Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 87

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's! Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Smelly Conventioneers to Missing Audio Engineers! (Dick laughs loudly) With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy?

Maddox: And Sean is missing this week.

Dick: Sean is missing. Sean is missing and I feel responsible for that, because he's my friend, and, um…I brought him in here to help us.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: But he's not here, once again, uh…he's in jail.

Maddox: He's in jail. (giggles)

Dick: Yes, he's in jail.

Maddox: We got a mug shot from him.

Dick: He farmed the wrong ass. (Maddox giggles) And he got sent to jail. But I have a replacement. He's, a…is a nice young man. Nice young Asian man, so he knows his shit.

Maddox: Whoa, alright.

Dick: A replacement audio engineer. He was my Lyft driver.

Maddox: Okay…(giggles)

Dick: I would like to…yeah, you know. They're chatty.

Maddox: Di…

Dick: (interjects) I'd like to introduce him to you.

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: I…I have full confidence in his abilities.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: It's D…w…DJ Tim…

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Tim: Yo, what up? DJ Tim Changzzzzz in the house, how ya'll FEELIN' tonight?!

Maddox: Dick, what the fuck is this?

Dick: Okay, yeah. But settle down. We talk…

Tim: (interjects) How ya'll feelin' tonight?

Maddox: This is your Lyft driver? What the hell are you doing?

Dick: Yeah. Settle down. (Tim giggles) It's not a DJ type of atmosphere.

Tim: Good to see everybody here.

Dick: It's just an audio engineering…he's a real DJ, though.

Tim: Yeah but I'm…I'm a DJ, though. You can find me at Hit me up, please y'all, I need this money right now, dude. Just hit me up. I'll get all the music for you, man. I'll hit your bar mitzvahs, dude, I'll hit your quinceaneras, dude. Just hit me up.

Dick: So…yeah, okay.

Maddox: So, Tim, you…you are…(giggles) you are a Lyft driver by day, and what? You're a side DJ?

Tim: I'm a Lyft driver by night.

Maddox: Okay.

Tim: Because no one will hire me at night.

Dick: And an asshole by day? What are you…(giggles)

Tim: At nightclubs…

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Tim: I never did a nightclub gig, but I'd be down for it.

Maddox: Oookay. (wary)

Tim: Right? But during the day…if your kids have a birthday party, like, I'll hit y'all up, you know…

Maddox: Oh. So you're doing, like, the birthday…birthday party circuit right now.

Tim: Yeah, you know, I'm humble right now. I'm a humble dude right now, so you know…I'm…I'm gonna start small.

Dick: Yeah.

Tim: Start during the day, but one day, you know, I'm gonna go cr…cr…cr…

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Dick: Alright…(Maddox laughs)

Tim: Crazy.

Maddox: Alright Dick, I don't know what the hell you're doing here. So, Tim, uh…the problems from last week. The biggest problem in the universe.

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: According to voters. Was Presenteeism!

Dick: Oh, really?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Hey, alright!!! (grins)

Maddox: Followed by Sandy Hook Conspiracies. We only had…Sandy Hook Conspiracy Dipshits, I should say. We only had those two problems last time.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um, but uh…yeah.

Dick: Surprisingly prescient. Like, I thought…I hadn't thought about Sandy Hook in two years, and then you brought it in, and the very next day, somebody gets fired because of it.

Maddox: Yeaaaaah. Someone got fired because of it, AND it was all over the news. And so last night, I was listening to Coast to Coast AM, and…(giggles) almost every single call was a…

Dick: (interjects) Was about Sandy Hook?

Maddox: …Sandy Hook Conspiracy Dipshit. And…this is such a h…becoming such a huge problem, because all the callers were from disparate areas in the United States. There was a call from Kentucky. Call from Iowa.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Call from Idaho. Mississippi. All over the United States, in different…you would hope that it's just one group of people somewhere, squirreled away.

Dick: Like in the back woods somewhere?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No, but they're all over the place. Well, that's the Internet. The Internet allows you to just be crazy all over the place.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right? Somebody sent in…a video, proving it. Did you…did you watch that guy's video?

Maddox: What's the video?

Dick: Somebody emailed both of us and said, "Here's why we are asking questions about Sandy Hook." And I was like, "Oh, God."

Maddox: Oh, yeah! I saw that.

Dick: Did you watch the video?

Maddox: Insane.

Dick: (sighs) It…

Maddox: It's…this video…this fucking video…first of all, suggests that the Sandy Hook Conspiracy Theory has something to do with the MK Ultra conspiracy.

Dick: Well, let's just start with the Crisis actors.

Maddox: Oh sure, yeah.

Dick: So…the video is one of the parents at Sandy Hook, or, a grandparent.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Talking about the loss of the kid.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And then it shows the same guy in his commercial roles, like, decades ago.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where he was a commercial actor.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: You know. Um…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they're like, "Well see, there you go."

Maddox: "There you go, he's an actor."

Dick: Like, well…yeah. I think…

Maddox: (interjects) Nothing bad can ever happen to actors! Right?! Except…like, except every single headline at TMZ!

Dick: Everything.

Maddox: Or…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Perez Hilton. This…these fucking shitheads. "Oh, you've…this guy used to be an actor, therefore he's a crisis actor." These guys are EXPERTS. And they're, like, "Well, why didn't he have more tears?" And people say that about Obama, too, it's like, "Why didn't he have tears about this other…this other thing? Or that other event?"

Dick: Ugh, Obama. Too many tears. (Maddox chuckles) Too many fucking tears, man.

Maddox: Oh, that's…that's the OTHER criticism.

Dick: Get the hell outta here, crying on television like that. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: So…

Dick: (interjects) Can you imagine…(stammers) can you imagine that?

Maddox: What?

Dick: Being on TV, crying?

Maddox: Over dead children?

Dick: Ugh…HEY, over anything!! Over anything! (Maddox laughs) What do you…what are you doing?! They're not…

Maddox: I don't know.

Dick: They're not your kids!

Maddox: I've never cried before. Um…this is from…

Dick: Not even as a baby?

Maddox: No. No, never.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: My mom told me. Um, this is from…this is from the New York Times. Uh…over the weekend…we mentioned this just now, but the Florida professor who cast out on mass shootings is fired. Now, he wasn't fired for that reason.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: He was fired for another reason.

Dick: Molesting kids. (giggles) What was he fired for?

Maddox: He was fired because he didn't disclose his outside businesses to the university.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: And he has…a lot of different conspiracy theories. And he…and he TEACHES them in his class, too! And the university said to him, like, "Look, if you wanna talk about this batshit stuff in your class, that's fine, just make sure you say that it doesn't represent the university." He didn't do that. Um, and he didn't disclose it as a side business, so he got fired for that.

Dick: College, man. Is that, like, an Al Capone thing? You know what? I don't care. I don't care about that guy.

Maddox: Uh, and then one other thing. This, uh…I looked on YouTube and you know how last time we talked about these conspiracy theories, uh…theorists making a mint off of these other people suffering with their horseshit.

Dick: Well, you did, but I would like to see some numbers on that.

Maddox: Well, here you go. I got…

Dick: (interjects) Seems like a labor of love, to me.

Maddox: No. I have…I have here, the YouTube ad…the YouTube video with two ads plastered on it. One is on the bottom, for, uh…LLC with free processing to incorporate a business. Another one is for gun safes! A huge selection, up to 50% off. Call us. And it's a gun safe ad.

Dick: Well, you gotta be safe.

Maddox: (scoffs) Great.

Dick: You gotta be safe with your guns. Tim Chains, what are you…are you running any ads on these conspiracy whackos' videos for your bar mitzvah services?

Tim: I feel like there's a conspiracy against me in my life right now, man.

Dick: What is that?

Tim: I feel like…look. Alright…(Dick giggles) I've been attending Santa Monica Community College for the past fo' years. Alright? (Dick guffaws) But I have not graduated yet…(Maddox giggles) I have not graduated yet. I feel like my teacher's holding me back.

Dick: Tchyeah.

Tim: She knows I'm good.

Dick: Yeah.

Tim: She knows I'm good, but she's not letting me, like…she won't let me go back into the studio.

Maddox: How many years have you been…

Tim: Fo'?

Maddox: Four? (guffaws) Why can't you enunciate "R"s, Tim Chains?

Tim: Fo' years!

Dick: Well that was…that was, like, a few more vowels in that "fo". (Maddox giggles)

Tim: Look, man…I need to get back into school. I totally relate to that dude you were just talking about earlier about the university shit.

Dick: Ohhh. You relate to that guy?

Tim: I relate to that dude.

Dick: Okay, why?

Tim: Because I got kicked out of my college. Right? Was that…(stammers) was that what the story was about?

Dick: I have no…yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: He got fired…he got fired for…

Dick: He got fired.

Maddox: …espousing crazy…yeah.

Dick: You got kicked out of college as well.

Tim: Yeah, there you go.

Dick: Why?

Tim: I don't know why he kicked out, but I know why…

Dick: Why did YOU get kicked out?

Tim: I was sleeping with the teacher. (they laugh)

Dick: Okay. I don't believe that.

Tim: Man…

Maddox: Tim Cha…(laughing)

Tim: Not on…not on purpose, though, like, you know.

Maddox: What do you mean, not on purpose?! (laughing)

Dick: Not on purpose? You weren't sleeping with the teacher on purpose!? (grins)

Maddox: Was it a…(inaudible, talking over each other)

Tim: Look. I'm not trying to…

Maddox: She came over and accidentally banged you? What happened?

Tim: It was just…it just happened, you know? It was just like…I was just…(stammers) I was asking her, like, "Yo, how do I use Garage Band better?" (Maddox giggles) and then she was like…

Dick: (interjects) What class was this for?

Tim: This was…this was radio class!

Maddox: Okay. (cracks up)

Dick: Why is there radio class!? (laughing)

Maddox: (laughing) Radio class, huh? Tim's radio class.

Dick: Okay, radio class.

Tim: Radio class!

Dick: You asked her…how do I use Garage Band more better?

Tim: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then what happened?

Tim: And then she started, like, "Yo, like, lemme…lemme come…come after school." (Dick guffaws) Right? "I'll give you a session."

Maddox: Mhmm.

Tim: "Alright? Cause I know you care about the…I know you care about the business."

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Tim: And I'm like "Alright." So I came over, and I don't know, like…I started frisking her…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What the…what does that mean?

Maddox: Like, for a gun? Like, what were you…

Dick: What do you mean, you started frisking her?

Tim: I was friskin' her. She got, like, nice boobs. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Okay.

Tim: Alright?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Tim: And I was like…

Maddox: Everything makes sense up to now, Tim.

Dick: So you frisked her for the boobs?

Tim: Yeah. Well…

Dick: She was smuggling boobs?

Tim: She had nice boobs, but I feel like she let me, you know? I would never do that…

Dick: Well, I hope so.

Tim: She…she let me. And then she started…she kissed. She kissed me first, after I frisked her first.

Dick: Okay.

Tim: Then just…started fucking. (Maddox cracks up)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Okay, Tim. (laughing)

Dick: That's it. Thank you.

Maddox: Thanks…thanks, Dick, for bringing in your Uber driver. It's working out great.

Dick: Here's…Joseph Dunbar said…

Tim: Lyft…Lyft driver. Lyft driver. Lyft.

Dick: "Your caller at the end of the show is…" Yeah, Lyft. Get it right. (Maddox giggles) "…an idiot. Hitler did go to primary school. What Hitler did do was outlaw home schooling in 1938, which is what Maddox wants to do. Maddox = Hitler."

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: There you go. The Hitler war continues.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Um…this one was funny. Did you see this guy on Twitter? He was a f…he was furry, though. He had a fursona. Luka, the fox?

Maddox: No, I don't know what that is.

Dick: He put a quote from you, from the bonus episode, which you can get on our website right now for $1.33! It's a deal.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: It's a deal.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's a hot deal. Um…it is a picture of…you. Saying "I think you should embrace your pain sometimes. I think it can teach you something." Which you said in the bonus episode.

Maddox: Right, yes.

Dick: Uh, right next to it is a picture of Charles Manson.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who said, "Pain is not bad, it's good. It teaches you things." (stammers) a slightly pithier exact version of what you said.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: How does that make you feel?

Maddox: Here. Lemme tell you…lemme give you another version of that quote that…that millions of people wear on T-shirts.

Dick: Here it is.

(they talk over each other, everyone is inaudible)

Dick: Same smile. You smile exactly like Charles Manson as well, talking about pain teaching you things.

Maddox: First of all, I don't. Charles Manson isn't showing any teeth.

Dick: Right, Tim?

Tim: Yeah, that's true, dude, that's true.

Maddox: Shut the fuck up, Tim Chang!!! (Dick cracks up) There's …that's not true! I don't…first of all, Mari…uhh…Charles Manson…

Dick: Charles Manson.

Maddox: …isn't even…isn't even showing any teeth in that smile. It's kind of, like, a weird grin. Anyway.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Here's another version of that quote, that millions of people wear on T-shirts all the time. And, uh…you hear it in gyms. "No pain, no gain."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Is that a…an abstract concept, that people aren't familiar with? No pain, no gain. You gotta work hard for something, and sometimes you endure pain to get to a better place.

Dick: I think it's the teaching part that makes people weirded out. Pain, no gain is in the context of, like, exercise.

Maddox: Everything!

Dick: You're saying..

Maddox: (interjects) No, everything in life! Everything in life worth having is worth struggling for.

Dick: Okay!

Maddox: That's…that's essentially the gist of that…that statement.

Dick: Alright.

Tim: Truuue.

Maddox: True…that's right, Tim Chang! (Dick laughs)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: You've struggled for your garage band…(stammers) you got proficiency in Garage Band…what was this class again?…radio class?

Tim: Radio. Intro to Radio.

Dick: Radio.

Maddox: Intro to Radio, huh? And this…(stammers) this is, like, a contemporary class that's being taught right now at Santa Monica Community College?

Tim: It's taught at every…every school.

Maddox: How many credit-hours is it, Tim?

Tim: Like, three? (Maddox and Dick laugh)

Maddox: Okay.

Tim: Like, three cre…yeah. You know what I mean?

Maddox: Three cr…yeah, I know what you MEAN, yeah. (laughing)

Dick: Yeah.

Tim: TIM CHAAAAAANGGGGZZZ. Pew, pew, pew, pew!!!

Dick: Okay. (Maddox laughs) Great. Here's some voice mail.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, guys. I have got to congratulate you on…once again solving a problem!! Through your show."

Dick: Great.


Dick: Cancer again?

"…have been telling everybody about the biggest fucking problem in the universe not getting enough boobs in Snapchat."

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah. Big problem.

"I have to tell you…after telling at least a good 15, 20 people to listen to this podcast, I have been getting incrementally more boobs in my Snapchat!!"

Maddox: Incrementally!

Dick: That's good!

Maddox: Mhmm.

"Along with horses and dogs and other dipshit items."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, you know, that's…that's your fault.

"But boobs, nonetheless. Dick, Maddox…you guys have won a complete victory in my book. I don't know. And…"

Dick: Well…


Dick: (giggles) Trailing off.

"You're a pretty cool guy too.")

Dick: Ah, well he's not here. He's in jail. Okay.

Maddox: We'll have this…this…that voice mail transcribed and sent to Sean in jail.

Dick: Yeah, pretty good. I like that about this show. That you can complain about something and then make your friends and family listen to it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it's ABOUT them.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: But you don't have to confront them directly.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can just say, "Hey, why don't you go check out this episode?" Right?

Maddox: Yeah! Uh…

Dick: It's very convenient! That's how life should work!

Maddox: Yeah, I…I have sent these episodes to friends in the past, where I thought, "Ahh, maybe they could get something from this." But nobody ever thinks you're talking about them.

Dick: Ohh. That's been your experience?

Maddox: That's been my experience with my whole career. And my whole website.

Dick: You should bring that in as a problem. (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then send it to those people.

Maddox: It's funny, 'cause some of my fans are astute enough to pick that up. They…they say that…"Maddox…" they write in the comments sometimes and say, "Maddox, half the people you're…who are commenting here are people you're talking about." And I think, "Yeah, I know." They..(stammers) it's amazing how it works! It's insane.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: 'Cause I'm talking about these same dipshits, and they're commenting!

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Same people.

Dick: Alright! You wanna do some problems?

Maddox: Yeah, man. I got a problem. I got a real doozy. I got a real doozy over here. This is, um…this is a problem that, uh…that affects mostly larger cities. Larger, urban cities. It's Street Art Abolitionists.

(Sound effect: 'Ding!')

Dick: Oh.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Yeah. Smart. Real smart.

Dick: I…I hate those guys. If I know what you're talking about.

Maddox: Well, what I'm talking about are people who cover up street art.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Murals. Uh…murals are essentially…the first…the first murals were cave paintings, guys. And if we didn't have those, we wouldn't have any kind of historical record of cavemen.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (giggles) What are you…

Tim: That's true.

Dick: I'm…I'm with you! Alright.

Maddox: Thank you, Tim Chang.

Tim: I used to live in a cave.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. (giggles) (Dick guffaws)

Tim: It was for real!!

Maddox: Tim…okay. Where was your c…where did you live in this cave?

Dick: What cave did you live in? What are you talking about?

Tim: Uh…Huntington Beach. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: What s…

Tim: Huntington Beach.

Maddox: That actually sounds reasonable. There's probably..

Tim: There are caves in Huntington Beach.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You mean, literally, you lived in a cave?

Tim: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Tim: For, like, several weeks, but you know. I'm good now.

Maddox: Did you leave any murals? Any…any marks behind?

Tim: That kind of mark, you know what I mean?

Maddox: Okay, yeah.

Dick: Well…

Tim: Yeaaaaaaaah.

Maddox: Alright. We need a UV light to see that.

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

(they crack up)

Maddox: Okaaaaay. Fucking Tim Chang. So fucking annoying!

Dick: Yeah, so…(grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um…what, are you imagining cavemen walking by the ancient murals and scrubbing them off?

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The, uh…real…

Dick: (interjects) Real killjoy.

Maddox: Bureaucratic cavemen.

Dick: They killed all those guys, back then.

Maddox: What?

Dick: Somebody fucks with your art in your cave…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You kill that guy.

Maddox: Well, there's this…there's this new trend; I've been seeing these pictures pop up on Reddit, where a mural will be covered up, and someone will go, in response to it, and spray paint. It says…it says here, "This wall used to have art on it. And now it's covered in dicks." And then they spray paint little dicks all over the wall. (Dick chuckles) And they've been doing this all over the world where people cover up murals.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And…I looked into why this could be a real big problem. And surprisingly, um…this is…this is something that occurs not just with street art, but historical. Historical art. Historical murals. And there's two controversies right now in the news, actually. One from Kentucky and one from Idaho. And it's interesting how they parallel each other, but they are unrelated in the artwork they're talking about. This one…this first clip is from the University of Kentucky. Listen to this. From, Here we go.

(Clip starts: male reporter: "A controversial mural inside a building on UK's campus will soon be covered up. That move comes two weeks after students expressed their concerns about it."

Female reporter: "UK officials say the mural in Memorial Hall shows the history of Lexington, but they also say something about it must change.")

Maddox: So, the mural they're talking about. I looked at it, and it's,'s a mural that was painted in the late, uh…the turn of the century, around that time.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Like, the 1930's, something like that?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It shows the history of Kentucky, more or less, but um…a black…

Dick: Any lynchings?

Maddox: (giggles) No. There were no lynchings. But a black student did notice that there were some depictions of slavery in the mural.

Dick: Well, it happened.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: It happened. Um, and…and the argument is that…that it should be kept up. And I looked into it, and I thought, "Well, I'm fine with it being kept up, so long as it's in an appropriate area, like a museum, or some place where people go to see that sort of thing." So I looked at the building that it was in…

Dick: (interjects) Wait, this is just a mural. This is just a painting on the side of a building. That you're talking about.

Maddox: It's not on the side of a building.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: It's in the lobby of a building.

Dick: Oh, okay. Don't they have the right to put that there?

Maddox: Well, sure, but it…

Dick: (interjects) Is this a ruckus?

Maddox: It should be…it should be in an appropriate building. I thought…

Dick: (interjects) So this…this belongs in a museum? That's what you're saying?

Maddox: It…it…well, hold on. I looked into it to see what the building was that it was in? I thought, "Well if it was something like a dorm, (giggles), or, you know, like, a frat house, or a cafeteria or something, maybe you can move it to a better place." This is in the University of Kentucky Memorial Building.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: The memo…it's a very appropriate building, I think, for this mural to be in.

Dick: Oh, sure.

Maddox: That's…that's kind of what people go there…to see. Is the history of Kentucky and to remember fallen soldiers, and things like that. I think it's…pretty appropriate there. But, uhh…the University of Kentucky right now…uh, I think…I don't know if they've already bowed to the pressure to remove this mural…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: But, uh…but they're considering it.

Dick: But that's not street art. Is it?

Maddox: It's not street art…but, essentially…I looked into what street art…

Dick: I mean, you're talking about, like, graffiti, like, Banksy. Like, I love that shit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: People taking the…I dunno. I wish I knew how to do it. Tim, you probably know how they do this. You get, like, a photocopy. Like, a giant, 6-foot-tall photocopy, and they put 'em on, like, those electric booths. Like, they'll take, like, a big picture of…they'll take, like, an evil-looking picture of some political figure. You know, they…they, like, wash it on!

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Like, all that glue, and they spread it on. And it looks cool!

Maddox: It's…it is cool, and it's…it's a type of social dissent that, uh…that really undermines authority, I think. Because it's illegal. It's illegal.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: But it's also free speech. And it's…it's protest. A lot of times, it's protest against some ugly, intrusive ad, a lot of times. Um…

Dick: Oh, you think so?

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Okay. What about just graffiti? Let's get the scale, here.

Maddox: No. Graffiti is not street art.

Dick: You don't like graffiti?

Maddox: No. Graffiti is noise.

Dick: At what point does the graffiti become art?

Maddox: When it's art. When it's a…

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: When it's a depiction of something. When it's a mural. Um…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Or, if it's done in a stylized fashion. If the street art…if…if they write something in a stylized way.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I guess it's a function…I don't wanna have a strict rule, but it's a function of how much time and effort they put into it. I think.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Um…

Tim: I put a lot of time and effort into my DJ work, man. (they giggle)

Maddox: Tim, it doesn't sound like that.

Tim: And I wanna rem…

Maddox: (interjects) That intro sounds like shit!

Tim: WHAT?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That intro…

(Sound effect: TIM CHANGZZZZZZZZZZZ, Pew, pew, pew, pew!!!)

Dick: Sounds great! What are you talking about?!

Tim: That's…that's the first draft, right there…

Maddox: You didn't…(giggles) You just…(Dick cracks up)

Tim: It's still a good…it's still a good intro…it's still a good intro.

Maddox: You did that with your mouth, dude. There's no instruments or sound effects in there!

(Sound effect: TIM CHANGZZZZZZZZZZZ, Pew, pew, pew, pew!!!)

Maddox: Yeah, okay. We hear it, Tim. No, you don't have to play it anymore.

Dick: Yeah!

Tim: My mouth is my paintbrush. (Dick guffaws, Maddox cracks up) My DJ set is my canVAS.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Someone should cover up your mouth. Remove that mural.

Dick: So who are you talking about here?

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: I don't know…you're talking about the people who…have a problem with murals?

Maddox: Well, yeah. So, a lot of times in…in cities…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh, what people will do to assuage graffiti, by gangs, is to put up some street art. Some murals. And they will…a lot of times, they will commission these very same artists, these graffiti artists, to put up some actual street art. And that's…that's something they do to…because the alternative is to have a bunch of graffiti everywhere.

Dick: Or just a bunch of BORING, grey walls. Fuck that!

Maddox: Yeah. Or boring, grey walls. And it represents the community. And this is actually…uh, there's a book called Viewpoints: Visual Anthropologists at Work. This is kind of funny, here. It says here that a lot of the times, the street art they do encourages cooperation amongst gangs, so…

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: …gang members have to respect each other on some level to say, "Okay. Well, this is actually art." Right? 'Cause sometimes the reason people graffiti is because it's a protest against, uh..a lack of art. And the only thing we see in our outside world is commercial messages.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: There's a city in Brazil that outlawed any kind of commercial messages.

Dick: No ads?

Maddox: In…in public. Yeah. No ads.

Dick: Hmm. (unhappy)

Maddox: And, uh…a bunch of journalists went down there to check it out, and they said it was really refreshing, because you would step outside and be in an urban environment without being constantly bombarded with commercial messages.

Dick: Oh, man. I wish there was the opposite of that somewhere.

Maddox: There is. It's called New York.

Dick: Where, like…no, no. Ten times more! A hundred. Like, even every square inch of the asphalt had an ad on it. (Maddox scoffs) That would be, like, a utopia for me.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: I just wanna see it.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: So much…you can't even close your eyes without seeing an ad.

Maddox: I mean, basically, it's every Nascar uniform. Every Nascar uniform. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah! Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, those look real cool, yeah.

Dick: That would be awesome!

Maddox: Bunch of suckers walkin' around with Pennzoil ads all over them. But, uh…anyway, this book, Visual Viewpoints…excuse me, Viewpoints: Visual Anthropologists at Work…they talk about, uh, cooperation amongst gang member. This is..(giggles) this is actually kind of funny, how…how old this writing is, but it says, "…though many murals are anonymous, others include the artist's organization's name somewhere in the work. For this reason, some pictorial murals constitute very large gang markers. Neighborhood organizations and schools have taken up this tradition and have used murals effectively to delineate their sphere of influence. A good example of the relation between clubs and murals is the case of Adam, A Mural Called Human Support. Adam is the leader of a local neighborhood club of homeboys, or homies… (giggles)…"

Dick: Mhmm.

Tim: Yeaaah.

Maddox: And they put homeboys and homies in…(Dick cracks up in reaction to Tim) (Maddox cracks up) Tim Chang…

Tim: With my homies. My homeboys, dude. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: What do you do with your homies?

Tim: Man, we kick it, dude.

Dick: Yeah?

Tim: We play football.

Maddox: Tch, oh yeah?

Dick: You play football with your homies?

Tim: We play football, yeah.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Yeah. Your homies come over and play football, huh?

Tim: Yeah.

Dick: Where do you…what kind of football do you play with your homies?

Maddox: Yeah. Touch football, or…?

Tim: Well, yeah. Nah, like, full pads, helmets. (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Uh-huh. Full contact.

Tim: We do…I mean, we do it back at my high school, but you know.

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick giggles) Okay, Tim. Tim Chang. Thanks.

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

(they crack up)

Maddox: Okay. You don't need to play that fucking drop, dude! (Dick giggles) You just talked about football. (laughs)

Dick: Full contact. You and your homies…(Maddox laughs) go to the locker room at your high school.

Tim: Yeah.

Dick: And suit up. For a friendly game of full contact football.

Tim: That's right.

Dick: What, 5 on…2 on 2? How do you…

Tim: Three on seven sometimes…(Dick guffaws) I'm a quarterback.

Maddox: Oh, yeah? (giggles)

Tim: And then my boy Carl…

Dick: Yeah…(laughs) (Maddox cracks up)

Tim: They the receivers. And we don't need no fucking…we don't need no fucking linemen, dude.

Dick: You don't need a ref, or anything?

Tim: Man, we be refs, dude.

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: Oh, yeah, okay. (they all talk over each other and laugh) I imagine that's a very fair game of full contact football you're playing.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Tim: I love it.

Maddox: Are you, uh…are you skins or shirts?

Tim: Man, I'm always skins, dude.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. (laughs)

Tim: Do you see these skins right here?

Maddox: Yeah. Put…put your pants back, on buddy. Alright. anyway. This, uh…it goes on. "A team of muralists who wished to paint the name…" Thank you for that, uh…interjection, Tim, about your homeboys. (Dick cracks up) "A team of muralists who wish to paint in the neighborhood negotiated with Adam. He and his crew marked the side of the mural, indicating their support and intent to defend the painting from marking by other clubs."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "They assisted with production and continued to defend the painting once it was complete. The approval and cooperation of Adam was a totally necessary prerequisite to completion of the mural and its long-term survival once finished." So..these anth…these social anthropologists are looking at these murals and they see, um…a lot of times, you walk by…some street art in a city. And it looks cool. It might be some…crazy depiction of Mickey Mouse or something like that.

Dick: There's a great Trump one on the 10 right now. The 10 freeway?

Maddox: What is it?

Dick: Oh, uh…he looks like a total asshole. It's…it's this HUGE mural of Trump. It looks awesome!

Maddox: So it's just a photorealistic picture of Trump?

Dick: Um, even better. It's, like, how…how he is in people's minds. They've gotten like, you know, an engram of him on the freeway.

Maddox: Someone made a depiction of Trump made entirely of dick pics.

Dick: I saw that.

Maddox: Have you seen that? Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. It's cool.

Maddox: Um, so…they're…they're talking about the design of these um…these murals, in this book. And they say that, "Totally abstract murals are most often defaced unless the representation has ethnic significance." So a lot of times, these murals that people put up do have some kind of significance to the culture they're in. "For this reason, it is probably abstract principles and the way in which they edit pictorial or realistic images that underly the kind of open-endedeness in mural symbolism that leads to slippages in ethnic identity, degree of breadth, and intended audience, dimensions within the messaging, and other communicational qualities of…"

Dick: Whoa.

Maddox: Y-yeah. I mean, it's just a v…

Dick: (interjects) That's just 'cause they can't already deface an ethnic portrayal, like, what are they gonna go draw a mustache on Caesar Chavez? He's already got one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can't deface it.

Maddox: No, no. They're…they're saying that…that these murals represent the ethnicities. The ethnicities and the communities that they're in. Um…so…why it's important is to tie it back to the cave paintings, is because…

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: …cave paintings stand as some kind of historical record.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Of the people who put them up. Uh…

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Even…even insofar as their skin tone, or their height, or the type of animals they used to hunt, or whatever. Um…modern-day murals are in some way…like, modern cave paintings, I think.

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Yeah. That's the argument I would make.

Dick: Alright. sounds like murals is more of a solution than a…than a problem. These Street Art Abolitionists. I do hate those guys, because I don't understand why…what's so great about having a boring-ass wall. Like, what's so great about it? Just cover the graffiti up with more graffiti? Who cares?

Maddox: Well, look. If it's the side of your building, and it's your business, you have the right to represent it how you want. Right?

Dick: Sure, it's your business. Yeah.

Maddox: But a lot of times, these street artists make these murals in the back alley of these buildings. Where nobody's gonna go back there except garbage men. And…occasionally kids walking home on their way to school.

Dick: What?

Tim: What the fu…only garbage men?

Maddox: Tim, will you hang out in back alley…of course you do.

Tim: I hang out in the back…man, I do my art there, man. I DJ…

Dick: You DJ in back alleys?

Tim: …to nobody sometimes in back alleys. (Maddox giggles)

Dick: With no equipment as well? (grins)

Tim: Hey, man. You don't need equipment. You need HEART.

Dick: Alright. (giggles)

Maddox: Okay, Tim…

Tim: You need to believe in yourself sometimes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Tim: Otherwise you can't anywhere in life.

Dick: Tchyeah. (grins)

Maddox: I don't believe that you're able to pay tuition. That's what I believe.

Tim: I don't pay tuition.

Maddox: Okay. Of course not. (laughs)

Tim: I use someone else's ID to get into school. (they crack up)

Maddox: Oh, yeah, who? What's his name?

Tim: Car…(they laugh) Carl.

Maddox: You don't look like a Carl, Tim Chang!!

Tim: I…what is that supposed to mean?! That's racist! (Maddox laughs) May-dolf!

Maddox: What's his last…okay. What's his last name?!

Tim: Chan? (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Carl Chan? That's your friend's name?

Maddox: Okay. (cracks up) Carl Chan.

Dick: That's your homie's name?

Tim: Carl Chan!

Dick: Carl Chan.

Tim: I'm Asian, so I gotta use an Asian last name.

Maddox: Okay. That's fair…that's fair.

Dick: Oh, that's racist.

Maddox: You know what? I thought it was gonna be a Carl Johnson, or something like that. That's fair.

Tim: Yeah…

Maddox: Okay, yeah.

Tim: No, I'm not a racist, damn, what the fuuuuck?

Maddox: (laughs) Okay, sorry Tim Chang. Sorry to offend you. Um…

Dick: Tim Chains!! Tim CHAINZ.

Maddox: Tim Chainz.

Dick: Yeah. If you don't say it right, he's gonna keep playing the fucking drop.

Maddox: Oh, please no. Okay, um. I got a comment here, excuse me…

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Maddox: Oh, God.

Dick: Is that…is that your problem?

Maddox: Tim Chainz? Uh, yeah. Hold on.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I got one more clip to play. This is from Idaho. So I mentioned at the top, uh…the universities of Kentucky and Idaho are also debating this at the same exact time. Listen to this.

(Clip starts, female reporter: "Debate on what to do with two controversial murals depicting the history of Idaho begins tomorrow. The murals are located inside the ____County Courthouse in downtown Boise, and some say those paintings are inappropriate and discriminatory against Native Americans…"

Maddox: Yeah, so I…(scoffs)

"…while others say they're a part of Idaho history. New Channel 7's Kim Fields.")

Maddox: Great. Uh…so..(stammers) I looked into…

Dick: (interjects) What if it's just, like, an extremely racist painting? (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah. I got…I got it right here. Um…this…that's from KTVB, actually.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So here's…here…I looked into it, and here's what the mural depicts.

(Clip starts again: female reporter: "…says the concern was the daily public display of the murals, one of which depicts white settlers lynching a Native American."

(Dick snorts)

Maddox: Yeah. Wow.

Dick: Oh. Okay. Well…(giggles)

Male voice: "Public display of these on a daily basis does not provide any context…"

Dick: (scoffs) No.

"…and actually goes against our educational mission of provided a well-permitting and inclusive environment for our students and faculty staff.")

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, that's…not exactly welcoming. (grins)

Maddox: No.

Dick: A big lynch mob.

Maddox: No.

Dick: In the act of lynching.

Maddox: Yeah, but this…

Dick: (interjects) A minority.

Maddox: Uh, yeah. But the debate is, "Do we then whitewash our history?" Because this is some…this is a bad part of our history that..

Dick: (interjects) I don't…yeah.

Maddox: …exists.

Dick: I don't know if it's whitewashing to just take down a painting of a murder! Like, greeting you on a building as you enter it. Where was this?

Maddox: In the courthouse.

Dick: Yeah. In the courthouse?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I don't want…(Maddox giggles) I don't want people going in and having thoughts of racial discrimination one way or the other, crammed into their brains.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, as s… nuanced as the mind is, like, where a….where a refrigerator being open on a TV ad will contribute to a loss of sales, you know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: As fine-tuned as the brain needs to be, I don't want a giant, white lynch mob being the first thing…the last thing that they see before they go decide someone's future!

Maddox: Wait, wait…

Dick: Right?

Maddox: So you're telling me if a Native American was going to that courthouse for a trial…uh, that he would feel unwelcome if he saw that mural? You're…

Dick: (interjects) I'm saying that anyone going in to court, I don't want them thinking that.

Maddox: You think that a lunch mob might persuade a jury…

Dick: One way or the other!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think it might be…on their mind.

Maddox: To…like…

Dick: (interjects) You know?

Maddox: Could it possibly persuade them to…acquit the person?

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: That's part of it!

Maddox: Thank you for being open-minded about it.

Dick: What do you…me?!

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: What do you mean? (grins)

Maddox: No, I'm just joking, Dick.

Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Of course. It's ridiculous, yeah. No, I totally agree with you.

Dick: Okay. I don't think that's street art, though! I mean, that's, like…artistic censorship.

Maddox: Yeah, but, uh…these…these murals aren't just put in buildings. They're sometimes done on the side of buildings, on the outside, in public.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Where people can see them. And…over time, they stand as historical representations of our culture.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: That's why social anthropologists look at these murals, and for the…uh, the significance that they have for the culture that we live in.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. Anyway. That's, uh…that's my problem.

Dick: That's your problem.

Maddox: Street Art Abolitionists. And when they cover it up, they just cover it up with paint, POORLY. A lot of the times, they won't even cover the whole thing in the same coat of paint, so there'll be just these patches of different colors.

Dick: Oh, buddy, here…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No, here's where it works for you. Two examples. Number one, have you heard of Wanksy, the guy who draws dicks on potholes?

Maddox: Sounds hilarious.

Dick: So…the pothole situation is so bad, you can't get anybody out to fix your pothole.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: He would go spraypaint a cock around the pothole so the city would HAVE to come fix that.

Maddox: Yeaaah.

Dick: 'Cause everybody's complaining about it…

Maddox: Oh, that's great!

Dick: And while they're…and in order to fix it, they have to fix the pothole.

Maddox: That's brilliant.

Dick: So this guy just goes around drawing c…yeah. It's brilliant. I'm thinking of doing it in Hollywood.

Tim: Have you guys…heard of Changzsty? (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Oh…(giggles) No. Who's Changzsty?

Tim: That's me.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Tim: Tim CHANGZZZZZZ. Alright, look. I do graffiti. So I know what you guys are talking 'bout.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Tim: Alright? I've done it. All over Venice Beach.

Dick: What…what are you doing?

Tim: What do I do?

Dick: What do you do?

Tim: I draw…a red question mark over everything. (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Oh yeah? (giggles)

Tim: 'Cause, like, I'm like the Riddler. You know what I mean?

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Tim: From…from the Batman.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, we know where the Riddler's from.

Dick: The Riddler, yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Tim: One time, though, I…

Dick: (interjects) But why is it red? The Riddler was green.

Tim: Yeah, that's the Riddler. I'm…I'm Changzsty.

Maddox: Changzsty, okay.

Tim: I…I like red.

Maddox: So you do these question marks over everything, and what's…what's the social message, here?

Dick: Like, question…question everything? Question where you…

Tim: Why, Tammy? Why, Tammy? (Dick snickers) Why'd you kick me out of…why'd you kick me out of community college? (they giggle) Why'd you kick me out of community college?

Dick: Dumber…dumber than I thought it would be. (Maddox giggles really hard)

Tim: It's not dumb! (Maddox cracks up) Tammy, if you listening right now…

Dick: No, she's not…

Tim: I love you.

Maddox: She's not listening. Tammy's not listening to the show. (cracks up)

Dick: Here's my problem.


Maddox: (giggles) That's not even the horn. That's not a horn sound effect.

Dick: Here's my problem.

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: So, it's my mom's birthday when this episode drops.

Maddox: Oh, Happy Birthday!

Dick: Yeah. So, I said, "Look, you…"

Maddox: (interjects) Mrs. Masterson. (giggles)

Dick: Yeah. You got one chance. You got a…you can give me a problem.

Maddox: Yes…

Dick: Give me a problem for the show. As soon as I tell her, everybody in the background, "Do this, do this, do this." And she was like, "Mmmmm…." Very sweet lady. Right?

Maddox: Mhmm. Mhmm.

Dick: This is her problem. Backseat Drivers.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Total nightmare. They'll ruin your f…where do they get off? Where do these people get off? You're giving…you are…you are donating your time and energy to driving these people around. And they will not…shut up. And leave you alone.

Maddox: Oh, buddy. You're looking at the biggest…

Dick: (interjects) The WORST backseat driver.

Maddox: The biggest backseat driver in the universe!! YEAH!!

(Sound effect: 'Ding!')

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Dick: Maddox, I gotta tell you. (Maddox chuckles) When you…when you backseat drive, not only do I wanna go slower out of spite?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I wanna steer my car into a fucking concrete embankment, it drives me so…so insane.

Maddox: Yeah, it's great.

Dick: Backseat driving.

Maddox: I am the BEST backseat driver. I'm so great. Okay, what do you got?

Dick: So she drives…she drives my dad around all…this is another one of those instances where hopefully someone listening to the show will change their behavior. Because I passive aggressively bring in this as an issue.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: On the show.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: She drives my dad around.

Maddox: Alright. (giggles)

Dick: Every…everywhere.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause my…my dad will try to get out of driving at all costs.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like, he'll negotiate…if you're gonna meet somewhere, he'll say, "Let's meet in the middle." "Uh, let's meet 60% closer to me." "Let's meet down the street." "What do you say you pick me up?"

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: Yeah, that's how it goes. So he…he gets driven around everywhere. Won't stop backseat driving. The whole time. This is…this is what Wikipedia says about backseat…

Maddox: (interjects) I like your dad.

Dick: Backseat…(giggles) Yeah. (Maddox cracks up, evil laugh) You would love it. You guys should both be backseat drivers together.

Maddox: Yeaaaaah! Tag team!

Dick: This is what Wikipedia says. "A backseat driver is an asshole most commonly found in the passenger seat of a vehicle who can't control their thoughts and impulses from escaping their mouths like a kind of verbal diarrhea." Like a two-year-old. Me, me, me, me, me.

Maddox: It doesn't say that on Wikipedia. It doesn't say that.

Dick: That's what it says. "They make excessive comments on the driver's actions and decisions in an attempt to control the vehicle."

Maddox: To…to…safely get…

Dick: (interjects) And they can suck my cock, that's what Wikipedia says.

Maddox: Okay, it doesn't say that on Wikipedia. It…it…you know, sometimes backseat drivers do that because…the…actual driver is driving too fucking slow, and is too much of a big pussy to honk their horn when some dipshit is clearly texting in front of them, 'cause we don't have some place to be, apparently! And commerce has to come to a grinding halt because this shithead has to send off a text! That's a backseat driver! Saving lives!

Dick: (stammers) You wanna know something interesting?

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: How about this? One in seven motorists report having a road accident or a near-miss caused by the distraction of a backseat driver.

Maddox: Distraction?

Dick: One in seven. No, this is specifically backseat driving.

Maddox: Mmmm. (skeptical)

Dick: This is not just distracting. This is somebody driving you so insane…because they wanna shave a couple SECONDS…because they're a deranged person.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who wants to feel important! Like THEYYYY know. They know. They're like these Sandy Hook guys! They know the secret to getting somewhere on time!! (Maddox snorts, laughs) They've got secret information on the map, they can't wait…they can't be delayed!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In their important lives!!

Maddox: Right!

Dick: By 10 minutes!

Maddox: That sounds like me!

Dick: By 2 minutes!

Maddox: That's me!

Dick: By 7 seconds!

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: They sit there going, "Mememememe!!", telling you how to drive! They're causing…they're causing…let's see. What's 1/7th of accidents? There's 100…there's 1.3 million deaths from car accidents every year? 1/7th of that.

Maddox: So, like, 13%, 12%, something like that?

Dick: It's like two and a hun…yeah.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: 180,000. 180,000 deaths, these people are causing!

Maddox: No, that's…that's, that's, that's, ahhh, daaa, Daa. That sounds like bullshit!!

Dick: Backseat driving.

Maddox: 180,000…

Dick: 1 out of 7!

Maddox: Per…in the US? Or that's worldwide?

Dick: No, that's worldwide.

Maddox: Okay, worldwide, maybe.

Dick: Worldwide.

Maddox: But…(stammers) that doesn't sound…like, they didn't go to Africa and survey these people on backseat driving. And by the way…by the way..

Dick: (interjects) They get backseat running in Africa.

Maddox: Okay. (scoffs)

Dick: Guy runs behind you, says, "You're running too slow!" "Run in the left lane! Akimbo!!"

Maddox: Dick…Dick, look.

Dick: "Get your knees up! You're gonna get winded!" (Maddox giggles) "Have a drink, you're getting dehydrated!!" That's what it's LIKE!! Dealing with fucking backseat drivers!!

Maddox: Dick, look. They cause some accidents. You gotta break some eggs. Look, no pain, no gain.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Me.

Tim: I have…I have never died driving Lyfts.

Dick: Do you get backseat drivers in Lyft?

Tim: Every time.

Dick: Every time.

Tim: It doesn't bother me.

Dick: Well, that's your job.

Tim: I'm a great…I'm a great Lyft driver.

Dick: Yeah.

Tim: So please use the promo code TC…(Maddox giggles) LFYT30, you get $5 off your next Lyft.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You're referring…it has to be…

Tim: And I get credit for that.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. Tim, we're gonna cut that ad out of this. Lyft is not a sponsor for this episode.

Dick: Uh, let's see. You're 60% more likely to have a serious crash…hang on, lemme get some good stats here.

Maddox: Gotta break some eggs, buddy. I don't know what to tell you, man! No pain, no gain!! You…(stammers) if you want to get where you're going fast, you get me as your passenger, and I'll tell you how to drive.

Dick: Look, if you wanna get…if you want to make someone a road rage, just tell them how to drive. That's how you get someone real pissed off. 51% of people reported getting angry behind the wheel, purely as a result of backseat drivers. 40% reported being made anxious! You're making the problem worse!

Maddox: You know what the pr…

Dick: (interjects) They ALREADY drove cautiously. Now you're freakin' em out!!

Maddox: Sounds like the problem here is drivers who have anger management issues. Right? Drivers who are easily distracted.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: If you are so distracted by a passenger who…out of the goodness of his heart, just wants to help you not drive like a grandma.

Dick: Yeah. Do you respond well to it?

Maddox: Then maybe you should…you should turn of…I…(stammers) never get it, because everyone knows I'm driving the most efficiently as possible!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The most efficient ways possible. I'm cutting people off left and right! Driving like a samurai through traffic.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Like a hot knife through butter, that's what I am in traffic.

Dick: Partners are the worst.

Tim: Hell, yeah.

Dick: Partners came…

Maddox: Yeah!! (giggles)

Tim: I'm a samurai, too. Not 'cause I'm Asian! I'm like a samurai, though.

Maddox: Yeah?

Tim: Also when I drive Lyft. (Maddox giggles)

Dick: Oh, you drive…

Tim: Use my promo code…

Maddox: Okay, Tim! (laughing)

Dick: Do you drive like a samurai as well?

Tim: Yeah.

Dick: How would you define that?

Tim: I actually…I have a sword.

Dick: You drive with a sword.

Maddox: Oh, you actually have a sword.

Tim: I actually have a sword.

Maddox: This is not even a metaphor. You just have a sword in your car. (Dick giggles)

Tim: I literally have a sword in my car.

Dick: Always…always dumber than…(Maddox giggles)

Tim: In case…in case anyone tries to attack me.

Dick: You have a sword.

Tim: Yeah, in my trunk. (Maddox snorts)

Dick: Okay.

Tim: It's a samurai sword.

Dick: Are you trained in swordplay?

Tim: 17th century…Kyoto…weapon.

Dick: Is that the only town in Japan that you know? Kyoto?

Tim: Tokyo. (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: Keep going.

Tim: Kyoto, Tokyo.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Nagasaki.

Tim: Hiroshima. (giggles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay, great.

Dick: There you go. Now you're thinking.

Tim: Hiroshima.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Name two more Japanese cities.

Tim: S…(cracks up) (Dick and Maddox crack up) Sashimi, man!

Maddox: No, sashimi is not a city, asshole!

Tim: Sashimi's definitely a city!!

Maddox: No!!!

Dick: Partners came out on top, was the worst backseat drivers. (Maddox giggles) Then mothers! 27% of people reported partners. Then mothers is 17%. Fathers at 14%. Children at 14%. I dunno what children are getting in on this game.

Maddox: Children backseat drivers?

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: You know you're a shitty driver when your kid's telling you to hurry the fuck up!!! I..Dick…do you have any stories of, uh…you and I? Where I was a backseat driver?

Dick: You're ALWAYS a backseat driver! (Maddox cracks up) It's a fucking nightmare! I don't know why it's SO important that everyone drive…that I drive efficiently when you're in the car!

Maddox: 'Cause…you…'cause I am your passenger…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And you should respect my time and get me where I'm going as fast as possible. (tries not to laugh) Even though you're driving and doing me a favor.

Dick: No! It's the…(Maddox laughs) It's the psychology of it! There's something wrong with backseat drivers' brains!

Maddox: What?

Dick: There's some…there's s…I brought in a bunch of, like, actual…psychologists weighing in on this topic, too.

Maddox: Oh!! Let's hear these assholes!

Dick: It's be….this is what…this is what you're saying when you're a backseat driver.

Maddox: Yeah!!

Dick: "I don't trust you to handle this on your own." It's like…oh, is this a ding?

(Sound effect: 'Ding!")

Maddox: Ding, correct, yes. Absolutely.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I…agree with that 100%!

Dick: It's driving. How do you not trust someone to handle it on their own?

Maddox: 'Cause they're shitty drivers! I have friends who've gotten in tons of wrecks, Rain-Slick Dick!! And I don't necessarily trust that you know exactly what you're doing, 'cause sometimes, I'll point out something. I have prevented accidents as being…by being a backseat driver! 'Cause I see my friends fucking up, like, "Hey man, there's a car right fucking there!!"

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: "Why don't you swerve, or hit on your brakes, or honk, or something!" No, they just…(goofy voice) "Unnnh…uhhh…you know, I'll just slow down a little bit." And I'm like, "Well, they're not gonna stop. You gotta honk!"

Dick: Yeah. Psychologist Ryan Howes says they offer unsolicited advice in an attempt to combat their own feelings of powerlessness.

(Sound effect: 'Ding!')

Maddox: Correct. (giggles)

Dick: Like, the realization that they cannot…(cracks up) Yeah. See?

Maddox: That's absolutely correct. (laughing)

Dick: It's a deep…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's a deep psychological dysfunction that you people have. That you're trying to get over…that you're trying to work out on us.

Maddox: It's not…it's not dysfunction!

Dick: It's like a…it's like an addiction.

Maddox: He just…(stammers) he just enumerated the exact phenomenon that's going on. That's not dysfunction. He's just STATING what it is.

Dick: Okay. (grins)

Maddox: I agree with it.

Dick: Here's…here's a good one. Another psychologist conducted a study in which subjects were told that a…that a sample of their blood would be taken. They could prick their own finger or have an experienced technician do it. People who fit…this is…okay? Prick your own finger, or we're gonna have a phl…phlebologist, or whatever they're called…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We're gonna have a professional do it for you. People who fit the profile of a backseat driver did it themselves, 'cause they're fucking stupid!

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: Okay. See, that's where I disagree. I would always…

Dick: You would prick your own finger, according to this study.

Maddox: No, I wouldn't. I wouldn't prick my own finger.

Dick: They just…they can't give up. They can't give up that control, these backseat drivers.

Maddox: No, no. It's not about…it's not always about control, man. I know when to…wrest control and when to give it up…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And when to…you know, sit back and relax. Here's the thing. If I'm driving, I have certain friends who are such poor drivers, I…I literally have to pull my cell phone out of my pocket and tune out what's going on…

Dick: Figuratively? (giggles)

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maddox: I need to tune out of what's going on.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So that I don't lose my fuckin' mind.

Dick: And you need…you need, like, a pacifier to distract yourself, 'cause you have these…these deep psychological problems that these…that these learned people are describing!

Maddox: (stammers) It's not that, Dick. It's like…I have the exact same problem with drivers who are slow when I'm the passenger…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: As I do watching someone else compute.

Dick: Yes!

Maddox: It drives me outta my fucking mind…

Dick: Yes, this is a defect with you!

Maddox: No!

Dick: That's what these people are saying!

Maddox: (giggles) (Dick cracks up) I understand what they're saying…

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: They're just stating what it is. They're not stating what the psychological phenomenon is that is the dysfunction supposedly, alleged dysfunction! But here's the problem, Dick. When I see someone reach over for their mouse.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I start to get anxiety. Because I know what I'm in store for is 1 to 3 seconds of them slowly dragging that fucking cursor…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Across their desktop.

Dick: Not a big deal. (grins)

Maddox: And then…hunting for that little X to click. Oh, and then they start doing that little circle with their hand, you know?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: The little circle?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Where they're…where it's essentially like a binary search for that X.

Dick: Getting comfortable.

Maddox: And they're getting a little bit closer…

Dick: Getting comfortable with the mouse.

Maddox: Yeah, getting comfortable.

Dick: You know. No big deal.

Maddox: Where's that cursor, again? Uh…and they look around on the screen. And…oh, there it is. Okay, I see the cursor now. (Dick giggles) And then they slowly drag it across their desktop, and I'm like, "Oh my God, when is this gonna end?" and then they reach the X, they overshoot it a little bit, by a few pixels…(Dick giggles) and then they move back a little bit more, and then they finally click it, I'm like, "Oh, thank God!! You did that one fucking task, and it took five seconds of your fucking life! This is how you want to live your life!? Like an asshole, clicking Xs all the time, with your mouse? Hit Ctrl-W, shithead!!"

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: Or ALT-F4…

Dick: Eh…

Maddox: Or Shift+Space+C!!

Tim: Damn, chill out, dawg. (Maddox and Dick crack up) Fuck, man.

Maddox: Shut the fuck up, Tim Chang!!

Tim: You got a lot of problems…

Maddox: You're a mouse user, bro!!

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

(they crack up)

Maddox: You fucking asshole!! (cackles)

Dick: Psychologist Stephen Rice says the backseat driver is an individual who has a strong need to feel influence, and they're always looking for ways to express that need. It's an addiction.

Maddox: It's not that, bro.

Dick: That's an addiction.

Maddox: It's not that. You know what?

Dick: Here's what another guy says…

Maddox: Okay…

Dick: What? What, what?

Maddox: I was gonna…

Dick: (interjects) You gonna give another computer…

Maddox: I…no. It's not a computer story. I was in a Lyft one time.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And the driver was driving like a fucking badass. He was like, making U-turns and shifting into high gear every time, and slamming his brakes. I'm like, "Dude, you're driving like a badass."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I gave him a three dollar tip! On a six dollar ride. 'Cause he kicked ASS at driving.

Dick: (scoffs) Okay.

Maddox: Yeah! So, sometimes…sometimes when I see someone driving like a badass, I acknowledge it, and I don't backseat drive. I backseat compliment.

Dick: Yeah. This is part of the dysfunction.

Maddox: Nope! (laughing)

Dick: The celebration of aggressive, poor driving. Uh…where does a meddler's deep-seated desire for control come from? That's what these psychologists…these learned men…

Maddox: Mmm-mmm.

Dick: Multiple learned men are just saying, if you grew up in an environment that was chaotic, it's almost a defensive sort of reaction, Burgher says. "We've seen this in homes where a parent has an alcohol problem, for example. Those children tend to develop a need to control for themselves."

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I definitely…

Dick: (interjects) Or a traumatizing life event.

Maddox: I definitely grew up in a chaotic lifestyle…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But, Dick, it's not just…um…you know. This is something that I do.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Again, to save lives.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: And to get to our destination quicker.

Dick: Costing people. 1…1 in 7 people reported getting in a wreck because of a backseat driver.

Maddox: No pain, no gain. (Dick laughs) What can I say? What can I say?

Dick: Alright, uh…I got one more thing. Here was an example from Wikipedia. About backseat driving.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Want me to read this?

Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.

Dick: This is a…very small article on Wikipedia. This was the example they gave of backseat driving.

Maddox: Okay! Let's hear it.

Dick: This is totally real. "A couple of episodes in Power Rangers Zeo…(Maddox laughs) shows examples of backseat drivers with Rita Repulsa and Goldar in the motor home base they share with Lord Zedd, Finnster, and Rhedo." This is Wikipedia. I…

Maddox: I…I believe this.

Dick: This is the company that's asking for donations to keep their top-quality research…

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: …accessible at all times. Fucking example of back… "…on their way back to the palace, Rita's constant demanding lands the base a flat tire, which she and Zedd blame on each other."

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: "After getting the tire fixed and back driving, Goldar shows up." Do you know who these people are? "…with the map that Zedd needs and unintentionally proceeds to be another backseat driver, by overly trying to help them with the map that lands the motor home base with yet another flat tire. Surely, Rita and Zedd blame him for the mess."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Ah, there you go, Dick.

Dick: That's it.

Maddox: There you…that's the quality..

Dick: (interjects) That's a perfect example! (giggles)

Maddox: That's the quality of people who have problems with backseat drivers.

Dick: Rita Repulsa.

Maddox: Dick, uh…you and I have been driving before, where I'll see someone do something insane in front of you, and you just…I look over to you, and you're like, "Ahh." Chill…just chill Dick.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Sitting in my car.

Dick: Doesn't bother me.

Maddox: Doesn't bother me.

Dick: It doesn't bother me.

Maddox: I'll get there when I get there, I guess. And I…it drives me nuts, and I reach over and I…

Dick: (interjects) I don't know why!

Maddox: …hit your horn! I honk your fucking horn!!

Dick: You deserve the death penalty for that.

Maddox: That's fucking awesome!

Dick: No! (giggles)

Maddox: And then…I did it to another friend. I was in his car one time. And this c…this person in front of me…swear to God, 15 seconds, sitting there. And I'm…I'm sitting there, sweating bullets at this point. (Dick guffaws) 'Cause…'cause I'm looking…

Tim: You're sweating right now. (giggles) You're sweating right now, dude! (Dick giggles)

Dick: Yeah! You're sweating right now!

Maddox: Yeah, I know, Tim! So I'm sitting there, and I'm looking at him, and I look at his face, and I look at the horn, and I look at his face, and I look at the horn, you know, like you do.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Like, "Hey, bro, hit the fucking horn and let's get this train going, huh?!" And he…nothing! And finally, I lose my m….I roll down my window, I honk his fucking horn, and I yell out and shake my fist at the driver! (laughs) From the passenger side! I'm like, "Hurry the fuck up!" And I…and I get…and I sit back down in the car, and he looks at me, and I look at him, and I honk his horn some more, until this…this lazy slack-eyed idiot…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: …starts to drive.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: What's wrong with people?

Dick: …you got a good look at his face. Was he clean-shaven? 'Cause if he wasn't…he should pick up some Harry's razors. Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. It's a new year. It's a new year and it's time for a fresh start.

Maddox: New year, new you!

Dick: I'm having a fresh start. I'm clean shaven.

Maddox: You look…yeah!

Dick: I am hung over, so I fucked that up a little bit, but it's still a new year.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: It's time…it's time to stop overpaying for a great shave!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. They're German engineered blades, five-blade cartridges, oh my God, that's a deal. Close, comfortable shave, no cuts or burns. That's true. I can vouch for that. Quality is guaranteed. A full refund if you're not happy. Where can you get that? Where can you get a full refund if you're not happy?

Maddox: No…I can't think of one place that does that.

Dick: Nowhere on Earth.

Maddox: Nowhere else. Nowhere else.

Tim: DJ Tim Changzzz services.

Dick: Oh, really?

Tim: Full refund if you're not satisfied with my services.

Maddox: Can we get a refund for this episode? (Dick giggles)

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Dick: Over 1 million guys have already made the switch to Harry's. Thousands more switch every day. Why pay $32 for an eight-pack of blades when you can get them for half the price at and they ship right to your door. You don't gotta deal with that case!

Maddox: Ships right to your door. Tim, do you shave?

Tim: I don't shave.

Maddox: Yeah?

Tim: I like to keep my hair around. It makes me remember things. (Maddox giggles) (Dick snorts) You know, every hair…

Dick: No, I have no idea what you're talking about.

Tim: …is a piece of history.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah! So they're…you're basically the opposite of a Street Art Abolitionist, with your face.

Tim: That's right. Abolitionists are bad people. (Maddox cracks up)


(Sound effect: 'Ding'!)

Dick: To save $5 off your first purchase. Go to

Maddox: Thank you Harry's for supporting the show, and thank you guys for supporting the show. It really helps out. Dick, I got a real big problem.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay? I recently released another video.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: About…how Disney ruined The Little Mermaid.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: It's doing really well on YouTube. Setting the Internet on fire.

Dick: Oh, as they do.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh, so I wanna bring in Disney to expand on that point a little bit. Disney is my problem.

Dick: And they ruined the Little Mermaid because they made it, like, nice. They gave it a nice ending.

Maddox: They shat all over the original story.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Right? I had an argument with a mutual friend of ours, a long time ago. And he was talking about how much he liked The Little Mermaid. And I said…

Dick: (interjects) What the hell kind of conversation was this? Guy's talking about how much he loves The Little Mermaid? (giggling)

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. The Disney version of The Little Mermaid. Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: And he was saying that, uh…that he really liked the Little Mermaid because it was a good story, and this and that, and I told him…(stammers) I said, "Do you know the original story of The Little Mermaid?" and he said, "Yeah." And I said, "Okay, well the original story has an ending that's really tragic."

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: The…mermaid dies at the end of The Little Mermaid. The original Hans…

Dick: Doesn't she turn into foam or something like that?

Maddox: …Christian Anderson…yeah. She turns into foam.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's the story. She turns into foam and gets a soul and goes up to Heaven. It's kind of, like, a…

Dick: Almost a better ending.

Maddox: What, the…?

Dick: They had a fling. Turns into fo…I wish all romances ended like that.

Maddox: Most of my…(giggles)

Dick: Bitch just turned into foam! I went to go check on her in the shower and she turned into a bunch of foam! What are you gonna do?

Maddox: Hey…all my romantic encounters end in foam, if you know what I'm talkin' about. Tim, do you know?

Tim: Wha…what do you mean? (Dick guffaws, Maddox laughs) What do you mean, man?

Maddox: Of course. Thank you Tim Chang. Tim Chainz.

Dick: Tim Chainz.

Maddox: Tim Chainz. (guffaws)

Tim: Tim Changz.

Dick: Oh I get it. It's, like, Two Chains. (Maddox laughs)

Tim: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Good job, Dick. (laughing)

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Dick: I get it now. Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Real clever. Um, yeah, anyway. So the original Hans Christian Anderson story has the Little Mermaid, uh…essentially, she has to…she makes the wager with the evil queen.

Dick: Ursula.

Maddox: Ursula. No, it's not Ursula…

Dick: Ursula the Sea Witch.

Maddox: …that's the Disney version.

Dick: Ehh…

Maddox: Yeah. Based on Divine, the…the…

Dick: (interjects) Transsexual.

Maddox: I don't know if she's transsexual, so much as she's just a…

Dick: Drag…queen?

Maddox: She's a drag queen, yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Drag queens are not necessarily transsexual. So it's based on…

Dick: Phew!

Maddox: Based on Divine.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. The original story had her make the wager where she would come to land, she would lose her voice, and then she had to marry the king. The prince.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Otherwise, the day after, the prince married someone else? She would die.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So she made that wager. She went up to land. And the prince mistakenly believes that another woman saves his life.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Because after she spent all night with him saving him, you know, nursing him back to health on the beach.

Dick: Ahhhhhh. (lewd)

Maddox: So, the original story has this happen, right? And…when the mermaid is bringing him back to health, right? Um…she hears some women coming down from a temple up the hill. And then she…runs off and hides. She swims off, rather.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And, uh…and when the prince comes to, he sees this other woman nursing him to health, and he thinks that SHE is the one responsible for saving his life.

Dick: Logical.

Maddox: So…he marries this other woman! And the mermaid is distraught, and then she has one chance to save her life.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Her sisters sacrifice their hair for her, gives it to the evil queen.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And then they give her a magical dagger, that if she kills the prince and then sprays her feet with blood…

Dick: Oh. (giggles)

Maddox: Because the or…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: The original story also had it so that, uh…it felt like she was walking on knives the entire time.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh…which doesn't really add anything to the lesson.

Dick: This isn't a movie that I wanna see.

Maddox: Well, it's…

Dick: You know, if I gotta be honest with you.

Maddox: Well, have you seen the original 1975 version?

Dick: No.

Maddox: It's a…it's a really well-done story, and the story is so much more powerful than Disney's slap-dick ending, where instead of having the princess sacrifice herself, because she realizes it's not the prince's fault. Sometimes you don't always get what you want.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: You don't always get who you want. And just because you sacrificed a lot for that person…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Doesn't mean they're gonna like you back. And it doesn't mean that you're always gonna be their first choice.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's an important lesson that is…that ONLY exists in this one children's story that's been completely whitewashed from history. And I did a little research, and I found before 1989's Disney version, almost every animated version of this…of the story…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Had the same exact Hans Christian Anderson ending. And after 1989, almost every single version has had the Disney ending, or some variant thereof.

Dick: Yeah, that's, like, depressing, though, man.

Maddox: Doesn't matter if it's depressing. You learn an important lesson. You…

Dick: (interjects) I dunno if that's true.

Maddox: Wha…(stammers)

Dick: You learn that lesson?

Maddox: Yeah. That's what I learned when I was a kid.

Dick: From that story?

Maddox: That's why it stuck with me. Yeah!

Dick: And then you…

Maddox: It stuck with me.

Dick: …what? You decided, like, not to change? And…was that the lesson that you learned?

Maddox: No, the lesson is that sometimes, just because you like someone and you make sacrifices for them…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They might not like you back.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: That's an important lesson that is completely lost in…in modern children's literature. If everything in children's literature…the only thing the Disney version teaches kids is entitlement.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: You get what you want. Everything has a happy ending. There are no life lessons in that.

Dick: Well, wait a minute! What about Aladdin? 'Cause, Aladdin tried to act like something he was not, and Jasmine was not into that. He had to go back to being Aladdin.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Before she was into him. So that's a pretty good…lesson. Right?

Maddox: Ughh…(thinking)

Dick: Aladdin had to be himself!

Maddox: I…I don't know. I haven't seen Aladdin in a long time. I'd have to go back and look at that.

Dick: Well, it's a good movie.

Tim: I made some sacrifices back in my day, guys.

Maddox: Oh yeah? What'd you sacrifice, Tim?

Tim: Look…

Maddox: Tim Chainz.

Tim: Tammy Trujillo.

Maddox: (giggles) Tammy Trujillo.

Tim: I loved her, alright? I luh-ed her. (Maddox giggles) Aight?

Dick: Accent is all over the place. (laughing) Alright.

Tim: I luh-ed her SO much that I sacrificed my virginity. (Dick and Maddox guffaw) I was planning on fucking when I got married. (they giggle)

Dick: You were? Why?

Tim: Christianity, homie. (Maddox cracks up) Jesus, one love.

(Sound effect: 'Ding!')

Maddox: Correct. Correct, Tim Chainz. I agree with that. Christianity…(giggles) Christianity, homie, is the correct answer.

Tim: Thank you so much, Madolph.

Maddox: It's Mad…Maddox. (Dick silently giggling)

Tim: Same difference, man.

Maddox: No.

Tim: OxyMO-ron.

Maddox: (giggles) No…it's not an oxymoron. (laughing)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Jesus….(laughing) Uh…yeah. I dunno, man. Um…so Disney's done this with SO many different stories throughout…(giggles) throughout history. Hans Christian Anderson stories.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Even Frozen is based on a Hans Christian Anderson story, did you know that?

Dick: Oh, God, I hated that movie!

Maddox: The Ice Queen.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Um…yeah, Disney…Disney does this. They just take…and here's the thing. If Disney was trying to supplant this story with…this message, with another message, right? I would understand that.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: But they are…just taking The Little Mermaid and trying to make it as mass-appeal and commercial as possible.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's all they're doing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Their only motive here is profit. They don't give a shit whether or not anyone learns anything.

Dick: Oh, I don't know. That's a little bit cynical.

Maddox: Disney's only motive is profit!

Dick: They gotta make it…no!! No.

Maddox: What else is there?!

Dick: They make good movies!

Maddox: I'm not saying…

Dick: (interjects) I think they put a lot of heart in, like, Toy Story 3, and I don't think their ONLY motive is profit.

Maddox: Look, man. I'm not saying Disney doesn't make good movies. If Disney makes good movies or not is irrelevant as to whether or not those movies have messages. And a lot of people like the original Little Mer…the Disney version of the Little Mermaid. I'm not saying it's not…an entertaining movie. People are entertained by it.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: People like the stupid songs in it.

Dick: Stupid songs. Come on. They're great.

Maddox: They're stupid. They're stupid songs.

Tim: Under the Sea. Man, I'm about to go pee. Yeah. DJ Tim Changz!! Hit that shit!!

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Dick: So you would…(giggles) (Maddox giggles) You would prefer it if they kept the original message, Disney?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Big animated splendor, multi-million dollar budget, and Ariel just bursts into FOAM after walking on knives for the whole movie.

Maddox: Well, the knives part I…a lot of the animated versions, including the one that I am championing here, is the 1975 version, a lot of them don't have the walking on knives part. And I thought about it, and I thought, "Well, the original one that I'm championing didn't have that. That diverged from the Hans Christian Anderson tale as well."

Dick: Right.

Maddox: However, that doesn't…that doesn't change anything. That doesn't change the message. By not having that in there, it doesn't change the message, because she still sacrificed something and she didn't get what she wanted, because she sacrificed. So, uh…you can still have that same tragic ending. I mean, where do you draw the line, at some point? Do you…do you rewrite Romeo and Juliet to have a happy ending? Oh, they wake up together and they live happily ever after!

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: You…you rewrite the Hunchback of Notre Dame, which, again, a Hunchback.

Dick: How did they change that?

Maddox: Uh…I'd have to look into all the details, but they…uh, most of the…most Disney fairy tales are based on past properties. And they whitewash them. They make them…palatable for consumers. Mass-appeal as possible.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Completely eliminating the message. And here's something else I learned. This is from, uh…uh…you know the show Adam Ruins Everything? Adam Conover?

Dick: I have not watched it.

Maddox: Actually, a few people on Twitter have mentioned that we have both covered a lot of the same topics.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh, it's pretty…it's pretty fascinating, 'cause we…(giggles) we kind of, like, look at the same things to kinda tackle. Um, these, like, uh…these social phenomenon. But he talked about how Disney has ruined copyright law in the United States.

Dick: There you go! That's true.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They keep extending it, right? To keep their precious Mickey.

Maddox: Right, so…under US copyright law, I think it's, what, 70 years?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That after 70 years, your claim to a copyright expires. And that copyright property goes into public domain. And without that, we lose out on a lot of art and history, like, for example Hans Christian Anderson's tales. Which Disney relies HEAVILY upon.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: To build their empire. Without Hans Christian Anderson's stories being in public domain, Disney wouldn't even have the opportunity to make The Little Mermaid. Or Steamboat…uh, what's the original Mickey Mouse cartoon?

Dick: Steamboat Penis.

Maddox: Steamboat Willie, I think, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Steamboat Willie?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I…(stammers) I get the joke. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Good job, Dick.

(Sound effect: Baby laugh)

Maddox: Uh…(giggles) Steamboat Willie.

Dick: Yeah.

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Maddox: No, Tim Chainz.

Dick: That wasn't your joke, Tim!

Maddox: That wasn't yours, Tim.

Tim: That was my joke, now, copyright!! (they laugh) 2016!!

Dick: So would you be okay, Tim? Would you be okay with, in 70 years, your likeness, uh…becoming public domain?

Tim: Man, that's like…man, that's like the greatest way to, like, you know, pay tribute to someone, is someone just trying to be like me. That's what I want.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Tim: Yeah.

Dick: So you think. You'd just shoot it out of a cannon.

Tim: Yeah, man.

Dick: Like the Playboy bunny.

Tim: I shoot it out a cannon.

Dick: Okay.

Tim: My dick. (background laughter)

Maddox: Mmmkay.

Dick: How about you? 70 years? You okay with people making knockoff Maddox shirts, and…?

Maddox: Yeah, I think so. Because if you have a lifetime…essentially, I think they chose 70 years because it's…it's a lifetime. For somebody to…uh, to capitalize on their work, and to make as much money as they can during their lifetime. And then afterwards, that property becomes public domain. Imagine…imagine a song from the thirties. The 1930s.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Essentially, all those songs from the 1930s should be public domain, because most of those people and their children have long since passed on. And…that art shouldn't be locked up forever. Because, again, when you free these things open to public domain, you have companies like Disney that come along and can use those stories. And other people can use those stories to make their own empires.

Dick: And ruin them!

Maddox: And make many more jobs.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well…ruining them…yeah. They…they…

Dick: (interjects) I mean…

Maddox: In this case they clearly did.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But…Disney's so hypocritical in their stance on copyright, because they keep extending the public domain date. I think right now it's set to 2026 or something like that? 2019? So…it's not just affecting Disney, it's affecting everything else that came out after Mickey Mouse.

Dick: Yeah, I don't have a big problem with that.

Maddox: Why not?

Dick: I think you and I just disagree on that. Well, they…you wrote the song. You drew the mouse. Why does everyone deserve to have it? Fight tooth and nail to keep it. Your kids…your kids' kids, they should all fight tooth and nail to extend it as long as possible.

Maddox: So you're completely dismissing the argument that Disney wouldn't even exist today as it is. You know, the Little Mermaid saved Disney's company? They were going bankrupt.

Dick: Oh yeah?

Maddox: And The Little Mermaid, based on public domain, saved that company. So to suggest…

Dick: I don't think Disney has a problem with ripping off regular copyrighted properties, though. I don't think…I don't think a copyright would prevent them from making The Little Mermaid. Like what, is Hans Christian Anderson gonna sue Disney? Phew, good luck.

Maddox: No, but that's…that's irrelevant, whether or not they rip off other copyrighted works is irrelevant. We're talking about specifically public domain. And the only reason is because Disney…look. Disney hasn't created anything new since Mickey Mouse. And they're not even DOING anything with Mickey Mouse. Every now and then, a new game…a video game comes out, or something. But when's the last time you saw a Mickey Mouse cartoon?

Dick: Oof. The last time I saw…I don't know.

Tim: Saw it yesterday.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No, you didn't, Tim Chainz.

Dick: There's constant new Mickey stuff. There's new Mickey shows. Like…Mickey's Clubhouse. All those motherfuckers are around.

Maddox: (giggles) Mickey's Club…that's a…I mean, that's a branded Disney…there is…there was a Disney cartoon. A Mickey Mouse cartoon that came out awhile back. Disney's afraid…

Dick: No, there's TONS of new Mickey stuff going on. Like, there's…for…for kids?

Maddox: Not movies.

Dick: It's like a machine.

Maddox: Not movies.

Dick: Oh, movies. I…yeah. I guess not. I don't…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm sure there is. I'm not up on all the little kid stuff. But there's…tons of them.

Maddox: I mean…(stammers) if Disney…I have a theory that…

Dick: Cars was new…all the Pixar stuff's new.

Maddox: That's not Mickey Mouse.

Dick: No, but you said when was the last time they did something new?

Maddox: Mic…Mickey…that's Pixar. Pixar created that. That's not Disney. Disney can…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: …come by and acquire all these things, right? They're not creating anything new with Mickey Mouse. They're not creating any new movies. And I think it's because they're afraid of making a flop and hurting the company's brand. And hurting the company's image.

Dick: You mean, like, a blockbuster Mickey movie?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, I don't…

Maddox: (interjects) Like, something on par with The Little Mermaid.

Dick: I don't know if they EVER did that with Mickey.

Maddox: Yeah, of course they did. There were lots of old Disney Mickey Mouse movies. Fantasia?

Dick: Shorts! They made a new Fantasia, 2000. With Donald Duck!

Maddox: Did they? Well, with Donald Duck, but…

Dick: But Mickey's always only been in shorts.

Maddox: No. Fantasia was a full movie.

Dick: No, but Mickey was only in one of the interludes. The mic…the Sorcerer's Apprentice?

Maddox: Right. Right.

Dick: That's only one song.

Maddox: Well, how many movies has he appeared in since?

Dick: Um, I don't think Mickey was used like that. I think he was, like, a short. He was used, like, Steamboat Willie style, where it's a short before a bigger movie. They always throw him into that.

Maddox: Well, he was the star. He was the star of a lot of their cartoons. Originally a lot of their cartoons.

Dick: Sure. He still is!

Maddox: I haven't seen a Disney…I haven't seen a Mickey Mouse cartoon in a long time.

Dick: You don't have kids, man! Those kids love Mickey's Clubhouse shit.

Maddox: Not Mickey's…Mickey's clubhouse is not animated.

Dick: They do all the dance….yeah, it is!

Maddox: The…

Dick: (interjects) What…what do you think, it's live action?

Maddox: What…are you talking about the old…the one with, like, Britney Spears as the star?

Dick: Do they rea…in every single generation of kids HAS a Mickey's clubhouse.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Like, you don't know about it, but it's different for every one.

Maddox: Yeah, maybe you're right. Maybe you're right about that. I don't know. Uh, but, uh…but regardless. The public domain argument, right? They…they have locked up all these properties in public domain. If they were just doing it with their company, that's a different case. If you wanna make that argument…maybe there's a case for that.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: But they're changing ALL law. All copyright law in the United States, for everything, regardless of whether or not people are alive or care about their properties, or want these things to be in public domain. Regardless of that.

Dick: Yeah, I don't mind that. I dunno why you have a problem with that.

Maddox: Well, again, because Disney's hypocritical and they have used pub…if they don't have a problem with public domain being..uh, being basically evaporated. If they don't have a problem with that, then they should stop using public domain properties for their advantage.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: It's hypocritical!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Furthermore, Disney has now bought up Marvel. They have a…acquired Pixar. I think they actually…is Pixar still part of Disney?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Pixar is part of Disney. Marvel's part of Disney. Plus all the original Disney properties.

Dick: Star Wars!!

Maddox: Star Wars. They picked up Star Wars. So if you go to a toy aisle or if you go to a comic book store, pro…anywhere from 70% to 80% of the…IP you see in there is owned by one company. And when you see this…what Disney has done to the Little Mermaid by abolishing these stories because they might be uncomfortable for children, and they have that same philosophy with everything else across the board…maybe…maybe Wolverine stops killing people! Maybe Wolverine starts getting tame in Marvel comics. Maybe Star Wars becomes a little bit more whitewashed. Over time, this aggregate influence ONE company has on all of our culture can be incredibly damaging and limiting to our culture. I…that's what…that's the real problem I have with Disney. They have WAY too much of a monopoly on our entertainment. Way too much!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And nobody's looking at this! We're only looking at monopolies when it comes to software, to cars, to railroads, and things like that, but when it comes to entertainment, everyone turns a blind eye to Disney. Dis…this one company…

Dick: (Interjects) Well, they turn their open eyes to Disney, 'cause they love this shit. And that's…

Maddox: (interjects) I'm talking about looking at them critically.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I mean, people are consuming these Disney products. But at what cost? Because our culture's becoming dumber, I think. Because of companies like Disney. Because they have a monopoly on EVERYTHING. They are the filter that we get all our messages from. All our kids are learning their important life lessons from one company!

Dick: I don't know, man. I…see a lot of property coming through with the kids. You know, I got nephews, so I see all the…their little trends that they go through?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's not all Disney. They get…they get some weird stuff. They got…they got dinosaurs that are also cars. (Maddox giggles) They got a…my nephew's got a toy of a dump truck that's a stegosaurus, and you pull on the tail and it shits out a trash can. Like projectile pooping.

Maddox: Yeah. That's an important lesson.

Dick: That's not whitewashed! (giggles) It's…they're into WEIRD things.

Tim: -Year-old, Madolph. Lemme ask you a question, is that cool?

Maddox: (giggles) Maddox…Maddox is the name.

Tim: Lemme just ask you a "for real" question, alright?

Maddox: Yeah.

Tim: Look. If Disney ask you…

Dick: Ax, do you think?

Tim: If Disney axed you…

Dick: Yeah.

Tim: To play Beast in Beauty and the Beast…

Maddox: Yeah.

Tim: Would you say yes?

Maddox: No, I don't…what are you walking about, the play?

Tim: For…for…

Maddox: The play that came…

Tim: Nah, man, the cartoon.

Maddox: (Dick guffaws) The cartoon…

Tim: If they asked you to play Beast from the cah-toon.

Maddox: Yeah.

Tim: Would you…would you say yes? And they paid you a lot of money.

Maddox: Yeah, of course. Yeah.

Tim: So you a fucking hypocrite, then! (Dick cracks up laughing)

Maddox: No. I'll tell you…I'll tell you why. (background laughter) I'll tell you why.

Dick: A surprisingly cogent argument. (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cracks up)

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Maddox: (laughing) Because I'm a subversive motherfucker. And you get me in there, and I'll put in some messages. I'll get…I will put up a stink and change the script, and I'll put in some fucking messages in that story, buddy.

Dick: Like drawing dicks in the cartoon?

Maddox: No!

Dick: That's what they…no, that's what they do, in Little Mermaid!

Maddox: Yeah, I know.

Dick: There's dicks on the box…there's dicks in the..

Maddox: Actually, that's pretty funny. That's…that's a sign…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, no? That's what you're describing.

Maddox: That's a sign that…yeah. I agree.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's a sign of artistic dissent.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: When he drew that dick on the cover of the Little Mermaid, and then Disney backtracked, like, "Oh, it wasn't a dick." They whitewashed their own cover! Like, guys..

Dick: (interjects) Well, yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: It's part of…

Dick: What are they gonna say, there's a giant dick on their cover?

Maddox: Yeah, but the little kids don't know what that is! They're just looking at that and it's like a giant shiny dong, and the only way you're gonna know what it is, is if you know what a dick looks like. Kids don't know that!

Dick: Half of them do!!

Maddox: (giggles) The boys?

Dick: Yeah! (they both laugh)

Maddox: Don't worry about it, man. It's…it was hilarious. Artistic dissent is great. Of course. I would always…I am…I am a stealth operative, buddy. That's why I would work for Disney.

Dick: What would you do? What's, like, an example of the stealthful dissent, the artistic dissent you would do as…in the cartoon?

Maddox: Well..(stammers)

Dick: Of the Beast?

Maddox: I'll give you an ex…I dunno. I'm not in that position, but I'll give you an example of how I did..

Dick: (interjects) Oh, just, you know, for fun.

Maddox: I'll give you an example of how I did dissent at one of my old jobs. At the telemarketing…I worked for a telemarketing company.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And when Congress passed this law that was the "Do Not Call" Act, uh…I think that's what it was called. Where…telemarketers could not actively call people who didn't opt in or work with another company, so it…basically eliminated outbound telemarketing calls.

Dick: Great!

Maddox: Great, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So there was this petition that started going around in telemarketing circles. And it was all the telemarketers and their managers and supervisors and people who worked at these companies…signing a petition to send to Congress to abolish this…this law.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They say it's gonna hurt our business, etc, etc. When it came to me, I not only didn't sign it, I removed names from that list before I passed it out.

Dick: Alright!

Maddox: (stammers) Because I knew the industry I worked in was shitty.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I would forego my job just to see the shitty industry crumble. That's how I felt.

Dick: Oh, you were hoping it would crumble.

Maddox: Yeah, absolutely.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I knew…(stammers) it was my way of paying for my website and going to college, but I knew it was a shitty industry.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: So. That's why I worked…that's…does that answer your question, Tim Chainz?

Tim: No, man.

Dick: No, it didn't answer my question either.

(they talk over each other)

Maddox: What? What was your question, then?

Dick: What kind…no. no.

Tim: You didn't answer the question, like, how would you do it in Beauty and the Beast?

Maddox: I dunno, man. I'd have to think about it!! Putting me on the spot here. I don't know.

Dick: Alright. Alright.

Maddox: How would you do it? How would you do it?

Dick: You got more about Disney?

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: I would whisper things like, uh…"I love Gaston". Like that.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: And see if they can sneak it in there.

Tim: I would be, like, "Yo, what up, Beauty? You should hire me for your DJ…DJ services, man."

(Dick giggles)

Maddox: Mmkay.

Dick: That's pretty subversive.

Maddox: DJ…(stammers) uh, what's her name? Tammy?

Tim: Tammy Trujillo.

Maddox: Tammy Trujillo. Yeah.

Dick: You got stuff about, like, slave labor or anything like that for Disney!? Any kind of unethical business practices they're engaged in?

Tim: Ohhh.

Maddox: Of course, yeah.

Dick: Oh, my God, the biggest problem with Disney. Every chick has to go to Disneyland. Right?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How many…and then you're slapping down a hundred…two hundred bucks just to get in the door?!

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: Just to get in the fucking door?! Then they run up with those cameras, click, click, click, click, click, click!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You gotta remember this beautiful, um…uh…(stammers) highway robbery! You gotta remember this stick-up! This romantic stick-up, where this chick's stickin' you for two hundred dollars!! (upset)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. Is that your problem?

Maddox: That's my problem. Disney.

Dick: Disney. Well..

Maddox: One company has way too much power over our…they have way too much power and influence over what kids learn and see. They are the filter.

Dick: Yeah, okay. I don't…kids get ….kids get access to a LOT of entertainment.

Maddox: (stammers)

Dick: They're on there all day, man.

Maddox: But there's no metrics. Like…(stammers) If you…like I said. You go to a store. Go to Target, and, like…count the number of Disney properties that are toys. Versus any other company.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: The Japanese version of the Little Mermaid? Another version came out just after the 1989 version. It was a series, and the end message. It was like a…a Little Mermaid series with, like, 27 episodes, something like that. They were trying to get this golden tablet. The Little Mermaid couldn't get it. She didn't turn back into human. And she and the prince were sitting on the beach, and she says, "Well, sometimes you don't always get what you want." And the prince said, "I guess you're right. We don't always get what we want." That's it!! That's the important lesson. That's completely whitewashed from the Little Mermaid. That's my problem with Disney.

Dick: Alright! My problem…last problem is, umm…I dunno. I'm not gonna say it's worse than Disney, but I am interested to see where it's gonna fall in the votes. It's a problem that everyone can relate to. I had a big occurrence of this, this week.

Maddox: What?

Dick: Losing Your Remote.

Maddox: Oh, great. (scoffs)

Dick: Losing The Remote.

Maddox: Losing the remote.

Dick: Losing the remote.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: It's a problem that's plagued us since the beginning of time.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Losing the remote.

Tim: Yeah, I feel you.

Dick: It will for…yep. Yep.

Tim: I feel that.

Dick: It will forever plague us. Remotes are getting smaller, ladies and gentlemen.

Tim: True!

Dick: True. The new Apple TV remote is so small, if that thing…if that thing goes sideways, you can't see if it's right in front of you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's the future. That thing falls between the cracks of a couch cushion like…like it's greased up. It's gone! You put it down on the couch, disappeared.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Forever. Forever. And then you're knocking buttons around. You're sitting there, just trying to relax.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: After a podcast.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: TV's fucking changing its own channels, because you're sitting on the remote.

Maddox: You can't lift the cushion and just grab it.

Dick: Well, you don't know where it is. That's the problem. I'm…I lost a…every time I lose the remote, if I don't…if I don't find it…within, like, five seconds, I start to panic.

Tim: Anxiety.

Maddox: Bec…yeah. That's…that's right.

Dick: Extreme anxiety.

Maddox: That's right, Tim. Tim Chainz.

Dick: 'Cause you don't know if you…

Tim: (interjects) I learned that word today.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause you don't know if you're ever gonna find it again. Have you ever lost a remote for good?

Maddox: Uh, no.

Dick: I wish Sean was here. 'Cause this..this happened to us when we lived together. Sean was convinced that someone stole our remote. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Like, as a joke, or they had some kind of, like, stolen remote reselling ring?

Maddox: But doesn't Sean also have dogs? It's possible the dog took it, chewed on it somewhere.

Dick: Um, well we didn't have dogs then.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I don't…I've never seen that happen, either. I've had dogs my whole life, never seen them abscond with the remote.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The average time spent searching per week for a remote is 5 minutes…5.35 minutes.

Maddox: Whoa! I guess I was all wrong about this problem. (background laughter) (Maddox laughs)

Dick: That amounts…that amounts to 278 minutes! That's…that's more than 4.5 hours a week.

Maddox: Good! Do something else.

Dick: That we spend looking for remotes.

Maddox: No, not…4.5 hours per week!?

Dick: Over an average lifespan, the number is 370. That's this study. 370…what is this? Hours?

Maddox: (stammers) I don't know.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah! That's two weeks.

Maddox: Two weeks.

Dick: 370 hours. The average person spends in their lifetime, looking for a lost remote.

Maddox: Yeah.


Maddox: I mean, by choice. No one's forcing you to look for the remote.

Dick: GOD IS!!

Maddox: No one's forcing you to watching T…no…(giggles)

Dick: What are you gonna do?!

Tim: You gotta find the remote!

Dick: Yeah, you gotta find that remote, man! It fucks with you like a sliver in your brain!!

Maddox: Well…(unconvinced)

Dick: All day when you can't find that remote!

Tim: Madolph, you don't unnerstand, alright? Losing a remote is like losing Tammy Trujillo.

Dick: Yeah! (giggles)

Tim: Alright?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Exactly like that, Dick.

Tim: It's like losing her.

Maddox: Yeah.

Tim: Because she was gonna be the one to get you to the top.

Dick: It's like a piece of your soul, Tim Chainz!

Tim: My soul.

Dick: Yeah.

Tim: White soul. (they giggles)

Dick: I don't know what…


Maddox: Stupid. So stupid. (laughing)

Dick: You're not white. (giggles)

Maddox: Get a sound effect, man. License…license the horn. You can get an air horn from several…

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

Maddox: Yeah, okay. (laughing) I'm sorry I spoke. Great.

Dick: Men spent an average of 18.5 days looking for a lost remote. While women spent just under 12.5 days.

Maddox: That…that sounds…

Dick: So men are doing all the…all the work. In the remote game.

Maddox: Yeah. That sounds like stubbornness and control. Where's the psychologist talking about that shit, huh?

Dick: Missing a remote?

Maddox: Yeah. That…how about that? That's literally you being…feeling powerless to control something! How's that for psychology, huh?! Shithead?! Yeah!!

Dick: I think it's literally being powerless.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You're…you're…literally feeling powerless and are powerless to control something, so you're spending all your time…instead of going out and doing something else…Or, how about this, get a fucking system. Put the remote in the same spot every time. I do that!

Dick: Oh, please!

Maddox: I never lose…I NEVER lose my remotes!

Dick: Here's…well, here's what else you could be doing with your time. Here's what people spend their time doing. Just to put this in perspective.

Maddox: Okay, alright. (giggles)

Dick: You spend…you spend three months of your life in traffic. Okay?

Maddox: Yeah, thanks to people who don't have…

Dick: Traffic, horrible.

Maddox: …backseat drivers!

Dick: Okay. Traffic is horrible, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Three…three months! That's on par with two weeks of looking for my…you spend…you spend 17 days of your life kissing.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: I'm sorry, 14. That's two weeks. So you spend as much time kissing in your life, as you spend looking for a lost remote.

Maddox: I don't…my numbers are way different.

Dick: You spend no time on the remote, and…

Maddox: All my time kissing.

Dick: All your time kissing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What a romantic man. (Maddox giggles) Women spend one year of their life deciding what to wear. How about that?

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: And we spend 48 days having sex.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: So there you go. What are you supposed to do if you lose the remote? Like, at what point do you just quit and buy a new one?

Maddox: Uhhhh…

Dick: 'Cause that's the thought. That's the panic that's in our mind. As soon as it's gone.

Maddox: I guess.

Dick: What do I do?

Maddox: You get another one. Or you use the…the manual controls on the TV.

Dick: That doesn't exist anymore on some of these things.

Maddox: They…they do. They do. Even…even TVs that you don't think they do…usually on the bezel, there is some kind of control.

Dick: Of course, on the TV, but we've got so many boxes now. You got a cable box. There aren't buttons on it anymore.

Maddox: I dunno, man.

Dick: Chromecast doesn't have buttons on it! You're fucked if you don't have the remote!

Maddox: But Chromecast is controlled through your cell phone or your PC, so…

Dick: Oh my God, I don't even know. I don't have one. (background laughter)

Maddox: This is all converging very, very rapidly. Everything that has a remote control, it can be controlled by your cell phone. Either now or eventually. In fact, back in 2003, I had a cell phone, my Nokia E90. It had an infrared port and an app on it, that was completely free. All the apps were free on Nokia, way back in the day. Where, uh…well, most of 'em. Um, you could control anything you wanted with your…with your cell phone. I had so much fun at bars turning off the TV. Changing the channel. Turning up and turning down air conditioners. That shit was fucking awesome!

Dick: You could turn up air conditioners?!

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: How?!

Maddox: I have a remote control air conditioner right now. They…they make those things. They make remote control…I have a remote control fan! In the corner of this room.

Dick: Yeah. Hmm.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That you can control with your phone?

Maddox: You can control anything, as long as it has infrared.

Dick: Well…that makes the remote even more important.

Maddox: Uh..(giggles) no, I…it makes it less important!!

Dick: Especially if it's your phone! Especially if it's your phone. You're gonna lose that next.

Maddox: Well…people lose their phones all the time.

Dick: Alright, that's my problem.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles) Good problem, Dick. Alright. Got anything else?

Dick: Nope! Uh…thank you, Tim Chainz. Do you have…

Tim: Yeah. Wait, I got a problem. Damn!

Dick: You have a problem?

Tim: Y'all gonna just skip me?

Dick: What do you mean?

Maddox: What's your problem, bro?

Dick: Yeah, we're definitely skipping you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Tim: Look, normally I'd say my problem is why Tammy didn't take me back, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Tim: But my real question is, "Does jet fuel melt steel beams?" (they giggle)

Dick: That's your problem?

Maddox: Is that your problem? (laughing)

Tim: That's my problem. Does it melt steel beams?

Maddox: That's a dank meme, bro.

Tim: Hey, man.

(Sound effect: Digital horns, "TIM CHANGZZZZZ!")

(Maddox cracks up)

Dick: That's not going on the list. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Nice try, Tim Chainz.

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: Alright guys. My problems this week were Street Art Abolitionists and Disney.

Dick: My problems are Backseat Drivers and Losing Your Remote. Thank you Tim Chainz. You have anything else to plug?

Tim: DJ…Tim Changz DJ Services (Dick giggles) Email me. Hit me up with some song requests.

Dick: Alright. (Maddox giggles) We got another…another question of the week in here.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey fellas. Question of the week, here. (clears throat) What do you think would allow you to see more titties?"

Maddox: What the f…

"Being able to turn invisible, or being able to turn into an animal? (Maddox snorts) Not an insect. Just animal."

Dick: Not an insect. (grins)

Maddox: Not an insect. Good.

"A few things to think about."

Maddox: Yeah.

"One…if you're a dog or a puppy…"

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

"Girls love puppies, as Dick as said. They'll probably bring you inside and you can chill out, as long as you don't piss or shit on the floor. (Maddox giggles) You can probably see some titties."

Maddox: This is really well-thought out. (grins)

"Also, if you're a bird…(giggles) you can fly right the fuck up to a window…"

Maddox: Yeah, you could. (Dick giggles)

"You don't have to be a bird to do that, but it probably helps."

Maddox: It does help.

Dick: You do…you definitely have to be a bird. (laughing)

Maddox: To fly up to a window.

"Things about being invisible. Obvious things: It's easy. The things to think about, though, are footprints.."

Maddox: Mhmm.

"And knocking shit over."

(Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Those are the things to think about, yeah. (laughs)

"(inaudible) …to get into being invisible, unless the doors are locked, whereas being a puppy, someone would just let you in. (giggles) Maybe… (Dick laughs) being able to be an invisible puppy would probably be the best option, but that's not a choice. (Maddox laughs) Discuss it."

Dick: It's not a choice.

"And get back to me.")

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's…

Dick: (interjects) What do you think? Would you see more boobs if you were invisible, or if you were an animal, not an insect?

Maddox: Uh, always invisible. Always. Because, here's the thing. Seeing boobs is half the battle. The other half is jerking it! So how are you gonna jerk it as a puppy or a bird?!

Dick: That's a good point.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Yeah. Didn't think about that.

Maddox: Didn't think about that, Matthew McConaughey.

Dick: He didn't think that through, weird Matthew McConaughey.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Alright, let's see. I got, um…I got some fuckups. Those are usually funny.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Voice mail: male voice: "I don't know what you guys…whatever. Fucking (inaudible). So what you guys didn't realize… (Maddox giggles) is the fucking fact that the reason people…the bosses don't allow you to come…whatever, fuck. Fuck. I can't speak. I'll call back again. Fuck.")

Dick: Well…(Maddox cracks up)

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Dick: Don't bother!

Maddox: Idiot!

Dick: It's not getting on!! (laughs) (Maddox laughs) (Tim laughs) Uhh….oh, okay. So the mysterious gift giver? The Riddler?

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: We know who it's NOT.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: We're narrowing down suspects.

Maddox: Let's hear it.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys, it's Butt Sanchez. Um…I'm just calling to confirm that the package was NOT me."

Dick: Thank God.

"Um…and there's three things about that package that gives it away that it's not me. Number one…I'm a sincere person. Um, I'm not gonna send you a bunch of dumb shit like that? I'm gonna, like, at least try to send you something cool. I know last time wasn't…"

Dick: What do you mean, man? All of that package was cool.

"…great, but, um…Two. I'm not a Republican, like, uh, I think that Obama hat was, like, really dumb. And um…"

Maddox: This is the evidence. He's laying out his case.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

"blech, fuck. Sorry. (giggles) Um…thre….fuck. What was my last one? Oh yeah."

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

(they both giggle)

"…I'm not a mens' rights activist, like, I think that shit's dumb, so…yeah. That package is not me. I'm sorry."

Dick: Well.

Maddox: Okay.

"Bye guys. (inaudible)")

Maddox: But we would've believed you if you just said you didn't do it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You don't need to present a case, like, to a jury. A sequestered jury.

Dick: Um, okay. Last one.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey Dick. I don't even have to happen to work in the food industry and I go to work sick all the time. (Dick laughs) You know why?"

Maddox: Great.

"They don't fucking pay me if I don't come in."

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: That doesn't make you a good…that doesn't make it okay!

"If I don't get paid, how am I supposed to buy…things like…like Harry's razor blades, or your stupid bonus episodes?")

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: It's not stupid. You're stupid!!! Ass.

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Dick: Yeah! It doesn't make it okay if they don't pay you!

Maddox: Dickhead.

Dick: That's not a go…that doesn't remove you of the moral responsibility to not infect people with your disease!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Every single person! "Well, they don't pay." Oh, well, that's exactly what the Nazis said! That's EXACTLY what they said! "Well, I gotta go. I gotta shovel these Jews into the ovens, or else I don't get paid!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You don't…

(file cuts off)