Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 24

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel

(Theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick: Heyyyy, what's up buddy?

Maddox: And we have a special guest with us today, Roger Barr! Welcome, Roger!

Roger: Ahoy there!

Dick: Hey, Roger.

Roger: How's it goin'?

Dick: How you doin'?

Roger: Doin' alright. You doin' alright?

Dick: You are the proprietor and the head writer of www.I-Mockery.com. Is that right?

Roger: Yeeeeep. Yep. www.I-Mockery.com. I've been running that site for just about as long as you, Maddox. Your site. Since, uh…96, 97, way back in the day.

Maddox: Yeah. It's one of the oldest running humor websites on the Internet. Both of ours.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: And it's older than Google.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Which is really impressive.

Roger: Back in the glory days when Geocities was still a thing.

Maddox: And we make as much money as Google, so. Mhmm.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Woww. (incredulous) (Maddox and Roger laugh) You guys are real big shots. I bet you get tits on Snapchat all the time.

(Sound effect: Audience laughing and clapping.)

Maddox: Ohohoh…Dick. Yeah. (grinning) Speaking of, uh…Snapchat…

Dick: Well, wait a minute, Roger. What else do you do? What's going on with your site? I know you're a big Halloween guy.

Roger: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Right now you're in the middle of your two months of…there's nobody on Earth who likes Halloween more than Roger Barr.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: That might be an accurate statement, actually.

Dick: Oh yeah.

Maddox: All the Halloween companies send Roger their candy for him to review. He has the foremost website of anything Halloween related. And you've also done, like, tons of classic movie reviews of all…every horror movie.

Roger: Yeah. Every…

Maddox: You have, like, the 10 best…

Roger: Pretty much every year from September 1^st through October 31^st, I do nothing but cover Halloween stuff, whether it's reviewing candies, old horror movies…

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Weird toys…uh, Halloween costumes. Uh, the monster cereals, of course.

Dick: What did you cover this year? What was your favorite thing that you've covered this year?

Roger: Uhh, let's see. Uh, I did like that we have the Krispy Kreme donuts. The Ghostbusters donuts. That's pretty funny stuff.

Dick: What are those?

Roger: It's just…there's like a Staypuft Marshmallow Man donut and a Slimer…kinda like Slimer's promoting the thing…but I wanted the donuts to actually have green slime in them, and they didn't.

Dick: Oh. (disappointed)

Roger: So, kind of a bummer there.

Dick: Yeah. That's a big bummer.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, what's the point?

Dick: Get is straight, Krispy Kreme.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Figure your shit out!

Roger: My favorite thing, though, is probably still the monster cereals. They're doing, like, the retro boxes from the 70s and 80 and I realllly like that stuff.

Maddox: Oh, and speaking of…Boo-Berry specifically is your favorite, right?

Roger: Mhmm. Oh, absolutely.

Maddox: So, Roger was on…what was the TV show you were on? As the Boo-Berry expert?

Roger: Uhhh…I've been on a couple of things. I was on The Daily Show back in the day…

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: I was on…(laughing)

Dick: As a Boo-Berry…as an expert in 80's Boo-Berry cereal?

Roger: As an expert on Boo-Berry. This was before Colbert got his Stephen Colbert Report. But that was when he was just a correspondent on The Daily Show, and yeah. He had, like, a hidden camera searching for Boo-Berry in his hat and everything, so, yeah.

Maddox: And what was the other show? There was another one on Food Network?

Roger: I'm trying to think, yeah. Unwrapped was the show on the Food Network. Hosted by Mark Summers, with the guy from Double Dare. From back in the day on Nickolodeon.

Maddox: Oh, yeah!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Unwrapped with Mark Summers. That's cool. So yeah.

Dick: Besides the money machine that is worshipping the childhoods of 80s children, (Maddox laughs) you also contribute new stuff, right?

Roger: Yeah. Absolutely.

Dick: You do video games. You've made a number of video games that were huge on the Internet.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, one in particular, Abobo's Big Adventure. That was huge.

Roger: Yeah, that one really blew up. That was a 10-year project between me, Nick Pesto, and also Pox, who works on some of your T-shirts, actually.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What was it? Abobo's Big Adventure?

Roger: Abobo's Big Adventure? It was…it's kind of plugged as the ultimate tribute to the Nintendo Entertainment System. It's Abobo, who was like, a miniboss on Double Dragon. He basically…he never really had anything beyond that game, so I wanted to kind of make this, like, the ultimate anti-hero, so it's him beating the crap out of anyone from the Nintendo Entersys. Entertainment System.

Maddox: And the genius of this game, too, is that it's kind of like an homage to, not just that Double Dragon video game, but like…

Roger: Oh, no.

Maddox: ALL classic Nintendo video games. Contra. Ninja Turtles.

Roger: Each level is a completely different game. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Joust. There's so many different game mechanics. So, it's really an homage to classic gaming.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: It's incredible. The way the game was done. Every level is its own game. So, it's not just a tribute to Double Dragon.

Roger: No, no, not at all.

Maddox: But you have a Contra level. A Joust level. A Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles level, right?

Roger: And each of those levels have characters from a wide variety of other games. Uh, pretty much any Nintendo game you can think of, it's in Abobo's Big Adventure somewhere. There's a reference to it.

Maddox: It's really fun and it's really rewarding when you finish this game. There's over, what, like an hour, two hours of gameplay.

Roger: Oh yeah, easily. And same for our new game, the Bionic Chainsaw Pogo Gorilla, that's another…(Dick cracks up)

Dick: (interjects) Okay, what?

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: (laughs) Bionic Chainsaw Pogo Gorilla is the game that we made after Abobo's Big Adventure.

Dick: Okay.

Roger: And we released that through Adult Swim. You can play that on www.adultswimgames.com. Totally free to play.

Maddox: Really cool gameplay. Really cool mechanics. Like, your character is constantly bouncing and you can swing your chainsaw arms at enemies.

Roger: Yeah. It's about a gorilla whose arms were ripped off and his legs were ripped off, so these mad scientists basically gave him chainsaw arms and a pogo stick for legs and now he is really pissed off about it, naturally. And he's just killing everything in sight.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know, I know you're not into spirituality, Maddox, but that sounds like your spirit animal.

Maddox: Yeah. A Bionic Chainsaw Pogo Gorilla?

Dick: Yeah. Who is tormented by scientists and now is just a raging maniac.

Roger: That's everyone's spirit animal.

Maddox: It's all I see when I shut my eyes. Okay, so, uhh…

Dick: Let's get to the problems!

Roger: Sounds good.

Dick: Oh…we don't have Sean here today. Can I…should we say that? 'Cause he did write us a note.

Maddox: What's the note?

Dick: He said "Dear guys, I can't take the pressures of this dog-eat-dog world anymore, so I'm moving to rural China to be an ass farmer." (Maddox laughs) "Love, Sean." I don't know quite what that means, but I hope he has a good time farming ass.

Roger: I miss Sean. Sean's a good guy.

Maddox: Yeah. He's gonna farm ass. I get it. No, but…before we move on, we gotta talk about the problems from last week, who won!!! (smiling, getting louder)

Dick: Yeah. Uh, shut up.

Maddox: It was Ebola! Ebola Alarmists. Number one! Followed by meetings, and then surprisingly, it even placed. Snapchats of Not Tits.

Roger: Is he always this proud?

Dick: Yeah. Yeah. (upset) 'Cause he loves it. It means so fuckin' much to him. (Roger laughs)

Maddox: No!

Dick: That's why it's a wash. Because it means so goddamn much to him, this voting, and it means a little bit to me, that if…(Maddox sighs) …when I win, my victories are such big losses for him and his victories are such tiny losses for me (Roger laughs) that we are basically at a tie.

Roger: Sounds like it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Don't tie…don't tie this bullshit!! (Dick laughs) Look, here's the thing…

Dick: (interjects) (squeaking/laughing) See how pissed off he is?!?!

Maddox: It's not a contest. No, I don't care! (upset) It's not a contest.

Dick: Ohhhhh, yeah!

Maddox: 'Cause eventually, we're gonna be bringing in problems as mundane as "Hangnails"…

Dick: (interjects) As "Meetings".

Maddox: And "Dust". No, meetings is a big problem! It wastes time!

Roger: You can't say…you can't say you don't care. Look how worked up you're getting right now.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: Just talking about it.

Maddox: Not about winning!

Dick: The chainsaws are about to swing out of your arms…(Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Shut up. Uhh…okay, so. Yeah. Ebola Alarmists, Dick. By the way, I have a clip from a local news show that Dick was on over the weekend (Dick breathes in, sighs)…and Dick was talking about…(giggles) Dick was talking about…

Dick: (interjects) Was it a show about podcasters that have to host podcasts with smug assholes? (Maddox laughs) 'Cause I remember doing that interview. Was it that?

Maddox: Yeah. No, that's every day of my life. So, Dick did an interview and he was concerned that someone might bring back Ebola to the States. Here's…here's Dick on this…this is KXLY News.

Roger: Alright.

(News clip: Woman talking: "Well, that doesn't mean they couldn't get it. That it could come up here.")

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's me.

Maddox: Yeah, that's Dick. (laughing)

Dick: That's me.

Maddox: That's what you sounded like last episode. This is actually from a news clip from KXLY News where these parents, I guess in, uhh…Priest River…are worried about these teachers who went to Texas. They were in Dallas. They were 125 miles away from the hospital, but they were still worried that they brought back Ebola. Listen to this news clip.

(News clip: "Now some of the students and their parents fear they brought back something else." Woman talking "Well, they should at least keep 'em down there and quarantine 'em to see if they have it before bringin' em back into school.")

Dick: Yeah. What a stupid idea. Quarantine 'em.

Maddox: Ohhh. (whiny voice) Quarantine 'em, and make sure they do not have it before they…(cuts off whiny voice) What an idiot.

Dick: You…you and your fucking…you and…there's a generation of smug assholes on the Internet that love beating up the stupid. And the stupid cannot defend themselves. That poor woman. Does she sound educated to you?

Maddox: No, Dick, she sounds…

Dick: (interjects) She doesn't know.

Maddox: She sounds exactly like you last episode. You were like, "Well, what if you get it?"

Dick: All I'm saying…Roger, are you worried about getting Ebola?

Roger: I am honestly sick of the Ebola shit.

Maddox: Yep.

Roger: I mean, look, I don't care if someone has it. I don't care if someone does have it. (yelling)

Dick: Yeah. You brought it in!

Roger: You guys even talking about it is just contributing to this Ebola bullshit that is conquering all media right now. Just stop talking about it and it'll go away. That's it.

Maddox: (laughing)Mmmwelll….no….

Dick: Hold on there, let's not go crazy. (Maddox laughing)

Roger: Nope, nope. Stop talking about it.

Maddox: (laughing) Listen to the rest of this news segment.

Dick: Well, you're not gonna get what you want.

Maddox: Yeah. Listen to…listen to Dick over here.

(News clip continues "…Ramos is a parent at the high school and says there's no guarantee that the nine staff members don't have Ebola.")

Dick: Yeah, that's true.

(News clip: Woman: "I asked 'em. I go, well, that doesn't mean that they couldn't get it. That it could come up here." Man: "But Paul Anselmo with the West Bonner County School District…")

Dick: West Boner!

(News clip: Man: "…says those fears are completely baseless." Paul: "And so I tried to clear up any of those misconceptions for those people.")

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Hey. Look. That doctor in New York got Ebola. Right?

Roger: Yeah. Now everyone's gonna panic about it.

Dick: But wait a minute. Wait a minute. What if…what if someone's on the subway platform in New York, pissing, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause they can't hold it.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: That guy trips, falls down, gets their dick in his mouth. All of a sudden, you've got an Ebola outbreak on your hands!! (Maddox laughs)

Roger: (screams) WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! EBOLA!!!! (Maddox laughing)

Dick: Right?! Maddox?!

Maddox: I just want to read…no, who cares? (Dick laughing) I just want to read three headlines. I want to read three headlines that came out on the news today. Okay?

Dick: About Ebola?

Maddox: No, just three quick headlines! This is from New York Times. "Ebola vaccine trials planned for December."

Dick: 'Kay. (grinning)

Maddox: Here's another one.

Dick: Outbreak waiting to happen.

Maddox: (laughing) Here's another one from www.dailymail.co.uk. "The Canadian Ebola vaccine that was on shelves for over 10 years despite being 100% effective." And here's one last one from BBC. "Millions of Ebola vaccine doses by end of 2015, WHO says."

Dick: That was the headline?

Maddox: That was the headline.

Dick: That was a weird…that was an awkward phrasing on a headline.

Maddox: Millions of Ebola vaccine doses…

Dick: (interjects) I got a voice mail that's…that you might be interested in.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Voice mail: "Yeah, Maddox, I think Dick Masterson actually has somethin' to be right about.")

Dick: Yeah.

(Voice mail: "The whole Ebola alarmist thing. I'm pretty sure he's gonna end up catching Ebola from all the dudes he's blowin' at Burning Man.")

Dick: Oh, wait a minute. (Maddox cracks up)

(Voicemail: "Come on, Dick. Quit being dumb.")

Dick: Well, I guess I should have listened to that whole voice mail before I played it.

Maddox: Yeah, quit being dumb, Dick. (laughs) Quit blowin' dudes with Ebola at Burning Man. You hippie. Which, by the way, everybody…I saw a clip today from Burning Man. Everyone over there rides bikes the entire time. How do you reconcile that with your bullshit-ass beliefs, Dick?

Dick: What beliefs?! (Incredulous) I believe in bicycles. I mean, they're a thing that exists.

Maddox: Oh, okay.

Dick: I prefer walking.

Maddox: Great.

Dick: At Burning Man.

Maddox: Walking is for idiots. And suckers.

Dick: Alright. Enough of the Ebola. My biggest problem last week was "Snapchats of Not Tits", right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Roger, do you know what Snapchat is?

Roger: Uhhh….I originally thought it was, like, another dating application, but it's just sending pictures?

Dick: Well, it's an app for not getting tits on your phone.

Roger: Alright.

Dick: So if you want to not…or at least, that's what I thought it was.

Roger: Okay.

Dick: Basically, you can send photos to each other and they disappear after you look at them.

Roger: I don't want you sending me pictures of your tits, Dick. So, uh…

Dick: Okay. (giggles) Well…uh..

Roger: I'm good. Thanks, though.

Dick: It turns out, it's not as big of a problem as I thought it was.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: I got an email after last week's show. I'm not gonna give her name out. "Hey Dick, add me on Snapchat and I will send you pictures of my tits all day." She specifies: "I'm a 25-year-old white female. Add me." (Maddox laughs) So I did, and sure enough, now I'm getting some tits on my Snapchat.

Maddox: Great! I didn't get that email!!

Dick: Well, I don't know! (laughing)

Maddox: This is BULLSHIT! This show is bullshit! I'm gonna burn this fucking…I'm gonna burn this studio down! (yelling)

Roger: You guys both know that the Internet exists, right? Like, you could just log onto the Internet and see…

Maddox: (interjects) Roger…no.

Dick: Yeah, but it's…they're personalized tits. They're better.

Maddox: Yeah Roger. You don't get it.

Dick: These are tits with love.

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: Or at least something. With thought.

Maddox: It's different! It's different. It's a thing that they MADE for you!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: As opposed to, like, some generic…you don't want…

Dick: Used tits.

Maddox: Right. Roger, the difference between…

Roger: (interjects) I'm embarrassed for both of you right now. (Dick cracks up)

Maddox: No, no. Hold on. Hold on!

Roger: I am SERIOUSLY embarrassed for both of you.

Dick: I'm kind of too. I'm kind of too, but you're wrong!

Maddox: Yeah. You're wrong, Roger! Here's the difference, okay? (Roger laughs) You don't want…you want a meal that was made for you, right? You don't want a Lunchable. So, porn is Lunchables.

Roger: Uhh…you're talkin' to the wrong guy.

Maddox: Okaaaay. (exasperated)

Dick: No no. This is how it is. These tits. This tits shot has never been seen before.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know? It's like undiscovered tits.

Roger: Okay.

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: Each shot of tits is unique in its own way.

Maddox: Right. Right.

Dick: There's, like, an infinite number of combinations that a shot of tits could be.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: This is mine. That's why it's special.

Maddox: And they're made for you. They're custom. You have tits your way. What's that, Burger King?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. We're getting Burger King tits. Alright.

Roger: Whatever keeps you two from crying yourselves to sleep at night.

Dick: Ohhhhhhhhhhh! Get outta here! Here's one from Mariel Romero. My Uber guy problem didn't get a lot of love, but she says " Thank you for bringing up the uncomfortable Uber dude conversations." I knew it was a women problem.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. No, I actually agreed with that. That was, you know. Sure.

Roger: I heard Uber actually, just the other week, there was some news story about them cancelling plans to have, like uh…it was basically, like, "We're gonna have hot women pick you up in cars."

Dick: Well that's what I want.

Roger: That was actually something that was pitched in a meeting, but it was…they didn't do it, but word got out about it to the media.

Dick: No. I don't want a hot woman driving me around.

Maddox: Uhhh…well, I wouldn't mind. As long as she's aggressive. I have some friends, some hot women friends who are aggressive as shit behind the wheel, and it's the biggest turn-on. It's awesome.

Dick: Man, every hot woman that I've ever dated always has about 300 car wrecks under her belt by the time she's 25.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How's that for a stats?

Maddox: I was…(laughs)…that was a pretty good stats, Dick. Um, I have a comment from Alexandra Pepper. She says, uhh…I hate to bring this up again, but she says, " I was wondering when Ebola would be brought up. Since the 1970s when it emerged, approximately 7,000 people have gotten Ebola. Out of a population of 7 billion, that's statistically 0%. You have 0% chance of getting Ebola. "

Dick: Okay. No. Remember that.

Maddox: Yeah. Great.

Roger: Good. Can we stop talking about it now?

Dick: Yes. I have one from Scott Laughlin, "Hippie achievement, Maddox, for your anti-hippie rant, Carrie Mullins definitely invented polymerase chain reactions, which made most genetic engineering possible and she was a smelly, LSD-chomping hippie." And he even linked to a Wired article. I didn't click it, because I believe things as they are, when people show me.

Maddox: Implicitly, sure.

Dick: Yeah. But I'm sure you can go click it.

Maddox: First of all. I did, and I believe it's a guy. It's not a she, and I checked out…he doesn't look like a hippie at all. He just looks like an old dude. A professor. Just because you've done LSD or you've experimented with drugs doesn't make you a hippie. Hippie-ism is a lifestyle, and it's a disease worse than Ebola. (Dick laughs)

Roger: Is that what it's actually called... Hippie-ism?

Maddox: Hippie-ism. That's what I just called it.

Roger: Okay.

Maddox: I nominalized the phrase. Um, I've got a comment from Scott McGregor. He checked out the…you remember, last episode I mentioned that I have the glow-in-the-dark shirts. He says, "Ferk yeah! Suit up with a t-shirt of that magnitude and you're guaranteed to blow in the dark! Chest covers of any lesser persuasion are mere t-shirts. That's right, bitches! Maddox working late to light up your bosoms."

Dick: (laughing) Pretty cool. Getting a BJ while wearing a glow-in-the-dark Maddox t-shirt?

Maddox: Yeah! It's called a blow in the dark, huh? That's pretty cool.

Dick: That is cool.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright, I got one from Dominic Maison, "Of course Dick's shitty iPhone can't take a picture without looking like they were recording in an earthquake." Uh, that was Maddox's phone. (Maddox laughing) So, why don't you fuckin' blow me?

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah, 'cause here's what happened. Dick pressed the snap button and then put the phone down on the table. But it actually turned out kind of a cool picture. Hey, uh, speaking of iPhone, I just brought in this tiny little clip I wanted to play (sounding smug). 'Cause you remember, Dick, a couple of episodes ago, you were saying they don't bend…and that was all horseshit? Listen to this clip!

(Sound clip: "He says he's still recovering from an injury, it was more than a week ago. He says the iPhone caught fire in his pocket…")

Maddox: Uh-oh! Oh.

("…burned a hole through his pants, leaving him with a second-degree burn on his leg. He says he likes Apple, has used their products for years…")

Maddox: Like a zealot!

("…and will continue to do so. But tonight, he says he wants some sort of explanation from the company.")

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How does he know it was the phone? Maybe it was his penis.

Maddox: No, it wasn't his…

Dick: (interjects) Sometimes my penis just catches on fire, you know. It happens.

Maddox: (laughing) That sounds like chlamydia.

Dick: Just get a new pair of pants, no big deal.

Roger: I was gonna say, that's an STD, Dick. You should probably get that checked out.

Dick: Allllright, alllright, you guys.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, what do we want to…you wanted to move on to some real problems, here?

Maddox: Yeah! What's your…what's your problem this week, Dick?

Dick: Well, I'm so glad that you brought up the statistical negligibility of Ebola.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's NEAR zero, isn't it?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Near zero. Um, usually…usually, I'm not bothered by the voting on this show…

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Uh…when I win, I like it, because it hurts you so much, Maddox.

Maddox: No, I don't care. I really don't care if I lose.

Dick: Right. You can hear it in your voice that you don't care.

Maddox: 'Cause it's not a contest! (angry)

Roger: You look like you care. You REALLY look like you care.

Maddox: Because…you know why this pisses me off, is because I was...Dick, you served my argument!! (angry)

Roger: Listen to your voice right now!

Maddox: I can hear my voice! It's beautiful. But here's the thing. You usurped my argument! That's what I was gonna say is that the voting doesn't matter.

Dick: What?

Maddox: I was even gonna suggest that we stop saying who won each week.

Dick: No no no no no no!!

Maddox: I don't think it matters.

Dick: No, the numbers matter. They're stats, aren't they?

Maddox: Yes…

Dick: (interjects) This is how stats are generated. Bunch of bullshit on the Internet.

Maddox: Dick, but it's not a contest. We're doing Yeoman's job here.

Dick: Okay.

Roger: It is SUCH a contest.

Dick: So neither one of us care.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Is that what you're saying?

Maddox: That's what I'm saying.

Dick: I think I don't care more.

Maddox: I…

Roger: I…I…

Maddox: I think I..(cracks up) (Roger laughs) I care way less!!!!!

Dick: Anyway.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: If the problem that I'm bringing in this week doesn't beat "Ebola Alarmists", I'm calling shenanigans on the whole thing.

Maddox: (laughing) Okay.

Dick: 'Cause I have actual proof that this is a bigger problem than "Ebola Alarmists".

Maddox: Alright. (scoffs)

Dick: Alright? My problem is…"Witch Alarmists". (Maddox laughs) (Roger laughs)

Maddox: What the hell is "Witch Alarmists"??!

Dick: Witches. You know, black magic and sorcery. And stuff like that.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Things that don't exist. Go on.

Dick: Well. Okay. Ebola. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: ALMOST a zero chance of getting it. So the number of people in the US worried about getting Ebola, according to this Gallup poll, or whatever, is 23%. Alright? Do you know how many people are worried about witches? 26%. (Maddox scoffs, cracks up) 26% of people in the US of A are WORRIED about WITCHES.

Maddox: Hold on.

Roger: Did you…did you build a time machine and go back to the Salem Witch Trials to get this statistic?

Dick: Buddy, this is a current statistic.

Maddox: Yeah, what, were they interviewing 8-year-olds? (laughs)

Dick: I guess so! 40% of people are worried about ghosts.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Believe in ghosts.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 36% of people are worried about UFOs.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: And 26% of people believe in witches. So…it's funny that people say that you're more likely to get married to Kim Kardashian in the US…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Than you are to contract Ebola?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? Um…you're more likely to…I dunno. Nothing is more likely than…you are ZERO percent likely to encounter a witch.

Maddox: Uh, not true!

Dick: There has NEVER been an encounter with a witch in the history of the world!!! (Maddox laughs) A legitimate witch!

Roger: You will encounter…you will encounter plenty of people who claim or believe that they're witches…

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: No no.

Roger: But they are not actually witches.

Dick: This is real black magic sorcery. Okay? This isn't like hippie shit where they're worried about encountering a Wiccan…

Maddox: That's…yeah.

Dick: They're worried about encountering black magic. Because it's right there among UFOs and ghosts.

Maddox: Well, hold on. Hold on, hold on Dick. (laughs) I actually dated a Wiccan. (laughing) Once. I dated a Wiccan a long-ass time ago. I didn't know she was Wiccan when I first started dating her.

Roger: W-was your first clue that she had, like a bunch of power crystals?

Maddox: She didn't have power crystals, thank God.

Dick: Yeah. Witches don't do that.

Maddox: Well actually, maybe…No, no no. You're mixing up your mumbo…your voodoo. Um, this witch…so I got to her place, she was like, really hot, big boobs, whatever. And she had all these, like…

Dick: (interjects) How big? More than a handful?

Maddox: Uhh, like a grapefruit. A good sized grapefruit.

Dick: Okay, okay. (pensive)

Maddox: So. So, whatever. This was a long time. And I walked into her apartment, and she had all these, like, potions and stuff on her counter, I'm like "Oh, shit, what's all this?" and then slowly I got out of her that she's Wiccan. And I looked at these potions and they're all things like thyme, and basil, and oregano, and they're just like, herbs, and spices, and stupid shit. Like, like oils.

Dick: Did she tell you what kind of magical spells she was casting?

Maddox: Uh, no. But she did…one time, I was in a Barnes and Noble and I saw these two teenage idiot girls sitting in the Spirituality, New Age section.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: With a witchcraft book.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And they were like, "Cast that one. Then he'll fall in love with you." (laughing)

Dick: Okay. You have never had an encounter with an Ebola Alarmist. You've never had an encounter like this with someone who wears a SARS mask. (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: Dick! Dick! (cracking up)

Dick: (interjects) (yelling) However, you have encountered someone who thinks they are a witch!!!!

Roger: That's right!

Dick: Therefore…

Maddox: Dick…(stammering) I am sitting in the room with an Ebola Alarmist! (laughing) (Roger laughing)

Dick: Just because I think that money would do us all good by going to science to cure Ebola, I'm an alarmist.

Maddox: No. That's not what…that wasn't the argument you were making last episode.

Dick: Just because people trip all the time and get other people's dicks stuck in their mouth..(Maddox laughs)…and that's an Ebola outbreak makes me an alarmist?

Roger: Wait, wait. So you think the money should go to curing Ebola rather than other…you know…

Dick: Rather than curing witchery, yes. I think "Witch Alarmism" is a bigger problem than Ebola alarmism.

Roger: Yeah, but I'm talking about other, like, serious medical issues. Like put it towards cancer or something.

Dick: Or baldness.

Roger: Sure. (laughs)

Dick: Yes. Wait, what was the question? (laughs)

Roger: Yeah. I'm saying why are you…why do you want the money going towards Ebola instead of one of those other actual medical problems?

Dick: Well…

Roger: That are more prominent?

Dick: That would be…

Maddox: (interjects) Like the flu, for example.

Dick: That would be better, but I don't think that's gonna happen.

Roger: Okay.

Dick: I mean, it's all a big…everybody's gotta get their marketing in while they can. If Ebola's hot, like "Yeah yeah yeah! Okay, let's cure it now!" 'Cause if there's no news, it's gonna go into something like preventing terrorism, and then that's a big loss.

Roger: Right. Yeah.

Dick: Or witchery. It's gonna go into preventing witchery.

Roger: Ooh. What about witch terrorists?

Maddox: You…you know…

Dick: There you go.

Roger: You should look up those statistics. I bet there are people that are really afraid of witch terrorists.

Maddox: Dick, do you have any stats on how much money the US government is spending…

Dick: (interjects) On witches?

Maddox: …to prevent us from witch attacks? Because we've never been…we've never encountered a witch, which might mean it's working.

Dick: That's true. I don't have those stats.

Maddox: Huh?! (smiling)

Roger: Or you're already under their spell and you don't know it. (Maddox giggles)

Dick: So the amount of people in this study, this Harris-whatever-Burg study. I'll put it on the website. The amount of people who are not sure that witches exist? These aren't the believers. These are just ones who aren't sure if witches are around or not.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 19%.

(Dick's voice clip: "That's ridiculous!")

Dick: Yeah. This is compared to the 26% who actively believe in witches and witchery.

Maddox: That's higher than Ebola.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Yes! It is higher than Ebola. So it's a bigger problem. (Maddox laughs) That's what I'm saying. And it better get more votes than your Ebola horseshit, or else I'm calling Chinatown Shenanigans on this whole voting process!

Maddox: (laughing) Chinatown Shenanigans! Can we just say this falls under "Conspiracy Dipshits"? Right?

Dick: Witches?

Maddox: No no. People who believe in witches. 'Cause they think there's a conspiracy of elder women who are casting sorcery on us.

Dick: No, but I think they also believe that witches can exist.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Like, there's no conspiracy behind it…

Roger: Yeah, it's not a conspiracy.

Dick: They just think "Oh, black magic. Yeah, sure."

Maddox: Well, I got a story for you. 'Cause a couple…about 10 years ago…

Dick: (interjects) Let's hear it.

Maddox: I was…it was around…it was on Halloween night. Super spooky right? Like, the perfect night for this to happen.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: I'm outside and I swear to God, like, I looked up and there was some big black object flying above. And it didn't look like…it was too big…it looked like a manta ray. (Dick laughs) It looked like a manta ray.

Dick: Here we go!!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So you're the 26% in this room! I knew it! (Maddox cracks up)

Roger: Yup.

Dick: I knew it! These odds don't lie.

Roger: It's those potions she used on him.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And then what? You saw a manta ray flying in the sky.

Maddox: It looked like a black manta ray and it flew right above, and I was looking around to see if anyone else noticed, and it was, like, kind of obscured by clouds. Um, I think it was probably a balloon, to be fair.

Dick: Probably.

Maddox: Probably.

Dick: But you're not sure!

Roger: (laughing) You're not sure.

Dick: So you might be in the 20% of Americans that aren't sure about witches.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm 74% unsure that it was a balloon. (laughing)

Dick: Roger, what about you? You ever had a witch encounter?

Roger: No, I have not had a witch encounter, unless you count, like, all the haunts that I go to, and those are not real witches.

Dick: No, I don't count those.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Have you ever had an Ebola encounter?

Roger: No, I have not, actually.

Dick: So, we're even. Even there.

Maddox: Hey! But you know, my neighbor, my crazy, hippie-ass neighbor, is a witch. Probably. Right?

Dick: Hey, here's something. "Witch Alarmism" is on the rise.

Maddox: (laughing) Is it really?!

Dick: Yeah, I got more stats! I'm loaded up with stats today, buddy.

(Dick voice clip: "I got a stats for you.")

Dick: So, uh…this study defines the different generations as old people, they call "Matures", 'cause you can't call 'em old people, I guess.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Baby Boomers are our parents, obviously. We are Gen-X-ers, the best generation, and Echo Boomers are everybody after us. Matures, 18% believe in witches. Baby Boomers, 28%, Gen-X-ers 29%, and Echo Boomers 27%. So it's growing.

Roger: Hmm.

Dick: The witch alarmism is growing.

Maddox: How is that…how is that possible? No, it's actually shrinking, 'cause you said Echo Boomers came after us and they're 27%. And we're 28, buddy.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Well, yeah, but it's the…the trend is up from 18% overall. And we're the BIGGEST offenders at 29%! Jesus.

Maddox: Wait. Didn't you say the Olders…what did you call them, the Elders?

Dick: The Matures.

Maddox: The Matures.

Dick: 18%. Gen-X? Our generation? 29%.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: So as soon as we take things over, this witch alarmist epidemic is gonna explode! (riled)

Roger: (scoffs) The closest thing I can tell you to a supernatural encounter I think I've ever had was uh…this was when I was high school and you know, back in those days, you know, it's always fun to, like, sneak out of the house late at night and shit.

Dick: And get drunk.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: This was in October, of course, and my buddy and I were just walking along down the street. 'Cause I lived in one part of Richmond and he lived in the other and I went over to his place and then we just went out for a walk late at night, just to be out of the house.

Dick: Mhmm.

Roger: And as we're walking down the road, we notice this house and one window just has this weird, green glow in it. (Dick makes an intrigued sound) And we were like, "What the fuck is that?" and all of a sudden, this, just, black shadowy figure appears in the window. And it's just not moving. It's just sitting there, staring at us. And we both just froze. We didn't know what was going on. And it just stayed there, and we were just waiting for something to happen. And then we were like "Screw this." And we just ran.

Maddox: Mmmm. (skeptical)

Roger: But I'm absolutely positive it was just some guy completely fucking with us. (Maddox laughing) But I just love that this guy had a green light and happened to see two idiot kids walking down the street and decided to scare the shit out of us.

Maddox: I thought this story was gonna end with you in a therapist's office pointing out where he touched you on the pillow.

Roger: (laughs) No. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Dark. Well, you know, it probably wasn't a witch…

Roger: No.

Dick: But it might have been a warlock.

Roger: That's true.

Dick: That's true.

Roger: Warlock…by the way, warlock is an awesome series of horror movies, by the way. The first two are really funny.

Dick: Have you reviewed them on your site at all?

Roger: Uhhh…I've probably reviewed them on the site, I think at least, like, one of his kills or something, like he basically turns a guy into an art statue 'cause the guy's an art fan and he, like, mangles him and everything.

Dick: Oh, gross man.

Roger: Really, really funny.

Dick: I've never been into horror movies. You?

Maddox: Yeah, I love horror movies, 'cause I'm the man.

Roger: Warlock is more like horror comedy, though. Especially Warlock 2.

Dick: Uhhh…no. Chicks are really into horror movies. Don't say it like it's a man thing.

Maddox: No…no they're not. If I can…like, I am always looking…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah they are.

Maddox: …looking for chicks who are into horror movies. Half the chicks I talk to are into just pussy bullshit. "Oh, they're too scary for me." (whiny voice)

Dick: Roger, you're the expert. Women love horror.

Roger: I'd say it's half and half. Honestly, half and half.

Dick: Well I guess I'm the expert, then.

Maddox: That's a big…yeah, that's a big…(Roger laughs) Oh yeah, you're the expert, Dick.

Dick: So, according to this stat, one out of three people believe in witches. I think we might have a witch among us. So I brought in a witch test.

Maddox: (laughs) Okay.

Roger: Oh, great.

Dick: To see if you're a witch. I dunno. It might take a little long, though. 'Cause we're…I'm eating up a lot of time.

Roger: No, let's do it. Let's do it.

Dick: Welll, alright. It's not a quick test, though.

Roger: You can't set that up and not do it.

Dick: I went to Wikihow, first of all.

Maddox: Oh! (skeptical)

Dick: 'Cause Maddox pulled a list of how to be a hippie from Wikihow…

Roger: Okay.

Dick: So I thought, well Maddox is always pretty good on stats. I'll go there and see if they have how to be a witch.

Maddox: Alright. (laughing)

Dick: They sure did.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: Number four, however, on the how to be a witch, was to watch out for fluff. "Developing a practice in witchcraft isn't something that can be done in 25 easy steps". And it was like, "Well, wait a minute, that's what I'm reading."

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)

Dick: So I got rid of that and I started digging through the blogs. And I finally found a great witch test.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: I'll read you some of the questions from it. "Do you have Earth powers?" Do either of you guys have Earth powers? "Do you find the answers to life through patterns of Mother Nature? Is her wisdom your wisdom?"

Maddox: Her wisdom is…

Dick: (interjects) For instance…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Are you on fire sexually and creatively in the summer? (Maddox) Oh, I think I am on fire in the summer.

Roger: Yeah, weren't you talking about your dick being on fire before?

Maddox: Yeah. You're definitely on fire sexually.

Dick: Okay, so that's me. I feel that one. Roger, do you feel any affinity towards that one?

Roger: Uhh…no. I'm more thinkin' about the Earth powers. Hmmm.

Dick: Okay, so yes for you?

Roger: What does that refer to? Because I AM on Earth and I do have power, so.

Maddox: My poop looks like a big chunk of Earth sometimes.

Dick: Maddox, this is a serious test.

Roger: Yeah, come on, get on board with this.

Dick: It's not about poop and bullshit.

Maddox: Okay. My poop is pretty serious. You haven't seen it.

Dick: Wisdom. "Do you find yourself bubbling from an internal cauldron of ancient natural healing wisdom? " (Maddox laughing) "Are people drawn to you to sit by your fire and discuss life in all its …."

Roger: What is with all the fire?

Maddox: That's what witches USE in cauldrons, man!!! (hippie voice) Come on, get with it!

Dick: I feel like that's you.

Maddox: What?

Dick: This one. You're the wisdom. "Do you find yourself bubbling from an internal cauldron of ancient natural healing wisdom?"

Roger: Well, he was bubbling with anger before…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah!

Roger: …when we were talking about who gets…

Maddox: You know, all joking aside, usually I do feel a bubbly gurgling in my stomach right before I poop sometimes, and then it's diarrhea sometimes.

Dick: Always with the poop. Let's see…wisdom.

Roger: Can you hit your sound effect, the one where the audience is booing?

(Sound effect: Fart)

Maddox: How's that one?

Roger: Alright. There you go.

Dick: How about this? Magical…magic? Did you believe in magic as a child? See magic in the air? Do you believe that nothing means nothing? Whoa.

Maddox: Hmm.

Roger: Alright, this is getting reallllllly deep. (Dick laughs) What the hell kind of quiz is this?

Maddox: Sometimes…I was at a magic show a long time ago at this place called "The Magic Castle" and the magician was doing this trick.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: And I felt this gurgle in my stomach and I went to the bathroom and I pooped out everything that I had…

Dick: Alright! (Maddox laughs) If you're gonna make this all about poop, let's just move on!

Roger: He's literally shitting over everything.

Dick: One last stat. Uhhh…Republicans and Democrats equally believe in witches.

Maddox: Idiots!

Dick: So, yeah. So for all the liberal fucks on the Internet that say Republicans are so stupid, why don't you suck on that?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Suck on that broomstick. Fuck you! (Maddox laughs) Witch Alarmism is a problem! Roger?

Roger: Alright. Well, since we got the Halloween theme going, my problem is "People who do not dress up on Halloween in costumes."

Dick: That's a big problem.

Roger: That is a big…

Maddox: Alllllllllllright!

Roger: This is a big problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Roger: So, uhh…first off, let's say, you know, you…you're at home and you're the one giving out the candies. I get these assholes who will come up to the house, not wearing anything, and then they get pissed off that I don't give them any candy. That's bullshit…it's like, you could just walk up to someone's house any day of the YEAR not in costume and ask for candy and they're not gonna give it to you. So, why do you think just because it's Halloween you're gonna get the candy?

Dick: Have you ever been, like, egged, or had your house TPed because of that?

Roger: No. No. No. Never had that.

Maddox: Roger…

Roger: I'm USUALLY out on Halloween anyway, but you know, still, before I go out that night..

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: I'll have someone come up to the house not wearing a costume, like, (scoffs) too bad.

Maddox: Yeah. But, at the end of the day, you're talking about, I don't know 3 cents' worth of sugar that you're denying someone for not dressing up.

Roger: Yeah. Absolutely.

Dick: What, do you give out candy? (incredulous)

Maddox: I don't give a shit.

Dick: Okay. (exasperated)

Roger: You're one of the most petty people I know and you're telling me you wouldn't do that?

Maddox: I mean, I'd have some special candy for them. (smiling) But uhh..yeah. You know, I would give them my shitty candy. That's what I would give 'em.

Roger: Give em…give em rotten apples.

Maddox: Shitty costume, shitty candy.

Roger: You know, there's these people who also wear the T-shirts that say, "This is my costume"?

Maddox: Oh, I hate those.

Roger: I hate that.

Maddox: I hate those.

Roger: See? That's bullshit.

Maddox: Okay, now I'm on board.

Roger: That's not a costume.

Maddox: Now I'm on board, Roger. You lost me at the beginning, but now I'm on board.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause I hate that shit. But I also hate…I hate any kind of ironic…

Roger: And they think it's so ironic and funny, and it's NOT.

Dick: It's not.

Roger: It's old, it's done, it's tired…and it's absolutely ridiculous. Plus, you know, there's also Halloween parties. It's the same thing, you know. I go to Halloween parties, I wanna see everyone in costume having a good time and stuff, but there's always, like, that one guy who just…he's too cool to wear a costume.

Maddox: Yeah, I hate that douchebag.

Roger: I think it's total bullshit that, "Oh, I'm suddenly past the age of 18. Now I'm not supposed to wear costumes anymore, because I'm an adult and I'm responsible." Fuck that! It's Halloween! Have fun!

Dick: You're making everybody self conscious when you do that.

Maddox: Yeah, but it's…

Roger: Right.

Maddox: But it's also…it's a lose-lose, Roger. I remember…so, I was always in the Halloween spirit, every year I would dress up.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: And then something happened right when I turned, like 15 years old.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: Dressed up in my Halloween costume, went door to door like I always do, and something happened. People were saying "You're too old to go trick-or-treating." And I was at a loss. I thought, "Well, this is shitty." 15 is the worst age to be, because you're not old enough to drive to buy your own candy, but you're too old to go trick-or-treating, so you're just stuck in this limbo of candyless Halloween!

Roger: Uhhh…for the record, I believe there's no age limit to trick-or-treating.

Maddox: Well, that's your belief, right?

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: No, I'll give you that.

Roger: Mhmm.

Dick: I don't mind kids, like teenagers, dressing up and going around, as long as they're going to participate.

Maddox: They're gonna fuck on your lawn, man. (laughing) That's what they do.

Dick: What are you, like the moral police!? (incredulous)

Roger: What the hell?

Dick: You don't want teenagers banging?

Maddox: I'm not…no!!

Dick: That's the best time to bang, when you're a teenager, man!

Maddox: Oh, I missed out on that.

Dick: Those are my favorite banging memories!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Oh, baby! You're so happy for everything you get now, I don't get, I don't get a hummer during an act of love and I'm bitter about it.

Maddox: Please, Dick.

Dick: When I was a teenager, man. Every score was a win.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, well…(stammers) maybe, but I don't want them having it on my lawn. Like, do you get that?

Dick: No! (incredulous)

Roger: Alright, let's look up the percentage of people that are having sex on your lawn. (Maddox laughs) That's probably about…right around the same level as Ebola. So…

Maddox: No. I think it's about 100%. I found condoms on my sidewalk. It's disgusting.

Dick: Are you serious? (laughs incredulously)

Maddox: Yeah. Fart condoms. Maybe from you, Dick.

(Sound effect: Fart)

Dick: Did you really find condoms on your sidewalk?

Maddox: Oh, yeah! It was disgusting!

Dick: When?

Maddox: Just, like…two weeks ago. (Dick cracks up) There was a pink, and it was…

Roger: This isn't a Halloween issue, though, Maddox. This is just the neighborhood you happen to live in.

Maddox: How do you know it's not…how do you know these aren't teenagers just having sex on my lawn in preparation for Halloween?

Dick: Because you live next to a homeless shelter? (Maddox laughs) So I'm sure it's homeless people jerking off with lubed condoms.

Maddox: Gross! Is that a thing?

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Why would they do that?!

Dick: 'Cause they don't have lotion.

Maddox: Maybe it's my fucking hippie neighbor fucking all the homeless people. I hate her so much.

Dick: Ugh, you're disgusting. This is disgusting.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: How did we get here from me just not liking people who don't wear costumes on Halloween?

Dick: Please take it back to that.

Roger: Yeah. That's what I'm trying to talk about. I think it's a problem. People wearing the stupid "This is my costume" T-shirts…

Maddox: (interjects) I do hate that.

Roger: I think it's a problem. People not putting in…even MINIMAL effort into making a crappy costume, like, go to a dollar store. They have amazing stuff at the dollar stores that you can slap a costume together for.

Dick: I'm actually shocked every year at what Maddox can put together at the last minute at the dollar store.

Roger: Oh, yeah, I mean the worst costume I've seen him do is he actually, in fact, the fan is right here in that room. He removed the fan blade from his room fan, wore it as a necklace, and he basically said, "I'm a fan."

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: And that's his costume.

Maddox: No, an oscillating fan!

Dick: Okay. (scoffs)

Maddox: It's different.

Dick: Is it a problem, guys who argue about what their costume is? Is that one you were gonna bring in?

Maddox: No…

Dick: (interjects) Last year…go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah, I just wanna point out. The fan was really cool! (excited) I drew fan blades on my shirt!

Roger: NO ONE thought that was cool.

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: No, that's not cool.

Roger: I guarantee no one thought that was cool.

Maddox: And then…oh, everyone loved it, baby. Everyone was taking pictures of me. Stopping…celebrities were stopping me. (excited) There was the KTLA new copter, like zooming in on me…I had…(stammering)

Roger: No, I know that's not true, 'cause I've actually had the KTLA people interview me about my costume, so I know that's bullshit.

Dick: Ohohohoh, yeah! Fuck you, Maddox! (taunts)

Maddox: Shut up, Dick! You weren't there! (Roger and Dick laughing) I had two buttons on my fan. One said, "Cool", and one said, "Super Cool". (Roger scoffs) It was the best costume, man. Everyone loved it.

Roger: And, and…I don't even wanna get into your Predator costume.

Maddox: Oh, come on, that was pretty good.

Roger: Dick, I know you saw this.

Dick: No, I love it! What I love about your costumes is that you obviously put so much work into them…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they still look like total garbage. (Maddox laughs) Like, it's like…watching a child. The amount…the ratio of work to failure on your costumes is so incredibly high, it's perfect.

Roger: You need to…you need to explain, 'cause I mean, they can't see it. What…explain what went into the Predator costume.

Maddox: My Predator costume, yeah. I spent like 20 bucks on this thing. And I spent, like a good hour putting it together! (Roger laughs) So I bought a baseball cap and I cut off the rim, and then I put pins and tubes in the top, and drew, like the Predator texture on it. It looked really realistic.

Dick: Awful. It looked awful.

Roger: Did you get the tubes from your heroin addict neighbors, or?

Maddox: Noooo, Roger. (exasperated) I got it from the hardware store, and they're REALLY high quality tubes. They're really strong.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: I'll post a picture of it online.

Roger: Yeah, you should.

Maddox: I'll let you guys decide how realistic…and then, a couple of years back, I went to an anime convention, 'cause I got a free ticket, I'm like "Yeah, fuck it, I'll check it out." Weird as shit. I made a Tekkaman costume, I think his name is Tekkaman.

Dick: What's Tekkaman.

Maddox: Uh…he's one of the Tatsunoko versus Capcom…

Dick: Ah, Jesus, what the hell is that? Can't you just, like, not…

Maddox: He's like, kind of a cyborg warrior…he looks like Vectorman. I think he is Vectorman, actually.

Dick: All of this is jibberish to me!!! What is he, a robot, or an alien, or…

Maddox: No, just a guy in a suit. Like a cool mech suit, right?

Dick: Okay.

Roger: I do…yo, I'll give anyone credit who dressed up on Halloween, but I do kind of…it is kind of annoying when someone will dress up in something SO obscure that no one knows what the hell it is…

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: So it's like…if you're doing that, you gotta…you can't get pissed off when people ask you what it is!

Dick: Well then you gotta talk to 'em about it…

Roger: You KNOW everyone that night is gonna be "What are you supposed to be?" You have to answer those questions.

Maddox: Hey, Roger, have you seen the Curb Your Enthusiasm episode where Larry David refused to give out candy to a trick-or-treater?

Roger: Uhhh, no. But I do love that show.

Maddox: I have just a little clip we can play from that.

Roger: Okay.

Dick: Mm.

( Clip plays…kids say "Trick or treat!"…Larry David: "How old are you?" Kids: "Thirteen." "Thirteen!" Larry David: "Thirteen?" Kids: "Yeah." Larry David: "You look more like 16, or maybe even 17?" Kids: "No!! Nooo, we're 13. Can we just have our candy please?" Larry David: "You're 13?" Kids: "Yeah!" Larry David: "Where's your…where's your costumes?" Kids: "I'm being my sister!" Larry David: "You're being your sister." Kids: "This is my costume." "I'm a teacher." Larry David: "You're a teacher." Kids: "So can we get some candy, grandpa?" Larry David: "Boy, I'd like to get my kid in your class." Kids: "Yeah, candy." "Hellooooo!" Larry David: "Yeah, I don't…I don't think so.")

Maddox: Yeah.

(Clip continues: Kid: "Are you kidding?! It's Halloween!" Larry David: "Yeah, I know. Yeah, it doesn't mean that you're entitled to just go around to people's homes and guilt them out of candy. Kid: "Are you kidding?" "Asshole." "Thanks for nothing, asshole." Sound of door slamming)

Maddox: Yeah. That's what…that's what happens. That's what happens. When I was, like 15 years old, just trying to get candy, and I met a Larry David, who told me no. (giggling)

Roger: Yeah, but you just heard that. They weren't in costume. Did you go and were you dressed in costume?

Maddox: I was dressed in costume.

Dick: What was it? What was it?

Roger: If you were dressed in costume and got denied…well, then again, your costumes are pretty bad, so…

Dick: Yeah. What was your costume?

Maddox: I was Dracula. (Roger laughs)

Dick: Alright. And how did you assemble this garbage?

Roger: Yes.

Maddox: Okay, so…(laughs)

Roger: Please tell me you have photos of this.

Maddox: (laughs) I had…I was wearing a cowboy hat.

Dick: Okay. Already a failure.

Roger: Already embarrassing.

Maddox: With a blond wig and a vampire cape! Come on, man!

Dick: Why did you think that was Dracula?

Maddox: 'Cause I had my Dracula teeth in my mouth!

Roger: (southern twang) Hey y'all, this is Dracula, I'm gonna be suckin' your blood tonight, mhmm."

Maddox: Oh! You guys are discriminating, you're saying they can't be, like, Country Superstar Draculas? (Roger laughs) Huh? That's who I was.

Roger: That is not what you described to us! You just said "I'm Dracula".

Maddox: Yeah!

Roger: Not Country Superstar Dracula.

Maddox: Well I just made that up. I just thought about it.

Roger: Yeah, exactly. You're pulling it out of your ass.

Dick: Roger, why do you think these people won't wear costumes? What's the deal?

Roger: Uhh, a lot of the time I think it's 'cause they just think they're too cool for it. That's seriously it.

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: They think they're too cool, or they're just too lazy and they think they still deserve candy or they should still be going to the Halloween party even though they're too cool to dress up for it.

Dick: Life has no room for being too cool.

Roger: No. It does not.

Maddox: No. I agree.

Dick: That's the overarching statement of this.

Roger: Mhmm.

Dick: Is…we're all in here together.

Roger: Yeah!

Dick: It sucks. Nothing's cool about this.

Roger: Halloween is one of the…one of the few days of the year that you can absolutely have a blast. You can just dress up as whatever the hell you want to be and you can just have fun all night long.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: And to not celebrate that…it's a wonderful holiday. It's…I do not understand people who do not want to get in on that.

Dick: What was your favorite Halloween costume that you've ever been? 'Cause you love Halloween.

Roger: I do love Halloween.

Dick: You're not a last minute guy like Maddox and myself.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Uh, my favorite one from my childhood, like, when I was a really young kid, was a Pac-Man costume that my mom actually made for me, and it was from…she actually used, like…you know, underneath bed mattresses they used to have…it was almost like these long foam pads, I guess, that they would put on top of the boxsprings. She actually cut up a big yellow one of those and sewed it all together and it looked like Pac-Man. And my brother was a blue ghost, so I would chase him around the hall. So that was a great one. (Dick laughing)

Dick: That's cool.

Roger: From more modern times, uhh…my wife and I went out, and she helped me make this Flaming Carrot costume. The Flaming Carrot is a comic book character, just this giant carrot, and it looked incredible. We had, uhh…we actually had the top of his head flaming and lighting up and everything.

Dick: Mhmm.

Roger: That was great. So…but, a lot of Tournament of Nerds shows that we do at UCB also, those are kind like trial runs for Halloween costumes a lot of the time, too.

Maddox: Yeah. That's where I wore my Predator costume, which was awesome! Everybody loved it.

Dick: Alright. (scoffs)

Roger: Hmmm…naaah…

Maddox: What about you, Dick?

Dick: I always try to do costumes that are, like, also sexy costumes, like pirate.

Roger: Oh, you do the sexy ones.

Dick: Yeah. I try to sneak it in there. Like, I'll be like a swarthy pirate.

Roger: Alright.

Dick: Or, like a guy wearing a suit.

Roger: Right.

Dick: Like "Who are you?" Ahh, you know, just, like a businessman.

Maddox: Dick! Dick!

Roger: Lemme ask you this. What do you think about? A lot of women feel pressured to wear sexy costumes and I…

Dick: I don't think they feel pressured, I think they're tripping over themselves to wear sexy costumes.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Alright, well maybe a lot of 'em do. But I always think it's way cooler when they're actually not worrying about that. They're like "Fuck it, I'm gonna dress as something scary". I love that.

Dick: You know what, dude? Last…well, not scary, but last Halloween, I hooked up with a girl who was dressed as a chick version of Marty Mcfly from Back to the Future.

Roger: That's good.

Dick: Yeah. And it was like…we had an actual conversation about it, which you don't have…well, I've never had with like, "Oh, a sexy Attorney General costume."

Maddox: Yeah, it's always sexy something, which pisses me off.

Dick: That pisses you off!?!? (incredulous, laughing)

Maddox: Yeah…just be a real thing for once, for crying out…like, every chick, (valleygirl voice) "Oh, I gotta be sexy. I'm gonna be sexy today."

Roger: Yeah, see that's another thing. I mean, I want people to dress up, absolutely, but yeah. You don't have to overkill the sexy shit.

Maddox: Yeah. Although, I don't complain, 'cause sometimes it is super sexy.

Roger: Yeah. There are a lot of stupid sexy costumes out there, though. In stores this year.

Dick: Like what?

Roger: And every year. Like 'Sexy Rick Grimes' from the Walking Dead.

Dick: Who's that?

Roger: He's the sheriff from the Walking Dead. (Dick and Maddox laugh) That is a costume this year. And if it's not sexy, they call it "sassy", but it's the same thing.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: I like sassy. That sounds…I want to talk to someone sassy.

Roger: You wanna talk to Sassy Rick Grimes?

Maddox: Yeah. I wanna talk to Sassy Rick Grimes.

Dick: What's been your favorite garbage Halloween costume, Maddox?

Maddox: Well, Dick…(Roger and Dick crack up)…one year I did dress up as the interrogated terrorist from…what was that big scandal in Iraq, where they…

Dick: Abu Ghraib?

Maddox: Abu Ghraib, yeah. The witch prisoner.

Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah. (excited)

Maddox: I was him one year, and nobody got it until I put my arms out…

Dick: 'Cause he looks like a Klan member, also.

Roger: Yeah…

Dick: Did you think about that?

Maddox: No, I didn't think about that.

Dick: With the pointy hat?

Maddox: That's the one.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You looked like you were in the Klan.

Maddox: Yeah. Well…

Roger: I'm amazed you didn't get the shit beat out of you that night.

Dick: Yeah! (incredulous)

Maddox: It was in Utah, so people…

Dick: Oh, a lot of people…(laughing)

Maddox: Oh, hey, we like this guy. A couple of years ago, Dick, you and I went out and you were…

Dick: (interjects) As friends.

Maddox: As friends, yeah. Just as friends. Platonic. We didn't make out. Um, you were Jesus..

Roger: (interjects) Lies.

Maddox: And I was a car. And that was my costume…I think it was last year, actually.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I put a steering wheel over my head and I wore an air freshener, and I drew grilles on my T-shirt. And I had two clicky, closet lights as headlights.

Roger: Oh, like those "As Seen on TV" lights?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: Yeah, those. And then I had taillights, too. And I had…it was delightful. It was great.

Dick: It was great. That was a great costume.

Maddox: Yeah. I was a car. See? That's real creative. I didn't see ANY cars.

Roger: I like it when people make their own costumes. I do like that. So.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. So take that, Dick.

Dick: Check your ironic detachment at the door. That's what you're saying, right?

Maddox: Hey…

Roger: Yes. Yeah. Forget the "This is my Halloween costume" T-shirts…

Dick: Yeah. It's not fucking funny.

Roger: Forget not dressing up at all. Just show up in costume or don't show up at all.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Right. I agree. Um, Roger, you brought with you a couple of fortune cookies, too.

Roger: Yeah, um, I actually found some Halloween fortune cookies, so I brought one for each of you guys.

Dick: Oh. Thanks.

Maddox: Chocolate. I want the black one. Black one.

Roger: We have black and orange. They're flavored the same.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: He gets "prima nocturn" at everything, so give him what he wants.

Roger: Okay, alright.

Maddox: "Prima nocturn". What is that?!

Dick: That's how English nobleman used to, like, bang people's wives.

Roger: That sounds like some witchcraft shit.

Maddox: Yeeaaaaaah.

Roger: I dunno, I think you might be one of those witches.

Maddox: And I think I'm one of the 26% here.

Roger: Yep! (laughing)

Dick: You guys didn't watch Braveheart? That's how Braveheart starts.

Maddox: Oh, Braveheart is so boring!

Roger: Oh yeah, that's right.

Maddox: I hate that movie.

Dick: Oh, you shut your mouth.

Maddox: Yeah. So we got…so we're opening up…

Roger: (quoting Braveheart with a Scottish accent) "Always have. Always will."

Maddox: Okay. (laughs) Great, Roger. Uh, we're opening up our fortune cookies. I got one…oh, it has a jack-o'-lantern on it.

Roger: (Scottish voice) Alrrright.

Maddox: Okay. Here's my fortune. It says, "You'll get candy corn stuck in your teeth." (scoffs) Alright.

Roger: Is it really? Is that what it says?

Maddox: That's what it says. I'll get candy corn stuck in my teeth.

Dick: That's a shitty fortune. (laughing)

Maddox: That's a shitty fuckin' fortune!

Roger: Do you like candy corn?

Maddox: No! It's garbage.

Dick: Alright, hold on.

Roger: Dick, do you like candy corn?

Dick: I love candy corn.

Roger: Good. Good. I do too.

Dick: I got one…in light of my recent tangles with chlamydia, I think you guys are gonna love this one. Here's my fortune. "Slime will ooze from your eyes, nose, and mouth." (Maddox and Roger laugh)

Roger: Perfect!

Dick: Tag on "In bed" at the end of that one.

Maddox: That's a pretty spooky fortune.

Roger: Yeah, I like that one.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So either I'm gonna get Ebola…

Roger: Yours actually has a pumpkin on it.

Maddox: Yeah. Mine has a pumpkin. What does yours have, Dick?

Dick: A ghost. Alright. Maddox, you wanna get to your problem?

Maddox: Wait, wait. Before we go, I actually pulled up a picture of my costume when I was Tekkaman at AnimeCon. I wanna get your guys' honest opinion.

Roger: Okay.

Maddox: Okay?

Dick: Let's see it.

Maddox: Tell me what you guys think of this.

Dick: (cracks up) It's garbage!

Roger: Okay, lemme see now?

Dick: It's just you in a white T-shirt!!

Maddox: No!!

Roger: Alright, yeah. It's you in a white t-shirt with tinfoil wrapped around your face.

Maddox: Yeah! That's my mask. And then I drew the rainbow thing on his chest. I think I nailed it.

Roger: Yeah, you did.

Dick: You nailed it.

Roger: You nailed someone who has a brain injury.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm gonna…I'll post this on the website, but yeah man! I think that looks pretty good. And so, I wore this to Anime Con and those…those fucking nerds take it SO seriously. They got really pissed off when I would photobomb their stupid cosplays…(Dick laughs)

Roger: Oh, they are SUPER serious there.

Maddox: Oh yeah. I got a picture of this guy who looks PISSED.

Roger: Anime Expo is great, though, I mean.

Maddox: No. (skeptical)

Roger: No, it IS great! Like if you want to see, just the amount of work people put into those costumes, it rivals Comic-Con. So, I mean, it's fun to just look at all the crazy costumes. I don't get, like, half of the references, but…

Dick: No.

Roger: There's some great stuff there. I appreciate what they do.

Maddox: Tekkaman. Not a single person recognized me as Tekkaman. I thought that would be the place for sure.

Roger: Uhhh…I can understand why, yeah.

Dick: 'Cause it looks like someone with Down's Syndrome…(Maddox laughs)…had too much fun with tinfoil and then found a janitor's broom.

Maddox: You know what? I don't give a shit. Whatever. I don't give a shit about those fuckin' nerds. Like, an anime convention is the nerdiest thing I've ever been to, and this is…I've been to Comic-Con for, like, what? Eight, nine consecutive years? It is a level of nerdy that is far and above anything I've ever witnessed, and I am a computer programmer. I can't relate to these people, how fucking nerdy they are.

Roger: You are nerdy, you realize that, right?

Dick: Wow.

Maddox: You know, Roger, sure, I am.

Dick: Speaking of nerdy, Roger and I did not discuss this in advance, but both of us intuitively brought in Halloween-themed problems for this Halloween-themed episode, and guess who didn't pick up on that when we came in here to record today?

Maddox: Yeah. It's 'cause they didn't tell me. Well, whatever. I got one!

Dick: We didn't mean to!! (laughing)

Maddox: I got one! Here it is!!

Roger: His problem before we came in was like "Y=mx+b. Why doesn't everyone know that?"

Maddox: (laughing) Wow, that's pretty good, actually.

Dick: His problem was Moore's Law.

Maddox: I wasn't expecting the slope formula in here. Okay, so here we go.

Roger: That's right. Slope intercept form.

Maddox: Yeah. Here's my problem this week, "Not Enough Razorblades in Candy". (Dick laughs maniacally) Yeah? Pretty good problem, right?

Dick: (still laughing) Jesus Christ.

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Thank you. Oh, thank you, Maddox. For the applause. Yeah, so, first of all. The first thing when you Google "Razor blades in candy", you know what the first thing that comes up? This is a disappointment. "Poison candy myths".

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: It's a Wikipedia page! It's an urban legend.

Roger: It is. It is. Uh…there were…

Dick: (Interjects) It is?

Maddox: Yeah!

Roger: There were all kinds of ads that they would put out back then because this thing got started, but yeah, it actually has not happened a lot at all.

Dick: No way! Oh, that's weird.

Roger: yeah.

Maddox: So there are a few instances of people doing some shenanigans with candy a long time ago. So, here's the description from Wikipedia.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: It says, "Poison candy myths are an urban legend that malevolent individuals could hide poison, drugs, or sharp objects such as razor blades, needles, or broken glass in candy and distribute the candy in order to harm random children, especially during Halloween or trick-or-treating. So, in 1959, um…there was this dentist in California, his name is William Shine. He gave candy-coated laxative pills to trick-or-treaters. (Dick and Maddox crack up)

Roger: That's great.

Maddox: He was charged with outrage of public decency and unlawful dispensing of drugs. He just gave laxatives out, so what?

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: The candy makes you shit a little bit.

Dick: Well, for a kid.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: It's a magic trick.

Dick: It's funny, but if a kid eats it, can't they like, die?

Roger: Right.

Maddox: Nooooooo, they're not gonna die. (skeptical)

Dick: Of like, dehydration? That's how you die of diarrhea.

Roger: Right.

Dick: You get dehydrated and then you die…

Roger: Arrhea?

Dick: (laughs) Yeah.

Maddox: Oh my gosh, Roger. So, no, that's like, malaria. If you get malaria and it's severe enough. But it's a kid. He's just gonna be eating candy all night anyway. This doctor…this dentist is doing him a favor.

Dick: That's why he'll die. 'Cause he eats too much of it.

Maddox: Of laxatives?

Dick: Yeah. It is a crime, what he did. (scoffs)

Roger: Right, yeah. (laughs) There's no denying that.

Dick: It's very dangerous for children.

Maddox: He was the first. It wasn't a crime then, he had to test the system. This guy's a scientist.

Roger: Yeah, he's testing it, and then he's gonna move out to date rape drugs next.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Pffffft, get out of here. This guy…it's a harmless prank. Then in 1964…

Dick: Harmless prank on kids! (Maddox laughs)

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: No prank on children is harmless!!!

Roger: Harmless to the person DOING the pranking.

Maddox: Ahhh, they get a little diarrhea. Who cares? I get diarrhea all the time! In 1964, an annoyed Long Island New York housewife gave out packages of inedible objects to children whom she believed were too old to be trick-or-treating. This could have been me, guys. The packages contained items such as steel wool, dog biscuits, and ant buttons.

Dick: Ugh!

Maddox: Which are clearly labeled with the word "Poison". Though nobody was injured, she was prosecuted and pleaded guilty with endangering children.

Roger: Whoa! This is a real thing?

Maddox: Yeah…

Roger: Ant buttons?

Dick: Yeah. (incredulous)

Roger: So, like, little ant poison pellets?

Maddox: I guess, yeah. That was in 1964.

Roger: Huh.

Maddox: But this shit is, like, so rare.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: It's been so overblown in the media over the years.

Roger: Kinda like Ebola.

Maddox: Yeah! Aaahhhh!

Dick: Yeah, but there's two instances of that happening. There's no two instances of witchery actually happening.

Maddox: You don't know that!

Dick: I do. I do. (Maddox cracks up) I do fuckin' know that no witch has ever happened anywhere, ever.

Maddox: Dick, again. That could just be that our preventative measures are working.

Roger: Maddox, just admit it. You believe in witches. (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Now, could you imagine sitting…going out with a girl, like, going on a date with a girl, and you sit down, and the topic of, like, witchery comes up, and she just goes, "That's stupid."

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: My head would blow up.

Maddox: If she said…

Dick: If she just said, flat out, "Oh yeah, witchery, and sorcery, it's dumb."

Maddox: Yeah. 'Cause that never happens.

Dick: That's never happened to me. It's always…

Maddox: Every girl's…

Dick: Every girl's like, "Oh, yeah, I'm not a witch, but I can do Reiki."

Maddox: Yeeeeeeeeah.

Dick: Here, lemme rub my hands together.

Maddox: Yep. Yep. There we go. There we go. It's always something. Um, yeah. So…you can bet your ass that came up with that Wiccan I dated. She had a cloak and everything. Um, although she couldn't fly on a broom. I would love to bang a chick on a broom. (starts laughing)

Roger: Wwhaat? (incredulous) That just sounds uncomfortable.

Maddox: I mean, you know…

Dick: Stimulate your prostate?

Maddox: If she was a witch, wouldn't that be like, awesome? Like Bewitched? The Bewitched chick was hot, from the TV show.

Dick: Yes.

Roger: Samantha? She was beautiful.

Maddox: Yeah! Samantha! Right? Wouldn't you want to bang her on a broomstick?

Dick: No!

Roger: No! (almost simultaneous)

Dick: How the fuck…man, have you tried to…I've banged in a hammock, in a spa…

Maddox: Ew.

Dick: They're awful. It's awful.

Maddox: It's called a sew swing, Dick.

Dick: No, it was a hammock.

Maddox: An actual hammock?

Dick: It was, like, literal hammock. Yeah, it was at Burning Man.

Maddox: Dude. Ugh.

Roger: What about the broom is turning you on so much? That's what I wanna know.

Maddox: Uhhh…

Dick: Logistics are very important in sex.

Maddox: You know, I haven't thought it that far through, guys. I'm thinking of this as, like, my 12-year-old fantasy. Like, I wanted to bang…

Roger: You're thinking about, like, actually flying in the air through the sky?

Maddox: Yes! That. That's what I'm thinking of.

Roger: Okay. Alright.

Maddox: I'm flying in the sky and I'm banging a witch.

Dick: You wanna be like Lois Lane with Superman.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaaah!!! Right? (Roger laughs)

Dick: Ahhh, this fuckin' guy. (grinning)

Maddox: Yeah! And also, there's like…

Roger: (interjects) And this is the guy who just a few minutes ago was talking about how Anime Expo was the nerdiest thing he's ever seen. (Dick cackles)

Maddox: Whatever. (Roger laughs)

Dick: How would you balance?

Maddox: Magic. Come on.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: And then, also, if shit goes awry and the chick is like "Oh, I'm not into this anymore", she could just drop you to your death. Isn't that hot? Like…

Roger: Uuuuhhhhhhhhhh…..(skeptical)

Dick: No!!!! I don't want that kind of pressure!!! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: I think that'd be the most satisfying sex I'd ever have.

Dick: Where you were murdered afterwards? (Maddox cracks up) Like a praying mantis? What is that called, cannibalism?

Roger: Yeah, mantid sex. There you go.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No. But then, she could like, swoop down and catch you, and be like "Just kidding!" and you'd be like "Oh my gosh, I thought I was gonna die!"

Dick: So you wanna date, like a psychotic, abusive witch. (Maddox laughs) Like, who lets you almost die just for the sexual thrill.

Maddox: Yeah. It's a practical joker.

Roger: I'm pretty sure there are people you can hire to do this stuff to you.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No. No one can fly. Whatever.

Dick: Like that girl who was a zombie. Was gonna eat your brain.

Maddox: Oh my GOSH, that's a fucking story!

Dick: We're not gonna talk about that!

Maddox: Holy shit! That's a whole episode.

Dick: No, no, I don't wanna give her that attention, either.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Okay. So, um. There's this book that was written. Actually, it was a study. It's called "The Razorblade in the Apple: The Social Construction of Urban Legends".

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And this guy talked about how in New Jersey they passed laws against Halloween sadism, that's what they call it, is Halloween sadism. "Schools trained children to inspect their treats for signs of tampering, and some communities tried to ban trick-or-treating."

Dick: Aw, Jesus Christ! (incredulous, annoyed)

Maddox: Speaking of ALARMISM…"By 1984, the threat of Halloween sadists was apparently taken for granted. Doubts about the threats reality rarely appeared in print. Several Oregon third graders wrote letters to newspapers, saying things like "I wish people wouldn't put poison in our Halloween treats.""

Dick: And they don't.

Maddox: They don't.

Dick: Oh well…

Maddox: You're an idiot.

Dick: There you go. Good wish.

Roger: That's…

Dick: Be reasonable.

Roger: The whole idea of, like, just banning trick-or-treating is ridiculous as it is.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: There was an article our friend Brian actually sent to us. I dunno if you guys saw it. Um, but he sent an article about these polar bears that were, I guess, I don't know where the town was, but they basically decided to bring trick-or-treating indoors because there was a polar bear problem.

Dick: Well, that's a pretty big problem! (scoffs)

Roger: And they were worried about kids getting eating while they were trick-or-treating. That just sounds like a horror movie in the making, to me.

Maddox: What if…

Roger: Like, even that I'm not quite sure you should ban trick-or-treating for.

Dick: Well, it depends if the town is like, Oslo, or Mexico City.

Roger: Yeah, no, it was like…(laughing) Yeah. No, it was where polar bears.

Maddox: What if people handed out polar bears as a treat? Like "Hahaha, it's a trick!"

Roger: That would be the trick.

Dick: That's a pretty good prank, right Maddox?

Maddox: Yeah! It's a good prank!!!

Dick: It's a harmless prank on kids. (sarcasm)

Roger: No one's getting harmed there, just like Ex-Lax.

Maddox: Get a polar bear. Yeah, who cares. You get a little diarrhea.

Dick: You can DIE from that!

Maddox: You…if you eat enough of it!!!

Dick: A chile can DIE!!!

Maddox: No, like a baby, maybe, but babies can't walk!

Dick: You like fuckin' with people's food, though. You have a weird…we've gone over this in previous episodes…Maddox likes slipping shit in people's food. It's really weird.

Maddox: Nooooo, come on!

Roger: Oh, he just likes ruining food.

Maddox: Oh…

Roger: Just in general. Like…

Maddox: Roger, you're the last person to talk about food, buddy!

Roger: No, I am the authority on food.

Maddox: Yeah, you're the authority on shitty food.

Roger: I am absolutely…no. Do...(stammers) Lemme ask you this, Dick. Would you like to eat spinach cookies?

Dick: I've eaten Maddox's spinach cookies. They're surprisingly good, and I like that he used the spinach as food coloring instead of food coloring. I liked it. I was impressed.

Maddox: Yeah. Thank you.

Roger: Oh, my God. Those were the worst.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: Hey, lemme ask you something, do you like spicy food?

Roger: Yes. Yeah. I like spicy food.

Dick: Okay. Thought I was gonna have him on that one.

Maddox: No, but not real spicy. (skeptical)

Roger: No, I do like it.

Maddox: So, this book. This book came out.

Dick: That's just what he does. (laughing)

Roger: Nothing is real spicy according to him.

Maddox: Yeah. I've eaten the world's spiciest pepper.

Roger: He drinks from volcanos, right? Yeah, bullshit.

Maddox: I do. ROGER, I'll outspice you any day, buddy!!!! (yelling) (Roger laughs) I'll drink…I got a bottle of my hot sauce, right here!!!

Dick: Alright.

Roger: Oh great, here we go.

Maddox: Let's drink this. Here we go. You're on.

Roger: He's gone all angry and sweaty.

Maddox: Here we go. I'm gonna drink this. I'll drink this right now…

Roger: Go ahead, drink it!!!

Maddox: Fine, okay. I'm drinking the hot sauce right now, live on the show.

Roger: I am glad you're doing this. Great.

Maddox: Look at this. Here we go. Hmmm?

Roger: Oh, you showed me.

Dick: This is not impressive.

Roger: Yeah. I'm just loving that he's doing this.

Maddox: Look at that. Look at that.

Roger: Yeah. What you're not gonna hear is him shitting himself in agony after the podcast concludes.

Maddox: Who cares?!!? I get diarrhea all the time! It's not a big deal!!

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: Actually, I don't. I'm invincible. Okay, so.

Dick: Well, which is it?! (laughing)

Roger: Yeah. You've been flip-flopping on that all episode. (Dick laughing)

Maddox: Look. Sometimes I get diarrhea.

Dick: Let's check the toilet. Let's check the splash-up on the toilet.

Maddox: Go ahead! There is very little splash up.

Dick: You know, under the seat.

Maddox: My toilet's clean. Chicks love my toilets.

Dick: Alright. (exasperated)

Roger: That is…that…ugh. Nope.

Dick: Do you have any more pranks that are being pulled?

Maddox: Yeah. I got a stats for you.

Dick: Why do you want more razor blades in candy? Why is that the problem?

Maddox: Well, because then it's interesting. Right?

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: Then at least you have…at least you have

Roger: Murder! It's interesting.

Dick: It is.

Maddox: No, 'cause it never fuckin' happens. Here's the thing. The only way that can possibly affect a kid is if he gets an apple and chomps down on it so fast and so hard…

Dick: Oh, you're making me sick, man. Don't even finish it.

Maddox: It's just never gonna happen. It's a fuckin' horror story trope.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: This book came out called "Halloween Sadism: The Evidence". This guy researched newspapers from 1958 to 1983.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: That's, like, 30 years of research. In search of candy tampering. "Of the stories, fewer than 90 instances might have qualified as actual candy tampering." Fewer than 90 instances!

Dick: That hot sauce is fucking with your tongue over there.

Roger: Yeah, sounds like it.

Maddox: I just got a lot of saliva.

Roger: Uh-huh.

Dick: I guess you're not as tough as you thought.

Maddox: I'm real tough! (yells)

Roger: As he's taking a swig of his Coke there.

Dick: Yeah. I bet you couldn't take another swig of that hot sauce right now.

Maddox: Look, I wanna do the show…(Dick cracks up) Shut up, Dick. I wanna do the show. Listen to this. So, despite the falsity of these claims, the new media promoted the story continuously throughout the 1980s…" excuse me, "The news media promoted the story…"

Roger: (interjects) What's wrong there, havin' a little trouble?

Dick: (laughing) I'm not editing this out! You are having a rough time!! (Roger laughs)

Maddox: No. 'Cause I have a lot of saliva in my mouth. Do you want me to spit to prove it?!

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: I got a lot of saliva.

Dick: Are you sure you have saliva in your mouth and not your pussy? (Maddox cracks up)

Roger: I think that might be his tears going into this mouth.

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: Shut up. (Dick laughing) So, despite…

Dick: Let's hear it (trying not to laugh)

Maddox: What!!??! (upset)

Dick: Sorry!!!!

Roger: I just wanna see if he can make it through this.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't have to read my interesting stats that I've read. You know what? Fuck you guys!! I'm not reading my stats at all!!1 (yelling)

Dick: No, I want to hear. I just want it read properly by someone whose tongue hasn't swollen into a slab of roast beef. (Roger laughing hysterically)

Maddox: It's not.

Dick: Do you need some milk or some bread?

Maddox: Hey! I don't see you two pussies drinking any hot sauce!! I drank half this fuckin' bottle in two swigs!!

Roger: Oh yeah? Drink the whole bottle!

Maddox: Go ahead, drink asshole!!

Roger: Drink the whole bottle. Prove us wrong.

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah. Yeah, great. And then what?

Roger: Prove us…prove us how manly you are.

Maddox: Look, I have to fucking TALK during this entire episode!! I can drink plenty of hot sauce! I can drink hot sauce all day! I feel fucking great about it.

Dick: (laughing) As long as you have a couple hours to recover afterwards.

Maddox: (upset) I don't need a couple hours!!!!! (Dick cracking up)

Roger: Maddox, do you see the puppet strings above your head right now? Do you see the puppet strings?

Maddox: You guys think you're so fucking clever, but I'm doing this!!!! I'm doing this!!! (Roger and Dick crack up and laugh hysterically) You guys are such assholes!!

Dick: Read your…read the thing about the book.

Maddox: I don't know if I want to anymore!!! Okay, here we go. (Roger laughs) So, "Despite the falsity of these claims, the news media promoted the story continuously throughout the 1980s with local news stations featuring frequent coverage."

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: This was just entirely a media invention, just like Ebola and the California Drought, and killer bees, and SARS, and avian flu, and pig flu. "By 1985, the media had driven the hysteria about candy poisonings to such a point that ABC News/Washington Post poll found that 60% of parents feared that their children would be injured or killed because of Halloween candy sabotage!

Dick: (incredulous) Oh, my God!

Roger: And your thing is that you want to bring that back? You want that all in the media?

Dick: Give the people what they want.

Maddox: You know, at least justify the hysteria. That's what I'm saying. And it's an interesting story! I've never known any kids to die by Halloween candy.

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: Wouldn't it be cool to be, like, "Oh, man, you guys remember Joey? Died by eating a razor blade in an apple." (scoffs) Which never fucking happens. The only way they could…

Dick: (interjects) I know…I had an ex-girlfriend who almost died on some Halloween candy.

Roger: Yeah, have you guys ever actually gotten…?

Dick: She almost choked to death on some nuts. (Maddox cracks up) (Roger laughs) Little Halloween humor for you.

Maddox: Gross.

Dick: Go ahead, Roger.

Roger: Have you guys ever actually gotten any, like, questionable Halloween candy?

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: You know, just those ones where you're like "Oh man, I'm not eating that."

Maddox: Yeah. I got an unwrapped, uh…what was it? You know those…candies, they come in strings where they're…it's wrapped in plastic, but they're individual beads and they're colorful. I don't know what they are, but…

Dick: It's like a necklace, isn't it?

Maddox: No, it's not a necklace. It's a little string of 'em, and they're little candy…

Roger: Is it like, a Nerds rope?

Maddox: Not a Nerds rope. They're not connected in any way. They're little beads of chocolate. They look like M&Ms, but they're completely round and they come in a…

Roger: Sixlets?

Maddox: Yeah. Sixlets. Those are the ones.

Dick: Oh, oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: I got one of those one time and it was open, and they were, like, kind of loosely scattered in my…

Dick: Those things are packaged very poorly, though.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: They're ready to pop…they're ready to burst.

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: Oh, you know what, though? I got those little candies, those little wax Cola bottles, with the juice in em?

Roger: Oh, those are great, the…Nik-L-Nips.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh. For yeeeeeeeeeears, I just threw those out not knowing what the fuck they were. I thought it was a stupid toy.

Roger: You were throwing those out?!?!

Dick: You just throw out candy?!

Maddox: I didn't know what it was! And then, finally, as an adult, I bought them…

Dick: It's candy!

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: Yeah, I bought them from the dollar store, and I'm like…

Roger: They're delicious, aren't they?

Maddox: I'm like…"There's juice in these!"

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I bit off the top and I drank the juice, just like I did the HOT SAUCE LIKE A MAN!!! And these pussies won't drink any.

Roger: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Being stupid…putting stupid things in your mouth is not the definition of a man.

Roger: Can you show us?

Maddox: Yeah. It sounds like your girlfriend definitely wasn't.

Roger: Dick, I don't remember him drinking hot sauce, you?

Dick: (laughing) Yeah, my girlfriend wasn't man.

Roger: Can you show us you drinking some hot sauce?

Maddox: Yeah…shut up, Roger. (Roger laughing)

Roger: How about you, Dick? Did you ever get any, uh…bad candies?

Dick: Weird? I got a…Christian pamphlet about Jesus, once.

Roger: Oh, that's the worst… that's another one.

Dick: I really remember it. I don't know why.

Roger: That's actually another problem that should be on the list, actually, yeah. People handing out pamphlets of any kind rather than candy.

Dick: Yeah. (sighs)

Maddox: We would go to, like, the rich neighborhoods and all the rich people would give out, like, full candy bars.

Dick: Candy bars. Those are great.

Roger: Oh, that's great.

Maddox: But who cares. It's like.."Oh, wow…"

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, who cares?!

Maddox: You know what, take two regular sized ones! Take two regular-sized candies, you're fine!

Dick: No, cause the king size…the big ones are different.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: They're…they're better. 'Cause they're bigger.

Roger: And now they have, like, those tiny little bites and stuff. And you don't get, like…

Dick: Too much crust.

Roger: If you get a Snickers one, there's like, no peanuts in it, or something…

Dick: Right. Right.

Roger: So yeah.

Dick: I remember…I know why that Jesus pamphlet stuck in my mind so much. Because it bothered me when I was a kid. I was like 9 years old. It bothered me that they didn't theme the propaganda to Halloween.

Roger: Oh, yeah.

Dick: 'Cause I'm like, they're handing out all this propaganda for kids. Why wouldn't they make it about Halloween?! Like I'm sitting here with all my candy…

Roger: Yeah, how, like, you're celebrating the Devil's holiday, you know? You're gonna go to Hell.

Dick: Or, like, Jesus shared candy and it was great and everyone loved him. I'd be sitting there as a kid going, like, "Oh, maybe this Jesus guy is alright." But instead it's about, like, dying for your sins. Like, I don't give a shit about this.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: I'm eating candy.

Roger: Right.

Dick: The poor marketing bothered me.

Maddox: Yeah. They needed…poor marketing. They needed to market it better. However, Christians have Christmas, which is great marketing for a religion.

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: There's no other religion that even comes close. Like, the closest is what? Judaism and they have Hanukkah, and Passover, I guess. Which, Passover is a terrible thing to sit through.

Dick: Doesn't Islam have two Christmases? Like…Ede? I think they have, like, one in the…I think they have to Christmas holidays.

Maddox: Yeah, there's the big one where they fast for a month, like on Saturdays, or something like that, for a month.

Dick: I dunno. I dated a Persian girl and she had two Christmases, as she described it to me.

Maddox: Yeah. When I was in Dubai, they did Christmas way better than Americans do Christmas.

Roger: Oh, I believe that. Same for when I was in South Korea. Same thing. It was WAY better. Was amazing.

Maddox: Yeah! In Hong Kong, they do Christmas way better than Christian nations. In Dubai, they had a bigger Christmas tree than any Christmas tree I've ever seen in my life!

Roger: Mhmm.

Maddox: In the mall. And this is a Muslin country. Come on…get your shit together, America.

Dick: (laughs) You're so pissed off about that.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah!!! Get your shit…we invented the thing and we're not even doing it right! Yeah.

Roger: Alright, we shouldn't be talking about Christmas on a Halloween episode, anyway.

Dick: This is Halloween episode.

Maddox: Yeah.

Roger: Yeah.

Dick: Alright. Do you wanna wrap your…

Roger: (interjects) Where's…

Dick: (interjects) Go ahead, sorry.

Roger: I was gonna say, I remember some of the worst candies I ever got, was, you know, you'd get, like a piece of chocolate that clearly had been sitting out, it almost looked like a car battery with, like, too much of that acid stuff on top of it.

Dick: Oh. (disgusted) Mhmm.

Roger: It just did not look right. But, I did get a rock in my trick-or-treat bag, once.

Dick: Did you really?

Roger: Just like Charlie Brown, you know?

Dick: Yeah.

Roger: But it wasn't, like, a full bag of rocks. It was just one rock. And I was so excited about it.

Dick: Yeah! I think I would be too.

Roger: That was just great. Yeah. I really was. And people always say, like, "Oh, you don't wanna get any rocks." But no, you do. You want at least one rock.

Dick: Yeah. That's awesome.

Roger: That's a win.

Maddox: I'll give you a rock. My neighbor…my neighbor is a dentist. (Dick laughing) My neighbor the dentist, speaking of, like, shitty poisoned candy, she actually gave out apples, which PISSED me the fuck off. 'Cause I lived on an acre. I had an orchard in my backyard, with…

Roger: They weren't, like, candy apples or anything?

Maddox: No! They're from her own fuckin' yard and she was my next door neighbor! I would eat her apples all the time when I was walking home from school. (yelling) I didn't want more of her shitty apples that I get for free anyway.

Dick: That sounds like an erotic story. (grinning) (Maddox laughs) My neighbor, I'd eat her apples all the time. (sexy voice)

Maddox: Oh, I got some stories. Yeah. I ate some apples, man.

Dick: From her?

Maddox: Oh yeah.

Dick: Really?

Maddox: Well not the mom, but her daughters, yeah.

Dick: Ohohohoh!!!! How many daughters?!?!

Maddox: Three daughters. (cocky)

Dick: How many…uhh…apples did you bob for?

Roger: "I got together with her daughters and we made apple sauce." (sexy voice)

Maddox: Oh, gross, Roger. (laughing)

Dick: How much apple sauce did you make?

Maddox: Uh…bushels of apple sauce.

Dick: Wow!! (incredulous)

Maddox: There was plenty…

Dick: (interjects) With multiple daughters?

Maddox: Multiple daughters, yeah. (cocky)

Dick: Whoaaaaaaa!! Hohohoho!! (yells)

Maddox: (laughing) Yeah. Different ages. Different daughter. Uh, yeah.

Dick: Oooh, yeah.

Maddox: So…

Dick: Let's end the episode on that.

Maddox: Yeah. Let's do that. Okay, what were your problems?

Dick: My problem is "Witch Alarmists".

Maddox: Uh-huh. And Roger, your problem?

Roger: "People Not Wearing Halloween Costumes on Halloween", or putting in absolute minimal effort, such as, you know, wearing T-shirts that say "This is my costume".

Dick: "Not Wearing Costumes on Halloween".

Roger: Yeah.

Maddox: "Not Wearing Costumes on Halloween".

Dick: Maddox? With your psychopath problem?

Maddox: Mine…(laughs) The real winner this week, "Not Enough Razor Blades in Candy"!!! (Roger laughs) To justify the alarmism or urban legends.

Dick: So Roger, do you want to promote anything while you're here? You wanna mention your site, spell it out?

Roger: Oh, sure, yeah. Uh…come to my website. It's http://www.I-Mockery.com. Uh, we're in the middle of the "Two Months of Halloween" celebration. You can check out all the stuff I've been writing on there.

Dick: What are you talking about next on your site?

Roger: Ummm…I'm trying to think. Uh, next, I think we're gonna cover the video game Night Trap, which is pretty…

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Oh, I remember that game.

Roger: You remember that?

Maddox: For Sega CD. That was a cool game.

Roger: Yeah. It was…it had Dana Plato in it, from Different Strokes.

Dick: Ooohhh.

Roger: Um, yeah.

Maddox: So, yeah.

Roger: That's gonna be on there, and also got, you know, a bunch of video games you can play on there that we've made, uh, of course, Abobo's Big Adventure…

Dick: Your games are great.

Roger: Thanks man!

Dick: I always…I go to check out your games and then I realize I've wasted, like, two hours.

Roger: That's good. That's the goal. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. 'Cause they're very…they're so violent.

Roger: Oh yeah.

Dick: They're like 8-bit violence…like Smash TV violent.

Roger: Yeah. I love the retro games, so that's what we kind of modeled them after. And other than that, you know, I do videos on my YouTube channel, www.youtube.com/rogerbarr, and if you want to follow me on Twitter, I'm @IMockery, no hyphen, just @IMockery.

Maddox: Yeah. We'll link to all the stuff on the website.

Roger: Cool.

Maddox: And then, uhh, Dick, we have a very important announcement to make.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: We are doing the bonus episode. It's a reality. It's coming out the first week of November.

Dick: That's right.

Maddox: And it's gonna be really exciting. Something new, but also related to the show. And it's gonna be a lot of fun. We're super excited about this. I think…a lot of fans have been asking for this for a long time, and that will be ad-free. That's just…

Dick: That will be November 5^th, on a Wednesday.

Maddox: November 5^th, on a Wednesday. Coming soon. And…and then subsequent episodes will probably release on Mondays. But yeah, the bonus episode's gonna be a lot of fun. We're super excited about.

Roger: Awesome.

Maddox: Yeah. And don't forget to vote on these problems, even if you think they're horseshit, like Dick's, and Roger's.

Roger: Nope!

Dick: Witch Alarmists!!

Maddox: Yeah. Witch Alarmists, actually a bigger problem than Ebola Alarmists, apparently.

Roger: People not wearing Halloween costumes. Biggest problem.

Maddox: Thanks guys.

Dick: Thanks for listening.

Roger: Thank you!

(Closing riff)