Biggest Solution in the Universe - Episode 02
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
(Heavy metal theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Solution In The Universe! I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson…
Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy? How's it going?
Maddox: Welcome back to another bonus episode! You guys, thanks for supporting this show.
Dick: Thank you, guys.
Maddox: The bonus episode, the response has been overwhelming. You guys loved it, and, you know, if you really like the show, tell a friend, spread the word, buy this for your friends, buy this for your enemies, buy this for maybe have never even heard anything before and they're gonna get that expensive surgery to hear for the first time? Let this be the first thing they hear.
Dick: Yeah. No, those inspiring videos with the cochlear implants on YouTube…
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: This should be…that intro song is the first thing that you want to hear when you get the gift of hearing for the first time.
Maddox: Agreed.
Dick: I mean, whether your friends hate podcasts or love them, I feel like this is an appropriate gift.
Maddox: Right. Yeah. So, Dick. We have solutions to talk about for the first time. The winner of the solutions. I guess…and I'm using only your phrasing of this. I don't think that it's a contest. It's never been a contest!
Dick: Fine. Okay. (giggles)
Maddox: Okay?
Dick: Well who won?
Maddox: I'm not just saying that.
Dick: Who won? (grinning) We had good solutions.
Maddox: Nobody won, 'cause it's not a contest! It doesn't make sense to say it's a contest.
Dick: Okay. Who got more points than the other points.
Maddox: The most votes got Nuclear Power. (Dick cracks up)
(Song starts to play, electric guitar/drums, singer sings "Maddox LOST!" "Maddox LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "'Cause his problems fucking sucked!" (Maddox: Ohhh, boy.) (Dick: Fuckin' sucked!) "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Maddox." "LOST!" "Diiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick is the winner!" song ends)
(throughout the song playing)
Maddox: Hey. (Dick cackles maniacally) Fucking bullshit. You suck. Fucking asshole.
Dick: Yeahahahah!!! Your solutions sucked!
Maddox: Fuck youuuuuu, Masterson!!!!!!
(song ends)
Dick: Ohhhh, man. Ohhhhh, yeah.
Maddox: Piece of shit. Fuckin' asshole.
Dick: I thought I lost. Really, I won, with Nuclear Power?
Maddox: You didn't win, you got more votes. Your solution got more votes. Big deal.
Dick: Wow.
Maddox: Great.
Dick: Uh, I got eaten up on the comments on that one, too.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Everybody said I should have done more research
Maddox: Yes, you should have.
Dick: And I sounded stupid.
Maddox: You should have, Dick, because nuclear fusion is potentially a solution, not nuclear fission, and then, uh…
Dick: Wait, wait, wait, wait. What?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What's your problem with my solution?
Maddox: Your solution was…
Dick: Nuclear Power.
Maddox: No, nuclear fusion.
Dick: I didn't say nuclear fusion! I said nuclear power.
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, but…
Dick: Whatever you got, I'll take. That's the solution.
Maddox: But then you…(laughs)…but then you spent 35 minutes talking about nuclear fusion! Er, fission.
Dick: That's a great…that's all I had time for! I had 15 minutes, man.
Maddox: Right. Oh, yeah, yeah. (chuckles sarcastically) Except you went on for 35. (Dick laughs) Then came "Kicking Ass". "Kicking Ass" was neck and neck for a long time.
Dick: Really?! (laughing) Neck and neck with what?
Maddox: Yeah, it was. With your "Nuclear Horseshit".
Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: And then, came "Meat", with 666 votes.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. Mark of the Beast, baby.
Dick: Pretty good, yeah.
Maddox: And then your BULLSHIT "Surge Pricing". (Dick sighs) Got trounced in the voting.
Dick: Yeah. I saw that. I went pretty far in the rant on that one.
Maddox: Yeah. You did.
Dick: I got some comments for you. Tim Johns of Farmdale says, "The highlight of this episode for me is when Maddox told the story of his father pulling the shirt over the 22-year-old guy's head and pounding the shit out of him."
Maddox: Yeah, that was pretty cool.
Dick: That was a pretty good moment. Uhhh…speaking of things that I screwed up on. That hot sauce challenge, big loss.
Maddox: (laughing) Yeaah, buddy! It was so funny, man. You BLEW it on that.
Dick: Yeah. Well, Serena Cocina says, "It sounded like Maddox's hot sauce finally sent Dick into puberty. Congrats to both of you."
Maddox: I got a comment from Michael Angelo Gedek, he says, "Surge Pricing was the "leaving your fly open" of solutions." (chuckles)
Dick: Okay. What was that guy's name?
Maddox: Uh, Michael Angelo Gedek.
Dick: Fuck you, Michael. Uh, here's one from Inerrant Hats. I don't think that's a real name. "Gotta say, I'm with Dick here. Fear of Nuclear energy is the ebola alarmism of the energy world. " He goes on to say, check this out, that "Ash released from a coal plant during normal operations is 100 times more radioactive than a nuclear power plant."
Maddox: Well. (stammers)
Dick: No, no, no. Lemme explain it. 'Cause I read the article that he linked to.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's a Scientific American article, first of all. So it's not, like, my usual articles that I bring in…(grinning) from, I dunno.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: "A modern…" So, coal has trace amounts of radioactive materials in it, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Everything dose.
Dick: But when we're burning so much of it, the amount of radioactive ash in the air is 100 times more than the byproducts of a nuclear power plant.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, yeah, but, but…the byproducts of the nuclear power plant isn't what alarmists are worried about. They're worried about the meltdown. (chuckles) That's not a byproduct. That just destroys the environment and the state…and the city, potentially. Well, the city potentially for sure, but not the state. But that's what people are actually worried about, not the fallout.
Dick: Okay. That sounds alarmist to me. Sean Coral also sent me an email about an actual nuclear-powered cargo ship. You remember, I said that would solve the car pollution?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. He said that the Navy has one, the Savannah. That was pretty cool. And that the Westinghouse Nuclear Power Plant, the AP1000, is meltdown-proof. So, thank you Sean Corral.
Maddox: Meltdown-proof?
Dick: Meltdown-proof, dude. He said it in an email. You know it's true. (grinning, sarcastic)
Maddox: (chuckles) Okay, great. Yeah, real meltdown-proof. Uh, I got a number of people in the comments commenting about how now that we're doing the Biggest Solution, (giggles) Jericho Slade says, "The final solution: find out next time." So he said essentially, we're trying to find the final solution here.
Dick: Oh, that's what we're looking for?
Maddox: (laughing) I guess.
Dick: Oh, boy. Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. (still laughing)
Dick: I got a fun comment for you.
Maddox: Great.
Dick: It's from Kevin Ward. And he says…we've talked about Dark Souls on this podcast before.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "Dark Souls left me with extremely high expectations for all video games and has tainted the enjoyment of every RPG since. I really want to know how Maddox plays Dark Souls II." Uh, I'll tell you how he plays Dark Souls II. (Maddox chuckles) First of all, he spends 45 minutes in the inventory. I don't know what he's doing. He's just shifting it around.
Maddox: Right, that's what you DO in the game, Dick! It's all inventory shuffling! That's what you do!
Dick: (laughs) And then a little message pops up saying somebody wants to fight and he immediately gets killed by, like, a red guy.
Maddox: Fuck you! That's fucking bullshit! (yelling) (Dick laughing) Dick, that is slander! I will sue you! (Dick cracks up) I will sue you in court. You better check your inbox for a letter from my lawyer, buddy! (angry) Cease and desist!
Dick: Ahhh. That's what I heard.
Maddox: Yeah, fuck you. That's bullshit, man! Uh, so, look guys. Dark Souls II, first of all, is not an RPG. I don't consider it an RPG. It's action-RPG if anything. Uh, you just go around with giant fucking swords and the game is brutally difficult. It turns away so many people because they can't even get past the first level, or in some cases, not even past the first enemy. I dated someone one time, couldn't even PASS the first guy. The first enemy in the game. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Man, I'm sorry. You dated someone who couldn't even pass the first level in the game?! (laughing, incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah. So we broke up.
Dick: You make these girls play video games?!
Maddox: Yeah!! No, I let them. I don't make them.
Dick: Oh, okay. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I got one from Oliver Elmedy. "I guess I should be thanking Dick for surge pricing this show into existence." Eh. Ironic that Surge Pricing got its ass kicked on the Solutions list, when this very episode is kind of a surge price.
Maddox: Okay, Dick. It's not. First of all, there's no surge. It's not a surge. Look, there's a difference between Surge Pricing and pricing. What we're doing is just pricing. Surge pricing is when there is an excess demand for something and you increase the price for it.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Anyway, yeah.
Dick: Okay. I got…I got some voice mail.
Maddox: Great.
Dick: You wanna hear some?
Maddox: No. (laughing) Let's hear it.
Dick: I think you'll like this one.
Maddox: Alright.
(Voice mail: "Hey, this is the guy who called in and thought Dick was 2004 Maddox. Dick, I'm sorry that I thought you were 2004 Maddox." (Dick: Apology accepted.) "Maddox, this part's kinda for you. And I know you like to hear stuff from the young viewers. (Maddox: No.) So, he's not entirely allowed to cuss, but he has a message for Dick. (little kid's voice: "Eff word you, Dick!")
Dick: Eff word you, Dick. Is what he said.
Maddox: Ohhh, lame, dude! That does sound like your fan! (Dick laughs) A big pussy.
Dick: I'm pretty sure he hates me.
Maddox: Yeah.
(Voice mail: "Hey, this is Jane Washington and, oh, oh. And Maddox, you…like, 20 episodes ago, it was like, in the early days of the podcast, you said that you used to make your own porn using Mario Paint… (Maddox: Yeah.) that you would recreate one of these pictures and post it on the site. (Maddox: It's great. Sure.) You haven't done that. (Maddox: Well. (bored) And you should. (Maddox: No.) Because I'm not going to be self fulfilled until I see Mario and Luigi DPing some chick in a picture Maddox made. ( Dick: Yeah.) Which uh…yeah.)
Maddox: Gross, dude. Listen. There's nothing I want to do less in my life than to give you a boner. (Dick cracks up) I can't think of a single thing I would rather do less than to give that man an erection.
Dick: (laughing) Ohh.
Maddox: And I will not. I will not, I repeat, post that shit on the website just because he wants to get off to it. No way. No fucking way.
Dick: Okay. That's fair. That's a fair explanation.
Maddox: Yeah. Is that all you got for voice mail?
Dick: Yeah, that's the voice mails I got.
Maddox: Well Dick, I have a voice mail from a listener. His name's Angelo.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: And it's not actually a voice mail, it's a video that he recorded, so Angelo records these videos of his mom. And some of them have gone really viral on the Internet. He…she even did a video with Tim and Eric from the Tim and Eric Show.
Dick: Oh, wow.
Maddox: Right? Yeah!
Dick: What did she do with Tim and Eric?
Maddox: She did a cooking contest. (guffaws) and definitely was not in on the bit, so she took it really seriously.
Dick: Okay. (laughing)
Maddox: And I think got offended. But she's the type of person…she gets offended pretty easily.
Dick: Oh, great. Alright.
Maddox: Well, I wouldn't say pretty easily, because she's a fan of my stuff, I think.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: But, Dick. Angelo played her the video of you on Dr. Phil.
Dick: Okay. (bracing himself)
Maddox: Right? And so, here's some excerpts from the video of her watching you on Dr. Phil.
Dick: Oh, I can't wait. (sarcastic)
Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Here's what she has to say. Here's what she starts out with.
(Sound clip from the video, Dick saying, "Women should not be allowed to vote it's ridiculous….women interjecting, "Oh, shut up. You jackass.")
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. You jackass!
Dick: You jackass. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. She didn't like that at all. Here's what she says.
(Sound clip, woman with heavy accent (Angelo's mom) saying, "Listen, you jackass. You cannot live without the woman, try to live by yourself. Not only that, woman gives the best babies. I hate him! I hate him! Take this jerk out of my face. Who IS he?!)
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) She hates you.
Dick: Who am I? I'm on TV, and you're not, baby. (grinning) That's who I am.
Maddox: Whoaaaaa!! Hey, she's been on with Tim and Eric, dude! I'd take Tim and Eric over Dr. Phil.
Dick: Well, whatever.
Maddox: Any day. Yeah, so she says…
Dick: This is a guy's mom and he's just playing her my clips from Dr. Phil and then recording the outrage?
Maddox: Oh yeah. It goes on, man. She has so many messages for you. Listen to this.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Yeah, well, Maddox, I don't know what kind of friend is this you have, but I can tell you this guy is a jerk!")
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What?!?! (incredulous)
Maddox: A jork.
Dick: I'm a jork!?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Is this what the women…is she Greece? Is she from Greece?
Maddox: She's Greek, yeah.
Dick: Is this what the women in Greece are like? No wonder that country's in the shitter!
Maddox: No, dude.
Dick: If I was a Greek man and I had to wake up next to that, I'd go straight to the fucking bar! That's what I would do! (upset) (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: You're blaming Greek's economic downfall on women?!
Dick: No, on her specifically.
Maddox: Oh, on her specifically. (laughing)
Dick: On Angelo's mom specifically.
Maddox: Well that sounds…
Dick: (interjects) (yelling) Brighten up! Put a smile on it, lady!
Maddox: Yeah. (grinning) Well Dick, she has a question for you. Here's her question.
Dick: Go ahead.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Let me ask you something, you…if you're not gay, can you live without a woman? (incredulous)")
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Can you?
Dick: If I'm not gay?
Maddox: If you're not gay, can you…
Dick: I don't think that was necessary, was it? The gay part?
Maddox: Can you? Yeah. Here's another question, Dick.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "And he's on the Internet and they let him be there?!")
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I can't believe they let you be in the internet!
Dick: Yeah. Look, lady. In America, you're allowed to sound like a jerk on the Internet. I don't know how it is in Greece, but over here in the land of the free, you can do that. (upset)
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno, Dick. Well, she has a message for you. Here's what she has to say to you.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Let me tell you something. You suck. You nobody. You talk like that about women, you nobody. You zero. Zero! (Maddox: Zero.) You nobody! Dug a hole and put himself in there!!") (Dick guffaws)
Maddox: Yeah. Why did you dug a hole and put yourself in there, Dick?
Dick: Oh, man. Straight to the bar.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That'd be me, waking up in Greece with one of these broads. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Well, let me give you some tips, Angelo's mom.
Maddox: Well, there's still more.
Dick: Oh, there's more?
Maddox: There's a few more things she wanted to say to you.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Let me tell you something. Why don't you go home and suck a lemon!?")
Maddox: Yeah, why don't you suck a lemon, Dick?! (Dick cracks up) (Maddox giggles) And here's some more. Here's some more. This is what she thinks of you, Dick. Here's what she thinks of your message.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Your whole…your whole persona. Your whole ethos. Here's what she has to say to you, Dick.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: (yelling) Go to Hell! You came out of a woman! Don't you have any respect about your mother!? Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu(gets louder) ugly piece of humanity! Don't you have any respect about your mother?! (Dick dying of laughter) What your mother say about that? (Maddox: Yeah!) The poor woman!")
Maddox: The poor woman, Dick. What does your mother have to say about that?! Youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu ugly piece of humanity! (Dick laughs) That's it. That's all she has to say for that.
Dick: Oh, that's it?
Maddox: Oh, well the video goes on and on, but those are the excerpts I got from it.
Dick: Always about my mother. Always goes straight for my mother. What's the deal?
Maddox: She's concerned about your poor mother, Dick! As am I!
Dick: (grinning) Yeah, I don't think so. Some…that didn't sound like concern to me. That sounded like rage.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So, Angelo's mom. Next time you do that, put your thoughts together a little more, 'cause you sound like a gibbering ape. Screaming about being an ugly piece of humanity and talking about my mother.
Maddox: Wooowww.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well Dick, here's what she has to say to you.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are so STUPID, man!" (Maddox cracks up) "This guy is dumb!")
Maddox: (laughing) Dick, I have so many clips from that video…I have created an entirely new sound board based on that one video and Angelo's mom. So here it is…
Dick: You're so fucking happy. Look at you. (Maddox giggles) It's like an early Christmas present that some woman would call in to scream at me.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Yeah, I love it so much. (grins) So here is, for the first time, without further ado, the new soundboard! I'm just gonna go through these. Here's some of the new clips you'll be hearing on the show.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: Listen to this one.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Go to Hell, man!")
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah! (Dick cracks up) Go to Hell, Dick. Listen to this one.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are a jackass!!!")
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, jackass. Listen to this one.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "This guy is stupid!!")
Maddox: (laughing) Stupid. (Dick laughs) And so, and of course, she asked that question:
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "And who are you, gay?!")
Maddox: Yeah. Are you gay, Dick?
Dick: Is that what we're doing? We're throwing around homophobic epithets now, on this show?
Maddox: No. She's wondering if you are because you hate women so much.
Dick: Oh, she's just asking?
Maddox: She's asking.
Dick: She's just asking questions?
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "And who are you, gay?!")
Maddox: Yeah.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "And who are you, gay?!")
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox and Dick crack up) That's how it sounds when you're just asking questions. "ARE YOU GAY?!?!" (accusatory)
Maddox: She's inquisitive, man!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: In the video, she actually does say, "No, there's nothing wrong with it. There's nothing wrong with it."
Dick: Right, right, right.
Maddox: But she does think that you might be gay.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Go to Hell, and stay there!!")
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughing) Stay there, Dick. Here's this one.
Dick: (interjects) Ah, man.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Hey, if the women that were available were all like you, Angelo's mom, maybe I would be gay!
Maddox: (scoffs) Oh, really?!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, well here's what she thinks of you.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You dumb shit!") (Maddox laughing)
Dick: The mouth on this woman!
Maddox: Yeah. She also thinks you're crazy, dude.
Dick: I'll tell you what…I'll tell you something about my mom. She doesn't swear like that.
Maddox: Well, maybe she should.
Dick: That's because Angelo's mom, she's not like school in summertime. No class.
Maddox: (cracks up) That sounds pretty crazy.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Crazy.")
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Crazy.")
Maddox: Yeah. Dick, it sounds like you're a little bit…
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You so arrogant!")
Maddox: Arrogant.
Dick: Yeah, I'll take that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's a fair cop.
Maddox: Uh-huh. And listen to this one.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "I never heard such a dumb thing!")
Maddox: Yeah. That's a…
Dick: Me?
Maddox: I'll be using that a lot. Yeah, I'll be using that one a lot.
Dick: Alright. Is this…I've had enough of this. Is this your solution today, or what?
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Shut the Hell up!") (Dick cracks up) (Maddox chuckles)
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are a shithead!")
Dick: This is exactly what you needed. Another goddamn soundboard.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You have shit in your head!") (Maddox cracks up)
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You suck!")
Maddox: Oh, man. I'm gonna have so much…I haven't even played all of them. I've got SO many.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: I've got so many.
Dick: Angelo, will you tell your mom to relax? Tell her it's alright.
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno man. I think…
Dick: (interjects) Tell her I'm a nice guy. (laughs)
Maddox: Well, he can lie to her! Why would he lie to his mom?!
Dick: Ah, she sounds so upset, man!
Maddox: Yeah. She's not upset. She just…she questions your sexual orientation and whether or not you're a dumb shit and/or have shit in your head. So, uh…anyway, anyway, Dick, you'll be hearing some of those sound clips throughout the rest of the…probably the rest of the series for the duration of this podcast.
Dick: That's why we drink, ladies. Straight to the bar waking up next to that. (grins) Straight to the fucking bar.
Maddox: That's fair, Dick.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Dick, uh, let's talk about some solutions, shall we?
Dick: Sure. So, this week…on this week's episode, I engendered a lot of ill will, you might say.
Maddox: (chuckles) Yeah.
Dick: With my stance on Mandatory Holiday Shifts. Do you remember that?
Maddox: That was last week's episode. Not the bonus episode, but last week's episode.
Dick: Yeah, last week's regular episode. I think it was 28. You brought in Mandatory Holiday Shifts. And I was against it.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Well, I was for them. I believe that if a company is paying you to work, you decide to work, you show up.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: It's a simple…simple interaction for me.
Maddox: Yeah. Sounds fair, except in the case where you sign up for that job without the expectation to have to have a mandatory holiday shift.
Dick: Well, I tell you what. I brought in a solution for that problem.
Maddox: Oh, let's hear it.
Dick: That's a universal solution. Because, in all honesty, I think it's the most useful solution we're ever gonna have on this show.
Maddox: Okay. (skeptical)
Dick: And that it deserves to be the biggest in the universe. Here it is. Ready?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Ask For A Raise.
Maddox: Ask for…Dick!!! (Dick giggles) Why do you phrase it like that?! Why do you say "Ask for a Raise"? Your fucking phrasing on this is insane!
Dick: What do you mean? Why?
Maddox: Dick. If you want to say…if somebody says, "What do you think a solution is in society?" A solution for this problem. Problem XYZ, right?
Dick: Right.
Maddox: You come and you say "Ask for a raise" is the solution.
Dick: Ask for a raise.
Maddox: No! It's asking for a raise. You have to say the verb. "Asking" for a raise.
Dick: "Ask" is still a verb.
Maddox: Yeah, but it's not…it doesn't sound right. "Ask for a raise" is not a solution.
Dick: You say, "Hey, hey, what's your problem?" "Oh, I got a problem. I'm feeling shitty about my job." "Hey, solution. Ask for a raise."
Maddox: Yeah, that's a whole…
Dick: (interjects) Rolls right off the tongue.
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) That's a whole paragraph, dude. If I was just going to say "One of the solutions in the universe is asking for a raise." Dick, if you want to use your horseshit phrasing, go ahead.
Dick: Yeah. I do. (grins) You're talking to the winner! I'm 1 for 1.
Maddox: Uh-huh. Oh, wow.
Dick: There's been one winner of the bonus episode podcast, and it's me. So I'll phrase it however the fuck I want. "Ask for a raise. "
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You dumb shit!") (Dick cracks up, Maddox laughs)
Dick: So I did some research on this.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Check this out. Uh, CBS News says…so here's what my thinking is.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What I hear ubiquitously is people complaining about their jobs. In this case, the holiday…the mandatory holiday shifts.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Complaining about the money. Complaining about the station in their lives. But I'm wondering…do you ever just go ask for a raise?
Maddox: Yeah. (amused) A lot of people do, Dick.
Dick: Not as many as you think. How many would you think? Like, honestly. (stammers) You know.
Maddox: What are you asking me, a percentage?
Dick: Yeah. Let's go with a percentage.
Maddox: A percentage of employees who ask for a raise?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, it's…I'm going to guess about 20%.
Dick: Okay. But that's extremely low, though.
Maddox: No, 20% sounds about right. Because I'm thinking about the people who get promoted at work. And it's usually about 20% of the workforce, because those are the ones who are go-getters and they're ambitious and they're trying to get someplace with their life. Those are the type of people who would ask for a raise, myself included.
Dick: Okay, so I actually found stats on this. And at first, I started looking for how often people ask for raises? That gave me nothing. So I said okay, how often do women ask for raises, right?
Maddox: Why? Why?
Dick: Because that's all you ever hear about, like the squeaky wheel gets the grease, right?
Maddox: Ah, that's true.
Dick: So I actually found, on CBS News, 44% of women and 48% of men ever ask for raises.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: That's less than half.
Maddox: Yeah! I thought it would be lower, actually. I thought it would be lower. 'Cause people are too…people are too afraid. They don't have the resolve. They don't have the grit. They don't have the baaaaaaaaaallls, baby.
Dick: Yeah, that's crazy to me, man!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And it says, from that same study, 25% of people said they got more money than they were expecting when they asked for a raise. 38% said that they got the raise they were expecting. So that's…what is that? 50…what is that…63%? Got money? By just asking for it?
Maddox: That's pretty good odds. (amused)
Dick: The number should be 100%! That's more than half of people are not asking for raises! That's crazy.
Maddox: No, Dick. Because you're gambling! You're throwing the dice every time. If you walk into your boss's office and you say, "Hey man, I'd like a raise." And your boss thinks, "Well, this guy seems pretty entitled. He/she hasn't done anything to deserve a raise…"
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: "…So I might actually put him/her on the chopping block because not only are they doing a sub-par or average job, but now they want more money? Fuck that guy!"
Dick: Yeah, I don't…I don't agree with you, though. I think that's what people think, but I don't agree that that's what their bosses are thinking. I think their bosses are panicking just to have them there. Like, if everybody is gonna collectively say that they have any power, the people working these jobs, they should say, "Look, my time is fucking valuable." Asking for more money…there's no consequence to it. That's the part of this that I don't believe. That putting yourself out there and saying, "Hey, this is my time. I'm exchanging the quantum of my life for money. I would like more of it." I don't think that's gonna be punished.
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno Dick. I think if somebody's not doing something that's above and beyond the call of duty, they're not pushing the envelope for their expectations, they don't deserve a raise, and if they ask for it, they're gonna look entitled and weak. You know what, Dick?
Dick: So you're telling people not to ask for a raise?
Maddox: Well, here's the thing. I don't think it's a problem. I don't think it's even a solution. Well, it could be a solution, but it's not a problem, because the type of person who would ask for a raise is already cognizant and self-aware of their value and their worth and they know that they are contributing to the company a disproportionate amount.
Dick: False! No, because people…you've said this before…
Maddox: The Dunning-Kruger Effect. (grinning)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Yep.
Dick: It's people who are delusional about what they contribute, think they're doing a good job…
Maddox: (interjects) Ohhh.
Dick: And they're the ones more likely to ask for a raise.
Maddox: Wait a second, Dick. That sounds like an argument in my favor. 'Cause that sounds like inept people are asking for raises. (grins)
Dick: Right! So if you actually feel like you're in any way…like, if you're even cognizant of the fact that there's a difference between competence and incompetence, you should be asking for a raise all the time.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, how do you address the Dunning-Kruger Effect? How do you address the effect that people who are capable and adept are less likely to think they are and people who are unqualified and inept are more likely to think that they are more qualified. How do you address that problem?
Dick: Very simply. Ignore it.
Maddox: (laughing) Okay, Dick.
Dick: Ask for more money. That's my solution. That's the biggest solution…that's more important than meat, it's more important than nuclear fuckin' power…(Maddox giggles) It's even more important than surge pricing.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "This guy is dumb!") (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That sounds so dumb, Dick.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Here's the thing. I have asked for a raise before at my old job.
Dick: Did you get it?
Maddox: I sure as shit did.
Dick: One for one.
Maddox: Uh, however!
Dick: 100%! Of my stats!
Maddox: But here's the thing. Here's when I felt qualified…I felt justified in asking for a raise.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: I went to my boss…so I wrote this computer program. We had this program at my old job that we had to run at the end of every single night, in every single call center. I worked for a telemarketing company, and we had something like 20 call centers, right?
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Every single call center had to run a program that would take 45 minutes to an hour to complete, and while that program was running, they had to pay two IT staff members to sit around waiting for that program to finish so they could put those reports on the manager's desk at the end of the night, right?
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: I rewrote that program and optimized it so it went down from 45 minutes to 3.
Dick: So you cut those two people's jobs, kinda?
Maddox: (laughs) No, I just cut their hours.
Dick: (laughing) Okay.
Maddox: I just cut their hours a bit.
Dick: It's the Grinch! It's the Grinch of jobs!
Maddox: Oookay, Dick! I can't win with you! (angry) What do I do…
Dick: (interjects) So what happens, so you asked for a raise after that, 'cause you saved the company so much money?
Maddox: I saved the company over 2 or 3 hundred thousand dollars. I did the math and I showed my boss, I said, "Hey man, I'm saving you guys 300,000$ by rewriting this one fucking program."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "How about throwing a little bit my way?" I got a tiny little raise. I was making 7$ an hour at that time…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I got bumped up to, I think, 9.50$.
Dick: 7 dollars an hour? When was this, 1964? Jesus Christ!
Maddox: Nnnnno. This was, like, the year 2000. I was severely underpaid at my job. I eventually got more money, but I was making, like, 7, 8 dollars an hour as a programmer.
Dick: Lemme tell you where you fucked up there, man. You waited until you did something that you could prove you were worth something. If you'da just walked in and asked for it, you probably woulda got the same raise. Like, what if? Let's say there's a reality where you just…where I'm, like, Quantum Leaping into you for a day, and I'm like, "Oh man, I'm gonna fuck up Maddox's life so bad. I'm gonna go see a bunch of whores…I'm gonna tell his parents and his friends to go eff themselves, and I'm gonna walk into his boss's office and demand a raise."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What if he had given it to you then?
Maddox: If I'd just walked in out of nowhere?
Dick: Yeah. 'Cause you can't ever be sure.
Maddox: Yeah, but then I would also look like that entitled dipshit. I've worked with people, Dick, where they come to me, and I give them a set amount, and I say, "This is what my budget is. This is what I'm willing to pay."
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And then before they even complete the job, they ask for more money. I said, "You know what? Fuck you. Get outta here." (Dick laughs) "You're dumb!"
Dick: What is this? What is the…
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Crazy!")
Dick: What is the context that you're saying this in?
Maddox: I've hired people for illustration work. I've hired people for design work.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I've hired people to just do manual labor type stuff. You know, I've worked with people in the past, and when people demand more money before they complete the job or before they prove themselves to me, then you know, see ya buddy. Hit the road, Jack.
Dick: Hey, man. All I'm saying is not all bosses are us umm…I don't know, what do you call it. As you.
Maddox: Awesome.
Dick: Not all bosses are as on top of it as you are. You know?
Maddox: Oh. Thank you, Dick. That's…
Dick: (interjects) You take a big company like Wal-Mart…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Just forcing these people to work holiday hours, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: If you're working at Wal-Mart, go in every fucking day and ask for a raise. What's the consequence?
Maddox: The consequence is you get laid off because people might be banging down their doors for that job.
Dick: Don't be afraid of them. Don't be afraid of the Wal-Marts.
Maddox: Dick, lemme give you an example. The video game industry is notorious for its working conditions. They have some of the shittiest working conditions known to anyone.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: Just ask anyone who's worked for one of the big companies, like EA or Activision, or whatever. They work CRAZY long hours, and if you complain about it, let alone ask for a raise, they'll say, "Hey, okay. You don't like your job? We got a billion people waiting at the door, banging our doors down for this job. You're lucky to have it, buddy."
Dick: Man, I'm really…I'm honestly really surprised to hear you have this reaction to my solution. I dunno if you're arguing with me over the solution or if you actually think that people shouldn't ask for a raise more.
Maddox: I think that the people who do ask for a raise, they're the right people who are asking for raises.
Dick: I think that the number's way off. I think it should be, like, even counting for people who are mediocre employees, I think it should be at least above 80%. From 50?
Maddox: Dick, you've overseen employees before, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: How many?
Dick: A bunch.
Maddox: A bunch.
Dick: What, does it matter?
Maddox: Well, let's say it's 10. Let's say all 10 people, every day, come to you at the start of the day and say, "Hey Dick, how about a raise?"
Dick: What am I gonna do, start firing people?
Maddox: Well…
Dick: Just instantly?
Maddox: You don't think it's annoying?
Dick: You know how hard it is to replace people?
Maddox: Weeeeeellll….
Dick: It's fucking hard. It's more expensive than giving them a raise. Listen to this. Um…Out of the 28% of women in the US have asked for a promotion. Compared to 40% of men. 17% got a new role. 42% got the role they asked for. Again, over 50. If you're gonna do something with the success rate of over 50%, I say go for it.
Maddox: Yeah. Well.
Dick: Right?! If you're gonna ask a girl out. Man, I'll ask a girl out when the success rate is 1%! This is 50%?! Fuck it, do it every day.
Maddox: When have you gotten 1%?
Dick: On women? (grins)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Depends on how drunk I am.
Maddox: You're close to zero all the time. (amused)
Dick: Oh, you think…is that a for real comment?!
Maddox: No. (giggles) No.
Dick: Yeah, you're outta your mind!
Maddox: Dick, I would say you're, like, batting 30, or 40. (laughs)
Dick: 30 or 40 percent?
Maddox: Yeah. Of the women you ask out?
Dick: On the women…honestly, I would divide it between drunk and sober.
Maddox: Okay, well is it higher or lower when you're drunk.
Dick: I dunno. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: There's the introspective Dick Masterson.
Dick: Uh, women don't ask for raises. Guys don't ask it enough. Um…
Maddox: You know, Dick, it's interesting. So I read this study awhile back…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That was put out by some women's group. It was the Women's Labor Movement or something…I forget what the name is, but they did a study about the discrepancy…the wage gap discrepancy, right? In America. And once they controlled for all these variables, I'm actually working on a video about this and it's gonna fucking blow the lid off of this fuckin' study, but once they control for all the variables…
Dick: (cackles) Alright.
Maddox: Right?
Dick: Walter Cronkite. (grinning)
Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah. I am! I'm the petty Walter Cronkite. So, once you control for all the variables that account for differences in wage gaps; for example, the number one reason is that men and women prefer different types of jobs. They just do. The second reason is because of education levels and different experience levels and different tenure, and different…you know, once you control for all these variables and if you look at the same industry and compare women and men, they make about 94% to 97% of the same wage. Right? So they said, "Well that doesn't explain the remaining gap, which is pretty much the margin of error, but once you eliminated that, one possible explanation for the remaining wage gap is this discrepancy that you're talking about. The likelihood of women to ask for raises than men.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They say women are less likely than men to ask for raises and that could explain the discrepancy. The remaining discrepancy.
Dick: 20% of adult women never negotiate at all. Never. At all.
Maddox: Yeah. Why do you think that is?
Dick: Because it's hard. It's hard to demand more money for your time.
Maddox: Well…
Dick: It's easy to get…it's easy to do it online. It's easy to complain online. It's easy to get in a big group of people striking for something.
Maddox: (interjects) Well, why is it…why..so Dick, you (stammers) you just made my point. Why is it hard? I said at the top of this…
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause people are afraid.
Maddox: And what are they afraid of?
Dick: Uh, I think the fear is more general. I think what you're explaining, the, like, "You might get fired." Is just an explanation they have for a more general fear they have of confrontation.
Maddox: They're afraid of confrontation.
Dick: Like, I don't think it's as logical as you're saying.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, potentially, but I think there might be some other underlying reason. Here's the thing, Dick. We can speculate all we want, but unless we have some research and stats to actually suggest what the problem is…but you think that they're afraid…
Dick: (interjects) Hey, I got a stats for you.
Maddox: Yeah? (giggles)
Dick: I say we have an "Ask for a Raise Day". A national Ask For A Raise Day, where everybody goes in and asks for a raise.
Maddox: Terrible idea.
Dick: Why?
Maddox: Because you're suddenly competing with every other employee. So that eliminates any advantage you might have.
Dick: Alright, man.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay, Dick. Is that all you got?
Dick: You got anything else?
Maddox: Yeah. Is that all you got on your problem?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Your solution, rather.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: (giggles) Or problem. Okay, Dick. I got a REAL solution here. Alright?
Dick: What's that?
Maddox: One of the biggest problems in the universe, I think, is lack of education, and you know who's trying to help solve that?
Dick: (laughing) Okay…
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: Hold on. Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah? The name is Malala Yousafzai. Have you heard of her?
Dick: No. I just want to be clear. You're naming your solution Malala Mousafzai.
Maddox: (laughs) Malala Yousafzai.
Dick: Okay. So when I said my solution was "Ask for a Raise", and you threw a big fit…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You're naming your solution the name of a girl.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: (pause) And that's okay for you?
Maddox: Of course! It's like naming Einstein. Einstein's a potential solution!
Dick: So if someone would come to you and say, "Hey, I have a problem with my car. It's not starting." And you say, "Here's the solution. Einstein."
Maddox: No. You would say, "Here's the solution. Mechanics." There you go. It's a thing! It's an occupation!
Dick: Take it to a mechanic. Take it to a mechanic is what you're saying. (grins)
Maddox: (annoyed) No, that's now how you phrase it! (yells) You would just say, "Mechanics is the solution to your broken car!" You wouldn't say, "Take it to a mechanic." What's the solution? "Take it to a mechanic." Well, okay. That sounds clunky as shit!!! (Dick laughs) Whatever, Dick.
Dick: I sound clunky!? You sound like you're learning English as a second language, just reading off "Mechanic".
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "I never heard such a dumb thing!") (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Goddamnit. Alright, go ahead? So what's this girl all about?
Maddox: Malala Yousafzai. She's a 16-year-old Pakistani girl.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: Who was shot point blank range in the face by the Taliban.
Dick: Okay. (wavering laugh)
Maddox: Because she was protesting to make sure that women could get an education. Okay? So I have a little game here, Dick.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: I brought in a little game, here. This is a new game. Try to guess if I'm talking about Malala Yousafzai or Tom and Katy Holmes' daughter, Suri Cruise.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Okay? Okay, so first of all…
Dick: (interjects) I have a feeling like this would be an easy game.
Maddox: Well, we'll see.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: She has a wardrobe totalling over 3 million dollars. (Dick cracks up laughing)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Including a 21-thousand dollar Dolce Gabbana trench coat and a rack of Juicy Couture Marc Jacobs dresses.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Is that Suri or Malala?
Dick: Oh gosh, lemme think. (sarcastic)
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.
Dick: Is any of it bulletproof for dealings with the Taliban?
Maddox: Uh, I don't believe so, no.
Dick: Okay, then I'm gonna have to go Suri Cruise.
Maddox: Correct! That was Suri Cruise.
Dick: Great.
Maddox: Okay. (guffaws) Okay. The next one. Her first name means "Grief-stricken".
Dick: (cracks up)(Maddox cracks up) That's gotta be Katie Holmes, right? Is she on the list?
Maddox: No, she's not. (laughing) But that was actually Malala. Incorrect, Dick. HER first name means "Princess" (laughing)
Dick: Tsh. Suri Cruise.
Maddox: This isn't even a joke. Her name means "Princess" in Hebrew. Suri…and by the way, it also means "pickpocket" in Japanese.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Yeah. She lives in a 6,000 square foot home in a gated community. (trying not to laugh). Suri.
Dick: Suri.
Maddox: Yeah. Now, here's an audio question, okay?
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Whose mom is this? Is this Katie Holmes or Malala's mom, Tor Pekai? Okay, here's the clip. Lemme see if you can guess whose mom this is.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: This was on the Ellen DeGeneres Show.
(Sound clip: Woman: "My daughter is eight years old and she already has her Christmas list ready." Ellen: "Is it written out?" Woman: "It's written out. She's very organized." Ellen: "Mhmm." Woman: "And I start to, like…you know, I get a little bit of a panic, because you CANNOT screw up talking to Santa. You cannot miss any item on that list, because if you screw that up, I mean, that's years and years of hearing about it and probably therapy." Ellen: "Right.")
Maddox: Oh. Probably therapy!
Dick: I'm gonna blow my brains out just listening to that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's awful.
Maddox: Doesn't that make you want to vomit? Doesn't that make you sick!? (angry)
Dick: (deep sigh) It annoys me.
Maddox: Yeah. This is Suri Cruise. Her mom is afraid of missing an item on her Christmas list, God forbid she misses an item on Suri's fucking precious Christmas list! (spitting, mad) Princess! Suri Princess Cruise! (jeers) Meanwhile, Malala Yousafzai was shot point blank in the face by terrorists, survived brain swelling, and brain clots…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: (angry) Became septic due to faulty tubes and machines. Had to have surgery. The bullet travelled 1000 feet per second, punctured her skin, ricocheted through her EAR DRUM, severed a nerve in her face, and embedded in her shoulder!!
Dick: Pff. It's a shitty Christmas.
Maddox: Yeah. It is a shitty Christmas.
Dick: However, are her parents still together? 'Cause Suzi Cruise's parents are split up, aren't they? That's rough, man. Broken home.
Maddox: Oh, well. That is rough (laughing) Well, speaking of broken homes, Dick, maybe this will help. 'Cause her mom surprised her with a 24,000$ Grand Victorian Playhouse for Christmas!
Dick: Oh, that's nice.
Maddox: Equipped with running water, electricity, and extensive landscaping. (incredulous) (Dick chuckles) Her fucking Victorian Playhouse has running water!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Some of the villages in Pakistan don't have running water!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. This is what we're dealing with. This is what American kids have to aspire to.
Dick: What are we dealing with? What are we dealing with, here? Suri Cruise? That's who we're dealing with?
Maddox: No. We're dealing with…
Dick: (interjects) What's the solution?
Maddox: The solution…
Dick: (interjects) This just sounds like an anti-Suri Cruise rant!
Maddox: Well, it is. (smiling) This is a news clip from ABC News. When Malala Yousafzai survived the bullet. Listen to how amazing this is.
Dick: Okay.
(Sound clip: ABC female announcer: "The bullet took a path that simply cannot be believed." Female reporter: "The chances of being shot at point blank range in the head and that happening, I don't know, but it is amazing. Truly amazing. I don't know why she survived." Announcer: "A bullet travelling 1000 feet per second slips under Malala's skin, but as it heads toward her brain, that bone turns out to be so strong and curved, it forces the bullet to ricochet away. (Maddox: Mhmm. Tough bone.) And instead smashes her eardrum, severs a nerve in her face, and hits her shoulder.")
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: She had a bullet embedded in her shoulder because she stood up to the Taliban for the rights of people to get educated.
Dick: Well, what's the solution, though? Have a thick skull?
Maddox: She is the solution. No. (giggles) No, Dick. 'Cause if that were the case, you would be the solution.
Dick: I mean, a lot of guy have tried to get shot and failed.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I don't think this solution would work for, like, JFK.
Maddox: Who tried to get shot and failed?
Dick: My YouTube playlist is full of guys…(laughing) that cop that shot himself in the leg, remember that guy?
Maddox: What, you just go home and watch this to relax?
Dick: Yeah, to relax.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) Yeah, I remember that. No, Dick. People like this. Okay? This 16-year-old girl…and by the way…so, Katie Holmes' mom is on the Ellen DeGeneres show…
Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute! Taking a stand against impossible odds?! Is that what she did?! Is that what you're saying?!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: What's asking for a raise!? And they're not impossible odds! They're 50/50.
Maddox: Okay. Then those aren't impossible odds, Dick. (Dick cracks up) You just shot…
Dick: (interjects) Only when it's impossible?! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Sounds like you just shot your solution in the head.
Dick: Alright. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. So anyway, while she was operated on…so Katie Holmes' mom is on the Ellen DeGeneres Show saying that her daughter might have to get therapy if she doesn't get all the items on her Christmas list…(laughing)
Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: She was joking.
Maddox: Oh, was she?!
Dick: Yeah. I think she was joking.
Maddox: I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Meanwhile, the doctor who operated on Malala has never seen her cry. (Dick cracks up) She didn't…she didn't wince, cry, or even flinch when the needles entered her body.
Dick: Mmm.
Maddox: She's stoic as fuck. This girl's so tough. This girl's so badass. So Suri Cruise's mom surprises her with that 24-thousand dollar Grand Victorian playhouse, right?
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Meanwhile, Malala lived with her two young brothers and two pet chickens. She stood up to terrorists and got shot in the face for it.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: This is what we need more of in this world. People who are willing to stand up for their beliefs and die for their beliefs. And this is a 16-year-old girl with that kind of conviction. She sat down with Obama and instead of gushing, like…
Dick: (interjects) You know, well, I was just…I'm sorry, can I interrupt for a second?
Maddox: Yeah, go ahead.
Dick: You know who else stood up to terrorists like that?
Maddox: Oh. (laughs)
Dick: George W. Bush.
Maddox: No, he fucking didn't! That fucking coward!
Dick: He didn't even have evidence to stand up to terrorists…(Maddox laughs) And he said, "You know what? Fuck it. I believe that they're bad. I'm gonna stand up to them!"
Maddox: Fucking Old West dumb shit. He thought…yeah.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: He thought this was the Wild West. He put on his cowboy hat like a dumbass. Look, he raised morale.
Dick: What did he do that was different than this girl that you brought in? (grinning)
Maddox: You mean other than not get shot in the face? (Dick laughs) That, maybe? And…so, here's the thing. It doesn't end there. It doesn't end there. This girl…she won the World's Children Prize Award of 50,000$. And you know what she did with it? (Dick scoffs) She donated all of it to rebuild 65 schools. With 50,000$, she rebuilt 65 schools. So with half the price of Suri Cruise's Grand Victorian playhouse, she could have built, what? What's that? 33 schools?
Dick: 33 schools, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. 33 schools she could have built for the cost of her fucking TOY. (angry) This is what makes the rest of the world pissed off. They look at us and they say, "Well, fuck this." And this is what little girls in America are aspiring to, rather than Malala Yousafzai, because she has a weird name.
Dick: Suri Cruise?
Maddox: Yeah, Suri Cruise.
Dick: Yeah. Well, I don't think it's because she has a weird name…
Maddox: Well. (skeptical)
Dick: I think it's because…you know, we don't have to fight terrorists to go to school. It's not really relevant to little girls over here.
Maddox: Yeah, but here's what…
Dick: Is it?
Maddox: Well, no, but here's what is relevant. Here's what every time you pull up fucking Jezebel, or XO Jane, or any of these…mic.com…or vox.com…or Polygon! Fucking all they do is RAGE. RAGE about Spider-Woman comic book covers.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And they RAGE about the cover of Cosmopolitan and women being Photoshopped.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: This is the problem! These are the problems, right? Meanwhile, little girls are getting shot in the face just so they have a chance to be educated. Just so they can become a doctor. You know why…you know why this is so important, Dick? She inspired her friend Kainat to become a gynecologist, because women in Pakistan can't even go to male doctors, because they can't show their bodies. This is what women in Pakistan are dealing with. Meanwhile, in America, the front cover of XO Jane, and all these fucking feminist screeds are bitching about comic book covers! (yelling) These are…this is a problem. This is what feminism SHOULD be today. Not this fucking horseshit that we're peddling our time away on. This is why people are pissed off! It's not feminism!
Dick: Well, what shouldn't be that? So, what are we, finding the lowest common denom…we're finding, like, the most abused, the most tired, the most wretched mass of people on Earth and we're helping them? That's just not how we work! (Maddox laughs) Like, it's just not. I want to be entertained. Okay? I want to help out a little bit. I want a little bit of altruism, but honestly, at the end of the day, everybody's just gotta get through it. You know?
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "Shut the hell up!") (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Yeah. I'm the asshole for saying that. Yet, every fucking person in the world spends their money like…to agree with me.
Maddox: Dick, what you're saying is what we are. Not why. And not why we should change. You're not saying…you're not saying that. You're just saying, "Here's how we are. We are what we are, man." What can we do? Where's the scorpion?
Dick: So what's the solution? Have more of this girl?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Give her a talking point? Give her a mouthpiece?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, she sat down with Obama and instead of gushing his praises like a fangirl, she told him that drone attacks in Pakistan are fueling terrorism. So think about that. It took a 16-year-old girl to point out that what the dipshits in our government STILL haven't figured out. When drones attack targets, innocent victims are killed, which leads to resentment among Pakistani people. And that's what fuels terrorism! Right? George fuckin' W. Bush couldn't figure that out! She wants Obama to instead focus on education in these countries rather than fucking fueling terrorism with more innocent victims that are killed with drone attacks.
Dick: Yeah. I don't know. (skeptical)
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay, Dick.
Dick: We got a lot of…we got a lot of problems here. Look, I don't really think we need to go around the world spending more money and setting up schools. Alright? Let them figure it out.
Maddox: (stammers) Yeah, Dick.
Dick: Oh, is that like the worst thing to say?
Maddox: Dick, it's an investment in our national security to have these other countries educated. You know that Female Genital Mutilation problem I mentioned…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, so start…
Maddox: (interjects) Hold on, hold on.
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, start…okay, go ahead.
Maddox: You know, I mentioned that problem, the Female Genital Mutilation a couple of episodes back, what was it, like number 5 or 6 or something?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's a huge problem. And what can solve that problem, according to Unicef, is higher education.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: So, that would solve that problem. That would solve the problem of terrorism. These are ignorant people who are blowing themselves up.
Dick: I agree. Start a Kickstarter.
Maddox: (scoffs) K…Okay. (laughing)
Dick: Stop…stop taking it out of the taxes.
Maddox: Great.
Dick: That's all I'm saying!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Look, you're so passionate about it, it's such a great idea. Put it on the Internet. People whip out their credit cards, problem solved. (grinning)
Maddox: Dick, you know how much these missiles cost? Like, we're shooting these missiles as a test…
Dick: I don't want to shoot them either! (yelling)
Maddox: Great! Well, for the cost of one of those missiles, we could build hundreds of schools. Just by one missile. And that would have such a positive impact in this world. In this part of the world.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That would solve problems for generations to come. It would help them be able to bootstrap themselves and get out of the rut that they're in. This rut of ignorance and suicide bombs, and this culture that creates genital mutilation.
Dick: (inhales) Sure.
Maddox: That's what would solve this problem. And little girls like Malala Yousafzai are standing up to terrorists. She got shot in the face. She had bullet powder on her hands. She fell down face first and was covered in blood and was…and didn't even cry. Didn't even fucking cry.
Dick: It's a very visceral account of getting shot.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, she's a badass.
Dick: I just think it's a very complicated problem.
Maddox: (scoffs) Well…
Dick: That's all. Not solved by, I don't even know what the solution is.
Maddox: She is the solution.
Dick: Like, I get that she's a badass, but I don't know how that…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's just like a Chuck Norris thing? Like…
Maddox: No.
Dick: How does this apply to the problem?
Maddox: Because she inspires people, Dick. She inspires…she is the youngest recipient of a Nobel Prize. Did you know that?
Dick: Great.
Maddox: She won a Nobel Prize…what are you…(yells) why are you so unimpressed by that, Dick? Have you won a Nobel Prize?!
Dick: No.
Maddox: (giggles) Really?!
Dick: Surprisingly not. (grinning)
Maddox: Wow, surprise, surprise. Yeah.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are a jackass!") (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Like, she won a Nobel Prize for what? Surviving getting shot?
Maddox: I believe it was a Nobel Peace Prize.
Dick: Yeah. They give that one out to get publicity.
Maddox: You know, I was pissed off when they gave…like, a lot of people were pissed off…
Dick: Like, did they give her a million bucks too? What did she do with that?
Maddox: I'm not sure.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I'm not sure. Well, I bet she probably invested it in the community. Look, this girl's a 16-year-old girl. She comes from a humble background and humble life. She doesn't have a 24,000$ Victorian house with running water and electricity. She's…
Dick: Hey, she also doesn't have what you have, by the way.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: If we're gonna demonize Suri Cruise. Like, she doesn't even have what you and I have.
Maddox: Who?
Dick: So…uh, this girl. Malala.
Maddox: Oh, Malala?
Dick: Yeah. She doesn't have what you and I have. So how are we any better than Suri Cruise? We're fucking not.
Maddox: Well I don't know that she doesn't have a PlayStation 3 with Dark Souls II.
Dick: (laughing) She doesn't.
Maddox: She might be a Phantom!
Dick: She doesn't.
Maddox: She might be invading me, dude! I could have sworn I saw someone named Malala on there the other day! Fucking cheaped me in the corner. Spell builds. Spell builds are the worst, too. By the way. Magicians. Stupid. Anyway, dude. Malala Yousafzai. She's an inspiration.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: She's encouraging people to stand up to the Taliban. She's encouraging people to fight terrorism, and she's addressing the root problem of terrorism, which is ignorance!
Dick: I don't know about that.
Maddox: Of COURSE it is!!!! (incredulous)
Dick: Ignorance is the root problem of terrorism?!
Maddox: Absolutely!
Dick: How is ignorance the root problem of terrorism? No, really think about it. Just ignorance is the root problem of terrorism?
Maddox: Absolutely.
Dick: I think it is, "They got something I don't have. And I want it."
Maddox: Oh, you think it's jealousy.
Dick: No, I don't think it's jealousy…
Maddox: (interjects) That's what you…(scoffs)
Dick: I think it's, like, "They have something and I'm going to take it."
Maddox: No. No it's not, Dick.
Dick: What do you mean, no it's not.
Maddox: Because do you know how many Muslims there are in the world?
Dick: No. How many?
Maddox: I don't either. (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Dick: Alright. That's the point in this conversation where it becomes entirely bullshit.
Maddox: Hold up.
Dick: For both of us.
Maddox: I'm sure…I'm sure it's over 100 million, probably closer to a billion or 2 billion.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They're comparable to Christianity, right? There's a lot of Muslims in this world.
Dick: Sure, okay.
Maddox: And a very, very small percentage of them have ever committed anything terroristic, right?
Dick: Well, of course.
Maddox: Right. So, the people who have are ignorant. The majority of the Muslims are not.
Dick: I don't see why it's just ignorance, though. Like, isn't…
Maddox: (interjects) Of course it's ignorance.
Dick: Aren't…they have a cause. And all of their cause is to either stop something or take something. Like, isn't…the holy land that's in dispute…all the terrorism that occurs as a result of, you know, the Holy Land, Jerusalem…?
Maddox: Right. Right.
Dick: It's all because they want it. They want the land. The other side has the land. They want it back. Like, it's just…give us your stuff.
Maddox: Okay, but…
Dick: (interjects) It's like a mugging.
Maddox: Right, right, right. That's what they want. That's their cause. But it's not their method. Their method…people who suicide bomb and attack innocent people, they don't think ahead, they don't think of the repercussions of that. Right? Osama Bin Laden. Some of the terrorists hailed his methods as being revolutionary and so good for the Muslim world. It made nobody's life better. His life made Arab's lives worse. His life made terrorists' lives worse. He's dead. His organization is scattered. And yeah, there's ISIS and all these other terrorist groups, but they don't think ahead and plan ahead and think, "Hey, if we have this action that's going to kill innocent Americans, innocent people, innocent people on a bus, innocent people in Tel Aviv. We're going to have repercussions for that." And the repercussions are going to be worse than anything that came before it!
Dick: Yeah, well I'm thinking about that, but I'm trying to factor in the religious element of it. Like, they think they're going to a better place. Legitimately, right?
Maddox: Well, these…these specific ones do, but that's not the majority of Saudi Arabians or Muslims, for example.
Dick: But terrorists in general.
Maddox: Well, that's what they're told.
Dick: Of course.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Who are we to say that a belief system…that's what they believe, right? So I'm factoring that into their decision-making.
Maddox: But it's trivial to dismantle that philosophy. And the way to dismantle that philosophy is to be intelligent about it, and the way to be intelligent is education a la Malala Yousafzai.
Dick: Well, those better be our schools if they're going up.
Maddox: Yeah. Dick, before we go on. That's all I got on that problem…on that solution, rather. Before we go on, I have one of your favorite segments here.
Dick: Oh, fuck.
Maddox: Yeah.
Ritzy theme music starts, "DICK VERSUS DICK!!" (deep voice)
Dick: I hate this fucking segment.
Maddox: (laughing) I love it so much. This one is sent in by Edward Smith, so that's who you can thank for this.
Dick: Great. Fuck you, Edward.
Maddox: (laughing) You haven't even heard it! It might be a bust! Okay, here's…
Dick: Look at the smile on your face…(Maddox giggles) That's how I know it's a good one.
Maddox: Here's what you said a couple episodes back. Listen to this.
Dick: Alright.
Clip of Dick: "Have you ever gotten an STD?" Maddox: No. Dick: (scoffs) I never have either.
Maddox: (laughing) Okay, you remember saying that, Dick?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah. Here's what you said on another episode. (laughing)
Clip of Dick: "I got chlamydia" and I was like ohhh, I started laughing. 'Cause it's gross, and it's happened to me before, so it's like, "Oh, that's funny.") (Maddox laughs)
Dick: No, no, no, no. But you took that quote out of context.
Maddox: Oh yeah? (grinning)
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because remember when I was telling you the other day or the other episode that I remember everything I say, because that's what makes a good liar.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Did that…that was with you.
Maddox: Yeah. You said that, yes.
Dick: I remember everything I say. And that specifically, what I was saying was, that girl called me up, that I banged at Burning Man, and said "I have chlamydia". That wasn't me saying "I have chlamydia". That's what she said on the phone call with me. Did you find that clip, or did he send that in?
Maddox: He sent that in.
Dick: He took it out of context! What was his name?
Maddox: Edward.
Dick: Hey, fuck you Edward. I know everything I said ever. You try to bust me on out-of-context shit again, I will bust…I will shoot a Cracker Jack right up your ass, pal! Fuck you! I did not say I have chlamydia. (Maddox laughs) I have never had chlamydia, that I know of.
Maddox: (laughing) But Dick, at the tail end of that clip, you said that you had it.
Dick: No, that the phone call had happened to me before.
Maddox: Ohhh, is that what it was.
Dick: Her saying…her calling me and saying, "I have chlamydia", and I was laughing, 'cause the phone call had happened to me before.
Maddox: Oh, there you go, Dick.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Dick Versus Dick. Not so much, is it?
Maddox: Point, counterpoint.
Dick: Point, counterpoint. (grins)
Maddox: You know what that is? That's Dick Versus Dick Versus Dick. (laughs)
Dick: Alright. You ready for my next solution?
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Beer.
Maddox: (laughing) Alright. What's the…
Dick: Beer.
Maddox: How's that a solution, Dick?
Dick: Look. You remember you were talking about meat?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And how it's, like, shaped our physiology and our genealogy to be smart?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Beer has built our entire civilization.
Maddox: Nope.
Dick: Yep.
Maddox: False.
Dick: Absolutely true. You gotta watch this documentary called, "How Beer Saved the World". Okay?
Maddox: (laughs) Okay. Sounds like it's balanced. It sounds like it's gonna be real fair and objective.
Dick: Hey, shut the fuck up. (Maddox laughs) So, human beings as we are have existed for 100,000 years, right?
Maddox: True.
Dick: Civilizations have only been around for 10,000 years.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: You know what happened 10,000 years ago?
Maddox: We discovered beer? (grinning)
Dick: We discovered beer. That's right, Maddox.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: Yeah. So you think of wheat, right? The grain.
Maddox: Yeah. I think of it all the time.
Dick: You think…yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: They made this to make bread out of, right?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Not so much. New evidence is saying that they grew that grain specifically to make beer and that the leftovers were turned into bread. How about that?
Maddox: Dick, do you think they made beer before bread?
Dick: (excited, yelling) Yeah, um, okay. Who's making things? Who's making things?
Maddox: Men.
Dick: Busted up men…(Maddox chuckles)…who are pissed off at everything! Everybody's constantly fucking picking on them! (yelling) "Hey, where's the meat today? Did you kill any wolves today? Did you kill any bears today? Did you kill any shit today?" Would you shut the fuck up!? I need this beverage! I NEED it!!! (Maddox chuckling) Can you imagine me as a primitive man waking up and busting my ass to make a loaf of bread? No! I'll just eat more meat! But you can't track and hunt beer, can you?
Maddox: Mm. Well.
Dick: No. I've gotta grow a bunch of grain.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I've gotta harvest it. I've gotta whip it up. I've gotta get a big vat, stir it up…I gotta pray to GOD that I got some yeast falling into it somewhere…
Maddox: Okay, Dick. I gotta call…I gotta call bullshit on this. Because if you think about the process of making beer. You have to grow it. Then you have to store it in a vat somewhere and mix it with a bunch of liquids and make it ferment…
Dick: Water.
Maddox: And then you get the alcohol, right. Liquid. Uh, water, sure.
Dick: Yeah. (scoffs)
Maddox: So you let it ferment and then you make this alcohol substance out of it.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: But, uh…if you have grains that are just sitting there, and you're thinking…as a primitive man, you're thinking, "Well, I'm fucking hungry. What have I got to eat?" and you look around and there's weeds and rocks and shit. You put everything in your mouth and your butthole and you see what's what. Right?
Dick: Right.
Maddox: But then you walk over to the grains, and you think, "Well, what is this thing? Can I eat it as is? No! That's fucking too hard and gross and crunchy, and then you grind it up and you think "Well, this is powder, it tastes a little bit better." What if I mix this powder with some water and add some heat to it? Wow! You got bread. I think that's way more likely than them mixing it up with water and then letting it sit for a long time…I think they discovered beer by accident.
Dick: They did! And then they figured out how to make it. That's what I'm saying. It's way easier to kill a thing than to make bread.
Maddox: No, I think making bread's way easier than making beer.
Dick: I don't think bread is as important as you think it is. To cavemen.
Maddox: Well, I'm not saying it's important, no. But…(stammers) look. They found that in the teeth records of fossils, they have little microscopic stones that have etches fissures in their teeth, and they found that because they ground bread with primitive tools and there were little rocks in the bread that they made.
Dick: What do you mean, they ground bread? You mean they ground wheat?
Maddox: Wheat, rather, yeah. To make bread.
Dick: To make beer! (Maddox laughs) They don't know, because the type that they were making in this thing I read said it was better for making beer than it was for making bread.
Maddox: What, the ground flour?
Dick: The type of grain that they were growing. The type of wheat that they were growing.
Maddox: Yeah, but that's not evidence that…okay, so what do you got?
Dick: My next point…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So these women…mostly…beer was mostly made by women in Mesopotamia. Right?
Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah.
Dick: So beer is an equal opportunity employer.
Maddox: Mmkay, right. (chortles)
Dick: That's a pretty good solution right there.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: Um, law. It was the cause of law. Law is pretty important in civilization, you would say. Yes?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: So, the code of Urukagina is often cited as the very first legal code. It prescribed, as a central unit of payment, beer.
Maddox: Urukagina, huh?
Dick: Yeah. Look it up.
Maddox: Never heard of it.
Dick: Look it up, asshole.
Maddox: Doesn't sound like a solution to me.
Dick: Well, you're not a scholar like me. (Maddox laughs) Beer is the solution! Look, why else would you need a law? Why else would you need to write down, "Look, this is what we're doing with our beer. We don't know how to make it. We do these couple things and magically, some of it turns into beer. We don't have a lot of it, but we gotta split it up evenly. Okay? We can't all kill each other to get this beer, so this is how we're gonna do it." What else would you need to write down?
Maddox: You would have to write down, oh I don't know. The square yardage of carpet you would sell. Pots that you would sell. Uh, tools. Primitive hunting tools. Those type of things. Maybe other foods that are more readily available.
Dick: That's not a law, though. What else legally would you have to write down? This is a code of law I'm saying that beer is responsible for.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know man. Is there any evidence that this was the first code of law? (laughing)
Dick: Yeah. I read it on Wikipedia.
Maddox: Oh, there you go. (grinning)
Dick: Um, it also is…the authority for this came from various female deities and goddesses who covered the production of beer, blablablabla in the enjoyment of beer. Check this out. Louis Pasteur.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You may have heard of him.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Did his first research on the fermentation that was caused by the growth of microorganisms.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: So no Louis Pasteur? No pasteurization.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, but Pasteur came, what, centuries later.
Dick: Yeah. But he still started his work in beer. I'm saying.
Maddox: But that doesn't…it's arbitrary, Dick. Can you prove that he wouldn't have discovered what he discovered had there not been beer? Maybe wine, for example. Wine's another fermented, drink, Dick. (angry)
Dick: Yeah he did do some of it with wine.
Maddox: Yeah I bet, yeah, yeah, I knew it! I fucking knew it! And you know what, wine is way easier to make than beer, because if you ever grew up on an orchard or if you had apple trees like I did growing up, you found that when apples would fall off the tree and you just leave them there for a few weeks, it'd kinda stink. It's make this, like, musky fermented smell, and you walk by and you smell it, and you're like, "Wow, that's interesting. It almost smells like vinegar." And it does. And same thing with grapes, Dick. You just walk by those things and you smell them rotting on the ground and they start to ferment naturally. That's a WAY more likely explanation than grinding up wheat, adding water to it, just magically knowing to do that, and then just sitting around waiting for it to ferment.
Dick: What are you, a chick? (Maddox laughs) You drinking caveman wine? Fuck you, I'm drinking caveman beer. You're over there in your cave with your nice rose of smelly fruits…
Maddox: Yeah, having some garlic bread, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. In the words of Angelo's mom, "What are you, gay?" (laughs)
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "And who are you, gay?!")
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs)
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are gay?!")
Dick: I'm saying beer is the root of all technology. Everything was invented, plows were invented, math was invented to keep track of fields of beer. Law was invented to cover divvying up beer among people.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are a jackass!!")
(Sound clip: Dick: "You know what? Maybe I am a fucking idiot.") (Maddox laughing)
Dick: Food purity laws. Food purity laws were invented for beer.
Maddox: Oh, wait a second, you mean like, the FDA, Dick? More government involvement?
Dick: All food purity laws.
Maddox: I want you to remember this, Dick. You're saying that food purity laws, which were the precursor to organizations like the FDA, were invented because of beer. I want you to remember that, Dick.
Dick: Maddox, I don't think that there shouldn't be some kind of agency that governs whether or not the chocolate bar I'm eating is entirely rat shit or not. Okay?
Maddox: (scoffs) You don't think so?
Dick: Yeah. That's called…that's a legitimate function of a government.
Maddox: Well, then I got a chocolate bar for you, buddy. I want you to eat it.
Dick: No, it's full of shit. That's what I'm saying. (Maddox laughs) That's illegal.
Maddox: Wait! It's illegal because of these government organizations that were created in part because of beer.
Dick: Yeah, good! They should…that's consumer protection.
Maddox: Oh, you're all for consumers now, huh?
Dick: In this instance of not eating poison, yes!!
Maddox: How do you know, Dick? Maybe you just trust someone. Hey, this guy made me a chocolate bar. His name's Maddox. It looks pretty good to me. It's a little bit chunky, but whatever.
Dick: I don't even know what you're saying. I don't understand what you're saying. (grins)
Maddox: You're gonna eat poop someday.
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox giggles) There's prehistoric evidence that shows brewing began in 5400 BC in Sumer as a way…
Maddox: (interjects) So it's a…
Dick: As a way to preserve excess grain.
Maddox: As a way to preserve excess grain. But, but…Dick, this is all speculation, man. What evidence do they really have that this was what the Sumerians did to preserve excess grain? This is a nice theory.
Dick: Look, what do you want? What do you want, a time machine?
Maddox: (stammers) Any evidence…
Dick: Just think. Use your man brain instead of your obnoxious arguing chick brain for a second…(Maddox laughs) And think about YOU as a caveman. What do you want? Do you really want a loaf of bread? No!!
Maddox: You…don't tell me what I want!! (yells)
Dick: I want the magical drink that makes me feel good and makes all women fuckable! That's what I want! It's called beer.
Maddox: (laughing) Great, Dick. But here's the thing. You don't know for a fact that cavemen had beer. In fact, I'm pretty sure they didn't. I don't think they had beer. (skeptical)
Dick: It's…Sumer did! They had it in Sumer, in Mesopotamia, what else did I say?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: The Sumerians.
Dick: Of course they had it.
Maddox: Suuure.
Dick: They had something.
Maddox: Ben Franklin drank a lot of it. Dick, I don't know. Here's the thing. People drink too much beer all the time, case in point you…
Dick: Whaaat?! (incredulous)
Maddox: And they get drunk and obnoxious, case in point, you. And they say and do things that get them thrown out of parties, like throw oranges at ping pong tables, case in point, you.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: Beer pong, rather. So, people become drunk assholes and the majority of bar scuffles…the majority of assaults, like if you go to a police crime map and look at…
Dick: 100% of bar scuffles are caused by beer. What are you talking about? (laughing)
Maddox: There you go. There you go!
Dick: Uh, that's called natural selection, asshole!
Maddox: Yeah. Natural selection? I think it's called beer muscles and beer goggles. Dude, how many ugly chicks have you banged because of beer goggles?
Dick: I have no idea. (Maddox cracks up) Do you have any stats to back that up?
Maddox: Yeah, I got a…
Dick: (interjects) You fucking idiot. Do you have any proof for that?
Maddox: Yeah, I got a clip for you, here. I got this.
(Sound clip: Dick: "I got chlamydia.") (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Is that what we're doing now? We're taking quotes out of context like that? We're splicing 'em up, like Sneakers? My voice is my fucking passport?
Maddox: Dick, I have never not taken one of your clips out of context.
Dick: That's my solution.
Maddox: Your solution is beer.
Dick: The root of all technology is beer, man.
Maddox: I don't think so, man.
Dick: The only cure for ugliness: beer. And insecurity? Oh, baby. Beer.
Maddox: No, it's not! First of all, if you get drunk and you bang an ugly person, guess what? You've got an ugly baby. That's a problem that lasts you a lifetime!
Dick: You would know.
Maddox: And also…is there any…(cracks up) Fuck you, Dick! Is there any evidence that shows that beer came before meat? 'Cause I fucking guarantee it didn't!
Dick: Well, yeah, there's evidence that it did not come before meat, 'cause meat's, like, a part of an animal. (laughing)
Maddox: Exactly.
Dick: What the fuck are you talking about?
Maddox: So it can't possibly be the root of all technology, 'cause meat is, Dick!
Dick: What's more important, these stupid brains? Or? Or? A reason to build all this technology? What do you want? Without beer, we'd still just be running around naked with no PlayStations, or Dark Souls, or space travel, or Internet? We'd have none of that stuff without beer.
Maddox: (giggling) Dick, that is pure speculation. (Dick laughs) And absolute HORSESHIT! (yells) And I'm not gonna stand for it! Meat was the solution! Meat is what made our brains explode in size, and meat is the precipitous moment on our evolution where we started building tools to burn, and hunt, and create cooked food, and it saved us time from having to hunt and gather. Not beer, which made us drunk assholes. Sitting around banging ugly chicks. That's your solution to things? (laughing)
Dick: Ugly guys, too.
Maddox: Yeah, ugly guys, too. Sure.
Dick: We'll see. I guess we'll see what the voting says. Beer or meat? What's the bigger solution?
Maddox: It's meat. (laughing) You fuckin' assholes. I know you idiots are gonna vote it up.
Dick: (sighs) I guess we'll see, Maddox. We'll see who gets to play what song next month.
Maddox: Yeah. (sighs)
Dick: What's your next solution?
Maddox: My next solution, and a real solution for a change…is "Income-based Fines"!
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Yeah? Have you ever heard of this? You know what this is?
Dick: No.
Maddox: So, here's the scenario, Dick. Where two people commit a crime. Let's say they both commit the same crime.
Dick: 'Kay.
Maddox: Both are the same race, same gender, same age. Both went to a four-year college. Same everything, right? Except one of these people gets fined 2% of his income and the other one gets fined almost 0% of his income. Do you think that's fair?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: (laughing) Why is that fair?
Dick: 'Cause I know the point you're trying to make.
Maddox: Yeah. I KNOW! I know. (angry) So you won't be honest! You always have to be a contrarian.
Dick: Well, no. Because I don't think…uh, keep going. Something in me tells me that these fines are not supposed to be punitive.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, this is exactly the scenario that people face every day…
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: When they're fined 500$, for say, running a red light. So, if you make 30,000$ per year, that's 2% of your income, and that's…most accountants made, like, 30 to 40,0000$ in middle America, right?
Dick: Yeah. Right.
Maddox: That's almost an entire week's worth of your wages. But if you make 200,000$ per year, which is not out of line for most lawyers and doctors, that won't even put a dent in your wallet. You make about 100$ per hour at that rate, and you can pay that fine off with 5 hours of your work.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Right? So, how do you punish someone like that? When you punish somebody for a crime with incarceration, it's called a day fine. There's a name for this, it's called a "day fine". Because you're incarcerated for a certain number of days, or a fine, which is effectively a financial punishment, right?
Dick: Yeah. True.
Maddox: So why are we punishing some people a different rate than another? So each day you spend incarcerated is effectively a day that you're not allowed to work, so it's a day you go without your income. So, certain countries have started employing fees based on your income level.
Dick: Really, like who? Germany? Australia?
Maddox: (giggles) Germany is one of them, actually.
Dick: Yeah. Of course they are. They always do this shit.
Maddox: No, but Finland, Sweden, Denmark, Croatia.
Dick: Ehhhh, I dunno.
Maddox: The city of Macau! These are some of the countries with the lowest crime rates in the world!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. You think that's not a solution?
Dick: Well, it's just…it pops out to me that those countries are also, like, homogenous countries.
Maddox: What does that mean, homogenous?
Dick: Like, a lot of the same people with the same background and, you know, the same social status…like Germany is full of Germans. It's very different than America. (Maddox giggles) We got a whole cross section of people.
Maddox: No, there are a bunch of…no. No! But not all these countries. Like Macau, for example, is a city in China that was a Portuguese…
Dick: Probably got mostly Chinese dudes in it.
Maddox: No, it was actually a Portugal colony for a long time, so…
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: It's got this, like, weird Spanish influence, in Macau?
Dick: Oh, that's interesting.
Maddox: And then…and now there's a huge pocket of Russians who have just taken over all the casinos, and then you have the Chinese, and then you have people from Hong Kong, and you have people from mainland China. It's a melting pot.
Dick: Well, lemme say…what you're proposing is interesting.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I'm against exorbitant fines on the surface. Like, when I see a fine, when I see, like a parking ticket or a speeding ticket, I always wonder what the minimum wage is, how that would effect someone who makes minimum wage.
Maddox: Do you really?
Dick: Yeah. Because that's how much the government says you should make. Right? Federal minimum wage.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: So how much would this cost of a person's life if they were making minimum wage.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And it's always insane.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's like an entire week.
Maddox: Right. That's what I started with, yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: It's a week's worth of your salary.
Dick: And that's just way, way, way too much.
Maddox: Right! So you're agreeing with me.
Dick: But I dunno what, should it be, what, a day?
Maddox: No! It shouldn't be a day. The fee should be…there is a nominal fee that's the standard fee that they charge everybody. And in Sweden, I think the police have the option to charge you based on your income based on the egregiousness of the crime.
Dick: Ooh, I don't like that.
Maddox: Well, yeah. (laughs)
Dick: I don't like cops getting, like…to use their own judgment like that.
Maddox: Aah? That's what they do!! Because rich people can afford to pay petty fines more readily than poor people. They can break laws more often with impunity. Now, countries with income-based fines…so, I mentioned like, Finland, Sweden, etc.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: In 2010, a Swedish driver was fined 962,000$ for driving 180 miles per hour on the motorway.
Dick: Ohohoho!! That's fast.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. It was so fast, their speed detection meters didn't even pick it up. They level off at 125.
Dick: Wow.
Maddox: They had to catch this guy by camera and they had to look at the frames to see how many frames he passed in a certain amount of time.
Dick: Well, I already got one problem with your solution, then. If that guy's gotta spend a million bucks, or Krones, was it dollars that he had to pay?
Maddox: That's in dollars.
Dick: 962,000$?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: He's gonna spend 962$ fighting that ticket in court.
Maddox: 962,000, you mean?
Dick: Thousand dollars trying to fight that ticket. He's not just gonna get his checkbook out and say, "Sure thing, jerkoffs! Here's a million dollars." He's gonna say, "Okay, well, I'm rich. I have this much money, so I'm gonna tie up your stupid system with this money until I'm dead."
Maddox: Yeah, but Dick, that goes down on the record. If he's going to do that, if he's going to drag the court through that kind of mud…and also the judge, by the way, fined him for it. You're wrong, 'cause he did actually pay that fee!
Dick: Oh, he can't even appeal it?
Maddox: No, you can appeal it.
Dick: That's how fucked…
Maddox: (interjects) You CAN appeal it. You have one week to appeal the police officer's judgment. If the police officer decides to give you a petty fine? You can just pay the petty fine, which is something like 115 Euros, or if the police officer says, "Hey, dickhead. You were driving 180 miles per hour on the expressway?" By the way, it takes you half a mile, that's 0.8 kilometers, to come to a complete stop at that speed. That's reckless! You're just being a prick. And he can do that and drive with impunity, because he's rich and he can pay for any fucking fine!
Dick: Oh, so poor people don't behave like assholes and shoot guns into the air?
Maddox: Well, sure!
Dick: How fucking reckless is that?
Maddox: Well, sure they can! But poor people are punished disproportionately for the same crime.
Dick: Yeah, but I really…dude, I'm just against the government treating people like individuals. (Maddox chuckles) It's not their…no, no…it's not their…and I phrased that stupidly, but it's not in their…it shouldn't be in their scope to judge you based on how much money you make. I really don't think it should. I'm with you that people who are making minimum wage shouldn't be punished like that…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of the government treating you and fining you based on how much money you make.
Maddox: Why?
Dick: I don't know. I think they should just treat everybody like an individual. Like, they shouldn't start meddling in your taxes to get how much you owe on a tax return.
Maddox: You just…you just contradicted yourself. You said earlier you don't want the government to treat people like individuals, and now you just said that you do. Which one is it?
Dick: No, cops.
Maddox: Oh, cops.
Dick: I don't want cops. I don't want cops to be able to abuse authority. Like, I don't want them to have the ability to say, "Hey, do what I want or I might nail you with this million dollar ticket." That's like…that's a disaster waiting to happen, to me.
Maddox: Well, sure. But you can appeal that if you need to. Like, if a cop has some kind of grudge against you, or some vendetta, and he wants to give you a million dollar fine, you can appeal that in court.
Dick: No, it's more sinister than that. I don't want them to have that ability with people on the side of the road. Like, I don't want that. I don't want that to be a thing that happens in America.
Maddox: Well, you…they base it on what income level you state. But they can check it, so…it's kind of like an honor system. So if you want to abuse the system, they can abuse the system.
Dick: Oh, it's an honor system!? (excited)
Maddox: It's an honor system.
Dick: I'm 100% for it.
Maddox: (laughing) Hoookay. Here you go, Dick.
Dick: I make nothing.
Maddox: Yeah. Except they can check it, and if they do find that you lied, then the fine is significantly more.
Dick: So it's like Scrabble?
Maddox: (chuckles) Yeah.
Dick: Stupid.
Maddox: So a millionaire Ferrari driver was fined 290,000$ for driving 60 in a 30-mile-per-hour zone by Swiss courts. And the head of Nokia got fined 103,000$ for speeding in 2002. This is all from NBC News.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: So this system is working, Dick. I remember…
Dick: Wait, you say, "working", are less people speeding? Or did the government just make a bunch of money? What's working?
Maddox: Well, it gives people a disincentive to speed. The rich people.
Dick: Those people got fucked, right?
Maddox: Yeah! Great.
Dick: Does that mean…did it work? 'Cause people said red light cameras worked 'cause they were writing a bunch of tickets.
Maddox: Well, yeah, that's true.
Dick: But it made things more dangerous. So which…how does it work?
Maddox: Well, it works by disincentivizing…it works by at least leveling the field with rich people and poor people.
Dick: You don't have stats for this, though?
Maddox: No, I don't.
Dick: Yeah…okay.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So you agree with the premise of the initiative.
Maddox: Well, of course. But they tried it in the UK, and in the UK they rejected it. I think they tried it from 1992 to 1993.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And they found that…well, the problem with the UK, the way they tried to approach it is they didn't look at the means and your ability to repay that penalty. So if you made, say, a million dollars last year, but you get paid once every 5 years or so, that's not a lot of money amortized over five years. So they need to look at your means and your ability to pay that. Or, for example, if you came into a huge inheritance and you broke the law, and you happened to be mentally or physically disabled and they suddenly slam you with this, like, 500,000$ fee and you're not able to ever repay that, then they need to take that into consideration. But the Finnish and Swedish laws are much more…they take into consideration your ability to survive. They're not going to fine you into oblivion. They've given you an allowance for, I think 300 Euros per month? They will not fine you more than that…more than your ability to repay or to live and to survive, and if you have mouths to feed, they allow an exception for those as well.
Dick: You know what my problem with this is? It's very simple. I don't think the government should be training us. I don't think they should be setting up these disincentives to speed. And stuff like, where there's a fine. Like, what if this was…what if this existed for, like, smoking weed? So you're walking around with a joint and you're a regular dude, it's a 10$ fine, but if you're rich, you get, like, a 300,000$ fine? I don't think it's the government's job to train you on how to act.
Maddox: It's not training, Dick. It's just fairness. It's right across the board. Fairness.
Dick: Yeah, but I don't think it is fair!
Maddox: Well…(stammers) Dick, essentially, it's a flat fee for everybody! How is that…that is literally the definition of fair! The same thing for everybody! (yelling) Everybody gets fined 1% of their income across the board, bam!
Dick: So what about…what about two millionaires who…one's better at hiding his income than the other? Then what?
Maddox: Well, then I guess there's injustice in this world, Dick. It's not perfect. If someone's good at hiding their money, sure. (Dick chuckles)
Dick: Uh, okay. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. But if you know that they're a millionaire…first of all, this cop, I guess, the guy that pulled over the dude who was driving 180,000 miles per hour?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I think he was driving something like a 200,000…or…yeah. I think it was, like, a 240,000$ Mercedes. Uh, and he saw that car, and he's like, "Okay, well this guy's got money, regardless of his income." He can at least give him a fine that is worth a percentage of the car that he is driving. So if a millionaire gets pulled over at the VERY LEAST, they can evaluate the worth of his car and say, "Okay, well you're definitely paying more than the petty fine."
Dick: Oh, wow. A lot of smarts…that we're crediting these cops for.
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)
Dick: So, let's say you get pulled over for doing 80.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's a common occurrence. Do you really want to drive around on the freeways, afraid of getting a ticket for going 80 miles an hour 'cause you might get hit with a 6000$ fine?
Maddox: Well, no.
Dick: Like, there's a middle ground. I know it's easy to say a guy driving a Ferrari deserves to pay a million dollars, but what about the rest of us?
Maddox: You're not gonna pay a million dollars, Dick. It's always gonna be a percentage of your income.
Dick: A couple thousand!
Maddox: Well, sure. But it's…it's up to a certain amount. So, for example, the Swedish courts have even decided that if the crime does not fit this kind of punishment…for example, if you go 20 above, then…this is the controversial part of this law. If you go 20 above…
Dick: (scoffs) The application.
Maddox: Well, no, no. But this specifically, what I'm getting into. If you go 20 above, they're not going to level this kind of fee, because they say, "Okay, well that's a common thing. A lot of people go 20 above." But if you go beyond that, like, say, 30 above, or 40 above, that's when they start leveling this fee. So up until a certain amount, they give you the standard fee, but then the controversy is that if you go 1 mile above that, so if you go 21 miles per hour, you're susceptible to this fee. And it's up to the cop. If you're gonna be a dickhead about it, then yeah, maybe the cop's gonna give you that fine and you could contest it in court and try to make your case.
Dick: Well, that might start at 20 miles an hour over, but in a couple of years, it'll be at 0 miles per hour over. Like, why would they stop?
Maddox: But Dick, it's been like this for years and they haven't raised the minimum.
Dick: Yeah, but it ain't America. That's what America's great at, man. Being corrupt as shit.
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah.
Dick: That's what we do.
Maddox: Yeah. I dunno, Dick. They got it working. Really low crime…when I went to Sweden last year, it was one of the safest places I've ever been to. I was walking down the street one day and I noticed my shoelace was untied, so I bent over to tie it and I was in front of this coffee shop with this giant window in the front, and this lady kept…by the way, hot as shit…everyone in Sweden is hot as shit and it PISSES me off. (giggles) Anyway, this lady was hot as shit, and she kept turning around and looking at me, like "Hey baby, you like me tying my shoes? Yeah!"
Dick: Mmm.
Maddox: You like what you see?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I know those lines. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah, I can tie your shoes. (laughs)
Dick: (laughing) Hubba, hubba.
Maddox: So…yeah. So she kept staring at me, and I'm like, "What is this chick staring at me for?" And then I look up and I notice that I'm standing right in front of her baby carriage with her baby in it. (Dick cracks up) That she left outside while she's getting a coffee! That's what kind of society Sweden is. Stockholm, rather.
Dick: Yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: Because it's so safe. I saw very little graffiti anywhere. Most people were taken care of, of course, the disparity between the rich and poor is pretty big and there's a lot of weird things in the society, but it's a REALLY safe society. It's really, really safe.
Dick: Yeah, they're all the same people. It's not like here.
Maddox: No, they're not. They got black…well no, they don't. I didn't see any black…I saw two black people while I was there and one of them was Obama on TV.
Dick: They've been there for 10s of thousands of years! Er, they've been there for…like they're…we all just got here.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You know? There's a shitload of different people here. It's different! It's different, I think, than those Nordic countries.
Maddox: I think the Nordic countries were established the SECOND we discovered meat, baby!
Dick: (chuckles) Alright. You got anything else? You got anything else on your radical, aggressive, communist ticketing policy?
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Yeah. Just charge everyone a fair rate! The same rate across the board! So you're not in…
Dick: (interjects) But why do you want to stop speeding in the first place!? I thought you loved speeding on the freeways!
Maddox: It's not just speeding! I…I do…I fucking love speeding, Dick! It's my favorite thing to do in the world! (yells)
Dick: What do you want to stop, then?
Maddox: I just…all crimes across the board. Charge everyone the same rate. The same percentage of their income. So that all people…so suddenly you're not…(stammers) so, poor people, for example, in Los Angeles and New York, and Chicago, big cities…they're charged these parking fines that cost 60, 70, 80$ per day, right? I talked to this barista one time who was CRYING while she was making my coffee. I'm like, "Please don't put tears in my coffee."
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: She was crying because she got a 73$ ticket. She said, "Well, today I worked for free." Because she got a parking ticket. She's not making much money. She's making minimum wage! So to her, a 73$ means a lot more than some fucking dickhead, who, by the way…at my old apartment, there was this guy who drove his Ferrari. He owned a business around the corner and he parked it at the meter every day and just had his assistant pay for the tickets. He didn't give a shit!
Dick: Well. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, wow. What a cool guy. Meanwhile…
Dick: Yeah, that is a cool guy! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah…meanwhile, this barista is just crying tears into my coffee and I have to drink SALTY FUCKING COFFEE because this dickhead Ferrari driver doesn't have to pay the same fee across the board! That's not fair, Dick!
Dick: Why stop there, Maddox? Why don't we do the same thing with healthcare?
Maddox: What do you mean?
Dick: Huh? Make rich people pay, uh…you know, 200,000$ a year to get basic healthcare. Why not just throw monopoly pricing onto everything?
Maddox: Because there's not an incentive for rich people to break the law…or, disincentive. They can break laws with impunity right now, as it is. But with healthcare, they're paying for a service! It's not like you use more if you're richer. But as a rich person, you have no reason to follow laws, because you just pay it off. You can do whatever you want like that kid who had affluenza. You remember that kid, who hit someone, while drunk driving?
Dick: Yeah! I remember these, like, couple cases of rich people, but I'm talking about the rest of us…look, I don't want the rest of us to just be deathly afraid of getting speeding tickets, for fuck's sake! I don't want that barista to be afraid of it, but I don't want everyone to be AFRAID of getting tickets.
Maddox: Well, it's not. If you're not driving egregiously over the speed limit, look. Up to 20 miles an hour? I'll get a ticket if we're going 80 over 60. For sure! That's not a big deal.
Dick: What about 81?
Maddox: Well, then you…(stammers) you know what? You can address that…
Dick: (interjects) Straight to prison, then. (Maddox and Dick laugh)
Maddox: You can make it a scale, Dick. It doesn't have to be black and white. It can be 1 mile above, you pay an extra 1%, two miles above, you pay an extra 2%, and so on.
Dick: Oh, man.
Maddox: And it just steeps up to a certain percentage! It doesn't have…(yelling) there are SOLUTIONS to these things with math, Dick!!!!
Dick: I don't know what the difference is between tickets and electricity, then. The government's giving you tickets, they're giving you electricity, why don't they just start monopolizing everything?
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are a shithead!!") (Maddox giggles)
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You are a jackass!!")
Dick: Hey…is that it? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No.
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: "You dumb shit!")
Dick: Is that it with your problem, I mean?
Maddox: (laughing) Oh, yeah, yeah. That's all I got on my problem. (laughing)
Dick: Alright, that's what I got. What are your problems for this episode? MINE ARE…
Maddox: No, no. Solutions, Dick! We're doing the solutions.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Sorry, sorry, sorry. What are your solutions? My solutions are…"Ask for a Raise", which is gonna win…and…I'm calling my shots now, 'cause I've been winning so much. "Ask for a Raise", and "Beer".
Maddox: The shittiest phrasing! I hate that phrasing for it. "Ask for a Raise". (Dick giggles) "Asking for a Raise" is a solution! "Ask for a Raise" is not. You're just saying things. Anyway, my solution is…"Malala Yousafzai", hero. Badass.
Dick: Oh. (scoffs) Great.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay, great Dick. (Dick laughs) And…"Income-based Fines", which makes sense!! Anyway guys.
(Heavy metal theme riff starts)
Maddox: Tell your friends with cochlear implants about this show…don't forget to vote for the biggest solution on our website.
Dick: Dasvidanya, comrade.
(muffled talking, laughing)