Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 41

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick.

Dick: Hey! (laughs) What's up, buddy!?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hey.

Maddox: In studio today, Randy. Boy oh boy, Dick. We have had a week, haven't we?

Dick: I'm so fuckin' pissed off right now. (grinning) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Yeah! So, the live episode dropped and some people didn't like it, apparently. According to the YouTube comments, right?

Dick: Dropped like a 'Lead' Zeppelin!

Maddox: (laughing) You know, a couple of people on there were really pissed off at our guest. Whitney Moore, that we had on that episode. They said we should never invite her back.

Dick: That was most of the comments.

Maddox: Yeah. A lot of people were…

Dick: (interjects) Most of the comments were anti-Whitney Moore.

Maddox: They said "Do not ever have her on the show again." So, without further ado, our guest this week, Whitney Moore!!

Whitney: Hahaha!! It's me, bitches!

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Welcome back, Whitney. (Whitney giggles) Yeah, fuck the…you know, these fucking crybaby whiner piece of shit.

Whitney: Oh, they're so mad.

Maddox: I would like to fucking fistfight them. What do you want to say about that, Dick? Or Dax.

Dick: What, do you want…first of all, you blew it. You and this guy you got to host the show with you is not Dick Masterson. You guys really blew it. (Maddox and Whitney laugh) I wanna say right off the top.

Maddox: You think that's what the problem was?

Dick: Um, no. What, do you want me to talk about that?! 'Cause I'm pissed about that.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: These assholes that are shitting all over Whitney. (Whitney giggles)

Whitney: I mean…

Dick: Yeah. For shitting all over you. For dropping what I thought was an inconsequential sentence of dialogue in your overarcing problem, which was nerd culture. Right?

Whitney: Yeah. The whole argument was that if you make "being a nerd" the cornerstone of your personality, you're just boring.

Maddox: That was…

Whitney: (interjects) And I mentioned sexism, like an idiot. (laughing)

Dick: Well, wait. Yeah. Wait a minute. (Maddox laughs) You had a lot of interesting points that you can…see yourself if you go look at the live show. And one of them was that all culture now is beholden to remixing and rehashing nerd culture.

Whitney: Mhmm.

Dick: Which is true. Look at…look at…how big of a deal was the Avengers 50-year plan?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's 50 YEARS of comic book movies!!! Who fuckin' cares?!?! (yells)

Maddox: I think the point was lost…the point Whitney was making is that if you make it the cornerstone of your identity, you're a boring person. Right?

Whitney: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Right. Right.

Maddox: That was the argument.

Dick: Which is a great, interesting point.

Maddox: And all these fucking crybabies.

Whitney: Ooh. But now I'm a radical feminist. (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: For SUGGESTING that there is an abundance of violent threats that happen in this community!! (Maddox and Whitney laugh) Which is true!! (yells) Did we not grow up in this culture, you and I, Maddox?!

Maddox: You know, in defense. I would say this. I don't know if it's an abundance, but I know that the people who do make those threats are very vocal and they're the ones who are most likely to comment on YouTube. You don't see moderate people commenting. Dick, do you comment on YouTube? Whitney, do you?

Whitney: No. (giggles)

Dick: No.

Maddox: No! Of course not!

Dick: But I LOVE YouTube comments, because they are so violent and to the point.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles)

Dick: Like, I love YouTube comments, because they let you know exactly where you stand.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I brought in…I brought in, literally, two dozen quotes about how stupid my hair looks.

Maddox: Yeah. (Maddox and Whitney crack up)

Dick: That's how much I love YouTube quotes! But then these guys flip it around, and they say, "Oh, well, we're not actually…we're not actually reactionary assholes who will say anything to get a rise out of you."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yes you are!

Maddox: Uh, well these people who are commenting are. But I don't believe that they represent the majority. And that's the rub. Therein lies the problem with demonizing the entire group. Because they do represent a small faction, I think. Like terrorists, right?

Whitney: Or gamers.

Maddox: The majority of terrorists are Islamic, but the majority of Islam are not terrorists, right?

Dick: Well…okay. (Sean laughs) This is…now we're getting…yeah. Of course that's true.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: You sound like the "NotAllMen" GamerGate dudes.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I will not say that. I will not say that hashtag.

Dick: It's…violence is part of the culture. I think. I grew up in this culture. Being a kid with anonymity makes you violent, because it's part of human nature.

Maddox: Yeah, but I mean…really violent?

Dick: It's part of the culture. It's not the whole culture. It's part of it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright? Look. Look. Mean Girls? The movie? Exists. We're all violent in our own specific ways. This one happens to be your cross to bear. Alright, kids? So suck it up! (Whitney laughs) Sorry that she didn't say "Everyone is like this!" She singled you out. It wasn't a big deal. Shut the fuck up! (yelling)

Whitney: Dax…we were talking about before…

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Whitney: Awww.

Dick: Sorry. Do it again. Do it again. That guy is YouTube only. (Maddox and Whitney laugh)

Whitney: We were talking about how mine was the only subject that really personally went after people. There were no people who were like "Hey, I shit in other people's toilets, and I am offended at these generalizations you're making about them."

Dick: Yeah.

Whitney: And as one of them personally, I actually thought that your argument was really good.

Maddox: You know what really pisses…you know what really pissed me off about that whole live episode? The one quote that people didn't jump down your neck about, Whitney…(Whitney laughs) is when I said Ethnic Cleansing was a big problem and you said "It's not a big deal." (Dick and Whitney giggle) That was…nobody had a problem with that, you FUCKING IDIOTS!!

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: That's what you guys don't have an issue with, but you have an issue with all the other horseshit, like this throwaway line that she said, you fucking morons? You fucking mouthbreathing piece of shit apes! (Dick laughs) I would like to fucking punch you in the fucking face. If you think that that's not a problem. And nobody jumped down your neck about that.

Whitney: No, I said, "Oh, it's kind of like Nerd Culture, actually."

Maddox: That too.

Whitney: And I had no actual…no real thing to say about it. (giggles)

Maddox: No, of course. We're just…whatever. We're gettin' a rise out of people.

Dick: To be fair. To be fair, Maddox. You never did make a good point why Ethnic Cleansing was bad.

Maddox: Do I have to, dickhead?!!?

Dick: Well, apparently. (giggles)

Maddox: Do I have to sit there and explain to you why killing millions of people and putting them in mass graves is bad? Do I really have to hold your hand and drive you through this process of weeping families and entire civilizations being wiped out? Do I have to make that case clear?

Dick: Yeah! Because otherwise this show is just a list! (Whitney laughs)

Maddox: Great, Dick. (Dick guffaws) I was trying to…I was trying to expand on different points of ethnic cleansing that people don't normally think about. Like, yeah. Where are you gonna park your car? (Dick laughs)

Dick: That's the stupidest point! (laughs)

Maddox: You're the stupidest point! That was something that people don't consider, like, in modern days. Like, if you were living in a small town in say, I don't know, Utah.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And there was some dictator who came through and just cleansed a whole bunch of people, hundreds of thousands of people, there's gonna be graves everywhere!

Whitney: There's not a lot of cleanse in Utah, though, it's pretty much all white people.

Maddox: Yeah, it's already been cleansed. (Maddox and Whitney laugh)

Dick: Didn't what you're saying happen?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Didn't there used to be some Indians there?

Maddox: There used to be. (Whitney laughs)

Dick: Yeah. They got cleansed. There's plenty of parking.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I got…I got a voice mail about exactly what you're talking about. You wanna hear it?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Already, a voice mail about the live show.

(Voice mail: (male voice) (whiny) "Hey Maddox, if you're so worried about where you're gonna park your bike in spite of all the mass graves, why don't you just ride your bike, you fucking hippie!! Myaaaaaaaah!!) (Maddox and Whitney crack up)

Dick: Point, counterpoint.

Whitney: I like him.

Maddox: That is the snottiest voice I've ever heard in my life.

Whitney: Myaaaaaah! He sounds like an old-timey…the guy that would tie a lady to the railroad. Snidely Whiplash.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Whitney: Myaaaaaaaah.

Maddox: Uh, I got a comment about…so, last episode I talked about sleeping and how much I hate people who love to sleep. Um, this comments from Conivore O'Brien.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: He says, "Maddox, how the fuck can you think sleeping/dreaming sucks, but video games are awesome? I love video games like I love sleeping. Cool fantasy shit happens while I relax in comfort. Go ride a bull, idiot." (Whitney scoffs)

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: Go ride a bull?

Maddox: Go ride a bull.

Whitney: That's a good insult.

Dick: Alright, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You're skipping a part of the show.

Maddox: Oh?

Dick: You're skipping the part of the show where we go over whose problem…who brought in the problem that was deemed a bigger problem?

Maddox: Hey, I like that phrasing.

Dick: The winner.

Maddox: There we go. No.

Dick: AKA, the winner.

Maddox: No, not a winner! Fuck you!

Dick: Of the last podcast. (grinning) (Whitney laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, whatever. Listen, listen, Dick.

Dick: So, who is…

Maddox: Okay, so…the live episode dropped a day or two late, right? It should have dropped the same exact day as episode #40.

Dick: That doesn't count!

Maddox: So…it should have!

Dick: We're not counting all the same problems together!!

Maddox: Oh, really? 'Cause we are. It's on the website.

Dick: Nooooo!!

Maddox: Yeah, that's right, dickhead!

Dick: That's bullshit!

Maddox: Yeah. You're bullshit. Here…listen to this.

Dick: I still won.

Maddox: Yeah. You didn't win. Nobody wins. So, um…here's the thing, Dick. (Dick giggles) If after a week, Ethnic Cleansing…Ethnic Cleansing is really making the ranks here. It's at 647 votes as of this recording. Newscasterbation is at 1162. If by this time next week, Ethnic Cleansing is higher and you punish me with some fucking bullshit Titanic clip, then as your punishment next week for misleading our audience, you have to take a shot of hot sauce!

Dick: You are…

Sean: You were supposed to watch it!

Dick: Yeah, you said…

Sean: (interjects) Did that happen?

Dick: Listen to me. Listen to me. Whoa, everyone slow the fuck down. Maddox is pulling one of his…didn't that sound like bullshit to you, Whitney?

Whitney: I was too dazed by his dazzling words.

Dick: Yeah. Bamboozled.

Whitney: I was just…yeah, I was bamboozled. (giggles)

Dick: You were bamboozled like a slick snake oil salesman. (Whitney giggles)

Maddox: What…I don't need this collusion!!! On my own fucking show! This is bullshit!

Dick: Look. This is…the problems that come in on the episode get voted on. That's the show. That's the buzzer. Alright? The problems for the live show, that's a different thing.

Maddox: So, if the live show is delayed and it comes out a day or two later, the problem still gets voted higher? And by the way, Dick, you celebrated on the live show prematurely, because you stacked the deck! Your friends were in the audience…

Dick: What are you talking about?

Maddox: Ohhh, I know what you did, buddy. Your friends were in the audience. Whatever. Okay.

Dick: Okay. Listen to me. Listen to me. So, Whitney. What I usually do, 'cause Maddox swore that he would never watch Titanic. The movie.

Whitney: What?

Dick: Yeah, right?

Whitney: It's a great movie.

Maddox: Never seen it. I will not.

Dick: It's a great movie.

Maddox: You guys are suckers.

Dick: It's a romantic movie and it's an adventure movie.

Whitney: It's nice.

Maddox: Oh, you idiots.

Dick: It's nice. (Whitney giggles) Right? This guy, for no reason, won't watch it.

Maddox: For lots of reasons.

Dick: So…so every time…go ahead, what's one?

Whitney: What is one reason?

Dick: What's one reason?

Maddox: Because it's…it's a cheap commercialization of love. They're trying to…(Dick guffaws)

Whitney: What?! (incredulous) That's every movie.

Maddox: Exactly. And I don't watch shitty movies like that.

Whitney: And you don't watch any movies? (giggles)

Maddox: I don't watch any movies. (Whitney laughs) I sit in the dark. Listen, it's a…(Whitney and Sean laugh)

Dick: You only wanna watch TRUE love movies, right? Not cheap commercial…

Whitney: (interjects) Like porn. That's true love. (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah. I watch porn because it's honest. It's two people who are fucking. That's all it is. You know what, that's what Titanic is! (Dick and Whitney giggle) It's selling you this lure. This story. You know, they're hooking you with the lure of sex, right? You go to see this movie and you're like "Oh, yeah!"

Dick: No.

Maddox: Kate Winslet! What do you mean, no?! Of course that's what it is!!

Dick: They're hooking you with the lure of sex?! (incredulous)

Whitney: I was in the fourth grade when that came out.

Maddox: Creep…see, creepy! (Whitney guffaws) So all these little girls…you go there with these false expectations…and…you know, life isn't ever like that!! (Dick laughs) It's bullshit! It's baloney! You're never gonna be standing on a boat and your boyfriend's gonna come up behind you, like, eeeeeeeeeeeh. Mwah, mwah, mwah. Look how romantic this is. (silly voice)

Whitney: Wait, is that why you watch movies? Is because you hope to one day do the thing that's in the movie? (Dick and Sean laugh)

Dick: Yeah. Did you watch the Lego Movie?

Maddox: No.

Whitney: Or, like, Guardians of the Galaxy? One day I'm gonna be a raccoon.

Maddox: Guardians of the Galaxy was stupid. There. I said it!

Dick: What?!? (incredulous)

Whitney: No. Wrong.

Maddox: Fuck everyone. I…go ahead. Rip me up in the comments, assholes! I'm gonna bring it in next week as a problem. I'm writing that down right now.

Dick: Oh, it was a great movie.

Whitney: No. It was a good movie.

Maddox: Ugh, I'm gonna rip it up.

Whitney: Seeing what James Gunn did with a big budget superhero movie, making it still his sense of humor, dark and clever, is good. It was good. You're wrong.

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) Clever. Except I've seen that movie a billion times. That stupid scene where they were fighting in the…you know what? I'm gonna talk about it next week. Next week.

Dick: What scene? (Whitney giggles)

Maddox: Okay. Where they're fighting in the jail, right?

Dick: Uh-huh. Funny.

Maddox: And there's that guy in the control tower who's operating all the robots and widgets and all that bullshit. And the guy…the famous five, or whatever, the Guardians, get up there, at the very end. So the director gets this really tight shot of the guy in the control tower, right?

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: And it's the back of his head. And he's working. He's pushing widgets and pressing buttons, and then you KNOW what's coming! He's gonna slowly turn around, and then he looks and sees the guys walking in…it's, like, "Oh, shit." (Dick cackles) And that's the part where the audience is like "Oh, man, oh my gosh, here it comes." (stupid voice) and everyone's waiting in anticipation, and of course, cut to a wide shot of them throwing the prisoner guard outside the tower, and it was like…wheeeeeeewww…like they fucking accomplished anything!! (yelling) You didn't see that coming a billion miles away!?! I've seen that scene a billion different movies. It's boring.

Whitney: Ohh, now I'm just interested in seeing a movie called The Famous Five. (Dick and Maddox crack up)

Dick: So, Maddox. Do you…like, when someone starts telling a knock-knock joke, do you go, like, "Stop, stop!! There's a twist! There's a twist! (Maddox and Whitney crack up) There's some kind of semantic pun or a wordplay or a twist on this!! I've seen it!!"

Maddox: Yeah. You know, Dick, I don't tell knock-knock jokes for that same reason. They're fucking stupid.

Dick: Okay, anyway. Whitney. So, I've been playing Titanic every time I win. (Whitney giggles) And in the previous episode, I played 30 seconds of Titanic that this asshole has to watch. Right?

Whitney: That's great.

Dick: And he ruins every one of them by talking through them, 'cause he knows, deep down, that it's actually a good movie.

Maddox: It's a shit movie.

Dick: And he doesn't wanna get hooked in and start getting interested. So, LAST WEEK, you said that my antics are screwing up the voting for this show.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Then, to fix that, you said the following, I'm gonna play this…

Maddox: Go ahead.

Dick: That you said.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Clip: (Maddox): "And second, um, okay. I'm going to watch Titanic after this episode. I will watch Titanic and don't worry about it. No more Titanic clips.")

Whitney: Nooo! (whispers)

Dick: So, what is that?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Did you watch it?

Maddox: Yeah, I watched it.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Whitney: Hmm. (skeptical)

Dick: Let's…let's quiz you, okay? Sorry. Let's quiz you. Let's quiz you. (Maddox and Whitney crack up) Alright. What happens to the Titanic? (all crack up)

Whitney: What!? Are you serious?!

Maddox: It sinks. There we go. Don't have to play it anymore.

Dick: Okay, hold on, I've got more questions.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Who directed it?

Maddox: James Cameron.

Dick: Shit. Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Get fucked!

Dick: Maybe you did see it.

Maddox: And by the way, by the way, Whitney, you love Titanic so much? You think he's such a brilliant director? You think it's such a good movie? Why don't you look up the alternate ending to Titanic? The one that they didn't use because they decided…they went with this other one? (Whitney laughs) It shows you the ingenuity of James Cameron. He's a piece of shit. He made this stupid, sappy, dumbass ending that was so dumb. It's…it's dumber than all three original…all three prequel Star Wars combined.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: It's the dumbest thing I've ever seen. That's the brilliance. That's the mind that it's coming from.

Whitney: No, it's fucking rad! It's hilarious.

Maddox: Ugh.

Whitney: 'Cause it's such a dated movie.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: If you see it now, you can appreciate it, and be like, "Oh, this was huge back then."

Sean: Does he float to safety on Kate Winslet?

Maddox: (scoffs) No.

Whitney: Can I…can I spoil it? (Dick laughs)

Maddox: I've seen it.

Whitney: Okay. The woman, at the end, who drops the stone into the ocean. She keeps it, and she's like "I'm not gonna give it to you." And then what happens? They, like, fight her?

Maddox: Uh, yeah.

Whitney: They punch her. (giggles)

Maddox: She comes up and she has, like, this little jewel that she's holding, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The fucking magic jewel. I don't know what the backstory is. I mean, I do, 'cause I've seen it.

Dick: Uh-oh!!! (Maddox cracks up) (Whitney giggles) Wait a minute! You haven't seen it, have you?

Maddox: No, I've seen it. I've seen it. Don't worry about it, buddy. I've seen it. Um, so, uh…

Dick: Okay, lemme ask you another question.

Maddox: Go ahead. Yes.

Dick: Did you like the scene when they had sex in the car? (Sean laughs)

Maddox: There was no scene with sex in the car. Trick question.

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhh!! I can't…it was a yes or no answer, Maddox! There was DEFINITELY a scene where they have sex in a car!

Maddox: There was not, you guys…is this a trick?

Dick: Yup, there was. No.

Whitney: No.

Dick: There was definitely a scene.

Maddox: You know what? I must have gotten up to get popcorn 'cause it was so entertaining during that part. (Dick scoffs) You know what? That doesn't count. (Sean laughs) Anyway, let's move on.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. You're fucking watching the movie. Fuck you.

Maddox: Kay. If you…if the votes change by next week, you're drinking a shot of hot sauce, buddy.

Dick: I'm not doing shit. You said you would watch it!

(Clip of Titanic continues from previous episode)

Maddox: I did.

Dick: Look.

Maddox: I'm not watching it.

Dick: Whitney, would you like to watch Titanic with me?

Whitney: Yeah. I love this movie.

Dick: So…

Maddox: Why don't you two idiots go on a date?

Dick: So, right now…right now, it was just discovered that that documentary they were doing is kind of a sham.

Maddox: You're a sham! (Whitney giggles)

Dick: What else would they be doing 20,000 leagues under the sea? (Maddox scoffs)

Whitney: I don't know. I liked Titanic just 'cause it's super creepy going that far under the sea. It's like…ugh, that always really scares me.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's super creepy and a little erotic.

Whitney: Yeah.

Maddox: It's not erotic.

Whitney: Yeah, it's like equal parts creepy and erotic. (laughs)

Dick: That's what people say about me.

Whitney: Which is so what I'm into. (laughs)

Maddox: Heh. Yeah. (scoffs)

Dick: Maddox, look! It's a little guy, like an AutoBot.

Maddox: Aaaaaaaah!! I'm looking at the ceiling! Cool. I just looked at the lights and now I have spots on my eyes.

(Titanic clip stops)

Dick: Poor loser. Do you wanna do problems, or do we have time to…

Maddox: No, no, no. I got some comm…I wanna read some of these live comments from the episode.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: This one's from Blan Blazbo. He says, and these are all YouTube comments, by the way. I got so many. He says, "Well, that was disappointing. Was Maddox contractually obligated to be a fucking tool in this live show?" (Dick and Whitney laugh)

Dick: I read that one.

Maddox: Yeah, uh…

Dick: Were you?

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) I'm sure he was really asking. That's not a rhetorical question. (Dick laughing) Are you calling me a fucking tool, Blan Blazbo, way to use rhetorical questions as a device to make your insult, you shit!

Dick: It's funny. (Whitney laughs)

Maddox: You fuck. And then he said, "Why was there no debating? Why was it only 14 minutes long?" You know what, Blaaaazbo? I'll tell you why it was only 14 minutes long. Because of you. Because of all of you! Because of this fickle YouTube generation. You guys only have an attention span of three fucking minutes! I made an original cut of this that was 25 minutes long and I sent it out to a test audience. And the test audience felt it was a little bit long.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Maybe it's not the audience that listens to the podcast; however, still, it's the fickle YouTube audience. And you know what? Don't lie to me! Don't say, "Eeeeeh, well, why don't you put out the longer version? I'll watch it!!" (stupid voice) "Beh beh beh!!" No, you won't. Because I can look at the metrics of every video that I post and I can see your retention rate. And guess what? Right around 3 minutes, it drops off all you fucking toolbags! And also, you know what? We ultimately reserve complete editorial rights and control over this content. We produced the best possible episode, I think, that we delivered in 14 minutes. It's a tight 14 minutes. Fuck you. How about that?

Dick: People have been asking me, like, my honest opinion of it. And I thought there were funny problems. I thought the jokes were good. And I thought the idea of having a talk show where the guest, someone like Whitney Moore, who is the star of Birdemic, right? (Whitney giggles) I thought the idea of having a guest bring in a problem was interesting!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause usually guests just come in and talk about what they're doing. They never have to risk getting torn apart by 10,000 guys in a single day.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: By bringing in the wrong problem.

Maddox: I got a comment from Skidsy. He said, "What the fuck's with the laugh track?" Guess what, Skidsy? There was no laugh track.

Dick: I was wondering that, too.

Maddox: (giggles) There was no laugh track. That was all live studio audience.

Dick: Oh, that's cool.

Maddox: Uh, then I got another one. This one's from Kingly Minotaur. He said, "I really did enjoy this form of the series. I understand why it has to be shorter, but I would like to see more interaction between the guests and the hosts. More of an in depth debate. I understand if that's not feasible with the format, though." Very, like, sensible comment. That's, like, one of the few sensible comments I read on here.

Whitney: So sweet and reasonable and not like YouTube.

Dick: Yeah. Was that off our site, or was that off YouTube?

Maddox: YouTube.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: I got one from Fuckrumpus. (they all crack up) He says, (laughing) "Biggest problem, self-righteous Internet celebrities. Fuck your shitty show, Maddox. Go back to podcasts." (Dick laughs) You what's interesting is…

Whitney: Oh, what the fuck?

Maddox: When I started The Best Show in The Universe, people said, "Fuck your shitty show, go back to writing." And now that I started the podcast, people are like, "Fuck your shitty podcast, go back to the Best Show." (Dick laughs) And now, we've come full circle and they're saying go back to the podcast. You know what? Go fuck yourself. (Dick and Whitney laugh) I got another one from Running05. He says,"I love your insane outfits. Also, do more live shows. This is great." I had a couple, actually. Another one from HitoriMajeri, he says, "Oh, my gosh, this was brilliant." Dick, it looks like you have some…you wanna read some comments?

Dick: Yeah, I got some comments. I got one from Asterios Kokkinos. He did some writing on the show. He says, "If you're wondering how many words into the comments you have to read to find the N-word, it's three."

Maddox: Yup. (they all crack up) I saw that. It was one of the first comments. It was the N-word, it was the C…it was all sorts of…yeah.

Dick: I've got…I'm gonna skip ahead. I've got…I've got about two pages of how I'm ugly. Uh… Fredsecious. "Maddox has a face for radio and Dick has hair like my Aunt Fanny. Not sure if it's a wig or just a very poor life choice."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Holy shit, that's what Dick look like? No wonder he's an alcoholic." (Sean and Whitney laugh)

Maddox: That's a pretty good one.

Dick: "Dick looks like a time traveler from the eighties" Adrien Kade, "What the fuck is wrong with your hair? Hoping it's just a shitty wig." Ideffy7, "Dick Masterson's hair looks like pubes." (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Mmm. That's pretty good.

Maddox: Uh, trust me guys, I've had this conversation with Dick in real life, asking…imploring him to do something with it, I don't know.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'm starting to find, like twist ties and bobby pins around the studio.

Dick: I don't use bobby pins. They hurt your hair. "Dick looks like a Disney princess." I…that's gotta be a compliment, right?

Whitney: That's nice.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah, that's very sweet. Disney princesses are hot.

Whitney: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, Roger Levy, "Holy shit, I never knew Dick's face was so punchable." (Maddox and Dick crack up) "No, hey, Dick, I actually like you, counter to popular opinion." Okay. Uh, "You just have a punchable face." It's true.

Maddox: It's true. You do have one of the most punchable faces I've seen.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I got one from Starvedwatcher. He says, "Rest in peace, all the people who got killed and raped by nerds." (Whitney laughs) Whitney, I believe that was a point, that was a comment to your point.

Whitney: Man. (laughing)

Maddox: Uh, how many people would you say each week die by nerds?

Whitney: 7200. Die by nerds. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: That's a lot. That's, like, more than a thousand a day.

Whitney: I dunno, man. I insinuated that maybe you get death threats, which was a thing in the news.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: But, man. YouTube didn't like it.

Dick: Oh, it's a thing.

Maddox: Oh, sure.

Dick: It's a real thing.

Whitney: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. I get death threats, yeah.

Dick: Me too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: The best part is that…how defensive everyone got over it. Means that there's some truth to it, at least, 'cause they're like "No, no. We didn't do any of that. We're not like that." And it's like, yeah, you wouldn't be getting that mad if you weren't shitty.

Dick: You might say anger is the weathervane of truth.

Maddox: Oh my gosh, Dick.

Whitney: You might say that.

Dick: That's the first line in my book.

Maddox: Ugh, Jesus.

Dick: What?!!

Whitney: Where is Fuckrumpus?

Dick: That's what you're saying! They wouldn't get bent out of shape if what you're saying wasn't kinda true, right?

Whitney: I didn't get it.

Maddox: Anger is the weathervane of…that's very poetic.

Dick: Thanks. It was actually Jeremie Ruby-Strauss…

Maddox: Oh, there it is!

Dick: My version was, like, a paragraph long. It was embarrassing.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)

Dick: Alright…

Maddox: I got a couple more comments. Uh, this one's from GameGroomps. I think it's a play off of GameGrumps.

Whitney: GameGrumps.

Maddox: It's not GameGrumps.

Whitney: No?

Maddox: GameGroomps. He says, "More like the biggest wait in the universe." Good one, Game GROOMPS.

Dick: It's true.

Maddox: Real clever. And then I have a couple…I just wanna end on these two comments. This one's from M4n10r…whatever, fuck off. He says, "Not interesting at all. Bye." (Dick and Whitney laugh) And then…(laughs)

Whitney: Wow. (laughing)

Maddox: And then I just want to end on this one here, it's from Srachc. He says, "Well, I think it's time for me to unsubscribe." Srachc, I couldn't agree more.

(Clip plays, "So long, farewell, Auf Wiedersehen, goodnight." )

Maddox: See you later, fuckface. (Dick laughs)

("I hate, I hate…")

Maddox: Your face. You piece of shit. You know, we don't need you! I don't give a fuck if you like or don't like the show! Go ahead and unsubscribe. Go ahead and delete it. I don't give a shit. Because you're not paying us to do this. (Dick laughs) The only people who are, are the people who buy the bonus episodes and that's about it. If these were people who bought the bonus episodes and they were bitching this much, maybe I'd give a shit, but you're listening to free entertainment. Fuck off!

Whitney: There were people who threatened to unsubscribe to me. And I was like, "I don't have a YouTube…" (Maddox laughs) I don't have, like, a career in YouTube. What are you talking about. (laughing)

Sean: I love how people bitch about something they're getting for free because it doesn't match what they've conjured up in their minds.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: You know, for what the show should be?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Maybe that's on us. Maybe we should have said specifically what the show was gonna be. Like, "It's gonna be 15 minutes long. It's gonna be a talk show format."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And this is what we think it should be.

Maddox: Right. It's different, dipshits. Look, it's…(Dick guffaws) it's a visual medium. We're going to produce a different show for a visual medium. You wanna just see us recording the podcast, great. You're just gonna look at three dickheads talking for an hour. Is that what you want?

Whitney: I'm not one of those…

Dick: No. He was talking about Sean.

Whitney: Oh, that's him. Okay, I was like…(giggles)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No.

Whitney: I'm a nice lady.

Maddox: Yeah. Well.

Dick: You are. (Whitney laughs) You are a beautiful lady, as well.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh, here we go! Here we go.

Whitney: Awwww.

Maddox: Why don't you guys go on your shitty Titanic date, already? Alright, whatever.

Whitney: You wanna watch Titanic?

Maddox: Okay, I'm done. (Whitney giggles) What's your problem? Let's get to the problems, shall we?

Dick: Ohhhhhh, fuck. I got all these voice mails and they're all wasted, now.

Maddox: No, let's hear some voice mails! Yeah.

Dick: Alright, this is about the…well, I'll just play it.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Good evening, Maddox and Dick. It's Brian Williams. (Maddox laughs) Maddox, I just wanted to call and say thank you for defending me. It occurred to me as I was wrestling a bear with my bare hands today (Maddox and Sean crack up) (Dick: Today?) Often, journalists are held to too high of a standard. So, thank you again Maddox, for coming to my aid. And now, if you'll excuse me, I have to walk to the moon.")

(Sean, Dick, and Maddox crack up)

Sean: Please tell me you're following that up with Bono.

Dick: (laughing) No, no, no. I didn't get any Bono this week.

Sean: Aww.

Dick: Here's one about the beds.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Do you know what I really love about this show? (Maddox: Okay.) In one episode, they advertise beds. Casper beds. They have a bed in a box. They'll send it to you. (Maddox: then next week, Maddox likes to throw out, "Oh, fucking sleeping is for idiots. Fuck you if you sleep." (Maddox and Sean crack up)Wow. Way to go Maddox. You are a sneaky, sneaky little prick, you. (All crack up) …I bet your veins are popping right out of your skull right now. Dick, don't go fuck yourself.")

Dick: They are!!! They are.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. (laughing)

Whitney: I mean, you can use your mattress for other things besides sleeping. Am I right, Dax?

Dick: Like what? Yeaaaaah. (laughing)

Maddox: Oooookay. Here we go. I'm gonna throw up. (Whitney laughs) I'm gonna throw up all over the microphone.

Sean: Yeah, like watching Titanic in bed.

Whitney: No, like, yeah.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Whitney: What did you think we were talking about?

Dick: My TV in the family room is broken, so we gotta go lay on the bed to watch it. (Whitney giggles)

Maddox: Uh, it's an amazing mattress. No joke. I've had some of the most restful sleep I've ever had in my life. But I don't sleep too much, idiots. And I don't love it. It's fine. I like sleeping the normal amount. I got one more comment. I know that we got so many comments. This one's from Steven Hanner. He sent it through email. He says, "Wouldn't it be funny if you kept hyping up the live episode but never actually posted it? Imagine how many sad fans with blue balls you can disappoint. I bet their tears could lubricate your dick for years." (Dick and Sean laugh) "Speaking of dicks, I wish Dick's great grandmother died on the Titanic so everyone wouldn't have to be subject to Titanic now."

Dick: Oh. (dejected)

Whitney: Damn.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, why don't you just watch the movie?

Maddox: I already did, Dick. I'm not gonna watch it twice.

Dick: No, you didn't. You obviously didn't.

Maddox: No, no, I watched it.

Dick: You obviously didn't.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: You didn't remember the most important scene.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I did. It's the painting scene. I remember that.

Whitney: Nope.

Dick: Uh…it's a drawing scene, shithead. Not a painting scene.

Maddox: You know, painting, drawing. (Whitney laughs) It's in the same…it's on a spectrum.

Dick: Yeah. Something's on a spectrum, alright. (Maddox and Whitney laugh) Alright. Fuck these. I don't wanna do these voice mails anymore. You ready for the problems?

Maddox: Let's hear it.

Dick: My first problem is Hay Fever.

Maddox: Hay Fever.

Dick: Yeah.

Whitney: What is…is that, like, allergies?

Dick: Uhh…yeah. I guess that's one way to put it. Yes. It is called "allergic rhinitis", often called hay fever. It's a common condition that causes symptoms such as sneezing, stuffy nose, runny nose, watery eyes, and itching of the nose, eyes, and the roof of the mouth, plus you sound like a stupid, sick asshole for a week.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And there's nothing you can do about it. You're not even sick.

Maddox: You could just have better genes, I guess.

Whitney: Yeah, I've never had that problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, I've never had it either until this year.

Maddox: You have hay fever?

Dick: So, all of a sudden, I'm allergic to pollen.

Whitney: Do you have it right now?

Dick: I think so. I think I've had it all year. I don't think it's the hangovers, either.

Maddox: It could be Titanic. It's making you a bigger pussy.

Dick: No, no, no, no. This is a big problem. It affects, uh, lemme see. In the last 12 months, 17.5 million people have been diagnosed with hay fever. Dude, it's horrible.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like feeling sick every day.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And there's nothing you can do about it.

Maddox: Claritin.

Dick: It doesn't…

Whitney: Yeah.

Dick: Claritin costs 30 bucks.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: Well, it's a thing you can do about it.

Maddox: It's a thing you can do about it.

Dick: I'm not gonna sit here and listen to two people…(Maddox laughs) who don't ever get hay fever tell me that I can fix it with some Claritin D.

Whitney: I mean…

Dick: It doesn't just go away. It's awful.

Maddox: I'm looking for a "Wwwwaaaaah" sound effect. I can't find it. (Whitney laughs)

Dick: Caused by grass. (Maddox and Whitney scoff)

(Sound effect: Baby laugh)

Dick: It's a type of allergy that happens when your body makes antibodies in response to certain triggers. That's my problem, man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Look, it affects…it affects between 10 and 30% of people on Earth.

Maddox: Yeah, you know…it's…I actually have a way of finding out who has hay fever. You just follow the trail of tears. (Whitney chuckles) To the pharmacy. They're always crying about their fucking allergies. Allergy, allergy, allergy. (whiny, nasal voice) Hey, I don't know, man…I mean, if you got allergies so bad…first of all, eat the local honey. That helps with it. If you're…I think it helps build up your body's immunity to whatever the local pollen is, or whatever the allerg…

Whitney: It does.

Dick: I'm sorry, what?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whitney: It's a thing!

Dick: Eat the local honey?

Maddox: Eat the local honey.

Whitney: Yeah, it's good.

Maddox: Yeah, it's a thing.

Whitney: 'Cause you're eating the pollen, and so you're developing an immunity.

Dick: That's…that's bee pollen.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: I mean…

Maddox: (interjects) But that's the pollen that's making you allergic.

Dick: How do…why do both of you guys think this same wrong thing?

Whitney: And from the local flowers. It's a thing.

Maddox: It's not a wrong thing.

Whitney: It's a thing.

Dick: Eating bee pollen…

Maddox: I'm pretty sure, yeah.

Dick: Does not make you immune to grass pollen.

Whitney: No, it's supposed to help with the symptoms.

Maddox: Yeah, they've done studies. Recent studies have come out that people who have allergies to certain things, especially from early childhood, if they're exposed to it in small amounts and small doses over time, they build a tolerance to it. Just like I did with hot sauce.

Whitney: And alcohol.

Maddox: Yeah. And alcohol, Dick! Dick…there we go.

Dick: No, alcohol goes in reverse. The more you drink, the less tolerant you are. (Whitney laughs)

Whitney: Oh, that's true. You're right.

Maddox: (laughing) Is that…Dick…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's the only drug that works in reverse like that. Are you telling me what alcohol does to you?! (Whitney cracks up)

Maddox: Yeah, 'cause I've seen you, Dick. You drink like a fucking fish and I never see you drunk. Like, I can barely tell between you drunk and sober. Maybe that's 'cause you're always drunk.

Dick: Could be.

Maddox: Could be. But same thing with coffee! Coffee's like that! You drink too much caffeine and it loses efficacy.

Dick: Yeah.

Whitney: I don't know why the only two people who aren't affected by hay fever know this. It should be, like…you should know this if you're trying to get after your fever…

Dick: Uh, you guys should just check your privilege, alright?

Whitney: Oh, no…(giggles) (Maddox cackles)

Dick: I don't need to be told about…I'm not gonna Winnie the fucking Pooh, eating honey out of big ceramic jars when you got hay…what, you think all of us hay fever sufferers just need to eat more honey?

Whitney: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. It could help. There was this movement awhile back where people were eating all sorts of exotic honeys and stuff, and I'm not sure if it was a movement so much as a good trend, and people were getting sick from it. And it's, like, of course guys, you're importing pollen and different allergens from a different region and you're making yourself sick if you have allergies to it. Look, man, I don't know. If you got allergies to a thing and it's bad enough, fucking move to another state. What can I say?

Dick: A state that has no grass.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: That's where this shit comes from.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Grass.

Maddox: Move to Utah. It's a fucking desert.

Dick: Alright. Missing work.

Whitney: I would fire someone if they were like "My allergies…" (whines)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You fucking too.

Whitney: I would.

Dick: You know what, those guys are YouTube are right.

Whitney: Oh, my word!

Dick: No sympathy at all. (Maddox and Whitney laugh) No sympathy at all for us poor hay feverers.

Maddox: Put some buckshot right in their ass.

Whitney: Guess who never gets hay fever? Women.

Dick: Is that true?

Whitney: I don't know. (giggles)

Dick: No, that's not true.

Sean: On the plus side, I don't think Maddox is gonna have to listen to Titanic next week.

Dick: Shut the fuck up, Sean. (Maddox laughs) It's the FIFTH leading cause of…chronic major cause of work absentee-ism and presentee-ism. I don't know what that is.

Maddox: Fifth major cause?

Dick: Yeah. Resulting in nearly 4 million missed or lost work days every year, Resulting in a total cost of more than 700 million dollars a year.

Whitney: Why are they getting hay fever if they're working in an office, though?

Maddox: Mmmhmmm.

Dick: 'Cause it's pollen. It's everywhere. It's all over.

Whitney: It's in…

Maddox: (interjects) Why don't you just fucking wear a face mask and fuck off already? (Whitney cracks up) If it's bothering you so much, I see people in Japan and China always wearing face masks! They look like fucking ninjas walking around everywhere. Why don't you just wear a face mask and call it a day?

Dick: That doesn't work. That doesn't stop the pollen.

Maddox: How do you know? Have you ever done it?

Dick: No! 'Cause pollen is little. It's on everything.

Maddox: Uhh…

Dick: It's everywhere.

Maddox: You wear a gas mask!

Dick: You breathe it through the mask!

Maddox: Wear a gas mask like a fucking raver.

Dick: Wear a Hazmat suit. That's the solution?

Maddox: Yeah. Well, if it's a big enough problem, Dick. Are you saying it's a problem, or not? If it's a problem, you should wear a Hazmat suit.

Dick: Medical cost. Total medical cost of this? 3.4 billion dollars, mostly due to the cost of prescription medications, like Claritin D.

Maddox: Yeah. By the way, you know how nefarious Claritin is? That pharmaceutical company that markets Claritin? They now sell Claritin-brand pillows. Did you know this?

Whitney: What? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah. Go to Bed, Bath, and Beyond. They have Claritin-brand pillows, comforters, bed sheets, and it's all…it's so fucking weird and abstract and bizarre that I'm seeing this…this pharmaceutical company is now marketing, like, houseware. Like, house products.

Whitney: Are they supposed to, like, defer dander or something?

Maddox: Well, you know, that's what they're trying to do, Whitney, is they're trying to associate it with..what's the…hypoallergenic. They're trying to associate with the term hypoallergenic.

Whitney: Oh.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: So they make supposedly hypoallergenic pillows and things, but guess what? That already existed. So Claritin is trying to become the Nike of bedware.

Whitney: I had a friend whose dog was hypoallergenic and I hated it, so.

Maddox: The dog or the friend?

Whitney: The dog.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Why?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What was wrong with the dog.

Whitney: It's not, like, a cool dog. It was like an ankle biter. (Maddox laughs) I dunno. Sometimes dogs suck.

Maddox: Dick's an ankle biter.

Dick: You sure it wasn't biting…(trails off and laughs) Fucking guy. (Maddox and Whitney laugh) Nevermind.

Maddox: What were you gonna say? Yeah. So, what else you got, Dick?

Dick: Uh, look. This is how bad it is.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 12 million British people suffer from hay fever. Right?

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: So there's a wonder cure you can get. You show up to the NHs, the public hospital, and they'll jab you with, like, an antiallergen that suppresses your immune system.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So many people hate their hay fever so much that even though the NHS took this injection off of the safe injections list, 'cause it weakens your body, it weakens your immune system, they're going to get it privately to escape their awful hay fever.

Maddox: Well, does it help, or not? Why is it…why was it banned?

Dick: Because it weakens your immune system. It makes you vulnerable to other illnesses that…

Maddox: Well, that's curious, because if it weakens our immune system, and supposedly, the symptoms of hay fever are what, like, runny nose, sore throat, fever, that sort of thing, right?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: So how can you tell if it's working if it weakens your immune system and you may be suffering the symptoms of something else that you didn't previously have?

Dick: Oh man, yeah. It would be impossible. But it's…it's the overreaction of your immune system that causes the hay fever…the symptoms of hay fever.

Whitney: Well, if there's a cure, I don't really see why there's a problem.

Dick: The weakening your immune system part? Did you hear that?

Whitney: I mean…just regular-ass life does that. (giggles) Yeah. It's true.

Maddox: Yeah. I have an article here, Dick. It's from the Telegraph. And the title is "Honey: The Sweetest Cure for Hay Fever." (Whitney laughs) Well, well, well. And it says…

Dick: Honey? Really?!

Maddox: It says, "As the pollen count rises, try honey as a natural weapon against hay fever." If you just slowly eat more and more honey and introduce more of these allergens to your body, you'll slowly build a tolerance to it. In small enough amounts.

Dick: Well, I guess me and 30% of the world are too stupid to know that we should be guzzling honey down like it's a sports drink. (Whitney chuckles) Thanks for the tip, Maddox.

(Sound clip, Dick: "You know what? Maybe I am a fucking idiot.")

Dick: Oh, yeah. (Whitney and Maddox crack up) I'm an idiot. I sound like an idiot. You know how hard it is talking to a woman in bed when your voice is all fucked up with hay fever?

Maddox: No.

Dick: You sound like an idiot.

Maddox: Yeah? Well. (sigh) Big problem, I guess, Dick.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. But if she's already in bed, what does it matter?

Whitney: Yeah. If she's already willing to bed you, she probably doesn't care about your stupid cold, or whatever it is.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause I like…I like the whole show.

Maddox: Yeah?

Whitney: What? (confused)

Dick: I like, you know, the whole performance. I like to be in there talking…what, Sean?

Sean: You already got her past the sheets…(Maddox guffaws)

Maddox: The chili sheets! (laughing)

Dick: I don't just wanna slam it in and then that's done.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: Ew!

Dick: Like, I don't want to be so mechanical about it.

Maddox: Well. (laughing)

Dick: I wanna keep the romance going.

Maddox: You know a guy who talks like that is a romantic, so…(they all crack up) Whitney, what's your problem this week?

Whitney: My problem is People Who Are Recently Enlightened.

Maddox: Okay. This is interesting. What do you mean by that?

Whitney: Uh, by that I mean, um…you're a person who has read, I don't know, an Alan Watts book, or got high and watched Cosmos, or maybe took psychedelics.

Maddox: Oh, god.

Whitney: And you had a massive personal breakthrough, which, lemme clarify, is awesome for you, because I feel like self-work is necessary and, you know, if you wanna be a whole person, sure, go crazy and, like, explore yourself and your mind and the universe. Whatever. The problem is when they invade your Facebook posts and your Twitter and your party conversations.

Maddox: Ugh, the worst.

Whitney: As some sort of social media Jehovah's Witness. (Maddox laughs) Being like, "Have you discovered the universe?" and it's a problem, and it's toxic, because first of all, you're doing a disservice to yourself, because if you really had that sort of amazing emotional breakthrough, however it was arrived at, then you're doing a disservice by posting it on the wall and reducing it to some sort of, like, Facebook fuckery platitude. You know what I mean? (laughs)

Maddox: Facebook fuckery platitude.

Whitney: Yes! (laughing)

Maddox: I know exactly what you mean, Whitney.

Whitney: You can't force someone to have that sort of deeply emotional experience. You can't force someone to arrive at that. They have to discover it themselves.

Maddox: Well, what more…isn't there something insincere about it, too?

Whitney: Super insincere, yes.

Maddox: Right? 'Cause they're not…they're just…it's almost like bragging. That's what they wanna do. They wanna brag. It's like people who say they're into sapiosexuals.

Dick: Oh, god.

Whitney: Oh, god.

Maddox: They're not into people…they can't be attracted to intelligence, 'cause you can't fuck an IQ. What they're trying to say is, "Heeeeeey, look at me, I'm so smart, uuuuuuuuh, I'm only attracted to smart people 'cause I'm smart, and I only wanna fuck the smart people!" (dorky voice) But guess what? If somebody's smart, they're probably smarter than you and they don't wanna fuck you, because they're not calling themselves sapiosexuals. They know you're an idiot.

Whitney: (laughing) It's like…acting like a more evolved human.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: And so it goes…it's even more sinister than being like, "I'm smart. I'm intelligent." It's like "Oh, no, I'm on another level. I'm more connected than you. I'm so much more in touch with myself and with nature and the universe." It's like, "Don't fucking come at me with your bullshit, like, leftover drug trip, like, pseudointellectual…

Maddox: (interjects) Yeah. Your drug trip enlightenment. Yeah.

Whitney: Yeah.

Maddox: Or people who just discovered Nietzsche. Oh, my god. The worst.

Whitney: Yeah!

Maddox: The worst people.

Whitney: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, you guys are so much better than everybody else on Facebook. (Maddox laughs)

Whitney: Listen!!

Dick: Oh, yeah…so what should anybody talk about, then?

Whitney: Well, Guardians of the Galaxy. There you go. Titanic.

Maddox: Ugh. Okay, you lost me, Whitney. You're on your own. (Whitney laughs) You're walkin' the plank!

Whitney: Honestly, again! I think it's fine. Like, I…whatever. You did psychedelics. That's really cool. You had, like, a time where you discovered yourself. And that's fine. But that's not something that will be immediately relatable if you try to post about it on Facebook, or like, you read a really rad psychology book or something. It's like…you can't be a warrior for that kind of thing. You can't have people arrive at that, because it's pointless and it makes you sound like a fuuuuucking idiot.

Maddox: Yeah. You know, I'm thinking…I want you guys listening right now, and you guys in this room to think back of somebody smart that you've met in life. And have they ever bragged about how smart they are, or any of the books they've read?

Whitney: No.

Maddox: No. Of course not.

Dick: You do it all the time!

Maddox: Yeah, I know I'm…

Dick: (interjects) You brag about how smart you are all the fucking time! (yells) (Maddox cracks up) And problems like this, where you talk about how stupid and petty everyone else is for posting their little accomplishments on Facebook is another version of you bragging about how smart you are!!!

Maddox: Look. Look, Dick. I'm an authority, okay? I'm a leader. People look up to me. I'm a thought…I'm a thought leader. (Dick scoffs) And that's what people look at me towards.

Whitney: Christ. (scoffs)

Maddox: Yeah. (Whitney laughs) What did you say earlier? Anger is the weathervane of truth?

Dick: That's right.

Maddox: That's what I am, baby. I'm the weathervane. (Dick exhales) Yeah. Anyway, um…

Dick: Whitney, what do you post on Facebook, then?

Whitney: I…

Dick: (interjects) I wanna know what I should be posting and not come across as an asshole.

Whitney: What you post on your own time on your own page is none of my business. But I just think that people who are recently enlightened, who have had that sort of breakthrough recently, they're the worst givers of unsolicited advice. And they're always, like…

Dick: Oh, okay.

Whitney: "Do you know what your mind could be doing?" "Did you know that we are made of dead stars…"

Maddox: Oh, Jesus.

Dick: (guffaws) It's true.

Whitney: And the dinosaurs…

Maddox: I hate that shit!!

Dick: The stars!!

Maddox: It's condescending.

Whitney: And no. Everybody fucking knows! Everybody knows. We all got high and watched Cosmos. It's fine.

Maddox: Yeah. Fuck off. We all know, idiot. (Whitney laughs) You're not enlightening anyone. You're not giving us a lecture at this party!

Whitney: No!

Maddox: Everyone's just trying to eat cold, shitty pizza and drink this shitty beer, and go home alone!

Whitney: Exactly. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Just leave me alone, man. Lemme just sulk in this corner.

Whitney: Yeah.

Maddox: It's the people who are, like, obsessed with science, too. I have this article from uh…

Whitney: (interjects) No, like pop…pop astrology.

Maddox: Yeah. Pop astrology.

Whitney: Like, it just…yeah.

Maddox: Exactly. There's this article on this website. It's called and one of my fans linked this to me. The article is called "Science for the Epic Motherfreaking Win". I just wanted to read the first paragraph. "I fucking love science. Science for the motherfucking epic win. (Whitney groans) Don't know if you've seen the T-shirt I've been sharing on Facebook, but it has a lot of stuff about science and how fucking epically motherbitching sick it is. It's cool to talk about science using swear words. The swear words make the science better." I just wanted to read this part, too.

Whitney: Was this written in earnest? (incredulous)

Maddox: Uh, no. No.

Dick: Sounds like satire.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: Okay, I was like…(trails off, laughing)

Maddox: "You see what Takei posted the other day? Yeah. The funny picture with the big words written all over the picture. Epic much? The man knows his Internet. (Whitney groans) He's practically made of win. His posts are basically just a big order of win with a side of fucking epic bacon and a bunch of fucking Sriracha sauce poured on top. Shit yes! Science!"

Whitney: God. That made me want to punch a baby.

Maddox: Yeah. And you know what's funny? Is the fact that you guys had to ask if that was satire makes it that much more relevant, because we know people like this.

Whitney: Yeah. It's the actual worst. (Dick laughs) I mean…it could be a whole other topic talking about people who talk in Internet slang. That's, like, the actual worst ever. But it's just, again. You can't force someone that sort of very huge personal breakthrough. You can't say, "Here's how to think like that." It's, like, you have to arrive on that on your own and you sound like an idiot. It sounds like parceled-down blather. Like, just babble shit, if you talk about it on Facebook.

Maddox: Babble shit. (giggles)

Whitney: Yeah.

Dick: Why?

Whitney: It's my favorite band.

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: Why can't you walk people into these enlightening personal revelations?

Whitney: 'Cause you can't explain. You know what? I wanna say…

Dick: (interjects) It doesn't work on you. It clearly annoys you. But why…

Whitney: (interjects) I get it. I get, like…I dunno. Reading Carl Sagan, or whatever, makes you really excited and makes you wanna share that excitement with the world. And I totally get it, but that's not the kind of thing that you can just get by having a conversation with someone. You have to…take some time, and like, do internal work, and figure it out.

Maddox: Don't you get that it's condescending, Dick? If I came to you and was trying to teach you something?

Dick: No. I don't think that it's condescending. I think that you read into it that it's condescending. For the most part, I think people are just proud of these stupid relevations that they have. Revelations that they have.

Whitney: There's a…I think there's a middle ground where it comes across at condescending, but the people…you know. Most of the time, they just want to share something cool that they found, which is fine. But they sound like a fucking idiot.

Maddox: It's like a four year old. If a four year old comes up to me going "Guess what? I learned that alligators have 20 teeth." (whiny voice) I'm like, "I know, idiot. I don't give a shit."

Dick: That's great. It's exciting.

Maddox: No. It's exciting for you, 'cause you just learned it, but guess what? I'm an adult. I have life experience. I already read that.

Whitney: And the reason that it's condescending is not that it's, like, general excitement.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Whitney: It's that they know something you don't. (conspiratorial) They know…

Maddox: Smug.

Dick: I mean…

Whitney: Oh, they know.

Dick: You guys…you would really do well by reading a book called Siddhartha.

Maddox: (laughing) Mmkay. (Whitney laughs) Here we go.

Dick: It would really teach you to chill the fuck out.

Maddox: Fuckin' asshole. Yeah.

Dick: About…and not get upset about things you read on Facebook.

Whitney: It's not things that you…it's not like it's incendiary or anything, like, maddening. It's just that…

Maddox: (interjects) Siddhartha talks about that, Dick? How not to get incensed at things you read on Facebook?

Dick: Yeah, man. It's all about not…it's very Buddhist. Very Zen Buddhist. It's all about not engaging with the things in life that upset you.

Maddox: Oooooooh. I feel a Dick Versus Dick coming on!!! (Whitney and Maddox laugh) Tune in next episode, guys!

Dick: What?!? Why, why, what did I say?

Maddox: I'm gonna save it for next episode. That's the exact moment I realized there was a Dick Versus Dick. Anyway…yeah Whitney. Good problem. I like that problem.

Whitney: Hey, thanks.

Dick: Oh, I bet you do. (grins)

Maddox: What?! Why?!

Dick: (yelling) 'Cause you like raging over Facebook.

Maddox: Oh, I like…

Whitney: (interjects) Yo, it's not just Facebook! I have had people come up to me at parties being like, "Hey…I have this…"

Dick: Who was the last one?

Whitney: Who? I'm not gonna…

Dick: No, no saying names, but what did they say? What did they wanna share with you?

Whitney: It all comes off as just babble. That's the thing. It's just like, "Hey, you need to open your soul and free your mind." (Maddox groans) Like, it doesn't make any sense.

Maddox: Fucking pricks.

Whitney: And that's the thing. It's like, it makes sense to you, 'cause you did drugs. Or 'cause you, like, read some astrophysics that, like, is popular on Reddit or something.

Dick: Yeah.

Whitney: And it doesn't make sense just talking about it fluidly.

Maddox: Or…or, you know, people who talk about, I dunno, like, metaphysics or new age type stuff. It's essentially, they're proselytizing their beliefs. Their religion to you. If a Christian did that, everyone would tell them to shut the fuck up and go home. If a Jew did that, same thing. Muslims, you bet your ass. But we're supposed to just sit around and tolerate this New Age bullshit because they watched an episode of Cosmo.

Whitney: Yes.

Maddox: Or is it Cosmos?

Dick: Cosmos.

Whitney: Cosmos. It's a good show, I mean, like, it's fine.

Maddox: Yeah. Whatever. Yeah, sure. It's pop science, you know. If you guys actually want to learn science, you have to pick up a book. You can't just look at pretty pictures on Facebook and on TV.

Whitney: Ugh. (groans)

Maddox: Are you disputing that?

Dick: Me?

Maddox: Dick, you gave me an eyebrow. I don't know what that means.

Dick: No. I just don't know why you're so upset. Like, it annoys me when people who've just done drugs come up to me and tell me how it opened their mind.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But I don't think it's as bad as 30% of the world having cold and flu-like symptoms for seven days at a time. (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: Because they're…

Dick: (interjects) And costing America 700 million in job losses.

Whitney: I feel like maybe they're just a weaker species.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: Like, maybe they're gonna peter out.

Maddox: That's Darwinism.

Whitney: Yeah.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Oh, shit. Alright. (trails off)

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: And also, hopefully the people who are enlightened. (laughs)

Maddox: Maybe they all need to be cleansed. (Whitney guffaws) Alright, anything else, Whitney? Should we get to the real biggest problem of the week?

Whitney: I'm good.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright. Bathroom Attendants!! Huh?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. There's a real problem. There you go. Thank you, Maddox. That's great.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Oh, and a "ding" as well. Thank you.

Whitney: But they're there to help you.

Maddox: Oh, help me. They're there to help themselves, my friend. (Whitney guffaws)

Dick: Sounds like you ripped off my Rose Peddling problem.

Maddox: Rose Peddling problem, huh?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No, 'cause we talked a little bit about it. About bathroom attendants. But, no. It's different, Dick.

Dick: Okay, how?

Maddox: Because rose peddlers come to you.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Whereas you can't avoid the bathroom attendant if you go into the bathroom.

Dick: How are you gonna avoid rose peddlers? Pick up your table and walk around the restaurant so they can't track you down, like Pac-Man? (Sean cracks up)

Maddox: Dick, how about you just turn to them and say…turn to them and say no! You big fuckin' pussy!

Dick: Why don't you just turn to these guys and say no?!!?

Maddox: I'll tell you why!

Dick: You don't even have to look them in the eyes. You can just walk out.

Maddox: No, I'll tell you why. Because a lot of times, what they do is…Whitney was telling me before the show that she's not familiar with a lot of bathroom attendants in female restrooms.

Whitney: I have never been in a ladies' restroom that has a female attendant.

Dick: Oh, really? (surprised)

Maddox: Oh, it happens a lot.

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. It happens a lot. I've seen it. I've seen it in a few strip clubs and high-end restaurants. But, uh…and I don't know why.

Dick: In the ladies' room?

Maddox: Yeah. In the ladies' room, I've seen 'em.

Whitney: Why are you going in the ladies' room?

Maddox: 'Cause the door's open and I look in there, 'cause I'm curious. I'm a curious man. (Whitney giggles)

Dick: And there's a woman attendant in the women's room?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: At a strip…was this a male strip club?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, men were stripping?

Maddox: Men were,, no. Females were stripping.

Dick: But there was a woman attendant in the women's room.

Maddox: There was a woman attendant. Yes.

Whitney: I saw…there was one time I went to a concert and there was a woman in there who was clearly not hired by the hotel…

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: But she was there, like, selling hair ties and, like hairspray and perfume.

Maddox: Yuuup.

Whitney: Is that what it is?

Maddox: That's what it is. That's…that's the bathroom attendant. And they're not there to help you. They're there to get tips and harass you. And here's what pisses me off…

Whitney: (interjects) I thought a bathroom attendant, like, handed you warm towels.

Maddox: Yeah. That's what they're supposed to do. In a really nice, high-end hotel and you don't tip them. Well, they expect tips…here's the problem, okay? Lemme get to the problem of this, alright?

Dick: Alright, alright.

Maddox: So, look. You walk into the bathroom, and what they'll do a lot of times, is they'll take all the paper towels out of the dispenser and then hoard them behind the counter so then the only way TO them is through them, right?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, that's true.

Maddox: So, let's say, Whitney. Let's live in this magical fantasy world you've created for this. (Dick cracks up) Where these altruistic bathroom attendants are there just to help you! "Oh, here's some towels!" Okay?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: So here's what happens. They hand you a paper towel. They hand you a mint, maybe. Maybe a toothpick. They help you out. "Hey, here you go, buddy." Then what are you supposed to do? Reach into your diseased, bacteria-filled pocket to pull out a diseased, bacteria-filled bill, and hand it to them. So this…your clean hands that you've just washed have touched dollar bills that have been floating around with people who may have allergies, who may have the flu, who may fucking have measles, 'cause of fucking anti-vaxxers! Go vote it up, people! It's the biggest problem in the universe! (Whitney scoffs) But you touch these bills right after you've washed your hands, 'cause you have to tip this jerkoff. That's the problem.

Whitney: I mean, technically, we all have the same bacteria that the dinosaurs had. (Maddox sighs)

Dick: No, but bills are gross, though.

Maddox: Nooooo.

Whitney: Haven't you tried enlightening yourself? (giggles)

Dick: You got a good point about the bills being gross.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: I have never had an experience of this before in my life.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: I didn't know it was a thing.

Maddox: You need to go to…

Dick: You should go to a strip club.

Maddox: Yeah, you need to go to classier joints, Whitney.

Whitney: I need to go that one specific strip club. (giggles)

Maddox: Whitney, I have a picture here from the Internet. This is actually a women's bathroom with a female attendant. Here are the things you can buy in here. (Dick chuckles) These are all things that they can just sell you in little portions that they mete out at you for a few dimes and nickels. Hairspray. Lotion. Hair brushes. Mouthwash. Nail polish. Bobby pins. Mints. Flip-flops. Toothpaste. Band-Aids. And Dum-Dums.

Whitney: Why is that a problem, though? Honestly, I feel like that's lucrative businessmanship. (Maddox groans) 'Cause if I were to go into a club, super drunk, and be like, "I gotta pee. Oh shit, this girl has got lip gloss! I'm gonna buy some."

Maddox: Oh, great.

Whitney: Like, why would I not?

Dick: Oh! Speaking of…being super drunk. Man, there was a bathroom attendant at the Spearmint Rhino in Vegas that would sell you whiskey out of the bathroom.

Whitney: What?! That's fucking awesome!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Well, that's cool. I've never seen that before.

Whitney: Why is this a problem?

Maddox: But he's probably doing that…look, who knows what he put in that whiskey?

Whitney: There was somebody in the bathroom…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean? (cackles) Just, like, for lulz? Why…what would he spike whiskey with?

Maddox: Water. He may have watered it down. There was a guy in Vegas recently who got caught. He was trying to sell his moonshine.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: His moonshine whiskey on the streets. Guess what it was filled with when people bought it?

Dick: Rubbing alcohol?

Maddox: His own piss and shit. (Whitney laughs) He just put it in there to color it, and people smelled it, they're like…they almost vomited. The guy got arrested because…

Whitney: why would you buy brown, stinky moonshine? Moonshine's supposed to be just clear. No color.

Maddox: Well, he told them it was whiskey, that's why.

Whitney: Ohhh.

Dick: Well, I didn't buy mine…it didn't come in a plastic bag, okay? It came in a real bottle that was sealed.

Maddox: Hey, where'd you get that whiskey? I dunno, some guy in the bathroom.

Whitney: Yo, I feel like…

Maddox: (scoffs) Great.

Whitney: …it would probably still be cheaper than the alcohol they sell at clubs, so…

Maddox: Probably, Whitney.

Dick: Yeah.

Whitney: I'd be happy about it.

Maddox: But you're also buying it in a place where people go to defecate! Okay? I don't want my liqueurs to sit in a place where people shit gallons of diarrhea all day long!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I just don't wanna eat or drink anything in there!

Whitney: Ew. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: I'm sorry. Even when I go to the bathroom, I don't flush the toilet until I've covered my cup, if I'm holding it, because there's particles of piss and shit that land on everything!

Dick: Man, there's particles of shit everywhere. You gotta get with it. This is real life.

Whitney: Yeah. They're made of star stuff.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I feel like there's particles of shit in this room right now. (Whitney laughs)

Dick: There is!

Maddox: You two.

Dick: It's all over your toothbrush. It's all over what you're drinking and eating. It's everywhere.

Maddox: I cover the lid now when I…so I read this article about that.

Dick: (interjects) It's all over the kitchen! It's EVERYWHERE!! Particles of shit are everywhere!!

Maddox: Great, Dick. That doesn't mean I have to fucking sit in the stew of it. I try to minimize my exposure to shit particles. Is that so bad?!

Dick: You can't. It's pointless.

Whitney: So, which part specifically are you mad about? The fact that they sell things, or the fact that they're not hired by the establishment, or what?

Maddox: You know, Whitney, if it was a convenience thing, that's fine. But how many times have you been going to, say, a bar or a club. I know the answer to this already. It's zero. (Whitney laughs) How many times are you going to a bar or club and you're thinking "Oh, shit, I need some mints or something for this hot date I'm on. You know what? I'll just wait 'til I get there, because there'll be a bathroom attendant." No. Nobody ever thinks that. You especially, 'cause you've never seen them in there.

Whitney: I dunno. The concept of mints is pretty abstract to me in general. (Dick laugh) I don't know why. (giggles)

Dick: Wait, what?

Maddox: You have monster breath? What's going on?

Whitney: I don't know. No, I just don't know why mints and Mentos are still a thing.

Maddox: For, like, making out.

Dick: For freshening your breath.

Maddox: 'Cause you're a hot chick and you don't have to worry about it. But guys have to, like, fucking have fresh breath and they have to shave and take care of themselves. Women just show up, here we go.

Dick: Change your clothes.

Maddox: Yeah. Change your clothes. Change your sheets. Well, you wouldn't know about that, Dick. (Whitney laughs)

Dick: So, these guys…they're inconveniencing you? How often do you run into bathroom attendants?

Maddox: All the fucking time.

Dick: Where?

Maddox: Like, a lot of restaurants I go to. Not even high-end…low end.

Dick: Gimme a…c'mon. Gimme a ballpark. How many bathroom attendants do you…don't speed through it. How many bathroom attendants do you run into every week, Maddox?

Maddox: Every week?

Dick: Yeah, every week. Such a big problem. Every week.

Maddox: On average, I would say three per month. So, what's that, about 0.7 per week? 0.6?

Dick: 0.7, you got 70% of a guy in the bathroom…

Whitney: What are you, doing math over there.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where? Where, where?

Maddox: Uh, bars, and restaurants, and clubs.

Dick: BARS?!?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Bars, absolutely, yeah.

Dick: And clubs.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Mmmalright. (skeptical)

Maddox: There's a bunch of bars in Hollywood that do that. Are you kidding me?

Whitney: So is the problem that you feel accosted by these people? Is it like a race thing?

Maddox: Ye…what do you mean, it's a race thing? (Whitney laughs)

Dick: That's a good question.

Maddox: No. No, it's not a race thing.

Whitney: I dunno. Could be.

Maddox: Whitney. They are shielding. They're blocking access to the paper towels and to the water, and to anything else that I fucking need.

Dick: Yeah, but they give them to you.

Maddox: Yeah, for a tip.

Dick: You don't HAVE to tip them.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, it's implied! Oh, Dick! You don't know the social contract, buddy! What are you, a robot? An alien?

Dick: No, I give 'em 5 bucks at the beginning of the night and then I don't tip for the rest of the night, 'cause I don't wanna deal with it.

Maddox: Oh. Oh, you tip 'em before? So it costs you 5 dollars. What are they, fucking valet? What service are they providing you? They're handing you a towel from behind the counter that I can just reach and grab myself. And they don't know how many towels I want! (angry, ranting) And by the way, if I have to ask them for another towel, "Give me another one." "Give me another one." Maybe I wanna blow my nose! Maybe it's none of your fucking business! And also, stop staring at me while I pee!

Dick: I've never had a bad experience with a bathroom attendant.

Maddox: Oh, you ass.

Dick: I've never had!

Maddox: Why? Why?

Dick: You just…you just take the towels. If you wanna be a cheap fuck, then don't tip 'em. Not a big deal.

Maddox: Yeah, except next time…

Dick: It's all night. They get cheap guys in there all night.

Maddox: And you know what happens, Dick? I've been to a really busy bathroom. In fact, I was there with you. We went to this Festival Supreme thing downtown, the Jack Black concert whatever.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: That bathroom had a bathroom attendant. And it had this constant stream of people going in and out, in and out, the entire time. If there's a wait, you might have to wait and sit there because some dickhead is hoarding all the towels to hand them to you. And if you didn't tip him, guess what? He might just hand you one towel, or no towels at all!

Dick: You know what? You're making a great point FOR bathroom attendants, because that festival would have been disgusting without a bathroom attendant.

Maddox: He wasn't doing anything except making tip money.

Dick: He was making sure that towels existed for you. Instead of people…drunk people throwing them all over the bathroom.

Maddox: Dick…

Whitney: This argument is having the opposite effect on me. Like, I wish there were more bathroom attendants around, just so I could, like, you know those…the people who stand outside concert halls and they have the Danger Dogs, the LA hotdogs that have, like…

Dick: Dirty Dogs!

Maddox: Dirty Dogs. For people who aren't familiar, explain those.

Whitney: Uh, they are the people who have carts outside concert halls and places where you get drunk, they sell hot dogs that have grilled onions on them. And they smell delicious when you're drunk.

Maddox: Bacon wrapped. Yeah.

Whitney: Yeah. Bacon wrapped.

Dick: They are delicious.

Whitney: They're probably horrible for you, but we talked about it. Hot dogs are fine. Whatever. I wish those guys would go into the bathrooms. I wish that you could buy hot dogs.

Dick: Yeah. That's a good point.

Whitney: And anytime I have…(Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You want to eat food in a place where people shit, Whitney?

Dick: Why not!? Shit is everywhere!

Whitney: Yeah. It's everywhere.

Dick: It's everywhere.

Maddox: Dick, it doesn't mean you have to expose yourself to the maximum amount of shit. Oh, hey, you know what? What if doctors used your dipshit logic? You know what, shit's everywhere! Let's have this open-heart surgery in the bathroom! Fuck it.

Dick: (guffaws) Alright. (Whitney giggles) Flawless logic.

Maddox: That's your argument. Shit's everywhere! Might as well! Fuck it! You know what? We can't avoid it, so let's just eat in the bathroom, let's fucking eat and sleep in the bathroom, drink in the bathroom. Fuck it.

Dick: (scoffs) It's not in a sterile operating theatre. (Whitney cracks up)

Maddox: You said shit's everywhere!

Dick: It's not all over their latex gloves.

Maddox: Oh, wait a sec…so you're saying shit's not everywhere, then, huh?

Dick: I guess not, Maddox. No. It's not in the molten core of the Earth or the middle of the run, either. (Whitney laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What do you want me to say?

Maddox: Great, then I'll eat a hot dog there.

Dick: It's in the bathroom. It's outside. It's in your kitchen.

Maddox: It's not in my kitchen.

Dick: It's in your bedroom.

Maddox: My kitchen's clean, buddy.

Dick: Oh, throw a Petri dish out there, then. 'Cause you got E. Coli. Everyone has it everywhere.

Maddox: I don't have E. Coli.

Whitney: I honestly just admire the business mind of these people.

Maddox: No. Whitney.

Whitney: I don't feel like…I've never been…maybe I don't know, I don't have a place to have this opinion, 'cause I've never been personally accosted by a bathroom attendant.

Dick: They don't accost you. They don't.

Maddox: They do.

Dick: How do they accost you?

Maddox: Well…they kinda…they corner you. I've had them stand in front of the door handing me paper towel before, 'cause here's my new strategy. Now, when I go into the bathroom with these fucking dipshits? These assholes?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What I do is I just go pee and then I just don't wash my hands, 'cause, you know, fuck it! I don't wanna deal with this prick.

Whitney: Gross.

Maddox: Yeah, exactly. It's gross. And that's what a lot of guys do. 'Cause I notice it, too, when I go to the…and I just look at them, I'm like, "No, fuck you. I don't need your fucking pity towel. I don't need your shit." And what they'll do sometimes…

Whitney: Pity towel?!

Maddox: Oh yeah. They'll stand in front of the door…

Dick: Pity towel?!

Whitney: They feel bad for you?

Maddox: Yeah, 'cause they're like, "Oh, well, this guy, we see piss all over his hands. Let's hand him a towel." Right? (Whitney and Dick crack up) And then they stand in front of the door and they won't let me leave until I've taken the fucking towel.

Dick: What you're saying is an insane fabrication. (laughing) They have never barred you from leaving the bathroom!!

Maddox: They stand out in front of the door in the same way that the really aggressive valet usher will stand and try to get you into the parking garage when you're driving down the street and you wanna just clip him. You just fantasize about it all fuckin' night about how SWEET it would be just to clip that fucking asshole! That's exactly what they do in bathrooms!

Whitney: If they really are trying to get you to take a towel because your hands are covered in piss…(Maddox laughs) Then it seems like they're the good guys here.

Dick: They're doing you a favor. (Whitney giggles)

Maddox: Yeah. Great.

Dick: Maybe a couple of bucks their way isn't a big deal in that instance.

Maddox: Why don't you guys go make out with some bathroom attendants? Watch the Titanic together. Why don't you guys all get in one big, stupid, sloppy bed with your shit particles, and just sit there watching the shitty movie. I'm gon…you know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna eat a Danger Dog on the street instead of a bathroom.

Dick: Well, I admit that they're…annoying.

Whitney: Sounds like fun.

Dick: Like, I don't like seeing them in there, because I do feel kinda guilty and I don't wanna tip them.

Maddox: Oh. That's my point.

Whitney: You know what would be way, way worse, though? If a bathroom attendant handed you a towel, and then was like, "Hey, when was the last time you really searched yourself?" (Maddox groans) "When was the last time you really opened your mind?!" (giggles)

Maddox: Whitney!!!!

Dick: They will talk to you, though. That's a good point.

Maddox: Agenda!! (Whitney laughs) She's trying to wedge in her problem into my problem!

Whitney: It's true.

Maddox: She did that on the live show!

Whitney: It would be so much worse, though!

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: They'd be like, "Hey, listen. Did you know that we're made of star stuff?" And you're like, "Back off."

Maddox: You know what…actually, Whitney, you know what? That's a good point. It would be worse. And sometimes they do wanna talk to you. Guess what, man? I go to bathrooms for solitude. I go there for peace and quiet. I like to just reflect and think about all the bad things I've done when I go to bathrooms. And if this guy's talking to me, I don't have those few precious moments to myself.

Whitney: What do they talk to you about?

Maddox: Oh, "Hey, how's it going man?" "What's your name?"

Dick: Just, like, normal things that people talk to each other about.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Pretty much normal conversation.

Whitney: Not like your podcast?

Maddox: Yeah, "You here on a hot date, bro?" I'm like, "Yeah, maybe. Maybe not. Maybe I'm alone. " Like, fuck off! (Dick laughs)

Dick: Okay. (guffaws)

Maddox: It's none of your business!

Dick: Why are you so…I think you should just live in the bathroom permanently. (Whitney laughs) Like, your whole house should be a bathroom.

Maddox: I would love that.

Dick: Your car should be a bathroom.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So you could only be in the bathroom at all times.

Maddox: I'd need a kitchen.

Whitney: Wait. So, let's think about this. Um, they're making conversations with you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Whitney: It's their job, as far as we know, but they're not hired by the place. Maybe, I don't know, it's just like any other job where you're trying to make conversation with someone, and like, not hate your life? That sounds reasonable to me.

Maddox: You know…you know, Whitney? There's another type of thing that does this in nature. It just kind of finds a place that's hospitable for their lifestyle and it just camps out there…(Whitney laughs)

Dick: Lifestyle?

Maddox: And starts multiplying, and it starts just using up resources, and taking, and taking, and taking. They're called parasites.

Whitney: So you're likening…

Dick: (interjects) That's not what a parasite is…

Whitney: You're likening…

Maddox: (interjects) That's what a parasite is! It just sits in your gut and just takes up resources! That's what it does!

Dick: No it's not!

Maddox: No one invited it! It just showed up one day!

Whitney: Who…what resources are they taking?

Dick: That was the stupidest definition of a parasite I've ever heard.

Maddox: You're the stupidest…a parasite just sits in your gut using up resources! (angry)

Whitney: You're…you're likening a person trying to make polite conversation to you on their work shift as a parasite?

Maddox: They're parasites.

Whitney: Are you the precious resource?

Maddox: I am the pr…my…mindscape is precious, Whitney! (Whitney laughs)

Dick: Yeah, you gotta get back to your not date at the club you're at, right? (Whitney laughs)

Maddox: You know what, Dick? Maybe I'm there on an important meeting. (Dick guffaws) Maybe I'm drinking my cold Fireball whiskey and I don't want shit particles in it and I wanna wash my hands!

Dick: Just sack up and don't tip him!

Sean: I valeted my bike. (Dick and Whitney crack up)

Maddox: Shut up, Sean! It's a good move to ride a bike to a bar, 'cause then you don't have to pay for a cab, you don't have to pay for Lyft or an Uber, or anything! And that solves your problem, Dick. Chatty Uber Drivers. There you go. Vote down Chatty Uber Drivers. Ride a bike. Vote up Anti-Cyclists and Anti-Vaxxers and Bathroom Attendants.

Dick: And monkeys.

Maddox: And MONKEYS!!!

(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: " I never heard such a dumb thing!")

Maddox: Woops. (laughing) I meant to play this.

(Sound clip: Monkeys hooting)

Dick: You're slipping on that board today.

Maddox: Yeah, it's all over the place.

Dick: Whitney, you ever had a chatty Uber driver?

Whitney: I…I don't take Uber, 'cause it's expensive and stupid, but I take Lyft, and I fucking love when they're chatty. I love it.

Maddox: Oh, great.

Whitney: I love hearing people's stories. I love whatever candy they have for me. They have, like, sometimes fun music.

Maddox: Ugh.

Whitney: I like it.

Maddox: Great.

Whitney: They're trying to jazz up their work life.

Dick: Have you been to the doctor recently?

Whitney: You know what?

Dick: You might need to get checked out.

Whitney: I like people. I like talking to people, unless they're trying to force some sort of agenda on me. I am happy to talking to 'em. Sometimes, Lyft drivers have…I actually gave a Lyft driver a job once.

Maddox: Hmmm.

Dick: What was the job?

Whitney: It was a writing gig. 'Cause he wrote comics. And so I introduced him to a buddy. And now he, like, writes comic books. You meet some interesting people. Some people do Lyft just so that they can meet other people.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Whitney: I think it's rad.

Maddox: Alright.

Whitney: I'm not hating on it.

Maddox: Alright. Vote down Chatty Uber Drivers. (Whitney laughs)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah. Anyway.

Dick: My problem is Hay Fever. It's way worse than this stupid problem.

Maddox: Great, Dick. (sighs) What's your problem, Whitney?

Whitney: My problem is Recently Enlightened People.

Maddox: Recently enlightened people. And my problem, the biggest problem in the universe. Bathroom Attendants. Anyway, that's our episode. We got more live episodes coming. (Dick laughs) Much to your chagrin. I don't give a shit if you guys watch it or don't. (Whitney laughs) Fuck off! Unsubscribe. Don't listen to this podcast. Delete it, you morons!!

(Closing riff starts)

Dick: Thanks for listening. (Maddox cracks up) Somebody emailed me. "The live show is bad and you should feel bad." It's like, well, buckle up, 'cause you got three more episodes.

(Riff trails off)

Sean: That's a Futurama quote.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Whitney: Yeah, cool job quoting Zoidberg instead of actually having something to say.

Maddox: Unoriginal fuck.

Dick: I got some…oh yeah! It was a reference! The whole point of your problem was everything's a reference.

Maddox: Nerd Culture.

Dick: Guy couldn't come up with anything new.

Whitney: Oh, my god! You're right!

Dick: Right?! I got a voice mail.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey guys! It's Asterios! I talk like a huge fucking asshole! (Maddox and Whitney crack up) It's not a joke, I'm just stating a fact! But my voice makes it SOOOOOO hilarious. (They all crack up) ")

Maddox: Wow. What a fucking…what a consummate hater that guy was!

Dick: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)

Whitney: Wait. Do you guys know that guy?

Maddox: That wasn't Asterios.

Dick: No. That wasn't Asterios. (Sean laughs)

Whitney: Oh, okay. (giggles)

Maddox: No. And by the way, he tried SO hard to sound like Asterios and missed it by a mile!

Dick: Really?!

Maddox: That guy…he didn't sound like Asterios.

Dick: Oh, I thought he sounded kinda like him.

Maddox: What if that was Asterios? (laughs)

Dick: It could have been. Asterios is pretty funny.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey guys, this is Bolo Midas (???) from the (???) Texas. I just wanna point something out to Maddox. You guys keep talking about, I mean, you know, you keep talking about how your dad is a badass because he's fallen off or possibly jumped off of three rooves… (Maddox: Yeah. Here we go.) Survived cancer, heart attacks, and strokes. (Dick guffaws) (Maddox: Sounds pretty awesome) Survived not getting any blowjibbers for who knows how long…(Whitney: Blowjibbers?!) I don't think all that necessarily makes him a badass, though. I think your dad is truly in love with your mother and that the power of love has prevailed, baby! (Dick cracks up) (Maddox: Oh, you fucking…. Whitney: Awww.) Overcome all of these obstacles and made him the man that he is today. (Dick: Yeah. Whitney: That's very nice.) Hey, Sean, if you're ever in Texas, I got what you're smoking (???), man."

Dick: Alllllright. (Maddox laughs) Alright.

Maddox: Uh, by the way, that was a funny voice mail. Totally full of shit. Uh, Sean…poor Sean got beat up so bad in the comments on the lead-up to the live show. Everybody was saying comments like, "Hey, did Sean delete this episode?" And then even after it came out, people are commenting, because they thought it was too short. They said, "Hey, did Sean delete 90% of this?" (Dick laughs)

Sean: Oh, my god. You know what's funny about it. I think I was telling Dick before the show. I have done that exactly one time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: And the most people possible found out about it.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: Well.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Build a thousand bridges, but delete one podcast.

Maddox: Yeeeeep. (Whitney giggles)

Dick: They'll call you a podcast deleter.

Maddox: You're like the Brian Williams of the Biggest Problem in The Universe. You can only fuck up once!!

Sean: Well, I think he fucked up more than once, but…

Maddox: Well.

Dick: Yeah, you know, that reminds me…on my way here, I got into a fatal car crash. (Dick and Whitney crack up) Oh no, I'm sorry, I just drove by a fatal car crash. You get those confused all the time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: One more. I got one more.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Thanks Maddox, and what's your name, the other guy. Dick Masterson. (Maddox laughs) Thanks for showing black people problems in Black History Month. Just heard your podcast about that. So, yeah. Just wanted to say thanks. This is black man number 3 of 5… (Maddox and Dick crack up) Just wanted to say thank you for all that…not believing that Sean. 'Cause I know Sean was against shit. He was like "Oh no, I don't believe that black people are representative at all." (Dick and Maddox laugh) Well Sean, yeah. (Dick: Is that true? Did he say that?) I'm sorry that we're trying to come up in the world, alright? I'm sorry that we're all not ghetto like the rest of 'em. (Dick dying of laughter) Like you want us to be, Sean! (Maddox laughs) Hey than…") (cuts off)