January 5, 2016, Dick

Episode 86 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster

Presenteeism	1568
Sandy Hook Conspiracy Dipshits	1190

For those of you who spent Monday nursing the tail end of a 3-day-hangover, this month's Bonus Episode has been released and it's a doozy. Buy it now to hear the audio event of a lifetime: Maddox reading a 250-word apology written by me. I wonder if Red Delicious apples are an ingredient in HUMBLE PIE?? Now onto the free shit.

Fans come bearing jpgts in this episode; like the Three Wise Men of old, except instead of gold, frankincense, and mir, they come bearing cookies, DVDs, and a cock pump. If you're wondering why we're opening presents late, thank Maddox's goddamn mail lady who should be replaced by a drone.

Special thanks to Casper for sponsoring this episode. Go to https://casper.com/biggest and use the promo code "biggest" to get $50 off, or don't to pay $50 more.

Among the jpgts are some boxing-glove shaped cookies, a Polaroid that fixed my soul, a badass comic book with a bunch of penises in it, and an ominous warning from one fan who says he will reveal his identity when the time is right. I think I'll know when "the time is right" because it will immediately precede me getting skinned alive and turned into a Buffalo Bill suit. Just kidding, mystery fan who might be and probably is Benicio del Toro. Thank you for the sick DVDs and Maddox's cock pump, Benicio del Toro!

This week, Maddox brings in Sandy Hook Conspiracy Dipshits. I don't know if calling them "dipshits" is fair. They're just asking questions. Like didn't the government secretly invent the murder of a dozen little children and hoax the media by hiring the most secretive and best actors in the universe to play grieving parents on television and then for months afterward, and also use the Men in Black mind-erasing neuralizers on all the teachers, staff and custodians and bus drivers in the most insanely complicated red flag operation ever just to take our guns-which they also haven't done yet? Actually, now that I say it out loud, it does sound like something the government would do.

But that's just one man's opinion. If you think they're dipshits, by all means, vote them up.

I bring in cold and flu deniers-those pieces of shit (read: all of us) who will never admit they're sick. If Bruce Jenner can admit he wants to be a woman, you can admit you have a cold. You might not win Woman of the Year for it, but we will all appreciate the honesty. Presenteeism is the act of showing up for work even though you are a walking biohazard and will be as productive as an untrained ape. It costs approximately $180 million a year, has no solution in sight, and is perpetrated by doctors and food service workers in abundance. We debate several possible reasons for this, but can't come to a consensus. I'm curious what the Sandy Hook Conspiracy Dipshits have to say about it.

If you or a loved one are thinking of going into work this cold and flu season, please remember that nothing you or anyone else does at work matters.

Happy 2016!

Incredible thumbnail courtesy of Ali Hassanein Instagram - https://instagram.com/alihassanein Thumbnail Sources: Office, cough syrup, thermometer

Sources: NY Post - Going to Work Sick isn't helping your career NPR - Food industry workers go to work sick National Intitutes of Health - Doctors go to work sick Wikipedia - Sandy Hook School Shooting summary Vice - What kind of person calls a mass shooting a hoax? Snopes - Sandy Hook Exposed? FALSE.

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