January 19, 2016, Dick
Episode 88 Transcript
courtesy of Laurie Foster
| Not Enough Toilets ||2187|
| Last Call ||1216|
| Lottery Winners ||-912|
Just a reminder, for anyone interested in hiring DJ Tim Changz for their wedding, bar mitzvah or podcast, check him out on twitter @TimChangzzzzz
. If he manages to keep that Twitter account updated for longer than a week, I will suck a dick.
Asterios is back! And trying to impress a special lady friend while he's at it with his Wayne Brady-slaying comedy, his seductive Star Wars themed puns, and his erotic extreme-shouting about nothing. But he fucks up by bringing in Last Call as a problem. If I was trying to impress a woman, I would have brought in a problem like Not Enough Celebrity Dancing Shows or Having Too Big A Penis, but to each their own.
Special thanks to Harry's for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry's website
and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" when checking out to feel the Force and get $5 off your first purchase.
Last call is a huge problem though, and not just for alcoholics; alcoholics who don't admit they are; and alcoholics who admit they are on the podcast, but secretly don't really think they are. According to Asterios, last call increases violence, drunk driving accidents, and alcohol consumption. According to Maddox, last call was created because of Hitler. And according to me, last call is the political issue of the century. I want a last call that's so drunk, I can barely see it. Vote it up!
Because I am a selfless humanitarian, I bring in Not Enough Toilets, a problem that sounds stupid but is actually a major source of disease and assault in the third world. It's also the reason that all of Hollywood and especially my block stinks like urine 365 days a year. Don't believe me? Come to LA and walk toward the smell of urine. When you pass out from ammonia poisoning and drown in a sea of piss, you've found my apartment. Like most bathroom-related problems, I bring in more stats than I can discuss on the show. If you'd like something to read while you're relieving yourself in the dumpster outside of my apartment building, follow the links below.
Maddox finishes the show with a high-stakes problem that you've probably never even considered: Lottery Winners. Tremble in fear at the dissection of their fiscal irresponsibility. Brace yourself for terrifying highs and dizzying lows of people who were once poor, get rich, and then become poor again! Your mind will bend in agony when you learn that lottery winners sometimes become addicted to drugs! And then blow their winnings on those drugs! And on scams! Scams that have much better odds than winning the lottery in the first place!
I'm just kidding. Lottery winners are a huge problem. At some point in their life, everyone has won something in the lottery, even a token amount of $4, and I think we can all agree that everyone is a huge fucking problem.
Apologies for the nasal sound of my voice. I was getting over a cold. Go vote up Presenteeism.
Check out Asterios' The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man Part II: www.devastatorpress.com/megaman2
And follow him on Twitter @asterios
UN.org - Toilet Day.
LA Times - Urine Destroying Cities.
Esure.com - Dick's "1 in 7" stat is an ad by an insurance company that conflates accidents with "near misses." Garbage
Time - How winning the lottery makes you miserable.
NY Daily News - Tragic stories of big jackpot winners.
NY Times - You will not win the Powerball Jackpot
NY Times - Dear Powerball Winner: Take Our Advice and Take the Annuity.
, toilet tank