November 25, 2014, Maddox
Episode 28 Transcript
courtesy of Laurie Foster
| Airline Surcharges ||3988|
| Not Enough Black Friday Violence ||2606|
| Mandatory Holiday Shifts ||808|
| Snakes ||-2148|
Listen up, consumer whores!
Want a federally mandated holiday off? Too bad! Even requesting a day off between November 15 and January 1st isn't allowed in some stores.
Not that it matters, because over half of consumers will be shopping online
, so all these draconian slave-labor policies are moot. And the biggest horse-shit justification for all of this? Walmart thinks they're doing you a favor, like airlines and gas stations
Speaking of airlines, good news: their profits are up because of ancillary revenue
*. To the tune of $20.4 billion dollars.
*Good news is strictly for the airlines, and not ass-hammered consumers.
And now the House has anonymously approved
the "transparent airfares act," in a move to help destroy irony for all time.
For some reason, there's an incredibly detailed list of snake bite fatalities
in the US. Specifically the preacher and his son who died
while performing the miracle of mishandling a snake.
And here's the Black Friday Death Count
scoreboard. Let's hope it hits 7 billion this year!
And finally, here are the bullshit songs Dick commissioned from someone just to gloat. I wasn't sure what the titles of these songs were, so I named them myself:
1. Dick's an asshole - douche guitar mix
2. Dick is a jerk store that's open 24-hours a day that sells nothing but jerks, i.e., himself.
Update: because people asked, here's the alternate "Snakes Are Boring" thumbnail for this episode: