Biggest Solution in the Universe - Episode 04
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
(Heavy metal theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Solution in the Universe, I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson.
Dick: Hey!! What's up, buddy? MAN, that theme song gets me every time. (grinning)
Maddox: It's pretty badass, STILL. And Sean, our audio engineer, and we have a small in-studio audience today. Sean, I'm sorry, I cut you off. Go ahead. (Dick laughs) You were gonna say...
Sean: Hi! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: So glad I waited.
Dick: Dynamite drop-in, Sean! (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: SO dynamic. Um, so...at the top of the show we should mention, one of our fans sent in this bingo card that he made. What's the guy's name, Dick?
Dick: Uh, his name is @CallDaCopsIDGAF, which we all know means "I don't give a fuck." That's his Twitter handle.
Maddox: Right. And we linked to it on Episode #37, but this bingo card is incredible. Something that you can play along if you're listening. We have a bunch of squares on here, like "Maddox makes a comment about Apple." Very likely.
Maddox: Uh, "Go upvote monkeys!!!" Which you SHOULD, by the way, idiots!
Dick: That doesn't count.
Maddox: (monkeys whooping sound effect) Uh -
Dick: (interjects) "Dick makes a logical fallacy." I don't even know what that is.
Maddox: Yeah. I don't, I don't know... (cracks up) I don't know that you can't. "Dick VS. Dick" segment, "Let's get to a real problem"...anyway, these are all squares. If you hear these things and you're playing along at home -- you've downloaded the scorecard, I imagine, or the bingo card -- uh, mark them off. We've decided we're gonna play in-studio today, and whoever wins gets a nice compliment from every other loser. Everyone who lost in the studio.
Dick: That's a good prize!
Maddox: It's a great prize!
Dick: Like, as...as far as we're concerned, that's kind of the ultimate humiliation, is making one of us say something nice about the other, right? So that's a good-ass prize. We should also say that we do have a small studio audience in here today. Uh, Randy, who's been with us for a couple episodes, and a...a *very* lovely lady.
Maddox: Yep! Very lovely lady, uh, Jessica's with us. And uh, Sean. And so we're all playing today, and -
Dick: (interjects) Can't emphasize the loveliness enough, can we? (sexy tone) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Um, so let's get this out of the way.
Maddox: Um... (exhales reluctantly)
Dick: WHO WON?!`?
Maddox: Nobody won, because it's not a contest. (Dick laughs)
Dick: (yells excitedly) Somebody won!! (background laughter) It's not even a contest for solutions?? It feels like for the solutions, there should definitely be a winner.
Maddox: It is ABSOLUTELY not. Because they're all winners, Dick, at the end of the day. So wait, where is this...
Dick: What? (smiling)
Maddox: Who, uh..."It's not a contest." (Jessica laughs in the background) I believe I...that is one of the squares.
Dick: Oh, okay. I also wanna say that, uh, Maddox brought in all the same game board for everyone to play bingo with when we first started this game. (cracking up) (background laughter)
Dick: So we had to change them around.
Maddox: So, anyway -
Dick: (interjects) It should be more of a scavenger hunt.
Maddox: Really? (skeptical) But we'll...
Dick: I think everyone should keep them secret.
Maddox: ...we'll be working, busy, doing the show, Dick. So it doesn't...it's not fair.
Dick: Alright, who won? Seriously, let's go. Who won? You can't...if you can't find it, you lose.
Maddox: Nobody won, Dick, but the SOLUTION that came in top last time was Genetic Engineering.
Dick: Ohohooo, yeah!! (gloating)
Dick: That was a good problem! We talked all about havin' two dicks! (shouting)
Maddox: Yeah...yeah, weird. (Dick laughs) Um, and surprisingly and bafflingly, the #freethenipple campaign...
Maddox: Which I guess I supported.
Maddox: (yells) And then More Nudity/The International Genital Index, you guys didn't think was that much of a solution.
Dick: Well, I'll tell you why: 'cause you said you would lead the charge on that by posting your genitals online, and you didn't!
Dick: I don't...I didn't see your balls or your penis anywhere on the Internet last month. Did you?
Maddox: Uh, *I* did!
Dick: Did you put them up there? Did you put...did you start the index off?
Maddox: Hey, I don't know who put them there. (both laugh) I turn on my Internet and next thing I know, I'm lookin' at my dick. Um, look guys, you don't...you don't think it's that big of a solution? Then FUCK you, I'm not puttin' my dick online. (yelling) Alright? Get fucked.
Dick: Alright. Um -
Maddox: (interjects) That's bullshit!! (raises voice more) And this is the thing that pisses me off the most, DICK.
Dick: Yeah. Go ahead.
Maddox: Rude People came in negative! That means you guys think that Rude People is a PROBLEM, not a solution.
Dick: No, 'cause I...I think what we discovered was that you were talking about *assertive* people. Uh, like this guy Simon Kempthorne -- I got a comment here -- wrote in: "I actually think Dick had a point about where to draw the line with rudeness. 'Rude people' could be a potentially great solution but there is still some sand that needs to be brought to the beach." I think he summed it up eloquently. That's a reference to the...the uh, butchered metaphor, or saying, of "bringing sand to the beach."
Maddox: Yeah. (exasperated)
Dick: And "taking sand to the..." No, I think... (stammers) Rudeness CAUSED all of the problems you were talking about, though. Remember that? It was like, people not being a good host and people taking up too much room...places.
Maddox: Driving like an asshole, Dick, is rude, and it's a good thing to do. Because if you drive like an asshole, you're getting where you're going quicker and you're making one less car on the road.
Dick: Yeah, but here's the problem: being rude also means driving across two lanes of traffic. (chuckling) So, that...more rudeness is not a fix for the problem. It's not a good solution.
Maddox: Well, it has to be righteous rudeness!
Dick: Yeah, there...you shoulda used THAT then.
Maddox: "Righteous Rudeness"?
Dick: "Righteous Rudeness," yeah.
Maddox: Aw, damn. You know what, I'm gonna update the database. It's -
Dick: (interjects) Well, Maddox, uh...before you do that, I think you know what it's time for.
Maddox: What? (snapping)
Dick: It's time for you to watch 30 seconds of Titanic. (mischievously)
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick!! (shouting) (Dick laughs) That doesn't count! This is not during...this is...that's during the normal episodes!
Dick: Ohh, that...
Maddox: This is solutions!!
Dick: ...it counts! It counts, alright? (giggling)
Maddox: I'm not...I'm takin' my headphones off! (angrily)
Dick: You're...well, I'm gonna describe it to you. You can hear my voice. [starts playing next 30 seconds of Titanic]
Maddox: You know what? I'm gonna hold my breath.
Dick: (pauses movie) So, do you remember where we left -- GOOD. Hold your breath, because we're about to go under the sea. (mysterious tone) (Maddox and Jessica laugh) Where we left off last time is the Titanic title card...thrilled us, after we saw all those people waiting for the Titanic. All those historical figures.
Maddox: BULLSHIT. (grumbling)
Dick: Alright? Now we're going underwater. I want you to watch this, Maddox.
Maddox: I'm not watching!!
Dick: We're going underwater!
Maddox: I will not look! I'm NEVER gonna watch this movie.
Dick: The sea is full of mystery.
Maddox: Go ahead and play it, Dick! (background laughter)
Dick: The sea is full of -- you're not...you're not, uh, you're not curious about what's under the sea?
Maddox: Yeah, I'm curious as an EXPLORER, not as somebody who's gonna watch the Ti-...I will never watch the Titanic.
Dick: We are about to meet some really great explorers in this clip.
Maddox: Okay. Go ahead and press play. (Dick resumes movie) I'm not watching it. I looked away.
(underwater sounds and wistful background music)
Dick: Look at that light! What could it be?
Maddox: I will nev-...I don't know!
Dick: There's a light...oh, you hear that beep sound?
Maddox: Is it? I don't!
Dick: That's submarines! (smiles)
Maddox: Is it a light? I don't even know.
Dick: I'm gonna show it to everybody.
Maddox: Yeah. (annoyed)
Dick: Look at that cool diving, like, robot guy that they got!
Maddox: Yeah. Cool. (sarcastic) (suddenly yells) You know what? You're -
Dick: (interjects) Maddox, there's a whole FLEET of them.
Maddox: You're punishing our fans, Dick! That's what you're doing. You're punishing them!
Dick: Everyone likes Titanic. I think our fans love Titanic. (grins)
Maddox: Nobody likes Titanic! (laughing)
Dick: Oh, wait wait wait, it...okay, so you got that there's, like, scavenger... (submarine makes mechanical noises) Look at that! That's cool!
Maddox: I...I don't what you're... (cracks up) I don't know what's going on right now.
Dick: That's underwater machinery, dude!
Maddox: Oh, wow. Cool, they found the Titanic? Is that what's going on? [Titanic clip ends] Who gives a SHIT?
Dick: We don't know! We'll find out next time. (everyone else laughs) They found SOMETHING. They found something underwater.
Maddox: Yeah, go ahead, you morons! Yeah, go ahead and vote up Dick's problems! (stammers) Dick's solutions! This is what you're gonna get.
Dick: Uh, I got "gloats about 'winning'" on the bingo right there. That's a good one.
Maddox: "Gloats about 'winning'" on bingo. Great.
Dick: Alright! Um, I ALSO have...you remember we did a wine test?
Dick: Last bonus episode. You wanna talk about that?
Maddox: We did a wine test, Dick, yeah. So, you lost. Uh, you...you lost the wine test. Do you remember that, Dick?
Dick: I *won* the wine test.
Maddox: (yells) Okay, you THINK -- okay, here's a recap for those who haven't listened to the last bonus episode yet. If you haven't purchased it, check it out, but listen to the recap of the wine contest. I simplified it for us! I got the first part of it and the last part of it, so here we go. [plays first clip from Bonus Episode 3]
Maddox: So we have 6 glasses, and I want you, Dick, to try them all and to see if you can rank them from most expensive to least.
Maddox: Okay, that was the requirement.
Maddox: That was all you had to do. And here's the results. [plays second clip from Bonus Episode 3]
(light game show music in background)
Dick: Alright. So 'D' is my top. What is the actual...what is the actual ranking?
Maddox: 'D' is your top? Interesting, Dick. That is an 18-dollar wine, buddy. You thought an 18-dollar wine...
Dick: Great! Pretty good!
Maddox: ...was way better than one that was twice the price!
Maddox: Yeah, so you failed. The one objective. (laughs)
Dick: Okay! HOWEVER. However...
Maddox: Ohh, gosh. Here we go. (jeering)
Dick: ...user..."Usercube" [Ubercube] sent in, uh...he sent in a chart of my data. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. Ohh. (disdainful)
Dick: Here's what he says: "Here it is. According to Maddox's own bullshit wine tasting study..."
Maddox: It's not bullshit. (muttering)
Dick: "...a simple graph of your rankings versus the actual prices shows a positive correlation between what you like and what you'd pay." [https://twitter.com/dickmasterson/status/562682446098214913] And here it is, Maddox. You feast your eyes on that graph. It is a squiggly graph that indicates as prices increase, my ranking went up! (Maddox laughs loudly) That's a positive correlation, you jackass!
Maddox: This "positive correlation"! He has 6 data points and he has a LINE drawn through, like a slightly upward slope. (yelling)
Maddox: That's what you were...?! (breaks down laughing)
Dick: That's called a stats, buddy!
Maddox: That's...NOT. (giggling)
Dick: This is enough to prove global warming, it's enough to prove that I can taste wine! (everyone laughs)
Maddox: That's not a stats, you dumb shit!! Positive correlation, my ass. There's a big dip in that, by the way, and that big dip is the lowest wine that you also happened to like. You ranked it as a tie with the most expensive! And then you tried to justify that as some kind of victory by saying, "Well, see, that's what I would've ordered in a restaurant." No, Dick! You wouldn't have, because you wouldn't have ordered the cheapest wine! You would have if you tasted them BOTH and thought that they both tasted good after the fact, but you wouldn't have ordered it EVER to begin with!
Dick: Is there a...is there a square on this bingo for "jibber jabber"? (background laughter) 'Cause that's what that was, Maddox. That was some jibber jabber. You're -
Maddox: (interjects) Oh actually, yeah, there is! It's "a story about Dick hooking up with a girl." (Dick guffaws) There we go.
Dick: I'll tell you one of those later. (smiling)
Maddox: Marked mine off. Yeah.
Dick: Uh, Ubercube goes on to say, "The key is that you said 'generally expect more expensive wines to taste better,'" which I did. The black line indicates that I did, AND...and, I also picked your wine as shit wine. So that's, that's two...two birds in the...well, I fucked that one up already. (laughs with Maddox) That's...that's a twofer, man. That's a twofer.
Maddox: Yeah, bring...bring two birds to the beach, Dick.
Maddox: I think that's the saying.
Dick: I brought two birds to the beach on that one. (wryly)
Maddox: Good job. Anyway Dick, uh, you got any voicemail?
Dick: I do. Uh, here's somebody who wants to talk about freeing the nipple. [plays first voicemail message]
Voicemail: Hey guys, this is Chris from Maine. Doesn't really matter what town 'cause no one'll know shit about Maine anyway. (Maddox chuckles) Uh, big fan of the podcast, want you to keep up the great work. Um, just have one thing to say about this "free the nipple" thing. I think if it really takes off and women are allowed to start walkin' the streets, uh, topless, then they need to give up their right to be offended by random boners in public. (Maddox laughs) Um, and one more thing is...Cuss Control's gonna help me out a little bit here...uh, Dick, go fornicate thyself.
Dick: Oookay. (exasperated) (Maddox laughs) Take your...take your boner outta here, Chris.
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno, man. That's a good point. If you're walkin' around the streets, you run into some random boners. That'd piss ME off. (Dick scoffs)
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling) Actually running into them, yes. Could you imagine being 13 and, like, it's okay to be topless? Oh my GOD.
Maddox: Holy shit. I...I masturbated to catalogs back in the day.
Maddox: Imagine like, an actual boob. When's the first time you saw a boob, Dick, in real life? A real boob that wasn't your mom's or sister's?
Dick: Um, it was at...it was at this weird...it was at this weird, like, um...cowboy fantasy place? Like one of those historical reenactment places?
Dick: And I remember being there with a bunch of...of guys my age. We were probably like 8. And for some reason -- we're talking about a real boob, like not a picture of a boob. For some reason one of them said he saw a boob. Like, some girl was changing into one of those bustier things. So -
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, like one of the performers?
Dick: Yeah, so we all ran back like the Little Rascals.
Dick: And I guess committed a sex crime by trying to spy on this girl...
Dick: ...uh, changing.
Maddox: Sexual assault! Arrest him, buddy!
Dick: Yeah, but I saw some really amazing sideboob through this, like...all these girls were kinda like whipping off their clothes and changing real fast.
Dick: And it was like, "Yeah, the guy was right!" That kid was right. God bless him, I can't remember his name.
Maddox: See, that was the very first deposit you made in your spank bank.
Dick: Yeah! I remember it vividly.
Maddox: It's a precious...yeah, it's a precious memory!
Dick: I've never jerked off to it though! I should...I should change that.
Maddox: Whoa! Wait a second, you saw a boob for the first time and you never jerked off to it?
Dick: No, dude, I was like 7 or 8. Like, I don't...you don't...you don't jerk off that early. It was before a time when I remember jerking off.
Maddox: I don't remember a time I *didn't* jerk off.
Dick: You came out of the womb like that? (cracking up)
Maddox: Came out of the womb... (laughing)
Dick: "I've been killin' 9 months roping the pud and now here I am! Surprise, surprise!"
Maddox: Doctors pulled me out, and they had... (laughs more)
Dick: "Hey Mom, gimme some soup!" (everyone laughs)
Sean: "And my correspondence!"
Dick: That was Sean laughing in the background, where's that? [finds bingo square] Yep!
Maddox: Oh, I already marked mine. I didn't even have an umbilical cord. It was just a string of semen they pulled me out with. (everyone laughs hysterically)
Dick: OH, GOD!!! (cackles) Uh, this guy...this guy also has somethin' to say about #freethenipple. Jonas Hasle: "Maddox is right about #freethenipple..." Remember how you said it would become ordinary and mundane to see nipples?
Dick: Women's breasts? Yeah. He says, uh, "Maddox is right about #freethenipple and how it'll become ordinary and mundane if there's tits flying everywhere. I mean, wasn't ankles and knees hot shit back in the day? When the swimsuits was long as fuck." (laughs with Maddox) I didn't...I didn't read this before I read it. "Also look at hair in burka-infested societies." And then an 'x' and an uppercase 'D', which is like, a laughing face.
Maddox: Yeah, laughing face. Yeah, I read that comment and he actually makes a good point, yeah! Yeah, hair...uh, knees and ankles were hot shit way back in the day when... (Dick laughs) ...people wore those...the godawful one-piece swimsuits from the '20s? You remember those?
Dick: No, they weren't!! They weren't hot shit! Knees and ankles??
Maddox: Are you kidding me?! If you've never seen a knee or an ankle and you see it for the first time, you're gonna jerk off to it, buddy!
Dick: (laughing hysterically) I'm gonna jerk off to a KNEE?!
Maddox: I'll jerk off to a knee! (yelling) (Dick keeps laughing)
Dick: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Wha-...?!? WHY? You don't think knees are precious? If you've never seen one before, you're not gonna jerk off to it??
Dick: It's like the knobbiest, most utilitarian thing there is! Nobody's jerkin' off over KNEES.
Maddox: Yeah, ergo nipples! Nipples aren't...nipples are arbitrary lumps of skin that we're just fetishizing because we're so obsessed with them.
Dick: No, they're sensitive! They're sensitive and they're erotic. (sexy tone)
Maddox: Knees are sensitive, man!
Dick: (chuckling) Knees are not sensitive. Knees get all busted up and, like, scarred over a lifetime of crawling around.
Maddox: Well, I don't know what kinda rough sex YOU'RE doing with knees, but with me I'm a...I make love to knees! (Dick bursts out laughing)
Dick: You're fucked!!
Maddox: You've never gotten a knee-job? (chuckles)
Dick: No, I've humped a couple knees, but I've never gotten a knee-job.
Maddox: There...see? Okay, there we go! Now -- I've been fuckin' around, now you did the real thing.
Dick: Hey, speaking of uh, sex, this listener...um, had a question for you. [plays second voicemail message]
Voicemail: Hey, fellas. Uh, I was wondering if Maddox can uh, retell the story of how he inadvertently, uh...found out his mom has never given his dad a blowjob, 'cause you guys were discussing how Maddox's mum gets worse every week. And she is pretty terrible. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Oh! Okay.
Voicemail: Tellin' him he should get AIDS, never given his dad a blowjob?
Voicemail: Come on, now. Anyways, I need to uh, tell this story to my girlfriend, actually, and uh...they find it troublesome to believe how your dad has never gotten a blowjob.
Dick: Wait a minute, I think it...do you think he's tryin' to talk his girlfriend into giving him more blowjobs?
Maddox: Ohh, that's what it is!
Dick: Yeah, you gotta always look for the angle.
Dick: It's always about blowjobs.
Maddox: Yeah, it's always about blowjobs.
Dick: I don't know if you wanna tell that story. I don't wanna hear it, but that guy did so I don't have a problem then.
Maddox: I'll tell you the story, 'cause here's why: my mom...doesn't quite understand the Internet. (Dick laughs) And/or credit cards. And payment systems. So she'll never buy these bonus episodes. I'm gonna go ahead and tell you the story! (Dick laughs loudly)
Dick: That's secretly why I brought it into the bonus episode. (both laugh)
Maddox: Perfect. Well...so I was workin' at the old telemarketing company a long time ago, and my mom called me one night. I was there REALLY late at night. She called me at midnight...around the time people would be, you know, in bed. And she said...she called me CRYING, and she said, "Maddox, I saw the most awful thing on the Internet." I said, "What's, uh, what's wrong Mom?" She said, "I was looking at the news, and went to some website and went to another website and I saw this little girl dancing in the corner of my screen. She was dancing, dancing, dancing," my mom said. (smiles)
Dick: Okay. (laughing)
Maddox: So she said, "Why is she dancing?" (Dick laughs more) "I'm gonna click. I'm gonna see why she's dancing." And my mom clicked on it, and it took her of course to...this is like in the, uh, the early 2000s.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Took her to a BILLION pop-ups of porn websites. And she said...she said she saw the most awful things you can imagine. And I imagined, like, the best things. You know, just uh...you know. (stammers) DP, and all this -
Dick: (interjects) Like knees?
Maddox: Knees... (laughs loudly)
Dick: 6 guys on one knee! (smiling)
Maddox: Fuck you, Dick! (Dick cackles) If you've never seen a knee, you're gonna jerk off to it! That's a guarantee.
Dick: No!! (stammers) No, because I've never seen, like, the inside of an EAR, and I'm not gonna jerk off to that just 'cause it's something I haven't seen. Like, I'm not gonna get one of those doctor, like, ENT stethoscopes and look in a chick's ear and then start jerking off in the office! (Maddox laughs) It's the same thing!! (laughs)
Maddox: What if it looks just like a vagina? You're not gonna rub one out?
Dick: Then I'm jerkin' off to a vagina!! (squeaking)
Maddox: Yeah! Except it's an ear! (Dick laughs hysterically) You know, if you put two knees next to each other, they look like a bum.
Dick: Okay. (giggling)
Maddox: Fat knees look hot! Anyway. Um, so my mom...my mom's tellin' me about all these horrible things she's seen, and then she started to describe something; she said, "And...and Maddox, I saw something so terrible, you'll never believe it." I said, "What did you see, Mom?" She said, "Okay. You know what Miss Lewinsky did to Mr. Clinton?" I said, "Yeah." She goes, "I saw that." (hushed tone) And then that's when I realized... (Dick still laughing hysterically) ...my mom has never given my dad a blowjob!! She couldn't have possibly given him a blowjob! Ever! She doesn't even have...it's not even in her vocabulary! She doesn't even know how to EXPLAIN this...this obscene sex act that she saw!
Maddox: And I thought -- yeah! And I thought, "My poor dad!" (Dick sighs in amazement) "My poor dad has never gotten a blowjob from my mom."
Dick: You sure she wasn't just tryin' to be, like, demure with you and secretly she really knows what's goin' on?
Maddox: Oh, my mom is fucking NOT demure! (Dick laughs more) I got more stories, buddy. She's talked about MY dick, she's talked about TERRIBLE...oh, yeah! My mom is, is, uh...she's got a mouth on her. She's not demure at all. Wait 'til you hear about her talkin' about lesbians. I'm gonna get her in as a guest on one of these shows one time, and I'll get her talkin' about lesbians. (cracking up)
Dick: Oh yeah, bring her in.
Maddox: She is!
Dick: Bring her in on Mother's Day, please God.
Maddox: Yeah. (background laughter)
Dick: Yeah, that would be a GREAT show.
Maddox: When is Mother's Day? I always ignore it.
Dick: I don't know! (sighs) Without Facebook I would never know.
Maddox: Yeah. So my dad's never been blown...uh, by my mom! So, uh, poor guy.
Dick: Good voicemail!
Sean: I think your dad is, uh...he's *jumping* off roofs.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs with Dick)
Sean: You said that, uh, he's always falling off of 'em? I think he's tryin' to kill himself.
Dick: So he's jumping off!! (giggling)
Maddox: He's too tough.
Dick: Maybe the woman she saw was just ruining a guy's presidency, not blowing him. Right?
Maddox: You mean *actually* Monica Lewinsky?
Dick: Doing what Lewinsky did to Clinton. Nah, nevermind. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Alright.
Dick: Is there a space for my jokes not being funny on this bingo?
Maddox: Uh... (sighs)
Dick: Nope! You wanna get to some solutions, Maddox?
Maddox: Let's get to some solutions, Dick. What's your first solution this week?
Dick: Encrypt everything.
Maddox: (yells) Okay, AGAIN you fucked up the way you... (Dick snickers) Dick, you sent that to me in an email and I thought you were just in a hurry and you were going to correct it when you said it on air. It's "ENCRYPTING everything." You need to add a gerund to that.
Dick: I WAS. I was gonna fix it before I got to the air, but I forgot. (Maddox bursts out laughing) Encrypting everything.
Maddox: Encrypting everything, okay.
Maddox: Why is that a solution?
Dick: Well, you know, the E-...you know...do you know what the EFF is? I assume you do, but I'm gonna say it just in case some people don't know. It's the Electronic Frontier Foundation.
Dick: They're a benevolent online organization, non-profit. Full of, like, smart people and lawyers, and their sole purpose is to preve-...to protect your rights online.
Dick: Right? Protecting your right to privacy, and...like, they're the...they're the people who defend, legally, people who can't defend themselves when it comes to cyber crimes or hacking and stuff like that.
Maddox: They're like the ACLU of the Internet.
Dick: I thought you were gonna say "the A-Team." (Maddox laughs) Of the Internet.
Maddox: They're like the A-Team of the Internet, sure.
Dick: Yeah. They're like the ACLU of the Internet, right?
Maddox: Sure, sure.
Dick: So they released...they released a, um...God, I don't know...I don't know what you'd call it. It's a gigantic document...this week, called a "Game Plan for Ending Global Mass Surveillance." Did you see that?
Dick: Yeah! It came out -
Maddox: (interjects) What is it?
Dick: Uh, well...you know, it's an interesting document. However, it kind of just brings up things you can do legally to pressure governments around the world. Like, right now everything online is known by the NSA. And like, the Five Eyes -- whatever five countries who are our buddies? Our friends? Our government -
Maddox: (interjects) Britain, Germany...yeah. Mhm.
Dick: Yeah. Canada...they're all just sending our data around amongst each other for laughs.
Dick: Right? And I really don't like that! I don't like the thought of all these, uh...these dudes, these vultures behind the scenes, like these men in black and these cigarette-smoking a-holes like the X-Files, looking at all the porno and erotic stories I'm reading online.
Maddox: These goons, yeah.
Dick: Yeah! When I think of the government, I like to picture, like, a guy...a dad who has like 9 daughters? And like an Italian wife, like Angelo's mom?
Dick: And all of his daughters are like that and he's just kinda like, "Yeah, I don't know! I don't know what's goin' on, man. Like, they're all just...everybody's just running amok and running outta control. And I c-...I have nothin' to do with it, and I'm barely...I'm...I have BARELY enough power to kind of exert influence every once in a while, but that's it." But that's *not* what the government's like, 'cause they know everything.
Dick: They got like, a fi-...they got their own...they got a copy of everything that we do online. And it really pisses me off.
Maddox: So you think that encrypting everything is the solution to prevent government from snooping?
Dick: Well, I would like to think that it's the...that it would stop it.
Dick: Because that's what THEY say.
Maddox: Wouldn't we all like to think that?
Dick: Yeah, but um...you know, it's...it's a very complicated problem, and the ease of access to our data is only part of it.
Maddox: Yeah, you know, Dick, I took a number theory class in college, and in that class -- it was one of the best classes I've ever taken -- in that class they taught us about, uh...it's a REALLY fascinating class, by the way. Here's a quick tangent, but EVERYBODY should take a number theory class, even if you've never had any higher level mathematics, even if you don't understand calculus. Number theory's a different branch of mathematics that has nothing to do with all that other shit that you don't know how to solve. Anyway, um, they taught us how to find prime numbers. That's one of the main things in number theory, is they're obsessed with trying to find all the prime numbers and trying to find if there's a pattern in prime numbers, right? And with prime numbers, that's how we create encryption and that's how these guys came up with the RSA. They used, uh, prime numbers to create the RSA encryption algorithm, which is supposed to be unbeatable. They taught us that encryption algorithm in my number theory class. However, that encryption algorithm that's unbeatable is not the one that we use in the industry. The one that we use in the industry has a back door, and that back door is available and accessible to most intelligence agencies around the world.
Dick: Yeah. Which I hate. That's...I also brought that in because, um, I don't know if I've talked about this much, even with you, but I...I also took math in college. I took discrete math in college, and I dropped out, uh -
Maddox: (interjects) Coulda fooled me. (muttering) (laughs)
Dick: (cracking up) Brief-...I dropped out briefly to work at an encryption company, and -
Sean: (interjects) Are any of these humblebrags?
Dick: Yeah, you're right! Yep!
Maddox: That's not humble. (annoyed)
Dick: You're right!
Maddox: That's not humble!
Sean: I was gonna say for YOU. [to Maddox]
Maddox: Oh. Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah! That was a humblebrag for you, Maddox.
Maddox: That's everything I say, is a humblebrag.
Dick: So I dropped out to join this encryption startup company and...you know, make millions of dollars, like everyone else who was joining startups at the time.
Dick: In the 2000s. Uh...of course I never made a single dime. But our encryption PRODUCT was supposed to fix things like this; however, it was impossible to convince people that they should do it! And now 14 years later, it still is! Like, can you ima-...the number one...the number one argument against using any kind of encryption online or protecting anything. And of course it only works if everyone is doing it. Right?
Maddox: Sure, it's like herd immunity.
Maddox: Anti-Vaxxers, vote it up, people! (yelling)
Dick: Exactly. When everybody's...when only bad...when only bad guys are encrypting stuff, it's easy to beat. Like, when only people who are trying to hide something are doin' it, it's easy to beat. But if everybody's encrypting EVERYTHING, then they can't get your stuff!
Maddox: Yeah. Well, you can't even get people to install new versions of operating systems or web browsers, or to, say, pay for a bonus episode to listen to their son talking about their parent... (Dick chuckles) ...not giving their father a blowjob.
Maddox: So, how can you get these people to encrypt their computers?
Dick: No, I don't know. And that's why I left it kind of as "encrypt everything" 'cause I didn't really know what to call this problem, but I think there needs to be a quantum leap in the way data is shipped around on the Internet. And I wanted to get your opinion on it.
Maddox: Well, Dick, you have this encryption product that you worked on. Why not just release it open source and let everyone encrypt everything all the time?
Dick: Because it still requires fundamentally changing the way people send their data around. Like, you can't easily post stuff to Facebook, you can't easily put stuff in a...in the public eye if you're using encryption at all. Like, Google wouldn't exist if everything was encrypted. It just wouldn't! It would just be a huge pain in the ass for everybody.
Maddox: Why? Isn't there...aren't there Tor networks that encrypt basically the connecting nodes and the connecting points that you...that you go through to encrypt your...your, uh...basically your trail on the Internet?
Dick: Right. Right! So, this is a...that's a great start. And that's part of my solution: everybody using something like Tor. Right? I don't...I don't know if Tor could...Tor, the encrypting network?
Dick: Like, this little thing that sends a little bit to everybody.
Maddox: Explain Tor for people who don't understand.
Dick: It wraps...it wraps every piece of data in...it's like playing "operator" in school. You're passing a note to somebody, you pass it to your buddy...
Dick: ...you pass a little bit of the note to everybody, and you say "I wanna get it to that guy over there...uh, and I'm writing instructions on how to get this piece to him and giving it to you."
Maddox: Yeah. It's a big game of telephone where, at the end of the line, you might be looking at some porn.
Dick: At child porn. (chuckling uncomfortably)
Maddox: Yeah. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. But that's the problem!!
Maddox: Child porn and illicit drugs. That's what...
Dick: That's the problem!
Maddox: That's what people really need encryption for, Dick. The majority of conversations online are stupid, inane bullshit. You know what? I wish...I wish it was all encrypted and I couldn't see people's Facebook status updates, because they're so fucking dumb.
Maddox: If they were encrypted with, like...I don't know, a 1024 key? I would NEVER fucking use it. I wouldn't even run the risk of accidentally unencrypting it.
Dick: That would be great! (amused)
Maddox: Yeah! It'd make me so happy.
Dick: Yeah. No, that's part of it, that only...only, uh, only drug dealers and uh, crazy porn, uh...people doing illegal porn, whatever...whatever flavor of illegal porn that might be, actually use it.
Maddox: (chuckling) Yeah! Oh, let's...let's IMAGINE.
Dick: But the...well, the problem is it's not...I mean, you said that "Yeah, you don't need it," and that only bad guys are doing it, kind of, but it's also having all that data out there. Like, um...recently somebody found that Google's basically saving every place you go.
Dick: And it's just accessible.
Maddox: Of course! Yeah.
Dick: That's just not encrypted.
Dick: Like, none of that's safe. Where you've been, like your...the little devices tracking you around all day, and it's just gonna get worse. That's not encrypted.
Dick: The problem is when you get that data to, like...the cops, who wanna bust you on something, they're not really as thorough as the NSA. (cynical tone) You know what I'm saying?
Maddox: You mean when they kee-...when they access that data, you're afraid they're not storing it safely?
Dick: No, I'm afraid they just kinda wanna nail you on things.
Maddox: Yeah, okay. So uh, that was actually a big point of contention in that, uh, Serial podcast that everyone was losin' their FUCKING minds over. Um, when -
Dick: (interjects) I didn't listen to that. At all.
Maddox: Yeah, I listened to it. I listened to like 3 episodes, and then by the time I started listening the last episode had come out, and all these articles came out summarizing it and I said, "Well, fuck it! I'm not gonna spend 12 hours of my life listening to this shit if I can just read a CliffsNotes."
Maddox: So I read the CliffsNotes and it turns out that, uh...you know, nothin' really happened. So, anyway, they... (both laugh)
Dick: Sounds like an awesome podcast. (mocking)
Maddox: That's basically the whole podcast! Like, "Hey, uh, you know that point where we started from? We're back there." Uh, great!
Maddox: We've made no progress. Um...
Dick: They don't solve things like we do. (smiles) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: No, they...THEY should come up with a big solution list, huh?
Maddox: Yeah. Anyway, uh, one of the points they brought up in this guy's court case is...he was near a certain cell tower during the time of the murder of this chick, right?
Maddox: So if he was in that...in that vicinity, then they can reasonably conclude that this guy...you know. That's pretty damning evidence!
Maddox: But you could be there for ANY number of reasons, passing by a certain cell tower. I know...myself, for example. You know, you uh, you can pass through...I dunno, thousands of cell towers if you don't turn off your cell phone.
Dick: Yeah! So you're agreeing with me that's it's bad?
Maddox: Yeah, encrypting everything, but uh, Dick, I... (sighs) I GUESS it's a solution. What are you...what's this, like, utopian ideal you're pitching? Yeah.
Dick: I don't know! I don't know.
Dick: 'Cause I can't think of one to pitch it...I can't think of a way to pitch it to people when the majority of people think that the NSA spying is just...is fine!
Dick: They're in support of it.
Maddox: Well, so the devil's advocate argument here is, uh, there is some good that comes from it. Right? They could potentially snoop out some...important information. That's how they caught the terrorists in Belgium before they were able to plan their attack! They were snooping -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, with NSA snooping?
Maddox: Yeah! They were...well, they had informants and snooping. They do everything. They do all sorts of tricks, and...
Dick: Nyeah, that's not...that's not worth it.
Maddox: ...heuristic analysis and all that shit. You don't think it's worth it?
Dick: No, that's not worth it to me.
Maddox: Yeah, well, you might be right, because our founding fathers agree with you, Dick. (Dick laughs) But -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah! Surprise, surprise. (amused)
Maddox: Let's get to a REAL solution this week.
Dick: Oh wait, no! I wanted to mention to mention executive...this executive order that this whole thing is based on, 'cause I actually think it is important. I read the whole EFF thing, and this was...this was one thing that it could actually change. So all...the entire power of the NSA to do this to us is by Executive Order, uh, 12333.
Dick: 12333, that um...that Reagan made before there was an Internet. So it didn't matter. And now every president since then has kept signin' it in, and they can all just wipe it! Right?
Dick: Any one of them can just say -
Maddox: (interjects) They're never going to, no.
Dick: No! They're never going to! Very frustrating.
Maddox: It's like airline fees! Once they add them, they're never gonna take 'em away.
Maddox: Prices never go down.
Dick: Government just gets bigger. Right? (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Okay, here we go, libertarian agenda! THAT should be a square on here. (Dick and Sean laugh) Is that a logical fallacy? I dunno.
Dick: Alright. What's your solution?
Maddox: Dick, let's get to a real solution this week. And I'm counting that as, uh, "Let's get to a real problem." Lesbians!! (Dick cackles; background laughter) Huh?? (cocky)
Dick: Okay. (amused)
Maddox: THERE'S a solution, buddy! What do you know about lesbians, Dick? (Dick splutters, laughing) Nothin'!
Dick: Well... (both laugh)
Maddox: Dick knows NOTHIN' about lesbians! This is from The Week -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, I...I'm good with lesbians.
Maddox: What do you mean, "good with lesbians"? They're not...you're not -
Dick: (interjects) No, I...I have an affinity with them. (slyly)
Dick: Like, I...somehow I understand them and they understand me. (Maddox scoffs)
Maddox: GREAT, Dick. Like, you can communicate with each other?
Dick: Yes, I'm like a lesbian whisperer. (Maddox and Sean laugh loudly) I really am!
Maddox: Yeah. How...what do you whisper to lesbians?
Dick: Uh, it's more about sounds. Making sounds and movements, like a magician.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (amused) Yeah. You know, Dick, I hate to agree with you on any point like this, but you DO have this weird thing. I've seen you around lesbians.
Maddox: It is weird. I don't get it.
Dick: And I can pick them out, too! (smiles)
Maddox: Well, yeah, I can pick them out too!
Dick: No, not the ones that are wearing, like, hockey jerseys. (Maddox laughs) Like, the ones that look like re-...just...just like regular girls. I'm like, "Ah, you got...you got kind of a lesbian thing goin' on here!"
Maddox: You know, I can too, Dick. I called it! There was this girl I know, and you know her too...I totally called it, and she recently came out. She's gettin' married to some chick!
Maddox: Yeah! Um, listen to this, Dick: only 19 percent of Americans over the age of 55 see pornography as a morally acceptable thing to do, and over 49 percent of Americans age 18 to 34 think it's okay. What does that have to do -
Dick: (interjects) Wait, what?? Say those numbers again, the percentages?
Maddox: 19 percent of Americans over the age of 55 see pornography as morally acceptable. So, the majority -- 80 percent of people over age 55 see pornography as a moral failing. [http://m.theweek.com/articles/458958/americans-still-cant-admit-watching-porn]
Dick: Wh-...80 percent of...?
Maddox: 80 percent of people over the age of 55. That means our parents' generation -
Dick: (interjects) Think it's a moral failing?
Maddox: They think it's a moral failing.
Dick: Ahh... (sighs) I could...I could see that.
Maddox: Now why am I talkin' about pornography? Why'd I bring that in?
Dick: I don't know. (muttering)
Maddox: Because of LESBIANS!! (Dick scoffs) 'Kay?
Dick: Okay. (smiling)
Maddox: So, lesbians -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause everything they do is pornographic? (wryly)
Maddox: No! (exasperated)
Dick: So there should be more of them? Alright.
Maddox: No, dude.
Maddox: Okay, listen. Lesbian porn, I feel like, really came into prominence in the...like the early '90s, late '80s. It was like...in the '80s and '70s it was kinda this like, taboo, hush-hush thing that kinda happened behind closed doors.
Maddox: But in the early '90s, lesbians EXPLODED onto the scene.
Maddox: Yeah! Right? And so, I think that lesbians have pushed forward the civil rights movement for homosexuals. Lesbians, gay, bisexual; you know, LGBTQ?
Maddox: They pushed that forward single-handedly.
Dick: I didn't know there was a 'Q' on there now.
Maddox: 'Q' is "queer."
Maddox: So that's, I think, all of the above. Um...so, the way they did that is there were a whole bunch of bigots and people who are...who were closet homophobes, and I would even say myself to some degree. When I was 16 years old, I...you know, I grew up in Utah and I was raised in a very conservative state.
Maddox: Conservative family. Uh, gays to me were this, like, disgusting thing. I mean -
Dick: (interjects) Really?!
Maddox: Well, sure!
Dick: Oh, THAT'S interesting!
Maddox: Yeah! I grew up that way, and all my friends were like that. They were like, "Yeah, it's this gross thing!" You know?
Maddox: Like, "We don't talk about it and we don't think about it." Um, and then I remember the first time I got onto a BBS...uh, when I was 16 years old.
Maddox: I joined a chat room, and there was a guy in there who was talkin' about bein' gay! And I'm like, "Oh my gosh! This guy's GAY!" (hushed tone) "Cool, alright! I got my very own gay to talk to. This is...this is cool!" (smiles)
Dick: Okay. (amused)
Maddox: So the first question I asked this guy -- I private messaged him. I said -
Dick: (interjects) So like, an imaginary friend. Right?
Maddox: Yeah. (both laugh)
Dick: "Sven." (grinning)
Maddox: No, this guy was a real dude! Uh, the first question I asked him...I remember I messaged him. I said, "Why are you gay?" And he wrote back and he said, "Why are you straight?" And I thought, "Shit!" (cracks up) "I don't fuckin' know."
Dick: Yeah, but *are* you? (everyone laughs)
Maddox: Yes, Dick. (playfully annoyed) I...yeah, anyway. So -
Dick: (interjects) Let's get this sexy listener in the audience to find out! That's what I wanna do. (grinning) (Jessica laughs in the background)
Maddox: Yeah. Mm'kay. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah! How's your bingo goin', sweetie? (everyone laughs more)
Jessica: I'm winning. (from the background)
Maddox: Yeah, RIGHT.
Dick: She says she's winning. (about to laugh)
Maddox: Yeah, right. Anyway -
Dick: (interjects) It's not a contest. Nothing on this show is a contest. You're not winning. Okay, I'm sorry.
Maddox: Ughhh! (groaning) (Dick cackles)
Dick: What else? What else? (giggling)
Maddox: So yeah, this guy told me that, uh...he basically asked me that question. That got...that started my line of thinking about this whole homosexuality issue, and whether it's a choice and whether you're born with it, et cetera, et cetera. And then I got to -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, that would be fascinating to know your thought progression from that.
Dick: 'Cause you're such a logical guy but, you know, you are who you...where you grow up.
Maddox: Yeah, I -
Dick: (interjects) Like, you just get their values automatically.
Maddox: Pretty much, but I reasoned my way into the point...into the position I'm at today. But...
Dick: Oh, that's interesting.
Maddox: ...that was one step of it. That was one step. The SECOND step was when my friends and I first started discovering porn, we came across this entire genre of lesbian porn!
Maddox: And it blew my mind! It was the hottest thing ever. I don't watch it that much anymore, because I'm...I'm uh, an adult and I've had sex with women before, so (Dick snickers) it's no longer this... (cracks up) ...this fascination with me.
Maddox: That's not a 'bag of sand' comment, Dick. (Dick bursts out laughing) Ass.
Maddox: Anyway. So that also helped progress my thinking! I remember thinking at the time...I thought, "Well, this is pretty hot, but it's...gay sex I'm watching. I'm watching two women have gay sex together."
Maddox: So I rationalized; I thought, "Well, if I don't have a problem with *this,* then how can I have a problem with that?" And I found that I wasn't the only person who...who had that kind of connection. Like, people...people felt like they didn't wanna be hypocrites.
Maddox: 'Cause people -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but don't you think they're doin' it for your benefit, kind of? Like for lesbian porn? It's like they're not really...you're not really watching gay sex. Like...
Dick: I don't know if lesbians are like...at home they're like, flinging pillows around and having pillow fights and, like, calling each other whores, right? (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah...yeah. (laughs loudly)
Dick: Probably not! Probably not.
Maddox: Yeah, probably not. No, you're right. (Dick laughs) You're right, Dick. However, there was...I did a lot of research around that time. I picked up books on lesbianism, and... (cracks up)
Dick: Oh, yeah. Ohhh, yeah! (suggestively) (background laughter) Me too! My research CONTINUES.
Maddox: Yeah! (everyone laughs more)
Dick: Yeeeah. (sexy tone)
Maddox: Doin' research right now. What's on your laptop over there, Dick? Anyway. Um, I started doin' research on lesbian porn, and... (cracks up) Excuse me, not lesbian porn. Lesbian culture and, uh, lesbians, and I started getting to know...you know, what it's like. Like, what those people are. I became friends with some lesbians and gay people, et cetera, et cetera. But that was the gateway towards it, and I believe that that's what caused a precipitous movement in the gay rights...movement, I believe.
Dick: Ohh! (astonished)
Maddox: A precipitous moment in the gay rights movement.
Dick: So lemme get this straight: you're saying that lesbians are a gateway tolerance for people.
Maddox: (yells) That's...that's it, Dick!!
Maddox: That's it! That's the summary.
Dick: Oh, wow!
Maddox: Gate-...lesbians are the gateway to tolerance!
Dick: It's like 'gay lite.' (background laughter)
Dick: Something homophobes can, like...can ingest.
Maddox: Yeah, it's something homophobes can ingest. It's like, "Well, you know, you take a little bite, you like a taste of this?"
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: "Well, now you got a big dick in your mouth." (everyone bursts out laughing) Listen to this, Dick. Have you ever...have you ever talked to a chick online, and you're tryin' to get her -
Dick: (interjects) Once or twice. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: And you're tryin' to get her...again, your sister and mom don't count. You're tryin' to get her to send you pictures of her panties...off. (Dick laughs uncomfortably)
Dick: No, no, no, no, nonono. I'm not that guy. Remember? I go to, like...I go to...to bikini bars.
Dick: I don't... (stammers) Try to get pictures of her panties off?
Maddox: You always want nudes, don't you??
Dick: I just want topless, man!
Maddox: Okay, topless, fine. (annoyed)
Dick: I don't give a fuck about...
Dick: ...what's goin' on down below.
Maddox: Whatever, Dick! (background laughter) You're not into knees, I found out. Um... (laughs)
Dick: Nothin' below the waist. (guffaws) Or above the neck. (everyone laughs) Or on either side of the torso. That's my sweet spot. (grinning)
Maddox: (still laughing) You...starting from the very left edge of the left areola to the right edge of the right areola.
Dick: Nah, I like sideboobs.
Maddox: Oh, you like sideboob, okay.
Dick: Yeah. I'm a...I'm a podsexual.
Maddox: Oh, thank God. (Dick laughs) Thank God you're not some WEIRDO. (cracks up) Anyway, Dick. You're talkin' to a girl online, you're tryin' to get into s-...you know, the sexy territory with the conversation. Uh, have you ever asked a girl if she likes to watch porn?
Maddox: What an idiot!! WHY NOT?
Dick: 'Cause I'm too busy askin' them about their dads! (laughs; background laughter)
Maddox: Oh GREAT, Dick. Your stupid fucking pickups are the WORST!! The worst, Dick! I don't know you've ever been laid. Anyway Dick, a normal guy -
Dick: (interjects) Right? I mean, it should...knowing me, ev-...by now everybody listening to the podcast, knowing my actual personality, MY pickup lines are fuckin' INCREDIBLE if I EVER get laid.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling derisively)
Dick: So, MY lines are lines are like plutonium. Go -- but please, continue.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. No, they're Kryptonite. Is that what you meant to say? They're definitely Kryptonite.
Dick: They're like Red Kryptonite. (smug)
Dick: That's a different kind of Kryptonite.
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: That makes Superman go horny as FUCK. (everyone laughs) Only the green hurts him.
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Um...I'm tired of hearin' about your Green Kryptonite. (Dick giggles) Listen to this, man. So, when I ask a chick sometimes...when I ask chicks if they watch *porn*...
Maddox: ...invariably they say "yes," and they say that the type of porn they're into is lesbian porn!
Maddox: Most chicks I know who watch porn watch lesbian porn. And Sean's nodding -- Randy, have you ever talked to a chick who, uh...who, uh, looks at porn? Lesbian porn? Randy's nodding, everybody's nodding!
Dick: Well, wait a minute! We didn't ask the most important person in the audience what...
Maddox: What, no... (laughs) (Jessica laughs in the background) Ha! She's... (still laughing)
Dick: ...whether SHE watches lesbian porn or not. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah, she's blushing too hard, so that's a "yes." So listen to this, Dick -
Dick: (interjects) No, I wanna get a nod or a head shake or something!
Maddox: Yeah, there's a nod!
Dick: Ohh, that's a nod!
Maddox: We got a nod. (grinning)
Dick: Was that a nod about what I wanted or was that a nod about the porn?
Jessica: That was a nod about the porn. (from background)
Dick: That was a nod about the porn, she says.
Jessica: Because the porn...lesbians... (inaudible in background)
Dick: Sean, give her a mic. Can we do that?
Jessica: (into mic) It's because the lesbian porn is really delicate...
Dick: Ohh! (intrigued)
Jessica: ...and it's actually what the woman WANTS to feel. So, you know, if you see a guy porn they're all rough, and it's like something that the lesbian...the girl doesn't like. So, the -
Dick: (interjects) My...my ex did the exact same thing.
Dick: You're suddenly -- I'm suddenly remembering like, when she got into porn...
Dick: ...it was...it was for the same reason.
Maddox: Because lesbian porn is done from the woman's point of view, whereas most porn is done as a MALE'S point of view, because it's kinda like the male fantasy, right? 'Cause lotsa...'cause guys are consuming most visual porn! So I went to Cosmopolitan.com. (cracking up) Cosmo. Uh, they had a study. They had a...a survey that they did with 4,000 men and women that they asked. [http://www.cosmopolitan.com/lifestyle/videos/a20835/how-you-watch-porn-survey/]
Maddox: 73.3 percent of women age 18 to 24 say they watch porn, according to Cosmo. 73 percent! So it's probably higher than that, 'cause a lot of people are shy and they lie about that kinda thing. 45 percent of single women watch porn, and this is interesting: 55 percent of women in relationships watch porn!
Maddox: So if you're in a relationship, you're actually watching MORE porn than single women.
Maddox: And 28 percent...28 percent of women...
Maddox: ...when they watch male...when they watch straight porn, male and female; one woman, one man? 28 percent of them are watching the woman! Instead of the couple, or instead of the man.
Dick: Wait, the...wait, 28 percent of women watching porn are watching the woman?
Maddox: Uh-huh! And these are...these are straight women watching straight porn. They're watching the woman.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Yeah! And 46 percent of women admit to watching lesbian porn, whereas only 2 percent of MEN have ever watched gay porn.
Dick: Oh my god.
Maddox: Which sounds like it correlates to the amount of gay...gay men in the population. Right?
Dick: My head's gonna explode. You've got, like, porn and all these numbers to keep track of all at once.
Dick: Like, I wanna listen...usually I just snooze out at the numbers, but then you're talking about porn, so.
Maddox: See, I like porn and I like math, so I'm gettin' a power boner, buddy. (Dick scoffs and laughs) 63 percent of men have never watched gay porn, and only 15 percent of women say that they *haven't* watched lesbian porn. Only 15 percent of women have deprived themselves of the wonderful, wonderful world of lesbian porn. So lesbian porn is a solution because A) it has moved the civil rights movement FORWARD for gays.
Maddox: People are more likely to be receptive to same-sex marriage! Because -- I believe, because of lesbian porn. You can see...I have a graph here from, uh, I think...I believe it's from Pew. The Pew Research Center. [http://www.pewforum.org/2014/09/24/graphics-slideshow-changing-attitudes-on-gay-marriage/] In 2009 and 2006, there were two big jumps in the attitudes of gay marriage. From 2006 to 2014 it's increased precipitously, but it's generational too. Our generation is way more likely in favor of same-sex marriage than our gener-...than the Silent Generation, which is what they call it. (cracking up) The Silent Generation is 1928 to '45. Baby Boomers -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, the Matures.
Maddox: The Matures, yeah.
Maddox: They're...they're opposed. Only 35 percent of them are in favor today of same-sex marriage, whereas the Baby Boomers, that's...if you were born from 1946 to '64 they classify you as a Baby Boomer, and only 46 percent are. Then Generation X is '65 to '80, that's 53 percent. And then Millennials, 1981 or later: 67 percent in favor of gay marriage.
Dick: This graph looks like a big ol' boner, doesn't it?
Maddox: It does look like a big ol' boner, buddy.
Dick: Well, you...you fucked somethin' up, though.
Dick: You should call this solution "lesbian PORN," not "lesbians."
Maddox: Nahh! Lesbian porn...lesbian porn couldn't exist without lesbians!
Dick: Yeah, I guess, but lesbians are also a big problem.
Maddox: Why...?! (laughs) (background laughter) Why are they...why are they a big problem, Dick?
Dick: 'Cause they're takin' our women.
Maddox: Uh, n-... (cracks up)
Maddox: No, they're not!
Dick: Every lesbian couple you see...
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: ...that's a...that's competition.
Maddox: No, Dick, they're not TAKING...no, they're not!
Dick: That's two women that are being taken away from you.
Maddox: They're taking other lesbian women, which were never in our dating pool to begin with.
Dick: Well, you don't know that.
Maddox: (yelling over Dick) Fallacy!! Logical fallacy, there we go! (laughs)
Dick: OH, SHIT!! (laughs)
Sean: That's a fallacy! Exactly.
Maddox: Here's one other thing, Dick, and this is my last point about lesbians: it's also a form of population control!
Maddox: They're fewer people having kids! I know they can adopt and in vitro, but adoptions? Great! They're taking kids who need parents and giving them parents.
Maddox: So that's my argument with lesbians, man. Biggest solution in the universe! Vote it up!! (yelling)
Dick: Here's another problem with lesbians, though.
Maddox: What? (snapping)
Dick: They kill your game, man.
Dick: Have you ever tried picking up a girl with a lesbian as a wingman?
Maddox: With a lesbian as a wingman? No, most of my...most of my wingmen are straight women or you.
Dick: Yeah, I'm good at it.
Maddox: You're...you are good.
Maddox: You are good. You are good, and there's one other person we both know mutually who's...EXCELLENT wingman.
Maddox: I've had some really shitty women wingmen.
Dick: Who is it? Oh, our...our Chinese friend?
Maddox: That's the guy.
Dick: Yeah, he's amazing.
Maddox: He's amazing.
Dick: He's amazing. Um...
Maddox: He's like the James Bond of wingmen.
Dick: No, I tried to...I was talkin' to this girl at a bar, and uh, I was there with my friend who's a 'Q', I guess. Can you...can you say "queer" if they say...they got it on the sign?
Maddox: They...I know who you're talk-...yeah, she identifies herself as queer. Yes.
Dick: So I can say it as much as I want?
Dick: Alright! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I was there with a queer... (Maddox laughs harder) Is that wrong?? Am I allowed to do that?!
Maddox: The way you're saying it...
Dick: RIGHT?? (shrieking)
Maddox: You're getting too much joy out of it!
Dick: Oh, 'cause I haven't been able to say this since, like, 1992. Um... (background laughter) So I was there with my friend and we both notice this girl, so I'm like, "Oh, game on! Let's, uh, let's go talk to this girl." Right?
Maddox: M'kay. (amused)
Dick: We get over there, and she's like a 13-year-old boy that's seen a boobie for the first time.
Dick: Like, just shooting pickup lines...
Maddox: Oh, no.
Dick: ...and compliments and spaghetti out of her pocket like a pasta machine. (Maddox groans and laughs) I was like, "Oh my god! What...what...?" Like, I start laughing at this girl's reaction 'cause she's like, "I've never s-...I don't know if this is like a...is this real life?" She's looking at this, uh, this girl with me, saying like, "Am I getting hit on by a 13-year-old boy? But coming out of...is this like a Freaky Friday thing that I'm witnessing?"
Maddox: (exasperated) Oh, Dick, you toolbox. You know what happened there? You guys were both gunnin' for the same girl!
Dick: Yeah, but you can do that...you can do that...
Dick: ...you can do that, um, gracefully.
Maddox: Not as a wingman, you can't! If a wingman is there, he's there to support you, and if the...if your target...if the person you're talkin' to suddenly takes interest in your wingman, your wingman, as a gentleman, should back down and be like, "You know what? I'm gonna go to the bar, get you guys both a drink, and try to salvage this relationship." What SHE did though, she was wingin' for the same girl that you were.
Maddox: That's a terrible wingman.
Dick: Well, either way, I would've been...I would've had better chances with the girl if I had just jizzed in my pants right there and just said like, "Hey, check THAT out."
Maddox: Oh, man.
Dick: "Just jizzed in my pants! What do you think about that?" (sexy tone)
Maddox: (gags) I think it's pretty gross, Dick.
Dick: Alright. Is that your...is that your solution?
Maddox: That's my solution. Lesbians.
Dick: 'Kay. Here's my next solution. Oh man, we're runnin' outta time. Uh, this is a...this is a good one. Novel solution! It was suggested to me, and I phrased it correctly, I think. Time traveling.
Maddox: Oh! Alright. ('ding!' sound effect) Well, you did uh, phrase it correctly, Dick, so there you go. There's one for ya.
Dick: What problem couldn't we solve with a little bit of time traveling, Maddox?
Maddox: Paradoxes. (laughs; background laughter)
Maddox: Ah, shot you down already!! (yelling) Let's move on, my solution! (laughs more) Yup! Anything else, Dick? (giggles)
Dick: Uh.....no, I had...I had written stuff down, but... (Maddox still laughing) ...not that big. Hm.
Maddox: Okay. Dick, first of all, time travel is rife with paradoxes. (both crack up)
Dick: I suppose so. What about if it's the kind that it doesn't...that isn't?
Maddox: Oh, the imaginary kind? Well, it's all imaginary! (Dick cackles) It's not a real fuckin' thing!
Maddox: What do you mean, "time travel"?? Your solution is so hypothetical! BOTH your solutions! Everyone encrypting everything and time travel. Great solutions this week, Dick.
Dick: Encrypting everything is gonna happen.
Maddox: Oh, well...
Dick: That's a...that's gonna happen.
Maddox: You hope!
Maddox: You know what, Dick? Uh -
Dick: (interjects) They got top minds working on it. (Maddox scoffs)
Maddox: Top minds, really? Yeah, they're workin' around the clock to encrypt everyone's data.
Maddox: The government doesn't want it, industry doesn't want it! It makes everything more difficult, there's more data...there's more data processing that goes on with encryption.
Dick: So what do you think, it's just gonna be the way it is forever with everybody basically writing everything they write out in the open?
Maddox: I think people who are worried about the security of their data being stolen, like Target so they don't get another giant-ass lawsuit...um, those people will care and then, uh, the le-...the rest of the dullards, the 99 percent who are sitting there posting stupid shit to, uh...stupid articles to REALfarmacy and WorldTruth.TV on my fuckin' Facebook feed all the fuckin' time! (angrily)
Maddox: Those people aren't gonna encrypt SHIT!
Dick: No, I think there will be, like, a quantum evolution in the way data is sent around through the Internet.
Maddox: Speaking of quantum evolution, Dick... (Dick cracks up) ...how is time traveling a solution?
Dick: Uhh, well, besides the paradox... (Maddox laughs) ...what problem could you not solve with time traveling? (smiles)
Maddox: Oh, boy. Um -
Dick: (interjects) Slacktivism?
Maddox: Slacktivism, yeah.
Dick: You get all the slacktivists together, you go back in time, and you bang their moms! (Maddox laughs) So they're never born. (slyly) Pretty good...pretty good solution!
Maddox: Or I'm...
Dick: So far!
Maddox: ...I'm the parent of all those people. Here's a...here's something you couldn't solve -
Dick: (interjects) Wear one of your precious condoms so they're never born! (Maddox scoffs and laughs)
Maddox: Yeah, I will wear a condom, Dick. Or I'll pull out, how 'bout that? Either way, they're not gettin' pregnant. Not from this guy! Besides, I'm jerkin' off too much. Anyway. Um...listen, Dick. (Dick laughs) Here's a solution -
Dick: (interjects) Did you get pregnant through the knees? (giggles; background laughter)
Maddox: I mean, if you shoot hard enough, sure! I could see that!
Dick: Oh, GOD. Alright. (disgusted)
Maddox: You know, I immediately pictured a position where that could be possible. I'd have to be on top, and then...they'd have to be kinda, like, that prone posi-...? No, okay. Anyway!
Maddox: It's getting gross. Um...Dick, here's somethin' you couldn't solve with time travel. Here's some-...what time is it? How are you gonna solve that with time travel, dickhead? What, are you gonna go back in time and look at the time when they ask and then come back to the future and say, "It's 8:53," but you're gonna be wrong!
Dick: No, I was gonna do one of those stupid, uh, "The question isn't WHERE are we, it's WHEN are we."
Maddox: Oh, jeez. (under his breath)
Dick: But then I realized that was the actual... (background laughter) ...question. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. What time is it?
Dick: "What time is it?" Don't be a jackass. You could solve anything!
Maddox: With time travel?!
Dick: With time traveling, yeah.
Maddox: Not "what time is it?"! (yelling over Dick)
Dick: What was your last problem? Vintage clothing?
Dick: Go back in time and get the clothes new, man, when it's cheap!
Maddox: Then it's not vintage.
Dick: You got no more overpriced vintage clothing!
Maddox: Oh, that's true, Dick! With time travel, there would be no vintage clothing.
Maddox: It's just clothing.
Maddox: Which is great! I love clothing.
Dick: Yeah, it's a pretty good solution.
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling) GREAT, Dick. It's a good solution for no one, because it still doesn't fucking exist! It's all theoretical. (yelling)
Dick: (excited) Are you...?! You're shitting on TIME TRAVELING?
Dick: WHAT?!? (shrieking) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: I knew...I knew you brought this in thinkin' that I'd be all on board! You know what, Dick? I am.
Dick: (laughing) You don't have to be all on board, but you can't even solve "what time is it?" with time traveling?? What -- I'm sorry, go ahead.
Maddox: You know, there's all these paradoxes. There are all these people who talk about the paradoxes of time travel, but they say "Look, if time travel exists..." There was a guy, I believe it was in The New Yorker or some ar-...some magazine. He wrote this article about how everyone's first thing that they would do with time travel is go back in time and kill Hitler. But he said -
Dick: (interjects) What??
Maddox: Yeah! That's what...that's what most people say.
Dick: (scoffing) Ah, whate-...those are liars.
Maddox: Yeah, they're liars.
Dick: No they wouldn't!
Maddox: Buncha idiots. They'd be...no, like people are that altruistic. (cynical) And also, he made the case that...first of all, the majority of people aren't murderers. You don't have it in you to murder someone. If you went back in time -
Dick: (interjects) Even if it was Hitler.
Maddox: Even if it's Hitler!
Maddox: If you went back in time and you...and you were tasked with having to strangle Hitler, could you do that? Could you really fucking do that? I mean, not ME or YOU, but I'm saying in general, the listener. Could you strangle Hitler to death?
Maddox: I know I fucking could! But, like, the majority of people can't! They don't even have the strength, they don't even have the fortitude! They can't hold down a man to strangle him!
Maddox: Are you kidding me?! And then he said...there's that argu-...I think it's a comedian, I forget who said this, but he said, "If you went back in time and killed Hitler as a BABY, then that means you're just a baby killer!" Because no one at that time would've known that Hitler was gonna grow up to be this dictator. To them, you just went back in time and murdered a baby! "Here comes a time-traveling dickhead, just...BOOM."
Maddox: "You know, zapping into our time and then just murdering a baby and then leaving."
Dick: You'd have a lot of explaining to do.
Dick: You'd be known...you'd be known throughout history as that one guy who killed a baby. (chuckling)
Maddox: And could you live -
Dick: (interjects) And that's it.
Maddox: Could you live with that on your conscience? Like, actually having...imagine strangling a baby, or holding its head down under...underwater. Like in a bathtub, or a sink, or a toilet...
Dick: I don't wanna do that!
Maddox: Exactly! So you're not gonna kill Hitler.
Dick: Alright, well, this -
Maddox: (interjects) So, you can't -
Dick: (interjects) This solution's got alotta problems stacking up. (sighing)
Dick: Paradoxes, not killing Hitler...
Maddox: And also, I saw a webcomic, Dick...everyone imagines time travel as this nice, neat thing that happens where you just hop in a machine and you just...zap to some time! Right? But I saw this webcomic a while back that showed the...the actuality of time travel that nobody really considers. If you zap out of Earth at a certain time, Earth is going to keep spinning. And if you zap into another time, Earth isn't going to be in the same location that you left from. (cracking up) You're going to zap into space somewhere.
Dick: Yeah...well, I was talkin' about the kind of time machine where you could just go back and, like, steal a bunch of famous songs. (Maddox laughs; background laughter) And pretend that you wrote them.
Maddox: Dick, that's what we're gettin' at, some bullshit. Alright, what's your...what do you wanna steal, Dick? (smiling)
Maddox: No, no.
Dick: "Happy Birthday"! I'll steal that. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Dick: I wrote it! (background laughter) I'll go back, I'll make up a bunch of, like, fake names, and then steal famous songs.
Maddox: Is that what you would steal? You wouldn't...you wouldn't invest in the stock market?
Dick: No, I'll do like...I'd do Beatles stuff, probably!
Dick: Like, I'd be...I'd just show up like a couple minutes before John Lennon and say like, "Hey, what's up, guys? I'm your new...I'm your new guitar player."
Maddox: You would get kicked off, Dick.
Dick: No, 'cause I know all the songs! I know all the hits! I'm not a pain in the ass.
Maddox: Yeah, but they'd...they would change it.
Dick: And they'd be like, "Here's a little song. Here's a little ditty I wrote called 'Imagine.'" Chicks would love it.
Maddox: Yeah, they'd be like, "I don't know, I'm not...I'm not feelin' it." What if they said that?
Dick: And I'd say, like..."I'm not feelin' it?"
Maddox: Yeah. What if I go...what if you go back...? So in every era that you go back to, Dick, there's ME. Except I'm a different person. I'm in The Beatles! You go back tryin' to be in The Beatles? I'm there, right there!
Maddox: Stickin', uh, stickin' my finger in your eye...in your pudding.
Dick: I'd go over to The Beach Boys then. I know more bands than you.
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: You don't know a lot about bands.
Maddox: Yeah, I'm still there, though. I'd be there like, "I don't know! I don't know what I'm doin' here. I put the veto on whatever you wanted." (both laugh)
Dick: Alright, it's...again, another...another problem with this solution, goddammit.
Maddox: Yeah! Yeah. Okay, Dick, uh, what...what's a thing that...what is *one* thing you would change in history if you had a time machine that you...that would make the biggest positive impact in the world?
Dick: No, I would just use it to get, like, money for myself.
Maddox: Okay. (sighs loudly)
Dick: Like, popular...a positive impact?
Maddox: Yeah. (dryly)
Dick: On the world? Oh, GOD.
Maddox: Why don't you just rob a bank, Dick? That's feasible. That's at least something that people have done.
Dick: Like in the past?
Dick: Yeah. Um...I don't know, lemme...
Maddox: (talking over Dick) No, or in the future, yeah!
Dick: A positive...a positive impact for the whole world?
Dick: (inhales thoughtfully) Huh. Something that went wrong...
Maddox: So killing Hitler's one...people often point to killing Hitler. You know who you could probably kill and nobody would really notice, is Genghis Khan. Uh, that's...that's a big one. Because Genghis Khan -- you go back in the time... (stammers) ...in the era of Genghis Khan...
Maddox: ...people were dying from all sorts of things all the time. You could poison a baby; get in, get out, no problem. Put in some, uh, some...some formula, whatever? Feed it to Genghis Khan?
Dick: No, I know what I would do.
Dick: I would go back in time to when I thought of this solution and think of a better solution. (Maddox bursts out laughing) Alright. You wanna go?
Maddox: Okay, Dick. Let's get to a real solution this week.
Dick: Does that count as Dick VS. Dick? I got that square on here.
Maddox: That is a Dick VS....okay, here we go.
Dick: Is anyone close??
Maddox: I'm one away from winning! We just need a voicemail in a foreign accent, which I don't think we're gonna get since we've passed voicemail.
Maddox: You have any more voicemails?
Dick: Yeah, but now that I know you're close, I'm not gonna play it.
Maddox: I'm just kidding. I actually just need a zinger about Sean deleting the podcast.
Sean: Oh, fuck you. (Maddox and Dick laugh) I...
Maddox: There we go!
Dick: That's it!! Dammit! (giggling)
Sean: I can't believe "a story about Dick being really drunk" hasn't been said yet. Or a video game reference outta you, Maddox.
Maddox: Well, yeah, we'll see.
Sean: That's what I...
Maddox: We got a lot more show comin'! Anyway, guys, let's get to another big SOLUTION.
Maddox: The biggest solution in the universe, maybe, is abortion!! (Dick laughs; background laughter) Huh?? Yeah! (cocky) (clapping sound effect) THERE'S a fuckin' solution!
Dick: Yeah. (sarcastic)
Maddox: Abortion! Killing babies. Speaking of killing babies, I feel like we're just continuing the last segment!
Dick: Well, killing fetuses. (smiles)
Maddox: Killing fetuses, sure. U.S. abortion rates...so first of all, abortion rates are the lowest level since 1973.
Dick: I read that.
Dick: It's troubling.
Maddox: It IS troubling. (chuckling)
Dick: It's a troubling statistic.
Maddox: It is troubling. Why aren't people aborting more babies?
Dick: I dunno!
Maddox: You know what, Dick? Have you read the book "Freakonomics"?
Maddox: One of the opening chapters of that book talked about this effect that abortion has caused. So, they...they mentioned that since the '70s, crime has PLUMMETED in America. It's also plummeted in different countries, and no politicians have come out to take credit for this. The Left hasn't taken credit because they've been trying to pass gun control legislation so they could argue that, "Yeah, it's gun control! We passed this legislation and therefore crime has lowered."
Maddox: That's not happened. And the Right hasn't taken credit for this, 'cause they've done jack shit, essentially.
Maddox: So why has crime dropped? Well, these two...these two, uh, researchers: Steven Levitt of the University of Chicago and John Donohue of Yale University wrote a 2001 paper called "The Impact of Legalized Abortion on Crime," and they pointed to the fact that males age 18 to 24 are most likely to commit crimes! So they looked at the data and they found that crime started to decline in 1992, and they suggested that the absence of unwanted children, following the legalization of abortion, led to a reduction in crime 18 years later, starting around 1992 and dropping sharply in 1995. These would've been the peak crime-committing years of those unborn children who were aborted! Now, who are the type of people who abort children? Well, they're mostly single moms who get knocked up. They're people who are unwilling and unable to raise their kids. A lot of times they might be...they might be delinquents, or they just might not be in the right point of time in their life to have a child.
Dick: I assume that's true, but I don't know if it is.
Maddox: Well, I went to some -
Dick: (interjects) Quite honestly.
Maddox: I went to some anti-abortion website, which...I don't even wanna mention or link to, but they mentioned that. They did a bunch of research and they found that it's mostly single moms.
Maddox: Well, of course! Yeah, of course it's single moms!
Maddox: You're generally gonna abort a child because you can't raise it and you're not...you're unwilling to raise it. If you're unwilling to raise a child, guess what? If you're FORCED to, you're not going to necessarily be a good parent! You're gonna be a shitty parent, because you've probably made a bunch of bad decisions, and you've -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, statistically.
Maddox: And you've...like, say, unprotected sex, or whatever it was that caused you to have that. Right?
Maddox: So these are the...these are the parents who are aborting children, and studies in Canada and Australia claim to have established a correlation between legalized abortion and overall crime reduction.
Dick: Yeah.. Um, but you know what? We don't get good movies anymore! Like in...back when they thought super criminals were gonna be running rampant today?
Maddox: Yeah. Like RoboCop? (amused)
Dick: RoboCop, yeah! We can't have RoboCop anymore, 'cause all this abortion killed all these future criminals!
Maddox: Yeah, that's a bummer, man.
Dick: It's a bummer!
Maddox: It does...it does depress me that there aren't crime lords. (cracks up; background laughter)
Maddox: That there aren't more crime lords, Dick. (giggling)
Dick: Think about that! (smiles)
Maddox: That could be -
Dick: (interjects) Cram that up your solution. (wryly)
Maddox: See, why didn't you mention that as your time travel solution? Go back in time and make more crime -
Dick: (talking over Maddox) What, go back in time and unabort everybody? (amused)
Maddox: Just make sure that Roe versus Wade doesn't pass. Huh?? THAT could make more good movies in the future, Dick!
Dick: That's true.
Maddox: We'd have RoboCop 3 right now that wasn't total dog shit!
Maddox: And -
Dick: (interjects) No!! You thought that was dog shit?!?
Maddox: RoboCop 3?
Dick: No, the remake!
Maddox: The remake was total dog shit.
Dick: I'm...okay, I -- ohh, you're outta your mind!
Maddox: Oh, my GOSH. (exasperated)
Dick: That remake was great!!
Maddox: It was SO tame. You don't even like gore!
Dick: It was PG-13, though!
Maddox: Yeah. Oh, PG-13, sorry! I...
Dick: Yeah... (disdainful)
Maddox: ...I forgot, I'm a fucking adult!
Dick: No, I'm against the PG-13 movie, but...er, thing, but that RoboCop remake was very good.
Maddox: Very piece-of-shit.
Dick: I can't believe you think that! With all, like, the techno garbage that they had in it? Like the man-machine thing?
Maddox: (sound clip of Angelo's Mom yelling "How DARE you!") (sound clip of Angelo's Mom saying "You SUCK.") It's garbage.
Maddox: Yeah. (sound clip of Angelo's Mom saying "Crazy!") It was...the whole movie was just like a...watching a video game! Everyone was killed...was a ro-...was a robot, essentially!
Dick: Video game reference! That's a video game reference. You didn't like RoboCop fighting all those other robots, though? That was cool!
Maddox: That was a video ga-...it was boring, man! It... (stammers) He was just destroying a bunch of machines! Machines that you don't care about! In the original RoboCop, you saw someone get blasted and then fall out a window, you saw acid get poured on someone's face; it was gory, it was gritty, it was...disgusting, it was everything a RoboCop movie shoulda been! It really felt like Detroit TODAY.
Dick: Well, it was...it was the first RoboCop movie, so yeah. (grinning)
Maddox: Yeah! It was amazing!!
Maddox: So...and that was probably catching the abortion trend *just* at the right time. Right?
Maddox: Before it really had that huge impact?
Maddox: So crime was still high from the unaborted fetuses that were criminals.
Dick: Just like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, the first movie!
Dick: 'Lotta crime!
Maddox: Gritty movie!
Dick: Kids with no parents?
Maddox: Yeah! Now we're people who...now who are our...who are are superheroes even fighting? They have to fight supervillains! We have to INVENT criminals for them, because there aren't that many.
Dick: There are none.
Maddox: Okay, fine, Dick. (Dick laughs) That's....GREAT. Sorry your movies aren't as exciting for you. (sarcastic)
Maddox: But for the rest of the world, it's a good thing that abortion is happening! Also, it's...it's a form of population control which is, uh, keepin' our population in check. It's these kids...these people who are committing these crimes? Who are probably keepin' the population in check by homicide!
Maddox: Which would you rather have? Homicide in the womb or homicide outside, hm?
Dick: Or in the room. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Homicide in the womb or homicide in the room?? THAT'S what it is!
Dick: You gotta rhyme...rhyme slogans so they stick.
Dick: More people listen...think slogans are true if they rhyme.
Maddox: That's true!
Dick: Yeah. Um -
Maddox: (interjects) Like, uh, what's his name, Herman Cain's 999 plan? "Nine" does rhyme with "nine," Dick. (laughs)
Dick: Yeah, that...that guy was cool.
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: 'Lotta good ideas.
Maddox: Oh, yeah! Brilliant, that moron. (still laughing)
Dick: No, I...that's a good...that's a good solution. What do you think about abortion anyway? Murder? You wanna call that murder?
Maddox: (inhales thoughtfully) I'm -
Dick: (interjects) You wanna call it "killin'...killin' a person"? Would you go that far?
Maddox: No, of course not.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: My official stance on abortion is that I'm against it, but I am for killing babies.
Dick: Why are you...are you serious? I know that saying that you have.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Are you really against abortion?
Maddox: Uh...I mean, insofar as it's the woman's right, *I* want to have the right to say. But in a...you know, that's an ideal world, that I'm in control of all the abortions. I would have a button I could press, like, whoever was gonna get aborted. Right?
Dick: More jokes. Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: I'd have this... (cracks up; background laughter)
Dick: More jokes.
Maddox: I'd have this big, like, telecaster. You know, like uh...Sean, you know, with your audio engineer bullshit. With all the blinking lights, which nobody...I don't know. You can't possibly know what those fuckin' do. No one knows what they do! There's too many buttons.
Dick: They're sliders. (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah, they're sliders. Whatever! I would have a -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. They control the volume.
Maddox: Yeah, I'd have a giant switchboard like that.
Dick: And all...the ones above them have, like, the balance. (grinning) And they... (cracks up)
Maddox: Dick, don't show off! (background laughter) Is that a fuckin' humblebrag?! Fuck you!! Is that a story from Burning Man? I don't know. It might be.
Dick: No. (smiling)
Maddox: It COULD be. (laughs)
Dick: No, um...
Maddox: Anyway, yeah. I would abort...look, look, man. No. I'm all for abortion. Abortion's cool. Abortion's just cool. It's a cool thing!
Dick: Have you ever done...have you ever, uh, had to do the morning-after pill? That's a pretty good solution.
Maddox: I've had....I've never taken a morning-after pill, but uh -
Dick: (interjects) I take one after every time just to make sure. (Maddox chuckles) Like, just in case.
Maddox: It doesn't do anything to YOU! It's a hormonal thing for chicks, dude! What are you doin'?? That's what...what are you, growin' tits over there? What are you doin' takin' the after...morning-after pill? (cracking up)
Dick: Hm. It's just, like, a...like a sympathy thing.
Sean: I think that was a joke. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Fuck you, Sean!! I don't need your...your lip. Where was that? There's gotta be a "Sean" thing on here.
Maddox: Anyway, Dick. Uh, no, I've...yeah, a few of my dates have had to take morning-after pills. You know, I... (cracks up) It's a precaution! Sure, why not? Just take it. Just pop one anyway!! It's like a Tic-Tac, just take one!
Dick: I don't think it is. She didn't...uh, she didn't describe it like it was a Tic-Tac.
Maddox: Well, yeah, it flushes your system! It clears it of toxins, AKA your eggs in your ovaries!
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Right?? That's a good thing! (Dick laughs) Just flush that shit, man!
Dick: Gross! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, well, I don't...I don't know, man. What would you rather have, a couple of eggs come out, er, prematurely, or...an unwanted baby?
Dick: Just...just the one. (background laughter) Sorry, let me... (cracks up) Let me stop you right there!
Maddox: Is it just one??
Dick: Yeah, they're not chickens! (laughs)
Maddox: I don't know, man! (laughs)
Dick: Yeah, one o-...they have one egg a month! (grinning)
Dick: Yes! That's how... (Randy and Sean laugh in background) See, when a man loves a woman... (Maddox laughs) No! They have one egg that descends into, like, their womb that's ready to get impregnated.
Maddox: Is that...? But -
Dick: And then the egg makes down...
Maddox: - which side does it come from? Look, I don't know...
Dick: What SIDE?! What... (both crack up) What do you mean, the dark side or the light side??
Maddox: No! Isn't there, like, two sides where they make little eggs and spiders and shit? And all that...you know? (background laughter)
Dick: Yeah! (amused) (Maddox guffaws) The ovaries!
Dick: I dunno, maybe they have a zipper system! Like when you get on the freeway, where one...one month one comes out, and the next month the other one comes out. (smiling)
Maddox: Great. Whatever.
Dick: It's definitely one egg!
Maddox: It's just one? Okay, fine! Whatever. (Dick laughs hysterically) Who cares? A dozen? One?? If it's just one egg, how can they fuckin' bleed for four days?? (yelling)
Dick: I don't know!! (squeaking through giggles)
Maddox: It just should be, like, one fuckin'...BOOM! You know? Like a big turd! You just dump it out!! (cracking up) (Dick still laughing) Let's go! Back in the sack, let's do this. What's your problem? (grinning)
Dick: Did anyone win bingo?
Jessica: Bingo! (from background)
Dick: No way!!
Maddox: Oh, get outta here! (yelling)
Dick: No way!
Jessica: (from background) Well, is that last story a story about... [someone hands Jessica a mic] Is that last story a story about Dick hooking up with a girl?
Dick: I...I banged a girl before she had to get the...
Jessica: The morning-after pill?
Dick: ...uh, morning-after pill, yeah.
Jessica: Okay, yeah! I have it then. Yeah!
Dick: Read...read them.
Jessica: I have "voicemail in a foreign accent"...
Dick: Did we have that??
Maddox: No, we didn't have that!
Jessica: Yes, we DID!
Maddox: Cheater!! (yelling) (Jessica stammers in protest)
Dick: Which one?
Jessica: You marked it here! [to Sean]
Sean: That came from a voicemail. The uh, the...you know, the crazy lady? The mom?
Dick: YOU'RE RIGHT!!
Sean: "What are you, GAAAY?" (imitating Angelo's mom)
Dick: YOU'RE RIGHT!!!
Dick: OH my...GOD!! (screaming)
Dick: You are right! You are DEAD right.
Jessica: Can I continue, please? Okay, "a story about Dick hooking up with a girl," "Dick VS. Dick," "you can hear Sean laughing in the background," and "a nonchalant humblebrag."
Dick: Unbelievable! I woulda won. I woulda got -
Sean: (interjects) I don't remember Dick VS....oh, Dick VS. Dick was -
Dick: (interjects) Time traveling thing.
Maddox: Yeah, I woulda won too! I have it here!! (yelling)
Dick: I woulda won. (smiles)
Maddox: No! You pointed it out...I should win! I think I win!
Dick: No, she called "bingo"!
Maddox: No!! I think you guys should compliment me. (cracking up)
Jessica: The whole point of bingo is yelling "bingo"! (from background)
Maddox: Yeah, I'm editing these episodes, guys! Bingo! (laughs; Jessica laughs in background)
Dick: She said the whole point of bingo is yelling "bingo," which is...which is right, Maddox. (chuckling)
Maddox: It's fuckin' bullshit. (Dick laughs) GREAT.
Dick: You understand bingo about as much as you understand fallopian tubes. (grinning) (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Yeah!! (Dick giggles) I don't give a shit! I don't have one, I don't care! (shouting) You don't understand KNEES! I'm not bustin' YOUR balls about it!
Dick: I...I guess everyone's gotta give you a compliment then, darlin'! (laughs)
Maddox: Okay -- oh, great. Here we go! It's gonna get real CREEPY.
Dick: I'll start! I'll start.
Maddox: Great. (dryly)
Dick: You are the most beautiful guest we've ever had on this show. You've upped the classiness of...of this show, several...several magnitudes...several orders of magnitude. Your laughter is infectious...
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, my...SHUT UP!! (everyone bursts out laughing)
Dick: And...what is...what is your relationship with your father? (everyone else laughs)
Dick: I would like to... (breaks down laughing)
Maddox: Okay, move on! Randy? Sean, you wanna go next? (Dick still cackling) This fuckin' bullshit.
Sean: I'm so bad at compliments. (Dick laughs harder)
Maddox: Okay. You wanna leave it at that? Is that your compliment?
Dick: You want some tips? (smiling)
Sean: It probably is...best left that way.
Maddox: Okay, great. Randy? (Jessica laughs in background)
Dick: Very smart, also, for noticing the bingo.
Maddox: Great. (sarcastic) That was my...AWESOME.
Dick: (talking over Maddox) That's what you want: looks and brains. (smiles)
Maddox: Oh alright, Dick.
Dick: The perfect package, really. (Jessica laughs harder)
Maddox: Ugh. (Dick laughs) I'm ge-...like, I'm getting...I'm breaking out in sweat and hives right now. (Jessica still giggling) Okay. Randy? What...Randy's our other -
Dick: (interjects) If you think lesbians are sensual, you should see me. (laughs more)
Maddox: Oh my god, Dick.
Dick: Go ahead, Randy. Please. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. We see you, the Lesbian Whisperer. Who can't even tell his friend to just pipe down while you're hitting on this chick. Your 'Q' friend.
Dick: I was so...I was shocked by -- Randy!
Maddox: Yeah. (surly)
Randy: (into mic) You have excellent taste in comedy. (chuckles)
Jessica: Oh, thank you! (in background)
Maddox: Great! Heyyy! Oh, awesome, great! You guys took all my compliments. Great. (Dick, Jessica, and Randy laugh) Uh...
Dick: Alright, Maddox. What's your sincere compliment out of you? (grinning)
Sean: Don't get all gushy, now.
Maddox: Here's one: um, you're not totally shitty at bingo! There you go. (everyone laughs)
Dick: Well done.
Maddox: You're welcome! You're welcome. I meant that sincerely. Okay. Uh, do we have...is that it, Dick? Do you have any more solutions? You have any other, um...horseshit? (cracking up) You know what? We do have one last solution we wanted to bring in, Dick!
Dick: No, let's bring it in next time. I really wanna sit down with you and plan this out.
Dick: Do you wanna tease it?
Maddox: Alright. We will tease it, sure.
Dick: Porn savers?
Maddox: Porn savers.
Dick: Porn savers.
Maddox: We're gonna bring it in next time.
Dick: That's our product.
Maddox: Yeah...yeah. (cracks up) I think you guys'll really like that. (Dick laughs) This is a joint solution that Dick and I have been brainstorming.
Dick: Yeah! The first ever. (grinning)
Maddox: We sat...before the show even started, we brainstormed this for what, 15-20 minutes? Really our whole lives.
Dick: Yeah! It really was a culmination of a lot of things.
Dick: That came up organically.
Maddox: And...AND, it goes...it proves my point that the show's not a contest because if you vote for that, literally NEITHER of us could win 'cause it's a joint solution!
Dick: Yeah, but I came up with the name.
Maddox: Oh, fuck you!! (everyone else laughs)
Dick: Oho, "Fuck you Dick"! That's a...oh no, that's a voicemail. Alright!
Maddox: Alright. Well, my solutions this week, Dick, were Lesbians and Abortion.
Dick: And my solutions were Time Traveling and Encrypt-...ING Everything. (smiles)
Maddox: Yes, ENCRYPTING Everything, Dick. Gerunds...they're you're friends. Anyway guys, thanks again for supporting this show, supporting this podcast. It's really helping a lot. We got alotta cool shit comin' down the pipes. (cracks up) Uh, the live show will be out probably by the time you listen to -- no, it WON'T be. You'll...
Dick: No, it'll be after this.
Maddox: It'll still be about 5 days...yeah, after this. (chuckling)
Dick: Yeah. Thursday.
Maddox: Uh, but it's coming! Yeah. It's coming. We're still, uh, we're still editing those. It's really comin' along great!
Dick: Yeah! (heavy metal theme riff starts) And congratulations to our winner!
Dick: Oh, my GOODNESS. Let's go celebrate.
Maddox: Real good job. (teasing)
Dick: Just you and me. (suggestively)
Maddox: Okay. (background laughter) (yells) Fuckin'...DICK, I'M GONNA THROW MY FUCKIN' BEER AT YOU! (Dick giggles) Piece of SHIT! Biggest Solution in the Universe, guys. Thanks for listening.
(heavy metal theme riff)