The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 10

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy! What's up, buddy?

Maddox: Same old.

Dick: The big question every week is...who won last week?

Maddox: So, last week, the number one problem was Movie Ratings. Clean sweep. (Dick sighs disappointedly) Followed by Shame Shaming! That's two for me!

Dick: Okay. (quietly)

Maddox: Shootin' you down, dude!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: You're the Red Baron. (chuckles) And I'm...I dunno, everyone else.

Dick: No, I'M -- if I'm getting shot down, I'm, whatever, the Allies, and YOU'RE the Red Baron.

Maddox: You know what?

Dick: (interjects) You jerkoff.

Maddox: Your stupid, uh, fly problem was ranked SO low... (Dick scoffs) You're not even the Red Baron, you're a kamikaze pilot. That was just suicide.

Dick: Uh, that was a suicide mission?

Maddox: You brought that in -- yeah, that was a suicide mission. (grinning)

Dick: Ehhh. (dismissively)

Maddox: So, it was -

Dick: (interjects) I can't believe your stupid MPAA problem got the highest...won first place that week.

Maddox: Of course!

Dick: It was a HUGE leap you were making -

Maddox: NO.

Dick: - from movie ratings, which I admit ruin movies -- like, movies getting watered down ruins them -- to books being banned. (derisively) That was the leap you were making.

Maddox: It wasn't much of a leap, because you admitted that movie ratings...movies are WORSE now because of movie ratings, because they're chasing that PG-13 rating.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Sooo, the same thing could happen to books! As soon as they put book ratings on there, which is the next logical step past trigger warnings.

Dick: When you say "logical," I picture you taking, like, a hat made of tin foil (Maddox chuckles) and putting it on as you're like, "Everybody, now, follow me to this crazy conspiracy!"

Maddox: Nope. Not at all. That was...that actually was a very cogent argument. And then, uh, you had your Indignant Drivers problem -

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: - which, I got a comment from Andria Lopez; she says, "I love Dick screaming at you because he doesn't think you're calm enough in the car." (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. I saw that one. (amused)

Maddox: Which is all you did! All you did last episode! (Dick chuckles)

Dick: I get it all out here! Then I'm -- when I get on the road, I'm fine, man.

Maddox: Sure. What comments do you have?

Dick: I got some comments. Um, it might be the same girl, @emotionallyeasy on Twitter?

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: She says, "Hahaha I literally just walked to my car and found this note on it. I am #thebiggestproblem." And her note -- did you see this note?

Maddox: I did.

Dick: Somebody had written on a napkin, "DEAR MORON, CALM DOWN" (Maddox laughs) and put it on her windshield.

Maddox: And I saw this note, and it's hilar-- like, it looks like it was written by someone old. Like, even the Ds are really squiggly; it even looks like they...they *write* slow.

Dick: I mean, someone old? It's probably just someone who didn't wanna deal with a maniac on the road! I got more comments.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Uh, we'll put that picture up on the website, too. It's funny.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Joey Rogers: "Damn Maddox, Dick has a point - you could probably ditch the taser if you take a few of those women's self-defense classes."

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: And just for context, I think he's talking about when you're screaming at this big guy on the road, and you grip -- when you've pissed him off enough for him to get out of his car and beat your ass, you grab your taser (Maddox sighs) to defend yourself. (teasing)

Maddox: Okay. You know what? I gotta be a...I gotta be honest, here. Uh, I actually lied during that last episode; it wasn't a taser, it was another weapon. (cracks up) And I'm not gonna say what it was, 'cause I don't wanna incriminate myself. So.

Dick: Well, what could it be? (smiling)

Maddox: That's it, I'm not gonna say!

Dick: What could it be, Sean? Sean, our audio engineer. It could be -- what's a criminal weapon to have? It could be a knife, it could be a giant machete, or it could be a gun. Right?

Sean: I don't think he owns a gun.

Maddox: I own a gun.

Dick: Yeah. (amused)

Maddox: I have several -

Sean: Oh, you own a gun?

Maddox: I have two guns, yeah.

Dick: Ohh, wow! It could've been a gun! This is just me speculating, it could've been a gun.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: You know what else is illegal, that it could've been? Child porn! (Maddox bursts out laughing) He could've pulled it out to frighten the guy away, like, "Look at THIS! You don't wanna mess with this! I got a buncha kiddie porn in here!"

Maddox: Yeah, I'd just roll it up, whack him with it like a newspaper.

Sean: Do you think he has brass knuckles with his name on them?

Dick: That would be -- YOU SHOULD GET THAT. (in a low voice; stoked) That's awesome.

Sean: If anybody needs those, it's you. [to Maddox]

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, that's pretty cool. And it's written backwards, too, so it leaves an imprint and they can see it in the mirror.

Dick: I got more -- can I read more comments?

Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah!

Dick: Is that okay?

Maddox: Then I got one, uh-huh.

Dick: Um...okay, Joel Bailey: "Rain-Slick Dick could beat Maddox in a race; he's got those Persian racing rims for a reason." (Maddox laughs) That's right! I, and I'm not ashamed of it. That's why it's ALL over my rims.

Maddox: You're the driving Prince of Persia. (laughs more)

Dick: Ha. (annoyed) And then, Justin Case, uhh...oh, that sounds like a fake name...uh, Zimbaluk: "Yeah, Maddox is totally wrong about the driving problem. He's just driving like a total asshole."

Maddox: Oh, okay. Well, thank you for the actual argument that was completely opinion-based. (sarcastic)

Dick: Can I propose something for you? Do you have driving comments?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah!

Dick: 'Cause I -- okay, read those. I have a real thing.

Maddox: No, it's actually not a driving comment, but go on, yeah. What were you gonna say?

Dick: Okay, I have a real test that I wanna do with you.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Because the driving thing's a hot button thing.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: For both of us, I feel like.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Uh, I'm about the driving experience.

Maddox: Mhm. (skeptical)

Dick: Like, being pleasant.

Maddox: Oh. Sure, of course.

Dick: And being, you know, expedient! As expedient as traffic allows.

Maddox: Well, that's a lie, but go on.

Dick: And YOU are about...jamming your car through traffic like a virgin on prom night. (Maddox scoffs) Like, "Hurr, git, git, git!" (spastically) "Honk, honk, honk!" I propose -- and you've been saying I'm slow.

Maddox: You're slow.

Dick: So, okay! So I propose that you and I have a race wher`e we drive from one place to another, through moderate traffic...

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...we time it there and back, AND...and, with us on the journey is, like, a hot chick.

Maddox: Alright! (chuckling)

Dick: Alright? Then we time it -

Maddox: (interjects) Just one?

Dick: Uh...

Maddox: I'll fill my car up. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, well... (cracks up) I would love it to be more than one, but I'm being realistic here.

Maddox: Yeah. You drive a coupe.

Dick: I think we could get one...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...oh, yeah yeah yeah. I'd have to cram them in.

Maddox: And that too, yeah.

Dick: It's not a coupe, by the way. It's a sports car. Okay? (wryly)

Maddox: Okay. Oh, of course, it's a sports car. Yeah. Well, you can cram -- you got a glove compartment (cracks up) and a trunk.

Dick: And a trunk, I could cram them in. (Maddox laughs more) Uh, that's what I'm saying. I think that would be fun!

Maddox: You're on!

Dick: Do you think that would be fun?

Maddox: I could beat you on my BIKE.

Dick: Yeah, but see, it's -- we'll let the audience vote on it.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: And the chick, it's all about her commentary, too. She's like our Simon Cowell.

Maddox: M'kay! Alright, you're on.

Dick: You know? If you make her have a heart attack, you lose.

Maddox: Oh, no, that's bullshit!! Every chick has a heart attack with me! Alright.

Dick: Well...

Maddox: I got a comment. This one seems like a real name: it's Justin's... (cracks up) Justin Honky-Kong Rodriguez. (Dick laughs) He says, "You can only have a tasteful abortion if you use the right spices." (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick: Oh, that's good. (amused)

Maddox: I agree. (chuckling)

Dick: That's funny.

Maddox: Because we were talking about the MPAA and how they were trying to ban abortions in film.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um...okay. So, that's all the comments I have. Do you have any more?

Dick: Nope!

Maddox: Let's get to the problems. So, uh, last time you had Indignant Drivers...

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: ...this time, I have indignant co-hosts. (everyone laughs)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: (sound clip of Dick yelling, "That's ridiculous!") (giggles)

Dick: Me? *I'm* the biggest problem in the universe?

Maddox: Well, I'm not saying necessarily you!

Dick: H'okay. (chuckling)

Maddox: But, any podcast who has a co-host who becomes indignant. So last time, your problem with indignant drivers...let's recap. Here's what you said. [ plays first sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Dick: Problem number one: indignant drivers.

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: Not...not road rage.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: I don't know if that's the best way to say this, but NOT road rage.

Maddox: Yeah.

[sound clip ends]

Maddox: Okay. So you... (cracks up)

Dick: Is that what I sound like?

Maddox: That is what you sound like. (laughing) So you said -- like, someone said P.J. from Goof Troop. And, what was it...

Dick: (interjects) No you -- no no, YOU. YOU said I sounded like P.J. from Goof Troop, you a-hole.

Maddox: P.J. -- no, it wasn't me! It was an email, I actually got that from a fan.

Dick: So you got that from a fan, and then you went on Twitter and reposted it as you?!

Maddox: No no, I SAID -

Dick: You shady fuck!!

Maddox: What -- look, If I was trying to take credit for it, I wouldn't just SAY...I wouldn't just come out and say, "Yeah, I got that from a fan." I said on Twitter, too, someone said that you sound like P.J. from Goof Troop.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And then what was the other one, Animaniacs? Um...

Dick: Uh, Yakko.

Maddox: Yeah, Yakko.

Dick: Yakko, I'll cop to. That's -- I mean, I do sound like, uh, Yakko.

Maddox: So that was the problem that you stated, right? You said -- again, it was was indignant drivers, not people who have road rage.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Then you followed it up with this. [plays second sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Dick: All your dumb honking and your road rage is part of the problem.

[sound clip ends]

Maddox: Oh! That's curious!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But you specifically just said it wasn't road rage!

Dick: Well, that wasn't the problem I was bringing in.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: You know, these things evolve!

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: We talk them out, and they evolve...

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: ...into, uh, into new problems.

Maddox: Or devolve, as the case may be sometimes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. So then, uh, as you're going on about indignant drivers -

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: - here's what an indignant co-host sounds like. [plays third sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Maddox: Road rage does not cause NEARLY as many accidents as either of those two problems, drunk driving and texting while driving. Road rage, by the way -- and it's not road rage that I'm honking!

Dick: Maddox, that honking shit's gotta stop. (Dick and Maddox burst out laughing over clip) It gives people -- like, you're gonna give somebody a heart attack with the way you drive.

[sound clip ends]

(Maddox keeps laughing hysterically)

Dick: I think so! I really think that!

Maddox: Yeah! No, I know you do! I know you do, and it doesn't count if it's a girl. 'Cause literally every single girl who's ever been driven in my car, even when I'm just pulling out of my DRIVEWAY -- I got criticized for driving recklessly while pulling out of my driveway! I'm like, "What do you mean, 'recklessly'? I never get in wrecks!"

Dick: Well, yeah, but driving recklessly doesn't mean you get in wrecks; it just means that you're driving like you're outta control.

Maddox: No, I'm in COMPLETE control, and if I wasn't, I'd have more accidents!

Dick: So what's your problem with,'s not me, it's indignant co-hosts?

Maddox: Indignant co-hosts is the problem.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Because -- so, you were yelling -

Dick: (interjects) Wait wait wait, wait.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Lemme just ask you, just so you can prove that it's not me.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Can you name three indignant co-hosts in the world? In general? (Maddox laughs) Just 'cause it's not me, right? (disdainful)

Maddox: No no, not JUST you. No.

Dick: Okay. So what's another indignant co-host?

Maddox: Oh...

Dick: I'm gonna write these down.

Maddox: Sure. Okay. I'd say, uh, Tom from Bob & Tom. (laughs)

Dick: What's that?

Maddox: You'd have to look it up, and don't, because it's's alotta chuckles.

Dick: (cracks up) So it's a made up, a made up...?

Maddox: No, no! There's a Bob & Tom radio show! It's a morning radio show.

Dick: Okay. Tom from Bob & Tom, okay.

Maddox: Yeah, Tom from Bob & Tom.

Dick: You got any others?

Maddox: Yeah, there used to...well, I'm a big fan of both these guys, and they no longer do a radio show together, but it's the Don and Mike radio show.

Dick: M'kay.

Maddox: Uh, Don Geronimo used to be very... (cracks up) ...very indignant sometimes. Um, you know. And uh...I don't know, I can't think of anything off the top of my head. There's other co-hosts, but, you know. We're not just picking you out!

Dick: Kathie Lee. Regis and Kathie Lee - how about her?

Maddox: Oh, there you go, yeah! Kathie Lee gets very indignant. Yeah!

Dick: Okay. So you're saying I'm the Kathie Lee of this podcast.

Maddox: You are Kathie Lee, right.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Here's another one... [plays fourth sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Dick: Two-thirds of traffic fatalities ARE CAUSED BY PEOPLE LIKE YOU!!

Maddox: You're full of shit! I'm not -- no!

Dick: 'Cause you're going around honking, being a distraction, dude!! (yelling)

Maddox: No! WRONG!

[sound clip ends]

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Yeah. No -

Dick: (interjects) Did you ever check that stat, by the way? (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah, I DID check that stat, and it SAYS it's not road rage! It says 66 percent of traffic fatalities are caused by *aggressive* driving, which is bullshit! I looked up the actual statistic from the WHO -- the World Health Organization -- and of course, it's distracted driving, by far! And also according to the CDC, and also according to numerous other studies. This bullshit ',' or whatever, '' website that you went to -

Dick: Yeah...

Maddox: - has absolutely NO factual information on it. (chuckling)

Dick: No validity in your court. (annoyed)

Maddox: So then... (cracks up) Then you followed up with this. [plays fifth sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Dick: I copied a test to see if you were a road rage.

[sound clip ends]

(Maddox laughs heartily)

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: So, Dick, am I "a road rage"? (through laughter) (Dick scoffs)

Dick: Yeah! You are!! (Maddox laughs more) You -- I blatantly proved it! I BLATANTLY proved -- is this being too indignant for you now?? (scornfully)

Maddox: Ohh, you're absolutely indignant! You didn't prove anything!! And also, you said at the beginning it wasn't road rage! You didn't have a problem with road rage, and then you spent the entire rest of your time trying to prove that I was "a road rage."

Dick: Look, I didn't know it was such a hot button issue with you! I was just talking about people who are acting like Audrey Hepburn on the road, and shaking their heads and being so -- you know what happened to me yesterday?

Maddox: What?

Dick: Um, I was leaving my parking lot; they're filming...I live like, in the middle of Hollywood...they're filming a big movie there.

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: Like I live in, you know, a really nice-looking building, so it looks like a set.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: I'm just saying, this happens all the time. They always film movies on my street.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Uh, and they're setting up this gigantic crane in the parking lot. And I pull up, and they've got -- like, they've got all their crap everywhere; all the grips are working their asses off to try and put this thing together so they can get on the crane and get it up in the air. And I pull up, and the guy comes over to me, hat in hand already, like, "Oh my god, dude, I'm so sorry. You're gonna have to wait, like, 5 minutes." And I was like, "Dude...don't even worry about it. Like, where am I goin'? Just put your thing together and take care of it, I don't care." So he goes back. This girl pulls up behind me, she stops her car...the car has barely stopped MOVING, and she is OUT in a huff, strutting up to my car and saying, "Are they stopping you because of THIS?! Did they stop you here because they're putting this crane together??" And I was like, "Uh...yeah! They're filming a movie, like what -- it's gonna be a couple minutes! What is your problem?" THAT was my problem!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Her indignation.

Maddox: So, so -

Dick: At being inconvenienced for a MOMENT!

Maddox: Yeah. So, you think she should be a little bit calmer, right? (teasing)

Dick: Yes, I think she should calm down, moron!

Maddox: Yeah. And here's how you tell people to calm down. [plays sixth sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Dick: WHO CAAARES?! Like, you can't just calm the FUCK down when you're in your car?? (shouting)

[sound clip ends]

(Maddox laughs hysterically)

Dick: What's the problem with that? (flatly)

Maddox: You sound like a real CALM person, Dick. (cracking up) You sound like, just...tranquil. Tranquil and zen.

Dick: Whadda you want, NPR?!? Outta me?? (screaming) (Maddox laughs harder) OKAY? I get very -- I think this is a healthy thing to do. I get -

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: - if something bothers me in the world, I just bottle it up...

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: ...and then, eventually, I just explode and spray poison everywhere!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what -- I think I read somewhere that you're supposed to do that.

Maddox: In messages of calm and tranquility. You just EXPLODE on this. [plays seventh sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Dick: RELAX!!

Maddox: No -

Dick: You have to wait a couple SECONDS? For me to slow down and look for parking?? Just calm down!! (yelling)

[sound clip ends]

Dick: Uh, alright. (wearily) (Maddox laughs more)

Maddox: Tell me all about it, Dick! Tell me how to calm down, as you YELL at me. (cracks up) Uh, and by the way, Dick, maybe she had a problem because she has shit to do, unlike some people! If you're sittin' there with your dick in your hand, why leave?! If you don't have anyplace to go, why leave the apartment? Why leave the house? Why don't you just, like, sell your car and just stay home?

Dick: (stammers) There's no way she had stuff to do.

Maddox: Heh, okay. (chuckling)

Dick: Uh... I'm calmer than you are. (Maddox bursts into laughter) Let's -- can we take a calm test? (cracking up)

Maddox: Calmer than you are, dude!

Dick: Yeah. I'm calmer than you are. Let's take a...I don't know how you take a calm test.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm pretty sure you have to go to a doctor?

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: Or something? But I bet I'm calmer than you. I'm a...I'm a Zen master.

Maddox: You're a Zen masturbator. I am literally more calm than you, right now and always.

Dick: What would that be? (smiling)

Maddox: A Zen masturbator?

Dick: A Zen masturbator, yeah.

Maddox: I would say -- I would imagine it's somebody who meditates, right? They're in the meditation pose, whatever the...what's that, the Lotus or whatever? And they get a boner, and then they are able to, uh, complete without touchin' it! (both burst out laughing)

Dick: That'd be a cool skill. (grinning)

Maddox: So it just, just kinda drizzles. Like... (laughs hysterically)

Dick: Alright. Disgusting.

Maddox: Well, you asked. So -- so, it doesn't end there, Dick! It just goes on, okay? 'Cause it's not just that; you're also indignant about certain problems. So for example, here's some evidence you brought in -

Dick: (interjects) IS THIS WHAT I GET?! (Maddox laughs explosively) Is this the thanks I get for coming in here and doing a podcast with you, is just a humiliating display of what a jerk I am all the time?!? Jesus CHRIST!! (screaming)

Maddox: The *epitome* of calm. Dick Masterson. So... (cracks up) So you brought in, as counter-evidence -- against my Coke problem -- you said, uh...this was evidence! 'Kay? This was your slam dunk case against me. [plays eighth sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Dick: Twitter...@rbanke says, "McDonald's Coke is better because they have contracts with Coca-Cola to do the calibration and maintenance."

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: So, all of your shit about McDonald's employees being just as worthless as Wendy's employees is NULL and VOID, sir! (taunting)

[sound clip ends]

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Oh! Oh, well, slam dunk, according to Twitter user @rbanke! I can't argue with that! (cracking up) Some guy on the Internet said this, therefore it's a slam dunk. Case closed.

Dick: You know, I really...I really just yearn for the day, back in the day, (Maddox laughs) when you could get information from a guy, and you could pass it on without some obnoxious fuck telling you that you have to CITE where you got this -

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: - and pull up the study -- it's like, "Look: a guy told me this. He SOUNDED like he knew what he was talking about..."

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: "...uhh, there you go."

Maddox: And if you explain to that -- if you had a time machine and you went back in time, like, say, in the '50s or whatever, and you said, "Look, a guy explained this to me on this thing called the Internet! It's this abstraction that exists NOWHERE, and it's a series of characters that creates a username, and this person who represents a username *supposedly* has this fact." Do you think that guy would believe anything you had to say?

Dick: Maddox, does that sound like what I would do? (Maddox laughs) If I went back in time and had to explain myself? "Where did you hear about this, Dick?" "Some guy told me."

Maddox: Yeah. Eh. (skeptical)

Dick: "What do you want? What do you want, the whole backstory of where I heard this?! GOD!"

Maddox: Well, it's a lie.

Dick: "Just go to a sock hop!"

Maddox: Alright. And then you followed up with this. [plays ninth sound clip taken from the previous episode]

Dick: Wait, are you saying that Coke DOESN'T show up and calibrate the machines like @rbanke is saying?

Maddox: Yes!

[sound clip ends]

(Maddox giggles)

Dick: Are you? Are you calling that guy a liar? (Maddox draws back in disbelief)

Maddox: ...Dick, it's not a source! It's not a fact!

Dick: Get out your taser! (teasing)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: 'Cause he's gonna come looking for you!

Maddox: So then, you just concluded this. [plays tenth sound clip taken from previous episode]

Dick: Ohh, you're just never gonna give this up. You're're so stubborn.

[sound clip ends]

Maddox: *I'm* so stubborn, and YET, in the previous episode when we had the Coke test, this is what you said at the end of the test. [ plays first sound clip taken from Episode 8]

Dick: We said every single flavor was different, and now he's established that two of them were the same. We REALLY look like huge assholes right now. Maddox, ya really fuckin' duped me and Sean.

Dick: (interjects over clip) That doesn't mean you're...yeah.

[sound clip ends]

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: That doesn't mean you're not stubborn, though. You got pulled a good one on us -- Sean, what do you wanna say?

Sean: I say we won that test.

Maddox: OHH. (groaning)

Sean: And I say that -

Dick: (interjects) ME TOO!! Me too! (explosively)

Maddox: Oh, my GOD.

Sean: For some -- hang on. For some reason, Dick had his lips human-centipeded to Maddox's butthole that day (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly) and I don't...I DON'T know why!

Dick: What does THAT mean? (Sean cracks up) WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?! I'M GETTING SHIT FROM YOU NOW, TOO?? (screaming)

Sean: I think -- yeah, hang on! (Maddox laughs more) I think you were really, really into the, uh, 100,000 downloads and you were in some kind of...aspartame-induced hysteria, or something.

Dick: OHHH, like a Maddox hypnosis!

Sean: Maybe!

Maddox: (sound clip of Dick yelling, "That's ridiculous!") (laughs heartily)

Sean: Look, did we or did we not -- 'A' and 'D' contained the McDonald's, right?

Maddox: Yeah. (in unison with Dick)

Sean: Did we or did we not pick 'A' and 'D' as the WORST-tasting thing?

Maddox: Yes. (chuckling)

Sean: Our bias was trying to pick the *best*-tasting soda. That's where we went wrong. We readily identified the McDonald's soda as tasting like SHIT.

Maddox: Yeah, but lemme explain -

Sean: (interjects) In both 'A' and 'D'. WINNER.

Maddox: No, but you didn't SIMULTANEOUSLY, Sean!

Sean: Yes!

Maddox: You didn't simultaneously. You said -- at first, Dick said 'A' -

Sean: (interjects) Yes...we...DID. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: No, that's bullshit! I got the tape, I can pull it up right now.

Sean: Me too!

Dick: Yeah, he's gonna fuckin' play it NEXT week, about what jerks we are again! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: It DID... (cracks up)

Dick: Once wasn't enough to win!

Sean: I said 'A' was bad and 'D' was terrible, because it was relative to 'C,' which was the can, which I thought tasted GOOD.

Dick: Sean, you said -

Maddox: Therefore, Sean... (sternly)

Sean: Therefore 'D' tasted worse to me.

Dick: - you said something wrong, hold on.

Sean: What?

Dick: You said where we fucked up was, something -- where we fucked up was playing that stupid game (Maddox laughs) that was rigged from the beginning. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: (sound clip of Dick yelling, "That's ridiculous!") (everyone laughs)

Dick: What you wanna say, man? You're right. [to Sean]

Maddox: Sean, next week it's gonna be indignant sound engineers. How about that?

Sean: FINE.

Maddox: Fine.

Dick: Nonononononono. He's great. He's GREAT. (earnestly) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Alright, is that your problem?

Maddox: No, I'm not done.

Dick: As much as I -- you're not DONE?

Maddox: Nah, I'm not even done. This is uh, this is another one. So, again, another example where I bring in a slam dunk case against you...

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: ...and then you just bloviate and get flustered through it. (smiling) Like, for example, the grocery store self checkout lane; here's what you said. [ plays second sound clip taken from Episode 8]

Dick: It's the greatest system ever, because there's ONE line, and there's EIGHT things.

[sound clip ends]

Maddox: (smirks) Okay, slam dunk argument from Dick. So, one line and eight -

Dick: (interjects) WHADDA YOU MEAN?! That's a good description of a checkout line!!

Maddox: Okay!

Dick: The self checkout line!

Maddox: Sure, I guess! There's one line and eight things. And then...but then I brought in this evidence. [ plays third sound clip taken from Episode 8]

Maddox: You can't buy alcohol at them!

Dick: I know, I hate that. (growling)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So you have to stand in line anyway, and guess what? Now they have fewer cashiers, because now they've replaced a bunch of 'em with fucking robots that don't work!

Maddox: Right! (over clip)

Dick: Okay, hold on, I feel like you're makin' a lotta sense right now. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs) You gotta slow down.

[sound clip ends]

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: there's that, and then I brought the functionality into question, which you ALSO agreed with! [ plays fourth sound clip taken from Episode 8]

Dick: Okay, their functionality is in question.

Maddox: "Please remove..." Yeah. It's -

Dick: I'll give you that.

[sound clip ends]

And then I brought in the fact that you have to wait behind Midwest housewives! [plays fifth sound clip taken from Episode 8]

Maddox: ...if you have to stand behind some Midwest housewife who's using coupons...

[sound clip ends]

Maddox: And then you didn't have a rebuttal for that! So I brought in all these cases, and then you STILL, like call me stubborn, and then you stubbornly stick to your guns! (amused) And it's not just you, there's a certain type of FAN out there who also believes this bullshit! 'Cause I did the exact same thing -

Dick: (interjects) Who's on my side, you mean?

Maddox: Yeah! He's on your side.

Dick: "A certain type of fan"?!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Okay. (annoyed)

Maddox: This guy on my fan...on -

Dick: (interjects) Smart people!

Maddox: - on my Maddox page -- not the Maddox fan page but my Maddox *account* -- he commented on this and I argued with him and he goes, "Yeah, Dick made a real good point with the self checkout lanes." I'm like -

Dick: (interjects) I did!

Maddox: - "What exactly was the point he made?" Because I brought a slam dunk against you! (cracking up)

Dick: My point was, FUCK you... (Maddox laughs) ...leave my checkout lanes alone. If you're too stupid to use them, that's your problem.

Maddox: Yeah. It's not that I'm too stupid, it's that they never work. If you're gonna buy a packet of taco seasoning, God help you, because those scales won't register. And then you said -- and then I brought in some stats...I brought in some stats and here's what you said. [ plays sixth sound clip taken from Episode 8]

Maddox: They're slower, and they've done countless studies -

Dick: (interjects) There's NO way you have stats on this.

Maddox: Absolutely have stats.

Dick: There is NO way.

Maddox: ABSOLUTELY have stats.

Dick: There is absolutely no way.

[Maddox pauses clip]

Maddox: Aaaand, sure enough... [resumes clip]

Maddox: [quoting - ] "After extensive research, Big Y..." (Maddox and Dick laugh loudly over clip) "...has concluded that these self checkout lanes not only do not save their customers time, but they usually take them even more time to check out than customers in standard checkout lanes."

[sound clip ends]

Dick: Yeah, I remember this.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: What is this, a clip show?

Maddox: Nah... (starts laughing)

Dick: Is that what this is?

Maddox: ...flashback clip show. Anyway Dick, uh, that's my problem this week, Indignant Co-Hosts. And -

Dick: (interjects) Happy fuckin' tenth show to me! (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: Oh, I guess that's a mini anniversary, huh?

Dick: Yeah...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Heh, huh, alright. Let's not get girly about that. (Maddox laughs) So can I do my problem now?

Maddox: Yeah, do your next.

Dick: (clears throat) .....Lady Thor. (Sean smirks in the background)

Maddox: Lady Thor. (cracking up)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, that's Marvel's new character; they re-branded Thor as a woman, right?

Dick: Yeah, let's say "new character."

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: Uh, so Marvel slapped tits on Thor...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...basically, and then put it out on the Internet. And Sean, you're laughing, so I -- you know about this Lady Thor thing, right? [Sean agrees] Yeah. Which is shocking, because you don't know anything about comics or nerd shit at all.

Sean: No. (from background)

Dick: Yeah, you're shakin' your head "no."

Maddox: That's shocking to me. (smirks) That Sean doesn't know -

Dick: (interjects) Dude, THIS guy...this guy is like, a ghost on Facebook.

Maddox: Yeah. Actually yeah, I don't even know if you are on Facebook -- *are* you on Facebook, Sean?

Sean: Yeah, I'm on Facebook, but I don't really check it. Sometimes I know, somebody commented on a photo I'm in or some shit like that, or part of a conversation, but I haven't been on in years.

Maddox: That's respectable.

Dick: So here' know, I thought about this Lady Thor thing a lot. Uh, and I don't have a problem with...women having characters?

Maddox: Sure. (chuckles)

Dick: You know?

Maddox: Very...very progressive of you.

Dick: Yeah! (amused) (Maddox laughs) I'm not just, like, an asshole.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Like, uh...Alien, with Sigourney Weaver?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Was a better movie 'cause a woman was in it. You know what I mean?

Maddox: I mean, it's hard to say, 'cause you never saw the movie with a man in it.

Dick: No, it's not hard to say. I know it is.

Maddox: Alright, fine.

Dick: Uhh -

Maddox: (interjects) She was great in the movie!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because, like... (stammers) A woman is...their strengths are like, protection, right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And like, they're just more vulnerable. So you got this giant alien coming and killing these big military... (Maddox laughs quietly) You know what I'm saying? What.

Maddox: Again, very progressive, Dick. (grinning)

Dick: How is that not progressive?

Maddox: 'Cause you''re trying to compliment and simultaneously are insulting women. "They're more vulnerable..."

Dick: They're more vulnerable!!

Maddox: Well...they're not -

Dick: (interjects) Are you fuckin' kidding me?!

Maddox: - they're not as physically strong as men, I'll give you that, but uh, vulnerable? Like, what do you mean, "vulnerable"?

Dick: Yeah, but they're not like, aggressive retards, too!

Maddox: Yeah...

Dick: Like if you see a guy with a gigantic gun, you think, "Oh, GREAT. Okay, so this dummy's gonna run in with an alien, like, shooting up the joint."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But then if you see a chick in a space suit, like Sigourney Weaver, you're like, "Whoa!" You know? "What's goin' on here? She's gonna have to use her..." (Maddox laughs) She's not gonna be like, a boasting jackass. Exactly -- I'm just explaining the movie!

Maddox: Yeah, no, I get ya.

Dick: That's what they did in the movie!

Maddox: Dick, I could picture you as like, some sleazy alien trying to pick up on her. (cracks up) Like, "Hey, whoa, hey. What's goin' on here?" (sexily) (Dick laughs)

Dick: Like, the same alien in the movie? With the tentacles and stuff?

Maddox: Oh, yeah yeah yeah, the actual alien, yeah. With the tentacles and stuff.

Dick: Yeah, I bet some chicks would be into that.

Maddox: Yeah..."You want a facesucker?" (sultry tone) (laughs with Dick)

Dick: I got TWO mouths. (suggestively)

Maddox: Oho, gross! (laughing)

Dick: Heyyy...guess where the second one's goin'. (grinning) (Maddox and Sean laugh) I call it "the reach around."

Maddox: Ooo. (grossed out)

Dick: Um, you know, I, I thought that Tomb Raider was also great, that there was a chick in that? 'Cause she's gotta use her brain! (Maddox smirks) Right?

Maddox: M'kay. (hesitantly)

Dick: 'Kay?

Maddox: You would think, but...yeah.

Dick: What? Is that wrong?

Maddox: Well, they don't... (searches for words) Yeah, typically, like Tomb Raider -- Lara Croft is not, like, a detective. She kind of puts together clues in the video game, and tries to solve puzzles and things like that.

Dick: Yeah, puzzles and shit.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. Okay.

Dick: And then they make it -- like Uncharted, with that guy Nathan Drake?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or whatever the main character of that? And he's just a jackass! Like, he's a one-liner jackass. Right? So, better game with a chick in it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But this Lady Thor...I just, I feel like it's insulting to people that annoy -- it annoys me when these people are insulted.

Maddox: Mmhm.

Dick: And I don't know why I feel like this. Uh, it's the same thing when I see, like, some cheesy new show on USA or something, and it's,'s just a COP, and she's also *a woman.* (jokingly provocative)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know? My sister said that. There was a commercial, and she was like, "Oh, check out THIS show." She's like, "Oh, it's a cop, and she's also *a woman.*"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it's like, it's very insulting to a segment of women that I think don't deserve this kind of shit.

Maddox: Yeah! No, I'll agree with that, actually. Yeah, sure. If...if they're trying to pitch it as some alternative, like, progressive thing -- they're like, "Hey, we're taking this classic male trope and turning it upside down and making it a woman." That's not interesting! I don't care if the character, if the protagonist has tits and a vagina or a dick; I *just* don't care. And that extends to video games, or cartoon characters, or ANYTHING. I care about interesting, compelling characters. That's it. Period.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: So, how exactly is this a problem with, uh, with female Thor? What is the problem?

Dick: Um.....I don't know. (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Do you think it's condescending? (cracks up)

Dick: I DO think it's very condescending.

Maddox: Well, hold on...yeah.

Dick: Like, it's condescending and you can't say anything, because you seem like an asshole. Like, I'm gonna seem like an asshole...there's people all day on Facebook saying how great this is and what a jerk you are if you don't think women deserve more representation in comics. This ain't representation in comics for women.

Maddox: Right, well...first of all, there's already been a female Thor. Came out in 2000! I forget the name of it; it's like, uh, Thor Thoress or something like that?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That was a female Thor character, and she looked actually even cooler than the one they have now. So this is kind of a ploy that Marvel has done from time to time. There's actually -- Thor has also been a frog!

Dick: I saw that.

Maddox: Uh....what's that?

Dick: I saw that, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, Thor has been a frog, Thor has been a dinosaur...what's his name, Beta Ray, or whatever's the name of the guy. Uh, Thor has been basically -

Dick: (interjects) That was his name?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Not, like, Thorannosaurus?

Maddox: No, THAT'S... (excited)

Dick: Or Tyrannothorus? That's a better name!

Maddox: Ohh, there you go! That's a cool name.

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: Trithoratops? (laughs with Sean)

Dick: Stegotho-- oh, I guess that's just saying "Thor" for everything.

Maddox: Stegothorus...yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What's another one...Thormetrodon?

Dick: I don't know what that is.

Maddox: Thorodactyl?

Dick: Thorodactyl! But what are you saying?

Maddox: So, yeah, Thor has been a number of different characters. I don't...this is a non-issue to people who are outraged by it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And also, I've talked to Marvel -- actually, somebody from Marvel contacted me a long time ago and they asked me to pitch them a bunch of comics, and what they were looking to specifically replicate is the success they had with...I think, the Sundance Kid, or Sundown Kid? It's this comic that they reintroduced back in 2000, 2001, somethin' like that, where they took this old, classic character from '50s and '60s Marvel, when they were doin' pulp...

Dick: Cool!

Maddox: ...pulp-style magazines and stuff, and -- yeah! So they took this character, and he was like, a cowboy or somethin' like that and they made him gay. (Dick bursts out laughing) And he was the first... (laughs) Right.

Dick: So they brought YOU? They said, "Who's the gayest guy on the Internet?" (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah, alright. (playfully annoyed)

Dick: "We gotta get him in here to write this"? (through giggles)

Maddox: Here we go. No, Dick, that's not -

Dick: (interjects) I'm seriously asking! How did -

Maddox: (interjects) No, that's not what they asked me to write, dickhead. (Dick scoffs) They were giving that as an EXAMPLE of something they were trying to replicate, because it was really successful -

Dick: Ohh, okay. Okay.

Maddox: - it was very controversial, because oh, God forbid a fictional character be gay! (sarcastic) And so, that was what they were trying to replicate; they wanted that kind of controversy in these characters.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So they were looking to make characters gay, or transgendered, or flip a character who's traditionally male into traditionally female, et cetera, et cetera. So that's what they're doing right now; Marvel's doing this to drum up publicity and controversy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's why they also came out -- I don't know if you saw this, but they just came out with news that the new Captain America's gonna be black.

Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) Yeah, I why is it news, then? Marvel?

Maddox: Yeah. It's not, really. We also have a black president, Marvel. It's not -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah! Get with the times. (Maddox laughs) People are white and people are black!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: It's not news. (getting cheeky)

Maddox: It's not news. (smiling)

Dick: That's on you guys.

Maddox: It's not a big deal...

Dick: Mmhm!

Maddox: ...nobody really cares.

Dick: That's right!

Maddox: They also... (cracks up) Dick is bein' real sassy right now. (Dick chuckles) They also had an Indian Spider-Man, I believe. Right? In India, they had an Indian Spider-Man, which I...

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: ...again, don't have a problem with. I don't see why it matters.

Dick: Like, *in* India?

Maddox: Yeah! In India they have a representative superhero. What's wrong with that?

Dick: Yeah, I mean...alright. That's cool, I guess.

Maddox: It's a fictional character, who CARES about any of this stuff? Yeah, but the Thor...there's all this outrage about her being a woman. First of all, I didn't... (cracks up) I didn't even know Thor was a man. (Dick smirks) Uh, Thor is like, THE most boring -- even his name rhymes with "bore." "Thor" rhymes with "bore."

Dick: You know, I agree with you on that too! (animatedly) My dad is a huge Thor fan, and when he told me that I was like, "What the fuck?" I wanted to get inside his mind to just go, "WHY?" Like, what about Thor is compelling to you? 'Cause he seems very two-dimensional to me.

Maddox: He IS! He's a meatheaded moron. In all the comics, too, he's ALWAYS a moron. He's just kind of like, this dumb jock character. And he -

Dick: (interjects) And that's the last place I want a woman to be! You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Well, you know what's gonna piss me off, is they're going to make her intelligent! I guaran-fuckin'-tee they're gonna make her intelligent. If they -- I have NEVER seen a girl on any kind of sitcom or TV show or anything like that who is as dumb as Homer or Peter Griffin. Why don't you show me a big, fat, slovenly woman who's a moron, and who sticks crayons up her nose and doesn't realize it?

Dick: Uh, Star Jones! How 'bout that character? (Maddox and Sean laugh)

Maddox: You wish that was a character. (grinning)

Dick: You ever see her? She's stupider than Homer Simpson.

Maddox: She's dumber than...dumber than a brick. But that doesn't count. I would LOVE to see them make a dumb Thor character who's also a woman. Because they're gonna smart her up, they always do! (Dick guffaws) You can't have a dumb -

Dick: HA! "They're gonna smart her up!" Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah! Oh, she's gonna be smart and elegant and noble! She's not gonna be a meatheaded jock! Who, like...what's the equivalent, a sorority girl? (cracks up) Who just goes around, know, partying it up, sleeping around?

Dick: What do you mean?

Maddox: If they made -- so, Thor -

Dick: (interjects) If they made a chick analog to Thor?

Maddox: Exactly!

Dick: Like, the dumbness and the meatheaded mentality?

Maddox: Right. Thor is a frat guy, meathead superhero. If they made -

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, what is the...what is the girl version of that?

Maddox: Yeah, the female equivalent! Which is just like, a...just a sorority girl, right?

Dick: Ehh...

Maddox: Just kinda bubbly and dumb? Is that what it is? 'Cause Thor is a dumb character!

Dick: Well, he's using, like, traditionally -- he's an exaggeration of masculine strengths, right?

Maddox: I guess.

Dick: Like, characteristics.

Maddox: Sure, sure.

Dick: So I think the girl version of that is just like, very...promiscuous? Or someone who uses a lot of feminine wiles in all situations, like aggressively sexual? Is that...?

Maddox: You know, if you want to stay true to the stereotypes, and true to the trope of Thor -- which, you're right -

Dick: Yeah! That's...

Maddox: - Thor is the masculine stereotypes, right? So let's go ahead and make her female stereotypes!

Dick: Well, which is Loki! In the original...this might be boring, but in the original folklore Loki changes into a chick, like, not infrequently!

Maddox: That's what I'd be doin'.

Dick: Excuse me?

Maddox: (cracks up) If I was Loki, I'd just turn into a chick sometimes! Why not? "Hey." (as female version of himself)

Dick: ...Yeah. (puzzled)

Maddox: Just look at myself in the mirror. "What's goin' on?"

Dick: Ohhh, okay!

Maddox: "What's goin' on, Maddox?" (flirtatiously) "Maddilox?"

Dick: Uh, would you...would you bang other chicks, then?

Maddox: Of course, yeah!

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: I'm still straight. (laughs)

Dick: Do you think it would be easier if you were a chick to like, rope bicurious girls?

Maddox: You know, I'm not sure. I just read this thing on a fan's wall recently...uh, you know, it sounded like she was straight. She was at a playground or somethin', hanging out, and some girl came up and started harassing her and stalking her...and she just wasn't interested, and she said it was very uncomfortable. But I've also seen the opposite happen, where two lesbian girls, like -- if they meet in kind of an environment where it's a lesbian club, or somethin' like that, they are *very* aggressive with each other.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: I've seen it. They're very grabby, and they do things that guys can't get away with.

Dick: Whoa!

Maddox: Yeah, I've seen that happen. So if I were a lesbian, uh, Thor -- who am I again? Loki. A superhero...

Dick: No, you said Maddilox was your name, didn't you?

Maddox: Well, Maddilox is the female -

Dick: (interjects) Didn't he? [to Sean] Didn't he say "Maddilox"?

Maddox: Yeah. Maddilox is the female Maddox, yeah.

Dick: I would love to see you write, like, with a female -- I actually, I had written down here, like, a reboot of Maddox as a woman.

Maddox: As a woman, did you really?? (laughing)

Dick: I would LOVE to hear the female version of the Maddox voice.

Maddox: Yeah, you're hearing it. (laughs) Nothing's changed. (pauses) Okay.

Dick: Yeah, um...well, that's why it annoyed me. That's why it was such a big problem to me. (suddenly excited) Okay -- okay, dude, by the way, did you see this girl who won the American Ninja Challenge?

Maddox: Yeah! She's badass!

Dick: Amazing!!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Amazing, right?

Maddox: Five foot nothin'...

Dick: And SUPER hot.

Maddox: Yeah, she's great!

Dick: Yeah, think she's enjoying this chick Thor reboot?

Maddox: No! She doesn't get...

Dick: No!

Maddox: She hasn't read a comic -- she doesn't look like the type of person who would be really into comics. She's very athletic. And I know these are stereotypes -

Dick: (interjects) That's a good point!!

Maddox: Right? These are all stereotypes, but that's all we have to go off of. Some stereotypes are true for a reason; generally people who are super athletic spend hours in the gym and hours exercising, and they have time for little else. That's what they spend their time doing! It's also like people who say they like classical music, and then I ask them what they like to listen to and they say -

Dick: (interjects) "The good ones!" (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: They say "the good ones." (chuckling)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: But you know, Mozart. And Beethoven.

Dick: You know. (sardonic)

Maddox: And that's it. And that's, you know, the classical Top 40.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If you don't spend any time listening to classical in a week, in a given week, you don't listen to classical music! Just cop to it. You don't have to come across as some...pseudo-intellect who listens to classical music. Likewise, you know, reading comics, or anything it is that you do.

Dick: This is Maddox sliding in that he listens to classical music, like a real intellect. (grinning)

Maddox: Oh, it's no secret.

Dick: Yeah. (laughs) Alright, that's why it...I just, I feel like it's shitting on, uh, the wrong people. And I think I'm pretty good at shitting on the right people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know?

Maddox: Mhm.

Dick: You know.

Maddox: Do I...the 'right people' being...?

Dick: Uh, just like, when I went on Dr. Phil?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was like, "Everyone who likes this show is gonna be pissed off 'cause I'm on here being a jackass..."

Maddox: Yeah. That was hilarious.

Dick: "...and I *love* it." Like, I just LOVE it, and I feel like this shit's on my people and it pisses me off.

Maddox: Yeah, well, fair enough! 'Your people' being who, comic book readers?

Dick: Uh, I don't know. (Maddox smirks) Whatever. (cracks up) Anyone else who's pissed off by this stupid thing...

Maddox: Solid.

Dick: this stupid Lady Thor thing.

Maddox: Okay. Uh, let's get to my next problem.

Dick: Great.

Maddox: Is that all you have on Thor?

Dick: That's it.

Maddox: Alright. So my next problem is...drones. And I wanna say this, I wanna come out right up front and say that you should always shoot drones. (slowly for emphasis) (Dick laughs)

Dick: H'okay!

Maddox: Always shoot down drones.

Dick: Military drones too.

Maddox: Uh, yeah! Yeah! If you ever see a military drone, and you're not in America -- if you're outside America, you're gonna wanna shoot it, and if you're inside America, you're DEFINITELY gonna wanna shoot it. Always shoot drones.

Dick: Oh, that's true -- wow, I said that to be a smartass!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: But I, uhh, you're...I agree with you! (chuckling)

Maddox: Mmhm!

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Sharp as a tack, I am. So drones, drones are a problem. Here's what's going on with drones: I don't know if you've been keeping up on drone tech, but there's a company that made -- this is from, it's a link to a CNNMoney video. [ ] They made a drone that actually fires high-voltage taser charges at people. Listen to this -

Dick: (interjects) Wait, who did?

Maddox: Some company did.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: It's, uh, I believe it's called the CUPID? Uh, here's the clip. This is from, and they were linking to CNN. Here it is. [ plays video clip]

Male Presenter: So we're about to do a live demonstration here at South by Southwest of our Project CUPID, which is our Chaotic Unmanned Personal Intercept Drone.

Dick: (over clip) Ohh. (exasperated)

Female CNN Correspondent: Does that mean the drone is gonna stun this guy behind us?

Male Presenter: That's exactly what's gonna happen. It's gonna stun him with about 80,000 volts.

[video clip stops]

Dick: Can annoying is that shit when they make the name of the robot, like, so the acronym is some cute-ass name of what the thing is?

Maddox: Ugh. That is annoying.

Dick: The "CUPID"?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then they -- some jerk sat there and spelt it all out, so it says "CUPID."

Maddox: Mmhm. "Oh, and you know, it's like a cupid because it shoots an arrow, and it's a dart that shocks you." (pretentious voice) Like, what is does that translate to the metaphor?

Dick: "ZEUS" should've been the name, you jerk.

Maddox: "ZEUS"!!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: That's a great fucking name, 'cause it shoots lightning!!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah, that's a PERFECT name! Holy SHIT!

Dick: But they probably -- how do you do a thing with Z-E-U-S?

Maddox: "Zero..."

Dick: "Unmanned Surveillance" could be the end...

Maddox: Yeah. "Zero..."

Dick: "Zero..." What's 'E'?

Maddox: Uh...

Dick: "Zero...ENGAGEMENT"! (excited) "...Unmanned Surveillance"!

Maddox: "Zero Engagement Unmanned Surveillance." There you go.

Dick: YES!! Okay!

Maddox: Nailed it! "ZEUS." Fucking idiots, "CUPID." It's not shooting love, it's shooting DEATH. So -

Dick: (interjects) So, they did that.

Maddox: 80,000 volts, this thing. And this thing shoots this dart that looks looks like a bullet, and it stabs you in the back? This thing must've gone a few centimeters into this guy's skin, into his SPINAL COLUMN, and knocked him off his feet immediately! This was insane, how powerful this thing was. So this is coming, by the way! This is -- police are interested in this, the Department of Defense is interested in this. (Dick sighs angrily) And these guys -- these chickenshits who made this drone, this killing machine, they came out and they said, "Well, you know, we're just trying to raise awareness about what drones can do, 'cause, you know, hopefully people will use drones to deliver emergency aid, and, you know, rescue services..." (smug voice) (Dick laughs cynically) Oh, really, dickhead? Then why didn't you create a drone to deliver emergency aid and rescue children? If it -

Dick: (interjects) Uhh, yeah, it could do both. Can I just say real fast, my position on this is that I love drones and I think they're awesome. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Great. (cracking up)

Dick: Just so you know what you're...I mean, just so you know what you're pitching against.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah. No, no, I mean, that's fine; I UNDERSTAND that you're part of the problem, Dick.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: These are going to be surveilling us in the near future!

Dick: We're already being surveilled!! All the TIME!

Maddox: Yeah, but not by -

Dick: (interjects) Didn't that dumb Snowden stuff prove that?

Maddox: Of course we're being surveilled, I don't care -- like, listening in on my phone call conversations and checking my web stream, in case I type in the word...I don't know, "ricin attack," or "how to create anthrax" or something like that, that's a different -

Dick: (interjects) Wow, you knew those really fast! (chuckling) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Eh...oops! (Dick laughs) Actually, no joke, I did search that today. know, for research. But that's different -

Dick: (interjects) Research on what? (amused)

Maddox: Uh, because that girl who sent ricin to Obama got arrested.

Dick: Oh my god, somebody did that?!

Maddox: Yeah, someone did that!

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: She was a former actress from, uh, The Walking Dead - I think she was an extra, or something?

Dick: Whoooooa!

Maddox: Uh-huh! She and her husband, they're these insane gun nuts who were just so paranoid that Obama was gonna 'come take their guns'... (imitating Southern accent)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ...that she made ricin and sent it in an envelope to Obama.

Dick: Wow!

Maddox: And I was talkin' to my friend -

Dick: (interjects) I don't think that's gonna fix anything, though.

Maddox: No, of course not!

Dick: It's not a good plan.

Maddox: What are you gonna do?? And it's ricin, it takes DAYS to kill you! So, it's a dumb -- she's a dumbass. (Dick snorts) So anyway, she sent this ricin to Obama, got arrested - that's what I was researching. I'm sure I'm in some database right now at the NSA; anyone listening to this podcast probably is, if they do any kind of voice analysis and they find that (chuckles) we were saying "anthrax" and "ricin" on this podcast.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's different than having a fucking Predator, a little helicopter drone, chasing you around with a taser on it! Which, by the way, might malfunction, shoot you in the eyes...tasers aren't meant to be shot in your EYES! That can make you go blind!

Dick: Well,'s comin'.

Maddox: Of course it's coming! And you know what? Even worse than that is coming. There's a company in South Africa that has produced a drone -- listen to this. [ plays RT news clip:]

Female Newscaster: The machine has been branded the "Skunk" for its relation, of course, to a skunk's spraying capacity. It has 8 electric motors -

Dick: (over clip) Ew.

Female Newscaster: - with propellers that can lift and carry 4,000 pepper spray balls (Dick laughs) or other non-lethal ammunition.

[Maddox pauses news clip]

Dick: Oh my god! (giggling)

Maddox: 4,000 pepper spray balls!

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Now listen how fast this thing can shoot, listen to this.

Dick: Okay. [Maddox resumes news clip]

Female Newscaster: The device is equipped with 4 barrels firing up to 20 balls per second each, which could equate to 80 pepper spray balls per second.

Maddox: [pauses clip] 80 pepper balls... (slowly for emphasis)

Dick: Pepper balls. (grinning)

Maddox: ...per second. (cracks up)

Dick: 'Pepper balls!' (chirpily)

Maddox: That's, uh...

Dick: You know that chick was thinking about, like, balls. Like guys' balls, when she was doing that.

Maddox: Oh yeah, that's what...that's what I got between my legs. Pepper balls. (smiling) Here, listen to this. [resumes news clip]

Female Newscaster: It's also fitted with strobe lights, blinding lasers, and on-board speakers -

Dick: Sounds like an awesome show!

Female Newscaster: - to give verbal warnings to the crowds.

[news clip ends]

Maddox: Yeah! (skeptical) Strobe lights...

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, like a Styx show! (laughing)

Maddox: ...BLINDING lasers?! It can shoot -- it has 4,000 rounds of pepper balls! So I did the math - that's at 80 rounds per second? That means 50 seconds of continuous rapid-fire attacks!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Almost a solid minute of nonstop, 80 rounds per second.

Dick: Okay, but're bitching about like, military technology, but -

Maddox: This is not...

Dick: - everything that they make always ends up being something else cool.

Maddox: This is not military technology! This is -- they're selling this to private companies! There's a mining company in Africa that bought these so they can control any kind of worker unrest, or if they're gonna have a protest or anything like that, they have these. And they're also deploying these now with, not just pepper spray balls, but with UV-coded, uh, paintballs, so that they can tag protesters.

Dick: Hm!

Maddox: So even after the fact if you were at a protest, they'll tag you, they'll hunt you down, they'll find you with UV lights, and they'll arrest you!

Dick: This is in Africa?

Maddox: This is gonna be *everywhere.* They're making these drones everywhere. So, again, always shoot drones. (slowly for emphasis)

Dick: I don't...I don't know, man. I like -- I think that the arms race that you're talking about is good. Because it's like, a good incentive to get better, cooler stuff. You know? Get the drones up there, fine. But then all the other guys will take that and make other, like, good guy drones! Like drones that deliver groceries, and drones -- did you hear about the drones that deliver beer? (eagerly)

Maddox: No, where's this?

Dick: Uh, it's like, in an ice fishing place? I think, like, up in the north, up in Alaska or Canada somewhere. These guys have a drone that will fly you beer out to your ice shack.

Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical) Well...

Dick: That's pretty cool, man!

Maddox: It's pretty cool, but guess what? What if someone malfunctions, someone screwed up their job? Which, YOU don't believe in humans even being able to run a check stand correctly!

Dick: Yeah, DEFINITELY not!

Maddox: So if somebody malfunctions and sends a drone to you that shoots a taser in your eyes, guess what? You didn't get beer, you got blind.

Dick: I mean, that would be a pretty lousy customer experience. (Maddox laughs) I just think the likelihood of that happening when I'm ordering beer...uh, at 1:30 in the morning, is pretty low. You know?

Maddox: The likelihood that you're gonna...?

Dick: The likelihood that I'm gonna get tased in my eyeballs from the wrong drone?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is very low.

Maddox: Is very low, VERSUS the likelihood of me getting tased in the eyes and goin' blind when I go to a liquor store is ZERO. I just walk in, buy my beer, and walk out. I don't have to worry about a malfunctioning drone that might shoot me in the eyes!

Dick: Why are you so worried about drones?

Maddox: Because it's not -

Dick: (interjects) Is it because of like, military power?

Maddox: No, because of police. Police are already corrupt, police are already abusing their powers; the next thing they're gonna have is drones flying around everywhere, with tasers and control mechanisms and pepper sprays! It's gonna make people more afraid -- rubber bullets! And these drones aren't accurate! They can be knocked down with a...with a T-shirt, or wind blows and it throws it off its coordinate, and then the cops are gonna have NO accountability. They're gonna say, "Well, it malfunctioned. What can we do? Sue the contractor!" And the contractor's gonna say, "Oh, sorry, we signed a non-...uh, whatever contract!"

Dick: "We changed our name!" (mocking)

Maddox: Yeah! Of course, yeah. (cynical)

Dick: "We're different guys now!"

Maddox: Oh, of course! "We went bankrupt now!"

Dick: You know, you're not...I mean, what you're saying isn't crazy. Uh...I was looking at -- I love drones, I really do. And I was looking at the long distance flying hard would it be to slap a GPS on one and carry weed across the border?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Just, like, to see what's going on. Right?

Maddox: I'm sure that's coming too, yeah!

Dick: Uh, and I found out that the companies making these things are not allowed to sell the version with GPS to consumers.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: They're LEO only.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: They're Law Enforcement, uh...I don't know if it's Officers or Officials only.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, how long before some drug cartel gives someone a boatload of cash and says, "Hey, fit this with GPS," and here we go! Now you have to worry about drones -- and by the way, it -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, so just to stop you for a second, my email's on the 'Who' page if any drug cartels are listening. (wryly) (Maddox laughs) Uh, but they already do that! They have submarines that like, are self-piloting submarines that go around the border.

Maddox: Yeah! But sub-- of course, but submarines are limited to sea access only. Uh, this is going to be a game changer in the drugs wars. This is gonna be a game changer in SO many things, so many applications that are bad. And there are only a few applications that are good; there's that stupid bullshit video where someone flew a drone through some fireworks, which, everyone's like, "Ohh, it's so amazing! I'm so glad this technology exists!" (mocking) I got bored...I dunno, 30 seconds into this thing. I get it.

Dick: Yeah, me too.

Maddox: I've seen -- it looks like a screensaver.

Dick: Yeah. It does! It does. (cracking up)

Maddox: Except worse...right? It looks like a screensaver, except worse. It's kinda blurry-looking, and I don't really need to see fireworks up that close. It's not that interesting.

Dick: Yeah, I'm really on board with you about not letting cops have technology.

Maddox: Yeah. Because they're going to abuse it, EVERY chance they get! And by the way, there's already police helicopters flying around 24/7!

Dick: Showing off!

Maddox: Showing off, that's all they do!

Dick: Just showing off their fuckin' helicopters, all day.

Maddox: Yeah, because they HAVE it, and they bring their friends and family aboard, and they buzz your house, and they buzz the towers, and everything they want! They just fuck around and waste taxpayer money. (angrily) Next thing it's gonna be, drones are gonna be lookin' through your back window, they're gonna be sneakin' off, flyin' off -- "Oh, sorry!" And EVERY time they get caught, they have all the lack of culpability in the world by simply saying, "It was a malfunction."

Dick: So is that the future? Is it gonna be, like, cop drones flying around and then like, Anonymous? Like uh, eBaum's World drones just flying up and taking them out? 'Cause you can't -- how do you trace a DRONE back??

Maddox: its location?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Well...

Dick: To, like, the resistance fighters. (cracks up) (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox: Pretty much, yeah. You would have to -- you could create drones, so that's why we need, um...turrets! Auto-tracking turrets, which isn't that hard. There's libraries, there's open source libraries -

Dick: Heh, okay. (skeptical)

Maddox: - that track motion in the sky, and they just shoot down drones!

Dick: Slow down. (chuckling)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're, uh, you're really building a dystopia in our backyards (Maddox laughs) with this turret shit.

Maddox: Well, uh, I'm not done. I have the full 20-point plan.

Dick: (interjects) What would be the -- yeah, what would your future be? (smiling) Is it really cops with drones, and then everybody has like, homebrew turrets that they printed out on 3D printers with Linux and open source software, and they're shooting down drones?

Maddox: Basically! We're getting to that point, and I don't care if it's more convenient for Amazon to ship stuff for me, it's not worth what I'm giving up in freedom. What I'm giving up in freedom is the ability to go unrestrained around earth, without having some fucking drone malfunction and shoot me in the back of the head, or in the eyes, or some bullshit like that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: These pepper spray...4,000 rounds of pepper spray at 80 rounds a second? Are you insane?? (incredulous)

Dick: Is that to disperse like, when Egypt had that big rebellion? Is that for stuff like that? Like, they just pop up a couple drones and they're done with it?

Maddox: Yeah, it's GOING to be. It's going to be, and it's not just gonna be -- they could probably disperse -

Dick: Yeah, I dunno, man. (hesitantly)

Maddox: - they could probably disperse a crowd of 100,000 people with 4 or 5 of these drones. If they had 4 cannons firing 80....20 rounds per second, or 80 total rounds per second, shooting pepper spray everywhere!

Dick: I'll tell you what, I'm excited about it. (Maddox scoffs)

Maddox: GREAT, Dick.

Dick: Look, I'm excited about the way the world's gonna change.

Maddox: Uh-huh. (dubious)

Dick: It's gonna get a lot more interesting...

Maddox: Yeah, well.

Dick: ...there's more power in fewer people's hands on both sides, it's gonna be fun.

Maddox: It WILL be. It will be, but that's why I say, always shoot drones.

Dick: Okay. (laughing)

Maddox: Don't forget, always shoot drones.

Dick: Uh, can I...can I go now?

Maddox: Yep. What's your next - yeah.

Dick: Okay. Um.....priests!

Maddox: Priests? (snickering)

Dick: Yeah, I wanna lighten things up here. We're gettin' kinda heavy.

Maddox: Yeah, let's get into some light territory. (sarcastic)

Dick: The pope said, uh, this week, or last week or whatever, that 2 percent of priests are child molesters.

Maddox: 2 percent! (thoughtfully)

Dick: Yeah, lemme read you this quote. I actually wrote down a quote, which I never do. Um, "Many of my collaborators who fight with me against pedophilia reassure me with reliable, blah blah blah blah blaaaah..." That it's about 2 percent, that he was quoted as saying. Pope Francis, that's the guy, right?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah. So 2 percent, right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Uh, when you hear that 2 percent of priests are pedophiles, what do you think? Do you think that is high, or do you think that is low? (cynical)

Maddox: I think that's about right.

Dick: Okay! Um, do you think it should be more or less?

Maddox: ...I think that's about right. Neither more nor less.

Dick: Nononono. Do you think it *should*? If I -

Maddox: (interjects) Well it -- oh, it SHOULD be less! It should be zero.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Thank you, that's all I -- I just wanted to get your initial gut reaction.

Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah.

Dick: Here's what this jackass pope says.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Uh, "This data should hearten me..."

Maddox: Hm'kay. (chuckling)

Dick: That's his response!

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: "...but I have to tell you that it does not hearten me at all." No shit, jackass! (Maddox laughs) [quote continues] "In fact, I think it's very grave." [quote ends] 'It SHOULD hearten me.' (dismayed)

Maddox: Well, I think what he's trying to say is that most people thought it might be higher. Most people might've thought it mighta been in the 50 percent range, or 40 percent range, or whatever. It's a small percentage of the priests out there.

Dick: And that is sick on its own.

Maddox: Well...

Dick: That people think that the... (stammers) That the conception is that it's higher than 2 percent. But like -

Maddox: (interjects) Right, because all you hear about in the news is priest abuse scandals. So that's probably why people have this perception that priests are all pedophiles.

Dick: 2 percent is a huge, HUGE number.

Maddox: Is it?

Dick: YES. Can you imagine if, um...okay, let's say I had like, a jar of gummy bears here.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And I told you that 2 percent of them would molest you.

Maddox: Yeah. (cracking up)

Dick: Would you eat them?

Maddox: No.

Dick: No!

Maddox: Of course not.

Dick: A HUGE number, 2 percent. Imagine going to the Super Bowl, and I told you, "Okay, 2 percent of guys in here are gonna molest you. There's a 2 percent chance that every guy here in this 100,, 50,000 people crowd, stadium...are going to, when you're at the urinal, reach back and stick a thumb up your ass when you don't expect it."

Maddox: Well...ehh, I don't know about that. 'Cause then I got my guns with me, and I can elbow 'em. I'll be watchin'.

Dick: Okay, but you see what I'm saying?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: That's a SHITLOAD of people.

Maddox: Well... (skeptical)

Dick: 2 percent is -- so, what's the, what's the number...? (yelling) What I'm asking is, what is the number where the pope woulda come out and said, "Uh, you know, that's fine"? Like, if 2 percent 'should hearten him'?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: What was the number that was...that was decent?? Like, if it had come back at 1 percent, is that low enough?

Maddox: No no, again, I think that he had the -- everybody had this perception that the number of priests who molest kids is...high, astronomical! But it's not!

Dick: I think 2 percent is fuckin' astronomical!!

Maddox: Okay, Dick, but what is it in relation to the rest of the population? How many pedophiles do you think are going around molesting kids right now, just in the standard population? Just forget about priests.

Dick: I looked, I couldn't find any.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Well, I did find some interesting stuff that said serial killers and pedophiles are, like, the same? But nothing that...there's nothing that helped me. Yeah.

Maddox: Okay, but there are pedophiles out there! People get busted for, you know, child porn and being attracted to kids all the time. Uh, especially -

Dick: (interjects) What do YOU think the number is?

Maddox: I think it's probably around 2 percent! That's why I think this '2 percent' number is not -

Dick: (interjects) You think...? Sorry.

Maddox: Yeah, probably! Yeah, probably 2 percent! That doesn't sound too outrageous. Like, as a percentage of the population that has this, this...I don't even know if it's a disorder or what it is -

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: - but they have this compulsion towards molesting kids; it's gotta be a low percentage.

Dick: I REALLY think that 2 percent is *astronomically* high. Like, I think if you look at a normal population that is not priest-based...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...that doesn't spend the majority of their time having an imaginary friend...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...uh, it's way, WAY lower than 2 percent. Like, in the's a HUGE disease, I think.

Maddox: Well, that's absolute speculation.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Like, you have no stats.

Dick: Who cares??

Maddox: (sound clip of Dick saying, "I've got a stats for you.") You have no stats on this. (chuckling) Like, of course it -- what do you mean, "who cares"? This is your entire argument! If you're trying to make the case that 2 percent is astronomical -- which, by the way, ANY percent is astronomical. In an ideal world, we would have no pedophiles, but they exist. Is it unusual, is 2 percent unusual amongst priests? Or is it in line with any other population? That's an important statistic to write down.

Dick: That's what I'm asking you!

Maddox: I don't know, yeah!

Dick: Like, if 2 percent, um...if 2 percent of the time that cops pulled you over to use your drone -- if 2 percent of the drones shot that electric zapper up your ass? (Sean snickers in the background)

Maddox: Right, yeah. (smiling)

Dick: I would think that would be a huge friggin' problem.

Maddox: Yeah. (long pause) (Sean snorts in amusement)

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, it would be! It would be. So what exactly is your problem? So he said...but he said it's a -

Dick: (interjects) So the failure rate of priests is 2 percent, and his attitude is like, "Well, you know, um...we're gonna give it a shot," basically. "We realize that it's severe; we feel like this is *kinda* good news, 'cause it's not as high as we thought, but we're gonna give it the old college try and try to..." (Maddox chuckles) "...try to FIX this." (cynical)

Maddox: No, but that's not the full quote. He also came out and said -- for the first time, a pope has actually taken culpability for, uh, priests who have molested and sexually abused kids. This pope -

Dick: (interjects) "Culpability," by the way, meaning "said words" and not giving away any of their trillion-dollar empire.

Maddox: Oh, no, there have been a lot of settlements. Especially in America.

Dick: Not NEARLY enough.

Maddox: Not nearly enough, I agree! This is a heinous, heinous crime. But he did also follow up with...what did he say, "it's grave"? How did you say -- how exactly did you read that quote?

Dick: Yeah yeah, he said it was grave, but I just -- I think it's bullshit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I mean, I think like, if that's the response to 2 1 out of 50 of your guys is a friggin' *pedophile*? Your response is, "It's grave"? (incredulous)

Maddox: it 1 out of 50? Is that what the number is?

Dick: 2 percent! Yeah.

Maddox: Well, how many priests are there?

Dick: You're a math major, you tell me. 1 in 50.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: 1 in -- I mean, right??

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Yeah, 1 in 50, so you fill a -

Maddox: Yeah yeah, 1 in 50. Right.

Dick: You fill a bus up with priests...

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ...and one of them is a FRIGGIN' PEDOPHILE?!?

Maddox: But I feel like if you go up and down just a neighborhood, and just get 50 neighbors -- 50 of your neighbors -- probably one of 'em's a little weird.

Dick: 'Weird'?!

Maddox: Probably one of 'em's a little...


Maddox: That's what I'm TALKIN' about, is a pedophile.

Dick: Really??

Maddox: Yeah, probably pokes a kid or two. Or he's probably into, uh, some child porn. Like, there ARE weirdos out there! That's why people are so deathly afraid of taking their kids or letting their kids go to strangers' houses, and they don't want -- and by the way, I feel like this fear is, uh, misplaced. Because in the '60s and '70s, the rule was if you were lost as a child, go find an adult, go find a stranger and they'll help you. Whereas today, if you're lost, go to a police station or something, or go to a payphone, or find a phone; DON'T go to an adult, don't go to a stranger, DON'T talk to strangers. Because there's this absolute fear that *everybody's* a pedophile, where...I genuinely believe that number's probably pretty low. Have you known any pedophiles? Have you known anyone who's ever gotten busted for pedophilia?

Dick: No, I haven't.

Maddox: So, I have.

Dick: And I know alotta people!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So that's zero percent for me.

Maddox: Well, that you KNOW of, that have been busted.

Dick: Sure, okay.

Maddox: I do! I actually do. Uh, this kid -- well, I can't...I mean, there's no evidence that he's actually done anything. However, there were these -

Dick: (interjects) But we're not sayin' his name anyway.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Sure. So, there were these groups that go around and try to set up sting operations to catch people who are looking for child porn, and looking to hook up with underage, know, adolescents. And -

Dick: (interjects) Online?

Maddox: Online, yeah.

Dick: Like, one of those guys?

Maddox: Uh-huh!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And this was in Utah, and this, uh, this company set up a sting operation; they set up this account that was a 13-year-old girl talking to this guy who was 22, 23 years old.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they -- she said, "Come by my house, I'll bring condoms..." Very much like To Catch A Predator.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And when this guy did, he got spooked, and the police tried to chase him down but he got away. And then he left the state, went to New Mexico or somethin' like that. He had a wife and kids, and all this other shit. So, this guy's a creep. Uh...he was an absolute creep. However, of all the people I've met in the world that I know of, it was ONE out of thousands. So I think that number's probably pretty low.

Dick: So he got knocked by them? Yeah yeah yeah -- no no, yeah!! (suddenly excited) That's exactly what I'm saying!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: One out of thousands. So, what is that? What are the...that's a .001?

Maddox: Right, but that's my own personal experience. I -- again, unless we have a statistic -

Dick: (interjects) And we know a LOT of weirdos and scumbags.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know?

Maddox: Actually, no, I DO know someone who did get arrested! Uh, one of my old teachers. And this happens with teachers -

Dick: (interjects) Whoa, for being a pedophile?

Maddox: Yeah! This happens with teachers all the time!

Dick: Whooooooa!

Maddox: Especially women teachers! There's that girl...uh, that lady teacher, actually, she had -

Dick: (interjects) Debra Lafave.

Maddox: Well, she was one of 'em, yeah!

Dick: She was hot. (sexy tone)

Maddox: And she ended up marrying the student she had sex with.

Dick: Ohhhh. (intrigued)

Maddox: But just recently in the news there was another lady, I think, up north in Washington? She had sex with two 18-year-old students and she still got arrested. She brought them to her house, gave them beer, and still got arrested for delinquency of a minor, or whatever, because if you're still in school -- they just passed a law -- if the student's still in school, it's still illegal. Still against the law.

Dick: What'd she look like?

Maddox: Um, probably a solid 6. 6 and a half.

Dick: Eughhh, that's sad.

Maddox: Hot enough, you know? Hot enough for a teacher fantasy, just so you can grub and say, "Yeah, I banged a teacher."

Dick: Nyeeeah... (skeptical) I mean, that's not worth it, though.

Maddox: No, of course not.

Dick: I think.

Maddox: Not for me!

Dick: And that poor kid that married -- what did you say, the other one, Debra Lafave?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: She got married to that...?

Maddox: She married -- uh, I think so, yeah! She married -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, he's in...he's in for a real bad surprise in like, 10 years...

Maddox: Oh yeah.

Dick: ...when she falls apart?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: That's too bad.

Maddox: Well... (cracks up) But that's not the important statistic! Again, what we're talkin' about is -

Dick: (interjects) We were talking you're saying that there's a lot of pedophile teachers and a lot of pedophile priests.

Maddox: But those are the ones that we HEAR of, because they're around kids and they -- it's easy to bust them.

Dick: I think that's part of the problem, man. Like, I can't see...I can't see '2 percent' and think, "So, what are you 2 percent, you gettin' in there to get access to kids?"

Maddox: Possibly! Is it teachers? Is it Boy Scout leaders? Girl Scout leaders? Is it, uh, preschool teachers?

Dick: Well, those are parents. Those are usually parents.

Maddox: Yeah! And some of 'em screw around with kids, and they get busted! Those are the ones that you hear about.

Dick: I mean, I don't know, man. (hesitantly)

Maddox: Like, you NEVER hear about the priests who don't get busted. You never hear about news from Mexico when there isn't a drug killing or somethin' like that. You only hear the negative news.

Dick: But you ALSO never hear about them actually cracking down on it! Like, what did this jackass say? Uh, the pope. He's gonna...he pledged to use "the rod" to fight evil inside the Church.

Maddox: The rod? (puzzled)

Dick: What the FUCK does THAT mean?

Maddox: What does that mean? (quietly)

Dick: Yeah! (Sean scoffs in the background) ...Yeah! It's just a bunch of BULLSHIT! It's ALL bull-- what he should've said was, "Okay, 2 percent. You know what we're gonna do? We're gonna lock all the priests in the Vatican..."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: "...and I'm gonna say, 'Tomorrow I'm gonna come back, and there better be ZERO percent pedophiles, or I'm burning the whole fuckin' building down.'" THAT'S what I wanted to hear.

Maddox: Yeah, well...there have been cover-ups in the Church. That actually did come out, that there have been cover-ups. But uh, as far as -- I dunno. I don't know if this '2 percent' number is astronomical, and some...actually, I'm reading now on the LA Times: "An interview that credits Pope Francis as saying about 2 percent of Roman Catholic clerics are pedophiles stirred controversy Sunday, as the Vatican sought to raise questions about the article's accuracy and others called on the pope to take more action on the issue. The remarks, reported in the Italian newspaper La Repubblica, came a week after the pope asked for forgiveness in the first meeting with victims of clerical sexual abuse." [ ]

Dick: IMMEDIATELY with the forgiveness. (annoyed)

Maddox: Well... (chuckles)

Dick: That's what he's...?

Maddox: I mean, they ARE Catholic, that's what -

Dick: (interjects) I mean, JESUS CHRIST, man! Like, are you a PERSON or what?!? (yelling) Are you some kinda weird MUTANT? Do ya not understand what's happening here??

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I mean, what, what would be the appropriate response, other than just...?

Dick: Uh, if you're already covering up child abuse, cover up a murder! (cynical)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's a lesser crime. Just DO it. Sack up, Padre, and get rid of these fuckers. That's all I'm saying...that's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah, it's a shitty thing, man.

Dick: I guess it's a problem I actually care about! We finally found, you know.....what are you readin'?

Maddox: So, it says here, [quotes same LA Times article] "Lombardi did not rebut any assertion Francis was said to have made, but raised questions about the lack of a closing quotation mark at the end of the paragraph that included the 2 percent figure. 'A lapse of memory or an explicit acknowledgement the naif reader is being manipulated?' he asked." So.

Dick: So what's the number, then?

Maddox: I don't know. I don't know, man.

Dick: Yeah. No, that's my question for THAT guy.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Oh, so what is it, then? What's the okay number?" So, that number was -- he obviously felt that number was too high. Right?

Maddox: Oh, well, here's the number -

Dick: (interjects) He obviously felt that number should've been fudged, and they shoulda just said, "Oh, you know, we're looking into it." (stupid voice) THIS -- see, THIS MOTHERFUCKER right here, that's EXACTLY what I'm talkin' about!

Maddox: Well, so here's what it says, according to the LA Times. It says, "At a United Nations hearing this year, the Vatican said it had defrocked 848 priests over the last decade and ordered 2,572 to 'live a life of prayer and penance' because of abuse allegations. There are about 414,000 Roman Catholic priests worldwide, according to the BBC; if 2 percent are pedophiles, that would be more than 8,000."

Dick: That's alotta pedophiles. (chuckling in dismay)

Maddox: That's a decent amount, yeah.

Dick: 8,000. (taken aback)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I mean, you could have like, a pedophile city! Of just those guys! (cracking up)

Maddox: So, he says here, though, "In his meeting last week with victims of clerical sexual abuse, Francis pledged that the bishops who covered up such abuse of minors would be held accountable." So, whether or not he comes through and actually does something about it...I mean, it's fuckin' high time. This is, this IS bullshit and this has gone on way too long.

Dick: They're never gonna do shit about it.

Maddox: Well...

Dick: 'Cause they don't -- you know what? They don't care. And people who go to church and give money to the Church also don't fuckin' care.

Maddox: No, that's not true! People are outraged by this.

Dick: Why are they givin' money to it, then? (angrily)

Maddox: Well, because your HOPE is that, if it is 2 percent, it's not -- it's obviously some errant problem! I mean, even in any organization, you're gonna have people who do cocaine, who break the law, who are pedophiles, who have sexual deviancy -

Dick: (interjects) This is not an organization!

Maddox: It is!

Dick: It's a RELIGION!

Maddox: Right, but -

Dick: (interjects) There's a DIFFERENCE. They get tax breaks 'cause shit like this isn't supposed to HAPPEN. Cut off the money, this problem'll go away real fast.

Maddox: What, you... (cracks up)

Dick: That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: think that pedophiles are, uh -- this is a safe harbor because they get tax breaks? (amused)

Dick: Uh, nonononono! I'm saying that you expect -- it's not just an organization, you expect more out of a religion! You HAVE to, because they have tax breaks. Like, they're treated differently as a legal entity, so we should expect different results from them!

Maddox: Yeah, I guess. You know, so you're saying there should be -

Dick: (interjects) They're giving corporate-speak here!

Maddox: Right. Well, if they give more accountability to the Church, like if there was more government oversight; is that what you're saying that they should have? Well, I know YOU'RE not in favor of any government oversight.

Dick: Well, I do think they should be treated like a corporation. I don't think they should get any kind of tax breaks. A religion?

Maddox: So, if a corporation...if a corporation had employees that they found abused kids -

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: - what is the correct response?

Dick: Uh, a massive lawsuit. Immediately fire the people, they go STRAIGHT to jail...

Maddox: Right.

Dick: ...or a trial, whatever. Legal system.

Maddox: Right, right.

Dick: And then an enormous lawsuit!

Maddox: M'kay.

Dick: Is there any of that stuff happening here? No!

Maddox: There have been settlements, yeah. There have been.

Dick: All the legal stuff that I said? NO.

Maddox: Well, I don't know...I mean, I don''re putting me on the spot, I don't have the evidence.

Dick: I mean, if you're -- oh, I'm telling you, no. Uh...

Maddox: (splutters; laughing) There HAVE -- like, I've read, there have been *huge* settlements with some of these kids.

Dick: They switch -- yes, of course there have!

Maddox: Not enough!

Dick: Not enough.

Maddox: And it doesn't justify any of this. This is bullshit!

Dick: A corporation would never get away with this. That's what I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah... (thoughtfully) Yeah -

Dick: (interjects) Because if you knew -- if you came out as a corporation, like if Microsoft, if... (stammers angrily) Uh, who is it, Steve Ballmer? He quit now. Who -- if Tim Cook came out tomorrow and said, "You know, uh, 2 percent of Apple store employees are pedophiles, we think." Do you have any IDEA what the FBI would say?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They would say "Oh, WHO?!?" (hysterically) "Who are they?? Give us who they are RIGHT NOW, so we can investigate them! Why do you think that?" But the pope? Nope!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Say whatever you want. Say whatever you want about pedophiles, nothin' happens to you, 'cause money keeps ROLLIN' on in! (heavily cynical)

Maddox: Well, if that was an estimate, know, you can't pin much to it.

Dick: He SAID he had credible...evidence. Like, he said specifically that he had credible evidence for it, I *believe.*

Maddox: Well, so, it said -- according to the LA Times -- again, 414,000 priests worldwide, and if 2 percent of 'em are pedophiles, that's about 8,000. They have acknowledged finding about...3,300.

Dick: He said "reliable statistics." He said he has reliable statistics on it.

Maddox: Is that what it... (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Is that what it says, Dick? (grinning)

Dick: Yeah, so, let's go! Nonono, I wrote it down.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Uh, so let's go! Hand it over to Interpol.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause YOU guys obviously don't know what the FUCK you're doin'.

Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah.

Dick: You know how to throw a good wedding...

Maddox: Right. (laughs)

Dick: ...and, uh, look at your sculptures all day, but if you're gonna be investigating pedophiles? Turn it over to the authorities.

Maddox: I agree with that! They should. If they DO have credible information, if they have...and by the way, they should investigate *every* fucking allegation, no matter how small, and get to the bottom of it. That's absolutely bullshit that this has gone on for so long. But at least he's one of the first popes -- I think he's the first pope who's ever come out to even acknowledge it and try to say that, you know, "we're trying to solve this problem."

Dick: That means ABSOLUTELY zero to me.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, it is, is a pretty big problem! I'll give you that.

Dick: Hey! (in agreement) But, you know, what's the -- what was the other problem? (breaking into a grin) What's the biggest problem in the universe right now? Do you know?

Maddox: The current biggest problem in the universe?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Is, People Who Can't Eat Spicy Food. (laughs)

Dick: So, okay. So I gotta say, if you're voting...if you're VOTING, you know, look in your heart and see if priests molesting kids is a worse problem than People Who Can't Eat Spicy Foods. (scoffing)

Maddox: Uhh, okay. (Dick cackles wildly) Well, you know what? We need to... (cracks up) We need to -- you do this, Tricky Dick!! (Dick's laughter escalates) Tricky Dick does this! We need to name the problem "Priests Who Molest Kids."

Dick: Nononono! (urgently)

Maddox: Not just "Priests."

Dick: Nonono, because I don't think it's the pedophiles that are the problem, 'cause that's what they do! It's the priests who let it HAPPEN! It's all, it's this whole enclave of scumbags that allow this to happen! That's what I really think the problem is.

Maddox: Yeah, but it's not specific to any particular religion. Lots of different religions have 'priests.' Are you talkin' specifically about Catholic priests?

Dick: Mmmmm. (unsure)

Maddox: Because there's pedophilia in Mormon religion...uh, I know there were pedophiles cuttin' in Jewish religions; their pedophiles cost -

Dick: (interjects) Wait, but they don't have priests! They call them something different, like "deacons" and stuff like that.

Maddox: Yeah, I GUESS, but they're -

Dick: (interjects) "Priests" is Catholic. Like, other religions have a different name, you motherfucker. You tried to trip me up there! I see what you're doin'.

Maddox: no, they know, they have priests in all sorts of different religions.

Dick: No, I really -

Maddox: No -- uh, denominations.

Dick: - it's the whole thing that's priests.

Maddox: You can be a priest who is also not...uh, not in any particular denomination.

Dick: No, nonono.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: You have to be Catholic to be a priest.

Maddox: No, you can be an ordained, like, an ordained minister. What's the difference?

Dick: Minister! It's called...the NAME is the difference.

Maddox: What's the difference between a minister and a priest? (scoffing)

Dick: The name is describing a different thing. That's what makes it different.

Maddox: Yeah...well, I don't know, man. I don't know that you've made the case that priests are wholesale defending pedophiles. I mean...

Dick: Well, they're not doin' anything about it!!

Maddox: That's not true! That's not true.

Dick: They're not doing enough!

Maddox: They're not -- okay! If you wanna make THAT case, that they're not doing enough, sure. To have any kind of, like, evidence to back that up is hard to say. Like, what is...? You can speculate and I can speculate -- look, until there's zero pedophiles, you can ALWAYS say, "People are not doing enough." But how much, what is the solution? What do we do?

Dick: Look, I got a number in my head.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If heard this number...if the pope came out and said .0002 percent of priests are pedophiles?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: I'd be okay with that. 2 percent is WAY off the mark!

Maddox: You'd be okay with .0002... (laughing) That's still a few!

Dick: I mean, it's still a few, but what are you gonna do? It happens. I'm okay with that margin of error. 2 PERCENT is HUGE! If ANYTHING else failed at a rate of 2 percent, I would be outraged!

Maddox: Okay, do you know what the actual number is? Based on the numbers here, according to the U.N....according to Interpol -- I just did the math here -- it's .008 percent. That's -

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean?

Maddox: So, I just added those numbers that they said: the 2,572 who supposedly have to "live a life of prayer and penance," and then the 848 who were turned over.

Dick: Yeah, but you're not privy to the shit he's talkin' about. Like, he's making -- the Vatican, they do all their own, like, studies and research, and he obviously read something...I think that he read something that said "2 percent," he ran his mouth a little too much in public like he's not supposed to do, and the handler chimed in with, "Uh-uh-uh-uh, he was confused! He was confused." So then they threw out a bunch of dumb stats so people would get confused, like chaff! This is what they do!

Maddox: Please...

Dick: This is what these handlers do.

Maddox: ...Dick, can you say that again with an Italian accent? (Dick chuckles)

Dick: A-so, thees is a-what they do-a! They throw out a bunch of a-chaff-a! (rapidly; singsong)

Maddox: He was a-confused-a! (laughs)

Dick: He was -- ah, the pope-a, he was a-confused! 2 percent are pedophiles? A-come onnn! (Maddox laughs more) I want-a 2 percent of a pizza, right now! (switches back to normal voice) That's...and they're like, "Oh, okay, okay." 2 percent of a pizza, that's funny.

Maddox: Okay, problem solved-a! Time for a meat-a-ball! (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah. So, what, you're not gonna let me call it "Priests"? Is that what you're sayin'?

Maddox: Uh, I think you need to be more specific than that.

Dick: You're fuckin' not, what are your problems? (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: My problems are Drones...

Dick: "Drones"? That's not, that', your REAL problem is that -

Maddox: DRONES!!

Dick: - law enforcement officers have drones. Dude, don't dick me...don't nickel and dime me with the fuckin' problems, or I'll do it to you.

Maddox: H'okay. (chuckling) Fine! Fine with me!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: You want me to say "Law Enforcement Drones"? I'm fine with that.

Dick: No! I don't! It's funnier when it's "Drones."

Maddox: Okay. (cracking up)

Dick: It's titillating! It's titillating. I wanna get -- I wanna hear more about it.

Maddox: And, Indignant Co-Hosts. (pleased with himself)

(long pause)

Dick: Well, I don't know what you're talking about. (Maddox laughs quietly) I had a wonderful time today.

Maddox: Ohh, that's a first.

Dick: Uh, you brought up a lot of great points, and I brought know, I tried my best.

Maddox: (sound clip of Dick yelling, "That's ridiculous!") (laughs with Sean)

Dick: I.....that guy sounds like he's got something stuck in his craw. I don't know what to tell ya.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, who was THAT guy? (mocking) Who wants to be HIS co-host? (laughs more)

Dick: And my first problem was Lady Thor.

Maddox: Oh, Lady Thor, that's right!

Dick: Lady Thor.

Maddox: Yeah!

(closing riff starts)

Dick: Go to the website, to vote, and you can vote on several different problems!

Maddox: Right!

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: Don't forget to vote. Thanks, guys.