Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 33
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel
(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyy, what's up buddy? How's it going?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Sean: Gentlemen.
Maddox: Thank you, Sean. Thank you for not deleting this one. (Dick laughs)
Dick: What's up, Sean?
Maddox: That's two in a row!
Sean: Are we…
Maddox: (interjects) Two in a row, Dick. (cackles)
Sean: Are we not done with this yet?
Maddox: No, we're done. (laughs)
Dick: I'm serious. I think we shouldn't talk about it anymore.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Okay?
Maddox: Dick. That's a very loaded statement of yours. (Dick cracks up) I don't believe that at all.
Sean: One day, they're gonna be like, "Hey, whatever happened to that guy?" "Well, he deleted a podcast."
Dick: And then he killed himself. (Maddox laughs) I will say…when I first heard that you deleted the podcast, I know I don't want to bring it up anymore, but I just have to say this. (Maddox scoffs)
Sean: Like Dr…like Dr. Phil, right? (Maddox still laughing)
Dick: Alright, calm down. When I first saw your text saying, "Uh-oh, I deleted the p…" I should read your text! I should read the text you sent me. When I first saw that, I was like, "You know, I'm pissed, but this is the funniest thing that could happen." Like, part of me was really excited that it happened. (grins)
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Because it's the kind of thing where you make fun of your friend for the rest of their life.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. And when I got the text from you, when you said, "Bad news." I didn't even have to finish the text…(Dick cracks up) I knew it was that! There's nothing else it could be. I knew it was that! Um…anyway, uh…
Dick: Hey, wait. I got something to say. Uh, good news! The live show is currently being backed up RIGHT NOW! As we speak.
Maddox: Yep. Yep.
Dick: Can't be deleted.
Maddox: We've got three backups of that guy. And we're started to edit it. It's coming along great. Uh, Dick, I think we're going to try to find a way to release this to the people who have subscribed first. Maybe a week early or something like that. Everyone will eventually get to see it, but just as a special thank you to those people, I think we're gonna look into releasing that…
Dick: That would be awesome. I dunno how we're gonna do that, but it would be awesome.
Maddox: If we can. It might be too much of a logistical clusterfuck, and maybe not. Um, but Dick…let's move on. Let's look at the problems from last week.
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: The number one ranking problem from last week was "Sony"!
Dick: Ugh!!! (disgusted)
Maddox: Everyone agreed with me! (yelling) And disagreed with you. Most of all, Sony disagreed with you, Dick!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Because since that episode, they released "The Interview"!
Dick: Yeah, uh…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So, didn't they make the smartest move that they possibly could have made?
Maddox: No.
Dick: Like, they said, "Yeah, we're not gonna do something that might endanger people."
Maddox: Uh-huh…(skeptical)
Dick: "Sorry, we're not gonna release this movie."
Maddox: Ohhhh. (scoffs)
Dick: That's probably dog shit, by the way. I haven't seen it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But…(stammers) Do you honestly think that movie could possibly be good? With those guys?
Maddox: (stammers) Yeah, Dick. Probably not. It was hyped up too much.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: But, here's the thing.
Dick: But wait, wait, wait, no, no, no. I'm not done. So they said, "We don't have any distribution, so sorry." All of a sudden, because of this hype, uh…Google, Amazon, all these gigantic distribution powerhouses come out of the woodwork to release this movie on Christmas Day or the day before Christmas, or whatever. And suddenly, everybody thinks that it's an expression of being an American to watch a shitty comedy movie! (irritated) This is the smartest thing they possibly could have done!
Maddox: Dick. You are backtracking now!! (yells) 'Cause here's the thing. They had the exact same distribution that they have now. It's the independent theaters who wanted to release this, remember, I mentioned the Alamo Drafthouse in Texas?
Dick: No, the online stuff! The online stuff is new!
Maddox: Okay. But online is different. Look, online is not a theater. Look, they always had that online distribution. People like me, who say, "Fuck North Korea", were gonna air it and watch it anyway. But the online distribution is not the subject. It's the independent theaters that they wouldn't even release to.
Dick: I think that was an afterthought.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I think the getting attention for Google Play, and, like, whatever…what services ended up airing that movie?
Maddox: YouTube.
Dick: A lot of online services that would never air it normally.
Maddox: Wrong! No. YouTube is airing all sorts of movies!
Dick: The same-day releases? You can't go see the Expendables 3 online versus in the theater the day it comes out. Can you? That's not a thing in our world.
Maddox: It…it was. There was one movie, there was one director who did that a while back.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I think it was "The Goon".
Maddox: I think so, yeah.
Dick: It came out simultaneously on theaters and on TV. But I'm saying, I think they made the smartest…by the way. Lemme say this. 'Cause we didn't get into this last week, 'cause the argument was about…(stammers) well, it was a whole other thing. I don't think North Korea did this.
Maddox: Yeah, a lot of people don't think North Korea did this. Which is…again, Dick. You kept coming down on Obama for attacking…calling them cowards, rightly so.
Dick: Yeah! That's right…
Maddox: But it's not Sony's job!!!!!!!
Dick: (interjects) (excited, angry) Ayyyaayayayayayay!!!
Maddox: Dick…Dick..(warning) It's not Sony's job to protect me or anyone else from terrorism. Their job is to make and release movies.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: And that's the United States' job to protect its citizens. You do what you do, you know, life, liberty, and pursuit of happiness, Dick?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: Which was actually from the Declaration of Independence, not the Constitution.
Dick: You look like you're…oh, fuck off!! (yells)
Maddox: (cackles) Yeah.
Dick: Everyone…these fuckin' assholes in the…you say ONE wrong thing…
Maddox: Uh-huh. Oh, one wrong thing.
Dick: And uh, by the way, by the way.
Maddox: Oh! One wrong thing, Dick. 'Cause you had an entire ca…you had so many things last episode. Listen to this. I have…I don't even know if this is Dick Versus Dick, or…
Dick: Were you gonna say I had a cavalcade of mistake last episode?
Maddox: No, I didn't. I didn't. I caught myself.
Dick: Okay. Go ahead. (grins)
Maddox: Um, but…I don't know if this is Dick Versus Dick, or if it's Dick is Full of Shit. I don't even know what segment to play, so I'm gonna go ahead and play this one.
(Clip starts, drum roll, swing-type riff starts. (Dick and Maddox crack up) Diiiiiick. Is full of shiiiiit. Yeah. (Dick: Yeah. Maddox: Yeah.) Cool. (Dick: Cool, man. Maddox: Yeah.) What a drag. (Maddox: Yeahhhh. (Dick and Maddox laugh)) What is truth? (Maddox: Yeah, who knows?) What is fiction? ( Maddox: Not Dick.) Diiiiiiick. Doesn't know. (Maddox: Yeah. You don't know. Dick: I hope you get sued for this song. (Maddox cracks up)) Diiiiick. (Dick: I hope you didn't acquire the rights for it and you get fuckin' sued.) Is full of shiiiiiiit. )
Maddox: That would hurt the show! That's what you would do. (Dick cracks up) Dick, listen, listen to the sheer number of…
Dick: What!?!?!?
Maddox: Of non-factual statements you said last episode. With NO evidence at all. Here's the first one.
Dick: This better not be about dog food.
Maddox: Oookay.
Dick: I'm sick of talking about dog food.
Maddox: Yeah, so am I! So am I, buddy! But here's this one! Listen to this.
(Clip: Dick: "You can't get these people on anything. They don't have to say if it's for pet food that it's euthanized pets. That's the point! It's not a law. They don't have to say anything.")
Dick: True.
Maddox: Wrong! Oh. It's not a law, Dick? 'Cause, actually, it is. (giggles) "The Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act does require that pet foods, like human foods, be safe to eat, produced under sanitary conditions, contain no harmful substances, and be truthfully labeled. Additionally, canned pet food (Dick sighs loudly) must be processed (Maddox giggles) in conformance with low-acid canned food regulations, Title 21, Code of the Federal Regulations Part 113, Abbreviated as 21-CFR-113." There you go, dickhead! It is a fucking law.
Dick: So, what did you, read that out of, like, Internet law books?
Maddox: It's from the FDA.gov.
Dick: Here's the thing, though, Maddox.
Maddox: Okay. (makes a bunch of incoherent, loud noises)
Dick: Look! Look! Look! Look!
Maddox: Oookay. (laughing)
Dick: I'm not a farmer, okay?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: I'm not a farmer and I don't make pet food.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: But just because they say you have to make dog food like this doesn't mean they're doing it.
Maddox: Oh, you're not a farmer? 'Cause here's this one.
(Sound clip: Dick: "It is absolutely illegal to feed those parts to people. Maddox: "What parts?" Dick: "Half of the cow! I don't fucking know. I'm not a farmer!!")
(Maddox and Sean crack up)
Dick: Again, I am consistent. This isn't a Dick Versus Dick.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: Again, I am not a farmer.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Look.
Maddox: No, the important part of that statement is "I don't fucking know!" So, if you're bringing in these statements, these outrageous statements, like they're facts, but you don't fucking know! You have no evidence! Not a single shred of evidence!
Dick: Well. Hold on, though. Hold on. I do. There is evidence of the president of, like, the Dog Food Association on YouTube joking about there being pets in dog food.
Maddox: Joking?
Dick: Well, he's saying it, but he's, like, being…he's, like, talking about the process, and he throws in, "Yeah, you know, there might be a family pet in there, too."
Maddox: Yeah. That's a joke, Dick.
Dick: Wh---why would he say it, then?!!? (yells)
Maddox: I don't know, Dick! So maybe gullible idiot…conspiracy theorists go with their chem trails online and…
Dick: Look! Let's…let's...start with the 50% of the cow.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Okay?
Maddox: Oh!
Dick: You butcher a cow…HOLD THE FUCK ON!!
Maddox: (trying not to laugh) Okay. (laughing)
Dick: Alright? You excited fuck!! Just chill out!
Maddox: (laughing) Go on. Go on.
Dick: (guffaws) (stammers) You have a cow, right? You cut all the meats and stuff off of it, right?
Maddox: Yeah. Mhmm.
Dick: There's stuff remaining.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That you don't feed to people.
Maddox: You can, but you don't…
Dick: (interjects) Well, there's some parts that you can't. But usually you just don't.
Maddox: That's not true.
Dick: Yeah. You can't feed a fucking spinal cord to people.
Maddox: You can do anything you want with any part of the cattle. If you want to take the spinal cord…
Dick: (interjects) Ugh, you're fucking killing me.
Maddox: …and put it in a broth, and melt it down…(Dick scoffs) If you cook something long enough, it will be melted down and consumable.
Dick: The shit? The shit in the bowels? Are you allowed to feed that to people? I don't think you are!
Maddox: Look, if you…you cannot mislead people. You cannot mislabel them. And, Dick. Here's what you said about that last episode, too, again. No evidence.
(Clip: Dick: "It totally is!" Maddox: "Cite one law." Dick: "I don't have these made-up laws in my head!" Maddox: "And yet you're SURE of it!!")
Maddox: Yeah.
(Clip: Dick: "I'm not SURE of it!!")
Maddox: That's IT! You're not sure of it.
Dick: I'm not sure of it. No! But I don't trust that the FDA is looking at pet food!
Maddox: Oh, that…why?
Dick: Like, when a bag of pet…because it's not their fuckin' job!
Maddox: It is their job, according to the FDA's own website.
Dick: No, it's not. It's not their job to ensure that our pets are eating…(Maddox: Oh, my God.) safely. It's just not.
Maddox: It is! It is.
Dick: Oh, that's ridiculous.
Maddox: I cited the actual fucking law, Dick! And you're just saying "No. Nah, nah, nah." You're plugging your ears and saying "No."
Dick: No! I just don't think it's…there's a lot of laws that are on the books that there aren't people out policing!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, and you're so fond of checking appendices, but you forgot to check the appendix of the appendix that you looked at. (grins)
Dick: What'd it say?
Maddox: There's over 74 samples of dog food, all from different brands, Neutro, Olroy, Trailblazer, Pedigree, Dad's, Weiss Value, Friskies, Rich Foods, Safeway, Heinz, Purina, Choice Kibble Select…
Dick: (interjects) It goes on and on, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You can read it online.
Maddox: 74 different samples.
Dick: Look, Maddox. Here's…here's where that argument came from. I think that you can feed your dog better food. They'll have a healthier life.
Maddox: Not true. It's not. The FDA does regulate it.
Dick: Well, here's an actual lawyer who agrees with me.
Maddox: Mmkay. (skeptical)
Dick: Uh, Brittany White says, "My understanding from a quick review of the law in your jurisdiction is that there are specific offense provisions for the sale of meat or meat food and products for human consumption, which are not prepared for human consumption but are otherwise appropriately prepared for animal consumption in accordance with…" bla, bla, bla, bla. "Any person who ….. any other meat or meat food product intended for human food with horse meat or the product of an animal which has died, otherwise….slaughter (Dick reads so fast it makes no sense)"
Dick: I don't even fuckin' understand what I'm reading here.
Maddox: (laughs) Yeah.
Dick: "…shall be guilty of a felony punishable by a fine of…" blablablabla.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. I…
Dick: (interjects) Here's the important part.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: "So unfortunately, in this regard, it would appear that Dick was right. But nevertheless, go fuck yourself…" I don't know why it's unfortunate that I was right. "Signed, your friendly neighborhood Internet and real-life lawyer."
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. Um, did you…did you happen to go on and read the rest of the comments, 'cause I replied to that and I said, "That's not what Dick was saying. Of course it's illegal…"
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but you don't know what I was saying.
Maddox: Yes, I do.
Dick: No you don't!
Maddox: If you…(laughs) Of course it's illegal…
Dick: (interjects) You don't fucking know what I'm saying!
Maddox: Let me finish. Let me finish.
Dick: (interjects) You don't know what I'm saying, though!
Maddox: No one does.
Dick: You still don't know what I'm saying!
Maddox: I think you don't know what you're saying, Dick. The…look. It says, "Of course it's illegal to adulterate meat sold to humans. Dick was saying that there are parts of cow that are illegal to sell for human consumption."
Dick: True.
Maddox: That's absolutely not true. (Dick scoffs) That's absolutely not true. You can buy any part of a cow and you can do whatever you want with it, as long as you don't mislead the consumer. That's all it is.
Dick: Okay. Let's…moving beyond that?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: The whole point is that it's better to feed your dogs better food.
Maddox: There's no evidence.
Dick: Ugh, my god, with your evidence! (Maddox cracks up) So, do YOU eat better food? Do you…given the choice between processed meat, like fast food, and organic food, what do you choose?
Maddox: Uh, it depends. (stammers) I pick whatever is cheapest. I look at the value that I'm gonna get for the food. If…if organic food costs two or three times as much, I'm not going to eat it. But, Dick, we've gotten way off track.
Dick: There you go, then. I mean, that sums it up perfectly. Between the two, I'm picking organic, 'cause it's better for your life.
Maddox: Oh.
Dick: It's better for your body.
Maddox: Oh, is it?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Interesting.
Dick: It is.
Maddox: Okay. Well, uh…remember that.
Dick: If that makes me fucking stupid, for thinking that, like…(Maddox cracks up)…food grown to make you, like, organic food that's grown to make you healthy, not specifically organic, "Oh, it's an organic label, it doesn't actually mean anything!" (whiny voice) But if you trust the brand, it's better than buying it from, like, some mass-processed joint.
Maddox: Oh, it's a nice story. Yeah. (Dick and Sean crack up) I mean, it's…it's nice on paper. By the way, Dick, we need to mention that we have pretty much a full studio audience with us today.
Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)
Maddox: We have…we have so many people listening…just guests in the studio. So if you hear a lot of people laughing, that's why. Um, Dick, also, I want to mention at the top of the show. Our transcribers, Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock did a very nice thing, and they sent us a Christmas package. A care package full of gifts.
Dick: That is nice of them.
Maddox: And they…it's very nice of them. They wrote a bunch of nice notes and quotes from the show, and we are going to unwrap these gifts at the end of the show. However, I brought one in. I accidentally unwrapped it early thinking that it was for me. I think it's more for the entire show.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Um, I want to mention this. They sent this in. (Dick cracks up) It's a book. It says, "Cuss Control. The Complete Book on How To Curb Your Cursing."
Dick: Yeah. (grins) Are you gonna read out of it?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. This is…and the quote they put on here is from Episode #12. It's a quote for me. It says, "Um, what's more meaningful than the word 'fuck'"? (Dick giggles) So, I believe, Dick, this was from the Cuss Control Academy, that…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. I remember bringing them in.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause "Too Much Swearing" was one of my problems.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (Dick giggles) So, to prove the point, this is…I'm reading from the book. "To prove the point, this list contains 70 common uses of the work 'shit'. Who the shit knows?"
Dick: (laughs) That's their first one!?
Maddox: That's the first one. (cracks up) "Who the shit cares?" "You're shit out of luck." "Don't give me that shit." "Cut the shit." "What the shit's wrong?" (laughs)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "She thinks she's hot shit." "I was scared shitless." "He's a dipshit." "I am in deep shit." "Shit happens." "He's full of shit." "Bullshit." "That's horse shit." "What a lucky shit." "Holy shit!" "I took a lot of shit from him." "Oh, what the shit?" and it just goes…there's, like, two pages of this. "Eat shit." "He's a fat shit." "I was knee-deep in shit." "I got stuck with the shit work."
Dick: How about "Stop putting shit in your body by eating processed foods?" (grins)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Well.
Dick: No?
Maddox: You know, maybe when there's evidence for that. Um, points to ponder…(cracks up)
Dick: Evidence.
Maddox: Swearing…
Dick: Oh, you fucking…(laughs) Go! Go. Go, go.
Maddox: It says here, "Swearing is not the worst thing you can do, but you must be careful about when and where you swear to avoid offending others and appearing ignorant." Wow. That's a pretty lofty statement. So, um…
Dick: That's kinda true.
Maddox: Nope.
Dick: No?
Maddox: To avoid appearing…
Dick: (interjects) Do you walk into business meetings and just start swearing up a storm? "What's up, you spicy motherfuckers? Hey, I'm Maddox. I'm here to pitch you a fuckin' show!"
Maddox: Hey, uh…your hero…(laughs)
Dick: Is that how you do it?
Maddox: Sometimes. (Dick laughs) So, there's a section in this book…there's a chapter, it says, "Replacing the excremental exclamation". They say, "The word "shit" is a solitary expression of disgust that has evolved to serve as a suitable expletive for any negative mood.." bla, bla, bla, bla, bla. So, they give…they list a bunch of alternates to use instead of the word "shit". Here they are. And uh, Dick, I'm going to challenge you and Sean for the rest of this episode, let's try to use some of these alternates.
Dick: Okay. Yeah, this is great.
Maddox: Okay? Here…here they are. "Nuts!" "Curses." "Cripes." "Yikes." "Criminy!" (Dick and Maddox giggle) "Egad!" "Mercy!"
Dick: What about "Hamburgers!"?
Maddox: Uh, "Hamburgers is not on the list, but I think we could use it, because, "Dangnabbit" is! "Good grief", "Holy cow", "Holy mackerel", "Darn it", "Blast it", "Oh man!", or the favorite, "Man oh man!"
Dick: Man oh man.
Maddox: "Oh, brother!" "Dangit!" "I don't believe it!" "Gadzooks!", and "Nerts".
Dick: Wait a minute. But there's none on there for if I wanted to say, like "Stop saying this "s" that you're saying, like, stop with…" I can't say, "Stop saying this cripes", right?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, it says here, so, it has different phrases and expressions.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: So instead of, like, "Who the shit knows?" or "Who the shit cares?"
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Or "It's a shit hole!" You can say "dump" or "shack" instead. It's a dumphole or a shackhole.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: Instead of "It's a piece of shit", you can say "It's a piece of junk", or "trash".
Dick: Oh. I already knew those words.
Maddox: "She doesn't know shit", you could replace "shit" with "anything". (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Dick: Come on!!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) "I have a shit load of stuff." Instead of saying shitload…
Dick: I have a lot of stuff?
Maddox: Yeah. A load, a ton, a pile. Instead of…
Dick: (interjects) An abundance. They couldn't, like, improve your vocabulary? That's the whole reason you use curse words! Because you don't have a big enough vocabulary.
Maddox: Dick! This is written for 3-year-olds. Like crybabies who think that there's too much swearing. (taunts) Instead of "tough shit", "tough luck", or "too bad".
Dick: I have a plethora of stuff. (Maddox laughs) I have a plethora of shit over here.
Maddox: Yeah. Instead of "no shit", "no kidding", or "I know". (laughs) Instead of "no shit". "I know." "We were shooting the shit." "Breeze" or "bull". Instead of "He kicked the shit out of the guy."
Dick: (guffaws) Three year olds!? Three year olds need advice on how to say I kicked the shit…I kicked the, uh…what is it?
Maddox: "Kicked the shit out of the guy".
Dick: What's the substitute, though?
Maddox: Oh, the substitute? Daylights, tar, or stuffings.
Dick: "I kicked the stuffing out of that guy."
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: A lot of three-year-olds walkin' around like..(guffaws)…like sailors.
Maddox: (chuckles) Instead of "He's a shithead", "He's a jerk", "dope", or "mean person".
Dick: Myeah.
Maddox: Yeah. You're a real mean person, Dick. (laughs)
Dick: Alright. Can I…play some voice mails for you?
Maddox: Let's do it.
Dick: I'm sick of arguing about this shit. I'm sorry. I'm sick of arguing about this nonsense.
Maddox: There we go! (amused) Cuss control.
Dick: Uh, oh, you'll like this one. Let's get all the anti-me stuff out of the way first.
Maddox: Alright.
(Voice mail: (cartoony Animaniacs imitation of Dick) "Heyyyyyyy, everybody, it's me, Dick Masterson! (Dick, Sean and Maddox crack up) And I just wanted to say, Maddox, I was listening to the last episode and well, (popping sound), sorry, it's a little hard to talk with George W. Bush's dick in my mouth. (Maddox cracks up laughing, Dick laughs) Anyway, Maddox …………….who are bringing in all these facts, that's basically it. Alright. I gotta go.")
Maddox: Great.
Dick: I don't sound like that, do I? (laughs)
Maddox: Great voice mail. Oh, that wasn't you?
Dick: No, it wasn't.
Maddox: I thought you were calling in to the show as a joke.
Dick: It could be. I got really drunk this week. It could have been me. I don't know. Uh…here's another…a celebrity called in. This is pretty interesting.
(Voice mail: (terrible Asian voice caricature) "Herro, Biggest Problem in the Universe. (Maddox and Dick crack up) This is Kim Jong-Un. (Dick: Oh, this is cool.) Calling to warn you that if you post the last episode in January, the Korean People's Army will bomb every strip crub and Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey Factory in the United States.")
Dick: Every strip club?!?!
Maddox: Every strip crub?! (Dick cracks up)
(Voice mail: We know that Maddox with unreasonable and imperious views such as principle and bravery, will not listen to us. (Maddox laughing) But perhaps the cowardly Dick Masterson will see the wisdom in our words. (Dick: That's it. Show's cancelled.) Fuck you Maddox, and fuck you, Dick. ")
Maddox: Ohhh. Wow!
Dick: Live show's cancelled. You heard the guy.
Maddox: He called into the show. He's a big listener, I guess. Hey, uh…(laughs) That was hilarious, um.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: We should probably cancel the show to cowtow to North Korea, like Sony did. Um, but hold on, Dick. I actually got a voice mail, too. This one's a fan-sent-in remix. I think you'll like this.
Dick: Oh, I was gonna play this at the end.
(Clip: Dick: "You would eat a burger that had…KNOWING that the animals in it had been put to death chemically and that the chemicals were still bouncing around in side of them." Maddox: "Uh, yeah. They probably have some process to get rid of the chemicals. It's probably…" Dick: "No." Maddox: "Yeah, how do you know, Dick?" Dick: "Because that's why..that's the difference between a food that's able to be consumed by animals and one that's able to be consumed by humans. (Mix starts, with "The difference between" and "able to be consumed" on a loop over and over.) Then, a clip from the Scatman starts with scatting…adding Dick's loop into it. (Maddox and Dick crack up) "I'm the Scatman!!" Mixing in scatting with "able to be consumed" (Maddox: Dick, I didn't know you could sing! Dick: "Yeah, I can sing." Maddox: It's amazing!!) (Maddox laughs) Mix continues, then fades out)
Maddox: Oh, man. What a great song. (Dick laughing)
Dick: Okay. Here's one, umm…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Here's one for you.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey, this is Jordan from bountiful Utah. (Dick: Hmm.) Um, this message is mostly directed to Maddox. (Maddox: My hometown.)Um, apparently Sony is one of the biggest problems in the universe, but not enough to where he won't buy the Playstation 4. (Maddox: Yeah.) I mean, I get that you're probably into Dark Souls and you're gonna want to get Blood Born, but (Dick: True.) Jesus Christ dude, there's so many more options to play video games!! (Maddox: Mmmno.) Like, if you're really desperate buy an Xbox, or build a computer, that's nice. (Maddox: Yeah, I just built a computer, buddy!) Anyway, there's that in case, you know, those options exist.")
Dick: Yeah, what's up with that? You're always talking about principles.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I mean, I know it's fun to bring in things, like, to fuck with me, like…
Maddox: Right…(cackles)
Dick: …with these stupid stats, but you ARE always talking about principles.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And that you hate Sony, but…
Maddox: I hate Sony.
Dick: But you're probably gonna buy a PS4.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: So where the fuck are your principles?
Maddox: So, I like video games and I like movies more than I hate Sony, so if they release a movie a video game that I want to see, that I feel that I need to support that are more than I hate the company, I have no choice but to do it. It's kind of like…it's kind of like, Dick, I hate telemarketing companies, yet I worked for one for nine and a half years.
Dick: Well.
Maddox: So, I did that because I wanted to pay my bills. I hate being homeless and decrepit more than I hate telemarketing companies.
Dick: Eh, however you wanna justify it, man.
Maddox: Yeah, that's…
Dick: (interjects) That's the beauty about having no principles. You don't have to do those longwinded, backwards justifications of anything. Here's another one.
Maddox: Oh, you got me there.
(Voice mail: (male voice) "Hey Maddox, this is Ian. I love the show. You know, for a guy who wrote a book called "I Am Better Than Your Kids", you sure had a touching story about how disappointed you were that your mom didn't like your bottle full of glitter. (Maddox and Dick crack up) So I guess you probably learned your lesson and had great gifts for all the women in your life from then on. C'mon.")
Dick: Do you see what he's sayin'?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Isn't the whole premise of your book that you should be hard on kids to make them better?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And then your story's all about your mom saying you did a shitty job, or sorry, you did a cripes job. (Maddox cracks up) Cripesy job.
Maddox: Criminy. Criminy. (cracking up)
Dick: Criminy job with your…a nutsy job with your Christmas present to her…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Did that make you better at buying gifts for women, or did it just make you very bitter about it?
Maddox: Hey. Yeah, well, I'm not criticizing her parenting method. I am criticizing…she's just an asshole. Uh…I mean. (Dick cracks up laughing)
Dick: So not her parenting method, just her!!! (dying of laughter)
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick is still laughing) And it wasn't glitter, dickhead! It was this fucking sparkly…it was reflective shit. That's science! I gave her a bottle of science. That's what I did.
Dick: Uh, it's different than glitter?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's little particles that sparkle?
Maddox: Uh…(background laughter)…well, when you put it that way, Dick.
Dick: Alright. Um, I might have one more voice mail. Let's see here. A lot of girls in the comments were saying that they want you to buy them presents.
Maddox: Yeaaaaaah. (grins)
Dick: Did you see those?
Maddox: Well, who doesn't? I'm a great gift giver!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Very thoughtful. I'm a really good gift giver, I think. I mean, uh…you know. 100% of women would disagree, but… (laughs and trails off)
Dick: Yeah. Well, definitely the one thing I don't want to hear is their side of the story on this.
Maddox: Well, fair enough.
(Voice mail: (female voice) "Hi, I was just calling to let you guys know that Maddox with his Sony problem totally, totally won. Um…but, if it makes a difference, it sounds like Maddox loses in life (Maddox: Okay. Great. (Dick and Sean crack up), if he can't have somebody appreciate his…(Dick: No, she's for you.) gifts that he gives! Which sound like awesome gifts. (Maddox: Awesome gifts.) Fuck you, Dick.")
Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhh!! Alright.
Maddox: There it is.
Dick: Alright, I got a lot of comments, but I think we're running out of time.
Maddox: We are. We are…so, we still have to open the rest of these gifts. We're gonna open them up at the end of the episode. We'll see what…we're gonna see live on air. There's one other gift I did open early, 'cause they said it was specifically for me, and it was a giant, rubber tit that they sent me…(giggles) because they quoted you in the Road Rage episode, Dick. If you want to read that quote. Um…they sent me this big tit. And you'll see why.
Dick: Whoa. This tit's heavy.
Maddox: Yeah. It's a heavy tit!
Dick: Oohohohohoh!! My God!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: This is like, a real…it's like, a perfect sphere…a flesh-colored sphere with a giant nipple on one side.
Maddox: That is absolutely a tit.
Dick: It's heavy.
Maddox: Yep.
Dick: Uh, they said, "You need to chill out. You need to have a stress ball in your car." Dick Masterson, Episode 9. So this is what you're gonna have in your car from now on.
Maddox: (sighs) Yeah, I guess I'll squeeze this big tit when I'm angry. (giggles) Which I don't know if it's a good thing! I don't..want to…
Dick: No, that's exactly what you need in your life. A gigantic tit in your car. Another gigantic tit…
Maddox: Another gigantic tit! I was gonna say!!! (laughs) 'Cause I already got you!
Dick: That you can squeeze like a maniac as you're driving around town, one hand on the horn and the other hand on the tit.
Maddox: Hey, might calm me down, man. Who knows? Classical music doesn't do it. Alright, Dick. Should we get to the problems? We've got a lot of…lot of ground to cover.
Dick: Yeah. I'm trying to see if anybody called me a pussy in a funny enough way to read on the show. Uh, no, I don't think…let's just go right to the problems. So, my problem…my problem this week is…it's not necessarily Christmas-themed; however, I did think of it because of Christmas. So, my whole family's in town for Christmas, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: My parents. My sister. Her husband, my brother in law.
Maddox: They came to the live show.
Dick: They did. And they have a kid. They have a two year old kid. Right? So one of the most fun things to do in life that I've found, after they had this kid, is buying presents for little kids. Like, for children.
Maddox: That's fun?
Dick: It's very fun. And I'll tell…I'll explain it to you the best way I can.
Maddox: Good, 'cause I…yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Because I wouldn't have thought so either, before I started doing it. But you can walk through a store and just heap presents into a cart. Like, you can heap, like a sleigh full of presents into your cart that cost, like, 50 bucks. And I don't know about you, but I remember being a kid and having to, like, argue and chisel sometimes, at my parents to get the toys that I wanted?
Maddox: Yup.
Dick: But here I am as an adult exercising my power of just filling a shopping cart with toys for this kid.
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Right?
Maddox: Why was it such a big fucking deal when we were growing up?
Dick: Uh, I think it's because we were little assholes. Probably.
Maddox: Uh, I'm sorry. Why was it an 'egads' big deal when we were growing up? (Dick guffaws, background laughter)
Dick: That's…that's how it's fun. Because you get to feel powerful. You understand that.
Maddox: Yeah. I like to feel powerful.
Dick: Yeah. So, buying presents for a kid that you know is a powerful feeling.
Maddox: Dick, to play Devil's Advocate, couldn't you also feel powerful by not buying them presents?
Dick: Uhh….
Maddox: Mmmmm? Think about it.
Dick: I…I don't know. I don't wanna get into one of these rabbit holes with you right now. (Maddox chuckles) So I bought…I like buying this kid, like, the presents that I would have loved as a kid.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Like, presents that are, like, a little bit dangerous. No educational value at all.
Maddox: Crossbows.
Dick: Yeah. Like, I'm counting down the years where I can get him, like, a BB gun, or like, a motorcycle or a drumset. Stuff like that.
Maddox: Piranha.
Dick: His dad…his father is in the studio right now with us, by the way.
Maddox: Yes!
Dick: So this kid's two. I walk in to Wal-Mart knowing exactly what I'm gonna get him. A gigantic remote control monster truck. Right?
Maddox: Cool.
Dick: It's awesome!
Maddox: Yeah. Great gift.
Dick: Just drive over all the other toys.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: In my…like, thematically, I wanted to drive over all the other toys that he gets this Christmas.
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: And literally.
Maddox: And literally.
Dick: And literally. So I find one at Wal-Mart. Of course, perfect. Bring it down to him Christmas day, he opens it up, and is like, "Ohhhhhh…" he can't say it. Like, he can speak, but…
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: You know. Their syntax isn't perfect. So he's like "Monster truck! Monster truck! Big monster truck!" Pull it out of the box. He loves it, is what I'm saying.
Maddox: Of course.
Dick: Pull it out of the box. Take it outside. Oh, man. I feel awesome.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I just fuckin' aced all the other presents.
Maddox: Cool.
Dick: Why? 'Cause I know what it's like to be a kid.
Maddox: Yeah. You want something to destroy all your other toys.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: We drive that thing for maybe 10 minutes. Immediately fucking stops turning left.
Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhh!! Bullshit, man!
Dick: Immediately. You know fu…you know how embarrassing that is?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Uncle Dick. Disappointment.
Dick: Yeah. Toy broken. The kid's…let's go. Let's drive it. Drive it. Dude, I can't. It's broken. So I'm sitting outside trying to fix this thing.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Right? He's moved on to the other…now the other toys are what he likes.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Now all the other toys that I wanted to shit all over are his favorite. 'Cause this monster truck is broken. It's not reliable.
Maddox: Yeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. Oh, man.
Dick: I'm sitting there cursing myself. (sighs) Cursing my life. Wondering who I can blame for this. Trying to fix these shitty servos that are underneath the monster truck, to get it working again? Or to get it working on Christmas Day again?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: What do I fuckin' see on the bottom of this thing? Made in China.
Maddox: Ooookay!
Dick: That's my problem!
Maddox: (laughing) This took a twist!
Dick: Made in China!
Maddox: Okay. Your problem is…what is it? What's the…
Dick: Made in China!
Maddox: No, there's a fallacy here!
Dick: Made in Fuckin' China!!
Maddox: I'm trying to…I need to look it up. (laughing)
Dick: It's not a fallacy! It's made in China. Shit that is made in China sucks.
Maddox: No. Not always.
Dick: Not always. Get outta here.
Maddox: A lot of stuff is made in China.
Dick: Not always. (irritated)
Maddox: No! You can get some high-quality stuff in China.
Dick: Are you gonna sit here and tell me that, like, overall, in the grand scheme of things, shit that you're buying, shit that us Americans are buying, the stuff that's made in China is not garbage?
Maddox: Yes. Absolutely. And I'll tell you why. Because I've been to China. I've been to multiple parts of China.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And I remember going to a place in Hong Kong where it was kind of like a place with street hawkers and they were selling all sorts of high-end products and knockoffs, Louis Vitton bags, all that shit, right? And I remember walking down this one aisle, and they had every kind of dress shirt you could possibly imagine from every brand from Van Heussen to Hugo Boss, to everything under the sun. And they were all just different packaging. You just pointed to the shirt that you liked and they would take the packaging out, whatever brand you wanted, and they would make it that brand. Because it all comes from the same factories. There's a handful of factories in China and Indonesia and Haiti that produce these garments, and it's all the same stuff, and they fool people. Consumers who think that they're buying high-quality steaks and dog food, like yourself.
Dick: Here we go.
Maddox: (laughs) Into…into.
Dick: I buy Hugo Boss, too.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah! I know!!!
Dick: Put that on the list of nice things that I buy.
Maddox: It's coming from China! It's coming from the same factory that makes Adidas and Payless shoes, buddy. It's all the same stuff.
Dick: Well, and that's…well, I started researching this, because I do think…I do think that everything comes out of there that we get access to is garbage. Like, what you're saying about being able to walk around in China and buy nice things at discount rates?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Because it's all the same stuff. That's true. But it doesn't get over here.
Maddox: No, that's not true. Of course it gets over here.
Dick: As what? In the form of knockoffs?
Maddox: I think that the majority of things that you buy, whether you know it or not, if they're…probably Chinese. The majority of things that you use from day to day…
Dick: (interjects) Yes! Everything is made in China.
Maddox: Yeah. And so, just because your shitty toy broke down. And by the way, Dick. Not all toys that come from China will break down. There's a lot of high-quality products you can buy from China.
Dick: I feel like I'm arguing that Florida is warmer than New York with you. Yeah, there's some days when Florida's not warm, but by and large, it's fuckin' warm, and it's warmer than New York. Like, you're saying that China makes quality goods? (incredulous)
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Absolutely…absolutely FALSE! Is my opinion on that. (Maddox laughs) So I…look, look, look, look, look. I don't want to get too lost in the weeds here, because China is, like, my rosebud. Like, I'll get drunk and start ranting about it, like rosebuuud. Chinnnnna. Chiiiiina. Uh, there's this book that I found called "Poorly Made in China".
Maddox: (giggles) Mmmkay. This sounds like it's gonna be unbiased. Go on. (laughs)
Dick: Well, of course it's biased! The guy's got an opinion, 'cause he's…I think he's Chinese. He, like, speaks Chinese, worked in China for a long time.
Maddox: Sure, sure, sure.
Dick: Then he goes through…he goes through a normal manufacturer in China's business model.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You understand what I'm saying?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Like, this is how they make money. They make a contract with you.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: Like, an American designer. Let's say you're making, uh, Maddox hot sauce. Right?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And you got a secret formula for hot sauce.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Secret formula. It'll make your dick bigger. It'll put hair on your chest. This is your hot sauce.
Maddox: Right? That's my brand!!
Dick: Yeah. So you take it over and they say, "Yeah, no problem. We'll manufacture it for whatever it takes. Whatever it takes to get the contract." Right? So they sell it back to you, but then, they sell your recipe. They sell your intellectual property everywhere else in the world. To make their money back.
Maddox: Yeah. Right.
Dick: Including internally.
Maddox: Ah.
Dick: THEN, once they get it set up. Once they get that process set up, their ENTIRE business model is cutting their costs. Sometimes dangerously and unethically.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You see what I'm saying?
Maddox: True.
Dick: Like, if you have, like, an awesome monster truck, they'll just start cutting the quality of the servos. They'll replace springs with those stupid bent-up paper clips that are not as good as springs.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And they break within, like, 10 minutes of using them. That's what he says. This guy, "Poorly Made in China". That's their entire business model.
Maddox: Oh, interesting. You know, Dick, that's a huge, huge problem.
Dick: Why are you already smug? Why are you already fucking smug about this?! (Maddox cracks up) I cannot believe you think they make quality products!
Maddox: Well, you know, it's not just me, Dick. It's…it's millions and millions of consumers. In fact, these consumers are a certain type of consumer. They're luxury product purchasers. And they like to buy…
Dick: (interjects) What…wait, what do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?
Maddox: I'll get to it. I'll get to it.
Dick: No, I don't understand the first thing you said.
Maddox: Oh, I'm saying that…
Dick: What types of consumers are you talking about?
Maddox: There's a certain type of consumer that buys luxury brands.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Like, say you were gonna buy, I don't know. A cell phone. And you had a choice between Samsung and HTC, some lower end models. Supposedly, you know, they're cheaper. Or you can buy the high-end luxury brand, like say, oh, I don't know. An iPhone. Where is the iPhone manufactured, again? Can you refresh my memory? Was it, uh…
Dick: China.
Maddox: Oh, it's China?! Interesting. And yet, it's considered a luxury product and the highest quality. You've said multiple times, Dick. That YOU buy Apple products, 'cause you just want it to "work". A bullet point from their own website. And yet, all these products are made in China. How do you explain that?
Dick: You're getting way off topic. I just…
Maddox: (interjects) These are made in China!!!!! (yells) Why…why are you cherry picking, here?
Dick: I'm not cherry picking. I buy an iPhone over the Android alternative just because I don't want to think about it that much, and I personally think it's a better phone. There's a lot of features that I wish it had that the Androids probably do, but…
Maddox: (interjects) We're not talking…okay.
Dick: (interjects) I'd rather just…
Maddox: We're not talking Apple versus Android here. We're talking is the iPhone a quality product?
Dick: I…I don't know what to compare it to.
Maddox: Dick. Compa…do you think it's a high quality product?
Dick: Of cour…yes. I'll just…yes. Yes. Yes, yes. Yeah, sure.
Maddox: And where is it made?
Dick: In China. What are you, judging it all by the iPhone?
Maddox: Well, so…we can cherry pick all day long, but until or unless you provide some kind of evidence that the majority of products come from China are faulty, or shoddy, or poor craftsmanship…
Dick: What the fuck does a majority…I'm sorry, what the fudge does a majority of products have to do with it?
Maddox: Good grief, Dick. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: Maddox, you understand that it's not…it's not that black and white. I'm just saying that in general, Chinese…I feel that the Chinese business model, according to this book, Poorly Made in China, is to cut the quality of the products. I have a big problem with that.
Maddox: Well, some companies do and some companies don't, Dick. It's hard to say that…it's hard to generalize and be accurate. You can't generalize the entire country. There's a billion people in China.
Dick: Like fuckin' dog food owners are all smug assholes and people wearing ugly Christmas sweaters are all smug assholes? You have a problem with generalizing like that, you fuckin' asshole? I'm sorry, you fudging assweed! (Maddox laughs) That's still bad! You farting…uhhh….
Maddox: What do you got, Sean?
Dick: What? (laughing)
Sean: Well, it's not Maddox's fault that everybody is a smug asshole.
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: Yeah, that's true.
Dick: Hey, can I tell you something real quick?
Maddox: Yeah, what.
Dick: Um, my dad…my mom got a new computer for Christmas, and I said, "What are you gonna do with the old one?" Uh, 'cause it's like…you sell it. You get rid of it, right?
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: She got a new laptop.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: My dad goes, "No, keep it! 'Cause I want to be able to play DVDs on it." And I said DVDs? Who the hell has DVDs? And he goes, "Hey, try not to be such a smug asshole all the time." I was like, "What the HELL?!" (laughs) That's a good insult!
Maddox: Wooooowwww.
Dick: Where did that come from?! And he goes "Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listening to your podcast has taught me how to insult people!" (Maddox cracks up) It's, like, goddamn it!!!
Maddox: He got your number, buddy!
Dick: Gosh darn it, I mean!
Maddox: Yeah, gosh darn it! He got your number, buddy! He totally called you out on that. 'Cause you were being smug about DVDs. But here's the thing, Dick. Look, you can get good quality products from China. You can get bad quality products from China. If you try to generalize the Chinese people as a whole…
Dick: People. (incredulous)
Maddox: Well, you're saying that Chinese people…'cause products made in China are made by Chinese people. They're not importing Filipinos into China…well, I mean sometimes, maybe.
Dick: Wellll, yeah.
Maddox: Look, in general…
Dick: I don't think it's their PEOPLE, though. I think it's their business model.
Maddox: Well, but who is they? Who is they? Who are you talking about? Chinese people, right?
Dick: Well, no!
Maddox: Isn't that the business model of Americans, Dick?
Dick: Um, no, no. I think it's more complicated than that. Because I think their government has a large role in setting how…in setting what they're supposed to focus on as, in business. Like, I think in general, their idea is to increase exports no matter what, and our government doesn't have a role like that with our businesses. Like, I think they're a lot more free to do whatever they want here. Which means, yeah, sometimes it is about cutting costs, but a lot of times, it's like being true to their own corporate vision.
Maddox: Well…yeah, but that also exists in China.
Dick: I…I don't think it is. I don't think it's like you're saying. I think the government definitely has a decree of, "Yeah, we're exporting." And exports are important.
Maddox: Well, true. But I know for a fact that in China, there are certain companies that do have this kind of, uhh…you know, they're kind of like the Nestle corporation or…I'm not sure if it's Nestle or Hershey's, one of the two. Um, there are companies out in China that aren't just profit driven. But you're essentially arguing against the capitalist model, Dick.
Dick: How?!
Maddox: Which is, they're trying to make as much money, they're maximizing their profit, by cutting corners and doing what they can.
Dick: How is that arguing against capitalism, though?
Maddox: Because that's what capitalism is. Maximize your profits, right?
Dick: Ohhhhhh. No, no, no, no, no. But this is…to say it's capitalism…
Maddox: Yeah. It is.
Dick: It's not capitalism to have countries trading with other countries…uh, hold on.
Maddox: Go on. (chuckles)
Dick: No, no, no, no, no. (stammers) Like, capitalism is…(sighs) Oh, God. It's very simplistic to say that the economic policy of a government against other governments counts as capitalism. Do you under…do you know…like, they enjoy certain tariffs and, like, export incentives that we just don't in America, or anywhere else in the world. And I think it's harmful for our…for the products they make AND for the people in China.
Maddox: Well, potentially. But one of the few…
Dick: I mean, potentially.
Maddox: Well, potentially. We have to…we have to establish that. You can't just make a CLAIM with that evidence.
Dick: Well there's…no. I actually have studies about this! Calm the fuck down! I brought this stuff in!
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Uh, hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I gotta skip ahead, 'cause this took a really weird turn really quickly. So the Economic Policy Institute, which (stammers) I don't even want to read in the comments what kind of an institute this is, but they say that the effect of outsourcing all of our production over there, if we did it…if there wasn't this, whatever. Policy. For China to focus on exports. The increase in total American salaries would be up 230 billion dollars. The US GDP would be up almost 500 billion dollars, and the net good exports would be up 400 billion. I'm rounding up. But these are the size of the numbers we're talking about.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Like, if we're talking about saving a couple bucks…
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: By manufacturing stuff in China and shipping it over, which I think is shit. This is the cost to us. Billions and billions of dollars, up to…I think it's up to 500 billion of the…lemme read it first. Yeah. If we stopped making stuff in China, it would be…it would reduce the trade deficit by up to 500 billion over three years. That's not capitalism. Like, you can't say that that's just capitalism.
Maddox: It…it is. Essentially, the business model that we have now is capitalism. You have companies in America. American companies who want to maximize their profit. And the only reason they close shop in America and shut doors here, is because it was more profitable to do it in China with fewer regulations. They don't have to worry about unions. They don't have to worry about all these things that we have that…
Dick: They do have unions over there.
Maddox: Well, sure, but it's nothing…nowhere nearly as strong. It doesn't have the teeth that American unions have. Um, but in China, they can skirt a lot of regulations. They don't have to worry about safety as much. They don't have to worry about working conditions.
Dick: They don't have to worry about intellectual property, either. They just sell whatever you got to somebody else!
Maddox: Well, yeah, Dick, but that's also hard to…I mean, obviously it's not a problem to Apple, because they're manufacturing their iPhones overseas and they don't have a problem with it.
Dick: I mean, you've, you've picked, like, a company that has so much money, they can hover over these manufacturing plants like God. Nobody can get away with stuff, 'cause they're…but, like, the average…the fudging monster truck that I bought for my nephew?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Hopelessly broken. And it's this…it's these horseshit policies that prevent uh…what? What are you looking up? It's these policies that prevent American manufacturing from making this stuff…the stats I read said, like, it's up to, like 5.8 million jobs; we could be making these things in the US versus shipping it out to China. And I'm…that's all I'm gonna say. Go ahead and respond to it, but that's my problem.
Maddox: Yeah, Dick. You know, I'm not gonna totally shit on the problem, 'cause I think that there are some crap products that come from China, and it really just depends on the Chinese manufacturer. Some are good; some are bad. What can you say? I mean, it's hard to make the case that uh…just in general, as a blanket statement, all products coming from China are crap. Because we…
Dick: (interjects) I'm not saying it's all!!!
Maddox: (interjects) Well, how----(stammers)
Dick: (interjects) I mean, admit that I'm not saying it's all!
Maddox: Okay, what percentage would you say? The majority?
Dick: Uh…more. I'm saying other countries would…us specifically, would make a better product because our business model is not set up to drive costs down. You can't…
Maddox: It absolutely is!
Dick: Oh, it's not!!! No it isn't!! (yells)
Maddox: Well, it's company by company.
Dick: That shit's illegal here that you can do over there! Of course it's not about driving costs down at any cost!!!
Maddox: Well, not at any cost, but that's what companies are always trying to do, is trying to save…make a buck, right?
Dick: It's these fractions of a percent that matter. That's what I'm saying. It's not all products are shit, are products here are great. It's the fractions of a percent. It's the failure rate of 8% versus 10%. It's the amount that it costs in the long run that I'm talking about. And it's the pervasive problem that everything is made in China because of this. That's my problem.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Did that make any sense?
Maddox: Well…I…I'm not sure you made a strong enough case to prove…(Sean laughs) that the Chinese…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, my fucking God! Somebody fucking kill me with a knife made in China.
Maddox: (laughs) Why? It would just break off in your chest. Um, alright Dick.
Dick: I brought in…(guffaws) It's crazy. I brought in so many examples, but I realized halfway through this that they're all anecdotal, and you don't trust any of them.
Maddox: Yeah. No, of course not. Because you cherry pick.
Dick: I mean, this is like…yeah, yeah. You can cherry pick…this is like, companies that manufacture buildings. Companies in China that manufacture buildings. They ship the stuff back over here and they didn't put in aluminum.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's a pretty…that's a pretty big oversight.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I can't see an American company doing it and just saying, like, "Eh".
Maddox: So, I…
Dick: (interjects) So what? You can't sue us.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Oh, wait. It's America. You can.
Maddox: Wow. You know what sounds really good about America, Dick? Uh…regulations. (Dick sighs) Sounds like…
Dick: God.
Maddox: Sounds like China needs more regulations!! (laughing)
Dick: It's the arguing!! I don't understand why you're arguing this problem. You don't think it's interesting?
Maddox: It is interesting. I absolutely do and I think this is a great problem. I'm just not sure that uh…that you've made the case that the majority of products come from China are shit.
Dick: That's not even the point!
Maddox: Well, then what exactly is the problem, then?
Dick: More.
Maddox: More…
Dick: They're shittier than ours and…
Maddox: (interjects) Not always.
Dick: Ugh. Go. (Maddox laughs) No, I'm sick of it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Go.
Maddox: Alright. Sick of getting, uh…
Dick: (interjects) This is the world. This is the fuckin' world we live in.
Maddox: Yeah, what?
Dick: Where you have to prove that ALL the products that (Maddox giggles) come from China are shit.
Maddox: The majority, Dick.
Dick: Why the majority?!!?
Maddox: Because then it's a problem. We're trying to solve the biggest problem in the universe on this show, and if you…like, look. If only 30% of the products that come from China are shit…
Dick: It's way less.
Maddox: No, no. If only 30% of the products that come from China are shit, then it's not that big of a problem. If it's 50% or more, maybe it is, man! And how many people are dying…like, how many people is this affecting other than…you made the economic case.
Dick: Everyone on Earth.
Maddox: Hold on. (laughs) Hold on. Uh, I don't know about that.
Dick: Not even Chinese people want to buy their own stuff. 60% of Chinese surveyed…I don't know where they fucking found these…where they fudging found these people, (Maddox giggles) but 60% said they prefer American products.
Maddox: Gadzooks, Dick. Here's the thing. (Dick laughs) Um, in China and in Europe, American brands are really strong, actually. Despite the fact that you hear all the time French people hate us and Europeans hate us, and Chinese people hate us. That's not true. You go to China, you go to Europe? They love Levis. They love McDonald's. They love American brands. So they may prefer American brands just because of the strength of the brand America, not necessarily that we make high-quality products, as evidenced by all our shitty American cars. GM, get the fuck out of here with your shitty cars. Where's the American TV manufacturing industry? Gone! Because Japan did it better. That's why people are buying foreign brands sometimes. Not necessarily because we do it the best. I mean, there's certain products that we deliver the best in the world! Aircraft carriers.
Dick: Podcasts.
Maddox: Jets. Podcasts, for sure. Anyway, Dick.
Dick: Well, you took a good problem…(Maddox cracks up) and you cut it off at the legs, like usual, Maddox. Go ahead. What is your fuckin' horseshit? Let's get to a real problem.
Maddox: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, buddy.
Dick: Sorry, what is this horse mercy?!
Maddox: Mercy. There we go. Egad. Alright. Here we are. Uh, my problem this week, Dick, is New Year's Resolutions.
Dick: (scoffs) Oh God.
Maddox: Yeah. There's a real problem.
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Dick: Ugh. (sighs)
Maddox: Oh, thanks for clapping, audience. (Dick laughs) Our in-studio audience, they love that problem. Yeah, here we go. New Year's resolutions, Dick. Did you know that 62% of Americans make frequent New Year's resolutions or occasional New Year's resolutions?
Dick: Is that it? (grins) 62%?
Maddox: 62…that's more than watch the Super Bowl! That's almost double then watch the Super Bowl.
Dick: Yeah, but it's a lot easier to make a New Year's resolution than it is to watch the Super Bowl.
Maddox: I dunno man, the Super Bowl's just on. You…you have to avoid the Super Bowl to not watch it.
Dick: I guess that's true.
Maddox: Yeah. It's fuckin' everywhere. And guess how many people keep their resolutions? 8%.
Dick: How…you and your statistics. (laughing) How are they getting that?! "Hey, did you make a New Year's resolution?" "Uhh, yeah." "Did you do it?" "Eh, more or less." Is that a yes?
Maddox: I mean, pretty much, Dick. (Dick laughs) That's how most statistics and more surveys are gathered. This is from the University of Scranton Journal of Clinical Psychology. They asked people who made resolutions how many of them kept the resolutions, and it turns out about 8% were successful in achieving their resolutions. 39% of the people were in their 20s.
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: And only 14% of people over 50 achieved their goals.
Dick: (laughs) Okay. Plus or minus 14%.
Maddox: No! It's just 14%.
Dick: Like all these people are gonna lie! "Hey, did you make a New Year's Resolution?" "Yeah, I said I was gonna be nicer to my husband." "Did you?" "Uhhhh, yeah." (scoff in the background) Nailed it.
Maddox: Well, yeah. I mean…(stammers) yeah. (Dick laughs) But those aren't…those aren't the resolutions people are making, Dick.
Dick: What are they making?
Maddox: The majority of resolutions…actually, this is interesting. It's from USA.gov. There's an actual government website that says "Popular New Year's Resolutions". It's just a list of them. All the popular ones.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: I don't know why this is on a government website, but it is. Number one is "lose weight". Then there's "get fit". "Eat healthy food". "Drink less alcohol". Four of those are all related to health.
Dick: (laughing) I make one of those about every three days.
Maddox: Yeah. (background laughter) And…yeah. So you fail every three days. (Dick cracks up) And then some of the other resolutions are "Volunteer to help others"…
Dick: (interjects) Well, I mean that's the thing. I wouldn't say I fail at it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I would say, "Yeah, I did drink less this week." (laughing)
Maddox: Great.
Dick: It always seems to get less and less!!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Without ever approaching zero. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) You're asymptotic to zero, but you're still drinking constantly. Um, which isn't alcoholism. Uhh…(laughs) Which is alcoholism, rather.
Dick: Oh, stop with these things!
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, um. Some of the other resolutions people make: "Volunteer to help others". "Quit smoking". "Save money". "Get a better job", "Get a better education", and "Manage debt". Four of those twelve are all related to finance. I am lumping "Get a better education" into that.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: So, eight out of twelve resolutions that people commonly make are either health or money related. That's why I think "Fries" are the biggest problem in the universe, guys! Go back and vote up "Fries"! French fries!!! Those are contributing to our obesity problem in America. We're wasting money on French fries. I can believe it's one of the lowest problems on the list. People don't think fries are a problem. You want to solve your New Year's resolutions? Go vote up "Fries". That will put you one step closer to solving your New Year's resolution. At least acknowledge that French fries are a problem.
Dick: What about if people made a New Year's Resolution to vote up fries? Would you be happy with that?
Maddox: If they followed through.
Dick: Well, 8% are gonna follow through.
Maddox: 8%. Yeah. (background laughter) (Dick laughs) It pisses me off.
Dick: Have you ever made a New Year's resolution?
Maddox: No.
Dick: No?
Maddox: No. I'm not an idiot. Um…
Dick: (interjects) Have you ever made a resolution ever?
Maddox: Yes. Absolutely. Here's why you shouldn't make New Year's resolutions. It's kind of like a delay for you to get your life started.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You're procrastinating. People…it's a bad habit, right? Part of the reason that people have problems to begin with, like being overweight or not going to the gym enough, or not saving enough money, is because they put it off. They're procrastinators! And the last thing a procrastinator needs is another deadline to put things off! Oh, you know, I'm gonna start on this new year.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: Like it's some magical, like, reset button that's gonna wipe your slate clean of all the shitty decisions you've made in your life. New flash, idiot! You're still fat! (Dick cracks up) You're not doing anything to solve that problem! So, this is according to Forbes. They said, "Many people use the new year as an opportunity to make large bucket lists or attempt extreme makeovers. That's a nice aspiration, experts say, but the average person has so many competing priorities that this type of approach is doomed to failure. Essentially, shooting for the moon can be so psychologically daunting that you end up failing to launch in the first place. And the main problem is, goals should be grounded by rational and achievable metrics. You don't just wake up one day and say, "You know what? Tomorrow I'm gonna get a new job." You just…that's not what happens!! There's so many steps you're skipping, idiot! (Dick laughs) You don't just wake up and say, "I'm gonna go out and I'm gonna win an Oscar tomorrow."
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: You can't just fucking win an Oscar! You have to take…do the steps! Do the work. And visualize the work that gets you there. And then maybe you'll win an Oscar or write a New York Times bestseller.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: People want to just BE a bestseller. They just want to HAVE the best book. But they don't want to do the work to get there.
Dick: Yeah, I hear what you're saying. Isn't the first step to admit that you want it, though? I mean, I only know…I know where the first step is admitting it…is the first step. I'm saying, isn't that true in life? Isn't everything you learn from AA true in life as well? (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, well, Dick. You actually have a point here. Um…
Dick: Thank you.
Maddox: According to this…(chuckles) According to the University of Scranton Journal of Psychology, the same study, they said, "People who make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don't." But that's still only…
Dick: (interjects) Well, that's a pretty good thing!!!
Maddox: Is it? When only 8% are achieving their goals?
Dick: That doesn't make sense, then. 10% more people are…achieve their goals…
Maddox: No, no, no.
Dick: …if they make a New Year's resolution? Is that what you're saying?
Maddox: No, that's incorrect. Um, you are 10 times more likely to achieve your goal if you make a resolution.
Dick: Whoa!
Maddox: If you make a…here's the exact wording of the study. It says, "People who make resolutions are 10 times more likely to attain their goals than people who don't."
Dick: Dude! Then that sounds like a solution!
Maddox: Yeah, but it's still resulting in 8%! It's a shit solution!
Dick: I mean…(stammers)…that study sounds stupid anyway. 8% every year, 8% over a life, what does it mean, 8%? If you're ten times more likely to lose weight by making a New Year's resolution to lose weight, you should be making that resolution every three months!
Maddox: Dick, not…
Dick: (interjects) Make it every day!
Maddox: (laughs) Great! Great. Then we'll all just lose weight magically, right? It's just gonna magic into existence! Except it doesn't work! It's not happening. 8%!
Dick: You just said it works!! (squeaky voice)
Maddox: But 8%, Dick. That's…that's minimal. That's miniscule.
Dick: You gotta stop saying 8%. That doesn't mean anything. It's from, like, a stupid…
Maddox: YOU DON'T MEAN ANYTHING!! (yells) Aaaaaaargggh!!
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Dick: It doesn't fuckin' mean anything. (laughs)
Maddox: It's not a stupid study! Dick…(Dick cracks up) You constantly do this! I bring in solid numbers and statistics…
Dick: (interjects) It's not solid!! (yells)
Maddox: And evidence! Those are solid numbers from a professor! You're not a professor of jack shit, dude. (Dick still laughing) "If you can't measure it, it's not a very good resolution, because vague goals beget vague resolutions.", says John Norcross of the University of Scranton. That's true! Right?
Dick: Uh, I guess. (stammers) What's…what's the stats to back that up?
Maddox: His own fucking study, dickhead!!! (yells) (Dick cracks up) I just read his stats!!
Dick: Yeah, but you know what? Look. Like, I hate The Secret as much as everybody else, like the positive thinking stuff…
Maddox: (interjects) Awwww, Jesus! Yeah.
Dick: Malarkey. Excuse me.
Maddox: Uh-huh. Malarkey.
Dick: Um, but it helps people. It, like, centers them.
Maddox: Ugh, geez, man! (sighs)
Dick: Not everyone has the…the fortitude that you do. And the constitution that you do. (Maddox chuckles) They like to sit there and, like, gear up for something that's…that might be a huge task they have to overcome. You hear what I'm saying? Like, when we do this podcast. I gotta sit at home and gear myself up to come in and argue with you over effing dog food.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Fudging. Um…
Dick: I gotta make a resolution to do that!
Maddox: Yeah. Dick, the problem is, people treat New Year's resolutions like a magic genie lamp, or a reset switch. (Dick guffaws) Right? That'll just clean their shitty behaviors and habits that got them into the mess in the first place, right? So, anyway, Dick. It's a big problem because it causes people to procrastinate and not actually make positive changes in their life.
Dick: So what? You would rather them have no fire under their ass to change their lives?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause…okay. So just everybody keep doing what you're doing? Fudge it?
Maddox: No, (stammers) you know, if you want to change your life, do it TODAY. Don't wait for fucking New Year's! Don't wait for January 1st to roll around. Don't wait for some magic solstice or aligning of the stars, or some astrological sign, or a horoscope, god forbid, some horseshit!! Gadzooks, I mean! (laughs) Nerts. That's what I meant to say.
Dick: Nerts? (grins)
Maddox: Don't wait for some nerts to show up. Just do it!
Dick: I think this…I think this problem, you're gonna end up sounding like a bully, like you did with shy people.
Maddox: Yeaaaaaaah. Great. (sarcastic)
Dick: Or introverts. (grins) People need time! You gotta think it out! And I also…I also don't think that you've never made a resolution.
Maddox: Um, I don't think I have. Maybe I did when I was 20 years old and that's when I first realized that these resolutions are horseshit.
Dick: Not New Year's. I'm saying in general.
Maddox: Oh, I've definitely made resolutions in general. That's what I'm telling people! Make resolutions TODAY! Forget about the new year. Do it NOW.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And, by the way, make your resolutions be something attainable! Something that's within reach. Don't just make it something like, "Uh, I'm gonna find love." Or "I'm going to get a new job." Or "I'm going to lose weight." That's stupid!
Dick: (laughs) Those are very attainable!
Maddox: No, they're not! (Dick still laughing) Those are giant fucking things! Dick, they're obviously not if these are the same resolutions every American has…(angry) and only 8% are achieving them!
Dick: No! It just means they're difficult.
Maddox: Hold on. Here's how…of course they're difficult. And that's why! They're not attainable. The real way to do it, okay. If you really want to lose weight? Make a resolution to cut something out of your diet completely. Like, say, French fries. Cut French fries out of your diet. Cut sodas out of your diet. That's attainable! That's one thing that you have to cut out of your diet that will make a precipitous difference in your results! You will lose weight if you stop eating French fries and stop eating soda, and you manage a few other things here and there. You'll notice little changes add up to big changes.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: Instead of saying, "I'm gonna lose weight!" How are you gonna do that, idiot? How are you gonna write that bestseller?
Dick: So is it the specifics of how people follow through on their resolution, or is it the resolution that you have a bigger problem with?
Maddox: Well, it's the resolution, because it…the specifics is they don't follow through. They don't know. They don't have it charted out. They use the resolution as just some lazy declaration on Facebook, and I'm just bracing for it!! (Dick laughs) All the idiots on Facebook this week! Next week, next month, whatever? Just, ugh, resolution, resolution, resolution! None of it ever happens! None of it ever comes true! Just a bunch of failures filling up my news feed! (angry)
Dick: Hey, you should make a resolution to stay off Facebook for a while.
Maddox: I would love that, Dick.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I would love…
Dick: (interjects) You can. That's attainable. (grins) That's another thing that's very attainable. You just stop going there.
Maddox: Ugh. I do. I block it. I block it on my computer when I get work done. (Dick giggling) I edit my host's file, and for those of you who don't know, it's a thing on your computer that you can block certain website completely.
Dick: Mhmm. (skeptical)
Maddox: And it's kinda…I made it a pain in the ass for me to edit this file. I used to have a batch file that would automatically edit it for me, and then I realized there's just, like a switch I could turn on or off any time I wanted to go to Facebook. Um, I don't want to…
Dick: (interjects) You're like Tyler Durden. Like, you're setting up traps for yourself…
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: That you fall into when you want your…
Maddox: Exactly.
Dick: When you want your fix.
Maddox: 'Cause I know something about me. I know that I am lazy. And I know that if it takes more effort than just typing the letter "f" in my address bar, I won't go to it. (Dick laughs) I know that. I know that for a fact. So, yeah. I do block Facebook; however, I need it once a week when I post the podcast.
Dick: Yeah!!!
Maddox: And let people know this shit's going…yeah. Great.
Dick: I appreciate that.
Maddox: Thank you, Dick. Hey, Dick, um…so anyway, that's my problem. New Year's Resolutions are horseshit! And uh…it's the biggest problem in the universe next to French fries and snakes. So, uh…let's open some gifts, shall we?
Dick: Yeah. You want me to start? 'Cause you already opened two, apparently.
Maddox: (laughs) Go ahead. And Sean, you should open one of these too. Um, there's one with a quote from Sean on it. Here we go, Sean. It says, "Last night I went full-blown retard. Sean, Episode 31." You should open this one, Sean.
Dick: What's that one about? I don't remember what you were talkin' about in that episode.
Maddox: When he deleted the podcast.
Dick: Oh, oh, oh.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So..is there anything drawn on that one?
Sean: I thought we weren't bringing that up anymore.
Dick: (stammers) Well, Sean.
Maddox: Sean. It was a…
Dick: I didn't want to.
Maddox: We didn't want to! That was just on the thing. So, Sean is opening the gift wrapping. It's this green, what's that? Like poinsettias on there?
Sean: Hey, it's a bunch of Butterfingers. (Maddox and Dick crack up laughing)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Oh, my God. (Dick still laughing)
(Sound effect: Audience laughter)
Maddox: That's incredible. Oh, my…that is incredible. (Dick signs happily) That is incredible. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: I will have you know that it was purposefully done.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Sean: There was no butterfingers involved, sadly. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: That's incredible.
Sean: Actually, I love Butterfingers, though.
Maddox: Hey!
Sean: And I'm eating these and you guys aren't getting any.
Maddox: Dammit.
Dick: Oh, fine. (background laughter) They don't have a…
Maddox: Shit.
Dick: They don't have a candy bar that's called "Full-Blown Retard"? (Maddox laughs) Does that not exist?
Maddox: Maybe it's Payday.
Dick: I'm gonna open this card. Uh, it's got a giant ejaculating penis on it.
Maddox: Big penis on it.
Dick: That's not a cuss word, is it?
Maddox: Uh…penis is not.
Dick: I can say all that.
Maddox: You can say "penis". You just can't say "cock".
Dick: "To Maddox, Dick, and Sean." Oh, it's got a sexy Lady Thor on the front.
Maddox: Yeah, there's a Lady Thor drawn on it, Dick, 'cause you brought in Lady Thor as a problem.
Dick: Every time I open a card, I open it so that the money inside doesn't fall out. Like, even when I know there's not gonna be any money in it.
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, there…
Dick: (interjects) It's just, like, trained from when I was kid.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, "Oh, careful". Don't want this money falling out.
Maddox: There definitely won't be money in that one, 'cause I opened it already. (laughing)
Dick: "So, Marvel slapped tits on Thor." There's a quote from me, Episode 10. "Thanks you guys for everything. Merry Christmas. Love, Megan." "I hope you guys enjoy this weird Pandora's box we sent you. I decided against the king cobra and six-pack of beer for legal reasons. Maybe next time. Thanks for being fuckin' awesome. Love, Laurie." Aw, they both signed the card. That's sweet of them.
Maddox: They both signed the card! That's incredible. They live in different states, so they had to have sent it to each other to get it signed for us.
Dick: That's very nice of them.
Maddox: Yeah. Very nice.
Dick: Here's a present. "You got people spraying water in cars. I got people yelling at guys for doing dishes. Episode 22." You remember that one? Drought dickbags?
Maddox: Oh yeah, drought dickbags. I remember.
Dick: And hippies.
Maddox: Yeah. That's when we were talking about hippies and drought dickbags, when people…basically water zealots, was the problem. So, Dick, you're opening this. It's kind of a long package. It's got a piece of…
Dick: And while I'm opening it, I'm thinking about all the industrial hazards that China sometimes puts in toys…
Maddox: Okay. (laughs) Here we go.
Dick: That doesn't happen in the US.
Maddox: There's a note.
Dick: "Open. Not just cardboard." Okay. That's funny. Ohhhhhh!! It's stickers. It's a patch. "Positive Vibrations", with a Jamaican flag on it.
Maddox: Ugh, damn it!!
Dick: That's cool.
Maddox: Yeah, some Reggae stickers? Uh-huh. You can wear that.
Dick: Hippie power. A bumper sticker with "Hippie Power".
Maddox: Awesome, guys. Thanks for sending us a hippie bumper sticker!! (angry)
Dick: I'd put it on my car, but I drive a Lexus. I bet you have a problem with that. (Maddox laughs) "Hemp saves trees. Trees save lives. I speak for the trees. " and there's a tree that says, "Hug me". Oh, my God.
Maddox: Holyyyyyy shit.
Dick: When I read that, I want to kick the sticker's ass. (giggles) Like, somehow?
Maddox: I know. Oh my…look at this thing. I'm smelling it for patchouli right now. (Dick cracks up) It smells…here. We're gonna be posting pictures of all this on the website. Thanks for the hippie stickers, guys!!! Just what I wanted. I think, Dick, these are for you, though. Because you were, like, defending…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. They're definitely for me.
Maddox: You were defending hippies, I believe. And then there's one last gift here. Should I open this one up?
Dick: Gimme my sticker. Yeah.
Maddox: Okay. This one's the biggest…
Dick: Wait, did Sean open one?
Maddox: Sean did, yeah. Sean opened his Butterfingers.
Dick: Oh, yeah, the Butterfingers. Alright.
Sean: I was gonna say, just real quick, um. This dude Angelo from http://www.heavyrecord.com sent me a couple of guitar FX pedals.
Dick: Ohhh!
Sean: So I can't wait…yeah.
Dick: Sean's plugging shit now? (Maddox laughs) I'm sorry, Sean's plugging sites now?
Maddox: Stuff. Things. (wrapping paper sounds in background)
Sean: You gotta mention. I can't wait to try 'em out. It's fucking awesome. So, thanks.
Dick: Uh, fudging awesome.
Maddox: Hey, um. Awesome. Yeah, actually. So we're getting all sorts of gifts from our fans. Thank you for sending us gifts, guys. And this…this last one, it's wrapped in peppermint wrapper. It says…there's a quote on it from Dick on the front. It says, "When I get an emoji from a chick, man, it starts my motor goin'. Dick Masterson, Episode 15."
Dick: It does!
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, I know.
Dick: It does.
Maddox: I know, dude. I know your emoji…OH MY GOSH!!!
Dick: Maybe I'm kind of a pedophile!
Maddox: Look at this! It's TOMS!!! (Dick cracks up) Friggin' TOMS shoes! These aren't gifts, these are curses! What are you guys doing to us!?! Man, I tell you. The only good gift here was the tit. The…oh my…are these really TOMS shoes? Wait.
Dick: I think they are.
Maddox: Wait. Look at this. There's a note inside that says, "Custom shoe care. Remember, hand-painted tie-dyed shoes are artwork for your feet and should be worn with care." (laughs)
Dick: Oh, my God. Wait, did they put that in, or is that from TOMS?
Maddox: No, it comes with it. It's…comes with the TOMS.
Dick: Oh, God.
Maddox: It says, "spot clean only with cold water and mild soap. Do not machine wash. Do not tumble dry." I don't…oh, my gosh. Look at these things. (Dick and Maddox crack up) The TOMS shoes have poop on 'em!
Dick: They've got the emoji for poop. Everyone knows that poop emoji. Right on the front.
Maddox: Man, if these weren't TOMS shoes, I'd put them on right fuckin' now. These are actually…uh, Dick, you have small feet. These'll fit you, right?
Dick: My…one of my small feet is about to kick you right in the nuts for saying that. (Maddox cracks up) You dirty devil.
Maddox: (sighs) Ah, there we go.
Dick: Lemme see one.
Maddox: Here you go, Dick. Yeah, uh. These are actually pretty amazing. Uh, thanks guys. Laurie and Megan. Thanks for the TOMS shoes and hippie stickers. The giant tit, Butterfingers…
Dick: Gimme the other one.
Maddox: And what else…here you go. Oh, Dick is actually trying them on.
Dick: Yeah. (sounds of shuffling)
Maddox: Dick, here's…
Dick: (interjects) Ahh, it's so comfortable to have no principles. See, Maddox? (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Nuts, Dick. Nuts to you.
Dick: Hey, they feel great. Oh, now I actually have shit on my shoes. You remember that episode? (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Holy cow, Dick. Same stuff, different day, huh? (laughs)
Dick: Is that from your Cuss Control book?
Maddox: It's from Cuss Control.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Dick, that's really bad stuff you got on your feet there. What a lucky guy. (laughs) Ahhh. Piece of junk. Anyway, Dick.
Dick: Remember when China put all that poison in dog food? (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Long-ass time ago, Dick.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And everyone railed about it, yet people die from food poisoning here all the time. It's not a big fuckin' deal. Everyone still remembers that one time a few fuckin' dogs died from food in China. From dog food in China.
Dick: Well, you know. I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: I'm just askin' if you remembered it, that's all.
Maddox: Yeah, I remember.
Dick: Unrelated.
Maddox: I remember, Dick. Yeah. No…(stammers) 'cause no dogs…no pets have ever died from American-manufactured food.
Dick: Yeah, look, man.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That…so that's our show.
Maddox: That's our show, guys.
Dick: Thank you guys, for the presents.
Maddox: Don't forget to vote on these problems. http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. Make sure to upvote "New Year's Resolutions" and downvote, what's yours…what was yours, Dick?
Dick: "Made in China".
Maddox: "Made in China". (grins)
Dick: Made in China. Enjoy your Chinese shit, Maddox.
Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs) Which actually, I have…I have a story. I don't…we don't have time.
Dick: You know what's ridiculous is how many stats I brought in about China. About, like, the trade war with China for the last 20 years?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Didn't get to any of them.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I don't know why I…I don't know why I bring them in.
Maddox: Dick, why don't you read one, right now?
Dick: No, no, no, no. It's too late.
Maddox: Your best one!
Dick: It's too late.
Maddox: Read one! It might…it might sway the vote, dude! The one fact that changes the debate.
Dick: Hold on.
Maddox: And I'm not even gonna respond to it!
Dick: (scoffs) Okay.
Maddox: Well.
Dick: Uh…
Maddox: Everyone in the audience is giggling.
Dick: You're not gonna respond to it?
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Sean: He's not even gonna get through the statement before you respond to it. (Dick and Maddox laugh) I know how this works.
Maddox: I'm not gonna respond to it, 'cause I'm gonna edit these episodes, and I'm gonna cut it right out! (laughs) What do you got?
Dick: Uh…100% of Harvard scientists think that "Made in China" is the biggest problem in the universe.
Maddox: Oooooooookay!!! (yells) That's…gaaaaaaah!!!
Dick: That's a pretty good stat. (background laughter) No response!
(Sound effect: "Wrong" buzzer)
Dick: That's a response, you fuckin' liar!! (yells)
Maddox: No!! My finger slipped!
Dick: You effing liar!
Maddox: Oh, my finger slipped. Oh, man. Gadzooks. Alright. Man oh man. (Dick guffaws) Here we go, guys.
Sean: Have a Butterfinger.
Maddox: Thanks. Thanks, Sean.
Dick: Yeah. You're a real humdinger, Maddox.
Maddox: (laughs) Gee, whiz. Anyway guys, that's the show this week. Don't forget to vote on these problems on the website. http://www.thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. Live show coming up!! Thanks for the gifts Laurie and Megan.
Dick: Thanks for listening.
Closing riff
(Voice mail: (male voice: "Hey Maddox. I want you to know that when you said poodles were pussy dogs, you're a fucking idiot. Poodles were bred to retrieve birds for hunting. That's right. Poodles are hunting dogs. (Maddox: Oh. Wow.) And you suck dick. You're a big problem and I'm callin' you out on it.")
Dick: Calling you out on it, buddy.
Maddox: What an asshole.
Dick: That's your catchphrase.
Maddox: Yeah, 'cause poodles hunt little birds. Awesome. Wow. Vicious dogs. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Okay. How about this one? (grins)
(Voice mail: (male voice): "I got a question for you, Dick. Why is it that you have a problem with priests, and I presume you mean Catholic priests primarily, but you're inexplicable cool with the Pope? You know, who is arguably the biggest priest. (Maddox and Dick crack up) So I guess maybe that's another episode of DICK VERSUS DICK… (Sean: "Arguably". Dick: Yeah, arguably the biggest priest. (laughs))
Dick: No. The biggest priest is Judas Priest.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Yeah. (Dick laughs)
(…"choose the religion you want to believe in if you hold the text to be true and inspired, which obviously…( Dick: This turned into a sermon halfway through the voice mail. (laughs) Maddox: Yeah) …and that's part of the religion, you believe the texts are divinely inspired and they're true. Necessarily. So anyway, fuck you Dick. Good job, Maddox. See ya.")
(background laughter)
Maddox: Wow. Sounds like this guy has bricks for brains. (Maddox and Dick crack up)
Dick: Thank you cusscontrol.com. (laughing) One more? I got one more.
Maddox: Yeah.
(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey Maddox. Uh, I'm not sure exactly where I stand on the issue of the terrorism with Sony; (Maddox: Great.) however, I want to say something I think you'd agree with that kind of goes against your argument. Uh, if America was to, you know, not stand down and there was an act of terror, like if Sony Pictures had to air the movie and there was terrorism, and then we decided to go to war under the pretense that… (Dick: I don't know why I played this one. Maddox: Yeah, man! I made that point. (Dick laughs) country that hates us. Wouldn't it be criticized just as much as the Iraq war was? (Maddox: Yeeeeeessss. I mentioned that. (Dick laughs) I mentioned that in the episode!) I'm just wondering. Where…what exactly does not backing down to terrorism get you? (Maddox: Uuuuuuugh. Dick: Where does it get you? (grins) Maddox: Shut up!) What solution do you get out of that? And…'cause it would be criticized either way. I criticize them 'cause they backed down, but then I think people would criticize them if we went to war over it in the end. (Dick: Yeah. Maddox: Great.) (Sean: Doesn't it sound like he's…) Anyway, as always. Dick sucks. Fuck off, Dick. (Maddox laughs) (Dick: That's not it.))
Sean: It sounds like that guy's, like, getting dressed or undressed as he's, like…(Dick cracks up laughing) as he's like on and off mic, and…
Dick: He's putting on his suit…(laughs)
Sean: Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah!