Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 94
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.patreon.com/lafmodel
Today’s show is brought to you by Casper! Get $50 toward any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code BIGGEST.
(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Dirty Boxers to the Oscars! (Asterios and Dick laugh) With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what’s up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: And joining us again is Asterios. Welcome back, gentlemen. Welcome back, everyone.
Asterios: Thanks for having me.
Maddox: Yeah. Episode 94.
Dick: We didn’t…we’ve never done the Oscars, have we?
Dick: No. We did Being Black, though.
Dick: I mean, we basically covered everything that’s wrong with the Oscars.
Maddox: We got…(laughs)
Dick: And their offensive racism! How dare they not celebrate black people for making stupid movies! (Asterios and Maddox laugh) How dare they leave out minorities for making a bunch of pretend horseshit that no one should care about!
Maddox: Dick, you were so close. You were so close to…
Dick: Ohh. Nice little statue.
Maddox: Oh, my…
Dick: (interjects) (whining) Not enough black people got this worthless statue of a gold buttplug!
Dick: Fuck you!!
Maddox: Yeah. You came asymptotically close to having any kind of empathy in that last episode of the problem of Being Black, and then just BLEW IT ALL. Blew it all in the intro.
Dick: Oh, man, fuck people and their awards.
Dick: Fuck your awards. Who cares?
Maddox: I could go on a RANT about the Oscars. The Oscars so white, all this horseshit. Uh, yeah. I’m sorry there weren’t more African Americans in the Revenant! (they laugh)
Dick: In the 1830s!!
Maddox: In the 1830s.
Maddox: I’m sorry this movie about…this period piece where…I’m sorry there weren’t more black people in the Danish Girl!!! The Danish Girl.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah. I’m sorry guys! And you know what? Look at the numbers. Look at the statistics. The number of black people who’ve won Oscars is 17%.
Dick: It’s the same, yeah.
Maddox: Higher than the percentage of black people in our population! What are you complaining about? Oh, yeah. “We went two years in a row without black people winning the Oscars! Holy shit! Let’s fucking end everything! It’s a fucking Klan rally up in the Oscars!”
Asterios: The statistics…
Dick: (interjects) How many Armenians have won Oscars?
Dick: Zero. (laughing) Where’s the rally?! Where’s the rally?
Maddox: (laughing) Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: I mean, it’s an entire industry that’s built on and its only function is to get attention for itself. Right? All movies are designed to capture your attention. The entire industry is built on getting your attention. And they’re complaining about something? Why does anyone take it seriously? That’s all…that’s literally all they do.
Sean: Well, it’s the industry giving itself awards.
Dick: Yeah. It is.
Asterios: Well, alright. Fuck the Oscars, obviously. No matter what.
Asterios: Like, but I mean, come on. Don’t you guys think that we deserve, like, more awesome black characters in movies? Like more awesome black heroes? I think about, like, a little kid in the eighties, like, going to the movies. I think about a little black kid going to the movies in the eighties, and all of the best heroes and all the coolest dudes are white. Which is why I was like, super into the new Star Wars movie, ‘cause it has a really cool, really funny black guy as the lead.
Dick: You thought he was funny?
Asterios: Yeah. You didn’t think he was funny?
Dick: No, I thought he was a dead fish.
Asterios: Well, you hated the entire movie.
Dick: I hated every part of it.
Asterios: He could have been Chinese and you would have hated the guy.
Maddox: He had good chemistry with the lead.
Sean: I guess. I thought he was small for the screen. I don’t think he was a hero! I didn’t buy him as being big enough and I don’t think you care about him enough.
Maddox: (interjects) No…
Dick: (interjects) Look, lemme say this. On…sorry. Go ahead. I’ll add it afterwards.
Maddox: Look, man. Ideally, yes, we would have representation.
Asterios: (interjects) I like the voice you’re using right now.
Dick: Yeah. So condescending.
Asterios: Ideally, buh, buh, buh, buh!!! (whines)
Maddox: We’d have…yeah. I know. I know.
Asterios: It’s like you’re making the jerk-off hand with your voice.
Maddox: Ugh. That’s what I’m doing!!!
Asterios: I know that’s what you’re doing! (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Right in everyone’s ears right now! But listen, man.
Asterios: (interjects) Just…how about this?! Name your fa…
Maddox: (interjects) Lemme finish this point.
Maddox: Lemme finish this point.
Dick: Calm down.
Maddox: Ideally, we would have representation, okay? We have…every movie has one trans person, and, like, three gay guys, and you know, 13 black guys. Like, ideally.
Dick: And the white guy’s the bad guy.
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)
Dick: He’s a r…and they’re all Donald Trump. It’s just a white man playing Donald Trump, and he’s the bad guy. In every movie.
Sean: With a British accent.
Dick: Yes, with a British accent. (laughing)
Sean: Has to have the British accent for the villain. The white villain.
Maddox: Look. Look, guys. No one’s arguing against that.
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. We all support that.
Maddox: I want my film and I want my media sometimes to represent real life. Right? Sometimes. But here’s the reality of the situation. These people are in show BUSINESS.
Asterios: THESE PEOPLE, Maddox?! THEEEEEEEESE people?!!
Dick: Yeah. These people. (giggles)
Maddox: I’m talking about the producers. The studios. They are in BUSINESS to make MONEY. They’re not going to cast some Joe Schmoe just to, like, fill a quota. Some imaginary quota. They want to make dollars! And they know Christian Bale can bring a return on their investment. That’s all they care about! This does…this has nothing to do with race. Nothing to do with gender! Nothing to do with sexuality! It’s just investors putting money into a project that they want to see a return on! Period! That’s it! They don’t give a fuck about race or anything else! They’re just looking to make money.
Dick: That’s why Tyler Perry exists. He’s just never gonna win any Oscars.
Maddox: He’s making TONS of mo…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah. That’s what I’m saying.
Dick: (interjects) Look. Lemme say this.
Dick: You’re talking about growing up being a kid and seeing a black hero. Okay, first of all. One of the greatest black heroes that you’re overlooking is Zeke from No Holds Barred.
Maddox: Aw, I thought you were gonna say Shaft.
Dick: I mean, what gets better than that? That guy was a behemoth. (Asterios laughs) He’d beat the hell of out of Hulk Hogan! It doesn’t get any more powerful than that.
Asterios: Didn’t Hulk Hogan win in the end?
Dick: Doesn’t matter. Doesn’t matter.
Asterios: Of course it matters!!!
Dick: It doesn’t matter.
Asterios: I’m just…look. I don’t think you…I don’t think when you make a movie you should pull out a checklist and be, like, “Do we have a this?” “Do we have a that?” “Do we have this?” But it’s like, I don’t know. I just think that in general…like, name some of the coolest black movie heroes you can think of right now.
Asterios: Okay. Keep going.
Maddox: Samuel L. Jackson.
Asterios: In what?
Maddox: Pulp Fiction. In anything, yeah.
Asterios: Okay. Yeah. Keep going.
Dick: Yeah. Samuel L. Jackson. Ali G.
Asterios: That’s a white guy. (Maddox laughs) Pretending to be black. Look, I can think of acts…
Maddox: (interjects) Ving Rhames!!
Asterios: I can think of Axel F.
Maddox: Ving Rhames.
Asterios: Ving Rhames in what?
Maddox: In Dawn of the Dead.
Asterios: Okay, what’s the character….
Dick: (interjects) Lando Calrissian!
Maddox: (interjects) In Predator! What about in Predator?
Asterios: Okay. What’s that character’s name?
Maddox: I don’t remember.
Dick: In what? In Predator?
Asterios: Yeah, exa…yeah.
Dick: It’s Dylan. Dylan.
Dick: You son of a beetch! It’s Dylan, you son of a beetch!
Asterios: I’m asking! I’m asking you guys.
Maddox: Yeah. (they laugh)
Dick: Everyone knows what his name is, Asterios!
Asterios: Alright, now let’s name our favorite white heroes.
Dick: I can’t think of one!
Asterios: Indiana Jones.
(they all talk over each other)
Maddox: Asterios! I can’t think of a single one.
(inaudible while they all talk)
Asterios: Oh, you can’t think of a single one?
Maddox: No, not a single white c…(laughs)
Asterios: Really? You can’t think of a single white hero?!!
Maddox: Asterios, but again…
Asterios: (interjects) The guy from Guardians of the Galaxy!
Dick: He’s w…no, he’s not white. No.
Asterios: The guy! The white guy?
Dick: He’s Appalachian American, please. (they laugh) Alright. You got any comments? How’d we do? How’d we do? How’d we do?
Maddox: Yeah, speaking of checklists, guys.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Dick: Speaking of black people getting the shaft. (Maddox laughs)
Maddox: Biggest problem in the universe from last week was Being Black.
Dick: There we go.
Maddox: Big problem, as we proved in the intro to this show! Completely destroyed the goodwill we built!
Dick: Not a huge problem, though.
Maddox: No. It was in the medium range of problems.
Maddox: Uh, followed by Google Delegators.
Maddox: And then Wallets got trounced.
Maddox: Nobody thought Wallets was a problem, apparently. In fact, you guys think it’s a solution, so fuck you!
Dick: Yeah. (giggles) (Asterios guffaws) Well, it’s literally a solution.
Maddox: To what?! What problem?!
Dick: Having a bunch of, like, loose money and cards and shit in your pockets like a child.
Asterios: (interjects) I lost…sorry.
Dick: You’re pulling out, like, a slingshot, and marbles.
Dick: When you go to the bar. Like, it’s just a nice, little, compact thing.
Dick: To keep all of your important documents and cash.
Maddox: It’s a purse. Call it a purse, Dick. (Dick guffaws)
Asterios: I lost my ID last night, ‘cause I didn’t bring my wallet with me.
Sean: (interjects) It’s not a purse!
Asterios: I was going dancing last night, and I was like, “I don’t wanna have a big, thick wallet.”
Dick: (interjects) Wait, that sounds like a h…
Dick: What were you…
Maddox: (interjects) Dancing? Where were you dancing?
Dick: You were going dancing? What are you talking about?
Asterios: You guys don’t…I went to, like a club. I went to go dancing.
Dick: Really?! (scoffs)
Maddox: What do you, go to the discotheque?! (laughs)
Dick: (laughing) What’s going on?!
Asterios: Why are you guys treating me like I’m an asshole for doing something that people have been doing for entertainment for hundreds of years?!
Dick: (interjects) Because…
Asterios: (interjects) You live in Los Angeles. Do you know how many…you could throw a rock and hit a bar where there’s dancing right now! Just ‘cause you guys don’t dance. Don’t get…aren’t you the one that starts the dancing at weddings?!
Dick: No, no. Don’t change the…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Don’t change the subject.
Maddox: We’re not changing the subject. (laughs)
Dick: We’re not changing the subject. Did you go to, like…
Asterios: (interjects) You love dancing!
Asterios: I’ve seen you BOTH…
Dick: (interjects) Did you go to, like, a disco?
Asterios: I went…it was…I went to the Echoplex.
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: To dance!
Maddox: That place is cool.
Dick: To go dance with some ladies. (grins)
Asterios: I’ve seen you both dancing at weddings.
Dick: Yeah, but we have a genetic defect.
Dick: We’re….I’m Mexican. He’s Middle Eastern. We need to dance.
Asterios: (interjects) You guys l…
Dick: Armenian. We need…
Asterios: (interjects) I’m Greek! What do you think we do all day!?
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, no shit.
Asterios: We fucking dance around in a circle and we break plates! Anyway. Long story short, I didn’t bring my wallet, ‘cause I was like, “I don’t wanna have this big fucking thing in my pocket.” And yeah, I lost my ID. And I have a flight on Tuesday.
Asterios: And so now I have to, like, run down to the DMV tomorrow and be, like, “Can you please just give me a fucking driver’s license so I can go on this goddamn airplane?”
Dick: Say it like that. (giggles) (Asterios laughs) See where you get, just for fun.
Maddox: You don’t have a passp…you’re Greek, you have a passport. You have a passport.
Asterios: My passport’s expired.
Maddox: Uhh…oh, yeah, that’s true.
Dick: So a wallet would have been a big solution for you.
Asterios: That’s what I’m saying. It would have been nice to have a wallet. I was an asshole!
Dick: See, this is what I was saying. Like, I agree with all of your academic points about how wallets are bad, but in practice, we have a man here who’s just lost his ID and is now fucked.
Maddox: Wait a second, Asterios. You lost just your ID?
Sean: I’m more concerned about him dancing. (they giggle)
Asterios: What do you mean, you’re more concerned about…(Sean laughs) What’s wrong with you people?!
Dick: I support him.
Maddox: Hold on. You lost just your…you lost your ID, right?
Asterios: I lost my ID, $21, and a debit card.
Maddox: And a debit card.
Dick: You lost everything?
Asterios: Yeah, ‘cause I wrapped ‘em all up and shoved ‘em in my pocket.
Maddox: Oh, that’s a wallet! That’s exactly the point I was…
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: That you should AVOID having a wallet for, ‘cause you lose everything in one shot!!! I never lose everything! In fact, I never lose anything.
Dick: Maybe you don’t dance as hard as Asterios.
Maddox: (giggles) Yeah.
Asterios: Yeah, that’s the thing.
Dick: That’s your problem. (grins)
Maddox: (interjects) Hey, guys, r…
Dick: (interjects) You just stand there sticking your fingers up in the air. (Maddox and Asterios laugh) Like you’re trying to pull tinsel off the ceiling.
Maddox: I dunno where you’re getting that. That’s not…
Sean: (interjects) Shit…
Maddox: (interjects) That’s not how I dance, asshole. I dance like a breakdancing…(they all laugh) I dance like a breakdancing badass, that’s how I dance!
Dick: Ohohoho!! (laughs)
Sean: Shit really flies out of your pocket when you’re doing the Worm.
Maddox: Yeah, Sean. And it’s cool as shit!
Maddox: I get laid like a motherfucker.
Sean: Mhmm. (skeptical)
(they talk over each other, inaudible) (they laugh)
Dick: I got some comments. John Constanzo. “Congrats, guys, on almost making it 100 episodes without saying the “N” word.” (they laugh) That’s pretty good!
Asterios: Better luck next time.
Dick: Pretty good.
Sean: Well, a black guy said it.
Dick: That’s racist.
Maddox: Yeah, you’re racist, Sean.
Sean: Did you hear what I said the last episode?!
Dick: (interjects) Tom Lund…
Sean: I got all the red cards.
Dick: Tom Lund says, “Maddox’s problem was basically a life hack. You’ll never carry a wallet again after you do THIS.” Wasn’t it kind of a life hack?
Maddox: No, it wasn’t… I guess. I don’t know. I mean, look. Here’s the thing. Before life hacks were a thing, these were just, like, “Hey guys, I got a good idea.”
Maddox: “Here’s a thing I do and it’s pretty awesome, and it solves this problem.” Now everything’s a fucking life hack with a stupid clickbait title.
Maddox: Pisses me off. Everything’s ruined. (Asterios laughs) I got a comment from Gina CM. She says, “Denzel sounds like a smooth, black Kermit the Frog.” (laughs)
Dick: I saw that too.
Dick: Does he? Does he sound like Kermit the Frog?
Dick: (Kermit imitation, sounds more like Yoda) “Hey, Miss Piggy.”
Maddox: I don’t think s…(laughs)
Dick: “Bring that bacon over here.” Does he sound like that? (they laugh)
Sean: That is the worst Kermit I’ve ever heard. (laughing)
Dick: Yeah, but he’s a Black Kermit!!
Sean: Oh, okay.
Dick: Otherwise I’d be like “Hrrrr.” (real Kermit)
Maddox: Oh, then that’s the best Black Kermit I’ve ever heard. (they all laugh) Um…hey. Just a real quick conclusion. A couple episodes back, I brought in crickets as a problem, which you guys have NO IDEA how much this fucking cricket has been tormenting me.
Maddox: Finally came to an exciting conclusion. I caught the fucker. And…I may or may not have eaten it. I made a YouTube video about it. So it’s finally…I finally caught the cricket that was tormenting me.
Dick: Oh, man. This is the state of creation on the Internet. A man eating a cricket.
Maddox: What? (laughing)
Asterios: May or may not have eaten a cricket!!
(they all talk over each other)
Asterios: That’s what we need to find out!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Dick: Why am I shitting on the Oscars? At least they’re trying to elevate.
Dick: You…making videos of maybe or may not eating crickets. On Yout…
Maddox: (interjects) I should get an Oscar! I should get all the Oscars.
Asterios: Look. Leonardo DiCaprio didn’t actually get raped by that bear. He actually ate the cricket.
Asterios: I think your video…(Maddox laughs) is better than the Revenant. Maybe.
Maddox: Yeah! I actually suffered! Leonardo DiCaprio ate Crafty every day in between for his lunch breaks.
Maddox: I ate a fucking dead insect!
Maddox: Maybe. Potentially. Allegedly.
Asterios: Better than the Oscars. (Maddox laughs) Allegedly. Perhaps.
Dick: Crafty. Crafty. So inside. Such an inside reference. Ate some Crafty.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: Alright, I got some voice mails here. They’re…you know. We bring in a problem like Being Black, and what are all the voice mails about?
Maddox: Being White?
Maddox: Oh, what!? (laughs)
Dick: All about wallets.
Maddox: Let’s hear it!!
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hi guys. I’m Maddox. And this is how I talk.”
Maddox: (snorts) No.
“Don’t bring the wallet with you. It’s too bulky. It takes up too much room. Instead, bring three fucking wallets with you!!”
Maddox: No, idiot.
“In case you get mugged three fucking times!” (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Such a fucking moron.
“It’s WAY more convenient. !!! Okay, thanks.”)
Maddox: Stupid redneck…son of a bitch.
Dick: That is what you said, though.
Maddox: You dumb shit. Listen. (Dick giggles) First of all…(laughs) Denzel’s like, “Well, what if you get mugged a third time or a fourth time?”
Maddox: It’s like, “Hey, Denzel, what if you get mugged once?” Then you still don’t have a wallet, and if you get mugged again in between in the time it takes for you to get home, then you’re out of fucking luck! What can I say?! I don’t know, man. I bring a fake wallet with me sometimes if I’m going…(Dick giggles) to dangerous areas. That’s it. I don’t…walk around with, like, multiple fake wallets on me, you morons!
Dick: That’s…why not?
Maddox: It’s like you only bring it when you need it! It’s like am umbrella.
Asterios: Does your fake wallet have, like, fake money in it that’s just like…
Dick: (laughing) (interjects) Like a joke?!
Dick: Like, fuck you.
Asterios: Holding up a dick at the viewer, that’s like, “You got fucked with these Maddox bucks!” (Dick cracks up)
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: Holy shit, Asterios!!
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Maddox: That is…brilliant! I’m going to stop putting real money in there and start putting fake money in there!
Asterios: That’s exac…you should put a single dollar bill in the front.
Asterios: And then the rest of it should be Maddox Bux.
Maddox: Maddox Bux.
Sean: It has, like, pictures of other people’s families in it. (Asterios cracks up)
Maddox: Actually, I have…
Dick: (interjects) Really hope that those Maddox Bux cost more to print than the money. (they giggle) I would not put it past you.
Asterios: Well, don’t forget about the sunk time.
Maddox: Yeah. I’m gonna put MadBux in there. That’s awesome.
Dick: Okay, here’s another one.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hey guys. Maddox made a lot of good points in regards to the whole wallet issue.”
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Maddox: Thank you.
“Um, you know, they can be bulky and all that. But what he forgot to mention was how much of a fucking child you look like when you go up to a bar and you pull a pocket of loose shit out.”
Dick: It’s true! (laughing)
Maddox: No, you don’t.
“Trying to…fumbling around for that right card. Or if you have cash, just a pocket of change and cash like a fucking asshole.”
Maddox: I don’t carry change, you fuck.
“What are you, six years old, dude? You know what looks fucking leet? When I come up to the bar and I pull out my $160 Giorgio Armani wallet straight from Italy.”
“Fucking chicks LOVE that.”)
Dick: It’s true.
Maddox: Some brand dropping there. Oh, yeah. Chicks love that. “Oh, is that a Giorgio Armani? Buuuuuuh.” (goofy voice)
Dick: Wait a minute. Are you saying that chicks don’t act like that and don’t love that? ‘Cause they definitely do.
Sean: They do, but they’re not gonna know shit about a wallet.
Maddox: They’re not gonna… yeah. They’re not gonna recognize that in a wallet.
Asterios: But if it says Giorgio Armani on it. See, brands exist so ch…
Dick: (interjects) I thought wallets were purses. Chicks know everything about purses.
Maddox: They do.
Asterios: And they know everything about brands.
Asterios: Brands exist so that chicks know you’ve got money.
Maddox: No. Here’s the thing. If you need to rely on your flashy bullshit to get laid…
Asterios: (interjects) Which I do.
Dick: Yeah, which everyone does. Don’t act like you’re above it.
Dick: You were T-shirts with your own face to show how famouser you are. (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Pretty cool.
Dick: Are you kidding me?
Maddox: Pretty cool.
Dick: You’re like Flava Flav with a copy of your book on a necklace. (Maddox laughs) At all times. That says “Bestseller: Me”.
Maddox: Yeah. I do have that.
Maddox: To be fair, you know, to your credit…point to Dick. (Dick laughs) Yeah. I do actually have that.
Dick: First one. Okay, here’s…this is a serious voice mail.
Asterios: Okay. (serious)
Dick: This is going back to the black problem.
Dick: Very serious one.
Dick: Uh, it really touched me.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Yooooooooo. Um…so I’m just adding to your problem that Denzel was talking about, about being black. Um…so I have this problem. I’ll say “Being Black, but Having an Average-Size Dick.”
Maddox: Huh!! (Sean laughs)
“You know, so. You know, I like to fuck white women and everything, but…”
Maddox: Okay. I mean…
Maddox: Everyone does.
Asterios: They’re the best.
Maddox: Even white women.
“I guess they expect that you have some, like, 10, 11-inch fucking…”
Maddox: Meat hammer.
“Hockey puck-thick dick, shit…(inaudible)”
“And then they see it and they’re like, “Oh.”
Maddox: Hockey stick, is what he meant to say.
“So…you have this fucking 6-inch fucking toilet paper roll. And I’m like. “Bitch, if you expect that shit from seeing all the fucking porn, and seeing Roots and shit, I guess.” (Maddox and Dick laugh) “That’s like being the fucking Asian kid that’s not smart.”
Dick: I haven’t seen Roots. Is that a part of it?
Maddox: Yeah. There’s a really graphic sex scene.
“So when I say ‘Oh, can you help me with this Calculus?’ and you’re like…’I barely passed Geometry.’”
Dick: Did it win an Oscar?
Asterios: Well it was a T…it won Emmys. Multiple Emmys.
Dick: Oh, okay.
“Yep, well. I love the podcast. Just heard of it two weeks ago. It’s funny and shit. I like it. Alright. (inaudible)”)
Dick: There you go. More perspective from the other side.
Maddox: Cool. Yeah. Not all stereotypes are true, people.
Dick: I mean, IMAGINE that! Imagine what you’re…you’re taking your underpants off.
Dick: And the chick’s expecting you to have, as he says, a hockey puck. A 10-inch hockey puck swinging between your legs. (Maddox laughs)
Dick: And you’ve got an above…merely an above-average-sized penis.
Maddox: That’s a very stubby dick, if you have a hockey puck dick. It’s very stubby.
Sean: Don’t you think…
Dick: (interjects) He was describing the circumference, though.
Maddox: Oh, is that what it…(laughs)
Asterios: If you coiled it up like a snake…that’s what he was describing.
Maddox: But even…people use, like, a Coke can as more of a thing for circumference. I’ve heard Coke can before, I’ve heard tube of toothpaste. (Dick scoffs) I’ve heard of pencils.
Asterios: You don’t know how the African American community works. (Sean laughs) And it’s sort of offensive for you to assume you do!
Dick: Yeah, it is. (laughs)
Maddox: Sorry. Sorry for making presumptions about how they describe their cocks!
Dick: Alright, I got one more voice mail. Um…from a friend of the show.
(Voice mail: Tim Changzzzzz: “Yo, Madoff!!”
Maddox: Fuck Tim Changzzzzz!
“I heard what you said, man! You said I’m not a real DJ?!”
“Come on, fam! Why you gotta say dat?!
Maddox: Guarantee. I’m not your family. I don’t know what that even means.
“I AM a real DJ.”
“Have you heard dis be-fo?”
(Sound effect: TIM CHAAAAAAAAANGZZZZZZZZZZZ!!! (beat drop with horns))
Maddox: That’s all he’s got.
“Why you do dis to me? I’m yo friend!! If you and I are goin’ have beef, then you better bring the broccoli.”
“Because…beef and broccoli are dope as fuck.”
Sean: Well, he’s Asian.
Maddox: Yeah, okay.
“What am I goin’ bring? I’m goin’ bring in a problem. That’s right, to yo podcast.”
Dick: No. (scoffs) (Maddox giggles)
“My problem is…why? Why, Madoff?”
Dick: There should be pauses.
Dick: Should be his problem.
“Why you stop being my friend?”)
Dick: Oh, so Tim Changz is….
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: Tim Changz, uh, horseshit. Which, by the way, he just posted a video. He stole some footage from me. He didn’t get my permission. He came over to my house! And knocked on my door, like, ambush style!! Like, “Hey Maddox…” Er, he calls me Madoff ‘cause he doesn’t even understand names. And he just stole some footage from me and put it in some video with me and Tom Middleditch. Middleditch? Middleditch. Middleditch.
Dick: I don’t know.
Asterios: Oh, the guy from…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah. From Silicon Valley.
Maddox: Yeah. Total bullshit.
Dick: I don’t know. Alright, I got a bunch of songs, but we’ll listen to ‘em later. Do we want to start with some problems?
Maddox: Let’s do it.
Dick: Start with some problems?
Maddox: Dick, why don’t you start us off?
Dick: Yep. My problem is Adults Living with Their Parents.
Maddox: Oh, okay. Well, hold on. So is this…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, you’re disagreeing already? (they crack up) Okay.
Maddox: No, but is this code for Millennials?
Dick: What do you mean, code for Millennials?
Maddox: ‘Cause this is a problem…well, I’ll…(stammers)
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, code?
Maddox: Let’s…I’m sorry. Let’s just hear what you got to say.
Dick: Do you have a pr…if it is Millennials, do you have a problem with that?
Maddox: I don’t know!
Dick: If it’s specifically millennials?
Sean: This has been happening a lot.
Dick: Yeah. Here’s the problem. “Well, hold on here!” (Maddox laughs) I got…first of all, the stats that you might being in are wrong!
Maddox: Go on.
Dick: Lemme…I’m just gonna show you a graph here. This is the percentage of 18 to 34-year-olds living with their parents. So this is a graph from 1994 to presently. That’s a worrisome graph. You’ll see that it climbs, pretty steadily, from 27% down in the 2005s to 32% now.
Dick: One out of three adults 18-35. 18-34. Is now living with their parents.
Asterios: Yeah, and that actually is…I mean, and that’s…an American graph. I mean, globally, it’s a big problem, too. Like, you know…there are certain countries where you don’t move out of your parents’ house until you get married.
Sean: Yeah, but that’s a culture thing.
Maddox: Well yeah, but that’s cultural. Yeah. It’s cultural.
Asterios: Yeah, but it’s also a huge fucking problem!
Dick: That’s a wrong culture, then. That’s a big problem with that.
Asterios: Yeah! Like, I dated a girl a long time ago who was Iranian, and she was, like, “I have to get married so I can move out of my parents’ house.” And I was like, “Well, I don’t want to get married.” And she was like, “ Well, then we can date for a little while, but this can’t be a long-term thing, because I have to get out of parents’ house.” And I was like, “Well, why don’t you move out of your parents’ house?” She’s like…
Dick: (interjects) She’s gotta get married first.
Asterios: “I can’t…” Exactly.
Dick: That was one of the reasons that I found why people aren’t living outside of their parents’ house, ‘cause marriage rates are on the decline.
Dick: So it’s just…yeah. Getting married…you can’t live at your parents’ house when you’re married, can you? Can you!? I don’t know! I don’t know how people live at their parents’ house at all!
Asterios: Yeah, I know.
Maddox: No, they do. It depends. Like Sean was saying, it’s cultural. Like in Middle Eastern…a lot of Middle Eastern countries. Even in Germany, I think?
Sean: The Philippines.
Asterios: In Italy.
Maddox: The Philippines, yeah.
Sean: Filipinos live with their…the family stays together a lot of the time.
Maddox: There’s a lot of ‘em.
Dick: Italy is 80%.
Dick: Of…young adults.
Dick: 80% of young adults live with their parents! Greece, 46%.
Dick: Like a half!!
Dick: One out of two!! So every…chick goes on a date with a guy, there’s a coin flip chance that he lives with his parents?!
Asterios: Or opposite, dude goes on a date with a chick, he want…what, are you gonna go back to her parents’ house to fuck?! Are you k…it’s impossible!
Sean: Dick. Do the years on that graph coincide with…
Dick: (interjects) Deez nuts. That’s what they coincide with.
Sean: Do they coincide…(laugh)
Asterios: With the crash?
Sean: Do they coincide with the recession?
Dick: So they…they rise…well, they start rising dramatically in 2006.
Sean: Okay, that’s before.
Dick: And then after the recession subsides, they don’t go back down.
Dick: So I think it’s got a lot more than just the recession to do with it. Like, I think it’s a big cultural shift, like you’re talking about.
Sean: Also, the…
Dick: (interjects) But in America.
Sean: Well, in America…
Maddox: (interjects) In America, yeah.
Sean: The college degree means a LOT less than it did, like, 10 or 15 years ago, don’t you think?
Dick: Sure. That’s true.
Sean: It’s kind of raised the bar, like, a four-year degree is now like the new graduating from high school.
Maddox: Right, um…so Dick, this phenomenon that’s occurring. I don’t really count Greece and Italy and the Mediterranean and all these other countries. ‘Cause I…
Dick: (interjects) Neither does the world.
Maddox: ‘Cause…(laughs) (Asterios laughs) For them, it’s cultural. And it’s something that’s been long-engrained. Like, I don’t think you’re going to find the same type of spike in the number of people who are living at home in these other countries, ‘cause it’s always been that way. But what’s interesting is this phenomenon that’s occurring in America specifically, and the age range you said is 18-34. That is millennials. That is the millennial age. And that’s one common criticism that millennials get. That’s why I asked at the top of this problem, “Are you talking about millennials?” Just so I have a better frame of reference.
Sean: That’s also…
(they all talk over teach other)
Asterios: (interjects) Well, if you don’t mind me saying…
Dick: (interjects) Why don’t you think the culture matters? Like, why do you think…
Asterios: (interjects) Yeah. ‘Cause I think that does.
Dick: Me too.
Dick: I think it’s a cultural shift happening in the US, making it more like these other cultures, which I’ve got a problem with.
Maddox: Well, if that’s…if it’s a cultural shift, then I don’t have a problem with it, because it’s just part of our culture, and cultures are largely arbitrary. They’re based on tradition and a bunch of weird horseshit that got passed down from generation to generation.
Dick: Don’t you have a problem with that?
Asterios: Yeah, the traditions suck, though.
Asterios: We hate all sorts of traditions. We hate female genital mutilation.
Asterios: We hate countries where women have to go out dressed up in a fucking garbage, like, because if someone sees their face, they might go to Hell. (Dick laughs) Like, there’s…we hate PLENTY of other cultures.
Asterios: We find them to be oppressive. We don’t…China is an oppressive, anti-Democratic regime. We don’t like that. The idea that you can be 35 in Italy, and you’re still living with your parents…
Dick: (interjects) 50-50.
Dick: Er, no, I’m sorry.
Asterios: No, it’s 80…
Dick: (interjects) Yeah, 80%!
Asterios: It’s 80-20. I mean, the idea that you’re a 35-year-old guy living in Italy with your mom and dad and you’re desperate to get married just so you can get the fuck out of there, so you have dive headfirst into some loveless marriage to get out of your p…it’s just…it’s a huge bummer!
Maddox: Well, Asterios, but this is your cultural imperialism, here. Because you’re basing this on your perspective based on your American culture. Like, the only reason we, here, sitting in this studio think that this is kind of weird is because WE are not used to it. To the rest of the world, it’s very commonplace.
Sean: I don’t think it’s a cultural shift in America, because that graph is REALLY severe.
Sean: Over a short number of years.
Sean: I don’t think culture changes THAT quickly.
Dick: Well, this graph is also stretched out so it looks severe.
Maddox: Well, 2006…it’s only been 10 years. I guess, over the course of the decade, I mean…
Dick: (interjects) It’s an entire generation.
Sean: (interjects) Well, no. That’s…
Dick: (interjects) It’s an entire generation that are living with their parents with…I mean, what are we gonna say here? 5% more frequency? That’s big! Because if it keeps going like that, we’ll be Italy in 2100. You know? Where all these kids are living at home. ‘Cause they’ve got student debt up to their ass!
Sean: Oh, yeah, six figures.
Dick: Like, how can they justify living in an apartment when you can just live at home and chew away at an indigestibly-sized student debt? Student loan?
Dick: But it has, like, a profound effect on your independence and quality…how are you gonna bang the shit out of a chick at your parents’ house?
Asterios: You can’t.
Dick: You can’t.
Sean: Did you see Old School with Will Ferrell?
Dick: I did. Why?
Sean: Well, ‘cause he lives in his mom’s basement. He just kills it.
Dick: I don’t remember that movie.
Sean: Yeah, he…
Maddox: He crushes that puss.
Sean: He literally yells for meatloaf. (they laugh) Oh, shit.
Asterios: Oh, sounds like someone else we know. (they all talk over each other)
Sean: Whatever! You know what the fuck I was talking about!
Asterios: Well, like…I mean, here’s what I have to say about it. It seems like this is sort of like a bifurcated problem. But I just think that they’re both bad. It’s like…well, if you think about it, alright, in Europe, perhaps the reason you stay with your parents until whenever is economic. You know, like, in Europe, the government takes a large chunk of your taxes.
Asterios: In…like, you know. And the trade-off is, you get a more robust social safety net. You know. I think in Sweden you have a guaranteed income of $21,000 per year. As a result, the government takes 75% of your taxes, at least. But it’s like…you know. Make sure…
Dick: (interjects) And a car costs 150% more.
Asterios: Oh, it…
Dick: (interjects) Like, everything’s a fortune there.
Asterios: Yeah. And going out to dinner in Sweden costs a million goddamn dollars.
Asterios: But here’s the thing. In America, now, thanks to income inequality, we are also all making a shitload less money, only our safety net is NOT good. (giggles) So, like…we’re getting the worst thing about Europe, which is…like, we’re all making less. And our money doesn’t go as far as it otherwise might, but we don’t have the benefit, which is like, well, we can still die on the street or starve to death, like, or we have to go the Emergency Room for all our fucking care.
Maddox: Right. So…I guess the…I don’t know what the problem is. Because there’s a false equivalency between female genital mutilation, which is a culturally abhorrent practice, and living at home. One mutilates your vagina and makes you have no sexual sensation; the other one is kind of annoying when you want to bring home a date.
Dick: So you’d rather live at home than have your vagina mutilated? (they laugh) Not me. I would way rather have my vagina mutilated than live at home.
Maddox: So, Dick, what’s the problem?
Dick: What do you mean, what’s the problem?
Maddox: What’s the problem with people living at home?
Dick: It sucks!
Maddox: And I’m not challenging you, I’m actually asking. Yeah.
Dick: It’s the extension of being a child.
Dick: When I go home…when I go home, and I love my parents. And they’re awesome. Being at home, for me, is like a vacation. That no one else in LA has, which I think is why everyone in LA is such a crazy asshole.
Dick: ‘Cause they’re stuck here in this hotbox of other crazy assholes. Not me! I can skip out.
Maddox: Let’s be more normal like Dick! Let’s all try to be more normalized like Dick, ‘cause you’re definitely not a crazy asshole.
Dick: You should BE so lucky.
Dick: So I go home and have a little R&R bed and breakfast vacation, but still…when I get there, part of my brain reverts to when I was, like, 13 years old. And that’s bad! All these…all these kids are now hopping out of college, going back to live with mom and dad until they’re, like, THIRTY. Which is…I’ll tell you something else. As a young adult, your brain is developing from…I think it’s what? White matter to grey matter? Whatever it is…
Asterios: (interjects) When the mile encloses, I think it’s like age 24 or something.
Dick: Yeah. As you approach 30, you’re still learning.
Dick: You’re still habituating your experiences and it’s closing up and it’s closing up. By the time you’re 30, you’re set.
Dick: That’s it. For the rest of your life. You think you’re gonna change? You’re gonna hit 50 and go on some…you think you’re gonna lose weight at 45? You’re not. (Asterios cackles) If you didn’t lose it at 30, you’re done. That’s your body for the rest of your life. So…all of these kids are remaining teenagers forever. They’re gonna be 80, and because they grew up with mom and dad until they were 30, they’re gonna be thinking like they’re teenagers still!
Maddox: You know, Dick. So when I ask you what the problem is, I’m not challenging, I’m actually just curious what…to hear what you think the problem is. Because I don’t think that’s it. Because if this was the case, then countries like Italy and countries like Greece, and all these other countries that have this phenomenon where, culturally, they do live at home. They’d just be a bunch of manchildren their entire lives. And that’s not the case at all!
Asterios: Have you been to Europe?!
Dick: So you’re saying…
Maddox: I have!! It’s great! (Dick laughs)
Dick: So you’re saying Greece would have big problems, if what I’m saying is true? (Asterios laughs)
Maddox: Greece. I mean, you know, that’s an exception. They have their…are you talking about their austerity measures and all that shit? (they all talk over each other)
Asterios: Wasn’t Italy’s prime minister caught, like, fucking a bunch of whores on TV?! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, but wasn’t our President caught getting a blowjob from an intern? I mean, where…
Asterios: (interjects) Not on tape!!
Maddox: Ohoho!! (laughs)
Asterios: Not like the equivalent of Hugh Hefner’s mansion! Maddox, if you don’t mind me saying, like…
Asterios: I feel like you could…I feel like you know why living at home is a problem.
Asterios: I understand you…
Asterios: I understand you wanting to tease this out for the listener. But, like, just playing along for a second, would you rather live at home, or would you rather live independently?
Asterios: Of course!
Maddox: 100…10/10, of course.
Dick: Then why…what is your deal with this, then?
Maddox: Well, I’m curious specifically…
Dick: (interjects) Why are you defending Italy and throwing these weird arguments out about it?
Maddox: I just want to hear a satisfying argument. ‘Cause I agree with you. (Sean laughs)
Asterios: Well, then make one yours…
Asterios: Well, then make one yourself!
Maddox: Okay. I’ll tell you personally. I think that unless you are independent and unless you go out into the world, smooth seas don’t make a good sailor, right? What’s that expression?
Asterios: Yeah. And you know, boats were made to go sailing. They weren’t made to stay in harbor. Safe ship helps no one.
Maddox: Yeah, safe ship helps no one.
Dick: A stitch in time saves nine, guys. (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: Yeah. Use the Force, Luke.
Maddox: No, but, smooth…
Dick: (interjects) Mind the gap.
Maddox: Smooth seas don’t make a good sailor. You need to become independent and learn the responsibility of taking care of yourself. I think that moving out is an important step in becoming an adult. And the most interesting thing you’ve said so far, to me, is the phenomenon that your brain kind of stops developing. Which, I don’t know. I mean, if that’s the case, again, why aren’t countries that practice this more culturally, why isn’t that more of a phenomenon? And is this really just a…
Dick: (interjects) Why is what more of a phenomenon? Just use Italy as an example? Why isn’t what in Italy more of a phenomenon?
Maddox: Okay, in Italy. Well, you’re saying, if you are…if you have a stunted development psychologically by living at home…
Maddox: I just don’t see that as being the case in Italy.
Dick: What the hell would you possibly measure that by?
Maddox: Well, um…
Dick: (interjects) Like, what do you know about Italian culture or li…I know very little about being Italian!
Asterios: I can tell you guys one thing about Italian culture that’s pretty manchildy. Uh…you can call in sick because there’s a soccer game on.
Asterios: And there’s, like, a huge outbreak of people not going to work in Italy because people are like, “Oh I’m sick and there’s a soccer game on.” So what they had to do was start hiring doctors to go around to people’s houses to make sure that they were actually sick.
Dick: Oh, sure!
Dick: Where does that come from!? Maybe because 80% of them are having their laundry done by Mom.
Asterios: Yeah, exactly!
Dick: Yeah. Here’s a…
Asterios: (interjects) Because they’re manchildren!
Dick: Here’s what else I know about Italy. At Oktoberfest, during Italian weekend, when all the Italians come in…
Dick: Every single waitress there says tips…has a button, in Italian, that says, “Tips please.” ‘Cause they don’t fucking tip!
Maddox: Yeah, Italians don’t tip. Right.
Asterios: That’s terrible.
Maddox: Well, no, because tipping is an American culture.
Asterios: You should tip…
Sean: (interjects) Lot of countries don’t tip.
Asterios: …these big-titted ladies at Oktoberfest, if no one else.
Sean: I know in Costa Rica, I was down there years ago. And they said, “If you’re gonna tip, tip a very little amount, because we don’t want to get them spoiled.” ‘Cause American tourists go down and tip, like, 20%.
Sean: And they’re like, “We don’t want them to know.”
Maddox: And they start to expect it.
Maddox: I think tipping is a huge problem. But yeah. So living at home, Dick, I agree. I think it can inhibit your growth in that you will not get the responsibility. Like, I…this is something I’ve dealt with personally, and one of my friends has a cousin who’s lived at home until he’s like, 40, 45 years old, something like that.
Dick: Yeah. And would you set them up with your sister? That person?
Maddox: Uh, no, probably not.
Maddox: Because he’s tried to date and you can tell that there’s something that hasn’t fully developed there. That independence. Because people who do live at home for too long…
Maddox: I think, can feel insecure about it. But I don’t know…I mean, I haven’t controlled for culture. Like…(stammers) I haven’t seen that to be the case in Italy with all my Italian friends and when I’ve gone to visit, that’s definitely not the case, because it is cultural. But out here, I think because there is that stigma of living at home, that it’s hard to control for whether or not they are fucked up because of our culture, or fucked up because they are living at home and there’s something else going on.
Dick: How about the parents? Can you imagine your kid? I floated this one by my parents. Um…after college, Sean and I lived in this giant house. We paid nothing in rent. Greatest times of my life, anyway. Cheap as shit, right? So that house was…we were breaking up that house, part of us were moving away, and I was at dinner at my parents’ house, and I was just, like, “Hey, maybe I’ll move back in here for a little bit after this house goes away.” Just ‘cause I hadn’t decided where I wanted to move after that. And the look I got from my fucking dad.
Dick: Was, like…”Hooo, well, uh, that’s definitely not gonna happen.”
Maddox: Yeah. (Asterios laughs)
Dick: And what I bring in is 40…61%. So, way more than half of parents with grown…way more than half, but not significantly more than half.
Dick: Parents with grown kids at home find this experience mostly positive.
Dick: According to this survey. So that’s…that’s 40% of parents who are, like, “Get these fucking kids out of my house.” (Asterios laughs) “Don’t you think you’ve done enough?” Like you’re old…you’re 30 years old in this case, your parents are, what? 50-something? And you’ve got these fucking kids in your house being 30? Oh, my God. That’s a big problem.
Asterios: And you feel like you’ve failed as a parent. Too.
Dick: I would think so.
Asterios: Like, my parents are so disappointed in my siblings. (Maddox laughs) Because they, like, they’ll come home for long stretches.
Dick: So this is personal for you, as well.
Asterios: Yeah. Absolutely. I mean, look. Recently I went home for a couple of weeks, ‘cause I was really, like, bummed out. You know, I’ve been going through some personal issues. And I remember after two weeks, my mom was, like, “Yeah, you gotta go. Like, I know it’s awesome to stay here and we make all your meals and you can play Katamari Damacy until 2 in the morning.”
Asterios: But she’s like, “You have to go out to Los Angeles where your friends are, and be an adult.” Like, she told me.
Asterios: And she was like, “You’re welcome here as long as you want, but it’ll be better for you if you leave.” Like, I think if you were to ask your Italian friends, “Would you prefer to live at home or would you prefer to live in your own place?” I mean, maybe this is just cultural imperialism, but I think they would prefer to live at home. Like…I’ve read plenty of articles about European living where, like, you get quotes from these people who are just, like, “I want to get the fuck out of here.”
Asterios: You know? It’s…I mean, but they’re your friends, so what would you think they’d say?
Maddox: They seem very happy. They seem…unaffected by their cultural upbringing in terms of…(stammers) It’s something, like, you just take for granted.
Maddox: Like, for example, in America. This is something that’s gonna sound weird to any Chinese listeners, but in America…
Dick: You should say it with a Chinese voice, then.
Maddox: I will not. (they giggle) So what’s kind of weird that we kind of just take for granted…(Sean and Asterios laugh)
Sean: That was hirarious!!
Maddox: Oh, geez. Um, what we kind of take for granted here in America is that we don’t talk about income. You can’t ask anyone how much they make. It’s considered rude. But there’s no reason. There’s no law. There’s no rationale for that. It’s just an American thing that’s part of our culture.
Dick: (interjects) ‘Cause it’s very personal.
Maddox: And we just take it for granted. No!! It’s not more personal than, say, whether or not you got laid, and you talk about that ALL the fucking time! It’s not more personal than what you ate for lunch. Everything we do is personal to some extent. It’s just…this is one taboo that we have in our culture that we take for granted. So similarly…
Dick: (interjects) Well, getting laid is also very personal.
Maddox: But people talk about that ALL the time. People don’t talk about how much money they make.
Dick: How much money they make is MUCH more personal. That is how much you’re worth.
Maddox: That’s your opinion. That’s your opinion!
Dick: That’s everybody in America’s opinion.
Maddox: Absolutely not.
Dick: According to what you’re saying, ‘cause we don’t talk about it.
Maddox: But that’s…the point is, Dick, that it’s culturally arbitrary. There’s no reason why…in China, that’s not a taboo. It’s something that everyone just talks about. They don’t consider it personal. It’s just a fact of life. It’s like, “Yeah, how much money do you make? Where do you live?” Anything could be a taboo, but in Italy, to answer your question, Asterios. I don’t get that perception from people.
Maddox: But Dick, back to your problem. Do you think this is a problem with millennials. ‘Cause I keep seeing this problem pop up in articles about millennials and how they’re living at home, and not moving out. Do you think that’s a unique problem…
Dick: (interjects) It’s a huge…it’s a huge problem for them. It’s a bigger problem for them than it is…for me. Um…
Maddox: Why do you think that?
Dick: Well a lot of reasons. I think that they’re…despite what the job numbers say, that they’re now making more money after the recession, that they’re recovering? I don’t think they really are. I think millennials are getting hit with a bunch of shitty jobs, like…sub-thirty hour jobs that don’t make a lot.
Dick: I think they’re drowning in student loans. Uh…I think that baby boomers are not retiring, forcing them to work these shit jobs with no stability. Uh, it’s a big problem because they…it’s not as easy for them to not live at home. And it makes…the worst part is, is it makes sense. It makes sense for them financially, which fucking sucks. That’s not a position I want to see millennials in.
Dick: But they’re kind of stuck with it.
Asterios: Yeah. I mean, you watch TV, you read books. Like, you read comics. Whatever. Literally every aspect of American culture tells us, like, you grow up, you go to college, and then you get your first place! You know?
Asterios: Like, how many TV shows are there? Like Felicity, whatever. There’s a million TV shows about, like, a bunch of young people in their early 20s living in an apartment together. Friends, one of the most popular shows of all time, is about a bunch of people in their early 20s living in New York, trying to make it on their own. And then when the reality hits that there’s no money out there. That, like, you have to take this shit job because they’ll just find another, even more desperate millennial if you don’t. Like, they don’t have to give you benefits anymore, they’ve really got you over a fucking barrel. And…you know, I…
Dick: (interjects) Or CAN’T give you benefits!
Asterios: Well, yeah. Exactly. Like, I graduated in 2004 with about $35,000 worth of student debt, and I went to, like, a very expensive college. I’ve met people…
Sean: (interjects) That’s low.
Asterios: That’s what I’m saying!
Sean: That’s really low.
Asterios: 10 years later, I’m meeting people with $200,000 worth of student debt.
Maddox: Oh, that’s insane.
Asterios: Like, and it’s not like they went to medical school! They…they’re fucking film majors! With, like, you know 20 cars’ worth of student debt! It’s terrible.
Sean: Well that’s their fucking problem, too.
Asterios: Look, I’m not…what, an 18-year-old is not gonna do something stupid? Like, of course they are. They’re 18 years old. College shouldn’t be this expensive to begin with.
Dick: They’re also getting “follow your dreams” pumped up their ass day and night.
Asterios: Exac…by the culture, and the media, and everything else. Exactly.
Asterios: It’s terrible!
Sean: Somebody told me this one time, and I think it’s so accurate. He said, “There’s nothing wrong with learning a trade.”
Sean: Like air conditioning or something. You’re always going to work. It aint’ glamorous, but you can make money and work steadily. As opposed to going to college, drowning in student debt, and coming out with kind of a useless degree in a lot of cases.
Maddox: My dad instilled those values in me, Sean. A long time ago when I was growing up. My dad told me that when I’m old enough to get a job, that I should get a job and do whatever it takes. And if my boss asks me what I can do, he says, “Whatever it takes to get the job done.” And that’s the value that I’ve had all my entire life. And at my old job at the telemarketing company, the executives would consistently go to me…they would skip everyone in every department and they would go to ME to ask me to get something done, because they know that regardless of what the task is, even if it’s outside of my domain and outside of my department, I’ll get the job done, because I’m not a pass the buck kind of guy. You get the work done!
Sean: Yeah. That’s such an important thing to instill in a kid, I think.
Maddox: Absolutely. You’re at the work, like, I wish more people had this value. This virtue. Of just getting shit done. Adam Corolla espouses this on his podcast all the time, too.
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: He says you should learn a trade. Learn how to do something. It’s not attractive to be ignorant. It’s not attractive to be helpless. You need to learn how to do something. Get in there. And even if it’s something you don’t think you’ll ever use? Guess what? If you learn it, you’ll enrich yourself, and somewhere down the line in your life, it may come in handy in a place and a time where you least expect it.
Sean: If he lost everything and lost any entertainment endeavor that he’s in, he could go back to carpentry.
Dick: Adam Corolla?
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: He’s a very skilled carpenter.
Sean: Yeah, no. He knows totally everything.
Dick: Yeah, and he’s always trying to work it into his movies and shit, too. (Asterios laughs) Like he’ll have an ad-libbed scene where he lists a bunch of, like, bolts and nuts. It’s just, like, “Alright, Adam. We get it.” (they laugh) Fuck you. You know? It’s like somebody always trying to cram their telemarketing job experience into a podcast. (Sean cackles, they all laugh) Alright, that’s pretty much my problem. I mean, I’ve got marriage…declining marriage rates. In 1986, half of parents reported that they spoke to their children once per week. Today, 67…blablabla. Today, they say they contact their adult child almost every day.
Asterios: Jesus Christ.
Dick: I don’t know what the problem is! I know living at home with your parents is wrong and weird. (Asterios and Maddox laugh) But I don’t know what caused it. I don’t know what caused it.
Maddox: Yeah, I dunno, man. I think if people are down on their luck, sometimes. It’s a good alternative to being homeless. I’ll give you that.
Asterios: It’s the best alternative to being homeless. I mean, look. It makes sense to stay at home, because people aren’t getting paid as much.
Asterios: It makes sense to stay at home, save up a big chunk of money, and then leave when you’re in your mid-twenties. Like, there are listeners right now who are living at their parents’ house and they’re in the early twenties. And if you…look. If you gave ‘em a million dollars, they would probably move out. It sucks that we kinda got fucked. I mean, people always say we’re the first generation that’s gonna be worse off than our parents. I mean, don’t you guys, like, feel that in your fucking souls?!
Maddox: No, not at all. No.
Dick: I mean, not me. But yeah, everybody else is fucked.
Maddox: I don’t. I feel like regardless, I don’t have the wealth and equity that my parents built for themselves in their generation. However, I feel like I do have more opportunities. Because…by virtue of the fact that we have entire INDUSTRIES that didn’t exist when they were alive. I do feel like I am more fortunate to be alive now than the baby boomer generation. I wouldn’t trade what I have now for what they had back then. I like my life now, and I like my technology now. I like being able to get porn on demand. I like being able to…
Dick: (interjects) You like that you can wear a shirt that says “Buttfuck” on it outside. (Maddox laughs) And everyone has to take it. You couldn’t do that in the fifties.
Maddox: (interjects) Dick’s talking…yeah. (grins)
Dick: Which you’re doing currently.
Maddox: Asterios and I have a mutual friend, Dan. Can we mention his name?
Asterios: Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Asterios: I do some of the voices for some of those cartoons. Our buddy for a long time, Dan, has been making these cartoons called Action Figure Therapy where, like, GI Joes go to therapy.
Asterios: And it is the most popular thing with the military in the world.
Maddox: They love it!
Asterios: Like, he ships his T-shirts and cartoons to bases all around the world because, like, he really knows a lot about the military and these cartoons are really accurate to how funny some of these guys are.
Maddox: Hey, but real quick, back to millennials.
Asterios: Oh, sure.
Maddox: You know, they’re getting a bum deal in the job sector. They need to save money.
Asterios: They sure do.
Dick: Well I was gonna go, “Speaking of ads.”
Maddox: Oh. (laughs)
Dick: Today’s show is brought to you by Casper. Get $50 towards any mattress purchase by visiting http://www.casper.com/biggest and using promo code BIGGEST. Casper mattresses. Wow. What a great night’s sleep. Right? (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: You know, I’ll tell you…
Maddox: Nailed it!! (laughing)
Asterios: I’ll tell you guys honestly. Look, I may have brought a girl or two back to my new, super tiny closet-sized apartment. And one of them was, like, “Why is this mattress so comfortable? Is this a Casper mattress?”
Dick: Did she really?!
Maddox: For real?
Asterios: I’m absolutely not kidding.
Dick: Did she really?!
Asterios: I’m absolutely not kidding. She said this, and then I was like, “I have never looked.” And so I took the top sheet off. And it was absolutely a twin-size Casper mattress!
Maddox: Heyyyyy! Wow, that’s cool!
Dick: Oh, that’s interesting.
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Dick: A Twin XL will cost you $600, by the way, $500 for a twin. $750 for a full-size, $950 for a king size. It’s an obsessively engineered mattress at a shockingly fair price. Just the right sink, just the right bounce. I’ve got all the wrong sink on my bed.
Dick: I really hate it.
Maddox: You need a Casper, buddy. You get $50 off with our coupon code!
Dick: Yeah, I know, but I got so much money sunk into that mattress.
Dick: I don’t wanna just throw it out the window.
Asterios: Do you have like, one of those crazy organic cotton mattresses?
Dick: I don’t know. I don’t know, man. You go to the mattress store, and I get that choice, like, panic. (Asterios laughs) Where you got too many choices.
Dick: And no amount of laying for 10 minutes is gonna mean shit two weeks later!
Maddox: You know what, Dick? On that point, Casper is actually going on tour around the country. They have this Casper truck. It’s basically like a truck with a bunch of beds in it and you can take a nap and check out the mattress. It’s really cool.
Dick: Cool. I wonder if you could do anything else. (saucy)
Maddox: I don’t…I think they discourage people from full-on intercourse during the nap.
Asterios: I’ll tell you right now, if there was a mattress store that let you have full-on intercourse on their mattresses to test them out, they would do really well.
Maddox: Uh, disagree. I would not test those mattresses, ever.
Dick: I’d just go to, like, you know. Window shop.
Maddox: Yeah. Wait, what?
Dick: Window shop.
Maddox: So you’re watching people have sex on the mattresses?
Maddox: Okay, yeah.
Dick: Yeah, I wanna see it.
Maddox: I’m on board. Alright.
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Maddox: I’m with you, Dick.
Dick: Risk-free trial and return policy. Try sleeping on a Casper for 100 days with free delivery and painless returns.
Maddox: Casper, thank you for supporting us! Thank you for supporting the show! Asterios, what’s your problem?
Asterios: Alright, my problem this week is Slouching!
Dick: Yeah, that’s a big problem. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Yeah. Slouching. And…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, I’m sorry, were you gonna say it’s not a big problem? I interrupted. Go ahead.
Maddox: No, I was gonna say, “Is this a millennial problem?”
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Even if it was. Yeah, there’s plenty of millennials who slouch. But everybody slouches. Speaking of millennials, I brought in my friend. She’s a model. Her name is Chloe. And she’s gonna demonstrate both good and bad posture for us, right now.
Maddox: Okay. We…
Asterios: Now, again…
Asterios: She’s a professional model. She knows a thing or two…
Sean: (interjects) Riveting.
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Asterios: …about posture. (they all laugh)
Dick: Is she gonna describe it, or?
Asterios: Oh, we’re gonna ask her some questions and she’s gonna sample some postures. Why don’t you hop up on the mic?
Dick: Are we gonna put pictures?
Asterios: Get real close to Maddox. Give him a thrill.
Dick: On the website?
Asterios: Give Maddox a thrill, here.
Chloe: Hey, what’s up, you guys?
Asterios: Alright, now, how long have you been a model for?
Chloe: Uh, I’ve been a model for 17 years.
Asterios: Oh, my God! So what, since you were a baby?
Chloe: Yeah, since I was like 14.
Asterios: Holy moly. Okay, well fantastic. Now, from a modeling perspective, what’s more attractive, a girl arching her back, like this? Or a girl who’s all hunched over, like this.
Chloe: You’re actually supposed to…when you model, you’re supposed to arch your back?
Chloe: And it can actually be really painful, because for long periods of time, you have to arch your back. Because it looks…it looks really nice. It looks like you have a complete straight line through your head, all the way down to your ankles.
Asterios: Mhmm. So it looks really nice not to slouch.
Asterios: Would you say it’s more attractive not to slouch?
Chloe: Uh, yeah.
Asterios: Yeah. Of course you would! One of the biggest dangers of bad posture is that it makes boobs look smaller and worse! (Chloe and Maddox laughs)
Dick: Hmm. That’s true.
Chloe: And when you’re a model, you have small boobs already, so you need to point, like, push them out.
Asterios: Yeah. How much of your job is trying to make your boobs look gigantic?! (Chloe giggles) 90 percent of it!
Chloe: 90 percent of the time, yeah.
Asterios: Exactly!!! Science tells us that when ladies slouch, their boobs look way smaller and their guts stick out! And who’s gonna wanna get with a slouchy broad?
Maddox: Everyone, yeah.
Maddox: I mean, you’ll take what you can get some nights.
Dick: Yeah, everyone. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Alright, but let’s say you walk into a bar and there’s a lady who’s arching her back all nice, and there’s a lady who’s all slouchy, who are you more attracted to?
Dick: Whoever wants me.
Maddox: Yeah. Pretty…I’m with Dick on this, Asterios!
Dick: Yeah, whatever.
Maddox: You don’t know shit about ladies!
Dick: You don’t know shit about…maybe you’re at your dance club trying to, like, pick which woman you’d have sex with. Lemme help you out there. It’s all of them.
Maddox: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: (interjects) No, no. I’m with you, Asterios. You’re right.
Asterios: I’m surprised you guys are so pro-slouching!
Maddox: No, I’m just busting your balls. I had a teacher in high school…
Maddox: Who showed us a movie. And thank you, Chloe, for your input.
Asterios: Chloe, thanks so much.
Maddox: Yeah. Um, I had a teacher in high school who talked about…he showed us a movie called, I think it was Bye Bye Birdy.
Maddox: Like, an old musical.
Asterios: Great movie.
Maddox: Well. (skeptical) So, anyway. (giggles) He showed us this movie and he was trying to point out how girls flirt with guys, I think, in this movie. And there was a scene in there where the girl kind of, like, arched her back and put her chest out.
Dick: You don’t have to do it. You can just describe it. I don’t wanna see this shit. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: This is for the benefit of the studio audience, here.
Asterios: Did it look like thiiiiiiiiiis? (they laugh)
Dick: No, no, no.
Dick: Pleeeeeeeeeeeease, god, no.
Maddox: Yeah! So for the listeners, I’m arching my back right now and putting my chest out.
Maddox: My beautiful man boobs.
Sean: With a T-shirt that says “Buttfuck” on it. (Maddox cracks up)
Dick: Yeah. It’s disgusting.
Asterios: It means she’s open for business!
Dick: We got two large-titted men in here doing weird Ann Margaret poses.
Maddox: Yeeeeeeeeeah. Yeah, baby. So anyway, he told us in the class that that was kind of how women flirted, and since he told me that, way back in the day, I kinda paid attention to that.
Maddox: Especially if I was talking to a girl who I thought might be interested in me. So I would notice sometimes, she might kinda like, you know. Put ‘em front and center.
Asterios: It’s…yeah. Exactly. And isn’t that hot? As shit?
Asterios: When Ann Margaret’s putting ‘em front and center?
Maddox: It’s beautiful!
Asterios: Of course it is!!
Maddox: It’s a lovely thing.
Asterios: Now I want you guys to think about dudes. Let’s look at the other side of it. I’m someone who slouched forever. You guys have probably seen my slouching, right?
Maddox: Yeah, I’ve seen you slouch.
Asterios: Yeah. How does it look to you guys?
Dick: Like a tombstone.
Maddox: Like a tombstone.
Asterios: Yeah. It’s fucking terrible, right?
Asterios: It’s like a super unattractive thing for dudes…
Dick: (interjects) With the beard.
Dick: Like Jabba the Hut.
Maddox: Like a potato sack.
Asterios: Ah, keep going.
Dick: Like a Mister Potato Head that melted in the sun.
Maddox: Yeah. Like a mound of clay that you didn’t mean to pull out of your backyard.
Asterios: Yeah, but you did accidentally…(they all laugh) and it looks horrifying! Uh-huh.
Dick: Yeah. It looks like what I imagine it would be a cartoon character for depression. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: Yeah. Yeah, exactly. Like, if you were giving an autistic person a depression test.
Asterios: You point at the one that looks like me when I’m slouching.
Dick: Yes. (grins) Yeah.
Maddox: Like Jabba The Hut, like, in an elevator. (laughing)
Asterios: Yeah, exactly.
Asterios: Maybe Jabba The Hut just lost his job, you know, as a Tatooine gangster.
Asterios: And so he’s all depressed about it.
Asterios: Interestingly, slouching…one of the many dangers of slouching is that you can get fired.
Asterios: According to Janice Novak, the author of “Posture: Get it Straight”, (Dick laughs) “Employees who enter a room slouching or hunched over are seen as less vital.”
Asterios: So when it comes time to swing the ax, who are you gonna keep? The office hunchback, or some dude who’s sticking his chest out like THIS.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah, I want the dude with the tits!
Asterios: Like a goddamn problem solver!
Asterios: Now who’s actually probably better at his job? The hunchback.
Asterios: He’s got nothing else.
Asterios: His mind is a living computer. He lives or dies based on the job. But you’re gonna fire him, right?!
Maddox: Of course.
Asterios: You don’t want Sloucho around!
Dick: Fuck him.
Maddox: No! Get rid of Sloucho Marx over there!
Asterios: Yeah, exactly! (Maddox laughs) Uh, another health danger of slouching. Poop problems.
Asterios: “When you sit in a crunched position, your viscera are folded up.” , says Stephen Weineger, author of Stand Taller, Live Longer, and founder of bodyzone.com. It can slow down everything. So when you’re slouching, you can become super-duper constipated. A lot of times when you’re on the toilet, you’re looking at your phone, you’re all slouched over. You’re on the toilet for a lot longer, why? You’re slouching. You’re stopping yourself up. Stand up straight.
Dick: Yeah, I stand up when I shit. (Maddox laughs)
Asterios: As you should!!
Dick: I never know what to make of those, “You’re pooping the wrong way.” Things.
Asterios: Talk to me.
Dick: Well, because there’s, like, um…those stepping stools?
Maddox: The Squatty Potty.
Dick: Yeah, the Squatty Potty.
Dick: Uh…I tried one. Somebody gave one to my dad over Christmas. I think it was a funny…I don’t know if it was a funny Christmas present or not. I got one of these aunts that gives…like, she gave me a vibrating pillow one year, and I was like…
Dick: “Well, I don’t know. Is this a funny?” I THINK it’s funny!
Maddox: You’re supposed to put that on your pussy, I think.
Dick: Right. Um…(Asterios chuckles) She got him one of these Squatty Potties. And I used it, but I don’t know…I don’t know if it was that much better of a pooping experience. Then I got violently ill the next night and I had to throw it out of the way while I was throwing up in their bathroom.
Asterios: Oh, Jesus.
Dick: But that’s a different story.
Maddox: So, yeah. The Squatty…so, I read that a while ago before this whole product became a phenomenon, and it’s such brilliant marketing, ‘cause they market it as kind of a gag gift that is also practical, and people buy it. They…
Maddox: They’ve made so much money selling this thing. I happen to have a bathtub edge that’s close enough to my toilet that I can put my feet up if I need to occasionally.
Dick: Yes, perfect.
Maddox: So…(cracks up) (they all laugh)
Asterios: Sounds like a real life hack.
Maddox: I have had times when I felt a bit constipated, ‘cause I may have eaten some undercooked pasta, I don’t know.
Dick: Or too many crickets. (they laugh)
Maddox: Crickets come out a little bit crunchy, I gotta say. So anyway, I sat on………allegedly. (referring to the crickets) (they all laugh) So occasionally if I’m having trouble busting the loaf out of my butthole, I’ll put my feet up on the…the edge of my bathtub, and I do feel like it comes out a little easier.
Asterios: I agree.
Dick: I have a series of hanging silks in my bathroom if I need to get one out.
Maddox: (laughing) So you’re like a gymnastic twirler?! (laughing)
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Asterios: Sounds hot.
Dick: Bathtub isn’t enough.
Maddox: Okay. (grins)
Asterios: Yeah! And I have…I have just a bunch of books or sometimes a small foot stool, I’ll put my feet up on them. I don’t know. It does something where it makes you poop better. Alright, so another problem with slouching. Headaches, backaches, arthritis, reduced lung function, shortened lifespan. Here’s another problem with slouching. People rubbing your hump for good luck. (Sean cracks up)
Maddox: (laughing) Is that a thing that happens?!
Asterios: Yes, it absolutely is. In Italy, speaking of Italy, Il Gobbo, the Hunchback, is a very popular charm. It’s a little hunchback you carry around on your keychain and you rub his hump for good luck.
Asterios: Like, say, if you’re praying to not live with your parents anymore.
Asterios: Like, you know, if you’re just really hoping that they’ll die so you can have the house to yourself.
Asterios: You rub that hump!
Asterios: For good luck.
Asterios: Maybe you’ll come home, they’ll be dead. Lewis Van Zelst, who lived from 1895 to 1915, he was a bat boy, mascot, and good luck charm for the Philadelphia Athletics. So for four years, he was like their mascot, essentially. He was a hunchback. And the Oakland A’s would rub his hump for good luck.
Maddox: Huh! So you’re saying that slouching’s a solution! Guys, vote down slouching! (cracks up)
Asterios: What I’m saying is, can you imagine living a life where people are constantly trying to grab the huge growth on your back so they can be luckier? You know who’s not lucky!? The hunchback!
Asterios: Every time you’re rubbing that hump, you’re, like, reminding him of the TERRIBLE situation he’s living in. That’s slouching, folks. That’s terrible.
Maddox: Yeah, but if I had a terrible disfigurement on my body, I would want people to view it positively and come up to me and rub me, all the time! I’d look forward to it!
Dick: So you want people to come up and rub your face?
Maddox: Okay. (annoyed) (Asterios and Sean laugh) Real funny!
Dick: (interjects) How are you gonna fix your slouching problem?
Asterios: Well, I’ve got two solutions…
Dick: (interjects) I dated a girl that had a hunchback.
Maddox: A real…an actual hunchback, or she just slouched?
Dick: She slouched, but it was, like…it had fucked up her spine.
Asterios: That’s terrible.
Dick: It was long enough. That it fucked up her spine.
Asterios: Well, did she have scoliosis, perhaps?
Dick: I don’t know. (Asterios laughs) I tuned it out. I just remember that part.
Dick: And she wanted to get this, like, device that was kinda like…I guess it was like a back brace.
Dick: And it had these inflatable things that would straighten out your spine.
Dick: I don’t know. I looked it up and was like, “Oh, that thing looks scary. I dunno if this is gonna last.” (chuckles)
Maddox: Well, I’ll tell you…
(they crack up laughing)
Asterios: And you’re married today.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Asterios, on the point of slouching and body language, again. I’ve recommended this book in this past and I’ll recommend it again. The Definitive Book of Body Language. Um, I read this book and I could not put the thing down. I picked it up, flipping through it, and I read it from start to finish. I changed my posture, I changed things about myself that I never do anymore based on this body language book.
Dick: Like what?
Maddox: Well, for example, I never cross my arms. Crossing your arms closes you off to the outside world.
Dick: Like this?
Maddox: Yeah. And people always make an excuse for why they’re crossing their arms. They say “I’m comfortable this way”, or “I’m cold”, or whatever. If you’re actually cold, that may be the case, but more often than not, if you say you’re comfortable crossing your arms, it’s a self-defense mechanism, and it closes you off to the outside world. I can tell how good or bad meetings are going based on whether or not they cross their arms, and I know to change my tune and change the topic if they happen to. But anyway, back to the posture thing. I also learned that when you’re walking down the street, especially at night, based on your posture, you are WAY more likely to get mugged if you don’t have a totally straight, puffed-up chest outwards, than if you are hunched over.
Maddox: You’re way more likely to get asked…next time you’re walking down the street and you see a homeless person gonna ask you for change, puff up your chest and walk upright and they’ll be WAY less likely to ask you.
Sean: That is totally true.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. If you have a confident posture and confident body language, you’re less likely to get fucked with when you’re walking to where you’re going.
Dick: Can I ask you something? How often do you think about being mugged and like, methods of avoiding being mugged? And dealing with being mugged? We’ve got fake wallets. We’ve got body…like, is it a big problem?!
Maddox: Dick, in my neighborhood, in the last six months alone, I have found two heroin needles, a dimebag of coke, and birth control Plan B in the gutter, as well as condoms on the street…(Dick laughs)
Sean: And that’s just what fell out of my car!
Dick: Party neighborhood! (they all crack up)
Maddox: I saw condoms on the street. Human shit on the street. I watched a…somebody climb into a neighbor’s house to rob it as I was on the phone with police. Yeah. I think about it pretty frequently.
Dick: What a rat.
Asterios: Well, City of Dreams. Los Angeles. (Maddox cracks up) Everybody move to Hollywood!
Asterios: Well…there’s a couple of solutions. For one, like…you know those standing desk assholes?
Asterios: I’m one of them.
Maddox: Oh, man. The w…you’re a standing desk asshole?!
Asterios: I’m a standing desk asshole, because…I had terrible back pain my whole life. I remember literally telling my pediatrician, Dr. Pearson…when I was, like, 14…”My back always hurts. What the fuck do I do?” Until I became a standing desk asshole, and my back pain has absolutely gone away.
Asterios: I don’t know wha…I’m not, like, a scientist or an ergonomist, like, I don’t know exactly what it is, but I was like, “I’ll fucking try anything. I’m so tired of going to bed with back pain and waking up with back pain, and becoming a standing desk asshole actually worked.
Maddox: Hey, can I say something? About lower back pain, specifically?
Maddox: Howard Stern, a long time ago, pitched this book on his show. It was called, I think “The Mind Over Back Pain” I think it’s…
Sean: I think it was called The Myth of Back Pain, or something like that. Yeah.
Maddox: Something like that. And I dated these girls in the past, who…multiple girls I dated who had excruciating back pain.
Asterios: Big boobs!
Maddox: So bad. Yeah. (giggles)
Dick: You wish.
Maddox: So bad…that they would cry consistently. They wouldn’t be able to sleep. They wouldn’t be able to go any place and sit down for long periods. I couldn’t even go to a movie with some of these girls because their backs hurt so much. So I got them this book that Howard Stern recommended, and I can’t recommend it highly enough. Both of them, within reading this book, within a week, their back pain disappeared. And it’s not to say that all back pain doesn’t exist. It definitely does. And posture may have something to do with it. However, like, 80% of it is psychosomatic.
Maddox: 80% of it is your mind manifesting stress in physical pain in your lower back. That happens all the time and I can’t recommend this book highly enough. I’ll link to it on the website.
Asterios: Yeah. I mean, I absolutely believe that. It’s not to say that people with back pain are crazy, but I feel like we keep our stress in different places, and I feel like our muscles can get super locked-up when we’re super stressed out.
Asterios: I mean, dating you would obviously stress out any girl.
Maddox: Fuck you, Asterios.
Asterios: You know? Um…so…
Dick: (interjects) It’s a good excuse for not going to the movies with you, too.
Dick: “My back hurts so much”.
Maddox: Pile it on! Anything you wanna add to this, Sean!? Chinese accent, or anything!? (Dick laughs) (Asterios cackles)
Sean: No, they did pretty well.
Asterios: So solly. Anyway…
Sean: We’ll stop there.
Dick: I keep all my stress in my dick.
Asterios: And you need girls to work it out, don’t you?
Dick: Yeah. Yeah.
Asterios: Exactly. And doesn’t it make you feel better?
Dick: Yeah, whatever.
Asterios: It doesn’t?! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: Dick asks girls to rub it for good luck. (laughs)
Asterios: Yeah, see? There you go. That’s a good gimmick.
Asterios: So, you know, I’d say become a standing desk asshole. And the other thing is, a friend of mine gave me this advice for my posture and it is the only thing that has stuck in my head about how to sit up straight. Or how to stand up straight or walk straight. She told me that in an acting class once, she was told by her teacher to imagine that someone was putting hooks through your nipples and put chains on the end of those hooks, and was pulling you around by the nipples by these chains. So I’ll show you guys what it looks like.
Maddox: Okay, Asterios is standing up.
Dick: I think I kinda know what it looks like.
Asterios: (further away) Alright, imagine someone’s put…
Dick: (interjects) That’s not gonna work if you’re talking off the mic.
Maddox: It will.
Asterios: I’m super loud! They’ll be able to hear me.
Asterios: Now, imagine I’m being pulled around by these nipple chains. Look at how good this looks.
Maddox: Asterios is walking around like Frankenstein. (laughing)
Dick: He’s just walking around like a normal person. Do you need it to be nipple-related?
Asterios: It’s the only thing that I’ve been able to remember, because every time I go walking, I imagine someone jamming hooks through my nipples. (Dick laughs) ‘Cause it’s such a visceral, disgusting image.
Asterios: And as a result, it’s worked. People have all these tricks like, you know, I’ve heard chiropractors say “Imagine there’s a strong coming out of the top of your head and you’re straightening it.” Well, you’ll forget that in five seconds. “Imagine you have a book on your head.” Yeah, you’ll forget that. Nipple hooks? You’ll remember nipple hooks.
Dick: It’s true.
Asterios: You guys’ll NEVER forget nipple hooks.
Dick: That’s very true.
Maddox: No, that’s a good, visceral image to have.
Sean: It opens up a whooooooole new world of porn, too. (Maddox giggles)
Asterios: It sure does!
Sean: We know what THAT guy was into!
Asterios: Yeah. Lemme introduce you guys to my friend.
Maddox: Sativa Sean.
Asterios: The Wishmaster.
Dick: How much was that acting class? Someone paid to hear a lecture about nipple hooks?
Asterios: Uh, it was actually a whole college degree. (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Um, the tip that my trainer gave me a long time ago was to stand up against the wall, and he said, “Your shoulder blades and the back of your head should be able to touch the wall at the same time.” And that was NEVER the case with me, so I practiced. You just practice standing up against a wall, guys. It’s an easy way to fix your posture. Um, anyway. Is that it, Asterios?
Asterios: That’s it. Slouching. Big problem.
Maddox: Alright. Good problem, guys. Thank you, Asterios. Thank you, Dick. Great problems. But I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week. It’s Celebrity Prom Requests!
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Dick: Is this millennial prom requests, or…? (Asterios and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: No, dickhead. It’s Celebrity Prom Requests. This isn’t a millennial problem. Or maybe it is, Dick! I don’t know. ‘Cause it’s something that I’d never heard of until recently.
Dick: Really?! (incredulous)
Asterios: Got a lot of Gen-Xers asking Ronda Rousey to the prom? (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, actually.
Dick: Maybe they could paint her to look like a woman.
Sean, Asterios, Maddox: Ohhhhhhhhhh. Awwwwwwwwww, Dick.
Asterios: Ronda Rousey’s hot.
Maddox: Yeah. She’s hot as shit!
Dick: Oh, fuck you! Are you two serious?!
Asterios: No, fuck you! You don’t think…
Maddox: (interjects) She’s so hot, I got a boner right now thinking about her!!
Dick: Are you brainwashed?! You think Ronda Rousey’s hot?!
Maddox: She’s hot as shit! (Dick cackles, incredulous)
Asterios: Yeah. I think she’s got a hot face. I think she’s got a hot body. You’re not attracted to, like, a powerful, cool, celebrity woman?
Dick: Fuck, no. Welcome to 1984, where two guys think Ronda Rousey’s hot.
Maddox: She’s hot! What’s wrong with Ronda Rousey?
Asterios: What’s wrong with Ronda Rousey?
Dick: You guys got hooks in more than your nipples if you think that chick’s hot.
Asterios: I’m gonna pull up some hot pictures of Ronda Rousey.
Maddox: Meanwhile, Dick is dating a hunchback.
Dick: Please do.
Maddox: So I’m skeptical about your scale here, buddy. (Dick laughs) Okay, anyway. Celebrity Prom Requests are a big problem, because, guys, how much do we have to shame celebrities into doing this stupid horseshit for publicity? It seems like every few months. Oh, Asterios has a picture of Ronda Rousey here. Let’s see this.
Asterios: Look how hot she is!!
Maddox: Oh, my gosh. What a babe! That’s fake, Asterios.
Asterios: Look at this hot chick!!
Dick: That’s fake.
Maddox: That’s fake, Asterios. (giggles)
Dick: That’s not her.
Asterios: Wait, so there’s not a picture of Ronda Rousey’s pussy sticking out?! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: No, you idiot.
Asterios: And her tits flo…wait, oh, is this fake?
Asterios: Oh, it’s a Photoshopped thing. Oh, I’m sorry guys.
Dick: Perhaps that’s what you’re basing your view of Ronda Rousey on.
Maddox: I am!
Asterios: Wait, well what about…
Dick: (interjects) A bunch of fake, Photoshopped pictures.
Asterios: What about this picture of Ronda Rousey?!
Dick: Yeah. (giggles)
Maddox: Okay. (laughing)
Asterios: Is this any better?
Maddox: It’s a full-on spread eagle picture of Ronda Rousey being penetrated. Asterios, these might be fake Photoshops.
Asterios: I don’t know. I’ll have to do some more investigation when you guys are gone.
Asterios: I’m gonna go to the bathroom and investigate.
Maddox: Anyway. Ugh, geez. (Sean laughs) Not in my bathroom! Get out. (Asterios laughs) Guys, celebrity prom requests. It seems like every few months, there’s a new one. And they’re all the same. They’re all the same horseshit. I don’t remember the first one that started it. It was kinda big around 2005, 2006.
Dick: I don’t ever remember them not existing.
Maddox: Ugh, they’re so bad. Listen to this one. This is a guy asking Kate Upton out to prom. And just listen to this.
Asterios: Oh, no.
(Clip starts: Male voice: “Hey Kate, Jake Davidson here in sunny Los Angeles, inviting you to my senior prom on May 23rd, 2013. (Dick giggles) (Asterios groans)
You are the ying to my yang. (Dick groans) “You like fine dining, I like fine dining. You’re on the cover of Sports Illustrated. I read Sports Illustrated.” (file continues in the background while they talk over it))
Dick: Is he talking into a fan? Like uh-uh-uh-uh-uh, I read Sports Illustrated.
Asterios: He’s being given a wedgie right now.
Maddox: (laughing) That’s what’s up. Um, so this is a kid who is asking out a Sports Illustrated swimsuit model.
Maddox: The cover model to his prom.
Dick: So what? She might go. Playmates have gone to proms before.
Maddox: Great. Why not?
Asterios: It’s annoying. It’s super annoying.
Maddox: It’s annoying.
Asterios: You wouldn’t beat the shit out of that kid!? Are you kidding me?
Maddox: Well, here’s the…
Dick: (interjects) Hey, why not? If it works.
Maddox: Here’s the conclusion to that asking out of Kate Upton.
(Clip starts, male reporter: “Has she finally accepted?”
Male kid: “Uh, I don’t know yet. I think it’s still a maybe. There were some reports that said no, some reports that said she’s still thinking about it. But as far as I’m concerned, it’s still a maybe. Obviously, being a realist, she’s probably very busy. She’s a very in-demand professional.”
Maddox: Yeah. She’s very busy, shithead. (Asterios cackles) She’s too busy to go to your fuck-ass high school prom. Why don’t you ask some of the girls out in your fucking prom, ‘cause that’s your level right now?
Asterios: I want to kill that guy.
Dick: I don’t know if that’s his level, either.
Asterios: I want to kill him.
Dick: Might be a little below.
Maddox: Yeah, a little below. This is from Showbiz Tonight. So they interviewed this kid. And he’s just a spaz. And the news, especially morning shows. Morning talk shows.
Maddox: Eat this shit UP.
Asterios: I know!
Maddox: They love it so much.
Asterios: I know.
Maddox: Because it’s just an excuse to shame celebrities into going out to these, like, hokey little high school things. And what happens is, if the celebrities turn down the high school student, then they seem like a villain! Suddenly, they’re a bad guy, for doing nothing more than existing and being successful at their career! Being the height of their field. Suddenly, but turning down some shithead high school student ‘cause you’re too fucking busy with your life and career to take time out to fly to buttfucking Egypt to go to some shitdick high school prom with some loser! Now you’re a villain! Because you turned them down.
Sean: Can’t their publicist just say that they’re like, out of the country at that time?
Sean: Nobody’s gonna follow that up.
Maddox: No, Sean, because these news stories, these morning shows pick up the story and then they put it out there.
Asterios: They check in.
Maddox: Yeah, they check in. Then you have a Twitter campaign. And then you have people harassing them on Twitter.
Sean: But ON the day of the prom?!
Sean: I think they can get out of this without any negative publicity.
Dick: Sure, of course.
Asterios: Well, I dunno. It’s just annoying. It’s just, like, fucking stupid and annoying.
Dick: Are you guys annoyed on behalf of the celebrities?
Asterios: I’m just annoyed, period. That these fucking nerds are making these videos begging these cele…it’s just like…it’s such a “look at me” attention thing. I don’t know, it’s just really annoying to me.
Dick: Yeah. (grins)
Maddox: Yeah, it’s really annoying.
Asterios: Yeah. Like, you know.
Dick: So would you not go to the prom with someone if they asked you? If, like, a 16-year-old girl asked either one of you to their prom, would you turn her down?
Asterios: How hot is this girl?
Dick: Would you have your publicist turn them down?
Maddox: Oh, God, gross.
Asterios: That’s the thing. If super hot dudes…
Dick: (interjects) I think you’re jealous.
Asterios: If super hot dudes were asking Kate Upton to the prom, I don’t think this would be a story. The story is always “hunchback loser nerd begs supermodel to go to prom with him and hopefully give him a handjob.”
Asterios: Like, that’s the story.
Dick: (guffaws) I don’t know if they’re hoping for…you think they’re hoping for a handjob from Kate Upton?!
Maddox: Oh, of course.
Asterios: If you’re a realist, you’re like, “Look, maybe I can get a handjob out of this.” The worst ones are…
Dick: (interjects) No, you’re thinking “I’m gonna bang a hot chick at my school if I take Kate Upton here and get all this attention. They’re all gonna want to come over and talk to her. I’ll be king of the school forever.”
Maddox: Yeah, but it’s usually senior prom or junior prom. But senior prom, like, you’re done with school. It’s the last thing that you do, so you’re out the door. You’re not gonna bang any of those losers in high school. Who cares?! And besides, they’re all GROSS anyway, and they suck at sex!! High school sex sucks!! (Sean laughs)
Asterios: The worst…(Maddox laughs) prom requests to me are always the military ones.
Maddox: Yeah! I got one.
Asterios: ‘Cause there’s the extra layer of guilt.
Asterios: Where it’s like, “I’m fighting for our freedom, Ronda Rousey!!”
Dick: Yeah. (laughs)
Asterios: If you don’t go to the Marine Ball with me, Ronda Rousey, you might as well suck ISIS’s dick!
Maddox: Oh, Asterios. Speaking of Ronda Rousey. Here is a clip of someone asking Ronda Rousey out. Listen to this.
(Clip starts: male voice: “Hey Ronda. My name’s Chad Hasher. I’m United States Marines stationed out of Camp Lejeune, North Carolina.”
“You are my celebrity crush, which is why it would be my honor to take you to the Marine Corps Ball on December 11th. I really hope this doesn’t get in the way of your training for your next fight in January.”)
Maddox: Yeah. The fight that she lost?! (laughing)
Dick: It did get in the way.
Asterios: Yeah! Because she did go to the prom with him!
Maddox: Yeah, she went to the prom with that guy.
Asterios: And she lost the fight. Case closed!
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah! Sorry, I hope this doesn’t get in the way ofyour training. Yeah, it probably does, shithead! She doesn’t have time to go to buttfucking wherever YOU are and go to the prom with you! Hey, thank you for your service! God Bless America. You know, thank you for your sacrifice for our country. But fuck off, you’re not gonna get a date with Ronda Rousey. She’s too busy with living her career and her life, man! Can you take time off from the field to go to Ronda Rousey’s show!? NO!! Your drill instructor’s gonna kick your ass if you try that shit!
Asterios: Mhmm. Look, yeah. I’m with you on this one. I just think it’s like…
Dick: (interjects) Ehhh. Fuck celebrities. Fuck their time.
Asterios: Look. Look.
Dick: So what?!
Dick: They’re just getting more attention by going to the stupid prom, anyway.
Asterios: I’ll play the world’s smallest violin for celebrities.
Asterios: I just think this is part of annoying YouTube, “Look at me” culture.
Asterios: Where every single kid has to go viral. (laughing) Where it’s like, every kid’s dream now is to be on the news. You know what I mean?! And, look. I feel like we’re a little bit different. We’re all entertainers and comedians. Like, you know, you guys have written successful books. You guys are up at the theater every night. You know, you got your third or fourth book on the way. It’s like, I feel like it’s different from us. Like, we’re trying to make art here. It’s super annoying that there are people who want to be famous for being famous’s sake. And it’s like, you wanna bitch about millennials, that’s fucking millennials.
Dick: Sean, would you say that the YouTube generation is a big problem?
Dick: Yeah, you would? (giggles)
Dick: (interjects) How big of a problem would you say it is? (Maddox laughs)
Sean: Not big enough.
Dick: Is it big enough to bring in? (Maddox cracks up)
Asterios: Wait, do you deal with YouTube kids all day?!
Sean: Everybody thinks….everybody thinks…
Asterios: (interjects) Is that your job?
Maddox: No. It’s a very inside joke.
Asterios: I’m sorry.
Maddox: Sean…should we give ‘em…
Dick: (interjects) No, I don’t…
Maddox: A long time ago, when we…
Asterios: (interjects) Oh, THAT was…
Maddox: That was Sean’s problem that he was supposed to bring in for, what, our 50th episode?
Maddox: And then we ended up having Cool Sean bring it in, instead.
Sean: That’s right.
Dick: Yeah. Cool Sean didn’t do as good a job, though.
Maddox: No. No. Cool Sean didn…
Sean: (interjects) He was pretty funny.
Dick: He was funny.
Maddox: Anyway, um…here’s one from Mila Kunis. And listen to how much she…
Maddox: Oh, Meela. Mila Kunis. Here’s one from Mila Kunis. Listen to how much she was guilted for this date. And this was during an interview she was doing for promo for her fucking job, for her new movie that was coming out.
Maddox: Listen to this.
(Clip starts: Male voice: Hey Mila, this is Sergeant Moore, but you can call me Scott. I just wanna take a moment out of my day to invite you to the Marine Corps Ball on November 18th in Greenville, North Carolina with yours truly. So, if you take a second, think about it, and get back to me.”)
Sean: Is he sitting next to a fucking copy machine?!! (Dick laughs)
Maddox: He was walking…so, he was walking across, like, a desert. And there was that crunching noise of sand and dirt under his feet.
Dick: Oh. Of Afghani childrens’ skulls.
Sean: What he’s got a fucking cell phone in the field!? (Asterios and Dick crack up)
Maddox: This is from ABC News when they capture Mila Kunis on her promo. Listen to this.
(Clip starts: Male anchor: “Mila’s costar in their new movie, Friends with Benefits, Justin Timberlake, saw this video and decided to patriotically matchmake.”
Male voice: “Have you seen this?!”
Female voice: “A Marine corps posted a video inviting you to go to the Corps Ball. Like, he’s just like…”
Male voice: “Do it for your country.”
Female voice: “Yeah. You need to see this.”
Female voice: “Yeah!”
Male voice: “Do it for your country. Listen, I’m gonna work on this…”
Mila: “Did you know about this, Nance?!”
Male voice: “I’m gonna work on this for you, man.”)
Sean: What an asshole! (grins)
Dick: Yeah, seriously. That’s awesome.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Sean: That’s great. (Dick giggles)
Maddox: So this is like a mass shooting where everything…(Sean and Maddox giggle)
Sean: Oh, my God! (laughing)
Maddox: As soon as one happens, it opens a door for copycats.
Maddox: And every other shithead is gonna copy the same, shitty behavior and do their own celebrity prom request. The one person who did it, it opened the door, the floodgates, for everyone else to do it. It’s always a Marine Ball. It’s always prom. And listen to this one…
Dick: (interjects) Well, we gotta shut the borders to keep celebrities from getting in, then. That’s the clear solution.
Maddox: Are you suggesting Trump should build a wall around Hollywood?! (chuckles)
Dick: Yeah. I would support that.
Maddox: (interjects) Should Mexico pay for that, too? (laughing)
Asterios: Yeah, fuck it. Why not!?
Maddox: Why not?!
Asterios: They’re gonna pay for the first one!
Dick: I think he would have PLENTY of money coming in to shut LA off from the rest of the country.
Maddox: Oh, that’s actually a good point.
Dick: Mexico wouldn’t need to pay for it.
Maddox: That and fucking Burning Man. Did you see that article a long time ago that said…it came out…I think it was the Onion or something, but…
Dick: (interjects) I don’t read the Onion.
Maddox: It said that when everyone is going out to Burning Man, this is our opportunity. This guy was trying to crowdfund a wall built around Nevada or San Francisco, or something like that, to keep them in there. Like, to not let them back. Really funny stuff. Anyway.
Dick: And that’s the whole joke. That’s why you never need to read an article on the Onion. Because the joke is the headline.
Maddox: It’s not. It’s not always. (Dick giggles)
Asterios: Well, that’s how they wr…I used to intern at the Onion. Like, that’s how they write it. If the headline’s not funny…it’s like, the entire joke has to be in the headline according to like…that’s how they write that shit.
Maddox: Um, here’s one last one I’m gonna play. This one’s a girl asking Shaun White, professional snowboarder and athlete and Olympian, Shaun White, to the prom.
Dick: Oh, he would probably go.
Maddox: Yeah. (scoffs) Well, I think he did. But listen to this stupid fucking clip.
(Clip starts: Male voice: “Please pardon this interruption, but we have some shocking news. Shaun White has never been to prom!”
Maddox: So, first of all, they start out the introduction. With the introduction, they’re shaming him for have never gone to prom. And this is like a high school video with high school production values. Listen to this.
“Carly got in touch with us, and we thought we’d help get the message out that she’s got one coming up, and she wants nothing more than to take her favorite celebrity athlete in the world. So any chance you could swing by Philly and pick her up? I mean, considering she went to the insane effort to GoPro the Dawn of Shaun of the Prom idea.”)
Asterios: (groans) I want to murder all of these kids.
Asterios: I wanna line ‘em all…they annoy…why does anybody annoy you?! It’s like, they’re annoying. You’re not annoyed by these…
Dick: (interjects) These kids are that annoying to you? What do you find in common with them that you hate so much?
Asterios: I don’t know what it is…um. Attention-seeking behavior.
Asterios: Shitty voice.
Maddox: Villifying celebrities for no reason other than them being celebrities. You’re just shaming someone who is very popular into going to prom with you. Which, by the way, what the fuck is Shaun White gonna do going to prom with a 16-year-old? Oh man, he’s going on a real hot date with a child!
Dick: It just makes some fans happy.
Maddox: But he can do that..
Dick: (interjects) You guys have something in common with these celebrity prom requesters. That’s why you hate them so much. That’s why I don’t feel anything about it. There’s something going on here. What, Sean?
Sean: I was saying he could hook up dope at the same time!
Dick: Sure, yeah.
Maddox: No, it’s the most obnoxious form of attention-seeking, like Asterios was saying.
Maddox: And also, again, it’s just shaming celebrities for being celebrities. And harassing them. If you got harassed all the time for this shit, it would drive me nuts. It would drive me nuts.
Dick: It would drive you nuts if I got harassed for it, or if you got harassed for it?
Maddox: No, I mean if I did.
Dick: Don’t you get, like, requests to hang out all the time.
Maddox: Yeah, I do. And sometimes I do, but if it became, like, this big public thing…first of all, if I agree to it, it’s kind of like the problem I had with Well-Intentioned Idiots, was that all these women were putting this immense pressure on this guy to come out and dance with these other women, ‘cause he was fat shamed. For anyone who doesn’t remember, this guy…there was a picture on 4Chan of this guy, allegedly dancing at this place, and he was made fun of for being fat.
Maddox: And then all these women thought that they were doing…they were such fucking saints ‘cause they created a Twitter hashtag campaign to out this guy. The fat dude. “Hey come out to LA and we wanna dance with you, because we don’t think you’re ugly and gross. We wanna prove it by dancing with you. We’re 1700 hot women.” Or whatever.
Dick: He won the lottery!
Maddox: No! First of all, you don’t know anything about this guy. You don’t know about his sexuality. You don’t know if he’s straight or gay. You don’t know if he’s married. You don’t know if he wants this fucking attention! You’re invading his privacy! You’re doing the exact same thing with celebrities now by doing this celebrity prom request! You’re shaming them and putting pressure on them, and if they turn you down, they look like a bad guy! Why…why are we living in a world like this, where you can be a bad person for doing nothing more than just living your fucking life and wanting to be left alone?!
Dick: Well, that’s your definition of a celebrity? Someone who wants to be left alone? (giggles)
Maddox: Well…but nobody wants this!
Dick: (interjects) Next weekend, they’re all going to an awards ceremony celebrating THEMSELVES. And then you’re surprised that they get, what, invited to prom sometimes?
Asterios: (interjects) If you’re…sorry.
Dick: Go ahead.
Asterios: Um, if you’re not annoyed by these…
Dick: (interjects) Kids?
Asterios: These whiny, do-nothing kids pulling out their cell phones and using the wrong aspect ratio to, like, beg a celebrity to go to prom with them, like, if you don’t find that annoying, I can’t convince you that it’s annoying. Whenever I see these videos, it just does something to me. I just fucking wanna pummel these kids’ faces!
Dick: Yeah, why?!
Asterios: I…why does anything annoy any…
Dick: (interjects) Kids do so much more annoying things. Why this one, specifically?
Asterios: Well, we’re just…’cause this is the one we’re talking about today.
Maddox: We’re talking about one of them. Yeah.
Asterios: I mean, I’m not saying that kids don’t do more annoying things.
Asterios: But it is annoying.
Asterios: It’s annoying YouTubey millennial bullshit behavior to want something for nothing.
Maddox: It’s cringey.
Asterios: To use the power of the Internet and social media to, like…I don’t know. Make your weird fake dream come true?!
Dick: (interjects) What’s weird about wanting Kate Upton to come to prom with you!? That’s very normal.
Asterios: I don’t…alright. Let’s say she goes to…
Maddox: (interjects) Look, wanting…
Asterios: (interjects) Sorry. Of course.
Maddox: I was just gonna…wanting to have a celebrity come to prom with you…great. It’s a fantasy a lot of people have. But then creating an entire Twitter hashtag campaign, getting your local news involved, getting national news involved? Getting all these celebrities breathing down your neck and putting an immense amount of pressure. It’s just egregious. It’s obnoxious! It’s taking it to the next level, where again, just for living your life and doing what you’re doing, you have to take time out, otherwise you’re a bad guy.
Dick: Yeah. You have a problem with paparazzi, too?
Dick: Do you think they’re invasive?
Maddox: For…well, it depends.
Asterios: They killed Princess Di. Yeah I have a problem with paparazzi.
Asterios: They’re annoying as shit! Do you guys ever see paparazzi yelling, like, really loaded questions at celebrities?
Dick: It’s hilarious.
Asterios: I dunno, I think those guys…(they crack up) Why haven’t you ever become a papa…you’d be perfect at it!!!
Dick: Oh, yeah! I totally would!
Asterios: You drive real fast…
Maddox: No, he doesn’t. No he doesn’t. He drives like a fucking grandma.
Dick: I pretend to be a photographer.
Asterios: And you could sell these pictures to TMZ. All you gotta do it ask a bunch of loaded…like, you just have to annoy them into freaking out at you, and then you’ve made a couple of grand!
Dick: I could easily do that.
Asterios: I know you…you could BOTH do that!
Maddox: No. We won’t be doing that. Umm….
Dick: What else you got?
Maddox: I just don’t want there to be a celebrity hashtag campaign to shame another fucking person into doing some shit that they don’t want to do. Guys, leave people the fuck alone. Yeah, we all wanna go out with celebrities. We all want to bang Rhonda Rousey and go to celebrity proms with Mila Kunis and whoever the fuck, Kate Upton. Sure! We all want that. But keep it to your personal little blog, and your fantasy, and status update. Don’t create a national campaign to shame these people! They’re very busy. They don’t have time for your pimply fucking face in Philadelphia. NO.
Asterios: And aren’t they only going out of pity?
Asterios: Isn’t that, like…it’s like, you would never get Mila Kunis on your own. You had to develop a hashtag, like #iloveyoumila, or #mila4prom. Like, you had to…bend reality and the universe itself.
Sean: (interjects) I don’t think they’re going…I don’t think they’re…sorry.
Asterios: Oh, yeah.
Sean: I don’t think they’re going out of pity.
Dick: Me either.
Sean: No, I think Maddox is right. They’re going for good publicity.
Dick: Well, he’s saying they’re going because they got shamed. (they all talk over each other)
Maddox: They’re going to avoid bad publicity.
Sean: They’re going to avoid bad publicity. Yeah, exactly.
Asterios: Well, yeah, but…(Dick groans) why are they getting good publicity? For doing charity, essentially.
Asterios: Like, you’re a big, ugly charity case, and that’s there the good publicity comes from! That’s the story. It’s “incredibly hot-looking princess goes to prom with troll.”
Dick: Yeah. It’s fun.
Asterios: Like…you wanna be the troll? I don’t know. I don’t wanna be the troll.
Maddox: You know what it is, Asterios and Dick? It’s this…it’s this phenomenon that we have now…where people think that they are having good will by creating this narrative. Like, by playing into this huge, national narrative where there’s a love story going on, right? And we are the participants in this love story. And we can make it happen if we believe hard enough and if we tweet loud enough, and if we keep bugging them hard enough, that this love story, this narrative that we’ve invented in our minds…will come true. And this happened not too long ago. A couple of months ago, this woman in France saw a guy and a girl kissing…I think the guy, like, proposed to his girl, or something, on the Eiffel Tower. And she caught this moment in a photo. It was a very nice photo. Nothing wrong with the photo. Then this woman decided to go out of her way to try to find this couple to give them this photo. And finally, there was this huge national campaign.
Maddox: And people were posting it…yeah. On Reddit. Like, “Who is this couple?” “Who is this mystery couple?” “We have to find this couple!” She finally found the couple and the guy’s like “I don’t want this photo.”
Sean: We’re divorced.
Maddox: Yeah. Didn’t work out.
Maddox: You know, whatever. I want my privacy. I don’t want my fucking photo plastered everywhere, you fucking lunatic!!! This is the world we’re living in now, where you can just pressure anyone into doing anything! Put their photo out there. Force people to do it just because of peer pressure! It’s just fucking bullying! All these idiots who want…like the dancing girls? The well-intentioned idiots? This is the exact problem they’re fighting against! They’re fighting against shaming by shaming people!!!
Dick: I think you guys read a lot into this stuff. Like, this…it’s just fun. It’s harmless fun.
Maddox: That’s irrelevant. (Asterios cackles) Whether it’s fun or not…
Dick: (interjects) That’s irrelevant. (laughs)
Asterios: Jesus Christ!
Dick: The fact that it’s harmless fun is irrelevant.
Asterios: Is irrelevant! (laughs)
Maddox: Fun is irrelevant.
Dick: These people are being shamed and bullied…
Maddox: No, ‘cause that doesn’t address the problem. Like, whether or not you think it’s fun…
Dick: (interjects) There’s no problem to anybody.
Maddox: Whether or not you think it’s…no, it is a problem. ‘cause…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, Mila Kunis is really offended in her house that this Marine asked her out?!
Maddox: No, you don’t know. They’re very busy. Look, Ronda Rousey lost her fight.
Dick: Because of this guy?!
Maddox: I don’t know. But the guy specifically said. He was like, “Maybe you’re too busy training for your next fight.”
Dick: Or acting. Or trying to be a sex symbol.
Maddox: Well, whether or not she is or isn’t depends on us.
Maddox: But, um…these people are very busy with their lives. They have careers to do. They worked really hard to get to the top of their field. And yeah, this might be an interruption that they can’t handle in the moment. Just cut it out, guys. Stop it, please. For the love of God.
Asterios: All these media narratives are so disposable. It’s such a disposable distraction. It’s like…”Oh, we gotta find the person who…we gotta find the couple from the photo on the Eiffel Tower.” “Oh, we gotta find a date for Brad #date4brad.” We gotta do this, we gotta do that. And then the narrative closes and we throw it away. It’s just something that boring people who don’t create any value use to feel important for a nanosecond.
Dick: Is that why you guys are upset, ‘cause you think you’re creators, so you’re better than these kids who are getting national attention just by asking celebrities to prom?
Asterios: I’m not gonna say that’s why it upsets Maddox, but I think getting attention for attention’s sake…I think being a celebrity just to be a celebrity…I think creating nothing of value that anyone would ever want. Yeah, I think that’s sort of a despicable position.
Dick: Hmm, okay. I see.
Asterios: Yeah. That’s my…that’s my…I’m not gonna say it’s yours, that’s my take.
Maddox: No, I do feel better than them. But I feel better than everyone. Anyway, guys.
(Closing riff starts)
Maddox: My problem this week is Celebrity Prom Requests.
Asterios: My problem this week is Slouching!
Dick: Adults Living With Their Parents.
Asterios: See you next Tuesday!!
(Voice mail: male voice: Will you guys please stop fucking saying the N-word? Who the hell do you think you’re avoiding offending? Everyone knows what the hell you mean.”
“Just SAY…” (file cuts off))
(they crack up)
Sean: It’s true, though. It’s like the same people who say “people of color”. You’re basically…you’re saying “colored person”, which is an outdated…
Dick: (laughing) (interjects) Where’s the race card?!
Sean: Yeah! No, but it is! Like, if you’re not comfortable saying colored person, you probably shouldn’t say people of color.
Dick: People of color?
Maddox: Sean, I’ve heard this argument for a long time about…
Sean: (interjects) Not buying it?
Dick: Nah, just don’t say it.
Maddox: The N-word.
Maddox: No, the N-word is different than any other word in our language.
Sean: Well, of course.
Maddox: No other word has that much power. No other word has that much impact.
Sean: I wasn’t comparing the two.
Maddox: Yeah. No, I know. But a lot of people do.
Dick: I wonder how women feel about the C-word.
Maddox: Not the same way.
Dick: Well, I don’t know. I’m not a woman.
(Voice mail: male voice: “This is Uncle Ruckus. Just wanted to tell that black son of a bitch, Denzel, who came on the show talkin’ about his black problems. Denzel, you had every right to be following the Apple store.” (Dick chuckles) “Walking into the whitest place on Earth.”
“Lookin’ like you were gonna steal. I’m glad you turned out your pockets to let those white people know that you didn’t have no weapon, so when they call the cops and beat -year-old’ black ass, you’d be alright with that.” (Maddox giggles) “Anyway Denzel, the reason why there’s single black men out there in single households, it because ya’ll are just like jackrabbits. That’s why they call it hippity hop. ‘Cause y’all keep hoppin’ and hoppin’, and fuckin’ all these other bitches out there. (Maddox laughs) So keep it clean. Thank you, Dick, for setting up and representin’ for me.”
Dick: You’re welcome.
“Go fuck yourself, too.”)
Dick: Ohhhh, dammit!
Maddox: (laughing) Good call.
Dick: Oh, and an Asian guy called in, offended about your derogatory…
Maddox: (interjects) A real Asian guy?!
Dick: I don’t know!
Maddox: Is it Tim Changzzzzz again?
Dick: It’s not Tim Changzzzzz. (Maddox chuckles)
Maddox: Let’s hear it.
Dick: This guy has a more convincing accent.
(Voice mail: male voice with terrible fake Asian accent: “Uh, herro Mistah Maddox.” (they giggle) “You use very offensive racial slur in regard to me being a swopehead.”)
(file cuts off)