The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 14
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock(Theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hello! (brightly)
Maddox: So today we have a very special guest with us - I have The Alphabet of Manliness illustrator, Leah Tiscione with us!
Leah: Hi!
Dick: Hey!
Maddox: (applause sound effect) Leah, thank you for being with us today. Leah is a very talented illustrator -
Dick: (interjects) AND hot.
Leah: (chuckles modestly) Oh, GOD.
Dick: Have you...have you ever been told that before?
Leah: No…
Dick: Or is it - well...
Maddox: I have, Dick.
Dick: ...it's true!
Leah: No.
Maddox: I get told all the time.
Dick: Just for the people listening, I just want them to know that! (Leah laughs)
Leah: Thank you! Well, I have been told by various grandparents that I'm...that I'm, you know, "cute." But that's it.
Maddox: Are your grandparents cute?
Leah: ...They're dead. So yes! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Um. So -
Dick: (interjects) You look like a hot version of Sarah Silverman. Is that accurate?
Leah: Oh my...god! (good-naturedly) Uh -
Dick: Do you think that, Maddox? Do you think that's accurate?
Maddox: I think Sarah Silverman's a hot version of Sarah Silverman.
Leah: Yeah. She's - I would agree.
Maddox: Right? She's got a little somethin'. She's got somethin' goin' on. She's pretty hot.
Leah: Yeah, she's funny.
Maddox: Plus, you know she sat on Jimmy Kimmel's face, so that's kinda hot.
Dick: Ohhkay... (quietly; disgusted) (Leah laughs)
Maddox: I mean, she had to have, at some point. So, I just wanna mention, uh, Leah has this incredible body of work. She's been working on -- We've worked together for a long time.
Dick: (interjects) That's what *I* was talkin' about! (laughs hysterically)
Leah: Just - (laughs) - yeah, cut off the "work" part!
Maddox: Dick, very respectful. Our very first ever guest...right out the gates...
Dick: (interjects) You work out a lot, right?
Leah: Uhh....oh. "Do I WORK OUT a lot"? Really?? (amused) (Dick laughs)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Let's focus on the important body of work, here.
Dick: Okay, what? What.
Maddox: So (laughs) she...she's actually working with - uh, how do you pronounce his name? Dino Stama...Stam...Stamopoulos?
Leah: Oh, my god. Uh, Dino Stamatopoulos.
Maddox: Dino Stamatopoulos! And, they are working on a graphic novel together called Trent. It's a musical graphic novel, so it's a graphic novel that has an accompanying musical element, and they're probably gonna work on a TV show afterwards. But, uh, this is something you've been workin on -
Leah: (interjects) Or...yeah. Or just probably extend the series of novels, or - he wants to do a stop-animation movie about it.
Maddox: So, Dino, if you guys don't -
Dick: (interjects) That's cool!
Maddox: - yeah! For those who aren't familiar, Dino created the show Moral Orel, and...what else? He's worked on a number of things for Cartoon Network and Adult Swim.
Leah: Yeah - Frankenhole, um...
Maddox: Yeah, Frankenhole, he created Frankenhole.
Dick: That's a good show!
Leah: ...Drinky Crow...
Dick: Do you watch that show?
Maddox: I've seen it, but I don't watch it.
Dick: Oh, it's pretty funny.
Maddox: Yeah.
Leah: Yeah, he's written for a LOT.
Maddox: Yeah. So, they're working together right now, and as I mentioned earlier, Leah illustrated the "Boners" chapter for The Alphabet of Manliness -
Leah: Ahhh. (nostalgically)
Maddox: - as well as the "Knockers"... (Dick starts clapping) (applause sound effect)
Leah: Best assignment I've ever had!
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, and uh, boners, of course... ('sproing' [boner] sound effect) (Maddox and Leah laugh)
Dick: Can I ask how you guys met? That's a long time ago. I mean, that's like -
Leah: Yeah, ten years ago! I was a deranged fan that flew to Utah to meet this guy.
Dick: Wooooah!
Leah: And he - yeah! He didn't - he wasn't scared! It actually happened, so...
Dick: He wasn't scared of a hot girl flying into his hometown? (wryly) (Maddox and Leah laugh)
Maddox: I - I had no idea what...
Dick: (interjects) Who already loved him?
Maddox: Yeah, I had no idea what -
Dick: (interjects) WOW. What a weirdo. (sarcastic)
Maddox: No. I had no idea what she looked like - she sent me an email a long time ago and said, "Hey, I'm a big fan, we should do a comic book together! And, uh, can I send you some samples?" And I thought, "Okay, sure..." And I expected to never hear from her again.
Dick: Right.
Maddox: And then two weeks later, she sent me this *beautifully* illustrated article of mine that she interpreted -
Leah: Aww. (modestly)
Maddox: - the "X-Treme Marketing" one.
Leah: Yeah.
Maddox: And it was awesome - we actually included it in the comic that we made together, The Best Comic in the Universe, uh, which is available online. And that was - it just was mind-blowing. So we decided to work together, so we've had a working relationship and a friendship for over TEN years now, and -
Dick: (interjects) Is the friendship mostly you talking and her sitting there listening? 'Cause that's - I mean, seems like a great friendship. (cracks up) (Leah laughs)
Maddox: Okay, Dick...
Leah: God, you're such a DICK! (teasing)
Maddox: Yeah, right? Thank you.
Dick: No, I'm sorry for interrupting.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: But - can I interrupt you for one second? (sheepishly) (Maddox and Leah laugh) What then, what then? What then?
Maddox: So I just, I -
Dick: (interjects) So you flew in - what did you think of him when you flew in, and - did he line up to what you were expecting after reading him on the internet for so long?
Leah: Uhh, he was...he was disappointingly nicer, I thought - I was a little disappointed. I thought he would be a total dick.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm told that a lot. (Leah laughs) By a lot of fans - they meet me, they're like, "Hey Maddox, you're...why're you so nice to me?" I'm like, "Well, you haven't given me a reason to be a dick to you." I mean, I CAN be, but I'm a dick to dicks so why would I be an asshole to somebody who's - someone comes up to me and they're like, "Hey man, I'm a big fan!" What am I supposed to do, punch 'em in the face? Like, okay. (cracking up) (Leah laughs) Then I'm just an asshole I rail about.
Leah: I've given you a lot of reasons since to be mad at me. So.
Maddox: Well, that's true. (laughs)
Leah: It's come out. It's come out SINCE, but...
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: How did the stay go? Do you guys remember your first night?
Maddox: Yes... (Leah laughs) ...yes, actually. This is a funny story.
Leah: Yeah!
Maddox: So, I had a girlfriend at the time, and -
Dick: (interjects) Why are you blushing so much? [to Leah] Look at you...
Maddox: Ohh. (Sean laughs in the background)
Leah: 'Cause I... (flustered) ...because, first podcast, and you're so cute, with your -
Dick: OHHHHHH. (amused)
Maddox: Oh my...GOD.
Leah: - with your little bun!
Dick: Ohhhhh, HERE we go! Okay!
Maddox: Oh. BARF.
Leah: I'm not sayin' what KIND of cute. Like - "my mom" cute. 'Cause you have, like, your hair's up done in a bun...
Dick: Thanks. I'll take it.
Maddox: (negative 'sproing' sound effect) That's me, guys. (laughs)
Dick: Look, just - uh, one thing, just in case you're nervous: don't think about it, just...don't think about the number of downloads we get. 'Cause you said it last week - what did you say? It was like 30,000?
Maddox: About 30,000 per episode. And these are some important statistics - I looked into it, just out of curiosity, to see what the average podcast got for downloads. What would you guess, Leah? How many downloads does the average podcast get in 30 days?
Leah: I don't know. (under her breath) ...uh, 90?
Dick: Good guess! That's a good guess. Pretty close.
Maddox: That's actually pretty close, yeah! It's about 140.
Leah: Oh!
Maddox: So if you get 1,000 to 3,000 downloads per month, you're in the top 10 percent of all podcasts. We are getting 30,000 per month. We're almost in the top 1 percent - the top 1 percent get 50,000 or more downloads, we're getting 30,000 per episode right out of the gates.
Leah: This is a little self-congratulatory, I think.
Maddox: Oh, of course!
Leah: Yeah. I think -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah. You're talkin' to the guy who owns The Best Page in the Universe. (Leah laughs)
Dick: Yeah.
Leah: Yeah, what am I talkin' about? You're right!
Dick: I only brought it up 'cause I wanted to say, like, "Don't be nervous; you're just having a conversation with two guys in front of all of Dodger Stadium."
Leah: Okay! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: So don't - you know.
Leah: Alright! Alright.
Maddox: Oh, so let me finish that story real quick. Um, I had a girlfriend at the time, and she was super jealous and intimidated of Leah -
Dick: (interjects) Who wouldn't be?
Maddox: Yeah, because she's -
Dick: (interjects) What girlfriend WOULDN'T be? (Leah laughs humbly)
Maddox: She's attractive and talented. And so when I asked her to take a picture of us - you know, just as fans or whatever - she took a picture of us and she cropped our heads out of the photo. (Leah and Dick laugh) And I looked at the preview, and I'm like, "Oh, uh, honey, you *accidentally* cropped our heads out of the photo." And she goes, "Oh, okay. Lemme do another one." So she took a correct photo of us...then, when we were setting up her bedding, 'cause she was gonna crash with us -
Leah: (interjects) The pillow incident.
Maddox: - the pillow, yeah. I asked her to hand me the pillow and she took it and she just TOSSED it right against my chest as hard as she could and she goes, "HERE you go!" (imitating her frustration)
Leah: Yeahhh, that was...you could taste the anger in the room.
Maddox: Yeah. But they've since become friends and everything, so it's fine. But uh, yeah, that's -
Dick: (interjects) Really? Friends, for real?
Leah: Yeah! No, I love her. She's great.
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah, even though we're not dating anymore, so there's that. Anyway, I just wanna mention real quick, too, Leah also illustrates for The New York Post and Sky & Telescope Magazine.
Leah: Yeah.
Maddox: So, incredible body of work. Thank you for being with us. Um, let's move on to the comments -
Dick: (interjects) Really a great illustrator.
Leah: Thanks, man!
Dick: Uh - no no no, let's hear, who won?! Who won last week?
Maddox: Oh, yeah. Very important. Okay, so the number one problem - and thankfully so - is Female Genital Mutilation.
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: That DESERVES to be a problem.
Dick: Yeah, it just wasn't that funny!
Maddox: Dick, that's not the POINT! (Leah and Dick laugh) We cover real topics sometimes. Well, I try to, anyway. And then Beats By Dre - speaking of real topics - and, followed by Monkey Copyrights...
Dick: Okay!
Maddox: ...that was a good problem. And finally, The Death of Phone Calls. And by the way - this is the first time ever, I think, that we've had all four problems in the positive territory for votes.
Dick: Oh! Cool.
Maddox: So, yeah! We did a great job -
Dick: (interjects) I gotta apologize to you about the Beats thing. Um, because I thought...I was saying that they looked cool, and I actually saw this -- I was at the doctor's office and I saw this punk-ass kid walk in - off Beverly Hills, like in the Beverly Hills area - he walked in with his mom. He was bein' a little shit, and the Beats just looked WAY cheaper than I thought they looked.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Like, this kid was wearing Beats, he was a little asshole, and the Beats looked like garbage. I don't know if it was HIM ruining it -
Maddox: Mmhm.
Dick: - like, I saw somebody who was a loser wearing them - but I thought they looked cool, I take it back. They look like shit.
Maddox: Dick, how much does an iPad cost?
Dick: Oh, like 800 bucks?
Maddox: 800 bucks, okay. And most netbooks cost around 400 dollars, right?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: So a netbook that has a CPU, RAM, a hard drive, a monitor, a keyboard - that costs as much as ONE set of headphones.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That's stupid. You're just payin' for the brand. It's ridiculous.
Leah: Oh my gosh.
Maddox: Yeah, it's 400 dollars for a pair of Beats!
Dick: Yeah, but Leah, if it looked good, it's worth it. Right?
Leah: Uh, I don't know anything about that.
Maddox: Great. (satisfied)
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: Great. Okay, let's...you have some comments, right?
Dick: I got comments. This one is from...Curt. "Dick, I will pay you 20 dollars to punch Maddox right in the dick."
Maddox: GREAT.
Dick: So...
Leah: (interjects) I vote "yes."
Maddox: Why don't you guys -
Dick: (interjects) There's no voting, it's 20 bucks! (Leah laughs) This guy says "I will put my PayPal info up online," and...you better watch yourself, buddy. (grinning)
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: You got a dick punch comin' right for you!
Maddox: It's a fist-fight, then. (Dick laughs) You got a return dick punch. And Curt's gotta pay both of us.
Dick: This guy -
Maddox: (interjects) You know what, FUCK Curt! (Leah laughs) I'm gonna pay...I'm gonna pay you, well, ZERO dollars - we're gonna fly out to Curt's house and punch HIM in the face. How 'bout that, Curt?
Dick: Okay! That sounds fair.
Maddox: Idiot.
Dick: Cyril Tighe says, "Maddox definitely listens to Wagner." Is that true?
Maddox: Uh, not a huge fan. Not a huge fan of Wagner.
Dick: Why not?
Maddox: Just, uh, not my jam. I don't...it's neither dark enough nor is it quiet enough that I can concentrate while I'm working. Maybe I just haven't heard the right piece.
Dick: I think you would find Wagner, specifically, presumptuous.
Maddox: Yeah, probably.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: You mean pretentious?
Dick: Pretentious.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, I have a comment from George Lightchild - stupid last name... (Leah laughs) ...uh, cool first name. Oh, he's Greek...I think so. Anyway, he says - he posted a link to an ABC News article that says, "'The clear winner in the tally was the telephone...'" So, he posted a link that talked about how people who use phone conversations lie. This is interesting. He said that - [continues quoting comment] "'...in the tally was the telephone, which was involved in 37 percent of the deception. Face-to-face conversations included lies 27 percent of the time, and instant messages came in at 21 percent.' Hence if someone calls you they probably want something and are willing to lie, since you won't be able to see their face and unless you record everything there is nothing you can do to prevent them from lying afterwards."
Dick: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah. Okay. No, I -
Maddox: (interjects) Phone calls lead to lies!
Dick: I saw this comin'. But this was my point for The Death of Phone Calls: you can tell if somebody is either boring or totally crazy in TWO SECONDS on the phone with them - that you could NEVER tell in text.
Maddox: No, that's bullshit.
Dick: That was my...that was totally my point -
Maddox: (interjects) Dick, AND... (indignant)
Dick: Go ahead!
Maddox: ...your point has been superseded by this article with ACTUAL research that just proved you wrong! It said that people lie on the phone, and they DON'T lie through texts! Not as much!
Dick: Nononononono no, that's not what -- (splutters)
Maddox: It's deceptive!
Dick: They ATTEMPT to lie! They attempt to lie! I don't care about lying - I just wanna know if somebody's absolutely bonkers.
Maddox: Okay...
Dick: Which I can tell - like, I can tell right away if a girl is insane on the phone, 'cause she sounds like a 13 year-old!
Maddox: Uh, well...
Leah: Agreed.
Dick: YES! Thank you, Leah! Listen to the way Leah sounds: like a normal woman. (Maddox and Leah laugh) Like an ADULT woman.
Leah: Really?? (amused)
Dick: Immediately, I can tell!
Leah: I haven't spoken much...
Dick: Like a hot woman, actually. (sultry tone) (Leah laughs)
Maddox: Ohh, SHUT -- you...I'm... (disgusted) (Dick laughs hysterically)
Leah: Let's take this outside.
Maddox: I just burped up vomit. Pure vomit. (Leah giggles) Um...
Dick: You know what I'm saying, Leah? If you're talking - like if a guy's texting you, you know absolutely nothing about him. Right? Versus like a two-second phone call with him? If you're talkin' to a new guy, do you talk on the phone with him or are you afraid of the phone, too?
Leah: Uhh, I'm - well, I prefer text, just because you get exactly what you wanna say out.
Maddox: THANK YOU, Leah.
Dick: That's the PROBLEM!!
Maddox: If a guy calls you, he's a creep, right? You wanna talk to some guy on the phone??
Leah: Well, if I reject him first by not texting him back, I don't wanna hear from him on the phone. (starts laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. Take that.
Dick: This sounds familiar. (disheartened) (Leah laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, it sounds VERY familiar, Dick. (amused)
Dick: Sounds like - this sounds familiar.
Maddox: Uh, I got a comment from Garett Miller - he says, "Dick u r chode." (Maddox and Leah burst out laughing)
Dick: Oh, I saw that guy!
Leah: Well said!
Maddox: Somebody afterwards commented on this guy - he goes, "Hey, you got a nice face," and he said somethin' like, "Thanks, I worked on it for 21 years." (everyone cracks up) This is a guy that looks like a total weirdo. Uh, thank you, Garett Miller. And one last comment I got, I wanna mention - it's from Anthony Mollison. He posted this on The Biggest Problem in the Universe Facebook page. He posted a picture of T.I., the rapper, and he says, "Why does Dick look like a white version of T.I.?" And this is so spot-on, I'm gonna post this on the website. It's hilarious.
Dick: Mmkay.
Maddox: And here, Leah, if you wanna take a look at that... (Leah cracks up after a brief pause)
Dick: Does he look cool?
Leah: Uh, you don't have the pencil pedo-stache that he does, but other than that, yeah.
Dick: I could grow one! Do you like that?
Maddox: Ohh...JESUS. (Dick laughs hysterically)
Leah: Umm...no. I'm actually not gonna say!
Maddox: I have, like - I don't know if I should have a boner right now? Like, this is so gross and weird...
Leah: No! *I* don't!
Dick: If you don't have one, Leah will draw you one.
Maddox: Thank you -- YES.
Leah: Ohh, yeah!
Dick: Allllright. You wanna get to...what do we got next? You have any more comments?
Maddox: I just wanna mention - no, uh, no more comments - but I just did wanna mention something. Just a little bit of business we need to get out of the way. So...a couple things. First of all, I've had a lot of commenters mention that they are deaf, and they want to listen to the podcast but obviously they can't because of hearing impairment. So we have been toying with the idea of getting somebody to transcribe these episodes for us. I had a fan reach out to us...her name's Laurie, and she's been very gracious to transcribe one of the episodes. We did it as a test run - Episode #7 - we'll probably have that up this week, the transcription for it. However, this takes her about 5 to 6 hours to transcribe each episode, and she does a really good job. But I don't believe in having people do free work, and I want to pay them. So at some point, we're probably gonna have to talk about generating some revenue from this - the podcast, which may include some kind of limited sponsorship, OR possibly creating a bonus episode for purchase by the fans. So we're gonna put that out to you guys and see which idea you guys prefer, because we want to - and also, we wanna cover the hosting costs. This has actually become wildly successful...Dick, do you have any idea how many terabytes of data we're transferring?
Dick: No I do, because when we first did this, I had it up on Amazon for like 3 days and I think my hosting bill was like, 80 bucks by the time I transferred it over to Libsyn.
Maddox: Yeah. And that's just for the podcast hosting, not counting the web server that we're hosting, which is 70 dollars.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: And then it just keeps increasing every month because we use more resources, more memory, more bandwidth...so we have to eventually pay these. And, you know, it's been a struggle because I've always been against ads, but I don't put ads on my website because I still want that to be a censorship-free environment. But if we DID consider any kind of limited advertising, it would be from sponsors where we made sure that it was not going to be a conflict of interest with what we wanna say on the show.
Dick: Yeah...man, honestly I would just like to see you have the ability to use money for creative things.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: You know? Like your book was cool, when you got to pay all those people to illustrate it, and bind it - it was like a whole thing.
Maddox: And here we are in the room with one of 'em!
Leah: I like that!
Maddox: So, yeah.
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: So anyway, just wanted to mention that. But leave a comment on the website, thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com, and we'll think about it. So anyway, uh, Dick -
Dick: (interjects) SPEAKING of people NOT getting paid for their contributions to society, this is my first problem - the biggest problem in the universe - Maddox gets NO credit!
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: So this, uh...what was it, last week, Robin Williams died. Right?
Maddox: Right.
Leah: Yes.
Dick: So ABC News throws up on their home page, "Robin Williams is dead...his family asks for peace and quiet and their privacy during this very difficult time." Same exact page, on the top in a HUGE banner, it says, "Watch aerial helicopter footage LIVE of Robin Williams's house!" Like, the EXACT opposite of what they JUST printed that they asked for. Right?
Maddox: Right.
Dick: So, guess who - the Internet Zorro over here, Maddox (Leah laughs) - takes a screenshot... (Leah starts clapping) ...yeah! ( applause sound effect) Takes a screenshot of this home page...highlights 'Watch aerial footage'...highlights 'The only thing we want during this huge loss is for people to leave us the fuck alone'...draws an arrow to it, and posts it on the front of his website. Right? Within...I dunno, within 24 hours, they issued this huge apology - is that accurate?
Maddox: That's accurate!
Dick: Okay - SO. Here are the - the list of websites that covered this story...uh, lemme see, I got it here somewhere....TheBlaze, Hollywood Reporter, The Huffington Post, The Wrap, Deadline - they ALL have news of this apology, and then like, clips from a guy on Twitter who posted YOUR image!! (yelling) That, thank GOD, you had a watermark on - http://maddox.xmission.com - or you would've got ZERO FUCKING CREDIT for taking one of the biggest news organizations on the PLANET and making them apologize!
Maddox: Thank you -
Dick: (interjects) For doing something HORRIFIC!
Maddox: Yes. Thank you - THANK you, Dick! ('ding!' sound effect)
Leah: Yesss!
Dick: And you got NO credit for it.
Maddox: No credit!
Leah: That's frustrating.
Maddox: And Variety.com posted - when they wrote this article, they said, "A number of different news sources mentioned this discrepancy with ABC News." Apparently, I'm no longer a PERSON; I'm "a number of news sources."
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: It's ONE PERSON, dickhead! It's ME, I created it! And I also - there was somebody on Twitter who, when this whole thing was happening, they started tweeting and they said, "Well, how come this Maddox guy posted this thing and now everybody cares, but I posted it 6 hours ago and nobody cared?" I said, "Hey DICKHEAD, you RETWEETED the image that I created! The reason nobody cares is because I created it, dipshit. (Leah laughs) It was me! It wasn't - you didn't ADD anything to this conversation, you were just retweeting me." And so, while this was going super viral on the internet, on Twitter and Facebook and everything, I decided to start focusing that rage towards the president of ABC News. And that's what eventually -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, really?!
Maddox: Yeah! Everybody was sending him - (cracks up) - sending messages to the president of ABC News. I said, "Hey guys, congratulate the president" - uh, Goldston...I forget his last name - "for doing a bang-up job of covering this Robin Williams story." And due to the pressure from all my fans coming down on him, they finally issued an apology. And of course, Maddox gets no credit.
Dick: (interjects) It was a bullshit apology, too!
Maddox: It WAS a bullshit apology!!
Dick: The apology was basically, "We found this link to not have, uh, news..."
Maddox: "News value." Any value, yeah.
Dick: "...news value." Yeah!
Maddox: So they essentially apologized for not making money from this aerial coverage of Robin Williams's home. And you know, what's the best possible scenario?? What's the best-case scenario that they could *possibly* hope for with aerial coverage?
Dick: That like, Robin Williams sneaks out the back of the house? (Maddox and Leah laugh) And they're like, "OH, HE'S ALIVE, actually! He faked his death!!"
Maddox: That'd be incredible, but you know what they REALLY -
Dick: (interjects) You asked! You asked.
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: I'm not insensitive for saying that, you asked.
Maddox: No no, of course.
Leah: They're trying to find weeping, sad people? Is that what they were trying to find?
Maddox: Possibly. But I'm gonna get really dark, here -
Dick: (interjects) I think it's safe to ASSUME that they were.
Maddox: Well, that's what they were hoping for. But I'm gonna get really cynical here...I think they were waiting for a body bag to come out of the house.
Dick: Oh, you're absolutely right!
Leah: So fucked up.
Maddox: That's what they wanted! They wanted that shot of the body bag, they wanted that dramatic image...and of course, Robin Williams's family, they're just inside the home fucking CRYING, because their FATHER passed away, their HUSBAND passed away, their FRIEND passed away. From DEPRESSION. And these fucking vultures -
Dick: (interjects) And Parkinson's, dude. (winces) Did you see that?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, they hadn't even announced it at that time!
Dick: Ohh, MAN. That's brutal.
Maddox: His body's still warm, assholes! And they're sitting in the sky, like - with metal vultures, just sitting there, watching the house with their telescopic lenses looking for that body bag. They just want that shot of that body bag, these vultures.
Dick: Yeah...I mean, that is what it is. The part that bothers me is that it woulda taken anybody about 10 seconds to see that Twitter guy's image, with YOUR website on it, to GO to your website and say, "Oh, yeah! This guy obviously is the one who figured it out and broke the news."
Maddox: Yeah, and comedian Bill Burr retweeted it, Jim Norton from the Opie and Anthony Show retweeted it, uh...what's his name, Joe Rogan retweeted it - it went around everywhere, like everybody...it was even on the Huffington Post! My nemesis. (Sean laughs in the background) These IDIOTS.
Leah: Yeah, but if you bring it up at the time, while it's a sensitive subject, you seem self-centered - like, "I'm trying to promote MYself by making a stink of, 'Nobody's giving me credit.'" You know what I mean?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Yeah, that's why I brought it up. (sarcastic)
Maddox: Yeah! (Dick cackles)
Leah: Okay. (chuckles)
Maddox: Dick brought it up for that reason. Of course, yeah - I can't, I can't...and honestly, my number one goal was just to get this out there. Because I've actually met Robin Williams a couple of times -- I had the honor of sharing the stage with him at UCB Theatre in Los Angeles. We didn't actually do a scene together, but he was on the same stage at the same time, which to me was a huge honor. I never thought in a MILLION years I'd be standing on the same stage with Robin Williams! But this guy was just such a gracious dude, a nice guy - and people always say, "Well, why do you care about a celebrity death?" And I generally don't -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I say that.
Maddox: - yeah, and most people do. But I...I've actually met this guy, and he IS everything that people say about him: a NICE guy, a GRACIOUS guy. And he had no ego about him! He would go drinking with the performers afterwards. He would go next door and sit down and *listen* to you...doesn't matter what walk of life you came from. He asked me what I did for a living, and he asked me how long I've been doing improv, and that sort of thing. And he helped people feel comfortable about themselves, even though he's won an Oscar, and he's been on so many TV shows, and he has this HUGE body of work. He had absolutely no ego about him. ABSOLUTELY great guy.
Leah: Yeah, the same story -
Dick: (interjects) Did you learn anything from that?
Maddox: ...From Robin Williams?
Dick: Yeah, from not having an ego?
Maddox: Nope. (dryly) (starts laughing along with Dick)
Dick: Sorry, Leah, go ahead.
Leah: No, don't worry. (chuckling) No, the same story has been said by many people. It's all...it all checks out. 'Cause everyone says the same thing.
Dick: (interjects) Kinda sick of hearing it, right? Everybody keeps saying how great he was...like, "Oh my god, come on."
Leah: Yeah, I'm totally sick of him, he sucks. (heavily sarcastic) No, of course not! Yeah, he's...he was a beautiful person.
Maddox: Well, if you work at all in the world of comedy, if you do anything of the sort - uh, you have all these people who've had these run-ins with Robin Williams. They've met him backstage, maybe, or just passing on the street, uh...I've heard story after story after story from my friends, who've had personal encounters with Robin Williams. This isn't just a brushing, like they just saw him someplace and they said "hi" to him; he would stop and have a conversation with you, and spend TIME with you. And after his passing, it even came out that he secretly flew out, uh...there was a Make-A-Wish Foundation - this little girl was dying from cancer - her wish was to spend a day with Robin Williams. Well, when he agreed to do it, they found out that she was too sick to travel. So he secretly chartered a jet to her hometown, flew out there, played cards with her all day, watched TV - he even wore a disguise to sneak into the hospital so he wouldn't get mauled, and uh, to kind of surprise the girl. And...
Leah: Wow!
Maddox: ...it just made her day. And she's since passed away, but this is what he - this is the type of effort that he would put in. He paid for this stuff, I think, out of his pocket, so...
Leah: Wow.
Maddox: ...yeah! Just a great dude. Uh, huge loss.
Dick: Well, uhh, okay. But the PROBLEM is *you* not getting enough credit. Robin Williams has gotten enough credit for all this, but who's gonna be talking about the great and powerful MADDOX... (Maddox and Leah laugh) ...when YOU finally kill yourself? (Maddox, Dick, Leah, and Sean all laugh even harder)
Maddox: Uh, you know what would actually make me so happy - and I would promise not to haunt you guys if you did this for me - bring in my corpse. For an episode. Just have my corpse -
Dick: (interjects) For this show? (Leah cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah, of this show. I would be just -
Dick: (interjects) Like Weekend at Bernie's? With a puppet?
Maddox: Exactly.
Maddox: With your mouth?
Maddox: Yeah. Just sitting here, rotting in the corner. (Dick giggles)
Dick: Okay! We could do that.
Maddox: Yeah, I'd still probably be sweating as much. Just anger sweats. (Dick and Leah both giggle) Yeah.
Leah: There'd probably be -
Dick: (interjects) Well, for -- Go ahead.
Leah: Oh, no. (good-naturedly) There'd probably be an aerial view of your...of your funeral.
Maddox: Oh, yeah! (playfully)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: I'LL give 'em somethin' to see. (Leah chuckles)
Dick: We'll FREEZE you and then sit you in the corner, 'cause it's so sweltering in here, to recreate the sweating. So you'll, like, be perspiring condensation.
Maddox: Ohh, yeah! That's very smart, Dick!
Dick: Yeah man, I'm way ahead of you!
Maddox: Yeah, you're a *scientist.*
Leah: Smells great! (sardonic)
Maddox: Yeah. Okay, well, uh -
Dick: (interjects) I mean, it's - the whole...the reason I brought it in is because it seems like that's what everything on the internet does. Like your whole BuzzFeed article - didn't you do an article with BuzzFeed?
Maddox: Sure did!
Dick: It's just a bunch of ripped-off stuff.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Nobody checks where it's from -
Maddox: (interjects) Nobody checks anything, nobody cares!
Dick: - like, "Who made this?"
Maddox: Yeah! And I read one of the comments on Reddit - of course, made it to the front page of Reddit, and some dickfuck just posted it on Imgur! No, IDIOT, this doesn't - and then he posted the source of the image back to Reddit! And it's OBVIOUSLY not the source, because the URL is on the actual fucking image! And then 9GAG... somebody uploaded it to 9GAG, which I think was just 9GAG.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: They just cropped my URL off of it -
Dick: (interjects) I SAW THAT!!! Ohhh, my GOD.
Leah: Ohh, fuuuuck! (exasperated)
Maddox: These cheesedicks!
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Look, but ultimately, as pissed off as I get about that stuff - and that's how, originally, my "I am better than your kids" article went viral; somebody posted it, and then they took credit off of it and they just STOLE my material, stole my content - but as pissed off as I get about that shit...honestly, sincerely, I am just glad that ABC pulled the fucking helicopters from Robin Williams's home -
Dick: (interjects) OHH, STOP with this -- (Leah laughs) Oh GOD, shut up, we get it!! He's great, you're great, everyone's fuckin' GREAT! What, Sean? You got some kind of a drop-in? Everyone loves the Sean drop-ins. What do you got to say?
Maddox: Nothin' at all.
Dick: No, nothing. Alright.
Maddox: So, anyway. That's my - yeah.
Dick: (interjects) BUT IT'S LIKE - well, okay. So this is my thinking on it...uh, Howard Stern is famous...I think one of his first big watershed breaks was when he interviewed Joey Buttafuoco. Did you know that?
Maddox: No.
Dick: I THINK that's true.
Maddox: (chuckles) Okay.
Dick: During like, the '90s. I'm...I don't know if it's true or not. But I think it's true, and everybody who ran it had to credit him on the news!
Maddox: Yeah! Not me, apparently -
Dick: And NOT YOU!!
Maddox: - 'cause Huffington Post...Huffington Post HATES me. Those motherfuckers hate me. They're *always* trying to bury me, and I hate THEM, too. You know why? 'Cause I call them on their bullshit. Their fucking shenanigans. They're so biased, they're so slanted - I fucking hate Huffington Post. And all they do is steal from other news sources! That's all they fucking do. (Dick chuckles)
Dick: Woah-ho, okay!
Leah: Alright! (enthusiastically)
Dick: That's your opinion.
Maddox: Pieces of shit. (Leah laughs) Alright, let's move on to, uh....Leah - our very first guest problem!
Leah: Oh! 'Kay! Well, I thought about this for a minute, and something that really bothers me when I'm out in public or at a bar - probably mostly at a bar...
Dick: Okay.
Leah: ...when you're meeting new people, or just talking to people - especially in LA, since I moved here about 8 or 9 months ago. Um, you meet -
Dick: (interjects) From where?
Leah: From New York.
Dick: Oh!
Leah: Yeah. So, we can have a cuppa coffee later, if you want. (in stereotypical NY accent) But, yeah - so, social cues really annoy the shit out of me. People do not pick up on them.
Maddox: So "people who don't pick up on social cues," is your problem?
Leah: Right. Yeah, sorry.
Maddox: Okay.
Leah: So, yes. People who do not pick up on them, if you...for example, you are looking away, or looking at other people when they're talking to you, like you're trying to get away from them; you don't - you're not interested in what they're saying, or they're talking too much and they steamroll over you. And you have NO - you have no INS, no...they're just talking *at* you rather than *with* you. And when you give some kind of social cues, like you look away, or you cross your arms, or you're trying to talk and you're like, "But - but I can't --" [mimicking someone being constantly interrupted] And they don't pick up on that, and they just...ugh.
Dick: (interjects) Hold on, I'm making a list: looking away...
Leah: Yeah. (amused) Or heavy -
Dick: (interjects) ...crossing arms...
Leah: Crossing arms!
Maddox: Mmhm.
Dick: ...I thought women did that to show off their boobs! So you're saying that they're bored of what you're saying when they do that?
Leah: No, even when I do that, that doesn't help me. With what I got. (Maddox laughs) But...so, no. That means, "Don't talk to me."
Dick: Okay.
Leah: Or heavy breathing, like - "(annoyed sigh) ...alright, when is this over?" You know?
Maddox: Oh, I take heavy breathing as a cue that they're in.
Dick: Yeah! See??
Maddox: Yeah!
Leah: No!
Dick: We got our signs all mixed up, dude! (laughs along with Maddox)
Leah: Shut up! (lightheartedly) (Dick giggles) No, like...you know what I mean. SIGHING, like "Ughhh....god, shut UP." You know, like THAT.
Maddox: Yeah. Okay.
Dick: But you say LA specifically; you think this happens out here more than...
Leah: Mmm, it happens -
Dick: ...more than your precious New York?
Leah: No, no, no -
Dick: (interjects) It's so great over there? (teasing)
Leah: NO. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Everybody's living in harmony with their fuckin' signs and signals?
Leah: NO! (breaks down laughing) And the jaywalkin'...no, there's a whole different -
Dick: (interjects) Like a bunch of pre-cogs out there, just communicating telepathically? (still teasing)
Leah: (interjects) Alright, SHUT UP and lemme explain! (playfully) (Dick laughs) No, there's a whole...no. New York has its own slew of problems, I'm not even goin' there. But no, this is EVERYWHERE, obviously. It's all over the place. But in LA, it seems concentrated because there are so many people that are self-absorbed out here, and they're so into what THEY'RE doing, with THEIR life, and they don't wanna hear what YOU have to say about yourself....or are even INTERESTED in what you have to say, or who you are! They just - "Oh, so I'm working with this guy; and I know THIS guy; I'm gonna name-drop this person; BLEH." And they don't listen, or try to pick up on what you're throwin' out there.
Maddox: Hmmm.
Dick: Social cues?
Maddox: Social cues.
Leah: Yes.
Maddox: Well, so, lemme play devil's advocate; is it possible that this is a symptom of the type of people you hang out with?
Leah: (inhales thoughtfully) No - uh, no, because I'm meeting a spectrum of people.
Maddox: I mean, because -
Dick: (interjects) At the bar? (wryly) (Maddox laughs)
Leah: No, not JUST at the bar, but all over the place! Anybody!
Dick: When's the last time this happened to you?
Leah: ...At a bar. (laughs along with Maddox)
Dick: 'Kay.
Maddox: No, don't -- But, uh -
Dick: (interjects) What bar? What bar and when do you go there? (playfully)
Maddox: No, no no. (Dick and Leah laugh). No, let's not...we're not doin' that. We're not doin' that, creepy. Creep. Um...no, but to be fair, you do spend a lot of time in the industry because you've been workin' with Dino, and you go to a lot of industry-type things. So maybe it's the type of people you meet at those parties - they're people who are talkin' about their jobs and that sort of thing.
Leah: I don't know...no, this happened in New York also. It happens everywhere. It's not JUST in this industry, or anything like that.
Maddox: Okay.
Leah: I just think it's concentrated out here.
Maddox: So, why do you think that is? Like, what do you...why is it a problem?
Leah: Because you're trying to communicate to somebody! They have - they just have a shield up and they're not taking in anything you're giving them. It's just all about them projecting onto you, and throwing out to you, and you're just a soundboard for THEM. You know what I mean?
Maddox: Yeah.
Leah: So you're just...yeah, they don't give a turkey!
Dick: Yeah! Why don't you guys get on your text machines, and TEXT each other about this (Leah laughs) instead of CALLING UP like a human? (sarcastic)
Maddox: Yeah, a constant interruption! "Oh, drop what you're doin'! I'm more important right now!" (mocking Dick) (Leah giggles) "You have to - you can't be working right now, 'cause I'm making a phone call to tell you some bullshit that I could send you in a text that you could read at your convenience."
Dick: Well, uh...so is the solution to this not just "get better stories"? (Maddox and Leah crack up) Is that...? You gotta interrupt them MORE, I think. (Sean snickers in the background)
Leah: Uh, even when you...
Maddox: Oh, yeah. This is the KING of interruption, here.
Leah: Yeaaaaah, 'cause that's how you win 'em over. (sarcastic) But...no, they're not even - they'll steamroll over you, that's the point!
Dick: Tell us about the last time this happened to you! 'Cause it sounds fresh.
Leah: Uhh, well yeah. The last time it happened it just regurgitated a whole buncha CRAP that I just...I am so tired of dealing with. Um, just some guy at a bar! You know, they - you just talk to them, and they have NO...they just don't...I was throwing out all the social clues that I threw out there, for you -
Dick: (interjects) Crossing your arms, sighing, heavy breathing...
Leah: Yeah! Looking away, just kinda backing up, not -
Maddox: (interjects) Which is body language! Like if you cross your arms, you're sending the signal to somebody that you're closed off and you don't wanna talk to them. So that's probably his fault for not being able to pick that up! Why do you think that is? Why do you think he couldn't pick that up?
Leah: Because he was just - he didn't - he wasn't aware of my presence! He was just wanting to get his stories out about himself, and to impress, and that's what people -- I don't know, a lot of people do DO that, as kind of a crutch, you know? Like, "I'm...I accomplished THIS, look at me! Aren't I cool?!" And it could be even, just....not confident. He's not -
Maddox: (interjects) He was hitting on you though, right? He wanted to -
Leah: Yeah.
Dick: He HAD to be.
Leah: Oh... (modestly)
Dick: I'll tell you why. It's - because of the internet, everyone now has Asperger's.
Maddox: Mmm... (skeptical)
Leah: So that - yeah, that's what I was gonna say. I looked this up, on what it could possibly be, and people...you know, since Asperger's or autism are kind of spectrum disorders, that yes, people have *slight* touches of it where they have to -- There are actually tutorials online for people with these disorders to, uh...that teach them social clues. Like to ask certain questions - like, "How are you?" (Maddox chuckles) "What is the weather?" You know?
Maddox: Like very basic things that humans normally do in social situations. These are people who lack those skills, right?
Leah: Right.
Maddox: Are you talking specifically about people with Asperger's, or autism? Or are you sayin' it's a spectrum?
Leah: It's OUT there. I'm wondering if that's *part* of what's going on? Because I feel like if you're a well-adjusted person and you're, um... AWARE of your surroundings and the people around you, you kind of - it's easy to pick up on these things. Like you won't...you know, you'll have a back-and-forth. You won't have a -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I think there is a lot of pressure on basic social interactions now. Like even the thought of asking someone, "How's it going?" or "How's the weather?" -- Because of the amount of ridicule that exists just around being a boring conversationalist, or hitting on people in a new way - like even talking to someone new is seen as a very daunting task now. I don't know if it always was that way, but I think that's part of it.
Maddox: I think it always was -
Dick: (interjects) You think it was?
Maddox: - and everyone's just a pussy these days.
Leah: Mmm...
Dick: You're right.
Maddox: And it is because of the internet. What, Leah?
Leah: I think, also, some people just lack curiosity of other people. They just wanna TALK.
Maddox: YES! Abso-fuckin'-lutely, that is ABSOLUTELY the case. ('ding!' sound effect) People, sometimes...sometimes I've been on dates with people where I will listen to them talk about themselves for a little while, and then I will sit there silently. I know how to carry a conversation, and I know how to make a conversation flow. But I'm curious if *they* wonder about *me.*
Leah: Yeah.
Maddox: Sometimes -- I've been on dates where they haven't asked what I do...
Leah: Right!
Maddox: ...they don't know where I live, they don't know where I'm from, they don't know who my friends are. So one day I was on a date - a shitty date - and I sat down, and after maybe 30 seconds of silence I finally asked the girl, "Hey, how do you know I'm not a serial killer?" (Dick laughs softly) Point-blank! And she's like, "Well, uh..."
Leah: (interjects) I STILL don't know. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: But she said, "Well, I guess I don't know! I never really thought about that." I'm like, "Well, do you know anything about me?" She said, "No." I'm like, "Why not?" She goes, "Oh, I guess I haven't asked!" I'm like, "EXACTLY!"
Leah: Yeah!
Maddox: That's my fuckin' point! You don't know ANYTHING about me! Aren't you curious?!
Leah: Yeah! Especially when you're asking a million questions about THEM, like, "Oh, where are you from? Do you have a brother?" Or, anything about them!
Maddox: You want to know, right?
Leah: You're constantly asking them - yeah! - about them, but they never return it, and it's just...you would think that that's something that's inherent. That everyone should -- If, when you're meeting someone new, aren't you curious? Why not??
Maddox: Yeah! And am I unreasonable to expect that when you have, uh...when you meet somebody for the first time, you ask them a question, or say a comment...you make a statement about yourself. What would you expect them to do? To follow up with either a comment about what you just said, or a follow-up question, or something related. Right?
Leah: Yeah.
Dick: Is this one of those autism tests? (Leah laughs)
Maddox: I mean, it's very basic, Human 101! (Leah laughs harder) Just be a fucking human! This isn't science, here! Just - a normal person would have those questions, or SOMETHING to say. It's called a "conversation" -
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: - and people don't know how to have a *conversation.* They don't know how to talk to people anymore. And maybe, Dick, you're right, I think! It probably does have to do with the internet.
Dick: I don't know, I gotta think it must...it must have a lot to do with the internet.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: 'Cause the internet has to have rewired people's brains.
Maddox: Oh, yeah! Definitely!
Leah: Clearly!
Dick: Like I press on websites on a fuckin' newspaper to try to get the page to load. (Leah and Maddox laugh) That's not me DECIDING to be a stupid idiot, that's me just reaching out and pressing a website when I see it! Like, "Uh-dur, dur, dur!" [mimicking pressing a link on paper]
Leah: You can't DECIDE to be a stupid idiot.
Dick: You can't?
Leah: No! (cracks up)
Dick: No, you just are. Right?
Leah: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah. So I really think it has rewired everyone's brains to be a total asshole.
Maddox: It's actually scary, especially Facebook. This is kind of scary what happened to me the other day. Someone - one of my friends sent me a link in a text message that I clicked on, and it was an interesting news article. Not interesting enough for me to comment, there was nothing - he just sent it because it was related to something I had written about a long time ago. And I thought the appropriate response to this (cracks up) was to 'like' the message, but I COULDN'T because it was a TEXT MESSAGE. (Dick and Leah laugh) Not on Facebook! But just because I thought that, it's already - I'm FUCKED. Because I -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, it's deeply engrained! Yeah!
Maddox: Yeah, Facebook has already changed the way I think about how I interact with people. It's dangerous!
Leah: Hmm.
Dick: I mean, we just gotta get over the, uhh - I don't know what the solution is though. People aren't listening to your stories, Leah...this guy's not askin' about you...
Leah: No, it's -
Dick: (interjects) You gotta have made him nervous, though! You know?
Leah: I didn't do SHIT! I STOOD there, and I was talked at! And that's all it was.
Maddox: Talked AT, yeah! That's bein' a probl-- Maybe that's a good way of phrasing the problem, even! "People talking AT you."
Leah: Yeah. That, and -- but when they talk at you and you DO have a second, you wanna follow up with a question. And so then you ask another question, and it's a whole other 20-minutes of railing on about themselves, where...you know.
Dick: You know what we need? Referees at bars!
Maddox: Yes!!
Dick: To start giving people red cards, or yellow cards, blowing the whistle, like "You're talkin' about yourself too much!" (Leah laughs)
Maddox: Uh-huh. ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: "You gotta let - you gotta ask this girl a question!"
Maddox: Amen! Yeah, ask this girl a question, idiot! Hey, dipshit!
Dick: Ask her about her hair, her shoes, or whatever.
Leah: Yeah! It's....oh, god. (Maddox and Dick laugh) What if you don't have hair OR shoes, what are you gonna do?
Maddox: (cracks up) Yeah. I date alotta girls with no hair and shoes. (laughs along with Leah)
Dick: No hair or shoes?
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Those are called "guys."
Maddox: Oooooooh... (uneasily)
Leah: But yeah, it has nothin' to do with wanting to talk about yourself. It has to do with wanting to have a conversation.
Maddox: Being curious about another fucking human being in the room with you!
Leah: Yeah!
Maddox: Aren't you curious?? Aren't you afraid -- usually, why I ask questions sometimes is to suss out whether or not the person I'm talking to has lights on, in their home.
Leah: Right.
Maddox: I mean, not in their home; in their HEAD. Like, is someone - are the lights on? Is someone home??
Leah: Right! (laughs)
Maddox: What's going on? Right?
Dick: Yeah!
Leah: Just, AWARE. In the moment.
Maddox: Are you aware? Yeah! In the moment! How aware are you of your surroundings? How aware are you of me as a person? Because - that's right, Leah! If they can't pick up on social cues, that might mean...okay, here comes the armchair psychology, Dick. (Leah chuckles)
Dick: Yeah! He's the worst! Armchair psychology, all day.
Maddox: Oh, please. Yeah, last episode...please.
Dick: (interjects) Sigmund Futon over here. (Maddox and Leah burst out laughing)
Maddox: Did you make that up?!
Dick: Right on the spot, dude! Yeah.
Maddox: Sigmund Futon, that's hilarious! That's really good.
Dick: Thanks.
Leah: ...Sigmund Rhoid.
Dick: Sigmund Rhoid? What does that mean? (amused)
Maddox: Oh, Sigmund Hemorrhoid?
Dick: OHHH oh, oh! Yeah.
Maddox: No, I don't get hemorrhoids. (Leah chuckles) Not anymore. Since I stopped eating hummus. (grinning) Uh... (laughs loudly)
Leah: Oh, GOD.
Maddox: Anyway! Yeah, that's a whole story. (Leah laughs) But yeah! You want to know that the lights are on at home.
Dick: (interjects) What kind of social cues would you give a guy telling you about his hemorrhoids? What's the social cue to get THAT to stop?
Leah: Interest! Um, hand-on-chin.
Dick: Ohohohoho!
Maddox: Hand-on-chin! Yeah, thank you, Leah! That's exactly the right response. ('ding!' sound effect)
Dick: Okay.
Maddox: You WANT a guy - 'cause if a guy is telling you about his hemorrhoids, guess what he is? Fucking confident! (Leah laughs) Huh? Right??
Dick: I mean, I...or, totally CRAZY!
Maddox: Well...okay. There is a fine line. (cracks up) You have to see their eyes -if they're making good eye contact with you. But if their eyes are going in, uh - you know, they're a little darty -
Dick: (interjects) Or if they're, like, looking at you from the top of a pit that you're in. (wryly) (Maddox and Leah laugh) Then they're probably crazy.
Maddox: Okay. Well, uh...yeah. That's a good problem! I don't know if it's the BIGGEST problem in the universe, but it's definitely worthy of being on the list.
Leah: Yeah. When you're trying to meet new people, it's...it's a problem.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: How have you found meeting new people in LA? Than in New York?
Leah: VERY easy.
Dick: Really?!
Leah: Yeah. It's pretty easy. Um, New York, there's...ah. I'm not gonna get into the whole New York/LA battle royale, but it's...I feel like everything's harder in New York, it's more difficult. People are closed off, you know.
Dick: Really?
Leah: Yeah!
Maddox: I never really have a problem meeting people in New York. I've heard this: I've heard in New York, there is a disproportionate amount of single women.
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: New York's a chick town. Chicks love New York.
Leah: It's 3-to-1! 3 women to 1 man!
Dick: WHAT?!?
Leah: Guys...yeah -
Maddox: (interjects) I don't know it's that high, but -
Leah: - flock to New York.
Maddox: Yeah! It's pretty high. Like, it's one of the only places I've been to in the world where servers actually hit on me! Which is usually the opposite: guys hit on servers. (cracks up) But in New York, I've had multiple servers give me their phone numbers while I'm just sitting there, trying to enjoy my coffee...
Dick: THIS guy... (grinning) What a stud! (Maddox and Leah burst out laughing) Girls flyin' in to UTAH - you're conning beautiful women into flying into Utah to talk to you...
Maddox: 'Conning'...please.
Dick: ...waitresses are giving you their phone numbers!
Maddox: Panties...
Leah: "Just trying to have a beverage with titties in my face!" (teasing)
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah, what's your social cues? How are you luring these broads in?
Sean: (interjects) All the hemorrhoid talk. (dryly) (Dick guffaws)
Maddox: (laughing) The hemorrhoid talk! THANK you, Sean! Yeah, because they look at me and I talk to them about my hemorrhoids - they're like, "That guy's confident." (sexy tone) (Leah laughs) "I want some of what he's cookin'!" (Leah keeps giggling) It's just, like...a big puffy asshole, really! (bursts out laughing)
Leah: Like a baboon!
Dick: Is that what happens? Did you think anything would go on when you went and saw him for the first time?
Leah: No! I knew he had a girlfriend.
Dick: Well, I mean...does that really mean anything? (cheekily)
Maddox: Yeah, well...right? (quietly; amused)
Leah: Now it's just a brotherly type of - "Aw, c'mere, gimme some noogies!" Or, "I'll give *you* some noogies!"
Dick: Ohh, yeah, THAT'S your move! (suggestively)
Maddox: Yeah, that's my move!
Dick: Alright!
Maddox: Yeah. A noogie is code for "scratching her head." (mocking Dick's bawdiness) With my knuckles. (laughs)
Leah: Yeah! (through laughter)
Maddox: So...anyway.
Dick: Pretty good problem!
Maddox: Yeah, good problem, good problem! So let's move -- is that all you have, Leah? Or is there anything else you wanna add to that?
Leah: Nope!
Dick: I wanna hear more about this poor bastard that hit on you.
Leah: (sighs) No, you - I don't give a turkey about him!
Maddox: No, we don't. We don't wanna hear that - that guy's an idiot. Let's move on to my problem, uh, the third problem - and by the way, since we have a guest, this time we're doin' three problems.
Dick: One each!
Maddox: One each, there we go. So my problem is....wine snobs. (Leah cracks up) Alright? (Dick sighs) These are people who are pretentious about wine, just like DICK is PRETENTIOUS about steak. (Dick exhales wearily) Now, I have been arguing about this for a LONG time, and I've always thought that wine snobs are fulla shit. Right? Everything has "notes" of something in it. It's a "note of cherry," it's a "woody aftertone," or a "woody taste," or some..."acidic, citrusy...berry...currant-y...."
Leah: Yeah!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: ...some BULLSHIT adjective-y....THING. And no one's ever consistent with these wines! Ever!
Leah: Yeah, when I worked at a restaurant in New York, where there was a 'sommeliere'...a sommelier....
Maddox: It's a sommelier, yeah.
Leah: And uh, in order to be...in order to serve wine in this place, we had to taste all the wines. But I had to buy a book of adjectives for each wine, and LEARN - like, "Oh, this has got an oaky, full-bodied aroma..." (pretentious voice)
Maddox: Yeah, "full-bodied aroma"! (derisive)
Leah: ...with drops of quail diarrhea." (Maddox laughs) I don't know - whatever it - (cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah! And here's the thing -
Dick: (interjects) Probably not that. (bluntly)
Maddox: - by the way, unless it has -- they always say it has "notes" of cherry, or it has "notes" of apricot -- if there's no cherry in the fucking wine, then there aren't notes of SHIT in that wine. You're fulla shit! (yelling) There's NO apricot in the wine, there's NO cherry, and if there IS, guess what? That's a shitty fuckin' wine field! (Leah bursts out laughing) That's a shitty vineyard, if they're accidentally getting CHERRIES in the fucking wine?! Are you fucking kidding me?? You're gettin' cherry pits in there, you're gettin' *apricots* in there? What the FUCK kind of dime-and-nickel operation is this?!? You fucking idiots! (Leah still laughing uncontrollably) What are you gettin' - oh, "EARTHY"? "Earthy" is code for DIRT, you fucking morons! You're putting dirt in the wine, and people are CONGRATULATING THEM? Wine experts are giving them '90s' and they're putting them in BevMo! - are you fucking kidding me? Throw that shit away! Your fuckin' sour-ass wine. BULLshit. So, I - (cracks up) - I have this article... (suddenly calm)
Dick: (interjects) I wish there was a wine snob who was as passionate about loving wine as you are about hating it. (Maddox and Leah laugh)
Maddox: Oh, well, there is! And I actually have his name, which I'll get to in just a second. However, The Guardian published this article - which, I just wanna *kiss* their feet for publishing this. It's called "Wine-tasting: it's junk science." And there's a guy named Robert Hodgson who had a vineyard in...uh, I believe, in California. And every year, he would submit his wines to a bunch of different wine festivals. Sometimes he'd win the gold medal, and then sometimes the EXACT same wines that would win gold medals at some festivals would do very poorly at other ones. So he thought, "Well, this is kind of curious...why do my wines do so inconsistently at different festivals?" And this guy has a background in statistics, so he decided to do a scientific analysis to see if he could get his wines to be consistently tested by the same people. So, he actually did this! He said, "Some wines would be presented to the panel three times, poured from the same bottle each time. The results would be compiled and analyzed to see whether wine testing really is scientific." And the results are: "Only about 10% of judges are consistent, and those judges who were consistent one year were ordinary the next year. Chance has a great deal to do with the awards that wines win." What do you think of that?
Dick: That...wine competitions are arbitrary? Or at least somewhat arbitrary?
Maddox: The awards...yeah.
Dick: I believe that, sure.
Leah: Me too.
Maddox: 10 percent! 10 percent of the judges were consistent.
Dick: Yeah. Um...
Leah: 'Cause they're wasted! Well, no - they spit it out, don't they?
Maddox: Yeah, they swish and - you know, they sniff and swish and...
Dick: Don't you think it has a lot to do with your mood, though? When you're drinking a wine and you're following it up with another wine? Like, your "notes" thing - that the "notes" are bullshit - I think is dead wrong.
Maddox: Really??
Dick: If you taste something, and it kind of makes you think of cherry -- like, I'm sure there's no actual GRAPES in Dimetapp - (Leah and Maddox laugh hysterically) - but it tastes like grape, god dammit!
(Maddox and Leah keep laughing)
Dick: If they say it's "earthy," it's like, it tastes like dirt! I don't fuckin' know. What do you want?? You want like, a formula for what EXACTLY this tastes like? It just makes me think of dirt.
Maddox: Why -- if it makes you think of DIRT, then you're a fucking moron! Why are you even -- spit it out! Why is that in your mouth if it tastes like dirt, ya moron?!
Dick: It's like, whiskey tastes like smoke! It just does!
Maddox: No...some whiskey. Shitty whiskey, that YOU like.
Dick: Oho, yeah! Your FIREBALL doesn't taste like smoke! (derisive)
Maddox: Yeah, I like Fireball, it's so good. Tastes like cinnamon. No, but - by the way, use a different adjective! Why is everything a "note"? Everything's a NOTE of something. Why don't you use something else? Don't use "note"! Use "note" for music.
Dick: Like what?
Maddox: The last time -- I haven't even seen -
Leah: (interjects) A "hint"?
Dick: A hint?
Maddox: A "hint," yeah! How about "a hint"?
Dick: Oh yeah! You're, like, a trained wine bullshitter!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Right? (Leah chuckles) So what else you got?
Leah: Uh, I just remember "oaky."
Dick: Oaky!
Leah: "Oaky," "full-bodied"...
Dick: Full-bodied...
Maddox: A "hint," a "note" - what else? What other word can you use?
Dick: ...sounds like a pirate prostitute. (Leah laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, right. So anyway - and these judges, by the way, these aren't amateurs! These are judges - they read like a "who's who" of -
Leah: (interjects) Crisp!
Maddox: Crisp. Great.
Dick: Criiisp!
Maddox: This is -
Dick: (interjects) "Crisp wine," that sounds good, man! (cheerfully)
Maddox: FUCK you. (Leah bursts out laughing) So this guy - (cracks up) - when he tested these judges...uh, this is from the article. It says, "They read like a who's who of the American wine industry, from winemakers, sommeliers, critics and buyers to wine consultants and even academics." So these are the top of their field!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: These aren't just like, fly-by-night wine critics who write for whatever your city weekly magazine is, in whatever shithole city you live in. So this guy did this test for a number of different years...he said, "Results from the first four years of the experiment, published in the Journal of Wine Economics, showed a typical judge's scores varied by plus or minus four points over the three blind tastings. A wine deemed to be good with a 90 rating would be rated as an acceptable 86 by the SAME JUDGE minutes later and then an excellent 94." So they tasted the same wine, and minutes later rated it from an 80 to like, a 94! Or a 90 to 94. The EXACT same wine. MINUTES apart.
Dick: Yeah, look. You know what? Uhh, your steak thing --
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: -- your expensive steak argument - was fuckin' stupid.
Maddox: Oh, really? (sarcastic)
Dick: But I think I agree with you on the wine.
Maddox: Uh-huh.
Dick: I think that expensive wines, or like, this idea of...I dunno, this idea that some wines are an order of magnitude better than cheaper ones, or what have you -- I think you might have some merit to that.
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: I was AGREEING with you, you prick!
Maddox: Ohh! (mocking) Yeah, I KNOW - yeah, I said -
Dick: What are you "WRONG"-ing me for?!?
Maddox: - the STEAK argument. 'Cause it's interesting you should mention that expensive wines aren't susceptible to this bias. Because guess what, DICK? [quotes Guardian article] "In 2008 a study of 6,000 blind tastings by Robin Goldstein in the Journal of Wine Economics found a positive link between the PRICE of wine and the amount people ENJOYED it." Well, well, well!
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: That means the more you pay for wine, the more you FOOL yourself into thinking that it's a good wine! Because you - you have that cognitive bias! "Oh, I paid a lot for it...it must be good!"
Dick: THAT DOESN'T APPLY TO EVERYTHING! (Maddox laughs hysterically and claps) Just because it's true in the case of WINE, does NOT mean it's true in the case of everythi-- listen to me. Do you drink any wine?! Do you EVER order wine, in your life?
Maddox: Yeah! Cheap -
Dick: (interjects) What do you say, "Bring me the cheapest swill you got in the back"?
Maddox: Pretty much. YES.
Dick: Do you even have a varietal preference?? (yelling) What is ordering wine like for Maddox?
Maddox: EIGHT DOLLARS. I love Naked Grape wine; it costs 8 dollars, I don't give a FUCK, it tastes GREAT, I DRINK it and I'm DRUNK. It's AWESOME. 8 dollars!
Dick: Alright. (dismissively) You like Naked Grape. You got any other labels that you like?
Leah: Oh, wait wait wait - have you tried Carlo Rossi?
Maddox: I've tried...yeah, I've had Carlo Rossi.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) NO, because - he probably hasn't, because the name isn't manufactured to make idiots buy it! "Naked Grape," I GUARANTEE you, is a marketing ploy to get you to buy their shitty wine.
Maddox: IT'S AN EIGHT DOLLAR WINE! They don't have that brand recognition! People aren't tripping over themselves to buy 8 dollar wine, they don't give a shit. They don't serve that in high-end restaurants, they serve it at a fuckin' Wal-Mart! It's a great wine, by the way.
Dick: I think you have some kind of agenda against rich people. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Hahahaha!! Dick, you fu-- ...so fulla shit! So -
Dick: (interjects) Lemme ask you this.
Maddox: Yeah?
Dick: Ray-Ban sunglasses versus gas station sunglasses. Do you...can you tell that there's a difference and that the gas station ones are horrible?
Maddox: Uhh, I've never bought -
Dick: (interjects) 5 dollar gas station Wayfarers, versus legit Ray-Bans.
Leah: Do Ray-Bans have the rainbow reflective...you know?
Dick: Polarization? Oh, no - like the mirrored, rainbow one?
Leah: Yeah, and the neon frames?
Dick: Yeah, some of them do.
Leah: Oh, they do?
Dick: Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. You know, I don't think so. I think that potentially...so Ray-Ban, they're offering you not much for the value except for the brand -
Dick: No!!
Maddox: - and that's my problem with Beats.
Dick: No! Their sunglasses are way better than the gas station ones! The gas station ones will fall apart that weekend! Ray-Bans'll last you your whole life!!
Maddox: No. It won't.
Dick: So I'm saying, just because -- yes, they will -- just because it's more expensive doesn't always mean it's a scam.
Maddox: Right, but there is an upper limit to how much value you're going to get, for your money, for those Ray-Ban sunglasses. If it's costing 100 dollars, guess what? If it falls apart - if your gas station glasses fall apart in a month - buy another one every month of the year! (Leah laughs)
Dick: They just feel like shit all the time!! There's plastic seams all over them -
Maddox: (interjects) Who cares?!
Dick: - they are always fuckin' crooked --
Maddox: Oh, SORRY. Vanity Fair Dick, over here. What are you, wearing your sunglasses going to Vogue? You goin' to runways?
Dick: I only put expensive things on my face. Okay?
Maddox: Oh, great. Great.
Leah: Oh, wow.
Dick: No, you know what? I saw this movie, uh, Somm? S-O-M-M. It was about sommeliers, and I was really anticipating - I thought it'd be cool, 'cause it'd be an insight into how they actually grade the wines and what makes them qualified to speak on whether one wine is better than another.
Maddox: Right.
Dick: And they were *all* over the fuckin' map!
Maddox: Yeah!
Dick: Like, they worked their ass off for years to try to even take this test, and just watching it...I don't know if it was me as a viewer, or maybe it wasn't put together, uh...to draw attention to the exactness of the test, but it seems like it was just all over the map!
Leah: Isn't that the type of job that's subjective, though? Like a movie critic? I mean, you can't have the same opinion across the board of everything. Right?
Maddox: Right. But with a movie critic at least...if a critic likes a certain genre or a certain type of movie, or it puts him in a certain mood, they can be consistent in THAT aspect. So for example, Roger Ebert doesn't like dark, cynical comedies like Army of Darkness. So when I read that he pans a movie like Army of Darkness, I know that it's coming from a reliable source; he reliably doesn't like those type of movies, and I know not to give his opinion that much weight when it comes to that genre, whereas he does like certain other genres of movies pretty consistently.
Leah: Okay.
Maddox: But with wine, it's such a complex chemical that...there's so many nutrients, there's so many different flavors, and uh, things that are going on on your taste buds that it's almost impossible to be consistent from one wine to the next!
Leah: Right.
Dick: OBJECTIVELY, for like a *reviewer* to do it, but don't you think people could HAVE a favorite wine? Don't you -- it could be like, an art to them?
Maddox: Yeah! Sure!
Dick: Instead of, like, a computer?
Maddox: Well, okay. It's interesting you mention that, 'cause there's a guy named Robert Parker. He is considered by most the world's leading wine critic. So this guy's been tasting wines all around - like he gets paid professionally, he flies out everywhere to taste wines - he's considered the best of the best.
Dick: Uh-huh.
Maddox: And this is according to the article; he said, "...is the world's leading wine critic and his score is key to determining the price of new vintages. But Orley Ashenfelter, a Princeton economist, invented a simple mathematical formula based on weather data to predict the price of vintages, which mimicked the predictions of Parker's system." So a simple mathematical formula was able to consistently replicate the world's most leading expert on wine on how to price wine, based on vintages!
Dick: Wait, doesn't that prove that...he's operating logically? If a computer could mimic his tasting, doesn't that prove that he's tasting what the computer was programmed to do?
Maddox: No, other way around. They emulated his guesses, essentially. Because he IS self-consistent, but that doesn't mean he's consistent across the board.
Dick: Yeah, but what if he's tasting for all that stuff? Like the weather, and...whatever?
Maddox: Yeah...maybe. I mean, he might just be getting lucky every time. That's not scientific; you can't just say, "Okay, let's..." -- you only have one Robert Parker. There aren't multiple Robert Parkers you can test this theory with, this isn't scientific. This is the one guy who happened to be getting it right, *sometimes.* (Dick smirks) So they created a formula to duplicate his success, and guess what? The formula's pretty accurate, and it's a simple formula.
Dick: Leah, when you worked at your wine-conning job (Leah and Maddox laugh) did you have people like this come in and, like, raising hell about wine snobbery?
Leah: Yeah...yeah, once in a while. Yeah. It was - I mean, ugh. I just tried not to serve them. Give 'em to somebody else. Because they're just gonna complain about everything. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Right. They do complain about everything, yeah.
Dick: Yeah! They do complain about everything!
Maddox: "Oh, excuse me! Send this wine back, it's SWILL." And by the way, these same morons - there's a French academic...his name is, uh, Frédérick Brochet, I think, and he tested the effectiveness of changing the labels of wines. So he took normal table wine - which is considered swill - and then he took superior wine and he served it to the same people week after week, and used very positive words to describe the table swill and very negative words to describe the superior wine. And people generally agreed with the descriptions. So they couldn't even tell the difference between normal table wine that was cheap - just the house wine - versus the really expensive, superior wine, based on the adjectives that were used.
Dick: (interjects) When they were being actively conned into liking it!
Maddox: Dick, if you're TOLD that something is good and you taste it and you agree, and then find out later that it's bad, then that means you're a moron! (yelling) You're suggestible.
Dick: EVERYONE IS SUGGESTIBLE! That would work for water!! That HAS worked for water! I know they've done that, where they've taken hose water and like, Fiji water and said, "This one is the Fiji," and people were like, "Oh, well, okay. I guess so."
Maddox: Yeah...yeah. And yet, the great Dick Masterson doesn't believe that it applies to steaks!!
Dick: NO -- Maddox!! It's because people don't have all this energy to sit there analyzing EVERY FUCKIN' THING that comes down the pipe! It's like, "Do you want wine that costs 8 bucks or 20?" and you're like, "I don't know. Probably 20, because over the course of my life I would HOPE that the 20 dollar wine is eventually better."
Maddox: Yeah. Mmhm. (skeptical)
Dick: Like, more often than not, I hope it's better.
Maddox: You know what you guys are listening to right now? You're listening to the desperate last gasps of a man who has wasted *so* many dollars on steak.
Dick: HAH! That's NOT why they do it!!
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: The reason steaks are expensive is because of the whole experience! (Maddox laughs robustly) It's the waiter who remembers you from last opening day, who knows what you like! (yelling)
Maddox: Oh...ohh, wow.
Dick: It's because the place will let you drink six martinis at the bar, FALL OFF the fuckin' stool, and then not kick you out! THAT'S what you're paying for!!
Maddox: Oh, so NOT the steak. (keeps laughing)
Dick: It's NOT necessarily the steak! (yelling over Maddox)
Maddox: Hahahaha, great! That's -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause they will let your friend PASS OUT in the corner, 'cause he's TOO HIGH to eat! (Leah laughs)
Maddox: Great. You know what, Dick? I'm gonna accept that as a concession. ('ding!' sound effect) Thank you. Thank you for finally conceding that steak pricing is bullshit.
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but this is - this is what it is to you! It's a whole art form! Like, a meal to you is...you won't be happy until everyone is eating their food and their wine out of packs like GO-GURT (Maddox and Leah laugh) and we're all paying a dollar fifty for it. That's your ideal world, but the REST of us *enjoy* eating and *enjoy* drinking!
Maddox: Oh, great. I enjoy...PLENTY, my friend. But here's the thing: the guy at 7-Eleven remembers my name, down the street. I just walk in every time -- "Hey, Maddox! What's up? Here's your Corn Nuts or whatever the fuck you're eating today!" (Dick laughs hysterically) (Leah giggles) What a gentleman! (cracks up)
Dick: HAHAHAHA!! "Here's your Corn Nuts!" -- Okay...
Leah: Class. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: ...is a one million dollar Picasso painting a rip-off to you when compared with something that you could buy at a thrift store? Let's blow this logic completely up! (amused)
Maddox: Well, yeah, because the Picasso has all this built-in -- that it's hype -
Dick: (interjects) All this built-in WHAT?
Maddox: Hype!
Dick: So it is a rip-off! You're saying, like, a beautiful Picasso masterpiece is a rip-off when compared to something you can get at a thrift store -
Maddox: Uh...but's that's so -
Dick: (interjects) OR is that art you APPRECIATE, so it's okay?
Maddox: No, it's so subjective, 'cause you could buy a print that looks exactly the same!
Dick: But it's NOT THE SAME!! He didn't TOUCH it! (irritated)
Maddox: Why?!
Dick: 'CAUSE HE DIDN'T TOUCH IT WITH HIS HANDS!
Maddox: Ohh. (sarcastic)
Dick: There's a whole backstory!! (still yelling)
Maddox: Really. So you should listen to Radiolab -- I don't wanna plug another podcast, but I have to, because it's SO good -- Radiolab did a topic about this, where they specifically talked about the history of "things," and whether or not the fact that the artist originally touched it matters.
Dick: Yes!
Leah: Really? (intrigued)
Maddox: And apparently, to you, it does!
Dick: Of course!
Maddox: Yeah! [answering Leah] -- Why does it matter?
Dick: Because it's a real piece of history! It's a thing that's unique!
Maddox: Who cares? Everything's a piece of history! So's the fuckin' print! "Oh, some guy at the print shop touched it!" Just because he's not famous, doesn't mean anything?? Huh? It's still a print, it looks exactly the same!
Dick: It's the same reason people want you to autograph their book! So they can look at it and say, "You know what? This guy who does this awesome stuff actually interacted with this book."
Maddox: Yeah. I mean, I don't get it. (laughs along with Leah)
Dick: Do you appreciate -- ?!
Leah: No - yes you do! Yes, you do.
Dick: Yes, he does! Wow! -- Leah. [indicating for her to talk]
Leah: Well, I'm just saying, you don't wanna...you don't wanna depreciate your brand. Of course you do.
Maddox: Oh, I can't! It's impossible to depreciate my brand. (laughs)
Dick: You're an artist, so you must appreciate the difference between a drawn thing, that the artist touched, versus a reprint.
Leah: Yeah, well, I've done some stuff...actually when we had our comic book - we were selling it at Comic-Con - people would pay a lot for the original artwork. Do you remember, we sold...?
Maddox: Yeah, that's true actually, the original artwork. Yeah, you know...I mean, I get it. Some people really place value on that, and honestly I'm kind of a hypocrite because I did wait in line for a signing a long time ago for Bruce Campbell. And it eventually meant -
Dick: (interjects) Ah-HA!!! (Maddox and Leah laugh) What if Bruce Campbell had a VINEYARD? (more laughter)
Maddox: Hahaha, what?! What the fuck are you talking about?
Dick: (yells over Maddox) I got you now, you snake in the grass! (Maddox laughs hysterically) If Bruce Campbell opened up a vineyard, and it was Army of Darkness cab-- what's that Army of Darkness cabernet - er, uh, wine? What would it be?
Leah: Army of Dark Grapes.
Dick: Army of Dark Grapes!! That's what it would be! And there would be notes of...*hints* of...
Leah: Hints of...anarchy?
Maddox: Hints of bullshit. (matter-of-factly)
Dick: Hints of...gore? And ash? Did you say ash?
Leah: No, uh, anarchy.
Maddox: Oh, "an ashy undertone," uh-huh!
Dick: Ashy undertone!
Leah: Ashy!
Maddox: Uh - dark flavors, huh? Some very dark, brooding, Necronomicon-y...(laughs)
Dick: Yeah!
Maddox: Very chainsaw-y...uh, shotgun-y...(keeps laughing)
Dick: And you would be...S-Mart...to get - to drink it. (pleased with himself) (Leah laughs)
Maddox: Ohh, you - fuck, I love that, actually.
Leah: "Shop S-Mart!" [quoting movie]
Dick: Would you buy that wine? 'Cause it had a story that you could relate to. 'Cause that's what I think these wines are all about for people sometimes. They have stories they can relate to.
Maddox: (interjects) Look, if it costs less than 10 bucks, I don't give a fuck what the wine label says. I'd buy it. Sure.
Dick: What about Two Buck Chuck? Would you eat that swill?
Leah: It's three now.
Maddox: Yeah, it's NOT swill -- oh, three -- so what. Yeah, of course. And for those who don't know, there's a little grocery store out in California that sells this really cheap wine that a lot of people trash because they say, "Oh, it's machine-harvested."
Dick: It's fucking disgusting!
Leah: Trader Joe's? You talkin' about Trader -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, Trader Joe's wine.
Dick: Yeah!
Leah: Oh, yeah. It's -
Maddox: (interjects) Trader - Two Buck Chuck - who cares?? Whatever! You don't...you can't even tell the difference!
Dick: (yells over Maddox) Why don't you just spike Gatorade?!
Maddox: I guarantee that in a blind taste test you couldn't tell the difference!
Dick: That's the POINT! It's been engineered so you can't tell the difference! It's like having GATORADE in VODKA, it's NOT FUCKIN' WINE!! (Leah chuckles)
Maddox: What...are you talking about?!
Leah: Neither of those are wine.
Dick: 'Cause it's like - they churn - because of the mass production, you get gross shit thrown in with the wine -
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, you mean -
Dick: - and they mask it with chemicals. That's what I read, anyway.
Maddox: Great, you know what? No, they don't mask it with chemicals -- you know, it's actually giving these undertones - these tastes...these notes of earth, and twigs, and all this other bullshit that gets in there. (sarcastic)
Dick: (interjects) And dead grass.
Maddox: Oh, who cares? Guess what, it's all gettin' in there...it's...whatever, shut up! (Leah laughs) Okay, here's one last point I wanna make (cracking up) -- here's one last -
Dick: (interjects) I think I gotcha on that one.
Maddox: NO. Here's one last point I wanna make, and this is the smoking gun. This makes me so happy I get a fucking boner. Okay, listen to this: "Color..." - this is according to the same article - he says, "Color affects our perceptions, too. In 2001 Frédérick Brochet of the University of Bordeaux asked 54 wine experts to test two glasses of wine -- one red, one white. Using the typical language of tasters, the panel described the red as 'jammy' and commented on its crushed red fruit." (Dick laughs) Now - "The critics failed to spot that both wines were from the same bottle. The only difference is that one wine had been colored red with a flavorless dye."
Dick: You love these cons. So much.
Maddox: Well, well, well!
Dick: People getting conned -- when you give people two distinct things and ask them to describe them in different ways, they will do it no matter what.
Maddox: BECAUSE THEY'RE IDIOTS! They're suggestible idiots!
Dick: (interjects) It doesn't prove ANYTHING. OF COURSE they're suggestible idiots!
Maddox: No, you're *testing* whether or not it's a scientific way of them being able to tell the difference! If they can't tell the difference between a red and a white because of DYE?! Are you kidding me?? Red and white wine is supposed to be the most different-tasting wines in -- the biggest chasm of taste is between red and white, right? They can't even tell the difference between red and white.
Dick: Even if they tasted exactly the same, nobody would EVER say it. That's the point!
Maddox: Why?
Dick: BECAUSE YOU LOOK LIKE A FUCKIN' IDIOT! No one is expecting to get conned to that degree! If you get a red wine and a white wine and you're like, "They taste exactly the same, but they - why...?" That's insane. That's insane! THAT'S INSANE!!! (Maddox and Leah burst out laughing) BECAUSE YOU WOULD NEVER EXPECT THAT TO HAPPEN, that's the point! These aren't TESTS, they're PRACTICAL JOKES! (Maddox laughs hysterically) These aren't scientific experiments!! You motherfucker! (suddenly calmer) Leah, I feel like you didn't get to weigh in on this problem. What do you think?
Leah: I think you're sweating from the pecs. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Hoo, yeah!
Maddox: Gross! (Leah laughs)
Dick: Yeah, yeah! (sexy tone) Oooo. Woooow.
Maddox: You guys, get a room. And it's NOT mine! This is disgusting.
Leah: I -- it's not MY fault, he's sweating from the pecs!
Dick: Yeah, you're right, I am a little sweaty over here. (under his breath)
Maddox: Gross! Ohh, shut UP.
Leah: I didn't say it was a good thing, shut up!
Maddox: BARF. I'm -
Dick: (interjects) I need a nice cold bottle of wine to relax. (laughs along with Leah)
Maddox: Ohh man, this is... (negative 'sproing' sound effect) ...oh, barf. Okay. (Leah keeps laughing)
Dick: What do you think - besides my pecs, what are you thinking about right now?
Leah: Um...I don't think that it's, people don't wanna seem like idiots. I think they just genuinely...uh, I don't know, lots of wine tastes similar, so maybe they're just not thinking that they're CRAZY, and that they taste the same.
Maddox: Because they're being duped.
Dick: Do you think it's a scam? Do you think expensive wines - more expensive wines are a rip-off?
Leah: Uh, I...I hate wine, I really don't have an opinion. I'm sorry.
Maddox: Okay. So Leah, as a former sommelier, hates wine. So this was - (Dick laughs loudly)
Leah: (interjects) I was not a sommelier, I just had to know adjectives and bullshit my way through my shift, yeah.
Maddox: Oh, you just had to know that shit - okay.
Dick: She was a salesman.
Maddox: (scoffs) Oh, "salesman." Okay, so -
Dick: (interjects) Or a LADY salesman - what's the term for a woman who's...?
Maddox: A saleswoman...
Leah: A ladyman! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: A ladyman, I thought it was that!
Maddox: She was a "lady man." (laughs more) Let's call her a lady man from now on.
Leah: Yes. (amused)
Maddox: But - uh, you know what, Dick? I'd just like to point out that this guy, the Robert Hodgson dude who had the background in statistics? The way he tested these experts was to pour the same wine three different times. The SAME wine. And that's exactly what I did to YOU AND SEAN with the Diet Coke test. (pleased with himself)
Dick: Another practical joke.
Maddox: Yeah. Diet Dick, failed that test -
Dick: (interjects) With YOU...with you -
Sean: (interjects) And we said they both tasted like shit!
Dick: YEAH! We -
Maddox: (interjects) NO!! Not consi-- not at the same time! First, Dick said 'A' tasted the worst, which was Diet Coke from McDonald's, and then you were like, "Well, I think 'D' tasted the worst." But you didn't say they BOTH tasted the exact same!
Dick: Yeah, we did...yeah, we did.
Sean: We both agreed that they were both the shittiest-tasting wines...
Maddox: The shittiest tasting ones, but you didn't say they were the SAME ones.
Sean: ...er, wines - uh, Cokes!
Maddox: But you didn't say they were the same.
Sean: No, they just both tasted like shit.
Dick: BECAUSE, we were under this insane idea that you were hosting a fair, unbiased experiment (Maddox laughs) when you were actually just FUCKIN' with us (Maddox laughs harder) to make us look stupid!!
Maddox: Every test has to have a control, and that was my control. It has to be scientific...and not to say that that was purely scientific.
Sean: There was *nothing* scientific about that test. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: There was nothing scientific about that test!
Maddox: Yeah, except that you guys lost. Hard.
Dick: (interjects) Except for the grade-A asshole running it. (Leah laughs)
Maddox: That's me! I love it. (applause sound effect) So good. (audience laugh sound effect) (chuckles)
Dick: Yeah, alright. (disdainful)
Leah: I gotta hear that, I haven't heard it.
Maddox: Oh, the Diet Coke test.
Dick: What episode is that?
Maddox: It's great.
Dick: 5?
Maddox: Uhh, I believe it's Episode 5, yeah.
Dick: Okay, so lemme ask you this: What is the chance that these people's palates are just not refined enough to appreciate the wine?
Maddox: Zero.
Dick: No, because I could tell - like, I can tell the difference in whiskeys just by smell--
Maddox: (interjects) Wellll! Well, well, well.
Dick: Yeah, bring 'em in! (gleeful) That'd be a fun show.
Maddox: Yeah.
Leah: Well, I think - actually, if it's aged...I think the only thing that should determine a price is if it's aged. You know, if it's old, it should be more expensive.
Dick: Mmm. (in agreement)
Maddox: Well, you could make the case that *rarity* should change the price, sure. But the more people pay -
Dick: (interjects) That's not the case she was makin'.
Maddox: - the better they think it is. Yeah, it is. Yeah. (Dick giggles quietly) Because more people pay - it's a cognitive bias!
Leah: It's...no, it's not. (laughs)
Maddox: If you PAY more, you think you're GETTING more. Yeah, thank you, Leah. (sarcastic) (Dick and Leah burst out laughing) Wait, are you agreeing with me or disagreeing with me?
Leah: I'm -- no, I didn't say that that's the case. I was saying that AGE -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, look at her social cues. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah, but the age - the reason that age matters is because it's more rare! You're not gonna get a vintage -
Leah: Well...
Dick: (interjects) No, it's because of the rent it costs to hold it.
Maddox: What RENT?! They just put it in a fuckin' cellar in the ground! (Leah giggles) There's ground everywhere!
Dick: Here we fuckin' go. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, you want me to age somethin' for ya? Here, dipshit, take your pick!
Dick: Oho! Take it to UTAH. I'll take it to the desert in Utah. (mocking)
Maddox: Yeah, great! Put it anywhere, it doesn't fuckin' - I'll dig a hole. Gimme whatever you want, I'll age the shit out of it. Aged meat - you want aged steak, Dick?? I'll charge you a thousand dollars for it! Here you go, here's the full experience! Why don't you get drunk in my restaurant? (cynical)
Dick: No, I want the whole experience! I want -
Maddox: Yeah, I don't - oh, I'll get an experience! (shouting over Dick)
Dick: - I don't wanna be looked at in a condescending way, either, by you at any point in the evening...
Maddox: Well...
Dick: ...which you couldn't do for TEN thousand dollars. (Maddox, Leah, and Sean all laugh) So, why don't you think about THAT before opening your shitty steakhouse.
Maddox: Yeah, it's gonna be the best! (through laughter) It's gonna be called "Maddox Steakhouse," which, by the way, exists. If you google "Maddox," one of the first things that comes up is this steakhouse. Which has nothing to do with me, unfortunately, but I guarantee -
Dick: (interjects) How much are their steaks?
Maddox: Uh, if I ran the place it'd be like, 12 bucks! (Dick cackles) Here you go, here's your 12 dollar steak and your 8 dollar wine, dipshit! Here you go! (cracking up) Oh, if you want I'll give you the deluxe package of my, uh, "superior" wine and my fancy aged steak! You idiots.
Dick: You see the condescension? (grinning) (Maddox laughs loudly) I don't think he knows he's doing it.
Leah: Wow.
Dick: It's immediately - IMMEDIATELY he was running a respectable steakhouse and immediately he got condescending.
Maddox: I can't help it! I love it so much! (Leah laughs)
Dick: I do think...I'll probably bring this in, as we don't have time to talk about it now, but you have some kind of agenda against rich people.
Maddox: Okay! Great. (disdainful)
Dick: That's the problem here - you don't like rich people enjoying their wine, feeling good about paying a little of money for whatever...
Maddox: 'Cause they're idiots. They're just paying more money and THINKING they're getting quality. You know what? I'd *love* to fleece these morons! I'm gonna open up a steakhouse and charge a thousand dollars for just, fucking, Wal-Mart steaks! Right off the fuckin' shelf at Wal-Mart. I'll charge ya a thousand dollars, you morons. Come on in to my - (cracks up) - come into my steakhouse, I'll charge you whatever you wanna pay. And you'll think you have the best steak because you paid a thousand bucks for it.
Leah: Honestly, I went to a place called -- I don't know if we're allowed to defame businesses at all.
Maddox: Sure.
Leah: Um, Peter Luger's in Brooklyn, New York.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: It's AMAZING.
Leah: I didn't -- I had one experience there. The steak...
Dick: Me too.
Leah: ...was gross.
Dick: No! (astonished)
Leah: I mean, not gross, but it was just - it was *average* at best!
Maddox: Very average, yeah! I had a steak that cost 120 bucks, it was very average!
Leah: Yeah.
Dick: When you went to Peter Luger's, too?
Maddox: No, this was a place in New York -
Dick: (interjects) Alright, fuck that anyway, then. We're talkin' about Peter Luger's.
Maddox: Alright.
Dick: My sister hated the steak there, too.
Leah: Ah!
Dick: I went there with her. I LOVED it.
Maddox: Oh, did you pay a lot for it, Dick? (wryly)
Dick: Uh...oh, yeah. I don't even remember how much I paid.
Maddox: Ahh. I think you're the most suggestible person here. (Dick laughs) That's why you think your steaks are so great, 'cause you PAY a lot. (mocking)
Dick: No no no, but they deliver it...Leah, did they deliver it -- it's like a hubcap-size steak. They don't even precut it. We had like 5 people, so they just - the guy just nods and walks away and comes back with a steak that looked like a brontosaurus burger.
Maddox: Well, that's a sign of quality, when you get a LOT of somethin'. (laughs along with Leah) "Here you go! Here's an all-you-can-eat buffet, Dick!"
Dick: It was awesome, though.
Leah: Never-ending pasta bowl.
Dick: Is that what happened to you when you were - did they do it like that?
Leah: No. Well, I just got one for a normal person. But it was not...it was just sub-par. There was nothing great about it. It was actually fatty, and...
Dick: Yeah!
Leah: ...wasn't good.
Dick: No, that's a good - that's a good thing! You want that.
Leah: No! Like, marbled - it wasn't...it was tough, it wasn't good!
Maddox: Yeah. Well, did you order it medium-rare? How do you like your steak?
Leah: Medium-rare.
Maddox: Okay, that's the way to order it! And how about you, Dick?
Dick: Uh - no, dude, we just...I was so drunk, that guy took one look at us and he's like...I'm just like, "Five, five, five!" (slurred voice) Like, barfing it at him and he's like, "Okay, okay, I got it." And he just brought back...steak...he just brought things back to the table.
Maddox: So in your drunken stupor, you thought that you had a great steak.
Dick: Oh, it wasn't a stupor. It was like the Tas-- that was a bad -- that was like, a Tasmanian devil night. I wasn't in a stupor yet.
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: It was amazing, though.
Maddox: So being drunk, you thought you had a great steak. That says everything.
Dick: I had a great time! (Maddox bursts out laughing) That's all I need to know. I had a great time, the steak was delicious.
Maddox: Ohh. You know what, Dick? I just wanna get you all liquored up, spin you around a couple times, take you to a buffet, have you sit down...you'll have the time of your life eating whatever shit they serve you.
Leah: Yeah! If we bring in clowns and ponies and all kinds of balloon animal guys, you know...
Maddox: Yeah! That's what Dick wants.
Leah: ...and you're eating a shitty steak -
Dick: (interjects) So you think I'm like, 5 years old? (chuckling) (Maddox and Leah laugh) Why would I want clowns and ponies?
Leah: I - of course I do! So, yeah. If you're...or titty dancers, whatever you love, you know, surrounding you.
Dick: Okay! I like!
Maddox: Ooo, yeah, you're selling him.
Leah: And you have a 5 dollar Ralph's steak, you know, and you're eating it but you're having a great time - that influences your experience.
Maddox: Yeah, it does!
Dick: Absolutely!
Leah: So it's not the steak!
Maddox: You know, one other thing -
Dick: (interjects) That's what you're PAYING for!
Maddox: No, but that's what you *think* you're paying for, Dick!
Dick: That's what the money's for!! (yelling) (Leah laughs)
Maddox: No, you're not.
Dick: It costs money to put on that show!
Maddox: Oh, Jesus. Okay, you've backed down from the "money buys you a good steak because of experience" and now you're just sayin', "Well, I just had a good time, 'cause I was drunk." (laughs)
Dick: No no, they were inseparable!
Maddox: No, that's not true. You can have good food at a shitty restaurant, and vice-versa. Like, you can have a shitty time at a great restaurant. It doesn't matter. And also, this article mentioned - one last thing - they said that the type of music you listen to before you taste wine influences how much you like the wine!
Leah: Oh my god, really?
Maddox: Yes! (in unison with Dick)
Maddox: If you listen to Hendrix, you'll happen to like Bordeaux a little bit better...or merlots, or whatever...versus different types of music - it puts you in a different mood! So your frame of mind - let's say you just had a fuckin' bad day, you might hate the wine you just tasted!
Leah: Well, this... people are -
Dick: (interjects) You might want a specif-- go, sorry, go ahead.
Leah: I was just gonna say, people are spending money on these studies? This is a STUDY? (Dick and Maddox laugh loudly) This is fuckin' stupid!
Dick: Oh, yeah! Now I know my problem for next week!
Maddox: Okay, great.
Dick: Maddox's horseshit studies! (Maddox laughs) Horseshit practical jokes being perpetrated in the name of science.
Maddox: Sure. Except here's the thing, Leah: they could either spend the money on these studies ONCE, or spend thousands of dollars on bullshit, made-up wine experts who are telling you how much you should pay for these bullshit-ass wines that are based on NOTHING, just a coin toss! According to the article, they found that it's - you're just as likely to get the correct wine just by a coin toss. (Leah chuckles) So you could pay thousands of dollars for a study once, or thousands of dollars on bullshit. Which one -- and apparently Dick prefers bullshit.
Sean: Why would you believe a study that was done one time? (Dick explodes with laughter)
Maddox: Sean...
(Dick keeps roaring with laughter and starts clapping)
Maddox: Sean, I cited at least 5 studies - fuck you, Dick - (Leah chuckles) - pisses me off. You guys all PISS ME OFF! I'm gonna erase this episode! There's gonna be NO EPISODE this week! (laughs)
Dick: Hahahahaha! Alright. So the problems are: my "Maddox Doesn't Get Enough Credit" -
Maddox: Thank you.
Dick: - or, "Gets No Respect." What do you like? "Maddox Gets No Respect"?
Maddox: Yeah, uh - "credit."
Dick: "Maddox Gets..."
Maddox: Or - yeah, I don't know, we'll figure it out when we, uh...
Dick: "Maddox Doesn't Get Enough Credit OR Respect"?
Maddox: Yes. BOTH. Thank you. And especially this show! Alright. And Leah, your problem -
Dick: You gotta stick with one of them, though.
Maddox: Okay. Well, what was your problem, Leah?
Leah: Social cues.
Maddox: Social cues, and mine was -
Dick: (interjects) "People Who Don't Pick Up On Social Cues."
Leah: Yes.
Maddox: Right, People Who Don't Pick Up on Social Cues. And mine was Wine Snobs...should be the biggest problem in the universe. And by the way, I just wanna mention - check out Leah's Twitter account. It's @leahtiscione, T-I-S-C-I-O-N-E. We'll like to it on the website, because I know you idiots aren't typing this down or some of you are probably driving a truck, or whatever. But uh -
Dick: (interjects) I wanna click on my ear, just when I hear that website.
Maddox: Yeah, right? (chuckling)
Dick: That's how deep the internet is in my brain.
Maddox: Yeah.
Dick: Are there pictures of you up on that website?
Leah: Oh, GOD...no!
Maddox: Jesus, Dick...put it in your PANTS, man! Alright. So, again, go to -
Dick: (interjects) People would wanna know that!
Maddox: Okay - yeah, they might, and maybe we'll do it but not if you're gonna be such a CREEP about it. Jesus! Alright. So go to the website, thebiggestproblemintheuniverse.com and check out these problems. (closing riff starts) Vote on all these problems, check out Leah's website, and her Twitter page!
Dick: Thanks for listening.
Maddox: Thanks guys.
Leah: Bye!