Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 28
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyy, what's up buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back, Sean.
Sean: Thank you very much.
Dick: What were you doin', Sean? Were you farming more ass?
Sean: Yeah, it was really weird. I actually got invited to a party and then I woke up at Bill Cosby's house (Maddox chuckles) wearing a multicolored sweater.
Maddox: Right off the bat! Alright.
Dick: Who won, Maddox?! Last week was a very exciting week with your gigantic softball of a problem that you brought in.
Maddox: Yeah. I got a softball for you. I got a couple you can put in your mouth. Hey listen, Dick. Look. No one won last week, 'cause it's not a contest. Alright?
Dick: Uh-oh. (grinning)
Maddox: It's never been a contest! Because it doesn't make sense to say who wins between toothpicks, and , I dunno, say, bullhorns.
Dick: Okay. So who didn't win last week, then. Should we start there?
Maddox: You didn't win with 'Engineering Sexism'! (laughs)
Dick: Ooohohoho!!! Yeaah!! I actually blew you out, asshole! (yells)
Dick: I saw those votes! I killed you! I creamed you!
Maddox: Oh. Okay. I got an impromptu "Dick Versus Dick". Weren't you saying…weren't you calling shenanigans and saying that was a vote grab, my Facebook problem?
Dick: Yeah. Your Facebook problem was a vote grab.
Maddox: And you were wrong.
Dick: And everybody agreed with me.
Maddox: So can we…we agree that you're wrong. (laughs) That was not a vote grab. I win! There we go.
Dick: So, someone in the comments said that I shouldn't gloat so much when I win?
Maddox: Oh. (scoffs) Oh yeah.
Dick: And he had a point, except I had already written this song about winning. (laughs) (Maddox laughs)
(Song starts to play, electric guitar/drums, singer sings "Maddox LOST!" "Maddox LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "'Cause his problems fucking sucked!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick is the winner!" song ends) (Dick and Maddox cracking up in the background throughout)
Dick: Fuck you! I win! You know what's great about that song, is it's so short you can hear it twice.
Maddox: N-…(cracks up)
(Song starts to play, electric guitar/drums, singer sings "Maddox LOST!" "Maddox LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "'Cause his problems fucking sucked!" (Maddox: Ohhh, boy.) (Dick: Fuckin' sucked!) "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick is the winner!" song ends)
Dick: Ahhhh. Feels good, man.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: Feels good. Thank you.
Maddox: Alright. Alright. Bravo, Dick. Real good.
Dick: Thank you. Thanks.
Maddox: Real funny. Real funny joke. I love that song! (Dick cracks up) Real funny. I fucking love it. (angry) You know what? You know what, Dick? I don't have anything prepared right at this fucking moment, but you're gonna get yours. Okay?
Maddox: You're gonna get yours, Next episode, you're gonna hear it.
Dick: Oh yeah? (breathless from laughing)
Maddox: It's coming.
Dick: Speaking of having things prepared, I got something else prepared for you.
(Music clip starts, dramatic 80's sound rolls into a rap song: "Maddox lost the argument. Who will be the next target. Dick ___________it should be. All from here in Tennessee. Oh yeah, we're having a championship, new form of podcast (Dick: That's right! (laughing)) , the biggest problems in the universe. How big of a loser can Maddox ____really be? Back here with crybaby in the spelling bee. We're gonna mark this down in the fucking ___________. (Dick: I dunno. (laughing)) (Maddox: What the fuck is this?! (laughing)) Dick is the motherfucking champ. It's true, Maddox likes the argument, now he __________a supplement. It's okay, Maddox…(becomes difficult to hear as Maddox yells)
Maddox: (yelling) What the fuck is this? What is this horseshit?! (Dick laughs) Why am I listening to this on my fucking show?! Turn this…turn this…I'm gonna cut the cord!! Cut the cord. Cancel this episode. Cancel the show. Cancel everything.
Dick: Alright. That's it. That's it. That's all the songs I have. (laughing)
Maddox: First of all, fuck you to that guy! (Sean laughs) And second, that's fucking awesome! Who did that?
Dick: (laughing) It's this dude! Um, I'll put his name in the post.
Maddox: That's like…one of my favorite…what's the guy? Pharoahe Monch? I dunno how to pronounce it. He did that Godzilla drop. That Godzilla mix.
Maddox: It's SO fucking cool and it was from the movie Boiler Room. Well, they played it during the soundtrack, I think, during the credits. It's a fucking cool…dude, um…thanks for doing that! (Dick cracks up) For the wrong fucking reason! I hate that guy, but love that guy. That…that was incredible.
Dick: Good songs. Talented people.
Maddox: No! Those are shit songs. You're gonna get yours so hard, Dick!
Dick: (laughing) Okay. And then what was the next problem? What was second place?
Dick: Okay. Mouthful.
(Sound effect: Clapping) (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Maddox: I have some sounds and music too. And then, Asterios with his Burlesque dancers problem, with -1 votes. (laughing)
Dick: Yeah. I looked at that one. That…so, he got over 2000 votes on that problem.
Dick: Making that problem the most controversial problem we've ever had on this show. 'Cause it's at exactly 0. That means as many people disagree with him as agree with him.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: So that's a big problem. It's the most controversial problem in the universe!
Dick: Burlesque dancers. That's right at 0!
Maddox: You know what? You know what, Dick? Your…what was it, the masseuse problem, your horseshit masseuse problem that you brought in?
Dick: Right. Know-it-all masseuses.
Maddox: Yeah. Know-it-all masseuses. That's been near 0 for a couple of weeks, if not months. So I would check the stats on that. You might want to check the stats.
(Sound clip: Dick: I got a stats for you.)
Dick: I will.
Maddox: Anyway, Dick. Um, I got a comment. From Sarah Hoffman about your problem that you brought in. Which, you know, by the way, speaking of vote grabs. Um, so she said, "As a female mechanical engineer, I think the bowling shirt is rad."
Maddox: Yeah. So do we, Sarah. It's not a big deal. I also got one from Megan Pennock, uh, she's the one who's been doing the transcriptions with Laurie Foster. Thank you, Megan. She said…she quoted that guy from the article. And, by the way, it was a guy who wrote that article. That outrage article.
Dick: Oh yeah. I knew that. Did I phrase it wrong during the show?
Maddox: Uh, you may have mentioned it. So, she quoted him. She said, "They, (the women) hear comments about bitches while being at bars with fellow science students and then they decide to change majors." So she quoted him and then she said, "This has never happened. Anyone that easily offended wouldn't be able to make it out of their house, let alone all the way into a bar."
Dick: Yeah. No. Uh, I got one from Curtis Hodack. "If your life plan loses to a shirt, you fucking suck. Also, it's great that a shirt is the biggest problem you face in life. Real adversity would destroy you."
Maddox: Yeah. I got one from Kristy Chapman. "The most offensive thing about the whole bowling shirt thing is that the Verge…" That's the website that published that article. "…thinks that because of my boobs, I should be offended by some guy's shirt."
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: And by the way, the guy didn't have boobs. He's not…since when…who appointed this guy to be the spokesperson for women to be offended for them?
Dick: I dunno. The Verge did, I guess.
Maddox: He's not qualified. There's only one qualification you need to be offended as a woman. And that's being a woman. (Dick laughs)
Dick: That's a good point.
Maddox: He failed 100% of the qualifications.
Maddox: He failed that test.
Dick: I got one from Sword And Ink, on Twitter. "@dickmasterson, Congratulations @plant…" That's the guy who wrote the article, Chris Plante.
Maddox: Chris Plante.
Dick: "Hope that clickbait made you rich, you rat piece of shit." I dunno, yeah. That's pretty concise. (laughing) Sword and Ink.
Maddox: (laughs) What is he, a 1920's gangster? You rat piece of shit!
Maddox: Um, yeah. So should we get to the problems? Do you have any more comments?
Dick: No. I got some voice mails.
Maddox: Let's hear the voice mails.
Dick: Well, people have been reacting to your "Dick Versus Dick" comments.
Maddox: Yeah, great. (skeptical) Here comes a Maddox Versus Maddox. I'm waiting for ir.
Dick: No, no. Hold on.
(Voice mail: (male) I think "2004 Maddox" is really Dick and a pussy attempt to counter Dick Versus Dick. Here's a good idea, Dick. Listen to your own fucking podcast and make sure you don't say something contrary to yourself, and Dick Versus Dick will go the fuck away and so will this pussy ass attempt at 2004 Maddox. (Dick: Poor Maddox. (Maddox laughs) I never understood why that one guy a few voice mails ago on one of your episodes wanted to bodyslam you through a table. You know, until 2004 Maddox came on, and now I totally fucking get it, and now I totally want to fucking body slam you through a table after I set you on fucking fire, you passive pussy. (Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) Yeah, I know that would set me on fire too, but guess what? (Dick: Thaat's true. Contradicted himself in this voice mail! (Maddox giggles)) That's how much I hate your pussy ass attempt at 2004 Maddox, you bitch.")
Dick: See? It's hard not to contradict yourself! You didn't make it 40 seconds there, buddy, without contradicting yourself. I'm not 2004 Maddox.
Maddox: Are…are you sure?
Dick: No. I'm not. It's a guy by the name of Matthew Guerrero. He says it in the comments.
Maddox: Yeah. What, he thinks that was you? When you checked that voice mail?
Dick: Yeah, he thought that was me calling in as 2004 you.
Maddox: Oh, no.
Dick: Which is a funny bit, but I didn't think of it.
Maddox: Yeah. It's a funny bit.
Dick: I'm way less subtle. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: My bits are more like this…
Maddox: Yeah okay! (angry) (Dick laughs)
(Song starts to play, electric guitar/drums, singer sings "Maddox LOST!" "Maddox LOST!" then cuts off)
Maddox: Tired of this shit! Turn that off! (angry) I'm gonna fucking break that fuckin' iPad. I' so pissed. This is bullshit.
Dick: I do have…I do have this one, it's a Maddox Versus Maddox.
(Voice mail: (male) "Hey, Dick and Maddox. Anthony here. Long-time fan of both of you guys. Loving the podcast. Just gotta say though, "Dick Versus Dick" is a bullshit segment." (Dick: It's true.) Fuckin…here's some Maddox Versus Maddox for you. (Maddox: Great.) The only thing you splurge on, Maddox, are travel and good food? But you're willing to rail on people who spend a little bit of extra money on wine and steak? (Maddox: Yeah.) Fuck you!)
Maddox: Oh, fuck you!
Dick: (laughs) What do you…what do have to say about that?
Maddox: No! That's it? That's his whole entire argument?
Dick: No, there's more.
Maddox: Yeah, no. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to hear it…fuck…oh, great.
(Clip continues to play "…Facebook? ………….technology….? You're too lazy to use the cumbersome features? You know what? If you can't figure out the features on Facebook, I don't know how the fuck you expect to use an Android or code your own website. That's just fucking retarded.")
Dick: Fucking retarded. He's got you there.
Maddox: Fucking retarded. Wow. Great argument, dude. You know what? Why don't you figure out how to use your cell phone so it doesn't sound like shit? (Dick laughs)
Sean: Yeah, I was gonna say. The fucker's too lazy to roll up his window. And take it off speaker phone. Jesus Christ.
Maddox: Yeah! Take it off of fucking speaker phone and get out of the…what is he, standing in a tin can talking to us? That fucking idiot? I don't need lectures from this jackass! (disgusted) This bozo! (Dick laughs) Who doesn't understand technology! He doesn't even understand how to not make his voice not sound shitty! We've had…we've had people call into the show who are older, younger.
Maddox: We had a three-year-old on last time.
Dick: He sounded pretty good.
Maddox: He sounded CRYSTAL CLEAR! What's your problem, dipshit?
Dick: And he was in Ireland, no less! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. What's that, like a billion miles away. One BILLION miles away.
Dick: Point. Counter point. Here's the next one.
(Voice mail: (male) "Hey guys. My name's Ryan from Pennsylvania and I hate Amish people. They are the true biggest problem in the universe (Dick: Okay.) and I'm sure that you'll get to them eventually. (Dick: Maybe. Maddox: (giggles) Right, okay.) Uh, I just wanted to say that I love the show. Thanks for doing it. Maddox, you are killing it with the "Dick Versus Dick" segment. (Dick: Mmm.) It's a good thing that all your arguments are rock solid and that you're invulnerable to contradiction. (Maddox: Mmkay. (skeptical) Dick: Yep. (grins)) Dick might actually have some ammo to fire back at you. (Maddox: Mhmm.) On a side note, I wanted to congratulate you for doing the right thing in the Jennifer Lawrence's Tits Episode and taking a stand against victim blaming, which is a huge problem in modern culture (Maddox: Yeah. Dick: Yeah. Way to go. Maddox: You're welcome) Um, I know that you personally would never blame a victim for being the victim of a crime…(Dick: You would never do that. Maddox: Oh boy, here we go. Elizabeth Smart. ) like, as just a random example, if people on the subway were getting their Beats by Dre headphones stolen…(Maddox: Oh, that was hilarious!! (laughs)) that would blame the criminals who perpetrated the theft and not the guy wearing the headphones in the first place, stupid though they may be. So, thanks for being consistent and levelheaded… (Dick and Maddox crack up)…through every episode and keep up the great work! See ya.")
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: You know what? Fuck that guy! He's full of shit. Look, that guy's not a victim. WE'RE the victim. Okay? If somebody's in the subway yelling at someone else and someone stands up and punches them…
Maddox: I wouldn't say, "Oh man, that poor victim got punched." I'd say no. Someone stopped that transgression around everyone else in the subway. Right?
Dick: Oh. Yeah. Okay. I see what you're saying now.
Maddox: No you don't.
Dick: I understand. No, I do!
Maddox: No you don't. You're so…
Dick: I do understand now.
Maddox: Mmkay. (skeptical)
Dick: I understand, yeah. He's…he made the first blow on us by wearing the Beats in the first place.
Dick: It's a good point. Uh, here's another one for you. Oh, Butt Sanchez sent these in, I think.
Maddox: Oh, Butt Sanchez. My favorite.
Dick: Our buddy, Butt Sanchez. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. What does he have chlamydia now?
(Recording: Maddox: "Hey. You see a guy drinking a cold glass of Fireball whiskey in the bar? That's me, not giving a fuck. Right? That's what a real man does. He drinks what he wants to. It's not a popularity contest!")
Dick: You remember saying that?
Maddox: Yeah, I remember saying that. Not a big deal. I stand behind it.
(Recording: Maddox: "It's the only…it's one of the few spicy things that you can drink without looking like an asshole. (Dick: Ohhh!) 'Cause if you're at a bar at night, drinking a Blood Mary…(Maddox laughs) You're a dick! Like some jerkoff. Oh, who's that jerkoff over there with a fuckin' vegetable tray in his drink?")
Dick: Which one is it, Maddox?
Maddox: (stammers) I didn't contradict myself! I drink…I don't drink spicy drinks at night in the bar, like a Blood Mary. Actually, no, that's not true. I do, but not Blood Marys. Bloody Mary is a fucking salad that you can drink.
Dick: It's also a hamburger. It can also have hamburgers in it.
Maddox: (laughing) It can be. It can be. But it's a fun, silly thing to do on a brunch date when you have a chick with you. You wake up the next morning and you wanna keep drinking, but also not look like an asshole day drinking, so that's what you drink, is a Bloody Mary. You don't drink that at night at a bar! I didn't contradict myself. I'll drink hot sauce all fucking day. Is that a hot sauce comment?
Dick: I think…uh, no. I think his point was you drink Fireball because you don't care what people think about you…
Dick: Yet, you can't drink a Bloody Mary at night, 'cause then people think you're an asshole.
Maddox: I don't care if people think I'm an asshole.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: I'm just telling you what you look like.
Dick: So drink whatever you want.
Dick: That's the lesson we learned today.
Maddox: I do.
Dick: Uhhh…should we get to the problems?
Maddox: Yeah. What do you got this week, Dick?
Dick: I've got…here it comes, by the way. This is our 100th problem! Did you know that?
Maddox: Oh! I'm going first! (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: You know, Dick, in the comments last time, too, a lot of people were commenting about that. They said that we've got 99 problems, but the Biggest Problem ain't one.
Maddox: That's…kind of funny. (grins)
Dick: Yeah. Do you wanna go first?
Maddox: You bet.
Dick: You fucking asshole.
Maddox: (laughs) My first problem this week is for our 100th problem…
Dick: What a fucking asshole! (Maddox laughs) Can you believe that?! I should have said the problem first and then said that was the 100th. I knew I should have done that! Fuck you, Maddox!!!
Maddox: Mandatory Holiday Shifts. (laughs)
Dick: Goddamn it.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Oh, thank you Maddox! Yeah. That is a big problem! Mandatory Holiday Shifts. Dick, you know what this is, right?
Maddox: So, uh…this is essentially an employer telling their employees that they have to work on a holiday. What do you think about that?
Dick: Yeah. It's no big deal. If you have a problem with that, get a better job!
Maddox: Great. I knew you were gonna say that.
Dick: It's part of work.
Dick: Oh, sorry, what else do you want off? Should we give you your birthday off? Do you want Halloween, the holiday, off? Go to work! You're lucky you have a job. If your employer can make you show up to work on a holiday, you're lucky to be working there!
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause you don't have skills!
Maddox: Great. Great. That's it. Here's why your birthday shouldn't be off. Because it's not a national holiday, Dick. We have a standard, and it's called national holidays. You have those off. And you don't have off bullshit made-up holidays like your birthday. It's not a holiday. So that's why people…and what if you're in Oklahoma? Lemme give you an example. There's this guy from Yahoo…this was a Yahoo News article. He said one employee said Human Resources has told them "If you do not come to work on Thanksgiving, you will automatically be fired."
Maddox: What if you live in Oklahoma and there are no other jobs and that's pretty much it and you have no choice, but the employer has forced you to come in on these holidays, so you have no time off.
Dick: You're getting paid!
Maddox: Well, they're paying them the normal rate. The argument's been made that they're being paid time and a half. That's not true!
Dick: They shouldn't be paid time and a half! It's a normal day. It doesn't matter that federal employees have it off. It's still a day just like any other.
Maddox: Do you take days off? Do you take days off, Dick?
Maddox: I mean, other than, like, the constant days off you've taken in not preparing for the show. (laughs)
Dick: What do you mean, do I take days off.
Maddox: Do you take days off? Do you take any time off from work?
Dick: Of course.
Dick: Because…because it's work. By definition, it's labor. I like to relax.
Maddox: Oh, you like to relax?
Maddox: You like to have some time off?
Maddox: Yeah. What do you do in your time off, Dick?
Dick: Jerk off, mostly.
Dick: Watch Netflix.
Maddox: Mhmm. Eat expensive steaks.
Dick: Harass women on Facebook.
Maddox: You harass women everywhere.
Maddox: Yeah. So the things that you like to do. That makes you, you.
Maddox: You're allowed to do because you have time off. What if…what if suddenly, because of some circumstance, your employer, or whatever circumstances came up in your life…you weren't able to take any more time off?
Dick: Any more time off? That's not the problem you're bringing in. This is Mandatory Holiday Working. They still have normal working hours. This is part of their normal shift.
Maddox: This is not part of their normal shift.
Dick: It absolutely is! So they're forcing them to come in above and beyond 40 hours per week?
Maddox: Well, they open at weird hours. They're gonna be open at, like, 6 AM. I think K-Mart is opening at 6 AM on Thanksgiving?
Dick: Yeah. That's…
Maddox: You think that's normal?
Dick: That's fine. That's part of the job. If you're taking a retail job, when you sign up to work at K-Mart, or Wal-Mart, or a toy store around Christmas, like I did when I was a kid?
Dick: Part of that job. Part of taking that job is realizing that you're gonna have to work on holidays.
Maddox: Dick, the reason this is news right now, this year, more than any other, Wal-Mart, for example, has always been open, I think for over 20 years, since 1988 they've been open on Thanksgiving. It's not a big deal, right? Not news. But the reason it's news now is because a LOT of other companies are doing that. So if you took that job with the expectation of having to work on Thanksgiving, and Christmas, and New Year's Eve, that's a different story. But not this about-switch, midstream bullshit that they're pulling, just like telephone companies when they decide, "Oh, hey, you've already signed the contract? Guess what. No more unlimited minutes. No more unlimited data." That's bullshit! If you go in with that expectation, that's a different story, but they're switching the contract midstream. They're switching expectations midstream. That's bullshit.
Dick: Yeah, I don't have a problem with it.
Maddox: Of course not, Dick!
Maddox: Of course. Why not?
Dick: 'Cause you're working a normal day. You're working. You gotta put in your hours, man. It sucks, but it's an incentive to get out of that shitty job. Go become a manager, go back to school, go to ITT Tech, learn air conditioning repair, do something to get out of that situation! Empower yourself!
Maddox: Oh, sure. Great. Become a manager.
Maddox: Sure. Just like, magic some management jobs. The rarest type of job in any kind of clerical industry.
Dick: Hey, sorry man! Life's competitive! I got bad news for you. Some people get shit on!
Dick: And they're working on Thanksgiving!
Maddox: Right. They…you know…some of the malls are starting to open on Thanksgiving, from 6 PM to 11 PM, like for four hours…
Dick: 6 AM to 11 PM you're saying? Or after 6.
Maddox: No. Well, unless this is a typo in the article. This is from the New York Times. They said from 6 PM to 11 PM on Thanksgiving day.
Dick: So they're having, like, extended hours?
Maddox: No, I think it's just four hours, according to this.
Dick: Oh, that's weird.
Maddox: Yeah. It is really weird.
Maddox: You know, the only thing more depressing than having to work on Thanksgiving is being in a mall on Thanksgiving. (laughs) Right?
Maddox: At least the employees are paid to be there. You're volunteering your time to be in that shit hole. Like when you're hanging out in those malls on Thanksgiving day.
Dick: When you're going shopping?
Maddox: Which, by the way, I need to explain this for people who aren't American. We have this holiday called Thanksgiving. We take it off and have turkey. That's it.
Dick: Yeah. Not a big deal! So if you had to miss it to go to work, it wouldn't be a big problem.
Maddox: Here's another quote. "Wal-Mart officials say that they're doing consumers a favor by opening on Thanksgiving to reduce the long lines that have upset many shoppers on Black Friday. Wal-Mart announced on Tuesday that it would spread Black Friday over five days."
Dick: That's good.
Maddox: Yeah. It's bullshit, is what it is, Dick! (Dick laughs) 'Cause this isn't for consumers, right? That's fucking bullshit. You know that's bullshit. It's not for consumers.
Dick: It totally is for…
Maddox: (interjects) No, it's not!
Dick: Go ahead, go ahead, but I do think it's for consumers!
Maddox: It's not. It's for their bottom line! You can't spread Black Friday over five days, because Friday isn't five days long! It's one day long by definition. It has the word 'day' right in the title! Fri-Day. One. (Dick chuckles) Singular.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: And the reason Black Fridays…doorbusting sales exist is to get people in the store to get them pumped up and buy other products!
Maddox: If you spread it out over five days, that defeats the purpose!
Dick: Of getting people in the door?
Maddox: Well yeah!
Dick: No, I…I disagree, because it's chaos on Black Friday. If they spread it out and get the same amount of people in, like if they spread it out a little bit over time.
Maddox: Dick, the only…
Dick: Then that's good for them.
Maddox: Well, the only reason people stand in line and they have those doorbuster sales is because they have those ridiculous red herring sales…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah.
Maddox: And people want to grab those as quickly as possible. I've actually been to Black Friday sales. So Black Friday, for those who don't know, is usually…they call it black because it's the first time many retailers start to turn a profit throughout the year and that's why they say they're in the black when they're profitable. And they do this the Friday after Thanksgiving. That's where Black Friday came from. Uh, but the reason that exists is…(stammers) the doorbuster sale…the reason the doorbuster sales exist is to get people in there. They can't have a doorbuster sale for five days. That doesn't…it doesn't work.
Dick: Well, it's just the same…is it the semantics of it?
Sean: Why not?
Dick: Yeah, why?
Maddox: Well, because they'll run out of product. The Black Friday sales? Those doorbuster things?
Sean: Oh, but they sell everything? Oh, too bad for them!
Maddox: No, no.
Sean: They sold all their shit! (Maddox and Dick laugh)
Dick: Sean, we missed you!
Maddox: Fuck you, Sean! (all laughing) I didn't miss you! Now go farm some asses. (Sean laughs) No, listen to this, dude. So, they only have…they might give away a big flatscreen TV for, I dunno, like, a 30 or 40…a 40-inch TV…
Maddox: For, like, 200$. Right?
Maddox: That's the big thing that's gonna get customers in the door. But they only have, on hand, maybe 100 of them. So the first 100 customers will get in and get those and then the rest of them are fucked!
Dick: Yeah. So you better go on Thanksgiving. Is that what you're saying?
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, oh yeah.
Dick: Instead of the day after Thanksgiving?
Maddox: That's exactly what I'm saying. Here's another quote. "It became Black Friday. Then it became Thursday. And now it's becoming week-long, says Duncan McNaughton, the chief merchandising officer at Wal-Mart." (Dick laughs) "Maybe it's going to be all of November!"
Maddox: Sure! Fuck it.
Maddox: Hey, you know what? Why don't we just make every day Black Friday, Dick? If you're…if yours and Sean's logic fucking works, then let's just make every day Black Friday!! (yelling, angry) (Sean laughs) Let's just sell everything all the time, companies will make money every day, all day, every day!!!!!!!
Dick: Yeah. That's called the Internet. Where every day is Black Friday.
Maddox: Oh. Well, speaking of the Internet. You know, I have some stats. I got a stats for you, Dick. Nine out of ten Americans don't even plan on spending Thanksgiving hunting for bargains at all. Only 7% do. And, over 53% are going to shop online exclusively!
Dick: Yeah, I do.
Dick: I get all my presents in like the week before Christmas Day, in a mad panic.
Maddox: Right. Yeah, me too.
Maddox: And I always botch it. I always get people the worst gifts.
Dick: Yeah. I always overdo it and then I end up, like, picking the best one and sending the one I didn't like back after Christmas.
Maddox: You buy people multiple gifts?
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause I'll buy one and then I'll find something I like better and then I'll realize, "Ehh, I spent too much money on my brother-in-law here, I'm gonna send some of this back and recoup some of my losses.
Maddox: Man, it's so depressing. The whole racket's so depressing. I used to spend thousands of dollars on friends on Christmas and everything I bought people made me feel so empty. (laughs) 'Cause I would spend LOTS of money on these gifts, and I'd give it to them, and I'd see the looks on their faces, and they're like, "Oh, alright, cool, thanks."
Dick: Thanks. Yeah, great.
Maddox: It's going on the pile with their other games, or DVDs, or sweaters, or whatever the fuck. It doesn't matter what I buy them. So I decided a long time ago, probably about almost 10 years ago, I decided no more gifts. I'll buy people gifts if I see something that I think they would like throughout the year, for no reason.
Maddox: But I would spend the money that I spent on other people on me.
Maddox: And I feel great.
Dick: (giggles) That's very charitable of you.
Maddox: Yeah! No, I've spent every dime of Christmas money on myself for years. (Dick laughs) And I feel so much better. I feel like I'm a genuinely better person.
Maddox: I've spent that money to travel. I went to London. I went to Budapest. I went to Thailand. I've had a great time travelling the world on the money that I would have spent on friends.
Dick: It would be nice if everybody just bought themselves their own thing.
Dick: Like, I think that's the man's perfect Christmas, or perfect birth…no, probably just perfect Christmas, is if he can just buy his own stuff and give everyone else credit for doing it. Because the prospect of telling people what I want or what I might want drives me insane.
Maddox: Oh yeah, it's nerve wracking.
Dick: But that's not the problem here, is it?
Maddox: Well, it's part of the problem.
Dick: It's Mandatory Holiday Work Hours.
Maddox: Mandatory Holiday Work Shifts.
Dick: So lemme ask you something.
Dick: What about firemen and cops that have to work on the holidays?
Dick: Just fuck them?
Dick: They deserve it, but people stocking shelves at Wal-Mart don't?
Maddox: No. They work in shifts, Dick. And those are actual services that we need.
Dick: So we don't need…we don't need to go buy stuff?
Maddox: No, we don't. In fact, I got a quote from Deisha Barnett, a Wal-Mart spokesperson. She says that "Many shoppers were happy that the company would be open on Thanksgiving. We're in the service industry", she said. "And we're just like airports and grocery stores and gas stations that are open on Thanksgiving Day so they can provide what customers need." Yeah, just like grocery stores and gas stations. Customers need to shop for bargains on Thanksgiving Day. You're just like that, Wal-Mart.
Dick: Well, what's the difference? Honestly, what's the difference? Like, what is the difference between having a gas station open, or, like, enough gas stations open, and having a Wal-Mart open?
Maddox: Dick, the difference is, if you need fuel, to say, I dunno, get to the hospital in an emergency 'cause your dad's having a stroke like mine did a couple years ago, you need fuel in a pinch. The gas station needs to be open. That's a service that's necessary.
Maddox: Buying marbles and toys and Xbox Ones is not.
Dick: What if you're buying glasses or contacts? What if you're buying something that treads the line. You could save it a day…you could go a day without it, but you want it today. (Maddox scoffs)
Sean: Wal-Marts have food, too. A lot of 'em.
Sean: In case you forgot the, you know, cranberry jelly, or whatever that shit is?
Maddox: Yeah, that's true Sean. In case you forget…
Sean: What if your deep fryer breaks?
Maddox: Oh no.
Dick: What if your deep fryer breaks? (grinning)
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah. If you're shopping at Wal-Mart on Thanksgiving, you definitely need a deep fryer. (Sean laughs)
Dick: I know you're all about the people, I'm just legitimately asking.
Maddox: Yeah. Dick, it's not a service. It's not like the fire department.
Dick: Yeah, but who are you to decide this? They're selling goods to customers and they've got an arrangement where people come in and have to staff the stores to sell it. That seems like a perfect system to me.
Maddox: Well, obviously the demand isn't there if it's less than 7% of consumers even interested in going on a holiday. Is nothing sacred? Like, do you ever want any just fucking time…can't we all just as a society look at everyone else in the eyes and say, "Okay guys. This day, we're gonna call sacred. We're done. No shopping. No bullshit. We're gonna take some fucking time off. And just relax."
Dick: There it is. (grinning) So that's what you want it to be.
Dick: Fuck you, man. That's not how America works.
Dick: You shut down your store? I'm poppin' up a store right next to you! We sell 24 hours a day! (Maddox giggles) Bye bye, Maddox's Wal-Mart! Hello, Dick's Emporium! (Maddox laughs) Nothing's sacred here, man.
Maddox: I wouldn't even want to go into your Emporium. Your shitty emporium. Selling what? Sweatshop tears. That's what you'll sell, vials of sweatshop tears and children's blood to masturbate with. (Sean's shocked laughter in the background)
Dick: Have you ever worked on…Jesus. Have you ever worked on Black Friday?
Maddox: Uhhhh…no. Not in retail, no.
Dick: I have. I worked a holiday shift at a toy store.
Maddox: I've worked on a holiday. Yeah, I have worked on a holiday, but not in retail. What was the experience like in a toy store?
Dick: It was chaos!
Dick: It was chaos. But that was the whole point.
Dick: Like, everybody who worked there had to show up. That's why you work at a retail store. You know it's gonna happen.
Maddox: So, for years I boycotted all stores that were open on Thanksgiving and one year, I was just driving by and I decided, "You know, I'm just gonna take a peek, cause I wanna see what this chaos is like." I went into a Wal-Mart at around, I believe 1 PM in the afternoon, thinking that I was gonna encounter long lines and lots of chaos and people just running around everywhere. The store was nearly empty. There were maybe two or three people walking down the aisles. I mean, it looked like it had been ravaged. Everything looked like shit.
Maddox: Everything was grubby, grimy, paper was everywhere. There were signs dropping off, falling prices, literally. It looked like garbage. The entire store looked and smelled like garbage. Like there had been animals in there. But then, I walked around and I looked at all the deals, and I found these DVDs for, like, 3 bucks, and I'm like, "Yeah, I can rent this if I want." I don't need it that bad. There were no lines at any of the cash registers. There were more than 20 open. (appalled)
Maddox: No one was there. Everybody just got in for those door busters, and then left.
Dick: I'll tell you what, man. You're an interesting guy. Because…
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: Families…families was one of your biggest problems to start the show.
Maddox: Yeah. Ohhh.
Dick: However, you don't want…you want to have sacred holidays so that people can spend time with their families.
Dick: Am I reading that wrong?
Maddox: Dick, this is the one chink in my armor. Yeah. I uh…no, no, you're right, cause…
Dick: I'm right!
Maddox: I read this. (stammers) If you could see my notes, I very meticulously crafted my quotes around the argument that people were making that you can spend time with your families, because I didn't want to make that argument.
Dick: As you do.
Maddox: No, 'cause I don't. I don't give a shit. I don't want to spend time with my family. Families are gross!
Dick: You spend time with your friends, though.
Maddox: Yes. (exacerbated)
Dick: Aren't they your family, in a way?
Maddox: Yeah, but only if they're travelling to Budapest with me…(laughs)
Dick: Okay. So, so. This is a great example Maddox!
Dick: People work at the airlines so you can take a luxury trip on the holiday that's not a necessity.
Dick: Yet, THEY deserve to be there. But if I wanna go buy a…I don't know. If I wanna go buy some roller skates at Wal-Mart on Thanksgiving Day, you don't think there should be anybody there to sell to me?
Maddox: No. Dick…
Dick: (interjects) I'm saying it's a sliding scale, here.
Maddox: No it's not. Your stupid horseshit analogies, dude. First of all, not everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. For example, if you fly Malaysian Airlines, the Malaysian pilots don't give a fuck about American holidays. And second, travel is a necessity, because a lot of times they're transporting organs and other vital things on those flights that need to be delivered anyway.
Dick: Way less than 7% of airlines flights are taken to transport organs from here to there.
Maddox: You don't know that. I'm transporting organs every time I fly, buddy. Right in my gut. (Dick giggles) Anyway. What's your problem, Dick?
Dick: Well, wait. The other point I wanted to make was you are…in your book, the…what is it…I'm Better Than Your Kids? Is that the correct title?
Maddox: No, now it's called "Crappy Children's Artwork". Yeah.
Dick: Okay. In your book, you make a point of being hard on children so that they'll develop their skills.
Maddox: You need to be…you need to DEMAND excellence from these children.
Maddox: Don't tell them "Good Job" if they're just doing a mediocre job.
Dick: I will say the same exact thing is making people with no viable skills work on the holidays. "Look pal, you don't like this? Go learn a skill. Go learn how to program."
Maddox: Or, maybe they have a child to feed because they got knocked up because they met someone at Burning Man or your buddy Butt Sanchez banged some chick in a hot tub without a condom (Dick laughs) 'cause he listened to your shitty advice. Now he's got a mouth to feed and he has no fucking choice, 'cause he either has to feed that mouth or go to jail for not paying child support. Maybe that's the reason he has to work on Thanksgiving. (irritated) And he gets no fucking time off! He's stressed out! He loses all his hair and he looks like me. What then, Dick?! (Dick and Sean crack up)
Dick: Alright. Can we get to my problem?
Maddox: What's your problem? (laughing)
Dick: The 101st problem. (Maddox laughs) Which…
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Dick: In I think every way, is better than being the 100th problem.
Maddox: Ohh! No. And I'm going next! (laughing)
Dick: So it's a busy travel time of year. Yes?
Dick: At Thanksgiving? People flying organs all over the place. You know. (Maddox laughs) My problem is "Airline Surcharges".
Maddox: Airline Surcharges? Dick, this sounds a lot like your horseshit Uber problem.
Maddox: Or solution, I guess.
Dick: I thought this would be a horseshit problem, but then I started doing research on it and I think it's a lot more insidious than we think. Because I brought it in just for the luggage thing. Right?
Maddox: It's infuriating.
Dick: Totally infuriating. Why are you so incensed by it?
Maddox: Because they act like this is some kind of attempt…
Dick: (interjects) Let me explain what it is first. If you bring luggage, you have to pay, like 20$ to 30$ per bag to bring it on the plane.
Dick: Which is brand new.
Dick: This is, like, a two-year-old thing. I don't remember seeing this two years ago.
Maddox: It was introduced in some airlines after 9/11. Because they pushed…the argument they made was to help recover some of the lost profit from people travelling less after 9/11.
Dick: Ahh, and pay for, like, the screeners and stuff like that?
Sean: And then it got heightened around late 2007, early 2008 when the housing market here crashed and everything was…
Sean: It affected so many industries, including the airline industry.
Sean: So it really ramped up then. So it's been six or seven years of, like, heavy charges.
Dick: So let's…let's keep this in mind for a timeline.
Dick: Because I found out a lot of interesting shit about airline surcharges. Why are you so incensed by having to pay 50$ to bring a bag where you wanna go?
Maddox: Well, because it's costing them almost nothing in fuel. Right? Because…unless this bag weighs more than, like, 20, 30 pounds, which most of them…like, a little carry-on, they're starting to charge for those little carry-ons now.
Maddox: The ones with your personal effects that you're bringing with you. And there's a picture on the Internet of this guy who, at the gate, didn't want to pay the carry-on fee? So he unzipped his bag and put on every piece of his clothes. (Maddox and Dick crack up) And the gate agent was so pissed off! She said, "I'm gonna follow you to the gate and make sure it's still on, otherwise I'm gonna charge you! So he goes, "Go ahead."
Dick: Go ahead! (laughing)
Maddox: And so this asshole got on the flight, like, delaying everything and everyone, wearing, like, 10 coats, 3 hats…(Dick cracks up) 2 pairs of pants, like a dick.
Dick: Was this guy you?
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: That seems like something you would do. (laughing)
Maddox: It is. It does seem like something I would do. But that's what it's causing, man. This kind of horseshit. Well…I think I know where you're going with this. What's your argument?
Dick: No, no. First of all, I have a better way to get around the fee.
Dick: I was flying to Vegas. I was flying from Los Angeles to Vegas. A couple of weeks ago. And that flight on a Friday night is notorious for being packed full of strippers.
Dick: Right? Like, you look around on that flight and it's like, 9s and 10s who are all…they all dress like they just walked out of the strip club. Great flight to be on. Right?
Maddox: They could be Burlesque dancers, but who knows.
Dick: No, they couldn't. (Maddox laughs) 'Cause they're all sitting in one seat. So I get to the gate and this beautiful girl is there. She just…she walks up to the guy who's taking bags, because sometimes they will make you check a bag at the plane.
Dick: Usually you check it before if it's too big to fit on the plane. But sometimes, even if it's the right size, you get to the plane and they say, "You gotta check it. It's too full."
Maddox: It's full.
Dick: So she walks over to that guy and just drops her bag off and walks away. And I was like, "That's weird. Usually people fight that." Like, usually people don't want their precious crap to be out of their sight for the duration of the flight. Right?
Maddox: Right, right.
Dick: So I said, "Hey…" and plus I wanted to talk to her, I was like, "Hey, what was that about? You're not…you didn't seem too upset by that guy taking your bag." And she goes, "Oh, check this out."
Dick: "You don't have to pay to check a bag if you just bring it straight to the plane."
Dick: And check it there.
Maddox: Yeah. I've been doing that scam for years, buddy.
Dick: Little Dick tip for you.
Dick: Oh, you already knew that one?
Maddox: Oh yeah! Oh yeah. Oh yeah. I use that all the time, especially with my giant…especially if I'm carrying something that I absolutely have to check in. I'll put that fucker through security screen. I don't care.
Maddox: Which, of course, is gonna slow everyone else down. I'm not paying.
Dick: Fuck everyone else.
Maddox: (laughs) Dick, is this a problem or not? You've been listing nothing but solutions with this thing.
Dick: Well, that is…that is the problem. That's where I started. But I wanted to throw that out there so everyone didn't start putting on all their clothes at the gate.
Dick: That's an alternative solution to the problem. Um, it's bullshit. Because they do have you by the balls once you're on the plane. You've got no way to fight it.
Dick: Like, once you get there, they're like, "Well, you gotta pay a little more."
Dick: Pay a little more. Give a little more.
Maddox: Dime and nickel.
Dick: Yeah. Nickel and dime you to death. Uh…the…this is something they call ancillary revenue, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Mhmm.
Dick: 20 billion dollars in ancillary revenue.
Dick: As of 2013.
Dick: I got that off of Forbes.
Maddox: And the argument that they made that these were measures that they put in place to help recoup some of the lost money through travel?
Maddox: They're never gonna go away. These fees are NEVER GOING AWAY.
Dick: Right! They're only growing.
Dick: So now you're paying for food. You're paying for drinks. And I don't know about you, but I liked the old airline food.
Dick: It's funny to joke about it, all the shitty comedians joke about it, but I actually enjoyed it.
Maddox: Yeah. I looked forward to it. Especially on a long flight. I don't care, give me anything to eat, I'm gonna be happy.
Dick: Here's what the CEO of um…some airline says. "It's hard to believe that less than 8 months ago, American Airlines was in bankruptcy, yet today, we are reporting record profits, repaying debt, making additional pension contributions, and declaring dividends to shareholders. Performance like this proves we're on the right track and gives us confidence as we move forward." Screwing customers.
Maddox: FUCK American Airlines and their sardine-packed…they are the most uncomfortable flights I've ever been on. American Airlines is terrible. Them and US Airways. They suck the biggest dick in the industry.
Dick: Yeah. So here's where it gets worse. Alright?
Dick: Do you remember when booking a flight was a complicated mess and the price you paid for your ticket was always exorbitantly more than the price you saw on the website.
Maddox: Yeah, it's bullshit. All the fees and stuff that they tacked on.
Dick: Right! So they fixed it. The Department of Transportation said, "You can't do that anymore."
Maddox: Right. (laughs)
Dick: Just take the number you display at the end and put it at the front.
Dick: So they did this in 2012 and have you noticed that it's super easy to shop for tickets now?
Dick: Yeah, well.
Maddox: It's great.
Dick: That's about to end, pal!
Dick: The House just passed a "Transparent Airlines Act" of 2014. This is supposed to be for the benefit of consumers.
Dick: Right? Yet somehow, it's being funded by the airlines and it was passed by Congress in a style of vote that hides all the identities…
Maddox: Ohh, I hate that shit!
Dick: Of the people supporting it?
Dick: Yeah, so this thing…
Maddox: (interjects) How does that voting process work? Do you know?
Dick: No. I don't know. It's called, uhh…lemme see. I wrote it down.
Maddox: Because they create, like, a committee to vote on something like this.
Maddox: And that's how they vote, through the committee, so the committee counts as a vote for or against this measure. And that's how they avoid, they say, "Well the committee voted for it. We didn't personally vote for it."
Dick: It's called a "voice vote". So they did this…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, okay. That's not…okay.
Dick: Because the airline companies say, "Well wait a minute. It's too confusing to consumers to see one price tag…(Maddox laughs)…they need to see…they need to see how many surcharges and taxes are in it." Like when you go to the store and buy a soda. The sales tax isn't on the soda. You see it at the register.
Dick: Yeah. So we're about to lose that ability.
Maddox: Those MOTHERFUCKERS! And you know what? We've already lost it with these surcharges! 'Cause they've already found a way to put in more hidden fees!
Dick: And that's what I was gonna bring up. They have…the fuel surcharge has absolutely nothing to do with the fuel. Like, how is fuel any different than the price of the ticket? You don't get in a cab and he says, "Well it's 5 bucks to get there, but gas is gonna cost about 32.50$."
Maddox: Right. Well, can I opt out of paying for gas and just get there? Can I do that?
Maddox: Cause I wanna…just get me there. But I'm not gonna pay for gas.
Dick: I don't care how you do it.
Maddox: Yeah. Get on a hill and let the car idle down to my destination. That's fine. I'll pay for that, but not for gas. Gimme…can you opt out of that?!?
Dick: Uh, no. You cannot.
Maddox: (angry) Of course not. (snaps) So it's just part of the fuckin' travel fee, isn't it, dickheads?! Just add it in one fucking fee and cut the bullshit!
Dick: Yeah. It's a shakedown. So now…now, we're gonna lose the total ticket price. And all they're gonna do…what they've learned since putting in this baggage handling fee…what they've learned is that they can shake us down for ancillary revenue left and right. Air travel's about to get even shittier!
Dick: That's why it's a big problem.
Maddox: Great. You got a lot of air-related…air travel-related problems, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, you know, it's because it's such a great technology and I don't think it's being used in a way that, like, helps us. It's still a pain in the ass. 100 years later and it's still a miserable experience. Soaring through the air at speeds unimaginable by our ancestors is a pain in the ass, and it shouldn't be.
Maddox: You know…you know what was really great, Dick, was right around 2000. Right before 9/11. It was actually pretty awesome. You could buy a flight…you could buy a ticket on a flight and travel to, say, China. And the flight might be half empty, because there aren't…you know, it's still profitable for them to go that route, because there were so many flights and so many more customers flying that the airlines could afford to have more flights sometimes and the cushion from the other flights would be okay.
Maddox: But now, what airlines are doing. This is the most insidious thing. Is they're overbooking flights. And that's why you have those surcharges that they're trying to get in there for you to check your luggage, right?
Maddox: They're overbooking these flights. So when you get to the gate. Supposedly, if you have a ticket, that should guarantee you a seat and some space for your personal effects. But now, they're saying there's no space for your personal effects for that one ticket that you have for the carry-on that you have. Which means they overbooked the flight. And then that's why they always make that announcement, saying, "Hey, is anyone willing to give up their seat? We'll pay you 500$, go to the next flight, whatever." Because it's worth it for them.
Dick: And that's called Surge Pricing.
Dick: Paying you to get off the flight. Right? It is!
Maddox: You mean, a surge price that the airline pays you?
Maddox: Yeah. But you don't get to set that price.
Dick: But they…no, they'll keep upping it. If you don't take it, they'll start giving away, like, free tickets. And stuff like that.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (annoyed)
Dick: Look, my point is, that's the future. That's the future of flying. Pay for bags? Now you're gonna be paying for seats, you're gonna be paying for cabin pressure. You're gonna be paying for every little oxygen molecule that you get to breathe on this stupid flight.
Maddox: Yeah, you know what pisses me off the most, though, Dick? Look. You wanna charge me for…I think it's actually a good thing to charge a surcharge for those heavy luggages, especially…it used to be for anything in excess of one. The first bag…the first checked bag was free and everything after that was charged extra. I thought, "Wow, that's great. Finally, it'll get some…" and it's usually women that I see carrying around HUGE bundles of their fucking clothes, and shoes and shit, and I'm like, (yelling) "Just fucking stop packing so much shit, you're just going for four fucking days!"
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: I feel like I'm talking to every girl I've ever dated.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: And so if it encourages them to travel more lightly, great! However, it's no longer become that. It's everyone across the board. Everyone has to pay this fee. So I don't know…if they can justify, if they can rationalize this by saying, "Well, the luggage weighs more, and we have to pay more fuel to carry that luggage." Why not a fat surcharge, hmm?
Dick: Raise the price of the ticket! Raise the price of the ticket, that's it. Show me the sticker.
Maddox: That's not at all what I'm saying. (laughs) I'm saying something way worse. I'm saying, charge fat people more.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Well…
Dick: Oh! Sure.
Dick: Yeah. That would be great. Walk up, get weighed, and then pay that amount? Sure.
Sean: That's been talked about.
Sean: That has been talked about. And there was one guy who was made…he was forced to buy a second seat because he could not fit in the first seat. Now, we're talking about an extreme case, but that did actually happen. But then you have all the fat people's rights groups, or whatnot, I mean, it's gonna be a political nightmare, but that has been talked about, because the average American weight so much more than they used to. It's causing, you know, them to use extra fuel and all that, so.
Dick: It's interesting. Southwest, last time I took a flight, wanted to charge me extra for my balls. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Ohhh, okay, Dick. (laughs) What, to get you some little diamond cases to store them in so they don't get stepped on? Those little Grape Nuts? Um…(laughing) I was on a flight one time to San Diego for Comic-Con, and when we got on the flight, the flight was less than, I would say maybe just barely a third full. And we asked the pilot, we said, "There are people left at the gate. Why aren't they allowed on this flight? " And the pilot said, "Look. Frankly, these planes were designed in the seventies and Americans have gotten a lot fatter. We can't lift off with that many people on this plane." It was a little two-seater…you know, two aisle…
Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Those little guys. So Sean, yeah. You have a point.
Sean: (laughing) You're going to Comic-Con. I mean, that's what's great about the point.
Maddox: Oh, I gotcha. (Dick laughs) I was looking for my gate and I was running down the airport and I saw some dude wearing a Captain America shirt, and I'm like, "That's the one." (Sean laughs)
Dick: Littered with heart attack victims… (Maddox laughs)…at the gate who were also gonna miss their flight.
Maddox: Ah, lemme tell you. That was a good smelling flight, too. And by the way, you know, I know it's a stereotype about all these nerds who don't smell right. But it's true. They fucking don't smell right.
Dick: It's gotta be difficult to clean yourself if you're overweight.
Dick: More difficult.
Maddox: Sure. When I was overweight, it was difficult for me. Yeah.
Dick: Well, that's my problem. "Airline Surcharges".
Maddox: Good problem, Dick. I agree, although as usual, I don't think for the same reasons. (giggles) But yeah, that is a good problem.
Dick: What's the 102nd problem?
Maddox: Okay, Dick. You know, I'm editing these episodes. (Dick and Sean laugh) The 101st episode! (laughs) I'm gonna be editing that.
Dick: Hey wait, I got some more…do you mind if I play some celebrity voice mails?
Dick: I got a couple more.
Maddox: Oh yeah, yeah! Let's hear it. Yeah.
(Voice mail: "Hey Maddox, this is Jesse Ventura. I heard last week on your million downloads jerkoff session that you were impressed that you had celebrity listeners, and I just wanted to say that I don't think that Zooey Deschanel one was real. I think it was the government. Or possibly clones. (Maddox: Ugh. Right?) Them cocksuckers in Area 51 (Sean laughs) can do just about anything. (Dick: Clones.) (Maddox: Yeah) Anyway. Dick, go for yourself, okay? Jesse Ventura. Definitely the weird one.)
Maddox: What was his…who?
Dick: Jesse Ventura?
Maddox: Oh, Jesse Ventura. Oh…yeah! Of course it's Jesse Ventura. You know, Dick, that was a funny celebrity voice mail. Um, I've gotten, in the last, I'd say, two days, maybe just a half dozen emails from people, all for various topics, various subjects, either praising the show or commenting or sending in problem suggestions, etc, etc. And invariably they're all addressed to me, and invariably, at the end, they all sign off with "P.S.: Dick's an idiot." Or "P.S.: Dick's an asshole."
Dick: Oh. (dejected)
Maddox: (laughs) It just seems like a common sign-off. And he did it in that voice mail too.
Dick: Well here's another voice mail.
(Voice mail: "Hello. Dick, go fuck yourself.") (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: That's pretty much it. (laughs) Here's a guy you know. A celebrity friend of yours.
(Voice mail: (terrible Irish accent) "Top o' the morning to you. This be Bono." (Maddox: Ohhh, great! (laughing)
Dick: (laughing) This BE Bono!!! There's more. (grinning)
Maddox: That's spot on.
(Voice mail: (terrible Irish pirate accent) "(inaudible while they talk over it)…with your flash photography…and now me Irish eyes ain't smiling. Oh, fiddle dee dee…(sings)…I can't even seem to pour me a bowl of charms (inaudible while they laugh over it) Sinead O'Connor cover band. At least I can still listen to The Biggest Problem In The Universe, though. (Dick: Good shout out.) Love the show. Keep trying, Dicky. Bono out.") (Maddox giggles)
Sean: Hey, he got his, though, didn't he?
Dick: What did he do?
Dick: What do you mean?
Sean: He was riding his bike, another problem, right? He fucked himself up good in Central Park.
Dick: Oh he did?
Sean: Oh, fuck yeah. Yeah, read the news story.
Maddox: Yeah. I saw the headlines, but I didn't click on it.
Sean: I thought you'd take joy in that, but…
Maddox: No, it was an obfuscated headline, so I thought I wasn't gonna click. But he hurt himself?
Sean: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was…first they said, "Oh, he hurt his arm on the bike", but oh, no, no. He broke his shoulder blade in three places, broke his arm in six places. It went through…the bone went through the skin.
Maddox: Holy shit!
Sean: He fractured his orbital socket, too. So, yeah.
Dick: Are you kidding me?!
Sean: No, he got fucked up good.
Sean: Bicycle. Problem.
Maddox: Sean, you…
Dick: (laughing) I'm gonna write that down. Thanks, Sean.
Maddox: Fuck you guys. Wrong, Sean. Listen. You guys can't see right now, Sean and Dick, because it's obscured by the table, but I am fully engorged after listening to that story. That makes me so happy. (Sean laughing) That makes me really, really happy. And speaking of engorged. MY…second problem this week is "Snakes"!! (Sean laughing)
Dick: Goddamnit. (laughing)
Maddox: So you got a python under the table, baby! After that story!
Dick: It's Noah's Ark over here! Dogs, monkeys!! Snakes! What's next!? Goats, hippos?! (laughing)
Maddox: Hey, hey, hey!! Spoilers, spoilers!
Dick: (cracks up) What's wrong with snakes?
Maddox: What's wrong with snakes?! Everything! Alright? So, when I started Googling snakes, I was just…I was curious about how many fatalities are caused by snakes every year.
Dick: Okay. (skeptical)
Maddox: And there is a Wikipedia page, I don't know why it's so detailed, but there's an entire list of almost every single fatal snake bite in the United States.
Maddox: And it's categorized by decade. You can go through one by one.
Dick: Can you see how many got bit in their dicks?
Maddox: (laughing) Uh…I believe, yeah. I believe that is a category. Yep. There it is. Bit by dicks. Bit on their dicks, rather. So, I have a few of these I wanna read. This one's… her name is Jackie Ledwell, 63-year-old female, bitten while taking a walk in 2007.
Dick: (chuckles) Yeah.
Maddox: These are where snakes attack you.
Dick: Well, they're not in your car!
Dick: Yeah! They're out where you're walking around!
Maddox: Yeah. You're just going on a walk. Next thing you know, you're dead 'cause of a fucking snake. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Trent Leprette. 31 years old. Male. Bitten on each hand while swimming. (yelling) Bitten on each fucking hand!!!
Dick: Teaming up, man.
Dick: These snakes are getting smart.
Maddox: No, they're idiots. But they're vicious. That's what they do. They come up to you and bite BOTH your hands. That's a…that's a "fuck you" finishing move.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: That's like a Babality in Mortal Kombat II. Mack Wolford, 39 years old, male. So, Dick, you said, you know, these people are getting bit while they're swimming. Getting bit while they're going on a walk. He got bitten during a religious service at Lore Jesus Temple in West Virginia in 1983.
Dick: Was he fucking around with snakes? Was he being one of those guys, who's like, immune to snakes 'cause of God?
Maddox: Yeah. That's exactly what happened, actually. (laughing)
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: And. And! His son Mark died in 2012 also from a snakebite during the same religious service. (laughs)
Dick: I love that religious ceremony so much. Like, every time I see somebody doing it, I'm like, "Yes!" Oh, keep doing it, man.
Maddox: I hadn't heard of this until I started reading on this and I didn't know it was a thing that people did.
Dick: Oh yeah, and it's very precarious because it relies on them milking the venom from the snakes before they do it. So what they do is, like, they get a bag of snakes and they're the preacher, and they're in the back woods somewhere. They're in Meth County.
Dick: Wherever that is.
Maddox: It's actually West Virginia. I think this happened in West Virginia.
Dick: They have a bag of milked snakes, so their venom isn't as powerful, and then they let the snakes bite them and declare that they're being protected by the power of Christ, right?
Dick: Very powerful visual. However…(Maddox laughs)…if you fuck up a little bit and they generate some of their venom back, you're dead. Or at least you look like a huge asshole, 'cause God didn't protect you today.
Maddox: Yeah. I wonder if they lose believers after, let's see, two pastors, father and son, die from this goofy practice, which is illegal in most states, but I guess in Virginia it's not. Because there's this…what's the church called? It's Lord Jesus Temple in West Virginia.
Sean: They also refuse medical treatment, 'cause it's God's will.
Dick: Oh, that's a good one, too.
Maddox: Yeah, he did.
Sean: But that last guy, yeah, he died at home.
Maddox: Yeah, actually, Sean. Good point. This guy…it said in the news article, too, on Washington Post. It said that he refused medical aid at first and then it got really bad and then he went and it was too late.
Maddox: They had to amputate his entire body. (Dick cracks up) (Maddox chuckles) So…you know, Dick, so I've talked about some snake victims. You know what the first recorded victim of a snake was? The innocence of man.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: When Eve bit the apple. Snakes have been there all along fuckin' us! In fact, you could say that snakes are the biggest problem in…the universe.
Dick: Yeah, alright. (grins) (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Huh? Yeah, right? Here's the other thing. So I was also curious…like, first of all, all my friends who own snakes are a little bit creepy. Right? Have you ever met someone who owns a snake?
Dick: I've owned a snake.
Maddox: Creepy! (Dick laughs) You're the creepiest!
Dick: (laughing) Yeah.
Maddox: You're the creepiest guy in this room! And possibly block!
Dick: They're a great pet. It's like having a water bed, except as a pet. They're a very sexual animal.
Maddox: (laughing) Gross…
Dick: Chicks like touching them. They like feeling them undulate on their bodies.
Dick: They're a little dangerous, too, 'cause you've got in on you, and they're like "Ooh, wow, you're a danger guy. I like that. I'm turned on."
Maddox: Danger guy…
Dick: But the snake away, let's bang. And I'm like "Hey, why put the snake away?"
Maddox: (laughing) Gross. (Sean laughs)
Dick: No, I did own a snake.
Maddox: Yeah. No, I believe it. I know, Dick. I know you owned a snake. I got a snake that chicks can play with. So this is from the Department of Wildlife Ecology and Conservation from the University of Florida. "1 in 50 million people in the US will die from snake bites."
Dick: 1 in 50 million?
Maddox: 1 in 50 million.
Dick: Okay. So, 6 people?
Maddox: About six or seven people per year. (laughing)
Maddox: It's not that much. I was hoping it was gonna be in the hundreds of millions or something, just this epidemic of snake bites and deaths. But it's about…you know, they don't include the bites. They get about 8,000 snake bites per year. Now here's the problem with snakes as a pet. They live 20 fucking years long.
Maddox: I don't want anything to live 20 years. Like, that's insane. Having a pet that lives 20 years long? You're gonna have that fucking thing around all the time?
Dick: Well, having a snake as a pet also seems like a gateway to get a shitload of weird pets.
Maddox: Yeah. Tarantulas.
Dick: Like, everybody's…yeah.
Dick: I had to give my snake away.
Maddox: Yeah. And don't they smell, too?
Dick: They do.
Maddox: And I don't know if it's the owners or the snake, but something is off. When I walk into a house and there's a snake, I can smell it. And it's probably the owner. They're just not showering enough. They're waiting for their flight to Comic-Con.
Maddox: So…you have to feed them frozen, pre-killed animals, like rodents.
Dick: No, you can feed 'em live mice and live rats.
Maddox: Yeah, but the problem is, if you feed them live mice and rats, they "Become too aggressive." That's what I've been told by snake owners.
Dick: No, that's bullshit. That's totally not true.
Sean: No. Not true. It's PETA and animal rights activists not wanting a snake to actually do what it does in nature, which is, like, stalk and kill its food.
Dick: Yeah, man.
Sean: It's like…they make you sign a thing at pet stores that say you will not use this rat, or whatever, or hamster, or rabbit, in some cases, as food.
Dick: As food.
Maddox: Is there a line that says "wink, wink" at the bottom? (laughing) 'Cause that's all anyone's doing with mice from pet stores.
Sean: It just covers them.
Dick: People are very uncomfortable about feeding live mice and rats to snakes. Like, when I had…I just had this stupid ball python. The person who sold it to me said to kill the mouse and then wear a chainmail glove and dangle the mouse in front of the snake to get it to eat it. 'Cause they don't wanna eat dead things. No animal wants to eat a dead animal.
Maddox: 'Cept me.
Dick: Right. (Maddox giggles) Like humans do and vultures do.
Dick: But snakes, they just won't eat a dead mouse. So his solution to that was to hammer the mouse over the head with a shovel.
Dick: Brutal! Way more brutal than getting strangled to death, I think.
Maddox: You're kinda selling me on this snake thing, man, this sounds kinda cool.
Dick: Yeah! It's cool for about, like, six months.
Dick: And then you gotta get rid of it.
Maddox: And then, yeah. And then you realize you have to do this for 20 fucking years!
Dick: Yeah. I would never get a dead mouse. I would get a live rat and throw it in the cage and watch, 'cause it's awesome to watch. Like, they skulk around the cage, and sometimes they'll come down from the tree and do, like, a commando attack.
Dick: Or they'll grab it and wrap it up.
Maddox: Ugh. So boring. Snakes are so boring, man. That's the ONE interesting thing they do, is eat. And then, "Oh, well, you're done for a fucking week until however long it takes for it to digest that piece of shit."
Maddox: And the food just sits there in their gut rotting. You don't have to…so, I was reading the benefits of owning a snake. And there were none. I just had to go to Yahoo Answers and some idiot was just like, "Another big advantage that snakes have over cats and dogs is that you don't have to feed them daily." Yeah, so that means that they're just sitting there with a bunch of shit rotting in their colons all day. And that's all a snake is, is a giant colon. (Sean laughs) If you think about it.
Dick: (laughing) Yeah.
Maddox: It's just a colon.
Dick: That's a positive, though. Not as much shit to clean up.
Maddox: Ehhh. But they still shit, and their shit is, what? Just calcium deposits. Teeth and feathers and whatever the fuck else you're feeding it.
Dick: It looks like normal shit.
Maddox: It looks like shit?
Dick: It looks like a bird shit, actually. It looks like a more solid bird shit. Like, it's half white and half, like that weird black.
Maddox: Ohhh. Okay. See, I don't mind bird shit. (Dick cracks up) But it's gotta be…
Dick: Why?!?! Why?!?! It's the most offensive shit!
Maddox: It is the least!
Dick: It's the only shit that gets on your CAR!
Maddox: No. That's not true. I've seen other shit on cars. My neighbor's, for example. But bird shit, first of all, is white and it just flakes off. It's like crusty shit, you just scrape it off, whatever. (Dick sighs) Whatever, it's gone. It doesn't smell. It's not offensive. It looks kinda weird. Whatever. I've had bird shit on me.
Maddox: Like, I've walked around with bird shit on me. It's not a big deal.
Dick: Sure. (chuckles)
Maddox: Depends on what type of bird and what they've been eating. If it's a pigeon and it's running, you got diarrhea. That's a different story.
Maddox: Yeah. So I went to this website called http://www.reptilesmagazine.com and it's a care sheet for snakes. And they're talking about a baby corn snake. Or how to care for a corn snake. They say, "Although it's normal for baby corn snakes to flee, hide, or defend themselves, it is also true that they have no real ability to harm you. A white mouse or a cat that plays too roughly with its owner can do far more damage than even the largest corn snake." Does that sound like a fact to you? Or does that sound like horseshit propaganda by Reptiles Magazine?
Dick: (laughing) I don't think it sounds like propaganda! It sounds like an observ…it sounds like a website that's made for children that you read.
Maddox: So? (laughs) Actually all these websites that I went to are made for children, 'cause I guess adults don't have to Google how to care for a snake.
Maddox: Yet they're dying at fucking religious sermons and just walking, and swimming! (angry)
Dick: I think snakes are helping us out on that one, man. (grinning) Get rid of those people.
Maddox: Yeah. Shit, that's a good point. Um…"After three or four successful meals, start handling your corn snake for short periods, except for the first two or three days after a meal. Be sure to approach the corn snake from the side rather than the top." That's fucking stupid. So I feed this fucking thing. My pet. My companion. This is my little buddy. My avatar in life! I feed it and then I can't even touch it for fucking three days!? Forget it! You know what?! I'm gonna forget you for three days. And they say here you don't have to feed 'em as much as cats and dogs. Guess what? You don't have to feed cats and dogs! You don't have to feed anything.
Dick: Sorry, what? (Maddox laughs) What do you mean?
Maddox: You just don't. And then…you know…you figure it out.
Dick: Where do they get food then? Out of the trash?
Maddox: Look, I dunno man. If you don't feed a cat, it'll leave.
Dick: It…leave the Earth, yeah. It'll die! (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Okay, dude.
Dick: You have outrageous expectations of pets. It's just a reptile. It's just, like, a cool, wiggly reptile.
Maddox: Yeah. Lemme rephrase that.
Dick: It's not your Harry Potter companion. It's not supposed to be running errands for you around time like you're a Sherlock Holmes villain. (grinning) (Sean laughs)
Maddox: (laughs) (yells) Well, then what's the point, Dick!? If they don't do anything for you, what's the point? They're not cute! Snakes are fucking awful. They just sit there. They're boring! Hey, come over guys! Hey, if you got a snake, would you call me over and be like, "Hey man, come check out my snake." I'd come over and look at it for, like, literally three seconds and be like, alright, this is boring. (Dick laughs) If a girl invited me over, I'd say, "Okay, well, let's do something like have sex. This is fucking dumb. I hate your snake." I hate snake owners. They're shitty animals.
Dick: Uh…their venom is very valuable in pharmaceutical research, though. Snake venom.
Maddox: Is it…what's it, a pheromone? No. What's the…an aphrodisiac, is that what it is?
Dick: No, it's a legitimate, like, pharmacological ingredient. It's a complex molecule that we use to do research on. There's a rattlesnake that…whose venom is used to stop heart attacks. Like, if you're having an impending heart attack, the venom will thin your blood, 'cause that's what it does.
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)
Dick: So they synthesize a compound out of the venom, inject you with it, and…badaboom! No more heart attack. You can get your flight to Comic-Con. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, alright. Alright, Conspiracy Dick.
Dick: That's not a conspiracy! That's a legitimate pharmaceutical research project! (yelling, laughs)
Maddox: Oh, I'm gonna give you a conspiracy and I'm gonna sound like a conspiracy dipshit here, but you're not gonna get me under a fucking knife where someone says they're gonna inject me with snake venom into my heart. (Dick laughs) Fuuuuuuuck you!
Maddox: And you know what's gonna be ironic, too? I'm sure…(laughing)…this is gonna fucking happen, and then I'm gonna need to get snake venom at some point in my life. Snakes…snakes are bullshit. Snake venom is bullshit. Although, here's an interesting fact. Do you know the difference between venom and poison?
Dick: Venom goes in your veins. Poison just goes on your person.
Maddox: I didn't know this, but you can drink venom.
Dick: Ingest it.
Maddox: Yeah. You can ingest venom without a problem in most cases.
Maddox: I wonder what venom tastes like. I'd drink it.
Dick: Well, stay tuned for our next bonus episode, where…
Maddox: Bonus episode, we're drinking venom!! Yeah baby!
Dick: Hey, where would be without snakes? How would pimps get their shoes? (Maddox and Sean laughs)
Maddox: Alligators. From kickin' em.
Dick: Yeah. Mmm. Without snakes, where would Indiana Jones be? He would have no Kryptonite. He would be invincible.
Maddox: He's afraid of snakes, right?
Dick: Yeah. He's afraid of snakes.
Maddox: Who is?
Dick: Indiana Jones.
Maddox: Yeah. But it's a phobia. It's a natural phobia, right?
Maddox: Alright, Dick. That's…I'm tired of talking about snakes. I'm tired of thinking about snakes. What's your next problem?
Dick: Do you think that snakes are gonna…where do you think snakes are gonna be ranked in the Monkeys-Dogs race? In the Noah's Ark race that you're putting on our problems list…(Maddox laughs)…where do you think snakes are gonna fall?
Maddox: Number one!!! I think the snakes are gonna be a bigger problem on this list than anything we have, including Slacktivists, Female Genital Mutilation.
Dick: (laughs) Alright.
Maddox: Armchair Psychologists. Everything in the top. Outrage Porn. It's gonna knock everything off. It might even be its own category. I'll bring it in 10 times so it can be all 10 problems.
Dick: Like Harry Potter? You gonna make a new list just for it?
Maddox: Is that what they did?
Dick: Yeah, Harry Potter was on the bestseller list so long that they moved it to…they made the children's bestselling book list just for Harry Potter.
Maddox: Oh, I didn't know that. That's kinda interesting.
Dick: Mhmm. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. It'll be just like that.
Dick: Yeah hey, speaking of Harry Potter. I forgot to bring in this comment from Jason Montgomery. He says, "Holy fuckboys! Boisterous Coconuts was cool until his lame-ass Harry Potter bachelor party and shitty problem this week." (Maddox giggles) "For the second measure, a motherfucking Harry Potter-themed bachelor party? Really? And no strip club included. That's brutal." What did you think of that Harry Potter…Asterios Kokkinos was in last week, Sean, and he threw a Harry Potter-themed bachelor party.
Maddox: I think that's awesome and hilarious. And his reasoning was so brilliant. Because he said it was to disarm the strippers so they would go further with them. I thought, "Wow, that's really insidious. That's really sneaky." Um, also fuck that guy for using "really" as a punchline. I need to get that in.
Maddox: And I also want to say this. Wait, do you have more on that?
Dick: No, no, no, no.
Maddox: I also want to say this, Dick. On Friday night I went to a comedy show, and it was a comedy and variety show that my friend put on. It was awesome. But during the show, there was some Burlesque dancing and this girl got up on stage and my God. One of the most gorgeous women I've ever seen. This girl was amazing, man! What are you guys talking about, all the Burlesque dancers are gross and disgusting and fat and whatever!?
Dick: Yeah they are. And kinda up their own ass, with, like, the whole performance of it. Like oooh, okay. You're doing, like, an erotic…a titillating dance? Whatever.
Maddox: What do you mean, whatever?! That's cool!! What don't you like about it, Dick?!
Maddox: Would you rather…okay, if you were at a place, would you rather have Burlesque or no? If it was just…
Dick: No. I would rather have no Burlesque than Burlesque. I've…it's a distraction from the bar. That's what you're asking? If I would rather have it or not?
Dick: I'll leave it, man. I don't like watching interpretive dance. Like, I don't watch So You Think You Can Dance on TV. I'm a man. I don't like watching celebrities dancing. I don't like just watching women doing art for dancing.
Dick: That's what it is. Like, it's not titillating at all. There's nothing sexual about it to me.
Maddox: Mmm. Well, if you were at a bar, it's either that, or you're gonna be looking at a bunch of sad sacks sitting at the counter.
Dick: I'd rather have that. Than watching Dirty Dancing 2: Havana Nights. (Maddox laughs) That's not on my Netflix queue. Okay, you ready for my next problem?
Dick: "Not Enough Black Friday Violence". (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Yeah!! That's a problem.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Alright. That sounds like something I'd bring in, Dick. What's…what's your…
Dick: It does. It sounds like I ripped off your Halloween problem, doesn't it?
Maddox: (laughing) Yes.
Dick: This guy Cliff Burnsweig says, "You guys should do a segment on Black Friday, which kills more people every year than Ebola, or sexy bowling shirts." He's right! But it's only barely.
Maddox: (laughing) Really?
Dick: Yeah. How many people do you think die on Black Friday?
Maddox: Uhh…every year, I think it was something around 5 to 10.
Dick: It's almost none.
Dick: It's less than 10. There's this site called http://www.blackfridaydeathcount.com, which is just this gigantic counter on top of the site that has deaths and injuries on it.
Dick: And then all of the links to the stories of it happening. And there just…there aren't enough.
Maddox: Dick, uh…so, my justification for my horseshit Halloween problem, Not Enough Razor Blades in Candy, was that it didn't justify the hype or the hysteria, which was the problem.
Dick: (grinning) That's not my justification.
Maddox: Yeah, so what's your justification, here?
Dick: My justification is, this is the closest we're gonna get to The Purge. (Maddox cracks up) You know that movie?
Dick: Where you get rid of the undesirable elements of society?
Dick: This is the closest thing we're gonna have. Who…who's…who's wherever they are…who's at a store on Black Friday slugging each other to the death for toys, to save 20$ on a Playstation 4?
Maddox: The scum of the Earth.
Dick: Am I wrong?! Not the scum of the Earth, but they're shaping pop culture in a way I don't like! And I guess that's the measure I'm going by.
Maddox: Dick, I don't know what's going on, man. But I just got this weird feeling like you're making a whole lotta sense. (Sean and Dick laugh) And I'm not used to it. 'Cause you've only done it a few times in our entire run of this show.
Maddox: But this is one of those moments where I'm like, "Wow, you actually have a really fucking good point here." And I don't even think I have a rebuttal. I think I agree 100% with you.
Dick: You know why I'm making so much sense? I'm a Scorpio and this is the…
Maddox: (interjects) Ookay. (sarcastic) (Maddox and Dick crack up laughing) There it is! There it is. Horoscopes. Go vote it up, guys!
Dick: All I'm saying. All I'm saying is we gotta get this problem…this problem is actually…it will become a solution. Because what we do?
Dick: Is we get all the conspiracy dipshits, the anti-vaxxers…
Dick: The slacktivists, right?
Dick: The armchair psychologists…all the sexy engineers. The genital mutilators. (Sean chuckles) The people who can't eat spicy foods.
Maddox: Yes…(trying not to laugh)
Dick: And the priests and the hippies with their outrage porn, and their N words, and their other N words, and the iPhone 6-having, nonapologizing shame shamers…(Maddox laughs)…reading their horoscopes and panicking about witches and Ebola. We lure them in…
Maddox: (laughing) Yes.
Dick: With un…with unbeatable prices on Beats By Dre and TOMS…(Sean cracks up) And then we dispatch the militarized police with their drones and the TSA with their monkeys and their snakes and their Burlesque dancers and their movie ratings and their satire, and we just let em…and their Facebook satire tags, and we just let 'em all wipe each other out!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Bravo, Dick. That's a good rant, and you worked in…was that every single problem?
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: Every single one?
Dick: No, no, no. It was a lot of them.
Maddox: Okay, that's…
Dick: It was a lot of them on top.
Maddox: I gotta hand it to you, man. I know we suck our own dicks a lot on this show, but that's pretty fucking amazing. Uh, you're not gonna get this anywhere else, guys. But that's a really good fucking point, man. You get all the scum of the Earth. You get the sludge. You get these idiots who want to go in on Black Friday and go in on Thanksgiving and these holidays…
Dick: Yeah. And THEY'RE making those people work. They're the ones…their drive for goods, for consumer goods is making those people have to show up to work in the first place. Right?
Maddox: Their drive…yeah, their drive, i.e: your drive, Dick. As you argued for the first half of this show, that it's a good thing and it's a necessity just like firefighters and gas.
Maddox: (laughing) You are these people!
Dick: And doctors.
Maddox: Oh man, it's gonna be so funny, and a little bit sad, but mostly funny. One of these days I'm gonna come in and do the show alone, 'cause I'm gonna have to announce that you died during a Black Friday sale. (laughs) Dick, uh…yeah. That's a good point. There should be more Black Friday deaths. And I remember I'd looked up the statistics on this. Actually, when I first read it, I thought, "Well, that should be zero, because nobody should die while shopping for BULLSHIT." You're killing people over this…this cheap crap that they've marked down and all the items they sell during these Black Friday sales are garbage. The TVs are garbage. They're always stripped down.
Maddox: The worst features. Or no features. The DVDs…first of all, they're DVDs, which nobody wants. Nobody wants physical media anymore. By the way, guys, anyone listening, I'm gonna sell all my DVDs. (laughing) Maybe I'll just put up a sale on the website and just try to get rid of all this horseshit. But yeah, those are the people who are going in and dying for this garbage.
Dick: Yeah! And we…and we got…what's the stats on guns in this country? It's like, we've got hundreds of millions of guns in this country, and there's only 7 deaths on Black Friday? Come on, let's step it up, here.
Maddox: Yeah. But they are cool deaths. They're pretty metal. It's not as metal as hitting a rodent over the head with a shovel, but. It's close. It's trampling deaths. (laughing) Those are trampling deaths. Which, I think may be up there with drowning and burning as two of the worst ways to go.
Dick: Getting trampled to death?
Maddox: Getting trampled, yeah.
Maddox: Although, I don't know. Would it be? 'Cause if someone really fat, like say one of these…these airline fliers, the fat guys, right?
Maddox: What if they just stepped on your head and made it pop like a watermelon?
Maddox: That's not too bad, right?
Dick: I think you did, getting trampled, by blows to the body. Right? Like, internal organ failure. Not in the head.
Maddox: Not the way I imagine. I imagine, like, falling down face first and my teeth immediately getting chipped and falling out of my mouth. Maybe that's a tooth…there's, like, a tooth fear that has something to do with that.
Dick: It's not a cartoon. (Maddox laughs) It's, like, a real thing that happens. Only 7 deaths from Black Friday.
Dick: On the http://www.blackfridaydeathcount.com website.
Maddox: Yeah. Not nearly enough.
Dick: Not nearly enough, man. I worked on a Black Friday. At that toy store? That I was telling you.
Maddox: Yeah, you mentioned it. Mhmm.
Dick: And I was involved in a Black Friday violence. An altercation.
Maddox: Yeah? (chortles)
Maddox: Did you start it?
Dick: Um…you could say that. (grins)
Maddox: Ahhhh, I thought so, Dick!!!
Dick: So I was 16. I was working at this toy store over Christmas. So I could get enough money to buy a cool jacket. Like, I wanted Indiana Jones' jacket.
Dick: So I got this job just so I could buy the jacket. And then I was gonna quit and that was gonna be the end of my working.
Dick: The plan fell apart, because I got a girlfriend while I was working there. So all the money I was saving for my Indiana Jones jacket I blew on her.
Maddox: What a sucker.
Dick: Yeah. I mean, if only I was around to educate me at that age.
Dick: So this guy comes in during the Christmas rush and he sees a stack of, God, I think it was Sega Genesises? Was that around at that time, in, like, 96?
Maddox: It was, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. And the…there was a price. There was, like, a bunch of different systems and the price they had listed was for the cheapest system on the stack.
Dick: And he starts freaking out, right? He's like, "What do you mean, it's 19 dollars more? With the controller and the game? " I'm like, "Dude, we've been here all day. That's the price. Sorry." So, in front of all these moms, these like, mall moms in this KB Toys in suburbia, he goes, "Yeah, well why don't you go have sex with your mother?!" (Maddox laughs) To me. To me. And I'm like, "Oh, wow." So he storms out and is knocking toys over. And I turn to the moms, and I'm like, "Can you believe that guy? Wow."
Maddox: (laughing) 'Cause you know, Dick, I think…
Dick: It gets better.
Maddox: When you turn to the moms. I bet. But I think when you turned to the moms to say that, I think you were kinda hitting on them, too.
Dick: Yeah, I was.
Maddox: Of course. (grinning)
Dick: So I got off of work and I put my regular clothes on. And I walk into the mall, 'cause I had to walk through the mall to get to my car. And I see this guy. So I kind of followed him.
Dick: And I follow him over to…it was some stupid calendar kiosk. And I get right up behind him in line, and I'm like, "Hey, hey." And he turns around, and he looks like he's seen a ghost, right? 'Cause he's processing…he sees my clothes are different, but he recognizes me?
Dick: So I said, "Why don't you go have sex with your mom?" (Dick and Maddox crack up) And he starts freaking out. Like, this is a grown man.
Dick: And I'm a 16-year-old child. Right?
Dick: So he turns around and starts freaking out and he, like…he hits me back, like the way guys do…
Maddox: Whoa, wait a second, what do you mean, he hits you back? You'd already hit him at this point?!
Dick: No no. I was, like, just creeping up so I could be that really obnoxious voice in his ear.
Dick: Right? And then I was having…I was giving him that smile that starts fights.
Maddox: Okay. (grinning)
Dick: Like, I know I'm doing it. But you can get away with it.
Maddox: A little shit.
Dick: Yeah, like, "Haha, what are you gonna do, dude?"
Maddox: Yep, yep.
Dick: "You gonna let me smile like this at you in your own face?" (Maddox laughs) "Are you gonna allow this to happen, a KID smiling at you?!"
Maddox: Yeah. (grinning)
Dick: So he, like, does that thing, like he blows up and shoves back and he starts shouting at me.
Maddox: He's puffing up his chest in your face, that sorta thing. Yeah.
Dick: Right. Right. And he's so…he's so incensed that he can't find the words. Like, he's like "J---St----Ahhh!!(stammering)(stuttering)" stuttering and stammering and storming around like Donkey Kong, right? (Maddox laughing) So these moms are freaking out. He knocks this mom's purse off of the stand...
Dick: Oh, yeah. Security…like, three gigantic security guards run in and tackle this guy to the ground in front of me while I'm still just smiling there like a demon, just, like. "I mean, you kinda did this to yourself, dude."
Dick: So they escort his ass out of the mall.
Dick: Three guys.
Dick: In front of his kids. (Sean laughs) And I'm still just standing there with mom…helping this mom pick her purse back up and like, put her stuff in it, and I'm like, "Can you believe that guy?"
Maddox: Yeah…(cracks up)
Dick: (cracking up) And she's like, "Why did he even blow up like that? What did you say?" and I'm like, "I didn't say anything."
Maddox: Ohhhhhh, man! (Dick laughs) That fuckin'…So…so. Lesson learned. I hope those kids went home hungry without their dad that night.
Dick: (laughs) I hope they got into a car wreck. I don't give a fuck. Fuck that guy. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, let's just wipe him from the Earth. (laughing) This poor guy who has a mental disorder! Who is yelling at employees in a toy store because they didn't have a Genesis.
Dick: Oh, we had one, it was just 20$ more.
Maddox: It's 20$ more, yeah.
Dick: Than he thought it was.
Sean: Or. He might have been just an entitled asshole who deserves every bad thing he gets.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. He deserved it.
Sean: There's that too.
Maddox: Yeah. But those people are generally rich. If you're rich, you're generally more entitled…
Sean Yup. (laughing)
Maddox: And if he's arguing for 20$, that guy's not that entitled, is he?
Dick: If you're rich, you're not shopping at KB Toys, you're shopping at Toys R Us. So why don't you get rid of that fuckin' argument, Maddox? (Maddox laughing) That's m problem. Not enough Black Friday violence. It's The Purge! Let's step it up, people! (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, pretty good problem, Dick. I don't want to admit it, but I have to, because it was. I agree, there isn't enough Black Friday deaths, along with not enough candy with razors in it. Alright Dick, what are your problems this week?
Dick: My problems are "Airline Surcharges" and "Not Enough Black Friday Violence".
Maddox: And my problems are "Mandatory Holiday Shifts" and "Snakes", which should be the biggest problem in the universe, guys! Vote it up! Don't disappoint me like you did with monkeys, you idiots.
Dick: It's also the only problem here that's not holiday themed! (Maddox and Sean laugh) Way to go, Maddox!
Maddox: You got it. Although, you could say it's Christmas-themed, if you think about it.
Dick: Hey, speaking of the happiest time of the year, we're kicking off the Christmas season, December 1st, with our next bonus episode.
Maddox: Right! Give it a listen. People really loved the first one. We've got some…actually, Dick's comeuppance is coming in the bonus episode. You're gonna get yours, Dick. For all the horseshit I had to put up with this episode.
Dick: This time?
Maddox: Oh yeah.
Dick: The next one? Oh.
Maddox: Oh yeah.
Dick: Fuck you.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, we have a big, big announcement to make. We should have done this at the top of the show, but we're doing a live show! A live taping. We're gonna be doing in Los Angeles. If you're in the Los Angeles area in December, we haven't decided on the day yet, but some time near the end of December, maybe the 2nd or 3rd week, so the middle, actually. But we're gonna be doing a live show and we may be able to get a live studio audience in there. Not a lot of seats, but we'll post some more details as this happens, and it's something exciting that Dick and I have been working on. I think that you guys will really like it.
Dick: It'll be a lot of fun.
Maddox: So, to wrap things up, go to the website, vote on these problems, stay tuned for more information about those live shows, and the bonus episode coming next time.
Dick: And if you bought it, it will be emailed to you.
Dick: If you bought the season pass, a link to download it will be emailed to you.
Maddox: Right. We should…if you bought the season pass, you're going to get the entire bundle. You will get 12 episodes from the time when you bought it.
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: Thanks for…(recording cuts off)