Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 35

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

Today's show is brought to you by Harry's! Please visit and use promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save 5$ off your first purchase .

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: What's up buddy? How's it going?

Maddox: Great. And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome!

Sean: Morning, psychopaths. (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, that's a new one.

Dick: Somebody in the comments said that you should have a fedora and just say "Milady" for your greeting. (they all laugh)

Maddox: Yeah. When we have some more ladies on the show, which will be never, 'cause you…(laughs)

Sean: One of you got drawn as one the other week.

Maddox: Yeah. That was me.

Dick: Oh yeah, that was great.

Maddox: That was me. You know, the…guy who runs THE biggest Metal Gear Solid fan site on Facebook, who has been contacted by Konami and everything, he sent me an updated version. He made me as Big Boss.

Dick: I don't know what that means.

Maddox: Yeah, of course not, Dick! 'Cause you don't play cool-ass video games.

Dick: Well, what does it mean?

Maddox: Oh, Big Boss? He's, like, the big…like, the bad guy in…Metal Gear Solid, yeah.

Dick: Oh, he's the bad guy of Metal Gear Solid?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, the picture of us that was drawn, what was I? I was a man shooting guns.

Maddox: Mmmm. (skeptical)

Dick: And you were a woman. What characters were we?

Maddox: I forget. Uh…I'm not sure, 'cause there were multiple women in the Metal Gear series. Probably the woman from the first…er…the second one, when they did that big 3D Playstation release?

Dick: Okay, so who's Solid Snake? Who's Solid Snake?

Maddox: Solid Snake is the main guy.

Dick: Is that me?

Maddox: I don't…I don't think so.

Dick: In the picture?

Maddox: You're not a Solid Snake.

Dick: Alright. (Maddox laughs) This…I don't care about video games. What I DO care about is who won last week?!

Maddox: Dick, nobody won. However, the problems that got the most votes were "Lesser Minds", huh?

Dick: Ohhhh. That's…yeah. It's not a surprise that people voting on the Internet think they're better than everyone else.

Maddox: No, it's not about that, Dick.

Dick: That's basically what that is.

Maddox: It's about sound arguments and "Detox Diets". Those are my two problems!

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Oh, thank you. Thank you, audience.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Uh, my two problems trounced "Hangovers". "Hangovers" came in dead last. So, a lot of people thought that hangovers were a problem because they personally related to it. It's like, "Oh, yeah. I don't like hangovers." But, if you think about it, in the grand scheme of things, what is the biggest problem?

Dick: Hangovers.

Maddox: Yeah. No, it's not.

Dick: Oh, it's "Lesser Minds"? It's…everyone thinks they're better than everyone else?

Maddox: Dick, it's not about that. Lesser minds cause problems as we'll see in today's episode.

Dick: Yeah, but it's subjective to you!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you're the one determining who the lesser minds are. Isn't that a little…(grins)

Maddox: No, it's not, Dick. A lesser mind…you can be objective about that. Certain people who do and say dumb things I think can be objectively considered stupid.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Right? Um, so I don't…

Dick: (interjects) Stupid is as stupid does. That's what you're saying?

Maddox: No, not at all. (laughs) I'm not quoting a movie, Dick. Um, I did…so I don't think that this show's a contest. It never has been. It's…it creates an adversarial atmosphere; however, a fan did send this in. He wanted me to play it for when "I won", which I don't…I don't win. We don't win.

Dick: It's a song?

Maddox: It's a song. He made this.

(Clip starts…heavy electric guitar riff with drums…heavy metal screamer voice…"MADDOX WON!!!" (Dick and Maddox crack up) "MADDOX WON!!" "MADDOX WON!!" (Maddox: Very angry) (Maddox laughs) (Dick: This song is kinda long. Oh, there we go.))

Maddox: It's about as long as yours, man!! There you go.

Dick: That's a cool song.

Maddox: Yeah, it's kinda cool.

Dick: Who wrote it?

Maddox: Uh, yeah, the guy's name is Nicholas. It's just Nick. He sent that in, uh…a couple of weeks ago, and he asked me to play it on the air. Over Mortal.

Dick: And then you finally won, so you…

Maddox: (interjects) Dick, no one wins on the show. It's not a contest. It's not an adversary.

Dick: Alright, alright. So, speaking of songs. There was some debate over what the chords were for the "Maddox Lost" song in the comments? (Maddox giggles) It's C G A minor F. Just to put that to bed.

Maddox: I noticed someone put the chords as they interpreted them in the comments. I guess the…why is this even a thing?! Why do people care?

Dick: 'Cause people want to play it, I think. So cover it and send it in, I'll play it.

Maddox: Great. Oh, great, guys.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: I'll play it. You know what? I'm gonna play your song, Dick. I'll bring in a cover. Next week I'll bring in a cover. Regardless of who "won". Uh, no one wins on the show, but…except for me. Um, I have a comment from Kelly Pigeon. This is an email she sent. She said,"Since Dick is a giant pussy…(Sean laughs)..and you're an asshole…(Maddox giggles) Sean is the dick that fucked you both when he deleted the podcast." (laughs)(Sean groans)

Dick: Oh, I have…I have a voicemail about that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I…I think…I'm starting to think all these calls from 2004 are a joke and they're not real, but I do have one from Sean from 2004.

Maddox: Oh.

(Voice mail: "Hello. I'm Sean from 2004. (Maddox laughs) I don't delete episodes.")

Dick: That's it. (Maddox laughing) It's concise. That's a good voice mail.

Sean: This fucking thing is never going to die. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: Sean, it's part of the fabric that makes this show, now. That's it. It's just one quilt.

Sean: You know, I actually like it.

Maddox: Yeah?! (laughs)

Sean: I'm glad it created so much content.

Maddox: Well, that's great, Sean. It's part of it. And by the way, um…Sean, this is totally unrelated to our show, but I was listening to the Adam Carolla Show awhile back…you know one of his engineer is Bald Brian, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Sounds so much like Sean. I was listening to Bald Brian and I'm like, "Wow, that sounds a lot like Sean."

Sean: We all sound the same.

Maddox: Yeah! (guffaws)

Sean: Like life has fucking crushed us all.

Maddox: Alright, Dick. What do you got?

Dick: Here's a call from a fan favorite. You might remember this caller.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Voice mail: (male voice with weird leprechaun/pirate voice) Good day to ya, boys. This be Bono. (Maddox and Sean laughing) I heard your last episode and figured I'd call in and tell you my New Year's resolution. ( Maddox: Great. (laughing) The resolution be, "Never play guitar again." That should be an easy one to keep. (Maddox laughs) Now, for the record, boys, the media twisted the story on the accident. You see…")

Dick: You know what he's talking about, right? Bono got nailed by, like, a car or something? What happened?

Maddox: He fell off his bike or something stupid, and he…

Dick: (interjects) He fell of a bike.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He's probably so busy singing beautifully to himself.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Sean: He crashed his bike and, like, really fucked himself up. I explained this, like…like five episodes ago.

Maddox: Yeah. You mentioned it.

Dick: Oh. Good for you.

Maddox: Biggest solution in the universe…bicycles! They took Bono's shitty playing off the Earth. You're welcome, everyone.

Dick: Alright. So that's what Bono's talking about here when he called in.

Maddox: Yeah. Let's hear the rest of it.

(Voice mail continues: "…I wasn't just out for a ride, like they say. I was being pursued by a couple of kids after me pot o' gold." (Maddox, Dick, and Sean crack up) I made a sharp turn and ended up in a pool of me own blood n' marshmallows. (Maddox still laughing) The kids made off with me loot and now I walk the streets with a vengeance. So that's the real story. I don't know why anyone would believe the other one. Finally, having a music career is more fucked than a Scottish sheep farm. (All crack up again, loudly) Not a lot for what to do with meself. I'd like to know more about Seanny boy's Chinese Ass Farm. That sounds like something old Bono could really sink his teeth into. (Dick: Yeah. (laughing) Maddox laughs) Until next time, fellas. May the wind always be at your back. And Dick, go fuck yourself." )

Dick: I don't think that's an Irish saying.

Maddox: What's the phrase he used? Did he say "more fucked than a Scottish sheep farm?"

Dick: A Scottish Sheep farm. (Maddox guffaws)

Maddox: Oh, that's a lot of fucked. Um…wow. Great voice mail.

Dick: Great.

Maddox: I didn't know. So, as much as we shit on Bono on this show, I didn't know he was such a big fan. Uh, thanks again for calling in, Bono.

Dick: Yeah, apparently while he's recovering, he's probably listening to this show, and I guess leaving voice mails. You wanna hear another one?

Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.

Dick: Let's see.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey guys. This is Will from Florida. Here's one for your Dick Versus Dick segment. In the last episode, Dick talks about how hangovers are one of the biggest problems in the universe. (Maddox: Yeah. Dick: Yeah.)And then 20 minutes later, he said that people who put shit in their bodies just to make themselves sick could go fuck themselves. ( Dick: Yeah. (laughs) Maddox laughs) Dick can go fuck himself.")

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I didn't even think of that until, like 100 people left comments saying the exact same thing, like, "Oh yeah, I guess that's…I guess, in a way…that's true."

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Um, here. I think it's appropriate to play this.

(Ritzy theme music starts, "DICK VERSUS DICK")

Dick: Ugh, God.

Maddox: In retrospect. (laughs)

Dick: I got about a thousand hangover cures, by the way. They're all like, "Eat a cheeseburger before bed." "Drink Gatorade before bed."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, "Stop drinking before bed." (Sean laughs) Like, guys…(Maddox chuckles) Please. That's the solution to not be hung over? Don't drink? Get the hell outta here!

Maddox: You know, Dick. The reason you got, like, a thousand solutions to being hung over is because it's not a big problem.

Dick: I guess not.

Maddox: It's a problem that you can choo…you can just avoid by not drinking in excess, or…

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Dick Masterson, you fuckin' idiot. (Maddox laughs) (silly voice) 'I wake up with a hangover, oh golly me!! Oh my, what a drag.' (Maddox and Dick crack up) Drink some fuckin' water! When you wake up with a hangover, you're mostly dehydrated. Drink a glass of fucking water every three drinks. (Maddox laughs) You idiot. ")

Dick: Well.

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Drink water. Drink a cup of water.

Dick: Drink water. (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah. Just drink a cup of water. There you go. I have a comment. Um, there's some comments from the Comment section. (giggles) This is fromNiko Melchiori. He says, "Maddox, if you hate monkeys so much, why do you have one on the show with you week after week? I don't get it." And then someone commented in response to him, Handy Andy Pandy, he says, "Hey, fuck you. Sean is awesome." (Sean laughs loudly)

Dick: Yeah, I agree. (Maddox laughs) Let's see. I got…Moses Simiyu, "Please let Sean bring in a problem. His voice is sexy." And then there's a little heart. "Oh yeah, Dick is an asshole." Ehhh. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Oh. Sean.

Dick: And then there was one from Scott Miller. You know the guy that you based the "Lesser Minds" problem on? You remember that guy?

Maddox: Uh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Dick: His comment. And you basically just tore him up. (Maddox snorts) He said he's bummed. True or false. Is that an accurate statement?

Maddox: Well, yeah. Well…I was attacking all lesser minds, not just is. But okay, go on.

Dick: Okay, sorry, my lesser mind can't piece together what I'm trying to say properly. (Maddox laughs) He left a big comment saying…and part of it was "I'm bummed Dick didn't back me up." Uh, Scott, the first thing I said was, "You got Maddox's number." (Maddox chuckles) That's the very first thing I said. What is more to say? Point number two. If you make a comment. If you call someone out for something that you think they're doing. Like, if you accuse somebody of something and they give you a 20-minute defense of why they're not doing it? You won!

Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)

Dick: You have them on the ropes! That's when you double down.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: That's when you just throw your hands up. You don't say anything. You drop the mic and you walk away.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause they just validated everything you said.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: I didn't need to back the guy up. That's all I'm saying.

Maddox: Are you talking about me, Dick? Or his long, rambling, three-four paragraph comment?

Dick: Which one? Number one or number two?

Maddox: Number two.

Dick: Number two. Yeah. He…I guess that's what I'm talking about, sure. It didn't need to be said.

Maddox: So you're saying I won. That's what you're saying. I did the mic drip. I should have…no, uh…Dick, here's the thing. It was a problem, like, the comment…it was a rebuttal to his comment and I addressed it because I didn't want to address it in the Comments section. It gets lost, it gets buried in Facebook's weird ranking system, or whatever. Uh, but it…it did lead to an interesting thing. I have so many more examples of lesser minds and so many more rules that I use. And I'll bring those in at some point. I'll bring up lesser minds again at some point, so. Yeah. That's coming.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I didn't want to just make it based on that one comment, though. There's a lot of…there are a lot of problems in this world caused by lesser minds. But speaking of, Dick. What's your problem this week?

Dick: My first problem this week is…get ready for this. I took a long time thinking of a clever pun for this one. (grins)

Maddox: Great.

Dick: Okay? Manspreading Discontent.

Maddox: Okay. (laughing) Alright, Dick. Before the show, we debated this…the name of this problem. Went back and forth. Came up with some clever ones. And then we went with this, huh?

Dick: Yeah! "Manspreading Discontent".

Maddox: Manspreading discontent.

Dick: 'Cause it's manspreading? Do you know what manspreading is?

Maddox: I do, but let's explain it for people who don't.

Dick: I'm gonna read it right off the New York Times.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Manspreading. "It's the bane of many female subway riders. It's a scourge tracked on blogs and on Twitter." Whoa, both.

Maddox: That's…that's some serious authority there.

Dick: "And it has a name almost as distasteful as the practice itself. It is "manspreading". The lay it all out sitting style that more than a few men see as their inalienable underground right. Now, passengers who consider such inelegant male postures as infringing…" So you understand what that is?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is men on the subway sitting comfortably.

Maddox: Um, not just comfortably, Dick. But also…I mean, yeah. They're sitting comfortably, but there's a lot of reasons that sometimes….

Dick: (interjects) But hold on. Don't move from where you're sitting right now.

Maddox: Yeah. Right, right.

Dick: Okay? 'Cause I'm gonna look under the table and see what you're doing with your thighs.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: (pause) They're spread apart.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you…on the subway, what you're doing…

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Would be considered "manspreading".

Maddox: Um, I guess.

Dick: I mean, look…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, the distance between your knees.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Measure it out. What is that, like 2 and a half feet?

Maddox: It's about five feet, yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) That is egregious. You, right now, are committing an egregious act of manspreading in this studio.

Maddox: Dick, I like to sit spreadeagle. And by the way, when women do it, it's spreadeagle. When guys do it, it's manspreading? That's…that seems sexist. Why don't you just call the guys spreadeagle too?

Dick: This is what a feminist blogger says about it. "Manspreading is an assertion of male dominance."

Maddox: Mmkay. (skeptical)

Dick: Are you asserting your male dominance right now? (giggles)

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. I am consciously asserting my male dominance at EVERY chance I get, because it DEFINES me as a human being. I have nothing else going on in my fucking life! It's always an agenda with me!!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'm not…I'm not sitting here comfortably!!! I'm asserting my authority as man!!

Dick: It's not 'cause you're a 6 foot 2, 200-something pound man who just, like, when you sit in a seat, you crumple into it, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's how you sit. This is just how my limbs fall.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Slightly spread.

Maddox: You know…you know, it sounds like the problem here, Dick, is they want us to apologize for taking up space.

Dick: Exactly. That's why I say it's "Manspreading Discontent".

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're spreading discontent for nothing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is just guys sitting comfortably on the subway because subway seats are designed for children! (yells) Like, feel the chairs that we're sitting in.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: These are about…I take the subway a lot in LA and they're the same as they are in New York.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: This is about the size of a subway chair. Okay? It is BARELY big enough to hold my back.

Maddox: We're sitting in some pink Ikea fold-out chairs. (laughing)

Dick: They're fold-out chairs. But it's approximately the size of a subway chair.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright? This is…the world is designed. The world of mass transit is designed in what we're sitting on.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it's not big enough to hold a man.

Maddox: So, Dick, is there anything else in that New York Times article you wanted to read? Because…does it mention anything in there about…because manspreading seems like a specifically male problem. They're saying that this is something that men do. Does it talk about womenspreading, like, say, I don't know, bags, ang bags, and bags of shopping and groceries and purses, and fucking just everything? Because it's not something that just men do. It's something that inconsiderate people do. I get it. If I'm on a subway and I'm taking up a lot of space and it's busy and packed, yeah, I'm going to try to be more considerate so more people can fit on.

Dick: So you would say, what kind of a slogan do you think would fit this egregious, inconsiderate claim you're making to space on the subway? If it's something that men and women do, men with their thighs ridiculously spread like they're in a Penthouse centerfold. (annoyed)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And women with all their baggage and dogs and horseshit. What do you think that a proper slogan might be?

Maddox: Well, this might be insightful and outrageous, but stay with me. It's called "be considerate". How's that for a slogan? And, by the way, Dick. This "be considerate" slogan, can we extend those to fat people? Uh, are they fatspreading?

Dick: Ohh.

Maddox: Ohh! Ohh, ooh, ohh. Hold on.

Dick: Hold on, you can't do that. (grins)

Maddox: Oh, we crossed the line here? I'm sorry. Now we're getting into the "healthy at any size" movement, aren't we?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Now we can't fat shame, but it's okay to fit shame. It's okay to manspread shame, or whatever the fuck they call it, but they have to make…they have to add gender into this, don't they? They have to introduce gender into it. Because they have an agenda.

Dick: So here's what the actual slogan is, that the MTA, the governing body for the subway. The people that are supposed to provide you with a safe and comfortable ride…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: While you go about your daily business. "Dude…stop the spread, please."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Dude.

Maddox: Dude.

Dick: And there's a big picture of a red guy.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like, a red stick man sitting comfortably in a seat that's designed for a child sitting on the subway.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: While some poor woman. Some POOOOOOOR woman has to STAND.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Next to him. God forbid.

Maddox: So, there was this article on Mic, I think, where this chick went through…she, like, spent her entire fucking day on the New York subway, just "manspreading".

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And she found that very few people said anything at all, and in fact, most people just lived with it, and a few people…and then a guy did the same thing, except he also put his little man purse next to him to see if people would…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then, yeah, people commented. People told him to move it when they wanted to.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: What's the problem here, people? Is it the problem that you're too much of a fucking pussy to speak up and ask someone to make some more space?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Is that the problem?

Dick: That's it. That's it.

Maddox: That's all it comes down to. It's the same thing as the selfie stick. That's what this is.

Dick: I do wanna say…not only did the woman get, like, dirty looks and stares…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But she said, "Also, people took a bunch of pictures of me."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And this is…they got…Mic got this hot…she's hot. This girl who did this experiment?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: She is sitting with her knees in other time zones.

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs)

Dick: Like, did you happen to see the video?

Maddox: Oh, yeah, I saw that. Yeah.

Dick: I mean, this is, like…it looks freakish and uncomfortable no matter where you go.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So you walk onto the subway and it's like…it's like an alien in a hot woman suit trying to, like, do her impersonation of what it's like to sit.

Maddox: She looked like a cheerleader doing the splits in the air.

Dick: Yeah. It looks pornographic. (Maddox laughs) It's ridiculous. People are taking pictures of this, and she's like, "I couldn't believe it!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, well…

Maddox: Well…you're airing out your vagina, I mean, you know. (Dick giggles) There's this article on Jezebel, Dick. It's called "Men's Rights Groups Demand That Their Balls Be Allowed to Breathe on Buses."

Dick: Oh, men's rights groups, man. (sighs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They are, like, a caricature of No Ma'am.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: Like, they make No Ma'am sound reasonable.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Whenever they have a response to anything, I'm like, "Guuuuuuys, come on. Didn't you run it by…couldn't you run it by a woman first?"

Maddox: Or run it by me. I'll edit your stupid pieces.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um, I'm embarrassed of the men's rights movement, as I am feminism. Modern feminism, today. It's no longer what it used to be. Um, so this guy says, "Unless one is suffering from some kind of condition, most men can, in fact, keep their legs closed and even cross them, but they shouldn't on a public transit. Constricting the testicles and yet keeping them totally safe." So this guy's saying that most men can, in fact, cross their legs and keep them closed and keeping their testicles safe. But what he kinda glosses over here. This is just one sentence in this entire article devoted to the fact that some people may have a condition.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright? Some people may have a medical condition. They might have something going on with them that they have to sit that way. So are we gonna start legislating some kind of new uh…standard, some etiquette standard where we have etiquette police going around asking people for their medical conditions on subways? Excuse me, do you have a rash, sir? Do you HAVE to sit that way? Can we check between your legs? Let's see! Do you have a doctor's note? Can you…can you justify the way you're sitting? 'Cause sometimes, it's not just men or women. I've seen people who have medical conditions, and it's none of your fucking business the way they sit. Maybe they have something going on, guys. You don't know.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: It's none of our fucking business.

Dick: Well, the one part I read from the New York Times, which was interesting, was the sentence, "With crime no longer running rampant on the subway, the campaign is the latest sign that other unwelcome behavior is getting attention." So…it's…you know. I have this theory that people are gonna be the same amount of pissed off no matter what.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's not a very good theory. (Maddox laughs) It's not a very well thought-out theory, but it's this. You got crime, right? Everybody has…everybody has so much amount of pissed off to be.

Maddox: Well.

Dick: And when there's crime, yeah, it fits.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause…you don't wanna have your things stolen.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And you don't wanna get stabbed. But then, now that there's not as much crime on the subway, we still gotta be that amount of pissed off.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So it's time to find something else.

Maddox: Well, we used to have things like wars, Dick. I had a theory that's very similar…actually, I do think it's a sound theory. We used to have things like wars to worry about. We used to have things like the Red Scare. We were worried about communism. That was our outrageous devil, right?

Dick: And that was hysteria, though? The Red Scare?

Maddox: Oh, of course, it was all hysteria.

Dick: Yeah. Mhmm.

Maddox: But we ne…I think that there's a certain segment of this population who, no matter what, are always going to try to find something to be outraged about.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Or hysterical about. And if it's not the Red Scare, if it's not communism, if it's not the Cold War, if it's not Nazis from World War II, if it's not the Korean conflict, or Pol Pot, it's something. There's always something. And there's no big war going on right now, so, you know, people are outraged about "manspreading". They're inventing. That's what they're doing. They're inventing a reason to exist. They're inventing…and they all just jump on the bandwagon and they lock arms in a big, weepy, teary, jerkoff fest of just crying and weakness. That's what this is.

Dick: Here's what Mic said about it. Uh…M-I-C.

Maddox: I won't link to them, by the way, so, uhh..use them as a source. Go ahead.

Dick: Good. Uh, "Women and men are equal under the law." True…do we agree so far?

Maddox: Yeah. It's…

Dick: Good way to start a thought.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Something that's blatantly true and inarguable, right?

Maddox: Well, mostly. Uh, women still don't have to sign up for Selective Service.

Dick: (laughs) Well, Maddox, please.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: You're getting…you're going off into the weeds.

Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)

Dick: "Women and men are equal under the law, and that includes the right to feel safe and comfortable in public places." (guffaws)

Maddox: Is that a law? (laughs)

Dick: This is…I don't even know that would…how to you codify that?! (yells)

Maddox: I don't know, man.

Dick: It's your legal right to feel comfortable in public. (laughing)

Maddox: And safe. Unless you want to spread your legs a little bit because you may have a medical condition or something going on. Or big balls.

Dick: (exhales) Ugh.

Maddox: Like, who knows. I don't know, man. I've seen guys…I've seen some guys sit very…what's it, demurely? They sit very…they take up very little space.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: They cross their legs. And they are comfortable that way. And I've seen guys who kind of, like, spread out. Look, just don't be a dick! Uh, you know. Be considerate. And, by the way, there's a big asterisk when I say "Don't be a dick." Because I think that dicks are sometimes good. You need dicks in this world.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I'm not talking about my cohost here. Um, but…you need people who are kind of assholes sometimes. That's what "Rude People" was my solution in this month's solution episode.

Dick: I'll tell you what I do. You know what I do, that's kind of…that is kind of what you're saying? If there's a line for the men's bathroom and there's not one for the women's…I use the women's bathroom.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: 10 times outta 10.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Keep things going, man.

Maddox: Yeah, it is. (giggles) It's considerate, Dick. That's another thing that rude people do. Okay, I'm talking about my solution now.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Um, but Dick, yeah. This is…so, the problem here is "Manspreading Discontent", which is kind of a clever title the more I think about it.

Dick: Thank you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) It didn't take me any time at all to think of it, either.

Maddox: Ookay, yeah. (skeptical)

Dick: Here's some quotes from guys. Uh, Fabio Pancierro from the New York Times. "I'm not gonna cross my legs like ladies do. I'm gonna sit how I wanna sit."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what…so.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: I guess the campaign probably won't be effective. (grins)

Maddox: This guy's diggin' his heels in.

Dick: I just laugh at the ad and hope someone graffitis over it. I brought in some stats! (excited) for you.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Yeah, I got some stats for you. Um, so they did this experiment that showed people who assume expansive postures were more likely to steal money, cheat on a test, and commit traffic violations.

Maddox: Um, okay.

Dick: I dunno if that changes your opinion of this manspreading thing.

Maddox: Well, yeah, but they didn't control for a lot of variables, there. Because these people who, say, supposedly cheat on tests and commit crimes, or whatever, they're also men. If it's just men, then yeah, men are more likely to commit crimes across the board. They're more likely to commit violence and murder and sexual assault and all sorts of crimes. Men are just more likely to commit that.

Dick: That's true. I knew you'd have a good answer for that study. (Maddox laughs) That's why I brought it in.

Maddox: You know, Dick, there was another article…I couldn't find it before the episode aired, but there was a girl who spent all day on a subway manspreading. It was not this hot chick that they got from It was another girl who had, like, pink hair or something like that. And she said she spent the entire day, and she was hoping for a conclusion, right? Her conclusion she was hoping for was that people would call her rude, whereas they wouldn't call a guy rude, so she wanted to show that there was some kind of sexual discrimination in our society.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: She didn't find that conclusion. What she did find was that near the end of the day, she thought nothing of it, and she felt empowered, and she said she felt fine. She said, by the end of the day, she felt like she was almost entitled to do that. I'm like, well, kinda, yeah. I mean, you can sit however you want. You can be an asshole if you want. Nobody said anything to her all day long.

Dick: I mean, isn't there, like, a trade-off? Like don't we…isn't this established? Like, look, you get up…if you're a man, you get up for old people, you get up for women.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: You just do. I do. I'm on the subway…

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: It's like, look. Alright. You're walkin' around in heels, you probably had a rough day.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's not comfortable for a woman to sit around and have guys circle her. So sit down. Here. Have this seat. But by the same token, the other side of the coin is, if I can sit down, fuck, I'm huge, alright?! I got a lot of weight to carry around all day, just lemme ooze into the seat a little bit!! (angry) My back hurts! My feet hurt. Lemme do it!! Lemme spread out a little bit. Lemme be comfortable, for fuck's sake.

Maddox: Yeah. Uh, well, on that token, Dick, then someone who is forced to stand because you're taking up more space could also make that argument, that they are uncomfortable and their back hurts and their feet hurt.

Dick: Just ask! Don't be so afraid!

Maddox: Yeah, just ask. Don't be so afraid. Don't be a fucking pussy. How's that for a slogan? Don't be a fucking pussy. And use the word "fucking" in there. I'm sorry, Cuss Control.

Dick: Hashtag.

Maddox: Fudging.

Dick: Don't be a pussy.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Brought to you by the MTA.

Maddox: Don't be a pussy. No, it's, um…"Be considerate". I think that's the…that's the slogan here. That's the…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but do you…it's, like, pre-emptive "Be considerate". Like…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's (stammers) not a big deal for you to come over…why are you so afraid of engaging with another person and saying, "Hey dude, can you scoot your knee over?"

Maddox: Get a fucking backbone. How's that for an MTA campaign, dipshits?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, by the way, by the way, Dick, you know what would actually make a precipitous difference on the New York subway system? Telling people to move the fuck over on an escalator. Or just stand to the right on escalators. That's what every Asian culture I've ever been to. Every Asian, uh, you know. Like, the Hong Kong subway system, in Tokyo, people stand to the right or stand to the left to let people pass you if they need to! That's not a fucking thing in America and it needs to be! (excited) Also, how about standing to the side and letting people who are trying to get off the subway get off before you try to board. Those are things that could make an actual difference, and nobody's making nearly as much of a stink, because there's no feminist agenda to wedge in there!

Dick: You're right. And we had those ads in the 40s.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In the 40s, it was, um. I forget what it was exactly, but there were ads like, "Hey lady, hit him again." For guys who are blocking the door?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "Hit him again. None of us like door blockers." Basically saying, like, don't be so timid. Hit him again.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How about that ad?

Maddox: Grow a backbone.

Dick: Just tell 'em to move over.

Maddox: Tell 'em to move over.

Dick: Why is it…why is it some guys who sit comfortably? I'm looking around at three other men, and all of you are taking up three seats on the subway. Every single one of you.

Maddox: Yeah. Yep, well. Alright, Dick.

Dick: Discontent.

Maddox: Discontent.

Dick: See how discontented I am?

Maddox: You are pretty discontent. But let's…is that all you got, Dick? Or is it time for a new problem?

Dick: That's it. Yeah, go ahead.

Maddox: A REAL problem, huh?!

Dick: Alright, before you go on, I just have to mention this.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Today's show…(laughs) Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit and use promo code BIGGEST PROBLEM to save 5 dollars off your first purchase. Are you familiar with Harry's, Maddox? Have you been using your Harry's shave kit?

Maddox: I swear to god, I'm still using my Harry's shave kit.

Dick: Me too. Dude, you know what I did. So, I've been…by the way, it's a new year. It's a new you. It's time to change your look. (Maddox laughs) You might not agree, but I certainly do. I started shaving a lot more after we got those free kits.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Harry's sent us starter kits so we would talk about them on the air, obviously.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And I started using it, like, almost religiously, man. I don't know, I figure it's, like…

Maddox: Almost…

Dick: I'm older, yeah, almost religiously.

Maddox: …religiously, Dick?

Dick: I'm not an extremist about it.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: But I do use it quite often. So I was using it, um, this weekend. I was shaving and I was like, "Oh, I'll switch back to the Mach III and see how it feels." Now I hate the Mach III. I swear to god, that's true.

Maddox: You hate…so, hate is a very strong word, Dick.

Dick: No. Now, I find the Harry's better. I switched immediately back to the Harry's.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: The Harry's blade.

Maddox: Yeah, no. I agree. There's something about the metal they use in these blades, I think, that makes them stronger. Because my blades are not getting nicked at all.

Dick: No. Well, Harry's bought a blade factory in Germany. I'm reading this off the thing. "Harry's bought a blade factory in Germany that has been crafting some of the world's highest quality blades for almost a century. By cutting out the middle man, they can offer an amazing shave at a fraction of the price of drugstore brands." And they'll ship it right to your house, how about that? Shipping's free. No shipping.

Maddox: You don't even have to le…you know, I was arguing with somebody awhile back about…what…it was about my cell phone, Dick.

Dick: (laughs) Oh, God. (scoffs) How much of your life is spent arguing about cell phones?

Maddox: Probably 30%. I was talking about how I can order new batteries if I want to and I don't have to go to an Apple store, and I can leave my front door unlocked, and if I wanted to, they would probably bring it right to my chair, 'cause if they delivery guy came to my place, he knocked on the door, and I said, "Just bring it in!!"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I was like "I'll give you 5 bucks, just bring it to my desk." I wouldn't even have to stand up. And Harry's could do that for you! You could do the exact same thing with Harry's. Have them bring it…

Dick: So not delivered to your door. This delivers it right to your fat ass on the computer. (Maddox laughs) That should be their slogan.

Maddox: Yep. And you can sit however you want at your computer. No manspreading complaints there.

Dick: (laughing) Their starter kit is 15 bucks. Go to now and Harry's will give you 5$ off if you type in the code BIGGESTPROBLEM with your first purchase. That's (spells the website). Coupon code. BIGGESTPROBLEM. Alright.

Maddox: Alright, Dick. In light of everything going on in the news, uh…Charlie Hebdo was attacked in France.

Dick: Yeah. I heard about that.

Maddox: Uh, Satirist Magazine. It's a satire magazine. It's similar to the Onion, but in France, and they…it's more like…it has more of a political bent in France, and they were attacked recently by some gunmen, some terrorists who were offended that they depicted Mohammed, the prophet of Islam, in their magazine.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: As a cartoon. In a disrespectful way.

Dick: They regularly ran disrespectful cartoons about…

Maddox: Correct.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: They did. They ran cartoons about Christian prophets. Jesus is in their magazine. And Jewish prophets, and Islamic prophets. They satirized all religion. And they satirized most public figures. This was a magazine that didn't really hold punches, with very few exceptions. So they got attacked. 12 people were killed. Uh, maybe…I think the final number may be even higher. A couple of people were saved. They didn't attack women, whatever. But the problem, here, Dick.

Dick: They didn't?

Maddox: No. They let women…they consider it some sacred law that they don't attack women and children, so they didn't…

Dick: (interjects) Muslims do? Or these guys did?

Maddox: These guys did.

Dick: Oh, that's weird.

Maddox: Yeah. Terrorists are actually…they weirdly, staunchly adhere to this. They try not to kill women and children. But…

Dick: (interjects) So can you wear, like, a wig? And get out?

Maddox: Well, I mean, you can.

Dick: Okay. (grins)

Maddox: I don't…no matter how much wig or makeup I put on, they know I'm a dude.

Dick: It's like the Predator.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When you put down your gun, he won't attack you.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Because the Predator wants a challenge. He wants a trophy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, Dick. Um, the problem here isn't so much that…you know, the magazine…well, it isn't so much that these people were killed by these terrorists. The problem, I think, is satire. We need to end satire.

Dick: Really? (skeptical)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We need to end satire?

Maddox: Yeah. Satire is the problem, Dick.

Dick: (chuckles) Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. Satire is a big problem, because without satire, no one would be dead today! Huh?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We'd be living in a more peaceful society without satire, Dick.

Dick: No, I agree.

Maddox: We need to end satire. What we should do is ban all satire. If it weren't for satire, think of all the extremists who would be happier today. What we should do is create a National Thought Registry. (Sean laughs) Kind of like that Copyright and Patent Office, where ideas are submitted and then a team of thought police reads your writing and determines whether or not it will offend somebody indirectly.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If it does, you get three warnings, and then incarceration. This is the only solution to terrorist attacks. We should stop producing satire.

Dick: Satire?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, you're going straight to jail. (grins)

Maddox: (stammers) Wha…wai…hold on!!

Dick: 'Cause that was satire.

Maddox: No, this is not satire, guys! (Dick laughs) Yeah, this is not…this is actually absolutely not satire. I think we should end satire.

Dick: No?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Oh, okay. I thought you were being satirical.

Maddox: No.

Dick: But you're being serious…

Maddox: (interjects) I'm being totally serious, man.

Dick: Who's gonna run the Thought Police?

Maddox: Uhh…just…I think it's a group.

Dick: The extremists, probably. They're pretty good at telling what's too much.

Maddox: Yeah. The extremists…(Sean laughs) The extremists are good at picking extreme people. But I think that it shouldn't be a democracy. It shouldn't be voted upon.

Dick: No.

Maddox: It should be selected. Uh, maybe we go to the Supreme Court and we tell them, "Guys, put all your suggestions in a hat. We'll just pick them out. And those are the people that are going to be the satire police."

Dick: Too many votes. It's gotta be just one guy. You don't want nine people deciding, 'cause then you could have a split decision.

Maddox: Yeah, you're right, Dick. Well, whatever the Thought Police should be, we definitely need to have this organization in place.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Any time anyone writes anything. Even fortune cookies can be satirical. We need to look at fortune cookies, Dick. We need to go around restaurant to restaurant, Chinese restaurants, open up every fortune cookie, make sure that Islam isn't being smeared. Right? Christianity isn't smeared.

Dick: Well, anybody.

Maddox: Anybody, yeah. I don't think people…I don't think anyone should be offended, Dick. I think that it's my right, and speaking of rights to be safe and comfortable?

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: I think it's also my right to be not offended.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: As an American. Or, as anyone! Dick, shouldn't we all just be happy? (laughs)

Dick: And not offended by anything?

Maddox: And not offended by anything, ever.

Dick: No, I know, man.

Maddox: Yeah. And, by the way, guys, when I was insensitive earlier in this episodes, I'm just gonna start apologizing right now. When I was insensitive towards fat people, and I said that we should maybe ask fat people to lose weight to be more considerate on subways to not take up, you know, "fat spreading"? Um, I…I apologize. That was really offensive.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: (laughs) You accept my apology, Dick?

Dick: Yeah, you said the words.

Maddox: Are you…are you on board with this? You seem, like, strangely complacent with my satire ban.

Dick: Well, I've already…yeah, I've already come out saying that satire is, like, the only weapon we have against dumb people.

Maddox: That's offensive.

Dick: So, no, I'm…yeah. Sorry.

Maddox: Okay. Yeah.

Dick: Uh, so yeah, of course I'm against it.

Maddox: All the dumb people listening right now, all the lesser minds who are listening to the show just got offended by what you just said.

Dick: Eh, well, sorry.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know.

Maddox: Thank you for apologizing, Dick.

Dick: We just need more insincere apologies.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh!! (growls) There we go! (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, like you post, you can say whatever you want, and then just at the end, "Hey, sorry."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just have, like, a little guy, like the mascot from Monopoly. Just, like, "Oh, sorry." (Maddox laughs) "Sorry about that. Didn't mean it."

Maddox: The mustachioed man from Monopoly?

Dick: Yeah. Penny…Uncle Pennybags. Uncle Moneybags.

Maddox: Uncle Moneybags? So, Dick.

Dick: I think you're being satirical, though.

Maddox: No, no, absolutely not, Dick. This is definitely not satire. (Sean laughs) We should ban satire.

Dick: Okay. (scoffs)

Maddox: We need to ban…we need to BAN thoughts that are dangerous!!

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: And this is one way to do it! Three…three strikes rule, and then incarceration. Right? And then when incarceration doesn't work? Well, capital punishment. I don't think it's too extreme to say that someone should die for the things that they believe in or speak. If you make a cartoon that depicts Mohammed, right? No matter how poorly it's drawn. And no matter the fact that we have no photos of Mohammed. You should be executed…I don't think it's unreasonable! I mean, am I being unreasonable here!? (Dick cracks up)

Dick: No! I don't…I don't know.

Maddox: Right!? Those terrorists were doing a yeoman's job, going into this journalist's office and killing people!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Good for them! They were doing the right…they were ending satire, which is the problem. Without satire, no one would be dead today, Dick!! (yells) It's the biggest problem in the universe!

Dick: Satire is?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, okay, yeah. You might actually be right. (Maddox laughs) Well, I mean, 'cause you're talking to a guy whose satire was considered so harmful that, like, I'm not allowed on Facebook or YouTube.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I'm just not allowed.

Maddox: It's already happening! Facebook is my ally!

Dick: So…and that's, like…that's just one step…if you're…like, if you can't kill a guy…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just cut out…cut out the way he makes money.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: That's…that's the most harm you can do.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So if I…if they hate me so much that they don't want me talking, on YouTube or Facebook. They can't kill me, 'cause they're big companies. They just cut off the way I make money.

Maddox: Yeah, they did.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: No problem.

Maddox: No problem.

Dick: Yeah. So…

Maddox: Well, you got off light, buddy. 'Cause under my system, what I'm proposing is incarceration and capital punishment. You will be hung or shot by my machine gun. Automatic machine gun fire.

Dick: Oh, wow.

Maddox: Unless you're a woman or child. I think that women and children should be spared. The Islamists are correct in sparing women and children.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, uh…

Dick: Really? You think that?

Maddox: Absolutely.

Dick: That's a surprise. Well, the children part's a surprise. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)

Dick: I think you're hurting your presidential run. We established your presidential platform in an early episode.

Maddox: Uh-oh.

Dick: I think this'll come back to bite you in the primaries.

Maddox: Oooh, boy. Oh, boy. I don't know about that, Dick. I mean, in my initial presidential platform, it was the Regressive Party.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which is against abortion, but for killing babies.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: So…

Dick: (interjects) That's one of my favorite things that you've ever said.

Maddox: Thank you.

Dick: That slogan.

Maddox: Thank you. And I wholeheartedly believe it. I don't think that the Muslim terrorists, these extremists, when they say that they spare women and children, I don't think they're counting babies in there. So if I had stormed the office, I would definitely shoot the babies. Because babies are not children yet. They're not children. They're babies.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's a….there's a distinction. If you're still crawling or if you're in a crib, bullet in the head. Sorry. (laughs)

Dick: Wow. You're getting darker.

Maddox: Well. You know, Dick, I gotta stand for my beliefs here, and I believe that satire is a problem. Um, so…you know.

Dick: Not beliefs. Not extreme beliefs. It's satire that's the problem.

Maddox: Welllllllll, uh, it's interesting…

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause extreme beliefs are gonna exist everywhere, but satire, that's a decision that somebody's making.

Maddox: It's a decision someone's making, yeah.

Dick: Right? The beliefs, you're born with.

Maddox: You're born with these beliefs, Dick. (Dick laughs) I don't believe in the Clean Slate Theory. These extremists were born with these beliefs.

Dick: Yeah. It's not their fault. (grinning)

Maddox: No!

Dick: They're just coping with it.

Maddox: That's what they are!

Dick: Aw, now we're both doing the satire!

Maddox: No! Dick, this isn't satire! (laughs)

Dick: Oh, okay, sorry.

Maddox: Dick, um. Here's some…so, speaking of extremists, here's some extremist statements.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: I wanna see if you can tell if these were made by Islamic militants or westerners. You know, enlightened westerners.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: Yeah. I've added some blanks here to see if you can fill them in with the appropriate ethnicity, religion, people, or place, 'Kay?

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: There are…various comments came from Twitter, news sources, whatever. "It's time to nuke these ________s."

Dick: Well, I would think a westerner would say that, because terrorists don't have access to nukes.

Maddox: Correct! Uh, that is correct.

Dick: Yeah. Pretty good.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Um, that, so…"It's time to nuke these terrorist scum."

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: That was from brownie290880 on Twitter. Yeah, well, some terrorists could potentially have access to nukes. There's some dirty nukes floating around, or whatever. But that's…that's a good analysis, Dick.

Dick: I don't think they would be so cavalier about it.

Maddox: No, probably not. Pro…well, you don't know, man! I mean, I don't know any terrorists. If I did, they may be cavalier. I bet the terrorists I would know would be pretty chill.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "Why doesn't _____just bomb ____?"

Dick: Oh, why doesn't _____just bomb ____?

Maddox: Yeah. So we're lookin' for a place, and a group.

Dick: (sighs) Okay. Wait a minute. So, "Why doesn't _____just bomb ____?"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm gonna say, because a terrorists, they don't…they do the bombing of themselves. Like, they are the bomb.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So I think, logically, this is a Westerner saying, because they onl…they see bombs as something they don't have to deal with.

Maddox: Mmmm.

Dick: Right? So I'm gonna say "Why doesn't the US just bomb the Middle East?" Is that the…

Maddox: Close!

Dick: Why doesn't France just bomb Islam?

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, pretty close! I'm gonna give it to you, Dick!

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Dick: Oh, yess!

Maddox: It's "Why doesn't France just bomb Al-Qaeda?"

Dick: Yeaaaaahhh!! (laughing) That's pretty good!

Maddox: Yeah. By Charles Shawa, from Twitter.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Okay. "____to avenge ____ victims."

Dick: "____to avenge ____ victims."?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And this is people or places?

Maddox: Okay. The first one is a group to avenge another group.

Dick: Oh, okay. Um…a group. That sounds…that doesn't sound western, just because of the poor syntax.

Maddox: Yeah, it's poor syntax.

Dick: Um…

Maddox: Westerners have good syntax.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Well, generally, yeah.

Dick: It's in English, yeah.

Maddox: So, ____ to….

Dick: (interjects) I don't know that one.

Maddox: So, it's actually…it's a western…

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: I'm sorry. It's a westerner.

Dick: Aw, dammit.

Maddox: It says, "Anonymous to avenge Charlie Hebdo victims."

Dick: Oh, Anonymous the group?

Maddox: Anonymous the group.

Dick: How are they gonna do that?

Maddox: Yeah, well. They go into a whole manifesto. They just…they left it kinda vague as to how they're going to do it. Supposedly, they killed somebody already.

Dick: Lemme…anonymous did!? (incredulous)

Maddox: Anonymous did, yeah.

Dick: They killed somebody?!

Maddox: I just read the headline. I didn't read the full article. But supposedly they did. Um, Dick, on this note…

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: …lemme read this quote here, too. "The blood pouring out of ____ must be revenged."

Dick: Ummmm, if it was terrorists, that would probably be, like, a menstruation thing.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The blood…

Maddox: (interjects) But it sounds pretty similar to the previous quote, right?

Dick: Yeah. What is it? I don't know.

Maddox: "The blood pouring out of Palestine must be revenged." And that's by Osama Bin Laden.

Dick: Oh!

Maddox: Osama Bin Laden said that.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Yeah. So Osama Bin Laden…so, it's interesting the distinction here. Because Anonymous is to avenge ____.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And Osama's to avenge _______. So…where does it end? Because if what we're doing now to the terrorists, which…you know, they should be brought to justice, but if that's done in revenge, and what the terrorists did to us was done in revenge, and what America does to Osama Bin Laden is done in revenge, where does it end?

Dick: Yeah. You're making a comparison between our sense of revenge and their sense of revenge. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just the way the vicious cycle continues. I did…do you consider…okay. So the Charlie Hebdo thing happened, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And all of a sudden, all over the Internet, was this, just, epidemic of slacktivism.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Would you consider that slacktivism? 'Cause everybody was suddenly, violently, "Je Suis Charlie".

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? And I don't do it, 'cause I just don't do things that do nothing.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: To you, does that have an effect? Is that the exact same as slacktivism? Is it something people should do?

Maddox: It is slacktivism, unless you actually take action and do something. So, if you want to…

Dick: (interjects) And what's the action?

Maddox: The action is to create challenging works of art. Right? Because that's what Charlie Hebdo did. They created challenging works of art that challenged the status quo.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If you say "We are Charlie". You're not, unless you're a satirist. You're not, unless you're creating this work that's called insightful. You're not, unless you're questioning the wisdom of prevailing authority.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: In a way that's satirical. You're not Charlie unless you…I mean, you can stand up for them, sure. You…(stammers) and I changed my Facebook profile picture to a picture of my logo with the French colors on it.

Dick: I saw that.

Maddox: The French flag on it. And then someone called me a slacktivist. And I said "Guys, this isn't a campaign. I'm not promoting anything." And it's not going to create any change. I did that in solidarity and as an homage to Charlie Hebdo. To show them that uh…you know. This is something I was recognizing as a loss. As a fellow satirist, right? This is how I've made my career.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And I apologize for saying that. If anyone's offended, I should submit myself to this registry, 'cause satire's wrong and evil. But Dick…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, no, no, no. I know. I know what you're saying.

Maddox: Here's…

Dick: (interjects) (stammers)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Furthermore, there also seems to be, like, a kind of binary thinking. Binary extremist thinking about that. About that very slacktivism that I'm talking about. The Je Suis Charlie thing?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because I would think something like, "Well, they're writing anti-Islamist cartoons."

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like, and the last cartoon, was "No Attacks in France." And then, like a bumbling terrorist saying, like, "Well we got to the end of January." (Maddox chuckles) And I'm thinking in my mind…as a satirist, I'm thinking, if I had made that, I would be trying to provoke them.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If I had done that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? But to SAY that. Oh, my God. If you say something like, "Well, yeah, they're using satire as a weapon to provoke this exact kind of response." You can't say that. Right? That's not something I should be allowed to say.

Maddox: You…why…wait.

Dick: Because people lose their minds!

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: They're like, "Oh, you're victim blaming. You're victim blaming." Like, guys, I understand comedy and satire. When you draw…when you make something that specific against a group…you're trying to nail them.

Maddox: Oh!

Dick: You should expect a response, and these guys aren't witty or clever. They don't usually respond with funny New Yorker cartoons. They usually respond with guns and violence, and you know that! Right?!

Maddox: Yeah. So satire is a problem, Dick.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: Thank you for supporting me.

Dick: Oh, yeah. No, I agree.

Maddox: Yeah, satire is a problem here.

Dick: Well, I don't want to go to your satire prison, so I'll say anything it takes to get out of it.

Maddox: I think you just did, and I think you did for real. Um…(laughs) I have a few more quotes here.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Let's see if you can tell if this is a westerner or a terrorist group. "______group will track down and avenge those who have been killed." Sounds very similar to this last one, too, right?

Dick: I think that's a terrorist that said that.

Maddox: Nope! Westerner. Anonymous.

Dick: Ugh, dammit.

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: "We are in your _________. We are in your ________. We are everywhere."

Dick: That's Anonymous. I know Anonymous. That's a….(grins)

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: Isis! That was Isis!!

Dick: No…ohhhhh!!!

Maddox: Sou…it's chilling that it sounds so much like Anonymous.

Dick: Where's Isis in our blanks?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're not anywhere?!

Maddox: Yeah, well.

Dick: Where the hell are they? Where do they say they are?

Maddox: They're in our cities, they're in our bla…you know, so on, so forth. That's actually something that's kind of a concern now, that they're afraid of these lone wolf attacks, because Isis, through their propaganda on the Internet, is reaching people in the Midwest and reaching people where they might not be able to reach through their traditional means of recruitment, like in Yemen, and Afghanistan, and…you know.

Dick: You mean…lemme ask you something. You mean, they have the ability to strike anyone from anywhere if they so deign? Who does that sound like?

Maddox: (laughs) Sounds like the West.

Dick: Sounds like the US government, right?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: That's what I don't get about the whole, like, terrorist label?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I mean, it's just like, low-budget, "Well we have a specter of damage that we can inflict on you at any moment."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So…

Maddox: Which uh…which is interesting. I was listening to a Radiolab episode recently, and they were talking about…it's the one…it's the episode about worth. And they were talking about what the worth of things are. I don't believe that life is precious. I mean, it is.

Dick: It's 70 grand!

Maddox: It is.

Dick: That's how much it's worth.

Maddox: Well, that's…it's actually very controversial, how much a life is worth. But it comes to about…a lot people, like in Pakistan, there was a drone strike that happened, I believe in 2010, 2011, something like that. They accidentally hit a wedding convoy. (Dick groans) They killed so many people. They killed, I believe, the groom. The father survived his son.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: But they took these bodies back to the Town Square in Pakistan and they paraded them about and they said, "This is what the US government did to us with these drone strikes."

Dick: Yeah. (sighs)

Maddox: And then everybody was pissed off.

Dick: They did do that.

Maddox: Yeah. And then the US government has a policy in place called, "Money is a Weapon."

Dick: Yeah. (scoffs)

Maddox: And it's reparations that you pay to people that you've done wrong in these war conflicts.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And, you know, it's no obligation, no legal obligation to do so, but they do it to try to win their hearts and minds. (scoffs) Supposedly.

Dick: With money.

Maddox: Yeah, with money.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And in Iraq, the amount that they spend is about 2500$ per death. Per person.

Dick: Oh, that's it?

Maddox: Yeah. Which is equivalent to about 30,000$ in their currency.

Dick: Ohhhh, man.

Maddox: Uh, so that's it. That's what you get.

Dick: Awwwww. That's not enough. (disappointed)

Maddox: Yeah. That's not enough. Of course not.

Dick: Oh, man. (annoyed)

Maddox: Meanwhile, the World Trade Center victims were compensated anywhere up to, like, 7 million, or 12 million, something like that. Anywhere from 250,000$, to, like, 7 million.

Dick: Really?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Whoa!

Maddox: Yeah. A lot of 'em were.

Dick: That's a lot of dough.

Maddox: Yeah. It is a lot of dough, Dick. Um, here's another one. "If they do not stop their campaign in _____, we will bring the war to them in _______, on the ground." Who said that?

Dick: Well, that sounds like us. 'Cause "on the ground" is what we do.

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: Isis.

Dick: No!?! (incredulous)

Maddox: Isis again. They're talking about..(laughs) . "If they do not stop their campaign in the virtual world, we will bring the war to them in the real world, on the ground." They're talking about Twitter. 'Cause Twitter is starting to shut down these terrorist accounts. (Dick cracks up) And they're saying they're going to…

Dick: (interjects) ISIS declared war on Twitter?!?!

Maddox: ISIS declared war on Twitter. (laughing)

Dick: Oh, my God!

Maddox: They're going to attack them in San Francisco. They're gonna go their headquarters. (Dick guffaws) Guys. You're gonna flip the fuck out if you go to San Francisco.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There's gonna be so many more targets…(laughs) You're gonna want to attack before Twitter's headquarters. Which I've seen, by the way. It's kind of like a nondescript building.

Dick: They're gonna need a bigger boat. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. Bigger boat. "_______'s regime tortures and executes _______s."

Dick: Oh, that's us. We do that.

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Dick: What!?!? (incredulous)

Maddox: Yeah. That's…"Iran's regime tortures and executes activists." And that's…

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Yeah. That's an Iranian woman who said that on Twitter. "I'm really confused why a terrorist _______leading the Paris anti-terrorism march." Is that somebody who's sympathetic to…

Dick: Wait, read it again.

Maddox: Okay. . "I'm really confused why a terrorist _______...(the name of the terrorist)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: …is leading the Paris anti-terrorism march."

Dick: Uhhh…I would think…well, it's sarcastic, so I would think a westerner would say that.

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Dick: Ugh!! (annoyed)

Maddox: That is somebody…somebody who is sympathetic to the Palestinian cause.

Dick: Okay, a westerner said it, though.

Maddox: Um.

Dick: I was right about that.

Maddox: I'm not sure if it's actually. You know what? I may give you that.

Dick: Okay. Half credit! (Maddox laughs) Half credit.

Maddox: Half credit. There you go, Dick.

(Sound effect: Ding!)

Maddox: "I'm really confused…" Here, I'll do this.

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer at the same time as Ding!)

Maddox: (laughing) It's Netanyahu that she's talking about. She's saying Netayahu is the world's biggest terrorist. Anyway. Anyway, Dick. When I posted that picture on Facebook of my status.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Of my profile picture with the French colors, a lot of people started arguing with me. They said, "No, man, we need to wipe out all the Muslims." (Dick cracks up) Yeah! Oh, yeah, yeah.

Dick: Okay. (incredulous)

Maddox: And they…they…this is their argument. They said that "The attack on 9/11 was Muslims." Uh, the Richard Perlman attack, the journalist who was beheaded, I think his name was Richard, but Perlman, whatever, was beheaded by Muslims. All these terrorist attacks that have occurred. The India…the Bali bombings were Muslims.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And the U.S.S Cole was Muslims. And all these…all these terrorist attacks, right? And they said, "Well, there's a common theme here. It's all Muslims." And then some people took it a step further and said, "No, no, it's religion." Religion's the problem. Religion's the Devil.

Dick: Hmmm.

Maddox: But, what you kind of fail to realize here, is there are 1.6 billion Muslims in the world.

Dick: That's a lot of bombs. Gonna need a lot of bombs. (They all crack up)

Maddox: Lot of bombs and body bags, huh!?!

Dick: Lot of bombs!!! (laughing)

Maddox: Maybe you can do a 2-4!

Dick: We bomb it 24 hours a day!

Maddox: What they should do is put body bags in those black boxes that they put on those airplanes, that are indestructible?

Dick: Yeah? (grins)

Maddox: So, put them on the tail end of the bombs, just at the fins of the missiles?

Dick: Uh-huh?

Maddox: And then, when they're killed, guess what? Body bags already there for you! You just put in the combination, we'll make the combination code, you know, something like a birthday. The birthday of, like, George Washington. How about that?

Dick: Yeah. (trying not to laugh)

Maddox: And then you open it up and you got a body bag! Problem solved!

Dick: You got a lot of great theories today.

Maddox: Lot of great theories.

Dick: Lot of great solutions.

Maddox: Lot of…you know, I actually made an article a long time ago talking about how we can kill two birds with one stone by bombing terrorists with pennies. If we just, like, drop big sacks of pennies on these terrorists' heads, you instantly kill them, and you instantly have war reparations.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Hey! Problem solved, right? 2500$? Drop 2500$ worth of pennies on their heads. 'Cause they're cheaper than missiles!

Dick: And they can melt the pennies down and sell them as copper for more than they're worth.

Maddox: Well, there's very little copper in pennies my friend. Less than, I think, 7%. But yeah, there is some metal. There is a melting point.

Dick: Yeah, I do think everyone who just wants to wipe everybody out…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think there's, like, there's some kind of desire to just not want to have war and conflict all the time.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it seems childish to me. Like, yeah, it sucks, but it's gonna happen. That's the way it is.

Maddox: So…so this mentality, "Let's kill 'em all." Right? It's a mentality that not just we, as outraged westerners share.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: You know, some of us. Some of us. Some of us feel this need to kill 'em all, because it's all Muslims, right? All Muslims are doing this. Well, they're not. 1.6 billion. Look, if there was a war that Islam declared against the West, we might lose. That's 1.6 billion people that you would have to fight. If the majority of people believed this, if the majority of Muslim people believed this…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: This would be a war like we've never seen.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This is a very small minority of Muslims who are doing this, and yes, the majority of them are Muslims…

Dick: Our own President would turn on us! (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Diiiiick! (laughs)

Dick: He's Muslim, isn't he?

Maddox: Great, Dick. (Dick cracks up) Dick, if that's satire, that's your first strike, buddy!

Dick: I'm going straight to jail!!

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: You're going to jail! (Dick laughing) You'd better watch it!

Dick: Yeah. Go ahead. (still laughing)

Maddox: Thought Police. I'm gonna be on the registry.

Dick: I think you should run it.

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, I would love to, man. Do babies write satire? (laughing) Uh, round 'em up. So, anyway, Dick. The majority of these attacks…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Were done by Muslims. But not the majority of Muslims are terrorists. Clearly. Right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Less than…less than one half of one percent. Just by sheer numbers. 1.6 billion?

Dick: Probably less.

Maddox: Yeah. Way less than that.

Dick: Yeah. Way less.

Maddox: But these people are saying let's just glass the Middle East. Let's nuke 'em. When they say glass the Middle East, they're referring to dropping nukes on them and turning the sand into glass due to high heat.

Dick: Yeah. (sighs) I wonder if those guys would actually do that, though. Like, everybody who says that…it's fun to vent and be outraged on social media and the computer.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But if, like, you gave them a button and like, "Here you go. This will kill 1.6 billion people. You wanna hit it? Be my guest!" I don't think they would do it.

Maddox: Yeah. You don't think so, Dick.

Dick: Naaaah. I don't think so.

Maddox: Let me point you to…lemme point you to the Milgram study. 'Cause…

Dick: I know that study.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. These are people who would shock people who were told, "Look, someone's going to experience pain. One person is going to experience pain." You don't think they would do it?

Dick: But that's an authority…that's an authority figure telling them what to do.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: This is just, "Here. You think you know what's best? Hit that button." It's not somebody saying, "Do it." I think if you told them to do it, they would do it.

Maddox: Well, I hope that we never have to test it. But here's the thing, Dick. These terrorists who went in and killed these innocent people at Charlie Hebdo…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: …which weren't innocent, 'cause they wrote satire, and I think that's a big problem.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: These people who went in and killed them used that same argument. The exact same argument. They said, "Look. These guys are bad. The westerners are bad. Non-Muslims are bad. We need to kill 'em all."

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Does that sound familiar? Because that's what we're saying now.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: And that's what they're saying then.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's the exact same argument. It never fucking ends if all their mentality is, is "Kill 'em all". Let's not discriminate between weak, and poor, and Christian, and Jew. Let's kill 'em all, as long as they're not Muslim. As long as they're not one of us. Let's just kill 'em all.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's the mentality that's driving this. And that's the mentality that's going to continue driving this problem. Is "Kill 'em all". And I got into an argument with someone who just kept saying, "Well, you know, in the Qu'ran, it says this thing, and it says that thing, and Mohammed believed this thing…" and all these, like, terrible things he was listed, and I said, "Again…why isn't there more killing?" If this was a religion that by decree instructed people to kill, right? Why isn't there more killing?

Dick: Right.

Maddox: You know, and then they pointed out, "Well, the Christians had the Crusade", and so on, and so forth.

Dick: That was about money, wasn't it?

Maddox: Yeah, it's always about something.

Dick: Yeah. Always about money.

Maddox: It's always about land. It's always about money. It's always about something. And people use religion as a crutch to corrupt.

Dick: Well, they're not, like…Muslims aren't, like, Klingons, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, that's the picture I get in my head when I hear some idiot going, like, "Oh, you gotta wipe em out! It's a dangerous religion!" It's like, no, it's just a bunch of people. They're not like a whole species, like Klingons, that fight over everything and they're just, like, intractable assholes all the time.

Maddox: Yeah. I pointed out to somebody…I can't believe I had to spell this out, but I said, "Listen, believe it or not, Muslim people have mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, and children, and they care about those people just like people in the West do. Do you think that they want those people to die?"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Do you think that's what these people are trying to do? And I said…and, by the way, the people who are just saying, "It's all religion!" like Bill Maher. He said that. He said all religion…there's no great religion. He said they're all stupid, etc, etc. So we should all be atheist.

Dick: Nooo. (skeptical)

Maddox: Because no atheist has ever done anything wrong, right? Not like…

Dick: Wasn't Hitler an atheist? (laughing)

Maddox: Um…

Dick: I'm sorry, were you about to say that?

Maddox: He was not, no. No, I was not going to.

Dick: Let's just say that he was.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay, Dick.

Dick: It makes it funnier.

Maddox: Dick, is that satire?!?! (yells) (Dick cracks up)

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: That's two strikes, buddy!! You're getting…I'm getting my handcuffs ready! You're not gonna like what's coming. (laughs)

Dick: Oh, the third one better be worth it. (Maddox laughs) What are you gonna read?

Maddox: Here are some atheists. Uh, Adam Lanza. Eric Harris. Adam Lanza was the guy who shot up…

Dick: (interjects) He's the guy that sings on The Voice, right?

Maddox: No. (laughs) Not the guy who sings on The Voice, Dick. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: No.

Dick: Like, "She will be loved…" That guy.

Maddox: Not that guy. Adam Lanza…

Dick: 'Cause that's awful.

Maddox: Adam…no. He shot up Sandy Hook. I believe that was the guy who shot up Sandy Hook.

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: Eric Harris and Dylan Klebold, who shot up Columbine. Atheists.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Mao Zedong. Atheist.

Dick: Chairman Mao.

Maddox: Chairman Mao. And by the way, the biggest casualty toll in history was from Mao Zedong's era over…(stammers) Estimates are anywhere from 40 to 70 million people died.

Dick: Whoa.

Maddox: No one has ever died to that degree on that level. There's actually nobody on this list that even comes close to that. Atheist. Mao Zedong.

Dick: You know where Mao Zedong was conceived?

Maddox: Where's that?

Dick: Made in China. (Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: Alright, Dick. Gotta wedge that in there. Mussolini. Atheist. So, you're…and I point out, like, when you attack religion like that, it just sounds bigoted, simplistic, ignorant. Simple. And people say, "Well, religion is the cause of all this conflict." If two religions can exist…coexist peacefully at some point in time, which they do right now. In the Jewish grocery store that these terrorists were holed up in France…

Dick: (guffaws) Oh, that's a real thing?!

Maddox: Yeah. It was a Jewish…

Dick: (interjects) What was it called?

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: Ralstein's? (Maddox and Sean crack up) Fonzenshwag's?

Maddox: Zion Save. I don't know, man. Um, but…this Jewish grocery store. It was a Kosher grocery store.

Dick: Food for Less and Less? (All crack up laughing) Go ahead with the serious terrorist thing (grinning)

Maddox: Oh, man. Yeah, yeah. Here we go. (Dick giggles) Okay. So, this Jewish grocery store. This Kosher grocery store that these terrorists were holed up in…(trying not to laugh) The people who shop there, they said, are Muslims, and Christians, and Jews. They all lived peacefully in this small town. They can coexist peacefully and they do coexist peacefully. We have mosques here in America. We have synagogues. We have uh…what's the…what's the one for the Indian Sikhs? We have temples for Sikhs. They all coexist peacefully.

Dick: We've got EB Games for you.

Maddox: (laughs) Okay, Dick. (Dick laughs) Actually, it's not EB Games…is EB Games…

Dick: (interjects) Oh sorry!! I don't want to offend your religion!!!

Maddox: Yeah, it's Gamestop, Dick! (Sean and Dick crack up) Was that satire, Dick!?!? (Dick cracks up) It sounded like it might satire!

Dick: No, no!

Maddox: Don't be a dick!

Dick: No. We got Cheetahs for me.

Maddox: Yeah. You got Cheetahs. (background laughter) The strip club for you. (laughing)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So…

Dick: (interjects) Well, it's not a strip club, though, it's a topless bar.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause they can still serve liquor.

Maddox: Yeah. Well, okay.

Dick: 'Cause who wants to see everything else? You know, I'd rather drink.

Maddox: Oh, Jesus, Dick. (background laughter) I can tell…I can point you to some classy, all-nude strip clubs, buddy.

Dick: Yeah, but they don't serve liquor in California.

Maddox: They sure do!!

Dick: No, they don't.

Maddox: Champagne and wine. That counts.

Dick: Oh that…

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: Champagne and wine…?

Maddox: Champagne's delicious!

Dick: Alllright.

Maddox: Comes from France!

Dick: No, are you done? You got anything else you wanna say about ter…oh, excuse me, not terrorism. Do you have anything else you wanna say about the evils of satire?

Maddox: No, that's it, Dick.

Dick: Have you ever been assaulted for your satire? Have you ever been hit with anything? 'Cause you're one of the bigger satirists on the Internet.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Have you ever suffered anything because of your satire?

Maddox: Mmmm. I have had people…I've had a lot of threats. I've had a few serious…I think, a few serious threats that I've gone to police with, but over the years, no. I have not…because I have a theory about that. I think that people who are offended. They get offended in that moment, but they don't really think about it. Like, if you…(stammers) ever meet somebody who you've offended online because of an article or something that you wrote. They may dislike you, but to actually take that action against them? I've never experienced several rounds of machine gun bullets going through me because of my satire. No. If that's what you're asking.

Dick: Yeah. I've been punched twice. (Maddox cracks up)

Maddox: But Dick, that's not satire. That's just you being a drunk asshole.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no! This was because…well, I suppose…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: …you know, you can't have one without the other, but they were both in Vegas, and both by a woman, one that knew who I was in advance, and the other one was just told about it. It bent my glasses! Those mirrored shades that I had on Dr. Phil.

Maddox: Oh, those were cool.

Dick: They're all bent up.

Maddox: Your aviators.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah. I tried to bend them, like, back in place, but now it just looks like a bunch of jig-jag earpiece things.

Maddox: That's my favorite thing, by the way. When someone's glasses get bent and they try to bend it back. It never looks normal!!

Dick: No, it…it looks awful.

Maddox: And they always think…you know, they always think, "Yeah, okay." They convince themselves that it's okay 'cause they don't wanna drop another 300$ because of the Eyeglass Cartel, which you defended several episodes ago.

Dick: They're nice shades!

Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) Great. You can buy nice shades for 4 bucks. Same thing. Anyway, Dick, yeah. That's my problem. Satire is the biggest problem in the universe. It needs to be eradicated.

Dick: Alright. Did I go to jail? Did I get a third satire thing in? I didn't. I'm safe.

Maddox: You're okay for now, Dick.

Dick: Safe to live another day.

Maddox: But I'm paying atten…yeah. One more day. So, and your problem was…

Dick: "Manspreading Discontent"! (proud)

Maddox: Manspreading Discontent.

Dick: It's like a Before and After, like in Wheel of Fortune. Manspreading. Spreading discontent.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You watch Wheel of Fortune? (grins)

Maddox: I've seen it.

Dick: Okay, well that's what they do on Wheel of Fortune.

Maddox: Not a big fan. Pat Sajak seems too robotic to me. So does Alex Trebek. I think that's what you need. You need that quality to be a good game show host. You need to be a robot.

Dick: Yeah. And you need to have a big head.

Maddox: Big heads help!

Dick: So it shows up on TV.

Maddox: Dick, you got a big head, man. You could be a game show host.

Dick: Thank you.

Maddox: Yeah. You're welcome. (giggles)

Dick: Here's another…here's a quote I forget from manspreading.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "I'm glad that the government is finally taking action. This is clearly not the kind of thing that could be solved by asking people to scoot over and make room for you to sit down. And I'm glad the government is finally doing something about it." (laughs)

Maddox: Dick, that sounds like satire to me!!

(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)

Maddox: That's three!!!

Dick: No, that's what the guy said!!

Maddox: Okay…

Dick: (interjects) He meant that!

Maddox: You know what? You brought that in, Dick.

Dick: He meant that!

Maddox: You brought that…you're busted, buddy!

Dick: Alright, I'm goin' to jail.

Maddox: Alright, Sean. Wrap up this episode. My problem is satire…your problem, "Manspreading"…

Dick: (interjects) Discontent.

Maddox: Man…(cracks up, Sean laughs) "Manspreading Discontent". Don't forget to vote on these problems on our website.

Dick: Hey, and stay tuned for the live show.

Maddox: Yeah! The live show coming up.

Dick: It'll be out this month.

Maddox: I think it'll be, probably in a week or two. And we're gonna post it on our website. It'll be available for everyone to watch. A lot of people have been asking about that. It's amazing! And vote on these problems on

Closing riff starts

Maddox: Listen next week. Listen every week. Tell your friends. Tell your enemies!

Dick: Check it out on iTunes.

Maddox: Annnnnnd…

Dick: Thanks for listening.

Closing riff continues

Maddox: Stitcher. Stitcher was the other one. (laughing) Stitcher. Listen to it on Stitcher.

Dick: That's right. Listen to it on Stitcher.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey, this is Jordan from bountiful Utah, and I thought that your … (Maddox: It's Jordan again. (laughs)) detox diet problem was great. (Dick: He's funny.)You see, I'm on a detox diet known as Crohn's disease. (Maddox laughs)And basically, my immune system attacks my digestive system. (Maddox: Jesus)So, to put it bluntly, I shit and vomit all the time. (Maddox: Wow.)And I would rather drown in a sea of cocks…(Maddox laughs)than hear one more person say, (nasal imitation) "Gosh, I wish I could lose weight that easily!" (Maddox cracks up)I think it's a worth problem on the list, 'cause it would to in great addition to your "People who can't eat spicy foods." ( Dick: Well, Crohn's disease.) Also, Dick, uh…try not to drink so much. How about that?")

Maddox: Yeah! (laughs)

Dick: (whiny imitation) Oh, try not to drink so much! Oh, oh! Try not to drink so much! Try to get a beautiful family and a woman that makes you happy and is perfect! Try to get a perfect life so you don't have to drink!! (background laughter)

Maddox: No, Dick. (stammers)

Dick: Why don't I try to get a job where you just make free money and don't have to work!?! (yells) (Maddox laughs) Try not to be…try to be happy all the time! Fuck you, Jordan!

Maddox: No. (Sean laughing) No, Jordan's my bro. I like that! Yeah. Try not to drink so much, Dick. It's like…

Dick: (interjects) Try not to drink so much. (disgusted)

Maddox: It's complaining about getting too much dick. It's like, "Oh, I just keep getting dick." Hey, just don't!

Dick: Hey mister sun, try not be so hot all the time! (whines)

Maddox: Yeah. That's exactly…that's a great analogy, Dick.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey Dick, of course products made in China are going to be inferior. It's because that's what people in this country are willing to pay for and put up with. (Maddox: Ooh) It's like walking into a motel 6 and expecting a full-body massage and a blowjob as part of the…)

Recording cuts off