Episode 91

February 9, 2016, Dick

Episode 91 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster

Food Waste 1981
No One Teaches You How To Have Sex Good 1178
Q-Tips -281

Is there a doctor in the house? We're all going to need one after this episode because my Spidey/specious medical advice senses are tingling. But what set them off?

Special thanks to Harry's for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry's website and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase.

Also, special thanks to Audible. Check out http://audiblepodcast.com/biggest for a free 30 day trial.

I bring in the problem of Food Waste. Did you know one out of four calories produced in the world go straight into the trash? If only the same could be said of Tumblr posts, "think pieces", and celebrities. The world would be a much better place. It's even worse in the United States, where 30-40% of the food supply is wasted. If only the same could be said of my state of inebriation. The world would be a much better place.

Recently, France passed a law preventing supermarkets from disposing of perfectly good food that looks a little fucky, and then doing shit like dumping bleach on it to make it inedible for the homeless and destitute. I'm all for a good prank, but even as a libertarian, I can say that that is a questionable use of bleach.

Robin Higgins is back with the steamy problem of No One Teaches You How To Fuck Good. She's right, but I don't know if we solved her problem this episode. Robin presents some great advice like don't do any bits during sex and why do I hate women? She also brings in an idea for a "boring porn" that would serve as an instructional video and teach us all how to fuck more good. Also, I offer to electronically screen potential gentleman suitors for Robin this Valentine's Day. Hit me with your best lines. Be creative. I've heard and said them all. And speaking of Robin, check out her in-depth theory on whether or not Pat Sajak and Vanna White have boned:

Maddox ends the episode with Q-Tips. According to half of the people on this podcast, Q-Tips are cotton swabs you use to clean your ears. According to the other half, they're titillating sticks of sensual pleasure that ride your earhole g-spots into a world of addicting ecstasy. I'm not exaggerating. Maddox says that Q-Tips are dangerous to use and that having wax in your ears is good for you and part of the body's natural defenses against things like germs and dust and assholes who disagree with you. I have no idea if this is true. If you're a doctor, please reach out via email. This might be the most important consultation you've ever weighed in on. If Maddox is right, I have several hundred Q-Tips I need to throw away and then pour bleach on. I don't want any homeless people getting addicted to fucking their earholes with fuzzy sticks. Here's Betty White shilling for Q-Tips you aren't supposed to use:

And the questionable alternative, WaxVac:

Speaking of getting your earholes fucked, check out this month's bonus episode for $1.33

Sources: CDC - Prevalence of violence by an intimate partner by gender and sexual orientation. World Food Day USA - Food waste facts. The Guardian - New French food waste law. Washington Post - We have a Q-Tips problem. WBUR.org - Danger of using Q-Tips.

Thumbnail by Eliazar Tatar Thumbnail Sources: guy reading, facepalm.