Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 85

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Drunk Drawers to Star Wars! (Dick laughs, says "Oh, man.") With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. (Dick sighs) I'm Maddox. With me is Dick!

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer…

Sean: Hello!

Dick: Oh, fuck Star Wars, man.

Maddox: Wh…right out the gate!

Dick: Dude. Uh…somebody owes me 30 bucks back.

Maddox: Wait…sounds like you owe yourself 30…how did you spend 30 dollars on tickets?

Dick: Disney…Disney owes me 30 dollars, PLUS the 20 that I spent on refreshments.

Maddox: Wha…how?

Dick: Plus, my time! Plus wasting two hours of my time, or two hours and twenty minutes of my time at midnight, last night. That movie fucking sucks!

Maddox: Wow….

Dick: Look, it was horrible! It was horrible, it was horrible! Please don't see it! Please, God, don't see it. Whatever you do, don't go see this fucking movie. It's horrible!

Maddox: You…

Dick: (interjects) It's HORRIBLE!

Maddox: Okay. Y…

Dick: (interjects) It totally negates all three of the first movies! T-totally! 'Cause everything's exactly the same!!! They come back, and the…(stammers) the entire Galaxy is still fucked. Do you…(stammers) is that a…(stammers)

(Sound effect: Horrific, piercing baby cry)

Dick: Is that a baby, or a horse?

Maddox: It's a baby. (giggles)

Sean: I know, I couldn't tell! (in the background) (laughing)

Dick: What is the fucking point if the movie starts out whe…(stammers) you won. Everybody risked their lives. A bunch of Bothans were lost to…to get the plans for the Death Star. A bunch of people died to kill the ultimate evil and take back the entire galaxy for the forces of good…and what did it do? NOTHING. Everybody still lives in squalor, and there's still stormtroopers and assholes in weird cloaks doing shit! They didn't even change the fucking name of the good guys! They're still called the Rebellion!! What are they rebelling against?!

Maddox: No, they're not called the Rebellion. They're called, um…it's, uh…

Dick: (stammers) Ths…it's the Republic. But it's the Re…the Rebel factions of the Republic. How are they Rebels?! Is there a democracy or what? Who the fuck is anyone!? (angry) And why are they doing anything?!

Maddox: Uh…(scoffs) you better be careful, buddy, 'cause you sound a lot like a Starlord right now.

Dick: A Starlord?

Maddox: Yeah. The Starlord.

Dick: Why, that the movie was horrible?!

Maddox: I shit all over Galaxy…Guardians of the Galaxy, and everyone jumped down my throat, and here you are shitting on one of the biggest blockbusters…

Dick: Not one fucking protagonist. Nobody in that movie wanted to be there. Black guy! Coward, wanted to go home. Chick, wanted to go home and deal with her crippling emotional issues. (whines) You…you've…you're meeting Han Solo. You're getting ready for the adventure of your fucking lifetime…(yelling) and you wanna go home to wait for your parents?! Fuck you, then!! Where's the regular person!?!?!?! Where is the regular guy who wants to go on the adventure of a lifetime throughout space!!! And meet a bunch of stupid muppets!! Where's ME?! Where's me in the story!? (Sean laughs) Nowhere! It's a total piece of shit that J…who wrote it? J.J Abrams?

Maddox: No. I don't….

Dick: Who wrote it? Whoever…whoever wrote it just wanted to write a story about a fictional little girl that they wish they had! Which is that chick. Who does everything perfectly all the time and uses a lightsaber for the first time to beat up a Sith master!? (yelling) Like, that goofy, stupid, l…hey! Hey! A Sith master who gets beat up by a janitor, and a woman who's never touched a lightsaber before, who for some reason, existed in the middle of nowhere and was not a prostitute! (Maddox scoffs) She's a scavenger! Somehow…somehow that logic makes…(Sean cracks up) Dude, fuck that movie. That's the…it's the first profession. I didn't invent it. I didn't invent it, but it's there for a reason.

Sean: Do you know how many pissed-off emails people are gonna get for spoiling this?

Maddox: Yeah, I…

Dick: Oh-

Sean: Or YOU'RE gonna get.

Maddox: No, (scoffs) uh, Sean, I…I spoiled this on…on Twitter, pretty bad. So I took…

Dick: Wait, wait, what?

Sean: Oh, fuck it.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: What did you do?

Maddox: I spoi…(laughs) I Photoshopped a picture of a coffin with the name of a character that dies on…

Dick: Han Solo!

Maddox: In the movie.

Sean: Oh, shit.

Maddox: No, no, no. So everyone got pissed off at me, and I just wanna take that back. For anyone who saw that on Twitter, I'm sorry. Han Solo does not die in this movie. (they crack up)

Dick: Wait, WHAT?! Are you really apologizing?

Maddox: No, I'm saying, yeah. Han Solo definitely does not die in this movie. I'm sorry if…if I upset you. That is definitely not a spoiler. You're fine.

Sean: I like how that kid looked like an emo version of Rocky from Mask. (Dick sighs)

Maddox: Yeah. There's even a Twitter account called "Emo…"

Sean: It was like the all-ugly cast.

Maddox: Emo Kylo Ren.

Dick: It was the all-ugly cast.

Maddox: No, there's a twitter account right now, it's a parody called Emo Kylo Ren, uh…where he…he just writes really angsty messages to Hot Topic and things like that. And to his parents. Yeah, I…

Dick: (interjects) It's a case of daddy issues. Everyone in that whole fucking movie has daddy issues. Girls, waiting for dad. Guy, hates his dad, wants to kill him.

Maddox: I…I thought the movie was okay. Uh, it was just fine.

Dick: Ugh…(giggles)

Maddox: It was fine. I'm not…you know, I…I feel like I'm in that little, um…(belches) that little island in the middle, where nobody, like…I don't love it and I don't hate it. I'd give it a solid 6/10. It was fine. I fell asleep during the movie. (Dick cracks up) I don't fault that. I don't…

Dick: Damn you and your ratings! (grins) You told me you brought…we had an argu…Maddox and I had an argument for like an hour and a half about whether Bridesmaids was good. 'Cause I thought it was…uh, the worst movie I'd seen since Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Uh…before Star Wars: The Force Awakens. Now it's…now it's the second worst movie I've ever seen. And you said it was good, and then I said, "Well grade it with a number, like on 1 to 100." And you said, "Oh, I'd give it about a 50." (Maddox laughs) Like, okay, then we concur…that's awful! You fell asleep during this movie..

Maddox: No, I didn't give it a 50…

Dick: …that you think is okay.

Maddox: No, I'd give Bridesmaids…(stammers a bunch) I like Bridesmaids…is it Bridemaid? Or Bri…bride. Whatever.

Dick: Doesn't matter.

Maddox: I liked that movie better…I liked it better than Star Wars. Um, but yeah. This…Star Wars was FINE. It had very high expectations. I don't know if I liked it, or if I hated the prequels that much, that it makes this movie not suck as much shit. I don't know.

Dick: To have a movie…you need somebody who wants to be in the movie. That's it.

Maddox: Everyone wanted to be in the movie!

Dick: Nobody wanted to be in that movie.

Maddox: Daniel Craig wanted to be the movie so bad…

Dick: (talking over Maddox) No, no, no, no, no!!!

Maddox: …he was a stormtrooper!

Dick: No, no. You need a CHARACTER.

Maddox: The characters wanted to be there!

Dick: No, they didn't! They all wanted to leave!!

Maddox: Admiral Ackbar wanted to be there!! That guy hasn't been employed in years.

Dick: (giggles) Yeah.

Maddox: He's doing shit since the last movies! Since the…the whatever…(stammers) the Death Star blew up. The last one.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, yeah, I know this time, they got the Planet Destroyer, and it sucks up…

Dick: Star Killer. St…it kills whole stars, Maddox.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dick: That's so big.

Maddox: Yeah. Kills stars and then kills planets!

Dick: You know, I'm surprised…

Maddox: (interjects) I get it.

Dick: …that Admiral Ackbar didn't just pop on the screen and go, "It's a trap!" "Hey, everybody, it's a trap! Facebook me and Instagram your favorite star memes to Star Wars while you're watching a fucking movie!"

Maddox: Ohhhh.

Dick: You're watching a fucking movie! You're watching a fucking movie! That was the entire movie for me, was just constant…you're watching a movie! You're watching a movie! Like, fuck off! I get it!

Maddox: Ohhh, you're a hater.

Dick: You already got my money! Just gimme a good movie!!

Maddox: You're a hater. It was not…it was not terrible. It had…look. It had this movie…

Dick: It wasn't terrible, but you fell asleep in it.

Maddox: Yeah…

Dick: So how would you know?

Maddox: I've fallen asleep through lots of good movies. And I don't fault it to the MOVIE. (Dick giggles) I don't fault the movie…like, I was just tired. And I had those D Box seats, so…(stammers)…

Dick: What's that?

Maddox: For those who don't know…yeah. The D Box seats are…are…

Dick: Is it…

Maddox: It's like that 4D movie experience now. That they're marketing it as.

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: That right? Where you feel…your seat shakes, and it vibrates, and it goes up and down and all this other bullshit. And I turn my sensitivity up ALL the way.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: So there's a scene where…

Dick: (interjects) So you had like a vibrator?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You were watching this movie, riding a vibrator? A Sybian?

Maddox: Oh, it was violent.

Dick: (laughing) That sounds real cool!

Maddox: It was, like…it was like sitting on a rodeo bull, watching this movie. And so…(stammers) and it's weird what they decide to aug…accentuate with the…with the vibrations.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So there's this part where, uh…what's her name, Rey? At the beginning? The chick? Um, she takes something and puts it in her holster, and the seat shook so violently…(Dick guffaws) I…like, it startled me! (Dick laughs) It was the most violent…like, almost like someone just came behind you and just took your seat and just shook it as hard as they could!

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Like, what the fuck?! If someone was doing that behind me…like, kicking my seat? I would lose my mind! And now people are paying a premium…(laughing)

Dick: People are paying money to get their seats kicked!

Maddox: Yeah, basically. (laughs)

Dick: That's the next step. 'Cause they're not gonna make good movies anymore. They're…they're all just going…it's more special effects, now in-theater effects. Soon they'll have, like, analog, personalized effects. Where a guy will just sit behind you and jiggle you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Or laugh at you. Look, a guy will be sitting there, waiting for you to comment in his ear, and then go, "Oh, good one. Good one." (Maddox giggles) "Good joke." "Good joke."

Maddox: Just, uh…get a little affirmation for all your…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: All your…your witty quips.

Dick: More…more like something's awakening!! Oh good, yeah, yeah, yeah. (Maddox laughs) Good one. Good one.

Maddox: Ahh, that's real funny. Yeah. The fifth…the fifth D experience.

Dick: Anyway. (sighs)

Maddox: It was FINE, man. What do you expect?

Dick: Fuck that movie.

Maddox: They had high…look. For a movie with as high expectations as this movie…uh, they did okay. Like, they could have done way worse. They could have been…as bad as any of the prequels. It wasn't. It wasn't. It wasn't great, the dialogue was a little clunky. Um, some of the scenes didn't need to be there. The whole…the whole first opening act with, uh…what's his name? The pilot. You could cut that entire thing out of the movie.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He had NOTHING to do with the movie.

Dick: Nothing to do with anything.

Maddox: But, uh…you know.

Dick: And what…WHY…(voice cracks) WHY did they need the Force to torture that girl? They put her in the torturing room to get the information out of her, and he's like, "Huh, I'll use the Force". Doesn't work. Like, huh, I guess we're fucked, then. What h…do they not have knives in the fu…in a long time ago, in a galaxy far away?

Maddox: Yeah, maybe they don't. I don't know.

Dick: I don't know. Fu…

Maddox: (interjects) That's why everyone uses, uh…lightsabers instead of swords.

Dick: Don't go see it. That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Okay. (scoffs)

Dick: Do yourself a favor. Don't go see it. Don't…I convinced my brother in law to run away from home, essentially, at midnight. To go see it, 'cause his wife was sleeping. His wife was knocked out for, like, 10 minutes. I'm, like, "Hey, let's go see…let's go see Star Wars right now while the warden's asleep."

Maddox: Ahhhhh.

Dick: And he's like, "Oh, I dunno. If she wakes up, she'll be pissed." And I'm like, "Ugh. You do wanna come see the Star Wars movie with me." (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Well…speaking of the Force.

Dick: Speaking of…home school? (Maddox cackles) Speaking of problems? Why? What were the problems?

Maddox: Okay.

Sean: Did you just say brother in law, and then his wife?

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah, which means…

Dick: I mean, that's technically accurate, isn't it? What do you wan…oh, my SISTER, Sean? (Sean cracks up) SO sorry. My SISTER.

Sean: It was weird.

Dick: Oh, my God.

Maddox: Yeah. Hey, speaking of weird, guys.

Sean: It was weird.

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: The biggest problem from last week…in the universe. Was home schooling!!

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Disgusting.

Maddox: And then…Elf on a Shelf. Yeah, I agree. Home schooling is disgusting. (Dick laughs) And then Elf on a Shelf. And then…dead last. Not even a problem. In the negatives. Christmas Trees.

Dick: Awwwwww.

Maddox: Christmas trees, Dick.

Dick: That's bullshit.

Maddox: So, Dick. Last…last episode when I brought in home schooling, we…we debated a lot of stuff, and…

Dick: We debated, like, what is a stats and why didn't you bring in any?

Maddox: I did bring in some. I mentioned that 85% of the people who are home schooled do it for religious reasons. And that it's really difficult…uh, I did way more research, uh…just to…just to confirm, like, how scarce these studies were about home schoolers.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And the few studies that I found were all writte…were all done by people who worked at ecclesiastical schools. Like, uh…like archdiocese schools, Catholic schools. Big advocates for home schooling. And they were also kind of…championing the religious aspect of it. They were saying, "Well, it's a good thing because you can teach them religious studies at home." Etc, etc. That doesn't necessarily invalidate the home school learning experience and in doing more research, I found that the majority of people on YouTube who are home schooled…liked the experience. (stammers)

Dick: Sure. Sounds awesome.

Maddox: And of course. Yeah. (giggles) Of course. Of course they liked the experience.

Dick: They don't have to deal with a bunch of shitheads screwing around in class, making unfunny jokes.

Maddox: Well, yeah, you…

Dick: (interjects) While you're trying to learn. While I'm there trying to learn about spelling.

Maddox: Ohh. (scoffs) Sure. (giggles)

Dick: And reading. Teach me how to read, please. And spell.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This bullshit I will never need to know in my entire life.

Maddox: Oh, sure. (giggles)

Dick: Teach me about you and your, please, so I can get on Facebook and look smart. "That's the wrong version of your." (whiny voice) "That's the wrong version of your."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "I learned it in school, 'cause I was paying attention." (whiny voice)

Maddox: Yeah. Don't be a mushmouth. Learn! Learn fucking grammar so you don't sound like an idiot! Um, what I did find, in fairness, is that the majority of people who do…go to college, go onto college, who have homeschooled, uh, do well in college. And they do well on their ACT and SAT tests. Um, however, they're…they're only testing people who…get to that point, where they're in college. Like, again, it's hard to test people who aren't in the system.

Dick: Like who?

Maddox: If you're dropping out before that…and also, they count home schooled students as anyone who's had any amount of home schooling, so if you did one grade at…at home because you were moving, or you were travelling some place, or you were sick for a year, whatever. They count you as a home schooled student. So it's kinda wishy washy. It's all over the place. However, I had some clips I didn't get a chance to play last episode.

Dick: Oho. (groans)

Maddox: This is from a kid named Mika Buzan. On YouTube. And he…loved his home schooling experience. And he talked about how, uh…it was kind of a culture shock for him when he…when he transferred to a private school. Listen to this.

(clip starts) "Hello. I'm Mikey Buzan, and I was home schooled."

Dick: Fix your fucking audio, Michael.

"Yep. I'm a home schooler. But home schooling was definitely…it's, like, the best time of my life, and that all changed when I went to private school in 7th grade."

Dick: Ohhh. (fake concern)

"Complete culture shock to my home schooled brain."

Dick: (snorts) Just…like everyone.

Maddox: Uh…(stammers) well…

Dick: Oh, there's more? Go on.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Let's hear this. Let's listen.

Dick: I don't wanna pause the video.

"I'd gone in the with expectations that everyone was gonna be, like, home school people at Good Shepherd Academy, but they weren't. There were all these social rules… (Dick giggles) and there was a dress code, and…"

Dick: That sucks.

"Heavy emphasis on grades, and it was really…"

Maddox: Oh, no.

Dick: That sucks as well!

"It was very confusing. I…it was the worst year of my life, actually. 7th grade."

Dick: Yeah?

"Yep. Hated it.")

Dick: Sucks.

Maddox: Yep. Hated it. Now, listen to this…

Dick: (interjects) A tie with every other year.

Maddox: Here's…here's what happened…(Sean and Maddox giggle)

Dick: Worst year of my life.

Maddox: Here's what happened to him…(Dick cackles) Here's when he showed up to the first day of…of class. His first outside home school class.

Dick: Can I guess? Did he get his pants pulled down?

Maddox: (laughs) Well, he wasn't wearing pants. Listen to this.

Dick: Oh.

(clip starts) "I showed up with a…pink and purple backpack and I had duct tape wrapped around my shoes, 'cause I wanted to be like Sonic."

Dick: Gaaaaaaay. (laughs)

"I had a Pokemon shirt on."

Dick: Awwwwww! (Maddox laughs)

"And I had shorts, which were against the dress code. This a private school. There's, you know, a dress code, and all these rules, and…"

Dick: He wanted to be like Sonic?

"It was so confusing."

Maddox: Yeah.

"It was…not a good time.")

Maddox: He showed up to his first day of school…his first day of class…dressed up as Sonic, because he hasn't been socialized, and he doesn't know these are social rules!

Dick: Oh, PLEASE!!!

Maddox: What do you mean, oh please?!

Sean: This is obviously a joke!

Maddox: No, it's not!! The…this guy has lots of YouTube videos. Look up his YouTube channel. He's ALWAYS advocating home schooling and he's talking about all these things that he did. He's just a…he's just a…(stammers) a weirdo!

Dick: So home schooling is bad because he didn't learn how to conform to your expectations?

Maddox: No, it's not about conforming to expectations.

Dick: Uhhh…

Maddox: It's about understanding social norms. You don't show up to a bar wearing shorts and flip flops and expect to get in! Because you know that socially, that's not accepted.

Dick: I do! I've been denied from many bars for wearing shorts and flip flops!

Maddox: There you go!

Dick: Never at the Pacific Dining Car, which is why I go there.

Maddox: Garbage.

Dick: Why is…what is the deal with Sonic and autism? (Maddox laughs) Who do autisms like Sonic so much?

Maddox: Okay, it's not…(Sean cracks up)

Dick: Sean, do you have any opinion on…(Maddox laughing) why does every…autist…how do you…what's the correct term?

Maddox: Autist.

Dick: Autismo?

Maddox: Just autist. (Sean giggles)

Dick: Why does every autismo…

Sean: I believe it's autisms.

Dick: Like Sonic the Hedgehog so much? Does…

Maddox: (interjects) I…I think Sonic's cool. (Dick cracks up)

Sean: They just…they just draw him over and over again. And make…

Dick: Yeah, they do!!! (laughing)

Sean: And make 3D models.

Dick: They do!!!!

Maddox: No, they don't!!! SEAN!!! (they crack up) They don't!!

Dick: But even this guy!

Maddox: They make….just, really cool kids sometimes make Sonic!! They make really cool 3D renders of Sonic! Sometimes! Sonic's awesome.

Dick: (interjects) Hey…

Maddox: He…he DOES have to go fast! Sonic's the fastest! (laughing)

Dick: He's got _____on the autism!!! That's how he's chasing him!!! (they all crack up) I'll get you, Sonic!!

Maddox: Shut up. What an asshole. I think Sonic's great. I love Sonic.

Dick: I…

Maddox: (interjects) Wait, wait. I got another clip.

Dick: Oh, another clip of this guy.

Maddox: Yeah, wait, wait. I got another clip. He's not this guy. This is another one…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Dick, this…this kid. Now, I'm not sure if you have a time machine hidden somewhere and you went back in time and made this YouTube video, but this sounds so much like you.

Dick: Oh, really?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Sounds cool?

Maddox: He's a real cool kid. Cool with a K. His name's Trevor Moran. Uh, here's his video. Listen to this. He's talking about the virtues of home school. Listen to this.

Dick: Okay.

(Clip starts, with light music in the background. "What's up, everybody? It's Trevor Moran."

Dick: It's cool.

"TGIF and the theme this week on O2L is…"

Dick: Yeeah!

"Home schooling versus public school."

Dick: Yeaaaah! (laughs)

"A lot of you guys already know this, but I am actually home schooled. I do online school."

Dick: Actually!

"Praise the lord, it is the best thing.."

(file is inaudible as they all crack up)

Dick: Ohoho!!!

"…do this because I'm so busy. And it's good that I can miss days and work on the weekends."

Dick: Yeah!!!

"And it's just…it's a big bundle of fun. Let's start off with pros and cons."

Dick: Ohooo! (laughing)

"A pro of home schooling. You can eat whenever you want!"

Maddox: Yeah!

"Can you do that a public school? Mmmmnope!"

Dick: I don't think so! (grins)

Maddox: Nope! (laughs)

Dick: Bro!

"Pro number two of home school. I don't have a specific time to wake up or arrive anywhere! Plus 1 for Trevvy!!"

Dick: Boom! That's a pro, bro! (they laugh) (file continues as they laugh)

"…I got nothing.")

Maddox: Yeah. He's got nothing as a pro for public schools. This kid…

Dick: There is no pro.

Maddox: It's…that was like the…

Dick: (interjects) Public school sucks!

Maddox: That was like the verbal version of riding on a skateboard.

Sean: That kid was weird from the word "go". I believe he is home schooled.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: (giggles) Guys…that kid was cool.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. They all are. They're all weird.

Sean: The other guy I'm not convinced of.

Dick: You guys aren't fucking cool! That kid is cooler than both of you!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He's got a sick-ass soundtrack. He's making his own TGI Friday variety show! (giggles) On YouTube!

Maddox: Yeah. No, he is cool. He's…he's too cool. Too cool for school.

Dick: Yeah. He's cooler…

Maddox: (interjects) Literally.

Dick: Cooler than shit. How about that?

Maddox: He's literally too cool for school! (laughing)

Dick: You wanna be cool as shit? That kid's cooler than shit!!

Maddox: Yeah. He's…I think he's exactly cool AS shit.

Dick: I brought in…I got a bunch of…pro home school and anti home school voicemails. The problem is, everybody had such a personal connection with home schooling.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They all were…they're all enormous voice mails. Um…I'll play…I'll play this one. Tell me if you wanna hear more.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey, this is that fuckhole who called in last week."

Maddox: Sounds like he was home schooled.

"So, I'm listening, and although I'm very proud to have been a caller featured on the show, I'm also a home schooler, you fucks!"

Maddox: Yeah, I can tell, because of your voice.

"And lemme tell you. Uh… (Maddox makes stupid sounds) I was in college by the time I was 15."

Dick: Cool.

"Computer science. I was getting shots handed to me left and right by jocks."

Dick: Drinking!

Maddox: Yeah.

"And I was banging girls who were over 18." (Maddox giggles) "Granted, they looked like fucked-up squirrels, but…"

Maddox: So you were sexually abused. Go on.

"I had my moments. Okay?"

Dick: Oh, please.

Maddox: Statutory rape.

"And I had those moments because I was fucking home schooled. And Asterios, you're alright. You're the sound of reason on this fucking vessel of bullshit."

Dick: Whaat?!

"It's a tight ship, but you guys sure do sail on a sea of bullshit."

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Asterios disagreed with you, you idiot!

"Alright. Peace out. Bye.")

Maddox: Yeah. Well, there's your home school education!

Dick: Home school. Banging broads at 15.

Maddox: So he was statutory raped.

Dick: And drinking. That's awesome!

Maddox: Statutory raped. Uh, illegal alcohol consumption. (Sean giggles)

Dick: Ugh. Age is just a number.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) (background laughter) Yeah, age is just a number that can get you thrown in jail, right Jared?

Dick: Like someone's gonna…it's TOTALLY different when the chick is older!!! Come on!!

Maddox: Naaah.

Dick: 15? A 15-year-old dude and an 18-year-old chick? That's…is that wrong?

Maddox: There's something…there's something psychologically not baked with…

Sean: (interjects) Where's the abuse?

Maddox: With adolescents.

Dick: Exactly. Thank you, Sean!

Maddox: No, there's something psychologically not baked with adolescents, that makes them kind of fucked up.

Dick: Ohoho. (giggles)

Maddox: And it makes you fucked up to have sex with them when they're that young.

Dick: Yeah. (grins) But an 18-year-old chick. They're rock solid.

Maddox: No, I don't think so.

Dick: Every single 18-year-old chick I've ever talked to, they've just got it all figured out.

Maddox: I…I wouldn't hook up with an 18-year-old. Just…(stammers) at a glance, I probably wouldn't. Um…it would have to be…I mean, no. It's just…weird and creepy.

Dick: Um, well it is easier. Here's a list of people who were home schooled. Lewis Carroll. You know him?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alice in Wonderland.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Uh, Andrew Jackson.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: You think you're better than him? Andrew Jackson.

Maddox: Yeah, I do.

Dick: Mozart.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Home schooled.

Maddox: Well…(giggles)

Dick: Were you aware of that?

Maddox: Yeah, but…

Dick: You think Mozart was in public school getting held back instead of at home writing symphonies?

Maddox: Hold on. Mozart's an exception. He…

Dick: Hooooooooo!!! (laughs)

Maddox: He had talent coming out the ass. If you are…a prodigy and you're writing full symphonies by the age of 6, yeah. You're…you get a free pass. You can…you can drop out of traditional school and focus on your career.

Dick: Okay. Taylor Swift.

Sean: Well, what was…

Maddox: Taylor…

Dick: (interjects) How about exactly the same, pretty much. (Maddox giggles)

Sean: What was the normal education back in those days, though?

Dick: Oh, stop, Sean!! Who cares?!

Maddox: It was mostly home schooled anyway, yeah.

Dick: Who cares? Who cares? (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Alright, so, you won.

Maddox: And his dad was an instructor, too. Mozart's dad.

Dick: Emma Watson. Hot as shit. She was home schooled.

Maddox: Well. Al…yeah. Also a pain in the ass. Big pain in the ass. Uh…I got a comment from Josh Giovelli. He says, "Hey Dick. The effect on these kids is that they grow into adults that don't have necessary skills and knowledge to function in society, or the scientific education they missed out on leads them to realize that they want to be a scientist, but they're 28, missed the free ride for years of college, they have bills, and can't afford the classes, and just want to get a simple degree to get a leg up in the career they wish they had a chance at earlier in life. If that sounds very specific, it's because it is." And he says, "I know and believe a parent should be able to parent as they see fit, but there's a limit. We don't allow parents to mercilessly beat their children as a form of discipline, and with good reason. Controlling every facet of their education has the potential for abuse." I…I totally agree with that. If you…

Dick: Yeah. (sighs)

Maddox: If you are getting your lecture and lesson plan from a parent who is also responsible for feeding you and giving you your vacation and toys and allowance and everything else, it puts an intense pressure on you to not dissent and not challenge anything you're taught.

Dick: Yeah! (giggles) That should be! You should have pressure on you to do well in school. And by the way, not everyone is terrified of their parents like you are!

Maddox: I'm not terrified of my parents.

Dick: This is…every example you give is these authoritarian parents! A lot of parents raise and teach with love. Like, the opposite of what you're describing.

Maddox: Well, just because you have good intentions doesn't mean that you're doing the right thing. Um…here's the problem. A lot of people don't understand, really, what a good teacher really is. I…I used to date a teacher, for a long time. And I'm very close to a lot of teachers. And this specific school, the teachers are required to make lesson plans every single night. And they go home, and this isn't, like, some worksheet that you're getting that day. They're making custom tailored lessons for you, based on their pedagogical experience. They look online to see what other teachers are doing, what other schools have done, what works and what doesn't, and then they custom-tailor their lesson to the classroom. And if there's any student who doesn't understand it, they are trained to recognize that. Parents are not. Just like that girl who I quoted in the New York Times article, who said that, "My child is very gifted and has a very special brain…" and whatever. You…it's the Dunning-Kruger effect, but it's even worse, because it's your own spawn, who you are predisposed to thinking higher of than other children, because you created it! You can't…you can't just avoid that cognitive bias. You need someone who doesn't have skin in the game on that level to be able to tell your kid, "Hey man, you're fucking up." "Hey buddy, you need to study this a little bit harder and you need to do this thing. You need to do that thing." Parents aren't doing that.

Dick: I'm amazed we can get that for so cheap.

Maddox: Well…Dick…

Dick: It's a miracle. We can get all that stuff for what? $40,000 a year? What a great deal.

Maddox: I mean…I mean, what's the going…what do you think they should get paid?

Dick: I just think it's…it's very impressive that we've figured out to how to hire all these custom-tailoring learning solutions for developing minds for such a cheap price.

Maddox: Dick…

Dick: It's great.

Sean: He thinks it doesn't exist. (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Yeah, I know. I know.

Dick: Hey, I…

Maddox: (interjects) Dick thinks…Dick thinks that, like, money necessarily correlates, the people who are teachers…

Dick: (interjects) No, I'm just happy!!!

Maddox: No, no. But the tea…

Dick: (interjects) Can we get it cheaper?!

Maddox: No. The people who are teachers are not doing it for money.

Dick: No shit.

Maddox: Because they could go into the private sector.

Dick: I wouldn't even call that money.

Maddox: They could go into the private sector and make way more money doing anything they wanted to.

Dick: Well, that's an assumption.

Maddox: No, they could. I had a teacher at the University of Utah. He was WAY overqualified for teaching at the school. He was a fellow at Princeton.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: In..physics. And he is one of the…is…the professors who was instrumental in creating blue laser. Blue laser technology. For Blu-Rays. This was back in 1996, I was talking to this guy, and he was teaching my class. The only reason he was doing it is because he liked to ski. He wanted to be in Utah because he liked to ski.

Dick: Laziness.

Maddox: No!

Dick: That's why he became a teacher?

Maddox: No, it's not laziness, Dick. Uh, the teachers who are teachers are doing it because they have a passion for teaching.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They actually…like to do it. And you can tell. There is a WORLD of difference between a good and a bad teacher.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: A good teacher likes to be there and enjoys teaching.

Dick: Meanwhile, parents have kids, 'cause they hate kids, right?

Maddox: I'm not saying you don't love your kids. (Dick laughs) Just because you love someone, doesn't mean you know what's best for them.

Dick: I'm winding you up! (stammers) I get what you're saying!

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: It's fine. I just do…do you have more points to make on home schooling?

Maddox: I do…(stammers) the bottom line is this. I read all the comments. Some people said they had a great home schooling experience and they went on to have very successful careers.

Dick: Which is what the numbers say.

Maddox: Others…

Dick: Like, you have to admit, the stats say they do better than…

Maddox: (interjects) There are…there are no stats, Dick.

Dick: I got…dude, I got a peer reviewed study, done by, uh…lemme find this guy.

Maddox: Is it Michael Cogan?

Dick: No, I don't know. Lemme find it. Um, Eric…Eric something. I'll link to it. Um…

Maddox: What's the name of the study? Let's hear it.

Dick: It's got…let's see. "Major findings include the achievement test of scores of home schooled students are exceptionally high. The median scores are typically in the 70th to 80th per….25% of home schooled students are enrolled one or more grades above their age level public and private school peers." That's a big…that's a pretty big stat. A quarter of them come in an entire grade level above their public school counterparts?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, but those are only…the parents who are reporting their students as being home schooled. Some…some of them never make it that far. And those students who don't, you don't ever hear about them.

Dick: They get shipped to China to make iPhones? What happens to 'em?

Maddox: No, they become…they, I don't know. I don't know what happens to them!

Dick: "The median income for home schooled families is significantly higher than all the families with children in the United States." "Almost all home schooled students who come from…(stammers)" I don't know. It's a big…there's a lot of factors in this. Um…he does bend over backwards to say it's not conclusive that home schooling is better, although that's what the numbers are saying, here. (conspiratorial)

Maddox: Yeah, no. First of all, Dick…home schooling isn't even practical. A practical option for most people, because parents work. Parents have shit to do.

Dick: Yeah, they work to pay taxes to build public schools.

Maddox: No, they…sometimes work to put food on the table, as well. They're not just working to fund public schools. And…by the way, there are good and bad public schools. There's good and bad home schooling experiences. I'm not denying that. And…and someone on Twitter tweeted at me and said (goofy voice) "Hey Maddox, can't you see any advantage to home schooling? Can't you see any pros for it?" I'm like, "Of course I can." There's lots of pros to home schooling. If you have a good teacher. If you have good parents who are trained. But that's not…that's not what I brought in. I brought it in as a problem, and I'm not gonna argue FOR home schooling when I think it's a problem.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um, I got a…I got a prank email.

Maddox: Oho, let's hear your prank email.

Dick: I'm done with home schooling. Do you have more to say about home schooling? (mutters)

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: Like, we get this prank emails all the time, where people send in stuff that's obviously fake, 'cause they want it to get read on the show, so then they can go in the comments and say, "Ha, ha, ha."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "You guys reacted to something that's obviously fake. You're stupid."

Maddox: I can spot those.

Dick: I'm gonna read this one…yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Tell me…(stammers) I spotted this one immediately.

Maddox: Yeah, I…

Dick: So see if you can do the same. It says, "Dear Dick, Maddox, and Sean." Uh, it's from Mia. "I started listening to your show when I was diagnosed with cancer." Okay, already probably fake.

Maddox: Well. (giggles)

Dick: Right?

Maddox: I dunno yet.

Dick: (Sean giggles) "You guys really pulled me out of a state of crying from unhappiness to the point of tears from laughter." So, right? She was depressed, and this podcast turned that depression into merriment and laughter?

Maddox: That doesn't sound fake to me.

Dick: That sounds totally fake.

Maddox: No.

Dick: This is obviously a fake email. "I'm happy to say that I'm now still in remission and am so excited to see what next year holds in your continuing regular and bonus episodes." Which you can buy on the site for $1.99. That's not in the email. I'm adding that. "I just want to thank you so much for being such a welcome form of happiness in a pretty shitty time of my life. Yours truly, Mia." So, better luck next time Mia. (Maddox laughs) With these joke…these joke emails.

Maddox: Great. That was not a joke email, Dick. That sounded like a sincere email. You're welcome, Mia. Glad that the show offers you some reprieve from your suffering. (giggles) That sounds awful. Um…but, uh…no. But seriously, thank you for listening and we're glad that we have listeners out there.

Sean: And Dick is an awful person.

Maddox: Yeah, well, I mean..

Dick: (interjects) Ohhh!! I'm the awful person just 'cause I can spot a fake!? (Sean and Dick laugh)

Maddox: That's not a fake. (giggles) Hey, uh, before we move on to the problems…I got a…I got a song, Dick. This is from Christopher Strand.

Dick: Oh, cool. I like that guy.

Maddox: Yeah. Listen to this. New song from Christopher Strand. It's, uh…it's about my wedding services, because I did that wedding veil review a long time ago.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: So it's a commercial for my wedding services. I think you'll enjoy this.

(Clip starts. (Wedding March on organ starts) Male voice: "Are you about to get married? Do your beloved friends and family sound like this?

(Maddox goofy voice) "Uh, well, I wanna eat, but I don't wanna be the first. Ugnnnnnh!"

(Dick and Sean crack up)

Dick: Oh yeah, that's right.

"(male voice) "Then you should call Maddox's Wedding Services. (Maddox giggles) He doesn't mind opening trays of food.

Maddox: "If I show up at a party and I see a big table full of trays no one's touched? Uh, aluminum foil on top? Guess what?! I'm opening them!"

(Dick cracks up, Maddox giggles)

"And I'm gonna eat! I'm gonna be the first to eat!"

Dick: So specific!!!

"(Male voice: "He'll tell those picky eaters and vegans 'No.'

Maddox: "You're a picky eater? Stay home. We're not gonna invite you."

Male voice: "No one's dancing? Maddox has it covered."

Maddox: "This fucking, uh, dipshit wedding I'm at! No one's dancing 'cause they fucking planned it shitty and they ordered… (Dick cracks up) they invited a bunch of shitty, coward guests who aren't dancing! I'll fucking get up there! I'll dance! Great!"(Maddox giggles)

Male voice: If this sounds like what your wedding might need… (Maddox and Dick laugh) Visit Like this satisfied customer!!

Dick: "There's Maddox, out there by himself before the bride and the groom have their first dance, 'cause he doesn't understand wedding protocol!!" (they all laugh in the background) Dancing some weird, Middle Eastern dance!! (they all laugh loudly) Screaming at the band to play!!! And that they're all cowards!!

Male voice: Ten out of ten! Unsure about the wedding night?

Dick: Ten outta ten.

Male voice: Call now, and ask for the Bags of Sand Package. (Sean cracks up) For advice from self-proclaimed Sexpert.

Maddox: "You guys don't even understand the level of expertise when it comes to sex that I have!"

Male voice: Don't let your special day be ruined by… (Dick cracks up) "Special People". If you call Maddox the Wedding Guy today, he'll turn your wedding from this…

(Wedding March plays louder, loud yawn sound)

Male voice: "Into THIS."

(Wedding March plays on an electric guitar/organ instead)

Maddox: "Cool."

Dick: Cool!

Maddox: Yeah.

(electric march continues to play)

Maddox: Sounds like that home schooled kid from earlier made this song! (they laugh)

Male voice: Yeah! Now that's more like it. Don't be a jerk. Let Maddox do the work. (Dick and Maddox laugh) (begins to speak faster for the subtext: "By hiring Maddox's Wedding Services you agree to provide Maddox with the following: Bicycle Parking. Soup. A bottle of hot sauce. Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey. Food allergies will be tested.")

(clip ends)

(Maddox laughs)

Dick: Ahhh. (sighs)

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Says a well-adjusted, socially-adjusted man from public school! (laughing)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Alright, Dick. You got a problem?

Dick: Oh, yeah. I got a…oh, I got a quick one. Um…Spending Too Much on Christmas Presents.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: We're past Christmas, right? This is…I'm not gonna…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm not gonna bring in Christmas presents all year.

Maddox: This is our first post-Christmas episode.

Dick: So, my life coach…(giggles) Uh, I call my life coach up. Like, last week. Week and a half ago. Maybe two weeks ago. Because my…my cousin in Nebraska wants to go hog hunting.

Maddox: Cool!

Dick: And here is the…here is the catch. We can get a helicopter. We can go helicopter hog hunting.

Maddox: Hmmm.

Dick: Hunting bigass boars and hogs and javelinas, or whatever they've got, wherever we're going, from a helicopter.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: I dunno. I mean, that's cool!

Dick: Like, pretending we're in Vietnam, right? Blap-blap-blap-blap-blap-blap-blap-blap!

Maddox: Sure, okay. (giggles)

Dick: Right? (giggles) Okay. (Sean laughs) For, like, $1500. So I'm like, "Oh, my God." Calling my friend up, like, "Dude, we're going…we're going hog hunting. This is gonna be amazing." Right?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: These guys are from the mid-West. They're bringing mid-West guns. I'm embarrassed to bring my guns to this.

Maddox: Yeah, what do they got, muskets out there?

Sean: Except there's a dirt road to get there. (Maddox cracks up)

Dick: Sean…Sean…

Maddox: Dick gets stuck and turns around! (laughing)

Dick: We have a helicopter, Sean!!!! You prick!!!

Maddox: Ahhh. (sighs, laughing)

Dick: We can fly over any dirt road!

Maddox: Yeah. There might be currents.

Dick: We're gonna drive into the helicopter!

Sean: You have to get to the helicopter.

Maddox: Yeah, there's a dirt road to the helicopter.

Dick: Yeah. Nah, helicopters come pick me up, I imagine.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: So, my life coach says, "Ah, I can't. I'm saving…I'm saving money. I can't do this. I don't know what's become of me in my marriage and in my old age, but I can't do that. I'm saving money." And I'm like, "You're saving 500…you're…you're bailing on hog hunting to save $500? Like, okay. (sighs) I mean, if that's what…if that's your guiding principle, this is once in a li…have I ever asked you to go helicopter hog hunting before?" RIGHT?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is a memorable experience.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Wouldn't you wanna do it?

Maddox: Uh, (stammers) I would rather go hog hunting on ground, by foot, like God intended, rather than this remote control BULLSHIT…(Dick giggles) Where we're sitting there with technology.

Dick: Whoa, whoa. Remote control?

Maddox: What, do we need, like, stealth…stealth bombers to kill these fucking pigs?! (yells) They're just pigs, man!! Give me a crossbow, and put me in a swamp somewhere, and I'll fucking kill a hog!

Sean: Wait, do you think there's a drone involved?

Dick: What did you mean, remote control?

Maddox: Well, it feels like remote control. If you're just sitting in a helicopter, the pilot takes you to a hog. There you go. Here…(stammers) you feel like a lazy idiot. Like Dick Cheney, doing that…shooting ducks at that reserve, where they're driving 'em around in a Jeep. Get the fuck out, fatass, and walk around! Kill them like you're supposed to!! Jump on its back and stab it in the next with your arrow! (Dick guffaws)

Dick: Okay. That's what I thought.

Maddox: Yeah. (they crack up)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, he bails.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Well, whatever. Solo mio. I'm gonna go by myself. I'm gonna go have a helicopter hog hunting trip all by myself. Me and my cousin are gonna go. Fuck you! So I get a text from my life coach, uh Christmas Day, and he goes "Oh no. I really fucked up."

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: "This is the fuckup to end all fuckups." I'm like, "Oh, what did you do?" He said he waited 'til the last minute to buy his wife of, like, two years. A Christmas present.

Maddox: Uh-oh.

Dick: He said I was really…I was really under the gun. I was really pressed for time. And she's always been talking about wanting to get a hot air balloon ride. Alright? So he popped on the Google, Hot Air Balloon Ride. And he goes, BOOM. Purchased. He goes, "It was more than I wanted to spend." Right?

Maddox: Ohhh.

Dick: "It was more than I wanted to spend. I was already really far in the hole on it." Like, he wanted to spend a couple hundred bucks, 'cause he's trying to save money. He ended up spending, like, you know. Like, 800, 900 bucks on this…on this hot air ballon ride.

Maddox: That seems like a LOT.

Dick: Seems like a lot, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So she opens it. They're all over at her family's house. She opens it, and she goes, "Oh my God. A hot air balloon ride? And in Napa Valley?! This is great!!" and everybody's like, "Oh my God! What a…what an expensive present!! What a wonderful present that you just got her! I can't believe you would spend that much on it!" and he goes, "What do you mean?"

Maddox: Napa Valley.

Dick: Where's…isn't Napa Valley, like, an hour away?

Maddox: Wine country.

Dick: He said, "No, it's nine hours away. It's next to San Francisco, you dumb shit." (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's where, like, people go on…it's where bachelorette parties from, like, the OC go.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: To drink all weekend.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And blow a ton of Daddy's money.

Maddox: It's e…it's implied that you're gonna stay at some fucking winery! Yeah!

Sean: Well, this guy was home schooled. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah, was he REALLY?! (cracks up)

Sean: No.

Dick: No, no, no. He wasn't. He wasn't.

Maddox: I bet he was! (laughs)

Sean: No, he was not.

Dick: No, no.

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: So he's texting me this while she is on the Internet looking up, like, um, vacation bungalows in Napa Valley. (giggles)

Maddox: Yeaaaaaah.

Dick: For, a thou…1 thousand a night, like…

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Like, a thousand, twelve hundred a night, with, like, luxury…

Maddox: Stupid.

Dick: …romantic bungalow cruises.

Maddox: Mmm.

Dick: So this idiot just dropped…can't go hog hunting for a couple hundred dollars, but just dropped, uh, 3k on his wife's Christmas present.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Talk about spending too much money on Christmas.

Maddox: Stupid!

Dick: That's all…

Maddox: Big mistake. Hey, uh…you could…you could solve…it sounds like his gift was a solution to both problems. Because he could have taken his wife hog hunting in a hot air balloon!! (Dick cracks up) HUH!? Take that hot air over to the Mid-West! That's a….now that's fucking hog hunting, because then you don't really have control over the hot air balloon. The wind's blowing you whichever way you to, oh, my gosh.

Dick: Okay. (giggles)

Maddox: You're blown away from the hog? You gotta get better aim!!

Dick: So you think…so the technology is the issue for you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You don't want too much control.

Maddox: No.

Dick: You wanna even the score.

Maddox: I…I think that if you…yeah.

Sean: There's an element of risk to it. You don't know who's gonna win. (Dick laughs) You could kill the hog, or…you could fly into power lines and die.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, Sean! There you go!

Dick: Yeah. Or you could drink too much and fall out of the basket.

Maddox: Hilarious. I…think it would be so funny if you d…if you broke your neck hog hunting. 'Cause that's a story that everyone's gonna ask. I mean, not you, obviously. But they're gonna ask your friends, like, "What the hell happened to Dick, that idiot?"

Dick: What do you mean "Not you, obviously"?

Maddox: 'Cause your…your neck is broken.

Dick: Yeah, but it's gotta happen to one of your friends.

Maddox: Yeah, but it…

Dick: (interjects) You would say that to anyone that you were telling the story to!!

Maddox: Dick, I would be the friend. Your friend, who would tell your friends, later, after you died hog hunting.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: After you died hog hunting and broke your neck! And I'd be like, "Yeah, he fell out. He got too drunk."

Dick: Oh, I get it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I get what you're saying.

Maddox: I would be that guy.

Dick: I just don't know why you said, "Not you, obviously" to me, when it would always be one of your friends doing it. Like…

Maddox: No, I'm saying not you…not you specifically, like, whoever died. You wouldn't be telling that story, obviously, 'cause you're dead.

Dick: Oh, oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. That's what I meant. Yeah.

Dick: I thought you meant you didn't want me to die. I misr…(Maddox laughs) I misinterpreted…I misinterpreted what…(they both laugh)…you were saying.

Maddox: Ahhh, hog hunting. Yeah, man. Um, there's also this…this company that has made this new type of…tracking system for…it's a scope that does auto tracking for guns. Real guns. And they call it democratizing precision. Or democratizing aim.

Dick: Oh, that's cool.

Maddox: And…so what it does is it, uh…it's basically this little monitor as your scope that tracks motion of the target. And…

Dick: Whoaaaaaaa.

Maddox: When it moves a little bit, you press the trigger once to track it, and then you press it again to fire. And it automatically calculates the right trajectory and aim and adjusts just slightly so it hits your target, like, 90% of the time.

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: I think that…

Dick: I need two of those.

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) I would…I would never…(stammers) I would never take something like that hunting. I think that takes…everything out…basically, you're just pressing a button and then killing…(stammers) killing meat. I think that's stupid.

Dick: Yeah, but it doesn't give you something cool to say after you've done it. That's still in…that's still on you.

Maddox: Oh, great.

Dick: You need, like, a gun that'll also spit out, like, a cool catchphrase. (grins) (they laugh)

Maddox: I'm sure that's…that's version two. It's gonna say "Good Job" on the screen, or a little LED, like, "Way to go, man". Or a…(giggles) Maybe it'll be written by that cool kid who was home schooled earlier. Trevvy Trev.

Dick: I liked that guy. Alright, that's my problem. Everyone's probably feeling a little bit of buyer's remorse right now.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? We all get excited for the holidays, and spend too much. And (stammers) and you never get the reaction you want!

Maddox: No, man.

Dick: For these presents.

Maddox: Back in Utah, I used to spend thousands of dollars on my friends. And…I think I mentioned this on the podcast, I'm not sure, but it always left me feeling empty inside.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Like, I…I would spend so much money, and I never felt like they fully appreciated the gifts I bought them, and I never felt like…like, you know, I…I expect them to just open up my gift and think, "Oh, wow, cool!"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know…that…

Dick: When you would never do that…like, you don't go to the store and buy, like, a video game, and then get it in the car and go, like, "Oh, my God! Wow! I just bought myself this video game!" Like, you want a reaction that's totally unnatural.

Maddox: Oh, Dick.

Dick: When you give somebody a present.

(Sound effect: 'Wrong buzzer')

Maddox: No, that is exactly how I react when I get in my car. Are you kidding me!? (Dick laughs) I bought a video game this weekend! (Dick guffaws) I was so excited! I sat in the car looking at the cover and, like, poring over the back. (Dick laughs so hard he squeaks) I still…I put the game in my system and then I go to the Options every single time. First, I wanna see all of the options, right?!

Dick: Oh, God. (laughing)

Maddox: It's like a new car! I wanna, like, feel it. Like, oh, what…what can I tinker with here? What's going on over here? And then I never change anything, because I wanna try the game…

Dick: As they intended.

Maddox: As they intended! The native experience.

Dick: Yeah, as they intended. Like listening to an LP.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (Dick laughs) I go through that ritual. No, no, you got me wrong, buddy. (Dick laughing) But as far as…as far as spending money on friends goes…like, I decided a long time ago. I sent an email to all my friends saying, "Hey guys.."

Dick: Oh, okay. (scoffs, laughs)

Maddox: "I'm no longer…I'm no longer buying Christmas gifts this year. Don't buy me anything, please."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I changed my policy to, "If I see anything that I think you might like throughout the year, I'm just gonna buy it for you." I've done it for you, Dick. I got you some, uh…action figures a long time ago.

Dick: Yeah, those are cool.

Maddox: Yeah! Because we…Dick and I are both huge fans of…what's his name…

Dick: Angry Youth Comic. Ryan…

Maddox: Ryan…

Dick: North?

Maddox: Yeah, Ryan North, Angry Youth Comics. They're hilarious.

Dick: And we got s…we found this. We were walking to this comic store, and we found these in the very back. And they're, um…they're obscene. Like, they make…they make no sense from one panel to the other. The stories just go in tangents and they're highly scatological.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, in three panels, someone'll be swinging from a rope like Tarzan, and the rope is made out of feces.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then they'll…they'll swing, and like, their erection will go into, like, Hitler's ass.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: That's, like…that's a possible comic. I'm just making that up. But we got so excited about these comics, we started showing them to everybody to be, like, brand…like, "You gotta look at this comic that we secretly found!"

Maddox: Yup.

Dick: And everyone hated them.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: And didn't think they were funny.

Maddox: I have alienated myself from certain people in my life because I've showed them this comic and really pushed it a little too hard. Uh, (stammers) (background laughter) like, these comics are a little bit racist. There's…there's one, umm…(they both crack up)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They're…like, they can be…like, some of 'em are, like, uh…you know. On that…on that line, and maybe they fall over the line a little bit.

Dick: Little bit more racist than the Star Wars aliens.

Maddox: (laughs) Well…

Dick: Right? Little bit.

Maddox: No. I w…I think the Star Wars aliens are a new bar.

Dick: On the same level!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. Alright.

Maddox: By the way, did you see the Neimoidian clip we posted on the website?

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: That girl…she made those full-size Neimoidians…and the way she, like, caresses the body, ugh, kinda weird.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Uh, anyway, man.

Dick: I did the best reaction for…uh, the best dollar to reaction I got? I got my nephew little Lego men from the Lego movie.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Which…(stammers) were like 3 dollars apiece, right? Nothing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Nothing, right? Everybody's showering this guy with gifts. And I get him just little Lego guys, right? He opens it up. He's 3. He goes, "Oh, my God." (Maddox and Dick laughs) Takes 'em out one by one. I was like, "Oh, my god, alright."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Rein it…curb your enthusiasm, there. You're embarrassing yourself.

Maddox: Yeah. That's when you nailed it. Yeah, I got a girl a toaster one year. She hated it.

Dick: Awful.

Maddox: That was…SHE WAS SAYING she wanted a toaster for years! (background laughter) And then I f…I got her a toaster, hate…I got her a toaster oven! It's one step better! (giggles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And that was like, the big gift. And huge letdown. (background giggling) And by the way, I spent, like…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's a huge letdown, man.

Maddox: Yeah, but that was in addition to, like…I spent…like, $800 that year for Christmas.

Dick: Oh, my God!!!

Maddox: And that was, like, one of the gifts I got. And I got, like gift cards, and movies, and…and clothes, and it's just…I feel like nothing really clicks! (yells) Nothing ever hits. I throw everything at the wall, nothing sticks! Everything falls flat. So I…you know, I decided a long time ago…I'm gonna spend the money on me. And I've been so much happier. I spend money on myself and I love myself and I know exactly what I want, and I feel great! I…I travel the world. I went to Paris, the first year?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I told my friends I wasn't buying a gift.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I took the budget I had for Christmas gifts. Spent it on myself. And I went to…London and Paris. And I had the best time, man.

Dick: Uh, great…life tip, then.

Maddox: Yeah. Merry Christmas to me.

Dick: You got a problem? We're…

Maddox: I do. I got a p…I got a big problem, Dick.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: It's called…Filter Bubbles.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Yeah. Filter Bubbles. Uh, this is something…it's not really clear what it…what it means, um…

Dick: (interjects) Can I guess what I think it means?

Maddox: Okay, what?

Dick: Those…those pictures…like, the guys will take a picture of a girl in a bikini, and they'll put big circles on it, and fill in the area between the circles, and it tricks your brain into thinking that they're naked.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, yeah.

Dick: Under the p…under the circles. It's weird. It's a weird phenomenon. But I wouldn't say that's a problem. 'Cause I think that's a solution.

Maddox: Yeah. You're…it's implied nudity.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's a little bit closer. It's asymptotically a little bit closer.

Maddox: Well, those are definitely filter bubbles, Dick, but…

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: …not the filter bubbles I'm talking about.

Dick: Oh. Okay.

Maddox: I got something, uh…a little bit smarter than that. This is…(giggles)

Dick: Well, I don't…you didn't figure that out, did you? Those guys figured out how to trick your brain into thinking you're seeing a naked girl.

Maddox: Yeah. It's click bait. Real…real special. Real special clickbait.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: 'Cause I've…I've clicked on it before. Um…(giggles) but anyway. A filter bubble…this is from Wikipedia. "A filter bubble is the result of a personalized search in which a website algorithm selectively guesses what information the user would like to see based on information about the user, such as location, past click behavior, and search history, and as a result, users become separated from information that disagrees with their viewpoints, effectively isolating them in their own cultural or ideological bubbles." So, this is a huge problem, because…most of the Internet is starting to do this. Sites like Google. I mean, that right there, is like 50% of most searches.

Dick: So, wait, wait. Lemme a…so if you're, like, on Google, searching for, like, a certain type of politi…like, if you're searching for information about Hillary Clinton all the time, it'll then suggest, like, information about global warming, or something like that?

Maddox: Pos…uh, possibly. Like, things that might be related to that…

Dick: (interjects) Like, if I'm searching my Google search. If I'm searching for, like, a Trump rally, it'll say, like, "Here, you also might like helicopter hunting." (Sean giggles)

Maddox: Um…

Dick: Is that an example of what you're talking about? It's like the same filter.

Maddox: Possibly, but if…if you search for Trump rallies, or if you search for Hillary Clinton rallies, or whatever…

Dick: (interjects) If this is a KKK joke, I swear to God, I will pop you. (Sean and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: Oh, by the way, I posted that animation. I made an animation about Trump.

Sean: (laughing) I was gonna make that joke. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: I will pop you in your ass again, Sean. (Sean giggles)

Maddox: You were gonna make a KKK joke?

Sean: Uh, yeah. Something like that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: I posted this thing, 'cause, like, Trump wanted to ban the Muslims. And people were like (goofy voice) "Uh, Maddox, uh…Muslim…Islam isn't a race, idiot."

Dick: It's true.

Maddox: But the KKK hates Muslims. They hate Jews. Those aren't races. They hate…actually, they hate most Christians who aren't part of their specific cult! Anyway…(stammers)

Dick: Well, who doesn't? (Maddox laughs) Like what I like, or I'll kill you.

Maddox: Guys…se…here are the sites that do this, right now. Google, Yahoo is doing it. Facebook. Facebook's a big one. YouTube. Netflix. Netflix suggests only movies that they think that you might like.

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhhh, I see what you're saying, okay.

Maddox: Ehh? So, and news…

Dick: (interjects) It does happen in Netflix.

Maddox: Yeah. And news websites, and even advertisers do this. There's this guy named Eli Pariser. I…Pariser? Or Parriser. Either way. He made a…he wrote a book about filter bubbles and he did a TED talk about it. He quoted Mark Zuckerberg, and this is…this is essentially, in a nutshell, what the problem is. Mark Zuckerberg said, " A squirrel dying in your front yard may be more relevant to your interests right now than people dying in Africa."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And that, right there, is this problem in a nutshell, because it makes…it…it brings your worldview…it makes it a little bit smaller. And that's why they call it filter bubbles, because you are in this little bubble where your…things that affect you are very narrow in scope, and…

Dick: (interjects) Wait a minute. Can I…ask a question?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is…is that Zuckerberg quote saying that that's good, or bad, that the s…'cause I'm more interested in a squirrel dying in my front yard than people dying in Africa for, I think, good reasons.

Maddox: Um…

Dick: Like, the squirrel dying in my front yard might affect me. My dog might eat it and get sick. Uh…I have to take care of the squirrel who's dead in my front yard.

Maddox: 'Kay. Well, you don't have a dog or a front yard, so that's irrelevant. But, uh…(giggles) Mark Zuckerberg's…

Dick: (interjects) OKAY! (giggles) Gotta go fast!!! (they both laugh) Nevermind! You got me! Stumped!! (laughing)

Maddox: I'll tell you why…I'll tell you why it's a problem. The…Mark Zuckerberg didn't say that as if it was a problem. He was saying that as justification for making the Facebook algorithm that gives you this filter bubble.

Dick: Oh, okay. So he was…kind of agreeing with me.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Um, this is from Eli Pariser. He says in the Atlantic, in an interview he did with the Atlantic, he says, " Since December 4th, 2009, Google has been personalized for everyone. So when I had two friends this spring google "BP"", you know, the oil company.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: "One of them got a set of links that was about investment opportunities for BP."

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: "The other one got information about the oil spill."

Dick: Ohhhh.

Maddox: "Presumably, that was based on the kinds of searches that they had done in the past." If you have Google doing that, and you have Yahoo doing that, and you have Facebook doing that, and you have all the top sites on the web customizing themselves to you, then your information environment starts to look very different from anyone else's. And that's what I'm calling the filter bubble. That personal ecosystem of information that's been catered by these algorithms to who they think you are.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Not necessarily who you actually are.

Dick: Curated.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: By these algorithms.

Maddox: Well, yeah. You could…I mean…curated…curated implies some intelligence. Some autonomous being deciding something for you. This is like an algorithmic…it's not quite CURATED, so much as analyzed.

Dick: Well, I'm just thinking, like, Drudge Report. Like, I go there to get news. And that's…it sounds like the same thing. Like, I'm only getting news that Drudge…ultra-conservative Drudge wants his readers to see.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That would be part of a filter bubble? Or are you saying it's only algorithms.

Maddox: Well, you are voluntarily going to Drudge Report, so that's not part of the filter bubble.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: If you go to…if you go to a conservative website voluntarily and you're doing that on your own, that's just you doing that. But…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Here's…here's an example of a filter bubble. Like, if you're…searching Facebook. If you're looking on Facebook in your news feed.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Facebook very, very precisely and very specifically shows you articles and news stories that they think that you might want to click on, that might interest you.

Dick: Oh, that…it is funny to see what people's news…ads are, and what their news feeds are.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then make fun of them about it, like, if all they have is, like, celebrity stuff, or like, pregnancy stuff. (giggles) It's like, "Oh, what were you searching for recently?" (grins)

Maddox: Yeah, exactly. Yeah, it suggests…especially when it suggests things for, like, single people…like they think that you're a loser.

Dick: Ugh. It's so embarrassing.

Maddox: Or…(giggles) or sometimes they get your sexuality…your sexual orientation wrong.

Dick: Gay singles?

Maddox: They give you, like gay shit. (giggles) Here's a bunch of dildos!

Dick: That worried me. I used to watch Adult Swim a lot.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, back in the Adult Hunger Force days?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they would always show these ads for…

Sean: (interjects) Aqua Teen.

Dick: Yeah, Aqua Teen Hunger Force. Thank you, Sean.

Maddox: Aqua Teen, yeah.

Dick: Um, they would always show these gay sex chat lines. And it took me, like, a couple months. And I'm, like, "Wait a minute. Is this…who's…am I supposed to be interested in this? Should I check one of these out?"

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: What's…why are these all these gay sex chat…'cause somebody did this research. Right?

Maddox: Yeaaah. What…what else is in your search history, Dick? We don't know.

Dick: That was a TV. (Sean and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: Oh, the TV was doing it.

Dick: Yes! The TV ads were saying that.

Maddox: But those aren't customized.

Dick: Yeah! Somebody bought the ad space!

Maddox: Ahh, they must have done that…

Dick: (interjects) Is that similar?

Maddox: They must have gotten some demo info. Yeah, it is similar.

Dick: That's what I'm saying! What's the…what is this?

Maddox: But it's less reactive. At least that one…like, marketing people are looking at demo info, but still. I don't like it. Here's…here's the danger of filter bubbles.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Kay? Algorithms deciding what you should or shouldn't be exposed to will narrow your scope of thinking. You won't be exposed to new ideas and you will only see information that reaffirms your point of view. It's basically algorithmic confirmation bias.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Conservatives will only see posts from conservative websites and Liberals will only see news from Liberal websites. And I…I already see it happening on Facebook. As Maddox, like, my Maddox account? I have about 5,000 friends, and, like, 24,000 followers on my news feed, and it's a wide swath of people from all political viewpoints. I consistently see Conservatives only posting links to conservative websites, like Newsmax and Fox News and far-right bloggers. And Liberals only post to liberal websites like Huffington Post and and far-left Tumblr accounts.

Dick: And CNN.

Maddox: CNN isn't…I would say CNN is left-leaning. I don't put them in far left.

Sean: MSNBC is far left.

Maddox: MSNBC is left, yeah.

Sean: Maddox, people do this anyway. People filter themselves.

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, that's…I was gonna ask. Is this the chicken or the egg?

Sean: To reaffirm their life opinions.

Maddox: Well here's…here's where it becomes, uh…nefarious, Sean. I…I conducted an informal experiment on a few of these people to casually track the amount of dissent they receive with each post. Uh, so I had a theory a long time ago that the more staunchly partisan someone's viewpoint was on Facebook, the more likely it would be that people who oppose that point of view would hide or unfollow posts from that person, rather than engage in a protracted political debate with a friend or colleague.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And over time, I…I watched. I tracked a few of these people. Over time, I hypothesized that you would see less and less dissent in the comments of status updates, which is probably because more people who disagree with them are hiding them. So the only people who…who are left commenting on their status updates are people who agree with you, creating a reaffirmation filter bubble. Everyone in your world seems to agree with everything you say or post, so you might think that your opinions are more popular or widely shared than they actually are.

Dick: Yeah, I'm not…I'm not trying to discount what you're bringing in as a problem. I just wanna know if you think it is the chicken and the egg. Like, this is…people do this. This exists. 'Cause this is what people like. Like, they…even if you ignore the Internet, they're gonna go to…they're gonna go to a watering hole where they can talk to people who share their beliefs. They're not gonna…like, people don't wanna be filibustering in any medium. The Internet or not. They wanna hear…kinda what they think. They don't wanna get into long arguments about everything, right?

Maddox: Well this didn't…this didn't always exist. Uh, this…this has made things way, way worse. Because it's one thing to not be exposed to those ideas because you're choosing not to. Because you still might have the chance of being exposed to an idea that you…that doesn't reaffirm your worldview.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: In fact, back in the day, when people got most of their news from, uh…from network television news, they were exposed to things from the left and things from the right. But now, with so much choice, um…and it's artificial choice.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You're…you're not…you're only seeing ideas that reaffirm your worldview. And…because it's happening subconsciously on…because it's invisible and it's happening behind the scenes, you might think that…that's what everybody thinks. It's a huge problem. Um…

Dick: Oh, that's definitely true.

Maddox: Yeah. This is…again, from the same guy, Eli Pariser. In, uh…The Economist. He says, "A world constructed from the familiar is a world in which there is nothing to learn. Since there is an invisible autopropaganda indoctrinating us with our own ideas. " I think that's a huuuuuge, huge problem. When you're being indoctrinated by your own ideas. That's why…generally speaking, I rarely…I rarely ban or delete or unfollow people who I disagree with and dissent with. I…I decided to consciously stop doing that a long time ago, because…

Dick: (interjects) What, on Facebook?

Maddox: On Facebook. Yeah. Or social networks. Because if I did, then Facebook would then alter what I saw. And I…it would be disingenuous. It would be…it would be dishonest.

Dick: I don't know, man. I don't…I…I block…or I, like, unfollow people on Facebook.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, who always post political shit?

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Uh…I'll, I'll definitely do it immediately if it's left-leaning more than right-leaning, but I kinda just hate it overall. I don't think that that's bad, necessarily.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: (interjects) I'll also do it if I, like, followed a chick to stalk her and she starts posting pictures of her and her boyfriend, like, oh, unfollow, unfollow, unfollow. (Maddox chuckles) But I don't wanna unfriend her.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause then I lose her…sphere of friends.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Yeah. Smart.

Maddox: Of course.

Dick: Dick tip for you. (Sean laughs) (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Um, Dick, I think that this has…greater repercussions than just politics. I think that, um…a long time ago, I was gonna write this article, uh…with regards to music and why I didn't believe that most people actually know their musical tastes. I don't think that most people actually know what their musical tastes are, because most people used to get informed about their music choices by listening to the radio or MTV. But that totally undermines authentic, cultural trends, because the music they promote is set by the agenda of the record label, who's trying to make as much money as possible. So if the re…if the record label has an artist they really want to promote heavily.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They will pay radio stations. And it's called Payola. This is an illegal practice. They will pay radio stations to heavily play that track. And then, now they do it with, like, backdoor deals, and perks.

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, why would that be illegal? Paying for a play?

Maddox: Because it becomes monopolistic. When you have a few record labels who control all the..

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: …all the distribution, and they are…they are, uh…paying someone to…to play a record. It b…(stammers) also because the radio waves are…are…contr…are regulated by the FCC.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: They should be…ideally, for everyone. That's why they have to play public service announcements.

Dick: Eh.

Maddox: Because a certain amount of their time, they have to play for everyone. Everyone should have access to those airwaves. It's not fair for someone to just come…'cause there's a finite amount of radio airwaves.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Right? Um…and it's in radio stations' best interests to have a handful of popular songs that sell really well, because they don't have to spend as much money on marketing to promote an unknown artist, and it gives them more power to negotiate when it comes to signing artists, because they have all that money and power by creating a monopoly. So…when artists come to a re…a record label. The record label says, "Well, we own all the distribution. We own all these radio stations. We have all the power." You have no leverage to negotiate anything.

Dick: Yeaaah. Fuck you. (they laugh)

Maddox: Great. No, man. I think they're literally fabricating our tastes in music, and TV shows, and…uh, it's cr…these filter bubbles…

Dick: (interjects) But isn't that, like, what launched the whole hipster movement? Like, honestly. This idea of manufacturing taste, that's what gave birth to people just hating things that were mainstream. That's what caused…uh, going back to vinyl. That's what caused, like, "Oh I don't like…" like, that's the meme of hipster. I like something because no one else likes it. Right?

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: Surely there's…like, that's what you're describing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is they hate it, too. And that's where it all came from.

Maddox: Yeah, it could be. I mean, that's…that's a different argument. That's a cultural…we're trying to get to the genesis of a cultural movement of hipsterism. I…I don't know. That may be the case, but, uh…this filter bubble thing. Back to the filter bubble. Is…is really insidious. Because, uh…when you start to limit your worldview, and you…you basically stop growing as a person. When you stop challenging yourself. When I see a news story. One of my favorite…outlets to go to when a news story breaks is the Google News homepage. I go to the Google News homepage, because it shows all the different news outlets from allll around the country, covering the same exact story.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And you can see very clearly and obviously which ones have a political spin. A political angle. Like, I can see how Fox News is going to publish a certain headline, versus CNN or MSNBC, or Huffington Post. Huffington Post is always left-leaning.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Fox News is always right-leaning. NewsMax is always right-leaning. I can see very clearly how each news outlet covers the same…the same story. And then I sometimes click on both to see if they cover all the same facts and the details. And..and uh…

Dick: (interjects) And how they present them.

Maddox: And how they present them.

Dick: Yeah, it's funny.

Maddox: It's always, like…(stammers) when Fox News reports something that's…that's not very popular with conservatives. They will post the bad news, or the dissenting opinions, in the third or fourth paragraph.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Versus, uh…versus, like, a left-leaning website. Huffington Post. It'll be right in the headline.

Dick: No, I'll give you a great example. Uh…Hillary Clinton had headlines praising her for wanting to shut down ISIS's access to the Internet.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it's like, "She wanted to engage Silicon Valley's top whatevers to figure out how we can use the Internet." And then, like, the very next day was, "Blustering Retard Donald Trump wants to shut down parts of the Internet by asking Bill Gates. What an Idiot."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like, well wait a minute. Aren't those…(Maddox laughs) Aren't those kind of the same? Like, how are you reporting that one like that, and the other one like that?

Maddox: Yeah, but Dick, that's a bad example, 'cause in essence…

Dick: (interjects) How is that a bad example?!

Maddox: In essence, if they wanna do the same thing, fine. But the way Donald Trump said it, it was like, "I'll call up Bill Gates." Like Bill Gates has any control over the fucking Internet. Bill Gates doesn't even work in computers anymore! He's running his philanthropy firm. Donald Trump sounds like a moron when he says, "I'll call up Bill Gates." The way he phrased it…

Dick: Clearly, the headline was targeted to you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Clearly, right?!

Maddox: The way he phrased it…no. No. The…

Dick: (interjects) That's what they were trying to confirm is your suspicion that he said it stupidly.

Maddox: He…he literally said that, though.

Dick: (scoffs) Yeah, again, like…

Maddox: (interjects) Do you think the way he phrased it was smart?

Dick: Of course not.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: He…the way he speaks is to appeal to, like, a fifth grader.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: That's wh…do you think that's not an act?!

Maddox: The way he…the way he…

Dick: (interjects) The way he talks?!

Maddox: No, it's not an act. I don't think so.

Dick: Oh, my.

Maddox: He is so consistent, Dick. Like, he is…he's always BIG and NUMBER ONE. The BEST. (goofy voice)

Dick: Yeah. Well…

Maddox: Yeah. I don't think it's an act. I don't think so.

Dick: Okay. (sighs)

Maddox: You think it's an act? (surprised)

Dick: Well, how could an actor ever be president, right?

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) (laughing) Um here's the thing with, uh…(stammers) I've never seen him break that character.

Dick: Uh…well. I don't know what to tell you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He's very good at it.

Maddox: Well, that's an interesting theory, Dick.

Dick: I don't wanna go off into a Trump Hole, though.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Black hole. The blackest of black holes. It's a Trump hole.

Dick: Should be the whitest, 'cause you think he's a KKK member. (Maddox laughs) The whitest of white holes. (grins)

Maddox: Oh he's got a black hole inside somewhere, buddy. Alright, anyway. That's my problem.

Dick: That's a good problem.

Maddox: Filter bubbles.

Dick: I, um…gosh. I don't know. What's the…what's the effect? How can we measure this? 'Cause there's definitely an ideological divide happening, right?

Maddox: Well, you're…yeah.

Dick: How do we…how do we fix it? What do we do?

Maddox: Well, for one, I…I try to…I try to limit the amount of…that this filter bubble could have an effect on me. So, um…YouTube is a great example. If you watch…one video on YouTube of…political in nature. That's all YouTube will recommend.

Dick: Oh, DUDE! This girl came over to my apartment and watched a stand-up. Like, a stand-up special.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Now, all I get on my YouTube suggestions are stand-up specials. And I HATE stand-up.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I do NOT…I would rather do anything than watch stand-up. I'd rather watch Star Wars again then watch stand-up. But now…because of your filter bubbles…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: All I got is…look at, uh…Aziz Ansari, or whatever.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: On the stand-up.

Maddox: There you go! There you go. And then…

Dick: (interjects) So it is a big problem! I agree with you.

Maddox: Yeah! And then…and then…(stammers) like, I watched a couple of Let's Plays for this guy, who I can't stand. And that's all YouTube recommends anymore, and I watched, like, all of 'em. 'Cause I'm like, "Well that's on now, I guess I'm gonna watch it, 'cause I'm too fucking lazy to go in and clear my browser cache, or browsing history" So now…

Dick: You can't! Google owns it now. Google's got it! They got your search!

Maddox: Uh, you can. But it's really hard. Uh, what I do now, though…

Dick: (interjects) You gotta hack. You gotta hack the Google. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: What I do now when I want to watch something that…that may start suggesting other things like it…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I'll do it in an incognito browser.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Or I'll have a separate browser with a separate cookie space entirely, that I don't use for ANYTHING except for searching for things that I don't want to show up in my feed forever! I'm so tired of it!!

Dick: I try to do that with porn. I look at all the weird porn in another browser…(Maddox giggles) and then I look up decoy porn in my regular search history.

Maddox: Ohhh.

Dick: 'Cause if anybody looks at the regular search history and they don't see any porn, they're gonna be suspicious.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: But if they see normal stuff, they'll be, like, "Okay".

Maddox: I use ad blockers as much as I can. Ad blockers, uh…limit the amount of influence. And that's the other thing, too. Is that you can get stuck buying the same brand forever, because that brand is targeting you and following you around on the Internet. If you look at a type of shoe on Zappo, uh… You know, the shoe website.

Dick: Mhmm. I've heard of it.

Maddox: Um, they have track, uh, tracking ads that start suggesting that type of shoe everywhere you go. So you start seeing it everywhere. (stammers) I hate being psychologically manipulated like that.

Dick: You really do. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I really do. And I found out recently…I have a friend who…who worked in retail for a long time. Uh, she was the manager for Abercrombie and some of these other companies. I found out that they have a very specific playlist of, like, 12 to 20 songs, during certain times of the year.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And they have a certain tempo that they're all going for. And they found that this is the tempo…this is the beats per minute that is most conducive to shopping. And they tweak it here and there.

Dick: Ehhh.

Maddox: They…they tweak the scents of the store. The smell of the store.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I hate the psychological warfare going on. (Dick laughs) Because I feel like we're all kind of, like, subdued slaves. Who are walking around just, like, meat with money. That they are just taking from our pockets.

Dick: We should have an…we should have an ad company. Where you start with this, and then you leave the room. (Maddox giggles) and I sell. From this point on. (grins)

Maddox: Alright, here we…

Dick: (interjects) Okay, so speaking of all that stuff, here's what we wanna do.

Maddox: Everything he said is true. Here's how we use it to manipulate. (laughs)

Dick: I, uh…I watched this. On my dad's Netflix, back when we shared the same account. I watched some sex romp comedy called, like, Sexpot DDD, 'cause I was dating this girl whose friend was in it.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: And it never…all…then his Netflix was ruined.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, he turned it on at home and it was like, "Oh, you like Sexpot DDD?"

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: "I bet you would like…One in the Pink."

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: Like…and he's, like, "What the hell? What did you do?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "I gave you…you had that login for one day and you ruined it with your sex romp comedies?"

Maddox: Yeah. That happened to me. I had a Netflix account where I was curating my list for YEARS. I was like, "I just wanna see cool horror shit, and sometimes anime, and then a bunch of sci-fi shit and documentaries." That's all I wanted to see.

Dick: That would be in the NERD category.

Maddox: Yeah, well, whatever.

Dick: Just type it in at the beginning. (Maddox cracks up) Nerd Extra Poindexter Model, please.

Maddox: And then, like, kung fu movies.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I thought, that's all I wanted to see, right?

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: So then…so this girl came over one time, uh…who I dated. And she watched…like, while I was out…I, like, ran some errands. Came home, my Netflix queue was COMPLETELY ruined!!

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: With a bunch of cute, pink bullshit. It was all pink! Everything was pink, and I'm like, "What the f…what is any of this?! What is all this bullshit?!" It was all, like, documentaries about butterflies and ponies!

Dick: It's enough to give you a headache. (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? You know what else gives you a headache?

Maddox: What?

Dick: Concussions.

Maddox: Oh yeah? (laughs)

Dick: That's my problem. I think we can all agree that the future of our NFL stars are the most important problem facing the United States, right?

Maddox: Ugh. (Dick cackles)

Dick: Right!?!?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Is that crazy?!! Is it fucking crazy that anyone cares about ex-NFL players' mental health? Like, that it's, like, investigations and cover-ups, and that we're doing these studies to see what the long-term effects of concussions are on their mental well-being? It…horrible.

Maddox: Well, I…

Dick: (interjects) We don't need a study to show that! You're bashing your head against other giant men every day, all day.

Maddox: Yeah, but the NFL is denying that there's…that this effect exists.

Dick: Hah! Who cares?!

Maddox: Well, because the…

Dick: (interjects) Like, what…

Maddox: (interjects) I think you would care, because the end result of this…

Dick: (interjects) No, I don't care!

Maddox: The end result of this is pressure put on the NFL to make the game safer. And it's gonna make it less enjoyable for guys like you, who like to watch it.

Dick: Well, you know…you know what the end result is, and this is why I brought it in. 'Cause I wanted to zing this one by you. So if…if mothers think that football is not safe. They are not gonna let their little kids do it. Right?

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: These little kids will not get into football.

Maddox: Cool.

Dick: And will not go to high school and play football.

Maddox: okay.

Dick: Where the entire public school system worships football like it's the third coming of Christ.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right?! So I think…what, go ahead.

Sean: Well, that's already happening. Lots of parents are not allowing their kids to play football for that exact reason.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I'm bringing in Concussions as a big problem.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: 'Cause it is a huge problem! And it happens to kids, all…lemme get the stats here. Lemme get my precious stats. I'll go straight to the youths. Per year, high school athletes sustain 300,000 head injuries. A year.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Right? 90% of which are concussions. By the…by the beginning of high school, 53% of athletes will have already suffered a concussion!

Maddox: So what are the…reper….

Dick: (interjects) 300,000!!!

Maddox: What are the repercussions? Of concussions?

Dick: Yeah. Concentration and memory complaints. Problems.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…irritability and other personality changes. Sensitivity to light. Sleep disturbances. Psychological adjustment problems and depression.

Maddox: Geez, have you had concussions, Dick?

Dick: Many. (Maddox laughs) Yeah. Have you ever been knocked out?

Maddox: Uh…once or twice.

Dick: Once or twice.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. You've had a concussion then, too, there, daddy-o.

Sean: You're talking about CTE. The end result. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: N…well, that's the end result…well, CTE is even worse.

Sean: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Lemme find these. That was…that's just for a concussion. Like, there's no clear line between, "Well, you get knocked…it's not a video game. You get knocked on the head one more time, and all of a sudden, you're a huge, raging asshole with mental problems!"

Maddox: Well, it's more…it's like…(stammers) it's something that accumulates over time, right? It's an aggregate effect where if you get a lot of concussions, then these problems start to develop.

Dick: Yeah. Then you get…

Maddox: (interjects) 'Cause everyone's had, like, one or two concussions.

Dick: Yes. I got stats on that, too. Hold on. 2.5 million people a year. Uh…are associated with traumatic brain injury, which is, like, a superset. Er, a subset of concussions.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You get a concussion, it's not necessarily…it is…I forget which one it is.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Traumatic brain injury…yeah, you got hit in the head.

Maddox: That would be a subset.

Dick: You fell over.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're trying to…trying to kill the third Death Star. You're Han Solo. You tripped, like an old man. You fell over, you hurt your head. You're a little kid, you can't walk around…you get assaulted. Somebody throws a beer bottle.

Maddox: You're shooting a pig out of a helicopter, you fall out!

Dick: Exactly.

Maddox: Concussion time.

Dick: Big problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Here is the…so, you can get, um…chronic traumatic encephalopathy. That's what all the NFL guys are getting.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? Uh…originally called Punch Drunk Syndrome. Nobody's investigat…nobody needs to investigate that for boxing, by the way.

Maddox: They do. They have. That's why boxing regulation has, uh…they started limiting the number of rounds, 'cause boxing used to go on for, what, like, 20 rounds or something like that?

Dick: Go on for days.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, they limited it.

Sean: No, infinitely.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: In the first…yeah. They'd go 100 rounds. It was 'til somebody couldn't get up.

Maddox: Right. And so that's when…like, people…they noticed that, like, there's some serious injury going on after, like, so many rounds. Then they tried to limit it to now, what, 12 rounds?

Dick: Am I…yeah. Am I off base in thinking that…like, am I giving people too much credit when I think, "How the hell did nobody think this would affect their health?" Like, what do you want? You're getting paid millions…this is why you get the money!

Maddox: Well, the NFL has been shown to suppress, uh…suppress data that shows that their players have been suffering from traumatic brain injury, and things like that. Because the NFL knows that the next thing is regulation or pressure. Public…public pressure to, uh…to make the game safer. Which is gonna make it less interesting!

Dick: So, do you think people just don't wanna HEAR about the effects of concussions, or are they actually don't know? Do you think they actually could look at what's happening in a football game and think, "Well, who knows if there's brain damage going on. I don't know!" Could go either way on that!

Maddox: No. No. They know. It's like the tobacco industry.

Sean: I think some people don't know, uh…how far it goes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Like, CTE is a relatively new diagnosis, and the person has to be dead to diagnose it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, death is the worst diagnosis! You don't want, either. Death is way worse than CTE.

Dick: An incorrect diagnosis of death would be the worst possible diagnosis. (background laughter) Yeah. Second only to, uh…first over…right over pregnancy. That's probably the worst diagnosis of all. 33% of sports concussions happen at practice.

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: Stop practicing. (Maddox and background laugh)

Maddox: There you go. Great.

Dick: Let's everybody stop practicing! What, practicing is a way of cheating, isn't it?

Maddox: No.

Dick: In your worldview? I would think that…you just show up, and whatever you got on game day, that's what you are!!

Maddox: No…(laughing)

Dick: Whether you're sixth, or first, or you're the coach's kids, practicing is just another form of steroids!!

Maddox: If that's what…it all comes down to expectations! If you have the expectations that the person you're going up against isn't going to practice, then yes, practicing would be cheating. But if…everybody goes to play…(Dick giggles) football games with the expectation of having practiced.

Dick: Okay, so Rocky IV, Ivan Drago was cheating.

Maddox: Well, he was taking steroids, yeah.

Dick: But he was also practicing, and he knew Rocky didn't have a practice facility.

Maddox: Rocky was also practicing. He was running through the snow and dragging boulders.

Dick: He had to jerry-rig that stuff, though. (Maddox laughs) He had to A Team it. They put him there on purpose to screw him over.

Maddox: Yeah. That makes him smarter.

Dick: Yeah. Alright. That's…that's why it's a big problem.

Maddox: Yeah, um…

Dick: Kids are getting beat up by it, man. Kids…kids are…they can get amnesia.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's the last thing we want. Amnesia?

Maddox: Well, kids can't remember shit anyway. They're dumb!

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Kids can't remember shit! I talked to a kid. He forgets what I'm saying halfway through the sentence.

Dick: No.

Maddox: Stupid kid. Their brains have been rattled too much. They need a…they need to bake a little bit more. Their head needs to get harder.

Dick: 1 in 5 high school student athletes will sustain a sports concussion during the season. 1 in 5! That's way more than are home schooled! And you thought home schooling was a big problem for child development! How about beating their heads around?

Maddox: Yeah, I dunno. One is, uh…one is…one is physical abuse and one is psychological. Home schooling…(laughs) home schooling is psyc…like, letting a kid do whatever they want and letting them think that they're the king of the castle and they can eat Froot Loops in bed and play Minecraft, uh, for four hours a day, and then deign to do a homework assignment? That's worse than a concussion!

Sean: (in background) MOM! SOUP!!!

Maddox: Shut up, Sean! (they all laugh) She brought me the soup voluntarily! That's what it was. I was just sitting down there.

Dick: God, you should run North Korea. (Maddox laughs) If that's your version of volunteering.

Maddox: What?!

Dick: You screaming at someone until they bring you soup?! (background laughter)

Maddox: Nooooo! She would…(they all laugh) I didn't scream until she brought me…(stammers) she would…she would LOVE to bring me soup! That was my mom's favorite thing. She would come down…(laughs) she would come downstairs with a big, steaming bowl…

Dick: I…what a woman.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Sean: It's also…

Dick: (interjects) She could get so much pleasure out of bringing a man soup.

Sean: It's also how he learned to spell.

Maddox: What?

Dick: How?

Sean: Alphabet soup.

Dick: ABCs? Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Alphabet soup? No, I never got alphabet soup. It was always weird soup.

Dick: Impulsive behavior, depression, or apathy. Short-term memory loss. I guess these are all symptoms of CTE. It's a big problem, Maddox. I know you're not on board, but…

Maddox: No, it's a problem. I…I…

Dick: (interjects) Hundreds of…hundreds of thousands of youths every year.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Getting their heads busted around.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, so…what's the solution? Like…seriously? Is it, uh…stop football?

Dick: I asked my…I asked my brother in law that, 'cause he played football in college. He played at UCLA and he played in high school. He was a big star in high school. Uh, he got injured towards the end of his high school career. Ended up marrying my sister.

Maddox: Ohh.

Dick: You know, can't win 'em all. (Maddox laughs) (Dick guffaws) Now he's got two kids. Um, he said "Taking their helmets away", which I thought was interesting. 'Cause they get those helmets on, and the helmets make it worse, 'cause the helmets are supposed to stop your skull from getting cracked.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: But you put the helmet on, you think you're invincible. You go spearing in to other dudes, bashing your head against theirs to try to kill them, and your brain still gets all the negative effects of the collisions.

Sean: They found that in college hockey versus the NHL.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: College wears full face masks, and so they go crazy. High sticks, butt ends. Everything is coming up, all the time. In the NHL, you know that a stick is gonna…you know, it's gonna lay somebody open pretty good. And everybody just…you know. You try not to high stick!

Dick: Oh, that's interesting.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: So in college they don't have all the equipment, and it's safer?

Sean: They have more equipment.

Dick: They have more equipment, sorry, sorry. Reverse.

Sean: Yeah. They wear face masks. Full masks.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Yeah…

Sean: (interjects) And so they're more careless with the sticks.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, it's counterintuitive, but I've seen this…this actually affects people who ride bicycles too, as well.

Dick: Oh, great.

Maddox: I…I read a study…(Dick cracks up) Oh, yeah. (background laughter) Oh, go on with your stupid horseshit football problem! Shithead!! What?!

Dick: Maddox, I'm trying to end football for you!! So other high school nerds can get their Computer Departments paid for!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Instead of it going to, uh…football stadiums!

Maddox: Dishonest. Disingenuous.

Dick: How is that disingenuous?! (incredulous)

Maddox: You're not…no…you love football!!! You (stammers) you would not forgo a football team in high school for a better computer programming class.

Dick: Oooh. That's a tough…there's a lot of assumptions in that question.

Maddox: N…no is the answer. No.

Dick: No, I don't know about that. The problem is, where are you gonna get a computer teacher who can teach these kids?

Maddox: W…well these days, anywhere. (stammers) It's way more prevalent today than it was way back in the day.

Dick: Farm it out to India.

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) Anyway…

Dick: Skype 'em in. Anyway. What were you gonna say about bikes?

Maddox: Uh…cyc…cyclists, uh…there was a study awhile back. So…(goofy voice) I got this email from someone a while back. It's just…all the same, tired, bullshit arguments about cyclists, like (goofy voice) (noises) "If you guys…if you guys want to be…if you guys care about your lives so much, then why don't you always wear helmets? Unnnh." But they didn't…

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause they look stupid.

Maddox: Well, they did studies, and they found that people…that cyclists, counterintuitively, who don't wear helmets are way safer cyclists.

Dick: Really?!

Maddox: Yes. And I know firsthand, 'cause this happened to me. I…I rarely wear a helmet. Sometimes I wear a helmet if I'm going to be riding at night on a…(stammers) in terrain that's unfamiliar to me, where I might actually fall or hit something.

Dick: Wait…do you wanna cut that part about you wearing a helmet? Are you sure you wanna leave that in the episode?

Maddox: What, why?

Dick: I'm just kidding. (Maddox scoffs, giggles)

Maddox: Fucking asshole. Um, so I…I rarely wear helmets, and one of the times that I did, I was riding through…I was riding with this, uh…with this mob. And I was riding through a parking lot. A parking garage. And we were all kind of pressing the button for the little gate to come up and come down so we could get through, right?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And I was just careless. I didn't even look up. Didn't even care. That was one of the few times I wore a helmet, and the thing came down and bonked me on the head, really hard. And, uh…had I not been wearing the helmet, I probably would have cracked my head open. This thing hit me so hard. But if I wasn't wearing the helmet, I also probably would have been a little bit more cautious. And they found that, um…the argument is this, essentially. If you're going to wear a helmet predicated upon the risk to your health or personal injury? People who walk should be wearing helmets, because you are WAY more likely as a pedestrian to get in an injury…a life-threatening injury than a cyclist not wearing a helmet.

Dick: Oh, that's funny.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: (giggles) I dunno. Fucking laws.

Maddox: Yeah. There should be working helmets, how about that?

Dick: There should be.

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)

Dick: Everyone should be wearing them.

Maddox: Everyone should be wearing hel…um, Dick…about the concussion thing in the NFL.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: One of my favorite Onion headlines of all time, I think happened, uh…last year after the Superbowl. It said, uh, the ticker tape confetti that they were raining down after the Superbowl victory was…made completely of shredded concussion studies.

Dick: Oh…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Concussion studies? (grins)

Maddox: Concussion studies, yeah.

Dick: I don't…I'm just shocked. Ever since this controversy started, I'm shocked that it gets any attention at all.

Maddox: What, the concussion?

Dick: It's like how the hell did anyone not know this? (giggles)

Maddox: Well, I mean people know, but now it's becoming…it's coming to the forefront. People are talking about it more.

Dick: I guess so.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it's gonna make a…it's gonna make the NFL safer. And less interesting to watch. So…

Dick: Well, that's my problem. Concussions.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 4…wait a minute…5.3 million Americans live with traumatic brain injury-related disabilities.

Maddox: Yeah, but…

Dick: (interjects) That's a lot.

Maddox: …how many of those are due to concussions?

Dick: 100%.

Maddox: (scoffs, laughs) There you go. 100%.

Dick: That's what it says.

Maddox: That's not what it says.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, yeah, Dick. I think it's a real big problem.

Dick: I dunno.

Maddox: To people. I mean, if it makes the NFL any less interesting to watch, nobody would watch it. 'Cause already, it's so fucking boring. So…that's a huge problem.

Dick: Well…(sighs) Okay. (Maddox laughs) What do you got?

Maddox: (sighs) My last problem, Dick, is Envy!

Dick: Envy.

Maddox: Envy, yeah. And jealousy. Originally, I brought it in as jealousy. I was gonna bring jealousy in as my problem.

Dick: Those are two very different things.

Maddox: Yeah, they were, and, um…most people, including myself, uh…got them conflated. Uh, as the same…as the same problem. But when I looked into it, envy…envy is…well, it's a toxic emotion. It's distinctly different from jealousy. And envy is what occurs when you desire something that someone else has, but you lack it. And jealousy occurs when something you already possess is threatened by a third person. So that's the…that's the distinction.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This is fr…according to Psychology Today. Uh, they said, "Envy is a two-person situation, whereas jealousy is a three-person situation. Envy is a reaction to lacking something. Jealousy is a reaction to the threat of losing something." So essentially what I just said. So, yeah. That's a…that's a distinction. However, they are related, and that's why I kind of, uh…lumped them in as the same problem. Or, uh…yeah, I brought them in together, rather.

Dick: Wait, is it…are they together?

Maddox: Jealousy and envy, yeah.

Dick: You're bringing in what, slash? Jealousy/envy?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhhhh, man. (disappointed) What a vote grab!

Maddox: Well. Then don't vote for it. I don't give a shit. (Sean laughs) Envy was one of the original deadly sins in Christianity. The…uh, I looked into this, like, where the concept of envy came from. Uh, the concept comes from the fourth century monk Evagrius Ponticus, who listed the eight evil thoughts in Greek. The fifth one was translated as sadness, so originally when they didn't have a word for envy, they just called it sadness. In a group of ancient texts called the Philokalia. It's a…it's an old set of texts that were written as guidelines and instructions for monks who wanted to practice a contemplative life.

Dick: Sadness.

Maddox: Yeah. The term…the term translates to "sadness at another's good fortune".

Sean: Mmm.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's a good feeling.

Maddox: Sadness…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, at another's GOOD fortune.

Maddox: At another's good…yeah. (laughs)

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: So, the opposite of schadenfreude.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Yeah. So you…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I probably experience that a couple times a day.

Maddox: Sadness at another person's good fortune?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I feel…I…I don't feel sadness. I feel annoyed sometimes, when someone's too happy around me.

Dick: Like, when someone posts on Facebook that they..

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: …just got married, or they bought a…got a car, or any kind of good news.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm like "Ah, fuck you."

Maddox: No, it's…there's one person. Uh, you know, I said I don't like to really hide or unfollow too many people on Facebook.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Uh, it's very rare when I do, but, um…one person I did was this girl I met a long time ago. Who I was gonna go out on a date with. Uh, we, like, hung out once. Didn't happen. Whatever. So then I saw her Facebook status updates. Every fucking day, "I'm so blessed." Blessed, blessed, blessed.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Oh, my friends are the best. My life is the best. I'm so fortunate. I'm so happy. Bla, bla. Just…(stammers) to the point where it almost sounded like she was trying to convince herself.

Dick: Mmm, sure.

Maddox: And I had to see this shit in my Facebook feed?! Fuck you! I hid her! I hid her forever. I haven't seen…I haven't heard from her. I don't even remember her first name. Started with an 'L'. Anyway, um…(laughs) Yeah. Uh, that shit ANNOYS me so much. When someone's a little too happy. Shut the fuck up.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This is from the book by Bertrand Russell. He wrote a book called The Conquest of Happiness. He wrote about envy. He says "Envy is one of the most potent causes of unhappiness." And, I…I think I agree with this. He says , "Envy is one of the most universal and deep-seated of human passions. It's very noticeable in children before they're a year old." They found that even children, so…social psychologists have..have, uh…there's a big debate on whether or not envy is a cultural phenomenon or whether it's…biological.

Dick: What?! There's a debate on that?!

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: How the fuck is that possible?!

Maddox: Well, there's a huge debate on it. What do you mean, how is it possible?

Dick: (stammers) They…it's…that's not just built in? You don't just, as a human, look at something, you're like "Ahh, I really want that. Fuck you."

Maddox: Well, because certain cultures…

Dick: I'm gonna take that thing.

Maddox: No. There's…there's certain cultures. Uh, they found the prevalence of envy and jealous is WAY less than in others. There's this video where Jimmy Kimmel does this prank every year. Where he has parents pretend like they ate all the kids' candy, and then, you know, record the kids' reactions.

Dick: Oh, yeah, it's funny.

Maddox: Yeah. And…and the reactions are all over the map. Some of 'em are super angry. Some of 'em are aggressive and hostile.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Some of 'em are just sad. And then some of 'em kind of have, like, this really weird, warm compassion, saying, "It's okay." (Dick laughs) And they immediately…they immediately forgive their parents.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That, like…you know. That, like, sweetness and tenderness versus the anger and hostility.

Dick: Which would you be?

Maddox: Um, if you want to…

Dick: Which one would you be?

Maddox: Uh…(stammers) I'd probably be sad.

Dick: If they ate your candy.

Maddox: If I was gonna be honest, I'd probably be sad. I'd…and you know, I'd be sad, and also, I'd…(stammers) I'd just, uh…draw another line in the wall, yeah, there's another one. Of course. Of course you ate my candy.

Dick: Oh, so you'd be…

Maddox: Defeatist.

Dick: Aggressive in, like, a manipulative way. Like, here's all the fuckups…(Maddox laughs) eating my candy, there's one!! There's one.

Maddox: No, it's not manipulative!

Sean: One day I'm gonna start a podcast! (they laugh)

Dick: I'm gonna talk about this time.

Sean: Gonna air the grievances. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: No, it's…it's more like, "I saw it coming. Of course." You know, like a…

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Like, yeah.

Dick: You're disappointed.

Maddox: Disappointed. That's what I would be. Very disappointed. Heavy handedly disappointed.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Anyway, man.. yeah. There's a lot of debate about this.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: The very slightest appearance of favoring one child at the expense of another is instantly observed and resented in children.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: This is, uh…from the book. It says, "Distributive justice, absolute, rigid, and unvarying, must be observed by anyone who has children to deal with. But children are only slightly more open to the expressions of envy and of jealousy, which is a special form of envy, than are grown-up people. The emotion is just as prevalent among adults as among children." So the perception of justice that is doled out unevenly.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Creates envy and jealousy.

Dick: Lemme shorten that for ya. Uh…who's heard this? "Why did you like that bitch's status on Facebook? Nyahnyahnyahnyah." (Maddox laughs) (sighs) Uhhh, fuck you.

Maddox: Uh, this is from "". There's a publication…uh, it's, uh…sex differences and jealousy in couple relationships. And, uh…this…this talks about jealousy specifically. Yeah.

Dick: Oooh. Who wins?

Maddox: Well, uh… "…evolutionary psychologists have distinguished between two kinds of jealousy, sexual and emotional. Sexual jealousy is evoked by the perceived threat concerning a partner's sexual infidelity, whereas emotional jealousy arises from the perceived threat of a partner's emotional infidelity. Sexual jealousy is reportedly more common in men than in women, and across a wide variety of cultures, men are more likely than women to divorce partners who are sexually unfaithful, and even to batter and kill such partners." That's why it's a big problem.

Dick: Men are more willing to do that?

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: In other words…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I would think that.

Sean: D'uh.

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox giggles) Seems pretty obvious.

Maddox: Well, yeah, but it's a big problem. Like, that…that in itself is a big problem. And men are way more likely…

Dick: Wait, which part?

Maddox: Well, the se…

Dick: (interjects) The jealousy, or the…

Maddox: The battery and killing. (giggles) That's a big problem.

Dick: What about the cheating?!

Maddox: Well, the cheating's a problem, of course, but…(stammers) on the scale of things, if someone cheats on you, you don't…you're not justified in killing them!

Dick: Oh, that's a good point.

Maddox: (scoffs) Thank you.

Dick: Well, you know. There's probably a debate about that, too.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Thank!! (background laughter) So, the reason there is a debate on whether or not it's biological or it's cultural…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Is because the argument that, uh…that biologists have made…uh, like, anthropologists and people of that nature, is that…there is a reproductive advantage to men who are jealous sexually of their women. Like, sexual infidelity? Whereas women…they argue…have a biological imperative to be jealous of men who are emotionally unfaithful.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Because if their…if men are emotionally unfaithful, they're going to be less likely to provide for the women.

Dick: Presents.

Maddox: That's the argument that they make.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. So anyway. That's why there's that debate. Uh, "Envy is often a sign of narcissistic personality disorder." Did you know this?

Dick: Nope.

Maddox: Yeah. This is interesting. Uh, this is from Wikipedia, on envy. It says, "Individuals with narcissistic personality disorder are often envious of others or believe that others are envious of them. A narcissist may secure a sense of superiority in the face of another person's ability to use contempt to minimize the other person."

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Yeah. (stammers) It's kind of a way that narcissists kind of, uh…look at another person and write them off, and minimize them. By being envious of them.

Dick: Have you ever been envious of anything?

Maddox: Uh, yeah, I have.

Dick: Like, if anyone had, like, beautiful hair.

Maddox: No!

Dick: And you're like, "Ah, fuck that guy and his hair." (background laughter)

Maddox: No, dickhead. (Dick giggles) Um, in Hinduism, envy is considered a disastrous emotion. This is a real big one in Hinduism. Hinduism maintains that anything which causes the mind to lose balance with itself leads to misery. Uh, and a lot of the…a lot of that stems from desire. Like, want is sadness.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who…(stammers) that's a Dalai Lama quote, isn't it?

Dick: Specifically? That's, like, the oldest Buddhist thing ever.

Maddox: It's paraphrased.

Dick: That desire is…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: …the root of pain.

Maddox: Desire is the root of sadness.

Dick: Siddhartha?

Maddox: Yeah. Envy leads to anger, which leads to aggression. This is a huge…

Dick: (interjects) Can you do that in a Yoda voice?

Maddox: This is why it's a huge problem. Wha? (giggles)

Dick: (Yoda imitation) Envy…anger to leads. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Well, uh…

Dick: Fuck Yoda, though.

Maddox: Yeah. You're such a hater! Star Wars hater. Anyway, um. This is, uh…this goes back. I…I just have this quote from, uh…William Shakespeare. Um, I think he was a writer. (giggles) From Julius Caesar. He says, uh…this is a quote from ,uh, yeah. Julius Caesar. It says,

"Why, man, he doth bestride the narrow world

Like a Colossus, and we petty men

Walk under his huge legs and peep about

To find ourselves dishonorable graves."

Dick: Mmmm.

Maddox: That was a statement about the jealousy. And that led…in the story, to a murder. This always…like, the…the final outcome from all these stories in antiquity and literature is murder. When…when people become envious of others.

Dick: Yeah, sure. Isn't it…isn't there a good side of envy? Like, if you're seeing a guy playing guitar and getting all this attention, and you're like, "Fuck, I want that. I'm gonna go do what this guy's doing."

Maddox: It could be.

Dick: Or, like, Maddox gets all this attention from chicks. I'm gonna go buy one of his shirts, so I can be more like him.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And get some attention.

Maddox: It could be, if you have a healthy approach towards that. Like, if you…if you envy somebody's stature. And you try to become more like them, without trying to also destroy them, then that's a healthy way about it.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: If you are inspired, then, that's not called envy, that's called inspiration.

Dick: Well, you gotta destroy 'em. There can only be one.

Maddox: No. (laughs) (background laughter) No, dickhead.

Dick: Yeah. What are you supposed to…how are you supposed to know you became them, unless you destroy them?

Maddox: No…(giggles) You're not supposed to…

Dick: (interjects) That doesn't make any sense. What you're saying logically doesn't make any sense.

Maddox: You're not supposed to. You can coexist. I…I've actually dealt with this with a lot of fans over the years. So, um…

Dick: Whoa.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like…like Misery level?

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Kathy Bates? Really?!

Maddox: Oh, for sure. Yeah. For sure. There's been some REALLY creepy shit…

Dick: What happened?

Maddox: …that's happened to me in the past, which I won't even go into right now.

Dick: OHHHHHHHHHH! Come ONNNNNNN!!! (disappointed) That's fascinating!

Maddox: Nooo. The episode's gone way too long, but uh…

Dick: Ahhhhhh!!! (growls)

Maddox: I'll hint at it. I'll talk about it some other time. But, uh…yeah. Some fans who've been trying to bite my style for years.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: They're…they're basically….there are basically two kinds. There's ones who are trying to BE me.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And they are doing it in a really fucked up, wrong way. Like, they don't understand what I'm about, so they…do it in the way that they think, which is WAY off base.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Um, and they…if they don't get the same success that I do? They resent ME for it.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: And then there's the type that tries to do what I do, doesn't quite get it, but then they discover their own voice, and they start their own career, and I've gotten so many emails from writers over the years, who've said, "Hey man, you inspired me to become a writer. I tried to be like you back in the day, and I…I did essentially what you just said, which is…"

Dick: (interjects) Yeah. Inspiration and envy. Two sides of the same coin, I think. A little bit.

Maddox: Uh…could be. But you could also be inspired by nature, which you don't envy. Although I do have contempt for.

Dick: I do envy nature. Sitting there all day with no conc…no cares in the world.

Maddox: Yeah? With the assholes buzzing about in helicopters trying to kill the pigs?

Dick: Yeah. Mhmm. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Anyway. That's my problem, man.

Dick: Alright. I do wanna hear what you were envious of. Was it a computer?

Maddox: No, um…most of the envy I've experienced was…was when I was younger. Uh, when I was younger, and I saw…you know. I grew up in a lower middle income household, so I didn't have a lot of things. And so, when I grew up seeing a lot of the kids around me being way more affluent and having a lot more than I did, part of me became envious of that.

Dick: Hmm!

Maddox: But I didn't want to destroy it. I want…(stammers) I think more…more along what you said. At the time, I wanted to have that as well, and I aspired to have it. Uh, and then over the course of my life, that's changed. My priorities and goals have changed, so…uh, right now all I really live for is experiences. I don't care about things that much.

Dick: Oh, boy.

Maddox: But anyway, man. That's my problem.

Dick: How about jealousy? Jealous…jealous guy with girls?

Maddox: Rarely. In fact…

Dick: Rarely?

Maddox: …it was a point of contention with, uh…one of my relationships, where…

Dick: (interjects) You were jealous, or she was jealous?

Maddox: No, no. Uh, neither. Well, she was jealous for sure.

Dick: Oh, nobody was jealous.

Maddox: She was…

Sean: She wanted you to be jealous.

Maddox: She wanted me to be jealous, Sean!!

Dick: YEAH! Isn't that CRAZY?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But I was…I RARELY ever get jealous, and she…it upset her. And she actually confessed to me one night. She said, "Hey, um…it really bothers me that you're not jealous."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "When other guys flirt with me, or whatever." And I was like, "Yeah, well, I dunno. I just am. I'm real secure."

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: So. Yeah, uh…that's…that's…

Dick: (interjects) It's them. It's their fault. If you're jealous or not. They bring it outta you. Some girls really…really work it outta you.

Maddox: No. (giggles)

Dick: And others don't.

Maddox: No. If they're…trying, of course, anyone could do it.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: If they're TRYING. Uh, but then they're just shitty people, trying to upset someone. But anyway…uh, so my problems this week..

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: …were the Filter Bubble and Jealousy/Envy.

Dick: My problems are Spending Too Much on Christmas Presents…and Concussions. See you next Tuesday.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Dick, what happened to you, man? You used to be cool. (Maddox and Sean laughs) I have this retard cousin who's home schooled. (Dick and Maddox laugh) And she can't even fathom that I'm not religious because that's all that she has ever seen in her life."

Dick: Yeah, that sucks.

Maddox: Yeah.

"All that she does is go…learn from a bunch of other Christian fucks."

Dick: Yeah.

"And all these teachers that God is everything."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like Isaac Newton.

"And then she asks me about public school. I told her that they don't teach the Bible. She was shocked! I then asked her if she was aware that I'm not religious…"

(Dick guffaws)

"And the idea of someone not being religious wasn't even something that she could comprehend. How can you defend an institute…"

(Maddox and Dick giggle)

"That fucking produces such goddamn morons?!" (Dick and Maddox crack up)

(Sound effect: Ding!)

"I thought your book was real good."

Dick: Aw, thanks.

"But now I'm not too sure about you."

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick and Sean laugh)

"Dick, go fuck yourself.")

Maddox: Yeah, Dick.

Dick: Wait, which is the system that produces the morons?

Maddox: (stammers) Home schools.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I was confused.

(they talk over each other, inaudible)

Dick: How could I…(laughing)

Maddox: Dick, of all people, is confused about the institute that produces morons. Uh, Dick, you know who else home schools?

Dick: I mean, the Bible has as good of stories as, like, the stories they make you read.

Maddox: Oh, great.

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Dick: Where the Red Fern Grows?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like that's any better than, like, Samson and, uh…whatever.

Maddox: Comparable.

Dick: The giant was?

Maddox: Very comparable. Yeah. We should all read the Bible in schools.

Dick: Or David and Goliath.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's a good story.

Maddox: (goofy voice) Oh, okay.

Dick: That's as good as, like, uh…Call of The Wild.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, why do I have to read Call of the Wild? Like that's better than, you know, Jesus teaching all the things you teach? That's it, they're horning in on your game here.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: With your tolerance and whatever else.

Maddox: No.

Dick: You were saying on the bonus episode.

Maddox: You know who else home schools, Dick? ISIS.

Dick: Do they?

Maddox: Mhmm. Yeah, man. That's all they're reading is the Quran all fucking day! They're not being taught critical thinking!

Dick: You know what?

Maddox: They're sure as shit not being taught about our values and our ways of life! Or liberty or democracy or any Western philosophies or principles that…that prevent terrorism! Yeah. ISIS is also being home schooled.

Dick: And they're achieving their goals.

Maddox: No, they're not.

Dick: Well, that's…

Maddox: If their goals are to get SCUD missiles shoved up their asses, yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (giggles) That probably is one of their goals.

Maddox: Okay! (Dick laughs) Bunch of pussies.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Nothing good but grades come from home schooling. If you wanna turn your daughter into a whore…"

(they both laugh)

"Or your son into a killer."

Maddox: Yep.

"Home school that motherfucker."

Maddox: That's a fact.

"'Cause that's what you'll get. Nothing's weirder than home schooling."

(Dick cackles)

Maddox: That's the fucking truth.

"It's like being locked in a closet. (long pause) It's just like being locked in a closet. That's the end of that fucking statement."

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

"Vote it up, bitch!!!")

Maddox: Yeah, thank you, weird Matthew McConaughey.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: What time did that one come in?

Dick: Oh, I didn't mark that one down.

Sean: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah, man. Uh, weird Matthew McConaughey is against you on the home schooling.

Dick: There's a lot of votes here…uh, voice mails. I just wanna compile them and put them up somewhere. There's too many to play.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) I thought it was really interesting last time, Dick, that you…you asked for…evidence that home schoolers are weird.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And not socialized properly. Are you seriously asking for evidence that…

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: …someone who has no experience being socialized in social situations is not gonna be good at it? Well, there's the evidence.

Dick: No, I would like a guy who tells stand-up comedy while he's dressed as the Green Lantern and a guy who makes all of his Halloween costumes to please explain to me what is a weirdo. (background giggle) That's what I would like.

Maddox: What are you talking about?

Dick: I would like two comedians to tell me what well-adjusted even means.

Maddox: What does that have to do with anything?

Dick: That you guys are saying home schooled kids are weird.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: You're WEIRD AS FUCK! BOTH OF YOU ARE WEIRD! (background laughter)

Maddox: Well, yeah, sure. But, uh…in different ways. I'm talking about, like, in social situations. I know not to do certain things in social…I'm not gonna show up to my first day of school with duct tape and a pink backpack and dressed as Sonic the Hedgehog.

Dick: What's wrong with that!? (giggles) (Maddox cracks) He doesn't wear the right clothes for you!? (incredulous)

Maddox: Ehhh, Dick…(giggles)

(file cuts off)