Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 37
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey, what's up, buddy? How's it going? (grins)
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. And with us today, we have a very special guest, Nathan Buckley. Welcome, Nathan. Thanks for joining us.
Nathan: Yeah. What's up, guys?
Maddox: Now, Nathan, uh…you guys probably don't know, but he was one of the writers for our live show that's coming up. And we finally have a release date. It's February 5th, Thursday.
Dick: Thursday, February 5th.
Maddox: That's right.
Dick: So, whatever you're doing at work, block it out. 'Cause you're gonna be sitting…(Nathan chuckles) at the computer, rewatching our live episode all day on Thursday.
Maddox: Don't go to work.
Dick: Well…get…make money. Get paid to watch our show. Go to work. You know, spread it around the office. That's what I'm saying.
Maddox: Yeah. Make this thing the next Ebola. Except Ebola's just about dead now, did you guys see that shit in the news?
Dick: No.
Maddox: Just about dead. Anyway. It pisses me off. Except it's wiping out the monkeys. We'll get to that. Anyway, uh…Nathan…(Nathan laughs) I want to mention…so, Nathan's a really funny comedy writer, and when Dick was proposing some writers for our live show, he mentioned Nathan, and I didn't really know him that well, so I checked out his Twitter account. It's @duplicitron. We'll link to it on our website. But it was so funny. There was, like, probably a half-dozen ghost jokes.
Nathan: Yeah. A lot of ghost.
Maddox: Yeah. Which…(laughs) which I personally love. Um, really funny writer and comedian. He has a show at the Upright Citizen's Brigade on February 11 th called "Revolver", and that's like a sketch show, and you have some stuff on Funny or Die. You're a pretty prolific writer.
Nathan: Yeah. (chuckles)
Dick: What's it like, being a Twitter celebrity, Buckley?
Nathan: (inhales) You know, it's a lot of work. Uh, there are women. You wouldn't think there would be, but…a lot of girls.
Dick: Really?
Nathan: Yeah. You have to go to Tweet Ups.
Dick: You do that?
Nathan: Yeah. I go to Tweet Ups. I have fans and they come and uh…you know. They're not always that great to look at, but they're there.
Dick: Well.
Nathan: Makes me feel okay.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh.
Dick: Who won last week?
Maddox: Nobody won, Dick! You keep tripping me up! Nobody wins on this show. It's not a contest. The biggest problem from last week was "Loud Muffler Douchebags".
Dick: Mmm.
Maddox: Followed by "Non-Porn Porn", then "Jury Duty", and then dead last, "Changing Your Sheets", which was in the negative votes, which means it's not a problem, Dick.
Dick: Yeah, that's weird. 'Cause I…I got multiple emails last week from people who…they took a picture of their sheets at home, where they'd written "Top" and an arrow pointing to the top.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: To help me with my problem?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, on the underside of the sheet. Um, I don't get why it got such a negative…like, everyone agrees that that's a real problem.
Maddox: No.
Dick: Buckley, what do you think?
Nathan: Um, yeah. I don't change my sheets, because I can't fucking figure it out most of the time.
Maddox: Great.
Nathan: You know…just like Dick said, you switch it, you switch it…and you think, I mean, after one time, you have to get it right, but you just keep going and it doesn't work.
Dick: No.
Nathan: Like, there have been times when I feel like five or six months have gone by. Same sheet.
Maddox: Oh, man. (laughs)
Dick: Honest.
Maddox: So you have…you have the same problem that Dick has, chili, and crap in your sheets.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: It's disgusting.
Dick: No! We're not eating chili in bed! What are you talkin' about?! (yells) (Nathan laughs)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I don't eat in bed! I get up and eat at the coffee table, like a single man.
Maddox: Dick, you don't even take your shoes off when you go to bed. What are you talkin' about? I've been to your place. Food everywhere.
Dick: Alright, alright.
Nathan: Is this why you change your sheets, 'cause you eat chili in bed?
Maddox: No, I don't eat chili in bed. (laughing)
Dick: It's a giant napkin to him. (Nathan laughs) He just sits in bed wiping his chili all over it.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. There's only one thing I do in my bed, and it's not sleep. Anyway…
Dick: Jerk off? What…(Maddox and Nathan laugh)
Maddox: I got a comment, Dick, based on your problem, the "Changing Your Sheets" problem.
Dick: Yeah. It's a big problem.
Maddox: This one's from Mark Prosia. He's suggesting future Dick problems. I'm gonna read a few of these. "Washing the Dishes". "Putting Away Dishes".
Dick: Mm.
Maddox: "Washing Your Clothes". "Drying Your Clothes". "Folding Your Clothes".
Dick: Folding your clothes is a big problem.
Nathan: Fuuuuck that.
Maddox: (laughs) Oookay, Dick.
Dick: That's a big problem, man. I just leave, like stacks of clean clothes around my apartment…
Nathan: Mhmm.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And I just pull out of the stack.
Maddox: Mhmm.
Nathan: You put it on a chair.
Maddox: "Vacuuming".
Dick: Yeah. I got a clothes chair.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: "Sweeping", "Mopping", "Scrubbing", "Shoveling Snow". "Using a Lawnmower", and "Making Dinner", any of those coming up, Dick? Well I know washing your clothes is.
Dick: Folding your clothes.
Maddox: Oh, folding your clothes.
Dick: Yeah, not washing em. Washing 'em's easy. You just put the money in, press the button.
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)
Dick: I got a problem…er, I got a comment from Carlos Vega. "I haven't changed my sheets in eight years."
Maddox: Gross.
Dick: "And I've had probably more than a dozen women on my bed during that time." (Nathan laughing)
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: At least he's honest.
Maddox: No…he's not honest! There's no way he's had a dozen women on his bed.
Dick: In eight years?!
Maddox: In eight years?!
Nathan: Yeah, it's achievable.
Dick: You could get a dozen women in eight years.
Maddox: Not if you never change your sheets in eight years.
Dick: No, 'cause that's thing. If they're already coming to bed, they're not gonna bail. Like, women don't have a built-in black light that they know your sheets are dirty.
Maddox: (laughing) They smell, Dick! They have noses. What, is he just finding a whole bunch of chicks with no nostrils?
Dick: They're…they're drunk, Maddox! That's…this is an erotic story from a real man! These broads are drunk. It's 2:30. They're not going anywhere. They're going to his eight-year-old sheets.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, man. I think he probably banged them on the couch. That's a lie. No chick's gonna sleep on eight-year-old sheets, man.
Dick: Well, you haven't changed the couch cushion and it's been probably eight years, so what's the difference?
Nathan: Hmmmmmm.
Dick: Hmmmmm.
Maddox: I have a leather couch, so it doesn't matter. (laughs) Get outta here.
Dick: That's…pleather. Not leather.
Maddox: No, it's real leather.
Nathan: Wow.
Dick: Ookay.
Maddox: It's 100% genuine leather.
Dick: You know, let's get a DNA test. (grinning)
Maddox: Mhmm.
Dick: Uh, @therealrickjames on Twitter says, "Dick Masterson couldn't be more right. Putting a fitting sheet on right the first try is impossible." That's true.
Maddox: Great. Hey, um, I have a clip that someone sent in, Dick, because your Metal Gear Solid knowledge is so weak. Um, Buckley, are you a fan of Metal Gear Solid? Did you ever play the games? Do you know anything about it?
Nathan: I only played the first Metal Gear. The one on NES.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: That's as far as I got.
Maddox: Okay. It's something. Your foot's in the door. So this guy sent this in, Dick. Uh, you probably won't get half these references, but it's uh…pretty well done.
(Metal Gear Solid communicator sound effect beeping..MGS music in the background (Dick: I recognize that. Nathan: Mhmm. Maddox: Yeah.) "Maddox. This is Snake. The guy Dick doesn't know about. 'Cause he's a pusssssssy." (Maddox laughs Dick: Pussy, I don't know about video games?) "…told me that you two are looking for the biggest problem in the universe. Mmmm. I think I found what you're looking for. A terrorist group using the name of Foxhound are building a portable nuclear… (Dick: What the fuck is this?) weapon called "Metal Geeear." (Maddox: Yeah)There's one last problem. Dick is a member of Foxhound. (Maddox: (laughing) Yeah! Busted, Dick.) More MGS music, death music.)
Dick: Is there more?
Maddox: That's it. That's the clip.
Dick: What is…what am I supposed to take away from that? What was it?
Maddox: I dunno man, it's just a fun clip that has a bunch of…(Dick guffaws) Everyone who's played the game…
Dick: (interjects) What's the reference?!
Maddox: Metal Gear Solid. You're part of the conspiracy of the biggest problem in the universe. And the biggest problem being the Metal Gear.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I dunno what any of those things are.
Maddox: Great. Well, this is gonna be fun. (Dick cracks up) Way to shit all over this awesomely produced clip.
Dick: I just don't understand it!! (yells)
Maddox: I know.
Dick: I'm asking for an explanation!!
Maddox: Ugggh. (sighs)
Nathan: Wasn't that the game where you had to get a cardboard box to get past the computer?
Maddox: Yeeeeah.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: Which, by the way. One of the guys who hid from that Charlie Hebdo terrorist attack hid in a cardboard box, kinda like Snake did in Metal Gear. (Nathan cracks up)
Dick: Satire right 'til the end.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Satire right into the grave! (Nathan laughs) Uh, Tim Johns says, "Why in the hell would Maddox ever use Google to navigate porn videos and not an actual porn website that specializes in finding porn videos through its own database." Yeah, I wondered that, too.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, you know, if you wondered it, you could go back and listen to the last episode, when I explained why. Uh…
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Exactly after you wondered it.
Dick: So, relisten to the episode, Tim. Sorry.
Maddox: Relisten to the episode, guys. Um, I have…I don't know if you remember this, uh, Dick. I have a new segment, umm…I don't have the intro to the segment, but it's called, I called it…uh, remember this? Way back in Episode 10…
(Clip: Maddox: "How long before some drug cartel gives someone a boatload of cash and says, "Hey, fit this with GPS." And here we go, now you have to worry about drones, and by the way, it…
"This is going to be a game-changer in the drug wars. This is gonna be a game-changer in so many things. So many applications that are bad.")
Maddox: Yeah. So, I was talking about drones back in Episode 10.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And how it's just a matter of time before someone starts using them for drugs, and, lo and behold.
(Clip: Male newscaster: "This picture shows what Tijuana police found when they answered a call of an object falling from the sky. It was a drone carrying about 6 and a half pounds of crystal meth.")
Dick: Oh.
Nathan: Ooh.
Maddox: Oh. It's already starting to happen.
Dick: Lemme tell you. It's…it comes across as a little gauche when you promote yourself as having been right. (Maddox laughs) So, a lot of times you wanna ask someone else to do it for you. (grinning)
Maddox: Dick, are you…you're telling this to the guy who runs a website called "The Best Page in the Universe".
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I'm not afraid of coming across as a little gauche.
Dick: Okay. I got a voice mail for you.
(Voice mail: "Hey guys, it's Alex from Toronto. One of the great moments in this show's history happened for just a fraction of a second after Maddox…comes to understand and accepts the reality of 'No El Fumar' means 'No Smoking'. And he knows that somehow, he always knew that it didn't mean 'No Farting' (Maddox laughs) maybe in the back of his mind, because he doesn't challenge you at all. (Maddox and Dick laugh) He just goes "Fuuuuuuck." And the "Fuck" was so great, because it doesn't just mean that he knows he's wrong, he knew that this is gonna be something he's gonna get his nuts busted about FOREVER, because… (Maddox laughing) (Dick: Yeah. No Fumar.) (Nathan laughs) he did not think No El Fumar meant in any way ironically, "Don't Fart." (Dick: No. (cracks up)) He…this is one of those things that you learn, like, deep into your life, like "Oh, shit! My whole life, I didn't know that that wasn't the case. I'm such an ignorant prick." (Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) (Dick and Nathan crack up))
Dick: Did you hear that one, Buckley, Maddox thought "No Fumar" meant "No Farting".
Nathan: Yeah, I did…
Maddox: Yeah. (annoyed)
Nathan: Wasn't there an English translation close by?
Maddox: There was not. There was…it was just one, lone sign in this arcade, and I'm like, what, an eight-year-old kid lookin' at this sign, thinking, "Well, I can't fart." (Dick guffaws)
Nathan: Okay.
Maddox: No farting!
Dick: (laughing) Never in your life have you seen an English sign saying "No Farting", right?
Maddox: No…uh, no, I don't think so.
Dick: Yeah. But, Spanish, gotta be "No Farting".
Maddox: Well, this was also in a casino, and I thought, "Well, I don't spend a lot of time in casinos, so it's…you know, in this arcade, maybe they have special rules, 'cause sometimes, arcades smell like farts. You know that, right?
Nathan: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Arcades are notoriously bad. Arcades and skating rinks smell like farts. Everyone knows that. They're the fartiest. They're the fartiest.
Dick: I didn't know that.
Maddox: And then…someone, Dick, you tweeted at me…a picture of a sign that says "No Fumar", and it was a picture of a butt farting.
Dick: Oh, I made that, though.
Maddox: Oh, you made that?!! (Nathan, Dick, and Sean crack up) Son of a bitch.
Sean: You got him again!
Maddox: Fuck me. Shit.
Dick: (laughing) Hey, speaking of things people made on Twitter, did you see this fanart that somebody…somebody really loved your Dick Versus Dick segment.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. It was incredible. We're gonna post this on the website.
Nathan: Oh, woowww.
Maddox: But someone made some fanart. What's the guy's name?
Dick: Um…uh, woops.
Maddox: And, by the way, guys. The guy who did that Metal Gear Solid clip, he sent that in in an email, his name is Aaron Grays, thank you, Aaron, for that Metal Gear Solid clip.
Dick: Okay. Daniel Warren.
Maddox: Daniel Warren.
Dick: @danielwarren86. He made what looks like…he made…it's, like, a boxing poster, like, a title bout boxing poster of Dick Versus Dick, and he's got me, a pretty good likeness with the muscles? The rippling muscles…
Maddox: (interjects) No.
Dick: And the chest, I think.
Maddox: Uh-uh.
Dick: Yeah, it's basically me fighting myself.
Maddox: Yeah. Read the captions.
Dick: "One man. Two opinions. No consistency." (Sean, Maddox, and Nathan laugh) Biggest Problem in the Universe proudly presents a deadly dual of divided ideals. Dick, the King of Contrarians Versus Dick, the Statless Wonder." Hmm. So, Statless Wonder is probably a little scrappier. I'd put my money on him.
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.
Dick: Sponsored by Fireball. America's Favorite Whiskey. (Nathan laughs)
Maddox: Dick looks so pissed off reading this. It makes me so happy. That was SO well done, and this illustrator…what's the name again? Daniel Warren?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, we'll link to it on the website. Really funny stuff.
Dick: Alright, I got one more voice mail.
(Voice mail: (male voice): (middle eastern accent) "Hello to you. My name is Rajeesh. I am calling on behalf of the Shawarma industry… (Maddox laughs) Worldwide Shawarma Association. Definitely a real problem, not a joke. (Maddox and Nathan crack up) Uh…(Dick: Not a joke.) the person who is suggesting that a hangover cure is to not eat after being drunk, uhh…go fuck yourself, lady. We count on drunk people to make the shawarma, okay? (Maddox laughs) Oh, and also, Dick, go fuck yourself.")
Dick: Allllright. (Maddox laughs) Shawarma industry, man.
Maddox: (laughing) Shawarma industry.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I don't think half our audience even know what a shawarma is. It's, like, this meat, that they kind of shave off this big thing, it looks like a Gyro, but it's way more delicious.
Dick: People know what shawarma is, it was in Avengers.
Maddox: Oh, yeah, after the credits.
Nathan: Mhmm.
Dick: Alright, are we ready for some problems?
Maddox: Uh, no. Real quick. Uh, Dick, I have one more comment I wanted to mention. Some guy…I mentioned destruction porn, and this guy,Adam Hayes, looked it up on Google and he said, "I typed in 'destruction porn' in Google Images and got nothing but girls getting 'destroyed' by cocks." (Maddox and Nathan laugh) I guess 'destruction porn' is a very specific genre of porn. Oops. Uh, and then one more from Twitter, it's @dr__mel, he says, "Looks like Dick couldn't even sheet the bed." Uh, anyway, Dick.
Dick: Hilarious.
Nathan: Oooooh.
Maddox: And we have…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, you know what? I do have…uh, Asterios Coconuts.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: Er, Asterios…
Maddox: Mysterious Coconuts.
Dick: Yeah. Asterios Kokkinos left…made a bit for us. He did another one of his "This Day in Shitstory" bits. Here, I'll play it now.
(Clip: Fanfare: (old-timey voice) "Welcome to the Biggest Problem in History. Taking the pisstory out of history. In this segment, we'll examine the worst things to EVER occur on today's date. (beeping of telegraph machine) January 27th, 1984. Michael Jackson's hair catches fire while filming a Pepsi Ad!! A pyrotechnic mishap led to the singer's head BURSTING into flames like the bad guy from the end of 'Raiders'. So, why is this a problem? (Maddox laughs) Becaaaaause, it never made it into the commercial! (Maddox: Amen. (Dick laughs))All I'm saying is, if there were a TV commercial where a pedophile's head caught fire, followed by the Pepsi logo, (Dick cracks up) Coca-Cola would be out of business! (They all crack up)")
Dick: It would be a good commercial.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: It would be amazing.
Dick: Good Superbowl commercial.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Alleged pedophile, too, right?
Maddox: Alleged pedophile. Head caught on fire.
(Clip: (telegraph beeping) "January 27th, 1967. The US, UK, and Soviet Union sign the Outer Space Treaty, which bans deployment of nuclear weapons in space. The COOLEST place to put nuclear weapons! (Maddox: Yeah.) But don't worry. Nuclear weapons on Earth, where humanity lives, are still 100% A-Okay!")
Maddox: (scoffs) Heh. Yeah, well, good thing space is safe.
Dick: Yeah. Alright, you ready? I got some more of those. I'll play 'em later.
Maddox: Alright. What's your problem, Dick?
Dick: My problem is…it's Superbowl time. You guys know that?
Maddox: Great.
Nathan: Mhmm.
Dick: That means I get to bring in a sports problem.
Maddox: Ohhhh. Awesome. (annoyed)
Dick: The No-Fun League!!
Maddox: No Fun League.
Dick: NFL. The No Fun League.
Maddox: What…(giggles) Ookay, Dick. It sounds like a…this sounds like one of those old man type of begrudging little comments, derisive little…like, a "Nobama" type thing. Is that what this is?
Dick: (stammers) The No Fun League?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: No, they…look. Every year, they crack down harder on touchdown celebrations.
Maddox: Oh.
Dick: And I hate it.
Nathan: Mmm.
Dick: And I think everyone hates it. There's…there's gonna be 100 million people watching the Superbowl.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: 30%.
Dick: I wanna see a show. I…100 million people wanna see a show. And the NFL's crackin' down on touchdown celebrations. For what reasons? For reasons I don't know. I'll get into what I think they are. But I hate it. And you should hate it too, 'cause you like gloating. You're a man who likes gloating.
Maddox: I do like gloating.
Dick: I think you would be more into football if they would embrace gloating.
Maddox: If they…if they inverted the amount of football that was played and gloating that was done…(Nathan laughs) So it was, like, 75% gloating, and then a little bit of football? I'd watch football.
Dick: That's exactly what I think they should do. Not only should touchdowns have a celebration, every single play should have, like…(Maddox chuckles)…a 2-minute break of just celebrating.
Maddox: Yeah. (Nathan laughs)
Dick: And shit-talking.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like wrestling.
Maddox: Uh..okay. I'm on board with that, actually.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. I was gonna shit all over this. But, uh, yeah. The gloating is the best part of wrestling. It's the best part of tennis. It's the best part of ANY sport.
Dick: It's the best part of life.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Is gloating.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: Mmm.
Maddox: Doing the touchdown dance. I don't know why it's a problem, though, Dick. And…and speaking of something I know nothing about…I got you at the start of the show with Metal Gear Solid, you got me now with NFL. I don't know shit.
Dick: Well, do you know about spiking a football?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay. That's…that's an excessive celebration…now.
Maddox: They've actually banned that?
Nathan: Mhmm.
Maddox: First of all, Dick, why have they banned excessive celebration?
Dick: Uh, you know…I'll get into the why. So, in 1984, the NFL instituted a rule that any prolonged, excessive, or, like, premeditated celebrating was banned. And they fine you. Like 10 grand for it. But they didn't start enforcing it until…do you know who Terrell Owens is? Or Ochocinco? Have you heard those names?
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: So, these guys got into, like, an excessive celebration war.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Where they would do stuff like…they would score a touchdown, I think, was it TO who did this? He scored a touchdown…he would run out into the middle of the field and spike the ball on the opposing team's logo. (Nathan laughs) He did this with the Cowboys. And the second…touchdown, right? Runs FIFTY YARDS! (Maddox chuckles) To spike the ball on the logo, which is basically, like, a giant Fuck You.
Maddox: That's a giant Fuck You.
Dick: To everybody at the Cowboy stadium.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Scores another touchdown. Does it again. He starts running…(Maddox laughs) 50 yards, and…I forget who did it, but somebody on the Cowboys just comes out of nowhere and nails him.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: And tackles him.
Maddox: Good. They should tackle him! Fuck you!
Dick: Good. Fines, fines, fines, fines, fines every which way, but it's awesome! It's entertaining!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I think the NFL has forgotten that they are a sport entertainment organization. Right?
Maddox: Or…or forgotten to ever start entertaining, 'cause football's so boring. But, um, yeah. The touchdown celebration, that sounds hilarious. I would watch that. Buckley, do you watch football? Do you know anything about touchdown celebrations?
Nathan: Yeah, I do. It's kinda the best part. You know…the sacks, too. When they sack people, sometimes, it's like they'll sneak in a little celebration?
Dick: Yeah.
Nathan: And it's fucking great.
Maddox: Uh, the movie Jerry McGuire was based on one of these guys, right? (Dick cracks up)
Dick: I mean, based on a football player? Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Was that one of these famous football celebration guys?
Dick: No, I don't think it was based on a real story.
Maddox: Okay, so, here's the thing. (Sean cracks up) If I was a football player…
Dick: It wasn't, was it?!
Sean: No.
Dick: No.
Nathan: What?!
Dick: No.
Maddox: I don't know. I don't know. Who gives a shit?
Nathan: I thought it was.
Maddox: Whatever.
Dick: It was? Jerry McGuire's based on a real story?
Nathan: I thought.
Maddox: I thought so, too.
Nathan: I don't know anything, but I thought so.
Dick: I don't know. What are you…
Maddox: So, so. Basically, in the movie, the guy does this big, outrageous celebration, or whatever, and I think he, like, breaks his neck, or goes into a coma or something. He becomes legendary, though, because he's known for this thing. Like, a football player…
Dick: That's real.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Somebody smashed their head into a padded concrete wall, and, like, paralyzed themselves for the rest of the game.
Maddox: Well, uh, depressing. So, anyway. This happened…who was the guy a couple seasons back where his touchdown celebration was some, like, stupid V thing, and everyone did it in commercials, and they hired him to sell Campbell's Soup and stupid shit like that?
Dick: Ohh. I know who you're talking about.
Maddox: It's a Christian dude, right?
Dick: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Are you talking about Tebow? 'Cause he's the…that's the Christian guy.
Maddox: Maybe. Yeah.
Dick: But that's not who did the V.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: I forget who did the V.
Maddox: Whoever did the V. Whatever, some stupid shit.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And it became, like, this big thing. So, if he was fined 10,000$, and then makes millions of dollars in endorsements and, uh, celebrity appearances afterwards, is that really a fine? The NFL's just kind of trying to placate the critics with this 10,000$ fine, while still saying, "Okay, it's fine. Keep doing it."
Dick: Well, you're exactly right. Ochocinco would set aside 100,000$ a season just for fines that he knew he was going to do in advance, 'cause he would plan them out. Like, he would plant signs in the end zone so that he could go under the snow and pull up a sign that says, "NFL, please don't fine me." (Maddox laughs) It's like a…it's like, a marketing cost to these guys.
Maddox: Yeah. It's nothing.
Dick: And it annoys me, 'cause you're totally right. Football is boring to a lot of people.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And it's getting more boring even to fans when they institute shit like this.
Maddox: How much do they make per game, Dick?
Dick: Who?
Maddox: An average football player?
Dick: I have no idea. It's lower than other athletes. For the amount of exposure that they get, it's much lower than other athletes.
Maddox: But…a mid-range athlete is probably making upwards of a couple 100 grand per episode…per game, right?
Dick: Per episode of football, yes. (cracks up)
Maddox: Whatever, who gives a shit. (Nathan laughs) If you record 'em, you can…that's how they're referred to on the fucking TiVo.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. (grins)
Maddox: As episodes.
Dick: What?
Sean: It's not that much.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay, not as much as…
Nathan: What, the players?
Sean: It's not a couple hundred grand…
Maddox: You don't think?
Sean: No, there's 17 weeks. They play 16 games. Yeah, the average…the superstars make a ton…
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: But the average NFLer is, really, like compared to other sports…way underpaid.
Dick: Like 40 grand a game?
Sean: I'm not sure. I just know there's no way it's a couple hundred grand.
Nathan: I think their minimum wage is 250k per year?
Sean: It might be, for the year, yeah.
Nathan: Yeah, for the year.
Maddox: Okay. That's still a pretty decent amount of money. And 10 grand is nothing to them. That's just a slap on the wrist.
Dick: Welll…
Nathan: Mmm.
Dick: It is if you're just a normal guy.
Maddox: Well, sure. But normal guys aren't making these outrageous…they're not making these super big touchdowns.
Dick: No.
Maddox: It's the superstars who are. Who are making millions of dollars per season.
Sean: That's true.
Maddox: Right? So it's a slap on the wrist to them. It means nothing to them.
Dick: Right. Right.
Maddox: You know what it sounds like, Dick? It sounds like we need income-based fines to solve this problem.
Dick: No, no!!! We don't need any fines for these guys!! (yells) (Maddox cackles) It's sports entertainment!!! What…it's not…this isn't a cultural event!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: This is a game!! This is a GAME…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Where you go out onto a field and beat the hell out of each other.
Maddox: Dick, this sounds like it's a problem to you, not to anyone else. Why is this a problem?
Dick: 100 million people, Maddox! (yells) Are gonna be watching the Superbowl.
Maddox: So?
Dick: We gotta be teaching kids that you have to get in your opponent's face and grab their neck and call them a pussy! That's life.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's not…you don't win and walk off the field and go, "Well, good job. Good job. Let's shake hands. Let's have a good game." We should be teaching poor sportsmanship!
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay, Dick.
Dick: That's…that's the lesson we've gotta be teaching. That's why it's a problem.
Maddox: Uh, I wonder. I wonder how many of that 100 million are unwitting friends who come over to a friend's house, say, Dick's house, and you know, just want some chicken wings, or they go to a bar, and the game's on You can't fucking ignore it, 'cause everyone's watching it, and they're dragged along kicking and screaming, and they have to watch this bullshit instead of playing Scrabble at a coffee shop.
Dick: Oh, stop. Everyone loves football.
Maddox: (laughing) Football blows.
Dick: What are you?
Maddox: Boring.
Nathan: I feel like the fines are making it more boring, 'cause now players are afraid to do a lot. They're afraid to take risks, they're afraid to celebrate, and I feel like it's making it worse.
Dick: Yeah. You can't even grab your crotch anymore.
(Clip: "Well, that's unfortunate.")
Maddox: Well.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Such a shame that football players can't celebrate, Dick. Really big problem. I'm really worried about the plight of football players.
Dick: You are such a hater with football.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Why?
Maddox: It's just the most boring. It's boring, boring, boring.
Dick: Yeah? Is that the only reason? (grins)
Nathan: Did you not make the team? (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Maddox: I never tried.
Sean: He can't wait to stop talking about it because he doesn't know anything about it.
Dick: Is that really? Is that the reason?
Maddox: That's true. Of COURSE I don't know anything about it! Of course. 'Cause my mind's full of knowledge. Important stuff floating around in here. (Nathan laughs)
Dick: Yeah. Like who's farting.
Maddox: Yeah. (all crack up) No, man. I remember…so, here's my beef. My beef with football is pretty…I was pretty ambivalent towards football for most of my life, until high school. And that's when the shit started hitting the fan. Okay?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: 'Cause I started…I was a programmer. All my life, I was a programmer. Basically since early high school. And in high school, the computers that we had were 8086 machines. These were those old, green, black and white…you know, those monochrome, uh…green IBM machines. Those big, clunky…or, those Apple machines.
Nathan: Mhmm.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And these were just god-awful computers. And I was in this programming class, and it was so underfunded. And I did the math, and I calculated all the funds in the school, and the majority of them went to our football team.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Which sucked dick. (Nathan laughs) It was among the worst in our entire state. Uh, I remember one game, where they were showing the highlight reels at an assembly, of our football team? And one of the games, they lost 17 to 0. And the football team kinda stood up in front of the screen trying to block it, I'm like "No, idiots! Own it!!" (Nathan laughs) This is you!! This is what all our money and our funding has done; meanwhile, we're sitting here programming on these archaic, pre-Soviet computers…(Dick and Sean crack up) and…to something that could potentially give me a career! A chance at a better life.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: And instead, we're pissing it away on uniforms so you can put jockstraps on your dicks! (angry) (Dick guffaws) You fuckin' morons! You can sweat in these things, you idiots. You apes. You can't even score a fucking touchdown!? You can't take a ball from one end to the other!?! (yelling) How fuckin' hard could it be?!!?
Nathan: Mmm.
Maddox: Meanwhile, I'm struggling! I'm suffering over here!! (Dick cracking up, Nathan giggles) Underfunded computers! Computer Science classes. I was a better programmer than my teacher. She was teaching us Hello, World. I was sitting in the back of the class programming a star field.
Nathan: Ooooh. (Dick dying of laughter)
Maddox: Like, what am I doing!?!? What am I doing in this fucking high school!? Anyway. That's my beef with football.
Dick: (laughing) I knew there was something in there.
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Well. That's my problem.
Maddox: Great.
Dick: I dunno. I think it's…I don't know. (sighs) I think it's…I think there's some racism to it.
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay, Dick. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah.
Nathan: How?
Dick: You know, like these Good Ol' Boy owners don't like seeing Ochocinco and TO and a bunch of black dudes, flamboyantly, according to them, celebrating?
Maddox: Yeah. That's what it is, Dick. They hire them. Right? There's racism, yet they hire them. Is that…(stammers) there's a complete disconnect there.
Dick: Well, the fines. Would be the…(stammers) a complete disconnect to what? It being slightly racially motivated?
Maddox: If it's racially motivated, why would they hire them in the first place?
Dick: 'Cause it's football.
Maddox: 'Cause it's football, and they want to…
Dick: Who are they gonna hire?
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs) Okay. Yeah. I dunno, Dick. As soon as they start fining black people in football, and not white people, then maybe you can make a case that it's a problem. But, uh, as it stands, it sounds like it's not a problem to anyone but you, and maybe a few idiots who are bored watching football.
Dick: Well, my "Missing My Fantasy Football Draft" got downvoted pretty heavily, soo…(Maddox laughs) But I got emails about that! And that's what weird me out about this voting system. A problem will get downvoted to hell, and yet, I'll get the most emails from that problem.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like the changing your sheets, everyone was like, "Yeah, that's totally a big problem."
Maddox: No.
Dick: They emailed me their fixes.
Maddox: It's because the dumbest people…who also agree with you, they're the ones who are emailing you. "Yeah, Dick. I can't believe it got voted down. This is a big problem in my life." No. It's not a problem, guys. Get sheets with stripes on it. Not that fuckin' hard.
Dick: Oh, that's true.
Maddox: It's a one-step solution. Anyway, Dick. Um…do we have anything more from Asterios or you?
Dick: Lemme see. Lemme look at my notes here.
Maddox: You have any stats? (chuckles) Got any stats?
(Clip: Dick: "I got a stats for you.")
Dick: No, surprisingly, I don't have any stats on this problem.
Maddox: Surprisingly.
Dick: I got some more from Asterios' "This Day in Shitstory".
Maddox: Yeah.
(Fanfare starts again, "Welcome to The Biggest Problem in History. Taking the pisstory out of history." (telegraph machine beeps) January 27 th, 1996. Germany celebrates its first Holocaust Remembrance Day. (Dick: Hmm.) (Maddox and Nathan giggle) In 1996. (They all laugh) Germany celebrates its first Holocaust Remembrance Day. (Maddox: 1996. (grins)) Well, let's see. The Holocaust ended in 1945; okay, so subtract that from 96, okay, let's carry the 1. And okay. OKAY, that is a billion years too late! (yells) (Maddox laughs) For remembering the Holocaust! Germany! You have a million cuckoo clocks. Use them!! (Maddox laughs some more)
January 27th, 1959. Keith Olbermann is born. His potent combination of overacted bloviating and manufactured outrage thrilled Americans from coast to coast, for, like, a week or something. (Maddox laughs) But Olbermann's real pride, being the inspiration for the HBO series, 'The Newsroom", a show so bad that cancer sued it for plagiarism.")
(Maddox and Nathan chuckle)
Maddox: Ahhhh, Keith Olbermann. Whatever happened to that blowhard?
Dick: He's on Bojack Horseman. He actually does a really good job.
Nathan: Really?
Dick: As the new anchor on that show.
Maddox: Wow. Well.
Nathan: Well.
Maddox: Good trajectory for his career.
Dick: Oh wait, I got one more thing. Um, a guy…a Muslim got fined for praying after a touchdown.
Maddox: Really?
Dick: On Monday Night Football. Yeah, but then they reversed it 'cause they felt bad.
Maddox: Oohhhhhhh.
Nathan: Mmmmmm.
Maddox: Oh, you see, now that's a fine I agree with. If you're gonna fucking pray out on the field, fuck off. Do your shit somewhere else, man. This isn't a place for it. It's not the time for it. If you got a quick little…uh, you know. What's the Muslim version of the Christian cross? You know, if you can do that while you're walking off the stage, or walking off the field, fine. But don't fucking stop the show for your prayer. That's bullshit.
Dick: Well.
Maddox: That's a real thing that happened?
Dick: That's a real thing that happened, yeah. They didn't know what to do. The ref didn't know what to do, so he flagged him. (laughs) (Nathan cracks up)
Maddox: Push him? I dunno….
Dick: 15 yards. (laughing)
Maddox: Great. Uh, Buckley, thank you again for joining us today.
Nathan: Yeah!
Maddox: You are our, I believe, our fourth or fifth guest on our show. What is your…you brought a problem in today.
Nathan: I did. I brought a problem. My problem…(sighs) is people who got bit by the travel bug. These people who travel, which is fine, but they make it their thing, that's all they wanna talk about. They make it sound super important, like the accomplished something by getting on an airplane and paying a lot of fuckin' money.
Maddox: Yeah. Like it's…you did something. Congratulations. What do you want?
Nathan: No. You didn't. You got on a plane. Anybody can do that.
Maddox: Ye…what…so you're telling me, if I buy a plane ticket to an exotic location, that's not an accomplishment?
Nathan: Not all of them. (Maddox and Dick crack up) And that's the other part that bothers me.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: Is it's just some countries, they're like, "Oh yeah, that's a good one." Like, you're culturing yourself. This is good. But if I'm a Marine and I go to Afghanistan to shoot some children, that's not okay. (Maddox cracks up) (Dick guffaws loudly) That doesn't count as travelling! Even though I travelled somewhere very different from here. It doesn't count.
Maddox: Wait a second. If I go to another country to shoot some children, I would say that counts as travelling!!! (angry)
Nathan: Right?!
Maddox: My passport has a stamp, doesn't it?
Dick: Yeah. You had a spiritual experience. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah!
Nathan: And culturally, it's very different than here, whereas you go to somewhere like London. You know, that's a little bit different. But not that much.
Maddox: So…so, what would count as something? Like, a travelling experience?
Nathan: (inhales) Um…like, the…easy ones would be, like France, Germany, uh…England.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: And then, like Belgium. And then some of the more hardcore people go to South America, and they wanna tell you all about that for a really long time and you want 'em to stop.
Maddox: Oh, man. Yeah.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: Especially people who do any kind of, like, child, or food aid in Africa or anything, they come back and their Facebook picture for a month or two is just a picture of them surrounded by black kids. Like, that's…
Nathan: (laughs) Yeah. And it becomes their whole identity.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: Like, you handed a black kid a piece of bread. Congratulations. Like…(Maddox laughs) It's not that big of a deal. I don't…(they all crack up laughing)
Dick: People do use it to define themselves.
Nathan: That's what bothers me. My brother spent, I don't know, like, 100,000$ travelling the world for two years.
Dick: Wow.
Nathan: But this is his thing. This is his whole identity. But, to me, it's like…"Dude, you just went on vacation for a really long time."
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)
Nathan: Yeah, I'm glad you did, but, like, sometimes he'll try to teach me things and culture me, and he spent like 10 minutes explaining this dish that they serve in Venezuela, called "ceviche".
Dick: Oh. (cracks up)
Maddox: Ooh, ceviche. Sounds so exotic. What is this…ceviche? Is it just raw fish?
Nathan: That you can get anywhere here, including Del Taco, Taco Bell…(Maddox and Dick crack up) Like, just walk outside, you can find the stuff, dude. You didn't have to do that.
Maddox: There's Peruvian…yeah. I've been to really low-end restaurants. I think it's, like, a bar food now.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: Where you get jalapeno poppers and ceviche.
Dick: Ceviche, yeah.
Nathan: Yeah. Yeah.
Maddox: Sure.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: Shrimp ceviche. It's a thing EVERYWHERE.
Nathan: Yeah. Just trash food. Who cares?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah. It's just a bunch of buildings. You're just going around…
Nathan: (interjects) It's a bunch of old buildings.
Dick: Seeing a bunch of buildings. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: What a bunch of dicks. (laughs) That's what you guys are. A couple of dicks.
Nathan: You can see 'em on the Internet!
Maddox: I like old buildings. Yeah! You can see everything on the Internet. You can see titties on the Internet. You wanna see titties on the Internet, or in person?
Dick: Both. (all crack up) I like to have it all.
Maddox: You know what, though? That's fine. 'Cause I got the Wi-Fi. I'll hop on and I'll look at old buildings on my way to see the old buildings.
Dick: Well, people do use travelling as, like…it's got this, like, mysticism to it.
Nathan: Yeah.
Dick: Like, "Oh, you're more cultured if you experience…"
Nathan: I'm so interesting.
Dick: But you're not.
Nathan: No. You're not.
Dick: You just saw a bunch of buildings built for the wrong size people. (Maddox and Dick laugh) Because they're very old. With plumbing that's probably better than ours.
Maddox: Yeah. No.
Dick: And you ate a bunch of food. And you shit in a new toilet. Good for you.
Maddox: Yeah. I…I think it depends on the type of travelling you do. If you go there with the intent to try to learn something, fine.
Dick: Like what?
Maddox: But if you're just going…I don't know, man! Like a language.
Nathan: Okay.
Dick: How French girls say no? (all crack up)
Maddox: Non. (terribly pronounced) Is that how? I don't know.
Dick: Yeah, it is non. (also poorly pronounced)
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: Uh, no. I've only heard "Oui, oui, oui." Um, but…
Nathan: Mmm. (scoffs)
Dick: Bags of sand!! (Maddox cracks up) (all crack up) What were you gonna say?
(Sound clip: Angelo's mom: " I love you, Maddox.")
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Um, I…yeah, no, man. If you go there and you try to actually experience it. So, when I…I went to France, probably…I've been there a couple of times, and the first time I went, I stayed…I couldn't find a hotel, and actually, Dick, this is because of you that I was able to find this place. I was flying in on New Year's Eve and I didn't think to book a hotel beforehand, because I didn't plan on going to France. I bought this ticket on a whim and I checked hotel prices in Paris on New Year's Eve, and they were outrageous, like, 400 Euros a night! I'm not gonna…that's gonna bust my bank! I'm not gonna pay that.
Nathan: Mhmm.
Maddox: So I thought maybe I'll just sleep on a bench for a night. You know, it's New Year's Eve. (Dick guffaws loudly)
Dick: I'm sorry, what!?! (yells) Maybe you'll just sleep on a bench for a night!?
Maddox: I don't know, man! Sure, whatever, fuck it!
Dick: Have you ever done that?
Maddox: No!
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: I have a home.
Dick: Just trying new things.
Maddox: Trying new things.
Dick: Travelling to France, try some new things.
Nathan: Paris is pretty nice. Even the benches are nice.
Maddox: Yeah, the benches are nice…I've seen pictures of old buildings in France, Buckley. They look great. I'll sleep on a bench in front of it. Plus, everyone's up all night probably anyway. Throwing champagne bottles around. Which was true.
Dick: (laughs) You can sleep in Notre Dame, you can be like the hunchback of Notre Dame. (Maddox and Nathan crack up)
Maddox: Oh yeah. I'll sleep in the clock tower somewhere up there. Or the bell tower. So I looked on…I remember just as I was about to close my laptop in defeat. You kind of…in this Obi-Wan way appeared to be in this spirit, Dick.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And was like, "Don't forget to check Craigslist." And so I thought, "Oh yeah, I will!", and so I hopped on Craigslist and went to paris.craigslist.org and found this guy renting a room in his apartment for 60 Euros a night.
Nathan: Wow.
Maddox: And I thought, "Wow, that's cool." And he said he lived near Notre Dame cathedral, and usually when people say they live near a landmark, they're a couple of miles away.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I showed up and this guy's like kitty corner from Notre Dame Cathedral. It's less than a minute walk. It's the stop that's right there. And I had an incredible time and I stayed there and I learned this guy's life, and I hung out with this dude. I took him out to dinner. We're still friends to this day!
Dick: Right…right there. That was the point in the travel story where I want it to be over.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, when people are telling travel stories? There's always a point where I'm just, like…you hear that sound, that (loud, high tone) Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…..(Maddox and Nathan crack up) in your mind, and you're like "Oh god, I might kill somebody, please don't black out, please don't black out, please don't black out. Stop telling the story."
Maddox: Well you're in luck, Dick, 'cause that was the end of my story.
Dick: Yeah, you're good at that.
Maddox: Yeah. So, but, anyway, Buckley, what would say about that kind of travel experience? Was that bullshit, too? Did I get the travel bug?
Nathan: No.
Maddox: Thank you.
Nathan: You're…you're not one of those people. At least not yet.
Maddox: No.
Nathan: I haven't talked to you enough to know, but you don't sound like one. And, you know, I'll admit, fucking Paris is great. It's fun.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: It's a great vacation, but that's…
Maddox: You've been?
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: A few times.
Maddox: Sure.
Nathan: But that's all it is. It's fun.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: And it's no better than going to…I don't know…Rosarito Beach?
Dick: Or Cancun.
Nathan: Or Cancun, and partying your ass off. It's a vacation.
Maddox: Yeah. When people try to asc…so your problem is with people who try to ascribe higher meaning from their vacation.
Nathan: Correct.
Maddox: Right. You just bought a ticket because you have time off from work.
Nathan: And a bunch of money you don't know what to do with.
Maddox: And a bunch of…(laughs) bunch of money to blow through!
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: What do you think about people who go abroad to do some kind of…you know, some kind of service work, like um…what's the Salvation Army? Is that one of 'em?
Nathan: Mmmm…Peace Corps…
Dick: Is that a…yeah, that's a thing. Peace Corps' a thing.
Maddox: Oh, Peace Corps. That's the one I was thinking of. What do you think of, like, the Peace Corps guys?
Nathan: I'm a skeptic, so every time someone tells me they're doing that, I just think they're full of shit, or they're, like…
Dick: (interjects) It seems like it takes a lot more resources to let them do something.
Nathan: Right.
Dick: Right? It's like if someone wants to come over, and like, "Hey, man, I'll help you build your pool." Like, no thanks. I've got, like, guys who know how to build a pool out there building it. (Nathan laughing)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What are you gonna do?
Maddox: I've read all these articles recently about people who go to do Peace Corps work and they try to build these mud huts and shit huts wherever in Africa.
Nathan: Mhmm.
Maddox: And they say that a lot of times, these, uh…really young, weak, white girls show up and they try to build huts in Africa, and they have no expertise and no experience, and so they're building these walls that are crooked and not sound…
Nathan: Exactly! (laughing) Yeah.
Maddox: They're structurally unsound. That will collapse.
Dick: (scoffs) Yeah.
Maddox: So what the poor people do…
Dick: Girls that you wouldn't let put together Ikea furniture in your house.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Are building someone's entire house in Africa!
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: So they're basically murderers. When it falls down.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: So, so…no. What they do, though, Sean, is after they leave at night, the poor kids come out from the village, tear it down, and rebuild it correctly. (Dick and Nathan crack up laughing) because these…yeah. Because these girls. And they…they don't wanna be rude and tell them to stop, because it's…it's still bringing in some funding to the community.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: And they don't wanna lose that. So they'll let them come and play…
Dick: (interjects) And who doesn't like lookin' at hot girls workin'?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Hot white girls working out there in mud huts. I'll look at that all day.
Nathan: Swinging a hammer.
Maddox: They get that muddy little thing on their brow, you know, 'cause they wiped…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's pretty hot. They should make African mud hut porn.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Like, real porn. Not non-porn porn.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Nathan: Mhmm.
Maddox: Yeah, anyway, Buckley. Yeah. That's a good…that's a good problem.
Dick: It's like being a nerd. People who say, like, "Oh, I'm a nerd." "Oh, I love travel." Like, yeah, everyone loves travel. It's a vacation.
Nathan: Yeah, you're on vacation. That's why you're having fun. That's what…yeah. Of course.
Dick: It's not work.
Nathan: Yeah.
Dick: People don't know you where you're going.
Nathan: "Aww, I had the best time when I was in France." Yeah, no shit, 'cause you were on vacation, not doing anything.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: That's fun.
Maddox: You know what, though? You know what, though? I read this thing, uh…you know, that OKCupid releases those studies every now and then where it says the two biggest indicators of compatibility are people who like to travel and their taste in horror movies. And so, that's one thing I…
Nathan: (interjects) (incredulous) What?
Maddox: And so that's one thing…yeah. It's just a thing I read awhile back.
Dick: Huh.
Maddox: Um, so, the travel thing, though, Buckley. Like, people…I have met people who absolutely hate to travel. So what do you think of those people? What do you think of people who just refuse to travel, don't like it at all.
Nathan: Have they done it and they don't like it, or is just that they're afraid?
Maddox: I'm gonna guess no, because they're usually assholes. (Nathan guffaws)
Dick: I know some people who would prefer to stay home.
Maddox: Yeah. I prefer they stay home.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. You don't like to travel? Great. Don't travel. Stay the fuck home. I'm not gonna hang out at your house.
Dick: Well. (scoffs) They're not as combative as you about it. (Maddox laughs) They just don't like going on trips.
Maddox: You don't like to go on trips? Fuck you!
Dick: Fuck you. (Maddox laughs)
Nathan: I don't have strong feelings against it; I mean, honestly I probably would have never gone to another country had it not been for women making me, but…
Maddox: Oh, so this was, like, in a relationship you went to another country.
Nathan: Every time.
Maddox: Ohhhhhhh. So…are you…do you like to travel, though?
Nathan: Eh. Yeah. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Ohhh, okay, here we go. (Dick laughs)
Dick: What's here we go?! What did you, bust him?
Maddox: Busted!
Dick: For what?
Maddox: A non-traveler! (laughs)
Nathan: To me, like, I'd almost rather go to Portland than China.
Maddox: What??! What's in Portland.
Nathan: Yeah. Bars. Women.
Maddox: Strip clubs, that's true.
Dick: What's in China!?
Maddox: Fuckin' Chinese food. Kung Pao Chicken.
Dick: You love travelling, don't you?
Maddox: Yeah, I love it.
Nathan: (laughs) Kung Pao Chicken?!
Dick: Yeah. You're one of these people. (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: Lemme tell you about the ceviche I had. (Nathan and Sean laugh) Uh, no. Actually…so, I've been to China.
Nathan: Wow.
Maddox: And, to date, the best Chinese food I've ever had is still in Canada. Like, easily.
Nathan: See? See?
Dick: (sighs) Now…
Nathan: That's what I mean. You don't have to fly 5000 fucking miles to have a great pizza.
Maddox: That's true.
Nathan: The pizza in Italy's not any better than in LA. I'll never believe that.
Dick: That's true.
Nathan: LA has good fuckin' pizza.
Maddox: Yeah. I've had…I've had good pizza in just about everywhere I've gone. Even New York. I bitch about New York pizza, 'cause it's so fucking thin. New Yorkers love their thin fuckin' pizza. Which, by the way, if you like your pizza so much, why are you making it trying to disappear!? (annoyed) It's nonexistent, basically. Anyway. That's it.
Nathan: Did you do that folded up thing and…cram it in?
Maddox: Yeah. I won't do that, 'cause it's a calzone. They have that. They're called calzones.
Nathan: Yeah.
Dick: Very specific dietary preferences. (Nathan chuckles)
Maddox: I'll eat anything, dude.
Dick: Okay. I got one more from Asterios.
(Fanfare starts again, "Welcome to the Biggest Problem in History. Taking the pisstory out of history. (telegraph beeping) And finally, the biggest problem to ever occur on today's day, January 27th, 1993. French wrestler and actor Andre the Giant passes away at the age of 46. (Maddox: Aw, that's a bummer.) At 7 foot 4 and 500 pounds…(Dick: Jesus.) Andre the Giant was unquestionably one of the greatest men to walk the face of the Earth. By age 12, (Dick: I dunno about greatest men. Maddox: Yeah.) he was so large that he had to be driven to school in the back of a pickup truck by his neighbor, Nobel Prize-winning playwright Samuel Beckett. (Maddox: Huh.) The fabulous Moolah, famous female wrestler, wrote of watching Andre consume 119 beers (Maddox: 119 beer?! Nathan: : Wowwww.) all by himself, then…(Maddox: Holy shit.)pass out in a hotel lobby. His fellow wrestlers were unable to move him (Dick: I've done that. (Maddox laughs))from the hotel lobby, because he was Andre The Giant. (Maddox: Yeah, in a week.) So they simply draped a piano cover over him and let him sleep it off. (Maddox laughs) Legend also tells of a time that Andre The Giant didn't feel like cramming in a cab because he was a gigantic man. So, he and the American Dream, Dusty Rhodes, each stole horse-drawn carriages, raced them around New York City, then ditched them somewhere and continued to get drunk in a hotel. The very next night, the two men main-evented Madison Square Garden. There's a point in the universe where fact and fiction, reality and legend, clash. And that point has a name. Andre The Giant. (Maddox chuckles) The passing of this great man into myth is the biggest problem in history today. That's all for now. Until next time, this is Asterios Kokkinos saying, the past can go fuck itself!!!!!")
(Maddox and Nathan laugh)
Dick: So Andre The Giant died today?
Maddox: Yeaaah. What was it, 50 years ago? Something? No. 20 years ago.
Nathan: 119 beers?
Maddox: He weighed 500 pounds. I looked this up, guys. That's 226 kilos. And that's a quarter of a ton.
Dick: That's a lot.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: Yeah.
Dick: That's a lot of beers.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 119 beers.
Nathan: I think I've gotten, like, 20.
Dick: Yeah. I've had 20 before.
Maddox: I think we've all had 20 beers, guys. (Nathan scoffs) But let's talk about the biggest problem in the universe, shall we? Huh? The real problem? Is Overpriced Vintage Clothing, baby!!!
Dick: (scoffs) Oh, my God.
Maddox: Yeeaaaaaaaaah!!!
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: You just wanna tell people how to spend their money. (Maddox cackles) That's your whole M.O.
Maddox: Ohhh. Well, you know what, buddy? It…apparently doesn't matter, because people are already spending it by the BILLIONS on vintage clothing. Listen to this. This is from this website, http://www.narts.org. It's this National Research something-or-other. Um, first research estimates that the resale…(Dick and Nathan crack up)
Dick: Sounds like one of my stats. (grins)
Maddox: No, no. It's a real thing. I looked it up. Uh, first research estimates that the resale industry in the US has annual revenues of approximately 13 billion dollars. Goodwill Industries alone generated 3.79 billion in retail sales for more than 2,900 not-for-profit retail stores. (Dick giggles) Uh, Buffalo Exchange. That's another one of these, like…
Nathan: Mhmm.
Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)
Maddox: …Goodwill type companies? Generated an annual revenue of 81.6 million dollars in 2012. And Crossroad Trading Company, based in Berkeley, California, rang up over 20 million in sales in 2012. So why is vintage clothing a problem, guys? You have any idea?
Dick: Overpriced vintage clothing, or vintage clothing?
Maddox: Sure. Well, I'm going to make the case for all of it, but overpriced specifically.
Dick: The…the audacity that you have. (Nathan laughs) To sit here and say that overpriced vintage clothing is a bigger problem than the war on excessive touchdown celebrations. (Maddox cracks up) That's outrageous. (Nathan chuckles)
Maddox: It's not a war, Dick. What is this, Fox News? Here we go. Just listen to this. "The rise in sales…"this is from the http://www.thedailymail.co.uk. It says, "The rise in sales of vintage clothing boosts population of clothes moths by 75%!" (Dick snorts and Nathan and Sean crack up) What?!?!?!
Dick: Okay. Who gives a shit!?
Maddox: Your clothes are getting destroyed because of vintage clothing!! That's…YOU should give a shit. NFL players should give a shit! What if they're making a touchdown celebration and their clothes just fall off and you're lookin' at some guy's schlong?! (yells)
Dick: That's more fines. (grins)
Maddox: More fines!!!!
Dick: Yeah. That's a wardrobe malfunction. (grins)
Maddox: So, my problem is exacerbating your problem. Your problem's a subset of my problem, buddy!
Dick: Maddox, how many moths are around chewing up clothes? Like, isn't that something that just happens in cartoons?
Maddox: Yeah, you would think.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: But, here's the thing, Dick. Um, when an adult moth lays an egg, it lays 300 of them. And they live for about 65 to 90 days with female adult moths living for about 30 days and laying 300 eggs in your clothes. (Dick cracks up laughing) You don't think that's a problem!?
Dick: No! 'Cause I've never known anybody that had their clothes eaten by moths. Have you, Buckley?
Nathan: I had pantry moths once. Is that the same thing?
Dick: I have no idea.
Nathan: God, they were fucking hard to kill.
Maddox: Dick, you probably…yeah. They're really hard to kill. You probably don't know because you just have piles of clean clothes around your house.
Dick: Yeah, well.
Maddox: Probably somewhere underneath those piles and piles is just big piles of moth larvae.
Dick: Ew.
Maddox: Yeah. They're attracted to the smell of sweat, which can become engrained in older clothes, even if they're undetectable to the human nose. And older clothes are more likely to be made from natural fibers, which moths feed on! Such as wool, cotton, and cashmere. Newer garments are increasingly made from synthetic material, such as polyester. That's why newer clothes are better than vintage clothes.
Dick: But is it the overpriced, or do you hate vintage clothes altogether?
Maddox: Well, look, man…
Dick: (interjects) Sounds like…I mean, I'm a betting man. I would bet that for some retarded reason, you hate vintage clothes. (Nathan and Maddox laugh) Because it's people who look different than you.
Maddox: No. Look, it's…they harken back to another era. Like, if you wear vintage clothes from, like, the 80s or 90s, you're feeling a little bit nostalgic, that's one thing, but then people go to the 20s! You don't know anything about the 20s!
Nathan: Who do you know that's wearing clothes from the 20s?! (incredulous)
Dick: (cracks up) He knows a lot of Zoot Suit guys running around!!! (laughing)
Nathan: Yeah. (giggles) (Dick cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah. Sorry, guys. Only every time I open my fucking eyes. These fedora dipshits on Hollywood…are you kidding me!?! (angry) Everywhere! They're everywhere! People wearing fedoras. Like, it's not the fucking 20s, dipshit! Take your cabby hat off! You're not a fucking newsboy! Take your hat off and fuck off! With your 1920s….
Dick: So he wants to wear a hat! So they wanna wear a hat. What's the big deal?
Maddox: I'll tell you what the big deal is.
Dick: Have you ever worn a fedora?
Maddox: No!
Nathan: It's fun.
Dick: 'Cause…I…I know…yeah. It's fun.
Maddox: I put it on just to see what it looked like in a hat store and I looked like a douchebag, so I took it off. (Nathan guffaws)
Dick: Ehhhh.
Maddox: Very few guys can pull it off. If you can pull it off with a fedora, you're probably a detective. (Nathan and Sean laugh) So, uh…listen to this, man. So, Goodwill. I looked into Goodwill, and the CEO of Goodwill is this guy named Jim Gibbons, who in 2011 received a total reported compensation of 725,000$.
Dick: The CEO? That's it?
Maddox: The CEO.
Dick: Huh. Wow. That's pretty charitable.
Maddox: Well, it's a not-for-profit company. How's he raking in 725,000$?
Dick: Oh, you think he should make less than that?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Do you know how many Goodwill stores he runs? A shitload! That company's huge! And he's…
Maddox: 2900. (clears throat)
Dick: …probably, I'm assuming, responsible for rebranding it with the Halloween ad campaign.
Maddox: What Halloween ad campaign?
Dick: How they always have, like Goodwill, and then they have, like, that little face that gets dressed up for Halloween?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You've seen that on billboards around here. That's a brilliant campaign!
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Great. Who cares.
Dick: (cracks up laughing) It's for helping people!
Maddox: Have you ever shopped at Goodwill?
Nathan: Helping poor people? Isn't that the point of the Goodwill?
Maddox: Oh, really?
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah. You would think. Except in…this is from Wikipedia. A 2013 article on http://www.watchdog.org reported that "Good Will's tax returns showed that more than 100 Goodwills pay less than minimum wage while simultaneously paying more than 53.7 million dollars in total compensation to top executives. The former CEO, Douglas Barr, of the Goodwill of southern California, was the highest paid Goodwill executive in the country. He received a total compensation worth 1.18 million dollars, which included a base salary of 350,200$, and bonuses worth 87,000$, retirement benefits of 71,000$, and 637,000$ in other reportable compensation."
Dick: So what?
Maddox: So they're helping people?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Really? 'Cause Goodwill Industries is…this article goes on. "Goodwill Industries International has been criticized…"
Dick: (interjects) It's goin' on, alright. (Nathan laughs)
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay, Dick.
Dick: Can you summarize it?
Maddox: Yeah. Here's the summary, asshole. "Goodwill Industries International has been criticized by some for using provisions of federal labor law to pay workers with disabilities less than federal minimum wage." Oohhh. So these people that are supposedly helping, they're paying them less than minimum wage.
Sean: Well, they can't DO as much.
Nathan: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, because they're not overcharging for their vintage clothes at Goodwill. They're cheap as shit! If they would overcharge, they could pay these people more!
Maddox: Dick! They do overcharge! Have you ever fuckin' bought anything from Goodwill?!
Dick: At a Goodwill? No, it's dirt cheap!
Maddox: They're outrageous!!
Dick: You can get ties for, like, 2 dollars!! What are you talking about?!?!
Maddox: No. I went into a Goodwill one time and I needed some construction boots, 'cause I was doing..a thing. I believe it was for Manswers for Spike TV.
Dick: Not 'cause you were doing construction. (Nathan laughs) But you were behaving like a jerk on a show, right? (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: I had to masturbate into a cup. Anyway, um…I needed…
Dick: For real, or on the show?
Nathan: Why did you need boots to masturba…? (Dick and Sean crack up)
Maddox: It was…it was a full thing, Buckley…
Dick: To get into character. (laughing)
Maddox: I'd have to, like…I'd have to get up to demonstrate. Anyway…(Dick still laughing) I walked into this Goodwill. I bought these boots, and they were REALLY expensive. They were like 70 dollars for these construction boots and I thought, well, I guess that's the price.
Dick: That's not a lot for boots.
Nathan: Yeah, but construction boots are, like, 200$, dude.
Maddox: No…(stammers) yeah. 200$, great. But these are used, secondhand construction boots from Goodwill.
Dick: So they're still good.
Maddox: Let me finish. (annoyed) (Dick, Nathan, and Sean crack up) So I bought…I'm getting fucking blue balls over here, literally and metaphorically. So, I bought these construction boots. 70$. Then I walked around the corner to Ross Dress For Less.
Nathan: Mmm.
Maddox: And I thought "There's no way they're gonna have construction boots for less than that." Guess what? 20$. For better quality, NEW construction boots! Then these bullshit construction boots I bought at Goodwill. So I walked right back into the Goodwill that I bought these from, 5 minutes later.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And I said, "Well, I overpaid these. I bought these new ones from Ross for 20 dollars just now. And they said, "Sorry, no returns."
Dick: No returns.
Maddox: Ever. They have a strict no returns policy.
Dick: Of course.
Nathan: Mhmm.
Dick: 'Cause of jerks.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What, Sean?
Sean: No, I was gonna ask. For 20 bucks, they're steel-toed and everything?
Maddox: They were…yeah, they were great. They were on clearance.
Nathan: Nooo. Come on.
Dick: There's no way they were good.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: There is NO way you bought a quality pair of work…you…Buckley, you actually do work, right? Like, you're a real manly man. You're not a silly man, like us.
Nathan: Yeah. I did construction for, like, 10 years.
Dick: You do work with your hands.
Nathan: I'm wearing construction boots now. These are 220 dollars.
Maddox: Yeah, my…
Dick: (interjects) What's the difference between the 20 dollar pair of construction boots and a 200 dollar pair of construction boots?
Nathan: Safety. (laughs)
Maddox: Safety. Yeah, I'll tell you what. Mine looked better than those, man.
Nathan: Come onnnn.
Maddox: Mine were tough. (Dick laughs) Mine were tough as shit. I bet these things would survive a bomb!
Nathan: You could drop a brick on my foot right now and I'd be just fine.
Maddox: You could drop two bricks on mine.
Nathan: Meeeeh.
Sean: Maddox once dropped a mouse on his foot and came away unscathed. (Maddox and Dick laugh)
Maddox: Uh, good one, Sean.
Dick: A computer mouse?!
Nathan: Yeah.
(Sound clip: Boooooo!!!)
(Maddox laughs)
Dick: 70 dollars does not sound outrageous for a pair of good, used construction boots.
Maddox: It…it wasn't until I went to Ross and bought the new construction boots. And, by the way, these construction boots, from Goodwill, were brown and ugly and they had these, like, black soles. (Nathan laughs)
Dick: Doing construction on Fashion Week in New York over here. (laughing) (Nathan laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. They almost look like…they were awful shoes. 70 dollars.
Nathan: What color do you want them to be?
Maddox: Like, normal…you know, the cream-colored construction boots that normal construction workers…
Nathan: Okay. Okay.
Dick: The tan?
Maddox: Yeah, the tan.
Dick: The khaki color, or that suede color?
Maddox: Khaki color. That's the one!
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: That's what I wanted. Like, classic-looking construction boots. They didn't have it at Goodwill. They had these 70 dollar horseshit that I bought. (Nathan giggles) And then I went around the corner and bought the new ones that looked perfect. That was exactly what the director was looking for.
Dick: Okay. You can't possibly think that the construction industry runs on 20 dollar boots. Right?
Maddox: No.
Dick: I'm asking…like, those are not good construction boots. Those are not quality construction boots.
Maddox: I…no, they were quality…Dick, you have this fallacy. You think you pay more, you get more! That's fucking bullshit. You proved it wrong. You've CONSISTENTLY proved it wrong.
Dick: What are you talking about, I consistently proved it wrong? (incredulous)
Maddox: In the bonus episode, you proved it wrong.
Dick: I won that wine test!!
Maddox: No, you didn't! You chose…
Dick: (interjects) HOW did I not win the wine test?!?!
Maddox: You misranked the most expensive wine, dickhead!!!
Dick: Okay. First of all. Let me say this. You have no idea what expensive wine is. If expensive wine on that test is 35 dollars, that's almost nothing compared to an 18-dollar bottle of wine.
Maddox: Yeah, well, it's double, isn't it.
Dick: No! 17 dollars is not…
Maddox: (interjects) 100%!!!
Dick: Naaaaaah. No.
Maddox: Shouldn't you get…shouldn't it taste better?!
Dick: Expensive wine…
Maddox: (interjects) Shouldn't it taste marginally better?
Dick: If you're gonna shit on people who like expensive wine, you should be targeting, like, bottles that cost 200 dollars or 300 dollars.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Not 35 dollars!! 35 dollars and 18 dollars is a label.
Maddox: Well, we're getting off topic here.
Dick: Ohohoho!!!! (yells) Now we're getting off…okay.
Maddox: No, no. 'Cause we're…
Dick: (interjects) Go ahead.
Maddox: If you want…I dunno, man.
Dick: No, go ahead. Go ahead.
Maddox: Okay. 'Cause it sounds like your dick is so hard…(laughs) so hard for Goodwill over here. Listen, they tried to defend themselves. So I mentioned the CEO making 831,000$ in 2004. That's the CEO, Michael Miller, of Portland's Goodwill, right?
Dick: That's fair.
Maddox: And they tried to defend it by saying, "Law does not require executives to take a vow of poverty to work in a non-profit sector", auditors wrote of Goodwill Industries of the Columbia Williamette, "But reasonable compensation is a substantive legal standard. Miller's 2004 compensation ranks him in the top one-half to 1% of all American wage earners."
Dick: Well, yeah. But how does it rank among CEOs?
Maddox: It doesn't matter. He's in the top one-half to 1% of all Americans.
Dick: It doesn't matter to you, but that guy's based his entire life on climbing a corporate ladder. So it probably matters to him.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm sure that's what it was and not some nepotism. Some buddy…uh, some yacht club…
Dick: (interjects) Ugh, man.
Maddox: Hey, come on in, man! Oh, you know what, dude? I've seen it firsthand! The CEO at my old company, the one I worked for, the telemarketing company…
Dick: Uh-huh. (annoyed)
Maddox: Hired his buddy from high school. He had this cushy job. He made over 200 grand a year, and his job was just to go around scouting for locations to open up new facilities. Which translated to golf. He would just go around the country. He was a traveler, Buckley. (Nathan groans) Part of your problem. He went…he went city to city. Everywhere in the country. Just to places that had the best golf courses. And that's where he would choose to have new facilities. And he was the CEO's buddy. He had the cushiest job, the best car. He did nothing except golf all day.
Dick: Yeah. (sighs) What is your…in your ideal world, what's the max amount of money a person should legally be allowed to make?
Maddox: You can make…
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause I know you think that.
Maddox: You can make as much as you want.
Dick: Okay. (grins)
Maddox: Right.
Dick: What's stop…what should be the cap?
Maddox: There shouldn't be…
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you don't think this guy should be making eight hundred…
Maddox: (interjects) No, because it's a not-for-profit. If these guys are here to help, if they're trying to do good…listen to this, Dick. 7300 of Goodwill's 105,000 employees are paid under the special wage certificate program. The National Federation of Blind considers it unfair, discriminatory, and immoral." So, this company is entirely set up to help people who are poor, who are veterans, who are people who can't be employed otherwise, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And they're paying them less than minimum wage while their CEOs are coming away with 53 million dollars in compensation!
Nathan: What if his net good, though, is better than his net, like, cost? Like, even though he costs 800,000$, what if he's doing more good for more people and generating a better life?
Maddox: Yeah, that's a good point, Buckley. Too bad we don't have that information. Um…(Dick and Nathan crack up)
Dick: That's it! That's how you get written…(Maddox laughs) That's how excellent questions get WRITTEN off summarily on this show!
Maddox: Yeah, I mean, you know. Maybe. Maybe that's true. But it would be really hard, I think, to qualitatively, uh…
Nathan: Yeah.
Dick: So, what should they do? What…what's the problem, here? Is it overpriced vintage clothes? Because, number one, Goodwill is not overpriced, and if they were overpriced, they would pay their employees more.
Maddox: Okay…
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause it would be a fancy vintage shop…like, that's the…
Maddox: (interjects) False. Wrong.
Dick: The people who work at the clothing…the vintage clothing stores on Melrose. Get paid more than people who work at Goodwill.
Maddox: Okay. So, you're saying that fancy vintage clothing places…I mean, maybe, because they're hipper places. They might be independently run. You're comparing small, independent stores to large, national franchises. Yeah, of course. The person who makes burgers at Stout Burgers, that you've talked about several times on the show is making more than someone at McDonald's, but that's a small, independent company versus a giant franchise that pays their employees shit, especially the BLIND. If you want to hire someone blind and you're doing them a favor as a form of charity? Then do charity. Don't…don't undercompensate them and then walk away with millions of dollars in your pocket.
Dick: So, people are not giving enough. They're not giving enough, you're saying. They're giving, charity. But they're not giving enough charity.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: (scoffs) Okay. That's your stance?
Maddox: Well…
Dick: They're not gi…how much are you fuckin' giving?
Maddox: Well, I'm not a 501-3 C Charity, am I? These are companies that have been set up AS charities. Like, this is a charity. If you give…if you donate to Goodwill, you can write that off as a tax writeoff, right?
Dick: Sure. You can write it off even if you don't donate.
Maddox: (laughs) Okay, Dick. (Sean and Nathan laugh) Alright. Audit Dick Masterson, not me. Here we go.
Dick: That's a Dick tip for you! (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Just a little Dick tip. Um, yeah, Dick. I'm not…I'm not a non-profit, but Goodwill is. They're purporting to do good, and I don't believe that they are. And their shit IS overpriced. And that's why I have a problem with it. Their shit is constantly overpriced. I've seen stuff in there…some of their clothes with moth holes in it. And yeah, moths are a big problem. You bring some of that stuff home, you think, "Wow, I got a really good deal on these clothes." And you don't know you brought in a ticking time bomb with some moth larvae!! (Nathan and Dick laugh) And then they eat up all your other clothes…you got holes in your clothes. You're naked. Nipples are comin' through your shirt.
Dick: Oh, that would suck. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. Big problem.
Nathan: I got a story. (Maddox guffaws)
Maddox: Yes?
Nathan: I got this shirt at a Goodwill.
Maddox: Yeah.
Nathan: For 14 dollars.
Maddox: Oh.
Dick: That's extremely cheap.
Nathan: What do you think?
Maddox: I think that's what I would pay for that shirt, yeah. It's a nice-looking shirt.
Nathan: I felt like I got a deal.
Maddox: Yeah. I bought stuff from Goodwill where I felt like I got an okay deal, and I've also bought…I feel like more often than not…I pay…I overpay for things at Goodwill and some of these places that sell vintage clothing. Some of the stuff they sell as vintage clothing, first of all, if it is actually vintage, comes from decades earlier. So the clothing is not gonna last that much longer. A couple of washes, maybe. Right?
Dick: I dunno. I mean, they made things differently back in the day.
Maddox: Yeah. They made 'em with cotton and natural fibers that attract moths. (Nathan laughs)
Dick: Well, yeah.
Maddox: We established that.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Moths. The biggest problem in the universe.
Dick: Is that the problem?
Maddox: Coming.
Dick: That's an animal.
Nathan: Mmmmmm.
Maddox: Coming sooooooon! (grins) Coming soon.
Dick: Yeah. I've never walked out of a Goodwill thinking that I paid even close to the value of a thing. I'm always shocked at how cheap it is there.
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Great. Why…why do you go to Goodwill?
Dick: Only for…only if I have to do, like, sketches.
Nathan: For a deal.
Dick: Yeah. Only if I have to make a costume out of something.
Maddox: For props and costumes, and that sort of thing.
Dick: Yeah.
Nathan: You know what? To Maddox's credit. Remember that time I bought a trench coat?
Dick: Yeah.
Nathan: I felt like they charged me too much money for it.
Dick: How much did they charge you for a trench coat?
Nathan: It was, like, 45 dollars.
Maddox: Yeah! You can get a new one for that cost.
Nathan: Yeah.
Dick: You can get a new trench coat for 45 dollars?
Maddox: Well, here's the thing. You go to another…another kind of charitable company that's not Goodwill. That's not this franchise. Uh, in Utah, there's a big one called the Deseret Industries, and that's Utah's version of Goodwill. And I remember going to those stores. Actually, the stuff in those stores usually are priced pretty reasonable, but Goodwill's outrageously expensive. Like, I've seen things…40 dollars for a used trench coat? Come on, man. You could go to a garage sale. You could go to a yard sale and you could find a trench coat. I'll get you a trench coat this afternoon!
Dick: Alright. I would love to see you do it!
Maddox: You want a trench coat?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: We can do…you know what?!
Dick: Buy me a 20-dollar trench coat.
Maddox: Within an hour of…I will get you a…I will get a you a 10-dollar trench coat, buddy.
Dick: Okay. (laughing)
Nathan: I do feel like in the last 10 years, Goodwill has become, like, aware of themselves, so maybe they think they're, like, kinda cool?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Nathan: And I feel like they've cranked their prices up, like, recently.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Nathan: 'Cause I felt like a long time ago, it was more of a deal? Eh?
Dick: How do they even price stuff? Like, everything is randomly priced.
Nathan: They just fuckin' make it up. Yeah.
Maddox: Well, it's not-for-profit. But they still somehow made 3.79 billion dollars as a not-for-profit.
Sean: So, to be straight, your problem is Goodwill. Not vintage clothing. (Nathan and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: No. It's the expensive…if they priced reasonably. If this vintage clothing wasn't overpriced through the roof, then I wouldn't have a problem with Goodwill. I wouldn't have a problem with any of these companies. Buffalo Exchange, you walk in, oh Jesus. It's so fucking hip, it's like a Hollister you're walking in.
Dick: Yeah. That's overpriced vintage clothing. But they can charge that, because people know that they're getting quality vintage clothing there.
Maddox: Oookay, Dick!
Dick: Goodwill is not vintage clothing. It's just giveaways.
Maddox: They have everything there.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But it's not specifically vintage clothing. It's, like, a flea market for all clothes.
Maddox: Yeah. But the stuff that you get there…here's the thing. You would think that everything should be priced the same. Right? They…when you walk into a Goodwill, they have racks of clothing.
Dick: Yeah, pantalones, 8 dollars. (Nathan laughs)
Maddox: They have racks of clothing. Sure.
Dick: 6 dollars.
Maddox: Sure. They have racks of clothing separated by color. Separated by style. Whatever. And they should all be priced the same, but they're not. They know when they get a quality piece of fabric…
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: …or they get a quality shirt in there, because it's on a special rack. And I bought one of those awhile back. I saw this shirt and I thought, "Wow, that's a nice shirt. It kinda looks like the one Buckley's wearing." And I bought it and I thought, "Wow, this is a nice shirt. I can't believe this is at Goodwill." And of course, it was also…I think it was, like, in the 15 to 20-dollar range, which is more like the Target pricing. You would expect to pay that about at a Target, right?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: Or a Wal-Mart. For NEW clothing. Not used, hand-me-downs.
Nathan: Are you buying clothes at Wal-Mart?
Maddox: No. (Dick laughs) I don't buy anything at Wal-Mart, unlike Dick. I boycott Wal-Mart.
Dick: I just buy kid's toys. Well, I don't shop there myself.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I…American Apparel. Lulu Lemon. Those are my stores. (Dick and Nathan crack up) Nordstrom's, actually. Most of my wardrobe comes from Nordstrom's.
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, that's my problem. Overpriced Vintage Clothing.
Dick: Alright! (voice cracks) So what, should they make it more to pay the employees more, or should they cheapen it and then stick the loss to the employees?
Maddox: Neither. They can just stop compensating the CEOs that much. In fact…
Dick: Oh.
Maddox: …when this was brought out. When they came out with this report on http://www.watchdog.org about that CEO who was making way too much money…
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: He ended up having to take a 25% pay cut. He was like, "Yeah, you guys busted me." So, yeah, it's a not-for-profit.
Dick: I'm sure he found a way to get it somewhere else.
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: CEOs are pretty good at that.
Maddox: Of course. Bunch of dickheads.
Dick: So they take 53 million that the CEOs are getting and they split it among how many thousands of employees?
Maddox: They have 7900 employees.
Dick: That's it?
Maddox: Er, no. I'm sorry. Um, they have 105,000 employees.
Dick: 105,000. Okay, so 53 million. What's 53 million divided by that many employees?
Maddox: It's…
Dick: 530 bucks?
Maddox: 504, yeah.
Dick: 504 dollars a year?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's your problem? People should be getting 500$ more per year?
Maddox: Wait. Lemme do this math again. 53…
Dick: (interjects) I think a good CEO is worth that.
Maddox: Yeah. 504 bucks.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: But I'm not saying that they should…
Dick: See, it doesn't spread. It doesn't spread like you're saying it does.
Maddox: No, I'm not saying they should just take all the CEO compensation and simply just distribute it all towards their bottom-like employees. But they don't have to pay such outrageous amounts for the top CEOs.
Dick: Do you see what I'm asking you?
Maddox: Yeah, what?
Dick: If they're…even if they got rid of the CEO's pay entirely.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Okay? 53 million. Give it to the…give it to the broke-ass employees.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: They're only getting 500 bucks. Still doesn't solve…they either gotta raise prices or they gotta stick these people with no money. Which one's it gonna be?
Maddox: No…the 105,000 employees who are part of Goodwill…
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: Are not the ones who are undercompensated.
Dick: Okay. Who's…
Maddox: (interjects) There's only 7300 of those who are.
Dick: 7300. Are undercompensated. Okay. So, let's add another 0. So 5 grand?
Maddox: It's about 7200$ per year.
Dick: Okay. So, will that make it okay?
Maddox: That'll make a big difference! That's the difference between poverty and not poverty, yeah. 7 grand is a huge amount of money for these people.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: That would change their lives!
Dick: But then all the people who are making slightly more than that, you gotta give them a bump too, right?
Maddox: No, you don't.
Dick: Oh. So now…
Maddox: If they're making…they should at least make minimum wage. That's all I'm saying.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I don't know. Maybe they've got a money printing machine at Goodwill that they can cover this spread, but I think they're gonna have to raise prices if they wanna pay what you're expecting them to pay.
Maddox: I dunno how much more they can raise them, they're already so fuckin' high! Overpriced vintage clothing. Biggest problem in the universe. Vote it up.
Dick: Alright! (grins) What are our problems? Buckley, thank you again for coming by.
Nathan: Yeah, man. Good times.
Dick: You got any favorite Twitter comments? Any good stories from the Twitterverse? I remember coming to one of your Tweetups. One of your Twitter meetups?
Nathan: Oh yeah, that's right.
Dick: Yeah.
Nathan: I introduced you to a girl.
Dick: Yeah. Uh…amazing night. However, the next time I ran into her, there was nothing. It was like…
Nathan: She's real weird.
Dick: Yeah, it was like…that date was, like, a real dead fish.
Maddox: Yeah? Did she come over to your place and smell your sheets? (Nathan laughs)
Dick: No, actually, I let her split the tab, which I usually never do.
Nathan: Ooh.
Dick: But that's how bad it was. I was like. "This is an abortion."
Maddox: She turned you into a feminist. Big problem.
Dick: Yeah. The date was so bad, I turned into a feminist. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, Buckley, so we're gonna link to your Twitter account. It's @duplicitron, right?
Nathan: That's right, yeah.
Maddox: Uh, pretty funny, guys. I didn't do it justice on the show, but…I consistently laughed my ass off when I reading it. Uh, thanks again for joining us, and your problem was?
Nathan: Uh, the Travel Bug.
Dick: Wait, how did you like writing for the live show?
Nathan: Uh, l loved it.
Dick: Yeah?
Nathan: Super fun, yeah.
Dick: Was it weird?
Nathan: Yeeah.
Dick: Yeah? (Nathan chuckles) 'Cause you also came to the taping.
Nathan: I was surprised at what went over well and what didn't. Like, it was kinda swapped in my mind, you know?
Dick: Huh.
Nathan: But…
Maddox: I expected everything to just be smooth sailing, baby!! Yeah. So we're coming out Thursday, February 5th, is our launch date for the live show.
Nathan: Cool.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: And we'll be posting it online. Everyone will be able to see it. Uh, thanks…thanks again for writing on that show. It's hilarious. Consistently funny stuff.
Nathan: Yeah.
Maddox: Um, anyway, Dick. And your problem…
Dick: My problem is The No Fun League.
Maddox: No Fun league.
Dick: The NFL.
Maddox: Booo hooo.
(Closing riff starts)
Dick: Buckley's is the…what's your problem, Buckley?
Nathan: Travelling.
Dick: The Travel Bug.
Maddox: People bit by the travel bug. Thanks for listening, guys.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "I just called in to give Dick Masterson a couple of quick tips on how to get those sheets on the bed, since it's so goddamn difficult. (Sean and Maddox laugh) Uh, step 1. Take your head out of your asshole. (Maddox and Nathan crack up) Step 2, put the sheets on the fuckin' bed.")
Dick: That's not a very good tip. (Nathan laughs)
Maddox: That's the entire tip.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "I'm that Kingpin. You insulted Fireball Whiskey for the last time. (Maddox laughs) I'm coming for you, and when I find you, I'm gonna rip your head off and shit down your neck!")
Maddox: Sounds like your Kingpin is either Batman or Duke Nukem. (laughs)
Dick: (Nathan laughing) He doesn't know. He doesn't know which he was doing.
Maddox: Yeah. Identity crisis. (grins)
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey, Dick and Maddox. I'm calling about the um…Dick's bullshit second problem last week, uh, Changing The Sheets. (Dick groans) Now, if Dick's problem wasn't changing the sheets, what you're doing is called humble bragging, which is what Maddox needs to bring in for a problem this week. He's talking about 'Ohhh, change the sheets, it's such a pain in the ass, man. (whiny voice) Oh, I banged this girl, uuugggh… (Maddox: Yeeeeep. Dick: I did.) she rocked my world, my sheets were all sweaty and I had to change themmmmm. Such a pain in the ass. Then I banged another girl the neeeext day and another girl the day after that. (Dick: Did do that.) Oh my god, change the sheeeeeeeets, so muuuuch, oooh. (whines) (Maddox: Oh.)I'm just getting so much pussy, it's just, like…(Maddox: Yeah.) it's almost not worth it 'cause the sheet…(Dick cracks up) YEAH, BULLSHIT. You sound like a dude who doesn't get laid very often and this is coming from a dude who doesn't get laid very often, so I'm onto your bullshit. (Maddox and Nathan laugh) Alright, see you guys, love the show. Gonna switch it up a little bit. Maddox, you're an asshole. Peace.")
Maddox: That's bullshit.
Dick: That's good.
Maddox: Anyway, Dick. Yeah. He totally got your number, dude. That was a humble brag. Someone else wrote that in the comments, too. This guy named Aaron Blackham. He basically was like, "Ohhhhh, I'm having so much sexy sex here, I'm bangin' so many chicks."
Dick: I was gonna bring it in the week before. And then it wouldn't have been a humble brag, so. I mean, you know. You can vouch for that. That I wanted to bring that problem in the prior week when I didn't have those stories about banging those girls.
Maddox: Yeah. That's true. (grins) 'Cause I'm sure you wouldn't have lied. (laughs)
Dick: I don't lie. (Maddox cracks up) I don't lie about something as serious as that.
Maddox: That's the biggest fuckin' lie!
Dick: I don't lie on this show.