Biggest Solution in the Universe - Episode 06

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

(Heavy metal theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Solution In The Universe! I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson…

Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy? (grinning)

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.

Sean: Hello.

Maddox: Welcome back, people.

Dick: Wooo!

Maddox: Bonus Episode Number Six.

Dick: Halfway through the season.

Maddox: Yeah, that's true.

Dick: We're halfway through the season.

Maddox: Yeah, we are halfway through the season. And thanks again for supporting the show, guys. It really, really helps out.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: By the way, Dick, so…one of the big reasons we started doing these bonus episodes and had ads on the regular shows is to help pay for certain things like pay for people to produce bits for us or transcribers.

Dick: Asterios.

Maddox: Yeah, Asterios.

Dick: Boisterous Coconuts.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Gotta pay that guy, because you don't believe in having people work for free.

Maddox: No, of course not.

Dick: I do, you don't. (Maddox cracks up) I would chop that fucking guy's comedy up with nothing!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like, "Asterios, you put your comedy out there, and you like it!!" (Maddox laughs) Not Maddox, 'cause you're a good person.

Maddox: Yeah, uh…

Dick: Is that accurate?

Maddox: That's accurate.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'm the best person. The best person in the universe. Uh, yeah. So, all the transcriptions are up for every single episode, including the bonus episodes. Guys, if you haven't checked those out, really look through them, 'cause there's some…there's some subtle intonations they add in there. They pick up on things that we were saying.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: In between the things we were saying. You know what I mean? So sometimes they'll be writing something and in parentheses, they'll say "with a wink", or "nodding", or "smiling", or whatever. (grins) Even though they can't see us, they hear it.

Dick: They…they take liberties. (Maddox laughs) They take too many liberties every once in a while.

Maddox: Oh, too many, huh?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, so all the transcriptions are up.

Dick: I'm doing a lot of winking in those transcriptions. I don't know if I'm comfortable with that.

Maddox: Yeah, you're always winking, buddy. Um, alright. Well, let's get this out of the way. (sighs) Biggest solutions from last time. Huge upset! Soap.

Dick: Soap, really?! (incredulous) (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) You fucker. Oh, you're acting all surprised, like you didn't know look! (angry)

Dick: I didn't know that!

Maddox: You didn't look?

Dick: No!

Maddox: Yeah, fuck…fuck you! Soap!

Dick: Ohohoho!!! Great!! (grinning)

Maddox: Your fucking bullshit. You know what? And then Anonymous Comments. That was a solution…how is that a solution to anything? You were the…

(Sound clip: Titanic theme starts)

Maddox: Oh, you motherfucker!!! (Dick and Sean crack up) (Maddox gives in and laughs) You piece of shit! You mother…you…

Dick: (interjects) I got a sweep! Clean sweep. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. I'm so happy for you, Dick. (dripping with sarcasm)

Dick: Yeah!! (big grin)

Maddox: I'm so happy for the…

Dick: (interjects) Well, soap is a big…stinkiness is a big problem, filth is a big problem. It's haunted our…species.

(Song continues: "Maaadddox is an asshole…"

Dick: For thousands of years. (laughs) Oh, soap is a great solution, man! You need it every day. What else do you need every day? It turns you from a savage into a human being. You go for three days without soap, you feel like a fucking animal! You get some soap on your body, you feel like a human! It's the basis of civilization! (rants)

(Song continues in the background)

Maddox: Dick Masterson.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Sounds like a Dove campaign over here! (disgusted) Love your body. (Dick cracks up) THIS BULLSHIT SONG!! (angry) I fucking hate this song! I hate, hate, hate, this fucking song! (Dick is still laughing) Making me so mad! Oh, I just wanna eat my own dick off! UGH! (Dick cracks up) This fucking bullshit ass song!

Dick: Aaaahhh. (satisfied)

Maddox: I hate it! I hate the voice. I hate the singing. I hate everything. Go fuck YOURSELF!!

(Song trails off)

Maddox: Fuck you.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: You know what? I got a comment. That was…the person who made that song, his name's Grant Mooney, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: The first comment I wanna bring in is from Grant Mooney. (Dick giggles) Uh…he said, "Looking forward to the Penn & Teller Best Show in the Universe episode in another 6 years. Can't wait!" sarcastically. (annoyed) Okay, Grant? I picked up on your sarcasm. Then he followed up with, "Uh, hey man, I'm just happy to be a part of the process, even if the process I'm being a part of is Maddox withholding content for another year to spite his fans."

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Well, congratulations, Grant Mooney, you're getting' spited. So, fuck you. Everyone…you can send your thanks to Grant for de…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, he's getting spited? What are you doing? (grins)

Maddox: Well, so he wanted me to talk about…I think in the last…

Dick: About Penn & Teller.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He wanted me to talk about that Penn & Teller episode I was on.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: And I mentioned how it was going to be a Best Show in the Universe episode.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Rather than a podcast episode.

Dick: Right, sure.

Maddox: Because it's a visual medium, right? And he said…and then I mentioned at some point that sometimes I spite my fans?

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you're delaying it on account of him?

Maddox: On account of him!

Dick: For how long?!

Maddox: Yeah! I…(sputters) We'll see!

Dick: Ohoho!! Man. (laughs)

Maddox: It depends on his behavior, doesn't it? (Dick cracks up) It depends on his behavior and how often I hear that fucking bullshit-ass song.

Dick: It depends on his behavior. (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. And then Addresses. And then…and THEN, dead last, Oculus Rift! At least it was in the positive territory, though.

Dick: Yeah, barely, man! (grins)

Maddox: You guys are idiots. Everyone's an idiot except for me. I have said that from day one, and I firmly, staunchly, believe it. I want that on my tombstone. "Everyone's An Idiot Except For Me."

Dick: I got some voice…oh, um. This ones from Tim Prowant. "Maddox, aren't you even just a little afraid that Sean might accidentally delete you while you are in the Oculus Rift?" (Maddox cracks up) That's a good point.

Maddox: Sean. Sean rolled his eyes so hard just now. (laughing) Yeah. Um…

Dick: A couple taps of the finger. You're like Ray Charles over there. BLOOP! There goes Maddox.

Sean: I do everything very efficiently. (deadpan)

Maddox: (laughing) Including deleting…efficiently. (cracking up)

Sean: You should have seen…you would have been in awe how fast I did that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: And then also how quickly I spent 300 bucks on a couple recovery programs. (laughs)

Maddox: Ohhhh, yeah. Oh, you bought recovery pro…

Sean: (interjects) You've never seen somebody spend 300 bucks faster on recovery programs.

Maddox: Oh, man. I got some malware on my fucking computer 'cause I was trying to find a recovery program for your Mac. Your bullshit-ass Mac?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, then we found…I think it was ProTools just immediately, like, overwrites it.

Sean: Yeah.

Dick: It doesn't go through the norm…whatever. We talked about it enough.

Maddox: Alright, nerds.

Sean: Later.

Maddox: So I got a comment from Laurie Foster, speaking of transcribers. Laurie's one of our transcribers. Thank you, Laurie. Laurie and Megan. They do an excellent job transcribing each episode. Uh, Laurie said…this was one of the top comments. She said, "I like how the Oculus Rift could have potentially been a very good and philosophically interesting solution, but instead, Maddox spent most of his time talking about using it for TV…"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "…which then devolved into a very weird discussion about cheating on your girlfriend by sticking your dick into the Earth." (they all crack up) And she said, "What about using the Oculus Rift for education? Bring children on field trips to various locations and teach them about flora and fauna without ever leaving the classroom. What about using the Oculus Rift for surgeries and medical procedures, or 3D movies?" she just went on, and on, and on.

Dick: Yeah, yeah. Can you stick your dick in any of that stuff?!!?

Maddox: Yeah. You know what, guys…

Sean: Or as you said, more efficient programming.

Maddox: Yeah, and she's like…

Sean: (interjects) He uses the Oculus Rift…

Dick: Oculus Rift to write code. (Sean cracks up)

Sean: More efficiently.

Maddox: You guys laugh now. (Dick laughs) You're so behind, man. You guys are so…look, I would've gotten to that stuff if we had, like, a 5-hour long episode, 'cause the potential here is limitless.

Dick: Oh. You just wanted to get to the important stuff, first. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. (scoffs)

Maddox: You know what, man? I just…I was enthusiastic because I had just used it and I just wanted to share my enthusiasm with you guys.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: I'm sorry it was lost on you apes. You…you…(Sean laughs)

Dick: You were recently enlightened!

(Sound clip: Monkey hooting)

Dick: You were a recently enlightened person and you wanted to share your experience! (grins)

Maddox: That's…that's not my problem. That's not my problem. I don't give a shit! That's not mine. That was Whitney's. That's not me. I don't care. Whatever. Buncha apes.

(Voice mail: (male voice) "Funny that a few weeks ago, Maddox defended Nerd Culture as being a problem, because on the last solutions episode, he claimed he was gonna use this special virtual reality video game to enslave all those he finds to be inferior and force them to do nothing (Maddox giggles in the background) but mine resources so that he never has to get up off the couch."

Maddox: Yep.

"That's the nerdiest shit I've ever heard in my life." (Maddox and Dick crack up) "Probably one good thing about that virtual reality video game is maybe Dick can use it to go fuck himself."

Dick: Awwwwwwwww. (Maddox laughs) Oooh.

Maddox: Yeah. It's not just video games, you idiots. Like, you don't understand. Yeah, you can do surgeries in this thing. You can go to places you've never been in this thing. You can do…

Dick: You can do surgeries on what, fake people?

Maddox: No, you can actually have a surgeon. Like, let's say there's a world class surgeon.

Dick: Uh-huh. (skeptical)

Maddox: Who lives in Dubai. And somebody in America has a really rare procedure that needs to be done. And this guy's the best of the best. And rather than fly him out and wait 24 hours or 17 hours or however long it takes for him to be there physically, they can just put him with this machine that he controls his limbs remotely and then does the surgery remotely.

Dick: Yeah. Alright.

Maddox: Don't you think that's amazing technology?

Dick: Not really. Just put him on a plane.

Maddox: Oh. (sighs, disgusted)

Dick: Like, all these applications of your video games are such a stretch. I get it. He can…yeah, he could do it in bed. He could just sit there being in bed, doing surgeries all around the world…but I just…I'd rather him be there.

Maddox: Well, who…

Dick: (interjects) I'd rather fly the guy there.

Maddox: Well, who wouldn't, Dick, but say there is a surgery that he has to do in Ohio, and then one in Germany, and then one in Spain. You're just gonna put him on a plane and he's gonna be fatigued? He's gonna show up and do a shitty job? Are you kidding me? There's not enough time! What…how do you treat time?

Dick: What kind of surgeries is this guy doing?

Maddox: All…the best kinds.

Dick: Alright, alright, look. I don't wanna get lost in the weeds, here. I…it was…I got something special for you.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In light of all this Oculus Rift stuff, alright?

Maddox: Uh-huh. Okay.

Dick: I've been…I've been kinda beating you up with the winning recently.

Maddox: Mhmm. (annoyed)

Dick: So I wanted to make that up to you.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: So I got you a special present.

Maddox: Oh, you got me a present.

Dick: This was not easy to find.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: This was not easy to get a hold of.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Alright? I know how much you…I know how much the Oculus Rift means to you. (Maddox laughs) Alright? So…

Maddox: Whoaaaaaaa!! I'm getting excited here. Wait a second. So, first of all, uh…Dick…

Dick: Hold on, it's heavy.

Maddox: Dick is handing me this giant box with Christmas wrapping on it. (giggles)

Dick: That's all I had. And I only had enough to cover part of the box. (giggles)

Maddox: He only covered the top…hold on, let's…I gotta take a picture of this.

Dick: Alright, go ahead.

Maddox: We're gonna post a picture of this on the website.

Dick: Now, it took me awhile to track this thing down.

Maddox: Alright. Here we go. I'm gonna open this up. (crumples) Oh my…this is a heavy box.

Dick: This is als…yeah, it's heavy! It surprised me how heavy it was, actually. You can just open it from there. (tearing sounds) I think you…I think you'll really….(Maddox cracks up laughing)

Maddox: You motherfucker.

Dick: I think you'll really appreciate this. (Sean dies of laughter in the background) It's basically the same thing as an Oculus Rift.

Maddox: Piece of shit! He got me a Viewmaster. Those 3D Viewmasters. Those red things that you put the little slides in and you click. (Sean still cracking up)

Dick: Maddox. You can go anywhere you want with this device. (Maddox chuckles) And at a fraction of the price. You can go to Dinosaur Land. You can try it in the box! It says "Try Me" right now. You can put your eyeballs in it.

Maddox: You know what, Dick? I…I was about to bitch you out, and I turned it around, and the first thing on the back says, "Age of the Dinosaurs" and it shows dinosaurs, and I thought, "Ooh, that's cool." (they all crack up)

Dick: I don't know if you could perform surgery with that thing…

Maddox: No, you CAN'T perform surgery…you don't understand that the virtual reality is going to be better…is a better experience than real…actual reality.

Dick: Alright. (grins)

Maddox: You don't understand it.

Dick: No, I know, I know. (grins)

Maddox: You can't comprehend.

Dick: Simon…Simon Kempthorne says, "With Oculus Rift, Asterios Kokkinos can really become a digital cyberdemon."

Maddox: Oh, that's a scary thought.

Dick: It's true. Uh…John White asks, "Maddox, how do you program with your forearms?"

Maddox: Is that a pun? Is that a Goro pun joke because I said I was gonna become Goro and have four arms.

Dick: I dunno.

Maddox: Is he saying "four", eff oh ewe arr? Or eff oh arr ee?

Dick: He's saying it like the body part.

Maddox: Like forearms!

Dick: I think he's saying your forearms are gigantic. How do you program with those things?

Maddox: Oh, yeah.

Dick: Like Popeye.

Maddox: They get in the way.

Dick: Alright. Let's, um…now that all the fun is over with, let's watch some Titanic.

Maddox: Is there anything else in there?

Dick: Oh, just some books, so it felt heavier than it was.

Maddox: Ohhhh, you motherfucker! I thought you were gonna give me an Oculus Rift! You made me all happy! (Dick cracks up) I'm so pissed off! This is bullshit. (upset)

Dick: Maddox, look. You can go to a wild animal park…

Maddox: Yeah that's…that is kinda cool. And there's, uh…let's see. Images from Discovery Kids. Marine life, French angel fish love to eat sea sponges.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I didn't know that. I just learned something.

Dick: Try it out! Look in it. What do you see?

Maddox: Oh, great. Safari adventures! Gorillas are the largest primates and are similar to humans in many ways. Oh, I see dinosaurs! This is pretty cool. (laughs) Oh, wow! This is actually pretty…you guys are idiots! You don't think this is cool?

Dick: Well, yeah. I think that's cool. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. I just see dinosaurs in this. This is the b…this is better than I expected. Backfire, dickhead! (Dick laughs) Yeah. I'm happy!

Dick: I…I WANT you to enjoy it! (Maddox laughs) I want it to tide you over until science can remove your brainstem and plug in a bunch of electrodes.

Maddox: I can't…I can't wait, you asshole. I can't wait.

Dick: Alright. So when we last left Titanic…(Maddox growls) a guy with an Oculus Rift-type headset was navigating a submarine deep in the wreckage of the Titanic. On the search for something interesting.

Maddox: Yeah, well. They're not gonna find it in that movie. (Dick chuckles)

(Dick starts playing video clip from Titanic)

Dick: Oh, Maddox. Look at that.

Maddox: I'm not gonna look, Dick. I've not seen a single frame of this movie.

Dick: What is it? It looks like a safe. Or a mantle.

Maddox: Except for the boobs. I'm not gonna look!

Dick: There might be boobs, though.

Maddox: It's not…

Dick: Lookit, this robot has some boobs.

Maddox: You know how I know it's not boobs? I have the boob formula for movies. I made that when I was 16 years old.

Dick: What is that?

Maddox: I'll tell you right after this bullshit ends.

Dick: Look, it's a piano.

(Clip continues in background as the team on Titanic searches through the ship)

Maddox: I'm not gonna look.

Dick: Where was that piano used?

Maddox: Probably up someone's ass.

Dick: Maybe a ghost. (Maddox scoffs) Maybe a ghost is gonna start playing it.

Maddox: I wish. If there were ghosts on the Titanic…

(They start muttering in the clip about finding something)

Dick: They found something. There's the guy with the Oculus Rift.

Maddox: I…am looking at my crotch.

Dick: Isn't that music suspenseful, at least?

Maddox: I dunno, is…(burps) this suspenseful, Dick? (laughs)

Dick: They're in! They got something.

(Clip ends)

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: What could it be?!

Maddox: Well, I'm gonna guess it's a ship full of dead people, 'cause they're morons who were obsessed with this one shipwreck. That's what it is! It's a literal shipwreck.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Fucking bullshit-ass movie. (irritated) About adultery. That's what it is. Celebration of adultery. Yeah, so I have the boob formula.

Dick: What is it?

Maddox: A long time ago, my friends and I would rent a whole bunch of softcore porn and action movies that we knew had boobs in them, and generally, within the first 15 minutes, the first quarter of the movie, about 6 to 8 minutes in, there was a boob scene. If it's past the 11-minute mark, it's gonna be at the 14-minute mark. Around the 14-minute mark. And then, after that, around the middle of the movie, there's another sex scene, and then, depending on how suspenseful the movie is…first of all, if anyone gets killed…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: …after the three-quarters mark in the movie, you're not gonna see any more boobs. Just turn it off.

Dick: Oh, that's interesting.

Maddox: That's a guarantee. Yeah. Because it changes…

Dick: (interjects) Like, what movie can you think of that did that? Or just all of 'em?

Maddox: All of 'em, yeah.

Dick: 'Cause all those 80's action movies had gratuitous tits leading up the action, and then it…once…I think you're right. I don't remember any afterwards.

Maddox: Well, there's a series called Night Trap. And it was a Shannon Tweed series. You know who Shannon Tweed is?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, famous softcore pornstar actress.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: And most of her movies…I based the formula on her movies. If someone died near the three-quarters mark, it changed the tone of the movie, and you were…like, people who are jerking off aren't gonna be into it anymore.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: So it changed the tone of the movie, made it darker. And you never saw any more boobs after that. Uh…if you did, it would be a shower scene right before the murder, but that's it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, the best sex scene is usually in the middle of the movie. It's the longest one. It's usually, you know, the climax. So, anyway. That's my boob theory.

Dick: Yeah, like Demolition Man sticks to that formula. Tits right up front.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Then nothing. Under Siege.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Girl pops out of the cake.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Then nothing.

Maddox: I wouldn't know anymore, because they don't make softcore porn movies anymore.

Dick: These kids today!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Are so spoiled.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We had to make up formulas to find boobs in movies. We had to watch scrambly spice channels, and like, try to identify areolas in the static.

Maddox: It was fun. That was fun!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I would sit up all night…and then, it was perfect, too, because if my parents came in the room and they saw the scrambled porn, of course, it was not part of their generation, so they had no idea what I was doing.

Dick: No idea.

Maddox: I would just hit mute and it'd just look like scrambly bullshit. But every now and then, there was that magic moment.

Dick: Yep!

Maddox: Where you'd have a second or two of unscrambled porn.

Dick: Yeah, it was, like…something, like synced up in the static.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it would, like…for a moment, it would rotate at the same speed, like, watching, like…a tape.

Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Like, for a moment it would be in sync and it would just…it would wash the screen in green pornography.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And you would go, "Oh my god, I'm burning this into my brain."

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Uh…for those who've never seen this effect, it's kind of hard to explain, but there was a…you know the vertical hold on old TVs, they would be, like, kind of a vertical hold out of sync, and a horizontal hold out of sync.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So it was kind of both, like, X and Y axes were kind of wiggly and wobbly.

Dick: Uh-huh. (giggles)

Maddox: And every now and then, it just…you know. It just straightened up. And you could see uncensored boobs.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It was…it was a magical moment.

Dick: We had it rough.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, you wanna get to a…solution?

Maddox: Yeah, I do wanna get to a solution, Dick. (exhales) But before I get to my solution, I have a story to tell. Leading up to it.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So, you remember a couple of episodes back, during the regular show. I talked about hippies. And specifically, my neighbor, who is a hippie.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who sprayed water inside my car windows! (angry) You remember that, Dick? You remember that, Sean?

Dick: Yeah. Unbelievable.

Maddox: Like, crazy, crazy neighbor.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Well, she's at it again.

Dick: Oh. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: Good.

Maddox: She's at it again, except, this time, I have a recording of her. (Dick cracks up)

Dick: Okay. (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah. I'm bringing in, for the first time ever in Biggest Problem in the Universe history…or Biggest Solution. A recording of my crazy hippie neighbor yelling and berating the neighborhood. And now, she has a new toy, Dick. She's running around the neighborhood with a megaphone!

Dick: Oh, my god.

Maddox: So I was sitting in my apartment working…and I kept hearing this car alarm going off. Or what I thought was a car alarm. It just went off, and then it would start and stop, and start and stop, in an interval that was too fast for a car alarm, and I thought, "What the fuck is this noise?"

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Eventually, I went outside to investigate. And I saw this…this poor lady, who was trying to deliver a package from Amazon to the apartment next door to the crazy hippie neighbor.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And the lady was scared because the crazy hippie was chasing her around with a megaphone, screaming at her and blasting her with a siren!

Dick: At the delivery girl?

Maddox: At the delivery girl.

Dick: Oh, my god.

Maddox: So I went over and tried…

Dick: (interjects) You live in a mad house.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. It's insane. So I went over and tried to distract the hippie lady and here's…here's the first clip I wanna play for you guys. Listen…this is her using the megaphone. Listen to this.

(Clip starts: Siren wails…Maddox muttering)

Maddox: That's me.

Dick: Are you hiding yourself taping, or?

Maddox: No, I'm just standing outside.

Dick: Doing it surreptitiously? Or just right in her face?

(Clip ends, siren still going)

Maddox: No, I'm beh…I'm standing off to the side, watching her chase this poor lady around her delivery truck.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So, I felt bad and I thought, you know, this poor lady has no idea what she's in for. So I better go over there and disarm her. 'Cause this woman, this hippie, is violent! She has proclivity towards violence, 'cause she's punched me in the chest, you remember?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, so…

Dick: Call the cops. That's assault, brother.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, it is assault. It is assault.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh…and so, I walked up to her and I thought, "Well, I better rescue this poor lady, because she's gonna get punched. She doesn't know what's coming from this crazy, unstable, mean, belligerent, piece of shit hippie." So I walked up to the hippie, and this was my first interaction with her.

(Sound clip starts:

Hippie: (whining) Beh beh beh beh beh!! (taunting)

(Sean and Maddox laugh)

(Siren starts again)

Maddox: She's blasting me in the face with it.

Dick: Right in your face.

Hippie: Goodbye! Goodbye. And you…you kind of look like…like, you know…some like…a tall thing. (cackles)

(Clip ends)

Dick: A what? (creeped out)

Maddox: A tall…a tall thing. And then she just cackled. She's so…she's almost unintelligible.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, she reeks. She smells like shit. Maybe she could use some soap, Dick. Maybe your solution is a big solution. So…so then I confronted her and I said, "Hey, leave this lady alone. What's going on here?" And I…I think I told her she was just trying to make a delivery, leave her alone. And here's what she said.

(Sound clip starts again:

Maddox: Yeah? Can I help you?

Delivery woman: (unintelligible)…I'm trying to deliver and she's getting crazy.

Maddox: Yeah, I know.

Hippie: She's delivering a baby! And you…at the same time. (whispers)

(Clip ends)

Dick: Ohohohoho!!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: So…so, and that was the poor Amazon lady in the background. She said, "I'm just trying to deliver a package", and I was trying to comfort her. I said, "I know, I know. She's crazy. I'm trying to lure her away from you so you can deliver your package."

Dick: Which she thought was a baby?

Maddox: Yeah. Well, I guess. She said, "She's delivering a baby." I dunno, she's out of her fucking mind! She's an asshole. And, you know what? It's too generous to say that she's out of her mind, because that…that alleviates her of culpability, but I'll tell you in a minute why she is culpable. I'll tell you why. Um, so, here's when she started to really confront me, because uh…I lured her away from the lady. The poor lady was sitting in her car trying to call the police.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And…and here's what happened. Here's when the hippie lady came up to me.

(Sound clip:

Hippie: Right? What are you doing now? What?

Maddox: (censored), are you bored?

Hippie: Well, what? What did you just say?

Maddox: Are you…

(Maddox: I bleeped her name. I didn't want to play her name.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Yeah. Here.)

Hippie: No, before that, you said a name.

Maddox: Your name, (censored)?

Hippie: Yeah, who the fuck is…

(Dick: You're not just calling her a cunt and you're bleeping that out? (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No, I wish.)

Maddox: I've introduced myself several times to you.

Hippie: Wait a minute. Are you over there?

Maddox: No.

Hippie: Well, where are you?

Maddox: I'm not gonna tell.

Hippie: Well, you know what? You know what? (unintelligible) I just wanna take my fist and just fucking pound it into your head.

(Dick cackles maniacally)

Hippie: (unintelligible)…fucking shit motherfucker! And you can't, like…you can't…

(Clip ends)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Dude. She sounds like the crazy chick from Pulp Fiction. At the beginning of Pulp Fiction?

Maddox: Ohh, yeah!!

Dick: "I'll execute every one of you last motherfuckers!" (crazy voice) That chick.

Maddox: Yeah!

Sean: Amanda Plummer?

Dick: Yeah, yeah.

Maddox: And she has that…

Sean: (interjects) I like how she gets totally coherent when she wants to insult you.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. When she's violent.

Dick: When violence is involved.

Maddox: And she's threatening me. And she started to clench her fist at this point, by the way, guys. And I know she's…I know she's capable of punching people, 'cause I've been punched by this bitch before! Of course. And I can't do ANYTHING in self defense, because I'm always gonna be the victim here!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: ALWAYS! Unless I have absolute evidence! That's why I'm recording everything. You always record interactions like this.

Dick: I'll vouch for ya!

Maddox: (giggles) Thanks, Dick.

Dick: Just knock her out. (Maddox laughs) Nah, Maddox was over at my house!

Maddox: So she kept…(laughs) She kept insisting.

Dick: You can do it. (grins)

Maddox: She kept insisting at this point. She said, uh…

Dick: (interjects) There's no way one man ran up a bar tab this big! He was clearly with me! Right?

Maddox: Oh, that's a good alibi.

Dick: That's a good alibi!

Maddox: Yeah. I'm with ya. So, she kept insisting to try to find out what my name was. And here's what I told her.

(Sound clip:

Hippie: You can't reveal yourself.

Maddox: Okay.

Hippie: 'Cause you don't have the fucking balls. Don't tell me 'okay'!!

(Dick laughs)

Hippie: I'm asking you who the fuck you are that you know me and I'm seeing you, like, "Who are you?" And you…you have no politeness.

Maddox: I'm being polite.

Hippie: Aaaaaaah, deh deh deh deh deh!! (taunting)

(Maddox and Dick crack up)

Hippie: (unintelligible) …I don't know who the fuck you are and you know my name…you dickless fuck."

(Maddox and Dick laugh again)

Hippie: Who are you? Who are you? Who the FUCK are you?!

Maddox: Have a good night.

Hippie: You know what?! Don't tell me good night. Tell me who the fuck you are.

(Dick laughs)

Maddox: I'm Jeff.

Clip ends)

(Maddox laughs)

Dick: Jeff! Nice to meet you, Jeff.

Maddox: Jeff. (laughing) Yeah, so uh…so I'm Jeff. And she just goes on. Like, she just loses it at this point. 'Cause I think she suspects. I've told…I've int…she knows who I am! I've introduced myself multiple times.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And she's playing dumb here. Listen to this.

(Sound clip:

Hippie: Jeff?

Maddox: Yep.

Hippie: Hello, Jeff!!!! And may I ask where you live?

Maddox: I'm up the street.

Hippie: Oh, up the street. On (censored). Where are you?

Maddox: I'm not gonna tell you.

Hippie: What?!?! I just told you who I…

Maddox: Yeah. Goodnight, (censored).

Hippie: You see? You see how ball-less…ball-less you are?

Maddox: Yeah.

(Dick: Ball-less.

Maddox: Ball-less.)

Hippie! No! You're a fuckin' dick.

Clip ends)

Maddox: (laughing) So I'm standing here, and meanwhile, the poor Amazon lady is sitting there, cowering in her car.

Dick: Awww.

Maddox: 'Cause she's belligerent. She smells drunk. And she's got the megaphone and she's cursing me out. And her fists are clenched! And by this time, the neighborhood is outside. My neighbor across the street and the neighbor next door. The…the girl who lives up the street from me. Everyone's outside, watching this exchange go on.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And I'm telling everyone, "Don't worry. I got this. I'm just trying to get her back inside her house." I just don't want her to see where I live, because she's batshit crazy.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: She's the reason I installed security cameras around me…

Dick: (interjects) I like that you're kind of also winding her up a little bit in the video with your tone. (Maddox laughs) Like "Ugh. I won't tell you where I live." (quiet voice) Like, that's how you drive people like that insane.

Maddox: Yep. (grins) So, at this point, she realizes I've been recording her. I mean, I'm not hiding my camera. I'm just holding it right in her face.

Dick: Okay. Yeah.

Maddox: Here's what she says.

(Sound clip starts:

Hippie: I don't know who the fuck you are, and I know you're jealous. Hey. HEY!! Oh, are we recording, dickless?

Maddox: Yeah, we are. (whispers)

(Dick guffaws)

Hippie: Dickless slash ball-less. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! Put that on your fucking video scope.

Clip ends)

Dick: You got it. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: You got it, dumb bitch! I got it on my video scope, you fucking asshole! Um, so then, this is the final clip. She started blasting me for, like, a solid minute. Yeah, what…what were you gonna say, Sean?

Sean: A video scope. It sounds like she just got back from the proctologist.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Sean: She's a little confused. (grins)

Maddox: Well, they didn't find all that sand up her ass. (Sean laughs) So, she…at this point, she blasted me for, like, a minute with that stupid fucking siren. (Dick groans) And for the mercy of our listeners, I edited most of that out, but here's just a little hint of that, and it's the last clip I'll play before I tell you what my solution is.

(Sound clip:

(Siren wailing)

(Dick: Oh, god.)

Hippie: Hey, I thought you were going the other way! I thought you lived over here! (shrill) Why you going over here?

Maddox: Stop following me, (censored)!

(Dick cracks up, Maddox laughs)

(Clip ends)

Dick: "Stop following me!!" (wails)

Maddox: Yeah. She just followed me up and down the street. I was trying to walk away from her and she was following me, trying to punch me and blast me with that fucking megaphone1

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Listen to this.

(Sound clip:

Hippie: (whispers) Bitch.

Maddox: I'm gonna call…(censored)

Hippie: Oh! You want some more, you motherfucker!

(Dick cracks up)

Maddox: I'm gonna call the police. I'm calling the police.

Hippie: What are you calling the police for?

(Dick: Is she inside you at that point? You want some more, you little bitch!? (laughs)

Maddox: Because you're harassing the neighborhood.

Hippie: I'm harassing the neighborhood?

Maddox: Yep. And I got it on video.

Hippie: Ahh, deh deh deh deh deh! (taunts)

Maddox: I'm just trying to …(censored)

(Siren starts again)

Clip ends)

Dick: Oh my God, dude. This woman's a menace.

Maddox: Yeah. She's a menace. Can you imagine having to deal with that every day?

Dick: No!!!

Maddox: And then, the other day, she woke up at 5 AM and just started cussing and yelling and screaming, nonstop, for four hours! I have a tape of that at 5 in the morning! Everybody in the neighborhood's tired of her. The police eventually showed up and came up and took a report from the Amazon lady, but of course, it didn't…a single thing out.

Dick: Yeah, what are they gonna do?

Maddox: They didn't do anything! They walked up to her, and they said, "Ma'am, please go back inside the house." And she started playing…this is why I'm not going to give her the benefit of crazy. She…you can't just dismiss what she's doing as crazy, because as soon as the cop arrived, she played nice old lady with two cats. She said, "Oh officer, I just live here with two cats. I don't understand what's going on!"

Dick: Oh, man.

Maddox: "These people are harassing me!" And, and…of course, like, just absolutely fucking lied. Bald-faced lie.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If she was irrational, she wouldn't be that put together.

Dick: No.

Maddox: To lie to the officer. And then the officer said, "Okay, I understand, ma'am. I'll go talk to him and make sure he doesn't harass you anymore." And then, um…

Dick: Did they?

Maddox: N…well, the officer turned his back to her, and as soon as his back was turned to her, she looked at me and flipped me off! And I'm like "Ohhhh, this fucking bitch!" (Dick groans) Because I was thinking about doing the same thing, but I thought, "You know what? I'm gonna keep it clean this time."

Dick: That's where you fucked up!

Maddox: Yeah. And, uh…and so the officer came by and he was like, "Uh…" I tried to show him the video. He didn't give a shit!

Dick: No.

Maddox: He didn't give a shit! And then the Amazon lady's like, "Well, are you gonna do anything?" And he goes, "Uh, I'll just stand here and watch you deliver the package." And she did. She delivered it. And they did nothing.

Dick: Great. (scoffs)

Maddox: And this guy…

Dick: How much is the shipping on this fucking package with two cop escorts to go 20 feet?

Maddox: Yeah. And it took 45 minutes for her to just deliver that one package. (Dick groans) And the police didn't even file a report. So there's no case! There's no record of this occurring!

Dick: Right.

Maddox: So…and no matter how many noise complaints. No matter how many…you know what, Dick? I got the solution to this.

Dick: What's the solution?

Maddox: The solution is Euthanasia.

(Sound clip: Clapping)

Dick: Oh, good.

Maddox: Euthanasia. Yeah!!!

Dick: Is that a person killing themselves, or you're just talking about society euthanizing her?

Sean: I was gonna ask the same thing.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: 'Cause I think it's the latter. (laughs)

Dick: I think it's the latter as well. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Well, uh…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, it might be the final solution, I think. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: (laughs) Well…careful talking about final solutions, buddy. (grins)

Dick: You're the one that brought it in! (Maddox chuckles) Go ahead. What is…what's…

Maddox: So, euthanasia. Dick, that's an important distinction. Whether or not they choose to do it or you choose to do it. (giggles)

Dick: Yeah, well. (laughs)

Maddox: Euthanasia comes from the Greek words "eu" and "Thanatos", which means literally, good death. It's the good death. It's the practice of intentionally ending lives to relieve pain or suffering. It's a mercy killing. And I would extend that definition to include relief for the person or people who are suffering because of the person being euthanized. So I would say…I would extend that definition to include me.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So I…I think that's fair. I think if other people are suffering because of someone's existence, maybe you could make a case for euthanasia for that person.

Dick: You don't even need to make the case…we already…we do it all the time.

Maddox: Like what?

Dick: Criminals. Kill 'em. They're causing suffering.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, I guess.

Dick: Uh…soldiers in other countries. Well, we gotta kill those guys, too.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They don't wanna do what we wanna do.

Maddox: So we involuntarily euthanize them.

Dick: We voluntarily euthanize them. That's called "war"!

Maddox: Yeah, well. They're not choosing, I guess. They're not choosing.

Dick: Well, that's up to…I dunno. We don't care about that.

Maddox: No. Of course not. (grins)

Dick: No.

Maddox: Wikipedia has that distinction, though. They talk about the three different types of euthanasia. There is voluntary, non-voluntary, and involuntary. Now, those last two kind of sound similar, so I was looking this up to see what exactly it means by non-voluntary and involuntary. Voluntary is legal in some countries. So, obviously, if someone wants to be euthanized…

Dick: Like cancer patients.

Maddox: Yeah, like cancer patients. They're able to be euthanized. Uh, non-voluntary is illegal in all countries, according to Wikipedia. And that counts for children and comas. Like, people who are in comas? (giggles)

Dick: Ohhh, like DNRs?

Maddox: Eehhh, yeah.

Dick: People without a Do not Resuscitate order?

Maddox: Yeah, correct. Or people in persistent vegetative state, like that Terry Schiavo cause a long time ago in the United States. There was a woman named Terry Schiavo who went into a coma and her brain was essentially liquefied.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: They did MRIs, they did CAT scans. They looked inside her skull. And they said, "Look, man. She's living in the sense that she has a pulse. But she's not alive. There's no hope of consciousness ever returning to her, because her brain is gone."

Dick: Right.

Maddox: She has no brain. She's in a persistent vegetative state. So I believe her husband wanted to…I don't remember which party was which. I believe her husband wanted to pull the plug as per her wish.

Dick: Probably.

Maddox: Yeah. And the family wanted to keep her on life support.

Dick: Sounds reasonable.

Maddox: Yeah. And so, there was this big, uh…last…you know, 11th hour effort. A whole bunch of evangelicals went down to the hospital, made a big song and dance about trying to save her life.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, you know. Supposedly. And eventually the court ordered…they said, "No, you idiots. The husband has the right to pull the plug. You can't choose to make the husband suffer any more than he has."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And this was also in her will. Her dying wish was, "Yes, pull the plug if there's no hope." And there was no hope, so that's what happened.

Dick: So you would like that to apply to you killing your neighbor. If I'm reading this solution correctly. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Well, no, no, no. Not killing. Euthanizing, Dick.

Dick: Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Maddox: It's out of mercy and compassion.

'Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And then, finally, involuntary euthanasia is just called murder, uh…so…(laughs)

Dick: Yeah. I know that one.

Maddox: Yeah. (chuckles) You know that one, yeah.

Sean: But before she goes, you get to spray her with a hose a couple times, first, right? At least that.

Dick: Yeah. Would it be good enough, just to euthanize her?

Maddox: I'll spray her with my hose. (Dick guffaws) (Maddox laughs) Before and after.

Sean: Didn't she turn the hose on you, too? Besides your car?

Maddox: Yeah, she did. She did.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: Yeah.

Maddox: She drenched me with her hose. Which, by the way, if she had gotten closer to my apartment…I didn't want to show her where I lived, but if she had gotten closer enough, I would have drenched her for the hose. Shoved it right down her fucking throat, that bitch. (Dick snorts) Uh, yeah. It's not real compassionate, but this is prompted out of compassion, Dick.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: And Sean. I do want to euthanize her. I feel like it's best for her and best for everybody if she was buried with two or three hundred pounds of dirt on top of her.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: I think that would make everybody feel better. Especially her.

Dick: Sounds like it. She doesn't sound happy.

Maddox: No. Uh…"Euthanasia is legal in the Netherlands, Belgium, Luxembourg, Switzerland, Estonia, Albania, and in some US states, in Washington, Oregon, and Montana." And starting in 2015, Quebec, from Canada, is joining this list of winners.

Dick: Now we're talking about suicide, though. With those people.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Not murder.

Maddox: (laughs) This isn't murder, Dick! It's euthanasia. (giggles)

Dick: Okay. I'm just trying to keep it in the context of your introduction.

Maddox: It's non-voluntary euthanasia. That's what I…

Dick: Oh. Oh, I'm sorry. Ohh. That's very smart.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Rebranding some types of murder as…(Maddox laughs) non-voluntary euthanasia, 'cause no one would look it up.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Like women's suffrage. End women's suffrage. They don't look it up.

Maddox: No. No one knows.

Dick: Yeah. Okay.

Maddox: It sounds bad. Yeah.

Dick: Pro-non-voluntary euthanasia.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I like it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I like it.

Maddox: Thanks.

Dick: I'm on board.

Maddox: It's got a nice ring to it.

Dick: I'll do it! I got free time. You call me, when you get this through.

Maddox: Hey, Dick, what are you doing this afternoon? You got anything going on?

Dick: No!

Maddox: Ehh, wanna come buy and non-voluntary euthanize someone? (giggles)

Dick: Sure!

Maddox: They're suffering, but more importantly, I'm suffering.

Dick: Lemme get a buzz on first.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) (Sean laughs) We'll fuck it up. Um, so there's a philosopher. Francis Bacon. Is that how it's pronounced?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Francis Bacon. 17th century philosopher…

Dick: (laughs) Yeah, that's how Bacon is pro…oh, like it would be something weird, like Ba-kon or something?

Maddox: Yeah, Francois Ba-kon or something like that.

Dick: No, no, no, It's "bacon".

Maddox: Some bullshit. Okay. He called euthanasia an easy, painless, and happy death.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I…I couldn't agree more. Francis, thank you. Thank you for writing in from the 17th century. Um, so here's..

Dick: (giggles) Not talking about murder in that sentence. (grins)

Maddox: Dick! It's not murder. (Dick guffaws) I'm talking specifically about non-voluntary euthanasia, not involuntary euthanasia. (Dick still laughing)

Dick: You are sick! (Maddox cracks up) Alright, what else did he say?

Maddox: Yeah. Well, you know, there's an important distinction. I…here's some arguments.

Dick: (laughing so hard he can't talk)

Maddox: Here's some arguments for euthanasia. It's awesome. Right? (Sean cracks up) There's the first argument, it's awesome.

Dick: Yeah. Sure. (sarcastic)

Maddox: If we want more people to embrace euthanasia as a solution, we have to sex it up! Don't you think? We have to gin it up a little bit.

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sex it up, sure.

Maddox: Put up some billboards around town. Euthanasia! Consider it!

Dick: It's cool. Like a guy with a leather jacket going, like, "Euthanasia, why not?"

Maddox: (cracking up) The Fonz.

Dick: I'd do it. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: I euthanized my mom this morning! (laughing)

Dick: Once is enough! What else could you say that about?! (Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: One and done.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: It's a good solution.

Dick: Boom!

Maddox: Right. What other solutions are so permanent, Dick? Huh?

Dick: I don't know. Just that one!

Maddox: This could be…this could be the biggest solution in the universe! (Dick giggles)

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: That's why I brought this in. It's a good solution.

Dick: It will fix all problems! (Maddox laughs) That's for sure!

Maddox: I'll get a…I'll get a good night's rest if she was euthanized.

Dick: If you euthanize yourself? Oh.

Maddox: No...

Dick: If your neighbor's euthanized.

Maddox: I mean, either way I'd get a good nights' rest.

Dick: Right, right.

Maddox: But especially if she was euthanized.

Dick: Can't lose.

Maddox: You know, Dick, ever since she did that, I have been fantasizing about her dying. And I…she's never gonna die, 'cause she's…she's spry and…she looks like she's 180 years old, but she looks like she's never gonna die. Um, but sometimes I just sit there, when I can't sleep at night, and I think about her falling and breaking her hip. Did I talk about this before?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Yeah, I…I sometimes imagine her falling and breaking her hip, and then nobody coming to her house, and then she just starves to death and her cats eat her face off. And then I roll over, and I sleep just like an angel. I feel all cozy and I curl up in my blankets and it feels so good thinking about that. (Dick giggles) Makes me happy.

Dick: Confessions of a non-voluntary euthanizer. (Maddox laughs) You would say.

Maddox: Confession!? Biography!

Dick: The dreams…the dreams of a non-voluntary euthanizer.

Maddox: Hey, I may get a Nobel Peace Prize for this!

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: This is…

Dick: Why not?

Maddox: I am going good work here.

Dick: Obama's done a lot of non-voluntary euthanizing. (Maddox cracks up) And he got one. Right?

Maddox: That's true.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Not as much as Bush, but that's true.

Dick: Well…

Maddox: Uh…(laughing) Bush should get a Nobel Peace Prize. If Obama got one, why no…fuck it, why not?

Dick: I think they should just give every US president one. As soon as he gets in.

Maddox: (laughing) Here you go…here's…just like as one of their swag bags?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Here you go. Here's a Nobel for you.

Dick: Here's a booklet of all the Area 51 stuff, and your Nobel Peace Prize…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Make sure it fits.

Maddox: Yeah. (exhales) Um, it's something…it's a talking piece in the room, right?

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Um, I think we need to raise euthanasia awareness, Dick. I…I'm going to suggest…I'm proposing that everyone on Facebook change their profile pictures to a spooky skeleton. (Dick cracks up) For 10 years. (Maddox laughs) That's my solution to raise awareness for euthanasia.

Dick: Oh, god. (laughing)

Maddox: I think it'll catch on. I think it's a pretty good campaign, don't you think?

Dick: I would love that. (laughs) Yeah, it's real great.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

Dick: A little bit slacktivisty, but I think…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: The time involved makes it work.

Maddox: Dick, we don't have time for problems on this episode.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: We're talking about solutions.

Dick: Sorry.

Maddox: And slacktivism is a solution in this universe, isn't it? (Dick cracks up) Isn't it, huh, you fucking morons. You want your raise awareness campaigns. Here's a raising awareness for you! Anyway, Dick, um. Here's another argument. It helps end the kind of suffering from terminal disease. Right? I mean, that's a real argument.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: That, uh…people who are suffering…you know the movie Million Dollar Baby?

Dick: I do.

Maddox: Yeah. That movie was about euthanasia. The movie is about this boxer…

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Who had a really promising career, and she fought everybody that she could in her class, and she had to fight one last person, who was…who had a reputation for being a dirty fighter.

Dick: Ohh, no.

Maddox: And during the last round of the last fight, she was about to win, and the bell rang for the round to end.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, uh…the protagonist in the movie turned around and got sucker punched in the back of the head. And she fell over and she hit her neck on a stool and essentially broke her neck, and she became paralyzed.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And she was in lots of pain, lots of suffering, and there's a long, weepy ending where Clint Eastwood just sits by her bedside and just cries for, like, 45 minutes. Um…

Dick: Yeesh. And you won't watch Titanic, but you'll watch this shit?

Maddox: Well, I didn't know that shit was happening!!!

Dick: Mmmm. (unconvinced)

Maddox: So anyway, she got euthanized. Um, that's the ending of that movie. Good movie. Uh…(laughs)

Dick: Did you…lemme ask you something. Like…I don't know if…is your solution Euthanasia, like all the types of euthanasia? 'Cause it is funny what you're saying, but the actual…the right to die, like, not letting people kill themselves is kind of absurd.

Maddox: It is.

Dick: That that exists.

Maddox: It is.

Dick: That we live…we live in a world that is so oppressive and controlling, the idea that you cannot kill yourself is up for debate!

Sean: Look…only you have the right to decide what your life is worth.

Dick: Yeah. Sure.

Maddox: Right.

Sean: And it's up to you. It's not up to anybody else.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: If your life is not worth living to you, you should be able to end it.

Maddox: You know, the fact that we're debating this so much is endemic of this…of the problem that we're talking about here, is whether or not we're allowing people the agency to live or not live.

Dick: Did you ever read Scott Adams' diatribe about this?

Maddox: No.

Dick: By the way, he's the creator of Dilbert.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, the guy that draws Dilbert.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Uh…his dad had some kind of horrible cancer.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And he was trying to kill himself, but it was illegal for him to do so. Where he lived. And, you know, what I've learned on the TV show House, is that doctors will leave the morphine thing…they'll leave the lock off of it and kind of say, "Well you know, I'm gonna go for a little bit…I left the lock off of the thing, and if you were to hit this button, it would kill you." Like, it would load you up with morphine and then you would die.

Maddox: Ohhhhhhh.

Dick: Like, as painlessly as it gets.

Maddox: Does that really happen? Or is that just a fictional thing from House?

Dick: Aahhhhhhhh…I think it is a real thing. They…like, House had crazy things…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But then, when they…they dealt seriously with some things and I…I took away from it that it was a serious thing that they were saying.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And it seems reasonable, because no doctor…no learned man is just gonna sit there and go, "Derp, I can't figure out a way to get around this law!" (dorky voice) (Maddox chuckles) You know what I mean?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, they're gonna go, like, "Uh, yeah. You know…the lock's off. Just take yourself out. There's nothing we can do."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: "There's nothing we can do and a bunch of Bible-thumping assholes who like lording power over people's lives are not gonna tell me, a fucking doctor, what to do.

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.

Dick: Right? So Scott Adams…this happened to his dad. He wrote this invective piece on his blog, which gets millions of hits. God knows how many hits it gets. About how he hopes that every single person who's against euthanasia, voluntary euthanasia, um…(Maddox giggles) he didn't mention specifically voluntary euthanasia, but I think it was implied.

Maddox: You sure he wasn't talking about non-voluntary? Yeah?

Dick: Pretty sure!!

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: That he wishes them, like, a violent and horrible, torturous death. It was…it was really jarring.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: To read, like, someone who's just not an asshole on Tumblr write this…um, vitriolic-laced piece on their personal website! Like, it was crazy.

Maddox: And then was there…

Dick: (Interjects) It was a good…

Maddox: And then was there a panel of Dilbert at the end that said, "Mondays, am I right?" (All three of them crack up, Dick the loudest)

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: Oh, man. (Dick cracks up again) Ahh, Dick. I'm…I'm going over on my time on this. I'll just end it real quick with this…this is from the Telegraph. You know one of the first groups of state-sponsored euthanasia.

Dick: What?

Maddox: Were the Nazis. (Dick and Maddox crack up)

Dick: I mean, I guess.

Maddox: Making a good case for the final solution, buddy! (laughs) They started…it's not what you think, though. It's not what you think. "Nazis started killing disabled infants in 1939 as the first state-sponsored euthanasia. Hitler's office condoned euthanasia for serious and congenital illnesses." There was a child named Gerhardt Krechtmer, born blind with missing limbs. They called him an idiot. (laughs)

Dick: (snorts) Alright.

Maddox: Poor kid has no limbs! (laughing) (Dick laughs) Literally can't defend himself!

Dick: You idiot.

Maddox: Can't even se…(laughing) (unintelligible) Idiot.

Dick: Like…like the fourth stooge.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Larry, Moe, Curly, and Stumpy. (laughing)

Maddox: This is a quote from the article. It says, "In his testimony, Dr. Brandt said, "The father of a deformed child wrote to the Fuhrer with a request to be allowed to take the life of his child or this creature."

Dick: Ugh.

Maddox: "Hitler ordered me to…"(laughs) yeah. Real compassionate, the Nazis.

Dick: Doesn't…doesn't translate well. German.

Maddox: No. Uh-uh. "Hitler ordered me to take care of this case. The child had been born blind, seemed to be idiotic, and a leg and parts of the arm were missing." So they euthanized this kid. (exhales) I guess…yeah. I guess the Nazis were ahead of their time. They..they found the solution. The final solution.

Dick: It seems like we are in an interesting time. And it has always seemed like we're in an interesting time period to me, because we don't have the technology to fix that stuff.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like in vitro.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Yet, we're a progressive culture who understands human life and values it, so we can't just knock these people off.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right? Like a blind guy with no limbs is not gonna have a good life.

Maddox: No.

Dick: In my opinion.

Maddox: Probably not.

Dick: However, the idea of ending it prematurely, we cannot stomach. Yet we can't fix it. It's…it's a gap in, you know. Morals and technology. You understand what I'm saying?

Maddox: Uh, yeah. It is…it is…

Dick: It's unfortunate.

Maddox: It is one of the most hotly debated philosophical points in bioethics today. Uh…people are constantly debating…(stammers) and I wrote…I have a whole bunch of arguments here, but we don't have time to go into those.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But I'll just end on this quick stat, here. 84% of males support euthanasia, and only 64% of females.

Dick: Huh.

Maddox: And…physicians surveyed said that 45% would actually consider euthanasia. So that's…that's hopeful.

Dick: And this is non-voluntary euthanasia that…or did they not specify?

Maddox: You know, let's not get lost in the woods here, Dick. (Dick guffaws) Let's not…let's not worry about the semantics here. They're probably talking about all types of euthanasia, except for involuntary. I'm not condoning murder, here. I'm just saying non-voluntary and voluntary euthanasia, I'm okay with.

Dick: How would the non-voluntary be carried out?

Maddox: Well, if we can…

Dick: (interjects) To further distinguish it from murder.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: How would you carry out non-voluntary euthanasia?

Maddox: Well, non-voluntary euthanasia. Like the Tarry Schiavo case. You overflow 'em with…whatever. The morphine. Like you said, right?

Dick: Uh…okay. In the case of your neighbor.

Maddox: Oh, in the case of my neighbor? Um…you know, just seal up her windows. Seal up her doors and just pump gas into her…

Dick: Carbon monoxide.

Maddox: Carbon Monoxide.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's a nice way…I think it's a nice way.

Dick: Okay. Yeah, that's the same.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That's the same thing.

Maddox: It's a good, peaceful way to go. It's a happy death.

Dick: Uh, yeah.

Maddox: And her cats'll get one last meal. (Dick cracks up) Anyway, uh…that's my solution, Dick.

Dick: Wow. (laughs)

Maddox: Euthanasia.

Dick: Alright. I don't know…we are….we are running out of time. I don't know which one to go with. I've got…hey, you know what? I'm gonna go with this one. Uh…guns. Guns guns guns.

Maddox: Guns.

Dick: Guns. Big solution.

Maddox: Oh yeah?

Dick: Big solution. Yeah. Uh, actually, I would say it's integral to your solution.

Maddox: Could be.

Dick: Could be!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Could be. Not in the case all those learned men we're talking about…(Maddox laughs) But I think in your version of euthanasia, it is!

Maddox: Yeah. Don't put words in my mouth, Dick.

Dick: Yeah. Uh…here's something for you. Gunpowder was discovered in 850 AD, because Chinese alchemists were trying to find a life elixir.

Maddox: Really?

Dick: Yeah. They were trying to extend life. They were trying to find a powder to extend lives.

Maddox: Oh, the irony!

Dick: Yeah. (laughs) And they invented gunpowder.

Maddox: Oho!! That is the KING of irony right there. That's amazing.

Dick: Yeah. Isn't it? I'd never heard that before.

Maddox: That's so funny. Yeah.

Dick: And I'm a huge…I mean, I'm a gun guy.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm not a gun fanatic.

Maddox: You're a gun…let's just say you're a gun. You are a gun.

Dick: I'm a gun. (Maddox chuckles) Lock me up.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: Yeah. Uh…lemme see, here.

Maddox: Guns don't kill people, Dick kills people. (tries not to laugh)

Dick: Well, I mean, we could just skip to that.

Maddox: So, yeah. So, what is the argument here?

Dick: I…I think that guns are dangerous.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: But that they give people agency in their own lives. It's basically the…like, it's the only reason a person is able to defend themselves against any oppressive force.

Maddox: I disagree. But go on.

Dick: Why do you disagree?

Maddox: Because…guns are irrelevant in a world where we have nuclear weapons.

Dick: Um…

Maddox: Guns…guns are irrelevant in a world where we have F16s with Sidewinders. We have SCUD missiles. We have railguns. We have laser-guided missiles. We have all sorts of technology…cluster bombs. We have all sorts of munitions. Guns are irrelevant, I think. I think that if an oppressive military wanted to overthrow our government. Say, our military. And wipe out a large swath of civilization? Our little peashooters aren't gonna do anything.

Sean: Why does everybody use guns in war?

Dick: Hold…yeah…Okay. Go ahead.

Sean: No, that's it.

Dick: Yeah. Why is that, then?

Maddox: People use…people use guns because of the Geneva Conflict, and they're afraid of the repercussion from other governments if they don't play along. (stammers)

Sean: No, I know the political argument.

Maddox: Right, right, right.

Dick: Hold o….

Maddox: (interjects) That's…that's why we're using guns.

Dick: I'm talking about just you, a guy, in a house.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Right.

Dick: A gun's protecting you from other guys taking your shit.

Maddox: Eeehhh…

Dick: Whoever's holding the gun is protecting you from getting your shit taken. Whether it's you or whether it's a cop. Your shit is not getting taken constantly because everyone's afraid of getting shot.

Maddox: You…you know, Dick, I don't disagree entirely with that argument. However, just to play Devil's advocate, how do you explain the low crime rates, like say, in gun-free countries, or cities like Hong Kong?

Dick: What?

Maddox: They're…it's a gun-free city, and yet, crime is incredibly low. So, uh…the police…the police don't carry around guns. There aren't guns in the populace. In society.

Dick: There are no guns anywhere?

Maddox: Very, very few. The military has them. And then some…their version of SWAT, the SWAT force that they have? Have them, and you see them at the airports and things like that, to kind of dissuade terrorists. Uh, but…in the civil population, I don't believe the police…I don't believe their civil force has guns, no.

Dick: And there's no crime?

Maddox: It's very low.

Dick: Well, I don't know. I guess I would say their culture's different than ours.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's an argument. Yeah, that's an argument. Sometimes, guns are used in protection, and sometimes…

Dick: So I have…I have stats on that.

Maddox: Yeah, let's hear it.

Dick: Yeah. And they're all over the place, of COURSE.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, they're…there's got, um…lemme see, lemme find 'em. Estimates as low as 65,000 per year, as high as crackpot websites that have, like, designs on the background, like little bricks?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Quote as high as 2.5 million, but Clinton, and the Department of Justice, conducted a survey in 1994 that placed the usage of guns used in personal defense at 1.5 million times per year.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: That's a shitload, man!

Maddox: I know that stat is true, because I've done a lot of research on this. Dick, I used to be…so, I've always owned guns, like, ever since I was a kid, my dad gave me a gun.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And I've had guns, but I was never really a gun guy. And I was a little bit against guns. I was more for gun control for a long time.

Dick: Why?

Maddox: Until I started…why? Because it's…it's easy to make the case that if there were no guns, there would be no gun deaths, right? I mean, you can't argue that.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: Right? If there were no guns, there would be no gun deaths. However, I started doing research into this, and I thought, "Well, there's gotta be a rational reason." I…I'd like to believe that people who are in a large majority…like, the other half of the debate? And it is, pretty much, like, the other half of the debate, right?

Dick: Yeah. In fact, half of people in America own guns. You know?

Maddox: Uh…is it…is it that high?

Dick: Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Lemme double check that. But it is…

Maddox: You're probably right.

Dick: Yeah. 192 million firearms. Um…yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm sorry. 44 million gun owners in the United States, 192…so it's not half.

Maddox: So, this is…this was important enough to explicitly state in the Constitution.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Uh, the second amendment of the United States Constitution. And people make a…uh, you know, they raise a lot of stink about the exception for…what's it…uh, militias.

Dick: Militia. Militia. Regulated militia.

Maddox: Regulated militia.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Which has not held up to scrutiny at the Supreme Court numerous times throughout history.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Because it's not the narrow definition that the gun opponents want to pin it with.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: So, I started looking into this, Dick. And you're right. The 1.5 million times for defense is correct. And you know how many times…you probably know the stat, but you know how many people die per year from guns?

Dick: I…yeah. I know how many people die, and half of it is suicides. It's like, 20…

Maddox: Uh, more than half.

Dick: It's like 60%.

Maddox: Yeah. It's about two-thirds.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Which, uh…

Maddox: What's the number? What's the exact number? I believe it's around 33,000.

Dick: Yes. It's around there.

Maddox: Yeah

Dick: It's somewhere around there.

Maddox: It's around 33,000, and I believe about 22,000 of those are suicides. So, if you remove…you know, what does that leave, like, 10? 10 to 11,000 people dying from guns. It's…

Dick: Not a lot.

Maddox: It's not that much.

Dick: And, by the way, accidental deaths?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, um…between, like…their…what are we over here? 1.8% of all the deaths are from accidental gun deaths.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Kids. Um…347…er, I'm sorry. About…lemme see here. About 700 to 800 accidental deaths per year.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: From guns.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…you know what causes 347 accidental deaths per year?

Maddox: Swimming pools?

Dick: Drowning in a boat accident.

Maddox: Really?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, using a boat is almost as likely to kill you by drowning! As a gun.

Maddox: Yeah, that's…that's true, Dick. Well, what…I'm gonna make a case. I'm gonna play the other side. The Devil's advocate here.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: What about people who say, "Well, guns make murderers more lethal." Like, like, for example…

Dick: I think they do.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think they're dangerous.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Yeah. In…in fact, and this is the point that I never hear being made about guns.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is I feel that they're in some way self-regulating. Like, if people feel that they could not responsibly handle a gun? They won't get one.

Maddox: I…I disagree.

Dick: There's just something…

Maddox: (interjects) No, I disagree.

Dick: You disagree?

Maddox: I totally disagree. Because look at Adam Lanza. Adam Lanza was a kid who shot up Sandy Hook Elementary, right? Was that the guy's name? Adam Lan…I think it was Adam Lanza. We…he's one of the killers. He shot up…he was a mass shooter.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, whether or not it was Sandy Hook Elementary, it may have been the Colorado shooting, it may have been the Ter…Terry Gibbons…who was the senator who got shot in Arizona?

Dick: Gifford?

Maddox: Gifford. Yeah, Kathy Gifford. That was her name, right?

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: Uh…whether, like, these people are mentally ill. If you go to their YouTube channels, like, the guy who shot up Kathy Gifford?

Dick: Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: I went to his YouTube channel the day of. It was before the media had really glommed onto it.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And I was still able to access it. It wasn't taken down. He'd posted all sorts of crazy, nonsensical videos that he was talking in code and talking about conspiracies and was just…

Dick: Good, good, good.

Maddox: Out of his fucking mind. So I don't…I don't buy that, Dick. I don't buy that people who…it's self-regulating in that way.

Dick: I'm talking about accidental deaths. Like, just people. Regular people. Not crazy people. Now, if you're gonna make the argument that crazy people are more dangerous 'cause they have a gun? I absolutely agree with that.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And…it's…I think it's sad that no one can just say that. You know? Like if you…if you bring that up…if you hear that argument on TV…you're gonna hear some weird, like, backwards Rube Goldberg argument from the NRA…

Maddox: Rube Goldberg…(giggles)

Dick: About why that doesn't hold up. You know what I mean?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, yeah. Uh, guns make bad people more dangerous. Sorry, but they're still more important than that.

Maddox: (inhales) Yeah, uh…so, I …(stammers) awhile back, Dick. I don't wanna derail this whole thing, but awhile back, I…

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: …started doing research. I've done a LOT of research on this. I have 10 pages of notes I've written about the gun issue. Because I wanted to look at both sides of the debate.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And there's a lot of arguments for. A lot of shitty arguments for and against gun control. And, uh…the shittiest argument I've heard against gun control, is that…it comes from the NRA, and they say that the only thing that can stop a bad guy with a gun is a good guy with a gun. That's absolutely, patently not true. There's countless videos on YouTube where people are confronted with guns and they disarm them without a gun.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: So, that's absolutely not true. However, that 1.5 million times statistic is pretty conservative. Some people put it…you know, the 1.5 million people who defend themselves with guns is pretty conservative.

Dick: Isn't it shocking?

Maddox: Yeah. It's pretty high.

Dick: That's one every couple of seconds, isn't it? How many seconds are there in a year?

Maddox: 1.5 million. (laughs) I don't know.

Dick: That's gotta be one every minute, at least.

Maddox: Yeah, well, it's…

Dick: (interjects) 187…yeah, I don't know.

Maddox: It's up there. You can make the case that there is a legitimate use for guns. However, you can't deny if there were no guns, there would be no gun violence.

Dick: No.

Maddox: Yeah. So, what…what…

Dick: (interjects) I mean, that's impossible, though.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can make a gun.

Maddox: Well, the reason I started to look into this debate is because I started reading some cop forums. And the cops were talking about gun control as a potential…like, as an actual thing. 'Cause cops don't want guns on the street. It would make their jobs a lot easier.

Dick: Oh, they hate them.

Maddox: They hate them, yeah. The cops would love there to be no guns except in their hands, so they can be more lethal.

Dick: Sure.

Maddox: And p…and wield more control over everyone. So, I read a cop saying…when they were talking about the Sandy Hook Elementary and they were talking about gun legislation, and they said, "Well, what if we actually had to go around collecting guns?" Can you imagine being a police officer going door to door asking people for guns?! (Dick laughs)

Dick: 192 million of them, you gotta round up.

Maddox: Yeah. And…and…

Dick: That's a lot.

Maddox: And you think that people are just gonna voluntarily…"Here you go, here's my gun!" Of course not. The cops are gonna get shot at!

Dick: Well, no. And that's my biggest reason for why I'm glad we have them in America. Because the cops are afraid of them.

Maddox: Yeah, I guess that's good. I mean, it's bad that we have to have that as a thing that cops fear. To do their jobs. But, uh…I guess that's an argument, yeah.

Dick: Yeah. So…the reason I brought this in is a bunch of people emailed and commented on, asking how I changed gun law.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, you mentioned that.

Dick: And uh…me and my life coach changed gun law.

Maddox: That's a good story, yeah.

Dick: Yeah, so I wanted to tell that. So people stop asking. So, my life coach is a huge guns rights supporter.

Maddox: Yep.

Dick: Like, he's nuts over guns. When his wife travels away, he gets all of his guns out and lines them up on the table like he's playing with his dolls. Then he sends me pictures of it. Like, he cleans them, he goes through them. This guy knows every single in and out of the gun laws. Right?

Maddox: I…I mean, if he's playing with his guns, it sounds kinda…it sounds stupid. It sounds like that's a good way to get accidentally shot.

Dick: Well, they're not loa…(stammers) is it?!

Maddox: Yes!

Dick: That's just…

Maddox: That's the classic way people get shot with their guns, is they're…they think that the chamber was empty and there was one last bullet in there, and they fucking shot their wife. Like, I've read so many stories when I was doing research, where accidental deaths happen like that.

Dick: Well, his wife is away. (Maddox guffaws)

Maddox: Okay. (laughing) Phew! Good thing there's no risk.

Dick: I don't think it's so crazy just to, like, have a weapon and take it out and clean it and be familiar with it.

Maddox: Cleaning it is fine, but you don't leave it around the house.

Dick: Well, what is that…what do you mean, you don't leave it around the house?

Maddox: He's just leaving them on the counter?

Dick: He's taking them out and inspecting them.

Maddox: Admiring them.

Dick: Admiring them, yeah.

Maddox: He's probably naked…he probably takes his pants off, doesn't he?

Dick: Don't…aren't you supposed to? (Maddox laughs) Isn't that a gun safety rule?

Maddox: Well, you gotta clean that pipe somehow.

Dick: Okay, so…we used to go to these things called "open carry events".

Maddox: Yeah. What is an open carry event?

Dick: An open carry event is…in America…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You are allowed to op…in California specifically, you are NOT allowed to carry a gun hidden. You are not allowed to conceal a gun, but you're allowed to walk around with it open.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Like, on your hip in a holster.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: And there are rules governing that, but you are allowed to have a gun on your person, as long as you display it.

Maddox: And for people who don't know, why would you wanna do that?

Dick: Well, what do you mean, why would you want to do that?

Maddox: Why would you want to have an open carry event? Like, why is that a thing? Why does that exist?

Dick: Oh. To raise awareness that this is a thing!

Maddox: (grins) To raise awareness!

Dick: Yeah! Right?

Maddox: Ohoho.

Dick: Now you're gonna say…(Maddox laughs) Right, what a slacktivist I am that we…now, I…I do it…I would do it with him because I think it's funny.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: You're walking around with all these people having guns on their hips.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh…it's a spectacle, man! Like, people…some people are freaked out. They won't let you come into their restaurant, because other people complain to the restaurant that they don't feel comfortable around guns.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: For whatever reason. Or they don't support there being guns, or whatever, so you'll get kicked out from restaurant to restaurant…eventually you'll find a restaurant that will take you in. You know, like Mary and Joseph at the inn.

Maddox: (chuckles) Yeah…Don't liken this to Jesus!

Dick: And there'll be a bunch of people…it'll be dozens of people of various backgrounds.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, it always surprises me where these people came from.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Who are passionate about gun rights. Sitting in a restaurant with guns on their hips. Not loaded, of course, because that's illegal.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Eating dinner. And I thought that was fascinating.

Maddox: It does sound fascinating, and it would make me nervous to be around that, because…of course. The businesses are right to kick these people out, and customers are right to complain, because I'm not gonna feel safe if some dipshit has a gun. I don't know you, I don't trust you. I don't trust that you have the safety on. I don't trust that you don't have a bullet in the chamber. Your gun might fucking go off, whereas if it wasn't out there, it might not.

Dick: What you're saying is not crazy.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I will say…it's…it's interesting..

Maddox: Yeah

Dick: That you'd be more afraid of that then getting hit by a drunk driver on the way home.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: When one is way more likely. However, I don't think you're crazy for saying that.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: You know what I'm saying? I also felt nervous.

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: Because I know these guys. I'm looking at 'em. I'm hearing them make jokes. And I know they're itching to bust out these guns and use them for what they're designed for.

Maddox: Oh, I'm sure.

Dick: Murdering bad guys!

Maddox: I'm sure they're fantasizing about that.

Dick: Oh! It…it was crazy! Like, it made me uncomfortable listening and being a part of the thing…hearing them, like, just feeling it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You could just feel it. I'm like…I fucking know you guys..

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Are just itching for somebody to come in and rob this place.

Maddox: Oh, they are. They have that Wild West fantasy where they're gonna stop…they're gonna save the day.

Dick: Some of them.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Some of them definitely do. Not all of them.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Like, there's just some…there's just normal Americans there.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Doing this thing, right? So. But they're all doing it for purposes of raising awareness for gun rights.

Maddox: (giggles) Okay.

Dick: Because the idea is, if you get people more familiar with guns, they won't be so afraid of them. Right?

Maddox: Mhmm. Bunch of slacktivists.

Dick: Pure slacktivism.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Pure slacktivism, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay. So slacktivist…and this is where it gets into changing the law. Uh…in San Diego, they got this shit banned. So they said, "You know what?"

Maddox: They got the open carry events banned?

Dick: They got open carrying banned.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: So they said, "You know what? You're no longer allowed to do that. You guys did this so much, and you pissed so many people off, and you got so many people afraid, that they rallied the forces against us and got it illegalized."

Maddox: Huh.

Dick: And got it verboten. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You guys are no longer allowed, legally, to open carry.

Maddox: Here you go, idiot. Yeah.

Dick: Idiot, right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You guys won, right? (Maddox chuckles) Well, guess what. The constitution says you gotta be able to have either closed or open carry. So if we can't open carry, we're fucking closed carrying!

Maddox: Uh…huh.

Dick: So they got the…the decision came in. I don't know if you're aware of this, but in LA recently, the law was changed so that you could conceal carry. Because they had to give you one.

Maddox: Ohhhhh.

Dick: And they had just stopped open carry, so they're like, "Well, what the fuck are we gonna do, then? We can't remove their amendment rights! We gotta give 'em one or the other!"

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So they…concealed carry went through and they could no longer just reject your application to conceal carry.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Of course, it got all fucked up, and a bunch of legal mumbo-jumbo political stuff is getting it deferred…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And for, like, 10 years..that just came through. But that's what happened. That's what happened.

Maddox: So you guy…you dickheads were the reason that California law changed.

Dick: Yeah! Yeah.

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: Us and our stupid open carry events…our stupid slacktivism…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Everyone hated SO MUCH, that they overreached so far to shut our fund down that they fucked up the whole law!

Maddox: Made it even worse.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Now everyone's carrying concealed. You don't know who's carrying a gun.

Dick: Exactly.

Maddox: Yeah. I…you know what? I think I actually prefer that. I think I prefer concealed. You know, and these, like, gun slacktivists are saying, "Well, we gotta have open carry, 'cause if we don't have that, we gotta have closed carry, 'cause those are the only two options. We can't just, like, fucking go to a place and chill the fuck out and order a taco and shut the fuck up and go home!!" (angry) (Dick chuckles) And live your fucking life like you're not a fucking supercop!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Gonna save the fucking day! By the way, the instances of crime are so low that the odds of that even occurring…that fantasy scenario, is so low that you're more likely to get struck by lightning, I think. Maybe not lightning, but…you know, like you said, get hit by a drunk driver. There was a video awhile back where an old man was inside this casino. I believe in Nevada or someplace, uh…maybe California in an Indian Reservation.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: He was in a casino. And this guy came in to…a couple of thugs came in to rob the place, right? This old man pulled his gun out and starting shooting like crazy, these two guys, and they got scared and they scrambled and they ran out of the place, and the guy was like "Oh, big hero!"

Dick: Yeah. Oh, no…

Maddox: Big hero! However, he didn't hit a single one of the criminals.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So those are over six shots that are just going out in public! (Dick laughs) Just going out. Stray shots!

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: Thank God he didn't kill somebody!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But you know who did kill somebody? Cops in New York. There was a guy who was there to do, like, a mass shooting. He was there with a gun. He was threatening people. Uh, this was about two years ago.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And, uh…NYPD showed up. Nine people got shot. Not a single one was from the terrorists. All of them from NYPD.

Dick: What did they do? They just opened up on…

Maddox: Yeah. They tried to shoot this guy…(Dick laughs) and all these stray bullets are flying around in New York, in like, Times Fucking Square!! And shooting just random pedestrians and visitors, and tourists! They're the one…I believe, like, two people died and nine people got shot by NYPD, zero from the terrorists.

Dick: Shouldn't they be having rubber bullets if they're gonna be popping them off like that?

Maddox: I mean, I don't know!

Dick: That's a pretty easy fix.

Maddox: Yeah, but they're…

Dick: (interjects) Those things'll knock you over.

Maddox: Yeah, but they're also shooting at an actual criminal who may be wearing body armor.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Uh, yeah.

Dick: I dunno. That's what I got.

Maddox: I don't know that guns are a great solution for crime. You know what, Dick? You were actually one of the people who persuaded me for the gun debate argument. Because…

Dick: Well, 'cause it's military police.

Maddox: No, not…no.

Dick: That's the only thing…what…what did I persuade you on?

Maddox: No, not that. I…I always thought that trying to shoot a criminal was a stupid thing to do, especially if you live in a populated city, because there's a higher probability that you'll hit someone else with a stray bullet, which would just be awful.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's worse to kill an innocent person than to let a guilty man go, I think. But, uh…you told me that guns aren't meant to be shot in self defense at the actual criminal. You fire off a warning shot in the ceiling and the floor, and you know, hopefully you're not in an apartment building with lots of people around.

Dick: Oh, if you're, like, protecting your house?

Maddox: Yeah. You fire off a warning shot.

Dick: Yeah. It's…yeah. The idea of…you're executing someone for breaking into your house is a little bit…(stammers) I dunno if that's the best way to go about it.

Maddox: That's involuntary euthanasia. That's murder. Uh…yeah. That's not what I think that guns are designed to do, but I think the majority of people who are gun owners who have that fantasy of being, you know, the good guy who shoots the bad guy…that's what they're fantasizing about.

Dick: You know, I…I hesitate to agree with you, because I think you're right, 'cause it's, like, very project-y.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, I don't wanna assume that that's what all of these people are looking to do.

Maddox: No, not all of them.

Dick: A lot of them. Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, a lot of them probably.

Dick: Too many. Uh, "Guns replaced old guard weapons, because they were more economical, rather than more lethal." How about that? Did you know that?

Maddox: Old guard…what is an old guard weapon?

Dick: Old guards…this is like, um…swords, crossbows…shit like that.

Maddox: Oh, okay. Melee weapons.

Dick: Yeah. Uh, "Lifelong devotion was required to become a highly skilled swordsman or archer, but a few weeks or months of training could turn any lower-class soldier into a skilled gunner. Guns de-horsed the aristocrats." Pretty important.

Maddox: "De-horsed the aristocrats".

Dick: Yep. Power to the people, buddy. That's what guns give you.

Maddox: Well…

Dick: Instant power.

Maddox: I guess. You know, back in a time before we had nuclear weapons. And thermal weapons.

Dick: Yeah, but those aren't gonna be used on…that's, like, a bargaining chip for governments. Nuclear weapons.

Maddox: Yeah, you say that, but Sean, back to your point at the top of the show with Dick's problem. You said that why do they use rifles in military? I mean, we don't, for the most part. Like, especially the US government. We've been just dropping bombs. The Shock and Awe Campaign was almost entirely Air Force when it started, right?

Sean: But that's for terrorist cells. We use drones and stuff like that.

Maddox: Drones, yeah.

Sean: I'm talking about, like, an actual war. If you go to war with each other, you are…guns are far more prevalent than anything else.

Dick: And soldiers have to go in and lace the targets. They don't just shoot bombs willy-nilly. We gotta have ground troops down there checking things out, first.

Maddox: It helps. It helps. But, lately, we haven't been…especially Pakistan. Are you kidding me? We've just been drone bombing those guys nonstop.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: It's insane.

Sean: And we're killing civilians doing it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: And Obama upped that campaign. That's one of the things that a lot of the Liberals are really pissed off at him about, was he took the Bush program and took it much further.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: And people are like, "Hey, they've killed like a husband and wife on their wedding day."

Maddox: But Sean, he got a…

Dick: (interjects) Ohhh, that sucks.

Maddox: He got a Nobel Prize.

Dick: Well, it sucks for one of them.

Maddox: He got a Nobel Prize, what are you talking about? Sounds like a peaceful president.

Sean: Yeah, perfect.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I got one…what, go ahead?

Maddox: No, you go ahead.

Dick: I got one more story.

Maddox: Let's hear it.

Dick: About my life coach.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So they have these, uh…they have these, like, safety commissions at City Hall.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Once every, like, six years. It's very rare that you're allowed to go in and speak as a citizen of a city in LA on what you think gun rights and safety should be about in the city.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: Right. Uh, so he's big on having his voice heard.

Maddox: Of course.

Dick: And participating in politics!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Which…I…(stammers) you scoff at, somewhat?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You have disdain for that. I would never go to a City Hall meeting and give my voice on anything, right? 'Cause I feel like I'm talking to a bunch of soulless robots. I've no faith in the process.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But he does.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: So he spent…he spent all night putting together, like, all these detailed stats on gun safety and gun ownership.

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: And he's…you've never seen this guy put so much work and passion into something, right?

Maddox: (giggles) I imagine he was using glue and glitter…

Dick: Yeah! Like a child…like, constructing this beautiful diorama for the Science Fair the next day.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: He pours his whole…like, all of his knowledge and concentration, his heart and soul into this thing. Uh…next day, the Safety Council thing happens at City Hall…sleeps through it. (Maddox cracks up) See ya in six years!

Maddox: That is the most slacktivist thing…(Dick laughs) that I've ever heard a slacktivist do. That is insane.

Dick: Well, we did it once.

Maddox: Yeeeeeeeeah. (sighs) Well, good job, buddy.

Dick: Uh, do we have…I mean, we don't have any time. Do you wanna do solutions? Do you wanna do any more solutions? You got a lightning round?

Maddox: Yeeeah, we can do a lightning round. We'll do a real quick.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: 'Cause this…my next solution is related to my first solution, buddy.

Dick: Oh, good.

Maddox: Retirement Homes.

Dick: Oh!

(Sound effect: Clapping)

Maddox: Yeah. That's my solution. Retirement homes. Yeah.

Dick: Is that what you're calling gas chambers in your weird…(Maddox laughs) society?

Maddox: No, man. Hey, Hitler did that…for…to put them out of his misery, supposedly. Um, no, no. Gas chambers are not a solution, Dick. Retirement homes. Actual retirement homes.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: These are…these are ones where you drop off old people who can't care for themselves. Or are insane and belligerent assholes who terrorize the neighborhood with a megaphone and punch people in the face, er, the chest.

Sean: And they're what you threaten your parents with.

Maddox: Yeah, uh…(giggles) you know, it's funny you mention that, Sean, 'cause my brother actually does that, vocally, with my parents. Uh…yeah. My brother always come in. He comes in the house, like "Ohh, I can't wait til you guys die or I put you in a retirement home. I'm gonna knock this wall down. I'm gonna turn this into my office. I'm gonna put a Jacuzzi here."

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: And…I'm not even sure…he's not saying it with a wink and a nod. He's not saying it tongue-in-cheek. I think he's just that deranged. He wants to take my parents to an old folks home. Uh, it's pretty fucked. But anyway, people who can't care for themselves, Dick. Old…retirement homes are a potential solution. Um…however, (giggles) while I was doing research, all I kept finding were negative stories about retirement homes.

Dick: Uh-huh.

Maddox: But I think it's because people are trying to find some controversy there.

Dick: I think retirement homes get you laid!

Maddox: (cracks up) Yeah.

Dick: Yeah! Where else are those people gonna…you take all these old timers…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who know they have limited time left and put 'em together, man?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's like…STDs shoot up, it's like 16 and 65.

Maddox: Really?

Sean: That's exactly right?

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Sean: It's…it's a really sharp curve among old people.

Dick: Yeah. 'Cause they don't give a fuck anymore.

Maddox: Yeah!

Dick: And they get packed together in these homes.

Sean: And there's Viagra.

Dick: Yep. And they're big shots again. Like, they're back in high school, man.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they're like "Oh, I'm doing this up right now. I'm fucking everything that moves."

Maddox: That sounds amazing. Uh…

Dick: Get old people laid.

Maddox: Yeah. Getting old people laid. That's pretty cool.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And also, they can't get pregnant, right? Everyone's past menopause. No condoms.

Dick: Men can. I don't think the women can after 65.

Maddox: Man can get pregnant?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: (laughs) So it reverses?

Dick: Yeah. (giggles)

Maddox: Men get ovaries. Would you stop having sex if you could get pregnant at 65? Or would you use condoms?

Dick: Pssssh. I don't… I don't know. Um…

Maddox: Ahh, tables have turned.

Dick: 65. I've never thought of being that old.

Maddox: Yeah.

Sean: Let's see, what did I say 30 episodes back about condoms? (Dick laughs)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) His mind's racing back. So, um…

Dick: Do I have a dick still?

Maddox: (stammers) Do you ever? (laughs)

Dick: I can get pregnant, though? Over 65?

Maddox: Yeah, you can get pregnant.

Dick: Oof. I dunno, I'd have to think about it.

Maddox: Yeah. Every time you shoot, man. You get a…there's a chance it could just, like, I dunno. The sperm could go backwards, right into your ovaries. Your testicles turn into ovaries.

Dick: Hah! Right.

Maddox: Yeah. There's a hypothetical for you. Um, "seven out of ten Americans over the age of 65 will need long-term care, and 55% of surveyed oldies…" that's my word.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: "Said that they were afraid of being a burden on their family. So the…more people…more old people are afraid of burdening their family than they are of going to retirement homes. And there's a lot of stigma associated with retirement homes, but the ones I've been to and the ones I keep…I've read about sound…sound pretty good. They do offer pretty good care. And a lot of 'em are for profit, and I think the for-profit ones are probably a better way to go than government-run ones. Those are the…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. Those are ones that are…that come through with Medicare. I believe that there are provisions in Medicare…um, do you know the difference between Medicare and Medicaid?

Dick: No.

Maddox: Do you know, Sean?

Sean: Yeah. Medicare is for old people. Medicaid is for poor people.

Maddox: Correct, yeah.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: And I…I remember that, because I took a class called Society…I dunno, some Civics class, or whatever. I just found it interesting. I was walking through the course…the bookstore, and I picked up the syllabus for this class, and it sounded interesting, so I signed up for it. Um, but they were…the professor said, "You can remember that because people in America care about old people and they don't about poor people." So, uh..that's why Medicare is so much more funded than Medicaid. (Dick chuckles) Um, yeah. So there's 15,000 nursing homes. Most of 'em are for profit, I think that's a good thing. But I did see this on They said, "Elderly abused in one in three nursing homes" that they searched.

Dick: Ugggggggggh.

Maddox: And they said here, "In one case, attendants bribed a brain-damaged patient with cigarettes to attack another resident, then watched the two fight. (grins)

Dick: Oh, Jesus Christ.

Maddox: That's rough! However, um…

Dick: Non-voluntary euthanasia for those guys!

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. For everybody involved. Just put…put everyone down. Put everyone down. Um, however. Uh, they did say that the number's inflated, 'cause they count any amount…any kind of injury that happens to an old person in a retirement home as abuse, whether or not it was caused by another person there. So, sometimes people fight, and they slap each other, and they get hurt. And they count that as abuse.

Dick: They count them beating each other up as abuse?

Maddox: Yes.

Dick: Oh, that's stupid.

Maddox: They blame it on the retirement home.

Dick: Why do they…why do they do that to stats?!?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Why did they just aggressively ruin them? Who's doing that?!

Sean: Well, here's going back to what we said, or, what you were talking about on the last episode, I think, or the episode before, about life expectancy. Where I believe the United States is the only country in the world, and this was true last I checked, that counts murder into the life expectancy.

Dick: I've heard that.

Sean: Yeah, where it's…so it brings the average down a little bit. Not that there's, like, millions of people killed per year, but…

Dick: But they're, like, young people. They're like 19…most, you know, most murdering happens…

Sean: (interjects) Yeah, they can be. It definitely hurts the average.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, that's weird. Good job, America.

Dick: Is that your solution?

Maddox: Yeah, anyway, Dick. Retirement Homes. That's my solution.

Dick: It's a pretty good one. Hey, I forgot some stuff for guns. You couldn't have Die Hard without guns.

Maddox: Oh, that's true. That'd be a big problem.

Dick: Or Rambo.

Maddox: Oh, I fuckin' love Rambo!

Dick: Or finger-shooting guns.

Maddox: That's hilarious.

Dick: That wouldn't make any sense.

Maddox: No.

Dick: Alright. I got a last solution for you.

Maddox: Couldn't have Contra, either. Yeah, what's your final solution, Dick?

Dick: Well, you've been really excited recently about your campaign to elevate Monkeys as a problem.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But you know what? Monkeys are a big solution, Maddox.

Maddox: What?! (incredulous)

Dick: I'm not gonna sit here and listen to you bad-mouth monkeys when monkeys are…number one, um…the only reason we're in space.

Maddox: That's…that's…

Dick: How about that?

Maddox: That's not fucking true! Monkeys didn't invent rockets, dickhead! That's not the only reason we're in space!

Dick: They got us up there!

Maddox: No, they didn't!

Dick: Without their contribution, we would just be, like, "I don't know, maybe it's safe, maybe it's not."

Maddox: Dick, I'm not gonna let you defend monkeys when they could've been replaced with a fucking spotted pig or a dandelion!! (angry)

Dick: Are you saying you know more than NASA? They obviously used monkeys for a reason.

Maddox: They used monkeys because they're the most similar to certain people.

Dick: Uh-huh. (Sean laughs)

Maddox: Uh-huh. Yeah.

Sean: Certain people! (laughing)

Maddox: Yeah, you caught that, Sean.

Dick: The first ever monkey astronaut was named Albert. (Maddox laughs) Who rode over 63 km in a V2 rocket. Albert died of suffocation during the flight.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Albert was followed by Albert 2 (Maddox laughs), who survived the V2 flight, but died on impact after a parachute failure.

Maddox: Yeah. This is…

Dick: Albert 2 became the first monkey in space. How about that?

Maddox: Are you sure NASA's not the solution, man? They're wiping out monkeys left and right in capsules. (grins)

Dick: Albert 3 died at 35,000 feet in an explosion of his V2 rocket. (Maddox cracks up) Albert 4, on the last monkey V2 flight, died on impact on December 8 th that year after another parachute failure.

Sean: So nobody made it? None of them made it?

Dick: None of these monkeys made it.

Sean: Why did we shoot people into space given that the monkeys all died?!

Dick: They gave…they were testing the V2 rocket, Sean. They made sacrifices…invaluable sacrifices for our species as a whole! Invaluable! This didn't help monkeykind at all! It only helped humankind!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're only giving! They're our retarded genetic ancestors and they only wanna help us!! (yells) And I'll be damned if you're gonna call them a problem for that.

Maddox: Dick -

Dick: They got us into space! Look at this! Look at this chimp!! You see this chimp?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Ham?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: He's done more for us getting into space than you could even imagine!!! (yells)

Maddox: That's bullshit!

Dick: Than you've ever done!!

Maddox: That's bullshit, Dick!

Dick: You have not done as much as this monkey for us!

Maddox: That is involuntary! That's what that is! That…that monkey did not consent to going into space. That dumbass monkey probably thought he was being shot to a playground.

Dick: You know what? (Sean giggles) One of the monkeys…one of the monkeys that they shot up, so they're testing 'em on, like, pressing buttons.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: To see the effects on your brain of space travel.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Like, legitimately, they wanna test how a human mind will work in space.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Before we send one up there. Right? So you test it on monkeys, because they're similar.

Maddox: I guess.

Dick: That's why they…(stammers) you can't hook a POTATO up to a brain scan machine and see how it affects…and see the effects of space on a POTATO! Alright, you fucker?! (Maddox cracks up) So they send the monkey up there. They train the monkey to press buttons at a certain time during the mission, right?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Dick: And they reward him…they reward him with treats, and they punish him with shocks before they send him up. (Maddox laughs evilly at the thought of monkeys in pain) They sent one monkey up to do this after training him, and they fucked up the wiring…

Maddox: Oh, no….(grinning)

Dick: So it shocked him when he did the RIGHT thing, but he kept doing the right thing because that's what he was trained to do!!! (yells) And he wanted to get humans into space ahead of the Russians! (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: Oh, man! That monkey sounds like he was smarter than the dipshit who crossed the wiring for this simple…it was like a…(stammers) 50% chance of getting it right.

Dick: (scoffs) Yeah.

Maddox: That moron…whoever set up that machine, they didn't test it before they launched this monkey into space?!

Dick: I dunno. They got a lot of other things to do.

Maddox: You know what? Maybe it was a monkey who designed the system! Go vote up Monkeys, people!

Dick: Um, testing. (Maddox laughs) Testing. Scientific testing. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: We gotta do it on monkeys. We're trying to fix…man, we're trying to fix real human problems, like schizophrenia, obsessive compulsive disorder, attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, depression…(excited)…we're performing these tests on monkey brains!

Sean: Two words. In-mates. (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Maddox: Wait Sean, are you sure it wasn't…

(Sound clip: Dick: "Three little words.") (Maddox laughs)

Sean: Well, I tried.

Maddox: Yeah, close enough.

Dick: Sean, shut up. (Sean and Maddox crack up) No monkeys ever deleted a podcast!

Maddox: Ohohoho!!!!

Sean: Hey!!

Maddox: Uh…that's debatable. (laughing)

Sean: Monkeys can't work keyboards as efficiently.

Dick: Worldwide, between 100,000 and 200,000 non-human primates are used in monkey research every year to save human lives, Maddox!! (upset)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Monkeys are SACRIFICING themselves hand over fist!

Maddox: Dick, it's not a …

Dick: (interjects) By the…by the hundreds of thousands!!

Maddox: It's not a sacrifice if they don't know they're sacrificing themselves. That doesn't fucking count.

Dick: Testing disease prevention. Like HPIV. Monkeys are being tested. Cures are being tested on monkeys with that. For us!! FOR US!!

Maddox: Yeah. I'm all for it!

Dick: It's like practice us-es to practice things on!

Maddox: Yeah, practice us-es. (laughs condescendingly)

Dick: It applies to us!

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: You see?!!

Maddox: Yeah, yeah.

Dick: Things we don't have to care about, really.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You can just buy new ones!

Maddox: Dick, because we have such low regard for monkeys, is…is the solution. It's not monkeys themselves, it's HUMANS who have no regard for monkeys! It's humans who choose non-voluntary testing on animals! I like that. I'm all for it. And people who are against animal testing? Fuck off!

Dick: Oh, seriously, fuck off, yeah.

Maddox: Don't use…don't use…the benefits of animal testing. If you really strongly believe in that, don't take drugs. Don't take pills. Don't use…don't use anything…don't use your precious iPhone that you use to Tweet at.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And check…uh, PITA's website. Don't use GPS, because all this shit, all this technology came from animal testing, right?

Dick: Monkeys!

Maddox: Animal testing helped us with the space race. I'll…

Dick: (interjects) Monkeys did.

Maddox: I'm not…no…

Dick: (interjects) Monkey testing!

Maddox: Stop with your agenda, Dick! This isn't about…this isn't about that agenda!

Dick: Well, what other animal did? Chickens didn't help us get into space!!!

Maddox: I bet they did. The astronauts probably ate something…the engineers probably ate something and it was probably a chicken sandwich. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Satire. Monkeys are also good at satire. (giggles)

Maddox: (shudders) Oh, you motherfucker!!

Dick: Pierre…Pierre Brassau was a chimp who this other guy…lemme see. Alexson…Ake Axelsson, I can't even pronounce it. He got this monkey to paint a bunch of paintings and put 'em up at an art show.

Maddox: Oh, that's hilarious.

Dick: Yeah. And they were called, uh…lemme try to find this. Brassau, he named the monkey Pierre Brassau, and the critics said, "Brassau paints with powerful strokes, but also with clear determination. His brush strokes twist with a furious fastidiousness. Pierre is an artist who performs with the delicacy of a ballet dancer." And then the guy said, "Yeah, that was a monkey, idiots. So fuck you!" (Maddox laughs) Without monkeys, he couldn't have made that important point about the hypocrisy of the art world! And I know you hate phonies!!!

(Sound clip: Dick: "That's ridiculous!")

Maddox: They could've done it with elephants, Dick! They taught elephants how to paint in fucking…wherever. Africa, Thailand, some place like that. They taught elephants…they could have done it with elephants!

Dick: Helper monkeys. A helper monkey can assist you with turning pages, scratching itches, retrieving…this is from

Maddox: Are there any…

Dick: (interjects) I already checked it. Not anyone could apply for a helper monkey.

Maddox: Are there…are there any…I'm just curious, are there any helper monkeys that help not spread Ebola and other communicable diseases that could potentially wipe out the human race? I'm just curious.

Dick: What are you talking about?

Maddox: I'm talking about the problem with monkeys, Dick, is that they're disease carriers, that are the closest relatives to humans, and the potential undoing for mankind.

Sean: But you Ebola wasn't a problem.

Dick: That's right, Maddox, you did say that.

Maddox: Not Ebola. Not…no, no. Ebola…Ebola specifically is not; however, the types of diseases that mutate…AIDS, the origin of AIDS came from monkeys. Ebola came from monkeys. All these, like, really scary diseases. And I believe the bubonic plague…you know, you can probably trace every disease back to monkeys.

Dick: Bubonic plague came from rats, you fucker! You…you know what, Maddox? In 50 years, when you're in your dumb Oculus Rift…

Maddox: Dumb?!

Dick: In a coffin, getting shot to Mars. I want you to think, and thank a monkey for getting you there. A monkey who's gonna be the first one to test your dumb virtual reality with shit plugged into their brains.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They're gonna test that on a monkey. 'Cause they're close to us. Biologically.

Maddox: They don't have to, Dick, 'cause I volunteer. And you know what, Dick? I…(stammers) you know what? I invite monkeys onto my rocket ship to Mars. I need monkeys around to rest my feet on. I…I would love for there to be monkeys around to sit on, sleep on. I'll just make a bed full of monkeys and I'll sleep on 'em. I'll put 'em in a big box…a big box with, like, glass on top so I can just, like stare at the monkeys underneath me the entire time while I'm, like, restfully sleeping, thinking of my crazy hippie neighbor dying with the cats eating her face off. That's my solution, buddy.

Dick: That's a big solution.

Maddox: Monkeys are a big problem. Go vote it up, you fucker ! (giggles)

Dick: A monkey saves your life every day.

Maddox: Uhh, no they don't!

Dick: And you don't even know it.

Maddox: No, they don't. No, they don't. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah, they do.

Maddox: No, monkeys…monkeys are disease carriers. And they may be our potential undoing. I…you know, I keep hinting at it, because I don't wanna so…I don't wanna say I'm a prophet, but…(cracks up)

Dick: Okay. (scoffs)

Maddox: This is a little bit prophetic.

Dick: Uh-huh. (skeptical)

Maddox: Because I think that monk…the next great disease. The next big disease is gonna come from monkeys. And it's gonna be something we've never seen before. And it's gonna be something awful that kills millions of people. We're long overdue for the next pandemic. And it's gonna come from monkeys.

Dick: Alright. Thank you, Nostra-dumbass. (Maddox cracks up) What are your solutions?

Maddox: Euthanasia, asshole. And Retirement Homes.

Dick: Alright. Mine are Guns and Monkeys. GO VOTE UP MONKEYS, people!!!

Maddox: Go vote up…(cracks up) vote down monkeys as the solution, but up as a problem!

(Heavy closing riff starts)

Maddox: Fuck! You fucked up everything, Dick!!! (Dick and Sean crack up) Go to hell.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Uhhh, regarding Maddox's Oculus Rift solution. Uh, there's one glaring problem in that entire thing, namely, computer viruses. I guarantee that the minute that Maddox and your master race of disembodied brains are hooked up to your Matrix of the Oculus Rift, some idiot will put a computer virus on it and turn your paradise into some hellscape full of Apple stands and monkeys.")

Dick: Yeah, that's true.

Maddox: Wow. So, uh…what he's essentially saying is our current existence is a hellscape.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah. You know, I'm not too worried about viruses, man. In the virtual world, you could probably combat viruses with your fists. (Dick cracks up)

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey Dick, I got a Maddox Versus Maddox for you."

Maddox: Fuck. (Dick laughs)

"Fucking Maddox wants to talk about Oculus Rift?"

Dick: They're ALL Oculus Rift.

"And fucking not sleeping and dreaming and all that shit? It's the same fucking thing! You fucking sleep!"

Maddox: What?

Dick: It's like dreaming.

"You fucking dream. Lucid dreaming."

Maddox: No!!!

"You control your dreams. You control the fucking Oculus Rift. (Maddox groans and sighs) He wants to say that you fucking go out and you do shit instead of sleeping? You're not doing shit in an Oculus Rift! You're sitting there, rotting away! Nutrients being fed into your brain. Fucking bullshit!"

Maddox: Wro…wrong! (Dick laughs)

"Fucking go out and fucking do something instead of playing your fucking shitty video games and your stupid Oculus Rift, Maddox. And by the way, go fuck yourself.")

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: You know what, fuckhead? Listen. I'm gonna tell you exactly why you're a dildo. Okay? First of all…(Dick cracks up laughing loudly) You don't fucking understand anything about the Oculus Rift. You've never tried it! You don't understand. This is an experience. It's not like dreaming, because in dreams, people can't curate the adventure for you, can they, asshole? (angry) You can't go to Spain or Paris. You can't have somebody curate an adventure and show you places you've never seen that they created themselves. In dreams, you can't watch movies that you've never seen, unless it's been scripted! And here's why it's different from a dream, Dick. If you were in a mansion that had 100 rooms in a dream. In order for that to be real, you would have to remember the details of every single room, every single time, to consistently go in and have that same consistent experience, don't you? And in the Oculus Rift, or in the virtual world? You don't have to remember shit, because it's all programmed and it's all there, and it's all…"

(Recording cuts off)