Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 19
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.facebook.com/LAFModel(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Heyyyy! What's up, buddy? Happy to be here, as always.
Maddox: Oh. Great week. Great week for problems.
Dick: Who won?
Maddox: So…last week, we had our second guest, Ryan Holiday, and the problems were…
Dick: Cute. Not as cute as Leah.
Maddox: Well, you know…
Dick: I give it to him, but…
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Coming as a straight guy, so…
Dick: I like to think I can be objective about it. (Maddox sputters, laughs) You know. Handsome dude.
Maddox: So, our guest's problem…
Dick: Can I accept on his behalf?
Maddox: No. "Outrage Porn" (laughing) won, and I will be accepting on his behalf, so I win!!
Dick: Oh, great.
Maddox: Thank you all for voting "Outrage Porn" as a big problem, which it is! This is something that really struck a nerve with people.
Dick: I guess. It's a problem on the Internet, though? It seems like as long as you stay off Facebook, it's not a problem.
Maddox: No, but…
Dick: (interjects) I didn't want to say that while he was here, but that's what it seems like.
Maddox: No. But he specifically mentioned how yellow journalism, like, way back in the day, kind of fueled some of the…what, the Spanish-American War and some of these other…like the…
Dick: (interjects) Good memory.
Maddox: …mafia. Yeah! A couple of weeks ago. So…that's kind of what fueled this and that actually happened and had real world repercussions back in the day. And now we're seeing it again, except on a larger scale, because Internet media gets permeated that much quicker.
Dick: Yep! Unplug, man. Just gotta unplug. Fuck it.
Maddox: (scoffs) Fuck it.
Dick: I get my news from just, uh…guys in the street. Telling me what's going on. No, wait, lemme take that back. I only get news from what I see with my own eyes.
Maddox: (laughs) Oh yeah?
Dick: Is that weirder?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Except what you see with your own eyes is just The Drudge Report. (laughing)
Dick: That's…that's true. That's fair. Alright. Do we have comments? This week?
Maddox: I do…I do…
Dick: You got any comments?
Maddox: This one…this one's from Clayton Passick and he's quoting you, Dick. He says "Maddox, you have serious road rage…"
Dick: I said that.
Maddox: Yeah, you said that. And then he says, "…then Dick proceeds to take down a MacDonald's drive through with his car." That's from a couple of episodes ago when you came back from Burning Man.
Dick: First of all, that was private property. (Maddox scoffs, laughs) It was not on the road.
Maddox: Oh. So it's not on the road, okay.
Dick: It's just assault or vandalism.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (smiling) (scoff in background) So would you say…what kind of rage is that? Private rage?
Dick: No! I wasn't even that enraged by it! I was very calm… (raising his voice)
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: You know, like Hannibal Lecter. I just calmly explained to the MacDonald's people that if I didn't get food, I would drive my car through the drive through…
Maddox: (interjects) Dick, you -
Dick: (interjects) And then I did it.
Maddox: Yeah. You are a road rage. (laughing)
Dick: I didn't use my horn once!
Maddox: Oh. What a bozo. Hey, we got some voicemail.
Dick: Cool.
Maddox: Uh…this…this may actually be paying off. Here's the first one:
Voice mail(male): Voicemails are stupid and Dick is an asshole. Great show, guys. (everyone laughing)
Dick: Alright. Leave your name next time, idiot. (Maddox laughing) So you can take credit for that!
Maddox: He doesn't need to. No! He doesn't need to. That's timeless. You know what? They should chisel that into the tomb of the Unknown Soldier. That's how timeless it is.
Dick: (about to laugh) I'm an asshole? And voice mail's stupid?
Maddox: Voicemails are stupid and Dick's an asshole.
Dick: Nailed it.
Maddox: Yeah. Nailed it. And we got another voicemail. Here's number two.
Voice mail(male): "Hey Dick. How come you're so anti-cyclist if one of your biggest problems is that everybody needs to lose 20 pounds, you fucking moron." (Maddox and Dick crack up laughing)
Maddox: Yeah Dick, you fucking moron!!
Dick: (sigh) You know that I…I didn't take that guy seriously until he called me a fucking moron. (laughs)
Maddox: Oh, yeah. He's serious when he calls you…when you say the FM, totally serious, yeah.
Dick: The reverse of the MFer.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: Do you lose weight cycling? I don't think so.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I don't think cardio burns weight.
Maddox: You're looking…(yelling) YOU'RE LOOKING AT THE RESULTS…of losing weight through cycling. I rode my bike everywhere.
Dick: You didn't change your diet?
Maddox: Uhh…yeah, a little bit.
Dick: Let's talk…let's talk working out for a little bit.
Maddox: Hey…it had something to do with it.
Dick: You changed your diet. You gotta get that core going. You gotta work out, man. You gotta lift some weights. That's how you lose weight.
Maddox: Dick.
Dick: You gotta stop eating!
Maddox: Dick. When we ride bikes…when we've ridden bikes in the past, you are dead last in the pack. Cause you don't ride bikes at all. You have no stamina. No riding over here.
Dick: Yeah…you know…I feel really uncomfortable, like, jamming elbows and handlebars with people when I'm riding bikes.
Maddox: What do you mean, jamming elbows…(laughing) You don't need to, 'cause you're dead last!! (laughing) You can't.
Dick: I don't know what to tell you. It's just…I don't get it.
Maddox: Yeah. It does help lose weight. And that would solve your "Everybody Needs to Lose 20 Pounds" problem. I never see fat people cycling. 'Cause you know what? They don't stay fat. They can't. Cycling…you know what? I can't even stay drunk when I'm cycling. I sober up after a couple of blocks.
Dick: That's how I feel about driving. (Maddox laughing)
Maddox: Dick, get off the road.
Dick: You got a problem this week? Can I go into the problems now, or you got more comments?
Maddox: Yeah, do it. Go ahead.
Dick: Alright (clears throat) My first problem is "Fireball Cinnamon 'Whiskey'".
Maddox: Uh-huh. (incredulous)
Dick: I'm quoting-unquoting the 'Whiskey' part.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause it's not fucking whiskey.
Maddox: Yeah. I…
Dick: This is actually an intervention. For you.
Maddox: Uh…This is an ambush? I'm leaving.
Dick: I'm…(cracks up)…that's what it is. (Maddox laughing) No, I hate this so-called whiskey so much, and I don't really know why.
Maddox: It's SO GOOD! You hate all things that are good.
Dick: Maybe so. Maybe I do hate good liquor, but it just…it really fucking annoys me, man.
Maddox: Why?
Dick: And I think, it's…it's partly because it's not whiskey.
Maddox: It's whiskey.
Dick: No, it's not. It's a liqueur. Here, I actually found out what it was. It's a (sigh) (exhales and mutters) (looking for his reference) Hopefully I wrote it down. It is a "cinnamon flavored whiskey-based…" what the fuck does that mean? Whiskey based liqueur.
Maddox: Yeah. It's based on…
Dick: (interjects) You know what else is like a liqueur? Schnapps.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Not whiskey.
Maddox: Well, no one's drinking Schnapps, 'cause that stuff sucks.
Dick: That's what…I think that's what Fireball Cinnamon "Whiskey" is.
Maddox: You know why it's its own thing?
Dick: Why?
Maddox: Because you don't mix it with anything. It's perfect the way it is.
Dick: It's already mixed with a shitload of sugar!
Maddox: Uhhhh…(skeptical)
Dick: That's what it's mixed with!
Maddox: Is it? Is it sugar?
Dick: Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no. It's got…where is it? I wrote that down, too, man. It's got a ton of sugar in it. It's got…like 11 grams of sugar per shot, or something like that.
Maddox: Hey. You eat a can of Yoplait yogurt. That's got 12 grams. What are you gonna do?
Dick: Hold on, I'm looking for it. It's got…yeah, yeah. 11 grams of sugar per shot. (smug) That's what it's mixed with.
Maddox: Per shot?
Dick: Per shot. That's what I've got on the sheet here.
Maddox: That means I'm cutting down from the sugar I normally eat.
Dick: Compared to 0 with actual whiskey and bourbon.
Maddox: But…it's all carbs. It's all gonna turn to sugar anyway. You just can't taste it as prominently.
Dick: Look, I just hate it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I hate that it exists.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: And I want everyone to hate it. And it annoys me that people drink it. 'Cause it's not fucking whiskey. You're drinking…you're drinking, uh…Zimas. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: That's bullshit. So, that's…that's egregious. I'll tell you my…
Dick: (interjects) I'm gonna spend this episode trying to convince you to hate it too.
Maddox: (sighs) Dick, but I love it so much. Here's…here's why. First of all, it's spicy. It's the only…it's one of the few spicy things that you can drink without looking like an asshole. 'Cause if you're at a bar at night drinking a Bloody Mary, you're a dick!
Dick: (scoffs) I have done that.
Maddox: Yeah. Like some jerkoff. "Oh, who's that jerkoff over there with a fucking vegetable tray in his drink and olives…and whatever the hell they put in there."
Dick: They'll put a hamburger in a Bloody Mary sometimes.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. I've been to those crazy places. Those are fun for brunch. They're fun for day drinking. But at night, at a bar, you're an asshole if you're drinking a Bloody Mary. You're just an asshole.
Dick: Yeah. I think part of it is that I feel like this Fireball Cinnamon shit is also just a gigantic marketing campaign.
Maddox: Maybe. But lemme tell you my story with Fireball.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: The first time I ever got introduced to it was through an ex-girlfriend. She came home, and she said "Hey, I tried this incredible new thing. You might like it because you love spicy things." And I love cinnamon. Cinnamon's a great…I put cinnamon in everything and it's awesome!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I eat so much cinnamon that I sweat it out of my pores!
Dick: Mhmm.
Maddox: I just smell like cinnamon all the time, which is GREAT. It's awesome. Everybody loves it. Strangers stop me on the street and tell me how good I smell. So, I tried this cinnamon whiskey and I decided the first time I ever tried it, I decided, you know what? I'm going to drink a little bit of this every day for the rest of probably my life. And I kept to it for about two months. I drank a little bit of cinnamon whiskey every day.
Dick: I want you to drink real whiskey instead, though.
Maddox: I do! I drink that too! I do Jameson, I love that stuff.
Dick: Alright.
Maddox: Yeah! It's great.
Dick: I want everybody to do that, then. And stop drinking this shit!
Maddox: Yeah, no, but the cinnamon whiskey is SO good. It's a good sipping whiskey.
Dick: It's not even whiskey! It's a liqueur!!! (snapping) Stop calling it a whiskey! It is a cinnamon…
Maddox: (interjects) It's whiskey-based liqueur.
Dick: Whiskey-based liqueur. You know what's not whiskey based?!
Maddox: What?
Dick: Whiskey! (Maddox laughs) They don't put "whiskey-based" on a bottle of Wild Turkey. It just says "Bourbon".
Maddox: Hey. What do you get…
Sean: (interjects) What's the alcohol content..of…
Dick: 66…uh…66 proof, right?
Sean: Okay, yeah, because what basically designates something a liqueur is a certain alcohol range.
Dick: Oh really?
Sean: Yeah, yeah yeah. Because whiskey and stuff is gonna be…like, for instance, bourbon HAS to be a minimum of 80 proof. That's a minimum of 40% alcohol. It also has to be bottled in Bourbon County, Kentucky, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Otherwise it's just…you know, it's American whiskey. But yeah yeah yeah, no. There's certain criteria for how they classify, you know, "spirits" are things like gin and…
Dick: (interjects) That's what it is!!
Sean: So it's a liqueur!
Dick: No, no, you're stumbling on it! 'Cause they gotta call it "Bourbon", 'cause it's from Bourbon County. They're calling this whiskey and it's not fucking whiskey.
Sean: No, they have to call it a liqueur just like Southern Comfort. People for some reason think that's a whiskey. That's a liqueur.
Dick: Also gross.
Sean: It's a liqueur. Because it has a much lower alcohol content.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Sean's right. I just looked this up. It says here that liqueurs have much higher proof rating. 200 proof means 100% alcohol. So, um, they have…usually, like 40. So it's higher…it's higher than that! 66% you said, right?
Dick: No no no no, 66 proof. That means 33%.
Sean: 66 proof, which is 33%.
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Proof is twice the number of the alcohol by volume. So it's…
Maddox: (interjects) So it's a 33 proof?
Sean: So it's whiskey light. Basically.
Maddox: Yeah. Whatever. It tastes delicious. You know what? You can add whiskey to whiskey. Why don't you just add more whiskey to it?
Dick: Add whiskey to…(stammers) I don't want it to taste like a melted popsicle when I'm drinking! I want it to burn.
Maddox: You know…it does burn and it's a good sipping whiskey, and it pisses me off when people do Fireball shooters! Cause it has so much flavor! You don't shoot that shit! What, do you shoot hamburgers? Huh!?! No, you take them one bite at time, 'cause you want to SAVOR the flavor.
Dick: Isn't that a slider?
Maddox: Yeah, slider. You don't just shoot them. You don't swallow them whole. You chew it and you air out in your mouth. But people do shots of Fireball whiskey like it's going out of style. Especially chicks. Saying "Oh, let's do fireball shots" (whiny imitation voice) I'm like "No!" You know what, cancel! Bartender, cancel all these drinks! We're going home. (background laughter)
Dick: Yeah. Good. I agree with that.
Maddox: Yeah. You're gonna drink it on the rocks and you're gonna sip it and you're gonna contemplate your life.
Dick: I'm not gonna drink it at all, cause it's just sugar water. It's not…you know what I think it is? I want people to be grown up when they're drinking.
Maddox: Ohohoh. Tell me all about being grown up when you're drinking, Dick. (Dick cracking up)
Dick: Look. Look. I decided to bring this in because I want to bring in problems that piss me off, right?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And I'm giving you my honest reason why…
Maddox: Uh-huh…(skeptical)
Dick: It's got something to do with me thinking that these people need to grow the fuck up and drink a real whiskey. Like, you can't be halfway! You can't half grow up! You can't half be pregnant. You put the sugar water down with your other kid stuff, you grow up, you be a man, and you drink 80 proof whiskey! (yelling) Or bourbon!
Maddox: You know what, Dick, I think this is…there's two things going on here. First of all, this is a diet thing. You just don't want to eat too much sugar in your diet, huh.
Dick: I also don't want to get the hangover.
Maddox: Looking to lose weight. You don't get a hangover, because here's the thing. You don't drink enough Fireball Whiskey! You don't slam Fireball and you don't drink it all night. You drink one cup of it over rocks and that's it. And you just chill all fucking night. You just sit down and contemplate your life.
Dick: Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa. What?! (incredulous)
Maddox: That's what you do! Yeah.
Dick: What do you mean, you drink ONE drink?
Maddox: No. Of Fireball. You don't drink more than one…
Dick: (interjects) And then what?
Maddox: And then you move on to other drinks.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: It's a good starter or it's a good mid-drink. You never want to finish with Fireball, because then you might be dangerously close to shooting it. But it's a good in-betweener, especially if you kind of want to chill out in between the heavy…you don't want to…you know, Dick, you drink with a purpose. And that purpose is being drunk. Some of us drink…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, mostly, yeah.
Maddox: Some of us drink to reflect.
Dick: Uhh…that's the same thing. What do you mean? (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Dick, I feel like you've spent so much of your life drunk…(Dick laughs) including today during this episode. (background laughter) You just have not stopped drinking since lunch this afternoon.
Dick: Look. Here's the…here's an actual problem with this.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I think this is gonna start…what if it starts infecting other whiskeys?
Maddox: What do you mean, it starts infecting other whiskies?!
Dick: What if like…Maker's Mark is like "Oh man, we gotta get in on this…this cinnamon craze. Let's just add cinnamon to all our shit."
Maddox: Oh, great. Then it'll make Maker's drinkable. (laughing) (Dick screams in frustration and laughs)
Dick: I'm gonna lose it! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: What's that…fucking…
Dick: Like, Tennessee…that honey whiskey…who's doing the honey whiskey now?
Maddox: Yeah. It's Jack. Jack does the honey whiskey, yeah. I have it.
Dick: No no no no! I see that on the shelf and I'm like "Aaaaaaaahhh, no no go away, go away, go away!"
Maddox: Oooooooh. It tastes like syrup. It's pretty good. Hey, Dick, what's that motor oil you like to drink? The Johnny Walker Black? Is that the…
Dick: Yeah, I like Johnny Walker Black.
Maddox: It's garbage. It just tastes like…
Dick: Uhh….it is always great.
Maddox: Ugh. It tastes like somebody put a sock over a muffler and then put that, like…just put it in with some cheesecloth into a bottle of whiskey…
Dick: Okay. Let me give my version of Johnny Walker Black.
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: It tastes like a beautiful woman is smoking a cigar on your lap (Maddox shudders) and then blowing it into your mouth.
Maddox: Oh, man. (disgusted)
Dick: That's Johnny Walker Black.
Maddox: I like, like half of that. You lost me…
Dick: Which half? (Maddox laughs)
Sean: I think that is quite possibly the greatest description I have EVER heard for Scotch.
Dick: Thank you. Thank you.
Maddox: Wow. You know, it sounds like Sean wants to sit on your lap and blow cigar smoke into your mouth (background laughter) (Maddox laughing)
Dick: If he promises never to drink Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey, I'll let him!
Maddox: Sean, I was gonna buy you a shot of…I was gonna buy you a Fireball Whiskey drink tonight…it's not a shot. What do you call just a drink? It's just a drink, right?
Dick: Yeah. A glass.
Maddox: A glass of Fireball whiskey.
Dick: Of liqueur.
Maddox: I'm not anymore, yeah.
Dick: Of whiskey-based liqueur.
Maddox: No. No more. It's not a liqueur.
Dick: It's a whiskey-based liqueur!
Maddox: What do you…what do you mix it with?! Nothing!!!
Dick: You don't have to mix liqueurs! You don't mix Schnapps!
Sean: No. They've watered it down. Everything is cut to a specific proof. Because…(stammers) Unless you buy something called "Barrel Strength" or "Cask Strength", uh…
Dick: Yeah.
Sean: Which is, you know, usually much higher alcohol content. But yeah. So they take whiskey and then they water it down and fill it with, you know, the other additives to make the flavor. To get a very specific proof number. That's why they can get it batch after batch.
Maddox: Yeah. You know…I just want cinnamon-based drinks. I drink cinnamon tequila, and that shit's great too. I love cinnamon…
Dick: (interjects) Oh my God, dude. That is disgusting.
Maddox: (yells) Do you even understand the process?! Like, when you…when you try, like cake-flavored vodka, or…
Dick: (yells) NO!!! I don't drink cake-flavored vodka!!!!!! (incredulous)
Maddox: Whaaatever.
Dick: I buy that, because it's cheap, and I go to parties of people that I hate and give it to them so I can drink their good stuff!!
Maddox: Look. We all do. We all do that. However, do you know how they flavor that? Do you know how they infuse the flavor into the vodka?
Dick: Yeah. They take a horse and they give it a vodka enema.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (skeptical)
Dick: And then they have it shit into a bucket…
Maddox: Ugh…(sighs) (background laughter)
Dick: And then they pour that into vodka bottles with a picture of cake on them so retards buy it. That's ridiculous! (yells)
Maddox: You know, Dick, I blame myself for asking a rhetorical question. (Dick cackles) I should never ask…I needed, like…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, you fucked up.
Maddox: After 19 episodes now, I need to learn to never ask a rhetorical question. So the way they infuse whiskeys and vodkas and things is they take whatever they're trying to infuse it with, like say, put it in a cheesecloth. 'Cause you can do this yourself. And then just put it inside the alcohol. If you want it to taste like birthday cake. You take some birthday cake, put it in the cheesecloth, put it in the bottle, and leave it there for a month. And it infuses the flavor. It doesn't pick up any of the sugar or anything, it just picks up the flavor. The flavor of…the essence of whatever you're infusing it with. You can do that with cinnamon. You can do that with basil. You can do it with mint! All sorts of different herbs and stuff. So if you want your alcohol to taste that way, you just infuse it! That's all it is.
Dick: You think that's what they do? I think they use chemicals.
Maddox: Well, probably in huge batches, but that's one way to do it. So you're not necessarily…Look, Fireball whiskey's probably too cloying for most people. For you, apparently.
Dick: Cloying…what do you mean?
Maddox: Too sweet.
Dick: (thinking) Yeah. Yeah, it's way too sweet.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's just…I don't like it. I don't like that it exists.
Maddox: Well…
Dick: (interjects) I don't like the whole thing that it's about.
Maddox: Hey, Dick..
Dick: (interjects) I don't like that it's the new Jäger and people are not just saying, like "What are you drinking, Jäger 2.0? Well, good for you. Go away."
Maddox: Jäger is like Robitussin. How dare you compare the two? By the way, Jäger is the last thing I remember drinking every time I black out. And three out of the four times I've ever blacked out in my life, Dick, have been with you.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Maddox: 'Cause you…you're a shitty drinker. (Dick laughs)
Dick: (interjects) WHAAT?!
Maddox: You're drinking wrong!! (yells)
Dick: What?! I'm a shitty drinker?!
Maddox: Yeah! You're trying to drink…you're going about it wrong. You go…you drink(laughing) TO black out.
Dick: I will fucking fight you!! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: You drink TO black out. I drink to have a good time. To just enjoy and be social. It's not my goal to black out and throw up.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Whereas I feel like it is for you.
Dick: Look. Get yourself a bottle of Johnny Walker Black and a bag of Atomic Fireballs.
Maddox: Mhmm.
Dick: Just do that for a while and you tell me that's not better.
Maddox: Tell you what…
Dick: And then eventually stop putting the Fireballs in and just have the Johnny Walker Black.
Maddox: Yeah. You know what? I would say do the exact same thing, except instead of the bag of Fireballs, get a revolver. (Dick cracks up laughing) Put that in your mouth and see which one tastes better. I guarantee the revolver smoke will taste better. You know what, Dick, you sound like…you sound like a feminist right now.
Dick: Do I? (background laughter)
Maddox: Yeah. All those people who are outraged about the Spider-Woman's ass cover, hey, there's a real simple solution. Just don't buy it! So…it's there, and you don't have to buy it. So what if people like to drink it?
Dick: 'Cause you're talking about it.
Maddox: How about that?
Dick: They're talking about it at bars! And they won't stop talking about it!! (yells, angry)
Maddox: Maybe 'cause it's so good? Maybe that's why?
Dick: It's not good!
Maddox: I got in a fight with a girl at a party who was really interested in me and I decided right then and there that I was…I was forgoing any potential possibility of ever hooking up with this girl, and I was FINE with that, because she said she does shots of Fireball. And I put my foot down. I gave her the hamburger example…
Dick: (interjects) Why is that…why do you not like shots of Fireball?
Maddox: (yelling) It's a waste of the Fireball! Every little drop of that stuff is PACKED with cinnamon goodness! It's so good!
Dick: Oh, 'cause you get it down faster.
Maddox: Yeah, you get it down faster!
Dick: Yeah, I mean, I don't do shots either. I'm with you on not doing shots.
Maddox: Yeahhhh. Shots…are…what are you doing shots for?
Dick: It's not a fucking race. I'm not here to race.
Maddox: It's not a race. Yeah.
Dick: I'm drinking a drink. Settle down. I'll be here all night.
Maddox: Where do you gotta be in such a hurry? Yeah. Where do you gotta be in such a hurry that you gotta get there drunk?
Dick: You know, that reminds me. I went to this festival with a girl and she grabbed a bottle of Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey to drink…it was, like, a Bluegrass Festival. And she was passing it around all night with all of her friends.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: She was like "You want some?" and I was like "No, I don't drink that shit." Turns out she got mono and I didn't. (Maddox laughing) So I think she got mono from…Cinnamon Fireball Whiskey.
Maddox: You know…she didn't get it FROM Cinnamon Fireball Whiskey, you dick!
Dick: I don't…I don't know!
Maddox: No. She didn't. She didn't. That's a verifiable fact. They don't put mono in that shit! So, rather than this be…
Dick: (interjects) Somebody did! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Why are you hanging out with people who have mono?
Dick: (laughing) I don't know.
Maddox: Yeah. You don't know.
Dick: Do your…you wanna do your problem?
Maddox: Let's get to my problem.
Dick: I think that's a big problem. And people will agree with me.
Maddox: People will not agree. It's another horseshit problem.
Dick: There's a whole culture around it!
Maddox: Yeah. A culture of cool people.
Dick: That annoys me.
Maddox: Cool people drinking Fireball. Okay. Here's a real problem. "Flat Tires". Yeah! Huh? Sean's nodding already! I already got him. Tune in next week…so. Flat tires. Huge problem, right? Let me ask you this? So, radial tires were invented around 1946, 1948. And they're always going flat. Why, in 2014, are we still using this outdated, ancient-ass, 70-year-old bullshit technology?
Dick: Well, I don't.
Maddox: What do you use?
Dick: I have run flats.
Maddox: What are those? What are run flats?
Dick: Uh…you puncture them and they don't go flat and you can drive on them.
Maddox: Yeeah. That's in theory, but…
Dick: (interjects) They've got, like, a bladder system.
Maddox: Yeah, but you get a deep enough gasp and they're still gonna go flat.
Dick: What, like someone takes a hatchet to your car? Or you ram it into a curb? (laughing) Then yeah.
Maddox: Dick. Of all the people I know who might risk getting a hatchet in their wheel, it's you. You're at the top of that list with some of the chicks you've dated.
Dick: They do work, though. Like, I have…
Maddox: (interjects) Do they?
Dick: Yeah, I've run over screws and stuff and the little sensor comes on that says you gotta drive to a… you know…a repair shop.
Maddox: Yeah. And then you still have to go to a repair shop. You still gotta get that thing patched.
Dick: Well yeah, but you don't have to put on a spare tire.
Maddox: I guess. (skeptical) But, you know, that's just gonna get you so far. It's just…it's saving one interim step.
Dick: Uhhh…yeah. Okay.
Maddox: I don't use run flats, 'cause A) I didn't know they existed. (Dick and Maddox crack up) and B)…No, I mean, I've heard of it. There's like, some goo you can buy, too. You can fill your tire full of goo. But that…
Dick: No, but this is like…these actually work. I don't know if that goo shit works.
Maddox: No, it works.
Dick: It's like a science chamber system of bladders and air and you pop one, and, like, the pressure seals it off. I don't know.
Maddox: Oh, so it's…it's kind of like the way a bladder system works in a ship, say, like the Titanic. Right? So that you puncture one bladder and it's not supposed to fail…
Dick: (interjects) Listen to me, you smug motherfucker…(Maddox laughs) I'm telling you that it works and that you would love them. So what, we're still using radial tires?
Maddox: Why are we still using bullshit-ass radial tires in bikes, in cars, in trailers…in diesels…'cause you know what? There's already a technology that exists that's FAR superior. They're called "Tweels". Have you heard of these? You know what tweels are?
Dick: No.
Maddox: So, it's…the name comes from a tire and a wheel and it's this radial tire…it's this tire they made…uh, Michelin invented, that they invented in 2005 (incredulous) and it looks like it's kind of like, almost like a hubcap, like it's transparent. You can see through it. There are holes in it.
Dick: Do you have a picture?
Maddox: No, uh…I'll post one on the website. But it's kind of a criss-cross matrix of spokes and weird things, and it's this awesome tire that doesn't have air in it!
Dick: What does it have?
Maddox: Nothing. It's just…
Dick: (interjects) It's just rubber?
Maddox: It's just rubber and this…I believe…it's cable reinforced bands of conventional tire that are energy absorbing. So they were invented in 2005 and we STILL don't have them on the market.
Dick: Why? The tire?
Maddox: Well, so…
Dick: How do we have Teslas and we don't have these awesome tires?
Maddox: Yeah. These tires are incredible. They've started to experiment with them on military vehicles 'cause they have really high tensile strength…
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And if it gets damaged, you can replace the individual spokes that get damaged. These things…they look almost like a Chrysler wheel. Like the Chrysler hubcaps, you know, with the criss-crosses? Almost like spokes.
Dick: Oh. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah! Looks kind of like spokes on a bike.
Dick: Like an interlocking lattice of spokes.
Maddox: Exactly. Yeah.
Dick: Oh, really? That's pretty cool.
Maddox: Yeah. It's really cool.
Dick: You don't have a video? You can't pull up a video?
Maddox: There are videos on YouTube. Just…just…
Dick: I wanna see this thing.
Maddox: Just YouTube "Tweel". Or maybe Sean's pulling one up. So, here are…here's some of the…
Dick: The name sucks. It's a stupid name.
Maddox: Well. I think that's just kind of like, the um…
Dick: Tweel?
Maddox: That's just kind of what the slang is for it. The nickname. So, they have calibrated directional stiffness…
Dick: Yeeeahh. (lewd) Mhmmm.
Maddox: (laughing) Dick. And then they have "flex under load", so they kind of…you know, they flex under load. And they have high lateral stiffness and low vertical stiffness.
Dick: That's what you gotta look for in a woman, man. All those things.
Maddox: Jesus, dude. (background laughter) It reduces hydroplaning.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Chicks don't do that. Chicks increase hydroplaning. They last two to three times longer than conventional tires. AND, here's another advantage. The tread around it, like the rubber tread can be replaced, as opposed to replacing the whole tire. So it's almost like those diesel wheels that have those treads around them…you seem them tear off on highways?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They have treads like those that can easily replaced.
Dick: Where the fuck are these things?!
Maddox: Yeah. It doesn't require air pressure sensors. So you don't need that bullshit that you have in your car.
Dick: Mine are all broken, by the way.
Maddox: Of course. They always break. It's another thing that's just gotta break. So you get rid of those, 'cause you don't even need to check the pressure in all four tires to make sure they're equal.
Dick: So there's no air? It's just like a metal wheel with rubber all around it?
Maddox: Yeah. It's not metal, exactly. And it…yeah. So it doesn't require pressure sensors. It's just a matrix…a lattice of just cables that kind of intertwine each other. It's just…it's a hallmark of engineering. These things are brilliant. And we're still…
Dick: (interjects) So why don't we have them?
Maddox: Exactly. Why don't we have them?
Dick: You don't know?
Maddox: I have a theory.
Dick: Okay, what's your theory?
Maddox: Well, so, this came out in 2005. They last 2 to 3 years longer than conventional tires. So who stands to lose out on that?
Dick: All the tire companies.
Maddox: All the tire companies. And guess who invented it? Michelin.
Dick: So…
Maddox: So here's a picture of the tweel I pulled up. It just looks like a lattice, right?
Dick: It's pretty cool. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. And we'll be posting this on the website, but yeah. These tweels…
Dick: What, do you think, they're in, like, a conspiracy to withhold them? To not…
Maddox: Nooo..(laughs shakily)
Dick: So they can keep selling shitty flat tires?
Maddox: Yeah. I don't want to sound like a conspiracy dipshit.
Dick: That kinda sounds like a conspiracy dipshit.
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, they look reasonably cool…
Dick: Yeah, it looks cool. I'll rock that. It looks better than my Persian racing tires.
Maddox: Yeah…(laughs)…Pretty cool, bro. So, we have these…this technology exists and we're still not using it. We're still dealing with this flat tire bullshit.
Dick: Yeah, but…what was your…you said you had a theory on why we don't have.
Maddox: Well, just that. That they last longer. It's possible that car companies haven't brought them out because they don't want to deflate their own market.
Dick: Yeah? You think so?
Maddox: Yeah. They might not want to…
Dick: How much are they?
Maddox: Don't know, 'cause they're not on the market.
Dick: Yeeeah, I bet they know, though.
Maddox: Of course they know. They've gotta be cheaper. So they last two or three times longer…
Dick: Ehhhh, I don't know. They don't GOTTA be cheaper. What if they're really expensive? That would explain it.
Maddox: Okay, yeah. But manufacturing costs go down with every new technology.
Dick: Yeah, but that's like the…light bulb that lasts forever. Like, they've definitely made a light bulb that lasts forever and found that it's too expensive. And no one will buy it.
Maddox: How do you…what's this based on?
Dick: Nothing. Just a story that I heard. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Here we go. Of course.
Dick: It's just a thing that I heard one time, from a guy. (laughing.
Maddox: Yeah. Sure. A guy. Yeah. From one of your news sources that you saw with your eyes.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: The Drudge Report. (laughs)
Dick: That's a good explanation.
Maddox: Yeah. We're still dealing with this ancient, ancient technology. So this is from the New York Times. They said…they were talking about this. The tire…this is another type of tire. This isn't the tweel I'm talking about. This is another type of tire. It's from an article titled "A Tire That Evolves As It Wears". "Michelin has developed a tire that counters the effects of wear with channels that grow wider and hidden rain grooves that emerge as the tire is used, along with special rubber compound for wet conditions. Michelin says that the tire, the Premier A/S…" That's the name of the tire, "…reduces stopping distances in wet conditions, and when worn, better resists hydroplaning, skating on a thin cushion of water, compared with conventional tires." So, this technology exists as well. This article came out last year. These new tires are coming out all the time. We're still using the same HORSESHIT in our cars!
Dick: Something's gotta be wrong with them.
Maddox: Like plebes. A bunch of Luddites.
Dick: I don't think it's…Yeah, I don't think it's a corporate conspiracy.
Maddox: Well, so…I read this a long time ago. This was probably straight up conspiracy, but a lot of oil companies, I heard, were buying patents for clean-burning engines and more efficient engines…
Dick: (interjects) I don't buy that shit.
Maddox: No?
Dick: Because then I read the patents and it's always like "Oh, here's the steps on how to reproduce this technology, whatever, and then step 11: Cram a bunch of magnets in it." And it's like oooookay, there we go. (skeptical)
Maddox: You know what, Dick? Here's why I believe that there's some credence to these theories, is because TV companies…studios…do this all the time. They buy shows…and this is something people who are listening might not know, but they buy shows all the time that they don't intend to produce ever. They'll pay top dollar for it and they'll outbid another company just so the other company doesn't have something.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So you don't think that tire companies might do something like this? They might create this technology?
Dick: No.
Maddox: So why are they coming out with this?
Dick: No…because there's something else wrong with it. Like, I think if Michelin invented the tire and it was actually good beyond, like, a press release saying how cool it is, they would just push it forward because then they would make a shitload of money, having invented something that none of the other tire companies did.
Maddox: Well, there is…to be the Devil's advocate and to argue both sides. I did read one of the drawbacks…(laughing)
Dick: No. Here we fucking go. (laughing) (Maddox laughs) You know, they don't even use that guy for the Popes anymore. You know where that phrase comes from?
Maddox: What?
Dick: Devil's advocate?
Maddox: What?
Dick: So, back in the day when they were picking a new Pope, one of the cardinals, or bishops, or whomever they are, as they pick the Pope, would have to play the Devil's advocate and argue against that guy.
Maddox: Good.
Dick: Yeah, well they all hated that guy so much, because everyone hates the Devil's advocate, that they stopped doing it.
Maddox: Oh! Let's just stop listening to the one dissenter. Let's all invade Iraq, 'cause that's what happened there. They didn't listen to their dissenters. They just kicked them out of the room! Oh, no counterargument? Okay! That's like kicking out the guy…the one guy at your wedding who says "Do you have an objection to these two people getting married?" You want that guy there! (yelling) Let's hear it! Let's air out all the grievances!
Dick: You know what? You should start doing that at every wedding you go to.
Maddox: What, be the guy?
Dick: Yeah. Saying "I'm being the Devil's advocate. What is the problem here?" (Maddox laughs) "I'm just…voicing a reasonable objection. Surely you can logic your way out of this during your wedding!"
Maddox: (laughs) I'm sure everybody will appreciate me for being so forthright and candid.
Dick: I think you actually should! That would be funny. That would be a funny tradition.
Maddox: And useful. It might help save some people from the heartbreak and agony of a divorce. 'Cause if you're standing on the alter, you have one last minute to change your mind. And I might be that guy to help them, huh? A hero. Hero Maddox.
Dick: Promise me you'll do that someday.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Object at a wedding.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: Really. I really want you to promise to do that. (laughs)
Maddox: Well, if you ever invite me to…
Dick: (interjects) I'll do it! I'll promise to do it too!
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Dick: (laughing) Doesn't mean as much when I promise it, does it?! (laughs more)
Maddox: Ughh…nothing means anything.
Sean: Guess whose wedding he's gonna object to.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What, ours? Are you proposing to me?!
Sean: No. It's gonna be yours! (incredulous)
Maddox: (laughing) Sean, you can sit on his lap and blow smoke in his mouth the whole afternoon.
Sean. Mmm. That honestly…that…
Dick: That's making me thirsty for Johnny Walker.
Sean: That description makes me miss drinking so much.
Maddox: Oh, barf. And a cigar? Cigars smell like dog poop.
Dick: WHAT the FUCK?! (yelling, shocked)
Sean: Some of the Scotches are smoky in a good way. Like smoking a cigar versus smelling a cigar. Because I agree with you, the…anyway.
Maddox: You guys are grossing me out so hard.
(dying boner sound effect)
Maddox: Hey, so, Dick. To finish my point…may I? To play Devil's advocate, I did read one drawback to the system. Well, a couple. One is that there is a lot of vibration…
Dick: Pretty big problem.
Maddox: Is it?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Just get over it! It vibrates. Your car vibrates. So what?
Dick: So hard that it, like, goes through time or goes through the road?
Maddox: Yeah……(skeptical)
Dick: How hard does it vibrate?
Sean: It'll shake apart your car. All that stuff loosens up!
Dick: Yeah. It destroys your car so that a gigantic class action lawsuit gets filed against Michelin. That's a big problem.
Maddox: Well, and the other problem, supposedly, is that it makes a lot of noise. So, but that was in the first generation! They've since solved these problems. And we still don't see these wheels on the road.
Dick: I don't know. They do look cool.
Maddox: Yeah. They look cool as shit. And you're driving on a PURE bed of science! A cushion of science!
Dick: I feel like I'm doing that right now.
Maddox: What, with your Persian racing rims?
Dick: With my run flats. Ugh, dammit. Man, you got me again. (muttering) Alright, my turn?
Maddox: Yep.
Dick: The…I actually, uh…I think this is a good one. I dunno how you're gonna feel about this one, though.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: "The Washington Redskins Controversy".
Maddox: Which is what?
Dick: It's football season. As you know.
Maddox: What is football? (laughs)
Dick: Football, as you call it, is a game where millionaires throw a ball around.
Maddox: Yeah. Millionaires throw a ball around. You're watching a bunch of sweaty millionaires throw a ball around! (taunting) Wow, let's give millionaires more attention. So anyway, let's hear this football problem you have!
Dick: So, the Washington Redskins found themselves in a bit of a predicament with their little racist name that they've got there.
Maddox: Mhmm.
Dick: Some representatives from some tribes got together, sued them, because it's offensive, because the term "redskins" is offensive to them…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And, ever since this started, it's been, like, every year, that's all I hear about. Every year, it's like there's this undercurrent of "Oh, Redskins is offensive, gotta change it! Redskins is offensive, gotta change it!" Uhh, they got their trademark revoked. (shocked) The team got their trademark revoked by the FCC. They appealed it and they said "Absolutely not."
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Yeah. A bunch of senators came out and called them all scumbags. Lemme find the quote.
Maddox: The people…he called the Washington Redskins scumbags?
Dick: He called specifically Snyder, the guy who owns them, he called him, basically a scumbag for not changing the name. Lemme find the…so all these white senators…white, old-ass senators are very, you know, offended by the term "redskins".
Maddox: Why does their race come into it? What does that have to do with anything? The race of the senators?
Dick: Because I don't think they…if anybody has a right to be offended by it, whether they are or not, it's Native Americans. Right?!
Maddox: Yeah. Sure.
Dick: A bunch of asshole senators, I don't think have a say in this.
Sean: It seems opportunistic.
Dick: It's very opport…and, by the way, it was just a…it was 50 Democrats who signed this thing saying you should change it. Didn't invite any Republicans to sign it. It's like (sigh) okay…
Maddox: 'Cause Republicans aren't for it! Republicans don't give a shit!
Dick: Either way. It seems very opportunistic.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Yeah, that's…that's my problem. Are you familiar with the controversy?
Maddox: I am. Yeah. I was just goading you on…
Dick: I don't wanna go through the whole thing, you know…
Maddox: (interjects) No, I want you to…
Dick: …steamroll over it.
Maddox: You're definitely going to get steamrolled over. But…(laughs) this is for the benefit of the listener who is not up to speed. Especially our international listeners.
Dick: So now there's a huge clusterfuck.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Like, do they change the name? A lot of people love it. Obviously. Uh…a lot of Native Americans love the name. Like, it's part of…it's a bunch of other school mascots, too. Like, a bunch of high schools, a bunch of teams. They wear it with pride. The reason it's a problem to me is because I see it as politically correct bullying. (Maddox scoffs) I think the people who are behind this, including all these politician assholes who have then come forward to support them, I think it's a form of bullying. They're taking people who had no racist intentions and they're bullying them into feeling guilty, by swaying the people who are just kinda like "I mean, I don't know, should I feel uncomfortable about this? I don't really have a dog in this fight, so I don't know what to say." And most people will err on the side of being sympathetic to people who are offended.
Maddox: Dick, do you even realize that, first of all, intent has nothing to do with whether or not you're racist? You can be unintentionally racist.
Dick: Of course you CAN.
Maddox: And they ARE.
Dick: You think they are.
Maddox: Okay Dick, what if…what if they wanted to honor, say, the heritage of slavery in our country and they created a team called "The Washington Brownskins" or the "The Washington Blackskins". Would you be okay with that?
Dick: Making it ridiculous…
Maddox: (interjects) Why is that ridiculous? How is that any different?
Dick: Because that would never happen. That isn't the problem. The problem is not that. Like, immediately equating it slavery is cherry picking this issue, I think. Because I don't think they…I don't think everyone's offended by this. I think a small bunch of people are offended by this and they're making everybody feel like shit because of it. Just like the Parent Television Council that you brought in a couple of weeks ago. I don't think this is, like, a universal opinion among Native Americans that they're offended by this term.
Maddox: No, it can't be universal. I'm sure…so, I argued with a friend of mine recently about this very controversy and he said that this isn't…this is something that politicians use to drum up…whatever!
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: I don't know what their aim is…what their angle is, although, to be a total cynic, and again, to argue both sides (laugh), you know, to argue your point a little bit, Obama actually recently used this as a platform and tried to earmark, I think 70 million dollars fro tribal lands something or other along those lines…and I'm not sure what exactly the angle is, because, look, Native Americans aren't a huge population…
Dick: Which angle?
Maddox: The politicians' angle. Like, why would they be championing this cause if they didn't studiously believe on SOME level, sincerely believe that this was…
Dick: Politicians?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: They - I don't think they believe anything. I think everything they say is drawn from focus groups. The politicians that are coming out against this are saying it because they think their constituency also either is against it or can be swayed in that way.
Maddox: Right, but why would they care about whether or not their constituency was for or against it? 'Cause most…
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause they look like heroes!
Maddox: Well…(stammers) yeah, I guess, but most people aren't Native American. Native American is a small population in the United States.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So…so, but…
Dick: (interjects) But everybody has an opinion about this.
Maddox: To champion…I guess. Some people don't care, because at the end of the day it's a bullshit ass organization…
Dick: (interjects) What is?
Maddox: That gets government subsidies. The NFL.
Dick: The NFL?
Maddox: They get government subsidies to create bullshit and it makes cable cost more 'cause of ESPN.
Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. (smiling)
Maddox: Yeah. These idiots.
Dick: I remember your opinion on the NFL now. (grinning)
Maddox: Uh-huh. So what about the Chinese? The Chinese who came over to work on the railroads?
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: Many of them weren't slaves. They just came over to work on the railroads. So, what if…Utah. So, for example, Utah is where the Pacific Railway met, what…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, yeah. The Golden Spike.
Maddox: Yeah. The Golden Spike. A lot of Chinese people stayed in Utah because they were working on the railroads.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: What if Utah came out and said "You know what? We want to create the UTAH YELLOWSKINS!"
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: "To honor our heritage of Chinese rail workers!"
Dick: Are you being Devil's advocate now?
Maddox: No, I'm just being..
Dick: This is an actual question?
Maddox: This is an exact analogy, yeah.
Dick: It's…that's not happening. Okay? That's what I would like everyone who takes these insane examples of, like, the crazy racist names we COULD give teams!! (angry) That's not what we're doing. We're taking something that no one had a problem with. A couple of people did, and they started hammering their agenda down everyone's throat.
Maddox: You know, Dick…
Dick: (interjects) What about, like, Speedy Gonzalez? That guy's…that guy's a Mexican stereotype.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: Not offensive! So what, if a couple of guys come out and say, "Well, you know what? We're Mexican. We're Latinos. We're very fucking offended by that." What are you going to do about it? Like…when, when, when does that STOP?! Do we lose that guy? Do we lose Speedy Gonzalez because a couple of people are pissed off about it?! (yelling)
Maddox: No, Speedy Gonzalez is different, 'cause he's not…he's…there are certain aspects of him that are stereotypically Mexican, but that's on you. If you're saying that's a Mexican stereotype, then you're projecting…
Dick: (interjects) (yelling) "Andale, andale, arriba!!" !?! That isn't…(cracks up) (background laughter)
Maddox: SOME Mexicans say that…I've heard Mexicans say shit like that.
Dick: OF COURSE they do!!!
Maddox: Yeah. So that could be one example of 'a' Mexican. So he's a Mexican mouse who says shit like that. That's not a problem.
Dick: What about Slowpoke Rodriguez, his cousin, who's the slowest mouse in all Mexico.
Maddox: Great.
Dick: That's a very offensive Mexican stereotype…
Maddox: (interjects) Right. Well…
Dick: (interjects) But you know what? Fuck it! 'Cause it's funny and it's not meant in harm!
Maddox: Dick! Also, it's one Mexican mouse! He's not saying all Mexican mice are slow and lazy! (laughs) He's saying one is.
Dick: This isn't even a Native American! It's a fucking football team! (yelling)
Maddox: Dick, a lot of our presidents in the past, including Teddy Roosevelt, who is one of the most badass presidents, has said some incredibly racist shit. Like, I believe…
Dick: (interjects) Sure.
Maddox: ,..I'm paraphrasing here, but he said…Teddy Roosevelt said, at one point, that nine out of ten Indians are better off dead. Or something along those lines. Right? We don't lionize Teddy Roosevelt because of his racist bullshit.
Dick: No.
Maddox: We lionize him in SPITE of his flaws. And so, as a nation, shouldn't we look forward and say, "Hey, we're a great nation. We still have a little bit of this shit we need to clean up." Let's just change the Redskins…(trails off as Dick interrupts)
Dick: (interjects) So you think this is shit we need to clean up, then.
Maddox: You don't think that this is in any way possibly offensive towards Native Americans?
Dick: I think it's obviously offensive towards some of them.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: Yeah. That's it. That's where…that's what I see. Obviously offensive and obviously a huge source of pride for some of them. I don't think it's the same as other races. Like the way that…people are like "No, it's very…you just don't understand. Imagine if you had "The Washington Brownskins" or "Washington Blackskins". See? It's obvious now." It's not obvious! Because this is not, like a racial slur. I've never heard this. In a whole lifetime, I've never heard this being used as, like, a specific racial slur.
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Let's go through a simple…you've never heard people use a racial slur as redskins for Native Americans?
Dick: Not really. Not as, like, a given racial slur.
Maddox: I have. I have. My friend married a Native American. His wife is Native American. And his dad was kind of like…he was okay with it, kind of, but he's also old school racist, so he kind of made some snide comments about redskins. He also said, this is an actual quote. He said, "Oh yeah, my son's marrying a wagon burner." (laughs) I'm like, what?!?!
Dick: Okay, that is obviously a racist slur!
Maddox: Oh, and redskin is not?! Is their skin red?
Dick: It's not! I don't know. No! I mead, kind of. Isn't it?
Maddox: Isn't everyone's if they get sunburned? Are you a redskin? Right now…you look pissed off right now.
Dick: I'm a little browner than white people, 'cause I'm half Mexican.
Maddox: Look. You would never call a Native American a redskin. Period.
Dick: Of course not!
Maddox: But yet somehow, the Washington…they're trying to say that this is representative of their Native American heritage, and they do it in a way…and by the way, the mascot is this grinning, toothy, stereotypical…he almost looks like a blackface…
Dick: No, that's the Cleveland Indians.
Maddox: Oh, okay. That's…
Dick: Ho! So, is that wrong?! (snide) Is that cool guy!? Is he a problem, too? The Cleveland Indians mascot?
Maddox: Some people would say, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. So where do we draw the line, dude? That's why it's bullying to me. It's a couple of people who have a problem. They want to gin up some money for their precious fucking cause, so they're making us feel like shit. I've NEVER thought that was bad!
Maddox: The poooor racists! Getting bullied by…
Dick: (interjects) Do you really think that everyone who likes…
Maddox: (interjects) I don't think they're racist, and I don't think that…okay, look, to be honest, I don't think that people who are defending the Washington Redskins are racist. I don't think that's their intent.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: And I don't think that it's a minority of Native Americans who are offended that are just "too PC". They've been trying to get this changed for years and years!
Dick: Yeah, but how…what's the number, then? I mean, I guess that's what I really want to come down to.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: What is the percentage of people who are offended by it that we then say "Alright, that's it. We can't do it anymore." 'Cause that's what we're…if it's 100%, obviously you gotta stop doing it.
Maddox: Right. Right, right.
Dick: If it's 0%...if it's 1%...fuck you.
Maddox: I think it's probably a majority. That's my gut feeling.
Dick: (interjects) So is that the…
Maddox: Based on absolutely nothing.
Dick: Is that the number then? Is it 51% people who are offended by it? Then we stop doing it?
Maddox: Well, I mean…possibly, yeah! If a majority of people are offended by it…and it's not just that they're offended, it doesn't even have to be…I mean, I don't know, man, it's one of those things where you're literally just characterizing a type of people by their skin color and creating just a stereotypical…what is their mascot, by the way? The Redskins.
Dick: Isn't it like, a tough-looking, warrior guy?
Maddox: I'll pull up the Redskins logo. Yeah.
Dick: Alright. What does it look like?
Maddox: Uh…I'm imagining it's probably just a fenced-off little reservation and an American National Guard guy with a rifle. Okay, here it is. It is a Native American warrior, it looks like. He's got kind of…he's kind of looking, almost like a coin, you know? Like a wooden Indian coin.
Dick: Yeah. That's the one I thought it was. It's like a majestic warrior!
Maddox: Yeah, it looks pretty cool.
Dick: Like, full of pride, and vigor, and manliness. Look at that chin!
Maddox: It…it does look pretty cool.
Dick: Beautiful man.
Maddox: But also, in one of the logos I just pulled up, he literally has a red face. So, then…
Dick: I mean, I don't know why that's offensive.
Maddox: Because it's…you know where that stereotype comes from? I believe that slur comes from Native Americans stereotypically not being able to hold their alcohol…
Dick: See, you say "slur"…oh, really? (intrigued)
Maddox: Yes.
Dick: I don't think so, man. Because I've got a quote from Sitting Bull referring to…starting right away…"I am a red man. If the Great Spirit had desired me to be a white man, he would have made me so in the first place." It doesn't sound like he thinks it's a slur. It sounds like he just thinks it's kinda the tint of his skin.
Maddox: Really?
Dick: No big deal.
Maddox: When was Sitting Bull alive? Where did you get that quote from?
Dick: Wikipedia. So suck on that. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: So, Sitting…
Dick: (interjects) From a reliable source.
Maddox: So, Sitting Bull, based on his 1890's, maybe, 1920s…
Dick: I'm just saying, it doesn't sound like it originated as a slur! He's saying very specifically, "I am a red man."
Maddox: But that…in that time and era, don't you think that it's possible that they could have used slurs based on the culture at that time?
Dick: I'm saying…not…
Maddox: To describe themselves?
Dick: No!!! (yells) He wouldn't have started out this quote with degrading himself for being an alcoholic!
Maddox: (interjects) Do you think…okay.
Dick: (interjects) He's just referring to his skin color!
Maddox: Well, okay. Then, do you think that at that time, before, say, Native Americans encountered white colonists…colonialists in America…in the North Americas…do you think that they referred to themselves as redskins?
Dick: No. They would have no reason to distinguish themselves from people who were not the same color as them. They probably had lighter-darker.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: If they needed it.
Maddox: So, where do you think…do you think that this phrase originated with Native Americans or with white people?
Dick: Probably on both sides. I think both sides probably said, like, "Uhhh, how are you gonna describe those guys?" "I dunno, they're a little darker than us. They're a little bit redder." "How do you describe those guys?" "Uh, they look white." Even though white people don't look fucking white, they look pale. But it's kind of close.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's a good description.
Maddox: How about…how about just Native Americans?
Dick: What…you mean, when European colonists encountered…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause it's longer to say.
Maddox: (sighs) I dunno, man. What's the cost benefit analysis here?
Dick: Of what, changing the name? (incredulous)
Maddox: Changing the name! What do you lose by changing the name? (excited)
Dick: Dude…that's exactly the problem. So…nothing. You know what? Change your name. People…some people wear it with pride. A lot of people love it, but change it 'cause it offends people? Alright. I guess so.
Maddox: Uhh…look, Dick. I've been arguing with you for the last 10, 12 minutes, whatever. I honestly don't give a shit. It's the NFL. The whole organization is a waste of time. (Dick chuckles) Throw it away. Throw the whole thing away. Cancel ESPN. Let cable be cheaper. Everything would be better without football. So there you go. That's my rebuttal.
Dick: Yeah. Hey, by the way? "Oklahoma" is a Choctaw word for "Red people"
Maddox: Oh?
Dick: So I guess we should change that too, eventually. Right?
Maddox: I guess, Dick.
Dick: Oklahoma?
Maddox: If enough people bitch about it. Or! Or! Maybe just not give a shit that much about sports, 'cause who cares?
Dick: Alright, what's your problem? (Maddox laughs) What's your problem? That's my…it's…you know, it's my problem. You got it.
Maddox: Yeah. My next problem is "AIDS". (laughs)
Dick: Speaking of red!!!
Maddox: (laughing) What does that mean, speaking of red?!
Dick: Red ribbons!
Maddox: Ohh yeah! That's right. Red ribbons are the AIDS Foundation.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I forgot, 'cause ribbons have been SO reappropriated by so many different organizations, yellow ribbons, pink ribbons…right?
Sean: When I was a kid, red ribbons meant like…anti-drugs, I think.
Dick: No, no.
Sean: Because AIDS wasn't such a big thing, though. In the 80s, I mean, yeah, people got AIDS, but it was…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, it was DARE, right? Wasn't that part of the DARE problem?
Sean: It was DARE! Yeah! It was, like, Nancy Reagan and shit. The whole war on drugs.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Sean: It was red ribbons! At elementary school.
Dick: I didn't know that.
Sean: I remember that.
Maddox: Yeah. Now we got yellow ribbons to support the troops. You've got the puzzle ribbon to support autism. You've got pink ribbon to support breast cancer. Too many ribbons!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You got green ribbons now, which is some kind of mental disorder awareness. So there's a lot of ribbons. Anyway. So, you got AIDS. AIDS is a big problem.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Right?
Dick: Well, I think herpes is a bigger problem, if we're gonna go down the STD track.
Maddox: How many people die each year from herpes?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: I'm saying close…I'm guessing under a couple hundred.
Dick: So what's…
Maddox: (interjects) Is herpes even lethal? I'm not even sure. (mutters) So, AIDS, first of all, 1 in 6 people are living with HIV.
Dick: Wait, wait, what?
Maddox: Yeah. Globally.
Dick: Globally 1 in 6? (chuckles, incredulous)
Maddox: 1 in 6.
Dick: Oh man. Is this gonna be another female genital, like, mutilation, where I hear a bunch of numbers that seem outrageous and are actually true? (chuckles)
Maddox: Yes. So, yeah. It is one of those problems where you're gonna have uhh…
Dick: Terrifying stats.
Maddox: Terrifying stats. Another female genital mutilation. (chuckles)
Dick: Greaaat.
Maddox: So since, I believe 1981, when they first started the first cases of AIDS being reported…36 million people have died since then.
Dick: Because of AIDS.
Maddox: Because of AIDS. Yeah.
Dick: That's a lot.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: I don't think anyone's died because of the Washington Redskins thing.
Maddox: (laughs) That's true. Although, many of their fans may……(cracks up, trails off) So, 1.6 million died of AIDS in 2012. 1.6 million.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Dead. That's enough people to fill this room. (laughs) According to the WHO. The World Health Organization, in 2012.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: An estimated 2.3 million individuals were newly infected with HIV.
Dick: That's a lot. Wait, in a year? With HIV?
Maddox: A year. Yeah.
Dick: Ehh, that doesn't seem like a lot.
Maddox: (laughing) 2.3 million is a decent amount, dude.
Dick: The 1 in…the 1 in 6 stat is going to be your money shot.
Maddox: That's my money shot?
Dick: That's a LOT of people.
Sean: Wait. That's right, though? There could possibly be…1 in 6? There's 7 billion people…
Dick: A billion people?
Sean: A billion people have AIDS?
Maddox: You know, that does seem pretty high now that…no, no. HIV. Not AIDS.
Sean: HIV. Yeah. So it hasn't developed.
Dick: That still seems pretty FUCKING high.
Sean: Yeah, that's amazing.
Maddox: Yeah, well.
Sean: I mean, I don't know, but…
Maddox: I don't know what to say. I don't know what to say. So, wear a condom.
Dick: Well, wait a minute. What is it in LA? That's the stat…
Maddox: I'm sure LA is throwing the Bell curve way off on this one. (smirks) So, this is from AIDS.gov, by the way. Which, I didn't know there was a .gov for AIDS. AIDS.gov?
Dick: I'm sure no one did. (scoffs)
Maddox: Why is there an AIDS.gov? That's kind of weird. Anyway, so that's where those stats are from.
Dick: That's a good piece of evidence that this is a big problem, though. That there's a .gov for it.
Maddox: Yeah. It is a pretty big problem. Although…
Dick: (interjects) There's not a flattires.gov.
Maddox: No, there…(laughing) (background laughter)…there isn't. And there isn't a Redskinds.gov, either.
Dick: Ohhh.
Maddox: No. So, why…you kind of see AIDS as kind of diminished in the headlines. You don't see AIDS as big of a deal anymore.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: It seems like one of those things where people get it, it's like "Oh, alright. That's kind of a bummer, but…" they're not talking about it as much as they used to.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: It's still killing…you know how many people died from SARS? Or like..what was it, bird flu?
Dick: Bird flu? Yeah.
Maddox: Like, less than 10,000, less than 5,000 maybe.
Dick: I'm surprised it's that high.
Maddox: Yeah! More people die from just influenza. 33, 000 people per year die from influenza.
Dick: Well, there was that Dallas Buyers Club movie. That was kind of a…like, an AIDS awareness thing, also.
Maddox: I never saw it.
Dick: It was all about AIDS. It was pretty interesting, dude.
Sean: The media only covers, like, the hot new diseases.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Sean: You know, like, AIDS is 30 years old now, at least, so it doesn't get the day-to-day coverage in the headlines.
Maddox: AIDS is a real mature killer, right?
Dick: Yeah. You gotta see that movie. You'd like…I dunno. Do you like movies like that?
Maddox: The Dallas Buyers Club?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: I dunno man, it's just…I find it hard…
Dick: (interjects) Like a little bit historical, a little bit of drama. Do you like that kind of thing?
Maddox: Sure. Sure. I liked American History X. That was cool.
Dick: Yeah. You might like this, then.
Maddox: Yeah. American History X, I recently…if you haven't seen it, you should definitely go watch that movie. It's really good. Um, it's about racism, too. So you'd dig it, Dick. I'm sure everybody in that movie is a big Redskins fan.
Dick: See? You can't say one fucking thing! (Maddox laughs) All of a sudden, you're a racist! I'm just…
Maddox: No. I don't think that people are racist. I think they're clinging on to some bullshit tradition because they just don't want their precious team name changed, and also because all the fans have the merchandise already! They don't wanna feel like assholes 'cause they have all this shit.
Dick: I mean, you know what's gonna change it? Is when that merchandise stops selling.
Maddox: It won't.
Dick: Then they'll change the name immediately.
Maddox: You know, I feel like it's the same…it's the same people…it's the same kind of mentality of people who are afraid Obama is gonna come after their guns, so they go out and just start hoarding guns. So they're probably gonna do the same thing with Redskins merchandise if there's ANY hope of that name changing? So…the NFL's gonna make money hand over fist. HOW did you hijack my fucking problem?! (yelling) We're talking about AIDS!! (Dick cackles maniacally) It's bullshit!
Dick: What is your problem with AIDS?
Maddox: (laughing) Dick! What is your problem with AIDS? Great quote!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Other than it kills millions of people.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Other than that? Other than it costs so much money…you know, uhh…
Dick: How much does it cost? Do you know?
Maddox: No idea. No. I don't have those stats handy, but it…I mean, it costs a lot of money in medical care. People who died from AIDS usually don't die directly from the virus, but rather something else they contract because of it. Because it's an immunovirus. It attacks your immune system and makes you more susceptible to other diseases.
Dick: Sure.
Maddox: But do you know…here's something kind of interesting. So, where do you think AIDS came from?
Dick: Umm…I think the government made it to kill gay people.
Maddox: Ohhhh. (laughing) Well, well, well, Dick.
Dick: Isn't that…I thought that was proven.
Maddox: A conspiracy dipshit. Actually, when I was…
Dick: (interjects) No, I don't think that. Obviously.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. Well, it's interesting that you mention that, because there's a lot of different origin theories for AIDS and there's nothing that people are completely settled on. So, here are some of the theories. This one's called "The Hunter Theory". So, the most…have you heard of this? The Hunter Theory?
Dick: No.
Maddox: It's the most commonly accepted theory is that of the "Hunter". In this scenario, Simian Immunodeficiency Virus was transferred to humans as a result of chimps being killed or eaten or their blood getting into cuts or wounds on the hunter.
Dick: That seems pretty reasonable.
Maddox: Seems kind of plausible, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Oh, by the way, this is all according to this website, avert.org, and there's also this theory, it's called the "Oral Polio Vaccine Theory". It essentially means, you know, during the polio vaccination campaign, some infected needles may have gotten people. But that doesn't really explain the origin of it.
Dick: No.
Maddox: They think that maybe it could have been infected in the lab. There's also the "Contaminated Needle Theory", very similar, because of disposable plastic syringes that someone may have picked one up from somebody who was infected.
Dick: From a monkey?
Maddox: I guess. (laughs)
Dick: Like, the monkey was shooting up, and then somebody grabbed it?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, monkeys own COPYRIGHTS NOW!!!! Huh?!
Dick: It's bullshit.
Maddox: And then there is the "Colonialism Theory". That Simian Immunovirus could easily have infiltrated the labor force and taken advantage of their weakened immune systems because of colonialism. They're enslaving people, essentially, and making them work in such…
Dick: Mmmm.
Maddox: …drastic conditions that their immune system has been lowered and that they contracted AIDS. THEN there's the Conspiracy Theory, Dick, your first go-to.
Dick: I love these conspiracy theories. They're so much fun.
Maddox: Yeah. This one is fun. Listen to this one. "Some people believe that HIV is a conspiracy or that it is manmade. A recent survey carried out in the US, for example, identified a significant number of African-Americans who believe that HIV was manufactured as part a biological warfare program designed to wipe out large numbers of black and homosexual people.
Dick: See? That's what I was sayin'.
Maddox: You were…(cracks up)…you weren't saying that.
Dick: Can you just, like…can you just imagine how…how competent those people imagine the government to be?
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Like, that would be so comforting to be able to lie in my bed and think that the government could manufacture and distribute AIDS in secret.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, it's just so comforting to know that these people are so powerful and competent out there that can do these things.
Maddox: They can do anything.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: They're basically like "ubermensch". Or they have the ability to orchestrate the largest conspiracy in the universe in front of millions of cameras and witnesses, and PULL IT OFF flawlessly!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And then have some armchair dipshit in his chair at home…
Dick: He figured it out.
Maddox: Yeah, he figured it out just by Goggling documents. Nice one, idiots.
Sean: While hiding the cure for cancer and flying planes into the World Trade Center.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And not letting clean energy vehicles…
Sean: (interjects) And making every…and making every sporting event series go seven games for the network ratings.
Dick: I would never feel that safe than I would feel if I was able to believe all these conspiracy theories.
Maddox: Sure. And of course, their intent's ALWAAAAAAAYS nefarious. Nobody…none of these scientists are ever working for any good cure or disease or anything. (chuckles)
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They're always…you know, the government wants…they have, like a supervillain complex. They have a supervillain fetish. That's what they are. They're fetishizing supervillains.
Dick: Meanwhile, like, all the rich people got rich by like, making things that helped people. You know, basically. Like, you might disagree. You might think Windows is a pile of shit…
Maddox: (interjects) It is.
Dick: But, like…yeah! But Bill Gates made it so people could get more work done.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, he did it to help people be productive.
Maddox: And help him make himself rich.
Dick: Yeah, yeah yeah! (excited) But you hear what I'm saying…
Maddox: (interjects) No, I see what you're saying.
Dick: Like, people get rich by trying to help.
Maddox: Yeah, they're…
Dick: (interjects) Not by, like, these weird convoluted schemes.
Maddox: Yeah. They're serving a demand. They're creating a product that serves a demand. There's a demand for that product, so it exists.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So, this is from…again, from avert.org. It says in February…this is the actual consensus about where AIDS came from. In February 1999…well, the closest thing to a consensus. "In February 1999, a group of researchers from the University of Alabama announced that they had found a type of SIV.." so that's, uhh..Simian Immunovirus..
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: "…that was almost identical to HIV1. This particular strain was identified in a frozen sample taken from a captive member of the subgroup of chimpanzees known as pan troglodytes." Did you know that was a subgroup of chimpanzees?
Dick: No.
Maddox: Pan troglodytes. (Dick laughs) You know what? I still don't understand why you guys defend monkeys so much!
Dick: I knew it. I knew this was…
(monkey sound effect)
Maddox: Go vote up monkeys!
Dick: I knew this was a back door problem for monkeys. I fucking knew it. 'Cause you obviously don't know shit about AIDS!
Maddox: Yeah…(laughing)
Dick: This is just a back door problem for you! You ONLY know AIDS facts that have to do with monkeys.
Maddox: Yeah. Well…they're…that's the reason that it's around, apparently. Because they were…okay, so these monkeys, these pan troglodytes…
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: …were once common in West Africa. They claimed…
Dick: (interjects) Go vote on monkeys, everybody!!
Maddox: Yeah. Vote on monkeys! Vote monkeys! I keep telling you guys! "They claimed that the sample proved that chimpanzees were the source of HIV1 and that the virus had at some point crossed species from chimps to humans. Their final findings were published two years later in Nature magazine."
Dick: So monkeys caused AIDS.
Maddox: Monkeys caused AIDS. Now they're taking our copyrights!! Which, by the way, Dick, several people have pointed out that monkeys owning copyrights…the monkey won. In court. You happy?!
Dick: Oh yeah. No, I'm not happy!!! That was my problem!!!!! (yelling)
Maddox: I'm talking to the idiots who voted down monkeys. Go to the website and vote up monkeys. Biggest Problem in the Universe. (Dick cracks up laughing) Bigger than AIDS! Bigger than everything!!
Dick: I mean, I love about the monkey copyright, we already covered it in another episode, but like, so now this poor photographer finally got screwed out of his big moneymaking picture.
Maddox: Yeah. Yep.
Dick: His 15 minutes of fame. He's not gonna get a dime for. What he learned in that is…"Don't make art." Like, he's not getting paid for it. He's not getting rewarded for it. He will not be able to do that with more money. Go make…produce more art. The world has less art in it because of this. (scoffs)
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's the moral of the story!
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: The whole point of copyrights is to encourage people who hold them to keep making art! So you can make money off of your art. And they've fucked them out of it. So we're all fucked out of this guy's future work!
Maddox: Yeah. It's people like YOU who voted down the "Monkeys" problem! You guys just don't see the threat here, do you? You don't see the threat!! (Dick laughing) You don't see monkeys coming after anything…you don't see monkeys…monkeys are spreading the most deadly virus to humans…I mean maybe not THE most, but it's up there, man!
Dick: It's up there. 1 out of 6. That's a lot.
Maddox: Yeah. 1 out of 6 apparently. I'm guessing like a lot of Africa has to be in that stat.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: In those stats. And then the two other most populous continents, are what, India, and…not continents, but, like countries. India and China…(laughing)
Dick: Oh man…(laughing like a cartoon character)
Maddox: The continent of India and China.
Dick: I was hoping you'd finish that.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Before spotting it.
Maddox: I caught myself, dude. So, yeah, monkeys.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Are the problem. And I, for one, am glad that some countries still view monkeys as a menace. As a problem.
Dick: Yeah. I'm fine with that. I don't like them.
Maddox: Have you seen Planet of the Apes?
Dick: Uhh, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. Think about that.
Dick: I have.
Maddox: Think about that on your drive home. Think about what monkeys could do if they actually became intelligent.
Dick: Hey, uhhh…
Maddox: These troglodytes.
Dick: Speaking of AIDS. Have I ever told you about…did I ever tell you about the time I got an STD test at the…(Maddox shudders) like, the AIDS Center?
Maddox: No.
Dick: 'Cause it was free.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Yeah. So I go in there, and it's like, the Gay and Lesbian Center.
Maddox: Mhmm.
Dick: So this girl wouldn't have sex with me without a condom unless I showed her proof of an STD test.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: Reasonable.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: So I did it.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: So I go in there…and this guy, he's like a way over-the-top gay guy. Jose. He's like going over the test parts with me.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: And I see this, like, chart of the ways to have sex and how…how likely they are to communicate disease? It's like a terrorist threat…
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: Like, it's color-coded.
Maddox: Sure.
Dick: So, like, the less dangerous ways to contract sexual disease were like, blue.
Maddox: Okay.
Dick: And the worst ones are like, purple. Right? (lowering voice) And I think vaginal was purple and like, anal, was like red. One I was confused on. So I was like "Hey, what's up with this? How come this is switched around? I thought it was the other way around, that anal was more dangerous for contracting AIDS than vaginal sex." And this gay guy's like "No, no no. You see? Because when a guy, like, cums in your butt…" and I was like "Okay, let me stop you right there…" (Maddox laughing) we went through the whole survey and it was like straight, male, and all this stuff. Like lemme stop you, first of all. Could you just use, like, some more medical terms, maybe?
Maddox: (laughing) When a guy cums in your butt. Immediately.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing) (Maddox cracks up) And he's like "Oh, yeah, yeah, okay." And I'm like, you know, maybe like some more hetero terms, maybe? Throw some in there?
Maddox: That could be a hetero term!
Dick: And he's like "Okay yeah, like when a girl cums in your butt…" (Maddox cracks up) (Sean and background laughter) (Dick laughing) Alright joker…get the fuck out of here. I don't care what these tests are anymore!!!
Maddox: Yeah. You could be with a real dominant squirter, dude. (Dick laughs) You don't know, she could be pegging you with her fucking…Chyna. You know what I'm talking about with Chyna, right? The wrestler? Yeah.
Dick: A DICK. That's what you're talking about! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeaaaaaaaah, basically.
Dick: Well buddy. You said we were gonna cover AIDS. "Ants" to "AIDS" is this show.
Maddox: "Ants" to "AIDS". We're covering all the problems.
Dick: I don't know if you made a compelling argument.
Maddox: I didn't make a compelling argument for AIDS being a problem!? (yelling) Are you seriously kidding me?!
Dick: I don't think you!!
Sean: No! You just pointed out that it was a problem, but…
Dick: Yeah!
Sean: I know we're not supposed to be offering solutions, but…
Dick: Well, why is in the biggest?
Maddox: Well, it's bigger than most things we have on the list, because it affects both men and women…not just…like "Female Genital Mutilation" should be number one right now, followed by AIDS. No, AIDS followed by "Female Genital Mutilation". Other way around.
Dick: Make up your mind!
Maddox: I just did!
Dick: What's worse?
Maddox: AIDS is worse.
Dick: I don't know! Why?! You gotta live with female genital mutilation!
Maddox: Yeah. And you gotta die with AIDS, so there's that. I mean, you don't have to, but…
Dick: I don't think you have to anymore. Can't they, like, whip up a cure for you, as long as you're like white and rich? Is that true? I think that's true, man.
Sean: Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Maddox: No, Magic Johnson is not white.
Dick: I dated this girl who knew way too much about AIDS and she told me that was true.
Sean: No, I listened to a very long interview with Magic Johnson and he was saying that there's so much misinformation about it out there that A, like a lot of people think the drugs are expensive. He said no. These have been out on the market for a long time. There's more than 30 drugs that make up a cocktail. The most important thing is to be vigilant about it and don't go off the cocktail because you're feeling good or you're feeling better. You stay on it…he said they're affordable to virtually everyone. He said…they brought up the South Park episode and stuff like that, and he thought it was funny, 'cause they just whipped up a bunch of money in a blender and stuff.
Dick: Hey. Problem solved.
Maddox: Great.
Dick: How about that?!
Sean: Well…it's…
Dick: (interjects) Not the biggest problem! Sounds like it's been cured!
Maddox: Hey, it's not been cured…
Sean: That wasn't my intention, but like…but no…but…
Maddox: (interjects) Thanks, Sean!!!
Sean: Ugh, fuck it. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Alright, let's wrap it up.
Maddox: Alright, so what are your problems?
Dick: Unless you've got more.
Maddox: Nooo, you know, you guys have already pissed me off too much. (Dick cracks up)
Dick: What?! What else do you have?!
Maddox: Nothing. Nothing. Go ahead.
Dick: It's a big problem!!
Maddox: Just vote…
Dick: I just don't know if it's the BIGGEST!
Maddox: Yeah. Just vote down monkeys and French fries, and dogs, and all the shit that you guys don't think is a problem…(Dick cracking up) Just vote up…the Washington Redskins controversy, 'cause apparently that's a huge fucking deal.
Dick: Uhh..'cause they're coming for you next.
Maddox: Yeah. And flat tires.
Dick: They're coming for whatever…can you imagine? Remember the Iron Sheik?
Maddox: Yeah. It's great.
Dick: Do you think we could get him in these political climates that we're in, in this climate of political correctness that we currently live?
Maddox: Oooh.
Dick: We couldn't have an Iron Sheik.
Maddox: Hell, I think we could get him in on the show. Have you seen his career lately?! (cracks up) You know, he's great actually. His Twitter is hilarious. He's out of his fucking mind.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So what were your problems?
Dick: My problems were "Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey".
Maddox: (interjects) Oh. Huge problem. (sarcastic)
Dick: "Fireball Cinnamon Whiskey-based Liqueur", excuse me.
Maddox: Mmhmm.
Dick: And the "Washington Redskins Controversy". Which I think is politically correct bullying.
Maddox: (sighs) Great. Poor racists being bullied.
Dick: I don't think they're racists!! (yelling)
Maddox: Ahhh, they're not racist.
Dick: You don't think they're racist either.
Maddox: No, I don't.
Dick: But I think like…I think a lot of people easily call them racists. And I don't think that's fair.
Maddox: Well, if you…it depends on…I feel like 100%...the overlap of racist people who also agree with this controversy, is like, 100%.
Dick: Yeah. Well…
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That's probably true.
Maddox: Yeah. Here's the rule of thumb. Look and see what position racist people hold on whatever controversial issue you're looking at or voting for, and you're probably in the wrong if racist people are in your camp!
Dick: I dunno. That seems like…that seems too easy.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: That seems like a slippery slope to me.
Maddox: Do you think racist people are for Planned Parenthood or against it?
Dick: Racist people?
Maddox: Yeah. What would you say?
Dick: Planned Parenthood is abortions, right?
Maddox: Yeeehhh. I mean, that's one thing that they cover, yes, like 10% of their funding goes towards abortions, sure.
Dick: Well, I'm…I'm just assuming that racists would be, like, very religious and they would be anti abortion.
Maddox: Yeah. Racists really follow in the footsteps of Jesus. Okay, so you got your cinnamon whiskey and…
Dick: "Washington Redskins Controversy".
Maddox: Washington Redskins. And I have "Flat Tires" and "AIDS". Two HUGE problems that you guys will vote down.
Dick: C'mon baby! C'mon baby! I need a win!
Maddox: Boo. Yeah. Well, vote for these on thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com. We'll bring in more comments. Leave us voicemail!
Dick: Thanks for listening.
Maddox: Thanks.
(closing riff)