Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 60

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel

Today's show is brought to you by our own bonus episode!

(Biggest Solution theme riff plays)

(Bonus episode clips play)

"Dick: Same as guys!!

Maddox: Dick, you have…you have been slapped by more women than any other guy I know in life.

Dick: Yeah, (snickers), and each one was a learning experience…

Maddox: For them or you?

Dick: For them, not me.

Maddox: (cracks up) Okay.

Dick: For them. (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. They learned what your face felt like."

"Dick: What is one bigger solution than GPS?

Maddox: Computers. Internet. Cell phones. Radio waves.

Dick: Cell phones? (skeptical)

Maddox: Electricity.

Dick: But GPS is only good. There's no down sides to GPS.

Maddox: Yes, there are.

Dick: It's a…what's a downside to GPS?

Maddox: You can be tracked and stalked. You can be harassed. You can be spied on. And they can find out where you are at all times at all locations…anywhere on Earth!

Dick: Hmm. Alright, that's a good point. But do you know who we have to thank for GPS? Ronald Reagan. That's like the guy who discovered that round rocks roll down hills.

Maddox: Ugh, okay. (annoyed)

Dick: The man who turned that into the wheel.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Ronald Reagan. (Maddox laughs)"

"Maddox: Anything else? What else you got for GPS?

Dick: I brought in mostly things about Reagan.

Maddox: Okay. (laughing)

Dick: To be honest. (Sean laughs) Tax reform."

"Maddox: I wouldn't say that that's what spawned my first book. It wasn't vanity. That was philanthropy. (Dick cracks up)"

(Clips end)

Dick: Now available at http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com.

(Actual episode theme riff plays)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from "Ants" to "AIDS", with over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems! I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyy! What's up, buddy?! (grins)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back.

Dick: Sean, welcome back from the Penis Contest!!!!

Sean: Thank you. Thank you very much.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How was it? Did you win?

Sean: Man, do you know how many questions from my family I have to answer because of you two fuckers? (Dick giggles) (Maddox cracks up)

Dick: Does your family listen to this? (grins)

Sean: Like "Ehhh, I woulda gone. Why didn't you invite me?" (Dick and Maddox laugh)

Maddox: Big, uh…penis aficionados in the…

Dick: (interjects) Proud of their penises. They've been penising for years!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: For generations. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Guys, I wanna talk a little bit before we begin the show about the show itself, and…we are at 3.5 million downloads.

Dick: Ooh.

Maddox: If you heard that…if you were paying attention. Which is huge! But not big enough. Not big enough for THIS ego.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Right?!

Dick: I don't think it is big enough.

Maddox: We need to grow this audience, guys. So I wanna make a push. I'm curious. I want to see what you guys have to say in the comments about ideas of growing the show. (grins) Here's the thing. I don't want to grow the show to people who don't deserve to listen to it.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Here's what I want you guys to do. Here's a little homework assignment. I want you to go look at the top 10 comedy podcasts on iTunes or Stitcher, or any website.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Just take…just listen to a minute or two of the top 10 comedy web…uh, podcasts. And compare the quality of their podcast to ours. Compare the audio quality. Compare the pacing. Compare the…dialogue. The conversation. And just see the caliber of show we are delivering to you.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Because someone recently criticized the Marc Maron show…

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I don't wanna be shitting on the Marc Maron show, like, what…you know, whatever. He's got a very successful show. But he did a show with Obama and people couldn't believe how bad it sounded.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The audio sounded awful.

Dick: They didn't have Sean.

Maddox: No Sean.

Dick: Not even Obama has access to Sean.

Maddox: No. Obama doesn't have enough money or power!! He sends me emails every day!!! (laughs) "Hey Maddox, lemme have Sean for a few minutes." Anyway, yeah. I just wanted to mention that, guys. Uh, Dick…Dick and I just finished recording our bonus episode.

Dick: Yeah, and if your problem…if the reason you didn't buy a bonus episode thus far is because there wasn't enough rancorous fighting on the bonus episodes…(giggles) we solved that for you this episode!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. We solved that problem. (Dick guffaws) And we had a mid-stream Solutions switch.

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: By a shifty fuck!

Dick: 'Cause you fucked me!

Maddox: Ohhhohoho!!! (laughing)

Dick: You're the shifty fuck!

Maddox: Yeah, 'cause I fucked you on a show where there is no contest!

Dick: Yeah. We also played a…a game. A fun board game brought in by CallDaCopsIDGAF. Right? Should I mention that? Anthony Meleen…uh, Mollison (poorly pronounced)? Yep. That's what I'm going with.

Maddox: Anthony Mollison.

Dick: Mollison.

Maddox: Anthony Mollison. He also sent us, Dick, um…

Dick: (interjects) Lemme read you what he said on the back of this game board.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Dear Dick and Maddox, thank you for such a kick-ass podcast. It's way better than Marc Maron's." He didn't say that, I added that. "You guys never fail to make me laugh. This is my gift of appreciation to the crew for giving me something so enjoyable. As long as you continue to release new material, I'll keep consuming."

Maddox: Right. He sent us an entire board game that he made. But, uh…Dick, before we go on…

Dick: (interjects) Which you won! Because at the end of the game, you were the closest to the start.

Maddox: Whoa, well, well, yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what we determined at the end of that episode?! (giggles)

Maddox: Yes!!

Dick: You shifty fuck!

Maddox: That's how you win!! Guys.

(Drum roll sound effect)

Maddox: The problems from last week…ranking number one was Selfie Sticks!!

Dick: Hmm. (unimpressed)

Maddox: Biggest problem in the universe, selfie sticks. Followed by No Fumar.

Dick: Oh, man. (annoyed)

Maddox: The No Farting problem.

Dick: You know what, everybody?! Fine! (angry) Let 'em take everything away from us!

Maddox: Ohh. (scoffs)

Dick: Let 'em take the cigarettes! Let 'em take the drinking! You know, push the…push the smoking age up to 47! That's when we're adults, right? Right? Right before you hit 50. That's when you're ready to make choices about your life, right?! (yells) Not 18, not 21?!? Oh, fuck, not even 25!!

Maddox: Yeah. I…it looks like they haven't taken away your soapbox. (giggles) Crybaby.

Dick: You know what? You know what, Maddox? You know what you're doing?

Maddox: What?

Dick: You know what you and all your cronies are doing?

Maddox: What are me and my cronies doing?

Dick: Who hate…who hate cigarettes so much?

Maddox: Yeah. What?

Dick: Who hate the smell of cigarettes, by the way.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's not…it's not the smoking. They don't care about the science or the health behind it, it's just the smell. It's just the smell.

Maddox: It's not. But go on.

Dick: It's just the smell. You guys? You're loading a gun. You're loading… a gun.

Maddox: Yeah. (unimpressed)

Dick: That in 50 years, the government is gonna turn on meat.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're gonna take that gun that you guys loaded, and they're gonna point it at meat. And they're gonna say "You know what? Meat is bad for you. You're not allowed to eat as much meat as you want."

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: That's what's gonna happen, 'cause it's the same thing.

Maddox: Yeah, it's really dangerous, too, because when I'm in a restaurant eating a steak, someone sitting next to me who's a vegetarian might get some of that residual secondhand steak in their stomachs, right, Dick?

Dick: You mother…hey. You don't get any (Maddox laughs) secondhand smoke when you're outside!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it's banned outside.

Maddox: Well, you do. (grins)

Dick: You're not allowed to smoke in your fucking APARTMENT in some cities!

Maddox: Smell my t-shirt, dickhead! (yells) I was in a bar last night just standing next to someone who was smoking, not even that close! Like, four feet away, and I smell like a fucking chimney!

Dick: You smell cool.

Sean: I like that he's wearing the same t-shirt from last night. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Shut up, Sean. (laughs)

Dick: Sean, we're so glad to have you back from your penis contest.

Sean: Thank you.

Dick: Tim Johns says , "Tell Sean he's never allowed to take off from another podcast ever again. It just wasn't the same without his minutes' worth of chime-ins and laughter. If Sean wants to spend his Saturdays measuring penises, then you and Maddox bring the penises to the studio. (background laughter) If he wants to farm that ass, then you and Maddox find some asses and a ho for his contentment. You do whatever you have to do to keep this well-oiled machine moving."

Maddox: Well, speaking of keeping the well-oiled machine moving, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, wait a minute! I got more about smoking! (angry)

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I got some more stats about smoking. You…you guys also said that if smoking is costing you money in healthcare, then it should be banned, right?!

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And I said "There's no numbers for that."

Maddox: Ahhh.

Dick: If there was a number of how much a smoker is costing healthcare…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We would all know it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because that's all…that's all that would be required of these antismoking bills.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: It would be "here's the number". Guess what? There is a number. You know what the numbers say?

Maddox: What?

Dick: Smokers save the healthcare system money.

Maddox: Yeah, because smoking is now taxed to the point where it's actually feeding into the healthcare system.

Dick: That's part of it! The other part is, smokers die early.

Maddox: Cool.

Dick: So that last 10 years of your life when you, Maddox, because you still wanna ride your bicycle around time, are getting bionic hip replacements and ankle bracelets and knee bracers to keep you moving…

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Smokers are dead!

Maddox: Yeah, because they're…

Dick: (interjects) Or they're sitting in their homes, smoking!

Maddox: Because that's what happened to people who have a temperate amount of exercise in their lives. Who exercise moderately and stay healthy! They need bionic hip replacements, right, dickhead? That's not a genetic condition.

Dick: Smokers aren't costing anybody money. (scoffs, laughing) They just wanna smoke. They're not costing you any money. I brought in a bunch of stats, but I don't care, 'cause I'm bored talking about smoking already!

Maddox: Great, because, fuckhead, they're taxed heavily in America, but the…the smoking operations, the smoking outfits have moved over to the Middle East, and to the Philippines, and to countries where it's not heavily regulated. And to countries where the government is corrupt and can be bribed easily. And so then you have them advertising for kids! I've been to Syria. I've been to the Middle East! And guess who the number one smok…uh, smoking demographic is!

Dick: Kids.

Maddox: 14-year-olds!

Dick: Yeah! That's…that's all over the world! That's the same…that's true in America as well!

Maddox: No, it's not!

Dick: That's when kids start! That's when kids start. They start before they're 18!

Maddox: Well. That's fine, but that's not…

Dick: (interjects) 90% of smokers start before they're 18.

Maddox: But they are not targeted!

Dick: Fuck you! (laughs)

Maddox: They're not targeted and marketed towards like they are as heavily in Middle Eastern and corrupt countries. The smoking operations, yeah, they might be paying into our healthcare system through taxes, but not abroad.

Dick: You know what, kids? It's cool.

Maddox: Cool. Alright.

Dick: Alright? Be like me. I'm not even getting paid for that.

Maddox: Great. (Sean laughs) Dick, uh, before we get onto the comments…

Dick: You're not gonna hear that on Marc Maron!

Maddox: No. (Dick cracks up, Sean laughs)

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: Um, before we get on with the comments. I…we received some fan mail from…some physical fan mail.

Dick: Oh…

Maddox: And…I don't check my P.O box that much. Uh…(laughs) but I finally did, and I got this comment…

Dick: Because…can I say because sometimes when you check it, it's full of loose barbecue sauce…(Maddox giggles) and nobody wants that surprise twice!

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, actually. Oh. (Dick laughs) Actually, Dick, I did get a package, uh, this last weekend. So when I checked my P.O Box…

Dick: Oh, no.

Maddox: Um, I do have a new package I wanna discuss on the show. But first, I got a card. This was sent to us way back at episode number 52. (laughs)

Dick: Oh. So it has been a while.

Maddox: Yeah. It's only been, uh, two months. "Maddox and Dick. Congrats on Episode 52. (Dick guffawing) aka, "Only One Year" in quotes.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: "With Dick's easy calculation, thanks for everything you provide us with. Happy Birthday to the Biggest Problem. Now, go vote up monkeys." And he sent a card that shows a monkey picking his nose.

Dick: Yes! Vote up the solution of Monkeys!

Maddox: The…the problem, dickhead! He's talking about the problem! He says…the card says he "couldn't have picked a better dad than you", and he crossed out "better dad", and says "bigger problem" than you.

Dick: So this is a dad…a Happy Father's Day card that he sent?

Maddox: I…I guess. (Dick laughs) Well, it's for Episode 52, whichever that way. And this was sent by Anthony Mollison.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: The same guy who sent us the board game. CallDaCopsIDGAF on Twitter. "I don't give a fuck". On Twitter. Yeah. Thank you, Anthony! He sent us the card AND the board game. That's fuckin' cool.

Dick: That's cool.

Maddox: Then, I also got, Dick. This is a very special gift.

Dick: Oh. (surprised)

Maddox: From one of our fans. One of our listeners. Her name is Christine Foulton. She sent me an email awhile back and said that she does these art pieces on dollar bills. On different US currency.

Dick: Oooh. Cool!

Maddox: So she sent us some. She asked me if we'd like some for the show.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And she made us custom artwork for each of us.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah, here. I'll present to you first, Sean's. This is Sean's.

Dick: Well, Sean's. Sean's.

Maddox: Okay, yeah. Here you go, Sean. Why don't you…why don't you tell us what it is? There you go.

Dick: "Welcome back from the penis contest".

Maddox: Yeah, welcome back…it's on a dollar bill, and she painted what?

Sean: Oh, my god. She painted two giant dicks and balls with cum dripping out of it…(Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. This is it.

Sean: Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, now, I can't see.

Dick: This is a gift, or this is a gag?

Maddox: It looks really good.

Sean: I don't know.

Maddox: It's a really well done…

Sean: And the cum is dripping onto a hot dog.

Dick: Alllright. (disgusted)

Maddox: Yeah. There you go.

Sean: And it says "stat"…

Dick: As a penis judge, what would this pass as at the penis contest? What would you grade this as?

Maddox: And show Dick. Pass the…pass the dollar around. Yeah.

Sean: They're kinda short dicks.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'll be the judge of that!

Sean: They're not…they're not contest winners.

Maddox: Sean, they're growers, not showers.

Dick: Oh, yeah. Sean, first of all. This one's uncircumcised, on the right. These are really high-quality penises.

Sean: No, they look great!

Maddox: They're high-quality penises, right?!

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: They're shaded well.

Maddox: They look good! Good penises. Next, I would like to present you Dick's. Dick's was drawn on a 20. She spent….this is an actual 20 dollar bill, guys. This is a 20-dollar bill. It even has the marker thing in the corner where they test for counterfeits?

Dick: Alright, let's go. I know what a twenty looks like.

Maddox: There's…there's Dick's. Turn it to the side.

Dick: This is…what do you mean, turn it to the side?

Maddox: It's a portrait. Yeah, there you go.

Dick: Oh, it's a…it's a glass of whiskey!

Maddox: Glass of whiskey.

Dick: Allriiight!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Two ice cubes, that's just how I like it.

Maddox: And, notice…

Dick: (interjects) Two straws, I'll flick those straws right outta there.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: "Top shelf" on the bottom. There's a rainbow on the bottom.

Maddox: And I believe there's a "52" written somewhere there, too. For the proof?

Dick: Lemme see. Uhh…

Maddox: You see it in the glass?

Dick: Oh, yeah! Probably 52 episodes, though.

Maddox: Oh, 52 episodes, that's right.

Dick: 52 proof would be sake, there…

Maddox: Yeah. So she sent me…good one. Good one.

Dick: Drinko McGee.

Maddox: I don't give a shit. (Dick laughs) She sent a note. She said "Maddox, thanks…"

Dick: Oh, this is great!

Maddox: And this is, like, typed, too. This is hand-typed. Well, I guess machine-typed. Um…(laughs) She says, "Maddox, thanks for the laughs x 50 and for accepting your "tip" without hesitation. Good job on being right about most everything. Guardians of Zandar was fucking terrible. Christine." Thank you, Christine! And then there's a little PS here. It says, "PS, sprayed bills with a fixative so they can be handled or recirculated if times get hard." (Dick laughs) That's interesting. So, then, comes mine. Mine's the final one. She spent a 50 on this, guys. This is an actual fifty-dollar US bill.

Dick: Oh, my God!

Maddox: Look at this one. Dick, you…you describe it.

Dick: Oooh!! It's a naked lady!

Maddox: Naked lady!

Dick: It's a naked…uh…it's a naked half-unicorn lady, but she's got a dick instead of a horn.

Maddox: By the way, did you see Colin perk up here? (laughs)

Dick: My brother-in-law is in the studio today.

Maddox: We got…yeah. We got a studio guest. He perked up when you said "naked lady". (grins_

Dick: Naked lady. You like this?!

Colin: Yeah.

Dick: You like this naked lady, Colin? Take a good look at that naked lady.

Maddox: Yeah. Pass it around. She's got a….

Dick: Do you want me to make her dance for you?! Do dooo dooooo, dooo. I'm shimmying the bill from side to side for those of you who can't see.

Maddox: That's everyone.

Dick: Nice…nice rack, first of all.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Those are some big Bs.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Uh, she's also got a sock…she's also got a sock puppet on her hand where it's got devil horns, and there's a very intricate, tiny drawing of your face on her inner thigh.

Maddox: Yeeeeeeeeah. That's usually where you find my face! Inner thigh of women!

Dick: Hmmm. Wow, not me. (Maddox laughs) I make them work.

Maddox: Ahhh. It's no work, my friend.

Dick: What, going down on women is no work? (grins)

Maddox: Not for me, man!

Dick: What do you do, you just…

Maddox: I do that shit in my sleep! (laughing)

Dick: Oh, man! That would be…ohh, I would make that deal.

Maddox: Hey, the snoring's a stimulant! It's like a little vibrator down there! Like a chainsaw. (laughing) Ahh. And finally. I got…I got a package.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Uh…from Justin Deering, I believe. It says, "Maddox…" so you mentioned barbecue sauce? He says "Maddox, I offer you this barbecue sauce in tribute. It has been packaged in a superior manner than previous attempts by persons or butts unknown. I am sending two copies of my book." He's a publisher…errr, a published author.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: "One for you and one for Dick. Please contact me if it would be feasible for me to discuss with both of you guys what I consider to be the biggest problem in the universe, doomsayers, or should that read "end of the world dipshits"?"

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: "I defer to you on the correct phrasing of that and I can be reached at…" bla, bla, bla, and he gave me his email.

Dick: That sounds like a private message.

Maddox: Then he said…then he said here, "If the barbecue sauce does leak, I guess it's not the end of the world." And he sent us this package, guys, I'm pulling out here, (Sean cracks up) a ziplock bag…(laughs) of McDonald's barbecue sauce.

Dick: Yeah. It's leakin'.

Maddox: Tangy barbecue…and it has leaked. (grins)

Dick: It is leaking. So you fucked that up.

Maddox: Yeah. You fucked that up.

Dick: You should have prepped for that doomsday a little better.

Maddox: Although, I will say this, um, it is better packaged than Butt Sanchez's package.

Dick: (laughing) Yeah.

Maddox: Because none of the barbecue sauce has left the ziplock bag, thankfully.

Dick: Well, what else is in there?

Maddox: And he sent us two copies of his book, one for me and one for Dick. And here are the books. The book is called "The End of the World Delusion", and it has a big asteroid on it.

Dick: 2012.

Maddox: With "2012" on it.

Dick: Did he miss the boat on this 2012 thing?

Maddox: Maybe. It says here, the subtitle is, "How Doomsayers Endanger Society", by Justin Deering. Justin, it sounds like you have…(laughs) you have a horse in this race.

Dick: (laughing) Yeah!

Maddox: By bringing in Doomsayers.

Dick: So, wait a minute! Wait a minute! He just got an ad on this show for the cost of four McDonald's tangy barbecue sauce packets?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Sounds like it.

Dick: Did you just get duped into an ad?

Maddox: No! He sent us his book!

Sean: He's a fuckin' genius. (grins)

Dick: Yeah! He's a genius! He sent us his self-published book on the 2012 End of the World Delusion!?!?

Maddox: No, Dick. This isn't…I don't think this is self-published, is it? It's by, umm….Iuniverse.com Press. (laughs)

Dick: Uh-oh. (They all crack up) Speaking of fans…I got some awesome fanart I gotta show you.

Sean: Wait, wait, wait. You guys know there's messages written to you in there?

Maddox: Oh, yeah!!!

Dick: Oh, really?

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. He signed this. Mine says, "To Maddox. The least worst problem in the universe. Congratulations on your latest book. Wishing you a long and healthy career as you make people happy by making other people miserable." Thank you, Justin.

Dick: Uh, "To Dick. Maddox's right-hand man. I'm sure there's a joke in there somewhere." Yeah, it's me. "One year. That's a "titanic" achievement. Congratulations on the 52^nd anniversary. I hope you have as much fun tormenting Maddox as we do listening." I do.

Maddox: Good pun. Thanks.

Dick: Yeah. Okay. Speaking of fanart. Did you see the giant head fanart that somebody made of me?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This week?

Maddox: Pretty well done.

Dick: Pretty well done.

Maddox: It's black and white. Very stylish.

Dick: Pretty awesome, man.

Maddox: It's not…I think that's accurate. It's not.

Dick: Did you see that, Sean? That's the coolest picture of me that I've ever seen. Alright? I got that printed on a t-shirt.

Maddox: Did you really? (giggles)

Dick: Yeah. I got him to send me a high-res version and I got it printed.

Maddox: You can put it on my Spreadshirt shop.

Dick: Uh…

Maddox: Get that up.

Dick: Yeah. I'm wearing a Power Gem, a Titanic heart of the…first of all, did you know…did you know this heart reference, this diamond heart pendant that I'm wearing in the picture?

Maddox: Ugh, I just assume everything is Game of Thrones. Oh, that's Titanic?!

Dick: That's from Titanic, buddy.

Maddox: The gem in Titanic, yeah.

Dick: You're gonna learn all about it in a couple episodes.

Maddox: I will not. (grins) I will not. Alright.

Dick: It's pretty awesome.

Maddox: Garbage.

Dick: Pretty awesome. (smug)

Maddox: Alright. I got a comment from Jordan Scott Ling. He says, "It was panc…" First of all, I want to mention, um, the last episode I mentioned my sister passed away, and a lot of you…there was a huge outpouring of support. Thank you all for your kind wishes and messages to me. Everybody said condolences and their heart went out to me. Everyone was really nice to me in the comments, for the most part. Then, uh, Jordan Scott Ling says, "It was pancreatic cancer, dickhead!" in response to, uh, Bill Hicks dying from cancer. I said it was lung cancer and it was actually pancreatic cancer.

Dick: Bill Hicks actually called in.

Maddox: Oh yeah? (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. To correct you.

Maddox: Well. Let's hear what he says.

(Voice mail, male voice)

"Hey, Maddox, Dick. How's it going? Bill Hicks here, from beyond the grave, and uh…this is how I talk. (Maddox scoffs: Of course.) Well, I just wanted to let you guys know that I know Maddox said in the last episode that I died from lung cancer, but that's a load of horseshit. I died from pancreatic cancer, you fucking retard! (Maddox and Dick laugh) Jesus Christ. What's wrong, you can't handle a little bit of cigarette smoke? Figures from a guy with fucking whiskey as a sorority girl drink. Cinnamon Fireball bullshit." (Dick: "It's a good point.") Anyways, uh, Maddox, go fuck yourself. Dick, keep being awesome."

Maddox: Wow!!! Wow.

Dick: Yeah. Bill Hicks, man.

Maddox: Here you go, Bill Hicks.

(Sound effect, "wrong" buzzer")

Maddox: Pfff. Pancreatic cancer. Gone.

Dick: I forgot to mention that Daggers for Teeth is the one who did that amazing art of me that I'll be posting later.

Maddox: Cool. Daggers…the Twitter account?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Daggers for Teeth. Cool. Umm…

Dick: We also didn't mention gameobliterator.biz.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Made by Denzel Walks.

Maddox: Denzel Walks made that website, gameobliterator.biz. Tom Phillips' website. He's the…designer that Tom Phillips hired to create his website for him.

Dick: Oh, right.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He was…if you remember, Denzel was at our live show.

Maddox: Oh, that's right! That Denzel!!

Dick: Yes, that Denzel.

Maddox: Oh, that Denzel.

Dick: He was wearing a Shovel Knight shirt.

Maddox: That guy's cool. I remember. Yeah, so…one of our fans showed up to our live show, Denzel.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And he created the gameobliterator.biz website on behalf of Tom Phillips, who is a real person and not Asterios Kokkinos.

Dick: Right. Right.

Maddox: Yeah. I got a comment from Matt Barr. He's the Street Fighter guy.

Dick: Ohhhhhhh. (suspicious)

Maddox: He says…oh, and by the way, there was so much acrimony and crying in the comments last time. From people who were defending Super Smash Brothers. You garbage game.

Dick: Hold on. Here you go. I got one who called in.

(Voice mail, male voice)

"Hey Maddox, you stupid-ass piece of shit. (Maddox cracks up)Listen here, you fucker. Smash Brothers is one of the most highly technical fighting games this side of the fucking universe. (Maddox: "Highly technical" (nerdy voice)) So if you wanna talk shit about my game, fucking fight me! (Maddox laughs) I don't care what you want…Marvel versus Capcom, Street Fighter…" (cuts off)

Dick: I think you might lose that one, too. That was good.

Maddox: Did…did my voice just cut out his fucking call?!?! You pussy! Come back here!!!!

Dick: I think he…

Maddox: (interjects) That's it!?!?

Dick: Well, yeah, technology isn't capable when hanging up the phone.

Maddox: Ohhhhh!! Oh well, well, well! You rage quit your own fucking phone call into the show, you pussy!!! (Dick laughs) I'll fight you in real fucking life! How about that?! Is that a technical fight!?!? Punch to the face! Idiot!!

Dick: You wanna fight that guy in real life!?

Maddox: I'll fight that guy in real life! (breaks down laughing) Over Super Smash Brothers!? I'd rather have a real life fight than Super Smash Brothers! I'll go to jail. I don't give a SHIT!

Dick: Okay Maddox. I've got a two-page treatise on why Super Smash Brothers is the greatest fighting game and most technically challenging fighting game…

Maddox: (interjects) Oh, my gosh, man!!!

Dick: …ever made.

Maddox: These fucking crybaby morons!!

Dick: I think they're right, though!

Maddox: No, they're not!

Dick: I watched a slow-motion breakdown…

Maddox: (interjects) So did I.

Dick: Of the Smash Brothers...of a Melee fight.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And there are…there's an incredible amount of moves and countermoves going on.

Maddox: Ooooh. Oooh. Whoa, moves, and countermoves! (dorky voice) You know, Matt Barr sent that video in. He said, "Say what you will about other iterations, Maddox, but Super Smash Brothers Melee is insanely complex and competitive at high levels of play and is totally a fighting game (based off sumo wrestling)…"

Dick: Yes, yes.

Maddox: "And is totally a fighting game…" He's defending that it's even a fighting game. I won't do any angry rant or anything.

Dick: (interjects) It's almost a ballet, it's so complex, right?

Maddox: Oh, yeah. It's a ballet, all right. He says, "I'd just suggest you…" (giggles)

Dick: (interjects) A ballet of carnage.

Maddox: He says, "I suggest you watch this 2-minute video." And then he linked to this stupid YouTube video that half the fucking dipshits in the Comments section last time linked to. It's a video where it shows, "Oh, is Super Smash Brothers not complex? Well, watch this!" and then it's…it shows a sequence that happens over the span of, like, 10 or 15 seconds…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Where some guy knocks the other guy off a cliff. And then, they play it back in slow motion.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And then they show each button sequence that the person presses. And I counted them. It's 36, guys. That's not that fucking complex.

Dick: It happens in, like, two seconds.

Maddox: But you throw two fireballs. Dick, so does fucking two or three fireballs. Why don't you watch Daigo's Street Fighter parry where he won the World Championship. That's fucking complex. Street Fighter is like chess. Super Smash Brothers, you have characters that teleport, you have characters that clone themselves. You have characters that shoot projectiles, you have characters that fall through platforms. You have characters that are big, and it's unbalanced. It's garbage. It's diarrhea. And it's fucking stupid. It's fighting tourism! You guys wanna play a real fighting game? See me on the Street Fighter court, buddy!

Dick: (giggles) I thought you were gonna say "see me in the real world" for a second. (Maddox cracks up) Then I remembered who was talking. Well, I don't know if there's anything in this email that Jacob sent in that will…will counter that. He says, "Melee's AP (actions per minute)… (Maddox groans) rivals that of Starcraft."

Maddox: Whoa!!

Dick: Which means every minute, there are about 300 inputs.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maddox, what does that mean? I'm genuinely asking you what the hell that means.

Maddox: (giggles) It means…okay, what they're talking about is Actions Per Minute. APM, or APS, Actions Per Second, whatever. It's a big pissing contest…

Dick: (interjects) Ooh, alright.

Maddox: Uh…metric. It's a big pissing contest metric that people use to defend their shitty video game when it comes under attack. So, Starcraft users say, "Well a really complex Starcraft fighter does a lot of actions per minute." Guys, you don't have to necessarily do a lot of actions per minute in order for the game to be complex or difficult. And by the way, if you have to press so many fucking buttons all the time…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That doesn't suggest that the game is balanced, does it? You can play a game that you don't press a lot of actions per minute.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Like, for example…uh….what's the…what's the fighter game where you knock each other…

Dick: (interjects) Angry Birds.

Maddox: No. (background laughter, Dick cracks up) Look at all these fucking non-gamer rookies laughing at that joke. That's the dumbest joke I've ever heard in my life. (they all laugh)

Sean: I don't know anything about games. I admit it. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: So funny.

Dick: Keep going. What game?

Maddox: Zero.

Dick: Tekken?

Maddox: That's a 0 out of 5 stars, that joke. (Dick guffaws)

Sean: It's just funny because it was so wrong. (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Alright, Sean. At least you know that. Alright. So, anyway. No. The Dead or Alive. Dead or Alive games.

Dick: Oh, that's a hot game.

Maddox: It's a hot game, right?

Dick: With the boobs?

Maddox: Yeah. But that game…

Dick: (interjects) How about the volleyball version of that game?

Maddox: That game…that game…

Dick: Where you can buy them outfits? Slutty outfits?

Maddox: Not a fighting game. Not a fighting game.

Dick: Mhmm. Depen…

Maddox: (interjects) That game is…is pretty…

Dick: (interjects) I'll wrestle my weasel to that game. (giggles) How's that for a fighting game?

Maddox: Right, Dick. (exasperated) Alright. I'm done talking about this. (Dick cracks up) You guys have RUINED my mood. I'm in a foul mood already. This is gonna be a shitshow.

Sean: "Wrestle my weasel". (trying not to laugh) I've never heard that! (Dick laughs) My favorite was "roughin' up the suspect".

Dick: I'll rough up that suspect! Okay. Okay. Let's put the…let's put the Street Fighter contest to the next level, alright?

Maddox: (interjects) Well hold on. Before we go on.

Dick: Go ahead. Go ahead.

Maddox: I just wanna say. If you…if your fighting game is so fucking complex and cool, why don't you compare it to other fighting games instead of a real time strategy game? You're comparing the number of moves per minute to a strategy game? That's like comparing the number of moves in Street Fighter to chess, you fucking idiot!

Dick: I got another voice mail for you.

(Voice mail, male voice)

"Hey, yo, Maddox, what's going on? This is Vlad. I'm an editor over at Polygon.com. How's it going, bro? (Maddox giggles) I heard about your Street Fighter feed on Twitch, and I tell you what, I was blown away (Maddox cracks up) when I saw your amazing skills at Street Fighter, consisting of Hadokens and more Hadokens…and nothing else. (Dick and Maddox crack up) A truly groundbreaking strategy. (everyone cracking up)I would like to reference you in my "2D Fighting Games for Noobs" article. (all dying from laughter) Feel free to reach me at 866-DICK-GO-FUCK…a nice woman, because Maddox obviously hasn't done that yet."

Maddox: Oooohhhh, boy! (Dick laughing)

Dick: I wonder if that's the same…I wonder if that guy knows the bodybuilding guy who wanted to use your leg day routine.

Maddox: (giggles) Sounds like it!

Dick: Of squats and more squats.

Maddox: Yeah. Menshealth.com. And then, what was the other one? The fitness magazine.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Or…Reader's Dige…I dunno. There's so many of 'em.

Dick: What was that weird speech impediment that he had, though.

Maddox: He…he was a vampire. Um…(laughing)…

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Vlad, here's what I have to say….(Dick cracks up) to you…go fuck yourself. And fuck Polygon! And fuck your bullshit little contest!

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: You don't even understand the strategies of a pro gamer, alright? Why don't you tune into Twitch and watch me, and learn. Because I was on there the other night, Dick. Did you see what I was doing?

Dick: Well, somebody…sent in some stuff that you were doing.

Maddox: Oh, great!

Dick: And it's not…I would call it unholy.

Maddox: What'd they send in?

Dick: Uh…Clay, you know, one of the artists for our show who draws the thumbnails.

Maddox: Yeah! He does the thumbnails, yeah.

Dick: He sent me some things you were making on your Twitch. That you were teaching people how to make in 3D?

Maddox: Okay. Yeah.

Dick: And I…I was…I gotta ask you what this is, 'cause it looks like some kind of aborted fetus that you're showing people how to make. What is that?!

Maddox: Oh, that's Mario! That's Super Mario.

Dick: Oh, my. (appalled)

Maddox: Look…(giggles) It looks like Super Mario! Sean's making a face of approval! Colin thinks it's cool. He's shaking his head no, like, no way that's so good!

Dick: No way a person made that! (laughs)

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah!

Dick: It looks so good! Maddox. This…really. It looks like a pile of shit that someone spray painted to look like Mario.

Maddox: How dare…(upset)…look!! That looks like a pile…(Dick's intense gasping sound effect) That looks like a pile of shit?!!?!? (Dick's intense gasping sound effect)

Sean: It looks like a Harlequin baby.

Dick: Is that my gasp?

Maddox: Yeah, that's your gasp. (grins)

(Dick's intense gasping sound effect)

(Dick tries to imitate it at the same time)

(Maddox laughs)

Maddox: How dare you!?!? How dare all of you!?!?

("Wrong" buzzer sound effect)

Maddox: I'm gonna sue you! I'm gonna sue everyone related to this show!!!

Dick: Well, this is a better angle. You guys tell me. Does that look like Mario? (background laughter), or does that not look…

Maddox: Yeah!

("Ding!" buzzer sound effect)

Dick: So this is…you're making these on your Twitch stream and teaching people how to make this, right?

Maddox: Yeah. That's pretty good.

Dick: Okay.

("Ding!" buzzer sound effect as Maddox tries to reassure himself that it is, in fact, pretty good)

Dick: Um…

Maddox: Looks pretty good to me.

Dick: It looked like…it looks like a baby that someone would have if they, like jizzed it sideways.

(Dick's intense gasping sound effect)

(Maddox cracks up)

Dick: And then there's…I don't…I sent this to Jim Carrey, because I think this next one is the actual cause of autism.

Maddox: Oh, boy.

Dick: It's…you making Sonic the Hedgehog.

Maddox: This is gonna be a good joke. (sarcasm) Let's see this.

Dick: 'Cause that was…that was the joke. (giggles)

Maddox: That was the joke?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (laughing) Great.

(Drum roll)

Dick: Yeah, go ahead, I gotta bring it up here. Where are you, Sonic? Oh, here we go. Okay. This is…this is an animated GIF of you making it. So it should be playing here.

Maddox: Someone made an animated GIF of me making Sonic?

Dick: Yeah. Of your Twitch stream.

Maddox: Cool. That's a tutorial that's…that's a meme! Spread that shit, guys! Learn something for a change.

Dick: But they look…they look awful.

Maddox: Dick…how…

Dick: (interjects) I mean…these look…these look awful.

Maddox: Okay. That was not done. That was a screenshot of it not done yet.

Dick: (inhales) Yeah, but, like, midway through the World Trade Center construction, it didn't look like God had just shit in the middle of Manhattan. And that's what this looks like. It should look like it's shaping into something.

Maddox: Dick, are you a 3D modeler?

Dick: Uh, if you call this 3D modeling, then yes.

Maddox: No.

Dick: 'Cause I've taken shits that look like this before.

Maddox: You're not. Dick. (laughing) You're not a 3D modeler. You don't understand the complexities…

Dick: Alloys…(laughs)

Maddox: (laughs) Alloys and things with molecular structures.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: You don't understand the complexity.

Dick: Uh-huh. (skeptical)

Maddox: You don't understand the mind it takes and the approach it takes to do 3D modeling. So you see that, and you think, (dorky voice) "Uhhh, de de de, I'm dumb. And I don't understand 3D modeling", just like everyone else who was watching that Twitch stream. And you'll take a screenshot of it not being finished and sending that in. You see a house..you see a house being constructed, you don't take a picture of the skeleton…of the…frame of the house, and say, "Look at this piece of shit house." You wait until it's finished. Have the courtesy and respect to let a great master finish his masterpiece before you criticize it. (angry)

Dick: I think we're gonna have to put it up to the fans. You guys can go to the website, http://www.biggestproblemintheuniverse.com, and check out these abortions for yourselves.

Maddox: Please do. And they're not abortions. They're masterpieces.

Dick: Alright. Shall we get on to the problems?

Maddox: Let's do it, Dick.

Dick: We are eatin' up time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. You ready? My problem. Sharks.

Maddox: Sharks. (giggles)

Dick: Sharks. The animal…the shark.

Maddox: Oh. Well, well, well.

Dick: First of all, guys. Sharks are an apex predator.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Okay?

Maddox: Cool.

Dick: That's the same as us. We are apex predators.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they control more land than us.

Maddox: They don't control land.

Dick: Volumetrically. Sure they do. The bottom of the sea?

Maddox: Ehhh…

Dick: You walk into the ocean, who you have to answer to? A shark!!

Maddox: Sharks…

Dick: A shark will come out of nowhere and bite you right in your dick!

Maddox: (laughing) They do…they don't…

Dick: They don't care. They don't even care what they're biting for!

Maddox: They don't bite your dick, Dick.

Dick: Sure…you've…are you promising me that I won't get my dick bitten by a shark if I'm in shark-infested waters?! You can't make that promise, Maddox!

Maddox: Well…

Dick: I don't care how bad you are at 3D rendering, you can't make that promise!

Maddox: I mean, sharks' eyesight isn't that good. Wouldn't be able to find it.

Dick: They go right f…ohhhh. (Maddox laughs) Fuck you!!!

Maddox: It's a one-biter.

Dick: It's a species war, okay? (Maddox guffaws) Between us and the sharks. This is the definition of a race war!

Maddox: (still laughing) It's not!

Dick: Between us and sharks.

Maddox: No, it's not! (laughing)

Dick: This is the definition of a race war that's starting. It's ramping up. (Maddox still laughing)

Maddox: Dumb!

Dick: Sharks have attacked 10 people off the coast of North and South Carolina this year!

Maddox: Whoa! (unimpressed)

Dick: This year! How many sharks have we attacked?! Not enough.

Maddox: Countless.

Dick: That's not enough. That's what I say.

Maddox: We've attacked countless sharks. Chinese people hunt sharks for their fins. For shark fin soup. Makes your boners last long.

Dick: They should hunt them for pride.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We shouldn't even be using those fins.

Maddox: You hate sharks?! (surprised)

Dick: I hate sharks. And I hate everything that has to do with sharks.

Maddox: Oh, I think sharks are cool!

Dick: I hate Shark Week as well.

Maddox: You hate Shark Week?!?!

Dick: I…it's…it jumped the shark.

Maddox: Oh. (laughs)

(Sound effect: Ba-dum-ching cymbals)

Sean: It did. It's nothing but regurgitated footage. There's almost no new footage every year.

Dick: And you know what it is, Sean? It's people telling me how sharks are just being sharks. And they're…it's…it's…it's an entire company devoted to telling me about how sharks are not bad guys. When they are. Every fucking shark-loving piece of shit outta…I went to the zoo with my sister and her kid. And what's the first thing I see when I go into the aquatic area? Is "You know what? Sharks have a bad reputation, but really, they're just being themselves in their own habitats." Fuck that! Them being themselves…us being ourselves is also killing sharks!!! (yells) I'm sick of shark apologists!!! (Maddox laughs) It's like, people…shark apologists are like women who write to prisoners. It's like women who marry prisoners. You know that mindset?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. I'm writing to this guy in jail and I wanna get married. To this dangerous, murderous psychopath.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's…if you're a shark apologist, that's you. 'Cause sharks are murdering machines. (background laughter)

Maddox: They..okay.

Dick: (interjects) That outlived the dinosaurs!

Maddox: First of all, Dick, they're not murdering machines. How often does a human die from a shark attack? Almost…

Dick: I got stats. Hold on!!!

Maddox: Great!

Dick: Don't guess and embarrass yourself.

Maddox: Oh, I know it's almost…

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I have the real stats.

Maddox: I'll say it right now! I'm wagering that it's almost never! It's less than…less than 1000 people a year. What is it?

Sean: Oh no, they think there's only about 100 or so worldwide attacks reported every year.

Dick: Alright.

Sean: It's probably more because some of the…

Dick: Probably a lot more. 'Cause no one reports…the attacks where the guy just got eaten whole, right Sean?! True or false?!

Sean: Well, there's…there's usually a witness.

Dick: Here's the…here's the number of shark attacks since 1580. (laughing) 1100. (Maddox cracks up) In the US…in the US, though. Australia, 650.

Maddox: Well, Australians are juicy.

Dick: That's a lot!

Maddox: Australians are delicious people!

Dick: Those are attacks of spite, though.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's my point. These sharks have to be stopped.

Maddox: They're…(trails off laughing)

Dick: They're invading…they're invading. You know what happens when sharks invade our waters? We do nothing about it!

Maddox: Yeah, well, no. We do, we put up signs and tell people, "Hey, stay out of the water."

Dick: What the FUCK!?!? (upset, voice cracking) Put up a sign that says "You're not allowed to swim here?!?!" FUCK YOU!! (yells)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I swim wherever I wanna swim!! (yells)

Maddox: Oh, yeah? (grins)

Dick: Maybe I polluted this water too much and I can't swim there, but some fuckin' shark isn't gonna tell ME where to swim!!

Maddox: Then fucking swim there, you big fuckin' pussy!

Dick: Then I'm gonna get…

Maddox: (interjects) Get in the water! Get bit!

Dick: Then I'm gonna get my ass bitten off!

Maddox: Oh, waaaaaaah. Not me! I'm not afraid to swim with sharks! I'll punch them! (excited) I've been in a shark cage, buddy! I've barfed on a shark! That's a fact.

Dick: A cage. A cage. What a pussy. Are you gonna fight Matt Barr in Street Fighter in a cage, too, so you don't get hurt?

Maddox: Heh. Real funny. Real funny joke. Uh, this is true, Dick. I have been in a shark cage before. Have you? Have you ever been in a shark cage? Sean?

Dick: No.

Maddox: No. Neither of you.

Sean: No.

Maddox: Bunch of pussies. I've been in a shark cage.

Sean: With Great Whites?

Maddox: Not Great Whites. I'm…I'm working on it!

Dick: No, with tiger sharks!

Maddox: Tiger sharks.

Sean: Oh, well that's pretty dangerous.

Dick: Were they really tiger sharks?

Maddox: They were tiger sharks, yeah.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah. They were. I…'cause I just wanted a picture of me flipping off a tiger shark. (giggles) And I got it. It's amazing.

Dick: Was your hand outside of the cage or inside?

Maddox: It was outside of the cage.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: It was definitely outside of the cage. (excited)

Dick: Might need to see that. (skeptical)

Maddox: And, by the way, this was the first time I ever went snorkeling, too. So someone handed me a snorkel and said "Here you go!" So I had to figure out how to snorkel and get in a shark cage, and take my underwater camera out, and flip off a shark one-handed while taking a photo. I got it. I got the shot. It's amazing.

Sean: So, wait. You're floating at the top of the cage? Because you have to snorkel, so you have to…

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Yeah, this was.

Dick: Ready to jump back in the boat at any moment.

Maddox: Hey, well, you're already in a cage, Dick. You're not making a statement about bravery. Which, by the way, a lot of people are too pussy to get into a shark, cage, too. (disdainful) And by the way, sometimes those break. Those shark cages aren't entirely invincible. So anyway. I got in this shark cage. And the water was really choppy. And I got out. We went down in two different groups, right? This was…I believe in Hawaii, and I got out, and my friend was really nauseous and he barfed overboard. And the captain said, "Go ahead and aim for his buoy". Right?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And…and he hit it. He hit the buoy. But as soon as I see someone barf, I gotta barf.

Dick: It's cool.

Maddox: So the captain said…yeah.

Dick: Do what other people are doing.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: That's cool.

Maddox: When it comes to nausea, you know, if I see someone barf, I gotta barf. So, the captain…I mean, not always, but this…this happened to be…I'll tell you why in a minute. He said "go over to the side and aim for the buoy." And I said "Okay". They were feeding the shark. As the shark came up, I threw up on the shark.

Dick: Good!

Maddox: I threw up three times, and two of them landed on the shark.

Dick: Good, good.

Maddox: I barfed on a shark. Twice. The same shark.

Dick: Fuck sharks!

Maddox: Well. I dunno, man! I think sharks are fucking cool!

Dick: Why are sharks cool!?

Maddox: Although…fuck sharks, yeah. I…I mean, I flipped one off. That's fucking cool shit. I'm fucking cool shit! Sharks are cool because they have big teeth! And they eat things. And they kill things! That's fucking cool! That's why I like lions! Lions are cool.

Dick: You like lions?

Maddox: Lions are cool!

Dick: Alright. (unconvinced)

Maddox: Sean, do you like lions, sharks?

Sean: (in the background) Yeah!

Maddox: Nodding his head. He likes all that shit! It's cool, Dick!

Dick: You know what? Why don't you guys just go fuck a shark, then?

Maddox: Good!

Dick: Fuck both of you!

Maddox: Maybe I will.

Dick: They're taking our beaches, man.

Maddox: They're not taking our beaches, you big pussy! Sharks aren't a problem.

Dick: Uh…Recife in Brazil. One of the most beautiful beaches in the world, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…a little bit up the coast, they build a port. And they have to dig an estuary for the ships, so the ships can come in and dock at the port, right?

Maddox: Right. Right.

Dick: What happened? They created a migration channel for sharks. So now, this beautiful beach is infested with sharks.

Sean: Do you know why?

Dick: Because they're going there to rook.

Sean: There was a huge increase in attacks, and it's because they had a slaughterhouse there, and all the stuff they weren't using, they were sending down that channel and attracting sharks from miles away, and they were attacking people.

Dick: Sharks are a big problem. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Great.

Dick: There you go. While they were interviewing a lifeguard about this beach, a shark bit a woman's butt off.

Maddox: Yeah. (background cackling) Great.

Dick: Maddox.

Maddox: Yeah. Garbage. Garbage problem.

Dick: A dog would never bite a woman's butt completely off.

Maddox: Dogs…have eaten people's faces off, dickhead. And people get bit by dogs way more often than sharks. Dogs give you rabies. Dogs give you all sorts of problems. Dogs ruin friendships. Dogs…I…tell you what, Dick. I have never stepped on shark shit walking around on the sidewalk. (Sean cracks up in the background) Never! Not once have I stepped on shark shit. Not once has a shark ruined my life, or ruined my week, except for on TV. I always walk around and I'm always fucking stepping on dog shit, and you…your defense…you think…what if the sharks, Dick…what if the sharks are just raised by…what if they're raised poorly? What if they're raised by crazy people?

Dick: Sharks?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're all raised by crazy people.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: They're raised by sharks!

Maddox: So…okay. (laughs) Sharks…sharks are doing what they know, best, Dick. Which is to bite the shit off of things.

Dick: You fucking shark apologist!!! This is what you idiots sound like!!

Maddox: Yeah. That said, I'll eat a shark. I don't give a shit. Anyway.

Dick: Wildlife experts say there are now fewer than 3,500 Great White sharks left in the ocean. That's…that makes now the perfect time to strike and wipe them all out. (Maddox laughs) Okay?

Maddox: Great, Dick.

Dick: We do not need these apex predators floating around breeding more Great White sharks.

Maddox: Hah. You sound like a big crybaby. Why don't you go vote up babies? And by babies, I mean Dick Masterson.

Dick: Why do you love sharks so much?

Maddox: They're just cool.

Dick: (scoffs) They're just cool.

Maddox: They're cool. They're the ocean's…they're the ocean's…um, uh, what is it? Well, I want to say whales are the ocean's garbage disposal. They'll eat anything. Whales…they'll eat…

Dick: (interjects) As long as it's plankton. (Maddox guffaws) Yeah.

Maddox: They'll eat anything as long as it's plankton and algae. Yeah. What? What, Sean?

Sean: I was gonna say tiger sharks, they call those things swimming garbage cans.

Maddox: Yeah?

Sean: They will eat anything.

Maddox: Yeah. Well…they couldn't eat my middle finger. Too tough.

Dick: 100 million sharks are killed every year. Not enough. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Not enough. Wow.

Dick: Happy Shark Week. That's what I think about sharks.

Maddox: Yeah. Shark genocide. That's Dick Masterson. Shark genocide activist.

Dick: We're…we're already in the war!

Maddox: Why don't you just round 'em up and put 'em on a train, Dick? Send 'em to Sharkwitz.

Dick: Sharkwitz? (grins)

Maddox: Sharkwitz. Yeah.

Sean: Finocide.

Maddox: Finocide. There you go. Sharks don't bother anyone. Sharks are fucking bored in the sea. They're bored by our boats. By our swimming. By our technology. Sharks are more interested in catching other sharks. Did you hear about that? That big shark that's been catching Great Whites?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. There's this giant shark. It's a relative of…I think its ancestor was Megalodon.

Dick: I think it's a relative of Angelo's mom, isn't it? (Maddox laughs)

Sean: No, no, no, no. It's a bigger Great White.

Dick: Sean, right in the middle of my fucking mom joke, you son of a bitch. (Maddox laughs)

Sean: Go ahead, sorry. (Dick guffaws)

Maddox: Um, yeah, no. Yeah, it's a giant Great White that's been eating other Great Whites.

Dick: Okay, good.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe it's some kind of a robot.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay. Anyway, Dick. Is that…is that all you got?

Dick: Yeah, that's my problem.

Maddox: (sighs) Well, I got a real problem. I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week. French bread! (Sean giggles)

Dick: Oh, g- you're leading with French bread?

(Voice clip: Julia Child…"Water! Salt! Yeast! And a flit gun! That's all you need to make your own French bread! Today, on the French Chef! (theme song))

Maddox: Haha! French bread.

(Sound effect: "Ding!")

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Real problem. Yeah. I'm leading with French bread, Dick! Against sharks? I feel pretty confident about this. (sneers)

Dick: Well…(giggles) 'Kay.

Maddox: Here's what I got. French bread. The crust is awful. The bread dries out immediately and cuts the roof of your mouth. Right? You…do you like French…does anyone like French bread?

Dick: I don't really know what it is. I know what a baguette is.

Maddox: It's a big…it's essentially a baguette, but the one…the stuff that you buy, especially in America. Like I've had baguettes in French..

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: In France, rather. And when they come out of the oven, they're fresh, they're chewy. You get those bubbles inside 'em.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: The crust is…has just enough of that malleability where it's a little bit elastic.

Dick: That was a mouthful. (giggles)

Maddox: Malleability?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. It's not like in"tu"lectuallism.

Dick: Yeah, okay. (laughs)

Maddox: It has the right amount of malleability. It has air bubbles in it. It's delicious. Right? But only when…like, the shelf life of French bread is 2 to 5 minutes. 2 to 5 minutes after, throw it away.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: It's not even worth…like, just put your food in it and walk around with a shoe, because it's that tough. French bread is disgusting and it's awful.

Dick: Do you have a picture of it? I really don't know what French bread is exactly.

Maddox: Yeah. Here you go! Here's some French bread for you.

Dick: Oh, okay. It's a baguette. That's what I thought it was.

Maddox: It's essentially…it's essentially a baguette.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But the stuff that they sell in grocery stores, especially, is awful. They make hoagies with it. They make sandwiches with it. The amount of bread that you get in these loaves versus the crust…the…it's something like 70% of your sandwich is fucking bread. When you make a sandwich on French bread.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's like…it's kind of like a VW Bug, where they have…the ceilings are rounded.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And you have all that wasted space at the…

Dick: (interjects) I know what a sandwich looks like, you son of a bitch! (laughs)

Maddox: (laughing) Well, I don't want you to confuse it for a square tube or anything like that.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you're talking about the box?

Maddox: The bonus episode, when you called a box with no lid on it a square tube. (laughing)

Dick: So you have a problem with too much bread on your sandwiches, Maddox?

Maddox: Too much bread, and also, it cuts the roof of your mouth. It's flavorless, awful bread! It's brittle garbage. That's what French…it's powdery, shitty, bread. It's the shittiest bread. And it's the most common bread. French bread. Why? It's like French fries!

Dick: Does it last a long time?

Maddox: French bread?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No. (scoffs)

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: 2 to 5 minutes. I told you.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Why is it so common, then?

Maddox: I go to restaurants…I don't fucking know, man. It's just…the bread…it's the…it's kinda like the iPhone. It's a shitty phone…

Dick: Oh, God.

Maddox: Everybody objectively thinks the iPhone is a piece of shit! Everybody voted it down…voted down the Android fuckheads problem that you brought in and voted up iPhones, and yet, people still use it!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't know why!!! The touch screen is garbage. By the way, you fucking assholes! (angry, yelling) You won! You idiots won! I have a touch phone now! A touch screen phone! I fucking hate it. I'm always using voice-to-text. It doesn't fucking work. It's inaccurate! It's garbage. I don't have a physical keyboard! My messages are garbled pieces of shit! My noted are garbage!! Everything's garbage on this phone! I can't look anything up! Oh, great, I just missed a call! Fucking garbage. I hate this phone. You won.

Dick: Is it an iPhone?

Maddox: No.

Dick: You should try an iPhone. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: I have, dickhead! Hey! By the way, every time I use an iPhone, I realize another fucking feature that I'd just taken for granted on Android, because it's so FUCKING obvious that it doesn't have to be released in a keynote in the next revision of the iPhone. Which is, by the way, just the same as the last revision! (angry)

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: But every time they have a new innovation that they steal from Android, they say, "Oh, well now you can do this new fuckin' thing!" And every iPhone user gets on Facebook and Twitter and just heralds how genius Steve Jobs is. (whines) "Oh, suck your dick, Steve Jobs." "Uuuuh, blab la bla!! Dicks, dicks, dicks!" All over their face. Jizz all over their face! They love Apple products. And here's the innovation…here's the thing you can't do with iPhones.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Is there a single button that just clears out all the windows that you have open? No!

Dick: The Home button.

Maddox: No, there isn't. No, that doesn't…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean?

Maddox: That doesn't…when you have the Apps listed, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: You have to slide off each app individually. To get rid of them.

Dick: Oh, you wanna, like, shut them down?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Do you really…why would you want to do that, though?

Maddox: Oh, exactly! That is the number one argument I get from a dipshit Apple user! (Dick guffaws) As soon as you point out a deficiency, they say, "Well, why would you want to do that?" And you know what they said when I first pointed out that iPhones can't send MMS messages?

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: That's a picture message, for you fucking idiot Luddite dullards who don't understand because you're using iPhones. By the way. They said, "Well, we wouldn't use that anyway!" and then when I pointed out that you can't install apps. The original iPhone..

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Didn't allow people to install apps. And you know what the number one fucking rebuttal was?!?! (whiny voice) "Well, we wouldn't use that anyway, because we can use web apps! Buuuuh!!"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Idiots!

Dick: So why would you want to clear the apps that you have?

Maddox: No reason, Dick. Because for somebody to argue that the Apple iPhone is timesaving because it saves the few seconds of you reaching into your pocket and checking your cell phone? Your time is so precious, and yet, you have alllll the time in the world when it comes to turning off apps and shutting them down! (angry, yelling) You don't see any value in pressing one button and getting rid of all of your apps at once.

Dick: I don't shut my apps down. Why would I do that?

Maddox: No shit! Yeah, why would you…why would you want your phone to run more efficiently and be more battery effective, right?

Dick: Aren't they just, like, in RAM, suspended somewhere?

Maddox: (giggles) Eh, well, you think. No, they're running.

Dick: Well they're not running.

Maddox: They're running in the background. They're taking up RAM. And by the way, that RAM is a precious resource.

Dick: Well….

Maddox: When you get phone calls?

Dick: I don't think they're doing that, though.

Maddox: Well…doesn't matter what you think. (Dick laughs) The fact is, they are.

Dick: It kinda does.

Maddox: No, it doesn't. Because it wasn't even until the latest version of the iPhone that they released a task manager that showed you specifically which apps were using battery.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: So, now that they do, you can see all these apps running in the background on your phone, sucking up your precious battery resources. And your bandwidth. And your data. All this shit that's just running the background on your iPhones. You fucking dullards don't even understand what your phone is doing. Garbage. Anyway, French bread. Vote it up.

Dick: So can you not shut down your apps on French bread, either? (background giggles) (Dick laughs) What's the problem with French bread?!

Maddox: I told you. It's dry and disgusting.

Dick: So it's stale bread.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What kind of bread do you like?

Maddox: Well, I…

Dick: (interjects) Cause I think French bread's pretty convenient. You just chop off the tip.

Maddox: Oh, great. (giggles) You chop off the tip.

Dick: Chop of the tip, you make yourself a sandwich. You can't make a Reuben out of it. You need some rye for that. But if you just want a little cheese and bologna sandwich…(Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: Ah, I guess I got nothing, Dick. You want a cheese and bologna sandwich, guys…(giggles) Go ahead and vote down French bread.

Dick: Alright. (laughs)

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Are you done with that?

Maddox: French bread.

Dick: Or do you have more on French bread?

Maddox: No.

Dick: Or more on Apple, God forbid.

Maddox: That…the entire problem was about French bread. There you go.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So…yeah, that's all I got.

Dick: My turn?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Hiccups.

Maddox: Hiccups? (grins)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's not what you told me!

Dick: What'd I tell you?

Maddox: You didn't say hiccups were your problem this week!

Dick: What'd I say it was?

Maddox: You said, here, I'll pull it up. I have the text message. Hold on. Lemme fumble around with this touch screen. It's fucking awful, shitty technology.

Dick: Oh, I said computer graphics, didn't I?

Maddox: No. You said…oh, you just said sharks. I didn't even know…you didn't say that you had a second problem.

Dick: You got me.

Maddox: Hiccups.

Dick: Hiccups.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Every time I get the hiccups, I am afraid that I will have them for the rest of my life.

Maddox: (groans) Ugh.

Dick: It is…I am more afraid of hiccups than I am of getting pulled over by a cop while I'm drunk. Do you understand how frightening that is? There is nothing more frightening than getting the hiccups.

Maddox: It's frightening that you drive drunk…you shouldn't be afraid that you're gonna get pulled over that you're driving drunk. You should be afraid that you're driving drunk.

Dick: I am afraid of that, too.

Maddox: Okay. (giggles)

Dick: But not as afraid as getting pulled over.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Have you ever had the hiccups, Maddox? (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: Terrifying. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Okay. Tell me…

Dick: (interjects) Charles Osborne.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Charles Osborne hiccuped for 68 years.

Maddox: Dick, you realize that that's an extreme outlier in the statistics, right? That's really unlikely.

Dick: But it could happen. Anybody could be Charles Osborne.

Maddox: No. That's not true.

Dick: What do you mean, it's not true?!

Maddox: Charles Osborne had some specific condition that obviously is really uncommon, otherwise you'd hear about more Charles Osbornes.

Dick: Jennifer Mee of Florida hiccuped for 35 days.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Can you imagine that?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What w…you couldn't even function.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Hiccuping for 35…it could happen to anybody. That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Dick, I function all the time when I hiccup. It's just kind of annoying. You know this show, where it's not about our minor grievances and annoyances? (grins)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's a minor grievance and annoyance.

Dick: Bob Taylor. 27 years hiccuping.

Maddox: Yeah. Well. Big problem, Dick. Are you also, like, one of these people…let's call them kids. Who, when the lights go off, they're afraid that it will be dark forever?

Dick: No, I don't care about that.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay.

Dick: But hiccups I'm terrified of.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You're afr…you're…Dick. I don't believe this. I don't believe that you are genuinely that stupid to believe that you might never stop hiccuping when you hiccup (cough)

Dick: What, do you just get them and then you just know that they're going away, so you're fine about it?

Maddox: Yes. Because basic human physiology is the same. And most people experience the same calamities the same way. Most people experience pain the same way. Most people orgasm the same way. Most people sneeze the same way. So when I get a hiccup, I know that it's going to stop eventually, because it stops in most people.

Dick: But you don't know. You don't know for sure. (Maddox stammers) Chris McKernon starting hiccuping at 19. And he hiccuped for 60 days. 1.4 million hiccups.

Maddox: They…they calculated the number of hiccups.

Dick: He did. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. That's a real useless number.

Dick: Yeah. Well, it's a bigger problem than fuckin' bread!

Maddox: French bread.

Dick: French bread.

Maddox: No, you know what? Let's call it fuckin' bread. 'Cause that's what it is, is fuckin' French bread. It's fucking awful. And by…I looked high and low for this documentary, or, it was a video, not a video, an article I read a long time ago. I think it was on BBC.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It talked about how all these chefs were going to be calling a boycott on French bread, because they said it was universally the worst bread. Everybody hated it. All the chefs hated it. It never adds to the food. It only takes away.

Dick: Yeah, but it's convenient.

Maddox: It fills your gut. Might as well eat a sponge.

Dick: It's convenient and it's fun, like a sword. Like, you can brandish it.

Maddox: The only reason it's convenient, Dick, is because it's around everywhere. If they replaced that bread with something better, then that bread that's better would be convenient, wouldn't it?

Dick: Like a bunch of rye? Like you're gonna take a bunch of handfuls of rye bread camping with you?

Maddox: No. I'll tell you what's good. Naan bread. Huh? There's a real fuckin' slice of bread, buddy!

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Naan bread. Carry that shit around. I'll eat that shit for days.

Dick: Oh, Naan, the Indian bread?

Maddox: Naan. The Indian bread? Yeah, it's delicious.

Dick: Lil…lil thick and heavy.

Maddox: No it's not, man! Naan bread is thinner than French bread.

Dick: It's like a tortilla.

Maddox: It's denser than French bread, but it's not thicker.

Dick: Okay, denser.

Sean: You ever have that Ethiopian bread?

Maddox: It's awful.

Sean: It's kinda spongey?

Maddox: I hate it.

Sean: That thing is fucking great! It's like sourdough, but it's really…

Dick: It's great.

Maddox: Noooo. No.

Sean: Yeah, it's like, injer, or something like that?

Maddox: It's sour and it dissolves in your mouth. Ethiopians are not known for food, buddy.

Sean: (stammers)

Maddox: Alright? I'm gonna say it. I'm gonna say it.

Sean: Their food is good, man!

Maddox: It's good to avoid. (Sean groans) Here's the thing with Ethiopian food. I finally have had good Ethiopian cuisine, where I would still place it…the best I've ever had was pretty good. Still only an 8 on the scale compared to average Indian food.

Sean: I agree, Indian food is better.

Maddox: Yeah. Indian food is way better. Ethiopian food often gets compared to Indian food, because it's saucy and you eat it with that big thing. With a big piece of bread.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But that bread…first of all, let's not call it bread. Let's not insult bread by calling Ethiopian bread "bread". It's not.

Dick: What kind of bread do you like?

Maddox: I told you. Naan bread.

Dick: That's your favorite kind of bread?

Maddox: Naan is great! I like…I like wheat. I like wheat bread.

Dick: Ugh, that's the worst kind of bread. (disgusted)

Maddox: No, man!

Dick: Wheat bread? The brown stuff?

Maddox: Some honey wheat?! You know what? You want some good bread, buddy? I'll make you some bread. I'm a breadmaker.

Dick: Yeah. (not convinced)

Maddox: I make really good bread.

Dick: Like you make 3D renders? (Sean cracks up) Is your bread gonna come out looking like I just shit it?!

Maddox: No, fuckface!! (background laughter) (Dick cracks up) If you just…if you walk into the kitchen and you just drink my…my yeast while it's leavening.

Dick: Oh, God! That sounds disgusting!

Maddox: That's essentially what you're doing with my beautiful works of art. My 3D art. That you're judging before it's finished.

Dick: Yeah. (skeptical)

Maddox: Sean, you've had my bread. I…I make cinnamon raisin bread. Sean, you've had my bread. I want you to tell…tell the world. The audience that we're broadcasting to. The entire world. What you think of my bread.

Sean: It was good, but I was REAAAAAALLY hungry.

Maddox: Fuck you, Sean!! (Dick cracks up) Why do you have to qualify it?!!? That's the dick qualification. Fucking bullshit. I get shit on all over. Dick, I wanna get to my last problem here.

Dick: (scoffs) Yeah, okay.

Maddox: My last problem….

Dick: Are we comparing this episode to the top ten comedy podcasts?! (grins)

Maddox: (laughing) Yes! Because I'm gonna save it right here.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Alright? Biggest problem in the universe is horses.

(Sound effect: Horse neighing)

Maddox: Yeah! Horses. Horses are the biggest problem, Dick. Way bigger problem than sharks. 'Kay? You know what I hate, Dick? Horses. You know what I love? Horse meat and glue. Two of my favorite things. Horse meat and glue. While animal-based glue has fallen out of style in the last 60 years or so, some companies still make animal-based glues, which is awesome for book setters, because it takes longer to set, which gives book setters more time to work on their books. That's a fact.

Dick: Oh. I didn't know that.

Maddox: Yeah. They still use animal-based glues in a lot of books. Horses are stupid. That's a fact. I looked it up. There's a website called Quora, where people ask questions and get them answered. Someone asked "are dogs smarter than horses?" and it's kinda like Yahoo Answers, but the people who answer are supposedly experts.

Dick: (guffaws) So it's exactly the same as Yahoo Answers?!? (laughs)

Maddox: Well, Yahoo Answers lets anyone answer, but…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, okay. Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. This has supposedly experts answering, right.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: The first sentence of the answer to the question "are dogs smarter than horses?" says, "Dogs and horses have very different kinds of intelligence."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Already, that first sentence in and of itself is bullshit. The article goes on, "Horses never make the same mistake that dogs do. They never think that you're another horse." Wel, that's good, because I'd hate to be mistaken for a big, dumb animal with goofy teeth and giant, dopey eyes on the side of my head like a fish!! Horses are like land fish with giant legs and they shit everywhere! They're…they're worse than sharks! They're like the sharks of the land, buddy! You don't like sharks, then vote up horses, 'cause horses…

Dick: (interjects) How many horse attacks have there ever been?

Maddox: Horses attack people all the fucking time! Just YouTube it! There's tons of horses kicking people and gnawing at people and neighing! (neighs like a horse)

Dick: Hmm.

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Maddox: Stupid. Listen to that stupid laugh.

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Dick: That's not a laugh. (giggles) That's the sound they make.

Maddox: Sounds like they're laughing.

Dick: They're not laughing at you. Is that why you hate them?

Sean: He feels really paranoid 'cause one time he was at a farm and he thought a horse laughed at him.

Dick: Yeah. He was pissing and the horse came by and he's like, "are you laughing at my dick?!" (laughs)

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Maddox: Fucking hate horses, man.

Dick: Why?!? (incredulous)

Maddox: I'm getting to that. Here's a fact. Did you know that the smell of horse manure is the number one reason people have a bad time at state fairs? Yeah.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That's a fact. As if corn dogs and shitty friend food needed the aid of horse shit to taste awful.

Dick: You don't like state fairs, either?

Maddox: No, they're fine.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: I just don't like the constant whiff of horse manure.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Being shoveled into my nose.

Dick: Alright, city boy. (grins)

Maddox: Wafted into my…ohohoo, wow!!! (Dick laughs) Dick Mas…Slick Dick Masterson.

Dick: You don't just get used to it? That's what it smells like.

Maddox: Yeah. You can get used to the smell of shit, Dick. That's also called not showering. It's awful. Here's some more from Quora. That article. It says, "Like elephants, horses display an almost obsessive love of learning." Yeah, that's how I would describe a horse.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: As displaying an obsessive love of learning. Horses just love to read.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Those fucking animals. Street sharks.

Dick: You really value intelligence in animals, don't you? That was your…I think that was your big problem with dogs, too, that they're not smart enough.

Maddox: Dogs…people always say dogs are so smart. Well, if they're so fucking smart, why don't they build an oil platform?

Dick: Yeah. (laughs) 'Cause they're dogs.

Maddox: Yeah. Exactly.

Dick: What if it was, like, Mr. Ed was a horse? Where he could talk to you.

Maddox: He is.

Dick: And, like, be a human.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Then would you like horses?

Maddox: I would respect them a little bit more, but it depends on what they have to say.

Dick: All-Libertarian agenda. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: Fuck that horse!! Turn it into glue, man! I fucking love glue.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: This is why…so the article goes on. "This is why they're so amenable to human taming. We teach them what to do and they love us for it." Yeah. Way to interpret a horse's emotions, you fucking ape! (silly voice) "As far as the horse is concerned, by learning what to do, they gain the kind of control for their world that they can appreciate. Horses aren't terribly interested in "why?" The question why. (silly voice) "If a horse displays curiosity, it is usually because he or she wants to know what will happen in a given situation and learn what he or she should do about it." Yeah. 'Cause that's what horses are doing. They're sitting there, observing other horses and other people and trying to decide…

Sean: This is…this is really anthropo…(sighs) anthropomor…I can't even say it.

Maddox: Anthropomorphic!

Dick: You can do it. No, let him do it! Let him do it.

Sean: Anthropo…bleh. (they all crack up) I can't do it. This is all getting cut.

Maddox: No!

Dick: No!! No!!

Maddox: No. No. (grins)

Dick: Nope!

Maddox: Sean, it's anthropomorphic, and what they're doing…

Sean: (interjects) Anthropomorphic, thank you.

Maddox: It is also teleological, Dick.

Dick: No, it's not! It's just you bitching about horses not being smart enough!

Maddox: Yes, it is.

Dick: It's…it's, like, you're comparing them to a human for some weird reason.

Maddox: No, I'm not. This is the article, Dick. That's what they're saying.

Dick: It's not an article. It's a Q&A on Quora.

Maddox: Well, whatever. He says, (silly voice) "They convey their emotions to one another by moving in an emotive way so that any horse seeing it automatically experiences some of the same emotional state, a condition akin to the one in which humans respond to in a song." (scoffs) Yeah.

Dick: Well, that sounds true, if stupidly said.

Maddox: Well, there you go, Dick! I guess it fucking sounds true! Must be true! (angry) (stammers) If this Quora article comparing horses' intelligence to dogs and elephants sounds convincing enough, fine! Go ahead and fucking marry your fucking…street fish! Your street shark! Horses.

Dick: Horses have done more for the human race than probably any other animal.

Maddox: Garbage. What have they done?

Dick: Well, they were cars for thousands of years.

Maddox: Okay. Horses are not cars. Go on.

Dick: They were transportation before cars.

Maddox: We…we used them for transportation . And by the way, Dick. I love riding horses. 'Kay?

Dick: What are you, a 14 year old girl? (grins) You get off your bicycle and jump on a horse?!!? (cracks up)

(Sound effect: "wrong" buzzer)

(Sound effect: booing)

Maddox: So fucking tired of this. (Dick laughing) Dick, I have some good news. (Dick still laughing) I've been railing about horses for a while now.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: But I have some good…good horse news. Some actual good horse news.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Here it is. In 2011, 2011. President Barack Obama quietly signed into law a spending bill that restores horse slaughtering in America.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: The reason, well, it turns out that they banned horse slaughtering for meat in America.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: And the ban backfired, because the horse slaughtering industry went to Canada and Mexico. This is from the Washington Times.

Dick: That'll happen. (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. Without FDA oversight. So they just started slaughtering horses in Canada and Mexico.

Dick: And Mexico.

Maddox: Without FDA oversight.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then sending that tainted meat, often times, to the US.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And people were getting sick from eating horse meat. The ban was in place in 2006 when the US funded inspectors checking on horse butchering plants were simply defunded.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That essentially ended the industry. So Barack Obama, in 2011, quietly signed into law allowing horse slaughtering again. That's one of my favorite things that he's ever done. The horse slaughtering bill.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: That's cool. And this is from the Washington Times. "A June report by the Government Accountability Office, Congress' chief investigation branch said that the ban depressed prices for horses in the US and led to a surge in the reports of neglect or abuse as owners of older horses had no way of disposing of them, short of selling them to foreign slaughtering facilities were US Humane Slaughtering Protections do not apply. So there you go.

Dick: Did you know that the Mongols, in addition to riding their horses, when they ran low on supplies and water, would drink the horses' blood?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. How about that? Pretty useful.

Maddox: Makes sense.

Dick: Pretty useful.

Maddox: Yeah. Pretty useful.

Dick: Pretty useful animal.

Maddox: Eating horses is definitely a solution, but horses by themselves…

Dick: They ate them…

Maddox: They have those beady fucking eyes that are always staring at you from the side of their head, like a fucking fish. You know, what's the difference between a flounder…what's the difference between a guppy, or a goldfish, and a horse? Pretty much just legs. They're no fucking different. They're both stupid animals.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Buh, buh, buh. With their stupid mouths open, agape.

Dick: So you…what are you, like, a cat guy? 'Cause cats are more intelligent than that. Are you, like, big into cats?

Maddox: I'm a parrot guy. Cats are okay.

Dick: (laughs) 'Cause it'll just repeat whatever you say? That makes sense.

Maddox: Yeeeeeeeeeeah. (grins) That's…now that's a smart fuckin' bird.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Birds are way smarter than horses. And by the way, I've never had to worry about stepping on bird shit. Yeah, birds'll shit on you sometimes.

Dick: They'll shit all over your car.

Maddox: But so will horses! You ever seen a horse with diarrhea?!

Dick: Nope.

Maddox: Sprays fuckin' everywhere. There was a horse one time.

Dick: Pony Express. You heard of that?

Maddox: Yeah. Where are they? Are they still in business, Dick?

Dick: Yeah. They're called USPS.

Maddox: But they're not delivering their mail by ponies, are they?

Dick: No. (giggles)

Maddox: No, they're not.

Dick: Because we've got cars.

Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause cars are better than horses. You know what else is better than horses? Humans. Technology.

Dick: Yeah…

Maddox: Horses are yesterday, man. Horses are the past. Cars and rocket ships are the future.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Humans are the solution. Humans are the final solution to horses. (cracks up)

Dick: I think you're gonna get some pretty big downvotes on this one.

Maddox: I don't think so, man. I…I believe in our fans.

Dick: They're very useful, horses. You couldn't have a cowboy without a horse.

Maddox: I'm not denying they're useful, Dick. I'm saying they're annoying animals with their beady mouth…their beady eyes and their big, fucking buck teeth.

Dick: I don't think they're…(Maddox neighs) I don't think they're a big problem, though.

Maddox: They're a BIG problem.

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Dick: Alright. (exhausted)

Maddox: Listen to that stupid laugh.

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

(Maddox imitates the horse)

Dick: It's not a laugh.

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Maddox: (neighs) What do you think's so funny, dickhead?!

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Maddox: (goofy voice) "I unno!" (Dick laughs) What are you laughing at?

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Maddox: I unno!!! (goofy voice) (background laughter) What do you think's smarter, you or an elephant?

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Maddox: (neighs) Stupid fucking dumb animals. (laughing) What are you…what are you gonna vote on this week?

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Maddox: That's right. Vote for yourself, you fucking dumb horse. Stupid. A horse.

Dick: Why do you hate ho…is it 'cause girls like horses?

Maddox: No, man.

Dick: Are you jealous?

Maddox: This has nothing to do with girls. This has nothing to do with girls.

Dick: Oh. They do.

Maddox: It's just…they…they look stupid. They're greedy animals. They're greedy. And their hair…their mane…oh, they think they're so pretty walking around with that mane.

Dick: I don't think they think that. (laughing)

Maddox: They think that! (Dick cracks up) Ohhhh. Didn't you read that Quora article, Dick!?! They're…

Dick: Was it written by a horse?

Maddox: They express themselves…yeah!! Sounds like it. Oh, that's what it was!! (revelation) It was written by a fucking horse!

Dick: Alright. You're…you…(grins)

Maddox: Clomping about.

Dick: You're crazy.

Maddox: Horses. Horses can't even walk around on our modern pavement without horseshoes. Did you know that?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They have to have horseshoes on. Otherwise their stupid hoves get splintered. Idiots.

Dick: We got shoes.

Maddox: Dumb.

Dick: Maybe you don't. Socrates, did he have shoes?

Maddox: Socrates? Yeah. I mean, he didn't always wear 'em.

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Thanks. Thanks, horse. That was a good joke. (laughs) Anyway, Dick. Um, my problems this week were French bread, which I would gladly eat as long as it had horse meat in between.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And horses.

(Closing theme riff starts)

Dick: My problems are sharks and hiccups.

Maddox: Ahhh, great. Because you're afraid the hiccups might never end.

Dick: They might not.

(Voice mail: Male voice: "Hey, this is President William Henry Harrison and I have got to say. Maddox, you are the smartest motherfucker I know. Dick, how the fuck can you support the Washington Redskins nickname? Do you think I heedlessly slaughtered those savages at the battle of… (Dick and Maddox laugh) Tippecanoe to have them commemorated by this great nation's capital?! (Dick: "That's true". (laughs) Fuck that shit! And Maddox, I totally agree with your initiative of not wearing jackets. In fact, I'm planning to go jacketless during my inauguration because I'm a rugged son of a bitch. (Dick cracks up) (Maddox: "Cool.") Anyway, Dick, go fuck theyself.")

Dick: That's how he died.

(Sound effect: horse neighing)

Maddox: Good joke. Good!

(Voice mail: Male voice: "Hey, what's…Dick, Maddox. This is the President of Nigeria calling long distance. (Maddox laughs) This is how I talk. (Maddox: "There he is.")I heard that Maddox is taking credit for my ban on female mutilation. (Maddox: "Yeah." ) Is it true? ( Dick: "Yes.") Before today, I haven't laid eyes on this podcast, so I do not want you to say it is because of you, but I thank you for spreading the good word. Also, Dick, go fuck yourself.")

(Sound effect: "Ding!")

Maddox: That's right. The President of Nigeria called in to CONFIRM that I, yours truly, your magnanimous host, ended Female Genital Mutilation in Africa…well, Nigeria!

(Sound effect: "Ding!")

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Smart.

Dick: I got one for Sean.

(Voice mail: Male voice: "Uh, hello. This is Dr. Richard Handler from the California State Genitalia Competition Association. (Maddox laughs) I'm calling for Sean, the audio engineer? Uh, just wanted to inform him that the judging has been completed and he won several awards last week at the 2015 California State Penis Contest and Cook-Off. (Dick: "Oh!!") (Sean: "And here's the left turn!")And Mr. Sean the Audio Engineer, you can stop by our LA office anytime this week to collect the ribbons for the following awards. (Sean: "Mhmm.") (Dick laughs) Um, first prize you won, this would be several awards, the first being "Largest Peehole Circumference". Um, congratulations there. (they all laugh) Also, you took home first prize for "Best Smell". So again, congratulations. (Dick groans) We'll move on now. You also took home second prize in the "Best Tattoo" category. (Dick: "Oh!" Maddox: "Yeah. Tramp stamp.") And I must say, I really enjoyed your depiction of Urkel riding Snuffalufagus. That was very, very creative and I enjoyed that very much. (Maddox: "Tasteful." Dick: "That's a big tattoo.") Uh, you also won third prize here for "Sharpest Angle". And I've gotta tell you, that 78 degree bend you have going on there probably would have won first prize almost any other year, but… (they laugh) (Sean: "I can fuck around corners.") (Maddox and Dick laugh) unfortunately, those are the breaks. Um, oh, I'm sorry, I missed one, actually. You also won first prize for "Most Unique Taste". (Maddox giggles) (Dick: "Probably something to do with the smell.") and then finally, you win Overall Best in Show. So, congratulations. (Dick: "Oh!") (Maddox: "Heyyyy!! Best in Show.") Please stop by our office anytime to pick that up. (Sean: "Where's the applause?")

(Sound effect: clapping)

"Um, I'd also like to just address something to Dick and Maddox here, because, um, here's the thing, guys, if you want to enter the contest, you need to actually show up. Just sending me picture after picture of your erect penises isn't gonna cut it. (Dick: "Allllright, buddy.) (Maddox: "Oh, I thought that would do it.) )

Dick: Yeah. No. (grins)

Maddox: You mean… we have to…arrive? (background laughter)

Dick: Is that a horse joke?

(Sound effect: Ba-dum-ching drum and cymbal)

(Sound effect: Horse neighing)

Maddox: You liked it.

Dick: Did you mean come?

Maddox: Yeah. That's what that means.

Dick: Ohhhhhh!!!

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Awesome.

(Sound effect: Baby laugh)

Dick: (laughing) Lemme find one more here.

Maddox: Horses throwing off my game, all these fucking horse neighs.

Dick: Yeah, you really hate horses, dude. I dunno why.

Maddox: Yeah. I told you. They…they look like big cows with turkey legs and then they have a stupid fish head.

Dick: Okay. So they're just on their looks?

Maddox: Their looks. Their arrogance.

Dick: Oh, their arrogance. (grins)

Maddox: Their vanity.

Dick: That's…that's where you lose me.

Maddox: Horses are very arrogant creatures. Oh, they think they're so pretty. Oh, they…oh, fucking horse mane. Ohhhhhhh, ooooooooooh! (horse sounds)

(Voice mail: (Male voice): "Yo, Maddox, you fucking bitch. (Maddox laughs) How dare you fucking say Smash is just a casual game. (Maddox: "It is. It's the most casual." (grins)) Dude, like, you're officially confirmed for troll status now. (Maddox: "Okay." (grins)) Cause, I mean, it's obvious to anyone who is even remotely decent at Smash Brothers that it's actually…(Maddox: "Heh. It's obvious." (whiny nerd voice)a ridiculously deep and complex fighting game. But, I thought you would know about that sort of thing, but apparently…(Maddox: "Apparently I was mistaken." (whiny)) You're just a whiny little vagina. (Maddox: "Mhmm. Yeah.")There's nothing wrong with that, but you have to be really honest with yourself about what you are and, umm…(Dick laughs) You know, I hate to say it like that. Not really. I actually love to say it like that. (Maddox: "Sounds like you hate to say it like that, yeah.") Anyway. Go fuck yourself, and…(Maddox: "Yeah, sounds like you really needed saying…oh, fuck.") Yeah, keep it real. (Dick laughs) )

Maddox: Does this voice mail ever end?

Dick: I don't know. (laughs)

Maddox: Like the Smash Brothers series?! Can that series just fucking end?!? And lemme go on the record to state this, Dick.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I don't want…I don't want my words to be misconstrued. Let me be completely clear. That Smash Brothers is a garbage, casual game for garbage, casual players.

Dick: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Maddox: It is the most casual of fighting games.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Um, there's two buttons in the game. And they both do the s…well, they both do random things every time you push it.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Sometimes you jump. Sometimes you kick. Sometimes you shoot rockets. Nobody knows! Press a button in Smash Brothers. Nobody knows what it's gonna do.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's…it's like fighting roulette. (goofy voice) "oooh, 36 moves." 36 moves! They're proud of 36 moves. You know what? I will show you. I will show you the move list. I'll play Street Fighter 5 and enable the moves on screen so it shows the inputs.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: I will guarantee in three seconds, I'll put in over 36 inputs. If you guys think that that's what defines a good fighting game, I do that regularly, buddy. I did…more than 36 inputs while I saying that last sentence! On my fucking keyboard over here.

Dick: Sounds like a good night. 36 inputs? (grins) (Maddox laughs) Aaah, then I'm done. Bleeeh.

Maddox: You're done after two, buddy. (Dick scoffs) (Maddox guffaws)

Dick: Why…why would you want to know that or be happy about it?

Maddox: Well, that's what one of the comments said in our bonus episode. Buy this week's bonus…this month's bonus episode. (giggles)

Dick: Mmm.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey, MadCocks. This is Chuck from Fairfax, Virginia. I get that you're the ultimate paternalist. It comes through loud and clear in all of your writing and your podcasts. You think you know better than everyone else. I get that."

Dick: That's true, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

"And part of that stems from your utter conviction that everyone else is a moron.

Maddox: Right.

"Also acceptable. Now, what confuses me is your support for paternalistic statism. What I mean, is the government thinking that they know better than everything else. That's so confusing to me, because if you think everyone else is a dumbass, why would you trust them to enact laws that controls your life and the lives of everyone else?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I do wanna know that about you.

"Paternalism and statism should be antithetical to what you believe. And yet, time and time again, like with the smoking in the most recent episode, you support statist, paternalistic laws.")

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. So go ahead. Why is that?

Maddox: Flawed reasoning. Flawed caller. So, he assumed something about me, which is that I think everyone else is a dumbass. That's not true.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: There are varying degrees of stupidity. There are varying degrees of intelligence.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I just happen to be at the top of that list. But here's the thing.

Dick: I see.

Maddox: People…people who are dumb fall under a spectrum. It's not an absolute. I'm not an absolutist. In most…in most regards.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Right? So when it comes to…statism or paternalism, I'm not even sure what he was talking about there.

Dick: I know that you're not sure what he's talking about.

Maddox: Yeah. Well…

Dick: It's very clear.

Maddox: What's clear, Dick!?

Dick: Which part, that you're paternalistic, or that you want the government to control everyone's lives?

Maddox: Well, that I'm paternalistic.

Dick: Yeah. 'Cause you tell everybody what they're doing wrong and how they should live.

Maddox: No I don't.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I don't tell…I don't tell…look, I'll sometimes correct people. I will sometimes do that.

Dick: You see the way you're wagging your pen at us? (Maddox laughs) Like a dad? (background laughter) That's…that's where it comes from. That's why we're under the mistaken impression that you're paternalistic.

Maddox: Dick, you're mistake in that sentence…in that observation of me…

Dick: Here it comes. (laughs) I don't even think you can say this without shaking your finger at us.

Maddox: Is…is that...(laughs) I'm shaking my pen.

Dick: Try your finger. Just go all the way! (grins)

Maddox: I do my finger all the fucking time, Dick! (yells) I wag my finger…

(File cuts off)