Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 76

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Most Intrusivest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Big Government to Intrusive Government. (Dick laughs)

Dick: (laughing) Why don't we discuss Straw Men to Shitty Analogies?

Maddox: With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. Oh, I'm sorry. The intrusive list of the problems. (grins)

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I am Maddox. With me is Dick. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. (grins)

Sean: Hello!

Maddox: Ahh. Welcome back, gentlemen.

Dick: How you doin', Maddox?

Maddox: Ahh.

Dick: How you doin'?

Maddox: I'm doing great.

(Titanic theme starts)

Maddox: I also…(Dick cracks up) You know what? Fuck you!! No.

Dick: What? Fuck you, what? I'll stop it. I'll stop it.

Maddox: Uh, we have with us a very special guest. Back with us, in studio, is Roger Barr! He was on last year for Halloween. Welcome back, Roger!

(Sound effect: Applause)

Maddox: It's been about a year.

Roger: Thanks. Yeah. Yeah, I think we were talking about Halloween stuff last time.

Maddox: This is our big Halloween episode.

Dick: It's a tradition, you guys!

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: There you go! Alright.

Dick: Roger comes on and talks about Halloween, his favorite season of the year.

Roger: Yeah. It's the only time of the year I actually emerge, so I just dig my way out of the grave and come here.

Maddox: And Roger…Roger's like the foremost authority on Halloween on the Internet.

Roger: Thank you.

Maddox: Uh, if you search anything Halloween-related…by the way, Roger, like, two or three times a month, someone will send me a link to your website, not knowing that we're friends. (Roger laughs) And they're like, "Hey, check this out!" and I'm like, "Yeah, that's my buddy Roger."

Roger: Ahh, cool.

Maddox: "He's…he's the guy." If you search for anything related to, like, horror movies, your site's probably gonna be the first that comes up. One of my favorite articles that you've ever written…

Dick: What is…what is your site? http://www.i-mockery.com? That's "I" dash "mockery" dot com?

Roger: I-hypen-mockery dot com, yep.

Maddox: Yeah. We'll link to it on the website. One of my favorite things you've ever done is the, uh…your favorite kills of Jason Vorhees?

Roger: Oh, yeah. Yeah, that one…uh, that one spread around quite a bit. I did Jason's 10 best kills, Michael Myers' 10 best kills, and Freddie's best kills. I gotta do Pinhead or Leprechaun or something sometime.

Maddox: Oh, man, Pinhead is gr…so, Roger's been, like, raving about Hellraiser for years. And I finally saw Hellraiser.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: And that movie is SO good. It's so underrated.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: I think…I mean, it's famous and everything, but still. It's really g…it's really spooky. It's really creepy. Really well done. Good story.

Roger: If you like Hellraiser, you should check out Candy Man, as well. That's another classic that just does NOT get enough attention.

Maddox: I've heard, and I've seen clips, but I just don't like the guy who stars in it.

Roger: Tony Todd?

Maddox: Wait, which one is he…the guy who barfs out the bees and stuff.

Roger: Tony Todd, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, I dunno. (unsure)

Roger: He's more well known these days for, like, the Final Destination movies and all, but, no, he's great.

Maddox: Yeah, well, speaking of great.

Dick: I don't like horror movies.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Why don't you like horror movies, Dick?

Dick: No. I don't like being scared. (Maddox laughs) I don't know why you WOULD enjoy being scared. That's a silly thing to me.

Roger: Thank you, thank you Buzzkill McDougall.

Maddox: Yeah. Buzzkill McDougall. Speaking of…

Dick: Do you need a hug? (laughs)

Maddox: Do I…do I need a hug?

Dick: Yeah. You got destroyed in the comments last week.

Maddox: Alright.

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Maddox: Biggest problem from last week was Burnt Popcorn!! (laughing)

Dick: Oh, yeah. (Roger laughs) That's not the whole story, though.

Maddox: Roger. People…I dunno. They got a sudden, uh…lapse of judgment, and they just voted up Burnt Popcorn when the other problems…

Dick: No, no, no.

Maddox: …that I brought in…

Dick: No.

Maddox: Were…

Roger: Let's hear 'em.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Well, you think burnt popcorn is a big problem, right?

Roger: Uh…not as bad as whatever's in this bowl right here, uh…(he shakes the bowl) that's kinda nasty.

Maddox: Yeah. You know what, Roger?

Dick: Those are the snacks that…

Maddox: You don't like…you're the last person to talk about food. I swear to God. We won't…that's a whole separate…

Roger: (interjects) Not during Halloween! Not during Halloween season!

Maddox: Well, alright. That's…that's true. You got a big bucket of candy in front of you, eat that.

Roger: Which you brought me.

Dick: Why…why is that? Why is he the last person to talk about food?

Maddox: Oh. This'll be a whole fucking episode! (Roger and Dick laugh) We gotta bring in Roger about his whole fucked up…weird…

Dick: (interjects) Like what? Like what?

Roger: (interjects) Actually, let's dedicate an episode to that. I will gladly talk to you about that.

Dick: It's better than what we've been dedicating episodes to in the last couple of weeks. (they all laugh)

Maddox: Uh, yeah. Roger's weird food thing. He doesn't eat anything. Alright, guys. Um…

Roger: (interjects) All I remember is the last time I was on, you could barely even talk because we got you to eat some of your hot sauce and all, so…

Maddox: Ah, I was talkin' just fine!

Roger: Yeah…(imitates Maddox drooling and eating hot sauce) you talked like this the whole time!"

Maddox: Fuck you, Roger!

Dick: That is how he talked!

Maddox: You know what? I'm tired of Roger already! (Dick cracks up)

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Maddox: Sean, delete Roger's track! We don't need this. We'll just improvise.

Dick: Hohoho. Speaking of things that should be deleted…(Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, so. So…Roger, burnt popcorn came in, 'cause our listeners had a lapse of judgment.

Dick: Big problem.

Roger: Okay.

Maddox: Compared to…this was my problem last week. Libertarian Theory. (Dick cracks up) Which got trounced…which got trounced in the vote. (Roger groans) and then followed by my second problem, which was related, The Concept of a Home Owner's Association As The Perfect Representation of a Libertarian Government Which Dick Insists It's Not So Vote It Down.

Dick: (laughs) It's not.

Roger: I fell asleep halfway through that description.

Maddox: Great.

Roger: It was so long.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Well, people must have fallen asleep on the downvote button, cause it's…(they all crack up) It is WAY down.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Like, dropping a diamond off the Titanic down.

Maddox: Oh. I wouldn't know about that.

Roger: What's…what's the score on it?

Dick: So..lemme ask you something, Roger. Before we get into this.

Roger: Alright.

Dick: What…in a tweet, what do you think a Libertarian is? Like, if you had to describe the very basics of, like, libertarian theory, what might you say that it is?

Roger: I would say I don't give a shit.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's the correct answer.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. The correct answer.

Dick: But, do you hate them? Are you annoyed by them?

Roger: No. I don't hate anyone. I don't care about that stuff. Yeah, whatever.

Dick: Okay. Alright.

Maddox: Roger, you pacifist fuck.

Dick: Yeah. Thanks for playing along.

Roger: I…I don't…I don't…

Dick: (interjects) Great…great job.

Roger: I don't care about politics.

Dick: http://www.i-mockery.com . (they crack up)

Roger: I don't care about politics. There you go. There you go.

Maddox: Roger…smart answer. That's a smart answer.

Roger: I just don't care about politics.

Maddox: Well, you know who does, Roger. Apparently, every fucking listener to the show does.

Dick: Oh, yeah!!! (laughing)

Roger: Okay, well…

Dick: You wanna hear…lemme play this voice mail first for you.

Maddox: Okay. Then I got some comments.

Dick: These people agree with Roger.

(Voice mail: male voice: (yelling) No one gives a fucking shit…

Roger: Thank you!! (Maddox and Dick laugh)

"…about your political views! Shut your goddamn MOUUUUUUTHS!!") (they all laugh)

(Voice mail: male voice: (yelling) "Oh my fucking Jod! Shut the FUCK up!!")

Maddox: Is this the same guy?

Roger: This is the same guy, right?

Dick: I think it's a different guy. I don't know. (Maddox laughs) A lot of people were shouting.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Maddox, suck a dick." (Maddox and Dick laugh) "Suck all the dicks in the world. (loses it and laughs) Goddamn it." (they laugh more in response)

Maddox: What a bunch of…

"(imitates Maddox's goofy voice) "Uhhh, this is Maddox… (Sean and Dick crack up)

Maddox: Okay.

"…all my fans are IDIOTS. They don't even know what a libertarian even is. I totally brought in the best examples and they totally weren't the complete fucking opposite of libertarianism. (Dick guffaws) Like, housing associations. Unhhhh. Unhhh. (Maddox laughs) Idiots. Unhhh. Dipshits. Unhhh. (Maddox sighs)" )

Dick: Okay. Roger, you know what a…you know what a homeowner's association is, though, right?

Roger: Yes.

Dick: Okay, great.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Yeah. But I'm not a homeowner, so I don't care about that either, really.

Dick: Okay.

Roger: But I could see how, like, if you're a homeowner, that kind of stuff could piss someone off, but…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause they're intrusive.

Roger: Right.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (Dick laughs) They're big…homeowner's are Big Government. That's what homeowners are, Roger, they're big.

Roger: Look. I would…I would think…

Sean: (interjects) Would you stop with the absolute (inaudible because Dick is laughing so loud)?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: I would think, if you're, you know…presenting a problem…(Dick still laughing) you want something that most people can relate to.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: That you can upvote, so…

Dick: Yeah. (laughs)

Roger: There you go. Popcorn…burnt popcorn wins, clearly!

Maddox: That was a protest vote! You know what? I don't give a shit.

Dick: You know what? I got one without even using any cat memes. (Sean cracks up) That's pretty good! (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: You mentioned a cat meme, like, several episodes…you brought in CUTE as a solution, fuckface! (Dick still laughing) In the solutions episode. You brought in CUTENESS.

Dick: What was your comment?

Maddox: I got a comment from Jordan Scott Ling. He says, "Since you guys are having Roger Barr on again, you can't forget to mention this time that he did that Doc Mock's Movie Mausoleum Show!"

Roger: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Oh, yeah. That was great.

Maddox: He says, "I remember Maddox was a guest on there. Plus, I didn't find out 'til rewatching that someone called Dick Masterson did some music for it, too."

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: That's right, Dick and I did the song together. Uh, we had a great time writing it. And Sean recorded us.

Maddox: And for those who don't know, Doc Mock's Movie Mausoleum was you in your mausoleum…professor, I'm sorry, it's Doc Mock. Doc Mock.

Roger: Yeah. (gravelly voice) I earned my doctorate, Maddox! Let's…use my proper name!

Dick: Well, he is a professor.

Maddox: Yeah, I am a professor. And you're a doctor.

Roger: (continues voice) Alright, well, I'm a doctor, absolutely.

Dick: There you go. I got a PhDeez Nuts. (they laugh)

Maddox: Ugh, okay.

Roger: Uh…

Dick: In Swag. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaah. (laughs)

Roger: (continues gruff voice) Doc Mock's Movie Mausoleum was basically a show where we'd uh…bring in comedians and other funny people and we'd just watch a bunch of B movies together and improvise and uh..talk about 'em.

Dick: Huh.

Roger: It was great.

Maddox: It's so funny, yeah.

Dick: Well, here's a comedian from the comments. Chandler Spruelli, "Maddox makes me wish the Armenian genocide actually happened." (Dick and Roger crack up)

Maddox: You know what?! That's fucking hate speech!

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: That's just straight up fucking hate speech!!

(Sound effect: Booing)

Dick: This is about the libertarian problem.

Maddox: Fuck that guy! What an asshole. I don't give a shit! You know what? Fuck that guy! (Dick giggles) Oh, that's the guy who's defending your political theory, dickface!

Dick: Ray Woods, "Jesus, I think this episode gave me cerebral palsy."

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (Dick guffaws) Gave him. I'm sure he didn't have it before, defending your shit argument.

Dick: Cameron Clark, "Rest in peace, Maddox. Murdered on his own podcast. How tragic."

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs) I got one from Matt Byrd. He says, "Normally, Maddox is the voice of logic and reason, but Dick, you need to stand up and punch Maddox in the back of the fucking head over his libertarian theory argument." Jonathan Cena , though. Jonathan Cena.

Roger: The wrestler.

Maddox: Big fan. Yeah, the wrestler.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Big fan of the show. (Roger giggles) He says, "Inb4 libertarians try to defend their completely theoretical ideology with absolutely no real-world examples…"

Dick: Oh, okay. Come on.

Maddox: "Who knew that less than 1%..."

Roger: (interjects) Whoooooo caaaaaaaares? (Dick laughs)

Maddox: "Who knew that less than 1% of the population based on the last election comprised most of the show's fanbase."

Roger: I'm gonna go get a drink if you guys want anything while he's…

Dick: It's a philosophy!! It's a philosophy.

Maddox: Oh, yeah! (giggles) It's a real philosophy. A regular "Saw-crates".

Dick: No, no, no. Listen, listen, listen. Lemme explain it to you so you don't go around giving people cerebral palsy all the time, spouting this stuff. Um, it's…you've got left and right, right? Political ideas? On the left, it's…it tends towards socialism on the very left, on the right, it tends towards conservatism, right? (Maddox grunts) But imagine it as a grid. As a two-dimensional grid.

Maddox: I've seen it.

Dick: At the top…yeah! You know what I'm talking about, then.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: At the top, you got libertarian, at the bottom, you got authoritarian.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can be all over that grid.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But if you do stuff like enact a wage law, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Let's make sure women all get paid the same. Let's make it a law.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That's more authoritarian than it is libertarian.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: That's all it is.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: It's very simple.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: More libertarian is "give people the right to do business themselves"

Sean: Don't…don't do that. That's how you got…

Dick: (interjects) That's how you got voted down, the smug, condescending shit!

Sean: It's the smug shit! (Maddox laughs) That was a punitive vote that happened.

Maddox: Oh, I know! It was a…it was a protest vote for burnt popcorn. I got a comment here, though. I think one person kinda got it. 'Cause um…I'll tell you why.

Dick: Kinda got what?

Maddox: I'll tell you…he kinda got where my…

Sean: (interjects) Well, who's the one?

Maddox: What my…well, lemme read this. It's Michael Benhurry. He says, "You fucking idiots are so dumb with your comments at Maddox about libertarian theory. He is purposefully provoking you dimwits because your bullshit…"

Dick: (interjects) No, he's not! (cracks up)

Maddox: "…is well known" lemme read this.

Sean: (interjects) Do NOT double down on dumb.

Maddox: No, hold on, Sean. "Your bullshit is well-known to be the height of ignorant lunacy, same with the idiot Smash Brother players and Vegans. He doesn't have to make a good argument when your frothing neckbeards will make the point for him." You know what guys, after that…

Dick: (interjects) Doubling down.

Maddox: That episode. I brought in libertarian theory, and I was kinda, like, goofing off, and fucking around, 'cause I didn't think anyone took it seriously. Like, and then I was so…I was blown away at the amount of people who seriously believe that libertarian theory is a thing.

Dick: You're totally trying to make it seem like you were not taking that seriously, when you very much were.

Sean: I believe none of this.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Okay, well…I…

Dick: (interjects) This is all bullshit.

Roger: I've never seen you not take anything…

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: You take APPLES seriously.

Sean: Right.

Maddox: That's cause I know my shit about apples! (Dick cracks up)

Roger: There we go! Proof, right there.

Maddox: Yeah, of course. I take some things ser…but no. Libertarian theory, I thought…

Roger: (interjects) What's the best kind of apple?

Maddox: I didn't have to bring in, uh…

Roger: (interjects) What's the best kind of apple?

Maddox: I don't…my favorite is Rome. It's not the best in terms of nutrition.

Roger: Wrong. It's apple cider.

Dick: He's trying to…yeah. He's trying to say that Red Delicious apples are not mealy as fuck.

Maddox: They're not.

Dick: When we know that they're mealy as fuck.

Maddox: Naaaah, that's just…anyway. Um…I want to say what my actual problem with libertarian theory is.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: And it's just too…it boils down to these two things. I mean, it's kind of…it's kind of big, but this…if you guys want a serious argument, here…here you go.

Roger: This was a Halloween episode, right?

Dick: Yeah, 'cause you've been thinking about it for a week.

Maddox: I know. We have to respond. Yeah.

Roger: Ahh.

Dick: So now you got…now you see where you fucked up.

Maddox: We have to follow up. Yeah, we have to follow up to this. Well, first of all. First thing everyone says when they're talking about pyramid schemes is, "It's not a pyramid scheme." And the first thing everyone says when they're talking about libertarianism is, "It's not anarchy."

Dick: It's not.

Maddox: But here's…

Sean: So are all Democrats socialists?

Maddox: No.

Sean: Are all liberals socialists?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No, of course not.

Dick: Libertarians are not anarchists.

Sean: Oh, I don't know, they tend towards socialism on the extreme!

Maddox: But…the difference is, when my liberal friends are tending towards socialism, they're open about it. And when my liberal friends are moderate, they're open about it.

Sean: (interjects) But you still have a fundamental misunderstanding between an anarchist and a libertarian.

Dick: Yeah. You do.

Maddox: Well, I'll tell you…I'll tell you why I believe that.

Dick: Like, Smurfs are not libertarians 'cause they're small.

Maddox: I'll tell you…

(Roger hums the Smurfs song)

Maddox: I'll tell you why I believe that Sean. (Dick giggles) It's uh…it's because…it's because I've never met any moderate libertarian who I can pin down with a stance on anything. And so I went to LP.org.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I was like…I did more research afterwards, and I thought, "You know, wow, everyone's kinda piling on. Maybe I got something wrong." (Dick sighs) so I clicked on the link.

Dick: Oh, wow.

Maddox: I clicked on the link that said "Libertarian Solutions".

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it said, "Here's a bunch of libertarian solutions." And the page was empty. (laughs)

Dick: Maddox, that pages is full of videos. There's like 20 videos.

Maddox: Yeah, I don't see anything.

Dick: Yeah but you can't use Dropbox! Or self-checkout lanes!

Maddox: Oookay.

Dick: You can't use fucking computers! Go to that page on any computer that's not your Frankensteined piece of shit! (Roger laughs) that took you two months to build! It's full of videos! Granted…they're not great videos.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: Like, the production quality kinda sucks, but it is very much full of libertarian solutions!!

Roger: What I love…what I love, is whenever I'm asking you what you've been up to and stuff, you're like "Oh man, I've been so busy, I'm working and stuff." This is actually the stuff you're doing. (Dick cackles) This is what you're doing with your time.

Dick: Trying to…escape this 500-person gangrape that he suffered in the comments last week. (grins)

Maddox: Hello Roger, my name's Maddox. This is what I do. (they all giggle) So here's my actual problem with libertarianism, okay? (Sean groans loudly)

Dick: Oh, kill me. (giggles)

Maddox: It's just two things. Two things. The…the website. This is directly from LP.org.

Dick: No, don't read it!

Maddox: I have to. I think everyone will agree with me. And if you don't, that's it. I'll never mention libertarianism again. Okay? (Sean groans)

Roger: Everyone, yeah.

Sean: Except for next week, when nobody agrees with you again!

Dick: Six hundred people shit on you again!

Roger: How many subscribers do you lose every time this happens?

Dick: We probably gain them.

Maddox: So this is straight from the website, http://www.lp.org. It says, "We recognize the freedom of individuals to determine the level of healthcare they want, the care providers they want, the medicines and treatments they will use, and all other aspects of their medical care." Oh, interesting, because that philosophy? That shitty philosophy leads to anti-vaxxers, Dick.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: The number one problem on our website. The biggest problem in the universe right now is anti-vaxxers, and that shitty philosophy…every individual can decide the healthcare they want for themselves? That's what leads to anti-vaxxers.

Sean: But you're painting libertarians in black and white.

Maddox: Mhmm. (annoyed)

Sean: You're not thinking that there's degrees like there are in conservatives and liberals.

Dick: This is one part of it…

Sean: This is one part of it.

Maddox: Show me a moderate! Show me one fucking moderate libertarian!

Dick: Ever…it's…it's a philosophy!

Sean: (interjects) There's tons of…

Dick: (interjects) It's a philosophy! It's in everyone who's a politician! Everyone…remember the grid. Everybody from left to right has libertarian TENDENCIES and authoritarian TENDENCIES. You can be on either side, but you have parts of that philosophy…(frustrated noise)

Sean: There is no fence. There's no fence and there's no box.

Maddox: I don't believe…

Sean: (interjects) And that…that you don't like. Because it's not convenient.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: To put it in a…to put in a little compartment.

Maddox: Sean, it's because I can't find one fucking slippery, weasel libertarian to take a stance…

Dick: Look at Rand Paul. He's more libertarian than the rest of the Republicans. There you go. He's moderate.

Maddox: I just…I just want one libertarian to take a stance that I can pin them down on. Do you think that people should get vaccinated?

Dick: Of course!

Maddox: Do you think that as a government program…

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay, great. Thank God! Finally. Fuckin'…after two episodes…

Dick: How is that…I'm…I don't speak for all…I'm not the Jesus!! I'm not the Neil DeGrasse Tyson of libertarians!!!

Maddox: They're all like you! (laughs)

Dick: I'm just saying, I think people should get vaccinated!

Maddox: Okay. Here's number two. This is the second problem I have with it. (someone groans) "Recognizing that education…" this is from the website. "Recognizing that education of children is a parental responsibility."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "We would restore authority to parents to determine the education of their children without interference from government."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The problem with that is, libertarianism doesn't afford you more freedoms, it affords you less, because I don't believe any meaningful democracy can exist without an educated populous. If you're unaware of your rights, or the consequences of your decision, what bills are being proposed, the impact they'll have on you, your family, your business, our national security, you're not truly free, because you can't fully exercise your rights if you don't even know what they are! That's the reason that we have Miranda rights.

Dick: Is that you reading that, or are you reading from the site?

Maddox: This is me. This is my own writing.

Dick: Oh, this is you reading you…okay.

Maddox: If you're not even educated enough to take part in the political conversation in this country, then your rights are irrelevant! It's like giving monkeys the right to own property and vote! They're too stupid to use it! That's why I have a problem with libertarianism, because they don't support national education, they don't support…it's like, "Hey, everyone for themselves!" and you know what? They say that parents should fund the education for their children, but the problem with that is, if you have shitty parents, if you have a shitty family, which you guys have the luxury of not having, but if you do, they're not gonna fund shit for you, so if you are uneducated…"

Dick: (interjects) Now we've found your problem with libertarians.

Maddox: Well…(stammers) yeah! I told you. Like, this is the whole thing.

Dick: Parents.

Maddox: No, it's not just parents. It's…this whole…this whole "individual should be responsible for themselves". Well, some people have a huge leg up if they have a good family network to fall back on.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But if you don't…then, you're fucked. And you're gonna be…you're gonna have a legacy of being fucked if someone doesn't help you out. Like, there has to be a good social fabric as well.

Dick: Welcome to being a moderate libertarian. There you go.

Sean: You don't have to buy…

Dick: (interjects) There you go. We all know that.

Sean: You don't have to buy everything hook, line, and sinker. Like, life isn't that rigid.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Why does it say this, Sean? Why does it say this on this website?

Dick: Because that's their philosophy!

Sean: Because that's the go…yeah.

Maddox: It's a shitty philosophy.

Dick: It's not a shitty philo…(stammers) I don't wanna get into this, 'cause it's Roger's episode…

Roger: (interjects) (Doc voice again) I don't even know what the problem with librarians is. I mean…(Dick laughs) They have it hard enough these days. I mean, the internet kinda like pushed them off to the side, so let's stop talking about librarians, and let's start talking about Halloween, okay?

Dick: Yeah. Great.

Maddox: Well, before we move on, though.

Roger: Okay.

Maddox: I have a song. This is sent in from Thermoptik. I think you'll like it.

(Song starts, futuristic riff with heavy reverb)

Maddox: "There's no such thing as libertarianism. It's only libertarian theory. (echoes)

Sean: "Well ye…there's…yeah. It's never gonna exist."

Maddox: "No, 'cause you can't nail it down."

Roger: What is this new age…?

Maddox: "No one will stand up and say "This is what we stand for…"

Sean: "You NEED government to regulate certain things."

Dick: "Of course."

Sean: "Great, he took the two "anti" ones."

Dick: "Ugh, everyone knows that." (beat picks up) "THEY KNOW THAT!" "THEY KNOW THAT, GODDAMNIT!! THEY KNOW THAT!! THEY KNOW THAT!! THEY WANT TO ENFORCE THE CONSTITUTION AS IT'S FUCKING WRITTEN, YOU PIECES OF SHIT!! THEY KNOW THAT THE GOVERNMENT SHOULD EXIST!!! (yelling)

(Roger laughs)

(beat continues)

Dick: "GODDAMNIT!" (cackling) (chipmunk voice) "Goddamn it!" I'm arguing with a guy who's friends with people who p…pu…pu…(loops over and over with the beat)"

(they all laugh)

Dick: Cool.

Dick: "I'm arguing with a guy who's friends with people who p…pu…pu…go to coloring book parties!!"

Dick: I could fuck to that song.

Dick: "And dates multiple guys! Like, "Hey, I've got six boyfriends and I'm at a party with a bunch of (slows down and the pitch of his voice drops) other FUCKFACE WEIRDOS!" (beat continues)

(they all laugh)

Dick: "Boyfriends and girlfriends. Look at us! It's the end of days! Everybody's fucking and we'll all ugly! And we're all libertarian!!"

(Dick cracks up)

Dick: "And that's what you…that's what you think of is a libertarian, but it's NOT! They're very smart people!!"

(Maddox laughs)

Dick: "Smarter than FUCKING YOU!!!!"

(they all laugh)

Dick: "Libertarians!!! Who just want less intrusion in their fucking lives!!!"

Dick: "They just wanna be left ALONE!" (echoes)

Maddox: "You're autistic.")

(Song ends)

(they all laugh)

Maddox: Anyway, alright. What's…

Dick: Well, I have a lot of funny voice mails that we don't get to hear, now.

Maddox: Let's hear…let's hear one!! Good. I want to…I enjoy these shitty…these voice mails shitting on me. Let's hear it.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Great.

Dick: I don't…I don't think so. (giggles)

Maddox: No, I love it.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys. Kyle from Ohio here. Uh…I just finished listening to that last episode you had about the libertarian jerkoffs, or whatever."

Maddox: Yeah. (Roger giggles)

"Uh…the more Maddox tried to prosecute Dick, the more I ended up agreeing with Dick."

Maddox: Mmm.

"Uh, I ended up looking into libertarianism…"

Maddox: Oh, yeah? (grins)

"Pretty…pretty sound stuff."

Maddox: (goofy voice) "Pretty sound stuff, huh?!" (Dick giggles)

"It sounded like Maddox was just grandstanding."

Maddox: (goofy voice) Yeaaah.

"Everything that you accused him of, Dick very easily argued that. Uh, Maddox, man…kinda let me down."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Ah, that wasn't the funny one.

"Dick, don't go fuck yourself.")

Dick: I played the wrong one.

Maddox: (sighs) Well, enjoy not getting vaccinated and spreading measles. (Sean groans)

Dick: They don't believe in not…like, your argument's so weak.

Roger: Jesus.

Dick: You're saying libertarians don't believe in vaccinations?!

Maddox: No.

Dick: Are you serious?

Maddox: They believe that they should…look. I don't want ANYONE. ANYONE to think that they have the right to choose any medical procedure they want for themselves, because it ENDANGERS society!

Dick: Wait a minute. Any medical procedure?!

Maddox: No. Absolutely not!

Dick: Any medical procedure!

Maddox: No.

Dick: We're talking about, like, anything. You don't want anybody to decide any medical procedure about themselves?

Maddox: Not…not…I don't want anything to be an option, no. Absolutely not. What if th…what if you believe that you should inject yourself with bubonic plague?

Dick: You're just talking about vaccines, though.

Sean: Audience, you know what to do.

Dick: Yeah. I don't know what you're talking about, now.

Roger: Audience, I'm looking forward to next week when I come on as the guest for the Halloween episode. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: I'm sorry, Roger. Do you wanna do your problem first?

Roger: It's gonna be a lot of fun.

Dick: I honestly…I don't wanna talk more.

Roger: No, actually. No, no. No.

Dick: Here's my problem this week.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Libertarian Booge…I'm just kidding. (they all laugh) It's Haunted Shit. Like…not…I'm not talking about actually haunted shit, because that doesn't exist. I'm talking about like, haunted houses. Haunted hayrides. Haunted boats.

Roger: Haunts.

Dick: Haunted…haunts. Yeah.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Fuck haunts.

Roger: Why?

Dick: They're all a big rip…I don't like shitting on fun things that people do.

Roger: Okay.

Dick: But these stupid things are all a huge scam and I hate them.

Roger: Alright, I need…'cause I love haunts, so I need to hear why you hate them so much.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're a huge ripoff.

Roger: Why?

Dick: You're paying 30 bucks to take a…

Maddox: (interjects) You don't like to be scared!

Dick: …stupid. I'm not scared at any of these. That's part of the point! Why…I'm paying 30 dollars to go sit on a stupid hayride and look at a bunch of assholes dressed up in rubber masks, who I know can't touch me! Like, that's not scary. I know these are just a bunch of jerks who'd rather be doing anything that making $12.50 an hour pretending to scare…

Roger: I know people who work at the haunts, and they love it. They've been doing it for decades, some of these people.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: They absolutely love it. The people at Knott's Scary Farm…uh, people over at Universal Studios Hollywood, all that stuff.

Dick: What do they get out of it? What the hell does anybody get out of it that I don't?

Sean: The memory of seeing someone scared shitless. You know they remember every person they scared into pissing themselves, and they probably love it.

Roger: I know I would.

Dick: Mmm.

Roger: You perform in the Tournament of Nerds sometimes.

Dick: I do.

Roger: You dress up in costume and all that.

Dick: Yeah, that's fun.

Roger: It's the same kind of thing. It's a lot of fun. You're getting into character and you're doing that stuff. And you just said, yourself. It's fun.

Dick: It's too fucking expensive. That's part of my problem with it, as well.

Roger: Alright. Alright, well look. See…that's…that's another part that you're wrong on, though, because there's a lot of haunts that are free or dirt cheap. Uh, I went to one called War 13 in Pasadena the other week. It's basically…you're going through this thing for a good, like, 20 to 30 minutes, and it costs 10 bucks. 10 bucks!

Dick: You're…you're crammed in there with a bunch of BO. (Roger giggles) You're crammed into a weird, human-sized mouse…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, he's got you there, Roger.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He's got you with the BO.

Dick: It stinks. It stinks in there.

Maddox: It does stink.

Dick: It does stink.

Roger: If you're going to the wrong one, sure. There are some that they intentionally add scents to it. Like, I remember they had a Texas Chainsaw Massacre one…

Dick: Sweaty nerd smell? (Maddox giggles) They manage to pipe that in? Through the rafters?

Roger: They had a Texas Chainsaw Massacre one that smelled like rotten beef and it was actually pretty effective, so, yeah.

Maddox: It also…

Dick: How did they…how did they figure that out? (Maddox laughs) How did they figure out how to get a rotting beef smell into it?

Maddox: I…the one thing I don't like about the…any kind of, like, chainsaw-themed ones, is when they're running the chainsaw indoors…in closed quarters, without ventilation…

Roger: They're not allowed to do that anymore, at least at all the major haunts, like you notice they're always running outside, like Universal…

Dick: There's…so many fucking rules in these. See, this is why we need libertarians.

Maddox: Oh, boy.

Dick: You should be able to determine…

Sean: Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it stop it!! Stop it!! (everyone talks over each other)

Roger: NOBODY CARES!

Dick: If you sign a waiver….look, it's just so safe, I never get scared. I don't get that. I…and I want it.

Maddox: You can…

Dick: (interjects) So that's the problem with these things for me.

Roger: (interjects) So you're probably one of the people who would actually want to go to one of these new extreme haunts, where they actually, like…

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: …you know, pretend to kidnap you, and grab your body and all kinds of stuff.

Dick: You know what?

Roger: That's the stuff that I think…it's taking it too far. It's taking the fun out of it.

Dick: You know what those are? I looked into those.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: It's just cramming you in a box. Like, that's all those…all those things are…those extreme haunted houses where, like, "Oh my god, people are coming out and crying, and like, going in an ambulance to a hospital, and they have to, like…"

Roger: They're not just putting you in a box. I mean, there's ones where they'll but, like actual, like roaches on you. There's all kinds of random stuff.

Dick: Ohhhh. Oh, bugs, oh no! (sarcastic)

Maddox: Oh, you wouldn't…

Dick: (interjects) I'm in an uncomfortable box and I have a bug on me…

Maddox: Get out. You…

Dick: They can't endanger you!!!

Maddox: …wouldn't be bothered. Dick…

Dick: No, I don't give a fuck about bugs!

Maddox: You don't give a fuck about bugs?

Dick: No!

Maddox: Mmm. (skeptical)

Roger: Are you…are you…

Dick: (interjects) I've eaten mealworms. I've had roaches crawl all over me!

Roger: Are you actually scared by haunts at all?

Dick: No.

Roger: For real.

Dick: Never!

Roger: For real. Like, you don't…

Dick: No.

Roger: Do you watch horror movies ever?

Dick: I'm terrified of horror movies.

Roger: Ohhhhhhhh.

Maddox: Oooookay.

Dick: And I hate them. But…

Roger: So maybe you're…maybe, it's like kinda…it's kinda, like, channeling over into these haunts, like, you don't like horror movies, so you're not liking haunts, 'cause you're scared of both?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, but…no, no, no. Because I…

Maddox: (interjects) have you…

Dick: My friend…go ahead.

Maddox: No, I'm sorry. You were talking.

Dick: My friend Tim Chang, who I think we've mentioned on the podcast before.

Roger: Yeah, I know Tim.

Dick: Great guy. Really funny guy.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: I think we have. 'Cause he was a wingman for you on one episode. That's why I remember…

Maddox: Indirectly, yeah. We didn't mention his name yet.

Dick: Yeah. So Tim calls me up last year and says, "Hey, I got these tickets to a haunted horror campout."

Roger: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: It's like a Friday the 13^th style one, yeah.

Dick: Whoooooa.

Roger: You can get a tent and all that.

Maddox: I almost went to that, yeah. With you guys. Same, yeah.

Dick: Okay. So he's…his friends bailed out and he said, "These are like $120 tickets." Of course. They all are.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because they're all way too fucking expensive, because they know chicks love going to these things.

Maddox: Mmmm.

Dick: So guys'll start shelling out dough, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I'm like, "Yeah. I'll take one of your tickets. Like, this sounds great." I pack my bag. Throw a big bottle of Maker's Mark in there. (Sean giggles) Like, this is…this is gonna be awesome! There's gonna be…we're gonna be running through the woods, right?

Maddox: What, were you taking a biplane in, in case you run out of fuel for your…

Dick: Bottle of Maker's Mark. A bottle of whiskey.

Maddox: It's awful.

Dick: I'm bringing a bottle of wh…if I'm camping, I'm bringing a fucking bottle of whiskey.

Roger: Where were they hosting it?

Maddox: No, I'm not talking about whiskey, I'm talking about Maker's. Yeah.

Roger: Where were they hosting it? Was that, like, Griffith Park or something?

Dick: Oh, I like Maker's Mark. Yeah. At an abandoned zoo.

Roger: Oh yeah. The…the haunted zoo of Griffith Park.

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: I've actually been there. That's pretty cool.

Dick: So I thought it was gonna be, like, you're isolated. 'Cause, like, it's this big money. $120. You could do a lot. You get a lot of people with 120 bucks.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: And we're all gonna be isolated. There's people gonna be, like, breaking into your tent and fucking with you all night, and it's gonna be really scary.

Roger: Right.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right? Like this is gonna be, like, maybe someone will have a heart attack on this thing, right?

Roger: Right.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, yeah, cool. Um…I go, and it is…it is LITERALLY a children's camp, but full of adults.

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: There's, like, hundreds of tents in a grid.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Touching each other. The camp counselors. They're dressed. And they're…you know, they're excited to be there.

Roger: Right.

Dick: They're nice people. They're great people.

Roger: Of course.

Dick: But it's…there's nothing scary about it at all!

Roger: Well…

Dick: It's your infantilism problem, big time!

Maddox: That's exactly what I was gonna say. It's infantilism. And it's gonna be related to my problem, but yeah. That is absolute…this is big time infantilism.

Roger: Well…

Dick: That would piss me off so much!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I didn't get scared once, except for when the security guard, see, he took my bag, and he set it down, and there was a big ol' liquidy clunk.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: And he goes, "Ooh." And, like, looked at it, and I was like, "Fuck." And Tim Chang was like, "Dude, you can't bring liquor in here. It says right on the top, 'No Liquor'." I'm like, Tim, fuck you.

Roger: Ohhh. (Maddox giggles)

Dick: I'm not NOT trying to bring liquor in anywhere.

Maddox: He said…he said that out loud in earshot of the security guard?

Roger: In front of the guard?

Dick: No, no, no.

Maddox: Oh.

Roger: Oh.

Dick: He said this further back.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: The guard…so the guard opens up my bag.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he moves…and there's just, like, a sweatshirt wrapped around a brick of liquor.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So he moves it to the side, and of course, it's the big size, 'cause I'm like, "Well, I'm gonna get chicks in my tent and get 'em shitfaced." Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he go…he looks at the Maker's, and he looks back at me, and he goes, "Hmmm." (Maddox giggles) And he zips back up the bag…(Maddox giggles) and hands it over to me. That was the most scared I was the whole night!

Roger: I think…I think the girls would probably be scared of you, there. (Dick laughs) But no, lemme tell you. The people who put on that haunt, I think they're the ones who put on Ghost Ship, also. I…

Dick: Oh, Ghost Ship was fucking horrible.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh. Roger.

Dick: You wanna tell what that was?

Roger: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Ghost Ship…like, I mean, I do tons of haunts every year, and I love a lot of them. They're a blast. But Ghost Ship…was basically this haunt, where they promoted it where they're gonna take you out on the ocean. This was what it said on the website.

Dick: Haunted house on a boat.

Roger: Exactly.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: You're going out on the ocean, on a cruise ship, and you can't see land or anything like that.

Dick: Right.

Roger: We get there, the ship is…it's a yacht. It's not decorated at all. We get on the boat.

Dick: At best. It's like a ferry.

Maddox: Whoa, talk about the price, Roger. The price and the parking price, too.

Roger: Oh, the price was what? It was like $75 to 100 bucks?

Dick: Yeah, it was 75 bucks.

Maddox: I ended up spending, like, 75 bucks on that.

Dick: Did you have to…did you have to pay for your lady friend's ticket as well?

Maddox: Oh, yeah, of course.

Dick: Yeah, see? Double it! That's what I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: These scams! It says 70 bucks, but it's actually 140!

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Alright. Well, they take us out on the boat. It doesn't even leave the harbor. Like, so…you're not out in the pitch black ocean in the middle of the night or anything.

Dick: No.

Roger: And the haunt itself lasts MAYBE 10 minutes? And then the rest of the time, you're just on a boat with a bunch of people wondering what the hell there is to do.

Dick: Oh.

Roger: And they don't return back to the harbor for, like, another hour and a half, so you're just stuck on this boat, having to pay for their overpriced liquor and stuff. That's all they had.

Dick: From…from ONE bar.

Roger: Yes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: A boat, if you can imagine it, a boat with one bar.

Roger: Oh, and they had a…

Dick: (interjects) I'm gonna go walk to another boat to get a drink?!

Roger: They had a magic show.

Maddox: (interjects) To be fair, they also had Roger Barr. (Dick scoffs, Maddox giggles)

Roger: Oh God, that was….

Maddox: Mmmm.

(Sound effect: Fake audience laughter)

(Maddox giggles)

Roger: Uh, you can read about…actually, at the time, I took photos of what was on Ghost Ship. It's on the website from when we went, and all that.

Maddox: I wrote…I…

Roger: (interjects) It was really bad.

Maddox: Yeah. It was awful.

Roger: We…didn't all of us report them to, like, the Better Business Bureau, and all that? 'Cause they were erasing people's comments on their Facebook page that year.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: 'Cause it was so, so bad.

Maddox: It was awful.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: It's a scam. Be wary.

Maddox: Mmmyeah.

Dick: Be wary of these…of this haunted shit.

Roger: No, not all of them. Just some people who don't know how to run 'em right. There's free ones, like, Boney Island.

Dick: Oho! (sexy)

Roger: You can just go to these amazing yard hops.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhh. (sexy)

Roger: They're totally free. I know you like that one.

Dick: I do.

Roger: There's also, uh…the back woods haunts, which is made by professional haunters who've literally set up a maze that's more impressive than most professional, like, Universal Studios haunts. It's the guys who work there. They build it in their backyard all year long.

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: Roger, tell us…

Roger: (interjects) There's documentaries about these guys. It's amazing, what they do.

Maddox: So you are the foremost authority on haunts, I would say…I think in the world, probably.

Roger: Thanks!

Maddox: You've seen so many. You're, like, nutso about Halloween. Give us…give us some recommendations. What were you say are the top TWO haunts to check out, say, in California, and maybe one in the United States.

Roger: Uhhh, okay.

Maddox: Or the world, yeah.

Roger: Lemme do one East Coast and one West Coast.

Maddox: Let's do it. Yeah.

Roger: Uh, I would say…west coast for, like, big haunts with tons of different mazes to see.

Maddox: Right.

Roger: I would probably say Knott's is the better between Knott's and Universal Studios Halloween Horror Nights?

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Horror Nights I love. They're…they're great, and it's awesome, 'cause you can see the real Psycho house and all that, which is a lot of fun on Halloween and all.

Maddox: Right.

Roger: But Knott's is far more creative, 'cause they're not working with these major movie properties or anything. They're just making the stuff up, like, they have a…like, a tooth fairy-themed one, which doesn't sound like it'd be that creepy, or anything like that, but…

Dick: No.

Roger: …you'll walk through a hall with all these skulls and their jaws are (makes clicking sounds) and you're just hearing that, like, all through these halls, like echoing in your ears…

Maddox: Mmm.

Roger: And all kinds of surgeries taking place, and everything. It's…it's really cool.

Maddox: I will second Knott's. I really like Knott's.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: I think it's a lot of fun.

Roger: You can tell they put a lot of love in what they do there, yeah.

Maddox: Well, the thing that really sold me on Knott's were two of the haunts they have. They have probably about 15 or 20 different, like, smaller haunts at Knott's depending on the year, and one of them was a metal-themed haunt.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: And it was not scary at all, it was fucking awesome. I was just headbanging all the way through.

Roger: Not all haunts are supposed to be scary, either.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: A lot of 'em are just supposed to be fun, like they had, like, a Dia De Los Meurtos one that was all 3D and crazy.

Maddox: Yeah. That was cool.

Roger: And you'd walk through it with the glasses.

Maddox: And…

Roger: (interjects) They have a bayou-themed one this year. Uh…

Maddox: Another one I liked…

Dick: Do they have like a strip club-themed one that's actually a strip club? (Maddox laughs)

Roger: Uh…Universal…well, I'm being serious. Uh, Universal last year…

Maddox: Dick wants to be scared stiff.

Dick: Yeah. (they laugh)

Roger: That's an Elvira gag.

Maddox: Oh, mmm?

Roger: Scared Stiff. That's the name of her pinball machine.

Maddox: Oh, fuckin' A.

Dick: Oh, man.

Roger: Yeah, man. I know too much.

Maddox: Of course Roger knows that.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Don't raise your hand if you've jerked off to her. Right? (Maddox giggles)

Roger: Elvira…oh, speaking or Elvira…she is performing at Knott's still, to this day, like, last year she came back and I saw her again this year.

Dick: Well guys, I gotta go.

Roger: Yep. (they all crack up)

Maddox: And what a babe, too. She's like, what, like, pushing 80 or something. She's like super hot still!

Roger: She's not that old, but…(giggles) (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: She's still hot!

Dick: Is she super hot? How do you know that?

Maddox: She's still a babe, yeah. I saw a recent picture of her.

Roger: Yeah, she's still got it.

Maddox: She's still a babe.

Dick: Oh, okay, cool.

Roger: Still funny as ever, also.

Dick: Good to know.

Maddox: And so what's an east coast haunt?

Roger: Um, the east coast haunt would have to be Headless Horseman. Uh…first off, I'll say there's a haunt called Sleep No More in New York City…

Maddox: I heard about that, yeah.

Roger: Which is…that's a whole nother level. Whole different crazy kind of thing. It's almost like going into Eyes Wide Shut, but not, like, as sexual. It's more just…

Maddox: No dicks out.

Roger: Really creepy and weird and every…it's just an experience that can't be described. You just gotta go to it and check it out. But…

Dick: (interjects) Is there a haunt full of, like, stats about how baby boomers have saved no money and they're approaching retirement?

Roger: (giggles) Maybe.

Dick: Wooooooooooohoooooo! (ghost sound)

Roger: I can tell that scares you. Uh, the best one on the east coast would have to be Headless Horseman Hayride and Haunt. This is…it's like a mile-long hayride that you go through, then they drop you off through…and this is on an old, old farm that the whole thing takes place on, it's in upstate New York in Ulster Park. And they drop you off at the end of the hayride after the Headless Horseman chases you, and you actually see this giant guy on a..on a big horse riding up behind you, and you see a silhouette in the moonlight and all.

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Roger: It's just really surreal looking.

Maddox: That does sound cool.

Dick: You shit your pants.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: It's…it's pretty awesome.

Dick: Ohhhhh, guy, a horse. Ugh. (makes shitting sounds)

Roger: No. It's a lot of really good stuff. And then they drop you off at a bunch of different mazes, so you're not waiting in different lines throughout the night. You just g…once you've got through the main line to get on the hayride, you're just going from one thing to the other the whole night, and they have, uh…all kinds of great haunts. Like, they have a slaughterhouse.

Maddox: Yeeeeeah.

Roger: They have…they have a greenhouse with, you know, like an Audrey 2 style giant plant and everything.

Maddox: Oh, you know what would actually scare me Roger? Is if it was, like…

Roger: (interjects) Corn maze. All that kind of good stuff.

Maddox: If it was like a contemporary greenhouse with just a bunch of fucking clipboard jockeys sounding outside Trade Joe's asking you to sign a fucking petition. (Roger giggles)

Dick: Yeah! That's scary! Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, God. Oh, how do I get in the store? What do I do to avoid this?! I don't wanna be bothered! I don't care about your orangutans!! I don't give a FUCK about Greenpeace.

Roger: (interjects) But you see that every day.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: You see that every day already.

Maddox: That scares the shit out of me.

Dick: That's why it's so scary, 'cause it's around all the time.

Roger: Okay, alright.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: OooooOooooooh.

Maddox: Priuses. Just a bunch of Priuses lined up in there, with their pretentious bumper stickers, honking at me on my bike. Fucking assholes.

Roger: You wanna hit your laugh track button there?

Maddox: No. (giggles)

Dick: No, that was funny. (Roger giggles) Um…no, I didn't realize how much they annoyed me until I was…I was walkin' around…was with these girls and I wanted to bang one of them, and her friend goes, "Oh, have you been to the haunted hayride? It's…kind of fun." I was like "Oh…"

Roger: (interjects) That's the one I've never been to out here, and the whole reason why is because it was put on by the same people who did the Ghost Ship one, so…

Maddox: I heard it's good, though.

Dick: Oh, okay. That's good. I got more ammo to use, then.

Roger: No, no.

Dick: 'Cause I said "No, it's not fun. It's a scam." It's a scam.

Roger: And after going to the Headless Horseman one on the east coast, I know the Haunted Hayride isn't gonna hold a candle, so I'm not even gonna bother with that one. (Maddox belches) And there's other hayrides that you can do up here. We have, like, the largest corn maze in the country up north somewhere.

Maddox: Oh right, yeah.

Roger: I wanna check that out.

Maddox: Yeah, my buddy just went to that. Um, I'll tell you. One of the few times I've had an experience at a haunt where it was genuinely unsettling. It's only happened to me one time. Like, I don't give a shit about haunts. I go through and I have fun, but it's not, like, spooky or anything. Uh, there was one in San Diego.

Roger: Yep.

Maddox: And it was…I think it was called the Haunted Hotel? Is what it's called?

Roger: Yeah, that's…that's been there for a while.

Maddox: Yeah. The Haunted Hotel.

Roger: I've never gone to that one, actually.

Maddox: Yeah. So, like, the whole haunt is just kinda, like, you know, whatever. It's your typical haunt. Like, you know, chainsaw guys and people screaming at you and shit.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Except for one room I walked into, and it was built like a subway. Like a New York subway. And they did such a convincing job on this, I…I..(stammers) swear to God, like, the windows were rushing by, there was like…

Roger: Oh, they actually had the motion in there? Oh, that's cool.

Maddox: Yeah, they had the motion in there, and the platform beneath you was shaking just like a subway car. It felt so authentic, and the lights were flickering, and everyone on the subway car was wearing black. And there were all these bodies, and they were all holding the poles, and everybody looked so real, I couldn't tell who was real or fake?

Roger: So they were, like, swerving with it?

Maddox: Yeah. They were swaying with it…

Roger: Oh, nice.

Maddox: And I didn't wanna walk through this thing. It made me unsettled. I felt like I was surrounded by people who…and I didn't know who was real and who was fake, or if any of them were real, or if any of them were fake, but it REALLY freaked me out. That was the one time…and they even had, like, wind blowing in, so it felt like a subway car. Just at the right…uh, the right intervals.

Roger: Hmm.

Maddox: It was…it was really unsettling. But that's the only time.

Roger: I, uh…this year I actually experienced, at that War 13 one I was talking about, I experienced two things that I have not seen before at haunts so far. First off, at one point, they bring us into a room and they strapped us into wheelchairs, and then suddenly, they start pushing us around outdoors. They took us out of the haunt and…they're shoving us around in wheelchairs, like, at high speeds through all these people, like, escaped mental patients and everything. Then they dropped us off in a hallway, we crawl underneath a bed to go through this tight little corridor, and when you get into this other hallway, all the walls are electrified, so whenever you touch them, you're actually getting shocked, and it's pitch black, so you can't see.

Maddox: Hah!

Roger: So you gotta, like, feel your way through, but…

Maddox: That's cool.

Roger: …getting shocked along the way.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: That's funny.

Roger: Dick…

Dick: You know the…what, go ahead?

Roger: Dick, is there a haunt that you've actually liked? Ever?

Dick: Um…I went to Universal Studios.

Roger: Halloween Horror Nights?

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: Okay.

Dick: And I got front-of-the-line passes.

Roger: Oh, you have to have that there.

Dick: Yeah. This girl I was dating wanted to go.

Roger: It's gotten worse over the years. Like, if you don't get in front of the line, you're gonna see maybe, like, three haunts throughout the night. Uh, so yeah. You gotta…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah.

Maddox: So what, you're looking at a grand for the tickets for the night?

Dick: (scoffs) It was pricy.

Roger: It's…like, if I get in front of the line, it's probably, like, 80-90 bucks if you buy 'em in advance or something.

Dick: The feeling of walking past those people waiting for those haunts, like…waiting two hours, three hours, and just feeling them stare at me…

Roger: You loved that? (giggles)

Dick: …like I'm the biggest asshole in the world.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (grins)

Dick: 'Cause you can't buy front-of-the-line passes once you're there.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: And we had…like, the guy said on the phone, you want a front-of-the-line pass? I'm like, "Fucking of course."

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: I'm not gonna stand in line.

Roger: Right.

Dick: These people were just, like, trying to murder me with their eyes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I'm walking through with this hot chick…

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: I'm like, "Fuck you, guys!!"

Maddox: Uh-huh. (giggles) (Roger laughs)

Dick: Haha, fuck you!

Maddox: Same thing happened to me one year. I felt like King Shit, and then I walked out and walked down…I did everything at Universal Studios, then I came down to do another…to do them again, because I was like, "Ah, fuck it, I got time to kill." And I saw some of the same people standing in line.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Waiting in line to get through ONE haunt that I got through the entire park in the same amount of time.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um…

Dick: And then, as we were leaving, oh, no, this was the coup de "gras".

Roger: Okay.

Dick: Of me enjoying. We were…as we were leaving, this guy was walking in with his kid, so I took our front-of-the-line passes and gave them to him and his kid.

Roger: Oh, nice.

Dick: Oh, and she was like SPLOOSH!

Maddox: Oh, I know who you're talking about, yeah, yeah.

Roger: Um…one other thing about that Knott's, uh…Scary Farm? The past two years, they've introduced this Skeleton Key thing, which is really cool. Uh, I think you get it with the front-of-the-line passes, and it gives you access to an extra room in each of the mazes that you go to, that other people wouldn't get to go in otherwise, so you get to see this extra scene.

Maddox: Mmm.

Roger: And it's sometimes really cool, or interactive, yeah. Pretty neat.

Maddox: Hmm. I'm with Dick on the…the skeleton key sounds a little bit scammy. Sounds like the Scammy Key.

Dick: Oh, they…(stammers) they got 11 prices on the hayride. On their fucking website! There's 11 different ways you can spend money at this thing.

Maddox: You know…you know what's a way you can save money, Dick?

Dick: With Harry's. (Maddox laughs) 'Cause this show is brought to you by Harry's shave…

Roger: Oh, my God.

Dick: Go to http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase. Look, you gotta look good. It's Halloween.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Buy a fucking razor.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right?

Roger: Or…or buy a mask.

Dick: Roger…(Roger giggles) we're not selling masks here, you dipshit. (Maddox laughs) We're selling Harry's razors. You are a man. You shave all the time!

Maddox: Fucking dumb!! (laughing)

Dick: You shave every day. What…don't…you don't…do you use Harry's razors? Yes or no?

Roger: No. If you give me some I'll use 'em, sure.

Dick: Big mistake. Big mistake.

Maddox: Oh, we'll give you $5 off!

Dick: We'll give you one. I'll get you a Harry's razor. I'll spend 10 bucks to prove that Harry's razors are good. For Roger!

Maddox: Okay.

Roger: I will take the Harry's razors test. Sure.

Dick: Then you come back next year…

Roger: Next year. Alright. (grins)

Dick: And you tell us how great these razors are. (Maddox and Roger laugh) You're over…right now…you. You are overpaying for whatever dumb razor you're buying. You're overpaying at the drug store.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Roger: Hmm.

Dick: I dunno if that's scary for you.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: But that should spook you out a little bit.

Maddox: Yeah, spook out your bank account. (Roger chuckles) Right outta money!

Dick: Harry's starter kit is fifteen dollars…

Roger: (interjects) I buy razors like once a year, I think?

Maddox: Roger…

Roger: Yeah. (Dick laughs) I love it when…whenever Maddox is annoyed with me, he'll always do that. "Roger…" (Maddox laughs) Yep.

Dick: Starter kit's $15. It includes a razor, three blades, and your choice of Harry's shave cream or foaming shave gel. (Roger still laughing) As an added bonus, you get 5 dollars off your first purchase with our code, "BIGGESTPROBLEM", http://www.harrys.com Hey, here's something I just learned. 'Cause I just read the entire document that they sent over, finally.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: After a year.

Maddox: After a year. (giggles)

Dick: Yeah. They give 1% of their sales and 1% of their time. I dunno what that means. "To organizations that prepare people"…for, like, job interviews.

Maddox: Oh, that's cool.

Dick: Right? Yeah. So when you say that companies wouldn't provide charity, that the government has to do it…

Maddox: Oh, my god. (annoyed) (Dick cackles)

Roger: Oh, so they can get…they can get…

Maddox: (interjects) Alright, you wanna talk about it?! I got stats, dipshit! (Dick still laughing) I got stats!! You wanna talk about government charities?!

Dick: Go to http://www.harrys.com and use promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM".

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Smoothed that read.

Maddox: Yeah, real smooth.

Dick: Go ahead, Roger. (Maddox laughs)

(Maddox signs)

Roger: I have no idea where we even were.

Maddox: You're…Roger, your problem.

Dick: What's your problem?

Maddox: What is your problem?

Roger: Oh, my problem now. Okay. Um, my problem is that Halloween is not considered, like, an official holiday. It's not a holiday that we get off work for, or anything.

Dick: Mmmm.

Roger: When it, you know, falls on a regular weekday. This year, thankfully, it's on a Saturday night, so everyone's gonna go wild, but what about the times when, you know, it's during the regular week, and you'd like to actually be out doing everything on a Halloween night, but you gotta get up the next morning to go to work?

Dick: Like a sucker.

Roger: Like, think about, like, New Year's Eve, and stuff. We get…we get January 1^st off of work, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: Most people do.

Dick: It's a federal holiday.

Roger: Right. Right. And…Halloween…most people probably party even harder on Halloween night.

Dick: You're right. I do! (Maddox laughs)

Roger: Yeah, see? I've SEEN you on Halloween night.

Maddox: I have more fun on Halloween…one of the sloppiest Halloweens I've ever had…one year, I dressed up as a sexy woman. And…I found this dress that fit me. It was great. I was a beautiful woman.

Roger: Have we talked about your fan costume before, on here?

Maddox: My fan…

Roger: Maybe last year?

Maddox: Which…which one?

Roger: When you were "a fan".

Maddox: Oh, a fan?! That was a great costume!!! It's actually…you're looking at…I got this fan in my room…

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: It's…

Roger: (interjects) He took off the cover to his oscillating fan…

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Hung it around his neck, and that was his costume.

Maddox: Yeah. I was a fan. And then I drew fan blades on my shirt and I had two buttons on the fan that said "Cool", and "Super Cool". (Roger chuckles) It was the biggest hit! I was hanging out with you that year, Dick.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. We were…

Roger: Yeah. Dick, was it the biggest hit?

Dick: I dunno if it was the biggest hit ever.

Maddox: Oh, it was the biggest hit, buddy. (Dick and Roger laugh)

Dick: I don't know…

Maddox: Oh man, I'll tell you what, I made a detour to Bangtown on my way home that night!

Sean: Better or worse response than the Afro wig you insist on wearing? (Dick giggles)

Maddox: Ro…Sean, it's cool as shit. (Roger laughs) You don't understand! Anyway, so, one year I was this hot lady, right? And then I wore this blonde wig.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And…a cowboy hat, and then…(giggles) and then I bought my own lipstick and everything, I'm like, "Oh, I'm gonna pick a color that compliments my skin." And so I…(laughs) I went to the store.

Roger: I like that you went that detailed.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. I got boots and everything. And then over the course of the night, I got more and more drunk, and I started developing this Southern drawl, I'd walk up to people and be, like, "Hey, y'all." (Roger giggles)

Dick: (drawls) "Which one of you fine gentlemen wants to buy me a drink?" (Maddox laughs) Oooh!

Maddox: I swear to God, the next day, I was…I guess I was starting to drunk text people…

Dick: Yeah. You did.

Maddox: Up to about a year and a half to TWO YEARS after that party…still, people would come up to me and talk about conversations that I had with them. That I don't remember at ALL.

Roger: Is this the time you passed out in a wheelbarrow?

Maddox: Yeah, wheelchair.

Roger: Wheelchair.

Maddox: I passed out in a wheelchair and threw up…

Roger: I thought I remembered this, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, I remember that.

Roger: I remember how sad it looked, like you passed out in a wheelchair, dressed as a woman.

Dick: No, and I was trying to make you throw up.

Roger: Yes, you were.

Dick: Because everyone was…everyone was really worried about you…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I was going over and saying really disgusting things to try to make you throw up…(Maddox giggles) and everyone was freaking out, they're like, "NO, stop, get away from him! Get away from him!!" (Maddox cracks up) Like, he's fine. He's just drunk.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And an asshole. He deserves this.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) Dick…Dick's a fun guy to go drinking with. And by the way, Dick. Of all the times I've passed out in my life from alcohol, probably like 5 or 6, I think 5 of the 6 were with you.

Dick: Yeah. Good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Good. It's good for you.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: It's a young…Halloween is a young person's holiday. Why don't WE have the day off, right?!

Roger: Everyone should have the day off, not just young people. Old people as well.

Dick: I know, but they don't need it as much as we do.

Roger: Oh.

Dick: What do we have…what do we have for a federal holiday?!

Roger: We definitely need it more. I mean…I mean, think. We get, what, like, Columbus Day?

Dick: Fuck Columbus!!!

Roger: Flag Day? (giggles)

Dick: Yeah! Fuck flags as well.

Maddox: Flag Day's not a federal holiday.

Roger: Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: You know what, though? You know what is, Roger? Memorial Day, for our fallen soldiers. So you're saying we should, like, also honor ghouls and ghosts and candy, the same way we should honor Memorial Day. (giggles)

Roger: I do.

Maddox: I know YOU do!!!

Roger: Hey, look! Look! Some soldiers arw now ghouls and ghosts. (they all laugh)

Maddox: Oh, Roger. (giggles) They should do a haunted Arlington, huh?

Roger: Hey!

Maddox: At Arlington, the actual cemetery. (they laugh)

Roger: Yeah, uh…

Maddox: Can you imagine Roger running around, spooking people out there with a lantern?

Roger: I lived in, uh, Richmond, Virginia, so we've definitely been to quite a few, like, you know, battlefields. They have a lot of, like, haunted tourism, actually.

Dick: Oh, wow.

Maddox: Haunted battlefields?

Dick: Huh.

Roger: Yeah. Yeah, seriously.

Maddox: I bet it's all libertarian propaganda.

Dick: That's interesting.

Maddox: In those…

Roger: Ehhh, here we go. Here we go. (Maddox cracks up)

Dick: Well, you know, as a libertarian, the idea of a federal-mandated holiday offends me deeply.

Maddox: Ahhh. Alright. (giggles)

Roger: Right, but I'm just saying, you know…people…

Dick: The government's control of our calendar is in fact offensive.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: Ohh! (Sean laughs)

Dick: I think the free market should decide whatever day it is.

Roger: Right!

Maddox: Or month it is. Yeah.

Roger: Think about how…

Dick: (interjects) What day do you want it to be today? Friday? Monday!? (Maddox laughs) Let's let the free market decide!

Maddox: Don't tell ME what day it is!

Dick: You want it to be Halloween or Christ…Sean, 10 bucks says it's Christmas. Do I have a higher bidder?!

Maddox: Your iPhone's real authoritarian, telling you what time it is. I'll tell YOU what time it is, iPhone! (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah. My iPhone?! It could be any…who am I?! Let's let the free market decide who I am. (Maddox laughing)

Roger: Seriously, though?

Dick: I could be YOU for the right price. (Maddox sighs) You could be me!!!

Roger: They…they've actually said that Halloween is on track, honestly, to surpass Christmas in how much money people spend on it every year now.

Dick: How is that…no. How the fuck is that possible?!

Maddox: That sounds like propaganda!!

Roger: Billions!!

Maddox: Roger Barr!!

Dick: No!!!

Maddox: Shame on you!

Roger: Alright, look.

Dick: People are buying TVs and cars on Christmas! (Maddox cracking up)

Roger: Look. Either way, it's a billion-dollar industry.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: It's not either way, you said one way!! (Maddox laughs) (Dick cracks up)

Roger: I'm just telling you what I heard, alright?! (they laugh)

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: I'm not fact-checking everything all day long or anything like that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, 'cause you can't come in next week and spend 20 minutes talking about it.

Roger: Right, exactly. Nor would I want to. (they all laugh) Alright, anyway.

Maddox: So why should it be a national holiday? Go on.

Roger: Uh, it should be a national holiday because everyone loves going out on Halloween.

Maddox: Not everyone. You got called out last year, Roger! You came in and you were like, "Halloween's a great holiday and everyone should…" (Dick laughs)

Roger: Yeah, alright. If you're religious and super-uptight about it and all, and you're handing out pamphlets instead of candies like an asshole, sure, you don't like Halloween.

Dick: I do like those pamphlets, though. (Maddox laughs)

Roger: I do too. They always make me laugh.

Maddox: Oh, they're so great.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: They always make me laugh. "You're gonna burn in Hell." And you're handing that to, like, a five-year-old…

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Roger: You know, dressed as…

Maddox: Ah, that's hilarious, though.

Roger: That is, yeah.

Maddox: Telling a five-year-old that they're gonna burn in Hell?

Roger: Of course, yeah.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Oh yeah, that's super funny.

Roger: I know people who go to those Hell houses just for the laughs.

Maddox: Oh yeah, I wanna go to one.

Roger: Yeah. I've never gotten to go. I would totally go.

Maddox: So, let's explain this!

Dick: Wait, wait. Is this a real…what is a Hell house?

Maddox: Oh, yeah, yeah.

Roger: Hell house? No.

Maddox: For people who don't know, who don't live in California….there's actually, I think all over the country.

Dick: I live in California!

Maddox: I know, but for people who don't know.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. I know, I know. (grins)

Maddox: Right, um. They have these Hell houses that are, like, they're like haunted houses made by far-right Christians. (Dick gasps)

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Extreme Christians. And they make 'em like abortion, and AIDS…

Dick: Oh, yeah!!!

Maddox: And there's, like, homophobia, and all this, like, crazy shit in there.

Dick: Yeaaaaaaah!!!

Maddox: Like, "Oh, don't drink alcohol at these parties!"

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: You know what's REALLY SCARY?

Roger: It's supposed to be educational to the haunt…yeah.

Dick: Sure, sure, sure.

Roger: Haunt attendees, yeah.

Maddox: So they'll have someone getting an abortion in there and then just, like, crying with regret, like, "Oh, what have I done?!" Holding her aborted fetus. (Dick and Maddox crack up) Doesn't that sound great?!

Dick: What have I done?! How am I gonna make another one of these?!!? (they crack up again)

Maddox: Oh, man, we should…we gotta do a road trip. We need to a Biggest Problem road trip to one of these…

Dick: To Hell House?

Maddox: Hell houses, yeah.

Roger: Hell house.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Wouldn't that be fun?

Dick: Yeah. We could get gay married.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. It'd be fun.

Maddox: Hmm.

Roger: Yeah. Go in holding hands when you go to it.

Maddox: Oh, that'd be…you know what, Roger? I think they would welcome us and try to convert us.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: You should do a libertarian haunted house.

Maddox: Oh, yeah…wha…

Dick: Picture of a guy tearing up all the roads. "Don't need these public roads anymore!" (Maddox laughs)

Roger: Anyway. Look, look.

Dick: (laughing) Look at all this gold!

Maddox: Oh, yeah!!

Dick: This is how I…

Maddox: (interjects) It'll just be like an outhouse and some guy panning for gold…(Dick giggles) and then you walk through and there's a sign that says…

Dick: "Everyone has measles!!!"

Maddox: Yeah. (they all laugh) Bunch of dumb, mouthbreathing idiots eating rocks, 'cause they have no education!!! (Dick laughing) That's a libertarian wonderland!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just like Utah!

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cracks up) No Food and Drug Administration. Bunch of rotten food everywhere.

Dick: A magnifying glass so you can look at the small government. (guffaws)

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, sure. Why not? Why not? (Dick cracking up) Or…you could just have a sign there that says literally anything! Any rule, and you'd be like, "Oh that's a big government sign! Look how intrusive it is!!" (Dick laughs)

Sean: Hey where's the government around here? Oh, he's out back taking a shit!! (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: I guess parents are the biggest government at all in childrens' lives! Big Parents!

Dick: Yeah, and you hate them!!

Maddox: Well, 'cause they're shitty.

Roger: He does hate them. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: I mean no, I don't hate all parents. Your parents are cool.

Dick: Yeah, they're great.

Maddox: You know, some of us get a short straw when we're…what's the…what's the expression?

Dick: You drew the short straw?

Maddox: I drew the short straw, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: You have the short straw, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. I mean, I got a big straw.

Roger: Oh…(scoffs) (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Alright.

Roger: But yeah, look. Uh, I mean if people can get days off for, like, Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and all this. Why not Halloween?

Dick: Why not Halloween?!

Roger: I mean, all I'm saying is New Year's…it's pretty much a giant party, just like Halloween is, only Halloween's even crazier, so…

Dick: And sexier.

Roger: And people need a day off after Halloween, if not for Halloween itself.

Maddox: (interjects) Roger, what about…

Roger: So give us the day off. That's the problem.

Maddox: What about this? Roger, I love you bro, but you are…you are too ambitious. Okay? Why…what if…

Roger: (interjects) Too ambitious to ask for an extra day off? Who doesn't want a day off?

Maddox: Yes. Well, that's fine, if you wanna convert Columbus Day, but it's really hard to get through Congress. I actually did research right before this show.

Roger: Of course.

Maddox: To look into what it took to get a federal holiday.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: And it's a…you gotta go through Congress. You gotta get a majority, all this shit.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But here…how about this?

Dick: All this shit!! (giggles) All this democracy. Stupid democracy! (laughing)

Maddox: I know, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Libertarian…yeah. So…so…what about this, Roger? What if we tried to rebrand Christmas, right? And make Christmas as Halloween?

Dick: As Halloween?

Maddox: Yeah. And start getting costumes. Already, you got the Grinch.

Roger: I think Tim Burton already did that a long time ago.

Dick: Yeah. That's the premise of Nightmare on…

Roger: The Nightmare Before Christmas.

Maddox: But moreso. Moreso. Tim Burton took the first brave step. He's the astronaut, moving into Halloween-Christmas territory.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: No! See, that was the…backup problem that I was thinking of bringing in, was about how Christmas is just infringing on every other holiday, 'cause it basically starts in July now. Like, you're starting to see Christmas stuff on the shelves in July.

Dick: That's the free market at work! (Maddox groans)

Roger: Maybe I'll talk about that next year…(Maddox and Dick guffaw) for Halloween.

Maddox: Yeah. Maybe we should regulate it and make sure Christmas isn't as big.

Dick: No, yeah.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: That's the free market.

Maddox: You're…you know, Roger, I love Halloween. I'm not sure if Halloween is my favorite holiday. I think it's Christmas for me.

Roger: Doesn't…doesn't have to be your favorite holiday, but…

Maddox: Because…no.

Roger: But it should be treated just like Christmas is and Thanksgiving and any of these things.

Maddox: There's no equality between holidays. Who gives a shit!? (laughing)

Roger: No! I'm talking about just giving people the day off.

Maddox: Oh, oh, oh.

Roger: To celebrate it and enjoy it and have fun, and if you don't want to celebrate, enjoy the day and do something else! So what?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Just take the day off. Great. I love when I get a day off, like, for Columbus Day or something like that. That's awesome! I don't care about it.

Maddox: I actually hate days off. I hate…(giggles) I hate holidays. I hate days off. I really do.

Roger: Your life is a day off.

Dick: Yeah, exactly. (they all laugh)

Maddox: You fuckin' asshole! (Roger laughs) Anyway. Anyway, Roger. (they giggle)

Dick: What is a day off for you?

Maddox: A day off…

Dick: (interjects) Why do you hate it? What do you mean?

Maddox: Because it annoys me. Everything I normally do in my life, I can't do anymore, because everyone else is doing it. So, like, if I ever wanted to go to the beach…(Dick giggles) or if I wanted to go to my favorite restaurant…I can't go out on Valentine's Day!

Dick: Everybody's outside ranting about libertarianism. (Maddox laughs) It's not just you anymore.

Maddox: No need, 'cause they don't exist. (Dick cackles) Anyway. Anyway, guys. So moving on.

Dick: Did you get all your points out?

Maddox: Roger, that's your…did you get all your points out?

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Anything…okay.

Dick: You're not into the rebranding and other…

Roger: No. We don't need to rebrand it. I mean…

Maddox: (interjects) Sexy Christmas and Halloween compromise.

Roger: I like Christmas too. I like Christmas too.

Maddox: Roger.

Roger: And if you wanna blend Christmas and Halloween together, there are haunted attractions that are already doing that.

Dick: Christmaween.

Maddox: I've seen it, yeah.

Roger: If you got to, like, Sinister Point.

Maddox: Yeah. Sinister Point. Yeah.

Roger: They're doing that. There's another one…yeah.

Dick: What does that…what does that cost? Does it set you back 80 bucks?

Roger: No, it's actually a $15 haunt.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Dick, I'll get you on point with this, okay? Here's…here's how we're going to…I'm gonna get Dick on my side here, okay? Imagine this.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Sexy Christmas costumes, right?

Dick: Love it.

Maddox: So already…already…

Dick: In. Stop there. You got a sale. (Roger giggles)

Maddox: Hold on!!! (they all laugh) I'm gonna sweeten the deal! I'm gonna give you the free leather upgrade.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay? They're already wearing sexy costumes, right? It's Christmastime. Oh, I didn't have time to pick you up a gift, a little something-something.

Dick: Yeaaah.

Maddox: And then, next thing you know, hmm. I'm already wearing this. Well, let's put it to use.

Roger: Ahhhhh.

Dick: Wait, what do you mean?

Maddox: I mean, if you're…have you ever had a girlfriend around Christmas? Have you ever had a girlfriend?

Dick: The first time I touched a boob was a girl wearing, like, a sexy little Santa…like, elf dress.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Yeah. It was great. This was a big…this was a big boob.

Roger: Do you have a thing for elves now? Like whenever you see an elf?

Dick: Well, you were just talking about sexy dresses and…

Roger: Yeah. I'm just asking you an honest question.

Maddox: Did they escort you out of the mall, or? (Dick laughs)

Dick: Do I have a thing for elves now? Elves?

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: I have a thing for probably pretty much everything.

Roger: Really?

Dick: Uh…yeah. Yeah, sure.

Maddox: Mmmm.

Dick: I'll take it.

Roger: Alright. Good.

Maddox: Alright, guys.

Dick: If it's being offered.

Maddox: Guys, uh…my…my problem. I wanna get to my problem here if we have some time here.

Roger: Oh, right.

Maddox: Okay. Um, I'll just go quick with this, but…

Dick: We have plenty of time.

Maddox: Okay, well, I…my new video just came out. It's the…

Dick: (interjects) Ohh, I see.

Maddox: The things I HATE about horror movies, and one of the things I talked about and I didn't really get enough time to delve into on the episode, but zombies. I'm so fucking tired of zombies.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Everything about them is played out and I'm tired of them, but specifically, my problem for this week's episodes is Zombie Apocalypse Planners. I am SO fucking tired of these…

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: …Zombie Apocalypse Motherfucking Planners. You know any of these guys, Dick?

Dick: Uh…I know…I know of two doomsday preppers.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: But I don't…they're not preparing specifically for zombies, I don't think.

Maddox: Yeah. Sean, you know these guy…you gave me an exasperated groan.

Sean: Well, I didn't know it was a real thing.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. It's a real thing, buddy.

Sean: Like, people think like, "Oh, there's gonna be some…you know, supervirus or some kind of bug that turns people into zombies", and they're actually preparing for this shit?

Dick: They hang out at coloring book parties.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Roger: It's like the doomsday…it is a lot like the doomsday preppers, though, but I think they have, like, some extra things, like weapons that are specifically meant to kill zombies.

Dick: To kill zombies?

Roger: They're also preparing for doomsday in general.

Sean: They've also stayed inside far too long.

Roger: I think they just have this extra…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: They've stayed inside far too long and spent too much time on the fucking Internet.

Maddox: Well, so what it is…I think, related to the infantilism thing, remember Dick? You mentioned that it's infantilism with, like, the whole grownup campout thing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: With this specifically, and I really want to hit this point home with infantilism, is that it's the avoidance of responsibility as an adult by doing childish things like preparing for the zombie apocalypse. Because that's how you escape reality, escape your responsibilities. Escape your duties.

Dick: So lemme ask you something.

Roger: I love…I just love that we're talking about this when we just talked about how you…your basically everyday life is a day off.

Maddox: Well, I work. I mean, I work. I do things…

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Here's the thing. Um, I have…I've created a work environment that I like, but, uh…it's inconvenient when there's days off, because it's like going to Disneyland on a holiday. No one wants to do that. It's awful.

Dick: Yeah, that's why it's so crowded.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: No one wants to do it. (laughs) (Roger giggles)

Maddox: Well, no one WANTS to…

Dick: I'm just kidding, yeah, yeah.

Sean: That's a Yogi Berra quote.

Dick: I know, I know, I know.

Roger: I think they're even, like, trick or treating at Disney this weekend, or something. Like, you can actually go there in costume or something.

Dick: Oh.

Roger: I never go to Disneyland, really, but…

Maddox: One of the best times I've ever gone to Disneyland was during, uh…not Halloween itself, but the week or two before. It was empty. The park was empty.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: I got through every ride. It was awesome. Um, but anyway, so there's this book that came out back in 2003 by Max Brooks, called "The Zombie Survival Guide".

Roger: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: "Complete Protection from the Living Dead." You've seen this book, right?

Roger: Yeah, I've read it.

Dick: Of course.

Maddox: Huge New York Tim…

Roger: Aren't they making it into a movie, too?

Maddox: I'm sure. I think he wrote World War Z and they made that into a movie.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: Yeah, but I think the survival guide, they're actually making it into a movie.

Dick: Sure, why not.

Maddox: Ah, sure, fuck it.

Roger: Zombieland was kinda like that, right? Like, it's Jesse Eisenberg talking about…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. So I looked into this, and there's so many books and kits and things on Amazon about the Zombie Surviv….listen to this.

Dick: Like, for jokes, or for real?

Maddox: No. Well…half of 'em…you can't even tell anymore.

Dick: You can't tell.

Roger: Stuff like on ThinkGeek or whatever. Those kind of things.

Dick: Do you hate the j…is this problem about the real people, or the jokes, or the whole thing?

Maddox: The whole thing.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: I'm so tired of it.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Um, so here's one by Rex Cutty. Came out in 2014. Called Zombie Apocalypse: A Survival Guide. Sounds…I mean, it's almost like blatantly lifting the title from the other one.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: And a lot of these books have the same color scheme as Max Brooks' book?

Roger: Oh yeah. He was the impetus for all that stuff, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Back in 2003. So in 2015 there's Zombie Apocalypse Survival, then there's Surviving the Evacuation: Book 1: London, that's 2013, then there's Zombie Apocalypse: Love in the Endtime: The Endtime Saga Book 1. That actually just came out. Then How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse Virus: The Health Survival Handbook. And then some of 'em start to get more serious. Listen to this one. This isn't serious, but listen…well, I don't know!! It says Zombie Apocalypse and MMF Survival Romance Short Story. You know what an MMF is?

Dick: MMF? Yeah. Two guys fucking one chick.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) So…

Dick: That's weird.

Maddox: I brought in the description of this book. It says, "Josh, Carol, and their neighbor end up struggling for survival. Events get increasingly frustrating."

Roger: You sure this is, like, a book, and not fanfiction?

Maddox: Oh, it's a book. It's on Amazon.

Roger: Alright.

Dick: It's MMF.

Maddox: "Those events that are out of their control and some they choose to ignore them." "And some they choose to ignore them." (laughing) This is the copy. "A bitter, steamy triangle develops and the group becomes tense around each other." Oooh.

Dick: This sounds like just some idiot wrote it and put it on Amazon.

Maddox: Oh, some idiot did write it.

Dick: It's like an erotic zombie porno.

Maddox: Yeah. Then there's Zombie Apocalype Survival Kit in a Sardine Can. So this is…this is a big thing now. You can buy these…these kits for like $35 and they have, like, rations and things in them for your zombie survival. Then there's The Zombie Apocalypse: The Prepper's Guide to Pandemic Outbreak, Quarantine, and Zombie Fallout Survival Family Basics. There's the Men's Survival Guide. Be Prepared, Hunting, Fishing, Canning, Foraging, and Surviving the Zombie Apocalypse. There's the…now, here's one…this is actually just…it seems like it's just capitalizing on this trend. It's called "The Art of Eating Through the Zombie Apocalypse: A Cookbook and Culinary Survival Guide", by Lauren Wilson.

Dick: Yeah. It's…it's…I'm trended out.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm so fucking tired of it. It just goes on and on. There's the Zombie Apocalypse: Over 726 Tips to Survive and Thrive.

Roger: Okay, so…it doesn't sound like most people would actually take this stuff seriously. Like, they're reading it for laughs or whatever.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: Like, I'm sure there are some whackos out there who are, like, you know, actually preparing for the zombie apocalypse just like they would for any apocalypse, like, doomsday preppers. But…I think the majority of people buying shit like that, even like the little kids…

Dick: It's a joke. Yeah.

Roger: Yeah. It's like a funny joke. Just ironic.

Maddox: Yeah, uh…some of 'em, maybe, but then they're actually selling actual products that people use, now. There's zombie pills. Have you heard of these?

Dick: This is a real thing?

Maddox: This is a real thing. They're zombie pills.

Dick: Well, 26% of people believe in witches! Didn't we find…wasn't that my problem last year? So…fuck, maybe…

Roger: It was something like that last year.

Dick: Maybe this is real!

Maddox: Oh yeah, people…

Dick: (interjects) Who the hell knows!

Roger: What are the zombie pills, though. Let's…

Maddox: Yeah. The zombie pills? It says Zombie Apocalypse…

Dick: They make you stupid. (they all laugh)

Roger: There's zombie breath mints that they sell. Is that what you're talking about?

Maddox: Yeah. No…

Dick: No, no.

Roger: Is this candies, or?

Maddox: This is actually a supplement you can take.

Dick: Oh, God!

Maddox: It's Zombie Apocalypse: An Important Part of your Zombie Apocalypse Survival Kit. Top quality…it's like vitamins, actually, and I looked into it. It's mostly B12. It says it keeps your kids healthy and running fit.

Dick: So is it just a marketing thing?

Roger: It's totally…

Dick: (interjects) That sounds like a normal supplement.

Roger: It's like when they put out, like, Flintstones vitamins.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: It's like, you're still taking vitamins, but you're just using the Flintstones to market it and make it, like, for people…

Dick: Could that be what it is?

Roger: For people who are fans of zombies.

Dick: Still annoying. But I don't think it's real.

Maddox: Maybe. It's annoying. Yeah, I don't know.

Roger: Yeah, I don't think it's real either.

Maddox: I think that some people take this shit seriously, though. Like, there's this woman in Ohio, I think. Was recently arrested because she was running up and cutting her neighbor's cables with a machete, and then they broke into her house, and this lady's bonkers! Out of her fucking mind! She has, like, fake limbs hanging everywhere. She has, like, a pentagram altar, and knives everywhere in her apartment.

Dick: Oh..man.

Maddox: And she was trying to attack the cops. Oh, this lady's out of her fucking mind!

Roger: Oh there was some lady the other day on the news. I guess she was leaving…sending anonymous letters to her neighbors.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Roger: About her kids, saying, like, that they look tasty.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Could she taste them, or something.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Really creepy.

Dick: Great. Good, good, good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Well, you know, that's her right. The government has no right to come in and tell her that she can't eat her kids.

Roger: I dunno what that has to do with this other stuff.

Maddox: No. She should be allowed to do that.

Dick: That's what every libertarian thinks!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Roger: Oh, here we go.

Dick: Unless somebody else…we gotta set a price for these kids, first! (Roger giggles) Let the free market set the price to eat these kids!

Maddox: Zero. Kids are worthless. ZERO dollars. Um…there's another one. There's another book called E-Virus: The Modern Day Girl's Survival Guide: How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse for the Modern Girl.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Then there's Fat Chicks and Skinny Bitches Die First: A Girl's Guide to Surviving the Apocalypse. And then there's Vegan Teenage Zombie Huntress.

Dick: Skinny bitches are not gonna die first.

Maddox: Vegan Teenage Zombie Huntress.

Dick: Yeah. Uh…I might be part of the problem. Did I ever tell you about the…book that I pitched?

Maddox: Yeah, you did.

Dick: The next book that I pitched to…

Maddox: Yeah, let's talk about it, yeah.

Roger: Oh, what it is?

Dick: To Simon and Schuster? Yeah. So…you know. My book, Men are Better Than Women. Um…I thought it'd be…I thought everyone would think it was hilarious. (laughs) Big mistake that was! Uh…publishing industry is largely dominated by women. Is that fair? Is that fair?

Maddox: Oh, absolutely.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The publishing industry, not just who runs it, but the people who buy books. Men generally don't buy books.

Dick: Don't buy books. Um, 'cause, you know. I don't know why. Not…not big fans of me and my book.

Roger: Okay.

Dick: Right? Did not…they didn't all think it was funny. So I waited a while and pitched another book to Jeremie Ruby-Strauss. Like, "Hey, I got another book idea. It's a little softer." Right?

Maddox: Our editor, who, by the way, is the reason Dick and are friends. He introduced us.

Dick: Right.

Roger: Huh.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right.

Roger: Didn't know that.

Dick: Yeah. So I said, "Hey, I got another book for you. It's a little bit easier to swallow than the other one. 'Cause I know I don't have a lot of fans there."

Roger: Right.

Dick: You have to walk into a meeting and pitch this.

Maddox: Of course.

Dick: So I'm not gonna…I'm not gonna make you do that again.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…it was…it was "How to Get Laid During the Zombie Apocalypse." This was, like, 5 years ago.

Roger: I think I remember you telling me about that.

Dick: Yeah. It would have been a tongue-in-cheek. Like, it would have been retarded pick up artist advice for when the world is going to shit.

Roger: Right.

Dick: Right? 'Cause that's when you really need it.

Roger: Mhmm.

Dick: You don't need…you can get laid anywhere, now. You just walk around and there's chicks everywhere, but…when there's a zombie apocalypse.

Roger: There was a whole movie about that, wasn't it like, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, or something, and it was all about people hooking up, I think, during the…

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: …the world is ending.

Dick: I mean, but this was years ago. Like, now, it'd be embarrassing to put out.

Roger: Okay.

Dick: 'Cause it's like, yeah. We're all fucking over zombies. Like, fuck, shove it up your ass.

Maddox: You would think.

Dick: You know, me too. I'm surprised it's still around.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh, dude. So I talked about just briefly, iZombie…in my video. You know there's this show called iZombie. Do you know anything about it?

Dick: Nope.

Maddox: It's a zombie detective show! The detective is a zombie. She eats brains and then gets flashes of how they were killed. Fucking stupid as shit.

Dick: (giggles) That's dumb.

Maddox: Dumbest fucking thing I've ever seen.

Roger: I think that should have honestly been your problem.

Maddox: iZombies?

Roger: Just zombie zombies. Instead of the zombie, you know, preppers and all that.

Dick: Change it! Make it zombies!

Maddox: Well, because zombies aren't fucking real and I don't want to contribute to this idea. This notion.

Dick: Oh.

Roger: Okay. I gotta…I gotta be honest with you…

Dick: How about Zombitarian theory?

Roger: I've contributed to the zombie thing. I did it many years ago, actually.

Maddox: You and I did.

Roger: Huh?

Maddox: You and I both.

Roger: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Uh…I'm the founder of the Richmond Zombie Walk, actually.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Which is still going. And, you know, we do charity stuff every year for it. Uh, my buddies Anthony and Josh are still doing that every year. Uh, it's a pretty awesome event.

Maddox: Oh.

Roger: And everyone just gets together and shuffles around and all that.

Maddox: Ohhhhh, buddy! I got a story for you!! I got a story for you guys!

Roger: Alright. Sure.

Maddox: Okay, so Dick, I don't think you and Sean even know this, but…long time ago, when I first met Roger, early on in our friendship. Uh…I've known Roger for a long time.

Roger: Yeah, pretty long now.

Maddox: He…he hit me up, and he's like, "Hey man, uhh…CSI…" (laughs)

Roger: Oh, the CSI. Oh, god, this was great.

Maddox: I'm almost doing my Roger voice. Yeah. "Uh, hey man." (imitates Roger) (they both laugh) So Roger hits me up, he goes, "Hey man."

Roger: "Rooogerrr…"

Maddox: "So uh…CSI New York wants me to organize a zombie walk for their Halloween episode.

Roger: Yep.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: And…they need a bunch of zombies. Do you wanna be an extra in the zombie thing? And I'm like…immediately, no. Because I'm thinking, "Well, this sounds like it's gonna be a long day on set and I'm only gonna get paid, like 12 bucks."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And Roger's, like, "No, they're paying us…"

Roger: (interjects) I'd do it for free.

Maddox: I know.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah, well.

Maddox: But Roger goes, "They're paying us, like, 60 dollars an hour." And I'm like, "Roger, that sounds insanely high. I don't think they're gonna pay us 60 dollars an hour." And he's like, "No, no, they are, they are."

Roger: That was…in email. I remember that.

Maddox: Yeah. And so Roger, like, went…

Dick: (interjects) All of you, together? Like all 100 of you, they would pay 60 dollars an hour?

Maddox: Oh, yeah. I wish. So they…so Roger…Roger, like, went through, and I'm like, "Roger, you gotta…I mean, this doesn't sound right."

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: "They don't pay this much for extra work." And so he double-checked his email.

Roger: And then was, like, when we'd just moved out here, so…

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Yeah, I assumed, like, "Oh, that must be what extras get."

Maddox: Fresh off the boat. (giggles)

Roger: Yep.

Maddox: So he's like, "Yeah, I checked the email. I contacted them. It's 60 dollars an hour."

Roger: And they did say that, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. And then I thought, "Okay, well 60 dollars an hour. That's pretty legit. I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna buy a bunch of makeup stuff for me."

Dick: Oooh.

Maddox: And I'm gonna make my own scars and I'm gonna use oatmeal, and I'm going to…

Dick: (interjects) Why did you decide to do that?

Maddox: Because I wanted to go all out, you know?

Dick: But you're just an extra.

Maddox: Well, yeah, but Roger said if we show up in makeup, they'll give us a little bonus.

Dick: Oh, I see.

Maddox: So I thought, "I'll do a better job of myself than they'll do of me." Um, so I…

Roger: No, that's definitely not gonna happen.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Yeah, but that's how he thinks.

Roger: Yes, I know. I know.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Oh buddy, I looked great. I went out to…a thrift store, and I bought these pants, and I dirtied them up, and I cut them up. (Dick guffaws) and then I bought this, like, flannel shirt. I put latex on my skin. Liquid latex.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Directly on my skin. Which is a BITCH to get out. Especially if you have any hair, and I'm a fucking hairy dude everywhere except my head! So, uh…so I put this latex on my skin and made these scars and everything. Show up. We ended up being on set…I think I showed up at, like, 8 PM. And we ended up leaving around 4 AM.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it was mostly fucking awful. And then I was, like…well I mean, I had fun for a little amount of time, but then, the reality of it kicked in that I'm just stuck in…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: In LA like, dressed, like an asshole.

Dick: But then you get 500 bucks!

Maddox: Hah!! (Roger laughs)

Dick: Right?! 500 bucks, baby!

Roger: No. No.

Maddox: Here comes the best part!

Dick: Show me the idiot who thought they were paying all these people 50 grand for one shot!!

Maddox: Ugh. No. Turns out I got 60 dollars period.

Dick: Of course.

Maddox: Yeah. For like 14 hours of work.

Roger: Yeah. And we called them on it, 'cause the email said specifically, "per hour", and all that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did you get it?

Maddox: Roger, of course.

Roger: No, no.

Maddox: No. They gave us 60 dollars! I spent 120…I think I spent $120 just on my costume!

Roger: Did you show up in the episode? I…

Maddox: I was, yeah.

Roger: For anyone who wants to look it up, the CSI New York episode was called "Boo". Bee-oh-oh.

Maddox: Yeah. I…I do, actually. I have the clip, Roger.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: I think we're both in it. You can see you. You were dressed as a Boy Scout. And me, I was kinda limping along. I did a pretty great job. That was my…that was my film debut! My TV debut was CSI: New York!

Dick: Oh.

Roger: Mhmm.

Dick: Then you went on to Ooga Booga…(they all crack up) Now you're on Cash Floor…

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Which Eastern European cable channel will that be on when it finally airs?! (Sean cracks up)

Maddox: You know, ALL OF THEM. All of them, buddy! You guys are laughing, actually, that might be the case, I dunno.

Dick: Will it have a channel number, or will it be a series of letters?

Maddox: You know what, dickhead?! It'll be on everything. It'll be on everything all the time! I'm gonna fucking pipe it right up your ass in just a minute.

Dick: Oh!! (laughing)

Roger: I do remember, though, they touched up everyone's makeup for this episode.

Dick: Sure.

Roger: And all that.

Maddox: Roger, I walked into that tent, and they're like, "You're good sir. You can step right out." (Dick laughs)

Roger: No, they were not. I know, in fact, you were in the longer than most people were. So I know that's not what they thought.

Maddox: That's 'cause they were, like, taking notes, Roger. They were writing down what my technique was.

Dick: Oh, wow. (laughing)

Roger: For my Boy Scout, one of the things that I snuck in there, and I mean, I didn't know if it would actually show up on the episode, but I…my troop number was 666, and I had brains coming out of there.

Maddox: What a nerd.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: What a nerd.

Roger: It was great. It was great. You loved it.

Dick: I would have tried to have my dick out in the scene. For 60 bucks? Like, "Oh, rolling!" just, like "zip!"

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, man. They asked us…so, it didn't even cross my mind to mug for the camera.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But as soon…they told us not to mug for the camera, and as soon as they said that, I'm like, "Oh, shit, I'm gonna mug for the camera."

Roger: Everyone mugged for the camera. (Maddox laughs) It was like…it was like a zombie march, all just lurching forward trying to get it when we all crawled out in the streets and all.

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, man. And it was such a shit pile production. Those a…fuck those guys, man! (stammers) Yeah. That's what corporations do, dickhead!

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: They have millions of dollars they're making. They can't even pay a few extras!

Roger: He's trying to tie it back into the…

Maddox: ….who are down there pouring their hearts into it!

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Worth more than 60 bucks.

Dick: Sounded like you were real committed. (grins)

Roger: Honestly…honestly, it's…

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, I…

Roger: It's a fun memory. I'm glad we did it. I love that we did it.

Dick: You'da done it for free! You said.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: It's corporations giving you charity!

Roger: Yeah, I was not in that for the money, so.

Maddox: Yeah, that's Roger. That's Roger!

Roger: Yes.

Maddox: That's not world-famous author Maddox!!!! Host of Cash Floor!

Dick: Start of Ooga Booga. (they laugh)

Maddox: Can I…can I tell you…so…so, no…I've never really talked about Ooga Booga.

Dick: For good reason.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, well…(Dick giggles) So, I was at Comic-Con, like, for four, five years ago, and this company…these guys from Full Moon…Full Moon is a production company that makes a lot of classic horror movies.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: They did the Puppetmaster series and everything.

Roger: I love Puppetmaster.

Maddox: Yeah, it's great. It's great.

Roger: Puppetmaster's good.

Maddox: The original Puppetmasters are awesome. And they actually happened to be the production company of one of my favorite horror movies of all time, called Castlefreak.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: Which is…just awesome on different levels.

Dick: That's the movie, Castlefreak?

Maddox: Yeah. It's called Castlefreak.

Roger: Yeah. And they own the rights to all kinds of other movies, too, like, uhhh..

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Roger: Arcade, which stars Seth Green, and they go into, like, this virtual reality horror world, and it's really cheesy early 90's stuff.

Dick: Ohhh.

Roger: All kinds of really bad stuff.

Maddox: They have Ginger…I think Gingerdead Man.

Roger: Gingerdead Man. Evil Bong.

Maddox: Evil Bong, yeah.

Roger: Like, one through eight now, or something ridiculous.

Maddox: And then Evil Bong versus Gingerdead Man.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Is one of 'em. (giggles)

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: Anyway, so they make a bunch of, like, horror movies and B-movies, and stuff. So they come up to me, and they're like, "Hey Maddox, we're huge fans." And I'm like, "Well cool, 'cause I'm huge fans of you guys." And they said, "Do you wanna do a cameo in one of our movies?" and I'm like, "Yeah, that sounds awesome. I'll do a cameo."

Dick: But 60 dollars is my day rate. (they laugh) I don't know if you guys can afford that.

Maddox: 60 dollars per 14-hour day please, yes. (Dick giggles) So then, uh…so then they sent me this script, and…I was thinking I would get, like, a line or two in there. And by the way, they cast, like, some big names in this. It was Karen Black….I think it was Karen Black's last movie. She was the flight attendant from the original Airplane movies?

Dick: Oh, wow! Okay.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, Karen Black was in it. And then, uh, Stacey Keach was in it.

Dick: Oh, he's cool. I like that guy.

Maddox: Yeah. Stacey Keach is the main racist dude from American History X. Like, the older guy.

Dick: Right. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Great, great, great actors. And then me. Uh…(laughs) which…so they sent me this script and I'm…

Dick: (interjects) All-star cast!

Maddox: Yeah. And I'm thinking that this script is gonna be, you know, I have a line or two, or maybe just some background work.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It turned out…they gave me, like, a 15-page role in this movie. (laughs) I was shitting my pants. I told my friend, I'm like, "(stammers) Guy, I'm not an actor. Uh, I don't know what I'm doing…I don't know any of this shit." So I'm, like, freaking out.

Roger: Had you seen a Full Moon movie at that point? 'Cause if you had, you never would have been nervous to begin with. (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Roger, I was…I wasn't worried about that. I was worried more than I was in there with some actual talent like Karen Black and Stacey Keach.

Roger: Oh. Oh, okay.

Dick: Did you have to perform with those two?

Maddox: I was on set with Karen Black, but not Stacey Keach.

Dick: Did you have to do a scene with her?

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: She was…she was in another trailer, and she was, like, doing her own thing, but..

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Uh, yeah. So I did that…I did that movie. And…I…my acting was pretty awful. And…(stammers) I took a friend there with me to the…to the screening.

Roger: I went to the screening with you.

Maddox: Oh yeah, you were there. Yeah.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: And..another one of my friends said…I said, "Well, am I the worst person in this movie?"

Roger: No!

Maddox: She goes, "No, you were the second worst!" (giggles)

Dick: Oh. That's pretty good.

Maddox: Yeah. Which, there was someone else that they thought were worse.

Roger: Honestly, you…I can't fault anyone's acting in a movie with the production values that that had, and, like, the kinda stuff that they were doing in it, though. You can't.

Maddox: Roger, you're a friend. You're a friend and that's very generous of you. But, uh…yeah. That was my first experience in a movie.

Roger: You can't. That…that's what B movies are. They're not known for, like, good acting. Even if you get a great actor in there, they're…they're not really known for it, so, you know. Sometimes if you're lucky, you get a great performance, like, you know, Bruce Campbell in Evil Dead or something back in the day, but..

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Yeah. It's rare.

Maddox: I mean, my acting…my acting on set was,..like, there were some parts where I started delivering lines like Napoleon Dynamite, and I got called on it. (laughs) (Roger laughs) I didn't even realize I was doing it, but, they're like, "You sound kinda like Napoleon." I'm like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah." And then my acting was so bad in one scene that, like, extras and PAs were coming up to me and being like, "Hey man, why don't you try this?" and "Why don't you try that?"

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, alright. Gimme your notes. Gimme your notes. See, I'm a…I don't have ego when it comes to shit like that. If I don't know what I'm doing, I'll take notes and I'll just…I'll apply it.

Roger: Ohhh.

Dick: But when you know what you're talking about…(Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. You shut the fuck up!!! Like, Professor Maddox. When you pay attention to me playing video games, I know what I'm doing!

Dick: Hey, uh…speaking of video games, when are you posting that Smash Brothers clip?

Maddox: Oh yeah, I gotta edit it. Uh…yeah. I'll do it.

Dick: Mmkay.

Maddox: I gotta edit it.

Dick: I'm not forgetting.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: That.

Maddox: No.

Dick: I dunno if you're trying to sneak it away.

Maddox: Dick…Dick…definitely won during the Smash Brothers clip.

Roger: What is this?

Dick: We had a Smash Brothers fight. To see who's better at video games.

Roger: Oh, he…he thinks he's the best at every video game.

Maddox: No, I know I am, Roger.

Dick: Well, he's not.

Roger: All I ever see…all I ever see you do is lose. (Dick chuckles)

Maddox: Roger…I kick your ass so fucking hard.

Roger: What did I say? Every time he's annoyed with me! "Roooogerrrr…" (Maddox laughs) Every time.

Maddox: (Roger impression) "He thinks he's so good at video games." That's my Roger voice. (Roger giggles)

Dick: So what's your…is your problem zombies? I think it should just be zombies.

Maddox: Zombie…zombie apocalypse planners, man.

Dick: Ugh, but…we're never gonna talk about zombies again!

Roger: See, that's why he's gonna lose this episode, 'cause he's not doing zombies.

Dick: But everybody HATES zombies!

Roger: If he did zombies, people…

Dick: Right?!

Roger: Yeah.

Sean: It's a not a contest, Roger!!

Maddox: Yeah, Roger.

Roger: Yeah, it's not a contest…

Dick: It's interesting, though. Don't you wanna see how much people hate zombies? Like, is it a bigger problem than Piss Driblets?

Roger: Bring it up a different time.

Maddox: I feel like I'm getting tricked. You know what? I'll decide by the time the episode goes live, I'll decide. Um, but yeah…

Roger: You're not committing to it. They're not gonna vote for it if you don't commit.

Maddox: I don't give a shit!

Dick: Yeah, you gotta commit.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't give a shit.

Roger: Believe in your argument. What are you…what are you fighting for?

Maddox: Fine. Fine. You know what? I'm going to go with Zombies. I'm going to go with Zombie Apocalypse Planners. (saying both as though it will be edited in post)

Dick: Oh, you piece of shit! (Maddox cracks up) You piece of shit, Maddox!

Roger: Editing in post, is that what that was?

Dick: You fucking asshole!! (Maddox still cackling) You are such a scumbag!!!

Roger: Sean, shouldn't you have the final edit?

Sean: I'm gonna cut one of those out.

Roger: So he won't have to announce it.

Dick: No, no! Leave 'em both in, but post both of them somewhere!!

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: That's fine.

Dick: Oh, you fuck!

Maddox: It'll be fine. I won't edit that. Don't worry about it.

Roger: Yeah, right.

Dick: Yeaaaah.

Maddox: Hey, speaking of Smash.

Roger: Scumbag.

Maddox: Smash Brothers and smashing things. Let's smash open these fortune cookies that Roger brought us, huh?

Roger: Oh, yeah.

Dick: What'd you bring us? Tell us what they are.

Roger: These are…these are black Halloween fortune cookies. I gave 'em out in my Halloween pack this year.

Maddox: Uh, Roger, please, African American.

Dick: Hey, so what's an article on your site that people…

(Sound effect: Audience laugh track)

Dick: Fucking…(Maddox giggles) That people would want to go look at now?

Roger: Uh…by now, uh…by the time this podcast airs, my annual guide to the Halloween candies of 2015 will be up, and that's where I taste test every single new candy that's out on the market right now and give my thoughts on it.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: What was the best candy?

Roger: Uh-huh. You want me to spoil it?

Dick: Well, give me…

Maddox: Give us a tease.

Dick: Give us a tease, so I want to go to the site.

Roger: One of my favorite ones this year is Three Muskefears.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: Oh, God.

Roger: It's like they hired the Cryptkeeper…

Dick: (interjects) Nevermind. Nevermind. (laughs)

Roger: It's like they hired the Cryptkeeper to name their candy and I think it's hilarious.

Maddox: Speaking of…I opened up my fortune, it says, "Beware. They're right behind you." (laughs)

Dick: That's what mine says too.

Maddox: Really?! (laughing)

Dick: What the fuck kind of shitty fortune cookies are these?

Maddox: Roger…

Roger: Mine…mine says, "The night may be frightful, but friends are delightful." (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: That's like a Christmas thing! (laughs)

Roger: I know. (laughing) "The weather outside is…"

Dick: (interjects) Sean, what's yours say?

Sean: Mine says, "If the broom fits…fly it high." (they all crack up)

Dick: Wooooooooooowww!!! (Maddox laughs) Ohohoooooooo!!! That's spooky.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Roger: Aren't you glad I brought those?

Maddox: Alright guys.

Roger: Yes.

Maddox: My problems this week…my problem was Zombie Apocalypse Planners, or Zombies.

(Closing riff starts)

Dick: You piece of shit. My problem is Haunted Shit.

Roger: And my problem is Halloween Deserving Days Off.

Maddox: There you go. Alright, guys. Thanks for listening.

Roger: Thank you!!

Dick: Go to http://www.i-mockery.com. I dash Mockery?

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: To see more of Roger Barr.

Roger: It's, uh…http://www.i-mockery.com. Absolutely. Um…doing the two months of Halloween celebration and all that. And I'm @imockery on Twitter. If you want to follow me on there.

Dick: Thanks for coming by.

Roger: Thank you.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys. This is James from Japan. Maddox. WHAT THE FUCK?"

Maddox: Oh, God. (groans)

"You had an actual libertarian agendist sitting across from you the entire time… (Maddox giggles) and you couldn't shut up for four fucking minutes to let him explain what are a libertarian. (they all laugh) and by the way, gold standard is not people just carrying around gold all the time…

Maddox: Yes it is…you shithead.

"…you fucking idiot."

Maddox: It's gold backing up the currency. And I looked it up. And it's fucking insane!

"Dick, go fuck yourself.")

Dick: No, it's literally carrying around gold. That's what we wanna do.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, No, it is!!!

Dick: That's what libertarians wanna do.

Maddox: (stammers) I went to, like, every…

Dick: (interjects) Like Scrooge McDuck.

Maddox: Every libertarian website I went to…it said, like, talked about the gold standard. You guys are fucking insane! Gold…the gold standard is a shitty economic model.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey Dick…you wanna know the secret to quit shittin' your pants?"

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox chuckles)

"Stick a finger in your buttttttt…")

(they all giggle)

Dick: I don't think that's a secret.

Maddox: (laughing) That's been like, three episodes now where he's called in and…

Dick: (interjects) No, that's not the same guy.

Maddox: Oh really? (giggles)

Sean: No, it's…it's…

Dick: No, it's a different guy.

Sean: Yeah. It's spawned.

Maddox: Oh. That's the new "get raped". (giggles) "Stick a finger in your butt." (laughs)

Roger: What, someone calls in and says that every episode?

Dick: Everybody says "get raped". That's the catchphrase for our show. (giggles)

Maddox: It came from…

Dick: (interjects) Beautifully.

Maddox: It came from YouTube, uh…during our live episodes. I noticed that some guy was consistently commenting to people who were criticizing us…

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: With just "get raped".

Roger: Oh.

Maddox: And then I read a comment where somebody was like, "Hey, this episode was pretty good. I thought you guys did a good job. You should do more of these." And he still commented, "get raped", so it just became…

Roger: Yeah. I'm surprised you're not making shirts that say that for the…

Maddox: (Sean laughs) Yeah. (giggles)

(Voice mail: male voice: (inhales) (imitating Maddox's dorky voice) "Meeeeeh bleeeh nyeeeeh nyeeeeeeeeeeeh. Neeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyh. Neeeeeeeebleeelbelblele."

Dick: Lot of Maddox impressions.

"(blows raspberry)…Blehmmnyyreh. (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: I think this is you, though, Dick.

Dick: I don't think so…

"(continues) Ugggggh…nyeeeeeeehlbeeeeeeehhsljleeeeeeeeemaaaaaaaaane bleeeh. Nyeeeeh. Beeeeeettttttdddddddeeeeeeeduhh. (they all laugh) Dunudeeeeeeeeh. Bleeeeeh. Nyeeeeeeeeeh. (it continues on……..) Eeeeeeeeeeh. (gags) BLEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH (coughing and gagging) Dick, you're a cool guy.")

(Sean chuckles)

Dick: That definitely wasn't me.

(Sound effect: Baby laugh)

Maddox: Good. Good voicemail.

(Voice mail: male voice: "…Maddox describing a homeowner's association (Dick laughs) as a small government reminding me of that quote from Zoolander where they show him the model..."

Maddox: You guys are such morons! (sighs)

"Of the school, and he gets mad, and he's like, "What is this, a school for ants?"

Maddox: Suuuuuuuuuuuch idiots. (Sean laughs)

"It's not literally about a government being small…it's about it being unintrusive."

Maddox: Yes, you fucking idiot! Because there's no correlation, right? You fuck.

"Homeowner's association telling you what to put on your door is very intrusive."

Maddox: Oh, it's very intrusive.

"I'm not libertarian, I think they're all stupid, but…"

Maddox: Yet it's a free market…

"You don't have to be a bigger jackass to prove that they're jackasses.")

(Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Great. It's a free market device, shithead! The free market left to its own devices created homeowner's associations! That's not a government institution, that's a free market institution.

Dick: You know…(sighs) We didn't get into why that episode got off track. I think we should talk about that next week.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I would like to…I would like to go over how that…'cause I think you could have brought that in and really nailed it, 'cause a lot of people hate libertarians.

Maddox: I know! I didn't…I didn't bring in all these stats…like, I brought in, seriously. This episode I have four pages of shit to talk about.

Dick: Oh, okay. (scoffs)

Maddox: Like the homeowner's association thing? Are you fucking kidding me? Yeah. It's a free market device. Well anyway, I already said that. I'm just repeating myself.

Dick: The device…the device, they're in favor of. But there's…

Maddox: (interjects) Libertarians aren't in favor of that! Libertarians are in favor of homeowner's associations?

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. No. no. no. Because a homeowner's association is just MORE government. That's like saying we put a government in your government, 'cause we heard you like being governed while you're being governed. Like, they just do more things. It's not smaller.

Maddox: So we should…we should ban them.

Dick: No, that would be additional intrusion.

Maddox: Let's ban them. Ohhhhh, it's additional intrusion.

Roger: Hmmm.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Here's the…here's the problem, though, Dick. Um, without homeowner's associations, and I fucking hate them, but without them, they exist to make sure that your neighbors don't leave fucking junk on their yard.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. That's not why they exist.

Maddox: That…(stammers) that IS, because the next thing you know…

Dick: (interjects) No!! They exist to keep…to take care of common areas.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: Like, there's common areas in a condo or in a neighborhood, there's like a little park.

Roger: (interjects) But they also…they enforce other stuff.

Maddox: They do.

Dick: Yeah, they do!

Roger: They wanna make sure that you have, you know, like, the same grass as your neighbors in some places.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And that…when they start doing that, that's when a libertarian would say, "Now you're telling people too much stuff of what to do."

Roger: Right.

Dick: Take care of the basic goods.

Maddox: But what happens…but what happens if your neighbor wants to just burn garbage on his front lawn?

Dick: But that's illegal.

Maddox: Can nobody come in…ohhhhhh, but…(stammers)

Dick: That's already illegal.

Maddox: But let's not make it…

Roger: That's not gonna be…

Maddox: That's big government telling you that you can't burn junk on your yard!

Roger: No, the police take care of that. That's not the responsibility of the homeowner.

Dick: Yeah, that's not…if you murder your wife, an HOA isn't gonna..

Maddox: (interjects) Libertarians don't want that, Roger!!

Dick: …arrest you!!

Maddox: But libertarians are like, "Hey, if you're not bothering anyone, go ahead and put garbage on your front lawn!" That's what libertarians want!

Dick: No, libertarians would say…

Sean: He's still on the "libertarians believe this".

Dick: They don't believe in burning garbage.

Roger: No.

Maddox: Oh yeah? (grins)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But…isn't it…

Dick: (interjects) They believe in burning down the fed.

Maddox: You have…you have…the right to life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, and your property. And you should do anything you want, as long as it's not hurting anyone, right?

Roger: Oh, my God.

Sean; Don't…you don't want the answer. You just wanna be right.

Dick: I'm out. I'm out. (cracks up)

Maddox: There's no…there's no difference, Sean. (Dick cackles) What's the…okay, go ahead…what's the answer?

Dick: What's the answer?

Maddox: I don't wanna be accused of sandbagging you. What's the answer?

Dick: Vote Trump.

Maddox: Okay. (they all crack up except Maddox) There you go. That's..

(file cuts off)