The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 42
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Audible! Please visit http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audiobook download.
(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: HEY! What's up, buddy?? (grinning)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Sean: Hello!
Maddox: So. (sighs) Let's just, uh, get right to the voting.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Shall we, Dick?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: 'Cause this is interesting. This is the first time in the show's history since...well, this is the SECOND time in the show's history that a fan's problem came in as the biggest!
Dick: You mean a guest. A guest's problem.
Maddox: A guest!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well, she's...yeah.
Dick: Oh, she's a fan AND a guest. You're -
Maddox: (interjects) She's a fan and a guest.
Dick: Oh! (both laugh) So in your mind, the guests on our show are fans...are referred to as fans still. That's perfect! (laughs more)
Maddox: Dick, everyone's a fan of me.
Dick: You're so demented! (giggling)
Maddox: We're in a room with three people, and all three are fans of me. (smiles) (Sean laughs in the background) I counted myself there.
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Oh. (worn out from laughing)
Maddox: Yeah Dick, this is interesting! (sighs) Um...yeah! Recently Enlightened People was our guest Whitney Moore's problem, and you know what's interesting about that? And then followed by Hay Fever, and then Bathroom Attendants. All in the positive territory. Our fans thought that everything was a problem last week.
Dick: Oh!
Maddox: However, you know what's interesting, Dick, is we got alotta comments...A LOT of comments.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And a lot of people were just really shitty last episode.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: They were bitching about the live episode still, and they were bitching about THIS episode because we brought in Whitney as a spite against our listeners.
Dick: Yeah, a lot of...a lot of people did like her though.
Maddox: A lot of people did, yeah.
Dick: Like, she got...a lot of people *really* wanna bang her.
Maddox: Yeah. (amused)
Dick: And think she's great. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Great, Dick. Um, I have here -- I have a comment from Stuart Green. I just have a couple comments I wanted to read. Stuart Green says, "I like how shit particles are everywhere, who cares, but then both Whitney and Dick go 'eww' when you don't wash your hands. Also, I can't stand Whitney's, like, American teenager rising intonation on, like, every fucking sentence." 'Kay, so he's...he's -
Dick: (interjects) It is...it is annoying.
Maddox: Yeah, he snuck a... (cracks up) He snuck a little jab against Whitney in there. And then I got another comment from Jon Clancy. He says, "Loved Whitney's condescending problem about people being condescending. Please never bring her back on the show."
Dick: Well, that was my point, that it is condescending.
Maddox: What?
Dick: To talk about...to shit on people who've recently been enlightened and they're trying to relate their experience to...to others. To their friends.
Maddox: Okay, so what? If it's condescending, that doesn't necessarily invalidate her point! I...I agree, yeah. Of course it's condescending. Look, sometimes you can be a hypocrite and still make a valid point. Just because someone who's saying it is a hypocrite, it doesn't invalidate their points. That's a fallacy that I don't get called out enough on. (Dick snickers) Anyway, I do... (cracks up) I do wanna point this out, Dick. So a lot of people like Jon Clancy were saying, "Hey, uh..." You know, this is a quote; he said, "Please never bring her back on the show." (Dick laughs) And yet, you guys loved her problem and voted it number one! So Dick, I have a new segment I'd like to introduce on our show. It's called "Fan VS. Fan." (Dick laughs) [ plays segment intro]
(crackly old-fashioned parade music)
Booming Male Voice: In this corner we have angry fans, weighing in at 100 I.Q. points!
(Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: Hm!
Booming Male Voice: Average age: 12. They love to hate. And in this corner we have moderate fans, weighing in at over 100 I.Q. points. Average age: 25. They are employed and have kids. Fight!
(boxing bell rings)
[segment intro ends]
Maddox: Yeah, Dick, so uh...
Dick: That's it? (amused)
Maddox: ...I'm kinda confused. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Those are the two groups of fans?
Maddox: I'm kinda...yeah, we have moderates and we have the haters.
Dick: And they're 25 and they have kids?
Maddox: 25 and they have kids. (cracking up)
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: That's about it, yeah.
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: I'm profiling our fan base here.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: But I don't get it, man. There was so much hate and so much anger, and yet I *think* that validates my point that the people who are haters are a very vocal minority. Because CLEARLY most of the fans are moderate and reasonable, and they voted up her problem!
Dick: Here, I got a...I got a voicemail about that. You wanna hear it? [plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Dick, hey Maddox. Uh, so I was just calling in to suggest a potential biggest problem for next week's show...
Maddox: Okay.
Voicemail: ...and that problem is "virginity."
Dick: Mm!
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: Good problem.
Maddox: (chuckles) I almost brought that in.
Voicemail: The reason I suggest that problem is because I just finished watching your guys' live show, and I went to the comments expecting to find other people who loved it like I did...
Dick: That's nice.
Voicemail: ...and I found nothing but virginity running rampant. (everyone laughs) As everyone with a fucking Hentai avatar (Dick and Maddox laugh) was losing their SHIT that your guest decided to cry foul at this PRECIOUS fucking nerd culture. Those people calling her a "feminazi cunt" (Dick laughs uncomfortably) were really upset that she would suggest that they might have a problem with women. So...you guys are great, she was great, show's great...fuck it, even Sean's great. (everyone laughs) The fan base of this podcast may be the worst...may be, in fact, the biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: No, get outta here!! The fans are great.
Maddox: No. Yeah, he's...
Voicemail: So I upvote "virginity" for next week's show.
Dick: Fans are great.
Maddox: I almost...seriously, I -
Voicemail: Thank you.
[message ends]
Maddox: - I started writing the copy for that Fan VS. Fan segment and I had a little diss in there against the virgins, 'cause it does sound like a lot of, like, frustrated virgins...
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: ...who are complaining. Um, but you know, the problem with that guy's voicemail AND the people -- and you and Whitney actually made this point last time, is that...you were saying that people who were hating on Whitney and her problem necessarily proved her point.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: But that doesn't...that's not...that *doesn't* prove her point. No, not necessarily. Because just because...you can't...no ideology and no argument is beyond reproach, right?
Dick: Well...uh, yeah.
Maddox: You get into a dangerous territory where if you even question somebody, that makes you a hater. If you question feminist ideology or something a feminist says, it doesn't automatically make you a misogynist. (laughs)
Dick: Of course not.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Dick: Yeah! What?? No! No. What?
Maddox: I...I don't know!!
Dick: Are you tellin' ME? Who are you tellin'?
Maddox: YOU!
Dick: Who is the target of this?
Maddox: You -
Dick: (interjects) Is this just, like, standing on a soap box in the middle of "No, I'm just saying 'Hey...hey everybody, check me out. I know this.'"
Maddox: Didn't you say somethin' to that effect, Dick, last episode?
Dick: What, that they proved her point?
Maddox: That it proves her point? Yeah. And same with that caller.
Dick: Yeah, I think it...I think it did!
Maddox: I don't think so.
Dick: Because they had a...they've had a bigger problem with their precious culture being attacked than, um...than ethnic cleansing being treated like a joke.
Maddox: You know, I think this entire thing could've been easily avoided if the wording and phrasing of it was more careful, because it sounded like a generalization more towards the entire group rather than the minority.
Dick: That's life! Everyone gets generalized. That's too bad! Too fuckin' bad. Look, you got...you got things that are unique about what you and your people are doing over there? You're gonna get called out for that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: You CONSTANTLY say that athletes are -- no, sports fans are stupid. That can't possibly be true!!
Maddox: No, I...nonono. I don't think that the fans are necessarily stupid, I just think they have, uh, bad taste. Um... (both crack up)
Dick: Okay. Are we -- I don't even wanna talk about it anymore. It's...we covered it last time.
Maddox: Yeah, we covered it. We're done.
Dick: And you...you said we had to say.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Uh, somebody sent me an email regarding the votes from last week, that even though I didn't win...
Maddox: Nobody wins.
Dick: Well, first of all, that was the end of my dynasty. (Maddox laughs) That was 6 wins in a row that I had.
Maddox: (exasperated) Dick, they're not wins. We are conducting an important scientific experiment on this show; we're trying to find the biggest problem in the universe. I think the listeners who are more moderate, they know what the mission is and they're voting based on what they think is the biggest problem, not the gimmick that's...that's played every week.
Dick: Okay, well even though I didn't win, you still...lost.
Maddox: I... [Dick plays his "Maddox Lost" song]
(drums and electric guitar)
Maddox: Ugh, DICK... (Dick laughs hysterically)
Dick (singing): Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! (Maddox sighs exasperatedly) Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! 'CAUSE HIS PROBLEMS FUCKIN' SUCK!
Maddox: This is just...this just cheating! I'm gonna cut this whole fucking part out.
Dick: Oh, good. (grinning)
Dick (singing): Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST!
Maddox: Fuckin' episode's BULLSHIT.
Dick (singing): Maddox LOST! Maddox LOST! Diiiiiii-
Dick: [cuts off song] Mm! I'm gonna stop it there.
Maddox: GOOD!
Dick: I didn't win.
Maddox: Yeah. Nobody wins! It's not a contest, Dick. (cracking up)
Dick: Oh, so the new...the new live episode's comin' out, or the new in-studio episode's comin' out.
Maddox: IS out. It's out...at the time of this recording it's out, so you should be able to see it at the...at the top of the front page, and the problems from that episode can be voted on. The live episode, Dick, this new one, uh...Episode #2, we had our guest Joe Penna on.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And this guy's known better as Mystery Guitar Man on YouTube. Lotta people don't follow YouTube as closely, so I'll give you guys some information about this guy. Right? This guy has 2.8 million subscribers on YouTube. Um, he has over 340 million views, and he's -
Dick: (interjects) How big is his cock? (Maddox laughs) Isn't that what this is? What...what do you mean, he's got subscribers and...? (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah, I know. Who gives a shit, right?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: But, um, he's a good guy. I met him at the YouTube Studios in, uh, Culver City, actually where we recorded the live episode.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And he was a super nice guy, and he is a fan of the podcast and he was listening.
Dick: Oh, that's cool!
Maddox: Yeah! He legitimately loves this podcast. He's been listening for, uh, for a long time now, and was happy to do an episode! He wanted to come and do a full episode, but we...we brought him in for the live show. This is what -- for those of you who aren't familiar with his work -
Dick: (interjects) What does he do?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Like, what does he do?
Maddox: This is what he's...this is what he's known for. He makes music out of himself using little clips that he records and then composes them so that it sounds like instruments. It's almost like, um...
Dick: Like the Blue Man Group?
Maddox: Yeah, a little bit like Blue Man Group, or like turntablism. It's actually really popular on YouTube now. There's a guy who does...who sings all the vocals for video game soundtracks. He does, like, Legend of Zelda and...Castlevania and whatever, and he hums them and then he composes them so it sounds like the...the track. Here's a little sample of what he does. He did this entire soundtrack here with blowing balloons and taking little clips of his own voice and sequencing them so it sounds like music. Listen to this, this is kinda cool. [plays Mystery Guitar Man sample]
(voice and different percussive sounds layered together to create a hip-hop track)
Maddox: He's using claps, guitars, cups in his apartment, blowing balloons....his air conditioner vents, a box, opening a can... [stops sample] Anyway, it's cool stuff. That's, uh, that's what he's known for. That's what the guy does.
Dick: I didn't know that.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: It's cool! Alright.
Maddox: Yeah, kinda cool!
Dick: I got some comments from last week. Um, let's see here. Jakub Pop-...Poprawa...he emailed me this. "Your face, Dick, is somewhat small for your head and chin. Looks too bulky." (Sean and Maddox laugh) So, I...I gotta work on that.
Maddox: Work on making your...work on your proportions, Dick.
Dick: Work on the size of my face. And then, um, the fake Asterios texted me. You know he left us a message?
Maddox: Oh, yeah. (amused)
Dick: He goes -- I said "Hey great, keep sending in the fake Asterios bits," 'cause I love them. Uh, I love them because...I never thought anyone could hate Asterios. Like, he's the NICEST guy ever...
Maddox: He's great!
Dick: ...and everything he says or writes is funny. So when people hate on him after being on this show, it's like, "Oh! Anybody could be hated. Even somebody as nice and funny as Asterios can be reviled enough by someone so that they CALL IN and rip on him ACCURATELY!" Like, that was a...that was a great burn! That was a great zing!! (Maddox laughs) Like, he does talk like that.
Maddox: Well, says you! It's a parody of his voice, that doesn't necessarily make it TRUE.
Dick: It was funny!
Maddox: It is funny.
Dick: If it's funny that means it's a little bit true! (both laugh)
Maddox: Oh, man.
Dick: So he writes back, he...like, uh, "Love you Dick. More Titanic, less Asterios, please." (cracking up)
Maddox: Wow. (Dick laughs) That guy's a fucking hater!
Dick: He is a hater!! (giggling)
Maddox: Asterios got, uh, a little bit shit on! Which is great. We all, uh, we all get our turn. Right?
Dick: Speaking of shitting on, Haik Diloyan says, "Maddox if sapiosexuals aren't real then how the fuck do you explain YOU hooking up with women?"
Maddox: I hook up with women because I'm fucking awesome! What do you mean? (Dick laughs) What is he...what's the argument here? That he's saying all the women who are attracted to me must be sapiosexuals?
Dick: Are only attracted to your intelligence. (grinning)
Maddox: Ohh, that motherfucker! (yelling)
Dick: 'Cause he's implying that there's nothing else they could possibly be attracted to.
Maddox: There's nothing else? Well, first of all -
Dick: (interjects) It would only be your mind.
Maddox: First of all dickhead, that's enough! Alright? That's all I need if...if that was IT. But you get the whole fuckin' package with me. (Dick laughs) You get...
Dick: Well... (skeptical)
Maddox: ...you get the uh, the experience, the date experience of dating Maddox -
Dick: (interjects) What's the date experience?
Maddox: Oh, it's fuckin' wonderful! I drive...first of all, I drive like a samurai through traffic.
Dick: That's not something that women are interested in. (chuckling)
Maddox: All my dates are impressed. They say, "Oh my god, you almost hit that ca-...that's amazing that you didn't hit that car!" (Dick laughs)
Dick: What was the first version of that, that you almost said?
Maddox: No, I...don't worry about that.
Dick: Okay. (laughs with Sean)
Maddox: I'll be...that'll be edited out. (Sean still laughing) Uh...yeah, this is, um -
Dick: (interjects) It was, "Oh my god, you almost hit that car!"
Maddox: No, no, no. I don't remember sayin' that. Um, the...you get the entire Maddox experience when you date me. Like, it's not just the sapiosexual thing. Look, there's no such thing as a sapiosexual. It's a stupid term that people who want to show off about how smart they are use to SOUND smart. Right?
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: (stammers) Are you not...? Whose side are you on here, Dick?
Dick: They're...they're attracted to intelligence! That's it! That's all the guy's saying.
Maddox: You CAN'T be attracted to intelligence, it's impossible! You can't!! You can be attracted to intelligent PEOPLE, but you can't be attracted -
Dick: (interjects) Well, no shit. That's what they're saying. (annoyed)
Maddox: (yells) I'm not bein' pedantic! That's not what they're sayin'!! They're sayin, "Oh, I wanna have sex with books!" FUCK you. (Dick laughs)
Dick: They're not saying "I wanna have sex with books!"
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: On Tinder!
Maddox: That's what...THAT'S what...that's the subtext! They wanna put...books in their vaginas.
Dick: No, they're...they're saying "I wanna have sex with a guy who READS."
Maddox: Why?! What difference does it fucking make, ya moron?? (still yelling) If you wanna have sex with somebody, you should be physically attracted to them. Yeah, there should be some mental component, of course! I'm not saying fuckin' date them and have kids with this person, but you're tellin' me that if someone's really hot... (stammers) "Oh, I can't get off because I don't know what they READ"?! Fuck off! You're attracted...basic physiology doesn't change from human to human! It's not like you can turn it off and not be attracted to someone who's PHYSICALLY attractive. You are biologically wired to be attracted to people. Otherwise society would fall apart and people would stop reproducing! We'd DIE.
Dick: As a guy, yeah! But this guy's saying WOMEN.
Maddox: Look -
Dick: (interjects) This guy's saying women are attracted to YOU for your mind, which you're displaying here.
Maddox: I drew a picture of my balls on my website a long time ago. I think that alone is probably responsible for 80 percent of the times I've gotten laid in my life.
Dick: Could be. Um, I got a lot of response about your...RIDICULOUS claims that honey is a cure for hay fever last week.
Maddox: Mmm! (angrily)
Dick: You and Whitney.
Maddox: Okay!
Dick: Who are so...now I don't wanna rub this in and, like, just be an asshole.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But you...you have to know, eating HONEY like Winnie the Pooh does not cure seasonal allergies. (Maddox chuckles) Right?
Maddox: This is not something that happens over the course of a month or two. This is something that may occur over the course of a lifetime. You have to increase your exposure to this pollen so that you build a tolerance to it.
Dick: You sound like a fuckin' homeopath. That's EXACTLY what they say!!
Maddox: It's just like hot sauce! How do you think I'm able to eat so much hot sauce?
Dick: That has nothing to do with pollen!
Maddox: You grow a tolerance to it. Same thing with caffeine!
Dick: So how about breaking your fuckin' arm?? (yelling) Should you have your arms broken all the time so by the time you're 30 you're invincible? You gonna walk around like the Man of Steel, punching through brick walls?
Maddox: No, that's an extreme! However, there is an example similar to that, Dick. People who practice martial arts, when they punch hard surfaces, what it does is it mashes down their bones and creates it DENSER. So over time they get denser bones! Yes, you can build a tolerance to punching things, and you become stronger that way.
Dick: Alright, well, Samuel Williams says, "Hey Maddox, here's a couple studies..." He sent me a bunch. I'll send 'em to you so you can refute them one by one. Uh, "...here's a couple studies about eating local honey that call you a stupid naturalistic dipshit hippy." (Maddox and Sean laugh) "Put your Toms on and go back to Whole Foods you tool."
Maddox: Dick, look. I'm not discounting the possibility that this is hippie mumbo-jumbo. However, the studies are inconclusive. They probably need to do more testing.
Dick: So how much honey should I be eating?
Maddox: I don't know, Dick. This is from the BBC News. It says, "Peanut allergy 'cut by early exposure.'" So it's the same exact principle, that they're just exposing people who have allergies to things to things that they are allergic to, and over time your body builds a resistance to it. [ http://www.bbc.com/news/health-31550816]
Dick: Okay! (skeptical)
Maddox: Look, I don't know, man! Fuckin' crybabies. It may be a solution, maybe not, fuck off. I don't care. (Dick laughs) You guys are fuckin' sniveling pussies. I don't have fuckin' allergies 'cause I'm awesome and I eat honey all the time.
Dick: That's the closest thing I'm gonna get to an 'I was wrong,' isn't it?
Maddox: I'm not saying for sure that this is a solution.
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: However, it may be.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Yeah. Let's get to the problems.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: You know what the biggest problem is?
Dick: What?
Maddox: Fit shaming.
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: Yeah! You've heard of, uh, fat shaming, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Those are...that's where people make you feel bad about being fat.
Dick: Fat jokes...
Maddox: Fat jokes.
Dick: ...tuba sounds, funny tuba noises... (Maddox and Sean laugh) ...big fat people on TV, always bein' dumb.
Maddox: (negative 'sproing' sound effect) (laughs)
Dick: That kinda thing? (smiles)
Maddox: That kinda thing.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: When you see a fat person comin'... (negative 'sproing' sound effect) Awww.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Wrahhh. (sliding pitch down) Um...yeah, that's fat shaming. So you remember a long time ago I brought in Shame Shaming as a problem?
Dick: Mhm, yeah.
Maddox: This may sound like a contradiction because I think that shame is a very powerful tool...
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: ...that can be used for good. But FIT shaming is a thing that's happening now. Now there's a backlash to fat shaming so that fat people are coming around and saying "No, you know what? It's bad to be fit, and you should be...healthy at any size and you should love your body at any size." Look guys, if you love your body, GREAT. You should be confident. You should like who you are. However, don't fucking shove this horseshit down my throat, telling me that being fat is healthy and you can do everything just like a normal person. You fucking CAN'T. There are things you just can't do as a fat person, like... (stammers) Here are the life experiences you limit by being obese: hiking to the top of a volcano. I never fuckin' see fat people doin' that!
Dick: No, I don't either. (amused)
Maddox: (raises voice) You ever see stock photos of fat people hiking volcanoes? No, because they don't do it in real life either! It's not representative!
Dick: Oh, that's true.
Maddox: Saving money on gas! You can't do that as a fat person. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: How much money do you save on gas? (chuckling)
Maddox: Well, if you're overweight by 100 pounds, you're carrying around an extra passenger now, aren't you?
Dick: I guess that's true!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Every time, everywhere you go! Can you fucking imagine carrying a 100-pound person piggyback riding your back when you're walkin' up stairs??
Dick: No, you know what? I had this...I had this discussion with, um, a fat friend of mine, because he never works out. And I was like, "Yeah, I wouldn't wanna fight you." And he's like, "Yeah, but you work out all the time!"
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: "Why wouldn't you wanna fight me?" I'm like, "Dude, I work out, like, an hour...um, an hour a day 4 days a week. YOU work out all day every day! You're carrying around 150 pounds more than me!"
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: "Are you kidding me?! You're, you're...gigantic!"
Maddox: Yeah, people...people underestimate how powerful, how strong fat people are. (cracking up)
Dick: Yeah!!
Maddox: They have to build that muscle. I mean, it's...all that muscle is there. It's buried underneath FAT, but that muscle is there. I wouldn't wanna get in a fight with a fat person. No matter how fit they are, I wouldn't want to. Um, because...I myself, when I was overweight, I lost about 72 pounds and when I lost that weight, I had these giant, bulking calves because I had to... (Dick laughs) ...carry my fat ass around all the time!
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: My calves are insane! I can bike for miles and miles. It's insane! Um...but you can't...you can't experience that. You can't *utilize* it if you're carrying around all that extra weight, 'cause you're wasting your muscles just carrying around FAT all the time. Here's another thing you can't do: buy clothes that fit. Right? I never see...like, every now and then a fat person might come along wearing a shirt that looks okay. And they're usually bought from http://maddox-store.spreadshirt.com. (Dick smirks) But you generally can't buy clothes that fit, right?
Dick: Right.
Maddox: There's way more clothing options available for fit people. (inhales thoughtfully) Traveling at amusement park rides!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Look man, if you're a little bit overweight, fine. But if you're A LOT overweight, you're not gonna fit in that fucking seat. And also, you're not gonna have a fun time! You're gonna be worried about havin' a heart attack. Skydiving! You can't fuckin' skydive if you're fat, sorry! You just can't!!
Dick: You know what else you can't do? (grinning)
Maddox: What?
Dick: You can't have helicopter lessons.
Maddox: Oh, is that true?
Dick: No, the same...that same guy I was just tellin' you about?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um, his...I think his fiancée bought him helicopter lessons for Christmas? So they had in gigantic bold letters on the thing, like, "You can't be over 275," or something like that.
Maddox: Huh!
Dick: On the helicopter. Like, "Show up, wear closed-toe shoes and don't be fatter than 275."
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: So he shows up and the guy...he's like, "Hey, uh, I'm over 275. What's the...is that gonna be okay?" And he said the helicopter pilot kinda looked at him and he's like, "How much over?" And he's like, "Oh, about like, you know, 20-30 pounds," and he goes, "Mmm...okay, well, it better...it better only be 30." So there... (cracks up) There was, like...they were willing to risk it, to cram this guy into a little helicopter to take him up in the air. But it was an issue!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: It was a safety precaution.
Maddox: It's an issue! It's always gonna be an issue. Um...can't go canoeing. (Sean laughs in the background) You ever see a fat person's canoe?
Dick: No.
Maddox: No! They don't exist. 'Cause they make canoes for people, normal people. And no, you're not normal if you're...if you're morbidly obese. You can't go skydiving, you can't go parasailing! Parasailing is an issue. When I went skydiving a while back, they asked me how much I weighed and they said, "You need to be really honest with us. We have a scale. We'll test you if you...if we feel like you're going over." (Dick laughs) "Er, if you're going under."
Dick: (laughing) Why don't they just measure you, then??
Maddox: 'Cause most...they expect...like, generally -
Dick: (interjects) They gotta put you through the honesty test first?
Maddox: 'Cause generally, obese people don't go skydiving.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So they never have to really test. They know if you're goin' skydiving, you're not a fatass. A big fat fatty. However, I was about...they have a fine that you have to pay beyond...beyond...I think, like, every 10 pounds above the maximum weight, you have to pay like 20 dollars because they have to put extra harnesses and, uh, equipment on you.
Dick: Huh.
Maddox: Yeah! It increases your...their risk and liability, so you have to buy, like, insurance and all this other shit. It's insane! Um, well, it's not insane; it makes sense. Right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Can't be a race car driver as a fat person. Can you imagine if you were in NASCAR or drivin' a Formula One car, and you came in just...JUST behind the first-place person, and you thought, "Man! Is there anything you can do?" Because they optimize those cars! They make those cars as efficient as possible, down to...down to the pound, right?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Down to -- yeah! They put carbon fiber pieces in there, they put aluminum, they put, uh, titanium; they put really lightweight, strong materials to maximize tensile strength and minimize weight! And -
Dick: (interjects) Well, there's actually a minimum weight. For NASCAR. Did you know that?
Maddox: Oh, is there now?
Dick: Yeah...no, I... (stammers) I don't know about "now," that...I think that's the way it's always been. Like, you...you have to maintain your car's weight up to a certain...otherwise you're just driving around on a rocket with wheels.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But it's like, it's classified as a NASCAR above...Sean, weren't you tellin' me this? That there's some...'cause there are definitely fat NASCAR drivers. Fatter than others. Like during the whole Danica Patrick thing, when -
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, Tony Stewart is a lot fatter than Danica Patrick, for sure.
Dick: Yeah!! When everyone was complaining that she had an advantage because they don't weigh the driver inside the car as part of the weight. They only weigh the car itself, and then she jumps in and she's not adding nearly as much weight as everybody else. And were you telling me about that some guy used to have, like, a lead...cowboy hat? (Sean laughs) That he would throw in the back of the car to throw off the weight?
Sean: That DEFINITELY was not me.
Dick: Maybe I made that up.
Sean: Could be!
Dick: Yeah. That'd be a good trick, though.
Maddox: Can't be on top during sex. (Sean laughs in the background) If you're morbidly obese. That's a fuckin' problem, man!
Dick: Did you have that problem when you were overweight?
Maddox: Uh...no. I didn't have that problem.
Dick: Were you having sex?
Maddox: No. (both laugh) So there you go! I guess you, uh, that's not a problem for, uh, big fat...yeah.
Sean: No, you could crush your hand.
Maddox: What do you mean...? (Dick bursts out laughing) Fuck you, Sean! Don't fat shame me, Sean! (laughs)
Dick: Fat shaming after the fact!!
Maddox: That's pretty funny. Um, you can't be a mountain biker...you can't be a professional mountain biker. Again, a bicycle is definitely one of those things. Look, um, the fat NASCAR driver? Sure, he might...he may be overweight. He might be fat, but we're talkin', like, obese. You're not...he's not 300 pounds.
Dick: Morbidly obese.
Maddox: Right!
Dick: You're talkin' 50 pounds overweight.
Maddox: Is that morbid?
Dick: I think so.
Maddox: Okay!
Dick: I think it goes 30 is obese and 50 is morbidly obese, but I don't know.
Maddox: Well, sure! Yeah, you're not seeing, like, huge guys in those NASCAR cars, 'cause you have to have a little bit of clearance between you and the steering wheel!
Dick: That would be funny, though.
Maddox: It would be hilarious, yeah. Can't go bungee jumping...man, there's A LOT you can't do.
Dick: Man, you are like an extreme athlete. (Maddox chuckles) Like, your lifestyle...all of these examples are bungee jumping, parasailing, parachuting... (cracking up)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...race car driving, mountain...hiking volcanoes?
Maddox: These are all things I do, man! (Dick laughs)
Dick: Are they really?! (giggling)
Maddox: This is literally one trip to Hawaii. On one trip to Hawaii I went...I went, uh, parasailing, ziplining -- you can't go ziplining! I went skydiving, parasailing -
Dick: (interjects) Which is the most boring activity on EARTH.
Maddox: It is fucking not! You are basing that on a South Park episode.
Dick: No, I've...I've had to go ziplining with my family many times, and it is...it is torturous waiting for your turn to zipline.
Maddox: Go in a smaller group!! I went in a group of like 9 people. We were done with each event in under 5 minutes, and we ziplined over waterfalls and it was fucking cool as shit! It was amazing!
Dick: I don't...I don't see why it's that cool. There's NO sense of danger -
Maddox: (interjects) Have you ever gone ziplining over a waterfall?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: What's the longest zipline you've ever done?
Dick: Um, the second-longest zipline in Costa Rica.
Maddox: Ohoho, whoooa! (mocking)
Dick: I...I don't know.
Maddox: Anyway, Dick. Can't go inside a shark cage as a fat per-...look, I've talked about all the things -
Dick: (interjects) More extreme...shit! (cracks up)
Maddox: I did that! I did that in Hawaii. I've talked about all the things...and I flipped off a shark. Anyway, um, those are all the things you can't do as a morbidly obese person. Right?
Dick: Right. (amused)
Maddox: But as a backlash, they're saying those are...you know, it's not a problem. Now they're fit shaming! There's this mom...Maria Kang, this mom, posted this picture a while ago on Facebook. And she posted a picture of herself, she looks hot as shit.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: She's in her workout clothes, she has 3 kids: a 2-year-old, an 8-month-old, and a 3-year-old. Right?
Dick: Oh, I remember that picture.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: She posted a picture of herself lookin' fit as fuck, and then she says, "What's your excuse?" (Dick laughs) Yeah! (Dick laughs more) Yeah!! "What's your excuse?" So she posted this to kind of, um, tell people like, "Hey, don't gimme your excuses. I don't wanna hear it, because you can overcome it if you want." It's a...it's a very positive message, don't you think?
Dick: I guess. (chuckling) Looks like showin' off to me.
Maddox: Oh, is that... (cracks up) Is that what it is?
Dick: "Look at me! Check me out, I got all these kids and I'm fit!"
Maddox: Dick, are you one of these...one of these people who become a parent and you say, "Oh, you shouldn't..."
Dick: Well, she's...
Maddox: "You shouldn't..." Hold on, lemme finish this.
Dick: Okay, go ahead.
Maddox: "You shouldn't criticize your children's artwork because they might be discouraged"?
Dick: What the fuck does that have to do with...posting a picture of yourself looking hot on Facebook and bragging about it?
Maddox: (raises voice) Because greatness can inspire people to become great!
Dick: I guess.
Maddox: What do you mean, you guess?!
Dick: Well, so she's...
Maddox: Are you lookin' for a...are you just...?
Dick: ...fit, man! Like, what's the...she's probably got all day to work out. "What's your excuse?" Probably...I don't know, a job?
Maddox: Oh, really? A job? (sarcastic)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: 'Cause she works 8 hours a day, Dick! NOW what's your excuse?
Dick: So she says. I mean, I've known girls who've worked...40 hours a day.
Maddox: Dick, she's not -
Dick: (interjects) I don't know that that's true.
Maddox: No, that... (laughs) You can't... (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: I gotta take their word for it.
Maddox: Dick, "What's your excuse?" is a rhetorical question. She's not actually looking for excuses from you.
Dick: Yeah... (skeptical)
Maddox: She works full-time, she has 3 kids; she's still fit as fuck! What's your excuse?
Dick: I don't know, what's YOUR excuse? I'm fitter than you!
Maddox: Eh, I dunno about that, buddy.
Dick: You wanna fight? Right now? (smiles)
Maddox: You have no stamina!! That's absolutely fuckin' not true. You have no stamina! You have...I think you probably have more muscle mass than me.
Dick: "Probably"?!
Maddox: Probably.
Dick: Who needs stamina?? (Maddox laughs) I got a car!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, uh, One-Pump Chump over here.
Dick: So what was the backlash with this lady who's egging on fatsos and asking for it?
Maddox: Her -
Dick: (interjects) Was she surprised that a bunch of people shit on this photo that says "What's your excuse? I'm hot AND I have a family?"
Maddox: Her Facebook account got suspended. (Dick laughs hysterically) Yeah! For "hate speech"!
Dick: Wait, HERS?!
Maddox: Hers!
Dick: Not the...you're sure it's not the backlash, and...like, the fallout of that? It was because of *that* post?
Maddox: Because of that post. Shortly after she posted that -
Dick: No!! (astonished)
Maddox: - her Facebook account got suspended, yeah. It got reinstated eventually. Facebook said, "Oh, it was a mistake." (stupid voice) Really, it was a mistake? Because -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, wow!
Maddox: Why was it banned in the first place? Her account got suspended just because she posted this picture and a bunch of jealous fatties came down on her and flagged her thing. Look guys, you wanna live the lifestyle you want? Go for it. You wanna be fat, you wanna eat what you want? DO IT. Fine! If you see a Van Gogh painting, or uh, a great painting by a master...
Dick: Yeah?
Maddox: ...you're not gonna look at that painting and think, "Well, you know, I think that uh, there should be...there should be talent at every level, and you should like anything you paint."
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: No!! NO. You're not great. If you're not great, you don't get accolades. You don't get kudos. You can't congratulations. People don't look up to you if you're not great. She's great; she did something!
Dick: I guess! (skeptical)
Maddox: (yells) What?! Why are you such a -
Dick: (interjects) I can...I can see that that *might* inspire people. Like, that she's posting a picture of herself looking hot, and it says "What's your excuse?" But I'm not gonna pretend that I'm stupid and sit here and say like, "Oh yeah...oh, yeah! That's great! Good job. You really nailed it. If you wanna inspire people, ya did it." 'Cause people are gonna hate that!!
Maddox: Dick, what's your argument? What are you makin'...what's your argument here?
Dick: Well, I'm on your side with this fit shaming thing, because every time I see a hot girl post a picture, like a skinny hot girl?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And some asshole...inevitably, some shithead will come into that thread and say, "Eat a sandwich."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like it's...like that's a funny joke.
Maddox: It's fit shaming.
Dick: And it's awful!
Maddox: It's awful.
Dick: And I hate it.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: But that's, like, someone minding their own business and not trying to rub it in everyone's face.
Maddox: You know...you know, Dick, this whole thing comes from, uh...a lot of times women who look at magazine covers and they say, "Well, it's unrealistic standards of beauty." (stupid voice)
Dick: It's not!
Maddox: No it's not, idiot. You want a realistic standard of beauty, we have them all the fucking time! Every time you step out into a grocery store you see a bunch of fucking tombstones walking around, slumped over their shopping carts, draggin' their ugly kids around. (Dick laughs) Everyone looks fat and ugly! (yells) Don't fucking shame these people who have worked hard and have earned a job being models on magazines! That's their fucking job! That's the fantasy! When you go down the magazine aisle for Men's Interests, you look at sports cars and guns, and they're always exotic sports cars and always exotic guns!!
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: They're shit that we can't attain, and that's why we buy the magazine, 'cause we wanna look at pictures of this thing that we can't fucking attain!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: We don't need realistic pictures of cars! We see Ford Focuses fucking everywhere, they're never on car magazines! No one gives a shit, you fucking morons! Leave these people alone!! Let them be fit. (clapping sound effect)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: JESUS.
Dick: Yes, I totally agree with you! I totally agree with you.
Maddox: Yeah! I'm so tired of these people bitching about realistic body standards. THIS is a realistic body standard if you want it to be. And if you don't, go on eating your Cheetos! Turn the page, click something else! You don't have to fit shame people who are fit and working hard to improve their lives because they wanna go bungee jumping and...and go inside a shark cage.
Dick: Well...yeah, that part's a little bit weird. (Maddox laughs) But...I didn't know you were, like, the Dan Cortese of Internet writers. You're doin' all this exotic stuff.
Maddox: Is that...? I don't the Dan Cortese reference.
Dick: Dan Cortese, like that '90s guy who's always climbing...mountain climbing and climbing rocks and shit? Oh, anyway!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um...the thing that bothers me most about it is that people are fixated on this "standard of beauty." Like, the word "beauty."
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That everyone can be beautiful, and it doesn't...these people are obviously beautiful.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Everyone could agree...you could...you could vote anonymously. "Look at that girl." Yeah! Beautiful. Everybody. But then when you apply that standard to everyone else, there's this...there's this unspoken, uh, implication that you're a better person if you're beautiful. Or else why else would everyone need to be called "beautiful"? Right?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Say like, um..."Curves are beautiful," like "natural beauty," all this stuff. Like, it's not...you're not!! You're just not beautiful. Why do you want it so fuckin' bad? I'm...I'M not!! I got too small of a face! (Maddox laughs) I don't feel BAD about that, you know? Like, "Oh..." I got a hundred emails: "Dick, you're too ugly to live." (Maddox laughs more) Like, I don't really care! That's not...it's not something that I VALUE as a person.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Do you know what I mean?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I WANT it! I wanna see it!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But not having it is not the end of the world.
Maddox: Yeah, I've been working -
Dick: (interjects) It's...it's more psychotic!! (yelling) To tell...it's MORE psychotic to tell little girls that they're beautiful as they are because it re-instills this idea that beauty somehow makes them a better person!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: THAT'S the problem I have with it.
Maddox: I agree. I agree with that. I've been workin' on this, uh, this theory for a while now too, Dick. It's along those lines, but it's about how people feel entitled to be beautiful.
Dick: Yeah!!
Maddox: And it has a lot to do with these Dove campaigns. These Dove campaigns are THE most insidious thing. They are doing more damage to more people than MOST things I can think of today.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, these fuckin' Dove campaigns, these beauty campaigns. Anyway Dick, um, yeah. She's hot, after she did the workout and everything, but if she gained like 40-50 pounds I think her face would bloat and you wouldn't be able to tell the definition underneath. A lot of people who are overweight can increase how well they appear to people...
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...just by being fit.
Dick: You know what, I had this idea. Tell me what you think about this idea.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's a service where you get a fat person who wants to lose weight, right? And you took...you take their bone structure -- whatever, you get an ARTIST to draw them as they would look if they lost like 30 pounds.
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: Do you think that would be a good motivator? I think it might be...
Maddox: It might be!
Dick: ...but I don't know!
Maddox: Well, I -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I don't underst-...I'm not in the mindset of some-...like, I've never been fat!
Maddox: No, see, I know people, Dick, who...who used to be skinny and then they gained weight, and then they would post pictures of themselves when they were skinny and they would say, "Oh, I wish I still looked like THIS." But that doesn't necessarily motivate them to lose the weight.
Dick: That's true!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Alright, well, my business failed. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Your shit business. Anyway Dick, I've gone on too long. What's, uh, what's your problem?
Dick: Wait! But before we get to my problem, I wanna remind you that today's show is brought to you by Audible! Please visit http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for your free audiobook download. Maddox, do you know about Audible?
Maddox: Yeah, go...but uh, go ahead and tell 'em anyway.
Dick: Refresh your memory. (smiles)
Maddox: Refresh my memory.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause we...you watched Titanic and your memory of that was pretty shitty. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, you know, uh, I got up to get popcorn a few times, I missed a few details in the movie. No big deal.
Dick: Yeah! (chuckling) Audible has over 150,000 titles to choose from. Every genre, Audible has it covered. Get a free audiobook download when you sign up TODAY. Um, listen whenever and wherever you want, just like the podcast you're listening to right now. I checked it out...I checked out some, uh, some new books they have on there.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause you know, last one...I brought in some pretty good ones.
Maddox: Yeah, that was pretty great.
Dick: "Milked at Her Uncle's Farm."
Maddox: Yeah, the uh, erotic lactation story was great, yeah. (grinning)
Dick: Yeah! Man, I wish somebody would cut those up and...every time I listen to 'em I get distracted. Like, I try to cut...find some funny quotes from that?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, there's a...there's a part in that erotic lactation story where...ah, I don't wanna get into it. Um, "Milked at Her Uncle's Farm," "How Smart is God?" That's a good one. Here's one...here's one that you might like: "Keep Calm - Hypnotherapy for Change." (Maddox laughs loudly)
Maddox: I will not listen to that.
Dick: Go listen to that. (grinning) Uh, "Go the Fuck to Sleep," narrated by Samuel L. Jackson!
Maddox: Yeah, that was a very -
Dick: (interjects) How 'bout that?
Maddox: That was a very popular book, man. That was a New York Times bestseller. It was a parody of a children's book. I pitched a book like that a long time ago to my publisher! They said, "No, it wouldn't sell." Anyway. (Dick laughs)
Dick: What was it called?
Maddox: Uh...I don't remember. I don't remember if I had a title, and even if I did I wouldn't say it on the air 'cause I may still write that book.
Dick: Oh, you may still do it.
Maddox: Yeah, I may still write that book.
Dick: Okay. Yeah, children's books are weird, though. 'Cause don't you have to be, like, an artist a little bit?
Maddox: No, you don't HAVE to be an artist. You can...you can team up with an artist.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: Just like they did...like, Samuel L. Jackson didn't write that book, but they thought it was really funny if they would...if he would read it.
Dick: Well, he's just reading it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: For the...for Audible.
Maddox: That's a -- yeah, and that is a...that is a pretty funny book. It's a book that a lot of parents get and they kinda snicker and sneer, and they read it and they...they read it to their babies and they realize their babies don't understand, so it's kinda funny.
Dick: Ah, that's true.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Customers download their choices; you can have access on your PC, you can burn 'em onto CDs, you can upload 'em to your iPod. There you go!
Maddox: Yeah, that is, uh, that is a good book. That's some good stuff on Audible. That's probably a short book, right? A short read?
Dick: "Go the Fuck to Sleep"?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I would think so.
Maddox: Yeah. It'd be really relaxing hearing Samuel L. Jackson say that to me as a child, I think.
Dick: Yeah! Maybe.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I don't know.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Check it out. What's, uh, what's the URL?
Dick: Um, http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest.
Maddox: http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest . And guys, it really, really helps support the show, and uh, buying the bonus episodes and all that stuff. So yeah, if you, um...you check that out, you'll be doin' us a...a solid.
Dick: My problem is...superbugs! Superbugs are...um, when a microbe and its progeny acquires a genetic mutation that makes them immune to antibodies, Maddox.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: They're superbugs! They're super-illnesses. Super-bacteria that don't respond to antibodies.
Maddox: Yeah? Where, uh, why...where do these come from? Why is this a problem?
Dick: Well, I'll tell you why it's a problem. There's a lot of reasons. They can come up naturally.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But most of the time, they come up because people are not taking their antibodies all the way through, OR they're taking antibodies when they don't need to be. So you take...you go to the doctor, 'cause you're...you got a sniffle. Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And he goes, "Whatever, here. Take some antibiotics." So the person goes home, starts crammin' antibodies into themselves. Right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But they don't have any kind of bacterial infection.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So all the good bacteria in them gets killed, and all the bad ones -- like the weird mutants, the strong ones -- start evolving this immunity to the antibodies.
Maddox: Huh.
Dick: The mutations. 'Cause you know, bacteria divide quickly and they...they, like, rapidly evolve.
Maddox: Yeah, they mutate. Right.
Dick: Yeah, they mutate. So, they evolve these...they develop these resistances to the antibodies, then they shoot out of your fluids and get on other people and infect THEM. That person goes to the doctor, they're ACTUALLY sick, they get an antibody; doesn't work!
Maddox: And they have no...they have solution?
Dick: We're running out of solutions! We are...this is...nonono, let me pitch this to you in a way that I know you'll under-...that you'll gravitate to. Okay?
Maddox: Yeah yeah yeah, yeah.
Dick: This is an animal in the animal kingdom that we CANNOT kill! (slowly for emphasis)
Maddox: Oh, that's fuckin' cool.
Dick: Ye-... (Maddox laughs) Yeah! This is an animal on the tree of life that human beings once had the power to kill, but NOW, they are outsmarting us! And they...they're killing *us* at an ALARMINGLY increased rate.
Maddox: Yeah, I've uh, I've actually been following this for a long time now. I remember the first time I had a conversation with someone about this. One of the first times was in New York, and I took a little bottle of hand sanitizer out of my pocket and I put it on my hands, and the lady said...this girl says, "You know that doesn't do anything and it's increasing the, uh, the prevalence of superbugs?" And I said, "Okay, well, it's doing SOMETHING, because otherwise it wouldn't increase the prevalence of superbugs now, would it?"
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling)
Maddox: "It's killing 99 percent of the bacteria now, isn't it?" She's like, "Yeah, but it's gonna...it's gonna increase...you know, you should just use soap and water and blah blah blah." I'm like, "Hey IDIOT, we're walking in a SUBWAY car."
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "Like, what are you...where am I gonna get soap and water? I just touched a disgusting pole; everyone on this train is sniffling and sneezing." Yeah okay, maybe! Maybe this is contributing to the problem, and a lot of people are trying to say we shouldn't have antibacterial soaps and antibacterial hand sanitizer, and all these things because they're not effective.
Dick: Well, I used to be like that lady that you're talkin' about, where I thought hand sanitizer was bad. I dunno if it is. Um...so I don't say that anymore.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, it's not something that I consider something I believe, you know?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But...BUT, but the over-prescription of antibodies -- of antibiotics...
Maddox: Right.
Dick: ...and people not takin' them all the way through, which is something I ALSO used to do...and still kinda do every once in a while, 'cause I forget.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Um...is definitely causing superbug mutation. How 'bout this: currently, superbugs are implicated in 700,000 deaths a year because of their resistance to drugs. By the year 2050, they'll kill an extra 10 MILLION people worldwide.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: How 'bout that?
Maddox: Well, I hate to shit on your problem, Dick, but uh, there's an article I linked to a while back...I was trying to find it, but the closest I could find is on NPR. It was an NPR article; it says "Why the 'Nightmare Superbug' Isn't As Scary As It Sounds." [ http://www.npr.org/2015/02/20/387822961/why-the-nightmare-superbug-isnt-as-scary-as-it-sounds ]
Dick: What a surprise. NPR. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah!! A NEWS outlet.
Dick: Do you listen to NPR while you're skydiving? (smiles)
Maddox: No!
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: No, 'cause it's exciting. I'm just listening to...I listen to my own podcast when I skydive. Um...this uh, this superbug isn't as scary as it was once thought because they just developed a new way of creating...uh, antibodies, I believe?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: That are...that CAN overcome these superbugs.
Dick: Oh, that's it?
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: That's it!
Dick: So, problem solved? (cracking up)
Maddox: Problem...pretty much. (laughs)
Dick: Thanks, NPR! Thanks, uh...thanks Internet Jesus, NPR! And who's the...who's the speaker of NPR that everyone blows all the time? Who's the main guy on NPR?
Maddox: I don't know, there's a bunch of 'em.
Dick: (excited) Okay, what's one of 'em, Ira Glass? Is that a guy??
Maddox: Uh...
Dick: I don't know, I don't listen to NPR!
Maddox: That's "This American Life."
Dick: Yeah! The... (cackles hysterically)
Maddox: Terry Gross?
Dick: Okay, thanks Ira Glass!! (yelling)
Maddox: I dunno, Terry Gross? There's one.
Dick: Thanks Terry Gross, for bestowing upon us this magical fix for MRSA!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You fuck!
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, well, you know, this uh, this dire prediction...uh, Malthus over here with his dire prediction by 2050 that millions -
Dick: (interjects) 2050, 10 million people?! That's more than cancer!
Maddox: I don't think it's gonna happen!
Dick: IT'S WORSE THAN CANCER!
Maddox: Yeah, that sounds very alarmist!
Dick: Listen. LISTEN.
Maddox: Yeah? (about to laugh)
Dick: Uh...2050, 10 million people? That means by 2085, it'll be 130 million people. I did that math myself. (Maddox giggles) That means by 30-...by the year 3020, that's...that's 2 billion people... (cracking up)
Maddox: Oh. (worn out from laughing)
Dick: ...that will die every year from superbugs! (Maddox laughs more) That's almost everybody! Couple years? By 3030, everyone's dead from superbugs.
Maddox: Dick, this sounds like it's a solution to hunger.
Dick: No no, but this is...look, this is actually a real problem. Um...there you go. MRSA... (cracks up) This is -
Maddox: (interjects) What is MRSA?
Dick: This is...uh, hold on. A doctor said, "This is orders of magnitude bigger than Ebola COULD be." (Maddox laughs loudly) So imagine how...how bad you can imagine Ebola *could* be? That's how bad superbugs...ARE.
Maddox: Yeah, uh... (skeptical)
Dick: You think this is alarmist?
Maddox: Superbu-...so you're saying superbugs are imaginarily bad?
Dick: No, they're as bad as you can imagine Ebola actually being.
Maddox: (laughing) I don't know, man. Uh -
Dick: (interjects) I can imagine it being pretty bad! (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah, they DID in that fucking movie. What was it, uh, Hot Zone? Hot Down? It's the Michael Crichton movie. Hot Z-...? It's like...
Dick: Jurassic Park!
Maddox: Congo! The Cong-...no, what is it?
Dick: Oh, Congo?
Maddox: Nonono.
Dick: No, that was about a talking gorilla.
Maddox: They made a movie about Ebola, and it was based on a Michael Crichton book. It was, uh...
Dick: Outbreak!
Maddox: ...Outbreak, yeah! Outbreak.
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: That was...they tried to make Ebola as bad as it possibly could be, and even in that fictional fucking movie where they're TRYING to be alarmist, they found a solution to it. You know, there is...there actually -
Dick: (interjects) You're not worried about this at all then?
Maddox: No, I'm not! (Dick laughs)
Dick: WHY??
Maddox: Because of this NPR article I read. (both laugh)
Dick: Oh, man. It's the new Bible! NPR is the new Bible. It tells everybody how to think. NPR and The Daily Show.
Maddox: Look -
Dick: (interjects) I got one...one in the right ear and one in the left ear. How should I think, guys? You tell me. (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah, dick...look. (cracks up) And I'm not...I wasn't even calling you your name, I just realized. (both laugh) NPR is just a news outlet; they cover stories from everywhere else. Yeah, it's one of the places I listen to because it's...it's as neutral as it possibly gets. (stammers) You know, sometimes they can skew left and sometimes they can skew right, but generally it's a pretty good news outlet. Anyway, they're just covering studies that come out by UCLA, USC...these are studies that come out, and they found...I believe it's a type of, uh, Petri dish that they tested it in, and they accidentally discovered this drug that kills drug-resistant bacteria. So...and they're predicting, I think by 2018 or somethin' like that, that these...these first drugs that'll start killing drug-resistant bacteria will start hitting the market.
Dick: So it's fixed?
Maddox: (suddenly yells) And by the way, dickhead!
Dick: What?
Maddox: You know why these bacteria become drug-resistant? It's because they grow a tolerance to these drugs! Ohhh! Surprise, surprise! So this whole fuckin' hay fever DOES makes sense, doesn't it, DICKHEAD?
Dick: You're like...you...you just associate outcomes with mechanisms. The mechanisms to get those outcomes. Like, that's...bacteria don't build up a tolerance themselves. They're not like a role-playing game.
Maddox: They mutate! I know, they mutate.
Dick: They mutate. It's their offspring! Their offsprings mutate.
Maddox: Yeah, so?
Dick: You can't...I can't spawn another me that's not allergic to hay fever if I bathe in honey!
Maddox: Yeah, well, nobody's saying "bathe in honey," Dick. I'm just saying, look, if you expose yourself to whatever allergens that you have, over time you will grow tolerant to it. Just like I'm tolerant to your BS! You're just bombarding me with it every day! I'm like, "Oh, that's Dick bein' Dick. Here we go."
Dick: Yeah, okay! Alright. (amused)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's my problem.
Maddox: Don't you...don't you think, Dick, don't you think that your body...the efficacy of drugs wears off the more you take them? Like that first hit of heroin is supposed to be amazing, and then after that you can never get it again because you're constantly chasing that dragon? Isn't that true? And same thing with -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, there is...there is...you build up some tolerance to DRUGS, but we're talking about...drinking honey to fight seasonal allergies. I think...I think we woulda figured that out by now. We've had honey for a long fuckin' time, and we've had seasonal allergies for a long fuckin' time. I think -
Maddox: (interjects) Dick, they haven't...they haven't done thorough-enough testing.
Dick: (hesitates) Okay.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So...so...works until proven wrong?
Maddox: No. I'm not saying it works...
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: ...and I'm not saying it doesn't. I'm saying it's *possible* that it works. And I'm not...I'm not discounting the possibility that it's all bullshit. It could be bullshit.
Dick: Okay. MRSA is, uh, methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus...whatever. I'm probably not sayin' that right.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: First detected in Britain in 1961, it's now COMMON in hospitals. MRSA was responsible for 37 percent of fatal cases of sepsis in the UK in 1999, up from 4 percent in 1991. That doesn't scare you at all?
Maddox: No.
Dick: It's grown 33 percent.
Maddox: Nope! Just like Ebola didn't scare me at all, because guess what? They're...I just read an article right before we went to record this episode...
Dick: Mhm.
Maddox: ...that said that they're...they're gonna start the first trials of this Ebola vaccine that they just came out with.
Dick: Yeah, but Ebola was a buncha hype, but this is a real thing that's actually killing people.
Maddox: Oh yeah? (sarcastic)
Dick: MRSA's actually killing people.
Maddox: Yeah, um... (skeptical)
Dick: A lot!
Maddox: (stammers) What is MRSA? Like, what is...what is it?
Dick: It's a...it's a bacteria. It's methi-...methicillin-resistant...bacteria. It's resistant...it's a superbug. It's resistant to antibodies.
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno, man. I mean, there's even studies that they've done where they...they installed copper doorknobs in hospitals.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And it's greatly diminished the amount of bacterial infections, because copper kills bacteria. It has antibacterial properties.
Dick: Eh, seems like somethin' we should be worried about to me. Seems like a big problem.
Maddox: Yeah, uh...I mean, it could POTENTIALLY be a big problem, Dick, if we don't nip it in the bud, but scientists are workin' around the clock to find solutions to the superbugs.
Dick: Thank God NPR is on top of it. (laughs)
Maddox: (annoyed) You're fuckin'...you're SO dismissive of any news source. That's just a fuckin' strawman.
Dick: No, 'cause it's all the same news source! (yelling)
Maddox: Ad hominem -- it's not all the same news source. I cite all sorts...I cite The Telegraph, I cite BBC, I cite NPR; I've even cited FOX News on this show! I cite lots of different news sources.
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: New York Times...
Dick: Alright, that's my problem.
Maddox: ...Metro.co.uk, fan favorite! (laughs) Yeah Dick, okay. Superbugs can poten-...here is the...here's the thing, Dick. You wa-
Dick: (interjects) What vi-...what WOULD you be afraid of? Biologically?
Maddox: Biologically?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I'm not afraid of much. Biologically? Um...
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Something like AIDS that had no solution to it, or so-...or no cure to it, but I'm not sure that somethin' like that could potentially even exist because we're on the verge of conquering mortality, I believe.
Dick: GOD!! You are... (Maddox laughs) Your...your faith in our ability and your faith in science's ability to fix problems is astounding to me.
Maddox: Dick -
Dick: (interjects) You have an overwhelming abundance of faith in our ability to solve problems, and I have ZERO.
Maddox: I know! I know. Dick, what is life? (Dick bursts out laughing) You...
Dick: WHAT?!?
Maddox: If you wanted to quantify life; if you wanted to describe what is...what is the difference between an animate and an inanimate object, right? We're all carbon atoms, we're a whole buncha molecules bumpin' around...there's no evidence for a SOUL, right? There's no evidence for any of this stuff. This is just theory! It's human theory that we are alive! What does it mean to be alive?? We're just matter that happens to act in a weird way when we react with energy! Energy comes into our systems, we convert it to something else and we poop it out, and we go around and we build video games and...and houses and toys and things, but what are we? What ARE we? What are we doing?? We're just matter that's trying to make more matter, and we're using other matter to do it.
Dick: Lemme ask you somethin'.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: Are you on drugs? (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: No, I've never used drugs.
Dick: (laughing) What the fuck are you TALKING about? What does this have to do with solving these horrible diseases that you have...that you're...that don't faze you at all?
Maddox: Because Dick, I'm not even sure what it even means to be alive. (Dick laughs hysterically) Like, what does it...?
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: Yeah, we're gett-...I know we're gettin' some -
Dick: (interjects) That's gettin' real weird!
Maddox: Yeah. Well, it's because of this, uh, this last episode that we did. The...the bonus episode.
Dick: (laughing) The Oc-...
Maddox: The O-...yeah.
Dick: The Oculus Rift?
Maddox: When I was talkin' about the Oculus Rift, and I thought...I kept thinking about what the experience of being alive means. Like, can it be completely simulated? I think it CAN be. And we don't know for a fact if we're ali-...we don't know anything! We don't know if we're alive, we don't know anything. Right?
Dick: Dude, you got...I've been thinking about the bonus episode all weekend. (Maddox guffaws)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You got REAL weird with that stupid Oculus Rift thing. (Maddox laughs) Like, that is...that's my favorite bonus episode so far.
Maddox: Yeah, it's uh, it's pretty great, and I know it sounds like we're shilling for it but it was...I have been thinking about it nonstop as well.
Dick: No one was thinking about it until you said that.
Maddox: Yeah. Well... (laughs loudly) Okay, well, whatever. Anyway.
Dick: Well, your reaction to the Oculus Rift is still astounding to me.
Maddox: Why? Why is that?
Dick: Because I've never seen anyone -- so, I talked to the guy's...Oculus Rift who you borrowed?
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: (excited) And he couldn't believe...he said you were acting like that right after you experienced it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And he couldn't believe it, 'cause he OWNS the thing and he's like, "It's alright."
Maddox: Yeah! Everyone's a fucking idiot except for me! That's why I keep saying I'm the smartest person I know! (Dick laughs) (yells) 'Cause nobody sees the potential here! This is new technology that is going revolutionize everything. Look, I'm not... (stammers) I'm sounding like the bonus episode.
Dick: I think we see the...I think we see the POTENTIAL, but my...the potential I see in it is limited by how much I believe people are able to execute things. You know what I'm saying? You think scientists can just... (Maddox sighs in frustration) ...solve everything, and everything works perfectly and we'll be amazing and this vision you have for the Oculus Rift will be realized very quickly! And I think it's just a stupid TOY, and that it's gonna be fucked with and tinkered with a little bit. And I might use...like, someone like me might use it, like...I dunno, an hour a week, a half-hour a week until I get bored with it.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick, that's the difference between you and visionaries. (Dick bursts out laughing) People...people who don't have the foresight to see the potential for technology. That's the problem! Look, back to your problem, right?
Dick: Yeah, superbugs.
Maddox: You're saying that superbugs are a problem.
Dick: Big problem.
Maddox: You think it's a big problem? You don't think humans can overcome superbugs? We've overcome WAY bigger problems than that, my friend. Look at our lifespan, how much it's increased in just under a century. Like a century ago, look how much our lifespans have grown!
Dick: How much has it increased?
Maddox: By 30...about 30 years!
Dick: Oh, really?
Maddox: Yeah!!
Dick: What, we were only livin' 'til 50 back in the...turn of the century?
Maddox: Turn of the century, I believe the mortality rate was, uh...yeah, around...around 50! A lot of things were ki-
Dick: (interjects) 50 years old?? Really?
Maddox: Well, lemme check here.
Dick: Don't you dare look it up, you motherfucker! (Maddox laughs) You ALWAYS...you should not be allowed to have Internet on this show!
Maddox: Why not?
Dick: (raises voice) 'Cause I wanna hear what you actually think! I don't care what GOOGLE thinks about how old we lived. Why do you think it was 50?
Maddox: (stammers) Because it was...it was lower! I don't know exactly what it is. I just sound uninformed if I don't look it up, but yeah! It's...it was a lot lower in the 1700s, in the 1600s...in just over a couple of centuries, we've gone from our mortality rate being around the age 30 -- our life expectancy, rather. We've more than doubled our life expectancy, Dick! What makes you think that it's ever going to hit an upper limit? (Dick scoffs) Again -- and then I come back to this philosophical argument, what is cognizance? What is life? Do we need our bodies??
Dick: (laughing) But why do you come back to that weird argument??
Maddox: Because I don't think that mortality is a thing we can't overcome! I think morta-...like, we can be immortal! There's no reason why we CAN'T!
Dick: Do you have a...do you have a contingency plan for your website if something were to happen to you?
Maddox: What do you mean?
Dick: "What do you mean?"?! What's gonna happen with...what's gonna happen to make sure your website stays up after you're gone??
Maddox: Oh, I imagine some wealthy benefactor will...will continue hosting it, and pay for the... (cracking up)
Dick: Yeah, but HOW? How?? They gotta have the ability to...to fund this account!
Maddox: Well, the hosting itself, uh, through all the different we-...yeah, it's like 7-...like 500-600 bucks a month, yeah.
Dick: I'm just sayin'!
Maddox: I'll make sure...I'll make sure my website runs, buddy. Don't worry about that.
Dick: Well, that's my problem. You wanna do some more voicemails?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Alright. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Whoa, Maddox. So did I just hear you correctly, and you said that...porn is honest?
Maddox: Yeah!
Voicemail: Dude, do you know how many injections into their cocks, like, every single male porn actor has, or how many...
Maddox: What?! (Dick laughs)
Dick: I don't know!
Voicemail: ...you know, plastic surgeries, or...you know, fake gallons of semen dumped over them every female porn actor has?
Maddox: No, I actually don't!
Dick: Is that true??
Maddox: Sometimes.
Voicemail: If you wanna talk about honesty...
Maddox: Yeah!
Voicemail: ...you know, when you say that porn is honest and, you know, shitty romance movies like Titanic aren't?
Maddox: Yeah.
Voicemail: And it is kind of a shitty movie. I will agree with you.
Maddox: (chuckles) Well, I wouldn't know, I haven't s-...I mean, I HAVE seen it. (cracks up) (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: But there's...there's no difference there. They're both lies! They're both lies told by commercials, and so...go fuck yourself, Maddox. Dick, you're pretty awesome. Bye.
[message ends]
Dick: Awww.
Maddox: Wooow! (sarcastic) Well, well, well.
Dick: Injections into their cock? I didn't know about that.
Maddox: Look man, just because you have augmentation doesn't mean you're dishonest. Just because you comb your hair so it doesn't look like the exact same way that you woke up, doesn't mean you're dishonest, ya moron. And by the way, it depends on the type of porn! You can watch fake porn and you can watch real porn, and the majority of porn I believe is real! The ones that I watch! I watch, uh...I watch a lot of, like, amateur stuff.
Dick: Oh, yeah, okay. Amateur stuff?
Maddox: Yeah! It's all real st-...it's just...yeah. Just couples, like, doin' their thing in the bedroom. Whatever.
Dick: Um, this dude wrote in about our...our outfits for the live show.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: He says, "Hey Dick, did you and Maddox steal your costumes from the set of this classic film I was watching the other day?"
Maddox: Oh, boy. (muttering) (Dick laughs)
Dick: So, he sends this...this picture in. [shows Maddox]
Maddox: Okay, waaaaai-...what movie is that?
Dick: Um, I want you to look at...I want you to look at this picture -- Sean, I want you to look at this picture too -- and tell me if anything jumps out at you. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: I'm lookin' at a picture of a guy putting a crown in...it looks like a hallway, and he's wearing a red... (cracks up) ...a red jacket with blue trim and some gold...
Dick: Uh-huh. (smiling)
Maddox: ...gold stuff on it.
Dick: Just like...just like our outfits on the show.
Maddox: (talking over Dick) Oh, and he's gettin' a blowjob!!
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: Is he gettin' a blowjob? (Dick laughs loudly)
Dick: Yeah!! (Maddox laughs) Yeah! Classic film. That's...and a big old "Brazzers" on the corner. "Brazzers."
Maddox: Oh, Brazzers, yeah. Brazzers is a porn site, right?
Dick: Uh, yeah, a big one.
Maddox: Great.
Dick: So, I said, uh...I said, "Hey, what's this movie? I wanna go...I wanna go look at it." Right? To see what they're doing?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Just this guy so far. So he goes, "Well, it's...it's called 'Tour of London: Part 2.' I believe it's directed by Christopher Nolan. I found the film to be pretentious and heavy-handed in its central theme, but relatively easy to masturbate to." (Maddox and Sean laugh) "It certainly deserved Best Picture more than Birdman." (smiles) And there's more!
Maddox: Great. (chuckling)
Dick: "When I first heard that Madison Ivy was playing herself in a semi-autobiographical picture detailing her time in the United Kingdom, I confess I expected this movie would be an exercise in narcissism. How wrong I was. Unlike so many of this year's Academy nominees, 'Tour of London: Part 2' treats us to much more than self-absorbed navel-gazing, taking special care to also include closeups of breasts and vaginas."
Maddox: Whoa!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I didn't, uh, I wasn't expecting that!
Dick: No. (amused) "The casting is spot-on, and although co-star Danny D's performance could be described as stiff and wooden, he..." (both laugh) "...he also performs all of his own stunts, even during some of the film's most intense action scenes." Uh, "At the story's conclusion, you will be utterly convinced by his portrayal of a hard man thrust into circumstances beyond his control." (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: (laughing) "If you hang on until the very end, you'll discover that he even has a softer side." (Sean and Maddox laugh) There you go. Which turns out to be his penis.
Maddox: Yeah, alotta people, uh, shittin' on our costumes, but uh...
Dick: But this guy had this at the ready!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, he had seen the costume before in a porno that he had a detailed opinion about. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. And a porno of a guy gettin' laid.
Dick: Wait, what? (giggling)
Maddox: Yeah, the guy wearing that jacket in the porno's gettin' laid!
Dick: Oh, I see what you're saying.
Maddox: Yeah! It's pretty fuckin' cool!
Dick: Okay. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Dick, on that live show you look like such a douchebag with long hair. (Maddox laughs)What happened to the cool buzzcut, aviators and mustache like when you were on Dr. Phil? I mean, you still look like an asshole, (Maddox laughs more) but like the asshole friend that you hang out with and you just don't know exactly why. Anyway, go fuck yourself.
[message ends]
Dick: (Maddox still laughing) Lotta...lotta commentary on how I look!
Maddox: Yeah, man! Uh...people tearin' you up!
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: Unrealistic standards of beauty!
Dick: Yeah! I...I should feel bad. I should feel worse. Um, let's see... [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, if you don't like watching fuckin' Titanic, how 'bout you quit bringing in shitty-ass fuckin' problems? (Dick laughs)
[message ends]
Maddox: You idiot. You know, man, it's not that I'm bringing in shitty problems. Yeah, some problems are going to be smaller than others, ya...ya fuck! Uh, of course Bathroom Attendants is going to be a smaller problem than, say, AIDS or Type 2 Diabetes or Militarized Police, but this is a show where we rank all the problems and we cannot say with certainty that we know the biggest problem in the universe until EVERY single problem is enumerated on that list!!
Dick: Sure! That's true.
Maddox: So sometimes I'm gonna bring in a problem that I know is gonna get lesser votes! It's gonna get less votes than, uh, than whatever's...uh, whatever else is there that week. At some point I'll probably bring in ants! Ants are a problem, but they're probably not as big of a problem as...I dunno, anything else on our list.
Dick: I don't know! It depends how you pitch it.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, maybe.
Dick: Alright, what are your problems for this week?
Maddox: My problem this week was Fit Shaming. And, uh, what was yours?
Dick: My problem was Superbugs.
Maddox: Alright, that's it for this episode, guys. (closing riff starts) Thanks for listening. Don't forget to check out Audible. Thanks for supporting the show, and our bonus episode is out. Vote on the live episode as well!
Dick: Thanks for listening.
(closing riff)
--------------------
Voicemail (male caller): Hey guys, this is Ian in Santa Clarita. I'm calling, um, to make a...to say some things in defense of sleep, 'cause you guys were both in agreement...
Maddox: Oh boy. (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: ...that, you know, sleep was the biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: No, we didn't.
Maddox: No, people who love to sleep too much.
Voicemail: Um, Maddox, you said that people don't do anything while they're sleeping...
Maddox: Yeah.
Voicemail: ...and that nobody has cool adventures while they're asleep.
Maddox: Oh, boy.
Voicemail: But I wanted say, um, there's...you probably heard of it, but for those who don't, there's something called lucid dreaming.
Maddox: Oh, I hate lucid dreaming!!
Dick: Really?
Maddox: Yeah.
Voicemail: It's this really neat thing where it takes practice and dedication...
Dick: Why?
Maddox: I'll tell you.
Voicemail: ...and it basically allows you to control your dreams. You can go on all kinds of crazy adventures all inside your head, and it's totally a thing that people do.
Maddox: This fuckin' nerd. (muttering)
Voicemail: People get a lot of enjoyment out of it... (Maddox imitates a whiny tone) ...and use that inspiration to contribute. So, anyway. Thanks for hearing me out. Um...
Maddox: He's so polite! (both laugh)
Voicemail: ...Dick, go fuck yourself.
[message ends]
Dick: Ohhh. (Maddox laughs more)
Maddox: He's so polite until he says "fuck." Um, lucid dreaming is a piece of SHIT. I started writing an article a long time ago -- I actually finished it, but I didn't think it was up to standard so I didn't publish it. But it's all about how much I hate lucid dreaming.
Dick: Why??
Maddox: I'm...'cause I'm really good at it! I can lucid dream all I want all the time, but guess what?
Dick: WHAT?!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Wait a minute, what??
Maddox: Yes!!
Dick: What...how?
Maddox: Lucid dreaming is garbage. I -
Dick: (interjects) Is -- wait a minute. You can do this all the time?
Maddox: Yes!
Dick: The thing where you fall asleep and you control all aspects of your dream?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: You can do that all the time??
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: And you are excited about the Oculus Rift WHY? Isn't that the same thing?
Maddox: Absolutely not! Because lucid dreaming, you're just jerkin' yourself off. You're daydreaming! There's no difference! Lucid dreaming, I'm...I'm conscious of my dream state when I'm in a dream, and I intentionally try to forget that I'm awake and conscious so I can see where my mind goes on its OWN. If I wa-...if I'm controlling my mind in my sleep, what's the difference between being awake?? I'm just daydreaming then! It's a big fuckin' jerkoff. Everyone thinks lucid dreaming's so fuckin' fancy and fun, like Inception - "Ooo, I can fly!" (stupid voice) Guess what? I'm fuckin' flyin' right now! I'm imagining myself flying through the air. Woohoo, big fuckin' deal! It's a big jerkoff.
Dick: You can do this while you're sleeping?!
Maddox: Yes!!
Dick: You have this ability to be aware of your dream state and control it?
Maddox: Yes, I hate it! I hate it. I INTENTIONALLY try to not lucid dream! I don't wanna do it!
Dick: You know that that's... (stammers) At least *I* think that that's extremely rare! People can't do that, right?
Maddox: I mean, people train themselves to lucid dream. There's, uh -
Dick: (interjects) Did you??
Maddox: No, I didn't. There's audio tapes that you can take, uh...when I first started realizing that there was a name for lucid dreaming -- I didn't know what it was -- I looked into it and I found that there are people who take audio...who listen to audio tapes as they're falling asleep that give them, uh, audio cues to remind them that they're dreaming or that they're asleep...
Dick: Whoooa!
Maddox: ...about when REM sleep occurs. So there are people who train themselves to start lucid dreaming, but lucid dreaming isn't a solution to anything! You're just inside your...you're trapped inside your own mind. It's far more interesting to me to see where the random places your mind takes you while you're sleeping, the associations you wouldn't think to make on your own when your mind does that while you're sleeping. That's -
Dick: (interjects) So you're saying, when you're asleep...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: ...you are just sitting in an empty white room like the Matrix, being aware that you're sleeping?
Maddox: No no, I have dreams, and usually during those dreams at some point I realize that I'm dreaming, and I tell myself to ignore it and I just continue dreaming, yeah!
Dick: Whoa!!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's not weird?
Maddox: It's not as interesting as it sounds. It's really not.
Dick: Well, what this guy's saying...it sounds interesting, 'cause you can make...you can, like, do cool stuff.
Maddox: Yeah, but you -
Dick: (interjects) Probably bang hot chicks!
Maddox: Well, sure, but you can't...like, if you want to imagine a monster or a creature or something, some experience that you haven't experienced yet, it's entirely up to you to imagine and...and it's only as real as your real-life experiences have allowed it. Like, if you're trying...like a blind person! Trying to explain to a blind person what a texture looks like, or a color looks like? If you're trying to imagine something you've never seen before, it's REALLY difficult. It's really difficult. I'm not even sure it's possible!
Dick: Why would I try to imagine something I hadn't seen before?
Maddox: Exactly! Why lucid dream?
Dick: Well, 'cause lucid dre-...like, I could pretend that I'm flying around. That sounds cool.
Maddox: Well, you can do that now! I'm doin' that right fuckin' now, what's the difference?
Dick: Yeah, but when you're in a dream you actually FEEL it.
Maddox: Eh...
Dick: Like you're feeling the feeling of flying around.
Maddox: Yeah... (skeptical)
Dick: Or being, like, in space and going like, "wheeee..."
Maddox: I get...yeah, I'm over it. I get butterflies in my stomach every now and then, but whatever.
Dick: Oh, man!!
Maddox: Lucid dreaming is boring! Biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: I'm gonna bring that in, lucid dreaming.
Dick: Okay! Uh, here's another one. [plays next voicemail message]
Voicemail (female caller): I just wanted to inform you that the National Sleep Foundation (both chuckle) recently conducted a study that recommended 7 to 9 hours of sleep for young adults, and stated 10 to 11 hours may be appropriate.
Maddox: Yeah. (wearily) Great.
Voicemail: This study was released in 2015, was conducted over a period of 2 years... (brief pause) (both laugh loudly) ...and consisted of a panel of lead experts. I don't know where you got your crooked information for this episode...
Dick: Yeah. (laughs more)
Maddox: "Crooked"? (incredulous)
Dick: You crook!
Voicemail: ...but I PROMISE, if you just type "sleep" into Google, the FIRST thing you'll get -
Dick: I did it. She's right.
Voicemail: - is the National Sleep Foundation.
[message ends]
Dick: Well, it was the second. Wikipedia's first.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, uh, she broke her promise then, didn't she?
Dick: Where'd you get that crooked information, Maddox, you crook? (about to laugh)
Maddox: It was from, uh, I believe, a... (sighs) Oh shit, I don't know. I linked to...
Dick: I'm sure it's right.
Maddox: I linked to it last time? Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: It's legit, yeah. No, um, there's another study that just came out that said more than 10 hours increases your...I JUST read this the other day after that sleep, uh, that sleep episode! It said it increases your chance of, I think, uh, morbidity, or...uh, diabetes or something by 40 percent if you sleep too much! Yeah, it's...I mean, it makes sense! It all correlates to the type of lifestyle that...that, uh, affords you hours and hours to sleep.
Dick: Sure! [plays last voicemail message]
Voicemail (male caller): (snickering) Hey, this message is for Dick.
Dick: Laughin' already. (Maddox chuckles)
Voicemail: Uh, I saw the live podcast show, and uh...you know, I used to have hair a lot like yours.
Dick: Oh!
Voicemail: And for one, it doesn't look like pubes. Pubes are tight, and...you know, they kinda look like a 'fro and have those springy hairs on occasion. Yours are...
Dick: He's describing PUBES to us.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, thanks, buddy. (Dick giggles hysterically)
Voicemail: ...loose and fluffy. Uh, Italian. That whole rock band kinda deal.
Maddox: Yeah. (surly)
Dick: Yeah! (amused)
Voicemail: Uh, but I will say...your hairline! That's your problem.
Dick: OH. (annoyed) (Maddox laughs)
Voicemail: It doesn't compliment...uh, your hair doesn't compliment your hairline very well. Uh, so when I cut my hair it looked way cooler, and then I had some chick perm it, (Maddox sighs exasperatedly) and so, like, because of the curl...
Maddox: (yells) We're talkin' about HAIR on this fuckin' show?!? (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: ...and the straightening agent, it -
Maddox: Get this...cut this voicemail!! [message cuts off] I'm not talkin' about fuckin' hair!
Dick: Alright! (laughing)
Maddox: Cancel this fuckin'...
Dick: See ya next week.