Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 86

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Casper! Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting and using promo code BIGGEST.

(Biggest Solution theme riff starts)

Today's show is brought to you by our OWN bonus episode.

"Dick: And that was the bet. That if you were wrong in that, you would have to read an apology written by me.

Dick: I have in my hand…hot off the keys. Probably the only apology that you might ever say.

Maddox: Fuck it. I'll read it now. I just want to get this shit over with!!"


"Maddox: You let a dog outside, it's gone forever.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Ooooooooh. Okayyyyyyy. Rrrrrrrrrrr?! (goofy voice) I'm gonna go run under a tire now!"


"Maddox: Jews.

Dick: No!

Maddox: Jews invented sandwiches.

Dick: That's what they want you to think. (Maddox laughs)"


"Dick: I know I'm right! I don't need a computer to tell me I'm right about sandwiches!!

Maddox: Great.

Dick: That's my passion in life, is sandwiches! I eat two every day to help keep me strong!

Maddox: O…okay, Dick."


"Dick: We're having another fucking box argument! (Maddox laughs) A sandwich…

Maddox: You don't know what…do you know what is a sandwich?!

Dick: A sandwich has to have two pieces of bread!

Maddox: No, it doesn't.

Dick: Yes it does!

Maddox: What about a club sandwich!? Three …three pieces of bread, dickhead!!"


"Maddox: Chicks in Athens don't like to wear pants.

Dick: Wh…why?

Maddox: I saw more…more beaver in Athens than I've seen in Colorado."


"Dick: So would you credit your Sonic successes? Would you credit math to your Sonic renders?

Maddox: Oh, 100%, yeah.

Dick: Oh, that's good to know.

Maddox: That's why you should learn math.

Dick: Vote it…up. (they crack up)"


"Dick: Do you…do you not wear underwear?

Maddox: Well…

Dick: I went through a …okay. (laughs) (Maddox cracks up) I'm sure every…you don't need to be coy! Everyone's not…biting their lip, waiting to see if Maddox ACTUALLY wears underwear or not!"


Now available at


(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Financial Ruts to Deez Nuts! (Dick and Sean laugh) With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer…

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Welcome back, guys.

Dick: That's a good one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, wow! We have…made HISTORY in the bonus episode for this week! Maddox read not only one, but TWO apologies.

Maddox: Two apologies. Two apologies, that's right. Uh…one of 'em was totally HORSESHIT!

Dick: Yours.

Maddox: Written by…written by, D…no! One of 'em was written by a New York Times bestselling author.

Dick: Mhmm. (giggles) 'Kay.

Maddox: A very handsome man, of great stature! Big penis!

Dick: That was the other one.

Maddox: Doesn't wear pants, or panties! (Dick laughs)

Dick: I don't know why you would specify 'doesn't wear panties'. (grins)

Maddox: Some people wear panties. (Dick and Sean laugh) Not…not me.

Dick: Chicks! (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, chicks wear…chicks wear panties. (laughs)

Dick: And little girls.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No one was thinking that.

Maddox: No types of pants. No types of pants being worn!

Dick: Or panties. (guffaws)

Maddox: Or panties.

Dick: (cracks up) Okay.

Maddox: One of 'em just a real great guy…and the other one…

Dick: (interjects) Also doesn't wear panties. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: We don't know! We don't know.

Dick: Nobody…(laughing) Let's go through who's on the show who doesn't…does not wear panties! (grins) Randy, you got some panties on today!? Why are we talking about wearing panties?!

Maddox: We have our manager Candy Randy in studio.

Dick: Handy Randy!

Maddox: Handy Randy.

Dick: Handy Randy. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Handy Randy. (laughing) Yeah, Handy Randy, that's good.

Dick: Sean, you got panties on over there?!

Maddox: We don't know.

Dick: Is that some kind of audio engineering trick?

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: Ohh, okay. (Dick and Maddox laugh) That makes sense.

Maddox: Yeah. He…seems like a silk panty kinda guy. (Dick scoffs, giggles) Yeah, so, anyway…two apologies were read because of the apple fiasco last episode…you know, we don't want to give away any spoilers. We don't know…

Dick: I think it's…I think we've passed…yeah. We don't wanna spoil our bonus episode…

Maddox: No.

Dick: Of who won the apple debate, but we will spoil the fuck out of Star Wars.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (they laugh) Right? There's too much at stake with the bonus episode.

Dick: (guffaws) Yeah. That's our 2 dollars!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Your enjoyment of Star Wars, fuck it. I got a lot of hate about Star Wars, too, by the way.

Maddox: Okay. Well, we'll get…

Dick: (interjects) A lot on both sides. A lot on both sides. A lot of people agreed with me.

Maddox: Oh, okay. Good. Well, we'll get to that in just a second, but, uh…first we gotta get to the biggest problem in the universe from last week!

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: Was Filter Bubbles!!!

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Yeah! That's a gr…that's a BIG problem, man. Trumped everything else. And then, followed by Concussions.

Dick: Yeah? Alright.

Maddox: And then Envy and Jealousy. And then Spending Too Much on Christmas Gifts. Everything in the positive territory, but dead last was Spending Too Much on Christmas Gifts.

Dick: Well, that's alright. Envy and Jealousy…I do…I wish you would have split those up, though. Envy and jealousy.

Maddox: Envy and jealousy?

Dick: And I'll tell you why. 'Cause I would like all the sins to be brought in at some point.

Maddox: Ohhhh.

Dick: You know, gluttony. Uh…

Maddox: (interjects) The Seven Deadly Sins?

Dick: Yeah. The ones that make you go to Hell. Gluttony, Sloth…what's…what's..Greed. What's the other one? I'm sure there's another one. Is there?

Maddox: There's…there's, like…

Dick: Maybe there's just six.

Maddox: There's gotta be one…

Sean: Rage.

Dick: Rage?

Maddox: Rage?

Dick: Oho. That's a…(angry) that's a SIN!!!? (they laugh) WHAT?!

Maddox: Yeah. The um…

Dick: (interjects) God does that all the time.

Maddox: When I started doing research about envy, I saw so many different articles talking about jealousy and..and a lot of this comes from the seven deadly sins and ancient texts, uh…like, uh, texts that monks used as guidelines for their lives.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they talked about envy and jealousy in kind of, like, the same type of, uh…same…they're…they're related. They're related problems. That's why I brought them in together.

Sean: Oh, sorry. It's…it's…

Dick: (interjects) They're so different, though.

Sean: It's Wrath, I believe, actually.

Dick: Oh, Wrath.

Maddox: Wrath.

Dick: That's totally different than rage.

Maddox: Wrath is fun, though.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. Well, so…okay, Dick. We got a…a shit ton of voice mail about Star Wars. Let's see the…hear these nerds bitch.

Dick: Ohoho. Okay.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Uhh…yeah. Hey, Dick. Um, the reason Rey, in the film, actually knew how to use a lightsaber…"

Dick: The film.

"Was because she was trained…"

Dick: The film, you guys.

"…that's why when she touches the lightsaber, there's flashbacks to the massacre… (Maddox groans) that Kylo Ren committed…"

Dick: Right?!

"…at the academy. Uh…"

Dick: What?!

"…it definitely wasn't her first time…it was her first time using it in the wild, but um…"

(Maddox makes 'unh, unh' grunts)

"…repeatedly throughout the movie, you saw Han Solo pick up, for the first time, Chewie's bowcaster…"

Maddox: Ugh. (Dick laughs)

"…and he would reference how powerful it was."

Maddox: Shut up.

"…uh, this was actually…"

Dick: Yeah, like six times.

"…a reference to when he…when Chewie actually shot Kylo Ren…"

Maddox: Ugh.

"…it was supposed to, uh…imply that it was a serious injury."

Maddox: This is like nails on a chalkboard to me.

"…also, when, um…"

Dick: Yeah, but Han Solo, like, shot a medicine ball-sized hole in Greedo.

"…Finn, the stormtrooper was fighting Kylo Ren before Rey was in the forest, he also hit him…I think it was twice, in the shoulder. With the saber. So Kylo was…"

Maddox: Sequel apologists. (Dick laughs)

"…not only extremely, extremely wounded, but…the fight was pretty one-sided. I mean, she wasn't kicking his ass or anything. She was backing away slowly, blocking his advances. And he was advancing quickly."

Maddox: Was he hitting on her? (laughs)

"…so, I mean, you may have just been blinded by your usual rage, but…"

Maddox: Hey, gurl.

Dick: Maybe I was blinded by my rage.

"…it's…some points were pretty easy to skip over, but still. Go fuck yourself.")

Dick: If…if you think The Force Awakens was good, that's your side. That guy's on your side.

Maddox: No!

Dick: It wasn't good.

Maddox: Guys, I…I thought the movie was just okay. Six out of ten. And this shit annoys the shit out of me. Shut up! No one cares. I saw this huge fucking article defending Star Wars and how the character's not a Mary Sue, or whatever. B…from this nerd. Saying that, uh…Chewie's lightsaber…er…laser beam crossbow, fucking bullshit.

Dick: Mhmm. Crossbow, yeah. Mhmm.

Maddox: Yeah. It was so powerful.

Dick: So powerful.

Maddox: And he went…he went on for two paragraphs describing how powerful this crossbow was.

Dick: Why?

Maddox: I'll tell you why! As justification for why Rey was able to beat Kylo Ren, because "Oh, he got hit by, essentially, a laser torpedo!" (goofy voice)

Dick: But then…so the justification is that the bad guy was very weak?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like…then why…

Maddox: He was injured.

Dick: Then why am I…then why am I afraid of this at all?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, why take a bad guy and just…like it was, like, in…remember that Rocky remake when Rocky was so old that he fought that young…that new, young, up-and-coming, like, the Rocky…like, I dunno. What is it, 6?

Maddox: Like, 5 or 6. Yeah.

Dick: 5? Yeah. When the guy breaks his hand, like, coming out in the first round. So it's an old-ass 60-year-old Rocky fighting basically a one-armed guy.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, what kind of perverse movie am I watching here?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: An old man fighting a cripple? That…why don't you just…why don't you show me that movie!? Rocky comes out of retirement to fight a trash-talking man with one arm! Which is basically what that fight was.

Maddox: Yeah, what's the…what's that trope called? Is it Deus Ex Machina? Where…where, uh…they have the…the contrived…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, it's not…yeah.

Maddox: No. You know what I'm talking about? Like, the contrived plot element? Like, "oh, well now you can solve this problem because the bad guy's weakened."

Dick: I don't know. Here…here's another guy, uh…who's commenting on me not liking Star Wars.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Uhhh…Dick, go fuck yourself.")

(Maddox laughs)

Dick: I think. I assume that's what he was talking about.

Maddox: Could just be in general.

Dick: Alright. We…is that enough about Star Wars?

Maddox: Ah, yeah. Please. Um…

Dick: I don't care about it anymore.

Maddox: So, Dick. I have a lot of packages. Uh…

Dick: Well, I've got more voice mails if you wanna hear those first.

Maddox: Okay. Let's get..let's get to the voice mails, then we'll get to the packages.

Dick: Okay. Here's one…you remember that prank email we got about the cancer?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: From last week? Well…

Maddox: Last week.

Dick: A couple more pranksters called in.

Maddox: Let's hear these pranksters.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, uh…my name is Wendy. This is how I talk. (Maddox giggles) I just wanted to share with you a very true story…"

Dick: It's not even famous.

"…about, uh…10 years ago, I was diagnosed with butt cancer. (Dick snickers) That's, uh…cancer of the butt."

Dick: Uh-huh.

"And, uh…wasn't doing too good."

Maddox: Asshole!

"Uh…recently, I started listening to your podcast, and uh…my doctors say that my butt cancer… (Maddox sighs) that's cancer of the butt, of course…"

Maddox: This guy's just an asshole!

"…is in remission, so…"

Dick: Yeah. More jokes!

"…you know. Your podcast, uh…cured my cancer. Uh…that's a true story."

Dick: Oh.

"…just wanted to share that with you."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Great. This guy…

"And, uh…hey, Dick. (long pause) Go…(cuts off)")

Dick: Oh, cancer got him! (Maddox laughs) Cancer caught up with him, finally!!

Sean: Fuck that guy!

Maddox: Yeah. What an asshole.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's shitting all over a sincere…I thought that email was sincere last week.

Dick: Ohohoh!! Sucker born every minute! (laughing)

Sean: It was.

Maddox: We had an email. And then this guy just making a mockery of our sincere fan's gesture of saying that she found reprieve in this show while she was going through, uh…cancer therapy.

Dick: Well…

Sean: And he used cancer. He didn't draw a parallel with anything else.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Okay, here's one that I think is…

Maddox: (interjects) Not clever.

Dick: …actually real.

Maddox: Okay.

(Voice mail: male voice, sounds kind of like foreign Julia Child…"Hello?! Is this the Maddox, Dicks Masterson show?"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. (trying not to laugh)

"I just wanted to know that…um…I know you guys get a lot of silly pranks on the show. (someone snorts) But I just wanted to call and thank you guys, 'cause, like, a year ago…when I started listening to the show…I got diagnosed with cancer in my dick…and the doctor said I couldn't jerk off anymore… (Dick and Maddox laugh) and he said he might have to chop my dick off."

Maddox: Idiot!

"But after listening to your show…and laughing, and crying, and jerking off… (Maddox laughs) all my cancer in my cock went into remission."

Dick: Oh, good! (grins) (Maddox laughing)

"So um…I just wanted to thank you guys again for talking about things…"

Maddox: Fucking dickhead!

"And to let you know…(breaks down) how you helped so many people in the world get cancer…"

Dick: Yeah. He's crying! He's overcome…(Maddox laughs)

"So I hope you guys have a ni…(chokes up) a nice day."

Dick: Ugh, man.

"And a happy New Year to the show and stuff."

Dick: Ugh, painful listening to a man cry.

"And thank you Maddox…and thank you Dicks Masters…and thank you Sean… (they giggle) and thank you Mysterious Cocoa Balls…(giggling) Okay…I think that's about it."

Dick: I think the meds are…getting to him at the end here.


Maddox: What a stupid bitch.

Dick: It's beautiful.

Maddox: Listen! If you were going to make a graph and, uh, like, make an Excel spreadsheet in your life, with all the things that you Dick:, and then a little…a time amount, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: A time column.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Some…non-zero amount for that guy is going to be "called into a podcast to tell them about my dick cancer going into remission."

Dick: Yeah. (giggles) Lemme…I'll tell you exactly what the non-zero amount is…uh, a minute and seven seconds. That's how long.

Maddox: So one minute and seven seconds of his life was spent calling in a podcast to talk about his imaginary dick cancer. What a fucking idiot!

Dick: One more imaginary cancer! (Maddox laughs) Nathan Jones. "I'm so glad you can see right through these chumps who want you to read their shortness of breath cancer stories. That gimmick occurred to me and I almost tried it. I was gonna make up some story about how the chemo drugs required six days of hospitalization. In my case, my treatment started Sunday, meaning your show dropped midway through the stay. For me, it was something to look forward to when you have been stuck in the same room for three days." That's illegal. Probably didn't happen. "Though I was motivated enough to make this fake Oncology report with the names of oncologists." He made a…he went all the way through making a fake Oncology report with doctors you could look up with fabricated backgrounds.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh, WHY?!

Dick: "That or I…and I even found a picture with a pelvis removed to match up with the Oncology report." Here's the picture of his cancerous pelvis. Get it? It's an x-ray of a penis. Right?

Maddox: I…I don't see…

Dick: Hilarious guy.

Maddox: …any penis in there. Where's the penis?

Dick: Well, it's x-rayed. You have to use your imagination.

Maddox: Is that what it is?

Dick: That's why it's a prank! Yeah. It's a third…it's like a third beat of a prank, here.

Maddox: But it…it looks like I see some tumors there, guy. You might want to actually get this checked. This is not him, actually, right?

Dick: No, well, this is all this big fake cancer thing he was saying that he was gonna do by making up fake Oncology reports and being in the hospital for six days.

Maddox: But then he did. It's like, "Hey…hey guys, uh…I was gonna shave my head as a prank, uh, and then I shaved my head." And it's like, "Well, so you did it."

Dick: Well, he says he got cancer around the same time as the Biggest Problem came out, so.

Maddox: Is this real?! I don't even know what's real.

Dick: Of course it's not real!! None of this is real!

Maddox: Okay. (scoffs)

Dick: It's all things just people made up to get their names read on the show!!

Maddox: Bunch of assholes.

Dick: Nathan Jones, And making fake x-rays of their wieners!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So we'll look at it. Then he goes, "Hahaha! You guys looked at my dick!"

Maddox: Ah, great. See? I told you at the top of the show! From Financial Ruts to Deez Nuts.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Big problem.

Dick: Well…there you go. What do you got?

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: That's all of my fake cancer stories.

Maddox: Dick…(sighs) I got…a LOT of packages from fans over the Christmas break. HOWEVER! However…(giggles) this is the first, uh…this is our post…it's been post-Christmas now, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: We're in the new year, and I didn't get a call…I usually get a call from my package lady. She called me after the break.

Dick: Well, they're very busy before the holidays.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Well, I go down there, you know…a few days after Christmas.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Thinking I'm gonna get, like, an envelope. You know. A letter. Or something. And there's this PILE of boxes waiting for me. And she goes, "Don't you want your packages?" (Dick laughs) And I said, "Yeah, of course I do, but you usually call me, and you didn't this time, until after!"

Dick: Is that on you?

Maddox: No, I'm gonna blame it on her.

Dick: That's on them?

Maddox: I never check anything, man. I never check anything.

Dick: Oh, okay. Okay.

Maddox: Anyway, so. I have a song. We're gonna open up all these packages. I have a song here…to play during these…

(Christmas piano theme starts)

Maddox: There you go.

Dick: Oh, that's nice.

Maddox: Very appropriate.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Theme-appropriate song.

Dick: Is this royalty-free?

Maddox: (pauses) Yeah.

Dick: Pause. Little bit of a pause there, Randy! (laughing)

Maddox: I didn't know what you were talking about. Um, yeah. The song's fine. Uh…this first package is from Candace. Uh…Candace…I first, uh…she's a fan, actually, from, uh…from Twitch from a long time ago, and she listens to the podcast now. And she sent us a card. On the card is a bunch of, uh…what are these, uh, World of Warcraft characters? I'm not even…

Dick: No, those are just monsters.

Maddox: No, they're…they're actual characters from…oh, it's a Blizzard. Yeah, it's, uh…Blizzard. They're Blizzard characters.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: 'Cause on the back, it also says Blizzard Entertainment. (giggles)

Dick: Cool.

Maddox: The card says, "Happiness is always remembering. Even the naughty can play nice."

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: And then that's the card. And she wrote, "Merry Christmas, assholes! Enjoy the cookies. There's a special gingerbread man for Dick so make sure he gets that."

Dick: Oh! Does it have a little tiny face on it, Candace?!

Maddox: I dunno, Dick! I don't know!!

Dick: Does it have a little gingerbread man face, with a frowny face?!

Maddox: Let's not spoil it!

Dick: Oh, boy. I can't wait for this fucking hilarious joke!

Maddox: She says, "Thanks for the great episodes. XX, Candace. Go fuck yourselves." Let's see…she…we got a…we got a little box here.

Dick: It says "Not Hot Sauce" on the side, as well.

Maddox and Dick: "So open however you'd like."

Maddox: Okay. So, thankfully, it's not a drippy box of hot sauce. (laughs)

Dick: Courtesy of Butt Sanchez and Horsecock.

Maddox: We have…we have in this…we have a bunch of cookies.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: They…they're really well-done cookies!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Look at this thing!

Dick: That would have been really nice and festive to get over the holidays. (grins) (Maddox cracks up) Tell your…tell your Korean, uh…

Maddox: My Korean package lady.

Dick: Yeah, tell, uh…Kim Jong…

Maddox: (interjects) To step it up.

Dick: Kim Jong Incompetent over there…

Maddox: (interjects) Okay, that's…(Sean laughs)

Dick: What?! He's Korean!!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What?!!?

Maddox: Yeah, barely. Alright. We got, uh…all these cookies. We have bo…little boxing gloves? They…they look like mitts, but I'm gonna say they're boxing gloves, right?

Dick: Probably…(background laughter) Uh, yeah. They're boxing gloves. (trying not to laugh)

Maddox: They're boxing gloves. (Dick laughs) Right?! Little boxing gloves? Some Christmas boxing gloves? We got a stocking here. It says there's one for Dick. There's one for…Sean.

Dick: Oh, cool.

Maddox: There's one for me. There's one for Asterios, even!! Boisterous got one!

Dick: Ohhhh.

Maddox: And all these cookies. And we got gingerbread men. Here's…here's one.

Dick: Oh! Is that mine?

Maddox: Nope, I don't think so!

Dick: It looks great. It looks totally normal and fine.

Maddox: I don't think so. Here's another one. Is this one Dick's? Um…no…

Dick: No, it looks fine. That one probably is for me.

Maddox: Oh! There's one here that says Dick on it. Let's see…there's…

Dick: Goddamnit!!!! (Maddox and Sean crack up) Goddamnit!!

Maddox: Teeny, tiny, little face! (laughing)

Dick: Goddamnit!

Maddox: Those are really precious. Really precious eyes you got there, Dick.

Dick: Well, thanks a lot, Candace.

Maddox: Yeah! And then we have, uh…oh, man. You we…you really went all out, Candace. We got a little candy cane in here.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: A Candace cane, huh? No? Okay.

Dick: Well….

Maddox: Anyway. Uh, thank you Candace. Awesome, we'll be eating those, and I'll post pictures on the website. Next package. Came with a letter. This one is from Logan. He says, "To Maddox. Thanks for the years of content. Best Page in the Universe helped me realize from a young age that there is a lot of dumb shit out there, and to watch the fuck out for it."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "The podcast has made Tuesday cool for the first time ever and is probably the only media that makes me actually laugh out loud. For you, I give a T-shirt of the only film you have ever provided a written review for." Let's see. What's the T-shirt he…

Dick: Mad Max.

Maddox: Mad Max? Is it?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No, it's…it's Iron Maiden.

Dick: No, that's the Doof guy on Mad Max.

Maddox: Oh, Dufour.

Dick: The warrior.

Maddox: It's an Iron Maiden parody of the…the…yeah, the Doof guy from ….oh, wow!

Dick: That's pretty cool.

Maddox: It's pretty badass man, thanks! He says, "Fireball whiskey." We got some Fireball in there. "… And a kickass comic with ridiculous art and a Polaroid from the Dogma Continuity books, used while filming of George Carlin dressed as a cardinal and covered in blood. "

Dick: Oh, wait, what? (giggles)

Maddox: I don't…I have no idea what that is. "I figured you might be a fan of his. Long live the Best Page and Biggest Problem in the Universe. Logan."

Dick: You got some airport bottles of whiskey.

Maddox: Wow, got a couple bottles of w…dude, I'll put this in my coffee. Are you kidding me?

Dick: And you got a…(Maddox belches) Is that the George Carlin blood thing?

Maddox: Oh, my g…this is the goriest fucking thing I've ever s…look at this. Look at the cover of this thing.

Dick: It's pretty cool.

Maddox: Yeah! It's this giant demon holding…what is he holding? Something in a headlock, and there's, like, nipples on the cover. I have no idea what I'm looking at. This is amazing.

Dick: Uh, this is what he wrote me. "To Dick. Here are some gifts for the American man who just wants the essentials." That's true."Clothing, booze, a lady, and small government. (Maddox laughs) A badass shirt, and a patch with very clear messages about which side of the line you stand on." Is that…what is this? Oh…(laughs) A patch that says "Don't Tread on Me" with a snake on it. You guys…and a shirt that says, "I'll keep my guns, money, and freedom. You can keep the Change." (Maddox laughs) Yes, that's right. That's a reference to Obama.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: For those of you who didn't catch the subtlety of this T-shirt with an Amer…with a bald eagle on it.

Maddox: Yeah. Very…yeah.

Dick: I'll wear the shit out of that.

Maddox: Very libertari…very small government.

Dick: Uh…"Real whiskey, a handy portable magnifying glass to find your preferred size of government." I'm gonna need a bigger magnifying glass than this to find my preferred size of government.

(Sound clip: Rand Paul: "I want a government so small you can barely see it.")

Dick: Yep, or…ugh. "…Or your face while you're shaving." Fuck you.

Sean: Oh, God. (in the background) (Maddox laughs)

Dick: "Also, a genuine Polaroid photo of Selma Hayek in her prime." Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maddox: Whoa, that's a real?

Dick: Whoa. That's a real…

Maddox: That's a real Polaroid?

Dick: …Polaroid of Selma Hayek. Looking at the camera.

Maddox: Wow! What a hottie.

Dick: Like she…wants you.

Maddox: And she's got one of those, uh…Indian, um…dots on her head.

Dick: Uh, alright.

Maddox: Or is that part of the…the photo? I can't tell.

Dick: Uh…I don't…I don't care. I'll take it.

Maddox: Yeah. It's hot!

Dick: Looks like she isn't…wow, that's great!

Maddox: Where's my Polaroid?! Is there…

Dick: (interjects) Polaroids are…I know…this is a good thing about Polaroids. I know that no one else has this picture.

Maddox: Yeah. That's authentic.

Dick: Wow!

Maddox: (interjects) And it says…

Dick: (interjects) And…and Polaroid's gone!

Maddox: And it says the number '32' underneath it. No, you can still get Polaroid, but it's expensive.

Dick: Oh, that's cool! Um…"looking longingly into your eyes, to use however you please."

Maddox: Mmmmm, masturbate.

Dick: Dot, dot, dot.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: "Merry Dicksmas. Logan."

Maddox: I think that implies masturbation.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I…I have here…look at this…I'm looking at this art book that he sent me.

Dick: Well, thanks Logan.

Maddox: It's fucking amazing. This artwork is so crazy and detailed. This…there's a picture in here of a…of a (giggles) knight in shining armor, with his horse motorboating a girl with her boobs out, and the horse is cumming all over the floor. (laughs)

Dick: Oh, it is!! (groaning in the background)

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: Kind of a small, shrivelly horse dick, though.

Maddox: It's hilarious.

Dick: I don't like that.

Maddox: And then…and then there's another…(giggles) there's another one in here, with a guy…(cracks up)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: A guy who has a giant boner…

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: With a girl who's, like, literally impaled on it, and it says "Guh guh guh guhhhhh." (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. (chuckles) She's dead. It's coming out of her mouth. And he's also spearing his own asshole with some kind of a baton!

Maddox: Oh, my g…this artwork is INSANE! It's…

Dick: It's disgusting.

Maddox: It looks like it's all done with…with marker.

Dick: Uh, no bullshit, I'm gonna put this "Don't Tread on Me" patch on my AR-15, uh…case.

Maddox: Hah. (scoffs) Great.

Dick: I've got one other patch on that from the American Laser…that laser shooty-down plane. The Boeing YAL…YAL-1.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm sure. I…I got the…oh, wow. I got the Polaroid of George Carlin. He's…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, that's the one you were talking about.

Maddox: Yeah. He's covered in…like, it looks like blood shot? What…what…what…

(background: "That's from Dogma.")

Dick: That's from Dogma.

Maddox: Dogma? Oh, I never saw Dogma. That's the, uh…the Clerk movie…the…what's his name? Kevin Smith movie?

Dick: Kevin Smith, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah. He introduces the "Buddy Christ". You know what that is?

Maddox: Oh, that's right.

Dick: Yeah, it's awesome.

Maddox: Yeah. That's where that comes from.

Sean: To hip Jesus up a little bit. (they all talk over each other)

Dick: Alright, Sean. Read your letter.

Sean: Alright.

Dick: From Logan.

Sean: "To Sean. Didn't really know what to give you, so here's my prized Tommy LaSorda mint in box garden gnome." (Dick guffaws) No, that's cool. "Tommy LaSorda being the Dodgers manager back when they were actually winning World Series'." This is actually fuckin' cool. Uh… "Pretty great, right? Also, a music notation book for your masterpiece. Thanks for all your wiseass remarks, one-liners, and shitting on Dick and Maddox. Oh, and for all the sound engineering stuff, too."

Dick: Oh, man. Music book? This is, like, the worst gift you could ever give Sean. (background laughter) He's…he'll kill himself before he finishes completing this music book. (Maddox laughs)

Sean: "Please bring a problem in; Don't Put The Problems On A Pedestal. All the fans want it so bad." (they laugh) (Maddox clapping)

Maddox: Yeah, we're bringing that problem in…(stammers) next week.

Dick: Putting the problem on a pedestal? (grins)

Maddox: Problems on a Pedestal.

Sean: You already did. Well, it was, like, perfectionism.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: No, I will.

Dick: You have to…why don't you bring in a problem in, like, the 100th episode or something?

Sean: That might happen. Logan, thanks a lot, man. This is really cool.

Maddox: And…and you have some whiskey here. We got some Jameson? Or is that for Dick?

Dick: No, that's for me.

Maddox: Oh, okay, Dick. You got some Jameson.

Dick: All…all the whiskey's for me.

Maddox: Guys, uh…for the record, I appreciate Jameson too. Just saying. (Dick chuckles) Jameson is a delicious whis…it's my favorite whiskey.

Dick: But do you need it to live?

Maddox: Look…

Dick: (interjects) That's what the real question is. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Look, I like Fireball. Yeah. Uh, okay. And what else do we have here? We have a…a letter This is from…is there a name on this, Randy? It just looks like a…oh, is this…(crumples) Oh, okay. This is the next package. Here. We have here…it says it's from a fan. "Maddox, thank you for doing your show. I love listening to you and Dick talk about different topics, even if I don't always agree with them. You two bring a realism to entertainment that the world desperately needs, and your show is one of the very few things I have to look forward to every week. So once again, thank you both and Sean for doing such a great job. Keep up the good work."

Dick: And curing all this cancer, too.

Maddox: Apparently. "There are two sets of packages inside. Please give Dick his as soon as you can. One of his may be a good source of inspiration for him. I don't know if you're opening presents on the show again, but if this makes it in time, I thought it would be cool to hear you opening these on the podcast. Not sure how you guys are doing that, but I intend for these to get to you before you record it Friday the 18th. (Dick laughs) There's a package in there…"

Dick: Well, you…YOU succeeded. What is that guy's name? (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: It just says "a fan"

Dick: Yeah. Well, an act of God.

Maddox: And act of God.

Dick: Got in the way.

Maddox: He did send it to us before Friday the 18th, and I have a package here that says "Open First" on it.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: It's a green…it looks like a canister of some type.

Dick: Mhmm. (crumpling in the background) What if it's just, like, a Zyklon B canister. (Maddox cracks up) This show would get real…real heavy…(laughing) real…it's a commemorative Zyklon…(giggles)

Maddox: Okay. It says here, "Super high protein powder.." (laughs)

Dick: Good, good, good, good, good.

Maddox: There you go. 24 grams of protein.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It's got a cyclist on it, 'cause cyclists need a lot of protein, Dick. (Dick giggles)

Dick: What are you giving it to me for?

Maddox: I think that's yours.

Dick: No, that's…(background chatter)

Maddox: Oh, he got a bunch of…okay. Cool! Give it here. Cyclists. It must…(stammers) msut be my…oh, what does it say? For you…for your next leg day. It must be you, Dick. What? (background giggle) Oh, 3.99…there's a manager sp…he left a price on it. It says Manager Special $3.99.

Dick: What a cheap asshole.

Maddox: Thanks!!! (laughs) For your clearance protein!!! (laughing)

Dick: So there's…what? There's no…there's no, um…whose is whose? Are those all…are those all Maddox's? (background chatter) Oh, okay.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Go..go ahead. Open all your presents.

Maddox: Here, here. This one says "Open Second".

Dick: Wow. (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Real…uh…real strict present opening, this guy.

Maddox: Well, he…planned ahead.

Dick: Or this fan, who knows. It could be a man or a woman.

Maddox: Yeah, could be…well, judging on this…based on this wrapper, maybe a wom…okay, here we go.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: It's…it's a condom…sex toy condom. Sex Toys Try Me Buy Me. It's how to hit the spot. And it looks like a dil…it's a dil…it's a pink dildo.

Dick: It's a dildo? It's got a note on the side.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. Let's see. The note here says…

Dick: It better not be for me.

Maddox: "Next time, just use this to literally fuck yourself." (giggles) "If you ever want to talk about Libertarian theory again rather than wait for votes." (background laughter and Dick laughing) Fuck you!! You know what, fuck you!!! (Dick laughs) This is bullshit! This is the shittiest Christmas gift I've ever gotten! Christmas is RUINED!!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright…

Dick: And it's a condom.

Maddox: Third…third gift. Open third, it says. (crumpling) See, another hilarious gag joke you got…you sent me. More dildos to fuck myself with. (crumpling) (Dick giggles) Yeah. There's a price tag on this one, too.

Dick: Yeah, you know, you should leave the price tag…

Maddox: (interjects) It's a high…it's a high-vacuum penis pump. (Dick guffaws, background laughter)

Dick: I guarantee you will use that thing.

Maddox: Free cock ring included. (laughing) (Dick cracks up) Yeah, so what if I will? I'll use it right now!!

Dick: Oh, well. (giggles) Please wait.

Maddox: It says here…there's a note on the side. It says, "Try using this next time before you bring another limp-dick problem on the show like Monkeys, Expensive Steaks, or Fries."

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: You know what?! This is not a gift!!

Dick: Fries was shit.

Maddox: These are not gifts! (yells)

Dick: Yeah, they're n…(background laughter)

Maddox: They're pranks!

Dick: I don't wanna open mine, now. Can I just send mine back? (laughs) In a big Fuck You box?

Maddox: Yeah. Return to Sender!!!

Dick: "Dick, open these whenever you want. They're your property now, so you can do whatever the fuck you want with them. I am remaining anonymous at the moment, but I have left a secret clue in here that only the sender could know about, and I will reveal myself in the…" What is this, the fucking Riddler? (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: "I will reveal myself when the time is right." (giggles) (Maddox still laughing)

Maddox: When the time is…who are you, Bane!? (Dick laughs)

Dick: When will the time be right!? Open First. He is like the Riddler! This is…and it's not even…he didn't even write "Open First", he, like, printed it out.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm surprised he didn't go magazine letter postings like a ransom note.

Maddox: I know. Creepy. "IF YOU CARE ABOUT GOTHAM…" (Trying to do a Bane voice, sounds more like Yoda)

Dick: "You'll open this first". "YOU'LL OPEN THIS COCK PUMP FIRST, BATMAN!" This is, uh…The Raid: Redemption on Blu-Ray.

Maddox: Oh, man!! I LOVE THAT MOVIE!

Dick: Wow, that's a great present! (grins)

Maddox: Why didn't you send that to me, dickhead?! (Dick cracks up)

Dick: I haven't seen this, either.

Maddox: Man, fuck this guy!!! This is the shit…

Dick: And I love Dredd…

Maddox: This is the shitt…

Dick: (interjects) So I will love this!

Maddox: No, that's way better than Dredd. Dredd's a ripoff of that movie.

Dick: Awww, you better…

Maddox: You know what? Fuck you, man!!

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Dick: …watch what you're saying.

Maddox: Fuck you for sending Dick…I get dildos and Dick gets one of the best movies ever made. (Dick cackles)

Dick: That's the free market in action.

Sean: Dick in…

Maddox: Fuck you! (scoffs)

Sean: Dick didn't bring in Libertarianism as a problem.

Dick: Yeah. You pissed off Libertarians, Maddox.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: What, a second one. Oh wow, another cool…oh, the Raid 2!

Maddox: Oh, man!! I haven't even seen the Raid 2!! (background laughter)

Dick: Wow. It's…it's even better.

Maddox: This is bullshit!! Dick, did you send this!? Did you send this to yourself!?

Dick: (laughs) No!!!

Maddox: Are you fucking with me?!!

Dick: I'm…look, if the time was right, I would reveal myself that I did, but I didn't. (grins) I wrap presents much better than this. (crumpling) Open third. Alright.

Maddox: This has gotta be a girl. This…this is a girl who sent these in, 'cause these presents are very delicate. (crumpling)

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: Oh, there's a hat in there.

Dick: Alright. A "Obama's Last Day Countdown" hat! 01/20/17!!! It says "Obama's Last Day" on it! (laughing)

Maddox: Oh, great.

Dick: (cackles) Ohhhh, yeah!!

Maddox: Awesome. You can wear that on your tractor when you go fuck yourself with it.

Dick: Coool…(cracks up) Cool, man!!

Maddox: Cool.

Dick: Cooooool.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: Yeah, I'm gonna count down!!

Maddox: Rad. You should…you should wear that hat while you take your Centrum.

Dick: (giggles) What?!

Maddox: It just s…it's, like, such an…such a, like, old dad type thing, you know? Like…like real staunch, old…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: GOP guy. Would be wearing that kind of hat. Stupid.

Dick: Yeah. I think it's cool.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. Here's…last…is this the last present for me? (crumpling)

Maddox: (sighs) We got a T-shirt.

Dick: This is a T-shirt that says "Feminism: The Radical Notion That Women Are People" Lot of truth to that.

Maddox: You know what? (Dick giggles) I think that, uh…

Dick: Oh, is this…this fell out of that? Oh, okay. This is, um… "Dick, when I saw this shirt on Facebook, the first thing that came up in the article was about how some broad was offended." Alright. (giggles) "So I clicked the link and began laughing hysterically at the sight of the shirt, instantly thinking, "Man, I gotta get one of these." However, after reading the article below the picture, I discovered that this is not a joke shirt and is, in fact, a sincere feminism T-shirt."

Maddox: Yeah. That's what I thought. It's a sincere feminism T-shirt.

Dick: People wear this for real?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh. The reason…

Maddox: It's…it's being sarcastic.

Dick: The reason…oh. I se…I get it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. They're…now I get it. The reason…(Maddox and Dick giggles ) "The reason the woman was offended can be found in the article I have included in the package. I am curious to know if you had the same guttural response when you first saw the T-shirt that I did. If I'm missing something here, to me it seems like another clear-cut case of women not knowing what they're doing and being confused." Oh my goodness. Wow.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: (giggles) Well, I love it.

Maddox: Ugh. (sighs)

Dick: Thank you, mysterious Riddler.

Maddox: Thank you for taking time away from your MRA meeting to, uh…(Dick laughs) to send us these packages. Idiot.

Dick: Secret gift. Oh, you're just…why don't you use that cock pump and then see how you feel?

Maddox: I will. To fuck his mom! (Dick cracks up)

Dick: Secret gift. Ron Paul 2008. (Maddox giggles) It's a button, Ron Paul 2008.

Maddox: Great. You know there are libertarians running, too, Dick.

Dick: What, for…

Maddox: In this election. Not Trump.

Dick: Is Gary Henderson running again?

Maddox: No! Rand Paul.

Dick: Oh, yeah, but he's not running as a libertarian anymore.

Maddox: Yeah, he is.

Dick: No, he's running as a Republican, bro.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: And I don't think he's running anymore.

Maddox: Alright. I got another package here…

Dick: (interjects) And he's not…he's not nearly as big of a libertarian as his dad was.

Maddox: Yeah. He's, uh…he's a real tiny libertarian. All of 'em are. (Maddox and Dick laugh) I got a package here from…uh, this was just sent from Amazon. It is…it's just for me, it looks like. (crumpling) It's…let's see here. Oh, there's a note inside. It's…there's a Chris…it's Chris Rodrigue. It says, "Hey Maddox. This is the first volume. Hope you enjoy it. From Chris." And it's the…Illustrated…the graphic novel Transmetropolitan. You know, I've heard a lot…a lot of people have recommended this to me. They say that, uh…the main character in this, uh, graphic novel is very similar to me.

Dick: Oh yeah?

Maddox: He's kind of, like…yeah. He's kinda misanthropic.

Dick: He like soup a lot?

Maddox: Hmm?

Dick: He likes soup? Soup and sand?

Maddox: He looks real cool.

Dick: Two S's.

Maddox: I don't like sand, idiot.

Dick: He does look cool.

Maddox: He does look like he likes soup a lot, though. Thank you, Chris! I'll give it a shot! Awesome.

Dick: Cool.

Maddox: Is that…is that it…Handy Randy, do we have any more packages? That's it? Alright.

Dick: That's it?

Maddox: Guys, thank you so much.

Dick: Thanks.

Maddox: Thank you, uh, Candace, for the cookies. Thank you Logan. Thank you to the anon….no, go fuck yourself to the anonymous fan.

Dick: No, thank you very much to the anonymous guy.

Maddox: Eat shit!

Dick: When the…I hope the time is right is soon, but not too soon.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: For you to reveal yourself.

Maddox: The nerdy Bane of fans. I bet it's you, Dick. You send yourself a lot of shit.

Dick: It's not me!! (giggles)

Maddox: I bet it's Butt Sanchez up to his shenanigans again.

Dick: I don't buy…Blu-Rays. I pirate everything! I wouldn't even do it for a joke!

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Alright. You got a problem, Dick?

Dick: Yeah, sure. So I was gonna bring in…I was gonna bring in, uh, cold and flu deniers. You know, those people who…they get sick, they're obviously sick, and you say, "What, are you sick over there? You coming down with something?" They'll say "No. No, I'm not. It's…just today."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "It's allergies."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because it's so fucking annoying. And then they expose you. Then they act like someone who's not infected.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Then you're like, "Well, uh, what am I, gonna have a big argument with this asshole?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "About that he's obviously sick? Like, why…what do you mean, you're not sick? You're obviously sick." You're…

Maddox: (interjects) You know what…you know what it is, Dick? It's the exact same phenomenon when you call someone and wake them up, and you say, "Hey, did I wake you?" they go "Oh, no, no, no, no! I've been awake for hours!"

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: "I've been awake for days!" I've never slept in my life!" (Dick laughs) "I'm always awake!" (they crack up)

Dick: How…how dare you think that you caught me at 3 in the morning sleeping?!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)

Dick: What are you suggesting?!

Maddox: No, no. Of course not. I'm not sleeping. (Dick laughs) It's the same people!

Dick: Which is everyone.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But I think we…I think we all do this.

Sean: Yeah, but they're saying that so YOU don't feel bad.

Maddox: I know. But the…but you know they're lying.

Dick: Oh, is that…is that why, though?

Maddox: Yes.

Sean: Yes.

Dick: Because…no, because…

Sean: (interjects) They don't want you to feel like an asshole because you did wake them up.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Well, I'm not gonna say that's for everyone, but when people call ME and I pretend like I…'cause it's the same thing about pretending I'm not drunk. Like, if someone is like, "Are you drunk?" I'm like…(pauses) "No." (background giggle) "What do you mean?" (Maddox scoffs) "Of course not. What, do you want me to do some math for you?"

Maddox: No, but that's…that's…

Dick: (interjects) Go and walk a line for you? It's like…it's the same feeling. I just don't wanna get caught doing something.

Maddox: I think that's a little bit different, not being drunk. 'Cause it's also 'cause people think you're being an asshole when they ask you if you're drunk. Uh…'cause they're…

Dick: Uh, really?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think that's a little presumptuous of you.

Maddox: Yeah, no, it's not. (Dick cackles) It's exactly that's the reason. But Sean…that's absolutely right. And you know what? It's incon…it's kind of inconsiderate to ask if you just woke someone up, because you don't wanna hear the answer. They don't wanna tell you the answer. You're just trying to…hear what you…you're trying to hear that bullshit excuse that they weren't sleeping. So then they…so then they feel good about themselves, like, oh, okay, it's okay, because…

Dick: (interjects) No! I feel like I got them on s…like, if I call somebody and they sound sleepy, I'm like, "Aha!!" I got you, you son of a bitch!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Were you sleeping?" They…and they know I think I got them. That's why they lie their way out of it.

Maddox: Well, I stopped lying and I started telling people. I was like, "Yeah, I was lying down." And then it gets really awkward on the other end, they're like (stammers) "Oh, uh, do you want me to call you back?" I'm like, "Obviously not, shithead. I'm already awake. What difference does it make? Also, don't ask! You know I was, my voice sounds croaky as shit!!! Anyway.

Dick: I do…I do the pretending like I'm asleep, in case I wanna get off the call.

Maddox: Oh, that's smart, yeah.

Dick: Sometimes, like, I'll pick up the phone and be, like, (sleepy) "Hey." And they'll be like, "Oh, my God, were you sleeping?" And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was sleeping." But if it's somebody I wanna talk to, I'll be like (sleepy) "Hello?" "Oh, sorry, were you sleeping?" "No, no. I'm fine. I just answered the phone like that in case…you know."

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Just to, like, get you off my back for a little bit.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: 'Cause I don't want a voice mail or anything like that. Alright, anyway.

Maddox: Good problem. Good problem, Dick. (they crack up)

Dick: So then I looked into it! And this…this phenomenon of people being sick and going to work is a HUGE fucking problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's called presenteeism.

Maddox: Mmmm.

Dick: I didn't know that. Presenteeism is…is…listen to this. "It's said to cost US companies nearly 180 billion dollars every year in lost productivity." 'Cause people go to work sick, saying that they're not, 'cause they don't wanna get caught being sick because then they have to admit that they're human.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Which is what I think the reason is.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right? They don't have to admit a weakness. Like, "No, no, no, no. I'm fine." "I'm like a person on TV. I never get sick!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't get sick by…by magic. What do you…what do you mean…what even is sick? Germs? What is that? That probably doesn't ex…they go to work. They get sick. They can't function. They get everybody else sick and fuck up everyone's day because of it.

Maddox: Right. I…I looked into this, actually, Dick, and…it is a…it is a huge problem because it turns out that the productivity declines because people aren't able to keep their eyes open, or concentrate, or focus on anything. Uh, it's something like 80% of the people…er, they're 80% less efficient? I read this somewhere.

Dick: I read that they're…60…they're working at 60%.

Maddox: Yeah. 60% capacity. And…they're not getting as much work done. Plus…

Dick: (interjects) And it's self-reported. So, I call bullshit already.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because…I think a normal person every day is working at about 60%.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: At their 100%.

Maddox: Man, ugh.

Dick: Lot of percents flying around.

Maddox: I…yeah. I wish I could relate to this problem. I've never been sick. (Dick cackles maniacally)

Dick: Bop you right in your face! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Never been sick in my life. Never had a sniffle.

Dick: Yeah. No?

Maddox: Never. Not a cough. Nothing.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: So, yeah. I just can't relate to this at all.

Dick: I've…I've been sick for most of this week.

Maddox: Yeah? What…what…what'dyou have?

Dick: I had, uh…(stammers) it's gross. I had the bug where you been…you throw up for 12 hours and, like, your stomach hurts afterwards, like, for days.

Maddox: Ahhh.

Dick: Like you feel like you've been doing…

Maddox: Leg day. (giggles)

Dick: No. Cardio bar. No…(giggles) Pilates. Really intense leg day with your stomach.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: Okay. Uh, presenteeism is what it's called. Exceeds the cost of medical and disability benefits at that scale. 180 billion dollars. Which many employers don't recognize as having a negative financial impact on their business. And how do you stop it? Right? Like, shouldn't everybody know, "Don't go to work when you're sick"?

Maddox: Here's how you stop it, Dick. You stop being an asshole as a boss. You stop making people feel like they're beholden to you for every fucking thing. They have to come in to work. They're…you need to start encouraging people to take time off when they're feeling sick. You stop…you stop being so skeptical and cynical.

Dick: So you blame the boss?

Maddox: Absolutely. 'Cause I've been sick…(stammers) almost, uh…(stammers)

Dick: (interjects) Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: You've been sick!? Or not?!

Maddox: Ah. Lemme finish this. Lemme finish this.

Dick: Leeeeet's not be flip-flopping.

Maddox: I've been sick and tired of these excuses that people give. (Dick cracks up)

Dick: You fucking idiot. (they all crack up)

Maddox: But, uh…I have known coworkers. Okay? A friend of mine…

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: …was sick one time. (cracks up)

Dick: He really…(laughing) He really likes soup.

Maddox: On a Friday. (laughing)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, soup makes you feel better. Look, a friend of mine was sick on a Friday one time.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And was reluctant to call in sick to work because he knew his fucking asshole boss was gonna be skeptical and think that he was just trying to get an extended weekend.

Dick: Ah, see, that's paranoia, though.

Maddox: So he came in to work. Hmm?

Dick: That's paranoia.

Maddox: It's not paranoia.

Dick: That's a weird paranoia.

Maddox: Because every time…every time someone did call in sick to my work at my last job? Everyone…(stammers) it was on a Friday. Everyone would stand around, like, "Hey, where's so and so?"

Dick: Where's Maddox?

Maddox: Oh, oh he's…(laughs)

Dick: I mean, "Where's Maddox's friend?" (Maddox laughs) Maybe you would say, "Hey where's my friend, that guy I'm talking about right now?" (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah! (laughing) That's what I'm saying. (they crack up)

Dick: That's what I would say. (Maddox keeps laughing)

Maddox: No, dickhead!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This is a friend of mi….a good friend of mine would call in sick on Friday.

Dick: No, I understand, I understand.

Maddox: And we'd all be standing around saying, "Hey, where's so-and-so?" and someone would say, "Oh, they got an extended weekend. They called in sick." Everyone just immediately assumes if you call in sick, you just wanted a day off. And by the way, guys, what's the big fucking deal if you're sick OR you have a day off?! As long as you have a few extra sick days at the end of the year in case you actually need them! Fuck off, man!

Dick: Well, they combine them anyway! Sick days and personal time off days are like one big lump sum!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: A lot of the time now.

Maddox: Yeah. Although…although…

Dick: So…

Maddox: Some places are dickheads about it, so if you have two weeks of vacation and a week of sick time, they won't let you take your vacation and your sick time together. They…it's just these little rules.

Dick: What, consecutively?

Maddox: Yeah. They just…

Dick: (interjects) Where is that?

Maddox: A LOT of places are like this.

Dick: That would be very weird.

Maddox: No, s…see, if you happen to take a vacation, and you become sick on that vacation, which I, again, have no idea what it's like. But if you do…

Dick: (scoffs) Yeah. It's rough, Maddox. I'll tell you that.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) And at the end of your vacation, you come home…and you realize, "Oh, shit, I'm sick. I have the sniffles." Or, like, whatever that feels like. I don't know what are the symptoms are of..of a sick. But if you have those symptoms and you actually do have to take time off from work…then people will be skeptical. They'll think, "Oh, he's just trying to get an extra week of vacation." Just stop being assholes!

Dick: Okay. Well, lemme…lemme tell you what the survey says, uh. For this, uh…presenteeism.

Maddox: Presenteeism, yeah.

Dick: So…the fear…the fear of falling behind at their work and missing deadlines, according to this study, this NSF study, was reported by 42% of Americans who come to work sick.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what they…that's what they're afraid of. Falling behind on their stupid work. Is what…so they're coming to work and basically working a half-day, being miserable, and FOR SURE infecting everyone else.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, this is…this is what the viruses want you to do. Right?

Maddox: Yep!

Dick: Go to…I'm gonna stay home! And the virus'll go "No, don't do that!" (high-pitched Elmo-like voice) Go to work!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And spread it to as many people as possible.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: They're hurting you! They're…that's as…that's as selfish as it gets! They're for sure infecting you with the misery that they have!! That's what the human condition is, to me!

Maddox: Yeah. You know…

Dick: (interjects) Go ahead. It's like what?

Maddox: Most people get sick around the holidays, because it gets a little bit colder outside. Your immune system has to work harder. Your…

Dick: And you're around people.

Maddox: You're around more people.

Dick: It's colder, it gets you together.

Maddox: Right? It gets you together. Mandatory holiday shifts contribute to that, guys! Vote up mandatory holiday shifts! That's essentially what this is!

Dick: Oho. Don't…don't do that.

Maddox: Yeah. That's…that's exactly what this is.

Dick: Vote them down.

Maddox: Bunch of dickheads forcing you to come work when you don't feel like it. You know, Dick? For the first four years of my job, my last job.

Dick: Telemarketing job?

Maddox: Yeah. At the telemarketing company? The first four years…

Dick: (interjects) I wish we had music to play when you tell telemarketing…like an office…like an office call center?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Tsshh…king-ching. Hello, hi. How can I help? Er, it would be an Indian, I guess. Like "Oh, hello. How can I help you?" (terrible Punjabi accent) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: We'll work on that. But, uh…for the first four years I worked there, I didn't take a single day off. Not a single day.

Dick: Why!?

Maddox: Uh…just w…

Dick: (interjects) Didn't you have any sick days?

Maddox: Just worked through. No, I didn't…first of all, I didn't need 'em.

Dick: You didn't have any vacation days?

Maddox: I did…I did have vacation days, but I just…it was also one of those things, like I said, if you took any time off, people would think that you were lazy and they would look down on you and they would judge you, and…it was one of those things where, um…yeah. It was…it was a work environment that was almost like a Gestapo. Like, you…(giggles) you didn't…you didn't feel like you were…

Dick: (interjects) It really sounds very close to the Gestapo.

Maddox: Oh, you had to see it, buddy.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles) Voluntarily coming to work sick. Go…go ahead, sorry. Go ahead.

Maddox: No, the…the grey walls in this facility.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Uh…the, uh…(giggles) it was not…it was not the best work environment. I'll say that. Yeah!

Dick: And you would go to work sick because everyone was…

Maddox: I've never been sick, but, uh…

Dick: …judgmental.

Maddox: I never took time off for, like, vacation or anything like that. But they never paid us, either.

Dick: Well, then, this was a…I don't know. This wasn't a job.

Maddox: Gestapo.

Dick: Yeah. This was a…some kind of Soviet gulag or prison camp.

Maddox: Soviet gulag, yeah.

Sean: Where they kick in your door and drag you out of bed sick.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Just to come to work.

Maddox: I remember…actually, when I eventually did go on vacation after my first FOUR years working there? I had to…log in remotely through, like, with every…(stammers) every country I went to, I had to log in remotely and still do work remotely. I was always on call.

Dick: (stammers) See, I wish they would teach kids how to respect themselves. When it comes to work.

Maddox: Yeah. How so?

Dick: Like this…this mental…this mentality you have that you're applying to work here, like, you're not taking vacation days and not taking sick days? Like somebody's gotta tell you, "Hey, this is your life. Don't do that."

Sean: You know what? I think you hit on something. And I think this mindset starts when you're a kid in school.

Dick: Oh, it's got to! Right?

Sean: Because, yeah. If you miss a day, you're under so much pressure from the teachers and your parents to, "Oh, you gotta make up that work you missed yesterday!" And then you get that day's assignment.

Dick: Yeah!

Sean: I always remember that. I…maybe it's just me, but I think they kind of pound that into you as a kid and it carries over like "You have to be there, so you don't miss something", or not be able to get behind in your work.

Dick: Yeah, I remember that too, like, feeling not so great, and having to…argue with my mom that I was too sick to go to school.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, she sent me…I remember very…very clearly. I think I was in sixth…fifth or sixth grade, and I was like, "Hey mom, I'm not feeling great. I don't wanna go to school." And she's like, "Well, no. You gotta go. You gotta go to school." You know. School. You can't miss anything. You can't…they're gonna teach you how to spell pineapple today.

Maddox: Yeah…

Dick: You gotta…you gotta be there for that. You gotta be there for all these great insights that they're gonna have about, um, Maniac McGee.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In reading.

Maddox: Yeah, that's important, Dick.

Dick: Your whole fucking life's gonna be ruined if you miss that! So, it's like…

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)

Dick: Well, I don't know…I don't have the…I can't stand here and filibuster you all day, mom, I don't have the resources to do that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're the one with the car. I'm just a kid. So she dropped me off. I walked about 10 steps and threw up all over the place.

Maddox: Ha-ha!!

Dick: And I remember turning around and seeing her lights as she just drove away! (Maddox cackles) It's like, "Well what the fuck?!" so I had to go sit for most of the day in the nurse's office, 'cause I was obviously sick. But you're totally right, Sean! Like the…(stammers) why was it so important that I go and not miss out on that day when I was obviously not feeling great/

Maddox: 'Cause maybe that…

Dick: (interjects) That's a sick mentality!

Maddox: No! 'Cause maybe that day, Dick, they were teaching you indefinite articles!

Dick: They cover it…they cover it every year! (Maddox laughs) That's how school works! They cover the same shit every year! I get what you're saying.

Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)

Dick: I get the joke. I get…I get what you're saying.

Maddox: No, man, um…

Dick: I get "a joke".

Maddox: Here's…here's the thing. You can call in sick when you're a worker bee. With my…with my job, I had such a unique position. I was…I was wearing a lot of different hats and NOBODY in the company knew what I was doing or was capable of replicating it. I was literally the only person.

Dick: Your ego! That's how they got you.

Maddox: No, it's, uh…I mean, my ego exists regardless.

Dick: Yeah, but it doesn't matter…even if you do all these things, it's of benefit to them, not to you that you gotta show up like that.

Maddox: Well yeah, of course. Yeah. I was, uh…I had all the job security in the world because I did so many things for the company and nobody really knew what I was doing. Nobody knew how to replicate it and step in. So there was like…there was nobody who could step into my shoes other than possibly my boss, who still didn't fully…uh…he didn't fully understand the technology I was using. He wasn't familiar with it.

Dick: Good.

Maddox: He was working in a different skill set than I was.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh…he was a really sharp guy, but totally different skill set. That's why…if you're a worker bee, you can call in sick, but if there's no one to…to fill in, it's like who does Obama call in for a sick day, uh…Biden? Okay.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, his whole cabinet.

Maddox: Ehh…

Dick: He's…if I don't want the President making decisions when he's in the pitch of fever hallucinations.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I would like Obama to call in sick. You know.

Maddox: All I'm saying is if your job is…so unique that no one can replace it and no one can fill in for you, you kind of have to do the job no matter what.

Dick: No! This is how they get you, though. They get your ego like that, by telling you you're irreplaceable, that you gotta show up…anyway. A survey by Staples found that 90% of office workers went to work sick in 2012. Man, that's horrible.

Maddox: That's a lot.

Dick: That's horrible.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's really gotta be changed. Okay, here's where it gets bad. Uh…in medicine. During one year, 80% of physicians went to work sick. With an illness they would've sick listed one of their own patients for.

Maddox: Physicians?

Dick: Yeah, physicians.

Maddox: You know what?

Dick: Who all have direct contact with people!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's, like, a virus's wet dream, right?

Maddox: I don't…I don't agree with that. However…

Dick: With that stat?

Maddox: No, no. I believe the stat. But I don't agree that they're coming to work with it, right? But I understand it. Because as a physician, it's gotta make you a little bit cynical. 'Cause those guys…those guys are exposed to all sorts of germs and bacteria. It's gotta be, like, a bacteria trough in their offices, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: With all sorts of sick people coming in. They get sick and they might feel a little cynical and spiteful. They'll say, "You know what? You fuckers made me sick. I'm gonna make you sick right back."

Dick: So…

Maddox: (interjects) And also…

Dick: (interjects) So the a...

Maddox: …they get paid for it, too!

Dick: The opposite of the Hippocratic Oath, you think they're following.

Maddox: Yeaaaaah! (laughing)

Dick: Never do any harm! A physician's first instinct is to do deliberate harm.

Maddox: A little bit.

Dick: (guffaws) A little…a little bit of deliberate harm. (grins)

Maddox: Hey. You get a cold, you're not gonna die. Other than the 33,000 people who do every year. But other than that.

Dick: That's horrible! (Maddox chuckles) So, I found…I found this study that was kinda interesting. In 2005, they took a nursing home, uh…with three nursing home residents. Sorry, 100-bed nursing home and, like, 12 employees. Um…three residents and one staff member got sick, and the staff member kept coming to work and infecting people. And it took…let's see. It took, like, a month for it to clear out. Over the course of the next 10 days, 'cause the staff members would not stay home?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They kept coming in and infecting people. All…tw…twenty-three residents and eighteen staff members developed symptoms of nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea. Cha, cha, cha. (lewd) (Sean laughs) And no matter what they would do to encourage them to stay home, they would still come in to work, 'cause they had to do their jobs.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Coming in to work, making everybody sick. Old people, too! Which…who could die! When they get sick.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah. There's a really interesting RadioLab episode called Patient Zero, which everyone should listen to right after they listen to this podcast. It's REALLY fascinating. About how…I forget the specific, um, illness that was spread, but they ch…it shows how they traced these things to Patient Zero.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: In, uh…and they also talked about how they traced Ebola to the…uh, group of monkeys. Almost the exact group of monkeys they found, uh…in Africa. Where Ebola came from, and that theory, and AIDS, and all these other things.

Sean: AIDS, too.

Maddox: Yeah, AIDS. Yeah.

Dick: There's another AIDS?

Sean: No, no, no.

Maddox: No, no. Not AIDS 2.

Sean: They traced it back to some small village in Africa.

Maddox: AIDS as well.

Dick: Oh, phew! (Maddox laughs) Whoa, that was a close one! (background giggles)

Maddox: AIDS: The Sequel.

Dick: Just when we cured this one, they got another one coming out!

Maddox: Yeah. The sequels are always worse. (chuckles)

Dick: Sequel's gonna be all emo. (Maddox laughs) And not gonna make sense.

Maddox: Yeah. Any…any…

Dick: It's gonna have laser shields that don't protect against light speed, even thought light speed is the primary mode of travel in the whole Galaxy.

Maddox: Oh, my God. Yeah. Who cares, guys? It's a fictional…they can make anything up! It's a…it's a world where the Force exists with midichlorians, and whatever the fuck contrived, bullshit thing they want to say, they'll just say a sentence and it'll…it'll justify anything they fucking want! Shut up! It doesn't matter! None of this matters! None of this fucking matters! It's a stupid movie, get over it.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: You got anything else, Dick?

Dick: Of COURSE, yeah! (Maddox chuckles) Food workers. How about that? That's another hazard.

Maddox: That's a huge one.

Dick: Yeah. Um…they say…let's see. "51% of food workers who grow and process food to cook and serve said they always or frequently go to work sick."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How about that?! They're touching your food!

Maddox: I know.

Dick: I mean, I brought this in because a couple nights ago, let's see, it was Sunday night. I was out eating some sushi with my brother in law. I get hit with the…I get…(stammers) hit with the most intense, horrible stomach pain and weakness I've ever felt halfway through sushi. I had to go into the bathroom and just lie down. I couldn't take it.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: I couldn't…I couldn't move. I didn't want to live anymore.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I tried to c…I tried to flush my head down the toilet.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Tried to drown myself in the toilet, but it didn't work.

Maddox: That doesn't take a lot of water. (cracks up)

Dick: Great. (Maddox still laughing) And I was…it was a horrible…it was a horrible next 12 hours.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was, you know. Peeing out of my ass.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: Which you don't ever want pee out of.

Maddox: No!

Dick: Right? I was throwing up so hard that I got a six-pack. (Maddox chuckles) And I think…(stammers) some fucking food worker that must have done it to me!! That must have done me wrong! One of these 51% of food workers must have done it to me.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? And I got no sympathy from my fucking family! 'Cause they're just worried about the kids getting sick.

Maddox: Of course. Yeah. That's all parents care about is their kids. Kids, kids, kids!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why don't you worry about ME for once, huh?!

Dick: Yeah. So I got sequestered up into the room…up into my own room, like the Big Lebowski. I couldn't leave. I had to text for food.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And water. Horrible exp…horrible experience.

Maddox: I had a remote control that brought me food whenever I wanted.

Dick: That brought me food. Awww! It was like a real Gestapo situation. (laughs)

Maddox: Bring me my soup!! (cracks up)

Dick: In there.

Sean: Back in my day, I had to yell for my soup!!

Maddox: Yeah. I had to use a broom! Bal…banging on the ceiling.

Sean: You kids today with your electronic gadgets.

Maddox: Get a megaphone. (grins)

Sean: With your WHEEL and your FIRE!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 9 out of 10…9 out of 10…well, this is the interesting…this is the…cognitive dissonance part, right? 9 out of 10 workers polled said they feel responsible for the safety and well-being of their customers, but they still go into work sick.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Fucking su…and all these…all these articles are, like, "Well, it's because they're not getting enough sick days," "It's cause they're not getting enough money."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, but then…but EVERYBODY does it!! Like, every single person ALL UP THE CHAIN does it!!

Maddox: It's cultural and it's guilt-based, man. I've been to some Norweigan countries, and…uh, Nordic countries, rather, and they don't have this c…it's, like, culturally, it's different.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: When people are sick, they are encouraged to stay home and they are sent home. Their boss comes up to them with a very sympathetic tone, and says, "Hey, you're not feeling too well. Why don't you take the day off? Come back tomorrow when you're feeling a little bit better."

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: No one ever fucking does that.

Dick: Bro! This is another survey. 41% of employers send people home when they're sick. Like, going in to them and saying, "You gotta get the…hey, idiot. Get the fuck out of here. You're sick!"

Maddox: It shouldn't get to that point, though. It shouldn't even get to the point where they come into work sick.

Dick: I think it's…I think it's people's crazy backwards slave mentalities that are makin' 'em go work like this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't think there's a lot of logic…look, that's…that's my problem. I think it's a big problem.

Maddox: You know…guys. So, the takeaway from this is, if you're sick, stay home. Lay down on a mattress. Get some rest. Get a good night of sleep.

Dick: You know what the most…the most restiest mattress is? (Maddox chuckles) Is a Casper mattress. This episode is brought to you by Casper. Go to and use promo code BIGGEST to get $50 off your first purchase. Casper is on online retailer of premium mattresses for a fraction of the price. I brought in a fan review for after I cover these bullet points. Mattresses can cost well over 1500 bucks, and also they could still suck for that price.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I bought an expensive mattress and it fucking sucks. And I'm not happy with it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm sleeping in, like, around the sides.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Now. Just to kinda even it out.

Maddox: The only fresh…fresh spots.

Dick: Yeah. Exactly.

Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause you get that..what is it? The valley.

Dick: Yeah. You get a valley.

Maddox: You get the mattress valley. Yeah, you don't want a valley in your mattress!

Dick: How's your mattr…you got your mattress a while ago, didn't you?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Your Casper mattress? How's it holding up?

Maddox: I…it looks consistent all around it. Everywhere…everywhere on my mattress, it's like a plane. You could put a level on there. You should use this mattress as a level. Next time you wanna…

Dick: (interjects) They should use that as their slogan.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: "You could put a level on it." (Maddox and background laughter)

Maddox: You're welcome, Casper.

Dick: You could put a…you got a mattress? You could put a level on it.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Check it! Check that bubble.

Dick: Check it. (grins) Uh, Casper mattresses cost between $500 for a twin. Gosh, uh, $850 for a Queen size, $950 for a King size. Is that the one you got, King size?

Maddox: Yeah. King size, and then you get $50 off, so that's 900 bucks for a brand new mattress that's gonna last you forever.

Dick: Risk-free trial and return policy. Try it for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns. Here, I'll play you this guy's take on it. I hope he isn't an asshole about it.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, what's going on, guys? This is Joe. Uh…Dick, you said you wanted a review on the Casper mattress. I actually bought one…on the show's recommendation. And let me tell you what. It's the best night of sleep I've EVER had."

Dick: Whoa!!

Maddox: Heyyyy.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

"I spent four years in the Marine Corps, so I spent a lot of time sleeping on the ground, so this mattress is one of the nicest things I've ever laid my back on."

Maddox: Well, okay.

"I liked it so much, I called my old squad leader and had him buy it, and HE loved it. Alright, thanks guys." (background chatter)

Dick: It's an Army command, coming through!

"Uh, Dick…Trump 2016, what's up!!")

Maddox: Ohohoooo.

Dick: Oho, well! An additional ad!! (Maddox laughs) Who would've…who would've seen that coming?

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: Get outta here! (laughing) Sorry. Sorry about that, Casper. We won't sully your image with that guy. With that bozo.

Dick: Ahh. Use promo code BIGGEST. Get $50 off your first purchase.

Maddox: Dick…Dick, a mutual friend of ours came up to me and he…he said he was thinking about getting a Casper mattress awhile back. He's like, "Yeah, you know, I wanna support you guys. I'll use your promo code and everything." And I'm like, "Yeah, yeah. Check it…give it a shot." He came up to me and goes, "Hey man, so, I got my Casper mattress and you guys weren't joking. It's a really good mattress." I'm like, "Yeah, no shit, of course." I wouldn't…first of all, I wouldn't say that to you both on-air and off-air if I didn't believe it. Uh, this is a…they're really high-quality mattresses. Thank you, Casper, for supporting the show.

Dick: I would.

Maddox: Yeah. Great, Dick.

Dick: Okay. (laughs)

Maddox: Awesome.

Dick: (laughing) Next problem.

Maddox: Awwwesome. Alright, Dick. I got the REAL biggest problem in the universe this week. This is gonna catch some people by surprise, in that it's still a problem, but Sandy Hook Conspiracy Dipshits.

Dick: Oh. That's…that's still a problem?

Maddox: Yeah.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Still a problem.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Unfortunately.

Dick: Mmmm.

Maddox: So…as a refresher for most people who live outside the US, you might not be following US news as closely as most Americans.

Dick: From 2009. (giggles)

Maddox: It's, uh, 2012.

Dick: Oh. 2012.

Maddox: Story's from two thous…what is that, four years ago now.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Four years ago, the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting occurred on December 14th, 2012, in Newtown, Connecticut, when a 20-year-old named Adam Lanza fatally shot 20 children and six adult staff members. Prior to driving to the school, Lanza shot and killed his mother at the Newtown home. As first responders arrived at the scene, Lanza committed suicide by shooting himself in the head.

Dick: Awwwwwwwww.

Maddox: Very, very tragic story.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The incident was the deadliest mass shooting at a high school or grade school in US history, and second deadliest mass shooting by a single person in US history.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Yeah. Really, really tragic. It was a very controversial time in our…in our country. Lot of debate about gun control. Uh…lot of people REALLY massively upset, because…20 children. 20 children were killed.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: At this shooting. Terrible tragedy, right? (stammers) It was sickening. It was sickening.

Dick: That's a big problem. Mass shootings.

Maddox: Yeah. (sighs)

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Well, it's n…you know, if you're talking about a problem, and how big it is.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: In terms of our emotional response to it…

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: It seems like a big problem.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But if you put it in context of how many people are killed, that's another way to look at it, because if you want to just save lives, there's a lot of things we can put our attention towards.

Dick: I wanna save guns!

Maddox: Yeah, I know you do.

Dick: That's…why it's a big problem.

Maddox: So there's this article that was originally…it originally appeared in a website called The Trace, which I tried to go to, but, uh…there's no trace of it. (giggles)

Dick: (giggles) No s….(they both giggle)

Maddox: The website seemed to be down at this time. (Dick laughs) So it was, uh…

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: It was…(laughs) (Sean laughs) You're welcome for that one.

Dick: Yeaaaaah. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. That's what joke writers do. (giggles)

Sean: Can we just…can we take a moment to recover?

Dick: Yeah. Let's take a moment of silence.

Maddox: There we go. Yeah. Let's eat some of these cookies. Candace's cookies.

Dick: Good cookies, too. I just ate one.

Maddox: They're good. Yeah, we just had some cookies. Thank you, Candace. They're really delicious.

Dick: Would have been even better a week and a half ago.

Maddox: Yeah. Well…(giggles) You know what? They needed to stew inside a shipping container for a little while.

Dick: Yeah, okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh…they're very professionally done. I'll take pictures of 'em. Anyway. This…this article is…has been republished in the…

Dick: Now I'm glad I ate Asterios', see? There was a thought process there.

Maddox: Yeah. Dick…immediately ate Asterios'. (Dick cracks up) What a hater. Sorry Asterios. Anyway. This article was reprinted in Vice. Vice magazine. The Vice website. It's called "Taking on the Sandy Hook Truthers: What Kind of Person Calls a Mass Shooting a Hoax?"

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: I think that's an important question to ask. What kind of person calls a mass shooting a hoax? 'Cause they're very similar to the 9/11 truthers.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There's something wrong with these people.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And…they're not critical thinkers. I know you guys think you're being critical, and you're not…you know, you're one of those people who think, "Ahh, you're not gonna pull the wool over my eyes! I know better than you." And you are IMMEDIATELY skeptical of every mainstream news outlet.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: You know what, dickhead? You should start being skeptical of your alternate news outlet. Because mainstream news outlets? If journalists misreport something, chances are they're gonna get fired. Look at Brian Williams!

Dick: Well…he's coming back, though.

Maddox: Bri…yeah, but he's been gone for a year!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: People don't take that shit very lightly. And he only fucked up once! Or twice!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You lose your job!

Dick: That we know of.

Maddox: Yeah…

Dick: (interjects) But I agree with what you're saying. There's at least some checks and balances.

Maddox: There's checks and balances.

Dick: In mainstream me…minudi.

Maddox: Because when…when a news outlet loses its reputation, people stop trusting it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's all they got.

Sean: The Times of London, when they printed in the late seventies, those Hitler letters?

Maddox: What…what was this?

Dick: Whoa, what?

Sean: They were…forgeries.

Dick: Ohhhhhhh, that's a….(inaudible, Maddox talking over)

Maddox: They printed forged Hitler letters.

Sean: Yeah. And they didn't do their, you know, due diligence to really vet those things.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: I wanna say it was the Times of London.

Dick: What did the letters say, like, "Teeheehee, my name is Hitler!" (goofy voice)

Sean: I don't remember. It's…(scoffs)

Dick: You know, that would be a fake, right?

Sean: It was a long time ago, but that…I mean, that almost ruined them.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. It can take down an organization, whereas an alternate news website, like InfoWars, these fucking shitty… websites.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: All these conspiracy dipshits! They all… was one from a long time ago, that I don't know if they're still around. Hope not. When you go to these websites and you look for sources.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: To see where their sources are coming from, because they make outlandish claims. They link to…websites that link back to them. So I…I was reading an Infowars article one time…(giggles) and it said some outlandish claim about 9/11. I clicked on the source. It took me to talked about this crazy theory, and then they linked right back to Infowars. I'm like, "Oh, perfect! You guys are just jacking each other off!"

Dick: Rock solid, man.

Maddox: Bunch of jerkoff dipshits! Anyway. A guy named Wolfgang Halbig. He's a 60-year-old security consultant. Is the leader of the Sandy Hook Conspiracy Theorists. He thinks that 26 victims of the shooting were fictional.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Didn't happen! One of the…one of the victims was the son of a guy named Lenny Posner, whose six-year-old was shot and killed that day. Posner dropped off his son at school on December 14th, 2012, the day of the shooting. His last words to his child were, "Have a fun day." They were just listening to Gangnam style on the radio on the way over, and uh…his son really liked that song. He watched his child head inside the school with his brown backpack for the last time. But ever since his son's death, conspiracy theorists speculated that Sandy Hook was a False Flag operation. You guys know what a False Flag operation is?

Dick: Yeah. Taking your guns!!

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: Stage it so they can go after the guns! That's what it is.

Maddox: Well, the False Flag…that…that term was popularized and coin…I think it was coined, too, around the time of the Cuban missile crisis.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Where this, uh..American general or American major, commander, whatever. I don't know what his rank was, but he floated this crackpot idea where we would stage an attack off the coast of, uh..Tonkin, I think? Um…or maybe that was the…the ship. I don't know. It was off the coast of Cuba, essentially. As a precursor to lead us into war with, uh…with Cuba, or um…I'm not remembering the specifics, but essentially, it's called a False Flag attack, where we stage some kind of attach as a precursor indicating us to do something.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They think that the government might have staged it as a precursor for more gun control.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Or to go to war.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Or to push extra surveillance measures.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Are you a conspiracy dipshit, Dick?

Dick: No. I don't thi…I like reading about them, but, uh…no. A guy killed a bunch of kids. Pretty easy.

Maddox: Ever since, uh…

Dick: (interjects) Straightforward.

Maddox: This is from the…yeah. This is from the Vice article. It says, "Ever since his son's death, Posner has been dealing with the hoaxers. It was his habit to regularly post photos of Noah…" his son's name was Noah. "…a happy boy with soft blue eyes and white smile, on his Google+ page. He would put up pictures of Noah hugging his twin sister or playing on the beach, or showing off his tooth he lost less than two weeks before he was murdered."

Dick: Convenient. (they chuckle)

Maddox: "The hoaxers would see these images and offer comments like 'Where's Noah going to die next?'"

Dick: Oh, my Gooooood.

Sean: Wow.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Ugh. (shudders)

Maddox: Another commenter, seemingly believing that Posner had been recruited to help perpetuate the myth of the shooting, asked, "How much did you get paid?"

Dick: How much would it cost? How much would it cost you to join in on a government conspiracy like that?

Maddox: Well, it depends what's…

Dick: (interjects) They wanted you to pretend to be someone's dad.

Maddox: Oh. What's the false flag?

Dick: School shooting.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Oh, it depends what they're going after?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Okay. What if they're going after, uh…uh…, oh, shit. They're trying to get more bicycles. More bicycle lanes out there.

Maddox: Oh, buddy.

Dick: I don't know. What do you want…what do you want there to be?

Maddox: Uh…pfff.

Dick: I don't know what your politics…more minimum wage?

Maddox: I…(stammers)

Dick: What do you want? What do you want?

Maddox: You know, it's…it's a pipe dream, but I really would like to see a smaller government one day.

Dick: Okay, so then they're gonna say alright…(Maddox laughs) "We're gonna go shoot up a bunch of kids to make the government smaller. Are you in?"

Maddox: If I…if…if the metric that I measured it by was that I could barely see them, I would be all on board.

Dick: Oh, all jokes. (Maddox laughs) Never takes anything seriously.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (laughing) OKAY. (they both crack up)

Dick: Now get back to your PROBLEM.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) So, Posner, this guy…the…the dad of this son. Decided to confront these guys. With something that…

Dick: (interjects) Great.

Maddox: …most of these dudes never do.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Because he…was tired of it and he was really upset. And he…he decided that his son's name was being tarnished. His son is being accused of…first…of, like, being part of this CRAZY fucking theory.

Dick: Yeah. (scoffs) Mhmm.

Maddox: So he…this is from the article. It says, "He hoped to sit down with Halbig at a coffee shop near his home in Orlando, Florida. He wanted to talk to him face-to-face about Noah, who is his only son and never far from his mind. He posted online his son's birth and death certificates." He thought that would assuage them. He thought, "Ah, here you go. Here's my birth and death certificates."

Dick: Nooo. Who does he think he's talking to?

Maddox: Aha. Trump, apparently.

Dick: Anybody could whip those up in an…in an afternoon.

Maddox: Tchyeah.

Dick: I could get you a death certificate by 3 PM, Randy.

Maddox: Yeah. Apparently, you can get death cer…you can get a birth certificate from the President of the United States. Eh, could be fake. It's…it's a forgery. He was born in Nigeria.

Dick: Well..

Maddox: He posted online his son's birth and death certificates.

Dick: You said it, not me. (Maddox giggles) Kenya.

Maddox: Barack HUSSEIN Obama!!!! (Dick laughs) He shared the medic…the medical examiner's report and one of Noah's report cards. The hoaxers said the records were counterfeits. Of course!

Dick: Yeah, that's what they do.

Maddox: Of course they're counterfeits.

Sean: These people just…they have no problem making incredible leaps of logic.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: To fill this in.

Maddox: With no evidence.

Dick: Yeah, but they need it. 'Cause wouldn't it…wouldn't the world be better, in a way, if it was true?

Maddox: No!

Dick: Like, don't you…well…can't you see any reason why, emotionally, they would want it to be true? That this was, like…this was a plan and that this is not the world. A bunch of kids just didn't get killed randomly? But rather, the government is SO powerful and so good that they set up this crazy, complex scheme to take THEIR guns, where these people are the proprietors of information that nobody else has. Like, that…that to them…that's a motive to want that to be true.

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Dick: No. Okay.

Maddox: No, Dick! These guys are not good guys.

Dick: They're just crazy. Oh, I'm not saying they're GOOD, but…

Maddox: They don't have any…this is not any kind of, um…wish for a world that was better than a world that exists where we have people shooting 20 kids.

Sean: Yeah. If it wasn't kids, it would have been something else.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: That was just the mechanism.

Dick: That's not what I'm saying.

Maddox: These guys…I know what you're saying. No, I know…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: What Dick is saying is…he's…he's saying…

Sean: I do, too.

Maddox: He's suggesting that these people are concocting this as a way…as a defense mechanism to not acknowledge that we live in a world where monsters like this exist.

Dick: Well, that's PART of it. But it's also, they wanna be the victim, in some way.

Maddox: (interjects) I think it's not…

Dick: (interjects) Like, can you see that in their mind, they would want it to be true?

Maddox: I think it's not about being a victim so much as narcissism. They think that they're important. They want to feel like they're part of it. They want to feel like that they are part of something bigger than themselves. And they are part of this. They are on the forefront of the…of the researchers…

Dick: (interjects) That's what I just said!

Maddox: Who are going to…no, but…narcissism is the driving force here, Dick. It's not that they are victims. I don't think these people think of themselves as victims. But they are…they think of themselves…they're so delusional about their importance.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: That they think that they can concoct these theories as a way to…make themselves have higher stature. Like, you know what? I..I'm a…I got this, like, dead-end fucking job. I'm sitting around on my ass with nothing going on in my life.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Other than to harass these poor victims. These poor, grieving parents.

Sean: A lot of these people are not as smart as they think they are.

Maddox: No!

Sean: They're not where they want to be in life.

Maddox: Right.

Sean: And they have to come up with this kind of shit as an excuse…

Maddox: To feel important.

Sean: For not looking at themselves in the mirror.

Maddox: Right.

Sean: They want the answers.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: And they're "the smart one" among all their "dumb friends".

Maddox: Yeah. They're also people who…they…they GREATLY overestimate their intelligence. They think they're critical thinkers. By…by questioning the official story. Fine. You wanna question the official story? Good. Fine. Be a critical thinker. But then, when you find the evidence to your answer…don't keep looking for some evidence to support your foregone conclusion. Because if you do that, you'll become one of these deniers, where ANY amount of evidence will not satiate you. NOTHING will ever satiate you! A birth certificate could be faked! A death certificate could be faked! Everything could be faked! Maybe you were faked, asshole! Maybe your fucking birth certificate's fake! What makes you think you can trust ANYTHING?! Who says your parents are your parents!? Maybe you look like 'em, maybe not! Doesn't matter. There are people who are lookalikes. You can…you can question everything in life, and nothing can necessarily be true!! If you wanna be one of these idiots.

Sean: Now, in this case, it might be because they're afraid the government will take their guns.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, that…

Sean: (interjects) And that's probably…who knows, can you…

Dick: (interjects) Eh, it plays a part of it.

Sean: Yeah. Can you see, uh…are you able to tell…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: What organizations these people are linked to?

Maddox: Yeah. It says here…um…

Dick: ISIS. (background laughter) They're all ISIS members.

Maddox: So this, uh…this Posner guy. He said "He remained undaunted. He thought that perhaps if he could show Halbig the documents in person, he and the rest of the hoaxers might at last relent."

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: "I wanted to be as transparent as possible", Posner says. "I thought keeping the documents private would only feed the conspiracy." You know, much like…much like the…the birthers!

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Very similar. "When Posner did not receive a reply from Halbig, he contacted Kelly Watt, one of the more aggressive hoaxers who showed up on his Google+ page. Watt wrote back on Halbig's behalf. He said, "Wolfgang does not wish to speak with you," her note said, "…unless you exhume Noah's body and prove to the world you lost your son."

Dick: Well…what else you gonna do?

Maddox: That's the stan…there'…(stammers) they want this poor fucking guy to dig up his son's GRAVE to prove that he died?!

Sean: Well, then they'll say it won't be his son?

Dick: Well, where did you think it was gonna go, engaging with them? Like, here's a birth certificate and death certificate. What. (stammers) Hey! Way to go, you cure insanity, dude! Where do you think it's gonna go!? Of course they're gonna go there. And after you dig it up, they're gonna want you to cut it into…they're…they just always want more!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who's the crazy one, now!? You're trying to talk sense into people who are insane!! You're a fucking idiot!

Maddox: I don't think he's an idiot. I think he…he…

Dick: (interjects) He's traumatized, clearly.

Maddox: He gave them…he gave them the benefit of the doubt.

Dick: Ho! That's…..okay.

Maddox: He…he…you know, I like to do that too, sometimes, when someone is really skeptical of something I'm saying, I assume…I like to think that people, generally, have good intentions. Generally speaking, most people do. Even people who do heinous things. Because ultimately, when you do something that hurts somebody, or does some…has some negative repercussion. It's usually not out of malice when you start. It becomes that way after the fact when you look at…when you look at things, and you realize, "Well, I was acting out of anger. I was acting out of emotion. I was hurt. I didn't…I was trying to…" It's more about self-preservation than it is malice a lot of times. But anyway…this, uh…this goes on. It says, "Less than a month after the shooting, a video called 'The Sandy Hook Shooting Fully Exposed'", that's the name of the…the video. "…had received 10 million views on YouTube." Okay?

Dick: Wow….

Maddox: So these fuckers are not only traumatizing and harassing these poor, grieving parents…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They're making a mint off of it, too.

Dick: Oh, you think they got ad revenue for that?

Maddox: Of course.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: 10 million at about 1.5 cpm? That's, uh…yeah. You're looking at…you're looking at about 15…15 grand.

Dick: Hmm. Would that finance the movie?

Maddox: Possibly.

Dick: How well-done was the movie?

Maddox: Uh…I dunno. I didn't…I didn't watch it.

Dick: What kind of 3D modelling and effects are we talking about?

Maddox: You know…it's on par with, like, Zeitgeist and all the other, you know, bullshit conspiracy theory videos."An infamous conspiracy theorist names James Fetzer called the Newtown attack a FEMA drill to promote gun control. (Dick snorts) "The National Rifle Association laid the groundwork for such sentiments."

Dick: Yeah. Did you see the one where they got one of the parents, uh…laughing right before he does a press conference?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's one of their smoking guns.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know. Look at this guy, yukkin' it up. And then he starts acting and gets real serious.

Maddox: Right. It even talks about this here. It says,...

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "To press their case, hoaxers designated themselves experts on physiology of grieving."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "The parents didn't appear sad enough in interviews, they argued. Therefore, they could not have possibly lost children." Suddenly, they're experts on grieving. They know exactly how people deal with trauma.

Dick: They're experts on everything, man.

Maddox: They know how people…yeah. They're experts on everything. By the way,, uh, one of the first links when you search for the Sandy Hook, uh, shooting…it's, uh…there's an article that says Sandy Hook Exposed? "Video documents that the shooting at Sandy Hook Elementary School were a staged hoax: The verdict is false." (scoffs) Big red false. Snopes looked into it. It's false. Um, this goes on… "Halbig became known for asking a set of 16 questions that he argued PROVED the event was staged. Carried out by crisis actors whom the government pays to pose as victims during emergency preparedness drills. Halbig claimed the authorities could not provide him with the answers that, in fact, were available to the public in the Connecticut State Police report on the shooting. For instance, he wanted to know why paramedics and EMTs weren't allowed to enter the school." They were. Of course they were, you fucking idiot. "…and why helicopters weren't used to transport victims to the hospital." Well, with the exception of four wounded individuals who were taken by ambulance, the rest were dead, you fucking idiot!

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: They're not gonna take dead people to hospitals to work on them. They're dead at the scene, you fucking idiot!

Dick: Next time.

Maddox: "Supplied with those facts, he and the hoaxers insisted that they had to be fiction given their source. The whole point, after all, is that the government can never be trusted." Okay, you're a fucking idiot. That's it.

Dick: 10 million views on that thing? So how many people are Sandy Hook Conspiracy guys, do you think?

Maddox: They're not a lot, but they're…

Dick: Can't be a lot.

Maddox: They're…a small, loud, obnoxious pocket of the deepest, darkest hole of the Internet. I hate these guys. They're such fucking incorrigible, idiot, dipshits!

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: They're absolutely terrible people. They're making money off the back of the suffering victims. They're not adding…they're not making the world a better place for ANYONE.

Dick: I gotta see that making money thing. You think they're ma…you think there's a financial aspect to this?

Maddox: If you watch a YouTube video and you see an ad…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Someone is making money on it.

Dick: Yeah. How much money went into the…the video, though?

Maddox: Well, probably not much, 'cause all these videos are so poorly researched and poorly made!

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: They're not…first of all, all these fucking conspiracy videos…almost none of them have a HOST. None of them have a face you can pin to it.

Dick: (laughing) That's true!

Maddox: No one's standing in front of anything. (Dick laughs, sighs) They're all just doing this with voiceover and Internet clips.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They're just looking at grainy video footage of CNN and pouring over the first few minutes of news reports that come in.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know…the…the news reports that are the most confusing, where nobody knows what the facts are.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Someone might've said they heard a bomb. Someone might've said they saw a…second gunman. Those are the news reports they cling to voraciously.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And even after retractions have been published, it's too fucking late, because they look at these little blogging websites that pick up the new stories MINUTES after they've been published, even with the factual errors that have been retracted later, but then they ALWAYS point to these blogger websites that don't have those retractions.

Dick: Well, there's stuff like that for James Helms, too. Everybody says there was a second gunman.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who escaped.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And that James Helms was just drugged in his car, and that's where they found him. And he's like a plant.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like a CIA plant. Uh…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I do like…I do like reading them. They're fun. It's like fun escapism. 'Cause it's crazy in a way that someone couldn't write. Like, I'll fall…I'll fall asleep during Force Awakens. Somebody tried to write something interesting, I'm like, "Ugh, I can't take it." But these guys write something that they, like, really put their lives into, and I'm…I'm fascinated by it.

Sean: So some of these school shootings happened under Bush.

Maddox: Yeah, of course. There've been…

Dick: Columbine, didn't it?

Maddox: Yeah. Columbine happened under…

Dick: Was it?

Maddox: Oh, was it Clinton?

Dick: Clinton?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, my God. That was a long time ago.

Sean: But of course, these kind of groups were completely silent. 'Cause they're so afraid of…taking their guns.

Dick: No, it's the same people.

Maddox: Oh!!

Dick: It's all overlap. Like, everyone who's really in…

Sean: (interjects) You think the same people went crazy under Bush?

Maddox: It's not as loud under…under governors that they view as being…uh…

Sean: A little more pro gun.

Maddox: Yeah. A little bit more pro gun. But, uh…yeah. You know, it's still there. There's that undercurrent. But it's not nearly as loud. You're right, Sean. But, uh…yeah. When…anytime there's a Liberal president in office and a school shooting happens, these conspiracy dipshits rear their ugly fucking heads, and I mean ugly metaphorically and literally. They're just assholes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they…they…concoct these theories because they're either afraid of gun control…but it's not all gun control. These guys are also, uh…you know. Some of the same people as 9/11 truthers.

Dick: Of course.

Maddox: You know what, guys? Take..take inventory of your life. Right now. And if you believe in more than one or two seriously huge conspiracy theories? You're a conspiracy dipshit.

Sean: Kill yourself.

Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah, well. No one will believe your fucking death certificate, asshole! Yeah, kill yourselves, and we'll just sit there and mock your fucking family, dickheads!! Which I wouldn't do. It's just a fucking awful thing!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's just an awful thing, these assholes. Anyway, um. Yeah…in conclusion, just rot in a pit.

Dick: Yeah, you're really angry about this. Why?

Maddox: It pisses me off so much, man.

Dick: It's so old, though.

Maddox: It's…

Dick: Like, you can't stop them. They're just always there.

Maddox: You know, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) This is what the world is.

Maddox: No, Dick…(sighs) that's a very defeatist attitude. It doesn't have to be.

Dick: Maddox, this is…well, what are you gonna do, kill them?

Maddox: These people…no, you…

Dick: Like, they're crazy.

Sean: (interjects) Well, it's a…

Maddox: (interjects) They need psychiatric help.

Dick: Ugh.

Sean: It's what a small percentage of the world is.

Dick: Psychiatric help is not a magic pill. It doesn't fix people.

Maddox: Well…(giggles) It literally does, sometimes, Dick.

Dick: It doesn't! (stammers) That's not what…a psychiatrist or a psychologist's job. You're not gonna send all these people to counselling, and they're going to be better. Like, that's just not realistic.

Maddox: There is…

Dick: (interjects) So what's the solution?

Maddox: No. There are ways to get through to people like this. Like anti-vaxxers, for example. Uh…people have done lots of different studies and tried lots of different techniques, and they're starting to finally find ways to get through to them.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Like, to have that defeatist attitude, like, "Oh, that's just the way the world is!!" You know. There's…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, who…that's the way it is.

Maddox: Rapists and killers and there's nothing we can do about it! No, there is. You can reduce it.

Dick: Well, that's a little bit different than raping and killing. Thinking that there's a giant conspiracy in Sandy Hook.

Maddox: Well, whether or not you do something actively with your body, like, assault somebody, or you tacitly…you do it indirectly by harassing them.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I think that's a…that's a…you're splitting hairs.

Dick: (scoffs) Well, okay. (unconvinced)

Maddox: You can…you can…

Dick: (interjects) That splitting hairs is called the law.

Maddox: You can cause someone a lot of mental grief. Well, there are anti…bullying laws.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Uh..anti-online harassment laws.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Anti-stalking laws. Stalking is…psychological warfare, essentially. You're not…

Dick: (interjects) Well arrest them for what they're doing to this guy, then. But then he goes and has a press conference with what…what are you doing, man? Sounds like everybody needs to go to a shrink in this scenario.

Sean: Yeah, well, he was trying to reason with people who can't be reasoned with, so…(Dick groans loudly)

Dick: Come on, man.

Sean: He probably learned his lesson on that.

Dick: I hope so.

Maddox: Yeah. He's…he's given up here.

Dick: I hope everybody learned that lesson in this one.

Maddox: But he has…he has..I think he did form a group. I think the article goes on. He did form a group with other parents and uh…and grief counselors and people who are trying to solve…essentially solve this problem, to stop these…these, uh…these social parasites from harassing people like this.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Because it's a really disgusting thing, and they're making a mint, like I said. These YouTube videos, with 10 million views? If they're monetized, someone's making money off of it.

Dick: It's just 15 grand.

Maddox: Just 15 grand?

Dick: They're not making a mint.

Maddox: What are you tal…these guys are all liv…they're just living in their little, uh…(stammers) trailers in the mid-West, or wherever the fuck they're living. They're not making 15 grand doing anything else. 15 grand's a lot of money.

Dick: I guess. You could eat for a year.

Maddox: It's…(giggles)

Dick: In the mid-West.

Maddox: It could be half of someone's income.

Dick: I dunno.

Maddox: Yeah, well…it's…it's really tragic. And the only reason I brought this in now…after 2012 is when the shooting happened. Is because this is STILL GOING ON, today. These idiots are unrelenting.

Dick: Yeah. Well…

Maddox: Anyway. That's my problem.

Dick: Alright. Uh…Conspiracy Dipshits. Also vote it up.

Maddox: Sandy Hook. Sandy Hook Conspiracy Dipshits. Well, yeah. It's a subset.

Dick: Vote 'em up both.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Vote up both.

Dick: Let's see which…which conspiracy dipshit reigns supreme on this show!! You gotta bring in Holocaust Deniers…

Maddox: Oh, they're coming.

Dick: You gotta bring in…what other conspiracies…Flat Earth Society people? I would LOVE to have one of them on the show.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They are FASCINATING.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Flat Earthers?

Maddox: Raelian people.

Dick: Raelian people, another great one!

Maddox: I…I talked about that during the Conspiracy Dipshit one. Um, there's also…there's also the…

Dick: (interjects) People who believe in God!! Bring them in, right?!

Maddox: (interjects) There's also…

Dick: (interjects) Crazy, a magical wizard in the sky?! (giggles) Right?!

Maddox: There's also this…

Dick: (interjects) Crazy.

Maddox: There's also the skeptical, um…the people who are skeptical of medicine, people.

Dick: Ho…homeopaths?

Maddox: Uh, yeah.

Dick: Or, like, Jehovah's Witness people?

Maddox: But, like, the hardcore…the hardcore homeopaths.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, uh…and people who are into alternate medicine. Man, that's…that's hurting some people, too, man.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I can talk about some serious, serious damage that's done to people.

Dick: Woooh, let's not be serious about it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Can we talk about it in a funny way?

Maddox: Well…(scoffs)

Dick: Somebody lost their dick, or something? (background giggle)

Maddox: There you go.

Dick: Have weird-sounding muppets, now?

Maddox: Hey, we got these people who are causing people grief!!

(Sound effect: Fart)

Maddox: Whoaaaaaaaaaaaa! (goofy) (they laugh)

Dick: Hilarious!

Maddox: Anyway, Dick. You got another problem?

Dick: Alright. Aaaaaaah, no.

Maddox: You got a quick one?!

Dick: No.

Maddox: No? Alright. Let's wrap it up here, then. My problem this week was Sandy Hook Conspiracy Dipshits.

(Closing riff starts)

Dick: My problem is Presenteeism, another kind of denier.

Maddox: Yeah. Thanks for listening.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Ummm, did I just hear Maddox, uh, talk shit about somebody who wears a Sonic T-shirt to school…"

Maddox: Okay.

"…when he was.."

Dick: That's you.

"…the person that wore a shirt with tanks on it to a business dinner with the CEO of his book's publishing firm?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's right, I remember you said you did that.

"'Cause I'm pretty sure that's what I thought I heard." (Dick and Randy laugh)

Maddox: Yeah. Okay, idiot. First of all…

"…and Dick, you're a cool guy.")

Dick: Ohohohooo!!! I would never wear a tank T-shirt to a dinner with the CEO of anything.

Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause you wouldn't be invited. Only cool guys with tank shirts get invited!

Dick: Maybe I'd be a waiter! (grins) (they laugh) I wouldn't sure up to work in a tank T-shirt.

Maddox: Yeah. You'd show up to work sick!

Sean: I love how in that entire scenario that the publisher never clarified "a dinner jacket".

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Sean: You might wanna get a jacket. You might wanna get a jacket. Well, at least the way you told it.

Maddox: He…no. He didn't. He didn't clarify dinner jacket.

Dick: Do you think that's necessary, Sean?

Sean: No, I meant dinner jacket, with…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: No!

Maddox: Of course it is!!

Sean: (laughs) It depends on…

Dick: Ahh, when you're dealing with writers, yes. I think you're right.

Maddox: But it was also New York, and it was raining that day, and I assumed that he meant a jacket because it was raining outside? And I said "No. No jacket, no umbrella. I don't…I don't use any of those things. They're stupid." And then I show up to this…(Dick cackles) you know what? But the s…it's not just a Sonic shirt that guy showed up to school with. He had duct tape on his shoes. He was making Sonic shoes! He…like, that's…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah. That's WAY worse.

Maddox: We're…we're talking about social norms here, okay, guys?

Dick: Uh-huh…

Maddox: So you're….you're strengthening my case.

Dick: Here's one.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Uhh, hey guys. Um…this is ____. Um, a couple of things. Uh, Hitler was home schooled, so…"

Dick: Oh, shit.

Maddox: Yep. There you go.

Dick: Well…

"…um, I think that's enough evidence…"

Dick: It is.

Maddox: You're Hitler.

"…to suggest that if you home school, you'll become Hitler."

Dick: I guess that's it.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: I wasn't home schooled.

"I can actually confirm this, because I was home schooled. And I am Hitler. Uh, that's all, uh…go fuck yourself…

Dick: Hmm.


Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) He had to specify who he was asking to fuck himself.

Dick: Yeah, they do. They have to.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, Hitler was home schooled…

(Voice male: male voice (loud): "You know, I always kinda thought of envy as kinda like…"

(Maddox sighs)

Dick: Sorry.

"…the better between envy and jealousy, envy is kind of better, because, like, envy is, like, you're, like, "Ohhh, so-and-so got, like, a new car. Oh, I wish I had that."

(they laugh)

"…but then jealousy is when you're, like…pissed that it…like, they have a new car. It's like…"

Maddox: Uhhhh, no.

Dick: No. (they laugh and talk over the voice mail_

"…that kinda goes from, like, (inaudible) oh, maybe I should fucking kinda turn this into somethin'. (they giggles) You know, a little fucking motivation to get your shit together. Or whatever. Work harder. (more giggling) (long pause)

Also, the, uh…(giggles)

(Dick and Sean laugh)

"There was a drop in that…uh, also, the…Facebook…(stammers) that shit is, like…pfff."

Maddox: The Facebook.

"…I think, like, 80% a façade, when people are, like, "I'm so happy." "I'm so happy." 'Cause I know…a few people who post shit, like, (inaudible)…that night" and then, like, mere hours later, they're, like, you know. Their fucking life's falling apart. Whatever. Divorce and whatnot. (Maddox giggles) And then they're on Facebook, like, "Ohhh, I'm fucking having a great day!!" (they giggle)"I found some Oreos at the bottom of my bag!" (they laugh) "I'm goin' eat some now!!" "hashtag YOHO!" (more giggles) )

Dick: Yoho. Not Yolo.

Maddox: No. Oh, great. Thank you. Very insightful voice mail. Thank you for that voice mail.

Dick: Do you w…do you wanna hear one later in the night? Oh God, that's a big one from him.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, speaking of Die Hard, did you guys ever play the, uh, first PlayStation Die Hard game?"

Maddox: Yeah! It was great.

"It was awesome."

Maddox: (Dick guffaws) Oh, it was so fun!

"And they made a sequel for…I dunno if it was PlayStation or a future model, like the PlayStation 2 ."

Maddox: I think it was (inaudible with the voice mail)

"But, uh.."

Dick: It was (inaudible).

"It was not good. They fucked that one up. And, then, uh…"

Maddox: Is this weird Matthew McConaughey?

Dick: Yeah. (chuckles)

"…the 64 fucked up, um…"

Maddox: Why is he talking about this?

Dick: I don't know!! (cracking up)

"…Perfect Dark. The sequel to Perfect Dark…"

Maddox: I mean, I would love to talk about this, but this is so weird.

"…I think they sold to Xbox. Microsoft. And, uh… (Dick cracks up) they fucked that one up too. (exhales)"

Maddox: Is he jerking off? What's he doing? (background laughter)

Dick: I dunno. Hanging out.

"…(inaudible) Perfect Dark 2…and Die Hard 2…"

Dick: L-I-V-I-N. Callin'. C-A-L-I-N.

"…the video game. And maybe the movie…") (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Creepy Matthew McConaughey. (Dick cracks up)

Dick: Oh, maybe this one. It's short.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Dick, you are such a fricking retard!"

Dick: Frickting. (Maddox laughs)

"You're trying to describe what's wrong with…"

Maddox: Fricking retard. (giggles)

Dick: Fricking.

"…the Force Awakens, and yet you're actually saying the good things about a New Hope. You're sitting there complaining about not having a person to go on the hero's journey with. You're talking about the fact that there's still a Resistance. You sound like a moron!" (they all crack up) (growls in frustration)")

Dick: He's really upset.

Maddox: Sounds like he rubbed one out, too!! (laughs) You sound like a moron, UNGGGGH!!!

Dick: Angry masturbating…(Maddox laughs) Oh, wait! This one's good. One last one.

(Voice mail: male voice: (voice sounds like Mickey Mouse) "Well hello, dickheads! It's me, Mickey Mouse!! (they laugh)"

Maddox: Of course.

"I just wanted to call in and talk to Dick. Listen, Dick. You happen to not like the movie very much…but (inaudible) I ain't giving you your goddamn 30 dollars. Fuck you, bitch! Because I will not shit, and you (inaudible) You're the guy that spent 30 dollars. So fuck you!! How about a penny for your goddamn thoughts so you can jam it up your ass. HaHA!! HAHAHAH! (Maddox giggles)

Dick: Well…

"..and you know what?! You seem to be terrible at paying attention to plots, because (inaudible) didn't realize Kylo Ren is not even a fucking master, you dickhead! He's kind of, sort of, a Sith. Not really. (Maddox giggles) And also…in the last fight, he got fucking shot!!"

Dick: You think he wrote this down?

Maddox: Yeah, of course.

"…in the goddamn liver! You fucking dick!"

Maddox: See?

Dick: He got shot.

Maddox: It's…it's…the shot thing.

"(inaudible) Maybe…Rey was a little too overpowered. But hey…"

Maddox: (mutters) Shut up…

"…(inaudible) Luke Skywalker is a bit of a lame ass fucking hero. We needed someone to REPLACE someone as lame as him, to take up the torch, and someone, quite frankly, pretty hot, too. I mean, come on, man. Look at her. Di…Daisy Ridley? She's pretty fucking gorgeous. Am I right? Ha HA!!"

Dick: No. (Maddox laughs)

"Anyway, uh…just wanted to say, uh…go fuck yourselves! Bye!! Oh, also, fuck you too, Maddox! Guardians of the Galaxy is fucking good shit! That's my movie! Fuck you! (Dick giggles) I own your childhood!! AHAHAHAHAHAHA!") (they giggle)

(file cuts off)