The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 11
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyy! What's up, buddy?
Maddox: Doin' the podcast.
Dick: Yeah. Alright! What's the biggest problem in the universe from last week?
Maddox: Drones! Drones. Finally, our fans aren't idiots for once, and they voted something that's an actual problem to the top of the list!
Dick: Eh, you know, um...you threw me on that one, when you started with drones, but I just totally agree with you, man. Like, the one, the *one* thing -- I think maybe this is an American thing, because as I understand it, cops in, like, England don't have Tactical Response Teams and a military division. Like our friggin' cops have military divisions, militarized divisions, and it's…I think it's just ridiculous! The last thing I want is for them to get drones.
Maddox: Yeah! It is ridiculous. And, you know, it will lead to more corruption and more abuse. Because already they're abusing people even just for recording them; I mean, forget about it! You should ALWAYS shoot drones. So.
Dick: No, my buddy is, um...he's, I don't wanna say a "gun nut," but he kinda is really into, like, rights? (Maddox chuckles) And guns?
Maddox: Okay. Did he mail ricin to President Obama? And get arrested recently?
Dick: Uh...you know, I don't know what he does all day.
Maddox: Okay! (cracks up)
Dick: I don't watch him all day. Uh, but he's…like, I'm kinda glad he does get in cops' faces, just because it's like, "Dude, if you don't, then no one's gonna do it."
Dick: And I'm sure as hell not gonna do it!
Maddox: Alright. I guess. Uh, but of course, you don't HAVE to. All these...you know what, now people are -- gun rights people are coming out against open carry dickheads, who bring their fucking assault rifles or their regular rifles...any kind of rifles…if you're bringing it to an Arby's, you're a DICK. And you're not making it better for gun rights people, you're making it worse! Because people get scared -
Dick: Ohh, man.
Maddox: - no one walks in -- no! These are actual gun people who are coming out and saying, "Look, I'm a Second Amendment guy, I have an NRA membership, I love guns; I'm always gonna defend the right to have a gun. But you're not helping our cause by carrying around your guns like fucking assholes."
Dick: You know what, though? Uh...okay. I've done those open carry things...
Maddox: Yeah, of course. (grinning)
Dick: ...and we did change the law.
Dick: Do you wanna hear...? Like, I don't know if I wanna get into this now, because it's a whole thing.
Maddox: Save it for a problem! That's actually -- I know the story, and it's a good one. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. And we totally...changed...California.
Maddox: This is true. This is actually true, this is a really good story.
Dick: I'll get into it another time.
Maddox: Speaking of the problems, I wanted to mention: we've never really gone over the overall problems on the list, but it'd be a nice recap. Uh, 'cause we haven't done that yet, since we just celebrated our 10th episode! The all-time top five problems are -
Dick: (interjects) So, can I just say, real quick?
Dick: If you go to the website, http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com, and click on "Problems" on the top, you can see this list that you're about to read from right now.
Maddox: Right. So... (drumroll sound effect) Number one is People Who Can't Eat Spicy Food.
Dick: Welp. (quietly) (Maddox chuckles) I mean, I don't know what to say about that.
Maddox: Then, number two is Armchair Psychologists.
Maddox: Number three is Conspiracy Dipshits...
Maddox: ...then, Other N-Words; if you remember, that was, uh, people who have a problem with the "R-word," and the "F-word," and the "G-word," and "M-word" -- everything.
Maddox: And then, Non-Apologies.
Dick: Non-Ap-- that one is such bullshit. I still get pissed off about that problem. What was that, like, Episode 4? 5?
Maddox: Somethin' like that.
Dick: Oh, that's...it drives me insane.
Maddox: Well, it's fair.
Dick: So the biggest problem is People Who Can't Eat Spicy Foods.
Maddox: Yeah. What...oh, and by the way, speaking of people who can't eat spicy food: so from that episode, I made a thumbnail to promote that episode that was a chili pepper inside a condom. (snickers) And one of the comments I wanted to read -- and I forgot to when we aired this episode -- but it's from Foseph Jerschke, and he just...he titled this perfectly. He called it a "chili pecker." (laughs) Which was *perfect.*
Dick: Oh, boy...yeah. That's good.
Maddox: Perfect. I loved it, absolutely.
Dick: That's funny!
Maddox: Uh, what comments do you have?
Dick: You know, so I got...I have one comment. My brother-in-law, he lives in Indiana.
Dick: And he calls me one morning way too early and he goes, "Um, Dick...I just listened to your podcast, and I've got, uh...I'm really angry with you."
Dick: "Like, I'm really upset."
Maddox: That's a good sign.
Dick: Yeah. And he's a -- he goes, "Yeah, I was listening to it on the way into work." And he works, like, at a huge corporation.
Dick: Thousands of people work there, they have a campus...
Dick: ...uh, he's not a slapdick, like, menial.
Dick: He goes -- like, he has meetings -
Dick: - he has PowerPoint presentations, and he has to...he has to do these things, that you hear about on TV.
Maddox: Yep. Sounds real boring, yeah.
Dick: Sounds awful!
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)
Dick: So our podcast is probably the one exciting thing that he's doin' this morning.
Maddox: Yeah, you're welcome. (smiling) So...yeah.
Dick: You're welcome! So, he goes, "Yeah...yeah. I was, uh, I was listening to your little podcast on the way into work, and something you said made me spit my coffee all over my khakis." (Maddox laughs) Like, he's dressed in a nice suit, or whatever.
Maddox: That looks -- that sounds like it'd look cool! He's got like, brown camo khakis!
Dick: That's what I said! (grinning)
Dick: So I was like, "Dude, come on! What's the big deal? You just take your pants off and work with no pants, like me." (Maddox laughs loudly) And he goes -
Maddox: (interjects) Again, you're welcome! Yeah.
Dick: Yeah! And he goes, "Yeah, that's not funny. Uh, I had to go around for the rest of the day looking like I pissed coffee all over my pants, because of your FUCKING podcast." So I was like, "Oh, uh, what joke did it?" Like immediately, fuck your problem!
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: "What was the joke that did it?" And he said it was something where I was yelling at my girlfriend. And I was like, "Ah, okay."
Maddox: Probably about smoking or something, yeah, you usually yell. Uh, that's funny. That's a good story!
Dick: Yeah! It's pretty good. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah, good story! Uh, speaking of comments from our fans, this is actually a review on iTunes about The Biggest Problem in the Universe. Except he calls it "The Best Podcast in the Universe," which, I agree, it is!
Maddox: Five stars! He gave it...uh, this is by Stygian Emperor, is the name.
Dick: This is on iTunes?
Maddox: On iTunes, yeah. So he said, "I've been waiting for a Maddox podcast for a while, and it's great as expected. His majesty the King is joined by lowly co-host Dick Masterson..."
Dick: Oh, COME ONNNN!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: "...who offers a hilarious bounce pad for conversation and argument by constantly being wrong." (laughs more)
Dick: Jesus Christ, I'm like a fuckin' garage door.
Maddox: "As a cool bonus it has audience interaction on its website where YOU, the viewer, can vote on which universal problem Maddox puts forth is bigger, or if you want, which of the measly annoyances Dick brings up are lesser." (laughs) (Dick sighs wearily) Well, Lady Thor was, uh, a big problem. (teasing)
Dick: Shut up. (Maddox bursts out laughing)
Maddox: "On the following episode the numbers are tallied and a conclusion is made, drawing us ever closer to the answer: What is the Biggest Problem in the Universe?" That is actually a great review! Right?
Dick: No, it is! Yeah, it's great. (cynical) (Maddox laughs) It's great. You seem -- you went over really well.
Maddox: Uh, yeah!
Dick: You sound really great. (annoyed)
Maddox: I sound great. But I really like the end of that tagline, the way he kinda built that up. It's, uh...I like that copy, it's written well. So, good job, Stygian. I'm sure Dick doesn't agree with...with parts of it. So what's your first problem? Let's get into the problems.
Dick: Alright. Um...okay, well... (chuckles) I got real measly annoyance for ya. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Like usual. What is it?
Dick: Uh, know-it-all masseuses.
Maddox: Oh! Okay. (chuckling)
Maddox: Know-it-all masseuses. (amused)
Dick: Know-it-all masseuses!
Maddox: What does this mean?
Dick: Is that -- do you know what a masseuse is?
Maddox: I know what a masseuse is, Dick.
Dick: Okay. (chuckling)
Maddox: Let's define it, however, for our audience.
Dick: A massager. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Also known as a massagist. No, look, my shoulder's KILLING me, man.
Dick: Like, I got one of these...I got one of these aches in my shoulder that's like, under your shoulder blade?
Dick: It's in that spot -- like, I'm a pretty muscular guy.
Maddox: Well... (skeptical)
Dick: You can....you know, you can say that.
Maddox: YOU can say that.
Dick: No, YOU can say it!
Maddox: I'm not.
Dick: You can *verify*...
Maddox: I will not!
Dick: ...that I'm very muscular. (teasing)
Maddox: I'm not gonna -- I'm not even looking at you.
Dick: Just look at me.
Maddox: I'm not, I'm looking down. I'm looking down at the ground. (quietly)
Dick: Okay, well... (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: This is a trick!
Dick: ...in submission, because of my muscles. (amused) (Maddox chuckles) So, I -- but anyway, I can't reach all over my back, right?
Dick: Like, I'm not one of those contorty guys. I can't...I *can't* get this stupid knot out from under my shoulder blade.
Dick: So I go to a masseuse, right?
Dick: And I'm like, I explain that to her, just without all the muscles parts? (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: 'Cause you don't wanna sound like a complete DICKHEAD.
Dick: (guffaws) Yeah! No. No, 'cause they're -- you're in their hands. And I'm like, "Look, I just got this...I got this thing right here, I just really need you to...I REALLY need you to just get this *fucking* knot out of my back. It's miserable. It's making me miserable." And she goes, "Yeah, well, the thing with pain is, it's all over your body." (Maddox sighs) "So, you know, I kinda gotta work all over, and maybe it's in your legs, and maybe it's in your..." And I'm like, "Ohhh god, okay. Okay, okay, just keep it together."
Maddox: One of these. Yeah.
Dick: And it's...I was prepared for it, 'cause it's not the first time I've heard this from a masseuse.
Dick: Every single fucking masseuse I go to gives me this same rap when I come in with a VERY specific problem.
Dick: Like, 'It's under my shoulder blade...'
Dick: '...it's right between my legs, like right above my balls - that area over there needs some attention...' (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Right. 'It needs to be worked out with your mouth,' huh? (laughs more)
Dick: Uh, HEY. Whoa, whoa, whoa. They...hands only. (smiling) Um, no, but I was prepared for it, but I STILL -- like, I had this whole routine to try to get her to just focus on that one spot…
Dick: …and it was like pulling TEETH!
Maddox: Oh! 'Cause you know what, it's kinda like they're mechanics, and they know they can sucker you with all their...jargon, and mumbo-jumbo, and chakras, and all that bullshit. (cracks up) By telling you, "Oh, well, it's a whole full-body -- your whole body's connected," and they're gonna start giving that spiel about how your hip bone's connected to your neck bone, and your dick bone, and whatever it is.
Dick: Wow! (chuckling in disbelief)
Maddox: Yeah, they're going to have to -
Dick: (interjects) Is that what it is?? Is it a long con?
Maddox: It's a long con! That's all it is! They want more hours outta you, that's all. They want to book you for half an hour, as opposed to five minutes. They could just stick their thumb under your shoulder blade, and you're DONE.
Dick: And fix it! Right?
Maddox: Yeah. There you go!
Dick: Oh, GOD. (exasperated) Dude, and I was -- I've been dealing with this all week! And I'm thinking, like, right now I'm at the point where...first of all, I'm not gonna ask a GUY to do it. I'm not gonna ask, like, YOU. Or Sean, Sean the audio engineer. I'm not gonna ask...you guys could easily do it, but I'm not gonna do that.
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: For obvious reasons.
Maddox: Appreciate it.
Dick: Uh, but I'm like, what do I need to...what do I need, a WIFE?? To do this? Like, how do I FIX this? How do I fix -- do I have to go on Tinder and match some fat broad to come over and work this thing outta my shoulder? (Maddox laughs loudly) Like, what do I do?!? I can't go PAY for it? (yelling) I'm sitting there with the masseuse, and I'm like, "You know... (splutters) ...can I just give you -- like, if I give you 100 dollars, can you just fix it? Whatever the massage costs, I *don't* care! Can I just give you 100 dollars so you fix this thing in my goddamn BACK?!" (desperately)
Maddox: (sighs softly) (sound clip of man saying, "Well, that's unfortunate.") (laughs)
Dick: Yahhhhhhh!!!! AAAAAARGHH! (Maddox laughs hysterically)
Maddox: Ohh, boy, Dick. Why don't you just like, rub it up against a wall or something?
Dick: I've been doing that ALL WEEK, I look like a god damn bear!! (Maddox laughs) I've been -- EVERY single corner I see. I was at a FUCKING bus stop, rubbing my shoulder against a bench!! Against a bus stop bench, to try to work this thing out, and I CAN'T! (through gritted teeth)
Maddox: Yeah, well, that's really bad. You know, your whole body's connected, and the muscles are connected... (mockingly) (Dick and Maddox both explode with laughter) Yeah...you go in wanting a spark plug, and they try to rebuild your engine. That's what they're doin'.
Dick: Yeah, they try to sell you a hot rod!
Maddox: Yeah. Next thing you know, you're gettin' a pedi.
Dick: And it annoyed me because I KNEW...I could see it in her eyes that this was rehearsed. Right? Like, some moron, some fatso comes in and says, "Oh, I have back pain."
Maddox: Dick, are you sure she wasn't just, uh...you know, maybe she was just into you! She wanted to get her hands all over you, huh? ( squeaky noises followed by 'splat' [happy ending] sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: What was that gross sound?
Maddox: That was a happy ending sound effect! (laughs more)
Dick: Oh! (cracks up) Oh, jeez...
Maddox: By Sean, our audio engineer, thank you. He made that custom for this problem! (through laughter)
Dick: I don't know if Sean wants credit for that. (grinning)
Maddox: I'm sorry, Sean, we'll edit that out. So uh, yeah. You, you...maybe she just -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, the joke. (playfully annoyed)
Maddox: What was she into? Maybe she was just into you!
Dick: No, no, shut up. No. (Maddox laughs) She was NOT into me. No one is -- no women are ever into me when I'm just being myself, trying to get a massage! (chuckles self-deprecatingly)
Maddox: Are you suuure? You know? You're lyin' down...
Dick: No, I lay it on real thick to get women into me.
Maddox: You're lyin' down on that table, she's massaging you all over your body, next thing you know... ('sproing' [boner] sound effect) (cracks up)
Dick: I...yeah. I, uh, that has happened to me.
Maddox: Oh, no!
Dick: I got like a half...a half a stiffy?
Maddox: Ew. Augh!
Dick: What do you mean, "ew"?
Maddox: Say "semi." It's "semi," is the word.
Dick: A semi?
Maddox: A semi.
Maddox: You don't have to finish it! (urgently) Everyone knows what you're saying, yeah! A semi.
Dick: I -- what are you "ew"-ing for? Oh, are you "ew"-ing 'cause I'm talking about an erection that I had?
Maddox: YES, yes! Yes. (exasperated)
Dick: Why is that "ew"??
Maddox: I don't wanna think about...your dick! EVER.
Dick: You...why were you...that makes you think about my erection? Just me mentioning my erection makes you think about my *actually* having an erection. (provocatively)
Maddox: Yes! Why wouldn't it? You just said "my erection."
Dick: Does it...does it help if I stand up?
Maddox: Ohh, boy...
Dick: So you can see -- (laughing) No, look, that...yeah, that happened to me. I don't know, this one massager was, like...I think she was into it too!
Dick: And I always regret not doin' something...
Dick: ...but I didn't know what the move was.
Maddox: Well...not what you did, apparently. Which is, what, just left? (negative 'sproing' sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: Uhh -- yeah, alright. (playfully annoyed) Fucko. Get off your sound-... (Maddox laughs more) Yeah, I just left. I couldn't think of something, uh...whatever, to say.
Maddox: How about just this: "How much for a handy?" (laughs)
Dick: No, it was a -
Maddox: (interjects) "Or a happy ending?"
Dick: It was a classy place. I'm not gonna start throwing out...terms like that with a classy girl in a classy place.
Maddox: Dick, if it's a classy place, they're not doin' that shit anyway! It wasn't THAT classy, if you -- if it came to that.
Dick: Nah, you can always...you can always get a little bit more.
Maddox: Mmm, not -
Dick: You can -- no matter where it is, you can...I think you can get a handjob.
Maddox: Uhh...okay. (uncomfortable)
Dick: I really think so.
Maddox: Dick, we're in a room with three guys; I'm sitting across the table from you. You're not gettin' a handjob in this room, ever.
Dick: Well, you know... (slyly)
Maddox: I will put money down on -
Dick: (interjects) Lemme start putting it on! (suggestive)
Dick: Lemme start -- um, yeah. So that's what happened to me. And it's due to -- 'cause what's worse than pain?? Like, what is worse than physical pain in your body? NOTHING.
Dick: I'd rather be dead!!
Maddox: Than...than be in pain?
Dick: Than being in like, excruciating pain.
Maddox: That's stupid. What are you, Million Dollar Baby over here?
Dick: ...Oh, is that what happened in that movie?
Maddox: Oh, you didn't know? Yeah! Million Dollar Baby, with Clint Eastwood and uh, what's-her-name, with the big mouth. She, uh, she got paralyzed, and it was a big, long...it's probably like a 45-minute suicide scene.
Dick: Ohh. (gloomily)
Maddox: That's essentially what it is. (through giggles)
Maddox: SUPER depressing. But -
Dick: (interjects) What a bummer!
Maddox: Yeah, well, that's you, man! You're... (cracks up) What did you, is that -- are you announcing your suicide on this episode, or what's -
Dick: (interjects) I gotta get this fixed, man. (desperately) I gotta go to...I gotta go to a strip club or something to get this knot outta my back.
Maddox: So you went to the masseuse, and she said, "I'll fix your problem," and you were apparently willing to pay 100 dollars for her to stick her thumb under your shoulder blade.
Dick: I shoulda said it. That was my plan. Like, she -- I kinda thought I cajoled her into doing what I wanted?
Dick: But then she didn't completely, and I shoulda just said right off the top, "Look, I'll just give you 100 dollars, if you just *please* do what I'm asking you to do."
Maddox: Yeah. Well...
Dick: But I got -- I swear, dude, the best shoulder rub I've ever gotten in my life was at a strip club. And I'm...if this thing doesn't clear up by tonight, I'm goin' there.
Maddox: ...Alright! Well, I guess...uh, I have plans too, I guess I'll tag along.
Dick: You can see a semi...
Maddox: OH-kay. (repulsed)
Dick: ...you can see my semi for yourself! (grinning)
Maddox: Gross. No way. Welp, I guess that's uh, that's your problem!
Dick: Yeah, that's my problem.
Maddox: That's all you got. Alright. Well, let's get to my first problem. This is a big one, actually....slacktivists!
Maddox: Right? These are slacker-activists. These are people who sit in their armchair and try to solve problems without actually doing anything. And this includes changing your profile picture on Facebook! So -
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: - a couple years ago, there was this campaign that was asking people to change their profile picture to their favorite cartoon character from a kid -- from childhood, to raise awareness about child abuse! (heavily cynical) (Dick laughs) What?! You fucking idiots! That's not raising awareness about anything, except for cool cartoons. And so all these -- like, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands of people, *millions* of people started doing this, and of course everyone lost focus and it didn't raise awareness about shit. Yeah, I know it exists; how is raising awa-- everybody's always just trying to raise awareness about everything! Sometimes raising awareness works; for example, if you're trying to raise awareness that gay marriage is acceptable, you wanna come out and make a stand, and say, "Hey, I'm okay with this, because it's a cultural phenomenon." But raising awareness about child abuse?! That's not gonna stop child abuse!
Dick: Well, lemme -- oh, you're definitely right -- but lemme also say, if you're raising awareness for gay marriage rights? Uh, don't do it in the middle of West Hollywood.
Maddox: (splutters; laughing) ...I'll agree with that! So, for those who don't know, uh, what is -
Dick: (interjects) No, 'cause when that Prop -- wait, what was Prop 8? It was either...
Maddox: Well, hold on.
Dick: ...it was called -- okay. A while ago, when gay marriage was allowed in California briefly, there was a proposition out to shut it down.
Dick: Right? And it was called Prop 8...
Dick: ...and that was gonna end it, 'cause they called it "Prop Hate." That's why I remember that.
Dick: *Great* name! Great marketing.
Maddox: Good anti-branding, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. So, all of these supporters of gay marriage poured out into the streets of West Hollywood...like, the second largest gay community in the U.S.?
Maddox: It may even be the largest. It may even be larger than San Francisco's Castro District.
Dick: Yeah! And I'm just sitting -- they're all having a big party, which was maybe the point, but I'm thinking, "You know, uh, why don't you guys mobilize to somewhere where they are gonna vote *for* this proposition?"
Dick: If you wanna raise awareness, go somewhere and show people that you're not a bunch of monsters, that you're cool guys!
Maddox: Right, right.
Dick: Like just go there and show them that you EXIST.
Maddox: Right. You don't have to do it -- you don't have to stand -- you don't have to go to a gay club and say that you're for gay marriage. (cracks up)
Maddox: Pretty much everyone there is already.
Maddox: Go to the suburbs, go to the sticks and start talkin' to those people, 'cause those are the ones you have to convince. You don't have to convince your friends. Alright? We're on board with you.
Dick: Is that slacktivism, to you?
Maddox: Uh, no. That is not slacktivism. Well, it is if they're not doing anything. So, slacktivism is anything where it doesn't inconvenience you; where you can do something supposedly without lifting a finger, without getting up out of your seat. Listen, if it's not going to inconvenience you, if it's not gonna take WORK to do, then you're not CHANGING anything! And this includes...here's some famous slacktivist campaigns: KONY 2012. Remember this guy?
Dick: You know what, I remember that thing, but I don't even know what that guy was about.
Maddox: Joseph Kony was the leader of...what is it, the LRA? Or some, uh...basically a militant group in South Africa, I believe, and he's jumped around through different countries. But he's this militant leader who kidnaps children...
Maddox: ...militarizes them...
Maddox: ...and abuses them, and -- you know, sexually, physically -- and he creates monsters.
Dick: (chuckles, grossed out) H'okay.
Maddox: And so this guy created this 30-minute video a long time ago -- what, in 2012. Just two years ago. He created this 30-minute video that went WILDLY viral.
Maddox: It was wildly successful; uh, tens of millions of views, almost overnight. And he cracked under all the pressure. He didn't even know what to do -- he ended up masturbating in San Diego. (cracks up)
Dick: Wait, really? The guy did? (amused)
Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah! He got caught in San Diego...he lost his mind! And he was out in the middle of the street, he stripped down naked and was jerking off. (Dick gasps in recognition) That's why they made that South Park episode!
Dick: THAT'S what that was about?!?
Dick: OH, my GOD!! I didn't KNOW that! They ref-- they did that bit TWICE!
Maddox: Uh-huh! Yeah!
Dick: Oh, wow!! Cool! (genuinely excited)
Maddox: So that masturbating guy is the guy who created the KONY campaign.
Dick: So you're saying -- this whole time I thought that Kony...that was like, a thing to get him elected as a president of something! (Maddox laughs) You're saying he was a *bad* guy? (Sean and Maddox laugh more)
Maddox: Yeah, because they BRANDED it like a presidential campaign! "Kony 2012."
Maddox: And it was hashtag #Kony2012. And by the way -
Dick: (interjects) And that was -- so he was, like, an evil person?? THAT'S how they did that?!
Maddox: Yeah! That's how they did that.
Dick: Jesus Christ... (whispering in disbelief)
Maddox: And by the way, they were saying that this is the number one criminal in the world; this is who we should ALL be focused on and going after right now.
Maddox: YET, he's still at large, and all these dickheads who went around putting up "KONY 2012" stickers on their bumpers, and on telephone posts, and passing out brochures at fucking STARBUCKS in Milwaukee...guess what, dickheads? He's still out there! He's still at large! What are you doing to capture him from Milwaukee, in your suburban house, dipshit?? (Dick smirks) You're not doing anything!! Put down the stupid fucking status updates, SHUT up, and do something...look, you wanna capture this guy, pick up a rifle and go to fuckin' Congo! Go to Africa and try to find this guy.
Dick: Wow! (impressed)
Maddox: Yeah, they -- you're not doing any with your fucking bumper stickers!! Or hashtags! No one cares!
Dick: Yeah...uh, I'm trying to think of any time that that *could* be useful. Slacktivism. I totally agree with you!
Maddox: Yeah! Well, the one example I gave is gay rights, 'cause you -- that is a cultural shift, you have to make a cultural shift.
Dick: So you think everybody should be saying that they're pro-gay rights on Facebook, and that that does something? 'Cause I don't think it does, man.
Maddox: It COULD...
Dick: Like, if you're preachin' to your own friends, and then they just, like, hide you or unfriend you?
Maddox: Well, you know, there are those stubborn people. But it's kinda like the acceptance of interracial marriage in our society, in -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, how'd they do that?
Maddox: Well, one of the first -- it was a slow acceptance, and one of the first TV shows that was brave enough to feature an interracial marriage, or interracial love scene was the original Star Trek.
Maddox: It showed, uh, I believe it was Sulu making out with Kirk?
Dick: No, it was Uhura.
Maddox: Oh, Uhura! That's what it was.
Dick: Yeah, but Kirk was under mind control when it happened. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Was he really??
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: What, you're bringin' -- you don't know this?!
Maddox: No, I didn't.
Dick: Yeah yeah yeah. No, Kirk got hit with a mind control ray, and he was like, evil Kirk, I think?
Maddox: Oho... (chuckling)
Dick: And they were like, so, *so* sexual.
Dick: Like, he -- they made out and they kissed, or whatever.
Maddox: Well, whatever. So that's an example of, I think, where it helps to make a cultural shift. Because you see icons who are famous and popular and LIKED, supporting this cause, and then that can create a cultural shift. You're like, "You know what? I'm okay with this."
Dick: Yeah, I think it's just...it's so much, though. Like, the gay -- okay, let's...I dig what you're sayin' with the Star Trek thing, and the interracial kiss. But it seems like with the gay marriage activism, it's just like...it's past that point where they're not getting more awareness going. It's like, okay, everyone on Facebook is... (searches for words) ...Am I wrong?
Maddox: You're wrong.
Dick: Is that wrong to think...?
Maddox: Yeah, you're absolutely wrong. So, you know -
Dick: (interjects) You think that MORE Facebook promotion is gonna...? 'Cause I don't think the people who hate it are that into Facebook! And if they are, I don't think they're friends with the people -- you know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Yeah, Dick, I know what you're saying, and you're wrong, and I'll tell you why: because on my Maddox account, on my Facebook Maddox account, I'm friends with...well, "friends," and I'm using quotes here...but I'm friends with about 5,000 people -
Maddox: - because that's the limit on Facebook, plus I have 20,000, you know, supposed followers or whatever. But I can see all of their status updates, and it's not just this liberal, uh...echo chamber that you get in liberal states, and it's not just a conservative echo chamber that you get in conservative states.
Maddox: But I see a large swath of America, and I can see that shift happening gradually over time -
Maddox: - and I've SEEN the debate shift. So, that's one example. But I wanna get to back to slacktivists.
Dick: That's interesting!
Maddox: Yeah. Uh, Livestrong! Livestrong bracelets - remember Lance Armstrong?
Dick: Yeah, Lance Armstrong, man. (smiling)
Dick: One of history's greatest cheaters.
Maddox: Oh, I...
Dick: Let's say that. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, he's an admirable cheat. (scathingly)
Dick: He's great.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: He got a little greedy! He shouldn'ta come back for lucky seven!
Maddox: Yup! He did get greedy.
Dick: That was his undoing.
Maddox: Oh man, and he was such a prick to his competitors!
Maddox: He was SUCH an asshole. And yeah, he was unbelievable -- what, were you...what do you wanna say, Sean? [Sean declines] Oh...yeah.
Dick: Nononono, here's the lesson from Lance Armstrong: share the wealth. (Maddox chuckles) If he had included his teammates in on his cheating, he would never have gotten caught.
Maddox: Well, he DID, for a long time, and a few of 'em cracked under the pressure. They just felt guilty! Like, it takes a certain type of mentality to be that socially un-...uncaring.
Dick: Unbound by stupid moral... (Maddox cracks up) ...stupid moral quandaries.
Maddox: No -
Dick: It takes a WINNER. That's the mentality you're describing.
Maddox: No, it's almost sociopathic. A COMPLETE lack of empathy.
Dick: Almost! But not quite. That's the line you wanna ride in this world, buddy. (grinning)
Maddox: That's right, I don't wanna be an armchair psychologist. (Dick laughs) God forbid. So lemme get to another one; this one is actually -- this one *pisses* me off. It's the Product Red campaign. Now, have you seen...do you know what the Product Red campaign is?
Dick: Uh, is it like, AIDS?
Maddox: Yeah, it's...it's supposed to raise awareness -- again, there's that key word, "raise awareness" -- for AIDS.
Maddox: But it's also, it's -- so, this was created by Bono, U2 frontman Bono, and -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah, I don't like that guy.
Maddox: Yeah, he's such a dick. And some guy named Shriver. So anyway, they created this campaign where they went to a whole bunch of different brands, and they said, "Look, create a certain type of your product that is red themed, and then a certain percentage of those sales will go towards helping fight AIDS in Africa."
Dick: Oh, boy. (derisively) Okay.
Maddox: That's the -- and then they had these large banners and billboards everywhere that said, "Inspi(red)," and then the word -
Dick: (interjects) Inspi-red. [articulating the word "red"] Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. "Inspi(red)," and the word "red" was in parentheses. Um -
Dick: (interjects) That's a cool design.
Maddox: Yeah. You know what? It's very 'ti(red).' (Dick and Sean laugh loudly)
Dick: Hahahahaaaaahaha! Alright.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm so sick of seeing it. So, this is from Adage.com; they talked about the....the effectiveness of this campaign. This came out in 2007. It said, "It's been a year since the first Red T-shirts hit Gap shelves in London, and a parade of celebrity-splashed events has followed: Steven Spielberg smiling down from billboards in San Francisco; Christy Turlington striking a yoga pose in a New Yorker ad; Bono cruising Chicago's Michigan Avenue with Oprah Winfrey, eagerly snapping up Red products. [...] So you'd expect the money raised to be, well, big, right?"
Dick: (interjects) Yeah!
Maddox: [continues quoting article] "Maybe $50 million, or even $100 million."
Dick: 200! That's what I think.
Maddox: Nope! 18 million.
Dick: For all those celebrities to team up...and what, buy Red shirts and all this Red crap? They raised 18 million dollars?
Maddox: 18 million. It's says -
Dick: (interjects) That's it??
Maddox: That's it! Not 50, not a 100 million. So for all this fuss and all these stupid billboards -- "Inspi(red)," tired, whatever -- 18 million dollars. And it says, "…the collective marketing outlay by Gap, Apple and Motorola for the Red campaign has been enormous, with some estimates as high as $100 million." So, do the math here: they spent 100 million dollars in advertising and creating all these products and billboards, and all this BULLSHIT, and they only raised 18 million.
Dick: Well, how much did they keep for themselves?
Sean: Right. (from the background)
Maddox: That's -- so that's one of the problems here, is that there's no transparency! Nobody knows exactly how much is going towards donation efforts.
Dick: Yeah... (unsure)
Maddox: So it says...it says here -- there's a criticism from this San Francisco art group -- it says, "'Shopping is not a solution. Buy less, give more,' is the message at buylesscrap.org, which encourages people to give directly to the Global Fund." Now, had they just taken this 100 million dollars and donated it directly towards anti-AIDS...
Maddox: ...uh, campaigns and promotions and organizations, they woulda had...
Maddox: Yeah! Actual potential prevention.
Dick: Yep. Mhm!
Maddox: And also, another criticism of this is that the money they're raising is going to pharmaceutical companies who are going to create a...they're going to create a cure for AIDS that isn't going to be free.
Dick: Okay, hold up. I gotta stop you before you get into the conspiracy shit.
Dick: Because my only point is, people don't give a fuck about this stuff. You know what I'm saying? They like -- they're purchasing the ability to look like they care.
Maddox: Yeah! That's what it is, it's a very showy way of saying, "Hey guys, I CARE."
Dick: Well, you know what? What is...what is it against them? I'm really - I'm genuinely asking this. If somebody wants to look like they care, and whoever, Gap or Bono, sells them the ability to feel like they're contributing, but they're NOT really...do you think they really care? Like, do you think the average person thinks they're getting duped? 'Cause I kinda don't -- I think in the back of their mind, they just don't...they like to *feel* it, and they don't really care.
Maddox: Mmm. Maybe.
Dick: Is that too cynical, or do you think there's any truth to that?
Maddox: Well, I'm kind of on board with that. Look, I myself am responsible for a campaign similar to this. Back when Hurricane Katrina struck the United States, the...uh, what was it, New Orleans -
Maddox: - I decided to create a campaign on my website where I donated...I don't remember what percentage, but I said…for the month of, I believe, October, back in 2003 or 2004, I donated some percentage of my proceeds towards Hurricane Katrina.
Maddox: And I raised something around 3600 dollars, or somethin' like that. You know, I'm not a...I'm not a big player, I'm not making millions of dollars. However, it was a considerable amount, for me! So I donated that, and I remember... (cracks up) ...uh, when you donate it to the Red Cross, they ask you what you want your title to be. And I found this old, um...certificate that they sent me a long time ago and it said, "To The Honorable Maddox." (Dick chuckles) I remember, I chose "The Honorable," and then I went on this big campaign where I wanted people to kiss my ring -
Dick: Uh-huh. (amused)
Maddox: - and I was gonna wear a crown and a cape. That's where, actually, my crown and cape getup came from.
Maddox: It's because I did this honorable thing, and I wanted people to praise me for bein' such a...philanthropist.
Dick: It's great marketing.
Dick: Did your sales increase as a result of this, uh, charity? (wryly) Ploy?
Maddox: They did! They did, and some people criticized me. MOST people -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I bet!!
Maddox: Most people -
Dick: (interjects) ME, right now. (Maddox laughs) Are criticizing you.
Maddox: Most people were on board. However, some people criticized me, because they said, "Look, if your intentions were pure, if you didn't try to do this just for publicity to make more sales, you could've just donated that money." However, there are certain people who absolutely wouldn't donate to the Red Cross -- they don't care about Hurricane Katrina -- however, they do like me and they do want my products. So for those people, I am taking some of the money that they're giving ME -
Dick: (interjects) Ohh, you're tricking them out of their money, to *donate* it. (mocking) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I'm tricking them into doing something good.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning) And you don't think Bono's doin' that? And Oprah, drivin' down the street?
Maddox: Well, not if they're spending 100 million dollars -
Dick: (interjects) I dunno, it sounds like you're doin' exactly what they're doin'! (teasing)
Maddox: No! Except -
Dick: To me, I'm just sayin'!
Maddox: No, but I'm not creating this showy -- I didn't create a specific shirt that said, "I donated to Katrina." 'Here you go, dickhead!' (mockingly) That's exactly what -
Dick: (interjects) Ehhhh, what's the difference? (still teasing)
Maddox: No, the DIFFERENCE is that he's making some showy statement about it. He's saying, "Okay, now you're buyin' this product, and you're -- it's RED, and everybody can see it, and it's very showy."
Maddox: And by the way, some of the companies that jumped on board with this were so stupid! Like Microsoft? With Microsoft -
Dick: (interjects) Yeahhh!
Maddox: No, but here's how they, they...
Dick: I'll take a red Zune! (Maddox cracks up) Is that what they did?
Maddox: No, it wasn't like that! They just created a version of Windows Vista that came with like, some red backgrounds.
Dick: Oh. (disappointed)
Maddox: Some red desktop pictures! Are you kidding me??
Dick: So, what I'm seeing is...um, Maddox raised how much for charity?
Maddox: Around 3600....4000, yeah.
Dick: 3600? Okay. And Bono raised 18 million.
Dick: It looks to me like Bono's a better person than you when it comes to charity. (Maddox spits out laughing)
Maddox: Fuck you. (playfully)
Dick: I'm just looking at the numbers! That's what I see.
Maddox: Fuck you, and fuck Bono.
Dick: And Bono...Bono was putting on a big show about it, and you are humbly walking around in a cape and a crown. (dryly) (Maddox bursts out laughing) Is that...do I have the story right?
Maddox: (sound clip of Dick yelling, "That's ridiculous!") (Dick guffaws) No, you don't have the story -- you know, the difference is, though, DICK...
Dick: What's the difference? (smiling)
Maddox: ...is that I'm *honest.* Okay? (Dick laughs) I'm coming out there like a big fucking deal: "Kiss my hand, because I'm such a great philanthropist." Whereas Bono is trying to do it under this...veneer of actual philanthropy, whereas it's just this big fucking publicity -- these companies don't give a shit about people in, uh...suffering from AIDS in Africa!
Dick: They might!!
Maddox: Maybe! If they -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, they kinda might.
Maddox: Fine! Then they can just donate that money they're spending on ADVERTISING.
Dick: Yeah, but you can't do it like that. Like, you gotta -- if you're running a company, you gotta work it into some kind of sales thing. You gotta pitch it to the -- like, you have a responsibility to your shareholders to make the cash. Right?
Maddox: That's exactly what this is! So that's what they're saying.
Dick: But they could...they're also doin' some good, is what I'm saying too. I'm genuinely saying this!
Maddox: I don't think they did, and I think that people who buy those Red campaigns are just trying to show off. They're being -
Dick: (interjects) THAT'S what I think your real problem is!
Dick: The people who are showing off.
Maddox: It's part of the real problem, sure!
Dick: Yeah, but I'm with you on that one.
Maddox: Yeah. So, it's a very slacktivist thing, where you can go to the store and buy -- you know what, people these days are no longer just buying products; they're buying narratives.
Maddox: They're buying stories. So if you go to the store and you buy a package of eggs, they look on that carton and they see: "Oh, this is a...a free-range chicken! That lived on a farm!" (Dick laughs softly) "Oh, tell me about this farm it was raised on! Oh, it was fed Omega-3 and pure vegetarian feed?" Like, that's -
Dick: (interjects) Free-range? All day? (playing along with story)
Maddox: Free-range! Yeah, free-range, runnin' around...
Dick: It had a little TV? They had a chicken puppet theater out there every day?
Maddox: Oh, sure! It got little massages...you know, THOSE chickens didn't have knots in their shoulders! (Dick smirks and laughs) They got massages - they didn't have to do that runaround with the masseuse, either!
Dick: I'm gonna eat the shit outta that chicken. (playfully)
Maddox: Yeah! So people go out and they're buying this story, so they FEEL good about products, without lifting a fucking finger! You're just buying eggs, dickhead, you're not saving the world!
Dick: Yeah, um...I'm just gonna throw this out there: you are a huge slacktivist.
Maddox: I'm not!
Dick: You started -
Maddox: (interjects) How dare you. (flatly)
Dick: - your site is based on posting rants on the Internet.
Dick: You're not doing anything about these things, you're just...ranting about them.
Maddox: That's not true, sometimes I do things about 'em.
Dick: Lllllllike what?
Maddox: Like, for example, when my car got broken into, I stayed up all night -- up until about 4 or 5 A.M. -- with a machete, watching for the guy to come back. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Okay, that's not at all what I'm talking about. (laughs with Maddox) Do you have any MORE examples, aside from your, uh...?
Maddox: Well, the things that I bitch about -- like, for example, Crappy Children's Artwork, okay?
Maddox: It's kind of a joke that I'm making fun of these kids, but in the thesis of my book, in the introduction, I laid out EXACTLY why it's important that we harshly criticize our kids! (Dick laughs) Because they're growing up to be lazy -
Dick: (interjects) And when you say "OUR kids," you mean other people criticize their kids, 'cause you don't HAVE any. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yes! Yes. And by the way, Dick, last time -- uh, so, a couple episodes ago, we talked about shaming kids.
Dick: Don't shame your kids, don't humiliate them.
Maddox: Yeah -- no, that's bullshit! There's a guy...I forget, I think his name's Frederick something. His daughter posted this bitchy little comment on Facebook about how she was tired of doin' her chores, and her dad's mean because he doesn't pay her, and she has to clean off the counter when she gets home and make her bed every day. WAHH! (whiney voice) (Dick scoffs) So -
Dick: (interjects) Make your bed -- man, I don't make MY bed. She's right! I don't have to clean off my counters and make my bed.
Maddox: Okay, well...
Dick: Fuck that!
Maddox: ...Princess Masterson! (Dick giggles) You're fine, I guess, your parents are raising you differently, but -
Dick: So low. (grinning)
Maddox: - HER parents had these rules. And she said that her dad was bullshit, her mom was bullshit, and she said...
Dick: Whoa! Language!
Maddox: ...yeah, and she said somethin' about the cleaning lady; she said, "You know what, I shouldn't have to do this! That's why we have a cleaning lady." What a spoiled snot!
Dick: Hoo, spoiled! That's spoiled.
Maddox: Yeah, and the dad had just prior, just the day before, spent six hours upgrading her laptop, installed 130 dollars worth of software on it, fixing it up for her so this little snotnosed brat can go to school and get an education, do whatever she wants -
Dick: (interjects) Hold up, hold up. So already I'm seeing a big parenting mistake. Already I'm seeing a guy...a guy who's investing all this time in this computer, probably because he has this, like, stupid techno-fetish -
Dick: - where he likes upgrading computer systems and installing all this garbage.
Maddox: No, you're wrong.
Dick: Yeah, this is -- that's what -
Maddox: (interjects) He's an IT manager, that's why he did it.
Dick: Yeah, as an IT manager, he should know that this little girl doesn't need this kind of computing power. Like, it SEEMS TO ME like he's...this is a compulsion that he has, that he's putting on her, 'cause a kid doesn't need that kind of crap at school! (Maddox sighs irritatedly) And that he's not -- do you at least follow what I'm saying?
Dick: My -- yeah!
Maddox: I mean, you're wrong already, but go on.
Dick: And that she's ALREADY a spoiled brat, taking a gift from him with this computer that means nothing to her, and he's not recognizing that.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: Okay. (laughing) (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Okay, Dick, now here's the actual truth: he was probably just installing anti-virus software, so his dumbass daughter doesn't install some...some bullshit virus, and he's just trying to protect himself. So, anyway.
Dick: You know what? Get a Mac. (Maddox scoffs and splutters)
Maddox: D'oh!! I'm gonna throw my fuckin' laptop at you, how about that? Huh? (Dick laughs) You're gonna have a PC right in your forehead. So anyway -
Dick: (interjects) So then what? What did he do?
Maddox: So he created this video -- this is all on a video on Facebook.
Maddox: He went and he grounded her for 3 months...
Maddox: ...took away her laptop, he said, "Oh, you think I should PAY you on top of the laptop I've already given you, and your iPod, and all this other shit? And you're not even paying rent?!"
Dick: This is a very childish response.
Dick: Keep going.
Maddox: Nope! It's got 38 million views, and tens of thousands of people have approved, and parents constantly saying --
Dick: (interjects) THAT DOESN'T MEAN IT'S RIGHT!
Maddox: It doesn't mean it's WRONG! So anyway, he posted this video on her personal account, showing her friends how 'cool' she is for mouthing off at her parents -
Dick: This is *horrific* to me.
Maddox: - and, AND -- I know, Dick, because you're fucked!
Dick: Oh my GOD.
Maddox: And he took her laptop and shot it.
Maddox: He shot her laptop to pieces.
Dick: And put that video on the Internet too, I'm guessing?
Maddox: Yeah! It was all on...yeah, it's all the same video!
Dick: What an asshole.
Maddox: Good for this dad! NO -
Dick: No, fuck that guy!
Maddox: - spoiled kids are -- oh, how would you fix your mouthing off daughter? Which, by the way, you wouldn't think is a problem, 'cause you wouldn't even make her make her BED.
Dick: Kids...mouth off. Okay?
Maddox: Oh, okay. (chuckling derisively) Okay, Momma Masterson!
Dick: Nononono, you're telling me that if you had a kid who went on their Facebook account and bitched you out...
Dick: ...for doing -- I don't know what you'd be doing to this kid. You'd probably be installing, like, an anti-drone system outside their bedroom (Maddox laughs) so the feds don't spy on them.
Maddox: Yeah, you're welcome.
Dick: Yeah. And they went online and bitched at you...you would take something that you BOUGHT them, by the way, film yourself out in the backyard shooting it, upload it onto THEIR Facebook profile, and then you'd wipe your hands of it and say, like, "Yeah, I think that probably solved the issue."
Maddox: Uh-uh, you forgot grounding them. ('ding!' sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: Grounding -- is that what you would do??
Maddox: That's absolutely what I would do.
Dick: I don't think you would do that!
Maddox: Why not?!
Dick: I really don't think you would do that.
Maddox: Of course! If some -- if my dickhead little kid, spoiled little brat, expects money on top of everything I've already bought for her?
Dick: You made this person! That's the difference! You made this kid into what they're doing. They're acting out 'cause of the way YOU raised THEM. You gotta look at yourself first. This jackass, before he goes outside and goes to town like Yosemite Sam on his OWN property -- number one, stupid (Sean laughs) -- he's gotta look at what he did to cause this! And the solution...I guarantee you, if somebody punished this guy the way he's punishing his daughter? It would not fix the problem. Like, whatever's wrong in his brain that's making him parent like this is the EXACT same thing that's wrong with her.
Maddox: No! He grew up, and he had a hard life! He talked about it, he said he went to college and high school at the same time. He worked...
Maddox: ...he moved out of his parents' apartment. Yeah! He had a hard fuckin' life!
Dick: He went to college and high school at the same time? What the hell does that mean?
Maddox: Yeah, because he's BRILLIANT. Because he's a genius, and that's what he does: he geniously raises his kids.
Dick: And he tells everybody about it on the Internet. (cynical)
Dick: He's always talkin' about how smart he is and how right he is -
Maddox: Sounds like me!
Dick: - he sounds like a fuckin' nightmare. Yeah.
Maddox: Sounds like an awesome dude! Yeahhh. (gloating)
Dick: You know what? I take back what I said; if you did have a kid, you probably would do this.
Maddox: No way -- yeah, absolutely I would. (applause sound effect)
Dick: You can't... (flustered)
Maddox: I'm a hero.
Dick: You can't do it -- ehhhh. (dismissively) (Maddox laughs) That's another episode.
Maddox: Alright. What's your next problem?
Dick: Nononono, I didn't get through -- we didn't get through with you!
Maddox: Oh! Well, yeah, I just -
Dick: (interjects) That you're a huge slacktivist.
Maddox: I'm NOT a slacktivist, at all!
Dick: You got a problem with something, you go online and talk about it. What are you doin'??
Maddox: So, I Am Better Than Your Kids, I made the case that if you...if you coddle your children, they will never get better! You need to criticize them, and you need to be honest with them. And if it discourages them from creating art, guess what? They're not artists! Fuck off! And that's the same that goes for anyone who does any content, on ANYWHERE - YouTube... There's this big article that came out on The Daily Dot, where they were complaining about how hostile YouTube is to women. It's not just women, fuckheads! Read the comments on my account!
Dick: Yeah, they're horrible!! (cracking up)
Maddox: Read the -- I've been doin' this since 1997! I've been called EVERYTHING! I've been called every slur.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: I've been called the N-word! I've been called, uh...all sorts of ethnic slurs! I've been called gay, and straight, and virgin, and LOSER. (Dick laughs) And I've been told to kill myself!
Dick: (interjects) "Straight"?? Why'd you throw that in?
Maddox: Uh, 'cause some people thought I was gay, and they were like, "Oh, here's an insult!" (Dick laughs hysterically) I have been called *everything.* I've been -
Maddox: - people make fun of me for bein' bald, for havin' a big nose, for bein' too dark-skinned, for bein' too light-skinned, for being too SKINNY, for being too FAT! I've heard it fuckin' all, and guess what? I persevere, because that's what I do. I create. And if you can't handle the heat from your parents who LOVE you, then you sure as shit won't be able to handle it from strangers who don't!
Dick: Oh, man, please don't raise your kid like that. (grinning) Please don't scream at them about how you've been called every name in the book, and that they shouldn't worry about it! (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Dick, I'm telling you -
Dick: (interjects) "Daddy Maddox, I got called an N-word at school!" "OH YEAH? Well, I've been on the Internet since 1998! I've been called everything in the book!!" (crazed voice)
Maddox: No, Dick, what I do is I criticize cultural trends. I'm not asking -- I'm not doin' a call to action, and I DON'T expect change to occur from a lot of what I complain about. Just because I say something is wrong, doesn't mean that my action is trying to solve it.
Maddox: That's actually what the root of this show is! We're just talkin' about problems, we're not solving 'em.
Dick: Oh yeah, I don't wanna SOLVE any of these. Jesus Christ.
Maddox: No! God, no. (mocking)
Dick: I mean, I... (cracks up) I can't even get a good massage!! (Maddox laughs) So, what am I, I'm solving...what was it, slacktivism?
Dick: Yeah, um...you think it's been goin' on forever? Probably. Slacktivism?
Maddox: For a long time. You know, it's gotten worse! I... (stammers) Say what you...I hate -
Dick: (interjects) Like, is...?
Maddox: Yeah. [indicating for Dick to talk]
Dick: Sorry. Is, um...in medieval times, would they go around selling potions to people to, like, fix the weather? It's pretty much the same thing, right? Like doing weird rituals and prayers and dances to...
Dick: ...fix something that's totally out of your control?
Maddox: No, slacktivism -
Dick: And make you feel good about yourself?
Maddox: Slacktivism is something that's kind of new, because it's...it's also called "clicktivism," because you click and expect social change. Like all these dickheads who thought they were gonna secede from the Union when Obama was reelected? (scoffing) Fuck off! You think signing a petition's gonna do anything, ya moron?? Also, if you actually believed in any of that horseshit, you'd move out of the country. But where would you go? Because you're xenophobes! You hate everyone else. Where would you go?
Dick: Oh, my GOSH! Oh my goodness.
Maddox: Yeah! You know, that's the conservative response to a president they don't like. The liberal one is, "We're gonna move to Canada." Right?
Maddox: The liberals - "Oh, Bush got reelected, we're gonna move to Canada." (pouty voice)
Dick: What's the conservative one?
Maddox: The conservative one's like, "No, we're not gonna move! We're gonna make America move around us! We're gonna secede!"
Dick: Cool. (flatly) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah -- it's stupid! They're both idiots. (Dick laughs) They're both fucking MORONS.
Dick: Yeah. Um...
Maddox: Alright. What's your next problem? That's all I got, yeah, for my slacktivist...
Dick: Okay. Um, my next problem is Neil deGrasse Tyson.
Maddox: Yes! Finally! ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: "Yes"? You're on board with that?!
Maddox: I'm absolutely on board! I wrote this -- okay, well, what do you wanna say about it?
Dick: Nononono, because I know he's, like...I know he's the Internet, or hipster, pretend-geek Jesus?
Dick: But uh, I just kinda think he's a smug, condescending prick.
Maddox: Well...so, I don't know -
Dick: (interjects) I'm goin' with that.
Maddox: M'kay. I don't know how much of it I can fault to him. I don't fault him so much as his...his adherence.
Dick: Ahhhh. (satisfied) I'm glad you said that, because I brought in a great thing, here. So, I tried to find out what exactly about him rubs me the wrong way.
Dick: So I went on his, uh, Tweeter... (Maddox smirks)
Dick: ...and almost every single tweet annoyed me. So I brought them all in.
Maddox: Alright. (chuckling)
Dick: If you would like to go over some of them.
Maddox: All 20,000 or so?
Dick: Nonononono, just the ones that I found most annoying.
Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it!
Dick: Okay, or do you wanna go into your...what you don't like about him, first?
Maddox: Well, actually -- so, I wrote this article about the Facebook group "I Fucking Love Science," and I said that "You're not a geek, and you don't 'fucking love' science, and nerds aren't sexy."
Dick: Save that one. Yeah, you're -- I'm absolutely on board with that, but save that one.
Dick: Okay. Neil deGrasse Tyson quotes.
Dick: Uh, "What does it say about our society that we know the names of serial killers but we've never heard of Jan Oort?" (parodying a contemplative tone) Who is it?
Maddox: Um...she discovered the Oort cloud. I do actually, I have actually heard. I'm -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, so you have! So he's assuming.
Maddox: Is it O-O-R-T?
Dick: Yeah yeah yeah, you're right! It's the Oort cloud.
Maddox: Yeah! The Oort cloud, yeah.
Dick: Okay. Lemme tell you what it says about our society, Neil deGrasse Tyson, you obnoxious fuck. (Maddox smirks) It says that we're more interested in learning about what makes *humans* tick, and human relationships, and the human psyche work, than we are about stupid gas clusters (Maddox chuckles) in the middle of space that have nothing to do with anything. You condescending prick.
Dick: THAT'S what it says that we know more about serial killers, 'cause they're interesting and fascinating, and we all wanna know where that monster is in all of us.
Maddox: Well, serial killers also can actually kill us, whereas the Oort cloud will not. Uh, and it's not a cloud of gas, it's a cloud of like, rocky debris that's at the edge of our solar system. But -
Dick: (interjects) NERD. (smiling) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: But yeah, actually, I do know who he's talkin' about. So there's that!
Dick: Oh, yeah! Okay.
Maddox: So yeah, that's pretty condescending.
Dick: Yeah! Okay! Um, next one: "Just" -- here's Neil deGrasse Tyson -- "Just an FYI: Thursday the 12th is just as rare as Friday the 13th." (patronizing tone)
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: I mean, is this...? Okay, so Cosmos is about, like, phenomena in the universe?
Maddox: I haven't seen it, but yeah, I've heard rave reviews about it.
Dick: Yeah yeah yeah, that's what it's about.
Dick: Uh, so we may not know where the biggest black hole in the universe is...
Dick: ...but the biggest buzzkill in the universe is right here. (Maddox laughs) "Friday the 13th...uh, Thursday the 12th is just as rare." (stupid voice) Like, thanks, jackass!
Maddox: Well, that's true! (amused)
Dick: It's just a fun thing we kinda have, to do, to bond with each other, you robotic prick! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: You know, but he's kinda coming down on numerology, I think, with that one. He's saying, "Don't put so much faith in numbers."
Dick: He's...he's showing off.
Dick: He's just showing off his smarts -- like, that he's above everyone thinking that Friday the 13th is fun and cool.
Maddox: Alright, yeah...
Dick: And it is fun and cool. We have a good time.
Maddox: You kinda...yeah, you know, I was on board with this, but you're kinda sellin' me on him, if he sounds like a big braggadocious showoff that sounds like me! (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Okay! Here's one, here's another one. Um, "If aliens did visit us, I'd be embarrassed to tell them that we still dig fossil fuels from the ground as a source of energy." (smug voice)
Maddox: Ah! Okay, buhbuhbup, he stole that from me, actually. I... (cracks up) Not quite, but I wrote this article a long time ago saying that if aliens came to visit us, they would probably leave. And it's not just me, actually; I think the Calvin and Hobbes creator said that, uh, there's -
Dick: (interjects) People have been saying it since...FOREVER, man. I'm sure.
Maddox: Yeah, so lots of people have been sayin' that. And it's not just that fossil fuels -- here's the thing, Neil deGrasse Tyson: you know, we're doin' what we can. Sure, we could probably move off of fossil fuels quicker, but who knows? Like, we don't have anything to compare to. How's that for scientific? We have one sample of human beings, and that's US.
Maddox: We don't have any other sample of human beings to compare us to, for a gauge of where we should be at! So how do you know we're not already advanced for our age?
Dick: You know what? If you're so fuckin' worried about it, why don't you get off The Daily Show (Maddox chuckles) and your stupid documentaries and go invent it, Space Jesus? Show us the way, Neil deGrasse Tyson, so we don't have to dig gas out of the ground. (cynical)
Maddox: Mm, well...
Dick: Invent it! Go invent it for us, you effing jerk. (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) You know? Like, wha-- 'cause he's a scientist, he can say this?? Like, that's something that a 13 year-old GIRL would say!
Dick: Or boy!
Maddox: Oh, OH.
Dick: Whoever! Whoever, whoever.
Maddox: Yeah, don't wanna be sexist, sure. (amused)
Dick: Um, let's see here...okay. "The more..." Nononono, this is a better one: "In my NCAA wrestling" -- Neil deGrasse Tyson -- "In my NCAA wrestling days, I dreamt of a hold I called the Double Tidal Lock, inspired by Earth-Moon physics."
Maddox: What? (quietly)
Dick: That is an excuse to talk about how you were a wrestler in college.
Maddox: Yeah, that's a little...
Dick: That's all that is. Shameless! It's shameless.
Maddox: You know what, though? He's probably trying to get that, uh, physicist tail right now. Like, he's trying to get a little bit -- he's trying to get laid, here. That's what's goin' on, right? He's trying to get some of that physicist tail, that science tail.
Maddox: Yeah, that's what's goin' on here. (suggestively)
Dick: Uh, I got a great one for ya. Um, "Curious that we spend more time congratulating people who have succeeded than encouraging people who have not." (smug voice)
Maddox: Ohh, stupid! Shut up! (yelling) Shut up! We need to STOP encouraging people! Alright? That's the problem! That's what I was gettin' at as the root cause of these slackers growing up in I Am Better Than Your Kids. You stop rewarding people who don't deserve rewards! Stop giving TROPHIES to kids for trying! Alright?
Dick: You don't think we should...like Neil deGrasse Tyson thinks? You don't think we should encourage people who haven't tried?
Maddox: Who *haven't* tried?
Maddox: Sure, but if they try and fail, don't pat 'em on the back! Say "try again," but don't...you know. And again, people who win, they put a lot of effort into it! What's the reward -
Dick: (interjects) No SHIT.
Maddox: Yeah! What's the reward at the end of the tunnel if you win and nobody comes and congratulates you? Why would you even wanna win, dickhead?!
Dick: Neil deGrasse Tyson: "Just an FYI: There are two kinds of people in this world: those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don't." (patronizing tone) (Maddox sighs wearily) So you just did it. I mean...
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, is that a joke?
Dick: So, so condescending!! (growling) SO condescending!
Maddox: Is he being...is he being ironic there? Like, what's he doing?
Dick: I think that he doesn't understand how people, like, get along! I think he has no conception of, uh...human interactions.
Maddox: Well, to be fair, he may be lacking in that area because he has focused on science for so much of his life.
Maddox: So, you know, I can't fault him completely on that. There are lots of people like that.
Dick: Okay, this is...I think this is the last one I'm gonna do. Uh, "One of the biggest problems with the world today is that we have large groups of people who will accept whatever they hear on the grapevine just because it suits their worldview."
Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) Um...yeah, well...
Dick: I mean, this is a scientist -
Maddox: ...I kinda agree. I agree with that, though.
Dick: - this is what we're looking up to? This is what this guy....ehh. (trails off dismissively)
Maddox: Yeah. He's using his science fame as a platform. He's using it as some type of celebrity, so people look up to him and look to him for opinions, and he's using his platform to push other social agendas and that sort of thing. Which are tangentially related to science, but not really.
Dick: Yeah. You -
Maddox: (interjects) I'll tell you what, I've learned next to nothing scientific from Neil deGrasse Tyson, except he did de-list Pluto as a planet. He's responsible for doing that, when he was -
Dick: (interjects) FUCK that! Pluto is a planet! (Maddox laughs) We grew up with Pluto, it's been with us for the long haul...
Maddox: Yeah. (dryly)
Dick: ...it's a PLANET.
Maddox: Wrong. It's not.
Dick: It's just...it's more fun to have nine planets.
Maddox: Sure! It's more fun to have fifty! (cracks up)
Dick: Ooo, yeah!
Maddox: Think of the uh, homonym...what, er, the um...what's the word for -
Dick: (interjects) Names! (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: No, think...you know, that...what's the word where every letter stands for something? Homonyms? No, that's not it.
Dick: No, homonym is something that's -
Sean: (interjects) Acronym.
Maddox: No, it's...
Maddox: It's something else.
Dick: Oh yeah, I guess it is!
Sean: But acronyms have to be pronounced as words.
Maddox: Yeah...anyway, whatever. Homophone? No.
Dick: Homophone's something that sounds exactly the same...sounds the same.
Maddox: Let's forget we ever said this. (muttering) Um, so yeah, of course it'd be more fun with fifty planets, but who cares? Like, that's not important. Pluto isn't a planet, and I'm glad it's gone. Fuck Pluto.
Dick: [reading another Neil deGrasse Tyson tweet] "Just an FYI: If scientists invented the legal system, eyewitness testimony would be inadmissible evidence." (haughty tone)
Maddox: Okay, he's...he is definitely showing off there. He's saying some smug...
Maddox: It's like, borderline philosophical. Which, by the way, a lot of scientists disagree with! A lot of scientists dismiss philosophy; they don't think it has a place in science. Which it does!
Dick: I'm sorry, wait -- you're saying a lot of scientists dismiss philosophy? Yeah, yeah they do.
Maddox: A lot of scientists dismiss philosophy, because they don't think it has a place in science, which it *absolutely* does! Just start with the philosophy of ethics, and then about experimentation with chimeras, and things like that. Of course! You would have to ask these ethical questions. So they're very derisive of philosophy, yet here....you know, Neil deGrasse Tyson might be in favor of it, though. He's actually said some, a couple smart things, just to be devil's advocate here.
Dick: What? (skeptical)
Maddox: So, he...a lot of people assume -- he's kind of like this atheist superhero, but a lot of people assume he champions their cause as an atheist. But he's not! He's come out openly, like people ask him if he's an atheist; he says he doesn't even understand why that word exists.
Dick: Ohh, GOD. (exasperated)
Maddox: Why does the word "atheism" exist?
Dick: Here's ANOTHER smug, condescending comment!! Go ahead! (Maddox laughs) So he's -- so somebody said something about atheism, and he said, "You know, atheism? I don't even know why that word exists." (pompously) Go ahead, what's the rest of the quote?
Maddox: Alright. Hold on, hold on, I'll tell you why!
Dick: Yeah yeah yeah.
Maddox: I'll tell you why, 'cause it actually makes a lot of sense. He says, "Why do they have to have a word for something...for a group of people who DON'T do something?"
Maddox: Right? There's no word for people who don't play tennis; there's no word for people who don't bowl; there's no word for people who don't own yachts; but there's a word for people who don't believe in any god, and it's "atheist," for some reason.
Dick: Yeah, but there's a word for people who don't appreciate art: "philistines." There's a word for people who don't live in luxury: "ascetics." There's a word -
Maddox: (interjects) That's -- well...
Dick: There's a word FOR it, because -
Maddox: (interjects) That's not specific.
Dick: What do you mean, "that's not specific"?
Maddox: "Ascetic" is not, is not...
Maddox: Yeah, it's not specific to people who don't live in luxury. It's also people who -
Dick: It's people who...
Maddox: - who live in denial. Denial of pleasures, any kind of pleasures.
Dick: That -- yeah. So, people who live in denial of God are called "atheists," you FUCKING jackass. (Maddox chuckles) Like, every argument he has for things is SO condescending and smug, I can't fuckin' take it. (seething)
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know. I think the -
Dick: (interjects) He's like the Pied Piper to me. Sorry, go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah, I think the reason he does that is...or, the reason he said that is because by default, when you're born, you're born not believing something and then at some point in your life, you choose to.
Dick: But what if that...that's not a scientific thing to...like, what if it's engrained in the human evolution? Love is! Love is absolutely part of the genetic code. What if believing in some kind of religious, like, superhero is part of it?
Maddox: Well, this is...you're gettin' really romantic here. (cracks up)
Dick: No! I'm just saying, it's not scientific to say that! It's not crazy, what I just said.
Maddox: There's no...well, there's no evidence that people are born believing in some kind of deity. There has to be...
Dick: There IS evidence, because all cultures across the globe evolved and grew up creating their own deities that are very similar!
Dick: That's PLENTY of evidence to me.
Maddox: Right, but if you have a baby born in a room someplace, and you don't expose him or her to any kind of religion, the baby's not going to just -
Dick: (interjects) They will make up a religion.
Maddox: Maybe! Maybe not!
Maddox: Maybe, you know? But, okay -
Dick: (interjects) Well, that's my response.
Maddox: Okay. Well, that's a fine response, and you're allowed to be wrong. (Dick smirks) So... (laughs)
Dick: What's your problem? You have one more, right?
Maddox: My article -- I do, but I just wanna say this: in my article a long time ago I wrote, about "I Fucking Love Science," I actually bitched about Neil deGrasse Tyson too. Because they worship him like some kind of...I dunno, Internet Jesus. Like, that's what he's become.
Maddox: He's like this Internet Jesus, and it's gotten to the point where, uh...he doesn't even have to do or say anything, people just love him by default! They don't even know what he's done! And I was talkin' to someone a while back who said, "Well, wouldn't you be excited to meet him?" I HAVE met him. It's not a big deal! It's not this life-changing thing. He's not this -- what has he discovered? What has he done? What has this guy...like, great, he's just a -
Dick: (interjects) He's been on TV. (cynical)
Maddox: He's a celebrity scientist, like Michio Kaku. And yeah, sure, he has some interesting papers, and he's, uh...you know, done some interesting things, but he's not on the level of Einstein or Richard Feynman, or any of these great physicists or scientists from the past.
Dick: He makes people *feel* smart. By teaching them about 5th grade science.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, he's the Internet Jesus. (old-timey sound clip of man shouting, "Jesus had a big resurrection!") (laughs)
Dick: Alright, what's your last problem?
Maddox: So, my last problem is.....fries. (cracks up)
Dick: Say that again, please? (chuckling)
Maddox: Fries. French fries.
Dick: French fries. (amused) Fries. Okay.
Maddox: French fries. Fried potatoes.
Dick: Alright... (sighing)
Maddox: Alright, can we talk about what a waste -
Dick: ...here's your fuckin' French fries. (under his breath) (laughs with Maddox)
Maddox: Can we talk about what a waste of time French fries are? Like, do we...does anyone ever need to eat another fry, ever again? Huh? Aren't you guys sick of fries already? French fries, French fries, French fries. "What are you gettin'?" "Hamburger and fries." "What are you gettin'?" "Steak and fries. Steak-FRITES." Same fuckin' bullshit, French pronunciation. "What are you gettin'?" Oh, and then they tried to -
Dick: (interjects) They're delicious.
Maddox: They tried to say -- no, they're BORING! It's oil and potatoes! Oil...and POTATOES.
Dick: And they taste great!
Dick: What are you, you're saying the same -- you're saying, like, I'm supposed to understand what you're saying, but a French fry tastes amazing.
Maddox: Like, all...there's...every single fry more or less tastes the same. It's just salt, oil, and potato. (wearily)
Maddox: That's it. Sometimes, you can add some crazy cajun seasoning to it! (sarcastic) But other than that, it's the same fuckin' bullshit, all the time. And you know, the average person in America eats around 29 pounds of French fries every year. 29 pounds of that bullshit!! And so it's been implicated in an increase in type 2 diabetes, all these French fries! And you know what the biggest bullshit is about French fries? People who put them on SANDWICHES. Okay?
Dick: Also delicious!
Maddox: It's STUPID. It's stupid!! (growling) It's stupid! There's a place in -
Dick: (interjects) Do you not -- are you saying that French fries are not delicious?
Maddox: Hold on, hold on!
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: No, they're a waste of time! I went to Primanti Brothers in Pittsburgh. There's this place called Primanti Brothers, and they're famous...well, their saying is actually "Almost Famous," which is funny, because it's true. Uh, but they're famous for making sandwiches with French fries. They said, "We'll put French fries on just about any sandwich!"
Maddox: First of all, why "just about"? You can put French fries on any sandwich, period.
Dick: How about a knuckle sandwich? (grinning) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I'll put French fries on it! Yeah, and then you can punch me anywhere but my mouth, 'cause I don't wanna eat those bullshit fries. So, Primanti Brothers puts French fries on their sandwiches; big fucking deal! *I* can put French fries on my sandwiches. Alright? You don't need to save me the step -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, you can put EVERYTHING on a sandwich! What do you mean, you can put French fries on a sandwich?! (about to laugh)
Maddox: Yeah, but if I get a side of fries, I know, if I want to, I can take a scoop of 'em and put 'em right on my burger! I don't need some fucking cook to do that! I can do that if I want to. It's like adding ketchup to my sandwich; I can do that. I can do these things, these are condiments!
Dick: Yeah, but they know what the correct ratio is!
Maddox: NO THEY DON'T, that's bullshit!! There IS no correct ratio, it's all made up!
Dick: Sure, it's a correct ratio! It's like, I'm gonna end up with a sandwich that YOU made that's got like, a stack of fries that's 8 inches high. That's...too many fries!
Maddox: Well, don't be a fucking idiot! You're not gonna put an entire potato's worth of French fries on a sandwich. If you don't know to not do that -- or maybe you want it that way, who knows!
Dick: I don't know!
Maddox: You know what? Experiment! Do it once. Go crazy, do it twice!
Dick: Okay. (smiling)
Maddox: Who cares about French fries?? They're SO BORING! Everyone loves French fries!
Dick: Are you saying, yes or no, French fries are delicious?
Maddox: One or two are fine. And after that -
Dick: (interjects) One or two fries, in a meal?!?
Maddox: (stammers) I've tasted it, I get it. I get it. (Dick laughs in astonishment) It's oil...
Dick: This is... (hysterically amused)
Maddox: You know what's a good test of food?
Dick: Are you serious?!
Maddox: Yeah! You know what's a -
Dick: (interjects) Really? One or two fries?? (incredulous)
Maddox: And they're never good the next day! NEVER. Cold French fries -
Dick: Well, they're not *supposed* to be!!
Maddox: - are the saddest thing. I wouldn't even bring cold French fries...like, I would rather go to a funeral than eat cold French fries. (Dick laughs hysterically)
Dick: Yeah, NOBODY wants to eat cold French fries! (stammers; lost for words)
Maddox: Yeah! I would rather mourn somebody's passing than eat cold French fries. It's so sad! It's the saddest food ever! It's SAD.
Dick: So what do you...you think they should be warmer longer? (grinning)
Maddox: Ah...I guess! (Dick laughs more) Uh, would that help? I don't know!
Dick: I don't know! They're perfect to me as they are! (dumbfounded)
Maddox: They're fine, you know, take 'em or leave 'em. If someone gave me French fries I'd eat some, and, you know, if it had an interesting sauce to dip it in - that's what tastes good, is the sauce! It's not the oil! The oil is BULLSHIT. And they have waffle fries, oh... (exasperated)
Dick: What do you mean, "the oil is bullshit"? You said that before.
Dick: What do you mean, the oil is bullshit?
Maddox: Because the oil doesn't add flavor -- oil *mutes* flavor. If you ever go to a Chinese restaurant, they have that little bottle of chili pepper on the table with oil. It's oil, chili -- chili oil.
Maddox: Right? The oil is there because it helps mute the heat; it mutes flavor.
Maddox: That's what oil does! That's what butter does. So, I don't want oil, more oil in my food -
Dick: (interjects) What are you talking about, oil with fries, though? Are you talking about the oil that they use to cook the fries?
Dick: That's bullshit?
Dick: How else are they gonna cook 'em?
Maddox: Well, I don't know! Figure it out. Maybe they shouldn't -
Dick: (interjects) They're called "fries," you *fry* them in oil! Whatta you want -- what do you want them to fry them in?!
Maddox: I guess I don't want them...I -
Dick: (interjects) Otherwise, they're grilled potato shards! (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Maddox: Exactly! It's the same thing, it's all bullshit, man! It's like -- okay, you know what, maybe I just don't like potatoes that much.
Dick: Uh, yeah, I think...you're getting...you're getting very amped up, (Maddox laughs) and I'm trying to understand what the *fuck* you're talking about, with French fries being a prob-- French fries are delicious. Everyone knows that French fries are delicious. And -
Maddox: (interjects) Fine. For a couple. After that, you GET it. You've tasted every fry!
Dick: NO. People can eat French fries by the wheelbarrow.
Maddox: Oh, I know, I've seen 'em! They look like wheelbarrows!
Dick: How can you not?! Like, whatta you...what's going on in your mouth and in your mind, that lets you eat one or two French fries?
Maddox: Okay, listen to this. Because it's boring; I've tasted...it's like eating plain Lay's chips, they're BORING. It's just salt and oil! Salt and oil is NOT THAT INTERESTING! (through gritted teeth) It's not an interesting flavor!! It's just not! It's salt.
Dick: It's just...it's so good.
Dick: So you have this problem with potato chips, too.
Maddox: You know, I had -- yeah, I used to eat 'em more when I was a fatty, and then I kinda stopped because I stopped eating that kind of food. And I lost the taste for it!
Maddox: No, but it doesn't -
Dick: (interjects) Is this -- is that what it's about?
Maddox: No, but I've tried all the types! You know, I've tried baked potatoes, and I've tried baked potato chips, and I've tried baked fries, and they're all the same.
Dick: You don't like baked potatoes either??
Maddox: No! Baked potatoes are NOT food. I will not eat -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, they are. They definitely are.
Maddox: No, absolutely not. Absolutely not! (Dick chuckles)
Dick: I mean...well...
Maddox: In elementary school, in junior high, and high school -- any time I went to school and for lunch, they had a baked potato bar, I said, "Fuck that, I'm gonna starve today!"
Dick: Oh! Throwing...? (laughs in disbelief)
Maddox: Yeah! I didn't eat on those days!
Dick: This is the goofiest shit I have ever heard. You don't think that baked potatoes...are delicious?
Maddox: No! Baked potatoes are BULLSHIT, for bullshit people. (booing sound effect)
Dick: Okay, what were you gonna read?
Maddox: So, I have some stats for you. (cracks up) I got a stats for you. "Since 1970, use of processed potatoes has surpassed fresh use in the United States." This is from the USDA.gov website. So, "Spurred by the innovation of frozen-French-fry processing techniques in the 1950s and the increasing popularity of fast food chains, processed potatoes composed 64 percent of total U.S. potato use during the 2000s, compared to 35 percent in the 1960s." So, here's something that's kinda interesting: in 1960 the obesity rate increased from 10 percent, in 1960, to 35 percent today.
Dick: Mhm, okay. I mean, that makes sense.
Maddox: So, it's almost...it's almost directly correlated to the increase of French fries that we eat.
Dick: Yeah, but you know what? You know, this is one of those rare instances where I actually know a stat for... (cracking up)
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: Like a real-deal stat. So, um...'cause I used to think that too, that it was like, the abundance of really fatty foods and calories that was making people fat.
Dick: But this dude who was, uh, some kinda trainer...he was, he seemed like he knew what he was talkin' about. He said that back in the day, people had to walk around so much and do stuff, physically, do stuff -- like, even to get up and change to channel on the television?
Dick: That the average woman would eat 3500 calories a day, and be at a normal weight.
Maddox: That's cool.
Dick: But that's...what is that? What do they say women should eat, 2000? Like, 1500 to 2000? That's SO many more calories than we eat today, that it's got nothin' to do with the food or fries. It's just all about how people can sit there and click and...punch remotes, and everything.
Maddox: Well, I never thought I'd say this, Dick, but you actually make a good point. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah, no, I hate doin' it, but I just happened to know that stat. This guy said it, and I don't know why I remembered it.
Maddox: You hate makin' sense. (teasing)
Dick: I think, 'cause it had to do with fat chicks.
Dick: That's why I remembered it.
Maddox: And you know, I KNOW I'm gonna go down in flames on this problem, 'cause you dickheads love your French fries and your dogs, you fucking idiots! But I don't CARE. French fries are boring food, and if you love 'em, you're an idiot and you like bland food.
Dick: They're not bland; they're great. (matter-of-factly)
Maddox: They're bland, and YOU'RE not fat!
Dick: You can dip them in delicious sauces.
Maddox: You know what, Dick? I believe in fat people, and fat people know good food. (Dick snickers) Not obese, but like, fat people. You know?
Maddox: I used to be a fat guy, and I have a friend who's a fat guy, and HE knows his food, and he doesn't like French fries. Or coleslaw! Coleslaw's also a bullshit food!
Dick: I gotta...I gotta text a fat guy right after this show to see if he hates French fries too. You know who I'm talkin' about? Because he eats weird -- I do notice that he eats weird stuff.
Dick: That he doesn't like some -- like, he won't eat chips, 'cause he says it fills him up.
Maddox: Yeah, it's boring! What are YOU eating chips for? And so here...
Dick: They're good!
Maddox: ...so here's the thing: I'll eat fries. Don't get me wrong, if somebody gives me fries, I'm gonna eat them!
Maddox: They're on my plate! 'Cause I'm not a little bitch. (Dick smirks) BUT, I never *crave* them. I'm just so tired of fries. Every day for lunch in high school I had fries. Fries and a burger, fries and a burger. It's the only fuckin' side...why don't you deep fry something else for a change? Like, the Japanese have it right - at least they're puttin' tempura on shit. If you like fatty fried food, tempura that shit! Tempura's great!
Dick: Yeah, but they're not as fun to eat as French fries.
Maddox: What, are you kidding me?! You get peas, and cauliflower, and potatoes, and...
Dick: Naw, too confusing. French fries, you can make, like, fangs out of them, and you can take little bites, and...fuck with them.
Maddox: You said two things, and "fuck with them" is too ambiguous. (Dick guffaws)
Dick: I don't know! It's just like, they're fun to fiddle with! They're satisfying to eat.
Maddox: So are fried carrots, have you ever had a fried carrot?
Dick: Nahh, see, they're too chewy. A French fry just goes right down, man. It feels great.
Maddox: Oh, barf. And it gets all mealy in your mouth, like you got mash in your mouth?
Dick: No, it gets delicious in your mouth, like a potato. (Maddox chuckles) Like a delicious fried potato.
Maddox: Potatoes are boring, oil is boring, salt...is boring. (Dick laughs) These are all boring foods for boring people. (slow, dopey voice)
Dick: Welp! Uh, ya stumped me. (Maddox laughs loudly)
Maddox: Alright. Well, are we, uh...we're wrappin' this up.
Maddox: So, again, what's your two problems?
Dick: My two problems, uh, the biggest problems in the universe are Know-It-All Masseuses...
Dick: ...you think, is "masseuses" too fancy? Should I say "Know-It-All Massagers"?
Maddox: I don't think "massagers" is the right word.
Dick: I think "masseuses."
Maddox: I don't think that's the plural -- "masseuses" is fine.
Dick: Okay. I don't wanna come off, like, sounding like a fancy-pants, you know?
Maddox: You don't wanna sound like Neil deGrasse Tyson, your problem.
Dick: Yeah, and Neil deGrasse Tyson. Those are my problems.
Maddox: And my problems are Slacktivists and Fries. And don't forget to vote on http://thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com (closing riff starts) and we'll look at your problems next week as well.
Dick: And check it out on iTunes! Go, uh, go give us five stars.
Maddox: Yeah, download, subscribe - everything. Thanks guys.
Dick: See ya.