Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 16

Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock

(Theme riff)

Maddox : Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe. I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.

Dick : Heyy! What's up, buddy? Happy to be here.

Maddox : Like always. So -

Dick : (interjects) Who...won? (apprehensive)

Maddox : So last episode, Militarized Police won.

Dick : Yeah, of course they did!

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Of course *I* did.

Maddox : Yeah. Dick, I gotta hand it to you, that was a real problem!

Dick : Yeah, I wish I could be happier that I won but just hearing about it again - making me - thinking about it again just pisses me off. It INSTANTLY pisses me off.

Maddox : Yeah…well you know, that, uh, that deserves to be up there. I don't know if it deserves to be number one. I still think, uh, Female Genital Mutilation probably deserves to be number one on that list.

Dick : Yeah, maybe so. know, I was thinking about it during the week too, and there's one thing that I wanted to bring up that I didn't bring up...

Maddox : Yup.

Dick : ...which is: I always see, in the big old gun debate - the big ol' gun debate of things, on the internet - is people saying, "Gun people are crazy, because you could never take on the military with guns…"

Maddox : Right. You can't.

Dick : You can't. Of course not, you can't. But the reason ‑ you COULD have taken on the police.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : And that's what it's for, to me. That's what it's always been for. It's never been about the military. But now that the police have military, goodbye liberty!

Maddox : You know, I forgot to mention in the last episode, uh, all these weekend warriors with militarized equipment? They're just like in, uh, Rambo: First Blood when they were trying to hunt Rambo, and they gave all these weekend warriors bazookas and they went up on the hill...they don't know what they fuck they're doing!

Dick : No!

Maddox : They're just, they're...they're doing their part-time little gig. They go home to their families and they wipe their kid's ass.

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : These aren't hardened warriors; they don't know this equipment. They don't know what the hell they're doing. They don't go through all the same psychological evaluation...anyway, big problem. Kudos.

Dick : Thank you! And thank you for voting.

Maddox : So let's, uh, let's move on, we got some comments.

Dick : Yeah! Yeah yeah yeah, I got, uh - actually - usually, you know, we read comments from the site. But uh, today I have an *audio* comment that someone left on our voicemail.

Maddox : Ooo, audio comment!

Dick : Yeah yeah, we have a voicemail, wanna know what it is, you can go find out. But here is the voicemail from The Biggest Problem in the Universe.

Unnamed Voicemail Caller : "Um, hey Maddox. I dunno, I just saw your 'Who' page, and it just occurred to me - if you hate taking phone calls, and you think voicemail sucks, why the *fuck* do you have a voicemail on it?" (Maddox and Dick crack up) (voicemail continues) "Just, it doesn't make any kind of sense. Umm...yeah, that's it."

Dick : 'That's it.' (amused)

Maddox : ...Okay!

Dick : Yeah. 'Why the FUCK do you have a voicemail?'

Maddox : Yeah, good question, good question. So let's, uh, let's do a little detective work, shall we? Huh? Let's piece this together. So, let's look at what we know for a fact: I hate voice...voicemail - number one worst form of communication is voicemail. Followed by phone calls, then email, then texts, then, uh, what else...oh, Facebook Messenger. Well, I would swap, actually, Facebook Messenger way up there. Anyway, so if I hate voicemail, then...I have voicemail on the website, then whooose idea was it? Who...? (Dick cackles) Who could it have been??

Dick : Oh, fuck you, it's funny!!

Maddox : Nyeeeahh. (sarcastic) Alright. Great.

Dick : You got comments?

Maddox : Yeah, I do have some comments. Actually, so - this is something we haven't actually done on the show before, but...we have all this uh, this archive of old episodes, where people sometimes go back and listen to older episodes and leave comments on them, and I'd like to read some comments that we've never read on the air before from some of our older episodes.

Dick : Cool.

Maddox : This one comes from...all the way back from Episode #3, and if you don't remember, the uh, problems on the episode were Other N-Words, Everyone Needs to Lose 20 Pounds, Monkeys, and Tesla. And so uh, this one comes from Scott Cornish. He says, "Catching up on the back episodes. I love how Dick complains about women he matches on Tinder being so far away, when he can just set the max miles away in the options on the app." Yeah Dick, why don't you do that?? If you're too lazy to go a couple miles to meet a date, why don't you just set your max options to - er - your max, uh, mile radius to like, 4 miles?

Dick : I dunno why I don't do that!

Maddox : Yeah!

Dick : Uhhh, I think I, gradually creeps up. I'm like, what's goin' on? 'What's goin' on over here, what's goin' on over here?'

Maddox : You know what it is? You start out with like, your bedroom, and find that there's no women there -

Dick : Yeah... (amused)

Maddox : - and then you expand it to your kitchen, expand it to the block, and then you just burn out the entire radius surrounding you until you - there's no women left in the entire West Coast.

Dick : No, man, I'm fuckin' done with Tinder. Somebody actually sent me an email about Tinder after we did that episode...

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : ...and they said, um...their friend gets girls the regular way, like it's great lookin' girls the regular way and on Tinder he only matches duds.

Maddox : Hm.

Dick : And I was like, "Dude, that's exactly what happens to me!" Like, I don't understand it. I'm not built for online....whatevers. Hookups. Like I need it to be real.

Maddox : Yeah. I have...I can relate to that in that I do, uh, meet a lot of really hot women in real life, AND really hot women on Tinder.

Dick : (smirks, mutters) Here we go... (Maddox laughs)

Maddox : Sean, you were gonna say something.

Dick : He was gonna say, "Maddox is about to say a bunch of bullshit." (Maddox and Sean chuckle)

Sean : No, I was gonna say, I think you were spot on with that analysis - that radius thing, Maddox...

Maddox : Oh, right? (amused)

Sean : ...because at one point, Dick, like, basically fucked us out of every bar in Hollywood. (Dick and Maddox burst out laughing)

Maddox : Yeah!

Sean : I was like, "Hey, we goin' - we goin' to this one?" and he was like, "Oh nonono, I can't go to that one." (Dick's laughter escalates) God DAMMIT, dude! Do you have to *fuck* us out of every bar in Hollywood?!

Maddox : That's what he does!! (Dick is giggling hysterically at this point) It's not just bars, he's fucked us out of the entire fucking INDUSTRY!

Dick : Alriiight, alriiight, alright, you guys. (Maddox laughs) Come on.

Maddox : Ohh, fuck. This one -

Dick : We've all made mistakes, guys. (all three still laughing)

Maddox : Ohh, boy! Yeah, your mistake is called 'being born' apparently. Jesus.

Dick : Uh, I got a...I got a comment. Well actually, it's a problem; my dad had a big problem with this show.

Maddox : Oh! Let's hear your dad's problem. (chuckles)

Dick : Yeah, he says, uh...he says, "Dick....uhh, you guys talk way too fast. On the show." (Maddox laughs) I'm like, "What?! What the hell are you talkin' about? We talk - I talk at the same speed on the show that I talk to you normally. Do you have a problem with me talking to you normally?"

Maddox : Ohhh, that's what that is! He's...he wants to -

Dick : (interjects) No! Nononono, he's like, "No!" He's like, "No, definitely something's going on. I'll tell you what's goin' on - Sean is speeding up the show." (Sean cracks up in the background)

Maddox : What?! (laughs)

Dick : I'm like, "Dad, I really doubt..." ...he's like, "Did you guys tell him to do that?" I'm like, "No." And he goes, "Well then he's doing it on his own." (laughing) I'm like, "I really doubt Sean's doing it on his own."

Maddox : (interjects) Yup, heeere we go.

Dick : "...if anybody's doing it on their own, it's Maddox, but I don't think - I don't think he's doing it, 'cause I listen to it off the website all the time!" I go to sleep listening to this show.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : You know? I'm like, "Wha...(splutters) know, do you have it on like, a fast mode or something? Are you listening on like, fast forward?" And he goes, "Dick, what am I, an idiot? Don't talk...don't talk to me like that. You are speeding up the shows." (Maddox laughs) Like, oh, okay, whatever Dad. Nice talkin' to you. So, I go out and have dinner with him and my mom mom's like, "You gotta look gotta look at what he's doin' over there. You gotta look at the phone." So I said, "Hand over the phone. Lemme hear, like, the..." 'Cause maybe it's like, you know, sometimes in the movies they speed it up like 4 percent so it'll fit on television...

Maddox : Right.

Dick : know? So I'm thinking like, "Maaaybe Sean did something like that?" 'Cause he's adamant about it and he's not - he's not wrong! Like he's... (searches for words) ...he's wrong to an amount that makes me believe everything he says.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : You know?

Maddox : just, with like, Diet Coke challenges and things like that.

Dick : (bristles suddenly) Why don't you go fuck yourself, you sonofabitch.

Maddox : (laughs loudly)

Dick : So, I'm like, "Uh, Dad, gimme your phone." So, I play it, and it sounds like we're chipmunks.

Maddox : OHH, my - (groaning)

Dick : Like, it's like, "Badadadadada..." [rapid-fire syllables] (Maddox laughs) Like, "Dude, this is OBVIOUSLY fast-forwarded!" Sure enough....what?

Sean : Sample rate conversion?

Dick : Sean, there's a gigantic button on the iPhone that says, 'play this at double speed,' it's like a giant "2x" -

Maddox : (interjects) Ohh, my gosh.

Dick : - that was highlighted like a fuckin' neon sign. I'm like, "Whatta you...whatta you think THAT means? There you go!" Hit it, we slowed down to normal speed. So I'm bringing it in...this isn't my problem this week but I'm bringing it in in case I sound like a chipmunk to anybody out there, look at your phone - it probably says "2x" right now - go ahead and press it.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Just press it and we'll slow right down to normal speed.

Maddox : It's a toggle. Just press it one...if you press it once and it's at chipmunk speed, press it again and it'll turn off.

Dick : See, you're throwin' out these words, "toggle?" That'll immediately...that immediately gets you tossed out.

Maddox : Ohhh, I lost your dad. Alright. Well, I got a comment. This one comes from Episode #2, way back when, and it's from Edwin...I think it's Eefting. Oh, and uh, for people who don't remember, the problems that week were Horoscopes, The Plastic Bag Ban, Long Emails, and Tinder.

Dick : ...Was it?

Maddox : No....Tinder, I thought Tinder was the last episode. Uh....oh, no, it was Tesla the last episode, but the guy did comment on Tinder. Anyway.

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : Because that was Episode #3, and that's why he was commenting on it.

Dick : Sure.

Maddox : So, anyway, he says, "I think charging money for plastic bags is a good thing; it forces people to use bags more than once which is good for the environment." Hey, EDWIN, guess what?? I already reused those plastic bags! They're already reusable! I lined my garbage bags with them.

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : I put them on my bike seat when it was rainy. I would do EVERYTHING with those bags! I would use them for...for just garbage around the house, I'd put flip-flops in 'em, I would use them all the time!

Dick : (interjects) I'd use 'em for condoms! (brief silence followed by Sean and Maddox bursting into laughter)

Maddox : (splutters, still laughing) Wha...what, you would -

Dick : AS a condom, I would use it AS a condom.

Maddox : Oh, you'd use it *as* a condom - there you go! There you go, Dick has elephantitis! So...these, these bags were already reusable. And then he says, "I usually reuse a bag a few times, and buy new ones after that. Or when I forget to take it to the store." Oh, well well well! So now you're wasting even more, 'cause those bags that you buy at stores are reinforced, they're heavy, they, they're...they have polymers, like, there are, uh, polycarbon blends in them, they have inks, alloys, molecules...(starts laughing)

Dick : (giggling) Yeah,, 'your primitive minds wouldn't understand!' (parodying Maddox) Yeah.

Maddox : So anyway, uh, Edwin, um...yeah, you missed the mark on that one. (buzzer sound effect) So -

Dick : (interjects) Edwin, reuse a bag by putting it over your head, and breathe into it. Right?

Maddox : Yeah, breathe really hard. Uh, suck it ALL the way down your throat, and don't let it come back up. So, and then one last comment I have, this is from Episode #6 and the problems for Episode #6 were: People Who Can't Eat Spicy Food, Non-Apologies, Condoms, and America Sucks at Soccer.

Dick : Yup.

Maddox : This one comes from Anthony Giuliano: he says, "I'm tons of fun, and I hate spicy food." (Maddox and Dick laugh) Thanks Anthony.

Dick : I don't...we don't know that that's true or not. True, maybe he's the exception to the rule.

Maddox : Oh no, no, any time someone says they're tons of fun, they probably are. (sarcastic) Like, when people tell me they're fun, I know I'm in for a good time.

Dick : Hey, so speaking of uh, speaking of old shit: who is...who is currently reigning as the all-time biggest problem in the universe?

Maddox : So, number one clocks in with Slacktivists, followed by Armchair Psychologists -

Dick : (interjects) Heeeeyy, that's me! Alright! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox : There you go...there you go.

Dick : Alllright!

Maddox : Aaaand -

Dick : Nippin' at ya' heels! (Maddox laughs)

Maddox : - and, Conspiracy Dipshits.

Dick : Aaaohh, fuck you!

Maddox : Which - can we include your dad under that? 'Cause he -

Dick : (interjects) No!!

Maddox : - he thought there was a conspiracy with Sean speeding up episodes? (Sean laughs in the background)

Dick : If you...if you call my dad a dipshit, he will kick your ass. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox : I know he will, your dad's cool as shit-look, he's not a dipshit. But he is a conspiracy theorist.

Dick : He did, he like, IMMEDIATELY threw you under the bus. I couldn't believe it!

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : I couldn't believe it. I wanted to get more out - it was just like, "Whatta you...why would Sean DO that?!"

Maddox : Yeah...

Sean : Just to fuck with him. (dryly)

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : Ohhh! Let's...let's send him a sp-

Dick : (laughs loudly)

Sean : (interjects) If it fucks with one person, it's worth it.

Maddox : Let's send him a special episode. Let's record one in like, triple -

Dick : (interjects) Well we can't, 'cause he listens to the podcast, so we just blew...unless, we'll have to intercept this one before he listens to it...I think we're too lazy to do that, though.

Maddox : Yeah. So uh, one little point of business - a couple episodes ago, we mentioned that we might, uh, we're considering either some kind of limited sponsorship or, uh, charging for a bonus episode, and actually the comments were split pretty evenly. Some people said they really wanted to pay for episodes - they didn't mind doing that but they didn't like ads - some people said, "Hey, we can't afford to pay for episodes, so uh, let's keep the episodes free..." and, and, you know, throw an ad in there. So I think we might actually end up doing, uh, both at some point. Some people want the bonus episodes, and some people want the episodes to stay as is. And, the bottom line is this: uh, my philosophy towards ads is, I don't want them to be too intrusive, I don't want them to be, uh, you know, too obnoxious and too many. And only -

Dick : And they won't affect the content. You always're big on that.

Maddox : No, they won't affect the content. That is my number one stipulation. Only companies that, uh, that support what we do and we actually believe in. So, uh, we may...we may actually look at doin' that in the near future, and that'll help actually pay for lots of things. And we may be able to take this show on the road!

Dick : Well, that's what I wanted to say, there is a lot that we could pay for around here that would really improve the show. Uh, whenever I think of like...whenever I think of the amount of entertainment products that do get funded, my first question is always, "Why the fuck don't you get that money?" [referring to Maddox]

Maddox : Right.

Dick : Like, what you could do with an entertainment budget is something I would actually wanna watch.

Maddox : Great. Thank you!

Dick : Or listen to.

Maddox : Well, there we have it. So uh, coming soon probably, we'll uh, we'll decide which to do. And I think the bonus episode would be a lot of fun, too. And those'll probably be, uh, ad-free, because we'll, you know - those'll be for a nominal fee, yeah.

Dick : Yeah, of course!! People are asking for video on those too, which I do think would be fun.

Maddox : Yeah! That would be fun. We'll have to figure out something with the lighting. But uh, okay -

Dick : Let's get to some problems!

Maddox : First problem this week.

Dick : Alright. My first problem this week is...coooooooold lasers!

Maddox : COLD lasers...okay.

Dick : You know what a cold laser is, Maddox?

Maddox : I do, but why don't we explain it to the audience?

Dick : You do, really?

Maddox : Yeah!

Dick : Do you really know what a cold laser is? Okay -

Maddox : Yeah, it's uh, I saw it on...I saw, I think Dr. Oz was talking about some, uh...

Dick : Okay, that's your first clue that it's BULLshit!

Maddox : Yup.

Dick : - is that it was on Dr. Oz.

Maddox : Yup!

Dick : is also known as "low-level laser therapy." Here's's how Wikipedia defines it: "Other names for this therapy include low-power laser, soft laser, cold laser, biostimulation laser, therapeutic laser, and laser acupuncture."

Maddox : (scoffs) Laser acupuncture...

Dick : Yeah. Here's the only thing scientific that I could get out of this whole fuckin' thing, is that it's a beam of light that's 600 nanometers to 1,000 nanometers that's red, but they always say 'close to infrared.'

Maddox : Hmmm...

Dick : Right? 'Cause that sounds...that sounds scientific or magical in some way. It's basically a red fuckin' light!

Maddox : Mmhm.

Dick : And if you want...If you wanna know why I'm so upset about this, I will *happily* tell you. I fucked up my ankle big-time playing dodgeball.

Maddox : Cool.

Dick : Okay? Yeah. Cool. Couldn't walk on it for a week, everyone laughed at me and pelted me in the head with dodgeballs until I was dragged off the court. Right?

Maddox : Pretty hilarious.

Dick : Very hilarious! So I go to the doctor, I go to urgent care, I get the x-ray...I go to, whatever, another guy when I still can't walk for a couple days, and he says, "Look, it's just a really bad sprain. Here's a prescription for some physical therapy, you can do some exercises that'll, like, firm up your...your ankle, or whatever." Alright? Pretty, like, standard stuff for an ankle sprain.

Maddox : Ooh, firm...firm up your ankle, huh? (sultry tone) ('sproing' [boner] sound effect) (Maddox laughs)

Dick : So I go into the therapist's office.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : She sits me down, and she goes, "Alright, take your shoe off. Take your thing-" and I'm like, "You know, I just need the exercises. I really - just show me what I can do with the exercises at home and I'll do them." And she goes, "Yeah yea yea yea yeah. But first...*first*....we're gonna use *this* to heal you up. And then, you're gonna have, uh, you're gonna be pain free in no time." So she busts out...this, uh...looks like one of uhh, those 'defibulators?' Defrib...'defribulators?' Is that it?

Maddox : Defibrillators, yeah.

Dick : Defibrillators. And it's got's got like,, a diode series coming out of it like a plug-

Maddox : (interjects) Uh-oh.

Dick : - like a stethoscope, right? Like a long cord, and then a circle that has a bunch of, uh, a bunch of LEDs on it.

Maddox : Yup.

Dick : And she fires this fuckin' machine up, and takes - and these things light up red, right?

Maddox : Hmm.

Dick : Like a Lite-Brite. And she puts it on my ankle, and she goes, "This is a cold laser."

Maddox : (exasperated sigh)

Dick : (continues quoting therapist) "...Don't worry, it doesn't hurt. In fact, you won't feel anything." (dryly)

Maddox : Uh-huh. (starts laughing)

Dick : And I'm like, "Yeah! No shit! I know I won't feel anything, I've seen a FUCKING Lite-Brite before."

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : "...What is this?! Whaddaya doing?!" She goes, "Well, it' stimulates healing."

Maddox : (laughing) Ohohoho, it stimulates healing!! That sounds like a medical explanation! (sarcastic)

Dick : In the TENDONS of your, under the skin, under all the dermises or whatever you have, the, the ligaments that are connecting your FUCKING bones, this magical device is shooting COLD LASERS under your skin, to heal your body. (cynical) That is what I'm being told when I'm showing up at a *medical* facility in the modern age. WHAT.

Maddox : Ohhh, my g- this is unbelievable. That's an outrage! Are you kidding me?! So this thing is supposed to target what's injured in your body and just heal it magically?? Then why don't we just have these lights on all the fuckin' time?

Dick : All the fuck- right?!

Maddox : Yeah! Let's heal everything, all the time!

Dick : Let's make CLOTHES out of them! (Maddox laughs) We'll be supermen!! We'll be FLYING AROUND shooting MAGICAL HEALING RAYS OUT OF OUR ASSHOLES...

Maddox : Yeah!

Dick : ...if we have enough of these.

Maddox : Sure! Cure cancer, cure everything - cure everything! Why not? All the time. (heavily sarcastic)

Dick : You know what? You're not far off! So -

Maddox : (mutters) Oh, Jesus...

Dick : - of...of course, I looked into this, and of *course* it's standard procedure across, like, physical therapy as a whole. I called physical therapists I know, and I'm like, "Hey, this is bullshit, right?" and they're like, "Well, you know, a lot of studies, this, this..." (stupid voice) and I'm like, "Are you fuckin' kidding me? Am I...(splutters angrily) this Pod Planet?? Are you all fuckin' POD PEOPLE?! IT'S A LITE-BRITE!" (Maddox laughs) It's a Lite-Brite that you can hold in your hand and you're putting it on my skin and telling me it's healing things?? There's NO WAY that can be true! I don't care what studies there are, I do NOT believe it.

Maddox : You know what, Dick? This sounds a lot like people who are on the cusp of homeopathic therapy, uh, those people, you know? The holistic healers, know, "holistic" means something else in the medical term, but these are, these people have appropriated it for alternate medicine. And these COLD lasers...first of all, if it's NEAR infrared, when you...okay, so for people who aren't scientifically versed, when Dick said that there were 600 to, what, 1200 nanometers?

Dick : Uh, a thousand.

Maddox : 1,000 nanometers. That's in the visual range. So what that normal light is usually around 600 nanometers. That's yellow, normal, like sunlight. That's what our sun, just -

Dick : (interjects) Like pee.

Maddox : - pee. Yeah, sure. Great, Dick. Great analogy. (Dick giggles robustly) But that's usually what our sun beams towards Earth, and that's why stop signs are red, because we see color in that spectrum most readily because that's what comes from the sun. So this is just *visual* light.

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : They're shining...they're just shining a flashlight, essentially, onto your leg!

Dick : Yes! Yeah!

Maddox : And there's nothing COLD about it, by the way, if it's near infrared -

Dick : (interjects) Well, it's plastic!

Maddox : - well, another word for - oh okay, fine - but another word for infrared is "heat." Heat is infrared. That's why when you have infrared cameras, they pick up HEAT signatures.

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : That's why in the movie Predator, when he covered himself in mud, the Predator couldn't see him. To use a scientific term...(starts laughing)

Dick : Yeah. Right!

Maddox : use a scientific example. But seriously, like, that's what that is. So if you have something that puts out heat near the infrared spectrum, by definition it's not fucking COLD, now, is it?

Dick : So they're doing this, and I'm thinking, "I woulda bought this more if you had just left it off!" Because then I wouldn't see a bunch of red flashlights shooting magical light at my ankle!

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Just leave it off! Like, uhh, make least TELL me it's shooting invisible rays out and have it shining actually fuckin' nothing out. So, part of my research to see if everybody knows this is bullshit or not, or if it's just me, the last person left, and I should just go ahead and kill myself because now the medical profession is run by QUACKS...

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : ...I found that, they - you wanna hear the things that this can cure? Cold lasers?

Maddox : Oh, let's hear it, let's hear this list! I guaran- I'm gonna make a prediction, Dick. I'm gonna guess that there's at least 10 things on this list.

Dick : I mean, you....on my list, I stopped at 10.

Maddox : Okay.

Dick : But here's, here's the list. Okay...Arthritis pain. Back pain. Carpal tunnel syndrome, fibromyalgia pain, knee pain, neck pain, tendonitis. Right?

Maddox : Right.

Dick : That sounds like...that sounds, that sounds believable. Right?

Maddox : At least it's all in the same wheelhouse of things that it, it cures, yeah.

Dick : Okay! And you...but you know these motherfuckers, with their motherfuckin' scams, they can't stop at believable, can they?!

Maddox : Noooope.

Dick : Because if - once you got 'em in, once you got 'em roped in with this shit, you gotta keep pullin', or someone else is gonna get your scam - someone else is gonna drink your milkshake, right??

Maddox : Sure.

Dick : Get ready for some more! Smoking cessation.

Maddox : What?

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : So, so when you quit smoking, that feeling that you...your urge to smoke, that's what it's supposed to help?

Dick : Dude, you know what? Uh, I think you're putting more logical thought into the process than any of these fuckin' people are.

Maddox : Jeeze.

Dick : Like, you're...the steps that you described, it's probably just - "Oh, you know, just shoot it at your face!" (Maddox laughs) And then, 'mlehhhhh!' [mimicking pointing a laser at his face] Uhh...weight loss.

Maddox : Ohoho, it helps with weight loss! (incredulous)

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : So that's actually -

Dick : (interjects) So deck out your whole house in them.

Maddox : Yeah, so when I mentioned I saw this on Dr. Oz, that is the application I actually saw this being used for.


Maddox : No! They said they - they used 'cold laser therapy' and I thought, "Huh, that's kinda interesting, I wonder when this'll be on the market." I never really thought about it, until you mentioned cold laser therapy today and I thought, "Huh, that sounds an awful lot like...cold fusion," which is also -

Dick : Which is also bullshit. (in unison with Maddox)

Maddox : Because fusion, when it reacts, it's releasing gamma rays, which are gonna melt the entire fuckin' facility! There's no such thing as 'cold fusion.'

Dick : Umm, speaking of market, you brought up 'when are they gonna bring it to market?' Guess how much one of these motherfuckers costs?

Maddox : Oh, I'm gue- uhh, 1200 bucks.

Dick : Hahahahahh, keep goin'!

Maddox : Uh...north of 10,000?

Dick : (pauses for emphasis) ...7 to 23 thousand dollars.

Maddox : Hoooly shit! For this bullshit LED display??

Dick : For a battery pack with a Lite-Brite.

Maddox : You can get LEDs adjusted to any specification that you want! You can get any nanometer...any wavelength of LEDs that you want!

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : And they cost nothing! You can go to Radio Shack and BUILD one for like, fuckin' 20 bucks! This costs 20 *thousand* dollars, are you kidding me?

Dick : (interjects) We should get into this business.

Maddox : Oh, yeah. Uh, Dick, uhh...uh, we, uh...

Dick : (gleefully) Yeah...cut, cut, cut -

Maddox : ...yeah, let's uh, we, uh, said too much this episode -

Dick : (interjects) Hair growth! It also promotes.

Maddox : Ya.

Dick : Apparently. So you got a bunch - somewhere in the U.S., there is a bunch of bald assholes sitting around in a doctor's office getting red flashlights shone on their heads and crossing their fingers that they're gonna grow a beautiful mane of hair.

Maddox : This was a big thing a while back. I remember seeing it on talk shows where people had these uh,, hair laser combs, and they would just put it in their heads, and they supposedly grew - you know what, though? They did show some growth in some of these people, but, uhh, it's hard to tell whether or not it was attributed to the actual lasers or the, uh, stimulation of a comb goin' through your head for 20 minutes a day.

Dick : Or just like, 'Fuck you, I know it's not the lights.'

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : No matter what you're showin' me, no matter what - if some of these guys grew their hair back? Yeah right. (Maddox laughs) That's, okay. And it's on TV? It's not real. (indignant) Fuck you. I don't need to see the study. Uh - well, it doesn't stop there. You know what else...

Maddox : What else?

Dick : ...they recommend using it for? Horses and pets. (cynical tone)

Maddox : Hmm. Well, that would make sense, of course, if it's gonna cure humans, it's gotta cure horses! (sarcastic)

Dick : Of course.

Maddox : Because, people who are doctors also are special- uh, have specialties in *animal* care, don't they.

Dick : You know what? People who own horses are rich as fuck, aren't they?

Maddox : They are.

Dick : These guys have it CRACKED, man. Hair loss, growth, weight loss, and horses? Is there anything - like, do you even need to look at the studies to know that it's fake when they're targeting such a specific group of people?!

Maddox : Yeah. [in agreement]

Dick : Um, so....wait wait wait errrr I got somethin' else here...okay, so - I looked up where this came from, right? Some dude in Budapest...

Maddox : Okay.

Dick : ...In 1967, right? Land of gypsies. (mysterious tone)

Maddox : Yep. (Cracks up along with Sean in the background)

Dick : ...noticed that, uh, when he shot - when he shone this light on a bunch of shaved mice, their hair grew back more quickly.

Maddox : Oh.

Dick : That's it! That's the extent of the studies on this magical device. So here's the kicker -

Maddox : (interjects) So one, one - one study from Budapest in 1967. When, uh -

Dick : (interjects) OR possibly just an anecdote.

Maddox : Sure. (Sean snickers) From Budapest.

Dick : Yeah! So, here's why it's a problem: now, you're saying there's tons of crackpot theories out there.

Maddox : Right.

Dick : Right? You can get - you can get actual, can get acupuncture, you can buy a bunch of sage and wiggle it around your house, maybe that makes ya feel better, maybe it doesn't - I don't know, the placebo effect is very powerful!

Maddox : That's what I was gonna say, yeah, it might be a placebo effect. So, you can't discount THAT.

Dick : Well. You know what you CAN do with the placebo effect now, apparently?

Maddox : What?

Dick : You can submit it to your health insurance. Guess who paid (Maddox groans) for my first physical fuckin' therapy session with this god damn Lite-Brite on a stick?? I submitted that shit STRAIGHT to Blue Shield, and guess who picked up the tab?!

Maddox : Oh my god. That is - (sound clip of Dick yelling "That's ridiculous!")

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : That actually is ridiculous.

Dick : It ACTUALLY is ridiculous.

Maddox : That's absurd. That is...that *infuriates* me. So we're - this is why our insurance is so fucking expensive, 'cause we're paying for 20,000 dollar...flashlights.

Dick : Yeah! That you can get for...15 minutes at a time? I dunno, I dunno when the limit is - I don't know when you're 'full' of bullshit. Like, I don't know when the effectiveness of bullshit expires every day.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : So however long you wanna sit there, in the...uhh, I don't know if they are doctors, but they're, like, they're at least - they're more connected to the doctor than I am, so I'm gonna say doctors. As long as you wanna sit there under a 'medical professional's' care, and get *bullshit* shined on your leg, you can do that, and someone else'll pick up the tab. ALL OF US will pick up the tab, in fact, because we're all putting in for it.

Maddox : You know, I've always felt that physical therapy, the whole thing...the entire, like, field is a little bit just on the verge of bullshit.

Dick : Right?? It's a little wacky.

Maddox : Yeah. I remember one time I went to, uh, either a GNC or a Vitamin Shoppe or somethin' like that, and I popped in and there was this guy there who was a physical therapist, and he said, "Hey, we're, uh, we're checking people's posture and spines," er, their spine or whatever, and it, I read the brochure and it said it was for people who are suffering from lower back pain.

Dick : Mmhm.

Maddox : Well, I didn't at the time, and uhh, still don't, thankfully but I, uhh, I was dating someone who did. And I thought, "You know what? I'll hop into this thing and I'll see how they check me, and uh, and see, you know, see what the procedure is so I could tell her and then maybe she could check it out, right?

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : So I hopped on this, uh, this platform, and they used these, uh, these elastic bands to check my alignment and my posture and he said, "Ohh yeah, WAY off. Your spine needs to be realigned, this is off, this is bad. This is bad, this is wrong..." and he said, "You're *definitely* suffering from lower back pain." And I told him, uhh -

Dick : (interjects) Hahahahaha!! Kay...

Maddox : - and I told him I wasn't - "I, I actually feel really good." And he said, "Welll, that's...that's a surprise to us because according to our readings here, that you're way off." I'm like, "Well, I think SOMEBODY'S way off, and it's not me, buddy! 'Cause I feel great! I was actually just asking this for my girlfriend, uhh, but apparently you're fulla SHIT, soooo we'll be movin' on."

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : And of course, um, it had nothing to do with that. Most lower back pain is related to stress, but that's a different...that's a different issue.

Dick : But then you guys broke up and she's fine now. (wryly)

Maddox : (Sean cracks up in the background) Well, she...(Maddox starts laughing)...she was fine when we were together, broke up, back pain came back. So.

Dick : Ahhh. Yeah. Good.

Maddox : I'm okay with that.

Dick : Yeah, well, um -

Maddox : Big problem! Good, uh...yeah.

Dick : That's my - that's my problem. So basically I think, uhhh, anybody if you get health insurance? Instead of asking you about like, health problems in your family, they should be saying, "Uhhh, are you a sucker? Do you - like, do you believe in horseshit? Do you think that can cure you??" And if you say no, you should get a separate insurance premium, so you don't have to subsidize shit like this.

Maddox : Yeeeeessss.

Dick : And you know what, don't give it to me! Like don't let me - you know that they cover acupuncture now?! (Maddox groans) And that's the same shit - I don't buy that for a second! I don't need to see any studies of that, I know it doesn't fuckin' work.

Maddox : Yeah, well -

Dick : (interjects) Like maybe it works, but it's not...*real*.

Maddox : Well look, here's the thing, Dick: I believe in the placebo effect, because placebos work on me. And if, if placebos don't cost much, I'm all for them. Look, sell me whatever line of horseshit you want. If I feel better because of a placebo effect, great! I just don't wanna pay a lot for it. But if it's this 20,000 dollar bullshit label -

Dick : (interjects) 23,000 dollars, man! (incredulous)

Maddox : Yeah, this, this laser that people are subsidizing? Are you insane?!

Dick : Well at least it's horse strength. (dryly)

Maddox : Hey, speaking of uh, paying too much for bullshit...

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox :'s my first problem.

Dick : Okay.

Maddox : Game pre-purchases. Mmkay. You know what these are?

Dick : Umm....explain it to me.

Maddox : So, when you go to the store, like GameStop or EB Games or Babbage's - I don't even know if they're still around. But if you go to any of these stores to buy a video game, they won't just outright sell it to you, or they won't just sell you the game that you fucking want; they'll try to cram some other shit down your throat as a pre-purchase. They say, "Hey, do you want the new Grand Theft Auto 5? Well, if you want this game you better pre-purchase it because we're not - we're only ordering just as many copies as people pre-order!"

Dick : Ohhhkay.

Maddox : Right? So what's the problem with this? What do you - what do you think the problem with this is?

Dick : Well, it's like a big dick in your mouth, like South Park said - it's just, screwing over your...brand loyalty? Like, I dunno.

Maddox : Well, these companies basically, they want your money before you have a chance to even know if the game is good.

Dick : Okay.

Maddox : So you've already paid for it, then if the game comes out and it's schlock, you read the reviews, it's garbage...guess what? Too late! They already got your money!

Dick : (chuckling) Yeah.

Maddox : AND, they rely so heavily on these game pre-purchases, they're banking on these hardcore fans who buy the game before it's even out, because they can sell it to them for 60 or 70 dollars. They up the price the first two weeks, then after that initial hype has died down, then they lower the price to 50 or 40 bucks, which is the actual market price. Which, by the way, I'm not even sure, it might be, uh, inflated, because it's -

Dick : (interjects) So you're saying it's a scam.

Maddox : It IS a scam.

Dick : It is a scam.

Maddox : Also, once you've given them your money AHEAD of time, what you've essentially done is turn the game company into a bank!

Sean : (from the background) YES.

Maddox : Right??

Dick : Ha! Yeah.

Maddox : I mean, because instead of you collecting interest on your money, THEY'RE collecting interest on your money!

Dick : Yeah, that's true! (amused)

Maddox : Yeah!

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : And there, there was actually an article a while back where some guy was using a game store, like a GameStop, as a bank. He would come in, he would basically take his paycheck, spend it on video games, bring it back in, sell his used games, and then get store credit!

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : Well that sounds an awful lot like a bank to me! They're - if you're getting store credit - except the only difference is, that unlike a normal bank you can only spend THIS store credit in this actual store!!

Dick : Sure!

Maddox : You can't buy goods, you can't buy milk and eggs, you can't buy services, you can't do anything except buy more bullshit games! And then more pre-orders! Now the other problem with this is that by pre-ordering a game, you're signaling to the publisher that you don't care about the quality of the game.

Dick : No, that's true. Alright...yeah, that - that's a good one.

Maddox : Yeah!

Dick : You got me on that one.

Maddox : Yeah! 'Cause you're saying -

Dick : (interjects) Well, because I'm for people getting conned outta money. It's like, you really want something? Just pay us.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : But, that''re definitely makin' a worse game by getting the money in advance.

Maddox : Right. Because remember a long time ago when publishers - like, back in the Nintendo era - they would make games with extra levels, hidden levels, BONUS levels, all this shit that they threw in there, that people who bought the game would then unlock and talk about at school, and be like, "Wow, can you believe this game?? I found this secret...." They would talk about it, and people would go out and say, "Wow, that's a really great game! I think I'm gonna go out and buy it."

Dick : Mmhm.

Maddox : Not anymore. They have no incentive. They have NO incentive!

Dick : Okay, so...can I ask you something?

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Uh - has this happened to you?

Maddox : Yeah!

Dick : ...the pre-game thing. When did you lose - when were you disenfranchised to the, um, to the practice of pre...pre-selling games?

Maddox : Oh man, so many times...

Dick : Yeah, 'cause I feel like we've all gone through it, and as you're describing it I'm remembering when it happened to me. And it's flooding - it's, like, it's all flooding back to me, the memory of pre-purchasing a game and getting totally fucked over and like, learning about life.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : When's the last time that it happened to you?

Maddox : The last time I really got burned on any kind of game pre-purchase was the 32X. The Sega...the Sega 32X. This is something a lot of people don't even remember, but right before the Sega Saturn came out, and right after the Genesis and Sega CD, Sega of America -

Dick : (interjects) So, wait, lemme set - just to be specific, because you have uh, an encyclopedic knowledge of video games - that was, like, right after the Super Nintendo and the Genesis were having their console wars, right?

Maddox : Yes, yes.

Dick : And then the 32X was like, supposed to be the next big thing.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Okay.

Maddox : Well, it wasn't. It was a big piece of shit, got very little support - a few months later they just stopped making games for it. I just plonked down 150 bucks on this bullshit piece of hardware, and now I can't use it!

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : Yeah! GARBAGE. It's totally garbage. And I got - I was so pissed off, I stopped buying anything ahead of time. I remember my buddy came to me, and this is the day I woke up...he said, "Hey man, do you wanna go stand in line to buy a PSP? A Sony PSP?" And I said, "Fuck no! NO I'm not buyin' a PSP! Is it good?? I don't know! What are the games like? I don't know, I'm not gonna fuckin' pay money for it! Are you kidding - (stammers) - I'm not buyin' this horseshit anymore! I'm done. I'm done with game pre-purchases."

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : And here's the other - now, here's the other thing that's really, REALLY pissing me off now. Now with games, they're not only doing game pre-purchases, but they're doing deluxe editions for different retailers. So, for example...uh, Nintendo, Nintendo has uh, this new...uh, Hyrule Warriors game coming out.

Dick : Okay.

Maddox : And if you buy the game from Best Buy, you get the Skyward Sword costume set. (Dick laughs) If you buy the game from Amazon -

Dick : (interjects) Wait, wait, in the game?

Maddox : In the game, yeah!

Dick : You get, like, pretend clothes?

Maddox : You get pretend clothes in the game. (derisive)

Dick : Alright, cool.

Maddox : Soo, if you want your character to look a certain way, you better buy it from the right retailer! From Amazon, you, you get the Twilight Princess costume set.

Dick : Ha! I'm okay with that! (with Sean laughing in the background) I'm okay with, like, (Maddox groans) the stuff that's goin' on there.

Maddox : Stupid. (Dick laughs) Well, I'll tell you why there's a danger here. And from GameStop, you get the Ocarina of Time costume set. So depending on where you buy it from, you get the different costume set. So this could potentially...actually, if you think about it this could potentially reveal where you live. (Dick giggles quietly) Right? Because say somebody has your IP address, they know approximately what state you live in, or something -

Dick : ...Yeah...

Maddox : - and then they see, 'well, this guy only has, you know, a GameStop Ocarina of Time,' whatever, and you can narrow it down to the town and find out where the GameStop is and be like, "Well, they gotta be within this radius!" They approximately know where this person's from -

Dick : Because of pre-purchasing video games? (doubtful)

Maddox : Yeah. (Dick shrugs) Yeah, you could, you're giving up a little bit of privacy there.

Dick : I guess so.

Maddox : Well, okay. But here's, here's - here's the really insidious part. You know the game Watch Dogs that just came out?

Dick : No, man.

Maddox : Watch Dogs is kinda like a Grand Theft Auto game where you're kind of a hacker.

Dick : I stopped paying attention to video games afterrr, um...oh, god...I played like, 'Justified'? Er, Just Cause 2, and then before that the last game I remember is like, uhh...Dead or Alive Beach Volleyball? You remember that game? (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox : Heh heh heh, yeah, I remember that one.

Dick : Yeah, that was good game.

Maddox : Bouncy boobs. Uh, a lot of boob physics - a lot of people bitched about that! There was shit on Tumblr- a shitstorm on Tumblr about that...bullshit. So let's look at the number of editions of this game, 'kay?

Dick : Okay.

Maddox : Imagine this wasn't even a game. Imagine this was *any* other fucking product. Anything! This is the number of editions, and this is no joke: Standard Edition. Special Edition. Vigilante Edition. Uplay Exclusive Edition. Limited Edition. Dedsec Edition. Digital Deluxe Edition. Uplay Deluxe Edition. Gold, and Season Pass.

Dick : And what do you do you get these?

Maddox : You have to buy - these are all individual, uh, packages that you can buy. And these...some of these editions include, like, exclusive packaging, some of 'em have the original soundtrack, one of 'em has a cap that your character can wear...

Dick : Yeah. (amused)

Maddox : ...a baseball cap, one of 'em has a mask, another one has a Steelbook, an artbook, badges, cards, map of Chicago, and all these like -

Dick : (laughing) A map of Chicago?!

Maddox : Yeah!

Dick : That's not a very good prize.

Maddox : No, it's kinda shitty, right? But these are all different editions that you can buy, and some of 'em have different content based on how much you pay.

Dick : Oh, well... (thoughtful)

Maddox : Right?

Dick : Ehh, I'm not, I'm not - I'm not as offended by that, I gotta tell ya.

Maddox : Okay. (annoyed) Alright, Dick.

Dick : I don't think people - well,, I've done this with Army of Darkness, like there's...Army of Darkness has, like, seven different versions and it's always some new shit that they throw in.

Maddox : Oh, I'm such a sucker for that.

Dick : I know, I get scammed every time, but goddammit, I really love that movie and I really wanna see the deleted scenes.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Uhh...I got no one to blame but myself, though!

Maddox : Yeah...

Dick : If you can just keep your credit card in your pants and not whip it out every time you get excited, that's all you gotta do.

Maddox : Yeah, but it's ruining video games. It's ruining the video game experience. If you have to pre-purchase this stuff, and - and companies actually, uh, gauge the number of copies they order know what? I've stopped buying games from game stores, because if you walk in and you just wanna buy a game they won't sell it to you anymore. They say you have to pre-purchase it, and they'll PUNISH you for it! They'll say, "Hey, you didn't pre-purchase games, sorry, we didn't order enough." I'm like, "Hey, do you want my money or not?! 'Cause I'm gonna buy this on Amazon, dickhead. I don't give a shit if you pre-ordered or not, I'm just gonna buy it on Amazon." And they'll ship it you the same day, it doesn't matter.

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : Uh - yeah.

Dick : Yeah, I remember very clearly buying SimCity 3000 as a pre-purchase, like, 'cause I was so into SimCity for some stupid reason when I was a kid...

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : ...and, when I went to pick it up, they had, like, sold out of all of it? Like they had sold out of all the pre-orders.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Soo, uh, that annoyed me, but then when I went back again a couple days later and they got a ship- the shipment in, I made my mom - er, I asked my mom to drive me to the mall - I think it was Electronics Boutique - I picked it up, I took it home and the disks were corrupted.

Maddox : Hm.

Dick : Soo I took them down to like the computer guy, in our neighborhood...

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : And I was like, "Yeah, dude, this is fucked. They're, uh...they're broken. Like I just got totally screwed." So he goes, "Give 'em over here." Puts 'em in, and he, like, uncorrupted them? He did something, and he's like, "Yeah, you know, next time - next time you wanna get, like, games like this, just come talk to me. Don't buy them."

Maddox : Yup.

Dick : Right? (continues quoting) "Just get pirated ones." And from THEN on, I do not buy software. Anything that you can get for free online, I get for free.

Maddox :'s interesting that you mention that. I, I used to have a policy that I always paid for video games. I *always* wanted to support the industry, these are...this is the thing I love, I wanna support the people who make it, I wanna support the industry. I want…I want to reward these guys for making this content that I love. Right?

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : Changed. I've changed my attitude about that, and now if I can download a game, if, depends. If it's an indie person, if it's somebody who just created this game and they're just, you know, they're bootstrapping this project, whatever, I'm gonna support them. However, EA Games? Forget it. I'm never gonna pay for an EA game again. EVER.

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : Because they fuck you every chance they get. They sell...they sell you incomplete games, and you have to buy a buncha shit afterwards. And then,, so uh, when I decided I was gonna stop paying for games that I, when I decided that, um, I realized I already had the game. If I have a game on Nintendo, and it's a cartridge form and I want it on Wii?

Dick : Uh-huh.

Maddox : Guess wha- I'm not gonna pay for it again. I already have it. What am I gonna pay them for again? Why am I gonna keep buying the same content over and over and over?

Dick : Yeah!! (Maddox laughs, skeptical of Dick's sincerity) No, I know! I think - uh, yeah, what a bunch of fuckin' nerds we are, talking - (chuckling) so upset about video games. But I totally agree with you.

Maddox : Thanks, Dick. (8-bit video game 'level up' sound effect) (Dick and Maddox laugh) That's the, uh, that's the special buzz for this episode.

Dick : Yeah, no, I get the anger.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Uh...everyone could just have a little bit more restraint, I think. Right, that'll fix it?

Maddox : A little bit of restraint, and also, uh, stop placing so much value on pre-orders.

Dick : Yeah, if you wanna spend the money just get, get somethin' else!

Maddox : No no, I mean, I'm tellin' the companies to stop placing so much value -

Dick : Ohhh.

Maddox : Believe in your product, put out something good, don't worry about the pre-orders and let us collect interest on our own fucking money. Stop turning video game companies, er, video game *retailers* into banks. It's not "GameStop Savings and Loans."

Dick : True.

Maddox : I don't wanna bank with these idiots...those smelly bastards. Alright, what's your next problem?

Dick : Uh, my next problem is...missing your Fantasy Football draft.

Maddox : Oh, woooh! (feigning enthusiasm) (laughs)

Dick : Yeah, which I did. (both laugh) So now I have, uh, three quarterbacks, tight end...

Maddox : Ohh, Dick...I - you lost me right at football. I don't know what anything you're saying means.

Dick : So...I know that you feel this way about football...

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : ...but I wanna try to present this to you in a way that you'll understand.

Maddox : Okay.

Dick : Um...forget about football.

Maddox : Uh, DONE.

Dick : Just pretend that it's a vicious competition between you and your friends.

Maddox : 'Kay.

Dick : Lemme...I have a, I have a Fantasy Football team, uh, with my family every year. And the highlight of my week is writing the recap email on Monday that *shits* all over everyone.

Maddox : Hmm.

Dick : Ah, you're interested now. Right?

Maddox : Mmm, a little bit.

Dick : Yeaahhh.

Maddox : I do like shit-talking.

Dick : You do like writing big, shitty emails to your friends, right? (Maddox laughs) That's what Fantasy Football is!

Maddox : Okay.

Dick : It doesn't ma- and even if you LOSE, the email could be even shittier.

Maddox : Mmmhm.

Dick : Right?

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : If you lose...I'm a bad sport when I win, and I'm even a worse sport when I lose.

Dick : You can be the worst sport in the WORLD at Fantasy Football, and everyone cares. (persuasive)

Maddox : Um...let's back up for a second.

Dick : Okay...

Maddox : What is Fantasy Football? (laughs)

Dick : Okay. Fantasy Football is like regular football, except there's more points.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Like, you get points for doing everything. You pick guys....oh Jesus. Alright, I gotta go WAY back.

Maddox : Yeah, I don't understand any of it.

Dick : Okay,, right? It's a whole league with all the teams all over the place, right -

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : - and usually you root for a team, and if they win, you're happy and if they lose, you get drunk and...get into a fight.

Maddox : Right.

Dick : Right? So with Fantasy Football, you pick players from all over the league and make your own team, as if you own it. And then, with whatever they do during the week, they get points based on what they did.

Maddox : Okay.

Dick : And then you play other people, in your little Fantasy League, who also made THEIR own Fantasy team...

Maddox : So thi- this sou-

Dick : (interjects) Like -

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Go ahead.

Maddox : This sounds like Dungeons & Dragons.

Dick : IIIII was just gonna say, (Maddox laughs) it's like Dungeons & Dragons, but for *jocks*. Right?

Maddox : For joc- uhh, yeah! It's the jock version of Dungeons & Dragons. Okay.

Dick : Yeah! So - sounds fun, right??

Maddox : No. (immediately)

Dick : AW, COME ONNN! (Maddox laughs) I'm tryna pitch this to ya, here!

Maddox : Okay, I get it, I get it -

Dick : (interjects) You GET it.

Maddox : - it's not fun, but I get it. Go on.

Dick : Okay, THEN, it gets like neck and neck, for the week!

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : And you lose, and then you go on to play other people and they lose, or whatever, and then you, you know, you talk shit. Basically. BUT! But. Here's the biggest - here's the most important part: the part where you pick your teams is a very intense, fast-paced process. (slowly for emphasis) You know? It's not like Dungeons & Dragons where you're just rolling fuckin' DICE, and you can sit there all day counting up your points, your whatever-they-are - right??

Maddox : Right.

Dick : This're on the clock, you gotta make your choice, and then when you pick that person, that's person's gone for the next person. So if they wanted to pick your guy, they're fucked. They gotta think on their feet and pick another GUY.

Maddox : Why...why is this on the clock? Is this just arbitrary? You guys just set up a timer?

Dick : Uh, no, it's - it's, uh, controlled by Yahoo. (Maddox laughs) Like, it goes around...(cracks up)...they're act- they're actually really good at it. Uh, it goes around and you got, like, 4 minutes to make your choice, and then YOU pick, and if you don't make the choice, it picks whoever's on your list.

Maddox : Okay.

Dick : Right?

Maddox : Sure.

Dick : So, if your list is fucked up, and you are not there to adjust it, depending on who everybody else picked - 'cause you gotta pick, like, 12 guys -

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Right? You are *totally* fucked, you do NOT get the positions you want - like, you don't get your wizard, you don't get the wizard you wanted, you don't get the paladin you wanted -

Maddox : Thank you, Dick. (Dick laughs) For relating this in terms that I can understand. Thank you. (sarcastic)

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : Thank you for not condescending. (Dick laughs harder)

Dick : You don't get the - you end up with three quarterbacks who are all SHITTY...

Maddox : Uh-huh.

Dick : end up with no tight end...

Maddox : Oh. (dryly)

Dick : ...and you end up getting shit on by everyone in your league because you look like a joke. (frustrated)

Maddox : Oh no! (sound clip of man saying "Well, that's unfortunate.") (laughs)

Dick : Yeah. So, this season is starting off really fuckin' bad for me.

Maddox : Well, I'm really sorry to hear that, Dick. (mildy sarcastic)

Dick : You wanna know how important this stuff is to people??

Maddox : I don't.

Dick : You don't wanna hear....?

Maddox : No- I don't know...(both start laughing) I thought you said I don't know how important it is and I said, "I don't," but yeah - uh, both, both.

Dick : Are you getting a sense of how important it is to me?! Lemme tell you how important it was last year.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Last year...last year, I, um...I got *killed* my Fantasy league.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : But. BUT. I beat my dad's team -

Maddox : Ooo.

Dick : - and I beat my brother-in-law's dad's team. So I was a fuckin' hero!

Maddox : Dick, lemme - this is so many steps removed from ACTUAL football. And for you to take any credit for anything, for doing ANYTHING - you didn't beat ANYTHING. You just sat...first of all, you didn' didn't pick the football team that, that actually won - like, you didn't, you weren't coaching the team, you weren't playing the game, you aren't related to any of the characters, you don't even live in the hometown, I'm sure, of any of the, the teams - so, you then went one step FURTHER removed from that and then just picked them out of the ether, and just played, uh, played this points game and wrote them down on a piece of paper and you feel *proud* of that. (laughs)

Dick : Yeah! WHY ARE YOU PLAYIN' VIDEO GAMES, YOU ASSHOLE?! I'm not letting someone who's pissed off about VIDEO GAMES tell me about FOOTBALL! Alright?! FUCK YOU! It's important! (cracks up) It's important!!

Maddox : Yeahhh, real important. What a jock. (laughs some more) This is your, this is your jock...this is, this is - I wanna say it's Halo for jocks, but Halo IS Halo for jocks. What is's like, even more jocky than Halo. It's like, it's one step -

Dick : (interjects) Whadda you mean, it's 'more jocky than Halo?' It's FOOTBALL. Not Halo.

Maddox : Halo is, like, the frat guy's video game.

Dick : Okay, frat guys, alright...

Maddox : Yeah. Same thing. Right? You're not gettin', they're frat -

Dick : (interjects) NO, frat guys and jocks are not the same!

Maddox : Really? (incredulous) What's the difference?

Dick : Uh, date rape?

Maddox : Ohh...(laughs) Wait, more or less? Probably more so in fraternities -

Dick : I don't know, actually, I don't know.

Maddox : Yeah. ...I dunno, I'd say it's comparable.

Dick : So you're saying it's the Halo gotta keep alotta score, man!

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : I mean, you don't have to, 'cause Yahoo does it *for* you, you just kinda show up and log in and see how you're doin'.

Maddox : Does - so everybody, uh...does everybody use Yahoo? Is that what everybody uses?

Dick : I THINK so. Well, everyone in your league uses the same thing, yeah! 'Cause it, like, controls your, your league name, and it like, controls who's logging in, and keeps track of everything.

Maddox : Wooow. It sounds like a sounds - it sounds almost like, uh, math. It sounds like the least fun thing about math, which is statistics.

Dick : Yes! It is!

Maddox : Yeah. The least fun thing about math. That's what this is! This is just, like, really, um...really tame statistics.

Dick : I guess...

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : I mean, I dunno.

Maddox : So you're - "Hey, hey guys! You wanna come over, drink some beers, do some statistics??" (laughs)

Dick : Yeah!

Maddox : (still laughing) "Let's do some STATS homework, huh?"

Dick : Yeah, well, you know, it's very fun.

Maddox : Sounds like a good time. (Dick laughs) You know, I've been - I've been over during a Fantasy draft football thing, know, none of my friends include me, they didn't - they never even offered to ask, or explain anything. I'm like, "Okay, fuck you guys, I don't give a shit-" So I went over there...first of all, the entire - (Dick explodes into laughter)

Dick : HAHAHAHA!! "'Fuck you, I don't give a shit!' So I went over there -" (mocking Maddox) (both laugh)

Maddox : You know, it was incidental, I was on my way to another party. An ACTUAL party.

Dick : 'I was on my way to a symphony - a SYMPOSIUM, where we were talking about COOL math...' (mockingly) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox : ...Which is any other math, actually. But, I went -I went over to their, to their place, when they had a whole bunch of beers, and chips and shit out, like, there was an actual football game going on, except there WASN'T - they just had a projector up with Fantasy Football...

Dick : Yeah. (chuckling)

Maddox : ...and the whole place smelled like farts - (Sean bursts out laughing in the background) - it was *humid* in there, everybody looked like they were just depressed and fat. Even people who WEREN'T fat, were fat.

Dick : Look, it's a very stressful time.

Maddox : Oh, yeah! Everybody was sweating, everybo- it just smelled, it *reeked* - it looked like the room was DIM. (disgusted) Like uh, uh...musky, know, smo- like a smoky old bar, except no one was smoking! Why does it get that way around Fantasy Football?! Whatta ya, it's just

Dick : (interjects) 'CAUSE YOU HAVE TO - you have to dedicate a hundred percent of your mental faculties to your FUCKING team -

Maddox : (interjects) No!

Dick : - to the DRAFT.

Maddox : No, *you* do! I don't, 'cause that shit's stupid! (Maddox, Dick, and Sean all start laughing)

Dick : Oho, man...oh man, youuu...(splutters) better play - because you would get your ass kicked.

Maddox : Oh, you're on, Dick!!

Dick : That's - you're fuckin' afraid!

(Maddox and Dick shit-talking over each other)

Maddox : Oho, I'll kick your ass, bullshit -

Dick : You're fuckin' afraid.

Maddox : You know what, I'll just crunch some numbers, I'll - I'll figure out your bullshit little dime and nickel operation.

Dick : You're talkin' to the Dad Slayer over here! (Maddox laughs) How fuckin' DARE you.

Maddox : Hahaha, the Dad Slayer - the Dad Slayer who couldn't figure out how to hit 'double speed' - (Sean roars with laughter in the background) - on his podcast. (all three laugh hysterically) Ohhh. Alright. Yeah, you're ON Dick, I'll play - I'll play your bullshit little Dungeons & Dragons game. With uh, with football players.

Dick : That's what it is, it's Dungeons & Dragons for football. (amused)

Maddox : Yeah. Except - except instead of interesting characters with interesting archetypes and powers, these are people who just people who throw a ball, and they're millionaires. You're playing -

Dick : Wooooooah, woah, not interesting??

Maddox : No.

Dick : you know how many fuckin' murders happen? (Maddox chuckles) How many DUI's happen in this league every year?

Maddox : Well, sure.

Dick : These guys are WAY more interesting than Dungeons & Dragons. (Maddox sighs exasperatedly)

Maddox : Ughh. You know what, I would say...I would say they're comparably interesting. Dungeons & Dragons is fun from time to time, but I'm know, I'm not investing huge amounts of time into doing it, 'cause I get laid. So, there's that.

Dick : (sneering) This fuckin' guy... (Maddox laughs)

Maddox : Alright. Is that, that uh, is that all you got for your, uh, big - BIG problem of the universe this week? (chuckling)

Dick : (interjects) I mean, I guess! Look, uh, there's people out there who get what I'm saying.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : My fuckin' brother-in-law was frantically putting his team together on the phone while his kid was in the hospital, with the...the croup, or whatever it was. That's how important it is. THAT'S how important it is, that's what I'm telling you. IT'S WAY MORE IMPORTANT THAN...not buying video games in advance!! (yelling)

Maddox : Well, I dunno about that...but, speaking of, uh, my second problem this week game *post*-purchases - (Dick bursts out laughing)

Dick : (interjects) HA, oh, shut the FUCK up! (Maddox laughs heartily)

Maddox : Yeah, game post-purchases. This is downloadable content, or DLC.

Dick : Oh, ok- I know what that is.

Maddox : Okay. You know what it is -

Dick : (interjects) Yeah, but explain what it is, though, yeah.

Maddox : So, everybody just calls this 'DLC.' So let's say, Dick, you go out to the store, aaaannd you wanna buy a TV. And you think you're buying the top-of-the-market, the best TV out on the market, it's know, HD...

Dick : Yeah, what's it got. (playing along)

Maddox : Yeah, it's got HD, it's got 4K, huh? We talked about that.

Dick : Okay, yeah yeah yeah yeah, I like it, I like it.

Maddox : Yeah, the resolution race - it's got 3D...well, you take this thing home, you plug it in, it works for a little while, but then you notice it's kinda missing some features. The fea- some features that were promised on the box that aren't in there. Oh, maybe it's not quite 4K yet, but that's coming - you have to do a firmware update. (cynical) And to get that firmware, you have to pay for it.

Dick : I gotta pay for that shit?!

Maddox : Ohh, yeah! You gotta pay for it. Uh-oh! Now your TV's not so hot, is it? You paid for a full TV, but what you got is an incomplete TV.

Dick : Mmhm.

Maddox : That's what DLC is, to video games. Companies are no longer selling you a finished product; they're selling you a bullshit-ass game - sometimes, the DLC is, is as...egregious as extra levels to the video game. Like I bought this Castlevania game -

Dick : (interjects) Ahh I don't - okay, yeah, go ahead.

Maddox : - Yeah, I bought this Castlevania game on PSN that was this, uh, Symphony of the Night kind of callback of this...this AWESOME game that came out on PlayStation -

Dick : (interjects) This is AFTER you were getting laid, right? While you were not playing Fantasy Football, 'cause you're getting laid? (sarcastic)

Maddox : Uhh, this was before...(Sean laughs in the background)...yyyikes. (laughs) But uh, no, anyway there were...the game came with one level - for 15 dollars. (Dick laughs) You want another...? Yeah -

Dick : Hahaha! That sucks.

Maddox : Oh yeah, it does suck. You want another level? 3 bucks!

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : You want the complete game? 35 bucks. So, essentially they sold me a demo, and paraded it...and masqueraded it as a full fucking game.

Dick : They roped you in, man! That's bullshit!

Maddox : Well, the -

Dick : Because 35 dollars, that's an actual full-blown game!

Maddox : Yeah, thirty -

Dick : And they clearly roped you in to sell you the whole thing. Yeah, that's horseshit.

Maddox : You know, I used to buy, uh, PC magazines that came with CD-ROMs, and the CD-ROMs had demos of games on them.

Dick : Mmhm.

Maddox : Or, sometimes they would just send them to you, like, Play- like, Sony would send out demos and let people play a level or two, and I LOVED that. That's how I got excited about video games! I would play them, they were really good, they were really polished; they gave me a sample - a taste of the game. And then I wanted to go out and buy the full game! No more! Now they're SELLING you the demo, and then hoping you'll buy the full game! Well, fuck you, I'm not buying SHIT. sold me a full game, I expect a full game. End of story.

Dick : How rampant is this, though? 'Cause there's some, like - I only...I only know what you're talkin' about a little bit, and it's never seemed that egregious to me. Like, it's always seemed like additional content - like it doesn't seem like a broken TV when you got it. It seemed like, here's a whole game, and now you're buying extra levels - you're buying a dumb hat, or whatever - after the fact.

Maddox : Yeah. No, it, it's pretty egregious. There was one game, I forget the name of it but they sold the ending to the game...oh, I think was, uh...uh, Akura's Wrath or something like that? Some Akuma's Wrath? Somethin' like that. It was a Capcom game, where if you wanted the ending to the game, you had to pay additional money to *see* how it ended. (indignant)

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : Fuck you! How 'bout that?! Here's how it's gonna end: me unplugging it and throwing my fucking PlayStation out the window! Good fucking ending to your bullshit-ass game AND the end of the video game industry. Like, if this continues, this is gonna KILL the video game industry.

Dick : Well, I feel like it, uhh, it's actually defined the app industry.

Maddox : What's that...

Dick : Like, so many - this DLC, what you're talkin' about, like...

Maddox : (interjects) Yeah.

Dick : ...downloadable content is the same to me as in-app purchases.

Maddox : Well, it depends...

Dick : Like - Oh really. (doubtful)

Maddox : Well, for example - give me an example of what you're thinking of.

Dick : Well, I got this, like, guitar app, that has like, guitar tablature, and they are ALWAYS hitting you up for shit that should be in the app in the first place. Like, pay 2 bucks, and like then you'll get a toggle that will stretch the guitar tablature to the right size. (Maddox exhales in frustration) Do you - Sean, do you have that app? I think it's like, 'The Ultimate Guitar App.'

Sean : I have, like, one tuner on my iPhone and that's it.

Dick : Yeah. And it's - and they charge for that, they have an in-app purchase for that but it's so fuckin' frustrating because it's like, man, this should...there's a very clear line between something that is a feature that could just be, like, a nice little feature to throw in...

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : ...and something that's completely different from the basic functionality of the app.

Maddox : Yeah. You know what these publishers - what they used to do is they just released the full software, like Microsoft is really bad about this. They used to just release the operating system with a whole bunch of apps and everything you needed was included.

Dick : Oh, yeah.

Maddox : But then, some marketing dickhead got involved, some business shitwad from fuckin' Brigham Young University got involved, and said, "Hey, you know what? All this shit that you're giving away for free, we could charge extra for!" So now, you get this crippled operating system where little - *little* dime and nickel features, like having global hotkeys...which, I know nobody uses because they're all idiots, but I do (Dick laughs) hotkeys is a PREMIUM feature! Oh, really?? Now you're fucking over the ONE customer who might care about this, who might actually tell other people to buy software. Hey, Dickhead Microsoft, this is exactly - I'm, I'm talkin' to Microsoft right now.

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : When we have to install operating systems on our parents' computer, guess who's gonna install it?? The people you're FUCKIN' over! And if you're fuckin' us over, we're not gonna install your bullshit operating system! Quit selling us shit after the fact - sell us the complete product, end of story. Now - here's, here's...

Dick : (interjects) Switch to Mac! That's what you're saying, right? (Sean laughs in the background)

Maddox : Ohh, fuck Mac -

Dick : You gotta switch to Mac! (cracking up)

Maddox : (angrily chokes on words) Apple is just one...long...string of post-purchases. That's all Apple is.

Dick : Yeah. (amused)

Maddox : Yeah. So, anyway, here's where it really becomes a problem. Some companies let you buy *advantages* after the game has come out!

Dick : ...The fuck is that?

Maddox : So, for example, Battlefield 3? There's a Kit Shortcut Bundle. Have you heard of this?

Dick : You can like,, cheats?

Maddox : Ye-uh, no, you're buying -

Dick : (interjects) You can cheat with money?

Maddox : No, you can buy the weapons! You can buy the weapons that you have to EARN in the game! There's - here's - lemme read you what this gives you...

Dick : (interjects) Ohh, I'm for this though.

Maddox : Yeah, fuck you, Dick!

Dick : Go ahead, read it - but I am.

Maddox : Yeah, here's what it is: it unlocks all 39 weapons and gadgets for 2,000 Microsoft poi- uh, excuse me. It unlocks all weapons and gadgets for 2,000 Microsoft points. Which is approximately 25 dollars. Weapons are normally unlocked by earning experience while playing as different classes. So instead of earning the weapons in the game, whoever's richest can just have all the fucking weapons! You want - you want to unlock the secret level on Konami, you wanna get extra 30 lives? Here you go, just pay for it, dickhead!

Dick : Noo, no, no, I'm for this because I don't have the kind of time that I used to have to earn all this shit, man. (Maddox groans) Like I want to enjoy it - like, I played Diablo 3 last month...

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : ...and I did like, halfway through and I was like, "Well, there's still...there's alotta cool stuff in this game, guess I'll never get to fuckin' SEE it 'cause I don't have time to sit around all day playing video games like I did as a kid!"

Maddox : Well, you -

Dick : (interjects) Like, what about all of us guys, who just wanna - I'll plunk down 25 bucks to see this stuff, that's not a big deal!

Maddox : That's on TOP of 60 dollars you already paid for the game. So you're paying, what, upwards of 100 dollars for one fucking bullshit game?? Just to see some weapons?!

Dick : Hey, man -

Maddox : (interjects) And if you don't have time, just stop playing video games!

Dick : - that's less than a steak for me. (taunting) What the fuck do I care? (Maddox groans loudly)

Maddox : ...ooooooOOOOHHHHHHHH, you make me so fucking mad!!

Dick : (interjects) Noooo, that's good for, like, the dads of the world out there! Like, the young dads who just wanna - they want the satisfaction of playin' the game, and they don't have the time for it.

Maddox : Great.

Dick : Get the fuck outta here with, that's a problem.

Maddox : You know what, Dick, though? Here's the thing - the people who are using this are rich, snotty, bullshit - bullshit-ass kids whose parents are goin' through a divorce (Dick cackles) and they'll give 'em ANYTHING they want! 'Oh, here you go, here's my credit card, honey! Why don't you go buy your fuckin' weapons pack!" And then you see their scores on the leaderboards, and you'll be like, "Holy shit, this guy's really good!!" NOPE! Not good, just has lotsa money to spend. Just had 25 bucks laying around -

Dick : (interjects) 25 BUCKS is not alotta money to spend for these kids!! (laughing)

Maddox : (interjects) OHHH, 25...come onnnn, it all adds up dude! 25 bucks for this game, 13 bucks for that game, 10 bucks for this game - next thing you know, you're spending a FUCKIN' FORTUNE just...getting things that you should earn! Right?? You're just takin' a shortcut - what about ge- what about paying for grades, huh?! Why don't you just like, fuckin', uh, create a pay-for-grades system? (Dick laughs) Richest people should just be able to get whatever they want!

Dick : Suuuure, I GUESS so! (hysterical laughter)

Maddox : GREAT.

Dick : Oh, I'm fine with paying for grades! (Maddox growls angrily)

Maddox : NyaaaAAHHHHH, you make me so fuckin' - I wanna SCRATCH MY EYES OUT right now.

Dick : What does it matter with paying for grades?! I KNEW IT! YOU HAVE AN AGENDA AGAINST RICH PEOPLE, I FUCKIN' KNEW IT! (Maddox cracks up) I called it three episodes ago!! (yelling)

Maddox : NO, because -

Dick : (interjects, yelling) YES I FUCKIN' DID, didn't I?!?!

Maddox : No, I know you said that, but it's not fucking true! I just get so MAD because's an unfair advantage, I want people to just be on a level playing field.

Dick : I CAUGHT YOU, YOU SNAKE IN THE GRASS!! (Maddox laughs) What did these people do to you?! What did they fuckin' - is some rich kid out there kicking your ass on some video game that just pissed you off??

Maddox : Oh, I'll tell you what, though. This has - this has nothin' to do with DLC, but I was once playing Call of Duty 4, a LONG time ago. And I swore off all the Call of Duty games, 'cause they're all the same bullshit, and it PISSES me off...(Dick giggles hysterically)...Anyway, I was playing - (cracks up) - I was playing one night with this 13 year-old kid, and this kid was fucking cheating! He was shooting through walls, and so I sat up all night -

Dick : (interjects) How do ya know??

Maddox : - 'cause I was standing at - in a corner, and bullet came and hit me! I was standing at a fuckin' corner in a, in a closed room!

Dick : How do you know he wasn't, like, sneakin' arou- like, crawling under you or something?

Maddox : 'Cause you can see where they are on the map, and they're on the other fuckin' side of the map! Sniping me through walls?! Get fucked! That's bullshit, he was cheating! Anyway, so I sat there all night gettin' in this kid's head. And he was just like...

Dick : (interjects) This is great. (gleeful) This is great!

Maddox : ...he was callin' me gay, every other word - like he just, "Gay, gay, gay, gay, gay." (Dick laughs in amazement) That's all he's got, right? It's like a 13 year-old's insult. And then I was like, *really* gettin' in his head. I was like, "Hey man, that's a pretty nice PC you got there, huh? This game just came out - how do you run this game?" He goes, "My PC'S awesome!" I'm like, "Wooow. run a game like this, you musta spent at least, like, 1200 to 1500 dollars on your PC, upwards of 2000 with the video card. What kind of video card ya got?" And he, you know, he's startin' to brag...I'm like, "Wow, that's really expensive. So um...parents must be goin' through a divorce, huh?" (Dick continues to laugh incredulously) He's like, "Ugh, how'd you know??" I'm like, "Yeah. Because...your parents don't love you enough." And then...(laughs)...and then finally after hours and hours of gettin' in this kid's head - got him to sign off. 6 AM. I felt like a hero. 30 year-old...beat a 13 year-old. I felt so good.

Dick : Uh, you'd make -

Sean : Maybe he was just *really* tired, after all those hours (Dick and Maddox burst out laughing) and he just went to bed on his own accord, you know?

Dick : Yeah, maybe he had a job the next day he had to get up for.

Maddox : Nawww, you idiots. No. That was awesome.

Dick : Maddox, I really gotta say, I think you are PERFECT for Fantasy Football, with the level of petty childishness you're displaying - fighting a *13 year-old* over the internet at video games.

Maddox : Um....

Dick : You're like the Teenage Hannibal Lecter.

Maddox : No, this was - (cracks up) - this was not just a battle on the video game front, it was a battle on the psychological front. And I won.

Dick : Hey, I got a question for you.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Speaking of downloadable content...

Maddox : Sure.

Dick :, what do I remember, what was it called? What was the downloadable content for the Alphabet of Manliness? What was the addendum that was sold attached to that?

Maddox : There was none.

Dick : I think there was!! (Maddox laughs) I remember -

Maddox : (interjects) You know, I...okay -

Dick : - I remember you having a bestselling book called The Alphabet of Manliness. (ironic tone) And then I remember coming out again with additional - that was 'Longer and Harder.'

Maddox : Yeah. Alright, dickhead. (Dick laughs) So -

Dick : (interjects) And it had some additional content! I think I remember that!!

Maddox : No, but - here's, here's what I told fans on book tours. So, any time I went on book tour and people would bring the book to me, and they said, "Hey Maddox, I have the original edition. Should I buy this new edition?" And I said, "No." (Dick laughs) I said, "You can sit down in a bookstore..." Yeah. I'm sure, uh, I'm sure the publisher loves THIS. But I, I said, "You can sit down in a's about 40 additional pages of content. If you - if that's valuable to you, if you actually want that for a collector's edition -" - like, because it does have like, some extra art and things like that - that was all stuff that was produced after the fact, and it's all new content. It's not stuff that I wrote and then left out of the book. It wasn't stuff I'd left on the chopping floor.

Dick : Okay.

Maddox : So the publisher came to me, and they wanted to do this extended edition. Originally, the idea I'd pitched to them was, "Hey guys, let's do a flip book, where on the front - on one side is the Alphabet of Manliness, and on the flip side is the Alphabet of Womanliness."

Dick : No, I remember this pitch - that's a GREAT idea!

Maddox : Thank you! Yeah! That's -

Dick : Yeah. That's one of my favorite ideas that you've ever had.

Maddox : Thank you! And it was gonna be a flip book, so on the other side it was the Alphabet of Womanliness: As Told by a Man.

Dick : Right.

Maddox : So, it was going to be just kind of like, a -

Dick : (interjects) I mean, 'man', like a, quote, "MAN" who argues with 13 year-old kids on the internet. (Sean bursts out laughing in the background) I dunno if you could say -

Maddox : (buzzer sound effect) (interjects) Fuck you, Dick. (Dick laughs) (booing sound effect) Piece of shit. Make me so fuckin' mad. (surly tone) I'm gonna gouge my eyes out and then I'm gonna gouge yours out.

Dick : Hahaha! 'Kay.

Maddox : Blind.

Dick : You should reverse the order. (Sean agrees from the background)

Maddox : Nope. I'm gonna...(laughs) I'm gonna attack you blind.

Dick : You're gonna do yours first, anyway.

(Maddox and Dick both laughing)

Maddox : I don't need my senses. I don't need all my senses.

Dick : You're like a - like a ninja.

Maddox : Yeah, like in, uh...Ninja Scroll. The blind guy...So anyway, um...uh, so, yeah. The Alphabet of Manliness, the Extended Edition, I - I actually told people, I'm like, "Hey guys, you already own this book. If you want it just for the collector's sake or whatever, you like the cover better, go ahead. But if you sit down in a bookstore you could read it for free." Uh, so. There it is. Um, and it's not the idea I wanted, that's the - that's the idea the publisher came up with. The publisher, by the way, tells you nothing! I didn't even know there was a paperback edition of my book until somebody emailed me, and they were like, "Hey Maddox, what's, uh, what's the difference between the red and the yellow cover of your paperback?" I said, "I didn't even fuckin' know I had a - "

Dick : You had a paperback?

Maddox : Yeah, it's in paperback!

Dick : I didn't know that.

Maddox : Yeah, and they made two alternate covers because of an argument that I made with the publisher - oh MAN, this pisses me off. Okay...we'll uh, end on this, I know we're runnin' out of time - but um, when the publisher -

Dick : You want - you can, you wanna bring it in next time as a problem? Or do you wanna get this rant outta your system?

Maddox : Naw, I'll just get it out, 'cause it's not a whole, a whole problem. The publisher came to me and they said, "Hey Maddox, we wanna do this new edition of the book." Originally I told 'em, Alphabet of Womanliness as a flipbook. They said no. So, then they said - then they said, "Okay, well you can change the cover if you want, do whatever you want." I said, "Okay, great! I wanna make a blue cover so it's distinct from the previous book." They said no. They said, "What we wanna do is put a starburst on there that says, 'New Additional Content.'"

Dick : (laughing) Jesus, Christ.

Maddox : Like, literally, the quote was, "New Additional Content." I wrote back to them and I said-

Dick : Right on brand!

Maddox : Yeah!

Dick : Ya nailed it. (sarcastic)

Maddox : (laughing) You nailed it!

Dick : You fuckin' nailed it.

Maddox : Yeah. So I went - I wrote back to them, I said, "Uh, NO. We're not going to put a STARBURST on my book." And he said, "Why not?" And I said, "Because it's not a fucking detergent! This is a BOOK!" (Dick laughs) "We should make it at least on point with a brand or, you know, in the same theme or whatever." And...oh, man. (annoyed)

Dick : I can't believe this was a fight because I have both of your books and I actually like that the blue one is blue.

Maddox : Yeah! Right?

Dick : Like, it's just cool.

Maddox : It's cool! It's distinct.

Dick : 'Cause it makes the red one look more special.

Maddox : It does! And the red one, it's very distinct. Just at a glance, you can tell which is which.

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : And they wanted the exact same cover, just with a starburst on it. I'm like, "You guys are morons." So, anyway we went back and forth and finally I broke down with the publisher...I, I was so pissed off. I still have a vein in my head...(Dick laughs)...I remember the day I got this vein, it popped while I was at the gym 'cause I was telling my trainer about how PISSED OFF I was (Dick giggles robustly) and then he goes, "Hey man, is that...has that always been there?" I'm like, "" And now I got this vein on the side of my head. Swear to god, that's what - that's the day I got it. Um...I told the publisher, I said, "Hey, has any...have you ever had any other book duplicate my success on Amazon? Hit number one on Amazon for over two weeks in pre-orders alone. Because if you have, let's do what you did for that book! 'Cause if not, shut the fuck up and let me market my book to my own fans. Those FUCKING idiots. I was a fight the entire time.

Dick : That argument WORKED??

Maddox : Oh yeah.

Dick : Wow!

Maddox : Why wouldn't it?

Dick : Well, they threw you - I dunno, 'cause it's so full of obscenities. (Dick and Maddox laugh) It's so bullying.

Maddox : Well, I didn't know, it was a little bullying, but I didn't, uh, I didn't actually cuss at the publisher.

Dick : Good! Fuck 'em.

Maddox : Yeah. Nawww, that pissed me off, man. That whole thing pissed me off. Now I'm in a great mood. I wanna just punch the wall. (surly tone)

(brief pause)

Dick : So, what are our problems for this week? (Maddox laughs) I've got, uh, Cold, cold lasers, fuck cold lasers, what's next, we're all payin' for healing crystals and acupuncture and prayer?

Maddox : And uh, bundles of sage, twigs of sage, yeah.

Dick : Yeah.

Maddox : Yeah. Power crystals and, and uh, remote therapeutic healing? Have you heard of that one?

Dick : Reiki? I have heard of that one.

Maddox : Yeah.

Dick : Yeah! I sure have! Sean, have you heard of that? Have you heard of Reiki?

Sean : I've heard of that, and he was talkin' about, uh, I think there's something called Therapeutic Touch, too, that's - that's equally bullshit.

Maddox : Uh-huh.

Sean : That's actually touching you, and Reiki's know, you could be or maybe not be in the same state or country. You're just 'sendin' out good viiibes,' man.

Maddox : Yeah. You can do it over YouTube videos, by the way. People make YouTube videos about this.

Dick : See, if they could put that -

Sean : It's colossally stupid.

Maddox : Mmhm.

Dick : If they could put that in a machine, though, THEN you could get your health insurance to cover it, I think.

Maddox : Hey, this is a big problem, we gotta bring it in sometime. Uhh, what's your second one?

Dick : My second one was, uh, Missing Your Fantasy *fuckin'* Football Draft.

Maddox : (sound clip of man saying, "Well, that's unfortunate.") Woah, big problem.

Dick : Go ahead. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox : So, my -

Dick : (interjects) Go ahead before your vein blows. (Maddox laughs more)

Maddox : My problems this week are Game Pre-Purchases and Game Post-Purchases, or DLC. So.

Dick : Alright!

Maddox : That's it. (closing riff starts)

Dick : Go vote!

Maddox : Yeah, don't forget to vote on the website, I'm Maddox.

Dick : This is Dick Masterson. Hey, leave us a voicemail!

Maddox : Thanks guys.