Biggest Solution in the Universe - Episode 05
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
(Heavy metal theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Solution In The Universe! I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson…
Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy? (grinning)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Sean: Hello.
Dick: Sean, we barely caught you on this one. I thought you were gonna be farming ass again. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But you're here. Thank God.
Sean: I stayed in the country.
Maddox: Digging that asshole. (Dick cracks up loudly)
Sean: Jesus. Right out of the gate. (Maddox chuckles)
Dick: That is what he'd be doing if he was farming ass. (cracking up)
Maddox: What else would you be doing?
Dick: I don't know!! (still laughing)
Maddox: I mean, there's no more…there's no body part more appointment for mining than an asshole, um. Except for maybe nose holes. Anyway, either way. You're diggin' it. Um, okay. Let's just…let's just get this out of the way, Dick.
Dick: What? (grins)
Maddox: The biggest solutions in the universe from last time.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Can we just talk about this, alright? Encrypting Everything. Way to go for phrasing it correctly after getting beat over the head.
Dick: Hey, can I put some background music while you're reading off the solutions from last time?
Maddox: Great.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: What's the…what's the background…
(Sound clip starts, "Titanic" theme starts)
Dick guffaws
Maddox: You motherfucker! (Dick laughs) This is…okay. This is not…you better. I'm gonna delete this.
Dick: What?! Why!?
Maddox: Sean. Delete this track.
Dick: WHY?!?! WHY?!
Maddox: Start over.
Dick: Why not?!!
Maddox: This is bullshit!
Dick: What's bullshit about it!?
(Theme still playing)
Maddox: Because it's…first of all, it's illegal. This isn't fair use.
Sean: Dick is mixing this one.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Fuck you! Fuck both of you! This is collusion. Oh, this…
(Singing starts, it's the parody version: "Maddox is an asshole…")
Maddox: Okay, this is the parody. Fine, fuck you. (Dick laughs)
Dick: It's the parody.
Maddox: And then Lesbians got trounced. You guys are idiots! You think Encrypting Everything's a solution? (Dick cracks up) I can't even think!!!!!
Dick: Go ahead, tell me, what?!
Maddox: No! I'm getting pissed off!! (Dick laughing) This fuckin' song.
Dick: I'm surprised lesbians didn't win, too.
Maddox: Yeah.
(Song continues in the background)
Maddox: Yeah. It's hard for lesbians to win over your bullshit! Your little gimmicks. And then Abortion?!!? You guys didn't think Abortion was a solution?!!? Fuck you!!! (Dick cracks up laughing) You know, I bet they didn't use protection in the fucking Titanic. Abortion would have saved their ass if they didn't sink and die!
Dick: That's true. They didn't have enough protection on the Titanic. 'Cause there weren't enough lifeboats. Right? That was a big deal.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So everybody died.
Maddox: Good. Good. I'm glad everyone died on the Titanic. You know what? I wish the Titanic were resurrected today so it could crash again. That'd make me fucking happy. I would celebrate.
Dick: Sounds like you need time travelling.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) Dead last. In fact, Dick, Time Travel got -170 votes as of this recording.
Dick: Well…
Maddox: Which means it's a problem!
Dick: No, I thought about that, 'cause I brought it in thinking it'd be a great solution and then during the episode, you…you know, you proved that wrong pretty quickly. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Within one word! (laughing)
Dick: And then reading people's comments. Yeah. Reading people's comments, I realized I brought it in as a solution because I would just use it to do bad things.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I'm like yeah, that's a great solution for me, but…
Maddox: Solutions to you, Dick, are just ways in which you can fuck other people over. That's what I've learned to realize. Also, last bonus episode, Dick, I don't know if you remember, but I'm sure our fans do. We played Biggest Problem Bingo.
Dick: Oh yeah, that was fun.
Maddox: Which a fan sent in, but the problem was that it wasn't randomized and…here, in fact, I got a comment from Taylor Leeland. He says, "Since you idiots only posted one Bingo card, there's no variation and everyone playing Bingo is going to win at the same time. Way to go, morons."
Dick: (laughing) Yeah.
Maddox: Alright, Taylor. Dickhead. Uh, I get it. Obviously, this wasn't a mass consumption product. (Dick cracks up) However…
Dick: How do you play Bingo by yourself, anyway? (grins)
Maddox: I don't know.
Dick: Like, even if it's…
Maddox: I guess you would have to post your results on the Comments board. And then Ryan Sutherland replied to him and says, "Way to point out something they immediately say in the video when it's brought up, Sherlock."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, dickhead. Then one of our other fans came to our rescue. This guy named Nathaniel Cagel. He sent me a…he wrote a randomized version of the Bingo scorecard.
Dick: Oh, that's cool.
Maddox: Yeah. We're gonna link to it on this episode and if you guys wanna play along at home, you can finally play a randomized Bingo card. So that's…yeah. That's really cool. And it'll be specific to this episode, too. We can update the cards.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Anyway, yeah. So…
Dick: All the excitement of Bingo with the…with the fun of Solitaire. (grins) Right? (Maddox laughs) You can play Bingo by yourself. We've cracked it.
Maddox: Whoa, Dick. Whoa.
Dick: It's a huge solution.
Maddox: Whoa, whoa. Let's not oversell it. (laughing)
Dick: Yeah. Oh, yeah. We already got in trouble for overselling things, didn't we.
Maddox: Oh….
Dick: This month. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Ahhh, these fucking idiots. These knuckleheads. Um…
Dick: I got a comment for you from Christian Finch. I thought this was pretty interesting. "Maddox, you're a pretty funny dude, but even you have to admit that you're a chode. Lol"
Maddox: Thanks. (laughs)
Dick: I mean…he's got you there. Right?
Maddox: Well, he makes a compelling argument, in that it's just calling me a name.
Dick: Yeah. Uhh, let's see. I got one from…oh! Oh, god. This one made me laugh a lot. Andrew Johnwinopalooski…okay, buddy. Enough with the names.
Maddox: Yeah, one name, dude.
Dick: Uh, he…you remember we talked about having a time machine and you specifically brought up people going back in time and killing Hitler as a baby.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, would you be able to kill Hitler as a baby.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That was what you were saying.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And you were saying that most people would not be able to do that.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Just 'cause it's still murdering a baby.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So he says, "If people have reservations about killing Hitler, then why not just kidnap him when he's a youth, bring him to the future, and leave him somewhere fun for kids and less anti-Semitic, like Disney World." That made me laugh because, like, this whole debate we got into about killing Hitler as a baby. We have a time machine, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So we're faced with killing Hitler as a baby. We wanna kill a baby so bad…(Maddox laughs) it never occurred to either of us that we could just, you know, kidnap him, or like, give him to other people to raise so he wouldn't be Hitler.
Maddox: Well, okay. If we're just like…(Dick guffaws) transporting people back into the future and we can bring people with us. How many people can we bring on this time machine? Can we bring families? Can we bring entire nations? Like how…where's the limit? Can we just keep going back and forth and bring in people to the future?
Dick: We could literally just walk baby Hitler to another village and say, "Here you go! Here's a baby." (grinning) (Maddox chuckles) There's an orphanage! Take him. Like, they don't have DNA back then. They don't know.
Maddox: There's no guarantee Hitler wouldn't be Hitler in another village or a theme park. Guys…
Dick: (laughing) I guess.
Maddox: It's the happiest place on Earth. And it won't be for long if Hitler's there.
Dick: Baby Hitler. You're saying.
Maddox: Yeah, baby Hitler's gotta grow up…look, the first thing that's gonna happen if you let him loose at Disneyland. Child Protective Services is gonna come.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And put him in an orphanage somewhere. He's gonna grow resentful. Yeah, he has one happy day at Disneyland. Then, he's an abandoned…he's a child without parents! You think Hitler needed any more negative influences in his youth? He's still gonna grow up hating the Jews and thinking they're a problem!
Dick: Gotta kill the baby then, I guess. Solid argument.
Maddox: You know what, though. You could bring him back to the future. Take him to Disneyland, and drown him in the "It's a Small World" ride.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Right? That river's pretty…that river's deep enough to down a baby. I've test…I've seen it. Um, I have another comment. This one's from Caleb Derwad. (Dick chuckles) He says, "If #freethenipple…" (Sean and Dick crack up) Yeah.
Sean: That's almost as good as Fuckrumpus. (Maddox and Dick laugh)
Maddox: Caleb Derwad.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: He says, " If #freethenipple results in an inordinate amount of boners, just mention time travel and the hordes of nerds that collect to argue paradoxes and alternate universes should settle things down."
Dick: Yeah, that's true. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You throw time travel out there and everybody's all of a sudden, like, debating the finer points of time travel and what it would be in this universe, and "Oh, it's also gotta be a distance machine!"
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And…"In a multiverse theory…" blabla…like, a lot of armchair physicists in the comments on that one.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: For an impossible fantasy idea.
Maddox: Even physicists are not qualified to discuss this. (Dick guffaws) And then we have people less qualified than anyone that could potentially be qualified discussing it.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: I have a comment from Jessica Strathkoeter. She says, "The lesbian porn point is spot on. I think a lot of it has to do with simply being able to relate to what you see." And then it gets sexy here. She says, "As a woman, seeing a woman enjoy sex and knowing how she must feel and wanting that as well is very arousing, but I don't think sexuality is as linear as people think. Sex in general is sexual. Arousing." That's how its…
Dick: (laughing) That's just jibberish, now.
Maddox: (laughing) That's how it's…yeah. Anyway. She just goes on for about, like, two paragraphs, and then somehow ends on "big cock". (Sean laughs)
Dick: Oh, great.
Maddox: Yeah. I'm not gonna read the whole thing. I'll leave that to your imagination.
Dick: Well, someone left an erotic voicemail, I guess. I think this is having to do with my time travelling solution.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "This is Dick from 2030. (Maddox chuckles) Sorry to tell you, but I'm dying from a lifetime of drinking too much semen. (Maddox laughs) You gotta stop now, man! You're killin' us! Also, Maddox was right. Monkeys are ruining the world! Vote it up. Peace out, Girl Scout.")
Dick: Vote it up. There you go. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I knew it! I called it! Monkeys are the biggest problem in the universe.
(Sound clip: Monkeys grunting)
Dick: Uh…let's see. Oh, I got this one. I don't know if you wanna talk about this, but I brought it in, because a couple people have mentioned it. And I like to bring in stuff like this on bonus episodes, you know.
Maddox: Alright.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey guys, this is Clay Aiken." (They all crack up) I think this might be a good question for the bonus episode. I know a long time ago on the podcast, Maddox said he was going to talk about the Penn and Teller Bullshit Episode. (Maddox: Oh yeah.) And hasn't yet. Actually, like, the third or fourth result on Google for that clip is the Facebook post from Maddox in 2011 saying "I'll probably address this in the future." So I guess now is probably as good a time as any. What's the story behind that clip? Also, Dick, you have some pretty cool hair. (Dick: Oh.) Everyone can go fuck themselves.")
Maddox: Oh, alright. This guy's into your hair.
Dick: This guy's been waiting three years for you to respond to that.
Maddox: (laughing) You know what's sad about that is, that's not even close to the longest I've responded to a fan. I responded to a fan six years after he emailed me one time. And it was a one-word response. (laughs)
Dick: What was it?
Maddox: Uh, I think I mentioned this in an earlier episode. But it was a guy who sent me an email right before he was about to be deployed in Iraq. (Dick cracks up) And it was like…it was in, like, 2004, I think?
Sean: You're a terrible person.
Dick: Jesus. Yeah. You are a terrible person. (grinning)
Maddox: (chuckles) He sent me an email, and he was like, "Hey…"
Sean: He could have died like every day of the year and you respond to him six years later.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Six years later.
Sean: That's fantastic.
Dick: Ahhh, I hope he had his email forwarded to his wife or something. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: He said, "Hey Maddox, I'm a real big fan. I've been reading your webpage forever…" bla bla bla. "And I was just wondering if I had your permission to print up some of your articles to take with me to Iraq so I can post them around the barracks. To cheer me up."
Dick: (scoffs) Oh, my God.
Maddox: And, you know, I don't want to do it if I don't have your permission, bla, bla bla, Big fan. Thanks." Anyway, didn't reply to him until, like, yeah. Six years later, I believe. And it was a one-word response. And I said, "Sure." (laughing) He may have actually…that's how long it takes for me to reply sometimes. You may actually die before you get a response from me.
Dick: What if…what if he printed them all up, right? Like, he printed out your whole website.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Into, like, a 500-page stack of stuff and he took it with him to Iraq. And then, like, he got shot while he was carrying it, and the bullet got stopped by your stack of articles. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Mhmm. Protected by righteous satire, buddy!
Dick: That'd be pretty cool. That's probably what happened.
Maddox: Yeah. I tell that to myself. Uh, so Dick. We've mentioned this on the show before that we recorded six long-lost episodes.
Dick: Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are you gonna talk about the Penn and Teller thing from that guy's voice mail?
Maddox: No. No.
Dick: Not even a little tease?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Not even a little bit?
Maddox: No. No. Because the Penn and Teller thing…I was going to create an actual episode about this.
Dick: An episode of what? Your show?
Maddox: Yeah. The Best Show in The Universe.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I was gonna create an entire episode about it. Because it's better….look. Certain things are best done in written form. Certain things are best done in audio form. And certain things are best done in audio-video. That's best done in audio-video, because it's an episode, and I'm going to use clips from the episode to comment about it.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah. So it's…I wouldn't be able to do it justice talking about it here…but I…okay. Here's a tease. I'll give you this much.
Dick: Okay, that's what I want.
Maddox: Uh, Penn and Teller…
Dick: Just the tip. Just gimme the tip. (grinning)
Maddox: Here's the tip, Dick. Uh, Penn and Teller don't do anything for that show. They just send producers around. So I didn't meet Penn and Teller.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They send people around to interview their guests, their subjects, and then they edit all the clips out of context and make one big fuckup that fits their narrative.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: So, that's the tease. A lot of people wondered if I met Penn and Teller. No, of course not. They're just sitting in their mansions in Vegas, raking…counting their cash. So.
Dick: Yeah. They probably do all those episodes in, like, one day.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, just sitting in front of those big, dumb letters.
Maddox: They do those episodes in a voiceover booth. We probably put more effort into setting up for this show than they do for Penn and Teller's bullshit.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Oh, I'm sure.
Maddox: Anyway guys. So, I was gonna mention that a long time ago, Dick. We have those long-lost episodes that we recorded.
Dick: Oh, great.
Maddox: Of the Biggest Problem in the Universe.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Remember those? (grins)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No one's ever heard these. Very few people. In fact, maybe, what, three-four people counting us. So I brought in a supercut.
Dick: Oh, cool.
Maddox: Yeah. During our first bonus episode, I brought in a supercut of Episode #1. And during this one, I'm bringing in a supercut of episode #2.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: From our long-lost episode.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Here it is.
(Ritzy theme music starts…
Dick: "Oh, great. Here comes Maddox with another load of crap to dump right in my face." (Maddox and Dick laugh)
Dick: "My biggest problem absolutely in the universe. Yeah, I like productivity, whatever. But it's people workin'. Who cares.")
Dick: Why is it all me? (Dick and Maddox crack up)
(Dick: "I feel like I'm not an idiot. This is indicative of a bigger problem that's going on." (Dick laughs)
Maddox: "Oh wow, I didn't realize your butt was so hurt."
Dick: "I notice immediately upon grasping it that something feels wrong."
Dick: "He effed me over last time with bums ejaculating." (Maddox laughs)
Dick: "It feels like the same weight, but something about it feels cheap."
Maddox: "It's too crinkly."
Dick: "It's a little too crinkly.")
Dick: Oh, I know what I'm talking about.
(Dick: "And shooting all over my hands." (Dick and Maddox laugh))
Dick: Oooookay.
(Maddox: "And I know for the majority of you out there, you couldn't give less of a shit about that, because you're idiots."
Maddox: "I have conceded that most people are morons." (Dick laughs)
Maddox: "Okay, my other problem is Apple Turnovers with Rock Sugar on Top." (Dick cracks up)
Dick: "Why do you always have food problems?"
Maddox: "Dishwashers are stupid."
Dick: "I do wanna compliment you, because I thought your apple turnovers with rock sugar was retarded.)
Dick: Are we on Valium?!
(Maddox: "Mhmm."
Dick: "When you first brought it up. I thought, 'Here comes Maddox again with another trick. Another of his crazy fantasies. But I totally agree, because eating the rock sugar ruins the dessert. It's all about show.")
Dick: It's true.
(Dick: "It's about showing off. And I feel like I'm eating my own teeth.")
Dick: (laughing) It's true!
(Maddox: "I was a fat kid. Like, all I ever did was eat and write. I was a fat kid most of my life, and then I got fatter. This is my reward for eating all my veggies."
Dick: (laughing) "Okay."
Dick: "You're not wrong, but you are wrong.")
Maddox: Dick Versus Dick!! (Dick and Maddox crack up)
(Maddox: "Have to make a new show called the Biggest Solutions in the Universe."
Dick: "It would be…yeah."
Maddox: "These transitions are superfluous…" )
Maddox: Hey, did you hear that?
Dick: What? What did it say?
(Maddox: "They waste your time. They waste your resources. We'd have to create a new show called the Biggest Solutions in the Universe.")
Dick: Oh, really!!!
Maddox: Yeah.
(Maddox: "These transitions are superfluous… They waste your time. They waste your resources."
Dick: "Tweetering around…texting people."
Maddox: "Did you not pick up in the last episode when I mentioned Tweetering? Do you think the website's called Tweeter? Why do you keep saying 'tweetering'?"
Dick: "Because that's what…what are you, 'twittering' to people? ")
(Maddox chuckles)
(Maddox: "You're tweeting."
Dick: "Oh, sh…stop!! Shut the hell up."
Maddox: "You're not 'tweetering'!"
Dick: "I'm not 'tweeting'."
Maddox: "I flush low-flow toilets twice out of spite."
Ritzy theme winds down and stops)
(Dick and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: I like how you doubled down in that episode, too. (grins)
Dick: On what?
Maddox: On 'tweetering'.
Dick: Yeah. It is 'tweetering'.
Maddox: No. (laughs)
Dick: Um, did it…why do we…why were we talking with that weird affect? And like, it sounded like two people in bed who had just gotten done humping.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Did it sound like that to you?
Maddox: It's…
Dick: Like, that weird, slow drawl?
Maddox: Yeah. It was really slow. The entire episode. I listened to it and I went back and there was SO much dead air. I mean, I edit all these episodes, and now, when I edit these episodes, I don't have to cut a lot of dead airs, or 'um's and 'uh's from these episodes, because we've trained and we've practiced, and this is how we deliver.
Dick: I should hope not.
Maddox: Yeah, but those old episodes were pretty awful in terms of the editing and the quality. That's why a lot of times, people, when they start doing podcasts, they record all their podcasts and they just put 'em right out. What you should do is throw away at least the first six. They're garbage.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: For the most part.
Dick: Yeah. Uh…
Maddox: And that still was better than most podcasts I hear today.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That old…yeah.
Dick: Yeah. I agree. You wanna get to a problem?
Maddox: No, I wanna get to a SOLUTION, Dick!
Dick: Oh yeah, sorry. Get to a solution.
Maddox: Let's get to the first solution! (laughing) And possibly the biggest solution. Oculus Rift.
Dick: Oh!!!!! The video games.
Maddox: (laughing) Yes dad, the video games.
Dick: (laughs) Alright.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: You got one of those? You got one of them Oculus Rift things?
Maddox: I don't have one, but I want one. Dick, have you ever tried one?
Dick: No. No.
Maddox: Okay, I heard a lot of hype from people.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: For, I don't know, the better part of the last year, about people who've tried the Oculus Rift. They said, "Yeah, it's pretty cool." Cool doesn't cut it, buddy. I'm gonna…here's something I'm gonna say without a single ounce…
Dick: Wait, have you tried one?
Maddox: Yes, absolutely.
Dick: Okay. I didn't know that.
Maddox: I spent some good time with an Oculus Rift. My friend has one and I spent about 45 minutes with one. And I can say this with absolute…without an ounce of irony or sarcasm.
Dick: Or hyperbole.
Maddox: Or hyperbole. There is life before and life after Oculus Rift.
Dick: Whaaaat?! Really?
Maddox: Yeah. And I will go one step further and I will say that the Oculus Rift will make bodies irrelevant.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: And that's the most powerful statement I can make about this new technology.
Dick: Okay, I have one question. How many times did you jerk off while you were using your friend's Oculus Rift?
Maddox: Uh, none yet.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: 'Cause he was in the room. I imagine. I supposed. But mentally, millions of times. This thing is such amazing technology. So, when I say it's gonna make bodies irrelevant, I mean that in every sense of the word. You don't need your body anymore. The Oculus Rift can transport you to any place you want to go.
Dick: Are they a sponsor?
Maddox: (laughing) No, not yet! But they should be.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: 'Cause I'm gonna fuckin…oh, man. I am all about Oculus Rift. I am all in. I'm cashing in all my chips. This is it. Oculus Rift, baby. I don't…look. As soon as the technology gets perfected, I think in the next 5 to 10 years, all I need is a tube into my brain.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: To feed me nutrients. And then synapses. My synapses hooked up to…directly to my brain so it simulates, like, touch and feel, and that's it, man. That's all I ever want to do. That's all I ever want to become. And there will be two classes of people. This is my prediction…
Dick: (interjects) I was just gonna say.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I was just gonna say what you were about to say. Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause I can't wait for this.
Maddox: Uh-huh. There's gonna be two classes of people, 'kay? There are going to be the Controllers, those are people who manipulate and control things through the Oculus Rift interface.
Dick: Okay. (grins)
Maddox: And there will be the dummy slave people. Okay?
Sean: Okay, Manson. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Fuck you. (Maddox laughs) You're the fuckin' Morlocks underground, asshole.
Maddox: That's exactly it.
Dick: No. You fat losers with your VR goggles are gonna be shoved into coffins that we stack six high while guys like me and Sean enjoy the real world. (Maddox laughs) It's gonna be perfect! You guys can just opt out of the human race!
Maddox: You know what, Dick?
Dick: We'll be done with you.
Maddox: Fuck you, and fuck the real world. Because I wanna stay in Oculus Rift forever.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: I never wanna leave it! I spent 45 minutes in this thing, and I've been thinking about it every day since. All I want to do is be inside Oculus Rift.
Dick: Have you really?! (incredulous)
Maddox: It is absolutely…by the way, you think Internet is addictive now? You think video games are addictive now? You haven't seen anything. I never want to leave this thing, ever. It's a better experience than life. You can sit down. You can go to a theater if you want.
Dick: (laughing) He's talking about heroin.
Maddox: No!
Dick: It sounds like he's talking about heroin! (Maddox guffaws) Have you ever heard a heroin addict talk about heroin? This is how they sound! I swear to God! That's exactly how they sound.
Maddox: Oh, I believe it, and I never want to quit! (Dick laughs) It's not a problem! It's not a problem. It's a solution! That's why I brought in. Listen, Dick. (Dick giggles) You have no idea the experience you can have in this thing. Okay? You wanna go to a movie? You wanna go to a movie with…
Dick: Yeah, I'd go to the movie. That's a horrible example to start with!
Maddox: No! No. Because that's one of the examples that they had in the Oculus Rift. They said "If you want to watch a movie…"
Dick: Going to a movie?! (laughing)
Maddox: Yes. It sounds ridiculous, 'kay? Until you try it. You will have a better experience watching a movie inside the Oculus Rift. (Dick cracking up) You laugh now, asshole!
Dick: I'm sorry!
Maddox: You're gonna be a slave! You're gonna be one of my slaves!!!
Dick: You're describing your ultimate fantasy of virtual reality, is going to a fake virtual movie by yourself!! (laughing) It's going and sitting in a theater by your fucking self and watching a movie!!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: That's not actually a movie. That's your takeaway. (still laughing)
Sean: It's like when our buddy dreamed that he was taking a nap.
Dick: Yeah, exactly. You mean, with this technology, I can go to a movie by myself?!?! Whoaaaaa!!!!
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Maddox: You know what?! Fuck you, Dick! I don't need you belittling my enthusiasm for this new technology! (Dick still giggling) You don't even understand! This is a lesser mind, you dullard! You dopes! You and Sean laughing it up! Having a good old time at my expense!! (Dick cracking up) Listen to this. You don't even understand. This is how much of a lesser mind you guys are.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: You don't even realize that everything you experience in life is a perception that occurs inside your mind.
Dick: Yeah, I realize that.
Maddox: Oh, do you?!
Dick: Yeah. (cracking up)
Maddox: Well then why is it so absurd that you could have a better moviegoing experience inside an Oculus Rift?
Dick: Wait, what?! Why is it…why is it better that you had a better experience inside the Oculus Rift?
Maddox: Why is it so absurd? You think it's absurd that you could have a better moviegoing experience inside the Oculus Rift?!
Dick: Oh, I don't think it's absurd. I just think it's funny that that's what you latched onto. (Maddox giggles) Like, that your fantasy…your moviegoing experience was profoundly different going in, like, a virtual reality movie than…
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, man.
Dick: …like, the minor annoyances that haunt an average, real movie theater.
Maddox: There are no annoyances in the Oculus Rift. (Dick snorts) Everything is perfect, all the time. You sit where you want to sit. Nobody sits in front of you if you don't want them to. You can be on a date with whoever you want. You can be on a date with multiple people and they can be real people in real life hooked up someplace else, but they don't have to look like their ugly faces in real life.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: You can date whoever you want! They can have the bodies that you want. You can do whatever you want inside the Oculus Rift.
Dick: You can take a piss while you're watching the movie and you don't have to get up and go!
Maddox: Oh, sure. You can do whatever you want.
Dick: Right?
Maddox: Yeah. You can take a piss…
Sean: But you get…you get whatever you want.
Maddox: Essentially, Sean. That's it. That's why this is better…
Sean: That sounds terrible.
Maddox: (interjects) This is better than real life.
Dick: Can't you just, like, close your eyes and imagine that, though? Like, does going to a fake movie? Is that that much better than just pretending that you're going to a movie, like a five-year-old? (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. You can't imagine watching an entire film you've never seen.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: I mean, you can, but you have to then be the creator of the film as well. It's interesting to see other people's visions come to life, right? So inside the Oculus Rift, I've already thought about this. I've thought about the workflow. I've thought about how I can stay inside the Oculus Rift and never have to leave again.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Okay? So the Oculus Rift creates a virtual world around you. And you can change rooms, you can change sceneries whenever you want, at any time you want. There's a demo of the Oculus Rift that transports you, I think, to Tuscany, Italy. Or some beautiful villa or something on the Italian countryside.
Dick: Sure. Yeah.
Maddox: The graphics are pretty rudimentary. I'd say it's…32…64 bit, probably…Super Nintendo, er, Nintendo 64 graphics.
Dick: So the boobs are like triangles?
Maddox: No. You know, it's better than that.
Dick: Squares?
Maddox: I'll say it's probably…probably, like, 2010 computer graphics. That's what this looks like so far.
Dick: In terms of, like, computer graphics boobs. What are we talking about? Like, the first Dead or Alive, or Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball?
Maddox: No. In terms…in terms…look. The models you can have in there can be as complex as you want. It just depends on your processor power.
Dick: Oh, I got processor power over here, buddy.
Maddox: Oookay. Have you played the game Dead Space, Dick?
Dick: No. No.
Maddox: Of course not. You're a pussy. (laughs) Um, Dead Space has pretty complex mod…you know what? Any modern fighting game. The characters that you can have inside the Oculus Rift…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Look like they're about as complex as any modern fighting game.
Dick: Wow, that's pretty cool.
Maddox: But there is no limitation. The only limitation is your hardware. Okay?
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So I've already thought about this. So, you can transport to this Italian countryside, right?
Dick: Right.
Maddox: And you can walk inside this house, and you can look up and down, and you can see the ceiling. You can see the floor. The only thing that's unsettling about the Oculus Rift experience is you still cannot see your limbs. If you could see your limbs, that's it, man. This is a game-changer. That's enough for me. I wanna be in this forever.
Dick: But you wanna see someone else's limbs, right?
Maddox: I…I'll…(stammers) Look, buddy. (Dick guffaws) My limbs are more than enough!
Dick: If this is a fantasy…
Maddox: Everybody wants to see my limbs.
Sean: Wait, limbs are the reason it would take for you to stay in there forever?
Maddox: Yes, Sean.
Sean: If you could see your own arms, you would stay?
Maddox: I would stay. (Dick laughing) I wouldn't be here right now. If I could see my limbs…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. You'd be in your mom's basement banging on the ceiling for more soup!! (Maddox and Sean crack up) So you don't have to leave your computer goggles!!! (cracks up) While me and Sean…
Maddox: (interjects) You guys are such assholes!
Dick: …The lesser minds, are out, you know, enjoying real life.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. You guys are gonna be the slave race. There will be a slave race.
Dick: Why sl…what do you mean, slave race?!?! (incredulous)
Maddox: Okay, it's not slave race…
Dick: Because you sit there on a computer, you're, like, a mastermind?!?!
Maddox: There will be masterminds and there will be worker minds. Okay? People who maybe are slower thinkers, if they were just born…maybe they have a learning deficiency, something…I dunno what it is.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: I don't know what it is. Maybe it's a poverty class. I'm telling you. This is a dire prediction I'm making right now.
Dick: (scoffs) Well, yeah.
Maddox: But I'm telling you right now, when Oculus Rift becomes mainstream, people are going to be addicted like you've never seen. People will never want to leave the Oculus Rift. It is a better experience than life.
Dick: (inhales) Well, okay. My first thought is…it's gonna be the same people who are addicted to computers now.
Maddox: No! This is a next-level thing, Dick. I'm telling you. This is more addictive than anything I've ever tried. Any video game I've ever played. Because, Dick, I can play any video game I want inside the Oculus Rift and it's a better experience inside the Oculus Rift than sitting in my own living room and playing it on my TV, because I can flip the channel to whatever I want. I can make the TV bigger if I want. I can make my couch bigger if I want. Anything your mind can imagine can happen inside the Oculus Rift. And, you can control things by looking at them. So if you want to lift a cup up from a shelf and bring it over to you…
Dick: Like you can do in real life.
Maddox: No, see, you can't.
Dick: Oh, you mean with your mind.
Maddox: With your mind. Yeah.
Dick: Okay. Alright.
Maddox: Yeah. You can do it entirely with your mind. Now, here's the workflow. I've already thought about this, okay?
Dick: Okay, yeah. (grins)
Maddox: This is also going to make monitors irrelevant. You only need a tiny little monitor to launch the Oculus Rift, and then inside the Oculus Rift itself, you create virtual monitors. So if you want to be coding, right? If you're gonna be coding, you can have code on three different screens. Have a fourth screen just for compiling. (Dick cracks up) And just look up, down, whenever you want. Compile. You can code wherever you want. Anyplace you look, you're instantly typing. That is going to increase productivity in workflow like we've NEVER seen before!
Dick: I don't think the bottleneck on coding is the amount of screens that programmers have, though.
Maddox: Well…
Dick: Like, it's not that much…but I'm way more interested in…okay. Your benefits of the Oculus Rift so far is you can see a movie by yourself. (Maddox chuckles) Number one.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And you can sit at your computer programming, lifting cups around.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Well, not just that.
Dick: And you can see a Tuscan villa that has Super Nintendo graphics.
Maddox: No, it's better than that, Dick.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: It's modern graphics. Dick, you don't even understand…(Dick guffaws)
Dick: (interjects) Well, okay. Lemme ask you this.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You're saying it's gonna be crazy addictive, right?
Maddox: Yes. Yes.
Dick: If I spent an hour in this Oculus Rift, would I trade two beers for that?
Maddox: I would. I absolutely would.
Dick: You would. But…
Maddox: Ye…Yeah, Dick. You know, it's hard to say, because you're kind of a jackass. But, like…(Dick cracks up)
Dick: (Maddox chuckles) That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me. (Maddox cracks up) The "kinda".
Maddox: Kinda. (laughing) Right? I qualified it.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: I honestly think, Dick, that once they get us…look. All they need to do is put some tubes in my brain and then feed nutrients into my brain. Just a mush…just put me into the Matrix. I never wanna leave. I'm the first fucking advocate of this thing. I'm gonna be the biggest…what…
Dick: Loser!
Maddox: Proselytizer? No! (laughing) (Sean cracks up) No, asshole! The Oculus Rift is the future. I'm telling you. Anything…any experience you want in life. If you want to travel, you want to go see Paris? Guess what? You can see Paris better inside the Oculus Rift than you can in real lift.
Dick: Yeah, but where's the experience part!? Like, where's the person you're with?!
Maddox: Dick, that's my point! Therein lies the entire rub here, is that the experience that you have in real life is only happening inside your brain. So, if you can create that same exact experience without leaving, then what difference is there between the virtual experience and the real one!
Dick: I'll tell you. Because I…when I was 22…what was it, Sean? I was 22, you were 23, and we went on a big car trip around Europe. Right? Remember that?
Sean: Oh, yeah. Yep.
Dick: And what I remember most about that trip. We started in Nice. We went down to…what did we go through, Trinquetero, Venice, uh, Munich. We went…we did a big loop, right? And the two things I remember most about that trip are Sean and I both throwing up in urinals at a local bar that, like, we met some locals and they took us to?
Sean: Yeah, in Munich.
Dick: In Munich. And Sean almost getting hit by, like, a semi truck while we were trying to make the slowest left turn ever. You remember that?
Sean: Oh, yeah, yeah. Pulling into the gas station.
Dick: That's what I remember.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause it had, like, a big emotional impact.
Maddox: Wow.
Dick: Does that happen on the Oculus Rift?
Maddox: Yeah, except it's even better. Because instead of almost getting hit by the semi, how about actually getting hit by the semi. Wouldn't that be fucking cool?
Dick: But you don't feel anything!
Maddox: You can, because you can have it simulate touch and feel inside your mind!
Dick: What, like….
Maddox: (interjects) If it's connected to your synapses, that's all…all they need to do is fire off certain neutrons…
Dick: D'oh!!! (cracks up)
Maddox: Look, they're already doing this…this technology exists, Dick.
Sean: Wait, neutrons?
Dick: Neutrons or neurons?
Maddox: No, neurons. I meant to say neurons.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They can…they've already created some technology where they're creating an electronic interface with your spine so that you can…so people who are paralyzed are able to feel again…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: …because they're sending electronic impulses. It's very low resolution right now, but it's getting better. Look, we are probably 10 to 20 years away from a Matrix-style event where we are all going to be plugged into this thing, and I'm telling you. You wanna be drunk inside the Oculus Rift? You can have it programmed so that if you go to a bar, pick up an alcoholic drink that registers as being alcoholic?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: They can pump some alcohol into your mind. (Dick giggles) Or they can…they can tell your mind to act drunk just like you would in real life. It's all bullshit. It's all perception. It's all smoke and mirrors! Reality is smoke and mirrors, Dick!
Dick: Oh, man. (sighs)
Maddox: We might be in an Oculus Rift right now!
Dick: Ugh, no, no, no.
Maddox: You don't fucking know.
Dick: I…I hate the …well, I like the idea, 'cause all of you guys can just go do it.
Maddox: What do you mean, you guys?
Dick: You fucking guys. You techno-fetishes.
Maddox: Ohhhh. Careful what you say, buddy. 'Cause I'm gonna be one of the master race. You don't even see it coming.
Dick: Why do you think you're gonna be a master race?!? So far, you have no new abilities in the Oculus Rift that you have in real life. Like, you have a computer in real life. You have a movie theater in real life! You're gonna do the same things in the Oculus Rift that you do in the real world, which is fuck around on Facebook and play video games! How does that make you a master race?!
Maddox: Dick, I'll tell you why. Because you can go from India to Paris to France to Germany to Greece, all within an hour. You can't do that in real life.
Dick: Yeah. Get one of those stupid red binocular toys that kids have!
Maddox: Dick…
Dick: (Sean laughs) It's just a higher resolution! What is that called?!?! (yelling)
Maddox: No, it's not. No, it's not. That's two-dimensional. This is the…the perception is like you're there. It is no different than being there in real life. You could even simulate wind blowing in your face and sense and whatever you want. You can trigger randomized events and then you can interact with other people who are visiting these places with you. And not only that, but you can visit places that don't even exist. Alien worlds that people create and you can explore them! It's unbelievable. This technology is going to change everything.
Dick: Well, uhh…you know what we should say? You know one of our guests on an upcoming live show. Is working on porno for the Oculus Rift.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Did you experiment with that at all? Because that is the first thing I wanna do when I get virtual reality binoculars.
Maddox: Sean's nodding like a hyena.
Dick: Yeah! Of course. (they all crack up)
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Because…
Dick: Did you?! Did you look at any porno on this thing?!
Maddox: No, it didn't exist for the demos. The demos are very family-friendly.
Dick: What?!?!! (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah, of course.
Dick: Why?!?!!?
Sean: Jesus, you wanna get people addicted to this, or not?
Dick: Yeah!!!
Maddox: Look, all they need to do is hook some little gadget up to your genitals and then it's going to be better than real life sex. Because you can have any virtual experience you want with anyone you want. I'm telling you, this is going to be a game changer. It's going to change morality. We're gonna have to think about what it means to cheat, because if you're having sex in the Oculus Rift with a virtual person, that's cheating, essentially, right?
Dick: I guess, but who would do that? I mean, that's…
Maddox: (interjects) Creeps.
Dick: It's the same as porn, isn't it?
Maddox: No, it's not.
Dick: Like you're jerking off to porn.
Maddox: No, it absolutely isn't. Because, if…
Dick: And there's some guilt there.
Maddox: No, no, no. Guilt with porn, absolutely not.
Dick: Isn't there?
Maddox: No, of course not.
Dick: No!?!? (incredulous)
Maddox: Because you're just…no. Because you're looking at a static image that somebody recorded at some point.
Dick: Yeah, but I feel like I'm robbing…if I've been dating a girl for a long time, right? And I rope one out when I know I'm gonna hang out with her later…(Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Rope…did you mean to say rub?
Dick: Yeah. No!! Rope…
Maddox: Alright. Okay.
Dick: Is it…is that not a term?
Maddox: I like it. Go for it.
Dick: Sorry, do you want me to be more clinical?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Do you want me to use these euphemisms?! (grins)
Maddox: No, please.
Dick: When I'm stimulating my penis…
Maddox: Gross. (laughs)
Dick: I feel like I rob her a little bit of, like, some sexual attraction in the future. You know what I'm sayin'?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Like…and there's a noticeable loss of desire when I see her later. In that way, there is some guilt involved with porn, I think.
Maddox: Dick, this is…
Dick: Do you know what I'm saying? Does that make any sense?
Maddox: Uh, no, because I don't feel that. I don't feel that. If you're…if you're using porn as a substitute for sex with the person you're dating, then yes. That could be a problem. There is porn addiction, and that's…you know, we're going down different paths, here.
Dick: She wants you to be, like, charged up though, man. Like, I haven't seen a woman in 10 years. That's what she wants.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And then when you're sitting there at 3:30 in the afternoon 'cause she's gotta go to work…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Poppin' a couple off…(Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Couple.
Dick: It's like, you know..
Maddox: What are you, rapid fire?
Dick: It's like hey, it's nice to see you, I like to see you, but I'm not humping you at the door like a golden retriever. Right?
Maddox: Dick, the difference here is that if somebody on the other end is…look. If there's some kind of device on your genitals that stimulates touch. (Dick guffaws)
Dick: Okay. (laughing)
Maddox: In every area that you need it to. And someone remotely is controlling that.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: What's the difference between somebody there…it's like, a long time ago…what's the difference between somebody manipulating it remotely versus somebody in the same room manipulating you?! Is there any difference?
Dick: No.
Maddox: It's just a remote…exactly. It's a remote control.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So I actually had this argument a long time ago. I thought about condoms.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: And condoms are very thin layers of, say, latex, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Less than a millimeter thick, right?
Dick: Sure.
Sean: Dick's heard of condoms.
Dick: (laughing) Yeah. Is that what they are? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Hear me out. This is kind of a long path you have to get here, but if you…
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: If you have sex with a woman with a condom, that's cheating, right?
Dick: Uh, yeah.
Maddox: Even though your penis technically never touches her vagina.
Dick: Correct. Uhh, yeah.
Maddox: What if that condom was thicker, say, an inch thick?
Dick: (scoffs) Whoa.
Maddox: And say this woman's vagina wouldn't tear up, right? But you could still put it inside. Is that still cheating?
Dick: Yeah, of course. Yeah.
Maddox: Well, what if that condom was thicker and thicker, so that it was like a foot thick, like a block of rubber with a hole on one end, and then a dildo peg on the other and you put it inside the woman, is that still cheating?!
Dick: Yes, it's cheating.
Maddox: It's cheating, right?
Dick: Yes. Yeah.
Maddox: Okay. What if it was 25 feet long? Is that still cheating?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay. So here's what I'm getting at. If you…if what counts is that you are connected to an object that is inside a woman, couldn't you then put your dick in the Earth and then a woman sitting on a strap-on anywhere else in the world is technically being fucked by you? Just by you having your penis inside the Earth. The Earth being the conduit as your condom. You're using the Earth as your condom.
Dick: I mean, if you're on Skype with her at the same time, then yes. That's cheating. If you're just randomly walking around sticking your dick in holes, then I would say no, that's not cheating. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That's not cheating?
Dick: No. You need to get back on your Oculus Rift if you're doing that. (Maddox and Sean crack up)
Maddox: Phew!!! Alright, dodged a bullet.
Dick: Why, are you saying that is cheating, or that's not cheating?
Maddox: Well, if you're sticking your dick in a hole in the Earth and that's not cheating, then at what point is the plastic block between you and the woman so big and so long that it no longer is cheating. Like, if you can't see her, if she's a mile away and she's out of your line of sight, but you know at the other end, she's still got it inside her vagina, that's still cheating, you're saying.
Dick: It's the emotional connection. That's the cheating part.
Maddox: Oh.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, then that takes sex out of the equation. You can cheat emotionally.
Dick: No, it's also the sex. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay, Dick. (skeptical)
Dick: When it feels like cheating, it's cheating.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: That's when it's cheating.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You know what, Dick? In the Oculus Rift…I mean, this is going to change everything. This is gonna change human morality, and you know what's gonna happen? You're going to be able to control…the master race, right?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: The master people who are controlling…
Dick: The master people who are…who have mechanical cock massagers on all day?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: While programming on six computers?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sean: I love how he keeps talking about the master race. (Dick laughs) And also said that he would take Hitler to Disneyland. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: I would drown Hitler at Disneyland, buddy. Don't forget.
Dick: I wanna know what all your master race guys are gonna be doing in there while me and Sean, us poor schlubs, are gonna be out here in the real world.
Maddox: You know what you're gonna be doing? Here's the future…
Dick: We're gonna be talking to all the broads that don't wanna use this dumb thing.
Maddox: Here's the future of humanity. I swear. This is what's gonna…this is what's coming. Development, architectural landscape developments are going to stop. The Earth is going to be much more plain, much cleaner, and all you're going to do is mine resources to create material for 3D printers to print objects and other robots to create other robots to create buildings and to create spaceships. That's the future of humanity. We're going to go to Mars, but we're not gonna send bodies, we're gonna send brains hooked up to an Oculus Rift.
Dick: Why do we even need to go to Mars if we've got all these dumb alien worlds on our virtual reality goggles?
Maddox: Because our Earth is doomed, Dick.
Dick: (scoffs) Ohhhhh, alright.
Maddox: It is. It's…I mean, we have a limited time…NASA estimated at most 1.6 billion years. And…
Dick: That's because they want funding. Every time they want funding they say, "Oh, we're all in danger of a comet, or an asteroid."
Maddox: Well, it's fucking true. We are. That is…that is the biggest problem in the universe I'm gonna bring in at some point.
Dick: I'm gonna bring in Asteroid Alarmists as a problem.
Maddox: Asteroid Alarmists?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Fuck you! You know…you're an anti-vaxxer…you're an anti-steroider. That's what you are.
Dick: Yeah. Bring it on.
Maddox: Great. Anyway, Dick. That's my solution. Oculus Rift.
Dick: It's a pretty good solution, but it went to a weird place. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, it always does. That's my solution. I can't wait, man. These 3D printers are gonna create robots everywhere. We're gonna go to fucking Mars. It's gonna be amazing. We're gonna Terraform Mars and I'm never gonna leave the Oculus Rift. I don't care. As soon as I land on Mars, I'm still gonna be plugged into my Oculus Rift playing games and watching movies with virtual people.
Dick: Why would you want to go to Mars then?
Maddox: Because we have to, Dick. It's not that I want to. It's that we have to.
Dick: But why is going to another planet safer than just sitting on this planet?
Maddox: Because, Dick, the sun is expanding. We're running out of hydrogen inside the sun! Hydrogen fusion…
Dick: That's like BILLIONS of years from now, though.
Maddox: Yeah, 4 billion. But guess what? Earth is still doomed. We have to create colonies on other planets. It increases our chances of the survival of the human race. The more colonies we have on different planets, the less likely it is that one colony can be completely wiped out by an asteroid like the dinosaurs did.
Dick: Yeah, who cares, though?
Maddox: Okay, Dick. (annoyed)
Dick: Like, no. That's a serious question! Why do you want the human race to, like, survive whatever? The destruction of Earth? Why is that important to you?
Maddox: Because that's our purpose, Dick! It's encoded in our genetics to be able to reproduce and to colonize the world! Every animal on Earth reproduces! Even fucking bacteria and microbes reproduce! Don't you think that there's a reason for that?! Of course there is! It's because we're SUPPOSED to! And we're supposed to get off this planet!
Dick: Myeah.
Maddox: That's the next step.
Dick: So you're…so the same reason…that sounds like the same reason I brought in for families. Why it wasn't a problem. 'Cause you're genetically coded to do it.
Maddox: Families? (confused)
Dick: You're saying we're also genetically encoded to go into outer space.
Maddox: Yeah, absolutely. Families, though, are shitty.
Dick: Alright. Are you ready for my problem?
Maddox: No. What's your solution?
Dick: Are you ready for my solution? (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Soap.
Maddox: (cracks up) Garbage! You don't need soap in the Oculus Rift, buddy!
Dick: Uh, you guys are gonna need a LOT of soap, because you are gonna be some smelly motherfuckers with your bodies sitting in chairs all day and your brains off in Neptune or Tuscany.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Or whatever other things you think you are.
Maddox: Not…(sighs)
Sean: What about bedsores?
Dick: Yeah, you guys are gonna have bedsores, too. How about that?
Maddox: Sean, you and Dick have such small minds. You can't even see into the future, where we get rid of our bodies. We don't need bodies anymore. Just a brain in a jar, buddy.
Dick: I don't want that, either!!! I like having a body!
Maddox: That's…yeah, you can have a super body in the Oculus Rift! You can be Goro! That's what I'm gonna be. Goro! With four arms. I'm gonna be punching suckers left and right! It's gonna be amazing! I'm gonna break all the laws. It's gonna be awesome! I'm gonna rob a bank. I'm gonna be a criminal. It's gonna be FUCKING amazing. I'm gonna be flexing, like, all four of my arms like Goro. RRRRRRRRRRRR!! And then I'm gonna have a fucking Mortal Kombat championship where everyone dies. It's gonna be fucking great!
Dick: But won't it wear off, 'cause it's not real? Like, won't the thrill wear off immediately?
Maddox: Dick, there is no difference between perception and reality. That's what I'm telling you! Oculus Rift is the bridge between reality and virtual reality!
Dick: But I'm saying with your greater mind, you know, you.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: And your greater mind. Aren't you sitting there going, "Um, I don't really have four arms and I'm not really robbing a bank, so why do I care about this?"
Maddox: No, Dick. That's what I keep saying, the Oculus Rift is such a powerful experience. There is no difference between perception and reality! You don't feel like you're in a video game. You feel like you're in reality. That's what I keep saying. This is a different thing. We're on the next level, here.
Dick: Yeah, but it's like…it's like watching someone perform a magic trick! Like, yeah, I guess you made the lady disappear, but I know she didn't disappear. Like, I'm not like, "Oh my God! Where did that lady go?!!?" "Where did these tigers come from!?!?" I'm not, like, really feeling that, and that's just as lifelike as the Oculus Rift.
Maddox: Dick, this is not an illusion. This is taking over your ocular senses, your hearing senses. Your touch and taste senses. Everything is going to be replaced with an equal experience inside a virtual world, so that you cannot tell the difference between life and virtual life. There will be no difference.
Dick: Well. (scoffs) I won't be there. That's the difference.
Maddox: So. That's right. You'll be mining materials for my 3D printers.
Dick: Yeah. I'll be using soap. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Soap!! (laughing) So passé. Go on, tell me about your soap.
Dick: (laughs) You wanna know about soap?
Maddox: Human.
Dick: Uh, so…(Maddox and Sean crack up) I went on the CDC site to try to find, some, like, you know, stats for you?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: About soap.
(Sound clip: Dick: "I got a stats for you.")
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (grins) (Maddox chuckles) 'Cause it's…you know. It's very important. I…it's like…it stops diseases from spreading, right?! Like before they used this in hospitals, everyone died all the time!
Maddox: I'll give you that.
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So I went to the CDC, right? To see, like, surely they're gonna tell me exactly how many people die every year from, like, you know, filth, and not using soap, or whatever.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Here's what I found at the CDC. (grins) Uh, "When Should You Wash Your Hands?"
Maddox: All the time.
Dick: "Before eating food." Oh no, there's a list.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: This is what they have for soap.
Maddox: This is a real list.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: "Before eating food." "After using the toilet."
Maddox: (giggles) Okay. Is that it?
Dick: Oh, no, no! It's a huge list.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. These people made this list…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And put it on the Internet.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And they got paid. And they congratulated each other.
Maddox: Before eating food and after using the toilet.
Dick: "After touching garbage."
Maddox: (giggles) Okay. Fair. Those are fair points.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uh, Dick, this sounds like…
Dick: (interjects) Is this your…are these people gonna be in the Oculus Rift with you? People who need to be told when to wash their hands?
Maddox: No, no. They'll be mining materials for my 3D printers.
Dick: (cracks up) You got a big problem right there, then, buddy, 'cause these people are not gonna be able to mine materials correctly.
Maddox: Dick, that's the point. They're expendable. If they don't do a good job, pff! Put, like, one of those cow bolts right in the back of their neck! (laughs)
Dick: Who's gonna do that?
Maddox: The robots.
Dick: The robots!!!
Maddox: The robots that I'm programming with my six screens and four arms! (laughing)
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: It's gonna be a fucking terrible universe! I can predict the hellish future that I'm creating! But it's coming, buddy!
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause we'll just lock you in the closet. All your robots will break, 'cause they're all garbage and everything always just breaks.
Maddox: I make fixer robots. And guess what?! (Dick cracks up) I'll have a few…you have tiers of societies, right? You have the slave race, which is gonna be you and Sean mining materials…
Dick: Oh, my god.
Maddox: For my 3D printers. (Sean cracks up)
Dick: Oh. You're gonna need a bigger fuckin' robot if you think me and Sean are gonna be your slaves. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay? And then you have the second tier, which is like the supervisor race. They're a little bit smarter. (Sean cracks up)
Dick: Who? Who's the supervisor race? You? (laughing)
Maddox: Okay, maybe you and Sean. You guys are…you guys are pretty smart, right?
Sean: Middle management race.
Dick: Yeah, middle management race! That's us, Sean!
Maddox: For blaspheming the Oculus Rift…(Dick cracks up laughing) you don't get to use it! But, you can…
Sean: What are the HR robots?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: HR…no. (laughs) Sean, you don't need HR. Everything's virtual. Oh man, I can't wait, guys. And all I'm gonna eat is mush!
Dick: Who's above us?
Maddox: I'm above you.
Dick: Who's above me and Sean? Oh! Wow. There's only…
Maddox: The Oculus race.
Dick: There's only three levels to this? Man, Sean. We can get up to the top level like nothing in this corporation!
Maddox: No, no, no. Because there's gonna be power structure. Don't worry. Uh…I've got it all figured out. (Sean and Dick laugh) It's gonna be a brain core and the brain core is where all of humanity lives, it's just a bunch of…just rows and rows of brains with no bodies with just nutrients being fed into us and we're controlling all the robots, and then the supervisors…(Dick laughs) The supervisors go fix the robots that fall apart.
Dick: No! I don't wanna do any of this. (laughing)
Maddox: See, that's 'cause you're too smart. (Dick guffaws) I need someone who's smart, but not too smart. That way…basically, an office worker.
Dick: Maddox! This…
Maddox: (interjects) A modern office worker is just smart enough.
Dick: This utopia is fucked, like…
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: You're describing a nightmare!
Maddox: Hey, you know what, man? There's sweatshops. What's the different between sweatshops and this reality?! At least in this reality, people are just mining materials in good, clean jobs. It's good paying work. They don't have to create shoes for us. Anyway, so.
Dick: This is getting crazy. (Maddox laughs) You might be surprised to learn…so. I gave up on the CDC, right? 'Cause I know to wash my hands when they're covered in shit.
Maddox: Dick, that sounds like it was written for three-year-olds, though.
Dick: Yeah. Doesn't it?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's their…that's their site.
Maddox: Is it…does it have, like, crayons and stuff on it?
Dick: No. It was just a…the regular site.
Maddox: For adults.
Dick: This is when you should wash your hands.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: I dunno who it's for, but that's what it was.
Maddox: Well, probably for people Googling on "When to use Soap", to be fair. (laughing)
Dick: I Googled "Soap Statistics".
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: And it said this is what you gotta do to wash your hands.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: Yeah, what else do they…"After Touching an Animal or Animal Waste".
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: Or animal waste.
Maddox: Or animal waste. Sure.
Dick: So if you thought it was…that's okay, 'cause it just came out of the animal, you're incorrect. You still gotta go wash your hands. Okay.
Maddox: They have to specify.
Dick: So I found a legit site that wasn't run by the government.
Maddox: Okay. (giggles)
Dick: It's called globalsoap.org. (Maddox cracks up) Funny, but it's interesting.
Maddox: What are they selling, Dick?
Dick: They're not selling anything. It's an interesting thing that they do. So, hotels. Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: They throw away billions of soaps. A year.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, you go to a hotel. You maybe use it once, right? That bar of soap.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Then you chuck it.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: They're not gonna give it to somebody else, it's got pubes all over it.
Maddox: It's gross, yeah.
Dick: Right?
Maddox: Right. It's got pubes and chlamydia.
Dick: Right, Sean?
Maddox: Why are you saying "Right, Sean?"
Dick: You can't…'cause he's laughing.
Maddox: Oh. Have you used Dick's shower before, Sean?
Dick: Yeah, we used to share a shower.
Maddox: Gross. Oh yeah, you guys were roommates a long time ago, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay. So they throw all this soap away.
Dick: So you might be surprised to learn…I'm reading this off their site. That the leading causes of death for children in developing countries are hygiene-related illnesses that take 1.7 lives every year.
Maddox: Well, you may be surprised to learn…
Dick: I was surprised to learn that!
Maddox: Really?
Dick: Yeah!
Sean: Wait, every year?!
Dick: Uh…yeah.
Maddox: 1.7?
Dick: Almost 2 million kids a year die 'cause they don't have soap.
Sean: Oh, I thought you said 1.7 kids.
Dick: No, 1.7 million.
Maddox: 1.7 million.
Sean: Okay.
Dick: 2 million kids.
Sean: That's a lot of kids.
Dick: That's a lot of kids!
Maddox: Is that globally?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I dunno, man. What are these…what are these kids' personalities like?
Dick: Um, they're all big fans of your website, it says.
Maddox: (laughing) That's a big problem!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: We need to save 'em.
Dick: And they don't have any T-shirts, so they really need T-shirts.
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: And they love you.
Maddox: Hey, spreadshirt.com...http://www.maddoxstore.spreadshirt.com! (laughing)
Dick: It's one third of all child deaths.
Maddox: No, get outta here! A third?! (incredulous)
Dick: That's what this globalsoap.org says!!! And they've got better stats than the CDC, apparently, about soap!
Maddox: I bet their stats are coming from the CDC.
Dick: I dunno. Uh, handwashing with soap is the single most effective way to prevent those deaths. So what they do is they take all the old hotel soap, and they, like, squish it and recycle it into new soap.
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: For kids.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't have a problem with that. That's a good idea.
Dick: I should hope you don't have a problem with it!
Maddox: Yeah, use soap…
Dick: I'm saying it's a solution!
Maddox: Well, okay. I agree, that is a solution to that problem. If you think that kids dying is a problem.
Dick: (scoffs) Of course.
Maddox: But soap, with soap being mashed together. Some people are really weird about soap. They won't use soap other people have used. Here's the thing. It's soap. So when your hands are dirty, you use soap to wash it. So soap should always be clean, right? But I don't think that's always the case because you know those bars of soap? Sometimes, bacteria can grow on bars of soap. But I don't think it's AS bad…
Dick: I mean, you can just give it a lather up, then it's fine.
Maddox: Yeah, you just lather it up. I don't see what the problem is. Everyone's so finicky about soap.
Dick: What do you mean, everyone is…people don't use other peoples' soap? Is that a real thing??! (incredulous)
Maddox: No. People are really weird about soap.
Dick: Even if there's no hair on it or anything?
Maddox: Uh, yeah. You know that Dave Chappelle episode. He kinda jokes about it with his writer. What's his name? Neil Brennan. His writer on the show? I think during one episode he turns to him and goes, "Hey, did you know white people don't use loofahs?" It was during a sketch. And it's because people are really weird about their soap. They want you to use a loofah so that the soap never touches your body. But it's soap!
Dick: The loofah would be grosser, I think!
Maddox: Yeah, I would think.
Dick: Because it's plastic that's been on them.
Maddox: Yeah, and it's just a big sponge.
Dick: Instead of just your hands.
Maddox: Yeah, but everybody has their own loofah. So they're saying you shouldn't ever use the soap on your body and then multiple people use it. But I don't see a problem with that.
Dick: No, of course not. That's insane.
Maddox: Yeah. That's insane.
Dick: Uh, anyway.
Maddox: I also heard that soap doesn't kill bacteria. I haven't checked this, but I heard that soap, if it's not antibacterial, it doesn't kill bacteria, it simply rinses it away. Is that true? Did you find out anything about that?
Dick: No. Because I'm dealing with crayon websites over here. Like the CDC telling me to wash my hands after I've played with dog shit.
Maddox: Ahhh, hands. (sighs) (giggles)
Dick: Right? (Sean laughs) Wash your hands after you touch animal waste.
Sean: It's the new Play-Doh, to be fair.
Dick: Oh, God. So, um. Lemme see here.
Maddox: Hands are so irrelevant in my future. (Sean chuckles)
Dick: "An estimated 2.6 million bars of soap are discarded every day from hotels in the US. A third of the world's soap is used in the US." How about that?
Maddox: So what are these guys looking for. Donations?
Dick: Soap. They're just grabbing garbage soap, man.
Maddox: And is this legitimate? I mean, you know what, Dick? If this is a legitimate organization, they're actually sending soap to places in the world that need it, we could link to it on our website. We could give 'em a plug. Why not?
Dick: Oh I don't…yeah. I don't know if they give a shit about that, but that's…
Maddox: Of course they do. They're a charity. They're looking for soap? I'll send them some fucking soap.
Dick: Well, that's what they're doing. That's what's going on with the soap. Uh, I also brought in a guy called "Ignaz Philip Semelweiss". Have you ever heard of this guy?
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: Have you really?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Because somebody told me this story, and I found the story fascinating, and I don't remember who it was, which is weird. It might have been my dad or it might have been my life coach. (Maddox chuckles) So this is what happened with this guy, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I'll summarize it, 'cause I don't wanna read this whole thing. Somewhere in the…in 1846, alright? In Vienna.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: There's two delivery hospitals. For having a baby.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: One staffed by midwives and the other one staffed by, like, student surgeons, basically. So surgeons.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: The other one midwives. The number of deaths from puerperal fever, which is some kind of, like, birthing fever, right?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: The number of deaths of mothers in the surgeon hospital was, like, 12%.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: A TON of people dying from that. A ton of mothers dying from that. The percentage in the midwife hospital. 2%.
Maddox: Huh. What was the difference? The midwives used soap?
Dick: No, the surgeons were doing gross stuff in bodies and then going to deliver babies. They were, like, performing autopsies…
Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhhhh.
Dick: And, like, playing with a bunch of shit and internal organs, and then going, "Well, let's get that baby outta there!." Waaaaaah. Fever.
Maddox: This is…when did this happen? What era?
Dick: 1846.
Maddox: Oh, 1846.
Dick: So, this guy. This guy says, "Hey, wash your hands, shitheads."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Right? This poor bastard. He gets laughed out of medicine. Like, literally. (Maddox chuckles) Writes papers on it. People turn his life into a mockery. He ends up in an insane asylum where he's beaten to death. (Maddox cracks up) He dedicates the rest of his life to try to get surgeons to WASH THEIR FUCKING HANDS!! And he ends up in an insane asylum getting beat to death at, like, 46 or something. Like something absurd.
Maddox: You know, people always like to jump down religion's neck for killing, like, scientists, like Gallileo. Was this a religious initiative that killed this guy?
Dick: No! (laughing)
Maddox: No, it's just a bunch of people who are like, "We don't like change."
Dick: "We don't like washing our hands!" (laughs)
Maddox: You know, Dick, it sounds like…I wish I had a harp sound effect right now, but it sounds a lot like, I don't know, 20 minutes ago when I was telling you guys about the Oculus Rift (Dick cracks up) And you guys were LAUGHING at me!! LAUGHING!!! Well, I'll be laughing, buddy. You won't hear it, 'cause it'll be virtual.
Dick: Do you realize that your version of paradise is indistinguishable from insanity?
Maddox: What are you talking about?
Dick: Like, if you were to just go insane and start seeing this virtual world you're talking about?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You would not be able to tell the difference.
Maddox: Dick…
Dick: (interjects) You could just do that.
Maddox: Who's to say we're not already. I know this is, like, Philosophy 101 stuff…
Dick: Oh, it's not even that high. Don't compliment yourself. (Maddox guffaws)
Maddox: I know. You know, people philosophize about this. But we are there, man. Anyway, um. Yeah, I don't wanna keep bringing it back to the Oculus Rift. But it is going to change everything. Uh, yeah. That's fascinating. What's that guy's name?
Dick: Ignaz.
Maddox: Ignaz?
Dick: Ignaz Semelweiss. That's probably why they were making fun of him. He has a stupid name.
Maddox: Stupid, stupid name. He can be a commenter on our website.
Dick: Yeah. You know what else soap fixes? BO.
Maddox: That's fuckin' true!!!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I'll give you that. Alright, Dick.
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Now I'm on board.
Dick: Or else everyone in the world, all the time, would stink. Without soap.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You ever been stuck in a car with somebody that made your eyes water, where you couldn't breathe?
Sean: You ever been to France?
Maddox: (laughs) You know, Sean, I've been to France, and that's a stereotype. I didn't experience a lot of smelly people.
Sean: In August. In the subway?
Maddox: No. Uhh, don't most people leave in France in August because there's a big national holiday, a lot of people just, like, fucking take the month off? In France?
Sean: Well, a lot of 'em go for, like, a month or six weeks.
Dick: Well, this does say a third of the world's soap is used in the US. So…if there's anything that ever says we don't stink as much over here, it's that stat.
Maddox: You know, Dick, there should be a caveat for that. Because it should be real soap. And not this fucking natural soap that hippies use, because that shit never fucking works.
Dick: What do you mean? (grins) Oh, yeah.
Maddox: You know, it's like beeswax and fuckin' pollen, and filler, and flowers, and all this other bullshit. And it never works! It just…they just smell, like, muskier than before.
Dick: You know, I don't know if that's true. 'Cause I made soap for a little bit. (Maddox scoffs) After, like, Fight Club came out and I was one of those losers that's like, "Yeah, I'm gonna do that now." 'Cause it looked fun!
Maddox: Did you kiss your hand and give yourself a lye scar?
Dick: No. I didn't do that.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: Um, part of making it…there's, like, an ingredient that you add in just to make it foam up. You know?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That, like, seeing it work…that psychological effect of seeing the soap actually work.
Maddox: It's surprisingly easy to make soap. It's just a fat, any kind of fat, essentially, and then, what, lye, and that'll make soap. Or they use…instead of lye, too, you can use bile combined with olive oil, that's your fat, and then some kind of acid, I think, will make soap as well. I learned that because when I brought in the juice cleanse as a problem, you know, a couple episodes back? I learned that people who were doing this juice cleanse were creating soap inside their bodies and they were excreting it thinking that those were toxins. Those aren't toxins, you're just secreting soap.
Dick: Is that true? They're really shitting out soap? I remember you saying that.
Maddox: Yeah. You can make soap. You can make soap with your own bile if you ingest large enough amounts of olive oil and lemon, I believe. You know, from one of these stupid cleanses.
Dick: Well, um. You want a bunch of stinky people? It sounds like your biggest solution IS a bunch of stinky people. Like, a future of people who stink and are sitting in fake movie theaters by themselves.
Maddox: Won't have bodies to smell, Dick. It'll just be brains.
Dick: Like what…do they just cram corks up your nose, then, when you're sitting on the Oculus Rift? How do they shut the rest of you down?
Maddox: You won't need a nose, Dick. All you need is a brain. That's all you need is your CPU. It's an interface. That's it. You don't need a nose. You don't need eyes. You don't need a body! I'm telling you. Bodies are irrelevant.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Anyway. Do you wanna do more? I mean, we're outta time, but do you wanna do?
Maddox: Yeah. Let's…let's bust these out real quick, cause…
Dick: Alright. Go ahead.
Maddox: This one…now that I've created this new futurescape where Oculus Rift rules us all. Right? (Dick giggles) I dunno how much more relevant this is going to be, but, Addresses. That's my biggest solution in the universe. Addresses.
Dick: Okay. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. You know, Dick, where would you be without an address?
Dick: You'd be in Mexico.
Maddox: You'd be nowhere, that's where.
Dick: Yeah. Where you just have to, like, describe the house.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Did you know what?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Um, I once had a fan try to order a shirt from Kuwait. And he was…he was over there…I think he was in some reconnaissance type of position. I don't remember what exactly it was, but he was stationed in Kuwait and he said, "Look, my address is really weird. It's about a sentence long and it's all just one sentence." And it's literally…he sent it to me and he said, "Do you think we can mail a shirt to this address?" and I said, "I dunno man, we'll try. If you're okay with the risk of it getting lost, then let's go for it." (Dick laughs) And it was something like…the first word was Kuwait, comma, and then the precinct. And then it said "Building # 9, fourth door down, hallway 2, and the red door." And that was the address.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And so I put this on the package thinking, "Okay, goodbye. I'll never see this shirt again." And then a month later, he emailed me, he said, "Hey Maddox. Got the shirt." Unbelievable.
Dick: I…I always said…whenever I send postcards back to the US, like when I'm travelling? I don't know anybody's address, 'cause, you know. Why would I have that information? So I pretty much do that. Like, I'll write their name.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And then the town that they're in.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And kind of, like, things that they're by, like oh, by a Gelson's. Like, in Hollywood. Like, I hope it gets there. And they always end up there.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Everyone's always shocked that they get these weird postcards from the 1700s.
Maddox: To the credit of the Postal Service. They're really good at tracking people down and delivering the mail where it's supposed to go. They don't appreciate it and they won't always do it; however, it's an unspoken rule that if you write down mail and there's enough information on that envelope for it to get to its destination, they're supposed to deliver it, no matter what. Even if it's not the standard format of an address.
Dick: Ohhh.
Maddox: We kinda take for granted the standard format of an address. But it was…it's a relatively recent invention.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. The standard address. I have this from Wikipedia. It says, "In most English-speaking countries, the standard is an alternating number scheme, progressing in one direction along the street, with odd numbers on one side, usually the left, and even numbers on the other side, usually the right."
Dick: Wait, even numbers on the right of the street?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: How the fuck is there a right of a street?
Maddox: So if you're heading…it's usually the north or east, right-hand side, leading away from the main road. So if you're coming off the main road and you're heading north, the right-hand side will be even numbered.
Dick: Oh, okay. So whatever way you're driving.
Maddox: No. If you're heading north. So if you're facing north.
Dick: What? Okay.
Maddox: The right-hand side? So the east side is going to be even numbered.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: And that's pretty much universal in most English-speaking countries.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And then addresses in…I believe Hong Kong, are pretty standard. France is pretty standard. The UK is easy to send stuff to.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uh, it starts to become a pain in the ass to Greece and where else? I've had packages returned from Greece, and Lithuania a few times. But yeah. Addresses we kinda take for granted. But the address system is really clever and you can tell a lot about somebody just from a zip code.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. What?
Dick: Would you like to…explain that? Like whether they're poor or not? Or what?
Maddox: I'll give you…YES, actually!
Dick: Whether they're assholes? (grins)
Maddox: So, one time I got an email from this guy who was being a real big prick and he started bragging about how rich he was, he goes, "Oh, I could buy your website. I have three yachts." And I thought, "This guys sounds like he's full of shit." So I looked up his IP address. And his IP address resolved to his zip code. I found his zip code and I found the town that he lived in.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And it was a very small zip code and it was part of a city inside a state that had a very affluent neighborhood. And he lived in that neighborhood. So I plugged that into City Data and I looked up the average person who lived there, and their average income was over 120,000$. Mostly upper class, white, surgeons, lawyers, and dentists.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And I thought, "Wow, this guy might actually…"
Dick: (interjects) It ain't quite yacht money, but, I mean…three yacht money, but…
Maddox: Well that's the average, is 120,000$. In this neighborhood.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: So I thought, "You know, this guy's probably telling the truth. He's a real piece of shit, but he's probably telling the truth." But I found out a lot of information just based on that guy's IP address. And you know what? I could probably find out the exact street and house number if I looked deep enough. If I really got a…just one more bit of information.
Dick: Is this the kind of stuff that the master race does on the Oculus Rift?
Maddox: You know, don't worry about what we're doing in our Oculus Rift, buddy. You just keep mining.
Dick: (grins) Looking up assholes' houses?
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, um. Here's something useful that without addresses, we couldn't do. Get food delivered. Huh?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Pizzas? That's what I'm doing right after the show. I'm ordering a fucking pizza. I'm hungry.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And then what about pedophiles? Remember I brought that in as a big problem? Well, we have sexual offender registries where you can look up their addresses.
Dick: Mmmm.
Maddox: Isn't that a useful thing to know, Dick? Don't you wanna know if you're sitting next to a pedophile?
Dick: I just assume I always am. (Sean and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Have you ever looked up someone on a sexual offender…
Dick: (interjects) Dude, I…I did and it kinda creeped me out. Like, they have a site where you can go…plus, I live in the middle of Hollywood, so it's like the most crime-ridden part of, like…
Maddox: It's awful. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Like within 10 miles, all the crime happens right where I live. And it's…seeing the mugshots of these dudes was unsettling for me.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, not because of the danger, 'cause, like, I'm…you know. I'm not a kid. Um, but just, like, the look in their eyes, knowing that these guys are, like, living so close to me? I did it a couple times and it was a mistake every time and I vowed not to do it again.
Maddox: Yeah, it creeps me out. Especially when I see the ones…look, a lot of people are on the sexual offender registry and I think they shouldn't be. I think a lot of people who have committed so-called "sex crimes" shouldn't be on there. Because they consider exposure as a sex crime.
Dick: Oh, like peeing in the street and stuff?
Maddox: Yeah, if you pee in the street sometimes, or if you expose yourself to somebody, like, if you flash somebody?
Dick: Oh, alright. Ehhh. Okay.
Maddox: Oh, it's a totally different offense if a guy does it versus a girl.
Dick: Well, yeah.
Maddox: If a girl flashes her tits, uh, everyone's celebrating and throwing beads around her neck. If a guy takes his dong out, like, five people are calling the police and you're getting beat.
Dick: I don't…do you disagree with that?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: You think you should just have, like, dong license around the city? Like, carte blanche to wiggle your schlong around?
Maddox: Yes, I absolutely think…I think the more nudity we have in society, the better. Because it makes it more mundane and the people will stop freaking out every time they see a penis or a vagina.
Dick: I don't think that's gonna happen! It's…it's threatening! It's a threatening thing!
Maddox: What's threatening about a penis? I mean, if it's you're about to get bludgeoned with it, but so what? Some guy's got a boner, so what? Boners are awesome!
Dick: Alright. You wanna see more dicks on the street, I guess. (giggles)
Maddox: No, I don't. I don't want to see more dicks, but I don't think it should be a crime. Look, if you're threatening someone…if you just take your dick out…I'm just hanging out here with my dick out. What's the problem?
Dick: Well, that your dick is out. (Maddox cracks up) That's the problem.
Maddox: Why?
Dick: What's your dick doing out? Put it away.
Maddox: It's just breathing a little bit. Don't worry about my dick!
Dick: No, I got a dick. It doesn't need to breathe. That's not what the hole's for.
Maddox: Oh, says Manspreading Dick Masterson! A couple episodes ago. Saying Manspreading was a problem!
Dick: No, I wanna keep my pants on while I'm sitting comfortable. I don't need my balls wobbling around all over the place.
Maddox: Yeah, why don't you go to Saudi Arabia, buddy? (Dick giggles) Sounds like some backwards thinking! If I wanna take my dick out, I shouldn't be on a sexual offender database. If I'm threatening someone with it or making lewd remarks or gesturing towards them, sure. But a dick is just like any other body part.
Dick: No, it isn't! It's a dick!
Maddox: (laughing) What are you talking about?!
Dick: It's a…private part. That's what makes it different from the rest of the body. What are you talking about?!
Maddox: I understand that, Dick, but I'm trying to remove the word "private" from the part. So it's just a part.
Dick: Yeah, but you fuck with it. That's why it's lewd to have…that's why it's obscene to just have out.
Maddox: Some people fuck with their fists.
Dick: (scoffs) I guess.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You got me there!
Maddox: Yep.
Dick: Solid logic!
Maddox: Yep.
Dick: In the age of logic!
Maddox: What about…what about fingerblasting? Should we wear gloves in public?
Dick: No, but you can't be out there fingerblasting in public, can you? Is that okay?!? Do you wanna see that on the street?!
Maddox: No!!! I'm not saying we should go around fingerblasting everyone!!!!
Dick: What's the difference? (sighs)
Maddox: The difference is, Dick, that if I just have my dick out and I'm not doing anything, then mind your own business! It's my dick, it's my property!!
Dick: What if it's erect?
Maddox: Well, okay. Depends on if…if you're erect and you're pointing towards somebody, or if you're just erect…you're sitting there on a bus and it happens, like, what can you do? Yeah, I got a boner. Sorry. Don't look at it. Don't sit on it. Don't look at it. Don't put your mouth on it. If it offends you, don't touch it! But if I get it erect and I'm like, you know, chasing someone down, or I'm, like, gesturing towards them, that's creepy!
Dick: Yeah. Like at the Pirates of the Caribbean ride!? (Sean laughs)
Maddox: What are you talkin' about?
Dick: The guys…the pirates who chase the fat women around in circles.
Maddox: Yeah, but they didn't have erections, did they?
Dick: They were wearing clothes, but I assume they were DTF.
Maddox: Yeah, but I mean, pirates are always DTF.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You know, Dick, if you're not doing anything offensive or vulgar or obscene, if you're not threatening anyone with it. If you're not making any gestures toward anyone with it…sure. Why not? Take your dick out.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Anyway, um. Addresses. That's my biggest solution in the universe.
Dick: Okay. (guffaws)
Maddox: You couldn't get packages delivered! People take addressed for granted, and I think it's high time people upvoted Addresses just below Oculus Rift for the biggest solution in the universe.
Dick: I agree that it should be right below Oculus Rift. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That's a loaded statement.
Dick: Here's my solution. Um, Anonymous Comments. We don't have enough time for this Anonymous Comments, but here's…here's my point with anonymous comments, alright? Everyone hates on them. Everyone hates them. Right? They're vile. They're horrible. They're disgusting.
Maddox: I think there's a place for 'em, but yeah, go on.
Dick: Yeah, but I think there's…I think there's creativity in them. I like them because I know where I stand, as I've mentioned on the free episode. I think they're…I think people are free to speak their minds more when they're completely obvious. And I found this interesting study that these guys did, where they measured a group of students who were learning anonymously, like, over the Internet, you know?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Versus face to face in a lab. And they found that creativity and risk taking increased when they were anonymous. When they don't have to sit there and embarrass themselves by saying something stupid. When it's just like, "Oh, I'm just an anonymous guy. Yeah, I'll ask…I'll say whatever I want. I'll ask whatever I want."
Maddox: Ohh, that's interesting, Dick.
Dick: Yeah. That's what I'm saying.
Maddox: Well, this could potentially increase the amount of participation that women have in classrooms, because there's this argument that women are more timid in classrooms, because they don't want to speak up, or so on. If they were anonymous, if everyone was anonymous and able to comment how they wanted to, they may participate more.
Dick: Yeah. And I was thinking, like, what if when people were writing letters? Like, people have to be just as big of assholes on letter writing as they are with anonymous commenting. Like, there has to be a scale. Person to person, least amount of asshole. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause you could get punched.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Yeah! And you are aware that you are you, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Right.
Dick: Very bottom of that. Totally anonymous tweet from Mike Penisberg, like @Mikepenisberg, saying whatever you want on the Internet, right?
Maddox: Right. Right.
Dick: There's gotta be like, letters in there. Like, in the 1800's, where they're like trolls, like, letter trolls, where they would go around town, like hammering anonymous posts on the wall?
Maddox: Sure!
Dick: You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Yeah, of course.
Dick: Yeah. Well, that's my point on Anonymous Comments. There's creativity in it. I think it's interesting.
Maddox: Okay, well, you're not addressing the big problem here with the anonymity, which is the assholes. How do you…how do you…
Dick: (interjects) You know what I think about that? I think to survive as a modern person, you have to be able to take those assholes. Like, I think it's a way to make you smarter. You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: Mmmm. (skeptical)
Dick: Because your gut reaction when you're a kid or if you're immature is to immediately be offended by everything.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: What are you doing? Oh, you're fucking doing something. Yeah. There's a big middle finger?
Maddox: I drew a big middle finger for Dick.
Dick: Is that an anonymous thing that you're doing?
Maddox: (laughing) Well, I'm holding it.
Dick: Anonymous comment thing?
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know where it came from.
Dick: No, I think it's a way to make you smarter. Like, you can see how people think, what they are.
Maddox: Yeah…(sighs)
Dick: It trains you to rise above it.
Maddox: Here's what I like about anonymity. Is that Facebook has caused everybody to do one of two things. First of all, to look for validation constantly.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: They don't want to post anything that doesn't get a lot of likes. They don't wanna post anything that's not popular. And the second thing is that it has caused self-censorship. Remember my website, I said I would never have ads on my website because I don't want self-censorship.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: But a couple episodes ago, we had Casper as a client, right?
Dick: Yep.
Maddox: And they advertised on our episode, and then literally, the episode right after the Casper one, I shat all over people who love to sleep. (laughs)
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: I said people who love to sleep too much is a big problem.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: There was that moment…
Dick: (interjects) Which was nothing to do with beds.
Maddox: Of course not. And the Casper mattress one, by the way, is super comfortable. I cannot stress that enough. I've had such good sleep in that thing. But, um, there was that moment of hesitation where I thought, "Well, this is hitting kinda close to home with the client." And that's why I don't have advertisements on my website, is so I have a platform to say what I want. Facebook has caused us to censor ourselves, because we know that our friends and our family, and our colleagues are reading what we're saying. Without anonymity, I think that we wouldn't have true, free, expression.
Dick: Yeah. I totally agree with that.
Maddox: Wow. I just…
Dick: (interjects) You take bigger risks.
Maddox: I just made a big case for your solution.
Dick: There you go. So, I'm done. Your honor. The prosecution rests.
Maddox: Alright, Dick.
Dick: Alright, what were your solutions? (grins)
Maddox: My solutions were the Oculus Rift.
Dick: (laughing) Oculus Rift Dystopia. (Maddox laughs) The stinky Oculus Rift future.
Maddox: No bodies, buddy. I'm just a mind in a jar! I don't give a shit! Say what you want!
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but that's not what the Oculus Rift is! It's not a mind in a jar! It's just…goofy goggles that have a computer on them.
Maddox: You have no idea, my friend. (Dick giggles) You know, if I was in the Oculus Rift right now? Poof! You'd be gone. It'd be a whole new podcast, new audience! I don't have to listen to any criticism! See ya! I'm GORO!!! Oh, man. I'm gonna kill everybody! It's gonna be amazing. I can't wait. And Addresses.
Dick: And Addresses.
Maddox: What are your solutions?
Dick: My solutions are Soap and Anonymous Comments.
Maddox: Uh, good solutions this week.
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: Guys, don't forget to vote on these. http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. We have a lot more coming. Thanks for supporting the show!