Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 73

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.

(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Anti-Intellectuals to Pseudo-Intellectuals.

Dick: Ohhhhh. (snarky grin)

Maddox: With over 4 million downloads, this is the only show where we discuss every problem in the universe. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick.

Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy!? (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hey!

Dick: Did we discuss pseudo…I'm sorry, I stepped on you, Sean. Did we discuss pseudo-intellectuals?

Maddox: No, not yet.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Not yet! "Yet" is the operative word there.

Dick: I'm gonna bring that in! 'Cause I'm real annoyed by pseudo-intellectuals! (grins)

Maddox: Oh, you're a real annoying pseudo-intellectual, buddy. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Alright, how'd we do?

(Sound effect: Drum roll)

Maddox: Last week…Human Robots!

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Came in the number one problem, followed by Man Buns.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: I'm ashamed Man Buns even made it on the list. You know what? Man buns should be a problem, but it's one of those annoyance problems.

Dick: No, no, no. Because it's making the finest of our men…the most virile, the strongest, the most handsomest of our men, bald.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: And that's, like…that's worse than death, being bald.

Maddox: Oh, I…(laughs)

Dick: I'm gonna bring it in at some point, so we can see. I mean…

Maddox: Yeah, no. I mean, there are definitely exceptions to that rule of the most handsomest and the most virile men who are going bald, Dick.

Dick: Absolutely not.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Do you know how many people sent me the picture of Donald Trump with a man bun?

Maddox: Yeah, that was funny.

Dick: By the way.

Maddox: That was funny.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I got pregnant. I had to get a morning after pill 'cause I got so many of those pictures. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: I don't believe that. I don't believe you would get a morning after pill. You'd have that baby to full term. Uh, yeah. So human robots came in and I got a comment, Dick, from one Joseph Forsythe. He says, "Maddox, one of those egregious parts of the Human Robots problem are when these people get into school systems." Yeah. He says, "There are many examples of students being acutely punished for getting caught up in zero tolerance policies that teachers, principals, and school administrators enforce without a second thought. Also, there's more than enough evidence that being a human robot creates more problems than it solves in school systems, and that goes double for when police and justice systems adopt similar policies." So, I…and then he posted all these links to all these zero tolerance policies that schools enacted.

Dick: Are you gonna read the links off so we can write them down?

Maddox: The..why, the…

Dick: (interjects) I'm kidding. Please don't.

Maddox: The URLs?

Dick: Yeah, no.

Maddox: Um, one of them…one in particular, about a billion people sent this one to me, was from uh… about uh…or, actually, this one's from a high school student. Or another one…some kid, like, took a razor away. Some kid was threatening to use a razor in school. The kid…some kid intervened and took the razor away so the kid couldn't harm other kids?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And the kid who took the razor away got in trouble.

Dick: There…yeah. That's…ridiculous.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um…how about the kid who ate a cracker in the shape of a gun.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And was using it to shoot at people. Uh…he got suspended. Or expelled, or something like that.

Maddox: Yeah. Right. So this…

Dick: (interjects) How about sexual harassment?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: In, like, kindergartens? But…I think that's more of a zero tolerance thing than a human robot.

Maddox: That's human robots, Dick!

Dick: Yeah, but those…

Maddox: (interjects) Zero tolerance is human robots! Zero tolerance! No mistakes, no exceptions! We have to follow the rule to the tee.

Dick: Yeah, but if you don't do that, you're fired. That's the problem with that.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Like, that's why they have…like, a judge has a mandatory sentencing law. He can't deviate from it.

Maddox: Dick…Dick. Uh, we're talking…look. You're conflating judge…the legal system, which judges do pretty much have to go by the book. And actually, not really, 'cause judges can give you any sentence they want, essentially. You can try and overturn it. Really, there is no rule that can't be bent or broken, including the one that you just said, that they would get fired if they broke those rules. That's not true. Because the principal could then also use his or her common sense, and maybe this doesn't even have to escalate to the point where the principal has to intervene about a kid who chewed his cracker into the shape of a gun.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The example that everyone sent me over the weekend…

Dick: (interjects) I agree that it's a big problem, by the way. I mean, hopefully zero tolerance policies will be a bigger problem when that's eventually brought in. That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: No, it's…

Dick: (interjects) Not even that.

Maddox: Zero tolerance is the same thing, though. Zero tolerance is the same thing as human robots.

Dick: I guess we'll see then, buddy.

Maddox: Zero tolerance.

Dick: Wanna put some dough on this one?

Maddox: No. 'Cause it's the same…

Dick: Put some money on it?

Maddox: I think it's the same problem.

Dick: You're just back from Vegas. You wanna bet? (Maddox laughs) You wanna do some gambling on this problem?

Maddox: Ahh, I did alright in Vegas this week, buddy.

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: I'm up…I'm up $46!

Dick: Oh yeah?

Maddox: Here's how I gamble. I hate gambling. I think it's a waste of time and money. Especially the latter. And…

Dick: It's true.

Maddox: I gamble…sometimes I'm passing buy and I'm…I got a few minutes to spare. I'll throw in a dollar. Like, one dollar. There you go. And there's my dollar. I threw it in. I won at, uh…Keno. You know what Keno is?

Dick: Yeah, I know…I know what Keno is.

Maddox: Lot of people…you know, people outside the US might not be familiar with Keno. It's…it's basically, you got a grid of 100 numbers and you're guessing, 5 or 6 numbers.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If all of 'em hit, you get a bunch of money.

Dick: It's like Bingo, except it's not for old people, it's for truck drivers and hookers.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Basically, right?

Maddox: Essentially, yeah.

Dick: That's what it is.

Maddox: Yeah. Um, anyway…anyway, man. One of the links that everyone sent me over the weekend was this kid in Utah. Was having a coughing fit. A…the kid couldn't breathe.

Dick: Oh, I read…I saw this one.

Maddox: And she wanted to use her inhaler, and the teachers wouldn't let the kid use the fuckin' inhaler.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause they said, "Oh, well we need to make sure that this medication is approved. Blablabla." (Dick laughs) They…the child could've died while they're sitting there, enforcing this bureaucratic, shithead policy, which nobody…even after the fact, nobody…nobody said, "Oh, good job, teachers. Way to enforce that policy."

Dick: Way to go! You nailed it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You never seen an inhaler before? (grins) What do you do if you're the dad in that scenario?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm asking you. What do..

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, if m…

Dick: You…you gotta punch somebody, right?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're torturing your kid in class?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Somebody's gotta get hit for that. But you…you what? You go to jail now? Is that the world we're in?

Maddox: Zero…

Dick: (interjects) That's human robots?! (irritated)

Maddox: Zero…zero tolerance, Dick. You gotta go to jail. You punched a teacher. You gotta go to jail. Right?

Dick: What if you pay, like, a kid to do it?!

Maddox: See, there you go! Now you're thinking like me. You bend the rules a little bit.

Dick: Yeah, yeah.

Maddox: Guys, if you're not breaking a law every now and then, you're not doing it right.

Dick: Uh, Mike Scrimshaw…I think he disagreed with you. "The problem isn't human robots, it's entitled dickheads like Maddox."

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, I read this comment! Let's hear this shit! (angry) (Dick laughs) Let's hear this shitty comment!

Dick: "You've clearly never worked in customer service."

Maddox: Yeah, clearly. (irritated)

Dick: "Or you would know that people like you are the bane of our fucking existence." You DO work in customer service, though, 'cause you do all the customer service for your website.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: "Everyone thinks they deserve to be the lone exception, whether it's the guy at the bar who left his ID at home but is totally 21." That's another great human robot thing. They're carding, like…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You'll see a 70-year-old man get carded.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: At a bar. It's like, "What the fuck's wrong with you?"

Maddox: I remember one time, and I want you to finish this comment, but I remember one time, I went to a theater in Utah to see the South Park movie.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And I remember it was really controversial because they thought that the movie should have been NC-17, so Utah theaters wanted to ban the movie. And there was this guy who came into the movie with his date, right? The guy was like, 40, 43, something like that, and his date was like, late 30s. 37, maybe.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: You know, 37, 38. Clearly a woman. An adult woman. She didn't have her ID on her and the guy did. (Dick laughs)

Dick: So they couldn't see the South Park movie?! (laughing)

Maddox: They wouldn't let…(Dick cackles)…they wouldn't let them in! And so the guy said, "Okay. Okay, then she's my daughter and I'm her legal guardian, and I'm gonna let her in, idiot!"

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: And he still wouldn't let him!

Dick: Oh, they needed to see ID for that!

Maddox: Yeah, they wanted to see ID to make sure that he was her parent or legal guardian. It's like…you guys…first of all, fuck off. And second, use your judgment!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Anyway. What else…read the rest of this message, 'cause this guy's a shithead. Let's hear it.

Dick: "Or the woman who wants her meal cooked with a thousand little substitutions because they did it for me three years ago." Yeah, but I…you know what, that substitution thing? I'm just like, "Fuck you, do it."

Maddox: No.

Dick: No?!

Maddox: No.

Dick: You're anti-substitution?

Maddox: I'll tell you a story after this.

Dick: Okay. "Businesses have rules because they've deemed them the most efficient way to do things." Well, fuck them. "And when you expect everything to come to a grinding halt to make your life a little more convenient, then you're acting just as selfish as some stonewalling vegan."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: There's a lot more, I'm not gonna read the rest of it.

Maddox: Yeah, I remember reading that comment, Dick. I actually replied to him. See, everything he said…

Dick: (interjects) They're just doing their jobs. That's what he's saying.

Maddox: Yeah. They're just…

Dick: (interjects) They're just doing their jobs. They're not in a position to change the rules.

Maddox: Yeah. That's exactly the Nuremburg Defense. That is precisely the Nuremberg Defense.

Dick: I suppose it is.

Maddox: Just doing their jobs. Just doing their jobs. And by the way, nice strawmanning in that debate. So he's saying, (goofy voice) "Uh, Maddox, when you want exceptions for every little thing that someone wants to customize in their restaurant, or not having their ID in a bar." Dickhead! That's not the example I gave. I gave an example where literally nothing would have changed if he let me on the bus four blocks earlier. NOTHING would have changed.

Dick: Um, yeah. You wanna hear some voicemails?

Maddox: Yeah.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Yeah, this is Dave from New Hampshire. Maddox, I just thought it was really clever the way you repackaged Reverend Scott's Dick Versus Dick there into Amnesia Dick or whatever it was. Like, you totally turned it into a totally different thing. (they laugh) Um, very impressive. Uh, I actually…you inspired me to create my own podcast. It's gonna be called, um…"What is the Biggest Problem in the Universe?"

Maddox: Uh-huh. (annoyed) (Dick cackles)

"Um…and I think it should do pretty good. Let me know if you got any advice or anything for me… (Dick laughs) and, yeah, Dick go fuck yourself!")

Dick: Aww. (sighs) (Maddox sighs) Fuck!

Maddox: Yeah, I got some advice for you, dude. Uh, fuck off. How about that? Start there. Start there. Fuck…not just part of the way off, allll the way off.

Dick: Oh, all the way off.

Maddox: All the way off. I want that guy to fuck all the way off. Here's the thing. Um, I created that new bit. It's called Dick: Instant Amnesia.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Because it's different.

Dick: And that's the bit where you take audio clips you've already used in another bit…

Maddox: No.

Dick: That someone sent.

Maddox: No, no. no.

Dick: And you reuse them.

Maddox: First of all. First of all, Dick, I came up with the Dick Versus Dick bit, right? So if someone uses the Dick Versus Dick bit…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: It's a bit that I created.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And so, I can't be accused of ripping off myself.

Dick: But you already did it. It's like a rerun, kind of…

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: With a different name.

Maddox: No, it's different. And I'll tell you why..

Dick: (interjects) It's like they took Saved by the Bell and put it with Zack introducing it, but the old Miss Bliss stuff.

Maddox: So…so last episode, we were supposed to…

Sean: (interjects) And you CAN be accused of ripping off yourself.

Dick: Yeah, you totally can.

Maddox: Well, yeah. But it doesn't hold. I mean, I don't even know what the means. To rip off yourself.

Sean: Jon Fogerty was sued by Saul Zaentz for ripping off himself, because Saul Zaentz owed the Fantasy Record stuff and Fogerty was on another label…

Maddox: Yeah, but those are two people, Sean. We're not…we're talking about one person.

Sean: No, no, no, no!

Maddox: I know, but that's a rights issue. The…they're fighting for the rights. I know that case.

Sean: Saul Zaentz accused Jon Fogerty of plagiarizing himself. How's that different?

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: We can accuse you of plagiarizing yourself. (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: The difference is, Sean. The difference is, Sean…because he owned the copyright to that…that…excuse me, it was either the song, or the album, or whatever.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: So he owned the copyright to it and then he spun off and did his own thing, and then he got sued for ripping off "himself".

Sean: That's right.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which is…I dunno what happened to that lawsuit, but essentially, that's a rights issue.

Dick: Is this an apology that you're making to Reverend Scott for ripping off his bit, right now?

Maddox: No, I acknowledged…

Sean: (interjects) How is this stuff copyrighted?

Maddox: Anyway. Um, last episode, we were supposed to record the normal episode.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Excuse me, we were supposed to record…yeah. The normal episode, and then the bonus episode, so I introduced this bit.

Dick: So we did.

Maddox: No, I…I had intended to introduce the bit in a different order.

Dick: Ohhh!!

Maddox: Uh, because I had a different…I had a different version of it.

Dick: It got all messed up?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And I specifically…I specifically wanted to draw a contrast to…this is not a Dick Versus Dick, this is INSTANT amnesia.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Which is like…when you contradict yourself within, like, 1 to 5 minutes. That's the difference here.

Dick: Well, I think it's more like I forgot what I just said. 'Cause that's the title of the bit. Contradicting it would be…right?

Maddox: Yeah…oh, okay. You forgot what you just said, yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But I think what most people saw, though, is just replayed audio.

Maddox: Ummmmm, I mean…(stammers) here's some more replayed audio, Dick. (Dick giggles)

(Dick: "Three little words." "I got a stats for you.")

(Dick cracks up)

Maddox: I mean, there's like…

(Sound effect: Fart)

Maddox: There's lots of replayed audio on this show, Dick.

(Sound effect: 'Wrong' buzzer)

Dick: Alright. Alllllright. Uh…you wanna hear one more? Somebody sent in a song.

(Song starts, funky beat:

Dick: (yelling) "Fuck you. Fuck your bandwidth! Fuck your ISP."

Dick: (yelling) "If it entertains me…if it amuses me for a little bit…"

Dick: (yelling) "Beam Trailer Park Boys into SPACE 24 hours a day!! Where no one's gonna watch it!"

Dick: (yelling) "I'm the customer!! I don't care!! Fuck you!!"

(bass drop)

Dick: (yelling) "Come on, WHAT?!" "Or!!" "That's crazy!!" "Stupid button."

"Come on." "WHAT?!" "Come on." "WHAT?!"

"You motherfucker."


"But it's not the Ghostbusters!"

"This guy actually doesn't own this photo, it belongs to a FUCKING MONKEY?!"

"Come on." "WHAT?!"

"I got shit all over." (beat continues)

"Come on."

"Oh, my God!"

"Come on." "WHAT?!" "WHAT?!"

"Of course!" "She can smell it!"


"Come on." "WHAT?!"

"You know what…" (Maddox starts laughing)

"You know what I love about these Dick Versus…"

"These chicken shit nutless Dick Versus Dick out of contest horseshit bits that you do!!" (Maddox cracking up)

"You're like a fucking child!" "You're like a fucking child busting your dad's balls!"

"How dare they."


"Come on." "WHAT?!"

"The government."

"So what does that tell you?"

"I'm probably drunk…or high."


"Come on." "WHAT?!"

"I am RIGHT!"

(Sound clip: "Well, that's unfortunate.")

"Hate it so much."

"I'm crazy."

"Come on." "WHAT?!"

"You motherfucker."


(Maddox cracks up)

"I can't jerk off enough times in a day to get rid of this rage!"

"Yeah, I'm gonna go have a heart attack." (song ends))

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: Good song. Who…who did that?

Dick: Uh…Jacob Segren.

Maddox: Jacob Segren.

Dick: Jacob Segren.

Maddox: Yeah. Funny song.

Dick: You wanna hear a shitty voice mail on me?

Maddox: Let's hear it.

Dick: This guy doesn't like me.

Maddox: Well, let's hear it. (snorts)

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hi. I'm just calling to say that first of all, I mean…Dick, go fuck yourself. (giggles) Second of all, your grammar just makes me want to fucking cut my balls off. (Dick snorts) And third, Maddox, I love you. Take it easy, guys.")

Dick: There you go.

Maddox: Was that Angelo's mom?

Dick: It sounds like her, but I don't know. (it doesn't sound like her)

Maddox: Sounds like her. Yeah.

Dick: Sounded like a local call. Alright. You wanna get into some problems?

Maddox: Um, I have one more comment I want to read. This ones from Dylan Gentry. Okay. So, since last episode, Dick, I released my…my video about self-checkout lanes.

Dick: Ooooooh.

Maddox: And, uh…yeah. So, who was that guy? I wanna find out his name. Remember the guy who said he would give me his…he would empty his account?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: If I posted a video?

Dick: He's been criticizing it on Twitter.

Maddox: Oh. Oh, great. Let him criticize it. Because here's the thing. Every single defense of that self-checkout lane boils down to this. They say, "Maddox, if you don't use..if you don't buy any produce, if you don't buy any meat. If you don't buy any deli items. If you don't buy anything that doesn't have a bar code. If you only buy things that are heavy enough for the thing to scan. And if you don't buy too many things, they work great." Well, shitheads. That's exactly my criticism of self-checkout lanes, is that they have all these conditions for them to work! And even then, they don't work. As evidenced in that video that I posted. So I got this guy…his name is…well, you know, I can't read his name, because you'll see why. He says, "Dear Maddox. After watching your video and listening to Episode 8, in which you express your hatred of self-checkout lanes, I realized that I had been using these devices exclusively for months, if not years, at my local grocery store. In fact, I couldn't remember the last time I went through a checkout lane staffed by an actual human, and your critique had me questioning the efficiency and convenience I had taken for granted. So yesterday, as I made a stop at Fred Meyer…" Have you ever heard of Fred Meyer?

Dick: No.

Maddox: It's a big store in Utah. It's kinda like…it's kinda like a Walmart, but it's kind of like a local Wal-Mart. Like, you have a grocery store, and automotive, and electronics all in one. Um, he said, "I stopped by a Fred Meyer to pick up a few things. I decided to test your theory. It was about 6 PM and the store was packed with shoppers. I made my way through the aisles, selecting my items, and made sure to include at least one alcoholic beverage and one "embarrassing item" in case…"

Dick: What is that?

Maddox: What's that?

Dick: What's an embarrassing item.

Maddox: Oh, he said, "In this case, it was jock itch spray, which, unfortunately, I actually needed." (laughs)

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: So he got some jock itch spray, some alcohol, and then a few other items. "At the front of the store, there were 12 self-checkout machines and one helpless attendant scrambling around, checking IDs, helping people weigh their fruit, clearing error messages, etc. It's a full-on shitshow. And what's worse is that people are waiting in line to use them. Meanwhile, less than 20 feet away, literally half a dozen human cashiers are standing at the end of their lanes, asking passing shoppers if they are ready to check out. I picked the youngest, cutest, most femalest-looking one, and zipped into her lane. Within seconds, I had dropped my items on the conveyor, swiped my debit card, and waiting to approve the total as she scanned and bagged my items for me. We even made small talk, which I actually kind of welcomed in an age where 99% of my social interaction takes place on a smartphone. Even with checking my ID for the beer, the whole process took less than 2 minutes." Blablabla. "Anyway, man. Lesson learned. Self-checkout lanes are for suckers and they should be eradicated from this Earth. Maddox, thank you for opening my eyes. Love the podcast." Etc, etc. Anyway. Yeah.

Dick: Changed that guy's life.

Maddox: But, remember, Dick, you brought in…you hate when people at bars sit around fiddling on their smart phones, right?

Dick: Yeah. It annoys me.

Maddox: Why?

Dick: Uh, because they're totally removed from the experience, and it means I'm there drinking by myself, which I could do at home.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But…(stammers) when you go to a self-checkout lane, it's also one less interaction that you have with a human being.

Dick: I suppose so.

Maddox: Yeah. Some people in the comments were saying,(goofy voice) "Hey Maddox, uhh…it's just an opportunity for me to avoid talking to another human being." Guys, if you have social anxiety disorder, get some counselling! Get some therapy. Self-checkout lanes aren't the help. Self-checkout lanes aren't the solution.

Dick: Well…this guy followed your advice.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Turned out better. You might meet somebody, guys. You might go on a date, just by buying groceries.

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Hitting on girls while they're at work? I'm not even a big enough scumbag to do that.

Maddox: (scoffs) Get outta here!

Dick: No, I don't hit on girls where they work. I don't.

Maddox: Oh. (skeptical)

Dick: I don't!

Maddox: Dick, you are…you don't go to a bar…and I won't say the name of it, but you specifically won't go to a bar because you fucked…you hooked up with someone there.

Dick: First of all…multiple bars.

Maddox: There you go!

Dick: And they hit on me first!

Maddox: Ohh, okay.

Dick: I always wait for them.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: I don't hit on girls at work.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: It's creepy! You got 'em cornered. Like, they gotta keep coming back to you no matter what you do or say.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I just get a bad feeling about it.

Maddox: Alright. Well, those are all the comments I got. You wanna get to a problem?

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: What do you got?!

Dick: My first problem is…can I get a drumroll for this one? 'Cause it's a big problem.

Maddox: Here you go.

Dick: And everyone's gonna hate me after I say it.

(Sound effect: Drumroll)

Dick: The Pope!

Maddox: Ohhhh, the Pope.

Dick: The Pope. The new Pope. Should I say "the new Pope"?

Maddox: Pope Francis. Because when people…

Dick: (interjects) Well, Pope friendly...go ahead.

Maddox: (interjects) When people listen to this 200 years from now, they'll say, "Which new Pope? What are you talking about?" It's Pope Francis. That's who you're talking about.

Dick: Oh, not like Pope Gizorbizorg, or something like that?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: (clears throat) Yeah. Pope Francis.

Maddox: Pope…Pope Maddox, maybe?

Dick: I wanna call him the Pope, though.

Maddox: Yeah, he's the Pope.

Dick: 'Cause he seems like the p…you know what? This Pope's really pissing me off.

Maddox: Why?

Dick: He came to…he came to the US. He goes up in Congress and starts just telling us how to run our business.

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Right? That's the point of his address, right?

Maddox: Okay. Like what?

Dick: Is he gets up there…he gets up there and tells us what to do about everything.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What to do about climate change. What to do about immigration. What to do about all these things. And I'm sitting here thinking, like, "What the fuck is this?" "Who is this person who is not a part of this country?" This is, like, the first time a Pope has ever done this, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Come to our government and told US how to run things.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: It annoyed me.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Well, what?

Maddox: No. I wanna hear your whole grievance. I wanna hear what beef you have with him.

Dick: Well, I went down all of his lists…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And I find him to be massively hypocritical.

Maddox: Mmmkay.

Dick: In all these things he's telling us.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Like, umm…let's start with the environment one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'll read you what he…I'll read his quote from the…I think this is one from…(inaudible) "I call for a courageous and responsible effort to redirect our steps and avert the most serious effects of the environmental deterioration caused by human activity." Right? "I'm convinced that we can make a difference. I have no doubt the United States and this Congress has an important role to play." So big old…you better fix the environment, you guys.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's a huge problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um…how about…how about, Popey? (Maddox giggles) If you wanna be a part of the solution and not on the problem list? How about you start encouraging a little bit of birth control? How about that?

Maddox: He has.

Dick: No, that was…what do you mean, are you talking about condoms?

Maddox: Pope Francis…has softened the Catholic stance on birth control.

Dick: In what way?

Maddox: Well, specifically, I have a quote here. He says, "We cannot insist only on issues related to abortion, gay marriage, and the use of contraceptive methods. It is not necessary to talk about these issues all the time." He told Catholics to kinda chill out about the whole condom thing, and…

Dick: See, but this is why…this is why I don't like him. This is why he rubs me the wrong way.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because he's saying these things. These statements.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That people TAKE to mean he's, like, approving of gay marriage and approving of contraception, but he didn't say in there, "Guys, use the pill. Get on the pill. Get serious." He made a sweeping statement saying, "Don't badmouth birth control all the time."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You see? Like, I find all of his…and then I went back through and looked at all the things he said, like, his problems with…when he brought up gay marriage. He's like "Who am I to judge?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like, well…uh, do you think they're going to Hell, or not? 'Cause that's…like, that's your opinion, man. What's your opinion? Do you think they're going to Hell or not? Because you can make a huge difference by saying, "They're not going to Hell. They're all right." But when you say, "Who am I to judge?" It's like, well…

Maddox: (interjects) But…

Dick: "What do you think? You're God's mouthpiece on Earth, so you're the Pope. That's who you are to judge. Tell us what to do!"

Maddox: No, but…

Dick: (interjects) The same way we got this shit in the first place!

Maddox: No…

Dick: Someone told us they're going to Hell, now you tell us they're not going to Hell, or we have to keep going with "They're going to Hell".

Maddox: But that specifically contradicts the doctrine that Catholics believe, is that judgment comes down from up high and not from people, so that's why he said, "Who am I to judge?" and specifically, he said about gay people. He said, "We shouldn't marginalize gay people. They must be integrated into society." Yeah. And he said that quote about "Who am I to judge?"

Dick: Who am I to judge.

Maddox: He even said that about atheists, Dick. He said…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, no, I know! I heard the quote.

Maddox: Yeah. He said that he believes atheists who live a good life are good people. I mean, this is the most progressive Pope. And everybody is shitting on him. Because look, man.

Dick: (interjects) I have no heard that everyone's shitting on him. Is…

Maddox: Oh, my gosh.

Dick: Is everyone shitting on him?

Maddox: Yessss, man.

Dick: Who's shitting on him?

Maddox: I'll tell you when the tides shifted for this Pope. Um, people…people love this Pope. To an extent. But when news came out that he had met with Kim Davis…

Dick: Hooo, baby.

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cackles) Kim Davis, for those who don't know…

Dick: (interjects) I already wanted to bring him in before that, too.

Maddox: Yeah, so. For those who don't know, Kim Davis is that county clerk, in, what is it? Kansas?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The Kansas county clerk…who refused to issue gay marriage licenses.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: She refused to do her job, essentially. And, uh…(Dick sighs)

Dick: Well.

Maddox: There's this…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There's this…uh..uh…um…

Dick: See, I'm kinda on her…I understand…do you mind if I jump in real quick?

Maddox: No, go for it. I…(giggles)

Dick: Because this is a…this is a woman, right…like…this is what…this is what I'm thinking.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You got a government job.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Alright? Big thing in this country is freedom of religion, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So when you got the job, you never thought you had to be an accessory to a mortal sin. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: Like, in her…in her mind, and in her heart, this is something that people do and spend eternity in damnation.

Maddox: Uh, yeah…(stammers) I guess. But there are a lot of things…but, she's really cherry picking some quotes from the Old Testament. Because if she's really…she doesn't believe this, Dick. Let's not pretend like we're violating this bitch's sole doctrine. Like, her religious beliefs are being violated?

Dick: Ehhhhhh…

Maddox: Fuck that! Because if she wants to cherry pick from the Old Testament? You know what, why don't you just swallow the entire Old Testament? We can't eat shellfish anymore. Women who are on their periods can't be touched. Uh, you can kill your neighbor's daughter. You can trade your daughter for slavery.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: These are Old Testament things.

Dick: I know, I know.

Maddox: She's cherry picking this ONE line from the Old Testament, and then making a big grandstand, as if it has anything to do with her beliefs! It has absolutely nothing to do with her beliefs, because there's tons of people who share her beliefs. Her religion. But aren't such staunch, dickhead bigots when it comes to gay marriage.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And let's not…let's not pretend it's anything but bigotry. I mean, that's all it is. It's just bigotry. She just hates gay people.

Dick: Well….(sighs)

Maddox: She doesn't want…she doesn't want to issue them gay marriage license. Don't take the job. If you know…look.

Dick: But that's my point. She took the job and this wasn't…like, this wasn't a thing. And overnight, now she's gotta make a lot…some serious choices that…I don't know are necessarily fair to ask a person to make, like, a snap decision on that. You know. Keep in mind. I'm for gay people getting married, right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: For…okay. Some…her supervisors should've had a plan in place to say like, "Look, if you don't feel comfortable with this, 'cause it's, like, against your religious beliefs…"

Maddox: Right. Right, right.

Dick: "Just step aside and we'll have someone else do it." Like, you can't start serving mandatory pork in student lunches. And then say, like, "Well, if you got a problem touching it, 'cause of your religious beliefs, that's on you! Quit!" And you're just like, no, that's not really fair, that you're all of a sudden making these people contravene their beliefs.

Maddox: No, but…

Dick: (interjects) You gotta have SOMETHING in place for that.

Maddox: But Kim Davis, uh…the judge who let her out of jail.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Said to her..that she…

Dick: (interjects) She went to jail because of that?

Maddox: She went to jail, yeah. She's not doing her j…she was obstructing justice. She's obstructing government work from being done. She should go to jail. Like, there's nothing else you can do. You can't fire her. She was appointed to the job.

Dick: I…I think this is kind of a liberal lynch mob that she's getting. Like, I don't agree with her, but…

Maddox: (interjects) No, Dick. Lemme finish this point.

Dick: All the hate she's getting is a little nuts.

Maddox: Lemme finish this point. The judge who let her out of jail…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Said, "Okay, you can go back to work, and so we don't violate your beliefs…" Right? That you supposedly hold so dear.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: We're gonna let the Deputy Clerk, or the deputy who works there, sign these papers off. And she's…

Dick: Sounds…

Maddox: And then you know what? She said "No, that doesn't count." That doesn't count. She said…

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Now she's grandstanding. (Dick laughs) Fuck off, man!

Dick: Me?

Maddox: No, no, her. Her. Not you.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Her. She's just grandstanding.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Her fucking bigotry. That's all it is, man. It's just bald-faced bigotry.

Dick: Yeah. Well…

Maddox: You're…and by the way, Dick. Signing a piece of paper doesn't mean you endorse their lifestyle. I can sign whatever the fuck I want, it doesn't mean I endorse their lifestyle. You are just…

Dick: (interjects) You're talking about someone who believes in God, though! I mean, this is, like, they believe in a Hell and an afterlife?! Just giving them that benefit of the doubt that they are, in fact, making decisions on what they believe to be the rest of their eternal, like, whatever? I don't even kn…I don't know how they think it works, but if they're making decisions based on that, it's a lot! It's a lot to ask. That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: It's a lot to ask you to do your job…

Dick: (laughs) Yeah.

Maddox: You know all those memes…

Dick: (interjects) The requirements of the jobs changed pretty quickly!

Maddox: Well, then don't take a job, guys. If you're afraid…(Dick chuckles) If you're afraid that something in…in life might change so that it violates your beliefs…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Then fucking don't work. Why don't you just stay home and start your own business and do whatever the fuck you want.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And you don't have to…look, man. Signing a piece of paper…her job is essentially a notary. She's just notarizing those documents to prove that they're legal. She doesn't have to endorse their lifestyle. She's not saying, "I'm…I, Kim Davis, support sodomy." She's not saying that.

Dick: No.

Maddox: She's just signing her paper. And by the way, shouldn't we hold a standard also for straight people who have anal sex? Like, isn't it about time we talked about this? (giggles) Like, straight people who have anal sex are completely off the hook! But it's just GAY people. Specifically gay people who have anal sex. That's all it comes down to.

Dick: Well, I mean, not gay men. I don't…

Maddox: Not women.

Dick: Not women. (grins)

Maddox: Hey, I don't know…

Dick: (interjects) Hey, but who the fuck gives a fuck about gay women, right?! (they crack up) Alright, anyway. So the Pope's telling us…hey, I think he could be a little more encouraging of birth control, since he wants to cut all our emissions down. All our carbon emissions down, right? (grins) Where's…where's Catholicism spreading the most? Not in America!

Maddox: But they also…right.

Dick: It's all over the Third World! In Africa! Industrialized nations need to be making cement and cranking out CO2!!!

Maddox: Yeah, but it's also their beliefs that the world should be replenished and blablabla, so you're asking essentially…they're contradictory beliefs. The Bible contradicts itself.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They're…they're contradictory beliefs.

Dick: Yeah, because these rules were made when they thought semen was little homunculus men that you're ejaculating.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I…yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, essentially.

Dick: So, as soon as we discover that that's not true…let's pump up the birth control.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You wanna give big speeches to Congress, maybe have…maybe bring a couple ideas to the table.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's all I'm saying. Immigration.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He's saying "Welcome." Welcome it. All forms of immigration.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: All kinds!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: All kinds, all kinds. Uh, whose country…whose city has the biggest walls on Earth? You ever been to the Vatican?

Maddox: Uh, yeah, I have.

Dick: You couldn't…even with a jet pack, you couldn't clear those walls.

Maddox: Uhhhh, I think I c…(laughs)

Dick: Even with your magical Crown Jewel-stealing jetpack. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Two jumps, buddy! I could steal…I could steal, uh…what's his name? The Pieta. La Pieta?

Dick: Yeah, that statue?

Maddox: Yeah, the..the…

Dick: Yeah. That somebody threw a hammer at?

Maddox: That Michaelangelo…oh, someone threw a hammer at that?

Dick: Oh, it's behind _____, yeah. Somebody threw a hammer at it a long time ago.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhh.

Dick: It sucks, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Fuck. Crazy.

Maddox: It's beautiful.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I could steal it. (they laugh)

Dick: Hey! As long as we're tearing down walls…hypothetical walls, why don't we tear down some real ones?! You got some real nice walls over there in Vatican City!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where's all…where's all the immigration, are they lining up, with the rest of us, to get in there?

Maddox: To get into Vatican City?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: There's no…you just walk in.

Dick: Well, you gotta wait in line!

Maddox: No, there's…

Dick: When the gate's closed?!

Maddox: Ohhhhhhhh, buddy!

Dick: When the gate's closed, that gate is fucking closed. What?

Maddox: Ahhh. Haven't you learned anything from my methods and techniques? (Dick chuckles) Remember how I said I would steal the Crown Jewels?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Maddox: How I walked right into the exit and that…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And they were right there and I could just grab 'em. Right? Same thing with the Vatican, buddy. Always walk in through the exit. I just walked right into the exit in the Vatican, and I'm right there, man!!

Dick: Did you, really?

Maddox: Oh yeah! You just walk into the exit!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Ah!

Dick: Can we ship all of our…illegal immigrants over there, then? Pope would be cool with that? Here you go, Pope! Everybody's immigrants…it's all…immigration's okay! We're just gonna send 'em over here. Don't worry about that.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Do you think that's a little bit fucked, that he said that? Or not?

Maddox: What…what specifically did he say?

Dick: Um, lemme…lemme pull it up.

Maddox: Was this about the refugees coming from Syria, and that more countries should be…should have open doors.

Dick: (interjects) We, the people of this continent, are not fearful of foreigners, because most of us were once foreigners. I say this as the son of immigrants, knowing that many of you are also descended from immigrants. In recent centuries, millions of people came to this land to pursue their dream of building a future and freedom. I…I don't know. I don't have the exact…he said to take it easy on illegal immigration.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Basically.

Maddox: So…so…okay. So this whole thing bugs you, right?

Dick: It bugs me, because he's sitting on a for…the biggest fortune on Earth, in like a…Vatican City is basically Scrooge McDuck's vault.

Maddox: Ehh.

Dick: And he's…like, Scrooge McDuck is wandering into Congress saying, "You know what? Y'all motherfuckers need to be more generous!" (Maddox laughs) Like, quackeroonie! We're being pretty generous here, Pope! What…(stammers) here. Lemme bring in something he said about guns.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This was his…thing on guns. Um, "People who manufacture weapons or invest in weapons industries are hypocrites if they call themselves Christian." Right?

Maddox: (interjects) People…

Dick: (interjects) People who manufacture weapons or invest in weapons industries are hypocrites if they call themselves Christian.

Maddox: Hmm.

Dick: That's pretty damning. That's a pretty damning statement, right?

Maddox: Well. Yeah. That's pretty…that's pretty out there.

Dick: It's pretty incendiary!

Maddox: Well, I would say specifically that, because the Vatican does have armed forces.

Dick: Ho!! Tremendously armed!

Maddox: Yeah. They do have armed forces, so are they then hypocrites, or are the people who hold those guns bad people, because they're defending the Vatican? Is that…I mean, is that the argument that's being made here?

Dick: Hey, all I'm saying is invest in weapons industries.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How did those guns get made? How are they making more? Somebody bought the ones you're using…the Pope cruises around in his magical spaceship, surrounded by six guys armed to the teeth. Right?

Maddox: No, no. He's…he's not…actually, he's the first Pope since, I don't remember when, but he doesn't travel in an armed vehicle anymore.

Dick: Still? In America?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause I know he did it once when he first came in.

Maddox: No. He didn't travel in an armored vehicle, and I think he let a lot of his security detail go. He…he gets out in the public, buddy.

Dick: If I see one guy with a gun protecting him, what am I supposed to think about that statement?

Maddox: Uh, I dunno, man. He just doesn't seem too worried about it, which is I think how Popes should be. Uh, if Popes…

Dick: Right?! 'Cause they're definitely going to Heaven.

Maddox: Yeah. It's also…I mean, you know. It's not because they're not…they're afraid of not going to heaven. It's because they are the spiritual leader to millions of people and they want to be alive to do their jobs. Uh, I think that's the reason. But it's also doubling down on your faith. If you believe that you're there on a mission from God. If you're there on a mission from God.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And you are…you have some direct line of communications, well, you know what? Go out there. Do your thing. Don't worry about security, 'cause God should protect you, and if something should happen, then maybe that's God's will.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm okay with that.

Dick: Okay. You're okay with him…

Maddox: (interjects) And I think that's what he's doing. He's actually going around without bulletproof vehicles.

Dick: Oh, I think he relies on guns!

Maddox: So, here's the thing, Dick.

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Here's…here's what I'm wondering. If you took all those quotes that the Pope said and…misattributed them, so that you removed the Pope's name from those quotes.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And said that someone on Tumblr said it.

Dick: I was just thinking Tumblr. Yes. (Maddox giggles)

Maddox: Or someone on the Internet. Some "whatever" website. Some activist website, maybe a liberal. If someone had said that…

Dick: Maybe.

Maddox: And…you…you ascribed the quality of being American to that person, right? So just an average Joe said it…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: You probably wouldn't have a problem with that, because we all have opinions.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And the Pope is just another person who has opinions. It reminds me, a long time ago…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Of a conversation I had a long time ago with a buddy of mine who…really got pissed off and irked any time a celebrity espoused any political opinions on TV.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And he just kept RANTING about this. And I'm like, "Buddy, do you get pissed off when CNN interviews an average Joe plumber and asks their opinion on what the country should do, or what direction the country should go in, or what economic policy should be, or etc, etc. If they ask a housewife. If they ask a librarian or a teacher. He said, "No." I said, "Well, guess what. A celebrity is just another person who has a job."

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: "Who has an opinion. And they are American, just like you and me. And we have no…there's no difference between us and them. We all have opinions. So if the Pope comes to Congress and says, "Hey guys. Here's a bunch of opinions. He's doing that as the Pope, sure, but he's also doing that as a person who has opinions. And anyone who goes to the White House, even that little kid who made that atomic clock that Obama invited him to the White House…"

Dick: (interjects) Well, someone made the atomic clock. I don't know if it was the kid.

Maddox: Even…even NBA players.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Even…uh…baseball players and jazz musicians, and pe…anyone who visits. Bill Gates.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Anyone who visits the White House has opinions as people. So…how much can you impugn the Pope for having opinions. Just for being another person.

Dick: A guy with an opinion does not get an unlimited address to Congress. An unlimited, televised address, with applause breaks every minute and a half.

Maddox: Right, but…

Dick: He's speaking as a pontiff for a major religion, as the mouthpiece of God.

Maddox: He…(stammers)

Dick: (interjects) That is my big…my big problem with it is that, to me, after seeing that speech and after thinking about these hypocrisies, I see it as like a guy who will say anything to a girl just to get the tip inside of her.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? And he's like, "Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Gay is great. Atheist is great. Yeah, yeah. Just...remember me when they pass around the plate."

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: I see it as one big ad. Because all of the things he's busting our balls for, he does in spades.

Maddox: Uh, I don't…

Dick: (interjects) That's why it annoys me.

Maddox: I don't think all of the things. The only thing that really sounded egregiously hypocritical here was the gun…the gun thing. Like, if you're asking people not to invest in gun manufacturing? Then don't have armed guards at the Vatican. Because you can't have one without the other. But, other than that…

Dick: (interjects) He's busting capitalism's balls, too.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, sure. I mean, he's not…you know. He probably doesn't have completely capitalistic views.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And neither does America, to be frank. America's not purely capitalistic.

Dick: Well, that's true. (sighs)

Maddox: But…the Pope…

Dick: (interjects) You wanna go?

Maddox: Uh, yeah.

Dick: (interjects) No, go ahead, do your Pope thing.

Maddox: (interjects) I just…

Dick: I'm gonna…I'm gonna wrap it up. I don't wanna take forever on that.

Maddox: Alright. Um…the Pope. The reason he gets that platform is, again, he is the mouthpiece for millions of people. And if not the mouthpiece…

Dick: (interjects) Billions!

Maddox: At the very least…at the very least, he represents a huge portion of people. I think that he gets a platform, not because Congress is his lapdog, or anything like that, but because he's a popular person. Hell, man, if I go to do a talk somewhere, people are gonna show up because it's me, but if some Joe Schmo shows up, not as many people will show up, and there won't be a platform for that person, right?

Dick: Maddox, you're not getting an address to Congress.

Maddox: Well.

Dick: I dunno what the world is like in your head, but that's not happening.

Sean: Especially now that they know you've been ripping off bits. (they crack up)

Maddox: Fuck you, Sean. Alright guys.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I got a real problem.

Dick: Go vote up the Pope, you motherfuckers!

Maddox: So that…that's your problem? The Pope?

Dick: The Pope.

Maddox: You specifically want to name it as "The Pope" and not Pope Francis?

Dick: Uh…yeah.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: The Pope.

Maddox: The Pope.

Dick: 'Cause he's gonna be there forever.

Maddox: Alright. (scoffs)

Dick: Hey, you know…what the Pope is great at, though?

Maddox: What?

Dick: He's got a nice, clean, shorn face.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh, boy, does he ever!

Dick: This episode is brought to you by Harry's.

Maddox: He uses those German blades! (they laugh)

Dick: I don't know if he does. The last Pope, you bet your ass used a German blade.

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, that's right, yeah. I'm thinking of the last Pope!

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: He's from Argentina.

Dick: The guy that was in the Hitler Youth.

Maddox: What was his name? Uh…

Sean: No, but the, uh…

Maddox: (interjects) Pope Mackenzie?

Dick: Pope Palpatine.

Maddox: Palpatine. Palpatine.

Dick: The last guy.

Sean: No…Benedict.

Maddox: Emperor Palpatine, yeah. Oh, Benedict, yeah.

Dick: Yeah. It was Benedict. Go to Use BIGGESTPROBLEM as the promo code. You get $5 off. It's always free shipping at Harry's. They make a damn good razor. Everyone knows that. You know that. Sean, I don't know if you know that, but everybody else knows that.

Maddox: Sean, how often do you shave?

Sean: Uh, a few times a week.

Maddox: Okay. You shave, then.

Sean: Eh, a couple times. Yeah. I just…I think I shaved yesterday.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: You spending…

Sean: (interjects) I can't be bothered most of the time.

Dick: You spending money at the drugstore on your razors, Sean?

Sean: No, I'm not.

Dick: You're not?

Sean: I'm not. I'm using a Harry's.

Dick: Are you fucking really?

Sean: Yeah!!

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Smart.

Dick: Well…Sean's…all the Sean lovers in the audience, Sean endorses it.

Maddox: Sean's a loyal supporter of the biggest problem in the universe.

Dick: I got an email from Scott A. Behr about Harry's razors. "Gentlemen, thank you so much for your podcast. Each week, my Wednesday night has become a ritual of listening to the new episode while drinking and playing video games with the wife."

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Cool wife, man!

Dick: Playing video games with the wife. Cool wife. "Additionally, thank you for going with Harry's as a sponsor." That's…you know, we did vet a lot of sponsors. We chose Harry's. "As a member of the US Air Force, I am required to have a clean-shaven face at all times. For somebody who has the facial genetics of a pirate Viking, this is horrible on my wallet."

Maddox: Ohhhhh.

Dick: You have incredible facial hair as well.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Do you find…do you identify with this guy?

Maddox: Oh, totally. My…my hair comes in really coarse.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh, it's like a Brillo pad.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And I go through razors…I find little nicks on my razors. You know, I won't mention the specific brands, but…

Dick: Right.

Maddox: All the razors I got…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Were…all the razors I used to use had little nicks in them. And I could see…because my hair is stronger than steel.

Dick: Scott A. Behr was spending "$64 a month on razors that left his face ripped apart and looking like he hadn't even shaved." Jesus Christ, really? "Of course, smartasses who can't even grow facial hair would always respond with..'well, do you know how to shave?' I just received my Harry's kit and it is the best shave I've ever had. Six hours later, my face still feels like there's never even been any hair on it. Harry's now has a lifelong customer, and I'm saving a lot of money every month on razors.' Probably to buy video games to play with his hot-ass wife. Cool.

Maddox: Yeah, bet his wife's hot! His wife's hot 'cause he uses Harry's!

Dick: , promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM. Save 5 bucks.

Maddox: Hot wife plays video games, huh? (Dick laughs) You know who doesn't have a wife, Dick? Friend-Zoned Pussies!

Dick: Oh,f…(laughs)

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Yeah!! (laughing)

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Friend-zoned pussies

Dick: Ohhhh.

Maddox: Dick, um…you know…you know the term "friend zone"?

Dick: Only academically. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Only academically.

Dick: Yeah. (laughs)

Maddox: Get outta here. Look, 4Chan's not academic, buddy.

Dick: No, I mean…yeah, yeah, yeah. I know what friend zone is.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Friend zone. It's the number one grievance that people have when they strike out with women. Guys. Mostly guys. And actually, I've heard it from the other side, too. I've heard women, lately.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Complaining to me. I have a lot of female friends, and they confide in me.

Dick: Mmmm.

Maddox: And they say that, you know, they've been friend zoned by guys.

Dick: Including you!

Maddox: What do you…

Dick: Well, these are friends of yours.

Maddox: Friends of mine, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And…guys and girls. Well, they make different types of mistakes, but generally, from a guy's point of view, it's pussy on a pedestal.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And from a girl's point of view, it's Dick on a pedestal.

Dick: Okay, well…

Maddox: I was trying to think of a more clever…

Dick: That's pretty similar.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Dick on a dais.

Maddox: Dick on a dais.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, that's pretty funny. (smiles) Yeah. Dick on a dais. Um…so, I…I was at…well, I'll just tell you the story. I was talking to a guy awhile back. Who said that, you know, he had a huge crush on this girl, and they'd gone out, like, you know, three, four times. And I'm like "Alright, well, how's the sex?" And he says, "Oh, we haven't kissed yet." I'm like "Oh!!" (they crack up) Idiot. (laughs) Get outta there!

Dick: Yeah. Well, that's too bad.

Maddox: It's not…you're done! You're done, man!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Look. This goes for everyone, guy or girl.

Dick: Ahhhh. Yeah. (sighs)

Maddox: If you go out with someone more than twice or three times? Three times is the absolute limit. You go out with them more than three times and you haven't had ANYTHING sexual, not even a kiss…

Dick: But you've tried.

Maddox: But you've tried, yeah. Well…what I'm about to say is irrelevant of whether or not you've tried.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: If you haven't done it, then it's gone, most likely forever. 99% chance it's gone forever.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: But if you tried…if you tried and it didn't happen, it could happen at some point later on down the line. But that "friend zone" is a cement, buddy. It starts to set the moment you step foot in their door, or the moment you step foot in that restaurant on that first date.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: I'll tell you why. Because…because that cement…

Dick: (interjects) Well, I'm still processing the try part. But go ahead.

Maddox: I'll tell you why trying…trying is different. Because once you've communicated, the entire problem of friend zoning…boils down to this one thing, right? You just have to communicate sexual interest in somebody. And that word sexual is so important. That's everything. Because sometimes guys and girls forget that the opposite sex likes sex and they want to have it with YOU, possibly, if you make a move. But if you try. If you make that first move, at least you've planted a seed in their head. Trying and failing at least communicates to them that you're interested. Because down the line, you know what? They might…they might just be sitting around one night, they want a booty call, they might call you over.

Dick: I really see this in the opposite terms.

Maddox: How's that?

Dick: If you try…if you make any kind of overture…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Sexual overture, or even, like, a romantic one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, someone treats you as a friend, you should know the difference pretty clearly.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Whether they're being friendly or they wanna be intimate with you.

Maddox: Right, right.

Dick: Uh, if they reject that, then I'm out. Like, I'm like, "Oh, okay. We're not sexually…you're not sexually interested at all. Like, whatever. See ya. Have a nice life."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: But if you don't try…like, I think you can go a long time with a woman without trying and still something sexual will develop.

Maddox: N…(laughs) No! No way, man! If you go a long time with a woman…like, yeah. It CAN happen. I'm not saying it's imp…it's outside the realm of possibility. Like, sometimes, I…one of my good friends is dating their high school sweetheart, and they said in high school, they never had anything romantic.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And then they reconnected years later and it became a thing, right? That can happen.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: But, uh…it's exceedingly rare. If you meet somebody and you are interested in them. I'm talking to you, guys. I'm talking to you, "nice guys". Right? Who are too…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who…respect the woman too much to have sex with her.

Dick: Right. Ohhh! (disgusted)

Maddox: You guys.

Dick: Oh, dear.

Maddox: You guys.

Dick: Is that a thing?

Maddox: Oh, it's a thing! It's the Nice Guy syndrome! That's what this boils down to!! These guys…these are nice guys who don't want to have sex because they're in it for the friendship, and they're in it for, uh…you know, they don't want to mislead the woman into thinking that they're only in it for sex, because most guys are in it for sex, and they're different. You know how I know so much about this, Dick? 'Cause I used to be one of these guys.

Dick: Oh, you used to be a nice guy.

Maddox: Awww, yeah. Well, I'm still a nice guy. But I'm a nice guy who has sex. That's the difference.

Sean: Lemme ask you a question.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Did you not think that women enjoyed sex as much as they do?

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: That's a good question.

Maddox: …yeah. That is a good question, Sean. I'm gonna…I'm gonna think about that for a second. But I will tell you what I viewed sex as. I viewed sex as something that all guys wanted, all the time, and that's all they wanted from women.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I wanted to draw a distinction between myself and those men.

Dick: So that was your value.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That was the value you were saying you provide.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: You're there for, like, listening and shit.

Maddox: And by the way, when we're saying nice guy here, let's just…going forward, it's "nice guy" in quotes. We're not talking about literally, like, nice guys. I'm a nice guy. You're a nice guy. Sean's a nice guy. We're all nice guys, but I'm talking about the QUOTE "nice guy". The guy who becomes a friend with a woman, but is insincere.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And is manipulative.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And would swoop in at the opportunity and writes those, like, weepy comics.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Talking about how the girl always confides in him. "Oh, why aren't there nice guys?" And he secretly thinks, "Well, I'm a nice guy. Why don't you date me?"

Dick: I've never heard a girl say, "How come guys can't be like you?" Like, I've seen them tell that story.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, a girl…a hot girl that I've always been interested in told me "How come guys can't be like you?" But I've never heard a woman say that out loud.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like a…it's like a…pussy's version of a porno. Like, you watch a porno and I'm like, "This never happened."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, no guy walked into a sorority house and he's getting six blowjobs.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? That's like how I feel…it's like, what woman ever said that to you? I don't really…I don't think she meant it. Maybe her tone was being, like, sarcastic or something? But I don't think that they think that.

Maddox: Oh, it's happened, man. It happened to me, when I was…when I was younger, when I was, I think, like, 16, 17 years old, when I first started taking interest in women and wanting to date them, whatever. You know, I became the "nice guy". And we would hang out a bunch. And I always thought…I even thought, I remember, like, women would confide in me to that level, like talking to me about their dates and stuff.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And these were women that I was interested in.

Dick: Ohhhh.

Maddox: The problem was…

Dick: And you would listen to it!

Maddox: Yeah, I would listen to it.

Dick: Thinking that it would establish a bond.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And it did, but that bond was only friendship.

Dick: Lemme…well, yeah. Lemme…lemme just say this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You had more. Tell more. I'll say this after.

Maddox: Okay. I…so, that bond that I was creating was friendship, and in the back of mind, anytime they complained about men and how awful men were, blablabla, I thought, "Well, why couldn't that be me?"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then, that…yeah. But that has changed radically. I don't hear that anymore. But what did you wanna say?

Dick: I wanted to say that women…I think, because I get what you're saying now. That guys will try to get close with women by just listening to them talk about, like, whatever shit they were doing?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, the emotions that are on their mind.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And my thinking is that I'm just…trying to unpack right now…women share their feelings compulsively. Like, I think that these friend-zoned pussies that you're talking about?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Assign some kind of, like, special meaning to the confidence that a woman that they're into is sharing with them, like, "I'm telling you about this thing." She's telling him about this thing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This trial that she had.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But that's not what women are like. Like, guys are like that. I'm not gonna sit down with a guy and tell him something hard that I'm going through.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: With just anybody.

Maddox: Okay. Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what I'm talking about.

Maddox: That'd be someone close to you, right.

Dick: Yeah. Or else, I'm like, sitting down with a guy at a bus. Women aren't like that.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Women will compulsively share with everyone. (Maddox snorts) You know…even when you, you know, you don't want 'em to. Just blablablablabla.

Maddox: Well. Okay. (giggles) I mean, yeah.

Dick: They're talking at drive-through boxes out there, with what they're dealing with, you know?

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, uh…the thing that changed. The thing that shifted. And this is the problem with all these friend-zoned pussies.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Alright? The guys who don't get it. Is that they need to communicate to those women that they are interested in them, sexually. That's everything in the world. Everything in the world comes down to that.

Dick: Do you really think that?

Maddox: That's absolutely it. And I remember the moment I realized this, right? I went through this spell when I was single for about a year and a half, two years, when I went on dates and stuff.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh…hooked up here and there, but it wasn't really…I didn't feel like I was dating anyone, because all these girls I was hanging out with were just that. Girls I was hanging out with. We weren't having sex. We were just going to parties together, and…

Dick: Ohhhh. Okay.

Maddox: And doing…yeah. Doing, like date-y things, and stuff like that.

Dick: But not banging.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: No. Very rarely banging. Then I remember…

Dick: Ohhhhh.

Maddox: I remember. This is the moment that shifted for me. I went out on a date with this girl who, man. I hit it off so hard in this bar. I remember my friends came over, this girl is a babe. Total babe. Right?

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Uh…really cute smile, just…we were hitting it off! And my friends came into this bar and saw me alone with this girl, and they were running patterns. Wingman patterns. Like, helping me out. Like coming over, you know.

Dick: Oh, God. Oh, I…

Maddox: Oh, it was great.

Dick: It was good?

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: No, they helped out. 'Cause there was one cock blocker who came through, and one of my friends came in and, like, tackled him. It was awesome. (grins) Uh, so…I thought, "Okay, well, I don't wanna blow it with this girl. She's so cute. She's so cool. We're totally hitting it off."

Dick: What are we talking about here? What'd she look like?

Maddox: She looked like…Drew Barrymore in her prime.

Dick: Mmkay.

Maddox: You know what I mean?

Dick: Little bit of, like, a smush face? (Maddox laughs) Little bit chubby, but she hides it with…

Maddox: No, no.

Dick: You mean, like, in ET?

Maddox: When Drew Barrymore…(laughs) Yeah, there you go. Like when she was in ET. No, man. When…like, imagine Drew Barrymore. I think Drew Barrymore has a cute smile. So it's like Drew Barrymore's smile…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And then, like, a really nice, like, petite body.

Dick: Okay. Alright.

Maddox: She was a babe. She was a babe.

Dick: Alright. Alright.

Maddox: So, anyway, man. I finally got the balls that night to simply communicate something about her looks, which I realized, is something I had never done before.

Dick: Like, with a woman.

Maddox: With…with any of these girls that I had been dating. With girls after I started dating them? Then I would communicate that they looked good, and they were…

Dick: Oh, no shit! (surprised)

Maddox: Yeaaaah.

Dick: Oh, wow.

Maddox: See, Dick? The reason you've never heard some of these, like, friendzone terms…

Dick: 'Cause I start with that.

Maddox: 'Cause you start with that.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Exactly. Guys, the difference between a friendzoned pussy and a guy who gets laid…and by the way, guys, it doesn't just have to be you getting laid, you might want a relationship. That's fine.

Dick: Well, yeah.

Maddox: All of this stems from sexual attraction, and if you don't communicate that to them, then they don't know. And they're guessing just like you. And if you're that dud guy who's hanging around all the time, who never communicates that to them, they're gonna think you're a friend, 'cause of course. Why wouldn't they?

Dick: Can I tell you this? I think those friend-zoned pussies take it especially hard because they DO want a relationship. Like, they've romant…they've turned this woman…they've built this character for this woman.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That they think she is.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And they wanna marry her. It's not actually her.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Of course.

Maddox: It's not.

Dick: It's a fantasy.

Maddox: It's a fantasy!

Dick: But…they want the relationship so bad…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That they get out of control, insanely jealous.

Maddox: And that's when you become a stalker.

Dick: Or worse.

Maddox: And that's when you become a creep. And that's when you start thinking about these people to the point where it's unhealthy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Lemme give you an example of this happening with a woman. A woman friend of mine. Came up to me one time and she had…she told me about this guy she was crushing on. And I already communicated to this girl that I had no interest in her sexually.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Right? So then she…she…

Dick: How did you communicate this?

Maddox: Uh, I told her I had a girlfriend.

Dick: Smart.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) So that shut down pretty quick.

Dick: Immediately. Very efficient.

Maddox: 'Cause I could tell there might have been a little something. I said, you know, I'm gonna shut this…I'm gonna nip this in the bud. I have a girlfriend. Uh…you know, at the time. And I nipped it in the bud.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: So then she felt comfortable confiding in me, because we were just friends and that's all we were. And that's all I wanted. That's all she wanted. Great. No miscommunication. Awesome. We are in alignment. So then she started telling me about this guy she was interested in, and I said, "Okay, well, what's going on?" and she says, "Well, he's really funny. He's a great dude."

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: "He's really popular. Blablabla." I'm like "Alright, so shoot him a…do you have his phone number?"

Dick: Oh, god.

Maddox: She goes, "No, I don't know what to say to him." I said, "Okay, um, show me his Facebook profile." So she pulls it up. I said, "Got it. Bingo. I know what to say to him."

Dick: Oh, I thought it was gonna be you. (Maddox laughs) Oh, yeah.

Maddox: No, no, no, man. I nipped it in the bud, man. So we're just friends. So she pulls up this guy's Facebook profile, and I'm going through it, and I see his interests, and I see his hobbies, and I see the type of movies that he likes. That's enough for me to build a profile of who he is. So I said, "Okay, send him this message." And I crafted the perfect message, she goes, "Well, you type it."

Dick: Wait a minute. You're hitting on guys.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. (they both laugh)

Sean: This is like the movie Roxanne or something.

Dick: Yeah! Yeah. (they both laugh) Call Maddox. You're interested in a guy? Call Maddox, he'll hit on him for you.

Maddox: Hey, man.

Dick: 100% success rate!

Maddox: I'll hit on anyone.

Dick: Best man-hitter-on in the business! (Maddox laughs) (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Look, dude. I know how to hit on chicks and I know how to hit on guys. I don't see how that's an insult!

Dick: It's not an insult!

Maddox: Good. 'Cause I know how to hit on anyone. (Dick laughs)

Dick: I just think it's a little funny…

Maddox: I'll hit on your dad.

Dick: That's all. (grins) (Maddox laughs) You're gonna hit on my dad?

Maddox: Uh, no. No. (they laugh) No, he's married. I wouldn't do that. Um…(laughs) And he's a dad. And a man. Anyway, um…

Dick: You got a problem with married guys, now?!

Maddox: (laughing) So anyway. So I crafted this perfect message. And she goes, "Oh, my gosh, that's genius." I said "I know, of course it's genius."

Dick: It's so gross! Do you remember what the message was?!

Maddox: Um, it was…it was something…a reference about a movie.

Dick: Hey dude. Nice tits! (Maddox cracks up) You wanna watch Lord of War and finger each other?! Gotta go!! (laughing)

Maddox: Netflix and chill?

Dick: Right?! That would work…

Maddox: I just said…no!

Dick: That would work on any guy!! (Maddox cracks up) (Dick dies laughing) What up, bro? How's your ding-dong? (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: So that's how you'd hit on a guy?! (Dick laughs) You know what though? You know what though? All joking aside…

Dick: (interjects) Look! You're either gonna respond or you won't! Like…

Maddox: No, Dick, then your fucking bullshit school of thought. No. (Dick laughs) No! But…actually, what Dick is saying is correct. If you do…if you do message a guy and communicate anything sexual right off the get-go, you're definitely gonna get his attention. But…

Dick: Well…

Maddox: It wasn't that. What?

Dick: I'm kinda turned off by chicks who are overly promiscuous, though.

Maddox: Yeah, me too!

Dick: Like, I really am. I'm like, ehhhh.

Maddox: A little bit. A little bit. Like, look. You…you gotta, um…

Dick: You gotta make me think I'm working for something here.

Maddox: Yeah. Finesse me a little bit, you know?

Dick: I need the carrot, not the stick.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Or the string. The cat and the string in the example you gave.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um, yeah. I like it within the third message. Like, the first three messages. (giggles)

Dick: Yeah. Not right away.

Maddox: Not right awa…not the first. Maybe, like, the third.

Dick: 'Cause then I think you got issues.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Then I don't need to ask about your dad. I know what happened. (they both laugh)

Maddox: Unless…unless. Unless you have that rapport beforehand, then go straight to sexual.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. You want a booty call? Call me, buddy.

Dick: Or ma'am.

Maddox: Ma'am. (they laugh) (Dick cracks up)

Dick: I can just see, like, 10 chicks lined up in a bar now, and "could you message this guy on Facebook for me, Maddox?!"

Maddox: Yeah. (grins)

Dick: Yeah, sure! (guffaws)

Maddox: I'm good at it, man! Chicks aren't good at it. Chicks are awful. As you know, Dick.

Dick: No, yeah.

Maddox: Chicks are awful at picking up on guys. They're really bad, 'cause they almost never have to do it. Guys are always coming to them.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So when they have to…when the tables get turned and they like a guy and they're trying to craft that perfect message. Aha. It's not so easy, is it, dickhead? Then you come to me.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: MADDOX. Master of seduction.

Dick: They usually just have to lure them in. (giggles)

Maddox: Master of seduction, Maddox. Yeah. Me.

Dick: Oh, God. So what happened?

Maddox: So I sent this message.

Dick: To a man.

Maddox: Yeah. (Dick guffaws) It was witty. It was funny. It was sarcastic. It was a little bit dark, little bit sassy.

Dick: Was it a little flirty?

Maddox: No…no, dude. I,,,.

Dick: No, I'm genuinely asking!

Maddox: Well, I sent the first message. It was't flirty, 'cause I'm…you know, it grosses me out. I'm not gonna do that.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: But. Uh…I sent the perfect message that's an introduction that tells you about her character. Tells you a little bit about his. It was the perfect introduction message.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So…of course, he writes back immediately.

Dick: Ohh.

Maddox: And she's…she's like, "What should I say?" I'm like "What would you…"

Dick: (interjects) Too eager. Delete him! (they laugh)

Maddox: Well, yeah, first of all. Right? But, no. He messages back and she goes, "Oh my gosh! He messaged back, you were right!" I'm like, "Yeah, of course I'm right. Of course he's gonna message you back." So then she hands me her phone to start chatting with this dude.

Dick: Oh, WHOA!

Maddox: I'm like…whoa, lady. I'm not your…I'm not gonna…no. I'm not gonna do this. She goes, "Well, I don't know what to say." I said, "What would you say?" because at some point, you realize I'm not dating his man! (Dick cracks up) You realize at some point, you have to take over and he has to get to know YOU.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: Because he's potentially gonna bang you, not me. He's never gonna bang me!!

Dick: Right.

Sean; She's way overanalyzing this, too.

Maddox: Exactly, Sean!

Sean: Just talk. Just talk like a fucking human being.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: Sean, so what does it sound like? A woman who is way overanalyzing this guy. Friend-zoned pussy!

Dick: Perfectionist.

Maddox: No. A friend-zoned pussy!

Dick: Friend-zoned pussy, okay.

Maddox: That's exactly…so, she turned herself into a friend-zoned pussy, because what she kept doing…and then I said, "Lady, look. I did this favor for you. I gave you the introduction." And within, like, the first three messages, I said, "Well, get to the point where you're gonna get his digits so you guys can start texting. That's…"

Dick: Yeah. Ask out right away.

Maddox: Yeah. That's the next step.

Dick: Always.

Maddox: Get the digits. So she got the digits within like, four or five messages. And I kinda, you know. Kinda coached her on how to do that. So she got the guy's digits and then she kept texting me all night. She's like, "Well, what should I say to this? What should I say to that?" and I just put my phone on silent, put it in my pocket, moved on with my life.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because…(stammers) and then I pulled her aside, the next day when I saw her. She's like, "Well, he sent me this last text, and he hasn't replied yet. And he hasn't…" Blablabla. And she started overanalyzing every text that he sent. I said…

Dick: (interjects) By the way, you gotta do this guy a favor and fuck up the texting! 'Cause this girl sounds like a fucking pill!

Maddox: Well, I mean, look man. When I have friends who have this problem, I try to coach them through it to get over that…pussy or dick on a pedestal.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Dick on a dais. Uh, so…I told her. I pulled her aside, I said, "Look, lady. How much time and effort do you think he's spending sending these texts to you? Do you think he's thinking about you right now?" And she said, "No." I said, "Exactly. He's not, so why are you thinking about him? Who gives a shit? He's not a thing until he's a thing."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it's the same thing with all these guys who are friend-zoned pussies. The girl that you are obsessed with is not a thing until she becomes a thing.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Period. Stop obsessing. If you haven't made that move within the second or third time you guys have gone out, you guys haven't made out, you guys haven't had sex, you haven't done anything? FORGET IT! It's gone! Forever! Forever. Forget it. Move on. Find another girl. And don't fuck it up with her. Communicate sexual interest, because, guess what? Big surprise. We're all humans and we all like sex. Including the girls that you're obsessing over.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Yeah. That's my…that's my whole problem. And…and a solution, all wrapped in one.

Dick: What's the solution called?

Maddox: Uhhh. The solution is…bang. (they laugh)

Dick: Get your…let you do all the romancing. That's the solution.

Maddox: Ahh. Yeah.

Dick: Like a 900 number interceptor.

Dick: No. And I do think that the…the friend-zoned pussies who you're talking about are also, like, the most vicious when they finally do get dumped. If it ever happens. Like, they're…the last…only one story comes to mind. This guy was, um…this girl I knew who…I was kinda just hanging out with her. Like..uh…we would go do nice stuff, like, fun stuff together, like date-ish stuff, but we wouldn't…it wasn't a friendship. It definitely wasn't a friendship. I did kinda want to bang her, but I didn't want to make it, like, a priority.

Maddox: So how was it not a friendship if you hadn't banged?

Dick: Well, because we're going out on dates every once in a while.

Maddox: Had you kissed?

Dick: It would be like…I got a…no, no, no. I'm not…I'm not. Because, look, it's like a clock for me.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: When you start with the kissing and the romantic shit and the sex…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It very quickly devolves into someone pounding on my apartment door at 3 in the morning demanding to know what our relationship is.

Maddox: Well.

Dick: Like, are we a relationship or not, you motherfucker! Answer your door, I know you're…like, that's what my experience is.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: So I try not to pull that cord…

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Until, like, the time works for me. Where I'm like, okay, I could have like a two or three-month fling with you. This time works right now.

Maddox: Dick…

Sean: I'm going out of town in mid July…(Maddox laughs)

Dick: Right. Right! I mean, this isn't like…Burning Man is in four months, so we don't need to have THAT conversation.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh, Dick.

Dick: What, what, what?

Maddox: You…you consistently have this problem! You know how you avoid this problem? Just, right from the get-go, communicate what you want. 'Cause I tell chicks sometimes, if I have absolutely no interest in them other than sexual, I tell them that. And you know what? Sometimes they bail and sometimes they stick around.

Dick: Ohhh! That's very hurtful to say.

Maddox: No, it's not!

Dick: To someone.

Maddox: No, it's not. 'Cause guess what? This one girl, I saw for two or three months. It was a relationship that was almost entirely sexual. We'd hang out sometimes. And then when it…you know. But we communicated with each other. She…she asked me, "Some day, would you ever want this to be more?" I said, "No, I'm not really in that place right now." And, I said, "Look, if this means no more sex, I'm okay with that. I understand if that's what you want." And she said, "No, no, I definitely want sex."

Dick: Well, there you go. That's wh..yeah.

Maddox: No! She said. She said. I definitely want sex. I was like, "Okay. Game on! Here we go! We're doing this!"

Dick: I dunno. It just doesn't work for me like that. Like, even…

Maddox: You've never tried it! Have you tried it?

Dick: No, no…they'll bring it up. They'll say, like, it's okay if this is just sex. It's like ehhh. I don't know. Then what are we even doing?

Maddox: Just banging.

Dick: Ehhh.

Maddox: What's wrong with that?

Dick: It takes the magic out of it, Maddox. (Maddox scoffs) It needs to be a mind game as well.

Maddox: (giggles) You're fucked.

Dick: It needs to be a…and besides! They know. Like…the whole time I'm sitting there, like, how do you even have to ask? Like, if you have to ask, you know.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: That's my philosophy on it.

Maddox: No. No, I dated a girl. Actually, the last girl I dated. My last serious relationship. She wanted a relationship right from the get-go.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it was a long distance thing, and I said, "You know, it's too hard. I don't want that. For sure. I don't want a long distance relationship."

Dick: Right.

Maddox: 'Cause I've done that. Been there, done that, don't wanna do it again. Um, and so…she'd kind of written it off as a thing that was never gonna happen. And then, at some point, it did, down the line. Uh…but yeah. Things can change. I mean, whether or not…whatever you communicate to them, things may change down the line, but if you communicate what you want up front and then stick to it, there's no problem with that.

Dick: I think it loses a lot of what made it good. When you communicate that. (Maddox giggles) 'Cause it's like…you're not putting out…you're not going the extra mile to make me happy, then.

Maddox: So…so…

Dick: You know? You're not working for a relationship now. You're just, like, kind of squeezing blood from a stone at that point. Like, you're trying to wring the last bits of affection out of something that's already dead, to me. That's what…that's what happens.

Maddox: Uh…okay. So to recap…

Dick: (interjects) So it's not good for me.

Maddox: (laughs) So to re…

Dick: (interjects) I don't like it.

Maddox: So to recap our philosophies. My approach is to, uh…be honest. To stop being a friend-zoned pussy.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Be honest and communicate up front what you want. And Dick's approach is to do the exact opposite. Don't communicate that up front.

Dick: Well, not if you're a friend zone…if you're a friend-zoned pussy…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Um, make your intentions clear, and then if she's not into it, leave.

Maddox: Uh, that's true.

Dick: Like, women…

Maddox: Okay. Then we see eye-to-eye.

Dick: You're not gonna dupe her into wanting to fuck you.

Maddox: Exactly.

Dick: Like, she doesn't want to fuck you! (laughs)

Maddox: Exactly.

Dick: Like, what do you…

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Dick: What are you, like, Cosby 2.0? You're gonna trick her into it? You know?

Maddox: Uh, gross, dude.

Dick: Oh, here. If I provide enough value. Like, you're just not good enough, man.

Maddox: No.

Dick: You're not a stock portfolio. Relax! She doesn't like you! (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Uh, yeah.

Dick: You know?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Uh, yeah.

Dick: And I have a TON of experience in this from guys who hang around with girls I'm dating. It used to drive me insane that they would keep these dudes around.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Mostly because…partly because they feel sorry for them, but partly because it feeds…like, it's a thing for them. It's like a safety net for them. It's…it feeds their ego to be there for this guy.

Maddox: To have these guys fawning for them?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Eh.

Dick: So they won't get rid of them. That's my experience with it. And I feel bad for them, 'cause they embarrass themselves.

Maddox: The guys?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. It's so embarrassing, man.

Dick: I just wanna take 'em aside and go, like, "Dude, come on. I'm getting ready to break up with this girl."

Maddox: You don't want this.

Dick: Yeah. You don't want this.

Maddox: You don't want my sloppy seconds, bro. I've seen that too. I've seen that happen so many times. Like, a girl will be dating a guy. And then she has a bunch of cling-ons, right?

Dick: Ugh! Yeah.

Maddox: And the cling-ons…and I'll notice the cling-ons, and I'm like…I pull the girl aside. I remember, I had this conversation with this girl one time online.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And I told her, uh…most guys who are your friends and who've been your long-time friends probably want to fuck you. I'm just telli…I'm just gonna put that out there.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: They probably want to.

Dick: Probably.

Maddox: And even if they don't actually do it, or will never do it, they probably thought about it. And I pulled her aside and I said, "do you have a guy…" and she goes, no, that's not true. That's not true. I have a guy friend who I've been friends with for…for eight years. And we're just friends. And we've never…he's never wanted to have sex with me at all. And I said, "Have you ever asked him?"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And she said, "No, I haven't." And I said, "Go ask him." And she goes, "Fine, I will!" she came back to me 30 minutes later. 30 minutes later. She goes, "Oh my gosh."

Dick: "I'm pregnant."

Maddox: (laughs) (Dick cracks up) No, she came back 30 minutes later and she said, "You're right."

Dick: Yeah!!

Maddox: "I couldn't believe it." She said, "I knew…I've known this guy forever."

Dick: How do you not know that?!

Maddox: Yeah! She said, "I've known this guy forever." And then they started talking about it. And they had, like, a four-hour conversation that night.

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: She came back to me the next day. This was like, way back in the early days of the Internet when I was still using Yahoo messenger.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: You know, some of these old chats…so I was talking to this girl. She said, "Yeah, I talked to him for about four hours about his thoughts and his feelings."

Dick: Ooh.

Maddox: "And he said that he's always had a crush on me, and he just never knew how to communicate it to me, and he'd always been hanging around with me…" So guys. When you start to…to guilt these girls for putting YOU in the friend zone. Guess what, shithead? You put yourself there.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright? You put yourself there by not having the balls to stand up and communicate what you want and see if it's there. See if it's mutual. And if it's not, fuck off and move on. You know what? Deal with rejection. You're gonna get rejected all the time. You're gonna get rejected for jobs. You're gonna get rejected for relationships. You're gonna get rejected for colleges. Deal with rejection. And here's how you deal with it. You become better. You become a better person that somebody won't want to reject. You don't GUILT the girls for putting you in a friend zone, dickhead. 'Cause you put yourself there.

Dick: I mean, I'm gonna say I agree with everything you're saying, except for the "be better", because sometimes it's just, you're not it.

Maddox: Yeah, that's true!

Dick: Like, sometimes they'll go for a total piece of shit. You're just not it, dude. Relax.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Like, you just can't have everything you want in the world.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It doesn't work like that. It's not a linear scale.

Maddox: (stammers) That's true, Dick. Sometimes you're not it. Sometimes for whatever reason, you might not be clicking it with that person.

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: Because not everyone clicks with you.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Obviously.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If you think that everyone should be compatible with everyone else, then you're opening yourself up to a lot of 1s and 2s.

Dick: Well, it's like what if a guy didn't want to be your friend?

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: What are you gonna, chase him around? What's wrong?! What's wrong with me?!

Maddox: What's wrong with me?! What can I do?! What can I do to be better?

Dick: You're only friends with assholes!

Maddox: Yeah. Gosh, he doesn't wanna hang out with me. Nobody wants to go bowling with meee. (dorky voice) (Dick laughs)

Dick: Um…and then spend all this money renting bowling shoes for everybody. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: And then stalk them! And then stalk them on Facebook! And say, "Oh, he went bowling the other day with someone else. " (silly voice)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "He never wants to go bowling with meeeeeee."

Dick: Um, what I was gonna say. I started that story and didn't finish it. The…the girl that I was just hanging out with every once in a while.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I enjoyed her company and there was, like a flirtation there. She's a nice girl.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Um…this guy that was, like, obsessively trying to bang her. And I even gave him some tips! I'm like, look, you gotta knock off this shit you're doing and just do this. Like, jokingly.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause I did wanna help him out.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Dick: He exploded on her one night, 'cause all of these pussification feelings just overwhelmed his…his tampon one day. (Sean cracks up) (Maddox laughs) And he couldn't take being friend zoned anymore. He exploded on her. She called ME, came over…wanted to come over and drink and talk about it, like, to get her mind off it…

Maddox: Uh-oh…

Dick: 'Cause she was so…yeah! We banged!

Maddox: Yeah, of course you banged!

Dick: We did a bunch of blow, and banged!!! It was fucking awesome. I was like, "Well, way to go, dude!"

Maddox: Way to go, idiot.

Dick: Like, I bet if I took a picture of you and sent it to him, he would kill himself!

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (Dick laughs) What an idiot. Oh, wait a second, I think I know who this is…(giggles) Okay. Alright, interesting. Oh, boy.

Dick: Oh, you know who it is?

Maddox: I know who it is. I know who it is.

Dick: Uh-oh.

Maddox: Oh, I know this story.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: (laughs) Oh, this is a g…

Dick: (interjects) It's a good story.

Maddox: It's a really good story, 'cause I know exactly what's going on.

Dick: It is a good story. Yeah. Anyway.

Maddox: Ahhhh.

Dick: Hey, I think these guys are a big problem, because they're salting the earth for the rest of us.

Maddox: They're salting the earth. Yes!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (stammers) Guys. Guys and girls. Please, stop worrying about the friend zone, because it's invented. It's something you're creating. You're putting yourself there. It's a jail that you invented. You're opening the door, you're walking in, you're shutting it behind you, and you're throwing away the keys.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Fuck off. Be a better person, and you know what? You won't get everyone. You won't. Get. Everyone. You're not gonna be attractive to everyone.

Dick: No!

Maddox: But. But. The better you are, the more likely it will be that you will be attractive to more people. Look, man. I worked on myself a LOT and I still have a lot to do, but, before I did that, I was this friend-zoned pussy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I got outta that jail. I finally found the key. I figured it out. You gotta communicate sexuality. You gotta be a better person. Be a better version of yourself.

Dick: Well…yeah.

Maddox: It increases the likelihood man.

Dick: Yeah. (hesitant)

Maddox: It's just an od…it's an odds thing. Look, man.

Dick: Yeah, but I like being a sleazeball.

Maddox: Ugh.

Dick: And I try to be more of a sleazeball. And I think there's a lot of girls who just hate that. Like, they're like, "Oh, you act like a scumbag." Like, you do all these dirty, scumbag things. I don't wanna date you. I'm like, "Well, that's, like, the best version of me." (Maddox giggles) I like being that. Soo…

Maddox: Well, there you go.

Dick: Fuck you. Like, I don't care.

Maddox: Yeah. Alright, Dick. My problems this week. Well, my problem was Friend-Zoned Pussies.

(Closing riff starts)

Maddox: Guys and girls.

Dick: My problem was The Pope.

Maddox: The Pope. (mutters)

Dick: See you next Tuesday.

(Voice mail: male voice: (hard to hear) "You just said you bought a wig to tear off pubes, or to make pubes off the wig."

Maddox: Yeah.

"Why not just grow pubes and have real pubes? (laughs)") (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Dick: This guy's pretty entertained by his voice mail.

Maddox: Oh man, that guy's the biggest fan of himself. You really liked that voice mail, huh, buddy? Oh, that caller. I'll tell you why, dickhead. 'Cause I was going to a party, and I was making a costume, and I don't wanna make everyone at the party barf with my real pubes on my shirt.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Well, what you did was a little racist.

Maddox: How's that?

Dick: What?!

Sean: Because you bought an afro to make pubes out of.

Maddox: Yeah. Afros look kinda pube-y. Pubes look like afros. I got a big FRO…'

Sean: So you're saying black people have pubes on their head? (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: Yep! That's what he's saying, Sean!

Maddox: Yeah, that's what I'm saying, Sean.

Dick: Yep. (laughing)

Maddox: Thank you for…

Dick: You got busted! (cracks up)

Sean: I'm surprised I had to SAY that, right there.

Dick: Sean's the PC police, now!! WEE-OOO.

Maddox: Weee-oooo!!! (laughing)

Dick: You're getting pulled over, Maddox. You're getting a ticket.

Sean: Far from it, just making an observation. (Maddox and Dick still laughing)

Maddox: How does that song go? "We are the PC police! Weeooweeoo!"

Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. (Maddox laughs)

(Voice mail: male voice: "Hey guys. This week, Maddox said that he needed pubes for a costume?"

Maddox: Oh, my gosh, AGAIN?!

"What the fuck is that? What kind of costume possibly requires pubes?"

Dick: That's a good question! (dying)

Maddox: I'll tell you!

"And Dick, go fuck yourself.")

Dick: Ugh, dammit.

Maddox: I'll tell you! I'll tell you what kind of costume.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I was a p…I made a costume one year, where I had a giant vagina on my shirt. And…with googly eyes and teeth. And it was kinda, like, drooling, and the googly eyes looked weird. And it was the PUSSY monster! (Dick giggles) And so I put a bunch of pubes right around the crotch area, like a Merkin.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know what a merkin is?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, so I put a bunch of pubes. And I gave it a little…

Dick: It's a pubic wig, for everybody who doesn't know that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause they're not a fucking weirdo. (giggles) Who would know that, right? Both of us know what it is.

Maddox: Yeah, immediately.

Dick: There's probably 50,000 people who don't know what a merkin is.

Maddox: Dude, in the last two weeks, it's come up so much in conversation, whereas it's never come up before in my life. But anyway, yeah. So I put a…I made this pussy monster have, like, a face, and it had a nose. The nose was, like, the clit. It was kinda cool. And then it had huge pubey eyebrows.

Dick: Ohhh.

Maddox: Yeah. People appreciated the attention to detail. And then…

Dick: Is this…is this canon somewhere, or is this a mythology that you've invented, the pussy monster?

Maddox: I invented it.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I always like to invent my own costumes. So th…because I used, I had the consideration and foresight to use fake pubes, girls came up to me and they started petting my chest. They said, "Ohhh, can I touch the pubes?" I'm like, "Yeah of cou…touch my pubes all day, baby." And then, you know, one pube leads to another, and next thing you know, Bangtown!

Dick: Did the carpet… (Maddox laughs) Does the carpet match the pecs?

Maddox: Uhhhh…yeaaaaaaaah.

Dick: Is that how it would go?

Maddox: Hmmm?

Dick: Sounds like you needed a lot of pubes.

Maddox: No friend zone there, buddy.

(Voice mail: male voice: "Dude, why are you proud of this wig?" (they crack up)

"I don't know…still don't understand why you couldn't just use your own pubes or your arm hair…"

Maddox: Idiot.

"Or your chest hair…or your leg hair…or any hair. Why'd you have to buy a wig? I feel like you really just wanted a wig to wear around. I don't think it had anything to do with pubes. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Is this the same guy?

Dick: I think it might be.

"I think now it's just sort of terrible…terrible… (Maddox cracks up) that you're pushing too hard.")

Dick: Well, you got the answer.

Maddox: Alright, yeah. You got the answer. You know what? You know what, Dick? Um, I'll tell you why I didn't use my own pubes. Uh…in addition to what I just said. So, I'd been on set, and when I have…I have the Lav mics on me. For people who don't know, a Lav mic is a little mic that you put on your body.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It's kinda like what newscasters wear.

Dick: And a set is where bigshots go to shoot their fucking TV shows. (Maddox cracks up) Right? While you're defining all these terms for us.

Maddox: Dick, it's all I've done for the last three weeks. But…so, at the end of every night, when I pull off this tape from my chest. They tape it directly to my CHEST.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I rip it off and there's this ball of hair on the tape. 'Cause it's basically duct tape on my chest.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I pull it off and I show everyone. Everyone gets grossed out, like, people start dry-heaving. (Dick scoffs) and I took a picture of it. Because it's like pulling stems and shit outta my chest. So I took a picture of it, and it's so gross. I was gonna post it on Instagram, but I thought I didn't wanna ruin everyone's day. You dickheads wanna know…

(file cuts off)