Problem: Attention Deficit Disorder Diagnosis [00:16:40]
Problem: Haters [00:43:44]
Problem: Poor Gym Etiquette [00:52:59]
The Biggest Problem in the Universe - Episode 96
Transcription courtesy of: Megan Pennock
Dick: Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Please visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase.
Maddox: Welcome to The Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Rusty Pliers to Holocaust Deniers. (Dick chuckles) (snickers) With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn't be on the big list of problems. I'm Maddox, with me is Dick!
Dick: Hey! What's up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer. Welcome back.
Dick: You've never done Holocaust Deniers before?
Maddox: I don't think so.
Dick: Oh, man. That's a surprise! What restraint.
Maddox: As a problem or as an intro?
Dick: As an intro.
Maddox: As an intro? I don't think so, no!
Dick: Obviously they're not a problem.
Maddox: No. (scoffs) (both giggle) Makin' America -
Dick: (interjects) Speaking of solutions...
Maddox: Makin' America great again!
Dick: ...go check out our Solutions episode on the webpage!
Dick: You can buy it right now for $1.33.
Maddox: It's fantastic.
Dick: It's a deal!
Dick: It's a steal of a deal.
Maddox: It's a steal of a deal. You will not find a better bargain on our bonus episodes anywhere on the Internet.
Dick: No matter what you're denying!! (Maddox laughs) No matter what...well... (cracks up) That's...ye-...okay. Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah. So we should, uh, we should get to the problems from, uh, from last week.
(someone knocks on door in background)
Maddox: Uh, what the fff-...what the fuck? (knocking gets more insistent)
Maddox: What the fuck i-...??
(door creaks and swings open)
(sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz!" + air horns)
Maddox: Tim, get the f-... (giggles) What the...?! (Sean laughs in the background) What the hell are you doin' here, Tim??
Tim: Yoooooo! Lemme just take a seat real fast.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Tim, what the fuck are you doing in my studio?
Dick: Tim Chainz.
Maddox: Tim Chainz??
Tim: Tim CHANGZZZZZ.
Tim: Look, I dropped off Dick.
Tim: I been sittin' in my car for 37 minutes and counting...and here I am.
Tim: I got myself into da Biggest Problem podcast.
Maddox: This is just trespassing! You're...this isn't a...this isn't some feat! You're just...it's breaking and entering.
Tim: Okay, if it's trespassing, why am I still here? (Dick guffaws)
Maddox: Get the fuck out. (giggles) Ge-...
Tim: Well, I'm...no!
Dick: Go back to your cave.
Dick: Where you live.
Maddox: Go back to the car. Go sit outside. What are you...what...why don't you just leave? You're just a Lyft driver. Just take...just go find another customer.
Tim: I'm not just a Lyft driver! I'm supposed to be your homies. (Maddox cracks up) Alright? Now Maddoff, you and I, we been havin' some beef lately, and I feel like, "Look, it's time to settle the scoreboard," and we goin' one-on-one right now, okay?
Dick: What, problem to problem? Is that...
Tim: Prollem to prollem. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Is that...is that your showdown? Callout? You're going problem to problem against Maddoff?
Dick: With a problem?
Maddox: It's "Maddox," shithead. (Dick and Sean laugh) What? What do you got?? What do you wanna say, Tim? WHAT?
Dick: Well, he had all these ideas. I thought he should at least come in and... (grins) I mean, I didn't...
Maddox: Dick, did you put him up to this?!
Dick: No, w-...I might've put an idea in his head.
Maddox: Okay. (annoyed)
Dick: That he would be welcome.
Maddox: GREAT. No, you're not. You're definitely not. 100% not!
Dick: Everybody loves him!
Maddox: Okay. Well, uh, Tim, get away. Get aw-...I'm gonna call...you know, producer Randy, why don't you call the police right now? We're gonna have Tim escorted out by the end of this episode.
Tim: Don't call the police. (sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz!" + air horns) (Maddox cracks up)
Maddox: Get the fuck out...you even have your sound drops prepared?!
Tim: I have so many sound drops.
Dick: A DJ's always gotta be prepared. Like a Boy Scout, but with sound drops. (background laughter)
Maddox: Great. (pissed)
Tim: Look... (Dick guffaws) Look, alright? Now first of all, I gotta address the first thing that you been callin' me out on. You say I'm not a real DJ. Well, guess what? I've made drops in the past... (Maddox, Dick, and Sean snicker) In the p-...in the past 12 hours, I have made drops that prove that I am a DJ.
Maddox: Yeah, maybe you've dropped deuces. (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: Have you?
Tim: I did not drop deuces. I only drop deuces aftah I eat food. Now...
Dick: What the fuck does that mean? (giggling)
Tim: Now, I made a drop for all my homies.
Tim: And that includes you guys! Including you, Maddoff, you fuckin' traitor! (Dick and Sean laugh)
Maddox: 'Kay. First of all, it's "Maddox," shithead. I'm ti-...you know what? Your new nickname is Tim Chumpzzz. How 'bout that, huh? Tim Chumpzzz, with 3 Z's, dickhead.
Dick: Nahh, that's not as clever.
Maddox: Yeah. Tim CHUMPZZZ. (Dick laughs)
Tim: That's not clevah.
Maddox: That's...yeah, it's not as clever; it's MORE clever. Thank you, Dick. (angry) Thanks for gettin' my back. (cracks up)
Dick: Let's hear these drops!
Dick: Let's hear these drops, so we can...
Maddox: Yeah, what do you got? Can we move on with the show?
Maddox: What do you got here, Tim Chumpzzz??
Tim: First of all...Sean, a real audio engineer.
Tim: Alright? Someone who knows the struggle. (Sean giggles in the background)
Tim: Someone who's been th-...someone who fucks... (Maddox snorts and laughs) ...with radio teachahs. He knows exactly what I went through. Sean, this is for you. I made you a drop.
(Tim's voice with distortion: "SEAN: AUDIO ENGINEER.")
Tim: God DAMN, that shit was so... (Maddox giggles loudly)
Dick: That's it??
Maddox: That's it?!
Dick: That's it? (laughs)
Maddox: What the fuck?!? What did you, just put a reverb on your voice? I know your fuckin' shenanigans. That's shitty! And it was crackly, too! Right, Dick?
Dick: That sounded pretty cool.
Maddox: Get outta here!
Tim: That was DOPE, man.
Dick: Pretty cool. It was dope.
Maddox: Yeah. (skeptical)
Tim: I spent 3 hours on that!
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, that was dopey.
Dick: Let's hear the next one.
Tim: Alright Dick, I gotcha, homie.
Dick: Oh, cool.
(Tim: "Dick Masterson.") (Small child's voice: "YAAAAAAAAAAY!")
(Dick and Sean giggle)
Dick: Yeah, cool!!
Maddox: GREAT. (exasperated)
Dick: That's cool!
Maddox: Ohh, wow.
Dick: That sounded cool!
Tim: Hell yeah.
Maddox: So good.
Dick: Who was doin' the "yay"? Was that you doing a little...child's voice?? Or -
Tim: (interjects) Google.com. (Dick and Maddox laugh) Found some child's voice.
Dick: Oh, great.
Tim: And put it at the end o' that shit.
Tim: Man, that shit was dope. Man, listen to that one more time!
(Tim: "Dick Masterson.") (Small child's voice: "YAAAAAAAAAAY!")
Dick: Yeah. (Sean loses it in the background)
Maddox: Stu-...that's so stupid. Tim...
Dick: I wanna play it again to identify where your accent is coming from, Tim Changzzzzz.
Maddox: That's...so dumb.
Tim: Now, Maddoff...
Maddox: Yeah, it's "Maddox," shithead.
Tim: Maddoff, I gotchu homie, right here.
Maddox: Oh, you got one for me?? This better be great.
(Tim: "Maddoff, you's a BITCH!") (shots firing) (Man's voice: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!") (fart noise)
(Dick and Sean laughing hysterically)
Maddox: You know, what?! Fuck you, Tim! (buzzer sound effect) Get out of my studio!!
Dick: Was that a fart?? (giggling)
Maddox: GET OUT. I'm callin' the poli-...Randy, Handy Randy, call the police! This is bullshit. Alright guys, we're movin' on with the show. (drumroll sound effect) The biggest problem in the universe from last week was Sleep Deprivation.
Dick: Oh, that's good.
Maddox: Followed by Bottled Water, and then Twitter. Twitter and Bottled Water were neck and neck, surprisingly. And then dead last was Bumper Stickers. Still in the positive territory, but barely.
Dick: Huh! Well...
Dick: I can't say I'm surprised.
Maddox: You know, I can't either. I think that for once, the idiots got the voting right. I think, uh, I think if I were going to rank these problems against each other, I would vote Sleep Deprivation at the top. Except I think that, uh...yeah. And then Bottled Water, and then Twit-...yeah, they got it right for once!
Dick: Some people called in about bottled water. You wanna hear?
Maddox: (irritated) Ye-...okay. Great. Let's hear this. (Dick plays first voicemail message)
Voicemail (male caller): Hey, I was just callin' in to say that, uh, Maddox was right about switchin' over to tap water as opposed to bottled water.
Dick: That's a compliment!
Voicemail: It's a great idea! And, um...I'm not gonna let my cognitive bias get in the way anymore.
Maddox: Okay. (sneering)
Voicemail: You see, I'm from Flint, Michigan. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. Mhm.
Voicemail: And I, uh, when I...since I switched over, now I got fuckin' cancer, you retard!! (Dick giggles) Thank you very much! (background laughter)
Maddox: IDIOT. First of all, it's not cancer you're getting from the water. I mean, maybe. We don't know yet. It's been too...it hasn't been long enough. Uh, definitely lead poisoning.
Maddox: There's a lot of shit in the water. Look guys, I understand there are places in the world where the water is too contaminated to drink! I get it. Most of the US is not those places.
Maddox: Okay, shitheads? Most of Europe is not even those places. (stammers angrily) Oh yeah, uh, "Hey Maddox, what if I go to Iraq?" (stupid voice) Yeah, then drink a bottle of water, shithead! Obviously. I'm not saying that bottled water has no use ever. You fucking idiots!
Dick: Okay, here's one...here's one for ya. I wonder what...how you can discount this guy. Adam Hickey: "Hey Dick, just caught the podcast, and bottled water IS a big problem." I like when they come out strongly in support in the first sentence, 'cause that means they're gonna flip it around.
Maddox: Yeah, of course. Yeah. (surly)
Dick: "However, it's absolutely a widely held opinion that in the industry..." (Maddox scoffs) In the water industry. (smiles)
Maddox: The water industry. (chuckling)
Dick: "...that LA's municipal water is the worst in the country as far as customer taste and odor satisfaction. I work at a large water utility. So tell Maddox not all tap water is created equal." 'Cause remember I was saying that I can taste the difference between LA tap water out of my faucet and Arrowhead.
Maddox: Yeah, yeah.
Dick: And I prefer my Arrowhead bottled...
Maddox: Which is -
Dick: (interjects) Not an endorsement of Arrowhead in any way. (Maddox snorts)
Maddox: No, that...
Dick: But I prefer it.
Maddox: That didn't SOUND like one.
Maddox: Which is probably, in all likelihood, the same thing. Guys, you just get a filter. A w-...get a water filter, put it on your sink; you're done.
Maddox: You don't have to worry about it. And those water filters actually filter out more shit than they do at the plants themselves.
Maddox: It's a really clean way to get water. You know how you can tell the purity of your ice...your water, rather, is make ice with it and see how clear the ice is. If you use a filter, it's way more clear than just tap water itself, and way more clear than bottled water. Test it.
Dick: Sounds like a fun lifehack.
Maddox: It's not a... (Sean laughs loudly in the background)
Dick: Tim, can you make a "lifehack" drop?
Tim: No, Maddoff does exactly what I do at my home.
Maddox: 'Kay, Chumpzzz. (Dick giggles) Uh, you can't...
Dick: Wait a minute! What??
Maddox: You can't make any...what are you talkin' about?
Dick: What are you...what's exactly what you do at your home?
Tim: Look, I get a filtah, I put it on my faucet, and then I got clean wautah.
Maddox: Okay. Bravo. Um, I got a b-...I got a bit. I got a bit.
Dick: Oh, I got some m-...a lot more voicemails here.
Maddox: Oh, let's hear! Okay, let's hear these voicemails. (Dick plays next voicemail message)
Voicemail (male caller): Twitter is dumbing down language, Maddox. How 'bout people who say "deers" is the plural of "deer"? (Sean laughs)
Voicemail: Are you sure you weren't homeschooled, you fuckin' idiot? (Dick guffaws)
Dick: I got a lot on that one, to be fair.
Maddox: Yeah, I know. I saw a billion comments about that. (Dick plays next voicemail message)
Voicemail (male caller): Maddox, you are a fuckin' idiot. (Dick and Maddox snicker) "Deer." Not "deers," ever.
Maddox: Yeah. Great.
Voicemail: "Deer" is plural and singular.
Dick: You said it twice.
Maddox: I don't...
Voicemail: You're a fuckin' idiot.
Dick: That was why. (grins)
Voicemail: Go fuck yourself.
Maddox: I don't even remember what the context was. When did I even say "deer"?
Voicemail: Love your show. Take care, guys.
Dick: You were saying that you wanna fuck a deers.
Maddox: I didn't say that.
Dick: Two at a time, preferably.
Tim: (scoffs) Come on, Maddoff.
Maddox: No. When did I even say "deer" last episode? I don't remember.
Dick: I don't know, man.
Tim: You DIDN'T say "deer." You said "deers." (Dick and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Okay, fuck you, Tim!
Maddox: Fuck you, Tim! Get the fuck out!! Get -
Sean: (interjects) You were talkin' about hitting deer with your car.
Maddox: Oh, okay. So I hit deers with my car.
Tim: Deer. You hit some deers.
Maddox: Yeah, I hit deers with my car.
Maddox: Um, alright. What else you got? Let's hear this...let's -
Dick: (interjects) I got one...I got -
Maddox: (interjects) Hear this parade of shitting on me.
Dick: Maybe the last...maybe the last one. This guy sent in a cool ringtone. Marshall Crosby: "Hey Dick, here's a ringtone I use to let everyone know that I'm a pretentious cock."
Maddox: I know what this is.
Dick: "You guys have a r-..." (stammers)
Maddox: I bet I know what this is. (cracking up)
Dick: Here it is.
(Maddox sound clip: "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs)) (Maddox giggles) (Clip repeats: "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs) "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs) "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs))
Dick: That's his ringtone. (Maddox laughs harder)
(Clip repeats: "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs) "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs))
Tim: Feel this dude, man.
Maddox: Oh man, this is a great ringtone!!
(Clip repeats: "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs) "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs))
Sean: Answer the fuckin' phone!!
Dick: Ah, I'm just gonna let it ring.
(Clip repeats: "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs) "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs) "You know, I'm a writer. I'm..." (scoffs))
Dick: It's the scoff. The scoff that sells it. (Maddox and Sean laughing)
Maddox: Oh, that's my favorite ringtone I think I've ever heard!
Dick: "I'm a writer." (sighs exasperatedly) It's that "ugh." "How...how do I have to even explain what it's like to be a writer?" (grins)
Dick: In that single exhale.
Maddox: Yeah. Uh-huh!
Maddox: You guys get it. You guys get it. (Dick guffaws)
Maddox: I'm glad! I thought you guys were really, uh, slovenly, mouth-breathing, slope-headed apes. (laughs to himself)
Dick: You forgot the scoff. Put in the scoff so we know what a pretentious cock you are.
Maddox: But for once, you guys understand, based on that gasp, what it means to be a writer. (Dick laughs)
Dick: Oh yeah!
Dick: Alright, I got one more...this is some fan art from Dr. Smoothrod. It's pretty cool. Remember when we were talking about how you carry fake wallets...
Dick: ...and you should put fake money in those wallets?
Dick: 'Cause you were saying you carry around, when you go to...
Dick: When you go to, you know, places of ill repute, like the cantina bar on Mos Eisley or wherever you're goin' on vacation.
Maddox: Okay. (chuckling)
Dick: You carry around multiple decoy wallets...
Maddox: Well, I...one.
Dick: ...in case you get mugged.
Maddox: I have one on me. (Dick laughs)
Sean: Hitler had his doppelgängers.
Dick: Yeah! Ma-... (cracks up)
Sean: Maddox has his...
Dick: Maddoff has fake wallets.
Sean: ...decoy wallets.
Maddox: 'Kay. It's "Maddox." (Dick and Sean laugh)
Tim: It's "Maddoff."
Dick: And you... (cracks up) And you have...you have real money in those wallets, so that when the mugger takes your wallet and opens it they don't think, like, "This is a fuckin' decoy wallet. It's empty. Where's the money?" Right?
Maddox: Yeah! It's smart.
Tim: This is real, alright? I was in Paree. Alright? Several years ago.
Dick: You were in where?
Tim: I was in Paree. I was in -
Dick: (interjects) Oh, Paris??
Tim: I was in Paree seve-...uh, several years -
Maddox: (interjects) Oh, Paris? You're saying "Paris," you pretentious fuck? (Dick laughing)
Tim: I w-...I'm sayin' "Paree." Alright? I know French. ("Freyunch")
Maddox: Fake-ass fuckin' DJ piece o' shit.
Dick: You know French?
Tim: I'm not a d-...
Maddox: (interjects) You don't know French!
Tim: I'm not a DJ -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, you're a sucka.
Tim: I'm...I'm not a DJ that...
Maddox: Uh-huh. You're an emcee of sucka.
Tim: That...I'm not a DJ that you think I am. I'm the DJ that the world thinks I am. (Tim's voice with distortion: "SEAN: AUDIO ENGINEER.") Shit, I played the wrong one. (Sean laughing in the background) (Tim: "Maddoff, you's a BITCH!")
Maddox: Okay, great. (scoffs)
Dick: Oh, god.
(shots firing) (Man's voice: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!") (fart noise)
Maddox: What the fuck is that?! You...
Dick: That's a fart.
Maddox: Did you add... (cracks up) Did you add some sound effects to your Maddox drop since the last time? Since we sat down here?
Tim: That's why...that's how I'm a real DJ!
Maddox: Yeah. You're a bullshit-ass DJ.
Dick: What were you talking about Paris?
Tim: Anyway, look. I was in Paree, and... (Dick and Sean giggle) And this is real! Alright?
Dick: Yeah. (under his breath)
Tim: I ain't bullshittin' y'all. I carried fake money... (buzzing sound in background) ...in my back pocket... (gets distracted)
Sean: Tim, is that your fuckin' phone?!
Dick: Yeah, it's his phone.
Maddox: Yeah, is that your fuckin' ph-...
Tim: I'm blowin'...my...
Tim: My phone...my phone -
Dick: (interjects) Put your phone on "do not disturb"!
Tim: My phone...my ph-...
Maddox: (interjects) You fuckin' asshole!
Tim: My phone's blowin' up, man. Everyone's askin' me to join -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but put it on "do not disturb." Do me a favor.
Maddox: Yeah, it's gonna be up your ass in just a second. You're gonna enjoy that vibration.
Tim: Look, Bo-...
Dick: (interjects) I don't...I don't care about Paris. (Maddox giggling)
Tim: Bobby -
Dick: (interjects) Here's... (cracks up)
Tim: Bobby from Encino wants me to DJ his kid's birthday.
Dick: Okay. Dr. Smoothrod sent you fake money to carry around in your fake wallet.
Maddox: Oh, hey! That's fanta-...
Dick: It looks great.
Maddox: It's a $10,000 bill, and it's me flipping you off.
Maddox: That's a fantastic-looking bill.
Dick: And it says "you just got fucked" on it.
Maddox: Yeheheheheeeeeah. (giggling)
Dick: Great. So... (chuckles) So if the mugger opens up the wallet in front of you, you're murdered.
Dick: Way to go. Alr-...okay. What else? Moving on.
Maddox: Or... (laughs) Or, that's legal tender in every country. We'll see.
Dick: Can people spend that at your store? Online?
Maddox: Yeah. (giggling)
Dick: Yeah? (chuckles) Well, I have...
Maddox: I'll take -
Dick: (interjects) I have the only copy, so...
Maddox: I'll take Maddox Bucks. I'll do it.
Maddox: As long as I made it.
Maddox: Yeah. You can spend it in my store.
Dick: I'm -
Maddox: (interjects) Alright, I have, um...
Dick: I'm done.
Maddox: Okay. I have a bit. It's a fan favorite. We haven't played it for a long time. ("Dick Versus Dick" theme starts up)
(ritzy game show theme music)
Deep Voice (reverb): Dick...Versus...Diiiiiiick!
Dick: Has it been a long time, really?
Maddox: It's been a long time, yeah.
Maddox: We haven't had one for at least 5-10 episodes.
Sean: Feels like just yesterday. (Maddox sighs)
Dick: It does feel like just yesterday.
Maddox: Shut the fuck up, shut the fuck up. Alright. (Sean laughs) Um...so, I didn't know whether or not to do this as a "Dick Versus Dick."
Dick: It's the preamble that kills me every time.
Maddox: Yeah. I got -
Dick: (interjects) Go. Go ahead.
Maddox: Yeah, I didn't know whether to do it as "Dick Versus Dick" or...uh, "I Liked It Better When." I don't know. I was kinda confused. But I got this...this was a fan...a fan suggested this one.
Dick: Oh, great.
Maddox: It's, uhh, this...his name is Wizard Babylon. (chuckles)
Maddox: Wizard Babylon noticed this discrepancy. This is from way back when in Episode 24. Listen to this.
(dreamy harp glissandos)
Maddox: How do you reconcile that with your bullshit-ass beliefs, Dick?
Dick: What beliefs?! I believe in bicycles. I mean, they're a thing that exists.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: I prefer walking.
Dick: That's true.
Dick: At Burning Man.
Maddox: Walking is for idiots. And suckers.
Dick: Alright. Enough...
(dreamy harp glissandos)
Maddox: 'Kay. So you said you prefer walking...
Dick: At Burning Man.
Maddox: Uh-huh, yeah. And then...and then, uh...
Dick: It's fun.
Maddox: Back in Episode -
Dick: (interjects) Really take in the sights, nice and slow.
Maddox: Okay. You like walking, I get it. Then in Episode 82, you said this.
(dreamy harp glissandos)
Dick: You ready for my next problem? Walking. I'm PROUD... (Maddox chuckles)
Dick: ...of the fact that we did not think of walking. Walking is something that savage apes do.
Maddox: (scoffs) Okay.
Dick: It's disgusting.
Dick: Walking is something that babies do.
Dick: Walking is just basically falling down.
Dick: I don't walk. Walking is for primitive people. That's embarrassing.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (Dick laughs)
Dick: I don't walk. If you can't get there in a car, not worth seeing. Walking!!
Dick: Not worth seeing. (smiles)
Dick: It's true!
Dick: You should be embarrassed walking, period.
(dreamy harp glissandos) (segment ends)
Tim: (Tim: "Dick Masterson.") (Small child's voice: "YAAAAAAAAAAY!") (Dick, Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: Yeah. What is the v-...Dick versus Dick?
Maddox: That you said you prefer walking as opposed to...
Dick: Riding a bicycle.
Maddox: Yeah, riding a bicycle.
Maddox: You prefer walking. But then you just went on that tirade, where -
Dick: (interjects) It's still disgusting.
Dick: It's still disgusting to walk. I prefer an art car.
Dick: But I'll walk over riding a bicycle.
Maddox: Well, once you got to Burning Man, though, then did you...you didn't walk around. You rode a bike everywhere.
Dick: No, I...prefer walking. Again, as I said.
Maddox: (shouts) You prefer, but then you...but then why didn't you walk??
Dick: What do you mean, "why didn't I walk"?
Maddox: At Burning Man! It's a very simple question.
Dick: I DID.
Maddox: Why didn't you walk at Burning Man? You didn't ride a bike at Burning Man?
Dick: I...okay, I feel like it is a simple question, but the "I did" response is somehow eluding you. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: You didn't ride a bike at Burning Man?
Dick: Of course I rode a bike, until it got stolen.
Maddox: That's...then you're fulla shit! That's the point!!
Dick: How is that full of shit, to have a preference? I prefer steak over salad, but I've eaten a salad.
Maddox: Okay. Well, if you have the choice, which you always do...you know -
Dick: (interjects) I'm sure you prefer wearing shirts with your face on them, but you're not currently wearing one.
Maddox: I do prefer that. That's true.
Tim: I walked to Burning Man. (Dick cracks up)
Dick: You walked all the way to Burning Man?
Tim: I walked to Burning Man, from Huntington Beach.
Sean: He was tryin' to show up to the one in, like, 2002.
Dick: Yeah. Where did y-...where was the Burning Man that you went to?
Dick: But where?
Tim: To...Burning Man. (smiles)
Dick: Yeah, where is it?
Tim: Man, you know. Somewhere in California. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: Okay. (annoyed) Tim, you don't know shit about DJing, geography...
Tim: (interjects) (sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz!")
Maddox: ...or etiquette.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
("PEW PEW PEW PEW PEWWW!")
Maddox: So annoying. That's the worst. Alright, guys.
Dick: Well, you got me!!
Maddox: Let's get to the problems.
Dick: Another successful "Dick Versus Dick." You caught me walking and riding my bike at Burning Man. (smiles)
Maddox: Well, I don't...I don't know!! I don't know which one it was. I don't know which one it was.
Dick: It was all of the above.
Maddox: Okay guys, let's get to the problems.
Dick: I flew there, too! That was awesome. (Sean laughs in the background)
Maddox: Great. Were your wings tired? (laughs)
Dick: No, I was in a plane.
Sean: It's "arms."
Maddox: Yeah. Oh yeah, that's right, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. (giggles hysterically)
Sean: The joke is "arms." (laughs)
Maddox: Thanks, Sean. (drumroll sound effect) Alright, guys.
Tim: (Tim's voice with distortion: "SEAN: AUDIO ENGINEER.") (Dick and Sean still laughing)
Dick: Alright, what's your problem?
Maddox: Alright, guys. Let's get to the problems.
Dick: Is it "Simple Puns"? (Sean loses it)
Tim: Come on, Maddoff. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: (sighs loudly) Alright guys, let's get to the problems. (drumroll sound effect) I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week. It's Attention Deficit Disorder Diagnosis.
Tim: Oh, man. I know all about dat, man.
Maddox: No you don't. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Dick: Mm... (skeptical) I'm gonna...I think you do.
Tim: I think I do too.
Dick: Yeah, I think you do.
Tim: I think that aftah spending several years in community college, I think I kn-...I know a little bit about ADHDHD. (Sean cracks up)
Maddox: Yeah, what does the last "HD" stand for, Tim?
Dick: "High definition."
Maddox: Yeah, okay. (muttering)
Dick: What else? (laughs)
Maddox: Great. Okay, guys, uh...gentlemen, imagine living in a world where you'd go to a doctor's office for a checkup; he could check out your vitals, do some blood tests, and then determine that you have a deficit attention. 'Cause that's exactly the crazy world we're living in today. "ADD" stands for "Attention Deficit Disorder," and about 9% of children born in the US supposedly have it. Right?
Maddox: Supposedly. The other name for ADD is "ADHD," Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Uh, plus high definition if you're...
Maddox: ...dumbass Tim Changzzzzz over here. Uh, Tim Chumpzzz. Um...that's 28 MILLION PEOPLE who have...who supposedly have ADD. 28 million people are just born with this supposed disorder. You're just born broken.
Dick: Can't pay attention, man.
Maddox: Can't pay atte-... (cracks up) Can't pay attention!
Dick: It sucks.
Maddox: Big problem, right?
Dick: What's everybody thinking about right now? (laughs) Can I get a...could we get an "Around the Horn" on that? Is anyone thinking about ADHD?
Tim: I mean, I'm -
Dick: (interjects) As an example of ADHD?
Tim: I mean, I think Maddoff has it real bad.
Maddox: Yeah? (Sean chuckles) Uhh, well, I don't, 'cause I'm movin' right on. (cracks up) Think about...
Tim: Good point.
Maddox: Think about what "attention deficit" actually means. To say that you can have a deficit of attention suggests that you have a finite supply of it. (smirks) Right? And that there's some fixed amount of attention that is just right to have. That means it's not only possible to run out of attention, but it's also possible to have an overabundance of it. And yet, there's no such thing as Attention Overabundance Disorder. At least until a drug maker can market a drug for this as-of-yet pending epidemic.
Dick: Isn't that OCD?
Maddox: What, a...?
Dick: Like, too much attention? Like, "I gotta turn this...I'm really into turning this light switch on and off."
Dick: "A hundred times."
Maddox: Why not? Let's just call it "Attention Overabundance Disorder."
Maddox: No, that's a pattern of something that you do. It's not necessarily that you're paying too much attention. Uh...
Dick: I'm just making a joke. Yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. People who claim to have ADD take their illness very seriously, blaming everything from poor test scores to failed relationships on this disorder. By the way, that was all from "The Alphabet of Manliness." (background laughter)
Dick: That entire clip you just read?
Maddox: I had to read, uh...you know. I had to cite my source. Really good book! (snickers)
Dick: So do you not think that ADHD, uh...exists?
Dick: Ah, yeah.
Maddox: Uhh, no. I don't.
Sean: You don't think it exists in anyone?
Maddox: Um...no, and the people who claim to have it...I've talked to people who have claimed to have severe ADHD or ADD, and they said that they started taking Prozac or Ritalin or whatever the drugs are that are supposed to help it.
Sean: Well, it's usually...yeah. It's usually some sort of an upper.
Sean: It's usually some kind of an amphetamine or dextroamphetamine.
Sean: Because everybody does focus better on that.
Maddox: Well, sure.
Sean: That's why it's so prevalent in college and school, yeah.
Dick: Oh yeah, it's awesome.
Maddox: Well, sure. I...you know.
Dick: It turns your mind into a laser.
Maddox: Yeah, I've tried it before, and it did improve my focus. However, I don't know if the drug is curing something or addressing an i-...a disorder.
Sean: Well, I think it's supposed to address it.
Maddox: Yeah, but...but how can you tell if the drug is addressing some underlying disorder, or whether or not you're just focusing better because the drug is working at focusing?
Sean: Well, isn't the end result good either way?
Maddox: Well, sometimes, but not necessarily, Sean, and I'll get to that...I'll get to why in just a second.
Sean: Lemme just...not to derail the conversation, but...
Sean: I know it's...it gets diagnosed more and more frequently.
Sean: Do you think that's a thing with the drug companies, or do you think that we're just now...or doctors or modern medicine is just now learning to recognize things?
Maddox: I'm ge-...I'm getting to all of that.
Maddox: This is all coming, yeah. This i-...those are all good questions. Good points.
Sean: I'm sure it will. Crack open "The Alphabet of Manliness," and... (Dick laughs)
Maddox: I will!
Dick: Go to the appendix.
Maddox: Yeah, I got more. I got more. Uh, roughly 5% of adults claim to have it. That's a combined 48 million people, counting kids, in the US who are just born with this disorder. That's an epidemic. Right? 48 million people are just broke-...born with this broken disorder.
Dick: As disorders come, do you think that's too high?
Maddox: Oh yeah, absolutely. 48 mil-...just 48 million people are born...imagine if 48 million people were born without limbs. That'd be... (scoffs) That's a HUGE, huge disorder. That's like nature fucking up!
Dick: Yeah, but this is defined by not being able to pay attention, right?
Dick: Like, your wandering thoughts and stuff like that?
Dick: I'm surprised it's not more. Like, it's...it's hard to pay attention.
Tim: Yeah, that's true.
Maddox: The reason I brought in Attention Deficit Disorder *diagnosis* and not ADD is because it's likely a bullshit diagnosis. First of all, for some reason, it's one of those wily diseases that seems to affect whites and blacks more than Asians. How's that the case? Roughly 9.6% of whites and 10.5% of blacks have it. So, roughly equal. And then miraculously, it only affects about 1.4% of Asians. Why do Asians have less affliction of ADD?
Dick: Well, let's ask our black DJ, Tim Changzzz...
Maddox: (scoffs) Yeah.
Dick: ...why that might be. (background laughter)
Maddox: Why do you think, Tim Chumpzzz?
Tim: (sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz!" + air horns) (Dick laughs) Look...alright? I can't speak for all the othah...brothas and sistas out there that are Asians, alright? (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Maddox: 'Kay, you're not black!
Tim: I can't s-...
Maddox: (interjects) You're not black. You're Asian.
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Tim: I can't speak for all the Asian brothas and sistas out there.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: Yeah, that's racist of YOU for assuming he was talkin' about black people.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, well... (Dick laughs) I think Tim...Tim, first of all, can we just confirm that you do not think you're black?
Tim: I can confirm that I'm... (sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz!" + air horns)
Maddox: Okay. (laughing) That's exactly what I thought you would answer.
Tim: When I'm thinkin' about my dreams, when I'm thinkin' about my goals, I got focus.
Tim: If I'm not thinkin' about my dreams and my goals, then I'm not focused. That applies to everything in the world. So when you got a dude who, his whole goal and his dream, right? Is to go out there and make the best possible pasta out there. What does he think... (Dick and Sean laugh hysterically) (Maddox sighs loudly)
Maddox: UGH. Okay.
Tim: What is he -
Maddox: (interjects) So glad. So glad we have you on this.
Tim: What is he thinkin' about?
Tim: He's thinkin' about pasta. (Dick and Sean still laughing)
Tim: He's thinkin'...what is he...is he not thinkin' about pasta?
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect) So...SO GLAD we asked Tim Changzzzzz.
Dick: If your looks matched your voice, you would get laid...every day.
Maddox: Yeah. (irritated) Tim Chumpzzz, so glad we answered that question of why it only affects 1.4% of Asians.
Maddox: Thank you, Tim.
Dick: Asians are good at taking tests, though. They got, like, that hyper focus. Right? That's in their culture, is hyper focus on everything.
Dick: Just...when they're kids.
Sean: You think it starts in childhood?
Dick: Is that a stereotype, or is that...what?
Maddox: No, that's...that's not a s-...
Sean: (interjects) You think it's...
Sean: You think it's a parental thing that says "You've gotta focus. You've gotta be good at this. You've gotta..."
Sean: And it keeps that shit from happening?
Maddox: You may be right, Sean and Dick. You may be hittin' on something here.
Maddox: Diagnosis often comes from parents rather than doctors. Did you know that?
Maddox: Parents often just determine on their own whether or not you have ADD. According to ADHDAwarenessMonth.org, parent-reported ADHD rates increased by 22% in 2007. (incredulous) Just suddenly, one day...one year, parents...like, 22% increase one year!
Sean: Well, good thing they forgot about it the next month. (Maddox snorts)
Maddox: No, that's...it's not Alzheimer's, Sean.
Sean: I know.
Maddox: Shithead! Yeah. (Sean guffaws) How do you like it, dick?! You misspoke! I misspoke! How do you like it when YOU misspeak?
Sean: Well...yeah, he's... (shrugs)
Maddox: That's what I thought!
Dick: Yeah, 'cause you don't have a...like, a crazy complex about being right all the time, right? (chuckling)
Sean: That's right. (smiles)
Tim: (Tim: "Maddoff, you's a BITCH!") (shots firing) (Man's voice: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!") (fart noise)
Dick: So parents are self-reporting their kids' ADHD?
Maddox: Yeah. 22% higher in 2007, resulting in 7.2% of all school-aged children being diagnosed. These are parents just looking at their kids and seeing that they act a little hyper because most kids stay indoors and fuck around with tablets and video games all day, rather than playing outside.
Dick: Yeah. Especially boys.
Maddox: So they burn off their energy by acting out, and their parents just look at them and shrug, and they just determine by themselves that these kids have ADD!
Maddox: Then they drug the kids and teach the kids to be victims for the rest of their lives! I can't count the number of times some kid I grew up with in school used ADD as an excuse for FAILURE. And underperforming. ADD is a psychological disorder alright, but one that has to do with their parents.
Maddox: I remember growing up, I had a kid in my first grade class who failed a test, and he said, "Yeah, I can't, uh...I can't pass tests because I have ADD." And that's the first time I heard this phenomenon, and I thought, "Well, what the fuck is it?" He goes, "Oh, it's Attention Deficit Disorder." And even as a first-grader, I knew that this was bullshit!
Sean: I think you're right about a lot of that, and I think the parents want a built-in excuse where it's like, "Oh no no, he's very, very smart; he just can't take tests because of his ADHD." It's like, "Well, maybe you didn't really...make him buckle down like you ought to have."
Dick: Well, maybe school sucks, also. Like, "Fuck these dumb tests. Let's, uh, get him outside."
Maddox: Okay, anti-intellectualism. Vote up Anti-Intellectualism. (Dick scoffs)
Dick: Like you need to l-...learn spelling? Anymore? (Maddox chuckles) Like, that's a real thing?
Dick: Like, how many times do you need to learn the participles of speech? Never. You never...you don't need to learn it every other year, 'cause they teach kids the same shit, 'cause they don't carry it over the next year. It's a big fuckin' waste of time. How many hours of school did Benjamin Franklin have? Like, what, 3 a day? 2 a day? Now e-...now kids that are growing up to work at McDonald's need 8, 9, 10 hours of school every day?! Seems like you could invent electricity on 3 a day! You could probably work in the service industry on like an hour of school a day, BUT, then where would all the government-subsidized babysitting go?! Go ahead.
Dick: I j-...yeah. Yeah, I have a big fuckin' problem with school.
Maddox: Okay. Yeah, government-sub-...
Sean: I don't know, man.
Maddox: Government-subsidized babysitting. Yeah. Uh, Ben Franklin didn't invent electricity, Dick. Maybe you go to school to realize that he discovered it rather than inventing it. And maybe you go to school to learn grammar and spelling so that you don't sound like a road rage on a podcast. Maybe those things matter so you sound eloquent, and you can express yourself and convey your thoughts succinctly. What, Sean?
Sean: And make -
Dick: (interjects) Deers. "Deers Abby."
Sean: And make sure you don't say "deers"!! (Dick laughs) Exactly, you motherfucker!
Maddox: Yeah. (annoyed)
Dick: So, what -
Tim: (interjects) Yeah, Maddoff, you mothafucka. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, man. There's a difference between misspeaking every now and then and...uh, completely denouncing the education system as worthless. You went to Cal Tech, so why wou-...why did you go to Cal Tech if you didn't see any value in school?
Dick: Did you not hear anything I just said?
Maddox: You went to Cal Tech, so why did you go to school if you didn't see any value in it? They weren't babysitting you! You paid tuition for that.
Sean: Cal Tech has a really underrated improv program. (Dick chuckles) A lot of people don't know that.
Maddox: Oh, is that why?
Maddox: Alright. Um, so again, ADD is one of those things that you just self-diagnose. Parents self-diagnose. And pharmaceutical companies constantly encourage people to take the test. I have the test with me, and I want everyone here to take it. 'Kay, guys? It's just 6 questions.
Dick: And if you do none of them, you fail. Right? That's...then you have ADHD.
Maddox: No, if you don't...oh, I see what you're saying. Okay. Um...
Dick: Jokes. (quietly) (Sean laughs)
Maddox: 'Kay. Question #1, guys. Everyone, I want you to pay attention. Alright? See if... (cracks up) See if we can get through this. How often do you have trouble wrapping up the final details of a project once the challenging parts have been done? The answers are "never," "rarely," "sometimes," "often," or "very often." Tim?
Tim: Often. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Okay, Tim.
Maddox: You never have a problem?
Maddox: Wrapping up projects?
Sean: I'd say almost never.
Tim: Oh, wait! Oh... (stammers) Oh, nev-...
Maddox: Too late! Too late, Tim Chumpzzz!
Tim: Nev-...no, no, no! Never.
Dick: Nah, you...
Maddox: Too late!
Tim: No, never!
Maddox: (buzzer sound effect)
Dick: You look like a dick. You're the weird one. (laughs)
Tim: God DAMMIT. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Idiot. Often. (smiles) Too late.
Maddox: How often do you... (chuckles) ...do you have difficult getting things in order when you have to do a task that requires organization?
Maddox: You never have...?
Maddox: You never have problems gettin' things in order?
Tim: I got my shit togetha. Come on.
Maddox: Okay, I'm gonna put do-...I'm gonna put down Tim as "very often." (Sean snickers)
Tim: What?! You can't do that!
Maddox: You getting your shit dow-...I don't know what that means, Tim. I don't speak your...
Tim: I mean -
Dick: (interjects) I know Sean's "never."
Sean: Yeah, never.
Dick: Shows up every week with all his stuff to put together.
Maddox: Uhh, okay. You know what? I'll just, uh, I'll just ask this last one here. How often do you guys feel overly active and compelled to do things like you were driven by a motor? These are...this is one of the questions!
Maddox: You always fee-...? Okay. Oh, I'm sorry, Dick. You...
Dick: Oh, I have ADHD?
Maddox: You may... (laughs) You may have ADHD, because you're comp-...you're driven, and you're compelled to do things. Sean? How often do you feel driven and compelled to do things like you had a motor inside you?
Sean: Sometimes. If I think it's important, I'm driven.
Sean: If I don't, I'm not.
Dick: Harvest season?
Maddox: (snorts) Yeah.
Sean: Put THAT in your...answers. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Tim? I'm gonna guess it's "never." (snickers)
Tim: Now, look. Alright, look. We all gonna say...obviously, we gon' say "always." Right? Look, if you're driven by something, you're gonna keep doin' it. (Dick chuckles) That's the p-...that's part o' life. If you are driven, you gonna keep d-...how do you have ADHD if you're driven?
Maddox: Tim, I can imagine everything you're saying being quoted on a really shitty motivational poster. One that's tattered and hung crookedly. (Sean laughs in the background)
Tim: That's great! I like that! (Maddox, Dick, and Sean laugh)
(talking over each other)
Tim: I don't mind... (inaudible)
Sean: With a retarded cat hanging from a branch.
Tim: Posters are awe-...if you can make a motivational poster of the things I'm sayin', I appreciate that.
Maddox: And just, like, an irrelevant photo, too. Like, of sunflowers, or...you know, like a...a poppyseed bagel. (laughs with Sean)
Tim: Okay, sunflowers are dope as fuck. Come on, man.
Dick: What is the big ADHD drug? It's not Ritalin. What is the new one?
Sean: It's...well, there's Adderall.
Maddox: Adderall, yeah.
Dick: I've been tryin' to think of it since we started talkin' about this.
Sean: Then there's another one called, um...I wanna say -
Maddox: (interjects) Strattera.
Sean: No...well, there's another one. I think the drug is modafinil. I don't know what it is, but -
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, that's a new one. Yeah.
Sean: It's sort of like a speed, but without all the, uh, jitteriness and stuff like that.
Dick: Yeah. Man, here's a Dick Tip for ya. Take an Adderall and hit up a strip club. And your...your mental focus and your gamesmanship will go up l-...entire leagues. You'll be playing in the big leagues, no matter where you were. It's like a drug for focusing your chi.
Tim: Damn. (quietly)
Dick: That's all I'm gonna say. Yeah. Try it, Tim Changzzzzz.
Tim: I like that, man.
Maddox: Tim Chumpzzz, yeah. You could focus more.
Tim: I've never been to a strip club before, surprisingly. (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. (sneering)
Maddox: It's not...it's not surpris-... (cracks up) It's not surprising.
Dick: Why not?
Tim: Surprise, I've never been to a strip club.
Dick: It's real surprising.
Maddox: You're ninet-...'cause you look like you're 19.
Tim: No, I'm...
Dick: Why haven't you been to a strip club?
Tim: I'm 57 at heart. (Maddox giggles) Alright?
Tim: I got a old s-...I got a old spirit.
Maddox: Yeah, you got an old dong that doesn't work anymore. You got a...
Tim: That's not what Tammy said.
Maddox: You got a...you got a bum pecker. (giggles to himself) (Sean laughs in the background)
Dick: How are things going with Tammy? Did she hear the last podcast you were on?
Tim: She heard the last podcast. She wanted me back.
Tim: We tried -
Dick: (interjects) That's good!!
Tim: We tried to meet...we met up at the Panini Cafe. (Maddox and Sean burst out laughing)
Dick: What a sw-...
Maddox: (interjects) Is that because you were trying to tell her stories about going to, uh, Paree?
Tim: Well, yeah. I was tellin' her about my stories in Paree, man.
Maddox: Fuckin' fraud. (laughs)
Tim: But Tammy, you know, she orde-... (chuckles) She ordered some lamb, I ordered chicken, we got that basmati rice -
Dick: (interjects) That's not important.
Dick: What happened with the reunion?
Maddox: Mhm. (Sean giggles)
Tim: Well, you know. We was out there...
Maddox: What do her boobs feel like, Tim?
Tim: I mean, they crusty, you know. (Maddox laughs loudly)
Sean: AUGH. (from background)
Maddox: Okay. (giggling)
Sean: Like a baguette?! (Maddox laughs more)
Tim: I mean, you know, like a baguette...like a buncha crumpled chips.
Dick: Do boys get, um, prescr-...uh, diagnosed with ADHD more than girls do?
Maddox: Slightly more. That's...
Dick: 'Cause it seems like...
Maddox: Yeah, they do.
Dick: It seems like the whole system is set up to fuck boys over when they're little.
Maddox: They do, but...but guys, you know what? It may be a real disorder, because, uh...here's how I know it's a real disorder: when commercials reassure me that the disorder is real. Even though cancer treatment commercials never start out with "cancer is real," and HIV prevention commercials never start out with "AIDS is real." But when it comes to ADD, for some reason they have to convince you it's real. Listen to this commercial. I found this commercial online. It's, like, from a small market. Listen to this. (plays commercial)
(soft piano music in background)
Male voice: Adult Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. It's not just a problem affecting our youth. It's a real medical condition that can afflict anyone of any age, and it CAN be treated.
Dick: Even if you're 57 at heart.
Tim: I feel that.
Male voice: Cornerstone can help you and your family deal with this condition.
Maddox: You feelin' that music, Tim Chang?
Tim: Mmm. Man, I'm playin' the piano right now, dude.
Maddox: Oh yeah?
Dick: Well, it's tough! People are very busy with their lives. They gotta medicate their kids in line. You know?
Maddox: You gotta medicate! Uh, Katie Couric did an episode on ADD, and brought in some supposed health expert.
Maddox: He was some Harvard doctor, and I thought, "Oh wow, this is cool. He's a...you know, she's got a real doctor in here." And of course, he's hawkin' some book about ADD.
Maddox: Of COURSE. And then she has this really weepy segment talking about people who suffer from ADD. Listen to this. It's the Katie Couric show. (plays "Katie" clip)
Katie Couric: Do you sometimes feel overwhelmed, like life is moving too fast and you simply can't keep up? Do you get distracted easily and have trouble focusing?
Katie Couric: For some, this is just everyday manageable stress. But for others, it can signal much more.
(dramatic piano music)
Female interviewee: ADHD has affected my relationship with my children in many ways. Mainly, um... (Maddox laughs quietly) ...because I'm always late.
Male interviewee: I feel like over the years, I've let people down. (Maddox snorts) Um, whenever they relied on me for something and I forgot. And it seems careless, but it was...it wasn't.
Tim: Damn, man. That's...
Dick: It kinda was.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggling)
Tim: That's sad, man!
Dick: Like, I...I do empathize with people, because the mind is a complex thing. Um...
Dick: No doubt some people have more trouble concentrating than others, and if they can concentrate better with some of these drugs, that's great! Um...I definitely support that, 'cause drugs are workin' for me! And if they're workin' for you, keep doin' it. But it's, eh...it's bad to see it in kids, 'cause...drugs when you're that young kinda fucks up your brain patterns for life.
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: And then...especially when it's just kids being rambunctious, maybe, a lot of the time.
Dick: And we're never gonna s-...we're not gonna know what happened for the next 40 years. Right? Just like lead poisoning, right? I'll bring it in eventually, but you're not gonna know the effect of the drugs you're pumping into these kids for 30-40 years down the line, when they start having their own kids and fuckin' them up in the same way.
Maddox: Well, actually, we know that effect now. And Sean, to go back to that point you mentioned earlier, is it...do there...are there side effects to these drugs? There are. This article just came out in The Telegraph. It's called...the title of the article is "ADHD is vastly overdiagnosed and many children are just immature, say scientists." From this article, it says, "Prescriptions for drugs like Ritalin have doubled to 922,000 a year in the last decade for children diagnosed with ADHD, but such medications can cause severe adverse reactions such as weight loss, liver toxicity, and suicidal thoughts, and in the short term may suppress pubertal growth."
Dick: Oogh! Smaller boobs??
Maddox: Smaller everything!
Dick: Get rid of 'em.
Sean: Yeah, some of the -
Dick: (interjects) Make 'em illegal.
Sean: I know I've read some of the antidepressants are not approved for kids.
Sean: Where they were, or...you know, teenagers, where they used to be, because it...your brain is not finished cooking yet.
Maddox: So, moving on, though. The problem ADD may just be a cultural phenomenon, to go back to what you guys were saying. Uh, Dick and Sean, you guys mentioned earlier. According to the article "Why French Kids Don't Have ADHD," published in Psychology Today: "French child psychiatrists, on the other hand, view ADHD as a medical condition that has psycho-social and situational causes. Instead of treating children's focusing and behavioral problems with drugs, French doctors prefer to look at the underlying issue that is causing the child's distress -- not in the child's brain but in the child's social context. They then choose to treat the underlying social context problem with psychotherapy or family counseling. This is a very different way of seeing things from the American tendency to attribute all symptoms to a biological dysfunction such as a chemical imbalance in the child's brain." So the French don't use the DSM.
Sean: No, they're -
Tim: (interjects) Yeah, they don't. They don't use it.
Sean: It makes perfect sense.
Tim: Yeah. That's true.
Sean: Figure out possibly what's causing it, and THEN whether you need to medicate or not, as opposed to just rippin' off prescriptions, and...
Maddox: Right! Absolutely.
Sean: Putting a band-aid on the problem.
Maddox: Yeah. The, uh, the DSM, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, is what they use in psychological circles in the US. But instead in France, they use the CFTMEA, which is something in French, which...you should know that, Tim.
Tim: I mean, I've seen this happen all the time in Paree, man. Like...
Maddox: You've never fuckin' been there, dude.
Tim: You know, these kids, man. Like, they don't use that shit, man. Like, they -
Maddox: (interjects) I think you went to Panini Cafe and you thought that was France.
Tim: No. Panini Cafe, that Mediterranean shit, dude. Come on. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Oh, is it?
Tim: Come on, dude. I know my shit, homie. Come on.
Maddox: Name 3 cities in France.
Tim: Man, Paree...
Maddox: Yeah? (laughing)
Tim: Man, François...
Dick: HE doesn't know them. You can say whatever you want. (Maddox giggles)
Maddox: Yeah I do! I've been to France a bunch of times.
Tim: Yeah man, you know me then. You know about...you know about the city of François.
Maddox: What's the airport you fly into in Paris?
Tim: The Gula Airport. (Maddox and Sean laugh)
Dick: Yeah? Great.
Maddox: That's what I thought. (giggles)
Dick: The Gula Airport. Named after French Prime Minister Robert Goulet.
Maddox: Uh-huh. (background laughter) Famous...famous airport. (cracks up) So fulla shit.
Tim: I mean, I dropped...I landed there, man. Come on.
Maddox: Mhm. M'kay, anyway.
Dick: What's the solution to this? Make kids run laps. (Maddox snorts) Gotta get those kids out there runnin' laps 'til they fall asleep.
Maddox: No! The solution is, in Fra-...in France, what they do is they try to identify and address the underlying psycho-social issues causing children's symptoms, not on finding the best pharmacological band-aids to which masks...uh, which masks the symptoms.
Maddox: And this is the final thing I wanna say -
Dick: (interjects) Psychiatrists drummin' up sales. That's what that is.
Dick: All of 'em.
Maddox: No, but it works. It's...it works more than drugs. Like, getting these kids hooked on drugs for the rest of their lives that may stunt their growth? Are you kidding me? That's a better solution??
Dick: No, running laps.
Maddox: Okay. (sneering)
Dick: That's the solution better than goin' to some shrink and talking for the rest of your life, better than drugs. There's plenty of fun drugs! Experiment with drugs when you're an adult. When you're...it's not gonna fry your brain up.
Maddox: Um, so from that Telegraph article, they continue. They say, "Now a study of nearly 400,000 children between 4 and 17 years old in Taiwan has shown that the percentage of youngsters diagnosed with ADHD significantly changes depending on month of birth." Okay? Listen to that again. Let me...I'm gonna repeat that. The amount of diagnosis of ADHD changes depending on which month you're born in. How is that at ALL consistent with this alleged diagnosis?
Dick: What do you mean?
Maddox: Can you guys make any sense of this?
Dick: Yeah, 'cause you're younger in school, so you're more hyperactive. Or you're older, and...so you're bored. I don't know. What's their conclusion?
Maddox: Yeah, that's actually...that's actually right. It's, uh...
Maddox: So these kids...there were, uh, there were... (article continues) "Just 2.8% of boys born in September have the condition, and the figure jumps to 4.5% in August, rising steadily over the school year." So they looked at some analysis and figured out why the diagnosis rate was so much higher in different months, and it turns out, the authors say that in many cases, it may be caused by teachers comparing the behavior of more mature children to those of youngsters who are up to a year younger.
Dick: Sure. Or boys and girls. Why the fuck are they in the same class? They learn in totally different ways. How do... (chuckles) How...how do you have a teaching curriculum designed to teach boys and girls the same thing at the same age? It's stupid.
Maddox: I think there's some overlap, and that may be another...you know, more...another interesting thing to look at. But that...that's so telling right there, because if you have a child who is born early into the school year or late into the school year so that they should skip a grade, but they don't necessarily, they are essentially cognitively one year behind the rest of their classmates. So when a ch-...when a teacher is just looking at all the kids in a classroom and they see the one little kid fidgeting, 'cause...you know, your child may be actually 3 or 4 years old instead of 5. Uh, at the age they're supposed to be. They might incorrectly diagnose this kid as having ADD or ADHD, getting this kid hopped up on drugs for the rest of his life, and then giving this kid a disorder where he thinks that he or she is a failure because they have this supposed condition. Anyway, it's a huge problem, man. ADHD diagnosis, ADD diagnosis. I think it's a bullshit disorder. You know what? And I've seen some extreme cases, and I've talked to them. I've heard all the sob stories, and people have had their lives changed with these drugs. They've been able to focus and be much more productive; great. If that's the case for you, fine. But you probably don't have ADD, guys.
Sean: I'm sure it's WAY overdiagnosed, and America's probably the leader in diagnosing ADHD, I would assume.
Maddox: It is! It's not...it's mostly an American phenomenon. You don't see this in France.
Sean: I can think of two people...you know, grown adults, who I watch operate, and it's like they're doing one thing and then the thought just completely leaves their mind, and they go do something else. And then it's like, "What was I doing?" It's almost like it's a surprise to them, like, "Why am I over here doing this? What was I doing?" It's very strange to see, because I...I've never really run across it in too many people.
Dick: What, you think that's ADHD? Is that what that is?
Sean: If...I don't know, man. I've seen people just get into a task, and then get distracted by something else and start doing that.
Sean: Without finishing the first thing. And these are really small, menial tasks. Like, they can't even stay focused long enough to do THAT.
Maddox: Well, it's happened to me, and I'm the smartest man in the universe. Like, sometimes I'll be working on something, and I'll get up and I'll start working on something else, and I'll stop that, and I'll -
Sean: (interjects) What page of your...?
Dick: Yeah. (laughing)
Sean: What page of your book is that? (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Are either one of those tasks writing your book?
Maddox: Yeah. (giggling) You know what? The book's comin' along fine, dickheads! (background laughter) The book's fine. Don't worry about it.
Dick: What percentage are we at on the book?
Maddox: Uh, honestly, about 67%. Yeah, makin' progress.
Dick: I wish I remember what number you threw out last time.
Tim: Yeah, well, MY book's at 100%. (Dick and Sean laugh) Already complete with my book, Maddoff.
Maddox: Tim, you don't have a book. You have a pamphlet.
Dick: What's your book called?
Tim: Man, it's called...
Sean: "The Pop-Up Guide to - "
Tim: (interjects) (sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz! PEW PEW PEW PEW PEWWW!")
Dick: Oh. That's a good book!
Maddox: Yeah. (irritated)
Dick: What do you talk about?
Tim: I talk about the struggle, man.
Dick: Yeah? (background laughter)
Tim: I talk about every day...
Dick: Is it...you talk...you literally...your book is "My Struggle"?
Tim: It's called "Tim Changzzzz..." (background laughter)
Sean: Oh, god. (from background) (laughs)
Dick: Is that...? (laughs)
Tim: It's called "Tim..." (cracks up)
Tim: It's called "Tim Changzzzzz: My Struggle."
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling) (more background laughter)
Tim: Three thous-...three thou-...
Dick: (interjects) Uh, you might wanna check the title on that one. Someone else might already have taken it.
Maddox: Yeah. It sounds...
Tim: Oh, man.
Dick: There might be a famous book...
Maddox: It sounds like you...
Dick: ...called "My Struggle."
Maddox: It sounds like you struggled to come up with that title.
Tim: Nah, man.
Dick: Yeah. Do you offer any solutions in the book?
Tim: Yeah, man.
Dick: About your struggle?
Tim: The solution is solving the problem.
Dick: Oho, yeah? (grins)
Maddox: Hey, speaking of problems, Tim, what's your bullsh-...do you have a -
Dick: (interjects) Look, don't...look, don't get your kids addicted to Ritalin, but do get them addicted to Harry's shave. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Right? Today's show is brought to you by Harry's. Visit http://harrys.com and use the promo code "BIGGESTPROBLEM" to save $5 off your first purchase. We've got...these are excellent blades. They're German-engineered, they've got fi-...you got a 5-blade cartridge for a close and comfortable shave with no cuts or burn. Maddox and I have been using them for a year. I love the shit out of mine. Tim, we should probably hook you up with a gift box.
Tim: Hook me up, homie.
Dick: 'Cause you shave...you shave all the time.
Tim: I shave every single day.
Tim: Of my life.
Dick: Yeah, you're -
Maddox: (interjects) Your mom's upper lip, maybe. (giggles to himself)
Sean: No!! (from background)
Dick: Oh, wow.
Tim: Hey, come on! My mom's DEAD. (everyone else laughs)
Dick: Every time.
Maddox: Then the hair should stop growing! (giggles)
Dick: Every time. (Sean cackles) Why pay...why pay $32 for an 8-pack of blades when you can get them for half the price at http://harrys.com. The starter set is an amazing deal. For just $15 you get a razor, moisturizing shave cream and 3 razor blades. For you or your mom.
Tim: Thank you.
Dick: Either one. You get $5 off.
Tim: She passed away, but I will gladly shave my mom. (grossed out noises from background) Even though she dead. It's all good.
Maddox: You can moisturize her too. (giggling)
Dick: She'll love the feel of the Harry's razor.
Tim: Yes. Harry's, thank y'all so much. Alright! Let me get my fuckin' problem, man.
Maddox: You don't have a...you don't get to have a problem, Tim!!
Tim: Yes, I -
Dick: (interjects) You said one-on-one! He said when he came in, he's doing a showdown.
Maddox: You got a problem??
Tim: One-on-one! One-on-one.
Dick: You agreed to it!
Maddox: Okay, fine! What's your bullshit-ass problem? Let's hear it.
Tim: Alright, look. Ever since I came on this podcast, I've been nothin' but nice to you, Maddoff.
Maddox: Nuisance. You mispronounced "nuisance." (background laughter) (giggles)
Tim: I was an audio engineer... (Dick guffaws) ...to help... (Maddox still laughing)
Dick: You were a fill-in.
Tim: To help this podcast.
Dick: Yeah, you were a fill-in. Last-minute fill-in.
Tim: Alright? I was helpin' y'all out. I put you on my top 5 celeb friends video, 'cause I thought you was my friend. ("freyund")
Maddox: That was an ambush video. You came, you trespassed. You...you're not allowed on my property anymore. I'm still working on...I'm filing the paperwork for the restraining order. Alright?
Tim: Doesn't mattah. I know people in the government. (Maddox scoffs) Alright.
Dick: Who do you know in the government?
Tim: Barack Obama. (Dick and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Okay. Yeah, of course.
Maddox: Of course!
Dick: What's your problem?
Tim: This is my problem. And this includes you, Maddoff.
Maddox: Okay. (cracks up)
Dick: Oh, it DEFINITELY includes Maddoff.
Tim: Maddoff, you the biggest hater of me, man!
Tim: You don't think I'm a DJ?! I just made 7 drops!! (Tim: "Dick Masterson.") (Small child's voice: "YAAAAAAAAAAY!") I made that one, I made this one... (Tim's voice with distortion: "SEAN: AUDIO ENGINEER.")
Dick: Yeah. (amused)
Maddox: Okay. (giggles)
Tim: And this one took half a day! (Tim: "Maddoff, you's a BITCH!") (shots firing) (Man's voice: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!") (fart noise)
Maddox: What the fuck is that even from?? Is that just Duke Nukem clips? Sound effects?
Tim: Nah, man. I got that from Google.com. (Maddox and Sean laugh) Now Maddoff, that's -
Dick: (interjects) So "haters" is your problem? I imagine you run into a lot of haters in your line of whatever it is that you call this. (Sean laughs)
Tim: Look, the only hater as far as I know is just Maddoff.
Maddox: It's "Maddox," shithead. You know what? Get it right, Tim, or I'm gonna del-...I'm gonna delete...Sean, delete everything Tim says. (stammers) Mute his mic!
Dick: You are a tremendous hater.
Tim: You are...you are a hater!! You...
Dick: You are the biggest hater I've ever met.
Tim: And you also hate your fam! You hate the people who listen to this podcast. You hate on them. You call them shitheads?!
Dick: That's true.
Tim: Why you call 'em that??
Dick: That's true! (Maddox sighs)
Tim: Why don't you just call 'em, like, "Hey, no, buddy! Don't do dat." (Dick and Sean laugh)
Maddox: Tim, you, uh...you actually have a point. It's...everything you're saying right now is true. I do... (cracks up)
Tim: You do say that!!
Maddox: I...yeah, I do. I do. I do think that...I do think lowly of most of the listeners, and... (Tim snorts)
Dick: Do you think that you're a hater? Do you think that...
Maddox: Yeah, I'm a h-...I'm a hater.
Dick: Yeah, you -
Maddox: (interjects) Of course I'm a hater!!
Dick: You bleed Haterade.
Dick: It's coursing through your veins.
Maddox: Biggest hater in the universe!
Maddox: The BEST hater in the universe, Tim. I will hate you more than ANYONE.
Tim: Well, guess what?
Tim: I don't give in to hate. I give in to love.
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Tim: So you know what, Maddoff? I still love you no matter what, but I do want to tell da fam right now that when they hear -
Maddox: (interjects) Why do you keep saying "fam"?! Who are you talkin' to?
Tim: I was talkin' about the fam!
Dick: The fam.
Tim: My friends!
Maddox: Is that short for "family"? Like, are you...do you think you're British too?? (cracks up)
Tim: That's my f-...what?! No, first of all, the British never say "fam."
Maddox: Who says "fam"?
Tim: My homies!
Dick: Cool people do.
Maddox: Old people say f-...??
Dick: COOL people.
Maddox: Oh, cool people.
Tim: The cool...yeah.
Tim: I mean, look. Me and my f-...
Dick: (interjects) Old people say "family."
Maddox: Oh. (chuckles)
Tim: Look, I want all da fam to know dis.
Maddox: Okay. (giggling)
Tim: I love Maddoff. Right?
Tim: But when you guys hear dis? (Tim: "Maddoff, you's a BITCH!")
(shots firing) (Man's voice: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!") (fart noise)
Tim: I want y'all to comment on the page and say, "Maddoff, you's a BITCH." (Dick cracks up)
Tim: I want y'all to comment on that when you hear this. Pause the podcast right now, and type below in the comments. Say, "Maddoff, you's a bitch." Then refresh the page, and then 'like' any comment that says "Maddoff, you's a bitch." (background laughter)
Dick: I mean, this isn't the worst guest problem that's ever been brought in.
Maddox: I think it is.
Dick: Well... (laughing)
Maddox: This is the worst guest, this is the worst -
Dick: (interjects) Give a listen to some of the old ones.
Maddox: The worst studio guest, the worst presence, I would just say. Like... (stammers) Look, if I'm...okay, I'm gonna rate you, Tim, as...as, uh, a human being. Okay? Uh...
Tim: Thank you.
Maddox: First of all... (Dick, Sean and Maddox all laugh)
Tim: (sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz!" + air horns)
Maddox: You sh-...I haven't even... (cracks up again) You're not gonna be thankin' me, shithead! You know what? I'll start with the positive. 'Kay? I'll start with the positive.
Tim: Alright, then.
Maddox: Your voice is damn sexy. Dick has a point. (background laughter)
Dick: Well, I didn't say "sexy."
Maddox: You...you said it was... (inaudible)
Dick: Just said if it matched...that the curtains matched the drapes, you'd be getting laid a lot more.
Maddox: Oh. Yeah. You guys should see...you guys don't see what's goin' on behind the scenes here. Dick is throbbing.
Tim: Yeah. He's jerkin' off right now. (Maddox giggling) Come on, Dick.
Maddox: 'Kay. So you're...those are...the positive's out of the way. Uh, you...your presence as a human? A one. A 1 out of 10. Like, I get the same energy from you as, like, a turnip.
Maddox: You know. A turnip that's old.
Maddox: I get the same -
Tim: (interjects) I like turnips, though. (Maddox snorts)
Dick: Yeah, who doesn't like turnips?
Tim: Right. It's healthy. It's a vegetable.
Dick: Make a stew out of them.
Maddox: Old people like turnips.
Tim: Alright. My spirit's 57.
Maddox: Then why don't you say "family" instead of "fam"??
Tim: I can say "family" and "fam"! What, I can't say both?
Maddox: You phony.
Dick: I think you're proving how horrible haters really are.
Tim: You are such a hater, Maddoff! You -
Dick: (interjects) You're proving how horrible this problem is.
Tim: You're finding so many reasons to hate me, and I've done nothin' but give you love. I show you peace and compassion, just like the United States.
Maddox: You sh-... (scoffs) What do you mean...what do you mean by that, Tim?
Sean: Just like Turkey. (laughing)
Tim: Just like Turkey!
Maddox: Oh. Yeah. (cracking up)
Tim: Just like -
Maddox: (interjects) Real deep! Real deep joke there, Sean. (giggles with Randy)
Sean: Sorry, yep.
Maddox: Sean with the stealth bomber over there. (laughs more)
Tim: Look, we all -
Dick: (interjects) Do you use a lot of love in your...in the rap game, or the DJ game?
Tim: Hell yeah, man!
Sean: Thank you, Randy.
Tim: I only use love. I...look, I only support people. I only give people love. I do yoga. Alright? Every other hour of the day.
Maddox: Every...every... (cracks up) So you're just spending 12 hours a day doin' yoga, Tim?
Dick: Don't be ridiculous. He's gotta sleep.
Tim: I mean, I sleep, but I do y-...
Dick: He just says he does it every hou-...other hour when he's awake.
Maddox: Every waking hour.
Dick: Yeah, of course.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Tim: Every waking hour, but also sometimes in my sleep. (Dick and Maddox laugh) You know? Look...
Maddox: You're doin' the Lying Dog or whatever. (giggles)
Tim: My message is this to all the people listenin' out there, alright? Look, it's -
Dick: (interjects) Downward Dog. It's...
Maddox: Downward Dog, yeah.
Tim: Don't hate on people, man! Because when you hate on people, look, you just wastin' your own time. Like, focus on yo'self.
Tim: You guys got things you all wanna do in life, right? So then go for that thing, man! Don't...don't put any other people down, especially don't put yo'self down. Look, support each othah. (Maddox snickers)
Maddox: Again... (giggles)
Maddox: This is gonna... (keeps laughing)
Tim: Support each othah. Alright? Support each othah, like the US support F-...Paree and the UK. And they support Israel, and they support Africa.
Dick: Well... (grins)
Tim: And they support Antarctica. Every...
Tim: The US support every single country in the world, just like every country support US!
Maddox: Okay, that...again, like I said...like I said -
Tim: (interjects) And when I say "US," I mean just us! I don't mean the country.
Maddox: I ge-...I get it.
Maddox: I get it, Tim. You know what? Like I...again, I think...I feel like everything you say is like a...is very quotable on a really shitty motivational poster. You could take that giant run-on sentence that you just said, plop it right on a motivational poster, with just...you know, a stack of manila envelopes, or whatever garbage-ass, non-inspirational...and then just hang it crookedly. Make that happen, forum! Instead of your stupid whatever quote you said earlier.
Tim: Look at that. Again, hatin'. (Tim: "Maddoff, you's a BITCH!")
Dick: Yeah. (chuckling)
(shots firing) (Man's voice: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!")
Dick: Cocking the laser pistol. (Maddox giggles)
Tim: My philos-...my philosophy is this, alright?
Tim: When pe-...no matter what people tell you...
Tim: ...you listen to them. And then you go... (Dick and Sean laugh hysterically)
Tim: Listen! Alright, listen. I ain't done. No matter what people tell you, listen to them. And then hear with ya ears. But don't... (Sean giggling) But don't take in what they sayin', but only take in what you believe you can do to change yourself. But what they're tellin' you is not to change yourself, don't listen to that. When people are tellin' you that you are only about as good as you can be, then go out and be as BEST as you can be. Because nothin' in life is ever gonna be da same, but when it's not the same? You gonna go and be different! Don't be the same if you not gonna be different. Difference is only the person that you are, and when you're the person, you know exactly how it's gonna be. So tell you what, let's go out there, let's make this money; let's get your dreams come true. But when dreams don't come true, you better go grab it and start sleepin' a little bit more. (Sean loses it) And then go inside yo' bed, and make sure that everything out there that you know is healthy for your body. Your body doesn't know exactly what it needs, so go and find it! But if you can't find it, go on the Internet and go search for it, then!! Because if you're not searchin' for it, then you givin' up, and you don't need to give up on life right now. Life is a positivity training. So go out, do ya thing, believe in ya'self. Don't hate nobody, 'cause hatin's only spewin' evilness, and evilness is not the kinda thing you need in this world right now. So in this world, you need to have wautah and get healthy. Eat yoga. (Dick giggling quietly)
Dick: Eat yoga??
Maddox: I think he meant to say "yogurt." (about to laugh)
Dick: Oh. Is that, like, an abbreviation? Like "fam"?
Maddox: Yeah, like "fam." Eat your yoga! (snickers) (Sean still laughing)
Dick: I would just like to point out that both Maddox and I, separ-...independently, have looked at Tim Changzzzzz while he's talking, because he seems to be reading this...
Dick: ...from something he's looking at, and both of us have looked to try to find what he's reading and found that there's nothing there.
Sean: I did too.
Dick: He's just staring through the table.
Maddox: Vacantly. (cracks up)
Dick: Did you finish? Is that your problem? Haters?
Maddox: Is it...do you have anything else you wanna add to the Haters problem, Tim? Which, again, I still don't know how it's a problem at all. How is that a pro-...how does it affect anybody in any negative way, Tim?
Sean: Was the moral to eat yogurt? (Maddox snickers) Is that what...? (cracks up) I wasn't paying attention.
Tim: The moral is to eat YOGA, man. Yoga is peace. Yoga is calm. Eat yoga. Enjoy.
Maddox: Oh, you're sa-...you actually meant to say "yoga"?
Dick: (chuckling) Yeah. Eat it.
Tim: And when I say "eat," I don't mean, like, actually physically use your mouth to eat yoga. I -
Dick: (interjects) It's a metaphor.
Tim: It's a metaphor.
Dick: It's just...yeah.
Tim: It's like a simile and shit.
Maddox: Like...like -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. You wouldn't get it, Madd-...
Tim: Yeah, you... (chuckles)
Tim: You wouldn't get it, MADDOFF.
Maddox: I only speak in literals.
Dick: That's true!
Tim: Man, you... (background laughter)
Maddox: What? What, Tim??
Tim: You said "deers," bitch. (everyone else laughs)
Dick: Is that...are you done?
Dick: Did you have anything else prepared?
Tim: Nah, I'm good, man.
Tim: That's my problem. Hope y'all don't hate nobody, alright? Stay love, stay fam.
Tim: (interjects) (sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz!" + air horns)
Maddox: You're like a busted Martin Luther King. (Sean giggles in the background) Like, if Martin Luther King couldn't speak at all, his diction was bad...
Dick: He wasn't black.
Maddox: (giggling) He wa-...wasn't black.
Dick: But he thought he was.
Maddox: Yeah, but thought he was black.
Maddox: Yeah, that's you. The busted Martin Luther King.
Tim: Hey man, I'll take credit when credit's due. (Maddox spits out laughing)
Maddox: Yeah. You will, and you won't be gettin' any. Ever. It's never gonna be due, buddy. (giggles with Randy)
Dick: Sean, did this live up to your expectations? You weren't here when Tim Changzzzzz was here last time.
Sean: No, it totally did.
Dick: Oh, good.
Sean: I wanted to be here so bad.
Maddox: Dick, what do you...
Dick: Are we ready for my problem? This is a side problem. I know...this isn't part of the beef that you guys have, the showdown. So this is just, like, a...you know, just vote it up. It doesn't have...there's no effect on the Maddoff/Tim Changzzzzz beef. Uh, it's lack of gym etiquette. Or poor gym etiquette.
Dick: I don't know how to phrase it, and I'll probably discover that while I'm talking about it. Obesity is a huge problem. Am I right?
Dick: Are you right?
Maddox: Big problem.
Dick: Tim Cha-...no??
Tim: No. Why? People can be whatever they wanna be.
Dick: Okay. That's...that's ridiculous.
Maddox: Tim...wrong. That's a fallacy. (chuckles)
Tim: Nah, don't fall.
Dick: But you know what makes it harder to go to the gym to lose all that weight, is horrible, horrible gym etiquette. Does anyone in this room, with a quick show of hands, know what I'm talking about? I susp-...yeah. I suspect we're gonna get about 50/50. Maddox, you're raising your hand.
Dick: You have a problem with poor gym etiquette as well?
Maddox: Well, I've seen it. You know, towel off a machine when you're done, and put the weights back in the rack.
Dick: Oh my god, it's so much worse than that. I'm just gonna go down the list here.
Dick: Talking? Talking while at the gym?
Maddox: What are...ehh, are you talkin' about, like, two people training at the gym and talking to each other?
Dick: I'm talking about these guys that walk into the gym acting like they're the mayor of Muscle Town. Going around to everybody at every station, checking in on them like they're running for office. "Hey, how's it..." Talking as loud as possible about what they did last...this weekend, what they're going to do, and none of it...none of it is gym-related! None of it is ever gym-rela-...they're never talking about working out, which makes it 10 times more distracting when they do it. It drives me insane.
Tim: But why? (Maddox snorts and laughs)
Dick: 'Cause I'm concentrating. On being at the gym.
Tim: Why do you need to care about what other people are sayin' to you? Why don't you just do your shit?
Dick: They're not even talking to me! It's just very distracting to...imagine you were trying to make more of these drops.
Dick: And somebody was behind you...
Dick: ...uh, making...doing drops out loud. That would be distracting to you making YOUR drops.
Tim: That's not possible. I got headphones on.
Maddox: Great. (background laughter)
Dick: What if... (cracks up)
Maddox: They're Beats by Dre, so you can hear everything outside. So Dick, what you're saying is, they're distracting. They...people who talk at the gym are the ADD of the gyms.
Maddox: They make you have...
Maddox: They invoke ADD, huh?
Dick: In me.
Maddox: Attention Deficit Disorder, in you, while you're workin' out.
Dick: Yeah! Yeah.
Maddox: It's an external symptom.
Maddox: Medica-... (cracks up)
Dick: Maybe I should be on drugs before I get to the gym.
Maddox: Yeah. Take some Prozac before you go lift. (laughs)
Dick: Missing equipment? Stealing? Stealing all of the handles?
Dick: Yeah? Does that happen at your...? Yeah, right? So there's these...the fucking triangles. The canvas straps with the handles on them that go to every machine at the gym are always missing. They're al-...there's always, like, two of them in the whole gym. And you need them for EVERY machine. Like, they turn the equipment, the ton...the thou-...2,000-pound equipment into something you can use with your hands. They're ESSENTIAL. They're the most important thing in there. There's always, like, two of them.
Dick: For the entire gym. They're always disappearing. And the employees there, everybody who works at the gym, they don't see it as a...they see it as, like, a public utility. They just go, like, "Eh, we're out of them. Tough luck!" I don't know who's convinced them that the gym works like Bartertown. Like, that nobody's responsible for anything. But if you ever need replacement equipment, you are S.O.L.
Sean: How 'bout this one? How 'bout the asshole who sits on the same machine for 15 minutes...
Sean: ...because he's fucking around with his phone?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah! Poor gym etiquette.
Sean: And like 4 people are waiting for it.
Dick: How 'bout this one? How 'bout the, uh, drinking faucets that people turn to face out so they can fill their water bottles, and then don't turn back the other way? So when you go to press the button to get water, it looks like you just pissed your pants! And you're walking around with sloppy shoes for the rest of the day.
Maddox: Oh, MAN.
Tim: Why don't you just turn the faucet...
Maddox: Yeah, just...
Tim: ...back the other way?
Maddox: Turn... (giggles) Back the other way.
Tim: That's right, Maddoff. Gimme a high five. (Maddox laughs and high fives him) Yeeeeeah. Yoooo!
Maddox: I actually high-fived Tim Ch-...
Maddox: ...Tim Chumpzzz for the first time in my life.
Dick: Yeah. (further away)
Tim: (sound effect: "Tiiiim Chaaaangzzzzz! PEW PEW PEW PEW PEWWW!")
Maddox: No. No, Tim. You did not earn that. NO.
Tim: You just gave me a high five! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, that doesn't mean play the drop! (buzzer sound effect) Here's MY drop. (background laughter)
Tim: That's not your drop! Your drop is this.
Maddox: (scoffs and laughs) Okay.
Tim: (Tim: "Maddoff, you's a BITCH!")
Maddox: So stupid. I'm...
(shots firing) (Man's voice: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!")
Maddox: You know what? Can you do a search-and-replace for sound clips, Sean? (fart noise) THAT should be a thing.
Dick: What's that? Search-and-replace for sound clips?
Maddox: Search-and-replace for a sound clip.
Maddox: Yeah, that should be...that's...you could do that! Actually, that's what a noise removal program is. Yeah, that's how you do it!! You highlight that segment of the audio cl-...uh, the audio file, set that to be noise, and then remove it from the entire track. DONE. Oh man, that's -
Tim: (interjects) Don't do that, Sean. (Maddox laughs) Come on, man. I made you a drop, Sean.
Sean: No, yeah, I got you.
Maddox: This episode's gonna sound great. (grins)
Sean: We're leavin' it all in.
Maddox: Aw, FUCK. (muttering) (Dick laughs)
Tim: Thank you so much.
Maddox: So Dick, uh -
Tim: (interjects) (Tim's voice with distortion: "SEAN: AUDIO ENGINEER.") (Maddox sighs) (Sean giggles in the background)
Maddox: In case you forgot, Sean is still here. Thank you, Tim Cha-...Tim Chumpzzz. So Dick, the, uh...a buddy of mine, his name's Michael Capes. He has this YouTube series called "The Hacks of Life," and it's kind of a parody of all the lifehacks and things like that out there.
Maddox: He made this video about, you know, hacking the gym, and...you know, getting in for free, and all these other things. It's a really funny video.
Dick: Getting in for free??
Maddox: Oh yeah, man.
Dick: Just walking in?
Maddox: This is, like, my-level shit. I do this shit too all the time. Especially at hotels. At hotels I am not staying at. I walk in and use their gym CONSISTENTLY, and I always get away with it. And basically -
Dick: (interjects) Hotel gyms kinda suck, though.
Dick: Hotel gyms suck.
Maddox: Well, what gyms are YOU goin' to that don't have triangles? Wh-... (stammers and laughs) It doesn't sound like the gyms you're goin' to are much better!
Dick: Well, they're all...that's why I almost wanted to just bring in "gyms," as a whole, but ehh, they're...you know, they're a necessary evil. What am I, gonna have a...a whole Olympic weight set in the parking garage of my apartment? That's not gonna work.
Maddox: Yeah, some people get those gym sets, and then they never use them at home.
Dick: So what is your friend's lifehack advice?
Maddox: Yeah, he had this one about, uh...Sean...'cause it reminded me of when Sean said that some guys just sit at the machine for 45 minutes or whatever. He put...he went into the gym to try to push the envelope of how outrageous you can be in terms of reserving equipment. He walked over to a weight bench and put an "out of order" sign on the weight bench. (laughs with Sean) And then he just recorded it for 20-30 minutes and people came by, looked at the sign, looked at the bench, and then walked away.
Dick: But that's a real thing!
Maddox: How can a weight bench be out of order?
Dick: If the bolts are broken and it collapses while you're trying to lift like 300 pounds, you're gonna DIE.
Maddox: Yeah, well...
Dick: It's a...having an out-of-order weight bench is a very real thing.
Maddox: These benches aren't ones that have bolts in them. They're welded. They're solid steel b-...
Dick: But they're bolted to the floor.
Maddox: Yeah, uhh...
Dick: Like, having an...I don't think that's as crazy as an audience who doesn't work out would see it.
Maddox: Dick, if you saw an "out of order" sign on a weight bench, wouldn't you just k-...you know, kick it, see how stable it is? Why would it ever be -
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, but it's stable until you're lifting a tremendous amount of weight, and then it's fucked! I would assume that it's not some gym-noid running around, sticking "out of order" signs randomly. I would assume something bad happened on this weight bench...
Maddox: Yeah, and...
Dick: ...that I don't wanna find out. I'll just wait 'til the next one is available.
Sean: It would be funny if those signs were stuck on dumbbells. (Randy laughs)
Dick: Yes! That...it would be a lot funnier than...or a mirror, or something like that. But not a bench! Those things have, uh...
Maddox: That's -
Dick: (interjects) Those things can come apart on you.
Maddox: That's exactly why it works. Have you ever seen one come apart?
Dick: I've seen a bench break, sure!
Maddox: Huh. I've never seen it.
Dick: Oh, yeah!
Maddox: But again, you're at the gym with no triangles, and people -
Dick: (interjects) Well, I mean, I'm at the gym.
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
Dick: Let's just finish the... (Sean laughs)
Dick: Let's start there.
Maddox: What do you g-...what else you got? Yeah.
Dick: I got PDA's. Those are bad. Public displays of affection?
Maddox: PDA's at the gym?!
Dick: Oh, dude. They're the worst, because it's, like, the only chick in there, and odds are you're gonna be staring at her the entire time.
Tim: That's true.
Maddox: Do you take, uh...oh, well, you don't do treadmill. I was gonna ask if you take a treadmill or an elliptical, or something behind her.
Dick: No, I don't do...
Maddox: You don't do it like me.
Dick: I've tried to do treadmills just because the girls are up there.
Dick: Like, to...look at them?
Dick: Or, well...maybe, you know, like...strike up a conversation about the 6 o'clock news, or whatever happens to be on? (background laughter)
Maddox: So... (chuckles) So, breaking your own violation?
Maddox: Your own rule?
Dick: No, I can't do it.
Maddox: Gym etiquette.
Dick: I can't do it.
Dick: I just can't. I c-...I can't do it. I get bored. Maybe I have A-...running ADHD. 'Cause I can't get on a treadmill for longer than like 3 minutes without wanting to kill myself.
Tim: You wanna kill yo'self??
Dick: Yeah, man. Boredom. It's a big problem.
Tim: But you can't be bored. You're running. (Dick and Sean crack up)
Dick: What do you mean?
Tim: I mean, you're runnin'. How can you be bored? Like, you -
Maddox: (interjects) Running is the most boring thing, Tim.
Dick: (chuckling) How much do you...
Dick: How much do you think about while you're running?
Tim: I think about every-...I think about DJing, I think about Tammy, I think about eating hot dogs...
Dick: Yeah, but it's just like sitting in a room by yourself, is the s-...is like running.
Tim: Right, but that's 'cause -
Dick: (interjects) It's very boring.
Tim: That's 'cause your mind's not focused on somethin' else. You thinkin' about the running. You gotta be thinkin' about somethin' else.
Dick: Yeah. Well, you're probably right.
Tim: (chuckles) I AM right.
Dick: You usually are. (background laughter)
Tim: Thank you.
Dick: Guys walking right by you? These guys cruise...guys are cruising around the gym on their phones, while you're...whatever you're doing, right? They always find the perfect moment to walk RIGHT BY YOU while you're...while you're moving your arms. You need full extension. You need full range of motion here. Right? I'm moving my arms all the way out to the side. When you're in, that's the moment when they're wandering through with their posse, talking abou-...talking in general at the gym, which they shouldn't be doing, and you have to pause during your workout and wait for these assholes to walk by you. It's very frustrating.
Maddox: Yeah, I don't know, Dick. I don't, uh, I don't experience these problems at the gyms that I go to, because I go to smaller gyms. That's the solution. If you wanna avoid all this bullshit, just go to a smaller gym. Never EVER go to a 24 Hour Fitness. They are AWFUL.
Dick: Where is there a smaller gym in LA? Like CrossFit?
Maddox: Oh, everywhere.
Dick: Those are packed.
Maddox: There's lots of independent gyms out there.
Maddox: They're usually trainer gyms. What, Sean?
Sean: What about the people who never wash their fucking gym clothes?
Maddox: Yeah, that's gross.
Sean: I've been in a small gym before where literally half of it could fuckin' knock a buzzard off a shit wagon. It was fuckin' awful.
Dick: Hm. It's disgusting. Re-rackin' the weights? How 'bout that one?
Maddox: Yeah. It's annoying!
Dick: You gotta take some...like, wh-...it's the employees again. Why is it...why are there...why is there "re-rack your weights" propaganda all over the gym? It's -
Tim: (interjects) Because nobody racks their weights. Right? Is that what it is?
Dick: Yeah, it's their job! We're not doin' it! No one's re-racking their weights. Signs aren't gonna fix the problem. You guys, take a texting break every once in a while, get up, and move them around! Put them back where they're supposed to be.
Tim: Let's be honest. Do you do dat?
Dick: Re-rack the weights?
Dick: Yeah! Sometimes.
Tim: Respect. Alright.
Dick: Not the 15's. I don't take them back to the aerobics...
Tim: Oookay, you mothafucka.
Maddox: Yeah, that's where you meet the chicks, Dick. In the aerobics area.
Maddox: Mhm! You wanna pick up those pink dumbbells. (smiles)
Maddox: The pink and the g-...
Dick: Misuse of equipment? People doin' tricep kickbacks on bench machines? It's ve-...the whole thing's very...the whole experience is frustrating.
Dick: That's it.
Dick: That's my problem.
Dick: Vote it up. Probably not as big as Haters.
Sean: (laughing) I don't think this one's gettin' voted up. (Maddox and Randy laugh)
Dick: Yeah. Well, if you go to the gym, vote it up.
Maddox: Yeah. Not Ti-...we know Tim doesn't, 'cause he's doing yoga in his sleep, apparently.
Tim: I'm doin' yoga, I'm workin' out, I'm weigh-...I'm doin' basketball in the gym...
Maddox: Mhm. (skeptical)
Tim: I'm liftin', do-...I'm doin' squat presses.
Maddox: Yeah. How much do you lift, Tim?
Tim: 300 pounds. (Maddox giggles)
Dick: That's n-...
Tim: I mean, it's pret-...I -
Dick: (interjects) That's normal.
Tim: That's normal!
Dick: That's good! Good for you.
Tim: Yeah Maddoff, you wouldn't know anything about that, 'cause you don't go to da gym.
Tim: Bitch! (everyone else laughs) Maddoff, you's a BITCH.
Maddox: (yells) Tim...oh, you know what, Tim?? Vote YOURSELF up, shithead! I'm gonna put Tim Chumpzzz on the, uh, the problem list.
Tim: That's alright!
Maddox: 'Cause YOU'RE a ha-...you're a hater! All you do is hate on ME, Tim. All I do is provide and provide and provide. I'm a giver, and you're a receiver. (cracking up) All you do... (laughs with Sean)
Tim: Okay! That's...that's alright. I like th-... (cracks up)
Maddox: All you do... (laughs) All you do is receive, and then...and, and...there's no appreciation for it!
Maddox: Yeah! You call me t-...you call me "Maddoff," you got these, like, shitty sound drops with FARTS and laser beams in them?! (Sean giggles)
Tim: Yeah!! 'Cause...'cause you was hatin' on me first!
Maddox: How DARE you.
Tim: Fine. I tell you what, I'll make a beat for you right now.
Tim: Make you a drop right now.
Dick: What, live?
Tim: Live! Right now!
Maddox: It's a live drop? (chuckling)
Tim: Live...live drop, right now. Randy, get yo' cell phone. We g-...
Dick: (interjects) Wait, why do you need a cell phone?
Tim: I don't know. He likes to record shit. Alright. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Dick: Oh, get his cell phone to record a video of you doing it live?
Tim: Yeah, of me doin' it live. Also, you know, it can...you can match it with the podcast.
Tim: Makin' a drop right now. (pauses) Maddoff...you alright, man.
Maddox: Hey!! (happy)
Tim: You alright. Here's one more.
Dick: Yeah, that one sucked.
Tim: Maddoff...I love you, Maddoff.
Maddox: ('ding!' sound effect) (applause sound effect) Yeah!! Now that's what I call a sound drop! That's really cool. You know what? Now I have two ringtones I wanna listen to. I wanna hear that on loop, and then I wanna hear the other one where I'm talkin' about bein' a writer.
Tim: But you should also hear dis one. (Tim: "Maddoff, you's a BITCH!")
Maddox: Okay. GREAT.
(shots firing) (Man's voice: "AAAAAAAAAAH!!")
Maddox: Biggest hater in the universe. (fart noise) Alright guys, anything else? Dick, anything else? (Sean and Randy giggle in the background)
Maddox: Gentlemen, my problem this week... (closing riff starts) ...was ADD diagnosis.
Tim: My problem was fuckin' haters like Maddoff!
Dick: My problem was lack of gym etiquette.
Maddox: Thanks for listening.
Voicemail (male caller): Hey, Sean! I hear you're bringing in a problem. That's gonna be great! You know? We'd love to hear a problem from you.
Voicemail: If you don't accidentally delete it first. (Sean grumbles) (Maddox laughs) Dick, go fuck yourself.
Tim: Daaaaamn. (chuckling)
Sean: There has to be, like, a ton of those. (Maddox and Randy giggle) There has to be!
Dick: I don't know. (chuckles) (plays next voicemail message)
Voicemail (male caller): (sounds woozy) Hey guys, this is Cage from Washington. Oh my god, I look forward to Sean's problem. I...
Maddox: Whoa. Too much.
Voicemail: Love the shooooow! Ahh.
Tim: He's havin' a good time.
Voicemail: Well, actually, I'm goin' under way soon, soooo...I'll probably see ya when I get baaack. (laughs giddily) (Dick and Maddox crack up)
Dick: I don't know. (laughing)
Tim: This dude is dope.
Voicemail: Jesus. Aaagh! See you guys. Well, I mean, not seein' you guys. I'll listen to the show.
Tim: Nah, I'll see you, man.
Voicemail: Keep it up!! Bye-byyye! (voice cracking)
Maddox: What was he doing?! What was that...?
Sean: I'm so confused. (Randy laughs)
Tim: He's happy. He's...
Dick: I don't know. It started normal, then it got real weird.
Tim: He's a happy...he's a happy dude, man. I like that dude.
Dick: Yeah. Uh, here's someone who's asking about the bumper sticker on your car. (plays next voicemail message)
Voicemail (male caller): Hey Maddox, I got a question about, uh, your bumper sticker. The one that gets you outta trouble.
Voicemail: It doesn't happen to be a set of multicolored puzzle pieces, does it? I'm just asking.
Maddox: Mmmmulti-...colored... (confused)
Dick: Is it?
Sean: Autism! (about to laugh)
Maddox: Ohh! (cracks up)
Dick: Oh, is that what it means?
Sean: Autism awareness. (everyone keeps laughing)
Sean: Ahhh, voicemail of the day.
Maddox: That's...yeah. (giggles to himself)