Problem: Being Black [00:12:01]
Problem: Wallets [00:57:44]
Problem: Google Delegators [01:15:08]
Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 93
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s! Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Being Black to Radio Shack! (Dick and Sean laugh) With over 5 million downloads (giggles), this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what’s up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Sean: Hello!
Maddox: Welcome back, guys.
Dick: Hey! Radio Shack. Big problem.
Maddox: Radio Shack.
Dick: I think we can all agree with that, right? (laughing)
Maddox: Oh, my gosh, yeah. Nonstop. Nonstop problems.
Dick: Oh, man. So many receipts come outta that fucking place!
Maddox: They do generate a lot of receipts.
Dick: How’d we do?
Maddox: Huge, huge problem.
Dick: Speaking of receipts.
Maddox: Speaking of receipts, Dick.
(Sound effect: Drumroll….cymbal)
Maddox: The biggest problem in the universe last week was…Confirmation Bias.
Dick: Nooooo.
Maddox: Followed by Internet Addiction.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And then Burning Your Mouth on Hot Food.
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: And surprisingly, Receipts…everything was a problem last week.
Dick: Yeah, it is!!
Maddox: Right?
Dick: That’s a success! We did it!! We didn’t fuck up!
Maddox: These are the problems we discussed last week. Everyone agreed that everything was a problem, but Confirmation Bias was the biggest.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Followed by Internet Addiction.
Dick: Isn’t that ironic, though?
Maddox: How’s that?
Dick: Like, that confirmation bias being a problem would be voted all the way up? I mean, aren’t you kind of, like, voting up that it’s…like, isn’t that biased in and of itself?
Maddox: That confirmation bias is a problem?
Dick: Yeah, that’s like slacktivism being a problem.
Maddox: Only if you…
Dick: (interjects) Okay, you’re voting it up, though! Of course you think it is.
Maddox: Only if you thought that confirmation bias was a problem before you listened to the show.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: And before we move on, I need to also introduce…we have a guest in-studio today, Denzel, welcome to the show!
Denzel: Hola, hola!
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: Hey!
Maddox: So, Denzel…
Dick: (interjects) Denzel is a very good friend of mine.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Let me say that.
Maddox: He’s a long-time fan of the show. A friend of the show. I’ll say that. He came to the live taping of our show, the YouTube episodes that everyone hated. (Denzel laughs) He was there for that.
Dick: Did you hate those?
Denzel: No, I liked it. I liked it a lot.
Dick: Okay, good answer. Good answer.
Maddox: Yeah, but he’s here. He’s here right now. You know. We’ll see the comments. (Denzel laughs) With your shadow accounts, see what comments you leave. But also, Denzel…very talented IT worker. You work in that industry, right? In that field?
Denzel: Yes.
Maddox: And he…
Dick: (interjects) And there’s a very special reason why he’s here. Can I say? Can we tease that? (Denzel chuckles) Right up front?
Maddox: Well, before…we’ll get to that.
Dick: We’ll get to it!
Maddox: I’m still doing the intro.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: He also helped a friend of the show, Tom Phillips, from gameobliterator.biz, create his website.
Denzel: Yes.
Maddox: Yeah. Tom Phillips, who if the listeners remember, sent in some game reviews.
Denzel: Right.
Maddox: And we sent him to Germany, to E3 over there.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So, yeah. He helped create Tom Phillips’ website. Thank you, Denzel.
Dick: It’s a great website. It looks really awful.
Denzel: Ohoho! Man.
Dick: That was the point of it, right?
Denzel: Yes.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: You nailed it.
Denzel: Oh, thank you.
Maddox: Tom Phillips designed it. So what’d you want to say, Dick? You wanted to tease that he’s here for a very important reason.
Dick: He’s here for a very important reason! That we’ll get to.
Maddox: Okay. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: We’ll get to.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: I like to tease, man!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You know that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Alright, you got any comments before we…
Maddox: (interjects) I do. I got a comment from Jackson McIver. It’s an email he sent me…
Dick: Jackson McGuyver? Or McIver?
Maddox: McIver.
Dick: Oh. (disappointed)
Maddox: McIver.
Dick: Lame.
Maddox: He says, “You don’t pay more…” so, he’s talking about the problem of Internet addiction, and why Internet addiction is such a big problem. I didn’t even get to this in the episode, but he says, “You don’t pay more for taking on more Internet, like you do when you buy 16 beers instead of three.”
Dick: Huh.
Maddox: So that’s a good point. ‘Cause you have Internet as much as you want It’s a one-time fee and you can use it 24 hours a day if you want. “There’s no physical aversion to too much Internet. You don’t get full, you don’t get too drunk, and you don’t pass out. You don’t overdose and die and you don’t go blind from fapping too much.” And then also, he said, “If you’re fapping while on the Internet, you’re triggering the most powerful instinct in your brain; the instinct of reproduction.”
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So we are linking the Internet with our own survival.
Dick: Yeah. You get carpal tunnel, though.
Maddox: It says here…
Sean: Well, that’s…first of all…
Dick: (interjects) You will get carpal tunnel.
Sean: That’s what the Internet is for.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: And then also, people do die. You said…you had examples last week.
Maddox: Yeah, that’s actually true.
Sean: I mean from, like, I know there was an Asian kid who didn’t get up to take a piss?
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: For, like, 48 hours or something like that.
Maddox: Yeah, multiple people die, yeah. Kids…kids die because parents slam them into closets. Uh, “Your brain thinks it’s time for the Internet, which means it’s time for sex, which means ‘It’s time for my literal reason for existing’. Why aren’t you on the Internet? Go on the Internet. Check the Internet. There might be new tits you haven’t see on the Internet.”
Dick: It’s true.
Maddox: You need new tits. I’m sick of the old tits. Go get new tits.
Dick: Have you ever tried masturbating without the Internet?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It’s hard. (they all laugh)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It is! It is.
Maddox: I felt…I felt naked without the Internet. Like, when I was masturbating without it?
Dick: Were you naked?
Maddox: I was naked, but, like…
Dick: Okay. (Maddox and Denzel chuckle) Also, metaphorically, you felt naked.
Maddox: Also. (laughs) I felt metaphorically naked as well, yeah.
Dick: I find myself…if I don’t have access to the Internet and I have to masturbate, I have to think about getting on the Internet. (Sean laughs) I fantasize about what I would be looking at on the Internet.
Maddox: Yeah. Mhmm. I…I imagine myself hitting Ctrl-T to open up a new tab.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Or Ctrl-Shift-N.
Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah? For the Incognito Window?
Dick: Uh-huh. That’s all….
Maddox: Denzel, you know. Denzel’s nodding.
Denzel: Yes.
Dick: How many free previews can I watch at this site?
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Denzel:, Oh, dude. That’s why you open and close the incognito window, so you can use as many free previews as you want!
Dick: OH, MY GOD!
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You’ve just increased my jerking off powers!!
Denzel: Yeah!
Dick: You could totally do that!
Denzel: Super clutch.
Maddox: Dick’s gonna think about you, Denzel, next time he jerks off.
Dick: I will now.
Denzel: Good. More people should.
Dick: Great. Alright, here’s some comments on burning your mouth.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Maddox likes to…complain that, you know, burning your mouth is a big problem. There isn’t a big problem, but…then says the q-tips, those are huge problems, people are going deaf. (Maddox groans) Well, I’ve burnt my mouth on food, and I’ve never gone deaf thanks to a q-tip. (Denzel chuckles) So…you know. Point one, Dick.”
Maddox: Yeah.
“Maddox, you’re fucking retarded.”(Dick cracks up) And you should, like, go to school or something. Do what the smart people do.”
Maddox: Yeah.
“Fucking retard.”
Maddox: Mhmm.
“Sean, bring in a fucking problem.”)
Maddox: Yeah, Sean!
Dick: Yeah, Sean.
Sean: I got a LOT of emails this week!
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: I got a shitload of e…did you do this?
Dick: Do you know why? Yeah. ‘Cause I put on the intro for the last episode, “Will Sean bring in a problem? Will a bunch of people find his email on the WHO page and pressure him into it? We’ll find out on the next episode. (Denzel and Maddox laugh)”
Sean: You can tell I never go to the site, huh.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Um, so that guy’s an idiot. I don’t know. I don’t know if what we just heard was brilliant satire, or…just the ramblings of a dullard. And I think it’s the latter.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Because…because…if it was brilliant satire, he would be using confirmation bias to call in and make the case that q-tips never have made him go deaf, whereas he has definitely burnt the roof of his mouth on hot food. Also, it’s an incompetence problem. I saw a comment on Soundcloud. Someone commented, and they said, (goofy voice) “Hey Maddox, um, so…burning your mouth on…on hot food is an incompetence problem, but jamming a q-tip in your ear is not?”
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: (goofy voice) “How is that not an incompetence problem?” You guys are all idiots. You didn’t pay attention to the part of my problem where I said it’s an addiction.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: They are saying that it’s comparable to smoking a cigarette. And I’ve been trying. Since I brought in that problem, trying not to use q-tips, and I keep forgetting it’s an impulse at this point. And it didn’t use to be so bad, but there’s this little tingle in your ear, and you have to itch it! Every single time, you feel it!
Dick: Really? I’ve been trying to use them like you do. Where I can, like, get off from it?
Maddox: Yeah. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: I can’t figure it out. Like, I still just use it to get the water out of my ear. And then I throw it away.
Maddox: See, there wouldn’t be water in your ear if you didn’t take the wax out. The wax prevents water from going in your ear.
Dick: No, no. Like…around, like, my ear…like, the parts of my ear that are, like, flappy.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, I’m taking my headphones off right now so you can see. Right there.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. You don’t use a towel?
Dick: Well, yeah. But you can’t get a towel in there.
Maddox: You don’t need to. You just wipe it off with a towel.
Dick: Look, you and I are gonna have to shower together. (Maddox and Denzel laugh) So we can get this all figured out. I don’t know what the fuck you’re doing in there. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I gotta watch and take notes.
Maddox: For the bonus…we’re gonna do it for the bonus episode coming up!
Dick: Yeah. Alright, I got another voice mail here.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hey, it’s Dustin from Grand Junction, Colorado! I just wanted to say that…Dick’s rants are amazing.”
Dick: Oh, thanks.
"And...as a (inaudible) of a child who is hard of hearing and has to have hearing aids..."
Maddox: Q-tips. (giggles)
"...I would love so much for somebody that is proficient in sign language to do one of Dick's rants in sign language."
Dick: Would that be funny?
"I would do it myself..."
Dick: That'd be pretty funny.
"...BUT, that having been said, I'm not female, so...when you see a female, like, signing really hard - "
(message cuts off)
Dick: Oh, I guess he signed...
Maddox: Yeah, that's... (laughs loudly)
Dick: He signed off on the call there. Alright, guys. (grins) But that was...that's where the call shoulda ended! Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Everybody's call...
Maddox: Yeah, we get it.
Dick: ...should be cut in half.
Maddox: There you go.
Sean: Wouldn't the sign language for one of Dick's rants just be, like, a big middle finger? Just static?
Maddox: It'd be a lot of waving, a lot of...you know, a lot of this, uh, you know, putting your hand up to the forehead and pushing your hair back, and... (stammers) Sweat, we'd need a lot of sweat. Is that...what's the sign language for "sweat"? It's just actual sweat, right?
Dick: No. That's...none of that's how sign language works. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: I think it...I think it i-...it is. Yeah.
Dick: (laughing) No. It's not like...it's not like a pantomime. (everyone laughs) Of what I'm...doing.
Sean: Yeah, he's playin'...playin' charades.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No, I saw...I saw the guy -
Dick: (interjects) It's, like, words.
Maddox: I saw the guy at Nelson Mandela's funeral in Africa...
Dick: Ohh. (chuckling)
Maddox: ...who was signing. He was doin' a great job.
Dick: Ohhh!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Alright. Well, that's -
Sean: (interjects) Nobody remembers that, but I know what you're talkin' about. (Maddox giggles)
Dick: That's a great segue to start our problems!
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Because I...look, I...you know, everyone knows that all I care about is helping society. (Denzel laughs) And addressing big problems. That's why I brought in Domestic Violence. We fixed that!
Maddox: Ohh, sure.
Dick: That's why we brought in, uh, Female Genital Mutilation. Fixed that!
Maddox: True, actually.
Dick: Right?
Maddox: Nigeria banned it.
Dick: Yeah! All here!
Maddox: Mhm.
Dick: So, I wanted us to have an episode in this February...Black History Month, right? Everyone knows that.
Maddox: Everyone knows it's Black History Month.
Dick: Yeah, but what does that even mean? Does it...it's not like Breast Cancer Month, where it's just, like, an excuse to put a black guy on a package and sell it! Right? (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. No.
Dick: 'Cause that's what Breast Cancer Mon-..."Here, put a pink ribbon on some orange juice. Here you go! You're thinking of tits now, when you're buying orange juice." They don't do that for Black History Month, do they?
Maddox: Yeah! I want there to be black people on more of my products! (Denzel laughs)
Dick: (guffaws) Yeah! I want there to be OJ on the OJ!
Maddox: Yes!
Dick: So I can think about black people while I'm buying the OJ.
Maddox: I want Cosby on my pudding! (giggles)
Dick: Yeah!!
Sean: Well, you already have...you already have Uncle Ben and Aunt Jemima. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, that's it. That's two products.
Dick: Okay, okay. Hold on.
Maddox: And those are year-round, Sean!
Denzel: Oh, shit. (grinning)
Maddox: I want specific Black History Month products.
Dick: Yeah, I want endorsements!
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: For the month!
Sean: I'm so glad he laughed at that. (Denzel and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Yeah. Okay. So Denzel is a black guy.
Denzel: Yes.
Dick: Let's...yeah.
Denzel: Confirmed.
Dick: Right out in the open.
Denzel: You can see it.
Dick: For everybody to know. Because some people thought Tim Changz was a black guy. He's not a black guy.
Maddox: No.
Dick: You can't tell over radio.
Denzel: No.
Maddox: And he...and...
Dick: He's just a skinny weirdo.
Maddox: And he's not a DJ. Fuck you, Tim Changz. (buzzer sound effect) (Dick and Sean laugh)
Denzel: Aw. That's a bummer.
Dick: So, I wanted us to have a problem that dealt with racial relations in the world and in the US, but I wanted it to come from someone who's experienced them and who's educated about them. Right?
Denzel: Yes.
Dick: And it just so happens that Denzel is both an engineer AND a Black Studies major. Correct?
Denzel: Ex-Black Studies major.
Maddox: Ex...
Dick: Whoa. EX-Black Studies major?
Maddox: Mhm.
Denzel: Yeah. Uh, so...funny story. I was gearin' up to back to school, and then my mom passed away. So...
Dick: Oh. (bummed out)
Denzel: I just said, "No, I'm not gonna go get this dumb degree anymore."
Maddox: You were done with it?
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: I still keep up with all the stuff, because it's still an important part of my life.
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Seeing as how I used a lot of my years and time on it. Outside of, you know, closing the Incognito tab and reopening it. Um... (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Outside of jerking off, you mean.
Denzel: Outside of jerking off, yes.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: We all have that in common.
Denzel: Everybody needs a hobby. Right?
Dick: Mhm. (chuckling)
Denzel: So...
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: It's very important to me. Um...
Dick: What is?
Maddox: Well, what's the...so, let's hear...so for the first time ever on this show, we're having a guest go first, and we'd like to hear...what is your problem this week? The biggest problem in the universe.
Denzel: Uh, being black.
Maddox: Being black.
Dick: 'Kay! Okay.
Maddox: Okay.
Denzel: Yeah. As mentioned at the top of the show, uh, it's tough. Because I don't actually believe that being black is a problem.
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: It's people reacting to me being black...
Dick: Sure.
Denzel: ...that's a problem. And...it's tough to say. It's tough to say, like, why I ha-...why these problems exist, but they do. And I don't think there's an easy solution for any of it.
Maddox: Wait, what about this, Denzel? For the semantics of your problem, because you...you went back and forth at the top of the show before we started recording about the wording of "Being Black," because "Being Black" implies that being black is the problem, as opposed to people's reactions. So what about...what if the problem was "Black Reactions"? Right? (Denzel laughs) 'Cause it could be...it could work either way.
Dick: That's WAY...that's way worse!! "Black Reactions" is a way more insulting pro-... (cracking up)
Denzel: Oh my goodness.
Maddox: No, I don't think so!
Dick: ...like, controversial problem.
Maddox: I think it's clever.
Dick: Only because you're picturing it in the one way you're picturing it. Picture it the wrong way.
Maddox: Yeah, I did, and then you listen to episode; people are like, "Oh, this show's really clever."
Dick: Okay. Well... (Maddox and Denzel laugh)
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: So for your problem, I've got a sp-...I've got a special thing here. 'Cause I would like to try to make it through the whole episode without being called a racist. (Denzel laughs) Right? But I'm gonna need your help...
Denzel: Tough...tough call.
Dick: Yeah. I don't think I'm gonna make it. I'm gonna need your help on that. I've brought in some race cards, here. (Denzel and Sean laugh) They work...they're four pieces...
Denzel: Oh, my goodness!
Dick: They're four pieces of construction paper. Green, yellow, orange, and red. Like the terror alert?
Denzel: Mhm.
Dick: You're familiar with the terr-...everyone knows the terror alert. Right?
Maddox: Yeah, of cour-...very helpful. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Very helpful to know whether we're always in the process of being attacked by terrorists. Right?
Maddox: Right. I like to go out on...I go out on days that are orange or yellow, never red. I stay home when it's red.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's a thermometer of how good a job the NSA is doing, right?
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Like, if it's an orange, the NS-...that...presumably, the NSA is like, "Oh, we're...we really fucked a lot of things up this week. Let's try to do better."
Maddox: Or they ARE doin' their job. I think if it's red, they're l-...they are...they're on high terror alert. We know what the color is! Yeah, so it's very useful.
Dick: Anyway. We're gonna start off on green. I feel like that's a good start. If we...if anything starts getting...if I start approaching being a racist, you st-...you pull the green and make it yellow.
Denzel: Okay.
Dick: Okay?
Denzel: Okay.
Dick: Alright. I'm gonna leave that up to you.
Denzel: See, I'm very liberal when it comes to this sort of thing. If...basically, the only way you're gonna get to red is if you say the N-word, or...something VERY -
Dick: (interjects) The actual N-word, or the phrase "the N-word"?
Denzel: The ac-... (stammers) Can I say it? No?
Dick: Well, YOU can do... (Maddox and Denzel laugh)
Maddox: YOU can say it!
Dick: You can say whatever you want, Denzel! That's kind of the point, isn't it? (grins)
Sean: It's really the least we can do. (everyone laughs)
Denzel: Ohh, my goodness.
Maddox: Denzel, here's the thing. You can say it, but just be warned, buddy, 'cause I'm...my hand's near that red card too. Alright?
Dick: Uhhh...
Denzel: Okay, okay.
Maddox: I'll be pullin' the red card. (Dick guffaws)
Dick: What are you??
Maddox: What?
Dick: What are y-...you're gonna...you're gonna say I'm a racist?
Maddox: I'll tell...I'll pull that red card!
Dick: Or you're gonna say HE'S a racist?
Maddox: I'll say anyone's a racist.
Denzel: Oh my goodness.
Maddox: Yeah. (smiles)
Dick: Okay, so if anyone's a racist -
Sean: (interjects) How condescending is that?! (Denzel laughs) Don't get offended on behalf of other people.
Maddox: No, I'm not!
Denzel: Oh, jeez. Yeah.
Maddox: But I'm just calling it -
Denzel: (interjects) That's a huge problem, Sean.
Maddox: It is, Sean.
Dick: Okay. Well, let's...
Denzel: I'm glad you brought that up.
Dick: Let's hear your problem.
Sean: Yeah?
Denzel: So -
Maddox: (interjects) Well, let's get to the problem, yeah.
Denzel: So initially, uh, when I was doing the research, it was full of a lot of stats, and I ran it by Dick and Dick said, "You know what? You gotta make it more relatable." So I brought in a bunch of anecdotes. One of the problems that I have regularly is with racial profiling. Right? So...uh, racial profiling with the police is probably a good thing, for the most part. Because -
Dick: (interjects) Sorry, say that again?
Denzel: Racial profiling is probably a good thing, with the police.
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: Uh, mainly because...I mean, look. If you're a cop, it's tough, because you can't just pull people at random, right? And...I mean, you could, really, but the issue comes with what neighborhoods you're patrolling and who you're looking at for crimes. And yes, the statistics will back up, like...in high-crime areas, there are a lot of minorities living in those areas, so if you're stopping a high number of minorities, you're probably in those neighborhoods.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: So if you look at stop-and-frisk, AKA Terry stops, which in New York is when without probable cause, police officers can kind of just stop you and search you.
Dick: Mm.
Denzel: You gotta have your ID on you at all times, and...if they find drugs on you, then you're arrested. But with the statistics that I found from, um...NYCLU.org, a non-profit that monitors police activity in New York.
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: Uh, so...they found that most of the people that were getting stopped during stop-and-frisk cases, 81% of them were innocent.
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: So...
Dick: Hmm.
Denzel: Chances are...and of that, it's 54% of the people stopped were black.
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: Uh, it's around 9,000 people.
Maddox: That's a hu-...that's a huge number. And also, Denzel, you said something that we kinda glossed over, that they stop and frisk people without probable cause, which is unconstitutional. You're not allowed to do that. You have to have probable cause. It violates the Fourth Amendment.
Denzel: It does.
Maddox: The Fourth Amendment...yeah, you have to have probable cause. You cannot unlawfully search or seize anyone's property in the United States. And the stop-and-frisk procedure, uh, I think it was...was Giuliani the one who enabled it? Yeah. Giuliani made the case that stop-and-frisk reduces crime, and stop-and-frisk...and some...there are these videos that are startin' to surface on the Internet of some of these kids who have been stopped and frisked, and they told the cops, "I haven't done anything wrong. Lay off. Don't bother me. You're not allowed to seize my property," and the cops...and they're secretly recorded, but these cops start cussing out these kids and threatening these kids in a way that is right of mobsters. Like, mafia people aren't this ruthless and brutal with their threats. You know? These are really nasty guys. Like, the threats that they're gi-...that they're, um, that they're issuing here. Not all the cops, obviously, but like...you know, "#notallcops." (laughs with Denzel)
Dick: Enough of them.
Maddox: Well, any...ANY is too much.
Dick: Well...
Maddox: Because these are the people that we have entrusted...these are the people that we have put in power, with authority that not regular citizens have, and for them to abuse that authority is an EGREGIOUS travesty. Because when your caretakers violate your trust, who do you turn to? What authority is there beyond the authority?
Denzel: None. And the problem...one of the biggest issues that I have is that you're not allowed to, like...fight against cops. You're not allowed to...if somebody's...if a cop says something patently false to you?
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: You're supposed to just stand there and agree. Otherwise...I don't believe personally that you really have a choice when you're dealing with cops, so if a cop pulls me over and says, "Can I search your car?", he's saying, "I'm searching your car."
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: And I can say, "No, you're not," but then he can detain me until he can -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, so you think you have to tacitly agree to police searches?
Denzel: Uh, it -
Dick: (interjects) Is that a race thing, or you just think that...?
Sean: He's -
Denzel: (interjects) It might be. It might -
Sean: (interjects) The cop is gonna find a way to get in there. If he wants in the car, he could name a number of things.
Denzel: Exactly.
Sean: Then say, "Oh yeah, now I have probable cause." Right?
Denzel: Exactly.
Maddox: Even so much as rolling down your window, because the cop can simply say, "Oh, I smelled marijuana." Whether or not the cop actually smelled marijuana, if it came down to it in court, the cop is never gonna get in trouble for lying about that because there's no eviden-...there's no way to test his olfactory nerves to see if he actually smelled marijuana or if there was marijuana in the car. Well, regardless of whether or not he found it after the fact, because if he searches your car because he thought he smelled marijuana and he was wrong, because there was no marijuana in the car, well, you know what? The cop says, "Oh, my mistake. I guess it wasn't marijuana I was smelling." He can lie and give any excuse to search your car.
Denzel: Exactly.
Dick: (skeptical) Yeah. I guess, uh, I'm more of a prick to cops? Like...
Denzel: See, you can get away with that.
Dick: Well, I...yeah, that's what I'm leading into.
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: Like, how much of a prick can you be to cops?
Denzel: I haven't tested it. (Dick giggles) I'm never going to. Because, you know, cops are people too. Right?
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: And I don't necessarily go around messing with people that I know I can't take in a fight.
Dick: Mm.
Denzel: Because they have guns. So, let's say I start poppin' off all wild to a cop.
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: And he...he's like, "I've had enough of this." He pulls out his taser, his pepper spray, his gun, or anything. I could end up in a really bad spot.
Dick: Sure.
Denzel: And it's easier to just go with the flow.
Dick: Well, you also said that you...I mean, I don't wanna put words in your mouth, but you said you agreed with racial profiling a little bit at the beginning.
Denzel: Y-...I mean, yeah, because there's no easy solution, right? There's...you...I wanna say, like, "Yeah, spread it out all equally," but if there's a high crime rate in an area?
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: It's your duty as the police and by being tax funded. You have to go out and see what's going on in that area. And -
Dick: (interjects) I got some stats for ya. Just to agree with what you're saying. Called "concentrated poverty."
Denzel: Yes.
Dick: So I was looking at poverty rates of, like, black people versus everyone else, and uh...this idea of concentrated poverty, wherein it's not, like...you think...you imagine a poor area, and you think everybody's in there poor, but that's not the case. Turns out that an area that's predominantly poor is by an OVERWHELMING majority black. Where poor white people will be spread out all over the city. Right?
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: So I think that's in agreement with what you're saying, about why if you're policing one small area, like, you're...yeah.
Denzel: Yeah. I mean...go ahead.
Maddox: Do you...maybe you have some, uh, some stats on this too, Denzel. But, does...I think part of it has to do with a history in our country where we have...we have, in the past, segregated black communities into red zones, and this is very apparent in Omaha, actually. I don't know if you guys have ever been to Omaha in Nebraska, but you can see this clear demarcation in the city where there's the black neighborhoods and the white neighborhoods, and the black neighborhoods...they just look different. You can SEE. You can see the line, that the houses are more dense, the trees are -
Dick: (interjects) They got muppets all over them. (Maddox and Denzel laugh) Yeah, I know. I've seen that...those areas.
Maddox: The trees...yeah.
Sean: Isn't that where the phrase -
Dick: (interjects) Everyone's learning how to spell.
Sean: Isn't that where the phrase, like, "the other side of the tracks" comes from?
Maddox: Oh, I don't know. Maybe.
Denzel: Yeah, I've heard...
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: I've heard that.
Sean: Yeah.
Denzel: As well.
Maddox: What do you know about that, Denzel? 'Cause I'm sure you've done some research in your black...uh, black history studies.
Denzel: So, there...there are a lot of causes. And honestly, I can only speculate, because there's not necessarily a way to pin down the root cause of it, but if you look at it like racist...uh, rental and leasing agreements, or biases in who people who are renting out apartments and leasing apartments will rent to.
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: So you...let's say, like, me for instance. Granted, like the stereotype says, I have terrible credit, but...for, uh, various reasons. So if I try to go rent out a place, credit notwithstanding, they can say no for whatever reason. They can say, "Your credit's not high enough," and...I think, what, 750 is a good score?
Dick: Yeah, it's a great score.
Denzel: Uh, 700's alright, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Alright, so.
Maddox: Even 600, you're doin' okay.
Denzel: Oh. Alright, so I DO have...I have -
Dick: (interjects) 750? You got a 750 credit score? That's great. 700?
Denzel: I have, like, 680.
Dick: Oh, yeah. That's fine.
Maddox: Yeah, you're fine.
Denzel: Okay. So, I've been denied based on my credit score. So I...like, a 680, you guys telling me that 680 is good is great news for me.
Maddox: Yeah!
Denzel: But there...if you say no, and you say...you cite my credit score, but my credit score is actually, like decent, it's plausible to say that you're denying me for another reason.
Dick: And where is this at?
Denzel: I live down in San Diego.
Dick: What do you think they're denying you for?
Denzel: I...
Dick: What reason?
Denzel: You know, it could be a number of reasons. It could be that I'm black, it could be that I'm young.
Dick: Mm.
Denzel: Like, if I'm...if they feel like...if the combination of me being black and young in that apartment leads to them believing that I'm gonna wild out and throw vicious parties every weekend and, like, be playin' loud music all the time?
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: Then they could say, like, "We don't wanna rent to you."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Maybe the landlord was a really hot babe in her 20's, and she was just too tempted by you.
Denzel: Oh. (laughs)
Maddox: Right? She doesn't want you as a tenant because she'd be too tempted passin' by your...your room every day.
Denzel: I -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause he's black?
Maddox: No, because he's Denzel.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: I'll take...
Maddox: Handsome guy! (giggles)
Denzel: I'll take either. (laughs)
Dick: Hey wait, that's a good...that's a good question, because that was one of the funniest things, I thought, on your list, was online dating.
Denzel: Yeah. Yeah! If you...so if you go online, there are a few sets of statistics that have come out from OkCupid, and...there's another site that covers...it's like, Kernel Mag? Ever heard of it?
Dick: It doesn't matter.
Maddox: No, never heard of it.
Denzel: Ah, it doesn't matter. Alright, so...basically, what they've come out to say is that on websites, interracial dating is becoming something that's not so common.
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: And they released that stats in 2009, and I think they updated the stats in 2014 that say, like...basically, if you're...if you're white, you got it. Like, it's poppin' for you.
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: You got...you can get as many dates...like, people are more likely to respond to you if you're white, but if you're black or...uh, I believe Indian was the other race. Like, you're not really seein' much or returnin' anything.
Dick: Ehhh. That sucks!
Denzel: Yeah.
Sean: Well, here's the thing. We know that if you were born a white male in the United States, you have hit the world lottery.
Dick: Says Sean.
Denzel: Yeah? No.
Maddox: Eh, yeah, says Sean.
Dick: Yeah, says Sean. (laughs quietly)
Maddox: Well, here...I mean, here's the thing.
Sean: (interjects) No, you have! You have every advantage that society can possibly give.
Maddox: Yeah, kind of, but also...like, tell that to a homeless white person. A homeless white male. Uh, you know. There's...there are...you know, if you just wanted to say in general -
Sean: (interjects) Do you think he has...don't you think he has more opportunity than a homeless black male?
Maddox: Well, possibly, yeah. Um...it depends.
Dick: Denzel, what do you think?
Denzel: I think the...the white guy's got it.
Dick: Yeah?
Denzel: Yeah. If you're homeless and black...mm, you're probably not gettin' as much love as...as your white counterpart.
Dick: Yeah?
Maddox: No, that's true. It's probably...you do have a lot of, uh, a lot of disadvantages. But I remember another one of my black friends a long time ago said if he had an opportunity to be reborn, he said he would choose to be a white male.
Denzel: Hmm.
Maddox: Because he would be -
Dick: (interjects) What if it was Hitler? (Denzel laughs)
Denzel: Hey, Hitler had it -
Maddox: (interjects) He...he said, "Especially Hitler." (laughs)
Denzel: Yeah. Hitler had it goin' for a few years. He was a terrible person, but...he had ev-...he could've eaten anything he wanted in Germany.
Dick: Well, he did a lot of bad things. I don't know if you'd say he was a terrible person. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: He made...
Dick: He made a lot of bad decisions.
Maddox: He made a lot of...he made a lot of bad art, guys. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Can we all agree that his art is not that great. F.
Dick: What else...what's the cruz of your...? Like, I get that the...I mean, we've gone over racial profiling and over credit scores, but what really...what do you think is the crux of your problem?
Denzel: So, when looking at this problem, I feel like for the most part, it's what I have to deal with personally that really gets me.
Dick: Which is what?
Denzel: Uh, so it's a lot of, just...I don't wanna say microaggressions, because that's kind of a loaded term, and...pretty bullshit, but -
Dick: (interjects) Well, then say that. (Denzel laughs) Yeah.
Denzel: And...it's -
Maddox: (interjects) You're white kn-...you're a real white knight, Denzel. (laughs with Denzel)
Denzel: Yeah. I'm out here white knighting for the black folks.
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Everywhere. (background laughter)
Maddox: You're the whitest knight there is. (both crack up)
Sean: Isn't that, like, a position in the KKK?
Dick: Oh, that's a card!! That's a card! That's a card.
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: You're gonna...
Dick: Go to yellow.
Maddox: Orange!
Sean: Seriously!
Dick: You got an orange card.
Maddox: Orange card, Sean.
Denzel: Orange card.
Maddox: Orange card.
Dick: Inappropriate.
Maddox: Mhm.
Sean: What? I wanted to get it for, like, the Aunt Jemima thing. (Denzel and Dick laugh)
Maddox: Okay, red. You're re-...I'm callin' the red card, Sean! You get that for Aunt Jemima. There.
Sean: I'm totally takin' Dick's bit. (Maddox giggles)
Denzel: It's, uh...
Maddox: Yeah, you are.
Dick: They're there for everyone.
Maddox: You're takin' Dick's tip. (giggles loudly)
Sean: I said "bit," you asshole. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: So what are the microaggressions that you're so obsessed with?
Denzel: So... (everyone cracks up) So, here are a few anecdotes from my life that I've had to deal with.
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: Uh, so...as...when I was living up here in LA, we went to this bar, and outside of the bar there was this, uh, family. Like a...there was a grandmother, I think, and a child. So...and they speak Cantonese, and my buddy speaks Cantonese. So the kid asks his mom, "Mommy, is that man made of chocolate?"
Dick: Okay. (chuckling)
Denzel: In Cantonese.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: And it was really adorable.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: And my friend tells me, and the mother turns -
Dick: (interjects) And you said, "Come over here and taste and find out." (Denzel and Maddox laugh)
Denzel: It's a child.
Dick: And then the cops showed up and started being dicks and racist for no reason.
Maddox: Frisking you, mhm.
Denzel: And, uh...the mother's response to the child was like, "No, honey. That's a n*****." (Dick laughs uncomfortably)
Maddox: Ohhhhh.
Denzel: And I was like... (chuckling)
Maddox: Wow.
Denzel: And this was...this exchange happened -
Dick: (interjects) Uh, Denzel, that's ve-...that's very inappropriate. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Red card.
Dick: I'm gonna give you a red card.
Maddox: Denzel, you got a red card.
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: Yeah, yep. (background laughter) And, like, I regularly...I...for the most part, I do my shopping exclusively online.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: Because I legitimately, when I go into a place, I'm followed around the store.
Maddox: Yeah!
Denzel: It's RIDICULOUS.
Maddox: I was just talking to a black friend of mine the other day who said that she was walking around in a store and they follow you around, and it's different, because you can...you can sit there and you can observe them, and this isn't confirmation bias, either. Just go do it. Like, look inside...like, go to Abercrombie & Fitch. Walk into the store...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...and watch how these...the, uh, these store clerks react to different customers.
Denzel: Yeah. I went to -
Dick: (interjects) Where were you at?
Denzel: Uh, so first place was...I was in, uh, an REI.
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: And the second place was the Apple store.
Dick: And they follow you arou-...at an Apple store, they follow you around?!
Denzel: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Oh, of course, fuckin' Apple!
Dick: Oh my GOD.
Maddox: Those fascists.
Sean: REI?? You thi-... (chuckles) You're gonna sneak out with, like, a tent under your shirt or something? (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Denzel: Right? That's exactly...like, "Oh, I'm gonna break into the jewel case and steal a knife and start stabbin' up employees."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Like, it's crazy, because when I was in the Apple store, I was wearing a hoodie, standard hoodie. It's got the kangaroo pouch in the front, and I could see this guy who's standing maybe like 10 or so feet away from me.
Dick: Right.
Denzel: He's, like, tryin' to get a look inside of it, and I'm like...after a certain point, when I notice somebody's doing something, like, I don't necessarily call them out, but he was looking inside, so I just take all the shit out of my pockets and I show him. And it's, like, my cell phone, my keys, and...
Maddox: That sucks.
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, I've never been followed around like that, but I know...I'm 100% sure, if I'm gonna get treated like a criminal, I will behave like a criminal.
Denzel: Oh, dude.
Maddox: Well...
Dick: Like, it takes me...it co-...it takes every ounce of my willpower to not behave poorly all the time. (background laughter) If someone like that would nudge me a little bit over, it would be...fuckin' bedlam. I'll be like, "Oh, yeah! No, you know what? I'm walking out with this monitor. Go ahead! What's the protocol for that? You figure it out, tough guy! 'Cause your job is not loss prevention. It's serving customers. This isn't your stuff."
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: Like, you're not protecting your stuff. This weird part in your brain thinks that you should be protecting this shit, but that's not your job.
Denzel: Not at all.
Dick: So let's...let's see.
Sean: So, I have a, uh...a note from Randy the racist. (everyone laughs) And he's saying, "Isn't that racial profiling that you didn't think was bad?"
Dick: Well, that's...
Denzel: No. See, the difference -
Dick: (interjects) I was gonna guess...I was gonna ask you too. Like, do you think that's engrained racism, or do you think they've had experience with...like, black crime?
Denzel: I...
Dick: Like, predomi-...a predominant amount of black crime.
Denzel: So...it's funny, because the Apple store that I was at in particular...and that's a good question, but the Apple store in particular, I was...it's in a very, VERY white neighborhood. Very white neighborhood, and...like, it's near UCSD. And...so, I think it's more so engrained racism.
Dick: Hm.
Denzel: Because not a whole...like, I've l-...I lived down the street from that mall for, like, 8 or so years, and I used to go to that mall every day, and it's rare to see more than, like...10 or 15 black people in an 8-hour time span at that mall.
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: And I would just buy Apple products online. Like, I don't know who's physically going into Apple stores other than me on that day, but...it's weird.
Maddox: Or maybe don't deal with that horseshit and stop buying Apple products. How 'bout that?
Denzel: Yeah. I mean...
Maddox: How 'bout that?
Denzel: I would...
Dick: Well...
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: If that were the case, then I would have to stop buying a lot of products.
Maddox: Well, here's the thing. For...all joking aside, seriously, everyone should stop buying Apple products. For real. (Denzel laughs) (Dick protests) No no, let...hear me out!
Dick: Where's the strike?
Maddox: Hear me out. Because...they block my website in their stores.
Dick: Oh, yeah. (exasperated)
Maddox: They censor ME. (Dick laughs) Fuck Apple, and fuck you for supporting Apple. That goes for everyone who has Apple products. Everyone listening right now in this room, and everyone who's listening at home, fuck you. 'Cause if it...if Apple had their way, you wouldn't hear this podcast. You wouldn't hear...you wouldn't see my website, and they completely whitewash it.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Fuck that company. Fuck Apple.
Denzel: That's a...that's a weird personal issue. (laughs) (background laughter)
Maddox: (yells) You know what, Denzel?? Your ability...
Dick: Yeah, you get it. You got it. (smiles)
Maddox: Your ability -
Sean: (interjects) That's a common theme.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You know what, Denzel? Your ability to even say that sentence would be gone if Apple had their way.
Denzel: Fair enough.
Maddox: Mhm!
Denzel: I mean, it's not that the Internet exists and you have plenty of platforms to publish things on.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: And need to be in Apple stores. (smiles)
Maddox: No. (Denzel laughs) You don't need Apple shit. Apple's garbage. Anyway. Uh, so moving on. Denzel, um...so a lot of times, people...racist people...Donald Trump tweeted a tweet a while back where it was -
Dick: (interjects) Do you think Donald Trump's racist? Let me ask you that.
Denzel: Uhh...
Dick: Speaking on behalf of all black people. Do you think Donald Trump's racist? (background laughter)
Denzel: So, as the authority on myself -
Maddox: (interjects) The ambassador of blacks, yeah.
Denzel: Yes.
Maddox: Yes, uh-huh.
Denzel: Yeah, the ambassador of black people.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yes.
Denzel: Honestly...no?
Dick: Okay.
Denzel: I think he's just doing it to get a rise out of people.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: There are a lot of people -
Dick: (interjects) Getting a rise out of suckers. Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Uh, yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, here's the thing. Donald Trump...I don't know...we don't have enough to evidence to conclude that Donald Trump is racist. However, he does retweet a lot of racist people. People who are actually...uh, members of the KKK, people who have affiliations to neo-Nazis and the American white supremacist party, and all these other different, uh... (stammers)
Dick: So, guilty by association?
Maddox: No, I don't think he...I don't think he is guilty by association.
Dick: Well... (shrugs)
Maddox: I'm just saying, one of the things he retweeted a while back was this statistic which says...uh, all...you know, the number of black criminals is higher than the number of white criminals, and the number of, uh...you know, Mexican criminals, et cetera, et cetera.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: You look into those statistics; it's very easy to refute, because it's not true. The majority of crime that occurs to white people is done by white people, because they are the majority of the population. However, there is a disproportionate amount of black people who are in prison and who are incarcerated. Just by being pulled over, you are way more likely to be incarcerated as a black person than a white person, because you have a much higher likelihood of being pulled over in the first place, AND the punishments are much higher against black people once they are incarcerated. And some of that may have to do with...here's...I took a class in college called "Education and Society."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And in this class, we talked about a very interesting phenomenon, which is...they studied black students who went to different types of schools. Private schools, public schools, schools in inner city areas that were impoverished, and schools that were in affluent areas, and they expected that the black students who went to the affluent areas with good parents who tried to take an interest in their lives and tried to educate them...they found that sometimes those students still struggled. And there's a profe-...I think he's a professor or a sociologist. His name is John Ogbu. Are you familiar with his work? John Ogbu, I highly recommend everyone read this guy's work. It's pretty telling. It's pretty informative. What he found is, when they interviewed these black students who were not doing well on tests, they asked them why and they said because they didn't want to. And they viewed the test as, um...they associated that test with assimilation. Cultural assimilation. And the more likely the kids were to answer this way depended on how non-traditional their names were. So if their names were somethin' like "Obama" or, um...
Dick: "Denzel."
Maddox: Den-...yeah, possibly "Denzel." They were more likely to do poorly on tests because they viewed that as cultural assimilation. And so they rejected it as, uh...as part of their heritage, that they felt that they were plucked...you know, at some point they were plucked from Africa, brought here as slaves, and...and as that, they were trying to, uh, become white, and they viewed that the test itself was one instrument with which white people tried to assimilate them. What -
Dick: (interjects) So what do you think about that?
Maddox: Yeah, what do you think about that?
Dick: What's the deal?
Denzel: I th-...that's...
Dick: It's definitely true, right? (Denzel laughs) To some...to some degree? To some degree?
Denzel: That's, uh...that's a reach. That's a reach.
Dick: Yeah? Interesting. Why?
Denzel: It's...uh, I feel like that...I mean, like...
Dick: I'll tell you this. I know some white people who say the same thing.
Denzel: It's...
Dick: That they don't wanna succeed also because it's rejecting their poor heritage. (Sean laughs in the background)
Denzel: It's like...ah, I don't know.
Dick: It's true! That's true.
Maddox: It could be...that could be the case, yeah.
Denzel: It just comes off as an excuse to me. So in school, I did pretty...moderately? Mainly because I wasn't...like, I didn't wanna be there.
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: Until I switched to a charter school, and that...actually, my grades shot up, because -
Maddox: (interjects) ('ding!' sound effect) Charter schools.
Denzel: Yeah. It was -
Maddox: (interjects) They're awesome.
Denzel: They...yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: Some of 'em are awesome.
Denzel: Like a w-...
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, screw you, Robin.
Maddox: Yeah, Robin.
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: Work at your own pace, and kinda dictate when the work gets done and how fast, and...a lot of it was just like, you know, "I can do the work faster. I don't need to sit here and wait for you to get there."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: And that's -
Dick: (interjects) But what do you think of that rejecting the culture thing?
Denzel: The rejecting...that just...I mean, that sounds very Hotepian to me.
Dick: What's that mean?
Denzel: Uh... (guffaws) It's a -
Dick: (interjects) Like Bubba Imhotep?
Denzel: (chuckles) No. It's a...it's a sect of people who are just, like, very, uh...focused around the roots of black people in Africa.
Dick: Mm.
Denzel: And it reaches levels of, like, Five-Percenterism.
Dick: Okay, lemme...
Denzel: Where it's like everybody's a god.
Maddox: What does that mean?
Denzel: It's an ideology.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Denzel: Where it's basically like...every person is a god.
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: And so they...they talk to each other in a specific manner, and it's, like, a crazy ideology. It's not quite a religion.
Maddox: M'kay.
Denzel: But it's very popular among black people.
Dick: Really?
Maddox: Oh, interesting. Hm.
Denzel: Or it was, in the mid-'90s. Have you listened to a lot of, uh...like, mid-'90s rap music?
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: You'll hear people refer to each other...like, "Whassup, God?" Like, that...
Dick: Ohhh.
Maddox: Ohh, I see. Interesting.
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Hm!
Dick: So lemme throw those...'cause I did bring in those homicide numbers.
Denzel: Mhm.
Dick: From the FBI. Uh, white on white homicides: 2,500. Black on black: 2,200.
Maddox: Well, yeah, because -
Dick: (interjects) That's a lot.
Denzel: Yeah, definitely.
Dick: What's goin' on there?
Maddox: But -
Denzel: (interjects) So...
Maddox: Yeah. Go ahead, Denzel.
Denzel: So, when you grow up in an impoverished area...
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: ...you don't know what you don't know, like, about the outside. Right? So you'll get stuck in a cyclical...uh, ideology when you're living in, like, kind of a beat-down area, where you sell drugs to earn money, because corporations have pulled out of the area that you live in because it's so run down and poorly kept, and...the schools are closing down, so you have nothing to do all day. Right? So if you live in an impoverished area, you gotta get paid somehow. Right? So you sell drugs, and when you sell drugs and when there's a lot of money involved, the likelihood of getting shot or being hurt goes way up. There's a reason why...at least when I was a kid, my mom used to tell me all the time, like, "If you get involved in this kind of stuff, you'll either end up dead or in jail." And there's a reason why there are young OG's on the streets, right? I'm not saying that I'm from the hood or anything like that, and that I've got experience with gangs and drug dealing, but the reason why there's young OG's is because the older people are either dead or in jail. That's not something that's made up.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: Right?
Dick: Right.
Denzel: So you go out and you sell these drugs, you get this money; you get killed.
Maddox: There's also that staggering statistic that, uh, that said...it was a REALLY high percentage of black male...uh, black males who are of the fathering age who are just in jail right now. Some ridiculously high amount, I heard. Right? Do you have that? Do either of you have that statistic?
Denzel: No.
Dick: No, I thought it was like 40% of the jail population is black. Like, I don't know...
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: You mean percentage of the population that's in jail? Yeah.
Maddox: Specifically father-aged black...uh, black men. I read some statistic a while back that talked about how a lot of kids might be raised without a father figure, because a lot of 'em are just jailed.
Dick: I got that one.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay, so this is another of the...single-parent families. So I think...I think if you don't have a dad, you're fucked. Like, I see...every...any time I see, like, rampant crime or anything like that, it's like, "Well, yeah! Your dad's not around? You're totally fucked." Sucks not to have a mom! Absolutely would be horrible. Right? But you don't have a dad?? Oh my god. (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: Okay.
Sean: Especially as a boy.
Dick: Especially as a boy! Like, you got no...you got no god! You have no th-...you have no thread of punishment or autho-...is this...is what I'm saying crazy?
Maddox: I don't know that it applies.
Denzel: Mmm...
Maddox: I know a lot of guys...I know a lot of friends who are single...they have single parents, both male and female, just a mother or a father independently, and they're...they seem to be fine. They have different challenges.
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: Well, here's the stats.
Sean: (interjects) Confirmation bias.
Denzel: I mean...
Dick: (chuckles) Yeah, that's true! Indian...single-parent families. Indian: 52%. Asian: 16%. Black: 67%. (incredulous) White: 25%. So we're talkin' about 3 TIMES the amount of kids without a dad around. What the hell?! How do you stop that? (Denzel laughs) Right??
Denzel: Oops. Uh...
Dick: How do you knock those numbers down?
Denzel: I...
Dick: 'Cause I think that's a...I think that's a big problem.
Denzel: That is. I mean, I too...uh, grew up without a dad in the house.
Dick: Oh shit, man.
Denzel: But he lived really close anyway, so it's not like I never saw him.
Maddox: It was a separation situation?
Denzel: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Mhm.
Denzel: Exactly.
Maddox: Yeah, I...there's also those statistics, too, where your parents are separated and you get joint custody and st-...and, uh...
Denzel: Mmm...so I also have a friend who, uh...he's a young Jewish fellow who grew up without a dad, and he turned out completely fine. I feel like it's got...it's got a lot to do with the environment that you're in.
Maddox: Sure.
Denzel: And it's...if you grow up in a poor environment, like, there's a good chance you're just gonna...your life is gonna be terrible.
Dick: Hm.
Maddox: So some of these statistics, people try to tout, like, "Oh, well, there are more black people in jail. Therefore, they're creating crime," and they try to pin it to the skin color, which...if you think about what that actually means, think about what they're actually saying, is that the amount of melanin in your skin... (Denzel snickers) ...directly correlates to how likely you are to commit a crime. No other fact. And then, some of these people who -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but I don't think they're saying th-...only that.
Maddox: Well, the...yeah. Well, I'm getting to that. What else they're saying is, they try to make a scientific case for why they think that black people are more likely to commit crime.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And they resort to phrenology. Do you know what -
Dick: (interjects) There's a lot...there's much more sophisticated reasons than phrenology. You remember what I said about how concentrated poverty is predominantly a black problem?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, overwhelmingly? Have you ever heard of lead poisoning?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Have you h-...you have?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Well, what is it then?
Maddox: Lead poisoning causes cognitive disorders and cognitive disabilities. If you get lead in -
Dick: (interjects) MAJOR ones. Like...
Maddox: Yeah. If you get lead in the water...like right now in Flint, Michigan, there has been lead poisoning in the water supply, which the...if kids drink, it causes severe cognitive impairment that is irreversible.
Dick: Yeah, and aggression problems. Like, it turns you into a criminal.
Maddox: Hm.
Dick: Lead poisoning.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So you've got cities that are CRAMMED with poor black people, poor black kids growing up in an environment over the last 30 years where we're pumping lead into the air out of our cars. Right? Before unleaded gasoline?
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: This is a real thing.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So saying that it's just their skin color is a little...you know, cherry picking, 'cause this is a r-...THIS is real. This is real, that we...that all these black people are crammed together in these cities, and then we're pumping brain-killing poison into it. Like...
Maddox: Well, yeah. Dick, the point was, though, phrenology is a..."phrenology," I think is how it's pronounced, is a discredited, pseudoscientific theory that someone came up with in the 1800s, where they studied the skulls of black people versus white people, and they said, "Aha, there's some differences." Which is just insane, because...first of all, the differences are not consistent. They're not measured. They cherry pick different types of skulls, and they've found no difference in the t-...in the skull shape and how likely you are to commit a crime. It's a long-discredited theory. But these are the theories, rather...like, what you said right now -
Dick: (interjects) I've never heard phrenology being used to...
Maddox: Yeah, that's because it's a discredited pseudoscience.
Dick: No, no! I mean, I know what phrenology is, but I haven't heard of it since, like, the 1800s.
Maddox: Oh my gosh. Look at my Twitter feed! I'm talkin' to all these racist dipshits all the time. (Denzel laughs) All they're saying is phrenology this and phrenology that. I'm like, "Dude..." And I look at their profiles, and they're all...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They all have ties to white supremacist groups.
Dick: I don't know. You gotta stop listening to white supremacist groups.
Maddox: I don't!
Dick: This is...I'm talkin' about NPR. That's what they're sayin'.
Maddox: Well, NPR...so what's interesting is, who's the guy who had that racist outburst? The, uh, the...he used to own the Clippers. Sterling! Donald Sterling.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Denzel: Yeah, Donald Sterling.
Maddox: Donald Sterling was...like, everybody had a big shitfit because -
Dick: (interjects) Did you think that was racist?
Denzel: Yes.
Dick: You did?
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Yes.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: He didn't want his girlfriend to be seen with black people?? Yeah, that's p-...that's...
Dick: Ehhh, yeah. (hesitant)
Maddox: (stammers) Hey, yellow card, Dick!
Sean: With Ma-...with Magic Johnson.
Dick: No, I don't... (Denzel laughs) No, you don't get to give those out!
Maddox: Denzel, hand this to Dick. (laughs loudly)
Dick: Well, your...your girlfriend's seein', like, younger guys. You're gonna say anything!
Maddox: He specifically said blacks!!
Denzel: I feel like if you're Donald Sterling, you should have that expectation already for your relationship. You're not paying for exclusivity; you're paying for discretion, at a certain point. So she should be able to see whoever she wants. Saying that you don't want Magic Johnson at your games is...Magic Joh-...I'm sure he's a nice guy! He smiles a lot.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: He's a...he's fun. And he...you're discriminating against a man with AIDS??
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: HIV?
Maddox: That's doubly racist.
Denzel: It's terrible.
Maddox: You're a racist if you discriminate against people with...
Dick: Racist against AIDS?
Maddox: Yeah, racist against AIDS. (grins)
Dick: Yeah? Yeah.
Maddox: But here's the thing, guys. What's being lost in the woods here, or lost in the weeds, is...Donald Sterling, what he said is...is chickenshit. It's the tip of the iceberg.
Denzel: Oh yeah.
Maddox: Donald Sterling's real crime is that he's a slumlord.
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Donald Sterling's REAL crime is that he helped create these conditions for these poor inner-city black kids, because he specifically discriminated against black people in his housing projects.
Sean: Well, and other minorities too.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: And he knew that they would not have the resources to fight him on it.
Maddox: Absolutely.
Sean: If they're Hispanic...
Maddox: Right.
Sean: ...they may be illegal.
Maddox: Right.
Sean: If they're black, they're probably not gonna have the funds to hire a lawyer and fight him on this kind of stuff, so he was just...you know, he maximized his profit by doing super unscrupulous things.
Maddox: And especially if you're -
Dick: (interjects) Perfect crime.
Maddox: And especially if you're black and you might have any kind of warrants out for you, for ANY reason, not...even not showing up for jury duty, or...you know, having a parking fine you haven't paid. If you're...if you have that, right? Because you happen to be poor, and you can't afford to pay these outrageous parking fees, then you're not gonna be going to the police for their help in, uh, in housing discrimination issues. You're not gonna be going to any authority. You're gonna take care of it yourself. And also there's a sense of pride at some point, where if you have a problem at some point, you have to take care of it yourself as opposed to just always going to the police, or always going to some authority, who may or may not do anything. And more likely than not, they're not gonna do anything. Donald Sterling's a very powerful, rich man. This shit that he said about black people? Who gives a shit. That's NOTHING compared to the slumlord, uh...and he actually settled a huge lawsuit back in the '90s, I believe, right? About this very issue. That's being swept under the rug because of what he said. Like, let's not lose sight of the forest for the trees here.
Denzel: Yeah. I mean, Donald...the funniest part is, at least to me, is the justice system isn't necessarily built to distribute justice. Because, like, if you have enough money, you can hire enough lawyers to basically bankrupt anybody who's suing you.
Maddox: Affluenza. Vote it up, people. ('ding!' sound effect)
Denzel: Yeah! I mean, look. If you -
Dick: (interjects) Well, except the government.
Denzel: Yeah, with the exception of the government.
Dick: You're talkin' about civil...yeah.
Denzel: But then you have to rely on the government to be competent enough to do their jobs. And that's tough.
Maddox: Fascinating problem. I also have a little bit of, uh, statistics to add to this. Did you know that it costs more to adopt a white baby than it does a black baby?
Dick: Yeah!
Denzel: That's...gross.
Maddox: Yeah. People looked into it, and people are tryin' to find any kind of non-racial explanation for this.
Dick: No.
Maddox: And the... (chuckles) The -
Denzel: (interjects) It's a...
Dick: Well, who's adopting the babies?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Is it mai-...?
Maddox: It's...you know, it is mostly white people, but, uh...
Dick: Of course they would want...
Maddox: But there are so many...there are a lot of instances of black people adopting white kids. And the am-...that is such a fascinating phenomenon to me. I would love to interview...I'm actually doing research right now to get in contact with some of these kids who were raised by black parents, but they're white. And the looks they get when they're out in public, uh, even...there was one anecdote I read where someone even said that they were approached by another couple in public and asked if they needed help, if they were being kidnapped, if everything was okay. (Denzel laughs) They're like, "Yeah, they're - "
Sean: (interjects) I read that.
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! The kid...the guy was like, "Yeah, they're my parents. Everything's fine. They're my parents." They're like, "Well, how...how?" (Denzel laughs) It's like, "How 'bout mind your own fuckin' business? Everything's okay."
Denzel: That's...that is -
Dick: (interjects) It would be weird to see. (chuckling)
Denzel: I mean, look...
Maddox: It's unusual!
Dick: I mean, yeah. You'd wanna ask. (grinning)
Denzel: Hey, you're not a cop.
Maddox: Yeah! You'd wanna ask...
(talking over each other)
Dick: I'm curious.
Maddox: Hand Dick more cards! More cards. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: Why?! That's not racist!
Maddox: That's racist! Red card!
Dick: Why is that racist??
Denzel: I guess -
Maddox: (interjects) You wanna ask...?
Denzel: The whole thing, at least for me, is like, when I'm in public, I wanna be left alone. Like...
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: For the most part. And I understand there's a social contract that you sign invisibly when you leave the house.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: Somebody can talk to you, people can do whatever they want. But ultimately, I don't wanna be followed to my car anymore, I don't wanna be followed to my apartment anymore, I don't wanna be followed around stores anymore, I don't wanna have things thrown at me while you shout, uh, the N-word.
Dick: When has that ha-...when does that happen? How often has that happened to you?
Denzel: Oh. So, it doesn't happen to me much anymore, or it hasn't happened in a while. I had an old lady spit at me and call me a n***** recently.
Maddox: Holy shit.
Dick: Recently?
Denzel: Yeah. Uh, it was...
Maddox: (interjects) Was it my neighbor?
Denzel: ...last summer? (guffaws) No. (Maddox laughs) (background laughter) No. It was, uh, it was a lady walking through my old neighborhood. I went to go visit a friend and she, like, did one of... (spitting noise) ...and called me a n*****.
Maddox: Ohhh.
Dick: We've all seen "Blazing Saddles."
Denzel: And then...
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Oh my gosh. That would...how does...how do you...how are you not punchifying everyone all the time?
Denzel: Because you...so, you can't react to that.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Denzel: Because...like, the first time you react to something like that, it's like, "Oh, he's the angry black guy! He's a savage!"
Dick: Yeah, that we've all heard so much about. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: Prove their suspicion.
Denzel: Yeah!
Sean: When Branch Rickey used to own the Dodgers...and in the modern era, Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in 1947, and Branch Rickey said...you know, he had been wanting to bring a black player into the majors for a long time, and there were some great players, and Jackie Robinson was a great player. First ballot Hall of Famer. But he had to find the person he knew could take it and be better than any of his white teammates for exactly what you said.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: So it's like, "Oh, there's the angry black guy. See? I was right the whole time." So he had to stand there and get spit on, get called the N-word, have things thrown at him, get death threats, all that kind of stuff, and he had to be BETTER than that.
Dick: Hmm.
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: I have a quick question, Denzel, before we wrap this up. This has been a fascinating problem. Thank you for bringing it in. Um, do you think that there ha-...that we live in a little bit more of a post-racial society with a black president?
Denzel: Uh, because of the black president?
Maddox: Yes.
Denzel: No.
Maddox: Okay.
Denzel: No. Absolutely not.
Maddox: Do you feel that anything has improved?
Denzel: Oh, yeah. Things are constantly improving.
Maddox: Okay.
Denzel: I mean, by virtue of me being able to sit in the room with two...what, you're Armenian?
Dick: We have one white person...
Maddox: Arme-...I'm Armenian.
Denzel: Armenian, half Mexican, two white guys, a white woman...like, I...just by virtue of being able to be in the same room and we're not, like, constantly shouting racial slurs back and forth?
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Yeah, we've made a lot of progress.
Maddox: This is a new -
Dick: (interjects) It'd be funnier, though.
Maddox: It's a new policy.
Dick: If we were doing that.
Denzel: Yeah!
Maddox: This has been a r-...
Denzel: Randy, Asian man...
Dick: You...sand devil! (guffaws)
Sean: (laughs) He just called Randy a white guy.
Denzel: Sorry.
Dick: No, he's pointing behind him. Weren't you?
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, behind him. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sean: Ohh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: Uh, Asian gentleman, black lady...
Maddox: We've got a full...we got a full studio.
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, we got a full studio.
Denzel: I mean, things are constantly getting better, but it's...everybody -
Dick: (interjects) What's the solution? What's the quick fix? (Denzel laughs) I don't want the...
Maddox: Yeah, okay. (chuckling)
Denzel: There is no quick fix. There is...
Dick: There's gotta be a quick fix!
Denzel: No.
Dick: There's a quick fix to every problem.
Maddox: Dick, I got it.
Denzel: Kill all white people. (everyone laughs)
Maddox: I got the solution: no more racism. ('ding!' sound effect) Huh?? How 'bout that? BAM. Done.
Dick: Nahhh, that's never gonna happen, though. (Maddox laughs)
Denzel: No, it's...it's tough, because everybody's gonna have, uh, some sort of prejudice down the line. Like, if you have one bad interaction with a black person, that could color your...your outlook on all black people for the rest of your life.
Dick: Sure.
Denzel: All it takes is, like -
Maddox: (interjects) That's confirmation bias, though. That is literally confirmation bias.
Denzel: Yeah! Yeah. I mean...
Maddox: You had that one experience with...so, um...and I see it go both ways, too. I read this account, this anecdote of a friend of mine who posted on Facebook that he was in San Francisco, and he walkin' down the street...it was actually a friend of a friend. He was walkin' down the street, and he saw these, uh...these teenagers walkin' towards him, and some of 'em were black, some of 'em were Hispanic, and he thought, "You know what? I'm not going to cross the street. I'm not going to...I'm not going walk on the other side of the street in spite of how menacing they looked." And these kids jumped him and stole his cell phone. (Dick cackles)
Denzel: Jesus.
Maddox: And this kid...this guy's world view was profoundly changed after that incident, because he had to have facial reconstructive surgery. He got beat so badly. He had scars, he had stitches, um...he was really messed up. And it was a really sad thing for me to read and witness, because this was a guy who said, "I am definitely, profiling from now on." He says, "I don't care about..." He said, "I was very liberal and progressive, I thought, and I thought that profiling is not fair and it's not right," and he changed his mind after that day. And I don't know how I feel about it, because -
Dick: (interjects) Well, isn't he an idiot for, like, tryin' to convince himself that his gut is wrong? Like, just because you feel menaced in a situation, doesn't mean it's because you're a racist. Like, there's a big difference between, "Oo, uh, I got a bad feeling about this. I'm gonna cross the street and get away from these gentlemen," versus "I'm gonna follow this guy around the Apple store 'cause he's black."
Maddox: Yeah, that's a good point.
Dick: It's a BIG difference. I feel like...you're shakin' your head?
Denzel: I...okay, so one...you said they were teenagers, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Never trust teenagers.
Maddox: No.
Dick: NEVER trust teenagers!
Maddox: No.
Denzel: They are...they're full of hormones, they could break at any moment, and -
Maddox: (interjects) They're idiots.
Denzel: You just...walk across the street if you see a pack of teenagers. You don't want those problems.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: Yeah, their brains aren't fully cooked yet.
Maddox: Right.
Denzel: Exactly. Exactly. And -
Maddox: (interjects) Don't mess with them, don't date them... (Denzel laughs) ...don't listen to them...
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Just bad news. Yeah.
Denzel: Yeah. So also, to a certain degree, you're...uh, responsible for your own safety. Right? So -
Maddox: (interjects) To a degree, yeah. Uh...yeah.
Denzel: If you're walkin' down the street and your gut, like Dick was saying, is saying, like, "Erm, maybe you should get outta here," you should do that. And...same reason why women will switch the arms that their purse is on when they see me walking by. Like, I can't be mad at that. They're looking out for themselves.
Dick: That happens to you?!
Denzel: Yes. Yeah! Wouldn't -
Maddox: (interjects) I...yeah.
Dick: Well, that sucks.
Maddox: Absolutely.
Sean: That wouldn't happen to me.
Denzel: No.
Dick: No, I get a smile. Big ol' smile. (Denzel snickers) From every chick. I'm serious!
Sean: Yes, you do. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling) Uh... (background laughter)
Dick: I get a little dance, too.
Maddox: Mhm. (skeptical)
Sean: Denzel... (Dick makes weird little noise) ...do you ever walk by somebody's -
Dick: (interjects) Like John Travolta.
Sean: Do you ever walk by somebody's car and have them lock the doors?
Denzel: Yeah.
Sean: Yeah.
Denzel: Yeah, but I mean, like...it happens to -
Dick: (interjects) Have you ever had them hit a button and, like, Batman armor goes around their car? (Denzel laughs)
Denzel: That'd be nice. I want that car.
Maddox: It's Blackman armor. (laughs with Denzel)
Sean: See, he deals with those little things that I don't think about.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, me too!! That's why I wanted him to talk about this problem! 'Cause I got all these dumb stats, but they don't matter.
Denzel: It's...there's a lot in my day-to-day that I have to put up with, but it's just, like...I mean, ultimately there's nothing I can do about it. Right? Like, I could go talk to the person and we could try to work out, like, why they're feeling this way, and...you know, try to have a "Kumbaya" moment and say, "We should come together and not be mad," but ultimately, that's not my job.
Maddox: So Denzel, thank you. That was a fascinating problem. Thank you for bringing that in. And for Black History Month, guys!
Denzel: Yeah! Yeah. And just...I just wanna note to anybody listening, this is not me saying, like, "Yo, feel bad for black people. It's terrible out there." It's more so me saying, "This is what...I'm making you aware. This is what it is."
Maddox: "Here's what we're dealing with."
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: I mean, some of us. "Here's what some of us are dealing with on a day-to-day basis."
Denzel: Yes.
Maddox: Just be understanding. And I think that goes a long way, Denzel, towards...towards, uh, maybe helping solve this problem, because things are improving. Things are getting better.
Denzel: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Hey, I know how to solve another problem. Black, white, Asian, whatever, purple you are? You need a good shave.
Maddox: Amen to that.
Dick: That's why today's episode is brought to you by Harry's. Save $5 off your first purchase with the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" at http://harrys.com. Look, they're finely-engineered German blades. There's a...it's a 5-blade cartridge. A close, comfortable shave with no cuts or burns. Quality guaranteed. Full refund if you're not happy. And they won't follow you around the store. If you go to CVS... (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: Mhm!
Dick: ...to buy your razors, Denzel, someone's gonna follow you around the store, right? For our black listeners? This shows up right at your door!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Nobody's gonna follow you to your own door. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: No hassle.
Dick: Are they? Is that...has that ever happened to you?
Maddox: No.
Denzel: No.
Dick: Gremlin pops outta the toilet and follows you to the front door? (Denzel laughs more)
Maddox: No hassle, no microaggressions, and no micro-cuts or abrasions.
Denzel: Ooooo.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Denzel: Ooo!
Dick: Factory-direct prices cut out the middleman. Ships right to your door. They sell their bl-...their blades are sold at half the price of the leading brand! Fuck the leading brand. (papers shuffling)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's http://harrys.com. (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah. (Denzel giggles) (background laughter)
Dick: Promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM".
Maddox: Unless Harry's... (chuckles) Unless Harry's becomes the leading brand, in which case, http://harrys.com/biggestproblem.
Dick: Fuck the SECOND guy, then.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs with Denzel) Guys, I got a real...I got a real problem.
Dick: 'Kay.
Maddox: Thanks, Denzel, but I got the real biggest problem...
Dick: Good.
Maddox: ...in the universe. Wallets! ('ding!' sound effect) (applause sound effect)
Dick: Ohhh.
Denzel: Okay...
Maddox: Ahahaaa, yeah! Wallets. (smiling)
Denzel: Okay.
Dick: I agree with you right away.
Maddox: Oh yeah??
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Okay, good! Wallets are bullshit, guys. Wal-...did you guys know that the word "wallet" comes from the 14th-century Latin word for "slow-thinking, underachieving dullard who's a slave to convention"? (Denzel laughs) Yeah, that's true. (background laughter)
Dick: Is that...what do you mean?
Denzel: A slave to convention. (grinning)
Dick: How true is...what do you mean by "true"?
Maddox: Like, 100% true.
Dick: H-...? Okay.
Maddox: Just look it up in the dictionary.
Dick: Eh...
Maddox: It's a slow thinker.
Dick: I'll just believe you.
Maddox: A slope-headed moron. Yeah, thank you.
Denzel: Slope-headed?
Maddox: Yeah. (smiles) Sl-...a slopey...slopey-foreheaded morons.
Sean: Whooooa.
Dick: Yeah?
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Ohohooooo!
Maddox: Wait, that's not rac-...is that racist?!?
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, it is!!
Maddox: YOU'RE a slope...WHAT?! (giggles)
Dick: It's racist!
Denzel: I mean, like...I think that's...
Sean: Yeeeeeeah.
Denzel: That's, like, an old racial slur for Asian...
Maddox: (shouts unintelligibly) It's not a fuckin' racial slur!!
Dick: Ohhhohohoho, you are so busted!
Denzel: ...Asian people.
Maddox: NO! Is it?!? (background giggling)
Denzel: Look...
Dick: Here you go!!
Maddox: I'm...okay, let's take a verdict. Everyone...by show of hands, who thinks that has any racial connotation?
Dick: Yep!
Maddox: Okay, fuck you guys!!
Dick: Of course it does. (grinning)
Maddox: That's bullshit! (Denzel laughs) It's sayin-...what...what is the ra-...?!
Dick: Of course it does.
Maddox: 'Cause it...it refers to, like, cavemen! Slope-headed foreheads! Cavemen.
Dick: Oh, so you're saying that saying originated with cavemen?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Like a bunch of Neanderthals and...
Maddox: Neanderthals!
Dick: ...Cro-Magnons were sitting around and they said, "These slope-headed Neanderthals."
Maddox: Nooo!
Dick: "They're always fuckin' things up." (background laughter)
Maddox: We...WE say that about people, like you're...you're cave-like.
Dick: Ahh.
Maddox: You're like a Neanderthal. Right??
Denzel: Troglodyte.
Dick: Always givin' people more credit than they deserve.
Maddox: Is that...right?!
Dick: Nooo. (laughing)
Sean: "Slope" refers to Asians. (Maddox yells unintelligibly)
Maddox: NO, THAT'S...SEAN, N-...not the -
Dick: (interjects) Not s-...not "slope-headed."
Maddox: Nope! Yeah, Sean.
Denzel: Not "slope-headed." Oookay.
Sean: No, not "slope-headed."
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: But still, let's...
Maddox: Slope-hea-...what is "slope-headed"...what race is "slope-headed"??
Dick: Let's hear the wallet... (Denzel laughs) Let's hear the wallet problem.
Maddox: Does anyone have that? No one has that. You guys are all chickenshit.
Sean: I haven't heard "slope-headed."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Which I...I don't think, but I mean, if you just...
Dick: That's because you don't talk to your racist Twitter followers all the time. (everyone laughs)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like this guy.
Sean: Yeah.
Maddox: Anyway, guys. A wallet is basically a purse for men. (background snickering) (giggles)
Denzel: Go on.
Sean: Okay.
Dick: 'Kay. (smiles)
Denzel: I mean...
Maddox: You may think it's manlier because it's in your back pocket, but that's not manly. It's a purse. It's a purse, guys. It's a purse!! You're carrying around a purse! Everyone's carrying around a purse. And everyone has too many cards!
Dick: What are you...what makes it a purse?
Maddox: That it carries your shit with you, and you're putting it in your back pocket.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Women can have small purses. I've seen 'em snatch that purse and -
Dick: (interjects) I've seen a purse so small, you can barely even see it. (grins) (everyone laughs)
Maddox: Mhm! It's the government of purses. Um, so anyway, yeah. It's just a purse. And everyone has too many cards. Everyone, I want you to take our your wallets right now.
Dick: M'kay.
Maddox: All the... (stammers) Sean, Denzel? Everyone...uh, Dick -
Dick: (interjects) Randy.
Maddox: Rand-...Candy Randy Bo-Bandy, take out your -
Sean: (interjects) Hey!
Maddox: Take out your purse.
Sean: Where's my wallet?? (Dick cackles) Denzel? (everyone laughs loudly)
Maddox: Red card!
Denzel: Oh, shit. (laughing)
Maddox: Give fu-...
Denzel: Red card.
Maddox: ...fuckin' Sean a red card over there!
Denzel: Red card.
Maddox: Yeah. Give that...more red cards!!
Denzel: Red card.
Maddox: Hand him all the red cards! (Dick giggling hysterically)
Denzel: Oh my goodness. (cracks up)
Maddox: Plaster...plaster Sean's apartment with red wallpaper. Holy shit, Sean.
Denzel: Oh, shit. (quietly, laughing)
Sean: Uh, lemme just break in. "Slopehead" is a racial slur...
Dick: Yep!
Sean: ...for Chinese. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: Ohhhhh, alright!
Maddox: I bet not a single one of you motherfuckers were thinkin' that, were you?
Dick: Sean, that's the first thing he said!!
Maddox: (yells) Well, that's not what I meant!! Clearly! (Denzel giggles) A slopehead is a Chinese?! Since when??
Dick: (chuckles) Since the 1800s, probably?
Maddox: Randy, is that Urban Dictionary? Fuck you, Randy. (background laughter)
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: I trust...I trust the Racial Slur Database.
Dick: Okay, you enormous racist. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: It says...Urban Dictionary...it says "Chinaman." (Denzel guffaws) But I said "Chinese" to make it legitimate.
Maddox: Oh, it says "Chinaman"?
Sean: Yes.
Maddox: Okay. Well, that makes it less racist, I think. 'Cause two racist words cancel each other out.
Sean: Ahh.
Maddox: Yeah. That's true.
Dick: Well, next week we'll be bringing in "Being Chinese." (Maddox and Denzel laugh)
Maddox: I know a couple Chinamen. So anyway, uh... (giggles with Denzel) So anyway, guys, wallets. Wallets are purses for men. They're purses for everyone.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: They're stupid. Here's the thing, guys. Everyone has too many cards in their wallets. Why the fuck are we carrying around so many cards? How many cards do you have in your wallet, Dick? Sean? (Dick sighs quietly) I want you guys to count right now how many cards you have, and how many of them do you actually use? I'm gonna bet...I'm gonna guess...
Dick: Alright, I got one...
Maddox: ...each of you have 8 or 9 cards.
Dick: One, two, three, four...
Sean: I have four.
Denzel: I have four as well.
Dick: Did you count every card?
Denzel: Or five.
Dick: Like, insurance cards too?
Maddox: Business cards count too! Insurance cards count.
Dick: Who do you think has the most cards?
Sean: No business cards.
Dick: In here?
Maddox: I think...I think you do, Dick. I think you have the most cards.
Dick: Maybe you're right.
Maddox: Unless Randy's pulling his wallet out. What do you got here?
Denzel: I have a total of five cards in my wallet.
Maddox: Denzel has five cards.
Dick: What do you got, Sean?
Sean: I'm just kidding. I have a fuckload. I'm not taking them out.
Dick: Oh, take them out!!
Maddox: Ahahahahaaaaa, yeah. (smug) You know, what would you estimate, Sean? Just hold your wallet up. Let's take a look at your wallet here. Look at that shit, man! You have, like, at least...at least 20 or 30 cards in there!
Sean: No, not 20.
Dick: What do you have in there??
Sean: Probably like 15, 20? I've got...
Dick: Take some out. What do you have?
Sean: I've got a debit card, two credit cards, a driver's license...like, a thing...a card for, like, GNC? Like a...
Dick: How do you know all of them off the top of your head like that?
Sean: Because I use them all the time!
Maddox: No. Those...the only cards -
Sean: (interjects) A Vons card. You know, 'cause you gotta...
Maddox: You don't need that. You don't need a Vons card.
Dick: You gotta get those deals, son! (grins)
Maddox: No.
Sean: No, that's true. You can type in your phone number.
Maddox: Type in your phone number.
Sean: You're right.
Maddox: Guys...how many do you have, Dick?
Dick: Uhhhh...
Maddox: What's the total count here?
Dick: One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, niiiine...I got some checks in here also.
Maddox: Oh, my GOOOOSH.
Denzel: Oh my god.
Maddox: Look at this shit!
Dick: This is an overseas check I've been carrying around for like 3 years, 'cause I can't find a bank that will cash it. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: I have those too. From, uh, from Amazon.
Sean: I have a £5 note.
Maddox: Uh, great. Very useful, Sean.
Sean: It's the only thing in my wallet.
Dick: Oh, man.
Sean: 'Cause I don't carry my money in my wallet.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: I carry it in my front pocket.
Maddox: Yeah, me too. So -
Dick: (interjects) I got a driver's license, then I got a fuckload of money. (Denzel cracks up)
Denzel: Why do you have a second wallet in your wallet?
Maddox: Ohhh my god, you have a second wallet in your wallet, Dick! (everyone else laughs)
Dick: Yeah! 'Cause -
Maddox: (interjects) What the fuck is this?!
Dick: In case I need to, like, get into action real fast, I can bust this second wallet out of my wallet!
Maddox: Ughhh, godddd. (Denzel laughing) Yeah.
Dick: Like Optimus Prime, and then I can go incognito...
Maddox: This is like...
Dick: ...and leave my wallet behind, like if I need to leave my wallet with someone, I say, "You take this wallet...uh, and hold it here for me. I'm gonna take the stuff I need."
Maddox: Yeah. (surly)
Dick: "And go...into action."
Maddox: Well, speaking of taking the stuff you need, that's not this wallet-ception you have going on here... (Dick giggles) But what you do... (stammers) I started to look at my wallet critically a long time ago. Probably about, uh, 6-7 years ago, when I pulled out my wallet and I was cleaning it out, and I was takin' all these cards out. There were, like, old business cards of people I've met at parties, there were old...grocery store coupon cards, and Blockbuster cards, and my university ID cards; all this shit. I thought, "My god, the only thing I ever use in my wallet is my driver's license and my one or two credit cards. What if I just started carrying around my one or two credit cards and my driver's license?" And that's my wallet today. Here's my wallet. I'm pulling it out...bam. Right here. It's like 3 cards. That's like -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, but you don't have a wallet. You just have cards in your pocket.
Maddox: Yeah! 'Cause I don't...it's not a hassle and I don't lose them, and it's not uncomfortable to sit on. They don't look like a giant bulgy pile of shit in your pants that makes you look frumpy as FUCK. You guys...you all look like...you all look like morons with your giant wallets walkin' around. You got big...big old bundle of bullshit in your pocket.
Sean: If I'm well dressed, I will not carry a wallet in my back pocket. 'Cause you're right, it does look bad.
Maddox: Right!
Dick: Put it in the front pocket.
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: But...
Dick: That's what the suit's for.
Maddox: Then it's, like, bulgy as fuck!
Sean: Well, then it...well, sometimes, but you can see it if you're wear-...say you're wearing a dress shirt. Not, like, a full suit.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: But you're wearing a dress shirt, might be tucked in in your pants. You'll still see the...if you put it in your front pocket, you'll still see it.
Maddox: And you sit down on this thing, it gives you back problems. These giant-ass wallets everyone's sitting on, that you got so much meat in those wallets, you're sitting down on them; it's uncomfortable. You got this big bulge in your pants. You can't...you shift to the other side, and your butt can't get comfortable, and it's leavin' a big dent, and it's wearing down your jeans, you've got a hole in your pants...
Dick: Mm.
Maddox: Guys, rethink the wallet! Be smart. I'M THE GENIUS. What I did is I just took my driver's license and two credit cards, 'cause Sean, I bet after the first four or five cards that you named, you can't li-...name the rest of the cards in your wallet. You gotta...you got so much shit in there.
Sean: I have a few business cards to, like, uh...music places. They do repairs, or whatever.
Maddox: So write...so scan them, take a picture of it, throw it away! Done.
Sean: You know, that's a...it's a good idea!
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: I'm totally on board.
Maddox: So here's what I do.
Dick: (interjects) Wait, wait. You're on board with the having, like, a fistful of cards in your pocket?
Maddox: It's not a fistful! I have three cards!
Sean: No, you can have a...you can have, like, a...they make metal clips.
Dick: Ohh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah! You can get a clip -
Dick: (interjects) Do you have that?
Maddox: No, I don't need it. I don't need it. It's three cards, guys. If you can't -
Dick: (interjects) Do you have any money??
Maddox: I do!
Dick: In your pocket?
Maddox: So here's the thing. Here's how...here's how brilliant my plan is. 'Kay? So I rethought the wallet. Wallets keep cash and credit and your driver's license in it. That's all you ever need. I thought about it, and I thought, "Well, if I'm ever gonna reach into my wallet for cash, then I'm not gonna be reaching in for the card. And vice versa. If I need a card, I'm not gonna be using cash." So I put my cards in my back pocket, my cash in the front pocket. I never have to reach into the same pocket twice for two different things.
Dick: Aren't you worried about losing it?
Maddox: No! I never lose anything.
Dick: Like, if you're sitting down and it falls out?
Maddox: Nope! Never lose anything.
Dick: Or like if you reach into your pocket and get your keys and pull 'em out, it'll pull the money out too?
Maddox: Never happens. Never happens.
Dick: Hmm.
Maddox: I put my car keys in my back left, my house keys in my front right, and I segregate those two. Here's the other benefit to segregating your wallet...and sorry to talk about segregation, Denzel. (laughs with Denzel)
Dick: I mean, that's like...obvious red card again!
Sean: He is just...
Denzel: Gosh! (smiling)
Dick: He just can't help himself!
Denzel: Can't believe this.
Maddox: That's the second red card. This is bullshit. Um... (Denzel guffaws) So here's why. Also, if you lose your wallet, you lose EVERYTHING. But if I lose one card, or if I lose a little bit of cash, like, I'm not gonna lose my entire wallet. I'm not gonna lose my ID, I'm not gonna lose my credit cards, I'm not gonna have to cancel everything. Now, there is one potential drawback to this, if you travel to a high-crime region. Like, sometimes I go to Mexico, and in Mexico, if I'm going to go to an area where I think I might get mugged or I might have to bribe a cop, I carry a fake wallet with me. (Dick smirks) And I put in that fake wallet -
Dick: (interjects) 'Kay, there it is.
Maddox: A $20 or a...a $20 and a $10, like 30 bucks, and if you -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause that's how they won't think it's fake?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: And a few fake IDs. I'm like, "Oh...oh, please don't hurt me! Please don't hurt me! Here you go. Here's my w-...here's my wal-..." Because if someone mugs you and you say you don't have a wallet, then you're gonna be in trouble. They're gonna think you're an asshole and you're lying to them, and they might cause you some harm. But with the fake wallet, THAT'S the genius.
Dick: Really?
Maddox: You hand 'em the fake wa-...yeah!!
Dick: You carry around a fake wallet when you're in, like, a...like an octopus shooting ink out of it when it's getting attacked? (Maddox chuckles)
Denzel: What do you do if you get mugged more than once, though?
Maddox: I have two...
Dick: That's a good question!! (everyone laughs)
Maddox: I...Denzel, good question! I have two fake wallets. (Denzel guffaws)
Dick: Do you really?
Maddox: I really do!
Dick: Maddox, have you ever been mugged??
Maddox: No.
Dick: What are the odds of getting mugged in these places?
Maddox: Eh, not...not too high, but if it happens...
Dick: Not TOO high.
Maddox: No, not too high.
Dick: Like, extremely low?
Maddox: I generally only take fake wallets with me if I'm traveling in rough areas in Mexico, if I'm traveling through Tijuana or Juarez, you know? Make some...make some transactions, make some deals, huh?
Denzel: Mhm, mhm.
Maddox: Drugs?
Dick: No.
Maddox: No? (Dick laughs) Okay. Nah, yeah, you know. I don't do drugs. Anyway!
Sean: This is a guy who's talking about "keystrokes" constantly. (Dick and Denzel laugh) I don't think he's hookin' up drugs.
Dick: No.
Maddox: No, I...so you can carry a fake wallet in those instances where you need one, but really guys, you should go through your wallets today. All the listeners, go through your wallet! You don't use anything other than your ID, your credit card, and your cash. Put your cash in a different pocket. You NEVER need your cash and credit card at the same time.
Sean: I'm totally on board. I'm doing this.
Maddox: Amen, Sean. Because really, you don't need anything! And maybe your insurance ID card. There's a website here. It's called, uh, DumbLittleMan.com, and... (chuckles) They're talkin' about how to cut down on the wallet size, and this guy says, "Stick to the 1-2-2 rule." He says, "Credit and debit cards are a little easier. If you have more than two cards in your wallet you may need to rethink your credit and spending habits." Really, guys, if you have more than two credit cards in your wallet, what the hell are you doin' with your life? Why do you need that much credit? You should probably not spend money that you don't have. "Just carry the two credit cards or debit cards with the lowest rate on them, and you'll be forced to save money if you don't have a plethora of cards to choose from."
Sean: That's not necessarily what you're doing with two credit cards, though. You can use them to buy things that you do have the cash for, pay them off at the end of every month, and increase your credit score dramatically.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Oh, right, right. To build credit, of course. Yeah.
Sean: If you're really responsible.
Dick: For everyone that has, like, a deal on gas or groceries.
Maddox: Yeah. But you can rotate -
Dick: (interjects) Or, like, you have a business.
Maddox: Yeah, but you can rotate those cards if you need to. This guy says, "I try to follow the 1-2-2 rule: 1 ID, 2 forms of payment, and 2 insurance cards (health and auto) and that usually does it." And really, you don't even need your auto insurance. You leave that in the car.
Dick: I think I'd be too worried about losing all of my shit. Like, even in my own apartment. Coming home and just throwing my money everywhere and my credit cards, like "Welp, I guess I'll see you guys when I'm sober! Uhh..." (everyone laughs) "Have fun playing around my apartment like 'Toy Story' while I'm passed out in the shower."
Sean: Well, you have to get drunk to remember where the fuck you threw it.
Dick: Well, I always have...I like to leave a trail from my front door to my bed of all my shit. Like keys, phone, wallet, pants...shoes...
Maddox: Dick, um...the thing is, when you come into the house and you take the wallet out of your pants, throw it somewhere, it's usually because it's uncomfortable. You no longer have to do that with this new system. You leave it in your pants, you sit down everywhere comfortably, you can fly on planes without havin' to move your wallet or take it out and put it in your front pocket, or whatever the...corny bullshit you nerds are doing with all your crap you're carrying around. Buncha GARBAGE. You guys are like walking librarians! (background laughter) (stammers) With, like, a history of every party you've been to, carrying around in your pocket. Receipts?! Fuck receipts! Vote up Receipts, guys!
Dick: Do I have any receipts in here?
Maddox: Take that shit out. Throw it away! Anyway, this guy...this website, too, adds another thing. There's a...there was a website, it was called "Just One Club Card." It's now defunct, but it's a nice...uh, this is from Dumb Little Man. It says, "It's a nice application that puts 8 barcodes on one printed card that I carry around. I actually played around with a resizing tool to fit much more on it with both sides." If you really need any extra cards -- grocery cards, GNC discount cards, gym cards, anything you want -- if you really wanted to, you could put all of that on one piece of paper with the bar codes. It's so simple. Cut down the bulge in your pants, guys. You don't need it. Ladies, you don't need this bullshit. Cut it down to two cards, one ID. DONE. That's my problem.
Dick: OR, ramp it up! Get a fanny pack.
Denzel: Yeeeeah. (Maddox laughs) (background laughter)
Dick: Get a wallet -
Denzel: (interjects) They make nice fanny packs now.
Dick: Yeah! You need...you could get some hand sanitizer, put it in there? Get a buncha cards. Get way more cards than you'd ever dream of.
Maddox: Great. (annoyed)
Dick: Get all your...all your IDs from high school and college, all the way back. Put a little Leatherman tool in there!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You never know!
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: When you might need to unscrew something, or saw something with a 3-inch-long serrated blade that couldn't cut through anything. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: Ohhh. There's so many different types of wallets. There's money clips, there's double fold bills, there's trifold bills, there's...uh, long wallets, short wallets, there's wallets within wallets like you have, Dick! There's just wal-...too many wallets, guys. Get rid of your wallets. You don't need 'em.
Dick: Yeah, I do...I...well, I use this when I go to the gym. I just pop it out. Alright. Is that your problem?
Maddox: That's my problem, Dick. What do you got?
Dick: That's a good problem. I don't think it's as good as yours. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: As Denzel's?
Dick: It doesn't involve fake...like, uh, fake escape mechanisms for getting mugged. (Denzel laughs) (background laughter)
Maddox: YEAH. Wait, who? Who are you talkin' about?
Denzel: So...so, you -
Dick: (interjects) Do you have any more? I'm talkin' to you.
Maddox: Me? Yeah!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No, my problem is huge, Denzel. I'm sorry y-...oh, you got your black thing, but my... (Denzel laughs) I'm segregating too. I'm talkin' about segregation!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Segregate your cards!
Denzel: So, okay. Lemme ask you this.
Maddox: Okay.
Denzel: So you have two fake wallets. (Dick and Maddox giggle) You get mugged three times. Do you just... (Maddox giggles loudly) Do you give your...your real wa-...
Sean: (interjects) You need to get the fuck outta that neighborhood.
Maddox: Yeah.
Denzel: Do you give away your real wallet, or do you say, "Sorry, I got mugged twice"?
Maddox: Denzel, if I -
Denzel: (interjects) "I hope you understand."
Maddox: If I get mu-... (cracks up) Denzel, if I get mugged a third -
Sean: (interjects) Like you're talkin' to a homeless guy! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. If I get mugged -
Sean: (interjects) "Oh sorry, I'm all outta change. Gave it to the other two."
Maddox: If I get mugged a third time, I will reach into my actual cash pocket and then pull out my cash, which is...which is usually on the order of like 40 bucks, and then I'm out 40 bucks. And then...and Denzel, let me predict your next rebuttal, which is, "What if you get mugged a fourth time?" Denzel, we're not living in Nickelodeon! Okay? This is not like some "Looney Tunes" universe where you just keep getting mugged. If I get mugged once, I'm gonna go to the cops and I'm gonna get my second wallet, my second fake wallet, and then carry on, and then I'm gonna have my second...
Dick: That's... (laughing) You're definitely in "Looney Tunes" land. (everyone laughs) When you're talkin' about carrying around fake wallets in case you get mugged.
Maddox: Yeah. It's smart! I think it's smart. And I have fake IDs in there, and I have all sorts of, like, crap in there. I...you know what I do, is I take business cards for people I don't ever plan on talking to again, and I put them in my fake wallet to give to the homeless person. (Dick and Denzel laughing) Mhm!
Dick: Why do you have such an elaborate scheme for getting mugged??
Maddox: It's just smart.
Dick: Have you ever been mugged?
Maddox: No! (background laughter) But I'm prepared!
Dick: In case it happens? What if you panic and accidentally, like, reach for your money? Then you're gonna look real stupid with your fake wallet there, the whole...
Maddox: Oh, you...no, but you -
Dick: (interjects) Do you practice, is what I'm saying. Like, do you practice getting mugged in front of the mirror? (Denzel and Maddox laugh) So you make sure you reach for the fake wallet?
Maddox: I do...I do put my fake wallet where you would expect a wallet to be if I travel to an unsafe area. But the other thing is, the other benefit...this is, like, just nothin' but benefits. I'm so brilliant. Um, you're not gonna get pickpocketed. When you go to...when you travel to an unsafe area, if you're ever in Europe and you're on a subway and you're in close quarters, you're not gonna get pickpocketed because your cash is in the front pocket. And I...oh, actually, someone tried to pickpocket me in Hong Kong a long time ago.
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: I was on the subway and I felt something in my back pocket, like a hand try to reach into my back pocket, and I just kinda chuckled. I'm like, "Go ahead, idiot. What are you gonna take? What are you gonna take, my driver's license? What are you gonna do with that, dipshit?? I have all my cash in my front pocket." And I turned around...I didn't even bother lookin' to see. I didn't give a shit. No one's gonna steal anything from me. I have all my cash in my front pocket; you're not gettin' in there. You might get more than you bargained for if you do, though.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Mhm!
Dick: Hey, I just realized something. Denzel, you gotta check your privilege. 'Cause I bet you're not worried about getting mugged when you're walking around, are you? (Denzel and Maddox laugh)
Denzel: Oooh.
Dick: So maybe vote DOWN Being Black as a problem. I don't know!
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: Alright, I...here's my problem: Google Delegators.
Maddox: What the hell is that, Dick?
Dick: When you're...you're sitting on your device...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...minding your own business, cruising GoneWild on Reddit or whatever you happen to be doing.
Maddox: Mhm.
Dick: And somebody comes along and says, "Hey, uh...hey, I wonder what time the gym closes today. Will you just Google that for me?"
Denzel: Augh.
Maddox: Ohhh.
Denzel: I hate that.
Dick: I know.
Denzel: I hate that.
Maddox: They delegate Google tasks to you.
Dick: Yeah, I know! I'm not Siri.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: I'm doing my own thing.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I'm involved in my own world that I'm in to escape from YOU. Don't bring your world into here, poisoning mine.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: Oh, I know who -
Dick: (interjects) Right?
Sean: I know who inspired this one.
Dick: Everybody!! (Denzel laughs) Everybody! Everybody does this to me all the time. "Hey, what time's the movie? J-j-j-j-j-j...just pull out your phone and check it out for me. Oh, you're on your...?" As soon as you open your computer: "Hey hey hey, can you Google this for me, uh, real quick? I've been thinking about it all day. I just wanna know how many bananas someone eats every year." (Denzel snickers)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "Can you just throw that on Google for me? You're not doing anything." Like, "Well, I am. I'm doing the Google myself. I don't have time for all YOUR Googling."
Maddox: What are you Googling?? (cracks up) That's so important, that you can't be interrupted?
Dick: Told you. GoneWild, always, on R-... (everyone else laughs)
Denzel: Jeez.
Dick: It's like...it's someone...I don't know the word for it. It's someone prof-...making you do some-...their labor; THEY'RE profiting from it, and you get nothing out of it! (Denzel laughs) And you have no choice! They oblige you to do it. I don't know what that's called, but that's what this is.
Maddox: Yeah, um, I don't know that...
Dick: Not laughing.
Maddox: ...that people are...I d-... (cracks up)
Dick: Not laughing over here. Why?
Maddox: I don't know that people are profiting, Dick...
Dick: They are!!
Maddox: ...from your Google searches that you're doing for them. They're not comin' to you, "Hey Dick, I got a real hot stock tip! Can you look this up for me real quick??"
Denzel: Ooo.
Dick: I'M -
Maddox: (interjects) "I'm about to place an order!" (giggles)
Dick: I'm working my fingers to the bone here for them, and I get nothing out of it!
Maddox: Yeah. You're not workin' your fingers...
Dick: I'll just...I'll be PUNISHED if I don't do it! It's...
Maddox: Well, what about voice searches, Dick? Are you okay with voice searches?
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: Like if someone came over to you and said, "Dick, I need you to look up what a slopehead is. Is that...is that a racist...?" (Denzel laughs) "Is that a racist, uh, epithet?" And you say, "Well, I don't know! Let's check Siri," or whatever horseshit you're usin'. Siri, right? With your Apple phone?
Dick: No, I don't use Siri.
Maddox: What do you use?
Dick: My fingers! What do you mean, "what do I use"?
Maddox: Oh, you...oooo, whoa! Gettin' romantic on your phone.
Dick: What do you...?! (everyone else laughs) Does anyone use Siri?? Do you use a vocal s-...a voice search?
Maddox: I use vocal...I use voice search all the time on my phone, 'cause it works great! On my phone, my voice detection works pretty well.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: It doesn't work when it comes to text messages. It's garbage. I hate touch screens, but when it comes to Google searches, I don't know what kind of magic they're doing. But it's, uh, it's way better than any other voice recognition software I've used. Not perfect, but way better. And I do search...I do do voice searches on there.
Dick: No, I don't do those. They're dumb.
Maddox: Hm.
Dick: I just type the words in.
Maddox: Type the words?
Dick: Don't fiddle around with all this voice shit.
Maddox: But you're workin' your fingers...your poor fingers to the bone!
Dick: It's slavery, is what I'm saying. (Maddox and Denzel giggle) That was the joke. That was the joke. Happy Black History Month.
Maddox: Perfect.
Dick: Slavery.
Maddox: Hey, we're all bringing in black-related problems. I have the segregating wallets, you have your sla-...your phone...your finger slavery... (Denzel laughs)
Dick: Yeah!!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It sucks!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I get it!
Sean: How did THAT not get a card?
Maddox: Yeah, give...
Denzel: Oh yeah. Finger slaves. (smiles)
Maddox: Who gets a card, Denzel?
Denzel: Um, both of you.
Dick: It's funny, you can say racist epithets... (inaudible, talking over each other)
Denzel: I'm gonna...
Maddox: We both...he's tearing the red card in half. We're both ge-...Sean gets all the -
Denzel: (interjects) That's for you, that's for you.
Sean: No, I've gotten like 2 or 3 today!
Maddox: Yeah, you should get more.
Sean: Okay.
Maddox: You get my half. I'm givin' it to Sean.
Sean: Thank you. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: You still get it.
Dick: I'm just gonna start givin' people bum information when they say "Google it."
Maddox: Yeah! Why not?
Dick: "Google it for me." "Okay."
Maddox: That's funny. Dick, I would expect you to do that first, because you tend towards chaos.
Dick: "When's the gym close?" "Eh, 2 in the morning."
Denzel: "How many wallets should I carry in other countries?" (Sean and Dick laugh)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: One. You're a man. You should carry one wallet. (Denzel laughs)
Maddox: Zero.
Dick: At all times.
Maddox: Zero wallets at all times.
Dick: That's how.
Maddox: Wallets are dumb.
Dick: Three billion searches every day.
Maddox: Three billion?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: How many of those do you think are delegated, Dick?
Dick: Probably 90%? (everyone else laughs)
Maddox: Sure. So just people standing around without smart phones of their own, being like, "Hey, can you Google something for me? I need a quick it." (giggles)
Dick: Yeah, that's what they do! I don't know what the psychology is behind that.
Maddox: Why does it bother you so much?
Dick: 'Cause I don't wanna be...I don't wanna be doing the Googling! It's a pain in the ass. I wanna do what I was doing. You got a phone. You use your phone.
Maddox: Hmm.
Denzel: What if their phone is dead?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Well, you know what I was thinking? So the only reason I was thinking that somebody could do this to you and not be a dickhead is that they suck at Googling.
Sean: Oh yeah. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: Right??
Sean: It's the only...see, this never happens to me except, like, with my father.
Dick: Can't Google it!
Sean: No, the world has passed him by. He doesn't understand...
Dick: No!
Sean: ...the phone, the computer. If he knows where something is, he can remember the path to get it, but he doesn't understand the whole concept.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: So asking him to Google something? He's just never gonna do it.
Dick: And it doesn't help to send them the "Let Me Google It For You" links.
Sean: That's pretty funny. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: 'Cause then they think you're an asshole.
Maddox: That's fun. I send that a lot.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I s-...I remember the first time I sent it was on a mailing list of friends, and it was kind of like an inside joke mailing list. A lot of friends would pass it back and forth all day long. "Hey, check this out." "Hey, did you hear this hot gossip over here?" And I...someone asked a very Google-able question in the thread. They said, "What is this movie about?" And rather than Google it for him, I sent him the "Let Me Google That For You" link; got dropped from the mailing list. (everyone laughs)
Sean: If you sent that link to my dad, he would think you're helping him.
Dick: Yeah!!
Sean: He would think that's doing it for him. "Oh, thanks!"
Maddox: You know what? Fuck it. Let them see that slow-ass cursor go across the screen.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I love seein' that shit. It's so condescending. I love that.
Dick: Yeah. But I do think...I do think it could try to help people, like, learn how to do the Googling.
Maddox: The "Let Me Google That For You"?
Dick: Like, instead of just...yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Instead of just being like a "fuck you"...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...it could also say, like, "Hey, you coulda just typed all the words in here."
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: I dunno.
Maddox: Especially people who don't understand exact quote searches, which is...guys, if you want the exact phrase, put it in quotes. Super simple. One thing Google is not really great at for searching is syntax. Google gets all confused and, uh, muddled when you type in certain syntax, because it kinda confuses it with flags that you can put into your Google searches. I'm gettin' into really advanced territory. (Denzel laughs) You guys aren't at my level yet. I know.
Dick: Yeeeeah. (skeptical) Advanced? I don't know.
Maddox: You know that, Denzel, right? Engineer right here!
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Mhm!
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: Alright. That's my problem.
Maddox: So Google Delegators.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uh...do you have any problems with any other types of gators?
Dick: Uh, no. They're all great.
Maddox: Alligators?
Dick: Alligators are great. You can bring those in.
Maddox: Yeah? Okay. (laughs loudly)
Denzel: They make nice shoes.
Maddox: Just the Google Delegators.
Dick: (laughs) They make nice shoes? Did I hear that?
Denzel: Yeah.
Dick: Oh.
Denzel: Yeah.
Maddox: Nice shoes, uh-huh.
Dick: Does that fit any, uh...?
Denzel: Oh, they also make great sausage.
Maddox: Yeah, that's true!
Dick: Oh yeah, that's true. That's true.
Maddox: I've had alligator sausage. Delicious. Poop it out.
Dick: Alright. (Denzel laughs) Let's wrap this up.
Maddox: (giggles) Alright, guys.
Dick: Thanks, Denzel. Do you have any, um, shitty comedy projects you want us to pitch on here like all the other guests? (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Dick: (guffaws) No. (Dick giggles) No. Uh...
Maddox: What a hater. (snickers)
Denzel: You can follow me on Twitter, and...say mean things to me on the Internet @ThatDenzel.
Dick: Yeah.
Denzel: It's spelled normally.
Maddox: @ThatDenzel. We will link to it on the website. We would like to actually have you back at some point if you do...uh, to hear some of the comments you may have received for this episode. (Denzel laughs) It'd be kinda fascinating.
Dick: It sounds like it'd be hard to say mean things to you. Like, it sounds like you just get mean things said to you frequently!
Denzel: Eh.
Dick: I mean, that's...I'm...
Denzel: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: I can relate to that, 'cause I get the same thing.
Denzel: I mean...
Dick: Like, someone calls me "asshole" every day on hate mail, but it's a little different for you.
Denzel: You did write a book.
Dick: Well, you know. Yeah. (quietly) (Denzel laughs) Yeah. I deserve it! That's the difference.
Maddox: Yeah Denzel, you're a s-...
Dick: I am the bad guy.
Maddox: You're a super nice guy. You're, like, one of the nicest guys I've ever met, next to me. I'm the nicest. (Denzel laughs)
Dick: Well...
Maddox: (theme riff starts) Anyway guys, my problem this week is Wallets.
Denzel: My problem is Being Black.
Dick: My problem is Google Delegators.
Maddox: Thanks for listening.
(closing riff)
Denzel: See you next Tuesday! (Maddox laughs)
--------------------
Dick: I got a voicemail from Wauterboi.
Maddox: Wauterboi, longtime contributor to the show.
Voicemail (male caller): Hello, my name is Wauterboi, and I really enjoyed the Internet Addiction problem. The one thing that I wish that was delved into, though, was kind of the stigma that, um... (inaudible) ...go around the, uh...ah, fuck. I'm just gonna call again.
(message ends)
(everyone laughs)
Dick: Pretty good point! Here's one from Tim Cook. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: You didn't play his second f-...his second voicemail. (Dick plays next message)
Voicemail (male caller): Yoooo, Maddox. It's your boy Tim Cook!
Maddox: Oh, from Apple!
Voicemail: Presi-...president of Apple!
Maddox: Yeah!
Voicemail: Tiiiim Coooook! PEW PEW PEW PEW PEWWWWW! (everyone laughs) Yo, what you think about me shuttin' down the (inaudible)? I ain't gonna be hustled by no playas from the feds, you know what I'm sayin'?
Maddox: Yeah. (silence) (snickers)
Voicemail: You always talkin' shit about my Apple products, yo! What's up with that??
Maddox: Yeah.
Voicemail: What's up with that, Maddox?
Maddox: Tim Cook is very street.
Dick: Mhm.
Voicemail: Ohh, I bet you met my cousin, Tim Changzzzzz? Maybe you heard about him? (everyone laughs) Anyway, just by chance, if you need a lift, I'm also a part-time Lyft driver. (Maddox giggles) But seriously, hit me up, dude. I need that cash. I really need that cash.
Dick: Hm.
Voicemail: Tiiiiim Cooooook! PEW PEW PEW PEW PEWWWWW!
(message ends)
Maddox: Okay, Tim Cook. (cracking up) Fuck you. I'm tired of Tim Cook AND Tim Changzzzzz. I don't wanna hear anything from Tim Changzzzzz or Tim Cook, any more Tims on this show. I'm putting a blackout on Tims!
Dick: Oh. I don't have any...
Maddox: (interjects) For the rest of 2016. (Denzel chuckles)
Dick: Alright, I got one more. This one...this guy didn't like me. (plays next message)
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Dick, it's Devon from Wisconsin. Mr. Dick Masterson, the not-white-knight, you tricky dick.
Maddox: Mhm.
Voicemail: I'm listenin' to Episode 20 right now, and guess who brought in a problem advocating for women? (silence) (Maddox snickers) And...not having transgendered in the MMA?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, you got me. (chuckling)
Voicemail: "I just want these women to have their own thing! Is that...is that so wrong?"
Dick: Huh.
Voicemail: That's a quote from you, Mr. Dick Masterson, the white knight. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Woooow.
Dick: White knighting it again. (smiling)
Maddox: White knight.
Dick: White knighting again!
Voicemail: How you feel about that?
Maddox: Mhm!
Voicemail: Go fuck yourself.
(message ends)
Maddox: You're the most social of justice warriors. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You even have a podcast where you can espouse your...
Dick: My...
Maddox: ...your social justicing.
Dick: ...social justice warrior problems.
Maddox: Yeah, your warrioring.
Dick: All my microaggressions.
Maddox: Mhm. It's like the Crusades on behalf of feminists.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's what you are over here, the white knight. (giggling) (Denzel laughs) White Knight Denzel and White Knight Dick!
Denzel: Yes.
Maddox: The whitest guys I know. (laughs with Sean)
Denzel: Yes.