Biggest Solution in the Universe - Episode 03

Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster

(Heavy metal theme riff)

Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Solution In The Universe! I'm Maddox. With me is Dick Masterson…

Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy?

Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. (grins)

Sean: Gentlemen.

Dick: Hey, Sean.

Maddox: Alright. This is our THIRD ever bonus episode. Thanks again for supporting the show, guys. We're really kickin' some ass here. And thanks for the people who are listening to us on Stitcher and iTunes. If you guys are subscribing, that really helps the show. It helps get the word out. Which is how we get heard. Word of mouth.

Dick: It's all a competition. This show is a competition…

Maddox: (interjects) No…(laughs) Dick…no, it's not.

Dick: Listeners to the show is a competition, and we want to beat everybody, so thank you for…

Maddox: (interjects) Okay, Dick. (Dick and Maddox laugh) Agenda! Always wedging it in. (Dick cracks up) Right at the top of the show! I'm in a good mood…good attitude, off to a great start. Ruined.

Dick: I'm already in a bad mood.

Maddox: Yeah? Why is that, Dick?

Dick: Because you have shenanigans planned for later.

Maddox: Ohhhh. Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: I'm already pissed off about them.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: (interjects) You want to tell everybody what you're planning to do today?

Maddox: Yeah. So what Dick is referring to is…we decided…look, Dick is a believer in "pay more, get more". (Dick snorts) Right? Simple concept, but it's false.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It's false.

Dick: Yes. I think that…you know, you pay 90% of the way to something and you get an okay product, and every little bit more that you chisel out for something, the product gets a little better in general.

Maddox: Eh. Yeah.

Dick: In the grand scheme of things, when you're paying more, in general, you get a better product.

Maddox: Yeah, you'd think that. You'd think that. Generally, you think that. But…it's a fallacy, 'cause they've tested consumers with water, bottled water that comes out of a tap and has spiders in it, and they think that it tastes better than actual clean water. They don't know. People don't know. They are susceptible. That's a cognitive bias. And we're going to test one of Dick's cognitive biases…

Dick: (interjects) Oh, this fucking guy.

Maddox: This episode. By tasting wine. We brought in some expensive wine and cheap wine, and at the end of this episode, we're gonna have Dick try them and see if he can find which wine is the most expensive one.

Dick: Yeah, I wish we would have recorded the fight…the fight over this test.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Because your first version of this test was total bullshit. This one is probably half bullshit…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But the first version, where you wanted to serve me wine straight out of the bottle into solo cups and shot glasses…

Maddox: Yeah, so what?

Dick: You got…you don't drink wine out of plastic cups.

Maddox: I do! (cracks up)

Dick: I think we're getting to the root of the problem.

Maddox: Dick! You think your senses are sooooo sensitive that you're gonna be able to taste a few molecules of plastic that might be floating around from a solo cup. It's insane! You're not a dog.

Dick: I…(laughs) I've been smelling solo cups for a long time.

Maddox: Ohoho, okay.

Dick: I know what solo cups smell like.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Of c-you need all the senses. I need all the senses I have to do this test. If I'm actually gonna tell you…like…(stammers) I assume I'm guessing the prices of the wine.

Maddox: Y…

Dick: Is that what you want me to do, or just rank them?

Maddox: No. Just rank them. I don't think you…that's an impossible test for you to do, Dick. If you just rank them, I'd be happy.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: If you're able to rank them from most expensive to least. Um…

Dick: I need to smell…like, I'm not gonna shoot it like a shooter over here, with a chaser.

Maddox: Yeah. No, no Dick. I know how important your…

Dick: (interjects) Like tequila.

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah. I know how important your sense of smell is, because apparently it's not powerful enough to detect all the bullshit you've been spewing.

Dick: (scoffs) Okay.

Maddox: Alright. Dick, last episode. The last bonus episode, we brought in some solutions, and here's what people thought was the biggest solution from last time.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: "Income-based Fines", baby! Yeah.

Dick: (sighs) Oh, man.

Maddox: Followed by "Malala Yousafzai". Huh? Hero.

Dick: I still don't understand what that was.

Maddox: Oh, I know, Dick. I know. I could spend hours explaining that to you and you still wouldn't understand. And then "Beer", and then "Ask for a Raise", (Dick guffaws) your stupid phrasing for that problem drives me nuts.

Dick: Wait, it drives somebody else nuts here. (grins) Uh, too.

Maddox: Yeah?

Dick: Here, I got a voice mail for you.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "This is a message for Dicksucker Masterson. (Maddox cracks up) Can I explain to you why you're a fucking idiot? Because Maddox dropped the ball on this one. (Dick: Yeah, you fucked up, too.)The word "solution" is a noun. Solutions are nouns. "Ask" is a verb. If you add "ing" to the end of a verb, that makes it into a gerund. ( Maddox: Gerund. Yep.) A noun. (Dick cracks up) The other solution you brought in last episode, "Beer", is a noun! The two solutions you brought in the first episode are also both nouns. (Maddox: Yeah.) In fact, every solution except for "Ask for a Raise" is a fucking noun, you anus. (Dick cracks up) ( Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.) Get your shit together.")

Maddox: Get your shit together, Dick.

Dick: (chuckles) I feel like I'm listening to, like, a really shitty version of Sesame Street.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: One of these things is not like the other, you dumb motherfucker!

Maddox: Dick, take a hint. They're talking to you like Sesame Street for a reason. (cracks up)

Dick: Is it a big deal?

Maddox: Yes, it's a big deal.

Dick: Does it really bug you?

Maddox: It bugs the shit out of me. 'Cause you've done this on another problem, too.

Dick: (interjects) Oh, guess what, then… (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: Which one? What did I do? What I do it on?

Maddox: Uh, I forget. It was something like…it was some…oh, "Everybody Needs to Lose 20 Pounds."

Dick: Yeah! That's a problem.

Maddox: That's not a…(stammers) Okay, Dick. (Dick cracks up) But you can phrase it in a way…uh…"Everybody is 20 pounds overweight". That's a way you can phrase it, because you're trying to fill in the blank. When we solve the…when we find the biggest problem or the biggest solution in the universe…

Dick: Uh-huh. (bored)

Maddox: We should be able to say to somebody at a party, say, "Hey, so what ever happened with that podcast of yours?"

Dick: Right.

Maddox: "Did you guys ever solve the biggest problem in the universe?"

Dick: Yeah, we figured it out.

Maddox: Yeah, we figured it out. The biggest problem in the universe is "Everybody Needs to Lose 20 Pounds." Is that the problem? No, that's phrased in a way of a solution, dickhead! It needs to fill in that blank. Everybody needs to ask for a raise, or "Asking for a Raise" is the biggest solution in the universe. That's the way you phrase it.

Dick: Okay. Sorry. (Maddox cracks up) I'll keep an eye on that next time. (Dick laughs) Okay, some more voice mails have thoughts on your income-based fines.

Maddox: Okay, great.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Hey, my name is Michael. I'm in Canada. Uh, Dick, you're gonna like this one. (Dick: Ooh.) Maddox, your solution is fucking stupid. (Maddox: Oh.) You can't change the price of fines for rich people in an effort to make it fair. (Maddox: Oh.) It won't…it'll just work in reverse. You'll have poor people who can't afford a 75$ parking ticket using their system to prove they can't afford it and not paying the bill… (Maddox: What?) and then fucking parking wherever the hell they want in front of their coffee shop. ( Maddox: Oh, yeah.) (Dick: There you go.) Like an asshole. (Maddox: Those asshole poor people running around. You know…) Fuck you, and PS: Dick, you're an idiot. (Maddox cracks up) ")

Dick: Ohhhhh!! I thought you said I would like this one!!

Maddox: Dick, I have…I have a segment. Speaking of income-based fines…

Dick: If it's another Dick Versus Dick segment, I'm gonna fucking kill you.

(Ritzy theme music starts, "DICK VERSUS DICK!")

Maddox: (laughing) It is a Dick Versus Dick segment.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Dick, uh, we haven't had one of these in a while. Uh…this is…

Dick: (interjects) YOU HAVE ONE EVERY EPISODE!! (yells)

Maddox: (laughing) No!

Dick: What the fuck are you talking about?! (yells)

Maddox: No. No. I didn't have one last episode. So, listen, Dick. This comes to us all the way back from Episode #26. I don't know if you remember saying this, but uh…listen to this…

Dick: Yes, I remember. (annoyed)

Maddox: Yeah. Here's what you said…

Dick: (interjects) I know what this is gonna be.

(Clip: Dick: "Um, the fine for not picking up dog shit is 250 bucks. Maddox: That's it? Dick: Which is like New York. All big cities, it's 250$. Maddox: Yeah. Dick: How is it that…how is it that small? Maddox: Doesn't hurt the rich. That's another poor people…Dick: There you go! So let's…what should we make it? Uh…1% of what you make in a year.")

Dick: Yeah. (annoyed)

Maddox: Oh.

(Clip continues: "If you make 50 grand a year, congratulations. That dog shit just cost you 500$.")

Maddox: Wowwwwwwwww. (Dick chuckles) And Dick, then in the last bonus episode. Here's what you said about income-based fines.

Dick: Yeah, I hate them.

(Clip: Dick: "I'm very uncomfortable with the idea of the government fining you based on how much money you make.")

Maddox: Oops!! (laughs) So…which is it, Dick?

Dick: Well, uh…one of those was said in anger.

Maddox: (laughing) Which one?

Dick: Because I'd just stepped in a bunch of dog shit.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah, I still feel uncomfortable with it.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: But I think…I think you were…I think you were trying to make a point that got lost in the discussion.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: The riveting discussion we had over income-based fines. Um…because you do wanna lessen the impact, the financial burden, of paying parking tickets for people who aren't making that much money.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: And you want to deter people from…rich people from just…

Dick: (interjects) Yeah, ehhhhh, yeah, see that's where you lose me. You lose me with the rich…and (stammers) you're gonna do it again. Right here. By saying that.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: But if we're just talking about people who aren't making that much money, yeah, I think it's…I think it's grossly unfair that they have to pay that much.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: I think they…I think, like, a 20$ ticket would do.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You know what I mean? And I think it's just a revenue-making, like, eff you for the city. Parking tickets.

Maddox: Well, it could be.

Dick: I don't think they're that important. And that's my problem with it. I don't want it to turn into this cash cow where they're just hitting everyone as hard as they can from the poor to the very rich, just 'cause they parked on the street. (annoyed)

Maddox: Yeah, no. I agree with that point. If they used the funds for something good. If they were able to manage that in a way that was not incompetent and susceptible to pork barrel spending, then yeah, I'd be on board with that too, Dick, but as it stands, I think it's a better solution than one size fits all, because you're REALLY hurting people at the lowest levels of income. It's just a poor tax. They're just…society is geared…is stacked against poor people. Every chance…every time you turn around, there's another fee, and it hits the poor people the hardest.

Dick: And there's so many of them. If only there was a way for all these people to…

Maddox: Mmkay.

Dick: …band together and make decisions that would benefit them. Isn't that weird?

Maddox: What are you…

Dick: Someone should invent that.

Maddox: Yeah, what are you getting at, Dick?

Dick: I don't know!

Maddox: Uh-huh. (skeptical)

Dick: I'm just asking questions. (grins)

Maddox: Mmmmmmmm. Okay. (skeptical) Alright, Dick. Uh, interesting. I have…I have a…this isn't a voice mail, it's a video that someone made. And he sent this in to us.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: It's by Ryan Pollard. And it's called "The Biggest (annoyed grunt) in the Universe". Uh, listen to this. I think you'll like it.

(Clip: (Dick and Maddox clips cobbled together to sound like a conversation): Dick: "I wanna see a big dick in my mouth. I go to sleep listening to Maddox jerking off! I'm gonna suck Maddox's dick. (boner BOING sound effect) (Dick and Maddox crack up) Maddox: "Yeah. Suck it alllllllll the way down your throat. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. (Dick: When did you say that?!?!) Maddox: "Dick. Uh. Uh. Uh. Uh. Coming. Coming. Coming. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!" (Dick and Maddox crack up laughing) Dick: "Alright, my turn?" Maddox: "Yep." Dick: "Well, I think herpes is a bigger problem, if we're gonna chew out your asshole." Maddox: "No!" (more background laughter) Dick: "You get off shitting on me?" Maddox: "Yeah! All the time." Dick: "Alright, take your pants off." Maddox: "Uh, are you kidding me? You smell like dog poop." Dick: "Goddamn it, I really love you, Maddox." (They both crack up again) Maddox: "I love you, Dick." Dick: "Are you proposing to me?" Maddox: "Yes." )

(Maddox still laughing)

Dick: Who did that?

Maddox: Uh, that was Ryan Pollard, made that.

Dick: Oh, fuck you, Ryan.

Maddox: Yeah. (grins) (giggles) Alright, I guess he interpreted our show a little bit differently than everyone else.

Dick: I guess so. Um, let's see. I got some more comments here. Mike Gainsboro…this is about my "Ask for a Raise" problem. "Dick, in what world do you live in where asking for a raise is a good idea for a good chunk of people? It sure as hell isn't Earth. Most places do yearly performance reviews that determine a raise and if you're good, how much. If your company doesn't do that, or you do something outside, then it's pretty justified." Um, yeah. I was flummoxed that that problem got so trounced in the comments. "Ask for a Raise". Er, that solution, sorry.

Maddox: Flummoxed. Why is that, Dick?

Dick: Well, it's…it seemed harmless at worst, "Ask for a Raise". But it seemed to really piss people off. Did you get that at all? You seemed pissed off that I brought it in. Were you?

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, well, because you touted it as some big solution, yet there was a guy on Twitter who commented at you, Dick, and he said that he asked for a raise and he got fired. (trying not to laugh)

Dick: Yeah, it was…it was Twitter username "calldacopsidgaf" (Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: Is that his real Twitter?

Dick: That's..yeah. I brought in his quote.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah. "calldacopsidgaf".

Maddox: Hey. I don't blame him, man. Maybe he gave up because he got fired from his job for asking for a raise, and that's how he feels about society now.

Dick: Well, he said he did that. He was managing a Quick Lube joint, and they said "Hit the road", and he was like, "WTF?". Uh, but he said he got over it with a beer. His solution was beer. (Maddox laughs) That was my solution, too.

Maddox: Alright, Dick.

Dick: And he said once he finished his education, he didn't need to worry about Quick Lube jobs anymore.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So.

Maddox: Well, I'll tell you this about asking for a raise as a solution. Not "ask for a raise", asking for a raise as a solution.

Dick: Kay.

Maddox: Some of the wage discrepancy in the male versus female…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Can be eliminated if more women ask for raises. That's uh…that's not disputable. Um, so that's a potential solution to something. But it's…that wage discrepancy is less than 7% when you account for hours worked and type of job that you work, and experience.

Dick: Mmm, you hit my number quota, like, two numbers ago.

Maddox: Oh boy. Yeah.

Dick: You hit the stats quota for me.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I hear what you're saying, though.

Maddox: Yeah, I…

Dick: (interjects) Because that…we both have a problem with that stat that women make more money than men is not true when you account for all these other factors, and one of them very well might be that they don't ask for a raise as often.

Maddox: Yeah, it is.

Dick: That was the stats I brought in.

Maddox: Right, yeah. That's actually in several women's wage studies. That I read. They mention that if they asked for a raise, that would help eliminate some of that wage gap.

Dick: So, do it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's what you're saying.

Maddox: I guess. (scoffs) But, apparently people thought it was less of a solution than just "Beer". Which, your poor…

Dick: (laughing) Well, I agree.

Maddox: Which, your poor bozo who listened to your advice got fired from his lube job.

Dick: Uh… Mike Hurley: "Dick, you're a fucking idiot. Income-based fines is a fucking fantastic idea and you seriously always just have to be contrarian all the fucking time. Shut the fuck up. Although, beer is great." (Maddox laughs) John Wyatt: "Dick, problems must be in the form of a noun or present participle." (Maddox cracks up) I guess I'll work on that, guys. Last one, Alfred Hunt says, "Technically speaking, alcohol came before meat, Maddox." You remember saying that meat came before…

Maddox: Y---that's not…that's demonstrably not true.

Dick: No, no, no. "Considering that it can be found in gas clouds in space…ethanol.."

Maddox: (interjects) Ugh. Fucking idiot..

Dick: There's, like, enough ethanol for the whole human race, like, four light years from here. What do you think of that?

Maddox: Oh, great. Just that, that's it? Four light years, we gotta travel for…(stammers) Imagine all the fuel we gotta spend to get to these nebulas, moron!

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: And what are we gonna do when you get there, just pull out a big straw from your spaceship and just suck up all the nebulas and just drink and get drunk, you jackas…probably.

Dick: I guess we'll see.

Maddox: (laughing) Dick! You're gonna make the worst kind of astronaut! (Dick cracks up) You're gonna be drunk in space, crashing into planets and asteroids.

Dick: Hey, you gotta take risks.

Maddox: Yeah. (laughs) What does that have to do with anything.

Dick: I've seen Star Trek.

Maddox: Oh, geez. Alright, Dick. Should we…

Dick: (interjects) I got one more voice mail. This one's…this one was my favorite.

(Voice mail: (male voice): "Yeah. Guess what? So, uh, Con Air is a pretty good movie, so, uh, fuck you, Maddox.")

Maddox: Oh, shit. (laughs)

Dick: That's it.

Maddox: That's the entire voice mail? (laughing) That's his whole argument?

Dick: Yeah. (cracking up)

Maddox: Okay. Thanks for registering that complaint, guy.

Dick: Yep!

Maddox: Good job.

Dick: Alright. You ready to move on to our solutions this week?

Maddox: Yeah. What are the solutions, Dick? What's your…what's your…

Dick: (interjects) Want me to go first?

Maddox: Yeah, go ahead. What's your solution?

Dick: I brought in a good one.

Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)

Dick: "Genetic Engineering".

Maddox: Oh. Genetic engineering. Okay. Why is that a solution?

Dick: Well, imagine…anything you want that's wrong. Right? (Maddox giggles) With your body.

Maddox: Alright. (giggles)

Dick: Or with organisms. Or whatever.

Maddox: Done. (laughs)

Dick: You can fix it. With genetic engineering. I was watching this documentary. You know how documentaries…like, any series of documentaries, always has one interesting thing in it? They'll have like, six or ten episodes, or whatever? They'll have one interesting thing to talk about.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And the entire rest of the series is, like, regurgitated garbage that you've seen before.

Maddox: Usually, yeah.

Dick: Yeah. So I was watching one called, like, "The Fish in Us". Or "The Fish in Humans", or something like that.

Maddox: Ew. That sounds, uhh…(creeped out)

Dick: Well, yeah. It was talking about, like, prehistoric leftovers in human beings.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Like, things from our prehistoric days that are still left in our genome.

Maddox: Okay. Good. That's not at all like the Japanese eel fetish, or anything like that.

Dick: No, I don't watch stuff like that.

Maddox: Yeah, me neither.

Dick: I only watch high-brow…(Maddox laughs) …educational stuff.

Maddox: Educational porn? (grins)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: On the Discovery Channel. So…they went over this thing called the Sonic Hedgehog Protein.

Maddox: Oh, yeah! This was named just a couple years ago, right? They found…what's the protein? Refresh my memory.

Dick: It's a thing where in the embryonic stage, okay? You got your embryo. Do you know…I don't know if you know how babies work.

Maddox: No. (laughs)

Dick: But…when a man loves a woman…no, you got…in your embryo, there is a…there's a protein, that if they move it around, uh, as the fetus develops, or if they clone it, if they make another one and put it anywhere, like, on the hand.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It will turn into more fingers.

Maddox: Oh, really?

Dick: Yeah. So you could make, like, a six-fingered chick.

Maddox: Is that specifically this…this, uh…what was it, a gene, or a protein that they discovered?

Dick: Yeah, I think so.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Yeah. You gotta look it up. Obviously.

Maddox: Well, I guess. (laughs)

Dick: Someone in the comments will find it. But that was the point that the documentary was making.

Maddox: Sure. Okay.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: That's interesting.

Dick: So, what's your first thought?

Maddox: More penises.

Dick: Two dicks. (Maddox cracks up) Exactly. (Dick laughs) Exactly!

Maddox: Immediately. I want as many penises as possible!

Dick: What is a bigger solution than that? What are we trying to do here with our spaceships, and our nuclear powers…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And our…what was your solution last time?

Maddox: Malala Yousafzai. (laughs)

Dick: Malala Yousafzai. (cracks up) All this education, we're just trying to look like we have two dicks.

Maddox: Yeah, that's true.

Dick: True or false?

Maddox: I guess we all are, Dick.

Dick: (laughs) That's true!

Maddox: Yeah. There's…and I was just talking to someone recently about this, too. You know there was that guy who has been documented. I think Vice did an article about him. But he has two, working, normal-looking, functioning penises.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That can both ejaculate.

Dick: Have you read his Reddit?

Maddox: I…I read a little bit of it. He's not a good writer.

Dick: And he gets weird.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: His lifestyle gets really weird.

Maddox: Yeah, really weird. He's, like, um…

Dick: He's been dating a couple.

Maddox: Yeah, he's dating a couple and uh…he's in some weird poly…pansexual…I don't know what…all the fucking prefixes are anymore, guys!! (yells) Just…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: It used to be just gay and straight!! (Dick laughs) Can't you just, like, fucking stick with one? Huh? Please?! Just make it simple on us? Fucking Facebook genders, types, are out of control!

Dick: Now we got two dicks!!!!!! (Maddox cracks up) Wow, maybe this is a bigger problem than I thought. Having all these extra dicks.

Maddox: (laughs) Maybe he has one gay dick and one straight dick. Who knows?

Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah! That's what…(stammers) He alluded to something like that. With the couple that he was dating.

Maddox: Yeah. That's weird.

Dick: Like, because one doesn't work as…what's up, Sean?

Sean: No, I have to know…two sets of nuts, or one?

Maddox: I think it's one.

Dick: One set. I thought you were gonna say you have two dicks. (Maddox laughs)

Sean: No.

Maddox: Not counting the ones in this room. (giggles)

Dick: One set of testicles.

Maddox: One set of testicles. Which seems like kind of a waste, because then you're gonna blow your load twice as fast, I guess. Right? If it's coming out of the same reservoir, right?

Dick: Oh, that's interesting. Well, twice as fast because there's twice as much stimulation? Or you have half a tank, so to speak.

Maddox: Half a tank, yeah. Because it's like two straws in one milkshake.

Dick: You're right.

Maddox: Yeah. You're getting that cream out a little faster! (cracks up)

Dick: Yeah. You're…someone's drinking your milkshake. That's…yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think you're right.

Maddox: That's two times.

Dick: I know that one of 'em didn't function as well as the other one, though.

Maddox: Oh, really?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I'm tired of talking about this guy's penis, man.

Dick: Me too. I brought in a good problem, and it turned into gross stuff really quickly.

Maddox: Yeah. Real quick.

Dick: Um, so it has medical uses. Genetic engineering. Large-scale production of insulin for the treatment of diabetes.

Maddox: It's great!

Dick: Everyone's getting fat as shit.

Maddox: They are. (giggles)

Dick: We need that insulin, man.

Maddox: Yeah. Everybody needs to lose 20 pounds is the biggest problem in the universe.

Dick: Yeah. Immune system deficiencies. You can fix it. In the embryonic stage, with genetic engineering.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Interferon. Growth hormones. Um…

Maddox: What are those…what are those doing?

Dick: Growth hormones to protec…to heal bone fractures in dwarfism.

Maddox: Oh, cool. Yeah.

Dick: Well actually, that might be a negative. Fixing dwarfism?

Maddox: (scoffs) You don't wanna heal dwarfism? You don't wanna cure dwarf…well, so, I believe that a lot of dwarves would probably not consider what they have as an ailment or a deficiency, because there's also this movement, and this is really weird, 'cause I think genetic engineering can also solve this problem…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which is deafness. And there's a movement in the deaf community where a lot of deaf people reject treatments that help them hear, like cochlear implants and things like that, because they don't view deafness as a defect.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Um, so…that's…that's potentially something that they could cure, I think even today, that a lot of people are rejecting.

Dick: Yeah, I saw a House episode about that.

Maddox: Yeah, um…

Dick: House ended up bullying them into it.

Maddox: Into getting the implant?

Dick: Into getting the implant.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: There was an article that went around awhile back. You know those videos that get posted every couple of months of somebody who gets this cochlear implant and they're hearing for the first time, and they cry…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And it's this, you know, tearful thing. Um, there was an article written by this angry, I think it was a deaf activist. Like, one of these people who said, "Don't spread that video around. Don't pass it around, because…"

Dick: (interjects) I mean, you should be reading this in his voice, probably. (Maddox cracks up) Deaf activist…(deaf voice) "don't pass the video around"

Maddox: Oh, dude. No….(laughs) (Dick cracks up) What an asshole.

Dick: What?! Why? That's how he talked, probably.

Maddox: Okay, yeah. Probably, Dick.

Dick: What's wrong with that?

Maddox: You're mocking him, dickhead.

Dick: People make fun of how I talk every fuckin' day!! (yells)

Maddox: That's true. (Dick laughs) That's true, guys! You can't come down on us!

Dick: (laughing) Yeah.

Maddox: Poor Dick. He's the victim. (Maddox and Dick crack up)

Dick: Yeah!! I'm the victim of cyber bullying, over here! That means I can say whatever I want!

Maddox: There's no amount of genetic engineering that can fix the way you talk, Dick. (Dick cracks up laughing) This is it. This is as good as it gets, man. They tried. Science is putting their best minds at the task.

Dick: So, you were saying.

Maddox: Yeah, so this guy wrote this article. (Dick guffaws) saying, "Don't spread this video around.", but his reasoning was really flimsy. It just sounded like he was one of these guys who hate people who get cochlear implants.

Dick: Oh, that's unfortunate.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I think that, like, that's the impression that I get looking at this genetic engineering stuff. When I was looking it up for the show…

Maddox: Right.

Dick: It seems like…it seems like every interesting article about it also has an apology at the end.

Maddox: Genetic engineering?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So the reason I mentioned that, Dick, the deaf activists?

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Is because it seems like the biggest obstacle towards this solution coming to fruition is people and society not accepting it. Like, for example, uh…I don't know, conservative people who are opposed to stem cell research.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So how do you…how do you solve that problem?

Dick: (sighs, exhales loudly) I don't know. Um, I..I honestly don't. Like, people who just don't want to play God?

Maddox: Yeah. That's…

Dick: (interjects) I'm blaming priests again. I guess. I-I-(stammers) I don't know. I don't know how to do it. No amount of marketing seems like it could fix it.

Maddox: You know what, though? It…Dick, it's not the people who are saying "Don't play God"…I mean some of 'em, for sure, but the majority of it comes from the anti-abortion crowd, the anti-abortion activists who think that somehow, doing genetic research on stem cells and using stem cells to cure people is tantamount to abortion. They think that it's a slippery slope that leads us to abortion.

Dick: Yeah. You know, the only thing I know about this…so, I read George W. Bush's memoir.

Maddox: Okay. Of course you did, Dick!

Dick: Decision Points. You know…you remember the…you know the memoir I'm talking about, right?

(Clip: Booooooooooo!!!)

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) Yeah. Well, what were some of his decision points, Dick?

Dick: I picked it up in an airport in Vegas.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: As I was coming home. I was reading it on the plane and this stewardess came up to me and was like, "Hey, we're trying…the stewardesses and I are trying to figure out, like, where you're from, that you would be so brazenly reading George W. Bush's book."

Maddox: Yeah. Who the fuck are you?

Dick: In an airplane. I'm like, "This was the president." (Maddox laughs) These were his thoughts while he was running this country for eight years. This is…I'm the bad…I'm a pariah, 'cause I'm interested in what this guy thought about it? Like, and how he wants his…whatever.

Maddox: I mean, unequivocally, "Yes" is the answer.

Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) Yeah. It was like…it was a scandal on the plane that I was just reading this book. Uh, anyway. He's got this chapter on stem cell research, and dammit if he didn't make a cohesive case on why it was immoral for him. Do you understand what I'm saying? Like, not in general, but like, why he didn't promote stem cell research. And I hate it. Because I want there to be stem cell research all day, every day. But his point was simply that the embryos they were going to research on were viable to bring uh…to life. Like, were viable as fetuses if they were to…I don't remember, it was, like, "snowflake babies". It was called something like that?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Where they were in some kind of, like, suspended state, but they COULD be turned into fetuses?

Maddox: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Dick: And, like, that was even too much like abortion for him.

Maddox: Right. But they were never intended to be turned into actual living beings.

Dick: Correct. Correct.

Maddox: And also, Dick, there's a difference between being a person who morally objects to stem cell research based on your personal beliefs, and also then using your personal beliefs to influence national policy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And that's what George W. Bush did, and that's what makes him a shitty president. He used his own personal biases, his own personal beliefs, to legislate…that could affect…(yells) I mean, there's so much shitty diseases and ailments that we could cure with stem cell research and genetic engineering that we're not because of zealots like this guy!

Dick: I absolutely agree with you. The only issue I take with it is that it's not this guy, it's most people. I think most people are against it. That's why I found the apologies on all these articles that I was looking at so alarming.

Maddox: Like what? Do you have any examples?

Dick: No, I didn't print them out, 'cause they were offensive, like, I just printed out the data, but it was…everything always ended with, "And by the way, there's a controversy about these risks and the cloning, and bla bla bla bla bla." Some of them even said there's gonna be, like, a cloning gap, like an engineering gap between us and China.

Maddox: There is! That's exactly what I was about to say. In China, where you don't have these moral qualms…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: That come from, I believe it's puritanical beliefs.

Dick: Yeah, it's gotta be.

Maddox: Look, you can be anti-abortion and then still for stem cell research. I mean, you shouldn't be. I'm…I'm…well, I am against abortion, but I am for killing babies. That's a stance I've had for a long time.

Dick: Yeah. No, I know.

Maddox: Yeah. I want there to be dead babies, but I don't want anyone to choose but me. Um, but that's neither here nor now. (Dick laughs) Uh…but, anyway, man. Yeah.

Dick: (laughing) In what situation is that appropriate? (Sean and Dick laugh)

Maddox: Um, I can't even imagine right now.

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: So, yeah. There will be this genetic gap between us and China. China is already experimenting on chimeras. They're experimenting on human cloning.

Dick: Ooh. Three tits?

Maddox: No. (laughs)

Dick: How many dicks do they have in China? There's gonna be a dick gap.

Maddox: Yeah. There's a dick gap. Ew. What if they…what if they accidentally engineered just a really gappy dick?

Dick: Oh, alright. (disgusted)

Maddox: Just, like, this big ol mudflaps on that thing…(laughs)

Dick: I think that's called a vagina.

Maddox: Yeah! What if they make a…

Dick: They already did that.

Maddox: Yeah. That's pretty gross.

Dick: "Gene therapy can treat condition ranging from AIDS to cystic fibrosis, and high cholesterol."

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: They threw that one in there, I don't know why. (laughs) "And a variety of cancers."

Maddox: I bet a fat guy wrote that article. (Dick and Maddox laugh) Right?

Dick: Yeah. (grins) Crops. They can make crops that are resistant to pesticides, uh, pathogens…

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Fast…they grow faster. They delay ripening, so we get some ripe fruits.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: In the store.

Maddox: You know, Dick, there is this anti-GMO movement now. GMO stands for Genetically Modified Or…Organisms?

Dick: Orgasms.

Maddox: Org…(laughs) They're not orgasms Dick. (laughing) Uh, genetically modified organisms, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So that's…there's this movement that's against that. Actually, I was gonna bring GMOs in as a solution potentially on another episode. But, it's a different…it's a slightly different solution.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: GMOs…yeah. So, people are opposed to these things without quite understanding what the ramifications are, because essentially, genetic modification occurs all the time in nature.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Genes mutate on their own through natural selection and just natural processes and sometimes through mutations through radiation, and who knows. There's a lot of processes that cause genetic mutations.

Dick: Wear and tear. Just like regular genes.

Maddox: Sure. Sure, actually, yeah. The longer you…the older you grow, sometimes your DNA gets…

Dick: (interjects) The more comfortable they are.

Maddox: (laughs) Dick. They're not, like…they don't get into a nice warm set of pajamas.

Dick: No? (grins)

Maddox: In your bo….(cracks up)

Dick: Says you. Need some stats to back that up. (grins)

Maddox: Hey-okay. Alright. (Dick laughs) Stat…I have to find evidence that genes don't get into pajamas?! (Dick cracks up) Anyway, Dick. Uh, yeah, so. So, genes mutate all the time on their own. And the problem that people have with it is that they don't trust humanity to do those mutations ourselves.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: We're doing controlled mutations. You know what gene modification is tantamount to? Is controlled fires in nature. Because we sometimes go through nature and we look at forests and see that, "Okay, this forest is ripe for a fire and if we don't control it ourselves, it's gonna go out of control when it does burn. When the lightning does strike."

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, lightning striking is similar to gene mutation. It just happens, and you can't control it. These people are opposed to human-controlled gene mutation.

Dick: Yeah. It's a good point.

Maddox: Well, alright.

Dick: Yeah. It's my solution and you're arguing for me, so.

Maddox: I know, Dick! That's 'cause I can see a good solution when I hear it.

Dick: How about genetically engineering E. Coli to enhance biofuel production so we're not dependent on retarded windmills and solar panels? I added that last part.

Maddox: Yeah, you added the word "retarded" in….(cracks up)

Dick: The whole…the whole conclusion, I added. (Maddox laughing)

Maddox: Sure. Of course. (laughs)

Dick: Yeah. How about pets? They can make glow-in-the-dark fish now with genetic engineering.

Maddox: That's super cool.

Dick: That's pretty cool.

Maddox: Yeah. That's…they should make glow-in-the-dark everything.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I can't think of a single animal that wouldn't look or function better as glow in the dark.

Dick: No, you gotta go to the…okay. There's a site called

Maddox: Mhmm. Yeah.

Dick: It's, like, for custom, genetically engineered mice. They genetically engineer mice for laboratory tests.

Maddox: What do they do that for?

Dick: I don't know. It's…I started reading it, but it was just all gobbledygook.

Maddox: Well, I…okay. So, you could genetically engineer mice to have a certain gene that you're trying to cure. Say, for example…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't know. Albino…I think albino is kind of a defect, right? I mean, you don't want to be albino. You'll just burn up all the time.

Dick: I think they're more specific than that. They don't just make, like, funny mice.

Maddox: Nope! Albino. (laughs)

Dick: But the site…the website looks like something out of, like, 1996.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, this is, like, a big genetic…

Maddox: (interjects) Hey! Let's not knock websites that look like they came out of 1996!! (Dick cracks up laughing) (Maddox giggles)

Dick: And then, uh…here's one from the…from genetically engineered salmon. Uh, they got a…they got a fish that grows to full size in 18 months rather than 36 months. I clicked on their site, too. And they have a "myths debunking" page…right? On their website.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: 'Cause they don't want people worried about genetic engineering, getting pissed off.

Maddox: Sure. I'm sure the anti-vaxxer crowd is gonna be reading that page.

Dick: Well. If they do read it, I don't think this is gonna assuage their concerns. Is that how you say that? Assage? Assuage their concerns?

Maddox: Yeah. That's good. (mumbles)

Dick: Uh, myth! This is from the Aqua Advantage salmon page. "If released accidentally, Aqua Advantage salmon could severely endanger national fish populations." Right? That's the myth they're addressing. "Answer: Aqua Advantage salmon are all female." (Maddox laughs) Yeah. Does this sound familiar already?

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs)

Dick: "All female, sterile Atlantic salmon, which will be reared in a physically contained, land-based system. Our facility in Panama has additional thermal and physical barriers, which render the possibility of survival outside the facility virtually impossible." That's the plot to Jurassic Park. (Maddox laughs) That's what they've…someone unironically put the plot to Jurassic Park on why you shouldn't be worried about these salmon taking over.

Maddox: So…is that just plagiarism, then? On the website? (scoffs)

Dick: I don't know.

Maddox: No, that's pretty cool, man. They're makin', like, super salmon. I'm all for it, man. We're making…look. It's survival of the fittest, right? Guess what, nature? Man created a better version of you and we're conquering!

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: We're winning this war!

Dick: I got one last point. Life extension.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Genetic engineering.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: You…you want to get off the planet. Right?

Maddox: Can't wait.

Dick: That's your thing. I think.

Maddox: Fucking can't wait to get off this planet.

Dick: Is that your…would you say that's your biggest goal, like, as…for the species?

Maddox: It is OUR biggest goal, yeah. We have to get off this planet.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: That is…eventually, that is going to be the biggest solution in the universe, I think, is to get off this planet.

Dick: For you, that is. My biggest solution…

Maddox: Okay. (scoffs)

Dick: Like, my biggest desire…and I'm being dead serious. Living forever.

Maddox: Yeah, okay.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Life extension.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: 'Cause there's no reason these shitty corpses have to rot away and start, like, you're losing muscle mass and your memory turns to shit.

Maddox: Yeah, yeah. That's…there are a lot of theories, actually. A lot of contemporary theories. There are a lot of them that talk about how it's actually within a shot of our lifetime.

Dick: Yeah. And these guys…the Google guys and Larry Ellison. All these rich guys? All these rich billionaires, surprise, surprise, are starting these genetic engineering life extension projects.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: To do exactly what I'm talking about.

Maddox: Pretty cool.

Dick: But I think that'd be pretty cool.

Maddox: You know what, Dick, though. It doesn't matter how long you live. It doesn't matter how much cancer they cure. It doesn't matter how much heart disease they solve…you're still stuck on Earth, and Earth is doomed. You gotta get off this planet, baby! That's the biggest solution.

Dick: Hey, man. If I have two dicks and I have to sit on Earth, I'll be fine with that. (laughs)

Maddox: (laughing) Great, Dick. Alright. Can we get…

Dick: (interjects) Is that enough? (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Let's…

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Let's move on to uh…to my next problem. And don't forget, we have the wine test coming up. All the wine's ready to go. Get your palate ready. Cleanse it of all the bullshit. With this REAL solution. "Rude People".

Dick: (laughs) Okay.

Maddox: "Rude People" is the biggest solution in the universe.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: 'Kay, um, and in parentheses, I put in, "Me". (Sean laughs) Because I'm a rude person.

Dick: No shit. (Maddox laughs) I'm gonna write…you keep talkin', I'm gonna write down all the rude things you've ever done.

Maddox: (laughs) Okay. Well, Dick, we only have an hour. Um, here are some social norms that are considered rude and why each one is a rule that I break. Okay? The first one is "being the first to eat something at dinner". Right?

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: That's…that's a social norm, if you sit down at a restaurant? Every time I go out to eat, it becomes a Mexican standoff. Where everyone is sitting there, staring at their delicious food? But everyone's too afraid to make the first move by eating. (Dick chuckles) Look, man! Sometimes people order stuff that takes longer to arrive. Why should everyone suffer because you decided to order some bullshit-ass lasagna that takes 20 minutes to bake? Huh? Why are you being such a pain in the ass about it? And where does it end?! You know, if we're sitting down at these restaurants, there are people all around you in the restaurant eating, do you expect them to all stop eating when you come in and wait for your food to arrive?! No, of course not! So why is it fair for you to expect the people at your table to just do that because you don't have food yet?! (angry) Yeah, it sucks, but tough shit! People are eating food all around you. All the time! If you don't like it, stay home and eat by yourself, where the only person who has to wait on you, is you, you miserable fuck! Don't make me wait just because you don't know how to order properly.

Dick: (laughing) Is this directed at someone, specifically?

Maddox: Do you feel like I was directing it at you, Dick? (laughs)

Dick: (cracks up) No, me? No. Oh, no.

Maddox: It definitely was directed at someone.

Dick: At me?

Maddox: No, not you.

Dick: Oh, thank God. Because I was…

Maddox: (interjects) You're…

Dick: (interjects) I was…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, my first thought was, I don't think people who don't get their food on time…I think they feel worse making you wait. You're doing them a service by just eating. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like if you don't have your food, I'm like "Ah, I feel horrible. These people have this hot food." Just go…and you always gotta say it three times. Like you're…like you have a magical genie.

Maddox: Yeah. "Oh, no please, go ahead and eat! It's not a big deal." Just fucking eat! It doesn't bother me!!!

Dick: However. It seems like this is directed at someone specifically.

Maddox: Yeahhhh. Okay. So, I went to an Italian restaurant awhile back.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And there was this big group of chicks sitting at a table. And one of 'em wanted to order fuckin' lasagna, and it says on the menu, "Give us 20 minutes preparation time for the lasagna".

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Meanwhile, these girls are so obnoxious. They're sitting there taking selfies, but they have a selfie stick. (Dick cracks up) Have you seen these things?!

Dick: Yeah. (laughing)

Maddox: It's a new fucking thing that people carry around with them! It's a little telescope that they screw into their phones, and they take photos of themselves with it.

Dick: Yeah. They're awful.

Maddox: You know what? It's an invention that was invented…that was created specifically so people don't have to go through the inconvenience of asking a waiter to take a photo of them.

Dick: Well, that's a good solution, then.

Maddox: No!!!! (annoyed) Come on!

Dick: They're not conveniencing other people?

Maddox: Oh, Jesus, dude! Ask anyone! Who gives a shit? They're just too shy. Shy people. That's the biggest problem in the universe! Go vote it up!

Dick: No, no. I hate it. I hate that it exists. That selfies are that important that people need to carry around a stick for it, but…

Maddox: (interjects) A selfie stick. (mad)

Dick: But asking waiters, man. That's…that's costing waiters time. That could…they could be getting me a drink in that time.

Maddox: Eh, waiters are always standing around, man. You…look at a…(stammers) Look, unless it's like, a super duper busy restaurant, and even then, you can ask someone sitting at a table next to you. Who gives a shit? You don't need to bring a selfie stick!

Dick: That's true.

Maddox: Fuck off with your stick! Shove it up your ass. (Sean laughs) Yeah, anyway, dude, I'm the guy…

Dick: (interjects) Wait, who is it…it's directed at these ladies?

Maddox: Uh, these ladies. And yeah, I've had friends, too. Who just…we go to restaurants, and they order some fucking bullshit-ass steak, or pork, or some fucking thing on the menu that says, "give two days' preparation!" and then they'll talk to the waiter, "Is there anything you can do? I really want this! Beh beh beh beh!" (silly voice) (Dick laughs)

Dick: Can you cook it faster?

Maddox: Yeah, cook it…no, idiot!

Dick: Take it under the ocean so it cooks extremely fast.

Maddox: Yeah. If you want your special fuckin' boutique item, don't go to a fucking restaurant with your friends. Stay home.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You don't deserve friends. You deserve social isolation.

Dick: I think this is the same person who doesn't eat spicy food.

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean laughs) Yeah! These are the same people. Okay, here's another rude thing that I do all the time. I open trays of food at a party. Right?

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: If I show up at a party and I see a big table full of trays noone's touched? Aluminum foil on top? Guess what? I'm opening them! I'm gonna eat! And I'm gonna be the first to eat.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'Cause you know what I'm doing when I do that? I'm doing everyone at that party a favor. Because everyone's a pussy. They're all standing around thinking the same thing with their hands in their pockets. (silly voice) "Uuuhhhh, welllll, I wanna eat, but I don't wanna be the first! Uhhhh." (background laughter) And they're just waiting for somebody…

Dick: They don't wanna look like a pig. Right?

Maddox: (scoffs) No. (Dick cracks up) It's not that, Dick. It's not that. Look, if I was, like, a real fat fatty and I was doing that? Then I would look like a pig.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But I'm not. So I walk over to the thing and I just open it up. They're waiting for authority. These are people who are conditioned by society and school to follow rules and to fall in line, and to wait until someone tells them to do something. And guess what? I'm the authority.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I show up at your party. I'm eating your snacks, buddy. That's what I do. (grins)

Dick: Good!

Maddox: That's a solution!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright? Here's another rude thing. Cutting in line. I love it.

Dick: Yeah, that's pretty rude.

Maddox: Waaaaaah!! Get outta here! I love it. It's my favorite thing. I love cutting in line. Here's why. Look. If I show up to the airport, and this happens all the fucking time. I'll show up to the airport and I'm ready to check in at the self-check-in kiosks. And I'll stand in line and I'll notice that there's a whole bunch of bozos in front of me.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And all these bozos have skis, and kids, and dogs, and God knows what else, and they're texting, and taking selfies with their selfie sticks. (annoyed) Not paying fucking attention! And nobody is telling the next person to go ahead! (Dick laughs) No one's saying, "Hey, dipshit. Put down your selfie stick. It's your turn to check in!" You know what? I'm not gonna do that if you're not doing it. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna walk around the line and just go check in. Fuck you. I don't give a shit. The only time I won't come in line is if everybody's standing in line, paying attention, not texting, and everyone's taking their turn and it's an efficient line. If it's not efficient, it's your fault and I'm not gonna wait in that line for you! (irritated)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Is that…that's a solution for everyone, you think?

Maddox: It is.

Dick: That's the big solution, you want this to just be, like, a feeding frenzy? Like China? Where everybody's trying to cram into turnstiles? (Maddox chuckles)

Maddox: No. It's more, like, I would say it's more like SouthWest. Where you stand in line and you get there on time and you seat, because you got there on time and you're paying attention. If you're fuckin' around, texting, guess what? Someone behind you is gonna go around you.

Dick: Yeah. I think…I think the shame that you're supposed to feel when you do these things, when you're a rude person, is, like, a natural limiter for not having too many of you running around. (Maddox laughs) Like, it's okay to have a couple rude people fixing things…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Like, you know. A couple jerks. That fix things by being jerks.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: But, I dunno about a big solution. I think we got enough. (Maddox sighs) I think we're at a nice, uhhh, what is it? Not a critical ma…nice balance.

Maddox: Nice balance, huh?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: You know, Dick, it reminds of an argument I had with a friend one time, who said that if you're driving down a two-lane road and, usually the right-hand lane road gets filled up with cars parking, right? Except near the front of an intersection.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So, the front of an intersection is a little gap where you have…where you can get in the right-hand lane. You can turn right. Or you can continue going straight. But you have to merge back into the left-hand lane, because the right-hand lane is covered with cars, right?

Dick: Right.

Maddox: I always take the opportunity to get in the right-hand lane, speed up, and cut off the person who was going straight in the left-hand lane. (Dick laughs)

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: And my friend said that I was a dick. I said no, because if they're just sitting there putzing around, not paying attention for the light to turn green? I mean, I'm like a race car driver, man! White knuckle, every time!

Dick: Well, you're very reckless, yeah. That's true.

Maddox: Dick. Aggressive is not reckless.

Dick: I think it is, by definition.

Maddox: No! (incredulous)

Dick: I think aggressive driving is bad.

Maddox: Okay. I don't need…

Dick: (interjects) And reckless.

Maddox: I don't need criticism from rain-slicked Dick over here! (Dick cracks up) Alright?! One of us hasn't wrecked his car, dickhead! (Dick still laughing) That's me. And what I'm doing when I get out of that lane, and I cut you off because you're putzing around talking to your girlfriend, or texting with your selfie stick…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: What…what I'm doing is getting one car fewer on the road.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grins)

Maddox: I'm getting to where I'm going faster. There's gonna be less cars behind you. And by the way, if everyone just lines up in one solid row, guess what? Down at the next intersection, some poor bozo…some poor schmuck's gonna be stuck in the intersection! And they're not, because I'm making one more space. By getting rid…by getting the fuck off the road. That's what your goal should be. When you get on the road, is to get off. As quickly as possible.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Yeah! That's the goal of driving.

Dick: So we should be thanking you.

Maddox: Yes! That's what I'm saying, Dick.

Dick: For cleaning traffic up.

Maddox: Why aren't people thanking me? Okay. Here's another rude thing that I do all the time. Telling picky eaters and vegans "No".

Dick: (guffaws) Oh, okay.

Maddox: Just no. You're a picky eater? Stay home. We're not gonna invite you.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: I don't wanna…I don't want to spend one second…one molecule of energy thinking about your dietary needs. Fuck you. I got my own issues. Alright? I don't want to think about, "Oh, do they have vegan? Do they have chicken? Do they have rice?" (silly voice) I don't give a shit! We're goin' someplace! You go, you show up. You order. Or you fuck off and die! It's just that simple. You know, I went to a dinner party last night, Dick. My friend invited me. She said, "Hey, you wanna come over for dinner?" My answer was "Yes." Not "Yes, what are you having?" (Dick chuckles) Not "Yes, should I bring any side bla bla bla bla?" I know to just say yes, show up, and eat what's served. Bring the wine.

Dick: That's not rude. That's very polite.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Everything you've just described.

Maddox: Exactly. And I'm saying that if you say no to picky eaters and vegans who are just being a pain in the fucking ass, then you start solving this problem.

Dick: Well, I don't know. I think you're kinda contradicting yourself now.

Maddox: How so?

Dick: Well, specifying what they want, like if you're being asked to dinner, saying…making a contingent on what's being served…that I would say is very rude, Maddox.

Maddox: Yeah. It is rude.

Dick: So the vegans themselves are being rude, not you!

Maddox: That's what I'm saying. So…so…

Dick: So they're not a solution.

Maddox: No, no. I'm saying, saying no to vegans is a solution.

Dick: Yeah, but they're…they're worse rude than you. Now it's like you're saying evil is a solution, but it's like they're more evil than you. They're more rude than you.

Maddox: Oh, I see, yes, yes, yes. So I am picking the lesser of two evils here. However, it is still considered rude to tell vegans and vegetarians and picky eaters "No", and I'm doing that. I'm taking a hit for the team and no one's thanking me!

Dick: Hah! Yeah, you're standing up to all those vegans. (Maddox laughs) All those tough vegans.

Maddox: They're bullies! That's what they do. They browbeat you with their fucking diets. Oh, every fucking time. "Oh, I have a special…I have a special diet, beh, beh, beh, beh." (silly voice) Shut up.

Dick: How about constantly being late? Is that on your list?

Maddox: No, Dick.

Dick: Something that you do?

Maddox: I don't need shit from you, Dick Masterson! (Dick cracks up) Who has cancelled episodes…these are all true excuses for reasons he couldn't come in. Disneyland. The aquarium. Six Flags.

Dick: I had to go to Disneyland with my nephew.

Maddox: Yeah, with your nephew. Of course, Dick. And…and then showing up 40 minutes late…

Dick: What is the problem with that?! (laughing)

Maddox: Fuck you, man. Fuckin' bullshit I'm so mad. I want to eat this paper. (Dick giggling) Alright. Here's…here's my last one. Ignoring people's pets or children. That's what I do as a rude person, and I'm solving problems, baby. Because you know what? When you give attention to pets and kids, what you're doing is dehumanizing everyone else in the room. (Dick laughs loudly) Yeah.

Dick: What?! (incredulous)

Maddox: You're bringing down the level of humanity!

Dick: What the fuck does that mean?!

Maddox: Think about it, Dick. If I start talking to you and then mid-conversation, turn to your dog and continue talking, I'm treating you like a dog, aren't I? Or I'm treating the dog like a human. Either way, I'm bringing down your level and raising the dog's level.

Dick: Do people talk to dogs in your circles?

Maddox: Oh, yeah. All the time! Oh, look at you…

Dick: (interjects) Like, if we had a dog here, they would just continue the conversation to the dog? (laughing)

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah!

Dick: That seems a little ridiculous.

Maddox: Yeah! Yeah. Here's a perfect example. I was at a friend's house. At a dinner party. Another dinner party.

Dick: You go to a lot of fancy dinner parties. (grins)

Maddox: That's what I do, buddy! I get invited. I'm a popular guy, right? So I show up…

Dick: Do you wear, like, spats and a dickey? Have a walking stick as you go to these fancy dinner parties? (grins) (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: No, man. I show up in a T-shirt. And no pants. So, I'm sitting down. We're watching TV. We're watching…it's, like, a movie night, dinner party, that sort of thing.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: We're watching Mad Men, or something. I don't know. Something's on TV. (giggles) And this thing happens, and mid sentence, this girl's talking about "Oh, man, can you believe that happened?" and then her dog comes up on her lap, and she goes, "Can you believe that, Porky? Oh, can you belie…look at it, Porky? Can you believe…" I'm like, "It's a fucking…why are you talking to the dog?! I'm a human! Talk to me!"

Dick: I think perhaps she wasn't getting the response she wanted out of you. So she just was talking aloud to herself but directing it at the dog.

Maddox: Dick, this was mid-stream. She just changed her attention from me to her dog.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: And then, you know what I decided? I'm not going to deign to talk to you. Okay? (Dick laughs) You continue talking to your dog all night. I'll just sit here sippin' booze and eating your snacks. First, by the way.

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: I'll eat your trays of food. And you talk to your dog. Enjoy your conversation with your dog.

Dick: You got…you draw, like, a lot of lines in the sand when you're at these dinner parties. (Maddox laughs) Like, some I don't even notice people doing.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. All the time, man. I'm very observant.

Dick: So, rude. Like, getting too drunk and throwing up, uh…on someone's couch.

Maddox: It's inconsiderate.

Dick: So that's not rude?

Maddox: No, it is.

Dick: Is that part of the solution, then?

Maddox: No, it's not.

Dick: Oh, okay.

Maddox: You're just being an asshole if you do that.

Dick: Oh, alright.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I'm just tryin' to figure out. Oh! So, is that what vegans are doing? Are they assholes?

Maddox: They're assholes.

Dick: They're not rude?

Maddox: They're assholes and rude.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Just trying to figure out what the line is. Um…commenting on someone's ex-girlfriend's Facebook when their new boyfriend makes them a steak. Is that something that would be rude that you have done to me?

Maddox: I have…I don't think I've done that, Dick.

Dick: You've done that to me. (background laughter)

Maddox: I have…(laughs) not done that, Dick!

Dick: Yeah. You have done that to me. Ex says, "Oh, new boyfriend made me a great steak."

Maddox: Oh, my gosh!

Dick: Here comes Maddox. Here comes Maddox. (Maddox cracks up) "Oh, awesome. Tell us more?" What the eff is this? (laughs)

Maddox: Oh, my God. No. I know what you're referring to…

Dick: What the eff are you doing to me?!

Maddox: Okay. She wasn't an ex, you guys didn't date!

Dick: Ehhhhhhhh.

Maddox: I'm not even sure you…okay! See, very secretive, Dick. This is where you're, uh…

Dick: (interjects) You knew what you were do…you knew you shouldn't have been doing that.

Maddox: You know, Dick, I honestly, swear to God, didn't give it a moment of thought. Because I didn't think that there was a thing. I didn't think that was ever a thing.

Dick: Well, it was a thing.

Maddox: But, you know what, Dick? That was rude. I admit it. I inten…I unintentionally did that, and I apologize.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: There you go.

Dick: Apology accepted.

Maddox: But it was unintentional. I did…I did think after the fact…'cause you messaged me and you were like, "Hey, what the fuck?"

Dick: Yeah!! (background laughter)

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: What the fuck are you doing?

Maddox: I'm like, "What are you talking about?" and then I realized. I'm like, oh okay, you guys had a thing, so. Yeah. Um, haven't done it since!!

Dick: Oh, good.

Maddox: Yeah. Good guy Maddox.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Anyway, man. Uh, yeah. Those are some of the rude things that I do. And I think if more people did these things, like ignore pets and children at parties, then the discourse would be more civil. 'Cause you don't have to…

Dick: (interjects) I think ignoring you makes the discourse more civil. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Fuck you! How?

Dick: Well, civility?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're ranting about, like vegans, and hating kids and dogs? (laughs) Civil is not saying these things!

Maddox: Well, I'm not saying I hate kids at these parties. I'm just ignoring them like they don't exist.

Dick: The discourse would be more honest and, like, more real, I think.

Maddox: Yeah, but then it's…

Dick: (interjects) I don't think it would be more civil.

Maddox: It'd be…what do you mean, how is it not more civil to ignore dogs and kids?

Dick: Well, eh, I don't know. Maybe you're right.

Maddox: Yeah. Of course I'm right. (Dick chuckles) Of course I'm right. And I just…you know, I just wish more people would thank me, Dick. I just…I really feel like I put my neck out…(Dick laughs) I really feel like I'm doing a good thing for people, and not just like, my immediate friends, but for society. If more people drove like me, there'd be no traffic.

Dick: Yeah, 'cause everyone would be dead. (Maddox cracks up) You drive like a maniac, dude.

Maddox: Ohhhhhh, buddy. I get where I'm goin' fast.

Dick: If you're gonna keep testing me on wine and Diet Coke, we'll test your driving.

Maddox: Oh, bring it.

Dick: Yeah. 'Cause your driving is fucked.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm on my bike most of the time, anyway.

Dick: Good.

Maddox: (laughs) Yeah. And I drive even faster on my bike. (Dick laughs) Think about it.

Dick: Alright. Are you done with your solution?

Maddox: Yeah, Dick. That's my solution. Rude people. That's the biggest solution in the universe. It's me. You're welcome, buddy.

Dick: Yeah. I think we got enough rude people. (Maddox giggles) 'Cause if there's too many rude people, then you're not special anymore.

Maddox: No, but this is…these are things that I mentioned…all of these things are things that are considered rude by society. If enough people stopped worrying about these things that are supposedly rude, then they wouldn't be rude anymore, and these wouldn't be called rude people, they'd just be called people.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: That's what we need more of.

Dick: Fight fire with fire, you're saying. I think.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: These people are being rude, so you're being rude right back to them.

Maddox: Yeah. I'm solving…

Dick: (interjects) They bring a knife, you bring a gun, right? (Maddox and Sean laugh) That's what you're saying?

Maddox: No, Dick. (grins)

Dick: Oh?

Maddox: I'm saying, like, the people who are too afraid, they're cowards, at parties, to open up trays of food? They're cowards! Why are you…why are you holding company with cowards? Is that who your friends are?

Dick: Ah, yeah.

Maddox: Do you think rich people are standing around cowards at parties?

Dick: What if they're just not hungry?

Maddox: Okay, well. You know, I do that sometimes. That's what I'm doing, I'm taking a hit for the party. I'm not hungry sometimes. I just walk up and start eating because no one else is doing it. I want to get the party started, let's go! The first person to dance is the best person at the party! I mean, if you like to dance, which I don't. Which is stupid as shit. (Dick cracks up) But at least someone's doing it!

Dick: At least someone's…is that how you…is that what you do?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: At least someone's doin' it! I'm out here dancing by myself!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Trying to kick…get things started!

Maddox: I've done it before, and I fucking hate dancing, but I get up on the dance floor. (Dick laughs) 'Cause, like, this fucking dipshit wedding I'm at, no one's dancing 'cause they fucking planned it shitty. They ordered…they invited a bunch of shitty, coward guests, who aren't dancing! (yelling, annoyed) I'll fucking get up there! I'll dance. Great! Here's your stupid fucking song!! (Dick laughs) Here's my stupid dance!

Dick: (dying of laughter) There's Maddox…out there by himself before the bride and the groom have their first dance. (Maddox laughs) 'Cause he doesn't understand wedding protocol. Dancing some weird Middle Eastern dance…(Dick, Maddox and Sean crack up) Screaming at the band to play! And that they're all cowards!!!!! (they crack up again)

Maddox: Fuck you, Dick! I'm not Middle Eastern, fuck you!!! (Dick laughs) I'm doing everyone a favor!!! (yells) Nobody thanks me!!! Nobody appreciates me!!! (Dick cackling maniacally) This is my fucking life!!! I'm done. I'm done. What's your fucking next solution?

Dick: (still laughing) Oh, my next solution is #FreeTheNipple.

Maddox: (laughs) What?!

Dick. Yeah. #FreetheNipple.

Maddox: This is a…

Dick: It's a movement.

Maddox: A Twitter campaign is your solution?

Dick: It's like a whole life campaign, dude.

Maddox: Oh, Jesus.

Dick: And I'm really…I'm torn about this one, because I hate, like, celebrity nudity. I hate celebrity nudity that's, like, empowering.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause it's just…it's annoying. You know?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Like, it's all so staged and they, like, present themselves, like, "Oh look, I'm taking such a risk by taking my top off. And look at my tits, aren't they beautiful?" It's like, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're great. This is just another of you being beautiful. Thank you for rubbing this in our faces. You know what I mean?

Maddox: Uh, Dick. It's so interesting you're mentioning this, 'cause it's going to be REALLY on point with my next problem, too.

Dick: Oh, okay. Well, great. So, the reason I found out about this. And as I said, I'm torn. I hate celebrity nudity that's empowering.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: To them. I only like it when it's funny.

Maddox: (scoffs, chokes) Okay, fair.

Dick: And humiliating. Right?

Maddox: Sure. (laughing) Sure.

Dick: 'Cause that's what they're there for.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: However, they got a good point on this #FreeTheNipple. Because I am in favor of tits. And seeing more of them.

Maddox: Okay, yeah. Me too.

Dick: So this is what this is.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Uh, I found out about it because Chelsea Handler recently was posting topless pictures of herself.

Maddox: Oh, yeah, I remember that, yeah.

Dick: Like, over Christmas.

Maddox: Trying to be empowering.

Dick: Because…because Instagram and Facebook have a policy that prohibits women from having their naked chest displayed on pictures; however, guys can do it. Right?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: So, if a woman posts a picture of herself topless, on Instagram or Facebook, it gets deleted.

Maddox: Right.

Dick: They don't ban the account.

Maddox: No.

Dick: With these celebrities.

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: I'm banned from Facebook.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: But these chicks can break the rules and post their boobs.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And they don't get banned. They just get the picture deleted.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And these girls' whole point is, "Why?" Why can't women post topless pictures of themselves and men can?

Maddox: Mhmm.

Dick: Right?

Maddox: You know, Dick.

Dick: It's a good point.

Maddox: It IS a good point.

Dick: It's a good point.

Maddox: This is actually…I was arguing with a bunch of self-proclaimed feminists on Facebook the other day, and this is…this is one thing that I just don't hear enough from feminist circles. This is one of the last forms of actual discrimination that we still have against women in society, is that they can't display themselves topless if they want to.

Dick: Their boobies.

Maddox: Their boobs.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Who cares?

Dick: Yeah. We should concentrate more on that.

Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)

Dick: I think.

Maddox: You know, Dick…

Dick: (interjects) I agree with you.

Maddox: That…that whole Chelsea Handler thing, so the way that started, I believe, is she posted a topless photo of herself riding a horse to lampoon Russian president Vladimir Putin.

Dick: Putin.

Maddox: Right? Because he has a photo like that with his big old saggy tits.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: And so, she's…she posted a picture of herself saying, "Hey, I look better topless than Vladimir Putin on a horse." Something along those lines.

Dick: I mean, debatable.

Maddox: Well. (cracks up) (Sean laughs) So…so, Instagram deleted the photo a bunch of times and she kept re-uploading it.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Which, by the way, they didn't ban her account. They would ban a guy if he kept uploading pictures of tits. But anyway. They didn't ban her account, but they kept deleting the photo. And she…she tweeted at them. She said something really poignant. She said, "Look. You're allowing a photo of topless Vladimir Putin on Instagram and not a photo of topless me on Instagram. What you're saying is Vladimir Putin has more rights than I do in America." Think about that.

Dick: Yeah. Yeah.

Maddox: That's a really fucked…I mean, if you think about it, that's true. It's really fucked up.

Dick: Well, there's no way to phrase it that isn't that fucked up.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's like, why is this obscene?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Why is…I was reading some articles about this. An American child sees over 200,000 acts of violence and 16,000 murders on TV before they turn 18, but they can't see nipples on TV?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's a thing? I'm not…I'm not for stopping violence. I'm not…don't get me wrong.

Maddox: We need more violence!

Dick: We need more violence, if anything, but also, throw some tits up there!

Maddox: Violent tits!

Dick: I mean, it's your channel. I don't know about violent tits, but. (giggles)

Maddox: War tits!

Dick: You could separate them.

Maddox: Holes in the nipples for machine gun bullets.

Dick: Now I see what the problem is. (Maddox and Sean crack up)

Maddox: What are you talking about, Dick?

Dick: That's disgusting.

Maddox: What?!

Dick: Did you know that it used to be illegal for men to have their nipples out in public?

Maddox: Really? (surprised)

Dick: Yeah. We got a whole nipple fixation in this society.

Maddox: Yeaaaaaah.

Dick: Yeah. It used to be illegal for men to do it; however, I got this off the Huffington Post. I know you don't like them, but I got it there. "Preachers and clergy in the 1900's vilified not just women's, but men's nipples as well, branding them immoral and evil to the unsuspecting eyes of children and impressionable women. Legislation was passed and all human areola were banned in public places." Can you imagine that?

Maddox: Wow.

Dick: Can you imagine that we're in the world talking and it's illegal for us to go outside and take our shirts off?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Hah.

Maddox: I mean, that's the world that women live in today. Which is insane…

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But it's mostly the US, dude. The US and Mexico, and maybe Canada. But in Europe, it's not a big fucking deal. You can go topless if you want. And it's…starting to change, too. In New York, they passed a law that allows women to go topless.

Dick: Oh, they did?

Maddox: They finally did, yeah.

Dick: So this is working? The Free The Nipple?

Maddox: It is starting to work, that enough people are saying "Hey, this is a double standard. If women want to go topless, they should be able to." And I totally agree. And the more women who do, listen, I am imploring all the female listeners of ours…

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: Of ours. To go topless as much as possible all the time. And this isn't just a horny thing. I mean, a little bit, but um…

Dick: Then Snapchat…send the pictures to the show. (Maddox cracks up) Snapchat us the pictures so we can get the word out about this cause. #FreeTheNipple.

Maddox: For research, yes. For research. But the more…the more tits that we see in public, the less mysterious and alluring they become. The less people care.

Dick: I really disagree with that.

Maddox: If you see tits…(laughs) No, no, Dick.

Dick: The more I see, the more I wanna see 'em. I don't care whose they are.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. Um…well, here's the thing, Dick. I'm gonna ask you a question. Do you think that porn has the same appeal to you today as it did when you were, say, 16 years old?

Dick: Ooh, boy. Lemme walk back in time, here. At 16 it was much harder to get than it is now.

Maddox: Much harder to get! You had dial-up. You had to wait an hour to log in and find a porn site, and…

Dick: I think…I think it has the same appeal now that it ever did.

Maddox: Oh, no way, dude.

Dick: I think it's more specific, now.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: Like, I know what porn I wanna see more.

Maddox: Yeah. I mean, I can look up "machine gun tits", like, anytime I want today.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Whereas it was really hard back in the day.

Dick: Are you asking if it has desensitized me? If porn…or, or…what's your point, sorry, what's the premise?

Maddox: It's not as novel as it used to be, because, I think that you have more access to it today, and it's easier to get. That's what I'm saying about breasts. If you see them all the time, people stop freaking the fuck out when they see tits.

Dick: Well, I don't know in what context you mean by "freaking the fuck out".

Maddox: Oh….

Dick: Like, the more I see, the…it doesn't change me not wanting to see them. You know what I'm saying?

Maddox: Well, yeah. I still always want to see them, always. All the time, forever.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: But…

Dick: What do you mean, freaking out?

Maddox: Well, so, for example…

Dick: Like, kids?

Maddox: If a woman wants to breastfeed on a bus.

Dick: Right. Okay.

Maddox: She should be able to! She should fuckin…it's just fucking breastfeeding! It is the least erotic…I mean, for some. For me, it's always erotic.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But…for…(stammers) It is, like, the least erotic thing that you could possibly do, is to feed a child on a bus, and women should be allowed to do that.

Dick: That reminds me, I have to bring in that erotic lactation story next week.

Maddox: Oh, yeah!!! What happened with that?!

Dick: No, I gotta bring it in. I said I would bring it when we had another Audible ad.

Maddox: We got another Audible plug.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Bring it in when we have that Audible plug, some time later this month. Along with our live show. There's a quick little plug. But our live show is coming out in January as well.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So, anyway, yeah, Dick. Women should be allowed to breastfeed. They should be allowed to go topless, and the more I think that people see it, the less fascinating it becomes. So, lemme give you an example. You remember…

Dick: (interjects) Fascinating, again! I…(stammers) I don't know what context you mean 'fascinating' by.

Maddox: Because, Dick, it becomes ordinary. And once something becomes ordinary, it's no longer the source of obsession that we have. So…that…

Dick: (interjects) Tits! Become ordinary.

Maddox: That article. Yeah. That article that you mentioned…

Dick: Ooh, boy. I don't know about that.

Maddox: Well, that article that you mentioned from Huffington Post, where they said that in the early 19th and 18th century, whatever, that clergy and men were not allowed to display nipples, because they were immoral, bla, bla, bla, bla. Over time, we became desensitized to male nipples, because men just worked with their shirts off and everybody just saw it all the time, so…

Dick: Well…

Maddox: …it became not a big deal.

Dick: I don't know. I think that's making a leap. Uh, by the way, so this was as recent as 1935. There was a mass arrest of 42 topless men in Atlantic City. (Maddox laughs) Who were protesting and suddenly, New York lifted the male topless ban in 1936 and a man's nipples were no longer obscene.

Maddox: Male suffrage. There you go.

Dick: Can you believe that? That that was a thing?

Maddox: Well, how nice…I mean…did these guys have nice racks? What was going on?

Dick: I don't know. Clark Gable was one of the guys who stripped his shirt off in a movie, paving the way. For male toplessness.

Maddox: Yeah. You know what, Dick? It's not just that males can or can't be topless, it's specifically whether or not you have female-looking breasts, because there was a guy awhile back who was on The Man Show, and I know you know this guy.

Dick: Oh, yeah.

Maddox: Yeah, this uh…this…well, you don't know him, but you know OF him. It's the guy who couldn't say no to a bet, and he took a challenge from his friend for 100,000$. He…if he could get breast implants and keep them in for a year.

Dick: Yeah, I remember that.

Maddox: So he accepted the challenge, got 100,000$, and then he and his wife decided that they're kinda cool and they wanted to keep it in. (laughs) And he just, like, lives with these breasts in his chest. However, he can't go on TV and show them.

Dick: Yeah. That's weird.

Maddox: Even though they are literally male breasts.

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Because they look female.

Dick: Well, I hope these girls get their way, just because I wanna see more tits all the time.

Maddox: I know…(laughs) I know, Dick.

Dick: I don't wanna have to work so hard to see 'em, and I think I speak for all men when I say that.

Maddox: All straight men.

Dick: All straight men.

Maddox: Or bisexual.

Dick: And probably gay men, too.

Maddox: Uh…

Dick: I think they like tits as well!

Maddox: Yeah, why not.

Dick: Why not?!

Maddox: Why not.

Dick: You're shaking your head? Are you shaking your head? You don't think gay men like seeing tits? I think they do.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Who doesn't like seeing tits?

Maddox: Tits, uh…my art teacher in college. My art history teacher…

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: Said that the two most beautiful forms in nature were the naked woman and horses. And so, uh…

Dick: Hmm.

Maddox: Yeah. And I think I agree with that, except I don't like horses. I think horses are stupid. I hate horses, actually. That's gonna be a big, big problem spoiler. But, yeah. Women…women are just…I believe they're beautiful forms, whereas men are more utilitarian. I guess you could have, like, the sculpture of David, or whatever, but then even, when you get to the balls, it just looks like clouds of meat.

Dick: Mhmm. (Sean laughs) Good point.

Maddox: (scoffs) Right. Yeah.

Dick: That's an interesting…interesting observation.

Maddox: Puffy clouds of meat. Just bulgy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Too much. It's too much.

Dick: I thought it was the opposite, though. I think the male of the species is supposed to be the more, I don't know, aesthetically pleasing.

Maddox: Oh, boy. Here we…….

Dick: (sighs) That's what the science says!! That's why the male peacocks have the feathers.

Maddox: Yeah, male animals maybe, like bucks.

Dick: Oh, not humans.

Maddox: Not humans.

Dick: No, only…only other animals.

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, you're setting yourself up there, buddy.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Alright, Dick. Well, my solution could almost piggyback off of yours. It's…it's tangentially related and touches on some of the subjects you talked about.

Dick: 'Kay.

Maddox: But I think "More Nudity" is the solution. Which…I kinda hinted at during your…Free The Nipple campaign.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Have you ever noticed how you never hear about nude leaks from porn stars? That's because you see them all the time! Nobody cares.

Dick: (laughing) Yeah, I guess. I guess not.

Maddox: Remember when that whole, like, Jennifer Lawrence nude leak went around?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: People interviewed some porn stars and they asked them their opinions about it, and they said, "Oh, I hope no one gets my nude leaks."

Dick: Yeah. (grins)

Maddox: And it was kind of a joke, because no one cares.

Dick: Right.

Maddox: Of course…that's why..that's the point I was trying to make about Free The Nipple. Nudity…

Dick: Where's…did her Mystique shots count as nude photographs, by the way?

Maddox: Who?

Dick: Jennifer Lawrence?

Maddox: I don't know. What are you talking about?

Dick: When she was Mystique and she just had paint on her body?

Maddox: Oh, from X-Men.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: No, I don't think so, because you didn't see the nipples.

Dick: Aaaaahhh, okay, I see.

Maddox: See? It's the nipple. The nipple is everything, man!

Dick: Oh.

Maddox: You can show a tit, just no nipple.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: It's that nipple, man. That's…that's the thin line between morality and immorality. What's that, a quarter-inch diameter of skin. That's it.

Dick: Well, it's pretty interesting.

Maddox: That's the difference between a boner and not, I guess. Nudity and sex are commodities and the only way to deflate the value and demand for pictures of people's genitals is to make the mundane. That's the point I was trying to make. Which they already are, I think. I mean, I can't think of many things more mundane than genitals. Which are something most people are born with. Most.

Dick: Really? More mundane than genitals?

Maddox: Genitals are pretty fuckin' mundane, dude. They're everywhere. I can'…I can't even spit and not hit a genital. (all crack up) "One way to make genitals more mundane is to create what I call, this is my solution, the International Genital Index.

Dick: Oh, God. (Sean laughs) I've heard this solution from you before.

Maddox: Yeah, I kinda…

Dick: Go ahead.

Maddox: I kinda mentioned this in an earlier episode.

Dick: I mean, I've heard you talk about it in real life, several times.

Maddox: Oh, yeah. (chuckles) Of course.

Dick: At dinner parties.

Maddox: (laughing) Iggy. IGI. International Genital Index. (Dick guffaws) I already created the acronym and everything, dude.

Dick: Did you register the website?

Maddox: Workin' on it. It'll probably be registered by the time this episode airs.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: I'm proposing a website where everyone age 18 or older up to the age of 65 should be required to submit full nude photos of your front and back. That way, any time you want to look up anyone to verify whether or not they have genitals…(Dick cracks up) You can just type in their name and see what their genitals look like. No big deal.

Dick: Uh-huh. (grinning)

Maddox: Right? This is…this is how solu…how technology can help us!

Dick: Are you gonna start it, like Tom was the first friend on Myspace? Is it gonna be Maddox's genitals, or User #1?

Maddox: I…you know, I think my genitals are floating around there somewhere.

Dick: I mean, you gotta lead by example, right? That's what rude people do. (Maddox laughs) Whip it out! Let's see it!

Maddox: Yeah. You know, I might as well. I mean, you know, if this is a thing that's gonna happen, I might as well. Might as well put it up there. Who cares? Like, who cares? Everyone's got a dick. Or a pussy. Like…big deal. (Dick laughs) No one gives a shit.

Dick: Yeah?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Well, put your money where your mouth is!

Maddox: I don't think I wanna put my mouth there, buddy. (Dick laughs) So you remember, Dick, back in November? I think you were gonna touch on this, too. Back in November, Keira Knightley posed topless for Interview Magazine.

Dick: Yeah, it was annoying.

Maddox: It was annoying.

Dick: I didn't even click on it.

Maddox: I did.

Dick: And I like her.

Maddox: Yeah. Oh, you know, she's hot. And so, her reasoning was stupid, but the indirect result was awesome. She effectively deflated the value of her nudes. She was trying to make a statement about how she's been retouched and digitally manipulated by Photoshop in movies and photoshoots, so she wanted to show people what she really looked like. And of course, she's not returning the 146 million dollars she made as part of her protest. Of course not, right? She just wants to protest how bad…

Dick: (interjects) What do you mean?

Maddox: Well, she…she's complaining that her body has been digitally manipulated and she wants to show people what she really looks like, but part of her complaint isn't to return the money that she got for it.

Dick: No, and I love it, too, because she's, like, look. All this photomanipulation stuff is getting out there, making actresses hot, like me. But I wanna show you guys that I'm hot just as me. Like, I don't even need…

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: It's, like, Jesus Fucking Christ, will you stop bragging? Like, fuck you! We get it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You're hot with the digital effects. You're hot just regularly naked. What's next? What more…how much more attention do you fucking want?! (angry)

Maddox: Yeah. It's so annoying. Can we just stop calling her brave for showing us her tits? She's a gorgeous supermodel, celebrity, and actress.

Dick: Yeah!

Maddox: With about as much money as a small drug cartel. She's not a martyr for showing us her fucking nipples! (Dick laughs)

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: If people really want to stop celebrity nudes from getting leaked, we have to create the International Genital Index, baby!! Biggest solution in the Universe! IGI!

Dick: That's where you get crazy. (laughs)

Maddox: (cracks up) Is that…

Dick: I agree with you, as long as you start it. Otherwise, I think it's hypocritical. For you to just say all these people should post their genitals, but you're not on there.

Maddox: Well, it would be hypocritical, but…so, I will! (Dick cracks up, cackling) (Maddox laughs)

Dick: Okay!!!

Maddox: Yeah. (laughing) I gotta lead by example, buddy! You're gonna get…

Dick: Ohh, wow.

Maddox: You're gonna get an eyeful one of these days. I'll send it to you first. (all crack up) So, you remember…you remember, Dick, when Jennifer Lawrence's private nudes were hacked, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Everyone RAGED. Gawker, Jezebel, Salon, Huffington post, and a slew of other outlets feigned fury about that shit.

Dick: Mhmm.

Maddox: But we place so much importance on sex and nudity and genitals in our country, but when other, equally more valuable data gets stolen, like that Sony hack? Like the social security numbers, financial and health records? Intellectual property worth hundreds of millions of dollars?! It's open season for journalists to mock and profit from!

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: But…but they act outraged when you get someone's tit. That's why I think that you need to have the International Genital Index. It's really important!

Dick: I don't know if it was just her tits, though. It was also, like, the humiliating positions she…like, the intimacy of…I mean, didn't she have, like, cum all over her face?

Maddox: Yeah, man.

Dick: Wasn't it…I don't know if that's, like, the proper way to describe that.

Maddox: A money shot, Dick, please.

Dick: A money shot, yeah.

Maddox: Facial. Money shot, facial.

Dick: Yeah. They had a couple of facials in there. Oh, my God.

Maddox: Yeah. A couple of facials. There is nothing humiliating about sex. If you stop stigmatizing it by saying it's humiliating, then it won't be! Like, you can do anything you want sexually and there's nothing humiliating about it.

Dick: No, but it's embarrassing if it's an intimate moment that you shared with someone to have it out there. Like, it's not just bits. There's not just bits and bytes in a camera. This is, like, something that happened that I don't want other people to see, or she doesn't want other people to see.

Maddox: That's why I'm about to introduce International Genitals Index Pro! (Dick and Sean crack up) You upload pictures of facials and cumshots and all your nasty shit that you…that you don't want people to see? Look man, we…we…

Dick: (interjects) You live in a disgusting world in your mind. (Maddox laughs) Where porn of every permutation of everyone on the planet is on the Internet. Everyone drives like an asshole and cuts each other off all the time. (Maddox cracks up) Babies are ignored until they're 21 and they get out of college.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And pets eat each other, I guess.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: That's your ideal world. (grinning)

Maddox: Dick, that sounds like a utopia to me, buddy. You can look up anyone nude, any time. Any sex act. Any position. Look, it should be that way. It should be that way, just so people stop caring so much! It's not a big deal. Everybody has sex. Everybody masturbates. Everyone's got tits and asses. And nipples and dicks. Who cares? Just make it mundane. Make it ordinary, so we can just move on with important shit and just fucking hope that Gawker and Jezebel and these shitty rags just disappear, once and for all? Can we just do that, please? International Genitals Index?

Dick: You think it would LESSEN our fascination with it?

Maddox: Absolutely, dude.

Dick: (sighs) I don't know, man. Ever since, like, the TMZ news style came about…it seems like it's just made everyone more interested in that style of news. Like, that kind of scandalous, sensational celebrity shit.

Maddox: Dick, what I'm saying is, it wouldn't be scandalous if it was common and ordinary. That's why I started the whole solution for the segment with the porn star saying that, "Oh, I hope my nudes don't get leaked." Because nobody cares. If your nudes are readily available, no one cares. No one's gonna hack YOU.

Dick: Interesting theories.

Maddox: Yeah. No one's stealing sand from the beach.

Dick: No one's bringing sand to the beach.

Maddox: Well, both. (Dick cracks up laughing) Okay, that's a different point.

Dick: Well, it's a saying.

Maddox: It's a…it is a saying.

Dick: That's a saying. 'No one's bringing sand from the beach' is not a saying.

Maddox: Well, no one's…it IS a saying. It makes sense, what I'm saying…

Dick: (interjects) Taking sand from the beach.

Maddox: No one's taking sand from the…yeah, because it's plentiful.

Dick: People are taking sand from the beach right now.

Maddox: No.

Dick: They go there, they get a glimpse of the tits, and they try to steal it and take it back home with them.

Maddox: Are you…

Dick: (interjects) You want everybody to be living at the beach so no one brings sand to the beach.

Maddox: Dick…

Dick: (interjects) 'Cause they're awash in pornography.

Maddox: You have RUINED my analogy! (Dick and Sean crack up) What I'm saying is…

Dick: (interjects) I'm just saying!

Maddox: If it's common, and just there for free, then no one will want it!

Dick: Yeah. That's bringing sand to the beach.

Maddox: No! (flustered) You're not bringing ANYTHING, anywhere!!! You're just making more sand!!! Aaaaghhh!!

Dick: (laughs) So, what's the saying? No one makes sand at the beach?

Maddox: No, Dick. You just ruined everything. (Sean laughs)

Dick: Well, it's a pretty good problem.

Maddox: Fuck it.

Dick: More nudity.

Maddox: Sean, go ahead and delete this one, too. (Sean and Maddox crack up)

Dick: You wanna do the wine test?

Maddox: Yeah. Let's…let's do the wine test, Dick! Alright.

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: We have here six glasses of wine.

Dick: We have some help here. Randy's back in the studio.

Maddox: Randy's back in the studio. Randy, thanks for helping us set this up. We have six glasses of wine, Dick. Labeled 'A' through 'F'. Uh, put that away, Sean. Dick's trying to look. Um…(Sean laughs) we have…we have a legend of which is which. Which is labeled. So, we have six glasses and I want you, Dick, to try them all and see if you can rank them. You have a pen with you. I want you to rank them from most expensive to least.

Dick: I just wanna say real quick before we start doing this.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I am now officially getting paid to drink. (Maddox chuckles) I have achieved everything I ever wanted in life as of this bonus episode.

Maddox: That's hilarious. Um, okay, so…

Dick: Somebody…somebody help me. Somebody hand me one of these glasses.

Maddox: Yeah, Randy, can you hand him…like, set the glasses up in front of him, so he can…

Dick: What, Sean?

Sean: I have a question for Maddox.

Maddox: Yeah, Sean.

Dick: Yeah.

Sean: How would it be if he got the cheapest and the most expensive? What would you think of that?

Maddox: If he got them correctly?

Sean: Yeah. Yeah…not in order, but if he…

Dick: (interjects) Why did I have to get six?

Sean: If he definitely picked the least expensive and definitely picked the most expensive.

Maddox: Well, um…I…well, if it was only two samples, that would make a difference, but we have six samples here.

Sean: Well, I know, but…there may not be that much of a difference…

Dick: Sean, you're bringing sand to the beach right now.

Maddox: Yeah. (Sean cracks up)

Dick: Alright.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. So, Dick is smelling sample 'A.'

Dick: Oh, this is a tart...

Maddox: Okay. (skeptical)

Dick: 'A' has a very tart aroma to it.

Maddox: Yeah. Mhmm.

Dick: It's not…not clinging to the sides of the glass very well.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I don't know if that's good or bad, for wine, but I know it's something that they do.

Maddox: (chuckles) It's something that they do. Dick is mimicking every wine taster he's ever seen. Every wine-tasting movie.

Dick: It's a's a little sour.

Maddox: You haven't even tasted it.

Dick: I've been smelling it.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: Taste is mostly smell. We've had this argument today.

Maddox: Oh, my gosh, Dick!

Dick: That taste is mostly smell.

Maddox: Alright. He's sipping it very delicately.

Dick: Mmm.

Maddox: Mhmm. What do you think of that one?

Dick: Ummmm. I don't care for that one much.

Maddox: Yeah, okay. So, Dick didn't like sample 'A'.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Randy's about to hand him sample 'B'.

Dick: I'm gonna give that one a 5. Hold on, I gotta rinse my mouth out. Okay, now I'm drinking this one out of a…this is a Tom Collins glass, correct?

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Not a wine glass?

Maddox: I don't have that many wine glasses.

Dick: Surprise, surprise.

Maddox: Great. Wait, hold on here, real quick.

Dick: You wanna put on some music?

Maddox: Yep.

(Ritzy theme music starts)

Maddox: There we go. So, Dick is trying…what is that, sample 'B' you're tasting here?

Dick: Yeah. This one has…it has almost no smell. And it has very little flavor. And it's almost watery, like a Corona.

Maddox: Oh, man. That is such a bad example of…(sighs)

Dick: Corona Lite?

Maddox: First of all, Corona…

Dick: Sorry.

Maddox: Corona tastes awful.

Dick: Yes.

Maddox: It definitely has…it's a very strong flavor.

Dick: But it's very watery.

Maddox: Uh, okay.

Dick: Corona's very watery.

Maddox: Alright. You're saying that one's watery.

Dick: I'm gonna give that one a 3.

Maddox: That one's a 3. Okay.

Dick: 'A' I gave a 5 to, because it was the first one, so…

Maddox: Alright. So, we're trying sample 'C'. This one's in a wine glass again, 'cause again, I don't have that many wine glasses, 'cause I'm a man.

Dick: Randy, uh…did you put any thought into which wines you put in the wine glasses? No, okay.

Maddox: He's shaking his head no. Randy…oh, and by the way, guys. This is a legit test. We are doing this double blind. I don't know which is which. Dick doesn't know which is which.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: That's why we had a third party pour these wines and create a master list.

Dick: Did you put any fuckery into this test? Like you did with the Diet Cokes?

Maddox: Dick, it's…

Dick: (interjects) Where there's two duplicates or something like that? (Maddox laughs) Or you mixed up a bunch of the wines?

Maddox: I don't know, why don't you tell me, Dick? You're the expert.

Dick: I'm not a wine expert! But there's already a very different taste between the three.

Maddox: Oh, great. Okay. Well, I hope you can solve which one's which. Find the most expensive to least.

Dick: This one's a little fruitier.

Maddox: Mmm.

Dick: This one is…it's less thick than 'A', but it's much fruitier than 'B', but it's also a little watery. A little more watery.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: I'm gonna bump it slightly above 'A', even though I wouldn't drink it.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: 'Cause of the fruitiness.

Maddox: Yeahhhh, okay. (skeptical) Heaven forbid you have a good-tasting wine.

Dick: What, that tastes like fruit?

Maddox: Yeah. That's a great taste. Why not?

Dick: I…I don't know.

Maddox: (interjects) I don't…okay. Whatever.

Dick: I don't wanna identify that I'm drinking a fruit salad. It's not Sangria.

Maddox: Right. (giggles) Well, it should be. Sangria's great. Alright, Dick. He's trying sample 'D'. We have two more after this. And we're gonna be posting pictures of all these samples on the website, too. You guys can see what…

Dick: (interjects) I like this one. It has that…it has that bite to it.

Maddox: Oh…okay.

Dick: That I like in a good liquor. You know what I mean?

Maddox: Uh-huh.

Dick: Where it just grabs you by your brain.

Maddox: Sure.

Dick: It bypasses all the senses and just…and pulls you into it like a 30s cartoon with the pie vapors.

Maddox: (scoffs) Okay.

Dick: That's what this one reminds me of.

Maddox: That's what that is?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Dick, do you think that that's…

Dick: I haven't even drank it yet. I'm saying that's the smell.

Maddox: Oh, oka…Dick, fucking drink it!! (laughs) Will you, Jesus!! Alright. Here he is. Drinking it every so gingerly.

Dick: Uh…the taste was a little more sour than I would have wanted it to be.

Maddox: Mhmm. Yeah. That's where that bite comes from, isn't it? Do you think that's a quality of a more expensive wine, or a cheaper wine, Dick?

Dick: Well, I don't know.

Maddox: Yeah, you don't know. No one does.

Dick: I know I don't like that.

Maddox: I…uh-huh! Exactly. That's all wine tasting comes down to. No one knows. No one fuckin' knows! You just taste something and go, like, "Oh, I like it. I guess." Would you say there's notes of anything in there, Dick? Notes of bullshit, maybe? (Sean laughs)

Dick: No. (exhales) (Maddox laughs) There's a bit of a "Kiss my ass" in this one, though.

Maddox: Oh. (laughs) A little hint of "Kiss your ass", huh?

Dick: Mmm. It's growin' on me. 'Cause it's very dry.

Maddox: Yeah. Okay.

Dick: That one's much drier than the other one. I'm gonna bump that up to a 7.

Maddox: Oh, wow, okay.

Dick: That's my favorite so far.

Maddox: Alright.

Dick: Alright, is this the last one?

Maddox: Last one…no. We have one more after this.

Dick: Jesus Christ.

Maddox: So, sample 'E'. This is a very thorough, double-blind test, Dick. This is scientific.

Dick: Oh, yeah. It's very thorough. It's gotta be done in 10 minutes. (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Well, what? We don't have all fuckin' day, man! You gotta taste these guys.

Dick: Alright. This one's a little thicker.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Clings to the sides of the glass more.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I've been doing that. I see the color doesn't thin out when I tip it.

Maddox: Yeah, great.

Dick: On the side.

Maddox: Yeah, well you're…

Dick: (interjects) I dunno if that's what you're supposed to do when you're tipping the wine glass…(Maddox giggles), but it looks like the color's staying pretty dark.

Maddox: But the glass is also tinted, so you're…telling nothing.

Dick: Oh, I see. Well…

Maddox: So go ahead. Here we go. He's tasting this one. Sample 'E'. This is the thicker one, right? Oh, he's smelling it.

Dick: I'm smelling it, because I think it tastes like cigarettes.

Maddox: Mmmmmm.

Dick: There's a chance someone was smoking in this glass.

Maddox: A note of cigarette. So cigarette notes in this one. Kind of cigarettey. Would you say this one has a little hint of "Kiss your Ass"?

Dick: I really hate that one.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Okay. Well, Dick. We definitely have a loser.

Dick: Yeah, I'm gonna put that...I'm gonna put that at the bottom.

Maddox: Mmkay. So, here's the final sample and Dick is making sure to swish with water and clean out his mouth…

Dick: Yep.

Maddox: Between each one of these. So it's only minimally invasive.

Dick: Ooh, I like this one.

Maddox: Okay.

Dick: It's playful.

Maddox: Oh.

Dick: It's got that same…same grab to it, but it's also playful.

Maddox: Great. (skeptical)

Dick: I like it.

Maddox: Oh, man.

Dick: It reminds me of myself.

Maddox: Oh, Jesus, Dick. (Sean cracks up)

Dick: (laughing) See, isn't it fun to pretend to be a wine expert? (grinning)

Maddox: Ugh. (laughs)

Dick: That's the whole point. It's fun.

Maddox: I feel like I'm listening to you masturbate. (laughs)

Dick: Mm. I wish.

Maddox: Ew. Okay, what do you think of it?

Dick: Well, that one's also a little sour.

Maddox: Little sour. Hmm.

Dick: However, it's good. I like the…the fruit is disguised. It's not just blatantly fruit. It kind of tastes like medley.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: You understand?

Maddox: No. No. (giggles) It's all bull…you can just say things…

Dick: I'm gonna give that one…(giggles) I'm gonna give that one a 6. So you want me to give you my final ranking?

Maddox: What's the final ranking? Most expensive to least.

Dick: Final ranking is 'D' was my favorite. 'C' and 'F' were second. Then 'A', then 'B', then 'E'. A, B, C, D, E, F. Yeah. Alright. So, D is my top. What is the actual…what is the actual ranking?

Maddox: 'D' is your top. Interesting, Dick. So it's 'D', 'C', 'F', 'A', 'B', 'E'. Is that correct?

Dick: Yeah. Yep.

Maddox: Okay. So…here are the prices of the wines. We had…

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: We actually had only four wines. You tasted four wines, Dick.

Dick: Oh. Another fucked up…(Maddox cracks up) Another fucking bullshit, mythbusters…what did you call us, Randy? The Mythbusters that nobody asked for? (Maddox laughs)

Maddox: Okay, Dick. Here are the prices of the wine.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: We had a 36$ one, an 18$ wine, an 8$ wine, and a 10$ wine.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: Those are all the prices.

Dick: Was it necessary to get an 8 and a 10?

Maddox: Well, you should be able to tell the difference between an 8$ and 10$ wine, you said…

Dick: Two dollars?! Two fuckin' dollars, I should be able to tell the difference of? Someone that drinks whiskey like it's water?!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: Okay, go ahead.

Maddox: Yeah. You should be able to tell, Dick.

Dick: What's the prices?

Maddox: So, 'D' is the one you picked. That is an 18$ wine, buddy. You thought an 18$ wine was way better than one that was twice the price.

Dick: Great. So? 18$ bottle of wine would be 50$ at a restaurant. That's good.

Maddox: Yeah. Okay. Well, then, what's interesting, is you rated 'C' and 'F' the same.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: 'C' is an 8$ wine. And 'F' is a 36$ wine.

Dick: So, I would get the 8.

Maddox: (scoffs) Oh…(stammers) Okay. No, you wouldn't, because you'd be in a restaurant, and be there with a date, and be like, "Well, I'd better spend more." Get more.

Dick: No. I wouldn't do that.

Maddox: Why?

Dick: Because I'm not a fucking idiot.

Maddox: Uhhhh…mmmmmm.

Dick: I would get what tasted good to me. Both of those tasted good! I would drink either one!

Maddox: Dick, but you're not tasting them before you get them at the restaurant. You're looking at the menu price and you're saying, "Well, this one's 35$. I'm probably gonna get a 35$ wine."

Dick: No, what I would do is get the one that's cheap but doesn't make me look cheap to my date.

Maddox: That's actually the con that they do in restaurants. They know this very well. They know that people don't want to appear cheap.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: So what they'll do is they'll have the lowest quality wine be the second lowest priced on the menu.

Dick: (scoffs) Why would they…why would it be the lowest quality?

Maddox: Because they make the highest margin on lowest quality wine.

Dick: Alright. Read…read the results. (grins)

Maddox: Then you chose 'A'. 'A' was the 36$ wine. You said that was the third best, right?

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Then, 'B', which was the 18$ wine, and then 'E' was the 10$ wine.

Dick: Okay.

Maddox: So you chose…

Dick: Not bad!

Maddox: No, you chose the 8$ wine and the 36$ wine as your second favorite!

Dick: Maddox. There's nothing wrong with an 8$ bottle of wine being as good as a 36$ bottle of wine!

Maddox: (interjects) That's my…

Dick: (interjects) And I put the 36$ bottle of wine in the top!

Maddox: No, you didn't, dickhead!

Dick: You fuckin' lose, dude!

Maddox: You put it as 'D'. 'D' is the top! 18$ wine.

Dick: (interjects) So…

Maddox: (interjects) That's my point! You couldn't rank them!

Dick: So I picked the most expensive bottle of wine second?

Maddox: No, you picked…no, you didn't. You picked the least expensive bottle of wine second. 'C'.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no. Look.

Maddox: Yes, you did!

Dick: No, no. Look! I have 'D' as number one. How much was 'D'?

Maddox: 'D' was 18$.

Dick: Okay, 18$. So I picked an 18$ bottle of wine as first. That's great!

Maddox: No, it's not!

Dick: For…that is…I did a really good job for someone who doesn't drink wine professionally?! (Maddox cracks up) That's pretty fuckin' good, dude!

Maddox: Dick. It's arbitrary! You put…you picked one that was double the price, 100$ markup, as lower than the best. And what was your second choice? The 8$ bottle of wine.

Dick: I said 'C' and 'F' were equally good.

Maddox: You said 'C' and 'F' were equally good?

Dick: I would drink…yeah. And what were those prices?

Maddox: 'C' was 8$.

Dick: 8$. Okay. And 'F' was?

Maddox: And 'F' was 36$.

Dick: (stammers) Hey, man. I'm looking at that and I'm seeing two wins. 18 at the first place, 18$ bottle of wine. That's…it's not like I picked a 2 buck chuck and put it on top.

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: I picked a pretty good bottle of wine! 18 bucks. That's expensive. (Maddox chuckles) You bring that to one of your fancy dinner parties! (Maddox cracks up) And not feel like a dipshit. 36 bucks? Hey, that's a lot of a bottle of wine, man. But I put that in second place. That's pretty good, too.

Maddox: You put that in third.

Dick: No, no, no, no, no, no!!

Maddox: 'C' and 'F'.

Dick: I said they were equal. I said they were rated equally.

Maddox: Dick, if you're…if you…

Dick: (interjects) 'C' and 'F', I both gave 6s to.

Maddox: Dick, I don't trust your palate, because you were not able to determine that 'B' and 'D' were the exact same wine.

Randy: In all fairness to Dick, they were all Pinot Noirs, except for the one he ranked least, which was just some red wine you had lying around your kitchen. (laughs)

Maddox: Yeah. That was…that was another control. That was actually…

Dick: And I said that was disgusting. I said it had cigarettes in it.

Maddox: No. Was that the one?

Dick: I did! I said that had cigarettes in it, you motherfucker! I gave it a 2!

Maddox: Which one…which one was that, Randy?

Dick: I gave it a fucking 2! It was 'E'.

Maddox: 'E'. Oh, that's..that's true, yeah. You did correct…yeah.

Dick: Yeah! So there you go. So I've identified that the wine you buy is SHIT. (Maddox laughs) And is soaked in ask and horseshit!!

Maddox: Yeah.

Dick: And that other wines…as long as they cost more than 8$. I'm good with.

Maddox: No…no, Dick. You said you'd be just as fine with an 8$ wine as you would a 36$ wine. You fail.

Dick: As long as it tastes good.

Maddox: You failed to rank them correctly.

Dick: Well, let's see what…

Maddox: (interjects) You failed to determine the same wine twice that you tasted! (Dick scoffs) You fucking failed, buddy! Just like every fucking wine taster!

Dick: You can't feel good about this. The Diet Coke test? You must have felt good about that, but this you can't feel good about.

Maddox: Then why do I have an erection!? (All crack up)

Dick: Alright, that's it.

Maddox: Alright, guys.

Dick: Let's see what the fans think about this victory. (grins)

Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it is a victory. Um, you failed to rank them properly, Dick. And you failed to determine the same wines twice. So, what are your solutions this week? (grinning)

Dick: My solutions are "Genetic Engineering' and '#FreeTheNipple'.

Maddox: And MY solutions are 'Rude People' and 'More Nudity', or the International Genital Index. I think I'm gonna just call it 'More Nudity'.

Dick: Yeah.

Maddox: Anyway, guys.

(Heavy metal riff starts)

Maddox: Thanks for listening to our bonus episode. Our third ever bonus episode. We have a lot more coming. Thanks for subscribing. Tell your friends. That's how people hear about the show. And check out the live show, coming soon.

Dick: Thanks for listening.

Maddox: Thanks, guys.

(Voice mail: Hey guys, it's Alex from Toronto. Listening to the first Solutions podcast and diggin' it. Um, Dick..umm, you said Maddox would be the guy who would be poo-pooing the idea of a Jurassic Park, saying "Oh, noo, the dinosaurs would get out of control (Maddox giggles) (Dick: Yeah.) and eat the tourists. Did you watch the rest of the fucking movie?! (Maddox laughs) Because the dinosaurs get out of control and eat the fucking tourists!! (yelling) (Dick: Well. Maddox: Yeah.) So, in your fictional reality, Maddox would have been right to shit on the idea of the…) (tape cuts off)