Biggest Problem in the Universe – Episode 91
Transcription courtesy of: Laurie Foster https://www.patreon.com/lafmodel
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(Biggest Problem theme riff starts)
Maddox: Welcome to the Biggest Problem in the Universe, the show where we discuss every problem in the universe, from Soggy Cereal, to Teen Pregnancies! With over 5 million downloads, this is the only show where you decide what should or shouldn’t be on the big list of problems. I’m Maddox. With me is Dick!
Dick: Hey, what’s up, buddy?
Maddox: And Sean, our audio engineer.
Maddox: And with us…with us this week is Robin. Robin Higgins, welcome back to the show, Robin.
Robin: Thanks for having me.
Maddox: Thanks for joining us! Fan favorite Robin. That you…you made a name for yourself last time, because you talked about your erotic Star Trek fanfiction.
Maddox: Is that correct? Am I mischaracterizing?
Robin: Nononono, that’s correct, yeah.
Maddox: That’s exactly what you talked about it. (Robin giggles)
Dick: I think you made a name for yourself for more than that, though.
Maddox: Nope! (laughs) No, you were a fan favorite. Everyone loved you on the show, and…
Robin: That’s awesome.
Dick: Did any guys contact you? Do you have any, like, guy superfans?
Dick: ‘Cause I know someone on this show has women contacting him…(Robin giggles) to get in touch with him, right?
Dick: If you know what I mean.
Robin: I do think I know what you mean. Uh, no. Not…that would be…no. No one’s contacted me.
Dick: No guys have tried to, like, impress you with their science jokes?
Robin: Also, to be fair, I never check social media.
Dick: Oh, okay.
Maddox: Robin, I know for a fact some guys have tried to reach out.
Maddox: ‘Cause I saw some creepers on Twitter hitting you up.
Maddox: They’re like “Robin..”…they were, like, “Robin, your voice is so sexy. I can’t believe you’re into science.”
Robin: Oh, my God. I gotta check Twitter.
Maddox: Star Trek.
Robin: I haven’t checked it since…like, I check it once a year, yeah.
Maddox: For real? Oh, you got a billion love messages in there. And then, like…you know. A bunch of creepers.
Dick: Would you consider dating a guy who approached you on Twitter first?
Robin: Uh…I guess. Is he 6 feet tall or taller?
Dick: They’re all 6 feet tall and taller on Twitter, yeah.
Robin: Okay, then yeah. (giggles)
Dick: That’s the beauty of it. Just never meet them in real life. What would it take? I’m asking seriously. It’s…you know, it’s the modern world.
Robin: Yeah, I don’t care. That’s like the Internet. The Internet’s a thing.
Robin: I’m…yeah. I mean, like, I do a pathetic amount of online dating, so it wouldn’t…that’d just be another…
Dick: (interjects) Well, here’s the thing. Any amount of online dating is a pathetic amount. (Sean giggles) So I have no idea how much online dating you do.
Robin: Really?! No. What?! It’s fine.
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: Wrong! Wrong. It’s not.
Dick: Yeah, it is. It’s pathetic.
Maddox: It’s how people meet sometimes, it’s great.
Dick: It’s still pathetic. (giggles)
Maddox: You’re on fucking Tinder!
Dick: It’s still pathetic. (scoffs)
Maddox: Oh, okay.
Dick: It doesn’t matter. (Robin giggles)
Maddox: Alright, guys…
Dick: (interjects) A lot of things are pathetic.
Maddox: Dick, Robin. The night that we recorded our infamous Smash Brothers competition, Robin was also doing a show that night, and you did a set that…uh, was one of my favorite things I’ve seen in a long time on stage. It was a Wheel of Fortune bit that you did.
Maddox: That was whether or not Pat Sajak and Vanna White had hooked up. And you went into, like, 60 minutes level of inquiry as to the analysis as to whether or not they hooked up, and you even came down to a date range.
Robin: Yeah. Possibly.
Dick: May or may not.
Dick: Have hooked up.
Maddox: Yeah. So you just finished this sketch, right?
Robin: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just recorded it. And so…yeah. It’s really long. It’s 10 minutes long, ‘cause it just was…I treated it like a research project, and I was like, “Whatever.” This is just, like, if you wanna really, really know the answer to this question as far as what the Internet has given us, then I made it…this long video.
Maddox: And what do you think? Did they hook up?
Robin: I do think they did.
Dick: Well, don’t…well, wait a minute. Don’t blow the ending.
Robin: Well, it’s…yeah. I won’t blow, like, the piece of evidence that, like, makes me pretty sure, but you can just skip to the end of the video if you wanna see it.
Maddox: You have the smoking gun.
Robin: I have the smoking gun, yeah.
Robin: There’s no…they’re not gonna ever confirm or deny. But…well, they’re gonna deny. They’re not gonna confirm, but I think it happened.
Maddox: You have Vanna White’s vagina.
Robin: Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I’ve got that. (Maddox laughs) That’s one of my three most treasured items.
Maddox: Gross. Okay, guys…last…(laughs) last week, speaking of, uh…vaginas.
(Sound effect: Drumroll)
Maddox: Last week….the biggest problem in the universe.
(Sound effect: Cymbal)
Maddox: Was Domestic Violence!
Maddox: And…followed by Unappreciated Artists. Or Artists Who Get Screwed. And then, dead last, was Crickets!
(Sound effect: Ba-dum ching! Drums)
Dick: You wanna get some cricket sounds? (laughs) Is that what you’re looking for?
(Sound effect: Crickets chirping)
Maddox: (laughing) That was so worth it. Yeah, no. You were saying it was not a problem.
Dick: ‘Cause people eat them.
Maddox: Well, some people eat them, yeah.
Dick: Yeah. Dirt-poor people.
Maddox: No!! Protein. It has protein.
Dick: Wait a minute! Didn’t you say you were gonna eat the cricket that you caught in your house?!
Sean: Yeah, did you find it?
Dick: Did you find it!?
Maddox: Yeah, I finally found the cricket.
Dick: Did you eat it!?
Maddox: Not yet.
Dick: What do you mean, not yet?
Maddox: You know, I’m not gonna spoil the ending to…I’m making a video about this cricket, okay? It’s my…it’s my sendoff letter to this cricket. And the cricket may be alive. Maybe it’s not. Who knows? You’ll have to watch the video. I’m doing a video about it.
Dick: Are you gonna eat it, though?
Maddox: We’ll see! We’ll see, Dick.
Dick: Well, you said you would eat it!
Maddox: Well, I don’t know!
Dick: You’ve said you were gonna do a lot of things, though.
Dick: You said you’d watch Titanic, you didn’t do that. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Oh, yeah.
Dick: Right, Robin?
Robin: Can I just say that the stupidest part…well, no. The second-stupidest part of Snowpiercer was how upset they were when they find out they’d been eating crickets for, like, 10 years or 20 years, or whatever.
Robin: And it’s just, like, “What the fuck did you think you were eating?” Also, crickets are not that gross.
Maddox: Crickets are not gross to lots of people.
Robin: Also, it was in a gross gel bar. Like, what did you think was in that gel bar, bitches?! Like, they’re, “Oh, OH MY GOD. NOW we have to murder everyone! We’ve been eating crickets on this apocalypse train!”
Maddox: So for people who haven’t Snowpiercer, they’re these people on this apocalypse train and they have to eat…they’d been eating this food that they didn’t know was crickets all this time. And they got really super upset, right?
Robin: VERY upset.
Maddox: Yeah. Which, I just bought…for real. I bought cricken…cricket protein bars from Amazon. They sell…it’s a very sustainable, it’s a very clean source of protein that you can get.
Dick: Yeah, big solution.
Maddox: I guess, yeah. Crickets?
Maddox: Yeah. Eating them is a big solution.
Maddox: Not living with them. That’s a huge fucking problem! Dick, uh…last week, so, you brought in Domestic Violence.
Maddox: Lot of people really thought that was a good episode, myself included. I thought it was a great episode, great problem. I’m glad you brought that in. Uh, we got a lot of comments in there saying that they really like the show. Very, very positive. And a lot of people commented about their own personal experiences with domestic violence. Uh, thank you for sharing those. There were some voice mails we got. Some of them were very long and emotional and personal, and I decided not to bring all of those in, but…I did look up some of these statistics about domestic violence. And this is kind of fascinating, because all domestic violence surveys and statistics kind of presume a heterosexual frame of reference, right? A heterosexual point of view. Um, this is from the CDC. It says, “The prevalence of rape, physical violence, and or stalking by an intimate partner, for women…lesbian women. Was 43.8%.” And bisexuals was 61.1%. The highest group who experienced this kind of harassment and abuse are bisexual women, followed by lesbians, and then heterosexuals. So lesbian and bisexual…relationships are much more likely to experience domestic violence and sexual abuse. And for gay men, it’s 26%, bisexual men it’s 37%, and heterosexual men is 29%. So across the board, bisexual people experience violence way more frequently than heterosexual couples. Kind of interesting.
Robin: Yeah. I wouldn’t have ever, like, thought about that.
Maddox: And then I looked into the statistics a little bit further, to see what they actually meant by domestic violence, because sometimes, when you talk about domestic violence, it’s kind of conflated with verbal abuse. Or, they call it “verbal violence”. Which isn’t, you know, physical violence. They said, “The lifetime prevalence of severe physical violence by an intimate partner, for example, being hit with a fist or something hard slammed against something, or beaten.” Was, for women, 29% lesbian, bisexuals are 49%, and heterosexuals are 23%. So again, bisexual and lesbian women are way more likely to get abused than anyone else.
Sean: So the moral of the story is, “Being gay is bad for your health.” (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Good job, Sean.
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: Ass. Alright.
Sean: Aw, I thought I was getting a Ding and a Hand Clap.
Maddox: Nooooo. (Robin laughs)
Dick: Somebody called in with…I think…what was it, the bonus episode, or was it last episode, when we were talking about what is a…how do you stop at a stop sign? Do you remember that one?
Maddox: Yeah! I…
Dick: (interjects) Somebody called in with a definition of how you determine if it’s a stop.
Maddox: ‘Cause I don’t understand what it even means to stop.
Dick: Well, are you being sarcastic?
Maddox: No, no!!
Maddox: ‘Cause there is that infinitesimal moment…like, how much time has to pass for you to have stopped?
Dick: No, no, no. You’re off…you’re off already. This guy tells you exactly what it is.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Yeah, I guess in that Maddox School of Samurai Driving…uh, they don’t actually talk about what a stop is without trying to explain the space-time continuum and physical properties of time. So…I remember learning it when I was like, 15, in driver’s ed.”
Dick: I don’t remember it.
“And this is the exact same thing that cops look for. So…does your front bumper go down and then come back up? That is the definition of a complete stop.”
Maddox: No!!! (laughing) That’s such bullshit!!
“You fucking idiot.”)
Dick: Wait, wait…
Maddox: No, it’s not!
Dick: Why is that bullshit?!
Maddox: That’s such bullshit! Because you have to have enough momentum…first of all, that depends on the dampering of your springs, big solution, vote it up! It depends on the dampering of your springs. Also, it depends on the speed that you’re going! If you’re not going fast enough to jar your car, then that means you didn’t stop!? That’s fucking bullshit!
Dick: (laughs) Oh, my God!
Maddox: Your…your bumper doesn’t have to go up and down! That’s absurd! I’m gonna veto that. I’m gonna veto that.
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Dick: What will you NOT argue with? That guy…that’s, like, a very clear explanation of your momentum coming to a stop, grinding into the springs, and then popping back out. (grins) Like…
Maddox: Right, but if you’re traveling around 5 miles per hour, Dick…
Dick: (interjects) It will definitely do that.
Maddox: No, it won’t. Your bumper will not…at 5 miles per hour!? Even Randy’s shaking his head.
Maddox: No way! Sean, what do you think? If you’re going 5 miles per hour, is your bumper going to go up and down perceptively?
Sean: I think on most cars it will. But not on a sports car with a stiff suspension on it.
Dick: What, like, an F1? Like a Formula One?
Sean: Like, an F…yeah.
Dick: That’s what you’re talking about?
Sean: F1 probably won’t move.
Dick: Yeah, okay. (grins)
Sean: But here’s the thing. You’re probably…if you’re driving like a normal person, you’re probably approaching that stop fairly quick, ‘cause people don’t like to be inconvenienced. So you’re cruising up at, like, a normal speed…you hit the brakes a little bit, it probably goes down.
Maddox: (interjects) At 5 miles per hour, Sean?
Sean: No, I think it’s going faster than 5 miles an hour.
Maddox: No, no, but…they’re not gonna make a law that depends on…on the dampening of your shocks. (Dick guffaws) They’re not going to make a law like that.
Sean: Agreed. Agreed.
Maddox: That’s absurd.
Dick: Okay. (laughing)
Sean: No, I…I think if you…
Maddox: (interjects) Sports cars!!
Sean: Let’s put it this way. I think if you really look for it, you can see it, but I don’t think that’s really a criteria.
Sean: For somebody giving a ticket.
Maddox: Yeah. You think some eagle-eye cop is sitting there?!
Dick: You don’t think…
Sean: No, I think they can see if you stop, or not.
Sean: It’s just a judgment call. It’s like, “Did you stop, or didn’t you?”
Maddox: Right. That’s what it is, Sean. It’s a judgment call.
Robin: It’s like pornography. You know it when you see it, if it’s a stop or not. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, exactly.
Dick: Alright. I got some…I got something about artists. Oh, here we go.
(Voice mail: male voice: “Hey, this voice mail is for Balless Coupled Nuts.”
Dick: I don’t think that one’s gonna stick.
“How the fuck can you sit there and say that artists are getting the shaft by this big, fucking production company that’s taking their idea and selling it as their own and not giving them any fucking profit, while also peddling your Mega Man-themed book, you talentless hack. (they laugh) Fuck you! And Dick, go fuck yourself.”)
Dick: Awwwww. I think that guy just wanted to remind everyone that they can buy Asterios’ Mega Man books.
Maddox: Yeah! http://devastatorpress.com/megaman. We’re gonna link to it on our website! Thanks for the plug, dickhead! (Robin laughs)
Dick: Yeah. (Maddox laughs) Alright. Uh…oh, okay. Here’s the last one. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What state is Chicago in? Just a geography quiz?
Sean: Yeah, that would be Illinois.
Dick: Okay. That’s…wait, what?
Dick: Okay. Who said “Illinoise” just then.
Dick: Well, ‘cause I got a lot of voicemails like this.
(Voice mail: male voice: “This is Matt from DC. Quick message for Maddox, author of the article ‘I am a Genius and You Are Not.’”
Maddox: Yeah. That’s me.
“Illinois. Ill-i-noy. Ill-i-noy. Ill-i-noy.”
Maddox: YEAH, OKAY!!!
“Illinois, you piss-drinking ape.”)
Dick: Did you say Illinoise last episode? (Sean laughs) ‘Cause a lot of people called in about it, I didn’t know if you said Illinoise.
Maddox: Wait, are we talking about the state that Chicago is in? Illinoise. Illinoise, right?
Maddox: Are we talking about Ilinoise?
Maddox: Is that annoying enough, dickhead? I’m gonna pronounce it Illinoise for the rest of my life! (Robin laughs) Fuck you! How about that?! I’m never gonna pronounce it right.
Sean: My brother moved to Ar-Kansas. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Oh, that’s really annoying, Sean. (laughs)
Dick: Alright. You got anything else? I don’t.
Maddox: No, that’s it. Dick, you got a problem for us.
Dick: Yeah. Wasting Food.
Maddox: Wasting Food!? Big problem!
(Sound effect: Ding!)
Maddox: Okay, why are you bringing this in? ‘Cause this made headlines recently, if it’s what I think it is.
Dick: Said that you can no…I’ll just skip right to that. France has become the first country in the world to ban supermarkets from throwing away and destroying unsold food. That’s my favorite part. They have to give it away to charities and food banks.
Dick: So did you…do you know how much food we throw away, every day?
Robin: A shit-ton. So much.
Dick: A shit-ton.
Robin: So much.
Dick: We throw away…the civilized world throws away the ENTIRETY of the amount of food that the uncivilized world MAKES. It’s something like that. That’s not exactly what it is, but…
Robin: (interjects) That sounds about right.
Maddox: No, that’s about right.
Dick: More than 40% of our losses, uh…occur at the retail and consumer level…the total, yeah. The total waste of food by consumers is 222 million tons. That’s equal to the entire food production of sub-Saharan Africa.
Maddox: That’s…that’s a shit-ton.
Dick: That’s a lot.
Maddox: And I read this statistic too, recently, Dick. That..we produce enough food…right now, the Earth’s population is about what? 7 billion?
Maddox: And we produce enough food to feed 11 to 12 billion annually, and there’s still about a billion people starving. Or people who…they’re not starving, but they’re malnourished and they don’t have enough food.
Dick: Yeah. Here’s…I think this is what you’re saying. One in four calories are never eaten, that we make. So one in four of the calories that are being made in food, we just throw away. And not JUST throw away! That’s the part that I love about this law that they passed. It’s not only that they can’t throw it away anymore, it’s that they can’t throw it in the dumpster, and then pour bleach on it.
Maddox: Yeah. (they laugh) Yeah.
Dick: So that homeless people, when they come to try and eat, like, the misshapen apples, and, like, the slightly old salads?
Maddox: Stale bread, yeah.
Dick: They get a mouthful of bleach instead.
Robin: That’s so sad!
Dick: That’s standard practice! (laughing) (Maddox laughs)
Robin: WHY?! (laughing) Why?!
Dick: Who knows?! Who the fuck knows!?!?!
Maddox: Okay, I…no, I have some insight on this, actually.
Dick: ‘Cause people would be eating out of the trash, otherwise. Otherwise, all the moms with…shopping on Sundays with their kids are just gonna take that shopping cart and go straight to the dumpster instead, and shovel food out of it.
Sean: If you feed ‘em, then they stay.
Sean: Then you end up paying for…
Dick: (interjects) They’re gonna set up camp!
Sean: Gonna pay ‘em for vet bills…(Dick and Robin laugh)
Maddox: (interjects) Sean, that’…
Sean: And all kinds of shit.
Maddox: That’s a very cynical approach, and that may have something to do with it. But I asked…when I was a kid, I wondered this very same thing. I saw, at the grocery store, my local grocery store, the guy behind the counter taking huge loaves of bread at the end of the night, putting it in a giant bag, you know, it looked like a transparent trash bag. And I asked him, I said, “What are you doing with all that bread? Are you going to take it home?” and he goes, “No, we just throw it away.” I said, “Why don’t you give it to homeless people?” and…
Dick: (interjects) No, no. (chuckles) Can’t do that.
Maddox: Yeah. Um, he explained to me, the food that you give to homeless people has to be clean and regulated. You can’t give them bad food, because otherwise it’s a liability. And also, if they come to your property and they hurt themselves in your dumpster, or whatever, that’s also a potential liability. So it’s kind of…it kind of has to do with these laws that are on the books, to protect homeless people. Because essentially, if you open up a soup kitchen, and you are feeding them moldy bread and food that had turned, and food that was bad…
Maddox: You’d get arrested.
Sean: What does it have to be, like, free-range, certified organic now?
Dick: Yeah. It does. For the homeless people? The food has to have better living conditions than they do.
Sean: Gluten-free options.
Sean: For the homeless.
Robin: That makes sense. It’s just all about…we’d rather not provide this huge service, ‘cause it would put…you’d get sued.
Robin: You just…people don’t want to get sued.
Maddox: That’s all it is right now.
Robin: That’s what that whole thing is.
Maddox: Yeah. That has a lot to do with it. Which is sad, because this could…this could potentially solve a huge problem. Also, there’s another reason.
Sean: I wanna see that lawyer! (Dick and Maddox laugh)
Maddox: Oh, they exist. Oh, they’re out there.
Dick: Yeah, that’s every lawyer, Sean.
Dick: That’s true. That’s their job.
Maddox: Yeah. Go back and listen…
Dick: (interjects) Supporting the law.
Maddox: Go back and listen to…
Sean: (interjects) I’m talking about homeless people.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah. Go back and listen to Episode 87 with Affluenza. That lawyer would fucking do it for sure.
Dick: That’s his job!
Maddox: Yeah. I’m saying, they would do it!
Maddox: But there’s another reason, too. And…when I worked at KFC a long time ago, that was my first job ever. I worked at KFC. (grins) And I was a cook, and at the end of the night, same thing. They would take a lot of the chicken and they would strip it and put it in the barbecue sauce for the next day. Like, the barbecue sandwiches are the previous day’s chicken that they cooked.
Maddox: It’s actually not bad. It’s actually a really good practice. However, there is a lot of food that they don’t keep and that doesn’t hold, like biscuits. I think chicken wings was another one, and a few other things. And they would throw that away. And I said, “Why don’t you give it to a homeless shelter?” And they said, “Because…”
Dick: (interjects) Can’t do that.
Maddox: “For the same reason we don’t allow the cooks to take it home anymore.” They used to. Because cooks, at the end of the night, sometimes intentionally overcook or overproduce product to give it to homeless people or to take it home themselves. (Dick laughs)
Dick: I…I love the absurdity of this. That’s why I find it so funny. I brought in Hunger, ‘cause I think it’s a huge problem, but the idea…the idea that we make 25% of our food just to throw away. Like, the idea that I go to Ralph’s and…the store. The supermarket. And overpay for an apple that looks perfect. And, like, all the ones that don’t look perfect are thrown away, and that part of the money I pay for that apple goes into destroying those non-perfect apples. And then part of the tax I pay on that apple goes to the government so they can give poor people money…SNAP…to go into the same store and buy a perfect apple while we’re just bulldozing perfectly good food into a landfill…is hysterical to me! Like, it’s too much! It’s too much. It’s no longer a tragedy. It’s crossed the line for me. Like, that absurd idea.
Robin: You guys REALLY talk about apples a lot on this show. (they crack up) Like, a lot.
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
(they talk over each other)
Dick: Is that one a strike?
(horrible piercing sound)
Dick: Yeah, that’s a strike.
Maddox: Okay, there’s the strike. We can’t mention apples anymore on the show, according to Candy Randy.
Robin: That lasted zero episodes. Haven’t you mentioned it every episode since that happened?! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, exactly.
Dick: You get three strikes though, and then you’re out.
Robin: (interjects) You didn’t even know you were mentioning apples. (laughs)
Sean: You’re working on strike two right now!
Maddox: You’re working on it!
Sean: The taser comes next.
Robin: Oh, yeah. I forgot, also. So, my goal last time I was on the show…was to get a problem that just goes in the positive. My goal this time is to get in a big screaming fight with somebody. So…
Dick: Oh, really?
Robin: I’m gonna be looking for my opportunity.
Maddox: You came to the right show.
Robin: ‘Cause I listened to it, and I was like, “This is just a nice little conversation.”
Robin: Every other episode is just SCREAMING at the top of your lungs! (Maddox laughs) So that’s my goal. So I’m gonna look for that opportunity.
Dick: Well, you experienced sexism. That’s probably why you didn’t get into a screaming fight.
Robin: Oh, yeah, yeah. You wanna be nice to me. Yeah, yeah.
Robin: That’s why I wore this shirt. I’m wearing a…
Dick: (interjects) An Ace Ventura shirt.
Robin: An Ace Venture shirt, yeah. So you won’t view me as the lovely object I know I am, under it. (giggles)
Dick: So you dressed down?
Robin: Yeah, yeah. (giggles)
Robin: I’m also really hung over. Like…really hung over. (giggles) (Maddox laughs)
Dick: The cause of dogs. It’s now why…here, you’re gonna be into this one. It’s now widely believed by scientists that the domestication of the dog was related to food scraps.
Robin: Oohhh. Then we can’t get rid of it! I love dogs!
Dick: So…here’s your first screaming match!
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: NO! (Dick laughs) MORE BLEACH ON FOOD. Less dogs! I am for this. I changed COMPLETE reversal! I think this is a huge SOLUTION. (Robin laughs) Putting…wasting food is awesome, ‘cause then you can put bleach on it, and fuck those dogs!! I’m so tired of everyone and their fucking dogs, man!
Dick: No, this is cavemen. Cavemen would waste food…
Dick: Throw it at food scraps. They would throw it aside, and that’s…dogs domesticated themselves, by starting to tag along.
Maddox: Oh, really?
Robin: That makes sense.
Maddox: Mmmm. (skeptical)
Dick: Prehistoric food waste.
Maddox: They’re parasites, that’s what they are. Parasites! Evolution’s parasite!
Robin: Cuddly parasite.
Maddox: I guess parasites are also evolution’s parasite. (Robin laughs) But dogs! Dogs are also evolution’s parasite.
Dick: Alright, um…
Maddox: Uh, Dick, so I have an…I have a personal anecdote with this specific problem.
Dick: Getting food out of trash?
Dick: You mean? Okay. (Robin giggles)
Dick: Go ahead.
Sean: It was right next to the Christmas tree!! (Dick laughs)
Dick: He got a whole feast out of the garbage!! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, okay. Laugh it up! But it was a perfectly good Christmas tree! I brought home a Christmas tree last year.
Dick: Out of the garbage. Out of the garbage.
Maddox: Yeah. It wasn’t…it was leaning against a dumpster! (Robin guffaws) It was a perfect…perfect…
Dick: (interjects) That means it was trash. Yeah.
Maddox: It was a perfect Christmas tree! Here’s the thing, kay, dickheads!? (background laughter) There’s this corporation…corporations shut down two weeks before Christmas because it’s fucking Los Angeles and they…and everybody just shuts down early, and they go home, and they don’t wanna come back to a dead tree in their lobby.
Maddox: So this tree that’s been…that’s, like, just freshly cut, barely used. They put it outside…
Dick: (interjects) (laughs loudly) Barely used?!
Maddox: Barely used!!
Maddox: Like, hardly any kids hugged it! And so I saw this…perfect good tree, and I brought it home. No big deal. Okay.
Maddox: But back to food. (background laughter) My dad…so there’s a personal anecdote. I’ve talked about my dad a bunch on the show. My dad is…like, 80…he’s 87 years old. He grew up, part of his life, through the Great Depression. So he has this mentality where he doesn’t…it’s almost like this abused mentality where, um, he doesn’t feel like he needs to eat apples from the tree. I had an orchard in my backyard where I grew up, with lots of apple trees.
Maddox: And…he would…he would eat the apples that fell on the floor. On the ground, before…
Robin: (interjects) I’m sorry. It’s just immediate air horn, right? What are we doing here?! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, I know.
Dick: Talking about apple! That’s all we do the strikes on. (they laugh) Is apples.
Maddox: He would eat food that had spoiled on the ground before he ate it from the tree, because he didn’t want anything to go to waste. Including food from the garbage.
Dick: Ohhhh, whoa. Okay.
Maddox: So, my mom…my mom…would throw out food all the time in the garbage, and my dad would go out to the trash and just hunt through it and eat it, ‘cause he didn’t want it to go to waste. And my mom started pouring bleach and detergent…(they crack up)
Dick: Oh, my God!!
Maddox: Yeah. (laughing)
Dick: Well, your mom’s going to jail now! She lived in France. You can’t do that.
Sean: Did she use a squirt bottle and spray him in the face every time he goes near the garbage can?! (they laugh)
Maddox: No! But it’s been the source of a lot of fights in my family, ‘cause my dad would try to eat this food my mom was throwing away.
Dick: As…as it should be.
Maddox: Yeah. (they crack up)
Sean: It’s like the Armenian George Constanza. (they all laugh again)
Maddox: My mom…my mom just started pouring detergent on it when she would throw it out. And it’s…and I get her point of view, too, because sometimes the food has spoiled and it’s gone bad, and she knows that if my dad gets sick eating that shit, then it’s gonna cost us way more money, and it’s gonna be a huge headache taking care of him!
Maddox: So I get that!
Robin: They do that on the Kardashians, too. Sometimes they’ll get gifts of cupcakes and stuff they like…(Maddox and Dick crack up) And they take one bite, and then, it’s like, “I can’t get fat.” And they have Windex…
Dick: (interjects) Get fat?!
Robin: (giggles) You think all the Kardashians are fat?
Robin: …take a look. There’s a lot more than you think. There’s like 10 Kardashians, they’re not all fat.
Dick: Oh, the ones I don’t know are not fat?
Robin: So…they’ll take one bite, and they’re just, like, “I can’t have anymore.” And then they spray this delicious cupcake with Windex and throw it in the trash. (giggles)
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: Oh, so they don’t get tempted to take it back out of the trash.
Maddox: Maybe it’s an Armenian thing.
Dick: Maybe. (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, I can say that. (laughs)
Dick: These stats are all over the place, that I got. One trillion dollars of food gets wasted every year. (laughing)
Maddox: That’s…that’s absurd.
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: This is an absurd problem, but here’s the other problem, Dick. When people talk about starvation…
Maddox: This is not a problem of not enough food. This is a problem of bad distribution, and politics. We don’t have totally free trade in the world, and we have subsidies. We have food that’s subsidized.
Maddox: And we have…we have countries…like, for example, we produce way more corn than we need here in the United States. And we just put it in silos sometimes. There’s just giant piles of corn in silos, and we can’t do anything with it, because first of all, it’s too expensive to export, and a lot of countries have tariffs against certain types of products. Like, for a long time…Japan, uh, wouldn’t import US beef, and so the US started putting taxes on soy, I believe, to kind of put the thumb on the scale to force Japan to start importing US beef again. So there’s a lot of politics and things that are involved in this problem, I think.
Dick: We do it with homes, too. A lot of empty homes out there. Lot of homeless people and empty homes.
Dick: That no one’s living in.
Dick: But they would wreck the homes. I mean, let’s be honest.
Maddox: What, squatters?
Sean: Cover it in bleach.
Dick: Yeah. Yeah. Cover it…(giggles) we gotta cover those homes in bleach.
Sean: Perfectly good homes, covered in bleach. (Robin giggles)
Maddox: There was that story, I think, a while back, where a guy in Arizona, he was a squatter, and he just walked into this home that was empty, and he started living there. And he started…he just…he bought a car. He started showing up there all the time, and he lived there for, like, two, three years, until finally someone kicked him out.
Sean: Well, it happened a ton when the banks took back the properties.
Sean: And they couldn’t market them. There were more properties than…you know. They would sit vacant for…years.
Maddox: Yeah, Sean. I go back and forth on that. Um…whether or not squatters are entirely good are entirely bad. Because I lived in a neighborhood once with a squatter house. It was a very obvious squatter house, ‘cause the bank was trying to sell it and nobody wanted the asking price. There were a lot of offers on the market, but no one gave them the offering price. So the house started becoming run-down, because squatters kept breaking in, and it became a prostitution ring. There was a trans prostitution ring in this house.
Dick: Ohhhhh. (lewd)
Maddox: In my neighborhood.
Dick: Wait, a trans pr…you mean…
Maddox: (interjects) It was trans.
Maddox: Trans…transgender. There were a lot of…I don’t know why, it just became a trans prostitution ring.
Dick: That story had…
Maddox: Yeah. (cracks up)
Dick: I was angry…and then the prostitution spiked me up!
Maddox: Mhmm. Yep.
Dick: And then you hit me with the trans! (Robin laughs) It was a real roller coaster!
(Sound effect: Boner sproing)
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Awww. Then a weeee-owwww. (Robin laughs) Alright.
Maddox: Alright, guys. Good problem, Dick. Is that it?
Maddox: You have anything else?
Dick: No, I don’t have anything else. Um…
Dick: But I just want to remind you that today’s episode is brought to you by Audible! Get a free 30-day trial at http://www.audiblepodcast.com/biggest. Free 30-day trial. That’s pretty good. You can’t get a free 30-day trial on an apple, can you?
Maddox: No. Not…
(horrible piercing horn sound again)
Maddox: There it is!!
Dick: No is the answer. It’s not a trick question. Guys, Audible is offering free 30-day trial membership. http://www.audiblepodcast.com/biggest and browse over 180 audio programs. You can listen to them just like you listen to this podcast, on your phone, or whatever. Whatever other device you might be listening to this on.
Maddox: Your Apple watch, if you have a few minutes of battery life.
Dick: Yeah. You can read about Steve Jobs. An autobiography by Walter Isaacson. Would you ever read an autobiography about Steve Jobs?
Maddox: Uh, possibly.
Dick: Just to get ammo about him? (Sean grunts in agreement)
Maddox: Yeah, I like to learn…I like to read about people I don’t like, sure.
Dick: Do you, really?
Maddox: Yeah. Well, first of all, I think Steve Jobs, again…I think that he didn’t invent shit, but he was a brilliant marketer. He was a brilliant businessman. I think that there’s a lot to be learned from Steve Jobs. He gets credit…he gets undue credit. Um…and he also gets due credit. I just think that people…people cherish and lionize Steve Jobs for the wrong reasons. I would totally read a book about Steve Jobs.
Dick: What if that book starts like that? He gets undue credit, and he gets due credit. (they both laugh) That’s a good start.
Maddox: Sounds like a New York Times bestseller.
Dick: They have erotic stories, too.
Sean: He’s like the modern Ben Franklin.
Dick: Yeah. You ever written an erotic story, Robin?
Robin: Written an erotic story?
Robin: Besides the Star Trek play? No. (giggles)
Dick: Oh, yeah. Well, you should turn that into an audio book. (Robin laughs) Throw it up on Audible. Audible.com.
Dick: There you go. Head to http://www.audiblepodcast.com/biggest.
Maddox: Thank you, Audible!
Dick: To get your free 30-day trial.
Maddox: Yeah. Free 30-day trial. Thank you Audible, for supporting the show. Lot of our fans used Audible last time when we…had them on as a sponsor. A lot of people really liked the service. Thank you for supporting us. Alright, Robin. You got a…you got a problem this week. I heard…a big problem.
Robin: I do have a problem.
Maddox: What is your problem?
Robin: My problem is that, uh…No One Teaches You How to Fuck Good. (Maddox laughs)
Sean: Oh, no!
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: No one teaches you how to fuck good.
Robin: Lemme break that down.
Sean: Have you met Dick Masterson? (Robin laughs) You just turned over the keys to the asylum to the lunatic!
Dick: It’s true. That’s true.
Dick: That’s what my book is all about!
Sean: It’s all fun and games…
Dick: That’s what every email I write is about, too.
Robin: So, I’m not talking about picking up women. I’m talking about…
Dick: (interjects) Oh, neither am I! (laughs)
Robin: Okay, great.
Sean: Somebody out there’s gonna take this advice and then end up in the ER with, like, a bowling pin jammed up their ass, or something.
Maddox: Yeah. (they giggle)
Sean: I take no responsibility for this.
Dick: Go ahead.
Robin: Here’s my explanation. Look at what we’re doing right now. We’re sitting, lovely chairs. With microphones, recording a podcast. Very complex, right? We’re speaking in English. So many concepts. How do we learn how to speak in English? How do we learn how to use microphones? ‘Cause someone taught us. ‘Cause someone…the only…like, if we had to invent. If it was just you and another 14-year-old, and you’re gonna try to invent how to speak in English, you would be horrible, right? You would never learn anything.
Robin: Like, that’s the main way we pass down information from generation to generation. That’s how we get everything! That’s how we get cars.
Dick: Thousands of hours on how to construct a thought and a thesis.
Robin: And it’s just like, “Here’s how you say…” Yeah. We need the word “chocolate”.
Robin: Here it is. Just say, “chocolate” when you’re looking at that thing.
Robin: Um, anyway, every generation of people…’cause you just don’t talk about sex, you just…eventually roll into bed with somebody, and you both try to figure it out together. And some people pick it up, and you’re like, “Okay.” You learn the techniques. And some people don’t. And you just fuck bad. And that’s what it is. And…
Dick: (interjects) And then you’re stuck with it.
Robin: And then you’re stuck with it. And also…you don’t get any…it’s really hard to get…there’s no feedback.
Dick: Can’t get feedback.
Robin: There’s no classes.
Dick: Absolutely not.
Maddox: Mmmm. Well….
Robin: So what I think is that there just should be, like, how you get, like, a generic puberty book and it’s just, like, “Here’s what’s gonna happen in your body.” And it doesn’t help. Like, those puberty books aren’t that great, right? But they give you information.
Robin: Like, you’re, like, pubes are gonna show up at some point, right? There just should be, like, a boring porn that everyone watches that’s just, like, a couple of things. Just a couple of things to set you on the track of just, like, not being the worst in bed and having to figure it out by yourself.
Maddox: Yeah. Robin, I think I know…for guys, how to solve this problem.
Maddox: For guys, you need to have sex with a woman at least 30 years old.
Dick: Oh, God. (background giggles)
Maddox: At least 30…
Dick: This is the worst.
Dick: This is why there’s no book, because we’re already on very different wavelengths. Why? Why, why?
Maddox: ‘Cause a lot of the women I’d hooked up with, in the past, especially the younger ones, were absolutely inexperienced in the sack, and awful. It was awful! That’s why I said high school sex is garbage. You guys think you’re…yeah, your bodies are great, but the sex sucks. And then, I finally had sex with a woman in her thirties. And…she was a no-bullshit type of woman. She’s like, “Do this. Don’t do that. Stop it. Shut up.” Like, she told you exactly…(trails off laughing)
Robin: Well, yeah. You got lessons.
Maddox: And take that outta your mouth! (they all laugh)
Dick: It sounds like YOU were the problem, though. In all the instances leading up to this. How can you do that many things wrong?
Robin: It’s, like, both people, though. It’s…
Maddox: Yeah, it is.
Robin: Okay, there’s also, just like, the lack of good things. There’s just a bunch of garbage, just, like, you know. No technique.
Dick: No what?
Dick: What kind of technique are you looking for?
Maddox: Yeah, Robin. What are you…
Dick: Gimme three. Gimme one. Let’s do around the horn. What do you like?
Robin: Lemme, like…
Sean: (interjects) Different people want different things.
Robin: Break down…
Maddox: Different people want different things. (they all talk over each other)
Robin: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Dick: We’re going around the horn!
Maddox: There’s no such thing….
Dick: Give us one.
Robin: Okay, okay. One thing, like…
Dick: (interjects) One thing. Favorite thing.
Robin: It takes guys a long time to learn, “Use your fucking hand when you’re going down on somebody.” Like, don’t just use your tongue.
Maddox: Ah-ha! Robin!
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: I know…so, I’ve been with women who like that, and I’ve been with women who don’t.
Maddox: And they will very verbally or physically restrain you if you…if you get a little too handsy down there.
Robin: Okay, well, whatever. At least know it’s on the table.
Maddox: It’s on the table, I agree.
Robin: Don’t just…yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Okay. I’ll give you that.
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Dick: I mean, if you’re performing oral as a man, you’re making a mistake already, right? (background laughter)
Robin: Okay, great. Great.
Dick: ‘Cause that’s not what they want, in their mind.
Dick: They don’t want you to submit to them. They want you to be always be dominant.
Dick: Yeah. So what’s yours? What’s your first tip?
Maddox: Again, I’m…
Dick: (interjects) This is the book. This is the book.
Maddox: It depends on the woman.
Dick: Well, you can’t put that in a book! That’s not a lesson! That’s not how you teach somebody to do…you can’t say, “It depends on them. Good luck!” You gotta give ‘em something!
Dick: You gotta say, “It’s dangerous. Take this tip.” Robin gave a great one.
Dick: Use your hand. Okay.
Maddox: (interjects) I would say…
Dick: (interjects) Alright. If you’re into that kind of thing.
Maddox: I would say, if you’re starting out, it’s someone, the first time you’re having sex with them. You…ramp up. You gotta be really gentle, and then see what their tolerance is. What their tolerance level is?
Dick: Hohoho. Okay. (giggles)
Maddox: And just ask them. Just ask them. Some women have really sensitive, uh..sensitive nipples. Sensitive clit. But you have to…
Dick: It’s getting steamy in here. (Maddox laughs, Robin giggles) With these specific terms that you’re using!
Robin: That YOU asked for.
Dick: Woooooohohohoho!!! I’m getting…what?! Okay!
Maddox: (interjects) No, some wo…
Dick: (interjects) Okay. Ramp up.
Robin: Ramp up.
Maddox: Some women are very sensitive.
Dick: Ramp up on the nipples.
Maddox: And then other women…other women have, like, piercings down there, and it’s like sticking your dick into a tackle box! (Sean cracks up)
Maddox: And you can just…
Dick: Dick into a tackle box. (they all laugh) Alright.
Maddox: So you can just hammer away like a jackhammer and, like, nothing. It’s like nothing. So anyway, that’s my tip. Ramp up.
Dick: Okay. (they talk over each other)
Maddox: Well, so…
Dick: That’s a great tip!
Dick: Maddox, that’s a great tip!
Robin: What’s your tip?
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Dick: Well, I wanna get Sean first.
Dick: See, he’s eager. Look at how eager he is to show off his tip. (Robin chuckles)
Sean: You move the mouse to your left hand. (they all laugh)
Dick: That’s a great tip. I do it too!!!!!!!!!! (laughing)
Sean: Maddox is not amused. (they all laugh)
Dick: Why would you move the mouse to your left hand?! (grins)
Sean: Most people are right-handed!!
Maddox: Move the mouse…? (confused)
Sean: It’s a…
Dick: (interjects) Explain it. Explain it.
Sean: It’s a jerk-off joke!
Dick: Yeah, okay. That’s what I thought.
Maddox: Ohhh, I see, okay.
Sean: This is not high-brow humor, here.
Maddox: Okay, I get it. Okay.
(they all talk over each other)
Maddox: No, I…I get it, Sean!
Sean: Low-hanging fruit.
Dick: Otherwise you…
Sean: (interjects) Reinforce the levy with those sandbags!!
Maddox: That’s funny. (laughing)
Dick: You build up too many muscles…you build up too many masturbating muscles in your left arm…
Sean: (interjects) Yeah, you gotta…right.
Dick: If you don’t move it to your other hand. I totally get it. Okay. My tip. Don’t let them look you in the eyes. (Robin scoffs)
Maddox: Hah, okay. (they all crack up) You’re not having a lot of daytime sex…
Dick: Don’t let them look you in the….what do you mean?!
Maddox: Well, if it’s dark, you don’t…it’s not a problem.
Dick: Oh, no. I turn that thing on like Abu Ghraib. (they all laugh) In my bedroom, there’s lights…it’s like Fenway Park in there. Like, many, many, many lights.
Robin: But no eye contact.
Dick: No eye contact at all. They like that! (background cackle) It gets them…’cause then they gotta use their imagination to see what you’re feeling. You know? They can’t look at your eyes and see nothing. (Maddox and Robin laugh) This is a pretty good guide.
Robin: I have another tip.
Robin: I thought of it. Um…no…like, little…if there’s…if you need to change positions and there’s a couple of second pause?
Robin: Or there’s, like, a little awkward thing that happens? No bits. (Dick and Maddox crack up loudly) And what I mean….
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
Robin: They’re like, “Oops, sorry about that. Oohh, oho, oho!! Oh, hahahahaha!!”
Robin: Like, ooooooooh. Ooooooh.
Maddox: Takes you out of the moment, doesn’t it?
Robin: It’s real bad. Shut the fuck up, unless it’s dirty talk.
Dick: So Michael Winslow is not your ideal man. (they all laugh) What kind of bits have you had pulled on you in the act of lovemaking? (Maddox cackles)
Robin: Just, like…just like awkward things like that, “Oh, oops! Whooooooooa!!! (cartoony) Oops!! Hahahahaha.” Like, little awkward thing. You’re feeling nervous.
Dick: Laughing. Laughing, yeah.
Robin: That, like, something happened. It’s like, yeah.. okay. It’s a bunch of bodies smashing. There’s gonna be a little weird, awkward thing once in a while.
Dick: Yeah. Okay.
Robin: Ignore it. Just, like, move on, yeah.
Maddox: Robin, I would add, on that note…also. Farts or queefs. If that happens, don’t…don’t bring attention to it. Don’t make it a big fucking deal.
Maddox: Like…(cracks up)
Dick: Okay. I’ll add an “especially in the case of…” although, I don’t think a fart and a queef is quite the same. I think a fart would be…
Dick: You could probably bring attention to that. (they laugh loudly) Would you…
Robin: I’ve never experienced a fart. (laughing)
Dick: Me either. (laughing) Me either. But I’m imagining it now.
Maddox: Well, depends on the kind of sex you’re having!
(Sound effect: Fart)
(Maddox and Robin laugh)
Dick: After a nice brunch gumbo….(they all laugh)
Maddox: Yeah, maybe. Maybe!!
Dick: Farts and queefs. Okay.
Maddox: It’s a real hot, spicy sex.
Dick: Maddox, what’s your next tip?
Maddox: Ah, my next tip. Okay.
Dick: (interjects) By the way, this is a man who finished on a woman and shouted, “Goal!” (Robin cracks up)
Maddox: We both shouted “Goal” at the same time, to be fair.
Robin: That sounds…
Maddox: (interjects) I should…
Robin: Like, I believe that. (laughs)
Maddox: I shot entirely…I made it right into her bellybutton, Robin. It was a perfect…it was perfect.
Maddox: (interjects) Every last drop.
Robin: But where…but, okay. But were you an…
Dick: (interjects) It was perfect in every way, except sexually. (they all laugh) Logistically…parabolically.
Maddox: Okay. Another thing I like to ask is…if this is a woman who I may be going out on a couple of dates with, and we’ve hooked up a few times. I…I, first of all, I’ve been fortunate enough to have none of the women except for one fake an orgasm in my life. Because…
Dick: Okay. (sighs)
Maddox: I asked them. I said, “What…?”
Robin: You ask every person? (giggles)
Dick: Wouldn’t it be easier to fake…to lie than it was to fake the entire orgasm!?
Maddox: I’ve…I’ve experienced only one fake orgasm, and I told the girl, I’m like, “I don’t care.” You don’t have to. It doesn’t hurt my ego if you don’t…if you don’t get off, that’s fine. Especially the first few times you have sex with someone, they’re often nervous, and they’re not going to get off until you build a certain comfort level.
Maddox: Because people aren’t comfortable enough to tell you what actually does it for them, and when you build that comfort level, that’s when people will be more honest, and that’s when you’re more likely to experience a real orgasm with a woman.
Dick: So what’s the tip? Don’t fake it?
Maddox: No, the tip is to ask them what gets them off and whether or not they’ve gotten off during sex. ‘Cause a lot of women haven’t. A lot of women cannot get off during sex.
Maddox: Especially uh, purely vaginally. Purely, like, with penetration.
Sean: That’s right.
Dick: Hah! Ooh boy, these clinical terms again! (grins) (they laugh) Getting me nice and steamy!
Sean: Sometimes just orally.
Maddox: Yeah, sometimes just orally. And sometimes…
Dick: No, that’s a myth that they tell you so…that’s a trick! (Robin laughs) ‘Cause they’re trying to trick you to go down on them. I know that fucking trick!
Robin: But Dick, then you don’t have to look them in the eye, going down on them.
Sean: Women who are multi…
Sean: I’m trying to give real advice here. (Dick laughs)
Dick: You fucked up.
Sean: Yeah. I forgot what show I’m on. I was gonna say, women who are multi-orgasmic…
Sean: Sometimes they don’t like oral.
Maddox: Yeah! That’s true.
Sean: Too sensitive.
Dick: Okay, so what…I’m sorry, go ahead.
Maddox: And myself, I’m not crazy about blowjobs, ‘cause sometimes blowjobs suck. And I…(Dick inhales) this is a tip for guys. Guys…
Dick: Was that a pun? (they all laugh)
Maddox: This is a tip for guys. Guys, if a woman…like, don’t be an eager beaver. Eager Eddie, with blowjobs, that you’re so happy you’re getting one that you’re just gonna take anything you get. ‘Cause that’s how…then the woman never improves! If the blowjob sucks, tell her, “Stop using your fucking teeth.” How about that?
Dick: Well, okay.
Dick: Wait, well, what’s your tip?
Robin: See, that’s why this, like, boring porn needs to exist that just has an example of someone seeing a normal blowjob, and then it has a little PowerPoint button that says, “Don’t use your teeth.”
Robin: Everyone just needs to, like…this thing just needs to be a boring thing that you watch.
Robin: It doesn’t exist.
Dick: Well, I like the teeth, though. I wanna pretend that she’s building a dam.
Maddox: You like…
Dick: And, like, this the first log.
Dick: And she’s chewing on it. (they laugh)
Maddox: Ugh, gross. Robin, is teeth…this is something I kind of wondered with women, too, because I’ve never…I’ve never done it, but is teeth ever a problem for women? Like, guys with their teeth?
Robin: Oh, I’ve never experienced that. That sounds horrifying.
Maddox: Okay. See, ‘cause guys have experienced it, and they know not to!
Robin: See, that’s..yeah. I don’t really understand why a woman would use teeth, but, uh…a guy using teeth, that gets really close to, like, your guys’ number one problem, right? Of female genital mutilation. (Maddox laughs) Like, that’s horrible.
Maddox: That is.
Robin: You’re, like, one clamp down away from that being gone.
Dick: Yeah, that’s the excitement. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: I looked up the stats on UNICEF.
Maddox: Yeah. This is according to UNICEF and the CDC. They actually did this research, they did a study. They found that when women are subjected to female genital mutilation, they do gnaw it off. They do use their teeth. The doctors.
Dick: Is that true?!
Maddox: No, of course not!!! (laughing)
Dick: Oh, my God!!! What a weird joke!! (they all laugh) Okay, so your tip was no…what, ask them…
Maddox: Ask them what gets them off. That’s my tip.
Dick: Ask them what gets them off. Ah, I don’t know, man. That’s putting a lot on them. That’s on you, you gotta figure that out.
Maddox: Yeah. And another thing, too, about women, is sometimes they can only get off in a certain position or a certain way. Even if it’s just laying down on their back, ir of they’re on top, whatever it is, that’s what they associate with getting off, and that’s the only way they can get off.
Dick: Okay. Sean, what’s your tip?
Sean: Alright, well…Dick’ll hate this, but it goes to honesty.
Sean: Don’t fake things. Here’s the other thing. Get outta your head.
Sean: Get outta your head.
Robin: Yeah, you have to be stupid. You can’t be using your brain.
Sean: No, it’s a basic thing.
Sean: If it feels good to you, feels good to her, or him, you’re there.
Sean: Like it’s…everybody’s different. Don’t overthink it.
Dick: What do you recommend to get out of your head? What’s a tip on how to get out of your own head? Then you really start freaking out. Look at…I see that jamming up in your brain gears right now. (Sean laughs) Even trying to think of an idea of how to get outta your head.
Robin: Just gotta be drunk. (Sean laughs)
Maddox: Just gotta be drunk. I’ve found that, uh…
Sean: (interjects) That works for a while.
Maddox: Like, first of all, don’t be self-conscious about your body. If you’re in the sack with someone, and you’re already naked or you’re getting your clothes off…
Maddox: Guess what? They’re into you. They want to have sex with you, ‘cause you’re in bed with them, naked. And if they’re…if they’re doing it with you, then don’t be so self-conscious about yourself. Just be confident. Do your thing, and don’t worry about it. But, uh…
Sean: (interjects) Probably easier said than done, but you’ve gotta find a way to just get outta your own head if you’re one of those people who overanalyzes everything.
Maddox: You know what I like to think…
Sean: You’ll enjoy it much more.
Maddox: This helped me a long time ago when I first started having sex. You know, if I felt self-conscious. I would think of the other person and how self-conscious they must feel, ‘cause they’ve never seen a giant monster cock like mine. (Robin laughs) So they must be really intimidated. Yeah.
Dick: Do girls have a problem getting out of their heads?
Sean: Where are those crickets? (they crack up)
Maddox: Fuck you, Sean.
Robin: Ummm…definitely at first, for sure. Yeah. The first time I ever came during sex was, like, a couple years into college, and it’s actually because I was…I think I was taking this dude’s virginity. And the reason that I was able to finally cum is because I knew that he didn’t have an expectation of, like, me to cum.
Robin: And so I wasn’t having an anxiety attack about it.
Dick: Oh, wow. Okay.
Dick: So otherwise you’d be freaking out because you…
Robin: (interjects) He also had, like, a really good dick. It was big.
Dick: How big? Like a Pringles can?
Robin: Oh, God, no.
Dick: Like a pool noodle?
Maddox: Like an….(they laugh)
Robin: Did I mention this last time?
Maddox: Like an organic banana, or conventionally grown?
Robin: (laughing) With the weird, like, lumps?
Maddox: Yeah, you know what I mean.
Robin: Umm…I did see a Pringles can dick once, and I had to send him home.
Maddox: Yeah. That shit’ll tear you up.
Robin: Yeah. I was just, like, “No.” It’s a no.
Maddox: Did you…did you do anything with him?
Robin: I gave it a handjob and it was…
Maddox: (interjects) Yeah, you give him a handy and send him off.
Robin: It was crazy. Yeah, he had to leave.
Maddox: Yeah. You had…(giggles) You have to go.
Dick: My tip?
Dick: Put your phone so the face is down. (Robin giggles) ‘Cause the last thing you want…
Robin: That’s actually not bad.
Dick: Is a text coming in from another girl.
Maddox: Another girl, yeah.
Dick: In the middle of having sex.
(inaudible while they talk over each other)
Dick: And she sees…that, and, like, “Who the fuck is this?!” And you’re like, “Oh, fuck! I gotta make up a bunch of lies while I’m in the middle of having sex?!” (Robin laughs) Alright. These are pretty good tips, guys.
Maddox: Good tips.
Robin: What’s this list going to?
Dick: This is the book! I’m gonna put it up on Audible.
Robin: Oh, okay. Wait, no! So I also…I came up with a problem, and I also had…
Sean: (interjects) It’s called “Tips to Ignore”.
Maddox: Yeah. (Robin laughs)
Robin: I also had a business idea for you two.
Robin: And so this is…we’re leaving bit territory. This is legitimately, I think, a good business idea for both of you. You guys should REALLY write a book together about how to pick up women.
Dick: Oh, that’d be a good book.
Robin: You should absolutely.
Robin: You got Maddox with the quality, Dick with the quantity.
Dick: Mhmm. (they all crack up)
Sean: Coming to you in 2025!!!
Dick: America’s built on quantity.
Maddox: Yeah, well.
Robin: And, yeah. I think it would be…you could make it funny, AND make it helpful and informative. ‘Cause you guys are both, like, weird nerdy dudes that are constantly fucking hot women!
Dick: Thank you.
Maddox: Thank you.
Robin: Like, you guys really consistently…
Dick: Thank you very much.
Robin: It’s like a nice, rotating pool. Of very attractive women.
Dick: Oh, please.
Maddox: Just a train through my bedroom.
Robin: It just is. (they laugh) No, seriously. You must know the secrets, you’ve somehow figured it out.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah, it’s the train that stops in Pound Town. That’s…(they laugh) I need a sign that says that.
Dick: Pound Town?
Maddox: Pound Town. Yeah.
Dick: Over your bedroom?
Maddox: Hanging over the bedroom, yeah.
Maddox: Hanging on my bed…(giggles) Make it real welcoming to all these, like…hot women.
Dick: Pretty good tip. (Robin giggles)
Maddox: Um, okay. Yeah, Robin, thank you for the suggestion.
Maddox: We will…we will consider it. Add it to the pile. (Robin laughs)
Dick: Did you have any more? For your problem of No One Teaches You How To Fuck Good?
Robin: Uhhhhh, no. That’s it. It just should be a thing. Just, like, part of sex education.
Dick: And this…this list we put together didn’t make you second-guess your idea of making it into a book?
Robin: No, that is…those were pretty good, I thought.
Dick: I feel like this is, like, the evolution debate in textbooks. You know? Like, if there was actual learning material on how to have sex.
Dick: It would be, like, a big debate if creationism should get in there. If evolution should…(Robin giggles)
Maddox: Well, Robin, you…
Sean: (interjects) There HAS to be a shitload of books on this subject!
Maddox: Yeah. Here. I got…I got…
Robin: I don’t want it to be a book, though.
Dick: Three little words.
Robin: It needs to be a boring porn.
Sean: Oh, you want a boring porn.
Robin: That tell…so you watch it, what’s happening!
Maddox: Yeah, um…Robin, I got three little words for you.
Dick: Three little words.
Maddox: Kamasutra. There is…
Maddox: (giggles) There is that book. (Robin laughs) So there’s the one.
Dick: That is boring.
Maddox: No, the Kamasu…have you seen the illustrations?!
Maddox: First of all, hilarious. And also, kinda fappable. Kinda fappable. If I was in prison and that’s all I had…(Robin laughs)
Maddox: I’d bust a nut all over those Indian texts. (giggles) (background laughter)
Dick: Well, you know else you would want in prison? Today’s show is brought to you by Harry’s. Please visit http://www.harrys.com and use the promo code BIGGESTPROBLEM to save $5 off your first purchase. Oh, my God. German engineered, three-blade cartridges. A close, comfortable shave. No cuts or burns. Quality guaranteed! It’s a full refund if you’re not happy. How about that?
Maddox: Great blades. Yeah! Thank you…thank you for sending us…Harry’s has been sending us some packages, and when we have guests on the show, we’re gonna give ‘em some packages. Uh, Robin, do you shave your legs?
Robin: I do.
Maddox: Cool. (Dick laughs)
Robin: I’m not gonna g…I was offered a package last time.
Robin: One of these days.
Dick: Get it?
Maddox: Mhmm. (giggles)
Dick: A fan sent in an email about Harry’s razors. Speaking to the quality of the blade! Chris. “I spend a fortune of my worthless Canadian dollars, which only became slightly more affordable with the discount I received from your show. When I tried a Harry’s razor for the first time today, I was blown away with how close the shave actually got, and began to resent my old razor.” Alright.
Dick: Seriously, fuck that razor. “My face is usually stubbly a few hours later and it’s over 12 hours later, and my face is still smooth.” That’s true. The Harry’s razor do do that. “Thank you guys for referring me to an actually good product instead of slinging snake oil. I’m planning on moving out…” Blablabla. More stuff. “Maddox, you should make more 3D renders for us to laugh at. Cheers, Chris.”
Maddox: Laugh at? (annoyed)
Maddox: Excuse me, laugh at?! You mean, learn from!? That was a typo! Learn from.
Dick: That’s maybe what he meant. I don’t know.
Maddox: It’s bullshit.
Robin: I went on an Internet date with someone who works at Harry’s.
Maddox: Did you really?
Robin: Mhmm. Yeah. He works in some kind of…like, part of the computer sciency part of it.
Dick: Did he give you a discount with our promo code?
Robin: No. I…
Maddox: Was he smoothly shaved?
Robin: I didn’t like him. I don’t know.
Dick: Biggest problem?
Robin: I was distracted.
Dick: That’d make a great blade (inaudible)
Maddox: Thank you for (inaudible)…
Robin: The fact that he’s not smooth with women just shows how dedicated he is to his job.
Maddox: Mhmm. You have to be smooth with your face if you’re not smooth with women. It’s one or the other. You gotta compensate. Guys, I got a…
Dick: (interjects) Every guest tries to ruin the ads.
Robin: Is that ruin…how is that ruining it?!
Maddox: Alright, guys. I got the real biggest problem in the universe this week! Q-Tips!
(Sound effect: ‘Ding!’)
(Sound effect: Clapping)
Maddox: Ahh. Who uses Q-tips in this room, huh?
Robin: I love Q-tips.
Maddox: Pretty much everyone, yeah. Well, they’re a big problem. Q-tips are an anomaly, ‘cause you constantly want to use them, but you’re not supposed to. It’s like masturbation. People always warn you about it, but it feels good, and you can’t stop doing it. Except instead of cleaning out wax from a hole, you end up having to clean up a mess you made all over your curtains, blinds, windows, and binoculars.
Maddox: Hmm? (laughs) (Sean laughs) Am I right? Huh? Guys? Sean, I know you know what I’m talking about, Sean.
Maddox: There’s an article from the Washington Post called, “The Strange Life of Q-tips, the most Bizarre Thing People Buy”. And it really is a bizarre thing you buy, because according to this article, it says, “Q-tips are one of the only major consumer products, if not the only one whose main purpose is precisely the one the manufacturer explicitly warns against. The little padded sticks have long been marketed as a household staple, pitched for various kinds of beauty upkeep, arts, crafts, home cleaning, and baby care. And for years, they have carried an explicit caution on every box of Q-tips, which comes with this caveat. It says, ‘do not insert inside the ear canal.’ (Robin laughs) But everyone, especially those who look into people’s ears for a living, know that many, if not most, flat-out ignore the warning.” Guys, this is a big problem. The boxes, first of all, didn’t start warning you about not putting them into your ear until around 1970. Uh…Q-tips.
Robin: What were they originally for?
Maddox: Well, originally they were for…I think they were for baby care. That’s…
Dick: For what on the baby? (Robin laughs) The ears?
Maddox: Mmmm. (they all laugh) The baby’s ears.
Dick: Well, like, what else is there?
Maddox: I don’t know. I think they were for…the article mentioned it. But do you guys know what the “Q” in Q-tip stands for?
Maddox: Quality. It is quality, yeah.
Robin: Ohh. (laughs)
Maddox: They stand for quality tips. That’s what my penis is called, too. It’s a quality tip. (Robin giggles)
Sean: Yeaaaaah. (skeptical)
Maddox: Yeah. (they laugh)
Dick: Are these the bits that you’re talking about not to do during lovemaking? (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Hey baby, you want some quality tip?
Robin: Yeah, I would not like that.
Dick: You wouldn’t like that? (grins)
Dick: What if there’s a woman who does? She likes a real…she’s a real chuckle fucker.
Robin: Ugh. She doesn’t know.
Dick: She doesn’t know how to…?
Robin: She doesn’t know.
Dick: Yeah. I’m with you.
Maddox: “The first commercial Q-tips were introduced in the market in 1923 and were called Baby Gays.
Dick: Sorry? (giggles)
Maddox: Yeah, that’s…gay. Baby gays. Yeah. (they laugh) Baby gays. They were made of wood and not double-sided, and yeah. They were for babies. That’s originally what Q-tips were for. Some of the old boxes…
Robin: (interjects) For what on the baby!? For what on the baby?
Dick: Yeah. For what on the baby?
Maddox: I don’t know, man. I don’t have a fucking baby!
Dick: Well, this is your problem!! (Robin giggles)
Maddox: I don’t have a baby, though! How am I supposed to know what the fuck…
Dick: (interjects) Guess! What do you think it would be for?
Maddox: Their pee hole. Cleaning out crust from there?
Dick: Uuuuuuh, I don’t know about that. That’s gross that you would say that.
Maddox: Their but…their buttholes. Maybe their buttholes get a bunch of crusty diarrhea around it. I don’t know!
Dick: They do. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Do they?! I don’t know, man! I don’t know anything about babies.
Dick: Of course! They have wipes. You need a whole towel to take care of that.
Maddox: Gross. Um…(giggles) so some of the old boxes of Q-tips used to say things, like, “For adult ear care”. So they used to market it as a product for your ears. The company knows what people use them for, but they have to be really coy in their advertising now, so they started changing their tack around the nineties. Here’s the TV spot from 1980 with Betty White, where they come as close as they can to suggesting you should use them in your ear, but they don’t actually say it. Listen to this.
(Clip starts: Betty White: “Q-tips has a nice soft cushion of cotton right here at the tip, so they feel nice, soft, and safe when you use ‘em on your eyes…or on your nose…on your ea….or even when you drop ‘em on your foot!”
Maddox: And she drops it!
(male voice) “Q-tips. The safe swab.”)
Dick: Oh, they couldn’t say “ear”?
Maddox: They didn’t say “ear”. They came as close as they could, literally. The first syllable.
Dick: But could they not say ear?
Maddox: No. ‘Cause they don’t want to…
Robin: ‘Cause they get sued if people jam ‘em in their ears.
Robin: Right? And they go deaf?
Dick: Is that true, though?
Dick: Or is that just the joke of the ad, that she’s dropping it…
Maddox: Oh, it’s absolutely true. They want to market it for your ears, but they know that people are injuring themselves.
Dick: So how come they can’t say, “Hey, you could use this to clear your ears.” But America’s Funniest Home Videos can say, “Hey, take a picture of you almost getting shot or running over your kids in a car, and then send it to us for maybe money.” Like, how can they get away with that, but they can’t say to use this cotton device to clean in your ear. (Robin giggles) What’s the sense?
Maddox: I think America’s Funniest Home Videos does say, “Don’t try this at home.”
Dick: No, they say, “Do it and we’ll give you money!!”
Maddox: They don’t say…
Robin: They say, “if it happens, it happens.”
Maddox: Yeah. “Send us your funny videos.” They don’t say “hurt yourself.” (Dick laughs)
Robin: Also, what Funniest Videos have people almost getting shot in them? (giggles)
Dick: I don’t know.
Maddox: All of them, Robin. The funniest videos.
Dick: Yeah. The ones that didn’t get on TV! (Maddox laughs)
Dick: Those are the good ones.
Maddox: There’s a funny compilation of them called, “The Faces of Death.” (cracks up) There’s, like, four volumes. Um, so the Washington Post article goes on and they talk about the addictive quality to Q-tips, and they liken it to cigarettes. “The cigarettes analogy is an apt one. We continue to twist Q-tips in our ears thanks to a simple truth: it feels great. Our ears are filled with sensitive nerve endings, which send signals to various other parts of our bodies.” Oh, Robin, is that a sex tip? (Robin giggles) “Using Q-tips leads to what dermatologists refer to as an itch-scratch cycle, a self-perpetuating addiction of sorts. The more you use them, the more your ears itch, and the more your ears itch, the more you use them. “ And this vicious cycle, I looked into it. There’s another article on this website. It’s http://www.wbur.org. So this vicious cycle, the more you use it, the more you need to use it. According to this website, “The wax in your ear waterproofs your ear canal and keeps water from going in, so when you clear out the wax, more water gets inside, and the more you feel like you need to use it.” It’s this insane addiction cycle with this.
Dick: Oh, so you shouldn’t be using them at all on your ears?
Maddox: No! Never.
Robin: So you shouldn’t clean your ears?
Maddox: You don’t need to, because the wax comes out on its own naturally.
Sean: Yeah, ‘cause of the way the skin grows.
Sean: It brings it out.
Maddox: It’s supposed to be there. It’s a natural antibiotic, too. Earwax?
Maddox: Yeah, next time you…yeah.
Dick: So we’re hurting ourselves by cleaning our ears out?
Maddox: Yes. (giggles) Yes.
Sean: You can jam it too far in, too.
Robin: But it’s so satisfying, it looks so gross when you get a lot, and you’re like, “Yeah, I really did it today.”
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles) I know!
Dick: What about blowing your nose? Is that bad for you, too?!
Maddox: No, because the mucus inside your nose collects the…it’s supposed to come out that way, or down your throat. You could swallow it too, I guess. But the mucus inside your nose collects bacteria and collects all sorts of things that we’re not supposed to have in our body, like spores and fungus and dust particles.
Dick: Paper clips.
Maddox: Paper clips, sure. Penises. Who knows. Quality tips.
Dick: Uh, that’s totally legal to have in your body, I don’t know what you’re talking about.
Maddox: Uh, people have been led to think…this is from Washington Post again. “People have been led to think that it’s normal to clean their ears. They think that earwax is dirty, that it’s gross, or unnecessary, but that’s not true at all.” There’s a Dr. Fitzgerald, they interviewed him. He said, “He likens earwax to tears, which help lubricate and protect your eyeballs.” Robin. Mhmm. Lubricate. (Robin giggles) “Wax does something similar for the ear canal, where the skin is thin and fragile and highly susceptible to infection.” So when you put the Q-tips inside your ear, you can even scratch your ear canal, and then get infected. And all these doctors they interviewed said that most of the patients who come into their office with ear problems have it because they’ve been using Q-tips!
Maddox: But, here’s the problem. They don’t even know the extent to which people are injuring themselves from Q-tips, ‘cause the Consumer Protection Safety Commission doesn’t track cotton swabs, and neither does the FDA, because they don’t classify as a medical device. They’re in this, like, weird grey area of unregulated limbo. Small government, Dick, hmm? Go ahead, Randy! I don’t give a shit!
(Piercing horn sound)
Dick: Well, I don’t…(scoffs) (they all laugh)
Maddox: Randy scrambled so hard to get that horn, he fell off his chair. (Robin laughs) I don’t blame him.
Maddox: (interjects) “More than half the patients seen in otolaryngology…” it’s ear, nose, and throat doctors. “Regardless of their primary complaint, admit to using cotton swabs to clean their ears.” So because of these…what? You were gonna say something?
Maddox: Because of these…(Dick cracks up, Maddox starts to laugh) So because Q-tips are a problem and people know that there’s this weird fixation on earwax that people have…(Dick giggles) there have been a number of different companies that have tried to produce different products to get earwax out of your ear. And here’s one called Wax Vac. And it’s exactly what it sounds like. (Robin giggles) Yeah. Listen to this. Here’s the ad. I found this ad for Wax Current with influenza and pneumonia vaccines. Listen to this.
(Clip starts: male narrator: “We all know we shouldn’t use cotton swabs to clean or dry our ears.”
(Male 2): “What?!”
(Narrator): They even warn us. But we do it anyways.
(Male 2 yells loudly)
Narrator: “Stop. There’s a…”
Maddox: That was a guy…(laughing)
Dick: What the hell?
Maddox: That was a guy who put a cotton swab in his ear and yelled OW! (Robin and Maddox crack up) Here, listen to this.
Sean: But he couldn’t hear himself doing it. (Dick cackles and Maddox and Robin giggle)
Narrator: “Introducing Wax Vac, the safe and effective way to clean and dry your ears. Wax Vac will help your whole family feel better and keep their ears healthier. Here’s how it works. Unlikely cotton swabs, which push dirt and harmful wax further into your ear and can puncture your eardrum…Ouch!...(Maddox giggles) Wax Vac gently draws dirt particles and moisture out of your ear rather than pushing it in! There’s nothing else like it. Wax Vac is…”
Dick: I believe that.
Maddox: Yeah. (Robin giggles)
“…safe. Its unique safety guards…(Maddox talks over the recording)”
Maddox: Did you hear that? They show you how quiet Wax Vac is. Listen to this.
“…quiet. Listen. (quiet buzzing sound) Safe. (Maddox laughs) Its unique safety guard prevents it from going too deep like an ear thermometer.”
Maddox: Huh? Going too deep? Robin, sex tip? (Robin giggles)
“…effective. See how gently it vacs water and dirt, leaving your ears clean and dry. You just empty it out when you’re done. Doctors…”
Maddox: Oh, and, by the way, that part of the commercial, the emptying out when it’s done, they have this weird little funnel, and they dump it out, and it’s like this waxy-colored water. This, like, liquid water they’re dumping out into the sink, and it makes me want to throw up. It’s so disgusting.
“…everywhere warn against using cotton swabs to clean your ears.”
Doctor: “Don’t use a cotton swab in your ear, because it can cause significant damage.” (they giggle)
Maddox: He’s a doctor.
Dick: Significant damage?!
“No one likes water in their ears. Don’t pound your head, use Wax Vac instead.”
Female: “I know I shouldn’t use cotton swabs to clean my ears. Wax Vac seems like the perfect solution.”
Narrator: “Stop using other ear cleaners that don’t work, and stop using cotton swabs that can damage your ears!”
Dick: What other…(Maddox giggles) what other ear cleaners are there?
Maddox: There is, um…so I went to my doctor awhile back, and I do a checkup, whatever. He says in one of my ears, there is a whole bunch of impacted wax.
Dick: I’m sure there is, if you don’t fucking clean your ears!!
Maddox: No, I do! That’s the problem. I use Q-tips, and I found…
Robin: Yeah. It jams it down.
Maddox: Yeah. I use Q-tips all the time, and it just, like, jams the wax inside your ear. And I went to a doctor a long time ago, when I was a kid, and I don’t know why doctors don’t always do this, but he looked inside my ear, and he said, “Oh, you got a huge wax buildup. Lemme get that out of there.” And he reached in with these, like, rubber-tipped tweezers. And pulled out this, like, giant ball of wax.
Dick: Ugh, I’m gonna throw up.
Maddox: I’m, like, how the hell…yeah, I know. It’s disgusting. My brother. My brother, a long time ago, when he was, I think in fourth grade. Told my mom one day that…after he got out of the shower, he used a Q-tip in his ear, and he said, “Mom, the end of it came off in my ear.” And my mom didn’t believe him. She’s, like, “Whatever. That’s not possible. That doesn’t happen.” And he goes, “It did.” And my mom didn’t believe him, for years. Fast forward to 10 years later. My brother’s, like, dicking around in his ear one day, and he pulls out this Q-tip…(Robin gasps) This end of a Q-tip. It was in his ear for, like, 10 years!
Robin: No. That’s a nightmare.
Dick: Oh, my God.
Maddox: Q-tips are a huge problem. They’re like…most ear problems that you have. Most ear infections are caused by dicking around with your ear. Putting Q-tips in there. And it feels good, so that’s why we keep doing it. And I myself…since…I was gonna bring this problem in last week and the week before, we just kept running out of time. But I…tried to…
Dick: (interjects) So many people suffered in that time. (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. (Dick cracks up) Well, I tried…I know how much of a problem this is, and I tried to wean myself off of Q-tips, and I can’t. I can’t help it. I need to either stop buying them, or I don’t know.
Dick: Wait a minute, but why does it…you keep saying that it feels so good to, like, wiggle the Q-tip around in your ear.
Dick: I don’t think I experience that.
Sean: It does.
Dick: It does?
Sean: Yeah, to me it does.
Maddox: Lot of people.
Dick: Do you guys have dicks? What, your ear feels that good? Are you, like, a Ferengi? Right? Robin? (grins) (Robin laughs)
Maddox: Mmm. Yeah. (laughs)
Sean: No, it feels good.
Dick: How do you do it that it feels so good? Like, what am I doing wrong?
Dick: I wanna get addicted to this.
Sean: You’ve gotta jam it so far in, you get around the corner.
Dick: WHAT?! (Sean laughs)
Robin: Is that what you really do?!
Sean: No. Don’t do that.
Dick: Ohhh. What do YOU do?! Why does it feel so good for you?
Maddox: ‘Cause you have a lot of nerve endings inside your ear. It’s a very sensitive…uh, some people even say it’s an erogenous zone. Have you seen the movie…
Sean: I don’t know about that.
Dick: What’s that? (they all laugh)
Maddox: (laughing) Correct. True. True. Um, there’s a movie called The Intouchables. And it’s based on a true story about this guy who got paralyzed. He became a…I think he’s a quadriplegic. And he…at some point during the movie, this guy who is kind of his caretaker asks him, “Do you have any kind of sexual pleasure?” “Do you still date?” and he goes, “Of course. Of course I still date.” And his penis still worked. But he said that what gives him a lot of pleasure on date is if girls played with his earlobes.
Maddox: Because he…the ears are very sensitive. Earlobes are very…they have a lot of nerves up there, so it feels good.
Dick: Like the Q-tip does, though.
Maddox: Yeah. Especially inside your ear. It’s very, very sensitive. And it needs to be, if you think about it.
Robin: I’m more with you.
Dick: You don’t get it, right?
Robin: Mostly what I just want is, like, how much yellow shit can I get?
Robin: And then I’m like, “oooh, that’s what I did today.”
Dick: Good one. Nice.
Dick: Nailed it.
Dick: Trash. (they giggle) I don’t get the vapors and have to lay down after I clean my ears out. (they all laugh) Oh, mercy, myself! Oooooooooooh! Twiggling my ear around!
Maddox: I clean my ears and I’m spent, man. I wake up with, just tissues everywhere. (laughs)
Dick: So do you not clean your ears anymore?
Maddox: No, I do. I try. I tried replacing Q-tips with just…I would just get a little bit of toilet paper or something and just try to, like, clean around it, but…
Dick: That sounds more dangerous. Then you got your fingernail in there…
Maddox: No, I don’t get in deep enough. So the toilet paper…it’s almost like…they say that you should never put anything sharper than your elbow inside your ear. But your finger doesn’t get in too deep, unless you have really pointy fingers.
Dick: Sharper than your elbow!?
Robin: What?! That makes no sense.
Dick: That’s nothing.
Robin: That can’t go in your ear.
Maddox: Exactly. That’s the point.
Robin: Oh, it’s just like a little joke?
Maddox: I guess. I don’t know.
Robin: Man, well…
Maddox: A little ENT humor.
Dick: ENT joke.
Maddox: Yeah. (giggles)
Robin: This is very informative.
Dick: Is it?
Robin: But mostly I’m upset that I just haven’t got into a screaming fight. It’s been, like, a nice, relaxing podcast.
Dick: What do you have a strong opinion on?
Robin: Ugh, but see, that’s gonna go from 0 to 110.
Maddox: Let’s hear it. What do you got?
Dick: That’s a screaming fight!
Robin: No, I mean, if we, like, really dissected, like, how much you seem to hate women, like, that’d probably cause a fight. (giggles)
Dick: I don’t HATE women.
Dick: I just wouldn’t hire one. (laughs)
Maddox: Yeah. There it is.
Robin: Um, but yeah, no, we’re not gonna get into that.
Robin: I dunno. Yeah. Well…goals for next time.
Maddox: Goals for next time. Didn’t happen this time, Robin.
Maddox: You know what you need to do, is bring in a really moderate problem.
Maddox: That nobody can possibly argue with.
Dick: Yeah, like apples.
Maddox: And then Dick will find a way. That’s…that’s what you gotta do.
Dick: Well, I don’t know. He’s the expert.
Maddox: Um, guys. Real quick, before we wrap up. I got a package, I forgot to mention this at the top of the show. I got a package from a fan named Cody. Cody sent this in for Valentine’s Day.
Maddox: Yeah. He says, “In the spirit of the season, I’ve included Maddox’s first love, Quartet for the Sega Master System.” He sent me a video game. It’s a game called Quartet. It’s one of my very first…it was my first favorite video game. I loved this game for years and years. It’s for the Sega Master System.
Sean: Is he gonna send you a Sega Master System next?
Maddox: No, I still have mine.
Dick: Yeah, Sean.
Maddox: Of course, Sean.
Dick: You idiot. (laughing)
Maddox: Dipshit. Of course I have a Sega Master System!! I have all the Sega systems, even the 32x. It’s awful. “Second, I’ve included the thing that Maddox loves more than anything in the world, hating rich people.” (laughs)
Dick: Yeah. It’s true.
Maddox: “Please enjoy ‘Who Wants to Beat Up a Millionaire’ on the Sega Dreamcast.” He sent…I didn’t know this was a real game.
Dick: That’s cool.
Maddox: “Keep doing what you guys do.” He sent this game called, “Who Wants to Beat up a Millionaire.” I’ve never even heard this. It’s…I guess it’s a Dreamcast game. I’m gonna have to look this up.
Maddox: You heard of this? No, I don’t think anyone’s ever heard of this.
Dick: No one’s ever heard of it.
Robin: It’s crazy.
Maddox: Who Wants to Beat Up a Millionaire. And then Quartet for the Sega Master System! One of my all-time favorite video games. Oh my gosh, it even has the booklet! Thanks, Cody. Thank you so much.
Robin: Oh, wait, I thought of just a 1-minute screaming fight.
Robin: Dick! I am a teacher. I make $30,000 a year!
Robin: I’m good person!! (laughing)
Maddox: Yeah, fuck you, Dick!
Robin: I’m a useful human! I teach chemistry to people that need to know chemistry. (laughing) The fact that I’m poor is, like, fine! You went on such…also, you need to reveal exactly how much you make a year, ‘cause you seem to be filthy rich from all your little comments!
Dick: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Robin: You’re just, like. “Oh, you only make 80 thousand! Hohohohoho! You’re a garbage human! Hohoho!!” (Maddox laughs)
Dick: I don’t think it makes you a garbage human. I mean, human. You’re starting high already.
Robin: Uuuuuummmmmmm. Yeah. How much do you make every year?
Dick: I’m not getting into that. Only two people will ever know how much money I make.
Dick: Even if I get married. Okay?
Dick: Let’s say that.
Robin: Ugh, don’t get married.
Dick: It would be…
Maddox: (interjects) So that’s never gonna happen.
Dick: Yeah. So…my…my dad and my accountant.
Robin: Uh-huh. Okay, great.
Dick: That’s it. Nobody else.
Robin: Well, anyway, I’m a good person.
Dick: That’s how it should be! That’s how it should be, by the way.
Maddox: Why? Why?!
Dick: You would…no, no, no.
Maddox: I am…I am for…
Dick: You don’t want anybody to know how much money you make.
Maddox: There’s this movement in the UK right now, with the whole gender wage gap thing, it’s starting to get momentum, and these, like, feminist groups want to push corporations to release everyone’s salary. Which I am totally in favor of.
Maddox: Because then…and a lot of people are in favor of, because then you can see if this actually exists. This gender wage…I mean, we already know. But it adds another layer of transparency. Are you in favor of that, Robin?
Robin: Uh…I could s…that’d be useful for me. I don’t know. Yeah. I mean, like, I would enjoy that.
Maddox: Yeah. So, but, back to your point. You know, teachers who earn less don’t necessarily…like, why do you teach? What is your motivation? It’s not money.
Robin: Well, I wanna be doing comedy. (giggles) I’m teaching part time…(cracks up)
Dick: Okay, so. I just learned of this term recently. Would you consider it a fall-back?
Robin: Uhhhh, I don’t know. I guess. No, but I really like it. I don’t know.
Maddox: You can like two things, yeah.
Robin: But, no. So you said many times that people that make 30 thousand dollars a year and they’re teachers are, like, bad and stuff.
Dick: I didn’t say they were bad.
Robin: Now, you yell at me!
Dick: Wait, wait, I didn’t say they were bad.
Robin: Uh-huh. What’d you say?
Dick: Do you think that I think they’re bad ‘cause they don’t make a lot of money?
Robin: Or, like, stupid. And shouldn’t be able to teach about finances.
Dick: I don’t think they should tell anyone about finance.
Dick: Because they have no experience with it. Unless you’re tal…
Maddox: (interjects) Hmm.
Dick: Unless it’s someone who’s specifically trained…
Robin: No, you said you couldn’t hire good people, like, if anyone works for that, they’re not good at their job.
Dick: I didn’t say that either. I said it’s lucky that so many teachers do SO much work for such a very small amount of money.
Robin: No. No.
Maddox: I don’t think you said that, Dick.
Robin: That’s not what you said. That’s not what you said.
Maddox: You’re such a bullshitter!
Dick: That’s what I said! That’s what I said!
Maddox: No, you didn’t say that.
Dick: What’d I say? Play it back?
Sean: That is exactly what he said.
Dick: That’s exactly what I said.
Sean: And then I laughed like a jackal.
Dick: Yeah, because…
Robin: (interjects) And you said it SO sarcastically.
Dick: Well, yeah. I say it so sarcastically, because they get…
Robin: (interjects) You’re like, “Oh, you must get really GOOD people if you can get em for 30 thousand dollars a year!!!!!”
Maddox: Yeah, you said it like that.
Dick: Oh, oh, oh, oh, yeah! I absolutely think that there are a ton of shitty teachers! And a ton of them should be fucking fired immediately, but the teacher union is so powerful and it’s so difficult to fire them, because the ENTIRE profession is run by people who get off with just helping kids! And money NEVER enters their mind! So the whole profession is rolled…is full and poisoned by the useless!! So many teachers are worthless and should be fired fucking immediately, but they never will be, because the union is SO powerful! And it will never be toppled, because its enemy is teachers who don’t know how to fight an enemy like that! It’s a huge problem! (screaming) But! But, you just shovel praise on ‘em. You know, what, teachers? You’re all great! You’re all great! We’re gonna shovel this praise on you! You never give ‘em any fucking money, and they will never GET any money, because it’s worth it to hear that they’re good people. That’s all they want. That’s why the system sucks, to me. That’s why. That’s why I say it’s great that we can get such an important job done for so…
(Randy’s piercing horn sounds)
(Sound effect: Electricity)
Maddox: Yep. (laughing)
Dick: She asked. The guest asked!
Maddox: No, no.
Dick: What do you want me to say?!
Maddox: It is a big problem, Dick. We should fire these unqualified teachers, but you can’t fire parents.
Dick: You can’t!
Maddox: You can’t fire parents.
Robin: I feel…
Dick: (interjects) What do you mean, you can’t fire the teachers, either.
Maddox: No, of course you can.
Dick: OHOHOHO!! (laughs) Go look up a teacher’s union.
Sean: No, in California, it’s like the first or second most powerful union in the state.
Dick: It’s so ridiculous.
Sean: It gets governors elected.
Maddox: Right. Right, of course, but…
Sean: (interjects) The Service Worker’s Union and the Nurses’ Union, believe it or not.
Maddox: Yeah. And the police union. I…I understand. But this is being conflated with…it’s starting to get political. It’s starting to become, like, the libertarian agenda!
Dick: How is this a libertarian agenda that the teachers need to be fixed? That the entire profession needs to be fixed?
Maddox: Well, because what would you do, bust up the union?
Maddox: Okay. There you go!
Dick: If your…you know what?
Maddox: There you go.
Dick: Hey! Here’s solution number one. All the teachers, you all pick 10% of your teachers that need to be fired immediately, and they will be fired.
Maddox: What do you have to say about this?
Dick: ‘Cause they’re all gonna be right.
Maddox: What do you have to say about this, Robin?
Dick: Do you have 10 teachers at your school who need to get fired?
Robin: Ummmm, well charter schools don’t have union obligations.
Robin: And there’s a lot of those. So what you want is actually already happening.
Robin: And I would argue, that…sorry. (yelling) I WOULD FUCKING SAY THAT…
Robin: Okay. So your big thing is that the teachers, “Oh, no! Oh, no! Some poor people that only make 30 grand eventually actually have one fucking thing that’s backing them up! Oh, no! Fuck that! I hate that somehow, teachers got a little bit of power, sometimes!” Also, we already have this in charter schools in America. They’re completely unregulated, and you know who fucking teaches at charter schools? The WORST fucking people who just got out of Teach For America. They’re 23 years old. They’re the WORST fucking teachers. The WORST teachers are new teachers, because you don’t know what the fuck you’re doing. You’re really just doing it for two years so you can go apply to medical school, ‘cause you got a shitty MCAT score in the first place, and so you need to have something that shows you “care about people”, so you’re doing some shitty thing. You don’t care about having benefits, because you know you’re gonna dip and go back to grad school. You don’t care about teaching people, you don’t care about teaching, especially poor people, or people who, like, have nothing. So you’re just in this charter school. You don’t care about your union. You’re letting…you are a shitty, shitty, shitty teacher, and then you quit. So we’ve already seen what happens when we get rid of the unions. That’s what happens. You let a bunch of, like, shitty teachers who have no rights, and then everyone who has rights are these people who are the administrators in these private schools…they’re public. They’re taking our tax money, but they’re basically private, and they can assign their salaries to any of their administrators. So you hire your fucking cousin, you say, “Oh, hey Jerry. You’ve never worked a day in your life, but I’m gonna hire you as this vice principal.”
Dick: (interjects) You’re talking about unions.
Robin: Charter schools.
Dick: Charter schools. I don’t know anything about charter schools.
Robin: You’re gonna sit…that’s what it is. That’s how to get rid of teacher’s unions.
Robin: Charter schools exist to get rid of teacher’s unions.
Maddox: Robin, uhh….
(Sound effect: ‘Wrong’ buzzer)
Maddox: I’m gonna have to call you on this one. ‘Cause I’m very…I was…again, I dated a teacher, and I know a lot of people who are at a charter school. And I looked into this, and there’s good charter schools and bad charter schools. The one in particular that I have experience with SPECIFICALLY targeted people who couldn’t get into any other schools. Very at-risk children, who lived in single-household families. Single-bedroom families with five or six other children. And they…some of the criticism charter schools get is that they can reject students who are not performing, or that the teachers don’t work as hard, or whatever. But the teachers at this school are…bust their asses. They work 14 hours a day.
Robin: But you just said that there are good charter schools.
Robin: And there’s a lot of really shitty ones, because it’s up to some random person who says, “I’m gonna open a school today.” And that person can be completely unqualified, and it’s up to them whether or not it’s good. Where, at least the public school system, even though it has lots of problems, at least there’s consistency in it and there are checks and balances, and there is, like, a way that things go. And you can’t just be a crazy person and just decide to start your own school.
Maddox: Well, yeah but…
Dick: (interjects) Why would that be bad?
Maddox: But the performance…matters, Robin. ‘Cause the performance…of course, Dick.
Dick: Why the fuck would that be bad?! Why not change up the entire curriculum and teach better things to kids?!
Maddox: You don’t understand…
Robin: But it’s not better, it’s just grinding for test prep. It says, “You’re gonna sit here. You’re gonna learn how to answer A, B, C, D on these English and Math questions.”
Maddox: No, no. That’s…
Robin: You’re not gonna do anything. (they all talk over each other)
Maddox: That’s not at all, Robin.
Dick: So stop doing that, too.
Robin: A lot of them are.
Maddox: No. But this charter school in specific, they have entire parts of their curriculum dedicated to critical thinking. They make the kids argue different points of view that they disagree with. This is a REALLY good charter school that I’m thinking of.
Robin: Yeah, there are REALLY good charter schools, but there’s also a shit ton of really, really bad ones.
Dick: Horrible ones. Well…
Robin: That are just not anything.
Maddox: But shouldn’t it come down to performance?
Robin: (interjects) But how do you measure performance?
Maddox: Shouldn’t it come down to whether they have results? They use…they use Common Core.
Robin: Because all it is…but that’s the thing…if all you do is grind and learn how to answer multiple choice questions, that’s not a real education.
Maddox: No, they don’t do that.
Dick: It’s got nothing to do with life, either.
Maddox: No, they don’t do that. They don’t grind just for the national test.
Robin: Your school that you’re talking about.
Robin: But a lot of them, that’s literally all you do. You don’t even have anything besides just studying for that.
Maddox: I think the problem with that, Robin…
Dick: Oh, you should have brought in Common Core. That would have got you a HUGE argument, no matter which way you took on it.
Robin: It’s too late now.
Dick: Ah, next time.
Dick: Next time, bring in Common…
Maddox: Next time.
Dick: We’ll save it for you!
Robin: I got to scream, though.
Dick: You get to bring it in.
Robin: That was fun.
Maddox: You got to scream, there you go.
Robin: I got to see you get red in the face, Dick.
Dick: How was it?
Robin: It was all great.
Dick: Stick around, I’ll get red in the face again. (lewd)
Maddox: Uuuuuuuughhhhhh. (background laughter) Alright, guys. My problem this week was Q-tips.
(closing riff starts)
Dick: My problem was Wasting Food. Food waste.
Robin: My problem was No One Teaches You How to Fuck Good.
Maddox: Thanks for listening.
Dick: Thanks, Robin. What do you want to promote?
Robin: Oh, my…YouTube page with my Wheel of Fortune video.
Dick: What’s your YouTube page?
Robin: It’s just RobinHiggins. But yeah.
Dick: How do you spell Higgins?
Dick: I was way off.
Maddox: We’ll link to it on the website.
Robin: Yeah, yeah.
Maddox: Yeah. We’re gonna link to it on the website.
Robin: What was your possible other guess?
Dick: I got it wrong at H. (background scoff) Oh, here. Weird Matthew McConaughey called in with something that’s relevant to your problem, Robin.
(Voice mail: Weird MM: “Hey, Maddox. Saw your Periscope. Quite a nice assistant you got there.”
“What does she assist you with? (Maddox giggles) Putting your dick back in after it slips out? (they all giggle) You know what I’m talkin’ about. When you’re plowing her, like Unnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnh. Then your dick slips out, ‘cause you’re going so crazy at her, you just fucking lose…your motor skills and dick skills and it slips out, you know what I’m sayin’?”
“And then…you’re gonna put it back in, but then the girl, like, reaches underneath her leg, and like, grabs your dick and puts it back in for ya, and you’re like ‘Goddamn. MVP.’ (Robin giggles) MVP. (Maddox laughs)”
Maddox: Most Valuable Penis.
“And then she gets tired of fucking you. And then you’re shot.”)
Dick: Oh, well. Is that a move that you think should be taught? In the guide?
Robin: Yeah. Oh, I don’t allow them to put it back in.
Maddox: Whoa, Robin.
Robin: Yeah. I strongl…’cause, like, they’re gonna jab it in the wrong way. There’s, like, a 50% chance you’re gonna have something jab on the side of me.
Maddox: Oh, you like to guide it.
Maddox: You are kind of like…you’re a tractor beam for peen.
Dick: Oh, you thought she meant not back in at all?
Maddox: Yeah, not back in at all.
Robin: Oh!! Like, that’s it! You fall out!! (they all laugh)
Maddox: Come back in here, stud, you’re not going anywhere.
Robin: Get out! (laughing)
Dick: Talk about getting in your head! (laughing) Oh, my God!!! You better fuck me right, or I’m gonna kill your family! (Robin laughs)
Dick: Uh, okay. Uhhhhhhh….(they all laugh) Better get in here.
Maddox: Mhmm. It happens.
Dick: Oh, man. You gotta get some more messages out of this show. Out of these appearances.
Maddox: Oh, you get them. Just check them.
Robin: Now I feel like I don’t wanna check them.
Dick: You know what? I bet guys are intimidated to message you, ‘cause you’re so smart and well-spoken.
Robin: I also wanted to mention, ‘cause earlier, I had said “If they’re only 6 feet tall or taller.” That that’s how tall I am. I…I get really upset at girls that are, like, 5’2” and they’re like, “I only date 6-feet-tall guys.” Like that.
Dick: Oh, yeah.
Robin: Like, no. Fuck that.
Maddox: Robin, would you date a guy shorter than you?
Robin: I’ve only dated one person taller than me, ever. (giggles)
Maddox: Oh, okay. So…so no.
Dick: So you learned your lesson? (they laugh)
Robin: Oh, it’s just like a goal I have, to date tall guys, but I can never make it happen.
Maddox: Yeah. Yeah.
Dick: I’m gonna put together a list of guys who wanna date you based on this show. Would you be open to that?
Dick: Would you be open to a nice Biggest Problem Valentine’s Day…
Maddox: Oh boy.
Dick: Treat…from some of these gentlemen? (Robin giggles) There’s a lot of good people listening to this show.
Dick: Artists…uh, video game buying guys.
Robin: Yeah. Go for it. Mhmm. You be…you wanna be my Cupid?
Dick: They give good presents!
Robin: That’s fine.
Dick: Yeah, I do.
Maddox: How about that dude in Germany? He sent me a box of chocolate!