Solution: Free Birth Control [00:10:06]
Solution: Refrigeration [00:19:23]
Solution: Legalized Prostitution [00:42:56]
Solution: Illustrated Condoms [01:02:25]
The Biggest Solution in the Universe - Episode 10
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
(heavy metal theme riff)
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Solution in the Universe, the show where we discuss every solution in the universe, from Beer to Lesbians.
Dick: Ahahahohoho, yeeeeah. (grins)
Maddox: With over 3.5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of solutions. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick!
Dick: Hey!! What's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back.
Dick: That's a great intro! That is...those are the solutions. Those should be on top. I would sacrifice even my own Nuclear Fuckin' Power solution to see Beer and Lesbians be on the top of the list.
Maddox: I'd sacrifice a CHILD to see those on the list. (Dick laughs)
Dick: You already got that on the list.
Maddox: Any child.
Maddox: Abor-... (cracks up) That's right! (Dick giggles) Abortion. That's an abortion of an intro. How 'bout that? (Sean laughs in the background) Um, Dick...
Dick: Who woooon?
Maddox: Nobody won, as usual. But... (drumroll sound effect)
Dick: Not...there's not even winners on THIS show?!
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Satellites, from last -
Dick: (interjects) Big surprise. (chuckles)
Maddox: So the last bonus episode, the prob-...excuse me. The solutions we brought in were Satellites, The Superhero Pose...
Maddox: ...Temperance, which was also "moderation." Some people were confused. And then Ronald Reagan, your, uh, your mid-stream switch.
Dick: Yeah, 'cause you pulled shenanigans during that episode.
Maddox: Nooo, it wasn't shena-...
Dick: You told me to bring in GPS.
Maddox: Ohh... (growling)
Dick: Even though I said, "I'm not if you're bringing in satellites, 'cause I don't wanna talk about the same shit for a half hour."
Maddox: I wouldn't have brought in satellites if you didn't bring in GPS.
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: Well, I heard...you said...you told me you were bringing in GPS, and I thought, "Well, I'll bring in satellites."
Dick: Yeah! Why would you do that? (Maddox scoffs) 'Cause you're a shady fuck!
Maddox: To be a dick, I guess.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: I don't know. I...you know what, Dick? We're talking about solutions, and I think GPS is a fine solution.
Maddox: It really is.
Dick: Uh-huh. Uh...
Maddox: Got totally trounced. Ronald Reagan got totally trounced.
Dick: I even got some hate mail on Ronald Reagan.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: Yeah. It was...
Maddox: Let's hear it.
Dick: Uh, Butt Sanchez sent me some hate mail for Ronald Reagan.
Maddox: Butt Sanchez?! He's l-... (Dick laughs) He's your...he's your -
Dick: (interjects) (laughs) I know!! He's my #1 fan!
Maddox: Yeah, he's your guy! You give him life advice. Bad life advice.
Dick: He sent me some hate mail.
Dick: He got real pissed off about Ronald Reagan. Uh, "You believe all drugs should be legal. You have a positive view on drugs, which is awesome, and I agree with you. And I can build a very strong case for why drugs have made me a better person." (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling) Oh, sure. I'm sure he can build a real solid, bulletproof case on how drugs have improved HIS life.
Dick: Uh, "If you ask me, Maddox could sure use an eighth of some..." uh, "...psilocybin mushrooms." That must...I've never...that must be the psychedelic kind.
Maddox: What is he, a fuckin' scientist all of a sudden?
Dick: (chuckles) You know, drug people are usually ve-...they have a lot of scientific knowledge about, like, that one part of science.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh.
Dick: Um..."But then you go and suck Ronald Reagan's dick, literally the guy who spearheaded the war on drugs. Dick, you're full of shit." Oh, my goodness!
Maddox: Yeah, you... (stammers) Ronald Reagan, which I think in another episode, Dick, you acknowledged that Ronald Reagan caused irreparable harm to this country with his war on drugs.
Dick: Oh, I don't...sure! People's lives are ruined because of the war on drugs. Absolutely.
Maddox: Yeah. Ronald Reagan.
Dick: I am glad that...I'm glad that, um...well, I will say on this show, I hope no politician is ever in the positives as a solution. You know what I mean?
Dick: Like, I love Ronald Reagan, but just because it's a conservative, like, fantasy.
Maddox: Yeah. (sneering)
Dick: Like, he represents a conservative...uh, politician that you can, like...that doesn't embarrass you with everything he says.
Maddox: Well, okay. He was a good speaker.
Dick: Right! Exactly.
Dick: And that's all it comes down to, really, in politi-...it's not like, you don't...you're not waiting for him to fuck up. That's the...that's, like, the imaginary...you know, abstraction that Ronald Reagan is to conservatives, I think.
Maddox: Dick, I hope that a politician DOES make the list, and that politician is Teddy Roosevelt, which I'll bring in.
Dick: I thought you were gonna say Donald Trump.
Maddox: Don-... (laughs) Donald Trump. What a jackass.
Dick: Got another voicemail about Reagan.
Dick: I mean, before I play it, it was obvious that I brought in Ronald Reagan after the GPS, uh, fiasco. Right? That was obvious to you, at least.
Dick: That I brought in Ronald Reagan because of the GPS/satellite shenanigans.
Maddox: No, you changed your an-...your solution to Ronald Reagan.
Dick: Right, that was obvious to you. Right?
Maddox: Well, of course.
Dick: And to anybody... (chuckles)
Maddox: And I think the listeners. Anyone listening.
Dick: Okay, good. (plays first voicemail message)
Voicemail (male caller): Gentlemen, this is former president Ronald Reagan.
Dick: Oh, great. (Maddox laughs)
Voicemail: Well, uh...Dick, I wanted to thank you sincerely for fellating my genitals like a hungry calf desperate to receive sweet nourishment from its mother's teat. (Dick guffaws) Your zealous service to end the nation's problem of bad blowjobs is appreciated not just by me, but all of your fellow Americans.
Dick: This is what heaven sounds like.
Voicemail: Dick, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of great patriotism when you sucked my American load down your proud American throat.
Dick: Yup. Alright. (Maddox chuckles) Thank you, Ronald Reagan.
Voicemail: But, it is with much hesitation that I submit to the tradition established in this show, but I must join the ranks of presidents who have told Dick to go fuck himself.
Dick: Oookay. (Maddox laughs smugly) Terrific. Terrific.
Voicemail: Dick Masterson, go fuck yourself.
Voicemail: I'm Ronald Reagan... (Dick and Maddox laugh) ...and THIS is how I talk.
Dick: Good. (giggling)
Maddox: Man, I didn't know that was Ronald Reagan...
Dick: Classic Reagan, until the end.
Maddox: ...'til the end, yeah.
Maddox: 'Til the end.
Dick: No, I know.
Maddox: You know, Dick, so I've been doing a Twitch stream, and some people have joined the chat, and they say they're presidents in the Twitch stream.
Maddox: And one of 'em was, uh, Martin Van Buren. And -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, #8!
Maddox: Yeah, #8.
Maddox: He said, "Hey, this is Martin Van Buren. This is how I type." (both laugh)
Maddox: Doubt it, since...I don't even think they had typewriters back then, did they?
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: That's why everyone's handwriting looked cool as shit back then, 'cause they had to learn calligraphy and all that fancy...what is it, cursive? I don't know.
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: Is it cursive? Do they...? They don't teach cursive anymore in schools.
Dick: Well, I think it also has to do with, like, the pen. Like a fountain pen?
Dick: You can't write quickly with a fountain pen, or else it's like nails on a chalkboard. Like, it just fucks up when you write with it.
Maddox: Oh yeah, it just scratches...it rips right through the paper.
Maddox: Yeah. It's like a t-...it's like tryin' to write with a tattoo gun. (Dick chuckles) I know, I have a lot of experience with that. I got a comment from Sarah Hoffman. She says, "In those comic strips..." So I posted comic strips last time.
Maddox: Your "Dick in a Box" comic strips. (grins)
Dick: Where the punchline was basically "Really?" Like, I don't know if you adm-...if you know that, but it was me sayin' something...it was the setup and then me saying something, and the punchline, the third frame, was a guy goin'...givin' me a weird look.
Maddox: The guy...the look on the judge's face was like, "You're an idiot."
Dick: It was like, "Really?" (cynical)
Maddox: That's...you're...that's the...see...
Dick: It was basically "Really?" (laughs)
Maddox: That's your mind writing the punchline to that, and that's where YOUR mind went, buddy.
Dick: Yeah, don't make me write the punchline!
Maddox: Yeah? (sneering)
Dick: Isn't that what you said??
Maddox: Yeah. You know what? The punchline is obvious to everyone else, Dick. You're just projecting your "Really?" joke there. Anyway! So I wrote these, uh, I made these "Dick in the Box"...uh, "Dick in a Box" comics.
Maddox: And Sarah Hoffman says, "In those comic strips, it looks like Dick's left hand got cut off with a lightsaber." And then Andrew John Nguyen Opalewski says, "Actually, it was a boxcutter." I thought that was pretty funny. (Dick scoffs and laughs)
Dick: Oh, Jesus Christ.
Maddox: Very appropriate, yeah. Boxcutter.
Maddox: Hm? (giggles)
Dick: Do you have more?
Maddox: Yeah, I got a comment from Matt Tamasi. He says, "Reagan, the president who started trickle-down economics..." (Dick laughs)
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: "...the drug war, lowered taxes but inevitably had to raise them."
Dick: Yeah, well, you know?
Maddox: "Nice solution Dick, retard." (Dick laughs) He says, "You're just like every other dipshit who supports Reagan, impressionist idiots wooed by conservatives who prop him up as a god."
Dick: Oh my goodness. We should be so lucky. (both laugh)
Maddox: Reagan. And not to even mention the Contra Affair!
Dick: Eh, who cares?
Maddox: Oh my gosh.
Dick: Who cares?
Maddox: You know what? I care, because "Contra" is one of my favorite games, and for a brief time in the '80s, it was overshadowed by the Contra scandal.
Dick: Yeah, if it was...if "Contra" was out today, like, you know how they're kicking the, um...the Confederate flag? All Confederate flag games are now, like, banned from iTunes and video games?
Dick: "Contra" would be gone. They'd have to rename it.
Dick: To, like, "Machine Gun Guys."
Dick: "Machine Gun Brothers."
Maddox: Still...still probably just as fun.
Dick: I got one more email. This one's pretty cool. From, uh...Upton Wraung. (pronounced "rang")
Dick: "Accolades are in order," he says. "I'm keeping this short, as I hope Dick will read this, lest it be disregarded by Maddox." Uh, tip #1 when trying to make your emails short: don't tell me you're makin' it short. Just make it short. "The following attachment will be published in the prestigious JOV, Volume XX in the third quarter of 2015. I'm happy to announce it is direct proof of Maddox's logical infidelities as a direct result from Bonus Episode 9."
Dick: It's a...this is a real...you wanna see it?
Maddox: What is this?
Dick: This is a real paper. This is a scientific paper. It's formatted and typed like a real scientific paper. I don't know if that means that it is. I assume that it is.
Maddox: Okay, it says "Set Theoretic Constructions: Supersets and Degenerate Metrics for Solutions in..." Is that µ...? Subscript "s".
Maddox: Okay. Is he tryin' to say "U.S."? I don't know what...
Dick: All space, I think he's saying.
Dick: So here's his...it's a full-on 3-page academic paper, and in it he covers...here's his main points: "Dick claims 'GPS' is a solution." "Maddox claims 'Satellites' is a better solution since it is a superset."
Dick: Okay. "Dick claims 'things that fly in space' is a better solution since it is a superset." Uh, "Maddox claims that 'Physical Things' is a better solution since it is a super-..." It's very math-y.
Dick: Like, I don't know...I don't understand it.
Maddox: Wait, is this for real?? Is this a -
Dick: (interjects) This is a real paper!
Maddox: Is this guy not fuckin' around? Like, what...has this been published?
Dick: That's what he says. It's...
Maddox: You said "JOV." Hold on.
Dick: The JOV publishing... (smiles)
Maddox: The JOV? That sounds like one of those pay-for-print...pay-for-publication services, which...a lot of really shady, fly-by-night "scientists" publish their papers in it. It's not peer reviewed. This paper's not peer reviewed! This paper wouldn't stand up to muster!
Dick: It's...it's the Journal of Verisimilitude.
Dick: That sounds true. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, that sounds made up. (buzzer sound effect) Garbage. Garbage journal, garbage fans.
Dick: Well, I'm gonna put it on the site so you can read, uh, Dr. Upton Wraung's Ph.D. He's a Ph.D.
Maddox: Dr. Upton Wraung?
Maddox: You know what that spells? "U Rang." (Dick chuckles) Yeah. DUMB.
Dick: Well, I don't know. Jury's still out on that one.
Maddox: Yeah. (annoyed)
Dick: You got a solution? You wanna go first?
Maddox: Yeah! I do have a solution, Dick.
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: I have possibly the biggest solution in the universe.
Maddox: Free birth control, baby!
Dick: Oh, yeah! (giggling)
Maddox: Yeeeah! Free...free birth control!
Maddox: That's a real solution.
Dick: Alright, yeah. (smiles) It is.
Maddox: This is from the New York Times, Dick. They asked the...they posited the following question. "If teenagers and poor women were offered free intrauterine devices and implants that prevent pregnancy for years, state officials asked, would those women choose them? They did in a big way," according to the New York Times, "...and the results were startling. The birthrate among teenagers across the state plunged by 40% from 2009 to 2013, while their rate of abortions fell by 42%..."
Maddox: "...according to the Colorado Department of Public Health and Environment. There was a similar decline in births for another group particularly vulnerable to unplanned pregnancies: unmarried women under the age 25 who have not finished high school."
Dick: So less teen pregnancies?
Maddox: Less teen pregnancies, and less abortions. So people who are abortion...anti-abortion, right?
Maddox: They should start supporting free birth control! Because that reduces -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I don't know why it's not free.
Maddox: Birth control?
Dick: It seems crazy that that's not free. Like, that's the last thing we want, is more people.
Maddox: No, we want more GOOD people.
Dick: Ehh, y-... (scoffs)
Maddox: We want more responsible parents who are able to do a good job raising their kids. You know what, Dick?
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but you can't look at all that. Like, you can't analyze it and decide it. You don't have that ability. Nobody has that ability, so let's just say "less people." Like, if you don't want a baby... (stammers) Here. We'll let you not have one.
Maddox: Yeah, well...
Sean: But the dumb ones always want the babies.
Dick: Apparently not, though!!
Sean: "Oh, it'll bring us...it'll bring us closer together!"
Dick: But look at this study! It's sayin' that these chicks are lining up to get free birth control.
Maddox: Well, it's not that they're necessarily dumb. They've not finished high school. Maybe uneducated. Uneducated and dumb are two different things.
Dick: Eh... (skeptical)
Maddox: And also, poor people -
Dick: (interjects) They're usually the same. Come on. (Maddox and Sean chuckle)
Maddox: No, they're saying...so, this...the article goes on. It says, "The changes were particularly pronounced in the poorest areas of the state, like Walsenburg, a small city in southern Colorado..."
Maddox: "...where jobs are scarce and many young women have unplanned pregnancies. Taking advantage of the free program, Hope Martinez, a 20-year-old nursing home receptionist here, recently had a small rod implanted under the skin of her upper arm to prevent pregnancy for three years."
Maddox: So Dick, you had a problem with condoms a long time ago.
Dick: Well, I...
Maddox: You brought it in.
Dick: Everyone has a problem with condoms.
Maddox: That's...no. That's not true.
Dick: They're awful.
Maddox: I would rather use a condom than risk, uh, risk pregnancy. If I really thought...
Maddox: You know, if I really thought there was a chance...
Maddox: ...that, uh, the girl might ride me buck wild and not let me pull out, which can happen! (Dick guffaws)
Dick: What are you, thunder thighs?
Maddox: If I -
Dick: (interjects) Is it you're bangin' Thunder Thighs over here?
Dick: You're bangin' Lucy Lawless?
Maddox: Haven't you seen that James Bond villain? The, uh, the -
Dick: (interjects) Famke Janssen? Yeah. What was her name?
Maddox: Yeah, that's the one, yeah!
Dick: Yeah, she was hot.
Sean: She could rip your dick off if you're not careful. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: That's right, Sean! (Sean laughs) She could rip your dick off! You watch it, buddy. Get your dick ripped off in some woman's snatch!! And she could crush you with her power legs, with her thunder thighs. Yeah, man.
Dick: How do you keep it up with all these thoughts goin' around in your mind? (everyone laughs) Getting your dick ripped off in James Bond??
Maddox: Man, I'd get the biggest boner permanently. Having my dick ripped off in... (cracks up) In some thunder thigh woman. I'd be like, "Oh man, that's so hot!" Alright. Yeah, man. Um...but uh, no. But condoms aren't necessarily the free birth control they're offering here. It's intrauterine devices.
Maddox: So that's...so that's a -
Dick: (interjects) So you can't fuck it up.
Maddox: No. And it's also good for 3 years. Um, the...you know, if I had to play devil's advocate here, I would say that the only downside I see to this is potentially more people having unprotected sex, which could spur a rise of STDs. However, that's a much lower healthcare cost than a child raised without both parents, or a child raised in a poor environment, because the mother would have to go...like, if a single mom had to raise her child, she -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, it's fucked.
Maddox: She may have to work...some single moms have to work two part-time jobs, or a full-time job AND a part-time job just to make ends meet, and they're not able to stay home and supervise their children. Their children get into all sorts of stuff. In fact, Dick, here are the problems that this solves, that free birth control solves. It reduces abortions, as we mentioned, right?
Maddox: That's a huge...that's a...that should be a huge plus! Christian...the Christian right should be pounding down the doors...they should be petitioning D.C., Congress, to make this a federal mandate, I think!
Dick: You know...yeah, priests! If they would just say, "Hey, everybody calm down with birth control. It's good. Go do it."
Dick: "God invented it; use it."
Maddox: Yeah, you know, the Catholic Church gets a lot of flak because the official stance of the Catholic Church is that...they're opposed to condoms, because it's some form of birth control, right?
Dick: Ah, that's...SO weird.
Maddox: Yeah, but the...you know, the Catholic Church is also opposed to murder and stealing and adultery, and all these other things that people still do. And they're saying that Africa is really suffering because of the Catholic Church, because of their stance on abor-...on birth control, but here's the thing. People fuck all the time anyway, regardless of what the Church says. People still kill...
Maddox: ...people still drink, people still steal; they do all these things despite what the Church says. I mean, their guidelines are only going to influence people so far. I agree, they should definitely change their guidelines, but come on. You can only impugn them so much for that, because people are gonna still fuck anyway. Ch-...look at, uh, look at Africa. You know, mostly...I think they're mostly Christian, and they're still fuckin' like crazy!
Dick: I have no idea.
Maddox: It reduces STD rates. Right? That, uh, the free birth control?
Maddox: Well, if it's condoms, I guess. It reduces prison populations -
Dick: (interjects) It's not, though. It's IU-...it's...
Maddox: Intrauterine, yeah.
Dick: Intrauterine devices, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: But, uh, I mean...I'm just saying in general, if they made condoms also more readily available, that could reduce STD rates. It reduces prison populations. Right? Because kids from single-mother families are 20% more likely to end up in prison. This is from VillageVoice.com.
Dick: That's it? Hm.
Maddox: 20%, yeah. You have a 1-in-5 chance of goin' to prison if you're fr-...if you come from a single-parent household.
Dick: Wait a minute. 20% of prisoners come from a single parent, or you're 20% more LIKELY to go to prison? There's a big difference.
Maddox: This study says 20% more likely.
Dick: Okay. Yeah. (shrugs)
Maddox: Yeah. To, uh, to end up in prison, coming from a single-mother family. That's from VillageVoice.com. It also reduces runaway populations, as kids...you're 32% more likely to run away from home if you come from a single-mother household. You're 14% less likely to commit rape, according to these statistics. I don't know how they figure that one out. You're 10% less like-...I guess they look at, uh, rape...people who have been convicted of rape.
Dick: Yeah, sure.
Maddox: And then find out whether or not they grew up in single households or a double-parent households. You're 14%...excuse me, you're 10% less likely to abuse chemical substances.
Maddox: That's pretty big. You're 10% less likely to commit suicide, and you're 9% less likely to drop out of high school. So the suicide one specifically...you know, a lot of people who are gun control advocates say, "Well, there's 33,000 deaths by guns every year."
Dick: Half of them are suicides.
Maddox: More than that. Two thirds.
Dick: Two thirds??
Dick: Jesus Christ.
Maddox: So you could reduce that rate by 10% with free birth control, potentially.
Maddox: Because these kids who are growing in single-household families?
Maddox: If they weren't BORN, uh, that would reduce a suicide. By 10%.
Dick: Seems like it'd be pretty cheap, too.
Dick: To just pay for these dumb IUDs, or whatever it is.
Maddox: Yeah, it...the net effect here is, I think, wholly positive for society.
Dick: Colorado! They got all the good initiatives.
Maddox: Trailblazers! (smiles)
Dick: They're trailblazing the...21st century.
Maddox: They're blazing like crazy in Color-... (cracks up) ...in Colorado.
Dick: So can we do the...can we do, instead of "Free Birth Control," can we do "Pay Birth Control"? Like, "Ah, you know what? We'll give ya...I'll give you a thousand bucks if you put one of these IUDs in." Right?
Sean: It's like the premium package. Oh no, but in reverse!
Dick: Yeah, the premium IUD. (laughs)
Maddox: Oh Dick, you're saying -
Sean: (interjects) They pay you?
Dick: Yeah!! We pay YOU to put the IUD in.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Correct!
Maddox: That's a good solution!
Dick: More birth control!
Sean: I like this.
Dick: WAY more.
Sean: Incentivize 'em.
Dick: And we call it...
Sean: Not to make that mistake.
Dick: ...eugenics! (Maddox laughs) Right? Are you guys still on board with this? (cracks up)
Sean: Okay, Charles Lindbergh.
Maddox: Ahhh, I like it.
Dick: Charles Lindbergh?
Maddox: I'm still on board with it.
Sean: Charles Lindbergh was a huge, uh, eugenics...
Dick: Oh, really?
Sean: ...proponent. Yeah.
Maddox: What w-...was he a German guy? What was his...
Dick: Lindbergh was the...he was, like...
Sean: The first person to fly transatlantic.
Dick: ...an American flying hero. Yeah.
Sean: "Spirit of St. Louis"?
Maddox: I don't know. What was it... (stammers) What'd he do?
Dick: He was a hero of aviation. He flew across the Atlantic, and then his baby was murdered. It was a...
Sean: Mhm! (from background)
Dick: ...big story in, like, the '30s.
Sean: The Lindbergh baby.
Dick: I don't know.
Maddox: What w-...what was his baby wearing? What was his, uh...what happened?
Dick: You know, like, a little...he was askin' for it.
Dick: He was wearin' a s-... (cracks up)
Maddox: That's what I'm gettin' at.
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know.
Sean: Little sailor outfit.
Maddox: Well, look, man. If the baby...if his baby got murdered, maybe he shouldn't have been in a bar startin' trouble.
Dick: Pretty good solution!
Maddox: Oh, thanks, man!
Dick: You done?
Maddox: No, yeah. I...
Dick: You got more stats?
Maddox: Yeah, that's, uh...that's about all I have. But I agree, that's a good idea, to start paying people. You know what?
Dick: (interjects) Oh yeah!
Maddox: It's an inc-...it's an extra incentive. Why not? We pay people for eggs! Egg donors.
Dick: Yeah, a lot.
Maddox: It's like $20,000 for your eggs.
Dick: Yeah, that's what I hear.
Maddox: I got some eggs for ya. (both giggle)
Dick: You should go in. Put a wig on.
Maddox: "Heyyy!" (high-pitched)
Dick: And sell your eggs.
Maddox: "Hiiii! Check out my pussy!" (laughs to himself)
Dick: Oh, goodness.
Sean: It's too early for you to get this goofy. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Alright, that's my solution. What do you got?
Dick: It's pretty good. Uh, refrigeration.
Dick: Yeah. You know it's coming up upon, uh, Burning Man time.
Maddox: Oh, yeah. (chuckling)
Maddox: Yep! Yep.
Dick: As it does every year.
Maddox: Burning Man's coming up in, what, 2 weeks now, right?
Dick: Uhhh, eh, it's...3. 3 or 4 weeks.
Maddox: 3 or 4 weeks. End of the month.
Dick: So I'm tryin' to cram in all the things I was...I thought I'd be doing all year. Since last year.
Maddox: All the solutions?
Dick: When I get home...I get home and I'm like, "You know what would be really great, is if I built, like, an Einstein refrigerator that I could take out there to make ice like Doc Brown in Back to the Future III?"
Dick: Right? "I'm gonna totally do this. I'm gonna start drawing up the plans..."
Maddox: M'kay. (grins)
Dick: "This is in September."
Dick: "And, uhh..."
Maddox: September of last year?
Dick: And then, um...then July, mid-July rolls around and I'm like, "Oh shit!"
Maddox: Ahh. (smiling)
Dick: "Totally forgot about this."
Maddox: Yep. So -
Dick: (interjects) 'Cause you miss refrigeration when you're out there. You have nothing.
Maddox: So explain to people who aren't familiar with Burning Man -- which is no one, 'cause everyone who's listened to this show knows... (cracks up)
Dick: Aw, you just... (Maddox giggles) You go out in the desert and you...you hang out in the desert, and you have to bring all your own shit with you. There's nothing. There's no...there's no civilization out there.
Dick: It's just a f-...alkali flats, or whatever.
Dick: It's a...it's an ancient bed. Ancient lake bed.
Maddox: So what are the kind -
Dick: (interjects) There's nothing.
Maddox: What are the kinds of foods or drinks that you'd be bringing with you that refrigeration...as opposed to -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, it's a fuckin' nightmare, man!
Dick: ALL of them. Like, you gotta make all your stuff in advance...
Dick: ...and put it in a cooler and basically cross your fingers. Put a buncha dry ice in there, and as the week goes on, you go from, uh...you know, modern times, the 20th century; you go slowly backwards in time with what you're eating until by the very end, you're just shoveling handfuls of beef jerky and tuna fish out of a can into your mouth.
Maddox: Ohh, man. That...
Dick: It sucks! And that's what refrigeration has fixed.
Dick: For all of us.
Dick: It's a b-...it's a big deal.
Dick: I'll tell you HOW big of a solution it is. Way better than free birth control.
Maddox: Oh, really?? (cocky)
Dick: Alright? Who cares?
Maddox: What -
Dick: (interjects) About free birth control?
Maddox: (stammers) A lot of people care about free birth control!
Dick: So we all know that refrigeration used to be cutting blocks out of the ice, right? Like in Frozen.
Maddox: Is that...? What are you s-...? I don't know. Is that what it used to be?
Dick: The movie Frozen.
Maddox: Yeah, I've never seen Frozen!!
Dick: Yeah, yeah, yeah. You would cut out...eh, you should see it. So you can join the conversation that we're having about it.
Maddox: Oho, boy. (muttering)
Dick: You cut ice...they cut ice out of a lake bed. They fill up, you know, big shovels of snow and then take it back home. They bury it in clay pots or in ceramic pots or whatever.
Dick: And that would be your fridge.
Dick: That would be your fridge. And you would spend...just imagine...imagine what a pain in the ass it is to go shopping. Alright?
Maddox: DONE. I'm thinkin' of it right now. Huge pain in the ass.
Dick: I m-... (stammers) How much does it take? How much time does it take? Couple hou-...
Maddox: (interjects) 20 minutes.
Dick: 20 minutes to go shopping for a week's worth of f-...? Imagine you're cooking for a whole family.
Maddox: 40 minutes.
Dick: 40 minutes?! Alright.
Maddox: I'm in and out, man! And I make no list! And I am ti-...I think people who make lists are WEAK. I think they're wea-...they're lesser minds. You can't remember a few things? What d-...you can't remember a list of 10 things that you need?? These are things that you NEED, idiot. These are...you're...what are you, going shopping recreationally? Why do you need to write down...make a grocery list of things that you need? Just fuckin' remember it!
Maddox: 40 minutes. DONE.
Maddox: But you... (laughs)
Dick: (guffaws) So...
Maddox: Okay, so you're sayin' 4-...yeah.
Dick: Imagine a world where you can't save any of that. You got no fridge!
Dick: What are you gonna do with it? Set a...set it out in the open?
Dick: Pickle it? Brine it? Jar it? You're eating the same pickled shit every day? It's disgusting.
Maddox: That's what people used to do!
Dick: Yeah, it was ho-...it was awful!
Dick: 'Til refrigeration came along. Mid-1750s is when refrigeration started.
Maddox: Really? That long ago?
Dick: Well, that's when it, like, started as a thing.
Maddox: The concept.
Dick: As, like, a science.
Dick: Like, "Hey, we can...look at this. We can take a compr-...a system of compressed air..."
Dick: "...and heat this side, and it sucks cold...it sucks heat out of the other side." Right?
Maddox: There's an...yeah. There's an engine based on that, right? There's an engine that uses that same principle.
Dick: Oh, is it a Stirling engine?
Maddox: Stirling engine, yeah!
Dick: Yeah. Probably that.
Dick: I don't know. 1834, the first vapor compression refr-...uh, fridge. Ice machine in 1854.
Dick: I'm sorry, that was 1834. 1854, we got ice machines.
Maddox: They had ice in 1854??
Dick: Yeah, when was Back to the Future III? 1885, wasn't it?
Maddox: Think so, yeah.
Dick: So they woulda had...that was the ice machine that they had then. That giant contraption that shoots out, like, a little bit of ice.
Maddox: I don't remember that.
Dick: 'Cause it's very ha-...well, that's...that's why I'm bringing in refrigeration, 'cause it's so fucking hard to build a machine that works reliably to make things cold!
Dick: Like, it...it's a tremendous effort. To, like...I believe...I think I could get a satellite up in space...
Maddox: Oh, yeah? (laughs)
Dick: ...more easily than I could make an ice-making machine for Burning Man.
Maddox: He's canvassing. There it is.
Dick: You know what I'm saying??
Dick: What's canvassing? What do you mean?
Maddox: Well, you're, uh, you're pote-...'cause you're makin' a case that -
Dick: Oh, no, no, I don't care about the...the contest or whatever.
Maddox: Okay, yeah.
Dick: I'm just saying, it's an incredible amount of work! Like, in your mind, you can imagine how a satellite works. Like, you take...I don't know, solid oxygen, throw it in a rocket, do...do some, uhh... (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Do some rocket sci-...
Dick: Light it on fire... (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Do some rocket science.
Dick: I could get there eventually. (everyone laughs)
Maddox: WAY easier!
Dick: Refrigeration science, though, how does that work?!
Maddox: What? (laughs)
Dick: You got ammonia and freo-...poisonous gases leaking all over the place, and it's gotta work all the time!!
Maddox: Hey, that's why it's an expression. "I'm not a refrigeration scientist." (giggles)
Dick: It should be. It should be that as the expression.
Maddox: It's n-... (scoffs)
Dick: Rocket science, piece o' ca-...you just go up.
Dick: Go away from where you are. You'll eventually get to space.
Maddox: Yeah. It's not that hard. It's no refrigeration science. It's not like tryin' to make something cool. (both laugh)
Maddox: Oh, you know what though, Dick? That...I will give it to you; refrigerators do make things cool.
Dick: (scoffs) Great. (Maddox giggles to himself) Thank you. So before 1830, people's diets were bread and salted meat. (incredulous) Like, that's what they ate.
Maddox: Sounds kinda good. (laughs)
Dick: Once or twice! But all day? All week, every week??
Maddox: Bread and salted meat? What...that's like a beef jerky sandwich!
Dick: Yeah, every day.
Dick: Is your...this is your dream world, then.
Maddox: Sounds like heaven!
Dick: Before refrigerators.
Maddox: Yeah, man! (Dick guffaws)
Dick: That's dis-...
Maddox: Take me back to that time, baby.
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: What kinda...and what kinda bread? I bet it was, like, that real bread, too. The yeast-leavened shit? Yeah.
Dick: It says it was all French bread. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Get the fuck outta here!! It was NOT French bread.
Dick: Uh, the first couple of industries...I did like this. The first couple of industries that started using refrigeration was, uh, beer brewing, so they could brew consistent beer. Germans came in with their great beer, but they needed to use refrigeration so they could brew a consistent product all year round.
Dick: That's pretty good, right?
Dick: Meat packing, too. Meat packers used, uh...refrigeration.
Maddox: Yeah, that makes sense. Okay. 'Cause without refrigerating your beef...here's the thing. Vegetarians and environmentalists should be kissing the dick of the family members who descended from the refrigerator inventors. 'Kay? Follow that line of reasoning there. Because -
Dick: (interjects) Okay. Oh, 'cause you kill less meat?
Maddox: You kill less meat! You kill less animals, because it rots less.
Dick: Huh. Yeah.
Maddox: It rots l-...it lasts longer. You can freeze it! That shit lasts for, what...
Dick: A year.
Maddox: Mon-...a year??
Maddox: That's it?!
Dick: Yeah. Frozen meat?
Maddox: Frozen meat?
Dick: Well, then it starts to get...eh, shitty. Then I...then you throw it away.
Maddox: You just shave it off, man!
Dick: Yeah, you could just shave it off.
Dick: You're right, it's still good.
Maddox: It's still good.
Dick: It's not gonna kill you.
Maddox: So with...I wonder the impact on livestock and agriculture that refrigeration has had.
Dick: That's a good question. I didn't find that. I did find...here's some stats for you. Um...
Maddox: (Dick sound clip: "I got a stats for you.")
Dick: 1921...in 1921, there was 5,000 refrigerators manufactured. 1931, 10 years later, there's a million. And in 1950, it's in 90% of homes.
Maddox: Wait, how many years is that in between?
Dick: Uh, 10 years in between the f-...the million jump, and about 20 before the 90%. 20 years, 90%; that's a biiig solution!
Maddox: That is a big solution.
Dick: 90% of homes have it?
Dick: That's a big-ass solution. How many homes have...satellites? (Maddox spits out laughing)
Maddox: (stammers) A LOT of homes have dishes! Satellite dishe-...
Dick: I don't know! Probably a lot! Probably a lot.
Maddox: No, they have a lot of DISHES, buddy. (Dick laughs) They...they probably have a lot. You know what?
Dick: (interjects) Dish and dish network sucks.
Dick: That's satellite...there you go.
Dick: That's satellite TV.
Maddox: Yeah. N-...you know what, though? I think that, uh, that a lot of modern refrigerators rely on satellites. I don't have the stat...
Maddox: N-...no. (giggles) I'm just bullshitting. Look, man.
Maddox: Refrigeration is a big solution, and that is a big market penetration. And it is something that we can't do without.
Maddox: But you know what a refrigerator is? It's basically a box. (both laugh loudly) Haaaaa, yeah! Yeah. (applause sound effect)
Sean: Do we have to debate what a box is again on this show?
Maddox: No, 'cause we...
Dick: No, it's a box.
Maddox: It's settled! It's a b-... (cracks up)
Dick: I'll give him...I'll give him that one.
Dick: It's def-...it's an icebox.
Maddox: It's an icebox! And you know...you know what -
Dick: (interjects) It's definitely a box. You can't have a refrigerator without a box.
Dick: Right. (laughing)
Maddox: IT'S A BOX. Go vote up Boxes, people! (Dick giggles) That's what Dick's tryin' to say this episode, is that it's a BOX. And you know what's another kind of box? A vagina. Pussies are also boxes. That's true! That's a fact. Look it up. I -
Dick: (interjects) What does that have to do with this?
Maddox: I was just thinkin' about how great boxes are. (shouting)
Maddox: I could talk about boxes all day! And then people in the comments...I'm goin' back to boxes. People in the comments are sayin', "Well, uh, boxes have to be square." No, they don't! There's round boxes, there's hexagonal boxes, triangle boxes you can put posters in, and refrigerators! Another type of box. Go vote up Boxes, people.
Maddox: If you think refrigeration is a solution, you better...you bet your ASS that boxes are solutions.
Dick: Yeah, alright. (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Except Dropboxes!
Dick: Yeah, but it -
Maddox: (interjects) Fuck those!! (giggles loudly)
Dick: Yeah, but you can get boxed in, also. You don't wanna get boxed in.
Maddox: No, you don't!!
Maddox: Some boxes are problems. Like Dropboxes are problems, being boxed in is a problem...
Maddox: You don't wanna be in a militarized zone, either. A militarized box? Right? If you're boxed in by tanks?
Maddox: Like, say...what are those, howzers? What...no. What are the German -
Dick: (interjects) Howitzers? The giant guns?
Maddox: No, the ones with the guns.
Maddox: You don't wanna be boxed in by Panzers. Then you're fucked.
Dick: That's a real...specific reference.
Maddox: Well, it's a real specific box! (laughs to himself)
Dick: Transporting food? That was made possible by refrigeration.
Dick: So imagine...all these wonder-...you like a variety of foods.
Maddox: I do.
Dick: That's thanks to refrigeration. All your weird fruits that you eat?
Maddox: I do eat a lot of weird fruit. (Dick laughs) Y-...here's the thing though, Dick. 'Kay? You just brought up something that I just realized.
Maddox: I brought in, in...a couple of episodes ago on the l-...on the Problems show, I brought in Partially Hydrogenated Oils. And those were invented specifically to avoid the cost of transportation with refrigeration.
Dick: Oh yeah?
Maddox: Yeah! Because they didn't have to refrigerate that stuff, that oil that they were transporting? And the butters, and the Criscos, and...and margarines, and all these, like, weird...
Maddox: ...butters and things.
Maddox: And it has contributed to a 20% increase in coronary heart disease. Therefore, refrigeration is a killer!
Dick: No, no, no.
Maddox: Vote it down. (laughs)
Dick: Refrigeration was a good solution, and they tried to make it better and they fucked up. 'Cause refrigeration is as perfect as it gets. You can't...you can't make it any better by getting hydrogenated oils in there, or whatever.
Maddox: Well, Dick, here's what I don't understand. Did they use refrigerators on space shuttles?
Dick: Uhh...yeah! (Maddox snorts and laughs) Sure.
Maddox: Get out...no they don't!! That's why they make -
Dick: (interjects) They gotta freeze all that oxygen, don't they?? How do you think they get oxygen to be a liquid?
Maddox: It's compressed!
Dick: No, they freeze it.
Maddox: Yes! No, that's... (chuckles) They do that by...through compression!
Dick: Ah, dammit.
Sean: They put it in a box.
Dick: Yeah. They put it in a big box. (smiles)
Maddox: Yeah, it's in another box! That's what space shuttles are, essentially. They're big boxes.
Dick: Alright. So what's your point?
Maddox: Vote up Boxes. (laughs with Sean) Hey, here's the thing, Dick.
Dick: (interjects) Food is cheaper. What?
Maddox: You know what? You don't need refrigeration in space, which is where we're headed. This earth is doomed. It's fucked! The sun's gonna blow up and envelop the entire earth.
Dick: In like 6 billion years!
Maddox: No, it...
Dick: Why do you care about that?
Maddox: In like 4 billions years. (Dick giggles) And it's gonna be uninhabitable long before that! About 1 billion years, and in fact, NASA estimates 50,000 years!! So here's the thing. We're goin' up to space.
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, then they hold their hands out.
Dick: Uh-huh. (Maddox giggles) "Yeah, 50,000 years! Let's have some more funding."
Maddox: Yeah, I'm readily...I'm ready to give it to NASA, 'cause they kick ass. They got us a fuckin', uh...a probe to...on Pluto! That's amazing.
Maddox: Another satellite, by the way. And here's the thing, Dick. Once we get into space, which is where we're headed, we no longer need refrigerators, don't we? We can just cart our food around trailing behind the space shuttle, because it's cold in space. You just leave your food outside.
Dick: At zero?
Dick: At absolute zero?
Maddox: Absolute zero. (laughing)
Dick: You're gonna get a hell of a freezer burn on your steak at absolute zero kelvin.
Maddox: Ahh. I doubt it. I think that at absolute zero, steak's just fine, buddy. You just warm that thing up on the grill, you're good.
Maddox: No bacteria on your food in space!
Dick: We're not in space!! (Maddox giggles) This is not...this show is not predicated on being on Firefly. It's a real... (Maddox guffaws) Refrigeration is a real solution that happened.
Dick: And changed...changed society as we know it.
Maddox: Yeah. Well, space is the biggest refrigerator of all.
Dick: Ha, right. (sneering)
Maddox: Yeah. (about to laugh)
Dick: Made food cheaper. How 'bout that? It made pre-cut meat possible. Just walk in, grab a pack of meat. Before, you had to stand in line at a butcher.
Maddox: Man, that is...
Dick: What a disaster.
Maddox: That is a... ('ding!' sound effect) ...good point.
Dick: Less -
Maddox: (interjects) I hate lines.
Dick: Yeeeees, there we go. Less food waste! You're not wasting food. You can refrigerate it.
Maddox: Yeah. Um...yeah, that's a good point. It has brought down the cost of food. It is a big solution, Dick. I'll give you that.
Dick: How 'bout this? Vaccines.
Maddox: What about 'em?
Dick: You need refrigeration to keep your vaccines good.
Dick: So you can take 'em into the middle of Africa, or wherever...
Maddox: Fuck, I...
Dick: Or to Beverly Hills, wherever you're taking your vaccines.
Maddox: I was hopin'...I was hopin' you wouldn't bring that up, 'cause that's a really good point. I thought about it and I was like, "Eh, I'm not gonna bring this up. Fuck...fuck Dick." And then... (laughs)
Dick: Not a contest.
Dick: (guffaws) Classic "not a contest."
Maddox: No, you know, 'cause I was waiting for it, 'cause I wanted to swoop in and save your problem from the clutches of defeat.
Dick: Ohhh, yeah. (sarcastic) (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Yeah. Because everyone right now listening right now is...they have their hand hovering over Boxes or Refrigeration. They're tryin' to decide what to vote for. I think it's Boxes. They...
Dick: Boxes is not your solution this episode. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: It's always my solution.
Dick: It was... (cracks up)
Maddox: Boxes are my "Monkeys" of problems.
Maddox: Of solutions, yeah.
Maddox: Anyway, man. Yeah, that's a good -
Dick: (interjects) Refrigerators.
Maddox: That's a good...that's a good solution. Anything else on refrigeration?
Dick: So I didn't get my refrigerator ready for Burning Man. I'm gonna do it next year.
Maddox: No you're not. (Dick laughs) You're not g-... (stammers) Here's the thing. Unless you're one of those rich dickhead billionaires who fly in, from Facebook? Wach-...what are they, Wachowski brothers? No, the, um...the Vanderbilts. What are those guys?
Maddox: You know who I'm talkin' about? The Facebook twins?
Dick: The Winklevosses?
Maddox: Winklevoss! Those guys.
Maddox: The Winklevoss twins flew in last year.
Dick: Oh, they did?
Maddox: Yeah! They flew in on a private jet, and then they flew their chef from Nobu in to make sushi for them every day.
Dick: I don't... (stammers) So what? That's cool! (Maddox scoffs) Fly in? That's only like 600 bucks. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: That's completely contrary to the ethos of Burning Man.
Dick: What do you know?! You haven't been there!
Maddox: Yeah, but I read! I'm not an idiot.
Dick: Ha, you read. (sneering)
Maddox: What do you know about the...?!
Dick: You read people bitching about it.
Maddox: What do... (stammers angrily) What do you know about the 18th century? What do you know...you READ about refrigerators. You weren't there. You didn't know about these refrigerators they built.
Dick: Yeah, but in this case, I WAS in the 18th century!
Maddox: Yeah. Well, that's true.
Maddox: Burning Man is essentially that.
Dick: It's just poor people bitching about somebody having a...having opportunities they don't.
Maddox: No, it's...
Dick: Like, it's just...you're just comparing yourself to these rich people. Like, s-...so what?! So what, they can fly in on a jet and you have to wait in line for 20 hours.
Dick: So what? Like, s-...who cares?? That's their deal!
Maddox: Yeah, I TOLD you "so what?" The "so what" is that it's completely contrary to the experience. It's like going camping and saying, "Hey, um, so I'm...I went camping last week, and I brought in my contractor to build me a log cabin."
Maddox: "Yeah, it was a really good camping experience." That's not camping, shithead!
Dick: I guess.
Dick: It's your kinda camping. If you wanna do that...if you're next to this campground and you wanna bitch about Maddox's awesome, uh, casino/log cabin that he built in...off the river of a Ker-...off the Kern River, then you, you...oh... (stammering)
Dick: It's always about this comparison. Like, it..the only reason it's a problem is because people are comparing themselves to the ultra rich. Like, that's...there's this ubiquitous sentiment that, like, you have any right to compare your life to theirs. Your life is fine. Just deal with your own shit. You want a jet? I don't know, be born as somebody who has a jet. Otherwise, you don't have a fuckin' jet. It's not a big deal. Like, why are...why is everyone so wrapped up in the advantages of the super rich? So they have jets and yachts! Who fuckin' cares?? You can have fun without a jet or a yacht!
Maddox: Nonono, Dick. I think the point was lost on you. I don't think that people have a problem with them being rich. I mean, some people definitely do.
Maddox: I personally do not, because...for example, a better example, another example of this that has nothin' to do with money...
Maddox: ...is...say, for example, in video game speedruns.
Dick: God dammit. (chuckling)
Maddox: In video game speedruns... (cracks up) I have video games on the mind, 'cause I've been watching -
Sean: (interjects) A real-world example. (Dick cackles)
Maddox: (shouts) It IS a real-world example, Sean!
Dick: Maddox, you don't know...
Maddox: Shifty Sean!!
Dick: ...the principles of video games.
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick laughs) Because in a video game speedrun, it's predicated upon your skill!
Maddox: Your skill level is what matters.
Maddox: So if somebody comes in and says, "Hey guys, I have a tool-assisted speedrun. I wrote a script that blah blah blah blah blah."
Dick: So what?!
Maddox: It's not the same thing! It's NOT. The whole point -
Dick: (interjects) What, are you competing against them?
Maddox: In a video game speedrun, you are, actually. It's a competition.
Dick: But it...is their score allowed into the, whatever, n-...play? Is it allowed into sanctioned play?
Maddox: No! In that...in specific -
Dick: (interjects) No!!
Maddox: But it's also counter to the experience. Like, you could, say for example, train really hard and become a...a really strong bodybuilder, or you could get bionic exoskeletons that let you -
Dick: (interjects) You could do steroids. Let's say...
Maddox: Yeah, you could do steroids.
Dick: Let's keep it in the realm of reality, please.
Maddox: There you go. There...hey -
Dick: (interjects) You could do steroids. So I'm not pissed that some guys juice up! Like, that's their deal! They wanna look like that? The only reason I would be bitter and pissed about them looking like juiced-up monsters is because I'm envious of that. (Maddox snickers) You know what I mean? And that's...and envy is a bad thing. It's the same as, like, Burning Man when these billionaires come in and all the plebs and the normies like me bitch about it like, "Oh, where's MY yacht? I don't have...I don't have a jet! I'm pissed off! They shouldn't be able to bring their jet into MY party." (whiny voice) It's like, "Why do you care?! Why do you have to compare yourself to it?"
Maddox: It's not a comparison.
Dick: 'Cause you're fuckin' envious!
Maddox: No, because it's ruining the culture of Burning Man.
Dick: What do you kn-...?! You've never been there!!
Maddox: I READ.
Dick: And you've n-...you read WHAT?
Maddox: I read...
Dick: You read pissed off people...
Dick: ...who bitch about it.
Dick: Most people don't give a FUCK.
Maddox: Then how come everyone's such a crybaby online about it?
Dick: 'Cause it's...that's what generates clicks!
Dick: It's assholes...these people have enough free time to sit on Facebook and bitch about it.
Dick: I don't!! 'Cause I don't fuckin' care about their yachts.
Dick: Maybe I'll get...you know what? Maybe I'll get some scraps. Maybe hot chicks will go hang out at the billionaire camp. How many chicks could the Winklevosses...uh, bone, practically? You know? A couple dozen?
Maddox: A lot of 'em.
Dick: Hey, I'll get some runoff!
Dick: "Right over here, girls!"
Maddox: Yeah. (chuckling)
Dick: "You like billionaires? I'm a big liar. You...you're gonna love me!"
Maddox: Yeah. I...you know what, Dick? I have...I have pride. I will not take the table scraps of billionaire...I will not pick up the... (Dick guffaws) ...pick up their leftover PUSSY.
Dick: Yeah, right.
Maddox: Their pou-...their secondhand pounded pussy. No, thanks!! No thanks, sir. Only fresh for me.
Dick: Ohh, I'll take it all day.
Maddox: Yeah! Fresh off the boat. That's what I want. (giggles)
Dick: Nothin' wrong with it. Nothin' wrong with it.
Maddox: Alright, Dick. Speaking of nothin'...speaking of not, uh, demonizing pussy, here's -
Dick: (interjects) Tell me more what Burning Man is. (grins)
Maddox: Here's...here... (Dick and Sean laugh) No, I don't need to! (Dick laughs harder) Because there's already...there's already a consensus. This isn't....these aren't MY opinions. These are the opinions of people who go there.
Dick: It's just people bitching, though! There's NO number to back that up. Like, what is the number of people who have a problem with billionaires there?
Maddox: I mean, if I had to be real here, I would guess...
Dick: Okay. (scoffing)
Maddox: ...I would guess that that number doesn't matter. Uh, because it's -
Dick: (interjects) Why does it not matter??
Maddox: Well... (stammers) For any practical reason. It's not a p-...it's not a scene that I'm part of. I don't really care. I'm just saying if I personally had a certain type of feel for an event, and somebody came in and totally stuck their finger in the ointment, right? If there was a fly in the ointment of my event, that would piss me off! If you...it's kind of like going to, um... (scoffs) I don't know, man. It's kinda like going to a weed convention, then just doing acid the entire time.
Dick: Why don't you do something you know about? Like, do...
Maddox: I did!!
Dick: Do something with video games.
Maddox: I did! I said the video game, yeah!
Dick: The speedruns, but that has to do with competi-...that's an unfair advantage in a competition. What about just...what about somebody just enjoying a video game differently than you? You know?
Maddox: I can't...
Dick: 'Cause that's what it is.
Maddox: I can't think of an analogy that works like that.
Dick: I don't know, then.
Maddox: Yeah. I guess it would be kind of like somebody going to a movie theater and enjoying the movie by talking really loud. Okay? That...
Dick: But that's totally disrupting you!
Maddox: ...ruins...that disrupts the -
Dick: (interjects) THEY'RE not disrupting you, at Burning Man!
Maddox: It disrupts the ambiance of the theater, doesn't it?
Dick: Oh, the ambiance. Please.
Sean: You guys know a lot about Comic Con, right?
Dick: Everything. We know everything about everything.
Sean: You know ev-...yeah, exactly. (Dick chuckles)
Maddox: I've been goin' for 9 years. What's up, Sean?
Dick: Maddox knows a lot more than me.
Sean: Well, aren't people like the old school geeks pissed off?
Maddox: Yes, good...
Sean: Now that it's become kind of, like, celebrity-filled and...
Sean: It's kind of hip to be there now?
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) THAT is a good example. Comic Con! That's a perfect example of how the culture has completely shifted at Comic Con. And I hate to use the word "culture" here, but...the culture of Comic Con has shifted. It has become way more corporate and movie-driven and profit-driven. It is no longer about the exhibitors, it's no longer about comics; it's all about people going there to gawk about celebrities. It changes the focus of the event...
Maddox: ...into something else. Look man, I'm not s-...I'm...do what you want, believe what you want about Burning Man, but you run a risk of having this scene that you like shifting into something that it's not.
Dick: Yeah, but you also gotta remember that there's people there who are, uh, eco-activists? Like environmental activists, like hardcore vegetarians...
Dick: Like, people that I hate WAY more than billionaires.
Dick: And I'm fine with them being there.
Maddox: Well... (shrugs)
Dick: Even though that, like...that annoys me!
Dick: That's the whole...the whole point is letting go of what annoys you. Like, just calm the fuck down.
Maddox: Oh. Whatever goes, man! (Dick scoffs) (both laugh) Hippie ethos. (giggles) I don't...you know what, Dick? It ba-...it boggles my mind that you of all people would appreciate and enjoy Burning Man. But I have a theory on...as to why.
Dick: Don't tease! What is it??
Maddox: Nah, I don't wanna get into it. It's a h-...
Dick: Why, why, why, why, why?!
Maddox: Because it's a huge tangent. Let's talk about it on another show. Because right now -
Dick: (interjects) No!! I don't...I'm sick of teasing things for another show.
Dick: Gimme a hint!
Sean: You can't do that.
Dick: Yeah, you can't do that.
Maddox: Well, because at Burning Man, it's kind of, like, free-for-all and...uh, the stigmas about having sex is kind of dropped and you can get laid more easily.
Dick: That's why you think I go?!
Maddox: I think! I think that...it has -
Dick: (interjects) I don't think I get laid more often there.
Maddox: I think it has to do with that, and also drugs.
Dick: No. I, uh, I don't do any...well...
Maddox: Well, what do you like about it? I mean, here's the...that's why I didn't bring it up, because now we have to get into that, and it's a huge tangent.
Dick: Well, we don't...no, we don't have to... (stammers) We don't have to get...I don't think we have to go on THAT tangent.
Maddox: Well, if you had to say in a sentence what you like about it, what would you...what would it be?
Dick: Um, you're more connected to people. Like, people have, uh...people aren't rushing around in this dog-eat-dog rat race while they're out there.
Dick: They're just out there to build...big shit. And -
Maddox: (interjects) Couldn't you say the same of, like, a cruise ship?
Dick: No, because that's, like, a manufactured event.
Dick: Like, a cruise ship is all...and I used to want to go on a cruise ship, but then I saw pictures of an actual cruise ship, and it's like people being crammed onto a s-...into a sardine can.
Dick: And it's all manufactured, and it's all...it's like a guided tour. Like, I don't do guided tours of places, 'cause I don't like to sit there and be lectured by some dude who's reading off a Wikipedia page about, like, what isn't...what I'm looking at in Florence.
Dick: Right? Like, I'll just walk around on my own.
Dick: And have a different experience.
Maddox: Well... (shrugs) Alright, man. You're entitled to enjoy Burning Man however you want.
Maddox: Man. (snickers)
Dick: Um, I'll...fly my jet there one day.
Dick: Really rub it...no, but it'll be all billionaires by then.
Dick: 'Cause it will have...all the billionaires will have forced everybody out.
Maddox: Because there's nothing manufactured about a private jet. And flying in your own chefs from Nobu.
Dick: What's wrong with a fuckin' jet??
Maddox: It's just, it's not...it's...eh, well...
Dick: Go ahead.
Maddox: Whatever you explained.
Dick: What's your solution?
Maddox: Dick, the biggest solution in the universe, I think...is legalized prostitution.
Dick: I 100% agree with you.
Maddox: (applause sound effect) In fact, before the show started, we talked about our solutions, and Dick and I actually brought in the exact same solution. You, uh, you originally wanted to talk about.
Dick: Yeah, the free...the birth control one.
Maddox: Oh, the birth control one?
Maddox: Okay, n-...oh, yeah, excuse me. You...it was the birth control one.
Dick: No, 'cause it was in the news.
Maddox: Yeah. So, it was in the news a couple weeks ago, yeah.
Maddox: But legalized prostitution's actually in the news NOW, today.
Maddox: Because Amnesty International wants to legalize it.
Maddox: They want to change their official stance into legalizing prostitution.
Maddox: This is from The New York Times. "In France, England and Ireland, lawmakers are considering new measures -- and in the cases of Northern Ireland and Canada, are enforcing new laws -- that decriminalize prostitution but impose penalties on clients, using a model adopted in Sweden in 1999."
Dick: Hold on, walk me through that.
Maddox: So in 1999 in Sweden, they decided to stop penalizing women for prostitution...
Maddox: ...and start penalizing just the men.
Dick: Ohhh, what?!
Maddox: Or the clients, because not all prostitutes are female. Because they thought that it's unfair because w-...they kind of view...Sweden is a very, um, pro-feminist, progressive culture.
Maddox: And they feel that if a woman is in prostitution, it must be because she has no other choices in life, and not because she might want to pursue that avenue as an additional source of income, or as her primary source of income, because there's nothing wrong with sex. That's not Sweden's view. Sweden's view is that women who are doing prostitution or doing any kind of sex trade or sex work...
Maddox: ...must be forced into it, and therefore we shouldn't penalize them because they're already being penalized.
Dick: Oh, they're ALREADY being forced?
Maddox: They're already being forced!
Dick: Ohhh, my god.
Maddox: That's what...that is Sweden's view. (Dick sighs) And so to right that perceived wrong...
Maddox: ...they have started to penalize the clients. The customers. They think that that's the solution.
Dick: Which are mostly men.
Maddox: Well, of course. Yeah.
Dick: Of course.
Maddox: "Amnesty..." This is, again, from The New York Times. It says, "Amnesty International is advocating a new course: decriminalizing all sex work, both for buyers and sellers. At an international conference next week in Dublin, they'll vote on whether or not to advocate the elimination of all penalties for sex work, on the grounds that it is a matter of privacy between consenting adults."
Dick: Yeah, no shit.
Maddox: (applause sound effect) Amen!! Because that's exactly what it fucking is! It's nobody's business!
Maddox: If you wanna pay for sex or if you wanna prostitute yourself, what's the problem?
Maddox: You're allowed to prostitute yourself in a corporation. You can go and trade your hours sitting in a cubicle, answering phone calls like a slave. You can go to a grocery store and ring up people's bologna all fucking day long. You can work in a post office like a slave, just handing...just picking up parcels and turning around and putting them in boxes.
Dick: I mean...
Maddox: But the second you do anything sexual for money? Oh, that's a huge fucking sin, isn't it?
Dick: You can also stay married to a huge lunatic, and have to tolerate that, to...live. You know?
Maddox: It's a different type of mental anguish to be in a...you're saying if somebody was, say...you're financially dependent upon someone in a marriage.
Dick: Let's say you're a housewife. Right?
Dick: I mean...you get money!
Maddox: OR, there's sugar mamas, too. I've seen...I have some -
Dick: (interjects) Sure, whatever...
Maddox: I have some friends who are in abusive, destructive relationships just because it's financially convenient for them.
Maddox: They put up with a LOT of shit. They have women or men in their lives who completely control them, manipulate them, make them feel little and small and broken, and they put up with abuse for years. Because -
Dick: (interjects) And THAT'S legal.
Maddox: Yeah. That's...of course it's legal.
Dick: We should make this as politically correct as possible and just only say that men are prostitutes. (Maddox laughs) So we can just talk about it without having to preface everything with, "Uhh, uh, it could also be men!"
Dick: "It could also be men." (smiles)
Maddox: So, Ireland and Canada recently started enforcing new regulations. In Ireland, it's a $1500 fine, or a th-...that's 1,000 pounds, and a prison term for clients.
Dick: God DAMN. (chuckling)
Maddox: Yeah. Sweden's "penalize the customer" law has caused a 50% decline in prostitution since 1995.
Dick: Well, no... (scoffs)
Dick: I don't even buy that.
Maddox: Well... (shrugs)
Dick: Like... (stammers)
Maddox: I do.
Dick: Who's reporting that?
Maddox: Well, in Sweden...I've been to Sweden, and it's a pretty clean culture. Like, I feel completely safe in Sweden. Anywhere I go is a...it's a r-...it's SO safe. In fact, at one point -
Dick: (interjects) Would you feel less safe if there was hookers...
Dick: ...walkin' the streets?
Maddox: No, no, no.
Maddox: But just in general, Sweden's a very low-crime nation. In fact, if anyone gets murdered, it's the front page of their headlines. Their national newspaper. I -
Dick: (interjects) Outrage porn.
Maddox: At one point in, uh, in Sweden, I was walking by and I saw...I noticed that my shoelaces were untied, so I bent over to tie it next to this, um...this coffee shop, and I noticed this lady inside...babe! Total babe, by the way. Everyone in Sweden's a BABE. Even the guys. They're all babes. So... (cracks up) I noticed this lady inside the coffee shop kept peering over her shoulder at me, and I thought, "What's this, uh...? Hey baby, what's goin' on here? You checkin' me out?"
Sean: She thought you were a...she thought you were a terrorist.
Maddox: No, fuckhead! (Dick cackles) (buzzer sound effect) It's not funny, stop laughing.
Dick: Like in the IRA, you mean. Right? That kind of terrorist?
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick giggles)
Sean: (hesitates) Yeah.
Maddox: Oh, of course. That's what you mean, Sean.
Sean: Like the IRA. (Dick laughing)
Maddox: Assholes. (muttering) (Sean snickers) So anyway, this lady kept peering at me, 'cause I -
Dick: (interjects) You would be, like, an exotic man there, right?
Maddox: I am!!
Maddox: Yeah! And she was like, "Heyyy!"
Dick: "Look at this spicy, uh..."
Maddox: Yeah, look at this spicy Armenian.
Dick: "This spicy..." (giggles)
Dick: "...Armenian meat."
Dick: "I wonder...I want some extra garlic sauce with THIS guy."
Maddox: Yeeeah. I want MY sheep tended to. (Dick laughing) So... (cracks up) She wanted me to look at her flock. So anyway, man. This, uh, this lady turned around checkin' me out, right?
Maddox: And I thought, "Ohh, hey, what's up, baby?" And then, I noticed she wasn't lookin' at me.
Dick: Ohh. (disappointed)
Maddox: She was watching her baby carriage, which was right next to me outside while I was bending over to tie my shoes. She left her baby outside in a carriage outside this coffee shop, because the crime rate is so low. It's just a thing in Sweden.
Dick: Were you in the south of Sweden?
Maddox: I was in, uh, an area called SoFo, I believe.
Maddox: It's a very hipster-dense area. But no, it was in Stockholm. This was in Stockholm.
Dick: Well, that sounds like a...that sounds like a stupid thing to do even if it IS safe.
Dick: Leaving your baby stroller outside?
Maddox: No, but people...it's...the crime is so low, nothing ever happens in Sweden. That's why they...you can leave your fuckin' baby anywhere you want. (Dick laughs) Sweden's a baby-safe country. Big problem.
Maddox: BABIES. Yeah. Anyway, man. Which ties into -
Dick: (interjects) So when did...do you have stuff on why prostitution started to be illegal?
Dick: Do you have that anywhere in there?
Maddox: No -
Dick: (interjects) I don't wanna rush you, but...
Maddox: I mean, it's, uh... (exhales) I...it has to do with puritanical beliefs, but here's what I...why I w-... (scoffs) Here's what I wanted to read from The New York Times. They said, "Amnesty International argues that sexual desire is a fundamental need and that punishing buyers 'may amount to a violation of their right to privacy and undermine the rights to free expression and health.'" So, there's a lot of people in the world who have sexual dysfunction, and sexual dysmorphia, and all sorts of, uh, sexual phobias and things because they...for a number of reasons.
Maddox: It could be psychological, it could be...uh, environmental, it could be institutional. It could...for a number of reasons, people have sexual problems, and sometimes they go to sex workers to experiment with sex and try to come over their...overcome their fears. There was a movie about that, with, uh...
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: What's her name, Sandra...? No, what's her name, from...Countdown? You know who I'm talkin' about?
Sean: Jack the Ripper.
Maddox: No, NOT... (Dick cackles) Fuck...Sean!! (buzzer sound effect) Shitting all over my problem!!
Dick: No, it was called SpongeBob 3D. I remember that movie.
Maddox: NO, ASSHOLE. Anyway, they said that "The group also cites the benefits for buyers with physical and psychological disabilities who feel safe to express their sexuality..."
Maddox: "...and to develop a stronger sense of self with their relationships with sex workers, improving their lives to enjoyment and dignity."
Dick: I love when you can find, like, a real obscure reason where sex work should be allowed, and then you can...like, a real ultra-PC version of why it should be allowed, and then cram it in their face. Even though you know, like, most prostitution is not that.
Maddox: It doesn't have to be, but you know what? This is -
Dick: (interjects) Right!! That's what I love.
Maddox: That's all you need. Yep!
Dick: When it's, like, one little tiny bit.
Dick: You're like, "Oh, you see this? Ahh, you can't deny that, so we're gonna let everybody throooough." (grins)
Maddox: Because it's exactly like legalizing marijuana. The majority of the fuckheads just wanna smoke and get high, but there are a few people -
Dick: (interjects) Ohh, they're "fuckheads" now?
Maddox: There are a few...oh, they're fuckheads!
Dick: Why are they fuckheads? (laughing)
Maddox: (yells) You think they're fuckheads too! You...they annoy you!
Dick: What do you think about guys who go to prostitutes, then? Lemme ask you THAT.
Maddox: I don't have a problem with it. I've never gone...I've -
Dick: (interjects) Okay, interesting!
Maddox: I've never gone to a prostitute.
Dick: Me either. And -
Maddox: (interjects) And I wouldn't!
Dick: Every girlfriend I've ever had has asked me that, and then none of them believe that answer.
Maddox: I'm always shocked a little bit when I find out one of my friends has been with a prostitute.
Dick: Ohh, really?
Maddox: Because every now and then, I'll be...it'll come up in a conversation. Oh, here's a funny story. So when I was on book tour for The Alphabet of Manliness, I believe the first time, I was in Austin, and I got in a taxi cab and I was goin' on my way to the airport, and, you know, the...sometimes the cab drivers are bored, and they wanna make a little small talk. This was in the springtime, I believe, and the cab driver turned around and goes, "Oh man, lotta pretty ladies out there." I'm like, "Yeah!", 'cause we just passed this flock of beautiful women, and he goes, "Yeah, I love...I love what they wear in the summertime." I'm like, "Yeah, man."
Maddox: And so then he goes, "Ain't no shame in payin' for it." (both crack up) And I, uh, I just kinda looked down and looked out the window, you know, rolling my eye...like, lookin' up at the ceiling, whatever, and just hoping that was the end of the conversation. He goes -
Dick: (interjects) Ohh no, you've just begun. (grins)
Maddox: Ohhhh, man. It...the WHOLE ride to the airport: "Yup, ain't no shame in payin' for it." And he just kept going on and on. He said, "You know what? It's better than the alternative!" And I thought, "Wh-...?"
Dick: What's the alternative?
Maddox: I don't know!! I didn't ask -
Dick: (interjects) NOT paying for it? And not getting it?
Maddox: I don't know what he was implying.
Dick: Being ashamed of paying for it?
Maddox: I don't know what he was implying.
Sean: No, think bigger and more aggressive.
Maddox: Yeah, that... (Dick laughs loudly) It COULD be.
Dick: I think you're right.
Maddox: Right? It could be...
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: It could be that, but it also could be the alternative is dating. That's also awful.
Dick: I mean, yeah, that's awful. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Dating's the worst! The w-...
Maddox: Here's the thing, man. Dating is the long game of prostitution, essent-...if you...if all you're going into a relationship is for sex, and you don't ever intend to date that person, then...
Maddox: It's this kind of, like, long dance that we do as a society, where...I know people...I know women in my life who will not put out until the third date, regardless of whether or not they end up continuing to date the person.
Dick: Yeah, they always do, though.
Maddox: And so -
Dick: (interjects) They have that rule, but they do.
Maddox: Yeah, well, of course. Yeah, of course they do.
Maddox: I mean, they're...when they're with ME, panties drop, baby. Yeah, they...they can't control themselves!! That's what I meant to... (giggles)
Dick: I didn't mean to turn this into a sandbox, but go a-... (laughs) Go ahead.
Sean: They get caught in the bicycle handlebars. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: SHUT...shut the fuck up, Sean!!! (buzzer sound effect) Sean, every single...I'm tired of this!!
Dick: These bicycle handlebars are ribbed for your pleasure. (grinning)
Maddox: Sean, edit yourself out of the episode! Every single thing you've said this episode's PISSED ME OFF. (Dick and Sean laugh) Alright. So anyway, man...uh, yeah, but a lot of times these women are disappointed, because after they put out the guy stops calling them, and they...blah blah blah blah blah.
Maddox: Because you have built up so much of this pretension about sex and so much expectation, and when it doesn't pan out the way you want, then suddenly the guy's the bad guy and women are less likely to put out, blah blah blah. If everybody -
Dick: (interjects) Nyeah, a lot of times they're just, like, really selfish and shitty in bed, and you're like, "What am I doin' busting my hump tryin' to t-...tryin' to bang this girl when she's not any good at it?"
Maddox: Here's the thing, Dick. Everybody likes and enjoys sex.
Dick: Uhh... (skeptical)
Maddox: And it's something that everybody wants.
Maddox: We all fucking want it.
Dick: We all want it.
Maddox: Why don't we just get over this whole pretension, this huge hangup that we have about sex, and just admit that we all want it and just do it more often?
Dick: It's very weird that there's not outrage, that there isn't a moral outrage about prostitution being...illegal. Because it's definitely just a way to control what women do with their bodies. Right?
Dick: It's 100% that.
Maddox: Yeah. So -
Dick: (interjects) The biggest, most ubiquitous way we control women and what they do with their bodies, and there's this...and I think most people see it as good, that it's illegal.
Maddox: It's a huge shame. It's...
Maddox: It's kind of like male circumcision. We talked about female genital mutilation, but male circumcision is something that we see as kind of a positive, and...there's really not many benefits to it. But anyway, that's another discussion.
Maddox: Um, they...this New York Times article goes on. It says, "Amnesty also sides with the argument, made recently by sex workers in France, that penalizing customers would drive prostitution further underground, making the workers more vulnerable to dangers." That's absolutely true. And Dick, you and I have friends who are porn stars, right?
Maddox: One of my good friends is Ela Darling. She was a guest on the live show, and she'll probably be a guest on one of our future episodes. She is a porn star.
Maddox: And she is a sex worker, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. And it...I have seen...I've been out there in public with her when she gets recognized, or when she tells people what she does.
Maddox: And they...and it's a...it's the entire gamut of reactions to it, from shame to...uh, encouragement, to fascination, but -
Dick: (interjects) And weird fascination.
Maddox: Well, yeah.
Dick: Like, "Alright, calm down."
Maddox: Yeah, yeah. But yeah, there's absolutely nothin' wrong with it, and this demonization of it is appalling. But you know what, Dick? You know who IS opposed to this?
Maddox: This is from The New York Times, too. Excuse me, this is from ChristianPost.com.
Maddox: But it's not who you think. A letter written by Anne Hathaway, Kate Winslet, Meryl Streep, Gloria Steinem, the Salvation Army, the Sisters of the Good Shepherd, and a ton of reverends denounced the push by Amnesty International to legalize prostitution.
Dick: Of course they do! Yeah. Are you surprised by th-...? All those actresses are saying prostitution should be illegal.
Maddox: Those actresses think prostitution...they want to further control women's bodies. It says here in The New York Times, "'It really undermines the whole concept of human rights to call it the right of a man to buy another human being for sex,' said Jessica Neuwirth, a former Amnesty member and founder of the Equality Now group, an international women's rights group based in New York and London." Yeah, so these...these women, these celebrities, have come out denouncing Amnesty International, and they are completely opposed to legalizing prostitution, which is a huge problem. I think -
Dick: (interjects) Well, most of them trade on sex anyway.
Maddox: Oho, yeah, of course.
Maddox: Kate Winslet??
Maddox: Wasn't she in Titanic?
Dick: You'll see.
Maddox: Hah, I will NOT. I will fucking not see! (Dick laughs) But she showed her tits in Titanic!! That was a sexual scene, by the way.
Maddox: She got banged in the back of a car! I know that 'cause I saw...I watched it, and you don't have to play it anymore.
Maddox: Yeah! (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Kate Winslet!!
Dick: So lemme ask you something. Y-...
Maddox: (interjects) (yells) This woman! This woman has the balls...she has the audacity to criticize people for sex work when she appeared in a nude scene in Titanic?! A movie where she pretended to fornicate in the back of a car? Or maybe she did, who knows??
Maddox: But she...she's having sex for money, on camera! Yet she has the balls, she has the audacity to criticize sex workers? Fuck you, Kate Winslet!
Dick: So what -
Maddox: (interjects) Fuck you and your gorgeous, perfect tits. FUCK you.
Dick: What would happen if it was legal? 'Cause there's a lot of human trafficking that goes on just getting these hookers into the country.
Maddox: You know what w-...
Dick: (interjects) A lot of human trafficking is...is that.
Sean: Refrigeration helps.
Dick: R-... (chuckles) Is that true, Sean?
Sean: (exhales) I don't know.
Maddox: What are you talkin' about, Sean?
Dick: Human trafficking.
Sean: You know, to transport them.
Maddox: Yeah, that's what I thought. That's what I was afraid you were talkin' about. Dead or alive?
Sean: No, alive!
Maddox: Oh. Of c-... (chuckles) Of course, alive.
Dick: How much you payin'? (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Not enough, you get a dead one. (laughs more)
Sean: Dead? That's perverse!
Maddox: Well actually, Sean...so what they're saying, these women who are opposed to...
Maddox: And the reverends who are...well, the reverends and the Christian groups are opposed to prostitution, be-...on religious and moral grounds.
Maddox: Because they think that there's something inherently evil or bad about sex, and I think that...if I had to wager a guess, and I will because I'm a smart guy, I think that society...waaay way way back in the day, somebody got an STD or something from having sex, and it was a big problem, and they noticed that this problem that they had was warts on their dick or vaginas, and herpes and chlamydia and all these things that went around throughout civilization happened when they had sex. And so there was a stigma attached to it, and they thought, "Well, we better not have sex, because this bad thing can happen to you and it can kill you." And that has probably...
Dick: Oh, that's why you think...
Maddox: ...poisoned the well.
Dick: ...religious groups are anti-sex?
Maddox: I think that it comes...all these puritanical apprehensions to sex...
Maddox: ...probably come from a long time ago people not understanding how disease was transferred, and they just associated act 'A' with consequence 'B.'
Maddox: Just like people who danced for rain. They had a big dance one day and it rained the next day, so they think that rain dances work!
Maddox: That's my guess.
Dick: Do you think that those women think it just cheapens women? To have legalized prostitution?
Dick: 'Cause I...I kinda think that most women who think it should be illegal just kinda think that it does.
Maddox: Well, it...
Dick: Like, a...they just kinda feel like that and they're just, like...they wrap up all the, uh, social consequences and the crime and this...they wrap all that around this little core feeling of -
Sean: (interjects) But it's really their problem.
Dick: It's really their problem.
Dick: Like, "Well, it makes me feel cheap, so I don't want it."
Maddox: It's not. I think it's...it, uh -
Dick: (interjects) You think there's no credit...there's no credence to that? You give no credence to that?
Maddox: Well, I...maybe some women do feel that way. But I think that it commodifies sex, which is a good thing, because...
Maddox: If women...beca-...well, here's the thing, man.
Dick: (interjects) YOU, though.
Maddox: Here...no, here's the thing. Here's the thing. If, as a man, all you are interested in doing is having sex...
Maddox: Which, there's nothing wrong with that. You're able to go onto Tinder and find a girl who's also willing to have sex, and vice versa!
Dick: Well, good luck.
Dick: Not on y-...not in your league.
Dick: You can find 'em 3 or 4 leagues under you that are willing to bang right away, but... (Maddox laughs) ...fffuckin' Tinder. It's like shooting fish in a barrel. It's like shooting pigs in a barrel. That's Tinder.
Maddox: Ohhhh, wow. Ouch. Uh, I...no, I've, uh, I've had some, uh...some luck on Tinder. But... (Dick scoffs) Here's the thing, man. If you, as a woman, or man, if you go on Tinder and you just want to have sex, you can find that partner to do so. No strings attached, no...no apprehensions, no problem, nothing...there's no crime attached to it.
Maddox: But if you do that exact same thing and then say, "Plus, I'll give you 20 bucks," or "Plus, I'll...I'll give you 50 bucks," whatever.
Dick: Little somethin' for the ride home.
Maddox: R-... (laughs)
Dick: "So you gotta Uber over here. Here's a little somethin' for..."
Maddox: That then becomes illegal. That's the crime. (Dick guffaws) It's just the exchange of money.
Maddox: And I think it's probably because, uh, it's...if I had to also wager another guess, it may be because governments can't really find out how much money is being changed hands...is changing hands here, and they can't really tax that.
Dick: Nooo, 'cause the subcontractors have to report how much they make. Like, that...every...every tradesman works under that.
Maddox: Well yeah, but prostitutes don't do that, because it's illegal!
Dick: Well, sure.
Maddox: It's another one of these marijuana, uh...
Maddox: That if prostitution were legal, it could be taxed.
Dick: You know what should be illegal? Posting deceptive pictures of yourself on Tinder.
Maddox: That's true.
Dick: Like, if you block out a couple of those chins? That should be illegal. That should be a crime.
Maddox: You know what? There could...that could be addressed through better education of men to realize when you're dealing with a faker. And usually you can tell because it's a top-down photo and they're looking up, which makes everyone look really good.
Dick: You sayin' I'm askin' for it? 'Cause I don't have that...education?
Dick: Hey, so if you put up a camera, you can get away with it. Right? You flip your camera over, you record your, uh, prostitution session? Then it's shooting a porno.
Maddox: Then it's shooting porno...see, that's where the law gets fuzzy!
Dick: Is it?
Maddox: Why is prostitution illegal, but pornography is not??
Maddox: Pornography is just fine, apparently. We all ha-...we all are okay with THAT.
Maddox: But as soon as you pay a woman to have sex with you, and it's not being recorded, huge crime.
Maddox: Maybe it's a way that judges get off. Maybe they just wanna see everyone bang, and so they...they keep it illegal because they wanna watch ya. "Hey hey hey hey, uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, you can't exchange hands! Money can't change hands unless I'm watchin' ya." There we go. (chuckling)
Maddox: So judges can jack off. That's why prostitution's illegal. Vote it up! Legalized prostitution, huge solution.
Dick: Alright. I got a sex-related solution. Lotta sex problems in this episode. Uh, illustrated condoms.
Dick: Illustrated...this is my own solution.
Dick: Alright? This is one that I brought in that I invented.
Maddox: Oho, yeah?
Dick: Check this out.
Sean: Like "this end up" or something?
Dick: Exactly right, Sean.
Sean: No way.
Dick: Yes! Exactly right. Because what do you pull...? You pull the condom out, and it's just a fuckin' circle. Right? How the hell do you know which end is...end goes on?? You know what I'm saying?
Sean: I do.
Dick: Everybody knows this, right? This is a problem for men AND women alike. You pull that fuckin' thing out, you're flipping...you try to put it on, it...it's not working, so you try to turn it over and put it on, only to find that the other way was the correct way.
Sean: I don't know if I've had THAT amount of trouble, but... (chuckling) But yes.
Dick: I've had so much trouble that I've thrown the condom away, and tried to not use one, and then had to go open another one.
Maddox: Sean, you're -
Dick: (interjects) That's how big of a problem this is.
Maddox: You're talking to the guy who has a problem putting on his bedsheets correctly.
Dick: Yeah! (background laughter)
Maddox: And that's not even on his dick. That's just onto the bed.
Dick: 40...40% of men say they've, uh, lost erections...
Dick: ...trying to use condoms.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) Huge problem. That is -
Dick: (interjects) 40% of boners!
Dick: Boners that are about to be USED, man!!
Dick: That's the most valuable t-...kind of boner there is.
Dick: Right? 40%! So this is what I'm saying. Right? You got the condom, right? You pull it out of the wrapper; impossible to tell which way it goes on.
Maddox: Well... (shrugs)
Dick: What...how do you tell?
Maddox: Usually -
Dick: (interjects) Which way the reservoir is pointing?
Maddox: The reservoir, yeah.
Dick: That soggy little sh-...stupid thing that's...? Like, this is...and now I gotta look at this sad, soggy, wilting little thing? That's already...already a problem.
Dick: Already having to jump over this mental hurdle.
Maddox: And it could bounce a different way, too.
Dick: You mean the...the n-...
Maddox: (interjects) The reservoir, yeah.
Dick: The nip-...yeah!
Dick: Exactly. So now you're solving a Rubik's Cube of a condom.
Dick: Trying to put it on. What if...what if it had, like, a little message written on it that could only be read one way? 'Cause it's kinda see-through! Right? Why don't they just print something on it? Like "Have a nice day!"
Maddox: Like the number 8. Like the number 8.
Dick: No. No, no, no, no. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Something that ca-...is the s-...is only one way.
Dick: Yeah, that's a great solution, man! 40% of erections!!
Maddox: Well, here's the thing, Dick. I think I know why they don't do that, and it's because it compromises the structural stability of the condom.
Dick: Who cares?!
Maddox: Tha-...that... (scoffs)
Dick: So they break more often! Even better!
Maddox: N-... (Sean snickers) Dick! No, man. That's even worse!! If you have a condom break in, uh, in use? Oh man, you're in Babyville!
Dick: What are you, like, a c-...a condom, uh, purveryor over here?? You know about structural integrity of condoms? They're makin' them ribbed and glow-in-the-dark, they're putting vibrating shit in them now.
Dick: They can't print...yeah! Which part of that do you not know about?
Maddox: They got...they got vibrating condoms now?
Dick: Yes, they have a whole vibrating condom system now. It's got, like, a w-...I've never used one. I just saw it in the store.
Maddox: Yeah. You know what, Dick? Just a real quick aside about condoms. My book was not carried in...I believe in Target, when it first came out? The, uh, The Alphabet of Manliness?
Maddox: Even though it was a New York Times bestseller, I...you know, they didn't carry that book. Walmart specifically ignored it, but, uh...you know what Target does carry? They have "Fifty Shades of Grey" branded cock rings. (Dick giggles) Yeah. (chuckling)
Maddox: Oh, yeah! It was in the Tupperware aisle at the local Target. I have a picture of it. They just have a huge array of -
Dick: (interjects) Did it say "cock ring"?
Maddox: Oh yeah, they were cock rings!
Dick: Did it say "cock ring" on it?
Maddox: Uh, I think it said "penis rings." But yeah, they were...they were cock rings. They were selling vibrating cock rings. Fifty Shades of Grey.
Dick: Are you serious?!
Dick: At Target?
Maddox: I got pictures of it!
Dick: That wasn't a joke somebody put up there?
Maddox: No! It was right next...and it was there for weeks! While the movie was in theater.
Maddox: Yeah, you wanna buy a crock pot? How 'bout a cock ring? Mhm.
Dick: Yeah, I didn't know about that.
Maddox: No, but yeah, I didn't know about the vibrating...so Dick, I really do worry about the structural integrity. Maybe that's a solution that the engineers can solve.
Dick: Ohh, come on. They're...yes, of course.
Dick: They're engi-...if they're making virtual reality for you, where you can be a pretend superhero with six arms and fuck yourself, I'm...I think they could print on a condom.
Maddox: Yeah, okay. Um, yep, maybe!
Sean: It could be, like, some water-based ink or something that's like, uh...
Dick: Yeah, it doesn't even have to soak into the latex!
Sean: No, it -
Dick: (interjects) It could just sit there!
Sean: It can come off.
Dick: That would be even funnier if it did. That would make me even harder.
Dick: This is a great...I should patent this.
Dick: I think I've just come up with a condom revolutionary idea. On this show.
Dick: You seem very d-...uh, suspicious of this.
Maddox: Yeah, I -
Dick: (interjects) You're not on board at all.
Maddox: I'm really, really...look, I...I will agree to this solution with a little bit of trepidation, because I'm really worried about the structural integrity of that condom. 'Cause most -
Dick: (interjects) Maddox, obviously, we'll test it.
Maddox: Most of the time... (chuckles) Most of the time, when they...when any kind of, like, latex or balloons or anything, if you write on them, the place that they give, the weakest place, is where you wrote on it or wherever it's imprinted, or wherever there is that band or any kind of...uh, divot or whatever. I don't think the ribs are as much of a problem -- because some condoms are ribbed -- because they're on the side, not the part where...that's getting pounded.
Dick: Yeah, but it's...they're colored! They have colored condoms.
Maddox: Yeah, but that color is the dye of the latex. It's not, like, imprinted on top of the...the condom.
Dick: Then do that.
Maddox: I guess if they thickened...I don't know, man. This might be a manufacturing problem.
Dick: You are a real...you...man, you are a real naysayer.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Dick: I...yeah. This is a real...this is a real innovation that I'm tryin' to get off the ground here.
Sean: How are we ever gonna live in space?
Dick: Yeah! With guys like you. "Ehhh, I don't know if you can write on a condom or not." (Maddox snickers) "Uh, seems unsafe."
Sean: So if they solve that, are you cool with it? (Dick laughs)
Maddox: If they solve that problem, I'm totally on board. Because, you know, I...when you were talkin' about going to open the condom and trying to figure out what side...Dick, it's pointless. It's irrelevant, because by the time I've done all that, my boner's gone.
Maddox: It kills boners!
Dick: That's what happens to these 40% of guys.
Maddox: Yeah. Every single time a chick's like, "Oh, uh, maybe you should get a condom." Yeah, alright.
Maddox: "Hang on, lemme go to my...lemme go get my, uh, my condom r..." (both laugh) "Let me get my condom real quick, and..." (sad 'sproing' sound effect)
Dick: "Let me get the instruction manual out."
Sean: Do you say "no" and hit her with a newspaper? (Dick and Maddox laugh) "NO!" (scolding)
Dick: No, I got a spray bottle. (Sean and Maddox laugh) Digital age. I'm not gonna hit her with an iPad. Get outta here.
Maddox: Yeah man, condoms are boner killers. I... (stammers) Countless boners of mine are GONE. Gone!!
Dick: Look, I invented this.
Dick: I invented this right now.
Maddox: Yeah. (grinning) Uh-huh.
Dick: Okay? Have you ever seen it before?
Dick: No! It should be on every condom.
Dick: Every condom should say something, like, sexy on the front. Like, "Get ready for..." (chuckles) "One...next stop, Tuna Town!" or something like that.
Dick: So that, like, I open it up and I'm like...
Dick: "Oh, I can read it! Alright, that means it's...that goes on facing her. Done."
Maddox: Well Dick, here's a better solution that takes no engineering. Why would they have to roll up the condom? Can't they just, like, scrunch it up into a condom wrapper and just...and you take it out and it just flops the direction it's supposed to go?
Dick: You mean unrolled?
Maddox: Already unrolled!
Dick: Then you can't get it on!
Sean: Like, put a slinky in it. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Ye-...no. No, Sean.
Sean: Oh, no? That's not what you're saying? (smiles)
Dick: Wait, what do you mean, have it...like a sock??
Dick: Like a tube sock?
Dick: Then you can't get it on your dick!
Maddox: Why? Oh, yeah, no.
Dick: Uh, because it's too tight!
Maddox: Yeah, that's a good point. Okay.
Dick: Oh, your condom solutions are way worse than mine, buddy. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Okay. What about...oh, HERE'S the fuckin' solution.
Dick: You know what? No, here's the solution. (chuckling)
Dick: One si-...the...one side of the package looks like a brick wall?
Dick: Like when the Kool-Aid Man breaks through? So you just shove your dick through it. (everyone laughs) And then...then a Kool-Aid Man is on the tip of the condom, printed, and it says, "OH, YEAH!" Right? (background laughter)
Dick: Oh, man. Never another lost erection. (laughs)
Maddox: I was gonna say something similar, actually. What if they just printed it right on the package, and then just, like, uh...you know, drew a little illustration? Like a UFO that's, like, landing on your dick?
Maddox: And then you put that on the bottom side, so you rip...rip up the package, just take it right out, same dimensions. You just put it right on your dong.
Dick: Yeah. Also good. Not as good as the Kool-Aid Man con-...maybe I should just call it "Kool-Aid Man condom."
Maddox: The Kool-Aid Man condom. Yeah, eh, ok-...that could work.
Dick: Alright, anyway, those are my solutions.
Maddox: Okay. Um, good solutions. (hesitant) (Dick giggles)
Dick: You're the...this is the least enthused I've ever heard you about ANYTHING. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: This is a revolutionary step in condom design.
Maddox: Well, Dick, I think you're... (stammers) I am so frickin' worried of somebody doing this.
Dick: Why are you so worried about this?!
Maddox: 'Cause it will...
Dick: Wait, who??
Maddox: ...weaken the structure of the condom, and next thing you know, you got a baby.
Dick: But wha-...who are you worried about doing this?
Maddox: Engineers fuckin' up!
Dick: Wha...?! They have to test this shit all the time!! They can't have, like, condoms breaking left and right. That'll ruin their name!
Maddox: Yeah, but how do you te-...
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, they don't want lawsuits.
Maddox: Yeah, but how do you test this thing? 'Cause condoms DO break all the time.
Dick: How do they test it?!?
Dick: You got a fake squirting dildo, and you put a condom on it!!
Maddox: Oh yeah, okay. (everyone cracks up) Yeah, that's a good point. I didn't think -
Dick: (interjects) Get a couple whose, like, tubes are tied!
Dick: And have them test it and then, whatever. They got strips for residual...jizz. (guffaws) I don't know. (heavy metal theme riff starts)
Maddox: Well, alright, Dick. You thought of everything. (Dick giggles) Um...my solutions this week were Free Birth Control and Legalized Prostitution.
Dick: Mine are Refrigeration and the Kool-Aid Man Condom. (cracking up) (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Thanks for listening. Vote up these solutions. Boxes!!
(heavy metal theme riff)
Voicemail (male caller): Temperance? You FUCKING asshole. (Dick and Maddox laugh) Maddox, this is Ben Franklin calling you.
Voicemail: I'm pretty pissed off, because you gave a movie 100 stars out of 5, and you're gonna talk to people about temperance.
Voicemail: You want more examples of times that you have fucking been hyperbolic, that you have been intemperate? You fuck! (Maddox laughs) Dick, go fuck yourself.
Maddox: Hey, dickhead!! You know how many movies I've given 100 stars out of 5? Literally one! That's temperance. That's moderation, dickhead. I don't give EVERY movie 100 out of 5 stars, do I??
Maddox: That's not temperance! And -
Dick: (interjects) You shoulda called it...oh, go ahead. Sorry.
Maddox: Yeah! No, you know what, Dick? Some people...someone mentioned this, too. Your problem with temperance last episode was...you were like, "Oh, euh, if people are temperate too much, then, uh, no one will ever experiment, and blah blah blah blah blah!" (dumb voice)
Dick: That's how I sound. (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: You said...you said that, uh, that people are always temperate. That's not temperance! Moderation in moderation. Everything in moderation, including moderation. And someone sent that to me in a quote, and I couldn't agree more. Because without -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, I hate that quote. Fuck that.
Maddox: Without moderation...no, because without moderation in moderation, that eliminates the possibility that sometimes you take risk, sometimes you take a gamble, and sometimes a good thing can come of that. So everything in moderation, including moderation. Fuck you, Ben Franklin. Fuck you in the grave.
Dick: That's such a...that's such a smug saying.
Maddox: Yeah. (muttering)
Dick: (obnoxious voice) "Everything in moderation, including moderation." I think...I think Dr. Phil might've said that TO me. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: What does that have to do with anything?? I'm no Dr. Phil, buddy! I'm Dr. Maddox.
Dick: I...why did you call it "temperance," though? Like, that has a very religious connotation to it.
Maddox: Yeah, it kinda does. I wish -
Dick: (interjects) You should've called it "moderation."
Maddox: I wish I would've called it "moderation." You know, I may go back. Maybe I'll just update the, uh, the problem. Er, the solution.
Dick: And then you were talkin' about, like, forgiving and shit?
Maddox: Yeah, because it has...temperance does have a religious connotation.
Dick: Fuck forgiving.
Maddox: Because every major religion and many philosophies in the world have that element of it. I explained it in the last episode, blah blah blah blah blah. But yeah, it's moderation, essentially.
Dick: Hmm. Well -
Maddox: (interjects) Someone had a problem in the comments. They said that temperance is specifically a word used with connotation...
Maddox: ...in the Prohibition.
Dick: Definitely. It was...
Dick: ...called the temperance movement.
Maddox: Was it really?
Maddox: Garbage. (Dick plays next voicemail)
Voicemail (male caller): Listening to the most recent Solutions episode, and it's...Maddox, you're making me fucking crazy with this business with the corporation stuff.
Dick: Oh, no. (Maddox chuckles)
Voicemail: But I like this idea that if a corporation doesn't, uh, buy a baseball team uniforms, it has made what is obviously a PR move tryin' to sell cars, for example. You know, of Honda. (Maddox makes dumb noises mocking his voice) That somehow, right behind them in line to do the job would be, uh, just an anonymous...just an individual, like Mark Jones. "Hey everybody, it's Mark Jones! For no reason, I'm buying the local baseball team all their jerseys." The only fucking people who benefit, who have something in...who have some skin in the game, between marketing, advertising, PR, exposure, tax benefits, all that shit, are FUCKING COMPANIES!!
Dick: He goes on. Wanna hear the...?
Maddox: Nooo. (annoyed) (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: Corporations are just an entity that lets people have some security...
Maddox: I wish a c-...
Dick: That's true, though!
Maddox: I wish a corporation would sponsor a better phone for this dickhead. (Dick laughs)
Voicemail: ...and a level of risk in the world. So that if God for-fucking-bid somebody wants to create a job...
Maddox: Oh, my GOD. (Dick laughs more)
Voicemail: ...stick their neck out to the world and say, "I don't know, man, I think I can build a fucking company! I would LOVE it, if I fail, that I don't lose my house, my car, and my...and..."
Maddox: I would love it if this guy failed his phone call right now.
Voicemail: "...and everything else in my life, just because I had the audacity (Dick cracks up again) to try to make, uh, the world... (Maddox groans) ...a slightly better place by creating some employment in my community."
Dick: Moderation on voicemail.
Maddox: Oh, my gosh.
Voicemail: I don't think that (inaudible). And remember, ALL of this shit comes from, uh, the need for corporate infrastructure. It doesn't come from other corporations. It comes from the individual!
Dick: He's well-spoken.
Maddox: What the fuck is he talkin'...?!
Voicemail: The shitty, piece-o-shit individual...
Dick: Go ahead. What? (smiling)
Voicemail: ...who sues 'cause they fucking pretended to slip and fall. (Dick laughs) Because of this, because of that, because of all the malicious fucking lawsuits.
Voicemail: THAT'S one of the biggest fuckin' problems in the universe.
Dick: Perfect...I mean, he wraps it up and then immediately hangs up.
Maddox: Hah. Well, great. Um, I...the...first of all, the thing I didn't like about that phone call was the quality.
Maddox: Right? And second, he didn't tell you to go fuck yourself at the end, 'cause he was too...he was too mad at me about the corporation thing.
Maddox: You know, some of those points aren't lost on me. I get it. But it's dishonest! You don't have to sell your product with an air of dishonesty. With a veneer of altruism. You're not altruistic, fuckhead! And all these people in the comments were like, "Hey Maddox, uh, everybody knows it's an ad and nobody takes it seriously!" (idiot voice) Yes -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, everybody does know it's an ad.
Maddox: No, that's not fucking true! Ads have an effect on people. They have a cumulative effect on people, because people aren't watching ads critically, are they, fuckheads?? Because NOBODY'S listening to me; nobody thinks critical thinking is the biggest solution in the universe! Go vote it up, people!! It'd solve that problem. Ads work for a reason, and it's because people don't watch them critically.
Maddox: They're just watching them tuned out and zoned out! A lot of people...I bet after doing that Honda ad...
Maddox: If they did market research, they would probably see that people have a better view of Honda.
Dick: That's the point.
Dick: That's the entire point of the ad.
Maddox: Well, then, it supports my argument, doesn't it, dickhead? When people have a better view of Honda after their altruistic-adjacent advertisement placement...
Dick: Oho, boy. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Right? (Dick giggles) Then it's done its work, hasn't it?
Dick: Yeah, well, they're being altruistic.
Maddox: They're NOT being altruistic!!
Dick: Oh, what a...what a shame if companies got into a race with each other of who could do the most good, right?
Maddox: Oho, yeah. (sneering)
Dick: That would be...how awful would that be?
Dick: Uh, do you wanna plug your Twitch stream again?
Maddox: Yeah, fuck you, Dick!
Dick: Before we... (giggles)
Maddox: I don't give a shit! I'm d-...that is...THAT is altruism! That...I... (Dick cracks up again) Again, that is philanthropy! I'm doing you guys a favor!! I am teaching these suckers every night! Watching my stream...
Dick: Ohh, my god.
Maddox: ...how to play video games! (Dick laughs) (audio fades as Maddox keeps shouting) They're the ones who are benefiting, my friend! I'm doing this as a FAVOR. I get NO respect. Garbage.