Episode 83

December 15, 2015, Dick

Episode 83 Transcript courtesy of Laurie Foster and Megan Pennock

Geriatric Action Heroes 1261
Star Wars Prequel Apologists 1241
Too Much Star Wars Merchandise 973

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away....

EPISODE 83: A New Pair of Underpants

This week, we join Emperor Maddox aboard his fully operational Rant Star as he wields the might of the Pedantic Empire in a battle to destroy the rebel forces of Too Much Star Wars Merchandise. If you hate pointless brand licensing like BB-8 oranges, Han Solo Pop-Tarts, and Jabba the Hutt toilet paper, get out your up-voting blaster and shoot first, or be prepared to live in a Star Wars-less future caused by brand fatigue.

Special thanks to Harry's for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry's website and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" when checking out to feel the Force and get $5 off your first purchase.

Source: Metro.co.uk

Will Emperor Maddox be the one to bring balance to the force of intellectual property? Or will Disney fuck it up? You, the voters, are our only hope.

Then, Han Asterios-olo stops by and tells us about his battle with newest show enemy #1: Darth Wayne Brady. The force is strong with Wayne Brady. The force of being a jealous hater that is. If Midichlorians were sand, Wayne Brady would sure have a lot of them in his vagina.

Here is Asterios' controversial appearance on Let's Make a Deal. Fuck you, Wayne Brady. We are your father.

Asterios also brings in Star Wars Prequel Apologists. However, he fails to compare them to Hitler. Will that hurt him? Vote or do not, there is no try.

Or maybe those weren't the problems you were looking for.

Finally, I, Captain Dick Tiberius Kirk, bring in the problem of Geriatric Action Heroes. In the last decade, the average age of a movie action hero has risen from 35.5 to 48.4. I don't know about you, but I don't want to imagine my action heroes getting prostate exams. I also don't want to see Han Solo shooting up space Cialis to plug some shaved Wookiee.

Here is the picture of Sylvester Stallone referenced in the show. In the left is Sly in his iconic role of Rocky. On the right, slightly older, is his appearance as Chaz Bono.

Check out Asterios' The Enemies of Twenty-Something Mega Man Part II: www.devastatorpress.com/megaman2 And follow him on Twitter @asterios.

Incredible thumbnail courtesy of Ali Hassanein Instagram - https://instagram.com/alihassanein

Sources: Metro.co.uk - The Star Wars food collaborations need to end now. ABC News - Star Wars themed burger tastes exactly like regular burger. Forbes - The Frozen Effect. Marketingweek.com - Brand fatigue and brand affection across the globe. Moz.com - Why no one pays attention to your marketing. Telegraph.co.uk - Geriatric Action Heroes.