The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 13Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyyy! How's it goin', everybody? I got sad news to start the show off.
Maddox: Oh, let's hear it.
Dick: I was the biggest problem in the universe last week for like, a couple days with Armchair Psychologists, but as of right now, I am losing to Slacktivists. (glumly)
Dick: Which I don't think are as big of a problem as armchair psychologists! But, the listeners disagree with me.
Maddox: Slacktivists are a superset of armchair psychologists. So, slacktivists - a lot of them are armchair psychologists, and then they take that and try to make it some kind of action. They try to make a call to action based on their stupid theories.
Maddox: So that's why; it's a superset.
Dick: I tell ya, you lost me with the math stuff right away, with "superset." (Maddox laughs) I'm out. I'm checked out.
Maddox: Apparently a Venn diagram is too math-y.
Dick: AHHH-HAAAAH. (playfully frustrated) (Maddox laughs) Alright, who won? Who won last week?
Maddox: The number one problem from last week was The Nuremberg Defense -
Maddox: - followed by Hyphenated Names, and then Anti-Cyclists, and dead last is your bullshit Too Much Swearing problem, Dick.
Dick: You know, um, I'll cop to that. That was -- I listened to myself last week, and I sounded like an idiot. Uh...
Maddox: A huge pussy, right?
Dick: Yeah. Um, but here's why I brought that in, and I didn't get into it on the show - and I don't know why I got really excited about that Cuss Control Academy, 'cause it was so funny -
Dick: - but one of the reasons that I don't swear as much on this show is 'cause I don't want this show, and you specifically...you know, 'the Maddox podcast,' to get written off as, like, that show where everybody swears all the time.
Maddox: Oh, that's...that's a positive thing. That's definitely a positive - like, that's the show that I wanna listen to, is that show - "Oh, they swear all the time? Sign me up, buddy. I'm in."
Dick: Alright, well again, I think I'm gonna sound like a pussy *again.*
Maddox: Yeah! (laughs)
Dick: (cracking up) So I'm just digging it deeper -- I only know how to dig my way outta things, uh, you're probably right.
Maddox: Well, I'm glad you mentioned that, because I have a couple of comments that address that.
Dick: About me being a pussy?
Maddox: Yeah. Well...more or less. (Dick sighs) This one actually - this guy says he actually agrees with you, his name is Joey Rogers. He left a comment on the website, http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com -- leave your comments there and we'll read 'em on the show -- he says, "Actually, the more I think about it, Dick IS right about swearing excessively. Why he feels the need to say things like 's-word' is beyond me (seriously, Dick, knock that shit off) but he does make me think of hearing children swear - they do it excessively and it makes them seem foolish as a result."
Maddox: Wrong, Joey! They seem foolish because they're children, not because they swear too much. AND - and, he says, "There is a sweet spot with profanity, and overuse just cheapens the emphasis it's supposed to give." Now, Joey, you said you're agreeing with Dick, but that's actually the point I made on the show.
Dick: Fuck you. (Maddox laughs) That's for you, Joey. Well, here's what I'm saying - and I wanna add to what he's saying - uh, I don't swear unless I feel the hate in my heart. (Maddox chuckles) And then I let the swear-- you know, 'cause that's authentic swearing. You gotta feel it in your heart, and then it just comes out of you like a...like a Care Bear, except Hate. (Sean laughs in the background) Like, it shoots out of your chest in this beam of sludge and tox...toxin, and that's what swearing is to me. So if I don't FEEL it, in my heart, I'll say like, "Oh, s-this, f-that, f-this..." but when I *feel* it -
Dick: - like when I'm looking at you in your eyes and I'm like, "You know what, Maddox? Why don't you just go fuck yourself with this problem."
Maddox: Yeah, well, William Itsasoftj Judge - how do you like that, William? I'm not gonna pronounce the soft 'J' - says, "Tell Dick to never censor his swear words, especially in a meeting or argument. If he did that…"
Dick: (interjects) In a meeting? (amused)
Maddox: Yeah, "If he did..." (cracks up along with Dick)
Maddox: This guy's pretty hard. So he says, "If he did that at the weekly meetings I go to in the Air Force..."
Dick: (interjects) Ohhh.
Maddox: "...he would be targeted for sure. Either swear or don't swear. Saying something like, 'What an a-hole' says to someone like me that you're limited in what you will and will not do. If you have something I want, I will immediately start thinking about how to take what you have based on your current limitations."
Dick: Oh, bring it on! That's what this guy's saying? He's gonna fight me anytime, anywhere?
Maddox: Sounds like! Yeah!
Dick: What's his name?
Maddox: William Itsasoftj Judge.
Dick: Alright, bring it on William Gudge! (Maddox laughs) Is that how you say that?
Maddox: Hahaha, "Gudge."
Dick: "Gudge"? Is that a soft 'J'?
Maddox: Or is it "Yudge"?
Dick: Yeah, just probably "Yudge," like Carl Jung. Bring it on! Bring it on, pal. Um...well, here's the other thing, too: I feel like maybe some - I feel like people our age have KIDS now, and they want to listen to the podcast but maybe their significant other won't let them if it's like, "F-, f-, f-, f-, f- f- f-!" all the time. But a couple swear words is okay.
Maddox: I'm not gonna cater to pussies.
Dick: Oh, alright. (exasperated)
Maddox: This show is for hard people only!
Dick: ALRIGHT, alright. Alright.
Maddox: William Itsasoftj - yeah.
Dick: (interjects) I blew it last week, I blew it this week again.
Maddox: Yeah. Alright. Well, at least you ceded the point a little bit.
Dick: Speaking of blowing it, can I read a comment?
Dick: Uh, this one is from Derek Stutz. He sent me a gigantic one. You tell me when you get sick of hearin' this. He starts out: "Gays." - I'm not sure if he meant "guys," or if he was calling us gays, but it says "gays" - "Although I'm thoroughly disappointed that Maddox took the position of pro-cyclist, I have to blame a key omission in the anti-cyclist argument on Dick, as he was the one defending that position." So, your problem of Anti-Cyclists caused a huge shitstorm in the comments.
Dick: Yeah. Uh, [continues quoting comment] "The center of Maddox's argument revolved around traffic and gasoline, which helped him make a legitimate, sound argument," according to this guy.
Dick: "It's true that people who ride a bike in lieu of driving definitely save gasoline, and I guess save the earth or whatever."
Maddox: 'Or whatever,' right. That's not the reason I do it!
Dick: Well, I don't know, this guy says maybe it is. "Maddox brought up the fact that you're an idiot if you can't pass them, but if you're on back roads, which cyclists often are, sometimes you literally can't pass them because of oncoming traffic and you're forced to drive at 15 miles an hour, which is fucking infuriating."
Maddox: What's this guy's name?
Dick: Derek Stutz.
Maddox: (belches) How's that, Derek? Listen, if you're ridin' on the back roads of some city, why don't you move to a real city? (Sean laughs in the background) Is this seriously a problem?! That, like, you're so -
Dick: (interjects) That's the...that's the solution?
Maddox: Yeah, well, no - (splutters; cracks up) - that's the solution! Make your -
Dick: (interjects) Not like, 4-wheel drive around them?
Dick: Your solution is to move to a city? (mocking)
Maddox: Get off...why don't you get - become part of civilization? Where the fuck are you, that there's so many cyclists on the back roads? What are you, drivin' to WORK? (Dick cackles) What's your JOB, idiot? Whatta you, just...
Dick: Um, it says he lives on the route of the Tour de France. I don't know where that is.
Maddox: That's in France!
Dick: Oh. Well...
Maddox: (laughing) So he lives in France? Does he actually -
Dick: No, no. He's...that's...
Maddox: - he's gotta be sarcastic.
Dick: I just made that up.
Dick: Uh, "Here comes point #2 that Dick omitted like a bitch..." I don't know why THIS is necessary, to... (Maddox laughs) ...uh, "...You have to take into account the purpose of a bike ride." Then he goes on and on, and says that, you know, bike riders wear skinny...skin-tight getups, "...and they travel in packs making it harder to maneuver around them, and that they act like cars and pedestrians at the same time." Which I think is true!
Maddox: Yeah. Well...
Dick: 'Cause they're in the road, and you're not supposed to pass them 'cause they're supposed to be cars, and then they jump on the sidewalk and cause problems there! That's exactly what happens.
Maddox: Uh, Sean's nodding his head. You know...
Dick: Yeah! 'Cause Sean hates cyclists too. 'Cause everybody hates them!
Maddox: Ohhh. (annoyed) Oh, you PUSSIES.
Dick: Excuse me, "bicycle riders."
Maddox: You...pussies. So I got a comment about this too, from this guy named Seth Charles Forsman. He said, "Maddox, if a cyclist wants to be treated like a car, they should be able to consistently travel at 35 mph and faster."
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!
Maddox: [continues quoting comment] "Since they can't, they should get on the sidewalk and stop impeding traffic." Well, first of all, DICKHEAD, it's illegal to ride on the sidewalk. And when we do, a buncha crybaby pedestrians bitch about it! So you can't ride on the sidewalk, you can't ride on the street; where are you supposed to ride?
Dick: (interjects) You're not!
Maddox: No place! Except here's the thing, SETH: cyclists don't impede traffic, cars do. Okay? Now, cyclists aren't the reason that traffic jams occur. You know what causes traffic jams? Too many fucking cars! The answer to traffic jams isn't more cars. Every cyclist you see on the road is one less car that you DON'T have to wait behind.
Maddox: And all you fuckin' pussies are just *crying,* like babies! There has never been a traffic jam caused by a cyclist! NEVER.
Dick: Wait a minute, I got a quote -- somebody says...oh, somebody has a good quote for that. Hold on...uh, I can't find it…oh yeah, this guy! Dustin Singer says, "Oh, and Maddox I promise you, guys riding bikes have killed more people than just about anything." (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing) I don't know...I don't know what that's supposed to mean, 'just about anything'! Guys riding bikes. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah. Sounds like the argument I just... (Dick laughs loudly) ...I literally - not even joking, not even 45 minutes before this podcast, I just responded to a chick who sent me hate mail about an old article I wrote about whales. And she said that whales do NOT kill people, and they're very peace-loving animals. And -
Dick: (interjects) Aren't they?
Maddox: I wrote back -- no.
Maddox: I wrote back and I said, "Whales are the #1 killer of sailors, and that's a fact."
Dick: Is that true?!
Maddox: Of course it's true. And then -
Dick: (interjects) WHALES are the number one cause...
Maddox: Number one cause.
Dick: ...of death among seamen?
Maddox: Oh yeah, absolutely. Whales kill...
Dick: Are you makin' that up, or is that true? Are you doing a joke?
Maddox: What do you think, Dick?
Dick: Well, I dunno, you're Mr. Stats!! (yelling) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: (sound clip of Dick saying, "I got a stats for you.") (laughs more)
Dick: Alright. Uh, Dustin Singer also goes on to say, "Fuck bikes."
Dick: So, there you go.
Maddox: Thanks, Dustin. Idiot. (under his breath)
Dick: I got one more comment, and then do you mind if I go on to my problem from there?
Maddox: Go ahead. Yeah.
Dick: So here's my last comment...this is from D.S.: "Hi Dick. If Maddox hates monkeys so much, then why does he look like one? Regards."
Maddox: Oh. Good...good diss.
Dick: That's a pretty good point.
Maddox: Hilarious diss, dipshit! You know, I've been compared to lots of things; monkey is all you got? MONKEY??
Dick: It's pretty funny! (grinning)
Maddox: Ye-- OH, yeah. (Dick giggles hysterically) Yeah, real hilarious. Yeah, pretty funny if you're 3.
Maddox: Like, I've heard better disses from 3 year-olds!
Dick: What have you heard from a 3 year-old? (amused)
Maddox: "Poopstain." Poopstain's a good diss, if you think about it!
Dick: Yeah! It's -- that's gross, man! Good for THAT guy.
Maddox: They're essentially saying you don't wipe well.
Dick: Well, they're calling you, like, the detritus of a poor wiper.
Dick: So not only are you shit - 'cause shit could come from like, a good person...
Dick: ...but YOU'RE shit from someone who has poor hygiene.
Dick: That's WAY worse - that guy's insulting at a 12th grade level, man! (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Yeah, that's pretty good! So, like I said - so this guy called me a monkey..."poopstain" is a better insult than that.
Dick: Well, I just thought it was funny that he threw "regards" in there.
Maddox: Yeah, thanks Dick. (sighing)
Dick: See, it's a pretty good set-up. Like, "If Maddox hates monkeys so much..." and you think something funny - like, smart's gonna come out of it, "...then why does he look like one?" (laughs robustly)
Maddox: I love that you're so amused by that, Dick.
Dick: It's the perfect joke!! And it's only a sentence. Um, great email. Here's my first problem: monkey copyrights.
Maddox: Monkey copyrights!
Maddox: Well, well, well. Look who's come home to roost.
Dick: No, get it outta your system, go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah! (monkeys whooping sound effect) MONKEYS! Who brought up the problem of monkeys on this podcast, huh? (gloating) Like Episode #2, I was like, "Monkeys are a big problem!" And NOW what are they doin'? So explain...you can give the set-up to this problem.
Dick: No, no, no! I…yeah, Episode...maybe Episode 2 or Episode 3...
Dick: You can go check out the biggest problems, you'll see it on the list, and then you click on it and you can listen to the episode. Maddox brought in a problem which I thought was the stupidest thing I had heard, uh...in a LONG time, that monkeys were a big problem. So this week...lemme set up what a monkey copyright is, 'cause I know Sean doesn't know what a monkey copyright is. Uh, this guy - this photographer, David Slater, he's a nature photographer. Right?
Dick: So he packs up all of his equipment, and he takes it to a jungle in Indonesia to take, like, weird monkey pictures. Right?
Dick: Or whatever you do…whatever you do as a nature photographer. I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah, he was takin' pictures of a bunch of monkeys.
Dick: Yeah. So he sets all of his crap up, like his tripod and his flash, er...right?
Dick: Then some monkeys come along, and they start dickin' around with his equipment!
Dick: And they take -- 'cause they like pressing buttons...
Dick: ...you know? So they end up taking all these funny pictures of themselves, by accident. So it's like a monkey selfie.
Dick: Like a stupid grin on the...you believe that the monkey has an Instagram, and he's uploading it right after he does it. It's funny -- have you seen the picture?
Maddox: Oh yeah, he's got these stupid horse teeth...
Maddox: ...he looks like an idiot. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Yeah, he looks like an idiot!
Dick: He looks like everyone's selfie, basically. So the guy comes back, and the image ends up on The Guardian or something like that, and it's like, "Okay, cool. What a jackpot for this photographer." Right? Next thing you know, the image ends up on Wikipedia.
Dick: Okay? So he goes, "Nonononono, you can't..." 'Cause everything on Wikipedia is free. Once Wikipedia gets their teeth into it, they're like, "Well, this is free. This is - "
Maddox: (interjects) Well, they have a Creative Commons license, which, a lot of it has to be either...that you can reuse it, you can upload it, you can use it for commercial purposes. Some of it you have to use attributions, some of it is just public domain, and Wikimedia...Wikipedia is claiming that this picture is public domain.
Dick: YES. Specifically - so, it gets...he gets it pulled down, somebody uploads it again - basically, now he's bailing out a canoe that's sinking with the speed of a thousand internet posters. This is Wikipedia's response: "The file is in public domain because, as the work of a non-human animal, it has no human author in whom copyright is vested." (slowly for emphasis) So Wikipedia is claiming that the MONKEY owns the copyright on this picture that CLEARLY belongs to this poor photographer, David Slater.
Dick: So I saw this, and I thought, "What a goofy news headline. This'll be done…this is obviously a mistake."
Dick: And, "Somebody at Wikipedia's gonna go, 'No, obviously we're not that fuckin' retarded. This is OBVIOUSLY - this guy owns this picture. We're not a bunch of jackasses.'"
Dick: Like, "We don't have monkeys here clicking buttons to run this organization."
Maddox: Yeah. Or...
Dick: OR!! Or! It's actua-- or this is a CONTROVERSY?! (Maddox laughs) And that there's actually another SIDE TO THIS ISSUE? CAN YOU FUCKIN' BELIEVE THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO THINK THIS IS CORRECT? That this guy actually doesn't OWN this photo, it belongs to a FUCKIN' monkey?! (screaming)
(Dick pauses for a second; Maddox keeps laughing quietly to himself)
Dick: That this is - THIS is the world! And of course, as soon as I saw the comments, I was like, "Of course I'M the crazy one! Of course *I'm* crazy for thinking that this poor guy who lugs THOUSANDS...TENS of thousands of dollars of equipment into the JUNGLE, and manages to capture this amazing picture that so, like, artistically describes the human condition at this point in technology -- of COURSE he gets shafted! OF COURSE he's getting shafted. Of course there's people who think - "
Maddox: (interjects) (sound clip of man saying, "Well, that's unfortunate.") (laughs heartily)
Dick: Yeah! It's unfortunate! This poor bastard shells out all this dough, and this is his big break; he takes this amazing -- he gets this amazing monkey selfie that, you know... (splutters) ...it's like a once-in-a-career shot. It's SO perfect....IMMEDIATELY fucked over. And EVERY fuckin' armchair -- every internet lawyer is comin' out of the seams, is creeping out of the bits of the internet, posting on Facebook: "Well, you know, he just...you know, really, ya think about it, the monkey did all the work!" (stupid voice)
Dick: Yeah. So -
Maddox: (interjects) Sure, the monkey *composed* the shot, the monkey bought the equipment...
Dick: Yeah! (incredulous)
Maddox: So, I was reading....uh, great rant, by the way, Dick. I was reading -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I'm gonna go have a heart attack, now. (Maddox laughs) I'M JUST -- LIKE, IT'S SO...DUDE, IT'S - (splutters explosively) - you lived your life's dream, and you IMMEDIATELY GOT FUCKED OVER! It's like The Old Man and the Sea, every time I think about it!
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) That's right!
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: So yeah, I've read all these comments of the people defending the monkey, and they said - essentially, Wikimedia's argument is that the monkey pressed the button for the shutter, so therefore the monkey owns the photograph. (Dick scoffs) But if you think about it... (cracks up)
Dick: Hahaha, RIGHT?! (beside himself)
Maddox: Yeah. So I made the case -
Dick: (interjects) Unbelievable.
Maddox: I was looking into this. I was thinking - well, first of all, I have three points against this.
Maddox: The first point is that a contract is not legally binding for any child under the age of 18, due in part to the inability for the child to fairly or accurately interpret his or her rights!
Maddox: So a monkey can't be legally binding to any contract for the same fucking reason! Monkeys aren't gonna be goin' to the copyright office at Congress. (Dick laughs) And if they are, they should get the fuck out! What are they DOIN' there? Morons. And then the question of who pressed the shutter is moot. Because -
Dick: (interjects) It's just - it's CRAZY.
Maddox: It's absurd!
Dick: It's a crazy point; it's a crazy distinction to draw when you're talking about art.
Maddox: Well, so, people...sometimes photographers set up cameras that have procedurally generated shutters. So for example, when they detect that a flash is gonna come on - so for lightning, or thunder - they try to take thunder photography.
Maddox: So who owns that picture, the THUNDER, you fucking idiots?
Maddox: Does the thunder own - (cracks up) - does God own the copyrights to that??
Dick: We gotta send royalties to the Vatican now. (Maddox laughs harder) Every time lightning takes a picture, we have to shoot money into SPACE for space aliens to grab it...
Dick: ...for causing the lightning, or you gotta mail a check to the fuckin' Vatican.
Maddox: OR you can have the shutter triggered by motion - there's motion detection shutters! So you could potentially -- what Wikimedia is suggesting is that there is a public claim on surveillance footage. So if surveillance footage inside a store is triggered by motion, I guess we own that! Because nobody owns that - the *motion* owns the copyright. Huh, Wiki? Is that what they're saying?
Dick: Yeah, you know what I would like to see? Let's take the mechanics out of it...JUST looking at it from an artistic point of view.
Dick: If...okay. You know the movement - the readymade sculpture movement?
Dick: Okay. Marcel Duchamp...he's like, some fuckin' artist, I don't wanna sound like a fancy-pants here.
Maddox: Mm, too late. (laughs)
Dick: He had - (cracks up) - he got a urinal...a urinal, right?
Dick: And he turned it on its side and signed it, and he said, "There. That's art."
Dick: Like, wha-- so, Wikimedia: who made this? Who owns the copyright to flipping a toilet on its side and signing it?
Maddox: Is he the guy who also made the statement - the artistic statement that said, "This is not a painting..."
Dick: "This is not a pipe"?
Maddox: "This is not a pipe," yeah.
Dick: This is not a pipe, "Ceci n'est pas une pipe"?
Sean: No. (from the background)
Dick: No no, that was a different guy.
Maddox: Because it's a photograph of a pipe or something like that.
Dick: Well, it's a painting of a pipe, and it says, "This is not a pipe."
Maddox: Okay, I know that guy.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's not him.
Dick: That's a different guy.
Sean: That's Magritte, I think.
Dick: Yeah - oh, is it? Magritte?
Sean: Oh, fuck. I don't know.
Dick: I don't know.
Sean: I think it's Magritte.
Dick: You know what? Good for you that you don't know, and I don't know. That's cool. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Let's keep it that way. (chuckling) Let's not learn anything. (sarcastic)
Dick: So it's like - (splutters) - so, what do you guys...you fuckin' assholes, you just want that picture for free so bad, you're willing to screw over an artist who -- like, any other artist would've freaked out...
Dick: ...and would've thrown rocks at the monkeys, 'cause they might break his camera!
Dick: But this guy, he's totally chill.
Maddox: He's chill!
Dick: He set up an *environment* where something might happen.
Maddox: Okay, Dick -
Dick: THAT'S the artistry.
Dick: It's VERY cut-and-dry.
Maddox: So, I have two points to make. I have one in defense of the photographer, and then one just to play devil's advocate. So in defense of the photographer - by the way, there is NO fucking evidence that the monkey pressed the shutter! So he SAYS that the monkey did, but that's not evidence.
Maddox: The photographer can say anything! No, in court, that's not...it's his word versus the monkey's word. I mean, the photographer could've lied and said, "Oh, I did that for the narrative, to make it exciting," or whatever.
Dick: Ohh, that's what he SHOULD do!
Maddox: Yeah! He could -
Dick: (interjects) Yeahhh!
Maddox: Then he could just -
Dick: (interjects) He SHOULD do that!
Dick: You're right!
Maddox: You know, it would kind of deflate the mystique of this picture, but -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but it would be a real good, like, "fuck you" story.
Maddox: Yeah! It's a good "fuck you" story!
Dick: Like he's obviously lying, and he should be like, "Well, why don't you go round up the fuckin' monkey and ask him what happened?"
Dick: "You motherfuckers!"
Maddox: Ask the fuckin' CHIMP if he can speak in his stupid howls and... (monkeys whooping sound effect)
Dick: It wasn't a chimp. I don't know what kind of monkey it was.
Maddox: I think it was a macoque? Macaque? Ma...macoque. I wanna say "macoque."
Dick: A "macock"?
Maddox: Is that a type of, uh…macaque. Macaque?
Dick: Is that a type of what? (sexy tone)
Maddox: Type of monkey... (cracks up)
Dick: Yeahhhh. (suggestively)
Maddox: And then here's the point I wanna make, sort of in the opposite direction. So, what do you think of this? I was thinking about this problem the other day - uh, essentially the monkeys stole this guy's camera, USED it, and then the guy retrieved his camera. So the claim is that the monkeys own the photographs that they took with it.
Maddox: However, it's still his camera. What if somebody steals your laptop, and...just to, you know, just to play devil's advocate here...they go home, and they sit down and they write the next Great American Novel. Like, they write a novel on your stolen laptop. I *think* that the person who stole the laptop still owns the rights to that novel.
Dick: No. No way!
Maddox: Well, just because you used something stolen, doesn't mean the person whose property it is...you know, if you used a shovel that you stole to build a house -
Dick: Well, wait a minute.
Maddox: - they can't just come take your house!
Dick: Yeah, but if you steal a gun and you shoot somebody with it, is there a thing where if the person didn't secure the gun enough, then they're partly liable for that? I mean, we're in California, so I gotta assume that something that asinine is probably true.
Maddox: (exhales thoughtfully) Potentially, but that's not a creative expression. I think -
Dick: Could be!
Maddox: - I'm talkin' specifically about something... (cracks up) ...well, you could paint in the medium of dead bodies, I suppose...uh, but I'm talkin' specifically about creative expression or any kind of creation. So again, if you stole some construction equipment, built a house...do they then come take the house because you used stolen equipment?
Dick: No, I don't think so. I don't think that's true at all.
Maddox: So what about the novel? What about the novel that somebody wrote on your stolen laptop?
Dick: If somebody steals your -- yeah, it's your novel, still.
Maddox: It's your novel!
Maddox: So -
Dick: (interjects) Just 'cause you used the tool to do it -
Dick: - like, the process, the artistic process is what you copyright, not the tools you use to *do* it.
Maddox: Right. So to play devil's advocate, couldn't you then say that, okay, the monkey DOES have a case, becau-- well, you know, it's a fucking animal.
Dick: (yells over Maddox) NO, because it is a FUCKING MONKEY. (Maddox laughs) THAT'S why.
Maddox: Right. Well if it was -
Dick: (interjects) Look, you win! You win this, because you were right about monkeys! I shit on you before, but you warned us all -
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: - that the monkeys were coming to take our JOBS! (Sean laughs in the background) They're takin' our jobs, these monkeys!
Maddox: Takin' our women!
Dick: No, DOGS are taking our women.
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up) Yeah, they are.
Dick: No, I saw this thing that women are, like, replacing their need for babies...
Dick: ...with little dogs.
Maddox: Dogs! (Sean sneers in the background)
Dick: And the only reason women need men is to have babies.
Maddox: (baby laugh sound effect)
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: It's true. (chuckling)
Dick: I mean, why else would you want a guy around?
Maddox: Yeah, guys...
Dick: If you're a woman, why would you want a guy comin' into your house? Farting, and messing up your stuff, and...
Maddox: That's all we're gonna do.
Dick: ...breaking your shitty furniture that you bought on your parents' credit card at Pier One.
Maddox: Yeah. Eat your food, eat your fancy fuckin' salad...not even know or care about what's in it. Your uh, macrobiotic, organic bullshit - we're just gonna shovel it in our mouth and poop it out.
Maddox: Hours later.
Dick: Not watch 6 hours of Netflix every night...
Maddox: No, 'cause we're out DOIN' shit. Building shit, that's what we're doin'. Yeah.
Dick: Well, it really pissed me off, that monkey thing.
Maddox: Yeah, well, and rightly so. Monkeys are stupid, I WARNED all you idiots!
Dick: Yeah, you did!
Maddox: And you downvoted it - it was Episode #3, go listen to it. I made my case against monkeys. They're in the way.
Dick: So to make up for it, everyone should upvote *my* monkey copyright problem. (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Dick: Not *your* problem.
Maddox: ...don't hijack -- you know what, if I - if the monkeys don't go up in rank significantly, I'm gonna be really pissed off....at the world. (smirks)
Dick: I got -- I brought in a quote from an expert. Um... (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Oh! Oh, yeah? (amused)
Dick: Yeah, this uh...what is she...June Berserk [misreading of 'Besek'], an executive director of the - (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: What?? (cracking up)
Dick: - Kernochan Center for Law, some exec....whatever, at Columbia Law School. Right?
Dick: Uh...listen to what this broad said: "It's a great final exam question for a copyright class." This...this question is a GREAT final exam question? Are you fucking kidding me?? That's what -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, because it comes up all the time. This is a great case study, huh, idiot?
Dick: Yeah! "So a guy gets dicked over by Wikipedia - is it legal? Durrr?" Um...there has to be - [continues quoting Besek] "Under the copyright law as it's been interpreted, there has to be human authorship for there to be copyright." Okay, which there is!
Maddox: Okay, so there is that!
Dick: "So I would say there isn't copyright on the photo," that's what she says. (chuckling in disbelief) That's the -
Maddox: (interjects) There's no photo… (Dick guffaws) Okay, so what about…again, what about procedurally generated -- what if you just set up a shutter to go off in ten minutes, or whatever? It's just a camera that someone set up a long time ago, it's a security camera or something...who owns that footage? Because somebody didn't press the shutter.
Dick: What if he had just said, "Yeah, I gave my camera to the monkeys, so they could dick with it"?
Dick: "To see what would happen."
Maddox: "The monkey promised he would give it back, and that I owned all the rights to the image." (laughing) Yeah, say, "The monkey TOLD me he..."
Dick: "The monkey TOLD me!" Yeah!
Maddox: "He told me! Want me to ask the monkey? Oh, he's not feeling -- he's not in the mood to talk." By the way, you can't force the monkey to talk! Fifth Amendment! Right? He can't...
Dick: He can't incriminate himself?
Maddox: ...he doesn't have to incriminate himself! Yeah!
Dick: Yeah, I don't know if he broke any...he's probably trespassing! (Sean laughs in the background) The monkey?
Maddox: Well...this was...
Dick: Are you allowed to be living in the jungles of Indonesia? Probably not.
Maddox: Well, the guy... (starts laughing)
Dick: He probably owes somebody SOMETHIN'.
Maddox: Owes some taxes to the Indonesian government! Why don't you collect on that, dickhead? Besides, that monkey should be a millionaire, with that photo!
Maddox: Whatever. Fuck that monkey. I warned all you idiots, and you didn't listen.
Dick: No. Uh, that's it.
Maddox: Good. Alright. Let me move on to my first problem. Female genital mutilation. (Dick laughs in astonishment)
Dick: Jesus Christ!!
Maddox: Gettin' right into it. (chuckling) (Dick keeps laughing uncomfortably)
Maddox: Here we go. So, I've been thinkin' a lot, and a lot of the problems we bring in are either neutral or male-centric. And I was thinking, "What is a problem that actually is a real, serious problem that a lot of women have to deal with?"
Maddox: And by "a lot of women," uh...guess how many -- so, I heard this stat a long time ago on NPR, and it was so surprising that not only I was doubting it, but the correspondent doubted it. So she had to look this information up.
Dick: Oh, 'cause it was so big?
Maddox: It's so big! What was -
Dick: (interjects) Okay. Well, lemme guess, then!
Maddox: Yeah. You guess. What percentage...so the country Egypt is an Arabic country, but it's also very modern, it's very Western; they have a lot of the same laws and rights that *we* have.
Maddox: What percentage, would you think, of women in Egypt have...female castration?
Dick: Okay, what do I know about Egypt...uhh, I know that's where Indiana Jones was...
Dick: ...does that help?
Maddox: No, I don't think he was - (cracks up) - in Egypt. Well, in what, Part 4 -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, 'cause Sallah -- no, in 1 -- 'cause Sallah said, (Maddox sighs) "The Nazis have shanghaied every digger in Cairo." (cracks up) Uh, 80. 80 percent.
Maddox: Higher than 80 percent. Sean, any guess? [Sean declines] It's actually 91 percent.
Sean: Jesus! (from the background)
Maddox: 91 percent of women in Egypt have female castration done to them.
Dick: Ohhh, god. Alright. (repulsed)
Maddox: And for people who don't quite know the procedure - I mean, they are literally cutting the clitoris out of the women (Dick grimaces) or they mutilate them.
Dick: Alright. (uneasily)
Maddox: And it's even worse -- in Sierra Leone, 88 percent; in Guinea, 96 percent! 96 of percent of women.
Dick: Holy shit, man.
Maddox: 74 percent in Ethiopia. So combined, that's over 125 million women and girls in Africa and the Middle East, according to UNICEF.
Dick: Wait, wait, wait, *how* many million?
Maddox: 125 million.
Dick: 125 million?!
Maddox: Yep! And if you think this is just a Muslim issue or, uh, a religious thing, it's not! There's 144 thousand women in the U.K. and Wales who are at risk because their parents were born to...uh, excuse me, the kids were born to Tunisian parents or Ethiopian parents, so a lot of times the parents will fly them out when they become adolescents -
Maddox: - around age, you know, 13 or 14 years old, and they get their...uh, their clits removed. They get them -- they get cut.
Dick: Oh, my GOD. Alright.
Maddox: Now, so this is -
Dick: (interjects) That's a lo-- can we focus on that *number* for a second? Or am I interrupting your thing?
Maddox: It's unbelievable! No, go ahead.
Dick: That's...I mean, that's TWICE...that's twice as many people, then, that watch the Super Bowl. Isn't that right?
Maddox: I think so, yeah.
Dick: Like, 60 million people watch the Super Bowl?
Maddox: Well -
Dick: (interjects) That's half the country!! That's half the country of the U.S.!
Maddox: Yeah! Half the country of the U.S.
Dick: Ohh, my GOD!
Maddox: That's over 60 million in Egypt and Ethiopia alone. Those two countries alone.
Dick: That's disgusting.
Maddox: It's unbelie-- it's outrageous! I didn't know it was that big of a problem. And I don't think even a lot of people know it's that big of a problem in the U.S.! Especially feminists out here, who are sitting here (cracks up) railing about photoshop on Cosmopolitan issues. Hey, idiots! If you wanna take a cause, take up a cause and go to Ethiopia! Go to Africa, go to Egypt, and try to solve THIS problem.
Dick: Well, then...
Maddox: Because, guess what? This problem isn't rooted in religion! It's not! It's not rooted in men just trying to control women, either. It's just -- so, UNICEF actually asked people, they polled them -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I was gonna ask, why do they do this?
Maddox: Yeah! The presump-- it says here, this is from UNICEF, from an NPR article; it says, "The presumption has been that men often condone female mutilation. But when we look at the data, it doesn't support that. Many men and boys want the practice to stop, too. The problem - "
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah. This lady, Moneti - I think she's a director at UNICEF - she says, [continues quoting article] "The problem, Moneti says, is that communities -- even couples -- don't talk about the issue. The desire to end the practice is hidden, she says. 'Men often don't know what women think and vice versa.'" So, [skips ahead in same article] "About 20 percent of women across all 29 countries surveyed have undergone the extreme procedure, in which the genitals are cut and then the vagina is sewn shut."
Maddox: Yeah! They sew the vagina shut!
Dick: You're nodding - like, you know this??
Maddox: Sean's nodding -
Dick: SEW it?!
Maddox: - you've heard this -- yeah!
Dick: Okay, WHY? Why the FUCK would you do that?
Maddox: Right! So here's the interesting part, here in the article. It says, "Some people mistakenly frame mutilation as an Islamic practice, says UNICEF Deputy Executive Director ... 'But it's not,' she says. 'There are many Islamic communities that don't practice it. It's not written anywhere in the Bible or the Quran.'" So this is not a religious practice.
Dick: I thought it was.
Maddox: No! It's not! "Instead, the practice is linked to poverty and lack of education, the report finds. And a girl is much more likely to be cut if her mother was." So this is just something that poor people do because everyone's always done it. It's always been tradition, so they just keep doing it!
Dick: Are you KIDDING me?
Maddox: That's it!
Dick: I thought the reason that we didn't get involved with this is because it was like, a huge religious war waiting to happen.
Maddox: That's what I thought! But it's not! A lot of Muslim - in fact, the majority of Muslim people don't do this. This is just in certain countries and certain communities, because it's been the practice for so long.
Dick: That's hard for me to believe.
Maddox: Yeah, well, that's what -
Dick: (interjects) I gotta hear like, a Muslim person tell me what you're saying. To know for sure.
Maddox: Well, if -
Dick: (interjects) You know what I mean?
Dick: Like, that's a...that's a mouthful, what you just...they're just doing it because they've always done it.
Maddox: Because they've always done it. So one of the -
Dick: (interjects) Ohh, my GOODNESS.
Maddox: One of the examples -- yeah -- in Iraq, it used to be as high as about 30 percent, and currently, it's dropped over the last few decades; it's about 9 percent of women in Iraq still get this procedure done.
Maddox: And it's not for any particular -- I mean, if it was a religious thing, Iraq, if anything, has become more staunchly religious.
Dick: Yeah, but...
Maddox: It's become a more staunchly religious state, and yet, female genital mutilation has dropped in that same time to about 9 percent. So it's just a tradition that people have always done, and nobody really knows why!
Dick: I mean, can you give George W. Bush some credit for dropping that number? (Maddox laughs) You know?
Dick: Oh. So it's only his fault for invading on bad info, but...
Maddox: Well, he did -- no, no, I'll give him...
Dick: Pull somethin' good out of it, and...no?
Maddox: Okay, yeah, I'll…he did lower that number by also lowering the population in Iraq, so there -
Dick: Ah, well.
Maddox: - you have that. (laughs)
Dick: Well, you brought in a disgusting problem. (Sean chuckles in the background) Um...
Maddox: (cracks up) It's a real problem! This is an actual, real problem!
Dick: I had no idea it was just, uh...just a knowledge thing.
Maddox: Yeah! It's just -
Dick: (interjects) Is this like, a superstition? Or do they just think it's....something to do?
Maddox: Well, so, there's one woman in this NPR article who went out...she's a very outspoken critic of female genital mutilation because when she was 13 or 14 years old, she's -- I believe she's from Somalia, and her parents flew her out there, and she said she woke up in some dingy hospital room.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) I got - dude, I gotta tell ya, this is making me wanna throw up.
Maddox: Yeah! It's a really rough problem.
Dick: Like, all of this whole topic's making me wanna throw up.
Maddox: Yeah - no, it's gross! So they flew her into this dingy hospital room - she said she wasn't even sure if it was a hospital - and she said that this woman came into this room who was dressed not as a doctor, but, as she can recall, what you would imagine an African witch to look like. And so she came in there and mutilated the genitals. (Dick sighs in disgust) A lot of the time though, like in Egypt, 70 percent of these female genital mutilations are done by doctors. Especially the poor people, they don't wanna question the authority of doctors. So if a doctor's doing it, it must be right. Right?
Maddox: It's kind of like, male...I mean, this isn't at all comparable in terms of the scope of lasting damage that it does, but it's kind of like male circumcision, where everybody just kinda does it. Do you know the reason people do male circumcision?
Dick: Well, okay. So, lemme say that I...I know what you're talking about, I know the big debate...now that we're talking about penises, I can talk. (Maddox chuckles) I know what's going on more, I can talk more about this. Uh, I know that there's controversy on whether you should do it or not, but then I've -- it seems like people are pretty staunchly against it, and I've heard the arguments where, 'the cleaning isn't so bad,' and 'you lose all this sensation if you get circumcised,' and 'it's like, a torturous experience'...right?
Maddox: I guess.
Dick: But then I hear people who are late in life and they get circumcised and they're like, "Yeah, that's all crazy. Just get it done." (Maddox laughs quietly) "Do it to your kids." I'm like, "I don't know what to think on the circumcision thing!"
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know what to think either, and there's actually a really funny video about this on CollegeHumor that talks about the history of circumcision. It's a 3-minute video, and it is *fantastic.* It's so well done. It talks about how circumcision just kind of came about, and because of some superstition, or somebody believed something, they just started doing it and it's always been done just because that's what everybody has always done. And to be totally cynical, some people say now that circumcision and female genital mutilation occur because it's a big industry. Doctors make a lot of money on circumcision and female genital mutilation.
Dick: Uh...(exhales thoughtfully)...well, the latter's awful. That's gotta stop, right? The -- circumcision, I don't know. I'm still out, I'm still undecided. Because people who are against it are so passionate about it, and that always makes me suspicious.
Maddox: Yeah. And it's always -- the most outspoken people are usually hippies...about the castration, I'm talkin' about. Er, not castration; the circumcision, I'm talkin' about. They're mostly hippies. You know, I go back and forth on the circumcision thing, but this castration thing's gotta stop.
Dick: You know what, we should have somebody from each side of the circumcision issue on this show. Because we know somebody who's anti-circumcision - uh, both of us do - and I would like to hear...I would like to actually get the real reasons for why it's.... We should get a late-in-life circumcised guy. (Maddox chuckles) And then we should look at their dicks, you know!
Dick: Just for fun!
Maddox: No, Dick - here we go! (Dick cackles hysterically) This was a long con! Dick's just trying to get me to look at dick, like usual. ( booing sound effect) Gross, dude.
Dick: Okay, so here's what I think about...you know -
Maddox: (interjects) (negative 'sproing' sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: - after doing the Men Are Better Than Women stuff, and going on the radio and getting screamed at all the time...
Dick: Like, I've done -- I'm sure you've done the same thing: you go on the radio all the time, and people tell you what a jerk you are.
Dick: And this and that about how much you must hate women, blah blah blah. I always get the question, "Well, what do you think about feminism? Everything they're doing - trying to get women to make more money in the first-world, there should be 50/50 female CEOs, blah blah blah blah blah - don't you think that's great?" And I'm like, "Shouldn't their sole purpose be to stop…THIS?"
Dick: This is SO MUCH WORSE than 'you're not making as much money as a man, allegedly' or 'there's not enough chicks in video games or comics'!
Dick: Like, where the fuck is the outcry for this?!
Maddox: This is why I think that people are giving a backlash to modern, third-wave feminism in America, because they're OBSESSED with these minor minutiae! These fuckin' Social Justice Warriors on Tumblr are complaining 'cause someone said "bitch" on Twitter!
Maddox: Who gives a shit?? Go to Papua New Guinea! Go to Sierra Leone! Go to these places where women are having acid thrown in their faces, still!
Dick: Wait, is *that* a religious thing?
Maddox: Uh, it's actually based in superstition. They do witch hunts.
Dick: THAT'S THE SAME THING?!?
Maddox: Yeah! (Dick sighs loudly in dismay) Well, no, no - that's a different thing! This is actually, women are getting acid thrown in their faces.
Dick: No, I know about the acid thing.
Maddox: Yeah, because of witch trials. And this is something that feminists aren't taking up their cause for.
Maddox: But of course, when it comes to 'not enough female video game characters,' let's talk about how Samus has been oppressed and has become a sexual object.
Dick: I know, man.
Maddox: Let's talk about a fake CARTOON fucking character. And you think this is what's causing female genital mutilation? In these cultures, they didn't have video games! They didn't grow up playing the same video games that we did.
Maddox: And yet, we don't have female genital mutilation out here. Or if we do, it's extremely low - it's less than 1 percent.
Dick: Well, that's why I have a hard time taking them seriously. Because -
Maddox: (interjects) Taking who?
Dick: Any...well, anyone with a cause, I guess. (Maddox chuckles) But feminists specifically, because it's like...I mean, you're rearranging...you want a little bit more money, but you're saying that's like, empowering women? No, it's not, it's empowering...*you.* (cracks up)
Dick: And people who are exactly like YOU. Just say it...say it for what it is, you just want more of stuff. You're not crusading for anybody! You're not crusading for human rights, 'cause there's 200 million women out there getting their genitals shaved off. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. And their vaginas sewn shut.
Dick: That's - that's WEIRD, man! (repulsed)
Maddox: It's so disgusting. It's like - it's worse than medieval. If you wanted to torture someone in medieval times -- and by the way, that is *the* most sensitive area that I can think of on a woman's body, next to her heart. (laughs)
Dick: What are they doin' about that? (dryly)
Maddox: Nothin'. There's no cure. They just keep crying -
Dick: They're not removing their hearts?
Maddox: No, I... (cracks up)
Dick: I think they do that in LA. (Maddox's laughter escalates) I heard that!
Maddox: That is SO - ('ding!' sound effect) - fucking true, Dick. (through giggles)
Dick: I heard that was happening.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Yeah, there's a whole bunch of, just...cold-hearted zombies walkin' around here.
Maddox: But, other than that...anyway, man. Yeah, that's my problem. Pretty big problem... (Dick sighs) But yeah, that's what I wanna talk about! It's a real, serious -
Dick: (interjects) Hea-vy.
Maddox: - it's a heavy topic, and it's something I don't think we've really delved into. And by the way: I think, of all the problems we've brought in so far, this probably, *actually* deserves to be number one on the list.
Dick: Well, slow...slow down, though. (Maddox laughs) I mean, that's easy for you to say, you're already number one.
Dick: But, I don't know. Armchair Psychologists -
Maddox: Oh, my GOSH. (playfully annoyed)
Dick: - that's pretty bad too! (grinning)
Dick: Um...they're doubly screwing themselves over, too. Because they're like -- that's probably why all these places are still broke as shit and poor, and don't have anything good, 'cause they're ruining their one incentive to do *anything.*
Maddox: Yeah, that's - (cracks up) - that's actually a good point.
Dick: You're sewing the vagina shut? Well, uh, why am I even getting out of bed?
Dick: Uhh, what's the point? "Hey, Dick, go build a dam." "...Why? Why would I do that?"
Maddox: Why do anything?
Dick: Yeah, why do anything? You sewed all the fuckin' vaginas shut. (grinning)
Maddox: What do I want money for? (Dick laughs)
Maddox: I want money to impress chicks, right?
Dick: Yeah, to bang them.
Maddox: What am I...I'm not gonna... And you know - can you imagine things from the female perspective here, for a second? If you had this procedure -
Dick: (interjects) No, I can't. Hmmhmhmhmhm... (tittering suggestively) (Maddox and Dick both burst out laughing)
Maddox: If you've had this procedure done to you, imagine growing old, growing to - becoming an adult, and having those sexual urges, but then also sex being incredibly painful for you, or...you know, it's not always. Some women are able to recover and they're able to gain some sensation, but for a lot of women sex just becomes this non-issue. It's something that they don't want to have, it's something that they don't crave, it's - because it's painful for them.
Dick: Yeah, of course.
Maddox: So that can...that's gonna totally fuck up the whole dating dynamic; it's going to fuck up their desire for men, and everything else in their lives. They have all these psychosexual disorders, and -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, armchair psychologist!!
Maddox: Ohh, boy. (cracks up)
Dick: Here we go! (amused)
Maddox: This is according to the article, though. This is actually from the NPR article. Anyway, it's a big problem, so that's what I'm bringing in this week. What do you got? What's your next one?
Dick: Um, is there a fix for it? Did NPR tell you how to fix it?
Maddox: The fix is to go to these impoverished communities and just try to educate people, and try to tell them that this is an archaic practice, and -
Dick: (interjects) Well, don't talk down to them.
Maddox: No, well... (cracks up)
Dick: That's what you're doin'. You can't go to them, like, what they got there...are these people with bones and shit in their ears?
Maddox: Ohh, boy. (laughing) Yeah, let's not TALK DOWN to them, Dick! (laughs more)
Dick: (grinning) Just a private conversation between...they don't have internet there.
Maddox: Oh, yeah! No, no...
Dick: I mean, what do you do? You're like, "Uhh..." -- how do you convince somebody who thinks this not to do it?
Maddox: You literally have to go to these communities and educate them, and say that…. The way that you're able to educate them -
Dick: (interjects) Convince me!
Maddox: Okay, I'll tell you.
Dick: I'm one of these people.
Maddox: Sure! Okay. So, you -- I would come to you and I would say, "Hey, listen. This is actually going to kill your daughter, so don't do it."
Dick: [continues mock conversation] "'Kill?' My wife didn't get killed, and she had it done to her!"
Maddox: "Well, she's lucky! But most - most women - "
Dick: (interjects) "Ohh, come on. We got 120 million women doin' this!"
Maddox: They don't know this!
Dick: "None of them are getting killed!"
Maddox: They don't have internet, they don't have the access to these stats!
Dick: Okay, fine! "We got a BILLION women doing it! I'm just makin' up stats now!"
Maddox: "Yeah. Well, it doesn't matter, 'cause YOU don't know you're impoverished. Remember? You don't have internet."
Dick: "Okay. Okay!"
Maddox: "So I can tell you anything and you have to believe it, because you're dumb."
Dick: No! (Maddox laughs) That's not how dumbness works, buddy. (laughs)
Maddox: Oh, APPARENTLY. 'Cause they're... "Apparently nothin' sticks to you. So, anyway, dude..." I don't know.
Dick: You didn't talk me out of it!
Maddox: (inhales, winding up) Dick, if you wanna cut your own clit, then go for it!
Dick: Whoa. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Go ahead, sew -
Dick: (interjects) No, you gotta say, "Look, man. You don't do this, these broads are gonna be out-of-control horny!" (Maddox laughs) That's what's gonna happen." You gotta tell the KIDS that.
Maddox: If you *don't* do this.
Dick: This is what the African warlords do. You gotta get the kids, and you gotta say, "Hey, you guys. These -- you gotta STOP this, because these chicks are gonna get crazy horny if you stop doin' this to them!"
Maddox: No -- you know, seriously, what the problem is? That over - I think I read this stat - over 96 percent of women 40 and older in these countries have had this procedure, and something about...something like 40 to 60 percent of women younger than 20 have had the procedure. So it's lower - it's less common in the new generation of women coming up -
Dick: Oh, that's good!
Maddox: - but again, if your MOTHER'S done it -
Dick: (interjects) Makin' progress.
Maddox: Yeah, you *really* have to go there and educate these people, and tell them the dangers, and tell them why this is such a bad procedure, and then maybe you can stop the process. Because this process stopped with this woman who had it in Somalia; she went back and she said that her two nieces were the first in her generation of women who have not had this procedure, specifically because she spoke up and she said, "No."
Dick: There you go!
Maddox: "Let's not do it." So if you tell women to speak up, I mean, that might be enough. That might be all it takes to stop this procedure.
Dick: Well, I don't wanna risk being a slacktivist, so I'm just gonna not do anything about it. (wryly)
Maddox: Well, there you go!
Maddox: I would rather you not do anything about it than, uh, change your profile picture on Facebook. Or go out and protest on Hollywood Boulevard, or some stupid shit.
Dick: Well, then you're in luck! 'Cause that's exactly what I'm not gonna do. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Congratulations. (through laughter)
Dick: Here's my next problem.
Maddox: Okay. (still chuckling)
Dick: Um....no one talks on the phone anymore.
Dick: That's not a good -- can you phrase it better? Nobody...nobody uses the fuckin' phone anymore. (Sean snickers in the background)
Maddox: There you go! I like that -
Dick: Is that better?
Maddox: - you put the word "fuck" in there.
Dick: I want - I tried to come up with like, a Seinfeld-y way to say it. Like, "phone-phobia," or something? But that's not what it is. It's, nobody...everybody wants to TEXT, and WRITE, and email and shit, and not pick up the phone -- look, you know, there is no bigger way to seem like a creep to a girl than to try to *call* her.
Dick: Are you aware of that?
Maddox: Oh, absolutely! That's why I don't call girls.
Dick: Yeah, well, I did. I tried to, anyway. (cracks up in embarrassment) I really fuckin' blew it.
Maddox: Ohh, let's hear this story.
Maddox: Do you have a story that you wanna tell about that?
Dick: No no - yeah, I'll tell a story. Um, sure. So, girl adds me on Twitter.
Dick: Never happens. Right? 'Cause I'm like, dead on twitter.
Dick: So I messaged her with, uh, "Who the fuck are you?" Like, "What are you...what are you adding me on Twitter for? What's the deal?" Uh, we start talkin' for a while. Get her number..."Hey, do you have boyfriend? What's goin' on?" She knows a friend of a friend, we're havin' a good time...so I'm like, "Alright!" Got her number. Text her. Nothin'. ...CALL!
Maddox: Oh, that's a big mistake, buddy!
Dick: Oh, yeah! (annoyed)
Maddox: You NEVER call.
Dick: Well, that's what everyone tells me!
Dick: Like, "You can't call!"
Maddox: You can't call.
Dick: That's...are you kidding me?
Maddox: It's intrusive! It's rude!
Dick: I -- how is it RUDE? (astonished)
Maddox: There's nothing -
Dick: How did we go from...'calling is chivalrous,' I would say...
Maddox: Ugh. BARF.
Dick: ...in what, the '90s? Do you remember that? Remember when like, pagers were a thing?
Dick: I guess I'm just an old-fashioned kinda guy from the late '90s, that I think calling is cool!
Maddox: You're an old dick.
Dick: Yeah. I'm an old -- well, when I tell people that I *called* someone? They look - especially women - they look HORRIFIED.
Maddox: Horrified, exactly! They should be!
Dick: Well, this is an embarrassing story. But the reason I'm -- you can make fun of me, everybody's gonna make fun of me for being a loser, right? With this girl? But I'm bringing it in because I think this happens to a LOT of people.
Dick: And I think it's, uh...I think people are setting themselves up for disaster by not talking to people on the phone.
Maddox: (sound clip of Dick yelling, "That's ridiculous!") (laughs)
Dick: Do you really think so?
Maddox: Dick -- no, it's not. By not talking...first of all, in terms of communication -- in terms of the types of communication, I would list talking on the phone as one of the most inconsiderate. The most inconsiderate form of communication, I think, is talking on the phone because you're telling -- you're saying to somebody, "Hey, this is urgent! I have to get through to you, drop whatever you're doing! Stop reading your email, stop working, stop doing whatever you're doing and pick up the phone and talk to me like I'm a fucking boss. Like I'm your executive right now."
Dick: What are you, so busy with shit?
Dick: You're never just kind of just sitting there -
Dick: - and you can throw stuff on a back burner, and have a nice conversation with somebody? (incredulous)
Maddox: NEVER. Never! And even when I am talkin' to somebody on the other phone, I got apps running in the background, I'm checkin' my email, I'm checkin' everything.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) You're the fuckin' worst. You're the fuckin' worst!
Maddox: I *don't* want to talk on the phone. No, TALKING is the worst. What do you wanna, play girl talk? Like a chick?
Dick: Let me tell you why!
Maddox: Sit on the bed with your... (chuckles)
Dick: Let me tell you why, I brought in -- go...finish the insult.
Maddox: Yeah, ohh - (laughs)
Dick: You were saying, sit on the bed, and...what?
Maddox: Sit on the bed with your feet kicked up in the air, eating Twizzlers...
Dick: Braid my hair?
Maddox: Braiding your hair...
Dick: Talking about boys on speakerphone?
Maddox: Yeah, what are you...what are you talkin' on the phone for??
Dick: Lemme -
Maddox: It's so inconsiderate! Voicemail is the number one most inconsiderate, followed by phone calls.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I give you voicemail. You can get so much more information across in a phone call, though, that you CANNOT get across in text.
Dick: When you send a text, you are basically, uh...you're basically a gray person with no personality, and you get absolutely nothing in the form of like, context and meaning. It's just words.
Maddox: That's because you're not -
Dick: (interjects) Words that you can make them mean whatever you want! You ever have a fight with a broad over text?
Dick: You know exactly what I'm talking about.
Maddox: I do, and I'm a GREAT writer and I'm a GREAT orator. I can do BOTH. And when I write, they know exactly what I'm sayin' because I have the perfect vocabulary, and the perfect emoticons!
Dick: Totally false. (Maddox laughs) The reason why -- what are your emoticons? (amused) You put in those little Chinese ones?
Maddox: Oh, all sorts of crazy. Usually penis ones, with the squirty thing on the face?
Dick: Oh yeah. Tildes, yeah. I love those.
Maddox: Like, the tildes on the face? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Especially when you're having an argument and you send one of those after an insult? So you say somethin' like, "Well, wouldn't have happened if you wouldn't have sucked a dick last night!" And then (cracks up) you put a little, uh...you know, frowny face -
Dick: (interjects) Wow, that's a rough fight! (laughs)
Maddox: Well... (bursts out laughing) (Dick cackles)
Dick: Um, here's why...first of all, I gotta call you out on this.
Dick: The reason why you like writing so much is because you're writing these texts and emails to YOURSELF, and then you decide, "Well, I understood everything that I meant! Fuck them," and send it off.
Maddox: No, Dick! I'm really good at communicating; that's why I can send texts and have them stick!
Dick: How do you know? You're not on the other side, interpreting it!
Maddox: Because I defuse bombs! I defuse situations! I know how to bring people down off the ledge. I just do that. I have that power.
Dick: You've sent me a lot of emails -
Maddox: Ohh... (annoyed)
Dick: - over the time I've known you -- every single one fuckin' infuriates me.
Maddox: (splutters) (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Dick: With your like, 'defuse' -- you always start...you start at -- it's a shit sandwich. There's a compliment at the beginning...
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: ...some fuckin' condescending compliment, (Maddox laughs robustly) then two pages of SHIT, then, "Hey buddy, but, you know, keep on keepin' on!"
Dick: " - Maddox."
Maddox: That's actually... (laughs more)
Dick: Every single email you send me, I wanna strangle myself by -- as soon as I finish that first sentence, 'cause I'm like, "Oh, it's all downhill from here."
Maddox: Oh! So, it sounds to me like I'm accomplishing my goal! (bursts out laughing)
Dick: Okay, wait wait wait. So I brought in some stupid games, uh, to prove my point.
Dick: That you cannot -- that texting is TOTALLY worthless when it comes to communicating. Because you cannot tell if you're dealing with a complete psychopath or a normal person.
Dick: Because you are reading yourself in the words. That's what I'm saying; that's my point. Alright?
Maddox: Dick, I will argue this to my grave, because a good writer...you know, when you take a writing class and your professor says, "You should write in your voice, and you should learn what that voice is..." A commenter sent me an email a long time ago, and he said that what makes a good voice is, when you read it, you read it in that other person's voice and not your internal voice.
Maddox: So if you're able to communicate in a good voice, you're able to get your message across and transcend the person's internal voice.
Dick: It's great for a bestselling author. (Maddox laughs) Alright?
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: You wanna put out - you wanna crank out the books? I love reading them in your voice.
Dick: I like TALKING in your voice after I'm done reading them. (Maddox laughs) For fuckin' *texting* people?
Maddox: Yeah. Alright!
Dick: To meet, and talk? Worthless.
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Here's my -- okay. I got a quote, I'm gonna read it. (light background game show music starts) And I want you to guess...uh, I'll give you some people who might've said it, and you tell me who said it. Alright?
Dick: Here it is: "Maybe I haven't done enough. I might be ashamed of that, for not doing enough. For not giving enough. For not being more perceptive. For not being aware enough. For not understanding. For being stupid." Okay? Which -- now, who do you think said that? Um, let's go with...Obama, Steve Jobs, or Jesus?
Maddox: (chuckles) Obama...
Maddox: ...Steve Jobs, or Jesus...
Dick: Pretty inspiring quote, right?
Maddox: No, that's -- first of all, when I heard that quote, I thought immediately, "Pussy." Whoever wrote that is a huge pussy, and it sounds like a breakup text.
Dick: Okay, wait wait wait. Uh, change the last one to....I don't know. (grinning) That's not the point. Whatever... (laughs with Maddox) ...guess! Guess, guess, guess.
Maddox: Yeah, okay. So whoever said that sounds like a huge pussy, and is groveling to a chick. But if it's - if Obama and Steve Jobs are in the mix, then I'm thinking it's gotta be...well, Obama usually doesn't come out with these weepy apologies -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, he does.
Maddox: - and if he does...no, not like that.
Dick: All the time!
Maddox: I've never heard that.
Maddox: That's really bad. That's REALLY bad.
Maddox: And if it's Obama, I'll eat my words, but...
Dick: So you think it's somebody who's like, really weepy and a pussy...
Dick: ...and is, what? A really, like, tender person?
Dick: Like who?
Maddox: Like...well, I'm just thinking of people I know in real life, but as for -- oh, Sean Penn! There you go, Sean Penn. Yeah.
Dick: Okay! Sean Penn. So like, a humanitarian, but also an actor, and kind of a real soulful guy. Right?
Maddox: Yeah, very liberal...
Dick: Okay. I want you to play Mystery Quote...that sound clip I gave you?
Dick: This is who actually said it.
[Maddox begins clip]
Male Voice: Maybe I haven't done enough. I might be ashamed of that, for not doing enough.
Dick: (talks over clip) Charles Manson!
Male Voice: [continues] For not giving enough.
Maddox: (over clip) Oh, wow!
Dick: Keep going.
Male Voice: For not being more perceptive. For not being aware enough. For not understanding. For, uh...being stupid.
Dick: (over clip) Here's where it gets good.
Male Voice: Maybe I should've killed 4 or 5 hundred people, then I would've felt better.
[sound clip ends]
Dick: Yeah! (Maddox laughs loudly) So, enjoy your text! When you get a text -- you can tell immediately that that guy's crazy, right?
Maddox: (applause sound effect) Bravo.
Dick: When that voice hits the...hits your ears?
Dick: You know immediately that he's a psychopath.
Maddox: Yeah...well, no, actually I thought it was Willie Nelson when I first started playing the clip. I'm like, "Wow, that's..."
Dick: Yeah, well, it's Charles Manson!
Maddox: Yeah. Well... (Dick laughs) You know what, though? It had -- you dropped off the end, though. If you played...if I heard that first part of the clip where you couldn't tell that he's Charles Manson, I woulda guessed Willie Nelson!
Dick: Well, he's not gonna text THAT part. He's just gonna text the first part.
Maddox: OHH... (cracks up) Because he's gonna get cut off by the character limit?
Dick: Yes! (Maddox laughs) He's gonna tweet only that much. I got more -- okay.
Maddox: That's a great quote.
Dick: So you guess which one is the Charles Manson quote.
Dick: Alright? We can stop doin' this whenever you want. Sean, you guess too. Okay. I'm gonna - I got three quotes about pain.
Dick: "Turn your wounds into wisdom." That's one. "Pain's not bad, it's good. It teaches you things." And, "One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. That word is love." Which one do you think is the Charles Manson quote?
Maddox: Oh, boy. So, "Pain....wounds us"? What was the first one?
Dick: "Turn your wounds into wisdom."
Maddox: "Turn your wounds into wisdom."...
Dick: Second one's, "Pain's not bad, it's good. It teaches you things." And the third one is, "One word frees us of all the weight and pain of life. That word is love." Sean, what do you think? You think you got Manson dialed in?
Sean: I'll go with the last one, just because he mentions love -
Sean: - and that would be counterintuitive to what you would think.
Dick: True! That's true, that's the misdirect.
Maddox: That's the misdirect, yeah.
Dick: So that's the word in this text that tells you this guy's crazy, right?
Dick: That word?
Dick: Yeah, that was Sophocles.
Maddox: Okay. (laughs)
Dick: Greek philosopher...you know, a brilliant man of antiquity.
Dick: Charles Manson was the -- oh no, I'm sorry. Oprah was the first one: "Turn your wounds into wisdom."
Maddox: "...into wisdom." Yeah, I was gonna guess the second one after...after, yeah.
Dick: Manson was, "Pain's not bad, it's good. It teaches you things."
Maddox: That's true, though! I agree with that. Absolutely agree with that.
Dick: Yes, but you couldn't pick the crazy psychopath just based on the words!
Maddox: Yeah, but Dick, if you get a text from somebody, you have a history with them and you have some context! Unless you met somebody in a bar and that's the first fucking text they sent you, then yes, they're psychotic. But even then, you KNOW that you just met them, and if they're sending you crazy texts like, "Hey, pain isn't bad, it's good, it teaches you things"? That's a red fuckin' flag.
Dick: Okay! What if they're texting you something like *this*...?
Maddox: Okay. (in amused anticipation)
Dick: "Dogs never bite me. Just humans." ... "Animals shouldn't be hunted and nature shouldn't be disturbed to benefit the whims of mankind." And, the third one: "I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They say it's because it's such a beautiful animal." (Maddox scoffs) Which one is the Charles Manson quote, you guys? You're so great at texting each other all the time and calling is such a pain in the ass; surely you'd be able to find the psychopath in these words! (cynical)
Maddox: Yeah. Alright, Dick. Lemme tell you which one Charles Manson is, based on my texting history with him. Uh, I'm gonna guess the one with the -- where, 'humans hurt me, and animals don't.' Is that...was that one of the quotes? The first one?
Dick: "Dogs never bite me. Just humans."
Maddox: "...Just humans." I'm gonna say the first one.
Dick: Maddox says the first one. Sean, what do you think?
Sean: What's the second one again?
Dick: Second one is, "Animals shouldn't be hunted and nature shouldn't be disturbed, even destroyed, to benefit the whims of mankind."
Sean: Oh, I'll go with that one.
Dick: Sean - that's the Manson quote! Good for you.
Maddox: Yeah. (disappointed)
Dick: The first one - yours, Maddox - that was Marilyn Monroe.
Maddox: Eh, she's a psycho.
Dick: (guffaws) Well...
Maddox: Based on the number of psychotic women who quote her in their profiles!
Dick: Well, that's true. (amused)
Maddox: You know her famous quote, right?
Maddox: They say, "If you don't like me at my worst, then you don't deserve me at my best."
Dick: Yeah, I hate that quote.
Maddox: Every psycho chick I've ever dated, every one I've ever gone out with on a date, whatever, has had that as her profile. So, you know what? Let's not discount her as being psychotic either.
Dick: You wanna do one more?
Dick: I got one more.
Maddox: Let's do one more.
Dick: Alright. One more...um, this one's about being crazy.
Dick: "A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?" That's number one.
Dick: Got kind of a little...little rhyme scheme to it, huh?
Maddox: Yeah, that is a little crazy.
Dick: "A long time ago, being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy." That's number two. Number three: "Being crazy isn't enough." What do you think? What do you think, boys?
Dick: Which one do you wanna answer a phone call from?
Maddox: Again...well, no one. (Dick chuckles) If any of my crazy-ass friends sent me this, I wouldn't be friends with them.
Maddox: You know - I would've, a long time ago, unfriended Charles Manson. If he was writing crazy shit like this on Facebook.
Dick: You would never know, though! 'Cause you'd just text with him all the time, and you've not guessed a single Manson quote!
Maddox: I wouldn't have -
Dick: (interjects) So you have not been able to identify the psycho!
Maddox: No, you said I got the last one!
Dick: No, that was Sean!
Dick: You got the Marilyn Monroe quote last time, dickbrain!
Maddox: Oh...oh, yeah. And then I convinced myself that she was psycho, so I got... (cracks up)
Dick: Yeah! Oho! What do you think, Sean? Which one?
Sean: I'm goin' the third one -
Sean: - because it implies that he wants motivation.
Dick: "Being crazy isn't enough." Sean, you think that's Manson. Maddox?
Maddox: What was that first quote?
Dick: First quote was, "A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?"
Maddox: It's gotta be that one, because -
Maddox: - he's actually looking at the rationale of what he's doing.
Dick: Right, okay. So, let's see, Maddox is texting -- the guy that YOU think is crazy?
Dick: Uh, Sean...that's Dr. Seuss. Beloved children's author.
Maddox: There you go, Sean.
Dick: "Being crazy isn't enough." Maddox, you've selected...Einstein.
Maddox: Oh, great!
Dick: Yeah, Manson was actually the middle one: "A long time ago, being crazy meant something. Nowadays everybody's crazy."
Maddox: Well, I'm glad that Einstein had so much self-doubt!
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling) Look, that's...that's my game, that's my point. You can't tell who's crazy or not just by texting them; you gotta call 'em on the phone.
Dick: You got problems with your life, call people on the fuckin' phone!
Maddox: Another classic non-problem by Dick. (cracks up along with Dick) (game show music stops) But, uh, speaking of problems, let's move on to my last.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: This is a really important one. So I brought in two heavy topics this time, um.....Beats by Dre. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Is my second problem this week. (amused) So, for those who don't know, Beats by Dre are those giant headphones that *everybody* seems to be walking around with these days.
Maddox: Those are the white ones with the red 'b' on the side.
Dick: Yeah, they look cool!
Maddox: Oh, GREAT, Dick. You're part of the problem. So those things, first of all, are giant thief-magnets. Have you heard of this?
Dick: Okay... (skeptical)
Maddox: Like, crime has gone up because of these stupid headphones! Because they cost 400 dollars!
Dick: Crime has gone up because of the headphones? (mocking)
Maddox: Yeah! Listen to this - this is a report from Chicago. Listen to this.
[news clip begins]
Female Newscaster: A far more brutal incident in Chicago left Charles hospitalized after his Beats by Dre headphones were snatched from his head last Saturday afternoon. He was left unconscious, beaten, and bruised, with a black eye.
Male Interviewee: I am gonna be afraid for anybody that I see out on the streets with their...their flashy headphones.
[news clip ends]
(Dick, Maddox, and Sean all roar with laughter)
Dick: ...So that guy got his headphones stolen?
Maddox: Yeah, got his headphones stolen.
Dick: Oh, boy.
Maddox: And his ass beat. (Dick laughs) And then he went on -- this actually pisses me off, and it may be a problem at some point that I bring in -- but then he went on and said, "Well, I had three guardian angels come save me afterwards. They came and helped me."
Dick: Aw, Jesus Christ. (grumbling)
Maddox: And he kept referencing these guardian angels, like, "Yeah, thanks to my guardian angels, I'm here today!" I'm like, "Hey, dickhead! They're not guardian angels, 'cause if they were they wouldn't have let your fuckin' headphones get stolen AND let you get your ass beat!"
Maddox: Guardian angels save you before this shit happens! So anyway.
Dick: Well, you'd like to hope so, anyway. (dryly)
Maddox: So -- you'd like to hope so. So here's the problem with the Beats, actually. These are GIANT fucking headphones, and they have noise cancellation, and they're a distraction! Listen to this - this is from the same news report.
[news clip begins]
Female Interviewee: There also is advice not to wear headphones, because you can't hear if someone IS comin' up to you. You're not really aware of your surroundings without your audio.
Female Newscaster: Exactly, and that's what Chicago Police say: not to wear them while you're walking in the street. It can be distracting, and that's exactly what happened in this case.
[news clip ends]
Dick: (guffaws) HA! That's the news...tip?
Maddox: Yeah. That's from -
Dick: (interjects) 'Don't wear Beats, so you can hear people coming up to rob you'? (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah, that's -
Dick: (interjects) What are you gonna do, run?
Maddox: That's from myfoxchicago.com. (Dick laughs) Yeah, they're saying -- so this is actually from Gawker. Gawker has an article that says, "How to Get Your Beats Not Stolen" ["How to Not Get Your Beats by Dre Headphones Stolen"]. (Dick cackles) They have an article...they say, "If you pay hundreds of dollars for your headphones, make sure they don't have any easily identifiable markings on the outside that would alert thieves to that fact." So they're saying, 'Buy your expensive-ass Beats, and then cover up the markings on the side'?
Dick: Is this really a problem?!
Maddox: This is one of the tips!
Dick: Are people getting their Beats *stolen* -
Maddox: Oh, yeah!
Dick: - all around the...all around the world? (cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah, all the time! And then, here's the other tip: "Be aware of your surroundings at all times. Don't wear headphones." (laughs loudly with Dick) This is actually from Gawker! They're saying that those expensive headphones that you spent a fortune on - 400 dollars? Don't wear them.
Dick: But that's the entire purpose of Beats!
Maddox: (chokes on laughter) Yeah!
Dick: Their second-biggest selling point on their website is, "Put the world on hold."
Maddox: So I have another clip, actually. This is a guy on the New York subway, and he got his Beats stolen. (Dick laughs more) First of all, I'm just gonna come out and say, I am glad this guy got his Beats stolen.
Dick: Of course.
Maddox: Because he's one of the obnoxious pricks who's sittin' there with these giant cans on his head, SINGING as loud as he can, annoying other passengers...listen to this, here's the clip.
[video clip begins]
(sound of a man singing loudly and stomping his feet)
Male Onlooker: He's a crazy-ass nigga, man.
Dick: (interjects over clip) Whoa, whoa! [referring to language]
(sound of subway doors opening; singing man abruptly stops)
Singing Man: WHOA! My BEATS! MY BEATS!!
(sound of cameraman snickering)
[video clip ends]
(Maddox and Dick burst out laughing)
Dick: Hahahaha!! "My Beats!"
Maddox: Someone standing right next to him had enough -- maybe he didn't even wanna steal them, maybe he just wanted him to shut the fuck up, and he took his Beats. So...
Dick: Sounds like a self-correcting problem, though.
Dick: Like, you hate the Beats 'cause they're annoying, but all these annoying dickheads are getting their Beats stolen.
Maddox: Yeah, and guess what?
Dick: What's the issue?
Maddox: Now you're getting even MORE annoying dickheads walking around with Beats - the people who STOLE them. You don't want those jackasses walking around!
Dick: I don't know, I kinda...they look COOL, though.
Maddox: Aghhh. (annoyed) Garbage.
Dick: You gotta admit, they look cool.
Maddox: They look stupid! They're giant! You look like a fucking robot. You're not a DJ, dipshit! You're walkin' along the street - put your fuckin' earbuds in and shut the fuck up! Who -- why do you need 400 dollars...what kind of sound fidelity do you need walking on the streets of New York or Chicago? There's traffic running by, there's TRAINS running by, there's people talking, there's cyclists...and by the way, you need to be paying attention to all those people! All those people in traffic. If you have these giant CANS on your head, you're not gonna hear anything! You're not gonna hear shit! You're gonna walk into a manhole like a *moron.*
Dick: Yeah, but I'd rather somebody be on Beats than be looking at their cell phone. Right?
Maddox: Great, but that's not the problem. That's not the -- that's a false dichotomy. You're not really...that's not the choice here.
Dick: I don't know what that is.
Maddox: Okay...that's not the choice here. So, uh, the Beats are actually kinda shitty headphones, too! According to ZDNet, "Beats by Dre headphones get dinged for noise-cancelling performance (40%) and an uneven sound (25%) with overpowering bass (10%)." Fixya...
Maddox: ...there's a website called Fixya.com, and they did a report - it's like a blog that does reviews of these headphones. They say that "...with the randomly varying highs and lows producing music that doesn't sound cohesive, Beats by Dre can be notoriously spotty across all genres of music." They tend to drown out all the mid-tone -- all the mid-range, and the high-end, because they're so bass-heavy. [switches back to quoting ZDNet article] "But perhaps even more worrying was the level of headphone malfunction (15%)."
Dick: Are you serious??
Maddox: 15 percent of those headphones malfunction! You pay 400 -
Dick: (interjects) Seems like a lot.
Maddox: It's a really high failure rate!
Maddox: 15 percent of headphones - with no moving parts, by the way, except for maybe the noise cancellation - which require batteries.
Dick: You know what I did read? That all these reviews are reviewing these headphones based on all types...of genres of music?
Dick: And the reason they're so successful is that they reproduce a specific genre of music -- like whatever, the techno, EDM, "tween wave" stuff, hip-hop -- with such heavy bass, and they scoop out all the mid-tones, and it's just the 'bleep-bloop-bleeps" and whatever. That's why they're so big.
Maddox: No, they're so...
Dick: That's why they're so...that's why the reviews don't make any sense, because they're reviewing it across this huge spectrum of music, and they're specifically made to listen to like, the popular music right now.
Maddox: Yeah, but hip-hop has -- there's a lot of interesting hip-hop out there with a lot of interesting things going on in the mid-range, and they're not...they're just drowning all of that out! There's hip-
Dick: (interjects) Well, not according to Dre. (Maddox sighs) He's the one makin' the Beats, man!
Maddox: Yeah, well, you know what it is, this is just Nike in headphones. You're buying Air Jordans, except to put on your ears. And by the way, here's what you actually need -- here's what every Beats by Dre headphone should come with: a neck brace. Because these fucking headphones weigh a pound!
Dick: Oh, do they really?
Maddox: Almost! They weigh 14 ounces, which is .88 pounds.
Dick: Have you listened to them?
Maddox: Oh, Beats by...? Yeah, I put on a demo. Yeah. You know, it sounds fine, but all the reviews I've read...the top review on Amazon for the Beats by Dre headphones - the red one - says that they sound about as good as 60 dollar Sonys, or any of the 60 dollar -- like Sennheisers. You can buy 2 Sennheiser high-quality headphones for the cost of one Beats by Dre.
Dick: I'm wearing Sennheisers right now. "Sine-heisers." [alternate pronunciation] It's "sine-heisers," right?
Maddox: "Sine-heisers"? Or "sen-heisers"?...yeah.
Dick: Yeah, but they look so cool, man!
Maddox: They DON'T! They look stupid!
Dick: Like, they're all...no, they're cool-lookin'! They're all future-y, and they got those circles, and...like, these Sennheisers right now that I'm wearing? No one's -- I'm not gonna get laid with these. With these giant, puffy things?
Maddox: Dick, it doesn't...
Dick: On the side?
Maddox: ...it doesn't matter what you wear, you're not gonna get laid. (Dick laughs) But, here's the -
Dick: (interjects) Ha! Yeah, 'cause I CALL everybody, that's the problem. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah, you call everyone, like a sucker. No, but in the future -- things don't get bigger in the future, they get smaller and better. Those don't look futuristic, they look past as SHIT. I would see someone in the '50s wearin' those things and think, "Oh, what a moron! Look at those giant cans he's wearing." (laughs with Sean)
Dick: I don't know, man...
Maddox: Go to... (cracks up)
Dick: ...I really want some Beats. They look cool.
Maddox: You dummy. (Dick laughs) Go to the U.N., go to the -- there's a website. Go to Google Images and search for the U.N. communicator...transponder, or whatever. The communicator...uh, TRANSLATOR.
Dick: Okay, yeah.
Maddox: And there are these GIANT boxes. (cracking up) They look bigger than the biggest walkie-talkie you've ever seen. And that's what they use to talk into at the U.N., to translate their discussions in real-time.
Maddox: That's...that's what these Beats look like. These giant monstrosities on your head.
Dick: I think you would look cool wearing Beats, too.
Maddox: I don't know. (Dick smirks) I don't think I'd look cool wearing them. (chuckles)
Dick: We'll get you some nice, white Beats...yeahhh. (grinning)
Maddox: No, I don't think so. I don't think so.
Dick: You'd look cool, man.
Maddox: They stick out!
Sean: He needs a hoodie, too.
Dick: Yeah, a hoodie!
Sean: Are you wearin' a hoodie?
Dick: Yeah, dude!
Sean: You could pull that off.
Dick: You'd look cool!
Maddox: Could you guys stop dressing me? (Dick giggles) Alright? Stop dressing me with your eyes.
Dick: So what's your problem with the Beats, they're shitty headphones? That's it?
Maddox: They're shitty headphones, they weigh a lot, and they're distracting!
Dick: So don't BUY them!
Maddox: They're distractions -- I'm not, but all these idiots walking around the streets are bumping into people, and increasing crime...
Dick: Increasing crime? (skeptical)
Dick: This is a shitty reason to hate Beats.
Maddox: (interjects) YOU'RE a shitty reason to hate Beats. (cracks up hard) (Sean laughs in the background) No no, these are god-awful headphones. They look tacky, they're giant. How can you defend these?! These are...these look horrible!
Dick: 'Cause I think they look cool!!
Maddox: Well, it looks cool, but they're giant! They don't look cool!
Dick: 'Cause they're so like, CLEAN, man.
Maddox: You know what's clean -
Dick: (interjects) They're clean like cans on your ears -
Dick: - and they got that cool thing - they got that cool 'b'...that looks cool!
Maddox: The definition of "clean" -- if you look down the ocean and you see there's nothing on the horizon, that's a clean skyline! If there's anything jutting out from it that's not CLEAN. These are giant monstrosities jutting out from the side of your head like a fucking idiot. You're not a robot! Get that shit off there! Stop trying to become a cyborg by putting 400 dollar cans on your head.
Dick: (snickers) I mean, that sounds like it looks cool, too! Daft Punk looks pretty cool, they look like cyborgs.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. I'm sure Daft Punk has a neck brace under there, too. (Sean laughs) Maybe they're listening to Beats during their concerts. (grinning)
Dick: That doesn't sound like a big reason to hate Beats. They're increasing crime...what else you got?
Maddox: Distraction, theft -
Maddox: - increasing crime, they look awful, and they...are hurting people's ears, by the way. (cracks up) All this heavy bass...
Dick: Oho, here we go, they're "hurting people's ears" now. Alright! (jeering)
Maddox: Okay, I'm really stretching with that one, 'cause I don't give a shit. You know what? Go ahead - (Dick giggles hysterically) - buy your Beats, eat your french fries, and worship your dogs, you IDIOTS.
Dick: I do want Beats! I would really like a pair of Beats, except I found out that they cost 14 bucks to make. And they sell 'em for like 300, 400 dollars and they cost 14 dollars to make.
Maddox: Yeah, you're supporting this brand, this label...
Maddox: No, it's...well, Apple bought them now, yeah.
Dick: Apple owns them.
Maddox: Yeah, Apple owns them now.
Dick: What a great buy, man.
Maddox: Yeah, I guess. But you -
Dick: (interjects) I'll tell you why it's a great buy. No, go ahead, you finish.
Maddox: 'Cause it's the same -- yeah, I know why.
Maddox: Because it's the same suckers who buy these...who overspend on Apple for the luxury brand, are gonna overspend for Beats for the luxury brand.
Maddox: It's the same sucker market.
Dick: It's NOT. That's not why they -- I'm telling you, that's not why I think it's a great buy. It's a great buy because for 3 billion dollars, Apple has just bought an ad on *every* fucking prime time karaoke show, every sporting event, every interview...any time there's Beats anywhere - they're all over TV - that's now an Apple ad.
Maddox: I don't know, man.
Dick: EVERY fucking celebrity, every shitball celebrity, like for kids, is wearing Beats all the time. That's now an Apple ad.
Maddox: Well, you -
Dick: That's why they bought it.
Maddox: - you could...no, I disagree, because for 3 BILLION dollars, Dick, that's an awful lot of ad space you could buy! You could cover New York entirely with Apple banners. Which, they already have, you fucking idiots with your Apple store on 5th Avenue.
Dick: That's a different kind of ad. THIS ad, like, gets in kids' brains.
Dick: They're watching Richard Sherman ranting after a game, and what's he doin'? He's wearing Beats.
Maddox: Is he? I don't know.
Dick: You can't BUY that! You can't -- yeah! Of course he's - he's cool!
Maddox: No, he's not.
Dick: All COOL people are wearing Beats!
Maddox: Why is he wearing Beats and ranting after the game? Wouldn't he take them off?
Dick: 'Cause he's Richard Sherman!! NO, he's wearing them 'cause IT'S COOL TO WEAR THEM.
Maddox: You know what doesn't look cool? Those stupid headphones they wear in the NFL! I was just thinkin', those things are giant monstrosities, and that's what these Beats look like - those giant headphones in the NFL.
Dick: What are you talkin' about, coach headphones?
Maddox: Yeah, the coach headphones! They look stupid!
Dick: THEY'RE EQUIPMENT!
Maddox: Stupid as shit -- EXACTLY! It's equipment! (Dick laughs in amazement) You look like you should work in construction, not walk around listening to hip-hop.
Dick: Get the fuck outta here! (laughs more)
Maddox: Get the fuck outta here, with your fuckin' Beats and hoodies and your bullshit. Fuck your stupid headphones. You know what? You can get better audio fidelity out of 60 dollar cans, I guarantee it.
Dick: Well, that's what I was gonna say; when I found out that they only cost 14 bucks to make, I tried to find a good quality set of headphones -
Dick: - that look that cool -- that look as cool as Beats do?
Maddox: They don't look cool.
Dick: Well, then they look *as* cool as Beats do, fine.
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: But, uh...
Maddox: So, stupid-looking.
Dick: Yeah, well, whatever. I found a couple, but I wanted to run 'em by Sean to see what his audio take on them was. I don't have 'em on me, but that was just what I was doing in my personal life. I just wanted to tell you that.
Maddox: Thank you, thank for telling me... (cracks up) (Dick giggles) ...for telling me that you went shopping, Dick. You know, when they call -- slang for headphones in the music industry and in studios is "cans."
Maddox: And Beats *actually* look like cans. They look horrible. They look like tin cans you're putting up to your ear, they're so giant. They're SO big.
Dick: Okay, if you think Beats look cool, downvote this shitty problem; if you think that Beats are ugly, upvote it.
Dick: Is that...is that what's goin' on here?
Maddox: I can't wait for a couple episodes from now, when Beats try to take photo copyrights, and I'm gonna come in like, "I'm right, you idiots! (cracks up) Now Beats owns all the photo copyrights." You're lining Dr. Dre's pockets. Fuck that.
Dick: I don't mind that!
Maddox: Oh, why? Why DON'T you mind that? Why isn't that a problem?
Dick: Well, I'm not lining them, 'cause I'm not buying them. When I found out they only cost 14 bucks to make, I was like, "Oh, no, I can't do that. Then I'm a sucker."
Maddox: Well, of course they cost 14 bucks to make! And they have a 15 percent failure rate.
Dick: Yeah, that's bad.
Maddox: What an awful product!
Dick: That's bad.
Maddox: Who...why would you support a shitball product like that?
Dick: Well, once Apple takes it over they'll probably improve the manufacturing, though.
Maddox: Okay, seriously, can you remember -- look, one...these Beats almost weigh one pound. That's like having four quarter-pounders on your head!
Maddox: Walkin' around with four hamburgers on your head! Imagine walkin' around all day with four hamburgers. You look THAT cool, wearing Beats. (Sean laughs quietly in the background) Like a moron, with your greasy -
Dick: (interjects) How much does a beer weigh? Like with those beer hats?
Maddox: A 16-ounce? That's about a pound, yeah.
Dick: No, but it's - that's fluid ounces. It's not a weight ounce.
Maddox: No - yeah, I'm not sure, actually. I don't know, probably around there. But you're drinking it, so you're not wearing it for more than an hour.
Dick: That's true, it incentivizes you to drink it faster.
Maddox: Right! Whereas Beats incentivize people to steal them, I guess. Because they're 400 dollars!
Dick: Yeah, that's pretty funny. I do like that that guy got his Beats stolen. That's...cause of Beats, that exists. That's pretty funny.
Maddox: What, that clip?
Maddox: Well, I would rather idiots not be singing in the subway -
Dick: (interjects) I don't know why it makes you so angry! The Beats things. Like, why do you really hate it?
Maddox: I TOLD you, they're shitty headphones -
Dick: Shitty headphones...
Maddox: - they weigh a lot, they increase crime, they increase theft, and it's distracting. And you look STUPID wearing them.
Dick: People are getting suckered into buying them, do you feel like?
Maddox: Yes! You're not a DJ, wear your earbuds and shut the fuck up. And by the way -
Dick: (interjects) Ohhhkay. People are pretending to be DJs who are wearing them.
Maddox: Oh, please. Yeah, they think they're so cool with their Beats, walkin' around. And where do you even STORE those things?! Where the fuck -- if you went to meet your friend for coffee, what are you, gonna haul out your giant fuckin' one-pound headphones and put them on the table?? "Oh, excuse me, I'm done listening now!" Where are you even gonna store that shit?! You fuckin' idiots are obsessed with your iPhones and your Beats, and you walk around with CHARGERS and you always gotta -- you're tethered to the wall like a SLAVE, and with your stupid fucking Beats -- like, just more chains, more shackles that you have around yourself. Your neck, your head - a pound you're carrying around like four quarter pounders.
Dick: I think you...you take the Beats off and you wear 'em like a scarf when you sit down. Like, you put 'em around your neck.
Maddox: That's not a scarf, that's a shackle.
Maddox: So, that's the problem...so this week, what are your two problems?
Dick: Let's sum it up - I got Monkey Copyrights...
Dick: ...and No One Talks on the Phone -- can you think of something better than "No One Talks on the Phone Anymore"? There's alotta words there. "Phone-phobia"...what is it, "Voice" -
Maddox: "Phone Call Phobia." How about that?
Dick: "Manson Phone Calls."
Maddox: "Manson Phone Calls." (chuckling) ..."Lack of Phone Calls."
Dick: "Phones Are For Creeps."
Maddox: "Phones Are For..." No, you know what? "Lack of Phone Calls." How about that?
Dick: Yeah..."Lack of Phone Calls"?
Maddox: How about "The Extinction of Phone Calls"? "Phone Call Extinction."
Dick: Yeah, "The Death of Phone Calls."
Maddox: "The Death of Phone Calls," there you go.
Dick: "The Death of Phone Calls"! There we go, thank you for your assistance. And you got what?
Maddox: I have Female Genital Mutilation, and -
Dick: (interjects) JESUS Christ! Alright. (uneasily)
Maddox: - Beats by Dre. Two big problems. (closing riff starts) So, that's it. Go to the website, http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com and vote on these.
Dick: Yep! Thanks for listening.
Maddox: Thanks guys.