Episode 101

April 19, 2016, Dick

Episode 101 Transcript courtesy of Laurie F. and Megan Pennock

The War On Drugs 919
Ducking Autocorrect 439
The Golem Effect 276

In this episode, we talk about how Sean's problem changed someone's life, Maddox makes a big bet that's bigger than the entire solar system-or just slightly smaller than his ego. And I talk about personal freedoms for like 30 minutes on this very special libertarian holiday.

Special thanks to Harry's for sponsoring this episode. Go to Harry's website and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" when checking out to get $5 off your first purchase.

4/20 is like a Festivus of running your mouth for the world's most annoying, academically-enlightened know-it-alls: libertarians and drug addicts. I manage to combine both in my problem of the War on Drugs. The war on drugs has failed on all fronts. It has not lessened drug use, addiction, or abuse. It has increased ten-fold the number of Americans in for-profit prisons, and it has bent minorities and Mexico over and ducked them up the ass. The only thing the war on drugs has succeeded in doing is making mushrooms extremely difficult for me to find even though I promised these chicks I would get them some last weekend, so what am I supposed to do here?

Maddox brings in The Golem Effect because he really loves Lord of the Rings. Nerd! The Golem Effect is the phenomenon of lower expectations resulting in lower performance. In a way, Maddox is right. Samwise expected Golem to be a dick, and he was a dick. But in another way, Maddox is wrong because Golem was always a dick and had dicketry in his heart-even way back in the director's cut when Smeagol kills his Hobbit friend to get the Ring of Power in the first place. That's why the ring was able to corrupt him so completely and not Frodo, because he was a dick. Also, he talked like an asshole. Vote up Golem.

I bring in Ducking Autocorrect. Have you ever messaged your mom for sex or texted your girlfriend that you can't wait to get at her Holocaust after work? Have you ever used four "ha's" when you only meant to use three? You probably have if you use the half-broken technological piece of shot known as autocorrect. Autocorrect is like that one relationship you suspect you'd be better without, but it would take so much work to find out for sure. And by "that one" relationship I mean all relationships. Ducking relationships!

Here are the suggestions from Maddox's phone when he types "I'm an..."

A photo posted by Maddox (@realmaddox) on

And here's the transcript of the voice-to-text segment during this episode that Maddox recorded. If you want to follow along, it starts at time-code 01:15:31. It drops out during a few parts because it's shitty technology:

Yeah right now I'm doing voice to text and I'm just see how much of this translates correctly for auto correct then we're going to post this on the website but the rest of the conversation were going to see how much of it translates it also takes on the personality of your texting if I text like I already said this person was muted reaction never gets the right number of has in there cuz I never want that that's usually something I actually chuckled I want sex to me in a text I typed it I don't want you throwing it in there like that didn't mean she didn't come here for some sex at the office no I didn't know I got up and I got to explain something that we both know we both know why it happened but I got it compulsively explain it like I have this like I'm the only one on earth in the office with a magical device that fucked up my text everybody has it so I'll call you in a sec what's the style doing a lot of this is voice to text it's a voice to text but autocorrect what you type an animal to animal but like your butt with a voyager which ones closer I'm pretty close to an nuclear Holocaust when everybody's ducking and covering all the time he won't even cover the shooting the shit you know what the problem is Dick it's a lawyer because they don't want to Google the problem because they don't want Google doesn't want to accidentally put in the word fucking when someone actually meant or anything else they're playing outside like our programs not good enough to figure out what are you getting paid by auto correct I call you every night and didn't leave your pet's head in your bed why the fuck are you doing are you defending autocorrect iPhone touch screens with holes because if you guys can remember back in the day when we have a keyboard to type quickly it was correct all the time all the time keyboard who couldn't spell definitely and separate the what additional defiantly I don't know and when I meant you know what I think it's just a really bad they have these models that try to predict what you're saying in contact and able to use the whiskey does it by creating these models that look at your text and then try to

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Sources: Drug Policy - War on Drugs stats LiveScience.com - Acid flashbacks can and do occur Wikipedia - The Golem Effect