Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 88
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Today's show is brought to you by Harry's! Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Varicose Veins to Tim Chainz! (Dick laughs loudly, Asterios chuckles) With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back, Sean.
Sean: Thank you!
Maddox: And very special guest, Asterios Boisterous, the Sneaky Greek Coconuts! (Asterios chuckles) Welcome back.
Asterios: Hey, everybody. Hey, buddy.
Maddox: We have a…we have a full studio. And in-house today, we also have a guest. Paige, thank you…
Dick: A superfan.
Maddox: Superfan, Paige! Thank you for joining us. Welcome to the show.
Asterios: Talk, say hi into the microphone!
Paige: Hi, fellas. Thanks for having me.
Dick: OooooOoooh. (lewd)
Maddox: Oh my gosh, sounds like a voice actor.
Dick: Beautiful voice.
Asterios: Can you do that…can we get a second take that's even sexier somehow?
Paige: (sexy voice) Hi, fellas. Thanks for having me.
Dick: WHOA!!!! Do you have a shooting load in your pants sound effect, over there?
(Sound effect: Boner Boing)
Dick: That's close enough. (giggles)
Maddox: There you go. (laughing)
Asterios: Perfect! Halfway there.
Maddox: Ahh, alright. Well, welcome to the show, guys. Uh, Sean…you were missed. Welcome back from jail, you went to jail.
Sean: Is that where I was this week?
Maddox: According to Dick. That's what Dick said.
Dick: Yeah, you were in jail.
Sean: Everybody should try it, like, four or five times. (Asterios guffaws, Maddox chuckles)
Sean: Yeah. You gotta know if you like it or not.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Sean: I don't know, man. I've been up for days.
Asterios: Alright, let's talk.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe from last week…
Maddox: …was backseat drivers!
Maddox: And then Disney…Street Art Abolitionists following that, and then Losing the Remote. Which, Dick…
Maddox: I have to call you out on something. (Asterios giggles)
Asterios: I HAVE to.
Asterios: I don't have a CHOOOICE.
Maddox: I don't have a choice, Asterios!!!
Dick: Like a fucking judge or a bailiff. (Asterios guffaws) Like…"begrudgingly, I have to bring up some minor inconsistency in your comedy argument."
Maddox: Yeah! (they laugh)
Dick: What could it possibly be?
Asterios: "It simply brings me no pleasure to raise this; however…"
Dick: Mhmm. Go ahead. (annoyed)
Maddox: It pains me to say this, Dick. (Asterios and Dick laugh)
(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)
Dick: Fuckin' asshole! (laughing)
Maddox: (sighs) Ah, I love me. Alright. Uh, it's…it pains me to say this, but…
(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")
(they crack up laughing)
Maddox: Dammit!! DAMMIT!!!
Dick: I got…he sent me his sound effects. (grins) I got those now.
Maddox: Tim is not here…(Dick laughs) That's not fair! Strike that! Strike that from the record, Sean!!
Maddox: Alright, here we go. Uh…so I looked into your source, the 1 in 7 drivers.
Maddox: You brought in a horseshit PR ad. That was an ad for an insurance company. Did you know that?
Dick: Yeah. (they crack up)
Maddox: Okay. No need to go on, then.
Dick: Yeah, I did. (grins)
Maddox: It was an ad for an insurance company.
Dick: Well, I think it's…I think it's true, though.
Maddox: It's not. It's not.
Dick: You know, that's still…it still could be true. Who knows? (grins)
Asterios: But…but don't ads get to the greater truth of everything?
Dick: Yeah, exactly. Exactly.
Asterios: I mean, yeah. You know? It's like, uh…I mean, just think about it. Uh…
Dick: Like, isn't Disneyland the happiest place on Earth?
Dick: Is that NOT true?
Asterios: And the iPhone. It just works.
Dick: Yeah, it does. It just works.
Maddox: Yeah! Except it overheats. It freezes all the time. Apps don't load. It crashes. It reboots. It vibrates when you set it on silent. It ruins the podcast when you don't want it to!!!
Dick: I don't think it ruins the podcast!!
Maddox: Well, you know.
Asterios: Isn't this podcast being recorded on an Apple laptop right now?
Maddox: Yeah, that crashes all the time!
Asterios: Ahhhhhhh. (Maddox laughs) I dunno.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Asterios: 'Cause that laptop's responsible for your successful podcast, is all I'm saying.
Maddox: Yeah. (inaudible while they all talk over each other)
Asterios: By the way, speaking of…
Dick: …the music you listen to, also.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. Oh, speaking of Disney. I went to Disney World last we…I haven't…I'm two episodes behind. I apologize. I went to Disney World two weeks ago. Had the fucking time of my life! What don't you guys like about Disney World?
Dick: I didn't have a problem with it.
Maddox: I…never complained about Disney World.
Asterios: Okay, good.
Maddox: I've never…first of all, I've never been to Disney World.
Maddox: Uh…and Disneyland…
Asterios: (interjects) It's awesome.
Maddox: Some of the rides at Disneyland are fun.
Maddox: It's…you know.
Dick: Which ones…which ones…
Asterios: I saw the Electric Light Parade…
Dick: …are your favorite?
Maddox: I like, uh…what's it, Scream Mountain? Star Mountain? Space Mountain. Space Mountain! That's the one.
Asterios: Hyper…now it's Hyperspace Mountain, because Star Wars is takin' it over.
Maddox: Oh. Of course.
Asterios: It's made it better. Like it makes everything better. Showerheads, foods…
Maddox: Ohhhh. Yeah, your bottle of water! Which, you can go to the 99 Cent Store and pick up a bottle of water that's branded with Star Wars. Changes absolutely nothing. Cheapens the brand!
Asterios: Only 99 cents, that's a steal. I'll be right back, guys. I gotta go to the 99 Cent Store and buy some midichlorian-infused water!
Dick: I got some comments about backseat drivers.
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Uh…Phil Rules said, "You made the joke about backseat running in Kenya." Right? 'Cause that's…backseat drivers, I think, are…I think have a brain dysfunction.
Asterios: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Like, I think they should be into BDSM.
Asterios: They need control. They need…yeah! The DSM-7 just came out. I tried…
Dick: Right between Tourette's and being retarded. Right?!
Asterios: I don't know if…I don't know if being retarded is in the DSM-7.
Dick: I don't know. I'm not a doctor, but it should be in there. That's my point.
Dick: Is backseat driving should be in there. It's a mental deficiency.
Asterios: If I'm driving and someone…
Dick: (interjects) That should be treated with intense shock therapy.
Asterios: Well, I…(giggles) I…again, you're right for a little while and then you're wrong again. Uh, look. If someone's backseat driving me, it fucking drives me crazy. It'll probably make me drive worse. Like…
Dick: Well, 1 in 7 people say that they do drive worse, according to that advertisement that I brought in last week.
Asterios: Sounds like a…
Maddox: You know…
Asterios: …solid statistic, at least for me.
Maddox: Yeah, it's not. And I looked into your other source, Dick. The Psychology Today article? NO studies cited in there. Not a single study was cited in there. It's just all anecdotal and it's…(stammers)
Dick: No, it's experts' opinions.
Maddox: I…don't want anecdotal evidence, here.
Dick: It's not anecdotes!
Maddox: It IS!!! It is entirely anecdotes!
Dick: A psychologist says, "You might be codependent."
Maddox: But you didn't link to any studies!
Dick: They're psychologists giving their opinion about a mental disorder of backseat driving.
Maddox: That doesn't mean they're right!
Sean: They've studied this for years!
Maddox: No, but they…they…I looked…I looked for the specific studies. (Dick giggles) There were no linked studies. I didn't see anything in there.
Sean: So if somebody gave you advice, like, on you.
Asterios: (interjects) I'm sorry. Lemme…
Sean: Would you go, "You need to…"
Dick: (interjects) Where's the study?
Sean: "…do an extended study on me."?
Maddox: Not necessarily. But if you're…if you're saying this is a solid gold hard evidence, right? That this is…
Asterios: (interjects) Like the hard evidence Dick always brings in.
Dick: (scoffs) Yeah.
Asterios: On a comedy podcast. (Dick laughs) The unimpeachable Dick Masters…his name is DICK MASTERSON!!! Why are you trusting him!?!?!
Dick: (interjects) How could there be evidence for a psychologist's opinion?
Maddox: It's called studies. They would link to studies that they've done with tests, and variables…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, I know! I…there was one with the blood thing!
Maddox: I checked! That wasn't a study! It was an anecdote.
Dick: No, no, no. It wasn't an anecdote, it was a study of…it was a survey…I'm sorry. Not a survey. It was a study of people who would rather take their own blood. They would rather prick their own finger or have a certified technician do it. And backseat drivers would rather do it themselves.
Maddox: Right. That wasn't a study. It was an anecdote in Psychology Today, and the guy's name is Burgher, Professor Burgher, and I looked it up, and the only thing he's known for…he did a recreation of the Milgram experiment. But that study's not linked anywhere. It's not..it's not there. I looked into it.
Dick: Someone loves doing…someone loves being a backseat driver too much. That's what this is.
Maddox: Yeah. So here's the…
Dick: (interjects) You really need to be a backseat driver.
Maddox: All the people…
Asterios: (interjects) You're being a backseat driver to all of his stats!! (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Yeah, you are! (laughing)
Maddox: I don't even know what that means.
Asterios: It got a laugh! (Dick cracks up) So don't worry about it! (laughing)
Maddox: I…I…so, here's the thing. When I backseat drive…(Dick groans) I usually only do it…
Asterios: (interjects) Mhmm…
Maddox: Look, it's a little annoying when people are hounding you to go a little bit faster. I get it. That's fine.
Dick: Yeah. Okay.
Maddox: But I usually only do it when I see a serious potential danger.
Sean: Oh, yeah. He's a considerate backseat driver.
Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: You're right! Thank you, Sean!
Dick: It's for all of us. It's for all of us. Like there's a UFO about to crash into you, watch out.
Maddox: Yeah, Rainslick Dick, maybe you should listen to advice!!
Asterios: OHOHOHO!!! (laughing) My God!
Maddox: Maybe you should listen to your advice. Here's the thing. I got…
Sean: (interjects) That's called a warning.
Sean: What you do. If you only do it in case of emergency.
Dick: Yeah, that's not backseat driving.
Maddox: (they all talk over each other) Exactly! Thank you, Sean. That's exactly what it…I warn them!!!
Dick: It's a warning of imminent danger. You don't do that.
Maddox: I warn them. I do. I do.
Dick: Reaching across the seat to honk at a guy who's not making a left is not a warning of imminent danger.
Maddox: That's not what happened. (background giggling)
Asterios: Did you…did you do that?
Dick: That is what…he did it to ME in my car.
Asterios: Ohoho. This is great!
Maddox: No, that's not what happened.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, he did.
Asterios: May…may I just say that regardless of whether or not he's got a bunch of facts…(Dick snorts, laughs) I mean, can't we just all agree that backseat drivers are annoying and it's a problem?
Maddox: They can be! Look, I've been annoyed by them.
Asterios: They can be. (giggles)
Maddox: I've been…no, they can be. And I've been driving one time. And someone in the backseat, literally in the backseat was, like…
Maddox: "Hey, uh..be careful, uh, you know, you're driving pretty aggressively."
Dick: You're gonna spill your soup.
Maddox: And I…no. (background laughter) I wasn't carrying soup.
Asterios: My correspondence is gonna fly out the window! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: I…I stopped and I asked the person. I said, "Um, have you ever been in an accident?" And, uh…
Dick: Okay, that's weird.
Maddox: …and she goes, "Yeah." I said, "Well, I haven't."
Maddox: Yeah, I think I know what I'm doing.
Dick: Someone's not getting a BJ that night.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) I guess so.
Sean: OR…you should have said, "You wanna get in another one?" (they all laugh)
Asterios: I thought that's what you were gonna say! I thought you were gonna go full on Breaking Bad and cause a car accident. (giggles)
Maddox: No. I…I…
Asterios: To win an argument!
Dick: Here's a guy that agrees with you. Ivan Riley says, "I saved my family's lives with backseat driving. I live in the UK and we drive on the correct side of the road…" Fuck you. Uh …"We were in France and my dad was driving on the wrong side of the road. I told him when I realized. He had no fucking clue that there was another car. Big problem, but sometimes, it can save your life."
Maddox: It totally can. Especially with my dad. My dad is…all over the road when he drives.
Maddox: So we need to…we need to tell them.
Dick: So father like son.
Maddox: No. My dad…my dad is…you know, I'm an aggressive driver, but I'm safe. But my dad is, um…I wouldn't even say aggressive. It's almost like, um…he's in and out of lanes. That sort of thing.
Asterios: He's like a weaver.
Maddox: He's too old. He's 87 years old.
Maddox: So he's gonna be all over the pl…yeah.
Dick: Ooh, yeah.
Asterios: I have a…just a quick question, before we move on. If you…gave your dad advice from the backseat about how he should drive, how might he react? (Dick snorts)
Maddox: He probably wouldn't hear me. He's, like, mostly deaf in one ear. He probably wouldn't even hear.
Asterios: Aw, okay. So he wouldn't punch you in the throat and throw you out the car.
Maddox: No, I don't think so.
Dick: He should.
Asterios: Mkay, well he should.
Maddox: I got a comment here from Damien Graves. He says, "I haven't laughed so hard in a while. You can tell Dick brought him just to annoy Maddox." He's talking about Tim Chainz.
Dick: Oh, yeah. He was great! What are you…as an audio engineer, did he do a good job filling in? Was the fidelity of the recording okay?
Sean: Well, yeah. 'Cause I set up all the gear. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I mean alright. Let's not get into…let's not start taking credit for another man's work. Tim Changz did a great job.
Sean: Did…did he push the button?
Dick: Uh, I pushed the button.
Sean: Okay, good.
Maddox: Well, I…I thought he was just really annoying with those sound drops. Uh, I got another comment from Duncan Maballs. He says…
(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")
Maddox: Dammit! (Dick cracks up)
Asterios: Ahh. That's his latest Tim Changz sound drop, sorry.
Maddox: It's haunting me!! Duncan Maballs says, "I think I might set that Tim Changz sound clip at my text tone." There's a lot of people who were asking for it. You can…(stammers) go ahead and play it once!
Dick: Nah, I got some voice mails about Tim Changz.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Goddamn it, Maddox! I'm 20 seconds in and I'm already hearing some Blasian-ass guy from…from (inaudible) of his DJ and his skills and all that fucking shit!! (Dick giggles) Goddamn it! Get Sean back!! Sean, bring your white, pasty ass back up to the goddamn radio! Don't you ever get replaced by this guy! (Dick laughs) Alright? Dj Will Chainz, or whatever. GOD! Fuck you guys! (Maddox giggles) Fuck you Dick…uh…have an asshole. Bye!")
Dick: Have an asshole!
Asterios: Have an asshole!
Maddox: Have an asshole.
Asterios: Bye-bye! (Asterios guffaws)
Dick: Alright, here's a voice mail.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Never have DJ Tim Changz… (Dick guffaws) zzz..zzzz…on your show again, ever."
Dick: I liked him.
"He's the Jar Jar Binks of your show."
Asterios: He was great.
Dick: Oh, nerd!
Dick: Nerd alert.
"Bring back the ass farmer as soon as possible.")
Maddox: He sounds so flustered. (he sounds bored out of his mind) (Dick giggles)
Asterios: What did you think of Tim, Paige? What did you think of Tim Changz? You're a fan of the show.
Paige: I really liked it. I liked the BRRR, BRR, BRR part the best!
Maddox: Ugh, geez, Paige!
Dick: You liked this part?
(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")
Maddox: Oh, my gosh! No more!!
Asterios: Huh? We have a fan of the show right here. She liked them, just sayin'.
Maddox: I got a comment from Matthew Gordon. He says, "Tim Chainz. I almost stopped listening when I heard Sean was gone. Now all I want to do is sign up for radio class to work on my garage band skills."
Dick: Have you been to radio class?
Dick: Is it a thing?
Sean: I have no idea.
Dick: (giggles) Okay.
Sean: Radio class? I dunno. Maybe at, like, a community college, or something.
Dick: Uh, I got some voicemails for Asterios, too. I saved them.
Asterios: Oh, wow.
Dick: For the next time you would come in. It's…people really like you.
Asterios: Oh, great.
Dick: Yeah. Lemme see. Lemme see, here. Okay. Here we go.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, this is Amanda Todd. This is how I talk. Just wanted to ask if you guys could please stop bringing in Asterios Kokkinos on your show… (Maddox laughs)"
Dick: Oh, shit, that's the wrong one.
"Make him go back home to his wife and help hold her purse…"
Dick: I'm sorry. (giggles)
"I mean, Christ. He makes me wanna drink another gallon of bleach again."
Maddox: Do it!
Asterios: Yeah, that'd be great.
"And Dick…thanks for supporting Trump.")
Dick: Ohhhh, alright. Well, that explains a lot.
Maddox: Ohhhh. A Trump supporter doesn't like Asterios. That explains everything!
Dick: Uh, go ahead.
Asterios: No, I just don't know why you would bring on a voice mail that would hurt my feelings.
Asterios: (interjects) Hopefully the rest of these are more positive.
Dick: That was an accident! Uh, well this one…your mom called in.
Asterios: Oh, oh. Cool, mom!
Dick: So she's…yeah. She's only positive.
Asterios: Well, yeah.
(Voice mail: clearly male voice, similar to Dr. Girlfriend: "Asterios, this is your mother!" (Maddox giggles) "We've been talking lately and he told me I don't know how many times…you know…this is a big, big problem in the universe, which doesn't make sense to me. Why would you be a big problem? You're my baby."
Asterios: That's right. (Maddox and Dick laugh)
"Anyway. I only heard you on a couple episodes, unless you're cleverly disguising yourself as this…Nick Gasterson, with this…this…(stammers) This Mad Ox guy. Anyhow. I just wanted to say that how come I haven't heard you on it?! You're not lying to me again, are you?"
Asterios: No, Mom.
"You're paying your bills, right?"
"Cause last time we talked, you asked me for money for things that you said you were doing a long time ago."
Asterios: I'm just…yeah.
Dick: That's not…
"Anyway. I would like to encourage anybody listening right now to support my baby and go to www.youtube.com..."
"And look up Admiral Ackbar's Snackbar.")
Dick: Alright, alright. Enough with the…
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: She sounds like a nice lady.
Asterios: Well, she is nice!
Maddox: You know…you know who…
Asterios: She's my mom!
Sean: I didn't know your mother was an old Jewish woman!
Maddox: (giggles) You know who she sounded like?
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: " And who are you, GAY?")
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: " Crazy.")
Maddox: (laughing) Angelo's Mom!
Dick: Sounds a little nicer than Angelo's mom.
Asterios: Uh, yeah. Mom…thanks for calling. That's nice of you. And I would hope that people go to my…that was really nice. Thank you.
Maddox: Ah. She plugged Admiral Ackbar's Snack Bar!
Asterios: She plugged Admiral Ackbar…well, she's my mom. I hope she would. That's cool.
Maddox: Oh. Very sweet of her.
Dick: Hey, I actually have to call YOU out.
Dick: About something. (giggles)
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Maddox: Cathy. (cracks up)
Dick: Here's a…here's a comment…
Asterios: (interjects) Cathy!!
Dick: …from Brandon Ellis.
Maddox: Is that…the way he shook his head looked like a Cathy comic.
Dick: Yeah. (Asterios snorts) "How can Maddox bitch at the minutiae of five lost seconds using a mouse, but then scoff at Dick's stats about time loss looking for a remote?"
Dick: How about that?
Maddox: I…I brought…(giggles)
Dick: I know you're a fan of efficiency. I would have thought you hate lost remotes!
Maddox: Yeah. I brought that comment in, too, actually. Because…I think that lost remotes, first of all, they never affect me. I never lose my remote. It's always in the living room. Why would it ever be anywhere else? I don't go to the bathroom and take the remote with me. I don't go into the kitchen and make a sandwich and take the remote with me. I don't take the remote anywhere outside of the living room, 'cause it's pointless. There's…I never lose it. And second…it's an incompetence problem. (Asterios cracks up) You know, any time I've had a friend who constantly loses keys or a cell phone, or whatever the fuck it is, I tell them the same thing, same advice. And I'm gonna tell it to you, and anyone else who's losing the remote. Get a system. Figure out…(Dick giggles) put your thing that you're losing in the same place, always!
Dick: Hold on. Lemme write this down. (they crack up) Number one. Get a system.
Maddox: Yeah. You that?
Maddox: You got that, Brandon Ellis?
Dick: Well, let's go slow. Lemme just start working on that one. Get a system.
Dick: I'm not gonna do that.
Dick: Alright. You wanna get to some problems?
Maddox: Let's do it.
Maddox: Go ahead, Dick.
Dick: My first problem is…it's a big one. This way…way bigger than half of the problems on the top 10 list. Okay? I'm dead serious about that, so pull up the webpage and get ready to vote. This is not a joke. The problem is "Not Enough Toilets". Don't play a fucking…(background clapping) don't play a stupid sound effect. (clapping continues) This is absolutely true…this is a huge…
(Sound effect: Booo!)
Dick: Goddamn it. (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: Wait, why did they..why were they clapping and then booing? They sound like a real confused audience.
Dick: This is a…this is a serious problem. This is a human health issue! This is a health issue. This is not just because I almost piss in my pants every time I'm out in Hollywood and don't wanna go on the street with all the bums. Right? This is not a personal gripe!
Sean: It's probably an economical problem for you.
Dick: What do you mean?
Sean: Well, I mean, if you were to save, like, 10 pair of underwear every year…
Dick: Okay. No, nevermind. (Sean and Maddox crack up) I forgot I…sorry I asked.
Asterios: Can I…hey, I'm so sorry. I just…I wanna bring something up real quick. It seems like you pee and poo your pants a lot. Like, more than a lot of people do. Do you think you pee and poo your pants more than the average person?
Dick: I would…no, not pee.
Asterios: Oh, just poo.
Dick: Yeah. I…(stammers) I shit in my pants way more than an average person, sure.
Asterios: Why…what's going on?
Dick: It's a…mixture of liquor and overconfidence. Oh! Alcoholism! Is this, like, an intervention!? (Asterios guffaws) What do you mean, what's going on?!
Maddox: Yeah, Dick, Sean's not recording this, actually. (Asterios cracks up) This is an intervention.
Maddox: We call came here today…
Dick: What do you mean, what's the problem!? (Asterios laughing)
Maddox: Mrs. Masterson, come on in!! (they crack up)
Dick: Is it…is anyone confused on that?! (Asterios and Maddox continue to laugh) Yes. It causes permanent running damage to your…you know, insides.
Dick: Rot…rotgut, I think they called it.
Asterios: Look. I'm new to alcoholism. And I'm just kinda looking for some tips.
Dick: Oh, buddy, you're gonna love it.
Asterios: Okay! (background laughter)
Dick: Embrace it! Embrace it, don't be ashamed of it. You shouldn't be ashamed of shitting your pants now and then…
Dick: It's good. It builds character!
Asterios: I carry around…birthday cake flavored vodka in my briefcase now. Like, is that, like, a good start, do you think?
Dick: No. You got…it's gotta be regular vodka.
Dick: But that's a good start.
Asterios: Because the birthday…it tastes REALLY good. (grins)
Dick: Yeah, that's…that's wrong. You shouldn't be happy when you drink.
Dick: It shouldn't taste good. It should taste painful.
Dick: You need to be imbibing the pain.
Dick: Right? It's…you gotta graduate to Scotch or something like that.
Asterios: I have a lot of strawberry daiquiris, too.
Sean: And you…and you have to find a drink that you can order anywhere in the world and it'll be there.
Dick: Anyway. 2.4 billion people on the planet do not have access to adequate sanitation.
Maddox: So this is not largely an American problem, right? This is mostly, like, third world.
Dick: This is…I would say it's 50/50.
Dick: This is a…this is a…this is 2.4 billion people around the world don't have access to adequate sanitation, and also…in America…people are pricks about using the bathroom.
Asterios: What do you mean?
Dick: Well, like, you go…you know. You go into a McDonald's. Or I…I was in a Popeye's, for example.
Dick: Walk in, like, "Hey, can I use the restroom?" "No, customers only."
Asterios: Ohhhhhhhhh, yeah.
Dick: Oh, man. Come on. Fuck you.
Maddox: Dude. I am the bathroom circumventer, man. I am the bathroom cockblock circumventer. You cockblock me in the bathroom, I'm gonna shit. I'll find a way!
Dick: What the hell does that mean? What do you mean?
Sean: Yeah, right out in the leaves. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Shut up, Sean…I'll give you a description of that, Sean, make you vomit! Make you dry heave all over the place!
Sean: I almost did.
Sean: For real.
Asterios: The bathroom circumventer. (grins)
Asterios: I feel like that's a nickname you've had for yourself for a while. (they laugh) Like, it just rolled off your tongue!
Maddox: Uh, no. I find a way to get to use their bathroom.
Dick: What does that mean? What do you mean? What do you do?
Maddox: Well, uh…I tell them…first of all, if they say they don't have a bathroom, I'm like, "Come on, man. Where do you shit?" Right? (Asterios laughs) Where do you go? Where do you go to the bathroom?
Dick: Where do you go?
Maddox: And I tell 'em, "Look. I know…I know your concern. I know you're afraid that you're gonna walk in after I'm done and there's gonna be just, like, shit smeared all over the walls.
Maddox: And on the mirror, and underneath the door handle.
Sean: They're more afraid of you planting explosives.
Maddox: Shut up, Sean! (Dick cackles) Not funny, dickhead!!
(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)
Maddox: Ass! Go back to prison! (laughs)
Dick: Not all…(they crack up)
Asterios: If only he'd gotten his ass farmer's license like a real ass farmer did, he wouldn't have gone to jail.
Dick: Yeah. It's not all Muslims, Sean. Go…what's the…(Sean cracks up)
Maddox: Ugh. (sighs) No, you know what? I go to hotels. Fancy hotels. And I look like I belong. I walk into a fancy hotel, they say, "Right this way, Mr. Maddox." Right…go ahead. Go take a shit.
Asterios: They know your…they know your name?
Maddox: They know my…yeah. They do.
Dick: They don't have a problem letting you use the bathroom at a fancy hotel!?
Maddox: Yeah, I just walk right in. I go…I always go to a hotel. I go to a restaurant. A McDonald's. A Carl's Jr. A Chevron.
Maddox: Any of these places.
Dick: That's a bit of a walk for people in India. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Okay, that's what I…that's what I got. No, you're right about the bathroom circumventing thing.
Dick: That's also a big problem. I was in…I was in a Popeye's a couple weeks ago, and this bum was…asking if he could use the bathroom, to the guy behind the counter. And he's like, you know, he's in bad shape. He's a bum.
Dick: There's tons of bums in Hollywood. He says, "Can I use the bathroom?" And the guy said, "No, no. Customers only." 'Cause they got a token system there, so you can't circumvent it, unless you try to piss through the keyhole.
Maddox: Right. (Asterios giggles)
Dick: Or whatever.
Dick: Right? Cause they got a token system. Uh, no. Customers only. So I was like…I was right there…looking at the guy. Weird…(stammers) I felt this weird feeling…I don't know how to describe it. Like, I want…like he was feeling bad and I wanted him to feel less bad.
Asterios: You talking about empathy?
Maddox: Empathy is the word you're lo…yeah.
Dick: Is that what that is?
Dick: Okay. And I was like, "Aw man. Like, give…give me the token." I was like, "Hey, just hold on. Dude. Give me the token, I gotta go. I'll give it to him. And we'll be fine." Right? Then the system will be in place. And he's like, "No we can't. Cause they mess up the bathroom."
Dick: They, the homeless people. And I was like, "Oh, c…" So, I turned to the guy, and I said, "You're not gonna mess up the bathroom, are you?" (Asterios cracks up) And he goes…he goes, "Fuck this shit!" And I said, "Okay, the system works. You're right."
Maddox: Yeah. Of course he's gonna mess up the bathroom. (Asterios laughs)
Dick: I'm…I'm sorry that I almost caused you a bunch of labor…cleaning this maniac's feces.
Dick: And urine off of the bathroom. You're right. I'm sorry. Fuck you. Go in the street. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Well.
Asterios: Uh, since I've been back in Los Angeles, I've been going to a lot of coffee shops n' shit, and, uh…a guy definitely walked into a café the other day…a homeless guy, carrying an entire giant couch cushion over his…over his head, like, on both shoulders. And he walks in, and he's like, "I wanna use the bathroom."
Dick: Okay. (giggles)
Asterios: And the manager goes, "You need to leave right now." (they giggle) And he went, "Alright." And he just walked out. (background giggles) And I just love the image of the cushion man and this manager do this dance, like, five times a day.
Maddox: Yeah. And he knows…he knows he's not welcome.
Dick: He knows.
Asterios: He's just being a jerk.
Dick: He's got a hobby.
Maddox: What a…can I tell you one of the few times I was not able to circumvent…
Asterios: Oh, no.
Maddox: Uh, the bathroom cockblocker?
Dick: It wasn't a fancy hotel?
Maddox: It wasn't.
Maddox: It was in Hawaii, on the big island, which I recommend no one go to.
Dick: I think that is just a giant bathroom. (Maddox and Asterios laugh)
Maddox: You would think! But there's, like, fucking nowhere to pull off on the big island.
Sean: The big island's great!
Maddox: What do you like about it?
Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute, you don't need to answer that. That's a tropical paradise! (Asterios cracks up) What do you mean, what do you think about it?!
Maddox: No, no, no!!! No. I'm ta….Oahu's great.
Asterios: Defend Hawaii, please!
Maddox: Honolulu's great, it's fun. Maui's great. But the big island, you go there, and it's like a giant fucking…it's just a volcano. And you can hike down it…
Asterios: Just go to the bathroom in the volcan…what's your problem?
Maddox: 'Cause it takes fucking forever to drive anywhere, 'cause there's TWO LANES, and everyone's driving in the left, slow as fuck!! And no backseat drivers are telling them to speed the fuck up so I can get there and take a shit in the volcano!! (yelling) I can't do anything!!! So…I land in Hawaii, okay?
Asterios: I was about to call the Haole!! (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: I am not…
Asterios: (interjects) You gotta be more ono, buddy.
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Oh, no I don't!
Asterios: Goddamnit, Maddox!
Dick: You gotta watch Lilo and Stitch!
Maddox: Yeah, I've never seen it. So, I landed, right? And the first big city outside of the city near the airport, right?
Maddox: I'll never forget this fucking stop, 'cause these…these pricks, uh…would not let me use their bathroom no matter what, and they said there's Porta-Potties outside. And I went out there, and it looked like fucking…like, if they made a new Silent Hill game, and they wanted to amp it up…(Asterios laughs)
Dick: Oh, man. Alright.
Maddox: They would…they would have to, like…they would have to make it 10 times worse than anything you've ever seen in Silent Hill to make it look like this bathroom. Like, bl…
Dick: Like scary?
Maddox: Like, poopy handprints on the wall!!
Dick: Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Maddox: Just like someone SHIT themselves and then slapped their hand on the wall!
Dick: Yeah, okay. (grins)
Maddox: To leave the biggest handprint possible made out of PURE SHIT!! It's everywhere! It's even on the ceiling!! (Dick cracks up) I just looked inside the door, I'm like, "How the fuck!? WHY?! Why the fuck are you putting poop on the ceiling? It's gonna drip on you, idiot!!"
Sean: It's like the Manson family's retarded siblings.
Maddox: Yeah, I was so pissed. So I went in there, I'm like…I use my usual line, I'm like, "So where do you shit?" And then the guy's like, "Uh, we don't have a bathroom." Same line. I'm like, "Yeah, probably in the coffee. Tastes like shit!" (Asterios giggles) No! Don't go there…it's this tiny little town with one fucking grocery store. Fuck that place! Fuck that island.
Dick: Okay. (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: Alright. (giggles)
Dick: One billion people on Earth still defecate in the open.
Asterios: Oh, gosh.
Dick: Uh, that's…more people have access to cell phones than have access to toilets.
Dick: Think about that. That's horrifying.
Dick: Not enough toilets is a big problem. Women and girls spend 90…lemme make this relatable for you, Maddox. Women and girls spend 97 billion hours looking for somewhere to go to the bathroom. (background giggles) That…all that time is time they could be spending watching your YouTube videos.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, that's true!!
Dick: That's true.
Sean: Is that per woman?!
Sean: Yes. (Maddox giggles) That's what I thought.
Dick: Every day…
Asterios: Sean had the biggest shit-eating grin on his face when he said that!!!!
Dick: Every woman spends 97 billion hours…
Maddox: Hey. I got three little words for you.
Dick: Three little words.
Sean: I knew he'd say yes.
Maddox: Hey, guys. Pop a squat. Huh? Ladies? I…
Dick: Well, see…here's…
Asterios: (interjects) A billion people DO pop a squat…
Dick: Here's the problem. The reason they're doing this is because they're trying to stay away from sexual predators.
Dick: They're trying to find a spot where they can use the restroom…'cause you're vulnerable when you go to the…you know, when you go to the bathroom, you're sitting in that stall taking a deuce, there's a moment there where someone could just come in and grab your pants! In the stall. Tear your pants off, and then they have your wallet! What are you gonna do, chase them!? You're gonna run out of the bathroom chasing them with no pants!? It's the perfect crime!
Maddox: I've thought about that, yeah. (Asterios laughs)
Dick: Go to the airport…you've thought about this as well!
Maddox: I…yeah. If I was gonna be a criminal, I would totally rob people while they're taking a shit!
Sean: That's why you should always take a shit running at full speed. (Asterios cracks up)
Dick: Sure. You can pretend to be the bathroom attendant, right? "Oh, sir. Right this way." That's the perfect alibi. You grab their pants.
Asterios: Oh, my God.
Dick: Throw them in the trash. Then you put your…you…you, like, I dunno. Put some kind of sneaky burglar gloves on. The guys runs out and the guy…went that. He ran out of the restroom with your pants.
Dick: Point 'em that way. Look. I'm…it's very vulnerable, going to the bathroom.
Dick: That's all I'm saying.
Asterios: Look, I agree with you. I just wanted to point out that it's interesting to me that you both have independently thought a great time to rob someone would be while they were on the toilet.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Asterios: You both thought that at different points in time.
Dick: Is that…
Asterios: It's just interesting to me.
Dick: Is that not a normal thing to think?
Asterios: I've never thought about it.
Dick: You've never thought about that?
Maddox: You never think…
Asterios: Never thought about the best time to rob someone!
Maddox: Asterios…if you…
Asterios: (interjects) While they were going number two!! (laughs)
Maddox: If you want to be prepared, you have to think of the scenarios!
Dick: Yeah, exactly.
Asterios: Okay. Alright.
Maddox: That's why…that's why Dick did it, too, right?
Maddox: To…to be prepared.
Dick: You always have to be prepared.
Maddox: Yeah. Always…(stammers) you're a Boy Scout! That's what they teach you…what..what badge…you get a badge for that.
Asterios: There's…you get some…
Dick: (interjects) I don't know.
Asterios: You get a merit badge for figuring out ways to rob people on the toilet?
Dick: Yes. The psychopathy badge.
Asterios: Oh, okay. (grins) Well, I didn't get that badge, but…
Asterios: Well, I'm…
Maddox: (interjects) The psychopathy badge. (giggles)
Sean: What the fuck was that? (giggles)
Asterios: It's a good reference to something. It sounded smart. (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: I don't…I don't know, Sean. (laughing)
Asterios: (interjects) Psychopathy! Psychopathy!!
Maddox: No, no. (laughing) He's not t…(laughing) He's not talking about that.
Asterios: Oh. Why, did someone fart into a microphone?
Sean: (giggles) Might as well have?!
Asterios: What happened?! Did I do something!?
Sean: I…well, I hope you wouldn't know.
Dick: I have no idea what's going on. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: It's fine, go on.
Sean: (laughing) Fucking Maddox.
Dick: Poor sanitation increases the risk of disease, malnutrition, especially for women and children. God! I don't know why. That's just what they say! Uh…diarrhea. Let's see…(background giggling)
Asterios: Hey guys, uh…(Maddox giggles) I just…
Dick: (interjects) The second biggest killer…
Dick: …of children in developing countries is diarrhea.
Asterios: Diarrhea, huh? Wait…
Dick: And that's obviously… shitting in the open is a huge cause of diarrhea.
Asterios: So diarrhea is a big…so, like, poop…poop-related issues is, like, a biiiiig problem.
Dick: Well, it's like the Oregon Trail out there.
Asterios: Oh yeah, exactly.
Dick: You know. You get…
Asterios: You get dysentery.
Dick: …diarrhea. Dysentery. You're dead.
Asterios: Yeah. Do you know anything about…about, uh…butt problems? Uh, do you have any comments on that, Maddox?
Maddox: No, I got a real…I got a real solid gut!! I…I never have any butt problems.
Maddox: My butt works just fine. Although, uh…what? (giggles) What, Sean?
Dick: Why are you guys giggling?
Asterios: I think…
Dick: (interjects) Clue us in. Somebody just say what happened.
Asterios: I think…Maddox farted big time.
Maddox: Yeah, it was a pretty big fart. (Asterios cracks up) Not enough bathrooms, it's a big problem! Vote it up, guys! Dick, I'm with you!
Asterios: Now you agree with him. (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: Now that it directly affects you.
Maddox: Oh, it affects all of us in just a minute, buddy.
Asterios: Oh, NO!!! (laughs) Goddamnit! We gotta get outta here.
Dick: It's destroying our cities, too.
Asterios: What? How?!
Dick: People pissing in the cities. Listen to this. There was a dude in San Francisco, driving down the street one day, maybe going to an anti-gun, gay parade, or something like that? I don't know where he was going. They didn't say.
Asterios: It's a pretty packed parade!
Sean: A gay parade. (giggles)
Asterios: Anti-gun gay parade!!
Dick: I don't know.
Asterios: Against global warming!
Dick: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Dick: And then all of a sudden, a street light falls on his car while he's driving and totals it. No backstre…no backseat driving in the world could prevent that, right? A street light falling on your car?
Maddox: Ah, maybe. You say, "Hey, pay attention, stop texting."
Dick: You grab the wheel?
Maddox: Yeah, I'll grab the wheel!
Dick: And swerve?
Maddox: I'll save you!!
Dick: Well, it turns out, the street light had become so corroded.
Dick: Because bums were pissing on it.
Asterios: Oh, my God!!
Dick: That it just dropped right on this guy's car.
Dick: So our infrastructure is falling…things…roads could be falling apart! Bridges could be falling apart because of guys pissing on them!
Maddox: Dick, I was going to mention this. Because I see this as a big problem, but not from humans, but from dogs. Because I walk around everywhere in…look. Here's the thing. In Hollywood, everyone is FUCKING obsessed with their dogs. They have…dogs, dogs, dogs, dogs. Everywhere dogs! They carry them with them to grocery stores! To department stores. To restaurants!
Maddox: To..to the doctor's office! Oh, I gotta carry my poodle with me, you know, because everyone…everyone is too emotionally fragile and they need their comfort animals with them.
Dick: It's disgusting.
Maddox: Yeah. And then those…those dogs are always the ones pissing all over posts. And signs. And lamps, and things like that.
Maddox: Not b…bums go in alleys.
Dick: Uh, no. Bums go right…bums..(giggles)
Asterios: Yeah. Have you been to…
Dick: …don't have a lot of shame, man.
Asterios: Have you been to San Francisco? One time, I saw a guy peeing into a baby carriage. (Dick laughs)
Asterios: (interjects) I'm absolutely not kidding.
Maddox: Asterios, that was…(Dick talks over him, inaudible) Why didn't you say "Hi."
Dick: Were you at a anti-gun gay parade when you…(giggles)
Asterios: Well, I was there, so, yes. (giggles) Um…yeah. No…
Maddox: (interjects) That was me, buddy! Why didn't you say hi to me? (laughs)
Asterios: Oh, I woulda said hi. We coulda gone to the…the Tender Loin and hung out. Um…I have to agree with…I gotta agree with all of this. This is all ridiculous!
Dick: Look, here's what needs to happen. Here's what needs to happen.
Asterios: Oh, wait, what's gonna happen?
Dick: There needs to be some kind of innovation in the field of pay toilets in big cities.
Dick: Okay? You know what I'm saying?
Dick: There needs to be…
Maddox: Well, there is.
Dick: Well, what?
Maddox: Are you gonna talk about that?
Dick: I have no idea what you're thinking.
Maddox: Oh, absolutely, yeah. In…in London and Tokyo, they have pay bathrooms. And you pay a premium for it, because they're really clean. They're kept up. They're really nice, they're private, and they're in the middle of uh…middle of the urban environments that you need to use a restroom. You pay a dollar or two, you go in there, you use it. You leave, and someone goes in there and cleans up after you. It's…it's wonderful. It's a really good system.
Dick: That sounds great.
Maddox: Right? Paid..paid…
Dick: (interjects) I don't know why it doesn't work here.
Maddox: You, uh…you spent some time in Japan…in Tokyo, right? They have these…these restrooms, right?
Paige: Yeah. And it's exactly as you described. You pay and you…use the restroom. And, uh…it's really incredibly clean and really nice.
Maddox: Have you ever used one?
Paige: I have, umm…
Dick: Number one or number two?
Dick: Okay. It's important.
Paige: And I highly recommend the talking…
Asterios: The combo!
Paige: …the talking toilets are super great. The super toilets. They're…
Asterios: Wait…what do the talking toilets say?!!?
Paige: The super toilets, uh…it's like a bidet, and then it, like, sings to you, to cover up all of your, like, splashy, poopy noises or whatever?
Asterios: Alright. I'm gonna make some…
Paige: It's gorgeous. Really lovely.
Asterios: I'm gonna make some noises right now. Sing the song.
Paige: No! Nononono. There's no specific song, like, sometimes , like, it's birds chirping, or the sound of, like, a brook. It's really lovely. Um, but the worst part, uh…is squatty potties. Those are gross.
Asterios: What is…
Paige: Those are always disgusting.
Asterios: …a Squatty Potty?
Maddox: Oh, you're not a fan of Squatty Potty?
Paige: They're absolutely revolting.
Maddox: You know what, though? Those are the most hygienic, they found.
Paige: They are.
Maddox: (stammers) Dick, have you ever…I was gonna ask you about this. Have you ever used a squatter? You know, just a hole in the ground.
Dick: A hole in the ground?
Dick: To shit in?
Dick: Yes, I've done that.
Maddox: What do you think of those?
Dick: Um, I find it to be undignified.
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay. Well, I'm…
Dick: (interjects) I would like to sit on a toilet. Like a man. (background giggles)
Maddox: I'm c…I'm curious…(Asterios guffaws)
Dick: I want my legs to go numb when I take a shit.
Maddox: Yeah. (Asterios laughs) Sure.
Dick: I don't wanna shit like an animal.
Maddox: Ah, I dunno, man. I think it's kind of…efficient. It's like…(Asterios giggles) you know, I'm about efficiency.
Dick: Mmm, yeah.
Maddox: And there's no…
Dick: (interjects) It's very..it's very efficient, believe me.
Maddox: There's no…the hole?
Dick: Yes. The hole.
Asterios: Wouldn't the most efficient thing just to wear an adult diaper everywhere?! Like…that astronaut lady?!
Sean: He should just get a colostomy bag and be done with it!
Asterios: Yeah, Mr. Efficiency!! That's the Linux of bathrooms, is a colostomy bag!!! (Sean laughs)
Maddox: You know what, Sean?!
(Sound effect: 'Ding!')
Maddox: Correct! I will get a colostomy bag! That's a brilliant idea, asshole! I will! (background giggles)
Asterios: It's also a brilliant idea FOR your asshole. I'm sorry. (Maddox laughs) Let's move on.
Maddox: I'll throw that bag at you, too.
Asterios: Oh, my lord.
Maddox: You know what? I…(laughs)
Asterios: (interjects) Oh, that gives you an offensive weapon you can carry around at any time!!!!!
Maddox: Yeah. And also, how cool would it be to look someone directly in their eyes while you're taking a shit?!
Dick: Okay, wait. I have stats on that!! (Asterios laughs) Uh…(Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Oh, I'm so happy to hear this.
Asterios: We have to end the episode here!!!! (laughs)
Dick: In…in London, somebody built…somebody built toilets with one-way mirrors in them. (Asterios gasps) Where the mirrors would become one way, and you could look…is that what…is it called a two-way mirror or a one-way mirror when you…
Asterios: It's a one-way mirror.
Maddox: One-way mirror.
Dick: Okay, a one-way mirror where you're sitting on the toilet and you…you're basically…you feel like you're totally out in the open.
Maddox: Oh, that's cool.
Dick: You can see everything around you, but nobody can see in.
Maddox: That sounds like it m…
Dick: Or so they say…
Maddox: I would call that a masturbatorium. Yeah, what?
Asterios: Uh, I'd like to, uh…I'd like to bring up. There was another bar in London…uh, where, in the women's bathroom…not in the toilets, but, like, where the women could, like, put on makeup, like above the sinks…there was a one-way mirror, and businessmen could pay a bunch of money to just watch all these, like, hot girls do their makeup and talk and chat and all that. And then women didn't know about it. (giggles)
Dick: You sound way too excited for this anecdote.
Asterios: Uh…well, I'm just saying it's one of my dreams. (Dick laughs) But um…it's just, like, isn't that…that's creepy as hell. Yeah. Just wanted to bring that up.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Crazy!")
Dick: That's my stats.
Maddox: (chuckles) Good stats.
Dick: There you go.
Maddox: Good stats. I like it. Um…I used a…a squatter one time. So I've used it in different countries. And one time I used one and it was SO gross. This…this particular one was pretty gross. Because it was just…literally a hole in the ground that went right into the sewage system. And you could look down and the light was right overhead? So it…it shined, like, a spotlight right down the hole. And you could just see a stream of sewage going right down below you. I saw…I'd look down, and I saw toilet paper. I saw neighbor's poop. I saw everything.
Dick: You saw a baby.
Maddox: Nawww. I mean, um…
Dick: Couple gerbils.
Asterios: A food baby?
Maddox: A food baby, for sure.
Dick: Alright, look. It's a…it's a big problem.
Dick: (interjects) Come on. More people have access to mobile phones than have toilets. We have people running and spending 97 billion hours of their lives looking for toilets?! That's ridiculous!
Asterios: Yeah. I don't think anyone disagrees with you. I think that is a big problem.
Sean: Isn't part of your problem just, you know, proper sanitation? Or…sanitary conditions?
Dick: Sean, it's Not Enough Toilets.
Sean: Like, in the Third World and stuff. (Asterios giggles) Alright.
Dick: There's not enough toilets. I don't c…you know what? Go…grab some toilets from some remodels around Silver Lake. Fly 'em to Africa. Set the toilets in the middle of the Serengeti and just let someone build some plumbing onto it. That's all I'm saying. I just want the toilets to be there, so someone will hook them up! If you bring the toilets, the…
Asterios: (interjects) If you build it, they will…
Sean: (interjects) The infrastructure follows.
Asterios: …they will poop.
Dick: The infrastructure will come.
Sean: Got it. It makes…
Dick: (interjects) I'm sure of that!
Sean: It makes perfect sense.
Dick: Thank you.
Sean: They're not gonna waste just a bunch of sitting shitters, right?
Dick: They're gonna be curious. They're gonna wanna know what these things are! You know what…um…speaking of a great idea…today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. Asterios, have you used…
Dick: …your holiday kit? At all?
Asterios: Yeah. You see this…
Dick: That we gave you?
Asterios: …hot, smooth, shave I've got here?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah, it looks great.
Asterios: Yeah, 'cause I used Harry's razors. No, actually, look. I love that kit that you guys gave me. It's the second kit you guys have given me, and again, it's the only grown-up thing I do, is shave! With that kit. Like, everything else I do is like such a fucking big kid! (laughs) But, like, when I shave with that kit, I'm, like, "Oh, I'm a fucking grownup. This is nice."
Dick: Well, it's a great shave, and it feels great to do. It's German engineered, five-blade cartridges…close…a comfort shave. No cuts or burns. Quality guaranteed! There's a full refund if you're not happy.
Dick: So if you get this blade, and you…and you don't like it. You don't like the way it feels on your face, right? 'Cause it's very important, the feel of the blade on your face.
Dick: It's very important. If you don't like the way it feels, the quality is guaranteed. Full refund if you're not happy! Where else…where can you get that?
Maddox: Yeah. Harry's…Harry's takes care of you.
Dick: You can't…yeah. You can't buy a car and take it back if you're not happy.
Maddox: Ummm…I think there are anti-lemon laws.
Asterios: Well, if it's a lemon…
Maddox: If it's a lemon.
Asterios: Well, alright. Let's talk…
Maddox: (interjects) Harry's doesn't sell you lemons.
Asterios: No, of course not!
Maddox: They sell you a clean shave! You're gonna appr…you're gonna like the way YOU feel!
Asterios: I'm looking forward to that getting cut out of the podcast…(Maddox laughs)
Dick: Which part?
Asterios: The…(they talk over each other)
Maddox: None of it!!
Dick: No, none of it gets cut out!!
Maddox: It's ALL staying!
Asterios: Lemme just say this. Like, uh…before I used Harry's razors, I would just use, I dunno, crappy razors I'd buy at CVS, or whatever. And, like, the problem with those crappy razors is that, like, you know. You use them a couple of times, they get all, you know, clogged up with gunk. You gotta throw 'em away. These Harry's razors, I've noticed…they rinse out, like, so easily. It's like…yeah! Sean's nodding!!
Asterios: It's like every time…
Sean: (interjects) Yep, they actually do. I noticed that, too.
Dick: They do.
Asterios: Yeah, it's…it's like every time I rinse it out, it looks like a brand new razor, like…
Dick: (interjects) I don't have to hammer it on the thing!
Dick: Like I'm trying to get sand outta my shoe after coming back from the beach! It's like, SLICK! Right out!!
Asterios: Yeah, exactly.
Sean: And usually the five-blade ones clog up, too, 'cause they're so close together? But these don't.
Dick: Well, these Harry's razors are great. Go to http://www.harrys.com and use promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to get $5 off your first purchase.
Maddox: Thank you. Thank you for supporting the show, guys! Really appreciate it. And I should say this, too. Harry's sent me a postcard for…
Maddox: For Christmas.
Asterios: Oh, that's nice.
Maddox: Yeah, they just said, "Thanks for supporting the show…thanks for all that you do." And thank you as well for supporting our show. We really appreciate it, guys.
Dick: I didn't get a fucking card.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Asterios: Was it add…it was probably addressed to you both.
Maddox: It was addressed to me. No. It was just…it said, "Maddox."
Dick: Both. No. Yeah.
Dick: Okay. Well..
Dick: I dunno. (mumbles)
Maddox: Yeah, well. (mumbles)
Asterios: Maybe you should…
Dick: (interjects) Write my own card, then.
Asterios: Do it myself!
Maddox: Do you wa…I'll write you…I'll write you a postcard, Dick!!
Dick: Nah, it's too late.
Maddox: Okay. (background giggle) Asterios!!
Asterios: I got a problem.
Maddox: What is it?
Asterios: Alright. I think this is probably another problem that we're not gonna disagree on. Uh…Last Call at bars.
Maddox: Oh, Last Call!!
(Sound effect: 'Ding!')
Dick: I'm leaving.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Asterios: Yeah! 'Cause we're done. It's the biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: That's the biggest problem in the universe.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly. Now, look. I'll bring up some stats, or whatever, but I think it's just really fucking annoying. Like…you're talking to some girl, you're hitting it off…you know, she's not quite drunk enough yet to, you know, kinda look past your face or body…
Asterios: And then all of a sudden, it's 1:50 PM, uh, 1:50 AM, and she gets outta there! I…I ran outta time with this chick! I need more time, goddamn it!!
Asterios: I was nervous!!
Maddox: That's on you…that's on you, though, buddy. I stopped going…
Asterios: (interjects) I blame bars!!
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Asterios: Nothing I do is my fault! The end.
Maddox: Ah, alright.
Dick: Yeah, I'm with you.
Maddox: Well, I guess there's that.
Dick: On everything you said.
Maddox: Uh, no. I stopped going to drink dates, uh, with women.
Maddox: This is a theory of mine.
Asterios: How do you date girls, then?
Maddox: Bec…well, I…I take them to brunch, or lunch, and it's…
Dick: Ugh, my God…
Maddox: a MUCH better date. And I'll tell you why. I'll t…you know what? I'm not gonna go into all the details. Look, man. (Asterios and Dick groan)
Dick: Drink dates!
Maddox: I'm not gonna…I'm not gonna…no, drink dates are awful. And here's why.
Maddox: You go…you meet the girl at…uh, say, 8:00, 9:00, whatever, for drinks.
Maddox: And it puts an artificial time limit on the date. I've gone on dates that have lasted, like, 5-6 hours, and we ended up hooking up that night. And then, uh…hung out the next day and went to the beach, and all this other shit.
Maddox: Those are fun dates! And those are all ones that started earlier, because at night…at 9:00, you know that Cinderella's gotta get back home in her carriage. So…tick tock, fucker!!
Dick: At what time? 9 o'clock?
Maddox: Ahh, usually midnight, the date wraps up, or even last call. And it's like, "Oh well, should I, shouldn't I, uh, I don't know." You have that artificial time limit going.
Asterios: Yeah, but that…
Dick: (interjects) Well, that's a pretty big artificial limit. Five hours!?
Maddox: Well, it depends! Sometimes it's not five hours.
Asterios: (interjects) In New York…
Maddox: 'Cause then you gotta wake up early the next day, too.
Dick: Well, here's a…okay. Lemme ask you this. Here's a little problem with your, uh, brunch dates. Uh…(Asterios laughs quietly) it relegates all your dating to the weekend.
Maddox: Oh. Depends…depends on the type of women. (Dick scoffs) Depends on what they do for…for a living.
Maddox: Uh, if you…
Dick: So if they don't have a JOB…(Maddox laughs) then they're…then your brunch date's really perfecto.
Maddox: Yeah. (Asterios laughs)
Dick: But if you're dating, like, a professional woman…
Maddox: I have done…I have done, uh…a brunch date in the morning and a lunch date in the afternoon, and an early dinner date all in the same day before.
Dick: That sounds like a fucking nightmare to me.
Asterios: What about the artificial…
Dick: Three dates in one day?
Maddox: I was full.
Dick: One…man, one date and I'm ready to blow my brains out.
Sean: Sounds like the Jenny Craig meal plan, or something. (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: Yeah, did you have a delicious shake for dinner? (giggles)
Maddox: No, I ended up…(Asterios giggles) I ended up dating one of the girls. She was very lovely. We…went out a couple times, and…yeah.
Asterios: Lemme just tell you, just a flip side of it.
Asterios: Sort of how inept I am. There's a girl who I was interested in, but she's an alcoholic, and so I can't go out for a drink with her.
Dick: So last day really sucks…last call really sucks for her.
Asterios: Yeah, so I was just, like, I can't. I don't know how I would ask this girl out. I give up. I was just, like, "But if I can't get a drink…"
Dick: Oh, really?
Asterios: "..with her, what would I do?" and then I was, like, "Too hard. I'm tapping out."
Dick: Oh, man.
Dick: No bowling?!
Asterios: 'Cause I was, like, "I'm nervous!"
Dick: Any..anything. Horse race, bowling?
Asterios: Mmmm, well, bowling. Yeah. I'll figure it out later.
Dick: Laser tag? Go to a comic store? I don't know, what kind of girls are you dating, here?
Dick: What did she like?
Maddox: Dick, this is some REAL backhanded comments that Dick is making.
Maddox: Laser tag, comic book store?! (giggles)
Asterios: Those are all cool things!!
Dick: Yeah! That's what…I…
Asterios: Wait, was he insulting me?!
Dick: That's not an insult!!
Asterios: Goddamn it, I love laser tag and comic book stores and bowling!! (yells)
Maddox: Yeah, we know!!! (laughs)
Maddox: We know, buddy! (laughs) (Asterios groans loudly)
Dick: That's not an insult if you like those things.
Asterios: I got razzzzzed!!! (frustrated)
Maddox: Dick, have you ever gone to laser tag with a girl on a date?
Dick: Oh, no!
Maddox: No. (Sean laughs) No. That's…
Asterios: Why not? It sounds cool!
Dick: No, I…well, laser tag sounds like a…
Asterios: (interjects) You could show her how good of a shot you are…
Dick: …horrible thing to me.
Asterios: You could beat a bunch of 12-year-olds.
Asterios: Doesn't that sound cool?
Dick: Um, no.
Maddox: On a first…I dunno, man. Like, here's the thing. That's…that's something you do once you're in the relationship, 'cause then you're…you're bored, and you're sitting around, like, hey…
Dick: (interjects) Also no.
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Maddox: No. You make a good point, Dick. (laughs)
Asterios: Well, lemme talk about last call.
Dick: Please. Please. (they laugh)
Asterios: We've gone so far afield.
Dick: I wanna help you with where to take women, though! 'Cause I'm sure that's a big…that's probably a bigger problem to a lot of people than last call.
Asterios: I'll take any advice you can give me as to where to take girls. I don't know what to do.
Maddox: Kite…kite flying. Go to the beach and fly a kite. It's super fun.
Dick: Yeah, there you go. That's a good one.
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah.
Dick: Go to the dollar store. Chicks love the dollar store.
Maddox: Actually true.
Dick: You say, "Baby, you can pick out five of the finest things here."
Maddox: Five things.
Dick: Pick out five toys.
Dick: Get them a jumbo Snickers bar…
(Sound effect: 'Ding!')
Dick: Christmas ornaments…
(Sound effect: 'Ding!')
Dick: In January…
(Sound effect: 'Ding!')
Dick: (Asterios laughs) Glue! A big bottle of non-Elmer's glue.
Maddox: Oh, yeah, man!
Dick: Like, a glue label that I've never seen before.
Maddox: Glue the shit out of things!
Dick: A four-pack of duct tape.
Asterios: Like Felmer's glue, or something?
Dick: Some soap. They got great soap at the dollar store.
(Sound effect: 'Ding!')
Dick: They l…they love this stuff!!
Maddox: Yeah, dude.
Dick: They LOVE shopping at the dollar store!
Maddox: Listen to Dick.
Asterios: Here's how gullible I am…I'm probably gonna do this.
Dick: Do it!
Asterios: And you're gonna get a text saying, "Thanks for nothing."
Dick: Yeah, great.
Asterios: She had a terrible time. (they all laugh)
Dick: That's on you.
Asterios: This alcoholic chick I took to the dollar store…well, moving on. Uh, so…
Sean: (interjects) I figured that out, though. I figured that out for you.
Sean: So you said she's an alcoholic. So you take her TO a bar, and for every drink you order, you order two for her! (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Asterios: I don't wanna cause a relapse…
Sean: Oh, oh…oh. Okay.
Asterios: I feel like if she's going out with me, she's already hit bottom, so…but, alright. Let's talk about last call.
Sean: I got it. I thought you meant current.
Asterios: Well, let's talk about last call. (Sean giggles) So in 200…2000(stammers) …look. You know what? I don't even need that many stats. Just think about it like this. Alright? Uh…you know, I had to go to driving school once 'cause I got a ticket. And I was told that on Friday and Saturday nights, one in three drivers in Los Angeles is legally drunk. One in three drivers in LA is legally drunk.
Asterios: Well, think about this. If all those drivers are on the road at the same time, then a) they're gonna cause a lot of accidents and deaths…
Asterios: But b) it's like a shooting gallery for the cops! They're…they know the exact time that all the drunks are on the road!
Asterios: And so if you've had a couple to drink…you get out of the bar, they catch you! You're popped ten thousand dollars! Game over! That's terrible!!
Dick: I…I'm sort of with you on that.
Asterios: Mr. Slick, what do you think?
Dick: Yeah. (inhales) Well…I think having a last call encourages people to get shitfaced.
Dick: I think it makes drunk driving a lot worse.
Dick: I don't have any stats to back that up, but I think the…I think as that number, um, lowers from, like, 4 AM to 2AM, 1 AM, like, you go to London…what's last call in London, like…11 PM?
Asterios: (interjects) Well, here's the…no. No.
Dick: Or something ridiculous?
Asterios: It used to be 11 PM, but in 2005, the British government passed a thing called The Licensing Act. It's probably the only good thing Tony Blair did. Which let bars stay open for 24 hours. Now, because that happened, alcohol consumption per person fell 17%, AND, uh…violent crime was down 40%. Fewer binge drinkers. Less fights! Because…there we…because a bunch of…
Dick: (interjects) Because you're not unleashing them on the pop…
Asterios: (interjects) Yeah!!
Asterios: A bunch of drunks didn't go streaming out of bars, angry they couldn't drink anymore, frustrated that they couldn't get laid, and get into a bunch of fist fights!!!
Dick: Can't find a cab.
Dick: Can't get into Ubers, or you're, like, surcharged up the ass at 2.
Maddox: Yeah, surcharges.
Dick: No, that's…there's a lot of wisdom in that.
Maddox: It…yeah. This artificial time limit isn't just bad for dates and dating and getting laid, but also just for social life, and drinking and driving, and all of these problems that arise from it! Yeah. It…(stammers) look, man. America needs to…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, yeah.
Maddox: …follow in Europe's footsteps.
Maddox: When it comes to alcohol.
Maddox: When it comes to alcohol.
Asterios: How about when it comes to…
Maddox: (interjects) For sure.
Asterios: …last call?
Dick: Well, wait a minute. Don't they have a very, very early last call in Europe?
Maddox: Depends on where you go, but in most places…first of all, uh, the legal drinking age is a lot lower.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: So kids…kids have started drinking when they're 16, and when they get to college, they're not binge drinking. They don't give a shit about alcohol, 'cause they know it's always been around. They're like, "Yeah, we can have a wine if we want, or whatever."
Asterios: Yeah, it's not this, like, fetishized thing.
Asterios: Where it's…you know, it's…it's like if your parents tell you not to go out with this girl, it's all you're gonna think about.
Asterios: Like, you know, if someone says, "Don't t…" you know, "Don't touch that." Of course you're gonna wanna touch it. It's like, you know, kids in Greece or in France who've just, you know, had a glass of wine or whatevers…you know, they're…(stammers) when they get old enough, it's not like this thing that they overdo.
Maddox: Yeah. It's been socialized. And it's not this big, taboo thing that they're waiting for.
Asterios: Yeah, you love socialism, right?
Dick: Welll…yeah. But I also love really partying and getting shitfaced.
Asterios: European socialism? (giggles)
Dick: Like, I don't know if being exposed to alcohol at a younger age would make me not want to party my shit off in college.
Maddox: Well, it's also…it's also that thing where people who are sexually repressed…
Maddox: When they finally do hit it…
Asterios: I know.
Asterios: Rum springa!!
Maddox: They go nuts!!
Maddox: Yeah. They go…they go nuts with it. They overdo it. It's…it's anything that you..that you repress so much that you finally have a little taste of, and then you go overboard with. If it's something that's slowly introduced…yeah, okay. It's no big deal. I get it.
Maddox: It's kinda like…candy. As a kid, it was a big fuckin' deal! Oh, Halloween, here it comes! I'm gonna get as much as I can in my pillowcase and go home and eat it all…and (stammers) get a billion cavities and be a fatass! But now, as an adult, I can get candy anytime I want! Sometimes I just buy it and throw it away, in front of kids! I'm like, "Yeah, this is what I can do as an adult."
Dick: Take a girl on that date.
Dick: Buy candy and throw it away in front of kids.
Asterios: That actually sounds pretty cool.
Dick: That's how you…that's how you'll meet your soulmate.
Asterios: I might do that.
Dick: You just do what you…you do your secret desires and see if she's into it, like, "Ah, keep walking."
Asterios: I'll go to the dollar store…
Dick: You know. Swipe left.
Asterios: I'll go to the dollar store, get a bunch of off-brand knockoff candy, like Swix. Or Flickers bars.
Asterios: Throw it away right in front of the kids. And if the chick's into it, I found my soulmate.
Dick: Well…Maddox, you mentioned America.
Dick: And I'm glad you did. Because last call is very offensive to my libertarian sensibilities.
Asterios: It absolutely is.
Dick: It's a…it's about freedom, quite frankly. We should be rioting in the streets about this. The government does not tell ME when to stop drinking!! Only the police do that. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: So, I heard an interesting anecdote. I don't know, Asterios, if you told it to me, or Dick, you told it to me. But I heard the last call in…was invented…it kind of came about in World War II because people wanted their factory workers to not be hung over the next day.
Maddox: So they imposed a last call…so people would stop drinking, and then get a good night's rest so they could continue making bombs or missiles the next day.
Dick: Yeah, that's true.
Asterios: So it's Hitler's fault.
Asterios: So last call is Hitler's fault.
Maddox: Fucking Hitler!
Asterios: So that's how…that should tell you everything you need to know about last call.
Dick: Yeah, it should.
Asterios: And it…just one last thing, like, just the disparity of last call laws is kind of ridiculous. Like, uh…for example, you know, in Nevada…bars can stay open 24 hours. In New York, they stay open until 4 AM. If you are unlucky enough to have been born in Mississippi, it's mid…it can be midnight. In Delaware, it's 12:45 AM. Just like a luck of the…like, roll the dice as to where you're born, it determines, like, how late you can stay out and party and have fun. Um…and in Louisiana, alright, well, there's no…set statewide closing time. Bars can remain open 24 hours a day, seven days a week, unless you're a city that has between 51,000 and 57,000 people in it. In which case, a local ordinance can be passed that mandates that bars close sooner than 24 hours. It's, like, all these little tiny stupid laws that affect how much fun we have. In Utah, the Zion curtain! Can you explain what that is?
Maddox: Yeah! I mentioned this in the Utah episode, when I brought in Utah as a problem? There's this thing called a Zion curtain that Utah legislators started to impose on restaurants. They said that if you had a liquor license, which is also difficult to get…to come by, but if you do, you had to create…you had to mix any cocktails behind this…kind of, like, shaded glass wall. Like a glass…
Maddox: Kind of like a frosted glass curtain, either an actual fabric curtain or glass that's frosted. And you had to make the drinks back there before you brought them out into the open, so that the impressionable young eyes of children don't see the alcohol and then become alcoholics, because they saw you mixing a fucking drink that they don't even know what's in it.
Dick: (giggles) Oh, that's not why we're alcoholics.
Maddox: Yeah, well…
Asterios: And you're not allowed…and in Utah, like, until very recently, you weren't allowed to serve alcohol before someone ordered their dinner, right?
Maddox: Yess, there's all sorts of crazy laws.
Asterios: Some ridiculous, stupid l…yeah.
Dick: I wish that…ah…yeah. I mean, that does sound kinda nice sometimes.
Dick: You know…
Maddox: To not…
Dick: You haven't eaten…
Asterios: (interjects) You need the government to stop you from ordering drinks too fast?! Libertarian!?!
Dick: I'm not sa…I'm saying…(laughs) I'm saying it…
Asterios: (interjects) Is that what you want?! You want the nanny state?!!?
Dick: I'm saying probably more than 50% of the time, if I'm drinking before dinner, I'll say, "Aw, man, I wish I wouldn't have had three of those before dinner, 'cause I'm getting a little loopy, here."
Asterios: You don't just drink instead of eating dinner?
Dick: Uhh…yeah. That's called a liquor loop.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly!
Dick: That's when you get on liquor loop.
Asterios: Yeah, that's what I do. I conserve my calories for alcohol. It's great.
Dick: You know what I really hate about last call is…the bartenders and the wait staff. Like, you can…they start getting antsy.
Dick: At, like, 1:15.
Dick: You know? And they feel…'cause our last call in California is at 2. And they'll…you can see them start wrapping up. Like, you can see them ending the party. And it turns into this…tug of war, where you're, like, "No no no no no no no. We're still having a good time. We want to party riiiiight up until 1:50, or God forbid, 2!!" Right?
Asterios: (laughs) Yeah.
Dick: Like, God…God forbid we get kicked outta here at actual last call. But it's especially in, like, chain restaurants?
Dick: Like, the big ones? (stammers) You know how…
Asterios: It kinda gets…
Dick: I really hate…I really hate the atmosphere after 1:15.
Asterios: Yeah! Yeah. It's…it's like the party died, 'cause everyone's trying to get to the next…everyone's trying to go to a house party where they can drink, you know, everybody splits.
Maddox: Yeah. There's speakeasies.
Dick: Oh, and that's the worst, man.
Maddox: Mhmm. Speakeasies. And then people are rushing, and there's that bigass line at the grocery store, and not enough tellers, because everything's MOVED to fucking automated checkstands!
Asterios: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: And you can't buy alcohol at those, Dick.
Asterios: With an automated checkstand. Yeah!
Asterios: Like, exactly! I've been online at Ralph's. On a long, long line to buy alcohol.
Maddox: (interjects) Ra…Ralph's is a grocery store in California.
Asterios: Oh yeah, sorry.
Maddox: For people who don't know. Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah, Ralph's is a grocery store. And I've been online, like, a long, long line at 1:50, and I remember the teller was like, "Anyone that I don't ring up by 2:00, the computer will not let me sell you alcohol, period."
Asterios: And it's, like, well…what's 2 minutes? Is 2 minutes gonna kill somebody?
Asterios: And…I mean…you know, finally, I guess the last thing I'll say about last call is, like, think about this. If you're a bartender or if you're a waitress. It cuts into your hours. Like, if you could work until 4 AM, 5 AM, 6 AM, keep pulling tips, you know, uh…keep serving drinks and all that. You'd make more money! It'd help the economy! The restaurants would make more money. The servers would make more money. Everybody would make more money!! It's better for everybody!
Maddox: That's…vote Asterios 2016. That's his plan for reinvigorating the economy.
Dick: I would vote for that.
Asterios: Oh! That's what…that's what Tony Blair did, by the way, in 2001. He sent out a text message, like, right before the election that was, like, "Don't forget. If you vote for me, I'll impose…(stammers) I have 24-hour drinking." And everybody voted for him! (grins)
Dick: And did he?!
Asterios: It was like one of the most…yes! Exac…it was one of the most, like…
Dick: Oh, my God.
Asterios: …brilliant political maneuvers of all time!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Dick: I think you just predicted a Trump tweet.
Asterios: Oh, my God. If Trump…
Dick: On, like, November 3rd…
Asterios: I would…I might actually vote for Trump. I'd be, like, "Well that directly affects my life, so…"
Asterios: "..I'm gonna vote for you."
Maddox: Yeah, but I could see Trump also adding something to the tweet, like, (goofy voice) "Uh, if you have a wheelchair, try to get to the, uh…(Asterios cackles) you might not be able to make it in time. Uhhhh." Anyway. Uh…
Dick: A wheelchair?
Asterios: So..wait. So he's tweeting the word 'duh'?
Dick: Yeah. (giggles) (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Okay. I gotta follow this guy.
Maddox: I…have you seen his tweets?! (laughs)
Asterios: I haven't. I guess not.
Maddox: I…there's this website. It's like, fake Donald Trump tweets.
Maddox: And I have to double check and see if these are real or not. I..(stammers) every single one, I'm like, "Yeah, I could see him saying this."
Asterios: I bet they're all actually…I bet the joke is they're all real.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. They might be.
Maddox: They might be.
Dick: You should follow him.
Maddox: You guys, speaking..(giggles) Yeah. I will not. Speaking of invigorating the economy, I got a real biggest problem. It is Lottery Winners!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Yeah. Lottery winners. (grins)
Dick: Oh, I'll…you're talking to one.
Maddox: You won…you won in the lottery?
Dick: Yeah. I'm a lottery winner.
Maddox: Okay, so we just…
Dick: (interjects) The big Powerball, that 1.5 billion?
Maddox: Yeah. You won?
Dick: I won four bucks.
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay.
Dick: I'm a lottery winner.
Maddox: Great. Great, Dick.
Asterios: Didn't you win 8 dollars playing that lotto?
Maddox: You bet your ass I did!
Dick: Okay, so you got two. Did you win anything?
Asterios: Well, it seems like…no, I lost.
Dick: Did you play?
Asterios: Yeah. I sp…I lost 4 dollars.
Dick: You only bought two tickets?
Maddox: What a sucker.
Dick: What a sucker.
Asterios: How much did you…
Dick: (interjects) How do only have 4 dollars?
Maddox: What a moron!
Asterios: How many tickets…(they all talk over each other)
Dick: What did you have, four single dollars in your wallet?
Asterios: HOW MANY TICKETS….yeah.
Maddox: Dumb shit.
Asterios: I had just…yeah! I went to Cheetah's, asshole! (Dick laughs) If you most know. I went to Cheetahs.
Dick: How'd you have any left, then?
Asterios: And I got a fucking lap dance from a woman named Hot Wheels!
Dick: And you got change!? (Maddox laughs) (Sean laughs)
Asterios: I got a lap dance from a woman named Hot Wheels! You wanna know why she's named Hot Wheels? 'Cause she's a former Junior Olympics roller skating champion, (someone groans) and she roller skates around the stage in a bikini, and she does all these pirouettes around the goddamn pole, and she's fantastic!!
Dick: I…I don't like the backs…I don't like stripper backstories. Go!
Maddox: That…that sounds good….
Dick: (interjects) But did you win anything?
Maddox: It sounds like…it sounds like she roller skated into your heart, buddy.
Asterios: Well, I'm still…yeah.
Maddox: Hot Wheels.
Asterios: Hot Wheels, if you're out there, say hi to me.
Maddox: She's probably a listener of the show. But anyway guys, back to lottery winners. Kay? I got…this is the real biggest problem. Now, I chose lottery winners and not the lottery.
Dick: Yeah, yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Because the lottery's a choice.
Dick: We…we know. (grins)
Dick: Yeah. (giggles)
Sean: Because it was weird.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: What was…what was weird?
Asterios: Wait. How many…wait…real quick question. How many lottery tickets did you buy for the Powerball?
Dick: 20 bucks' worth!!
Asterios: So you lost 16 dollars?
Asterios: Kay, so I only lost 4 dollars.
Dick: Well, no. Technically I lose, uh…30…36 dollars. 'Cause I also played the week before.
Asterios: Okay, so…
Asterios: I only lost 4 dollars, and I'm a sucker? That's what I'm clarifying.
Dick: Yeah, man. I had a lot of fun thinking about all the…thinking about all the bridges I would burn with my…100 million dollars.
Maddox: Oh, yeah, me too. (Asterios snickers) I…I was thinking about, like, unfriending all my, like, all these people…
Asterios: You can do that now. You don't have to be rich to cut assholes out of your life!!
Maddox: I…I know, Asterios, yeah…
Dick: (interjects) But you need to replace friends with money.
Asterios: That…does sound nice.
Maddox: You do.
Sean: You're at least purchasing the fantasy.
Maddox: Of what, unfriending people?
Sean: Of, like, doing whatever you would do with hundreds of millions of dollars.
Asterios: (yells) So I'm dumb 'cause I only bought 4 dollars' worth of fantasy?
Asterios: I should've bought more fantasy?
Dick: More. Yes. More.
Asterios: Okay. Alright. Alright.
(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)
Maddox: Dumb. Asterios. Dumb.
Dick: You're less likely to win. (Maddox and Asterios laugh)
Maddox: Yeah! You…you missed out, dude!! (Asterios laughs)
Asterios: Wait, so instead of my odds being 1 in 1.7 billion…
Asterios: 2 in 1.7 billion…
Dick: No, it's 2 in like, 217 million.
Maddox: It's 2 in 200 m…it's 292 million.
Maddox: You would have been 4, or 10.
Maddox: Dick was 10! 10!!
Dick: And then I bought a secret lottery ticket on the way home. (Asterios and Maddox laugh) Like a…like a…like a boot holster, you know? (Asterios cracks up) Like, a secret gun in my boot. So I checked the first 10…I checked the first 10.
Dick: And I'm like, "No, those are losers. Now let's go for the boot."
Dick: The boot pistol. Yeeeeeeah!!
Asterios: Oh, my god! (laughing)
Dick: Pull this bitch out also, loser.
Asterios: You had a hold-out weapon! (squeals)
Asterios: Alright, so, so far my advice is to…
Dick: It's fun!
Asterios: …take girls to the dollar store and buy as many lottery tickets as possible.
Maddox: You know what?!! Do that!!
Dick: (they all talk over each other)
Maddox: Go to a ….go get a scratcher on a date. Go get some scratchers and say, "We're gonna split everything right now." And then you're buying dinner with the winnings!
Dick: No, no. Lemme tell you…lemme tell you for real.
Asterios: Alright, what do you do?
Dick: If you're…if you're trying to s…if you're trying to woo a woman.
Dick: And you're…you know, a lot of these guys are in a position where they're trying to woo her, right?
Dick: Where…a lot of questions I get from guys, they're like…they don't…they think she's on the fence. Maybe she's leaning away. Which is normal, 'cause you know, chicks have to lean back and get…get a gauge on you. Right? Like, they need to judge you as a man to see if you're worth investing their time in, right?
Dick: This is the…the dynamics of dating, right? So…to get 'em to stick around, you buy a lottery ticket together on your date, right? (Asterios gasps) And then you…well, you know the drawing isn't until Saturday. So you got an excuse to talk to her…on Saturday, right?
Asterios: I…I have a question. What if…what if I win the lottery?
Dick: Oh, then you just never call it again. You block. Block her.
Asterios: Got it.
Dick: You know, change your name. You could get a whole new identity with Powerball winnings.
Asterios: I have a lot to learn. This is really cool.
Maddox: Dick, this actually, is like, the smartest thing I think you've ever said.
Dick: It only costs 2 bucks!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Asterios: All you need is 2 dollars and a dream.
Maddox: Really smart.
Maddox: Alright. Guys, back to lottery winners. You've heard of the stereotypes of lottery winners, right? Losing all their money and going bankrupt. But I, for one, think that lottery winners are great people, who are very handsome and successful. And wise. They definitely…they definitely know the best way to spend their money, as evidenced by their purchase of lottery tickets! (Asterios cracks up)
Sean: Is this another iTunes?
Maddox: No!!! No!! No, Sean! I…look, I'd just like to say that, uh…I put forth a humble suggestion that if any of our listeners are…lottery winners, that you invest in yours truly. Might I suggest a small contribution of $800,000 to Maddox Empire to further my agenda to educate the masses. My goal is to diminish the influence of lesser minds in our lives, and I'll do that with your money.
Dick: Wait, are you shilling to the Powerball guy?
Maddox: Yeah, absolutely.
Dick: Oh, okay. (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah. Correct. That's all I'm doing right now.
Dick: Why'd you bring him in as a problem, then?
Maddox: Well, 'cause they're problems. And I'll tell you why. Let's…first, let's talk about odds, though, right? In the New York Times, they just released this. They said, "The odds of being struck by lightning this year are 1 in 1.19 million, making it about 246 times as likely as winning the Powerball jackpot. That means you have 246 times more of a chance of getting struck by lightning than winning the lottery. "With an estimated 1 in 12,500 change, an amateur golfer is about 23,000 as likely to make a hole in one. So if you became a golfer.
Maddox: And you just struck a ball, you have a 23,000x higher probability to make a hole in one.
Dick: You'd have to be a kind of a good golfer, though. You can't just walk out there and…
Sean: (interjects) Not true. There's a lot of dumb luck in those. A lot of hacks.
Dick: Really? People running up like Happy Gilmore and just swatting at it like they're chopping down a tree, hole in one?
Asterios: Well, Happy Gilmore had a lot of hockey experience.
Dick: Get the fuck outta here.
Sean: No, it happens.
Asterios: I mean, you have to admit. Uh…it sounds like you're…these are statistics for the lottery, though. It sounds like you have a problem with the lottery.
Dick: Yeah. Sounds like you're bringing in the lottery.
Maddox: No, no, no. I'm getting to that. I'm getting to that.
Maddox: So I…I just looked into the odds first to see, uh…to set up the…psychology of somebody who would buy one of these tickets.
Asterios: Like you. You bought a bunch of lottery tickets, so…
Dick: Yeah, it's awesome.
Maddox: I…I spent the same as Dick. I mean, I did a little bit better, actually.
Dick: No, I spent 2 more bucks than you, 'cause I got that secret one. (Asterios guffaws)
Maddox: Oh, that's right, yeah.
Dick: That's the one that God doesn't know about.
Asterios: You guys are so proud of wasting money on the lottery!!!
Dick: Oh. (scoffs) 22 dollars is the bare minimum of money that I've wasted, are you kidding?
Asterios: (laughing) What's the most money you've ever wasted in…in one go? I just wanna know.
Dick: My watch.
Asterios: How much is your watch?
Dick: It's a nice watch.
Asterios: I don't know what a nice watch costs.
Dick: Like 3 grand.
Maddox: WHY WOULD YOU SPEND 3 GRAND ON A WATCH?!
Asterios: You have a THREE-THOUSAND DOLLAR WATCH?!
Dick: 'Cause it's awesome.
Maddox: Is it? It just tells the time.
Dick: It's showy as shit, man.
Dick: (interjects) Oh, it's heavy.
Maddox: You don't even wear it! I've never even seen you wear a watch!
Dick: I have it on right now.
Maddox: No, I've NEVER seen you wear a watch, I've known you for years!!!
Dick: I dunno what to tell you. Take a…take a better look at what's sitting across from you sometime, man, it's…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah. There's no watch.
Dick: You'll see that beautiful watch.
Maddox: I never see that watch.
Dick: Oh, you should see chicks light up when they feel it, like, "Oh my God, is this real?"
Maddox: You…you not only…
Dick: (interjects) It's so heavy. They love it. (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: You're not…Dick, you're not only not wearing the watch now, but you don't even have the tan mark of wearing a watch.
Asterios: It sounds like he only wears it on special occa…it's a three thousand dollar watch.
Maddox: Well, is that true? Do you only wear it to, like, special dinners and things like that?
Dick: No. I wear it, uh…whenever I go out. I mean, I wear it whenever I go outside. It's a watch. I don't like digging in my pocket for my cell phone like a child.
Dick: Like a millennial. To see the time. I like turning my wrist and seeing what the time is.
Maddox: Alright, well, uh…I dunno what to tell you, Dick, you could've bought a lot of those watches with the money you could've won from the Powerball.
Dick: Oh, I woulda got…I woulda got one of the watches that has meteors in the face.
Asterios: What are you talking about?!
Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. They got a watch that's got a meteor face. The face has meteorites in it.
Maddox: Oh, oh. It's made out of the meteor…yeah.
Dick: It's made out of a meteorite.
Asterios: How much does that watch cost?
Dick: Like 20 grand, 25 grand.
Dick: So there's a goal for you. Sell a lot of Mega Man comics.
Maddox: Lot of things to piss your money away on. There's an article in Time.com. It says, "Here's how winning the lottery makes you miserable." Uh…so they're talking about…there's all these articles coming out about people who've won the lottery. From Time, they said, "So many of them wind up unhappy or wind up broke. People have terrible things happen to them," says Don McNay, 56, a financial consultant to lottery winners and author of Life Lessons from the Lottery. "People commit suicide. People run through their money. Easy comes, easy goes. They go through divorce or people die." And then there's an article in New York Daily News (.com). It says "The Curse of the Lottery: Tragic Stories of Big Jackpot Winners". And it says here, "Nearly 70% of lottery winners end up broke within seven years."
Asterios: Oh, my gosh.
Maddox: Broke, in seven years.
Dick: How many..what percent?
Dick: I'm surprised it's that low.
Maddox: About three quarters. And it says, "Even worse, several winners have died tragically or witnessed those close to them suffer." And it says here, "You would be blown away to see how many winners wish they'd never won." Says Edward Ugel, author of "Money for Nothing". One of those unlikely winners was a guy named Abraham Shakespeare.
Maddox: "Just weeks before Shakespeare was killed, he told his mother he wished he had never won. Shakespeare hit it big for 30 million dollars in 2006, causing friends and family to hound him for money." So then he befriended, like, all these fake people started showing up in his life, and he fell for one of 'em.
Dick: Sounds like family is the problem!!
Dick: Not lottery winners! It sounds like another one of your problems is the problem.
Maddox: Go vote up families! (laughs) Yeah, man! Go vote up families, that's what I told you, man. Uh…Episode #1. That's what I brought in, families. But he said he befriended a person named Dorice D.D Moore, who tricked Shakespeare into believing he was trying to protect him. She was trying to protect him from greedy people around him. Moore convinced this poor guy to transfer his assets to her before he went missing in 2009. Then in 2012, she was sentenced to mandatory life without parole for his murder by a judge who called her cold, calculating, and cruel.
Maddox: This lady got this…this poor guy to transfer his funds to her. And then killed him, so she could keep it all.
Dick: Sounds like, uh…women might be the problem.
Maddox: Ohhh. (groans) (Asterios laughs)
Dick: Witchy…witchy women.
Asterios: So far…
Dick: And their devious ways.
Asterios: Those femme fatales.
Dick: Those…yes. D.D…what was her name? Didi Lichtenstein?
Maddox: Dorice…(giggles) Dorice D.D. Moore.
Asterios: Didi might stand for Double D's.
Dick: So she's a triple D.
Maddox: Triple D.
Asterios: Yeah. Oh, my God.
Asterios: Look, I…look…
Dick: (interjects) That's a problem.
Asterios: I just wanna say…I feel like the only hard statistic you've brought in for this is that 70% of lottery winners go broke.
Asterios: I feel like the rest of this is, like, a lot of, like, faff and story.
Asterios: It's just, like, all you needed to say was that 70% of them go broke. That's a huge fucking problem! If you win the lottery, you are almost guaranteed to lose everything you own.
Asterios: That's a big problem.
Maddox: Right, right, right. Um…but more than that, it's…it's…
Asterios: (interjects) What?! You don't think that's a big problem?! Losing everything you own? Going completely bankrupt?
Asterios: Because you bought a piece of paper that had a bunch of numbers on it one day?
Dick: No…I don't think it's a big problem that you won the lottery and you don't know what you're doing with your life. And, like, what is it? Fuck your life up back to being someone who plays the lottery?
Dick: (interjects) I mean, what is…like, okay, a couple guys killed themselves? I dunno if that's a big problem!
Maddox: Look, money…can be chaos. Alright? Money is power. Money is freedom. But money can also be chaotic. If you suddenly get an injection of money. You don't know what to do with it and it came in from nowhere. And you suddenly sit there and you start to fantasize about the things that you could spend the money on. You're not…you're not apt to spending that wisely. You might buy things that are bad for you, or you might invest it in some poor things.
Dick: I mean, look. 70% of people are bad with money. That's what that tells me.
Dick: (interjects) Like, and that's…that's still…that's why I say it still seems low. Like, I would think, like, 99% of people are bad with money.
Maddox: But, Dick…
Dick: (interjects) 99% of people don't save.
Maddox: But, Dick, it's not just that they're bad with money. 70% of them also get…I mean, this includes people who get killed, like this poor guy. He wasn't bad with money, per say, he just got killed.
Asterios: You mean got murdered.
Maddox: Yeah, he got murdered.
Dick: For the money.
Asterios: That's…okay. See, when say, "Get killed", I…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, people get murdered for shoes, and rims, though, also. Like, it sounds like an idiot.
Asterios: Yeah, but it turns you into a big tar…well, look. Granted, the guy's an idiot, but it turns you into a big target.
Asterios: I mean, you got all that money, that's…
Dick: I guess.
Maddox: And you lose friends. People always hit you up for money. It's gonna change your life. Sometimes in ways that aren't good. Uh…there's another example here from this article, it says…
Dick: (interjects) So wait. I'm sorry. Is winning the lottery the problem?
Maddox: No. Uh…lottery…no. Lottery winners. Lottery winners are the problem. That's wh…
Dick: (interjects) Okay, but what are they…
Maddox: I'm getting to that.
Dick: Okay, okay.
Maddox: I'm getting to that. I'm getting to that. I wanna read this other example. This guy named David Lee Edwards. He lived in human feces before his death. Edwards, a former drug addict and felon, won 27 million dollars in 2001 while unemployed in South Florida. He quickly blew through the money by purchasing a 1.6 million dollar house in Palm Beach Gardens, uh, three racehorses…(Dick laughs)…a fiberoptics company…a Leerjet, a limo business…
Dick: Oh, cool!
Maddox: …a 200 thousand dollar Lamborghini Diablo…
Maddox: And a multitude of other luxuries.
Maddox: Then Edwards and his wife returned to drug use and had numerous run-ins with the police for possession of crack cocaine, pills, and heroin. He lost all of his money in just a few years, and ended up living in a storage shed surrounded by human feces.
Dick: I think crack did that to him, not money.
Sean: That's a guy with HUGE problems, even before he bought the ticket.
Maddox: Sure. Sure.
Sean: Now…now, he just, instead of living in, like a 74 Dodge, he's living in a Lamborghini, I mean, it's…
Dick: He had a nice, like, fantasy week…or month. Or however long he had that money.
Asterios: But doesn't that…but doesn't that seem, like, poetically just more terrible to, like, have had everything and lost it all?
Asterios: Like, I kinda…look.
Dick: (interjects) I don't give a shit.
Dick: No! I'm just saying, like, I don't feel anything for somebody who makes a shitload of money, then blows it all doing crack and harassing the police and being a menace. And then living in a storage shed like Howard Hughes with his own feces. Like, this is a lunatic. Okay. (Asterios guffaws)
Asterios: (laughing) Alright. Well, look. I'm not specifically talking about this guy. I'm just saying, like, isn't it kind of better to have never had a taste of that good life if…
Maddox: (interjects) Yes.
Asterios: …you're just gonna end up somewhere worse?! Like…
Maddox: Abs…absolutely, Asterios.
(Sound effect: 'Ding!')
Maddox: I believe this.
Asterios: But it's an opin…it's not a stat. It's just my opinion. If you disagree, you disagree.
Maddox: No, I agree with that.
Dick: If that were true, drugs wouldn't be so great. You know?
Maddox: No, I'll…I'll t…
Asterios: (interjects) What do you mean? I'm sorry, I don't…
Dick: Well, the…the high of this guy's crazy lifestyle was more important to him than, uh…something more conservative. Something that didn't involve violence and crack. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: People…people who are dr…
Dick: You know? (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: People who become drug addicts are not happy people. They're not people who are doing this because they're having a…a…carefree lifestyle.
Dick: You're talking to a guy who shits his pants 'cause he drinks too much.
Dick: You don't think I know that?!
Maddox: Yeah, but…but this guy in particular. When…sometimes people have this fantasy of winning lots of money, they think money's gonna solve their problems. But this guy was depressed and had problems beforehand. And he just won money, and all that did is maybe give him a little bit of joy in the interim, but the drugs finally eventually caught up with him.
(Asterios and Dick talk at the same time)
Dick: …applies to, like, actors and actresses to me. Like, they won the lottery, actors and actresses won the being famous lottery. It doesn't seem to…they still…the bad ones still seem to be drug-addicted maniacs. You know? It seems like the same thing. It seems like now we're just paying attention to it, 'cause he's rich.
Maddox: I think it's a little different, because actors and actresses work hard for it. So…a lot of the time.
Asterios: Unless you're…unless you're super hot like Cameron Diaz and you just get, uh, promoted from an extra to…the costar of the Mask.
Maddox: Uhh…Cameron Diaz had a long career before that. Although, I'm not a fan. Not a fan of Cameron Diaz. I wrote an article a long time ago where the happiest day in my life was when Cameron Diaz broke her nose during a surfing accident. That was the happiest day of my life…still. It's still the happiest day of my life. (Asterios giggles) Um…I…
Asterios: I…just before we move on, real quick.
Asterios: You mentioned shitting your pants.
Asterios: Should I carry around, like, extra pants?
Dick: What, for yourself?
Asterios: Yeah. Like…
Dick: (interjects) Or for me?
Asterios: No, for me. Like, should I…like, in the trunk or, like, do you keep extra pants?
Dick: Oh, no. No.
Asterios: Okay. 'Cause I'm just…you know. I was wondering.
Dick: What are you getting at?
Asterios: Well, 'cause I'm…
Dick: (interjects) You wanna…you wanna adopt that kind of drinking into your lifestyle?
Asterios: Well, I'm sort of…I'm on the way. I'm on the way down.
Dick: Here's what you do.
Dick: All the fast food you get, just throw it into the passenger side of your car.
Dick: Then if an emergency hits you, you just grab some of those bags. (Asterios gasps) And sit on that.
Asterios: That's awesome!
Dick: So you don't fuck up your car.
Dick: There you go.
Asterios: That's great.
Dick: A little Dick tip for you.
Asterios: Thank you.
Maddox: Guys, I…have an article here from the New York Times. And…(giggles) they're…(they all laugh loudly)
Dick: You've never done that?!!?
Sean: I've never done that.
Dick: Oh, man! You haven't lived!
Asterios: I'm just gonna…I might just…I might try to do both. I might try to keep a pair of pants in the trunk. Some trunk pants.
Dick: No, that's…'cause then you're admitting you have a problem. (Asterios giggles)
Asterios: Okay. (laughing)
Dick: Go, what's…what's the New York Times…
Asterios: I'm sorry.
Maddox: Yeah, can we…
Asterios: I'm so sorry.
Maddox: Can we…are we done?
Maddox: Should we…okay. I got an article here from the New York Times. So, some of these articles have gotten really snarky. Like, near the…near the end. As the Powerball started to really gain speed and momentum. This one's from the New York Times called, "You will not win the Powerball Jackpot."
Dick: Oh, God. Okay.
Maddox: And…(giggles) (Asterios cracks up) I love…I love the title.
Dick: Opening so many eyes with that.
Maddox: No, it's…it's funny. It's kinda like shitting on everyone. It says, "But keep in mind, your six numbers will not match and your finances will stay put, minus 2 dollars, most likely. Sorry. We would like to comfort you by pointing out that the odds of hitting the jackpot are 292 million, which are really, really bad odds. The odds of being struck by lightning, as I mentioned, is a 1 in a hundred…1.19 million. Um…and then there was…okay.
Dick: (interjects) I hate articles like that. And I hate the people who write them. Like…so then why do anything? Like, why do we spend money to do anything? It's all for entertainment. Like…2 dollars for the amount of excitement you get…like, you might win the lottery? Is probably the highest ratio of excitement to money on Earth. I…(stammers) just, these…thse smug pricks that write these articles about how you're so…it's a tax on the poor. You're so stupid that you don't know you're gonna win…we all know that we're not gonna win. It's that pretending, for a couple days!! That is what makes it worth 2 dollars. Fuck you!
Asterios: Yeah, I actually have to totally agree with that, 'cause I spent 4 dollars on two lottery tickets, and I kept them around in my wallet, and I was just so, so excited.
Dick: It's fun!
Asterios: I woke up the next day, I could…I couldn't wait to Google it. Actually, I…(stammers) I had bought the ticket on a date. And, like, now it's this nice little memento. It's just, like, oh my God, this cute little thing. Oh, here's my numbers. Here's her numbers. It's like this cute little thing.
Dick: It's great.
Maddox: Yeah, I used to be…
Asterios: (interjects) It's like why does everything have to be, like, such a fucking killjoy?
Dick: That's an investment!!
Maddox: No, no, no. It's not. It's not.
Asterios: Yeah, it's just a game. You're just playing a dumb little game.
Sean: It's a waaaaaaay better value than seeing a movie.
Maddox: Right. But…here's the thing. I used to be one of these people who, uh…was adamantly opposed to the lottery, and in many ways, I still am.
Maddox: But, uh…I get it. This argument has been made many times by many different people that it's entertainment for a couple dollars. I get it. Fine. That's…I don't have a problem with that. But the question is…
Asterios: You bought a bunch of lottery tickets!!
Maddox: Of course.
Maddox: But the question is, why don't you play week to week? Is this just because of the jackpot amount? Is that what made you excited, uh…to play?
Dick: Yeah, 'cause you're not a gambling addict.
Asterios: Oh, I wanted to be…it's, like, I wanted to be, like, part of the zeitgeist.
Asterios: It was like everyone was super excited by this Powerball thing.
Asterios: I was like, "Well fuck it, I'll do it too!"
Dick: If you're talking about the lottery…you can't talk about your lottery ticket with your mom, like, when it's not a gigantic jackpot!
Dick: 'Cause that's kinda sad.
Asterios: Yeah, that's true. (guffaws)
Dick: And it's, like, "What are you doing?"
Dick: "Why are you not part of this collective thing that we're doing?"
Maddox: Guys, I buy that argument. That's fine.
Maddox: I…I don't disagree. Um…so…this…this one last article I wanna mention, again from the New York Times. This is my favorite snarky article. It says, "Dear Powerball Winner, take our advice and take the annuity." So you have a choice when you win the Powerball. You can get a one lump sum payment, which a lot of people opt to do, because they just want to go nuts with that money. But this New York Times article said, you know, again, they're talking about how you're not gonna win it, but if you do…take the annuity. And I gotta read this. This says, "There are big tax advantages to the annuity. The main one is that taking the annuity is basically like letting the government hold on to part of your prize for a while and invest it for you, and the government does not pay tax on that investment income. Of course, once you get the annuity checks, you'll have to pay income tax on them, but if you take the lump sum cash prize, you'll pay tax twice - once on the prize when you win it, and then once again on the income you get by investing it." Which is a good point. Then the article goes on, it says, "But if you don't want…" Excuse me. "But what if you don't want an ultra-safe investment? I don't know about all your risk preferences, but I do know that you buy lottery tickets, so maybe you'd prefer to take the cash option and gamble in the stock market for a higher average return. But this leads us to the biggest advantage of the annuity - protecting you from yourself." And this is the…the root cause of the problem, here. And why I brought in Lottery Winners and not the lottery specifically. Because the lottery winners are the problem. They…when they have all this money, there's no safeguard to protect them from themselves and their own bad decisions.
Dick: Wait, but how does that make THEM the problem?
Maddox: Because they're making bad decisions. It says here, "Again, I don't know all about you, but I do know that you buy lottery tickets. So let's consider the possibility that you are not one of your generation's greatest financial minds."
Dick: Oh, yeah! (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Gimme a fucking break!!!
Dick: You know what!? (they all yell over each other)
Asterios: You're an asshole!!
Dick: You're a…you're a writer for a newspaper. You don't know SHIT about money!! (Asterios cracks up) Like, how much could you POSSIBLY make writing…what paper was this?
Maddox: New York Times.
Dick: New York Times. What do you make, $80,000 a year?
Maddox: Ah, no!!
Dick: How much of your l…
Asterios: WAY less.
Dick: Way less than that?
Asterios: No. It's like $42,000 a year.
Dick: (interjects) You probably get paid by the word, fuck you!!!
Maddox: They make…they make…
Dick: (interjects) Fuck you, telling anybody what to do about money, you smug asshole or bitch, either one, I don't know which it is. (Sean laughs)
Asterios: It's probably…it's probably a freelancer that got paid $100.
Asterios: To be perfectly frank.
Maddox: You guys are awfully butthurt at this writer. Here's the thing…
Dick: Ugh, it's so smug.
Asterios: (interjects) It's real smug!! (yells)
Maddox: Sometimes…of course it's smug, that's why it's hilarious, and that's why I brought it in!! You're talking to the smuggest motherfucker in the universe!!
Asterios: When you're smug, it's funnier than that. That's just…that's just dickish.
Maddox: Ahh. Well, I love it. It made me so happy reading that. (laughs) He goes on and says, "We all know the stories of people who win huge fortunes in the lottery and then lose them. The great thing about the annuity is that no matter what stupid choices you make this year, you'll have an enormous check waiting for you next year, all the way until 2045." That's sound financial advice!!! You wanna call this guy smug and stupid for working for the New York Times?! For earning a living wage!? Oookay, go ahead! But that's sound fucking advice! Protect you from yourself by taking the annuity, dickheads!! And by the way…(stammers)
Asterios: (interjects) Well, why don't you just suggest that we ban all lotteries?!
Asterios: If you're looking to protect people from themselves…
Asterios: The lottery's the problem!!
Dick: The lottery's the problem.
Asterios: Exactly! Wouldn't that be the ultimate way to protect people from themselves!? (yells)
Maddox: No, no, no. They should choose…they should still have the choice. I'm…I'm for them having the choice to…look. If you want to fuck up your life and take a bunch of money and go nuts with it, and go broke in seven…in seven years. Those are the statistics! You're way more likely to go broke after winning the lottery than any…any other point in your life.
Dick: Sure, that's fine.
Asterios: Look. Look.. There's a po...
Dick: (interjects) What's the problem?
Asterios: There's a poetic irony to bringing in lottery winners. It's like…it's like okay, careful what you wish for. 'Cause if you get it, it'll destroy you. When God…when God seeks to punish man, he answers his prayers.
Dick: What would you do if you won the lottery?
Asterios: I…if I won the lottery, I would tell absolutely nobody.
Dick: Oh, that's weird. Alright.
Asterios: I would tell…I would just die, and then a charity would get a huge check one day from the Boisterous Coconuts Foundation.
Dick: Ohhhhhhhh, shut up!!! The charity would get a huge check!
Asterios: After I spent a lot of it at Cheetahs. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: On Hot Wheels, huh?
Dick: Yeah, that's the charity.
Asterios: I would have Hot Wheels move in with me!!!!
Dick: Charity's her…Charity's Hot Wheels' friend.
Maddox: A stripper's bank account charity, huh?
Maddox: hey, here's the thing. I looked into…one of these cases of a lottery winner who didn't fuck up his life. There's this guy in…I believe in Idaho or Colorado. He won the lottery. He won 220 million dollars. Some crazy amount.
Maddox: What he did…is he first, you know, spent…he didn't tell anybody for, like, two weeks. Or a week. A week or two weeks. He finally told his dad, and that's it. And then he sat there thinking about, like…having all these fantasies about how he's gonna spend it. And then finally, once he got done with all those fantasies, he decided to keep his feet planted to the ground. He hired a lawyer. He hired an accountant. He hired a public relations person, and then decided to invest the money to grow it. And then he…he kept driving the same car he always drove. He bought a really expensive bicycle, because he wanted a really nice, high-end bike, but that's about it. He kept the same house he always had. And then he went to work for another year, because he enjoyed his job. Sometimes, Dick, people work because…not because of the money they make, but because they enjoy what they do. Like these New York Times writers.
Dick: Why are you directing that at me?
Asterios: Yeah, I don't know, it sounds…
Maddox: 'Cause you were shitting on this New York Times writer! And teachers! "Oh, they only make $42,000 a year! Well, people do things because they like it!
Dick: That's not very much.
Maddox: Of course it's not very much, but that's not the point! The point is, people do things because they enjoy doing them.
Dick: That's why they get paid so little, 'cause they get something beyond money for it!!!
Asterios: (they talk over each other)
Dick: That's how economics works!
Asterios: It's a vocation. As a comedian, I don't get paid a lot of money…
Asterios: But I get a lot of joy out of it once a year.
Maddox: Right, right, right.
Asterios: And the rest of the time, I hate myself.
Dick: You would probably pay to BE a comedian. I bet if a theater said, "You know what? Every time you go up, you gotta give us 20 bucks."
Asterios: They do that! Those are called Bringer shows. Comedians do that all the time. The only way you can perform is if you bring five audience members and if they pay 10 dollars.
Asterios: Of course…
Maddox: (interjects) A lot of comedians pay for it!
Asterios: People in entertainment…people pay to be part of entertainment constantly. It's the scam of entertainment. But…
Maddox: (interjects) No, but criticizing this New York Times writer for giving financial advice for…
Asterios: (interjects) You're real butthurt about us criticizing this bitchy and/or cunty writer!
Maddox: 'Cause it's such a cheesedick…it's so…it's such a cheesedick move, man. Look, he's giving sound financial advice. I actually agree with this guy.
Dick: (interjects) Oh…
Maddox: (interjects) And yeah, his tone is smug…
Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute. Sound financial advice to people that he says are never gonna need it? He starts that article by saying none of you…"Hey everyone, I don't know if you can hear me from this giant pedestal I'm standing on so far above you…"
Asterios: In his big glass house!!
Dick: Yeah. "None of you are gonna win. You're all stupid. But here's…here's some advice that applies to NONE of you!!"
Maddox: Eh, statistically, yes.
Asterios: Don't you hate clickbait?
Dick: With a rational mind, you'd call it hypocrisy…
Asterios: 'Cause that's all that is. It's fucking clickbait.
Maddox: This is not clickbait.
Asterios: Oh, this is not clickbait! This article that came out during the week of the largest Powerball jackpot of all time!!! (yelling) What's the headline called?!
Dick: It's not clickbait.
Asterios: (interjects) What's the headline?!
Maddox: It's NEEEEWSSS, Asterios. This is the New York Times!! (Asterios raspberries) (Dick cracks up)
Asterios: What an asshole!! (yells)
Maddox: They're talking about…(yelling)
Asterios: (interjects) You couldn't just bring in the lottery! You had to bring in some fucking tricky dick fucking…
Maddox: No…(Dick laughins)
Asterios: …weirdo goddamn cut the mustard…
Maddox: You Sneaky Greek. You sneaky Greek!
Dick: That's what I said! (Asterios groans)
Maddox: I don't have a problem with the lottery. I used to. I don't anymore. I thought about it and I thought, "You know what, Dick? Your argument is…is…"
Dick: (interjects) Correct.
Maddox: …pretty sound.
Dick: 100% correct. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Asterios, your argument is pretty sound.
Dick: That's the word you're looking for. (laughs)
Asterios: Yeah. Smart. Well-reasoned.
Maddox: No, it's not smart. It's…
Asterios: Not weird!!!
Maddox: It's not…
Asterios: (interjects) It's not some sort of huge stretch!!
Maddox: It's…I will give you reasonable. (Asterios snorts)
Maddox: It's a cheap way to get…
Dick: It's human.
Maddox: It's a cheap way to get an hour or two of entertainment.
Asterios: It's human. (laughing)
Dick: It's human. You get three days' worth of thinking about it.
Asterios: I felt so cool!!
Dick: Talking to friends about it.
Asterios: I'm gonna keep that lottery ticket forever! I just feel really cool about that lottery ticket.
Maddox: But…but, but…when's the last time before this one that you invested in a lottery, Dick?
Dick: Like, two or three years ago it got up to, like, 300, Erin: 600 million, or something like that.
Maddox: Yeah. Same with me. So, once every two or three years.
Dick: Yeah, that's great.
Maddox: Yeah, but that's once every two or three years…
Dick: It's like leap year. It's fun to talk about it every four years.
Maddox: But…but these huge jackpots that come along, where everybody invests and has fun investing in, right? (Asterios chuckles) They don't happen frequently enough for it to even matter. It's not like…
Dick: (interjects) I don't know how to qualify that.
Maddox: Well, you qualify it compared to movies. You've compared to movies, you say…Sean, you said a movie…(stammers) it's a way better investment of your money for entertainment in terms of how much money you spend and how much entertainment you get, and I agree with that.
Dick: Like, society is, like, a tapestry of these events, though. Like, these…these events…(Asterios cracks up) in the zeitgeist. It's…they all…
Maddox: (interjects) What other…but what other one is there like the lottery that you…'cause like you guys said, for the amount of money you invest, you don't get as much entertainment with anything else. There's nothing else like that!
Dick: They're all different, that's the point.
Asterios: Wait, what about Star Wars!? I was excited about that for months and months and months.
Asterios: And then I spent 18$ on it. I loved it. You hated it.
Dick: I hated it.
Dick: (interjects) But I liked hating it!
Asterios: Yeah, exactly.
Dick: I liked ranting about it!
Asterios: It gave you a fun opinion to have after.
Asterios: And it gives you water cooler talk. It's just like, we all had fun.
Maddox: Right. No one's disputing that.
Asterios: What's the problem? (exhausted)
Maddox: The problem…
Asterios: (interjects) That if you win the lottery, you have a 77% pe..(stammers) percent chance to go bankrupt? I agree.
Dick: So it's a big problem for lottery winners.
Dick: So if you win the lottery, vote it…right? Right?
Maddox: No, no, no.
Dick: It's a big problem FOR lottery winners.
Asterios: Winning the lottery…
Dick: (interjects) Is a problem for the people who won.
Maddox: Yeah, potentially. Yeah.
Asterios: Potentially? 70%.
Dick: Well, it sounds like…
Maddox: (interjects) 70%.
Dick: …most of the time.
Asterios: That's a 7 in 10 chance!
Asterios: That's a hu…there's not a lot of potential not to have that happen. Yeah, I agree.
Maddox: Yeah, it's…it's…kind of a bad thing.
Asterios: It's just…it's just a lot of (giggles) the stats are about how lotteries are shitty, and it's like, "Just say you don't like lotteries!"
Maddox: No, no!! Not a single…hold on. All I said…all I said here was that lotteries are difficult to win. I didn't say that they're shitty.
Maddox: I didn't disagree with your guys' assessment that for 2 or 3 dollars, it's a lot of entertainment. I give you that.
Maddox: I'm not disputing that.
Asterios: Did we just…
Maddox: (interjects) That's why I brought in specifically…
Dick: (interjects) What about scratchers?
Asterios: …hour arguing? When we all agree? Is that what happened?!
Maddox: No!! This…tangent came about because you guys shat all over this guy!!!
Dick: Yeah, he's an asshole!
Asterios: You're being so defensive of this guy!! (yells, laughs)
Maddox: No, but…but the arg…I don't like it, like, you shit on teachers for saying, "I don't want someone who makes 40,000 a year teaching my kids about finances."
Dick: I don't!
Maddox: That's irrelevant.
Dick: How is it irrelevant? (laughing)
Maddox: Because you don't need to make a lot of money to give good advice.
Dick: Ehhhhh. Okay. It helps.
Maddox: Sure, it helps.
Asterios: Look, I don't…(they all talk over each other) think we should push it on teachers, either.
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: Yeah, I don't know if it was…I don't know if that's called shitting on teachers.
Asterios: We're shitting on shit-eating bloggers who eat shit all the time.
Maddox: This…I don't think this guy's a blogger.
Asterios: Their mouths are covered in shit from all the shit they eat.
Maddox: No…and also, I think New York Times writers make a lot more than that.
Asterios: Let's find out this guy's…let's look it up right now. What's this guy's name?
Dick: Alright. Is there more…is there more for lottery winners?
Maddox: No, lottery winners…
Dick: (interjects) What would you do if you won the lottery, by the way?
Asterios: Yeah, what would you do?
Maddox: If I…if I won the lottery…
Dick: (interjects) You'd get the annuity, obviously. You'd take this guy's sound financial advice.
Maddox: The…the annuity makes sense.
Asterios: This 23-year-old blogger got paid $100. (Dick laughs)
Asterios: Who doesn't have health insurance, still on his mom's health insurance, thanks Obamacare.
Dick: Thanks, Obama.
Maddox: Guys, it's the New York Times. It's not some fucking fly-by-night magazine!!
Asterios: You…it's not the 1970's anymore!
Dick: Whoa, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Maddox! All those papers exist to sell ads.
Dick: You should hate them. All they do is write this SHIT to get clicked on, so you look at the ads.
Maddox: No, there was a…
Dick: (interjects) None of it matters!
Maddox: There was a study awhile back that, uh…so, when my first book came out…
Maddox: I had…I worked with a couple of different publicists. And…
Dick: Ahhh. New York Times bestseller. I get it.
Maddox: No, no, no.
Asterios: Ohhhhhhh, you're defending the old grey lady.
Maddox: I like the New York Times!
Maddox: I think that…look…(stammers) whether or not I'm a New York Times bestseller is irrelevant. It's not like I have any association with them. I don't give a shit.
Maddox: It's…I was also a Wall Street Journal bestseller! I was also a…a Reader's Digest bestseller! I was a bestseller across everything!
Dick: That's a good magazine, though.
Asterios: His dick is getting so hard right now. (they all laugh) Saying all these fucking stats!
Maddox: Look, I love myself. But, um…here's…here's the thing.
Dick: Reader's Digest, really?
Maddox: Yeah! Everything. All…all across the board.
Dick: I didn't even know they had a list.
Maddox: Uh…USA Today. I think their bestseller list. Uh..all…Newsweek. They all have bestseller lists. They only one anyone ever mentions is the New York Times.
Dick: What about News Max?
Maddox: And it's irrelevant. Um, no. (giggles) No.
Asterios: What about breitbart.com?
Dick: Yeah, were you on their bestseller list? (grins)
Maddox: No. So…New York Times…
Asterios: The Blaze? (giggles)
Dick: I might have been. The Blaze. (they giggle)
Maddox: New York Times…there was…there…look. I talked to a lot of publicists back in the day.
Asterios: (interjects) You're talking to one now.
Maddox: Publicists' job is to place your…your article…(stammers) like, kind of like an ad for your book or your product. Right, Dick? That…that insurance ad that you brought in last week?
Maddox: That was put in that magazine…in that newspaper by a publicist.
Dick: I mean, that probably wasn't even a newspaper.
Maddox: Publicists…no, D…the Telegraph is. Publicists…
Dick: (interjects) But I don't know if it showed up in the newspaper, I'm saying. It's probably just online, kinda thing.
Maddox: The print one? I dunno. The publicist's job is to do that. To place these puff pieces into newspapers to get them a lot of traction and basically, it's like a stealthy ad for your product, right?
Maddox: And there was a study done awhile back, where across the board, almost every single newspaper was susceptible to these PR pieces, because publicists sometimes tried to do it in very stealthy ways. They'll hire a journalist to write this little piece for your product, and then pitch it to the New York Times. And they're legitimate journalists, but the New York Times sniffs them out and keeps them…keeps them from being printed and published in their magazine. That's why I respect the New York Times.
Dick: Paper. Yeah…
Maddox: Is because they are the least likely to print any kind of puff pieces from journalists and PR pieces. If I see an ad, I want to know it's an ad. If I came in and started shilling Harry's and I didn't disclose to my listeners that we were being paid for that? That's fucking dishonest. I have a problem with that. But I don't…(stammers) and similarly, that's why I have a problem with magazines and newspapers who do that with PR puff pieces when they don't do their due diligence to research the source. New York Times does their due diligence. That's why it's a respectable magazine. Er, newspaper.
Dick: You would say they're the Harry's of newspapers.
Maddox: No, I would not.
Dick: 'Cause Harry's is a great product. (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: Yeah, absolutely.
Maddox: Harry's is a great product.
Dick: Let's not…let's not get off track here.
Asterios: Yeah. It's the razor of record.
Maddox: That's…that's my problem, guys. (Dick laughs)
Asterios: Yes! Alright, well, then…
Asterios: Well, my problem is Last Call!
Dick: Uh…my problem was Not Enough Toilets!
(Closing riff starts)
Dick: Holy shit!! Affects billions of people!
Maddox: And my problem is Lottery Winners!
Dick and Asterios: See you next Tuesday!
Dick: Alright, I got a voice mail from weird Matthew McConaughey. You remember last week, when Weird Matthew McConaughey sent in that…the question. The question of the week. Sean, you were absent for this one. The question of the week was from Weird Matthew McConaughey. "Would you see more boobs…"
Maddox: Oh, right.
Dick: "…if you were invisible, or if you were a dog?"
Asterios: Ohh. That's a good question.
Dick: Asterios, what's your answer for that one?
Asterios: Uh, I assume…I assume a dog, because an invisible man still has to open doors, close doors, like, invisible man is gonna get caught at some point.
Asterios: If you're getting naked in front of a dog, you're just gonna do that a lot.
Dick: Reasonable. And Maddox, you said a man…
Dick: Because then you can jerk off.
Dick: Right? Okay. Well, he…
Asterios: Well, is your cum visible?
Maddox: (interjects) No, it's invisible cum.
Dick: Let's not get…let's not get off into the weeds, here.
Dick: This is 'cause weird Matthew McConaughey called in and gave what he considered the correct answer.
Asterios: No, sure. Okay. I'd love to hear it.
(Voice male: male voice (Weird Matthew McConaughey): "Hey, guys." (they giggle) "I'm back again. Maddox, you really fucked up on that answer." (they crack up) "Being invisible is the wrong answer. And this is why. You said you could jerk it. Aaaaaaand, you couldn't as a puppy. But that's wrong, dude. As a puppy, you could just give yourself a blowjob, basically."
Maddox: Okay. (giggles)
"No one fucking even minds dogs licking themselves."
Maddox: But you're a child. You're a baby.
"They do it all the time."
"But if you're invisible and you're fucking standing, like, three feet from the woman…" (Dick guffaws)
"Hey, she's gonna hear all that fucking jerking!"
Asterios: Yeah! Exactly. (Maddox giggles)
"And you know it's gonna sound like hair…wet hair, basically."
(they talk over each other)
Asterios: I don't know about that last part.
"And second of all, when you cum, as the cum leaves your body, it's gonna become visible again."
Asterios: Checkmate, Maddox!
Dick: There you go.
"How the fuck do you explain that?" (Dick and Maddox laugh)
"If you're a doggie, or a…or a cat…or, uh…any sort of animal, no one's gonna really fucking question that."
Dick: No one's gonna question it.
"…fuckin'…just go hide in a corner, cum on the wall, and fucking leave." (Dick giggles)
Maddox: You…(laughing) no one's gonna question a puppy sitting in the corner giving himself auto fellatio, who's not sexually mature.
Dick: No! They do it all the time! (grins)
Maddox: They're not sexually mature. Puppies are, like, you know. Like any other animal. You're not sexually mature. So you're…he's suggesting to you that you become a puppy, watch a girl's boobs, and then suck yourself off. By the way, I don't want my own weiner in my mouth, bro!!
Dick: Why? It's in your hand!
Asterios: He's not suggesting that you become a puppy.
Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I wanna…(giggles)
Asterios: The question was…okay, no, I'm sorry. You're right. I cut you right off 'cause I was…we were both disgusted with him for different reasons. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. You wouldn't want your weiner in your mouth?
Maddox: I don't think so.
Dick: You don't think so? You never thought of it?
Maddox: I've thought of it. I think of it all the time.
Asterios: You want your weiner in someone else's mouth.
Maddox: Someone else's mouth, yeah, all the time.
Dick: I mean, if you're…if you want it in their mouth…
Asterios: If you could give yourself a…
Dick: …you should be willing to put your own weiner in your own mouth.
Maddox: Noooooo, Noooooo.
Asterios: You should put your mouth…you should put your mouth where your weiner is.
Dick: Yeah, exactly. (giggles)
Maddox: No. No…I'm not gonna put my mouth where my weiner is.
Asterios: You sound sexist, Maddox. And that's all I'm gonna say. (they laugh)
Dick: That is…that is VERY sexist!! (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Yeah, that's all I'm gonna say.
Maddox: Sexist against myself?! Who am I sexist against?!
Asterios: I'm just gonna say you're sexist and I'm ready to move on.
Dick: I mean, you don't have to swallow, but you just gotta get it in your mouth.
Maddox: Well, there's gonna be precum!
Asterios: Just pull out!
Maddox: I don't want to taste my own precum!!! (giggles)
Dick: Probably tastes like cinnamon!
Maddox: Ohhhh, that's true.
Dick: With all the cinnamon you eat!
Asterios: With all the Fireball whiskey you eat.
Maddox: Shit, Dick. That's a good point.
(Sound effect: 'Ding!')
Asterios: Alright. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: There you go! You wasted all this time going to Starbucks, you could stay home blowing yourself. (grins)
Maddox: Suck…suck myself off. (Asterios and Maddox crack up)
Dick: You gotta start coming to pilates with me!!
Maddox: Ugh. (sighs)
Dick: I got, uh…okay. Here's…here's someone talking about the Little Mermaid. You were harsh. You were hard on the Little Mermaid. You had a video about it too, about the Little Mermaid.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. The Disney version, yeah.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, Maddox!"
Maddox: Yes? (giggles)
"I have a counterpoint to your Little Mermaid point!"
"Goes like this!" (they giggle) "Part of your world…Under the Sea…and fucking..Kiss the Girl. Three great songs in a great animated movie…"
"That your fucking precious Hans Christian Anderson bullshit story got ruined."
"And your childhood was raped."
Maddox: Right. (Dick giggles)
"Vote up infantilism!!"
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs)
"You pussy-ass bitch! (laughs)") (they all crack up)
Maddox: What a fucking asshole idiot!! First of all, dickhead, those songs wouldn't exist without Hans Christian Anderson, fuckface!
Dick: Well, okay. Alright.
Maddox: That's all…that's all I need to say!!! Those songs…
Asterios: (interjects) But they're not…
Dick: (interjects) But they're integral to the Disney version of The Little Mermaid.
Maddox: Their Disney is just…
Asterios: (interjects) All music wouldn't exist without…it's, like, yeah. Art is built upon art. It doesn't mean that the art that came later is worse than the art that came before.
Dick: And that art was pretty good.
Maddox: Sometimes it is, Asterios!!! Sometimes it is!!
Asterios: Well, of course SOMETIMES IT IS!!
Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh. They made some…some cute songs that I can market and sell albums. (goofy voice) Bleeeeeeeeeeeh!!!! Jizz all over my face.
Asterios: They're great. They're great songs.
Dick: Ohhhhhhoooooooo. That's very cynical. Those are great songs.
Maddox: Yeah. Ohhh. (groans)
Asterios: Those are actually really…and look. I'm not just disagreeing with you for the sake of a podcast. Like, Alan Menken wrote some really good songs.
Maddox: I'm not do…look, lots…a lot of people like those songs. That doesn't change the criticism that I had for the Disney version of The Little Mermaid.
Dick: Wait. Wait a minute.
Maddox: No lessons!
Dick: A lot of people? Are you gonna sit here and say that you do not like the song Kiss the Girl?
Maddox: No, I hate that song.
Dick: I…I find that very hard to believe.
Maddox: I hate the way…I hate the way the frogs kinda croon in that song. I hate the way the crabs' lips go (goofy voice) "Nnngh, kiss the girl."
Dick: Well, ignoring the animation. Just the song.
Maddox: It's not a good song, no!
Asterios: (sings) Well, you're dying to try, but you don't know why…
Maddox: No. (annoyed)
Dick: …know why. You gotta kiss the girl.
Asterios: You gotta kiss the giiiiiiiirl.
Dick: That's romantic as shit, man.
Maddox: Bullshit. It's not romantic. No, it's not.
Dick: You should sing that to a girl on your brunch dates.
Maddox: I will not.
Dick: That'll end real quickly.
Maddox: No. (stammers) You know what? I take umbrage with that song…because he's manipulating the situation!!
Asterios: You take um…
Maddox: (interjects) Yes, I take umbrage!! (yells)
Dick: Who's he?
Maddox: He is manipulating…the fucking crab! He's suggesting…
Asterios: The crab is wingmanning the hell out of Ariel!! (yells)
Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhh. Kiss the girl? Kiss the girl?
Asterios: EXCUSE the crab for wanting Ariel to get a little bit of action!!
Maddox: No, he's not. Really? The lyrics say "kiss the girl", dickhead.
Maddox: Who is he talking to? The prince!
Dick: The guy.
Maddox: The guy!!
Asterios: It's like…it's like if…(stammers) your friend leaves the room and the girl is left behind and you're just, like, "Hey, isn't that…my friend's pretty cool. He's a nice guy." You're wingmanning. You're trying to gin up the situation!
Dick: No, it's the other way! Your friend is the girl, and the guy…that she's…that she's with is really nervous, and you're like, "No, she likes you."
Dick: I know she likes you.
Maddox: Guys, if I was sitting in your ear, on a date, constantly saying. "Hey man. Kiss the girl. Why don't you grope her? Why don't you touch her?"
Asterios: If you say it like that, you…
Maddox: "Why don't you grab her thigh?" OH, if I sing it?!!?
Asterios: You fucking backseat driver pervert!!!
Maddox: It makes it okay?! It makes it okay if I sing it, you dick?! If I…(goofy voice, sings) "Hey man, why don't you grope the girl?" Woooohoooooooowoooooohoh (sings)
Asterios: If you sound like Sebastian, yes!!!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Fuck you!!!
Dick: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. (they all talk over each other)
Asterios: With a singing voice like Sebastian, yes!!!!
Dick: No, that's…that's absolutely true.
Dick: If you can sing it, and it doesn't sound creepy, it's not creepy. It's not as easy as you think to write a song about…
Asterios: (tries to do a creepy Sebastian, sounds like French Batman) "….you gotta kiss the…" of course that's creepy!
Dick: Yeah, that's creepy.
Asterios: You gotta sing it…
Maddox: You guys are creepy as fuck.
Dick: Okay. One more. One more.
Asterios: Agree to disagree. Alright.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, I thought that Dick's problem about the remote control was kind of, um, a weird one."
"And then I looked it up, and iPhones don't have an IR blaster, you stupid fuck!!!")
Maddox: I'm the stupid fuck!?
Dick: Weird?! No, he's talking to me. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah…oh. He's…he's talking to you?
Dick: He's calling me a…yeah! Relax! (grins)
Sean: He's just so used to it! (they laugh)
Asterios: You've got so much umbrage today! OH, MY LORD!!
Dick: Yeah!!! (Maddox laughs) You gotta…you gotta blast some of your IR.
Maddox: Maybe I'll be an invisible dog. Suck myself off. (Asterios snorts)
Dick: Alright, one more. I mean, I didn't think losing the remote was weird. It happens to everybody, but that guy thinks it's weird. Weird.
Dick: That problem is weird. (Asterios laughs) Never encountered that before in his life. Lost…lost remote.
Asterios: Sorry we're not perfect.
Dick: What a WEIRD problem.
Maddox: It's in the living room.
Asterios: With your wild stuff. Alright, let's keep going, sorry.
(Voice mail: male voice: "Maddox, you fucking dope!!"
Dick: This one's about you.
"I'm still mad about your Little Mermaid shit! First of all, Disney's Little Mermaid has a fantastic message, or an interesting one. It's about…the Little Mermaid, Ariel, discovering that all the bullshit that her parents told her as a kid, is lies, and doing her own thing and turning her back on her own society!"
Dick: That's true!
"That's fucking cool, man!"
Dick: It's true.
Maddox: No. That's…how is that a good lesson?
"Secondly, fuck your copyright shit! You can copyright deez nuts!! (they crack up) And thirdly…have you been on the Little Mermaid ride at Disneyland?!"
Maddox: No. (annoyed) (Asterios cackles)
"It's fucking magical. Where's your fucking Hans Christian Anderson ride?"
Maddox: God. Idiots.
"Up your butt?"
Maddox: Yeah, it stole it!!! (Asterios giggles, snorts)
"With fucking other dudes? Ah, that's homophobic. I don't wanna go there. Fuck you, Maddox." (Dick laughs)
Dick: Too late, you did.
Maddox: Thank you. (laughing)
Dick: You did.
Asterios: So how would the Hans Christian Anderson ride end? A woman committing suicide on a big rock?
Asterios: Welcome to Disneyland!!!
Maddox: You would…and with a…(stammers) maybe a preachy sermon, right? Where you learn a less…
(file cuts off)