York! But people who live in California or people who use PCs don't give a FUCK what you use! I don't give a shit. Use whatever you wanna use! (yelling still) (Dick laughs) Use iPhones! Use your fucking bullshit Macs! Pay more for your shitty hardware! I don't give a FUCK! 'Cause I'm using my PC. I'm fine over here getting my work done. You guys are dicking around with your fucking touch screen no button bullshit phone! Throw that shit away, bent in your fucking skinny jeans bullshit pocket with your shitty whiskey and your handlebar mustaches! Fuck you!! (everyone laughing)
Dick: How…after that sales pitch, can you EVER be surprised that someone would buy an iPhone? (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: Good! I don't give a fuck! Buy your iPhones! I don't care.
Dick: iPhone rebuttal is "Hi, welcome to the Apple store." (Maddox cracking up) Sold. You mean that guy? Screaming at me?! About Androids? He's not here? I'm in for life!
Maddox: Oh man, you guys piss me off.
Sean: Wait, I have a question.
Sean: How long has the 5 been out? The iPhone 5.
Dick: The iPhone 5?
Maddox: About a year and a half.
Sean: Yeah! Not that long…I mean, the 4 was out forever, right? Before they introduced…then they were the S and then they introduced the 5. But it was like YEARS…
Sean: 'Cause I'm just wondering…why did they hurry up so bad to…it seems like some basic R&D would fix a lot of these problems. I mean, see, they didn't know the fuckin' thing would BEND? Or…or the screen would melt from battery usage?
Dick: You think it's a Steve Jobs thing? Like, he's not there and then everything goes to hell?
Maddox: Well, so there's kind of a dichotomy of this problem here, right? First, it's Tim Cook, because Tim Cook REALLY fought, I guess there was an internal battle at Apple. Tim Cook was really pushing to have the bigger phones come out to compete with the Galaxy Note.
Maddox: Everybody loved the Galaxy Note when it came out. Everyone made fun of it, but people want the bigger screens, right? So, Tim Cook finally got his way…
Dick: (interjects) I don't. I think they look stupid.
Maddox: I do too. But they're very functional. They're very easy to read. You get a lot of real estate. They're nice phones. So, Tim Cook fought, I guess, Steve Jobs about this, and he finally got his way, 'cause Steve Jobs was too dead to have a rebuttal. (Dick cracks up) So, Tim Cook got his bigger phone and it's out there and there's no real-world testing. But yet, they're so staunchly adhering to that stupid iPhone ethos, which is, "Let's keep things thin and tiny and simple as possible" to the detriment of functionality, which is my problem with every fucking Apple product. They minimize to the expense of functionality. Which is exactly what happened and why you're getting a bunch of bent-ass shitty phones.
Maddox: What do you got to say, Dick?
Dick: No, I'm telling you that I agree with…
Maddox: (interjects) Good.
Dick: Look! iPhone lost me when they stuck U2 on my phone.
Dick: Do you know how fucking embarrassing it was to plug my phone into this girl's charger in her car and have U2 come out of the speakers? And I'm thinking it's her, 'cause I HATE U2 and would never listen to U2!
Dick: But it's playing for minutes, and then I realize suddenly, like, I see on the dash, that it's like auxiliary mode? To my HORROR, it's coming out of my phone!
Dick: And I'm like "I don't know what's going on here." Like, I swear to God, I swear to God I would never have U2 on my phone! And then I found out…it was explained to me later that Apple just bent everyone over.
Dick: And pumped U2 into our ass.
Dick: Whether we like it or not.
Maddox: You know what, Dick? That's a lawsuit on your hands. You know? Because they damaged your reputation.
Dick: They really did. They really did. I'll never recover from that.
Sean: Did you guys see the picture of the homeless guy with the sign that said "Will remove U2 from your iPhone for a dollar."? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That's funny.
Dick: Will he really do it? 'Cause I don't know how to get mine off.
Sean: I don't know. Maybe he has a secret.
Maddox: Apple. iTunes. Just works.
Dick: So I got a lot of thinking to do…
Maddox: (interjects) Wait wait, real quick, I got a U2…I got a Bono story.
Maddox: So I saw Bono in a bar, uhh…a couple of weeks ago. Yeah. I went to this bar and…I'm there with a buddy of mine and he goes "Hey, tsss, check out behind you, there's Bono sitting there." Like, there's no way Bono's here, 'cause there would be a huge mob of idiots sitting there waiting for autographs or whatever. Sure enough, he's sitting right behind me with some old dude in this…on this couch. And this big, heavy bouncer is kind of standing in front of him. So people haven't really noticed. Just every now and then, someone walks by and kind of catches a glimpse of him. And sure enough, it's Bono. And, you know, he's sitting there with his douchebag glasses in his douchebag chair and his douchebag face and having a conversation. And then all these, like, really hot girls started finding out and they came over and sat on his lap, whatever. Now, I don't give a fuck about celebrities. I don't give a shit. But…so I don't take photos of them. It's just something I don't do. However, I don't respect Bono. I think he's a douchebag.
Maddox: And I wanted to take a photo of him because I wanted to treat him like an animal in a zoo. Right? So, normally, my flash is always permanently off on my phone. However…(laughing) when I took the first photo, the flash went off. Like an idiot. I'm like "Oh, fuck." So he looks right over at me and I'm like fiddling on my phone, turning off the flash, so I can take a bunch of pictures, or whatever, 'cause I would love NOTHING more than a picture with Bono. 'Cause I'd be flipping off in the photo and I'd put it up on my website like, "Yeah, fuck this idiot." So anyway, this lady marches over to me, like a hen, right?
Dick: Oh, like a PR lady.
Maddox: Yeah, the PR lady walks over to me. She goes, "No photos. No photos!" I said "Okay, yeah, whatever." And she's like "Gimme your phone. Delete those." I said, "Uh, no?"
Dick: No way. (laughs)
Maddox: She said "You have to give me your phone right now." I said "No, I'm not giving you my phone." What are you gonna do? Who are you? You're not…you don't even fucking…who are you?
Maddox: So she's like "You need to leave." And I'm like "Well, I was leaving anyway, 'cause it's last call and they're kicking everyone out, but thanks." So, uhhh, as I'm walking out…because she caused all this commotion with Bono…
Dick: Well, YOU caused all this commotion.
Maddox: Yeah. Whatever. So then, then, just by chance…
Dick: (interjects) Semantics.
Maddox: Yeah, oh yeah, sure. So just by chance, when I turned around to go up the stairs, Bono was right in front of me. Like, I was closer to Bono than anyone, including his own posse. So then I get home and I tell my buddy this story.
Dick: You didn't take a picture then? Like over the shoulder?
Maddox: Nah. It's the back of his head.
Dick: Oh it's the back of his head. Alright.
Maddox: Yeah it's the back of his head. He's, like, walking out with his stupid Hawaiian shirt. So, I'm walking home…
Dick: (interjects) You know what you gotta do? You gotta turn around and, like, point the camera up, and be like hey, there's a naked chick over there! And when he turns around, take it real fast.
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah. Well, I guess there's some controversy, too, because awhile back he was caught with a bunch of…I guess he was photographed with a bunch of chicks and he's married and there's all this shit going on. So anyway, I went home and I told my buddy this, and I told him that he was wearing his douchebag shades at night in a bar.
Maddox: And he goes, "Oh, you know why that is. It's 'cause Bono has a condition with his eyes." And I'm like, "What? That isn't…what kind of condition requires you to constantly wear stupid sunglasses indoors all the time?" and I looked it up, and sure enough, there's a Wikipedia article that says that he did an interview with the Rolling Stones a long time ago and he said he has some weird eye condition where if he sees bright lights or flashes…(Dick cracks up)…it causes his eyes to swell…
Dick: Like a gremlin?! (laughing) God.
Maddox: Yeah! It causes his eyes to swell. And he sees flashes all day. And I thought, "Wow, it's a real condition!"
Dick: Horseshit! No way that's real!
Maddox: Yeah. No. That's a real condition. And then I felt bad that I didn't turn on my flash for the rest of the photos!! (yelling)
Maddox: Keep flashing right in his fuckin' face! I hate Bono. And his stupid fucking U2 on iTunes and iPhone. Anyway man. Yeah. You got a lawsuit on your hands.
Dick: Well, I got a lot to think about.
Dick: Cause I'm really…I'm really thinking about making the switch, and I dunno why I thought you would be helpful…
Maddox: (interjects) No…(laughing)
Dick: …'Cause you've just been a tremendous asshole about it.
Maddox: Do not. I don't care. You know what? Androids are terrible. Don't switch.
Dick: You know what? I'm gonna do it just to spite you!
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, do. Do! (laughs)
Dick: And then I'll know…I'm gonna go research the shit out of it…and I'll be…I'll say I always did Androids and be like a brand evangelist.
Dick: And like, every time…
(Voice clip of Dick: "You know what? Maybe I am a fuckin' idiot!")
Maddox: (cracking up) I love that so much. Alright, lemme get through this list, we're running out of time. Um, so, he says…he says there are three small…this is the same guy from Wired.
Dick: Yeah yeah.
Maddox: He says "There are three small, distinct scratches and I have no idea how I got them there." He didn't carry his keys in his pocket and he didn't do anything unusual with it. In four days, he got three scratches on his screen and it bent. He says "There's a wobble when you put it on the table." He says "There are some other minor quirks."
Dick: I couldn't take that. Can you imagine the phone just wobbling all the fuckin' time?
Dick: I couldn't take that, man.
Maddox: Well that's the case he was making. He said "iPhones are luxury products."
Maddox: You don't expect them to wobble when you put them on the table.
Dick: No, no no. You gotta throw it away.
Maddox: It's garbage! So he says there are some other minor quirks. The camera doesn't always open from the lock screen.
Dick: Okay, so.
Maddox: What kind of world class product…
Dick: (interjects) So it works some of the time. (laughs) Basically.
Maddox: Yeah…okay. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. "The apps crash too frequently, and even Apple's own apps." Right?
Dick: Jesus Christ. (laughing)
Maddox: "The biggest downside to me is that iOS 8 just isn't as productive or customizable an operating system as Android is." That's true. It's not. It's garbage. You can't customize anything. And here's one of the examples! There's no email button on the Home screen. Did you know that? You have to launch an app or go to the notifications to see how many messages you got. On iOS 8.
Dick: What are you talking about?
Maddox: Yeah. There's no…they don't have, like, the email…
Dick: (interjects) It's not like the little thing, and it has the number of how many emails you haven't answered?
Maddox: Nope. Not according to him. He says they removed that. And then he says "There's no Google Now integration." It's not by default integrated. But…this is something that iPhone users don't have any idea bout. Do you know what Google Now is?
Maddox: It is probably the most impressive piece of software I've used in years. It's just installed on Android phones and what it does, is it combs through…when you log in, you sync up your Gmail account to your phone.
Maddox: If you get a phone…if you get an email confirmation from an airline, say you bought a ticket, you're going to Denver, and you're leaving this afternoon, or tomorrow. It'll send you an email and say "Hey, your flight number is this. Your gate number is this. This is when you need to leave to the airport to get there on time."
Maddox: Yep. "This is what the best route is. Click here to navigate."
Dick: Can you put how close you want to shave to your flight? (Maddox laughs) Like, 'cause it's gotta give, like, a normal person…I wanna walk right…first of all, I want to yell at an employee and say "Hey, I'm late for my flight! I can't wait in this line!"
Dick: And then they're like "Well, what flight?" "This flight! It's leaving in, like, 32 minutes! I gotta get there right now!" and they're like, "Okay sir! You can jump the queue." I did that last week. I was flying to Indiana. Right to the front, man.
Dick: Passed, like, a two-hour line. It was awesome.
Dick: Do they have an option where you can set, like, how big of an asshole you want to be at the airport? So you can…
Maddox: Dick, the answer is yes. (laughing) (Dick laughs) They got that. They got it. You're covered. 'Cause it'll read your email habits.
Maddox: You know what though? Seriously. This thing is amazing. If you're just…if you are going to lunch, it will know you're going to lunch, because based on the other scheduled you have, the other things that you have on your calendar, and it will recommend restaurants for you in the area. Not only, like, random restaurants, restaurants that you like, that you go to based on emails that you've sent to your friends, or whatever…
Maddox: It's amazing software. It's an AMAZING piece of software.
Dick: Okay, listen to me.
Dick: My only problem with the Android is that when I sit down to use it, it feels like garbage.
Dick: Like, it just feels weird. I don't know where everything is.
Maddox: Dick, what's the last Android phone you used? 'Cause there are good and bad Androids.
Dick: Uhhhhhhh, probably like two years ago.
Maddox: Okay. So, based on 2012 technology, you didn't like Android. You know how many different versions have come out since then? You know…saying you don't like Android is like saying you don't like cars. "No, I drove a car once. I didn't care for it."
Dick: Yeh. (subdued)
Maddox: I don't care…I don't care for sports car.
Dick: Hey, fuck it man, I'm switching. I don't want a bendy piece of shit full of U2 in my pocket.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I hope you don't.
Dick: What's next, Coldplay? Do I gotta have an…iPhone with Coldplay on it, is that next?
Maddox: Might as well be. Your stupid cult. Alright, what's your last problem?
Dick: Well, I think we're out of time. You want me to…I'm gonna save my last problem until next time.
Maddox: Okay, well then we got a tight hour.
Dick: So we got, what are our…what are our problems this week? (Maddox laughs) We have "Transgendered MMA Fighters".
Dick: And that's it, buddy.
Maddox: Oh, that's right, yeah, you only had the one. And the "iPhone 6".
Maddox: Which is the biggest piece of shit in the universe.
Dick: Yeah, I don't…I think um…I think mine's worse. I think mine's a bigger problem.
Maddox: It's…I'm not even sure you made the case that it is a problem at all. (laughs) Because we agreed that the girl who fought, what's her name, Fox? Fallon Fox?
Dick: Yeah, but she has to! What's she gonna say, no?!
Dick: She's gotta get in the ring! That's how boxing works! That's how fighting works! You gotta say yes!
Maddox: No, you don't! Look at Mayweather! He's been a pussy about fighting Pacquiao for years!
Dick: Because he's on top! When you're on top, that's what you do!
Sean: I know something about this! A little something about this.
Dick: Are you…the way you say it implies that we don't, though. That's what annoyed me immediately.
Sean: Well, I want…well, yeah. But you should be used to that by now, right? There's a big difference in the way boxing matches are made versus, let's say, the UFC works. Because Dana White, like, in the UFC, and this happened outside the UFC, right?
Dick: Yeah. She's…never gonna fight in the UFC.
Sean: Okay. I dunno how her…that system works, exactly, but in boxing, the promoters are all-powerful. Like they can…you'd think that other people would be influential in, you know, networks, or HBO, or Showtime, or whoever the fighters are signed with. They can't make those fights. The promoters are all-powerful. In the case of, like, the UFC, like, Dana White is God and you really can't say no to him if you're a fighter.
Dick: Well, he's never…he's never gonna let Fallon Fox in. Like…
Sean: (interjects) Oh, I'm sure he won't.
Dick: Like they asked him about it and he goes…they were like, "Well, what do you think about a trans woman fighting in the UFC?" and he goes, "Um, she's not a good enough fighter." Like oh.
Maddox: That's a very good answer.
Dick: Good answer.
Maddox: Very diplomatic. Skirted everything.
Sean: Yeah, but no. My point was just to back Dick's argument up a little bit, is like, in UFC and stuff, Dana White says you're gonna fight another guy? Like, you're gonna fight, 'cause he's like "This is what the fans are gonna want to see. This is gonna make us a shitload of money." So maybe that league works like that, too. Maybe she…it was like…"Hey, I'm gonna be out of this league if I don't fight." So she went and got her face fuckin' bashed in.
Maddox: Well. So, uhhh…not a problem. And then we've got the iPhone 6.
Sean: Just like that! Not a problem. (laughing)
Maddox: (laughing) Not a problem at all. So, I'm really curious Dick, 'cause this will show how many iPhone zealots we have in our fan base. Which shouldn't be many, 'cause I have done nothing but RAIL on the iPhone basically since it came out.
Dick: Yeah, but we don't care. It's funny.
Maddox: Who doesn't care?! You guys….
Dick: We iPhone people. 'Cause I was an iPhone person for years. I've had two of these stupid things.
Dick: No, I've had THREE of these stupid things. But I'm…I'm over it.
Maddox: Okay. Alright, well, maybe you'll come to the Android side. Maybe not. I don't care either way. Stay with your stupid iPhone. I don't give a shit. I don't give a shit. Alright, well that's it for this week. Vote on these problems at http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com/ and thanks to Harry's, who are sponsoring us this week.
Dick: Enter promo code "BIGGEST" to get 5 bucks off. And give it a shot, it's actually, um, I liked it.
Dick: (grinning) Thanks for listening.